Archive of Our Own ^beta

"Meredith?" Alex Karev very nearly walked out of the locker room when he noticed that Meredith Grey was early too, sitting on the bench and staring in the distance.

Meredith was a weird chick - hot, but crazy. She wasn't usually ‘sit around and stare at nothing' crazy though.

"Hey, you good?" Alex asked. It wasn't like he cared, but Meredith helped him out when Izzie was being a bitch and when Alex failed his intern test, it didn't hurt him to at least check.

"What?" Meredith shook her head and focused on Alex, blinking a few times until she seemed more normal. She reeked like tequila, could have been a serious hangover. "Yeah, no, I'm fine. Thanks, Alex."

Alex nodded and offered her a wink, because she was hot even if she was crazy, before he went to try and find someone's service to stick himself on.

Anyone's service except for freaking Addison Shepherd's; if Alex had to see one more pregnant chick he was going to lose it.

The cards were finally in Alex's favor when Burke and Yang showed up and Burke seemed pissed with Yang about something. Burke asked for an intern and Alex was quick to volunteer.

"Fine. Karev," Burke said, sending Christina a shitty look. Whatever problems they had weren't Alex's problem, if Yang wanted to keep screwing an attending and missing out on cardio surgeries then that was her issue.

Burke had a pretty cool surgery planned; it was a valve replacement on a woman with congestive heart failure. Instead of it being a human valve replacement, it was a pig's valve. Which meant Alex was going to get to scrub in on what was basically a partial heart transplant.

The patient was nice, maybe a little scared about what to expect. Alex didn't have a problem with going through the steps of the surgery with her, what to expect in recovery, and all of that shit until O'Malley walked in.

George O'Malley was… there was just something about the guy that rubbed Alex wrong, all the time. It might have been the nice guy act that Alex wasn't falling for or something, but O'Malley was a freak and Alex didn't want anywhere near him.

"Doctor Burke sent me to help with prep," O'Malley said, his eyes skirting away from Alex's. It was another thing he did that Alex couldn't stand, always acting like he was scared of Alex when their only fight ended with O'Malley blacking Alex's eye.

If Meredith didn't get in the middle of the fight then Alex would have killed him, but O'Malley didn't know that so he had no reason to act like a bitch around Alex.

"Great." Alex shoved the tray of blood tubes toward him, more pissed that Burke added O'Malley to the case than anything. "You can take these to the lab while I finish prep."

O'Malley didn't argue, he had the whole kicked dog thing going on that made Alex wonder what was going on in his life. Not that he was going to ask, but if Meredith was in a mood and O'Malley was being extra weird, it might have been something that went down at their little exclusive intern house.

Alex finished with the patient and had some time to kill before labs would be back. He did a quick check on Burke's other patients, hoping that maybe if Burke and Yang fought long enough that Alex could stay on cardio.

It was while he went to find a new oxygen mask for one of Burke's post-ops that he found Meredith again. He nearly missed her, she was all curled up in a corner of the supply room and looked freaking miserable.

"Meredith?" Alex hesitated by the door. "Hey, you good?"

It was a stupid question, she obviously wasn't. Alex didn't hear anything about her mom being brought in again or any new gossip on Derek or Addison Shepherd though, which made him think again that something must have happened at Meredith's house.

"I messed up." Meredith looked at Alex and he wasn't exactly thrilled by the wet look in her eyes, Alex wasn't a big fan of chicks crying. If it was Yang or Izzie then Alex could have walked away, but it was Meredith.

Meredith wasn't a crier, not even when Alex thought she deserved to have a whole meltdown. Meredith kind of drank about her problems, she was tougher than most chicks. Even as miserable and close to tears as she looked, she wasn't crying.

"Hold up." Alex pulled the door open and stopped the first nurse he saw. "Hey, take this to 2335, thanks."

The nurse curled her nose at him, like Alex wasn't perfectly freaking polite, and he shut the door in her face. Either she'd take it or she wouldn't, whatever. It was stupid to try and kiss Burke's ass anyway, he'd take Yang back on his service the second they got over their fight.

"Alright." Alex slid down on the wall by Meredith and tried real hard to act like the tequila she was sweating out didn't smell like shit. "Spill. What's going on?"

"I did something… really bad," Meredith said slowly. "I - I can't even tell you, Alex, it's so bad."

"Something happened at your place?" Alex guessed. Meredith didn't answer so he nodded to himself. "You and O'Malley get into it?" he asked. Meredith looked at him then and Alex guessed he was getting warmer. O'Malley was being weird, Meredith was being weird. It wasn't freaking brain surgery.

O'Malley had been sniffing hard around Meredith since Shepherd got back with his wife. It had been pathetic, O'Malley thinking Meredith was ever going to see him as anything more than one of her chick-friends.

Maybe O'Malley made a move and Meredith was feeling guilty for shooting him down. O'Malley probably pouted and threw a fit and Meredith was shouldering his bull.

"So, what?" Alex grinned and shouldered Meredith some, trying to snap her out of her funk. "You sleep with him or something?"

It was a joke, a complete freaking joke. Alex figured Meredith shot him down and was feeling bad over it, he didn't expect Meredith to flinch like Alex slapped her.

"What?" Alex sat up so he could see Meredith's face while the teasing grin he had melted right off his face. "You slept with O'Malley?"

"I - it wasn't…" Meredith was stuttering and Alex could smell the booze again, he could see the obvious freaking signs of a hangover from Hell. "I was drunk," she said quietly. "I was drunk and he was there, saying all these things and doing all these things…"

Yeah, Alex could see that. Meredith had been kind of fragile, hiding all her problems under booze and random hookups. Meredith had the sick bitchy mom and the boyfriend who picked his cheating wife over him. O'Malley had some kiddie crush on her since day one, Alex could see him deciding to push the issue when Meredith was most vulnerable.

To do it when she was drunk though? Meredith didn't do ‘one drink'. Meredith did ‘an entire bottle of tequila' and blacking out.

"O'Malley screwed you while you were drunk," Alex repeated, making sure he had all the facts. "You got drunk and O'Malley screwed you."

"It was bad, Alex, real bad," Meredith said, still sounding guilty as hell about it. "I - uh… I might have cried."

Oh, Alex was going to kill O'Malley. Alex was going to turn his face into freaking ground beef.

"O'Malley screwed you while you were drunk until you cried?" Alex repeated. "Are you serious?"

"I wasn't thinking!" Meredith said. "I was - I was sad and drunk and - and now George isn't talking to me and Izzie's going to hate me!"

Alex was so not sitting there and listening to Meredith complain about all the shit that was going to hit the fan.

O'Malley screwed her when she was drunk - drunk and sad and every freaking thing that would make a normal guy's brain say ‘hey, not a good time'.

"Hey, Alex?" Meredith made big sad eyes when she watched Alex storm off. "Seriously? You're mad too?"

Yeah, yeah, Alex was pissed. Not at Meredith, but Alex was mad as hell. If he opened his mouth though, Alex was going to start screaming and Meredith didn't need to listen to Alex screaming after being freaking assaulted by O'Malley.

"I gotta go," Alex said in as few words as possible. "You stay here or something."

‘Or something' meaning staying far the hell away from O'Malley.

Alex didn't know what his face looked like, but he knew it couldn't be good with the way people jumped out of his path while he started hunting down O'Malley.

Meredith had been drunk and vulnerable, O'Malley didn't look hungover at all. She was drunk, he was sober. O'Malley wanted his shot and took it even when he shouldn't have. It was assault, it was rape, and Alex was going to freaking kill him.

"Woah, Karev!" Doctor Bailey passed Alex in a hallway on cardio and she grabbed his arm, yanking him to a stop. Alex was seeing red, it wasn't the time for a lecture. "What's going on?"

"You seen O'Malley?" Alex asked.

"Have I…? No, I have not." Bailey looked around and then pulled Alex toward an empty room. Alex didn't have time to talk, he didn't want to talk, but Bailey was stronger than she looked and she blocked the door with her five foot frame.

"What's going on?" Bailey asked. "You look ready to kill someone and I'm not telling you where O'Malley is until I know why?"

"It's private," Alex snapped. He didn't want to get in a fight with Bailey, Alex liked Bailey, but she was in the way and Alex really needed to hit someone.

"Is that right?" Bailey looked up at Alex and frowned. "Like how all of your sex lives should be private? How Izzie Stevens' job in college should have been private? Don't pull the privacy crap on me now, Karev. If you're about to get yourself tossed out of the program then I at least deserve to know why."

It wasn't Alex's story to tell, it was Meredith's. But knowing Meredith and the way she wanted to keep all of her shit to herself all the time, Meredith probably wouldn't breathe a word and nobody would know what scum O'Malley was.

"Meredith got drunk last night," Alex said, his body shaking with every word. "She was drunk and O'Malley screwed her. O'Malley waited until she was drunk and sad and whatever and then he screwed her."

Bailey's mouth opened, closed.

Opened, closed.

"Alex…" Bailey wasn't blocking the door anymore, but Alex wasn't going to run out either. Bailey was a hardass and she played favorites, she was petty as hell sometimes, but Bailey knew right from wrong.

"Alex, how sure are you about this?" Bailey asked. "This is a damned serious accusation to make, so you better be crystal clear on what happened."

"I know that Meredith is hungover, smells like tequila. She said that her and O'Malley had sex, she cried. And," Alex had to pause to breathe, to calm down or he was going to break the damn window, "I know O'Malley didn't seem hungover at all, just guilty."

"Alright… alright." Bailey breathed in slowly and Alex felt vindicated to know she was pissed too - maybe not pissed, but she wasn't acting like everything was hunky-dory. "Where is Meredith?"

"Third floor supply closet last I saw," Alex said. "I told her to stay there."

Meredith shouldn't have to see O'Malley's face in the halls, she shouldn't have to see his face again, period.

"Okay. I will go get George O'Malley and take him to the Chief's office," Bailey said firmly. "You will go get Meredith and you, Doctor Alex Karev, will not throw away your future by getting into a fight in this hospital. Am I understood?"

No, Alex didn't understand. Because if Alex saw O'Malley he was going to knock his ass out. There were a lot of rules that were real simple when it came to having a dick:

Don't hit chicks, even when they hit first. Don't touch ‘em if they say no, don't touch ‘em if they're drunk. One drink? Whatever. But if they were drunk enough that they were sweating booze from their skin the next day? That was pretty far past ‘clear consent'.

It was simple and O'Malley must have been a special kind of freaking moron to not get it.

"Alex, if you cannot go get Meredith without ruining your life over George O'Malley then you need to say so, right now," Bailey ordered. "Tell me now if you can do that or not, because I have worked too hard on your training to watch you throw it in the trash."

Alex cracked his knuckles and he tried to think - he tried to think about how good it would feel to pound O'Malley into the ground. It would feel really good, really damn good. Meredith was the only friend Alex had in the hospital, the only person he liked being around half of the time.

And Alex wouldn't spend any more time around Meredith if he beat O'Malley to death. Alex wouldn't spend any time around anyone except for Bubba in prison if he did that.

"Can you do it, Alex?" Bailey asked. "I've got no problem escorting you to the doors if not."

Bailey would do it, Alex knew she would. Bailey would probably walk him out, handle the whole thing, and let Alex back the next day without a word. Bailey wouldn't tell anyone that Alex couldn't control himself but they would both know that he could have lost everything he worked so damn hard for.

"I can do it," Alex said. "I can get Meredith."

"Alright then." Bailey stepped to the side, leaving the doorway open for Alex. "You go get Meredith and I'll come find you two in the locker room."

Get Meredith. Locker room. Do not kill O'Malley.

Alex could do that.

Meredith wasn't in the storage room anymore and Alex paged her twice, then asked one of the neuro nurses to send her a 9-1-1 page. It was starting to stress Alex out, picturing Meredith walking around the hospital in some sort of hangover stage of shock after being assaulted.

"Doctor Grey isn't answering her pager," the nurse told Alex after sending the second page.

"Page her again then," Alex said. "Page Doctor Grey until she answers."

"Karev?"

Because Alex's day wasn't bad enough, Doctor Shepherd decided to walk up and butt into business that didn't involve him.

"Is everything alright?" Shepherd asked. "With Meredith?"

Alex knew Doctor Shepherd was a great surgeon, cool, whatever. Shepherd could be the best neurosurgeon in the world and Alex still thought the guy was a dick. The way he strung Meredith along, acted like he wanted to be with her, then turned around and took the cheating ex back instead? Shepherd was trash and Alex was glad that he had no interest in neuro.

"Fine," Alex said shortly. "Have you seen her?"

"Last I saw her was on the stairwell a few minutes ago," Shepherd said. "She seemed fine."

Yeah, because Shepherd was someone whose opinion could be trusted when it came to Meredith.

Alex ignored Shepherd calling for him to wait while he took off to find Meredith, hoping she was still on the stairs. Alex didn't want to run around the hospital to find her, but he was going to anyway.

It was Meredith, of course Alex was going to find her.

There were four stairwells in the hospital and Alex would have checked each one, but he got lucky the first time. Alex opened the door and heard shouting, shouting that sounded like O'Malley.

"YOU TOLD THEM? YOU TOLD THEM WHAT WE DID?"

Oh, Alex was going to kill O'Malley and then brag about it to Bubba.

"Meredith!" Meredith was a floor below Alex, standing a little off to the side of Izzie and Yang. O'Malley was a floor below them. When O'Malley looked up at Alex's shout, he flinched like the bitch that he was. O'Malley flinched and his foot slid, knocking his whole ass in the ground.

Big man to assault a drunk woman, too scared to face someone who could fight back.

Alex took the stairs two at a time while O'Malley rolled down the stairs and he hesitated on the landing with Meredith. It didn't matter if Alex told Bailey he could do it - O'Malley was there screaming at Meredith in front of her friends and Alex really wanted to beat the shit out of him.

Alex had never wanted to beat the hell out of someone so badly since the last time his dad wailed on his mom.

It probably would have happened, Alex's semi-promise to Bailey or not, but then Meredith had to say his name and distract him.

"Alex?" Meredith looked at Alex and she needed someone, just one freaking person, to be in her corner. Alex couldn't be in her corner from jail, he couldn't be in her corner if she had to see him kill O'Malley.

"You - come on." Alex reached past Izzie to take Meredith's hand. If he was holding her hand then he wouldn't hit anyone. Alex pulled on Meredith, pulled her toward the door that wouldn't take them past O'Malley.

Meredith went willingly and Alex didn't slow down until they were halfway to the locker rooms and Meredith stopped Alex.

"Alex, what is going on?" Meredith asked. "Stop walking and talk to me!"

"I can't stop or I'm going to go back and kill that guy," Alex said. He did let Meredith stop him though because Alex wasn't going to be the guy who was going to yank a chick around when she didn't want to go.

"Who? George?" Meredith took Alex's other hand and she rubbed her thumb on the back of his fist, slowly making him relax it. "Alex, I'm fine," she said. "Really. I don't need you to protect me from my own bad choices."

"A bad choice?" Alex shook his head. Meredith wasn't stupid, she was the smartest one in their group of interns, probably smarter than half of the residents they had. There was no way that Meredith could really be walking around the hospital, beating herself up for what O'Malley did to her.

"Mer, this isn't on you," Alex said. "This is on O'Malley, you hear me? You were drunk, all sad about your crappy life. O'Malley knew it and he took advantage."

"No, it wasn't like that," Meredith said, turning her head away from Alex. "It was - I mean, it wasn't great, but it's George. It wasn't like that."

"Like hell it wasn't," Alex said. "O'Malley is scum, Meredith, okay? If I was there and you were drunk, do you know what we would have done? Nothing. I would have tucked your drunk ass in bed and maybe slept on the floor or something to make sure you didn't choke on your vomit. That's what a man does, Meredith."

"You…" Meredith finally met Alex's eyes again and hers were soft, like the chick kind of soft. "Alex, I kissed him. I did. So… I get what you're saying, and it's sweet of you to try and make me sound like some victim or something, but I kissed him. Before the sex and the horrible crying, I kissed him."

"That doesn't change the facts, Mer," Alex said. He realized then that they were standing in the middle of the hallway and people were walking around them, shooting looks in their direction. It wasn't the place to have some big talk and Alex told Bailey he'd take Meredith to the locker room anyway.

"Just, come on," Alex said. He pulled on Meredith's hand gently. "Let's talk somewhere more private."

Meredith didn't fight about it and Alex willed himself to calm down on the way to the locker room. Getting pissed wasn't going to fix anything, Alex wasn't going to scream in Meredith's face that she wasn't going to shoulder the responsibility for O'Malley's crap.

No, not crap. It wasn't ‘crap', it was assault and it was illegal and O'Malley should be the one locked in a cell with Bubba.

Alex checked that the locker room was empty when he and Meredith walked in it and he put her on the bench, sort of just wanting her to sit where he could see her. Meredith stared up at Alex in the way only she did - not like he was a fake, like he was dirt. Meredith looked at Alex like she could trust him and that trust, more than anything, wasn't something Alex wanted to lose.

"How much did you drink last night?" Alex asked her, sitting on the bench with her so he wasn't tempted to leave.

"I… I don't know," Meredith said. "A few drinks?"

There was a rule - when a patient said they had two drinks, a doctor should double it. It was a general rule of thumb and 9 times out of 10 it was right.

"So five or six," Alex said. Meredith didn't argue and Alex knew she didn't mix her drinks, Meredith drank her tequila straight. "And how much did O'Malley drink?"

"We didn't drink together," Meredith said. "I mean, he could have been drinking."

"Did he smell drunk?"

"I don't remember." Meredith started to grin, like anything was freaking funny. "I was really drunk, Alex."

Yeah, that was the point.

"Close your eyes," Alex said abruptly. Meredith lifted an eyebrow instead and Alex huffed. "Trust me for a second, alright? Just close your eyes."

Meredith's eyes closed - she did trust Alex - and Alex started spinning the story for her.

"Pretend I called you last night," Alex said quietly. "I called you and I was upset because my mom's crazy and my dad's a piece of shit and I was drunk and asked you to come over."

Meredith's eyebrows crinkled, "I don't even know where you live?"

Yeah, because Alex lived in a crappy room he rented in a house full of people he didn't know or like. It wasn't like Meredith's place, filled with interns and fun or whatever, Alex's place was trash.

"Well, pretend I gave you my address," Alex said. That wasn’t the point and he was sure that Meredith knew that. "So you came over because you're Meredith and I wanted you there. And then… pretend I kissed you."

The lines on Meredith's head smoothed some and Alex swore her lips curled up at the edges, nothing Alex could think too much about just then.

"I was drunk and having a crappy day and I kissed you," Alex went on. "And you're hot and I wanted something to take my mind off everything so I tried to take your shirt off."

"Now that I can imagine," Meredith laughed.

"Yeah, yeah, shut up," Alex said, fighting off a dumb grin. "So there you are, sober, and there I am, drunk and upset and trying to use sex to get over it. Do you screw me?"

Meredith went still in front of Alex, completely still. She tried to open her eyes and Alex told her to keep them closed, just think about it. Meredith was smart, she was, she just didn't want to admit what happened.

Alex could get that, nobody wanted to be a victim. Not Meredith anyway, Meredith was a freaking superhero.

"It's not the same," Meredith finally whispered. "It's not."

"It is," Alex insisted. "And I'm not saying you need to feel any way about it or think it's stamped on your freaking soul, I'm saying that you don't need to walk through this hospital and think that you've done a damn thing wrong here. This is on O'Malley, not you."

Meredith kept her eyes closed and Alex continued to hold her hands, fine with her just sitting there and thinking whatever she needed to. And when Meredith slowly leaned forward to rest her forehead on Alex's shoulder, he was fine with that too.

They didn't have to say anything, Alex was fine sitting together. It was peaceful, when it was just Alex and Meredith. As crazy as Meredith was, as crummy as her life was, there was something about her that made Alex feel calmer, more in control.

By the time that Bailey knocked on the locker door and let herself in, Alex's heart wasn't hammering in his chest and he wasn't picturing O'Malley dead on the ground anymore. Bailey opened the door and she met Alex's eyes and she nodded, a subtle nod, and Alex figured it was a nod that meant she took care of O'Malley.

"Doctor Karev?" Bailey stepped in the room a little bit further. "I believe that Doctor Burke is looking for you. And, Doctor Grey? The chief would like to see you in his office."

Damn. Alex completely forgot about Burke's surgery.

"You told Bailey?" Meredith muttered, holding Alex tighter for a second.

Alex rubbed her back and appreciated that Bailey looked up at the ceiling to pretend like they had privacy. "Yeah," he said, not bothering to lie. "It was tell Bailey or kill him."

"Well… I don't want you in jail."

"Yup. You're welcome." Alex pushed Meredith just a little bit so he could see her face. Meredith could lie until she was blue in the face, but Alex was getting better at picking the truth from her eyes. "You good to go with Bailey? I've got a kick ass surgery to scrub in on."

"Yeah." Meredith lied right to Alex's face with a smile that wasn't fooling anyone. "I'm a big girl, Alex. I'm fine. You go kick ass in surgery."

Burke wasn't a surgeon who gave second chances and he wasn't a surgeon who gave a crap about excuses. If Alex bailed on his surgery, Alex could kiss cardio goodbye as a place to hide from She-Shepherd.

"I'll walk you up there," Alex said. "Yang can scrub in with Burke, it's fine. Doctor Bailey?" Alex looked at Bailey and needed her to be lenient, just the one time. "Could you see if Yang can cover for me?"

"I can do that, yes," Bailey said. "Why don't you and Meredith head up to the Chief's office and I'll move Yang."

"Yeah, we can do that." Alex stood up and made Meredith stand with him. "Sound good, Mer?"

"No." Meredith sighed heavily and her hand was sweating in Alex's. She still smelled like booze and looked like Hell. She was standing though - Meredith Grey was made of tougher stuff than most chicks. "But I guess I don't have a choice here."

"You do have a choice though," Alex told her. "You say the word and I'll drive you home, buy you some tequila myself. If you don't want to talk to Webber, fine. The point is that you do get a choice here."

Meredith, Meredith who dealt with constant crap and had a crazy bitch mom and an asshole ex, Meredith who had to see the guy she'd been in love with walking around the hospital with the wife he chose instead of her, looked at Alex and needed him.

"You'll walk with me?" she asked.

"Yeah, why not?" Alex grinned, trying to lighten the mood some. "We can even hold hands and listen to the gossip later about how we're secretly in love."

It might not have been the best joke to make at the moment, Meredith laughed though. Every time Alex made a lame joke or said something to keep things from being uncomfortable, Meredith usually laughed.

So, yeah, Alex could skip a surgery, be Burke's whipping boy for a while. Alex could kiss cardio goodbye and hold Meredith's hand while he walked her up to Webber's office.

For Meredith? Alex could do that.

"No! Oh my God, you have the clumsiest fingers! How did you even pass med school?" Meredith laughed when she took the banana from Alex and pulled out the stitches he applied. "Watch, I'll show you again. So the way my mother did it…"

Alex watched Meredith do the running whipstitch again, she did it more slowly that time, but Meredith didn't exactly do slow. There was more natural talent in her pinkie finger than Alex's whole body and she didn't even realize how quickly she was moving.

"There!" Meredith held up their banana covered in sutures and grinned at Alex, smug as hell really. "Now you try again."

Alex could try until he was blue in the face, he still wasn't going to get on Meredith's level. It wasn't a bad way to waste time though while they weren't sleeping anyway.

When Alex went home, he didn't plan on spending the night stitching up bananas, then he got a page from the hospital that he needed to call them.

"It's Doctor Karev," Alex said. "I got a page, what's up?"

"Alex? It's Meredith. Are you busy?"

So Alex grabbed his clothes for work the next day and drove over to Meredith's house. Meredith didn't want to talk, she didn't want to drink, she had been sitting alone in her living room in the dark. They were going to regret staying up all night when Bailey had them working their asses off that day, but Alex didn't think he'd regret it too much.

"There you go!" Meredith was leaning on Alex's shoulder on the couch, breathing too close to his ear and watching his every move. "You've got it!"

Alex had five stitches in the time it took Meredith to do fifteen, but he could get there eventually. Alex didn't have ‘surgeon' in his blood and bone structure, Alex had smack addiction and schizophrenia.

"Thank God," Alex muttered sarcastically, tossing the banana on the coffee table with the other six they'd already covered in sutures. "As long as I saved the banana's life then all those student loans were worth it."

Meredith laughed, because she always laughed at Alex's jokes even when they were lame, and Alex relaxed back against the couch and stretched his fingers out. He glanced at the clock and wasn't sure how it was already almost six, but they were going to have to start getting ready for work soon.

"Think I could take a shower?" Alex asked. "No offense, Mer, but I think I smell like a frat boy just from sitting on the couch."

"Hey! No dissing my couch! This is a great couch!" Meredith ran her hand on the couch. "I grew up on this couch," she said.

"Yeah, well, your childhood smells like booze." Alex stood up and stretched his back out, sighing when it popped just right. Alex was giving Meredith crap, but her house was kind of great.

It was an old house, one of the big fancy rich ones with all the original hardwood. The hospital was barely two blocks away, she could walk to work if her car ever crapped out on her. Even if the furniture was old fashioned, it was still comfortable.

The house also had four bedrooms and Alex knew that one room belonged to O'Malley, one belonged to Izzie. Alex didn't know or care what Meredith did with the extra bedroom, but he was pretty sure that O'Malley wouldn't be back to use his bedroom again.

Webber told Meredith that O'Malley was suspended from the program pending board approval on termination of his intern contract. Webber wanted Meredith to press charges - Alex wanted her to do it too. O'Malley deserved a jail cell and an inability to ever live near a school, but Meredith said no.

O'Malley's crap had been packed up and gone when Alex first dropped Meredith off - good riddance to him. The Chief had a soft spot for Meredith, Alex was pretty sure he boned her mom at least a time or two when they worked together, so if O'Malley wasn't going to jail then Alex at least had to hope he wouldn't be allowed back in Seattle Grace Hospital.

"You know… if you wanted… your house could smell like booze too," Meredith said slowly, her eyes on a thread she picked at on the couch instead of Alex. Alex lifted an eyebrow and tried to decode Mer-Speak to make that make sense.

Alex's place already smelled like booze, two of the guys who lived in his place were still in college and acted like it. It wasn't like Meredith's place where everyone…

"What? Like move in?" Alex laughed and winked when Meredith glanced up at him. "You got a big enough bed for us both?"

That made Meredith smile, which had been half the point of saying it.

"I meant in your own room," she said. "It - I mean, it kind of seems like I need a new roommate."

As much as Alex didn't want to be an O'Malley replacement, Alex's place did kind of suck. And it was cool, hanging out with Meredith and having someone who got it be there when he was off work. Meredith was also a magnet for douchebags and it wasn't like Izzie was helping her any.

"What's the rent?"

"Five hundred."

Damn, two-fifty less a month than Alex paid for his place.

"I'll think about it," he said, already knowing that he was probably going to take Meredith up on it. If she didn't change her mind later, Alex would do it. Alex pulled his t-shirt off and threw it at Meredith, just screwing with her. "If the shower isn't too full of chick stuff."

Meredith tried to throw the shirt back at Alex, but it landed on the stairs just behind him. "Yeah because God forbid you smell nice!"

"I always smell nice," Alex yelled back. "You like the way I smell!"

"I can't be trusted to make good decisions!"

That wasn't a denial, not that Alex could think about that too much. Alex couldn't be in Meredith's shower thinking about how Meredith wanted him around, wanted to stay up all night together. Alex couldn't be naked and see Meredith's shelf full of soaps and scrubbies and picture her in the shower…

Alright, so maybe Alex could picture that. He was a guy, she was hot, so sue him.

As luck would have it, Alex made his way to the kitchen after his shower just in time to catch Izzie and Meredith arguing. Alex didn't know what he missed, but he could guess based on what he did hear.

"— doesn't deserve to be kicked out!" Izzie said. "He's our friend, Meredith!"

"I didn't kick him out of the program or the house." Someone slammed the fridge and Alex guessed it was Meredith. "The Chief kicked him from the program and George chose to move out."

"Where's he supposed to go? It's George, Meredith, George. You need to talk to Webber, or Bailey! Ask them to let him come back!"

Yeah, no.

Alex liked Izzie - she was hot, had a heart too big for her damn body, and she was a good time. But Izzie was being a freaking moron and Alex wasn't going to let her guilt trip Meredith into giving O'Malley a free pass on being a perv.

"Morning." Alex walked right in the kitchen and apparently had to make his decision then and there. "You mind if I have a buddy from the hospital move my mattress? I really don't want to sleep in O'Malley's bed."

"What?" Izzie couldn't have looked more shocked if Meredith had slapped her. "Meredith? Seriously? You're giving George's room to Alex?!"

"Iz, he packed his stuff and left," Meredith said, much more nicely than Alex would have said it. "What do you want me to do?"

"Get him back!" Izzie cried, freaking dramatically. "He's our friend!"

"O'Malley isn't someone I'd call a friend," Alex said, adding as much hate as he could. He opened the fridge, looked for something that looked like food. There were eggs, milk, and a bunch of half empty bottles of condiments.

It was pitiful, but there was an orange that didn't look half bad that Alex swiped.

"You don't know him," Izzie huffed at Alex. "George isn't some monster."

"Yeah?" Alex leaned against the fridge casually, staying in between Izzie and Meredith. "So Webber kicked him from the program for no reason? Damn," Alex whistled. "I guess nobody's safe, huh?"

"If Meredith would clear it up, he could come back," Izzie said. She was loyal, Alex could get that, but she was backing the wrong guy there.

"Meredith doesn't owe anyone an explanation for what O'Malley did," Alex said. "She told Webber and Webber made his decision. If O'Malley decided to move out, then good. If you want to be someone's friend, I'd think about it not being the guy who doesn't understand consent."

Izzie could think about it and either keep sticking up for O'Malley or realize that Meredith was the one who could use a friend, Alex didn't give a damn either way.

Alex had a job to get to and then a bedroom full of stuff to move.

"C'mon, Mer, walk me to work and I'll buy you a coffee," Alex said. It wasn't subtle, but Alex needed to get to the hospital and he wasn't leaving Meredith there to be guilt tripped by someone who was meant to be her friend.

"Yeah." Meredith looked at Izzie and a muscle in her jaw twitched when Izzie looked away. "Let's go."

Alex figured that Meredith would forgive Izzie eventually, but Alex wouldn't mind if she kicked her out too. Anyone who was sticking up for O'Malley had some serious judgement issues.

There weren't many surgeries on the board when Alex checked it before rounds. Burke had a new admit on his floor, Alex didn't bother checking the details because he assumed that Burke wasn't going to want him anywhere near his service.

Alex had resigned himself to joining the vagina squad while he got changed in scrubs with everyone else. He could hear Meredith and Yang whispering to each other by their lockers, he hoped that Yang had a drop more common sense than Izzie did.

"Alright, gather up!" Bailey walked in the locker room with her clipboard. "Stevens, you're with Shepherd in OB."

"Oh, joy," Izzie breathed. Better her than Alex - maybe it was her karma or whatever for being a bitch.

"Yang, you're in the pit. Grey, scut. Karev, Doctor Burke requested you."

"Me?" Alex checked. "Burke asked for me?"

"Did I stutter?" Bailey asked, daring Alex to argue. "No, I did not stutter. Now, move."

Alex figured that Burke only wanted him to bitch about Alex skipping his surgery the day before. It was better than being stuck on vagina squad, but Alex didn't exactly want to spend his day getting punished for skipping one surgery.

"Doctor Burke?" Alex found Burke on the cardio floor. "Doctor Bailey said you requested me?"

"Yes, Karev." Burke straightened up and it was unfair how freaking tall he was - Burke had his reputation, his skill, and the guy stood a little over six feet. Some guys had all the luck.

"I thought that since we weren't able to operate together yesterday that perhaps we could make up for it," Burke said. "I have a patient who may be receiving an LVAD today, I need you to talk with him about the surgery and his options."

"I… yeah, okay," Alex said, kind of shocked that Burke was giving him another chance. It didn't hurt to kiss his ass a little, make sure he didn't kick Alex off his service anytime soon. "Thank you, Doctor Burke. I appreciate the second chance."

"Extenuating circumstances." Burke waved his hand and it was suddenly Alex who couldn't believe his luck. "I spoke with Chief Webber, it was a unique situation."

Yeah, it was. Alex thanked Burke again before he gathered up the chart on the patient who needed an LVAD.

Duquette, Denny.

Oh, freaking awesome. Alex got the heart patient with the hard on for Izzie for the day.

Denny Duquette had been admitted before, the guy had a bad heart and needed a transplant. He’d been on the list for a while, slowly working his way up, and came in by ambulance on his last visit. As sick as he was, Duquette didn’t miss any chance to flirt with Izzie.

Alex didn't plan on blowing his second chance with Burke and he went to check on Duquette, taking the time to make sure all of his vitals were updated and there were fresh labs being sent for results.

"Doctor Burke wants to set you up with an LVAD while you wait for a new heart," Alex explained. "It's basically a mechanical pump being inserted in your heart to keep it pumping. It could buy you up to another two years, so hopefully you'd get a new heart before then."

"What happens if I don't get it?" Duquette asked, tossing the pamphlet Alex gave him on his bed. "What are my options then?"

"You don't have any options then."

Alex looked over his shoulder to watch Izzie walk in the room with her big brown eyes locked on Duquette. Alex thought it had been a crush before, someone to flirt with and something to do for Duquette and Izzie both while he was admitted, but Izzie didn't look like it was a stupid crush.

"Denny, you have to get this surgery." Izzie sat right on the edge of Duquette's bed and took his hand in hers. "It can get you more time and you need more time. In two years you could have your new heart but if you don't get this LVAD then you won't make it two years."

"Iz… if I do this then I'm going to be stuck to a machine for years," Duquette said. "I can't take a shower, I can't go hiking. Hell, I still can't get my heart rate over eighty. I'd just be some pathetic sick bastard strapped to a machine while I maybe wait for a heart."

"Better to be a sick bastard strapped to a machine than a dead bastard in a grave," Alex said bluntly. Izzie shot him a dirt look, Alex didn't give a damn. Burke wanted him to talk Duquette into the surgery and that was what Alex planned to do; Izzie's freaking inappropriate crush wasn't Alex's problem.

"Alex is rude," Izzie glared again, "but he's not wrong, Denny. Please, you have to get this surgery. If you don't then - then you're going to die."

"Better to die a man than let some surgeon hook me up to a machine," Duquette said. He was stubborn, stupid.

"Dude, you don't want to die just because you can't deal with a machine for a little while," Alex said. "An LVAD is temporary, being dead is forever."

"Well… nothing like easing your way to the punchline." Duquette sighed and slowly pulled his hand from Izzie. "Can I have a little bit of time to think this over?"

"Yeah, you can," Alex said, speaking over Izzie and whatever shit she was going to say. Nothing Izzie was saying was coming from a doctor's perspective, she was acting like Duquette was her husband or some shit. "Doctor Stevens and I will give you some time and I'll be back to check on you later."

Izzie huffed and puffed and promised Duquette that she'd be back soon. Alex waited until the door was shut behind them before he got in Izzie's face.

"Look, you wanna be stupid in your personal life? Fine," Alex spat. "But this? This is your job, Izzie. You can't be walking around here getting involved with patients and acting like you're his freaking wife. I'm on Burke's service today, not you. You need to stay away from Duquette."

"Or what?" Izzie didn't back down an inch. "Or you'll go tell the Chief and get me fired too?"

"You're so stupid." Alex shook his head and couldn't figure out how Izzie could be a brilliant surgeon and an absolute moron.

"Iz, if some guy waits for you to get drunk to screw you, yeah, I'll do my damndest to get him fired too. Because you know what that is? You know what it's called when you're too drunk to say ‘yes'? It's rape. And you know what this shit between you and Denny is? It's unemployment. Maybe think about that before you go feeling so bad for O'Malley."

Alex stormed off then because if he stayed there then he was going to start actually yelling at Izzie and he really didn't want to get in a fight. All Alex wanted to do was check on Meredith, maybe grab something from a vending machine, then get Duquette to agree to the LVAD so Alex could scrub in with Burke.

Meredith and Yang were in their hallway down in the basement when Alex found them. Yang had her hands flying around while she told some story that had Meredith falling over, practically screaming with the force of her laughter.

Alex paused in the doorway of the hallway, just watching for a second. Meredith was… a freaking superhero, honestly. Alex didn't know how she walked through so much crap and never let it keep her down. Meredith had more natural surgical talent in one pinky than Alex had in his entire body and she had more of a backbone than anyone he ever met.

"Alex!" Meredith saw Alex lurking in the doorway and he felt like a creep suddenly. She only waved for him to join them on the cot they had claimed for themselves on day one. "I was telling Cristina about the bananas."

"When you can do it on a grape, then I'll be impressed," Yang sniffed. "Teeny tiny little grapes covered in whip stitches. That is talent, Karev. Shit." Yang's pager started beeping and she scoffed at it. "911 in the pit, probably some brat with a nosebleed."

"Have fuuuun," Meredith sang. There was a stack of folders on the bed beside her and she moved them to Yang's empty spot so Alex could sit with her. "How's cardio?" Meredith asked.

"Fantastic." Alex reached past Meredith and stole some of her chips. "Denny Duquette's back and Izzie's acting like she's married to the guy."

"I'm glad that Izzie isn't pissed at one person," Meredith said. "She's acting like I'm the one that suspended George."

"Yeah, well, Izzie wasn't exactly top of her class," Alex said. "You and Yang are cool?"

"Yeah, yeah, we're good." Meredith leaned back against the wall and her hand landed on Alex's leg, like it was just natural. "I guess Burke was there when Webber talked to George, I don't know. I'm sort of sick of the whole hospital knowing my business, but at least Cristina doesn't think I'm some horrible person who ruined George's career."

"O'Malley ruined his own career," Alex reminded her. "It wasn't on you, Mer. Webber wouldn't have suspended O'Malley if it wasn't cut and dry."

"Yeah, well… I'm not sure Izzie sees it like that."

"Screw her," Alex scoffed. "If she can't get past her own crap and be your friend then kick her out, stop hanging around her. You don't have to put up with it. And, hey, if she doesn't leave heart guy alone then she'll be the next one out."

"Quit." Meredith laughed and smacked at Alex's chest. "You'd be sad if Izzie wasn't here. Who would you flirt with then?"

"I dunno." Alex grabbed another chip and tossed it up to catch in his mouth. "It'd probably be you," he said. "You know, I can follow you around and keep you all flustered until you admit you're incredibly attracted to me."

"Oh, incredibly attracted to you, huh?" Meredith was grinning and her face was so close to Alex's. "Don't you think I would know if that was the case?"

"Nah." Alex reached up to tuck a lock of Meredith's hair behind her ear real slowly. "Sometimes it sneaks up on you. Don't worry, you'll get there."

And if not then Alex still had Meredith as a friend, that counted for something.

Alex went to check on Duquette when Meredith had to run labs for Bailey. Duquette was laying in bed and he did look like a sorry bastard, a man dropped down to being stuck in a hospital bed with a crappy heart.

"Look, man…" Alex closed the door behind him and stood by Duquette, trying not to hover over him too much. "I get that you don't want to be the guy stuck in a hospital bed, I do. But if you leave here without that LVAD, you're still not going to be able to get out and do much of anything. You'll be weak, out of breath. Walking down stairs is going to make you wish you were dead, alright? This LVAD isn't permanent, Denny, it's just a way to buy you some time."

"Yeah." Duquette sighed and Alex knew he'd worn him down, talked him into the surgery that Burke wanted him to have. "You're right… I know you're right."

"I am," Alex said. "Can I tell Burke to get you on the board?"

"Are you assisting him?" Duquette looked at Alex and there was a lot of dislike there, a lot of bullshit because Alex had been sleeping with Iz the last time Duquette had been admitted.

"Don't worry, Denny, I'm not interested in killing you," Alex told him. "This surgery is cake anyway, you'll be back in post-op hitting on Izzie before you know it."

Duquette grinned and if Alex were a chick then he could see why Izzie would be tripping over herself and risking her internship to flirt with him. Duquette wasn't a bad looking guy, he had the whole ‘sick' pity thing going on, and Alex knew the guy had to be loaded because he had private insurance that didn't deny every claim they submitted.

If Izzie wanted to throw her career down the drain, there were a hell of a lot worse ways to do it.

Burke got Duquette on the board and in the OR within a couple of hours. Alex had looked up the procedure beforehand so he didn't make an idiot of himself when they got in there.

"I was disappointed to hear about O'Malley," Burke said while they scrubbed in together. "It's going to be difficult for him to find another internship after this."

"I hope so," Alex said. "He'll probably go to Seattle Pres and apply there, they'll take anyone."

"I think that Chief Webber is going to make it exceedingly difficult for him to find a position elsewhere." Burke finished with his hands and held them up, keeping them from getting contaminated. "Rightfully so."

Damn right.

Alex had been almost feeling good about the surgery until he got in the OR. It only took one glance up in the gallery to see that Izzie was sitting in the front row, her body stressed and a knitted scarf clenched tightly in her hands.

Meredith sat up there too, Alex could feel her eyes following him. Meredith, who never made a fool out of herself in surgeries, was going to watch Alex in a surgery for a specialty that he wasn't very good at.

"No pressure here, Karev." Burke looked up at the gallery and Alex knew he was looking at Izzie, but Alex couldn't look away from Meredith.

Meredith was there, watching Alex, and there was all the pressure in the world on him to not let Denny Duquette die. Meredith was a superhero, a badass, Alex couldn't be a screwup with her watching.

Burke took his place as head surgeon and let Alex stand across from him as an assist. "Alright, Karev, let's begin."

Alex did his best to memorize the surgery, to learn every step and possible complication that could crop up. He wasn't Yang though, Alex didn't have the brain Yang had or the die-hard dedication to cardio. Alex hit the middle ground all through med school, he wasn't anyone's top pick for anything.

Meredith was watching though so Alex couldn't screw up.

The surgery took almost six hours, it had been detailed and grueling. Duquette coded once when they added the LVAD and his blood pressure was high when they stitched him up.

He lived though, he lived.

Alex was flying high on the successful surgery when he parked Duquette's bed in the post-op ICU for recovery and handed his chart off to the intern on Burke's service for the night.

"You did it!" Izzie ran to Alex and threw herself at him, snatching Alex up in a hug and knocking the air from his lungs. "Alex, you did it! You saved him!"

Alex didn't save him, the dude could still die if he didn't get a new heart soon. Alex didn't even perform the surgery, it had been Burke. But Burke was writing his post-op notes and Alex was there to take some credit.

"Yeah, well, I didn't do it for you," Alex said. "It's my job, Izzie. And visiting hours are up, you can't be here if you're not working."

"I'm just going to check on him before I go," Izzie said. She let Alex go and smiled a thousand watt smile right in his face. "Thank you, Alex. Thank you."

Izzie didn't care about the visiting hours or Alex telling her to get lost, Izzie looked at Duquette sleeping in his room behind the glass wall like he was the only thing that mattered. Maybe it was true for her, Alex wouldn't know. Alex only knew that he'd never been looked at by Izzie the way that Duquette was.

"Hey, Iz?" Alex waited for Izzie to give him one more second of her attention. "The shit O'Malley did? I'd kill someone if they did it to you. So I need you to get over your crap and try to remember that Meredith is your friend."

Izzie hesitated, but Alex could see that she wanted to get to Duquette. "Okay, I will," she said. "I - I guess I'll see you at home."

Yeah, she would.

Alex had a buddy in pathology, a guy who owned a truck and didn't mind having a few drinks at the bar when they both happened to be there. Alex didn't have a lot of stuff at his place, it only took them an hour to get the truck loaded up and half that time to unload it.

Meredith returned home while Alex carried in the last of his stuff and she didn't even hesitate before she grabbed one of the boxes for him.

"You were great today," Meredith said. "While I was busy running around the hospital, doing scut for all the attending, you got to scrub in on Denny's LVAD surgery."

"I couldn't believe Burke let me," Alex admitted. "I guess him and Yang are still fighting?"

"Cristina and Burke?" Meredith dropped the box on Alex's bed and neither of them mentioned that Alex did replace the mattress. "They're not fighting," she said, sitting down by the box and watching Alex unpack just the basics for the night. "Why would you think they are?"

"Because Burke asked for me," Alex said. It was common sense, Burke preferred Yang every time. They were together and they were both hooked on cardio.

"Maybe you're Burke's new guy," Meredith said. "Or maybe he knows that you're a good doctor. It's a good thing, Alex, you deserved it."

Alex? No. Alex wasn't naturally gifted like Meredith or a freaking super genius like Yang. Alex didn't have Izzie's compassion or some sort of belief that everything was going to work out for the best. Alex didn't deserve it, but he was glad Burke gave him a chance.

"Maybe I'll be the next cardio god," Alex said. He wouldn't be, Alex didn't know where he wanted to go. Plastics sounded good, it was high-profits and those patients were usually asking to be operated on. General wasn't bad either, but Alex thought he might blow his brains out if all he ever operated on were diseased appendixes and colons.

Cardio wasn't Alex's speed and neuro would have been more enticing if Shepherd wasn't the head of their department.

"Really?" Meredith made herself comfortable on Alex's bed, stretching out on one side so she could prop her head up and watch Alex look for his deodorant and clean socks. "I thought you really seemed to like peds."

"Peds?" Alex scoffed. "Dude, if I wanted to hang out with kids all day I could have saved myself a lot of money and went to work in the daycare."

"I can totally see that!" Meredith laughed loudly, filling the room and all the spaces in Alex's head with her laughter. "Oh yeah, the kids would love you and the moms would hate you."

"Nah." Alex found his socks and tossed a pair in a pile with his clothes for the next day. He jumped on his bed and landed on the side closer to the door, right across from Meredith. "Moms love me," he bragged. "Kids love me too. In fact, most people love me."

"Yeah?" Meredith's smile softened and her voice went quiet, intimate. "I think Izzie fell a little bit in love with you today."

Not too long ago, that would have made Alex's day to hear. Izzie was hot, fun, she cared about everyone and everything around her. Izzie was great, she was, but… Alex wasn't trying to impress her anymore.

"That ship has sailed," Alex said flippantly. "I'm moving on, so is she."

"Are you?" Meredith asked. "Moving on?"

It was hard to think straight, to breathe, with Meredith's face so close to Alex's and their feet bumping into each other. Meredith was Alex's friend, probably his best friend. She'd been through a lot of crap lately, Alex didn't want to add on to it or make any of it worse.

"Yeah," Alex said truthfully. "I am."

"Good." Meredith's foot bumped into Alex's again and she slid it between his feet, tangling their feet together in a move that shouldn't have felt so intimate. "I think I am too," she said.

"You deserve better than Shepherd," Alex said, meaning that with his whole freaking chest. "Shepherd's an idiot, Mer. He's an idiot who wants two women and doesn't deserve either of them. I don't care how smart the guy is or how pretty you think his stupid hair is, you deserve better."

If anyone deserved everything, it was Meredith.

"I thought he was going to be it, Alex. Like I was ready to give up the bars and the boys and the drinking myself to sleep… I was going to be done."

"You can be done again with someone better," Alex said, sure of what he was saying for once. "Maybe someone who isn't married, or an enormous douche. I mean, come on, that guy is half hair, Mer. You don't want kids with a guy like that, you'd have months of heartburn."

Meredith laughed again and it made Alex grin. Their feet entwined more until their legs were tangled up and Meredith reached down for the comforter Alex tossed on the foot of the bed and she pulled it up over both of them.

"Can I stay here tonight?" Meredith asked, already cozying down in Alex's bed. "I don't think I can do another night of whip stitches and insomnia."

"Yeah, sure." Alex rolled over so he could swat at the light switch and turn it off. It wasn't the way that Alex had fantasized once about having Meredith Grey in his bed, but it was comfortable.

Things with Meredith were just comfortable, easy. Call Alex a sap or an idiot or whatever, but he didn't mind that Meredith was fully dressed in his bed.

Their legs were still tangled up and Alex could smell her shampoo while he slept. When his alarm went off, Meredith was there just as bitchy about waking up as Alex was.

Alex wasn't too tired or too worried about the day he had ahead of him, it had just been the best sleep he'd gotten in some time and he wasn't ready to give it up.

When Meredith did move on from Shepherd breaking her heart and O'Malley breaking her trust - Alex wasn't going to be ready to give her up either.

Which meant that Alex might have majorly fucked up by moving into her house and taking the room across the hallway from her.

Meredith decided, as soon as she woke up, that it was going to be a bad day.

It wasn't going to be ‘bomb in a body cavity' levels of a bad day, but it was going to be a Bad Day. A Bad Day would be enough for other people, normal people, to stay home in their bed and eat ice cream and sleep, but Meredith was a surgical intern. That meant that regardless of the Bad Day, she still had to go to work.

"You look like crap." Alex and Izzie were waiting for Meredith in the foyer and Alex handed Meredith a cup of coffee made to go.

"Thank you, Alex, that is exactly what I wanted to hear this morning," Meredith said, as sarcastically as possible. It only made Alex grin though, his little crooked grin that was nearly a smirk.

Izzie looked between Meredith and Alex for a second, making Meredith feel guilty, needless or not. Izzie had been crazy for Alex, completely crazy about him. When they broke up, when Alex cheated on her after he found out he failed his intern test the first time, Izzie had been crushed.

Girl code said that Meredith was supposed to treat Alex like crap for it for the rest of his life, but she couldn't. As much as Meredith liked Izzie, Alex was her friend too. Meredith understood him and his bad choices even when she didn't like them.

And Izzie had been kind of crappy toward Meredith since George was suspended so if Meredith had to choose between her or Alex, it wasn't going to be the hardest decision ever made.

"We should get going," Izzie said. "We can't be late."

No, not even on a Bad Day could they be late.

Meredith didn't think that she was imaging the looks and stares from the other staff when she arrived at the hospital. It wasn't new, being stared at. Meredith's life had sadly become a train wreck of a thing - something for others to gawk about and never consider the person bleeding out from the wreck.

It started with Derek Shepherd and the drama of an intern dating an attending. Meredith wanted to keep their relationship quiet, not tell people like Cristina and Doctor Burke. It was Doctor Bailey who caught them first, then Izzie and George. When Meredith finally said ‘okay, let's be open about it since everyone knows anyway', it was just in time for Derek's secret wife to show up from New York.

Meredith heard more gossip about herself in those days that followed than she ever had before in her life.

The gossip had died down lately, most people were content to watch Meredith to see what would happen next in the soap opera that was her life. Then the George Thing happened.

Meredith very much didn't want the George Thing to be broadcast to the hospital. Chief Webber told her that anything she told him would be kept in confidence and she believed him. Doctor Burke had been in the room when Webber talked to George for some sort of administrative reason, but Burke didn't gossip. It was fine that he told Cristina, Meredith would have told Cristina, but it didn't explain why Meredith walked to the locker room to change and heard her name mixed with George's in at least half a dozen whispered conversations.

"Ignore them," Alex said after the sixth time it happened. He glared at the nurse who had been leaning on her desk to talk with the other nurses and raised his voice some. "They're a bunch of idiots who don't have anything better to talk about."

It was silly, but Meredith sort of thought that she might have quit her internship and moved to Europe if it weren't for Alex. It was silly because Meredith had her mom in a nursing home who had to depend on her and Meredith had worked really hard to get where she was, but it would have been a really tempting idea… if it weren't for Alex.

"I'm sick of my life being a public spectacle," Meredith complained. Alex held the locker door open for her and Meredith immediately started taking her shoes and coat off so she could change into scrubs. "Do they really not have lives of their own to worry about?"

"Of course they do," Cristina said, jumping right in the conversation. Cristina didn't need context, it was like she could read Meredith's mind sometimes. Cristina had already changed, she had probably been there for hours already, getting as much OR time in as she could.

"They're using your horrible life to feel better about their own insignificant lives," she said. "Their little tiny boring lives where they have nothing interesting going on."

"You don't see me sitting around waiting for something horrible to happen to them," Meredith said. She slammed her locker shut hard and assumed that the gossip and the staring were just the start of the Bad Day.

The next part of the Bad Day came when Bailey showed up with their assignments for the day.

"Yang, Burke. Stevens, pit. Grey, Karev, you're on neuro."

"Both of us?" Meredith asked. "We're both with Doctor Shepherd?"

"Big case, he needed two interns," Bailey said. "Get to it."

At first, Meredith thought she'd been wrong. It couldn't be a Bad Day if she got to work with Alex all day. Meredith liked neuro, she liked working with Alex. If it weren't for Derek being the Head of Neuro, Meredith would have said it was a great assignment.

The case was interesting, Meredith and Alex read the report on their way to the neuro wing. It was a woman who had been involved in a motorcycle accident five years ago and had a brain bleed. The bleed had become infected and the patient became comatose for years. She woke up two years ago and has had recurrent brain bleeds ever since.

"So what? Shepherd's going to go in and cauterize the bleeds?" Alex asked, flipping to the treatment plan.

"Well he can't," Meredith said. "Look where one of the bleeds sit, if he cauterized then the patient will be a vegetable for the rest of her life."

"Oh shit." Alex pulled the treatment plan out and Meredith leaned on him, reading over his shoulder. "Shepherd's doing a complete craniotomy."

It should have been a great surgery, one that Meredith was excited to scrub in on. Then they found Derek and Meredith realized that he had no plans on letting it be a big day with a great learning opportunity.

"You're who Bailey sent?" Derek sighed at them and wouldn't even look at Meredith. "Great. I assume you're both caught up on the case?"

"We are," Alex said shortly.

"Good, I don't have time to get you up to speed." Derek turned away and started toward the patient's room, leaving Meredith and Alex to follow behind him. Meredith didn't notice immediately on the patient report, but of course the patient would be a pregnant woman.

Because what could be more fun than working with Derek while he was in a crappy mood and working with his wife?

"Doctor Grey, great." Addison Shepherd smiled right at Meredith, which… freaky. It wasn't the forced kind of smile that Addison gave her when they were around others or the smug ‘my husband chose me even though I cheated on him' smile that Meredith honestly probably imagined either.

It was… nice. It was just a perfectly nice smile.

Which was weird on its own. Meredith was not a person who Addison smiled at nicely.

"I told Bailey that I wanted you on this case," Addison said.

"You asked for Mer - for Doctor Grey?" Derek asked.

Alex looked at Meredith and she shrugged her shoulder lightly, just as confused as he was.

"I did," Addison said. "Come meet our patient. Doctor Grey, this is Belinda Croons. Belinda, this is Doctor Grey and Doctor Karev, they'll be the interns on your surgery today."

Belinda seemed nice, a little young though. She waved and Meredith joined Addison on the final sonogram before the surgery when Addison asked her to.

"Do you see what possible complications we may have?" Addison asked, pointing at the screen.

Meredith didn't spend a lot of time on OB, she had no interest in fetuses or diseased vaginas, but even she could see the issue.

"Is that the cord? Around the baby's torso?" Meredith asked. Alex looked at the screen and Meredith saw him nod, Alex was much better on OB than Meredith was.

"It is," Addison said. "So we'll need to be monitoring the baby very closely during the surgery. If the baby is distressed and moves too much, he could wrap the cord around his neck."

"And he'll be fine, right?" Belinda asked. "I can't lose him, I can't."

"Even if we have to deliver today, he's perfectly viable and all of his checks show a healthy baby," Addison assured her. "Will the father be here in case we deliver?"

"There's no father." Belinda blushed and Meredith felt bad for her being put on the spot. "I - uh… I woke up and I kind of… you know, tried to catch up on lost time."

Alex snorted and Meredith had to look down quickly to keep from laughing. It wasn't funny, it just sounded like something Meredith would say. Derek shot Meredith a look, one that she was definitely ignoring.

"Nothing wrong with that," Addison told Belinda. "Who will be helping you after the surgery?"

"My mom," Belinda said. "She's at work, but she'll be here as soon as her shift ends."

"Okay then." Addison passed the clipboard with Belinda's information to Meredith. "Belinda, I'm going to let these doctors get you prepped and Doctor Shepherd and I will see you in the OR, okay?"

"Thank you," Belinda said. She waited until the Shepherds were gone to huff out a deep breath. "That was embarrassing," she said.

"No need to be embarrassed," Meredith said, collecting the equipment to get a final blood draw for labs. "Nobody thinks badly of you at all."

"I mean… it's just - they're married, you know? They're like this awesome power couple and they do life saving surgeries together. And then I'm just sitting here with a broken brain and a fatherless baby."

"Don't worry, Belinda, they're not such a prize," Alex said. "And you know what you're going to have soon? A super cool new skull and a baby boy. You thought of any names?"

Meredith was able to get Belinda's blood drawn and her vitals all updated while Alex kept her calm and talked about baby names with her. A couple of times Alex gave such a wild suggestion for a name that it made Belinda laugh

"Wild Willy?" Meredith asked Alex when they finished Belinda's prep. "Is that what your future kids are going to be named?"

"I never said ‘Wild Willy'," Alex said. "I said William Wiley, it's completely different, Mer."

"Oh you're right." Meredith laughed at how serious Alex was. "William Wiley is totally different—"

"She's an intern, you're an attending! Do you think we can just avoid her for the rest of our careers?!"

Meredith's smile slipped slowly when she heard Addison Shepherd's very annoyed voice. She looked over in the physician's office off the hall and saw that Derek and Addison were inside the office, apparently having a very loud fight.

About her.

Which was awesome.

"You were the one who said you didn't want to work with her," Derek yelled. "You said you didn't want her around!"

"Yeah, because you said you were in love with her!" Addison yelled right back. "So sorry if I didn't want to deal with that!"

"So what changed?"

"She was assaulted, for God's sake! Jesus, Derek! The whole hospital was treating her like a freak show, forgive me for wanting to give the girl a break today!"

Sinkholes.

Why were there never any sinkholes around to spontaneously open beneath Meredith's feet when she wanted them?

"I'm gonna…" Meredith tried to think of an excuse or a reason to walk away from the fight that was being broadcast to the entire floor. When she couldn't think of one, and did she really even need one? Meredith just walked away.

Meredith started to walk away and people were staring at her with pity and disgust and Meredith ran. Meredith ran to the stairs, ran down them, ran until she reached the hallway in the basement.

Nobody ever hung out in the basement except for Meredith and her friends - it was the perfect place to hide from the God awful utter humiliation and drama that came along with Bad Days.

Meredith hid in the hallway, licking her wounds and wishing that a sinkhole would swallow the entire hospital - and, sure, a lot of people might die and that was awful, but if they were all dead then nobody would know anything about Meredith's private life. Which, okay, was still an awful thing to think, but Meredith couldn't control her subconscious wishes.

"Meredith?" Izzie showed up in the hallway after a while with a tray in her hands. "Um… I brought you a pudding cup?"

Because all Bad Days came with pity pudding.

"Thanks, Iz," Meredith sighed. Izzie wasn't being cruel with her pity tainted pudding, it would have been nice of her any other time. Meredith accepted the pudding and spoon Izzie gave her and then they lapsed in an uncomfortable silence while they both ate.

"I'm sorry," Izzie blurted suddenly. "I'm so sorry, Meredith. I was - I was awful to you and you didn't deserve that at all. It's just… George was a good friend to me and I - I was the one who told him he should tell you how he felt that night. He was moping and pining and I told him he should tell you how he felt."

Izzie had been kind of awful to Meredith since George was suspended from the program, even though it wasn't Meredith who made the decision to suspend him. All Meredith wanted to do was forget the whole thing ever happened, never look at George again and move on.

None of it was Izzie's fault though, it was just a bad night. If Meredith hadn't been drunk, it would have gone differently. If Meredith hadn't been depressed about Derek and her mom and the job thag made her as happy as it made her insane, it would have gone differently.

"It's fine, Iz," Meredith said. "None of this was on you."

"I could have been less of a jerk about it," Izzie said.

Yeah, she could have. It would have been great if Izzie understood that Webber made the decision to suspend George and George made the decision to move out and Meredith hadn't made a lot of decisions at all lately.

"You did bring me pity pudding," Meredith said, lifting the empty pudding cup. "I accept all apologies with a side of chocolate."

"Oh it wasn't pity," Izzie laughed. "It was ‘you have a super cool surgery to scrub in on and that kind of makes me want to bash your face in so instead I'm going to buy you pudding so you get fat with bad skin then I won't be so jealous'."

Meredith laughed and wondered when the last time it was that anyone was jealous of her. It was before her boyfriend's wife showed up, before everyone realized that Addison was beautiful and brilliant.

"The super cool surgery isn't all that cool when apparently Addison requested me because she felt bad for me and Derek told her that he was in love with me," Meredith said. "And they yelled all of this in front of Alex and all of the nurses."

"In front of Alex, huh?" Izzie hummed while she picked at her fruit cup. "So what's going on with you two?"

"With me and Alex? Nothing," Meredith said honestly. There were a few wildly inappropriate dreams Meredith had about him and a couple of comments that went from friends to flirty, but it was Alex. Alex dated actual models like Izzie and Alex was Meredith's friend.

Cristina might have been Meredith's person, but Alex was her best friend. It wasn't meant to happen, it was just one of those things. It was an addition that Meredith never expected and couldn't live without.

"If you say so," Izzie said, sounding really skeptical. "If, you know, you and Alex were a thing though, you could tell me. I'm completely over him so if he makes you happy, you could tell me."

"We aren't a thing," Meredith said. "We're just friends. Like… you know, like how we're friends."

"Okaaaaay."

Meredith had been hiding to escape from the judgement and the eyes and the comments. But it wasn't a good place to hide anymore if Izzie was going to sit there and not believe Meredith when she said that she and Alex weren't together.

Alex wasn't interested in Meredith.

"I gotta go," Meredith said. She hopped off the bed and threw the pudding cup away, feeling just a little better than she had before. "Thanks, Izzie," she said, meaning it. "I'll see you later."

"Have fun with your super cool case!" Izzie yelled at Meredith's back. "I kind of hate you!"

Meredith raised her hand so Izzie could see. "I kind of hate me too," she called.

Because Meredith could blame all of her problems on everyone else, but at some point she had to admit that the common denominator was her.

Alex was waiting for Meredith outside of their patient's room, Meredith arrived just in time to wheel her up to the OR.

"You good?" Alex asked. It was a friendly thing to ask, it wasn't weird. Alex always asked her if she was good, they were friends.

"Fine," Meredith said. "I think I'm becoming immune to being the main character in a trashy soap opera," she lied. There was no immunity to be built against it, it was one of those things that she had to grin and bear.

Even if she didn't grin, as long as she bore it.

"At least the main characters are always hot," Alex said. "You've got that going for you."

So that wasn't especially friendly, but it was Alex! Alex flirted with everyone. It didn't mean anything.

"What does that make you?" Meredith asked. "Are you the secret identical twin who took his brother's identity or are you the closeted gay man who ends up dying before he lives his truth?"

"Me? I'm the love interest," Alex said, grinning so cockily as he crossed his arms over his chest. "I'm the one whose bedside you cry at and admit your deepest love for me just in time for me to croak."

"Why would you choose the worst role?" Meredith laughed. "That's worse than the dying gay man!"

"Doctor Grey?"

Alex had a knack for drawing Meredith out of her head, making her laugh with his flirty comments and his jokes. It was fine when they were at home and Meredith didn't want to think about all of the terrible things that kept happening, it wasn't fine when Alex distracted her and made it so that Addison Shepherd could sneak up on her.

Addison stood just behind Meredith with her hands in the pockets of her white coat. It was hard to read her face, Addison didn't give off any of her thoughts in her expression like Meredith did.

"If you had a moment, I was hoping we could talk," Addison said calmly. "Karev? Can you get our patient to the OR floor and we'll meet you there?"

Alex waited for Meredith to nod before agreeing and then Meredith was left in the awkward position of walking to the stairs with Addison for privacy.

"I wanted to apologize, about what happened earlier," Addison said. "It was unprofessional and it was incredibly shortsighted of me to bring up something so personal in a place where others could hear."

"Oh." It was the second time in one day that someone had apologized to Meredith, she didn't think she liked it. Was she supposed to forgive everyone? Saint Meredith, handing out forgiveness for everyone's constant opinions on her life?

"That's okay," Meredith said. It was easier to get along with Addison, and when Meredith didn't resent her a little bit, she liked Addison.

"It wasn't," Addison said. "That incident with O'Malley was incredibly private and I never should have brought it up. Karev was right for ripping into me, it was thoughtless."

"Alex yelled at you?" Meredith asked. "Seriously?"

"Seriously." Addison chuckled and shook her head. "I deserved it, I suppose. There's nothing like being humbled on respecting my fellow women by Alex Karev."

The dark cloud that had been following Meredith since the moment she woke up started to lighten. Alex couldn't go around yelling at attendings, but it was sweet. It was Alex.

"He's a good man, Karev," Addison went on. "I'm glad you have him. You deserve someone who cares about your privacy enough to get himself thrown off a once in a lifetime case for you."

"Wait!" Meredith grabbed Addison's wrist unthinkingly, only needing her to stop for a moment. "Alex is off the case?"

"I didn't remove him," Addison said - and Meredith believed her. "All I know is that Karev talked to Derek after he lectured me and then Derek told me that he kicked Karev off the case. I would fight for him to be on it, I would, but this patient is important to me and I can't have anyone distracted in that OR."

Meredith didn't know what to say. It was one thing for Alex to tell Addison that yelling about Meredith's life was unprofessional, it was another thing for Alex to get in a fight with Derek and get himself thrown off their case.

"Oh," Meredith said, so eloquently.

"Sorry." Addison opened the door to the OR floor and let Meredith go first. "If it helps anyway, I don't think Karev minded all that much."

No, Alex probably didn't mind. Alex didn't like Derek and Alex wasn't great at thinking of the consequences before he made a decision, but Alex stood to the side and accepted his consequences when they were given.

It was really unfair though - Derek got to tell his wife that he loved Meredith and they were able to yell about it for the whole hospital to hear and the second Alex said it wasn't okay, he was off the case? It was a bad thing on a Bad Day.

Alex had Belinda laughing on her hospital bed outside of the OR that they would be operating in. Meredith saw Alex, she saw him, and wondered why Alex was willing to risk so much.

Was it friendship? Did Alex see Meredith as a friend? Or was there… maybe something more there?

"Here comes the team," Alex told Belinda when he spotted them approaching. "You're in great hands, alright, Belinda? And when that baby is born, I'm telling you, Alex is a great name for a kid."

"Thank you, Doctor Karev." Belinda looked up at Alex with all sorts of stars in her eyes. Smitten, that was the word. Women were always smitten with Alex, and why wouldn't they? Alex was attractive, intelligent. Alex wasn't afraid to fight for his patients, for his friends. Alex was funny and he cared, Alex cared so much in his own way.

"Give me just one second," Meredith told Belinda. She stepped over in an empty doorway for a second to talk with Alex. "Alex, why did fight with Derek? This surgery was too important."

"The dude's a douche and someone needed to tell him," Alex said unrepentantly. "And who cares about being kicked off the case? He wasn't going to let me operate anyway, I can watch just as much from the gallery."

"What if I ask Addison to trade us?" Meredith asked. It was a huge sacrifice, complete craniotomies were rare. Meredith wouldn't give away such an educational opportunity to anyone else. But it was Alex and Alex had been there for her and he was only kicked off the case because of Meredith.

"Don't," Alex said. "Don't worry about me. I'll catch up on my charts and watch Shepherd replace her skull from the gallery. You go kick ass, don't let either Shepherd give you any shit."

"Alright, fine," Meredith agreed. "Joe's afterward? I'll buy you a drink."

"I'm giving up a complete craniotomy for you," Alex said. "You can buy me two drinks."

"Deal," Meredith said. It was impulsive, thoughtless, but Meredith was grateful for Alex and all of his… Alexness.

So she kissed him. It was on the cheek, it didn't mean anything. It was quick and then Meredith went to get Belinda in the OR and scrub in for her once in a lifetime surgery.

Derek was in the scrub room when Meredith walked in, because ex-boyfriends were always around on Bad Days. Meredith was fine ignoring him, she was fine ignoring him for the rest of their lives, but Derek suddenly had something to say to her.

"So you're with Karev now?" he asked, as if it was any of his business. "That makes sense, you're both really getting around this hospital."

"Excuse me?" Meredith asked, shocked.

"It's unforgivable," Derek said. "I can't forgive you for this."

"I don't remember asking you to forgive me for anything," Meredith said. Her voice sounded like her mom, but for the first time it didn't feel like a bad thing. Ellis Grey had been feared and respected and Meredith could use some of that backbone when the man she thought she loved was calling her a whore.

"I'm just glad to know I was a phase," Derek said. "There was me, O'Malley, now it's Karev. You two are a good pair, both of you just sleeping around with whoever will have you."

Derek tried to walk away and Meredith grabbed his wrist, causing them both to have to scrub in again. It didn't matter though because Derek Shepherd did not get to stand there and question her morals.

"You don't get to call me a whore," Meredith told him, squeezing Derek's wrist with all her strength when he tried to pull away. "When I found you, I thought that I had found the person that I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I was done, Derek. I was done with the booze and the boys and the bars. You left me, you chose Addison. I make no apologies for how I choose to move past you and I don't owe you a single explanation for who I do it with."

Derek nodded his head once, slowly. "This thing between us," he said, "it's over. It's done."

"Finally," Meredith said, as hurt by Derek's word as she was angry. "It's past time."

"It is." Derek pulled his hand away and turned the water back on the rescrub. "And you're off this case. You can watch from the gallery, I don't need an intern getting in the way."

It was petty, it was unfair. Derek was taking away an educational opportunity from Meredith because of their prior relationship. If Meredith took it to the chief quick enough, he would get her and Alex both back on the case.

If she gave it up though, if Meredith let one opportunity pass by without her, then she could go get Alex and they could spend the rest of their shift complaining about Derek and then getting a drink together. They could watch the surgery from the gallery with the other interns and residents, Alex would probably make Meredith laugh until she forgot that Derek called her a whore. It could be fine, losing just the one surgery.

So when Meredith left - walked away from Derek, walked past a confused Addison - she wasn't walking away from anything, she was walking toward someone.

It didn't have to end as a Bad Day, most days that ended with Alex didn't end badly.

Which probably meant nothing and Meredith didn't possibly have the emotional capacity to question herself too much.

Alex yawned while he walked in the kitchen and rubbed his eyes. Then he saw Meredith sitting at the counter and he rubbed his eyes again to be sure that he wasn't still asleep.

"What are you doing?" he asked. Because it looked a hell of a lot like —

"I'm knitting." Meredith held up her ball of green yarn to show Alex. "See? Knitting."

"Yeah, I see. Why are you knitting?" he asked instead. Meredith didn't knit, nobody Alex knew under the age of like fifty knitted.

"Because I am going to practice celibacy," Meredith said. "I no longer trust myself to make good decisions when it comes to sex and I need to stop getting distracted from my career with boys and booze, so… I'm knitting."

Alex liked Meredith, he did. Meredith was smart and funny, she was a good time to be around, a good friend when he needed one. But that was the stupidest freaking thing he ever heard and Alex was going to need some coffee before he tried to tackle that.

Coffee was one of the few things that Meredith kept stocked in her house, coffee and liquor. Alex seriously needed to grab some food to toss in the fridge because he was getting sick of having to buy hospital food every day for every freaking meal.

"So you're going to be celibate?" Alex asked after he got his mug of coffee. Meredith nodded and Alex leaned on the counter beside her, watching her fumble with the yarn she clearly didn't know how to really use.

"Because of O'Malley or Shepherd?" Alex checked. If it was O'Malley, then Alex could remind Meredith that it had nothing to do with her judgement and talk her out of celibacy. If it was Shepherd, well… yeah, so he'd been a bad pick, but shit happened in relationships.

Shit wasn't always ‘secretly married', ‘super douche bag', and ‘claimed to be in love with a chick just before he called her a slut', but it wasn't worth giving up sex over.

"It's not about either of them," Meredith said. "It's about me. If I don't distract myself, I'm going to make a bad decision. So… knitting. It's also good for surgical dexterity."

"Riiiight," Alex said. "Okay then. So… celibate."

"Celibate."

Alex would give it a week. Meredith was probably taking Shepherd's jab personally and letting it get in her head. There wasn't anything wrong with a chick liking sex, it was meant to be enjoyable. Shepherd was pissy that Meredith wasn't sleeping with him so he pulled some high school crap of calling her a slut.

For a guy so successful as a surgeon, Alex had no idea how he was able to hide being a total dick from the public and his patients.

Izzie worked the overnight shift in the ER so Alex and Meredith walked to the hospital together. It wasn't bad weather, for Seattle, it was the warmest it had been in a while. Alex tried to tip his head back some while they walked, get some sunshine before he'd be stuck inside for the next twelve to sixteen hours.

"Do you ever miss Iowa?" Meredith asked.

Alex shrugged, tried to consider it. Did he miss the weather? Sure. Did he miss taking care of his mom and dealing with his family? Not really.

"Sometimes," he said.

"When's the last time you went home?"

The last time Alex had been in Iowa was the week that he graduated medical school. Home though? His mom's house? It had been a while.

"Too long and not long enough," Alex said. If anyone got screwed up family dynamics, it was Meredith. Meredith had the deadbeat dad she didn't talk to, the surgeon mom with Alzheimer's. Alex didn't have to explain his answer to Meredith like he would have if Izzie asked him, Meredith got it.

Meredith asked about Alex's family on their way in the hospital and to the locker room. Alex told her a little bit about his younger sister, his younger brother. It had been a while since Alex heard from either of them, but Aaron was driving a truck for work last he heard and Amber was still in high school, living with some foster family.

"Sometimes I wish that my mom had another kid," Meredith said. "You know, someone to help with her now and who could have been around when I was younger. But then I feel awful for thinking that because really I wouldn't wish my mother on anyone."

Yeah, Alex could get that.

They had made it to the locker room and Yang heard Meredith's comment about siblings, which she apparently had plenty to say about.

"I loved being an only child." Yang was already in scrubs, stretched out on the bench with her hands behind her head. Alex was pretty sure Yang slept in an on-call room most nights, always making sure she was there for any cardio calls.

"I mean, just imagine if all of my achievements in life were compared to some sibling," Yang said. "They'd feel so inadequate. I feel bad for them right now, thinking of how they'd feel being measured against me."

"Yang's saying that because she never had to share her toys growing up." Alex rolled his eyes, even if a little bit of what Yang said rang true. The last time that Alex heard from his brother Aaron was when Aaron called him to say he wasn't going to Alex's graduation.

It didn't hurt Alex's feelings or anything stupid like that, it just pissed him off that Aaron acted like Alex making something of himself was an attack on him personally.

Izzie dashed in the locker room while everyone got changed in their scrubs and started stripping hers off, rushing to get her own clothes back on.

"Woah, Iz, where's the fire?" Meredith asked after nearly getting hit in the head by Izzie's flailing arms.

"Fire? No fire," Izzie said. "It was a long night, I'm tired."

"Izzie's lying," Yang sang brightly. "Izzie spent most of her night with the poor sick heart guy and now she wants to go spend her day with him when she could be sleeping."

"You make it sound like I wasn't working," Izzie said. "Denny was having chest pains, I am a doctor. There's nothing wrong with that."

"Except that you were supposed to be in the ER and Denny is a cardio patient," Yang said. "So there's a little bit wrong with that."

There was a lot wrong with it. Izzie was getting obsessed with the guy and it was going to end with Duquette dead and Izzie heartbroken or Izzie fired for becoming inappropriate with a patient.

Either way, Alex warned her. Alex told her to leave Duquette alone. If she didn't want to listen, it was on her.

"Shut up, Cristina," Izzie snapped. "You go around screwing Burke in on-call rooms and supply closets. You don't get to judge me."

Izzie slammed her locker and strode from the room, probably heading right up to the cardio wing to waste some of the few hours of sleep she could get on Duquette.

"I'm worried about her," Meredith said. "She could be kicked from the program if they cross a line."

"Izzie's a big girl," Alex said carelessly. "If she wants to risk her career on the guy, we're not going to be able to stop her."

"Maybe you should start sleeping with her again," Yang suggested. "You know, distract her from heart guy with really excellent sex."

"Why are we talking about Alex and Izzie having sex?" Meredith asked quickly. "Actually, why are we talking about sex at all? Cristina, talk about the surgery you must have scrubbed in on last night."

Yang had no problem launching in her story about scrubbing in on a car wreck victim with ortho and cardio. She was all braggy that the ortho doc, Torres, let her drill in part of the hardware and Burke let her repair the heart injury.

"I wouldn't mind being on ortho today," Alex said. "I haven't had much of a chance to scrub in there yet."

"I don't care where I am as long as it's not neuro," Meredith said. "I'd even take peds instead."

Peds was actually kind of hardcore, really. With peds, a surgeon had to be good at every other speciality, good enough to do cardio, neuro, ortho, trauma, and general on much tinier body parts. Sure, it meant a lot of dealing with kids and terrified parents, but they weren't all bad.

Meredith got her wish, she didn't go to neuro. Bailey came around with their assignments and Meredith was sent to ortho, Yang got cardio, and Alex…

"Doctor Shepherd in OB."

God damn, Alex was so freaking sick of Addison Shepherd requesting him. She was doing it to be a bitch, she knew Alex didn't like being on her service. Peds was one thing, OB was just pregnant chicks and diseased vaginas.

Nobody in their right mind wanted to spend their time dealing with that shit.

Alex made it up to the OB unit and collected the stack of reports on the patients, sorting them for Addison the way he knew she liked. It wasn't worth screwing up, Addison loved keeping him on her service even more when she knew he wanted gone.

It was punishment for running his mouth at her, he knew it was. Addison had yelled about Meredith and O'Malley and the other Shepherd and the second Alex said it was unprofessional and shitty of her, bam! He was right back on OB.

"Good morning, Doctor Karev." Addison breezed on the floor with two cups of coffee, handing one over to Alex. "It's going to be a long day, you'll need your energy," she said.

"Uh… thanks?" Alex carefully sniffed the coffee, wondering what made her buy him coffee. Addison grinned a little, like she must have known that the coffee was going to throw him off.

"It's only coffee," she said. "Today we have two surgeries. The first is…"

"Room 2210," Alex said, already caught up on the charts. "32 week mother with a baby diagnosed with congenital diaphragmatic hernia."

"Correct," Addison nodded. "I'd like to go in and place a balloon in her airway to keep it open, let her lungs continue to develop."

"You'd be operating directly on the baby?" Alex asked. "Before it's even born?"

"You still want to pout about being on my service?"

Hell no he didn't.

The other patient that Addison had lined up for surgery was more of an outpatient procedure. Addison was adding a few temporary stitches to keep her baby from being born prematurely, she only did the procedure herself because the mom was pushing fifty and everything about the pregnancy was high risk.

Alex got to place the stitches himself while Addison breathed over his shoulder, making sure he didn't screw it up. As soon as they were done with her, Alex rounded on the other OB patients and ended in 2210 with the other surgical case for the day.

The patient was a little young, only twenty, and she had her mom and dad in the room with her while Alex started presenting the case. The dad looked a little familiar, but Alex couldn't put his finger on it until he read the case aloud.

"Molly Thompson, twenty years old, transferred here from Mercy West Hospital for her thirty-two week old baby diagnosed with congenital diaphragmatic hernia," Alex said. "The patient is scheduled today for an in-utero surgery to repair the damage to the baby's diaphragm and insert a balloon to open the airway."

"The balloon will also force the baby's organs back in place, right?" the dad asked, looking anxiously between Alex and Addison. "I know a little about it, I know the organs can move in cases like this."

"If the surgery is successful then the organs will shift back in place," Addison said politely. "Are you a doctor?" she asked. It was always a pain in the ass to work on a patient who was related to a doctor or nurse, they usually wanted to get approval of their family member who thought with their feelings instead of their freaking brains.

"Me? No." The man laughed, a nervous laugh that bugged Alex for some reason. "My ex-wife was a surgeon, I spent a lot of time listening to her talk about cases."

"Our older daughter is finishing medical school this year too," the patient's mom said. "Lexie's going to be a surgeon as well."

Alex flipped through the report quickly, looking for the family information. The guy could have been related to anyone from the hospital, any surgeon over fifty, but Alex had a feeling he knew who his ex-wife was before he saw the patient's maiden name and her family's names on the report.

Grey.

Thatcher Grey, Meredith's dad. The patient was Meredith's half-sister and Alex was pretty sure that Meredith had no idea her dad or sister were in the hospital.

Alex had worked with Ellis Grey the last time she'd been seen in the hospital, she wasn't any prize of a parent. As lost to her disease as she'd been, she managed to yell and scream at Meredith while thinking she was a kid still. Alex also heard enough of her comments to pick up that she'd had an affair, hated her husband Thatcher, and regretted having a kid.

And there stood Meredith's dad - he didn't give a damn to be there for his kid, he went and got remarried and had two brand new kids to replace Meredith with. Judging from the way the guy held Molly's shoulder, Alex would guess he wasn't even a bad parent to her.

It was crap.

"Alright, are you good with getting our patient to the OR in an hour?" Addison asked once they were back in the hallway, leaving the little family alone together.

"Yeah," Alex agreed. "An hour? Sounds good."

"Also… does that guy kind of look like Meredith?" Addison asked quietly. "Do you think his ex-wife is Ellis Grey?"

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure it is," Alex said.

"That's messy," Addison said, shaking her head. "And now I get to operate on Meredith Grey's sister… what a joy."

"Hey, I gotta go," Alex told her. He didn't have long and didn't want to waste time listening to Addison complain about who her patient was related to. "I'll be back in an hour."

HIPAA or not, Alex wasn't going to let Meredith accidentally run into her dad if she didn’t want to.

Meredith was down in the ER with Doctor Torres, both of them were working together on a guy with some gnarly looking fingers.

"Doctor Grey?" Alex didn't think Torres liked him, better if she thought Alex needed Meredith for something official. "Can I talk to you for a minute?"

Meredith seemed relieved to be asked and she jumped right up to follow Alex, only after Torres told her to ‘hurry her ass up'.

"What's her issue?" Alex muttered. Torres didn't like him much, but she wasn't such a bitch when he'd been on her service last.

"Oh, apparently Torres liked George," Meredith said. "Like - she liked him. Guess where George is staying? In a hotel, with Doctor Torres."

"Damn." Alex had plenty to say about Torres and bad taste, but he didn't have much time to warn Meredith before he needed to get back to OB. "Hey, Mer? You know your dad, Thatcher?"

"Well, I wouldn't say I know him, but I guess I know of him," Meredith said. "Why the sudden interest?"

"He's here," Alex whispered, he didn't want to get caught and bitched out about patient privacy, as if everyone in the hospital didn't break HIPAA on a daily basis. "He's got another kid up in OB, Addison's working on her today."

"Thatcher has another kid?" Meredith asked. "I - wow. Okay. Is she okay?"

"The baby needs surgery, it'll be fine," Alex said flippantly. "Not the point. The point is, if you don't want some public reunion with the guy, stay away from OB."

"Stay away from OB, I can do that," Meredith said. "Thank you, for the warning."

"Yeah, whatever." Alex looked past Meredith to where Torres still worked on the patient. "And tell Torres to not be a bitch, what the hell is even wrong with all these doctors?"

Who heard that a guy lost his job for assault and then backed that guy? O'Malley could look like a freaking marshmallow all he wanted, it didn't mean he was incapable of hurting someone.

"Hey." Meredith caught Alex's hand before he could leave and she tilted her head when he looked at her.

"Yeah?" he said when she didn't say anything.

"Nevermind," Meredith said. She dropped Alex's hand and it felt like a loss. "Just - thanks, Alex."

Meredith was being weird, but Alex still nodded before he hurried back up to OB. There were a few charts he still needed to finish before he had to operate on Meredith's sister.

Charting was the worst damn part of the job. Every time Alex thought that he was caught up on them, the billing office would kick one back because he forgot to add something or word it just right so it could be sent to insurance.

It was a tedious pain in his ass, but Alex nearly had them all caught before he was interrupted.

"Excuse me? Doctor?"

Alex looked up from his chart directly at Meredith's dad, Thatcher. Up close, Alex could see a few similarities to Mer. The hair texture and color, maybe their lip shape. Meredith looked a hell of a lot more like her mom though, which meant that Ellis had been a babe and a freaking surgical genius in her heyday.

"Yeah?" Alex said, a bite of impatience showing. Alex wanted to finish his charts, he didn't want to sit and talk to Meredith's shitty day who left her to be raised by her shitty mom.

"You're an intern, right?" Thatcher asked. He had a nervous smile, one that was pissing Alex off. "I spent enough time here, I could probably guess anyone's job from their scrubs."

"I am an intern," Alex said. "So if you had any questions about your daughter's care, you should save it for Doctor Shepherd," he added pointedly.

"No, no, it's not about Molly," Thatcher said. "It's about my other daughter, she - she's an intern here? I wondered if you knew her? Meredith Grey?"

Alex could have said he knew Meredith, he could have said they were roommates and friends and Alex thought Thatcher was a piece of shit for not being in her life. If he did though, Thatcher was going to ask about Meredith and that more than anything was going to piss Alex off.

"Meredith Grey?" Alex hummed and shook his head. "Sorry, doesn't ring a bell. If you don't mind, I need to finish these charts before Molly's surgery."

Thatcher apologized and walked back in Molly's room with Alex glaring at his back the whole time.

Why did everyone in the hospital make the crappiest decisions?

Alex got Molly to the OR on time and managed to not glare too much while Thatcher and his wife fawned all over her, like normal worried parents. Where was that concern when it came to Meredith? How did some guys just walk away from one kid and decide to raise other ones?

"Are you ready, Karev?" Addison asked while they scrubbed in. "You're not too close to Meredith to do this surgery, right?"

"I'll be fine," Alex said. "It's not like they even know each other."

"They don't know each other?" Addison raised her eyebrows. "Wow. Nothing like a messy chaotic family on top of a risky surgery. Meredith already hates me, I'm sure I won't be winning her over if I let her secret sister die."

"Yeah, well, maybe try treating her like a person instead of being a bitch to her and then pitying her." Alex shook his hands off and dared Addison to kick him from her service. Alex could say anything, it wouldn't matter. Addison loved kicking him around the OB floor.

"I’ve tried, it's not exactly easy when Derek still so clearly loves her," Addison said. She held her hands up and backed toward the OR, both of them accepting the gloves when the scrub nurse put them on.

"You ever think that's a Derek problem?" Alex asked her. "I've never understood chicks who do that, your guy cheats so you're pissed at the other woman? Isn't he the one who made vows to you or whatever?"

Addison didn't answer so Alex took it to be her cue that she was done discussing it. Which was fine with him, Alex didn't need to hear her whine how her husband sucked.

The surgery was cool enough to keep Alex completely interested in it anyway. In-utero surgeries were always a little amazing, Alex got to see a baby before it was ever even born. It was something like magic then, seeing them curled up in the womb, still connected to the mother.

OB wasn't exactly Alex's first choice, but surgeries like that made it worth putting up with it all.

Addison was good at what she did, she had the hernia repaired and let Alex help insert the balloon. The instruments were so small, the sac was so fragile, any wrong move could send the baby in distress and cause an early birth then and there.

It made it tedious work, time consuming. Alex's fingers were sore by the time they finished with the baby, but they did it.

"I don't hate Meredith," Addison said suddenly while they were stitching Molly's abdomen back up. "Some days I even like her. It's hard to be around her though because she's younger, she's prettier, and my husband loves her. So, no, I don't blame Meredith and I don't hate her. But seeing her causes me pain."

"If I had to worry about my husband finding someone younger and prettier, I think I'd find a new husband," Alex said. It seemed like common sense.

"Well, it's not like you have to worry about that," Addison said, laughing abruptly. "If Meredith goes any younger than you, she'd be picking up dates at the college."

That - no.

"Meredith and I aren't together," Alex said.

"No?" Addison glanced up from the incision site. "Huh. I kind of assumed…"

"What? Because we're friends?" Alex asked. "Guys can't be friends with chicks unless they're screwing?"

"No, I'm sure plenty of men and women are friends without having sex," Addison said. "I assumed that you and Meredith were together because she looks at you the same way she used to look at my husband. And, for the record, I think the two of you are good together."

Alex clamped his mouth shut and didn't say anything else to Addison. Addison was a good doctor, a great surgeon, but Alex didn't need her butting in Alex's personal life. And Alex sure as hell didn't need Addison making him picture the way Meredith looked at him and trying to compare it to how she used to look at ‘McDreamy'.

Meredith had been crazy about Derek, she called him ‘the one'. There was no way that Meredith looked at Alex that same way. Meredith was giving up sex, taking up knitting. If she was interested in Alex… she'd tell him.

Wouldn't she?

Addison had the scrub nurse take Molly back to her room when they were finished and she sent Alex to the lobby to update the parents.

The mom, Susan, she seemed alright. She didn't abandon any kids that Alex knew of or left them to be raised by a narcissistic bitch. Alex focused mostly on her with his update, though he got a little distracted when he saw Meredith lurking behind them, half hidden in the doorway of a supply closet.

"Thank you, Doctor Karev," Susan said warmly when Alex finished his update. "And we can go see her now?"

"Yeah, she might be groggy when she wakes up, but you can wait with her," Alex said.

"I'll catch up," Thatcher told Susan. "I just had one more question for the doctor."

Susan nodded and took off to see her kid, the way good parents did. Alex put his hands in his coat pockets so that nobody could see his clenched fists while Thatcher talked to him.

"I think… uh… well, I think maybe you do know Meredith, because you won't look at me," Thatcher said. He stuttered a damn lot, it would give Alex a headache to listen to him for more than a minute.

"And that's fine, I get it," he went on. "I just - well, I wondered if you could… she came to see me, last week. She wanted to talk and it didn't go well. So, when you see her, could you - could you tell her I'd like another chance? To talk?"

Alex's eyes slid past Thatcher to where Meredith stood. She met his eyes and Alex couldn't help it, he couldn't help but picture all the times that Meredith looked at Derek Shepherd. It was the lines around her mouth, the way that she never seemed stressed or annoyed when she used to look at Shepherd.

There weren't any lines around her mouth then, Alex didn't know when they started disappearing when she looked at Alex, but they were gone.

"Nah, sorry, man," Alex told Thatcher. "I'm a doctor, not a messenger boy. If you want to ask Meredith for a second chance then you're going to have to grow a pair and ask her yourself."

Thatcher was a coward, a weak bastard. It was cowardly and weak to walk out of his kid's life, it was weak to ask Alex to pass on messages for him, and the way Thatcher scrambled to get away from Alex was cowardly too.

So Meredith must have gotten her looks and her backbone from her mom.

Alex did a lap when he had a lull on OB. The Shepherds were on the neuro floor, having another loud argument in Shepherd’s office. Addison wasn’t bad when she wasn’t being a bitch, Alex really thought she’d be better off dumping the husband and finding someone who gave a crap about just her.

Alex grimaced and was annoyed all over again when he found Izzie on the cardio floor, hanging out in Denny Duquette's room. They were both asleep, there was a ball of yarn falling off Izzie's lap, and they were holding hands.

"She's totally getting fired soon," Yang said. Yang had her feet up on the nurses desk and her own stack of files to work on spread out around her.

"If Bailey sees her holding hands with a patient then we’re," Yang drew her finger across her throat, "down to three."

"Whatever," Alex said. "Izzie's a big girl, she knows the risks."

"You're not still hoping she dumps heart guy and comes crawling back to you?" Yang asked.

"Nah, Izzie and I are done," Alex said. He propped himself against the desk, killing time until his shift ended.

"Good," Yang said mysteriously.

"‘Good'?" Alex repeated when Yang didn't elaborate. "What? Because she can do better?"

"No." Yang continued to work on her charts, writing down whatever notes she didn't put the first time. "It's good because I'd kick your ass if you're still in love with Izzie while Meredith's so clearly into you."

It was the second time someone said it that day and it was starting to get in Alex's head. There was no way that Meredith was into him, Meredith saw him as one of her friends - maybe her best friend, but that was it.

"You think?" Alex asked, feeling stupid for it. Yang and Meredith were close, Yang wouldn't screw with Meredith to screw with Alex.

"You're so blind." Yang sighed and she was so damned condescending when she looked up at him. "She started knitting so she doesn't jump you because she thinks you only pity her. All I'm saying, if you're really past Izzie and you're interested, you should go for it. But," Yang picked up her pen and spun it between her fingers, "if you cheat on her or make her cry, I'll take a dull scalpel and cut your balls off."

"Screw you," Alex scoffed. He'd never admit that he could feel a phantom pain in his sack at Yang's threat.

"Hey, you could do worse," Yang told him. "Meredith's like a total catch."

Yeah, yeah she was. Meredith was sexy, smart, she had a lot of fight in her. Meredith was like some freaking superhuman - she was the total package. Even the bad stuff, the borderline alcoholism and the sick mom and the obvious daddy issues weren't enough to think twice. It meant that big dark skeletons in closets wouldn't scare her off, and Alex had plenty of those.

Meredith was a total catch and if Yang said that she was into Alex, then he'd be a special sort of moron to not shoot his shot before she found someone smarter or hotter.

"I gotta go," Alex said. "Wake Izzie up, tell her to at least pretend like she's not dating a patient."

"Will do. Good luck. Don't forget! I will castrate you!" Yang yelled after Alex walked away from her.

As if Alex was going to forget that threat anytime soon.

Alex thought about what Yang said, what Addison said, and what Meredith's face said the entire time he looked for Meredith in the hospital. Meredith was great, Alex wasn't blind or stupid, Meredith was kind of the perfect partner.

Maybe not for people like Shepherd who didn't know how to fight tooth and nail for everything they had or for idiots like O'Malley who never could have understood that not everyone's life was all rainbows and sunshine. Alex though? Alex got Meredith and most of the time he thought that she got him.

The more Alex thought about it, about how Meredith was there for him when he needed her, about how most of the time she was the person Alex wanted to spend his time with, it just… it just made sense.

Alex already loved Meredith, she was his best friend. It wasn't that many steps away to being in love with her.

Alex had to stop in the hallway and think, actually think about that. Maybe he already was. Maybe it was why Alex couldn't stop thinking about her, couldn't stop worrying about her or getting pissed when people tried to walk all over her. Maybe it was why Alex wanted to spend all his time around her.

Shit. When did Alex fall in love with Meredith freaking Grey and not realize it?!

It was like Alex thinking too much about her made Meredith appear on her own. Alex had been just outside of the ER, hoping he'd find her in there, when Meredith walked out and found him first.

There weren't any lines around her mouth or any uneasiness as she walked right up to him with half of a smile on her face.

"I'd say thank you for helping save my future niece or nephew, but since I don't really know them it seems like a bad sentiment," she said. "I do want to thank you for telling Thatcher off, it would have been really annoying to have you passing messages between us. Alex?" Meredith grabbed Alex's arm when he didn't say anything or laugh at her best attempts of brushing off the shit from her dad. "Is everything okay?"

"No," he said. "Or, yeah, maybe, I don't know. Hey, do you have plans tonight? After work?"

"Well, I think I need a shower because my patient threw up on me," Meredith said. "Why? What's up?"

"Do you… do you wanna grab a drink?" Alex asked her. His heart was pounding so fast he thought he might actually stroke out. "Like me and you?"

"Sure." Meredith agreed too quickly to have understood what Alex was asking. "We can go to Joe's after our shift? I still owe you a drink from the other day."

"No, not like - not like ‘let's go to Joe's'," Alex said. It wasn't usually that hard to ask a chick out, but Meredith wasn't like other girls he'd gone out with. Alex didn't want to screw it up and lose his friend on top of everything else.

"Like do you want to go get a drink with me?" he said slowly. "Just me and you."

"Oh…" Meredith blinked, but Alex took it as a good sign that she didn't let go of his arm. "Like… like just us?"

"Yeah."

"Like a date?"

Alex could have taken it all back, it was his final out before he made an ass of himself. All he had to do was say ‘no' and they could have continued being friends who hung out together and talked about their ex's and their families and surgeries together. Nothing would change if he said ‘no' and that would be okay, if nothing changed.

"Yeah," he said. "Like a date."

"I…" Meredith didn't say no right away and Alex could wait, give her a chance to think about it. Alex would have even offered to walk away so she could think, but she still had ahold of his arm.

"Meredith?"

Alex didn't groan, he didn't growl. Alex didn't start cussing out loud or throwing punches. But seriously? When Alex finally got the balls to make a move he might have been waiting to make then freaking Derek Shepherd showed up out of the blue?

"Doctor Shepherd, hey," Meredith said, her hand slowly releasing Alex's arm. "Did you need something?"

Well, since he called her ‘Meredith' and not ‘Doctor Grey' Alex could guess that it wasn't anything professional.

"I wanted to know if we could talk," Shepherd said. "Maybe after your shift? We could go to Joe's and have a drink? Talk?"

There was no way - there was no way that the second Alex took his shot, Shepherd decided he wasn't done screwing with Meredith's head.

Alex didn't want it to be some awkward thing, he had hoped to skip any form of awkwardness. Alex didn't need an answer to his question then and there, but Alex did need to know what her answer to Shepherd was.

"Mer?" Alex said.

Shepherd walked right up beside Alex and smiled at her. "Meredith?"

It wasn't going to be a fair fight - Alex was Alex and Shepherd was ‘McDreamy' with a hell of a lot more skill and talent and history with Meredith.

Alex was scrappy and he wasn't afraid of a fight, but he didn't think that he was going to win a round toe-to-toe with Derek Shepherd. Which meant that Alex just put his ass on the line and bombed his friendship with Meredith for nothing at all.

"Mer?" Alex said, a sick feeling in his stomach.

Shepherd walked right up beside Alex and smiled at her. "Meredith?"

Meredith looked between the two of them, back and forth, and Alex should have said something. Alex should have said ‘never mind' or ‘just kidding' or anything to put the words back in his mouth. Alex didn't want to be standing there, being weighed against Derek Shepherd, to find out that he wasn't going to be chosen.

It was Meredith though, Meredith. It was Alex's best friend and Alex never thought about them together because it had never been an option before. Once it was? Alex couldn't walk away. Even if it was going to humiliate him, Alex couldn't walk away if there was even a 1% chance that Meredith might pick him.

"I…" Meredith seemed confused and Alex hated it, he did. Alex wanted to ask her and then give her time to think about it. If he was honest, Alex had hoped that Yang was right and Meredith would have said yes.

Alex never planned on Meredith being put on the spot to choose between him and Shepherd. There wasn't a good way to back down though, not without giving Shepherd a chance to crawl in Meredith's head and burrow in there again.

Until there was.

All three of their pagers started beeping at once. It meant an incoming trauma, something that needed all staff prepared. It meant that Alex couldn't wait for an answer, he had to go.

"Alex!" Meredith chased after Alex and it should have been a good sign, a sign that she wanted him. "Wait!"

"No, Mer, you wait." Alex stopped, only for a second. "Look, if you want to talk to Shepherd, do it. I don't want to be a rebound or something for you to do while you're pining for the guy. Just - think about it, okay? No rush, just let me know when you're sure."

Alex could wait, if Meredith needed time and Shepherd couldn't get in her head, he could wait.

"I don't need—"

"Karev! Grey!" Bailey hurried past them, pulling a trauma gown on as she did. "Let's go! We've got incoming."

Shepherd ran past when Bailey did and his eyes lingered on Meredith with a soft little smile that made Alex want to deck him.

"Later," Alex told her.

Whatever Meredith wanted to say could wait, especially if she was going to tell him she wanted to talk to Shepherd. Alex couldn't and wouldn't take the words back, they were out there, but he could wait to hear hers.

Alex went in the ER behind Bailey and got pulled into a cluster of staff all waiting to hear about what they had coming in. Izzie and Yang ran in just a minute after Alex and Meredith stood by Yang, not looking at Alex even once.

"Alright, everyone, listen up!" Chief Webber had a trauma gown on and it had to be a serious incoming to pull the chief into the pit. "There was a shooting at a restaurant, we've got at least 6 victims coming in. All injuries need to be photographed for evidence, any fragments or shrapnel need to be bagged with the proper chain of custody. The police do not have the shooter yet so it is imperative that we keep all evidence."

"Chief!" Burke ran in the ER, not gowned or gloved. "I need an intern if you can spare one. I need to go pick up a heart in Portland. I have a jet on standby."

"A heart?" Izzie whispered. "Is it Denny's heart? Denny's getting a heart?!"

"I'll go!" Yang yelled, literally jumping up and down to volunteer.

"You're past your hours," Webber told her. He looked out and it was Alex's eyes he caught. "Karev, you go with Burke. Everyone else, get trauma carts ready, they'll be here soon."

Alex didn't know if it was a blessing or a curse to be sent with Burke. Meredith said his name, but Alex didn't get a chance to say anything before Burke was rushing him to the roof to get on the helicopter.

"Is this a heart for Denny Duquette?" Alex asked.

"I hope so," Burke said. "You're not also overly involved in his case, are you?"

"God no," Alex said. "I'm good."

Burke nodded and then they couldn't hear shit when the elevators opened for the roof anyway. Alex ran toward the helicopter and pulled on the headset the pilot gave him and watched Burke buckle to be sure how to get his harness on.

Alex looked out the window of the helicopter and watched as Seattle Grace Hospital got smaller and smaller. Somewhere in there, somewhere running around like a speck from Alex's view, was Meredith. And maybe it would be Meredith running to Shepherd, maybe it would be.

There wasn't anything Alex could do about it though, he put himself out there and if she chose Shepherd then she chose Shepherd. It kept replaying in Alex's head, Meredith telling him how she thought Derek was the one for her.

"You and Yang," Alex said suddenly, needing to get out of his head, "how do you know she's the one for you?"

"Cristina?" Burke asked. "While that would be an incredibly personal question, I suppose that… I know Cristina is the one for me because I cannot imagine my life without her. In every instance of my life, I want her there."

Was that how Meredith felt about Shepherd? Did she want him around in every part of her life? Not when he hurt her, not when he called her a slut and kicked her off his service. Would she overlook it though? Could she?

"In return for your personal question, I would ask one of you," Burke said. "Is this about Meredith Grey?"

"I think Shepherd wants her back," Alex told him, still watching the scenery beneath them fly by, as out of Alex's control as Meredith's decision would be. "He was fighting with his wife and then went to Meredith and asked her to talk."

"Ah, so it's you against the great Derek Shepherd," Burke mused quietly. "You're in for a fight, Karev, I won't lie to you."

Yeah, Alex really needed to be reminded of that. The staff called Shepherd ‘McDreamy', they called Alex ‘Evil Spawn'. Shepherd was a renowned surgeon, respected and sought out by patients across the country. Alex was an intern, he had barely gotten started in his career. Shepherd had money, Alex could hardly afford rent and groceries on top of the money he sent home to his family every month.

"I believe you're a fighter though, Karev," Burke said. He looked over, Alex could feel his eyes on him. "I don't think that Shepherd knows what he's up against."

Alex really hoped he was right, but he wasn't going to know it until they got back to the hospital… if Shepherd didn't work his way back in Meredith's life in the meantime.

It only took an hour for Alex and Burke to get to Portland Hospital. The elevator from their roof opened directly on the OR floor for organ surgeons to collect their organs.

Burke took Alex to get signed in for the heart they were called for and the guy shook his head at them when Burke told him why they were there.

"The heart? It's already spoken for," he said. "There must have been a mixup, sorry about that."

"A mixup?" Burke asked. It happened on occasion, no system was perfect, but Burke was obviously freaking pissed. "Surely not, my patient is on an LVAD."

"Then he's perfectly stable." A woman doctor - tall, kind of reminded Alex of some Amazon woman with her build - joined them with a smirk. "My guy, on the other hand, is going to die if he doesn't get this heart."

"You're sure you're ahead of me?" Burke asked. "It could have been you that had the mixup, Hahn."

"Puh-lease," the chick, Hahn, said. "My guy was the next in line for a heart, Preston."

"Then a quick call to UNOS should clarify that," Burke said calmly, he was freaking unflappable. "Karev, call and get an update on Duquette. Doctor Hahn, let's call UNOS and get a definitive answer."

Alex really didn't want to waste a bunch of time while Burke and Hahn had a pissing contest over the heart. The quicker they got back to Seattle, the quicker Alex could find out what Meredith wanted to say to him. Which meant Alex needed to hurry and call the hospital and get an update on Duquette so he could get back with or without the damn heart.

*****

"So - wait? What did Alex say when Derek showed up?" Cristina asked. "Did he say anything?"

"He told me to think about it because he didn't want to be a rebound," Meredith told her. "Hold still," she said to her patient, a girl who got shot after her boyfriend hid behind her from the ex-employee who decided to shoot up his workplace.

Meredith started the first stitch on the girl's thigh and finished filling Cristina in on what happened while she worked.

"Alex said to think about it and to let him know when I'm sure and that he doesn't want to be a rebound," Meredith said.

"Wow, so he's like serious," Cristina said.

"I think it's romantic." Cristina had the boyfriend who had a rack of dishes land on him when his girlfriend got shot, giving him a nasty head laceration. He reached over for Meredith's patient and tried to give her big puppy eyes. "It reminds me of us," he said to her.

"Jeremy, you let me get shot," Meredith's patient snapped. "We are so over."

"What are you going to say?" Cristina asked, blessedly able to ignore the patients' love spat in favor of Meredith's boy problems. "To Shepherd or Alex?"

"I wanted to talk to Alex and he left with Burke," Meredith said. "Wait, aren't you past your hours? Shouldn't you go home?"

"And miss Traumapalooza?" Cristina asked. "Someone would have to shoot me to get me to leave."

"Wow, really?" Meredith's patient scoffed at Cristina and Cristina kind of deserved it. "I've got a bullet in my leg."

"Yeah, yeah, your relationship is trash," Cristina said. "You'll live. Mer, so you're choosing Alex? Like Alex versus Shepherd and you're going with Alex?"

"You think I should choose Derek?" Meredith asked. "He called me a whore, Cristina."

"Never choose the guy who calls you a whore," Meredith's patient said. "Also, never choose the guy who uses you as a human shield when there's a shooter."

"It was a panic response!" Cristina's patient cried. "It was instinct!"

"Your instinct got me shot!!"

Meredith tried to hurry and finish her stitches, she really didn't want to hear two people in a relationship fight. Meredith needed some space to think and she needed to talk to Alex.

"Doctor Grey?" One of the ER nurses stopped Meredith when she went to dispose of her suture kit. "You're being paged to cardio, 911."

"What?" There were plenty of patients in the ER, so many patients who needed help and who would need surgeries. "Who's paging me?" she asked.

"I believe it's Doctor Stevens," the nurse said with a shrug. "Sorry, it's crazy in here, I'm not entirely sure. Should I tell them you're busy?"

"No, don't do that," Meredith sighed. Maybe it would be Alex, maybe they got passed over on the heart and he was back already. Meredith could find him, they could talk, and then they could work through Traumapalooza together. "Can you put a bandage over the stitches on the girl in bed three?" she asked the nurse. "Thank you!"

Meredith really hoped that Izzie was paging her because Alex was somehow already back with the heart and he wanted to talk to her. If Meredith had an easy life, that was what she would have walked into on the cardio floor.

Because Meredith's life was insane and ridiculous, she walked in to Izzie and Denny Duquette having a deep heart to heart.

"Iz?" Meredith looked around the room, wondering why she'd been pulled up to the room. "You paged me?"

"Just - hold on," Izzie told her. Izzie looked tired, she had bags under her eyes and a pair of trauma shears in her hands. "Okay, Denny." Izzie sighed and she smiled at Denny like Meredith had never seen her smile before. "Should we say something? I feel like we should say something?"

"Do I tell you I love you now?" Denny asked her. "Because I love you, Isabel Stevens."

"I love you, Denny Duquette." Izzie's breath hitched on a sob and Meredith had to check Denny's stats again, he was fine. His vitals were all fine.

"If there's any sort of big glowing light…" Izzie said.

"I'll stay the hell away from it," Denny said.

"Guys? What's going on?" Meredith asked. "Izzie?"

"Just - block the door," Izzie told her. "Please, Meredith, please."

Meredith could do that, she could block the door, but she was getting a really bad feeling about why Izzie called her there.

"What are you doing?" Meredith asked her.

"Alex called," Izzie said. "Denny might not get the heart, it might go to another guy. If - if Denny's sicker than him though, if Denny's sicker, then he'll get the heart. I can't fake the labs, Meredith. So… so I have to make him sicker so he gets it."

"Iz, what? No." Meredith stepped toward him and reached for the trauma shears, really not liking what picture she was getting. "He'll get the next heart, Iz, you don't need to make him sicker."

"He won't make it that long!" Izzie yelled. "He won't make it and I cannot lose him, Meredith! I can't, okay? He needs this heart and he's getting this heart."

"What's your plan?" Meredith asked. "Are you going to stab him?!"

"No." Izzie took a deep breath and the scariest part was how in control she was, how easily she calmed herself down. "No, I'm not stabbing him. I'm going to cut his LVAD wires and stop his heart."

Meredith lunged for the shears to stop Izzie, but it was too late.

Izzie snapped the shears over the LVAD wires and almost immediately Denny's alarms went off as his pulse slowed to a stop.

*****

"Doctor Stevens said that Denny's getting worse," Alex told Burke. Alex had called the hospital, talked with Izzie. She told him that Duquette was going down the drain, Alex thought it was bull.

Izzie just wanted Duquette to get the heart, but it was her ass on the line if she was lying about it. Alex didn't care one way or another - all he wanted was to get back to the hospital.

Burke had UNOS on the line and made Alex repeat himself, listing off the probably bullshit vitals and levels that Izzie gave him.

"Doctor Hahn's patient is ahead of yours, Doctor Burke," the representative said on speakerphone. Hahn got smug, pulled the cooler with the heart in it closer to her.

"However…"

Burke grabbed the handle of the cooler and slid it back to the center of the table.

"If Doctor Burke's patient is deteriorating, we need updated labs to verify that he qualifies for emergency placement at the top of the list," the guy said. "Doctor Burke? How long could it take you to get those labs? You are the physician who placed Duquette on the list, it would be preferable if you were the one to take the labs."

If Izzie was lying, she was screwed. Burke was going to be mad as hell if he had to fly back to Seattle and found out Izzie had lied about Duquette's health declining.

"I can be there in an hour and have that report to you within ninety minutes," Burke said. "I trust that no decision will be made until then?"

"Correct," the rep said. "Until we receive the reports on Duquette, we'll wait to assign the organ."

"Seriously?" Hahn asked. "This is crap, Preston! My guy was ahead of your guy! The heart is his!"

"If my patient is deteriorating, then he won't make it through the night," Burke said. Burke turned his shoulder, giving Hahn his back, and lowered his voice for Alex. "Karev, wait here. I wouldn't put it past her to leave with the heart if we're both gone."

"Yeah, okay," Alex agreed. It wasn't like he had a lot of choice in the matter. "Hey, what's going to happen if Izzie's wrong about Duquette's vitals?"

"You mean if Stevens lied to steal a heart from UNOS?" Burke asked. "I'll have her fired and just as unable to find a new internship as O'Malley has found himself. Do you believe that she is lying?"

Honestly? Yeah. Izzie didn't mention that Duquette was circling the drain until Alex said that the heart might not be his. Then, suddenly, Duquette was dying then and there even though he had an LVAD that was keeping his heart pumping from the inside.

"No, sir," Alex lied. "I'm sure she's got it right."

It was crap, complete crap. But it was Izzie's ass on the line, not Alex's. Izzie's crap was keeping Alex away from the hospital for longer though and that was going to piss him off if she was lying.

*****

"Have you lost your mind?!" Meredith yelled. "Izzie!! This is - this is illegal! This is ‘prison for the rest of your life' illegal!"

"Do you think I don't know that?" Izzie yelled right back. "I know that! I don't care, Meredith! It's Denny, I love him! I'm not going to stand by and watch him miss out on a heart that could save his life!"

"He could get the next one! He had an LVAD, Iz!"

"LVADS FAIL! LVADS CAN FAIL AND HE SIGNED A DNR, MEREDITH!" Izzie screamed. "HE WOULD HAVE DIED WAITING!"

"He has a DNR?" Meredith had been doing chest compressions, forcing Denny's heart to beat. "Iz! Are you serious? What's the plan here?!"

"Burke is coming," Izzie said. "Burke is coming and he's going to see that Denny's sick and he's going to give him the heart."

"And you are going to prison!" Meredith said. "You get that, right? You are going to prison!"

Maybe Meredith shouldn't have been yelling while Izzie bagged Denny, kept him breathing while his body tried to shutdown. It was insane though, it was absolutely insane and Izzie paged Meredith to be an accessory to - to… malpractice at a minimum, murder if it went badly.

"I don't care," Izzie said. She looked down at Denny and sighed. "I don't care, Meredith. I will go to prison if he gets this heart, I'll do it happily. Don't you get it?" Izzie looked back at Meredith, her eyes wet and shining. "I love him, Meredith. I'd do anything for him."

Was that love? Was it love to risk everything that mattered to someone, the career they dedicated so much of their life to, for someone else? Would Meredith risk her career for Derek or for Alex? Would they do it for her?

"Burke is going to be here soon," Izzie said, repeating it like a prayer. "Burke will be here soon. Burke will be here soon."

Meredith really hoped that he was because there was only so long that they could keep Denny alive with his LVAD destroyed.

*****

Alex was getting antsy the longer that Burke was gone. It should have only taken him an hour to get to the hospital, maybe another thirty minutes to run the tests. It had been nearly two hours and Hahn was eyeing the cooler like a starving bear.

"If that phone doesn't ring soon I'm going to take my heart and save my patient," she said. "It's a load of bull anyway, Preston knows good and well that this is my heart."

"Look, lady, if you touch that heart I'm going to fight you for it," Alex said bluntly. "UNOS said they'd call us back, so we're waiting."

Alex really, really, hoped that Burke called soon. Every minute that passed could be a minute that Alex got closer to Meredith's marriage and happy ever after with Shepherd. They'd get married, have babies with Shepherd's stupid hair, and Alex would have to move out of the place he just finished moving into.

The phone rang then and Alex lurched for it before Hahn could, he wanted to hear the decision for himself. Alex pressed the speakerphone button to be fair, "Hello?"

"Doctor Karev? This is Doctor Anthony with UNOS." It was the same representative from before. "I've heard from one of your doctors, Doctor Yang. Your patient has been moved to the top of the list, the heart is yours."

"Great!" Alex grabbed the cooler and held it firmly, barely refraining from smirking where Hahn looked ready to have a tantrum.

"However, you may need to contact your Chief and see if you have a surgeon on hand to perform the transplant. From what I understood, there was a shooting that has Doctor Burke occupied."

"A shooting?" Alex repeated, his fingers tightening even more on the cooler. "At the hospital? Someone was shot?"

"I'm sorry, I don't have more details," the guy said. "Doctor Yang said that a surgeon was shot and that Doctor Burke was unavailable for the transplant."

There was a shooting, at the hospital, where Meredith was.

A surgeon was shot.

"Can you operate?" Alex asked Hahn quickly. If Burke was taking care of whoever was shot, then Alex needed a surgeon so he could get back to the hospital. "Hahn! Can you operate?" he yelled when she didn't answer immediately.

"I - yes, I can," Hahn said. "I'll call your Chief en route to get privileges, we can take my helicopter."

"Great." Alex hung up on the UNOS rep and snatched his jacket from the table. Every image in his head was worst case scenario - Meredith shot, bleeding out. If Burke was operating then it would be her heart.

Meredith couldn't die, she couldn't. Alex would rather go to Meredith and Shepherd's wedding and watch their kids grow up than lose Meredith.

"Let's go," Alex told Hahn. "Tell your pilot that we're kind of in a hurry."

"Your patient can wait one more hour for his heart," Hahn snarked while Alex began jogging through the hospital to the elevators.

Duquette could wait or croak, Alex didn't give a damn. But Meredith couldn't be hurt, she couldn't.

God, don't let it be Meredith. It couldn’t be Meredith. 

*****

"Tell me again, what happened with Burke?" Meredith asked. Cristina took over chest compressions and Izzie wouldn't give Meredith the ambubag to take over breaths. They had been doing CPR for a while, Denny could be brain dead.

Denny could be brain dead and Izzie could be going to prison and Cristina ran in the room and said that Burke had been shot.

"I told you…" Cristina was panting, out of breath with her compressions. "The guy from the restaurant showed up and he shot him, he sent me to check on Denny. Webber and Shepherd have him in surgery now."

"And - and Alex?" Meredith asked. "Was Alex with Burke? Cristina!" Meredith had to yell to get Cristina to respond. "Was Alex with Burke?!"

"I don't know!" Cristina yelled back, her voice shaking. "I don't know where Alex is! All I know is that Burke was shot and he could die and I am stuck in here ignoring an DNR while Burke could be dying!"

Meredith couldn't cry, she couldn't freak out. Cristina loved Burke, it was unimaginable that he had been shot. But Alex? Alex couldn't be shot. Alex couldn't be hurt. Meredith could not be trying to save Izzie from a murder charge while Alex died.

"Alex was with Burke," Meredith said. "Alex went with Burke. If - if Alex was shot…"

"Go," Izzie said. She looked at Meredith while she continued breathing for Denny. "Go, Meredith. We don't need you right now. Go find Alex and please, please find out if - if Denny's heart is almost here."

Meredith didn't question it, she couldn't. Meredith nodded before she ran from the room. Meredith ran blindly, bumping into Doctor Bailey and too distracted to apologize.

ER or the roof? Alex and Burke flew there, but Burke had been shot outside the ER.

Meredith started hammering the button for the elevator, over and over and over.

It couldn't be Alex. Alex couldn't be shot. Would anyone have told her if he was? Cristina saw Burke get wheeled inside, she saw him. Cristina saw Burke and Burke told her to go check on Denny for him. What if Alex had been shot too? Alex could be alone in a trauma room with no idea that Meredith didn't need time.

Meredith didn't need time to think about it, she didn't. It wasn't a contest, there wasn't a choice to be made. Alex was Meredith's best friend, Meredith couldn't live without Alex. Meredith didn't need Derek, she didn't.

Meredith needed Alex, Meredith couldn't breathe until she knew he was okay.

The elevator doors opened and Meredith was so momentarily blinded, all she could see was Alex in a trauma bed, bleeding out, that it wasn't until she was grabbed and pulled into a tight hug that she realized who was standing right there.

"Meredith, oh, thank God."

*****

Meredith was there and Alex didn't even think before he grabbed her and pulled her to him.

They could be friends for the rest of their lives, just as long as Meredith had a life.

"Meredith," Alex sighed her name and held her as tightly as she held him. "Oh, thank God."

"Alex!" Meredith was practically clawing Alex's back, trying to find purchase through his jacket to grab. "Cristina said Burke was shot and she didn't know if you were with him. God, I thought you were dead!"

"I thought you were shot," Alex said. He could have laughed, he nearly did. He spent the entire ride back from Portland picturing Meredith having heart surgery from a gunshot wound, he thought she was gone.

Hahn cleared her throat loudly and obviously. "Now that we've established that the only person who was shot here was apparently Burke, can we transplant this heart?" she asked.

"Yes! You have to hurry." Meredith let go of Alex just enough to let Hahn through the doors on the cardio floor before the doors closed on her. "Doctor Stevens and Yang are doing CPR, you need to hurry."

"Got it," Hahn said. She paused and raised an eyebrow at Alex. "Karev? You came this far for the heart, are you scrubbing in?"

"Go," Meredith said, giving Alex a small push. She smiled at Alex, right at him, at Alex. "We can talk afterward. Go, go save Denny for Izzie."

"You'll wait for me?" Alex asked.

"Yeah, I'll wait for you," Meredith said. "I'll wait, Alex."

Alex didn't smile much, rarely ever at work. But Alex smiled then, Alex smiled because Meredith was going to wait for him. Alex was going to go scrub in on a heart transplant and Meredith was going to be waiting for him when he finished.

Everything moved really quickly when Alex made it back to Seattle Grace Hospital.

Alex had been rushing, trying to find out which surgeon had been shot and hoping like hell that it wasn't Meredith. Then he found her, just as frantic, and she ran to him like chicks did in movies.

It was unreal, un-freaking-real.

Alex went straight from hearing Meredith say all of the right words to being invited to scrub in on a heart transplant for Duquette. Bailey went with him and Hahn, updating them both on what Alex missed while he had been procuring the heart.

"The shooter from the restaurant came here looking for one of the victims," Bailey said. "Burke tried to stop him, he got shot. Webber took him to surgery, he's - he's going to be okay."

"And this man?" Hahn asked. "My God, has his LVAD been cut?"

Alex didn't say anything, not one word. But he looked at the wires Hahn held up and he was pretty sure he knew exactly what happened.

Izzie knew that Denny wasn't going to get the heart and she cut the freaking wires… she actually cut his wires and caused his heart to stop so he could get that heart. It was sick, it was insane. If Denny made it off bypass and Hahn got the new heart to beat in his chest, it would be nothing short of a miracle.

"I see that." Bailey shot Alex a dirty look, like he'd even been there to be involved. "I'm sure that the chief will be asking a lot of questions to find out how these wires were cut."

Fine by Alex, he wasn't even there. Izzie put her ass on the line for Duquette, Alex hoped it was worth it. Alex couldn't protect her, he warned her enough times against it. To cut the LVAD wires? That went from ‘crossing a line with a patient' to freaking attempted murder.

Alex scrubbed in quickly, thinking more about Meredith than he was worrying over Izzie. It wasn't a thing that happened for Alex, not really. Even when Alex dated Izzie, there was a part of him that knew they weren't right together. Alex blew it up instead of ending it, a bitch move to make, but Meredith wasn't Izzie.

Meredith wasn't Izzie and she wouldn't run when Alex had shit going on and she wouldn't sleep around or treat Alex like a plague because of his family. Meredith didn't get scared off, she wasn't rushing to an altar or a family. Meredith was… she was good.

Meredith was a good thing and Alex could not screw it up.

"Karev, do you have any idea what could have happened in that room?" Bailey asked Alex the second Hahn left the scrub room for the OR. "I barely got Denny on bypass when I got there, he was almost dead. He might still die. This is not a game, this is a crime."

"Bailey, I wasn't here," Alex said. "I wasn't in the room. You know I went with Burke."

"I do know that. I also know that you are friends with the interns who were disregarding a man's DNR," Bailey said. "So if you know anything, you need to tell me."

Alex could have told Bailey his suspicions, but why make her job easier? They both knew what happened, it would be on Bailey to prove it.

"I don't know anything," Alex said stubbornly. "All I know is that Duquette needs a surgery and Hahn told me I could scrub in."

Alex was going to scrub in on a heart transplant and then he was going to go find Meredith. Alex asked her to wait for him and she said she would. It wasn't a direct answer, but Alex had to think it was the best sign yet.

Hahn was ready for them and she stepped up to take her lead spot when they were all scrubbed in. As a resident, Bailey got to take the assist while Alex stood just behind Hahn to watch the procedure.

"Okay, people, let's get this man a new heart," Hahn said. "Ten blade."

Alex got to watch Hahn cut Duquette's chest back open, using the same site that Burke did when he put in the LVAD. It was going to delay healing, but Alex kind of assumed that Duquette would prefer to live than to worry about a few extra days in the hospital.

"This LVAD is brand new," Hahn huffed while she pulled the LVAD from Duquette's heart. "This man could have had years with the LVAD. If he didn't cut his wires, my patient could have gotten his heart and they both would have lived."

"You think he cut his own wires?" Alex asked. Alex was sure that it had been Izzie, Duquette wasn't that stupid.

"He could have," Hahn said. "Either he was sick of being sick or someone told him that he wasn't getting the heart so he took a risk and cut his own wires. If I were you guys, I would have him get a psych consult when he wakes up, just in case this was a pretty severe suicide attempt."

"Oh I'm calling psych alright," Bailey said, glaring at Alex with all her might behind her mask. "I think there's a lot of people in this hospital who could use a session with psych."

Alex curled his lip up, confident that she couldn't see it. Alex sure as hell didn't need a psych consult, he hadn't been there. Izzie could probably use one, she lost her freaking mind, but Alex was fine.

"Karev? Would you mind getting an update on Doctor Burke?" Hahn asked before she started removing Duquette's heart. "I can't stand him or his God complex, but I don't want him to die."

"Go, Karev," Bailey said. "There and back, no stopping for chit chat!"

If Alex wanted to ‘stop for chit chat', he would and Bailey could bite him. She didn't get to be pissed off at him for what Izzie had done.

OR four had Burke on a table with Shepherd and Webber operating. Nobody was crying or freaking out so Alex thought that Burke was probably going to be fine.

"Chief?" Alex kept his face covered with his mask, not contaminating the room in any way. "Doctors Bailey and Hahn wanted an update on Doctor Burke?"

"He was hit in the right shoulder," Webber said. "It struck a nerve, Derek's minimizing the damage there. We won't know until he wakes how his hands will be."

If that bullet permanently damaged Burke's hand then it might as well have killed him. For a surgeon to lose any control or flexibility with their hands? They were done, completely done.

"Karev?" Webber stopped Alex before he could get back to Bailey. "How's Denny Duquette?"

"So far so good," Alex said. "Doctor Hahn was removing the heart when I left."

"It's strange that his LVAD failed," Shepherd said. "Burke said he came back first to check Denny's labs, Stevens told him he was circling the drain."

"Is that so?" Richard said. "I'll be sure to ask Stevens exactly what happened after Duquette's finished with surgery. I hope, for her sake, that the matter will be cleared quickly."

Alex didn't bother hoping. Hahn saw the cut wires, it was a nice clean cut. Hahn would put it in her report, the chief would read it, and Izzie could kiss her internship goodbye.

Meredith, Yang, and Izzie were all sitting in the OR main hallway when Alex went past there, hoping he'd find one of them.

"Mer, hey." Alex couldn't stay long, he didn't need Bailey jumping his ass or being added as an accessory to attempted murder. "What the hell happened with Duquette?" he asked.

"How is he?" Izzie asked tearfully. Izzie's eyes were red and swollen, she looked like hell.

"Fine so far," Alex said. "His LVAD wires were completely cut though."

"I can't talk about it right now," Meredith said. "I was told not to move. Can we talk later? After I'm fired and before I'm arrested?"

Alex really hoped Meredith didn't do something as stupid as helping Izzie screw with the UNOS order.

"Okay," he agreed. Yang seemed miserable too and it didn't hurt Alex to give her a quick update. "Webber said Burke was shot in the shoulder. He's pretty sure he's going to wake up, but he doesn't know how his hand will be."

"His hand?" Cristina repeated, her eyes wide but dry. "Oh, God… Burke can't lose his hand, he can't."

It would suck. It would suck majorly to lose any control of his hand. If the guy lived though, he could find a new career.

"I gotta go," Alex told them. He hesitated and reached out, just brushing Meredith's hand with his. "Don't get fired, alright?" he told her. "And don't help anyone do anything insane until I get back."

"I can try," Meredith said. "Just - don't let Denny die, Alex. Hahn has to save him."

Yeah, because if she didn't then it went from attempted murder to actual murder.

Alex made it back to the OR and scrubbed in just in time to see Hahn removing Duquette's heart. He gave Hahn and Bailey the report on Burke and tried to not act surprised when she offered to let him attach one of the blood vessels.

"Nice and easy, Karev, there you go," Hahn murmured, watching Alex's every move. "Don't push too hard, a light touch will do it. No need to waste this heart."

The surgery only took four hours to complete, Alex should have been dead tired. He wasn't though, when Hahn was ready to take Duquette off bypass and test the new heart, Alex was buzzing from the rush of it all.

"Ladies and gentlemen…" Hahn pointed at the monitor where Duquette's new heart sent out its first pulse on its own. "We have a heart."

The nurses in the OR started clapping, most of ‘em knew Duquette from all the time he spent in the hospital. Alex didn't clap, he was smiling hard behind his mask while a weight on his chest lifted.

Duquette wasn't dead, nobody was being charged with murder.

Well, nobody except maybe Bailey who ordered Alex to get the other interns and meet her and Chief Webber in his office. Alex had seen Bailey pissed a few times when one of them screwed up, Alex had never seen her pissed enough that he thought she might start shooting at them herself.

Alex grabbed Meredith, Izzie, and Yang and they sat in the hallway outside of the Chief's office for a while. Bailey was in there with Chief Webber and the longer it took to get them, the more Alex was sweating.

"Burke's going to be okay," Meredith was whispering to Yang. "Webber wouldn't be here if he thought Burke needed him."

"Yeah, he'll be fine," Cristina said, not really sounding like she believed Meredith. "It's Burke, he'll be fine."

"And Denny will be fine?" Izzie leaned past the others to look at Alex directly. "He's really okay? He's going to live?"

"Yeah, and you're freaking lucky," Alex hissed at her. "Do you have any idea how stupid you are? How reckless? You could have killed him, Izzie! Then you ignored a DNR and pulled everyone else into your crap? It's selfish."

"Denny's going to live." Izzie was clearly only hearing what she wanted to hear when she laid her head back and repeated it quietly. "Denny's going to live."

Alex shook his head at Meredith, the two of them sharing a look. Meredith leaned over closer to Alex and rested her chin on his shoulder so she could whisper in his ear.

"They said they love each other," Meredith breathed. "Then she cut the wires."

That was about what Alex figured happened. Alex thought it was a crush though, some stupid fling because Izzie wanted to save the guy and the guy had nothing better to do than hit on a hot doctor. Love though? They barely knew each other. Izzie risked everything for him.

"If I'm ever on an LVAD, don't you dare cut my wire," Alex muttered quietly, unthinkingly.

"Awfully confident that I'll be there when your heart hypothetically fails," Meredith said. Alex turned his head so he could see her and she was grinning, a little playful light in her eyes.

"I figured if it works for Izzie and Duquette, why not us?" Alex joked. "Who needs a first date or sex when we can jump straight to ‘I love you' and attempted murder?"

Meredith laughed and Alex saw that his too-loud joke had almost even pulled a smile from Yang. Izzie didn't bitch either, Izzie seemed like she was off in her own fantasy land in her head, probably some magical world where there were no repercussions for her decisions.

Webber's office door was thrown open, startling all of them. Meredith straightened up and Alex saw Bailey glaring down at them with Webber further in the room behind his desk.

"All of you, in here," Bailey ordered. "Now!"

Alex jumped right up with the others and followed in a line to the office, thanking God and Buddah and even freaking Yoda that he'd been with Burke while everything happened. No matter what Izzie did, Alex's alibi couldn't be more solid.

"I've just read Doctor Erica Hahn's report on Denny Duquette," the chief said, glaring at them each one at a time. "Am I to understand that someone cut his LVAD wire?"

It would have been a great time for Izzie to fess up, own what she did. It would have been an excellent time for Izzie to say anything at all. The longer nobody said anything, the more pissed the chief and Bailey both got.

"Somebody better tell me right now what happened in that damn room!" Webber slammed his hand on his desk, Alex had never seen the guy so mad. Attempted murder was a quick push to make the chief lose his shit apparently.

"Stevens, speak," Bailey said. "You were the one to initially call Doctor Burke."

"Denny - Denny was getting sicker," Izzie said. "I don't know… it all happened so fast."

Alex wasn't crazy about Izzie just then, he wasn't. Alex was kind of pissed at her, kind of annoyed that she turned out to be a freaking moron, but Izzie… Izzie was his friend, in a way. Izzie gotten past their short relationship and Alex cheating to help him when he had to study to make up his pre-intern boards and Hahn had given Alex a handy excuse to use.

"Look, I wasn't here," Alex said, cutting Izzie's nervous rambling off. "But the last time I was on Burke's service? Duquette had been depressed about the whole LVAD thing. Who's to say he didn't grab some scissors off a nurse and cut his own wires?"

"Alex Karev," Bailey was glaring so hard that she kind of looked like a pitbull with her face all mashed up, "do you really expect us to believe that Denny cut his own wires in some sort of suicide attempt?"

"I wouldn't put it past him," Yang said suddenly. "I was on Burke's service this morning and Denny seemed really depressed. I told the nurse to call for a psych consult and I was going to ask Doctor Burke about antidepressants for him."

"Which nurse?" Webber asked her. "Which nurse did you ask to call psych for you?"

"The one with the brown hair and perky smile," Yang said, vaguely describing half the nurses in the hospital. "I'm sorry, sir, I don't know her name. Do I really need to stay here? I'd like to go check on Doctor Burke."

Alex was sure that part wasn't a lie, Yang probably did want to see with her own eyes that Burke was alive. It did knock some of the air from Webber's chest and had him sinking back in his chair.

"Go," Webber told Yang. "Stay with Burke. The rest of you," Webber looked at Alex, Meredith, and Izzie slowly, "are going to stay busy until I am able to talk with the patient."

"Chief?" Bailey's eyebrows couldn't go any higher on her forehead then. "You're going to let them operate on patients when one of them nearly killed a man and possibly stole an organ from UNOS?"

Not ‘one of them', Alex wasn't even—

"Well, not Alex," Meredith said. "He wasn't even here."

"And yet I doubt that he's standing there completely clueless about the incident," Webber said - which, alright, whatever. "The three of you will be taking care of a very special patient while I run this investigation. You will not scrub in on surgeries, you will not watch any surgeries from the gallery.

“My niece, Camille, is in the ER. None of you fools will lay a single finger on her, I don't trust you to so much as hand her a tissue for a sneeze. What you will do is take care of her - anything she wants? You make it happen. Am I perfectly understood?"

"Yes, sir," Alex said with Mer and Izzie.

The second they hit the hallway, Izzie took off in the wrong direction.

"I can't believe it." Meredith watched Izzie dash off with a lot more shock than Alex had. "She's going to see Denny, isn't she?"

"Yeah, probably." Alex shook his head, barely able to even comprehend what Izzie could be thinking. "I hope she liked being a surgeon while it lasted."

Alex and Meredith fell in step together, neither of them rushing to go kiss the chief's niece's ass. So much shit had happened since Alex left with Burke that he was going to need a week to process it all.

"What happened anyway?" Alex asked Meredith. "Izzie cut the wires, that I can see. How'd you get pulled into it?"

"She paged me 911," Meredith explained. "You know, you think you're friends with someone and then they make you an accessory to a crime."

"You could have called for Bailey," Alex pointed out. Alex might not have, but Alex owed Izzie just a little bit. Probably not ‘going to prison for her' levels, but like he should apologize eventually for cheating on her with a nurse.

"It all happened so fast," Meredith said. She pushed the button for the elevator and Alex was glad nobody was around to bug them or butt in the conversation. "One minute I was stitching a leg, then I was trying to keep Denny alive. And then Cristina showed up and started yelling that Burke was shot… and nobody knew where you were."

It was kind of sweet, Meredith worrying that Alex had been hurt. Alex didn't know what to say to it, but he doubted if anyone except Meredith had cared if he'd been shot or not.

Alex was still trying to think of something to say - some way to get the words out that he thought she'd been hurt and he hated it - when the elevator finally opened for them. Alex's luck, which was just good enough to not be shot or in handcuffs, must have run out for the night because the only person on the elevator was Derek Shepherd.

"Meredith, there you are," Shepherd sighed, his body relaxing when he saw Meredith. "I was looking for you. I heard an intern was probably being fired and—"

"And what?" Meredith slapped her hand on the doorway of the elevator, keeping the doors open without stepping on. "And you assumed that I was stupid enough to get myself fired?"

"No, of course not," Shepherd said. "I didn't know what was going on, I only wanted to check to see if you were okay."

"I am okay," Meredith told him. "In fact, I'm great. Sure, I'm a whore who sleeps around, but at least I'm not being fired."

"Meredith, I didn't mean to say that," Shepherd said. "I don't think you're a whore."

Alex really had a lot to say to Shepherd, but he didn't think he'd be able to say it without adding his fist so it was probably better he let Meredith handle herself. She was doing great anyway, Alex apparently spent hours worrying about Shepherd for nothing.

"Great, then we have nothing to say to each other," Meredith told him. She pulled her hand off the elevator door and reached for Alex, slowly taking his hand in hers and lacing their fingers together. "Have a good night, Doctor Shepherd."

Shepherd looked at their hands, glanced at Alex, and then stared at Meredith the whole time the elevator doors closed. Alex was cool waiting for the next elevator, he wasn't cool if Meredith was screwing with him to screw with Shepherd.

"Look, if you want to talk to the guy, you should," Alex said. "I don't want to be some lame rebound or the shiny toy you use to make Shepherd jealous."

"I don't want to talk to him," Meredith said. "That's what I wanted to tell you earlier, I don't need time, Alex. When Cristina said that Burke had been shot, do you know what my first horrible, awful thought was? ‘At least it wasn't Alex'. So that's what I wanted to tell you, I don't need time to think."

Alex stared at Meredith and couldn't believe his luck, couldn't believe that Meredith didn't have to think about it, didn't want to chase after Shepherd. Meredith stood there and held Alex's gaze calmly, completely open.

Alex pulled Meredith a little closer, pulling her right up against him. Meredith put her free hand on Alex's lower back and he slowly put his on her cheek.

"You mean it?" he asked. "Not a rebound, not a toy. Just… us?"

"Just us," Meredith said.

Every instinct in Alex told him to wait for the catch - wait for the punchline or the cost of it. Meredith just stood there though, calm, solid, in a way that made Alex's chest tighten because what if there wasn't a catch?

What if, for once in Alex's life, there wasn't a second shoe waiting to drop?

"Alex…" Meredith managed to shuffle even closer to Alex, looking up at him with soft eyes. "This is the part where you kiss me," she whispered.

Alex didn't want to overthink it, he didn't want to look for some ulterior motive. Meredith was a good thing, a damned good thing. So Alex slid his hand down, tracing her jaw and then cupping the back of her head. Meredith's hand tightened on Alex's scrub top, her breath hitched when her lips parted and there wasn't any no, there wasn't any hesitation for her. Meredith was sober and she said ‘just us' and it was the part where they kissed.

Meredith leaned toward him and Alex ducked his head, turning just enough that their noses didn't bump when they kissed.

It was… surprisingly gentle. Meredith's lips were soft and it made sense, lips were supposed to be soft, but Meredith was so built up in Alex's head that it caught him off-guard to realize that Meredith was still human.

Meredith's hand slipped up from Alex's back to his shoulder and she held onto him while she moved her lips, trying to deepen the kiss. Alex had no problem giving her what she wanted, he would have been even happier to move it to an on-call room, but they were at work.

Which meant that right when Alex had been ready to suggest they went somewhere more private, they were interrupted.

"Are you kidding me?" Bailey had caught up to them and she stood behind them with her arms crossed and her face somehow even more pissed than before. "Is this internship a joke to you people?" she yelled. "The Chief gave you very clear orders, very clear! You were to go to the ER and take care of his niece. Did he stutter, Karev? Grey? Did you somehow misunderstand the man and believe that he told you to get your hands all over each other instead of working? Well? Answer me!"

"No, we didn't misunderstand," Alex snapped. It was starting to really piss him off, getting lumped in with Izzie's crap. Alex had a good day - a damn good day. Alex scrubbed in on an in-utero surgery, he scrubbed in on a heart transplant. Alex just kissed his best friend in the world and she was still holding his hand.

Alex won a silent fight against Derek freaking Shepherd, he didn't deserve Bailey to go pissing on his parade.

"Clearly, you did," Bailey said. "Since the two of you can't work together without all of this nonsense going on; Grey, you go help Stevens with Camille. Karev, you go stay with Denny Duquette until he wakes up."

Seriously? Alex would have bitched about that but he really didn't want to have to go kiss some kid's ass because her uncle was the chief. Plus, someone needed to get Izzie far away from Duquette and probably warn the guy that if he didn't suck it up and spend a few days of his recovery with psych bugging him that Izzie was going to jail.

"Fine," Alex said. He pulled his fingers from Meredith and didn't care if Bailey was standing there. "I'll catch up with you later?" he asked.

"I'll be here," Meredith quipped.

Alex winked at Meredith and then headed for the stairs to get to the cardio wing. Maybe the whole day was just some lucky streak of his, maybe the cards would turn against him soon, maybe Alex would develop a massive brain tumor to even things out, but until then? It was just Alex riding a lucky streak.

‘Just us'.

Izzie was in Duquette's room when Alex let himself in. Duquette already had the vent removed and seemed to be breathing on his own. Izzy wasn't even trying to hide their relationship, she was actually in the guy's bed, her head on his chest.

"Iz, seriously?" Alex said. "Get the hell out. If Bailey or the Chief see you then you're done."

"I'm listening to his heart, Alex," Izzie said. "I'm listening to his new heart beat in his chest. It's amazing, isn't it? His heart beating?"

"Yeah, miraculous, whatever," Alex said. "He's asleep, Izzie. You need to get your ass down to the ER before Bailey comes up here."

"Fine." Izzie still laid with her ear on Duquette's chest for a few more seconds. "He wants to marry me," she told Alex. "Before he went unconscious? He - he asked me to marry him. And now we can, because he has a heartbeat. His very own heartbeat."

Alex didn't bother reminding Izzie that she barely knew the guy - he could be some abusive asshole when he wasn't in a hospital or a drug dealer or maybe he killed kittens in his basement for all Alex knew.

"You'll stay with him?" Izzie asked after she finally got off the bed. "Make sure he wakes up?"

"That's my job." Alex sat down in the visitor's chair and kicked his feet up on the bed. "I'm a babysitter for sick guys now. Thanks to you."

"Thank you, Alex," Izzie said. "Really, thank you, for - for everything."

"I didn't do it for you."

Izzie laughed like it was a joke, still all ditzy and probably giddy over her plans actually panning out for her. Alex adjusted the screen for Duquette's vitals and laced his fingers behind his head, already bored out of his mind watching over a guy sleeping off anesthesia.

Maybe he'd wake up brain dead. Maybe he was already brain dead because who proposed to a chick they'd never even had sex with? Did Denny know that Izzie lived with Meredith? Did Izzie know where he even lived?

They were rushing into the biggest decision of their lives based on like two weeks of knowing each other as doctor and patient.

"Izzie?" Duquette started to stir on the bed, his voice was raspy and it took his eyelids a few seconds to remember how to open. "Iz?"

"She's not here." Alex swung his legs down and grabbed a stethoscope to check Duquette over real quick. "You're stuck with me again, sorry."

"Oh. Alex." Denny settled in the bed and gave Alex a tired smile. "Can I call you Alex? I feel like I can. I asked your friend to marry me, so I feel like I get to call you Alex."

"I don't care what you call me," Alex said truthfully. "But shut up so I can listen to your lungs. Deep breath in…"

Alex gave Duquette as thorough of a checkup as he could, checking every little thing. If Duquette died, Meredith was an accessory to murder. Everything looked good, everything except Duquette's history of blood clots that weren't being monitored with heparin yet.

"I'm going to have the nurse get you some blood thinners to watch for clots, but you got lucky," Alex told him. "You could have died. What were you thinking? You let Izzie pull some stunt like that and she'd go to prison, man. You love her? Great. Then you can't let her do crazy shit that's going to ruin her career."

"She's very persuasive," Denny said. "Hey, do you think you could get me a phone? I need to call my folks."

"In a minute," Alex said. "First, you need to listen to me. Doctor Bailey and Chief Webber are going to come talk to you about those LVAD wires, alright? When they do, you need to tell them you cut the wires. I don't give a crap what story you want to use - suicidal or trying to move yourself up the list. But if you don't tell them that you did it, Izzie's going to prison."

"Yeah, I can do that," Denny agreed. "Thanks, Alex, for watching out for her. You're a good friend."

Alex huffed quietly and wrote a quick script for blood thinners. "Whatever," he told Duquette. "Try to keep her out of trouble, Izzie's an idiot, but she's a good person."

Duquette laughed and Alex left him like that for a few minutes, laughing and preparing to call his folks to tell them about his new heart and fiancée.

"Hey, you mind getting him on a heparin drip?" Alex asked one of the nurses. "He's got a history of blood clots."

"Yes, doctor," the nurse said politely. She must not have known Alex very well, most of the nurses hated him.

Alex stayed in the hallway for a while, giving Duquette the privacy to call his family. It didn't take long before Alex saw Bailey and Webber heading toward him, Meredith just a step behind.

"Is Denny awake?" Webber asked Alex.

"Yes, sir," Alex said. "Vitals are good, he's stable. I added heparin to his medicine for clots and he needed to use a phone to call his family."

Webber surprisingly clapped a hand on Alex's shoulder and nodded shortly. "Good work, Karev," he said. "You two wait out here, Bailey and I need to talk to him."

Alex kicked back against the nurses station and hoped like hell that Duquette was willing to cover Izzie's ass. If he didn't, then he wasn't a guy that Izzie should marry anyway.

"Denny's okay?" Meredith asked.

"Yeah, fine," Alex said. "I mean, he asked Izzie to marry him after like five freaking minutes of knowing her, but his heart's good."

"Good," Meredith said. "Oh, Alex? Do you want to go to prom with me?"

Alex looked over at Meredith and lifted an eyebrow. "I think we're about ten years too late for prom," he said.

"No." Meredith laughed and it made Alex's shitty mood lighten more. "Camille is Webber's niece, she has Stage Four Ovarian Cancer. Today was supposed to be her prom, but she got brought in before she made it there. So her friends asked us to throw her a prom, you know, since she'll never live to see her next one, and Webber said we had to. Now everyone has to get dressed up and I need a date to the prom."

Alex leaned over so he could rest his shoulder against Meredith's, nothing that would get them bitched out by Bailey again if she caught them.

"Yeah, Mer, I'll go to the prom with you," Alex said.

Prom sounded really freaking lame, but it might be more fun with Meredith.

Chief Webber was so damn serious about the prom the hospital would be throwing for his niece, which was a pretty big abuse of power, that he sent Alex to go get changed for it.

Alex had like one suit that fit him and didn't make him look like an idiot, it was the one he bought for internship interviews. It wasn't anything snazzy, Alex didn't even know what guys wore for ‘prom'.

It wasn't like Alex ever had a chance to go.

Alex had been seventeen, finally back home after a brief stint in juvy. The courts were sick of dealing with him, sick of placing him somewhere only for it to fail, so Alex made his way back home.

It was a good thing he did, his mom was worse than ever. Alex kept trying to sneak her pills in a cup of tea in the mornings, but there wasn't a good way to force her to drink it.

Only one more year, Alex only had a month left of his junior year then one more year of high school before he could get the hell out of there. In the meantime, the cute chick from his chemistry class wasn't a bad way to waste time.

Alex was supposed to be tutoring her, but all they had gotten done so far was first and second base. Jessica had her skirt hitched up and her legs straddling Alex's lap while he worked from her neck down, kissing and licking and teasing her.

"Hey, Alex?" Jessica had her head thrown back and her voice was all breathy, like the chicks in pornos did.

"Yeah?" Alex said, really hoping she wasn't about to say she needed to leave or something.

"I know it's lame, but - do you want to go to prom with me?" Jessica asked. "I've got this super hot dress and I need a date. We could just like show up for photos then get a hotel or something?"

Alex didn't know how he was going to get a tux or whatever for prom, but… yeah, it could be fun, going with Jessica.

"Sure," Alex said. "I'll go."

"Rad," Jessica giggled.

They only had a few more minutes together before Alex heard the basement door thrown open and frantic footsteps were rushing down. Aaron was still in a foster home in Carlisle, Amber was with a family in Polk City. The only person in the house was Alex's mom and he quickly pushed Jessica off his lap and onto the sofa beside him.

"Mom?" Alex stood up and felt his stomach sink when his mom didn't look at him, didn't recognize him.

"They're here, they're here!" Mom was pacing, pulling at her hair. "They know that I know, they know. I can't let them in my head, not again. If they get the information then we're all dead! They will kill us and THEY ARE HERE!"

"Mom!" Alex yelled at his mom and tried to snap her out of the episode. He lunged for her and held her tightly, trying to calm her down, compress her body until she wasn't so worked up. "Nobody's here," Alex told her calmly. "You're safe, Mom. It's just me, Alex? Remember me? It's just us, Mom. You're okay."

By the time Alex's mom calmed down and recognized him, Jessica had left, leaving Alex alone to try and coax his mom into taking her meds.

And when Alex showed up at school the next day and heard that Jessica had told half the freaking school about Alex's ‘crazy mom', he never did go to prom.

Alex didn't look bad in his suit, he looked alright. If he had more time then he could have figured out what color Meredith was wearing, make sure he matched or whatever.

That was what dates were meant to do, he thought. And he had a date, Alex had a prom date with Meredith Grey.

Teenage Alex wouldn't believe that he'd grow up and have a sexy, brilliant surgeon ask him to prom.

 

Alex made one stop on his way back to the hospital and found that the whole lobby had already been transformed. It was cheesy as hell with balloon arches and banners hanging everywhere. There were a hell of a lot of teenagers there, one of them had to be the Chief's niece that started the whole thing.

Over in a corner was Yang, actually looking like a chick in her long purple dress and her hair pulled up.

"Wow, Evil Spawn in a suit?" Yang whistled and Alex rolled his eyes when he joined her. "I didn't know you could clean up."

"Yeah, yeah, laugh it up," Alex complained. He shifted the box in his hands, he really didn't want to listen to Yang laugh about that too. "You seen Meredith?"

"Last I saw she was doing her makeup in the locker room," Yang said. "Have you seen Izzie?"

"Not since I kicked her out of Duquette's room," Alex said. He leaned against the wall and looked at all the staff and surgeons that looked a lot different when they were dressed up instead of wearing scrubs and lab coats.

Addison Shepherd was there, throwing back a glass of champagne by Bailey. Bailey had even dressed up for the event, though her dress was more ‘Sunday service' than prom. Alex's eyes roamed slowly, killing time while he waited for Meredith.

Derek Shepherd was there, wearing a suit that probably cost as much as Alex's intern salary. Alex was kind of smug that he was obviously there alone. Torres was there too and she looked hot in her dress, but pissed.

"How's Burke?" Alex asked Yang after he checked the room twice and didn't find Meredith at all.

"Burke? He's - he's fine," Yang said, suddenly shifty.

"Have you even been to check on him?" Alex asked. "I'm pretty sure Webber would have let you skip this shit since Burke was shot."

"My relationship is not your business," Yang snapped. "How's Meredith? Did she run away from you screaming and crying?"

"Meredith? Nope." Alex smirked at Yang, still smug that Meredith picked him - or said it wasn't a contest or whatever. "Meredith invited me to this stupid thing."

"Oh yeah?" Yang looked past Alex, just over his shoulder. "So why is McDreamy looking at her like she's a full course meal?"

Alex turned around quickly and found Shepherd in the crowd again then followed his gaze to the staircase. Meredith was walking down it, looking like something out of a fantasy… Meredith's black dress clung to her with just the right amount of cleavage showing. Her hair was pulled back and Alex didn't think he had ever seen her wearing makeup before…

Meredith looked beautiful.

It wasn't surprising that Alex wasn't the only one to notice her, who wouldn't notice her? Alex was the one that Meredith invited though so he crossed the lobby as quickly as he could, never taking his eyes off Meredith, and reached her just when she reached the bottom step.

"Alex." Meredith smiled and it was the final touch on her look, the only accessory she needed. "You look great."

"Thanks." Alex wasn't usually tongue-tied, he always had something to say to someone, but Meredith looked like that and it took Alex a second to make his mouth work. "You look… God, Mer, you look amazing."

"Thank you," Meredith said. She offered Alex her arm. "Should we go dance?"

"Yeah, in a minute," Alex said. He was sweating bullets when he held the white box between them. It was lame, it was so freaking lame and he couldn't take it back. "I, uh, never went to prom so I don't know if this is even the right thing or whatever, but… here." Alex opened the box, showing Meredith the wrist corsage he picked up from a flower shop. It wasn't anything fancy, just a red rose with little sprigs of baby's breath around it.

"For you," Alex said. "You know, for prom."

"You got me a corsage?" Meredith laughed and Alex could actually feel the sweat dripping down his back. "Alex! This is so lame!"

"Yeah, I know," Alex said quickly, forcing a laugh like it had been a joke. "I'll just toss it, forget it."

"No! No! It's cute lame!" Meredith said quickly, snatching the thing from the box. She slid it on her wrist and held it up between them. "You can't throw them away, I love these very cute and lame flowers."

"Yeah?" Alex crooked his arm, a perfect gentleman, and Meredith slid her arm in his. "So you're like a secret chick then? Flowers and dancing get you hot?"

"Your very cheesy and lame flowers were sweet," Meredith clarified. "I'm not good at dancing, I don't even like to dance. But… if the Chief is dancing, I guess we have to."

Alex found the Chief then, dancing with a teenage girl wearing a silver sparkly dress with an IV in her arm. It had to be his niece, the one whose dying wish was to attend a stupid prom.

"Alright, say you're dying." Alex stepped on the makeshift dance floor and Meredith fell in his arms naturally. Alex wasn't much of a dancer either, but he could sway along as long as he had Meredith in his arms.

"You've got one dying wish, what do you wish for?" Alex asked.

"Oh, like my Make-A-Wish wish?" Meredith said. "Hm… am I allowed to wish for a surgery? Like a really big brain tumor that's tangled up and only I can save them?"

"That's your wish?" Alex laughed. "You're dying and your last wish is to have someone else dying too?"

"Well what would you wish for?" Meredith asked, laughing along with him. "An orgy in the Playboy Mansion?"

"Yeah, obviously," Alex said. He laughed again and tried to think about, tried to really think. "Alright, if I was dying, I'd want like a perfect day, you know? Go out on a high? So I'd want to wake up to like waffles and sex. Then I'd save someone's life, like some badass surgery. And then I'd want to see the Packers play."

"The Packers? Like the football team?"

"Yeah, they're my team," Alex said. "And after they won then I'd have steak and more sex and die in my sleep."

"See, now I like your idea better," Meredith said. "I want a perfect day too."

The song changed to something quicker, but Alex was fine to continue swaying in place with Meredith.

"Fine, what's your perfect day?" Alex asked her. "Aside from the impossible brain tumor and tequila, what else would you want to do?"

"Hmm…" Meredith thought about it while they danced, her head resting on Alex's shoulder. "I don't think there's anything I would want to do, aside from the impossible brain tumor and tequila. I'd want to spend the whole day in surgery, then I'd want to go to Joe's with you and Cristina and Izzie."

It did sound like a pretty damn good day.

"Oh, and sex," Meredith said. "I really want to have good sex. Like a sex marathon, Alex. I don't want to die in my sleep, I want to die right after an orgasm. That is going out on a high."

"Damn." Alex whistled quietly and shook his head. "That is going out on a high."

"Alex?" Meredith turned her head and whispered in Alex's ear, real unfairly since Alex was trying to be a gentleman. "You never went to prom, so you might not know this… but it's a really good time to hookup with your date."

Alex considered it - Alex considered how pissed Bailey would be if they snuck off from the mandatory event. Alex considered that he kind of didn't want their first time together to be in an on-call room.

Then Meredith kissed Alex's neck and he decided: screw it.

"Yeah, let's go," Alex said. He wrapped an arm around Meredith's waist and they rushed off the dance floor with Meredith laughing quietly while Alex tried to not look like they were leaving to get laid.

They passed Izzie in her dress, talking brightly with Yang. Alex tried to duck when they passed Bailey, but she was still with Addison and seemed distracted by taking care of a real drunk looking Addison.

"In here!" Meredith found the closest on call room and she slid her hands in Alex's suit jacket, leaning up to kiss him while she backed into the room.

Alex stripped his jacket without stopping to breathe, Meredith kicked her heels off. Alex grabbed Meredith just under the ass and hitched her up so they could fumble their way to the bed.

There weren't any flowers, except for the ones on Meredith's wrist. It wasn't soft and slow and romantic, it was hot and dirty and so freaking good that when they were finished, Alex could only think one thing.

"Yeah," he panted, naked and sweaty with Meredith laying across his chest. "If I'm dying, that's how I want to go."

"Me too," Meredith sighed. "You know… I could be dying right now."

Alex groaned and didn't think he was going to bounce back that quickly, but he'd give it a shot.

Alex flipped over and Meredith had her hands on his back, her nails scratching the line just between ‘soft' and ‘too rough'. It wasn't going to take Alex long, not while he kissed his way down Meredith's body, tasting as much of her as he could.

"Karev?"

Alex didn't hear the door being opened, but he sure as hell heard someone saying his name and Meredith's quick yelp. Meredith pulled the blanket up to cover herself and Alex was momentarily trapped between her legs.

It wasn't the worst place to be, really. If there wasn't someone looking for Alex, it'd be a great place to stay.

"Yeah?" Alex tugged at the blanket and kept Meredith covered while he sat up, pretty clearly what he'd been doing. It was only Torres in the doorway, her face all twisted up in disgust.

"It's Izzie," Torres said shortly. "She needs you."

"Okay, great," Alex said. "You wanna give me a minute here?"

"If you insist," Torres said. Alex definitely didn't like the shitty look she gave Meredith. "I'd be careful, Karev, the last coworker she screwed got fired."

Alex threw the blanket back, privacy be damned, and would have told Torres to go screw herself in as few words as possible, but she slammed the door before he could.

"Well… that was - something," Meredith said.

"Screw her," Alex said firmly. He started grabbing Meredith's clothes, handing them to her so she could get dressed too. "If Izzie's not dead, I'm going to kill her and Torres both."

"Well, Callie's dating George," Meredith said while she started pulling her clothes back on. "So I guess she's just defending him? I don't know, I really don't need more people in this hospital hating me."

"Torres is an idiot," Alex scoffed. He jumped in his pants and started quickly buttoning his shirt, probably missing a button somewhere. "I'm going to set her straight, make sure she knows it was Webber who suspended O'Malley, not you."

"Alex, I'm a big girl," Meredith said. She turned so Alex could zip her dress up, pretty regretfully. "I don't need you to fight my battles. Torres will get over it eventually or maybe she'll leave after her residency. Either way, it'll work itself out."

"You're an optimist now?" Alex asked.

Meredith grinned and tied Alex's tie for him. "Really good sex can do that to a girl," she said. "You go find Izzie, I'll avoid Torres, then we can get out of here."

Yeah, that sounded like a plan to Alex.

Alex started looking for Izzie the second he had his shoes on. She wasn't anywhere in the lobby and Alex planned to check the cardio floor next when Torres found him.

"She's out front," she said. "I wouldn't care, except she's George's best friend so I'm trying to pretend to care."

"While you're pretending to care, maybe start with why O'Malley was canned and who did it," Alex told her. Alex walked quickly through the lobby, the quicker he found Iz the quicker he could get out of there.

"Yeah, because Meredith cried sexual assault to the chief," Torres said, sticking by Alex even though he really needed her far away from him. "I heard the chief used to be with her mom, it's sick. I don't know how you hook-up with someone like that."

"You know what I don't know?" Alex stopped just in the doorway of the hospital and jabbed his finger at Torres, barely stopping himself from making contact. Alex wasn't going to hit a chick, but she was pissing him off.

"I don't know how you believe some sleazebag over another woman," Alex said. "Webber believed Meredith, Bailey believed Meredith. Hell, Addison freaking Shepherd believed Meredith. You are the only one walking around here defending O'Malley and that's only because you've got some sick crush on the guy. You want to sleep with a guy that lost his job for assault? Have at it. But if you talk about Meredith like that again, we're going to have a problem."

Alex walked away then because he was pissed and he wanted to get out of there. Torres was an idiot and Izzie was really screwing with Alex's night.

"Iz?" Alex walked to the bench midway down the walkway to the hospital where he saw Izzie sitting. She still had on her pink dress, but she had her doctor's coat in her hands too. "Iz? What's up?"

"I… um… I was just fired," Izzie said faintly, staring off in the distance. "Chief Webber fired me. I am… fired."

"What?" Alex sat by Izzie and grabbed her arm, trying to snap her out of her shock. "Are you kidding me? What did Denny tell him?"

"Denny told him that he cut his wire." Izzie inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly. "Denny said he cut it because he was depressed and now he's on antidepressants with a tech from psych watching him for a few days. He has to follow up with a therapist before he can be discharged but I won't be there because I'm fired. Oh, and banned from the hospital. I am banned from the hospital too."

"What the hell are you fired for then?" Alex demanded. "If Denny took the fall, they had no reason to fire you!"

"Webber said…" Izzie's lip wobbled and Alex really didn't want her to start crying. "Webber said it - it was a violation of the professional ethics in my contract."

"Iz…" Alex rubbed Izzie's back, lost for what to say. "Why didn't you lie? Tell him there was nothing between you and Denny? He couldn't prove it."

"I couldn't, Alex." Izzie's tears started falling and her voice hitched in an awful way. "I couldn't say there wasn't anything there because I love him, I love him so much. I love him more than I love being a surgeon, more than I love working here."

That was crazy, absolutely nuts.

It was also Izzie and Alex knew it. Izzie didn't love anyone or anything half-assed, Izzie put her whole heart and soul into it.

"I'm sorry, Iz," Alex said, hating all of it for her. It was crap, having to choose between love and a career. Alex didn't know if Duquette was worth it; if it didn't work out, if he was a different guy outside of the hospital than in it… Izzie lost her career for nothing.

Soft footsteps made Alex look over and Meredith caught his eye. Alex shook his head, it wasn't anything good.

"All I ever wanted to be was a doctor," Izzie cried, working herself up to full blown hysterics. "I wanted to help people, make a difference in the world. I'm never going to find a new internship, I'm - I'm done, Alex. I'm done. I'm fired and I can't even go tell Denny myself."

Alex didn't say he told her so, he didn't say they all tried to warn her. When Izzie threw herself on Alex's chest and started sobbing, Alex just rubbed her back.

"I can go tell Denny, Iz," Meredith offered. "I'll check on him, tell him what happened. And I can give him the house number so he can call, you guys can talk every day until he's discharged."

"What if something happens before he's released?" Izzie sobbed. "What if - what if he dies and I'm not there because I am fired?"

"Denny's not going to die," Meredith said. "The first fourty-eight hours are the most important, right? That's the window for when the heart could fail or send out a clot? We'll watch him, me and Alex. We can do that for you, Izzy."

"You - you would?" Izzie asked, lifting her head so Alex could see her ruined makeup and she could look at Meredith. "You'd do that for him?"

"Well, for you," Meredith said. "We're your friends, Izzie. We can do that for you."

Alex wouldn't have volunteered to spend the next two days babysitting Duquette on top of work and trying to get Meredith naked and sleeping, but he still nodded when Izzie looked at him for confirmation.

"Yeah, sure," he said. "I mean, there's nurses that are getting paid to do that, but I can check on him I guess."

"Thank you." Izzie didn't stop crying, she actually started crying more and threw herself on Alex's chest again. "Thank you! Thank you both."

Great. So the next two days were going to suck and Alex's one good suit was ruined.

Since they weren't going to get anymore time together that night, Meredith offered to take Izzie home and Alex dragged his sorry ass up to Duquette's room. There was a tech from psych sitting outside the room, reading while Duquette could be hanging himself if he felt like it.

"You're not Izzie," Duquette said when Alex pulled the more comfortable chair from behind the desk to the room.

"Nope. Izzie was fired," Alex said. No need to dance around it, Izzie made her choice.

"What?" Duquette tried to sit up and was kept in place by the IV and nasal cannula. "For what? I told them I cut the LVAD, it wasn't Izzie."

"Dude, you think that they're going to be cool with you two hooking up?" Alex asked. He dropped his feet on Duquette's bed because he was sure as hell taking a nap. "I hope you're serious about her, because she just gave up her career for you."

"I am serious," Duquette said, about as solemn as Alex had ever heard him. "I love her, I do. But I didn't want her to lose her job. She worked real hard to get here."

"I mean, she's still a doctor," Alex said. His jacket made a decent pillow; as ruined with wet mascara as it was, a pillow might be its only use. "But her surgical career is over, done. Nobody's taking a chance on the chick fired for misconduct or whatever."

Alex closed his eyes, not feeling real warm and fuzzy for Duquette just then. If he could have waited to flirt with Izzie until after he had his transplant, it would have been fine. Izzie could have had the career and the guy, but they screwed it all up and intern records could always be found.

"Izzie loves it here," Duquette said. "She loves the hospital and the staff and you know she has patients that ask for her? Just because they know that she'll care about them. She loves that too."

"Yup," Alex said. "She wants to help people, I guess she'll have to find somewhere else to do it."

Which sucked. Because Izzie was a good doctor, she was. Izzie cared about her patients and she fought for them to get the best possible treatment. Alex was a decent doctor, he wanted to be a great surgeon - but Izzie was already a good doctor.

"Yeah, maybe," Duquette said quietly. "Hey, what are you doing here anyway? I thought my babysitter was in the hall."

"Izzie asked me to," Alex said. He opened one eye so he could be sure Duquette knew he was pissed. "And just so you know, you owe me. Because I had a lot of plans for tonight that didn't involve you."

"Thanks, Alex," Duquette said as he settled down in the bed to get his own rest. "I'll remember that."

Alex snorted quietly and hoped if he didn't say anything else that Duquette would get the hint and shut up. If Alex was going to be spending the next two days not getting laid, he needed to at least get some sleep.

"Benjamin O'Leary, thirty-two years old. Mister O'Leary has a tumor pressing on his frontal lobe, impairing his impulse control amongst other concerns."

"God, you're really pretty." The patient, kind of proving Meredith's point, interrupted her presentation of his case. "Do you work out a lot?" he asked. "You have the kind of ass like you do squats. I tried to get my ex-boyfriend to do squats to trick him into getting a better ass, but he left me instead. Do you do squats?"

Alex snorted and Meredith grinned a little, more amused than insulted really. It wasn't like the guy wanted to be blurting out all of his thoughts, it was the tumor. And who didn't want a gay man to compliment them?

"I do not do squats," Meredith told him. "I do run around this hospital a lot though, I think that helps."

"Doctor Grey, if you wouldn't mind finishing the presentation." Derek was the only one in the room who didn't seem amused by Benjamin. Even Cristina was hiding a smile and Meredith hadn't seen her smile since Burke was discharged from the hospital.

"Mister O'Leary is scheduled for surgery today to remove the tumor," Meredith went on. "If we're successfully able to remove the entire tumor, we'll do follow up scans every week for six months."

"And - and he'll be better, right?" Benjamin's sister, Ruth, stood by the bed, fretting and holding on Benjamin's shoulder. "Because it's not just his speech, it's everything. Everything he thinks about doing, he does."

"After surgery, the impulse control should be back to normal," Meredith assured her. "We're hopeful that with the prior treatments Benjamin had that there won't be any reoccurrence of the tumor."

"Do either of you have any questions?" Derek asked them.

"Yeah." Benjamin looked between Meredith and Derek. "Are you two sleeping together? Because you kind of look at her like you'd like to bend her over my bed right now."

Meredith, like the very grown and mature adult that she was, looked at the report in her hands, not saying a word. She was pretty sure she heard Alex's teeth actually grinding, which probably shouldn't have been funny.

Alex didn't get a whole lot of sympathy from Meredith. Sure, he had to work with Meredith's ex, but Meredith had to live with his. And Alex's ex wasn't even paying rent anymore because she was unemployed and she was going through some manic state of psychosis where she was filling the kitchen with muffins and bridal magazines.

Meredith was apparently doomed to be a bridesmaid in the wedding that lost Izzie her career.

"We are not," Derek answered Benjamin, perfectly respectful even if Meredith could hear his annoyance. "I'm going to let Doctor Grey prep you and I'll see you in the OR."

"He's hot," Benjamin said when Derek and the other interns left, leaving Meredith to start the surgery prep. "I think you could definitely have sex with him if you wanted. You should, I would."

"Well I think he's single now," Meredith told Benjamin. "So if there was ever a time…"

"I'm probably not his type," Benjamin sighed. "At least he's going to touch my brain, I could probably jack off to that."

Meredith laughed, really laughed, while Ruth scolded Benjamin for being gross. It was a little gross, but mostly it was funny.

It didn't take Meredith long to get Benjamin prepped for his surgery. The others had moved on from the neuro wing so Meredith tried to track Cristina down on the cardio floor. The two of them hadn't had a chance to catch up lately, with Burke and Alex and prom and all of the crazy things that kept happening.

Cristina was with a patient and an attending when Meredith found her, it wasn't one of the attendings that Meredith knew well, it was the cardio surgeon covering while Burke was gone. All Meredith knew about them was that Cristina thought they were a hack and couldn't touch Burke's talent with the Space Needle.

Those were Cristina's words anyway.

Meredith would have checked on Denny while she waited, but she was pretty sure she saw Chief Webber in his room. Meredith really hoped nothing was going on, they had set a discharge date for him yesterday and Izzie was ecstatic.

Ecstatic and insane, very much both.

"Ugh, kill me." Cristina joined Meredith at the nurses desk and laid her head on the counter. "I miss Burke. I need him back."

"When's he planning on coming back?" Meredith asked.

"Soon, I hope," Cristina said. "He's been such an ass since he's been home. It's making me crazy."

"Well, he was shot," Meredith reminded her. "So I think he's allowed to be an ass for a little while."

"How long though? Because I can't take it."

"Maybe a week?" Meredith said. "One week of being an ass, then you really need to get him out of the house and back at work. I mean, Addison said she was worried to even have this guy scrub in with her on one of her patients."

"Oh yeah?" Cristina turned her head and stared at Meredith. "Is that what your new best friend said?"

"We are not ‘best friends'," Meredith rolled her eyes. "Her and Alex are friends. Alex and I are dating. He's not allowed to be a jerk to you, I have to put up with Addison sometimes."

Twice, really. Alex invited Addison to Joe's with them one night and then they all had lunch together at the hospital once. Addison was kind of great when she wasn't hating Meredith's existence and blaming her for her marriage failing.

"I still can't believe you're dating Evil Spawn," Cristina said. "Are you guys going to get matching 666 tattoos? Sacrifice virgins together? Ooh, make one of those prayer circles that summon the devil?"

Meredith laughed, Cristina would never let Alex move on from his early douche-days at the hospital. "Things with Alex are great, actually," she said. "Did you know he went to college on a wrestling scholarship? I didn't even know wrestling was a thing people could get a scholarship for."

"So Evil Spawn is great at wrestling guys in tights," Cristina cooed. "Is that what sex is like? Is he wrestling you the whole time?"

It was definitely not what sex was like. Sex with Alex was good, really good. It was like life-changing sex.

"I hate you," Cristina whined, only needing one look of Meredith's face to know what she was thinking. "It could have been Alex who got shot, you know. Then you wouldn't be having sex, he'd be doing PT and being an ass."

"I am going to pretend that you didn't wish Alex being shot on me," Meredith said, totally being the bigger person. "And I can pretend that because I am having really good sex."

Cristina turned her head back and groaned, she was so dramatic when she wasn't getting laid or surgeries. "Go," she groaned. "Get very far away before I take my sexual and surgical frustrations out on you."

Meredith laughed again and patted Cristina on the head consolingly before she left. "Burke needs more time then you'll be back to having sex and diseased hearts to work on," she said. "When that happens, I am going to tell you about the really great sex I'm having and you'll be happy for me."

Cristina said a lot of things then, none of them were ‘I'm so happy for you, Meredith'. She was moping, it was okay. If Meredith wasn't Meredith, she wouldn't want to know about her easy relationship, great sex, and drinks with her new friend either.

Meredith swung past the lab to pick up Benjamin's reports and then she read them on her way to the OB wing. Alex was still on Addison's service, he was really pretending hard to hate being on her service, but Meredith thought he was starting to like it. Neonatal surgery was elite, absolutely hardcore, it wouldn't be a bad specialty to go into.

Except for the scrubs, all of the surgeons on the OB and neonatal services wore pink scrubs and really they were just tacky. Meredith should probably warn Alex that if he wore pink scrubs one day that she was going to have to pretend to not know him in public.

"Doctor Grey." Addison and Alex were reading a case report together, both of them drinking coffee cups and with almost identical looks of concern. Maybe they weren't friends, maybe they were merging into the same person.

"Doctor Montgomery," Meredith said. Addison had filed for divorce and asked everyone to not call her Shepherd anymore, which Meredith was more than fine with. "Big case?" she asked. Alex was still frowning at the report and Meredith could practically see him trying to think of treatments.

"Mm, a mother with cancer," Addison sighed. "I'm trying to find a way to save the fetus, but I think she's going to have to abort."

"What if we wait until thirty weeks?" Alex suggested. "Or even twenty-eight? She's already ten weeks along, she could still get treatment if she waits a couple of months."

"Look at her prior scans," Addison told him. "See here?" she circled the growths and flipped between the two scans. "They're growing so fast, it may be inoperable by then."

"But it's a chance though," Alex said. "She just needs a chance."

"We'll present her all of her options," Addison said. "It's going to be her decision, but I am going to heavily suggest she terminates."

"I can go," Meredith offered. "You guys are busy. Oh, Alex? If you get home before me will you tell Izzie that Chief Webber was talking to Denny? I think Denny might be trying to get her job back."

"You didn't hear?" Addison asked. She looked around and leaned forward to lower her voice. "Denny's apparently extremely wealthy, he's wanting to donate money to the hospital. The chief was singing this morning, he was so happy about it."

That was definitely one of the perks of being around Addison, she always seemed to know what was going on with the chief and most of the other attendings, as long as it didn't include Derek or Sloan.

"What? He thinks if he donates enough money that Izzie can come back?" Alex guessed. "God, I'd like to be rich enough that there's no consequences for my decisions."

"We're talking like ‘new wings of the hospital' kind of money," Addison said. "You should be happy if Stevens comes back," she told Alex. "I liked Stevens, she had a lot of promise in OB. Then I can finally set you free to go play in plastics."

"You could set me free anyway," Alex said, even though Meredith saw him tighten his hold on the case report, as if he thought Addison would snatch it away. "We both know you're only keeping me around as a Shepherd-Shield."

"A what?" Meredith asked, already laughing. "Did you say a Shepherd-Shield?"

"He's not wrong," Addison said, smirking slightly. "Anywhere Karev goes, Derek avoids. It's just a happy coincidence that Karev also shows natural talent with OB and peds."

Alex scowled, because he really couldn't see how good he was. Alex thought of himself as some sort of underdog, someone who had to work twice as hard to make up for imaginary shortcomings. Alex was good though, really good.

"Well, you two have fun with your Shepherd-Shield and horribly tragic cancer lady," Meredith said. "I am going to go get my impulsive and inappropriate patient and help remove a brain tumor."

"Have fun," Alex said. "Don't let McDick be a douche."

Meredith waved and went on her way, laughing to herself at Alex's ever changing nicknames for Derek. Meredith was pretty sure it wasn't even some testosterone fueled jealousy, Alex just didn't like Derek.

Truthfully, Meredith didn't much like him lately either. Derek had been pushing Meredith away from neuro since the prom, all the until Sloan tried to request her. If anyone was having testosterone fueled tantrums lately, it was Derek.

It would kind of suck to lose his wife, miss a chance to rekindle with the unknowing mistress, and have the guy who slept with his wife show up and start working in the same hospital. It wasn't an excuse to be an ass though; Izzie was fired and Meredith was dating her ex and she was still all happy and peppy.

Of course, maybe Meredith shouldn't compare people to Izzie. Izzie was a little bit insane.

Benjamin's labs had him cleared for surgery and Meredith finished her prep quickly, changing his medicines and refreshing his IV. Benjamin asked a lot of personal questions and insulted Meredith's conditioner, but Meredith thought his blunt honesty was refreshing in a way.

"I'm scared," Benjamin said when Meredith unlocked his bed to start toward the OR. "Do you think I should be scared?"

"I think it's normal to be scared," Meredith said. "But I also think that you have a very good surgeon and that we are going to take great care of you."

"Are you good?" Benjamin asked. "Or is he good?"

"I'm still learning, so I'm not good-good yet," Meredith said, as honest as Benjamin was. "He's very good though and if I learn enough from him, I'll be good one day too."

"I think if you slept with him you'd learn more," Benjamin said. "He could teach you things afterward."

"I will not have sex with him because I have a boyfriend," Meredith told him, laughing again at Benjamin's one-track mind. The elevator doors opened and Meredith pushed Benjamin in, sighing internally that Sloan and Torres were on there.

Sloan was… he was dirty. Dirty dirty. Sloan was arrogant and a flirt and as much as Alex wanted to learn from him, Meredith really wished Sloan wasn't hanging around the hospital. And Torres was just a mean girl, she reminded Meredith of the girls in high school who were stuck up and made up rumors about each other.

"Who's your boyfriend?" Benjamin asked, continuing the conversation even with the audience. "Is he hot? Is he good at sex? I really hope this tumor gets taken out today, I miss sex."

"He is - uh - very hot," Meredith said, very aware that Sloan and Torres were shamelessly eavesdropping on her. "Do you remember the doctors from this morning? He was the one with the brown hair and tan."

"He was hot," Benjamin agreed. "And the sex? He has the whole arrogant thing going on that makes me think he's good at sex. Arrogant guys are always good at sex."

"Which makes me a God," Sloan whispered - right in Meredith's ear.

Benjamin must have heard him because he twisted in the bed and Meredith could practically see hearts in his eyes like in cartoons. "You are a God," he said. "I bet you're great at sex."

"I haven't had any complaints yet," Sloan bragged. He elbowed Torres and winked. "Right, Torres?"

Meredith's eyebrows flew upward all on their own. Sloan and Torres? Apparently, she was done with George.

"Shut up," Torres hissed. "Jesus, Mark."

"The two of you are having sex?" Benjamin asked. "If I don't die in surgery, I'd really like to see that."

It was the grace of some God somewhere that the elevator doors opened on the OR floor and Meredith could escape the horrible awkwardness.

"Benjamin, you really have a one-track mind," she said, scolding him politely. "Do you wonder about everyone's sex life all the time?"

"Only when I think I'm dying," he said. "It's easier to think about sex."

Meredith's brief annoyance was gone as soon as it came on. Benjamin was avoiding his fears, Meredith could understand that.

"You're going to have to find something new to think about when you wake up," Meredith told him. "Because you're not dying today, okay?"

"Okay."

Meredith was able to ignore the frosty silence in the scrub room between her and Derek by thinking only of the upcoming surgery. If she took Benjamin's lead, reversing it, then she could make her mind one-track during work too - focus only on the medicine, save the sex thoughts for after work.

Or like in an on-call room if Alex had time.

"Are you ready?" Derek asked her, breaking the silence. "I thought that you could make the incision in the skull today, Doctor Grey."

"Really?" Meredith asked. "I mean, thank you, Doctor Shepherd, I would love to."

Meredith could tell that Derek was smiling behind his mask and she thought that maybe things didn't have to be awful between them. They dated, it went badly. Derek tried to repair his marriage, which went badly as well. That was it, it really didn't need to be the cloud constantly hanging over them all.

Maybe everyone needed a chance to be an ass for a while and they could all move on. It would certainly make work easier if Meredith could work on neuro's service without trying to constantly avoid Derek.

Benjamin's surgery went great - Meredith got to cut out the opening for Derek and then she suctioned while he retracted and removed the tumor. Meredith went to give Ruth an update before returning to help with closing the incision.

"Poor Benjamin is going to have to find new things to talk about," Meredith said, laughing quietly. "I think he's asked every person in this hospital about their sex life today."

"Did he?" Derek sounded amused, even though he definitely hadn't been that morning during rounds. "I sometimes think that life would be easier if everyone said what they were thinking all the time."

"I think that I would be fired in less than a day if that happened," Meredith said. "I think that a lot of things are meant to be inside thoughts."

"Mm," Derek hummed thoughtfully. "You'd never have to question where you stood with anyone though, there wouldn't be any lies or any pretending."

Meredith assumed that Derek was talking about his marriage and Addison's affair with Sloan. It was tripping into personal conversations that she didn't think they were quite ready to have yet. Then, because Derek couldn't let Meredith have one good brain surgery, he kept talking.

"If I had a tumor pressing on my frontal lobe, I would tell you that I love you, Meredith Grey. I know that you're seeing Karev and I sort of hate myself for this, but you should know that I love you and I don't think I'll stop loving you, even when I would really like to."

Meredith's heart sunk, she could actually feel it sinking. It had been a good day, a day where Meredith didn't get any calls from her mom's nursing home about her mom needing sedated for aggression and a day where Meredith finally got to scrub in on neuro. Meredith had great sex before work, she was scrubbing in on brain surgery, and she would probably go home to a really good home-cooked dinner because Izzie was insanely happy and decided she would cook all the meals instead of paying Meredith rent.

It had been a good day and Derek was ruining it.

"That is an inside thought," Meredith told him quietly, hoping none of the nurses could hear them. The last thing that Meredith needed was the whole hospital talking about her and Derek again - it would make Alex mad and it would hurt Addison.

"You think that if I don't say it to you that it won't be true," Derek said calmly, still stitching Benjamin's scalp together. "It is true though, I love you. Karev is your friend, he might be a great friend, but I love you and I believe that you and I belong together. You don’t have to say anything now, I just needed you to know it and to think about it.”

Meredith didn't know what to say, she wasn't sure if she should even say anything. If she replied then Derek might say he loved her again and Meredith really didn't want to hear that.

It made the last few minutes in the OR really uncomfortable.

Alex was in surgery with Addison when Meredith finished post-op with Benjamin. According to the board, Addison must have convinced their patient to terminate and treat the cancer immediately. It was sad for her, but she couldn't be a mother if she was dead.

Cristina's name was also on the board, a trauma patient with cardiac complications with Bailey and the rotating cardio surgeon. It meant that Meredith could either go home or go drink at Joe's for a little while.

And since Izzie would be at home and would probably ask her again about Meredith's opinion on flowers and dresses, Joe's was the obvious choice to hide out at.

There weren't many customers, Meredith was able to sit right at the counter and have a drink without anyone to bother her. It lasted very nearly twenty whole minutes before Callie Torres sauntered in and plopped down in the seat right beside Meredith.

"There are other seats open," Meredith said. It was bitchy, maybe an inside thought, but Meredith wasn't at work and Torres had been really crappy to Meredith for weeks.

"Yeah, I know," Torres said. "I sat here on purpose. I, uh… wondered if I could buy you a drink?"

Meredith's drink was almost empty and she doubted if Torres was coming on to her. "Sure, thanks," she said.

Torres ordered herself a screwdriver and another tequila for Meredith. They drank in a tense silence for a few minutes, Meredith was waiting to see what she wanted.

"I've been a bitch," Torres said finally. "So I'm sorry, for being a bitch. That is a ‘sorry for being a bitch' drink."

"Oh." Meredith looked down in her glass and twirled it. "It tastes like tequila," she said. It had been a joke, something to keep from having to talk about why Torres had been a bitch.

"I think the alcohol content burns away the taste of ‘bitchiness'," Torres said, grinning wryly. The tension between them melted and Meredith relaxed, relieved to have one less person to avoid at work.

"So… you and Sloan, huh?" Meredith asked, so curious how that happened.

"Ugh, yeah." Torres took a long drink and shook her head. "I'm not saying it wasn't like mind-blowing sex, my God, it was great sex, but I really don't need him telling the whole hospital about the dirty, dirty, hot sex."

"Did you guys do it at the hospital?" Meredith guessed. Sloan had only been in town for three days, he moved fast.

"No, we're staying at the same hotel," Torres said. "It was like sex of convenience?"

"That does sound hot," Meredith laughed. She finished her drink and ordered a third, adding a new drink for Torres as well. "Why are you staying in a hotel?" she asked. "Is George still at your place?"

"My place is the hotel," Torres said. "And, no, I think he went back to his parents place after I kicked him out. I was kind of staying at the hospital, but Webber caught me, so now I live in a hotel and Mark is there and we had really hot sex of convenience while he's obviously in love with Addison."

"Derek told me he loves me today," Meredith said.

"No!" Torres gasped. "What'd you say?"

"I told him nothing because he just kept saying it," Meredith sighed. "Over and over, I was trying to focus on surgery and he just kept saying he loves me."

"Do you love him?" Torres asked, a little hesitant. "I mean, no offense but everyone's heard the Meredith and Derek story."

"But that's the thing, it's not a great story," Meredith insisted. "I hooked up with a guy from a bar, he turns out to be my boss. I end things and he pursues me, then when I decide to commit, his wife shows up! You know I begged him to choose me after Addison came here to get him back? I humiliated myself and he chose her. He doesn't get to turn around now that I'm happy and tell me he loves me."

"It's not a great story, but it could be a happy ending?" Torres said. "I don't know you obviously, but if you love him too then maybe - maybe it's not a bad thing that he said he loves you."

"I am with Alex," Meredith said firmly. "I like Alex, Alex is - he's great. Together? I think that we could really be something and I know that sounds ridiculous because everything I've ever tried to build has fallen down around me, usually in ashes, but I really think that Alex and I are going to be the kind of story that doesn't start with a nightmare."

Their story could even be boring, perfectly boring. It would never be dramatic enough to inspire movies or books, it would be easy, simple. They could have their extraordinary lives and careers and their relationship could be easy.

Easy didn't have to be boring, it didn't have to be dull. Not everything had to be a battle.

"Well, cheers then," Torres said. She clinked her glass against Meredith's and they both drank. "I want someone to have a great story with," she sighed. "Sex is great, but I don't have anyone to talk to, you know? Somehow Mark Sloan is the only person I've talked to lately. I go to work, I live in a hotel, my story is boring and honestly kind of lonely."

"What hotel are you staying at?" Meredith asked. It was the tequila and the chance to get Derek's unwanted love confession off her chest, but Meredith had an idea of how to fix Torres's loneliness.

"The Archfield."

"Wow." Meredith spun her chair and blinked at Torres, kind of already a little drunk. "So you're like rich-rich?"

"I am… comfortable," Torres said, which was such a rich person thing to say. Meredith couldn't judge her much, she was comfortable too. Meredith had been the only child of a wildly successful surgeon whose patents on surgical procedures still brought in money. Even paying for her mother's nursing home and care, Meredith was comfortable.

"Well, if you get tired of staying at the nicest hotel in Seattle, I do have an extra bedroom at my place," Meredith said. "It's kind of small, but Izzie's probably moving out next week when Denny's discharged and you could have her room then."

Torres - Callie, Meredith decided that if she knew about her finances that she could call her Callie - took another drink while she considered it.

"Do I have to wear pants inside the house?" she asked.

"Alex will probably stare at your ass if you don't, but who isn't flattered by a hot guy staring at their house?"

Callie laughed and Meredith laughed too. For a resident who spent the last couple of weeks being a massive bitch, she was kind of fun.

"Alright, sure," Callie said. "Thanks, Meredith. You're not going to like sober up and forget that you said this, right? Because I could use a place to stay that doesn't have enforced quiet hours."

"Oh, I'm nowhere near drunk," Meredith promised. "Three drinks and I forget half my problems. Four and I get really horny and fun. Anything I promise after five drinks you'll have to get in writing though."

"Then I am going to get out of here before you have that fourth drink," Callie said. "I'll get your address tomorrow?"

Meredith agreed and was feeling much better already. Sure, Derek was ruining neuro for her, but everything else was great. It was better when Alex finally showed up.

"Hey." Alex kissed her and took Callie's abandoned seat. "Surgery not go so great?"

"The surgery went fine," Meredith said. "It was Derek who ruined it. Hey, do you care if Callie moves in? I kind of already told her she could."

"Who the hell is Callie?" Alex asked, raising his hand at Joe to order his usual.

"Torres," Meredith said. "I figured that Izzie's moving out soon and Callie lives in a hotel, so she could stay with us."

"Torres?" Alex raised an eyebrow and it was cute, kind of porny cute, Meredith probably shouldn't have had that fourth drink. "It's your house, Mer, if you want her to stay, then whatever. If she brings O'Malley though, I'm kicking his ass."

"Oh she won't bring George," Meredith said confidently. "She's having dirty sex with Sloan. We're having dirty sex and she's having dirty sex and we should really go home and have dirty sex because we are going to be a boring story."

"Mer…" Alex sighed and it didn't seem like Meredith was getting laid anytime soon. "Am I supposed to know what that means?" he asked. "I get the sex part, but is it dirty sex or a boring story?"

"It's both," Meredith said. "We can have very dirty sex and a very boring story. That's what I want, dirty sex, boring story."

"Sure," Alex said, even though he was still clearly confused. Joe slid him his drink and Alex raised it to Meredith with a wink. "Here's to dirty sex, Mer."

Meredith raised her drink too, "And a boring story."

"Dude, you good?" Alex eyed Meredith and didn't think she looked so hot. Like she was always hot, but she looked like she was two seconds away from hurling.

"It's Izzie," Meredith groaned, clutching her stomach and barely walking. "She won't stop cooking. I think she poisoned me."

There was no way that Izzie poisoned Meredith, probably. Alex ate the same stuff anyway, and he felt fine.

"Maybe she's got a taste for murder," Yang said. "Maybe she got a rush from almost killing Denny and now she wants to do it again. Is there a thing for a serial attempted murderer? Because that's totally what I'm betting on."

"I think I'm dying." Meredith clutched the counter and there was actual sweat on her face. Alex would have tried to think of some boyfriend shit to say, but Sloan had a patient who needed a facial reconstruction and he was walking straight toward Alex.

"Grey!"

So not toward Alex.

"Whose service are you on today?" Sloan asked.

"I'm, ugh… I'm not on a service yet," Meredith said. "I think Doctor Karev would like a chance to work on your service though, Doctor Sloan."

Sloan sighed and looked at Alex like it would ruin his whole freaking life to have Alex work on his service. "Fine. Karev, there's a patient in 3107, he blew his face off. Get the wounds dressed and if you don't screw it up, I might let you scrub in on the reconstruction."

"Thank you, Doctor Sloan," Alex said, kissing his ass some so he didn't get kicked off. "I'll get that done right away."

Sloan bitched about ‘interns' the whole time he walked away and Alex scowled at his back. Plastic surgery was a great specialty, if it wasn't for the biggest douche in the world being the head of the department.

"Doctor Grey!"

Okay, so Sloan was the second biggest douche in the world.

Freaking Shepherd had a big smile on his face while he also headed straight for Meredith. It should have been great, having a girlfriend who had an in with most of the attendings, except Sloan probably wanted to sleep with Meredith and Shepherd probably wanted to tell her how much he loved her again.

"Fifty if you hit him," Yang whispered to Alex. "Sixty if you make it look like an accident."

"Make it eighty and I'll kill him," Alex muttered, glaring hard at Shepherd. What sucked, what really freaking sucked, was that Meredith liked neuro and Shepherd was ruining it for her. It was crap that Meredith either had to ignore Shepherd's love confessions during surgery or she had to avoid being on his service and losing out on neuro hours.

"Good morning, Doctor Grey." Shepherd held out a cup of coffee for Meredith, like Alex wasn't standing right freaking there. "I thought you might like to join me for coffee. I have two surgeries today that I could use an intern for, we could look at the scans."

Yang was looking at Alex with her lips quivering from trying to hold back a laugh. It took balls, Alex could give him that. It took some serious balls to walk up and pretend like his offer had anything at all to do with work.

"I can't actually," Meredith said, pushing herself to stand up. She was still sweating and had gone like scary pale, maybe she was actually sick. "I'm on Doctor Montgomery's service today."

It was a lie, but a good one. It didn't hurt that Addison stood just down the hall, talking with Bailey, and looked over when she heard her name.

"Is someone stealing my intern?" Addison asked, looking between Alex and Meredith. Alex tilted his head a little, it was Mer who needed a service to chill on. Addison didn't have a busy day anyway, Alex checked that morning. There was one chick scheduled for a c-section, nothing else on her schedule was surgical at all.

"Ah, I see," Shepherd said, obviously disappointed and not even bothering to hide it. "Well, if you have time later, maybe we could—"

Alex wouldn't say it was ‘perfect' timing, because if life was perfect then Shepherd wouldn't have been anywhere near him, but it was damn good timing when Meredith suddenly clutched her stomach, bent over, and blew chunks.

All over Shepherd's shoes.

"Nice," Alex laughed and didn't bother hiding it. Then he realized that his girlfriend was sick as hell and maybe he shouldn't be laughing.

"Shit!" Yang was closer to Meredith and she grabbed her shoulder, kept her on her feet. "Are you pregnant?!"

Oh… fuck.

Addison looked at Shepherd, Shepherd looked at Alex, and Alex suddenly thought he might throw up too. Alex would have felt sick at the idea of Meredith being pregnant anyway, but when he started doing the math…

Meredith lifted her head and she couldn't have been more pale when she looked at him.

Pale and possibly pregnant with either Alex's or Shepherd's kid… It was enough to really make Alex hope that Izzie tried to kill her instead.

Bailey shooed Alex away from Meredith and made Yang take her to get checked out. Addison offered to pull seniority and move him to her service so he could stay with Mer, but Alex needed actual work to keep him from freaking out. Yang promised to let Alex know the second she ran a pregnancy test so Alex went to 3107 to deal with the guy who blew his face off.

It had been a freak accident, the guy was too stupid to realize that smoking with oxygen running wasn't going to end well. The wounds were bad, there was one spot where a burn hole went clear through his cheek, showing his teeth from the outside.

The guy's wife was freaking out about it too, rambling nervously about how the guy needed his face back. She said he was a car salesman and couldn't sell cars with his face all messed up, Alex figured she just didn't want to be married to the guy with the freak face.

"Doctor Sloan!" Alex found Sloan after he finished with the wound care and dressings. "3107 has his wounds dressed and pre-op labs finished. Should I get him on the board for the surgery today?"

"Yeah, squeeze him in wherever they have a space," Sloan said. "Hey, hold on." Sloan dug in his pocket and pulled out a twenty to hand Alex. "Get me a coffee too, two creams and four sugars."

Alex twisted his jaw when he took the money and forced a smile and a nod. "Will do, Doctor Sloan, thank you."

It wasn't Alex's job to get Sloan's coffee. Alex was a freaking doctor, there to learn surgery, he wasn't an errand boy. If he had to go get a few coffees for Sloan to stay on his service though, it would be worth it in the long run.

And it gave Alex a chance to check on Meredith, find out if she was pregnant or not.

God… Alex really hoped she wasn't knocked up. There wasn't any perfect time to have a kid or whatever, but in the middle of their intern year was a really bad time. Alex didn't know where Meredith stood on abortions, but if she was pregnant and it was his, he really hoped she wasn't crazy pro-life.

If she was pregnant and it was Shepherd's, Alex might as well start looking for a new place to stay. Shepherd would talk her into keeping it, putting them in each other's lives for the next eighteen years. Meredith would get all hormonal and Shepherd would swoop in with more love confessions and diamond rings that Alex couldn't afford and they'd end up married before the kid was even born.

Alex stood in the corner of the elevator with his head tipped back and eyes closed, wishing with everything inside of him that she wasn't pregnant. It didn't have to ruin their careers if she was, Bailey was a resident with a baby at home and they'd finish their intern year before it was born, but it wasn't a good time for it.

There might never be a good time for it, Alex would be a shitty dad, he knew it. Alex would scream at his kid and terrify them and probably end up abandoning him and proving everyone right that ever said Alex was just like his old man.

"Alex?"

Alex had been so wrapped up in worrying about Meredith and the possible pregnancy that he didn't even hear the elevator doors open. He missed his damn floor and wasn't alone on the elevator anymore.

Denny Duquette was standing just inside the doors of the elevator, dressed in his own clothes, but pulling an IV stand with him. He looked good, healthy, but Alex really didn't feel like having a conversation with the guy.

"Everything alright?" Duquette asked, quirking his lips up in a grin. "Cause no offense, man, but you look worse than I do."

"Everything's great," Alex said, probably more shitty than he meant to say it. "Are you supposed to be out of bed?" he asked. Alex didn't spend much time on the cardio floor lately, a lot of the cardio cases were being referred out until Burke was back.

"Yeah, they told me that I should walk as much as I can," Duquette said. He pressed the button for the first floor and Alex leaned forward to hit the six.

"Good," Alex said, not really giving a crap.

"Only two more days until I can get the heck out of here," Duquette said. "I'm going crazy, I can't wait to walk out of those doors."

Alex hummed and watched the elevator go up, getting him closer and closer to Meredith.

"Any idea how Doctor Burke is?" Duquette asked. "I feel like an ass, he got shot trying to bring me my heart."

"I think he's coming back next week," Alex said. "He's got a checkup scheduled with Shepherd today anyway."

"Good!" Duquette, for no freaking reason, decided that when the doors opened on the sixth floor that he would follow Alex. For a guy whose incision wouldn't have even healed yet, he was keeping pace just fine.

"I wanted to ask you something," Duquette said, like Alex wasn't trying to brush him off. "Any chance you could steal one of Izzie's rings for me? I know she already said she'd marry me, but I'd like to get her a real ring. I asked her what size she wore and she got all ‘I don't need a ring' on me."

"Dude, look." Alex stopped just long enough to tell Duquette to get lost. "My girlfriend might be pregnant and if she is, it could be her douchey ex's baby which will probably make him tell her how much he loves her, again. If it's not his, then odds are it's probably mine, and I'd be about the worst freaking dad in the world. So, no, I can't steal Izzie's freaking jewelry for you because I have to go figure out exactly how screwed up my life is about to get."

It was a pretty clear ‘go away', but Duquette was as stubborn as Izzie while he still followed Alex's storming pace through the hallway.

"Damn, that's a lot," Duquette said, getting a snort from Alex for the understatement. "The douchey ex is the brain surgeon, right? I never liked that guy, something about his hair always bugged me. Like if he's spending that much time on his hair, how good of a doctor could he be?"

So Duquette wasn't completely awful, great.

Addison was the only person Alex found on that floor and she flagged him down and passed over a report. "Appendicitis, not pregnancy," she said.

Alex quickly read the report, checking the hCG levels first. Not pregnant, definitely not pregnant.

"Oh thank God." Alex's legs felt weak and he almost laughed. Appendicitis was a bitch, but it was common enough that any surgeon in the hospital could do the appendectomy. It was a laparoscopic surgery too, Meredith would be back on her feet within a week.

"Bailey has her over there," Addison pointed to a room down the hallway, a room Alex had walked right past. "I think she's going to operate after lunch."

"I'll go say hi," Duquette offered. "God knows Meredith spent enough time at my bedside."

"Bailey's doing the surgery?" Alex asked when Duquette was gone. Bailey was great, but Bailey was still a resident. "You don't have any surgeries scheduled, can't you?"

"I've got a mom I'm monitoring today," Addison said. "Bailey's more than competent, Alex, she's in good hands."

"What if I monitor the mom?" Alex asked. "Then you can do the surgery and have Bailey assist."

"Don't you have surgery with Sloan?" she asked.

He did and it was going to piss Sloan off; Alex could pretty much kiss plastics goodbye. But Addison was the best surgeon Alex knew - it would be stupid to not have her operate. And it was stupid to not learn from her. Plastics would be great, it was a high paying field and had a lot less emotional patients in it, but Alex didn't mind OB and neonatal surgery, even peds was interesting to him.

"Plastics isn't really my speed," Alex said. "Yang can scrub in with Sloan if she wants. I'll go check on Mer and then monitor the mom. Can you page me if anything happens?"

"Yeah, of course," Addison said. "Keep me updated on the mom, she's refusing a c-section now and the baby was having decels earlier."

"Will do," Alex said. "Thank you."

An appendectomy wasn't the worst thing in the world, but Alex would rather ask Addison to do it than risk having it messed up. People died from dumb crap every day, any little complication could kill someone. Addison was good, real good, Alex wasn't worried about her screwing up an appy.

Meredith looked kind of small on her hospital bed, as pale as she was. Duquette had her laughing her ass off about something though, something that actually had tears pooling up in her eyes.

"Alex! Hi!" Meredith cried when she saw him. "Guess what?"

"You're high as a kite?" Alex guessed, pulling a chair up to sit with her for a minute.

"I really am," Meredith agreed, all bright and shiny and stoned. "Do you know why I'm high? Because we are not having a baby."

"Thank God," Alex laughed, still relieved. "Your appendix is trash though, Addison's taking it out."

"Ooh, good." Meredith was so freaking high. "I don't think she'll kill me. Unless she's secretly in love with you. You should scrub in with her for a surgery and she'll tell you if she's in love with you."

"She isn't," Alex said. "And she won't kill you either. Now, Sloan might kill me, because I'm totally ditching the guy and he's going to have to find me if he wants his cash back, but Addison won't kill you."

"That's good because I really don't want to die," Meredith said. "And I don't want Addison to be in love with you. Really, I don't want anyone to be in love with you. Am I a jealous person? I feel jealous thinking that people might be secretly in love with you."

"How much morphine did they give you?" Alex asked. Mer was chatty on morphine, usually it knocked most patients out.

"A lot," Meredith said seriously. Then she grabbed Alex's hand and smiled at him, a sweet and stoned smile that wasn't much like her real one. "Everything feels perfect."

"I think that's my cue to leave," Duquette chuckled. "Good luck on the surgery, Meredith. I'll come by later, maybe when you're less high."

"Bye, Denny!" Meredith cried. "I'm so glad Izzie didn't kill you! Alex," she smiled again, "aren't you glad Denny didn't die? I totally thought he was going to."

"Yeah, sure," Alex said. He grinned when they were alone and kissed Meredith's hand. "Good job puking on Shepherd, babe. I'm going to picture that every time I want to kick his ass."

"If you want, I can do it again," Meredith said. "I mean, they'd need to drop the phenergan, but I could."

Stoned Meredith was freaking hilarious.

"I'll keep it in mind," Alex said. "Hey, I gotta go check on a patient for Addison, if she takes you up before I get back, try not to die, okay?"

"If I don't die can we have no-appendix sex later?" Meredith asked brightly.

"No, Mer, we can't have no-appendix sex later," Alex laughed. He kissed her hand again and then leaned over the bed rail to kiss her once. It was supposed to be a quick ‘don't you dare die on me' kiss, it was Meredith who tried to stick her tongue down Alex's throat.

"Mer, c'mon," Alex laughed again. "You're a mess."

"You're very mean," Meredith pouted. "I'm dating a very hot and very mean person."

"Yeah, I'm the worst," Alex said. "I'll see you later, okay? I'll bring jello or something."

"Blue jello!" Meredith said. Alex paused in the doorway, chuckling once more at her doped up smile and it just got more dopey. "I like you," she said. "I really like you."

"Say it again sober," Alex winked. "I'll be back with blue jello after your surgery."

Alex hoped Yang or someone would go back in with her, keep her company. Meredith apparently liked to talk while she was high, Alex wanted someone to remember all the dumb shit she said.

The mom up in OB was being stubborn about refusing a c-section because she ‘didn't plan it'. Alex tried to talk to her, explain to her that the labor wasn't progressing and the baby was going to be in serious distress, but she wasn't listening.

Alex didn't page Addison, not when a nurse told him that she had taken Meredith in for her surgery. Alex parked himself outside the laboring mom's door and had another OB doctor on call so the second the c-section had to happen, it could.

He also tried to not monitor the mom and worry that Meredith was bleeding out, but horrible crap happened all the time. Meredith could bleed out, she could react badly to the anesthesia. There were one hundred ways she could die and Alex thought of every single one, in detail, while he waited.

"Doctor Karev?" The charge nurse hung up a phone and called for Alex. "That was Doctor Montgomery in OR two, she wanted to let you know that Doctor Grey's surgery went great and she's taking her to recovery now."

It felt like a weight off Alex's chest to hear it. An appendectomy wasn't complicated, but complications could pop up for anyone. It was stupid to think that Meredith could die from an appy, Addison was a good surgeon and Meredith was tough as hell.

And she was fine - Meredith was fine.

"Great," Alex sighed. "Hey, call Doctor Montgomery back and tell her to meet me in the OR. I'm bringing this mom down now."

If Alex hadn't been thinking about Meredith, he would have already had her in the OR for the c-section. The mom was scared, c-sections were scary, Alex should have done his job better.

The patient, Cecilia Meeks, was sweating, her blood pressure was steadily climbing up. The baby was throwing consistent decels and labor hadn't progressed at all in the last few hours. The husband was about useless, doing nothing more than sponging her forehead and feeding her ice chips.

"Cecilia, we can't wait anymore," Alex said bluntly. "I should have said this sooner, but I'm saying it now - we cannot wait. If you want your baby to live and for you to live to see her, we need to get this baby out now."

"No." Cecilia thrashed and Alex knew she had to be in pain, a miserable amount of pain that made Alex feel lucky to be a dude. "Please, I don't want a c-section," she cried. "Please."

"Look…" Alex took her hand and squeezed it tight, making her focus on him and not the pain for just one second. "I know this wasn't your plan, okay? I know it. And it's scary and you don't know what to expect, but we have to, Cecilia. I'm going to take you to the OR and we're going to get your baby out. If you trust me to get you through this, you're going to have your daughter in your arms real soon."

Cecilia looked at Alex and he saw her struggling, he saw her fighting to accept the truth of what he was saying. When she finally nodded, Alex was ready to move.

"Alright, Cecilia, let's go meet your daughter," he said.

Addison met them in the OR with a crash cart and setup for the c-section. She nodded in approval when Alex said that he had to talk Cecilia into it, but she needed it.

"Good job," Addison said. "Go scrub in and I'll let you do the incision, you've earned it, Karev."

Hell yes. Alex jumped in the air on his way to the scrub room. Getting to do the incision for the c-section was way better than probably standing to the side while Sloan did his facial reconstruction surgery.

Alex scrubbed in and repeated the steps in his head, over and over. Incision, removal, closure. It wasn't difficult, but the pressure had to be precise on the incision to keep from hurting the baby or causing permanent damage to the womb.

Addison watched over Alex while he did the incision and she kept Cecilia calm, letting her know everything that he was doing before he did it. As stressed as Cecilia had been, as worried as she was to stray from her birth plan, the c-section went off without a hitch.

"You did great," Addison told Alex when Cecilia was closed up and holding her baby girl on her chest. "Why don't I get her up to her room so you can go see Meredith? You know, she's awfully talkative and sweet when she's high."

"That'd be great," Alex said gratefully. "Thanks, Doctor Montgomery."

For a cold-hearted bitch, Addison was alright sometimes.

Meredith was still out when Alex got to her room and Bailey was sitting with her, charting while Meredith slept.

"You asked Addison Montgomery to perform this surgery instead of me," Bailey said, not even letting Alex check Meredith's vitals before she started in on him.

Alex didn't bother lying though, Bailey somehow knew everything that happened in that freaking hospital. "I'm sorry, Doctor Bailey," he said as respectfully as he could. "I - uh… I do think you're a great surgeon, I thought Doctor Montgomery had more experience."

"Mhmm." Bailey wasn't looking at Alex and it probably meant she was pissed, but Meredith was fine and Alex couldn't regret his decision too much. "You acted like a loved one today," she said. "I am an excellent surgeon and you, Alex Karev," Bailey glanced up, held Alex's for just a second, "are a good man."

Alex hadn't been expecting that at all. He expected to get bitched at, to be told that he was an ass or whatever. Alex wasn't sure what he was supposed to say - thanks, probably - but Bailey wasn't waiting for a response apparently.

"And because you're a good man…" Bailey collected her stack of papers and stood up, stretching her back when she did. "I will tell you that Doctor Sloan would like one of your body parts on a platter."

Yeah, Alex did expect that.

"And because you questioned my surgical skills when it came to your girlfriend, I put you on his service for the next week." Bailey patted Alex's shoulder on her way out of the room. "Good luck with that."

Alex was going to need a hell of a lot more than luck if Bailey stuck him with Sloan for a week after pissing the guy off and ditching his surgery. Addison was going to be bitchy about it too, she didn't like working with any other interns.

It didn't matter though, not really. Alex could take a week of being kicked around with Sloan when he was able to lay on the side of Meredith's bed and stroke her hair, grateful again that she didn't die.

"Hi," Meredith eventually whispered, groggy and croaky from the surgery. "I didn't die."

"Yeah." Alex kissed the side of her head and helped her scoot over in his side more comfortably. "Good job on that, Mer."

"I do what I can," Meredith said. "Hey, did you bring jello?"

Alex really hoped her next dose of pain-killers hit soon because he absolutely forgot the freaking jello. "Shh… go back to sleep," he whispered. "You can have jello when you wake up."

"You forgot, didn't you?"

"Cut me some slack, I was saving a life. Two lives, really.”

"That is a good excuse," Meredith sighed. "My handsome surgeon boyfriend, too busy saving lives to get me jello."

It was kind of a crappy excuse actually, but Alex had been more worried about seeing Meredith get through the surgery than he had been about freaking blue jello.

"I'm sorry," he said, stroking her hair again and hoping she would forget the whole conversation later. "I suck."

"No, you're kind of great," Meredith murmured, already sounding half asleep. "I'm happy you're here."

Alex was happy he was there too and he was really freaking happy that Meredith was still there. Alex stayed there in bed with Meredith, just holding her and stroking her hair while she fell back asleep.

And then he carefully snuck out of the bed to get to the cafeteria and buy as many cups of blue jello as they had in stock.

It was kickass living with Meredith, it really was.

Meredith was a freaky little sex-addict and Alex had no problems with doing as much as they could, as often as they could. There were other perks too, but the sex was so good Alex forgot them.

They were in the shower and Alex had Meredith against the wall, one of her legs wrapped around his waist, when Alex was abruptly reminded of their other roommates. How hard was it to knock before walking in the bathroom?

"Hey!" The shower doors were frosted, they weren't freaking blacked out. Meredith laughed and tried to hide behind where the towel hung, kind of ruining the moment they had going. "You mind?" Alex yelled.

"Oh, please." It was Izzie, because why wouldn't it be? Why wouldn't Izzie be walking right in the bathroom while Alex was trying to get laid after seven days straight of no sex?

"I've seen you both naked so many times," Izzie said. "I'm not even looking, I just need to find my conditioner. Mer, have you seen it? Pink bottle, smells amazing?"

Meredith slid the conditioner bottle in the corner where Izzie wouldn't find it. "No," she lied. "Maybe check the other bathroom? The one that doesn't have naked people in it?"

"I feel so bad for Callie," Izzie was going on, apparently not caring that she was ruining their shower. "She's going to be stuck here with you guys now. It's going to be awful for her, like a permanent third wheel having to hear you guys breaking your headboard every night. You should really try and replace me soon so that she doesn't get lonely."

Torres was not going to get ‘lonely', Alex was sure of it. And Torres wasn't a prude either, she walked around in just her panties all the time. It was at the point where even Alex was kind of immune to seeing her tits and ass.

"Wait." Meredith opened the shower door enough to poke her head out. "You're leaving? Like definitely leaving?"

"Definitely leaving," Izzie said. "Denny's doing so great and he's got his own place, without any roommates. I feel like we shouldn't have roommates, since we're getting married and all."

Alex figured that his shower was going to just be a shower and started washing while Izzie and Meredith had their big heart to heart.

"Have you found a job yet?" Meredith asked. "I think you should apply to Mercy West, they have a decent surgical program."

"Mm, I don't think I want to be a surgeon though," Izzie said thoughtfully. "I mean, Denny and I want kids and surgeons have the worst hours. It would be really hard to have a family and be a surgeon. Plus, Denny's thirty-six, I really don't want to wait seven years until I'm finished with a residency to start our family."

That was the biggest load of crap that Alex ever heard. Izzie worked her ass off for her career and she was just going to throw it away? To be a freaking housewife?

"I did see an opening at Mapleview Physicians Center," Izzie said. "I was going to apply but Denny got so weird and told me to wait and see if a better opportunity comes up. Like what's going to come up that's better than an easy nine to five with holidays and weekends off?"

"Maybe being a surgeon?" Alex said. He winced when Meredith stomped on his toes, but he wasn't wrong.

"I don't know, I think I'm going to spend the day and just look at all my options," Izzie said. "Tonight we're going to - oh! Oh, Meredith!" Izzie spun around from where she'd been searching in the mirror cabinet and smiled widely at Meredith. "You and Alex should go out with me and Denny tonight! It'll be so fun! Like a double date!"

A double date with Alex's ex and the dude she stole an organ for and almost killed; yeah, that sounded real fun.

"Oh, well, we can't," Meredith said, not sounding any more psyched with the idea than Alex was. "Because we have a thing."

"What thing?" Izzie asked. "If it's sex, then it's not that important."

"Iz, we didn't have sex all last week," Meredith reminded her. "We're dating, we're horny, it is that important."

Alex was such a lucky bastard. It had sucked not having sex for a week while Meredith's incisions healed from her appendectomy, and it was worse because Alex had a shit time on Sloan's service the last week and he couldn't even let off steam through sex. He also couldn't drink in front of Meredith because then she wanted to drink and she had way too many painkillers to be mixing them.

It was the longest week of Alex's life, but he did it. And the pent-up makeup sex almost made it worth it.

"Please?" Izzie begged Meredith. "I'm going to miss you guys so much. It's going to suck not seeing you at home or at work. I feel like we all say we're still going to be friends but then we'll slowly drift apart and I don't want to drift apart. So will you please, pretty please, go out with us tonight?"

There was no way that Meredith was going to skip out on a night of sex to—

"Fine," Meredith sighed. "We'll go. Write down the address and time before you leave."

"Yay!" Izzie squealed and snatched her stuff from the sink finally. "I can't wait! Thank you, Meredith, you're the best!"

Was she though? Was it really being the best when Meredith took their great plans and swapped them out for something that sounded awful?

"This is going to be awful," Meredith said after Izzie slammed the door shut.

"So why the hell did you tell her we'd go?" Alex asked.

"Because it's Izzie." Meredith poured some of Alex's body wash in her hands and rubbed them together before wrapping them around Alex's body to rub his back slowly. "If we didn't go then she would bug us about it until we did. I figured it was best to just get it over with."

"God, you're the worst," Alex groaned, losing his fight while Meredith rubbed her hands slowly up and down his back, pausing anywhere that must have felt tense.

"I know," she said. "I can make it up to you though."

"Oh yeah?" Alex raised an eyebrow at her. "How?"

Meredith held Alex's eyes while she slowly dropped to her knees in front of him, her hands sliding down with her and resting on the back of his calves.

It was kickass living with Meredith, it really freaking was.

Alex and Meredith checked the OR board when they first arrived at the hospital as usual. Alex was glad to see Burke's name on the board again, then he realized that Yang had gotten placed as the intern for every single procedure.

"Seriously? She's getting all the cardio cases?" Alex scoffed. "Nothing like sleeping your way to the OR."

"That's not nice," Meredith scolded him, all loyal to Yang. "Cristina and Burke are in a relationship and Cristina loves cardio. It's probably because there's not many of us left, so Burke probably thought that we wouldn't mind if she was in all his surgeries today."

Or Yang was cut-throat and screwed her attending so that she could stay on his service.

Interns weren't allowed to de-facto specialize. Even a first year resident wasn't allowed to just hang out on one service all the time. When they took their exam at the end of their intern year, they would be tested on all specialties which was why it was smart to rotate as much as they could.

Everyone had a favorite place though - Yang had cardio, Meredith had neuro. It was only the OB/peds unit that offered enough of a rounded caseload that Alex wasn't worried about his exam. As long as he studied his ass off beforehand and crammed as many translations from peds to adults as he could, he'd be fine.

"Yang's going to fail her test if she doesn't spend some time on a different service," Alex said, headed to the locker room with Meredith.

"Cristina doesn't fail things," Meredith laughed. "She was top of her class in every class she was ever in. She'll spend the rest of the year on cardio and still kick our asses in the other subjects."

Alex held open the locker door for her and winked when she passed. "Speak for yourself, babe," he said. "I plan on getting the highest score."

"You?" Yang was, like usual, already in the locker room fully dressed and waiting for them. There was a textbook open on the bench in front of her, one on cardiac complications during decannulations.

"You couldn't get the highest score on a test if you were the only person taking it," she said with her eyes moving side to side, reading while insulting Alex.

"Cristina, be nice," Meredith said. Alex paused getting changed to watch Meredith strip out of her clothes, way too comfortable changing when it was just them in the room. The second Meredith's top was off, Alex whistled at her.

"You know where else you could take off your top? At home, during sex," Alex reminded her. "All you have to do is cancel with Izzie and then we can just be naked all night."

Meredith pulled on her scrub top and threw Alex's at his face, not that it bothered him - she threw like a chick. "One, I cannot be naked all night because Callie is still here," she said. "And for two, it is one night and yes, it is going to suck, but Izzie is our friend and we will suck it up."

"You've got plans with Izzie tonight?" Yang asked. "Gross. I thought she finally moved out?"

"She's moving out today," Meredith explained. "Oh, and get this - she doesn't want to be a surgeon anymore because she wants a nice day job that gives her time to spend with all the kids her and Denny are going to have."

"Gross," Yang said again. She flipped a page and was like a freaking robot who could read and gossip at the same time. "Burke better never get all ‘let's having a family' on me. I wouldn't give this job up for anyone."

Yeah, well, Yang was a robot and Izzie was a real life rainbow. They were completely different. As long as Izzie was happy, Alex didn't really give a crap what she did for work. It was the stupidest thing he ever heard, but he stopped believing in Izzie's intellect after she stole an organ.

Meredith caught Yang up on everything that happened during her week of recovery, including Alex withholding sex while she healed. Yang did a lot of humming and reading while they left the locker room to make rounds, but she didn't say much of anything until Meredith asked about Burke.

"Burke? He's fine," Yang said, maybe a little too quickly. "He's back and as good as ever."

"Good!" Meredith replied, apparently not as suspicious as Alex was at Yang's over explanation. "So things between you two are good now?"

"Yeah, great," Yang said. She closed her book when they reached the desk to pull out the day's case reports, but she still tucked it under her arm.

There were plenty of cases to round on, nothing that really caught Alex's interest until he saw the new OB transfer patient.

Noelle Lavatte, thirty-two weeks pregnant with twins. One twin was measuring at nearly four pounds while the other twin was only two pounds. That was only a little strange on its own, it was what the sending hospital found before the transfer that got her sent to Addison…

"Two uteruses," Alex read aloud. "Dude," he looked at Meredith and Yang, "this chick has two uteruses."

"What? Let me see that!" Yang snatched the report and started reading it with Meredith peeking over her shoulder. "Ugh, no fair!" Yang whined. "I want to see two uteruses!"

"You're busy taking every cardio case," Alex said, snatching the report back. "This is my super rare case."

"Or mine." Meredith tried to take the report and Alex wouldn't let her. They got in a brief tugging match before Alex pulled hard and then held it over his head where she couldn't reach.

"No sex and you're taking the best cases?" she demanded. "What is the point of dating you?!"

"‘Cause I'm total arm candy," Alex said, raising his arm higher when Meredith tried to jump for it. "Have fun with all that boring crap, I'm off to see the two uteruses."

"This is why Cristina calls you Evil Spawn!" Meredith yelled at Alex's back when he took off with the report to get to Addison first.

"Bite me!" Alex yelled back.

Home was home and work was work. If Meredith was making Alex go to some lame ass dinner with Izzie and Denny then Alex was going to try and take all the best cases for himself at work.

Meredith would do the same thing to him.

Addison didn't have a problem adding Alex back on her service after the week of hell he spent with Sloan. It would have been fine if Sloan ever let Alex do anything more than wound dressings and observing his surgeries, but he never budged an inch.

"Mark hates teaching," Addison said, rolling her eyes after Alex finished bitching about the guy. "He would never work at a teaching hospital if he didn't have ulterior motives."

Considering the way Mark looked at Addison like a starving dog would a bone, Alex was pretty sure Addison was the ulterior motive. It would be Addison going from one douche to another though and Alex figured she could do better than Sloan or Shepherd.

"Why don't you tell the guy you're not interested so he isn't hanging around here hoping for a chance?" Alex asked.

Addison sighed and pushed her glasses up on her forehead, something Alex picked up was a sign that she had a headache. "Because he's Mark and a part of me loves him," she said. "We were together for a few months after Derek left New York and came out here. Then I realized one day that Mark was never going to be who I wanted, so I came here for Derek."

Which clearly didn't really work out either.

"Most of the time though, looking at Mark makes me think of everything that he isn't, all the things that I want that he doesn't, and it is painful in its own way. I'm hoping that time will pass and we'll all move on and eventually I can stand to look at him and Derek both. And in the meantime," Addison pulled her glasses back on her face and smirked, "we have two uteruses to deal with."

The patient had her boyfriend in the room with her, talking boxing to her stomach. The dude laughed when he noticed them watching him and introduced himself.

"Greg," he said. "And this is my beautiful future bride, Miss Noelle."

"He says that to everyone," Noelle said, smiling tiredly. "I told him he's the only person in the world who cares that we're engaged."

Alex thought that she should care about that too, but he didn't say anything.

"Well, Noelle, Greg, I have good news," Addison told them. "Your daughter is developing perfectly fine, she isn't undersized and has no genetic malformations. Because your two uteruses operate separately from each other, you got pregnant with your son six weeks before you did your daughter."

It was meant to be good news. Sure, it was weird, but it meant that there was nothing wrong with the girl, she just wasn't as far along as her brother. It wasn't the kind of news that should make the mom's heartbeat spike while the dad frowned at them.

"That's not possible," he said slowly. "Because we weren't having sex six weeks after our son was conceived. We were on a break and I - I was being an idiot."

"Oh, God." Noelle put her face in her hands and Alex realized that they just outed her kind-of affair.

"Greg, I'm so sorry," she said, muffled by her hands over her face. "It was one night, just one night. I was upset and we weren't talking and I didn't think - I didn't know."

"You didn't know our daughter wasn't mine?" Greg asked her. "For real? You never once thought to mention to me that you were sleeping around while I was freaking out about our son?"

"I wasn't sleeping around! It was just one time!"

"I can't believe you." Greg grabbed a bag that sat at the foot of the bed and shook his head at Noelle. "You lied to me, Noelle. You told me that these kids are ours."

"Look, it's not like she could have known," Alex said reasonably. "This is a one in a billion chance, she didn't know."

"She knew she was banging some other dude and never mentioned it," Greg snapped. "After everything we've been through, I can't believe this."

Alex and Addison stepped to the side when Greg stormed for the door, completely pissed. Addison apologized to Noelle for sharing the information with Greg and had Alex get her a shot of Prozac to help her calm down some.

"That was not how I planned for that to go," Addison muttered when Noelle calmed down enough to pass out in her bed. "Jesus, what a mess. Alright, Karev, you keep an eye on her for the rest of the day. If there's no signs of fetal distress between now and five then we can schedule the delivery of the boy and discharge her."

"We're going to deliver on different days?" Alex asked.

"Yeah, we're going to have to," Addison said. "If the boy pushes her body into labor, then the girl is going to be born too. There's two uteruses, but only one body system. Her body won't know not to kick them both out. If we do a c-section with the boy then we can give the girl more time to develop."

"Alright, cool," Alex said. It would be awesome to deliver just one twin, if they had to. "You mind if I have a nurse page me if anything changes? Burke has an open heart procedure in OR two soon that I wanted to watch."

Addison didn't have any issues with it once Alex promised to run back if he was paged. It would teach him a lot more to watch Burke operate than it would to sit outside Noelle's room while she slept.

Also, Alex was still thinking about how quickly Yang said Burke was good that morning. Burke was a straightforward guy, Alex couldn't imagine he'd return to work if he wasn't ready, but something about Yang's explanation smelled fishy.

Meredith was in the OR gallery when Alex made it there and she scoffed as she pointed down at Yang.

"Look at Cristina!" she said. "Burke just let her decannulate the heart, Alex. And she's taking the second assist on it!"

Alex leaned against the glass wall that oversaw the gallery and looked down at Burke and Yang as they operated together. Burke didn't just let her decannulate the heart, he was letting her do almost all of the surgery.

"I'd sleep with Burke if it meant I'd get to do a solo cardiac surgery," he complained. "What's he playing at? Letting Yang do it?"

"No idea," Meredith said, sounding like she meant it. "She must have known she was going to do it, that's the surgery she was studying for this morning."

So Yang went in the OR knowing she was going to operate.

"You think Burke's good?" Alex wondered. The nerves in Burke's arm had been damaged when he got shot, some of that shit couldn't always be healed with surgery or time.

Because if it was Alex, if Alex had something wrong with his arm or hand, then he might ask Mer to help him with shit. But Burke was a straightforward guy, he wasn't the kind of guy to hide an injury… then again, there was Yang, basically doing the surgery on her own as a first year intern.

"He was cleared to come back," Meredith said. "Why? Do you think something's wrong?"

"I hope not," Alex said.

But then again… there was Yang, basically doing the surgery on her own as a first year intern.

"What do you have today?" Alex asked Meredith, sitting down beside her to watch.

"Oh, I'm saving the world, one broken bone at a time with Callie," Meredith said airily. "Don't tell her that I'm not all happy and excited about it, she thinks I'm going to fall in love with ortho."

Ortho was boring. Sure, it was cool to break bones and set them again, and Torres sometimes had cool surgeries, but it wasn't anything like two uteruses.

"I won't tell Torres you hate her specialty if you tell Izzie we're too busy for dinner." Alex offered Meredith his hand, "Deal?"

Meredith slapped his hand away, "No deal. If we don't do it tonight, she's going to bother us about it for the rest of our lives."

"I'm starting to think it would have been easier to let the guy die," Alex complained. It was good timing when his pager started beeping, saving him from watching Yang do solo surgeries or thinking about the stupid dinner they had to go to. "Have fun with your bones." Alex kissed Meredith's cheek, it wasn't like anyone was watching. "I'm going to deliver one baby from one of two uteruses."

"I hate you, you know," Meredith said.

"You don't."

Meredith was probably one of the few people in the hospital who didn't hate Alex. She was definitely Alex's favorite person there.

Noelle was hyperventilating, in the beginning stages of a panic attack when Alex ran back to her room. It was sending her body into labor and Alex had to call for Addison after failing to calm her down.

"I can't do it alone - I can't, I can't," Noelle was gasping, ripping off the oxygen mask Alex placed on her. "I need Greg, I need to leave, I need to tell him it was one time, just one time."

"Noelle, you can't leave now," Addison said calmly while she managed to examine her even in the middle of the panic attack. "You're going into labor, we need to get your son out or your daughter is going to be born today too."

"I can't, I can't." Noelle was crying and working herself up more. "Please, not today."

"Hey, hey, Noelle, it's going to be fine." Alex tried to calm her down, at least until they could get her in an operating room and get some good drugs going for her. "Listen, it's a fight, right? So you're going to have to be strong, can you do that? For your son? Because he's coming today, Noelle, and he's going to need a strong and kickass mom."

"Greg," Noelle said. "Please, can you call him?"

"Go, Karev," Addison said. "Go try and call the father, let him know the baby is coming today. I'll meet you in the OR."

Alex tore out of there, planning on making it the world's quickest phone call. He ran past the waiting room to get to the nurses station and then skid to a halt and backtracked when someone called for him.

"Doctor Karev?" Greg was still there, sitting in the waiting room. "Is everything okay? With Noelle?"

"No, everything is not okay," Alex told him. "Noelle was so freaking upset about you walking out on her that she's stressed her body into labor. Now the baby is coming, Greg. You gotta decide if you're going to get over some one night stand while you were broken up or if you're going to be the guy who walks away from their kid. And you gotta decide now."

Alex started running off, toward the OR then, and he doubted if the guy who walked out twice was going to have the nads to stick it out that time, but he was happy to be wrong. Greg caught up with him and Alex kind of thought that they'd end up making it work when his first question was about the girl —

"How's my daughter?" he asked.

Maybe they'd make it, maybe they wouldn't. It wasn't really Alex's business, but he hoped they would.

By the time that Alex's shift ended, he had a good enough day that he barely bitched about driving downtown with Mer to meet up with Izzie and Denny. Meredith bitched more than Alex did on the drive, about how much she didn't want to sit through an awkward dinner and make conversation with them.

"Oh, I invited Cristina and Burke too," Meredith said. She shrugged when Alex scowled. "At least we can talk to them! I don't know what to say to Izzie anymore! She's all happy and quitting surgery and I don't know how to talk to her!"

"Is this the kind of crap I'm going to have to do all the time?" Alex asked, pulling on his shirt collar. All Alex wore were scrubs, the shirt collar on his neck was literally rubbing him wrong. "Put up with lame dinners with your friends?"

Meredith parked the car and pulled on Alex's shirt collar herself, pulling him to her to kiss. Alex knew she was trying to distract him, but it worked so he wasn't bitching.

"You also get to go home with me and have really good sex," Meredith reminded him. God, she was sexy. "So think about that while we eat quickly, congratulate Izzie and Denny on their engagement, and then skip dessert to go home."

"Thirty minutes," Alex warned her. That was the most Alex could deal with it all.

"It's a sit down restaurant, I don't think we can get out in less than fourty-five."

Alex and Meredith shook on it, which was lame, but kind of awesome in a lame way.

It took Alex all of half a second inside the restaurant to realize that they were underdressed. It was a really freaking nice place, the kind of place where Alex wasn't going to get a burger and probably couldn't afford anything more than a beer.

If they even had beer.

"Mer, let's just go," Alex whispered quickly. He didn't want to be an ass, but he knew without even getting past the lobby that he wasn't going to afford it. Meredith had more money than Alex, but he wasn't going to let his girlfriend buy him dinner on a date.

"Yeah…" Meredith looked around at the fancy drapes and the waiters in suits and her nose crinkled. "We'll tell Izzie there was an—"

"Meredith! Thank God!" Yang came out of a hallway where Alex assumed the bathrooms were and latched immediately on Meredith's arm. Yang wasn't underdressed, she had on a freaking dress.

Alex was wearing jeans.

"Burke and Denny are like bonding and I have no idea what to say to Izzie," Yang hissed, pulling Meredith in the dining room with her and waving off the host that gave them a dirty look. Meredith looked over her shoulder at Alex helplessly and Alex sighed.

If he didn't eat for the rest of the week, he could probably buy them both a salad and water. Or he could claim he had a tapeworm and not eat at all because Meredith wasn't a salad kind of chick.

Yang led them through the richest looking dining room Alex had ever seen before, directly to a table in the back corner, bitching about Izzie the whole time. It was such a chick thing to do, talk shit about someone and then smile the second they saw them.

It was definitely easier for Alex to nod at Burke and Denny, ignoring Burke's curious glance at Alex's jeans.

"You made it!" Izzie beamed. "I totally thought you guys were going to fake an emergency and leave."

"We were," Alex said honestly, trying to make it sound like a joke. "But then Yang found us."

"Please, sit." Burke waved at the two open chairs and Alex pulled Meredith's out for her before he sat down.

"You know, I just realized… I might be the stupidest person at this table," Denny said with a crooked smile when nobody else said anything. "Is this why you all only hang around other doctors?"

"You are not stupid," Izzie says immediately. When she reached for Denny's hand on the table Alex saw the ring sitting on her left hand - a freaking boulder of a ring. He nudged Meredith's foot under the table and nodded subtly to it while he took a drink of the wine glass of water at his place.

"Jesus!" Meredith's eyes were bulging when she saw the ring. "I mean - congratulations!"

"Thanks," Denny said, smiling almost as hard as Izzie was grimacing when she hid her left hand. "Iz hates the ring."

"It's lovely," Burke said politely. "An antique?"

"Something like that," Denny chuckled. The dude was loaded then, like the disgusting kind of loaded where he was humble about being loaded.

"I so do not hate it," Izzie told them. "I just didn't want Denny to spend a bunch of money on a ring."

Alex was pretty sure that Izzie could sell that ring and buy a freaking island that would let her do as many surgeries as she wanted. It wasn't like Alex was trashy enough to say it though, and it didn't matter because the waiter showed up then to take their orders.

Meredith was the one to kick Alex then while they quickly tried to look over the menu. There weren't any prices on anything and half the shit was in a different language.

"You like steak?" Denny asked them after everyone else ordered. "There's a blue cheese steak that kind of makes heart transplant surgery worth it."

"Sure," Meredith said, sounding almost as psyched about it as Alex was.

They were going to have to dine and dash. That was it. Alex was going to have to find an excuse to keep Meredith at the table after the others left and then they were going to have to make a break for it.

Alex let Meredith order for both of them so he didn't embarrass himself trying to pronounce shit. There was plenty of time to embarrass himself later.

"So, Izzie," Burke smiled at Izzie, "do you have any plans now?"

"Um… not yet," Izzie said, dancing around the elephant in the room. "I'm thinking of applying for a family practice, but there's also this really great women's clinic that I would love to work for."

"What? Just do abortions and mammograms all day?" Yang asked. "I think I'd kill myself."

"Cristina!" Meredith must have kicked Yang then because she winced. "I think a women's clinic sounds great, Iz. Addison said you showed a lot of promise in OB."

"I dunno," Denny said. "I was thinking you'd do better at something like that free clinic you were talking about, Izzie."

"But there's nothing like that around here," Izzie said. "I know we haven't really talked about moving or anything, so for now I want to find something local."

"Or…" Denny leaned over and fished for something in his pocket. It was a folded paper and Alex tried to lean up to read it while Izzie slowly unfolded it. "You open that clinic."

Yang, who sat by Izzie, was able to actually read the paper and her jaw dropped at whatever it said. "You bought her a clinic?!" she yelped. "Damn it, I want a clinic!"

"Denny…" Izzie looked like she was going to start bawling and Alex was suddenly very sure that they were not going to get out of there in fourty-five minutes. "Tell me this is a joke," she said, all choked up.

"I don't want you to give up anything for me," Denny told her. "You want to save the world, Isobel Stevens, and I want to help you do it."

Izzie burst out in really noisy tears and the second she kissed Denny, Alex grabbed the paper to read for himself.

It was a contract, between Denny and Isobel Duquette and Seattle Grace Hospital. Part of it was redacted, probably the exact cost of it, but it had a date for ground to be broken for the Seattle Grace Free Clinic.

And it was Izzie's. Denny bought her a freaking clinic and made her the Director of Operations for it.

"Wow," Meredith said, and that pretty much summed it up. "I mean this is really - wow."

Trust Izzie to get fired and end up with a job that was going to pay triple of what they made as interns.

"Congratulations," Burke said, raising his glass after they passed him the contract to see as well. "A free clinic will be a wonderful addition to the hospital."

"You could fill it with diseased hearts," Yang sighed. "Every bed, a diseased heart needing— ow! Quit kicking me!"

It wasn't Meredith that time, it wasn't Alex either. Which meant it was Burke because Izzie and Denny were completely wrapped up in each other.

"So, Alex!" Burke seemed as uncomfortable as Alex was. "You've been on Doctor Montgomery's service quite a bit, is neonatal surgery something you have a strong interest in?"

"I mean, yeah, maybe," Alex said, jumping on a familiar topic. "I'm not doing solo surgeries like Yang, but I don't mind it."

"I am not doing solo surgeries," Yang said immediately, real quick too. "Why would you say that?"

"Because… you kind of were?" Alex said. It wasn't like Yang to be humble, she should be bragging about it.

"Cristina shows a lot of promise in the OR," Burke said. "I suppose I do occasionally let her take the reigns, see where her strengths and weaknesses are."

"Didn't you have a patient with two uteruses today?" Yang asked Alex. "What happened with her?"

Alex was pretty sure Yang was actually trying to get away from talking about the solo surgery she got to perform. Meredith was just as confused as Alex was, but nobody pointed out how unlike herself that Yang was being.

Dinner wasn't bad when it finally arrived, it probably wasn't worth what it cost though. Denny was a pretty laid back dude, for someone with as much money as he clearly had, and he kept the conversation flowing through most of the meal. He brought up fishing at one point and Burke was apparently a guy who liked to fish.

"That reminds me! I was invited on a camping trip this weekend," Burke said. "Alex, Denny? Would either of you care to go? I was promised a weekend of fishing, hiking, and peace."

Alex had no idea how to fish or hike or even camp. Alex grew up in a city, in foster homes and juvie and a city. It wasn't that it didn't sound kind of cool, hanging out with a bunch of guys and probably drinking beer and getting away for a day or two, but Alex wouldn't have had the first clue what to do.

"I mean… Denny still has his incision," Izzie said. "What if something happened?"

It was quick, just a brief thing, but Alex swore that when Burke went to cut off a piece of his own steak, his hand shook. Not in a nervous way, in an… involuntary way.

Alex looked to Meredith, to see if she saw it, but she was busy scraping the sauce off her food. Yang's eyes narrowed when Alex glanced at her, but that had definitely been a tremor.

A tremor in a surgeon's hand was about the worst thing to happen.

"Then I'd have the Preston Burke there," Denny was saying while Alex tried to stare subtly at Burke's hand, to watch for it again. "It sounds great, Burke, count me in."

"Great! Alex? What do you say?" Burke asked, his hands steady again. It could have been a fluke, or it could be why Yang performed a surgery on her own.

Alex shrugged, figured that Burke didn't seem like such an outdoorsy guy either, someone could help him figure out what he was doing. "Alright, sure, thanks."

"You're going camping?" Meredith asked him, fighting off a laugh. "You, Alex Karev?"

"Me, Alex Karev," Alex said. "C'mon, how hard can it be?"

"You've never been camping before?" Denny asked. "Aw, man, you'll love it. Tell ya what, you bring the beer and I'll bring you a tent and fishing pole. I've got tons of that crap at home."

See? It was sounding better and better.

Things weren't so bad then, Burke and Denny talked about fishing and Izzie and Yang talked about the new clinic and how it would be staffed. Alex didn't say much, he kind of just started running his free hand up Meredith's leg under the table, reminding her that they were absolutely skipping dessert to get home.

Burke's hand never shook again and Alex almost convinced himself that he had imagined it. Burke wasn't the guy to lie about a tremor or put every patient he saw at risk, Alex could have imagined it.

Alex might have even said that the whole night wasn't as crappy as he thought, until the waiter brought them the check.

"Here, it's on me." Denny handed over a card so quickly that Alex didn't even have a chance to sweat the total at the bottom of the checkbook. It was a big number, a really freaking big number. Like… two of Alex's paychecks, big number.

"No, Denny, let me," Burke said, pulling out his own card. "Please, I insist."

"No, no, doc, this is on me," Denny insisted. "You all saved my life, the least I can do is buy you dinner."

Alex was the only guy at the table who wasn't whipping out a card and trying to pay. It made him feel about ten inches tall and sort of really freaking pathetic. Izzie had her rich fiancé, Yang had her rich heart surgeon boyfriend, Meredith was the only one dating a guy who could barely afford rent and groceries most of the time.

Denny paid for everyone and Alex was more than ready to get out of there. Burke offered to pick Alex up on Saturday morning and they were finally able to leave after Izzie hugged all of them.

"So that was… certainly something," Meredith said while they walked to her car. "Alex?"

"Yeah, it was something," Alex said.

"What do you think about the clinic? I bet Bailey's going to be pissed that Denny bought Izzie a way back in the hospital."

"Probably, yeah."

"Hey." Meredith blocked the car door from Alex and frowned up at him. "What's your deal? Everything okay?"

"No, everything is not okay," Alex snapped, taking out his frustration on the wrong person which only pissed him off more. "If you were with freaking Shepherd then he could have bought you dinner and not sat like a dumbass while Denny and Burke argued over the check. I'm not a fancy dinner guy, Mer. I'm an intern, I'm barely making ends meet. I can't afford shit like this."

"Woah, what?" Meredith started to laugh until she must have seen that was only making Alex feel crappier about it. "Alex, do I seem like a fancy dinner person? I wore sneakers, for God's sake. And I thought the food was actually kind of awful, I would have rather had burgers and fries at Joe's. I will never let Izzie pick a restaurant again."

"Yeah, well, this was crap," Alex said. "I'm never going to be able to buy you a clinic or a ring the size of my freaking head. I don't even know what you're doing here, Meredith. You could do so much better than some guy who can't camp and doesn't have more than fifty bucks to his name."

"I don't want a ring the size of my head and I'd be bored to death in a free clinic," Meredith said. "I don't camp either, Alex. I've never even seen a tent outside of movies. Don't overthink this, I'm very happy with you."

Alex relaxed some when Meredith leaned up and kissed him, soft and slow. She wrapped a hand around the back of Alex's head and he grabbed her waist, pulled her closer.

"Here." Meredith slipped her car keys in Alex's pocket. "You drive," she said.

"I don't need to drive just because I was bitching," Alex said, trying to return the keys. "It's your car, you drive."

"Alex, I'm not asking you to drive because you were bitching," Meredith said. When she leaned up and whispered in Alex's ear, he felt a chill of goosebumps - the real good kind of goosebumps - go down his back.

"Yeah, I'll drive," Alex said, thanking his lucky freaking stars that Meredith wanted to be with him, for whatever reason it was.

"I thought so," Meredith said smugly. Alex wasn't a complete ass, he opened the door for her, then he rushed around to the driver's side of the car as quickly as he could. Meredith laughed when Alex slid across the hood, which made Alex feel even better. 

Alex couldn't buy Meredith a giant freaking diamond or a brand new clinic just for her to run. Alex couldn't afford fancy dinners and he didn't know how to build a tent or fish. 

It didn't mean he was completely useless though.

"Jesus." Yang poked Alex's head and he grimaced, it was still sore as hell. "Shepherd beat your ass, Evil Spawn."

"Derek did not beat his ass," Meredith said loyally. "Alex was winning the fight until Derek slammed his head in a rock. He could have killed him!"

Alex really didn't need Meredith to defend him, Alex was a grown man. Shepherd got lucky that they were fighting on a bed of rocks and shit, Alex had been holding his own just fine until he got cracked in the head.

"Burke said Shepherd has a black eye," Yang said. "I think I'm going to smile every time I see it, show my support for Team Evil Spawn."

Alex was kind of pissed about the whole thing, about the whole hospital already knowing that he and Shepherd got into it. Alex didn't want his relationship details broadcast to the entire staff, he didn't want people ‘choosing sides'.

All Alex wanted was for Shepherd to quit telling his girlfriend he loved her and to leave them the hell alone. Ideally, Alex would like Shepherd to go back to New York. If none of that was going to happen, Alex wanted everyone to not know about their fight.

"Everyone!" Bailey let herself in the locker room as usual, not even glancing one at Alex's head while she read off her list of the day's assignments. "Yang, you're with Doctor Burke."

"It's starting to seem like Burke won't operate without Yang," Alex couldn't help but say. Burke had a tremor - Alex saw it. He got distracted with the freaking head injury, but Burke's hand had a tremor and Yang was covering for him.

Yang sent a sharp look at Alex, Meredith and Bailey didn't even pick up on what Alex was saying. Yang knew though, and Yang knew that Alex knew. For the moment, that was enough.

"Grey, you are with Doctor Montgomery," Bailey said.

"Me? Why?" Meredith asked, as confused as Alex. They weren't allowed to defacto specialize, but… Addison always asked for Alex. Addison preferred to work with Alex, Alex was getting used to always working with her. They worked together in OB and neonates. It didn't make any sense to shuffle them.

"Because I make the line up, that's why," Bailey snapped. "You two, go. Karev, stay."

Meredith looked at Alex and he crossed his arms and shook his head. If Bailey was about to jump his ass for the fight, she could take it up with Chief Webber. Bailey stared Alex down until they were alone and then she sighed and the hard lines of her body relaxed.

"I need you to be the bigger man today, Karev," she said, surprisingly not bitchy. "I need you to remember that you have a big career ahead of you, a partner who you can lean on in the hard times. I need you to be the bigger man."

"Look, if you're about to put me on Shepherd's service, I'd really rather you didn't," Alex said. "I'm not going to deck him in the hospital, but it's going to be real tempting every time I get a headache."

Bailey looked at Alex's head then, at the stitches that were going to leave a scar. Webber did fine, Alex didn't die, but he would have preferred if Sloan did the stitches so there wasn't a scar.

"I am not putting you with Shepherd, I am putting you with Chief Webber," Bailey said. That wasn't so bad, Alex wouldn't mind spending the day on the Chief's service, clock some general hours.

Except Bailey said that she needed Alex to be the bigger man, so there was no way that it was that easy.

"What's the Chief got?" Alex asked suspiciously.

Bailey bristled, like she did when any of them dared to question her, but if Alex was supposed to be spending the day ‘being the bigger man', he wanted to know why.

"The chief has a patient who came in after a fall with traumatic chest pain and stomach pains," Bailey said. "The overnight general fellow did an endoscopy and, in addition to a broken clavicle, the patient has stage four esophageal cancer and it has spread to his stomach."

"Alright…" Alex said. "What's the catch?"

"The patient is Harold O'Malley." Bailey held out a case folder to Alex. "George O'Malley's father is the patient. I thought, because you are the bigger man, that I could trust you to be the intern on this case. Burke asked for Yang, Stevens is gone. It's you or Grey, Karev. It's your call; can you be the bigger man or not?"

Did Alex want to spend the day with O'Malley's family? Hell no. Shepherd might be the better option. But Bailey knew Alex was going to take the case and keep his mouth shut, as little as Alex wanted to spend time around O'Malley, he wanted Meredith to have to do it even less.

"Fine." Alex snatched the folder and hated his damn life. "I'll be the bigger man."

Not because Alex wanted to, only to keep Meredith from having to do it.

 

Webber met Alex on the sixth floor in the oncology wing. Alex didn't even get a chance to present the case to him before Webber turned Alex's head by his chin and eyed the stitches.

"Are you still having headaches?" Webber asked.

"Yeah, sometimes," Alex said.

"Good, it'll remind you to not start fist fights." Webber clapped Alex's shoulder and nodded to a patient room. "I don't need to tell you that there can't be any mistakes here, Karev. This one needs to have all the I's dotted and the T's crossed. We get him worked up, we set up a treatment plan, we get them out. There's no room for fights today, got it?"

Alex wasn't a baby who needed babysat. It was different in the woods, Alex wasn't an intern trying to make something of himself out there. Alex wasn't so stupid to just go around beating the hell out of anyone he wanted, he didn't want to be the next intern fired.

"Got it," Alex said shortly. "Can we get this over with?"

Webber took the lead to the patient room and Alex shut himself down, shut down any thoughts of kicking O'Malley's ass.

O'Malley's dad, Harold O'Malley, had been an alright guy when Alex first met him on Thanksgiving. He was a loud guy, a blue-collar worker. Harold looked thinner on the bed, pale with loose skin pooled under his chin from the rapid weight loss that could hit with extreme cases of cancer.

"Alex!" Harold scooted back on his bed, not even wincing when he jostled his own arm they had in a sling to keep his clavicle stabilized. Alex's face spasmed when he tried to return Harold's smile, but why was the guy so cheerful? He was in the hospital that fired his kid and with a gut full of cancer.

Harold's wife sat by his bedside, a pair of knitting needles clicking away even when she also smiled at Alex.

"It's so good to see you, dear," she said warmly. "We've been thinking about you all for the last few weeks."

Okaaaay… Alex didn't expect such a warm reception from O'Malley's parents. It wasn't like Alex fired the guy himself, but they were even being all warm and fuzzy toward Webber too.

"Where's - uh, where's your boys at?" Webber asked. "Are they around?"

"Oh, Georgie went to get us some food and check in at work," O'Malley's mom said. "Ronnie and Jerry are probably still asleep, they've never been morning people."

"Right, okay," Webber said. "Harold, Louise, we have the results back from your endoscopy. Did you want to go over them now or wait for your son?"

"You're - you're the Chief of Surgery, right?" Louise asked. She finally put the knitting down and took Harold's hand. "They - you guys don't send the Chief of Surgery for a stomachache, do you?"

"No, Louise, we don't," Webber said solemnly. Alex shifted uncomfortably when Louise sniffled and Harold breathed out slowly. It wasn't good news, it didn't have to be a death sentence though.

"Then we better wait for Georgie," Harold said, patting his wife's hand while he consoled her. "You know, he's - he's our smart one, real smart."

"He'll want to know what's going on," Louise sniffed. "We should wait, he'll - he'll be back soon."

"That's fine," Webber said. "So… you said George had to check in at work? Where's he working at now?"

"Oh, you don't know?" Louise's face pinched some. "It's a family care clinic in Kent. I thought George said that you recommended him?"

"We were shocked when he came home and said that he didn't want to be a surgeon anymore, but our boy is still a doctor," Harold said with a gruff smile. "And it's nice having him back home, maybe it was a good thing with this fall and all."

Alex looked down at the floor so his face didn't give anything away. That was what O'Malley told his parents? That he'd rather be a clinic doctor than a surgeon?

Pathetic.

"That's - that's real nice," Webber said, hiding his surprise much better than Alex did. "You must be proud."

Yeah, of the son who got fired for sexual assault on a peer. If he was Alex's kid, he'd be living in a damn gutter.

Webber made some small talk with the O'Malleys for a few minutes, talking about their two other boys and their jobs. One of them delivered the mail, the other one drove a semi. Louise told Alex how much she missed hearing about all of them and Alex was saved from saying that Izzie was also fired by O'Malley himself joining them.

"Sorry, they had a - oh. Chief." O'Malley stood in the doorway and Alex sneered at him where his parents couldn't see. It was clear from the way O'Malley looked between Webber and his parents that he was afraid that Webber knocked down his web of bullshit.

"George, we were waiting for you to discuss your dad's care," Webber said, polite, but not as chummy as he used to be with O'Malley. "Why don't you have a seat and I'll go over the results?"

O'Malley danced in the room, keeping out of punching range of Alex. Freaking coward, honestly.

"So, Harold." Webber focused on the dad, the patient, so Alex did too. "As you know, we did the endoscopy to check out that persistent stomach pain you've been having. Unfortunately, we found cancer in your stomach."

"Cancer?" Louise asked, holding on to Harold tightly. "Is it - is it bad?"

"The testing showed that the cancer is esophageal cancer," Webber said. "It spread to your stomach, Howard."

"That - that makes it really bad," O'Malley said. "Stage three or four?"

"It is stage four."

"That's…" Louise choked on a sob and Alex wasn't a monster, he grabbed her a box of tissues off the counter and held them out to her, getting a watery smile in return.

"That's bad, right?" Louise asked O'Malley. "Is… I mean, will your dad…?"

"We do plan to operate," Webber said. "If you're interested, we can remove the tumor, do treatments. It could buy you time, years even, if it's successful."

"And if we choose not to operate?" O'Malley asked, staring at Webber with his big ‘kicked puppy' face.

"Then you're looking at months," Webber told them. "You should know, that if we do operate on the tumor, we'll have to do a cardiac surgery first. Harold, you have a weak valve in your heart that needs replaced. If we don't replace that, your heart won't make it through the tumor removal."

"Doctor Burke is the best cardio surgeon in the country," O'Malley told his dad. "Burke - Burke's amazing, that surgery is a no brainer."

O'Malley's dad… needed heart surgery…

Alex listened to the family go back and forth with Webber on what to expect, how treatments will work, while he thought about Burke and Burke's hand. There was a tremor there, Alex knew he saw a tremor. Burke has Yang doing his procedures to cover for him, Alex was really freaking sure of it.

And Alex was really sure that Webber said they couldn't have mistakes on the O'Malley case, not after the assault and the suspension.

The O'Malleys decided to go ahead with the surgeries and Webber promised that he would have Harold first on the board in the morning for cardio. Alex followed Webber out of the room and hesitated, tried to think of how to phrase his question in a way that wasn't suspicious as hell.

"Chief?" Alex nudged Webber away from the nurses desk, off to the side of the hallway where they had a little bit of privacy. "When you said we need to dot all our I's and cross our T's, it's because O'Malley was fired, right?"

"I'm going to shoot straight with you, Karev." Webber put a hand on Alex's shoulder and turned him some so he could lower his voice. "O'Malley's termination was by the books, no question about that. The board voted unanimously to terminate his internship contract. But, after he was terminated, I made some calls, to other surgical programs, and I - uh - might have made it pretty hard for him to get another spot anywhere else, if you catch my drift."

Good, good on Webber. Alex didn't have a real strong opinion on their chief before then - Webber was alright, seemed smart, talented. Knowing that he was the one who personally screwed O'Malley out of being a surgeon because O'Malley hurt Meredith? Yeah, Alex was liking the guy more and more.

It didn't answer Alex's question though. "Right, so if something happened on this case… O'Malley could…?"

"The family could sue, the prior termination would be made public record, and I'd rather not have my career or Doctor Grey's reputation on the five o'clock news." Webber frowned then, he crossed his arms too. "Karev? Is there something in this care plan that's worrying you? Have I missed something here?"

"No, sir," Alex lied. "I gotta go, I'll be back to do the work up."

"Alright then." Webber patted Alex's shoulder again, adding guilt to the pit in Alex's stomach about it all. "You did good in there, Karev. I knew I could count on you."

God damnit.

Alex stood in the same place Webber left him for a few minutes, weighing it all out. Burke might be fine, Yang was a freaking surgical robot. They could operate on O'Malley's dad and not have a single problem. Or they could kill him because Yang was an intern, she could memorize every book in the library and not know the hand motions for the procedures.

Yang was also Meredith's best friend, her best friend. If Alex tanked Burke's career, Yang was going to be pissed and it was going to piss Meredith off.

And if Alex didn't… if anything went wrong and O'Malley sued… then it was going to be Meredith's reputation and name plastered in the news when he sued the hospital.

Alex paced the hospital twice, he walked up and down every damn hallway, trying to decide the best decision to make. The decision that hurt Meredith the least was the best, screw Yang and Burke.

Would she rather lose a friend or her reputation? It was crap that Yang didn't turn Burke in herself, though Alex wasn't surprised. Yang was the most cut-throat of them all, if she could use Burke's tremor to push her own education, then she would.

"Karev?"

Alex had been pacing on the OB floor for so long that he didn't even notice when someone said his name. They had to say it again before Alex looked up and saw Addison carrying a bundle of folded sheets out of a patient room.

"Are you looking for Meredith?" Addison asked. "It's, uh… it's not a good time, Karev. We had a mom lose her baby, twenty-eight weeks along. Meredith's in there helping them now."

"Burke has a tremor, in his hand," Alex blurted. It was thoughtless to say it, but if there was anyone he could tell - anyone who he could shove that knowledge off on, it was Addison. As soon as he said it, the weight Alex had been trying to walk off started to lighten.

"I'm sorry?" Addison asked, whipping her head around and making sure they couldn't be heard. "Alex, what do you mean that Burke has a tremor?"

"I saw it, okay?" Alex said. "He's been having Yang scrub in on all his surgeries since he came back, she's been taking the lead. When we went camping, I saw a tremor in his hand and I think I saw it once before. Now, O'Malley's dad is in the hospital and he needs heart surgery. What do I do?"

"You tell the chief," Addison said. "You tell the chief, right now," she insisted. "I don't care whose dad is in the hospital, Alex, and neither should you. If Burke's care is compromised, you have a duty to report him to the chief."

"Yang is Meredith's best friend," Alex said quietly. "If I turn in the scam they're running, it - Addison, it could be the end of us, of me and Meredith."

Alex's career was important and he wasn't a heartless bastard - he didn't want patient care to be compromised. There were kids every day who needed heart surgeries, there were babies and sweet old ladies who gave Alex homemade cookies when he helped take care of their husbands. Alex didn't want any of them to get a surgeon who couldn't operate, but…

God damn, Alex didn't want to lose the good thing he had going with Meredith either.

"Okay, okay." Addison took a deep breath and settled herself. "I get the problem, I do. But if you're sure, if you're really sure, you need to tell Webber."

Alex wasn't a freaking baby, Alex wasn't an idiot. Alex didn't need his hand held and he didn't need to care about what Addison or Webber or Burke thought about him.

"I need to talk to Mer, then - if you're not busy or whatever - would you…?" Alex shrugged and kind of hated himself for even asking. It was Addison though, Addison who made a game out of kicking Alex's ass up and down the halls and dragging him kicking and screaming until he was a better doctor.

If Alex had to go turn an attending in to the Chief of Surgery for a pretty damn serious case of malpractice, it wouldn't hurt to have Addison with him.

"Yes, I'll go with you," Addison said. "In fact, I'll trade out Meredith now so the two of you can talk and then we'll go."

Alex nodded and wondered again how Shepherd could give up and miss his shot with really patching shit up with Addison. If Alex was Shepherd and he couldn't have Meredith, he'd make it work with Addison because Addison was kind of a badass.

Meredith only took a minute to swap out with Addison and Alex could see it was a bad day in OB once he saw her. There was blood on her scrubs and the kind of bags under her eyes that happened when they did everything they could and it wasn't enough.

"I hope you're having a better day than I am," Meredith said. "I don't know how you do this every day, it's awful."

It could be, when it went wrong. When it didn't, when Alex got to help parents keep their kids? It made the bad cases worth it.

None of that was the point though.

"Nah, my day's basically crap," Alex admitted. "Hey, come here for a second, will ya?" Alex reached for Meredith and she let him take her hand and pull her down the hall and into a supply closet.

"I'm really not up for dirty supply closet sex," Meredith said. "I mean, you could probably talk me into it though…" She started to kiss Alex's neck and he let her for a second, because it might be the last good moment between them, then he had to stop her.

"I - uh, I gotta do something I'm not really psyched about," Alex told her, freezing Meredith in place with her lips on his neck. "And, no matter what, I have to do it. But… but it would be easier to do if I knew you weren't going to hate me for it."

"What's going on?" Meredith pulled away so she could squint at him and Alex loved her eyes, he did. They were always so blue when they were inside, a deep blue. When Meredith was outside and the sun was shining though, they turned green.

"Alex?" she asked again when he didn't say anything. "What's going on?"

"It's Burke," Alex told her, holding her waist tightly so she didn't leave him immediately. "I think his hand has a tremor from the shooting. It's been shaking a few times and—"

"And that's why Cristina is performing his surgeries!" Meredith cried in a whisper. "Oh my God, it all makes sense! She's been such a bitch lately, always too busy studying for her surgeries to talk or hang out! She's - oh, God… Alex. Cristina is performing Burke's surgeries."

"Yeah and I gotta tell the Chief," Alex said. "It's - I'm not trying to get Yang or Burke in trouble, this isn't personal, alright? I just - they could kill someone."

"What if I talk to Cristina," Meredith offered quickly. "I'll tell her that she needs to get Burke to come clean or else it's going to be reported. If Burke comes clean, then - then the Chief won't be as mad. Burke can say it's a new tremor."

"Burke's had plenty of time to come clean," Alex said. "Mer, Yang has been doing his surgeries since he came back. I saw his hand shake, I saw it. Why do you think I had Webber stitch my damn head? Burke could have done a better job, but he has a freaking tremor."

"Alex! Why didn't you tell me?" Meredith asked. "This is Cristina's career too!"

"Why didn't Yang tell you?" Alex asked, flipping it when he didn't have a good answer. "She's your best friend, why didn't she tell you?"

"Well, well… she's probably worried about Burke," Meredith said reasonably. "Cristina loves him, they're together. If she told me then it could compromise Burke's career."

"Burke is compromising her career!" Alex snapped. "Every surgery they've done since he came back is a potential for a lawsuit, Mer! Burke screwed Yang as badly as he screwed himself, worse because she's an intern and he'll probably get a slap on the wrist! Do you think I'd do that? That I'd ask you to help me hide a tremor? You don't do shit like that to the people you love!"

Meredith pulled away from Alex and he figured they were done, it was done. Meredith was going to choose Yang, refuse to see Alex if he turned her in for the scam she was running with Burke.

It shouldn't have hurt, but damn if it didn't.

"Whatever," Alex said, not showing that it was crap, it was crap that Alex was going to do the right thing and it was going to hurt him anyway.

"Alex, I…"

"No, I get it," Alex snapped. "Yang teams up with Burke and they put a bunch of patients at risk, but she's still your best friend, right? Well, good for you. Because you're mine, Mer. You're my best friend. So if you want to be done, that's just awesome. I try and be better and do better and be someone that deserves you and I decide to do the right thing and I lose my best friend over it? That's awesome, really. So, thanks."

It was easier when Alex didn't give a crap about anyone. Alex should have stuck to his plan - work the program, get a career. That was it. Then he had to go and fall in love and it screwed everything up for him.

They were supposed to be great together, that was what she said. Alex wanted to be great and he wanted her to be great; they were supposed to be great together.

So why did Alex storm out of that closet alone and have to go talk to Webber with just Addison?

It didn't take long for Alex to tell the Chief what he had seen, what he suspected. Addison backed him with the shit everyone knew, about Yang scheduling all of Burke's surgeries and him letting her take the reins in each one.

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" Webber asked Alex. "I was in those woods with you, Karev."

"Richard, Burke's the attending, Alex is the intern," Addison said. "And he's telling you now, it's more than Burke has done."

Webber deflated and he nodded shortly, "You're right. I'm sorry, Karev. You did good, son, you did. Addison, can you go get Burke? I'll get Yang."

"Uh, Chief?" Alex didn't want to add anymore fuel to the fire. "They're in OR 1 right now with a patient."

Webber looked like he liked his job about as much as Alex did in that moment.

When Webber and Addison left to go wait for Burke and Yang to finish, Meredith was lingering in the hallway outside the Chief's office. Alex stormed past her, planning on going and finding something he could kick the shit out of for a while.

"Alex! Stop!" Meredith grabbed Alex's arm and yanked hard, she was stronger than she looked. "You don't get to do that," she said, glaring right back when Alex scowled at her. "You don't get to say things and then just leave. That's not how this works."

"What? You want me to stand there and listen to you say it's over?" Alex demanded. "Fine. Say it. Go ahead, say it."

"You want me to say what I want to say? Fine!" Meredith yanked on Alex's arm hard and glared right in his face. "In that closet you said you love me. I heard you say it. That's what you said, Alex Karev. And then, before I could say that I love you too, you walked out! You don't get to walk out because you assumed things! You stand there and wait so I can say that I love you!"

Brains couldn't really short-circuit, it wasn't a real medical term. It felt like Alex's brain was actually short-circuiting though while he stared at Meredith, at her pissed off face, the fire in her eyes, and her words replayed on a loop.

She loved him, that's what she said. Yeah, maybe Alex said it first, he didn't mean to, but she said it to him. Meredith said she loved him.

"Are you seriously not going to say anything?" Meredith demanded, snapping her hands on her hips so she could glare even harder. "Here I am, baring my freaking soul to you! And you're saying nothing?!"

Alex's lips twitched when he realized how stupid it was, how stupid they were. Alex thought that Meredith was going to walk away and Meredith was standing in the hallway, screaming at the top of her freaking lungs about how she loved him.

"Alex, if you laugh at me right now, I swear to God…"

Meredith getting more pissed somehow made it more funny and a laugh slipped out before Alex could stop it. When Meredith looked ready to slap him, Alex tried to explain what was so funny.

"Do you know how freaking crazy you sound?" Alex asked her. "Mer, you're standing in this hallway yelling at me because - what? Because you love me? So you're yelling?"

"If I sound crazy it's because you make me crazy!" Meredith said. She was like a second away from stomping her foot, it shouldn't have been cute, because Meredith was terrifying and a force of nature - but it was all so ridiculous.

"Yeah?" Alex didn't care if half the hospital could see them and were watching after Meredith started yelling, they could fuck off because Meredith loved him. Alex put his hands on her waist and ducked his head, grinning. "Well you make me freaking insane, Meredith. You're stubborn and you snore and every time I buy food I like for the house, you eat it. So I hope I make you crazy, because you make me crazy and I love you."

"Well I love you too!" Meredith said hotly. Alex raised an eyebrow and Meredith's angry face started to melt and Alex could see her fighting off a smile, fighting off the realization that they were both idiots.

"Hey, Mer?" Alex said lowly, moving his face toward hers slowly.

"What?" she asked.

"This is the part where you kiss me."

Meredith lifted her chin and then Alex made him move, scooping her up and spinning her around because - Meredith freaking Grey loved him!

"Alex!" Meredith was laughing and it sounded so good, all of it felt so good. "We are at work!"

"Yeah?" Alex put her down after two circles and kissed her, not nearly as long as he wished it could have been. Meredith was smiling afterward though, all bright and shiny and loving Alex. "Who cares?" Alex asked her.

Webber was off finding Burke and Yang anyway, it didn't matter. They had a minute, just one minute that Alex could stand there and think that maybe everything he did was worth it - every day of school where he made himself go even when his family needed him at home, every cent he earned and spent while he was in med school. Alex worked his ass off and everything was finally panning out for him.

Alex had a kickass career in the making, he had a mentor who had his back. And Alex got the girl, the dream girl, and she loved him.

Everything was finally coming together for him.

"Cristina?" Meredith had searched every locker room and almost all of the on-call rooms before she finally found Cristina. Cristina laid on a bed in the dark, staring up at the ceiling, looking so miserable.

"Burke had a tremor," Cristina said flatly. "In his right hand."

"Yeah." Meredith shut the door behind her and joined Cristina on the bed, laying beside her to stare up at the ceiling together. "I know."

"He was so depressed, Mer, so horribly depressed," Cristina went on. "He said his career was over and - and how his career meant everything to him… what was I supposed to do? He just sat there and he needs his job, he needs it…" Cristina turned her head to look at Meredith. "What would you have done?"

If it were Meredith? If Alex was depressed and thought his career was over and Meredith thought she could fix it or hide it so he could have the life he wanted?

"I would have done the same thing," Meredith said. Cristina let out a breath and Meredith tilted her head over so they were connected some.

"Trust Alex of all people to find us out," Cristina complained. "Burke's talking to the chief now, I - I have no idea what's going to happen."

"Well," Meredith tried to think it through, consider all the angles of it. "Burke's an attending, the hospital has a contract with him. So the Chief will probably try and get his hand fixed or they're out a lot of money if they try to replace him, right?"

"Yeah, like two million dollars," Cristina scoffed. "Burke has a two million dollar hand."

"Right! So then there's you, but you're the influenceable intern, Burke is the attending who knew better," Meredith went on. "Plus, I heard Bailey say that if we lose one more intern that there's going to be an audit by the American Board of Surgeons, and I'm sure they want to avoid that."

"Ugh, who are you?" Cristina asked. Meredith didn't have to look at her to know her face would be all scrunched up in disgust. "You're being so positive right now."

"I know it." Meredith scooted closer to Cristina because as mad as she had been that Cristina didn't tell her about Burke's hand, she understood it too. "It's Alex, he told me he loves me."

"Wow. Wo-ow," Cristina said. "So while I'm losing my job, you're getting more love confessions."

"One, you don't know that you're losing your job," Meredith reminded her. "And two, this was a good one - a confession I wanted."

It was, Meredith wanted to hear it. Alex wasn't walking away or choosing someone else or leaving Meredith behind, Alex loved her. It was good, even great.

"Have you broken out in hives yet?" Cristina asked.

"Yeah, I think they're all internal though," Meredith said. "My skin has never been more clear. I think that consistency is the key to clear skin."

"That explains why my skin is crap," Cristina said, even though it wasn't true. Cristina's skin was perfectly clear, maybe a few blotches from a crying session that Meredith wouldn't point out.

"I really think this is going to be okay," Meredith told her. "Burke is the one at fault, you might just be off his service if - if…"

"If Shepherd fixes whatever he messed up the first time? Yeah." Cristina sighed again and Meredith wished she could do more for her. "But what if he doesn't?" she said quietly. "What if Burke's career is over? We - we won't make it, Meredith. We won't. If I get to cut and he can't? We will not make it."

Meredith couldn't argue about that and she couldn't swear that the tremor could be fixed. Meredith tilted her head on Cristina's shoulder and laid with her in silence, the only thing she could do for her.

Meredith stayed with Cristina until it was her turn to go talk to the Chief. It wasn't great, what Cristina did, but Meredith didn't think she would be fired either. At least, she really hoped that Cristina wouldn't be fired.

Since she was already past her allotted hours for the week and there wasn't anything interesting to try to get in on, Meredith figured that she should probably go see her mom. The nursing home had called five or six times in the last couple of days and Meredith was running out of excuses to avoid it.

The nursing home that Meredith found was amazing, really. They were very clean, the staff were all above the board on their certifications. Meredith never found her mom in dirty clothes or with any of the bed sores that she saw from other nursing home patients. They even let her mom have case files and reports that they didn't need anymore, something so she felt like she was still working.

"Mom?" Meredith knocked on her mom's door after speaking with the charge nurse for her wing. The rooms were completely private, set up to mimic an assisted living apartment as they could while maintaining the patient safety.

Her mom was at a table, flipping through reports and making notes with her glasses perched on the end of her nose. That was usually a sign that she wasn't going to recognize Meredith, she was back at the hospital working in her mind.

"Doctor Grey?" Meredith tried instead, walking slowly in the room. "How are you?"

"Busy," Mom said shortly. "I really don't need to be bothered right now. I have to get this data to Rochester, they're starting a clinical trial based on it."

The Mayo Clinic ran that clinical trial, Meredith had been nine. When her mom won an award for being the brains behind it, Meredith had begged to go to the award show to support her and had to stay home instead. Mom made it sound like her trusting Meredith to stay home alone for the weekend was much better than the award dinner would be, but Meredith just wanted to see her mom get rewarded for all of her work.

"I'll be brief," Meredith promised. There was an open chair at the dining table and Meredith sat there, checking her mom over carefully. "The nurses said you haven't been eating, Doctor Grey. You'll need to keep your energy up if you don't want to pass out in the OR."

It worked sometimes, if Meredith played in the fantasy that her mom lived in, she could get her to respond. It didn't always work, the second that Mom recognized Meredith as someone other than a nurse, she would get confused and then upset.

"I'll eat later, I'm too busy now," Mom said briskly, still writing notes on her pad. "They need this data by four if they want to move toward the second step of their trial. This will save lives, this will save so many lives."

"Doctor Grey?"

Meredith and her mom both turned toward the door and Meredith blinked when she saw that Chief Webber was there, holding a bag from a deli downtown.

"Richard!" Mom stood up from her chair and crossed the room toward Webber with more energy than she showed Meredith lately. Meredith looked away when her mom hugged Webber and it reminded Meredith again that her parents didn't fall out of love, her mom didn't decide her career was more important…

Meredith's mom had an affair and it was becoming more and more clear that it was with Richard Webber.

"I - uh… thought you might be hungry," Webber told Mom awkwardly. "Why don't I leave this for you and Meredith and I'll just go?"

"Meredith? Don't be silly," Mom laughed. "She's at home with a nanny. Oh, God, she's getting so dramatic lately, always whining that she wants me to stay home with her… God, I knew I never should have had a kid.”

"You know what?" Meredith stood back up and grabbed her coat with a tight smile. "I'll go. You two can enjoy your dinner."

"Meredith, I'm sorry." Webber stopped her from leaving, sticking his arm out but not touching her. "Last time I was here, the nurse said she wasn't eating. I try and bring her dinner, help her keep her strength up."

"No, I get it," Meredith said, and she did. Webber was trying to be a good man, twenty years too late. Ellis had Alzheimer's, Adele had a life with a man who was still in love with someone else. They had all lost and it was too late to fix any of it.

"I can stop visiting, if it makes you uncomfortable," Webber said quietly, under the sound of Meredith's mom telling him all about the trial she worked on.

"No, don't." Meredith was sure of that, if nothing else. "It makes her happy, I can tell," Meredith said. The episodes were further apart, even while the disease progressed and her mom spent more time locked in her own memories. Meredith looked back at her mom and saw that she seemed younger, more energized just by seeing Webber.

She loved him, she really did, and Webber loved her enough to bring her food from a deli she used to love and he loved her enough to visit her in a nursing home while his wife must have sat at home waiting for him. He didn't love her enough to be with her though and it was selfish, in a way, because it hurt Ellis, it hurt his wife, it hurt him.

They could have been happy, if he made a different decision.

Meredith thought about her mom, about Webber, about the choices they made on her drive home. Everything could have been so different for them if Webber left Adele when they had been having their affair.

Ellis would have thrived with a husband who supported her career, who understood the pressures of being a surgeon. Webber would have been with the woman he actually loved, not the one he stayed with out of commitment. Thatcher would have still been hurt, but he clearly moved on quickly enough to have kids only a few years younger than Meredith. Adele would have had a chance to find who loved her and her alone.

Everyone could have had a happier life, a life with the person they really wanted to be with. They could have had someone they loved and who loved them in return.

Alex was at home when Meredith got back to the house and he sat on the couch, watching some sports game on TV while he ate a slice of pizza from a box on the coffee table. Meredith could see the pizza from the doorway and saw that half of it was supreme and half of it was meat lovers.

Because Meredith didn't like the ham they used for meat lovers pizza.

"Hey, baby." Alex held up his pizza slice and kept his eyes on the TV. "I got pizza and Yang's bringing booze. I dunno if it's celebration booze or ‘I got fired' booze though."

If Webber made a different choice twenty years ago, they all could have had an Alex - someone who made their life less complicated, more happy.

"Where's Callie?" Meredith asked, kicking her shoes and jacket on the floor on her way to the couch.

"Hell if I know," Alex said, still watching the TV. "I think she - damn it! Call that! Bullshit!"

"You're such a guy," Meredith said. "How did I not notice that before?"

"You think you would have noticed by now," Alex said. He managed to smirk and look all cocky without missing a second of his game. "Careful, Mer, you'll hurt my ego if you're saying the sex is that forgettable."

Meredith knew Alex was watching his game and there was hot pizza, but cold pizza was better and Meredith didn't care about his game.

"What if it is?" Meredith started to climb in Alex's lap. "What would you do if I said that I've forgotten every time we've ever had sex?"

Alex caught up to her immediately and tossed his slice back on the box before he flipped her so she was laying on the sofa and he was on top of her.

"I'd have you checked for early Alzheimer's," he said, because Alex's humor was just as dark as Meredith's. "Then I'd make sure to give you something to remember every day."

That sounded fine to Meredith.

They got wrapped up in each other for a few minutes, slowly stripping each other of clothes and exploring each others bodies with their hands and mouths and as much of themselves as they could. The game faded in the background, Alex was good at being focused when they were naked.

Alex was going to be an amazing surgeon one day.

"Hey! Guess what?"

Alex groaned and very politely laid flat on Meredith while he scrambled to grab the blanket on the back of the couch to cover her with. Meredith knew it was Cristina and didn't care too much, but she figured Alex didn't want to be walked in on.

"Oh, ew, Evil Spawn sex?" Cristina pretended to gag in the doorway, as if she saw anything more than Alex's ass while he pulled his sweatpants back up.

"You're in a good mood," Meredith said, pulling her shirt on after Alex tossed it to her. She scooted over to the middle of the sofa so Cristina could sit by her. "You weren't fired?"

"Nope!" Cristina grabbed a stack of shot glasses from the cabinet Meredith used as a bar and then plunked herself down. A bottle of tequila and the stack of glasses were put on the table beside the pizza. Cristina didn't seem to have a problem with ham on pizza because she took a slice of Alex's half of the pizza.

"Get your own, Yang." Alex smacked Cristina's hand and grabbed his own half-eaten slice back. Meredith took a slice too and managed to multitask with eating pizza and pouring them all shots.

"So what happened?" Meredith asked Cristina. "The meeting couldn't have lasted that long, Webber showed up at the nursing home like ten minutes after I did."

"Webber was at your mom's nursing home?" Alex asked, switching his pizza to his left hand when Meredith handed him a shot.

"I am off cardio for the next month," Cristina said. "Webber really knows how to kick a girl when she's down. Burke's going to have to have surgery again though so joke's on Webber, I don't want cardio without him there."

"That's great!" Meredith said. It was probably more likely that Webber didn't want their internship program under scrutiny after losing two interns already. Meredith raised her glass and made Alex toast with them. "To not being fired!"

They both took their shot and then Alex zoned back in to the game while Meredith and Cristina talked about Burke's surgery. Apparently Burke didn't want Derek to perform it, but Webber told him either he let Derek fix his hand or he was fired.

"Does Burke think it can be fixed?" Meredith asked.

"And how pissed at me is he?" Alex added, still watching the TV. "Because I could do without getting in another fist fight with an attending."

"Oh, Burke's not mad," Cristina scoffed, pouring another round of shots and stealing more of Alex's pizza when he wasn't looking. "Burke's all ‘I'm so relieved to not be living a lie' or something stupid like that. He even asked if you two wanted to come over for dinner after his next surgery. Like does he think that's going to be a thing? All of us having dinner together?"

"The horror," Meredith said, grinning a little because it was Cristina's problem and not hers. "Your boyfriend inviting your friends over? You should break up now, Cristina, he's sick."

"That's what I said!" Cristina agreed. "We are not ‘dinner date' people! We are ‘if you want to talk to me, ask me to scrub in to your surgery' people!"

That was so true and Meredith happily did another shot with Cristina agreeing to it.

"Guess what Burke told me today?" Cristina asked, folding her legs up and getting comfortable on the couch. "Webber wants to retire, I guess his wife told him to retire or she was leaving him."

"No!" Meredith gasped. "Is he going to give Burke the job?"

"Not now," Cristina said, shooting Alex a dirty look that Meredith was mostly sure she didn't mean. "That was why he told Burke because Burke was supposed to get it. Now the other attendings are going to have to try out for it."

"Other… oh, God," Meredith groaned and needed a third shot. "I'd rather Addison get the job than Shepherd."

"Or Sloan," Alex snorted, apparently managing to listen while he put away pizza and watched the end of his game. "That guy would burn the hospital to the freaking ground."

"I think Shepherd's going to get it." Cristina patted Meredith's leg apologetically. "You guys could go to Mercy West, I heard their death rate has improved by like a whole percent. Also, did you know O'Malley's dad is in the hospital? The guy's like all cancery now with a bad heart."

"What?!" Meredith left the hospital for a few hours and missed so many things. "Who's going to do his surgery with Burke out?"

"No idea," Cristina shrugged. "Maybe Hahn? Burke thinks Webber is going to call her to cover while he recovers."

That was sad, really. Meredith met George's family before, Izzie invited them all to Thanksgiving before when they all shared a house and everyone had been friends. His dad was a cheerful guy, clearly proud of his son. Even if Meredith had mixed feelings on George himself, his dad had been a nice guy.

Meredith and Cristina gossiped a while longer, sharing all the information they hadn't had a chance to share in a while. It was Cristina's fault they didn't talk, but Meredith would have covered for Alex just as she did Burke so it was easy to forgive. When the pizza was gone and the tequila was down to a third of a bottle, Alex pulled Meredith to her very unsteady feet.

"I'm going to bed," he said. "You coming?"

Cristina was already nodding off in her corner of the couch so Meredith didn't think they'd be missed any. And she did actually have to be up early for work so she let Alex pull her to her bedroom.

"You should put your stuff in here," Meredith said after she fell back on the bed. Meredith laughed when Alex's hands tickled her side while he got her jeans back off her. "You sleep in here every night."

"Yeah?" Alex tossed her jeans on the floor and climbed up on the bed with her. "You're not going to freak out and stab me or something crazy if I put my crap in your closet?"

"Why would I stab you?" Meredith asked. She cupped Alex's face and kissed his nose obnoxiously. "I love youuuu."

"Because you have commitment issues and you're insane," Alex said, rolling his eyes and being such a good sport about the obnoxious and drunken face kisses. "There's a reason I keep my shit in my room."

"That's silly," Meredith told him. "Move your stuff in here. I won't burn it or anything, probably."

"Fine." Alex kissed Meredith and then rolled her over so she could scoot back against him and he could wrap his arms around her. "Say it again tomorrow when you're sober and I'll have Torres help me move my dresser."

"Mmkay," Meredith hummed. "Then we can rent your room out and have grocery money. Do you gamble? I think you gamble."

"Gamble?" Alex sounded surprised, but Meredith was really too comfortable to care. "When the hell do you think I have time to go gambling?"

"Sports bets?" Meredith asked, already losing track of her own questions. The bed was so comfortable and she had to be up so early.

"What the fuck are talking about, Mer?"

"Nevermind," Meredith yawned. She had a point, but she forgot it. "Goodnight."

"See? Insane," Alex muttered.

Yeah, maybe, but Meredith was pretty sure he loved her anyway.

 

Alex had the day off so Meredith had to get herself up and showered and dressed while Alex got to sleep in her bed. It was really tempting to kick him or something, punish him for getting the day off and looking so peaceful while he drooled on her pillow.

"Cristina?" Meredith stayed quiet enough to not wake Alex or Callie after she finished showering and threw up most of the tequila and pizza out of her body. Cristina wasn't on the couch, the only proof that she had been there was the fresh pot of coffee sitting on the kitchen counter.

It wasn't unexpected that Cristina didn't bother waiting for her to go to work, Cristina probably left the second her BAC became acceptable. Meredith needed to be as hardcore as Cristina - Cristina did it all, she had a boyfriend she lived with and loved and she was kicking all their asses in the internship.

Meredith did have the sick mom though, so she could always use that as an excuse.

The locker room seemed so empty with Alex having the day off and Izzie and George gone. Meredith changed quickly and then had to go track Bailey down for her assignment on the general floor.

"Grey! Good!" Bailey already had Cristina there and neither of them seemed very happy about the day. "I have two cases that need an intern and you get to choose which you want."

That should have been good news, it should have been. If it wasn't Bailey making the offer, it probably would have been good news.

"Okay…" Meredith said. "Do I get to ask about the cases or do I just flip a coin?"

"You do get to ask about them because frankly I'd rather not have you on either," Bailey said bluntly. "I have George O'Malley's father scheduled for a valve replacement surgery in an hour with Doctor Erica Hahn."

Oh, yeah, Meredith really didn't want that case.

"Or I have your sister scheduled for a c-section and abdominal repair on the baby today instead."

Oh, yeah, Meredith really didn't want that case either.

"We're down to slim pickings on interns," Bailey told her. "Pick one."

"And before you choose - George is here and so is your father," Cristina said helpfully.

"The Chief is willing to bend Yang's temporary suspension on cardio in light of the past transgression," Bailey told Meredith. "It's your choice, lesser of two evils and all."

So did Meredith want to possibly have an awkward conversation with George or her father? Webber was handling the O'Malley case, Addison had the Grey case.

Which tipped the scales in OB's favor.

"I'll take the OB case," Meredith said. She accepted the report and nodded gratefully. "Thank you, Doctor Bailey."

"Don't ever say I never did anything for you," Bailey said, right back to business. "Yang, you have the O'Malleys. I don't need to tell either of you that we don't need any mistakes on either case. People get all emotional in times like this and there's no room for emotions in medicine."

Meredith didn't think she needed warned to not be emotional. It wasn't like she even really knew Thatcher's other kids, Alex had been the one to meet Molly one time. It would be fine, as long as Meredith didn't have to speak to him too much.

Addison met Meredith on the OB floor and pulled her in her office before they got started.

"Is this going to be an issue?" Addison asked her briskly. "I could use an intern, but I can pull a resident if I need one. If you can't deal with family, tell me now."

"I'll be fine," Meredith said. "I don't even know her so it's not like I'll be all warm and fuzzy and teary eyed over the case."

"Okay, if you're sure," Addison said. "Your stepmom has asked about you, I'm not sure if the patient knows who you are though."

"No reason for her to know," Meredith said honestly. "I've never even met her so we don't need some weird reunion."

"Great," Addison said. "If you're sure, let's go meet our patient."

Meredith read the report quickly while they walked to Molly's room and she focused on the details of it when she saw her father again and her stomach twisted hard.

It wasn't fair - Ellis had the affair and Thatcher didn't have to put up with it. But what did Meredith do? What did Meredith do that her father walked away from her, got remarried, and started a new family in Seattle without ever calling her? No birthday cards, no calls on Christmas, nothing.

Twenty years of nothing from him and there he was, soothing his daughter while she cried in pain from the labor pains.

"Oh, Doctor Montgomery, there you are." Molly smiled at Addison and something twisted in Meredith again - they had similar smiles. "And - I'm sorry," she blinked at Meredith. "I don't know who you are?"

"This is Doctor Karev, my intern for the day," Addison said smoothly.

"Oh! Are you married to the other Doctor Karev?" Molly asked her, she seemed so nice. "Or - siblings?"

As little as Meredith wanted to jinx her relationship by saying she was married to Alex, she wanted to claim him as her brother even less.

"Nope. I am an only child," Meredith said, glancing quickly at Thatcher and then smiling at Molly. "Doctor Karev and I had a wonderful wedding, all of our loved ones were there."

Addison coughed and Meredith thought it was hiding a laugh, she did that sometimes. "While I do love reminiscing on one of the most lovely weddings I've ever attended, Molly, I think it's time to get you to the OR. Your daughter is coming quickly and I'm worried about her intestines."

Addison was able to explain to Molly about the baby's intestines and the way that they had twisted after the last surgery. It wasn't an uncommon side effect, but it could be deadly if it wasn't treated the second the baby was born.

Molly groaned and clutched Thatcher's hand. "I can't - I can't go yet. You said if I had to have a c-section I could have someone with me and my mom's not back yet and her dad doesn't even know I'm here yet. Please, please, can we wait for my mom?"

"I'll go with you," Thatcher told her. "I'll be there and I'll hold your hand and your mom can call Eric's commander again and give him an update, okay? I'll be there for you, honey."

Thatcher wasn't a bad father… to Molly. Thatcher was there and he cared and he wanted to be by her side.

"Okay, Dad," Molly said, smiling up at Thatcher with so much love. A lifetime worth of love. "Promise - promise you'll stay with Laura when she's born though? She's going to need someone with her."

"I will," Thatcher promised. "I won't leave her. It's going to be okay. I'm sure that Doctor Montgomery and Doctor K-Karev are the best."

Well, he wouldn't know, would he?

Addison took Thatcher to get him gowned and sent to the OR while Meredith started unhooking Molly's oxygen and moving her IV bags to the portable pole on the bed.

"I know it makes me sound so childish, but - but I just feel better knowing my dad's going to be with Laura," Molly said. "He was always there for me and my sister, always making sure we weren't hurt or scared or alone. I just think if he's with her - she'll be okay."

"Doctor Montgomery is an excellent surgeon," Meredith promised her, skirting Molly's description of the father Meredith never had. "You and Laura are in the best hands."

Meredith kicked off the brakes on the bed and started pushing Molly to the patient elevator, listening while Molly nervously rambled the entire time.

"My mom's amazing, she is, but I've always been a daddy's girl," Molly told her. "Lexie's like mom's best friend, but Dad was mine. I mean, he was so worried when Eric proposed, he worried that we were rushing things. I think it's because he used to be married once before? But then on my wedding day… when he walked me down the aisle…" Molly's ramble hitched on a sob that was at least half emotion and half pain. "He was crying and telling me how proud he was and it was everything I ever dreamed of."

Meredith didn't have anything to say to that, nothing at all. It was great for Molly, it really was. Meredith might have liked to meet that man, meet the father that worried over his daughters and cried at their weddings.

All of Meredith's memories of her father were the fights he had with her mom, the day he left their house with only a suitcase and never looked back at where Meredith sobbed and screamed for him on the porch.

"Was it like that for you?" Molly twisted in the bed so she could see Meredith and Meredith tried to swallow down the bitter jealousy she didn't need to feel toward an innocent twenty year old girl. "Your wedding?" Molly asked her. "When your dad saw you in your dress, was it like magic?"

"Yeah," Meredith lied. "It was magic."

It would have to be to ever have Thatcher be an invited or wanted guest at any wedding that Meredith might or might not have in the future.

Thatcher stood by Molly's bed in his gown and mask while Addison started the c-section. Meredith made herself focus only on Addison's work, but Thatcher's encouraging whispers to his daughter were seriously pissing her off.

"And she's out," Addison announced, lifting the baby and moving her so Molly could see. "She's beautiful, Molly. Grandpa, would you like to cut the cord?"

Thatcher wasn't clumsy with the shears even though he was crying the whole time he did it. Big fat tears of joy were falling from his eyes and those couldn't be faked - Thatcher wasn't pretending to care, he just did. He cared so much he was crying.

"Doctor Karev." Addison passed the baby to Meredith. "Quickly, get an APGAR after you clear the airway."

Meredith carefully rushed the baby to the bed for her and suctioned her mouth, quietly whispering for her to breathe… cry… anything…

"There it is!" Addison said joyfully when the baby began crying and breathing independently. "Congrats, Molly, your daughter has some wonderful lungs!"

"APGAR eight," Meredith reported.

"That's good," Thatcher told Molly. "She's perfect, Molly."

"Can someone tell my mom?" Molly asked. "Please? I don't want her to be worried."

"Absolutely," Addison said. "Doctor Karev, pass Laura to the nurse for an abdominal scan and go update Molly's mom for me. When you get back we'll see if Laura needs surgery."

Meredith nodded and ripped her gloves off before leaving the OR. As little as she wanted to go talk to Thatcher's second wife, she did need out of that room and away from Thatcher and Molly's happiness at their family growing.

There were plenty of people in the waiting room and Meredith didn't know which one would be Susan Grey, but apparently she knew Meredith by sight.

"Oh! Meredith!" A woman rushed toward her, a perfectly nice looking woman with sandy blonde hair and wrinkles around her mouth and eyes from how often she must have smiled and laughed in her life.

Ellis didn't have those, but Susan did.

"I'm so happy to see you," Susan said. "I was hoping to bump into you today. I've always wanted to meet you, but you know your father. I'm Susan, I'm your stepmom!"

There were… so many things wrong with that statement that it made the OR seem suddenly more comfortable to be in.

"I - uh, I just wanted to update you," Meredith told her quickly. "Molly had the baby, Laura, and Doctor Montgomery is going to evaluate her for surgery. But Molly's fine and the baby is breathing on her own."

"Thank God," Susan sighed. She tried to grab Meredith's hands and Meredith stuffed them in her pockets quickly. Susan didn't seem turned away by it, she still smiled at Meredith with so much warmth and kindness. "I've been so worried out here. I knew it was the right choice bringing her here, I could feel it. And you helped deliver? Oh, that is great! Did you get a chance to talk to Molly or your father? Molly will be tickled to find out her sister delivered her baby."

"Molly didn't seem to know me," Meredith said curtly, needing Susan to stop talking. "And my father certainly doesn't know me. You don't know me. We all might share a last name, but that's it. Molly is not my sister, you are not my family. I'm very happy for you that everything's worked out, but I need to go now."

"Meredith, wait, please?"

Meredith wasn't going to wait, she wasn't going to stand there and listen to Susan say all those things that just weren't true. Meredith didn't know her father, he didn't know her, and whose fault was that?

It definitely wasn't Meredith's.

Meredith hurried back to the OR in time for Addison to finish closing the incision and instructing a nurse to take Molly to recovery. Thatcher lingered in the room, so painfully awkward, while Addison and Meredith checked the abdominal scan on the baby.

"See there? Some of the intestines have twisted, but they might untwist now that she's got room to breathe more," Addison said, pointing to the twist. "With newborns, it's best to wait and watch. We should keep her for at least a week, but these things sometimes work themselves out."

A week of Thatcher hanging around the hospital, great.

Addison offered to take Thatcher to post-op recovery which left Meredith free to escape to the stairwell, needing a quiet place to just breathe for one minute.

All she needed was one minute to push everything down and focus on her job. One minute to make herself be the robot that she complimented Cristina on being.

"Meredith?"

And because Meredith's life was a cosmic joke, she wasn't alone in the stairwell. It could have been Cristina, which would have been great, or any number of people who Meredith wouldn't have been angry at seeing.

It wasn't though, it was George O'Malley, sitting ten steps below Meredith and looking up at her.

"I'm really not in the mood for this," Meredith warned him, pushing herself up to find a new hiding place. "I - I don't want to see you or talk to you. I know your father's here, but it's a big hospital, we don't need to do this."

"No, I know, I - uh… I just wanted to say I'm sorry," George blurted, stopping Meredith with her hand on the door handle. "What I did was terrible and awful and I'm - God, Meredith, I'm so sorry. I knew, I knew that you weren't into me like that and I just thought… well, it doesn't matter what I thought. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry and if it makes you feel better, my dad is probably going to die. So… there's that."

Why would George's dad dying make Meredith feel better? In what world would Meredith transfer the anger and the sick feeling in her stomach that she had when she thought about that night to a man who had once been so nice to her on Thanksgiving?

Did people really think Meredith was that much of a bitch or did George never know her at all? He told her he was in love with her that night, but he didn't know her to love her.

Thatcher didn't know her. George didn't know her. Derek knew her and chose Addison anyway.

Meredith didn't say anything to George, she didn't have anything to say. Meredith went right back out in the hallway and made herself a robot just until her shift ended.

For ten hours, be a robot.

For six hours, be a robot.

For three hours, be a robot.

By the time Meredith's shift ended and she could leave, she had shoved her feelings down so far that the only thing she could feel was numb. Thatcher and Susan were in the nursery, Meredith was numbed to it. George was in the general surgery hallway, holding his mother while she cried about his father, Meredith was numb.

Meredith sort of thought that maybe she would never feel anything again and maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing.

Then she got home and it all bubbled up when she saw that there was a dresser in the hallway, halfway between Alex's room and hers.

"What are you doing?" Meredith asked him, trying really hard to not scream at him when she found Alex in her room, pushing her dresser over the best that he could. It was an old dresser, Ellis's before it was hers, it was heavy.

"Yup, knew it." Alex stopped pushing the dresser and used the bottom of his grey tank top to wipe the sweat off his forehead. "My bad, Mer. I'll put all this shit back."

Meredith looked around her room and saw there was a basket of clothes that weren't hers on the bed, shoes over beneath the window. It was Alex's stuff, Alex's stuff in her room.

"Wait! What are you doing?" Meredith asked when Alex started shoving ber dresser back to where it had been.

"Well, I'm clearly not moving my crap into your room," Alex said. "Sure, drunk Meredith was all about it, but I knew sober Meredith was going to change her mind."

Meredith had a very vague memory of asking Alex if he wanted to share her bedroom. "I didn't say I don't want to share a room," she said stubbornly. "All I did was ask what you're doing, I'm allowed to ask that."

"Yeah, but you said it all shitty and I'm fine keeping my crap down the hall," Alex said. "You need time, it's fine, whatever. I love you, I can wait to move some clothes."

"Do you love me though?" Meredith asked, suddenly desperate to know if it was true. "Do you love me or do you love the idea of me?"

"What does that even mean?" Alex asked, giving up on the dresser and sitting on the end of the bed. "What ‘idea' of you? I live here, Mer. I see you all the time. I think I know who you are."

"Do you?" Meredith asked again.

"I know you snore like a truck, you stole Izzie's hair stuff when she was here because you're too busy to go buy the good stuff yourself."

Those were both true - Izzie had really great hair products, they even repaired some of Meredith's split ends.

"I know you don't like ham on pizza and that you like the spicy curry crap that Torres is always buying because I have to hear her bitch when it's gone."

So basically Alex knew that Meredith was kind of a thief.

"I know you're mom's sick and you love her even though I would have dumped her ass in a shitty nursing home after being such a bitch to you."

Too far.

"And I know that I'd like to lay your dad out for walking out on you," Alex finished with a shrug. "I know probably at least fifty things about you. Oh, and I know that if I can't put my stuff in here that you can't wear my socks anymore. I'm sick of never having any clean socks, your chick socks don't fit my feet."

"Fifty things, huh?" Meredith asked, walking the rest of the way in the room and sitting by Alex on the bed. "That's at least fourty-seven things more than my father knows. Who, by the way, was at the hospital today being father of the year to his other daughter."

"Which is why you came home in a pissy mood," Alex said. So… maybe he did know her. "Fine. When Thatcher isn't around, we'll talk about moving my dresser. In the meantime, why the hell do you think I have some gambling problem?"

Did Meredith say that? She didn't mean to. There really wasn't a great way to say that it was because Alex was always broke.

"I was drunk," Meredith said. She grabbed Alex's arm and pulled him back to lay on the bed beside her. Meredith looked over at him and admired his face, his jawline, the light stubble that he would shave off in the morning. "I love you," she told him, meaning it. "I do. And - and I like wearing your socks, so maybe you should move your dresser in here."

"Yeah?" Alex looked at her and he started to grin, his crooked grin that eased some of the weight of the whole awful day from Meredith's chest. "This is just about my socks?"

"They're really comfortable," Meredith said. Which was completely true, Alex had padded socks and Meredith wanted to buy some… when she had time and energy to go buy socks.

"Alright, fine," Alex agreed easily. "Come help me move my dresser then, this furniture is a bitch to move."

That was because it had never been moved before. The furniture was exactly the same as it had been when Meredith's parents were married and they all lived there together. None of the dressers were moved, the office was still filled with Ellis Grey's life saving work.

The only thing that changed was that people laughed inside the house, they laughed and they watched TV together and ordered pizza together. They laughed while they moved dressers and then laughed before they took a hot bath together.

The dresser was a change, but it wasn't the first recent change in the house. Meredith liked it though, she liked its new home in the room she shared with Alex.

"Yang, you're with Shepherd today."

"Joy," Cristina breathed sarcastically. It was better her than Alex, he just had his stitches removed and every time he saw his head in a mirror it made him want to deck Shepherd.

"Grey, Sloan requested you."

"Ugh," Meredith whined quietly. Sloan had been alright lately, less of a complete douche, but he was a crappy teacher. All interns were to him were coffee fetching bitches. Meredith was the one who struck up some weird friendship with the guy though, she didn't have a lot of room to bitch when he asked for her.

"And, Karev, you will be with Montgomery."

Alex didn't complain because it was where he wanted to go anyway. Addison had a chick with ovarian cancer so severe that they could see the tumor during a vaginal exam. The girl was definitely going to die, but Alex would never see a tumor like that again.

"Cool," Alex said, taking the report that he already memorized. Addison didn't give Alex room to slack, if he didn't have the patient information memorized then she would jump his ass and have him running scut. Addison didn't accept any half-assed effort, ever. Alex had to be at the top of his game all the time or he'd be back in the gallery watching surgeries instead of assisting.

It was a lot of work, but Alex didn't mind it so much.

"I will be busy assisting the Chief on the O'Malley case today," Bailey told them. "You all will not bother me, you will listen to your attendings. If you have a problem, solve it."

"I thought O'Malley's dad was a goner?" Alex asked Yang after they all agreed to leave Bailey alone.

"Oh he is," Yang said flippantly. "The tumor is invading the other organs. If they take it out, he's dead. He wants them to try though, maybe he hates his family."

"That's horrible," Meredith said, forcing herself to not laugh it sounded like.

"Hey, we were all thinking it," Yang said.

Alex made plans with Meredith and Yang to meet up at lunch if they could. Some days it worked out, some days they didn't eat until their shift ended. If Alex stood around and waited for Yang to quit talking, he'd be stuck there forever.

Yang and Meredith could talk and talk and talk… It was exhausting.

Alex hurried to the OB floor and planned on doing rounds, showing Addison how much research he did on the vaginal tumor, set himself up to be the intern on all of her surgeries. The problem was that Addison didn't seem to give a damn about anything Alex said, she had her nose in a folder and barely hummed while he went over the cases.

"Did I do something wrong?" Alex asked, a little pissed at being ignored. If it was anyone else, sure, but Addison at least usually pretended to listen when Alex talked.

"What? No, oh, no." Addison closed her folder and smiled apologetically. "Sorry, I have a presentation to the board this week, I'm going over it now."

"You're running for Chief then?" Alex checked. Thank God, Alex didn't want to work at a place where Shepherd or Sloan were in charge.

"Yeah, why not?" Addison asked. "I think it's time for Seattle Grace to have a female Chief of Surgery."

"Hey, I'm not bitching." Alex dropped down in the chair across from Addison at her desk and waved toward the report. "That's your pitch, let's hear it."

"Yeah?" Addison asked, brightening. "You don't mind? I've only practiced in the mirror before now."

"Sure, whatever," Alex shrugged. "If it sucks, I need to know now if I need to find a new place to study. I'm not working with Sloan or Shepherd."

"Okay, great," Addison said. "So! Here's what I have…"

Alex sat and listened while Addison highlighted her career, her certifications, the high-profile cases that she had brought to the hospital. Addison made a list of the clients and income that her name brought to the hospital and it was all totally true - and complete crap.

"That's it," Addison finished. "What do you think?"

"I think you're a great surgeon," Alex said. "I think you're a kickass surgeon who brings big cases here. I don't think you mentioned a single reason that you'd be a good Chief. You're already Head of your department, but you gotta amp it up for the chief position."

"Ugh." Addison dropped her head on her desk for a few seconds, being dramatic as hell. "How am I getting lectured on interviewing by you?"

"Dude, I kick ass in interviews," Alex bragged. "It's all about finding out what they want to hear and giving it to them."

"So…" Addison looked at Alex briefly. "Lie to them?"

"Lie to get the job then make it your bitch," Alex told her. Alex's wrestling coach told him that once and Alex never forgot it. "And, while you're making things your bitch, can we get to tumor chick?"

"First off, if you ever refer to a dying twenty year old as ‘tumor chick' again, I'll make you my bitch," Addison said, snapping back to her usual ball-buster self. "That girl is young, she is scared. You will use her name when you refer to her. Am I understood?"

"Yes, ma'am."

Addison took a few minutes to go over the case again and answered the questions that Alex had jotted down about the treatment. Alex didn't understand why Addison put that the tumor was non-operable, he thought they could remove part of the vaginal walls and take out the uterus, but Addison shot it down.

"See where it's imbedded here?" Addison asked, pointing to the scan of it. "We'll never remove that without killing her. If we leave it, it's going to regrow and without the walls to slow it then it's going to hit her large intestine first."

"So there's nothing we can do?" Alex asked. "Nothing at all?"

That was crap, that was complete crap. There couldn't just be a death sentence hanging over the girl's head - she never even had a chance to get drunk in a bar with her friends.

"Sometimes there isn't," Addison sighed. "And now we have to go tell a sweet and young girl that she's dying. I want you to take the lead, Karev. Be ready to answer questions, explain the reasonings. Don't be surprised if she asks for new doctors, that's a really typical reaction."

"Me?" Alex grimaced. "You don't want me. No offense, but I'm going to screw it up."

"Yeah, probably," Addison agreed calmly. "That's how you learn. If you're really stuck, I'll be there to jump in. Now, let's go."

Alex really would have preferred to talk more about Addison's pitch to the board.

Their patient, Jillian Miller, looked just as young as her paperwork had her. She had been admitted for heavy vaginal bleeding and Addison found the tumor. It sucked, it really sucked, to walk in the room and see her laughing with her friend and smiling and happy and knowing that she was going to be dead within the next two months.

"Oh, they look serious," Jillian's friend said, climbing on the bed to sit with Jillian. "Is everything okay?"

"I'm afraid I don't have good news," Alex said politely. He tried to think of how Addison had broke bad news before and looked around for any sign of a family for Jillian. "Jillian, are your parents here? A husband? Anyone?"

"Just - just Rachel," Jillian said as she clenched Rachel's hand tightly. "This is about the tumor, right? Is it… worse?"

The chick was a waitress who was told that she had a tumor, she had no idea how bad it was, she had no idea how not every tumor could be removed. Hell, Alex hardly wanted to believe it either.

"The placement of the tumor makes it impossible for us to remove," Alex said, staying professional and as little of a dick as he could manage. It was the worst part of the job - not losing patients, but telling someone to their face that they weren't going to live.

"What's that mean? She can't just live with a tumor inside her?" Rachel said, grinning some because she had no freaking idea. "I mean, she can't even have sex with it."

"Rachel!" Jillian laughed and swatted at her friend's arm. "Don't be gross in front of the doctors!"

It wasn't gross and it wasn't wrong, Jillian couldn't have sex with the tumor without being in excruciating pain the whole time. The girl was going to die a virgin, which was kind of tragic by itself.

"Unfortunately, I mean… we can't - we can't remove it and your friend is right, you can't live with it," Alex said, tripping over his words. "I'm sorry. There's nothing we can do. Best case scenario here is three months, but even that's optimistic."

Alex's words settled in the room like a heavy blanket on all of them. Jillian seemed stunned while her smile slowly dropped away and Rachel was about to bounce into denial from the look on her face.

"What do you mean? Nothing you can do?" Rachel demanded. "I thought this was like the best hospital?! Go find a doctor who can fix her! It's a tumor! Just take it out!"

Alex looked at Addison and tried to get her to take over, but she had faded to the background and seemed just fine with letting Alex handle the shittiest situation ever.

"We uh - I mean, you won't find another doctor to do it," Alex said. "If we take it out then we'd have to take out everything and then when it grows back it'll kill her even faster."

"But it would buy her time?" Rachel asked, jumping on Alex's misstep. "Because they have like radiation and chemo. People don't die from cancer anymore!"

"They do, every day," Alex said. "It - there wouldn't be time, it would be months of painful recovery and then it would grow back and - and that would suck too."

"That's your medical opinion? IT WOULD SUCK?!" Rachel yelled. "GET OUT! GET OUT AND FIND ME A DOCTOR WHO KNOWS WHAT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT!"

"Rachel, Jillian, I'm sorry." Addison finally freaking stepped up then and took over. "What Doctor Karev is saying is correct, if not exactly how I would word it. Jillian, if we remove the tumor we would be unable to take all of it without killing you. What we would have to do is remove so much of your internal reproductive and sexual organs that you could gain six months, maybe, and most of that time would be spent in horrible pain from the recovery."

"So there's nothing?" Jillian asked, sniffling. "Nothing at all? You're telling me I'm going to die before I - before I can even drink??"

"Yes," Addison said, firm and professional. "I am. I'm so sorry. We'll give you some time to process this and we'll be back later."

Jillian couldn't reply because she was busy sobbing with her friend and Alex sped out of the room with Addison.

"‘That would suck'?" Addison asked as soon as they door closed between them. "Seriously, Karev?"

"I mean… it would," Alex said. He sighed and tried to come up with something to actually explain himself before Addison slapped him upside the head. "I'm sorry, I am. I just got flustered or whatever and I sort of blurted shit out."

"You can't 'blurt shit out'," Addison scolded him. "You're the person they need to trust, they can't trust you if you're not able to maintain a sense of professionalism."

She wasn't wrong, so when she sent him to run labs and other scut, Alex figured it was well-deserved.

The only good thing about scut duty was that Alex was actually able to make it to the cafeteria for lunch. Meredith and Yang were at a table, cracking up about something, and Alex was quick to join them after getting himself a burger.

"What's so funny?" Alex asked. He didn't have time to talk, he printed off a dozen studies on cervical cancer and vaginal tumors that he wanted to read, but he could probably listen and read and cram food in his mouth.

"Shepherd gave me his pitch for Chief of Surgery today and we were thinking of ways to sabotage it," Yang said. "So far our best idea was Meredith telling him she loves him before he goes in so he's distracted."

"Yeah, let's go with not," Alex muttered, flipping past the first article when it didn't have any relevant information.

"Sloan has a great pitch," Meredith told him. "He's got a whole spiel about how to bring more money to the hospital and turning it to put toward research labs. I might have helped him some, if Addison can't get it I'd rather it be Sloan than Derek."

Nothing in the second article either, all of their trial patients died from sepsis.

"Burke might still be in the running," Yang said. "I checked in on him and he said the Chief told him he could pitch the board with the others."

"That's great!" Meredith cried. "How's his hand? Any tremors?"

"None."

"God damn it." Alex threw the third article when it was just as useless as the first two. Why the hell did they bother publishing if all their information was crap?!

"Alex?" Meredith twisted in her seat to try and read the next article he had. "What's wrong?"

"What's wrong is everything," Alex scowled. "I'm sick of people freaking dying for no reason. We can't remove a tumor so some chick is going to die before she can drink beer or get laid? It's crap!"

"I mean, it's like the circle of life," Yang said, waving her cry carelessly. "That's why we have to have a lot of sex and drink extra booze to make up for the less fortunate."

"Dude, shut the hell up," Alex snapped at her. "It's not a joke. Some chick is going to die because medicine isn't good enough for her."

"Well, let me see some of those," Meredith offered. "What are we looking for?"

"Anything where a complete removal of the vaginal walls were replaced or something so when the tumor grew again, it couldn't get to her organs."

"Why not just remove the tumor?" Yang asked. "You know, cut as much as you can then radiate the crap out of her?"

"It's too deep," Alex said. He tossed one of the articles to her too. "Help look or shut the hell up."

Yang did help look and Alex read through every article until he was ready to toss them all in the trash and say screw it.

Then he found it.

He actually found it.

"I FOUND IT!" Alex yelled, laughing and not giving a damn who stared at him. Alex shook the article and laughed again. "I found it!"

In the very last article it was a surgery and the patient died, but they knew why and Addison would know how to prevent it. Alex found it, actual evidence of how his patient could live.

"I gotta go." Alex shoved his tray toward Yang, figured she would pitch it or whatever, it didn't matter. Alex had to go.

Alex ran all the way back to the OB floor and burst into Addison's office at full speed, waving the article for her.

"I found it!" Alex said, panting from the run. "I know how we can save her!"

"Save who?" Addison asked.

"Tumor chick!" Alex said as he tossed the article on Addison's desk. "Look, look at this surgery. They did a total pelvic exenteration. Then they did an internal reconstruction, used skin grafts and crap to rebuild everything they needed. While she's healing from the exenteration, we can blast the hell out of the tumor cells with radiation. It's - it's exploratory, but it could work. It could save her."

"Karev…" Addison flipped to the end of the article and sighed. "This patient died."

"From a hemorrhage," Alex said. "They nicked a blood vessel. If we get enough images and scans to map it out, we can avoid it. This could work, Doctor Montgomery, this could give her a real life."

"It's risky, Karev, it's risky and it's five years worth of painful surgeries," Addison argued.

"So?" Alex said. "Who cares if she's got five years worth of pain if it means that she can still live? Let me present it to her, she'll do it, I'm sure of it."

"Okay. Okay." Addison gave Alex back the article and nodded. "You go present this to the patient as a possibility, I will go get approval from the chief. Do not, I mean - do not, tell her this is a sure bet, Karev. You give her all the information and we'll go from there."

"Yes!" Alex was riding a high when he jumped out of Addison's office. It was a cutting-edge procedure, the kind of thing that Addison could publish and add Alex's name to. And it could give the girl a life, give her a chance to really live.

Jillian saw it the same way Alex did. Alex told her all of the details, bluntly laying it all out for her in every nitty gritty detail. Alex told her about the colostomy bag, the pain medicine that she wouldn't be able to take. Jillian had all of the information and she still wanted to live.

"Thank you, Doctor!" Rachel threw herself at Alex and sobbed all over him, apologizing for being rude before. Alex patted her back a couple of times before he detached her from him and kind of pushed her toward the bed to cry with her friend.

Alex was in it for the surgery, he didn't need two chicks to get all weepy and think he was a God or whatever. He did kind of feel like a God though. That chick was scheduled to die and Alex found a way she could live.

If Alex finished the day with sex and steak then it might be a damn near perfect day.

"Karev!" Addison found Alex an hour later and Alex knew from her smile that she got the surgery approved.

"She's in? We're doing it?" Alex asked. "Hell yeah."

"She is in, I have her scheduled for the first surgery in a couple of hours as long as she signs all the consents," Addison said. Then she hesitated, "But I'm afraid you're not scrubbing in."

"Wait… what?" Alex's smile slipped. "Are you kidding me? I found the freaking surgery!"

It was Alex's case, Alex's case that he searched for an answer for. Alex did all the work for it, Addison would have sent her home to die if he didn't look it all up!

"You did, you did amazing," Addison agreed. "And you should be proud. I've warned you though, Karev, multiple times, that you will not give patients offensive nicknames when you're on my service. It's sloppy, it dehumanizes them, it's offensive. You found the surgery and you should be so proud, but you won't be scrubbing in."

Alex did all the work for it, all of it. Addison didn't want to even do the surgery, he had to pitch it and he had to talk her into it.

"Yeah, that's perfect," Alex scoffed. "Thanks, thanks so much for taking this badass surgery I found and kicking me off it because - because I forgot her damn name."

"That's not it," Addison insisted, twice as stubborn as Alex. "You didn't forget her name, Karev. You do this dehumanizing thing where you give patients nicknames to avoid seeing them as people and it's bad medicine. I know you can be great, you could be the greatest surgeon of your generation, but you have to do better."

Yeah, whatever. Alex wasn't going to be ‘the greatest surgeon of his generation' and he wasn't going to stand there while Addison made excuses for why she took him off the surgical plan that he created.

"Whatever. I've got scut to do," Alex spat. "Good luck with the surgery, Doctor Montgomery."

"Karev…"

No, Alex wasn't standing there and he wasn't listening to her crap. If Addison wanted to take the surgery from him, good for her. Addison was a shark like every other surgeon in that building, Alex shouldn't have forgotten it.

Alex could find plenty of scut to keep him busy, since that was apparently all he'd be doing. Maybe Alex should have cut his losses and applied to the hospital to be a tech or something - he'd be doing the same crap without having any dumbass ideas of getting to help save a patient's life.

He'd probably make more money too and then maybe Meredith would quit asking him weird shit about him having a gambling addiction.

Alex found plenty of crap work to do and he even hid out in the derm department for a while, anything to keep himself away from anyone else. Meredith had a surgery with Sloan, Yang was slotted to scrub in with Shepherd. Bailey was still in surgery with the Chief.

Everyone had a surgery except for Alex.

Alex swung by the neuro post-op wing just before Addison's surgery was scheduled. He figured he'd poke his head in on Burke, see if he was healing alright. Maybe if Yang was off his service then Alex could get on it when he got back, if he returned before her month was over.

"Alex! Come in." Burke was sitting up in bed, his right arm in a sling, when Alex stopped by. "I was hoping to see you today. Cristina said that you have quite a surgery planned."

"Nope, I don't," Alex said, still bitter about it. "How's the arm?" he asked, nodding at Burke's arm.

"Much better," Burke said. "I wanted to thank you, Alex. I apologize that I put you in such a precarious position, truly, but it was a relief to finally have the truth exposed."

"Uh… you're welcome, I guess," Alex said. "I wasn't trying to be a dick, I just - you know, I dunno… maybe I was being a dick."

"I don't believe that at all," Burke said, frowning at Alex. "I find you to be a very upstanding man, Alex. You had no ulterior motives, you've gained nothing from this. We've had nothing but amicable communication when you've been on my service. Since there's no real other possible motivation, I believe that you reported a concern to my superior in an abundance of care for our patients."

Maybe, kind of. Not really, Alex had been thinking of Meredith mostly.

"Well, you're the only one," Alex said, kind of uncomfortable with Burke's praise. "Pretty sure Doctor Montgomery thinks I'm scum."

"You're very self-negative, Karev," Burke told him. "I would appreciate you not spreading this, but Addison raves about you. She sees great potential in you and, between us, the Chief himself believes you are the intern to watch."

Yeah, maybe to watch to make sure Alex didn't screw anything up or kill someone.

"Thanks - I guess," Alex said. "I just wanted to come see how you were, see when you thought you might be back."

"I should be discharged by the end of the week," Burke said. "I've had no tremors, so I hope to be back in another week at the latest, after I've given the Chief proof of good standing."

"Cool," Alex said. "I gotta go, good to see you, Doctor Burke."

"You too, Alex. Feel free to come by anytime," Burke said. "Good luck with Doctor Montgomery, she may be prickly at times, but she wouldn't waste her time with you if she didn't see potential."

Or if she thought Alex was just particularly fun to kick around. Sure, she'd let Alex spend hours searching for an obscure once-in-a-lifetime save for a patient, but screw him if he wanted to scrub in.

Bailey must have finished with the O'Malley case because she was standing in with Addison while Alex was stuck up in the gallery, watching every move they made.

They were going to have to remove all of the internal organs, blast radiate some of them to replace immediately and wait for others to be transplanted in later. Alex could see the tumor being removed, carefully with as much precision as Addison had, and he breathed out easier when he saw that she was able to remove the bulk of it.

Jillian could get laid, get drunk. Addison was going to give her a life.

"Hey." Meredith joined Alex in the gallery when Addison was halfway through the removals. "Why aren't you down there?" Meredith whispered, staying quiet in the packed gallery. "This was your surgery!"

"I dehumanized the patient and Addison's teaching me a lesson," Alex said. "It's a crap lesson."

"I'm sorry," Meredith said loyally. "If it works though, then you've still saved her life."

Yeah, Alex would be able to sleep and if he watched his mouth, if he watched his damn smart mouth, then he could scrub in on the next major surgery.

"There is that," Alex agreed. He leaned forward when he could see the monitor spiking as Addison went to remove Jillian's bladder. "Shit. What's happening?"

"Oh, God, is she having a stroke?" Meredith wondered, seeing the same vitals Alex was. "Her heart can't take the stress."

Addison was commanding the other doctor to push medicine, increase fluids, and Alex watched while Jillian's blood pressure grew higher and higher while her heart rate dropped. They tried, they pushed the medicine and they did everything they could while Addison tried to hurry and close up, and it didn't matter.

It didn't matter that Alex found a way to save her. It didn't matter that Addison was the best surgeon to perform the surgery. It didn't matter that Alex watched from the gallery or that he thought it would work.

Jillian stroked out on the table and Addison looked up in the gallery and met Alex's eye before she called time of death.

Alex didn't need Meredith to hold his hand about it, he didn't need to watch while Addison instructed Bailey to close so she could go inform Rachel. Alex knew that it was his idea, he was the one who told them about the surgery, he needed to be the one to tell Rachel that she just lost her best friend.

They could have had months together and they lost that, Alex needed to tell Rachel that he world was never going to be the same again.

Rachel jumped up from the seat in the waiting room as soon as she saw Alex and she walked straight toward him.

"Doctor Karev, hi," she said, smiling at him and making it worse. "They said the surgery could take up to eight hours, but I just couldn't leave."

"Rachel, let's go in this room here," Alex said, gesturing toward one of the conference rooms they had just for conversations like that. It was private, stocked with a phone and tissues and even bottles of water for grieving family members.

Rachel sat in one of the chairs and Alex stayed standing, giving himself an out so she could have privacy after the initial grief.

"Rachel, Doctor Montgomery was able to remove the majority of Jillian's organs, but unfortunately her heart began to malfunction from the strain of the surgery. Doctor Montgomery did everything she could, but they weren't able to revive your friend." Alex had to say it, the words. They were the worst damn words to share.

"I'm so sorry, Jillian died."

Alex stayed with Rachel while she cried and she screamed. Alex didn't let her insults and her half-assed punches drive him out. If Alex just lost his best friend, he'd want to destroy the entire damn hospital, he could take a few hits from a girl who was heartbroken.

Alex stayed with her until Rachel was able to call another friend to pick her up and then he left her to grieve, promising that someone would be by soon to talk about the next steps. When Alex left the room, he saw Addison standing just outside the door - apparently eavesdropping on the whole conversation.

There was nothing Alex wanted to say to her though, there wasn't anything Alex wanted to say to anyone. All Alex wanted to do was change out of his scrubs and get a drink to wash away the taste of death from his mouth.

If Alex went home, Meredith would be there. And Meredith would be nice and they'd probably have sex and it could be find if Alex didn't accidentally let out all of his frustration out on her.

Which was why Alex went to Joe's where nobody would talk to him and he could have a few drinks, sit by himself, and just think about how strikes were unavoidable complications of major surgeries.

"Rough day?" Joe asked when he brought Alex a second drink.

"Like you wouldn't believe," Alex sighed.

"Well… I hate to bring more bad news, but I think that's your boss coming straight for you."

Alex wasn't going to look because as much as he wished it would be Webber or Bailey, he could recognize the click of high heels that told him who it was. Before she even sat down beside him, Alex knew it was Addison.

"Cosmo, please, Joe," Addison ordered, getting a nod in return from Joe. Addison turned to Alex and he refused to look at her - it wasn't Addison's fault, she didn't kill Jillian, Alex just hated that she died.

"This case was awful, Alex," Addison said. "You did everything right today, everything. And I'm sorry I didn't let you in the OR, but I need you to grow and you grew today, you did. When you talked with Rachel, you didn't have to do that. But you saw her as a human who was going to experience horrible grief and you stepped up, you grew."

Maybe.

"It didn't matter," Alex said. "None of it mattered. We took away the time she could have had with her friend, the time she could have spent living."

"And sometimes that's the horrible truth of what we do," Addison said calmly. "Sometimes people come in for a simple procedure and they do. Sometimes someone has a one in a million shot to live and they take it, they take it and it fails. You, as a doctor, did not fail though, Alex. You didn't. You advocated for your patient, you tried everything you could. Next time it might work, that's why we keep growing and trying."

Alex didn't say anything for a few minutes, he just turned over everything from the day while he worked on his drink. Addison sipped hers in silence too and eventually Alex could feel some of his frustration shedding off him.

"You gotta fix your speech," Alex told her as he slid enough cash across the bar to cover both of their drinks. "Because you'll be a kick ass Chief of Surgery and the hospital deserves someone like you in charge."

Alex hoped Addison got the job and he hoped that Meredith was still awake when he got home so he could go over the case with her, from start to finish, and hear her opinion on it all.

Meredith had been dreaming, a really good dream. It wasn't a dirty dream or anything, it was one of those dreams that the second she opened her eyes, it was gone from her memory leaving behind a feeling of nostalgia already for losing it.

Then Alex hit her with a pillow.

"Shut it off," he groaned while he tried to bury his head under another pillow.

Meredith sat up and looked around, disoriented by the wrong alarm going off. It took her a second to realize that it wasn't their alarm clock, it was the house phone.

Which meant, Meredith knew it before she answered, that it was probably about her mother.

"Hello?" Meredith tried to be quiet so Alex could go back to sleep after she answered.

"Meredith? Hello, dear, I'm so sorry to wake you. This is nurse Marie at Roseridge. I'm calling about your mom…"

Yup. All of Meredith's warm fuzzy feelings from her dream were pretty much gone by the time she hung up the phone and started getting dressed.

"What's going on?" Alex rolled over in bed when Meredith flipped on the closet light to find some clothes.

"I - uh… I have to get to the hospital," Meredith said, pulling on a tank top then a sweater. "Go back to sleep, it's fine."

"What? Is there a big trauma coming in?" Alex asked. He yawned and sat up and there was something sweet about Alex's face the first minute after he woke up, it was soft and warm and Meredith could usually see a little bit of dried drool by his lips. Never enough to be gross, just something that made him human.

"Nope, no trauma," Meredith said. It was silly, she could tell Alex, he wasn't going to be weird about it. "My mom woke up lucid today," she told him. "Then she apparently worked herself up until she passed out and, because it's my mom, she was having heart palpitations. So they took her to the hospital, our hospital."

Because why not? Why wouldn't Meredith want her mom to be lucid and being seen at the place where she worked? What could be worse than hearing her shout at nurses and staff when she was having an episode?

"Damn." Alex yawned again and swung his legs off the bed which was the opposite of what Meredith wanted. "So she's lucid, huh?"

"Yes and I don't need you to come with me," Meredith said. "I'm a big girl, Alex. You should sleep, I will deal with my mom."

"Don't flatter yourself, babe," Alex said. "I'm not going to meet your mom, I'm going to troll for cases. Burke is supposed to be back today, I want to see what he's got before Addison calls dibs or whatever."

Oh. Well that was okay then.

It didn't take long for them to get dressed and make it to the hospital, though they both paused and raised their eyebrows at the very masculine leather jacket lazily tossed on the kitchen table. Meredith didn't know that Callie and Sloan were still sleeping together, it did explain the giggles she thought she heard in the middle of the night though.

They went in through the ER and it took no time at all for the nurse from the nursing home to spot her.

"Meredith, there you are!" she said. "Your mother was given a private room, I believe they're waiting on a cardio consult. There's a doctor in with her now doing an assessment."

Meredith nodded along long enough for the nurse to tell her to call when her mom needed transport back to the living center and then left.

"So… you goin' in?" Alex asked when Meredith stood by the desk and only stared at the door.

"Yeah, in a minute," Meredith said. She probably was, she should. It was getting rare for her mom to be lucid, Meredith should go in her room. They would talk, her mom would ask about Meredith's life…

"Maybe I'll wait, see what the doctor says first," Meredith said. "You should go, see what cases you can swipe."

"Yeah, in a minute," Alex said, easily throwing Meredith's words back at her. Alex leaned against the desk and seemed to be focusing hard on Meredith's neck before he reached out and plucked a hair from her collar.

"My mom's crazy, schizophrenic," Alex said casually, much too casually. "So, you know, real good times. She tried to kill me once, she was having a fit and thought I was the CIA or something."

Meredith had no idea - none. Alex rarely talked about his family, she only knew about his brother and sister.

"I send her a check every month now to cover her medicine, she cashes them, I don't call her and she doesn't call me," he went on, making Meredith abruptly feel like a monster. Alex didn't have a gambling problem, he was paying for his sick mom's medication.

And that wasn't cheap, Meredith would know.

"Are you saying that I should go talk to her?" Meredith asked. "Because you don't talk to your mom?"

"Nah, I'm saying that family sucks most of the time and that's why we don't get to choose them." Alex grinned crookedly, hiding the vulnerability in his eyes. "Cause who would have picked your mom to raise them?"

Meredith laughed since she was sure Alex was making a joke, but it really wasn't funny. Alex's mom trying to kill him wasn't funny, Meredith hiding in a hallway from her mom wasn't funny. It was all definitely not funny.

"I'm going to go troll for cases," Alex said. "Page me if you need pick-me-up sex or whatever."

Meredith nodded and watched Alex walk away and for one second, for one teeny tiny second of what she was sure was going to be an awful day, she was grateful.

Alex understood messy families, Alex understood that Meredith probably wouldn't have walked in the hospital without him but she didn't need him to hover either.

For one teeny tiny second, Meredith was grateful for Alex.

Then Meredith looked back at the door that hid her mom from sight and she sighed. It really was going to be an awful day.

Meredith was still debating on if she needed to talk to her mom before or after she got a cup of coffee when the door opened and Cristina slipped out. It wasn't shocking that Cristina was there so early, it didn't surprise Meredith that she managed to get a cardio case, the smile that Cristina wore did catch her off guard though.

"Meredith!" Cristina practically skipped to Meredith. "Your mom is kind of amazing. She's got like this superpower? It's insane. I'm a little bit in love with her."

Of course she was because Ellis Grey was a rockstar and a surgical genius, a pioneer in the field. Two time Harper Avery winner Ellis Grey was loved by the medical field.

"She does have that effect on people who didn't raise her," Meredith said, accepting the report Cristina didn't hesitate to hand over. "How'd you get a cardio case anyway? I thought you still had a week left of your suspension?" she asked while she read.

Ellis had a suspected heart disease, one that was common in patients with Alzheimer's from the medication.

"I told your mom that we were friends so she'd request me," Cristina said shamelessly. "I haven't seen a heart in weeks, Mer, I needed this. Your mom totally understood, she called me a cutthroat know-it-all."

That did sound like her.

"What'd you tell her?" Meredith asked as she passed the report back. "About me?" she clarified.

"Nothing, I told her that Webber was the chief and distracted her," Cristina said, puffing up all proudly for baiting a sick woman with the man she spent her life pining for. It was really smart though.

"Thank you," Meredith said. "I guess that means I should… go in there…"

"Meredith." Cristina grabbed Meredith by the shoulders and stared her down. "You're a doctor, a surgical intern in the best program in the country. You work at the second highest ranking hospital in the U.S. Your mom has no room for parental disapproval."

There was always room for disapproval when it came to Ellis.

"And I'll come burst in in like twenty minutes and say there's a mass casualty and they need you to help," Cristina offered.

"Now that's perfect," Meredith said. "Thanks."

"Happy to help!" Cristina said. "If you sneak away sooner, come find me, I have Burke news."

Burke News could be anything from he locked Cristina out of their place for being a slob to he got a toothbrush that Cristina didn't like. It would probably be a helpful distraction the second that Meredith finished talking with her mom though…

Meredith put on her big girl pants and took one more minute to breathe before she went and knocked on her mom's door.

"Mom?" Meredith let herself in and knew immediately that her mom was completely lucid while she adjusted the settings on her IV.

"Meredith! Oh!" Mom turned immediately and surprised Meredith by opening her arms. Meredith kind of rushed to her and let her mom hug her in a way that she hadn't done in years.

"My girl," Mom said, holding Meredith so tightly. "You've grown, you've grown so much. All I kept thinking about was that awful fight we had before you went to Europe."

It had been an awful fight, one of their very worst ones. Meredith made plans to spend a couple of months in Europe with her friends from school and Ellis lost it. Meredith was lazy, a waste of talent, she was going to end up nothing more than a ‘spoiled little slut'.

Meredith could do without rehashing that fight during Ellis's brief period of lucidity.

"I went to Europe, Mom, then I came back and started Dartmouth, remember?" Meredith said. "You came to orientation with me. One of my professors asked for your autograph?"

A uniquely mortifying experience.

"I - yes, I remember," Mom said. She dropped her arms from Meredith and looked around the room. "Doctor Yang said I'm at Seattle Grace?"

"Yes, Mom." Meredith guided her mom back to her bed and then sat in the chair beside her. "This is Seattle Grace, I work here."

"Good, it's a wonderful place to learn," Mom said, nodding in approval. "This is where I learned. And - and Richard Webber is the Chief?"

"Yes," Meredith said. "He's a wonderful surgeon, I'm lucky to learn from him."

"I could have taught you so much," Mom sighed. "Meredith, I could have made you an extraordinary surgeon. I'm so sorry, you've lost such a resource."

Yep, Ellis was completely lucid.

"Okay, well." Mom folded her hands on her lap. "Tell me about yourself. Everything I've missed. Tell me everything, Meredith."

"Okay, well… I live in our old house," Meredith said.

"That's smart," Mom said, interrupting Meredith immediately. "You're close to the hospital, able to jump the best cases."

"Right," Meredith agreed. It was also cheaper because Meredith didn't have to pay rent, but the location was convenient. "I, um… I'm seeing someone, he's great."

"Does he understand the pressures of your job?" Mom asked. "Men say they do, but they don't. They'll be jealous, spiteful of your success."

"Well, he's a surgical intern too, so he gets it," Meredith said.

"Good," Mom said. "Now, tell me about your work. Have you declared a specialty? Doctor Yang has already declared cardio, she's very focused on her career. A relationship is great, but if he's a distraction then you need to prioritize."

"I thought, maybe general," Meredith said. "Or neuro? I'm not sure. Neuro is great, but the attending doesn't exactly like me."

"Who cares?" Mom asked briskly. "Who cares if someone doesn't like you, Meredith? You're not here to make friends, you're here to learn. My God, I thought you had more of a backbone."

"I do, I do," Meredith said quickly. "It's just - you know, it's complicated and kind of messy—"

"You think having one attending not liking you is messy?" Mom laughed. "Meredith, do you have any idea how many doctors in this very hospital didn't like me? They called me a nurse, they called me ‘the lady doctor'. Did I let that hold me back? No. I raised you better than that! I raised you to be the best!"

Meredith swallowed her retort and looked away, breathing slowly so she didn't start yelling back. It was messy and it was complicated. It wasn't discrimination, it wasn't sexism. It was… messy.

"Right," Meredith said flatly. "Well, general could be interesting too."

"‘Interesting', sure," Mom scoffed. "I mean, I've done groundbreaking, life-saving work in general surgery. But, yes, Meredith, I'm sure that it's an ‘interesting' field."

There was no right answer. Any answer Meredith gave wouldn't be enough, it wouldn't be good enough. Meredith was never going to be enough, not for the great Ellis Grey.

"Alex is thinking of specializing in fetal surgery and OB," Meredith said, trying hard to shift the light off herself. "Alex is my boyfriend, the other surgical intern."

"And he's choosing to double certify in two of the most elite specialties? Great," Mom said. "I can only hope that his work ethic will eventually rub off on you."

Why did anyone ever think that lucid periods were some sort of gift? It wasn't some great gift to have her mom back, Meredith almost preferred when she was ‘Doctor Grey' and talked about what a mistake Meredith was.

Meredith was nearly wishing for the sky to fall and take them all from their misery when her mom asked about the advances made for Alzheimer's patients. There weren't any, none. They still had no idea how to treat it, how to slow it, or how to prevent it.

"Um… well…"

"Meredith!" Ten minutes early and perfectly on time in Meredith's opinion, Cristina burst in the door. "They need you, it's all hands on deck."

"Oh, sorry, Mom." Meredith jumped up and tried to make her face look apologetic and not totally relieved. "You understand. I'll - uh… come back later."

"No, no, go," Mom said. "Go try to learn something, if you can. Oh, and if you find Richard Webber, ask him to come by, will you?"

"Yes, I will do that," Meredith said. She rolled her eyes when her mom couldn't see her and thanked Cristina the second the door was closed. "You could not have picked a better time," she said.

"Oh, shit, no - no, there's like an actual emergency," Cristina said. "A ferry boat crashed, we're all supposed to meet at the ER. Here, change."

"A ferry boat crashed?" Meredith took the set of scrubs and stripped her sweater off to pull a scrub top over her tank top. People were rushing by and nobody was paying attention to her so she kicked her jeans off to pull on the pants too.

"Yeah, it's going to be awful," Cristina said, gruesomely wistful. "I heard that sometimes in situations like this we can do field surgeries."

"I'd take a lobotomy myself right now," Meredith said. She finished changing and then quickly stuffed her clothes behind the nurse's station. "Hey, what did you want to talk to me about?" she asked Cristina. "Something about Burke?"

Cristina opened her mouth and then they were interrupted by Bailey barking at them.

"Hey! Move it!" Bailey yelled. "It's all hands available right now. Oh," Bailey paused and squinted at Meredith, "Grey, you can stay with your mom if you want."

"I definitely don't want," Meredith muttered. She spoke up louder when Bailey seemed to want an actual answer, "I'd rather go help."

"Fine," Bailey said. "Let's go."

Meredith and Cristina rushed to keep up with Bailey and they both accepted a jacket from the trauma nurse identifying them as disaster relief doctors. They were given their hospital badges too and instructed to clip them on the front of their jackets for identification.

Alex waited outside in a group of other interns and residents and he worked his way through the crowd to get to Meredith when he saw her. "Hey," he said. "You're going?"

"Yes. Is it terrible if I say that this horrible disaster is the best thing to ever happen to me?" Meredith asked.

Burke must have snuck up behind them because he was the one to answer Meredith.

"That would be a terrible thing to say… out loud," he told her. He glanced at Cristina and raised a brow. "Cristina, have you—"

"Hey! Ferry boat crash!" Cristina interrupted loudly, shaking her head really obviously at Burke. Meredith assumed that Burke had been about to spill the beans about whatever news Cristina had… Meredith really hoped she wasn't pregnant again. Cristina had been all hormonal and extra bitchy the last time before she lost the pregnancy.

"I see," Burke said, managing to sound more unimpressed with Cristina than he had been Meredith. "Bailey," Burke called, "I believe that Doctor Yang came in early today and managed to get herself assigned to a cardiac case."

"What? No, shut up!" Cristina hissed. "I want to do field surgeries!"

"Yang, you're out," Bailey said. "Doctor Burke, Chief Webber said that all attendings should remain behind to prepare for the incoming."

"Oh my God," Cristina groaned. "Why would you do that to me?" she whispered to Burke. "Do you hate me? Do you secretly hate me?"

"Contrarily, I love you deeply," Burke said. He put a hand on Cristina's shoulder to guide her inside. "And now we can discuss precisely how much after you do Ellis Grey's echo."

"Have fun," Cristina told Meredith and Alex. "I'll be with Mama Grey, telling her what an awful doctor you are."

"Don't worry, she'll tell you herself," Meredith said brightly. "Hey, if you see the Chief - tell him my mother would like to see him."

Alex waited until Bailey started doing a basic rundown reminder on the triage tag system for mass casualties before asking about her mom.

"I'm guessing it wasn't a teary eyed reunion in there?" he muttered.

"I was very close to crying," Meredith tried to joke. It was just so exhausting, trying to live up to her mother's expectations when she was lucid, her mother's name when she wasn't. Meredith shouldn't love her mother so much and despise her almost as equally, it didn't have to be that way and they would never fix it.

That was what Alzheimer's did, it locked the patient in the past and their episodes of lucidity became fewer and far between until they were too sick and their brains were too ill to remember anything. On Ellis's deathbed, she would never recognize Meredith. They would never make things better between them, Meredith probably shouldn't have held the childish idea that they would.

"Want me to go in there when we get back?" Alex offered. "Nothing like a hot doctor boyfriend to get her approval. Hey, you know what? She was hitting on me last time she was here so we know she already likes me."

"Gross," Meredith said, actually managing to laugh. It made Bailey glare at her while ambulances started pulling up to pick them up, but it was worth it.

"I'm just sayin', Mer, I'm a real catch," Alex said. They fell in line to get loaded for the crash site and EMTs handed out jump packs as they climbed in their trucks.

"Oh you're much more acceptable than I am," Meredith told him. "In fact, my mother is hoping that I'll pick up a better work ethic from you."

Alex snorted and accepted one of the bags with a package of tags from the EMT before climbing up in the back of an ambulance. Meredith was next and took her bag and tags and read them over quickly, refreshing her memory on what made a patient green, red, or black.

Green, walking wounded. Red, immediate transport needed. Black, unlikely to survive their wounds.

Typically, there would be a yellow as well. The only time they didn't include them was when the casualties were expected to outweigh the living.

Which did kind of make Meredith a monster for being so relieved by the crash.

The ambulance was too crowded and packed for Meredith and Alex to talk anymore and there was a feeling of adrenaline in the air. Everyone was waiting to see how bad the crash would be, how many victims there would be…

As awful as Meredith imagined it to be, it was ten times worse.

They unloaded at the crash site and Meredith could only stare around for a moment, stunned by the absolute horror of it all. A man taking charge of the scene filled them in quickly - a shipping container clipped a ferry boat in the fog. They anticipated there to be three hundred passengers and…

"We'll likely only find half of that," the man told them all solemnly. "Many people went in the water. The waves are choppy now, stay away from it. The FEMA assistant director will point you to a zone, work within it. Stay safe, we have plenty of injuries already."

"Be careful," Alex murmured, pausing to kiss Meredith quickly after they were assigned different zones.

Meredith heard people in the crowd screaming for their family members, sobbing while they searched for their loved ones and their children. Everywhere she looked, there was such horror and heartbreak.

"Hey." Meredith felt uneasy and grabbed Alex's arm for a second. "I love you," she told him. It felt important to say, though it was probably silly. Mass casualties were awful, but they were there to help.

Nothing was going to happen to Alex.

"I love you," Alex said back. "See you back at the hospital, Mer."

Yeah, eventually.

Meredith went to the zone she was assigned, following the taped off sections that someone had marked. It put her on the waterfront and Meredith was overwhelmed for a moment by the number of injured patients and the debris that could be hiding more bodies.

Then Meredith saw a little girl curled up on the ground with her shoulders shaking and her blonde braids stained with blood.

"Honey?" Meredith went to her first and assessed for any injuries or breaks that would keep her from standing. When she didn't see any, she grabbed her under her arms and pulled her to her feet. "Hey, sweetheart, my name's Meredith," Meredith told her, watching her eyes for pupil reaction. "Are you hurt?"

The girl shook her head and Meredith didn't see anything that made her a priority aside from her age.

"Do you know where your mom or dad are?" Meredith asked. The girl shook her head again. "Okay, that's okay," Meredith said. "Here," she handed her a green tag and pointed to the ambulances that were unloading more doctors and taking patients back to the hospital. "Go over there, they'll take you to the hospital and they'll help you find your parents."

Someone shouted for help and Meredith turned away from the girl to get to the next patient and the girl followed her.

"You have to go," Meredith told her firmly. "It's dangerous here, I don't want you to get hurt."

The girl only stared up at her with teary blue eyes and shook her head again. Meredith sighed and took the tag back and clipped it on her sweater with the lanyard.

"Okay, stay right by me then," Meredith said. When she took a patient to the ambulances, she would make the girl go then.

The next patient Meredith found was a black tag and Meredith made the girl look away. The man had moderate bleeding from his ear, he would never survive the trip to the hospital or the surgery he needed.

There were boards and shingles covering someone screaming and Meredith unburied them the best she could and tried to yell for help when her leg was still trapped.

"It's okay," Meredith told the woman. "I'm here, it's okay."

"My leg," she sobbed. "I can't feel it."

Meredith tried to yell for help again when she lifted a board and saw how severely damaged the woman's right leg was. It was going to need amputated and it was trapped, it had the women completely trapped. It could take hours to move the boards - there were so many people trapped.

"Okay, okay," Meredith said, feeling frantic and trying hard to focus on what needed done, what she was trained to do. "I need you to breathe," she told the woman. "Can you breathe for me? I'm going to try and shift these boards so you can pull your leg out."

"I'll - yes, breathe." The woman inhaled and it was raspy, there were rattles in her lungs. Meredith took a step back and grabbed the board on top and lifted with all of her might, trying her hardest to free her. When Meredith nearly had the board high enough to turn it, the woman let out a piercing scream.

"MY LEG!" she screamed. "OH, GOD, PLEASE!!"

Meredith tried to drop it without adding to her crush injuries and there was enough of a gap that Meredith could see most of her leg, see where it was partially-severed and still completely trapped.

"I need you to go get help," Meredith told the girl while she started digging through her bag for something - anything - to help. "Go find one of the men in the blue jackets and make him come help us."

The girl nodded and rushed off, running carefully around the debris and bloodshed. Meredith made sure she got halfway to the rescue team before Meredith refocused on the woman.

"I'm going to be very blunt here," Meredith told her. "Your leg is not going to be salvageable. I'm so sorry, I think that our only option here is going to be to amputate and get you free. If we wait, sepsis can set in and you'll lose more than your leg."

"No, please!" The woman tried to grab Meredith and her hands were bloodied, but not mangled. "Please," she said again. "I'm a dancer. I can't - I can't lose my leg."

"What's your name?" Meredith asked her, trying to calm her down some. Her blood pressure was going to be severe and Meredith did not want her to stroke out when the pain was only going to get so much worse.

"Elizabeth," she said, sobbing again. "I'm a dancer and I'm good, I'm really good. I trained my whole life to be the best."

"I raised you to be the best!"

"Elizabeth, I'm Meredith," Meredith told her. "I know you trained to be the best, I understand. I'm so sorry, I am so sorry this happened to you. But it is going to be your leg or your life."

"Take my life," Elizabeth moaned, her eyes fluttering while her face turned another shade lighter beneath the blood. "I'd rather die."

Meredith swore when Elizabeth went unconscious and she started hooking her up to an electronic monitor - the second her pulse dropped too low, Meredith was going to have to move on.

The girl returned to Meredith just after Meredith hooked Elizabeth up to a portable oxygen tank and shook her head.

"Nobody will help?" Meredith asked. She looked around again and saw that there were plenty of rescuers, but they were occupied with other patients and more severe areas of damage.

"Okay. Let me think," Meredith said. She had a scalpel, but she needed a bone saw. So much of the tissue was damaged, the area beneath the laceration and break was purple from a lack of oxygen.

There were men with saws though, men using them to cut up boards and debris. It wasn't going to be sanitary, but it was going to be the only way that Elizabeth didn't die.

"New plan, you stay here," Meredith told the girl. "Can you do that, honey? Stay here with Elizabeth?"

The girl nodded and Meredith didn't have a lot of options other than to leave her there and run for a gurney and a saw. Meredith wasn't sure if she knew how to operate one of them, but she did know that she could do her best to boss one of the men into helping her for a minute.

"My God, I thought you had more of a backbone!"

Meredith got one of the gurneys first and then ran up to a group of men with the saws.

"Hey!" she yelled, waving her arms to get their attention over the noise of the machinery. "I need your help right now."

"Everyone does!" one of the men yelled back. "You're going to have to wait!"

"I cannot wait!" Meredith shouted. "This patient cannot wait! Either you come help me, right now, or I will send you a photo of this woman every single year to remind you of the life you could have saved!"

And then, because Meredith was her mother's daughter in so many ways, she glared him down until he agreed to help with a jerky nod.

Meredith filled him in on their way back to Elizabeth and the girl. "This woman is trapped, if we can get her leg freed quickly, I'd prefer that. If not, I need you to not be queasy because we're going to have to amputate."

"You want to cut a woman's leg off with this saw?" he asked. "Lady, are you nuts? This thing is disgusting!"

"I can irrigate the wound after the amputation," Meredith said. "If we don't get her out soon, she's dead either way."

The man acted as if she was insane, but Meredith was mostly completely sure she was making the right choice. Elizabeth was going to wake up and be devastated - as devastated as Ellis was by Meredith's lack of exceptionalism - but she would wake up.

Meredith was going to make sure she woke up.

The girl was still where Meredith left her and she backed away from the wood and shingles when Meredith directed her to. The man looked around at it and he tried to shift the boards, he tried to unbury her by hand, then he shook his head.

"It's going to take hours to get her out," he said. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry, be ready," Meredith told him. The top board was shifted enough to expose the upper leg and Meredith steadied herself when she knelt down beside her with her gloves on and her scalpel in hand.

"Make sure that girl isn't looking," Meredith told him. She breathed in —

"Did I let that hold me back? No!"

— and then exhaled before she began making the cuts needed.

It was awful, it was horrifyingly messy and choppy, nowhere near the precise cuts that Callie could do at the hospital. But it wasn't a scheduled amputation, it was a field amputation and Meredith only needed to work quickly while she sliced through skin and applied hemostats to the blood vessels.

"Okay. Okay." Meredith didn't know why she was crying, she couldn't even think about that. She waved the man forward and pointed to the exact spot where the bone needed sliced. "Cut here," she told him. "And then I need you to be ready to help me lift her immediately to the gurney."

"Dear God, you're insane," he breathed. "Back up."

Meredith stepped backward and checked that the girl wasn't watching, though of course she was. "Look that way!" Meredith yelled at her, pointing with her blood soaked hand. "Don't watch!"

The girl was stubborn, though traumatized was probably a kinder descriptor, and stared at Meredith with her big eyes.

"Here we go." The chainsaw started and Meredith watched the girl and tried to keep as much of her body between the patient where pieces of flesh, bone, and blood flew and the girl as she could. Meredith saw the tears falling from the girl's eyes and she wiped her own face with her arm.

Meredith saw the front of the girl's jeans darken with urine and she opened her arms for her, letting the girl run to her and hold her.

"It's okay," Meredith said, holding her tightly and trying to be there for her. "It's okay. It's going to be okay. You are going to be okay."

They both were. Meredith and that girl - they were going to be okay. Elizabeth was going to wake up with one leg and a future she would have to reshape, but she would wake up and eventually be okay too.

As soon as the man turned the saw off, Meredith turned the girl away, assuming by then that it was useless, and rushed over to help lift Elizabeth. Her vitals were sinking, she was still in the red stage though and Meredith had the man push her on the gurney while Meredith jogged beside him, irritating the wound with as much sterile water as she had.

"This one's red!" Meredith yelled at a paramedic. "Hey, she needs to go now!"

A team of EMTs ran to help and one of them gasped at the wound.

"Oh, God, that happened from the crash?" they asked.

"No." Meredith took the sharpie off their jacket pocket and started writing the vitals and times on Elizabeth's arm where it couldn't be missed. She wrote ‘UNSTERILE FIELD AMPUTATION R LEG' in large letters before removing the equipment she needed to keep.

"Take her and go," Meredith said. The little girl was beside her and Meredith tried to push her toward them as well. "Honey, go to the hospital. Your parents might be there, okay? You helped me so much, you were such a big helper."

"No!!" The girl finally cried out and clung to Meredith's leg. She looked up at Meredith and was just so scared and alone.

"We gotta go," the EMT said. "Is she coming or staying?"

"I - staying, I guess," Meredith said. There were so many people who needed help, Meredith needed to get back to her zone. "Make sure they know to push her for clean-up! Ask for Torres or Sloan!"

The EMT nodded and Meredith went back to the waterfront where she was assigned. She let the girl carry the oxygen tank and she talked aloud to her while she managed another patient.

"It's a head laceration," Meredith said. "Can you stand? Good. Take this tag and go to the treatment center in front of the fire truck."

Meredith helped the young man stand and watched to make sure he managed the walk before she found another body.

"Okay, let's go help him," Meredith told the girl. "You're being so brave, I'm really proud of you. Maybe, when you get all grown up, you can be a doctor or a nurse and help people too. You'll remember this very scary day and you'll remember how much help you were. That's what I want you to remember, okay, sweetheart? Remember how brave and helpful you were."

The girl sniffled, but she was going to be okay. She was brave, so brave, and she wanted to help others.

The man that Meredith saw was clinging to the edge of the pavement, trying to stay on dry land despite the obvious fracture in his arm. Meredith grabbed him quickly and pulled him just on the edge so she could start treatment.

"Oh, God, he wasn't trying to stay out, he was trying to get out," Meredith said. The man was soaked and Meredith needed to treat the hypothermia first. She used her shears and shed his jacket, his shirt beneath it. There weren't any blankets in the bag and Meredith pulled her jacket off to wrap around him, anything to bring him some warmth.

"Sir?" Meredith started a sternum rub. "Sir! Can you hear me?"

His fingers twitched and it seemed like a good sign, a sign of life. Meredith called for the girl to bring her the oxygen tank and she set it up just right while Meredith applied a nonrebreather to his face.

"Red," Meredith said, looking for the tags. They were in her jacket pocket and she rolled the man on his side in the recovery position and to give her better reach for the tags.

As soon as the man sucked in a breath on his own, a shaking breath that was thankfully rattle free, he started seizing.

"Back up!" Meredith yelled at the girl, he was flailing and so tall, his legs and arms were so long and strong Meredith was terrified the girl was going to get knocked in the water.

The dock was slippery when Meredith stood and tried to bend over to grab the man's head to hold it when he continued to strike it on the pavement with every convulsion. Meredith needed to keep him safe, keep him from hurting himself further, wait it out.

"You're okay," Meredith said with no idea who she was talking to. She looked around at the fog that mixed with the smoke pouring from the shipping container. There were lights flashing and pylons that were crushing people, tearing down buildings. Even beneath the sound of the machines that ran and the sirens blaring, Meredith could hear the horrible screams.

Somewhere in the mess was Alex, undoubtedly saving lives.

"You're okay," Meredith said again. "You're okay."

The man's convulsions started to slow and Meredith was ready to release his head when he abruptly screamed.

It happened so quickly, so terribly quickly.

The man screamed and he thrashed out again with his arms, hitting Meredith in the legs. She wobbled on the edge of the pavement, trying to keep from falling.

And then she fell.

Meredith didn't even have time to yell out before her body hit the water and all of the air in her body was stolen by the icy waves. It felt like knives were cutting into her, slicing her skin when she struggled to reach the surface. As soon as her head broke the water and she spit the water from her mouth to scream, a wave crashed and Meredith was knocked backward, further in the waves.

The water was dark and disorienting, difficult to find the surface when Meredith felt her body dragging her deeper and deeper, her throat and lungs filling with water that added to the weight. Meredith kicked, she waved her arms and tried to find the surface, tried to find the sky.

It was unrelenting, the water was as determined to pull her deeper down in the cold dark depths as she was to get out of it. Meredith kicked harder, flailed her arms to find anything to help her pull herself upward, away from the bottom where she would be just another body to be recovered.

"I raised you to be better than that! I raised you to be the best!"

For one second, just one second, Meredith let her body rest. Her arms were so heavy, her legs felt sluggish and slow. Meredith looked upward and opened her eyes and she thought she could see the sun… just the sun that faded the further down Meredith went.

And then, when Meredith's lungs refused to work and her chin slumped forward to rest on her chest, everything went black.

It was insane - completely freaking insane.

Alex had never seen anything like the mess that was caused by the ferry crash and he doubted if he would again. There were pylons crushing people, dead bodies laying all over the ground, more bodies being pulled from the water. With the smoke that covered the scene and the lingering fog rolling in off the water, everything seemed unreal.

There were two bodies in a row that Alex tagged as black before he climbed down on a platform to check for more bodies. Layers of boat siding and boards were crushing anyone under the pile and Alex could see an arm sticking out - just one arm.

It was messed up, just one body alone and buried under garbage. They were so crushed that Alex doubted if anyone would even recognize them once they were rescued.

Alex started to turn away, he couldn't even see enough of their body to tag them as black, when he saw the hand twitch. The hand twitched and then the fingers curled up, uncurled.

They were alive under there.

"I need some help down here!" Alex yelled as he immediately started moving boards and sheets of aluminum off the body. There wasn't exactly a lot of room to toss the shit and it was heavy, so Alex settled for shoving most of it right off the platform and into the water.

"I'm coming for you," Alex told the patient. He grunted when he had to lift a board that was easily bigger than he was, but he got it lifted off them too. The whole time he moved shit around, the hand just kept curling and uncurling. Whoever it was, they wanted to live and Alex was going to make sure they did.

By the time that Alex had the body cleared off, he was drenched in sweat and every breath was burning in his freaking chest. He did it though, he cleared them off enough to move them and then he saw their injuries.

They were screwed - so screwed. Every bit of their body was swollen from crush injuries, their face was nowhere near recognizable, they had to have broken most of their bones and there was internal bleeding causing blood to pool in patches inside their stomach.

Their round and protruding stomach.

"Oh, shit." Alex slung his bag over his shoulder and didn't even think before he bent down to pick them - her - up. If she had a spinal injury, and the odds were good that she did, then Alex just paralyzed her. If she didn't and Alex left her there, she was dead.

Her breaths came in wheezy little gasps while Alex carefully carried her back up to the main ground and moved his ass quickly to an ambulance.

"You're good," Alex told her. "You're good. We're gonna get you to a hospital, alright?"

She only stared at him with bright hazel eyes that stood out more with the swelling surrounding them. She wanted to live, she had to live. Alex wasn't going to let her die when she must have been fighting off death the whole time she was buried.

Alex looked around while he carried her, trying to find Meredith. Alex hadn't seen her since they got there and he was trying to not let that bug him. Meredith was a freaking superhero, she could probably save every damn patient they had out there on her own. But the more that people screamed for their missing family members or sobbed over the dead, it was making Alex's skin itch and he just wanted to see with his own eyes that Meredith was alright.

Over by the edge of the water, with some little girl following her, Alex finally found her. Meredith was talking to the girl, letting her carry the portable oxygen tank, and Alex could suddenly breathe easier.

"You're a fighter," he told his patient, focusing on her again. Meredith was fine, it was the chick in Alex's arms that needed his help. "You have a long road to recovery though, so you gotta keep fighting, okay? You do that and you're going to live."

The chick kept staring at him, but just before Alex crossed into the treatment zone, she nodded her head.

"There you go," Alex said. "Good job."

The other rescuers were busy with their own patients and Alex found a stretcher to carefully lay his patient on. He started pushing her to an ambulance that was pulling up, ready to kick someone's ass if it meant getting her transported first. The truck parked and the doors opened for more EMTs and firefighters and —

"Izzie?" Alex saw Izzie climb out of the truck last and she looked to him before following anyone else.

"Alex!" Izzie ran to him and didn't hesitate to help push the stretcher to the truck. "I was at the building we're using for the clinic and they said they needed doctors in the field," she rambled. "God, this is awful. Oh, this poor girl…"

"Yeah, she's pregnant too," Alex said, nodding to the rounded stomach. "I'm going to get her back, take her to Addison. Be careful, alright? It's bad out here, real bad."

"I will," Izzie said. "Good luck, Alex."

Alex nodded and whistled at one of the EMT's to help him load his patient. They ran right to him and one helped line the stretcher up with the ambulance while the other started hooking the chick to a monitor and oxygen mask.

Alex climbed up in the truck, ready to help pull her in, when he looked out one more time for Meredith. All he wanted to do was remind his stupid brain that she was fine, she was good, so he could get his patient to the hospital and into surgery.

Except Meredith wasn't there.

The little girl that had been following Meredith stood at the edge of the dock, staring out in the water, and Meredith wasn't there. There was a patient wrapped in something dark blue with an oxygen mask covering his face, and Meredith wasn't there. Rescuers were running around and grabbing supplies from the stock setup in the treatment zone, and Meredith wasn't there.

Meredith wasn't there.

"Wait!" Alex helped pull the patient in the truck and tried to look again for Meredith. She had been there two freaking minutes ago. The girl that was with her was still there, there was a body that Meredith must have thought would make it since he was hooked up on o2.

So where the hell did she go?

Alex winced when something creaked and echoed across the field just before the rescuers took down a huge part of the dock to climb down in a cavern for more bodies. It filled the air with dust and made it even harder to look.

"We gotta go," the EMT told him. "Are you in or out?"

The patient was going to need to be taken straight to surgery, Addison wouldn't screw around with a pregnant chick. Alex rescued her, Alex should see her through it. She was still following him with her bright eyes, but Alex wasn't going to be able to focus at all until he was sure Meredith wasn't hurt.

Because why would she leave behind the little girl and a patient she had been treating? People were getting hurt, it was dangerous out there. Meredith was a freaking superhero in Alex's head, but she was a human too.

"Out," Alex said shortly, jumping back down from the truck. He couldn't leave his patient to fight for herself though so he whistled loudly at where he could see Izzie getting gear and orders from the FEMA Director. "IZ!" he shouted. "COME HELP ME!"

As much of a pain in the ass as she could be, as much as they fought and butted heads since day one of their internship, Izzie didn't even say so much as ‘bye' before she ran to him.

"What's up?" Izzie asked, looking around for more patients.

"I need to stay here, help with the victims," Alex said quickly. "Can you ride with this chick? Make sure that she gets taken in first and have them page Addison?"

"I - you don't want to?" Izzie asked. "You saved her life, Alex, you should get to be there for that."

"I will be later," Alex said. "Just go, would ya? Don't forget - page Addison, tell her she's pregnant. Pull her from any other case if you have to."

"Okay, yeah, I will."

Alex figured she would. And, as soon as he found Meredith, Alex would hitch a ride with another ambulance and patient and check up on the patient, make sure that Addison was taking care of her.

It was stupid, it was Alex's stupid brain going all haywire on him just because Meredith was having a crappy day and a shit ton of people were dead. It was freaking humiliating, running toward the girl that had been with Meredith, just because he was more of an idiot than he apparently was a doctor.

The girl was just standing there, staring at the water, crying silently with tears and snot dripping on to her shirt. The patient on the ground was a man, soaking wet and wrapped up in one of their assigned jackets. Alex knew before he saw it that the ID clipped to it was Meredith's. The dude was out, breathing on his own though, so Alex turned to the girl.

"Hey, sweetheart." Alex gently put his hand on the girl's shoulder and she jumped about a foot in the air. Alex kneeled down like they were supposed to do with peds patients and he made his voice kind, soft. "Are you over here helping the doctor?" he asked. "I saw you carrying that oxygen tank, you must be pretty strong."

The girl slowly lifted her arm and pointed out in the water.

"Yeah, that water's scary today," Alex said. "Hey, I saw you were with my friend, Meredith. You looked like you were helping her. Do you know where she is?"

The girl nodded and kept pointing at the water. Alex tried to shift his body so he was blocking the water, needing her to just answer him.

"Meredith," Alex said again, shoving down the prickly feeling of panic that he was feeling in his chest. "Do you know where she went? She's the nice lady you were helping earlier."

The girl leaned around Alex that time and kept her arm straight, pointed directly at the water. Alex knew the kid was messed up from the crash, she probably had some sort of trauma induced nonverbal thing going on, but he saw her walking with Meredith and carrying the oxygen tank. If she could do that then she could freaking—

Alex whipped his head around so quickly he felt a crick in his neck. Not that it mattered though because the girl was pointing at the water and there was a patient Meredith had been treating right on the edge of the water.

The water was dark, choppy with waves coming in off the cargo ship that hit the ferry and was trying to get docked for extinguishment. If Meredith fell, if she fell in the water…

"Go get me one of those gurneys," Alex told the girl. "Those metal beds on wheels? Go get one and make someone come help us, now."

The girl finally nodded and took off, hopefully understanding the severity of the situation. Alex didn't think about it, he couldn't. He stood up and unzipped his jacket to drop on the ground before he prayed to some freaking God somewhere that there wasn't a shallow slab of pavement just beneath the water.

In a moment that he hoped wasn't going to be the stupidest thing he ever did, he dove in and was immediately shocked by the icy water, the crushing feeling of it all squeezing the air from his body. There wasn't a lot to see at first when Alex forced his eyes open, it was a lot of dark nothing for a second while Alex twisted and turned, trying to find any proof that Meredith had fallen in.

There was nothing, nothing but dark water that pushed and pulled at him, tried to keep him from moving so it could yank him down and make him a dumbass needless casualty of the crash.

Then he saw bubbles, a ton of bubbles some way out from him. They weren't air bubbles floating to the surface but bubbles made from someone fighting like hell to get out.

Alex swam toward it and ignored the burning in his chest and the water that was going up his nose from his time already spent in the water. The closer that Alex got to the bubbles, the more that a blurred outline in the water became a picture that made him sick.

It was Meredith, Meredith floating in the water with her eyes closed and her body limp. Her hair fluttered behind her and Alex couldn't see her chest moving, he couldn't see any evidence at all that she was alive.

All Alex saw was the worst image that he had ever seen. In fifty years, Alex would never forget seeing Meredith like that and he would never forget the fear that filled him, ten times as cold as the water.

With a surge of energy, Alex kicked forward and didn't slow down until he had his arms beneath Meredith's and he was kicking up to the surface. Meredith was completely slack in his arms, she didn't fight or kick or do anything to help them get to the surface.

The second that Alex's head broke free of the water and he could breathe in a gasping lungful of air, he started kicking to the dock while he pulled Meredith in his arms. Alex couldn't look at her, he couldn't look at her blue lips or pale face, because then he was going to freaking scream and Meredith - Meredith…

Meredith needed Alex to be the superhero for once.

There was a fireman waiting by the water with the little girl and another one loading the patient wrapped in Meredith's jacket on a second gurney. As soon as Alex got close enough to the platform, he reached a hand out and the fireman pulled him out with Meredith tightly held by Alex.

"Man, what the hell happened?" the guy asked. "Shit. Hold on."

Alex immediately started shivering so badly that he almost dropped Meredith when he stood and the guy tried to take her. Alex shook his head with his jaw clenched - he couldn't let go of her, he couldn’t. He looked away for two minutes and she disappeared.

"You're going to drop her," the guy told him. "Let me carry her up those stairs."

Alex wasn't going to drop her, he wasn't. Alex took the stairs and even if his body was aching with every step, he made it to the top. The other guy pushed the gurney close and Alex laid Meredith on it only because he had to start an assessment.

"She's not breathing," the guy said. "HEY! Someone come help!"

Alex didn't wait for help - immediate CPR was going to be the best chance to get her back. Alex didn't hesitate, didn't wait. Alex tilted her head back and put his mouth on hers like so many times before - like just two hours ago - and blew instead of kissed her.

Her lips felt like her, but they were cold, icy. They tasted like the water and Alex blew again.

Someone must have joined them to push the gurney because the fireman climbed up to straddle Meredith to do chest compressions while they moved. The girl jogged behind them, Alex was going to buy that kid a freaking pony if Meredith - if she didn't —

No, Alex couldn't think it, he wouldn't.

Alex's body moved on its own when Meredith was lifted up in an ambulance. Someone yelled for the girl to get up front, someone else yelled Alex's name. None of it meant anything, nothing.

"Hook her up and bag her," the EMT said. They weren't words that made sense, Alex was watching the fireman do compressions, waiting for his cue. There were cracks from Meredith's ribs breaking under his hands and Alex would kill him, he would kill him, if he didn't know that he might be saving his girl.

The EMT shouldered Alex away after his next set of breaths and they were moving, Alex stumbled and hit the wall. Alex went to grab the guy, toss him out of his path from Meredith, but he already had the ambu-bag covering her face with the tubing connected to their oxygen tank.

"Swap me," the EMT told the fireman doing compressions. "Don't wear yourself out."

Alex jumped back in to grab their AED and get it hooked to Meredith while they traded places for the CPR. It was Meredith's scrub top he cut through, her tank top he shredded. It was Meredith's underwire bra he cut off, her chest he had to expose, but he couldn't see it.

Meredith couldn't be Meredith or Alex wasn't going to be worth a damn and Meredith needed him.

"Hands off," Alex said, his voice rough and raspy when the AED analyzed for shock. If no shock was advised then she had a pulse… if no shock was advised then Meredith's heart was beating on its own…

"No pulse detected. Delivering shock now."

As soon as the shock was delivered, they went back to the pattern of compressions, air. Compressions, air.

A second shock was delivered when they pulled up to the hospital and the doors were opened.

"Jane Doe, went in the water—"

"It's not Jane Doe," Alex said. It should have been, it should have been some random chick who fell off the ferry and went in the water. If it was, Alex would be able to breathe - Meredith would be breathing.

Alex looked out at Bailey who met the ambulance and he shook his head, tried to force the words out without releasing the horrible feeling he pushed down and trapped in his stomach.

"It's Meredith."

Not a Jane Doe, not some patient. It was Meredith.

Alex followed the gurney in the hospital and didn't even make it past the door of the trauma room they took her to before someone shoved him out and slammed the door in his face and locked it. Bailey had Meredith in there with Webber and Burke and Alex was on the wrong side of the damn doke.

"HEY! HEY!" Alex shouldered the door and he would have fucking broken it. He was a doctor and she needed him, she needed him that time. "LET ME IN!"

"Alex!" Someone grabbed him and Alex shouldered them away and slammed his body against the door again. That time he fell thin and he slid down on the floor with his body resting on the door.

Everything hurt, Alex might as well have been back in the water with his entire body burning from the inside out. It wasn't just his lungs, it was everything. And Meredith, Meredith was the one who made things better.

"Meredith?" Addison was kneeling on the floor beside Alex, trying to force him to sit up. "Alex, Meredith is in there?"

"Addison, you gotta make them let you in," Alex said. He grabbed Addison then, just by the shoulders so he had something to focus on while everything else felt dulled by the pain. "Please, please, you gotta help her. She - she wasn't breathing and she was just in the water."

If Alex blinked, he'd see her in the water.

"Stevens!" Addison yelled over her shoulder and then there was Izzie. Alex couldn't even look at her, she wasn't who he wanted.

"Take Alex to get dry clothes," Addison told her. "Do not fight me, Alex," she added sharply when Alex tried to turn away from her. "Go with Stevens, get dry clothes before you end up in a bed of your own. I'll go in there and check on Meredith, okay? Stevens, come get an update from me after Alex is settled somewhere else."

Alex couldn't have gotten off the ground if he didn't know that Addison would be let in the room once he moved. Addison was good, real good, she might have even been the best damn doctor in the hospital. If Alex made his shaking legs work and he moved, Addison would be there for Meredith.

If Alex couldn't be there, he needed Addison to be there.

Izzie tried to help him up and Alex brushed her off. He grabbed the doorknob and pulled himself to his feet and he wouldn't let himself sway, not one freaking inch.

"Come on," Izzie whispered, all choked up, but not actually crying. She couldn't cry because Alex couldn't comfort her, he was all out of comfort for anyone.

Alex moved his left foot, right. Left foot, right.

People were staring at him, Alex could feel it. It wasn't like he cared, he didn't give a single damn about anyone else.

"She wasn't breathing," Alex told Izzie, just Iz. "We - we did CPR the whole drive and she wasn't breathing."

"Meredith is strong," Izzie told him, touching his elbow lightly to get him to turn. "Meredith's the strongest person I know, she's going to be okay, Alex, I believe it."

Yeah, well, Izzie also believed that she could cut an LVAD wire and date a patient without losing her job so Alex didn't know how much he could trust her.

"Alex!" Yang ran from the locker room just before Alex could go in and strip his wet clothes so he could get back to Meredith. Yang's eyes were blown wide and she only took one look at Alex to step back and cover her mouth. "Mer?"

"They're working on her now," Izzie said when Alex couldn't. "She's got the best possible team. Bailey, Burke, and Webber have her. Doctor Montgomery is going to update us when Alex gets changed."

Yang didn't wait, Yang wasn't being ordered around like a child. Yang took off, flying past them, to get an update quicker.

"Come on," Izzie told Alex. "Get undressed, I'll get you some scrubs. Um… what's your code for the scrubs? Mine probably doesn't work."

Alex told her his code while he yanked his clothes off, not caring who saw him. There were other interns in there, a couple of residents. They were looking at Alex with big pitiful eyes and it made him want to slam their heads in the lockers.

"SHE'S NOT DEAD!" Alex yelled at them when he couldn't take it anymore. A few of them jumped and looked away, more of them shook their heads and started whispering - probably how Alex was insane and Meredith wasn't breathing.

Because Meredith wasn't breathing and it was making Alex insane to see her body floating in the water, her blue lips — no pulse detected.

Izzie brought Alex a new set of scrubs and a men's sweater that was too big for him, but Alex pulled it on anyway. He didn't even think about where Izzie got it until they made it back in the hallway and Denny was there.

"I can go get something for you to eat, maybe a warm drink, or I can shut the fuck up and be silent support," Denny offered immediately.

"I'll go get coffees," Izzie said. "Maybe hot chocolate. Denny, stay with him, please. Don't let him go in the room unless one of the doctors in dark blue tells him he can."

Alex didn't need a babysitter, he didn't need anyone's support. Alex didn't want coffee or hot chocolate, he wanted -

God damn it. All he wanted was to know Meredith was going to be okay.

Addison wasn't in the hall when Alex made it back to the ER. They drew the blinds too, Alex couldn't even see what was going on, who was in there. Alex started to pound on the door and Denny grabbed his arm.

Alex turned around and shoved him and Denny wasn't budging, not one damn step.

"Hey! You want them distracted right now?" Denny asked when Alex pulled a fist back, ready to hit him if he had to. "You want them thinking about you or her, huh?"

Her.

Alex lowered his fist and Denny let go of his other arm. They backed up a few steps and Alex stared at the door, willing Addison to show up with information. Yang joined them and shook her head when Alex looked at her, she didn't know anything yet either.

"How'd it happen?" Yang eventually asked.

"The man pushed her, but I think it was an accident."

All three of them turned to find the girl, the little blonde girl, from the wreck site standing behind them with a woman's arm wrapped protectively around her. The little girl's lip wobbled and she looked up at Alex with almost half as much pain as he felt in her eyes.

"I couldn't help her, I'm sorry," she said. "I'm sorry."

"Katie and I wanted to thank the doctor who helped her and they said - they said she fell in the water?" the mom said.

"She did," Izzie said quietly. "They're working on her now."

The girl sniffled and she walked right up to Alex and threw her arms around his legs, sobbing while she apologized over and over.

"Hey, hey." Alex rubbed her back - he couldn't let some little kid blame herself for what happened. "Katie, this wasn't your fault, okay? I saw you, helping Meredith. And you told me where she was, didn't you? Katie." Alex made her look at him, no matter what happened next, Alex wasn't going to let it rest on her shoulders.

"You were a hero, Katie," he told her, fighting every syllable to keep from croaking or crying. "You are a hero, my hero. Okay?"

"Meredith was being a hero too," Katie told him softly, she had a little lisp, it was kind of breaking Alex's heart. "Is she your best friend?"

"Yeah," Alex said, losing his damn battle against himself. "She's my best friend."

Meredith was Alex's best friend and he wasn't done loving her or being loved by her. They just got started. Meredith just got started. She didn't have a chance to do a solo surgery or win a Harper Avery. She hadn't changed the world yet - only Alex's.

Katie's mom took her back and whispered to Izzie that they would pray for her. They didn't want to stay, Alex didn't blame them. Some people thought if they stood too close to a tragedy it could rub off on them. Katie found her mom, Meredith got her through the whole thing unharmed. They had their miracle.

Alex needed his.

Izzie tried to offer Alex a coffee to drink, he couldn't take it though. Alex paced the hallway, pulling on his head, watching the door, waiting for anything to happen.

How long had she been there? Why didn't they have an update? If she - if… someone had to tell Alex something.

It took forever before the door finally cracked open, not enough for Alex to see Meredith, only enough for Addison to slip out. Addison's eyes were swollen, puffy… as much as Alex wanted an update, he suddenly couldn't hear it.

"Don't," he told her. "Please, don't."

"Alex, I'm so sorry," Addison said - maybe she meant it. "They're working on warming her up, but you all - you, Alex, should prepare yourself."

‘You should prepare yourself'.

That was what they said, what they were told to tell family members when the patient wasn't going to make it. They weren't gone yet, but they were going to be.

That was what they said.

"God damn it. God FUCKING—" Alex spun around to get away from Addison, to get away from where his girlfriend was dying in a hospital bed alone.

Shepherd stood behind Alex, his face crumpled up with grief that he didn't get to have, he didn't deserve to have. Alex took half a step toward him when Denny must have grabbed him, wrapped an arm around Alex's chest and yanked him backward.

"Outside," Addison said, she had to be talking to Denny because Alex wasn't capable of listening anymore. All he could hear was ‘prepare yourself'.

Denny managed to wrangle Alex outside and later that would humiliate him, having a dude who was still on anti-rejection meds and fifty different daily pills moving Alex around like a kid. Alex wrenched free the second they were outside and he clawed at his chest, tried to breathe.

"You wanna hit someone to feel better?" Addison demanded, blocking Alex's view. "You hit me. You pull your fist back and you hit me, Alex Karev. Because I'll let you do it once, I'll let you hit me and not report you because you are losing everything today and it is crap."

"I DON'T CARE!" Alex yelled. "REPORT ME, GO TELL THE CHIEF RIGHT NOW BECAUSE IF MEREDITH IS GONE THEN I'M DONE! I WILL NEVER WALK IN THIS FUCKING HOSPITAL AGAIN, I WILL BE—"

Alex's voice broke and he couldn't breathe. He clawed at his chest and it felt like he was the one drowning, filling up with fluid and suffocating.

"She can't - she can't…" Alex tried to reach out when his vision blurred and Addison was there, grabbing Alex and holding him, letting Alex crumple against her while he wheezed and tried to get any air in his body.

"I know," Addison said. "I know. I'm so sorry, Alex. God, I am so sorry."

"Mer…" Alex said her name because it was the only one he could say. It was a freaking prayer and a plea and it was all he wanted.

Prepare himself? How? How did someone prepare themselves to lose someone so important to them? How did Alex shove everything down to somehow make it acceptable that Meredith freaking Grey was dying? It wasn't acceptable, it wasn't something he could prepare for.

Addison managed to keep Alex standing when he should have knocked her ass to the ground. Alex needed her though, he needed her to keep him up because when - when things changed, that was when Alex was going to end up on the ground.

"Are you okay to go back inside?" Addison asked him when the awful gasps finally slowed and Alex could almost breathe. "If you can't go inside, you can wait in the clinic and Stevens will bring you updates."

No, Alex wasn't going to go wait in some empty building. Alex could go inside, he probably wouldn't even hit Shepherd if he did.

"I'm going to leave you with Stevens and Denny," Addison said, lecturing Alex on their way inside. "I need to check on the Jane Doe you brought in. You did good with her, Alex. I think she's going to wake up soon."

Alex nodded, but he didn't know or care what Addison was talking about. All he could see was Meredith floating in the water with ‘prepare yourself' playing on a loop. Alex wasn't a doctor anymore, he wasn't useful to anyone. There was a disaster and broken bodies in the ER, but Alex walked past them blindly, only thinking of the one person who mattered.

Webber was standing outside Meredith's room with his head bowed and Alex's heart sank, that was it then.

"Karev…" Webber looked up when Alex joined him and Izzie and he put on a brave face, but Alex saw his grief too. "We're warming her up now," Webber said. "Her body temperature was - well, we're warming her and we're hoping… we're hoping that it'll help her heart restart."

Because Meredith was dead. Meredith had been down too long but a patient wasn't dead until they were warm and dead. They were going to warm Meredith up and they would call it.

"I should get back in there," Webber said when Alex couldn't reply. If Alex opened his mouth, he was going to scream or cry again. "Karev, I'm - we're here for you, all of us."

Alex didn't need them to be there for him, he needed them to do their damn jobs, save Meredith. Alex needed a miracle, Meredith needed a miracle.

Denny pulled a chair up for Alex to sit in and he sat against the door under the window instead, trying to get as close as he could. Izzie sat on one side of him, Denny sat on the other.

"Stay with him," Addison told Izzie. "I'll be back as soon as I can."

"Okay," Izzie said. "Thank you."

Alex pulled his knees up and tucked his face in them, he didn't need the whole hospital watching him break down. All Alex wanted to do was wait to hear the worst news he'd ever hear so he could see Meredith again.

Then Izzie had to start talking.

"I believe that Meredith is going to live," Izzie told him while she rubbed his back. "I believe she's so strong, the strongest of us all. Denny - Denny received a miracle, Meredith will too, Alex. I believe it."

Izzie was a fucking idiot though who lost her job until her fiancé bought her an opening.

"Yeah, but I don't think there's any LVAD wires to cut in this case," Denny murmured, quietly enough that only the three of them could hear him.

And that was messed up, that was so freaking messed up. Alex didn't know how Denny could joke about it, how he could even—

Alex's throat burned again and a God awful sound ripped from his mouth. It was sick, it was sick and Alex must have gone crazy, because it was a laugh. Alex looked over at Denny's perfectly serious face and he laughed because it was so messed up.

"Denny, Jesus…" Izzie said, her voice shaking. "What is wrong with you?"

"What? I'm just saying! If there are though, Iz, you slip in and do the snipping and Alex and I will find her a heart. You've got the experience, honey."

That was sick too, that was so sick. Alex pictured Izzie sneaking in Meredith's room like some spy from a lame movie, cutting her cords and sneaking back out, and he laughed until he was crying again - crying like a damn baby.

"You're sick," Alex told Denny, wiping his eyes while his stomach cramped from the force of his own sick laughter. "You're messed up in the head, dude."

"I am marrying a sick, sick man," Izzie said. "God."

"Hey, you loved—"

"CODE BLUE, ROOM 27. CODE BLUE, ROOM 27."

Alex pulled his feet in when nurses with a crash cart ran past them, Shepherd following them. It wasn't Meredith's room where they ran - there was no reason to run in her room, it had been too long since she went down.

"Alex." Izzie's hand clenched on the back of Alex's shirt when they watched the crash team and Shepherd run in one of the private rooms. "Isn't that where Meredith's mom is?"

Alex's laughter from the nightmare of a day, his laughter from Denny's sick jokes and the insanity of his girlfriend dying behind him, dried up insanely. Alex pushed himself right to his feet and walked that way slowly. He wasn't going to be able to save her, Alex's hands were shaking like some junkie, but it was Meredith's mom and as much as Meredith couldn't stand the woman, she loved her too.

The crash team was working Meredith's mom while Alex stood in the doorway and watched. Shepherd was barking orders, commanding them to push epi and shock in cycles. Ellis was stretched out on the bed, her arms curling backward and her back arching.

Alex wasn't going to be there when Meredith died, but he watched her mom die. Alex stood in the doorway until Shepherd threw the remote off the bedside table and shattered it against the wall.

"Time of death, 1826," he said.

They were going to have the same date on their tombstone because Ellis, a selfish hateful woman who didn't appreciate the amazing person she created, couldn't even let Meredith have that. Ellis wouldn't even let Meredith die on her own day, she wanted to make sure the attention was on her.

Shepherd saw Alex in the doorway and their eyes met. Alex hated the guy, he did. Shepherd was a douche, he didn't appreciate Meredith either, he treated her like scum until he changed his mind and wanted his second place option.

"I'm sorry, Karev," Shepherd told him. When Shepherd walked past him, Alex didn't hit him even when Shepherd briefly put his hand on Alex's shoulder. "God, I'm sorry."

Shepherd wasn't sorry, he didn't know. Shepherd thought he loved Meredith but people don't treat people they love the way he did her. Alex loved her and Meredith loved him.

They were supposed to grow together, they were supposed to become great together. They were going to finish their intern year together, then kick ass as residents. They would have fought each other for Chief Resident, Meredith would have won and Alex wouldn't have minded. They could have stayed in Seattle and one day fought to be Chief of Surgery at their hospital.

Maybe they would have gotten married one day, maybe they would have said screw the Alzheimer's, screw the schizophrenia, and tried to be good parents together.

They were supposed to have years and years together, not months.

Alex stared at Ellis on the bed and thought about what Meredith would have looked like, never acted like though. The crash team left one at a time and Alex saw Ellis's face, saw the peace he didn't think she deserved.

Ellis didn't kill Meredith, but Alex couldn't help thinking that she didn't help her live either.

"ALEX!" Izzie grabbed Alex's shoulder suddenly and wrenched him backward, knocking him from the exhausted haze that his brain slipped in. Izzie was pulling him, making Alex's legs stumble while he tried to find his footing again.

"It's Meredith!" Izzie said. "Hurry!"

Alex could watch Ellis die because she wasn't Meredith, Alex could watch her take her final breath because he didn't love her, she wasn't his best friend. Alex didn't know if he could watch Meredith die, he didn't know if he was strong enough to see her body as slack and peaceful as Ellis's had been.

It didn't matter, Izzie was pulling him and Alex couldn't let Meredith go alone like her mom did. Alex wanted to hold her hand, tell her he loved her one more time. Even if she couldn't hear him, Alex had to tell her. He should have said it more, he should have told her as often as he could.

Burke and Bailey were outside Meredith's room and Bailey was crying freely while she looked up at the ceiling and Burke had Yang under his arm, their heads bowed together. Izzie shoved Alex past them, she shoved Alex in the room and there was Meredith.

Meredith wasn't blue anymore, she had some color to her face. It tricked Alex at first because if she was snoring, Alex would think she was only sleeping.

Then the monitor beeped and Alex's eyes flew to it, flew to the cardiac monitor that showed sinus rhythm.

"We barely got her back," Webber told him. Webber was on his knees by Meredith's bed, exhausted by the actual lifesaving work he did. "We don't - Alex, we don't know what her brain function will be. She was down a long time."

"You - you got her back?" Alex said, not trusting what he heard or even what he saw. Addison told him to prepare himself, Meredith had been dead in the water.

"It wasn't just us," Bailey said, sneaking back up on Alex. "You saved her, Karev. If you hadn't started CPR immediately…"

"She's gonna live?" Alex repeated. He couldn't step any closer until he knew for sure.

"She's going to live," Webber said.

"Chief…" Shepherd stuck his head in behind Alex. "You better come. It's - it's Ellis Grey."

Webber swore quietly and stood up to get to the woman he loved and lost while Alex took his place beside Meredith. He couldn't believe it, he couldn't. Alex thought he was going to lose her, he was going to have to find a way to prepare himself for the gaping hole he would have felt without her.

And she was going to live.

Alex took Meredith's hand and someone gave him a seat so he wasn't kneeling on the floor. It wasn't close enough, it wasn't enough for Alex to hear her heart beat or hear her breathing on her own. Alex carefully picked her up and moved her over so he could lay on the bed beside her and just stroke her hair, listen to all the signs of life that he thought he'd never hear again.

"Mer… babe, I need you to wake up," Alex whispered to her. "I need to see your eyes, just for a second, please. You put me through hell, the least you could do is open your eyes for me."

Because Alex was selfish. It wasn't enough that she didn't die, Alex needed to know that she wasn't gorked either, that she wasn't going to wake up and wish she was dead with no brain function.

Alex got one miracle and he wanted more.

It took hours maybe, Alex only counted Meredith's breaths, not the minutes on the clock. It was dark though, the windows were completely black when Meredith finally began to stir, finally began to respond to Alex's whispers.

"Mer? Meredith?" Alex asked. He cupped her face, tried to turn her toward him. "Meredith, say something. Say anything. Hey, can you hear me?"

Meredith's lips moved and Alex thought she was gorked when she didn't say anything at first. Alex thought about how much she would hate that, to be brain dead and lose the future she worked her ass off for.

"Ow," Meredith whispered. Her eyelids were fluttering and Alex wanted to wait to see her eyes, he did because God he thought he'd never see them again, but he laughed because she said ow and Alex was probably hurting her with his voice and he was kissing her face, whispering nonsense in between each kiss.

Alex was a selfish bastard who asked for two miracles and somehow got them both granted.

March 14th

Alex didn't know what he expected when he walked inside after work, but Meredith and Yang standing in the living room in matching pink dresses definitely wasn't it.

"One word and I will end you," Yang immediately hissed at him. It wasn't all that scary when she was literally sparkling every time she moved.

"You look like barbies," Alex said. "Why do you look like barbies?"

"Because Izzie is wedding planning," Meredith said, rolling her eyes at him. "And apparently it's not optional to be a bridesmaid."

Alex looked around the rest of the living room then and saw that there were like fifty freaking dresses everywhere, each one pretty much identical to the ones Meredith and Yang wore. There were also white dresses and flowers and it looked like a wedding shop yacked all over their place.

"Right," Alex said. "Did you remind Izzie that you still have three broken ribs and another week of bed rest before you're supposed to be walking around and trying on dresses?"

"No, because it's March 14th," Meredith said, pointing to the calendar. It was the calendar Alex hung up, the one that he wrote on when Meredith was allowed to be up and moving. And… crap. It was the 14th and Meredith was allowed to be up and Alex shouldn't bitch about it, except she died.

Meredith died a month ago so sue Alex if he wanted her to stay in bed a little while longer.

"Oooh!" Izzie walked down the stairs dressed in the fluffiest white dress that Alex had ever seen and she clapped when she saw Meredith and Yang in their dresses. "You guys look great!"

"Iz! You look great!" Meredith said. She had to be trying to get out of trying on dresses, because Meredith wasn't some pom pom girl who stood around trying on dresses and smiling over fluffy white fabric.

"Yeah?" Izzie stopped at the bottom of the stairs and spun around. "You guys like it?"

"It's great," Yang said flatly. "Very pretty. You look like a princess. Now, do you like these? Because all this pink is making me itch."

"They aren't pink," Izzie said, walking around them to see the dresses. "They're rose gold, Cristina. And I don't know, do you guys think the blush pink was better?"

Oh yeah, Alex wasn't going to stand there while Izzie pretended any of those dresses were any different than the others.

Torres was in the kitchen, hiding from the insanity, and she passed Alex a beer. "I knew Stevens was insane, I didn't realize the depth of it," she whispered. "Jesus Christ."

"How come you're not out there in a dress?" Alex asked, popping the beer open and taking a long drink.

"I'm not a bridesmaid," Torres said, sounding real relieved about that. "I'm surprised she doesn't have a dozen suits for you to try on though. You know they've been putting on dresses for two hours?"

Alex shook his head, they were better friends than Alex was. There was no way that he was—

"Alex!" Izzie was still in her poofy dress when she popped in the kitchen, holding up an armful of ties. "Okay, so we're going with satin rose gold, so this is your tie." She handed him one and Alex held it out, more than a little confused why he needed a pink tie. "And what are your measurements? I think Denny's going to try tuxedos on this weekend, but I know you're probably working."

"Why the hell do I need a tuxedo?" Alex asked. "Iz, I've got a freaking suit. I will look fine. I don't need a tuxedo."

"You - wait." Izzie stared at Alex with her head tilted. "Did Denny not tell you?"

"Tell me what?"

"You're his best man!" Izzie beamed.

Alex tried to make that make sense to him, but maybe it was because he was so freaking tired, maybe it was because he thought most of the shit Izzie said was insane…

"I was really glad when Denny said you'd be his best man because I was going to ask Meredith to be my maid of honor," Izzie said, chattering away. "So it's like perfect, right? So then I asked Cristina to be a bridesmaid and Denny doesn't really have a lot of guy friends anymore, but he's been talking to Burke a lot while we set up the clinic so he's totally asking him too. Isn't that just perfect?"

"Uh…" Alex looked past Izzie and saw Meredith giving him a shit eating grin from the doorway, apparently just as amused by Alex being put on the spot as Alex had been by her Barbie dress.

"Yeah, perfect," Alex said. Perfectly sucky, because Alex really didn't have time to go shopping for a tuxedo and he didn't really know what a best man was supposed to do. But Izzie seemed really happy and honestly Alex probably would have starved to death during the week Meredith spent in the hospital without Izzie and Denny.

Mostly Denny, really. Izzie kept bringing shit like weird bread sandwiches and low-carb casserole. Denny brought burgers, so maybe being his best man wouldn't suck.

Either way, Alex could suck it up and be a good friend or whatever.

"Great!" Izzie said. "Okay, get me your measurements soon, I'll be in the clinic all weekend - can you believe it's opening on Monday? Then we can get you fitted and everyone's going to look great!"

Izzie dashed off again, a big ball of blonde hair and white poofiness and Meredith took Alex's beer from him to take a drink of.

"Sooo great," Meredith laughed. "Isn't this all just soo amazing and magical?"

"It's super magical," Torres said sarcastically. "If I ever turn in to whatever that is, someone kill me."

"Thank God Cristina isn't going to put me through this again," Meredith sighed. "I'm pretty sure her and Burke are just going to the courthouse then going right back to work."

"Damn right we are!" Yang yelled. It took her a second to shed the pink dress, but then she joined them in the kitchen too. Torres passed out beers to everyone and Alex said Yang's shiny new engagement ring on a chain around her neck.

Everyone was getting married apparently. Yang and Burke, Izzie and Denny. It was like the season of freaking weddings.

"Shit." Alex looked over at Meredith and realized maybe he was an idiot. "Do you want to get married?" he asked. Because maybe she did? Maybe she was waiting for Alex to ask her so she could get her own poofy white dress and make her friends try on a dozen pink dresses.

Meredith choked on her beer and actually sprayed it from her mouth, barely missing painting Torres with Miller Lite.

"What?" Meredith asked, her eyes watering when she looked at Alex. "No? Why? Do you want to get married?"

"Should we leave?" Torres asked Yang.

"No, I love seeing Evil Spawn dig himself in holes."

Alex wasn't digging himself in any hole, he just suddenly worried that maybe Meredith was secretly a chick who wanted to get hitched soon.

"God no," Alex told Meredith. "I just - uh… I was checking. You know, cause everyone else is doing it."

Which was probably a crappy reason to get married. Alex was tired, he was so damn tired. It had been the longest month of his life - spending a week in the hospital with Meredith between his shifts, then helping Meredith get home and forcing her to stay in bed. They had to have her mom cremated, which Alex kind of thought Meredith might cry about, but she only stuffed the urn in the back of their closet without saying a word.

And Alex was sleeping like shit. As soon as he'd start to fall asleep, he'd think about Meredith floating in the water, he'd think about Addison telling him to prepare himself.

All in all, Alex had better months.

"Maybe, and I'm just shooting ideas here, but maybe you don't propose to your girlfriend by saying ‘shit, do you want to get married?'," Torres said, snorting at Alex. "You kind of suck at proposals."

"It wasn't a proposal," Alex scowled. "I was making sure Izzie and Yang weren't like infecting her or something."

"Hey! I am not in the same category as Izzie," Yang said. "Burke gave me the ring, I thought about it for a couple of days, and then agreed. Do you see me turning this place into a bridal shop?"

"Wow. That's somehow even less romantic than Karev." Torres shook her head at them all. "How am I the single one here?"

"Because you're busy screwing Sloan," Alex reminded her.

"Mark and I are over," Torres said. "Addison didn't tell you? They've got some sex bet going on."

"Even I've heard about the sex bet and I've been stuck here for a month," Meredith said. "I told you about it."

Did she? Alex was pretty sure he'd remember hearing about a sex bet between Addison and Sloan.

"If Mark makes it sixty days without sex then they're going to give their relationship a go again," Torres explained. "I think Mark has his own dumb calendar for it."

The calendar wasn't dumb, the calendar was the only thing Alex could think of to keep Meredith in bed while he had to work. Alex couldn't go to work and take care of patients if he had to worry about Meredith the whole time.

She died, she was dead. They got her back, but she died. One month was barely enough time to recover from death. Her mom died, Meredith died; Meredith wasn't talking about either of them. One month was not enough time.

"Who has a calendar for what?" Izzie asked, bouncing back in the room in normal clothes. "For the clinic? Oh my God, are you guys so excited? It's going to be amazing. Bailey said she'd find an intern to help cover so we'll get to work together again! Yay!"

"If I get stuck in that clinic, I swear to God I will step on your dress at the wedding," Yang said. "It's a clinic, Izzie. We are surgical interns. We do not need to wipe noses and give out itch cream."

Izzie looked at Alex then, all sad and mopey. "Alex?"

"I've got my Jane Doe, Addison hasn't let me leave her side all month," Alex said. "Sorry."

"Meredith?"

Meredith reached behind Alex and pinched him, hard, while she smiled for Izzie. "Sure, Iz, that sounds great. I'll ask Bailey if I can be there on Monday."

"Great!" Izzie brightened right up and shook a finger at Alex and Yang. "You two are going to be so jealous if a headache comes in and it turns out to be some super badass neuro surgery."

No, Alex really wouldn't. Alex had at least five more badass surgeries he was going to get from his Jane Doe case. The pregnant chick Alex rescued from the ferry sight had facial reconstructive surgeries, a fetal surgery to inflate the fetus's crushed left lung, a cardiac surgery after the baby was born, a GI repair, and at least two more surgeries to be done on her brain.

Addison told all the attendings that Alex saved her, he got to be the intern on every one of her surgeries. It meant that Alex only had one patient, but he was going to clock a ton of hours in different specialties.

"Oh yeah, we'll be jealous," Yang said. "And speaking of which, I need to go. Burke has a piggyback surgery in the morning that I'm scrubbing in for."

"I should go too," Izzie said. "Is it okay if I leave these dresses here? I can pick them up and return the ones we aren't using next week?"

Meredith told Izzie it was fine while Alex scrounged around for something to eat. There was cold pizza in the fridge, it was better than nothing. Alex had enough time for three slices of pizza, then six hours of sleep before he had to be back at the hospital.

"What's the rush?" Torres asked him, watching with her nose scrunched as Alex tried to eat as quickly as he could. "You're going to choke if you don't chew."

Alex didn't need to chew if he followed each bite with a drink of beer. It was science - dude science.

"He probably has an amazing surgery in the morning," Meredith said. She sat at the kitchen counter and drank her beer more slowly. "Everyone's had amazing surgeries except for me. No mom, no amazing surgery."

Torres glanced at Alex and he shrugged a little. What was he supposed to say to that? She died, she didn't need a surgery where she'd need to stand around for twelve hours while her ribs were still broken. And it wasn't like Alex could bring Ellis back from the dead, he probably wouldn't if he could.

"You can get an amazing surgery tomorrow," Torres told Meredith. "Oh, hey! I have an amazing surgery tomorrow! We're rebuilding a woman's spine!"

"Really? That'd be great!” Meredith beamed, all excited and shiny and Alex really didn’t want to burst her bubble, but...

"That's like a ten hour surgery," Alex pointed out. "You really want to do a ten hour surgery on your first day back?"

"Alex, I'm fine," Meredith said. "Really, I'm okay. I'm cleared to go back to work and I want to go back to work. You don't need to worry."

Yeah, Alex did have to worry because she died.

As much as Alex wished Bailey would stick Meredith on scut or something to take her first day back easy, Torres requested her and Bailey let her go. Alex was sent to OB, Yang was already with Burke.

"Hey, don't forget to drink some water and step out of surgery if you need to," Alex reminded Meredith before they got on the elevator together. "Nobody's going to think you're weak or whatever if you need a break."

"I won't need a break because I am fine," Meredith said.

Yeah, Meredith was fine. Meredith was always fine, except for when she was dead.

"Just promise me," Alex said. "I can't focus on my patient if I'm worrying about you all day."

"I will be in the OR, with Callie - who is an orthopedic surgical resident - and nothing will happen," Meredith said. "If, for whatever insane reason, I think I need to step out, I will. Are you happy?"

Honestly? No. Meredith went to assist in a MCI and she died. So anything could happen at any time and Alex couldn't go through that again.

"Yeah, sure." Alex sighed when the elevator dinged for his floor and he bent over to kiss Meredith quickly. "Just be smart, okay? I love you."

"I'm always smart," Meredith said while Alex walked away, toward the patient he was assigned to.

Except for when she was dying, of course.

Alex checked Jane Doe's chart first and saw that she was on the schedule for the first facial reconstruction surgery that day. Sloan was scheduled to do a consult with her in an hour, giving Alex enough time to get a fresh assessment on her and the baby before reporting to Addison.

For a chick with more problems than anyone Alex knew, Jane Doe was an alright patient. She had no memory of who she was before the crash, no idea of how she even ended up on the ferry, but she was retaining new information just fine.

"Alex." She struggled to sit up and Alex quickly pressed the button on her bed for her so she didn't put any strain on herself. "I heard that Meredith's back today."

"Yeah, her first day back," Alex said. So maybe he spent too much time with her and got comfortable talking, whatever. It wasn't like she had any family surrounding her bedside to keep her entertained. "How'd you sleep?"

"Like crap," she said. It was hard to not feel a twist in his stomach when she grinned - her face was so damn messed up, it almost didn't seem real. The swelling from the injuries had finally gone down so Sloan could operate, but the features themselves were still rough.

"The nurses kept coming in and waking me up and this girl," she placed her hand on her stomach, "was kicking me. I think she's ready to come out."

"Well she needs to wait just a while longer," Alex said. "Doctor Montgomery said when you hit thirty-two weeks that she'd deliver, but hopefully her surgery keeps her in there until at least thirty-six weeks."

"That's probably good," Jane said. "I don't even know what to name her. I mean, what if I wanted to name her after myself and now I don't know her name? What if her dad picked a name?"

"You should name her after yourself, I think Jane Doe Junior's a great name," Alex joked. What was he supposed to say? She was right. "Or Alexis, you can call her Alex for short."

It made Jane laugh anyway, distracting her from her shitty life for a minute.

"Does that ever work?" she asked.

"Not yet," he admitted. "One day though, someone's going to name their kid after me."

"Maybe you and Meredith can have kids and name them all Alex and Meredith Junior," she said. Alex was almost finished with his morning assessment, he just hated leaving her alone with nothing except the TV and nurses gossip to keep her mind off everything.

Alex used her to keep his mind off Meredith, it seemed like a fair trade to try and help her out too.

"Oh I don't think kids are coming up soon," Alex said. He sat on the foot of her bed to finish filling out her chart. "Her friends are getting married, Izzie and Yang, so last night I asked her if she wanted to get married."

"Woah! You proposed?" Jane asked.

"Uh… not exactly. I think what I said was ‘shit, do you want to get married?'"

Jane laughed hard enough that Alex had to grin too, because it had been really freaking stupid. It was also enough for him to not feel like a douche for leaving her by herself for a while so he could check in with Addison.

And maybe check on Meredith if he had time before Sloan's consult.

Addison let Alex give her his report as quickly as he could then tried to stall him by talking about the race for Chief of Surgery that Alex didn't give a damn about just then.

"Hey, can we talk later?" he asked, interrupting her. "I wanna check on Meredith before Sloan gets up here for Jane Doe. It's her first day back and Torres put her in a ten hour surgery."

"Oh, sure," Addison said. She grinned at Alex and sighed dramatically, "I wish someone would care about me that much."

"From what I heard, someone will in another month," Alex smirked, raising his eyebrows at her. "A sex bet with Sloan, seriously?"

"Ahem." Addison cleared her throat and pushed her glasses back on her face. "As your superior, I am going to professionally refrain from discussing my romantic life with you."

"Aka, you're embarrassed," Alex scoffed. "Which, you kind of should be, I mean - either be with him or not, waiting two months to get laid doesn't prove if he'll cheat or not, it's just making a game out of a relationship."

"Don't you have a girlfriend to go hover over?" Addison asked. "Shoo. Go."

Alex did, but it wasn't 'hovering', it was Alex making sure Meredith wasn't passed out or dehydrated or crying over her still busted ribs. It was Alex making sure that Meredith wasn't going to die again.

That wasn't hovering.

Meredith was in the OR with Torres like she said she would be and Alex stood in the scrub room for a few minutes, watching her. He didn't even realize how much he had been sure she was hurt until he felt the relief at seeing her standing there, holding suction for Torres.

Alex had been so sure that something had been wrong, so freaking sure. It was all he'd been thinking about, even while working, and that was sick and it was frustrating. Alex was a surgical intern, he couldn't be trying to worry about his patients and Meredith both.

There were always going to be dying patients and Alex was never going to forget how easily, how quickly, Meredith died. Alex looked away from her for two minutes and she was gone - gone and then dead.

How the hell was he supposed to forget that?

Alex only made it back to Jane Doe's room right after Sloan walked in. Alex only missed probably thirty seconds, but Sloan gave him a dirty look anyway.

"As I was saying," Sloan said pointedly, "this surgery is relatively simple, I've performed it hundreds of times. When we're finished, you'll have your looks restored."

Jane had a stack of photos on her lap, computer generated ideas of what she could look like after surgery. "But these are all so different?" she said. "How do I - how do I know which one looks the most like me?"

"They'll all match your general bone structure," Sloan told her. "The features will be slightly different though. I apologize we can't do more, without knowing what you looked like before it's difficult to guess."

"But my family?" Jane's eyes were watering and Alex hated that, he hated that she was going to be alone. "They won't be able to find me if I don't look right!"

"Hey, they will," Alex said, jumping in even if Sloan was being extra bitchy. Clearly not getting laid was getting to the guy. "These aren't all that different and there's blood typing and we have the dad's DNA from the baby. We're going to find them, okay? And you'll want to have killer new looks when they show up."

"And you have some time to decide," Addison told her gently. "We're going to start the surgery in an hour. Take that time to go through the photos, see if one feels right, okay?"

Jane nodded and Addison smiled when she and Sloan passed Alex, giving him some time to make sure Jane wasn't going to get herself worked up over what really was a permanent decision. Jane was Alex's patient, Alex's dozen guaranteed surgeries, it was his job to keep her from freaking out and sending her into shock or straight to the psych floor.

"None of these feel just right," Jane told Alex, flipping through the three pictures quickly. "I don't know who I am, what I should look like…"

"Let me see." Alex took the photos and took some time to look through them. The facial shape was different, the noses were a little off, they were basically the same though.

"Alright, well, this one," Alex held up the first photo, "we'll call her Emma. Emma's probably a librarian or a teacher, right? But after work, she's anything but boring. I bet she was going to name her daughter after some chick from a book - like Juliette."

"Juliette? I like that," Jane said. "I don't know if I'm an Emma though…"

"Then here, look at this one." Alex held up option two. "This is… Amber. Amber's probably a nurse or a CNA, because she likes taking care of others. I think she's kind of a hippie though, like real weird about candles and stars, so she definitely picked a hippie name for her kid - Luna or Jade or something."

"You think I could be a nurse?" Jane asked. "That - that would be cool."

"Yeah? So maybe you're an Amber," Alex said. "But there's also this one and she's… hm… she's Ava." Alex held up the third photo. "Ava's hardcore, super into rock and probably wears a lot of black. She's a real softy though, probably nuts about animals, always taking in strays and shit like that. I bet she'd name her kid Raven or Fawn, something animal based."

"Ava?" Jane took the third photo from Alex and stared at it for a few seconds. "I - I think I like that, Ava."

"Alright then," Alex said encouragingly. "You want me to let Doctor Montgomery know you picked a face?"

"Yes, please," Jane said. She leaned toward Alex and lowered her voice, "But I think you should talk to your girlfriend first, she looks really mad."

Jane looked over Alex's shoulder and when he turned around, there was Meredith, looking pretty pissed.

Meredith followed Alex out of the room and waited until he closed the door to start angry-hissing at him.

"What was that?" she asked. "Checking up on me while I'm in surgery?"

"So?" Alex asked. "I wanted to make sure you were alright. Is that a problem?"

"It is when everyone in this hospital is looking at me like I'm fragile or going crazy!" Meredith snapped. "I need to be treated like everyone else!"

"How? How do you get treated like everyone else? You died," Alex reminded her. "You died and your mom died and you were dead, Meredith! Who cares if they act like it? At least they're not pretending it didn't happen!"

"I am not pretending anything!" Meredith yelled right back. "I know I died. I know my mom is dead. It doesn't mean I can't do my job!"

"ENOUGH!" Sloan walked out of Addison's office and glared at both of them. "Are you seriously screaming at each other on an OB floor? Right outside of a patient room?"

Alex tried to breathe, calm himself down. "Doctor Sloan, we were just —"

"No, I don't care," Sloan said. "My surgery is important, that patient is the one who is fragile. If you can't act like a competent doctor, you're off this surgery, Karev."

"What? No." Alex looked for Addison, saw her standing just behind Sloan. "I've been on this from the start, I've done all the work for it."

"You're distracted today, Karev," Addison said, nowhere near as bitchy as Sloan. "And you're almost at your hours, sit this one out."

Alex's jaw clenched while he tried to keep himself from spitting every angry word that was building in him. Alex wanted to call Sloan a dick, tell Addison she was kissing Sloan's ass because of their bet - but Addison wasn't wrong. Alex was distracted, he wasn't on top of his game and she told him from day one he had to be above the bar on every case, every time.

"Fine," Alex said, short and clipped, the best he could do at the time. Addison didn't seem offended and Sloan could go to hell for all he cared. Alex turned on his heel and stormed away, ignoring Meredith when she called after him.

"Alex! Stop!" she yelled. "We need to talk!"

"No, we don't," Alex said. "You should go jump that surgery, Meredith. Since you're so freaking fine, go scrub in on my patient and my surgery."

"Oh, come on! I so did not just steal your surgery!"

"Just shut up!" Alex spun around and glared at her, hating himself because he couldn't just shut up about it all. Meredith's damn ribs were broken, she died. She stood there pissed off at him for what? For giving a damn?

Fine. He wouldn't. It was easy.

"Alex." Meredith looked hurt, but she was the one doing it - the one pretending everything was fine when Alex couldn't freaking sleep and he couldn't breathe because she had died and she could die again so easily.

People died every day and they couldn't always save them, sometimes they had to tell people to prepare themselves and that was it.

"I'm done," Alex told her quietly, not yelling, but not exactly being his best either. "You're mad I care? Great. I don't care anymore."

And then, with everything in him telling him to stop - to just slow his stupid self down and apologize, Alex walked away.

March 17

It would be dramatic to say that it had been the worst weekend of Meredith's life. There were so many other weekends where Meredith had been much more unhappy, like the weekend she spent lost in Barcelona on her backpacking trip with her friends.

That had been horrible - Meredith lost her friends and then she twisted her ankle and she thought she heard a bear and she had no water and became convinced that she was going to die. She was saved, of course, by a friendly old man who pointed out that in her drunken state, Meredith had only wandered about half of a mile into the woods beside the hotel where she and her friends were staying.

In hindsight, that had been more humiliating than awful though, so maybe it wasn't the worst weekend of her life.

The day she died had been pretty rough. Meredith didn't remember a lot about the whole dead part, but waking up to find out even morphine wasn't going to cut the pain and being told that her mother died hadn't been a good time either.

Meredith thought that when she got home after her first shift back on Saturday that Alex would be there and they could talk. With hindsight being a bitch and all, Meredith really didn't need to snap at Alex for just checking on her during her surgery with Callie. It wasn't like he interrupted in any way, not like how Chief Webber did when he walked in the OR to ask how Meredith was doing.

Then a nurse stopped Meredith in the hallway to offer her condolences on ‘Meredith's loss'. Then one of the men who worked in the cafeteria told Meredith not to worry about paying for the cupcake she picked because he was also ‘sorry for her loss'.

Pity cupcakes? They were disgusting.

So what did Meredith do? She threw away the stupid cupcake and then yelled at Alex because of all the people who checked on her that day, he was the only one she could yell at.

Meredith planned a whole apology, even if Alex had been an ass, and she never got to deliver it because Alex never came home. Alex wasn't there Saturday night, he wasn't there Sunday after her shift, and when Meredith woke up for work on Monday morning - still no Alex.

"He's avoiding me." Meredith slammed her locker hard on Monday morning when she got to the hospital and still couldn't find Alex. "We have one stupid fight and he storms away and then avoids me! What is wrong with him?"

"Maybe because he was worried about you and you yelled at him for it?" Cristina suggested with a shrug. "You made Evil Spawn's heart grow three sizes and then stomped all over it."

That was not what Meredith did and Alex was the one who said he was finished. Was that it? Were they really over just like that?

"Would you have been happy if Burke checked on you during a surgery?" Meredith asked. Meredith might not have even noticed Alex in the scrub room, but Callie had laughed about it and then asked if Meredith needed a break and it was all so infuriating.

Meredith didn't want or need to be reminded about that day - it had sucked, the whole thing sucked, but it was over. All she wanted to do was move on and it wasn't happening with people bringing it up all the time.

"Would I have been happy? No," Cristina said. "Would I have sucked it up because it made Burke happy? Maybe. It's like this marriage thing, right? Do I want to be married? No, it's an archaic and outdated concept meant to assign women to men for ownership like cattle. But Burke wants to be married, so I'm sucking it up."

"That's a great speech," Meredith said. She sat on the bench by Cristina to quickly tie her shoes, hoping that Alex would walk through the door any second. "I think you should give it at your wedding."

"No wedding, only city hall," Cristina said. "Quick, easy, Burke's happy, we come right back to work."

"If you say so," Meredith said skeptically. Burke really didn't seem like a ‘city hall' kind of man. "Or he takes you home and tries to breed you like cattle so that you can be all pregnant and barefooted in a kitchen."

"Ugh." Cristina hopped up and started pulling her hair back so they could go get their assignments for the day. "Don't ever wish that on me again, I'm not Izzie."

No, she definitely wasn't Izzie.

Meredith listened to Cristina talk about the surgery she wanted to see that day, a brain matter transplant that Derek was performing, while she watched for Alex on their way to Bailey. The brain matter transplant was amazing, it would be a first if Derek pulled it off - Meredith would love to be on the case if she could.

Alex usually went to OB or peds and with his Jane Doe patient, Meredith assumed he would be back with her. Cristina might try and jump the neuro case, but Meredith was hoping she could get it first. It had been months since Meredith was on neuro's service, it would be great if enough time passed that she could work with Derek without things being horrible between them.

It would have been great if Meredith got assigned to that case - which was probably precisely why she didn't.

"Yang, Doctor Shepherd needs an intern today," Bailey said when she saw them. "Grey, Doctor Stevens asked for an intern for the opening day of the clinic, she said you volunteered."

"What? No, wait!" Meredith forgot, with Alex's big disappearance act, about the clinic. Izzie's big, amazing, boring free clinic and Meredith's offer to work it on its opening day.

"Please, Doctor Bailey, I'd really rather not," Meredith explained. "I told Izzie I'd do it because I was being a good friend and I didn't want to hurt her feelings."

"Ooh, that's why?" Bailey nodded like she understood. "Okay then, so I suppose since you only volunteered to be a good friend that you should be that good friend and get down there to work."

"It's a clinic," Meredith said - she was not whining, not yet. "Does it really need a surgical intern?"

"No, probably not," Bailey said. "But you interns are the lowest of the pecking order in this hospital. You think you're not, but you are. So I am telling you that you will go work the clinic for Stevens today and if you say one more word about it, you'll be there for a month. Am I understood?"

"Perfectly," Meredith said with a forced smile. As soon as Bailey turned away, Meredith let it drop and she groaned. "A brain matter transplant, Cristina. I'm missing a groundbreaking new neurological surgery that could cure an infinite number of genetic diseases for a free clinic."

"Yeah, you are." Cristina patted Meredith's shoulder, just once. "I'd love to stay and talk about it with you, but I have to go round on this groundbreaking new patient."

It should have been difficult to hate her best friend so fiercely, but Cristina made it easy for her sometimes.

The Seattle Grace free clinic sat on the other side of the ambulance strip outside of the ER. The building used to be a dermatology center until they added a wing to the hospital for it, then it sat empty until Denny bought it for Izzie.

It was a very generous thing for Denny to do and Meredith really was happy that Izzie had a job she loved and that so many people would benefit from the clinic. Meredith just didn't want to be stuck working in the clinic when she could be watching or assisting in surgeries that would actually help her own career.

Izzie was extra sparkly and happy when Meredith entered the clinic and started looking around. Everything looked great, really. There were beds lined up, mimicking the ER in a way. It seemed like there were plenty of supplies, though Meredith had no idea how they would cover the cost of Izzie's salary as Director, the staff hired, or the replacement supplies needed.

"This looks great, Izzie," Meredith told Izzie genuinely. "I really think you're going to help so many people."

"It's amazing," Izzie said, smiling so hard it made Meredith's face ache in phantom pain. "Just thinking about all the people who need medical care and couldn't get it before? It's really amazing."

It was, Meredith wouldn't argue about that. There were too many people who died from diseases that were treatable because they had to choose between a doctor's visit or feeding their family.

"How does it work?" Meredith asked, leaning against the desk that separated the waiting area from the treatment floor. "Like when you run out of something, how does it get replaced?"

There weren't any patients there yet so Izzie was free to tell Meredith about the funding they received from various insurance companies, the partnership they had with one of the government resources for healthcare, and the grants the clinic would receive annually. A lot of it went over Meredith's head, but she was happy that Izzie seemed so informed and excited about her role and the work it included.

"I can show you the charting system too as soon as we get our first patient," Izzie said. The entire time she talked, she had been watching the door. "Which should happen… any second now…"

Meredith watched the door too and tried to will a patient to come through, anything to make her day go by faster. The sooner Meredith was back on surgical specialties and inside the hospital finding Alex - the better.

"They have to come," Izzie whispered, almost to herself. "Someone has to come. This can't - it has to happen."

"They'll come," Meredith told her. "It's new, but as soon as word spreads, you're going to be busy all day every day."

"I hope so," Izzie said. "Because otherwise… otherwise Denny put a ton of money into something that will have failed almost as much as I failed being a surgeon."

"That was Denny's fault as much as it was yours," Meredith reminded her. It was true, mostly. Izzie could have ignored Denny's flirtations, but they loved each other and they were happy together. If running a clinic and getting married made Izzie happy, then it worked out for them both.

"I guess," Izzie said. She was getting more stressed by the second. "I just don't want to fail again, I can't. Denny did this huge thing, this amazing and wonderful thing, and I want to show him that he didn't do it for no reason. I want to be able to be a partner, not just some dumb blonde who wastes his money on — Ooh!" Izzie sat up and smiled again when the outer door to the clinic opened. "Someone's coming!"

Meredith took half a step backward so Izzie could greet her first clinic patient. It was supposed to be a sick person or someone who needed medical attention - not Susan Grey walking in the clinic. Meredith tried to turn and duck under the counter, but Susan already saw her before she could go.

"Welcome!" Izzie cried cheerfully. "I'm so happy you're here! I'm not happy you're sick, of course, but I'm so happy that we can assist you!"

"Oh, no, I'm sorry." Susan smiled kindly at Izzie while she twisted her hands in front of her waist. "My name's Susan Grey, I came to see Meredith."

"Oh. Great." Izzie backed away from the desk and could not have been more obviously disappointed. "Meredith, will you let me know if any real patients show up?"

"I - yes," Meredith said, flustered and frustrated at being put on the spot. Why would Susan show up at the clinic? Why couldn't she leave Meredith alone?

Alex told Meredith that the week after she was discharged, Susan and Thatcher had shown up to the hospital to see her. Alex didn't tell them anything, they only wanted to tell Meredith how sorry they were that Ellis died. Not that Meredith believed either of them cared that her mother died, it was just them stalking her and acting like they were a part of her family… much, much too late.

"How are you?" Susan asked Meredith after Izzie left them alone together. "Your father and I have been thinking about you, about how hard it must be for you with your mom passing away."

"I am fine," Meredith said, adding a purposeful bite to her tone. "I don't need checked on, and I really don't need my father sending you to my place of work to do it."

"We're your family," Susan said - which would have been so sweet if Meredith believed her. "That's what family does."

"Oh, is it?" Meredith asked. "Silly me, I thought family walked out on you and never returned, never sent a letter, never called, never showed up for any birthdays or graduations."

Susan opened her mouth to say something, but Meredith wasn't done.

"Or is that only my family?" Meredith asked. "Because I've heard what an amazing father Thatcher was to your kids, and I'm happy for them - really. But I never had that and I'm too old for it now. Please tell Thatcher that I don't care if he feels guilty now, I'm all grown up, I don't need him anymore."

"It's not about guilt," Susan insisted. "Not all of it, anyway. Your father loves you, he does. We just want a chance to be a part of your life, even a small part, whatever you're willing to let us be. Maybe we could start with dinner?"

Meredith really wanted to say no, she did. Meredith didn't need a father, she didn't need a pretend-mother. Ellis had been many things, but at least she never walked out of Meredith's life - even though she clearly never wanted to be a mother.

But there stood Susan, all pleading and sweet and Meredith had a horrible weekend and she should have said no.

"Fine, dinner," Meredith agreed, shocking herself more than Susan. "At my place though," she added hastily. There was no need for Meredith to see how cozy and family friendly that Thatcher's house would be.

"That would be great!" Susan said warmly. "Does seven work or will you still be working?"

Meredith ironed out the details with Susan and waited until she finally left to smack herself on the forehead.

Why - why - did she do that? Was she a masochist? Did she like causing herself harm?

"Wow. That was painful," Izzie said, popping back up out of nowhere. "Like… insanely painful. It kind of made my head ache."

"Really? Then you should get some free ibuprofen," Meredith snapped. Then she sighed, because that was bitchy. "I'm sorry, Iz. That was mean."

"It was, but I forgive you," Izzie said with a playful flip of her ponytail. "And also I'm going to remind you that you can't cook?"

Yeah, Meredith couldn't cook. Alex could cook, but Alex was sort of missing and definitely avoiding her.

Also maybe they were broken up, Meredith really wasn't sure.

"So I'll… pick something up," Meredith said. "Easy. I can get a pan of lasagna or something from that Italian place."

"And you need to hide all of your empty alcohol bottles," Izzie said helpfully. "Maybe sweep? Wash the windows? Brighten the place some?"

"I'm not trying to impress them, I'm trying to get through one meal without fighting with them," Meredith said. "One dinner and they see that I'm fine and I don't need them bothering me at work. Easy, not-so-painless."

"I think it's nice that they care," Izzie said. "You need family, people who love you. It's not a bad thing."

It was, Meredith was sure of it. Because they could say they loved her but then when Meredith was kind of a bitch, they'd say ‘I'm done' and disappear.

Meredith didn't have to hear Izzie talk about what a great thing family was anymore though because the next person to enter the clinic was an actual patient. Then another patient walked in, and another.

By the time that noon rolled around, they had actually seen eight patients in the clinic and Izzie was over the moon about it. Meredith was happy for her, but still bored from the simple cases that she couldn't find a single way to turn into complex surgeries.

The good thing about working the clinic on opening day was that Denny brought in lunch and dessert for all the staff and Meredith would never turn down a free and hot meal.

"How's it going?" Denny asked, juggling an armful of bags full of food that smelled amazing.

"It's great!" Izzie told him. "I mean, I think it'll be busier tomorrow."

Meredith didn't have any priority patients so she helped Denny get the food to the break room while Izzie talked about the patients they had seen. They set up the food and Meredith made a plate then figured she didn't have anything better to do than exacerbate her own unhappiness by having lunch with a happy couple.

Denny really was good for Izzie though, he was able to calm her down when Izzie seemed like she was defending every choice she made that day to him.

"Iz, honey, eat," Denny told her with an easy smile. "I'm sure it's all perfect, you know I don't understand half of what you're sayin'. If you say it was worth it, I believe you."

"Denny pretends to be stupid, but he's incredibly smart," Izzie told Meredith proudly. "He owns ranches, Meredith. Like… so many ranches. And he builds buildings. So, don't let him pretend he's dumb."

"Alex wasn't very impressed with the ranch though," Denny laughed. "I thought he'd like riding a horse."

"Alex?" Meredith had half of a sub shoved in her mouth, but managed to swallow in time to interrupt Denny and Izzie boasting about each other. "When did you see Alex?"

"He didn't - Alex didn't tell you?" Izzie asked. "He's been staying with us the last couple of days… I thought you knew, I'm so sorry."

No, Meredith didn't know. And Meredith wasn't sure that she liked that Alex went to stay with his ex when they were fighting either.

"You know he's mad at me for drowning, right?" Meredith asked her. Meredith spent all day working in Izzie's clinic and helping her and encouraging her and Izzie was literally hiding Alex from her over one stupid fight.

"Aht," Denny shook his head when Izzie opened her mouth. "You gotta let them work it out, Iz."

"But it's so stupid!" Izzie complained. It was stupid, it was very stupid of Denny to suggest that Izzie couldn't tell Meredith why she decided to be a horrible friend to her.

"Alex is mad that you were mad that he cares about you," Izzie said, while Denny sighed and made himself a second sub. "All he wanted to do was check on you and you kind of bit his head off over it."

"He was hovering, it was very annoying," Meredith defended herself. "And he didn't even give me a chance to apologize for maybe being bitchy about it before telling me he was done and walking away!"

"He's got like ‘the person I loved died and I couldn't save them' PTSD," Izzie said, twirling a pickle around airily. "From his perspective, it does really suck. Not that dying didn't suck, I'm sure. But it's really hard when you can't do anything to help and then have to worry about it all the time afterward."

"Izzie wouldn't let me shower alone for a week after I got home," Denny chimed in with a grin. "And trust me, it wasn't a sexy shower either, it was her fussing over my incision."

Meredith tried to see it from Alex's perspective… Alex dived in the water, saved her. Alex started CPR on scene, kept it up the whole ride to the hospital. Alex was kicked from the room where Meredith was being worked on, he had to wait in the hallway to find out if she was going to live or not…

Then Alex watched Meredith's mom die after he and Cristina were told to prepare themselves for Meredith's death.

If it was Meredith who had to do all of that for Alex… it would have been horrible, she wouldn't have been as strong as he was. And - and Meredith might have been a little overprotective afterward.

So Meredith was a terrible girlfriend, she already knew that. Alex already knew that. They couldn't talk about it if Alex didn't come home.

"You have to kick him out tonight," Meredith said firmly. "How am I supposed to talk to him if he's hiding at your house and riding horses?"

"Are you sure I should tonight?" Izzie asked. "With the whole family dinner thing?"

"Her dad's going over for dinner?" Denny asked Izzie. "I thought they didn't talk."

"They don't," Izzie told him. "But his wife, Susan, came and sort of guilt tripped Meredith into having dinner together. It's going to be awful, especially if Alex doesn't show up. Meredith so cannot talk to people."

They were like old women in nursing homes - just sitting there pretending they weren't gossiping about Meredith's life right in front of her! Meredith had plenty of that from random hospital employees with their condolences and their whispers, she did not have to take it from Izzie or Denny.

"Hey! My life is not gossip!" Meredith said as she snatched the rest of her sub. "Just kick Alex out, please. And thank you, Denny, for lunch. I'm going to go see how the brain surgery is going, I'll be back."

Maybe.

Unless the hospital was so full of patients that Bailey would pull Meredith from the clinic and let her do something more interesting that gossiping with Izzie and Denny.

It probably wasn't very likely, but a girl had to keep some hopes alive while everything else - her mother, her relationship - kept dying around her.

Meredith finished her lunch in the surgical gallery to watch some of the brain matter transplant surgery. Derek seemed so focused on it, but Meredith could see the stress in his eyes - the sign that it wasn't going the way he hoped it would. Cristina looked bored, Derek wasn't letting her help at all.

It would have been amazing if it could be pulled off, but Meredith tried to not be relieved that Derek wouldn't be hailed as a neurological hero for being the first American surgeon to successfully do it. It was sad too, the patient could have had their entire Parkinson's reversed.

After Parkinson's it could have been Alzheimer's…

Meredith sat in the gallery and watched even when the surgery ended and Derek closed the patient's head, thinking about her mom.

How different would their lives been if she hadn't been sick? What if Webber left his wife when Ellis left Thatcher? Ellis still would have been one of the greatest surgeon's in history, but she wouldn't have been alone.

Could that have made all the difference? If Ellis had someone to love who loved her back, would her life have been so different?

It was too late for her to find out, she was dead and cremated, but Meredith sat for a while thinking about her own life and how much she didn't want it to mirror her mother's before her. Ellis had the career, but she never got a chance to be with her one great love.

Meredith died and Ellis died and then Meredith got a second chance with none of her mother's expectations weighing on her, so why did she still feel so heavy?

Denny hung around the clinic for the rest of the afternoon, mostly chatting with the staff and watching Izzie with big gooey ‘I'm so in love with you' eyes. It was almost gross, that was how in love they were - they had the power to sicken other people.

Denny also jumped up to pitch in when the clinic closed and Meredith started making fresh beds and restocking the carts.

"You think Izzie's going to wake up in ten years and hate this job?" Denny asked her.

Meredith looked over her shoulder for a moment at where Izzie organized charts in the file cabinets. She might, Meredith would, but really Meredith doubted it.

"Izzie's helping people," Meredith told Denny. "I think that's what matters to her."

"Yeah, I just hate the idea that she didn't become a surgeon because of us," he said. Denny made very crisp corners on the bed, Meredith wondered if he was military or if his father had been. Maybe his father wanted Denny to join the military and was as disappointed with him for having cardiac problems as Ellis had been with Meredith.

Maybe no parent was ever happy with their children.

"She loves you, I'm sure she'd make the same choices again," Meredith assured him. "Izzie was never this peppy and sparkly before."

Meredith probably wouldn't have been able to be around her if Izzie had been that shiny since day one. As a natural and normal moody human being, there was a limit to how much pep in a day Meredith could handle.

The carts were all stocked and Meredith grabbed a stack of pillowcases to put on the pillows the beds were missing while Denny finished the last bed.

"She's not always like this," Denny laughed. "Izzie has a dark side." He sat on the bed and took half the pillows and cases to help. "I think the whole me dying thing freaked her out, you know? He has nightmares about it."

Meredith started to hum and then stopped with the pillow still in her hands. "He?" Meredith asked, staring hard at Denny's perfectly blank face. "You meant she? Izzie has nightmares?"

"Huh?" Denny looked up and he might fool other people with his wide innocent eyes, he didn't fool Meredith. "Did I say he? My bad, I meant she. She has nightmares, about me dying."

In a moment that was so perfect that Meredith was sure they planned it, Izzie bounced over before Meredith could say a single word.

"Hey! All done?" she asked them. "Getting to leave by six? You should work the clinic more often, right? Today was amazing, totally amazing."

It was definitely something. Meredith was happy for Izzie, she was even happy that Izzie had found a way to work at the hospital again. But not cutting? Spending all day serving the underserved was amazing, it really was, but Meredith would do her part when she had the licensure and backing to perform pro bono surgeries to help others.

Izzie could keep her clinic and her happy new life, Meredith had to go deal with her father.

"Don't forget to kick Alex out," she told Denny before she left. "I mean it, I will cut your heart back out if he's not home tonight."

"That's still not funny," Izzie told Denny when the door closed behind Meredith. "Why do they think that's funny?"

Denny laughed as he wrapped his arm around Izzie's waist, thanking God for his heart and the woman who got it for him.

"Because they are sick, sick, people," he joked. "Come on, let's go evict Alex, Doctor Duquette."

That made Izzie smile as much as it did Denny, only fourty-six more days until it would be Izzie's name.

"Do you think they'll patch things up?" Izzie worried. "I just want them to be as happy as we are."

The way Denny saw it - Alex was already beating himself up for walking away from Meredith. All Denny had to do was knock some empathy in Meredith's head and they'd fix themselves up right as rain.

"Sure they will," he told Izzie. "And you know Meredith's going to pick Cristina to be her maid of honor, but I'm going to kick ass as Alex's best man."

"Yeah." Izzie rolled her eyes as she locked the clinic behind them. "If they don't cut your heart out before then."

Well, yeah. Denny kind of doubted if UNOS was going to give him another heart.

*****

Dinner was… kind of horrible, really.

Meredith didn't know what to say to Thatcher or Susan. Susan seemed kind and she seemed like she wanted to like Meredith, but moms never liked Meredith. Not her own mom, not any mom. Sure, Susan was nice then, but if she got to know Meredith like she claimed she wanted to do, she'd change her mind.

"So… dresses," Thatcher said, looking around the living room curiously. Meredith barely had time to get food, she definitely didn't have time to move Izzie's bridal boutique that had taken over her house.

Meredith didn't really want to talk about dresses or weddings, but they already covered Thatcher's work, Molly's baby, and Thatcher's other daughter's upcoming graduation from medical school. They were hitting a wall and dresses were better than the horrible silence they had sat in for the last ten minutes.

"They're Izzie's, my friend," Meredith said. "She's getting married so she's been trying on dresses here."

"Oh that's wonderful," Susan said, jumping right on the topic. "Is she another doctor?"

"Yes," Meredith said shortly, realizing suddenly that she didn't want to talk about Izzie either. Meredith didn't want to tell them anything, Meredith wanted them to leave and never return.

Thatcher was good at that.

"Do you have any photos from your wedding?" Susan asked. "I'd love to see them."

Meredith stared at her, thrown for a moment. Her wedding? What made…?

"Oh, my wedding, to Alex," Meredith remembered. "Well, we're not actually married, I just didn't want your daughter to ask why we had the same last name."

"Oh." Susan's smile slipped, it kept doing that. It was Meredith's fault for not being all warm and fuzzy and happy to have them in her house.

God, how much longer were they going to stay?

Meredith sipped her heavily spiked drink and watched the candle on the table melt while she left the choice of talking up to Thatcher or Susan.

"I didn't see your mother's service listed anywhere," Thatcher said. And, great, they had moved on to Meredith's dead mom.

"It wasn't," Meredith said. "She didn't want a funeral."

No reason to have people fawning over her and talking about her surgical genius and life of work, not if she wasn't going to be there to enjoy it.

"Where's she buried?" Susan asked. "I'd like to take her some flowers."

Yeah, because Ellis would love flowers from Thatcher's wife.

"She was cremated," Meredith said. "I have her ashes in my closet."

"That's… different," Susan said. Meredith could see it happening, Susan deciding that it was too much work to like Meredith. It was fine, Meredith just wished they would leave sooner. Every few minutes, Meredith's eyes would move toward the door, hoping Alex would show up.

It would be a thousand times better to argue with Alex than it was to sit through the tension filling the spaces between Meredith and the father that didn't care to fight for her and the kind but clueless stepmom trying to force them together. At the very least, Meredith enjoyed being around Alex.

"I'm going to use the bathroom," Thatcher said, pushing himself away from the table. Meredith should have thought of that, of locking herself in the bathroom until they left.

"It's down—"

"Down the hall before the kitchen," Thatcher said, smiling nervously at Meredith. "I remember."

Meredith felt some of the tension leave with Thatcher like a real weight off her chest. It was killing Meredith, trying to make conversation with him. It was worse when she remembered that Ellis would be furious, she really would.

Ellis had been gone for a month and Meredith was having dinner with the parent who never called, never lifted a finger to help raise her. Ellis had been many, many, things - but she had been there.

When she wasn't working, of course.

"I think this is going well," Susan offered up politely. "I kind of worried that there would be a lot of screaming, so this is nice, really."

"You thought I'd scream?" Meredith asked. "Because I can't imagine he screams, he barely speaks."

"You intimidate him," Susan said bluntly, still smiling so sweetly though. "He's terrified of messing this up. He called it his second chance before we left, he even changed his shirt four times to find one he thought you'd like."

Meredith didn't even notice his shirt, she couldn't care less what he wore. If Thatcher wore a neon pink tutu, Meredith wouldn't be amused. Susan was… nice. She was the kind of mom that Meredith thought other people would like to have, the mom who baked cookies for their kids and cuddled them when they were sad.

It was difficult to be hateful right to her face.

"I don't know what to say to him," Meredith admitted. "I just do not know what to say."

"Well, you could always—"

Meredith's eyes flew to the door again and stopped listening to Susan when she heard a key scraping in the unlocked door. The only two people who had a key were Callie and Alex and Callie would be at the hospital until late.

Alex walked in the door, stumbled through it really, with a stupid bouquet of flowers in his hand and his face all mashed up in a scowl - Meredith had never been so relieved to see him.

"Mer?" Alex started to call through the house, they literally never used the dining room. When Meredith stood up, he finally noticed her.

"Hey, listen." Alex crossed to the dining room in three long strides and either didn't see or didn't care about Susan sitting at the table. He was drunk, Meredith could smell it, she didn't care.

He was there, he was home.

"I love you, and when I said that, I freaking meant it," Alex yelled - starting off strong with his tone and the slurred speech, really. "You died, Meredith. You died. I tried to restart your heart and you weren't breathing, your heart was stopped, dead. They told me to prepare myself and I can't prepare myself for you to ever die because I freaking love you and it sucked.”

"You died?" Susan gasped - they both ignored her. Meredith was so not getting into that with Smiley-Susan Grey.

"So, yeah, I didn't want you to go to work because even if you're a freaking superhero, because you're apparently also a human who can die," Alex went on. "And I know you're the one who died, I know it, but I went through it too, okay? So I'm sorry for being a dick or whatever, but if you promise to not die again then I'll - I'll stop being a dick. Now take these stupid ass flowers and promise to not die ever again."

Meredith couldn't really promise that - she would die one day. Probably from Alzheimer's, but she would die. It didn't matter though because Alex had a bouquet of stupid ass flowers and he was there.

"You promise that if I'm ever a bitch to you again that you'll still come home," Meredith told him. She waved at her father's empty seat and glared at Alex as hard as he was glaring at her. "You don't get to walk out, Alex. I can't do that. You're in or you're out. I don't care if you're a dick because I'm kind of a bitch sometimes, probably most of the damn time. So I'll promise to not die again, but you have to promise to not walk out again."

"Fine," Alex spat. "I won't walk out, you don't die."

"Fine."

And then, because Alex was truly just perfect sometimes, he turned and Meredith barely saw the sudden sweat of nausea that covered his forehead before he threw up all over the dining table.

Which meant, thank God, that the dinner from Hell was over.

The dinner was over and Alex was home.

April 1st

Alex didn't know who he expected at the door at six o'clock in the freaking morning, but Meredith's stepmom with arms full of groceries would have been pretty far down his list of guesses.

"Morning," Susan Grey said brightly to him - way too damn bright for the time. "I brought food?"

"Uh… sure." Alex stepped out of the way and let her in. He wasn't exactly sure where Meredith stood on the whole ‘stepmom trying to replace dead mom who was always a shitty mom anyway' issue, but free groceries were free groceries.

"We haven't really met properly," Susan chattered on her way to the kitchen. "I'm Susan Grey. We met at the hospital before, I'm sorry for that - I was all worried about Molly, I was probably quite rude."

Not as rude as Alex was when he apparently yacked on Susan the last time she had been at the house. Alex didn't remember much, but he knew Meredith thought it was freaking hilarious. Yang nearly cried tears when she made Meredith re-enact Alex's dumbass apology speech and drunken vomiting.

"I mean, I think I puked on your shirt, so we're probably good," Alex said. Susan made herself right at home while she started unloading groceries and putting them away. Alex only leaned in the doorway to watch, not really sure what he should do.

Meredith would be up soon - she could deal with it.

"Oh no problem," Susan said, all sweet and weird as hell. "Accidents happen. I don't suppose you know if Meredith has a favorite brand of cereal, do you? I wasn't sure what to get for you all, but I thought it would be best to stay away from anything that expires too soon with your work hours and all."

Alex didn't even get a chance to answer before she was going on and on.

"I hate the idea of you all just starving in here," Susan chattered. "And I know, I know Meredith said she doesn't like hovering, but groceries aren't hovering, right? Hovering would be if I came by a couple of nights a week to make dinner for you all. That would be hovering and I shouldn't do it, right?"

Susan paused to look over her shoulder at Alex and he blinked at her.

"Uh…" The problem was? That sounded great to Alex. Having Meredith's stepmom make them a hot meal after work sometimes? Hell yeah. Except Meredith would hate it.

"Yeah, that's probably too much," Alex said. The sacrifices he made for Meredith, Jesus.

"I thought so," Susan sighed. "I'll start small with groceries, maybe build to dinner. And then—"

"What are you— OH MY GOD!"

Alex's jaw dropped and then he had to keep himself from busting out laughing when Torres walked in the kitchen, her hair all messed up from sleep, dressed in only a pair of panties, and ran almost right into Susan.

Susan… who wore long pants, thick sweaters, and had a real ‘I knit sweaters for my grandkids' kind of vibe.

Torres screamed and backed out of the kitchen quickly to glare at Alex from the room they used for laundry. Alex had to give it to Susan though, she blinked a couple of times and then went right back to calmly putting away the last of the groceries.

"Alex!" Torres hissed at Alex and pointed at Susan. "Is that your mom?!"

"Nah, Mer's stepmom," Alex grinned. "Susan, that's Doctor Callie Torres."

"It's a pleasure," Susan said politely. "I've heard Meredith mention you before. Are the three of you… well, hm… what is the term for it nowadays?"

Alex licked his lips to try and keep from losing his shit. "Sleeping together?" he asked, smirking at Torres. "Nah, Torres has her own room, she just hates wearing clothes."

"Oh. Okay." Susan covered her eyes, "If you'd like, I'm not looking."

Torres glared at Alex again when she booked it from the laundry room to the back hallway. It wasn't his fault she walked around with it all hanging out, and Susan took in a stride that Alex couldn't help but respect.

"I try to be a little progressive," Susan said when Torres was gone and she could uncover her eyes. "My daughter, Lexie, she was always such a free spirit before she started college. She's a brilliant girl. I know that Ellis was an absolute genius, but I think there's something to say about Thatcher making very smart girls. Now," she turned and smiled at Alex, "do you like eggs?"

Did Alex like homemade eggs from someone else's mom that he didn't have to cook himself? Yeah, yeah he did.

Alex made himself comfortable at the kitchen counter and listened to Susan talk about her daughter, Lexie. Apparently she was some sort of super genius and skipped grades in school, started medical school young, and was about to graduate.

It was probably a good thing she was set up to do a surgical internship at Mass Gen, Alex didn't think Meredith would like having a genius half-sister following her around in the hallways.

"This is amazing," Alex told Susan after she made the best damn omelette he ever had. Alex could have had three of them, but when Meredith shuffled in he thought his free breakfast was probably over.

"Susan?" Meredith rubbed her eyes as if that would make the middle-aged chick in their kitchen disappear. "Are you… cooking? When did we get groceries?"

"She brought them," Alex told her. "And she cooks. Amazingly."

"Would you like some?" Susan offered. "I made plenty for you and your other friend."

"Why are you in my house? Talking to Alex? Meeting my friends?" Meredith asked. She was getting high-pitched, Alex wasn't going to say a word. If Meredith wanted to fight about the food and breakfast, better with Susan than Alex.

"Because I wanted to help," Susan said. "I just thought about how busy you all must be, being a house of doctors, and I tried to think of what could be helpful."

"This is not helpful," Meredith said. "This is invasive and - and rude. And I need to go to work and you should leave, please. I don't need groceries, we are adults who feed ourselves. Alex? Are we going to work?"

Alex shoved the last bite of his omelette in his mouth and nodded with his cheeks all puffed out. Meredith stormed from the room and Alex was pretty sure she was going to be pissed for a little while about it.

"That could have gone better," Susan said, wincing when they heard the front door slam.

"Cheerios," Alex told her. "She likes cheerios and she'll come around, she's worth the effort."

"Thank you, Alex," Susan said. "I'm glad she has you."

Yeah, Alex was most days too.

On days when Meredith spent two hours bitching about something Alex thought was actually kind of nice? Well - it wasn't like Alex wasn't still glad to have Meredith, but man there was only some much he could listen to until he had to stop it.

"Dude." Alex listened to it all morning, he did. Alex listened to Meredith bitch on their way to work, while they got changed. Alex listened to the whispered comments and he saw her dirty glares on rounds. But he had shit to do and Meredith needed to get over it.

"You know what moms do?" Alex asked her. "They bring groceries and they cook meals. We don't know that because you had a surgical robot for a mom and my mom was batshit insane. She's being nice, Mer. Who cares? It makes her feel good. She's not the one who walked out, she's just someone trying to be there for you."

"I - it's - she doesn't need to!" Meredith argued. "Cristina! Back me up!" Meredith swatted at Yang and Yang pulled her nose from the patient report she'd been reading since getting it assigned. It was some dude from the ER with a busted gallbladder, nothing actually interesting.

Not that Alex had a full day, all he had was his Jane Doe's c-section, then when she recovered from that she'd have at least one more neurosurgery. Alex was going to be a little bummed when she ran out of surgeries, but he was ready to pick up some ped cases. Addison said she'd talk with the peds attendings to let Alex on their services after his intern exam.

Two more months in OB and fetal surgery, then Alex could check out peds, see which service he liked more. They were both hardcore specialities, Alex kind of wouldn't mind trying to specialize in at least two of the three. It was dumb, he'd be lucky to get through one specialty, but - well, Addison said he should try or whatever so Alex might.

Maybe.

Once he talked some damn sense into his girlfriend, got through Denny's wedding, passed his intern exam, then got through Yang's wedding.

Oh, and the bachelor party he was supposed to be throwing the next night. That too.

"I support Meredith," Yang said, like a loyal lap dog. "Unless the argument is about Susan Grey, because I think it's cool that new fake mommy cooks breakfast. I want breakfast. Do you think I can come over for breakfast?"

"Sure," Alex said. "Susan made omelettes and saw Torres's tits today before Mer yelled at her, so it might be a few days before she comes back."

"Alex! No! We are not inviting people over to encourage this!" Meredith huffed. "And, Cristina, you cannot come have breakfast at our house to avoid Burke. Either tell him you don't want a wedding or suck it up."

"And while people are sucking shit up," Alex ducked down to kiss Meredith quickly before he could piss her off too much, "fake mommy cooks, she brings food. It's not a bad thing. I gotta go, love you."

"You just want food," Meredith scowled - cutely, it was a cute scowl, which meant Alex was probably safe from like sleeping on the couch or some shit like that.

"Yup. Bye."

Meredith could bitch to Yang about it, but Alex was pretty sure that she'd cave and give Susan a chance. Thatcher was a cowardly ass who lost a wife and chose to give up his kid, Susan seemed nice enough though. It could be good for Mer to have someone like that around.

And if she cooked every once in a while, then it'd be good for Alex too. A complete win-win.

Sloan was hanging around the OB floor, flirting with Addison and making her laugh about something. Alex slipped past them and found ‘Ava' sitting up and waiting for him.

Ava looked great, really. Sloan did excellent on the facial reconstruction, it was hard to find a single scar on her skin. Webber even contracted in a dental surgeon to repair all of her broken teeth after she went viral on the news for her story. The news stories were helpful to her recovery with the donations toward surgeries and cards of support that rolled in, but Alex was hoping the viral news story would help find her family.

"Guess what?" Ava asked him, her eyes as bright as Alex had ever seen them. "Someone might have claimed me, Alex! I might meet my parents today!"

"Seriously?" Alex asked, getting kind of giddy about it for her. It was crap, spending two months in a hospital alone, pregnant, scared, and with no memories. Alex spent a decent amount of time with her, but she deserved to have someone sitting by her bed and holding her hand, helping her get ready for the baby.

"Yes!" Ava cried, laughing joyfully. "Doctor Montgomery is going to bring them over soon. I passed all the tests - I'm the same age as their daughter, same eye color and hair, I don't have my tonsils, and we have the same blood type!"

"Soon like before the c-section?" Alex asked, checking the chart. They already pushed the procedure off, keeping her drugged to keep her from going into labor too soon, Alex didn't want to risk anything by Ava getting worked up either way it went with the possible parents. The c-section was going to be enough strain, but her pelvic bones still had a break that could shift and slice an artery if they tried a vaginal delivery.

Alex spent too much time taking care of Ava, researching surgeries, assisting in them, running scut, and playing bedside buddy to lose her over an elevated heart rate.

If Alex had to present a project for his intern exam - he'd bring Ava. She'd be like his show and tell star patient. Alex banked ten surgeries off her, coaxed her through the trauma, and he liked her; she was cool for a chick with Swiss cheese for brains.

"I'm not sure," Ava said, frowning briefly. "Hey! Can you ask? Doctor Montgomery's been flirting with Sloan all day - Oh! Did I tell you they totally had sex in the supply room yesterday? I guess the sex bet ended early. How do any of you get any work done when you're all busy hooking up?"

It was called multitasking with a lot of hoping like hell their pagers didn't go off in the middle of it.

"I'll ask about your possible parents, you drink some water," Alex told her. It would suck for her to get her hopes up and then find out they weren't her parents after all. "Your electrolytes are low and you need your strength for Jane Junior."

Ava sighed dramatically and took her cup off her bedside table, obediently taking a drink. Alex left her to it for a minute, steeling himself to interrupt the Addison and Sloan flirt fest.

They'd been like that for a week, it was starting to drive Alex nuts having Sloan hang around the floor all the time. Sloan was a skilled doctor, Addison was all warm and gooey for him, whatever; the guy was still a douche.

"Karev." Addison straightened up when she saw Alex approaching the desk, Sloan's face did a twitching thing that might have been an attempt at a smile, it looked painful. "Did Ava tell you? We may have found her family."

"Yeah, that's great," Alex said. "She said they're coming by today? Are we waiting until after the c-section or before?"

"After," Addison said, relieving Alex. He really hoped that Sloan wasn't screwing Addison stupid - and it would have been stupid to bring in the possible parents right before the operation.

"You really think it's them?" Alex asked. "I mean, her face is probably different and she's got a common blood type."

"It's the first lead we've had," Sloan said. "The due date fits, the timeline could fit."

"He's right," Addison agreed. "It's circumstantial, but Ava has no tonsils, the same blood type, the timeline fits, and it's the only family that's gotten this far in the process. I'm hoping they're her parents, it must be awful to go through this alone."

"She's not alone." Sloan slapped Alex's shoulder a little harder than what Alex would consider to be friendly. "She's got Karev, right, Karev?"

"I guess," Alex said, confused. Was Sloan insulting him in some way? Alex literally pulled that chick from rubble and Addison told him to take care of her. Addison rolled her eyes behind Sloan and then waved for one of the nurses to join them.

"Mark, we have to go," Addison said. "Karev has his first solo c-section to perform."

"Solo?" Alex asked, freezing in place. Addison didn't tell him it would be Alex's to perform. Sure, she let him make the incision before and let him do the closing before, but from start to finish? It was a simple enough procedure, but Alex didn't think he'd get to fly solo.

"I think you've earned it," Addison said. "Come on, let's see if Ava's ready to be a mom."

Alex thought she would be - any chick who survived what she did had to be ready for becoming a mom. Ava went through a dozen horrible surgeries, she did a lot of it with very little narcotic pain medicine, she did most of it alone. And it could be her lucky day, she could meet her daughter and reunite with her parents in the same day.

Even with Alex sweating behind his mask, the c-section actually went off without a hitch. Ava stayed calm, Alex's hands didn't shake, Addison watched him go solo on his first procedure and took the baby when she was out so Alex could close the incision.

"What's she look like?" Ava asked, her face hidden behind the partition curtain. "Does she look like an Ashley or Karen?"

"Dude, you can't name her Ashley or Karen," Alex said, focusing on the even line of inner sutures while he multitasked. "Those are boring names and she's got a badass start to life." The baby started crying then, filling the OR with her wails. "Hear that?" Alex asked Ava. "She hates those names."

"No, I'm definitely thinking Karen," Ava said. "It just feels right."

If it felt right to her, Alex wasn't going to argue, though he hoped she was joking. It was a dumb name, way too boring for a kid who survived a ferry crash before she was even born.

Addison brought the baby to Ava and laid her on her chest when they were ready to take her back up to OB. If everything healed up and went well with her parents, she could be released within a few days and return later for the last of her surgeries.

"She's so pretty," Ava murmured, sounding just as in love as every other new mom Alex met. "You're the prettiest girl, aren't you? Yes you are."

Yeah, Ava was going to handle motherhood just fine.

Alex and Addison left Ava to bond with the baby while a nurse monitored them for a couple of hours. Addison wanted to call the parents, Alex wanted to go tell Meredith he performed a c-section solo.

Meredith had finally caught a neuro case out of the ER and Alex found her practically giddy over it in the library on the fourth floor.

"Alex! Guess what?" Meredith flipped the book in her hands around, the Journal of Something Something. "My guy has an inoperable tumor!"

"Congrats?" Alex spun a chair around backwards to sit in and had his own bragging to do. "I just performed a perfect c-section from start to finish."

"Oh! Did Ava have her baby?" Meredith asked. "Is she - wait! You performed the entire thing?!"

It really wasn't that big of a deal, a c-section was an operation, but it wasn't an intense surgery in typical cases. Alex was still waiting for the day that he'd get to perform a true solo surgery, but it was still pretty cool to do as an intern.

"Sure did," Alex grinned. "Smell me, Mer. Do I smell like success?"

Meredith leaned in and pretended to sniff him and then crinkle her nose. "You smell like you still have Addison's ass stuck to your lips. How did you manage to get Addison Montgomery, of all people, to like you so much?"

"Well," Alex spun his chair in a circle and then winked at Meredith, "I didn't screw her husband, for starters."

It was almost an old joke by then. Meredith and Addison were friends - friends who did a lot of drinking and giggling together. Addison and Mark were giving their affair-turned-relationship another go, Meredith and Alex were together. If Shepherd would screw off in the sunset, Alex would be perfectly happy.

"Should I be jealous that I think you like Addison more than me?" Meredith asked. "I'll wait to be jealous. Tell me everything about your surgery so I can tell you everything about this tumor and the idea I have."

Damn, Alex wanted to brag about his surgery for hours, but he had to hear Meredith's idea. It was probably dumb, but Meredith sort of lit up when she talked about ideas she had for medicine. It was like she was always gorgeous, then she'd start an intense and passionate argument about medicine and surgeries and changing the world and she just became someone too beautiful for earth.

Which Alex would admit never because he didn't want to sound like some sappy dumbass.

Alex went through his procedure quickly, telling Meredith every step of it. She agreed with him about Ashley and Karen being crappy names and then Alex listened to her idea. It was brilliant, it really was; Meredith wanted to start a clinical trial for inoperable gliomas that were wrapped around spinal cords.

It would be amazing, it really would. It could save so many lives if all of the research Meredith had done worked on them.

The only downside was that Shepherd would be the lead surgeon on the clinic and if it was Meredith's idea, Alex could guess they'd be spending a lot of time working together. Alex would feel like a dick for being annoyed by that, except Meredith still got jealous sometimes about the time Alex spent with Addison.

As if Alex would want or need anyone else when he had Meredith.

"What do you think?" Meredith asked after she presented all of her information and research and ideas. "Do you think it could work?"

"With you working on it? Yeah, absolutely," Alex said. Meredith was brilliant and as hard of a worker as anyone, if she wanted to cure the world of inoperable tumors, she'd do it.

"I should get back to Ava, see if her parents are here yet." Alex leaned forward, took his time kissing Meredith in the privacy of the library. Nobody was around, but he had to cut it off before he'd get himself too distracted. "Oh, hey, before I forget, for Denny's thing tomorrow, I was going to take him to the Playground. Are you going to be pissed or something over it?"

"Am I going to be pissed if you take Denny to a strip club for his bachelor party?" Meredith snorted and already turned back to her research. "Alex, you see Callie naked like every day. I think I can handle you in a strip club. Don't get glitter all over my car though, I am not showing up to work in scrubs that sparkle."

Yeah, Alex didn't have any rush to get married like Izzie and Yang were, but he was pretty damn sure that he was done dating. Because why the hell would Alex want or need anyone else when he had Meredith?

Sloan stopped Alex on his way back in Ava's room to check on her with his arm and a brief shake of his head.

"They weren't her parents, Addison's breaking the news now," he said. "You might want to wait."

"Damn," Alex swore, his mood tanking. "Are they sure? I mean, her face looks different, how can they be sure?"

"The lady said that Ava said two words and she knew she wasn't hers," Sloan said. "We can't make them do DNA tests, if they say she's not their daughter then she probably isn't."

"She's gotta be like - a single orphan or something, right?" Alex asked. "If she's got parents or a dad for her kid then they'd be looking for her. Her picture played on every freaking major news channel in the country, if she had family, they would have found her."

"It's hard to know," Sloan sighed, he almost seemed human with his eyes on Ava's door and his forehead creased with something like worry. "I hope she's got a family. Nobody should have to go through so much alone."

In Alex's opinion, Sloan sounded like he knew that from experience. It reminded Alex abruptly that Meredith said that Sloan and Shepherd had been the best of friends, all but brothers, before Shepherd forgot he had a wife and Sloan started screwing her.

Sloan followed Addison to Seattle and he might have gotten his girl back, but it didn't mean he wasn't still alone.

Which was such a freaking chick thought of Alex to have that it somehow doubled his resolve to do something he didn't really want to do.

"You got plans tomorrow?" Alex asked Sloan. "‘Cause I don't know if you met Denny Duquette when he was here, but I've got to plan his bachelor party. I think we're going to a few strip clubs, maybe drinking at Joe's beforehand. If you wanna come, you can. I think he's bringing Doctor Burke too."

"You're inviting me on some guy's night for Duquette's bachelor party?" Sloan asked, narrowing his eyes at Alex. "What? Are you kissing my ass to get on my service?"

Hell no. Alex would kiss his ass to stay off his service. Plastics sounded good, it did - those people usually signed up for their pain, but Alex knew it wasn't where he wanted to be. As much as he wanted to want it, he wasn't that guy.

"No, it's a bachelor party and I don't think Denny's got all that many guy friends," Alex said. It was true enough, Denny probably had a lot more friends before he became ‘that sick guy' who spent more time in hospitals than out of them.

"Alright then." Sloan slapped Alex's shoulder again, but his smile was less pained and threatening that time. "Sounds good. Count me in, Karev."

Alex was going to regret it, he was sure, but it was one night with Sloan. And there would be enough other guys around that Alex might not even notice him too much.

Addison spent another ten minutes with Ava before she finally slipped out of her room and headed directly toward Alex.

"That was awful," she said, shaking her head sadly. "I hate that I got her hopes up."

"She had to know they were coming," Alex reminded her. "It's not like you could just waltz them in her room without a warning."

"No, but still." Addison let out a heavy breath. "It was rough, really. I think she'll be okay, but I really hope we find her family soon."

Yeah, Alex did too.

Alex left Addison and Sloan in the hallway and took his turn checking on Ava. It must have sucked to think her family found her then to be told that they weren't the right people. Ava looked like she'd been crying for a while when Alex saw her, thankfully she was done and holding the baby when he pulled up a chair to sit with her for a few minutes.

"It's fine, right?" Ava asked him, looking down at her daughter. "Maybe I'm an orphan or something," she said, eerily repeating Alex's exact thought from earlier. "But I've got this girl and - and it'll be okay, right?"

"Right," Alex said, making himself sound as confident as he could. "You also have surgery on the brain injuries coming up too now that she's here, it could help restore your memories."

"God, I hope so," Ava said. She rocked her daughter for a minute while they sat in silence before she looked over and grinned a little bit at Alex. "You wanna hold her? She's kind of perfect, really. I can't believe she's mine."

Alex took the baby for a few, rocking her in his arms, listening to Ava list off the million and five ways that her daughter was more perfect than any other baby. She was a cute little thing, but all babies were cute, they were supposed to be.

"Plus she's got a pretty great name," Ava said - her million and sixth brag. "I figured that if it's just me and her maybe she'd need a pretty kick ass name, right? Something to remind us both how much she went through to survive?"

"Alright," Alex said, "let's hear it."

"Alexis Addison." Ava beamed at Alex and then laughed when his mouth fell open. "Yeah, Doctor Montgomery kind of looked like that too. But you guys - you kept me alive, you kept her alive. So… that makes you both heroes to us."

"Are you screwing with me? Is this an April Fool's prank?" Alex asked, grinning some while he looked around the room for the bassinet where the baby's name card would be. He stood up carefully and carried her over so he could look at the card listing her name, weight, and other information.

Right there on the top - Alexis Addison Doe

"Holy shit!" Alex laughed. Baby Alexis started whining when he did and he hushed her gently before returning her to Ava. "Do you know how many times I've tried to get patients to name their baby after me?" he asked, bending over the bed to carefully put Alexis in Ava's arms. "It has never work—"

Alex had no more than placed Alexis in Ava's arms before Ava leaned up and caught Alex completely off-guard by pressing her lips to his. Alex was shocked for a second, it took his stupid brain a whole second to realize what she was doing, before he ripped away from her.

"Why'd you do that?" Ava asked. "I - there's something here, it's not just me, right?"

It was her, it was entirely just her. It probably wasn't her fault, she was all messed up in the head and lonely and scared. Alex pulled her from the rubble of the crash site, he stayed by her bedside for months while she was hormonal and emotional and whatever else she had going on.

It happened sometimes, patients mixing up their doctor's care with affection. That was all it was though - something she mixed up in her head.

"I'm your doctor," Alex told her, backing quickly away from the bed. "That's it."

"Alex…" Ava blinked and her eyes got misty and wet. "We - we talk all the time and I thought - I thought you liked me? I know you've got Meredith, but she - it's different, with us."

Damn it, damn it, damn it.

Alex had two more surgeries, at least, that he could have gotten. Alex could have seen the entire case to the end and stood back and watched when she finally left the hospital and felt good about himself.

Instead, Alex had to march his sorry ass right out of her room to find Addison. At no point was Alex going to risk losing his job over a patient's misunderstanding and have to work in the freaking medical clinic for Izzie.

*****

"Tough break, Karev." Sloan slugged Alex's shoulder slightly before he pulled up a chair at Joe's. "Addison told me you're off the Jane Doe case."

"Yup." Alex finished his beer and tried to not get pissed off about it all over again. It happened, it was over, Alex was off Addison's service until Ava left - for his own good. Alex knew it was going to happen when he told Addison about Ava making a move the day before, it didn't mean it didn't suck though.

Meredith thought the whole thing was bullshit and told Alex he should ask to get back on the case, prove that a patient's crush didn't mean he wasn't a competent doctor. Alex figured Ava was crazier than most patients, being alone and messed up in the head. It sucked, but Addison probably considered all of it before deciding to pull Alex.

"You like peds, right?" Sloan asked, sliding a shot to each seat at the table. The others weren't there yet, Alex got a headstart so he could prepay for Denny's drinks. It was Denny's bachelor party, but he was a stubborn bastard. If Alex didn't warn Joe to not take a dollar from him all night, Denny would try to pay for everyone.

Damned stubborn and generous bastard.

"Yeah, I guess so," Alex answered Sloan. "I haven't had too many chances to work peds yet, but I might try it."

"You can try it tomorrow," Sloan told him. "I've got a peds case coming in from Chicago. You ever seen Goldenhar Syndrome?"

Alex wasn't Yang who memorized every medical syndrome there was. "Never," he said, assuming if he had seen it before he'd know what it even was.

"If this bachelor party doesn't suck then you'll see it tomorrow," Sloan said, lifting his shot toward Alex. "Here's to crazy chicks messing up our plans."

Alex didn't know what weird freaking reality he was in where he did shots with Mark Sloan, but the night only got more strange from there.

Denny showed up with Burke and they had another round of shots. Then Chief Webber showed up, at Denny's invite. Webber did a shot of water while they did another round. Alex told Denny they had more plans for the night and they split up in two cars - Sloan, Burke, and Webber took Sloan's car. Alex and Denny took Meredith's car Alex was borrowing.

Somehow they ended up with Joe the Bartender in the car with them, though Alex couldn't remember how when he remembered it later. Joe was a gay guy, they were going to see naked chicks… Alex wasn't even sure who was running the bar while they were gone.

The first club they went to sucked. The drinks were good, there was a buffet that wasn't bad, but most of the chicks were the same age as Alex's mom with less teeth than Alex had fingers on his hands. Denny laughed himself freaking sick when they all left, it only took Alex a glance at Webber's face to start howling with laughter too.

"Those were - did you see that woman?!" Webber asked them, brushing himself off frantically. "I think she was using marijuana!"

‘Marijuana'.

"Women these days," Denny said, still laughing like an idiot. "Who knew they'd turn into a bunch of marijuana users?"

"That's why I stay away from ‘em," Joe said, jumping right in on it. "First they break your heart, then they start smoking marijuana."

Alex snickered again at Webber's nod of agreement, apparently missing the teasing tones. Sloan said they weren't far from a ‘real gentlemen's club' so they walked down the sidewalk, a little too loud and a little bit drunk.

It was a bachelor party, who cared?

"I don't suppose you've ever smoked," Burke asked Webber, almost slyly. "You are a man of those times."

"I… may have, once or twice," Webber admitted slowly. "As a way to recognize the effects! That's all!"

"Oh, yeah, of course," Sloan said. "Because you can't learn about the effects until you try it yourself."

"One of my few regrets in life," Denny said. "I never had the chance to get high."

Alex wasn't sure whose idea it was - Alex looked at Burke, Burke looked at Sloan, Sloan looked at Webber, Webber looked at Joe…

"I've got a couple of joints back at the bar," Joe offered.

Alex tossed his arm around Denny's shoulder so they could turn around and head right back toward their cars.

"Denny, forget strippers," Alex told him. "Izzie's like porn star hot anyway. Tonight, we're getting you high."

Joe gave them the private room in the bar when they got back and Burke bought everyone drinks while Alex gave Denny the basics on smoking.

"You sound a little too educated there, Karev," Webber said disapprovingly. "This isn't a regular activity of yours, is it?"

"Never," Alex said truthfully, shrugging when everyone seemed like he was a liar. "Hey, believe me or don't, but I watched my old man do it enough to know what it looks like at least. You ready, Denny?"

"I can definitely sleep on your couch so I don't do something stupid and piss my future bride off?" Denny checked one more time, the joint already in his hand.

"Yeah, whatever." It wasn't like Alex didn't crash at Denny's place for a few days when he needed it. If Denny wanted to smoke and drink and make an ass of himself having fun for his bachelor party, Alex could at least make sure he didn't piss Iz off over it.

That was probably part of being someone's best man.

Alex and the others watched Denny light up and inhale deeply… then all of them lost their shit when Denny started hacking and wheezing on the exhale. Joe opened the window by Webber so he didn't get much smoke in his face, but the rest of them caught a cloud of the smoke.

It didn't smell sweet to Alex, not how others described it. It smelled like the bars his dad used to hang out in, like his dad, like a whole lot of fights he'd rather forget.

"Oh, fuck me," Denny breathed, wheezing some. Burke passed him a drink and Denny practically chugged it. "This feels weird," he said.

Then he giggled - it was not a manly laugh, it was a freaking giggle and Alex laughed so hard he fell off his chair. Denny, who made Alex feel like a bitch sometimes with his ridiculous masculinity, giggled like a damn girl.

"Yup, I'd say Denny's good," Joe said, taking the joint back after they egged Denny into taking a second draw off it. "Anyone else?" he asked.

Since everyone else had jobs where they weren't their own boss and could totally get fired by the Chief sitting with them, nobody took him up on it. Alex wouldn't have anyway, even drunk it wasn't something he wanted to risk messing with.

Schizophrenic mom, addict dad - Alex was doing his best to not take after either of them.

"Some best man you are," Sloan scoffed at Alex. "The only chicks Denny got to see tonight were old ladies and now the poor bastard's too high to do anything."

"Hey!" Denny grabbed his beer and pointed it at Sloan, spilling it some and leaning just slightly on Alex. "Alex is my best friend," he said - definitely wasted, beyond wasted. "So - so shut up."

"Dude." Alex was drunk enough that it wasn't stupid, it was just funny. "You're wasted," he said.

"He really is," Burke agreed. "Denny, another shot?” he asked, knowing Denny wasn’t going to turn it down. If they wanted to see how close to death Denny could get, they were getting there. “Come on now, we'll drink to your upcoming marriage."

Everyone raised their shot glasses after Burke filled them - whiskey for everyone except Webber, who did a shot of water and set Denny off in stoned giggles again.

"Here's to the women in our lives and the love they bring us," Burke said. It was a lame toast, Alex still drank to it.

"When's your wedding, Preston?" Webber asked. "I haven't heard much about it since you and Yang announced the engagement."

"We're still ironing out the details," Burke said, clearly choosing his words carefully. "I would like a wedding, Cristina would like to wear sweatpants at city hall."

"Jus' do it," Denny told him, slurring every syllable he spoke. "If you love her, jus' do what she wants, make ‘er happy. Happy wife, happy life."

"Spoken like a true sap," Sloan said, pushing the pitcher of water to Alex for Denny. "Drink up, buddy, or you're going to be back in the hospital tomorrow."

With as much as he drank already? Alex was pretty sure everyone was going to have to chip in on Denny’s ER visit for a banana bag of fluids.

And they’d have to hide from Izzie, she’d probably be pissed if they gave Denny alcohol poisoning on top of getting him high.

"You and Yang are great though," Sloan told Burke. "You're like the next Mark and Addison."

Burke raised an eyebrow at Sloan. "As our relationship didn't begin as an affair, I don't think we would be the next Mark and Addison."

"If you try and make Yang show up to a church in a dress you won't be the next anything," Alex said. "I've heard her bitch about it to Meredith fifty times now, she thinks weddings are a waste of time."

"Then she is un - uninvited to my ‘waste of time' wedding," Denny declared, tapping the table hard with his index finger. "Burke! You can be Izzie's bride-person."

"Burke can't be a bridesmaid, you asked him to be a groomsman," Alex said while Burke laughed at Denny's drunk declarations. "Jesus, man, you're gone."

"‘Course I asked him," Denny told Alex, patting him on the head like a dog. "Burke saved my life. So he gets to be in the wedding."

Alex knew that was why Denny asked him and he was about to try to remind Denny that Denny was trying to replace Yang with Burke when Burke already had a job. Then Alex's own thoughts confused him and he ended up laughing and doing another round of shots when Sloan toasted to his offer to be Izzie's bridesmaid if Yang was out.

"I make a great best man too," Sloan told Burke loudly. Man, he was a loud drunk. "I was Derek's best man."

"And now you're sleeping with his ex-wife?" Webber said, cracking Alex and Denny up at the unexpected jab. "What point are you trying to make here, Sloan?"

"That if Burke decides to call it quits in a few years, Sloan's there to bang his wife," Alex said. Burke chuckled, but Denny freaking screamed he was laughing so hard.

"Hey! I'm a changed man!" Sloan swore, finally cracking his own laugh with everyone else. "Addison's made an honest man of me. My man whore days are over, so I would be a great best man."

"If I can convince Cristina to have a wedding, you and Karev can flip a coin for it," Burke told him.

"Oh no you don't!" Denny threw his arm around Alex's shoulders and tugged him right over in his side. "Get your own best man! This one's mine!"

It was weird, alright? Alex hanging out with a group of guy friends. Alex never stuck around one place long enough to make friends as a kid, then he spent most of his time taking care of his mom when he was in his hometown. In college, Alex busted his ass studying and picking up odd jobs to feed himself, so he never had time to make friends then either.

So it was weird to sit and drink while Denny and Burke argued about who got to use Alex as a best man in a group of dudes that were kind of like Alex's friends.

It was cool, but weird.

April 30th

"Evil Spawn, scram." Cristina threw open Meredith's bedroom door and scared the hell out of her and kind of interrupted the beginning of what would probably have been really great sex.

"It's my bed, Yang," Alex snapped. "You scram."

"Meredith?" Cristina looked to Meredith and Meredith could see the stress on her face, even if Alex couldn't.

Meredith sighed, giving up on sex just for Cristina. "Alex, she needs me," she told him apologetically. "You have to scram or scoot over."

"Fake mommy's in the kitchen making pancakes with Torres," Cristina said, climbing right in their bed and squeezing between Meredith and Alex. "Go annoy them with your presence."

Alex bitched his whole way out the door, but he did let Meredith have Cristina time. Alex was kind of great.

"What's up?" Meredith asked, pulling Cristina over to cuddle with her. It wasn't weird, Cristina was Meredith's person, they cuddled and they talked.

"Burke wants a wedding," Cristina said. "And he called our moms, our moms, Meredith. I woke up to Mama Burke and my mother in our apartment, wedding planning."

"Seriously?" Meredith asked. "Like he went behind your back and called them?"

"Yes!" Cristina cried. "I said no marriage, he talks me into a marriage. I say ‘fine, but no wedding', he calls our mothers! I am trying to suck it up, get through it so he's happy, but he is not listening to me."

No, he really wasn't. Cristina was already compromising with the marriage, Burke should compromise on the wedding.

"Am I talking you into it or sharing my opinion?" Meredith checked, because it was two separate things. If Cristina needed talked down the aisle, Meredith could do that. If Cristina wanted to hear what she had to already know, Meredith would say it.

"I love him," Cristina said. "I don't want to lose him, Meredith."

"Then listen up." Meredith rolled over so she could cup Cristina's face with her hands and stare firmly in her eyes. "It is one day, Cristina. One stupid day in one stupid white dress. Who cares if Burke wants the show to have some photos? Suck. It. Up. You love him? Then put a damn dress on, smile when you say ‘I do', and get over yourself."

Cristina breathed slowly for a few seconds before she finally relaxed and Meredith saw the acceptance replacing the stress.

"Thank you," she said. "You're a wonderful maid of honor."

"Oh damn." Meredith let go of Cristina's face and flipped on her back so she could cross her arms and glare at the ceiling. "Do I have to wear the same dress? Because there's only so much pink I can stand."

Izzie had Meredith in a dress so pink that Alex called her Barbie every time he saw it. It was awful and if Meredith didn't love Izzie then she'd point blank refuse to wear it.

"That's up to Mama Burke and my mother," Cristina said. "If I'm wearing a stupid white dress, you can wear a pink one though."

Meredith sighed, she knew she should have told Cristina to stand firm on refusing a wedding.

"Fine," Meredith conceded. "It's one day. Which day, by the way?"

"Also not up to me," Cristina complained. "I'm hoping they can like speed plan it for Friday so everyone will be too busy at Izzie's wedding to come to mine."

Meredith started to laugh, then she thought about the day. "Friday isn't Izzie's wedding," she reminded Cristina. "It's on the second."

"Yeah, that's Friday."

No, because… that would mean…

"Okay, I'm better," Cristina said while Meredith still silently counted dates in her head. "I did totally run out of the apartment though so I should probably go find Burke, let him know it's fine. Hey, can I have some of the fake mommy pancakes or do we still hate her?"

"No, go ahead," Meredith told her distractedly. "Susan's fine, I told her she can come over."

Was it already the end of April? Meredith had been so busy lately with trying to get a clinical trial for brain tumors off the ground, studying for the intern exam at the end of May that would determine if she moved on to become a resident, and dealing with all of her normal workload… how did she lose track of the dates so quickly? How did the whole month pass by in such a blur?

How was her period two weeks late and she didn't even notice until then?!

Meredith felt nauseous - emotion-induced nauseous - while she dressed after Cristina left. She couldn't be pregnant, she just couldn't. There was too much to do, not enough hours in the day. Meredith was stressed and exhausted just from work and studying and trying to have any life at all, there was not any time for a baby.

It could be stress, or a lack of sleep, or maybe Alex gave Meredith an STD. Okay, maybe the last one wasn't exactly likely - they'd been together for nearly a year, Meredith was pretty sure she was the only person Alex slept with.

Maybe not though, maybe Alex was sleeping with nurses again!

Was it horrible that Meredith was actually hoping that her boyfriend was cheating on her? Because that would really suck, but not as much as being pregnant would.

Meredith stuck her head in the kitchen, planning to hiss at Cristina that it was her turn for a breakdown, only to see a lot of Susan, Alex, and Callie and no Cristina.

"Meredith, good morning." Susan - bright, shiny Susan - frowned when she saw Meredith in the doorway. "Oh, dear, you don't look like you feel well."

"It's the cards," Callie said. "They're too powerful for some people."

It was not Callie's study cards that she shared with Meredith for their upcoming exam. It was the date and Alex was looking at Meredith and Izzie and Cristina were going to get married and was Meredith pregnant?!

"I'm going to throw up," Meredith breathed, a second before she pushed past Susan to actually vomit in the sink. Someone held Meredith's hair back for her and all she could hope was that she had the flu that had been going around and it wasn't morning sickness.

When did morning sickness start? At two weeks?

Alex would know, if Meredith could ask him. If she asked him, he'd want to know why and then Meredith would have to tell him and since it wasn't true, she wasn't going to tell him.

It was the flu.

"Mer, you look like shit," Alex said - the possible father of her child, such a gentleman. He was the one holding Meredith's hair though, so he got maybe a point for that. "Why don't we call off today? Stay home and eat soup or something?"

Meredith rinsed her mouth out and tried to think of a way to get rid of Alex without him being suspicious. There was no way that Meredith was peeing on a stick with Alex pacing around and saying things.

Callie, unknowingly, immediately gave her the excuse she needed. "You can't skip," she said. "We've got the rare bone disease lady, Karev!"

"I can stay," Susan offered. Meredith couldn't even duck before Susan's hand laid on Meredith's forehead. "You feel feverish," she said, clicking her tongue. "Why don't you go lay down? I'll bring you some tea?"

Meredith really, really, didn't want to spend the day with Susan hovering around her. It was only a little bit better than having Alex trying to stay home with her and hovering around her though.

"Would you?" Meredith asked Susan, trying to look sickly enough to be pathetic but not so pathetic that Alex thought she was dying again. Apparently that was a big deal for him. So medium sick, she needed to look medium sick.

"You sure?" Alex asked her quietly, squinting his eyebrows together. "I can stay, that rare bone lady doesn't need me."

"No, you go," Meredith told him. "It's probably the flu, I'll be fine. I'll just sleep and study."

It was the flu. If Meredith died while trying to save a life and her mom died alone in her own bed because her daughter was dead in another room - the world owed her a favor. And Meredith was cashing in that favor for the flu.

"Alright," Alex said, obviously confused. If Meredith was actually sick, she'd want Alex to give her get well soon sex and post-sex studying. Alex started to duck his head to kiss her and Meredith purposefully breathed in his face when he changed his mind last second.

"Getting me sick isn't going to get you the top score," he told her. He kissed her cheek quickly and then jumped away from the germs that Meredith definitely had. "Love you, have fun…" He glanced at Susan and winked subtly at Meredith. "Or whatever."

"I'm not going to kiss you," Callie said as she dumped the dirty dishes in the sink. There was still a spot of puke in there, Meredith should probably throw those dishes away. "Stay out of my room, if I'm not getting laid then I'm at least not getting sick either."

Meredith probably let Susan around a little too often, they were getting way too comfortable saying things around her. Susan didn't even blink about Callie's comment over her tragic sex life, she just told Meredith to go to bed and wait for tea and toast.

Susan was kind of awesome, kind of much more awesome than Meredith wanted her to be. Susan was actually kind of awesome enough that when she walked in Meredith's room with a tray of toast and tea and saw Meredith fully dressed and pacing, she only sighed.

"So there was a reason you wanted Alex to leave," she said. "I thought so. Is everything alright?"

"How do you know that?" Meredith demanded. It wasn't Susan's fault that Meredith's period was late or that Meredith had the flu. But there she was, being kind of awesome and saying things that - that Ellis would never say.

‘Is everything alright?'

She would yell until Meredith went directly to work because surgeons do not take sick days, they do not make mistakes. Ellis made one, it was Meredith. Meredith really didn't want to pass that on to her hypothetical flu child.

"I…" Susan wiped her hands on her pants, kind of making Meredith feel like a bitch. Because Susan had been around long enough to not care about Callie's sex comments and Meredith knew that she wiped her hands on her pants when she was nervous.

"I did raise two girls and - well, I like to think I've gotten to know you these last couple of months," Susan said. God, did she have to smile so sweetly?!

"If you don't want to tell me, you don't have to," she said. "But, you know, I'm an okay listener if you do want to."

"I'm late," Meredith blurted out to her. "Very late. Two weeks late. I could have the flu or I could be pregnant."

"And you don't want to be pregnant, so we're hoping for the flu." Susan was very quick on the uptake. "So! You need a pregnancy test. I can go pick one up if you need to study or eat. You should try and eat, at least stay hydrated in case it is the flu."

Meredith wanted to hate Susan, she wanted Susan to be a horrible person because then she wouldn't have to think about how if Thatcher tried, if he just tried, Meredith could be a different person. Meredith could be a person with a stepmom and sisters and she could have had family dinners on weekend and have one person, one person, who had supported her when she had been a kid.

Meredith could have had one person who liked her, maybe loved her, when she needed it.

"You are a very hard person to hate," Meredith told Susan with a sigh. She sat down on her bed because she did feel nauseous, since she had the flu and all. "Do you know that?"

"Well, I'm happy to hear it," Susan said with a grin. Susan was a smiley parent, a happy parent. That would have been interesting to grow up around.

"Does this mean you do need a test?" she asked. "I don't mind picking one up, I think you're out of toilet paper anyway."

"I can go get it," Meredith said. "Really, you do too much. I appreciate you helping me get rid of Alex though."

"Meredith, don't be silly," Susan said. "You're either sick or pregnant and you shouldn't be alone in either case. Now, you stay here and have some tea, study your flashcards. I'll be back in just a jiffy."

Meredith might not have even needed a father growing up, not if she could have had a Susan.

Susan worked fast; Meredith only ate half of a piece of toast, sipped some of the tea, and worked her way through half of the cardiac flashcards before Susan was back with the bag of truth.

If it was negative, Meredith had the flu and a late period.

If it was positive… God…

"What would we do?" Meredith asked, looking at the box that Susan offered her. Meredith couldn't take it yet, not until she knew what she would do.

It would change her entire life - it would. Because Meredith wasn't ready for a child, she had her career and Alex had his career, but… but Meredith couldn't abort.

Was that the decision her mother made when she knew she was pregnant with Meredith? Did she decide that she couldn't get an abortion and instead she had a daughter that she didn't want?

Would Meredith hate her child? Resent them for their entire life? God, if she didn't abort then would Meredith just be reliving her mother's entire life?

"You would have options," Susan said, quietly breaking through Meredith's spiraling thoughts. Meredith focused on her and - and, God, why couldn't she have had Susan Grey?

"If you wanted to abort, I think that would be understandable," Susan said gently. "You and Alex are starting your careers, nobody would think any less of you for it, I certainly wouldn't. If you wanted to keep it, well - there's daycare and - and I would love to babysit. You would have support from the people who love you, Meredith, no matter what you decided."

Meredith's fingers in her outstretched hand curled in, refusing to take the box to find out if she was going to change everything. "I can't," she admitted. "I can't take it and find out that I've - I've gotten pregnant with a kid I'm not ready for or that I'll resent. I can't take it and find out that I'm just living the same life my mother did. I don't want to have a kid and hate them."

"Meredith…" Susan reached out and took Meredith's hand in hers while everything in her expression softened to a painful degree. It was painful seeing Susan being so kind and supportive and saying things like ‘people who love you'.

"I never knew your mother, not really, and I don't want to speak ill of the woman who raised you, but you would never be Ellis, Meredith. You're already so warm and friendly. Do you think Ellis would let her friend turn her house into a bridal show? Or study with her friends instead of alone? Ellis certainly never would have let me come around, she would never have given Thatcher a second chance like you have. Honey, I don't think you could hate a child because as much as you look like her, you're just not your mother."

Susan's very kind and well-meaning speech was all that Meredith needed to snatch the box with the test in it and flee to the bathroom. It wasn't that Meredith believed it all, not really, but she wasn't going to cry in front of Susan.

And she was going to cry - all alone, in the bathroom, while she peed on a stick.

"You can do this," Meredith whispered to herself while she waited to look at the test. She washed her face off, pushed down all the terrifying emotions, and thought about Alex. "Alex loves you, he loves kids. Will he probably scream a lot at first? Yes. Will he get over it?" Meredith looked at herself in the mirror and hoped she wasn't wrong. "Probably," she conceded. "Worst case scenario, you tell him you're pregnant and he objects to Izzie and Denny's wedding and runs off in the sunset with Izzie to have her very tall and blonde babies."

That was the worst case scenario. Meredith could survive that, and if she could survive the worst case scenario then she could look down at the test once the sixty seconds were over.

All she had to do was look down… look down at the test. It was so easy, it was a simple movement of her eyes.

Instead, what she did was choose to very maturely turn and leave the bathroom without ever looking at the test so she could ask Susan to look for her. Because, really, the worst case scenario would suck. It would absolutely suck and Meredith maybe couldn't survive that. It wouldn't kill her immediately, it would be more of a slow death of dark and painful depression.

Meredith could pace her bedroom floor while her stomach twisted up inside of her while Susan went to check the test. Meredith could look at her closet door every time she reached that side of the room and wonder how disappointed her mom would be if she were there. She didn't need to wonder, really, she knew how disappointed she would be.

"Meredith?" Susan walked in with the disgusting pee stick in her hand. "You should sit down, dear."

"I can't sit," Meredith snapped. "I cannot sit down because Alex is going to run off with Izzie and they're going to make their babies and I will be here, in this big lonely house, with only my mother's ashes and my stepmom to help me raise this child. I. Cannot. Sit."

"No, really," Susan insisted. "You should lay down, actually, because you're not pregnant, you have the flu. And you're probably under a lot of stress, which could be how you caught the flu. My mother used to say…"

Susan was still talking about how stress could make Meredith sick or something like that - Meredith wasn't sure because she was busy taking the test right out of Susan's hand to look at it herself.

A plus sign - pregnant.

A single line - not pregnant.

Meredith had a single line, not pregnant.

There was no life-changing baby in her womb, Alex didn't have to marry Izzie.

"It's the flu." Meredith looked down at the single line and laughed. "It's just the flu, that's it."

"That's it," Susan agreed cheerfully. "So if you lay down, get some rest, then you'll be just fine in a day or so and I'm sure your cycle will pick back up."

It was impulsive, and stupid, but Susan was just so relentlessly kind. She was there, saying all the right things, and being so kind to Meredith even though she really didn't have to be. Meredith wasn't her daughter, she wasn't related to her at all, but Susan didn't seem to care.

"Thank you," Meredith said, hugging her. It was awkward at first, Meredith didn't hug many people who weren't Alex… probably zero people who weren't Alex and she really didn't hug Alex all that often.

Then Susan wrapped her arms around Meredith and she was warm and she smelled like a mom and even if it made Meredith's chest hurt, it was nice.

Meredith actually spent the rest of the day with Susan. She did hover some and kept bringing Meredith tea that she didn't really like, but they talked and Susan helped her study and it was almost fun.

Susan told Meredith about her daughter, Lexie, and her own medical education. Lexie was set to intern at Massachusetts General that summer and Susan hated it.

"I just wish she would consider Seattle Grace," Susan said. She held up the next flashcard and read it for Meredith. "What are the components of the primary assessment in trauma?"

"Don't fall in the water is first," Meredith said from experience and all. "Then it's ABCDE: airway, breathing, circulation, disability, exposure. Did Lexie not match at Seattle?"

"Correct," Susan said. "And she did, but - well, I think she was nervous to be at the same hospital as you and Mass Gen is ranked almost as high."

"It's not as high though," Meredith pointed out. Would it be weird having Lexie Grey in the same hospital as her? Yeah, probably. Would it be any more strange than Meredith laying in bed with Susan while she studied and got smothered with soup and tea? No, Meredith didn't think it could be any more strange than that.

"Maybe you could talk to her?" Susan asked hopefully, flipping to the next card. "The two of you would just get along great, maybe we could have dinner or something when she gets home from school? The rule of 9's in burn victims."

Meredith listed the breakdown for burn victims and found herself also agreeing to having dinner with Susan, Thatcher, and Lexie when Lexie returned home from school in June.

And Alex, of course.

Alex made it home just after Susan left that night. Meredith felt a little guilty for Susan staying at her house all day, but Susan swore it was lonely at her house with Thatcher at work and neither girl living there anymore.

"What smells awesome?" Alex asked, shedding his shirt just before he jumped in bed with Meredith.

"Chicken soup, made from scratch by fake mommy," Meredith bragged. "Do you know why she made me chicken soup?"

"Uh, because Susan likes you?"

"Nope. Because I have the flu," Meredith said happily. "I am stressed out and I have the flu and so Susan made chicken soup."

"Yeah? You know Susan folded my socks?" Alex asked. "She literally folded my socks, Mer. Maybe we should like kick her out sometimes or tell her she's not a servant or whatever. Either that or Torres said she's going to start tipping her like housekeeping."

Meredith laughed and tossed the flashcards on her nightstand so she could roll over and cuddle up to Alex. "No tipping Susan and no kicking her out. I think I like her. She saved you from marrying Izzie, you know."

"Meredith…" Alex groaned even as he shifted so they could lay together more comfortably with Meredith's head tucked on his arm and his other hand on her baby-free stomach. "Sometimes you say shit like I'm supposed to know what it means and I never freaking know what it means."

Honestly? That was probably for the best. Meredith didn't need to rehash the pregnant-not-pregnant spiral to him. Susan had dealt with Meredith's problems all day and barely left unscathed, Meredith wasn't going to unload a non-issue on Alex.

"Sex, soup, study?" Meredith suggested instead.

Alex turned his head and kissed her on the top of hers. "While you have the flu? Yeah, that sounds real sexy. How about I go get us soup and then we can study?"

That wasn't quite as good, but Meredith wasn't going to get picky. The sun was shining, her womb was empty, and she sort of had a really great day.

*****

"Last chance to run," Alex whispered to Denny, half-heartedly. It would be a shitty time to run, right in front of a church filled with family and friends, but if he wanted to then Alex could fake a seizure or something as a distraction.

Burke chuckled quietly on Alex's other side, standing solemnly with his hands in front of him while they waited for the music to start. Denny only grinned and shook his head though, Alex didn't think he would talk him out of it.

Not that Alex had a reason to, except for getting out of the tuxedo he wore that much quicker.

"I'll take my chances," Denny whispered back. "Hey, who knows, right? Burke's next, then it'll be time for you and Meredith to quit living in sin and all that."

Alex made a face, then fixed his face when he remembered all the people watching him. Why rush into a marriage and risk messing up a good thing? Alex and Meredith were happy, they didn't need a legal piece of paper changing things on them.

The piano in the back started up and everyone in the church turned toward the doorway. Burke made a quiet noise when Yang walked in first, looking much too girly in her pink dress with the pink and gold bouquet in her hands. She looked nice, Alex guessed.

Weird though, seeing Yang in pink.

Once Yang was up on Izzie's side, Meredith started down the aisle and Alex's breath caught in his throat.

Meredith walked down the aisle in the pink dress Alex had seen a dozen times before, it looked different then - when it was mixed with the flowers in her hair, the bouquet in her hands… Meredith's hair was halfway up, a few tendrils laying on her forehead.

She didn't look like a Barbie like Alex told her, she looked beautiful. She looked so god damned beautiful that Alex imagined that pink in white, a ring on Meredith's left hand…

Why not? If being with Meredith was such a good thing, why shouldn't they get married?

They had a couple of weeks of vacation coming up after their intern exam. Alex could take Meredith to meet his mom, maybe Aaron and Amber too if they were alright with it. They had been together a year, Alex met her parents and stepmom, why not his?

Why not save up for a nice ring and ask Meredith to be with him forever? Alex loved her, she loved him, it didn't have to ruin things.

Alex's eyes followed Meredith while he pictured a future of them being together. Even Izzie coming down the aisle in her dress wasn't enough to take Alex's focus off Meredith.

It wasn't until Izzie leaned forward and whispered to Denny that Alex thought about anything else outside of seeing Meredith walking down the aisle toward him in a white dress. And even Iz's shocking whisper only distracted Alex for a second —

"I'm pregnant," Izzie whispered to Denny with a smile that stretched clear across her face. Alex blinked and shook off the thoughts he had, waited to see if Denny had some cue for Alex to create a distraction.

All Denny did was smile twice as hard as Izzie and damn if Alex didn't hear him sniffle.

Everything was real for them, they were all moving forward with the person they loved. Maybe it was immature to think that a marriage would wreck a good relationship.

Maybe it was time for Alex to grow up.

Alex stood behind Denny, kind of secretly pumped that he was picked to be his best man, and had the perfect view of Meredith behind Izzie during the ceremony. Meredith smiled at him and Alex pictured Meredith in a less-poofy white dress, something simple…

The more he thought about it, the more he liked it. Alex would get a pay bump after he passed his intern exam and became a resident, he had some money saved and decent enough credit.

Yeah, maybe it was time for him to grow up. They could start with a trip to Iowa in their two weeks off after their internships ended, let Meredith meet his family… then Alex could get a ring, ask Meredith to be with him forever.

It was cheesy and stupid, but damn if Alex didn't spend Denny and Izzie's wedding picturing a million different ways he could do it.

"You look awfully thoughtful," Meredith whispered when the ceremony ended and they walked down the aisle together. "Is this the part where you tell me you're secretly still in love with Izzie? Because I don't know how to tell you this, but she's apparently pregnant."

"What? No," Alex rolled his eyes, he couldn't be any less in love with Izzie than he was. "I just - uh… I dunno. You ever think about it? Getting married? Doing the whole thing one day?"

"The whole marriage and kids thing?" Meredith asked. She hummed quietly and as soon as they were out of the church hall, Alex pulled her to the side. Izzie and Denny were wrapped up in each other anyway, they didn't need a round of congratulations yet.

"Yeah, one day," Alex said hastily. He wasn't in a rush to have a kid or anything, but… but maybe Alex wouldn't suck as a dad, not if he had Meredith. They could like learn together or whatever.

It could be kind of great.

"Maybe, yeah," Meredith said, her smile just a little shy when she looked up at Alex. "If I was with the right person, I might think about marriage and kids one day."

Alex's smile grew too freaking wide and he bent down and kissed Meredith nice and slow, taking his time to try and force her to know what that meant to him.

"Good," he told her, a little breathless when they had to break apart as the guests filled the entrance hall of the church. "I'll tell Shepherd you're waiting for the right person."

"God." Meredith slapped Alex's stomach and he huffed - she was stronger than she looked. "You're such an ass," she said.

"Yeah." Alex took her hand so they could go congratulate Denny and Izzie. "Come meet my family next month anyway."

"Your family?" Meredith asked. "Like your mom and brother and sister?"

"Yeah, I mean, my mom's nuts, but she's my mom and I haven't seen her in a while," Alex said. "And I deal with your family all the time, so you can probably deal with meeting my crazy mom."

Meredith waited until the couple in front of them walked off before she shrugged, pretending like Alex couldn't see the little sparkle in her eyes. "Yeah, I can deal with that."

Alex kept his cool while they congratulated their friends, he kept his cool while they posed for photos and danced and partied at the reception. Alex laughed when Denny got a little tipsy and asked him to be his child's godfather. Alex kept his cool and he laughed and danced with Meredith and didn't scream to the sky that Alex, for once in his god damned life, was being considered the ‘right person'.

May 15th

"Can I tell you something?"

Alex looked up from his notes and debated on if he really wanted to be bothered by Torres just then. Webber told Bailey that all interns, all freaking three of them, were off surgeries until their intern exam was over, to give them time to study. Unless there was a huge mass casualty or something, all Alex was supposed to be doing was studying.

Torres seemed anxious though, all uptight and fidgety. Alex couldn't imagine why she'd want to tell him something, unless she literally couldn't find anyone else to talk to.

"Sure," he said. He'd been buried in books since he got to the hospital, he could pause for a minute to hear what was up with her.

Torres pulled out the other chair in OB's small library and then scooted it so close to Alex that their knees were touching. If she was about to confess some weird crush on him… he'd be flattered, Torres was hot, but he wasn't going to screw up—

"I kissed Addison," Torres blurted out in a hushed voice. "And - and I liked it. I liked it a lot. So am I gay?"

Alex kind of stared at her because there was Torres, right in his face, talking about kissing Addison and being gay. Alex was studying, why the hell…

"You kissed Addison?" Alex repeated. He could be dreaming, but it would probably be Meredith making out with a chick if he was. Now that would be hot, like hot-hot.

"We all went out last night." Torres was twisting her fingers in her lap, way bent out of shape about something that Alex probably would have liked to see. He loved Meredith, it didn't mean he wouldn't have looked while Torres and Addison went at it.

"Me, Mark, and Addison," Torres went on. It was like cold water being dumped on Alex's head - Sloan being added to the mix. The guy didn't suck as much as he used to, woohoo, Alex still wasn't going to fantasize about him.

"We got a little drunk and Mark made a joke about how he's slept with both of us so why not do it again, together, and - and I kissed Addison."

"Hell yeah," Alex said. He held a fist out and Torres did not bump it. "Dude, what's the issue? She's hot, you're human. Maybe you're bisexual, or whatever, who cares?"

"The issue is that I like men," Torres hissed. "I really like men, Alex. You know that. I like penis, men's penises. I - I can't like women, I can't."

"Clearly you can," Alex said, turning back to his book. Listening to a chick describe making out with another chick was great, hearing her freak out about it was not his problem. That was just sad, depressing really.

"My family is Catholic. I can't be gay. And - and maybe I'm not gay! Maybe I was just drunk?"

"Dude." Alex rolled his eyes at Torres briefly. "I get drunk with Denny all the time, I've never once thought about kissing him."

And Denny was a good-looking dude. So if Alex wasn't even a little bit tempted when he was drunk, then alcohol wasn't Torres's issue.

"So what do I do?" Torres asked. "Alex? What should I do?"

"Jesus." Alex slapped his hand on his book and huffed at Torres. "I don't know, go kiss her again, see if you like it sober. Or have a freaking threesome with them, see if you're into her as much as you are him. I don't know, Torres, test it out. Catholics can be gay too, it happens every day."

"You're an asshole, you know that, right?" Torres asked, getting up all pissy. "I was talking to you as a friend."

"And I told you the same thing I'd tell any of my friends," Alex muttered, already back in his book. "If you didn't like the answer, that's your problem."

"You're an ass," Torres said again - thankfully on her way out the door.

Alex might be an ass, but she was like a bi in denial, which was just sad. God, that was like a tragedy all on its own. It was almost enough to keep Alex distracted from studying, but then he pictured having to repeat his intern year and that got his ass back on track.

It was easier to study in the hospital, though Alex didn't think anyone would notice if he left to study at home. The hospital was quiet and with a lot less distractions than Alex would find at home. The steady buzz of people passing through the hallways helped some, it was background noise but nothing that Alex cared to turn around and check out.

"Hey."

Alex didn't groan at the interruption because it was the only person that he didn't mind being interrupted by. Meredith walked in and plopped down in the other seat with a bag of food from Subway.

"Susan brought us lunch," she said. "Well, actually she made my dad go get us lunch while Izzie treated her."

"Hell yes." Alex moved his books away so he could take the sub in the bag, meatball on Italian - Meredith must have told Susan or Thatcher what he liked. "What's wrong with Susan?" he asked before he took a huge bite.

"She's got consistent hiccups," Meredith laughed. She pulled out another bag from the bag and took one of the chocolate chip cookies from it. "Izzie gave her Thorazine, poor Susan thought we were calling her crazy."

Alex tried to say she was crazy, but he couldn't even really joke with his mouth stuffed full of a hot meal.

"Izzie's apparently due on New Year's Day," Meredith said. "Did you know she had a baby when she was sixteen? I guess she gave her up for adoption. Izzie's really hoping this one is a boy, Denny wants a girl."

Alex did not know Izzie had a baby at sixteen, it was probably smart of her to give her up though. Izzie grew up in a trailer park, she'd probably still be there if she kept the kid. Alex did know Denny wanted a girl because he told him so at least ten times since finding out about it at the wedding.

"Addison's giving her a checkup tomorrow, make sure everything's okay," Meredith went on. "They're worried about congenital heart defects, anything that the baby could inherit from Denny."

"They should be worried about it catching Izzie's craziness," Alex pointed out. "A sick baby can be cured, you can't fix crazy."

"You know… if we had babies, they'd have a good chance of either having Alzheimer's or schizophrenia," Meredith said. Alex choked on his sandwich, not really expecting that to be the next topic of gossip shared. "So… crazy babies and a crazy wife might not really be what you want your future to look like."

Meredith said it so casually that Alex wondered how long she had been sitting on that. That was what she did, she let all sorts of shit build up in her head then mentioned it all casual when Alex was eating or something. He'd been damn near asleep when Meredith pointed out that her mom was dead, a good month after she died.

So Alex took a minute, made sure his reply wasn't anything that was going to send Meredith on another two week spiral of if their future babies would have schizophrenia or Alzheimer's Disease.

"Mer, shut up," he said. He kissed her on the lips, he didn't even care if she got some marinara on her. "I'll like our crazy babies and I don't give a damn if you go nuts, you're already halfway there and I haven't shot you in the head yet."

"You're such an ass," Meredith laughed, wiping her face off. "You can't possibly want to be stuck with crazy babies and an old lady wife who won't remember your name."

Yeah, maybe that was what would happen.

"Look, we spin the dice and might get some crazy ass kids who try to stab us in our sleep and can't find their own nose by the time they're twenty," Alex said. "Or we don't. Who cares? Denny's kid might end up with half of a heart and crazy as hell. That's the risk for anyone, Mer. We're not really all that special."

Did Alex want to deal with a schizophrenic kid? Not really, Alex didn't wish it on anyone, especially not his hypothetical kid. It wasn't like he didn't have the experience though and medicine had come a long way since when Alex's mom was first diagnosed.

It would suck, it was one of Alex's worst fears to end up with schizophrenia or to pass it on to his kid. With Meredith though? They could deal with it, Alex didn't know why he was so sure of it - but he was.

"What happened to you?" Meredith asked. She wasn't smiling, but there was a little sparkle in her eyes that meant she was working hard to not smile so Alex must have said something right. "You're all sparkly and positive. Did Izzie infect you? Are you infected with optimism? We are doctors, Alex, I can cure you."

"Would you go away?" Alex laughed. Before Meredith could take the last cookie, Alex snagged it. "Leave the food and do me a favor? Walk real slow so I can admire the view."

"Maybe our kids won't be schizophrenics with Alzheimer's, but they will be little assholes." Meredith kissed Alex again and she was the one to leave cookie crumbs on his face. "I love you, have fun studying. I'm off to hide in the clinic."

Alex turned so he could watch Meredith walk away, she had a great ass. "Slower," he told her. "C'mon, let me see a shimmy."

Meredith flipped him off behind her back and - yeah, alright, their kids would be little assholes. Who cared? If they were like Meredith then they'd be little brilliant and badass superheroes too.

Alex and Meredith could deal with it later. All Alex had time for just then was to study for the intern exam and eat the food that Susan Grey brought him.

One day, he'd marry Meredith and Susan wouldn't be Meredith's fake-mommy anymore, she'd be Alex's step-mother-in-law and maybe she'd bring them food all the time.

It was kind of nice to think about.

Alex managed a couple of hours of studying through ortho and neuro before he was interrupted again. So maybe he should have studied at home.

"Karev!" It was Addison that time, rushing in the little room and slamming the door behind her. "I need to talk to you. It's important."

Alex started to push his book away, thinking maybe it was some super kickass case or Addison needed an intern for a surgery or maybe she had her own set of flashcards that would guarantee Alex passed his exam.

It was none of the freaking above because people did not respect the fact Alex needed to study.

"Listen, something weird happened last night," Addison said quietly. "Very weird. I need you to be a vault with this, okay? I have nobody else to talk to."

If Addison was about to tell Alex—

"Callie kissed me last night," Addison said in a whisper. "It was like a joke, then it wasn't a joke? And Mark keeps talking about it and it's - I'm not gay, right? It's - I mean it's fine if I am - I'm not homophobic or anything, but… I'm not gay, right?"

What was Alex? The freaking bisexual therapist? Did he have a sign stuck to the door saying ‘come in and come out to me'?

"Are you kidding me right now?" Alex asked her. "I am going to bomb this freaking test because you people keep bugging me because you don't want to be bisexual! It was a kiss. Screw her or don't, but who cares if you're gay or whatever?"

If Alex was working, he wouldn't snap off on Addison, but Alex was studying and Addison was just some chick in her mid-thirties having a crisis because she didn't realize maybe she was bisexual. Again, it was tragic and depressing, but not Alex's problem.

"I… wait, did Callie talk to you?" Addison asked. "Tell me the truth or I'll stick you on every ripped mom for the next six months. I will ruin vaginas for you, Karev."

"Look, if you want to know what Torres said, talk to Torres," Alex suggested. "But you know what I would do if I were you? I'd buy a bottle of tequila and invite Torres to your and Sloan's place. Do some shots, have a threesome. When you're done, dump Sloan's ass and date Torres - get her out of my house. Alright?"

"Has anyone ever told you that you're kind of an ass?" Addison asked. "Because you're my favorite intern, and you're an ass."

"And you're bisexual, get over it," Alex said. "Could you shut the door behind you? If one more person bugs me today I'm going to plaster ‘Addison's gay' all across the hospital."

And he would - Alex did it to Izzie one time, it was a wonder that she ever dated him. Not that Izzie was gay, but maybe plastering her lingerie modeling photoshoots in the hospital hadn't been his best moment.

If threatening to do something similar to Addison kept Alex from being bothered by chicks having some sort of bi-crisis though, it might be worth it.

"So, to be clear," Addison paused in the doorway and smirked a little when Alex glared at her in annoyance. "If I follow your advice, you absolutely don't want to know how my night with Callie goes?"

Alex considered that, weighed how much of Sloan would be in the story against how hot Addison and Torres would be. "Would you tell me if I ask?" he checked.

"Absolutely not." Addison sniffed and stuck her nose in the air. "I'm an attending and the future Chief of this hospital and you are an intern who is going to repeat his intern year if he doesn't study."

Alex scowled when Addison tossed her hair and sauntered off, leaving the door wide open behind her. He kicked it shut and debated for less than a second before he decided to lock it too. If Alex didn't get through his books before their test at the end of the month, he was going to repeat the year.

Which meant Alex couldn't waste anymore time playing therapist to chicks and he only gave himself two minutes to picture Addison and Torres together… then it was right back to studying.

Alex had to find new places to study each shift he had leading up to their exam. The library on OB wasn't any good, then there were too many people in and out of the hospital's main library. The first floor was always too loud with the ER and cafeteria, the locker rooms didn't have anywhere comfortable to sit.

Meredith called dibs on the clinic and if Alex tried to study there with her then he'd just get distracted by her. Yang had Burke's office on the cardio floor and the neuro floor was about the last place where Alex would find peace. It took a few shifts to find it, Alex eventually found an empty boardroom down the hallway from the Chief's office.

It was quiet, nobody walked down there too often. It was the best spot Alex could find where he could toss his pager on the table, pull out his books, and study.

Alex was good on OB, he was good on neonatal. He didn't get as many pediatric cases as he would have liked, but he had enough to be comfortable there. It was cardio where Alex was nervous and neuro - he didn't spend enough time on either service to feel too good about those areas of the exam.

Cardiac surgery was tedious, time consuming. It wasn't that Alex wasn't smart enough for it, like Yang liked to say, but for every different rhythm the heart could have - there were different surgeries for each complication. It was a lot.

Alex had swiped some old case files from the library when the bitchy old lady who worked the records wasn't paying any attention. It was easier to read real cases with real information and results than to keep reading the same paragraphs in a book.

Almost every test he took in med school had been on book knowledge, but the intern exam was centered around actual knowledge. Books could teach a lot, but case reports would have what Alex needed in them.

The stack of unread cases were slowly shrinking as Alex made notes and looked at all complications, silently quizzing himself on outcomes and other choices that could have been made.

Then he was freaking interrupted.

"Oh. Karev." Webber started to walk in the boardroom with a brown bag from the Sheraton in his hands, but he paused when he saw Alex. "Are you studying in here?" he asked.

What the hell else did it look like he was doing? Alex had a sharp response on the tip of his tongue before he reminded himself that Webber was his boss.

"Yes, sir," Alex said as respectfully as he could. "It's the only quiet place in the hospital I've found."

It was a hint, a pretty freaking clear one.

Webber chuckled and walked right on in to sit across the table from Alex. "Yeah, it's hard finding places to study here, I'll give you that. Don't mind me, I'm just enjoying my lunch."

Richard Webber was the Chief of Surgery. Webber had been a doctor as long as Alex had been alive. Webber knew that Alex flunked his pre-internship exam and had to retake it. If anyone in the entire freaking hospital knew how important it was that Alex studied his ass off before the end of internship exam, it was—

"Oh, ugh." Webber made a sound that might have actually made Alex's eye twitch. "They put pecans in here. Karev? You like pecans?"

Alex breathed out through his nose slowly before raising his eyes from the case report he wanted to finish. Webber had some fancy looking boxed salad in front of him that he tilted to offer to Alex.

"I'm good, thanks," Alex said.

"Yeah, I don't blame you," Webber sighed. He started picking the pecans out and tossing them in the trash can - plink, plink, plink. "I've asked them to not put pecans in my food, but they don't listen. Now what if I had a serious allergy, huh? Do you think they would care if they killed me off with some pecans?"

Plink. Plink. Plink.

Alex's eye was definitely twitching. There were nine days until the exam. Nine days.

Plink. Plink. Plink.

"Maybe it's time I found my own place," Webber said. "Adele tells me to retire or she's leaving me so I start getting things in order to retire. Then she kicks me out of our house, so I tell her I'm not retiring anymore."

Plink. Plink. Plink.

"Do I want to retire? No. Do I want my wife back? Yes."

"Yeah," Alex interrupted loudly, kind of losing his shit for a second. "Maybe you shouldn't retire if you're not ready. Your job or wife? That's a crappy choice."

"It is a ‘crappy' choice!" Webber agreed, nodding along fiercely. "Now what kind of wife does that? Sets an ultimatum like that? I'm still young, in good health. These jackals competing for my job couldn't care less, they just see a shiny promotion. If I don't want to hand the torch to one of them yet, Adele should understand!"

No… if Webber's wife didn't leave him after his affair with Meredith's mom, then he should retire early to keep her. Women didn't do shit like that unless they were crazy in love.

Or just plain crazy.

Sometimes both.

"Here, have a roll." Webber held out a roll and Alex took it even if he didn't want it. "So you think I should tell Adele that I'm not ready to retire?"

Alex thought that Webber should make Addison the Chief of Surgery then go beg his wife to take him back. That was what Alex would do if he were Webber, but that wasn't going to end the conversation anytime soon.

"You're already living in a hotel," Alex said, nodding at the bag holding the Chief's lunch. Nobody bought food from the Sheraton because it was affordable and tasted good - the roll was dry as hell and tasted like ass. "What do you have to lose?"

"You're right," Webber nodded again. "What kind of man would I be if I gave up my job, cut our retirement benefits short, for an ultimatum? I'm going to tell Adele that I'll - I'll cut back on my hours. Now that is a compromise."

Sure, whatever. Alex really didn't give two craps about Webber's marriage, he just wanted him to go away so he could get back to studying.

"If I do that though…" Webber sighed and Alex's eye twitched again. "Shepherd might leave. I'd hate to replace him, he's a fine surgeon."

"Why would he leave?" Alex asked, actually interested in that. Anything that could get rid of Shepherd was a good idea in Alex's mind.

"I told him he'd be Chief when I retired," Webber said. He cleared his throat and glanced toward the door then raised his eyebrows at Alex. "Which I hope can stay just between us."

The two of them and Meredith, sure.

If Shepherd had been the one in line to take Webber's job, not Addison, then Alex definitely didn't want Webber to go. Webber's marriage wasn't Alex's problem, Seattle Grace Hospital was.

"If he doesn't understand that you love your job and don't want to leave it, then screw him," Alex said firmly. "If Adele loves you, the real you, then she'll understand too."

"You're right," Webber said - which Alex absolutely wasn't. "I'm telling Adele that I'm not ready to retire and I'm telling Shepherd that he can wait for the job."

"Good." Alex could play along, hype the Chief up. Hell, who knew? Maybe it would work out for him. "You're the Chief, you're the man. You got this."

"I do got this." Webber stood up and packed his lunch right back up in the bag. "I'm the Chief, I'm the man. I got this."

Alex nodded and gave the Chief a thumbs up, waiting to roll his eyes until he was gone. That guy was about to blow up his whole marriage, but at least Shepherd wouldn't be the Chief of Surgery.

The rest of the day seemed to start crawling by as Alex read case by case, the words sometimes blurring in front of him. Alex had to backtrack a few times when he couldn't even remember what he just read.

By the time the door opened again, Alex was ready for a brief break.

"Hey, you." Meredith was the one to walk in, looking about as fed up with studying as Alex was. "Oh," she looked at the table covered in case reports, books, and notes. "Have you been studying all day?"

So maybe she wasn't fed up with studying.

"Have you not been?" Alex asked. Bailey kicked them all off surgeries, they were all just meant to study. That was it. Alex was getting paid to study so he didn't fail the damn test and waste the hospital's time for his internship.

"I mean, I was, but then I got bored and Sloan let me on his service," Meredith said. "Cristina's in with Bailey, Susan's having an ablation done, her hiccups just will not stop. And of course my father is completely panicking even though I told him it's a very simple procedure."

Which explained why Meredith looked frazzled even if she wasn't studying. Meredith probably didn't need to study, Meredith was so damned naturally smart. Alex was alright with practical exams, but written exams? The words just moved around on the pages until every question became a trick question.

"Did you know Sloan had a threesome with Callie and Addison?" Meredith asked. "I've heard details, Alex, so many details."

"That's because Addison and Torres couldn't decide if they were bisexual or not," Alex snorted. He figured Meredith didn't want to talk about Susan or Thatcher, which was fine by him. An ablation was nothing and Thatcher was a weird guy, Alex definitely preferred Susan to him.

"I told them to just sleep together and figure it out," Alex told her. "Guess they did."

"Sloan thinks they're going to be some weird trio," Meredith grinned. "He's trying to convince Addison to let Callie move in with them to be like sister-wives or something." When Alex lifted an eyebrow, Meredith huffed. "Don't get any bright ideas," she told him. "I'm not sharing our bed with another woman."

"First off, Yang climbs in our bed at least twice a month," Alex reminded her. "And I don't need two of you, Mer. You're enough of a headache on your own."

"As I should be." Meredith grinned and then kissed Alex. "I should get back to my dad, I feel kind of guilty leaving him alone to freak out."

"Have fun babysitting," Alex told her. "I'll be here, studying so I don't have to repeat intern year."

Because there was zero chance that Alex was going to keep his girl, keep his spot on Addison's service, keep his life moving forward if his career took a huge step backward.

Three days before the intern exam, Addison met Alex outside of the boardroom he found for himself with a stack of case reports and a brown grocery bag.

"Take these." Addison dropped everything in Alex's arms. "It's as many general cases as I could find. And food, brain food. Give me your pager, you are only studying today."

"I've been studying," Alex complained. "All I do is freaking study."

"Which is why today is the last day of studying, then you're off for the next two days," Addison said bossily. "You need to give your mind a chance to rest. Do you need anything? I'm serious, I'm not having my soon-to-be best resident stuck as an intern again because you didn't pass this exam."

Yeah, Alex really didn't need told again how important the exam was. Alex knew he had to pass, he knew it.

"Thanks," he said begrudgingly. "You mind keeping your girlfriend and boyfriend from bothering me? I'm not up to playing therapist today."

"Shut up," Addison said. She opened the door for Alex and pointed him inside. "I am not dating Callie and you don't need to be thinking about my private life."

"Whatever you say," Alex said, half a joke. If she was, cool; if not, she'd have to tell Alex about it after the exam.

Addison pretty much locked Alex in the boardroom and he set himself up quickly. There really wasn't much time before the exam… Alex needed to focus.

It was him and the case reports. Him and his textbooks. Him and all of his notes.

That was it.

Well, there was the bag of fruits and bottled water and snack bars that Addison gave him too… for whatever reason.

Alex started with quizzing himself, covering the answers to the list of practice questions he wrote before. They were taken from Torres's flashcards, questions that he could expect to show up on the exam…

There were a few that Alex missed, but he got most of them right.

There wasn't a lot to do besides quizzing himself and reviewing all the material for most of the morning. Alex ate an apple, reviewed cardio. He had a granola bar, went through neuro. When Alex started to peel a banana to start in on general, the door of the room was thrown open.

"Oh, good." Yang had her arms filled with textbooks and she didn't hesitate before dumping them at the opposite side of the table from Alex. She threw herself in the chair and then stole the bag of grapes from him.

"Hey! Get your own food and hiding spot," Alex told her, yanking the bag back toward him. "This place is occupied, Yang."

"I had a hiding spot and it's filled with Burke," Yang scowled. "He's in wedding mode and I need to study. God, it's like he's been infected with the ghost of Izzie. Why do men care about cakes and flowers and freaking centerpieces?"

"I don't give a shit about any of that crap," Alex snapped. "I care about not failing this freaking test, so shut up or scram."

Yang seemed like she was going to shut up at first. After she reclaimed the bag of grapes - that Alex compromised and put in the center of the table to share - she started reading some thick textbook that Alex didn't recognize.

Alex glared at her suspiciously, waiting for her to start yammering on about her upcoming wedding again. When she didn't say a word, Alex refocused on his studies.

Then when Alex managed to forget she was even there, Yang started talking again.

"I mean, why does he care so much?" Yang muttered. "It's not like it even matters. It's a stupid ceremony for a stupid marriage. Why are we rushing for an aisle? Why can't things stay the way they are?"

Alex rubbed his temple with his knuckles; did people seriously think he gave one single damn about their lives? Just because Burke asked Alex to be a part of the wedding didn't mean that Alex cared about any of it. All that meant was that Burke had as many guy friends as Denny did.

"Dude, isn't it a little late for cold feet?" Alex asked. "The wedding's in like four days."

"I had to try on dresses last week," Yang said. "Dresses, Evil Spawn. While Burke was here operating on diseased hearts, he sent me with his mother to choose a stupid white dress to wear for the stupid ceremony for the stupid marriage."

"Yeah, yeah, the whole thing is stupid." Alex grabbed a grape and tossed it at Yang's forehead. "If you don't want to be married, tell him. But do it now before I have to get dressed up again, that tux is itchy."

"I can't tell him because Burke wants all of this crap and I'm just going along with it," she said. "It's one day, I can deal with one day to make him happy."

"A marriage isn't one day," Alex said, getting more and more irritated with Yang. "It's for the rest of your life. If you're putting up and shutting up about the wedding, great, keep shutting the hell up. If you're just planning to ‘deal' with the marriage, then it's the rest of your life, Yang."

And if she was planning on bitching about her relationship, then she should get lost.

Yang froze in place for a moment and Alex waited to see if she had anything else to say because if she waited until he was studying again then he was going to lose his shit on her.

"I love Burke, I'm not calling the wedding off," Yang finally said. "I love him, he loves me, it's one day."

"Maybe if he loved you he wouldn't be pushing some wedding you don't want," Alex said. "And if you don't shut up then I'm going to go find Burke and tell him that you don't like the flowers and colors he chose."

Yang lifted her head enough to glare at Alex. "You wouldn't dare."

He would, he really would.

Yang didn't seem willing to call Alex's bluff - either that or she needed to study as much as he did. Alex didn't care what made her shut up, just as long as she did. They could study in silence together, even if Alex was pretty sure that Yang was more prepared for the test than he was.

It helped keep Alex on track, having Yang in the room. Every time he was tempted to go for a walk or see what Meredith was up to, he saw Yang and imagined her gloating if he didn't pass his test.

Addison stopped by just after noon to check up on him, make sure he was studying. Alex didn't know if he should be annoyed by her hovering or kind of flattered that Addison was so invested in Alex's career.

Both, probably.

Addison also poked her head in long enough to let him know that Meredith got pulled into surgery on Susan Grey, who had developed sepsis from her ablation.

"Can you tell her to come find me when she's done?" Alex asked. Sepsis wasn't an uncommon side-effect of an ablation, but it could be tricky. Meredith was probably stressed about it - it was kind of a shitty time for her to be worrying about the exam and her step-mom.

"Will do," Addison said. "Study, Karev."

No, Addison was definitely more annoying than flattering.

Alex was beginning to wish that he had chosen a room with a locking door when thirty minutes after Addison left, Burke showed up.

"Cristina." Burke had a box that he put on top of Yang's stack of books. He flipped the lid open and Alex glanced over to see half a dozen little sample cakes. "You have to choose a flavor," Burke told her. "The baker needs a decision by five."

"Tell the baker I don't care," Yang said, pushing the box away. "Exam. Studying. I'm not doing cake today."

"Choose a cake…" Burke pushed the box back in front of Yang. "Or I'll find a new bride."

Alex lifted an eyebrow when Yang immediately caved and agreed to choose a cake. Burke nodded politely to Alex and then left them to their studying and cake tasting.

"Dude." Alex took one of the cakes from the box, it said lemon and strawberry, which was kind of a weird mix that Alex needed to taste. "If the cake matters more to him than the bride, I'd run," he told Yang. "You're whipped as hell."

"Says Mister ‘I'll Love Our Crazy Babies'," Yang snarked. If she thought Alex was going to be embarrassed by that, she was wrong.

"Yeah, because Meredith and I are a team, we're partners," Alex said. "It's not the same thing at all. If Meredith walked in and told me to pick a freaking cake or we were over, I'd tell her to go to hell."

"That's because you're a caveman," Yang muttered, sinking down in her seat and looking at her book again. "Tell me if the cake is good or not."

It was, actually. It was freaking delicious.

Alex was much less annoyed by the constant interruptions after he ate the sampler cake and nobody bothered them for another hour. Alex had worked his way through his entire list of questions and actually felt pretty good about the exam.

He'd kick the exam's ass, watch Yang make a giant mistake, then use their break before residency to take Meredith to Iowa. When they got back, Alex would focus on peds, neonatal, and obstetrics surgeries so he could choose which areas he'd specialize in. And he'd probably start saving up for a ring so when he asked Meredith to marry him that she wouldn't laugh her ass off at him.

Alex wasn't usually one for making big plans, but he liked that plan. It was the exact kind of life he hoped he could have after getting out of Iowa.

And it would all work out great if people would just stop freaking barging in on him while he studied.

"Karev." It was Bailey then, throwing the door open and sighing when she saw Alex sitting at the table. "You need to come with me, it's—"

"I can't come with you!" Alex snapped, fed up with everyone pushing him to study then bugging the hell out of him. "You told me to study, you said I couldn't be on any surgeries, that I needed to study for this freaking exam! I am not a therapist for chicks, I am not the Chief's relationship expert. I don't give a damn if Burke gives zero shits about what Yang wants. Do you know what I want? All I want? I want to study for this test that you told me to study for!"

God, he was so sick of it. He should have studied at home, he should have known that nobody in that hospital gave a single fuck about if he passed his intern exam. Maybe Meredith, but that was it. Sure, they all acted like they cared, but—

"While I'm very pleased that you're taking such meticulous care with your studies, I thought you might like to know that your girlfriend needs you," Bailey said, somehow managing to stare Alex down with all five feet of her might. "If you'd rather stay here, fine."

Yang twisted her head around to glance at Bailey. "What's wrong with Meredith?" she asked. "Another organ needing removed?"

"No. Susan Grey just died on her table."

Yeah, so Bailey was the first person to have a completely valid reason to interrupt his studying. Oh, and Alex was an ass.

But that wasn't news.

May 29th

"How?" Alex asked Bailey, walking briskly through the hospital to get to Meredith.

How did Susan die? How did a healthy freaking woman go into a hospital for hiccups and die?

"Sepsis," Bailey said. "Her body went into shock, by the time we opened her up she was already too far gone. Alex," Bailey hesitated when they were on the elevator, headed down to the main floor. "Meredith did not take it well," she added.

Yeah, why would she? Why would Meredith ‘take it well' that the woman who became a freaking mom to her had died? It wasn't bad enough that she lost her mom a few months ago, no… she had to lose Susan too.

And Susan was - she - God. Alex wasn't even able to comprehend that she was gone. He heard Bailey, he knew death happened, but - she'd been at their house teaching Alex how to make homemade noodles like two weeks ago! How did it go from there to gone forever so quickly?!

It sucked, it really sucked. Susan… man, Alex had really liked her. He probably didn't like her as much as Meredith though, so - yeah, it was reasonable if Meredith didn't ‘take it well'.

"Hiccups," Alex said in disbelief. "She had the freaking hiccups."

Alex laughed, he had laughed when Meredith told him that Susan was having an ablation for the hiccups. It was ridiculous, the stupidest thing he ever heard of.

Who died from the hiccups?!

"I know," Bailey agreed solemnly. "Two daughters, a new grandbaby… it's horrible."

Yeah, it was.

Alex didn't have anything to say for the rest of the ride. Bailey took the lead toward the waiting room where Thatcher Grey would be, where Meredith would be soon enough. Alex had been feeling like crap all the way up until he saw Meredith talking to Thatcher.

Meredith looked awful, her face was blotchy and swollen and that made Alex's chest hurt for her. Meredith was tough, she didn't cry. Even when she finally admitted that her mom was dead, she didn't cry.

Susan had been important to her and she was gone, so Alex felt like crap right to the second when Thatcher pulled his hand back and every family member in the room, every doctor watching Meredith tell her dad that her stepmom died, watched Thatcher slap Meredith in the face.

"SHE TRUSTED YOU!" he yelled. "YOU SAID- YOU SAID SHE WOULD BE FINE!"

"Karev, do not," Bailey hissed, making a move to grab Alex's arm. Alex was too fast though, too fast and too pissed to let Bailey grab him.

Alex crossed the room in two strides, his vision actually turning red. It wasn't his brain that was in control when Alex curled his hand in a fist and hit Thatcher ten times as hard as he slapped Meredith, it was pure emotion.

"Don't ever lay a fucking hand on her," Alex yelled, ready to hit him again. "Meredith didn't kill her, you sorry son of a bitch. Do you hear me? This isn't on her!"

Thatcher was just as sorry of a man as Alex called him, he crumpled on the ground and cradled his head between his knees, rocking while his sobs ripped from him. Thatcher was moaning, miserable, and Alex didn't need Meredith walking away to remind him that hitting Thatcher again wasn't going to do anything.

"Mer." Alex turned away from Thatcher while the haze of furious red flew from his body. Meredith was walking away and Alex needed to follow her, needed to stay with her.

Bailey was not slow that time, she did manage to grab Alex's arm before he could follow Meredith. He could only stand there like an idiot while Yang pushed past him to follow Meredith and Bailey kept Alex from going.

"Uh, Chief?" Bailey had an iron grip on Alex's hand, tight enough that it distracted him from the pain in his chest and the pulsing heat from his knuckles. "You wanna do something here?" she asked.

The Chief had been there, only moving closer after Alex hit Thatcher. Alex looked at him and, just like his vision had gone red before, he had another messed up vision —

Getting kicked from the program.

It didn't matter that Thatcher assaulted Meredith, Alex assaulted him in front of the Chief.

"Yes, I am," Webber said. He drew himself up tall and looked down at Karev. "Come on, Karev, let's get some ice on that hand."

That… was not what Alex expected. It wasn't like he was going to look a gift horse in the mouth or whatever, but he kind of thought his job was over.

Bailey didn't seem thrilled when the Chief put a hand on Alex's shoulder and directed him toward the staff room, not that Alex cared. If Alex wasn't being fired, then he didn't give a damn about any of it.

"It was a good hit," Webber murmured when they walked in the staff room. Sloan was the only one in there, relaxing on one of the couches. "How's the knuckles?"

Alex looked down at his hand and saw that he split the skin, he must have gotten Thatcher right in the mouth. "It's fine," he said. "It'll scab over."

By the time Alex took his test, the skin would be scabbed, Susan would be just as dead, and Meredith would be as broken up as she looked right before being slapped in the face.

"Who'd you hit?" Sloan asked as Webber passed Alex an ice pack from the freezer. "Derek again?"

"Thatcher Grey," Webber answered for Alex. "Susan Grey just died, Thatcher didn't take it well."

"So Karev slugged the guy?" Sloan sounded disgusted, which would be fair if that was the entire reason Alex did it.

"Thatcher slapped Meredith when she told him," Webber added. "He had this one coming."

Yeah, he did.

Alex sat down and let the ice soothe his knuckles, he pictured the icy coolness creeping through his entire body, freezing up the anger that had overwhelmed him.

"Oh, well we should get it x-rayed," Sloan said, singing a whole new tune. "If there's a fracture then you're going to risk screwing up your entire hand, Karev."

"It's not fractured," Alex said, sure of that. He removed the ice pack and flexed his hand, checking that himself. "I'm fine," he said, sure of that.

"Don't be a fool," Webber warned him. "Sloan's right, you'll damage your hand permanently if you overwork it with a fracture."

"I've fractured my hand before, I know what that feels like," Alex said. "This isn't that."

"You go around hitting guys frequently?" Sloan asked, standing up to lean against the wall beside the Chief. Alex felt like a stupid kid with them both staring at him, something that was making it really hard to push down his anger about everything.

"Just the asshole who used to beat up my mom," Alex spat, pissed about the insinuation. Alex wasn't some violent dick, but he wasn't going to stand around and do nothing when people he loved were being beaten.

Sloan didn't have any more smart remarks after that and Alex sat in silence for a few more minutes, breathing slowly and thinking about Meredith.

God, she must be freaking miserable. If Alex's chest hurt thinking Susan was gone, it would be ten times that bad for Meredith. They had bonded, Alex encouraged it. How was he supposed to know that fake-mommy was going to die only a few months after her real mommy?

"I'm fine," Alex finally said, sure he was calm enough to get through the hospital to find Meredith without bashing someone's head in a wall. The Chief hadn't said much, so Alex showed him his bloodied knuckles. "Can I go, sir? I'd like to find Meredith."

"Yeah." Webber's gaze was heavy, almost tired, when he looked at Alex. "Take her home for a few days, let me know how she's doing, will you?"

Alex nodded even if he probably wouldn't do that. What was he supposed to do? Call the Chief from home to give him updates?

‘Hi, Meredith is sad, bye.'

Alex shook his head about the entire stupid suggestion while he debated briefly on where Meredith would be. They had a locker room on the first floor, but there was always a risk of other people showing up there at times. If Alex knew Meredith, and he really hoped he did, she'd be hiding out down in the basement.

Meredith was either going to be acting like everything was fine, which meant she was miserable, or she was going to be acting like she was miserable, which meant she was really freaking miserable. Alex tried to come up with a game plan before he found her, something for her to do, and by the time he made it to the basement hallway and found Meredith sitting on a bed beside Yang, the best thing he came up with was tequila.

A lot of freaking tequila.

Meredith was curled up, tucked in Yang's side, and Alex's heart fractured down the center when he saw her shoulders shaking silently. Meredith hardly ever cried, it made Alex feel sick inside to know how she must be feeling to do it then.

"Mer?" Alex ignored Yang shaking her head at him and climbed up on the bed on Meredith's other side. She was still curled against Yang so he settled for rubbing her back. If he knew what to say, he would have said it.

Instead, his stupid brain was completely empty so all Alex could do was rub Meredith's back until she stopped shaking and Alex heard very quiet sounds of her probably trying to clean off her face.

"Let's go home," Alex offered quietly, pretending that Yang wasn't there. "C'mon, I'll drive you home and you can get drunk and break shit or whatever."

"I'm fine." Meredith's voice was raspy and Alex's chest tightened when she picked her head up and he could see a bright red fucking handprint on her cheek. God, Alex hoped like hell that he broke something of Thatcher's.

"Fine," Meredith repeated, wiping her face off and apparently set on acting like she wasn't all torn up inside. "I liked Susan, that was all."

"Yeah, and it sucks," Alex said. "So let's go home and do something, alright? We'll just get out of here and deal for a bit."

"I shouldn't," Meredith said, looking at Yang instead of Alex. "I should stay, right? These things happen and surgeons stay."

"No, I think if your family member dies on your table you're allowed to leave," Yang told her, thankfully taking Alex's side. "Seriously, Mer, you can't walk around here today anyway. You look like a battered wife."

Yeah, that was helpful.

Meredith reached up and touched her cheek, only wincing a little when it must have been sore as hell. Alex jumped on it though, ready to use whatever he had to to get Meredith out of the hospital for at least the day.

"Let's at least ice your cheek and my hand," Alex said. "Your face is going to bruise if you don't and then people are really going to stare at you."

"And then your Evil Spawn attack dog will hit them and you'll be dating an unemployed loser," Yang added. "You can't date an unemployed loser, Meredith, have some pride."

Yang's bitchiness aside, Meredith did finally cave and let Alex take her home. She didn't say anything on the drive and Alex wasn't surprised that she went straight for the booze. Meredith didn't jack around with a glass either, she just started drinking it straight from the bottle while she collapsed on the couch.

Alex grabbed the scotch and sat beside her, twisting the cap off and taking his own long draw. They didn't have to say anything, they both felt like crap about it.

It was such crap.

"Who does that?" Meredith asked aloud, probably not to Alex. "Who dies from the freaking hiccups?"

"Susan, I guess," Alex said, shaking his head in disbelief. Susan had been in their house like a week ago, pretty much all of the groceries they had were still from her.

"Thatcher hit me," Meredith said, apparently just replaying the crappy day out loud. "He said I killed Susan and then he hit me. And then…" Meredith took another shot from the bottle and finally seemed to recognize that Alex was beside her.

"You hit him," she said. Alex raised a brow and couldn't decide if she was going to be pissed about it or not, but he wasn't apologizing either way.

"Yeah, yeah, I did," Alex said. He flexed his hand and still didn't feel anything except for the torn skin. It would be fine.

Meredith looked down at Alex's hand and took it in hers, gently probing the knuckles. "It might be broken," she said, her voice getting suspiciously choked up. "Your hand might be broken because - because you hit Thatcher."

"Hey." Alex abandoned his booze and wrapped his arm around Meredith, pulling her firmly into his side. "I'm fine," Alex promised her. "My hand is good, Mer."

"Susan's dead and Thatcher —" Meredith's voice broke from the high-pitched sound of warning into something completely devastated. "Thatcher thinks I killed her."

Alex didn't know which death Meredith mourned harder that day - Susan Grey's or the small relationship she had been building with the only parent she had left.

There weren't any pretty words to say, nothing Alex could think of that would fix all of Meredith's pain. If he could, Alex would have taken it from her. It hurt him enough anyway, just listening to her cry and scream and vent about how God damned unfair life was.

By the time Meredith drank and cried herself to sleep, Alex was exhausted and Susan Grey was just as dead as she had been before.

The two days after Susan's death were pretty much crap. After Meredith had her initial meltdown over it, they didn't talk about it. Meredith liked to shove shit down and Alex wasn't the guy to go digging for more tears and shouts.

They had sex, a lot of freaking sex. Meredith was all for burying grief in sex and Alex didn't have any complaints about it. They studied too, which Alex did bitch about because he was so sick of studying he wanted to scream.

And nobody left them alone. Not a single freaking person that Alex knew had the decency to just leave them the hell alone.

When Alex was carefully messing up the basket of clothes that Susan had folded, Izzie and Denny let themselves inside. Izzie went to Meredith and tried to talk about her feelings, Denny helped Alex mess up the clothes that Susan always managed to wash just right so he didn't have to look at them anymore.

After they left, Yang showed up with fried chicken, ice cream, and enough complaints about Burke to distract Meredith.

The next morning it was Bailey at their door, reminding Alex about the career-impacting exam they had the next day. Bailey also had news about Susan's memorial service which was terrifically scheduled about two hours before their intern exam.

"The Chief said that he'll call in a second proctor if we need to," Bailey told him, like it was the most normal thing for her to be at Alex's front door while Alex only had on a pair of boxers.

"Great," Alex said sarcastically, waving the service announcement he had been handed. "I'm so sure Meredith will be real ready to take the exam that day."

Bailey's tone sharpened, she was probably about as happy about playing messenger as Alex was to be getting the message. "The Chief seems willing to work with you both if you'll work with him," she snapped. "Things happen, Karev. It's not fair and it's horrible, but you're both adults and can make adult decisions."

Alex got the feeling that Bailey didn't really think much of his ability to make adult decisions, but he was distracted by the fucking phone ringing again.

It did that, every hour. Every God damned hour, someone called them. Every single time Alex answered it, whoever it was hung up. It was starting to piss him off.

"Hello?" Alex demanded, glaring at the service papers in his hands while someone breathed on the other end of the line.

They chose a good photo of Susan, one of her mid-laughter, her eyes bright. She looked young, too young to be dead from something as common as the fucking hiccups.

"Why don't you get a fucking life?" Alex demanded to whoever it was that kept calling. "Meredith's miserable and I'm FUCKING EXHAUSTED! Just screw off, got it?" Alex slammed the receiver down so hard that he heard the plastic crack.

When that single crack wasn't enough, Alex picked it up and slammed it again and again and again - he didn't stop until the phone was nothing but pieces and probably wouldn't ring again.

The phone was broken and Susan was still just as dead as she had been.

Meredith was in the shower and there was nothing stopping Alex from slumping down on the floor and tucking his head between his knees, swallowing back all of it.

It was just crap, that was all. But Bailey was right, shit happened, and Alex had to get over it. It didn't matter if Susan had been a good person or if she had made their place feel a little more homey when she visited.

It didn't matter if Susan Grey had been like the mom Alex used to wish he had because she was dead and Alex needed to be an adult.

"Karev?"

Alex breathed in slowly, breathed out slowly. If he lifted his head and saw that Sloan was actually in his kitchen and not just some figment of Alex's screwed up imagination, he didn't want to start screaming about it.

Alex lifted his head and there was Sloan.

In Alex's kitchen.

Staring at him.

"Jesus Christ," Alex bitched. "Seriously?"

"Seriously," Sloan said deadpan. He held a hand out and Alex ignored it, choosing to push himself to his feet on his own. It was pathetic enough to be caught having a whole pity party by Sloan, there wasn't any need to make it worse.

"Addie made me come," Sloan explained, eyeing the shattered phone while Alex pushed past him to get some juice or something from the fridge. It was hard with Susan's service announcement still clutched in his hand, but Alex made do.

"Cool, bye," Alex said, more irritated the longer Sloan stood there. Did people think that he or Meredith wanted bugged every ten minutes by them? Why couldn't they just leave them alone?

"Addison's finding Meredith so I'm guessing you can't get rid of me that quickly," Sloan said, making himself comfortable in one of the counter chairs. "How's the hand?"

"Fine," Alex said, flexing his hand again for Sloan's benefit. If Addison was there then Alex figured he really wasn't going to get rid of Sloan anytime soon so he wandered over to the laundry room and snagged a pair of sweatpants and one of Meredith's old hoodies to pull on. It didn't take back the memory of Sloan watching Alex act like a chick, but Alex still felt better with some clothes on.

"So… this is awkward," Sloan said after about thirty seconds of silence between them filling the kitchen. "You know, when you go begging the woman you love to give you another chance, nobody ever warns you that she might make you go comfort the intern she adopted one day."

Alex snorted, relaxing some in knowing that Sloan was about as comfortable as he was.

"You're whipped, man," Alex told him. "You could have waited in the car."

"And miss the chance to think about Addison joining Meredith in the shower?" Sloan whistled and Alex wasn't a freaking saint, he could let himself picture that for a second himself.

The bathroom would be all steamy and Meredith would help Addison take her shirt off, her hands leaving wet spots on her skin…

"Hey!" Sloan snapped his fingers at Alex, taking him from the brief daydream. "Don't picture my woman naked, you perv."

"You pictured mine naked first," Alex reminded him. Which should bug Alex except he was pretty sure Sloan pictured every chick naked. It wasn't like he ever saw her anyway, the closest he'd get to Meredith naked was his imagination.

"Touché," Sloan conceded. The silence that followed then wasn't as intense, not so bad. Alex looked down at Susan's service announcement and flipped it open, ignoring the cheesy paper and typical dove in the corner to read the obituary.

It was the usual crap; a list of Susan's relatives who died and the ones who survived her. Alex's stomach plummeted when he saw that ‘Meredith (Alex) Grey' had been included as a surviving family member.

"I guess Thatcher didn't write this," Alex said, tossing the paper on the counter, face-down so he didn't have to see Susan's face.

"I wrote the one for my mom when she died."

Alex glanced at Sloan for a moment, caught off-guard by that casual admission. It made sense, once Alex thought about it, Sloan was in his late-thirties, it wasn't like moms all lived forever.

"Did you include your mom's step-daughter and her boyfriend in the obituary?" Alex asked. "You know, just before scheduling the memorial service on the same damn day as their intern exam?"

Because that was evil, it was just freaking evil.

"No, I - uh… I scheduled it for the day after my boards so that I didn't spend the whole time picturing my mom's body in a casket," Sloan said. Sloan scrubbed a hand down his face and sighed, "Look, Karev—"

"You want a drink?" Alex interrupted, his fingers tapping erratically on his leg. Alex wasn't going to get into some deep conversation with Sloan - Sloan's mom died, Susan Grey died, people died.

"Do I want a drink at eight thirty?" Sloan asked. There was a beat where Alex looked anywhere except for at him. "Yeah, alright, why not?"

Why not?

Alex poured them each some vodka and added splashes of orange juice so they could pretend they weren't tiptoeing a line of alcoholism. Sloan stayed in his seat and Alex only hesitated for a second before begrudgingly taking the seat beside him.

The vodka tasted like crap, but Alex was grateful for the warmth and the way it settled in his stomach and soothed his urge to destroy something. Alex took another drink and kept his eyes on his drink, pretending Sloan didn't exist beside him.

Alex wasn't going to be that person, that person who made someone else's tragedy about him. Yeah, Alex liked Susan and he liked having her around. Susan was sweet, a real ‘Suzie-Homemaker'. Susan acted like she liked Alex, like maybe he was good enough for Meredith and an alright person.

Susan had been one of those rare people who just cared about other people and did stupid shit like brought them groceries and ‘prewashed' their clothes to get stains out. Susan brought Alex his favorite cereal every week and they talked. Susan had been a good person and Alex wasn't exactly thrilled that she was gone.

Sloan stretched out beside Alex, reminding him that he was still there. "Either of you sleeping at all?" he asked casually.

Sleeping? Oh, yeah. In between worrying that Meredith was going to end up going crazy and the freaking phone ringing and the bouts of Meredith wanting to bury her feelings under sex and studying sessions, Alex was getting plenty of sleep.

"Like a baby," Alex said sarcastically. Or maybe not, the babies in the hospital never slept, so maybe Alex was sleeping exactly like a baby.

Sloan hummed and tipped back his drink, Alex's hands shook lightly when he did the same with his drink.

God, Alex couldn't wait until they were past it all. In a week, after the funeral and the exam and Yang's wedding, they'd be past it. In another week, it wouldn't be eating at Alex's insides that Susan died of the hiccups.

In a month, Alex wouldn't be expecting Susan to show up every time the door opened.

"Why don't you go get some sleep or something?" Sloan suggested. "Addison's probably got Meredith tucked in bed, she's a real softie for sad chicks. I'm here if she needs anything, you could sleep."

"Yeah," Alex scoffed, his gaze moving on its own to Susan's service announcement. "That's what I need," he said. "A nap."

"It doesn't make you less of a man to sleep," Sloan said. Like he knew, like he had any—

"Just because your mom died doesn't mean you know what I need," Alex snapped defensively. "I'm fine, okay? If you want someone to go worry about, go check on Meredith. Or, a better idea, get the hell out of my house."

It was Meredith who needed people watching her, making sure she didn't slip under and slip away like she did when she drowned.

Sloan put his glass down and turned to challenge Alex directly. "Go lay down, let your body relax. You look like Hell, Karev."

Way to kick a guy when he was already down.

Alex wanted to argue, mostly because he didn't take orders from Sloan in his own home, except he was tired. God damn, was Alex suddenly freaking exhausted.

The suffocating weight of his exhaustion doubled when the phone base managed to ring, even with the phone shattered in pieces all over the floor.

"You know what? Fine." Alex pushed himself out of the chair and ignored the phone, it wasn't like he could answer it again anyway. Alex didn't say anything else at all, he just went straight to the couch and flopped down on it, covering his face with his arm so he couldn't see the light in the kitchen.

It wasn't sleep, not really, but it was the closest thing Alex got to it in the last few days.

June 1st

Why were people supposed to wear black to funerals? White was a bride's color for some ancient belief in purity, did the black mean every mourner was dirty? Was it just to show the emotional state of the mourners, the people who were supposed to say goodbye to someone already gone?

What was the point of it?

The longer that Meredith stared in the mirror, pretending like she was going to do anything at all with her hair or makeup, the more she understood why her mom requested there to be no funeral for her. Sure, most of it was probably the raging narcissism, but it seemed so pointless too.

"Mer?" Alex walked in the bathroom behind Meredith and slid his arms around her waist, resting his chin on her shoulder. Alex looked exhausted, the sort of exhaustion that would be bone-deep and only a week of sleep could fix.

It was because he wouldn't rest, he wanted to be everywhere all the time so that he could take care of any little thing before it became a problem for Meredith. It was sweet, needless, and had bags hanging below his eyes that couldn't be healthy.

"You need a vacation," Meredith said. She meant to sound bossy, not all fond and ridiculous. "We could do that, you know, go on vacation."

"Yeah?" Alex smiled a little and he looked nice in his black suit, tired but nice. "A weeklong vacation in Iowa?"

That wasn't exactly the vacation Meredith had in mind. They had all of June off after their intern exam, it gave people time to transfer to other programs or for residents to be shuffled. It would be a long stretch of time and Alex could sleep, they could all just breathe.

They all just needed to breathe.

"Maybe a few days in Iowa, after you get some sleep," Meredith told him. So maybe Meredith said she didn't mind going to meet Alex's family, but she didn't mean the week after Susan Grey died.

"Memorial service, intern exam, Yang's wedding, then sleep," Alex said. "Hey, is it bad if I say you look really hot in your funeral clothes?"

Meredith hadn't laughed in days, but Alex's genuine question actually managed to make her laugh. It was just so Alex.

"I love you," she told him, turning around in his arms so that she could wrap hers around his shoulders. Meredith did love him - she loved that Alex was there, he wasn't pushing, he got it. Alex had been as close to Susan as Meredith was so when she saw his grief, it was like it gave her permission to feel her own.

Which was totally stupid and somehow true.

"I love you," Alex said. He leaned in and kissed Meredith lightly, a sweet kiss that nobody would ever believe Alex Karev was capable of. "Let's go kick ass today, alright?"

Meredith didn't know if she was up to kick ass, as long as she wasn't the one getting her ass kicked though then maybe it would at least work out.

Cristina met them at the hospital doors, passing over coffees and rapid fire questions for last-minute cramming. Meredith's brain felt like it was going to explode already, she so wasn't in the mood for more studying.

"Enough!" she cried. "Cristina, enough! If we don't know the material by now then we're finished and that's that, okay?"

"Okay? No, not okay," Cristina scowled. "Meredith, this is our entire future. Future employers will have access to these scores. This can make or break our residencies."

Internships, residencies, the future… everything was happening so quickly and Meredith just needed it to slow for a minute. All she needed was one minute to breathe, to go say goodbye to Susan, and then she could get back in the game of surgery.

"Fuck off, Yang," Alex said, wrapping his arm around Meredith's waist. "We studied, alright? We've got shit to do today, don't make it worse."

"You have to go to a funeral, how could I possibly make it worse?" Cristina asked. She was probably serious, she sounded genuinely curious.

There really wasn't any way to make it worse, not until Cristina kicked Meredith's ankle with her sneaker and nodded toward the lobby doors.

"Mer, it's your dad," she hissed.

Meredith and Alex turned around and Meredith's stomach lurched when Thatcher walked directly toward her, dressed up in a suit. Molly, Thatcher and Susan's younger daughter, walked behind him, a baby in her arms, her eyes filled with an apology when they met Meredith's.

"Hey." Meredith stepped forward and tried to stay half a step in front of Alex, his knuckles were still scabbed, he didn't need tempted to throw anymore punches. "We were just about to head your way," she said.

"I came here to tell you no," Thatcher said. He smelled like booze, like he had to drink half of a liquor cabinet to get through the day.

It made sense, Ellis had never been a big drinker, Meredith would have inherited the worst of both her parents.

"I don't want you there," Thatcher said loudly, ensuring everyone in the lobby heard him. "Susan - Susan trusted you, she did, she trusted you and she's gone and I don't want you there, Meredith."

"Dad!" Molly tried to grab Thatcher's arm. "Stop it!"

"No! I hope I never see you again!" Thatcher yelled at Meredith. "You're a poison, Meredith! Just like your mother!"

A… poison… because Meredith killed Susan.

Ellis was dead, Susan was dead, and Thatcher didn't want to see Meredith, he stormed away before Meredith could even find anything to say.

"Fuck that guy," Alex said quickly, his arm tightening around Meredith so she couldn't run. Everyone was looking at her with their eyes filled with pity, pity for the poisonous girl who couldn't keep Susan alive.

"Yeah." Cristina started in with Alex, her voice too optimistic to be genuine. "It's not about Thatcher, it's about saying goodbye to Susan. He can't ban you from the funeral."

No, he probably couldn't. But Meredith stared at the doors that Thatcher walked out and knew she wouldn't go. Thatcher didn't want her there, he didn't. Susan might have, but she was dead.

Susan was dead, Ellis was dead, and Meredith stood between the man she loved and her best friend and couldn't feel more alone if she tried.

Cristina left them to go gawk in the viewing gallery on one of Derek's surgeries, some mountain climber with a pick axe in his head. Meredith wasn't up for watching, she wasn't up for going to the library or locker room or cafeteria or any of the things Alex offered.

It was like she was completely numb, unable to think of anything except for Thatcher's accusations. Meredith knew she didn't kill Susan, Meredith had only been allowed to observe in the OR, but Susan went to Seattle Grace because Meredith worked there.

If she went somewhere else, would she still be alive? If Ellis never had the child she didn't want, would she have delayed her Alzheimer's with the reduced stress? Was Meredith the common denominator?

Ellis was dead, Susan was dead, Thatcher never wanted to see her again.

Meredith never cared about Thatcher before, she never spared a thought to the man who didn't raise her. They never exchanged letters or cards, Meredith didn't even know he lived in the area until Molly Grey was admitted. It shouldn't bother her to lose Thatcher, to lose a father she never had, but…

Ellis was dead, Susan was dead. Thatcher was all she had left.

"She's all I had."

Alex sat beside Meredith in the lobby with his tie loosened, his hand tight around Meredith's. He didn't say anything, which was good because Meredith didn't feel like talking, until Addison's heels clicked on her way across the lobby to them.

"Karev, there you are," Addison said. "The test starts in ten minutes, you two need to get moving."

Ten minutes? They had hours still, the test wasn't until—

Meredith looked at the giant clock behind the receptionist's desk and saw Addison was right. They had somehow sat there for hours while it felt like moments.

Just moments of time, flying by too quickly for Meredith to grasp them.

"Here, eat this." Addison passed a granola bar to Alex and waved them both to their feet. "You look tired. Damn it, Alex, I told you to get plenty of sleep. You know how important this test is."

"I'm fine," Alex complained. "Would you back off? I'm not going to screw this up."

It was sweet, Meredith thought. Addison clearly cared that Alex was ready, she cared about him and his career. Maybe Meredith should have been jealous, jealous that Addison was the one nagging Alex or jealous that there wasn't an attending who cared that Meredith passed the exam, but she couldn't find it in her.

Alex deserved that, he did. Alex wasn't a poison, he didn't drive people away or to their death.

"The carousel never stops turning."

Ellis said that once, though Meredith couldn't place when she said it. It felt right - time kept moving, things kept happening, and the carousel never stopped turning.

Meredith had blinked and they were outside of the exam room. Addison was lecturing Alex, Cristina walked inside with muted facts being whispered, and Meredith was stuck.

The future was in front of her, it was. The future was good too, it had surgery and Alex and a life filled with happiness. If Meredith could take the step, it could be hers. Her foot wouldn't move, it wouldn't take her forward, she was stuck in the moment, stuck in a moment that should already be a memory.

"Meredith?" Webber held an arm out when Meredith tried to lift her foot and she looked up at him.

"The carousel never stops turning," Mom said. She was crying, Mom never cried. Meredith wanted to hug her, but she was stuck on the dragon she chose to ride.

"Are you sad?" Meredith tried to ask. "Is it because of Dad?"

Because Meredith was sad, she missed her dad.

"Thatcher is a worm," Mom said. "Spineless, slimy." Tears were falling from her eyes and Meredith tried to see what she was looking at, all she could see was the back of a man who walked away from the carousel. "I just want it to stop," Mom whispered.

Then the carousel started spinning and Meredith saw the man look back one time, Doctor Richard, Mom's friend.

"Meredith?" Webber tried to grip Meredith's shoulder and she twisted away from him. "We can reschedule," he told her. "You don't have to do this today."

Meredith looked at Webber and knew that it was him that walked away from Ellis. Ellis left Thatcher for Webber and he stayed with his wife.

And for what? Webber wasn't staying at home anymore, Meredith knew that. Adele told him to give up surgery for her and he wouldn't. Webber gave up Ellis for Adele, but not surgery.

Ellis died alone, Richard was alone, Thatcher was alone.

What was the point of it all when they all ended up alone?

"Are you happy?" Meredith asked Webber. "Do you regret anything?"

Webber pulled his hand back slowly and couldn't look away from Meredith anymore than she could have him. Meredith looked hard in his eyes and saw what he didn't say, what she knew was true.

Webber was a man filled with regrets. He had a great love with Ellis and he chose dury instead. Then he lost them both.

If they all ended up alone, then what was the point of it?

What was the point of Adele loving Webber, Webber loving Ellis, Thatcher loving Susan, if they all ended up alone? Was that a warning? Meredith's entire legacy was filled with people who never found happiness, only pain. Why would her story end any differently?

Did Meredith really think that she would be an exception just because she wanted to be? Did anyone ever really get everything they wanted? Did happy endings ever exist in reality?

Alex sat in the seat in front of Meredith and she stared at the back of his head while she wondered if they could do it, if they could be the exception of what seemed to be the rule. Meredith loved him, she did. Alex was her best friend, the only person who seemed to ever get it. Even when Meredith didn't know herself, Alex seemed to know her.

That had to count for something, right? It had to be something that Ellis didn't have with Thatcher or Webber.

"You're a poison, Meredith! Just like your mother!"

How much of her mother was she? How poisonous was she?

How much like her father was she? How easily could she walk away from people who needed her?

If Meredith didn't know who she was, did Alex really?

If the carousel never stopped turning, when did Meredith get to breathe?

*****

Meredith didn't answer a single question, not one.

Alex finished his test and felt good about it until he turned in his seat and saw Meredith's test was completely blank on the desk behind him. Alex knew, he freaking knew, Meredith had no business taking the test that day.

It was bad enough that Susan's funeral was set for that day, but Thatcher messed her up bad when he showed up to the hospital and banned her from the funeral.

"Meredith!" Alex tried to grab Meredith after the test ended so he could shake some sense into her or something, but she took off and he knew there wasn't any point in chasing her down.

Maybe she just needed to be alone for a little while, just long enough to get her head on straight.

"What happened?" Yang asked. "Is Meredith okay?"

"No," Alex told her flatly. "She's definitely not okay."

Because Meredith could have just thrown away her entire career with that test. If she didn't pass, she would have to redo her intern year and Alex didn't think she would do that.

Meredith would walk away from surgery, away from Alex, if he didn't find a way to fix it. It wasn't like she failed, she just didn't take the exam. Surely that could be fixed, it didn't have to ruin everything.

If Alex couldn't fix it, it would ruin everything.

Alex sent Yang after Meredith and then went to check the OR board. There was only one person who could help Meredith and it wasn't Alex, it had to be Webber.

And Alex was going to make dawn sure he fixed it. Webber owed Meredith, surely. The guy split up her parents and probably messed Ellis up until she turned into the bitter bitch that Meredith had to be raised by.

Webber was in OR 3, finishing up a facial reconstruction and esophageal repair on one of the mountain climbers who were brought in that morning. Alex still had his suit on, so he waited in the scrub room for Webber.

Sloan finished first and he slapped Alex's shoulder cheerfully while he scrubbed out from the surgery.

"How'd it go?" Sloan asked. "Addy's going to lose it if you didn't pass. I think she's planning on pimping you out to peds, you know. She thinks you might do good there too."

"Great," Alex said, distracted. It looked like Webber was closing up, he had to be done soon.

"Seriously, I'm thinking once you're officially a resident, maybe I'll take you for a real test drive in plastics, see if you're as good as Addison makes you sound."

It was like Meredith's career was crashing while Alex's rose up. That wasn't what he wanted, what she told him. They were supposed to be great together, Alex should be soaking up all of Addison's praise, telling Sloan that he was twice as good as she made him sound. Alex shouldn't have been just standing there, waiting to try and fix Meredith's career.

Alex loved Meredith, he just wished that she loved herself sometimes.

When Ellis died, Meredith nearly drowned because she quit swimming. Susan died and Meredith self-destructed again. Alex could keep her going, he could, but it would be easier if Meredith wasn't so damned against herself.

Alex could take care of her when she couldn't take care of herself though, he'd done it before. When his mom couldn't make sense of the world, Alex had been there. And Meredith wasn't sick like his mom was, she was in acute pain.

It would pass and Alex could fix the shit that got broken in the meantime.

The second that Webber walked in the scrub room, Alex got started on repairs.

"Doctor Webber, I need your help," Alex said bluntly, too tired to kiss anyone's ass too hard. "It's Meredith, sir, she - she didn't take the test."

"She didn't take the test?" Webber repeated slowly. "Karev, I saw her go in the room?"

"Yeah, then she sat there and didn't write a single thing," Alex explained. "I don't even think she put her name on it. Please," Alex wasn't too proud to beg, not when it came to Meredith, "Is there any way that you could let her retake it? I mean, it's not like she failed it, right? She just needs another chance."

Everyone got second chances, everyone. Alex was an ass, more than once, and Meredith gave him chances to get it right. Addison gave Alex chances to show he was worth her time and effort. If Alex could get extra chances, why not Meredith?

"She didn't answer a single question?" Webber checked.

"I don't think she even wrote her name," Alex said honestly.

"Alright." Webber sighed and rubbed his chin, just as disturbed by Meredith's choice as Alex was. "I'll find Meredith and see what I can do." Webber started to walk past Alex and then he paused, just long enough to put his hand on Alex's shoulder for a second.

"You get some sleep," he told Alex firmly. "You look ready to fall over, son. Let me take over for now."

That was a joke, Alex getting some sleep. Alex needed to make sure Meredith took her exam, then he had to be at Joe's for Burke's get together. Alex was supposed to pick up the rings from the jeweler, make sure the church was unlocked for the caterers the next day.

Everyone was counting on Alex to keep his shit together and if he just got through the next day, he'd have time to sleep. Alex could sleep, Meredith could sleep, and everything would be fine.

Alex felt like one of the creeps in a zombie movie while he walked through the hospital, his feet making all the decisions. There were people laughing, crying, celebrating new life and mourning deaths all around him and none of it touched Alex.

Everything inside of him felt empty, numb. It had been a crappy few days and Alex still had the wedding to get through before things could get better. If Meredith could pull herself together for a little longer, Alex could take over soon.

"Alex? Hello? Hey, Alex!"

Alex didn't realize it, he hadn't even been paying attention, but Izzie was standing in front of him with her face pinched. Alex looked around and realized he walked out to the clinic.

"Meredith," Alex said. He shook his head and tried to shake off the fatigue wearing him down. "Have you seen Meredith?" he tried again. That was a complete sentence, good for him.

"No, but you look awful," Izzie said as she slipped her arm behind his back and started pushing Alex to one of the empty beds. "When's the last time you slept?"

"I'm sleeping," Alex snapped. He was, a few hours here and there. Alex was sleeping more than Meredith, probably.

"Alex, you're running on empty," Izzie said. "You can't take care of everyone else if you're not taking care of yourself."

"I don't need a lecture," Alex told her. "I had to study, alright? Maybe you forgot, but some of us didn't get fired."

Alex didn't mean to say that, he didn't. The second the words left his stupid mouth, Alex wished he could take it back. Izzie flinched and Alex hated it, he hated that the first time he felt alive all day was when he hurt someone else.

"You're grieving and stressed and tired, so I'm going to pretend you didn't say that," Izzie said. She was a bigger person than Alex, a better one too. "And in exchange for my grace, you're going to sit your butt down right here and just rest for a minute, okay? Nothing is going to happen if you just rest, Alex."

Alex wanted to, Alex would have loved to sit on the bed and rest for even a few minutes, but he had to find Meredith.

"I will sedate you," Izzie argued when Alex told her that. "Do not test me, Alex Karev. I am filled with hormones and have crazy pregnancy strength. If I have to tie you to this bed and shoot you up with ketamine, I will do it."

"Fine!" Alex sat on the bed behind him and glared at Izzie. "Happy?" he demanded.

Izzie reached out and Alex had to be tired because there was no other reason it took her a light shove to knock him on his back.

"Very," she said, freaking smug as hell. "Sleep, Alex, I'll have a nurse go check on Meredith."

Alex wasn't going to sleep, it wasn't going to happen. Every time he closed his eyes since Susan died, he saw her there. It sucked and it made Alex's brain think of everything else that sucked too.

Meredith slipping away, Alex trying to breathe for her. Alex's mom screaming in the middle of the night, breaking shit to keep the government from reading their minds. Alex's dad pinning him to the wall while they fought, his hit knocking the air from Alex's lungs and doubling him over.

Alex didn't know who he was kidding, he wasn't fixing anything for anyone. Alex wanted to, he wanted Susan back and he didn't want Meredith to be suffering, but there wasn't shit he could do about it and that sucked.

Really, everything sucked and Alex didn't know if he could fix anything or if he should even bother trying anymore.

Alex drifted for a while, his mind stuck somewhere between asleep and awake. Nothing felt very real then, not the patients that he heard talking or the soft hand that held his for a while.

Someone whispered to him, a gentle apology, and Alex tried to pull himself awake for them, but he only slid deeper into sleep until there was nothing at all keeping him awake.

Izzie might have actually sedated Alex for all he knew because when he finally woke up, his body was sore, like he hadn't moved in too long. Alex groaned and started stretching his legs out before he slowly opened his eyes.

It was bright, which was a really freaking bad sign. Doctor Burke wearing a tuxedo in a chair beside Alex's bed with his head in his hands was a worse one.

"Shit!" Alex was upright in a second with his pulse spiking to tachycardic levels. "Did I oversleep? Dude, I'm so sorry. Izzie freaking drugged me, I swear to God. She's insane, someone needs to report her to the medical board."

Izzie must have been somewhere nearby, because Alex heard an offended, "Hey!"

"No, Alex, you didn't oversleep," Burke said quietly, cutting off Alex's rambled apologies. "Rather, you did, but you didn't miss the wedding."

Somehow, Alex's heart rate only jumped higher. Burke didn't exactly look happy and Alex wasn't an idiot, Yang never wanted to get married in the first place.

"Yang left you at the altar?" Alex guessed. God, what a bitch. She couldn't have decided to do that before the guy was all dressed up?

"You've guessed what I should have known from the start," Burke sighed. "Cristina had no desire to be a wife, I would have known had I truly knew her as much as I should."

"You can't sweat that," Alex told him. He kind of figured it wasn't too soon to start shit talking, not when Burke opened his hand and Alex saw Yang's engagement ring in his palm.

"Yang has no heart, she's like a freaking robot," Alex said. "I think that's why she's so hardcore for cardio, you know? She's trying to understand what she's missing."

It was nothing but the truth, but it helped when it made Burke chuckle just a little. Burke probably could use more of that, not that Alex was the guy to get someone through a sucky breakup.

"Why don't we go get a drink?" Alex offered. Alex still had on his suit, it was wrinkled as hell though, but he could wear it to Joe's. "We'll have Iz call Denny and we can go talk a lot of shit about chicks."

The sad looking smile on Burke's face slipped and he cleared his throat and tightened a fist around Yang's ring.

"Alex, Cristina left an hour ago on what was meant to be our honeymoon," Burke said. Alex was ready to call her a bitch again, but Burke held a hand up. "Meredith went with her."

That… no. That didn't make sense. Alex heard Burke talk about the honeymoon with Yang, it was a three-week trip - he was going to make it a month, but Yang wanted to get back a week before their residencies started.

"What?" Alex's face scrunched up in some confusion and some irritation. They had plans, plans that didn't include Meredith flying to Bali with Yang.

"I was given a message to pass along to you," Burke said. He cleared his throat and looked away from Alex. "I'm sorry."

Why was he… oh.

That was the message.

Meredith told Burke to tell Alex she was sorry before she fucked off on a plane with Yang.

Alex's brain tried to fight it off, he tried to think of a different way to interpret that. Meredith could have been sorry she didn't have time to tell Alex she was leaving herself, she could be sorry that Yang needed her.

It wasn't real, Alex knew medically it wasn't possible, but the whole time Alex's brain tried to think of a half-assed excuse, his chest ached like there was a fissure going down the center of it.

Because ‘tell Alex I'm sorry' only had so many interpretations and it wasn't the first time Alex heard those words.

‘Tell Alex I'm sorry' sounded a lot like all of Alex's plans, the whole future he started to really see in his grasp, had ended.

‘Tell Alex I'm sorry' sounded a lot like Meredith decided that they were over.

‘Tell Alex I'm sorry' sounded like the end.

The end of their relationship, the end of the plans they had, the end of the future.

The End of Part One