Chapter Text
J A M E S
Every morning, James Potter woke up in his hard bed with two choices. One: stay in bed and wallow in his misery, or two: get the fuck up and help people. He chose the second one every morning. It started to become second nature to plaster on a smile before facing the day.
But the truth was: he was miserable.
His leg hadn’t healed right, and some days were better than others. He walked with a very slight limp now, which he detested. His body was littered with scars. The bullet wound on his shoulder, the ugly drill and subsequent surgery scars just above his knee, the burns on his leg, numerous small knife wounds from where Bellatrix had tortured him… the list went on. He hated each and every one of them. They made his stomach churn when he saw them, so he started avoiding reflective surfaces.
Most of all, he was lonely.
Not the kind of loneliness he had experienced in solitary. No, this was the horrible kind of lonely where he was surrounded by people at all times but never felt really seen.
He spent his days helping out in the medical centre or acting as a field medic for raiding parties. Keeping busy was good. Keeping busy meant that he had less time with his thoughts and was more tired when he finally lay down to sleep.
Sleep was something that was evading him. No matter how tired he was from the day’s events, when he lay down, his mind raced. It presented him with a combination of horrible memories and terrible possibilities.
He’d always had an overactive imagination, but this was a whole other level.
When his mother had noticed the dark circles growing under his eyes, she had offered him some medication to help, but James had turned it down. The last thing he wanted was to be knocked out by sleep medication the next time something went wrong.
And things did keep going wrong, just on a less life-and-death scale than before.
The air handling system in the remainder of the Elder went down, and they had to retrofit the ship with a ventilation system to handle outside air. Their crops didn’t take properly, and they had to live off of hydro farm rations for a few months before the potatoes finally started taking root. The hunters bought back some deer whose meat was wrong and made people sick.
James found that he preferred the days when he wasn’t in camp. Marlene and Avery had officially joined the guard, and Lily was a good drawer, so a little team of them had set about mapping the surrounding areas and splitting them into sections.
Often, James, Mary, Marlene, Evan, Avery and Lily set out in a rover for the day with Lily taking down the area in vague detail so that they could fully map it when they returned to camp. They were the mapping team, and James liked the purpose that it filled his days with.
This group, plus Euphemia, were the only people James really spoke to in any meaningful way.
At the start, he tried to check in on his people. Of the 51 originally captive in the mountain, 41 had made it out, not including the younger Black or Evan. Of the original 102, 45 were still at camp. With the addition of Peter and the Black Brothers, that meant that James had succeeded in keeping 48 people alive.
Of course, he wasn’t 100% certain that Sirius and Peter were alive, and he never even allowed his mind to drift to the third person missing. If he did, he suspected he’d spiral so hard that he’d never be able to crawl out of the pit.
But he felt the absences every day. Every time he looked at a map, he thought about Peter. Every time he cracked a joke that no one laughed at, he heard the ghost of Sirius’ laugh. He even felt Barty’s absence often.
So, James went out in the rover, he smiled, he laughed. He went through the motions. He did what he could to keep afloat, even though he often felt like he was drowning. The only thing he could do was keep swimming. And if that meant subconsciously combing every inch of the woods for a wayward Black Brother, that was what he would do.
A small part of him knew that they would never find him until he wanted to be found. But that didn't deter him much.
“James,” Emmeline smiled at him when he walked into his mother’s rooms. She pressed a finger to her mouth and jerked her head in the direction of the sofa where Euphemia was passed out. “It’s the first bit of sleep I’ve seen her have in a while.”
“I’ll be quiet,” James whispered, plastering a grin on his face. “Just letting you know that we’re heading out to Sector Seven.”
Emmeline had been placed in charge of collating all of the mapping information that the survey team gathered. Back on the Elder, she had worked in Earth monitoring and was the closest thing to a professional cartographer that they had left.
“Seven?” Emmeline asked, a little crinkle appearing in her brow. “Azgeda territory?”
James shook his head. “We won’t cross the border. Moody gave me permission to arm the unit, though as a precaution.”
“He still hasn’t persuaded you to officially join the guard, then?” Emmeline asked.
“Nah, I’m a floater, one thing would be boring,” James replied, flashing her another smile.
“Do be careful, though. Keep your heads down. Don’t engage with the ice nation unless you have to,” Emmeline told him. “It’s been four months since the Mountain, all without an attack. People are starting to believe in peace.”
“I know,” James nodded solemnly. “Don’t worry, we’ve got no intention of ruining it.”
“I know you don’t,” Emmeline placed a hand on his shoulder and squeezed.
“Make sure she gets some sleep in an actual bed, yeah?” He nodded in the direction of his mother.
“Medics make the worst patients,” Emmeline lamented. “She’ll work until she drops, just like you will.” She gave him a knowing look and released his shoulder. “Come back in one piece.”
“Always do,” James pointed out. He avoided a playful whack over the head from Emmeline and headed to the door, laughing quietly.
The camp was alive with activity as it always was. Just like on the Elder, everyone had their role. Some tended to crops, and some worked on ship repairs. A few teams had recently started making trips to the mountain to retrieve anything useful from their stores, and two of those rovers were being unloaded as James walked into the vehicle dock.
“Are we ready?” He asked, winding his way around to the back of the rover, where the doors were open and Marlene was loading up gear.
“All met apart from Evan,” Marlene sighed.
“Anyone seen him?”
“Mary is looking for him now,” Marlene said.
“We should just leave him this time,” Avery grunted, throwing another bag of supplies at Marlene, who shoved it in the back. Both of them were wearing guard uniforms. James still hadn’t quite gotten used to seeing it. He wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to associate that uniform with anything other than the people who had locked him in solitary for months.
“He needs this,” Lily said quietly. She was already sitting in the back of the rover, and James hadn’t spotted her until she spoke. Gone were the florals Lily used to wear, the flowy dresses or patterned blouses. Lily was dressed the same as the rest of them now, in worn, practical clothes. James wasn’t sure if he hated it or not.
“What he needs is to stay sober for five minutes,” Avery replied.
James didn’t say anything. He took a bag from the pile and shoved it into the back of the rover.
“Found him!” Mary’s voice came from the front of the vehicle. She rounded the corner, dragging a very out-of-it Evan with her.
James sighed and silently moved off to get a bucket as they deposited Evan beside the rover. He half leaned up against the side of it, and his head lolled down on his chest. Either asleep, passed out, or close enough.
Not for long, though, because James threw a bucket of cold water over his head.
Evan sprang into action in seconds. He grabbed James by the collar and whirled him around, ramming his back against the rover. He spluttered and tried very hard to focus his eyes, but the alcohol had made him groggy.
“You….” Evan tried, raising a finger to point it at James’ face. Water droplets trickled down Evan’s face and off the end of his nose. His hair hung limply in his face.
“Me,” James sighed. He easily pushed Evan’s hands off of him, ignoring the twinge in his shoulder from being shoved up against the rover. “Get in the rover, Evan. No gun until you sober up.”
“Don’t want one,” Evan slurred, staggering around to the back of the rover and hauling himself in, sitting down beside Lily.
“Load up, guys, we’re moving out,” James said.
Now this had become very familiar. James headed to the passenger door and seated himself there whilst Mary settled in the driver’s. Evan was supposed to drive, but he hadn’t ever been sober enough at the start of one of their excursions for anyone to allow him behind the wheel.
The back door slammed closed behind Marlene, and Mary pulled the rover out of the garage and through the camp.
Marlene rattled through Moody’s instructions to everyone; no lethal force, avoid engaging grounders (especially the ice nation), but James didn’t really listen; he stared out of the slatted window to his side, watching the trees whip past them.
Over the last months, the paths around camp had been widened until they hit the Grounder’s roads. This particular route away from the Elder camp was worn and well-used. James himself had driven down it more times than he could count. But every time he did, he still found himself staring out of the window in hopes of catching a glimpse of dark hair and pale skin.
James was very much respecting the fact that the younger Black wanted space. He had no intention of dragging him back to camp; he just wanted a glimpse. Anything so that James could be sure he was at the very least alive.
“Oi!” Marlene smacked James on the back of the head lightly. “If you’re sitting shotgun, you can’t just stare out of the window, Potter.”
“Sorry,” James forced a laugh and rubbed the place where she had hit him. “What’s your suggestion to pass the time then? It’s a long drive.”
Marlene shrugged. “We could talk. Reminisce over the good times.”
The good times have been few and far between. The last time James had a truly good time unmarred by death or tragedy was probably before his father died, and even those childhood memories are marred by all that came after now. He couldn't think about the good times he had with his friends on the Elder without missing Sirius and Peter so much that his chest hurt.
Judging by the silence in the rover, no one else could reminisce over the good times either.
Silently, Lily reached forward and grabbed a cable that hung freely over the back of James’ armrest. She plugged in her small music player and selected a song.
James had heard Lily’s whole music library at this point. It was a fairly regular occurrence that she would reach forward and plug in the device when they headed out on an expedition. The one she played, James recognised. So did Evan, it seemed. He was still drunk, but the song seemed to have bought him out of his stupor.
“Ooh, each morning I get up I die a little
Can barely stand on my feet
Take a look at yourself in the mirror and cry
Take a look in the mirror and cry
Lord, what you're doing to me? (Yeah, yeah)
I have spent all my years in believing' you
But I just can't get no relief, Lord.”
Evan’s voice was rough, but he threw his head back and smiles a little when he sang. James liked the sight. Despite himself, he joined in.
“Somebody (Somebody)
Ooh, somebody (Somebody)
Can anybody find me
Somebody to love?”
Suddenly, they’re all singing. It was one of those rare moments that James could forget about the ache in his leg and the blood on his hands and just be. Even Lily, who never seemed to smile anymore, joined in and sang.
“Yeah
I work hard (He works hard) every day of my life
I work 'till I ache my bones
At the end (At the end of the day) I take home
My hard-earned pay all on my own
(Goes home, goes home on his own)
I get down (Down) on my knees (Knees) and I start to pray (Praise the Lord)
'Till the tears run down from my eyes, Lord.”
Evan let out a whoop and clambered up into the gun turret of the rover, waving his arms wildly and making everyone else laugh as they continued singing.
“Somebody (Somebody)
Ooh, somebody (Please)
Can anybody find me
Somebody to love?”
Then, a beeping interrupts the music, and James hurried to turn it off as Mary scrambled with a device on the dashboard to see what was causing the noise.
“It’s a tracking beacon from the Elder,” Mary declared, pulling the rover to a stop in the middle of the field they had been driving through.
“That was the best part,” Evan complained as he dropped back into his seat and crossed his arms over his chest like a petulant toddler.
“Who is it?” James asked, ignoring Evan. “Which station?”
Mary tapped at the controls for a few seconds. “Farm station.”
“After four months?” Avery asked. “How?”
James set his jaw. “We’ll find out. Where are they Mary?”
Mary continued tapping away at the controls before turning to look at James. Her face had gone slightly pale. “Sector Eight.”
“Ice nation territory,” Marlene muttered.
“Protocol says we go home,” said Avery. “Let the Minister decide what to do next.”
As usual, when faced with these kinds of situations, James found all eyes on him. He chewed on the inside of his cheek briefly. “Screw protocol. Mum isn’t Farm Station. Mary and Avery are. It’s your call guys.”
Mary hesitated only for a moment. “Let’s do this?”
Avery gave a small smile. “Of course.”
James gritted his teeth. “Okay, want me to drive Mac? You can get a lock on the signal.”
*
James preferred driving the rover to riding a horse. He certainly wasn’t as good at it as Mary or even Evan, but he didn’t hit any trees or large rocks, which he counted as a win.
“This is the border,” Lily said. Her head was buried in the maps she had spent the last months compiling. James pulled the rover to a stop.
“The signal’s strong,” said Mary. “We’re almost on top of them.”
“Where’s all the ice?” Avery frowned, peering out of the window.
“Further north,” supplied Marlene. “Sector Eight is massive.”
“Okay, out we get,” James declared, grabbing his gun and pulling himself out of the rover, hardly suppressing a wince as his leg had to bear weight again. Driving was not good for it. “Evan, stay in the rover.”
“Fuck off,” Evan scoffed, clambering out alongside everyone else.
“We might need every gun we can get,” Marlene reasoned.
“Absolutely do not give him a gun,” Avery retorted. “He’ll shoot himself or one of us.”
“It’s this way!” Mary declared. She had removed the tracking device from the dashboard and was looking down at it as she continued forward.
“Wait,” James grabbed her shoulder. “Slow down. Remember the rules Moody gave us. Non-lethal force.”
“And to think you turned down being a guard, Potter,” Marlene rolled her eyes.
“They’re moving toward us,” Mary said. “120 meters, 110…” she started forward again, but James stopped her. “They’re our people, James!”
“We hope they’re our people,” James insisted. Once, James had been a trusting person. He wasn't entirely sure when that had stopped, but it was certainly gone now. Now he was the kind of person who searched for the exits the second he stepped into the room. He was the kind of person who looked at anyone he didn't know, and even some who he did know, with inherent suspicion.
He drew his gun and pointed it in the direction from which they could hear an approach. Hooves.
Through the trees, two people on horseback emerged.
"White War paint," Marlene muttered. "They're Azgeda."
When they first arrived on the ground, they had landed in Trikru territory and therefore only came across Trikru people, so they hadn't noticed the distinct differences between the different Grounder clans. But when you knew what to look for, the differences were unmistakable. The way they dressed, the clothes they wore, and even the accents they spoke with.
"Stay calm," Marlene muttered to everyone as the riders drew to a stop in front of them.
"Chon re yu?" the first Azgeda man asked.
"Skaikru," Marlene replied. "Looking for our people."
"Emo lufa au Wanheda," said the second Azgeda man.
"I think that they think we're looking for someone called Wanheda," Marlene said in a hushed voice, looking around the group for help. As he so often did, James longed for the Black brothers with their uncanny ability to understand the Grounder language. James himself only understood basic phrases, though Marlene had picked up on it quicker than most of them.
"Who's that?" Avery asked, tightening his grip on his gun as the two men dismounted their horses.
"No idea," Marlene hissed back.
"There's the beacon," Mary pointed towards a necklace that one of the men was wearing as he turned to face the group.
Before anyone could stop him, Evan staggered forward.
"Hey, get back here!" James tried to grab Evan, but he was too quick.
"Evan, what are you doing?" Mary demanded.
"I got this!" Evan declared as he pushed past Marlene, staggering a little.
If there was one bit of the Grounder language James had made sure to learn, it was how to de-escalate situations. And this was certainly a situation that needed de-escalating. The second Grounder man had drawn his bow and had an arrow ready to fly straight into Evan's chest.
"Oso gouba in Heda's ginteik," (we observe the commander's truce), James declared frantically.
Evan didn't stop, he walked straight up to the first man, looked him up and down and pulled the beacon off of the man's necklace.
"This belongs to us," Evan told him, before turning away back towards the group. The man moved so fast that there was nothing any of them could do to stop him from grabbing Evan and pressing a knife to his throat.
"Wereon ste Wanheda?" (Where is Wanheda?) The grounder man demanded.
"Teik em gonot!" (Let him go) James yelled, his gun trained on the man without a second of hesitation. Around him, all of his friends had weapons in their hands, pointed at the Grounders.
"Oso nou get in chon bilaik!" (We don't know who that is!) Marlene replied quickly
The Grounder man looked at Evan, and James realised with a jolt that Evan was laughing. It was not the route that James would have taken in such a tense situation, but Evan was certainly still drunk and apparently had a death wish.
"Yu fig raun dison laik leyos?" The man asked Evan. He drew his blade over Evan's neck slowly, causing Evan's laughter to cut off into wheezes.
Once, James was a person who would have hesitated to pull the trigger. He wasn't anymore. And his aim was excellent. He fired and hit the man squarely between the eyes, sending him immediately careening to the ground.
Around him, everyone fired, and the second Azgeda man was taken out in seconds.
"Hold your fire!" James bellowed.
A very brief silence was cut into by the sound of Moody's voice on the radio inside the rover. "Rover One, come in."
James took a steadying breath and hurried back towards the rover to answer the call.
"Receiving," James said into the radio.
"I had him!" Evan complained, falling to his knees and clutching his neck.
"Mission report?" Moody asked, always blunt and to the point. James had come to admire that about him.
"What the hell were you thinking?" Avery demanded, hurrying over to Evan.
"We picked up a signal from Farm Station, but two Azgeda warriors had it. We were forced to shoot them. Evan's injured."
"We got the beacon, didn't we?" Evan was still half laughing despite the blood spouting from his neck.
"Yeah, but where did they get it?" Mary demanded. Avery slung one of Evan's arms over his shoulder and began carrying him back to the rover.
"We should get him to medical," Lily said, rummaging in her bag and pulling out some gauze and pressing it to Evan's neck.
"We need you in Sector Four. Covert." Moody said.
"Covert, Sector Four, copy. Can you tell me what's going on?" James asked.
"When you get here," Moody replied. "Over and out."
"Sector Four?" Marlene asked as James returned the radio to the dashboard and ran his hands through his hair. "What's Moody doing so far outside the wall?"
James had no clue what Moody wanted, but he was trying to be better at obeying orders. He took a heavy breath and wheeled around to the rest of the group.
"Take him home," he snapped in Evan's direction.
"I'm fine, thank you for asking," Evan grumbled as Lily wrapped up his neck in clean gauze.
James ignored Evan. "I need the rover. Take their horses. Mary, you're with me."
James didn't really want to take anyone with him. But the rule was that no one went anywhere outside the wall without backup, plus the pang in his leg kept reminding him that he really wasn't up to driving.
When no one moved, James felt his patience snap. "Move people!"
*
He and Mary didn't speak on the drive. It wasn't until they arrived in Sector Four and parked the rover that Mary said anything.
"Evan's becoming a liability," Mary muttered as they trudged through a dark tunnel to the place Moody wanted to meet.
"I know," James sighed. "I shouldn't have let him come along."
"He's getting worse," Mary said.
"Keep your eyes peeled," James reminded her.
"Getting drunk every night is one thing, but laughing when there's a knife pressed to your throat?" Mary continued. "Losing Barty really screwed him, didn't it?"
"Yeah, it did," James muttered. His attention was drawn to a rustling of trees as they made their way to the other end of the tunnel, as Moody emerged through the trees accompanied by a familiar face.
"Who's he with?" Mary asked.
"Narcissa," James replied quietly, stopping at the end of the tunnel to allow Moody and Narcissa to approach them. Narcissa looked much the same as the last time he had seen her over four months ago. Long blonde hair pulled back from her face in intricate braids and a stoic expression on her face.
"That's Narcissa?" Mary frowned, eyeing the woman warily.
James cursed under his breath. "He must've told her we broke the truce." He started towards Moody to meet in the middle. "Sir, before you say anything, there was a good reason-"
Moody held his hand up. "We'll deal with that later. This is about Regulus."
Just the name sent a wave of shock through James' body. He felt himself tense up immediately. His fingers locked around the gun he was holding, and his knuckles went white immediately.
"What about him?" James asked through gritted teeth.
"He's being hunted," Narcissa stated.
"By who?" Mary frowned.
"By everyone," Narcissa replied.
James' heart skipped a beat.