Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Maybe Raph should’ve been taking this time to appreciate the sights that circled the city. He hadn’t had the chance to on the way out. They’d all been crammed in the back of Mr. O’Neil’s crappy van, April shouting out directions as they frantically applied pressure to Splinter’s wounds, Mikey crying loud enough that Donnie couldn’t hear their father’s heartbeat for a few scary minutes. It was pretty shitty, but during that in-between moment where they didn’t know if they were orphans or not, all Raph could think about was if there was already a shovel at the farmhouse or if they’d have to go into town to buy one. 

So yeah. Raph hadn’t been very mindful of the views during his first time out of his hometown. Then again, he hadn’t been mindful of a ton recently. That was the deal with being the family idiot, after all. He hit first, answered questions later, and argued with anyone who stood in his way. He used to think he was the first line of defense against dumbass ideas, but then he’d been culpable in losing his brother in an entirely preventable tragedy, so fuck him, he guessed. 

He let out a breath. Water over stone. 

On the other side of the Party Wagon’s windows, the countryside gradually transformed into something of concrete and metal. That was what he’d miss most about the outside world – all that nature. The first time Mikey had seen a tree that wasn’t restricted to a five-by-five planter in a run-down park, he’d nearly fainted. It’d been funny as hell, and now the memory just left his chest tight, because he knew that Leo should’ve been chuckling at their little brother with him. 

It should’ve gotten old, that sinking feeling in his gut whenever he thought about Leo. But if nothing else, Raph knew that his brain was stupid as hell and refused to do what was expected of it. So like clockwork, he could anticipate the pang in his stomach just moments before it hit. Sometimes it was triggered by something external, like a particularly corny joke in one of Mikey’s cartoons or the smell of burning toast coming from the kitchen. But most of the time, Raph’s thoughts naturally neared toward the missing piece in their living room. 

Your brother is probably dead, he thought, the same way as he had every day for the last four months, and you have no idea what happened to him. 

They’d never been separated before. For the first fifteen years of their life, they’d remained within the same four walls, only ever distanced by more than a few yards if they all mutually agreed to restrict themselves to opposite corners of the lair. That never worked for long, though. It usually ended up with Mikey forgetting that they wanted space, or through Raph deciding that being alone was boring and stupid. 

Even once they were allowed topside, they’d only ever been by themselves for a few hours at most. Last year, Donnie accidentally fell asleep at April’s place while helping her out with a chem project, and Leo had lost his shit trying to find him. As much as the goober pretended that he was just doing his leaderly duty, they’d all seen the way his face had lit up once Donnie had finally come home. 

But in the farmhouse, they were three of four. Raph couldn’t count the amount of times he’d instinctively turned to lodge a complaint that he knew would bug the scales off of Leo, only for there to be this giant gap in the shape of his brother. Casey ate double breakfasts for six weeks straight just to keep Mikey’s spirits up before the sight of scrambled eggs started making him sick. 

They didn’t work without Leo. It turned out, Raph and Donnie had this fucking fantastic ability to disagree over every little thing imaginable, from the katas they trained with to the air freshener in the van, yet neither of them could muster the energy to put their foot down when Mikey coped with the loss in increasingly reckless ways. Their little brother was convinced that Leo’s soul would be able to sense if they were in extreme levels of danger, and had taken to throwing himself in every situation that he came across. 

Raph didn’t have the heart to tell him that maybe the silence was more telling than any of them were willing to admit. He wished he could go back in time and shake his dumbass self whenever he got into a stupid argument with him. You need him! he’d say, and probably slap him because goddamn, was he dense. He’s your brother and you sort of hate him but you love him more! Get over yourself! 

Without meaning to, he bit down on the inside of his cheek, hard. Chances were, he was never going to get the chance to sit Leo down and apologize to him for arguing when the world was ending and for lashing out at every turn and for leaving him behind, because fuck, he’d left him behind. The others had looked from Splinter’s borderline corpse to him, the unspoken title of leadership hanging over him like a noose, and all he’d managed to think was, I’m not strong enough to bury two bodies. 

He still wasn’t. Problem was, with the decision he’d made, he wasn’t sure if he’d be able to find anything left to put in the coffin. 

“How long we got left?” Raph murmured, careful to keep his voice low. Almost all the others were dozing in the back with him. Almost, he said, because Mikey was completely conked out on Raph’s shoulder and Casey had taken over driving the last half of the trek about twelve miles back. 

His friend didn’t take his eyes off the road. “Couple of hours. Less if I push the speed limit, but I’m not sure if the cops out here are gonna be already Kraangified or, you know. Just regular fucking pigs.” 

Made sense. Raph nodded even though Casey couldn’t see from his angle and rested his head against the sliding door. Then, without even realizing he wanted to ask the question before it was slipping out of his lips, he said, “You think he’s still alive?” 

He regretted it as soon as he heard it. The friendship between him and Casey was male bonding at its finest; stabbing shit when they were angry, punching shit when they were sad, and making up whatever shit they needed to pretend that they weren’t scared at all. If Raph wanted some deep introspective conversation, he’d be better off with Mikey or April. Maybe even Splinter, if he was willing to deal with a proverb or two before they got to the real root of the problem. 

But Casey didn’t sigh or roll his eyes or flat-out ignore the issue. He just drummed his fingers on the steering wheel, this nervous tick that had peaked full-force during that stupid road race he and Donnie had gotten themselves wrapped up in, and frowned. A silent moment later, Raph realized that, against all odds, Casey Jones was pondering. 

After a minute, he pressed his lips together and said, “Yeah. I think he is.” 

Raph didn’t say anything, waiting for more. Then he recalled that while Casey was a pretty emotionally-conscious dude, he was also still a dumbass and probably planning to leave it at that. “You do?” 

“Yep. Leo’s strong. He’s a fighter, through and through. He found a way to survive, even if he had to grab at it with his bare fucking hands.” They passed a sign that warned of wildlife crossings. Casey gunned it, one hand casually flipping off the poster with his free hand, and Raph remembered that, oh right, Casey didn’t believe in deer. 

It was all the right words that were supposed to leave Raph with hope and newfound energy for their coming battle, but he couldn’t gather his own spirits. He just shifted on the floor of the van and asked, “How are you so sure?” 

“Because as much of a by-the-book tightass that guy is, I know he’d tear through any obstacle that made the mistake of fucking with him if it meant getting back to you guys.” 

“You’re – You’re right.” Despite himself, a smile crept along his face as he pictured Leo cutting down hordes of Foot Bots just in time to make it to dinner. “You’re a good man, Jones. Thanks.” 

“Don’t mention it.”

For a city that never slept, New York was fucking dead. 

Not dead like – like bodies lining the streets, which was probably a much worse possibility, all things considered. Dead in the way that the only movement any of them caught as they crept down the barren roads was the flashing of neon sides advertising shops whose windows had long since been smashed in. It felt like one of Mikey’s crappy horror movies, the idiot protagonists bumbling into a jumpscare-ridden ghost town. 

April could only sense a few hundred minds, a far cry from the sky high population they should’ve been dealing with. It was quickly chalked up by Donnie to be a side effect of the mind control devices they’d seen on the guards by the gates, but Raph wasn’t so sure. Conquerors didn’t exactly need survivors. 

If they got out of this, Raph was gonna have to find some sort of online therapist, ‘cause even he knew that it wasn’t normal for him to be thinking about death this much. 

“The manhole on Sixth is comin’ up,” Casey said over his shoulder as they drove so slowly that they should’ve been in bumper-to-bumper traffic. “Am I pulling over there?” 

“Yeah,” Raph said, just a heartbeat before Donnie shook his head. “Fuck you mean, Dork-atello?” 

His brother glared at him, a sight Raph had become unendingly familiar with over the last few months. At this point, the squabbles between the two of them were going to give Leo a run for his money. If – If he still had money. If he wasn’t dead. Fuck. Raph had to stop doing that. 

“Not sure if you remember, Raph , but the Kraang know where we live. It’s sort of what prompted their full scale invasion.” Beside him, April stiffened. She turned to look out through the window, and it was a testament to how caught up Donnie was in his own bullshit that he didn’t immediately backtrack to comfort her. “There’s no way we go back to the lair and make it out alive. They had to have put some sort of trap there.” 

“Leo might be there.” 

Donnie rolled his eyes. “He’s probably not.” 

In a flash, Raph was standing best he could in the cramped back of the van. He lurched for Donnie, only barely held back by a pair of hands tugging him by the bicep. “Don’t say that!” 

The edge in his glare vanished. Donnie didn’t flinch back, but he did bring his hands up. Don’t shoot. “I didn’t mean it like that! I just – It just – Even if he did make it back home, he probably – had to leave, sooner or later. It’d be stupid of the Kraang not to have constant sweeps back there.” 

“But they are stupid,” Mikey mumbled. 

“I’m about to pass the manhole,” Casey hollered. “Am I stopping or not?” 

Raph didn’t let Donnie get a word out. “Yes.” End of discussion. 

As soon as the Party Wagon’s wheels stopped spinning, Raph was out of there. Yanking the cover off was second nature, the same way most people easily slipped a key into their front door. He didn’t check if anyone was following him before taking the ladder down into the sewers. There was some soft splashing behind him, right before the telltale sound of Casey suppressing his instinctual gag at the smell the rest of them had all grown used to, so he supposed that the rest of them found their way alright. 

As much as Donnie bitched about it, Raph was careful, alright? He didn’t just mindlessly stomp forward, a man on a mission. He scanned his surroundings, one hand on the pocket with his shuriken, the other wrapped around his sai. To be fair, though, he didn’t do much to quiet his own footsteps. If Leo was close, he wanted him to be able to hear him. And if someone other than Leo was nearby, then it wouldn’t be terrible to get some extra training in. 

Right before they made it to the turnstiles Raph had leapt over more times than he could count, he was stopped by a palm on his shoulder. It was only because he could tell the difference between his brothers’ blocky hands that he didn’t rear around to punch the owner right where the sun didn’t shine. 

Already growling under his breath, he turned with a barely quieted sigh. “Sensei, what – ” 

His father raised a finger to his own lips. The unspoken was obvious. Shush. 

Raph felt the top of his mask dip down, brow furrowing. It wasn’t until he picked up on the voices echoing from inside the lair that he realized what Splinter’s more powerful hearing must have noticed. Behind them, the others had their lips pressed shut, weapons at the ready. They could storm their lair in an instant. 

But Raph lifted up his closed fist, the same way that Leo had done dozens of times in the past. He was always trying to make up sets of signals for them all to use, and the rest of them had done their absolute best in ignoring this, but some of them had stuck around despite their best efforts. 

It’d be the type of irony from one of Leo’s nerd shows if they burst in, blades and barbs hefted high, only to find the dumbass half-buried in the fridge. Come to think of it, that actually might’ve been a plotline from one of the sitcom episodes Raph had caught glimpses of as a child. It would be cliché and boring as hell, but after barely making it out of a goddamn alien invasion, Raph wouldn’t hate boring. 

But it wasn’t sounds of Leo coming from the lair. It was creaking metal, ragged pants, and the tussling of two larger than life beings. 

“Shut yer gillweed mouth!” Rahzar roared, right as a heavy weight smashed into a sheet of glass. Raph ran through the few breakables they owned; must’ve either been the pinball machine or some of Splinter’s pictures. From the way Mikey nearly fell to his knees, it was probably the former. He made to throw himself forward, only halted by April and Casey frantically pulling him back. 

“Are you done throwing your temper tantrum, Bradford?” A lighter tone, almost humorous if it didn’t have that rolling accent that Raph knew to belong to Fishface. “If so, I’m sure that I can rustle up a jerky stick from somewhere around here.” 

There was this wordless snarl, almost definitely from their resident mutt, that was just met with another laugh. “Disloyal idiot,” was all Raph managed to make of Rahzar’s rumbles. “If you think I won’t tell Master Shredder about this, yer more of a bottom-feeder than I’d thought.” 

This time, it was Splinter who leaned forward. Raph saw the way that his grip tightened around the top of his staff. That was the awful thing about those two. The Shredder was willing to burn down the entire world if only to spite Splinter, and Splinter’s whole world always whittled down to quelling the flames. 

“Listen, why don’t you? After what he did to the turtle, you think he’s going to stop?” 

Turtle. Leo. It had to be. Splinter had said that there’d been a sea of Foot Soldiers slumped on the ground by the time the Shredder had struck the final blow. Someone who could deal that much damage in that much time wasn’t just going to be finished with a slit throat. Besides, the dickhead duo wouldn’t be so freaked if the Shredder had just killed one of their adversaries. 

“He exterminated an enemy of the Foot.” 

“He broke that boy and you know it!” 

“Bah,” Rahzar grumbled. “You’re just upset you didn’t win the bet.” 

“This is about more than my pride, you fool. If he was willing to do what he did to that turtle, what’s to stop him from doing the same to us the instant we falter?” 

“Then don’t slip up.” 

Fishface laughed, this disbelieving huff that was such a far cry from his teasing earlier that it nearly gave Raph whiplash. “As if it’s that simple.” 

“It is. You do as the master says, you never question orders, and you definitely don’t go around spreading treason!” 

“He views that boy as an animal!” Fishface yelled. “Enemy or not, he is as human as we are, and the Shredder doesn’t care. How can you not see it? We are his pets to break and buy as he pleases. He will kill us in his pursuit of a vendetta from a bygone era!” 

“Loyalty is rewarded. We’ll be fine if we stay true.” 

“Loyalty is crammed down our throats. It is only a matter of time before he decides he’d rather prefer a fleet of attack dogs than a soldier’s armada.” 

“Then you better earn a place by his side, collar or not.” 

There was a pregnant pause. Raph took a second to glance behind him, and he was met with a quartet of wide-eyed jaw drops. By the time Fishface found his voice again, Raph had almost thought he’d left. “You truly enjoy serving him.” 

The words were one-note. Final. A conclusion long in the making but no less easier to push out. And all Raph could think was, Villains aren’t supposed to act like this. They aren’t supposed to be sad. 

“Don’t you?” 

He sighed, and it hit Raph like a truck that at the end of the day, this was a man named Xever. “I’m a giant fish, my friend. I don’t exactly have my pick of a career path.” 

If there was a time to strike, it was now. The two had fallen into a tense silence, no longer breaking Raph’s home in their anger. But Raph was reeling from the overload of information that’d been dumped on him, and he had no idea how his family was dealing with it all. What did that mean, that they’d broken Leo? Splinter had said that he didn’t look to be in great shape at the end of the fight, which was saying something, given that Splinter had fallen into a weeks-long coma after his own grapple. 

So when two sets of footsteps began to near them, Raph motioned for his family to stay still. Rahzar left through the opposite exit first, stiffing the air once before stomping off. Raph would’ve been concerned if he didn’t know for a fact that the rank smell of the sewers blocked out just about everything else that made it down here. Fishface followed him right after, though he was careful to keep his partner in eyeshot as the two of them left, not a word spoken between either of them. 

After they’d long since faded from earshot, Raph felt himself almost bowl over as Mikey tackled him in a hug. Six months ago, the little shit would’ve been shoved off before he knew it. But in the absence of their oldest brother, Mikey’d gotten clingier and clingier, and Raph didn’t have it in him to turn him down. 

“He has Leo,” Mikey hiccuped, tears threatening to roll down those baby fat cheeks. “He took him. He hurt him.” 

“Yeah,” Raph said, because how the fuck else was he supposed to respond to that? An elbow struck him in the ribs, quickly batted off by his free hand. “But that’s not the important part. Didn’t you hear them? He’s alive, man.” 

Because as much as the Shredder hated their family, blazing any scrap of happiness he came across, whatever he’d done to Leo was reversible. Leo was strong. Leo was a fighter. They could fix up any broken bones ol’ Shred Head might’ve given him, so long as he was alive alive alive. Raph’s brother was alive alive alive. 

Donnie pressed forward, some metal rectangle with a long antenna in hand. As he swept it from one side of the lair to the other, he said over his shoulder, “Those two were probably wrapping up a routine inspection. There’s a good chance another patrol is incoming, so we should get in and out of here fast.” 

“First good idea you’ve had all day,” Raph muttered. If he squinted, he could pretend that the reactionary huff came from a brother in blue, rather than a cooler color. 

Mikey lit up. He sprinted out of Raph’s arms, knocking into Donnie hard enough that he fumbled the weird machine as he hurled himself over the turnstiles. “I’ll get Leo’s nerd stuff!” 

“Wait,” Donnie tried, but Mikey was already a long-gone orange blur in the distance. He threw his hands up. “Fine! Trip a landmine, blow us all up! Not like I spent four days developing a signal that works on transuniversal technology for nothing.” 

Splinter drifted toward the kitchen, every bit of the borderline ghost he’d been since waking up to a family snugger than it should have been. “I should have some nonperishables stocked in the back.” 

“Help him out?” Raph mumbled to Casey, who was sort of awkwardly shifting his weight from one foot to another. It wasn’t like he had much here anyway, and the last thing they needed was for the old man to return with a year’s supply of cheesicles. “We’ll take anything we can carry in one trip.” 

His friend nodded and made to follow him. April frowned a bit, and Raph could see her carefully picking through her options before she gestured vaguely toward the dojo. “I’ll get some of his pictures. See if there are any boxes lying around here or something.” 

“Grab something of Mikey’s, if you can find anything small enough. Big dummy won’t remember to take anything that isn’t Leo’s until we’re halfway into Queens, and then he’ll end up crying until we come back.” 

She just smiled, this look in her eyes that spoke of her catching him exactly on his bullshit. Whether it was from her freaky psychic powers or just, like, the aura of April O’Neil, he wasn’t sure. “Sure thing.” 

“Appreciate it.” Raph turned to check for their stash of spare cash they kept, ironically enough, under the couch cushions, but he paused at the sight of Donnie hauling ass back toward the manhole they’d come through. “Jeez, missing Casey’s Slim Jim jumbo pack much? Don’t think that the van’s gonna drive itself away.” 

His brother didn’t even look back, just patting the duffle he had slung over one shoulder. “I got my go-bag. Everything else here is replaceable.” 

“Everything else here is replaceable,” Raph muttered under his breath. There was the slightest hitch to Donnie’s steps that spoke to him hearing the jab, but he didn’t comment on it. Raph rolled his eyes. “Fucking robot.” 

They may have had a roof over their heads back in the countryside, but they sure as hell didn’t get by fine. Raph could count the amount of times Sensei had spoken on one hand – on one human hand, at least – and their butchered attempts at physical therapy were laughable at best. Each of them were a bona fide mess, only held together by scotch tape and the heart-in-chest desire to get back to their old lives. 

It made him pissed like nothing else when Donnie would try to brush off the tar in their throats. Their injuries could’ve been much less treatable, after all. They were lucky that the O’Neils had a second property outside from the frontlines. When it came down to it, the invasion could’ve been much worse. 

Then Raph would remind him that while they might have remembered to bring their phone chargers, they lost their fucking brother, and then it’d get all awkward and quiet for a while. Yet no matter how thick the air got, Donnie always found the strength to open his big mouth again. It’d be heroic if it wasn’t so damn annoying. 

The money was where he thought it was, but way lower than he figured. Then again, Leo did always make a habit of tucking a few bills into Casey or April’s wallet when they weren’t looking. It all evened out, since the two made a habit of bringing by food or extra linens. Come to think of it, Raph should probably grab a couple blankets. They hadn’t thought to take any from the farmhouse until they were too far gone to go back. 

Raph was debating between the tattered quilt Splinter used to bundle around the four of them when they were so small Raph surprised himself by recognizing it or the thick duvet April’s aunt had spilled wine on when he heard a wheezy sob from down the hall. It wasn’t exactly rocket science to figure out who was making a fuss in there, even before Raph pushed open Leo’s door. 

“You don’t drink enough water to cry this much,” he warned, because at this point, it was on its way to becoming a health risk, and thinking about dehydration was easier than thinking about how lifeless the room was. “You’re gonna end up passed out again ‘cause you think Sprite and spite is enough to keep you going.” 

Mikey didn’t bite, which was one of the first things to set off the alarm bells in Raph’s head. He just doubled over, half-filled grocery bag in his arms, already kneeling, and made this sickly keening noise. “His stuff’s gone.” 

He sat down next to him, open arms. Mikey leaned into the sideways hug as soon as it was offered. “Dumbass. What are you talking about? Leo’s shit’s right here.” Raph nodded to the dork memorabilia lining the walls. “That ugly poster he snatched April’s hair dryer to fix up after he found it half-drowned, way more Cabbage Patch Kids than anyone should own, even his stash of sour strips he thinks we don’t know about.” 

“But his headphones aren’t! Or his Captain Ryan action figure or his pillow!” 

A quick glance confirmed this. There were awkward spaces on some of the shelves. Weirdly enough, the emptiness was deliberate; an off-center gap in a line of comics, a missing piece in an otherwise complete set of sword maintenance equipment. Things had been taken, and they hadn’t been random. 

“Maybe,” he tried, even though he didn’t believe his own words for a second, “Leo made it back and took his favorite stuff.” 

“He would’ve tried to find us first. He likes us better than stuff,” Mikey grumbled, but his tears had tapered off. 

“Yeah, he does. So we better find him quick and remind him of how awesome we are before he gets pissed that Casey tipped over his bonsai tree.” 

Mikey’s jaw dropped. “Bro didn’t.” 

Raph hiked a thumb over his shoulder. “Only one way to find out.” 

He scrambled to get to his feet, but he hesitated with one hand hovering over the bag’s strap. There was still space to be seen at the top. Mikey worried his lip as his gaze flickered around the room. Raph understood the sentiment; in the grand scheme of things, they knew fuckall about what Leo’d want once they got him back. Raph hadn’t been lying, though – at the end of the day, he was sure that Leo would much rather be with them again than within reach of his geek books. 

So he grabbed the tote before Mikey could beat his own thoughts, a foe that he’d give anything not to tangle with. “Go get some of your own crap before April fills your bag with squirrel feed and vegetable seeds. I’ll take this back to the Party Wagon.” 

His brother laughed, this lighter than air sound that hadn’t changed since they first turned double digits. He was so little, even though they were all the same age. It never failed to amaze Raph how they could be fucked five ways to Sunday, and still Mikey would answer the call of danger with a giggle and probably a water balloon. 

He’d never tell Mikey this, of course. Because for as much as Mikey was the fun one and Donnie was the smart one and Leo was the good one, Raph was the angry one. It was written in his bones until the only way he knew how to show love was to wrap it thrice around his knuckles as he shoved his way through problems. 

If he’d had been snatched instead of Leo, he was sure that he would’ve gotten home within the day. Leo would’ve fought tooth and nail for even the smallest chance at the slightest possibility of reuniting their family, while Raph turned tail before the going really got tough. Because Leo was Leo, and Raph was stuck being – being not-Leo. 

Leo’s love was persistent reminders about checking their gear and long-suffering sighs even as he gave into their whines. It was protecting and preserving, and it got the job done. Raph couldn’t be that. He couldn’t plan to ensure that they reached tomorrow. But he could fight like hell to get Leo back, and duct tape any frayed ends until things were okay-enough again. 

Mikey smiled. “Thanks, dude. You’re a real one.” 

If Leo was here, he’d make some sort of heavy handed reference to a Captain Ryan line. Just doing my deep-space duty, citizen. Rest assured that your fate is secure in blah blah space pun. 

Raph just shrugged. “Don’t mention it.” 

“Tell Ice Cream Kitty I miss her and I love her and she’s perfect in every way!” 

He made for the van, intending to do absolutely none of that. “You saw her half an hour ago.” 

“She needs constant reassurance!” 

Goddamn idiots, every last one of them. 

When they were kids, Mikey used to keep them all up for hours, crying that there was a monster under his bed, which was fucking stupid since if anything, they were the monsters spooking normal children. But in a sort of precursor to what would come, they’d all risen to the challenge. Leo had staked out the spot while Donnie’d absolutely covered Raph head to toe in bubble wrap, and then they sent him on an expedition for the ages. 

Where they’d promptly realized that Mikey’s mattress had become infested with a family of cockroaches, and Raph had lost his shit in every way possible. 

It’d started this godawful chain reaction. Raph had started screaming in panic, which set off Mikey, who’d freak out over everything and anything if given enough of a reason. The duet had spooked Donnie into bursting into frightened tears solely from the sudden sound, and by the time Splinter stumbled in from his own room, all four of his sons were sobbing. He’d brought them all close, running his hand up and down their shells in that way he’d done since before they could remember, and they’d calmed. 

Except Leo. For the life of him, Raph couldn’t remember what it’d been to trigger him. Maybe the loudness of it all, like Donnie, or maybe just the potent strength of all of his brothers in this one epic, if stupid, moment of fear. But he’d ripped himself out of the hug and tore across the room, diving for the mattress with all the power in his little limbs. Then he’d squashed each and every last bug, even as the three of them shrieked at the sight. 

When it was all done, Raph had refused to get near Leo until Splinter spent two hours disinfecting him. Then he’d hugged him so tight that when he really thought about it, years later, he could still feel it in his bones. 

Raph stopped right in front of the ladder. In front of the lowest rung was a roach, a skittering thing that stilled for the briefest moment. Nausea lurched in his stomach, but the knee-jerk terror didn’t rise. If anything, his breath was held not because he feared losing his lunch, but because some fucking stupid part of him half-hoped that Leo would dart out and smash the damn thing. 

The roach ran away. Leo didn’t run up. 

Goddamn idiots, even him. 

There was a tense muttering in the air when Raph made it topside. He picked up on it even as the manhole was dragged back to its rightful spot with a dull scraping sound. It got clearer as he neared the Party Wagon. 

“ – bandages, antiseptic – shit, that’s empty. Why didn’t I  – ugh. Hydrocortisone? Maybe where my backup batteries are…” Before Raph could tease him for the nerd monologue definitely picked up from a certain show, Donnie growled and hurled something from his belt. “Fucking dead. Shit, fuck, fuck – fuck!” 

Three solid weights smashed into him, right in the plastron. They were light as fuck, though, and Raph didn’t give them even a second. What he did worry about was the way Donnie clenched his head in his hands, nails scratching deep enough to leave white lines stretched tight across his skin. 

He rushed forward, taking Donnie’s hands in his with a sharp tug. The motion was protested but Raph could deadlift triple each of his brothers’ bodyweight, so it did fuckall. “Woah there, take a chill pill, Dee. You’re the only one who knows how to give stitches, so all you’re doing is giving yourself more work.” 

“Leo knows how to do stitches,” Donnie spat. He yanked his hands back again, to no avail. “Leo knows how to take basic fucking inventory too. He knows that – you don’t – max out – on offense gear!” Each few syllables was punctuated with another pull, but they got less intentional and far rougher as he went on, until he was just thrashing in his own frustration. “Fuck!” 

Raph’s gut twisted. “Tell me what’s wrong so I can fix it.” 

“You can’t. I fucked up. Again! Every – fucking – time! Gah!” In one desperate twist, slightly off-beat from the rest of them, Donnie’s wrists slipped out of the grip. Raph scrambled to catch them again, but Donnie was quick to fling more shit out from his pockets. “Shuriken, EMTs, even extra screws! I brought a whole armory in here but I didn’t think to take any painkillers or closure strips or – or even a thermometer.” 

“We have a med kit in the lair,” he tried.  

Donnie didn’t give any indication that he’d heard.“Four months to prep, and this is what I do with it? I should’ve sewn more space into my belt or fixed up the party wagon sooner. Jeez, if I’d know, I could’ve even attempted to forge a connection to his spirit, so that at least he wouldn’t be alone, but no, I just – ” 

“Hey!” Raph barked. “It’s fine. We’re fine. Leo’s fine, so you have to calm down before you hurt yourself! You’re no help to anyone if you’re too busy bleeding out in the back.” It was curt, but he knew how Donnie operated. Ones and zeroes, strict data that either pushed them toward their goal or strayed them from the path. It was the clearest cut way to voice that he needed to relax. 

And it worked. Donnie huffed again, but he shoved himself away to plant himself on the floor of the van, legs dangled as he drummed his fingers on the open door. After a moment, Raph took a seat next to him. He didn’t say anything, ‘cause he understood anger better than probably anyone else, and he got that most of the time, the words were acidic and aching to split out of a lock-jawed mouth. 

Sure enough, Donnie took in a quick breath and, like a confession, hissed out, “I didn’t think he was alive.” 

Raph had to bite his lip hard not to react to that. Fucking hell. He knew it. Every time that he’d prioritized building a new life for themselves out in Northampton instead of clawing their way back to this one, the emptiness in his gaze when Mikey scribbled down the plots of his Crognard episodes so that Leo could catch up. He’d just been humoring them. He hadn’t thought Leo was strong enough to survive. 

As much as his brother had denied it, Raph had suspected ever since Splinter woke up. Jeez, Donnie’d sworn up and down that he hadn’t given up, and he’d lied. But Raph was right. An ugly, rotten string of words sat on his tongue, only held back by the tears locked in the corner of Donnie’s eyes. 

“Shredder – It would take so much to keep him alive, in terms of the resources. Splinter said he’d wrecked him, so there’d be medical and security issues to keep him there, much less keep his other goons from finishing the job. It just – It doesn’t make sense. It’s not logical. It’s not worth it.” 

“But he’s alive. We know now that he’s alright.” 

“He might not be!” Donnie cradled his own neck in his hands, seeming about five seconds from dipping straight into his shell. “He could be in pain or scared or traumatized for all I know, and I didn’t do a thing to account for it. I spent all my time working on guiding Mikey and Splinter through their grief that I didn’t consider any sort of rehab.” 

Sitting there, slumped spine, Raph’s shell hurt. He’d taken an awkward fall while training by himself a few weeks back, and he hadn’t been able to muster the energy to get Doctor Dee to check up on him, since he knew that he’d be interrupting something far more important at work. 

“You’re not a mindreader,” he managed to say. “None of us are mad that you couldn’t see the future.” 

“I was so tunnel visioned by my own assumptions that I didn’t see much of anything.” 

“I guess,” he said with a shrug. “But you also rebuilt Mr. O’Neil’s van from scraps and seventies vibes. And you got Splinter walking when we weren’t sure if he ever would again. And you gave Mikey shit to do before he went stir crazy.” Raph thought of that too-big house in a too-quiet forest, too-unsure of everything to do anything. “You kept us together until we got back.” 

Donnie wrinkled his nose, already shaking his head. “You kept us together,” he corrected. “I just tinkered in the barn.” 

“It was a joint effort.” Even when they’d been screaming at each other harsh enough to send the woods rumbling, they’d both dropped everything the minute that any of the others had needed them. “Look. Neither of us are Leo enough to be Leo, but I think together, we’re enough to get him back.” 

Donnie glared at his empty palms, this resigned hatred that settled far too comfortable in his gaze. “What about after, when it all goes to shell again?” 

“We’ll deal with it later.” Raph hopped off the van, pulling his brother with them. “Now come on. April left her backpack here and I’m sure she won’t mind a pit stop at the drugstore to fill it up with all sorts of goodies – ” 

He was interrupted by Donnie smacking into him, arms wrapped tight, a cut-off sob in his throat. His little brother buried his head underneath his chin despite his height. On instinct, Raph returned the hug. When Donnie pulled back just a second later, he rubbed his eyes. They were red. “Thanks,” he mumbled. “You’re – a good brother.” 

“I love you.” Donnie blinked, a little surprised, and it made Raph queasier than he’d been in days. “You know that, right?” 

“I do,” he insisted, like a liar. He wouldn’t be holding himself so tightly if this was open information. “I just – I know we haven’t gotten along great recently, and I’m too annoying.” 

“Yeah, you’re annoying.” Donnie deflated, but Raph just pushed forward. “So’s Mikey and Leo and Casey and even April, even though she’s probably the least of all you guys. You’re annoying and I love you. They’re not, like. Separate.” 

“Oh. Right. I – forgot.” 

“Don’t. Or I’ll have to remind you, and that’ll ruin my reputation.” 

Donnie laughed a bit, though it was unshaky enough that it sort of became this off-color wheeze caught in his lungs. “Okay. Okay. Yeah. I love you too, by the way.” 

“I know. I’m awesome.” He slung an arm around him. “Come on. Let’s go get our dumbass brother.”

About halfway through their stay at Northampton, Donnie and Casey had taken the van and taken the freeway headed for New Hampshire for about five days. Only when they were absolutely sure that their location couldn’t be traced back to the farmhouse, Donnie had cracked open the decades-old, absolute brick of a laptop he’d snatched from a Best Buy in Lowell and hacked into the Foot’s database. 

He’d gotten in and out, a program scanning for information about Leo while he downloaded a set of blueprints for the New York base. Once he concluded that there was nothing to find, he’d tossed the device into a ravine and driven back. Even with all the precautions they’d undergone, it was still risky as shell. It’d taken them almost twice as long to come back, with how many offroads they'd insisted on going through. But it was worth it because now, months later, they had a map leading straight to the heart of the beast. 

There was a set of sewer tunnels that didn’t connect to their home. They had to go topside for about half a mile before dipping below again, but once they got there, it was practically a straight shot for Stockman’s lab. The plan was to stake out the place for a max of twenty-four hours. Either they’d use whatever information they found to their advantage or, if none was there, they’d snatch Stockman and beat it out of him theirselves. 

Well, Raph would beat it out of him. Maybe Casey. Probably April. The rest of them were a bit too goody-goody for it. 

The two humans were responsible for getaway and watch, jobs they both protested until they remembered that Raph and his brothers would be spending an entire day crouched in the rafters of one of the most dangerous places in the city. Donnie had spent almost a week back in Massachusetts teaching April the basics of his data-tracking system, so she’d be running twice-hourly checks to confirm that the rest of them hadn’t been spotted by Foot security. Casey, by contrast, was responsible for getting them out when it all inevitably went to shit. 

It was a good plan, all things considered. Probably not whatever Leo would come up with, but between Donnie’s idea of laying in wait until a golden opportunity presented itself and Raph’s impatience to get in and get out ASAP, it wasn’t half bad. The only problem was convincing Splinter of this. 

“Sensei – ” 

“Absolutely not.” Though they were parked in camera blindspot, they all flinched at how loud Splinter’s voice rose. “How could you expect me to sit idly by instead of retrieving my son?” 

“You’re not sitting by,” Donnie protested, fingers drumming against his bō as he glanced over his shoulder for the fifth time that minute. Raph just huffed. If the brainiac thought he was going to be able to convince paranoia incarnate of letting them take the lead, he was deluding himself. “We need you as backup in case things go back. April and Casey are our last resorts but you’ll be on-call for the moment we need you.” 

“You need me now.” 

“Chances are, Shredder’s got some sort of trick up his sleeve. It’s better in the long run to have you as an option, rather than get swept up in the same strike we take.” 

“Plus,” Mikey added with a sheepish shrug, “you’re not exactly in top shape. Like, you’re still a badass, for sure!” he was quick to correct. “But you were in a coma for, like, five-ever.” 

Splinter’s nostrils flared. He glared at the van’s floor, rather than make eye contact with his three sons already halfway out of the door. Weirdly enough, it reminded Raph of the first time they’d all left the lair, so eager to explore the outside even if they had no idea what was facing them. Sometimes, he wished they’d stayed where it was safe, instead of risking it all on the idea of a new chapter. Other times, though, he couldn’t imagine his world confined solely to those same four walls. 

That was the difference between them and Splinter, at the end of the day. Splinter had been burned by the world badly. He’d seen it all and come off hurting from it. The four of them, though, still hurled themselves toward new experiences, because they hadn’t had reason enough to assume that they’d end up worse for it. 

When Leo had gotten his ass kicked for the first time by Karai, he’d just smiled and pointed out the bright side to it. Donnie was star-eyed for a girl who only ever awkwardly smiled back at him. Mikey had gained and lost enough friends to win a record at this point. Yet every time they were thrown back to the ground, they picked themselves up before the dust had time to settle. 

The worst thing that had happened to Raph before the Invasion was Spike leaving him. Even though it’d been months and months ago by this point, he still felt the loss sharp in his chest every time he remembered it. His best friend, gone and kinda sorta hating him. But in return, he had Casey and April and pizza gyozas and the sky and the stars and the sun. It was a deal he didn’t completely regret striking. 

But if the price of all that and more was Leo, he didn’t think he’d ever forgive himself for tripping into making the trade. 

Splinter sighed. “Do not hesitate to get me.” 

“Aye, Sensei,” they chorused. 

Mikey hopped out of the van first, shaking out his hands as he popped the blade from his ‘chucks in and out, in and out, in and out. With a deep breath, Donnie was after him, before Raph followed the both of them. As soon as they were out of the van’s earshot, Donnie slowed his pace enough to where a gap a couple meters long stretched between the two of them and Mikey. 

Softly, so that Raph had to mute his own heartbeat so that he could hear him, he murmured, “We’re not calling him, are we?” 

Raph shook his head. He’d caught Donnie’s gaze as he’d spewed that bullshit about the necessity of backup, just as he was sure that April and Casey had. “If Shredder gets eyes on him, he’s not letting him leave. Either of them. He’ll kill Leo just to see the look on Sensei’s face, then kill Sensei so he never has a chance to be happy again.” 

When it all came down to it, it wasn’t aliens or mutants or covert companies that they needed to really worry about. It was a human, and he was the most monstrous of them all. 

If he had the chance, Raph wasn’t sure if he’d take the final shot on the Shredder. He liked to think that he would, but he wasn’t stupid. He knew there was a difference between imagining taking a life and the real deal, just as insisting that he was going solo wasn’t the same thing as actually doing it. The others liked to say his bark was worse than his bite, but teeth could still draw blood all the same. 

Part of him pictured black slime pouring out of the wound in place of what would actually be there. That was what happened when you killed monsters, after all. They stained the world one final time before disappearing. But he wasn’t a child. He knew that if he really took down the Shredder, all he’d be left with was red palms and a body to dispose of. 

Lost in his thoughts, he didn’t notice Mikey had stopped until he was all but running into him. He swore and stumbled back to his feet at the last moment, already planning on slapping the crap out of him for that one, but he paused at his little brother’s uncharacteristically deep frown. It didn’t sit right, like a clown at a funeral. 

“I’m seventeen.” 

“What?” 

“I’m seventeen,” Mikey repeated, “just like you guys.” He gritted his teeth. “I’m not a baby. I’m not a kid. You can’t – You can’t treat me like I’m stupid, or like I need protecting. That’s not fair.” 

Raph blinked. 

What he said was simple. It was straightforward. And it wasn’t untrue. As much as they joked that he was just a little kid at heart, Mikey wasn’t actually younger than them. It just seemed like it, from his attitude and the silly things he got up to. Then again, there hadn’t been much silliness to be had lately. 

“You’re right,” Donnie said quietly. His gaze was far away. “We haven’t been fair. It’s just…” 

“If you of all people are getting serious, things are really bad,” Raph filled in. There was this hollow sensation in his chest. The best way he could describe it as the feeling he’d got as a kid when he realized Santa Claus wasn’t real. Disappointment, maybe? Acceptance, mostly. “But yeah. It’s – Yeah. Things are really bad anyway.” 

“Are we gonna kill someone tonight?” 

Raph bit down on his lip until he tasted blood. Then he bit down some more. “If it comes down to it.” 

“If it gets us Leo,” Donnie corrected, as if he was on the same page as Raph. Maybe he thought he was. Privately, Raph knew that if it really came down to it, the choice wouldn’t be made by him. It’d be whatever desperate adrenaline had him diving for his weapons. 

“Okay,” Mikey said softly, eyes wide. “Okay.” 

“Are you – fine with that?” 

“I think I have to be. Right? I mean, if it’s Shredder or Leo, I’m picking Leo, so – yeah. I guess.” 

Raph’s mouth was opening before he could help it. “You won’t have to do it. I’ll do it, if it really gets tight.” 

Mikey frowned. “I don’t think that’s up to you.” 

Huh. They really were fucked if Mikey was offering insights.

They’d planned on a day-long stakeout. The snacks they packed were small and filling, Mikey’s fidget toys wouldn’t make a sound if they clattered to the floor, and they’d triple checked that their comms were on silent mode. In short, they expected an achingly slow stretch of time where all they’d do was watch and listen. 

But the moment they settled in the rafters of Stockman’s lab, Raph nearly toppled off at the sight of Leo. 

First things first, he didn’t seem completely fucked. Raph didn’t have a great shot of him from here, so he couldn’t pick up on everything, but there weren’t any broken bones or casts. Might be a mottling of bruises, though that could easily be just a side-effect of the freaky lighting. His posture was slumped, a rarity when it came to him. 

He was sat on the edge of a medical table. There were restraints attached to the side, but they hadn’t been fastened. They were almost like an afterthought. Hands at his sides, Raph saw Leo actually pick at one of the binds, running his nail up and down as he kept his gaze low. His legs were dead still, and Raph knew for a fact that they should have been swinging back and forth. For as much of a hardass his brother pretended to be, there was only so much he could do to pretend that he wasn’t as much of a kid as the rest of them were. 

Then came the weird parts. For one, some sort of funky headset was strapped onto him. It looked like a regular chunky pair of headphones, except they reached down to bookend both sides of his jaw. Almost like a ram’s horns. There was a short bit connected to one side, and Raph had the distinct feeling that a piece was missing. Whether that was a metaphor or not, he had no fucking clue. 

What really took the cake was the freak next to him. Shredder had his hand on Leo’s shoulder, in this facsimile of one of those proud dad moments on Mikey’s crappy sitcoms. He was talking to Stockman about something stupid, probably, and even as the fly messed with a gigantic tank of frothing water, he didn’t take his grip off. He just angled himself a bit and kept his hold tight. 

And Leo didn’t protest it. He didn’t move an inch, really. He just sat there, almost like a doll. If it wasn’t for the fact that he was sitting up by himself, Raph might’ve thought that he was dead. 

Raph turned toward the others. Mikey had gotten pale while Donnie turned contemplative, tongue poking out of his mouth as he studied the scene below. They made eye contact, Raph pointedly gesturing to the trio, then back at Donnie. Their plan had been long-term recon, but if they had their target in sight, why not strike now? 

At least, that was what he tried to convey. How much got lost in translation, he didn’t know. But Donnie just shrugged and slowly worked out the tranq gun he’d stashed in his bag. The projectiles were designed to implant sedatives proportionate to bodies they embedded themselves in, apparently. They were just as capable of taking down Tiger Claw as they were a basic Foot Soldier. 

It was a helluva lot sooner than anyone thought they’d fly into action, but that wasn’t the worst problem to have. If anything, it was a fresh burst of good luck that they’d been missing for a damn long time. It was karma, really. It was fine, this was fine, and Raph was being dumb to have his gut twist as Donnie took aim. 

There was movement in the tank Stockman was fiddling with. Something that disturbed the bubbles, or maybe something that made the bubbles. 

Shredder turned fully so that his back was to Raph and his brothers, facing Stockman head-on. He said something that Raph couldn’t catch, and as he moved, his hold on Leo’s arm lifted the slightest. 

Something pale in the water shifted. 

Leo shifted. Barely a centimeter, barely noticeable if Raph hadn’t been trying and failing to pour the entirety of his attention on his missing brother. He shifted, and he pushed himself closer to Shredder’s bare skin. 

From behind a flurry of bubbles, Karai’s sickly but ultimately human skin peaked out. Her green eyes went wide, slitted pupils that weren’t focused on the form on the table, but up, up, up.  Raph’s lungs seized as a mission to return one child to their father doubled in an instant. He – He didn’t have the space in his brain for this. 

The thousands and thousands of hexagonal plates in Stockman’s eyes glinted. They were reflective, Raph dully thought amidst it all. 

Donnie squinted one eye. 

Karai smashed her fists against the class. 

Then, again, they were reflective. 

Donnie pulled the trigger. 

“Wait!” 

Maybe it was Karai’s line of sight straight for them, easily traceable from anyone paying her even an ounce of attention. Maybe it was the way that Stockman’s big ass eyes bounced off images like he blinked back mirrors. Maybe it was Raph’s own voice, a hissing bark so loud in a environment so quiet, that fucked them over. In the end, it didn’t really matter. It all ended the same. 

Shredder didn’t rotate, so much as he pivoted, shifting on the heel of his foot to whip out of the way of the dart. His hand was dipping into his pocket and flinging a set of shuriken before his own duck was complete. Raph rushed to dive out of the way, but he wasn’t the target. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Donnie bite back a yell as one flew right into the meat of his nondominant arm. 

Despite the blood running down his skin, Donnie scrambled to reload. Raph’s heart just about pounded out of his chest. Fuck. Fuck. He should’ve brought the bow and arrows Splinter had strung by hand when they were young and clumsy. Should’ve snatched the gun Casey’s dad had stashed in the floorboards under his bed and gone batshit with it, should’ve thought of a backup plan like Leo would’ve. 

To his credit, Donnie took advantage of the moment to shoot off half a dozen more rounds, but the Shredder just yanked Stockman into the line of fire. The tranqs buried into his squirming form with a sickening thunk-thu-thunk, and he was out before he knew it. Shit. Their only chance now was to catch Shredder off guard before he scraped enough of himself together. 

Raph sprung off of the beam with both feet. The drop wasn’t a short one, and it gave him plenty of time to tighten his ironclad hold on his sai, albeit with the drawback of leaving him vulnerable to aerial attacks. It was fine, Donnie would cover him. He hit the ground running, heart racing as he neared his brother for the first time in months. 

Shredder raced to meet him first, something that Raph didn’t have much issue with. He jammed the pronged side of his sai right into the jackass’s jaw, only to be batted away with the backside of a forearm. Something slammed into the side of his head, and he didn’t hesitate before sinking his teeth into it. That didn’t give him much mobility as a result, so his attack got a bit – scrappier. 

He smashed his fists into both sides of Shredder’s arm, searching for a give that didn’t greet him. A hand swallowed both of his in an instant. He was raised off of the floor, kicking wildly, a fish caught with rotting bait. Behind him, he could see a flash of blue, so utterly still. Shit, fuck – He bit down harder, grinding his molars until he could feel something cracking. 

“AAGH!” 

Raph was hurled off the instant he tasted copper pennies on his tongue. There was a hard crack of something solid, and it was only when he blinked blurry tears back for the fifth time that he realized it had been his skull. His gut protested. Shit, he was probably concussed, but Leo, he had to get to Leo. He rolled onto his plastron, heaving in desperate pants. 

Above him, Shredder had gotten his grubby mitts on a meter-long piece of rebar, probably scrap metal from the fly. He slung it over his shoulder like a baseball bat, and Raph swore he felt every cell in his body revolt. It was a trainwreck in action, it was a station wagon revving down a freeway only to head-on collide with a deer, and he was the fucking deer, and he needed to get to Leo and he needed Leo and Shredder was winding up and – 

Shredder launched the rebar like it was a javelin, high into the air, into the rafters above shit shit shit – 

Mikey screamed. 

Raph’s stomach turned. Behind him, a weight hit the ground in a sickening thunk. It was all he could do to crane his head toward it, half-twisting because he couldn’t get his legs to move and that was something that was becoming more concerning with every heartbeat. Mikey was belly-up – no, fuck – Mikey had his shell to the floor and the rebar was missing – No, it was buried into the wall over there, not in Mikey, but Mikey was crying so – so – so something was wrong. 

A flurry of tranqs rained down on them. It was all Raph could do to curl up into the smallest form he could manage, hoping against all hope that he didn’t get nicked and brought down for the count. There was the sound of metal against metal, reverberation and reflection, until it all came so suddenly still. Unnaturally still, a pause in the shots that shouldn’t have happened, because Raph was counting the rounds and Donnie still had some left in the barrel. Throat desert dry, Raph cracked an eye open. 

Shredder had Leo pressed against him, a knife to his throat. 

His hold was around his neck. That was what Raph noticed first, since he had to know what to be wary of when he ripped Leo back with his bare fucking hands. Elbow pinning him into his chest, the bastard had Leo balancing on the tips of his toes just to keep himself from choking. He’d made his arms into a noose, what the fuck. There was so much skin-on-skin contact, Leo must’ve been feeling sick with it. 

Leo wasn’t squirming, though. Wasn’t fidgeting, wasn’t cringing away from the touch. Probably too scared to do anything. Who knew how present the poor guy was anyway? Shock was a helluva drug, after all. And those freaky headphones probably weren’t helping much either. 

“Drop the gun,” Shredder said, so quietly that Donnie might not have been able to pick it up from all the way up there. Even as Raph squinted, he still couldn’t quite make out his brother in the rafters. The probable concussion didn’t help, but there was so much darkness up there that it all became one hazy fog. 

The tranq gun clattered to the ground. It split into two jagged pieces upon contact, the sedatives spilling onto the hard concrete. 

“Good.” In his arms, Leo twitched. Even as his body thrummed in one giant bruise, Raph tried to catch his gaze. He needed some sort of peek into whatever was going on in Fearless’s head, but Shredder clapped his hand over his eyes and brought him closer. An off-note, rumbling sound just barely escaped from Leo’s lips. Fuck, poor guy must’ve been so scared. “Get down here.” 

Donnie skidded out from the rafters like there was a fire under him. An unsettling amount of blood trickled down him as he came to land a scant few feet away from Mikey. He was standing crooked, one arm sagging unnaturally. Raph couldn’t see the whites of his eyes from here. 

“You too.” Shredder nodded to him, and Raph felt his skin crawl at it. “Run to your brothers, little freak.” 

He tried to get to his feet. Really, he tried. But just bracing his palms against the concrete sent his vision swimming, nausea flip-flopping like a shitty weathervane. Something was wrong and moving was only making it worse, except Leo had a blade less than an inch from his bruised, blue-purple throat, so Raph had to grit his teeth and stumble forward until he was colliding with Donnie. 

Donnie braced him without a word, slinging his arm over his shoulder so that he could bear some of the weight. Raph probably shouldn’t have let him do that, bum arm and all, but the thought abandoned him when Donnie leaned close in the transfer and murmured, “Mikey’s alright. Bad fall, faking most of it.” 

He snapped over to Mikey, still curled up. Soft sniffles leaked out as he stayed huddled there, but when he shivered and the hands slapped over his skin shifted, Raph saw that there were just a couple scrapes hiding underneath. Still, the crocodile tears poured. Smart kid. 

“Come out, Yoshi.” Shredder whipped his head back and forth, glaring daggers into empty shadows. When Splinter didn’t creep into the light, Shredder growled something low and brought the knife closer, until the blade bit deep enough into Leo that Raph couldn’t help but watch for the tell-tale splash of red. “Don’t be a coward. Fight for your children!” 

“He’s not here,” Donnie said evenly, gaze locked onto Leo. 

Shredder’s eyes flashed. “Summon him, then. He is to be here – now.” When none of them moved, he contracted the fingers clasped over Leo’s face. They dug into his skin, apparent even from here. One of Leo’s legs kicked out, jittery like a bug’s, before he stilled. Raph could hear how his labored breathing caught. “Get the rat!” 

Distantly, Raph knew that Donnie was taking painstakingly slow measures to take out his T-Phone. That he was calling April or Casey or even Splinter himself. That Mikey was tugging on his ankle and that he needed to do something about it. But it was all he could do was take heavy breaths in an effort to keep the panic locked tight in his chest. If it spilled out, he didn’t think he’d be able to scoop it back behind his incisors before it stained. 

Maybe a few minutes later, maybe more, Splinter came marching through the doors. He hadn’t bothered to sneak in like they had. His cane clacked on the floor, seeming less like a walking tool for his bad hip than it’d been in months. Raph could see how his teeth clicked against each other as he came to a stop halfway between the both of them and hollered, “Saki!” 

Shredder smiled, this oh-so-pleased smirk that nearly made Raph lose his lunch on the spot. “Yoshi. You’re looking senile, brother. Has your time in exile softened you as I suspected it would?” 

“You release my boy this instant!” Splinter shouted. “I will have none of these games with you.” 

“Because you realize even now that you’ve already lost. But, in the spirit of keeping things fair, I’ll comply. I like my wins to have been earned.” With an easy shrug, Shredder slackened his grip, shoving Leo to the ground without care. Leo collided with the concrete hard enough that Raph winced. 

“Those things on his ears too,” Splinter demanded. When Shredder did just that, Raph felt his mask dip in that way that April’s eyebrows did when her muscles locked tight. This wasn’t right. It made no sense for Shredder to go along with this, not when the guy dealt power trips like they were offered BOGO at corner stores. 

The headphones were tossed onto a work desk without care, crashing into the surface with a rattling clang. The sound echoed in the quiet chamber, and Leo flinched as he brought both hands to his tympana. His eyes were screwed shut, lips pressed tightly together. After a moment, though, he cracked one open. The next followed as he stared wordlessly at Splinter and the rest of them. 

Splinter opened his arms. “Leonardo, my son – ” 

“Ahem.” 

Leo was off like a shot. He scrambled to his feet in such a wild motion that he smashed into a table, pushing off of it as soon as he collided. Beakers and bottles and all sorts of sciency shit smashed into shards. Between one heartbeat and the next, he was on his knees, shell to them, facing Shredder. 

Raph felt his stomach turn. 

Still rubbing at his wet eyes, Mikey laughed quietly. It was forced as fuck. “Uh – Leo, you should – Um, you should get up. So we can go home and – and yeah. So we can go home.” 

Leo didn’t even twitch. He just looked up at Shredder like he was the only thing in the whole world. He barely even blinked, swaying softly as every piece of him devoured the sight in front of him. And all Shredder did was chuckle, a sound that had Leo leaning even closer, if that was possible. Shredder reached out, and Raph finally found his voice. 

“Don’t you fucking dare!” 

Mikey yelled, “Don’t touch him!” 

Shredder just held out his hand, grinning with too many teeth when Leo pressed his face into his palm. That same sickeningly fragile rumble floated through the air, and Raph realized that it was a purr. They – Leo hadn’t done that since they were kids. Little, little kids who hadn’t been sure how human they were, if their tongues would be able to contort into Japanese and English, the way the people on TV did. 

“Kappa,” Shredder said, and Raph straightened when he realized that he was talking about Leo, “would you like to prove how good you are for your master?” 

No. Fucking no. This couldn’t be happening. Raph must’ve slipped in the farmhouse bathroom the night before they left the outskirts. He’d cracked his skull on the clawfoot bathtub, fallen into a coma just like Splinter had, and was now riding some chickenshit product of every one of his fears all wrapped up in one nightmare. Nightmare – It was the Dream Beavers, back for round two, and Raph needed to wake the fuck up. 

Leo nodded into Shredder’s hand. 

Shredder ran a thumb down the side of Leo’s face, smoothing it the way some rich asshole might rub dirt off of a piece of art. Leo’s purr only got louder at that, and Raph distantly realized that his brother had no idea what sounds he was making. “Then tell me five things you love about me.” 

Before Raph could vomit over whatever the fuck that was, Leo was speaking, and every thought in his head vanished in an instant. “Love you, i’lov-you. Uhm. I’love how your skin feels on mine, s’ good, everything I need I need you. I’love how your voice ‘s in my head, meant for it, meant for me.” His scrabbling fingers were yanking Shredder’s hand closer to his face, like he was trying to fuse the two together. 

His eyes were unnaturally wide, dinner plates magnified ten times over. “I’love how y’always give me a – a second chance, ‘cause I fuck up, I’m bad, I’m sorry ‘m sorry ‘m sorry.” A guttural scream burst out, and before it had time to end, Leo was already talking through it. “Please, please, I’love your heartbeat. You live for me, I live for you, you-nd-me, always, just us.” 

Each syllable was barely defined from the last. The words crashed into each other, veering like incoming traffic. Some of them came out in one string of noises, a set of sounds that should have been individual squashed together in one slurred slop. I love you. I’lov-you. Something that had been repeated over and over again, tone deeper than it’d been for the last two decades, until each piece lost all meaning and became one uniform babble. 

“I’love how you teach me. Teach me t’be good, ‘m good, ‘m good ‘m good ‘m good, promise, please, please d’leave. I’lov-you, lov-you, lov-you, y’so good ‘nd nice ‘nd kind, I need you, i’lov-you – ” 

“Shut up,” Shredder cut in, but he didn’t sound mad, just – content. The Shredder was content over Raph’s brother shaking himself to scraps in his grip. What the fuck. Leo’s mouth clapped closed, and he trembled under the weight of Shredder’s gaze. “Good,” he said, and the lab echoed with a bubbly squeal that wrenched itself out of Leo’s throat, like a kid at a birthday party. “Get over here.” 

And Leo leapt into Shredder’s outstretched arms, burying himself into the hold without hesitation. He wriggled in it, pressing closer even though that wasn’t possible, clinging so tightly that Raph felt his own muscles ache. Raph – Raph didn’t remember the last time he’d hugged Leo. 

“What did you do?” Raph heard himself say, though he could’ve sworn he’d locked his jaw to prevent the bile from spilling out. “What the fuck did you do?” 

Through it all, Shredder cupped Leo’s head with his hand, an easy grip betrayed by the ear-to-ear grin he sported. So pleased, so happy with himself. “I turned him inside-out and kept the pieces I preferred.” 

“I’m gonna kill you. I’m gonna fucking kill you.” Then, stronger, feeling the weight of every syllable on his tongue, he screamed, “I’m gonna fucking kill you!” 

There was the sound of quiet crying in the quiet room. Instinctively, Raph glanced down at Mikey, worried that his fake injuries had somehow turned real. But Mikey’s eyes had dried. There was something hollow and burning in his gaze, and as much as Raph ached to do something about it, that wasn’t what he was searching for. Despite knowing better, he looked up, in front of him, and had to fight to hold himself back. 

Leo was sobbing into Shredder's chest, mumbling out something that Raph could barely pick up on. His eyes were closed again, shoulders hiked close to his ears. “Sorry, ‘m sorry ‘m sorry ‘ll be better. I’lov-you, please.” 

Raph had made his brother cry. He’d – Leo hadn’t cried in front of them in years. Not since they were so young that it’d sent all four of them into tears of their own. Even through the worst of it all, Leo had always stayed strong, and Raph had made him cry. Raph had made him cry. Holy shit. 

Shredder just stroked the top of his head, like he would a dog. “It’s alright. You’re safe,” he said softly, the tone clashing against everything Raph knew about the awful man. His smile never wavered as he soothed Leo. If anything, it only grew. “You can calm down, Leonardo. I’m here. Your master is here and he wants you to calm down. Calm down.” 

The worst part about it was that it worked. Leo’s breathing slowed from a frantic near-hyperventilation to something still frazzled but much more relaxed. His tears tapered off, though he didn’t open his eyes. He just stood there with the Shredder, like there was no place else he’d rather be. 

“You know, you’ve done half the work for me, Yoshi,” Shredder said conversationally. “Before I did a thing to him, he was already so very eager for validation. It was almost too easy to guide him toward a superior master.” Leo didn’t so much as flinch. What the fuck. “It hardly took three months to make him like this, and ever since, I’ve spent the time enjoying my new son.” 

That caused a reaction. Splinter roared, an inhuman sound that had Leo forcing himself even closer to Shredder. “He is not your son!” The cane was shifted from one hand to another, until it was the staff that he’d spent decades training with. Splinter marched forward, footsteps thunderous. “Release him. Release him this instant and face me as you have wished!” 

Shredder turned Leo to where he was facing them. He pinned him in place even as he bucked, holding down his flailing limbs like they were nothing. “See how they wish to take you from me?” Shredder hummed. “They despise our bond. They don’t understand what you need. They want to separate us!” 

“N – No,” Leo croaked. “N – Please, i’lov-you, please I – ” 

Splinter crossed the distance in a rush. “Let him go!” 

Shredder just bared his teeth. “Try to take him.” Then he shoved Leo away, sending him tripping over his feet as he dove at Splinter. 

He was going to do his absolute best to kill Splinter. Raph knew that, logically. He knew that if there was ever a moment to gather as a family against a singular common foe, it was now. But for the love of it all, he couldn’t muster the energy to even watch the tussle between the two. As soon as Shredder was distracted, he was sprinting across the divide, toward Leo. 

Mikey beat him there, but only barely. He was crouching down at Leo’s height, ducking into a hug Raph knew he’d been craving for months, but he was denied. Leo smacked him away the moment their skin made contact. He’d started crying again, maybe during the fall, maybe before. The sobs poured out from his lips freefall, not held back in the slightest. 

“It’s okay,” Mikey was saying, open palms, but Leo wasn’t having any of it. “We’re here, we’re back. You’re alright, I promise.” 

“No, no. I need him, d’leave, come back! ” Leo hurled himself toward the fight between Shredder and Splinter, scrambling to get closer. It wasn’t so much as a carefully considered move as it was an instinct for Raph to grab him, yanking him back before he could get hit in the crossfire. Leo screamed like he was being tortured. 

As soon as Raph and Mikey had him somewhat immobile, Dr. Donnie was on it. He gave the world’s shittiest checkup, examining for bruises and breaks on arms and legs that kicked out in wild jerks. At one point, Leo nailed him in the jaw with a straw elbow hard enough that he had to back up, spit something out, and keep going despite the blood running down his chin. 

Mikey was crying too, copying Leo the way he had with all of them since they were tots. It made him a vulnerable target, something that Leo knew in some capacity, because Leo scratched him across the face in a catlike swipe, taking advantage of Mikey’s knee jerk recoil to throw himself forward again. 

“Pleasepleasepleaseplease – ” 

“We’re right here,” Mikey was insisting, because he just didn’t get it. To be fair, Raph wasn’t all that sure that he did either. “It’s okay, you’re okay. We love you. Please, Leo, it’s okay!” 

Raph gritted his teeth. He turned to Donnie, who was pressing the pads of his fingers against the gouges inset on Leo’s ankles. “Do you have more sedatives?” 

Maybe it was cruel. Maybe it was overkill when they were already dead and drowning, but Raph had no fucking clue was else to do. Donnie just nodded and slung his back off his shoulder, rifling through it with lightning speed. Then he brought out a small needle. At the sight of it, Leo’s struggles doubled, this bone-deep terrified scrambling that finally sent Donnie flying with one unlucky strike. 

“Donnie!” 

Mikey’s surprise had him weakening his grip despite the threat. With a harsh shove and a growl, he tumbled onto his side. His eyes widened as a loud crack came from his pocket, right before a plume of purple gas erupted and swallowed him whole. The smoke crept into Raph’s lungs, sending him coughing hard enough that it couldn’t have been all that hard for Leo to smash their foreheads together and send him stumbling back. 

At least three of the smoke bombs Mikey’d brought must’ve gone off. It was the only explanation for how thick the air got with gas. Raph felt around for Donnie and just managed to grab Mikey, hauling both of them out of the immediate epicenter before they choked. A few yards out, it wasn’t much better, but Raph was able to see two inches from his face. 

If nothing else, at least this would slow Leo down. With how off-balance he was, there was no way he’d be able to find Shredder, regardless of how loud his clash with Splinter was getting. It gave Raph time to check over Donnie, who was lock-jawed but still conscious. He had to get him out of here, he realized. There were too many wounds cutting too deeply. They wouldn’t be mendable for much longer. 

“Sensei!” he shouted, hoping against all hope that he wasn’t drawing Shredder right to their location. “Sensei, we have to go!” 

In the less hazy parts of the smoke, he caught sight of Splinter smashing Shredder’s skull into a wall. He raked his untrimmed claws over the man’s bare skin, kicking out his feet in the chaos of it. Shredder managed to stay upright by pushing off of a work desk. He got his grubby hands on a beaker and smashed it over Splinter’s snout, who didn’t so much as falter as he bashed Shredder once, twice. In a flash, he snatched a knife from Shredder’s belt and dove at him, blade snapping to Shredder’s throat – 

Only to freeze like someone had hit pause on him when Leo flung himself at the Shredder, clinging to their family’s enemy with every scrap of himself. 

Everything went still. Even the smoke seemed to solidify in the air. Shredder blinked down at Leo, and Raph could’ve sworn he saw a hint of surprise there. Splinter’s free hand reached out, trancelike. He didn’t grab Leo. He wasn’t going to grab Leo, Raph knew, because that would undoubtedly leave Leo in tears, and their father had always hated making them cry. 

Raph didn’t know how he was going to fix this. 

It didn’t matter, though, because Shredder hissed, right into the shell of his ear, “Kappa, maim.” 

And Leo lunged – 

And Splinter screamed – 

And Shredder smiled – 

And despite it all, Raph thought back to the warning he’d received without knowing it, that he’d thrown away as soon as he gleaned the facts he’d wanted. He views that boy as an animal, Fishface had said, and Raph had waved it off as exaggeration. Because even though Shredder had swiped a baby from a fire, even though he had tossed an almost-corpse through a window, even though he had sold out humanity for the sake of a broken heart, he was human. He wasn’t a monster. 

But as Leo sunk his teeth further into his father’s fingers, Raph didn’t believe that anymore. 

Splinter fucked up, then. In a pain-hazed panic, the hand holding the blade crashed into Leo’s skull. It wasn’t his fault. He couldn’t have been thinking clearly. But what happened happened, and Leo went skidding back with a yowl. He clutched the bleeding side of his face for only a second before Shredder was yanking him by the wrists, pressing their faces so close together that Raph nearly puked for the millionth time today. 

“This is how much I love you. This is how grateful you should be!” Shredder was yelling, and Leo just shrieked back, so unendingly terrified despite the i’lov-you ’s spilling from his lips. “They don’t love you like I do. I will burn down the world for you!” 

Part of Raph wanted to watch the rest. See what inanity Shredder would force Leo to perform, get angrier and sicker at the lengths Leo was forced to. But he knew what would happen. Shredder would scream and Leo would survive in the only way he knew would work, and it’d end with Shredder shoving him away and Leo throwing himself back toward him. It was toxic and it was intoxicating. 

Raph couldn’t save Leo today. But he could save the rest of his family, at the cost of dipping now. It was fucked. It was. And it wasn’t the first time this had happened, and Raph had no clue if that made it better or worse. Maybe it didn’t. Maybe bad was bad was bad, and this was all there was to it. 

He didn’t know. He just took his other brothers by the arm and dragged them away.

They escaped. Barely. Mikey cried the whole way back. Whenever Raph tried to set his hand on his shoulder, he was shrugged off and the wails got louder. Only April was allowed to touch him, and even then, he wouldn’t say a word when she softly probed him. She didn’t push it, just running her nails up and down Mikey’s shell. If Raph squinted, he could switch out one brother for another, one human for another, and he had to look out the window before he jumped through it. 

Donnie was in the passenger seat. He’d climbed in as soon as the Party Wagon came blazing down the corner. That was the best place to fire the weapons. It was also the only place in the entire van with an armrest, which he put to good use as he picked out shards from the gash stretching from his elbow to his wrist. 

Until they got back home, or wherever the hell they were driving, it was on Raph to keep ahold of Splinter. It’d taken all three of them to force him into the van, and he’d tried leaping out twice already. No one had said anything about the hand bleeding onto the seat covers. Raph didn’t know much about anatomy, but he’d heard about how much bacteria and crap lived in a mouth, and they sure as shit weren’t up to date on their vaccines. It was more likely or not that they’d amputate in one way or another, and he couldn’t be the only one thinking that. 

No one had told Splinter that Karai had been there, Raph was pretty sure. It’d be a while before they got around to it. It wasn’t like they were starving for bad news, after all. Just one shitty situation stacked atop another, like a lasagna from hell. 

After a far too long stretch of silence, April mumbled, “If it’s his head that’s wrong, I could fix it. Take a look, see what they did.” 

“You think it’s, like, mind control?” Casey said from the wheel. 

“Might be. You guys said he wasn’t acting like himself, right?” 

None of them answered. 

A beat passed, then April continued, as if one of them had made a really good point, “Right. So next time, I’ll get as close as I can and check him out.” 

Donnie set down a pair of tweezers hard enough that they rattled. “Next time?” 

She nodded. “Yeah. Next time.” 

“What if there’s not a next time?” 

This was the part where Raph jumped in, angry as a bee in a bull bonnet nest, or whatever the fuck it was. He’d say something about Donnie giving up and then they’d go ‘round and ‘round in circles until one of them got sick. But Raph wasn’t angry. Or, maybe he was, but it’d have to be under the layers of exhaustion dragging him down. He wasn’t sure he had space for anything else, really. 

“But there is. I mean, we’re going to get him back. We have to. He’s your brother.” 

Donnie’s eyes settled on something far, far away. “He’s malnourished. Probably hasn’t eaten solid food since the Invasion. Dehydrated too, with all the crying. There were injuries that were just barely healed past the point of getting infected. His knee is in such bad shape, I don’t know how he’s standing.” He bit his lip. “No, I do, actually. He’s in tremendous pain, but he’s prioritizing the Shredder’s approval over that. That’s just making the wound worse, though.” 

“That’s – That’s really awful,” April said, “but what’s your point?” 

“The Shredder’s going to end up killing him, is my point.” 

Casey sucked in a breath. His hold on the wheel turned white knuckled. “Fuck.” 

“You don’t know that.” 

Donnie just looked down. “The Shredder’s insane. Past reason by now. Leo’s in a state where he’s willing to do anything for him and Shredder’s at the point where he’ll ask it. There’s going to be a time where Leo just – can’t. Shredder will demand something, and either he’ll die trying, or Shredder will kill him for failure.” He squeezed his eyes shut, looking greener than he should have. “This setup they have, it’s not feasible in the long run. Sooner or later, it’s going to collapse.” 

“Then what do we do about it?” Mikey croaked, speaking for the first time since the lab. 

When they were little, they used to play Simon Says. Donnie was awful at giving directions, too specific for their uncoordinated limbs to follow, while Mikey got distracted and always ended up wandering off. Raph never liked it much. He’d spend his turns in charge annoying the others into quitting the game out of frustration so they could play something else. 

It was only really fun when Leo was Simon. But when he wasn’t, he was usually the first out. At some point, the directions would speed up and get tricky and contradict each other, and he’d end up overwhelmed and crying. As much as Raph liked to tease him for being a robot, Leo really wasn’t meant to take orders. 

Donnie picked up the tweezers again. “I don’t know.” 

Chapter Text

Leonardo, at the end of the day, was unbearably, unending, unforgivably ungrateful. 

Every second of every hour, he was overwhelmed with the sheer force of love available to him. It was abundant and it was powerful, and it just about drowned him when he faltered in keeping his head above water. He couldn’t so much as breathe without being bombarded with constant reminders of Master-loves-me and I-love-Master and be-good-be-good-be-good. 

It wasn’t Master’s fault, of course. He just got carried away with showing his love sometimes. He’d give and give and give, and when Leonardo couldn’t take anymore, he’d crack him open and shove more in. There was always extra space in Leonardo’s brain, after all. That was what Master said, and what Master said was law. 

Once, they’d been passing time in the study, Master scribbling away at his desk and Leonardo criss-cross applesauce at his feet, making shapes with his fingers. Triangle, circle, diamond. Master had set down his pen and told Leonardo, conversationally, that it was him that pulled the moon down every night. That he controlled the tides and the winds, the sun and the sky. It was for him that the very Earth spun. He’d asked Leonardo what he thought of that. Could he believe that? 

Leonardo had been stupid. He’d hesitated, this knee-jerk insistence that what he said was not correct, that it just didn’t make sense. And Master had sensed his doubt a mile away, because a master could peek into their student’s brain like it was a window, and he’d gotten very, very upset. And Leonardo had gotten very, very scared. And then he’d been dragged to the nothing room, kicking and screaming up a storm, shrieking that he believed him, he believed him, he promised. 

When Master had let him out, he’d knocked into him so hard that they’d both crashed into the ground, and Leonardo had thanked him fervently for the air he breathed and the gravity holding him down and the stars, the stars, thank you, thank you, I love you. He’d wormed as close as close could be, feeling out the heartbeat he could map out in his sleep. 

If Master said that black was white, Leonardo would swear that it was true, because he’d learned at a young age that lies only led to punishment, while the truth kept him as safe as possible. 

Case in point, dinner time. This three-quarter-hour stretch of time where all of the highest ranking of the Foot’s men would indulge in the finest food Manhattan had to offer, sat around a long, fancy table with Master at the head and Leonardo sat beside him. It was one of the only times he was allowed on the same level as Master, since he was at his feet almost always, but he could never fully appreciate it. The eyes of the others at the meal felt itchy on his skin. 

He’d snatched glimpses of them, here and there. They were all familiar with him, and he with them; Tiger Claw, Rahzar, Fishface, Rocksteady, Bebop, and Stockman. Characters who he knew he’d hated at some point. He’d fought tooth and nail to get the upper hand on them, sparked by some hazy fire in his gut that’d long since been extinguished. 

During the first dinner, his hands had instinctually flown to where his belt should have been. Master had caught them before they could make contact, dragging him close, in front of all the mutants, and warned him to be good. That these were fine men, deserving of Leonardo’s respect. 

And what Master voiced was reality, so Leonardo hadn’t attacked or yelled or – or done much of anything, really. He’d just taken a seat to the left of Master when prompted, never tearing his gaze away from the source of everything he cared about. The conversation flowed over him. It didn’t even occur to him to try picking out pieces of information out of it until after, though it was quickly washed away by the praise he’d received for being so docile. 

So dinner became a regularity. Once, maybe twice a week, the creatures of Leonardo’s nightmares would gather to share tri tip and steamed asparagus. Leonardo never ate, of course. To be fair, he hadn’t tried, but he knew better than to assume that any of the food was for him. It was fine, he didn’t need it. What he got out of the dinners was much better than butter-roasted yams. 

For forty-five minutes, he got to sit with his own thoughts and stare uninhibitedly at his master, and maybe sort of lose himself a bit. The orders stacked high on his shoulders slipped away. The fear simmered to a low heat as he allowed his heart to swell as he studied Master. Every inch of his form, every syllable that slipped from his lips. Leonardo tallied a list of things he found himself loving, knowing that it’d be expected of him at some point or another. 

It was at the end of one of these dinners that a change-up hit. Leonardo’s shoulders had slumped in place, eyes half-lidded as the others’ words faded to a dull haze, when Master had brought his drink up high. The room had quieted, a sudden enough turn that Leonardo had perked up. Maybe Master was going to tell the others that his student was special and perfect and oh-so good, and the two of them were leaving to be together forever and ever.

That was stupid. But Leonardo wanted it anyway, because somewhere along the way, he’d lost track of what exactly was attainable in a world of wishful thinking. 

Master parted his lips and every thought slipped away. “I’d like to make a toast. As you all know, the rat and his nest have returned from their exile. Now, more than ever, I appreciate the efforts of every man present for their dedication to our cause.” 

“Hear, hear,” someone said. There was a soft push-pull rhythm of murmuring agreements.  

“Specifically, I’d like to raise a glass to Stockman. A revolutionary in his field, he’s well on his way to completing the development of weapons enough for us to take back our city in the name of mankind. We’re lucky to have him.” The mutters soured a bit. “And, on a more personal note, I’d like to thank him on behalf of my family. Leonardo and I are eternally grateful to him for bringing my son to his rightful place and teaching him the error of his ways.” 

Master set a hand on his shoulder. He raised an eyebrow, squeezing hard enough that Leonardo knew for a fact his nails were drawing blood. “Thank you, Stockman,” he blurted. The grip loosened but didn’t remove itself. Leonardo smiled. He wanted this. He loved this. He loved his master. 

He stole a glance at the other mutants. In the before, he’d never gotten so close without drawing his blades. There were so many details he’d never noticed; the tattered edge to the bandana looped around Tiger Claw’s throat, how deep Rahzar’s claws dug into the wood of the table as a low growl floated through the air, the quiet purse to Fishface’s lips as his own gaze flickered downwards. 

Stockman’s wings were beating so fast that he nearly took off then and there. The scientist was shrinking into himself under the onslaught of Bebop and Rocksteady’s glares. The two caught themselves after a moment and slipped into something on the wrong side of boredom, but there was no way anyone really believed that they didn’t care. 

“And, of course,” Master continued, eyes bright in the dim candlelight, “I thank him for reuniting me with my daughter.” 

The words snagged. Leonardo felt his muscles tense despite himself, despite the knowledge that Master would know the instant that the stress struck. His daughter – No. It couldn’t be. 

Like clockwork, a pair of slow, winding footsteps came from the door. They rounded the table, snapshotted glimpses peeking out between each tall chair. Leo’s eyes went blurry. Off, it was off. Each shift of weight stood for just a hint too long, as if the instinct had been to glide forward rather than pick up soles only to slam them back down. 

Karai took a seat to the right of her father. All that separated her from Leo was the scrap of wood they called a table. If he really wanted to, he could leap across the divide between the two of them in a single shaky heartbeat. It wouldn’t end well, even he knew that, but he couldn’t help but turn the thought over in his mind. He could, he could, he could. 

Then he noticed that Karai’s eyes were dull when they should have been sharp as a thorn. 

Then he thought, distantly, Oh. She’s wrong too. 

Then he thought, a bit more clearly, She’s like me. 

Then he thought, so quietly he barely perceived it himself, Oh no. 

Master started speaking again. For the first time in however long he’d been alive in this flearidden form, Leo didn’t hear a word he said. He just stared at Karai, at the pale off-white her skin had taken on, at the sudden pointedness every cut of her form had taken on. She’d been mutated, he remembered, but still, she shouldn’t look like this. She shouldn’t be so – hollow. 

“Children,” Master said, louder, like he’d had to repeat it, and Leonardo instinctively turned to him. So did Karai, and Leonardo’s stomach revolted as he realized, fuck, fuck, we’re the children. “Sit up straight and smile. This is a happy moment. You’re happy.” 

Across from him, Karai’s lips stretched into something wide. She bared her teeth and together, he supposed that technically counted as a smile. Her eyes didn’t match, though. Only the bottom half of her face twisted. If Leonardo were to hold a mirror, would he have that same semi-dead expression? 

Master tilted his head her way. “Karai, what are you?” 

“Happy,” she chirped, in a gravely tone typically reserved for someone at a funeral. 

“Leonardo, what are you?” 

He swallowed. Scared. He was so, so scared. “Happy.” 

Master Shredder just squinted. Every beat of Leonardo’s heart was the result of his master squeezing it in his palms. He could burst it in a second, so Leonardo had to spend whatever time he stumbled across reminding him of how grateful he was. But Leonardo forgot sometimes, so he had to be reminded. 

“I don’t believe you.” 

And then he was reaching and Leonardo knew what room he’d be taken to next so he dove across the table, not particularly towards Karai but not away from her either, and smashed plates that weren’t for him and scrambled from someone who just snatched him back by his bad leg and twisted and watched as he screamed and dragged him through rugburns and slammed him into a wall, jamming and shoving as if he was the wrong key for a lock, and slammed a headset over his ears and a bit into his mouth and his wrists to the floor like he was praying and he didn’t remember if there’d ever been a god other than the one making him cry and he cried and he cried and he cried and he cried and he cried.

Master let Leonardo out. He always did, in the end. 

Top of his lungs, in a way that sent his vocal cords colliding against one another, Leonardo screamed that he was happy three hundred and twelve times. He would’ve gone for the three hundred and thirteenth if he hadn’t vomited on the spot and passed out. When he came to, though, he immediately thanked his master for letting him wake up. 

And life went on.

He could’ve sworn that Karai had defected. 

That was what it all came back to, these days. The girl he used to catch lighting matches on rooftops just to flick them to the streets below, and the thing in the chair next to him. He used to shake his head at her. She was going to set something ablaze one of these days, didn’t she know? She just gave him this wicked grin and took out her matchbox again. 

But the creature sliding up to her father was dull. 

She was hollow, barely the breath in her own lungs. It was a stark contrast to Leonardo, and how much much much everything always was for him. Until it was nothing nothing nothing , of course. It wasn’t that Karai had moments where she was purposefully deprived, like him. Rather, she just couldn’t retain much beyond her own existence. 

Things got weird, even for him. There was this soul-wrenching cycle he’d found himself in, where Master would love him, care for him, let him tag along on his heels. Then Leonardo would fuck up and Master would take him to the nothing room for a little while. For a long while, actually, until he was desperate and disgusting, willing to do just about anything if it meant he was good. And he’d do that. Anything, that was. He’d sink so low that up was down and his stomach was bleeding out of his ears, only to inevitably fuck up again before the dust settled. 

But still. Weird. Karai’s newfound presence stuck out terribly. She didn’t rush to follow orders the way Leonardo did, stumbling a beat behind while he’d already made it to his knees, but she wasn’t resisting either. Her vows of devotion were just a smidge too dry. When she was rewarded, she didn’t seem happy. 

Once, Master brought the two of them to his study and just stared at them, eyes raking up and down, devouring every little detail he came across, Leonardo shaking, Karai dead-eyed. He told them that he was so very proud of his children. Leo started crying. Karai stopped breathing until her father reminded her. 

That was the worst part about Karai – She wasn’t scared of Master. Her world didn’t start and stop at his words. When he gave her orders, she’d light up like a toy wound from the back and march off. If Leonardo squinted, he might just see the girl he used to know. But before long, her eyes would dim and she’d hollow once more until she was used again. 

Some time after she’d returned, they all went to a small library together. One that Leonardo hadn’t realized existed, except now he did, and for the rest of his life, he’d always know that it was there. Master Shredder took the only armchair, this velvet behemoth that looked soft to the touch. It was. Leonardo ran his hand across the side a dozen times before he squeezed his eyes tightly and pulled back, because anything that sparked sensation in his skin besides his Master was forbidden. 

I need him, he reminded himself, and resigned himself to the loveseat beside Karai. 

Except Master was looking at him, not in that idle way with a casual grin resting on his lips that suggested he wanted to admire the sight, but this expectant survey that had Leonardo shaking. He was sorry. He loved him. “Are you going to read, Leonardo?” 

He felt his muscles tighten. “Um. Do – Do you want me to?” 

The glare intensified. “I wasn’t aware you felt the need to entertain yourself with anything but my presence.” 

His heart hurt. He could feel nausea deep in his gut, throat dry like he was about to vomit. “No – No, I – ” 

“No?” 

“N – I – Um. I – ” 

Master snapped his fingers, pointing to the carpeted floor at his feet. “Get over here.” 

He rushed to obey. The rug was scratchy against his feet, an annoyance that only intensified as he came to sit next to the armchair. Maybe he should’ve kneeled, but it satisfied something primal in him to bring his knees to his plastron, making himself small and silent. He hugged himself, flinching softly when Master set his hand on his head. The hand didn’t do anything, didn’t stroke like it typically did. It just rested there, like he was a table. Or a brick. 

His eyes burned. 

“Next time you forget yourself, I’ll have you crawl from one end of the stronghold to another. Maybe you’ll lick the boots of every one of my men you come across. You’d like that, wouldn’t you?” He loved him. He loved him. Karai was sitting a few feet away, watching all of this, and he loved him. “You’d do anything for me. I could make you eat with your hands tied behind your back, like a dog, and all you’d say is…” 

Worn couch cushions battling away at one another, warring for the remote. Greasy popcorn stuck underneath his soles. His own laughter, high and reedy. He was swiped on the side, sent crashing down, and someone capitalized on his blunder to hold him down and insist, Say it! Say it! Say you wanna watch Die Hard! 

Leonardo swallowed. “Yes, Master. Thank you, Master.” He locked his gaze with Karai. She was stone-faced. She was allowed on the loveseat, because she was her father’s daughter and he was his master’s pet, and as much as they were called brother-sister, they weren’t equal. “I love you, Master.” 

Master hummed, righteous and right and vicious and Leonardo was so fucking scared of him that he wanted to hug him until the breath escaped his throat in those wheezy gasps he pretended didn’t burn on the way out but they did because Master wasn’t the god he claimed he was but instead he was more and Leonardo loved him and Leonardo wanted him and Leonardo needed him so he’d crawl on all fours and he’d stick his face into slop and he’d fucking bark, bark, quick, Little Leo is stuck in a well and we can’t get him out get him out get him out get him out get him out get him out – 

The screen on Master’s watch flashed. He frowned, taking back his hand to get a better look. Good. Leonardo wasn’t sure if he was about to bite him or butt his head closer. Master swore and stood, taking three quick steps toward the hallway before he stopped to turn halfway towards them. “I’ll be back in a minute. Don’t move, either of you.” 

And then Leonardo was without Master, except he could still see without blinking back explosions. His ears didn’t ring from silence or yowling animals. He was on the floor but he was safe, and Master wasn’t there. For the first time in – in – 

He had no idea how long it’d been. 

He looked at Karai. Her watch hadn’t strayed from the door. Without Master’s presence, he’d almost expected her to blink out of reality. If he really searched, maybe he’d find some sort of wires leading out the base of her skull and into the wall. But now wasn’t the time, since Master had said to keep still. 

Talking was mostly not moving, he decided. 

“What’s it like in your head?” 

Her eyes snapped to him. She was part snake now, he remembered. Barely human in the way he was, except she’d started out that way so maybe that was why she got to sit on the loveseat. Either way, she still had fangs enough to end up here. He wouldn’t fight back if she lunged at him. That would be moving, and he was good even if she didn’t decide to be. 

“Cold. Empty.” She paused, worrying her lip. She’d folded her hands in her lap before Master had left. They had to stay there now. “No, not empty. There’s something in there.” 

“Like what?” 

Her voice was dry, cracking. He only just managed to pick it up. Each syllable pressed for a hint too long, flat affect running through them all. “Dunno. Every time I catch it, it squirms away.” 

“Oh.” Karai had always been so much more mature than him, but he’d never felt so distinctly young as he did right now. Maybe it was all the crying he’d been doing lately. It made him constantly on edge, so damn easy to set off. Like a child, except he didn’t think children were supposed to cower the way he did. “Is it always cold?”  

“No,” she said, and he envied the way the word slipped off her tongue without hesitation. “When he tells me to do something, it gets warm again. The blood in my veins finally runs after being frozen for so long. I remember how to exist.” 

“Do you love him?” 

She didn’t blink. “Until it gets cold again.” 

“Oh.” 

“Do you?” 

He wished he had some sort of caveat to offer up, like she had. She’d always been so much cooler than him. “Always.” 

“Good. You’re safe, then.” 

His face burned. “Am I?” 

Footsteps, out from the wood of the hallway and effortlessly transitioning to carpet. Leonardo’s mouth closed, followed by his eyes. Not a word was spoken as the floorboards creaked. The hand returned to the top of his head as the springs of the armchair squeaked. When he risked a peek, he saw that Master was flipping through an old book. So was Karai, spine impossibly straight as she spent too long on each page. 

There’d never been a sight more beautiful than that of Master’s smile. It wasn’t the hungry grin that enveloped him when Leonardo contorted himself to be especially pathetic for him, and it wasn’t the smirk that spoke of punishments and begging and all that made his head go white. Instead, this was something warm and satisfied. It was gentle touches and easy praises, love on love on love. 

Lounging in a soft chair, Master tapped his thigh. Obediently, Leonardo rested his chin on it. The angle made it so that his entire field of vision was consumed by the other man. It was the most enchanting thing he’d ever seen. Just the eyeful alone had him trilling softly, a high-low note he couldn’t remember picking up. 

Master reached for something on the side table. Leonardo tensed, worried it was a muzzle or the headphones, but Master murmured, “Relax. I would never hurt my son,” so he let his muscles become jelly. It was simpler than it should’ve been. Three days without sleep would do that, he supposed. Stockman had stood over him with a sharp stick that crackled as it made contact with his skin, driving it into his ribs whenever his eyes slipped shut until Master came for him. 

When the hand returned, it was holding a grape. Purple. “Open,” Master said, and Leonardo did. “Eat,” Master said, and Leonardo's lips were brushing his fingers as he chewed. “Good. Oh, what a good boy! So obedient, so loving.” 

Leonardo smiled. He didn’t have any way of proving this, but he thought that the tilt to his teeth would be gummy and sweet. Dulled fangs. Unconditional devotion. Love that beat even as his heart stuttered to a stop. 

“Purr for me,” Master said, and Leonardo did. A rush of endorphins followed it. His knees wobbled, his weight transferring to Master’s leg as he sunk deeper. Fingers brushed his brow and slowly guided his face until he was completely burying it into the silky material. For the life of him, he couldn’t feel his own hands past the fuzz that lingered at any point that wasn’t connected to his master. 

“That’s it. You’re just a little animal, aren’t you? A beast completely in love with me. All I have to do is tell you how good and perfect you are.” Leonardo whined, a pleased warble. He lived for this praise. He needed this praise. “There it is. I’m right. I’m always right. You always wanted this, even when I had to force it down your throat.” 

Nothing existed besides the words flowing from Master’s lips. He couldn’t see anything, couldn’t tell if he’d fallen asleep into the best dream imaginable. He was content to float until he was brought back. Every thought escaped him as soon as he had it, leaving him swaying as he submerged deeper. Fuck, he loved Master. 

“Open,” Master said, and he did. A strawberry was stuck in his mouth. “Eat it. The whole thing.” It wasn’t as sweet as the grape had been, but he chewed it without hesitation. When he got it down, Master ran his nails down his shell in short scritching motions that had his chest rumbling. “So good, so obedient. You love me so much. You want to make me happy more than anything else. You’re amazing. You know that I’m better than human. You know that I’m the most important being in the universe. You’re perfect.” 

The fruit was the first thing he’d eaten since before he slept, he dully realized. Stockman had him choke down a multivitamin every so often, and he woke up in the nothing room with tubes jabbed into his skin more times than not, but that wasn’t food. That wasn’t divine like this. Like Master. 

“Can you hear me?” 

Leonardo hummed, even as the entirety of his being rested against his master. He was so exhausted. Master made him feel so safe. He was so lucky, so happy, so perfect, so good. He’d do anything for this. 

“Ah. Come in, then.” 

“Ma – zzz – ter Shredder! I zzz – eee reinforcement went well.” 

“I’ll never understand how you know what will get him eating out of the palm of my hand – literally. Regardless, good work.” 

“Thank you. Zzz – leep deprivation pushe – zzz him to the brink very quickly, I’ve found. You know, he may be my life – zzz work.” 

“Indeed.” There was a pause that dragged on long enough that Leonardo forgot that a conversation was happening. He breathed and he loved and he pretended it was the same thing. “He truly loves me, doesn’t he?” 

“...In every way he can, Ma – zzz – ter Shredder.”

Once, and only once, Master left the dinner table but Leonardo stayed there. 

It was confusing, even from the very beginning. The fork was set down next to the steak knife on that empty plate, a remarkable recent update. For a long stretch of time, only soups and sometimes salads were served at supper. The others were afraid Leonardo would go for the utensils, apparently. 

The Foot Soldiers took away all the dishes and then Master rose, same as always. When Leonardo rushed to follow, he held up a palm and Leonardo instantly stilled. None of the mutants at the table blinked twice. In fact, Rocksteady might have even leaned in, an eager grin tearing across his fuckugly mug. 

Distantly, Leonardo had the wherewithal to be thankful that Karai was on mission. 

“We’re going to play a game, kappa,” Master said. He picked up Leonardo’s chin and brought it up just a hint, adjustment for the sake of adjustment. “You’re going to show me how obedient you can be. You are obedient, aren’t you?” 

He nodded, though he wasn’t sure if the movement was his own or a product of Master tilting his head up-down, up-down. 

“Good. Smile for me, will you?” He bared his teeth and hoped it was excitement making him tremble. “There we go. Now, a good kappa listens, doesn’t he? That’s what he loves doing more than anything else?” 

Another nod. 

“Exactly. That is why I’m going to leave and you are going to follow every direction you’re given until I come back.” 

He froze. 

The side of his face was absently patted. Footsteps trailing away. A vague string of praises tossed over a shoulder as he was left alone alone – not alone. Not alone because he was surrounded by a horde of not-Masters only in name. People who owned every breath that wormed its way out of his lips. 

Even before the first order, he was heaving. His already frantic heartbeat tried its damned best to explode out of his chest, gunpowder and grit compressed into a bomb for the ages. A thin whine leaked out even as he held himself, rocking back and forth as if he was in the nothing room again, just waiting for Master to come back so he could prove he was good, he was so good, he promised. 

“Fuck, he’s pathetic. Hey, brat, eat this!” 

Something round and tough was pushed into his hands. He didn’t so much as consider disobedience before he brought it forward and took a huge bite out of it. It crunched underneath his teeth, leaving behind a sharp sting on his tongue that had him gagging. When he blinked fast, he realized it was an entire raw onion that he’d gotten a mouthful of. 

“Did I say take a bite? Eat the whole thing!” 

He was cramming it into his mouth before he had time to breathe. It caught in his throat and made him choke, even as he pushed more in. Weren’t these things supposed to have their skins peeled off? Did they have a core? He’d never done more with them than thrown a handful of diced pieces into a pot on the stove. 

Irrationally, he remembered that he hated onions. 

“Control your sadistic streak, Bradford. He’s just about to pass out.” 

“Bah, you’re fun at all. Here, this’ll calm him down. Drink everything in here, kid.” 

It was foul-smelling, and the taste was no different. The liquid burned as it slid down his throat. He pulled back at the first twist of his stomach, but someone pressed the bottle to his lips and refused to take it back. The choice was to chug or choke, and obedience won out in the end. His head spun as one bottle was replaced by another, then another, until he was a giggling mess half-draped in someone’s lap. 

“Ugh, get him off! I didn’t sign up to be a babysitter!” He was shoved to the floor. His laughs vanished as he landed hard. Someone toed him over, flipping him so that he was plastron-down. 

From there, it got all – spinny, he guessed was the best word to describe it. His sight went blurry as words rushed in his ears, hands pawing at his skin even though only Master was supposed to touch him. Master, Master, he wanted his master, not these men who didn’t praise him, not once, not even as he did things that – 

“Crawl over here, idiot. Get lower to the ground! Not over here, over here! You know what, ju – zzz – t do another lap.” 

Things that – 

“I gotta admit, Master Shredder mentioned making you eat like a dog and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since. Go on. I know you wanna.” 

Things that – 

“ Nyet, I don’t care is hot! I said hold it!” 

Things that – 

“Don’t you dare! You’re not allowed yet. Keep holding your breath!” 

Things that – 

“Drink more. I know, I know. I’m sorry. But this will dull the pain. Keep drinking.” 

Things that – 

“Tighten your grip, little cub, until the blade tastes blood. Then squeeze harder. I want your brothers to know I’ve access to you whenever I desire.” 

Things that he would never, never live down. Even in a hundred thousand years, when New York was rubble and the ocean had evaporated into the sky, he’d keel over and die if anyone brought up the crawling or the begging or the crying or the licking. He’d never been so happy that Karai was out. If he did all of that in front of her – Shell, if she’d been part of it, he didn’t think he’d ever be able to look her in the eye again. 

It ended eventually. Master came back, slowly stepping into the dining hall in a casual move. Leonardo straightened like he’d been electrocuted. He shoved himself out of whoever’s arms had been wrapped around him as they tilted soy sauce into his gullet, tearing across the room and diving to his knees in front of his master. He knew he wasn’t supposed to initiate contact, he knew, but he couldn’t help reaching out to grab Master’s hands in his own, clutching them like lifelines. 

There weren’t words coming out. He was too well-trained to speak without being spoken to. Instead, lilting hums melded with growls filled the room. He shook his head left-right-left-right in an attempt to dislodge the gunk in his throat. When that didn’t work, he pressed his lips against Master’s palms, holding them so delicately, so close. 

Master laughed. It sounded like bells. “Aww, did someone miss me?” 

YES. 

He wasn’t totally sure what his reaction was, but it had the other mutants staring down at him in wide-eyed shock as Master smiled wider. He went dizzy, only held up by Master’s grace. “How fortunate. I worried that you’d like your temporary masters more than me.” He stilled. “Did you? Be honest, now. If you so like, I’m sure I could have you in Tiger Claw’s quarters before nightfall.” 

“You, you, I love you. I need you.” He was yanking Master’s hands to his chest now. The angle sent Master hunching over a bit. “Please, I’m yours. I wanna be, need to be yours. Body and soul and heart and mind and anything you want, ‘s yours, ‘s all yours. Please, please, do anything, just keep me. Own me. Take me, hurt me, love me I love you. I love you. I don’t care, just have me. I’m yours.” 

Master’s eyes were bright as he leaned forward. Leonardo wanted to hold him tight and never ever let go. “You don’t want a new master?” 

No, wasn’t a word allowed to fall from his lips. That was reserved for people, the way that loveseats were. Leonardo was made for yes and more and please. So he dropped his jaw and shrieked, raw and animalistic, because that was exactly what he was. A beast pretending it was more when all it wanted was to be owned. 

“You’re mine. You’ve always been mine.” Master ran his fingers along the side of Leonardo’s head. He butted against the hand, conveying in any way how that he loved him, he wanted him, he needed him. “Men, you can leave now. Dinner is completed.” He sunk his nails deep, leaving welts behind. “My kappa wants to prove he deserves to be owned.” 

And Leonardo loved him for that.

A long while later, Leonardo kneeled in the dojo as Master sparred. Fuck, he was glorious. He demolished his soldiers like they were nothing, armed with only a small blade that he eventually tossed away to even the odds. Leonardo watched intently, knowing that sometimes he was given quizzes afterwards. How many strikes did Master’s left foot land or which weapon did he use to accomplish this move. 

His hands were cold. A product of the cargo he was carrying, most likely. Part of him was terrified that he’d drop it and end up denting it on the floor, like a cracked phone, so he held on so tight that the sharper edges dug into his skin. When Master was done, he’d hand it over and Master would tell him how good he’d been and they’d both smile, loving and in love. 

About halfway through his spar, Leonardo noticed Karai lurking at the door frame. Her stick-strict posture was slouched, fingers tapping at her sides as her head swung back and forth to catch the blows her father was dealing. When she tilted toward him, Leonardo’s heart just about dropped to his feet. 

Her eyes were alive. 

Whatever he was going to do with this information came to a standstill when Master paused the bots. Leonardo straightened, at attention, only for Master to nod to his daughter. She took a few steps into the dojo, offering a short bow. Wrong. That was wrong. These days, Karai walked mechanically with strictly essential movements. 

“Daughter. How did your mission fare? You devised that – trap, didn’t you?” 

Karai looked up at him. Her face remained smooth, but Leonardo suspected that to be an intentional choice. The typical hollowness in her very soul just couldn’t be replicated without coming off as inauthentic. “Fine. It initially worked perfectly, before the turtles and their humans exploited flaws in Stockman’s designs.” 

“So you’ve no progress to show for your efforts?” 

Her jaw twitched. “Correct.” 

“Hm. If that’s all, you can retire early to the dining hall. Dinner will be served shortly.” 

Master moved to turn back to the matts. Just as he snatched a bō from a Foot Bot, Karai stole a breath and added, “If I may, Stockman’s been running his mouth again.” 

He stilled. “How so?” 

“Bradford challenged him on how much control he has over Leonardo.” She glanced over to him for a split second. He was glad Master had his back to her, even if he wasn’t sure why. “I heard him planning to implant conditioned reactions solely for his own sake.” Master turned back toward her just as her expression slid into something shallow and flat and fake. She was trying too hard. “Something about a worm?” 

Master’s face twisted. He flung the staff onto the floor. The sound it made when it clattered had Leonardo wincing. Master strode toward Leonardo, every step sending him flinching harder, because he was angry and that never ever ended well, but he just stopped a few inches away to stick out his hand. 

Flushing, he handed him the Kuro Kabuto. 

It went on without hesitation. Then Master was yanking out one of the knives from the chest cavity of a Foot Bot. It was gripped blade-down in his hand, white-knuckled. Master marched out of the dojo, tossing over his shoulder, “Neither of you move until I return.” 

Heart sinking as the sight of his master shrunk, Leonardo settled himself for a long stretch of waiting. Karai, though, apparently planned to do no such thing. She made a beeline for him, dropping down to her knees in front of him. She was just about his height when she did that. If he squinted, the image of her nearing him superimposed itself over Master doing the same. They walked so similar to each other. 

“Leo,” she said sharply, before pausing to take a breath. She uncurled her balled fists, resting them atop her thighs for only a moment before bringing them up to take Leo’s own hands. “Hi, Leo.” 

He blinked. She hadn’t reacted to him since the day in the library, and even then, he hadn’t been certain how aware she was of who she was talking to. “Um. Hi.” 

“Do you know where you are?” 

He risked a peek around. “The dojo.” 

“Whose dojo?” she pressed, as if there was anywhere else he would be in the world. 

“Master’s.” Master’s study, Master’s throne room, Master’s courtyard. It was all the same in all the ways that mattered. 

She squeezed her eyes shut. Hard. Then she wrenched them open. “He’s not here. You don’t have to call him that.” 

“What else would I call him?” 

Her nails dug into his skin. He would’ve pulled back if he wasn’t so starved for any scrap of humanity. Shit, he wanted Master. “Fuckface. Shredhead. Dickwad.” 

“Don’t say that!” He ripped his hands away. When she reached for him again, he jerked back, only to grit his teeth as he realized that he’d moved. Damnit. Master would sense the disobedience on him in a heartbeat once he came back. A chill went up his spine just as the thought of the impending punishment. 

“I’ll say whatever I want, because he can’t tell me what to do. Nobody can.” Karai spoke each word slowly, as if she was tasting them on her lips as they came into being. He understood that. There were some aspects of his vocabulary that he longed to reunite with, even if he knew for a fact that they simply weren’t meant for him. “And he can’t tell you what to do either.” 

“Yes, he can,” he blurted, because of fucking course he could. “I’ll do anything for him. He loves me and I love him. That’s how it works. He tells me what to do and I do it and he makes the nothing go away as long as I’m good so I’m good.” His palms were shaking. He wanted his master. “Why wouldn’t you want me to be good?” 

“Because good isn’t how well you follow orders, it’s –  It’s – It’s giving people a chance even when they don’t deserve it. It’s those stupid one-liners from your even stupider show. It’s the choices you make and you stick with, not whatever crap he’s crammed down your throat.” 

Leonardo hadn’t made a choice in months. None that mattered, really. His world had dwindled to being tugged one way or another, strung by his wrists and his throat and the tendons of his eyes. Sometimes he’d have two possibilities laid in front of him, but he knew that whichever came to being, it wasn’t up to him. 

And he liked it that way. He liked the fuzzy sensation that crept up his limbs like syrup when Master held him close. He liked the clear-cut rules and regulations. It was always so obvious when he failed and even more obvious what he had to do to make up for it. He liked floating above it all, so detached from anything corporal that he didn’t have to worry about what might be. He could just sit and wait. It wasn’t up to him. 

His bones were sculpted for obedience. That was why his first instinct was always to kneel, Master said. Not because he’d been tied in that position for two weeks straight. His tongue was formed to keep him silent, regardless of the scorching herbs Stockman used to force him to chew until his mouth was red and raw. His brain’s very core was designed to bring him unimaginable contentment at Master’s contact. When his days in the nothing room were finished, the feeling of Master’s skin against his was always enough to make up for the time he’d spent wishing he was dead. 

He was made for this. Master said so. 

“Go back to where Master left you,” he hissed. Karai’s eyes flashed. Without him noticing, she’d done her makeup the cleanest today than she’d done in months. The wings were sharp enough to cut, her concealer blended to perfection. “You’re going to get us both in trouble.” 

Her mouth quirked, like she’d tasted something rotten. “Shit, his bullshit’s up so far in your head that you can’t even smell it, huh?” 

“Master smells great,” he said, not entirely sure what she meant. 

She rolled her eyes. “He’s been using the same cologne since pre-Y2K. It’s ass.” Then she climbed to her feet, already dragging him up by the shoulder. He shrugged out of her hold but she just doubled down. “Alright, I’m done babying you. Get up. That’s an order.” 

He didn’t say no, but he didn’t obey either. He just let his dead weight be tugged one way or another, ultimately heaving itself back down. The lack of commitment either way made his skin crawl. “I don’t do what you tell me to do.” I don’t love you. 

There was only room enough in his heart for him to love one person. Maybe, once upon a time, a million and billion years ago, it’d had a more space-efficient layout, but that wasn’t the case anymore. Every square inch was devoted to the most amazing, breathtakingly captivating lifeform in all of existence. 

A bit bizarrely, he thought of the time that Master made him run though the alphabet twelve times in search of descriptors for him, slapping him hard every time he fumbled. X had nearly been enough to lose him a tooth. His gut churned. 

Karai gave an especially harsh yank. Her nostrils flared. “Maybe not. But if you don’t, I’ll – I’ll tell my dad that you were being disobedient.” 

His throat went dry. “No!” Impulse had him scrambling to his feet, only to pause when reality caught up with him. Shit, shit, he wasn’t supposed to say that. “You’re – That doesn’t make any sense! I can’t disregard orders to follow orders.” Karai took advantage of his half-raised posture to pull him up the rest of the way. His knees knocked together as he stood. “Karai, I can’t – ” 

“You can and you just did.” She was right. He was standing. He’d gotten up, even though Master had said not to, even though she was definitely going to get hauled to the nothing room for this. Fuck. Fuck! He dove for the ground again but Karai grabbed him by his midsection and started inching the two of them closer to the door. “Ugh, stop struggling! It’s fine, you’re fine. You already broke one rule, what’s one more? What are you going to say to that?” 

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry, sorry. I didn’t – I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to.” Desperately, nonsensically, he added, “I love you.” 

Her expression shut down. Her fingers loosened until he was slipping through them, crashing down at the floor. He landed in a kneel. If nothing else, he had worship intertwined with his veins. His heart was beating out of his chest. Sometimes, he thought that it’d been attempting escape for months now. Vile, mutinous thing. 

Karai pinned her shoulders back. She ran a hand through her hair, leaving it spiky and in disarray. He’d never noticed it before, but her lips were so chapped. Bits of skin flaked off, just like the scales that peaked out from underneath her armor. She was so human that it baked his skin with jealousy sometimes. 

“No,” she said. “You don’t.” 

I do, he thought. I think I do, at least, and that’s been enough for everyone else. 

“I’ve seen him strike you hard enough to bruise,” she said quietly. He wasn’t entirely sure that she was talking to him. “He’s called you horrible, horrible things, left you crying, even starved you. Yet you still jump when he gives the say-so.” Karai shook her head. “He pushes you away so you’ll be the one crawling back to him, you know. You have to know that, even if you’re not all here. You can leave.” 

“Why haven’t you?” 

The question was a betrayal against every lesson that’d been burned into his flesh. He couldn’t pretend that it was idle complacency that had him asking it, echoing back phrases as if he was a person. This was active pursuit of knowledge he was not supposed to ask. There was a reason he didn’t get to read in the library. 

Karai rubbed the back of her neck, eyes far off. “Because by the time I realized I could, he’d found another way to chain me here. Fucking Stockman. Even as they shoved that goddamn worm into my skull, the last thing I thought was that I was booking it out of here as soon as I could think clearly again.” 

“But you’re still here.” 

She looked back at him. She looked back at him, he realized, like she was seeing another human and not just obedient bones. “Yeah,” she said, laughing tiredly. “I guess I lied. Because there’s no way in hell I’m leaving you here with him.” 

“I need him.” 

“You don’t.” 

“I love him.” 

“You shouldn’t.” 

His eyes burned. “But I do.” 

“He does,” Master agreed. 

A lot happened then. Leonardo’s brain had slowed considerably these days, something that had been a long time coming. Even he was shocked that in the blink of an eye, Karai had twisted and stepped in front of him, blade in hand as her other arm curled around him. Master was standing in the doorway, every one of his weapons in their sheaths. His arms were crossed. All he did was sigh and shake his head at the two of them, and Leonardo’s gut turned so hard that the only reason he didn’t fall to his knees was because of Karai’s ironclad grip on his wrist. 

“Get away from us,” Karai snarled. 

“You should be reasonable,” Master warned. Leonardo felt himself nod. Yeah, yes. She should be reasonable. Obviously, Master knew better. Karai just needed to get on the same page as the rest of them. “The environment alone garners you outnumbered a thousand to one. Not to mention that even if you do attempt escape, your cargo will fight you at every turn. Won’t you, Leonardo?” 

“Don’t talk to him!” 

“Yes, Master,” he promised. “I love you.” 

“I’m sure you do. Now, be a good boy and stop breathing.” 

Distantly, Leonardo wished that he’d tracked the interaction enough to see where it was going and take a deep breath before he snapped his mouth shut. But if that was to be, then Master would’ve made it as such, so he was sure he was doing the right thing as he forced his lungs to a stop. 

The pressure in his chest was immediate. Probably an effect of the borderline-hyperventilation he’d been caught in the midst of. It made his eyes water, even as he reminded himself that as a turtle, his limits in holding his breath were far beyond a human’s. That didn’t stop Karai from turning, wide-eyed, and frantically skimming her palms across his face. 

“Leo? Leo, fucking stop it. Don’t listen to him!” She whirled back to Master, gesturing wildly with her knife. “Take it back. Make him breathe!” 

“And here I thought you didn’t approve of my connection with him,” Master said mildly, then said absolutely nothing else. 

“You – Fuck you,” she growled, then brought her own blade close enough to her throat that Leonardo could see a drop of red running down the handle. That was about all he could see, though. His vision was getting too blurry to really make out anything. “Take it back or you’re down an heir.” 

“Stockman would bring you back,” Master said, then he laughed at the bewildered expression from Karai, all downturned brows and dropped jaw. “What? Don’t tell me that you thought you were allowed to die without my permission.” 

“I – You – ” 

“Leonardo, you’re doing so well,” he said absently. One hand was brought up as he yawned. “Good boy.” 

Leonardo’s head swam. He wasn’t all that sure if it was from the praise or the oxygen deprivation, though to be fair, he didn’t really care which. He was greedy, after all, and he’d take anything he could get his grubby paws on. 

“He’s not a dog!” 

“Are you sure about that? Stockman estimates his vocabulary has halved in the time that he’s been here. Smart bets are on him losing his speech completely by the new year.” 

“Shut the fuck up.” It came out tinny and terrified, before returning harsher, “Shut the fuck up!” 

“Maybe you should. Contrary to what you may think, I didn’t enjoy having you dull and dumb. I’d much prefer keeping you cognizant. However, for that to happen, you must prove trustworthy.” He nodded to the floor. “Kneel and we’ll discuss compromises.” 

“You’re fucking crazy.” 

He just frowned. “Kneel.” 

Karai bared her teeth like an animal. The thought wedged its way to the forefront of Leonardo’s mind. She was five-foot-six, littered in cracked skulls underneath bent armor, hair sticking out in all directions even as her makeup remained impeccably neat, told to kneel, and she was the human. She was the person. 

And her father was treating her like a beast. 

“Never again,” she growled, and whipped around – 

And smacked Leonardo in the solar plexus. 

He went down in a bundle of jitters. Whatever air was left in his lungs shot out. It wasn’t a voluntary choice to wheeze in and out, in and out as he clawed at his throat. He coughed into the carpet, tears leaving the fibers damp. A whine squeezed out. By the time he was able to regain control over himself, the inadvertently disobeyed order was the least of his worries. 

In his break from tracking the conversation, Karai must have thrown herself at Master. Swift on her feet, she bobbed through her father’s flying limbs, making quick work with her small knife. She’d just landed an impressive spin kick in a gap of his armor when her leg was grabbed on its way back down to the ground, yanked forward hard enough that she slammed into the ground. 

Master seized her by the throat, lifting her high only to fling her back toward the floor the second she had enough wherewithal to kick out her legs. She cried out when her skull crashed against the floorboards. Something solid cracked. She hadn’t even opened her eyes before Master was dragging her back up by her spindly wrists. 

Chest pounding, gasps just making it through his teeth, Leonardo came to the abrupt realization that Karai was never going to kneel. For as long as she could, she’d fight her father. Even if it was against her best interests, even if it spelled her doom, she wasn’t going to give up. She was just that stubborn. 

But Master never took no for an answer. 

He was going to kill her. The breaths in his throat cut out. He was going to kill her. Maybe deliberately, maybe without realizing it. The intent didn’t matter. In the end, he was going to push and push. Animals like Leonardo learned. They adapted to crawl back, tail tucked between their legs, but Karai was too human for that. She didn’t know how to bare her neck and give in, and it was going to kill her. 

“STOCKMAN!” Master was bellowing. He’d pinned Karai to the carpet. She was all flailing limbs, shrieking like she was being tortured. Master brought back his palm and thumped her right in the forehead. She wailed and sunk her teeth into his hand, struggling until the bitter end. “GET ME ANOTHER GODDAMN WORM!” 

Leonardo watched it all. He watched a father beat his daughter as she sobbed and did her best to beat him back, violence begetting violence. She struck back against an unkillable monster, and Leonardo thought about the times he’d been stuck in senseless limbo and hurled from one end of oblivion to the other, and Leonardo’s head spun, and Leonardo felt himself struggle to his feet, and Leonardo – 

And Leonardo – 

And Leonardo – 

And Leonardo was running. 

Tearing down the hall, wind in his face, crashing against one wall and another as he made messy turns. He was clueless as to the layout of the base. For all he knew, he was diving deeper into the belly of the beast, but he had to keep sprinting, even as his heaving pants threatened to tighten the noose past the point of return. 

Any Foot Bot he passed ignored him. They poured through the hallways opposite from him, to the dojo, where he could hear Karai screeching even from here. Extra manpower from steel skeletons. Nobody even considered that he was – he was – 

What was he doing? 

He was climbing the stairwell, two steps at a time, railing rusty under his fingernails. He was jamming his shoulder against the door to the rooftop once, twice, five times over until it flew open. He was squinting against the rising sun as it chased away the nighttime, holding back the urge to sob because he’d just barely missed the stars. He was making a single flying, desperate leap onto the roof of a nearby apartment building, sliding down the fire escape until his feet met concrete. 

Then he was running. More running. Legs pumping, hands a blur at his sides. The city was slowly coming alive and he didn’t care because he had to get someone, anyone. Rahzar would never speak out against Master even if it was his own life at risk, much less Karai’s. After the stunt Karai pulled, Stockman had no reason to stick out his neck for her. Even Fishface, for all the confusingly kind acts of mercy he doled out, wouldn’t rock the boat. There was no one else. 

Tears burned his eyes. They warped his vision. He tried to read the street signs but the letters swam before him, so he swung lefts and rights with the wind. The only time he faltered was when his toes caught against an uneven bit of sidewalk and he went sprawling to the ground. Even then, he didn’t wait to stop rolling before he picked himself up and kept going. 

Cars honked as he passed. He didn’t pay them any mind. The buildings seemed to stretch impossibly tall in the dim sunlight. He flinched away from them, so focused on steering clear of their shadows that he didn’t stop at the crosswalk. Red palm in the sky, he ignored the lesson every child was taught, gaze firmly in front of him as he dashed into the road – 

A horn blared, its owner speeding across the intersection so close to Leonardo that he made eye contact with the driver. He lurched, only held back by the pair of hands scrabbling at his shell. They yanked him back in one strong motion. He hit the concrete hard, scraping his elbows on the way down. 

Face as red as her hair, April wiped at her mouth. Her hands were on her knees, spine slouched as if she’d just run a marathon. She’d managed to stay on her feet, unlike Casey, who was sprawled spread eagle on the dirty New York sidewalk. The both of them heaved out pants in such a united manner that Leonardo found himself copying the rhythm. 

“Leo,” she breathed, one hand outstretched. He jerked back. Only Master was allowed to touch him. “You’re okay.” 

“Is he?” Casey muttered. He sat up and rubbed his head. Already, a dark splotch was forming. “Fuck, dude. That was stupid, but also metal as fuck, busting outta some fuckass base and running straight into oncoming traffic. Sick as hell.” 

“I’m sorry.” He felt himself backing up, back toward the street. April reached for him, only to back up as that steered him further toward traffic. “Um. I – I need – I, um – ” 

By a nearby bodega, a little kid on a scooter hit a dip and went flying. Their ankle made a nauseating crunch sound when they collided with the ground. Immediately, their eyes welled up with tears. They threw their head back and shrieked, screaming, crying, metal on metal as explosion fired directly in his ear drums, begging for release as blood poured, the awful sound of a final breath intermittent with desperate gurgling – 

“ – okay, I promise. It’s alright, everything is fine,” April was saying. One of her fingers stroked his thumb. Wait, what? He blinked again, only for the sight to be confirmed. His hands were holding hers, grasping them tight enough that he couldn’t even shake his own grip. “It’s loud, I know, but my apartment is much quieter. Why don’t we go there? It’s quiet, I promise.” 

He whined, high and warbling. Casey pulled a face at the sound, nose wrinkling. Leonardo felt his shoulders hike up at that. Nothing made sense. This wasn’t right, this wasn’t what he needed. Master, he wanted Master, but Master was killing Karai and he had no idea if the body had gotten cold yet. 

“I’m sorry,” he tried. “I – Whatever you want, just – Please, I – I need, um. I need – help. Please.” I love you. Did he? He couldn’t remember. 

“We can get help.” Her voice was soft and light, the way she spoke to Ice Cream Kitty. That made sense, he supposed. Both of them were animals. Though Icky at least had her own room, one that didn’t make her cry at the thought of it, so maybe she’d beaten him on that front. “Let’s go back to my apartment, alright? It’s safe and quiet.” 

He gave her hands a squeeze. It was probably too strong, capable of sending her fragile bones splintering, the way that Karai’s must have, but she just smiled and squeezed it back. Not too hard. It didn’t hurt. 

“Okay,” he heard himself away. “Safe. Quiet – I like quiet. Please. Um. Yes. Thank you.”

The apartment smelled bad. Cleaning solution, overly sharp lemon barely hiding the bleach underneath. April’s aunt, if he remembered right, was some sort of corporate bigwig with half a dozen properties across the city. They paid for someone to tidy up every so often, which was stupid, since the place was empty more nights than not. It worked out fine for them in hindsight, no steady adult capable of worrying when April skipped too many days of school, but still. Bad. 

And cold. He felt himself shivering as he hovered beside the fireplace. The log sitting at the base was cracked and ashy. Part of him wanted to turn the handle and bring the old thing sputtering to life, but he kept his arms curled around himself. He was good. He promised. 

April had dipped out a couple minutes ago. She didn’t say why, just shut the kitchen door after turning up the windowsill radio. The song playing was some sort of repetitive pop hit, all auto tuned vocals and digitized instruments. He found himself humming along, tapping along to the rhythm. Once, the nothing room was filled with the sound of the same three-minute-seventeen-second song on loop forever and ever. He’d counted fifty-six repeats before he lost it for a bit and had to restart. 

Feet tucked underneath him, curled on the couch, Casey shifted awkwardly. “You like this song?” 

Leonardo stared. “Do you?” 

“Not really my thing.” 

“Mine neither.” He thought the base had a good melody with the trumpets, but only sort of. Not enough to test his tongue. 

Casey glanced toward the kitchen door before turning back. “Do you – Are you hungry?” 

He shrugged. Didn’t much matter. It wasn’t like he could eat anything either way. 

“We still got some El Pollo Loco from yesterday. BRC’s yours if you want it.” 

He didn’t. He just shrugged again. 

“Cool, great. Super informative, thanks for that.” Casey let out a breath, whistling softly at the release. He stretched back until he was looking at the ceiling. “How you holding up? All your brains in one place?” 

No, he thought, though he didn’t dare voice it. Nine tenths of his brain had been left at the base. He had to get back soon, so that the punishment was only uncomfortable and not completely unbearable. Master said that the further he strayed, the harder he had to be yanked back. He’d probably been speaking metaphorically, though it stood literally now. “I’m fine.” 

“If I had a nickel,” Casey murmured. He yawned, barely slapping his palm over his gaping mouth. “To be fair, you’re way more chill right now than I thought you’d be. From what the others said, you were capitol-F Freaked last time they saw you.” 

Oh. Yeah. He’d sort of forgotten that they’d come back. After they’d turned tail, Master had given him a special reward for proving his loyalty in such a pivotal moment. He’d had his sight and hearing taken away, not replaced by something awful, just distinctly nothing in place of something. Then Stockman had shoved him into a freezer. When he’d finally been allowed to come out, Master had been there with warm rags and hot cocoa. The headset had stayed on, but the feeling of Master gently coaxing his love with oven-baked treats had been downright divine. 

To tell the truth, he wasn’t all that sure of what had happened when his brothers had been in the lab. It was fuzzy at best. 

His pulse picked up a bit. This time, it was him stealing a glimpse of the kitchen. He didn’t think he was nearly as subtle about it, though. He missed Master. Without someone else’s hands wrapped around his wrists, he couldn’t remember how he operated. He was like those wind-up toys with missing manuals. 

“Woah, calm down, bud.” Casey had leaned forward, hands resting on his knees. His brows knitted together as he worried his lip. “Didn’t mean to jinx you there.” 

“Where’s April? I need – I need help. I was supposed to get help.” 

“Help with what?” 

“I – ” Leonardo cut himself off with a growl that melted into a whine halfway through. He clutched his head in his hands, teeth grinding together. Then his skin flashed cold as he took stock of the ungrateful, traitorous words pouring from his maw. “Sorry. I’m – Fuck, sorry.” 

“You’re good, dude. I’m just kind of worried about your heart, is all. You seem like you’re about two seconds away from keeling over.” 

“I’m sorry.” 

“I’m – not mad. Are you sure you’re alright?” 

He stole one step forward, then another, before he was crossing the living room in blur. His hands scrambled against the doorknob as he struggled to hook his clumsy fingers around the latch. “April? Are you – sorry, I shouldn’t – Um, are you done? I need – I need help, um. Please.” 

The door whipped open, swinging away from him even as he tried to tug it forward. On the other side of the threshold, Mikey’s eyes lit up. An eager squeal hit the air, forceful and strong. In an instant, Leonardo wasn’t standing in a too-nice, too-new apartment. He was eleven, he was fourteen, he was five and his little brother wanted a hug – 

Mikey dove forward, wrapping his arms around Leonardo’s before he’d even come to a stop, elbows digging in, chest rumbling as he rocked them both back-forth, front-back. 

– And there was nothing in the world Leonardo wanted more than to claw it off with the sharp ends of his teeth. 

“Nng!” 

Shoving him away was instinct. It was impersonal and strictly efficient, a one-note security system that stuttered to get its own job done. What was a bit more niche was sweeping forward to gnash his teeth at the foreign entity, just like he’d been taught, because if anyone besides Master tried to touch him, then who was to say they’d stop there? Maybe they’d like Leonardo so much that they’d try to keep him, a new master yet again, and he was stuck serving a false god in place of his true one. 

The touch of anyone else on his bare skin was undiluted acid. It was liquid fire down his throat, hands and knees on the cold ground, something crunchy wedged between his molars. Tears pricked up in the corners of his eyes. He swore that he felt his lungs snap clean off in that moment, years of abuse culminating in one too-hard twist, elastic stretching to the point of permanent warpage. 

Raph was there in a flash, tugging Mikey away a heartbeat before Leonardo’s teeth could sink into his collarbone. 

And Leonardo was stumbling back, tripping on his own feet, stupid, stupid. He smacked into the floorboards, one arm landing poorly as it smashed under his own fucking shell. Sorry, sorry, he didn’t mean to. He caught sight of Donnie, lingering in the kitchen, lurch forward, hands out, and he couldn’t help but scramble away, palms and pride low. 

“Sorry,” he wheezed. “I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry.” 

Donnie kneeled in front of him, but it wasn’t the strict seizas that Splinter had taught them to relax into when they were young and flexible like clay. It was casual, one side slanted a bit more than the other. It made his tall brother just a bit closer to the earth, and Leonardo couldn’t help but fear that he’d get dirty. “It’s alright. It was just a mistake and that’s okay.” 

But it wasn’t. He’d done that on purpose. Master had held him close and guided him through exactly what he should do if someone else tried to take him, the same way Splinter had once taught the four of them which tunnels would take them back home if they were ever lost, and why the fuck was he thinking about Splinter so much. 

“I’m sorry.” 

“No one’s hurt,” Donnie said, soft and earnest. He made a waving gesture. When Mikey plopped down next to him, a little paler but no worse for the wear, Leonardo winced. “See, Mikey’s just fine.” 

“Right as rain!” 

His chest was pounding so hard, he thought he might throw up. The idea made him feel even sicker. Imagine if the spinny sweet lemon melded with whatever he upchucked, fuck, he was so disgusting. It was all the dirt, he bet. He needed Master to hold him below dark water and refuse to let him up until he was good and pure again. 

He felt himself rise. His knees knocked together, and when he blinked, he swore it was Karai’s broken body on the floor instead of his brothers. A glance behind him had the window begging him to near, the base just barely visible amidst the horizon. Beyond the franticness of his own gasps for air, he could hear Master’s voice. He needed him. 

Raph slid in front of the view. Leonardo felt something shatter. “Nng,” he mumbled. “I – I need help. Please.” 

“Sure,” Raph said, easy as could be. He stepped a bit closer and the window got that much smaller. “Anything you need, just say the word.” 

Too many words. Stockman estimates his vocabulary has halved in the time that he’s been here. Biting down on his lips until he couldn’t remember the taste of anything beside copper. Licking the floor, lapping up something sour as a boot pressed his face closer to the ground. Wishing the earth would crack open and swallow him whole. 

He wanted to get down on all fours. Bare his neck, let himself be molded into whatever everybody else wanted, because surely that had to be easier than jutting out syllables from swollen lips. But even as his head swam, he could tell that this was most definitely not the right crowd for that, because their pink skin and kind eyes just didn’t equate with his own flesh. 

I don’t think I’ve ever been human, he thought. 

Then, Am I even a person? 

The radio rang out with an especially pitchy note. He felt himself moving, wind against his bruises. When he opened his eyes, his feet hurt. He looked down to see bits of wires and plastic scattered below, cracked half a dozen times down the middle. The music had stopped and it was quiet and he hated it. 

He started crying. Maybe he’d already been. It happened so much these days that it was hard to keep track of when exactly the tears stopped running. He felt like a child, standing among the mess he’d made, sobs cracking raw. There was a moment where he tried to stop before remembering Master’s hands, Cry harder, and he doubled down on being miserable. 

“Oh, Leo.” 

Through blurry eyes, he made out someone opening a small set of doors. A cupboard. Something folded was taken out, brought toward him, held out. He took it. He always took it. It was soft. Knitted, homemade, he could unthread every stitch if he really set himself at it. But it was also blue, and he couldn’t help but hold it close and wish it was Master he was embracing. 

“I don’t know what’s going on,” he admitted. 

Mikey shrugged. “I never know what’s going on. Want to help me catch up?” 

It was treason. But if Master had taught him nothing else, it was that he was weak. So he nodded and took Mikey’s hand. Mikey didn’t try to hug him. He just smiled at him, sweet and silly and so genuine that it made his stomach hurt. Leonardo sniffled. His fingers twisted around the blanket and he said, “Master is going to kill Karai for being alive.” 

Mikey’s eyes widened. Without saying a word, his grip tightened, and Leonardo whined. It loosened as soon as he did. “What?” 

“What do you mean, for being alive?” Raph said. 

“She woke up and now he’s trying to get her to fall asleep again, except she’s not going quietly.” Leonardo blinked, thinking on it. “I dunno if she’ll go at all, actually.” 

“Oh!” Donnie perked up, stroking his chin in thought. “She did expel the brainworm! Sensei was right.” 

Casey, still inexplicably on the couch despite the end of the world, tilted his head. “So she’s, like, not Shred Head’s puppet anymore?” 

“Don’t call him that,” Leonardo barked. Then he saw the way everyone traded glances at that and he felt his shoulder slump together. Quiet, he murmured, “Sorry. I’m sorry.” 

“That’s – alright,” April said. Her face was doing that funny thing where her lips were pushing happy but her eyes were saying sad. “But, Leo, how do you know that she’s – awake? Did you see her acting differently?” 

“She wasn’t hollow anymore.” 

April nodded, though she didn’t seem all that convinced. “I see.” 

“And she tried to get me to leave with her before Master found out and beat her and told Stockman to get him another goddamn worm.” 

Her face flushed. “Oh!” 

“Yeah.” 

“So is that when you left, then?” Raph said, before frowning and adding, “Scratch that, how did you leave? Fucking Sh – Uh, the Foot has quadrupled security since this time last year. We haven’t been able to get a yard in without them sending the whole fucking platoon at us.” 

“I ran.” 

He just shook his head. “No, I’m telling you, there were no blind spots in their setup. Their watches had watches. A mouse couldn’t have gotten out without passing through eight checkpoints – ” 

“However you got out,” Donnie cut in with a glare and a sharp elbow, “we’re unbelievably glad that you did. The most important thing is that you’re home and safe now.” He took out his phone, typing something that had Mikey craning his neck to see what was on the screen. “It’s a little too bright outside right now for us to take the rooftops back to the base, so we’ll go through the sewers.”

April said, “Take different ones from last time, just in case.” 

“Good thinking.” 

“She might already be brainwashed again,” Raph added. “Better stop by the lair for some heavy restraints. We’ll drop off Leo with Sensei while we’re there.” 

Leonardo faltered, even as the conversation continued around him. 

Casey chuckled. “Shit, reminds me of when my dad used to fork me over to my mom’s for weekends. Guess we got custody.” 

“Shut up,” someone said, swatting his arm, the view too fuzzy for Leonardo to really make anything out. 

“I’m,” he breathed, and flinched as too many eyes slid over to him. “I’m not – um, going to the lair.” 

His teeth hurt. 

“Um…” Twisting a frizzy strand that had escaped from her ponytail, April said, a bit tightly, “Aren’t you tired, Leo? I think sleeping in your own bed will really help you sort yourself out.” 

Aren’t you tired, Leonardo? That’s alright. I forgive you. Just relax. Listen to the sound of my voice. It’s the only thing that matters. 

“I’m going back.” He felt himself wound like a spring. A little unnecessarily, he added, “To the base. The Foot Base. I need to go back.” 

Donnie winced, kind eyes that bore bullet holes in his skull. “You’re not exactly in the right shape to go toe-to-toe with a horde of Foot Bots at the moment, Leo. I know you want to help but this isn’t the best way for the time being.” 

“If you really want to lend a hand, you can tell us just how you got out,” Raph said, pounding one fist into his other palm. “A lapse in security is all we need to bring Karai home.” 

“Yeah, spill the bean tea!” Mikey piped up. “Slosh that juice all over the place!” 

Leonardo just blinked. “Nng – I have to go back. I’m going back. I need to.” 

“It’s alright,” Donnie promised. “There’s enough of us to watch out for each other – ” 

“But I have to apologize,” he interrupted, and then it got all sorts of quiet. 

Most of them just glanced at each other, bitten lips and half-shrugs that were so small he nearly missed them. He missed him. Mikey pressed impossibly closer to Donnie, who just patted his head as if another person’s contact wasn’t the stuff of nightmares, all while never taking his gaze away from Leonardo. They’d gotten him glasses once, a stupid joke to fulfill a stupid stereotype, and as big as they’d made his eyes, they were bigger now. 

Raph, by contrast, had turned his entire head. He was glaring at the picture frames and shelves like they’d personally filled his sheets with roaches, arms crossed. He was angry. Shocker. Raph was always angry. When Leonardo pictured him in his head, he came pre-built with a tiny frown. “To who?” 

Donnie sighed. “Raph, you already know – ” 

“Master.” Just saying the name brought a little smile to his lips. Unabidden, he thought about the time he’d babbled the title for maybe two hours straight, so out of his mind in love that he hadn’t been able to think of anything else. When his voice had abandoned him, Master had picked up where he’d left off, replacing one name for another. Leonardo, Leonardo, Leonardo. Master and Leonardo, Leonardo and Master, forever and ever and ever. 

“And why do you have to apologize?” Raph’s tone was cold as split rocks. 

“Raph, stop.” 

“I have to make things better. I have to be better.” He felt one of his hands come up to rub his plastron, the way that Master would when he got particularly antsy. Master always knew when to quiet the thoughts in his head. “I was bad, I left, but I’m gonna make it up to him. He always lets me. I just have to go back and it’ll be okay, because he needs me and I need him so it always works out.” 

Mikey was crying, he realized. At some point, he’d slipped away from Donnie and instead been brought close into a hug from April. It looked warm, much warmer than the chilly apartment. He wanted to break another radio. He wanted music filling his ears so thoroughly that when he screamed, notes poured out. He wanted Master. 

It wasn’t always bad, was the thing. It wasn’t like Master was constantly punishing him. Only when Leonardo especially fucked up did Master have to steer him on the right path. Almost always, it was just simple cause-effect, give-take. Leonardo knew which levers to pull in order to end up with the result he desired. He was well trained. 

But Donnie just clasped the strap running vertically across his chest, a habit he’d had since they were tiny. “Leo. You can’t – go back. He’s not good for you.” 

He tried to smile. “But he loves me.” 

“Got a funny way of showing it,” Raph scoffed. 

“But I love him.” 

Raph stared. It wasn’t pitying, wasn’t a judgmental look by any means. It was just long, unending confusion. Two plus two adding up to seven, as if reality wasn’t something that could be twisted upon itself at the orders of a single individual. “Why?”  

His heart hurt. “I don’t know how not to.” 

“You said he’s gonna kill Karai. Right?” 

“Yeah.” 

“And you don’t want that to happen?” 

“I don’t.” 

Raph nodded to himself. “Okay.” Then he turned toward April and said, “Get your aunt’s toolbox.” 

Leonardo blinked. “What.” 

And – 

It got kind of fuzzy then, to tell the truth. 

Someone – Two someones, actually, each grabbed one of his arms, boxing him on each side, and when he reflexively snapped his teeth at them, another pair of hands were pinning his head in place. He was lifted up, legs kicking out like a twitchy little bug’s, lungs in his throat. It was a belated realization when he noticed he was screaming, a shrill howl that split his lips under his own breath. Rough cable was looped around his wrists. He screeched and ripped himself out of the tie, smacking into someone, but he was just pushed back, the knot tighter this time. 

“Um, I hate to be this guy but neighbors are gonna call the cops if he doesn’t stop screaming.” 

“Leo, it’s alright. I know, I know, you just have to relax.” 

“There’s – I don’t know if this is bad, but there’s a bandana in the other room.” 

The rope was connected to a radiator, meaning he was crouched on the floor, always the floor, still on the same fucking floor. The cold leached into the pads of his feet. Leonardo threw his head back and howled, please, he wanted out, he was ready to be good. He twisted sharply, this way and that, slamming into the wall hard enough that he had to spit out a glob of blood. 

“We have to go soon before it’s too late.” 

“Watch his teeth!” 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry – ” 

Rough fabric was stuffed into his slobbering maw. It was fastened behind his head, like the way his mask used to hang, just a few inches too low. It muffled the shrieks pouring out of his mouth, and it reminded him of a muzzle he used to slam into the ground in an attempt to loosen it, and he was losing his mind, he was pretty sure, because he couldn’t go back to that room without Master waiting for him on the outside. 

Raph set his hands on his shoulders, clarity in a world of confusion, a fixed point in the horizon. His eyes were red. That was his favorite color. Leonardo’s favorite was his master’s love. “We’re gonna be right back. An hour, if that. We’re not leaving you, we’re not punishing you. You didn’t do anything wrong, okay? It’s our fault. It’s my fault.” 

He whined, yanking at his restraints as much as he could. Please. 

The others went out the window. April, Casey. Mikey had to be nudged by Donnie before he finally hiccuped and followed. 

Raph’s voice got really small and he said, “I love you.” 

And that was the worst part, because when he finally left and Leonardo was alone, bound and gagged, all he could do was bow his head and shake apart and yearn and yearn and cry and cry and cry and cry and think, I don’t want to be loved. 

His mind had leaked out all the way through by the time he picked up on footsteps in the apartment. Everything was just – so very present. It was tough to think deeper than the raw sensory input still in his control. He was pretty sure that didn’t used to happen, but every time Master stuck him in the nothing room, he fell harder and faster. 

He watched them all crawl back through the window, no clue at all as to how long they’d be out. Casey was first, which was fitting since he’d been first in leaving too. His skeletal mask was half-cracked, only the top half remaining. It made his bleeding gums stand out even more. He was also down a weapon, maybe the baseball bat usually poking out of his bag. When he stumbled in from the fire escape, he immediately trudged toward the fridge and pulled out a bag of frozen peas, setting it to his jaw with a wince. 

April was next. She’d lost whatever flimsy hair tie had been twisted into her frizz. Her hair hung freely now. She had to brush it out of her face as she followed Casey to the kitchen and came back with a pair of scissors. Leonardo almost thought that she was about to snip her bangs clean off before she came to a stop beside the radiator and started to chisel away at the rope. 

Mikey just barely beat Donnie. Both of them came through the window in a single motion, each preoccupied with the precious cargo they were carrying. Mikey was holding Karai’s legs, Donnie her arms, as she hung there. She looked dead. He didn’t think they’d make Mikey touch a corpse, though, so it was probably fine. Plus, based on the way they set her on the couch, she probably hadn’t had her brain twisted inside-out. They would’ve tied her down like they did him if she was bonkers. Like him. 

As soon as Karai was on the couch, Donnie was crouching beside her, taking her wrist and pressing two fingers against her pulse. She looked more like Sleeping Beauty than a dead body, Leonardo decided. A huge cut stretched over her face, from one ear to the other. It was the type of mark that almost definitely guaranteed a scar later on. 

The last one to enter was Raph, who was mindful enough to close the window behind him. He stayed like that for a beat too long, hands on the sill, forehead pressed against the glass, eyes shut tight, before he sighed and backed away. He was the only one to head right for Leonardo, no pit stops to be found. Probably because he loved him. 

Love was something to be resigned about, Leonardo was pretty sure. 

“Hi, Leo,” he said, the same way Karai had when she’d woken up and ruined everything. If Leonardo had known what would come of that moment, he probably would’ve shoved the worm into her skull himself. “Told you we’d be back.” Raph eased himself onto the ground like an old man, bracing his shell all the way. Once he was down, he sighed again. “We got Karai back, you probably saw. Just like we said we would. Pretty cool, right?” 

He could feel the ice thaw. Reality was out there and he needed to face it. It was the only path available to him. Hatred wasn’t something he was allowed to have. Gentle and stupid, sweet and obedient, loving and loved and all sorts of things that he just – didn’t care about. He was so tired. He didn’t want to be anybody’s pet. Or worse, their son. 

He didn’t want to do this. 

“I’m sorry,” Raph said. “Tying you up was – bad. Hopefully it’ll be something that we’ll be able to look back on and – I don’t know about laugh, but…” He shrugged. “Point is, I know it was shitty. I’m really sorry. And you don’t have to forgive me by any means. Just – You need to know that it wasn’t your fault.” 

He didn’t want to do this. 

“Done,” April said, just as the last of the ropes fell away. 

And – 

He didn’t want to do this. 

Leonardo was diving forward, tackling Raph in one swoop so hard that they both collided onto the ground. Someone shouted but Leonardo just pushed past it, wrapping his arms around Raph and squeezing tightly, forcing a giggle out like it was a dead fish caught in a net. “Thank you, thank you – I’m gonna be so good, I promise. So good, I’m good, I promise, thank you.” 

Raph went pale, jaw dropped. He stuttered to a stop for an instant before he was pushing away. Leonardo let him leave, like he was supposed to. When he was standing, Leonardo took his queue and slid to his knees. He gazed up at him like he was the only being in the universe. It was easier than he wanted it to be. Easier than it had to be, really. 

“Leo,” Raph grimaced, but he was quicker. 

“I love you,” he offered, a little hesitant. Then he doubled down on it, since he’d already been told as such and that meant he had to reciprocate. “I love you. It’s okay, I’ll be good. I love you. I’m sorry.” 

He loved him. He was sure he did. How else could he explain the way his heart was so excitedly pounding in his chest? His fingers tingled with excitement as he rocked back and forth. Somewhere far back, he remembered building blanket forts with Raph for the others, little kids easily passing the kindness to each other like it was simple. He loved him. He had to, probably. 

“I love you,” he promised. 

“Leo, you’re crying.” 

He opened his mouth but all that came out was this ugly squawk and a lot of tears and maybe he threw up. It wasn’t all that clear, because one minute he was trying so damn hard to be good, and the next, he was being clutched by Donnie like he was something precious and Raph was cradling a blue and purple splotch on his temple and Casey was tossing the bag of frozen peas toward him and Mikey was helping April sweep up the shattered remains of a vase. 

He screwed his eyes shut and turned closer into Donnie’s chest. He didn’t know what to do with love like this, so he just tried harder. “Sorry, I’m sorry.” He hiccuped. “I love you. I do, promise.” 

Donnie just brushed a thumb across the top of his head, scritching with his nails.

April let them all crash at her place, which was a fitting switch-up from the months she’d spent sleeping in the sewers. She and Casey carted Karai off to the main bedroom while Raph lifted a couple armchairs for them to sleep in. They were going to keep watch over her for the night, apparently. After that, they dragged April’s mattress off her bedframe and into the living room for Mikey and Donnie. Raph got the recliner, which left Leonardo with the couch. 

He lasted all of fifteen minutes before he started crying again. 

There was the sound of shifting springs, just barely noticeable over his own hitched breathing. Through the darkness of the room, the only light available was the neon signs that peaked through the blinds. A short form shifted in the dimness, murmuring something soft to the two of the mattress before coming to kneel beside the couch. 

“What’s wrong?” Raph said quietly. 

Leonardo just blinked back, because how was he supposed to convey that the coarse-smooth cushions were no more distinguishable to him than air? Or that he’d been reprimanded for even daring to consider sitting on a sofa just a few short weeks ago? The syllables caught in his throat and he was left rumbling out something indistinct. 

He sighed. “Do you want the chair instead?” 

His eyes welled up with tears and he shook his head. The feeling of the fibers against his face made him choke up harder. 

“You gotta help me out, man. What can I do?” 

He didn’t know. He just – He wanted his master. That wasn’t too much to ask. It shouldn’t be, at least, except he knew for a fact that Raph was on watch to make sure he didn’t pry open the window and book it westward, and that Donnie had set up their T-Phones with a program that rang an awful alarm if he even left the living room. 

With a small nod, Raph climbed onto the couch with him. After he got settled, he gently guided Leonardo head toward him until it was resting against his shoulder, slotted into the gap by his neck. On instinct, he automatically searched his memory for times that he sat like this with Master – only to come up empty. They’d never done this. Probably because Master hadn’t ever let him on any of the furniture if it wasn’t at the dinner table. 

“I’m gonna be good,” he whispered, even though he knew that Mikey and Donnie were only pretending to be asleep. Or, at least Donnie was. “I know how to be good. Really good. I just – I’ll get there. Promise.” 

“I don’t need you to be good. You don’t gotta be anything for me.” 

“But I can be better.” 

“You’re fine the way you are.” 

He held his breath until his chest went tight and his vision got blurry. If he really thought about it, Master had never told him it was okay to start breathing again. But after a moment, he had to let go. “Please let me go back.” 

“You know I can’t do that.” 

It was childish, the way he turned his face further into his brother’s arm. “Please. Raph, please, please, I need to, please, I – ” 

“Did he make you beg?” 

Leonardo faltered. “Y – Yeah. When he didn’t think I meant what I was saying.”  

“Did you ever not mean it?” 

He felt his face flush. Maybe in the beginning. Back when everything was so swirly that he couldn’t even really remember why he was fighting back. Before repeating mush became mindless and he didn’t know if he believed what he was saying, but he was saying it anyway, so that had to mean something. But he’d never, ever lied to Master. As far as he could remember, at least. 

“No.” 

“Then it was pretty fucked up he made you do that, huh? You did everything he asked and he still asked more from you.” 

“I guess.” 

“So I’m not gonna make you beg. ‘Cause if nothing else, I’m not gonna be as fucked up as him.” Raph laughed, a dry, humorless sound. “Bar’s on the goddamn floor, I know.” 

“Then – I can go back?” 

“You know you can’t, Leo.” 

His eyes burned. “It’s going to hurt so much worse if I draw this out. Ple – Raph, just – ” 

“Do you want to go back because you love him or because you’re scared of him?” 

He blurted, “It’s the same thing.” 

And Raph just took a breath, a deep one, and maybe he was crying too. Maybe he’d been crying for as long as Leonardo had, or even longer, because the creakiness in his chest didn’t sound new by any means. It was a well-worn sound. “It’s not. It’s really not. Some part of you has to remember that it’s not.” 

Leonardo just held his breath again. He didn’t think he had anything left in his head beyond what Master had implanted there, custom ordered. But Raph said that there was something else and Raph loved him and that had to mean something, it really did, so he worked his index finger to his mouth and bit down hard. 

“Sure, Raph,” he lied, and ripped off his nail.

Half an hour later, when Donnie’s turn on watch started, he immediately caught sight of the blood running down Leonardo’s hand. There was a moment of hesitation when he looked at Leonardo and sort of frowned, but he didn’t say anything. He just hummed softly and wiped it clean with a rag before wrapping a Band-Aid around the wound. 

There were trains on it.