Chapter Text
When my eyes opened, the only thing that crossed my mind was my desperation for a cigarette. I attempted to twist around my back pocket for my squashed carton but I was locked into place by a breathing warmth. As my eyes adjusted, I observed just how entangled I’d become with the degenerate I’d been punching only a day or two prior. Blue light from an idling TV draped across his face, highlighting the soft pink undertones of his skin.
I shifted my weight, debating whether I really wanted to wake him. The rising and falling of his chest taunted me, begging me to stay exactly where I was. Without the energy to defy, my head dropped back down. As my nose neared, the same scent that I had fixated on yesterday blew across my nose again. Instinctively, I leaned into him, desperate for a deeper breath.
The twitch of my neck ruined the opportunity, causing him to stir in his sleep. I watched with held breath as he tossed onto his back. Seeing his eyes remain closed, I released the pressure.
“God, Toby, I thought you weren’t gay?”
The whisper sent a jolt through my nerves. “I’m pretty sure you’re the one who snuggled up to me,” I snapped back, eager to shift the blame.
“Whatever you say,” he grumbled, setting an arm behind him to sit up on the bed. “You hungry? I could kill for a reason to get you off of me.”
I defensively scooted into the wall. Fumbling for a distraction, I finally managed to squeeze a crumbled cigarette out from underneath me. Once the smoke sufficiently invaded my lungs, I passed it.
“You stay here, sleeping beauty. I’ll get us both something from downstairs,” His voice dragged lower underneath the strain of a filled chest.
He took an additional huff, shoving it back into my fingers before he shuffled out of the decrepit dungeon. Once the door clicked closed, I threw myself back onto the bed. the smoke from the burning white paper dancing towards the ceiling, just barely masking the scent of mildew and rot.
I guess I’d seriously fucked over this time. I hadn’t had physical contact, a fight, or cried in eons but somehow, I’d managed to do them all in the span of a few days. I pushed the skin against my face, hoping the pressure might snap me back into behaving like a normal person. While I didn’t feel any more normal in my skin, the feeling of ever-present palpitations decided it was the normalcy I’d been seeking.
The demon I’d allowed to fester under my skin returned with enough time to spare me from another panic attack, yielding a plate of unevenly heated pizza rolls.
“I was thinking while you were gone-“
“I didn’t know you knew how to do that,” he interrupted.
Ignoring it, I continued, “Maybe I should take another one of those anxiety pills. Maybe if I take less this time I won’t get so agitated.”
“I am absolutely not fucking risking that happening again. You know my nose is going to be crooked forever now? Plus you’ve been incredibly fucking weird since I gave you those.”
“C’mon man. I feel like shit. I’m sure that’s more than obvious to you,” I argued. “I just want to chill out. You have a pharmacy’s worth of drugs in here. Give me something.”
“I have other shit but you’re not going to like what it is,” He replied flatly, mismatching my heated response.
“I cried in front of two fucking people yesterday and slept in your roach infested bed last night-“
“There aren’t any roaches in here,” He erupted.
“Either way,” I dragged my words out, emphasizing my frustration. “I don’t care what it is. I need to get over this.”
He dropped his pizza roll, sighing as he stared daggers at me. “Sure, whatever. Finish your food and I’ll help you ‘get over it.’”
A micro-expression of contempt flashed at me before he disappeared into the darkness to rummage around some drawers. I quickly stuffed the remainder of the food into my mouth and swallowed, resisting the urge to choke.
I need a change and I need it fast. I don’t care what it takes.
Resting the plate beside me, I rubbed my fingers together to wipe away the crumbs. Ben returned with a handful of items, swiping trash onto the floor as he cleared the nightstand for them.
“You sure you really want to take my shit? You know I do some fuckin’ heavy stuff, dude,” He paused, sighing before continuing. “Just didn’t expect to ever have this conversation with you.”
“I told you, man, I need something to change. I fucking- I fucking beat the shit out of you. That’s not like me.” My voice cracked as I dropped down to an aggressive whisper. “Anyway, I liked the first thing, it just got weird. Don’t even tell me what it is, just give it to me.”
I’d already submitted myself to starting the habit and I hadn’t even managed to fully relax. After the last few days, I was incredibly hooked on the notion of “chilling out.”
“If you really want it, close your eyes, then. You’ll freak yourself out watching me,” He lamented. “And I’m only giving you a little. I’m not that fucking generous,” The final addition using a sharper vocalization than the former.
I complied, begging for things to go right this time. I listened intently as plastic crinkled and lighters flickered to life.
“Oh, uh, I need you to sit up and take off your hoodie. Keep your eyes closed, though.”
“Take my hoodie off?” I sputtered.
“Do you want the shit or not? I already don’t want to give it to you.”
Abandoning my inquisition, I clenched my eyes harder to prevent them from opening. I fumbled for stability as I sat up, ripping the fabric over my head.
“Jesus, the turtleneck, too, dumbass. Forgot I have to spell everything out for you,” He jeered.
Sighing, I removed my final layer, tingling at the feeling of colder air brushing against my skin. Ben worked quickly, snapping a rubber band around my forearm and fumbling around my skin with his fingers. I resisted the urge to jerk back as I felt a needle enter into my skin, exiting almost as fast as it had entered.
As soon as he finished, the realization of what I’d just agreed to slapped me across the face. “I fucked up.”
“Yeah, you did but it’ll be fine. It only lasts an hour and a half and I gave you a micro dose. Lay down,” He commanded.
Fearing for the worst, I quickly obeyed, digging my back into the mattress.
“Are you going to listen to me this time?” He teased, snapping the same band across his arm.
“Yeah- uh. Yeah I’ll listen to you. I’m sorry,” I whispered, watching as he plunged a needle into himself.
He turned back, meeting my eyes. “Good, everything will be okay as long as you let me take care of you.” The noise slid off my forehead as the tingly quickly overtook my body.
In seconds, I could feel a lulling warmth tug at my crotch, spreading like vines throughout my extremities and into my throat. It had taken some thought to realize I was feeling different the last time. This time, the substance had kicked the door down and vandalized my body. There was no ignoring its presence. Ben scooted himself towards me, wrapping his arm behind me. His head turned to face me as he released a heavy breath, smiling.
“If this doesn’t take the edge off you, I don’t know what will.” He snuggled his face farther into my neck, his skin sticking to me like syrup. Hot breath ran down my neck, “It’s nice to have someone to do this with, anyway.”
Fully coated in the warmth, the anxiety dissolved underneath my fingers. I couldn’t help but disregard any fears about the experience as it fully settled into my body. My consciousness was floating farther away, leaving me with nothing but a blanket of comfort. The sedating effects started to introduce themselves, begging me to fall asleep with them. On another planet, Ben lazily put on another movie and chuckled at a joke I hadn’t quite caught.
“Feeling less anxious now?” He purred.
“Mhmm,” My reply came out somnolently, not daring to waste energy on anything but experiencing.
“You look tired. You should sleep.”
“Toby, turn onto your side,” a voice crooned into my ear.
I obeyed.
“No, no, face the other way,” it barked.
Slightly more disgruntled, I submitted again.
Heat pressed against my back as I fell back into sleep.
Movement jerked me awake a second time. Hands gripped tight at my hips. I attempted to lift my neck to protest but a hand left my hips to push it back down.
“Go back to sleep. Remember what we talked about, about letting me take care of you?”
Everything in my brain screamed at me that I needed to get out but there was no energy left to try.
“Please don’t. Don’t be weird again, Ben,” My voice escaped only as a whimper, too tired to assert myself.
“I’m not being weird. I’m helping you relax, I promise. You’ll be okay, just go back to sleep,” He insisted.
Fingers traced down my hips and thighs, pushing my top leg toward my chest. It trailed back, pulling away from me before pressing in between my legs with wet, warm liquid. All at once, the sensation of burning entered inside me as I groaned in pain. It was animating enough to force me to squirm, attempting to escape to anywhere but here. Firm hands held my hips in place, preventing me from moving my waist any farther away.
Warm lips pressed up behind my ear. “Don’t move. It’s alright, it’ll stop hurting in a second. Remember, relax.” The words evaporated in the air as his mouth moved down to my neck, leaving kissing in his wake.
“Please, Ben, get off me. I won’t get angry, I promise.” Tears stung at the corner of my eyes. I was unsure if it was from the pain radiating through my body or the emotional anguish.
His mouth opened but instead of speaking, he bit down into my neck as he thrust himself farther into me. The sudden sensation forcing a mewl from between my lips. He laughed from behind his bite, withdrawing himself halfway before slowly sliding back in. Soon, he was withdrawing and entering rhythmically, picking up pace with each new repetition.
Settling on a pace he liked, he removed his hand from my hip. I briefly listened to the sound of spitting from behind me just before his warm hands slid over my tip. He scooted down to re-adjust the angle of entry, continuing his pace in sync with the twisting of his hand. My stomach knotted itself as I involuntarily groaned at the sensation of my growing erection. The adjusted angle had allowed him to hit a sensitive spot, sending my head spinning in a mix of sharp pain and unfortunate pleasure. His lips returned to kissing my neck. With each new thrust, breathy sounds escaped my mouth, mutating into whimpers as they carried through the air.
“I told you I’d take care of you, didn’t I? Just let it happen. Even if you don’t want to admit it, I know you feel good.” His voice was sickly sweet, the sinister undertones just barely concealed under his purring.
I laid helpless as his chest tensed behind me, his thrusts growing sloppier, more desperate. Gasping breath grazed my neck as he shoved himself as far in as he could, holding the position as he shuddered. After a few moments, he relaxed, remaining inside me but focusing his attention on twisting his hand.
“Please, I don’t need to finish. Just get off me,” I pleaded, growing weaker the longer I was forced to endure.
“Shut up. Just fucking relax,” He hissed.
His cupped hand squeezed tighter around me. The stimulation forced my thighs to shake. I could sense the impending orgasm but I begged my body not to do it, not to give him what he wanted.
No matter how badly I wished for it, I had no choice.
The release hit my core, sending me seizing backwards into his chest. I swallowed the noise building in my throat, not wishing to entice him any further. As the remainder of the ropes ran down his hand, he released his grip and braced against my back to begin pulling out of me.
“There you go. Good job. Just like I told you,”
The malicious satisfaction in his voice was palpable. Anger brewed inside me but was swapped by the overwhelming urge to fall back asleep.
Not here. I can’t fall asleep here. Please don’t let me fall asleep.
I prayed to a God I wasn’t sure I believed in, begging for him to cradle me in his arms and carry me out of this place. The only answer I received was a final kiss on the neck and incoherent moan of content.