Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

"Happy Numbers, Alice!"

"Hello, Smiler," Alice replied, yawning heavily as she slouched into the kitchen. "I see you're still in love with life."

"Why shouldn't I be?" Smiler responded, beaming as the kettle they'd found hidden among the stacks of books in the library the other day began to whistle from its place hanging over the cauldron's fire pit (the cauldron itself having been shoved off to the side to make space). They retrieved it and splashed a bit of water (stolen from a nearby canal and skimmed and boiled for safety) from its storage bucket over the flames to quench them. "Any day where you wake up and you're not a ghost is a good day." They paused a moment and considered their words. "Well, except if you're Elder Gutknecht, but he's a rare exception."

"And also doesn't sleep, I don't think." Alice leaned against the counter, rubbing her bleary eyes. "Which I rather envy him for at the moment – the floor is not exactly the most comfortable of mattresses."

"Victor and I were more than willing to let you have the bed again," Smiler said, sloshing the boiling water around the mug they'd found next to the kettle, and a pair of beakers (thoroughly washed) from the Fox-Lloyd alchemy bench. "No trouble at all."

"I had it the first Names, and I wanted to keep things fair," Alice insisted through another yawn. "Besides, anyone with eyes could see poor Victor was barely awake yesterday – he needed it more."

"Good point – I wasn't going to take it either if he'd offered it to me," Smiler admitted, producing some tea balls and dropping them into the cups. They carefully filled each to the proper level and put them aside to steep before offering Alice another bright smile. "Ah well – after today, we'll be getting him back to his own room again, won't we?"

"That is the plan, yes." Alice ran her fingers through her hair. "Insomuch as we have one."

"I think we've got enough to work with – and we can talk it over again before we head out." Smiler grabbed the surprise loaf they'd picked up from the Arms Of The Weeping Lady soup kitchen the day before. "Can't leave before we have breakfast, after all!"

"True." Alice shook her head as she watched Smiler use her (also thoroughly washed) knife to whack off a slice of compressed mushroom, centipede, and grub bits for each of them, humming cheerfully as they plated them on the biggest chunks of crockery they'd been able to find. She'd learned three very important things about the Advocate over the past couple of days rooming together in this weird little hovel they were currently calling a home:

One, they were the sort of person who woke up early;

Two, they were the sort of person who woke up perky;

And three – "Perfect!" Smiler declared as they checked the status of everyone's tea, before stirring a spoonful each of the sugar and milk the Weeping Lady had allowed them along with the balls into a beaker and handing it to her – they made the best godsdamned cup of tea she had ever tasted, so she was willing to forgive them items one and two. She took a long, grateful sip, sighing as the heat penetrated her bones. "Seriously, I don't know how you do this," she said, staring into the cup. "Tea from a beaker with day-old goat's milk should not be this nice."

"Oh, I've had plenty of practice in figuring out just how long a mixture should sit before you add anything to it," Smiler said with a breezy grin. "And honestly, we're just lucky the stones in this place stay as cold as they do – otherwise I'd be serving you cheese in your glass."

"That – probably would not be nearly as nice, no."

A groan from the doorway signaled the arrival of Victor, slouching in looking like he'd been freshly Hollowed. "Happy Numbers!" Smiler greeted him, dumping rather a lot more milk and sugar into Victor's cup and stirring it up. "How'd you sleep?"

"Wargle," Victor mumbled, seeking the counter for support.

"It was a very 'wargle' Names," Alice agreed, scooting over a bit so he could stand beside her. "Though I thought you would have done better on the actual bed."

Victor laughed softly. "I – I suppose I did," he said, blinking a few times before pinching his nose. "I just – I d-don't sleep well in strange places. Or – just in general, honestly. I'll be fine."

"Here – this'll help keep you on your feet," Smiler said, handing over the cup. They grabbed a random "plate" and offered it to Victor. "This too."

Victor wrinkled his nose at the loaf. "Oh," he muttered, taking it. "I forgot we had more of this."

"It's not that bad," Alice lied, accepting her portion from Smiler. "And it's not like you can be picky, under the current circumstances."

"I know...and it's not silverflake on toast, at least," Victor added in tones of deep derision. "Why my father loves that so much, I will never understand."

"Well, it only makes sense for someone so famous for his cannery to love fish of all descriptions, doesn't it?" Smiler said, snagging the final beaker and doctoring it up with the remaining milk and sugar.

"Yes, I – I just wish he didn't insist I love them so much."

"You are his heir," Alice reminded him. "It's probably in his best interest if you look like you adore fish as much as he does."

"Though it would be nice if he took as much of an interest in what makes you happy as he did in what makes him happy," Smiler said, sipping their tea. They nodded in approval and claimed the final slice of surprise loaf. "But we're not here to discuss your parents – we're here to discuss Dr. Angus Bumby, apparently the most horrible person in all of Duskwall! And what we're planning to do to fix that!"

"Right, yes." Victor took a solid swig of his tea, sighing. "Oh, I did need that...so – a-are we still sneaking in through the kitchen door and going after his ledger?"

"That is the current plan, yes," Alice said, taking a bite of surprise loaf. It crunched anxiously in her mouth as she chewed. "I've been in and out of that door a thousand times – I'm sure I can get us inside without any trouble. Provided he's not standing on the other side of it, of course."

"Of course...but – w-won't there be someone else in the kitchen?" Victor asked, biting his lip. "I know you said that you were the only one cooking and cleaning when you were there, but – is it possible Dr. Bumby's hired someone else by now? How long have you been away?"

"I'm – unfortunately not sure," Alice admitted, dislodging a bit of centipede from her molars with her tongue. "Time doesn't pass the same in Wonderland as it does in reality – I believe it took me days to get through the Vale of Tears and Hatter's Domain, but I traveled the length and breadth of both the frozen wastes of Tundraful and the dark waters of the Deluded Depths in the course of an hour, if that."

"And what a fantabulous hour it was! Full of chills, thrills, and not to mention spills!" Carpenter declared, beaming.

"Yes, because you'd spilled the blood and entrails of your audience all over the back of your theater." Alice shook her head. "Anyway – I'd wager it's been at least a month since I last set foot in Houndsditch. So it is quite possible Dr. Bumby has been forced to employ someone else to wrangle the children and make the dinners. We might want to plan our approach so it's not near a mealtime, to lessen our chance of running into them."

"Smart thinking," Smiler said, chomping into their own loaf chunk. They held up a finger as they chewed. "How about the children? How many were there before Wonderland called you away?"

"Eight – and I'm really hoping they're all still there," Alice said, tapping a foot. "If you're asking if it's likely we'll run into one of them – well, it's far from impossible. They're not exactly encouraged to stray far from the house, as you might imagine. But on the other hand, they do tend to keep to their own little groups, playing with their toys in their rooms and making up games in the front foyer and regarding grown-ups as necessary annoyances, so – it shouldn't be too hard to sneak past them, if it comes to that."

"Do you think they'd tell on us if they saw us sneaking around?" Victor asked, picking up his slice of loaf and regarding it with a "do I really want to eat this" grimace.

"Depends on the child – Charlie could be swayed to keep his mouth shut, I bet. While Ollie or Abigail…" Alice shrugged. "We'll see if and when it happens. I don't have the worst track record at getting them to listen to me, at least."

"All right." Victor forced himself to take a bite, pulling some very amusing faces as he chewed. "Ugh...w-what about your things?"

Alice blinked. "My things?"

"...don't you have anything you want to take from your room?"

"You must have clothes, at least," Smiler agreed, frowning at her from over their beaker. "We'll have to get those before we do anything else."

"I know you find that green dress a monstrosity unfit for even the darkest dressing rooms, and I tend to agree, but – well, your current costuming could do with a wash that isn't a dip in Sweetwater Canal," Carpenter added, waving a hand in front of his nose.

"That's – that's a good point," Alice admitted reluctantly, glancing down at her now-incredibly-dingy black-and-white-striped blouse and black skirt. "My room's on the first floor, though – and almost right across from the main foyer. We'd run a decent risk of being found if we went rummaging through it." She examined her surprise loaf, looking for a spot that didn't seem so gritty. "And that's before we consider the possibility that Bumby's just chucked everything I own now that I've apparently wandered off for good."

"We should at least check," Smiler insisted, swallowing another bite and chasing it down with some tea. "You deserve to have your belongings if they're still there." They grinned encouragingly. "We've got that old bag we found behind Elder Gutknecht's podium yesterday – it certainly seems big enough to fit a few dresses and corsets and such!"

"Heh – I don't have that much in the way of clothing," Alice told them with a small, sad smile. "Pris Witless was not exactly the most generous of souls when she outfitted me post-Rutledge. I've got the one spare dress, a couple of petticoats, and two sets of combinations to go with what I'm currently wearing. Hardly a wardrobe that needs much space." She nibbled her lip thoughtfully as she pictured her room at Houndsditch, the green wallpaper crawling up the wall before her. "It would be nice to get my diary, though...and the portrait of my family off the wall, if we can fit it."

Victor blinked. "You have a family portrait? In – in Houndsditch?"

"I'm as confused as you, trust me, but yes," Alice said. "A mysterious benefactor sent it to me shortly after I arrived there – I've never been able to track down who. Perhaps a colleague of my father, who felt guilty and managed to find something in the wreckage of our home, or perhaps our old lawyer Radcliffe, who had a spare picture lying around and refused to take credit for a good deed. Either way, Bumby surprisingly let me keep it – though, remembering what I remember now, he probably just wanted to see Lizzie again," she added bitterly. "In a form that couldn't actually refuse him."

"We'll get it away from him," Smiler promised. "You should have what's left of your family close."

"You should," Victor agreed – then turned his head toward the far wall. "Oh, and speaking of close – Elder Gutknecht is coming down. He must have heard that we were up."

"Ah – thank you for the warning," Alice said, having another sip of tea. "It wouldn't do for him to come out of the wall and immediately get a beaker to the – well, I guess it would go through his face…"

"Please do not throw the very nice beakers from the very nice alchemy bench, no," Smiler said, cradling theirs against their chest. "But it is very handy to have someone who always knows where the ghosts are. We still need to figure out just how big your range is," they added to Victor with an intrigued grin. "We know it's about to the top of the tower vertically, and you sensed Gutknecht's presence when we were still out on the street…"

"Barely," Victor said, taking his surprise loaf and dunking it in his tea. "Perhaps that'll improve it...I did ask Elder Gutknecht about it while I was helping him alphabetize the books behind his podium yesterday," he added. "He told me that I wasn't the first Whisper to get a 'ghost mind,' and that most of them could sense ghosts about six feet in any direction...but he also admitted that he hadn't heard of any of them spending an entire day in the ghost field. Or accidentally m-marrying a ghost bride and having her dog their steps almost the entire time. So he's pretty sure my range is much larger."

"That tower is pretty tall, so I would guess so," Alice said, also giving her loaf a dunk – it couldn't make the taste any worse. "I suppose there's nothing stopping us from doing an experiment or two – though we may have to see if that library has a measuring tape somewhere first."

"I believe there's one tucked away in a drawer somewhere."

Elder Gutknecht came floating through the wall, smiling rather paternally at them all. "Some of the rituals I performed required quite precisely-drawn shapes and runes, so having a ruler of some sort was rather necessary," he continued. "Unfortunately, I don't recall where I might have put it...it's up there somewhere."

"Oh, don't worry about it – it's fun poking around and finding all the odds and ends you've stashed all over the place," Smiler assured him with a grin. "Remember the fifty foot of rope we found tucked under a cabinet our first Names here?"

"I do, and I wish I remembered why I bought it," Elder Gutknecht confessed, chuckling as he scratched his head. "I'm sure I had a good reason."

"Well, rope is just handy to have around, I guess," Alice said, trying her tea-softened loaf. "Mmm...not really that much better...perhaps we could use it to tie Bumby up before dragging him off before a magistrate."

"Perhaps." Elder Gutknecht gave her a calculating look. "You've settled on taking his ledger over straight-up murder, then?"

"More or less – I do very much want to expose him for the evil he's done," Alice nodded. "Seeing the man spend the rest of his life with his body in the rice fields of Ironhook and his soul building boats on the Docks would please me greatly. But – if he ends up in our way, and I have the opportunity…" She set her tea down on the counter in favor of pulling the electroplasm bomb out of her pocket. "I won't hesitate."

"We wouldn't want you to," Smiler said, as serious as she'd ever seen them. "I'm the one who initially suggested we kill him, remember?"

"I didn't stop Emily with Barkis – I won't stop you with him," Victor agreed, tone equally grim. "He deserves it."

"Yes, even I will admit that's fair enough," Gutknecht allowed. "I just hope it doesn't come to that – murder is not a thing to be taken lightly, no matter how vile the victim."

"I promise you, I'm not intending to make it a habit," Alice said, tucking the bomb away again. "At least not outside of Wonderland, where my enemies don't leave ghosts and generally aren't human anyway. And can be brought back if circumstances demand," she added, glancing at the corner where Hatter had set up his tea table with the March Hare and the Dormouse.

"We appreciate you not leaving us to drown in tea forever, lass," Hare told her, electricity leaping between his ears as he downed a fresh cup.

"Though as deaths go, it's preferable to one's head getting blown up," Hatter added, rubbing his neck.

"Quite – my death was most delicious indeed!" Dormy said, flicking his tail cheerfully.

"Well, I'm glad it had that going for it...point is, the maximum amount of murders I want to commit is one," she continued, turning back to Elder Gutknecht. "I shall strenuously avoid adding to the ghost population after that." She lightly nudged Victor. "If only for Master Van Dort's sake here."

"I would very much appreciate having fewer ghosts in my vicinity," Victor said, before sinking his teeth into his surprise loaf again. He pulled a few faces as he chewed and swallowed. "It really isn't any better with the tea...you really eat this all the time?" he added, looking between Alice and Smiler.

"Well, not all the time, but it's convenient when there's nothing else in the cupboard," Alice told him.

"And we don't even have those here," Smiler added, glancing at the blank wall over the counter.

"Some enterprising individual with a crowbar took those away right before those ridiculous 'Swatters' showed up," Gutknecht informed them. "I was rather impressed at how easily they removed the lot – I'd thought they were rather solidly constructed."

"I would argue there's simply little that can deter a truly determined looter," Alice responded with a slight shrug. "Anyway – let's finish breakfast, then gather up everything we think we'll need on our little raid. Do we want to head there before or after Six?"

"The sooner we strike, the sooner he's no longer a problem, but...well, do the children have a schedule?" Smiler asked, waving their remaining chunk of loaf around. "Something they do at a particular time of day that might keep Bumby and any help he's hired busy?"

"Hmmm – they're generally let loose to play in the courtyard beside the house after lunch – around the Eighth Hour or so," Alice said thoughtfully, recalling shooing the rabble out the door. "And they like to stay out as long as they can get, provided the weather isn't awful. Perhaps we should try our invasion around the Ninth Hour, then? I think that'll maximize our chances of not running into anyone."

"That's fine with me – certainly gives us plenty of time to prepare." Victor looked at his breakfast and wrinkled his nose. "And m-maybe find something nicer for lunch."

"Mmm – it's a shame Mr. Dibbler generally sets up shop in Silkshore, otherwise I'd suggest introducing you to his famous rat-and-cheese noodles," Alice said with a cheeky little smile. "Priced so cheap it's like cutting his own throat."

"Don't worry, Victor, we'll find something suitable," Smiler assured him. "If nothing else, the Arms Of The Weeping Lady will give us another bowl of mushroom soup. Much like Madame Sharpe, they've always got a pot of that bubbling away."

"That sounds very nice indeed right now." Victor shook his head. "I-I'm sorry, I don't really mean to c-complain so much–"

"You're not complaining as much as any rich person stuck in Six Towers really ought," Alice cut in. "It's fine – we understand that you're used to a higher standard of living. And we'll get you back to it soon enough. But you did volunteer to help with this."

"I know, and I stand by that," Victor said. "It's just…" He grimaced at the remaining bit of loaf on his plate. "Once I'm home, and the – i-incident with Barkis is all cleared up, I'm going to talk to my father. See if there's anything we can do to help more with getting people actual good food. I know we do excellent business with the canned fish, and I'm sure it helps people, but – you all deserve more than just some silverflake or eel or pufferfish shoved in a tin."

"We'd appreciate it – and if you need any help bringing him around on the idea, I'd be happy to talk to him," Smiler said with one of their trademark buck-toothed grins. "The Advocates are all for helping the poor get more to eat! We have a little radiant garden at Headquarters, along with the standard mushroom farm, and we regularly give away any spare produce we have. It's not as much as we'd like, but it helps!"

"Every little bit," Alice nodded. "I wish you luck with that endeavor, Victor, I really do. Making sure the children always had three filling meals could be a most unfortunate chore sometimes."

"I'll see about getting him to at least send some cans over to Houndsditch," Victor promised, picking up the remainder of his loaf. "Once Dr. Bumby is no longer in the picture, of – oh!"

Victor jerked backward, dropping the chunk on the floor. "There's – t-there's something twitching in there!" he cried, backing up a step.

"What?" Smiler crouched down for a look. "Oh – yeah, that's half a caterpillar. I've heard that if you don't chop them up fine enough, they just don't die."

"There's – they put–" Victor swallowed, face faintly green. "I – I – I'm s-sorry, I – I can't finish that."

Rawk!

Alice looked over as a raven appeared at the window, landing on the sill and regarding them all with interest. "It's all right – I think we have someone here who will finish it for you," she told Victor.

"Hmm? Oh, hi! I recognize you!" Smiler greeted the bird, standing back up with a smile. "You're the one who helped me find the rope in the library! Still trying to decide what to make of us, huh?"

"You can tell them apart?" Victor said, blinking as his nausea was replaced with confusion.

"Well, this one anyway – it's newly fledged," Smiler said, picking up the surprise loaf from the floor. "See, it still has some baby feathers near the tops of its wings. It's really friendly too – though that's probably because I keep feeding it," they added with a laugh. They offered the chunk to the raven. "Here – I bet you don't mind a caterpillar in your food, right?"

The raven did not, hopping onto Smiler's wrist and pecking eagerly at the loaf. "Glad someone in this house likes that horrible loaf," Alice said, glancing at hers with suspicion. "I'm not sure how much I want the rest of mine now."

"I'm sure the other ravens wouldn't mind finishing it off for you," Elder Gutknecht said with a chuckle. He glanced at Victor. "Perhaps you could all help me catalog some more of my books instead? While your stomachs settle?"

"I would be only too happy to," Victor said, downing the rest of his tea in one long swallow. "Please, lead the way."

"Wait for us – I wanted to have a root around there one more time anyway," Smiler said, petting the raven's head before gently depositing both loaf and bird on the windowsill. "We've already found so many interesting things up there – who knows what else might be useful?"

"Indeed – we'll be up to help catalog and search shortly," Alice said, deciding to risk any wigglies in her food and finishing off her own surprise loaf in one big bite. She washed it down with the last of her tea and set both plate and beaker aside so she could dust her hands on her apron. "And then lunch, and then – we go destroy a man's life. Figuratively at the least." She ran a hand over her bulging pocket, feeling the shape of the bomb within. And – if I'm really lucky – literally too.

Chapter Text

"And here we are – the back door into the kitchen of the Houndsditch Home For Wayward Youth."

Alice ran her fingers through her hair, then turned to her companions, both real and imaginary. "Once we go inside, I'm not coming out until the ledger is in our possession, Bumby is dead, or both," she continued, folding her arms. "So – last chance for anyone to back out."

"Not a chance," Smiler told her, folding their arms right back at her. "We've come this far – I'll be seeing it through to the end. If only to make sure that happiness-killing bastard gets his."

"Exactly," Victor nodded, adjusting the strap of the bag slung over his shoulder. "I think it would be especially rude for me to leave now – you didn't back out when we arrived at the Everglot mansion. I'm not going anywhere except inside with you."

Warmth surged up Alice's breastbone, making her heart go a little mushy around the edges. Bloody hell – I never thought I'd actually have anyone believe me unconditionally like this, she thought with a tiny smile. Not to mention want to help me with such a dangerous task! Who else would have assisted me so readily?

"Ahem."

Alice's gaze slid left, where a certain Gryphon was seated regally beside Smiler. Right – my apologies, Gryphon, she thought in his direction. I should have specified that I was talking about flesh and blood people. Who walk about on two legs instead of four.

"And who can't fly you to safety should it all go wrong," Gryphon added, tone cheeky as his tail twitched behind him. He gave Smiler and Victor an appraising look. "But they are stalwart companions nonetheless, and should serve as fine soldiers in this fight." He puffed up his feathers, bright against the shadows of the tall rickety buildings shading the alleyway. "And hopefully, they're a little more resistant to the jaws that bite and the claws that catch than I was."

The Jabberwock is extremely dead and gone, so neither they nor you need to worry, Alice assured him. Though Bumby isn't much better as an opponent...any last-minute words of wisdom, Commander?

"Never commit to a plan you cannot change," Gryphon counseled, spreading his wings. "And always let those under you do what they do best. Your talents with a blade are unmatched, true, but these two have their skills as well. Let them use them, if they can."

Noted. Alice took a deep breath, turning back toward the old familiar battered gray door. "All right then," she murmured, grasping the knob and giving it a turn. "In we go."

To her relief, the door opened without any issue – and even better, Dr. Bumby was not standing on the other side of it, as she'd quietly feared ever since mentioning the possibility at breakfast. Instead, the kitchen loomed large before them, empty and still. Alice stepped inside, looking around for any surprises. Most everything seemed the same – there was the large worktable in the middle for putting together the meals, sporting its fair share of nicks and dings; there were the counters along the side wall for extra prep space, with cabinets underneath to store all manner of kitchen equipment; over in the corner was the large porcelain sink, stained with the remains of dozens upon dozens of dinners; there was the icebox on the opposite wall, tucked away into its own little nook; and much further along, there was the oven, standing black and proud on the stone slabs. But – "Everything looks a lot cleaner than it did before," she noted, walking toward the worktable and squinting at it. "Mmm – someone's definitely given this a thorough scrub."

"Well, you want the kitchen to be clean, don't you?" Smiler said, following her in and taking their own look around. "We spend a decent amount of time at the MOJ keeping ours spic and span."

"Yes, but I never had the time – nor the inclination, if I'm honest – to get it this nice," Alice admitted. "And I somehow doubt that Bumby's developed a love for cleaning while I've been away." She went over to the archway that led into the dry goods room and poked her head inside. "And this is more organized than it's ever been. Which all suggests to me that Victor's previous speculation was right – Bumby has hired someone else to take over my duties now that I'm missing, presumed devil-cursed and out of whatever mind I had left." She grimaced. "Hopefully they're not as vile as he is. I'd hate to think that I condemned the children to dealing with two monsters."

"If they are, we'll find a way to deal with them too," Victor said firmly. "Come on, let's go up and–"

"Oh!"

Alice whipped around as Victor gasped and Smiler started. Standing at the opposite end of the room, at the top of the steps leading up into Houndsditch proper, was an equally-startled-looking woman in a green blouse and green-and-white-checked skirt. A woman that Alice was quite sure she'd never seen before, because she was certain she would have remembered that combination of Severos-dark skin, Skovlan-fair hair, and a chin that jutted out about about twice the length of the poor woman's face. "Uh – hello," she greeted the trio, absently twisting the edge of her apron (which Alice did recognize as one of her old spares) in her hands. "I – wasn't expecting any deliveries today. Who are you?"

Shit shit shit – Alice's eyes met Victor's, sharing a brief, panicked glance. All right, Alice, what's a good lie – we're, uh, raising money for charity? We were hoping for some spare food? We're lost and need directions? Damn it, this is not one of my strong points –

"Hi!"

Alice blinked as Smiler strode straight toward the mystery woman, grinning brighter than the moon. "I'm Smiler Alton, of the Advocates!" they introduced themselves, sticking out their hand the moment they were close enough – the woman took it, apparently compelled by the sheer force of their charisma. "These are my associates, Victor and Ally! I'm sorry, we seem to have come in the wrong door – we're here to speak to Dr. Bumby!"

"Oh! Ah – what – what about?" the woman asked, blinking.

"Why, a collaboration between himself and the Advocates!" Smiler declared, smile never faltering. "We've heard so much about the good work he does with the children of Charhollow, and we'd like to offer our services to assist in his endeavors! We're all about happiness, after all – and I'm sure he wants his charges to be as happy as possible when they leave this place for their new homes!" They tapped their chest with their thumb, tilting their head up proudly. "I myself am quite the alchemist, so if he needs someone to help compound medications or come up with new formulas, I'd be thrilled to volunteer myself for the role! Anything to help the children!"

Oh, by the gods – Smiler, I'm certain you're overselling this, Alice thought, resisting the urge to shove her face into her hand. This isn't like peddling your Joy Serum to the passing masses of humanity on some street corner in Silkshore! Surely a gentler touch is needed in a situation like this?

"Miss Hammerhead, suggesting that someone use a different tool?" Hatter pointed out, rather snidely. "Besides, if you paid just a bit more attention, you'd see they're doing just fine with the one they're using."

And indeed, the woman's face had just broken out in a smile of her own. "Oh, that's so kind of you!" she said brightly, cupping Smiler's hand with hers. "I'm sure Dr. Bumby would be delighted to have your assistance! It's rather a lot to keep up with, what with just the two of us here...and I don't think it helps that my predecessor apparently just, ah, wandered off the job," she added, shaking her head. "Poor dear – Dr. Bumby told me she'd been doing quite poorly, and that he didn't have high hopes for her return...I do hope she hasn't gotten hurt. Or hurt anyone else."

"I'm sure some kind soul has taken her in," Smiler told her, shooting Alice a cheeky wink. "Anyway, yes, we didn't expect this door to lead into the kitchen. I don't suppose you could point us to Dr. Bumby's office, Miss…?"

"June," the woman provided. "June Thatcher. And yes – you want to go out the door here, then go immediately left down the hall toward the stairs. Once you're at the top, you want to go all the way down and around the corner – his room is the farthest one down, past all the bedrooms." She patted their hand. "I'd lead you up there myself, but I have to get a start on dinner, I'm afraid – the children requested eel pies, and if I don't start on the crust now…"

"Oh, of course, it's fine – can't leave the little ones with empty bellies!" Smiler nodded. "We'll be able to find it, I'm sure. Thank you so much for your help!" They gave her hand a final shake, then opened the door behind her. "Come on, Victor, Ally! Mustn't keep the good doctor waiting!"

"Of course not," Victor said, plastering on a grin. "Thank you!"

"Smile always!" Alice added, straining to sound as chipper as possible.

June giggled. "Thank you – and feel free to stay for dinner too, if you wish! I've got plenty of eel, and I don't mind making extra."

"We'll see what happens," Smiler said, with a tip of their cap. "For now, onward!" They held open the door and beckoned Victor and Alice through. "After you!"

Victor nodded and hurried past them, Alice right on his heels. The moment Smiler shut the door, he let out a deep whoosh of a sigh and flopped against the wall. "Oh dear...how – how do you do that?" he demanded, staring at them.

"Do what?" Smiler asked, looking honestly confused.

"Just – l-leap right into a conversation like that and make everyone like you!" Victor's hands flailed randomly in front of him. "I-I don't – I've never been able to do that! I always t-trip over my t-tongue and make an utter f-fool of myself whenever I try to talk to people!"

"I'm not much better, but that's more because I'm likely to start talking to something that isn't really there mid-conversation," Alice agreed. "Or find myself unable to resist making a pointed comment or two if someone annoys me...that was one hell of a speech," she added. "I couldn't have pretended I wanted to partner with Bumby if you'd paid me a dozen Coin."

"Oh, I was dying inside the entire time I was saying it, trust me," Smiler said, their grin rather more brittle than normal. "But the Advocates would want to help children in an orphanage be happier, so it was an easy lie. And, well, I've always just liked talking to people," they added to Victor. "I was a little isolated as a child, so I'm making up for lost time now." Their smile widened, brightening back to usual levels. "It's so electrifying to get to know someone for the first time – learn what they like and dislike, what makes them tick, how best to be their friend! I love it! I'd be friends with the whole city if I could!"

"...I – I much prefer hiding in my room with a good book," Victor confessed, blinking rapidly as he clearly tried and failed to get his brain around the idea of being friends with everyone in Duskwall. He shook his head hard. "S-speaking of which – where's your room, Alice?"

"Down this way, toward the front foyer," Alice said, happy enough to get them on the move before June could overhear any of their conversation and get suspicious. She led her companions down the hall to the right, keeping an eye out for wandering children. "I mean, I don't know that it's my room anymore, not with what June just said about Dr. Bumby not having 'high hopes' for me coming back, but – it'll be a place to start?"

"Mmm – and if it's not your room anymore, we'll just have to see if we can find out where your things went," Smiler said with a nod.

"Well, a lot of the children's old belongings get stuffed under the stairs – which probably should had sparked my suspicions earlier, but never mind about that now – so I guess we could check there if need be," Alice said with a little shrug. "We'll be going up them anyway."

"That's convenient," Victor said – then blinked as they reached the end of the hall. "Er – does – d-does that cross-stitch really say 'Earn Your Keep?'"

"It does," Alice said, glaring at it. "I always thought it was a bit of a mean joke, to come out right after Embers and see it hanging there right before I had to start my chores for the day. Now, knowing what he's doing to the children...well, I'm not quite at the point of wanting to throw it in a fire, but…"

Smiler reached out and flipped it around. "There – that'll have to do for now," they declared, then looked at the door beside them. "So this is yours?"

"It was before, anyway – just a second." Alice took a few steps to the right and peeped into the front foyer. "Nothing, good...all right, then," she continued, returning. "Let's see if my past is still present." She grabbed the knob and turned it –

And opened the door to see the room she'd lived in for roughly a year, covered in a decently-thick layer of dust. It didn't appear to have been touched since her sudden disappearance, left to molder as a sort of weird snapshot of her time in Houndsditch. There was the threadbare red rug on the floor, barely enough to keep her feet from freezing in the early hours; there was her iron-framed bed across from the door, with its thin sheets and blanket; there were the children's pictures of Wonderland above it, crude sketches of everything from the Card Guards to the mazes in Queen Of Hearts Land; there was the meager bookcase at the foot of the bed, sporting the world's saddest collection of books; there was the creaky old wardrobe in the corner, with her busted umbrella beside it keeping it company; there was the crooked cupboard on the wall to her left, door still hanging slightly askew; and there was – "Oh, of course you'd dust that," Alice grumbled, seeing Lizzie's pristine face gazing out at her from the far left wall.

"What?" Victor asked from behind her.

"Nothing, just – the bastard certainly had his priorities straight," Alice said, heading toward her family portrait and wiping the dust away from the rest of the faces with her sleeve. She turned toward her companions with a strained smile, spreading her arms wide. "Anyway – welcome to my humble abode."

Smiler stepped in, taking in their surroundings with a furrowed brow. "Rather – small," they noted after a moment.

"Mmm – this isn't even half the size of my room at home," Victor agreed, following them.

"Houndsditch has to be rather more economical with its space than the Van Dort mansion, I suspect," Alice told him, making him blush. "But you're right, it's rather more than just humble. If not for my drawings and the photograph, this could pass for my room at the asylum."

"Really?" Smiler pulled a face and shook their head. "Well, we'd better get you out of it as soon as possible, then. You don't need to be reminded of that horrible place while we're on this mission. Or ever again, frankly."

"Mmm – I'd love to run from my memories, but – that's kind of the reason I didn't catch onto Bumby sooner," Alice sighed, running her fingers through her hair. "But I certainly don't need any of Rutledge cluttering up my mind right now, that's for sure." She turned and headed for her wardrobe. "Here – let's start with getting my clothes, then we can see what else fits in our little sack."

"Sounds good," Victor said, following her and holding open the bag. His gaze drifted back toward the portrait as she loaded in her spare dress and underthings. "So – that's your family?"

"Yes – back when we were all among the living," Alice said, glancing over herself. "Papa, Mama, Lizzie, and me. I'm the small one with the toy rabbit, in case that needed to be cleared up."

Victor chuckled. "I'd guessed." His eyes flicked between her and Lizzie. "You – do look quite like your sister, though."

"Really – I can see why you made that joke about being twins born ten years apart," Smiler added. They gave her a smile. "You all look like a happy family, though."

"We were," Alice said, melancholy coloring her tones. "Up until I was eight years old, I lived a life of ease and pleasure. Perhaps not my every whim was indulged, but Mama and Papa were fairly permissive, and Lizzie as much of a playmate as she could be given the age difference. They loved me dearly, and I loved them." She swallowed, a sudden lump in her throat. "And then, one Names – it was all taken away."

Victor made a motion like he wanted to pat her on the shoulder. "I'm sorry. I really am. What happened to you was – absolutely terrible."

"It was," Smiler agreed, surprisingly serious. "No child should be deprived of their childhood like that."

"They shouldn't," Alice said softly. "But it happens nonetheless." She sighed. "Still – thank you, both of you. It – it means a lot to me to have someone actually express their sympathy for what happened these days. Usually people just look at me as if I'm a bomb waiting to go off."

"Well, having lived with you for two days, I think we can safely say that you have a longer fuse than most people think," Smiler said, approaching the portrait. They glanced back at her over their shoulder. "You want me to…?"

"Please," Alice nodded, packing down the last petticoat in the bag. "Just – be careful."

Smiler gave her a reassuring grin, then turned and easily lifted the portrait off the wall, leaving an oval patch of darker green among the dingy sea of dust clinging to the wallpaper. Victor opened the mouth of the bag a little wider, and Smiler carefully angled the picture in, frame and all. "There – most important things secured," they declared, dusting their hands. "Now – what else do you want? The bedclothes?"

"Not sure they'd all fit – the bag isn't that big…" Alice studied her bed, then picked up her blanket, gave it a good shake, and rolled it up nice and tight before tucking it in next to the portrait. "There – one more scrap of cloth I can use to cover myself during the Names, at least."

"Better than nothing," Victor agreed. He gestured to her bookshelf and its meager offerings. "What about those?"

"No – I've read them all, and found most of them lacking – they haven't the slightest on the books back in Elder Gutknecht's tower," Alice said, shaking her head. "Though there is something in there I want to take…" She went over and opened the bottom cupboard, then – after a bit of feeling around – found the little nick that allowed her to lift up the bottom panel and extract a certain slim journal from the space below. "My diary," she said in response to Victor and Smiler's questioning looks. "Certainly don't want to leave that for just anyone to find and read."

"Oh, definitely not," Smiler nodded, Victor grimacing at the mere thought. "Pop it in – how about these?" they added, waving at the pictures above her bed. "Are they yours?"

"In the sense that I own them – the children drew them for me," Alice explained. "They liked to doodle all the monsters and such from Wonderland after hearing my stories. Bumby never liked it, but he couldn't stop them. And yes, I do want them," she added, going over to start taking them down. "I may never see any of them again – it would be nice to take something of theirs with me."

"Of course," Victor said, going to help her. He glanced over as he unstuck a scribble of a Club Guard with his spear at the ready. "Though, um, that – that does bring up the question – what happens after we expose Bumby? Or k-kill him?"

"Well, if we kill him without exposing him, I'll take the blame – you two still have a better chance than I do of shaking off that 'murdered a Spirit Warden' charge," Alice said, wiping the dust off a picture of a snarling rook. "Besides, I was half-expecting to get Hollowed at one point or another anyway, so...no great loss. Ideally, though, I'd manage to avoid capture long enough to hide on a train to Whitehollow or Wintercliff."

"We'd prefer that too," Smiler said, smile a bit fixed. They took down a crudely-drawn Gryphon. "But what if we do expose him? And manage to clear our names?"

"I imagine you two would be free and clear then," Alice said, carefully pulling down a picture of a familiar hedge maze with a heart in the center. "Me – they might take the opportunity to throw me back in the asylum. I don't think anyone truly believes I'm better than I was. And if we do kill him – well, then it's back to 'trying to get on one of the cargo trains out of here.' I doubt any employer would welcome a dogsbody who slaughtered her previous master – even if it was in service to a very good cause."

"No, I – I doubt they would either." Victor worried his lip as he removed a sketch of the Jabberwock. "But I h-hope it doesn't come to that. I'd miss you if you left."

"I would too," Smiler said, taking a quick glance at the door to check for eavesdroppers. "Which means it's a good thing that there's a third option – the very one we've been taking advantage of all this time! Why don't you just go and stay at Elder Gutknecht's place after all this is done? We're the only three who can get through the renewed wards – you could disappear in there and wait for the heat, however much there is, to die down! I'm sure Elder Gutknecht wouldn't mind the company – he hasn't so far!"

"He has been a most gracious host," Alice agreed, taking down a drawing of the White Knight leaning on his lance. "But his house – not so much. You've lived there with me the past couple of days, Smiler – you know it's not exactly fit for human habitation. The sinks still don't produce water; there's no way for a fugitive to cook a meal or warm herself; and that toilet you found isn't actually hooked up to anything thanks to having been delivered the same day Gutknecht died."

"Well, that's where Victor and I come in!" Smiler retorted, refusing to abandon their optimism. "I'm sure, working together, we could figure out how to get you running water and a way to heat the place. And cooking's easy – we just have to scrub that cauldron, and you could make all the soup you want! And as for the toilet...well, the sewer's just outside. Maybe all we have to do is dig a hole."

Victor wrinkled his nose. "I – I think connecting it would be a bit harder than that?"

"Depends on how well the sewer's been maintained," Smiler said breezily, plucking an image of Rabbit shaking his watch from the wall. "You yourself said it stunk."

"It did, so p-perhaps we should be wary of putting more waste into it." Victor looked over at Alice as he took down a picture of Hatter, enormous hat running off the edge of the paper. "That being said – I'm with Smiler. I'd be more than willing to help you turn that house into something livable."

Alice tilted her head at him. "I would have sworn that you would have been ready to just run back home to your nice, warm, clean bed after all this business was sorted."

"Oh, I do miss my own room, I won't lie," Victor confessed with an awkward chuckle. "But...I was rather isolated too, growing up," he continued, glancing over her head at Smiler. "And while I'm sure I didn't mind it as much as you, I – I did rather feel the lack of friends. All I had as a child was my dog, and when he died…" He rubbed the back of his neck with his free hand. "I'd – I'd just like to keep in touch with you both. I-if you want to, of course."

"I'd love to!" Smiler said immediately, beaming. "You can never have too many friends!"

"I think that's a very subjective measurement...but I wouldn't be opposed either," Alice admitted, allowing herself a smile. "It's been incredibly nice to have someone listen to me and not immediately dismiss everything I say as nonsense. Or babble nonsense right back at me, frankly," she added, shooting a frown at the various Wonderlanders crowded around her.

"You say that as if you haven't answered every riddle I've ever asked," Cheshire retorted from the foot of the bed, grinning cheekily at her as he lounged.

"That's because all you do is ask riddles. Or turn invisible to confound me."

"Mmm – you see why I wanted his head chopped off?" the Queen of Hearts asked, poking her with a tentacle.

"No, Your Majesty, that part I very much still do not see."

Victor looked between her and the Queen – or, rather, the empty space she knew she was actually addressing. "Every time you do this, I feel like I'm ignoring someone else in the room," he mumbled.

"Sorry – I'm just too used to speaking to my imaginary friends aloud," Alice said, going a little red as the Queen stuck her tongue out at Victor. "Habit from childhood I never got the chance to outgrow."

"I just wish I could hear the other side of the conversation," Smiler said, examining her scalp. "You seem to have such interesting ones inside your head."

"If 'interesting' is your new word for 'annoying,' then yes, I do." Alice accepted the pictures from Victor and Smiler, smoothed them flat, then tucked them all in her diary to keep them that way before stowing it in the bag. "But that's neither here nor there, at least for now. Much as I appreciate your help – and it is much – we have to finish what we started before we can worry about what comes next."

"True," Smiler nodded, clapping their hands together. "So – anything else you want from here before we go give Bumby a bad day? The umbrella? Anything in the cupboard?"

"The cupboard's empty – I'm not taking cobwebs with me," Alice replied. "And the umbrella got broken during one of my fits, I'm afraid – I smashed it against my wardrobe when I thought the latter had turned into the Duchess."

"Which is very insulting," the Duchess said, sniffing. "It hasn't a fifth of my beauty."

"Since you gave me your Pepper Grinder to slay my foes with, I'll let you have that," Alice informed her, getting a cutting look in return. "But yes, I'd say we're done here."

"All right." Victor snapped the bag closed and adjusted the strap over his shoulder. "Upward?"

Alice nodded. "Upward."

Chapter Text

"Upward," fortunately, proved to be a rather easy direction to go in – the hallway was still clear when they exited Alice's room, and remained so as they backtracked to the kitchen door, then headed left toward the stairs. Smiler paused a moment as they passed a side table, examining the Doskvol Illustrated lying there. "'Fire In The Drop In Crow's Foot – Ten Missing, Presumed Dead,'" they read, frowning. "Well, that's sad! Hopefully the others at the MOJ already know and have sent some people over."

"To look for survivors, or to peddle more of your Joy Serum?" Alice had to ask.

"Both," Smiler replied, catching up with her and Victor at the foot of the stairs. "And offer food, give out blankets, encourage people to pray to Mar-Mal – whatever we think will improve happiness the most at any given time! It's all about easing burdens and opening people's hearts to joy."

"Mmm – well, I'd recommend they bring along some actual doctors, and not just anyone who can mix up a bit of Spark or bend people's lips upward," Alice told them as they started their ascent. "Burns and smoke inhalation are no joke." She rubbed her shoulder, doing her best to ignore the ghostly flames crawling up the banister with them. "Take it from someone who knows."

"Oh, of course – we have plenty of physickers," Smiler assured her. "And all of us know how to treat simple wounds, at least. Keeping people happy means keeping them healthy too, you know!"

"I see...you lot seem to have your fingers in every pie imaginable," Alice commented, looking over at them as they rounded the first landing, past the deeply ironic "Home Safe Home" cross-stitch hanging on the wall. "From growing food to selling drugs to helping with disasters. Is there anything an Advocate can't do?"

"Well, if you want to keep people in this city even reasonably happy, you need to know how to react to any and every situation they might find themselves in," Smiler pointed out. "I mean, we've all got our strengths, but we try to have every avenue covered! Plus, the more places we can go, the farther we can spread Mar-Mal's influence!"

"That makes sense – so, will your fellow Advocates just, um, s-show up in The Drop with whatever they think people will need?" Victor asked as they continued up.

"More or less," Smiler nodded. "I'm sure someone will make sure that there's a properly-consecrated shelter put up as a base of operations, but after that – it'll just be going around seeing who needs what and putting as many smiles on faces as possible!"

Victor blinked. "Consecrated? How?"

"With Mar-Mal's mark, of course! You remember that big swirly-eyed smiley face on the side of the Ministry?" Smiler said, grinning and swirling their finger through the air in demonstration. "That's the official sign of Mar-Mal, and the main way they interact with this world. We paint it on every building we claim as ours, and know that they're watching over us through it!"

"As long as you aren't – actually, wait, perhaps you should put it in the bathrooms then," Alice corrected herself with a little smirk. "Make Mar-Mal realize that part of being alive and happy is being able to shit whenever you feel the need."

"Alice!" Victor gasped, scandalized.

"...I'd have to run it past the other Advocates first," Smiler murmured, expression worryingly thoughtful.

"Oh, gods, no, I didn't mean that seriously," Alice said, pinching her nose as they made it to the top of the steps. "Please do not turn your god into a peeping–"

"Alice!"

Alice stopped dead in her tracks, barely noticing Victor stumbling and grabbing at the nearby finial in an attempt to not to walk into her, and Smiler catching his arm to steady him. Standing in front of her, balanced on one leg midway through a game of hopscotch, was Abigail, easily the mouthiest of the orphans (not that Alice would say that anywhere Abigail could hear her). "You're back!" she continued, eyes wide in her little pinched face as she dropped her leg. "We thought you were never coming back! Charlie thought you were dead!"

"Well, those reports were greatly exaggerated," Alice said, grimacing. Of course we'd run into her and not one of the ones who at least notionally likes me... She glanced around. "Are you up here by yourself?"

"Yeah – Elsie was being a little bitch about sharing her dolls again," Abigail whined, twining a pigtail around her hand.

"Ah – you – you r-really shouldn't use the word 'b-b-bitch,'" Victor said, in a tone that was far too unsure of itself to be a scold.

Abigail squinted suspiciously at him. "What's it to you? You're not from around here."

"Be nice – he grew up rich, and thus has manners," Alice retorted.

"Then what's he doing here? If he's a toff, he should stay in Brightstone," Abigail declared, going to fold her arms before spotting Smiler. "And who's that then?" she demanded, pointing at them – they favored her with a wave and a smile. "He looks weird."

"They, actually," Smiler corrected her gently. "And I'm Smiler! I'm a friend of Alice's, same as Victor here."

Abigail scrunched up her face disbelievingly. "Alice doesn't have friends."

"This is new to me too, trust me," Alice told her, shaking her head. "Look, they're not coming here to stay – they're just visiting."

"We're on a mission of great importance," Smiler added, offering a thumbs up. "Trying to make all of your lives better and happier!"

"Oh? Good luck with that," Abigail declared, rolling her eyes so hard it was a wonder they didn't pop out and tumble down the hall. She sighed and headed for the stairs behind them. "Guess I'd better go and let Doctor know you're here – he said to tell him right away if you ever–"

"NO!"

Abigail jumped backward, looking up at Alice like she expected a Vorpal Blade to the neck at any moment. Alice swallowed and forced herself to lower her voice. "He doesn't need to know that I'm back just yet," she said, trying to hit the perfect balance between "gentle" and "firm" in her tone. "I'm sure he's quite busy, keeping the rest of you lot wrangled. He'll figure out I'm back soon enough on his own."

"But–"

"It's a surprise, Abigail!" Smiler declared, swooping in and crouching down to meet her gaze. "You like surprises, right? They're fun! I bet Dr. Bumby feels the same way." They winked, grinning to beat the band. "And besides – imagine how funny the expression on his face will be when he comes in later and sees Alice back, just like she never left! You wouldn't want to miss that, would you?"

"It – it would be a once in a lifetime opportunity!" Victor put in, smiling in a most strained way.

"Exactly!" Smiler clapped their hands. "So, what do you say?"

"Please, Abigail – it would mean a lot to me," Alice added, even though she was pretty damn sure she was wasting her breath with that plea.

Abigail considered them all, chewing her lower lip. Then she sighed. "Okay, okay – I won't tell him just yet," she said. "All you do is waste his time anyway – he said so himself."

"Oh, I'm sure he did," Alice grumbled, glowering at the wall as her memories painted pictures of Bumby sighing over her lack of progress on the wallpaper. "But thank you. Why don't you go color for a while now?"

"All right – hopscotch is kinda boring when it's just you," Abigail agreed. She wagged a finger at Alice. "Don't go running off after any invisible rabbits now!"

"No promises," Alice said, watching as Rabbit shook his watch at her from the end of the hall. "But I'll try not to leave the premises." She allowed herself a small smile. "I'm glad you're doing all right, though, Abigail."

"Yeah, I guess I'm glad you're all right too," Abigail admitted. She glanced at Smiler and Victor. "And that you found real person friends."

Alice glanced over at them, and found her smile brightening. "Yes," she murmured. "I am too, actually."

"And we're glad we found her," Smiler said, giving her a fond look. "Anyway, we'd better get back to it – see you later!"

"Have a good after-six," Victor added with a wave.

"Okay!"

With that, Abigail skipped off, into the self-labeled "GIRLS ROOM." The trio watched as she disappeared inside. "...she's going to tell on us the moment she sees Dr. Bumby, isn't she?" Victor noted after a moment.

"Most likely," Alice said, pushing some hair out of her eyes. "But she's not going to tell him right this minute, and that's what counts. And she gave us some extremely useful information in the process."

Victor tilted his head as Smiler gave her a curious look. "Oh?" they asked in unison.

"Yes." Alice looked between the pair. "She tried to go past me to the stairs to get Dr. Bumby. Meaning that, as of this moment – he's not in his office."

Victor let out a little gasp as Smiler's eyes went wide. "Oh!"

"Exactly – so we'd better get a move on," Alice said, heading down the hall as Rabbit breathed a sigh of relief. "We've been handed a golden opportunity here, and I am not about to waste it."

A few moments of almost-but-not-quite running later, they reached the infamous office, tucked away around the bend. Alice tested the door – "Unlocked," she reported as she opened it. "I was a little worried he might have shut up for the day, but apparently not."

"Good – where do you think he is, anyway?" Victor asked, glancing over his shoulder as if he expected the man to suddenly fall out of a wall much like he himself had.

"My best guess is out in the courtyard – someone's got to keep an eye on the children to make sure they don't get hurt, and in his case, he wouldn't want any of his victims escaping." Alice looked around the room, taking in the chaise lounge where she'd had so many unproductive sessions to the left; Bumby's desk, where he'd committed so much quiet evil, in the middle; and the bookcases, which as far as Alice knew hadn't been host to any untoward acts (though she wouldn't be surprised), wrapping around the far right corner. "This hasn't changed a jot either – anyway, I don't know how long he'll be out there, so we'll need to work fast. Victor, do you want to check his desk while I look at the bookshelves?"

"That's fine by me," Victor agreed, heading for the center of the room.

"I'll poke around the rest of the room – see if there's anything of interest hidden away in a corner somewhere," Smiler offered.

"Sounds like a plan," Alice said, heading toward the bookcases behind the desk. "Just yell if you find anything, all right?"

"Will do!" Smiler went left and started inspecting the grandfather clock tucked away behind the lounger. "Do you have any secrets in you, old chap?"

"If he does, he never revealed any of them to me." Alice stopped behind Victor, running her gaze over the various shelves for anything unusual. What she found was mostly a lot of empty space – Dr. Bumby, despite being a graduate of Doskvol Academy and a respected doctor, did not actually have that many books in his possession, she realized. "You'd think he'd at least buy a few important-looking volumes just to fill in the gaps," she muttered, running her fingers along the edge of one particularly ill-stocked shelf. "This is just embarrassing."

"You would think so – but then, that all depends on the kind of audience one is trying to cultivate!" Carpenter pointed out, twirling his hammer.

"Indeed – the people he most seeks to impress are not the type to be interested in how learned he is," Cheshire agreed, lounging between The Mysteries Of The Mind and Soul Sickness: Uncommon Cures For Uncommon Afflictions and batting at an untitled book on the shelf beneath him. "And frankly, neither is he. But a thorough search here may prove lucrative nonetheless."

"Oh?" Alice grabbed the book Cheshire was pawing at – and heard it rattle as she pulled it out. "What the…" She flipped it open, only to find neither words nor pictures, but instead a roughly-hollowed-out hole inside, with a coin purse tucked away within. Alice plucked it out and opened it up, pouring a handful of slugs and scales into her palm. "Mmm – looks like almost a week's wages," she observed. Her nose wrinkled. "Or, perhaps, a week's profits."

"What?" Victor said, glancing her way.

"I've found Bumby's secret stash," she revealed, showing him the makeshift book safe. "Which I don't intend to let him keep – all the forgotten gods know I could use a Coin more than him. And I don't think any of this gets spent on the children. Or June." She dropped the money back into the purse and slipped it into her apron pocket – the one not currently hiding a bomb. "How's your search going?"

"It's not, I'm afraid – all I've found on this side are some old pens and stationery," Victor admitted, sliding shut one of the right-hand drawers. He moved to the middle and pulled that one open. "And in here...some blotter paper and a spare pair of glasses."

"I see." Alice came over, picked up the glasses, and broke them in twain before neatly replacing the two halves. "That's better...Smiler? Have you found anything?"

"No ledgers yet," Smiler reported, closing the lid on an old chest tucked away in the corner. They rapped their knuckles against the glass of the window closest to them. "But I did have a thought about these! Namely, that they overlook a nice quiet-looking alleyway. Meaning, once we get the ledger, we could escape out them and not have to worry about figuring out a way past June in the kitchen, or running into Bumby at the front door. We could be away before he even knew we were here!"

"Which would only be for the good – but how do you propose we get down safely?" Alice asked, tapping a foot. "I'm all right at climbing in Wonderland, but I don't know if that skill translates to the real world."

"Oh, don't worry – I already prepared for this," Smiler told her with a grin. "Can you pass me the rope, Victor?"

"Of course," Victor said, unslinging his bag from his shoulder and opening it up. "Just need to find it – is this why you wanted to take it?" he added as he started rooting around under the portrait.

"Not exactly – I thought we might need it to tie Dr. Bumby up, as per Alice's suggestion at breakfast," Smiler explained, coming to stand by his shoulder. "Since, you know, we were bursting into his office with intent to rob him. But this is a good use for it too! Probably better, because now we don't have to touch him."

Alice snorted. "Good point. You get that set up – I'll help Victor go through the rest of his desk."

"I don't think there's all that much else to go through," Victor said, pushing his hand deeper into the bag. "Just a moment, I think – aha!" He extracted his arm and presented Smiler with a neat coil of grayish rope. "Here you are – I thought it was under the petticoats…anyway, there's only a couple more drawers on the left to check, and given how empty the rest of them have been…" He grimaced. "Ah – do – do you think he might keep the ledger in his – b-bedroom?"

"Oh, gods, I hope not," Alice said, pulling a face of her own. "The last thing I need to do is go rooting around in his bed. I don't even want to know what he does in there that isn't sleeping."

"Me either," Smiler agreed, heading to the window nearest the bookshelves and opening it. They looked around for a moment, then shrugged and knelt down in front of the chest. "You were pretty heavy – you should do as an anchor," they said, wrapping one end of the rope around it. "But yes, hopefully we can avoid getting anywhere near his private quarters."

"Hopefully," Victor echoed, moving to the left side of the desk and opening the top drawer. "Nothing in here…and nothing in here," he added, shaking his head as he moved onto the bottom drawer. "Completely and utterly empty."

"Bloody hell – makes you wonder why he even has a desk," Alice grumbled.

"It really does!" Victor sighed and went to shove the drawer closed. "All right, I'll help you check the–"

Suddenly, for no apparent reason, he paused. He pulled the drawer a bit further out again, squinting at the inside. Then he reopened the top drawer and checked that. "Just a moment – this drawer looks different from the others."

"How so?" Alice asked, immediately interested.

"The wood isn't the same color." Victor pointed at the top drawer. "It's dark in here–" He closed it and pointed at the bottom drawer. "And much lighter in here. And…" He tilted his head, eyeing the drawer from the outside. "I'd swear it should be deeper than it is."

"Hmmm – sounds like you're not the only one to think of storing things beneath a false bottom, Alice!" Smiler commented, knotting their rope nice and tight.

"It does indeed – feel around, see if you can find a notch or a catch or something," Alice urged.

"Yes, yes, give me a moment…" Victor reached in, brow furrowed with concentration. "Come on, I'm sure there must be – aha!"

His eyes lit up. "Yes! I can feel a catch here! If I can just – got it!" He dug his fingers into the bottom panel –

And lifted it clean up, revealing another little compartment beneath it. One with a small, suspicious-looking box inside. Victor set the false bottom aside and grabbed it, revealing it to be a little wooden safe with a heavy iron lock on the front. He shook it once, causing something to thump about inside. "That does not sound like money," he noted, looking at his companions. "I think we need to get this open."

"Easier said than done," Alice noted, frowning at the lock. "That looks quite solid...but the box itself seems eminently smashable. The question is, how quietly can I smash it…"

"Oh, no need to get violent just yet," Smiler said, tossing the free end of the rope out the window before coming up on Victor's other side. They pulled a little roll of cloth out of their pocket. "I think I can pop that lock with these!"

Victor blinked at them in confusion. "With – what?"

Smiler unrolled the cloth across their palm in response, revealing a set of different little wriggly bits of metal. "What – are those lockpicks?" Alice asked, tilting her head to get a better angle. "Why do you have lockpicks? Where did you get lockpicks?"

"I found them in the library!" Smiler explained, sitting down beside Victor. "Tucked away behind an old book on burglary, amusingly enough. I guess Elder Gutknecht isn't opposed to all illegal activities – just murder." They took the safe and put it on their lap before giving Alice and Victor one of their winning bucktoothed smiles. "I know the basics for most locks, and I'm a pretty decent tinkerer if I do say so myself, so – might as well give it a shot, right?"

"Might as well," Victor agreed, getting up. "I wish you all the best with it – should Alice and I keep lookout?"

"Sounds like a plan to me," Alice said, heading for the door. "I'm not sure if either of us could help with the actual picking."

"Yeah, it's kind of a one-person job," Smiler confirmed, leaning the safe on its back corner before inserting the first wiggly pick. "I'll let you know as soon as I get it open!"

"Thank you." Alice sighed, gazing out into the hall. "Hopefully this doesn't take too long – every moment we stay here is another moment closer to getting caught."

"Well, ah, p-perhaps if they can't crack it, we can just – d-drop the box out the window?" Victor suggested timidly, coming to keep her company. He glanced back at Smiler's rope. "I m-mean, we're going out there anyway…" He sighed and rubbed his midsection. "I know how you feel, though. There's so many butterflies in my stomach right now…"

"Oh, that'll be the half of a caterpillar you ate this morning," Alice joked, unable to help herself.

Victor winced. "Don't remind me," he muttered. "I can't – I am definitely having that talk with my father once I get home. I – I just can't leave you and yours to eat things like that horrible surprise loaf. We have so much money – we should really be doing more good with it."

"Well, good luck convincing him of that," Alice said, folding her arms. "In my experience, the only thing the rich care about is getting richer. Wasn't the whole reason you were engaged to a woman sight-unseen, with not a word passed between you, because your parents wanted into Brightstone and selling you into matrimony was the easiest way?"

"...yes," Victor admitted with a sigh. "But that was mostly Mother's dream, so...oh, she's going to be so annoyed with me a-about that whole – m-m-mess with Barkis," he added, grimacing. "Her son, accused of m-murdering a Spirit Warden – I'm never going to hear the end of it. And we still don't know if Victoria is all right!"

"We don't know that she isn't, either," Alice said, hoping it sounded comforting. "She took off at a pretty good pace once she got free of Barkis – and a frightened woman in a wedding dress is probably one of the more sympathetic figures in this city. Plus, we haven't heard of anything horrible happening to the Everglots' daughter."

"Yes, but – we haven't really heard any news at all since we fled into Six Towers," Victor pointed out. "I – I suppose we could have found a place to pick up a paper, but…" He sighed, looking away. "I-I admit, I wasn't e-exactly keen on seeing 'Heir To Van Dort Fish Dynasty Accused of Murder' or w-whatever it is they wrote about us."

"I wasn't exactly eager to see the headline 'Known Lunatic From Rutledge Strikes Again,'" Alice agreed, running her fingers through her hair. "But we probably should find a paper or seek out some local gossip or something once we're done here. I know we must be wanted, but – thinking about it, if we were being hunted by the Spirit Wardens, wouldn't the Doskvol Illustrated downstairs have had something to say about it? Or June have recognized our faces or names? Perhaps they're trying to hush up the death of one of their own instead of going public with it. They are supposed to be this seemingly-invincible force running around the city, after all."

"Maybe." Victor shook his head. "I – I know you've said before that I don't need to apologize for everything that's happened, but – I am still sorry that my f-falling out of a wall n-next to you got you and Smiler into so much trouble."

"We're the ones who insisted on helping you and Emily, so if we're in trouble, it's our own faults," Alice replied gently. "And even if things have admittedly gotten rather out of hand, I think it was ultimately worth it. We stopped Victoria becoming an empty corpse cast onto the streets, and handed Emily the opportunity to get her vengeance and stop herself turning into just another mindless Specter. Not to mention, I do quite appreciate having other people help me with this whole Bumby business." She rocked on her heels. "I – I truly didn't expect anyone to ever believe me about what he's doing. Save maybe Nanny, and even that wasn't a sure thing."

"People don't accuse other people of the things you say he's done lightly," Victor said with conviction. "The way you spoke about it...it was very hard to think of it as just a story."

"Yes, but…" Alice watched as the ugly faded pink and green stripes of the Dollhouses crept up the walls. "I am mad."

"Well, you're – not as mad as you might be?" Victor offered, rubbing the back of his head. "Even with the talking to invisible creatures sometimes?"

Alice snorted. "High praise. But thank you for trusting me. It's been a long time since–"

She stopped, ears pricking at a barely-audible creeaaaak below. "Wait. Was that…" She ventured into the hall, taking the turn and going toward the stairs. Sure enough, she could hear the faint sound of a dozen or so tiny feet tromping inside, and high-pitched voices engaged in idle chatter. "Shit," she muttered, whirling around and hurrying back. "It was the front door," she reported to the confused Victor. "Playtime is over, it seems – which means our own time is running out. Smiler!" she called past him into the office. "How's it coming?"

"It's coming!" Smiler replied, squinting into the keyhole as they continued fiddling with their picks. "Sorry, it's a more delicate process than I thought it would be…"

"Anything we can do to help?" Victor asked.

"Not really – just let me know if you hear anyone coming up the stairs."

"Oh, I am listening very hard for that," Alice assured them, chewing on her lower lip as she looked over her shoulder. She couldn't see Bumby or the children, but she could swear she felt them just below her feet… Easy, Alice, easy. They're almost certainly in the front foyer still – Bumby will have them pick up their toys and games and whatnot before doing anything else, and they'll be doing their best to make his life difficult in retaliation. But it won't be too long before they're herded upstairs to keep them out of the way until dinner… "You just go as quick as you can!"

"That's the idea!" Smiler leaned forward, shoulders up around their ears as they concentrated. Alice rocked anxiously on her heels as Victor tugged at his tie, every second feeling like an hour. "I think...come on, you, go in...I've almost – got it!"

There was the tiniest click – almost inaudible if you weren't listening for it – and the lock popped open. Smiler lifted the lid of the box with a grin of triumph. "And inside we have – a plain black journal!" they announced, holding it up before opening it at random. "And inside that–"

They went suddenly still and silent, eyes fixed on the page before them. "Smiler?" Victor asked, moving forward a step.

"...yup, this is what we're looking for!" Smiler said, in what Alice was starting to recognize as their "I may still sound cheerful but I'm actually horrified" voice.

"How can you be so sure?" Alice asked, looking over her shoulder again. Still no sign of anyone, but she could feel their presence looming…

"Very first column here says 'Children!'"

"What? Seriously?" Alice yanked her attention away from the hallway and headed into the office, leaning over Smiler's shoulder to get her own look. "He's not even trying to hide it?"

"Not a jot," Smiler confirmed, lifting the book as Victor joined her. Sure enough, the first column, neatly inked in Bumby's familiar swooping hand, was labeled "Children," and filled with numbers from one to thirteen, just like the paper placards he insisted his patients wear. Next to it was "Production Costs," and next to that, "Market Value," and next to that, "Amount Sold," and next to that, "Profit." "Probably because he thought no one but him would ever see it."

"Glad to make sure he was mistaken about that," Alice said, stomach turning as she looked down each line. "Bloody hell…"

"It's – it's almost exactly like the ones my f-father keeps," Victor whispered, shaking his head. "And those numbers...it's – gods, it's like he's keeping track of livestock."

"And selling them for more than any chicken or goat fetches at market," Smiler agreed, flipping through the pages. "Wow, it's – it's really something to see how evil he is laid out in black and – huh. What's this?"

They stopped on a page that was covered in writing instead of columns. "'27th of Mendar, 846,'" they read out. "'A fortuitous arrival today – one Miss Alice Liddell has become a part of my Houndsditch Home. I was rather worried that idiot Witless wouldn't be able to convince Wilson that my orphanage was the perfect place for her, but either she's got secret talents when it comes to speaking, or Wilson is stupider than she is. Alice's survival has been a thorn in my side for over ten years now, and while she clearly doesn't fully recall the circumstances surrounding her family's death, now that she's no longer catatonic – and thus no longer a candidate for Hollowing – I have to make sure she doesn't recover the memories. Fortunately for me, she seems quite willing to try and forget the whole business, so it shouldn't take long to wipe anything offending out of her brain. Along with everything else – while she's not the type my usual clients desire, I'm sure I could find someone to pay a decent price for her. Men should line up out the door for a piece of a raving delusional beauty with no memory of the past and no sense of the future. Though, I admit, I find myself wondering if it might not to be better to keep her for myself...after all, she does look so much like my dearly departed Elizabeth…'"

There was a long silence. Then, slowly, Smiler looked up. "So – want to go downstairs and murder him right now?" they asked, smile cold and voice dark.

"I would love to – but no, I can't risk any of the children getting hurt," Alice said, shaking her head against the tentacles crawling over the walls. "Let's – let's just go and get that – that thing to someone who might listen. And then when he's the one getting his soul ripped out of his body, I'll watch with glee from the front row."

"I – yes, you're right," Victor cut himself off, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I just – gods, I hate leaving someone who can write things like that about you alone with a bunch of children."

"I know, I know, but – if we use this bomb inside, there's too great a chance of the entire house going up," Alice told him, grimacing. "And I am not inflicting that on anyone else. We have to look at it like this – the faster we get out of here, the faster we can have him dragged out of here in chains and get the children here under the care of someone who actually have their best interests at heart. That's what I keep telling myself, anyway."

"Then you'd best get a move on!" Rabbit called, bouncing up and down at the door. "Lest the monster creeping up the stairs catch you red-handed! And not even with his blood!"

"What? Bollocks," Alice hissed. "Come on, we've got to go!"

"Just a moment!" Smiler slammed the lid shut on the safe, clicked the lock back closed, stuffed their lockpicks in their pocket, handed the ledger to Victor (who promptly thrust it into his bag), then shoved the empty box back under the false bottom of the desk drawer and shut that too. "Good thing I noticed the window earlier, huh?" they added, scrambling to their feet.

"Yes, an excellent example of forward planning," Alice agreed, darting to said window and giving their rope an experimental tug. To her relief, it held firm around the chest. "Shame we won't be able to untie it once we're out, is all."

"Maybe we can pull it off somehow once we're done," Victor said, then gestured forward with a faint blush. "Ah – ladies first?"

Alice snorted. "Well, I don't want you getting even an accidental eyeful of my bloomers, so yes, I suppose it is." She climbed up onto the window sill, then grabbed the rope and started lowering herself out. "Here's hoping I don't crack my head open!"

Happily, much like how her ability to leap upon thin air in Wonderland had somehow translated itself into her jumping the height of a carriage in reality, all that time spent crawling up and down various ropes and vines in the Village of the Doomed and the Wonderland Woods proved to have given her some real-world skill with ropes. She just kept close to the wall, going hand-over-hand as she steadied herself against the bricks, and in less than a minute, she was at the bottom. She promptly stepped back a few paces and waved to her watching compatriots – Smiler gave her a thumbs up, then waved Victor forward. Victor nodded and swung himself out the window, grimacing as his bag smacked into his side, then began walking himself down the wall. For a moment, Alice was sure he was going to get down as quickly and quietly as her –

And then, without warning, his left foot slid on the bricks, and he spun around, slamming against the side of the building. "Oooof!" he blurted, far too loudly, then froze. Smiler winced and disappeared from the window, leaving Alice to hold her breath –

Then they were back, shaking their head but indicating for Victor to get a move on as they climbed out onto the sill. Victor nodded and finished his descent, dropping to the ground with a grimace. "Sorry," he whispered to Alice as Smiler started down. "I d-didn't expect my foot to just go like that."

"It's fine," Alice assured him, though she couldn't help thinking about Bumby in the hallway, pausing midway through wrangling the children and wondering what that thump was… "You're all right?"

"Yes, just had the breath k-knocked out of me a bit." Victor looked at his reddened palms. "And my hands are a little sore – I didn't expect the rope to be so scratchy."

"It's a rope, not a silk handkerchief," Alice had to point out.

"Yes, all right, but I've never had cause to hold a rope before! Maybe I should have just gone down the wall itself, I'm–"

"AAH!" THUMP!

Alice and Victor both jumped as Smiler suddenly hit the cobbles before them. "Smiler!" Victor said, darting forward to help them up. "What happened?"

"Are you all right?" Alice asked, coming up in his wake.

"Yeah, just a little bruised – lost my grip at the end," Smiler said, blinking as they rubbed the back of their head, then their arm. They gave the pair a smile. "Nothing to worry about."

"You're sure? Haven't knocked your brain about?" Alice said, squinting at their eyes.

"No, I didn't fall that far – I'm fine, I promise!" They accepted a hand up from Victor and did a little spin. "See? Now let's try and get this rope free, then we can–"

"Alice!"

Alice's head jerked up – to see a very unfortunately familiar face leaning out the window above them. "What do you think you're doing?" one Dr. Angus Bumby continued, frowning severely at her through his beard. "I thought when Abigail told me that you'd come back without wanting me to know that you were embarrassed by your long absence – not that you were apparently trying to rob me!" He snapped his fingers and gestured at the house. "Come back inside and return whatever you took – then perhaps we should have another session? You desperately seem to need one."

"I'm never setting foot in your office again for as long as I live if I can help it!" Alice spat back, hands clenching into fists. "You oozing sore of depravity! I've figured out your little secret – not that you kept it that far under wraps," she added, grinding her teeth as she thought about the ledger. "Children with their 'names' around their neck, as if they're breeding livestock! You absolute brute!"

Bumby raised an eyebrow. "Alice, I've explained this to you before. The placards are an easy way for me to keep track of who–"

"Goatshit!" Alice yelled, making him jerk back. "I know what they're for – so you don't have to think of them as human! So you have something to call them once you've ripped their very identities from them! You beast – how many minds have you twisted into forgetfulness?"

Bumby's eyes narrowed. "Apparently not enough," he replied, tone cold. "Yours would have been a triumph." He smirked. "But on the other hand, you are an insane wreck, so perhaps my work is done after all."

"Oh, done denying your true business? Good – it's nice to hear some truth from your lips for once," Alice snarled as thick pink tentacles started curling through the cobblestones around her and up the sides of the building. "Ready to admit your part in the fire that killed my family too, then?"

"My my – you're ready to accuse me of everything today," Bumby noted, leaning on the windowsill. "Do you have any proof of such a wild charge against my person?"

"Well, for one thing – that's my sister's room key on your pocket watch," Alice hissed – Cheshire echoed her, back arched and claws extended. "And shame on me for not recognizing it earlier."

"...shame on me for not making sure you couldn't recognize it at all," Bumby grumbled. "I tried, Alice – I tried so very hard. I could have made you into a tasty bit. I had very high hopes for your future. But you wouldn't forget," he continued, fingernails digging into the sill. "You insisted on holding onto your fantasies, your Wonderland. You're mad! Like your sister."

"Don't speak of her!" Alice roared, Gryphon screeching with wings extended and foreclaws scraping the air. "You didn't know her!"

"I did so! Your sister was a tease! Pretended to despise me!" Bumby pulled out his pocket watch and held it up, letting the key dangle from the chain as he smiled cruelly. "But she got what she wanted – in the end."

"Disgusting! Despicable! Denouncer!" Hatter declared as Eyepots lined up behind him, whistling with fury. "You deserve to die more than March and Dormy ever did!"

"You are no playwright, sir – only a vile mockery!" Carpenter agreed, spinning his hammer. "A tasty bit indeed – perhaps we should see how you like being eaten! That Walrus will gulp anything down his gullet if it has enough butter!"

"The disrespect shown to the dead!" the Queen of Hearts raged, pounding her tentacles against the street. "OFF WITH HIS HEAD!"

"You monstrous – I will see you charged!" Alice yelled, pointing up at him as if she wielded the Jabberwock's Eye Staff and was lining up an electroplasmic shot. "In prison, some half-wit bruiser will make you his sweetheart – and then they'll rip your soul from your body and reduce both to ashes!"

"Alice, Alice, Alice – say I truly am guilty of everything you've accused me of," Bumby said, tone as poisonously sweet as the fruit from a Jayan tree. "Who would believe you? A hysterical woman, roaring outrageous accusations against a respectable social architect and scientist? You'll just end up right back in Rutledge."

"Actually, given what we took was your ledger, I think there's a pretty damn good chance people will believe her!"

Alice blinked and looked over to see Smiler, glaring up at Bumby with their arms folded. "We certainly do!" they added, gesturing to themselves and Victor. "You horrible man – monsters like you are the reason happiness doesn't thrive in this world!"

"We're going to stop you no matter what it takes!" Victor yelled in agreement, shaking his fist. "You won't be able to hurt anyone ever again!"

Bumby blinked at them, apparently registering their presence for the first time. And then – oh, the sudden horror spreading across his face was pure delight. "What?" Alice called up to him, favoring him with a chilly grin. "Did you think they were part of my hallucinations too?"

Bumby stared at her in silence for a moment – then, before any of them could react, he swung himself out the window and started descending their rope at speed. What the – I hate to admit it, but he's doing that quite well, Alice thought, watching him go.

"He's had more practice than most people think at this activity – and that does tend to make perfect," Cheshire admitted. "But perfect he has not yet reached – and you have a friend about to swoop in to make his life more difficult." His grin widened, blood flecks all over his teeth. "If you spot it in time, the opportunity to rid the world of this malignant ooze may be nigh."

Friend? What friend?

Cheshire didn't respond – not that he had much opportunity to, as almost the minute she thought that, Bumby reached the bottom of the rope. "You wretched creatures," he snarled, stumbling slightly as he turned toward them – Victor retreated a step, sliding his bag around so it was at his back. "I won't let you destroy what I took so long to – aaaah!"

Alice jerked to the side as, out of nowhere, a raven streaked past her and straight at Bumby's face, claws extended. "What the – get out of here, you stupid bird!" he yelled, flailing wildly with one arm while he tried to protect his eyes with the other. "Get! Get!"

The raven ignored his pleas, cawing abuse as it pecked at his fingers and clawed at his hair. Alice had no idea why it had taken such a dislike to Bumby – but it was definitely distracting him from their presence. And if that isn't an opportunity, I don't know what is, she thought, speeding forward as Bumby continued his ineffective attacks. She ducked under his flapping hand, then grabbed his pocket watch from his waistcoat, throwing it to the ground and stomping on it before yanking on the chain. The aged links snapped, yielding her sister's room key. "What – no! Stop!" Bumby roared, forgetting the bird as he spotted what was in her hand. "That is mine!"

"No – it's Lizzie's," Alice snarled back, backhanding him – his head snapped very satisfyingly to the side. "And she was never yours either. At least I know she's definitely free of you now, you monster." She yanked the electroplasm bomb from her pocket, twisted the top, then jammed it down the front of his trousers. "And now everyone else will be too."

Snap! Alice threw herself clear of the blast zone before Bumby could grab her or realize what she'd done. Crrrraaaaackkkkllllee – the raven, apparently realizing its job was done, flew to safety on Smiler's shoulder. Bumby's eyes went wide, and he scrambled for the bomb –

POP! And the moment he touched it, he was wreathed in ghostly gray flame. Alice dug her fingers into the dirt between the cobbles, forcing herself to watch as the fire wrapped all around Bumby's thin form, burning with an evil pale light and consuming him from the inside out as he howled in agony. "It's no less than what you deserve, you demon," she hissed, tears pricking her eyes as the screams of her mother and father dying to a collapsing roof, and Lizzie's muffled cries as she suffered an even worse fate, overlaid his. "And I've never been gladder to see a soul destroyed."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Alice almost leapt entirely out of her skin. Her head swiveled around to see poor June, standing by the corner of the Home, dusted with flour and bits of eel, watching the scene with eyes wider than dinner plates and her hands clamped over her prodigious mouth. "Oh fuck," Alice whispered, horrified.

"Ah – we're – we were just going," Smiler babbled, grabbing Alice's arm and pulling her to her feet – Victor scrambled to help, wiping the dirt from her clothes. "Sorry about this, it isn't–"

"HELP!" June spun and ran for the street, flour flying off her in little clouds. "SOMEONE! ANYONE! HELP!"

"Right, yes, that's totally understandable, sorry!" Smiler yelled at her retreating back, before pulling Alice along in the other direction. "I think we'd best get out of here before she comes back, don't you?"

"Most definitely – I'm sorry, I did not want you to see that!" Alice called, grimacing. "Oh bloody hell, why did she have to show up now…"

"The best laid plans are often broken apart by merest chance," Caterpillar said, flapping his wings for all he was worth as he soared on ahead. "However, you still have one to escape – don't squander it!"

"I'm not going to! Just – where do we even go from here?" Alice asked, shaking herself free of Smiler's grip as she looked around.

"Just anywhere that's not here!" Victor said. "I-I mean, I – I think that if we go down that alley, we'll be heading toward Charterhall–"

"Good enough!" Alice gave him a little shove. "Lead on!"

"What – me?!"

"You've got the longest legs, you'll be in the lead anyway! Besides, we'll need you to warn us about any ghosts in our path!"

"Oh, right, o-of course…" Victor started off, swinging the bag around so he could clutch it to his chest. "Come on then!"

"Right behind you!" Smiler said, sprinting after him as their raven passenger rawked in agreement.

"Same!" Alice added, taking just one moment to glance behind her as the DOOOONG of the spirit bell shook the air, and Bumby's burnt-out mortal shell hit the ground. "Nothing left for me here now – that's for damn sure."

Chapter Text

"So...where are we?"

"I'm – n-not entirely sure," Victor admitted, rubbing the back of his neck as they walked along the unfamiliar street. "I haven't spent a lot of time in Charterhall, I'm afraid. I wanted to attend the university here, but Father said I could learn everything I needed just by watching him work, and Mother said I'd be educated at Doskvol Academy or not at all. And as the Academy was quite firm that it didn't want anyone middle class, no matter how rich…" He shrugged. "T-that was that."

"Right – thank you for yet another reason to dislike your parents," Alice said blandly, shaking her head. "Still, I suppose I should look on the bright side for Smiler's sake – if you don't know where we are, then hopefully the Bluecoats don't know either. Assuming poor June found some to drag back with her to Bumby's corpse." She grimaced, pressing her face into her hand. "I am so sorry she had to witness that. Nobody should ever have to see someone else die in that manner. Even if the person dying richly deserves it."

"That wasn't exactly our finest moment, no," Smiler agreed, glancing behind them. Then their face split in a familiar grin. "But that shouldn't take away from the fact that we did it! Twice over, in fact! We got his ledger so we can expose him, and you got to make sure that he'll never hurt anyone else again! You even got your sister's room key back!"

"True," Alice said, turning the old brass key still clutched in her hand. "And I'm very glad I did." She took a deep breath, a smile twitching the edges of her lips. "And you're right – we did it. He's gone. He's gone."

"And good riddance to bad rubbish," the Queen of Hearts declared, running a long pink finger over the blade of her Executioner's scythe as he tromped along beside her. "Which is a very kind thing to call him."

"Oh, we are in total agreement on that, Your Majesty." Alice stuck Lizzie's key in her pocket and ran her fingers through her hair. "I never thought I'd really...I was so certain attempting to kill him was a fool's errand, no matter how desperately I wanted to be a fool. And now…" She laughed, hugging herself. "Now I never have to worry about him ever again."

"The Dollmaker's done and dusted!" the Leader of the Insane Children agreed, squeezing her teddy bear tightly as her compatriots giggled around her. "No more hide and seek – now it's just seek!"

"Yes, though that probably makes for a less interesting game," Alice chuckled. Then her mirth dissipated as a sobering thought descended upon her. "Though...this does make me wonder what will become of the children. Hopefully June will stay to tend to them for a while, but – well. We did just murder her employer in front of her. She may not think the job worth that sort of trouble."

"We'll figure out some way to help them," Victor assured her, though his hands going for his tie betrayed his own nervousness. "It would be a terrible shame to get rid of Bumby, o-only to leave them to fend for themselves."

"If nothing else, I'm sure my fellow Advocates would be happy to help look after them!" Smiler added, face bright.

Alice raised an eyebrow. "Will they immediately attempt to induct them into the cult?"

"What – no!" Smiler scolded, holding up a hand. "I mean, yes, they probably will tell them about Mar-Mal and how wonderful they are and how they want to spread happiness to everyone, but you have to have a double-digit age before you officially become an Advocate. I didn't get marmalised until I was fifteen."

Alice frowned. "That's still a bit young for my tastes."

"I knew what I wanted, and I've never regretted it," Smiler said firmly. "But the children won't be forced into anything – that's against general happiness. They'll be told about what we do, and they can decide for themselves once they're older."

"Well, I'll take that, at least." Alice sighed heavily. "I just – I don't want any more harm to come to them. Not after how blind I was to their plight before."

"You've made up for your previous inaction quite a bit today," Caterpillar comforted her, riding on her shoulder. "I think it safe to say you may sleep this Names with a lighter heart, whenever and wherever you do lay down your head."

Alice smiled faintly. "Thank you," she murmured. "That – that means a lot to me, coming from you."

Caterpillar chuckled. "And here I thought you considered me nothing more than a doddering old fool who knew your business better than you did."

"Yes, well, someone had to know it – and better you than some of the other inhabitants of Wonderland," Alice said, with a squinty frown for the Queen.

"You still took my advice about taking the usurper's head," the Queen replied with a smirk. "Metaphorically, at least. I shall consider that a win in our little game."

"Fine – just don't get used to the feeling." Alice glanced over at Smiler's shoulder, where the raven from before still perched. "I'm just glad our little friend here showed up when they did so I could get the drop on Bumby."

"Me too – you're the fledgling from the tower, aren't you?" Smiler said, looking over at their new feathered companion. "The one who finished off Victor's breakfast for him this morning?"

The raven rawked, regarding them with a beady eye before flapping its wings. "Yup, you are – I thought I recognized those baby feathers! So did Elder Gutknecht send you, or did you decide to follow us on your own?"

The raven tilted its head, then scooted a little closer and gave Smiler's hat an exploratory peck. "I don't think you're getting any answers out of them," Alice said with a soft chuckle.

"Apparently not – but I'm still happy to have you as part of our team," Smiler informed the bird. "Which means you need a name – how about Sooty?"

The raven cawed and pecked at Smiler's hat again. "I'll take that as a yes," Smiler said, stroking its head with a finger. The newly-dubbed Sooty leaned into the touch, looking as content as Alice had ever seen a bird. "Yes, good Sooty."

"Very good Sooty," Victor agreed with a smile. "I was more than a little worried about what Bumby planned to do to us."

"Well, it was three against one, so even if he hadn't suffered attack by raven, I think we could have overpowered him long enough for me to burn him up," Alice said. "Though if June had come out and seen us physically fighting him, she might have been compelled to help him – and I know just how heavy some of the pots and pans in the kitchen are," she added with a grimace. "I don't think that would have turned out well for us."

Victor winced. "I – I don't think I w-would have liked being hit upside the head with a f-frying pan, no."

"I think everything turned out for the best the way it went," Smiler nodded, Sooty bobbing its head in time. "Even if poor June ended up with an unfortunate eyeful. Now we just have to figure out our way back to our lair so we can fill in Elder Gutknecht, then get this ledger off to–"

"Smiler?"

Smiler blinked – then their face spread into their widest smile yet as they spun toward the unfamiliar voice. "Mum! Dad!"

"I thought that was you!" Two people jogged out of a nearby cross street, opening their arms wide as Smiler ran to meet them (Sooty flapping its wings again to keep its balance on their shoulder). "You've been away longer than we expected!"

"Sorry, Mum, but I had some very important business to attend to," Smiler said, giving the pair a big, bone-crushing hug. "Two new friends of mine had some pretty severe happiness problems! But we should be all good now!" They turned back toward Victor and Alice, waving them over. "Victor! Alice! Come on over and meet my parents!"

Oh dear – new people to make a good impression on, Alice thought, glancing over at Victor and seeing the same sentiment written all over his face. Hopefully the elder Altons are as forgiving of my foibles as their child… She took a deep breath, put on a smile, then walked over, Victor trailing a step behind. "Hello."

"G-good after-s-six," Victor stuttered, holding his hands behind his back.

"Hey, no need to be so nervous – they don't bite," Smiler said with a laugh, coming to stand between them. "Mum, Dad, this is Alice Liddell and Victor Van Dort – and Sooty," they added when the raven cawed. "Victor, Alice, Sooty, these are my parents, Matthew and Carol Alton."

"Matt, please – pleasure to meet you!" Matt said, striding forward and offering a hand. "We're always delighted to meet a new friend of our Smiler's!"

"It's a pleasure to meet you as well," Alice said, taking his hand and giving it a quick shake as Victor offered up a shy nod toward his wife. He and Carol made an interesting pair, she had to say – Matthew was rather tall (not quite as tall as Victor, but close), sporting dark brown hair neatly combed, a light, somewhat scruffy beard, and a dark suit with a purple shirt underneath, while Carol was quite small – only coming up to about her husband's shoulder (and that only because she was wearing rather tall heels, Alice noted) – with her own brown hair cut much shorter than was fashionable, and her suit featuring a purple jacket over a black blouse and skirt. "Though I'm sorry to say I think I've gotten your child into rather a bit of trouble."

"Oh?" Matt tilted his head quizzically. "What do you mean?"

"Um – there – t-there was a bit of an – i-incident in Brightstone with a S-Spirit Warden a few days ago," Victor confessed, grimacing.

"Yeah – you might have heard about it?" Smiler added, their own smile lessening a bit. "The fellow who died behind the Everglot house?"

"Oh, yes, we did see that in the papers," Matt nodded. "The local Bluecoats kept insisting that he'd been murdered by 'three ne'er-do-wells.' Did they mean–"

"Yes, we're the ones who never did well," Alice confirmed, guilt welling up in her stomach again. "But I swear to all the forgotten gods, including your own, that we didn't actually kill him. You see–"

"Oh, honey, don't worry," Carol cut in, with a smile that seemed a little too big for her face. "We already know that!"

Alice blinked, as did Victor and Smiler. "Ah – what?"

"The Bluecoats might have been insisting it was murder – but the Spirit Wardens themselves were very clear that what killed that fellow was a ghost!" Matt declared, with a grin that was definitely too big for his face. "Said that what remained of the corpse showed clear signs of pre-mortem possession! And he wasn't even a Spirit Warden – he was apparently a conman who'd infiltrated their ranks and stolen some of their kit, including the mask! They'd actually been trying to track him down for ages! And they were quite annoyed at the Bluecoats for chasing away their only eyewitnesses! I don't think that squad is getting any accolades anytime soon!"

"Me either – so you see, you're all free and clear!" Carol finished for him, much too cheerily.

There was a long moment of silence. "So...if I hadn't panicked and started stabbing people when Sergeant Tannen accused us of murder, we would have been cleared of all wrongdoing by the Spirit Wardens before we'd spent more than, say, an hour at the station?" Alice finally said, clenching her fists as she resisted the urge to turn and glare at the assembled Wonderlanders around her.

"Ah – um – well – the fact of the matter is – we didn't know that!" Carpenter babbled, anxiously twirling his hammer. "The scene as it was set indicated that we were all in for a most vexatatious time indeed!"

"While we're adept at spotting at what you yourself may miss, we are limited by the information you yourself possess," Cheshire added, his rapidly-flicking tail the only sign of his own nervousness. "And as Carpenter said, all signs during that confrontation pointed straight to a trip back to Rutledge – which would not have furthered your goals in any way."

"Well, yes – but don't worry about that," Carol said, still with rather more brightness than Alice felt this situation warranted. "The point is, you've all been exonerated! Completely and totally!"

"Really? Even a-after what we did to m-most of Sergeant Tannen's squad?" Victor asked, tugging nervously at his tie. "We weren't e-exactly kind to them in our e-escape."

"From what we understand, they weren't exactly kind to you beforehand," Matt said, still sporting that overstretched grin. "Accusing you of such a horrible crime based on just finding that mask – it's no wonder you all fought back! And given how much trouble the Spirit Wardens gave them over it, I doubt they'll insist on pressing charges."

Alice sighed heavily, pinching the bridge of her nose. "That's – that's good, I admit. Just – bloody hell. I wish I'd managed to keep my temper for a bit longer."

"Oh, really, don't stress over it," Carol cooed. "It's all in the past now." She tittered. "After all – it's not like you've killed anyone else, right?"

Alice looked at Smiler. Smiler looked at Victor. Victor looked at Alice. For the first time, Carol's cheer appeared to falter, ever so slightly. "...right?"

"There may have been another incident, Mum," Smiler said, plastering on a nervous smile of their own.

"Yes – and b-before you say anything, you'll want to see this," Victor added, pulling the ledger out of his bag and handing it over. "It's from Dr. Angus Bumby of the Houndsditch Home, and it's – well – j-just read it. Please."

"Especially page – 20, I believe," Smiler nodded.

Matt took the book with a curious crinkle of his eyebrows, then opened it up to the indicated page. His eyes went wide as he beheld the contents. "Matt?" Carol asked, leaning over his arm so she could see.

Matt silently tilted the book so she could get a better look. For a few moments, they quietly paged through the ledger, absorbing the columns of numbers and little asides scribbled by Bumby here and there. Then Matt looked up with a smile that was quite strained around the edges. "I see. Totally justified murder."

"Most definitely," Carol nodded, looking a bit sick herself. "And here I thought that man was a boon to total happiness, not – that."

"He was very good at building an image for himself as a philanthropist and social scientist extraordinaire, I have to give his burnt-out corpse that," Alice said with a sigh. "It took me a good year to figure out what the hell he was doing to those poor children inside Houndsditch, and I lived in the same damn house as him."

"While he was using all his best techniques on you," Smiler reminded her. "That probably didn't help you figure out the truth any faster."

"No, it did not," Alice allowed. "I guess I shouldn't be surprised that Wonderland sent my body stumbling all over the city when it forcibly dragged my mind back down the rabbit hole – it probably realized that the more distance between me and his damnable couch, the better." She shook her head. "Anyway – Mr. and Mrs. Alton, I'm sorry again for getting Smiler involved in all of this. My initial plan was to take that bastard down all on my own, but then I stumbled across your child in their usual selling spot in Silkshore, and – well, then my plan was just to tell them about Bumby's activities and hope to all the forgotten gods they believed me, but then Victor fell out of a wall near us and – and what we've been doing the past few days is probably going to take quite a while to sum up," she admitted, rubbing her face with a grimace.

"Probably – though I want to make it clear Victor and I volunteered to help her take down Bumby," Smiler added, holding up a finger. "Alice didn't drag us into anything – we dragged ourselves."

"Yes – if anyone d-dragged anyone else into their problems, it was me," Victor said, fiddling with the end of his tie.

"Don't you start – we've already established that Smiler and I chose of our own free will to help you and your ghost bride," Alice scolded him lightly but firmly.

"Exactly – so how about we all just acknowledge that we like to help each other and leave it at that?" Smiler suggested with a little grin.

"Sounds like a wonderful idea to me – why don't you come back to the MOJ with us and tell us all about it?" Carol suggested, face brightening back to "creepily cheerful" levels. "I very much want to hear this whole story – it sounds like quite the tale!"

"We'd be happy to put you up for the Names!" Matt agreed heartily. "I suspect you all could use a good meal and a proper bed to sleep in!" He eyed their dingy outfits. "And perhaps someone to do a bit of laundry?"

"I – I would like to get out of these clothes," Victor admitted, glancing down at his torn and stained trousers.

"So would I," Alice said, sniffing her blouse and screwing up her nose. "Ugh...and considering our meal options lately have consisted of surprise loaf and mushroom soup, something new to eat would also be appreciated."

"Oh, we can definitely provide that," Carol assured her. "We only have the best at the MOJ, and that includes our kitchens!" She winked. "You'll have never tasted coffee – or tea – so good."

Alice chuckled. "Actually, I might have, given I've been staying with Smiler the past couple of days," she said, with a glance in their direction. "Their tea has been a distinct highlight of that time."

Matt laughed. "Fair enough – our Smiler always has had a knack for mixing a drink! But yes, come on – we can get you set up in our little flat for the Names, and you can tell us everything you've been up to."

"That sounds – oh! Wait! Elder Gutknecht!" Victor cried, jerking his head over his shoulder. "He m-must be wondering what happened to us. I-I don't want to leave him in the dark – he's been so kind to us."

"Elder Gutknecht?" Matt repeated, raising an eyebrow.

"The person who – owns the house we've been staying in," Alice said delicately.

"He's been really nice, as Victor said – proof Reconciled spirits do exist!" Smiler added brightly, completely obliterating her attempt to be circumspect. "But yeah, we do need to let him know what's going on – I don't want him worrying about us needlessly." They turned their smile on their feathery passenger. "Fortunately, we've got someone who should be able to deliver a message to him right here. You could find your way home to Six Towers from the MOJ, right Sooty?"

"Rawk," Sooty said, in what Alice had to admit did sound like a fairly affirmative tone.

"I thought so! Though – that also brings up what we're doing with that ledger," Smiler noted, looking at the book still in Matt's hand. "Elder Gutknecht said he'd help us send it to an Inspector he knows that lives here in Charterhall…"

"I think we can do him one better – let's give it to that nice Miss Wright who runs Publick Occurrences over in Coalridge," Carol said to Matt. "She's very dedicated to the truth, after all – and I'm sure she'll see just how important this story is right away. After all, she's got a younger sister herself."

"That she does – and a strong sense of justice," Matt confirmed. "Which means she'll plaster this all over the city before Embers, I'm sure. By tomorrow, everyone will know exactly how rotten Dr. Bumby was."

"That is precisely what I was hoping to hear," Alice said, grinning as Cheshire rubbed up against her leg and the Insane Children cheered. "Thank you so much."

"Oh, thank you – you've done a lot for general happiness in the city, getting rid of that awful man," Carol said firmly. "Mar-Mal will be pleased."

"Definitely," Smiler confirmed. "We did good, you two!"

"...we did, didn't we?" Victor said with a small-but-growing smile. "I'm glad."

"Me too," Alice nodded. "But I think we've earned a good, solid rest now."

"Which you will definitely get at the MOJ!" Matt assured them, beaming. "We have a little bit of everything for everyone!"

"That's true – there's a big communal library with some private reading rooms, a couple of games rooms, some music rooms – including one with a pretty nice piano in it," Smiler added, lightly nudging Victor. "Maybe we could do a duet or two – I'm definitely breaking out my guitar once we get home."

"I – w-we'll see," Victor said, rubbing the back of his head a little awkwardly. "I'm n-not always c-comfortable playing in front of o-others…"

"What about those of us of a less musical persuasion?" Alice inquired to take the pressure off him. "I do like reading, admittedly, but I wouldn't mind having some space to draw as well. Been a while since I put pencil to paper – and had it come out looking good," she added with a squint at the Insane Children.

"We had to get your attention somehow," Leader scolded, hands on her hips. "Before you went down the way too far. But we don't need it anymore, so you can have it back." She glanced at Scribbles, contemplating her crayon. "Most of it."

"Oh, we've got plenty of both, so you can do as much doodling as you like!" Smiler told her. "And like I said, there's places to play games, places to watch various entertainments, places to experiment with different drugs – granted, given you've always turned me down when it comes to Joy Serum, you probably wouldn't be interested in those…"

"I'll stick with doodling for now, thanks," Alice confirmed, deadpan.

"Yeah, I figured – oh, but Victor! You should talk to some of our Whispers while you're there!" they said, turning back to him. "Maybe they can help you come to grips with your new ghost-sensing powers! I know you've been talking to Elder Gutknecht about it, but you should probably get the living perspective too."

"You're, ah, probably right there," Victor allowed. His eyes flicked left. "Um – i-incidentally, there's a couple of ghosts over t-that way, so – perhaps w-we should get a move on?"

"That sounds like a good idea," Matt agreed, looking from Victor to the spot where the ghosts supposedly lurked and back. "Come on – we can catch a gondola the next street over that will take us straight to headquarters."

"Please, lead the way," Alice said, gesturing. "And thank you again."

"Oh, it's our pleasure," Carol said, bright as a spark-craft bulb. "Any friend of Smiler's is a friend of ours."

"Exactly – you've got friends now, Alice," Smiler nodded. "Friends outside of Wonderland, anyway. How's it feel?"

Alice glanced down as glowing bleeding hearts grew through the cobbles at her feet, then up as dominoes and marbles started dancing through the sky above her. A smile spread across her face. "It feels – pretty damn good." Then she sniffed herself again. "Though I think it'll feel even better once I'm in some fresh clothes."

"Same," Victor said with a little laugh. "But it is very nice." He swallowed as they started off. "So, um, Mr. and Mrs. Alton – I-I guess this all starts with me making a terrible mess of my w-wedding rehearsal…"