Chapter Text
Stolas opened his eyes and he knew at once where he was. The endless darkness, the celestial glow emanating from the thousands of stars composing hundreds of constellations and Stolas could name every single one. This place he had spent so much time exploring now felt more like home than did the palace he grew up in.
His place among the stars. One might think that floating in the ever expanding cosmos would make him feel small, insignificant and so terribly alone …but there was something… magical about this place, about knowing that he belonged here , it gave him solace, it made him strong. And no matter how miserable his life could be, he found comfort here, knowing that he was never truly alone when he was surrounded by the stars.
But… How was he here? He hadn’t thought he’d ever see this place again. Not… not since his magic had been so violently torn from him. But maybe… he should just…be? Enjoy it while it lasts…
He floated. The stars seemed to move, shifting into bizarre configurations, creating constellations he’d never seen before.
Images flashed across the sky, appearing as if some deity were sketching in the night with a giant sparkler.
A pair of sword-wielding swashbucklers.
A balloon animal without limbs.
A sparkling chandelier.
An angelic lasso.
…A heart full of holes.
He blinked rapidly, struggling and failing to orient himself, unable to control his own body. Without gravity there was no way to stop, nor to start… just endless spinning. Of all the thousand stars surrounding him, how could it be that he recognized not a single one. A stab of worry pierced through him – without the stars he knew to guide him, there was no knowing where he was, and without his magic...
The whole galaxy spun, or maybe he spun – who fucking knows – and suddenly he let out a sigh of relief. The Moon, his North Star, glowing brighter than any other, big and warm and beautiful, it felt like home.
He’d always felt a strong affinity with the moon. Her many phases and varietals of fullness, each with their own name and significance, were invaluable to his sacred duties and celestial powers…but it was more than just that.
It was to her that he brought his Via, ever since she was a tiny owlet, to sing to her, to comfort her, and share with her his private haven. And then, what seemed like eons later, when those precious shared moments with his daughter had all but dried up, he found himself sharing the pleasures of the moon with the other most important person in his life, bathing together in her light each month at her peak.
He was drawn to the moon as if connected to her gravitational pull, as if…he looked down. Or… literally connected by a glowing blue string of light… that was coming out the center of his chest.
Odd.
He looked up again and saw the glowing thread extending forward around the side of the moon, and without quite knowing how, he was following its path towards the surface.
He blinked.
Now he was floating just a few feet away and could see where the cord was leading.
At its end, the thread split, expanding into a shiny translucent bubble outlined in shimmering red. And inside it was…
Himself.
Himself and everything he could never have.
For there was Blitzø, setting down a basket, reaching in and bringing out thermoses and mugs.
And behind him, his daughter, Loona, unfurling a large blanket and next to her was…
Via.
And she was smiling, laughing even, though he couldn't hear a sound. He watched Blitzø’s beloved daughter gently bump her shoulder against his starfire’s. Watched them giggle and take opposite sides of the blanket to spread it out on the ground.
And the other him, the luckiest son of a bitch, closed a portal behind them, sat gracefully down on the blanket, and accepted a hot mug of tea and a kiss from Blitzø…who, after handing mugs to the girls, settled in between them . Not next to Other Stolas. But between the girls, so that Stolas’ precious daughter was nestled between the two of them.
Where she belonged.
His heart ached in his chest, and he shut his eyes against the threat of tears but they flew back open as the sound abruptly turned up and he heard himself speak:
In the great expanse of the nether there exists boundless amounts of magnificent phenomenon the great brilliance of an exploding star, the nimble dance of space dust through a nebula but once every one thousand years our corner of reality is treated to an incredible sight from the deep eldritch recesses of the cosmos the tears of a forgotten colossus begin to fall.
“Jeez, how many times didja practice that fuckin’ speech, Stols?”
“Oh dozens of times,” Other Stolas said. “Daily. Since I was six years old.And it was all leading up to this very moment.”
Via burst out laughing at the look of confusion on Blitzø’s face.
Loona leaned over to stage whisper in his ear, “I think he’s fucking with you, Dad.”
Blitzø turned his mock indignance to his daughter, “Well I know that, Loony”
Via was still giggling into her hand but surfaced enough to say “Mmhmm sure you did, very convincing, old man.”
“ Ahem,” Other Stolas interrupted, “if I might be permitted to continue? Seeing as I have been practicing my entire life for this.”
“Yeah, yeah, go on mister Ass-tronomer ”
He raised an eyebrow but didn’t deign to reply to that.
“As I was saying…
…an incredible sight from the deep eldritch recesses of the cosmos the tears of a forgotten colossus begin to fall.
Tears made of the hopes and dreams of every living thing that never came to be.”
Despite all their teasing, he could see the way this…family, for there was no other word for it, leaned closer together, looked up into the galaxy and let the words of the Other Stolas wash over them.
“Condensed and sent shooting across the night sky in a dazzling final display.”
As if on queue, streaks of light began to shoot across the sky, throwing the faces of the four of them into sharp contrast, almost as if they were changing, warping. He blinked hard trying to clear his vision. Everything looked distorted, almost grotesque, the translucent bubble’s color rapidly changing with every flash of celestial starlight. But the voice of the Other Stolas was clear and unwavering as he finished:
“What appears to mortal beings as a meteor shower we can see for what it is: Azathoth's Tears.”
Everything seemed to slow down. The stars streaking across the sky moved glacially. For a single moment, nothing happened.
And then Via’s head turned toward him in an isolated movement and she looked directly into his eyes, straight through the barrier.
“And what comes next, dad? Hmm, oh yes, I remember. You made me a promise, didn’t you?”
From the depths of the cosmos a rhythmic sound began to cut through the atmosphere, reverberating through his hollowed bones.
“I asked you if you would take me to see it someday and you said:
‘Yes, dear. I promise, when the day comes nothing will be able to keep me from being there with you.’”
The Other Stolas spoke the words in sync with her with no inflection like a ventriloquist dummy, and Stolas shuddered.
“That’s what you told me,” Via continued. “But that was just. Another. Lie.
You couldn’t be bothered to keep your promise. All you've ever done is let me down, time after time.
You it did then and you’ll do it again. You ruined our family.”
She leaned sideways, towards Blitzø, and he turned his warm eyes upon her and smiled – the heartbeat of sound from the edges of the cosmos drew closer, louder.
“You should thank me really,” her eyes never looked away from Stolas.
She reached toward Blitzø as if to hug him, and he was quick to embrace her – sharing a look full of emotion and wonderment with the Other Stolas. Stolas, himself, would also have basked in the joy of his two favorite people in the world together if he didn’t feel the icy chill of foreboding rippling down his spine.
Via’s eyes were still locked with his.
“It was only a matter of time before you ruined him too. And this way, you don’t even have to get your hands dirty.”
Her hands came up on either side of his face and Stolas watched the light leave Blitzø’s trust-filled eyes as Via snapped his neck .
“You ruined it.”
He screamed.
The rhythmic beat was deafening now and a crack spread like lightning across the landscape of the moon, splitting it apart and Stolas fell, fell, fell into the dark.
He landed hard, crumpled upon muddied grass. Wherever he was now, it was definitely where The Sound originated from. The bass that pulsed through his body like a second heartbeat was joined by dissonant chords. He looked up, desperately to get his bearings, but finding only faceless demons all around him, crowding him from all sides. He struggled to find his feet, knowing that if he could just get his head above the crowd he could find his way out. But the crowd moved like waves in the sea; there was no fighting the push and pull of the pulsating bodies. Maybe this was it, this was how he was to die, lost in a sea of writhing demons, drifting like a piece of wood in the waves. Then he heard it.
Heard her.
“My world is burning down around me
My deep despair is what surrounds me, yeah”
He opened his eyes and began to fight the crowd twice as hard as before, pushing back rather than letting himself be swept away until finally his hand met the hard flat surface of a wall and he ran it upwards till he found a ledge and pulled himself up, up and out.
It wasn’t a wall. It was the end of a stage. A stage he knew, that he’d sung upon himself. When he was full of agony so deep he didn’t know how else to purge it from his body.
Filled with dread, he forced his eyes up and looked into the face of his beloved daughter, his Starfire as she sang out from the recesses of her soul:
“Your dark decay
I feel so sad
It's black and grey
I hate you dad
You never change
You only lie
It's all the same”
It was all too familiar; Verosika to one side, and Loona on the other, in place of the hellhound at the Anti-Blitzø party, and her eyes were full of venom, burning into his own with pure hatred.
He flinched, looking to the side and saw that Blitzø himself was sitting at the drums. He couldn’t stand looking at him either so he let his eyes be drawn to the curtain behind the performers, emblazoned with the words:
FUCK YOU, STOLAS
Underneath there was a hand drawing of a horse with a long neck and a top hat upon its head… but halfway up the long graceful neck there was only air; the rest lay severed on the ground, head, hat and all, in a pool of black blood.
“My world is burning down around me
My deep despair is what surrounds me, yeah”
He reached up to pull his cloak down over his eyes and realized he was clad in the same red-splattered sheet that Blitzø had worn at that party. He tried to turn; to fight his way out of the crowd but he spun and spun and found himself yet again in a room full of portraits.
“My world is burning down around me
My deep despair is what will drown me, yeah”
The portraits here made him miss the room of 1000 hateful Blitzø‘s. There weren’t many, but they were huge and garish…and filled with the starring cast of his nightmares. The looming faces of his tormentors surrounded him and their voices overlapped as he spun, and was inundated with fun-house mirrors of his worst moments.
Stella with her arms around Via from behind, holding her back:
"Sorry, sweetie. No talking to that deadbeat ."
King Paimon, his father , impossibly tall with a face full of disdain,
“ How ugly . How about you stop this bitch crying ,”
Stella with a glass in her hand and her beak curved into a cruel smile,
“ I swear to fuck he just lays there staring at the wall - I'm glad one egg fell out of me so I could stop pretending to want to fuck his scrawny twig ass .”
Striker, fangs bared with bloodlust; a flash of angelic steel and the phantom pain in his shoulder:
“Shame you won't see your kid again….You ain’t worth the tombstone you'll be buried under.”
Stella again, poison in her eyes, raising her talons to tear him to pieces:
“ I like tormenting you…I want to keep reminding you of what you did ”
Andrealphus, snooty and smug, revelling in his triumph:
“Buh-Bye, Stolas, you deviant piece of shit.”
STELLA, raising his beloved potted hellfern over her head and hurling it towards him:
“What a P A T H E T I C fucking man!”
He ducked, throwing his arms over his head, though nothing came out of the portrait to hurt him. Then, he saw her – his precious girl in her own portrait, this one just in front of him, not looming above, her head tucked down, casting her facial features into shadow.
He opened his beak to call out to her, her name, anything, but he couldn’t produce a sound.
As she slowly looked up he saw her eyes burned black and he shrank back a bit when she spoke, quietly but deliberate.
“You told me you’d never leave me. You promised.”
He tried harder to speak, to make any words come out. He had to find the right words. To make her understand. To show her once and for all that he loved her first and foremost above anything, including himself.
“We were never enough for you! You never loved mother, and you don't love me.”
He shook his head in denial, not knowing what else to do, when she stepped forward out of the portrait. Her movements were stiff and somewhat unnatural but he didn’t pause to consider it, just flew forward and threw himself on the ground at her feet, and suddenly he found his voice.
“Via, darling, my Starfire, I love you so, SO much, I never knew how much I could love before you came into my life, please just..”
She didn’t speak again, and he began to sob, reaching for her hand and drawing it to his face, kissing it and –
Something was wrong. Her hand was cold and stiff, and when he bent to kiss it his lips met something that wasn’t Octavia. He opened his eyes to see a string attached to Via’s hand as it pulled away from him.
He sat back on his knees and looked up at her, realizing that she was dressed extravagantly, in a gown that looked identical to the ones that Stella favored. It was just wrong to see his Starfire dressed in such a way, SO unlike herself. But that was the least of his worries.
His eyes reached her face and he shrieked and fell back onto his elbows –
It wasn’t Via. Not anymore.
Her eyes that had burned black he now saw were giant marbles fit into her sockets. A wide smile split her face, chilling him. She was stiff, rigid all over and he realized the only reason she had moved was because of the strings attached to her like a marionette, jerking her atrophied limbs in a grotesque parody of life.
He looked upward, his mouth agape in horror and saw Stella and Andrealphus, each with a wooden X, sharing the puppeteering of what was left of his daughter. Taxidermied. Stuffed and preserved to be an ornament, a tool to her mother and uncle.
It was Andrealphus who broke the horrific silence.
“Don’t worry, Stolas. She'll be safe and sound...With her mother. The wholesome parent."
The two siblings began to cackle uproariously until they were wiping their eyes with malevolent mirth.
And then, as one, all of the portraits, and the thing that once was his daughter turned to look at him.
“After all, we’re better off without you.”
Blitzø had been curled up on his bean bag for hours, eyes stubbornly wide and hands clammy, unable to settle into sleep.
What a fucking day. And to think, he’d come home feeling so…hopeful. Bringing home a little treat for his bird, who was just feeling a bit tired, a little overstimulated, that’s all. It’s not like he stayed home because he was spiraling. Of course not. Because Blitzø would have noticed that, right?
After Stolas disappeared into the bathroom, Blitzø had paced back and forth, trying to figure out if he should give space, or give chase.
What a fucking idiot he was. Of FUCKING COURSE Stolas wasn’t O K A Y. And if anyone should be able to spot an impending panic attack, it should fuckin be him.
It should have been him .
Instead, what had happened? Stolas was left to the mercy of his thoughts today, completely abandoned by Blitzø. He should have known better. Just because Stolas had his meds now didn’t mean things would miraculously fix themselves overnight. He couldn’t stop seeing the ruffled feathers on Stolas’ arms and thighs, dripping black, he– oh. There was something he could do while Stolas was… occupied. Clean up the sitting area so he won’t get his face triggered off when comes out.
So Blitzø cleared up the feathers. He scrubbed the floor and the coffee table and…flipped over the cushions. He set about making dinner, and definitely did not spend every second straining to hear anything coming from the bathroom.
When Stolas emerged, he was quiet, downcast, and made straight back for the couch, but Blitzø intercepted him, inviting him to the table for dinner.
…Which Stolas politely refused, claiming indigestion.
“ Well at least let me take a look at those cuts ,” Blitzø took a step forward and reached out a hand toward Stolas. Who flinched. Violently.
Blitzø froze, hand extended and waited for permission.
But Stolas just shrugged around him and headed towards the safety of the couch.
“Stolas, please. I just want to make sure you–”
“Thank you, Blitzø. But that won’t be necessary. I just need some sleep, that’s all. I didn’t sleep well last night, nor did I get any during the day.
There was nothing else for Blitzø to do but let him go lie down.
As quietly as he could, Blitzø had cooked dinner for Loona (he couldn’t bear to eat anything himself), and brought it to her in her room.
“He doing okay now?” she asked tentatively, lingering in her doorway.
“Yeah,” he sighed, looking over his shoulder at the bird-shaped lump on the couch. “He just…needs to take it easy. Rest and relaxation and all that, you know…”
She eyed him silently, biting gently on her lower lip before finally offering, “Just…just please tell me if there’s anything I can do. To help, I mean.”
His head snapped around, eyes wide for a second before they brimmed with tears.
“Oh, Loonyyy. I can’t tell you how much that means to me.”
“Yeah well…you’re welcome. And, I mean it. Alright then, I’m gonna go eat and not talk to you until tomorrow. Unless you, you know, need me.”
Blitzø had mindlessly gone through his bedtime rituals, and curled up on the bean bag chair. Awake.
Awake and thinking and worrying and stressing and and and.
He just. Needed to stay patient. Nothing happened overnight, and he was determined to go at whatever pace Stolas needed. And he would.
He was startled out of his thoughts by a low moan. He froze. Was Stolas waking up or was he having a dream? And was it a dream or a d r e a m or a nightmare?
There was another long groan ( yes, definitely still asleep…like I should be right now.)
He was about to turn over and actually try to sleep, when he heard a low sob.
He sat up. Okay…yeah it definitely wasn’t a sexy dream. Fuck.
“Stols?” he whispered into the dark. “Are you awake?”
His only answer was another sob, louder this time, then another and another and it was breaking his heart and before he knew what he was doing, he was up and crossing the few steps to the couch, determined to do something to comfort his precious bird.
He was across the room before his brain could catch up with his body, and stopped short at the edge of the couch.
His claws flexed with indecision, aching with the need to reach out and do something. Should he touch him? Fuck. Stolas was sweating, feathers askew, and struggling against the blanket that had become twisted around his limbs. His face was twisted in agony, all four eyes tightly clenched, leaking tears from underneath, and his heavy breathing and pained whimpers made Blitzø’s stomach roil.
“ Stols, baby wake up,” he choked out.
There was no reaction, so, feeling like he had no other option, Blitzø decided to risk touching him (cuz that had gone so well earlier).
He cautiously placed a gentle claw on the shoulder closest to him, and then squeezed tighter when there was still no response.
Well. That got a response.
Stolas didn’t wake up, but instead started thrashing and sobbing harder, flinging his head back and forth, kicking, and scratching at his arms.
And once again Blitzø hit the fucking panic button and reacted instinctively to subdue him.
He slithered on top of him, grateful for his experience riding horses (and Stolas), and took control.
Luckily he had lots of practice with that as well, so with smooth movements he had Stolas’ wrists pinned above his head with one hand, and the other tightly fisted in Stolas’ headfeathers, stilling the most violent of his movements. Finally, with his bottom half he stilled Stolas’ hips, (although there was nothing he could do about his long ass bird legs).
And throughout it all he kept up a litany of “It’s okay Stols, you’re okay I got you, you’re okay baby, you’re safe, I have you, I got you, you’re okay, I’m here…”
As the tension started to leech from Stolas’ body, Blitzø gentled his hold on the back of his head, carding his claws through the feathers. He leaned in closer, pressing his forehead into Stolas’ whose lower set of eyes slowly cracked open, blinking in disorientation and still leaking steadily.
Blitzø continued whispering words of comfort and praise, softening his grip further, one hand cupping Stolas’ jaw and the other on his cheek, smoothing a thumb across his faceplate and gently wiping away the tears streaming out of all four eyes.
“ That’s it, that’s good. That’s my good birdie, ” Blitzø pressed a kiss between Stolas’ upper eyes, and shit, yep, that did it. Stolas’ breath hitched and he fractured, sobbing and gasping and clutching at him, frantically trying to wrap all of his long bird limbs around Blitzø. Blitzø just held him back, rocking him gently, and let him cry.
Slowly, slowly his sobs became sniffles, his harsh breathing began to ease, hitching violently every so often.
Blitzø smoothed away the last of his tears and slowly sat up.
“There’s my pretty bird.”
Their eyes locked and Blitzø offered a smile, soft and sweet and real and suddenly Stolas was sitting up too, and Blitzø was in his lap and he was clutching at him again , but this time it was his face, drawing him into a frantic kiss.
It was hot and messy, all beak and fangs and tongue and tongue and tongue , moaning into each other’s mouths, swallowing each other’s gasping words.
“Fuck, oh fuck, fuck fuck.”
Blitzø’s hands were running through headfeathers, Stolas‘ over horns and spikes, down his back, then sliding around, around and down Blitzø’s abdomen towards the waistband of his sleep shorts. Oh god. Yes , no but yes.
But actually N O.
“Wait – Stols, wait , stop! We can’t –” he forced himself to unlock his fingers and pull back.
This wasn’t how this was supposed to happen. All this time, waiting and trying to build back trust and respect and then he did this??!? Satan’s balls, what the fuck was wrong with him? What kind of pathetic, disgusting asshole would take advantage of this moment, this moment of extreme vulnerability? Fuck. Say something, you moron!
“It’s not that I – I mean, I do, I…it’s just not –”
Stolas seemed to curl further in on himself with every word and Blitzø cursed himself to heaven and back, he was fucking useless with fucking words fffffff.
Stolas sniffed, looking away “It’s okay, Blitzø. I understand.” His voice sounded horrible, scratchy and hoarse and just so, so sad.
“No I don’t think you do. I just…I – Look. You’re very…this was a really emotional night. And I just. I would hate to take – we just can’t… it’s not…time. You know?”
Oh Stolas knew. He knew. He could hear the ends of allllll those sentences Blitzø was too kind to finish.
“I understand, Blitzø,” he said tonelessly, sliding backwards to put some distance between them. Blitzø did not look reassured, his face pinched in distress.
“...Stols. It isn’t – it’s just that you don’t deserve –”
“I’m tired,” Stolas cut in over him. He really didn’t need to hear the end of that sentence out loud. “Apologies. You are correct, now is certainly not the time for any more of… this.”
Blitzø visibly deflated, looking crestfallen, but then took a deep breath.
“Okay, yeah. You’re right. We should sleep.”
“Yes.” Stolas could feel Blitzø looking at him, and moved to lay down, refusing to meet his eyes.
“Um…do you want me to– I mean, uh, Could I– fuck, christ on stick,” he muttered before blowing out a breath. “Could I h-hold you? Just for tonight?”
And Stolas…couldn’t think of anything to say. So he just…shrugged minutely and gave a tiny nod before laying down.
Blitzø wriggled into the space between Stolas’s back and the couch, latching his arms around him, and cradling Stolas’ head to his chest.
It was quiet for a moment before Blitzø spoke softly, “Hey Stols?”
There was a beat of silence so Stolas hmm’d in acknowledgement.
“Everything is going to be okay. I promise.”
Stolas said nothing, but his eyes filled anew with tears.
“Night, birdie.”
Blitzø snuggled closer and within moments his breathing had evened out into sleep.
“Goodnight, Blitzø” Stolas whispered.
And though his eyes ached with tiredness, he knew he wouldn’t sleep.