Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Another one.

"Swing by Tuesday and I'll send you home with some fresh-made tamales, Spider-Man!"

"You can count on that Mrs. Cardenas! If there's one thing I love more than helping the community, it's free food!" Spider-Man jokes(?) in return, before shooting off a web without looking and effortlessly flinging himself up into the air with the beauty and grace of Tim Curry in 6-inch heels.

That's makes it, what? The seventh helpless civilian the webbed wonder has helped this morning that he knew personally by name.

[Helpless civilian might be a bit of an overstatement, he just got a kite off of her roof.]

"Yea but can you imagine if she tried to get it herself? Those shingles don't look too stable. Just imagine her balancing up there: Oops, one of the shingles got loose and she slipped! Next thing ya know? Dead!" Wade lets out a harsh puff of air through his mouth and slaps his hands together to illustrate the impact.

[Still, I see your point. It's a big city, the ratio of people he knows is pretty surprising.]

{Our little bug's a social butterfly!}

"They don't call him the Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man for nothin'!"

[Doesn't he call himself that?]

Wade bounces his legs cheerfully over the side of the building as he pulls his binoculars back up to his eyes, peering through them in search of his favorite little bug that had already skittered off by now.

"Sure! But that doesn't mean it's not accurate! We call ourself tons of things that make sense."

{Like Merc with a Mouth}

[Regenerating Degenerate.]

{Daddy Killah!}

[That one's just stupid. Don't we specifically stay away from killing parents now?]

Technically, Wade had been trying to abstain from most killing ever since a certain little creature made its way into his life. And no, he's not talking about the spider.

"No White, it's not the daddies that we kill. WE'RE the Daddy! And we have Killer good looks!" He sets down his binoculars to opt for rubbing his chin, bouncing them on his chest in satisfying movement. "Or maybe its that we kill daddies with our good looks? Either way it works!"

[It all comes back to killing fathers...]

"No! I changed my mind, I'M the dad and-"

"DAD!"

Wade perks up at the confirmation, pointing a finger into the air excitedly. "Yes that's right- uh, who said that? Yellow?" Sensing a change, he looks from side to side, in a fruitless attempt to see which of the intangible boxes spoke last.

A tinny, frustrated voice pulls him out of his bewilderment.

"Can you pause your creepy hobbies for a second and stay focused?"

Ah right, his little creature.

"It's called bug-watching." Wade corrects, wagging his finger at his phone scoldingly as if his daughter could actually see him from the audio call. "It's a real hobby you know! More underground than bird watching, but still to be respected." He says solemnly, then his mask stretches into a big grin and he pulls his legs over the edge to lay on his stomach and face his phone with head in hands like a teen girl ready to gab. "What's up, Buttercup?" Legs waving behind him accompany the excitement.

An exhasperated sigh and a sound that Wade would guess to be a palm hitting a face make their way through the speaker. "Were you even listening at all? I'm trying to tell you about Gabriella!"

"High School Musical?" Wades brow furrows. "Y'know, she was too good for Troy in my opinion. I get that they're just high-schoolers and it's understandable he had a whole identity crisis going on causing him to be a bit of a douche, but I still think Gabby deserved better. A lot of kids' movies just try too hard at pushing the whole "boy meets girl and they fall in love instantly" narrative that they don't really take into account their actual chemistry. Like remember in HSM3 when they made Ryan and Chad go to the dance with other people (girls) when they obviously have more chemistry with each other than anyone else in the series? That just felt way too pushed. Not to mention Ryan is blatantly gay-coded and Kelsi gives like, lesbo or ace vibes. Though I can totally understand them going as friends or like, lavender marriage vibes but as a date instead of actual marriage." Wade ends his rambling with a big gasp for air. Luckily because of his healing factor, his lungs can deal better if he just doesn't breathe for a while, making it easier to go on long-winded rants.

"You're 100% right, but I'm talking about the girl from school."

"OH! Duh doy!" Wade lightly punches himself on the head and sticks out his tongue out the corner of his mouth. His mask tastes salty.

{So ditzy uwu}

[Gross.]

"She's the girl that put gum on your desk, right?"

"YES!!!"

Wade tuts in disdain. "What'd that sneaky little snake get up to this time, my mini mousey-poo?"

"Well today to get back at her I totally embarrassed her in front of class this morning. I snuck salt into her thermos so when she took a swig she ended up snorting it up and spitting it all over the ground." Ellie- God bless her sweet little soul -starts snickering at the memory. "Then I gave her a super nice wave, totally pissed her off to the max!"

"Language!" Wade corrects, but he's positively bursting with pride. What a dastardly little creature he (partially) raised. Enough to make a grown man cry. In attempt to work off his pent-up excitement, Wade pulls himself to his feet to resume his bug-watching hobby, starting with a leap to the next rooftop in his search. "But good move kiddo, totally shows 'em who's boss. So then what happened?"

In true Wilson fashion, Ellie takes a gasp of air and dishes out the next piece of info in one long breath. "Well turns out we have stupid gym together too, AND her annoying friend Natalie was there. Anyway Natalie is apparently like mega sneaky cuz I was sitting down during basketball taking a break cuz some butthead dumb dude threw the ball in my face, and when I got up I freaking fell right on my face!!!! Turns out they tied my shoelaces together. And I KNOW it was them because they were totally looking at me evil after and Natalie was like right where I was sitting!"

This causes Wade to trip on his next leap between buildings, nearly missing his destination but managing to grasp onto the ledge at the last second and click his jaw harshly on the cement in the process.

{That oughta make us a couple bucks from the tooth fairy! I want a Gucci purse!}

"They what??" Wade exclaims with a bit of a lisp. "That is such a classic coming-of-age movie bullying move, Sweetcakes. If things keep going this way you'll have a fashion montage and become prom queen in no time."

"Dad, be serious!"

"Of course Princess! You don't deserve any of that! That little censored word is just jealous of your hip New Girl status. Weaklings just don't know how to handle themselves when faced with the power of Zooey Deschanel!"

"I know! But I'm serious Dad, if they can't stomach my coolness soon you can't get mad if I break a couple noses."

Wade pulls himself up over the ledge with a huff, tossing his phone up to get a better grip in the process. He collapses onto the rooftop face-first with a muffled grunt, then promptly grabs his phone and makes a strangling motion to the air in front of him in the picture of pure rage. "Trust me Princess, if you don't then I'll come over there myself!"

He shifts up to lean back on his haunches as he looks to the sky in thought. "I'm not sure how great I'd feel about beating up a kid, but I'd do it if necessary..."

He shoots a finger into the air and hops up excitedly. "Oh! But even better, why don't you get her dad to fight me? You know kids are all like 'my dad could totally beat yours up!'?" Wade quotes in a high squeaky voice, and nods to himself in satisfaction. "Yea, we could totally duke it out!"

Ellie scoffs- scoffs -at him. "I'm pretty sure nobody says that after grade school Dad."

But as as Wade makes his way over to the next building, grappling hook in hand, his mind is distracted as this discussion brings him back to a previous topic.

"Hey sweetheart? Do you think I'm a Daddy Killah?" He muses, shooting it up to the top of tall business building and tucking the phone between his head and shoulder as he starts the trek up.

[Like I said. It always comes back to killing dads. Are you gonna kill her nemesis' dad so you can earn your title?]

This time Wade just ignores White in favor of listening for his daughter's response.

"Gross, Dad. Don't call yourself Daddy."

"I don't mean it like that! Mostly. It's cute! You called me Daddy when you were little, it's just a sweet thing, from my sweet li'l thing!" Wade reaches the top and shoves his grappling hook back into one of his pouches as he turns on his heel to scope the place out.

"I was a kid. You're old, so don't call yourself that, weirdo."

Wade gasps, stopping his spin to promptly stab an invisible knife into his heart and drop down harshly into what he hopes is a perfect recreation of the Peter Griffin death pose. "Old? My kid is so mean to me, what'd I do to deserve this?" He makes a pathetic choking noise to broadcast his death.

He can practically hear Ellie roll her eyes over the phone. "You're so dramatic."

Wade props himself right back up on an arm to smile affectionately at his phone. "And now you know where you got it from!"

Suddenly, something catches the corner of his eye and he perks up, once again raising up his binoculars.

"What is it this time?" Ellie asks with little-to-no interest, apparently having heard his shuffling.

Wade squints, wondering if what he's seeing is real for a moment. He's hallucinated before [other than auditory-ly, that is], so it's possible.

{...adorbz}

Having caught sight of his favorite bug once again, Wade puffs a laugh at what meets his eyes.

"He's riding a baby bike, like a little clown." Wade discloses to Ellie through some unsuccessfully supressed giggles.

Sure enough, a full-grown man in red and blue spandex is balancing precariously on a bike with flame decals that is more than several sizes too small for him. Surprisingly, he manages to ride it a few yards before stumbling to a stop. He nearly falls sideways to meet the ground but quickly catches himself and covers it up with a grand gesture to his feat back at his audience. Wade follows his gaze to a small boy covered in various scratches that stands there looking uncertain.

After some other wild gesturing from Spider-Man, the kid finally brings himself to step up and place himself onto the bike with Spidey still holding onto the handlebars. They pedal like that for a moment before Spidey lets go of the bike- not for long, but just long enough that the boy gets a little free-riding time- before catching it again and bringing him to a safe stop. This results in a quick succession of excited high-fives and fist-bumps before Spidey starts up his excited gesturing again. Wade can't help but giggle once again at the whole debacle.

{That's our Spidey, making friends wherever he goes!}

"How likely do you think it'd be that we can trick him into being OUR friend?" Wade asks hopefully.

{I dunno, take notes from the kid. Maybe if we pretend we can't swim or something he'll come to teach us.}

[Is that really the best idea you could- ...Actually, nevermind.]

Wade perks up at the possibility of the boxes agreeing on something! That must mean it's a good plan!

"It'd probably be way more likely if you stopped stalking him like a creep."

Wade turns from his bug-watching to his phone with wide eyes and once again feigns his death, this time with a shot to the heart.

{Shot to the heart, and you're to blame!} Yellow sings in a scratchy falsetto.

"Kids these days! No respect for the arts!" Wade complains, laying back down with a hand resting on his forehead like a southern belle.

Sure Ellie had a point, and maybe it wasn't leading by the best example to um... politely observe people in front of his kid. Still, Spidey was a big part of the reason they moved to Queens and if he didn't at least appreciate the fact that Mr. Neighborly was regularly bouncing around their 'hood, then that was basically just a waste of money. And waste was bad.

{That's why we recycle!}

Also, people people-watch all the time so no harm done, right?

{Plus he's SO cute!}

"Tough. Now do you wanna hear about how I'm gonna get back at them on Monday or what?" Ellie's voice pulls Wade out of his ethical quandary.

Once again, the prospect of drama revives Wade and he pulls himself onto his side to curl up next to the phone and stare at it like it holds all the world's secrets. For a brief moment he considers advising his daughter to talk it out reasonably with her attackers like an adult, but where's the fun in that?

"Dish."

As Wade is filled with pure parental pride at the sneaky schemes his daughter discloses to him, he makes a mental note to craft up a scheme or two himself as he watches his favorite bug-themed superhero wave bye to his new bicycly-fluent friend and shoot off into the distance.

Chapter Text

New York was so much nicer when you weren't cooped up at work in a hot and humid building with heavily-struggling AC and a lazy janitor. How it was so hot in late April was beyond Peter, but he's pretty sure their building was just made for trapping heat, and all the people using the bathrooms for hotboxing probably didn't help.

Spider-Man perches on the edge of the toy store he's stationed at, enjoying the gentle, playful breeze that blows past. He wishes he could feel it in his hair but the mask blocks him from relaxing to the max.

More than several times Peter's regretted not making his mask something simple and light that just covers up his eyes like the other heroes. It tends to get sweaty in the summer, gross when he's spitting up blood on the regular, and worst of all ALWAYS gives him terrible hat hair. (Seriously, his poor curls were definitely permanently damaged). Unfortunately, that wouldn't do enough to appease his secret-identity-related paranoia.

Still, maybe he could on occasion wear a mask that just lets some of his hair peek through for the freedom. What if he cut the top just enough to let a mohawk peek through? Then it could look like one of those weird bicycle helmets people always get. That was sure to intimidate all of his opponents!

Deciding now was no better time for a patrol break (even though he barely started after getting home from work), Spider-Man pulls himself out of his spider-squat and lets his legs hang over the edge of the roof as he watches the start of the sunset on the horizon, continuing to enjoy the breeze.

Down below he catches a child and her mother leaving the store, the little girl excitedly hugging a new giant cat plushie in her arms, and Peter's lips quirk into a smile.

That smile is quickly replaced by a frown when his hypersensitive ears pick up on a shout in the distance. His spidey-sense doesn't seem to be alerting him of any immediate issue, though. Still, Peter pulls his old, creaky bones up into a stand with a grunt like the magnanimous conflict-resolver he is. "I'm literally a hyper-flexible mutated superhero, I should not have achey bones." He grumbles to himself as he then brushes himself off, biding his time before he had to go off and figure out the source of that shout.

Maybe all the kids were right, he was getting old.

Physically shaking that horrifying thought out of his head, Peter puts his hands on his hips and stretches from side to side. "Maybe I should take MJ up on that Pilates class." He muses aloud, before shooting off a web into the direction of the shout he heard earlier.

As Spider-Man nears the waterfront, tracking the space where he heard the yell come from, two voices become audible. The first of which is scratchy and high and likely belonging to a man, and the second seemingly belonging to a young boy. At this distinction Spidey becomes a bit more alert.

"C'mon kid, that obviously wasn't good enough. Try again, he's not gonna come unless it sounds convincing."

"Okay, then give me five more bucks."

As he swings closer, the duo becomes visible and Spidey drops himself down onto a nearby rooftop, wanting to gather a little more context from their conversation.

The two of them are standing at the edge if a pier. The man who... Unnervingly enough is dressed head to toe in red spandex and weaponry throws his hands around in wild, dumbstruck gestures. "Five more??? Kid! I paid you five for this one job. It's not my fault you're bad at it! You need to be responsible and correct your mistakes."

Visibly calming himself from his mania with a comforting hand on his stomach and a deep breath out, he then places a hand on the kids shoulder and says in a calm and wise voice. "Listen bud, I'm just doing you a favor. It's a harsh world out there and I'm just teaching you how real business works before you really get yourself into trouble."

The kid shrugs his hand off his shoulder and shakes his head stubbornly. "You scream then!"

"I can't scream!! He's way more likely to come rescue a kid than a grown man! Why do you think I'm paying you if I could just do it myself??"

The kid scoffs and crosses his arms, rolling his eyes as he turns his head away from the man. "Useless and stingy, are you sure you're a real adult?" Then he adds on a click of his tongue and a, "So lame."

At that the Red-Guy snaps out of his sober-state and makes angry strangling motions at the air in front of him. "The fuck?? I oughta teach you to respect your elders you little-"

Deciding he's seen enough, Spider-Man shoots a web at a nearby tree, catching the Red-Dude's attention, and pulls himself over in what he imagines looks like a graceful leap. He narrowly restrains himself from doing a gymnast's salute, instead opting to cross his arms in the disappointed manner he uses on all trouble-makers (works like a charm!) and asks, with a raised brow, "Sorry I must have interrupted your sentence. 'You little-' ..what?"

Red sputters for a couple of beats, before gathering himself, and in a sickly sweet voice says, "You little- Angel! Is what I meant to say." He laughs unconvincingly, then pulls the kid into a stiff side-hug and pats his shoulder carefully. "The two of us, we're totally friends here, you know? Two peas in a pod, actually!" In response, the kid glares at him from the corner of his eyes.

Spidey taps his foot, "Uh huh, very convincing." Still, he doesn't feel any real danger warning from his spider-sense so he doesn't web the guy up quite yet.

Now able to fully take in the weirdo man's appearance from this distance, his eyes narrow and something clicks. The red and black design... The white eyes with the black outline...

"Hey, you're the guy that stole my costume, aren't you?" He steps forward and stabs an accusatory finger in the mans direction.

The man responds with pure shock and a quick motion back as if he'd actually been stabbed. "Stole-" He squeaks out, then quickly clears his through and continues with a desperate urgency. "I didn't steal your costume man!! If anything, you stole mine! I came up with this design all on my own! And by that I mean I just bought it from a seamstress-" He quickly cuts himself off to turn to the side and mumble in a more sedated tone, "What's the male version of a seamstress?" He waits a beat and nods to himself, before turning back and continuing with same sense of urgency as before, "A totally professional seamstressman! Well, it was from his reject rack, I love me some clearance items! But still, it's like totally an original and basically my brainchild." He ends the rant with a resolute nods and a cross of his arms.

"Right. Sounds like you put a lotta thought into it." Spider-Man says in a very serious tone, bringing his hand to his chin in reflection.

The copycat nods his head quickly, looking pleased. "See? You get it!"

At this Spidey's mouth drops open in disbelief. Was this guy serious? Did his sarcasm not come through? Deciding this identity-fraud could be resolved at a later date, Spider-Man shakes off their conversation and instead turns to direct his attention at the kid.

"You okay kid? This guy harassing you?"

A shocked noise comes from beside him, but the boy ignores it and instead shakes his head. "Nah. He's kinda annoying but I'm fine." Another shocked noise.

Spider-Man nods. "Good. Well in the future try to avoid talking to weird men in parks, okay? New York etiquette 101 for you, ya don't want your mom finding you feet-side up in a garbage can somewhere, yea? You're the gas-station owners' kid, right?"

Another startled choking noise comes from beside them. You'd think the guy could figure out something new to say.

"You know this guy??? Seriously???"

Ah, there it is.

Both Spider-Man and Gas-Station-Kid opt to ignore anything outside of their own conversation. "Yea that's right, and you have a point. I'll be getting home soon anyway."

Spidey pats the kid on his shoulder approvingly. "Great! Well, take care, kid! If your parents bring back their BOGO Sandwich Sunday then I'll probably be seeing you around again!"

The kid raises his hand in a simple wave. "I'll let 'em know, thanks Spidey."

As Spider-Man turns to leave, shooting a web onto a nearby building, he hears clambering and stuttering start up behind him.

"Hold on! Spidey, wait!" Temu-Spidey calls. Real-Spidey pauses to tilt his head back over his shoulder expectantly.

Temu-Spidey fiddles with his hands and jumps nervously from foot to foot as he thinks up what Spider-Man can only hope is an articulate reason to hear him out. "You forgot- Uh. You forgot- ..Something."

BZZZZ! There goes the red buzzer. Spider-Man turns more in their direction just to offer a 2-fingered salute. "Uh oh, is that unspecified crime I hear in the distance? Guess that's my cue! Bye guys!" He then mimes a mic-drop, "Spidey: OUT!" And with that he flings himself away, hopefully to find someone who actually needs his help. Or maybe to find some tacos. Either works.

But unfortunately, that's not the end of it. "Hold on! I'm serious! It's an emergency and uh..." There's a moment of hesitation, and then a splash. From his new perch on top of an restroom-station Spider-Man looks back to see the pier missing a splash of bright red, and the boy pointing at the water with the most deadpan expression he's ever seen in his life.

"Oh no," He says in an equally deadpan and possibly scripted tone, "He can't swim, and I'm just a small child incapable of rescuing an adult. Whatever shalst we do?"

Ok so, definitely scripted.

Peter rubs at one of his eyes with the palm of his hand to relieve his stress. "Seriously?" He grumbles to himself, "Why do I always get the weirdos. The Avengers get like, aliens and robots and stuff."

With a sigh, Spidey brings himself back over to the pier to stand next to the boy. "Hey, get up." He says, half-heartedly kicking the edge of pier next to the now-thrashing water.

In response, a hand shoots up from below, and soon a face. "Help! Oh help me! I think the water's getting into my lungs! I'm drowning-" The words dissolve into some loud gurgling noises as the masked face drops back down beneath the surface.

Spider-man opens his mouth to respond, but instead is hit in the face with an especially large splash of water. He pulls at the bottom of his mask to spit it then wipes at his face with a groan. "Right. Sure thing, why hire a lifeguard when you can just use the guy that already has two full-time jobs? Right, okay."

With a sigh and a bracing hand on his hip, Spidey peers into the moving water below him, then darts out a hand to pull up the large and soggy man from below by the scruff of his costume.

Facing the opposite direction, the man seems to take a moment to register he's not "drowning" anymore before he stops his frustrating flailing. He then moves to pull his legs and arms up towards himself and look from side to side like a lost puppy.

Spider-Man rotates the man with his fingers so that he's facing them.

Now met with the unamused faces of the two guys standing on the pier, Soggy-Man brightens up cheerfully, as if he wasn't just supposed to have been in a traumatizing situation. "Oh wow thanks, I totally thought I was a goner there! My hero!" He proceeds to reach toward his savior with grabby T-rex hands.

"That's my name, don't wear it out." Hero responds as he slaps the guys hands away and places him back onto the pier.

"Seriously man, I can't believe that happened to me, totally crazy! I really should be more careful around water considering it could easily kill me instantaneously. Too bad there's so much of it around, I'll probably be traumatized every time I even see a drop of water now. Nobody can blame me if I don't wash my hands from here on out. Thoughtful sigh, if only there were someone who could teach me to swim, my Father didn't love me enough as a child to show me."

Did he just say "thoughtful sigh" out loud? Choosing to ignore that, Spider-Man waves off the soggy guy's ramble with a hand, pulling at his mask distractedly. What a great start to the night, now he'd have to swing around town all cold and wet. "Yea, yea, you're welcome. All in a Friendly Neighborly day's work. Anything else I can do to help, dear citizen? Otherwise I'm out of here." He stresses the last part of his sentence, hoping that's the main part that gets picked up on.

The big red guy claps his hands together in a please manner. "You're a modern-day Mr. Rogers, my good sir. May God rest his soul in a beautiful flower field with ten dozen doves."

He then tilts his head skyward as if truly contemplating Spidey's questions. "Though, now that you mention it, I am feeling pretty shell-shocked from that whole experience. There were a lot of shells down there, it was shocking. However, I think I would probably be healed if someone took me to get tacos." He hums to himself thoughtfully, then interrupts it with a sudden snap.

"Oh, also! Here's a crazy thought. You dont know how to swim perchance do you? Only asking because like, I need someone who could potentially become a really great friend and sidekick to teach me so I hopefully don't accidentally die like what almost happened before. Not saying it needs to be you or anything! I was just asking because I'm curious!" He then finishes off his ramble with what is probably meant to be a sweet and innocent smile. The eyes of his mask squint and the edges stretch to give this impression.

Spidey stands stock-still just staring at this guy. "Ok so: tacos and swimming lessons. ....Yea. Sure thing."

The very grown man then squeals and claps his hands together, once again jumping from foot to foot again in a fit of energy.

"Really? Wow this is so fantastamazing! You're such a kind soul Spidey, I totally wasnt expecting this!"

Spider-Man nods tiredly, "Well, they don't call me the Fantastamazing Spider-Man for nothing." He responds, then without warning goes to pick the giant and fully-grown man up in a cradle hold without breaking a sweat. "Alley-oop!"

Temu-Spidey lets out a surprised squeal and then wiggles around excitedly in Spider-Man's grip. Spidey feels a pinprick of annoyance as he needs to readjust his grip before once again shooting out a web and moving to swing the two of them up into the air.

"OMG OMG am I dreaming RN? Being princess-carried through the air by Spider-Man?? This is just like my dreams except for I'm usually only a little wet and wearing a princess dress, and you're played by the same guy who plays Thor with his shirt off!"

What... Was with this guy? Was he a crazy fan or something? Either way, Spider-Man doesn't trust how his hands seem to be straying from his shoulders closer to his pecs. Luckily, with one final swing they've arrived to their destination.

"Hm? Why are we here? Chimichangas are that-a-way." The Red Dude points in the general direction of the city as he looks down in confusion at the water below the even taller neighboring pier they're perched on.

Spider-Man looks below to gauge the water's depth, then gives a satisfied nod. "Perfect! Ka--- Chow!" He says as he drops the man from his arms and gives him a gentle kick further away from the bridge.

"Huh, what're you- EEEEEE!" Comes his response.

Ugh, now he's even more wet after holding that guy. Spider-Man shifts uncomfortably and tries to shake it off, before leaning over the edge of the pier with a hand shielding his eyes from the setting sun as he peers below at the thrashing water beneath him.

Sure enough, a red-masked face emerges from below and starts coughing up water before glaring up to yell, "Hey!! What's the big idea!!!" Spider-Man grins as the man effortlessly treads the water below.

With a half-hearted shrug, Spidey yells back, "A lot of people just drop their babies straight into the water to teach them to swim. Guess it worked on you!" He grins and gives a friendly thumbs-up.

The angry red man immediately stiffens as he takes note of his situation. Glancing down at himself doggy paddling easily.

"Oh." Is all he says.

"Hope you get over your shell-shock!" And with a peace sign, he hooks a web onto another building and pulls himself away, back towards the city.

Some more unintelligible noises of disapproval and disappointment follow him, but Peter opts to ignore it in favor of finding a nice dry place to gather himself.

When he makes a bit of distance, Peter stops to cling to the side of a tall building and spares a glance back at the scene behind him.

The sopping-wet man seems to have successfully pulled himself out of the water and onto land, and is now grumpily counting out some soggy bills for the expectant kid that has made his way over.

Peter puffs out an amused breath. There were definitely some weirdos in New York, but he guesses he couldn't be judging as the middle-aged man wearing bright red and blue spandex.

Chapter Text

So far none of Wade's plans have produced the desired results.

Pretend to need swimming lessons? That one was a resounding no.

Chase Spidey down and claim he was with an insurance company and needed to follow him around in order to limit his path of destruction? Also no.

Organize a Spider-Man fan-club and protest in front of the Daily Bugle for JJJ to shave his creepy caterpillar mustache? No no no. That one resulted in an angry mob (mainly started by Jonah).

Dress up like that dude from Say Anything and hold a jukebox over his head with the Spider-Man theme playing (yes it's canon in this universe)- Well that got some homeless guy dancing which let to a dance war between Wade and a few others. So that was pretty fun, actually!

Still, it seemed that somehow Spidey was yet to fall victim to Wade's boyish charms.

{Boo... Does he think we're ugly or something?}

"But our suit is so cute and our figure is amazing! Why would he think we're ugly?" Wade asks with a pout as he puffs out his chest and checks out an orange, then switches it out for another one which he throws into his basket.

Wade is currently on a shopping trip at his local market, dressed in a hoodie and cute sweatpants with the word "Queen" embroidered on them, along with his Deadpool mask and gloves. Normally he would be fine going mask-less at the market but today was a certified #bad-skin-day so he opted to go with what was actually less-likely to scare off the moms and kids milling about. Oh the woes of having a face immune to the powers of Accutane!

{Maybe he can see through the suit. Do spiders have x-ray vision?} Yellow asks.

[Uh, pretty sure not.] White replies. [And if I had to guess, I'd say he's just ignoring us because we're being a creepy stalker.]

"Boo! I'm not a stalker!" Wade replies, earning a concerned look from a nearby mom and her kid. He smiles at them sweetly and waggles his fingers in a wave, but this seems to have the opposite effect as they quickly walk off.

There go his attempts at not scaring any mothers or children this trip.

Anyway, it wasn't like Wade was just following around one of his fav heroes just for fun. He had a reason! And it was a good one. Just trust him!

{Although it still is pretty fun}

That it is!

{Maybe next time we should say Wade has cancer and hanging with Spidey was his make-a-wish.}

[Well, at least that one's kind of truthful. The cancer part, anyway. Though it's not like we can die.]

Wade double-checks all of the items on his list, making sure he got everything. He then moves to the checkout and with horror realizes there's a line, and an old couple walking up to it ahead of him.

{Cut them off! Quick!}

Wade races up to the line at max-speed, narrowly stopping himself from slamming into the person at the end of it and causing a pileup.

{SCORE!}

He turns to wave sweetly at the ticked off old couple right behind him. "I love your shoes!" He points to the old woman's loafers, earning a skeptical eyebrow tilt, then turns back around to look at the magazines and trinkets on display.

[Did Kanye really divorce another Kim Kardashian lookalike?]

{Ooh!! There's a unicorn candy dispenser! Get it! Get it!!!}

Wade promptly adds the unicorn to his basket. Then, with nothing else to do, taps his foot and waits patiently. Unfortunately, the person at the front of the line is apparently feeding an entire army so Wade lasts all of two minutes before he drops his shoulders with a groan. "Come on guys! Can we get a move-on? Some of us have places to be!" He holds out his arm to tap at his invisible watch.

But before anyone can shoot him a glare, the bell to the store rings and another presence makes itself known. "Everybody stay where you are! I'm robbing this place!"

"Ugh, get in line..." Wade grumbles to himself as he crosses his arms.

A somewhat scrawny man in an elephant mask makes his way over to the register, holding a gun up in front of him. "Alright lady, you know the drill. Open 'er up."

[Great, now we're stuck here even longer.] White comments distastefully.

"Sorry, 'scuse me." Wade mutters as he pushes through the other people standing in line to the front. He pushes back the items at the edge of the conveyor belt and plops his basket down there instead, moving to lazily lean against the counter in front of him.

"Listen guys, I know we all got our stuff going on here, but I have some important business to attend to. My daughter finally agreed to watch Friendship is Magic with me if I made her lasagna for dinner, so I gotta get that started before she gets home from school."

He makes a dismissive waving motion to their whole situation and continues, "So let's just get my stuff done with first and then you guys can continue whatever you were doing after."

The criminal, who alongside the cashier was just making a dumfounded face at him before, suddenly looks angry and starts waving his gun in Wade's face, who doesn't react in the slightest. "I get yer busy man, but I got places to be, too! Jimmy Kimmel's on at 4 and I need some pocket cash to get takeout before then. Just back up and lemme do my thing here."

Wade huffs an angry breath through his nose. "My thing is way more important buddy. Don't try and threaten me with your namby-pamby gun, I bet that thing's not even real!"

"It is too!"

"Oh yea?"

"Yea!" The criminal dude takes the safety off, but before he can prove his point the gun flies right out of his hands.

{I hope he has the receipt for that thing, pretty sure guns aren't supposed to do that.}

"I like showing off my guns as much as the next guy, but I think that's enough show-and-tell for the day, 'kay boys?" A familiar voice comes from above, and Wade's quickly tilts his head up to look at the source of the sound.

Sure enough, Spider-Man is there crouching on the ceiling, gently waving the criminal's firearm from side to side teasingly.

{I wish he would show us those fire arms..} Yellow says dreamily. {With all that swinging he does, he's totally built. Oiled up flexing Spidey-arms-- Yup, that's my new fantasy.}

"Do you think he likes sun-tan lotion?" Wade mutters back, which earns Spidey's confused gaze now on him. Suddenly, his lenses narrow, likely from recognizing Wade's mask now that it wasn't obscured by his hood.

Deadpool raises a hand and grins at the familiar face. "Hey Spidey! Fancy meeting you here!"

Deadpool can tell that he raises an eyebrow under the mask. In lieu of a greeting, he asks "Are you involved with this?"

"Huh? With what?" Wade asks, confused.

[Check your 10, dumbass.]

Wade looks slightly to his left and remembers the depressed-looking cashier and the guy that is now lacking a gun.

He looks back above him and gestures with his thumb to the criminal. "Oh, that guy? Nahhh man, never even met him in my life."

The robber guy nods in annoyance. "Yea, he's actually making this pretty difficult."

Deadpool brightens up at this, and gestures excitedly with this hand at the situation. "See! I'm basically like, stopping crime! Just like you! How cool is that, huh?"

"Okay.." Spidey trails off uncertainly. "Well, I guess that just leaves one guy to deal with." And with that, he shoots out a web that instantly cocoons the criminal and sends him uncomfortably crashing into the side wall next to the register.

"Cool!" Wade exclaims, and leans over the counter to get a look at the man-cocoon up-close.

"Ow." Says the criminal.

Spider-Man hops down from the ceiling and walks toward the robber, picking him up from the scruff of his cocoon similar to how he held Wade at their first meeting.

{Do you think he's a dog-breeder? Maybe it's muscle-memory from scruffing puppies all the time.]

[If anything pet-related, I'd think he'd be a vet. He's supposed to be smart, isn't he?]

"Plus he's a hero, dog-breeding isn't very ethical." Wade adds on, earning another odd look from the three people stationed behind the counter. Wade smiles and waves awkwardly.

Their gazes don't linger long though as Spider-Man soon turns his attention back to the misbehaving robber. "You're gonna sit in the hall like a good criminal while we wait for the police to come, alright?" He asks, moving to place the man in a sitting position at the end of the bag rack.

He then leans down slightly to get closer to eye-level with the robber as he adds, "Next time, try and find a better way to get your bread-money. Getting yourself sent to jail all the time is kinda counterproductive." He stands straight up again, hands on his hips. "I hear the deli place down the road is hiring."

With that, Spidey turns to leave. "See ya Lisa." He adds with a lazy wave as he heads out. The cashier then waves back. "Thanks again, Spidey."

Remembering himself, Deadpool starts up again, taking a single step after the Webbed-Wonder. "Wait, Spidey! Hold on, uh..." He looks down at his groceries, then the cashier, feeling lost.

She just waves him off, likely feeling this wasn't in her job description. "Just take it."

Wade grins and throws a couple 10s and the coupons he was planning to use her way, then grabs his groceries and starts to head out.

"See ya 'round DP." The webbed criminal calls as Wade runs past the checkout counter with his basket in tow.

Wade quickly pivots to walk backwards toward the doors as he glares at the elephant-masked criminal and raises his finger to his lips in a shushing motion.

"Shhh! I don't know you right now, Dumbo!" He hisses, then adds on a, "See ya 'round!" Before turning back around and racing towards the doors after Spidey.

Deeming the automatic doors as too slow, Deadpool pushes through the still-small opening and pops out, narrowly avoiding falling on his face. "Spidey! Wai- Aw shit, my tomato!" Deadpool fumbles to grab the tomato that flies out of his basket, but it's as if his hands are coated in butter. He probably shouldn't have tested the consistency of it in the dairy aisle earlier.

Right before it hits the ground, a web shoots out to grab the tomato and Wade looks up to see Spidey juggling it between his hands.

"Listen man, I'm flattered by your obvious obsession with me and all, but I kinda have a job to do and can't link up with fans. Do you want like a quick photo or something?"

Deadpool nods along with whatever Spidey is saying, but his words only partially register in Wade's brain as he carefully watches the tomato. He points towards it. "You're gonna bruise my tomato." He says.

Without missing a beat, Spider-Man tosses the tomato back and Wade places it in his bag gently.

With that out of the way, Wade looks back up at his idol. "Sorry, what were you saying?" Then the words finally register in his mind and he straightens up excitedly. "A selfie? I would LOVE a selfie!!" He immediately pulls out his phone and runs to Spidey, placing his fingers behind his head to give him bunny ears.

"Say cheese!" Wade sings, and quickly snaps a photo before Spider-Man has any chance to react. He pulls his phone back down to appreciate the photo.

A sparkly picture of him and a wide-eyed Spider-Man with kitty ears and whiskers greets him, and he giggles excitedly. "Super cute! I used one of those snapchat cat filters, wait'll I show Ellie!"

Spidey, who has gathered himself and is now squinting at the photo, leans back and rubs a hand against his face. "Uh, great dude. Just... please don't post that anywhere."

"Sure thing!" Wade replies cheerily.

{Yea! We'll just frame it in our house and show the photo to all of our friends!} Yellow agrees.

"If that's all, then-" Spidey points behind himself uncertainly, then turns to walk away.

Deadpool startles from looking at the photo on his phone and turns back toward the retreating bug. "Ah, wait! That wasn't what I needed to talk to you about though! Actually, um.."

Suddenly feeling nervous, Wade trails off and kicks the ground in front of him, shifting from side-to-side.

He can feel Spider-Man's expectant yet listless gaze on him, having successfully drawn his attention back.

[C'mon, out with it big guy. You've been waiting for this moment.]

"Yesss but that doesn't mean it's not nerve wracking!" Deadpool responds to White in a high-pitched whisper, leaning far to his left side and blocking his mouth with a hand so their conversation is private.

Before Spider-Man can react to his weirdness he stands up straight, hands on hips to instill confidence in himself. "Right, yea! So I have a proposition for you! It's totally a doozy you won't believe it!"

Spider-Man turns his body fully and crosses his arms, leaning heavy onto one side and tapping the foot opposite. "I'm listening..."

Glad he finally seems to have Spidey's attention, Wade grins and spreads his arms out wide to do jazz hands. "Let me be a hero with you!" He exclaims in a bright and exciting tone. Just to add to the effect, he starts hopping from one foot to the other and swinging his bag of groceries back and forth. He stops what he's doing to attempt a 360 spin with it and succeeds without spilling anything.

Spider-Man spends a few moments staring at him emotionless, before saying, "Sorry, what?"

"Let me hero with you, buddy boy! Seriously, I have all kinds of cool and rad skills. Also, I'm an orphan which makes me like the perfect Robin to your Batman. Maybe even eventually the Batman to your Robin! Who knows! I'm not sure how the superhero corporate ladder works around here but it's always good to consider how one might move up in the ranks! Anyway- Yes or no? Mon ami? Please say oui oui!"

{Hehe, wee wee.}

[Shut up.]

Spider-Man's seemingly emotionless lenses slowly narrow as Wade yammers on. "You're serious, aren't you?" He asks. "I totally thought you were just a crazy fan 'till now. Why are you trying to become a hero?"

Wade slows down his motions to instead slowly twirl his grocery bag thoughtfully.

[Should we tell him?] White asks. Wade rubs the back of his head uncertainly.

"Who wouldn't want to be a hero!" He says instead, giving Spidey a wide grin. "You get fans, babes, love and affection, and cool cars! It's totally awesome!" Then he rubs the back of his neck and adds in a quieter voice, "Plus, y'know, helping people and that jazz."

Wade rushes to tack on a bit more convincing, "Plus, as you saw back in the store, I'm already like, practically an expert on it! I just figured it would totally benefit me if I could learn more from the best there is!"

Spider-Man rubs his chin thoughtfully at this. Wade can hear him mumble "The best..." Under his breath.

He tries to keep stock-still as he awaits Spidey's answer, but he is this close to peeing his pants from the stress.

Finally, Spidey straightens up, seemingly having come to a decision, and Wade mirrors him by straightening his back out so quick it cracks.

"Yknow what? Sure. Who am I to turn down a learning experience?"

Wade brightens up immediately, unable to control himself any longer as he starts bouncing around Spidey with glee. "Oh my gosh are you serious???? I totally did not think that'd work! This is the best day of my life!" He sings the last part in a cracking falsetto as he replaces one of his bounces with a twirl.

Spider-Man halfheartedly follows him with his gaze as he continues, "But there are two rules!" He holds out his fingers in front of him, stopping Wade in his tracks before he bounces into his arm. "I've seen all the weapons you're normally strapped with! That being said: No killing, maiming, or causing any long-lasting harm at all that would end someone up in the emergency room!"

At the prospect of boring old rules, Wade immediately slumps into a crouch and puts his lowered head in his hands. "That sounds like more than two rules..." he mumbles.

"And rule numero dos!" Spidey speaks over him with heavy emphasis on the 'dos'. "Follow my lead. If I tell you to back down, back down. If I tell you to be quiet, keep that chatter under lock and key, get it?"

Deciding the exciting prospect of being Spidey's best-friend-sidekick outweighs the general bummer-ness of rules, Wade brightens up again and says in his best serious-voice (which isn't very serious at the moment), "Uh-huh, yes sir! You can count on me Spides! I'm a trained military-man, so you can just treat me as your soldier. I'm very well behaved, scouts honor!" He throws his fingers up in the scout salute.

Spider-Man nods slowly, "Were you in the military or boy scouts?" He asks, then shake his head, "Y'know what, doesn't matter. If you do anything bad I'll just web you upside-down off a bridge."

Deadpool squeals at this, clasping his hands together excitedly. "Ooooh! Promise?"

Spider-Man ignores his question and instead snaps and points to Wade as if he just remembered something. "Oh! One last thing: what's your name?"

[Huh? Didn't he already know us that first time?]

Wade startles, "Seriously? You know I'm the alleged 'Spider-Man Copycat' but you don't know my name?" He uses his fingers to do air quotes.

With disinterest, Spider-Man looks at his nails, which are actually hidden through his gloves. "I know a lotta people man." He responds smoothly.

Deadpool nods to himself in understanding, he did probably know more people than the average hundred people combined. "Right, makes sense. Well-"

Wade strikes a pose and points to himself with his thumb. "I'm Wade Winston Wilson, at your service! But my friends call me Deadpool!"

[Your friends? Be for real.]

For emphasis, Wade holds three fingers in front of Spidey's face. "And in case you were wondering, yes! That is a full alliteration with 3 whole W-names. If that doesn't scream 'super-hero material' then I don't know what does, eh?"

Spider-Man narrows his eyes and the corner of his mask quirks down in a frown. "Deadpool, huh? I dunno, that doesn't sound very superhero-y to me."

Wade waves his concern off with the laugh of a rich housewife, "Oh trust me darling, I'm harmless as a bug!" Then quietly snickers to himself at his secret joke, noting the very-potentially-dangerous bug in front of him.

He then holds up three more fingers and counts them off. "If you don't like that name theres also: Merc With A Mouth, Regenerative Degenerate, Daddy Killah-"

Spidey cuts him off. "Okay, again, none of those really make me feel better about you. And why would kill dads specifically?"

"Oh no thats a classic misunderstanding. You see, I'm the Daddy and-"

"Ew." Spiderman grimaces. "You just called yourself Daddy."

"No! That's-" Wade starts up, desperately starting to defend himself, before dropping his shoulders and letting out a dejected sigh. "You know what? Just forget that one."

[Told you it was weird.]

"It's cool," Spidey brushes off easily, "I'll just call you 'Pool." He says, and then looks up with what Wade can make out as a wicked grin under the mask. "That's a great name, isn't it? Totally alludes to your swimming prowess."

{God he's so hot, I love when he makes fun of us.}

[There's something seriously wrong with you.]

{Heart eyes}

"Works for me!" 'Pool responds, holding his arms out in a shrug. "So then, what's on my sidekick agenda then, Batman?"

Spider-Man absentmindedly scratches the side of his head as he thinks, his other hand resting on his hip. "Well, my break at work is almost over so I gotta head back soon, but maybe we could link up later tonight and you could trail me on patrol?"

{Ohmigosh, this is so a dream come true}

"Sounds awesome!" Wade responds brightly, then looks down at the bag he's holding and remembers his original plans. "Oh, but I can't tonight. I'll be busy watching My Little Pony with my kid." He hums to himself for a moment in thought, then says, "How about Thursday? I'm free Thursday!"

When Wade looks back at Spider-man, he looks a bit confused.

[Maybe he didn't expect us to stand him up for watching cartoons with a child?]

Sorry, but not even Spidey could top teaching Ellie about the magic of friendship.

Having not yet received an answer, Wade tilts his head to the side and asks. "What's up? Thursday not good? Or maybe you wanna watch ponies with us. You're totally invited if you wanna!"

Snapping out of it, Spidey shakes his head. "No, that's okay. Thanks. And sure, Thursday works." He finally says, and Wade grins at the confirmation. "Around 7? Meet back here?" Spidey asks.

"Right on!" Wade whips his fist in the air and whoops, then turns to leave as he waves, looking back over his shoulder. "Catch ya on the flippity, Spidey-kins! Try not to miss me too much in the meantime!"

He turns his head forward and hums a song happily. What a pleasingly productive day! Lasagna, ponies, and finally convincing Spidey to hang! While skipping away wade jumps up and clicks his heels together in glee. This causes his earlier tomato to tumble out of his bag once again and he quickly moves to chase it into the street with a muttered "shit".

A short distance behind him, he hears a chuckle quickly covered by a cough, and then the familiar sound of a web shooting off into the distance.

Wade picks up the tomato from the street before it tumbles in front of the wheels of an oncoming car, earning him a few r-rated words of joy from the driver. He spits onto the tomato and uses the moisture to rub the dirt off, smiling at his reflection in the now-shiny surface in satisfaction.

{I can't wait to get home and show Ellie Fluttershy!} Yellow exclaims.

[I'm more of a Twilight guy, myself.] White comments.

{We know that, you nerd}

[ >:( ]

{Hey, maybe pretty soon we'll be able to show Spidey-poo the power of friendship, too!}

[I'm still caught up on the fact that you called me a nerd.] White gripes.

{Oh please, it's just common knowledge. And Twilight is such a basic choice for a nerd}

Wade whistles cheerfully to himself as he continues his walk home. He half-listens to White and Yellow argue about who the best pony is, even though it's obviously Pinkie Pie and Yellow mainly likes Fluttershy because she's also yellow.

{Hey, I could hear that wiseass, I'm in your head. And so what if that's true?}

"You're totally right Yellow!" Wade says instead, earning him a couple of confused looks from his fellow pedestrians, "Me and Spidey are totally gonna make some magic! Do you think we should make friendship bracelets when we get home?"

{Duh.}

Chapter Text

"Are you sure you looked up the right guy?"

"He gave me his full name, Johnny. Like the middle one, too." Peter takes a moment to swallow his food before it all comes falling out of his mouth, wiping up the stray mayo at the corner of his lips before continuing. "Not to mention, like, three aliases."

"Well damn dude, guess you're stuck babysitting a crazed criminal then. Unless you ditch 'im, that is."

Peter slumps back against the bench he's seated on. "Ughh no, I can't do that. I already agreed show him the ropes or whatever, so I gotta stick with it."

Johnny nods along as he talks. "Right, and why did you agree again?" He asks uncertainly. Then looks up into the middle distance, and rubs his chin thoughtfully. "Oh, I remember!" With the other hand he mimes a mouth talking in sync with him, shifting slightly from side-to-side with each word. "Something, something, learning more from the best there is?" He stresses the last part as he leans closer and directs a sly smirk at Peter.

Peter slumps further and moves his eyes as far away from Johnny's smug face as they can go, grumpily mocking him in high-pitched gibberish under his breath. He wishes he hadn't told him that bit of what Deadpool said. So what if he wasn't immune to a bit of an ego boost now and then? Sue him.

It's not like it was just because of flattery, anyway. As far as Peter was concerned, he had a duty to help those in need, so who was he to say no when his assistance was being requested? Totally noble if you ask him.

Opting to ignore Johnny's taunting, he continues his earlier tangent. "Whatever, man. It's just, at first I thought he was some crazy fan. I mean, for one, he totally ripped off my costume. Not to mention made a literal Spider-Man fan club. That was a mess."

"But now it turns out he has history of being a mercenary. Also, apparently Loki's son? There was some weird stuff on there." Johnny shoots Peter an intrigued eyebrow raise and he shrugs back, then sighs and pulls himself out of his slump, instead leaning back to rest his arms on the top of the bench and look skyward. With another bite of his sandwich, he adds, "I dunno, I'm just feeling iffy about it now, is all. What if he has some other ulterior motive in mind?"

"You think he's trying to get in your pants, Parker?" Johnny teases.

Peter levels him with a glare. "That is so not what I meant, man. I meant more along the lines of wanting to kill me or steal my Spidey-blood."

Johnny gives a nonchalant shrug as takes another swig of his coffee, "Eh, it's nothing you cant handle. Just feel 'im out and if he tries to murder you or something then kick his ass."

"Well duh I can kick his ass." Peter responds with a scoff as he crosses his arms. "It's the not knowing if I should kick his ass that's the annoying part. And what if he manages to do something bad while I'm busy debating whether or not to do said ass-kicking?"

"Well, then you're screwed." Johnny says flippantly, waving it off with a hand.

Peter sighs, "You're a real pal, Johnny." He says sarcastically.

Johnny turns to give him another sly grin, "Hey, I'm your friend, not your therapist. I don't have control over all the dumb shit you agree to!" He elbows him playfully.

Peter unwillingly puffs a laugh. "Fair enough." He responds, rolling his eyes and punching him back.

Johnny grins mischeviously then pulls away again and mirrors Peter in leaning back as he continues, "Who knows though, Pete, maybe he really is trying to be a hero. At least if he is then he'd have a better chance at actually helping. Unlike all the powerless nerds out there that put on tight spandex and end up with three broken bones, 2 ambulances, and an indecent exposure charge when they try and save a cat from a tree."

Peter drops his head to the side uncertainly. "If that is the case, I just don't know why he would hide this from me."

"It's not like he didnt give you his name knowing you could look it up." Johnny shrugs, "Besides, if i was trying to get on the up-and-up and neefed a hero's help, I probably wouldn't wanna tell them about my freaky past either."

"I guess..." Peter trails off thoughtfully. It's not like he didnt believe people could redeem themselves. Even he had plenty of problems throughout the history of his life that he needed to work through. With a grin, he adds, "That was shockingly insightful Johnny."

Johnny shoots him a glare, though the bottom half of his face is grinning. "I'll shock you for real man." He says as he lets a small flame out of his finger and tauntingly pushes it into Peter's space.

Peter leans away and pushes his arm back. "Knock it off." He warns jokingly, words becoming muffled as he pops the last of his sandwich in his mouth.

With that done with, he crumbles up his wrapper and throws it in the far-off trash can far with ease.

"Showoff." Johnny mutters with an audible eyeroll as he withdraws into his own space.

Peter then wipes his hands on his pants and picks up his drink for a slurp. "Alright, I gotta get heading back now. I have a demonstration I wanna prepare for before my lunch break's over. It's actually pretty interesting-"

Johnny groans, "No way dude, spare me from your nerd talk. I'll see you Saturday for movie night. Teresa's coming too, right?"

Peter finishes gathering up his things and stands up straight. "Yep, she'll be there."

"Good, she owes me five bucks." Johnny nods in satisfaction, before scooping up his drink and standing up alongside Peter. "You better not stand me up again this time, got it? I'm not lying when I say I will burn your apartment down one of these days."

"Got it, got it." Peter says, patting his friend on the shoulder halfheartedly as he adjusts the strap on his messenger bag. "I set an alarm and everything."

One of the downsides of having a hotheaded-in-the-double-meaning-way superhero bestie is that there was probably a 40% chance he wasn't joking about the apartment-burning thing. And Peter had already given him a key to his apartment at some point to water his plants while he was out-of-state so that didn't help things much.

"Well, set another one." Johnny demands, pointing at Peter scoldingly, "For someone who's catchphrase is 'with great power comes great responsibility', you're not very  responsible with your time."

"Setting it now." Peter says, raising his phone out of his pocket to show his commitment.

With that, Johnny finally seems satisfied and nods. "Peace out then, man. Good luck with your murderer babysitting gig."

Peter chuckles halfheartedly at that, then smooths himself out before heading back to work. No use worrying about it now, anyway. If that Deadpool guy was real trouble, he could just find out later tonight.

---

"Hey, we need to talk." Peter tries, mumbling to himself as he paces the roof.

"Nope. Too breakup-y." He resigns, then pulls a tough-looking scowl at his face and jabs a finger out towards his invisible audience of one, "Siddown buster, I got a bone to pick with you!"

He stops his pacing to sigh and roll his eyes at his own stupidity, "That's so dumb. What am I, a mob boss? And who says 'buster' anymore?"

Peter arrived at his and Deadpool's agreed-upon meeting place a bit early because he knew he'd need to schedule a little time for his much-needed Pacing and Plotting (TM) time.

Regrettably, the Amazing Spider-Man did indeed have his weaknesses. Very few! But they were still there. One of which being the dreaded confrontation. It was his least favorite part of his job. Well, both of them really.

Don't get him wrong, physical confrontation was no biggie whatsoever. If a guy or 10 needed to be put in check, he would gladly confront them on their questionable life choices with a few perfectly placed punches and quips along the way. Peter had even reached a point where he was decently comfortable with verbal confrontation, whether it be with angry bosses or snobby parents.

It was the confrontations that exited Peter's realm of predictability that were the real pain in the rear for him. And that Deadpool guy was anything but predictable.

"Alright dude, be cool." Peter tells himself, resolutely walking himself to the edge of the roof to sit down so he doesn't continue his pacing.

If Spider-Man was going to be working with Deadpool, he wanted to make sure his intentions were legit. That meant addressing the elephant in the room to get any uncertainties out of the way right off the bat. Because that was the way Peter liked to get things done.

He sits for a moment, tapping his arm impatiently as he waits for Deadpool to arrive, before giving up and getting to his feet to continue his pacing. "Tell me Son, what are your intentions-"

"Heya Spidey!" A voice calls suddenly, startling Spidey out of his skin.

"Holy matrimony!" He shrieks macho-ly exclaims as he jumps and sticks onto the wall of the neighboring building.

"Hm! What's that? Hearing wedding bells already?" Deadpool's surprisingly expressive mask reveals a grin and jumping eyebrows.

Peter takes a moment to gather himself, still clinging to the side of the building. So far, this guy hasn't made his spider-sense go off once. He could understand that being the case before if the guy meant no real harm. That was actually one of the reasons he interpreted his earlier actions as fan-behavior rather than anything malicious. Still, regardless of that being the case or not, it almost always warned him if someone was sneaking up on him. Maybe something to look into later.

Spider-Man finally climbs down from the wall and hops back onto the roof. "Jeez man, where'd you come from?"

Deadpool keeps on his smile and points down at the store below them, then holds up a bag in his hands that Spider-Man notices for the first time. "I was getting Cheez-its. Want some?"

Spidey follows his finger, then eyes up the box. "Nah, I'm good."

Deadpool shrugs and cracks open the box. "Suit yourself." He says, then proceeds to tear open the bag, turn to the side as he pulls his mask up to his nose, and pour a waterfall of cheez-its into his mouth.

He then pulls his mask back down as he turns back to Spider-Man, chewing with cheeks stuffed like a hamster. "Oh! But I actually got you something!" He exclaims through a mouth full of crackers.

"You did?" Spidey asks skeptically, tilting his head to try and figure out how Deadpool was talking when he had what had to be like half a box of cheez-its in his mouth.

He nods and reaches into his pouch to get it. Suddenly the distance between them is closed and a purple, blue, and pink braided bracelet with various beads is dangling in front of his face. "Ta-da!" He exclaims, voice still muffled from his cheeks being stuffed. "I made you Twilight colors 'cause I know you're like kinda nerdy. And I think it's fitting that she's a princess, and you're kinda princess-y you know? Like, protector of the people-y, but you don't feel like a Celestia or Luna and anyway we're keeping it limited to the Mane Six. They also double as the bi colors but if you don't wear it because of that it's actually pretty homophobic and I'll tattle on you."

Spider-Man's brain stalls to process all of that information as he takes the bracelet held out to him. "Nerdy?" Is what he settles on, "Why would you think that?" Sure, Peter was nerdy, but that was Peter. Not Spider-Man. He doesn't think he acts all that nerdy as Spidey.

With a big gulp, Deadpool seemingly clears his mouth of all cheesy remnants as he finally takes a deep breath and levels Spider-Man with an intense look. His hands are clasped together in front of his chest as if he's about to deliver some world-changing news. "Oh honey bunch, I can SMELL it on you." He says seriously.

Peter can't help but flinch. Was he seriously that obvious?? How lame was he that even as arguably the coolest superhero in New York, people could just tell he was a nerd? If something was finally going to push Peter off the edge into a mid-life crisis, this might be it.

(Though he regularly wonders if that time when he exclusively ate Lunchables for every meal in his late 20s counted as a mid-life crisis? Maybe he was just bound to die in his 50s.)

But as soon as he said it, Deadpool instantly brightens up and starts digging through one of his many pouches as he says with a grin, "Don't worry though, it's a good thing!" His hand then emerges with another bracelet.

He waves it back and forth in his hand, this one being made up of light and dark pinks. "I made myself a Pinkie Pie one. Cute, right?"

Spidey's eyes catch on the beads spelling out "BFF" on Deadpool's bracelet. He looks down to his own and, sure enough, it's mirrored on that one. "These are friendship bracelets?" He asks uncertainly.

"I mean, yea. We're basically besties now, arent we?" Deadpool shrugs casually as he ties his own bracelet around his wrist and admires his own work with a pleased expression.

"Uh..." Spider-Man trails, then his brain catches up and he remembers that he was originally planning to call out Deadpool. Man, that guy was so disorienting and all over the place it was easy to get distracted. "Actually, no!" Spidey gathers himself and pointedly shoves the bracelet back into the mercenary's chest. "I got a bone to pick with you, bud."

Deadpool looks down at his hand, and gingerly takes the bracelet back as he tilts his head in confusion. "Huh, do you not like the colors?"

"What? No, the colors are fine." Spidey corrects, once again set off-course by Deadpool's unexpected reaction. He smacks himself lightly in the head to get his thoughts back on track, before saying, "I looked you up."

This causes Deadpool's eyes to widen. "Did you!" He exclaims/asks in a much higher voice than before, moving to lean back stiffly on one leg and cross his arms. If it wasn't already a horrible attempt to appear more casual, then the way he was anxiously tapping his fingers on his arm would give him away.

"Yea, I did. So why didn't you tell me you were a mercenary??"

"Ex-mercenary," Deadpool corrects, then falls in on himself a bit, looking a bit more insecure as he averts his gaze and scuffs his foot on the ground in a nervous motion, "And, I dunno man. I guess I figured you knew already. My name kinda had a bit of a reputation. You looked it up, right?"

"...Yea." Spidey supposes Johnny was right when he said it's not like Deadpool really tried to hide it from him. That doesn't mean he's fully appeased though. "Still dude, that's kinda the sort of thing you should tell someone right away!"

"Right.. No, you've got a point. My bad, Spidey." He backs up a few steps before continuing. "I know the merc thing can be pretty hard to swallow, I'll just get out of your very red hair then. If you have hair. Is your hair made of webs? That'd be cool. Although Spiders have hair, don't they? Anyway, bye."

"Hang on, Deadpool." Spider-Man calls as Deadpool starts to put a leg over the side of the building. He jerks slightly at his name being called and turns wide eyes back on Spidey, tilting his head curiously.

Spidey moves to snake a hand through his hair before remembering it's blocked through the mask, and quickly drops it to his side with a tired sigh. "I'm not saying I won't still help you, dude. I just, I dunno. I wanted to clear the air. You mentioned you're not a merc anymore, right. So, you're serious about this?" He asks uncertainly.

"As a heart attack!" Deadpool exclaims, straightening up a bit and slapping his hand over his heart twice as if mimicking a heartbeat.

"Ok. Good. So we're good then."

"Really??" Deadpool's eyes grow wide, before he throws a fist in the air in celebration. "Awesome!! I won't let you down, Spidey!"

"Awesome." Spidey echoes, not really sure what to say next, and not sure if he should be regretting his decision.

Deadpool also grows silent, engaged in kicking around a rock on the roof for a moment before looking back up and starting in an uncertain tone. "Sooo.... No bracelet?" He asks, holding up the bracelet from before with what is likely meant to be a tempting wave.

Spidey looks down at it for a moment before swiping it up in one quick motion. "Of course I want the bracelet, man!"

What could he say? Twilight was an icon.

Spider-Man puts it on resolutely, then turns back to Deadpool and once again jabs him in the chest with a finger. "Now lets go catch some baddies."

---

As it turned out, whenever Spider-Man actually wanted there to be crime going on in New York (that was a bad start to a sentence, wasnt it?) everyone chose that time to be on their best behavior.

Deadpool was surprisingly good at keeping up. Spidey expected the guy have trouble matching his speed, but while Spider-Man was able to get around with his regular webslinging, Deadpool kept up by hopping between buildings and using his grappling hook whenever necessary. Where he pulled that thing out of, though, Spider-Man has no idea.

The thing that was posing to be an issue, however, was the sheer amount of times Deadpool seemed to get distracted by pretty insignificant things.

"Look Spidey! This Pigeon's trying to eat a baseball hat!" Deadpool shouts up with a hand framing his mouth from where he stands on the sidewalk below. Peter stops his swing prematurely to look back at the giddy ex-merc that is pointing excitedly at the pigeon.

"That's great, 'Pool. Let's keep it moving, alright? We- Oh wow, it actually took a chunk out of it."

Deadpool puts his hands on his hips and chuckles, looking impressed. "This little buddy must have a stomach of steel. I respect it." Then he tilts his head just a smidge to the side as he adds, "Hm? You know we probably could. I'd say we've eaten even worse before."

That's another thing, the guy just kept talking to himself. Apparently the constant chattering wasn't enough, he must have also had an internal monologue to add to everything.

"HEY SPIDEY!" Deadpool calls again, once again framing his mouth to yell and waving frantically with the other hand. "DO YOU DARE ME TO EAT THIS HAT??"

Ok, now that would be fun to see. "Uh..."

No. No hat eating, they had a job to do. "Imma take a raincheck on that, Deadpool. Let's get back to patrolling now, ok?"

"Ok!" In an instant, Deadpool skips off toward the building Spider-Man is perched on and uses the fire-escape to pull himself to the top. "Hey, so I was just wondering. We've been running around for like..." He counts on his fingers carefully, "Three-ish hours now and all we did was help that old lady find a trash can."

He plops down next to Spidey on the ledge with no concern about how close he is to falling off the edge. But then again, he has been roof-jumping and wall-scaling this whole time. "Is this like, a warm-up or something? I mean if this is a regular day-on-the-job that's totally fine. But like, I thought there was generally a lot more punching and rescuing maidens than this. Again, totally fine if there isn't. Just askin'." He then starts to whistle and kicks his legs over the edge.

Spider-Man groans and rubs a hand across his face. "I honestly don't know what to tell you. Normally people are more needy than this."

Deadpool nods understandingly, but Spider-Man gets the feeling that he's just trying to make him feel like his job isn't super lame and that has the total opposite effect. "I get it, no worries. Hey, you know, I saw this poster for like this therapy clinic or something that was all like 'not every problem is visible' so maybe we should just go around asking people if they need help or something. I'm not saying like give them therapy or anything. I'm not sure I'm qualified for that, honestly. But like, maybe they have an evil twin that needs taking care of, or a cat they forgot to feed or something. Unless you think we should give them therapy, in which case I can totally try. I watched Girl Interrupted so I have some idea of what to do."

Peter nods as he talks. "You have a point. Though I'm not sure Girl Interrupted is the best example for anything therapy-related." Deadpool simply responds with a shrug, like he doesn't fully agree.

Spidey leans over the edge of the building to scope things out, before yelling at a group of civillians. "Hey!!! Do you guys need help??!"

Several people in the friend group look from side-to-side for the noise before one of the guys finally looks up. His eyes widen slightly at the sight of Spider-Man, before he bumps another friend's shoulder to get their attention. They frame their mouth with their hands as they yell, "Uh, no thanks Spider-Man!"

"Are you sure? Absolutely nothing???"

"We can even help you talk through your relationship with your parents! This is a safe space!" Deadpool adds helpfully.

"Nah, we're good!"

Spider-Man waves it off with a hand and leans back on his elbows as he turns to Deadpool. "Well, that didn't work. Any other ideas?"

"...Have you ever done a keg stand with slushees before?"

With a tilted eyebrow, Spider-Man opens his mouth to reply, before a scream rips through the air in time with a zap from his Spidey-sense.

"Finally!" Spidey exclaims, getting to his feet. "I mean uh," He puts on a heroic voice and shouts with chest puffed and hands on hips, "We're coming, dear citizen!"

He turns to Deadpool as he shoots a web onto a nearby building. "Let's go!"

The scene they're met with is nothing new. A couple of muggers are barricading two girls into the wall at the end of an alley. They're both dressed in stylish clothes, which unfortunately must have screamed wealth to their attackers. Peter's pretty sure MJ raved to him before about the shoes the brunette girl was wearing.

One of the muggers has a knife and the other has a hand over the blonde girl's mouth, likely the one that just screamed. The same guy is also closely clutching onto two purses which Spider-Man has to assume aren't actually his.

"Ohmigosh I love your purse! Where'd you get it?" Spider-Man calls out, and as soon at the men both turn to look in surprise, he shoots a web out to fling the knife out of the mugger's hand.

"Shit, Spider-Man!" The purse-holder spits out, and starts to dart.

"Don't forget meeeeee!" Deadpool sings as he cheerfully takes a large step off of the edge of the roof. Spider-Man startles for a moment, but he just bowls the mugger onto the ground before he can leave the alley and says, "Yowchie mama! That had to hurt! For you, I mean!" From beneath him is a drawn-out groan of pain.

"Shouldn't you be fighting aliens or something, Bug-Boy?" The other mugger says, putting on an air of aggression, but he's now backing up towards the two girls, eyes darting around looking for a place to run.

"Not today bud. Unfortunately, you're the best we got. So just try and enjoy this moment we have together, okay?" He lets a web shoot out of his wrist to wrap the guy up with a "Whapow!"

Spider-Man puts his hands on his hips disappointedly with a sigh as he watches the mugger struggling angrily on the ground. "Well that was too easy, I'm kinda disappointed."

"Wedgie attack!" Comes from the left, and Spider-Man turns to see Deadpool pull the other mugger's underwear nearly up over his head and stick one of his katanas through it to leave him dangling from the wall. "Oooh, polka dots! Very classy!" He comments, the mugger look as equally embarrassed as in-pain. Deadpool then grabs the purses from the mugger and starts patting him down.

Spidey gracefully leaps down from the roof, "accidentally" landing slightly on the webbed-up mugger's leg which earns him an agitated hiss of pain. "Are you ladies alright?" The blonde one, who is still catching her breath looks down at the mugger and nods slightly. "Uh, yeah."

Peter then recognizes the girl as someone he helped out in a hold-up before. Poor girl, guess trouble followed her around, too. "Stacey, right? It's great you girls are walking together but it's still good to be extra cautious at night. Though I'm sure I don't need to tell you that, especially now. Do you have anything for self-defense on you?"

She shakes her head.

Spider-Man reaches into the hidden utility belt sewn to the inside of his suit and pulls out one of the mini personal alarms he carries around for situations like this. "Just pull the string out and it'll scream like hell for you if your mouth is blocked." He says, handing it over to her open hands. "And maybe try and spring for some pepper spray or something when you girls got the time. Couldn't fit it in the utility belt." He shrugs sheepishly.

"Did I just see you pull that out of your underpants?" Deadpool asks, bounding over with the girls' purses in hand. Spider-Man shoots him a dirty look, but Deadpool ignores it in favor of observing the girls with a hand on his chin. "Let me guess..." He hands out each purse to a different girl, "Yours, and yours."

They both nod dazedly.

"Knew it!" Deadpool sings, "Totally mitchy-matchy. That skirt is so cute, by the way!" He says, pointing at the brunette girl's striped brown miniskirt.

She blinks at him for a moment, before a small smile quirks at the corner of her mouth. "Thanks." She says, speaking for the first time.

"Yea uh, thanks Spider-Man. And... you." The other girl adds.

"Deadpool at your service, miss ma'am! My pleasure!" He raises a hand up and gives a grin.

"Did you girls wanna stick around to give police reports? Otherwise, we got it from here." Spider-Man says to the girls as he rolls the webbed-up mugger to his side to check that he's fully restrained, then lifts him up to throw over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. He gets a few R-rated exclamations in return but opts to ignore them.

"Sure... we can stick around." The blonde girl says. Spider-Man gives a nod then turns to take the mugger out onto the sidewalk, noticing that Deadpool has already tied up the other mugger with a rope, giving him a big thumbs-up.

Spider-Man makes sure the two muggers are fully secure and waits until he hears the distant sound of sirens before waving bye to the girls and heading off.

"Didja see that Spidey? I did it! No violence!" Deadpool exclaims as he follows Spider-Man to the top of another roof, this time hefting himself up the fire escape.

Spidey chuckles lightly, "I'd say jumping on that guy from the top of a building at least sort of counts as violence. But you handled the situation great 'Pool, good job."

An honest-to-God squeal comes out of the large man as he waves his hands excitedly. "OMGOMG, Spidey just praised our work in front of the whole class! This is like Kindergarten all over again if I actually did good in Kindergarten. Do I get a gold star??" He's practically bursting out of his skin with excitement.

Peter chuckles again. "Nope, but I do think we deserve a food-based reward." He says musingly, looking out at their surroundings to determine what's nearby. He then tilts his head back in Deadpool's direction and gives the most charming grin he can muster. "Your treat, of course!"

What could he say? He had a jacked up crazy metabolism and a sub-par salary. Can't blame a guy for trying.

But Deadpool doesn't seem bothered in the slightest as he quite literally jumps at the opportunity. "Sure thing, Mr. Clean! Can't have you wasting away from malnutrition! That'd be a nationwide travesty for anyone prone to ogling your ass! Myself included."

Spider-Man just chooses to ignore that since it means he'll be getting free food.

"Unfortunately, most fine establishments are closed at this hour. But lucky for you, I know one nearby that's willing to feed me anytime of the night and day alike! Mainly because of large tips I leave and that time I kicked Rhino out when he was making a Ruckus, but also because they loooove me!" He frames his face in what is probably an attempt to be cute. Spider-Man can practically hear eyelashes fluttering against his mask. "Hey! Put that on my resume, yea?" He adds with a snap.

"The Rhino thing or the people actually liking you thing? Because I'm not sure which is more impressive." Spider-Man responds with a smirk and crossed arms.

"Oof! Words hurt, Spidey. But I know you say it with love." Deadpool raises the back of his hand to his forehead like a maiden in distress and flicks an imaginary tear from the corner of his eye.

In a 180°, he slaps both hands on his thighs and says determinedly, "Okay! Let's get going to Cariña's!"

Spider-Man raises an eyebrow in surprise. "Cariña's? I'm surprised you know 'em. Isn't Mrs. Cegarra still operating out of her house while they save up for a food truck?"

Deadpool lets out a laugh that reminds Spider-Man of a rich golfer. "Oh Sweetcakes, I spent my first week here trying every Mexican food place in Queens and rating them in a variety of areas. No matter if they actually have an official establishment or not!"

Spider-Man's jaw drops. "Seriously??? In your first week??? That's a lot of places, 'Pool!"

He grins and shrugs, "What can I say! Lotta time lotta money lotta hungry!" He pats his stomach to illustrate. "My kid got really sick of it two days in, though. I could NEVER get sick of tacos of course. But lemme tell you, advanced metabolism or not, that many of them do NOT sit right in the gut!" He makes a waving motion with his hand in front of his nose and then starts giggling evilly.

Spider-Man laughs, "Yea, I'd bet man! Still, color me impressed. Going through all that would take me at least two weeks to get through. And you're not the only one with an advanced metabolism."

Spider-Man just sits with that for a moment. Out of everything he's seen from Deadpool so far, that just might be the most impressive thing. He then brings himself back to the present with a nod. "Anyway... Alright, Cariña's it is!"

The two heroes (or one hero and an intern) head off to get their goods from Cariña's. The owner seemed to, of course, be asleep at this time. But after a partial rendition of Deadpool singing "Sabor a Mí" outside the door, a tired-looking Mexican woman comes down and ushers them in. Whether it is because she truly welcomes Deadpool at any hour, or she just wanted him to stop singing in that scratchy, borderline tone-deaf voice, Spider-Man couldn't say.

Peter orders 6 of their street tacos and Deadpool a buttload of chimichangas. While waiting for their food, Deadpool gabs with the woman in fluent Spanish, which Peter can only partially keep up with. He also knows Spanish but only at like, the high school level, whereas Deadpool seemed to be fluent. He gets the impression that they're gossiping though, with plenty of gasps and mischievous snickers spread throughout. After receiving their mountain of food, Deadpool pays, leaving a hearty tip that almost causes Spider-Man to gag. Guess Mrs. Cegarra will be able to afford that food truck in no time. With one last polite apology from Spider-Man for waking her up, the two men head off to find another roof to eat on.

As soon as they reach the top, Deadpool falls down on his ass and immediately starts rifling through the bags, pulling out Spider-Man's tacos and pushing them towards him. Spider-Man takes a seat next to the man and graciously yanks his mask over his nose to start ripping into his tacos.

An unholy moan escapes the man next to him and Peter turns to see Deadpool with his back turned, double-fisting the food into his mouth. "Fuck, Cariña's, man!" He says, barely audible through his stuffed mouth.

Spider-Man shrugs and turns back to his own food, letting the ex-merc have his moment. Soon, though, he feels a set of eyes on him and turns back to see the man now expressionless and sedated, staring at him. Or, more specifically, staring at his tacos.

"What?" He asks through a stuffed mouth.

Deadpool shrugs and pointedly looks away to the sky, his eyes flitting back to Spider-Man's tacos only seconds later.

Spider-Man chews and swallows, raising an eyebrow. "Why are you eyeing up my tacos, don't you have your chimichangas?"

Deadpool shrugs again, starting to kick his feet over the edge of the roof. "Yea, but I like tacos better."

Spider-Man may or may not snort up a bit of his mouthful in surprise. "Seriously??? Then why'd you order that whole mountain of them?"

Deadpool grins at that, "Because they're fun to say!" He looks back up at the sky and starts leaning from side to side as he says, "Chimichangas. See? Chimichangas chimichangas chimichangas. Chimini-chimini-changas. I could go on."

Spidey rolls his eyes, moving his head with it to make sure its obvious through the mask. He grabs a box holding three of his tacos and pushes it in Deadpool's direction, grabbing a portion of Deadpool's ginormous stack of chimichangas in return.

"Oh Spidey, you shouldn't have! You're a real doll!" Deadpool clasps his hands next to his face and seems to flutter his lashes again, before once again turning slightly to the side to block Spidey's view of his face as he pulls up his mask and goes to town on his tacos.

For someone that gave Spider-Man his full name almost immediately, he seems to be intent on keeping his face hidden. Peter lightly touches his exposed chin, wondering if he should be doing the same.

The city is still quiet as they eat, and Spider-Man starts to wonder if they should call it a night at this point. He didn't want to be too tired for work in the morning, anyway. In all his years as a superhero, Peter had managed to perfect the art of getting by on power-naps and lots of coffee. Still, his doctor regularly told him how bad it was for him, so a full-nights sleep now and then was welcome.

Somehow already finished with his tacos, Deadpool pulls his mask back down and turns to Spidey as he finishes chewing. "Hey," He says with a gulp, "Did you see how I gave that guy from earlier a super-wedgie?"

Spidey cant help the snort he lets out, some of the food shooting out of his mouth in the process. He turns to DP with a chuckle, wiping the corner of his mouth.

"Yea I did see that, actually. That was a pretty good move." He also can't help the snickers that escape him as he talks.

Deadpool looks excited at this, and opens his mouth to say something. But before anything can get out, Spidey startles as a jolt goes through his spine, accompanied by a large noise going off in the distance.

He drops his shoulder and groans, "Seriously? I didn't even finish my tacos, I swear the universe times stuff like this just to mess with me!"

Wade tilts a concerned brow along with his head, probably having been unable to hear the noise. "Huh? You good there Spidey?"

Before Deadpool finishes his sentence Spider-Man is already pulling himself to his feet, motioning Deadpool to do the same. "Wrap it up, We gotta go. Hopefully our food'll still be warm by the time we're done."

Okay, so maybe he shouldn't be grabbing for the food right now but they might need it for energy to face whatever they're about to face. It definitely wasn't because he was scared of the pigeons eating it. As Spidey quickly webs up their takeout boxes to bring with them he motions to his back. "Hop on, you're pretty fast yourself, but this one seems pretty urgent so we can't afford you getting distracted."

Deadpool makes a gasping noise and Spidey turns to see his hands to his face and eyes shot wide in excitement. "Wait, seriously?? A Spidey piggyback ride? Spidey-back ride? I'm so telling everyone at Mary's about this later."

Spider-Man impatiently waits for the ex-merc to calm down long enough to hop on, but that doesn't seem to be happening anytime soon. "Y'know what, nevermind, I'm just gonna grab you." Spider-Man says deadpan, and shoots a web onto a nearby building, grabbing the scruff of Deadpool's suit as he jumps off of the building and swings them both toward their destination.

"EEEK!!!" He yells, hands making their way to cling onto Spider-Man's arm with a death grip.

Then, after only about three seconds of wide-eyed wonder at the ground moving below, his emotions totally switch gears. "He did it again!" He says while giggling manically, wiggling around excitedly. "We're like a puppy!"

"Stop wiggling!" Spider-Man says throught gritted teeth. He almost misses his next swing due to Deadpool throwing off his momentum.

"WEEE!!!" Deadpool says at the next swing instead, flapping his arms like a bird. Yea so, this might've been a worse idea than the piggyback ride.

Spider-Man finally brings the two of them to the scene of the problem, landing gently on a short wall in front of the burning apartment building. Something must have caught and exploded on the fourth floor, as that seems to be where the source of the fire is. But Spider-Man can see it slowly creeping up, and judging by the amount of screaming people, not everyone has made it out alright.

So, maybe for time's sake he should have left the food. And Deadpool.

An uncertain voice sounds from next to him, Deadpool still being held by the scruff of his suit and dangling over the edge of the wall. "I don't think we'll need to worry about our food getting cold, Spidey."

"Shit." Spidey lets go of Deadpool and the man falls right on his face.

Spider-Man is instantly in action, hopping down from the wall and starting off in the direction of the building. "You can't die, right? Make sure the lower floors are cleared out, and I'll evacuate the fourth and everyone blocked off from the stairs above."

"No, I'm the immortal one, I'll get the fourth floor." Deadpool says, prying his face from the ground. Spider-Man starts to interject, but he's already running off and pulling out his grappling hook, so Spidey just acquiesces and moves for the fifth.

The next half hour or so is a blur of rescuing residents and then double-checking any burned ruins for people that may have been left behind. He can't quite manage to keep track of Deadpool during that time, but judging by the amount of people down below adding up, he assumes he's doing fine. At some point the firefighters came and put out the fire, so Spider-Man checks in to confirm everyone made it out safely then heads to look for his lost partner.

He finds him sitting on the curb with a little girl that holds a fluffy unicorn plushie, Deadpool gesturing emphatically. Once they sense Spider-Man's presence, the two of them turn to him in greeting. "Spidey!" Wade exclaims.

Upon observing the little girl, Spidey sees that her eyes are red and there seem to be some leftover sniffles, but whatever Deadpool was gabbing about seemed to take her tears away. Deadpool moves to get up, brushing the dirt from the ground off of his butt even though it's a bit unnecessary given the rest of his suit seems to be ruined and covered in soot. "Ready to go?" He asks.

The little girl's eyes widen at this, and in a flash she moves to hug Deadpool around the waist, the unicorn plush shoved harshly between them. Deadpool stiffens for a moment, looking shocked. Then he looks down at the girl, and slowly his eyes crinkle in a warm way that really shouldn't be conveyed by the mask. He moves a hand to pat her hair gingerly.

The whole situation is very gentle, something you really wouldn't expect from a mercenary, ex or not.

"Thanks for saving us Spidey." She says, words muffled.

Spider-Man blinks. "Seriously? I'm right here." He mumbles under his breath.

At this, Deadpool's eyes light up in a different way and he whips his head to Spidey, blocking the side of his mouth with one hand as he stage-whispers, "I think she thinks I'm YOU!"

Spider-Man sighs. His identity was slowly being stolen. If this kept up, then soon people would think he was the knockoff Spider-Man. But he can't help the amused and endeared huff that is also pulled from him by the whole situation and Deadpool's too-cheery face.

Pretty soon, Deadpool and Spider-Man reunite the girl with her grandparents that she got separated from in the fire. He assumes she gained a brand-new unicorn toy that day, judging by the lack of ashiness from its fur. Why the merc had it on him in the first place was another question for another infinitely far-off day.

Then the two of them pull themselves onto yet another rooftop to resume enjoying their food.

Which is, ironically, not warm anymore.

This time it's a bit more quiet. But not uncomfortably so. Spider-Man assumes Deadpool needs some time to process what happened, a burning building was a pretty big task for the first day on the job, after all.

He thinks back to how Deadpool acted with that little girl, as well as the women from earlier, which he realizes now he must have been cheering up in his own way. He can't help the curiosity from before that rises up inside him, this time a bit less skeptical.

"So, you never told me." Spider-Man starts with a mouth full of chimichanga. He swallows, before continuing, "Why do you wanna become a hero?"

Deadpool turns to open his mouth automatically, and Spider-Man quickly tuts to cut him off.

"And don't give me the same thing as before. 'Hot babes, cars, fame!' 'Cuz I know it's bull."

Deadpool closes his mouth at this, moving his head to look out at the city below instead. He's silent for a while, and Spider-Man's grows to wonder if he should expect a response anymore.

Then, Deadpool speaks in a voice more sedated than Peter's heard in his entire time of knowing him, "Let's just say I have some shit to make up for, and some people to be good for." With this he casts a glance to the side at Spidey.

Not knowing what to say, Spider-Man takes another chunk out of his chimichanga and nods understandingly. Not to say he fully understands yet.

Then follows some more comfortable silence. Spider-Man works on the mound of chimichangas through it, though Deadpool seems like he's done for the night. This is interrupted, however, when "Brave New Girl" by Britney Spears breaks into the silence (Peter had MJ to thank for his extensive Britney Spears knowledge). This causes Deadpool to start up for the first time in a hot minute.

"Oops! Gotta get this! My bad Spides, I'm just so popular." Spider-Man gives a thumbs-up, which Wade mirrors as he slinks off to a neighboring roof to take his call.

"Hi Honey-Bunny! How's it going?" He hears him say in tone completely dripping with genuine affection.

Even with the distance between them and Deadpool actually talking at a reasonable volume, Spidey can still hear the conversation going on between him and whoever's on the phone. He tries to be respectful by attempting to tune them out, instead directing his attention toward looking at the people milling around below. Still, he catches onto Wade's excited exclamations in the background, followed by a lot of noises of confirmation as he listens to the person on the other end.

Soon, Deadpool comes back to where Spider-Man sits, tucking his phone away into one of his pouches. "Sorry about that, it was my little girl. Apparently Dopinder had a family emergency and her Unca Weasel's not the best kid-sitter out there. So I gotta go rescue her before he tries to brainwash her with any flat-earther theories or teaches her to gamble or something." The long-winded explanation ends in an upward lilt and upon looking to Deadpool, Spidey notices he looks a little tense. He recognizes it as uncertainty and concern, as if Spider-Man would have the nerve be mad at him for leaving early to take care of his kid.

Spider-Man observes the man beside him for a moment. Judging by the amount of times Deadpool's brought her up so far, and the purely affectionate tone he used with her on the phone, Spider-Man guesses she must be one of Wade's 'people to be good for'. If anyone else knew how important and life-changing it could be to have someone you cared for, it was Peter. He wasn't exactly a perfect person before Uncle Ben's influence on his life, and it feels like most everything he does now in his daily life is due to the influence of those he loves and cares about.

Maybe Deadpool had a questionable past (at best), but if he found that person and was trying to change because of it, then he couldn't be too bad.

"You're all right, Wade." Peter says.

"Huh?" Deadpool, who was noticeably getting more nervous as the staring progressed, now tilts his brow in confusion as he meets Spider-Man's gaze. Spidey can sense his brain going in several different directions trying to figure out what he meant.

He waves him off. "It's all good, I gotta sleep before work tomorrow anyway. Go get your kid and go home."

Spider-Man moves to stand up, pulling up his arms and stretching from side-to-side, earning a satisfying crack from his back in the process. "I'll see you tomorrow. Unless you're busy?"

Looking back at Deadpool for confirmation, he chooses to ignore the very blatant staring he was doing at his ass. Deadpool straightens up instantly, all uncertainty from before melting away as he raises his hand in a salute. "Sir, no sir! See you then!"

"See ya 'Pool." Spidey says with a two-fingered salute of his own as he he shoots a web onto a nearby building and pulls himself off towards home.

From behind him he can hear a faint whistle and an, "I know, right? Good thing we bought all those Chimichangas."

Spider-Man rolls his eyes and continues the trip home, but an amused smirk makes its way to his face.

That guy was definitely something. Weird, but something. Peter was interested to see what new oddities tomorrow's patrol would reveal.

Chapter Text

Wade has successfully gathered an army of birds.

He's sitting on a bench at the park, tossing out pigeon food in large swathes in attempt to attract the largest multitude of birds ever seen on God's green earth. Probably about 50 or so along with a few seagulls are eating around his bench.

{This is a great start! Now is when we train them to attack our enemies. Oh! Also steal things for us. They can do that, you know!}

[Pretty sure you're thinking of crows.]

Ever since becoming fully unemployed, and with Ellie being in school for most of the day, Wade has had to find inventive ways to fill his time. Today just so happened to be a day where Yellow was very set on them taming a horde of evil pigeons.

Normally, he would be ecstatic to raise up an avian army, but today he just felt bone-tired and still had trouble in getting himself interested. Each second that passes adds more lethargy into his bones. With a sigh, Wade drops his hands to his knees. "Not feelin' it."

{What??? Seriously??? After all our hard work?!}

[It's one of those days, huh?] White adds knowingly.

"Guess so." Wade says, as he pulls himself to his feet with a groan. He looks down at the remaining seed in the bag he holds and wonders if he should just dump it.

{No!!! You need them to know its from YOU, that's why we dole it out slowly. We're so close to success, just sit back down!}

Maybe, as the next best thing, Wade could find a successor to his throne. He looks around and his eyes stop on the older woman sitting the next bench over. She had been watching Wade with immense interest earlier, but at some point the huge collection of birds must have grown stale and her nose was buried back in her book.

Ignoring Yellow's feral screaming, he walks over to the woman and holds out the remaining food to her. "I'm heading out now, you should take over my quest of becoming a bird lady." He says.

The woman looks up startled from her book. She looks even more startled when she sees Wade's face. Today he was wearing a cap and a hood, so she must have not seen his messed-up skin when she was watching him feed the birds earlier.

[It's not a normal day if we don't scare at least one person with our ugly mug.] White comments helpfully. Thanks White.

[No problem.]

The woman hesitates as she sets her gaze uncertainly on Wade's hands. From years of experience, he knew that was the face of someone who was concerned they were gonna catch leprosy or some horrible skin rash from him.

Wade continues to hold out the food and give her a close-eyed smile. "Don't worry, it's just cancer." He assures.

Her eyes once again shoot up in surprise and she now looks ashamed at being caught. Finally, she accepts the food with a polite nod and a quiet, "Thank you."

Wade nods, pleased. He gestures to the horde, which is slowly making its way over now that the food-source has changed. "Try to avoid feeding the really fat one with the brown chest. He keeps beating other birds up for food so he needs to be taught some manners." With that, he waves goodbye and leaves her to her own devices.

{Get back there right now, young man! She's going to steal our birds!!!}

Wade does his best to ignore Yellow's outraged nagging as he starts the journey home.

Once home, Wade unlocks the door and bee-lines it to the couch, plopping down almost heavily enough to break the thing.

"Home sweet home." He mumbles into the cushions, enjoying their plushy embrace. It feels like sweet relief after a long and arduous journey. Why random periods of exhaustion just decided to come for him at random times was beyond him. His regenerative powers were supposed to prevent him from getting tired.

[I think you just have a unique skill for wearing yourself out, big guy.]

{You're like super hyper most of the time}

Wade mumbles incoherently and shrugs.

He turns to the side to search out the remote. Maybe some Bea Arthur would fix him. His eyes catch it on the floor next to the coffee table. But after a few moments of lazy reaching and wiggling his fingers to try and telepathy the remote closer, he drops his arm and gives up. He looks to the TV and just pretends he's watching Golden girls, vision gradually blurring out as he continues to lie there dazedly.

{Can we get back to discussing my plan, please?} Yellow asks impatiently, not even waiting for any confirmation before they continue to reveal their plans to tame every single wild and stray animal in the city and use their power to like, take control over the mayor of something. Not sure, Wade was only half-listening.

{LISTEN!!!} Yellow scolds.

Wade lets Yellow's planning fade into comfortable background noise as he closes his eyes and relaxes further into the couch.

The boxes could be a pain on occasion, but luckily they'd gotten much more sedated once Ellie had become a bigger part of Wade's life. They definitely seemed to like her (and who wouldn't), so that made life much easier.

{-not 100% sure if black cats are actually bad luck, but as a backup plan we can use them to-}

[I think it's around 2:00.] White cuts in after a while, hintingly.

Sure enough, Wade opens his eyes to drag them over to the clock on the stove and it reads 2:15. Almost the end of the school day.

[We could leave early to pick Ellie up?] White suggests.

Wade nods, then slowly pulls himself into a sitting position. "Yea, let's do it." He says determinedly now, and pulls himself to his feet with a groan.

[Time for a dopamine boost.]

---

The prospect of seeing his little girl combined with his girlpower playlist (which is mainly a mix of Britney Spears, Ke$ha, and Katy Perry) puts a pep in Wade's step for one of the first times that day. "Dirty babe, you see these shackles baby I'm your slaaave-" Wade sings, mixing it up with some Timberlake.

{Pass, this one isn't very girl power-y. Put back on Britney.}

[And should you really be singing this outside of a school?]

"Hush! It's my Girlpower playlist, I sing what I want! And you're supposed to be helping me out with the backup vocals, Yellow."

{Oh sorry I'm a little PO'ed because you refused to play MY Girlpower playlist!} Yellow complains.

"That's 'cuz it's just the entirety of Doja Cat's Hot Pink album, babe. I want a little variety."

[You guys..] White says tiredly.

Wade then perks up as the door opens and the first of the kids walk out of the building, the bell ringing shortly after. He excitedly tries to seek out the light of his life from the crowd that starts to form, ignoring all the weird looks he gets.

[You're a big man in a hoodie listening to Justin Timberlake outside of a school. I'd be looking at you weird, too. Maybe calling the cops.]

Wade then sees the telltale frizz of his little shorty, barely visible through the sea of bodies. Ellie stops on the steps for a second as the people clear around her slightly. She seems to skip a song in her playlist, before she looks up and her eyes catch on Wade.

"Hiya Ellie-Bellie!" Wade calls with an excited wave, shouting over all the kids milling about, who are giving him even weirder looks now.

Ellie rolls her eyes as she walks toward him, taking an earbud out. "Do you not have anything better to do than wait for me outside?"

"Nope!" He says sweetly, moving to scruff up her curly hair.

Wade can feel some energy seep back into his bones from seeing his girl. This was a good idea.

[Easily the best dopamine boost out there.]

"Dad!" She says, grabbing at his hands in annoyance. "You know how much of a pain it is to deal with my hair! Don't mess it up!"

Wade snickers evilly, giving it one last quick scruff before backing off with his hands raised sedatingly. "Relax, I'll fix it up later." He promises. "I was thinking, we should put beads in your hair this time! Maybe pigtails, wouldn't that be cute?"

"I dunno..."

"It'll be adorable!" He confirms excitedly, then moves to wrap up his kid in a big hug, lifting her off the ground. "But anything looks adorable on my little munchkin! So I'll do whatever you want!"

"Dad!" Ellie says frantically, grabbing at her dad's arms to try and get him to put her down. But Wade doesn't miss the giggle in her voice as she says, "Put me down! You're so clingy!"

Wade complies with her demands, but crosses his hands and legs in a hopeless motion. "I just can't help it! I haven't seen you all day and I need to get all my Ellie time in before patrolling with Spider-Man tonight!"

She rolls her eyes AGAIN and says, "You'll survive," before pulling on his wrist to get them moving in the direction of home. "Let's go before you got the whole school watching."

Wade glances behind them to see a whole gaggle of middle schoolers giving them amused looks. Wow! An audience! He throws them a peace sign then turns back to trail after Ellie. "They're totes obsessed with our daddy-daughter bond." He gushes in a loud whisper, leaning against his girl who, once again, rolls her eyes. Kids these days...

"Do you wanna go somewhere before heading home? We could get ramen. Ooh! Or check out that trinket shop we found the other night!"

"Umm, maybe not today. I kinda just wanna go home now." Ellie replies, trailing off uncertainly. Wade can now hear a hint of tiredness that wasn't obvious before.

He frowns in concern and tries to catch a look at her face as they walk. "Something wrong?" He asks.

"Nah, I'm just tired today." Ellie replies, subtly moving her gaze away from Wade up to the trees that line the sidewalk. "Long day at work." She adds sarcastically with a slight smirk tilting up the corner of her lips as she looks back to meet her dad's gaze.

Wade lets out a long sigh and throws an arm over her shoulders. "Can't blame you there. I'm in the same boat, sister. Maybe our periods synced up!"

Ellie glares at her dad, knowing full-well he doesn't have a period even after all his trying to convince her that boys just had one where they shed their skin every month.

{It was just to try and get her to think they were normal after she got hers for the first time!}

[And I told you guys it was a dumb idea. She's too smart for that.]

"You don't have a period, Dad. I'm pretty sure you just have ADHD."

"Nope! I have a healing factor, I can't catch any of that stuff."

"It's not a disease."

"I'm indestructible, Ellie!" He sings.

"Whatever." She rolls her eyes and continues walking.

But she doesn't remove Wade's arm from her shoulders as they walk, so he counts that as a win.

"So, how'd the bird-taming go?" Ellie looks pointedly from side to side up at the sky. "I don't see them. Are they out on a mission?"

Wade jumps at this opportunity to give a long recollection of their very successful bird-army escapade. It starts with how they went to hunt down a dangerous evil scientist that was planning to take over the entire American government with his evil alien-robot-unicorn army, and ends with the bittersweet moment where Wade had to leave all of the birds in Mexico with a nice lady named Paulita who had fed them during the alien-robo-uni war because the current American government was trying to get their greedy mitts on them to use as a new military weapon. Also, there was a lot of relationship drama between the birds.

{That coulda been us for realzies, if you lameos just listened to me} Yellow gripes.

They make it back and Wade slams open the door. "Honey I'm home!" He calls to nobody, and trots in happily. "Time for a little post-school snack methinks. I dunno about you but I'm starving to death after that walk."

"You're always hungry!" Ellie points out, but she quickly follows her dad into the kitchen, indicating she feels the same.

Wade pulls out enough ingredients to make sandwiches from the fridge and Ellie kneels on one of the stools at the counter as she leans over to watch what he's doing. "What do you want for dinner, sweetness? Do enchiladas sound good? I also saw a recipe online for jelly bean casserole. Potential dessert option there, OR main course if we're feeling spunky enough tonight."

"Enchiladas sound good!" Ellie says, starting to bounce excitedly on the stool, but stops shortly to stare at him deadpan. "Also, I can't eat jellybeans, genius." She says, giving him a big sarcastic grin to put her braces on display.

{She's so sassy, I love her}

"Oopsie-daisy! How could I forget your braces when they look so dang CUTE on you!" He drops the butterknife he was using with a clang in favor of pinching his little munchkin's cheeks. He also moves them to form her face into multiple silly expressions in that way he knows she likes.

"They're stupid!" She says, muffled, then slaps gently at one of his hands. "And stop it with the cuteness aggression you're gonna rip my cheeks off!"

Wade can tell she's not hurting but he lets go regardless, instead clasping his hands next to his face and twirling from side to side as he gushes, "I can't help it! You're like my own little Ellie-bean casserole! I'm just gonna eat you up!"

Ellie gives him a judgy look as she dramatically rubs at her cheeks. "That's stupi-" Her sentence cuts off as soon as Wade waves a sandwich in her face. She immediately grabs it and takes a ravenous bite, chewing with a happy smile.

[So cute.]

"I know right? And somehow that thing came from my loins." Wade replies.

Ellie gives him a grossed-out look, but chooses to continue eating her sandwich instead of calling Wade out on his use of the word "loins".

"Okie dokie!" Wade exclaims, tearing off almost half of his sandwich in one bite as he pushes off of the counter and marches in the direction of the bathroom. He continues in a much more muffled voice, crumbs flying out of his mouth. "Now't my li'l sass monster's fed, let's have a fashion montage!"

Ellie quickly hops off the stool to follow after him, still chewing on her sandwich. "We're styling my hair at night?"

Wade pulls an offended look at that. "It's barely midday! And it's never too late for fashion!" He exclaims.

Ellie simply shrugs at that, unable to argue, so he sets to work. He feels her watching for a few moments as he pulls out all their hairstyling supplies.

"...Are we doing it like a real salon?" Ellie's voice asks again. Now she sounds a but hopeful, and like she's starting to get excited.

"You know it, Sweetness! Face-masks and complimentary cucumber-water included for the low, low price of free ninety-nine. Plus also maybe telling your dad he's awesome and cool." Wade sets out the items they need on the toilet then heads to the kitchen to grab a chair.

"By cucumber water you mean lemonade, right?" She asks to make sure.

"Always, Babycakes. Cucumber water just sounds fancier." He carries the chair into the bathroom, gently pushing past Ellie with a "gangway!" He puts it down, then grabs his sandwich from the bathroom counter to gracefully shove the rest of it into his mouth. He then grabs a towel and unravels it with a flourish as he quickly drapes it over an arm, holding a hand out to the chair graciously. "Your throne awaits, miss."

Ellie smiles, following her dad's suit as she shoves the rest of her sandwich in her mouth and makes her way over to drop heavily into the chair. Wade instantly drapes the towel over her shoulders in a graceful motion. He grabs the comb and starts to fix the part in her hair.

"Alright! now to get in proper stylist's mood we gotta start up a gossip train. So dish. Any new drama on your end? Do I need to bust in any heads of sassalicious teenage girls?"

At this, he can feel Ellie stiffen slightly under his hands. "Uh, nope. No drama there."

Wades eyes widen at this. "Seriously? You always have drama from school! Anddd not to be insensitive but it's like one of the things I look forward to hearing about every day, like they're my daily soaps." He chuckles lightly to himself, before slapping his hand with the brush on his hip and leaning forward to look at his kid's face. "Did you just finally get them to lay off?"

Ellie shrugs. "Guess so. They just dont have my dedication!" She cracks a cocky grin and flexes an arm to show her muscle.

Wade snorts a laugh at that, but he slowly realizes Ellie seems to be avoiding eye contact. Heavily. Testing this theory, he moves his face in front of her eyes in attempt to meet them, and she quickly moves them away again. He tries a few more times and Ellie keeps avoiding his gaze, looking more and more nervous by the second.

Wade finally backs up and puts his hands on his hips, staring down at his daughter with his brow furrowed in concern. "Everything ok, Els?"

"Fine and dandy, papa dearest!" Ellie replies with an awkward grin and a thumbs-up. She even manages to make quick eye contact with him before bringing her eyes back to stare at the mirror in front of her.

But she cannot escape her father's scrutinizing gaze, and with each second Wade stares at her she grows more fidgety until soon she starts to shrug the towel around her shoulders off.

"Actually, Dad, is it ok if we do my hair another day? I'm just pretty tired, I think wanna take a nap until Domino gets here. That cool?" Ellie asks sheepishly, giving him an uncertain grin from below her bangs.

Wade finally snaps out of it and tilts his head in concern. "Uh, of course Princess. That's fine. Wouldn't wanna stop you from getting your beauty sleep, even if you can't get any beautifuller."

"Okay! So, cool beans." Ellie says with a quick nod.

"Cool beans." Wade echoes.

Ellie gets up to place the towel neatly on the back of the chair. "Cool beans." She repeats with a pointed look at her dad as she turns to walk away. What a wonderful daughter he had, quoting Hot Rod at him.

As soon as she reaches the door, though, she turns to speed-walk back and wraps her arms around Wade in a hug. "Love you, Dad."

"Love you Ellie-Belly." He says affectionately, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and petting her hair once, before she turns to leave.

Wade smiles warmly as she makes her way to her room, and snickers she shuts the door with one final, "Coool beans."

As soon as she's out of sight, though, his smile starts to drop.

[Any idea what that was about?] White asks.

{Whatever it was, I think we beefed it.} Yellow resigns.

Wade has to agree.

---

Wade had finished preparing the rice, beans, and had just gotten the enchiladas in the oven when Domino came over to kid-sit (and use all his snacks and amenities). Left without much else to do, he gave her detailed instructions on how and when to take them out, even though with her luck they would likely come out tasting the best Wade ever made them.

And now he's here, waiting at his and Spider-Man's meeting spot early. Which was a bad idea. Because that gives his thoughts and boxes alike time to spiral and he's now pacing anxiously waiting for his arrival.

His mind can't help but be drawn back to the other night, when Spider-Man had called him out on his mercenary past.

{He seemed mad, do u think he hates us :( heartbreak emoji}

[Did you seriously just say heartbreak emoji?]

"I think he was just mad because we didn't tell him, right? Things seemed to be fine once we cleared things up." Wade reassures mostly himself.

[Maybe. But he does have good reason to not trust us, even if we did technically leave that life behind.]

{What do u mean? :o thinking emoji}

[I'm just saying that isn't the first time you've tried being good, you know. I can barely count the amount of "redemption arcs" you've gone through, but they always ends with you back where you started, or having some kind of crashout.]

"Yea but that was different. We didn't have Ellie before! Noone really even liked us."

[You had plenty of people who were rooting for you at one point or another. Did that stop you from letting them down? How's Ellie going to be any different?] White asks, starting to sound a bit frustrated.

"She's... Better!"

[Sure she is, but does that mean we are? We're worried because she doesn't trust us enough to tell us what's bothering her, but have we even given her a good reason to trust us? I wouldn't be surprised if she was holding everything that happened against us. And for good reason.]

{We're such a fuckass dad.} Yellow finally adds in an abnormally quiet voice. {She totally hates us.}

"Seriously, guys? You're starting this up again?" Wade asks in frustration, the nervous energy in him building up. The boxes generally laid off on tormenting him about his relationship with Ellie, but it seems what happened tonight also got them all antsy.

"She doesn't hate us." Wade assures, trying to keep his head on straight even though he's starting to believe himself less and less. "She's just in her angsty teenage years."

{She totally hates us! She even brushed off makeover time! That's a sacred time!} Yellow frets, voice growing a bit more frantic.

[Spider-Man doesn't have any reason to trust us, either. We lied to him for our own gain.]

{You're right, he totally hates us, too}

Wade shakes his head, trying to rattle the boxes out of his skull. "Knock it off, guys! We didn't lie! It was just a minor... omission. And he doesn't hate us either. He still helped us after we cleared things up."

[That's because he's nice, Wade. That's what superheroes are. You just don't realize that because you aren't one.]

Wade stops his paces to squat down in a crouch as he digs his fingers into his skull. "Aren't you supposed to be the reasonable one, White?" He pushes out between gritted teeth, nerves eating him alive.

[I am being reasonable, Wade. You're the one being delusional.]

Wade pushes his eyelids closed with as much pressure he can muster and digs his palms into his ears, but he knows that won't block out the boxes. The worst part is, he knows they're right. He just doesn't want to believe it.

But was he really stupid enough to actually think he could become some kind of superhero? After all fucked up shit he'd done? Did he really think a delusional attempt like this would suddenly fix everything wrong with him and make him a decent dad?

[I hate to say it, Wade. But at this point I'm just not sure you're capable of change.] The icing on the cake was at this point White just sounded regretful, which drilled in the fact that Wade did such a shit job he made the voices in his own head disappointed.

"...Shit." Deadpool says, dropping his hands from his ears and opening his eyes to stare sightlessly below him. White was right, at least about the pretending to be a hero thing. He couldn't be here right now. He wanted to see Ellie but she didn't want him around right now either.

"...Then, what do we do now?" He croaks tiredly, giving in to the exhaustion that's been plaguing his bones all day.

After a beat of loaded silence, Yellow bursts in with a frantic scream. {Let's kill Spider-Man!!!}

[Seriously?]

Deadpool lifts his head at that. "What?"

{If he can't help us, just kill him! We don't need him anymore.}

Deadpool shakes his head, his stomach pooling with dread. "No. Maybe we innately suck, but that doesn't mean we're killing Spider-Man, Yellow."

All Deadpool knows right now is that he needs to leave. "Just... Let's leave him a note."

{You want to be good, Wade? Then let's do the one thing we're good at. Just kill him! I know you've missed it, too!}

Deadpool does his best to ignore Yellow as he finally scavenges a leftover coloring page and a box of crayons from his pouches. He quickly drops to the ground, flipping the page to the blank side and placing it on the ground. With a shaking hand, he picks up a red crayon to write his note.

But before he can begin, the sound of soft footsteps and a familiar voice interrupts him.

"Hey, Wade! Watcha doin'?"

Deadpool turns to see Spider-Man walk up with hands casually placed on his hips, and immediately freezes. "Uh..." Think of a lie, think of a lie. "Drawing?" He winces at the uncertainty trailing his response.

Spider-Man perks up at this and tilts his head to try and get a look over Deadpool's shoulder. "Oh cool, can I see?"

"Uh..." Deadpool trails intelligently again, before he sharply turns back to his page and starts scribbling frantically.

Once finished, he holds it up to Spider-Man. "It's us. Totally accurate us."

It's a messy drawing of the two of them flexing massive muscles the size of Rushmore. Hulk is drawn in the corner, frowning as the only muscle on his arm is a little hump that droops to the bottom of his arm, Jon Arbuckle style.

As Spider-Man takes it from his hands, Deadpool once again puts most of his efforts into ignoring Yellow, who is screaming bloody murder about all the ways Deadpool could kill him in that moment.

Spidey observes it for a moment, and chuckles. "I've never looked more ripped."

Wade denies this with a wave of his hand, saying in a serious voice, "Oh no. Just flex, Sweetcakes, it looks exactly the same."

Spider-Man laughs again, "If you say so, I'll take it." He looks down at it for another moment before asking, "Can I keep this? It's bound to piss Banner off if I get the chance to show it to him." Deadpool can pick out a cheeky grin from under the mask.

At this, he finally quirks a small smile. "Go ahead, show 'im who's boss."

"Perfect." Spidey says, then gently folds it up to put it in his undies. Wade wondered how many things he had down there.

[It's obviously a utility belt, doofus.]

Nuh uh.

"Well, are you ready to go?" Spider-Man asks, now placing his hands back on his hips in a determined manner.

Wade blinks, then slowly picks himself up off the ground, tucking his crayons back into his pouch. "Oh, yea." He says. When Spidey raises a confused brow, he adds with as much enthusiasm as he can muster. "Let's go nab some more purses from greedy little men!"

Spider-man is still looking at Deadpool with an off expression, and he starts to shift uncomfortably before deciding to escape his gaze by stepping off the roof. "Race you to the next crime scene!" He says, before jumping off the roof and slowing himself down by stabbing two knives into the wall before he splats on sidewalk. Not that he couldn't handle it.

[Very smooth.]

{Ugh, that was totally awkward! He definitely thinks we're extra lame now.} Yellow complains.

[Weren't you just wanting to kill him? Why do you care?]

{Whatever.} Yellow brushes off, and if they had eyes to roll Deadpool knows they would very much be rolling them.

"It's fine." Deadpool replies tiredly as he runs off in a randomly chosen direction and shoots out his grappling hook at another building. "I'll pull it together, we'll get through tonight, and then I'll draft up a cute little resignation letter on scented pink paper and leave for Spidey next time."

{Also stickers. No resignation letter is complete without stickers!}

[That's the one concern you have with this plan, really? Can we maybe think about this

Deadpool sighs, tonight was gonna be a long night.

---

The next couple of hours is spent with them (mostly Deadpool) running from place to place in search of problems to fix, no matter how small. A break-in or two here, a potentially disastrous fashion choice or three there.

Spider-Man's been shooting him suspicious looks all night, but luckily he hasn't had a chance to say anything. If Deadpool could just continue diverting his attention elsewhere 'till the end of patrol, all would be good.

Deadpool had just finished "rescuing" a woman from buying the wrong ice cream flavor and now the two of them are perched on another rooftop, scoping out the streets for more citizens in need. Once again, he feels Spider-Man's gaze on him, and senses him opening his mouth to talk.

"There!" Deadpool points out hurriedly. "It looked like those birds are fighting! We'd better go rescue them." He moves to lower himself from the building.

"Wade." Spider-Man says, stopping him in his tracks. Deadpool unwillingly looks over to the Web-Head and puts on a chipper and innocent voice. "What's new, Bugaboo?"

"First, don't call me that. Second, what's goin' on with you, man? You've been off all night."

"Me? I'm normally like this." He puts a finger to his face and tilts his head in confusion.

"You're normally bouncing around looking for minor inconveniences to butt in on so you can avoid me talking to you?"

Wade nods. "Have you met me?" He asks.

But Spider-Man's gaze doesn't let up. He tilts an eyebrow down and moves to cross his arms expectantly.

Wade shifts uncomfortably, willing him to look away, but Spidey's stare only seems to intensify.

{Don't tell him} Yellow warns.

"It's all good in the 'hood, dude. Seriously. Except for those birds that're still fighting, we should really go help them."

Wade moves to leave again but Spider-Man raises up a hand for him to stop and he, unfortunately, does. Maybe the gift of crazy authoritative powers were included in that bug-bite. "I don't believe that for a second." Spider-Man says firmly, and proceeds to tap his foot impatiently like a disappointed parent.

Wade wiggles uncomfortably some more, but Spidey's gaze just doesn't let up. With a sigh, he drops his shoulders in submission. "It's really no big deal, man. I guess I'm just worried about my kid."

At this, Spider-Man uncrosses his arms and loosens up. "How come?" He asks with a curious tilt of his head.

Deadpool rubs a hand over his masked face and shrugs. "We moved not too long ago and I think she's been having trouble adjusting to her new school and... stuff. She's normally willing to complain about anything and everything that bothers her but lately she won't tell me anything. Kinda just keeps brushing me off."

Wade removes his hand from his face to look for Spider-Man's reaction. He just nods understandingly, and Wade takes this as his cue to continue.

"Just sucks for her that I'm somehow the dad she got stuck with." He lowers his head into a hand in resignation and taps his fingers along his arm anxiously.

He can sense Spider-Man nodding carefully next to him, there are a few beats of silence that make Deadpool want to curl up in a hole and die. He immediately wishes he didn't tell his hero and icon about his horrible parenting skills. If he didn't hate him already, he seriously had to now.

{I still say we kill him.}

"Dude. Are you kidding me?" Spider-Man finally asks in an incredulous voice.

Deadpool clenches his jaw, preparing to Spider-Man to affirm his own self-hatred.

But instead he says, "The fact that you're even worried about this is proof you're a good dad."

This, of course, takes Deadpool by surprise. He turns wide eyes on Spider-Man and opens his mouth to reply, but can't get any words out until he manages a, "Huh?"

"You've really been beating yourself up all night because of this?" Spider-Man shakes his head regretfully, then continues in a calming voice. "Listen man, you can't make kids talk. If you try and force them, it generally just makes things worse. The best you can do is just be there for them so when they do want to talk, they know they have someone there who wants to listen."

He pointedly puts a hand on Deadpool's shoulder and tilts his head to meet his gaze. "You already let her know you want to listen. You're doing the best you can do." He assures with a small side-smile.

"...Oh." Is all Deadpool says, unable to get his brain to catch up in this moment.

Spider-Man gives him one last pat on the shoulder before decisively slapping his hands on his knees. "Alright. Go home, man. I'll finish up here. Hang out with your kid and enjoy the weekend with her."

The reality of Spider-Man sending him home is the first thing Deadpool processes in his daze. "Letting me off early, Boss?" He asks with a joking grin, but feels nervous that this is a more him-being-fired situation. Sure, he was already planning to quit earlier, but being fired is different.

"I'm serious, 'Pool. It's not like I'm dropping your ass. I'll see you Monday, cool? You just have something more important to attend to right now, so attend to it." He gets to his feet and brushes himself off. "Go home, go relax, and go save your kid from the babysitter before Uncle Weasel turns her into a drug addict. I'll take care of those fighting birds in the meantime." He cracks a teasing smile.

Mindlessly, Deadpool follows Spidey in getting to his feet and corrects, "Well, actually it's Domino this time. But, thanks Spidey." Finally realizing the reality of what Spider-Man was doing for him, he quirks back a small smile.

"Of course dude." Spider-Man nods as he checks over his web shooters for a moment, then meets Wade's gaze again and says in a more serious tone. "And listen. You're a good dad, alright?"

Wade nods, and very determinedly holds back the tears that are trying to brew in his eyes. He gulps.

"Got it." He says with a bit of a squeak, then carefully wills his voice to be more normal before continuing, "Then, see ya Monday."

"See ya Monday!" Spider-Man replies with a wave goodbye, and with that the bug shoots off into the distance.

{I love him} Yellow says longingly.

[I'm sorry?? Weren't you just trying to kill him?]

{What can I say, I'm a tricky bitch.}

Wade fondly watches the Webbed-Wonder swing away until he rounds a corner and is out of sight. He then turns to make his own way home, scaling his way down the building to drop down onto the sidewalk.

He couldn't say it was the best feeling, going home to a kid who probably didn't wanna be around him. But Spidey was right, his time was better spent trying to cheer that kid up than running around trying to escape from his own thoughts.

{Maybe she'll come out and hang if we put on Death Note?}

[We could bring a snack as an extra motivator.] White suggests.

{Ooh! Ice cream! Get ice cream!}

The night ends with Wade successfully managing to cajole Ellie out of her room with her fave anime and 8 different kinds of ice cream. When it came to cartoons, he was more of a MLP girlie himself. Still, it's interesting, and Domino stays a little longer to comment on everything going on in the show with him while Ellie keeps lovingly telling them to shut up.

Maybe it didn't get her spilling all of her problems at once, or instantly make him the good dad Spidey said he was, but it was a start.

Chapter Text

Peter managed to avoid having his apartment burnt down over the weekend. It was honestly just very lucky timing that he'd managed to clock out early for patrol, only to find Johnny and Teresa waiting outside his place for movie night. Even more lucky was the fact that he'd picked up ice cream and a few other groceries beforehand. They never found out he did in fact just forget. Maybe that was the universe paying him back for all his good deeds.

Now that it was the work week, Peter was back to spending all of his time between his two full-time jobs (paid and unpaid) and barely talking to anyone his age. That was, unless you counted one-sided conversations with various criminals and his coworker Rhonda, who loved to gossip his ear off during lunch break. Oh, and Deadpool!

It was definitely a change from Spider-Man's usual patrols to have another adult working alongside him the entire time. While usually Peter spent the entire time drifting around mostly talking to himself, he now had to retain some level of self-awareness so he didn't look like a crazy person. Deadpool, however, didn't seem to have any problem with that. Peter'd seen him have full-blown conversations with himself sometimes. Which, honestly, he could respect.

Still, patrolling as Spider-Man had at some point become Peter's sacred personal time, so having someone else around was kind of mentally taxing in itself. That was generally the case with any disturbance in Peter's routine or a new person in his life, however, so he's been trying to let himself get used to it.

Despite that, over the past couple nights of patrol, Deadpool had proven to be a bit of a natural on the hero front. Peter has to keep reminding himself to disregard the fact that his skill likely came from his mercenary past. There were a few times, however, where he had to scold him for going a bit too ham on several criminals. Maiming and minor amputations weren't something Spider-Man generally included in his friendly neighborhood business.

In all fairness, he assumed the ex-merc didn't have all that much of an understanding of what would permanently harm another human. On several occasions he'd seen him break multiple bones and even get shot a few times, only to shake it off like nothing happened. In fact, he rarely bothered dodging any attacks whatsoever. Honestly, the part of that Peter was most stuck on was wondering how much repair he needed to regularly do on his suit. That was one of his least favorite parts of hero-ing.

Still, he listened pretty well and soon the maimings became less-invasive stabbings and minor head trauma.

Additionally, he was always providing some kind of commentary or ridiculous entertainment. Like last night when he'd challenged Spidey to "war him" on the swings and they ended up swinging so hard that one of the chains snapped. (No harm done, Spidey webbed it back together good as new. Though, maybe he'd ask Johnny to weld them in his free time since the webs he used actually only lasted an hour...)

Wade had also started the habit of buying the both of them tacos when he deemed something a job-well-done. He didn't really think chasing off "evil" geese at the park like last night counted as a heroic accomplishment, but Peter would never correct being offered free food. At this point, he just counted it as payment for his tutoring services.

All this to say, the ex-merc's company was becoming more welcome than not.

Now it's Thursday, and Peter is hard at work looking over scientific research papers. This would usually be something he enjoyed (don't judge), but these papers just so happened to be written by individuals who, by the looks of it, didn't even know what they were researching or what science even was. It was causing his brain to go numb. On the plus side, there were a few fun doodles spread throughout. Peter scribbles a drawing of Spider-Man fist bumping the writer's doodle of the Hulk.

He gives a self-satisfied smile at his artwork, then promptly lays on his desk and buries his hands in his hair. He narrowly holds himself back from pulling his hair out, instead giving a light tug.

"This is so boring." Peter mumbles to himself, and turns his head towards the windows on the wall longingly. A squirrel outside scurries around happily. Stupid squirrel. Probably didn't even pay taxes.

"I think I need more coffee." He sighs, leaning back in his chair and looking at the ceiling. Should he really risk going to the break room again? What if Rhonda was there? He was pretty sure she was hinting at him watching her dog while she was on vacation next week, what if she straight up asked him this time? Peter could not care for a dog, what with his two full-time jobs and very little time for sleep, but he also couldn't say no when someone directly asked him for help. It was his cross to bear.

Just as he's about to bite the bullet and employ his Spider-skills to sneak into the break room, a buzzing starts to sound, and Peter jumps at the opportunity. His hand automatically shoots out to grab his phone on his desk. He hopes it's Mary Jane calling to spill drama about her work, or literally say anything more entertaining than this paper on 'The Scientific effects of Me Taking a Nap Every Day'. It was really starting to make Peter jealous.

But all that shows on that screen are a couple of email notifications and a reminder to feed his virtual cat. Ah, his other phone, then. Peter pushes off in his rolling chair towards his bag and pulls out his Spidey-phone from its hidden compartment. It's decked out in spider stickers and has a little web charm Teresa got him. Pretty cute if he says so himself. He flips it open and presses the answer button.

"Yello?"

"Did you just 'yello' me? You are such a nerd, kid." The familiar sarcastic drawl of Tony Stark comes through the phone.

"Big talk coming from the guy who has an entire company attributed to his nerdom."

"You know, that's not the diss you think it is." He can hear the smirk in Tony's voice. Peter just responds with an eye-roll, which he knows the man can't see, but. Whatever.

"Listen, Wonder-Boy. I know you got a day job, but if you wanna save the world or whatever it's kinda an all-hands-on-deck situation over here."

Peter sighs and spins circles on his chair as he flips his pen around in his fingers. "Lemme guess, aliens? Robots? No offense, Stark, but haven't you guys gotten the hang of this by now?" He asks in a disinterested tone.

Tony grumbles something unintelligible under his breath, neither confirming nor denying. Peter hears something that sounds suspiciously similar to laser beams in the background.

"I didn't call for your sass, Spider-Man. Either help or don't. Stark, OUT." He makes a sound mimicking a mic drop (or maybe that was an explosion?) then the call cuts.

How rude. No directions or anything? Not a 'please' or 'we are desperate for your help'? Peter shouldn't even bother helping someone so unappreciative.

As soon as the call ends, Peter hops to his feet and reaches into his bag for his suit. As old and passe as fighting robo/whatever armies with the Avengers has grown over his years as Spider-Man, it was still his duty as New York's favorite hero. (Also, that was kind of a lie. It was still pretty cool and definitely more exciting than looking over badly written papers. And it was cool that he could act like it was old and boring.) Either way, it'd be nice to get out and feel the wind in his blocked-by-the-mask hair.

"Making a note to try out that mohawk mask idea." Peter mumbles to himself as he haphazardly pulls on his suit, glancing cautiously through the windows and out into the hall even though he knows his Spidey-Sense would go off if anyone was watching.

Once he pulls his jeans off to reveal his Spidey-Underoos and gets his head through the top of the suit, Peter once again grabs his Spidey-Phone to dial a new number. He holds it between his head and shoulder as the phone rings and he pulls on his gloves.

It rings several times before a familiar voice shoots from the other end. "Hey! What's up!"

"Hey 'Pool we-"

"JK! Got you good! You've reached the phone of Deadpool AKA Wade Winston Wilson AKA none of those things if you're calling to chew me out or something!"

Peter bites his cheeks in annoyance. "Right." He mutters, and the message continues quickly. He's doesn't think he hears the man stop to take a singular breath.

"For business inquiries, please leave your name, request, and all the numbers on the front and back of your credit card. For all other inquiries, just pass along the message to me through your mother since we'll be hanging out tonight anyway. OkIthinkit'sgonnacutmeoffsoonloveyouBYEEEE!"

The phone beeps and Peter takes a deep breath and smooths his suit down before speaking.

"Wade. Joke's on you, my mom's dead. And how did you get your voicemail greeting so long? Listen, there's a giant evil alien robot something or other going on in- well just look at your TV or something. Meet me there if you're bored. Toodles!"

Peter opens the window to outside, but quickly backtracks to pull out a marker and write "BRB! -Parker" on the whiteboard, just in case he's out a bit longer than expected.

The wind does indeed feel nice as he swings around, looking for the source of Stark's (and probably a whole ton of other peoples') distress. It isn't long before he hears the tell-tale sign of good ol' scuffling and dueling. Spider-Man follows the noise and finds himself perched on the top of a tall building, taking in the scene below.

Luckily, the streets seem to be clear of civilians. They must have already been evacuated. Evacuation strategies had become a very strict and almost mundane part of the average New-Yorker's life at this point. Why so many people still choosed to live here was a bit beyond Peter. But hey, who was he to judge?

Down below he catches Hawkeye and Black Widow duking it out with a few of the tormentors. They have a very unique (some might say, otherworldly) look to them. About three Thors tall with a few sets of long, spindly legs, dozens of bug-like eyes, and tentacles protruding from their backs. They move with an unnerving fluidity, but upon closer inspection Peter notices that their makeup seems to be primarily metallic. Also, they're definitely shooting lasers.

"Would ya look at that. Are those alien.... robots?" Spider-man muses to himself. Looks like he was doubly right. He smirks to himself, he was so gonna rub this in Stark's face later.

The light drop of footsteps sounds next to Peter. "Y'know, you'd think they'd have the whole 'fighting evil alien armies' thing down to a T by now." A voice comments.

In an instant, Spider-Man turns excitedly and gets to his feet. "Li'l Spidey!"

Other Spider-Man AKA Miles Morales pulls his mask up enough to give Peter a grin. "Whatsup, Old Man?" He says, getting to his own feet and offering a hand.

Peter reaches out to do their signature handshake. Yea, they were chill like that. "How ya doing, dude? Haven't seen you much lately!"

Miles grabs Peter's hand firmly at the end with a grin. "Yknow how it is. Exams are coming up soon. So I gotta catch up on all the material I missed out on while I was Spider-Man-ing around or Mom'll kick my ass."

Peter leans back and crosses his arms, putting on a lighthearted air of disappointment. "You know what I told you about balancing Spider-Man-ing with your schoolwork, kid."

Miles snorts a laugh, "Like you're one to talk, Gramps! I don't even gotta see you maskless to know you're rockin' some nasty circles under your eyes."

"Do as I say, not as I do." Peter says very wisely with a contemplative nod.

Miles laughs again and Peter smiles. Despite his messing it was good to see his spider-underling again, he'd been starting to miss him.

Miles gives Peter a friendly punch on the arm and gestures below them. "Sage advice, Spidey. Now whaddya say we bust up some robo-aliens before they destroy the entire city?"

"I think robaliens rolls off the tongue easier.." Peter muses.

"HEY! IF YOU SPIDER-DUDES COULD HELP INSTEAD OF GOSSIPING LIKE TWO OLD LADIES THAT'D BE REALLY COOL!" Hawkeye stops below to yell up at the two of them, framing his mouth with his hands, before jumping out of the way of one of the creatures' tentacles.

Miles and Peter turn to share a look, which soon turns into an amused smirk. Miles pulls his mask back down fully and the two of them leap into action. Peter uses his webs to fling one of the attackers into a building and Miles quickly webs it down so it can't move.

"Stark says they're robo-dudes from another planet. So if we, ya'know." Hawkeye yells above the noise and strikes a finger against his throat, "KRRCK- That's morally alright. They're messing with the chief or something, but if you guys wanna keep these guys confined to this area..."

Peter nods and shoots a web to a building at the end of the street. "On it." He and Miles make work of blocking off any major streets to keep the robaliens from spreading out, as well as messing up any they come across. One of them rounds up on Peter and he turns to greet it with a friendly smile.

"Hey there, bud! What's your name?"

"GGREGHH!!" The robalien responds.

"Greg?" Peter asks, tilting his head, and Greg replies by shooting lasers out of his tentacles. Peter dodges out of the way and shoots a web out to each tentacle to try and stick em together so he at least has less lasers to worry about.

"What's your damage, Greg? Did I pronounce it wrong? Graargh - Is that better?" But before Greg can respond, Spidey's Special Senses (TM) go off and he looks behind himself to see a much bigger and angrier Greg raising up his tentacles behind him, while his hands are still a bit tied up with the flailing Greg Numero Uno. "Crapola-"

"This is Sparta!" Calls a voice from above, quickly followed by a loud Tarzan yell as none other than Wade Winston Wilson comes falling from God knows where and kicks Greg 2 square in his beady-eyed little face. Or her, he guesses he shouldn't assume. Their? It's? It was a robot... thing, so.

Greg 1's flailing brings Spider-Man out of his musings and he quickly moves to finish webbing the creature's flailing limbs together. He swings up onto the alien's head, which is now angrily trying to chomp at him, and looks to their new company. "Wade! You're here!"

Wade is also sitting on the other monster's head, happily kicking his feet on the side of it as it thrashes around in pain and anger. "Of course, Sweet-Cakes! I came running fast as my little legs would take me once I heard your message." He then kicks the creature in one of its eyes, earning an enraged growl, and makes quick work of tossing his grappling hook through its mouth. He grabs the other end and pulls back like it's a lead.

"Giddyup, girl!" He yells. The robalien responds by chomping down and breaking his grappling line.

"Oh..." Deadpool says, slumping, and Peter has to hold back a laugh. In an instant he stands up on the creature's head and grabs for his katana. "Hey, these things arent technically alive right?"

Peter shoots webs to either side of his Greg and manages to wrestle it to the ground. "Well, not exa-"

"Great!" Deadpool slashes one of its legs off, a stream of viscous black liquid pouring out of it.

"Gross." Spidey mumbles as some of it splashes onto him.

The creature lets out a vicious, undulating, and predictably robotic shriek at this, which is complete hell to Peter's heightened sense. He wraps an arm around both ears and uses his other arm to shoot webs to cover the creature's leg and mouth. "Jeez, Greg! It's just a leg! Chill out!" He says, knocking at one of his ears to get it back in the game.

"Oooh! You named them? That's so fun! I wanna name one too!" Deadpool exclaims, cheerfully hanging upside-down from one of Greg 2's legs as it flails around trying to get him off.

It seems the relatively larger creature's shriek must have alerted its underlings, as a heck-ton of them suddenly start heading towards him and Deadpool, sending out a fair share of laser beams to dodge.

"I think you'll have a chance to do a bunch of naming pretty soon." He comments, then takes a beat to turn towards Wade. "Thanks for coming, by the way. I know we don't normally meet up 'round this time."

Wade hops down from the creature expertly, raising his arms in a gymnast's salute, then puts a hand on a hip. "Honestly, Spidey, asking me out at this hour? It's unbecoming of a lady!" He hugs himself like he's been exposed. The robalien then manages to break through its web muzzle and moves to bite at Wade. Spidey is about to shoot another web at it before Wade promptly slices its head off, spilling more of that weird oily substance, and grins. "But it's okay! I can get down and dirty for my fav little bug anytime! Watch this!" To demonstrate, he flops down into the mess of robalien liquid and starts making snow(?) angels.

Spider-Man winces. Maybe the creatures weren't technically alive but it was still a disturbing and morally questionable sight to see. Also, he named the thing already. "Super gross, Wade. I won't be getting that image out of my head anytime soon." He quickly moves to leap on top of one of the oncoming robaliens and start webbing up its legs. It attempts to buck him off and shoot at him with its tentacles, but he manages to get a couple of legs tied together. There are a good 6 or so more headed their way.

Luckily, at that moment Miles hops down to the back of another creature and starts to attempt the same. "Dang, whatcha get yourself into over here, Spidey? And who's the slimy dude?"

Wade, who is now up on his feet uselessly attempting to brush some of the robo-juice off of him, looks up at the sound of Miles' voice.

He screeches possibly louder than the creature just had and jumps about 3 feet in the air, clinging to the body of the down-for-the-count beast behind him. "THERE'S TWO OF YOU!"

Spider-Man rolls his eyes. "That's Deadpool, he's sorta like my intern." He says, moving to shoot a web at another robalien and pull hard so it stumbles to the ground.

Immediately back to normal, Deadpool skips up cheerfully to the creature Miles is on top of, narrowly avoiding its legs and lasers as he climbs to the top. He offers a hand to Miles, and slices off a couple of tentacles with the other, eliciting another shrill shriek that makes Peter grimace. Maybe he should web up all of their mouths before doing anything else. "Intern, co-worker, BFF, lover, it's all the same. Wade Winston Wilson, nice to meet you!"

"Spider-Man." Miles replies as he grabs Wade's hand. Even from a distance, Peter can sense the smirk under his mask.

Another robalien creeps up behind the two of them with its jaw stretched open and Peter quickly turns to webs its mouth shut. He shoots himself up the side of a building, then jumps down, using the momentum to kick the creature to the ground. The other men just carry on in their conversation without batting an eye. How totally rude. No thank you or anything?

The creature gathers itself and jerks its head back quickly to snap at Peter with its teeth. He dodges in the nick of time, moving to cling to one of its waving tentacles.

Ok. Doubly rude.

"No, seriously, this is so creepy! I'm gonna call you Spider-Boy from now on." Wade pulls his hand back and shivers, looking completely icked out.

"Then I'm gonna call you Ugly-Boy." Miles sasses back with hands on his hips. The creature underneath them tries thrashing and shooting at them with its remaining tentacles and Miles dodges easily, moving to web them up. As he's doing that, another creature rounds up on Wade.

Deadpool points a finger in the air adamantly. "Hey! I resemble tha-"

"'Pool!" Spider-Man tries to warn, yanking his wrist free to shoot a web at the quickly advancing robalien.

But before his web can reach it, it manages to snap its teeth around Wade's raised arm, biting it off entirely.

Deadpool just turns with a mild look of surprise. "Oh-"

Peter startles at this, "Holy Christmas!" He exclaims, and in his surprise is hurtled from the robalien onto the concrete.

"Eep!" Says 'Pool, who then slices the things's head off and quickly pries open its mouth with his foot and other arm. "Aw man! That was my second favorite arm!"

Peter quickly gets to his feet, scrambling toward his teammates before needing to dodge out of the way of a stray tentacle. "Are you okay???" He calls out to Deadpool, webbing up the creature's legs and using his Spidey-Strength to pull it to the ground. Unfortunately, that's not the end of that as three more creatures round up on him.

"Peachy!" Wade calls back, pulling his arm out from the robalien's jaw. He chuckles to himself as he holds out the detached arm to the the struggling Spider-Man. "Not sure bout you, though. Need a hand Spidey?"

Peter catches Miles giving Deadpool a mildly freaked out look, before shaking it off and running in Peter's direction. "I got you, Old Man."

A powerful montage of slicing and webbing and naming various creatures later, a loud, high sound pierces Peter's ears, causing him to fall into a rather ungraceful roll mid-swing. Stupid Spider Senses.

When he lifts his head back up, he notices it seems to have affected the robaliens similarly, but with more screaming of their own before they suddenly stop what they're doing and go entirely still.

"10 outta 10 on the landing, Spidey!" Wade cheers from nearby with a big thumbs-up, earning a different finger held up right back at him. Miles steps closer, stopping to give one of the creatures a test kick. "Guess they hit the big red button." He comments.

Wade stops in front of Peter to offer a hand, helping him to his feet. "Boo," he says, "I didn't even get to finish naming them."

Peter raises an eyebrow at him. "I think we gotta asses your priorities, man." He suggests jokingly. Wade giggles at this, placing a hand over his mouth. "You said ass."

Peter rolls his eyes, dropping Wade's hand. His gaze moves to his arm. "Sorry about your arm, by the way. Almost got that dude, but uh. I really gotta stop replacing sleep with coffee, I'm getting off my game."

Wade grins and raises gives a thumbs-up with his previously detached arm. "Alllll good baby! She's back good as new, so no harm done. Though you really should get your beauty sleep, how will you keep dazzling wrongdoers into submission if you lose your gorgeous looks? Speaking of dazzling peeps into subm-"

Spider-Man holds up a finger and drops his shoulders tiredly, a bit of relief mixing in. "Hold that thought." He warns, but his eyes linger on Wade's arm. He'd seen him recover from major wounds before like nothing happened, but it was still a wonder how his arm had simply managed to reattach itself that easily.

"It really patched back up just like that, huh?" He asks, unable to help his scientific curiosity as reaches over to brush his fingers across the broken seam of his suit. It's of course caked in blood, but other than that and the obvious need for tailoring there were no other signs that his arm was mutilated just a minute ago. Wade opens his mouth to reply, but another voice cuts through their conversation.

"Look what the cat dragged in. You adopt a stray mercenary recently, Spidester? Why wasn't I invited to the Gotcha party?" Stark comes floating over in his suit and opens his face plate to show off his snarky smirk. Even though he was just judging Peter for saying "Yello", he wasn't much better.

Wade holds up a finger, "Actually, I'm his intern. But if this is like a pet-adoption scenario we could maybe work out a collar situation if the boss wants it. I'd like a cute bell, please." Stark pulls a face at this. Even he couldn't seem to think of anything to say to that. Wade had that effect on people.

"What are we talking about here?" Another voice cuts in. Peter turns to see Captain America walking up, a few of the others also seem to be heading over for the post-fight recap sesh.

"Spider-Man here's got himself a new lackey by the looks of it." Tony gestures to Deadpool, who is now openly staring at the Captain with wide eyes. Looks like he was one of the other 7billion people on the planet with a Captain America crush.

"Which Spider-Man? The red or black one?" Steve asks.

Miles bursts in, sidling up next to Deadpool to put himself in Captain's face. "Hey man, I don't 'preciate you profiling me like that!"

Captain America blinks in surprise at that, stalling for a moment as he processes Miles' words. Finally his brain catches up and he starts waving his hand dismissively. "Uhhh, wait. You know that's not what I meant! I was talking about the suit! The suit!"

Miles just continues to level him with a disappointed look, then breaks and starts snickering under his breath. Steve goes totally wide-eyed, then his shoulders drop sharply and he rubs a hand over his face after realizing he was messed with. There's something uniquely satisfying about seeing Steve Rogers flustered.

Deadpool joins Miles with some badly repressed giggles. He leans in close and whispers while pointing at Steve's pants, "I think you made him pee himself!" He sniggers.

Peter swears Captain America blushes as he angles his very clearly not peed in pants away, instead turning to walk off. He raises a hand. "Well, I'm going to check in with the authorities. Stark can brief you on what went down with their leaders. Thanks for your help, boys."

Once Captain America is a ways away, Miles sidles up to Peter and nudges him in the side, "Alright men, I suggest getting outta here before they try and saddle us with cleanup duty."

"I like the way you think," Peter replies with a grin.

"Not gonna stay for the briefing?" Stark asks with a raised eyebrow. "Or telling the class why you've got a known mercenary following you around like a duckling?"

"Nah." Peter says, raising a hand with a smile. "Later, Alligator!"

He gestures in a direction with a tilt of his head and he and Miles shoot off, Wade following close behind with his grappling hook.

The two Spider-Men perch on the ledge of another tall building while Wade clambers up below. "That was fun," Miles comments, leisurely leaning back on his hands and scuffing his foot on the side of the building. "Kicking robo-dude heinie is way more enjoyable than quadratic equations."

"Agreed, it's a nice break from work. Which, speaking of, I should probably head back to soon." But Peter makes no move to leave yet, he had a little time to spare with his old protégé.

"Sooo, Spidey. How go your studies?"

Miles chuckles at that. "Can't help yourself, can you? It's all good, but you don't need to worry about that. Ain't your job anymore, Teach!"

Wade finally clambers over the top of the building, laying face first on the ground next to Peter as he stretches his limbs out.

"Did anyone notice how Stark didn't say he'd see us later alligator? Billionares huh? Rude. Also, what job are we talkin about Spides?" He asks, turning around to lay on his back as he reveals he is now holding a plate with a slice of pie. He starts shoveling it into his mouth, somehow managing to get it under the mask without revealing any skin.

"Where did you..." Peter starts, but he feels Miles stiffen up next to him at Deadpool's question, likely worried that he revealed something. As quick as it happened, he relaxes and says with a chuckle. "Old Spider-Man here used to tutor me on stuff, this guys a total nerd." 

Deadpool's eyes widen significantly in delight at that. Peter ignores it and turns to Miles with fake offense, "Hey! I resemble that!" He echoes Wade from earlier, sparing a sideways smirk at the man after stealing his phrase.

Wade giggles freakishly at that, then switches gears and perks up. "That's SO cutie! I wanna see you be nerdy Spidey!!! Actually, I never finished high school. You should totallyyyy teach me everything after first quarter Senior year. If my brain isn't properly stimulated I could die, you know." He clasps his hands and blinks up at Spidey in what is probably supposed to be a cute way.

Peter snorts, "I'm not stimulating you, Wade."

Wade's lenses widen in surprise at that, then promptly squint as he starts giggling manically, bringing his hands to cover his mouth. "Oh Spidey, you tease!" He playfully baps Spidey's shoulder, letting his hand linger there. "Too late!" He winks, his tongue poking at his mask as he sticks it out the corner of his mouth.

Peter pulls back from his touch with a downward turn to his lips and raised eyebrow, but can't hold back the amusement in his voice and slight smirk as he says, "Gross, Wade." This earns another round of giggles as Wade clasps his hands around his knees and rocks from side-to-side.

Miles takes that moment to stand up, glancing back at the two of them over his shoulder and jutting a thumb backwards. Peter can practically feel deadpan look through his mask. "I think that's my cue to go." He says, unable to hide the amusement that upticks the end of his sentence. "If you guys won't be requiring my service after this, I shall bid thee adieu." A fancy flourish trails the end of Miles' sentence as he steps back to offer a deep and sweeping bow.

"Nerd alert!" Wade stage-whispers in a singsong voice into Spidey's ear. In return, Miles pulls up his mask just enough to blow a raspberry at Wade.

"See ya, Spider-Man. Thanks for the help tonight bud. And if you need any academic help, the offer still stands." Peter stresses.

"I got it man, but thanks. Peace out Spides!" Stepping backward off the roof, Miles raises a two-finger salute to Peter. Then, as he's falling back, does the same to Wade. "And Ripoff-Spides!" And with that he falls out of view until a web shoots to a neighboring building and pulls him off into the distance.

Peter smiles after the mini-er Spider-Man bouncing away. Well, mini-er in age and experience, anyway. At this point Miles was almost as big as him, physically. They grow up so dang fast. 'Nuff to make a grown man cry.

After a few moments of comfortable silence, Wade is the one to break it with a scoff. "Kids, amirite? Always with the disrespect."

Peter turns over to Wade with a grin he's sure can be seen through his mask. "What? I don't think he said anything that wasn't true."

Wade raises a hand to his chest and gasps, "How dare you sir! I'll have you know I'm an original! A one of a kind!"

But Spider-Man's already stood up and backing his own way off the roof in comfortable strides. "Suree. I guess, in a way, Spaceballs was also an original."

Enraged, Wade gets to his feet and waves his fist in the air like an angry NPC. "A beautiful butterfly! A special little snowflake!" But in a perfect mirror of Miles' movement,  Peter's already falling backwards off the roof with a two-finger salute.

"What is that? Like a Spider-Men staple move?" Wade asks, running over to the edge of the roof to peer at Peter dropping below. With a flick of his wrist, Peter pulls himself back up, soaring up above Wade's head and away.

"ALVIIIIIIN!!!!!" Wade shouts after him with his fist waving in the air again, apparently having run out of angry things to say.

Peter snorts a laugh, and then a smirk comes to his face as he hears in a much quieter voice. "Damn, I love when he does that. So cool."

Chapter Text

{Shhhh!}

[??? Nobody said anything.]

{I know! That's just my way of informing the reader we're on a secret stealth mission!}

[That's stupid. And this hardly counts as a stealth mission.]

"Guys! Be quiet!" Wade hisses under his breath, pressing his mouth against the hard bricks to muffle his voice. "He's gonna hear you!"

[I'm pretty sure you're the only one he'd be able to hear.]

Wade motions his hand to brush off White's words. This is followed by a series of military-esque motions to indicate his course of action for moving out. Wade moves to lay on his stomach on the building just above their rendezvous spot, peeking over the edge. He wiggles his butt in anticipation. Just wait for the right moment, and….

"HEY SPIDEYKINS!" Wade exclaims, jumping down from the higher building and landing right next to Spider-Man, who is patiently waiting at their meeting spot. One of his legs gives out with a crack. He might have broken a hip, but nothing he couldn't shake off.

"HOLE-Y CHEESE!" Spidey responds, jumping to his feet and spraying Wade right in the face with his Spider-Jizz.

[It's webbing. Don't give them the wrong idea.]

Wade starts laughing as he stumbles backward blindly and tries tearing the webbing off. "Dang, Spidey. So forward! At least take me to dinner first!" He exclaims, voice muffled.

A bedraggled groan sounds and Wade soon feels a hand on his arm. "Hold still." Spider-Man instructs. A mist sprays on him and soon the webbing starts melting away. Spidey tears the rest of the loosened webbing off and levels Wade with a stern look. "You really gotta stop doing that, Wade." Under the disapproval he can see how he still looks a bit frazzled.

Wade giggles manically at this, partly because of the out-of-character look on the Spider, and partly because he just spunk-blasted him twice.

[Seriously, you need to stop.]

"Before meeting you I wouldn't have suspected you were so jumpy, Bugaboo." Wade comments, delighted.

Spidey grimaces. "Tell me about it." He grumbles and sighs, rubbing at the back of his head for a moment, as if lost in thought. Then he turns to Wade and gives yet another one of his signature stern looks.  "And don't call me that, it's even worse than being jump-scared."

Wade waves his hand dismissively and twirls to pace around Spider-Man. "Oh! But you don't get the reference, though! You are SUCH a Ladybug, honestly."

"I know Miraculous, Wade. That's what makes it bad, because I know next you're gonna go comparing yourself to Cat Noir and act like we're star-crossed lovers or something."

Wade stops his pacing to lean heavily against Spidey's side, putting his face in front of Spidey's as he blinks up at him sweetly. "Am I wrong?"

Spider-Man rolls his eyes, "The only thing you have in common with Cat Noir is you're both a pain in the ass." Wade can make a cocky grin out from underneath Spidey's mask.

"Spidey!" Wade gasps, aghast at Spider-Man's crude choice of words. "Mentioning our secret booty-activities like that in the open. So scandalous!" He purrs.

Spider-Man quickly steps back so Wade falls against the empty space. "What'd I say?" He asks with a raised eyebrow, a hand on his hip. Wade loves when he's all sassy. Totally swoon-worthy.

{Plus he knows kids' cartoons. Is it too soon to get married?}

"Nah! Seems pretty good timing to me! Oh, speaking of timing-" Wade rushes to climb back up the wall he jumped down from, earning a confused look from Spider-Man. He clings to the ledge and pulls the box he stashed there towards him. Unfortunately his hands lose their grip and it slips to fall to the roof below.

"Oops!" Wade says as he looks down at it, then drops himself back down below into a backward-somersault. A loud crack sounds from a couple more of his bones and Spidey makes a perturbed noise. Wade shakes it off quick and jumps to his feet, grabbing the box and pushing it in Spidey's face in an instant.

"It's for our 12 day anniversary of being besties! If you count the first time being when you finally agreed to let me patrol with you. 28 if you count the time I first started stalking you!"

Spider-Man's surprised eyes move from the cake to Wade. He pushes the box down and levels him with a glare. "You've been stalking me HOW LONG?"

"No time at all!" Wade assures cheerfully. "Take a bite and taste the power of friendship!" He opens the lid to the very messed up cake. It's unicorn themed and on it are written the words "Cheers my dears to a hundred years! (minus 99 years and 353 days)". Well, it was supposed to say that anyway. Now it looks more like gibberish.

Spider-Man crosses his arms and tilts his head away to the side all crotchety-like. "We aren't friends, 'Pool. Like you said, you're my crazy stalker intern."

"Oh come onnnnn!" Wade whines, tilting his head to try and catch Spidey's gaze. "You totally love me!" He moves to the side to put himself in front of Spidey's face, who promptly turns his head the other way. "Say it!! Come on Spidey, don't be shy." He once again places himself in front of Spidey's gaze and gives him his best puppy dog eyes and pathetic pout.

"No! Stop acting like a child!" Spider-man groans, and in true childlike fashion he puts a hand on Wade's face to block his gaze.

Wade puffs a sigh and drops his shoulder. "Okay, I get it… You don't want to say it, I know when to let up..." He scuffs his foot mopingly on the gravel.

Spider-Man seems to startle slightly at Wade's lower mood. He pulls his hand back from his face hesitantly, and Wade takes this as his moment. He quickly moves to grab at Spidey's cheeks, who immediately jerks back in surprise. But Wade is too fast. "You're so cool, Deadpool! Lit-erly my BFF 5-Evers, ILY like crazy, girl!" He says in a high, muffled voice as he moves a very displeased and frazzled Spider-Man's cheeks in time with his words.

Spider-Man finally comes to his senses and successfully smacks Wade's hands off of him, but he doesn't succeed in covering up an amused snort even as he angrily rubs the merc-cooties off his face.

{We win!}

"You're delusional! And way too clingy!" He says, once again unable to tamper the smidgen of amusement in his voice. "But!" He says, and turns on his heel, walking toward the higher wall next to their roof. "I won't pass up free cake!" With that he sits down promptly against the wall and pats the space next to him chipperly. "Give it." He commands, and it's just so dang cute that Wade can't deny his jackass bug what he wants.

Wade beams and skips over, plopping down heavily in the space reserved for the cake to put himself in Spidey's space, who gives him a sidelong glance. Wade opens the lid, then quickly moves it away from Spider-Man as he turns to look at him. "Though, I'm not even sure if you deserve any friendship cake. You haven't ONCE worn the friendship bracelet I made you. Mercenaries have feelings too, you know." He sticks out his lower lip in a pout and mimes a teardrop falling down his face with his pointer finger.

Spidey tilts his head in the way that means he's rolling his eyes. "Ex-mercenary," He corrects, "And you'll survive. Give it!" He moves faster than Wade can react to grab the box and place it on his own lap, opening the lid with a pleased bounce to his leg. He then looks to Wade expectantly. "Fork?" He asks.

Wade shorts out for a moment. Nobody's really taken his quest to give up his mercenary background all that seriously so far. Let alone corrected him when he referred to himself as such. There's something validating about it. A small, warm smile creeps to his face. He looks down to his pouches and scrounges out two forks, holding one out to Spidey. He swipes it up instantly, pulling his mask up to his nose and frantically scooping a giant bite into his mouth like a starving man. Wade notes that he immediately went for the most intact unicorn design. A classy man.

Spidey chews a couple of times before swallowing and leaning back heavily against the wall with a pleased wiggle. "Oh yea, that hits. I totally forgot to eat lunch today."

Wade balks at this, quickly moving to grab both of Spider-Man's shoulders and look him squarely in the face. "You WHAT? How'd you manage that, Babycakes? (See what I did there? Cake?)"

Spidey shrugs, ignoring the urgency as he shovels another forkful into his mouth. He chews as he talks, crumbs steadily fall from his mouth.

[Gross.]

{Adorbz!}

"Just got distracted with work stuff. 'Fore I knew it my break was over."

"You're a growing man, Spidester. You need to get your 3 full meals in a day. How will you have the energy to Spider-Man around otherwise?" Wade scolds, crossing his arms and tapping a finger against his bicep disappointedly. "What about dinner?"

Spider-Man gives Wade an amused smirk. "Pretty sure I'm past the growing stage, Wade. Probably just gonna be getting old and crippled from here on." Wade tuts at that.

Spidey shrugs and takes another bite, this time with a bit of hesitance. "As for dinner… Lately I've just been waiting for you to buy tacos on patrol." He offers an almost sheepish grin.

"Are you serious? You already told me you barely sleep, but you barely eat, too?" Wade asks in disbelief, shaking his head in disapproval. He stands up suddenly and slams the lid of the box closed, nearly catching Spidey's hand in the movement. "We're fixing that. Let's go."

Spider-Man tries to reopen the lid but Wade keeps it closed and grabs at the box to clutch it protectively in his arms. Spidey reaches out a hand, looking more hopeless and distraught than Wade has ever seen the man. "But- The cake!"

Wade waves a finger scoldingly. "Cake later. We gotta get some nutrients in you now, Bugaboo." Wade drops the box back on the ground and kicks the it into a dark corner where he hopes no birds will find it.

Spider-Man's brows knit together through the mask and he opens his mouth for a few moments, as if trying to think of something to say. Obviously unable to, he shuts his mouth jarringly with a click and pulls his mask back down, reluctantly getting to his feet. He grumbles something under his breath but Wade only catches the louder "stupid nickname" part of it. Still, he follows Wade to the edge of the roof, a hand on his hip and the other gesturing him to lead the way.

Looks like he wasn't able to resist free food! Wade was pretty good at being convincing when he needed to be.

[Not like you're giving him any choice.]

"Nope! I'm taking his free will away, he doesn't deserve it at this point."

"I can hear that, you know."

Wade ignores that as he leaps off of the roof in the direction of food.

---

Wade takes a deep breath in through his nose, then puts his hands on his hips in satisfaction. "Ahhh, don't you LOVE it! The sweet, sweet smell of sweaty nerds and greasy floors!"

Spider-Man pushes under Wade's arm where he's holding the door open (so chivalrous!) and looks around the dark and musty arcade. Flashing lights illuminate the skeptical expression on his masked face, and bright, happy music and agitated swearing sing a sweet melody into Wade's ears. Such a beautiful and magical place.

"I don't get it, Wade," Spider-Man says, turning his gaze from the room back to Wade. "I thought were getting me nutrients. So why are we here? From the looks of it they just have-" Spider-Man quickly looks from side to side, then gestures to various people enjoying their delicacies. "Questionable, soggy pizza and soda."

"Oh my dear, sweet little 8-legged creature." Wade starts, letting go of the door and moving to put his hands on Spider-Man's shoulders consolingly. "It seems all your time on Earth still hasn't taught you the basics, but fear not, Daddy Deadpool is here to explain."

Spider-Man pushes one of Wade's hands off his shoulder. "Okay, there is no way you just called yourself tha-"

Wade plows on, immediately placing his hand back and using the other to pat Spidey on the chest supportively. "Pizza IS nutrients, you see? Cheese, bread, meat, tomatoes." He gestures in front of them to give Spidey a picture of the four key ingredients. "Those are your four main food groups right there!"

Spider-Man turns his head to squint at Wade. "That's… not right, 'Pool."

Wade takes his hands back and waves one of them dismissively in the air, rolling his eyes up to the ceiling. "Bleh, tomato tomato." He says, pronouncing both words the same, and drops the educational act, instead opting to put a hand on his hip judgingly. "Are you telling me you don't like yourself some good ol' soggy, greasy pizza?"

At this, Wade notices Spider-Man ever so slightly curl in on himself tentatively. "Well, I didn't say that-"

"Great!" Wade interrupts, and jumps ahead to slam his hands on the concessions counter, startling the attendant from his Cookie Run grind. "Two of your finest pizzas, Clarence! Oh, and if you got any veggies in the back then you'll be getting a tip." Clarence nods slowly, staring at Wade as if his eyes are still focusing on the real world, and tiredly pulls himself up from his chair to get to work.

Spider-Man leans close to Wade and nudges him with his shoulder. "His name is Brent…" He whispers, gesturing with his head to the attendant's nametag.

"I know, I like Clarence better." Wade replies chipperly at the same volume, then digs in his pouch and places a fat stack of cash on the counter. "There ya go, Clare-Bear!"

"Thanks, Captain Deadpool." Clarence replies as he takes the cash and punches some numbers into the register, pocketing the remaining change as is their custom. Spider-Man shoots him a questioning and amused look and Wade simply grins back. Clarence then offers Deadpool a salute, then turns to Spidey with a nod. "Good to see ya, Spidey. Thanks for the job rec."

Spider-Man gives thumbs-up. "No prob', Brent! You're doing great, man." Clarence returns the thumbs-up before moving into the back to get their food.

Seriously? Spidey knew him, too? Was there anyone he wasn't already friends with (besides Deadpool) in this city? He offers Spidey a questioning look, to which he replies with a grin mirroring Wade's from earlier.

While waiting for their food, Wade pivots toward the prize counter and takes a beat to admire the goodies on display. His eyes lock on the Transformers Bumblebee hand glove and his heart soars. Such a beautiful piece of craftsmanship.

{It shoots orbees from the top of the wrist!! Mama likey!}

Wade presses the top half of his body on the glass to stare at it from directly above, soon moving one of his legs up as well as he pets the glass. "Good to see you again, sweetness. Lookin' good." He whispers sweetly.

"You're gonna break the glass." Spidey says, grabbing Wade by the back of his katana holsters and pulling him off.

Clarence soon comes back with their pizza, along with some canned pinneapple and frozen spinach he found in the back, which Wade offers to Spidey. "See? Health food! Who said I wasn't a gentleman?"

Spidey snorts a laugh and instead grabs one of the pizzas. "Yea, I'll stick with the pizza. More nutritious." He says with a wink.

{Swoons}

[Did you just SAY "swoons"??]

"Suit yourself." Wade says with a nonchalant shrug, then throws the pineapple and spinach into the trash without looking. He immediately heads off to convert tons of his money into tokens.

Spider-Man watches him for a few moments as he sits on the floor, working on the pizza. He's carefully picking the pepperoni from his pie and putting it on Wade's, then shoving the clean slices into his mouth slobbishly and licking his fingers. What a beautiful, disgusting man. Wade would admire him dreamily if he wasn't on an important mission right now.

Soon though, Spidey starts to grow wary at the ever-growing pile of tokens and puts a (spitty) hand on Wade's wrist to stop him from inserting any more cash. "Are you sure you need that many tokens? We really shouldn't be here that long, anyway. We're supposed to be out patrolling."

Wade levels him with a serious look. "Oh, trust me. The quest I'm on requires ample resources." With that, he determinedly takes a scoop from his mountain of tokens, the machine behind him still spitting out a steady stream, and makes his way to his destination, leaving a trail of coins in his wake. Wade lets his tokens clatter to the floor, and places his hands and face against the glass wall holding his prize. "Don't worry, Princess Sparkles. You'll be coming home to Papa very soon." Wade strokes the glass where his gorgeous glittery pink-purply-yellow alicorn plush awaits, then heavily drops to his knees and inserts a few tokens.

He gives it his all at the claw machine, refusing to give up on his special girl as he toils tirelessly at the controls, inserting more and more coins as the minutes pass. Spider-Man sits nearby, half-heartedly watching his quest. Wade is pretty sure he got through the first pizza and has started on eating Wade's, but he can't be bothered with that right now.

Finally, Wade reaches down and realizes he's at the last token in his pile. The machine itself takes three. He looks at the coin in his hand for a moment, before moving to reach behind himself instead.

"THIS THING IS BROKEN!!!" He cries, pulling out his katana and holding it against the machine. If it was already broken, he may as well break it double!

Spider-Man is instantly on his feet and holding out a consoling hand. "Woahhh there, Nelly! Let's leave the big bad machine intact, okay?" He motions to lower the katana, and Wade turns a glare on him. Spider-Man raises his eyebrows and gives him a pointed nod downward, and after a few more moments of glaring, Wade acquiesces and drops his katana to the floor with a sigh. He leans his forehead against the glass and places a hand up to his plush longingly.

Spider-Man gingerly picks up his katana and puts it back into his holster, before moving to pick a few of the trailed tokens off of the ground. "These things are generally rigged, but they're easier to win if you know their tricks. Just-" He gets up and takes a few looks from certain angles around the sides of the machine, before inserting the tokens and starting up the game.

Wade watches with distant interest and the brightly-colored arachnid works the controls with precise movements, glancing around the sides once more to line up his shot. He taps the drop button twice, then visibly perks up. "Oh, nice!" Wade glances to the side, and sees the claw hook onto his prized plushie. He doesn't get his hopes up, as that generally means the claw is just going to brush onto it then pull back empty-handed. But then it lifts the plush into the air, then over the chute, then drops it in. Wade slaps his hands on the glass and peers down into the chute in disbelief. "No way. NO WAY! YOU ACTUALLY DID IT!!! HOW??"

Spider-Man leans down to grab the plush from below, then hands it to Wade, rubbing his hand on the back of his neck as if embarrassed by the praise. "It's nothin'." He says ever-so humbly.

Wade grabs the plush in his arms and spins around with it whimsically. "Wow Spidey, I feel like the luckiest girl in the world! You're so talented!"

Spider-Man points loosely to the machine and says, "Actually, it's not that hard once you crack the code. I can teach you if you want? First you check the blah blah blah blah blablah blah blah-" The Webbed Wonder's words turn to gibberish as Wade pets his plushie and stares dreamily at his knight in colorful spandex. The Amazing Spider-Man was truly a shining ray of light in this dark and desolate world. Wade was lucky to simply be standing on the same planet at this man... Spider.

"No thanks!" Wade chirps cheerfully, snapping out of his haze. Spider-Man looks surprised at this, he was probably still talking about science and words or something. Wade gives his plushie a big hug as he leans into Spidey's space. "See!" He says, overjoyed "I knew you were a nerd!"

At this, Spidey crosses his arms and squints at Wade distrustfully. "Yes, no, maybe so. And what's YOUR issue with it?" He leans forward challengingly.

Wade copies his movements and leans forward even more so their noses are touching. "Nothing, Spideykins." He sings playfully. "'S totally HAWT. You can drop your plushies in my chute anytime. If ya know what I mean." Wade purrs, and nudges Spidey twice with his elbow as he twitches his eyebrows suggestively. He tops it off with a polite smile.

Spider-Man immediately steps back two steps and stares at Wade through knitted brows, studying him for a moment. Then an amused huff escapes from his lips, and he rests his head in a hand before he starts full-out laughing. "Drop my-" He snorts, "That's so dumb, dude! How is that the best line you could think up?"

Wade crosses his arms and sticks his tongue out at the spider, turning to the side haughtily. How dare he judge his pick-up line mastery? He can't stop the snicker that comes out of him, though, as Spidey continues laughing and repeats "My plushies!" to himself in a higher, disbelieving voice, seemingly enjoying himself.

Spidey finally picks himself up from his fit and gives Wade a teasing grin. "Are you sure you're not the nerd here?" He asks.

"Yea well, I'm more nerdy than YOU!" Wade challenges.

[Great comeback, genius.]

Spidey raises his eyebrows at that, then crosses his arms and tilts his head challengingly. "You think so?? Why don't we have a little nerd-off then? I challenge you to try and beat me in every game here. Winner gets all the tickets to buy that glove thingy you were eyeing up at the prize counter earlier."

Wade gasps and puts his hands to his face in shock. "The Transformers hand-gun-thingy???"

"Is that what it was?" Spidey questions uncertainly, then nods resolutely and holds out a hand. "Yea, that. We on or not?" He challenges.

Wade immediately grabs his hand with both of his and shakes it at a violent speed. "Oh we're on like Donkey Kong, Webster!" He exclaims excitedly, gesturing to the nearest Donkey Kong rip-off game. "Well technically that one's Monkey Pong, but I'd say it's a good starting point!"

The two men compete with each other on the game and, as it turns out, Spider-Man has more nerd-skills than Wade originally thought. He'd spent a lot of time frequenting arcades when he was bored and jobless so he had faith in his own skills, but Spider-Man seemed to know all the tricks. They give each other a challenge though. Spidey does better than Wade at Monkey Pong, but Wade beats him at that Down the Clown. By the third game, a small crowd gathers to watch the two costumed competitors duke it out.

They're now dueling on Street Fighter, where Wade pulls out his magical strategy of mashing all the controls blindly. Works like a charm every time! This strat allows him to spare a glance the side in order to assess his competition. Spidey's brows are knit together seriously in concentration, and it looks like nothing could snap him out of whatever zone he's in as he mans the controls with an almost robotic precision. There's something endearing about how seriously he's taking it.

Then the K.O. sound effect plays and Wade whips his head to the screen to see his character down on the ground, all of its life-force depleted. "What??" He exclaims in disbelief, "How could you outperform my ultimate strategy???"

"I know you think button-mashing is a good strategy, 'Pool, but there are much better ones out there." Spidey tells him, shooting him a lofty grin.

"Nice going, Spidey!" A young boy probably around 12 years old holds up a hand for a high-five. "Thanks, Duncan!" Spidey responds as he slaps his hand. The kid then goes on to ask Spidey about his "strategies" or whatever and they enter some kind of dweeby discussion. Honestly, it's such a sweet sight that Wade considers not even being annoyed that he lost.

{No, retain your gamer-rage! Think of Bumblebee!}

"Right! Our glove!" Wade confirms. The thought of his to-be prize fills him with determination. He pulls on Spider-Man's arm. "Let's go dead-ify some undead!" He decides, and pulls the spider over to the zombie-shooter game. Spidey earns a couple more congratulatory high fives and fist bumps on the way.

As he inserts the tokens, Wade bumps his shoulder into Spider-Man's and murmurs, "You're such a social butterfly, Spidey! Maybe they should call you Butter-Man."

Spidey scoffs in amusement at that and tilts his head as he rolls his eyes behind the mask. "Butter-Man." He repeats, then shoots Wade an uncertain look. "You think I'm sociable?"

Wade raises an eyebrow, surprised at Spider-Man's uncertainty. "Yea man, are you for real? You've got like a little fan-club wherever you go. I can't even count on me and all of my enemies' hands how many random civilians I've seen that turned out to be your friends. Total butter vibes."

Spidey turns back to the game and presses the start button. "I guess so…" He says, but still trails off uncertainly.

{No way, he's such an oblivious popular girl!}

[Who knew Spidey lacked so much self-awareness?]

The two men work their ways through the games in the arcade, but Wade turns out to be losing more than he's winning.

They're just finishing up at the Spongebob-themed ticket wheel. Wade's turn finally slows to a stop and lands on the 25 block, whereas Spidey's turn had landed on 40.

That's it. That's the last game in the arcade. Wade had officially lost.

"I SUCK!" Wade whines, collapsing over the front of the machine hopelessly. Spidey laughs and pats him comfortingly on the back. "You did pretty good, though! The 362 you got on Crossy Road was super impressive!"

Wade lifts his head up with a dramatic sigh. "Yea, obviously I'm a master at Crossy Road, but I still lost our challenge!"

"Well, you win some and you lose some, 'Pool." Spider-Man says sagely. "In this case, I won more. Which.. Well, you know what that means." Spidey drops the comforting act and instead gives him a shit-eating grin as he holds his hand out expectantly.

Wade glares at him grumpily, but he reluctantly reaches into his pouches to pull out his tickets. Struck with an idea, he stops short of placing them into Spidey's hand.

"Duel me on the photo booth! All or nothing!"

"Wade, I don't think 'photo booth' is a competitive sport." Spider-Man says slowly and somberly, as if he's informing a four year old that the Santa they saw was actually some fat homeless man with a big bag of recyclables.

"Yes it is! Whoever's most handsome wins the- Oh, nevermind! You'll win that too!" Wade throws his hands up in exasperation and pulls at his nonexistent hair, growling in irritation.

He snaps and points at Spidey. "Bounce castle! Whoever jumps the highest wins the prize!" He says resolutely.

Spidey puts a finger to his chin and tilts his head up like he's considering it. "Well…" He trails off promisingly. Wade jumps in place, excitedly awaiting his answer. Spidey looks back down to him and opens his mouth to talk, before suddenly stiffening in place.

"No can do!" He says with a sense of urgency. "We gotta go!"

Wade droops his shoulders disappointedly. "Awwww! You're just scared!"

"I'm serious 'Pool! Something's happening." Spider-Man says, and grabs at Wade's upper-arm as he pulls him towards the exit.

Wade pulls a ragdoll on Spidey, causing him to fall back onto Wade in the confusion. Wade wiggles free and quickly runs to where he stowed Princess Sparkles away. He stuffs her behind the strap of his utility belt, then stops on the way to the exit to once again press his body on top of the prize counter, hand placed longingly over his prized glove. "I'm sorry my baby! I won't forget you!"

Spider-Man grabs forcefully at his arm. "'Pool. Now!" This time he doesn't let go and Wade looks longingly back inside while they exit through the doors.

---

The two valiant heroes are perched on the edge of a nearby building, taking in the scene below. Two men stand on guard. One of which is big and buff and wielding a mechanical guantlet. He's threateningly pointing his fist at any nearby civillians with that signature "snitches get stitches" look (though most of the native New-Yorker's just ignore him and the entire robbery situation). Judging by the various blast and scorch marks, he guesses the gauntlet has blasting capabilities. Surprisingly high-tech for a low-rung jewelry store thief he doesn't recognize. The other man is dressed in the most knockoff Electro outfit known to man. Like, he probably got it from Walmart or made it himself with sub-par craftsmanship. The best part: In his hands, he weilds a taser. Comedy gold.

"Uhh, right," Spidey starts in a low voice, "Well, this looks like a mess. Why don't you create a distraction and I'll take them out."

"Say no more, Spideyboss!" Wade jumps to his feet and steps off of the roof, landing promptly on his face. He hears a faint "ohmigod" from above, but when he looks back at the roof, his spider's disappeared.

"That guy just jumped!!!" A nearby citizen yells, drawing the attention of nearby crowds, and, by extension, the criminals.

[Very graceful, Wade.]

"All according to plan," Wade mutters as he lifts his mask slightly to spit out some blood and a few teeth. Then he hops to his feet and raises his arms triumphantly. His bones are still a bit broken so the stance is a bit awkward and one of his arms is hanging down at the elbow. "Hallelujah, it's a miracle! I died and now I've come back to life! Everyone come marvel at the medical anomaly!"

The muscly guy out front brandishes his giant glowy glove and braces himself. "What're you playing at, man?" He asks in a gruff voice. Deadpool limps across the street, his legs still healing. "Nothing! I'm done playing with my life, my friend! I saw Death and now I'm a whole new man! I think I'll start pilates tomorrow."

He wraps an arm around the beefy man who appears to be so confused that he forgets to brush him off. Deadpool pats a hand on the guy's bicep. "Speaking of pilates, do you work out?" He leans against him with his head in his hand and strokes a finger along his gauntlet flirtily.

The giant fisty-dude's angry expression vanishes, replaced by a blush. "Uh, well, yeah. Actually I-"

"Yea that's great, sweetness." Deadpool says quickly, cutting him off. "Hey y'know, you remind me of someone... How do you feel about suntan lotion?" He asks coquettishly.

Before his beefy techno man can respond, an angry dude wearing an donkey mask and some weird neon unitard bursts out through the doors. "What's going on out here? You guys are supposed to be keeping people AWAY." He says in annoyance, waving a semi-automatic in the air.

The scrawny Electro knockoff scampers up nervously like a textbook minion. "S-sorry boss. We were just-"

Another face pokes its way out of the shop. A dweeby looking man with a masquerade man frowns at the scene. In a thick, Irish accent he asks, "Will you get back here and help me bag this stuff up? We're on a time crunch ya' know!"

Something catches Wade's attention, and he looks down to see a certain Masked Menace laying down behind the Irish man's feet, carefully tying his shoelaces together. Wade raises an eyebrow at this, and spares a glance around them to see if anyone else noticed, but the men all seem too busy arguing amongst themselves.

Spidey catches Deadpool's gaze and wiggles his eyebrows mischeviously, then motions Wade to step back, which he obeys. This is then followed by a bunch of other gestures.

[That… What did any of that mean?] White asks.

"Don't worry, I got this." Deadpool mutters confidently under his breath. "Oh yea, silly me. I didn't mean to distract you boys!" He starts in a loud voice, catching the Walmart-style villians' attention. "You should totally get back to work and- OMG!! IS THAT SHAKIRA WALKING DOWN THE STREET?!" He jumps and points out onto the road.

"Where?!" All four criminals ask in sync. The dweeby masquerade-masked one darts forward to try and get a look, only to trip on his shoelaces and fall into the donkey-dude in front of him. Upon impact, something explodes and all four men are stuck together in a mess of webbing.

There is a moment of silence, before Wade and Spider-Man burst out in laughter at the same time. Spidey is keeled over holding his stomach, struggling to catch his breath in his giggle-fit. He manages to pick himself up and stumble toward Wade with a raised hand. "That was awesome! They fell for the oldest tricks in the book!!"

The criminals thrash around, yelling broken instructions and curses at each other. He thinks the gauntlet dude might've busted the dweeby dude's nose with his kicking.

Wade goes in for the high-five with Spidey, wiping an invisible tear from his eye as he continues laughing. "Did you see how excited all of them looked when I said there was Shakira?!"

"I can't believe they ALL fell for it!" Spidey wheezes out, draping an arm around Wade's shoulders for support as he presses a hand to his forehead in pleased disbelief. "I almost feel bad!"

"And what was that explosion, some kinda Spidey-Bomb?"

Spidey snorts, "Yea, it's-"

"I'm free!" A voice interrupts, and Wade and Spider-Man quickly turn to see the mini-electro posing gloriously next to his fallen comrades.

How did- Oh.

So, it seems he escaped by losing his pants.

"You won't get away with this!" Electro-dud shouts at the two of them with a feral look in his eye, Wade can swear he sees foam at the corner of his mouth. And by the looks of it, he was a briefs man.

"Yikes…" Spidey mutters next to him. Wade places a hand on Spidey's chest to prevent him from engaging. "Don't concern yourself with this small fry, Spides. Captain Deadpool will handle this."

Deadpool steps forward, putting a hand out placatingly. "Now, now, little friend. I know you're scared, but everything will be fine. The shelter is a nice place! Let's just get you a rabies shot and-"

"STOP TALKING!!!" Fake Electro shouts as he pounces onto Wade, his hands are on his shoulders, feet on his hips as he growls down into Deadpool's face.

"Okay this is very forwar-"

The gremlin crawls his way around Wade's torso to wrap his legs around his back, putting himself in his blind spot. He scratches and bites and kicks all the while, in true feral fashion.

"YOWCH! You've got bony elbows! Hold on, just-" Wade raises a thumb in the air, "Everything's fine here, Spidey!" He calls, and attempts to reach for one of his katanas, but it's blocked, and instead he gets a sharp bite on his pointer finger. Did this guy sharpen his teeth?? "OWIE!" He says, pulling back and sucking his finger through his glove. He turns an annoyed look on the man.

"Listen man I'm really starting to get teed off, here. Can you- STOP IT I'M TICKLISH THERE!" Wade clutches his chest and wobbles around disoriented, fighting off giggles as Electro-not scratches his very pointy fingernails up and down Deadpool's side.

"Seriously man!" He gets out between giggles in a high voice, "I'm gonna pee myself!"

Electro-dud responds by scraping his pointy fingernails down Wade's neck. "Ow!" He exclaims, laughter dying at his annoyance, "Hey- Uh- Wait, why did that hurt?" Wade raises his hand to his face and pulls it away to see actual blood. He feels air hit his exposed skin up to his nose. Looks like the little rat pulled up his mask mid-tickle since his attacks weren't seeming to do much damage through his suit.

Frantically, Wade turns to Spidey and sees him hunched over, lenses squinted and shoulders shaking in silent laughter as if thoroughly amused by the scene in front of him. Upon meeting Wade's gaze, his lenses widen a fraction of an inch more.

Wade pulls his mask down immediately with a squeak, and pulls out his special move. He kicks himself backward and falls onto his back, taking Mini-Lectro down with him. Upon hitting the ground, a jolt of electricity goes through him, causing him to spasm.

Right, the taser.

"Crap! DP!!" Spidey exclaims has he runs over, moving his hands uncertainly as if unsure what to do.

Wade manages to roll his eyes to meet his Spider, and tries to give a thumbs-up, but his arm won't cooperate due to the steady stream of electricity still coursing through his body.

Spidey nudges him off of the man beneath him with his foot, then webs the other guy up before he can run off. He turns Deadpool back onto his back and says, "You okay man? Blink once for yes." Then presses his palm to his forehead as he seems to remember he wouldn't be able to see that through the mask. "Wait."

Deadpool enjoys the sweet sensation of not being electrocuted, even though his body still feels pretty buzzy. "I'm… okay." He manages to squeak out in a high voice.

The sound of sirens make their way over and Spider-Man pulls Deadpool into a sitting position. "Let's get outta here, man. The police can take care of the rest." He hefts Deadpool over his shoulder shoots a web out to swing them away.

{He's holding us! Totally romantic-like!}

[He's holding our incapacitated body like a sack of potatoes, you mean.]

{He's so strong!!! Heart eyes.}

The swinging is so way totally cooler than his grappling hook. Slowly, Wade regains motor function in his limbs and starts to wiggle excitedly. At the next drop he lets out a scared squeak and clutches at Spidey, then perks up suddenly. "Oh!! Hit the bird, hit the bird! 40 points!" He leans back to look ahead over Spidey's shoulder and points out a seagull flying nearby.

Spidey lets out a chuckle, and shouts over the wind. "Having fun back there? Stop moving around or I might hit a wall instead!"

Wade obeys to the best of his ability, dropping back into his previous position like a ragdoll. Then almost immediately forgets when a flock of pigeons fly above them. He starts to move around excitedly again, pointing out all the cool stuff and commenting on how everything looks like ants as Spider-Man struggles to keep them on-course.

His movement may or may not cause their landing to be a bit harsher than usual, as Spidey trips on the ledge and the two of them go tumbling across the roof.

Wade immediately pulls himself to his feet and jumps in the air. "That was so fun!!! Can we do it again??" He asks.

Spidey lays with his legs splayed over his head against the wall. He flips himself into a sitting position with a groan, then rubs his back as he raises an eyebrow at Wade. "Sorry bud, I don't think we're ever doing that again. Not even being tased can keep you still, apparently." He says with an air of amusement. He then pulls himself to his feet and starts stretching his arms, looking from side-to-side searchingly. "Where'd you put the cake?" He asks.

"Boo, you whore!" Wade says in a perfect Regina impression, then finally takes in their surroundings. They're back at their normal meeting spot, where Wade left the cake, he crouches and looks around for his hiding spot. "It's around here somewhere…" He trails off, then catches sight of the box and perks up. "Here!" He runs to pick it up, only to see a rat trying to chew its way through the packaging.

"Hey buddy, get your own!" Wade says, lightly smacking the rat away as he picks up the cake. It just sits there looking up at him.

[Maybe it's rabid?]

"What're you looking at?" Wade asks the rat, and it simply keeps staring at him. He levels it with a glare, but soon those big sparkly black eyes melt his heart. It's actually pretty cute for a dirty disease conduit.

"…Oh, okay! I can't stay mad at you!" Wade reaches into the box to grab out a chunk of the cake with his hands, dropping it next to the pleased rat. He then skips off cheerfully to the excitedly awaiting Spider-Man as he licks frosting off his gloved fingers. "Cake delivery!" He sings, sitting down heavily next to Spidey and opening the box.

"I've been waiting for this…" Spider-Man trails off breathlessly as he moves the box between them and scoops up a huge bite with his fork. He pulls his mask up to his nose and shoves the cake into his mouth with a pleased smile, slumping back in a relaxed manner.

Wade grins and grabs his own fork, moving to pull out his own mask expertly in the way that allows cake through whilst not scaring Spidey off by exposing his freaky skin. Then he freezes.

Wait, earlier, didn't that Mini-Electro pull his mask up? Wade looks over to Spidey panickedly.

{Do you think he saw?}

[How wouldn't he have? He was staring right at us.]

He seemed so chillaxed though. Maybe he really didn't see, in that case? Wade drops his shoulders slightly in relief, but still feels tense at the possibility. It was pretty unlikely Spidey noticed if this was how he was acting, but just in case…

Wade takes a deep breath. "Soooo." He says, ever-so casually breaking up the tension and catching Spider-Man's attention. "During that scuffle with the knockoff dude, did you see like…" Unsure what to say, Wade loosely gestures to his face.

Spidey's brows raise slightly at this, then lower as his mouth twists into a grimace. "Ah, yea man. Sorry 'bout that." He gets out through a mouth of crumbs.

Sorry? Wade wasn't really expecting an apology, but that disproves his theory that Spidey simply didn't notice. He drops his shoulders in defeat. "And um.. Are you freaked out?" He asks nervously, not actually wanting to hear the answer.

"Freaked out?" Spidey swallows, then the side of his mouth draws down and he raises a  brow uncertainly. "Wouldn't you be the one that's freaked out?"

Wade blinks at him in confusion, not really able to puzzle out Spidey's responses. Why did he think Wade be the freaked out one? I mean, he was. But only because he thinks he freaked Spidey out.

Then he's struck with realization and lets out a dry laugh.

"Oh, right." He starts shyly, feeling a bit stupid about his assumptions. "I guess I shouldn't have expected you to freak. Makes sense that you already saw what I look like when you researched me online." That must have given him ample time recover from bouts of vomiting.

"Nah." Spidey replies.

"Nah?"

"I mean, I looked you up, sure. But I didn't open the images tab or anything." He says with a shrug.

"You-" Wade starts. He tries to take a moment to process. There must be something wrong with what he was hearing. "So... you didn't know what I looked like. Before this?"

"Nope."

Wade moves to say something, but his jaw just hangs there instead. He's still having trouble processing his response.

{Shouldn't he be like, puking or something right now? Acting like we're contagious?}

"Your pictures are online?" Spider-Man asks, tilting his head with furrowed brows. "Like, without the mask?"

"Yea." Wade confirms, lost.

Spider-Man moves his gaze away and scratches his chin uncertainly. "I really thought you were trying to hide your identity or something."

"I told you my full name our second time meeting." Wade points out.

"Yea well, that was the confusing part." Spidey says with a bewildered shrug.

They stare at each other for a few moment, then a small chuckle escapes Spider-Man at the ridiculousness of the situation. Wade's mouth quirks up, and he lets out a laugh as well.

"Sooo, why did you seem so freaked about showing any part of your face, then?" Spider-Man asks, looking less tense now but still a bit lost.

"Because I look like I have some horrible contagious skin disease. " Wade replies simply. "My body is being eaten alive by Über-Cancer. Most people run away or throw up or something."

"You have cancer??" Spidey leans forward immediately and looks at Wade worriedly.

"Yea! It's no biggie though. Healing factor." He says, gesturing to himself, then leans forward and gives Spidey a skeptical look. "How much did you look into about me, dude?"

Spider-Man melts back against the wall and lifts his hands in a shrug. "'Dunno, I just skimmed a Wikipedia article."

This pulls a laugh from Wade and he leans his shoulder back against the wall, turned to face Spider-Man. "I expected more from you, Spidey! You won the nerd-off and everything! Shouldn't you be like, addicted to research?"

Spider-Man smiles back. Wade appreciates the look of it without his mask blocking the view. Soft and nice and not containing any trace of scorn or mockery. He shrugs. "I get lazy sometimes." He says simply.

Spidey then turns back forward and shoves another big bite in his mouth, talking through the cake. "Anyway, it's lame that people act like freaks around you and stuff. I really don't think it looks as bad as you think. If you wanna show some skin around me I won't go running and screaming or anything. Spidey's honor." He smirks and holds his fingers up in the Boy Scout's salute.

"Oh you'd love me to show more skin, wouldn't you?" Wade flirts back automatically, offering up a salacious smirk. Spider-Man snorts and rolls his eyes at this, diverting his attention back onto the cake as he shoves another bite into his mouth with a grin.

Wade's smirk turns into a lighter smile. He considers the words for a moment, raising his hand to his mask again, then pauses.

[You sure that's a good idea?]

{Eep! What if he didn't fully see? He might still freak out!}

Wade pulls the mask over his nose in one swift motion and immediately scoops a big bite of cake into his mouth. He copies Spidey in leaning back heavily against the wall, looking up at the stars as he chews.

Wade had gotten better over the years about not caring what people thought when he exposed his face. Still, this time his insecurity was heightened with his fav hero next to him. His hand twitches, itchy to pull the mask back down, but he keeps it busy by shoveling cake into his face instead.

"Sorry, but… Isn't Electro such a weird villain to have as your icon?" Spider-Man's voice breaks the silence.

Wade nearly snorts his cake up his nose. "YES. Exactly what I was thinking. And the taser? Insane."

"I mean, to be fair, he did get you." Spider-Man drops his head to the side languidly and points his fork at Wade.

"That was a fluke! He'd be better off going with some sort of feral animal theme. Did you see the look in his eyes when he came at me? Not to overshare but I did pee myself a little bit in that moment."

Spider-Man chuckles at that. "Gross." He says through another forkful of cake. The two of them trail off into amiable silence for a moment, before Spider-Man moves to quickly shovel a heck-ton of cake in his mouth, storing it in his cheeks like a chipmunk.

"Okay, I hate to cut this short, especially considering we spent most of patrol just playing arcade games, but I wanna try and decent amount of sleep for work tomorrow." He pulls his mask fully over his face and gets to his feet, brushing his legs off.

"Sounds good, Spideykins." Wade says, looking up at him with a smile. Spider-Man finishes chewing and swallows with a huge gulp. He looks down at Wade, and this time he can feel his gaze lingering on the freshly exposed bit of Wade's face for the first time. He can't help but fidget nervously under his gaze, his smile dropping slightly.

Then Spidey's lenses squint back in a smile, and Wade suddenly feels a whole lot better. "Great!" Spidey says, moving to leave.

Wade quickly closes up the cake and pushes it toward the bug-boy. "Hang on, take it with you."

Spidey turns back and eyes up the cake. "You sure?" He asks.

Wade nods emphatically. "Mhm! After all, it's a token of our beautiful wonderful friendship!" He clasps his hands together and blinks up at Spidey adorably.

Spider-Man lets out a mischievous snicker. He pretends to clear out his ear with a pinky and holds up a hand for better hearing. "Sorry.. Our what? I think I misheard you."

Wade startles at this, leaning forward as he searches the Webbed Wonder's face. "Seriously?? You're still on that? We had a bonding moment, Spides! I cradled you in my arms!!!"

Spidey snorts, placing a hand on his hip. "And when did that happen?"

"Right now!" Wade pushes forward to wrap his arms around his waist.

Spider-Man catches him by placing a hand on his head and pushes him away. "Knock it off, Wade." He says with trailing amusement. "I'll see you tomorrow."

Wade drops his arms disappointedly and pouts up at the Webbed wonder as he moves to the edge of the roof. Catching himself, Spider-Man freezes, then turns to shoot a web at the cake and flings it into his arms.

"Thanks for the totally professional coworkers cake." He teases and winks, then hops off the building and swings away.

[Hey, at least he said co-workers instead of boss-intern. That's a step up.]

{Things are moving so fast <33!! We are so writing about this in our diary!}

Chapter Text

It's the last class of the day, but that doesn't mean Ellie's determination has dried up yet. She bites hard on the inside of her lip and squints in concentration, gaze locked statically on the task in front of her.

Then that determination breaks in an instant, and she drops both her phone and her head on her desk with a loud thunk. She ran into a pillar. Not even a train, or anything actually hard to avoid. Arguably the lamest way to die.

"Oh come on! You totally hesitated, otherwise you wouldn't have hit it!" An annoyed voice whisper-yells next to her. She picks her head up and shoots the little asswipe a glare.

"Shut yo' crusty piehole up, Franklin." She hisses back, offering a pointed look to the dried hot sauce around his mouth. Nasty ass. While he's distracted with wiping at his mouth in confusion she delivers a swift kick to his leg which earns a loud "Ow!"

Luckily their scuffle is barely noticeable over the noise from the rest of the kids. A lot of them aren't even classy enough to whisper their yelling. Total animals!

"Okay guys, I know I've been talking a long time and you're all probably ready to go home, but let's focus up one more time before class ends, alright?" The teacher speaks up over the noise with his tone of never-ending patience. (She knows it's a ruse, one time Ellie left her jacket behind in class and walked back to find him with two freshly crumbled energy drinks and his head on his desk muttering about how he was going to quit and move to the Bahamas.)

Franklin takes this moment to make a grab for her phone in what he probably thinks is a sneaky and swift movement. "Just let me show you how it's do-" She promptly smacks his face away and roughly turns his head toward the front of the classroom. "Listen!" She scolds. Franklin belatedly raises a hand to his smacked cheek as if just processing what happened (he wasn't the brightest) then turns an angry look on her. Ellie lets go of his greasy head to clasp her hands politely in front of herself on the desk, and devotes her attention entirely to their teacher. Or at least, almost does. She gives herself a moment to shoot Franklin a snarky look, silently bragging about how much more well-behaved she was. He just grumbles angry things at her under his breath and collapses back into his seat.

"Tomorrow your group projects are due for real this time. I'm serious, I already added on the weekend and Monday, we aren't extending it again! Even if you didn't finish, turn them in at the start of class and we'll do presentations on Thursday." Ellie quietly giggles at that, not believing it for a second. She quickly found out that their class had a skill for getting their projects drawn out as long as possible. When most of the students worked together at turning their work in as late as they could, it was hard for teachers to not give in to their demands. Solidarity was a beautiful thing.

"For those of you who actually finished on-time, you're free from homework, but why don't you listen to the They Might Be Giants "Here Comes Science" album? If you tell me your favorite song and what it taught you, I'll give you extra credit! It's good guys, I'm serious. Don't roll your eyes, Nolan, just give it a try! The first sun song is a little outdated but it's one of my favorites- Though the scientifically accurate one is more of a slow jam, which actually I really like. It's pretty classy. Actually if you if you can tell me why that first song is outdated then I'll give you extra extra credit-"

Okay, that was enough of that. Ellie gives up the ruse and pulls back out her phone, immediately opening it up to Subway Surfers. She feels Franklin perk up and scoot his desk to get a better look at the screen again.

Their science teacher was a bit of a chatterbox, so knowing when to tune out of the class was a skill in itself. He could really give someone else she knew a run for his money.

Speaking of the devil, Ellie gets a notification on her phone and presses out of the game. She hears an agitated groan and rolls her eyes to the ceiling. "Go watch Family Guy clips or something on your OWN phone, Franklin." She grits out.

A new text from her dad shows itself on her screen, quickly followed by a flood of others as he continues typing at what Ellie assumes isn't even half the regular speed of his thoughts.

**Spam Likely**

Importanst dillema need daughterly advice ❗️❗️❗️❗️

Wanted potpie ANF apple pie butttt

Ainly have nuff flour 4 ONE ☝️😟😫🥺

Du u think pot apple pie would taste good

No

No good

Maybe half snd half?🤔

Unless

Actualky maybe savoiry-sweet wud be yummy!!!! whaddyou think??? 

Ellie makes a face. While her dad was a good cook, that was often ruined by the fact that he was a li'l too adventurous in the kitchen. Though, she had to admit that those mac'n'cheese 'n' bacon chimichangas from last week totally made up for the cinnamon roll chicken wings the week prior.

Something catches Ellie's attention and she spares a glance to see the kid on the other side of her scratching her desk and jumping in her seat as she stares desperately at the clock. Ellie winces lightly at the feral look in their eye, and casts her gaze over the rest of the room to see similar desperation all around. The last few minutes of school generally tended to get really intense. Suddenly, the kid next to her jumps out of their desk and promptly starts marching towards the door, several others following in her stead.

Their teacher of course notices this, and sidles up to the end of his desk with a more than likely fake smile. "Okay kids, if you could stay seated until-" Just then the bell rings and he drops his shoulders with a sigh, suddenly looking relieved. "Actually, go ahead."

Ellie looks back down to her phone, the typing bubble finally disappeared. Knowing her dad, he was probably already starting on his abomination or collapsed on the floor from indecision. She types out a response before he can start anything drastic. She did not want to spend the rest of the night with a tummy ache.

Maybe just go for the pot pie.

Quicker than lightning, Dad responds.

Good advice princess!!!

You're right, mixing the two is no good, what oh what was i THINKING?

This is why I need my sweet little kid, you keep your senile ol' pops in check

This is followed by a lot of heart-eyed cat, kissy mark, and pregnant man emojis (that was supposed to be the two of them since Dad supposedly couldn't find a better family emoji. He was so gross). Ellie puffs an amused breath as she grabs her backpack and makes her way to the door, relieved that she avoided another dinner-disaster. Before she can reach the exit, a voice calls her attention back.

"-try, Allen! You can't leave Darius to do all the work!- Oh, Ellie!" Ellie turns and raises a confused eyebrow back at her teacher, which he returns with a smile. "Can I talk to you before you go?"

Ellie shrugs, adjusting her backpack to hang over both shoulders as she walks back to stand in front of his desk. "Sure thing, Boss."

"Great! It'll be quick, I promise." His eyes track the students leaving the room. "Your research paper was great! Between you and me," He looks from side-to-side, waiting for the last kid to leave, before leaning in and covering the side of his mouth to stage-whisper, "One of the only legible ones."

Ellie perks up. Finally, some well-deserved praise around here! She grins and shrugs. "What can I say, P-Man? It's hard to keep my head up sometimes, pretty heavy up in here!" She points to her skull and grins. Their project was pretty free reign, any experiment their hearts desired as long as it was something you could write a paper on. Let's just say, Weasel would be picking gummy worm chunks out of his hair for a while. Don't ask.

Mr. P smiles and nods. "I can tell! But that's kinda what I wanted to talk about, kiddo." His smile switches into a slightly more awkward one as he scruffs up the hair on the back of his head. Aw man, was this a good-news bad-news scenario? First he boosted her ego before saying she was like, kicked out of school, or going to jail for drawing their yucky hairy principal as an cutesy anime girl on the bathroom mirror?

"I don't know if you know this, but we're a little short-staffed at the moment, with Mrs. Encarnación on maternity leave and Mr. Hale is- um, well." His face twists uncertainly before he finishes, "In jail."

"I KNEW he was in jail!" Ellie pumps a fist excitedly. Darnell SO owed her five bucks!! And his foil Meowstic Pokémon card!

Mr. P makes a show of glancing out the door for listeners and shushing her, but he sports a grin on his face as he does so. "Don't tell anyone I told you!" He warns. Ellie nods and zips her lips up emphatically. She was a girl of her word! She wouldn't tell a soul! Except of course Darnell, and maybe a few other people if she felt the need.

"Anyway, as a result I was assigned as your possibly-temporary guidance counselor and…"

Once again he hesitates for a moment as he chews on the inside of his cheek, before getting out, "I can tell you've got a sharp mind, so I just wanted to maybe get an idea of why most of your assignments are missing or half-done." He taps his pencil on the desk expectantly as he awaits an answer.

Oh shiet! This was a grades thing. Abort, abort! The best strategy, Ellie decides, is to play dumb.

"Wait, seriously?" Ellie puts on a worried tone and raises a hand to her face in shock. "I totally thought I got them all in, guess I forgot!" She shakes her head, as if fully disappointed in herself. "My B, PP! I guess I'm just not that good at this school stuff!" Ellie knocks on her noggin' and clicks her tongue to make it sound empty in there. "Hello, anybody home?" She asks, waiting a beat, then gives her teacher a big 'what can ya do' shrug.

Totally convincing and definitely not a complete 180 from what she said earlier. Hopefully he would just feel bad about either her stupidity or bad acting skills and let her go now.

Instead, PP cringes. "Could we cut it with the nicknames just for now, Ellie? I know it's tempting to you all but there's only so many losses of face a grown man can take in a day." He says in a hopeless tone, but there's a hint of amusement trailing his words.

Ellie holds in a snicker. This teacher was an odd one so he was easy to meme on, it became easier when they found out his full name was an alliteration. Who cared if it was immature? PP-pants, Pee-boy, etc. was low-hanging (and yes, definitely immature and uncreative) fruit, but it was practically a waste to not grab it. Still, Ellie had a beautiful and pure (and don't try and say otherwise) soul, so of course she couldn't help but feel just a teensy bit bad for the teachers whose jobs were specifically managing out-of-control middle-schoolers. She could do the dude a solid this once.

She gives a salute. "Roger that, Mr. Parker!"

PP-Pan- Mr. Parker grins. "Perfect!" He says cheerily, then continues. "Now back to what you said. Which is, by the way, total bull, Ellie. I know you're not just hopeless at school. You're smart with a lot of things, you've exhibited that in most of your classes, when you actually DO your schoolwork. The problem is you generally don't seem to put in the time."

Ellie gasps, putting her hands to her cheeks in delight. He said BULL!! That's like super close to a bad word, teehee.

P-bone plows on. "Don't get me wrong, you're not in trouble or anything!" He clarifies, "I just wanted to check in and see if there's anything you might need… help, with?" The way he asks at the end with a bit of an upward lilt and an awkward wince sets Ellie's teeth on edge. She's heard that lilt before! And it was usually accompanied with an adult sticking their nosy little noses where they shouldn't be. This was a conversation she decided she wanted out of now. And what better way to get out of a conversation than lie through your teeth??

Ellie puts a hand on her hip and uses the other to wave him off in assurance. "'Preciate it, Parker! But I'm chillin' like a villain! And I gotta say, you totally motivated me to do better with all this talk about applying myself and junk. Seriously, man, tomorrow I'll be a new me! You'll see!" She gives a big thumbs up and leans toward the door, hoping that's enough to let her leave for the day.

Unfortunately, P-Dawg looks unconvinced, and also, a little bit saddish now. That's not a good sign.

He drops any teacher-y persona he was putting on before (which Ellie didn't even realize he was doing) and says bluntly. "Listen, I'm not stupid Ellie. I know what's going on with, well, the bullying. And… Your mom."

Ellie purposely ignores that last part, instead whipping her head up and giving him a wide-eyed skeptical look. "Buh- Buh- What?! How do YOU know about that?" She peeks under the desk and then looks him over closely for maybe a wire, or a spyglass or something. P-Bone wasn't even in the same class as her main tormenters, so how this freaky little ninja knew was beyond her.

Mr. Parker inches away slightly, probably taken off guard by Ellie's reaction. Then he seems to pick up on what she's doing and lifts his arms a bit as if to show off he's not hiding anything. Instead, he taps on his temple and gives a cocky grin. "I'm smarter than I look, y'know." He says with a shrug.

Ellie eyes him up. Unlikely, cuz he looked like a total dweeb. He was like a stock image of a stereotypical science teacher. "Doubt that, Teach. And anyway, that ain't even a big deal. I can totally deal with those divas." She puts a hand on a hip and glares off to the side. How dare he doubt her ability to put people in their place. The nerve.

"I'm sure you can, but that doesn't mean you SHOULD have to!" P-Bone says emphatically, and out of curiosity Ellie moves her gaze back over to him. He's rubbing the hair on the back of his head and frowning up at the ceiling. "Don't worry, alright? I'm not planning to give those little pricks a talking to on your behalf or anything, because I know how that goes." He rolls his eyes at the idea.

"Oh do you?" She tests, raising an eyebrow in mild surprise. At least he wasn't that stupid. Having adults mess in your business was totally lame. Just gave people more material to make fun of you for.

He levels her with a grin, "This might surprise you, Ellie. But I was actually a bit of a nerd in high school." As if to illustrate the point, he pushes his glasses further up his nose.

Ellie snickers behind a hand. "Was?" She tries.

"Don't give me that! It's cool now! Now I make money off of being a nerd." He chuckles. Then sobers up slightly and then puts on a softer more hesitant smile. "Not to mention, I lost my mom too. And I'm not saying I understand what you're going through at all, but what I do know is those two things in general kinda tend to suck all the fun out of homework."

Ellie's grin drops. There it was, the taboo topic again. The guy couldn't take a hint, could he? She tightens her grip on her crossed arms and looks to the door, wondering if she should just make a break for it.

But, because she can't help herself, she asks (in an embarrassingly smaller voice), "…You did too?" She draws her eyes back to her teacher's face, keeping a set jaw so he at least knows she isn't fully appreciative of the topic change.

Mr. Parker maintains the same smile as he replies. "Yup, when I was a kid. It sucks, but it could have gone way worse. Luckily I had people around who cared about me and supported me."

Ellie's desire to point out how he just said "sucks butt" slowly fades as his other words settle on her. Her jaw locks further as she feels herself level a glare at the floor. As much as she really didn't want to think about the general suckiness or discuss the possibilities of what "much worse" could look like right now, that last part was something she could stomach at the moment. That at least she understood. She manages a nod back at P-Bone and a mumbled "I get it," which he meets with a slightly relieved look.

Ellies gradually increasing discomfort must make itself visible, because, to her relief, Parker suddenly breaks the tension by kicking back in his rolling chair and lazily crossing his arms. "Ok, I'm not gonna hold you here forever. I know it's super lame to have a cheesy discussion like this with your teacher, but I'm just letting you know that if you need any support, for anything, you can just ask. Okay?" He pointedly raises his brows for a confirmation.

Ellie snorts in amusement, but suddenly her throat feels tight. There may or may not be some wetness forming at the corners of her eyes but to Mr. P's credit he pretends not to notice as she rubs her sleeve all over her face quickly.

"Pfffff, okay MOOOM." She says an exasperated manner, dropping her arms and rolling her eyes to the ceiling in a true display of sass. She then quickly shoots him with a smirk and eyebrow wiggle.

P-Man cringes slightly, as if he's wondering if it's too soon for a joke of that nature. But ELLIE decided when she gets to make mom jokes! Take that, Petey! After a moment of hesitance, however, he can't help breaking into a smirk at her humor.

He puts on some horrible high voice and replies. "Glad we got that settled, sweetie! Now I think you deserve some fresh-baked cookies."

Ellie blanches at that, then puts her hands on her hips and levels him with a disappointed stare. "THAT was your best mom impression? I know you don't have much experience but it's still a bit misogynistic, dontcha think P-Bone?"

He raises an eyebrow and looks a little offended. "My aunt always made cookies." He trails off in a quieter voice.

Ellie blows a raspberry at him. "She's such a stereotype." She says rudely to get a reaction, unable to stop her grin. Mr. P seems to buy it at first, probably having some kinda ethical dilemma, then registers she's joking and smiles. "Whatever, Ellie!" He says sassily as he rolls his eyes. "Just do your homework."

She waves very sweetly as she leaves, knowing she's lying through her teeth. And says in a too-cheery voice, "Sure thing, Boss! I'll bring my A-game tomorrow! You'll see!" She flexes an arm to show off her determination, then turns on her heel to leave.

"Great!" He says cheerfully with a grin, and Ellie starts to head out the door.

"But, I'll still need to be setting up a parent-teacher meeting with your dad."

Ex-squeeze me? Ellie quickly pushes back from the door-frame and turns at lightning speed to give him a disbelieving look. "What!!!! Seriously????"

Mr. P shrugs and unconvincingly moves to look over some papers in an unbothered manner. "Sorry bub, them's the breaks."

"Ugh, you little snitch!" She crosses her arms and rolls her eyes.

Pee Boy turns from his fake reading to level Ellie with a stern look. "This is serious, Ellie. I was being gentle before but you're doing BAD." He stresses, "…Except for in Spanish class, A's across the board." He gives her a knowing smile. She gives an innocent grin and shrug, acting like she doesn't know what he's talking about. It's totally not like she could already speak Spanish and could do all that class work in her sleep…

Mr. Parker switches back to his signature stern teacher-y look as he continues. "But I'm not kidding. You could repeat a grade."

"Fineeee whatever P-bone." Ellie grumbles grumpily. She chooses the leg of his desk as the outlet for her annoyance, kicking it repeatedly. This was so lame. She didn't know why they had to bring Dad in just because of some sub-par grades. He was already on her case about her recent Papa's Freezeria grind in lieu of doing homework. She told him it was a strategic brain break to simultaneously relax and strengthen her mind before studying (even though he hasn't once seen her studying), but after this he SO wouldn't buy that excuse.

Ellie shoots him a nasty look, so he knows she's not happy about it, and he meets her with his unflinching teacher look. They have a stare-down for a few moments, before PP suddenly drops the act and brightens up, gesturing towards her. "I like the hair today, by the way! Super cute!"

Ellie also immediately drops the look and instead grins as she fluffs her hair glamorously. Today she was rocking space-buns with a few braids and beads mixed in, totally stylish. "Right? My dad did it. Dinner is served peeps." She strikes a pose like the snack full course meal she is.

Deciding she's feeling in a generous mood, she looks for something to repay the compliment with. "I like your, um…" Unfortunately, as previously stated, her teacher is just dressed in the stereotypical science teacher attire. Nothing too special. Jeans, a button-down, some punny t-shirt under said button-down. Ha, dork. Oh, but-

"What's with the bracelet? You gay?" Ellie points to the pink, purple and blue bracelet hanging around his wrist, slightly obscured by his sleeves. Huh, didn't know he was like that. Kinda makes sense.

Mr. Parker's eyes widen slightly at that, startled by her admittedly crass question. "Huh???" He asks, then lifts the wrists she's pointing at to his gaze. "Oh, uh- They're bi colors actually. I mean, Twilight Sparkle- Anyway, Ellie, I was hoping to set up a meeting for this Friday at some point. Is there a time he gets off work?"

Ellie shakes her head. "Nope, he's just bummin' it out currently."

"Uhh, cool! Then let's say he can just drop by after class. Do you wanna tell your dad yourself or should I call him?"

"Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh- I'll tell himmmmmmmm." Ellie groans with her whole body, throwing her shoulders back and slouching so far she almost touches the floor. If she was going to suffer she might as well go all in. Throw her in a pit of fire ants, too, while you're at it.

Mr. P gives a pleased smile, fully unaffected by her theatrics real and genuine distress. "Great! Glad we got that settled, get along then!" He motions her out the door.

Totally rude, was he ushering her out like an animal? "Whatever, Pee-Head." She sniffs bitterly and mumbles under her breath as she scuffs her sneaker on the floor, dragging her feet to the door. Upon reaching the door frame, she looks back to throw up a peace sign and stick her tongue out at him, and he returns both gestures.

Then, suddenly, his phone goes off and he scrambles to look for it. "Crap, I uh, gotta get this. I'll see you tomorrow, ok?" Before Ellie can react the man has already grabbed up his satchel bag and a few papers (some of them just fall on the floor) and pushes his way out into the hall.

"Hey Janet!" He yells into another classroom as he makes his way toward the exit. "Can you tell Alana I had to leave early? We were supposed to meet, but I got uh, a thing!" A faint confirmation sounds and he starts to move away, then backtracks quickly. "Oh also tell her I got that meeting with Ellie Camacho's dad set up! And we broke three more beakers today in 3rd period, so- Gonna need a new order soon. Thanks!" He then runs down the hall and instead of leaving through the exit, pushes into a bathroom.

Ellie rolls her eyes. What a weirdo. She shuts of the light and closes the door to the classroom for her irresponsible teacher, then makes her way out of school. The halls are nearly empty now that everyone's emptied out as quickly as possible, at least she missed the stampede.

The weather outside is nice, and it feels great to finally be in the open after being trapped in that hell hole all day. But this bliss is quickly ruined by the memory that she'd have to tell dad she was in trouble when she got home. Dumb teachers and dumb school system.

…Maybe she should pick up some flour on the way home. Mainly to suck up to him but also cuz his apple pie was bomb. She could just tell him AFTER he made it.

Chapter Text

"Look here!!! And… Fetch!" Deadpool throws another piece of popcorn next to the squirrel snacking nearby. It shoves the remainder of its last piece into its cheek and moves to nibble at the new one.  "Good, now bring it back!" Wade urges supportively.

[I'm pretty sure squirrels can't be trained the same way as dogs, Wade.]

"They said the same thing about wolves, White." Deadpool replies sagely.

{Shun the non-believer! Shunnn!} Yellow supplies helpfully.

The squirrel turns toward the sound of Wade's voice and he perks up. "Here boy, here!" He calls, and it looks at him curiously, before taking the smallest step in his direction. Wade gasps. It was working! By Jove, it was working!

"There you are!" A voice calls from above, closely followed by the tap of feet hitting the top of the swingset that Deadpool is hanging upside-down from. This startles the squirrel, and it quickly runs back to the tree it came from.

"Agh! I was so close!" Wade throws his hands up (down?) into the air in exasperation, accidentally letting go of his small-child-sized bag of popcorn in the process. Before it can hit the ground, a web shoots out and pulls it up into the hands of the one and only masked menace, who quickly pushes his mask to his nose and shoves a massive handful into his mouth.

"Spidey!" Wade exclaims excitedly, finally processing the appearance of the hero. He flexes his hands up towards him in the universal "uppies!" gesture. Spidey shovels another handful into his mouth before wiping his buttery hand on his leg and grabbing one of Wade's hands to pull him into an upright position.

"Taming squirrels?" Spider-Man asks through a muffled mouthful, chunks of popcorn falling out of his mouth. What a beautiful being. "Tried that before, they're stubborn little dudes."

Wade throws a handful into his own mouth (this time without bothering to hide the lower part of his face, how glorious was that?) before throwing an arm over Spidey's shoulders and leaning into him hopelessly. "Right? I tried so hard, Webs. Why don't they like me, can't they sense my Disney princess aura? I tried singing to them and everything."

Webs snorts and shrugs his shoulders slightly. "I really hate to be the one to tell you this, 'Pool, but that's probably what's scaring them off."

Deadpool gasps and leans away from the man, giving him an affronted look. "How dare you! I sing from the heart! It's like a chorus of a hundred baby angels with scarred vocal chords." Spidey snorts at this again, and in the face of making his spider laugh he forgets his indignation and instead swings his legs excitedly over the bar. "That's ok, though! You can do the singing for me! Wanna help?"

Spidey moves Wade's arm from his shoulders and pulls his legs up into a squat. "As much as I'd love to serenade some squirrels with you, I called you up earlier than usual for a reason, remember?"

"And it wasn't to hang?" Wade asks rhetorically with his lower lip stuck out in disappointment.

Spidey laughs. "Depends on what you count as 'hanging out', but we're gonna be late. Let's go!" He motions Wade to get up.

Wade gives a big grin and once again holds his hands up in the "uppies" gesture. "Seriously?" Spidey asks skeptically as he pulls himself to his feet to balance effortlessly on the swing-set bar putting a judgemental hand on his hip.

Wade give his best pouty face. "What if I need to save my energy for a big fight? You have enough macho spidey-muscles for thirty men, you won't even notice I'm there. Swing me!" He switches to his best sweet smile and continues to flex his fingers.

"I don't think you could ever run out of energy." Spidey mumbles skeptically as he moves his head off to the side. Then he tilts his head in the very recognizable rolling his eyes kinda way (very obvious now with how much he does it, little sass) and smirks. "Fine. Hold this." He shoves the giant popcorn bag into one of Wade's  hands before lifting that same arm and swinging him up to grab onto his shoulders in a piggyback position. Wade spends a second being surprised at how he just lifted his fully-grown ass in the air so easily, before bursting into giggles and bringing his legs up to wrap around Spidey's waist. "See? I told you! You're so strong, Spidey-kins!" He moves his free hand to squeeze at one of Spidey's biceps, which the spider slaps away immediately.

"Hands off the merchandise- and no moving this time or I'll web you up!" He warns in his stern voice, which unfortunate for him just does the opposite of sedate Wade.

"Oooh, kinky!" Wade says with a wiggle of his hips and eyebrows. Spider-Man narrows his lenses and punches him in the arm, then moves to pry Deadpool off of him.

Wade quickly moves to cling tighter onto the spider's back. "I'm kidding, I'm kidding!" He giggles, "I'll be good, promise!" He lies.

Spider-Man takes his hand back and rolls his eyes again, "Behave!" He warns again, and with that he leaps off of the swing-set and the two of them go soaring off into the air.

To Wade's credit, he does try really hard for the first couple minutes to stay still, but it's near impossible not to be giddy when you're flying through the air on a literal superhero. A really strong one too! Heart eyes!

At least this time Spidey lands on his feet, albeit with a bit of stumbling. He also pretty quickly lets Wade fall off of him onto his back. Probably an accident!

Spidey groans as he turns his squinted lenses back on Deadpool. "Why did I think that would go better than the first time?"

Wade picks himself to his feet and raises his arms into the air victoriously. "Hey, we stuck the landing this time! And… Not to place blame anywhere, but you're the one that broke your promise to never carry me again, Mr. Dishonest!" He points an disapproving finger in Spidey's face.

This causes Spidey to start up in disbelief as he points a finger right back in Deadpool's face. "Dishonest? YOU'RE the one that promised to be sti-" He pauses to take a long look at him, possibly registering in that moment that Wade was messing with him. Wade giving a big cocky grin in return, and Spidey shakes his head defeatedly. "Nevermind, gimme that ya dummy." He says as he snatches the bag of popcorn from Wade's hands and walks over to sit at the edge of the roof.

Wade takes that moment to look around at where they are. They're outside at some sort of plaza. Red, white, and blue balloons and decorations are scattered around, and Wade is pretty sure he can smell finger-foods in the air.

"What's going on here? A party?? I love parties!" He says excitedly as he skips up to stand next to Spidey, still taking in the sights.

"Mayoral campaign rally." Spider-Man says simply, and points toward a wall which Wade follows with his eyes to see a big poster of none other than J. Jonah Jameson and his big, bushy mustache. His shoulders drop in disappointment.

He turns to Spidey in disbelief. "You're helping out Jameson? The guy whose whole job is to crap-talk you at the Daily Bugle? Isn't he like, your biggest hater?"

Spidey shrugs as he opens back up the bag of popcorn. "That was a while ago, we're cool now. Plus, he's more into podcasting lately. And YouTube videos, but that guy could stand to learn how to properly use a camera. I'm honestly more surprised that you even read the newspaper."

Wade sits down next to his spider and nudges his shoulder with his own. "I mostly just looked at it for the visuals." He says with a wink.

Spidey turns his squinted lenses onto him before pulling his mask up to his nose again to reveal a grimace. "I'm not sure I wanna know what that means." He says, before shoving another handful of popcorn into his mouth.

"Let's just say a certain camera-man totally knew how to get all your good angles." Wade pushes with a big grin.

Spider-Man shoves him away and raises an eyebrow. "Yea, I definitely don't wanna know what that means." He says dismissively, and Deadpool shrugs before leaning back on his hands and shoving some popcorn into his own mouth. "So what, are we just standing by as guard dogs right now?"

Spidey shrugs and, to his credit, actually swallows his food this time before saying, "I guess. You might find this shocking, but Jonah actually happens to have some super-enemies. Last time he had a public event the Rhino quite literally broke it up, AND ate all the appetizers. I was caught up with work at the time and didn't realize till I got like, thirty angry voice messages from him and saw it on the news after. Totally hilarious! Kinda bummed I wasn't there to see it all happen." He chuckles at the memory and Wade appreciates this special moment of him being a jackass to someone else.

He grins, now excited at the prospect of some drama. "Does that mean we're just here for the show? Or are you guys all buddy-buddy now or something?"

Spidey snorts a laugh at this. "Unfortunately, I still have a duty to protect and serve if things get dicey. And eh, I guess? Jonah kinda thinks we're partners now. He's deluded of course, but, it's an upgrade from him raging about how much of a menace I am all the time. …Kind of. I do wish he'd stop trying to boss me around all the time."

At that moment Spidey perks up slightly and turns back to the scene in front of them. "Oh, it's starting." He says, and Wade turns to see the bushy-stached man step out onto the stage and wave to the little weirdos seated all around him.

"Bla bla bla something something, taxes taxes, bla bla bla." Jonah says. Or not, who cares. American politics were a bummer, not like Wade could even vote. He very quickly moves from pretending to pay attention to pulling a paint marker out of his pocket and drawing caricatures on the roof next to him. They were pretty good if he said so himself! One was of Jonah where 75% of his body was mustache and eyebrows, and another was of him and Spidey flying on the Froot Loops toucan.

{Toucan Sam, you mean!}

Yea! Toucan Sam, but with a unicorn horn and gorgeous hair. Wade adds a few more stars and planets (yes they're in outer space!) and proudly smiles at his drawing. He quickly turns to Spidey to show it off.

To his surprise, Spidey looks just as bored as him, slouched over with his head in his hand as he looks ahead. Weren't nerds supposed to like this stuff?

"Hey, when are the monsters gonna come?" Wade asks loudly, leaning into his spider-pal's space. He presses his head next to his and follows his field of vision, squinting his eyes as he searches for evil little critters or malicious looking peeps.

"I dunno." Spidey groans, and slumps over fully to put his head in his legs. "But I hope they hurry up." He looks to Wade and throws his bag of popcorn behind them on the roof. "I feel dirty eating this popcorn for something so boring. Let's save it for the entertainment and try out those hors d'oeuvres instead." He starts to get to his feet.

Wade grins and starts to do the same, invigorated by the prospect of actual entertainment. "I like the way you think, little spider!" He proclaims.

Spidey smirks, then tilts his head to look behind Wade's shoulder. "Is that us?" He asks, moving to stand in front of the drawings and squint down at them. "And Jonah?" A chuckle escapes him, and he pulls out his little Spidey-Cell to snap a pic.

{OMG he likes our drawings!}

Wade is practically bursting with pride at that, he does his best to hold in his excited squirming and act nonchalant. Finally, his drawings were getting the recognition they deserved. And from Spider-Man himself was obviously the ultimate recognition. Heh, take that, Van Gogh.

Spidey then raises the phone to his face to look at his photo as he leans off the building and free falls, catching himself on the wall at the last second before strolling over to the food. Wade quickly follows after him, instead just dropping straight down onto the concrete. "Ow!" He says, and picks himself up to limp over to the table with Spidey. "Oooh! Are those little donuts!?"

Spidey and Wade help themselves to sampling everything on the table, some things more than once. In the meantime, Deadpool keeps an eye out for any trouble. How long were these thingies supposed to be, anyway?

{I'm so itching for excitement, I'm wanting us to start some for ourself.}

"Should we start a protest?" Deadpool mutters to himself, weighing the idea as he bites into another mini éclair. Maybe this was something he needed Spidey-advice for. He turns to pitch his idea to his 8-legged (you never know, he could have 6 more really tiny hidden legs) friend, only to find him gone.

"Huh? Where'd Lassie run off to?" Wade asks, dropping the rest of his éclair and putting his hands around his eyes to form some fake binoculars as he scopes out the location of the rogue spider.

[There!]

Deadpool finds Spidey a little ways off, talking to some girl with a camera. "There he goes, making friends again. Are we really not enough for him?" Wade pouts with a shake of his head, then immediately brightens up and trots off toward his partner.

[Hold on a sec.] White advises, stopping Wade in his tracks. He tilts his head in confusion at his invisible commentator, but obeys nonetheless, now close enough to listen in on their conversation.

"-You know, saving the world. Babysitting old mustachioed men who used to hate my guts. It's all in a day's work." Spidey says, then gives a humble shrug while also contrasting that movement by puffing out his chest.

The girl scoffs. "Don't you mostly deal with purse-snatchers and saving cats from trees?"

"Hey, I've fought a lot of evil world-dominating robots in my time, ya'know!" Spidey retorts and moves his hand to his chest in mock defense, eliciting a disbelieving chuckle from the girl.

[Guys, I might be wrong, but I think this is a really bad attempt at flirting.]

{You're kidding right??? Why would he flirt with someone when our beautiful self is literally RIGHT HERE!}

"Hey, laugh all you want, but it's true! Serious!" He flexes his arms. "Once took an entire robo-army out with these bad boys." He lands an overly sloppy kiss on a bicep then twitches an eyebrow.

[Yea, definitely bad flirting.]

"But, you are right in that I do a lot of purse and cat returning." Spidey finally gives in with a shrug. "What can I say? I'm a man of the people!" He gives a cocky grin, and the photographer laughs at that. "Oh really? You know, you're starting to sound like someone else I know." She teases, pointedly gesturing to the mustachioed man on stage.

{Why does she keep laughing? STOP LOOKING AT HIM.}

Wade can't watch this dumpster fire anymore. He takes it on himself to break things up, bounding forward to grab the hero's arm. "Hey Spidey! I think I saw something totally suspicious over there, you gotta see this!" He pulls the confused man away with him.

"Huh? Where?" Spidey asks, moving his head all over to look for the threat.

When they've made it a safe distance, Deadpool drops an arm around Spidey's shoulders and shield his mouth with a hand as he hisses into the man's ear. "I'm sorry man, but I had to get you out of there. You were totally bombing."

Spidey's lenses widen and he quickly turns to look back at the girl. "Huh? What do you mean, man? I was killin' it! She was totally into me."

Deadpool shakes his head sadly. "Aw, Spidey, looks like you aren't able to tell when girls like you. How old are you again? Thirty something? It's ok, anyone can be a late bloomer. Maybe I can give you lessons sometime."

Spider-Man pushes away from Wade and gives him an affronted glare. "You? Seriously? You'd just 'teach' me to make pervy comments until they ran away or I got arrested! No way am I taking advice from you!" He crosses his arms and levels him with a challenging stare.

"Ex-SQUEEZE me, sir? I happen to be a modern-day Eros, you just wouldn't know what god-given talent looked like if it punched you in the balls!" Wade sasses back, topping it off with an ethereal pose and a hand to the face.

Spidey peers around his hand with squinted lenses. "That's not how the saying goes, 'Pool. And I think you're delusional."

"I think you're right, my friend, but I don't know how that relates to this conversation. And I'd like to see you put your money where your mouth is!"

"What are you implying?" Spidey crosses his arms.

"A duel, gent!" Wade takes the glove off of one of his hands and tosses it to the ground in challenge. "Whoever scores the most tail (and by that I mean cellular digits) at the end of this boring yap-fest, wins!"

"What are we, misogynistic frat-boys?" Spidey scoffs and rolls his eyes into the air. But after a beat of silence, he picks the glove off of the ground and shoves it into Deadpool's hand, grabbing it in a shake. His lenses squint up in determination and Wade can see a smirk through the mask. "Deal."

At this, Wade starts jumping up and down. "Weeee this is gonna be so fun!" He says, shaking violently on Spidey's hand, but Spidey quickly stops him by squeezing with both of his hands. "Hang on, though. You don't have a wife, do you? I know you have a kid. I'm not gonna bro-cover you if you're cheating, even if it's just for a game."

Wade stops jumping and tilts his head curiously at the hero. Did he really think he was an animal like that?

[On second thought, maybe that's a fair assumption.]

"Nah, kiddo's mom died and even before then we weren't hitched or anything."

Spidey removes both of his hands from Wade's and steps back with a wince. "Crap, sorry."

Wade brushes it off "Yea well, I feel shit for the kid but that's all besides the point. Marriage-wise I'm definitely not shackled." He quips, miming his hands being chained together before he breaks free of the imaginary restraints.

"Right…"

"What about you?"

"Oh well same. I used to be married but we're actually just friends now."

Oooh, new lore drop! This sets Wade's juicy gossip meter off, and he can't help prying. "Is this some Hallmark situation where you're pining for your ex-wife and need a Christmas miracle to rekindle your long-snuffed flame?"

Spidey's mask twists in confusion. "Do they make movies like that? And no, I love her a lot but we realized it was way more of a friendship kinda love, mutually. So. Also, I celebrate Chanukah."

Wade nods to himself, stroking a finger on his chin thoughtfully. "Boring. But better for our challenge."

{and us!! He's free!}

[Can you stop hitting on him for ten seconds? You realize we're essentially having a hetero-off right now, right?]

{Not necessarily! Maybe he's bi, or pan. And will realize how hot and handsome we are through all this that we'll be the one getting HIS number!!}

[We already have his number, dummy.]

{Wait you're right! Things are working ahead of schedule!}

Wade smacks his head to stop the voices from prattling on. "Guys, shut up. That's a later concern, for now we've got a challenge to win!" He snaps his glove back on determinedly and sets his fists on his hips as he surveys their surroundings. Spider-Man gives him a bit of a weird look, but shrugs it off and says, "You've got a challenge, sure. Though, a little off about that second part." And with that he gives a cheeky peace sign and saunters off. Wade follows him with squinted eyes, little bastard.

[Where would be a good place to start? I know you're set on winning, but did you forget that we might be a little intimidating or perhaps unliked by the general public?]

"Maybe we should start with someone who doesn't know who we are…" Wade muses, surveying the crowd for anyone who might be out-of-touch with the current news and/or villians of today. He starts to walk through the crowd, ignoring the concerned looks of various citizens. Then, something catches his attention.

"OMG I love your purse!" Wade gushes, pointing out the bag of the girl next to him excitedly. He tilts his head to take in the entire outfit with his fingertips to his mouth thoughtfully. "Although I'm not sure if the flats were the best choice, I would try a cool-toned color next time!"

[Seriously? Did you already forget the challenge?]

The girl seems surprised by his excitement, but gives a hesitant smile as she says, "I think you're right… I  wasn't super sure if they matched."

Deadpool opens his mouth to offer some more sage fashion advice, before he feels a presence sidle up next to him, soon followed by a hand pushing his face away. "What my stupid friend here meant is you have a unique fashion taste! I personally like the pop of color."

Deadpool pushes Spidey's hand down from his space and gives him a skeptical look. Was he serious right now? Why was he deluding this poor woman? Did he-

Ohhhh!! So he was encroaching on his territory, huh? Well two could play that game!

[Your territory? Well there no way that's not misogynistic.]

{Gonna have to agree with White here.}

You're right. Sorry to all the women of the world.

Wade then remembers he's supposed to be flirting and clears his throat, attempting to put on a deeper voice than his usually scratchy and high one. "I mean uh, yea baby. Totally H.A.W.T. hawt. Hey, do you like guys with muscles?" He flexes a big beefy arm and HEH, Spidey's eyes grow a bit wide at that. Take that Mr. Sleeper-Build!

"I can bench-press a car!" Spider-Man cuts in quickly. "Or even a bus! Just, without people in it."

This takes Wade by surprise. "Wait, are you serious?" He asks earnestly. He knew the hero was strong, but not THAT strong! "Can you show me sometime??"

Spidey grins and shrugs, bobbing his head slightly.

That was totally an affirmative. Deadpool gasps in delight at this, pressing his hands to his cheeks. OMG would he really get to see Spidey benchpress a bus??? That was gonna be SO COOL!

[Ahem. Earth to Starry Eyes. Did you just let the enemy play you?]

{He can play ME anytime <3}

Oh right! The girl! Deadpool turns his attention back to the woman they were absolutely captivating, only to find that she's gone.

"Huh? Where'd she go?" Spidey asks, looking from side to side in shared confusion.

Deadpool rubs his chin and hums musingly, before giving a shrug and patting him on the shoulder. "Probably got intimidated. I would be, too, if two extremely handsome heroes came up to me and showed me their muscles."

"I guess…" Spidey muses uncertainly, then looks up and tilts his head to the crowd. "Who next?" He asks. Guess that meant they were two-manning it from now on. Using that terminology loosely, of course.

The two men spend time scaring off absolutely enchanting several civilians, but somehow not a single number is attained. That is, until Wade finally gets the digits of a nice old woman he charmed. She even wrote it down on a piece of paper and everything. As they walk away from that conversation, he holds up his paper victoriously. "Guess who's in the leaaaad~!" He sings into Spidey's ear, waving the paper in his face tauntingly.

Spides gives him a sidelong glance and pushes his face away. "That doesn't count!" He admonishes. "You didn't flirt her up or anything, you guys just talked about exchanging crochet patterns!"

"Excuse you, mister! You're just jealous 'cuz Gladys and I are very happy together! Harumph!" Deadpool turns away and crosses his arms haughtily.

"Yea, right." Spidey grumbles with an audible eye-roll. What a sore loser!

At that moment, Wade's attention is drawn back to Jonah's boring-ass speech or whatever as he moves to open the floor to questions. A young man with a notepad tucked under his shoulder and his phone held up to record (might as well pop a "press" fedora on his head) pulls up to the mic. "Hello sir, I'm Frank Jackson with the Daily Globe, I had a concern with your campaign that I'd like to address, if I may."

Jonah pastes on a big benevolent grin and chuckles. "Ah, the Daily Globe, my old sister company. Of course, young man, I strive to be open and address all concerns brought forth by the public, it's a big part of my policy!"

Wade takes in a deep inhale through his nose, leaning over to whisper to Spidey. "Ahhh, the smell of bullshit, what a beautiful aroma." This earns a chuckle of agreement.

The reporter continues, "Great. Then if your values are so strong, can you tell me why you seem to have hired the very person you devoted so much of your time to slandering. Who, by the way, has spent this entire event going around harassing people with a known criminal?"

At that, Wade feels Spidey stiffen beside him. They both slowly turn their heads toward each other and share a look. This is followed by a large amount of heads turning in their direction, causing the two men shrink in on each other slightly.

Wade can audibly hear Jonah gulp for a second in the few beats of awkward silence, before he starts. "Oh, uh. THAT. Yes, well you see. I think this all due to a big miscommunication." Although he's notably doing his best to keep the pep in his voice, Deadpool can hear it come through gritted teeth as the man turns his own silently burning eyes on the two masked menaces. "Actually, I think this is a good time to take five, people! We'll be right back in a moment." Before leaving the stage he loudly clears his throat and gives Spidey a pointed gesture to the stage divider behind him. Spidey holds a finger up to himself and Wade can see him quietly mouth the word 'Me?'

"YEA, YOU." Jonah moves back to the mic in a flash and grits the words out angrily, seemingly unable to hold back his smoldering anger any more, before storming off to hide behind his temporary little wall behind the stage.

Spidey looks to Wade and gives a light chuckle. "He made a Pretty in Pink reference and he didn't even know it." He says, and Wade hold his hand out for a high-five in appreciation of the reference. What a man of culture. Spidey slaps it, before begrudgingly pulling himself from his spot, walking forward with his shoulders slumped. "Time to get yelled at." He says, devoid of enthusiasm and life. It's a sad sight to see from New York's best. Deadpool manages to keep his mouth shut in respect of the somber mood and silently follows him to their doom.

They are greeted by an angry J. J. J. pacing the grass to death, before his eyes land on the two of them and he marches up, pointing an accusing finger in Spider-Man's face. A mist of spittle leaves his mouth as he yells, but Spidey has already leaned back to avoid the moisture, seemingly experienced in the matter. "P- Spider-Man! I'm not sure what tomfoolery you miscreants are up to- It's bad enough that you brought a MERCENARY to my rally- but you really couldn't even stay focused on the job I assigned you to? Are you TRYING to sabotage me?"

"'Course not, JJ. It's totally my bad, we'll do better!" Spidey assures with a salute, then tilts his head at the man and rubs a hand on his chin musingly. "Though, speaking of focus, did you do something new with your mustache recently? It looks good. Thicker!"

This pulls JJ from his yelling for the moment, as he instead squints his eyes in thought, absent-mindedly stroking at his stache. "…Thanks, I'm trying a new produ-" Then, in an instant, the fire is back. "What's the big idea, are you sucking up to me right now?"

Spider-Man tilts his head innocently as he weighs these words, and Deadpool then picks up on his aim. He grins, and quickly puts on his own innocent façade as he says. "He's right, it's honestly distracting. I didn't hear a word of your campaign but I'd probably vote for you if I was allowed just because of the delicious 'stache. Definitely something I wouldn't mind sucking up."

A surprised snort of laughter from Spidey sounds at the same time as the shocked voice of Jameson. "You'd suck u- Pardon?" He asks, his voice lilting up at the end in a very amusing way. His face is extra red now and can't seem to decide if it should settle on anger, confusion, or embarrassment.

Spidey seems to try to say something, but instead a quick gasp comes out and Wade looks to see him doubled over in what appears to be a fit of mostly-silent laughter.

Wade takes this as his cue to press on. He brings a hand up to play with JJ's tie, and says. "Hey, Jonah. You have a phone, right? Do you think I could get your number? You know, for the campaign. I have a few questions of my own  to ask, I just think I'd understand better if you answered them in private." He purrs the last part, fully grabbing onto his tie as he leans in with the largest shit-eating grin he can muster.

A loud wheezing laugh sounds next to them, which somehow widens his grin, and Jameson sputters for a few moments before he finally manages to get out. "Are you-"

He then slaps Wade's hand away and growls out with a fully-red face. "I've had enough of you boys, you just can't take anything seriously! If you're gonna be like this then just get out!"

Spidey manages to pull himself from his laughter enough to hold a hand up to Jameson. "Hang on, Jonah. We've got this, I-"

"OUT!" JJ reaffirms with the heat of a thousand suns. But, before the two of them can even move, a new loud voice sounds from behind the divider and the earth moves slightly under their feet. "I don’t even need to do anything, and you're already bombing, Jameson!" Booms the cocky voice.

Jameson blinks in surprise for a few moments, before he puts his face in his hands and grumbles defeatedly under his breath. "Could this get any worse?" It's actually pretty jarring seeing the man's anger snuffed out so quickly. Wade can't help but feel a bit bad.

In unspoken agreement, the three men silently peek their heads around the side of the stage divider to view the scene.

"I heard that super rude podcast episode you did about me last week! Come out here, Jamie-boy! Lemme thrash you in front of all your little fans and show them who's 'all washed up' now!" A large body (literally) of water stands at the center of the crowd, raising up above all of the onlookers nearby. Some run away, and some just grumble and move aside as if a villain showing up at the rally was just a minor inconvenience. Wade also catches a few reporters excitedly turning their cameras onto him.

"Ugh, not this guy again." Spider-Man grumbles next to Wade, and turns his attention to Jonah. "Y'know, maybe it's not the best idea to publicly diss on supervillians when you're in the middle of a campaign, Jonah."

"People need to know the truth, Spider-Man!" JJ growls back, "So are you gonna help me or not?"

Spidey turns a joking smile on Deadpool, "Guess we're re-hired!" He says, then places a hand on Wade's shoulder. "This guys actually pretty easy to beat, but I'm gonna need to gather a few materials first. Do you think you can get everyone to evacuate and hold him off until then? I'll try and be quick!"

OMG! Was Spidey really trusting him to hold things down on his own? This was like, a once in a lifetime opportunity!

{We're winning guys!! We're winning!}

[Better not mess this up!]

Because he can't help it, Wade squeals and jumps up and down excitedly, then quickly stiffens up and gives a salute. "You got it boss! Seargent Deadpool on duty! Just leave it to me, I'll give the big bully a wet willy of his own, and NOT the fun kind!"

Spidey snorts a laugh before removing his hand from Wade's shoulder and backing up to raise an arm to a nearby building. "Good, 'cause I'm pretty sure that would land you several misdemeanors. Also, pretty sure he already has one of those." He gives a roguish wink, then shoots a web off to pull himself into the air. "I'll be fast!" He shouts back as he swings away. Wade only allows himself a solid ten seconds of swooning time before he determinedly turns back to the issue at hand, barreling out into the open to confront the Moist Mischief-Maker. He raises his hands to his mouth and shouts at the towering mass of moisture.

"Hey big, bad, and briny! Hate to break it to you but the boss assigned me to dole out a little ass-whooping on his behalf while he gets the groceries. We don't gotta be bummers about it, though! Let's keep things light and fun, okay?"

Hydro-Man turns his attention onto Deadpool, moving to lean over him intimidatingly. "Who are you? And where's Jameson? He's the one I have business with here."

"Oh yea, about that! Well, actually, Jonah's currently on vacation in the Bahamas so he can't get to the phone right no-"

"Then face me like a man, ugly!" A voice calls out and Deadpool face-palms as Jameson comes storming out onto the stage, pointing an angry finger at the villain. "From what I can see right now, you're acting like a big baby, throwing a useless tantrum all because I told the truth about your insignificance to the public!"

"I'll show you who's a baby!" Hydro-Man shoots back, raising a big watery knuckle into the air.

Oh shit, this was bad! If he let Spidey's angry little frenemy die right away he would be SO disappointed!

[Am I the only one who finds this a little anticlimactic? What's he gonna accomplish by getting him wet? Give him pneumonia?]

The watery fist absorbs a buttload of the rest of his body until it's nearly as big as a moving van.

[Oh. Yea so that might hurt.]

"What do we do??" Wade asks frantically, looking around for maybe a wet-vac or a really big towel, before he decides to wing it and tosses a grenade into the ginormous fist.

A large spray of water knocks him back a bit and Hydro-Man lets out an enraged yowl. His head twists into Wade's direction, and his watery features form an angry scowl. "You idiot, that pissed me off!" He growls, sucking back up his dispersed droplets to get himself back to size. Wade grabs for another grenade before a voice stops him.

[Maybe you should think about the civilians before you throw any more explosives?]

Oh, right! Those guys! Several shocked or intrigued attendees are still in the area, staring up at the fight. Silly guys. New priority: Evacuate the squishy mortals.

Wade stumbles across the stage to grab the microphone. "Hey uh, I know this is pretty interesting guys, but if you all could just run away now I'd really appreciate it. Daddy's got some 'splodin' to do and Spidey'd be really peeved if I blew off any of your limbs in the process."

To his credit, that statement at least causes a large chunk of the civilians to come to and get out of dodge.

"Ok awesome, 'Preciate it guys!! Hey, while I'm up here, does anyone wanna hear a few jokes I was working on? While you're running away, of cou-" A large tendril of water slaps the mic out of his hand, causing it to crash to the floor and create high-pitched feedback.

Wade winces and covers his ears, then glares up at his attacker. "Okay that was super rude! We can share the stage here, just wait your own turn, buddy!" He sasses, hands on his hips. This earns an even greater pool of water to hit him in the face and encase him completely. Wade attempts to doggy-paddle out, but to no avail, and pretty soon he starts to drown with a gurgly, booming laugh shaking him physically.

Deadpool shoots a grappling hook out to a nearby tree and pulls himself out of the mess. The next ten or so minutes are spent with him throwing explosives, starting small controlled fires in attempt to evaporate the guy, as well as forcefully moving rather persistent reporters out of harm's way. Jameson is also there shouting insults and throwing various objects at the villain which, honestly, does the opposite of help.

[Not sure Spider-Man will appreciate all the property damage we're doing.] White comments as Wade takes a breather to survey the burnt and busted-up landscape around them.

"Well I'm not the one who started it, am I?" Wade sasses back after lifting his mask to cough up a stream of water. Just then he dodges another violent splash of water and reaches for another explosive as a counterattack, only to find nothing there.

"Shit, we're out!!!" He exclaims as he continues to dodge out of harm's way.

{Well what do we do now???}

Hydro-Man seems to take notice of Wade's lack of offense and give a big grin before he moves his attention back to Jameson who is still spouting a steady stream of insults. His eyes widen slightly at the sudden danger and he glares over to Deadpool, yelling, "Hey, what are you-" Wade turns up his palms and shrugs to indicate he's out, and a look of regret crosses Jameson's face. "Oh-"

"I'm so gonna make you eat your words, Jamey-boy." Hydro-Man taunts with a malicious grin as he towers over the man. 

"Crap, crap, crap." Wade hisses to himself. "This hero-ing thing is pretty hard when you can't just shoot them in the kneecaps." He whips his head from side to side for something to use.

"Hey Water-Weight, eat this!" Wade calls as he throws a plate of donuts at him. It's not much damage-wise, of course, but it does at least manage to distract him.

Hydro-Man turns and stands there blankly for a moment as he watched the plate float down his body, before he spits it out of his stomach and tilts a brow at Deadpool. "Did you seriously think that would do anything?" He taunts in amusement.

Wade responds by continuing to throw food from the table at the man, eventually hitting him with a punch bowl. "Wait-" Deadpool freezes for a moment as he thinks about his actions.

Hydro-man booms a laugh. "Thanks for the refreshment, dumbass!" He mocks, and finally moves to swipe out at Wade with another large tendril of water.

"And thanks for waiting for me, Water-Boy!" Another voice calls from behind him. "I was afraid the party'd be over before I could bring the dessert!" Wade looks up past Hydro-Man to see the heroic image of his returning savior perched at the edge of a building, a large web-pouch looped around his back.

"Spidey!!" Wade exclaims excitedly.

Hydro-Man turns back to look up at the bug with a pleased expression. "Nice of you to show your face again arachno-boy, I was starting to think you were rethinking your whole 'responsibility' schtick. It's a shame."

"You see, you think that was an insult but I'm actually touched you remembered a spider is an arachnid. Most people just call me bug-boy." Spidey responds chipper-ly. He then opens up his egg-sack [Gross.] to reveal several large bags of some sort of powdered mix. "Time for a little science experiment, kids!" He proclaims as he tosses one of the bags to Wade, then proceeds to open another and dump it into Hydro-Man's body. Wade quickly follows to do the same until they both empty all of the bags into him.

"You idiot, don't you know that Jello takes forever to harden? I'll wipe you out before then, for now you've just given me more mass." Hydro-Man taunts.

"Ah, ah, ah! But that's where the fun comes in!" Spidey corrects, and pulls out another big package from his web-purse. "The rest of you might want to step back for this, dessert should be ready real soon!" He opens the package and throws it into the dead center of the villain's form. "Ice to eat you!"

A gargling scream erupts from the writhing mess of liquid as he starts to bubble and steam. Spidey dodges another swinging tendril of water and hops across him to stand on the same side as Wade. "Okay I'll admit, I'm not sure about that joke. Don't pity laugh for me now."

"I thought it was clever!" Deadpool pipes in, pulling up for a fist-bump.

"Thanks, DP!" Spidey turns a grin on him and knocks his fist with his own, in that moment getting shot with a large spray of gelatinous liquid. "Oh you're KIDDING me!!! I just washed this suit. Gross, gross!" He attempts to smooth the liquid off of his suit and shakes his limbs violently. Wade appreciatively licks his lips. "Mmm, grape! Good choice!"

"WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?" Jello-Man roars, once again swiping out with liquidy tendrils, but this time the two men successfully dodge.

Spidey shrugs and grabs Wade and Jonah both to swing them up to the top of a building as the villain below them groans and struggles. Wade can already see parts of him that have started to firm up. "Hit you with dry ice, man. Didn't you get that from the joke? It's a pretty interesting material to play around with, just make sure you wear gloves when handling it. It's really cold!"

"You… You… You jackass!" Jello-Man finally manages to bite out and he slaps out one last time at the three of them, only managing to create a spray of partially firmed Jello globs.

"Ugh, seriously!" Spidey complains again, slapping the gooey chunks off of himself. "Gross!"

Wade peers over the edge to see the villain's angry thrashing dying down. The combined Jello mix and extreme cold seem to have slowed him down, and pretty soon he's collapsed into a heap on the ground, parts of him solid, parts of him gelatinous and bubbling, with a heavy stream of fog filling up the air around them.

Wade whoops and pumps a fist in the air. "That was actually a pretty cool rally, Jonah! Broke out the fog machine and everything!" He eagerly observes the giant pile of Jello and continues, "I don't know about you, but this is like a dream come true for me." He turns to look at the deeply uncomfortable Spidey. "I've always wanted to swim in and eat a giant Jello pool!" Wade moves to jump off the ledge into the mess of Jello below, only to be stopped by a hand grabbing the back of his katana straps. "Yea, I wouldn't do that if I were you. He may be motionless for now but he's still a sentient criminal, you know."

Wade pouts up at Spidey, not sure how that's even relevant, but obeys.

Spidey turns to Jonah as he awkwardly rubs the back of his head and turns his head to the sky. "Uh, sorry about that I guess, Jonah. We probably could have done a better job of staying on top of things."

Jameson harumphs and glares between the two of them, but ultimately gives a shrug. "You're right, that was a mess. Luckily, I assumed something like this would happen so I hired a secret videographer that should have gotten some great shots of me standing up to Hydro-Man. Those will look great in my next campaign videos."

Wade lets out a slow whistle at that. Say what you want about the man, but you really had to admire his hustle.

"Uh, well that's good. I guess." Spidey shrugs, then grabs Jameson to lift him down to the ground again, Wade following after them.

"I guess we'll leave you to it then, JJ. Do ya mind calling the police? I'm sure my phone is fried after getting hit with that Jello mess." He ends in a grumble.

"Sure thing, Spider-Man. But don't think I'm letting you off the hook just because I was smart about anticipating you messing things up! I'll be expecting you to cover my next event as well, this time while remaining on top of things in the shadows." He says sternly, pointing a finger into Spider-Man's chest.

"Yea, yea." Spidey says, raising his hands complacently and rolling his eyes. "Whatever you say, JJ. We'll be getting out of your hair, then." He looks to Wade and gestures his head backward to indicate him to follow.

Wade cheerfully trots along after his spider, but takes a moment to turn back and shoot Jonah a wink. "I really did like your mustache!" He assures, pointing to his own upper lip, then blows a kiss to the once again angrily embarrassed looking man and grapples off after Spidey.

The two heroes head off into the distance, until Spidey stops them at a secluded spot at the edge of the lakefront. "Ugh, I can't believe I let him slime me like that. Totally gross, I think it even got up my nose!" Spidey complains, taking off his gloves and rubbing his hands together violently in the water.

Wade turns back to the city with a hand on his hip, shrugging his shoulders. "Could be worse, you could've chosen the apricot mix or something." He sucks the leftover Jello from his mask in satisfaction, then quickly turns back to Spidey, an idea brewing in his head. "Hey, what if we filled up a fountain with Jello mix and-" But instead of being greeted by his familiar red and webbed Spidey mask, Wade meets the confused gaze of a sopping wet HUMAN face with brown eyes and brown hair.

"WOAH!" Wade immediately gasps out and covers his eyes with his hands, turning sharply on his heel to face back in the opposite direction. "Spidey!" He gets out in a high and strangled voice. "You're indecent!"

A splashing noise sounds behind him along with a muttered, "Oh, shit." Then Spidey lets out an uncertain chuckle, "Totally forgot, man. Got too into getting this Jello crap off of me, it's like a sensory nightmare. Not sure how you aren't more grossed out right now."

Wade nods his head repeatedly in understanding as he carefully presses his palms into his eyes until he can see white. Maybe if he tries hard enough he can erase what he just saw from his brain.

[Pretty sure it's too late for that, you would need to damage your brain instead if you want to forget anything.]

"I'm not going to give myself brain damage in front of him," Wade mumbles back, "That is so not classy."

"Wade?" Spidey calls uncertainly, and Deadpool stiffens slightly, managing to muster up a small nod and a, "My bad, Spidey-kins, I'm trying to erase that little mistake from my brain right now. Just be a sec!"

Spider-Man sighs, and Wade can hear him getting to his feet. "It's fine man, you can turn around." He can practically hear the eyeroll.

Wade hesitantly turns around, giving Spidey a moment to take it back or make himself decent, before he carefully spreads his fingers to peek at him with one eye. Spider-Man still stands there with his face uncovered, arms crossed with a slanted eyebrow. Wade startles again, but Spidey simply chuckles at him as he actually VISIBLY rolls his eyes as he continues to wring water out of his mask. "Sure, whatever, I got a secret identity and whatnot. Thanks for respecting that. But it's not like you're gonna be able to pick me out in New York, anyway. I'm an average-looking Joe."

"Beg to differ." Deadpool rushes out automatically, because he can't help it. Seeing Spidey's face in its full glory, not just the bottom half, is actively causing Wade's brain to short-circuit.

"What?" Spidey looks up from his mask to tilt his head in confusion as he shakes it out.

"Nothing." Wade replies, strangled.

Sure, he had the brown hair, brown eyes combo, but that was the most average thing about him. His hair was slimy and matted from the mask, but somehow still stupidly gorgeous and with a bit of body to it.

[Poor dude's probably killing his curls with the mask.]

{If Ellie ever becomes a superhero, let's get her a suit that lets her hair fly free}

[Yea, that's never happening.]

Not to mention dat bone structure which was TOTAL masculine hotness, his dimples (which he's already seen before, but it was worth repeating), the slightly crooked nose from probably being broken too many times, and the eyes filled with a youthful mirth contrasted by his droopy eyelids and deep circles underneath. There was no way he was getting enough sleep. Wade was special in that he could stay awake for days on end doing whatever he felt like and his super-cells would just create more energy for him, but after getting Ellie he figured out pretty fast that most people needed the full 8 hours a night or they'd at the very least get cranky.

{He's so hawt, I hope he accidentally removes his shirt next.}

[I don't, this is totally unfair right after OUR face reveal.]

To the relief of Wade's malfunctioning brain, and his own displeasure, Spidey moves to put his mask back on over his head, pulling it partially over his face. "Listen, I'm gonna head home and shower quick, do you wanna meet up to continue patrol afterwards? Maybe in like an hour?"

As much as Wade would like to continue crime-busting with his spindly-legged bosom-pal, he doesn't like the idea of Spidey coming back after an already long day of work and continuing it into the night. It fills him with an uneasy feeling. Even with the mask between them now, those dark circles and droopy eyes still stare back at him. Before he can consider what he's offering, Wade speaks up. "Why don't you get some rest, Spidey-cakes? I can handle patrol for tonight."

This causes the lenses of Spidey's mask to widen. "Are you sure?" He asks, voice high with surprise.

Deadpool nods in confirmation, then right after it dawns on him that maybe that wasn't his smartest offer. Just because Spidey trusted him with stalling Wet 'n' Wild didn't mean he would trust him to hold down the fort for the rest of the night. It's not like he even did that good of a job on his own in the first place. He quickly opens his mouth to take it back.

But Wade's shame is quickly dissipated when a big grin appears on Spidey's face, and he can't help wishing he could see it show on the rest of his face. "That'd be great!" Spidey exclaims. "I could really use the extra time. Thanks, DP!"

Deadpool's mouth stays open and he blinks blankly at the confirmation, but then a giddy feeling of pride washes over him. Spidey trusted him! Like, actually trusted him for real! Even after he totally bombed (pun intended) the fight earlier. Deadpool was no stranger to how protective Spider-Man was of his city, so this feels like the highest honor.

He grins back, cheeks hurting. "'Course, Spidey. I may be an endless supply of energy, but you need your beauty sleep."

A joking smirk takes hold of Spides' face. "You callin' me ugly, man? Not cool." He bites out, but DP can tell he doesn't mean it. He smirks back at him.

{Little does he know he's a FINE PIECE O MEAT.}

[Please have some decency right now, this is a big moment for us.]

Spidey pulls on his mask fully and starts to moves away. "Thanks again, dude! If you run into trouble just text me, ok? Well… Provided that my phone works after this." He shoots a web out to a nearby building and looks back over his shoulder. "Oh! And can you help the Mandelas patch up their roof tonight? I totally scuffed it up in a fight with Vulture the other day, promised I'd help out. There'll probably be some free bobotie in it for you. I'll send you the address!"

"I'd love to do your dirty work, Buggykins! I'll make sure to save some'a this bo-bootie for you!" Wade coos after him, making a show of jutting his hip out and shaking his butt.

Spidey just snickers and shakes his head before he throws up a peace sign and swings away.

Deadpool tightens up his straps and gathers himself together before he determinedly goes off to survey the city on his own. It would be more of a drag without Webs around but if he could prove himself capable tonight he's sure it would totally earn points in his book. Also, y'know, self-improvement- yadda, yadda, yadda.

A few minutes later as Deadpool is looking out from the edge of a roof in the signature Spidey-pose, his phone buzzes. A notification pops up from "Buggy-kinz light of my life <333 ^3^" and Wade grins and opens it. Looks like his phone was still working, after all. Spidey sends over the location of the Mandelas' house but instead of an actual address it's just a list of nearby landmarks and a description of the house. What a weirdo. Deadpool chuckles and sends back a bunch of heart and cat emojis, then shoves the phone back into his pouch. Guess he was going on a treasure hunt tonight.

{The treasure? Spidey's love and affection- obvi!!!}

Chapter Text

"Pleaseeee, Mr. P? My mom's gonna kick my ass if she knows I didn't get this done!"

"Sorry Randy, but I already let this project drag on for way too long. Work was supposed to be due last week Friday but we just had our final presentations yesterday, and now that we've reached the weekend again I'm finally calling it. I'll accept your late submission with some points taken off of course, but you won't be able to present."

Randy sighs and puts his head into his hands. "Ok… I get it…" He sighs again and looks up to the ceiling now, studying it as if he can find the answer to all of his pain there. "I just hope she isn't too mad… She just found out that my big brother vapes the other day, and there's only so much disappointment a mother can take before it really gets to her, y'know." Ugh, right. Here we go. Cue the sad background music.

Randy then lowers his head to the floor and shakes it sadly as he scuffs a shoe on the floor. "Not to mention, my partner Carlie was sick so I was supposed to be the responsible one for her and-"

Peter really didn't have the energy for this. The bell had just rung and as far as he was concerned he was off for the weekend. "Randy." He cuts in with an edge of exasperation, pulling the boy out of his mournful soliloquy and into looking at him with hopeful eyes. "First thing Monday. No exceptions." He says with all the sternness he can muster.

Randy brightens up immediately, all distress suddenly gone as if it never existed (which it probably didn't- not to the extent he was playing at, anyway). "Yesss!!! Thanks Li'l Petey! That's why you're my favorite teacher!!!!" He lifts Peter's hand up to give him a high five and runs off without another word.

Peter sighs and leans back in his chair, pushing up his glasses to rub in between his eyes and relieve his continuously growing headache. If he was actually his favorite teacher then he could at least call him by his last name and not some (inaccurate!) assumption of his… you know what size. Kids, amirite?

He was such a pushover of a teacher. These kids really needed more discipline, but he swore they knew just the right way to tug on his heartstrings and/or push on his buttons that he kept on enabling their bad habits.

Just then Peter senses another student walking up to his desk, and he's just about tired enough to immediately dole out another homework extension so he doesn't have to deal with any more dramatics. "Hey, Parker! What'd ya think about me an' Franklin's presentation at the end of class yesterday? Pretty good, right?" He looks over to see Ellie knocking a fist against his desk and giving a big grin.

Peter instantly relaxes back into his chair, glad he doesn't need to sit through another painful monologue. He smiles back at the girl and nods. "Yea, it pretty was great, Ellie. I liked the props."

Ellie grins even wider and nods back. "Right? I told him they'd liven things up a bit! Did you also notice I've been turning in all my assignments on time recently? In all my classes, even!"

Peter feels a spark of that all-to-rare sense of pride that rises up when he actually succeeds at encouraging someone to care about their education. He had indeed noticed over the past few days that Ellie's assignments had started suddenly showing up. He was hopeful that between now and their talk, something had changed for the better in her if she was now putting in this effort. Between schooling both kids and criminals, that was his greatest goal with his work. "I noticed, Ellie! I'm glad to see you showing some real initiative!" He tells his student with a genuine smile.

"Awesome! So remember that when you meet with my dad in a bit!"

Uh. Okay so it was honestly his bad for expecting a middle schooler to genuinely care about schoolwork.

"If you could also mix in how video games can be an excellent way to stimulate your mind before studying, I would really appreciate it!" Ellie adds with an innocent smile, then slaps a friendly hand on Peter's shoulder as she heads off to the door. "Thanks, Teach!" She calls with a wave as she exits.

Peter makes sure the last kid is out of the classroom before he places his head on his desk tiredly and scruffs up the hair on the back of his head.

Righty-o. One more work-related task and then he was free to take a few hours to wind down before patrol. Or maybe he'd suit up and stop by the Whittigans' house to help Marco with his studying. He knew the kid was struggling with his exams coming up soon. That was… Actually just even more teaching, but Marco at least had a little zest for learning so it would be a refresher compared to his regular work-day. Not to mention Mr. Whittigan whipped up some mean pastries whenever Spider-Man came over to help out.

Yea. One more work-related task and then he could move onto his recreational teaching.

Peter pulls his head off of his desk and inhales a big breath through his nose, before pulling open his desk-drawer and fishing out one of his canned coffees. Before opening it, he stares at his wobbly reflection on the lid for a moment, noting the faint shake in his hands from the after-effects of his caffeine buzz.

Maybe he needed to re-evaluate his work-life balance again. That always tended to be a problem for him. It took years before Peter realized that constantly working himself to the bone until he entered a horrible burnout state wasn't actually the most effective way to live. Since then he'd at least gotten somewhat better at taking breaks when he needed, he even made himself properly treat Saturdays as a no-work day, instead devoting it to spending time with friends and family. Which, at this point was pretty dang small, especially after May's passing, but he greatly appreciated his circle even if it was a little one.

That never meant his work-life balance was great of course, anything caffeinated was still his favorite liquid, and for a reason. Lately though, he was admittedly slipping even further from the title of 'responsible adult'. And, honestly, a part of that was due to Deadpool.

He'd grown to like having Wade around on patrols. And that was kind-of part of the problem, because it meant he was less willing to call it a night earlier since he felt a duty to train the wannabe-hero.

…Also because he was having fun, ok? There, he said it.

Not to mention, getting to know new people, like, beyond the simply 'Hi, hello, oh you need me to save you from destruction? Ok!' totally drained his energy more than most other tasks, no matter how well he clicked with said person. It's like his brain had to work overtime analyzing and planning every motion and it just tended to be exhausting. That's why he rarely ever went on patrols with others, apart from the occasional team-up with Johnny and Miles. But that was fine because he knew them well enough, so it was effortless. At least with Wade it was starting to feel more effortless.

Well. For the most part. It turned out that since what happened last night he was sort of agonizing over seeing him again.

He couldn't believe he totally did a whole Spidey face reveal on accident. The sleep deprivation must really be getting to him if he made such a colossal slip-up like that. At least it was just Wade and not like, some crazy Spidey-hater or something. Still, he felt totally awkward because of it. How could he not? His secret identity had become such a big part of, well, his identity, and he'd just let it loose without any thought or warning. As someone who was supposedly meant to be teaching Deadpool about responsibility and accountability and whatever else, that was setting a pretty shoddy example.

Whatever, no use thinking about that right now.

Peter cracks open his coffee and takes a long chug, before inhaling a deep breath and turning himself around to face the whiteboard. He pretends he can see himself in its reflection, even though it's more of a garbled outline, and frames his face with his hands, motioning them forward in a focusing motion. "Get your head in the game, Parker! Then tomorrow you can sleep in till lunch!"

"Do you have a mental breakdown every time the room empties out?" Questions a voice to his left, and the only thing that keeps Peter from revealing himself by jumping onto the ceiling in surprise is that his stickiness also fritzes up, keeping him stuck to his chair. Mmm, malfunctioning powers, yet another sign of sleep deprivation.

He turns slightly in his chair to face his visitor, clenching his jaw in attempt to keep his heart from exiting through his mouth. "Ellie, you're back? Normally these things are supposed to be just between a teacher and a parent." Ellie simply responds with a smile and a shrug.

Another scratchy voice pops up on Peter's opposite side. "Oh, was I not supposed to bring her? My B Mr. T! It's just we were gonna go to the arcade after this and make some kids cry by beating them into dust- at games that is- so I figured we should just come together but if you want we can-"

"No, no it's fine!" Peter cuts him off. Man that guy could fit a lot of words into one breath. He turns in his chair to greet Ellie's dad. "It actually might be better with her here. There are some thi-"

…

Holy Shatner.

To Peter's left Ellie's dad towers in the doorway, making the middle school classroom feel more like it's part of a preschool in contrast to his bulking form filling the doorframe. He wears an old baseball cap with some dancing hot dog on it, a way too small Trolls t-shirt (likely because they didn't make them in adult men's size… who'da thunk), and a red and black hoodie.

But that's not the kicker! It just so happens that his skin is scarred all over in a way that is very similar to the glimpse he caught the other day on none other than Wade Winston Wilson.

Peter's brain stalls for, who knows how long, as he attempts to process the sight in front of him. From the looks of it, he's not the only one processing things. The man's face is in what Peter assumes is a similar state of shock to his own, but though minute he can make out the clear progression from confusion, to recognition, to… not sure, honestly. Something akin to awe? Wonder?

Fudge. Shoot. Dang. Every other school-appropriate substitute for the words Peter actually felt like saying right now.

'It's not like you're gonna be able to pick me out in New York' my BALLS. Peter wants to punch the past him in the face for the stupid comment. He was basically asking the universe to take his words and throw them back at him. Had he learned nothing from all the awful foreshadowing he'd seen in every piece of media ever?

"Uh. Hellooo?" A voice breaks Peter out of his trance and he sees a similar jolt of awareness in the man in front of him. Ellie leans in between the two of them in attempt to get their attention, giving a skeptical look. "Did you guys just both have a seizure or something? We're s'posed to be talking about me, here. Remember?"

That's right. Ellie. They were here for Ellie. The daughter of Wade Wilson. Deadpool.

…Did he mention he was tired?

"Uh… Right." Peter's throat feels dry suddenly, so he swallows before continuing. "I'm glad you could make it Mister… Camacho?"

Wade (???) jolts suddenly as if he completely forgot the two men were in the same room and he could be perceived. He then does the very out-of-character action of crouching in on himself and quite literally twiddling his thumbs in a nervous manner. "Wilson…" He corrects, and uncertainly looks to the empty space in front of Peter's desk, before shuffling over timidly and continuing. "Ellie has her mom's last name." His appearance is reminiscent of a child being scolded, gaze flitting around to any place that wasn't Peter's face.

Totally weird.

"Right." Is all Peter can muster in the moment.

Well. That kinda got rid of any uncertainty, didn't it?

Peter can feel his heart once again try to jump make a running leap up his throat but he carefully swallows it down. Over the years his whole secret identity thing had become less of a horrifying secret. After all, now he didn't have an aunt to protect. Or a wife. And most of his close friends were actually superheroes themselves so, y'know, that made him a bit less paranoid about some villain harming them to get under his skin or whatever. Still, the circle of people who knew who Spider-Man actually was still significantly small, and he hadn't had to agonize in quite a while about adding to that circle. Not to mention he really wasn't in any rush to ruin his Spidey street-cred by revealing that he was actually just a total nerd.

Peter can feel the start of sweat forming on his brow, but he quickly runs a sleeve over his forehead and attempts to make himself look as casual as possible. Now was no time to be freaking out. He was at work. With a student. And a parent. What should it matter if that parent happened to be a coworker from his other job?

Not to mention Wade was starting to look more and more nervous the longer he let the silence draw on. He'd taken to fidgeting with his hoodie strings and rhythmically pivoting his feet together on the ground, all while sporting an anxious crease to his brow. Peter could almost laugh. Well if he was worried about his identity being taken advantage of, at least Wade was the perfect picture of harmless right now. Crazy work for a man with a criminal record longer than Santa's list.

Peter adjusts his tie then leans forward to set his hands on his desk, attempting to catch the gaze of the man in front of him. Wade uncertainly meets his gaze, and Peter's body screams at him to look anywhere else but he stays strong. "Right," Peter repeats, then offers a hand out to the man, "Well, Mr. Wilson, Ellie probably already told you, but I'm Mr. Parker. I'm glad you could make it."

Wade looks startled by the appearance of his hand held in the air. He gives Peter an inquisitive look for further permission, and in response Peter quirks an encouraging smile. All of a sudden, Wade's shy demeanor melts away, overtaken by eyes full of sparkling awe.

He grabs onto Peter's hand and offers a simple, "'Course," uncharacteristically lacking in words. This and the previous out-of-character actions almost make Peter second-guess himself. Maybe this wasn't his Wilson. But he couldn't kid himself like that. They matched up on way too many things, from the raspy voice, strong but gentle grip, scarred skin, down to the childlike taste in cartoons he was displaying proudly on his chest.

The feeling of Wade's textured and calloused skin on his only reaffirms the original thought Peter had when he first glimpsed the ex-merc's face. That being a simple and wondrous, 'cool'. I mean, considering even a simple eyebrow scar practically illustrated someone's kickass character, that made Wade seem like a total badass. Not that he planned on admitting these thoughts to the man. God knows he wouldn't let that ego-boost go.

Peter's momentary admiration is quickly taken over, however, by the discomfort of the situation. The two men had shaken hands multiple times before, but this felt like something totally new, and Peter feels like crawling out of his skin because of it. That and his hand being really sweaty now is why he pulls it away probably too quickly by social norm standards.

Wade looks a little confused down at the empty space where his hand just was, but Peter just plows on, plastering on an unaffected grin and drying off his sweaty hand as he messes up the hair at the back of his head.

"Anyway, I wanted to bring you here to discuss Ellie's grades." Once again he leans forward, hands clasped on his desk as he levels a serious look. "I'm not sure if she told you yet or not, but she's been doing a little less than satisfactory at finishing her schoolwork since transferring here." His voice upticks at the 'little' and he and Ellie share a quick glance that contradict that phrasing.

"Uh huh…" Mr. Wilson affirms, nodding blankly. Whatever sparked his look of awe from before still hasn't lost its effects, and his big, sparkly, blue eyes are still unnervingly glued to Peter's face.

Peter rubs under his nose and averts his eyes to the wall beside him in an attempt to casually avoid his gaze, but he can just feel his eyes following the movement and poring over the rest of his face which is somehow worse. He swallows again and continues. "Well, long story short, your kid's pretty close to repeating a grade unless we take action."

"Uh huh." Mr. Wilson repeats. That was quite the reaction (or lack thereof) for hearing his kid was in deep academic distress. Was he even listening? Peter shoots him a skeptical look, only to be met with those wide eyes piercing into him again, and he immediately regrets his actions. Was it possible to be assaulted through intense eye-contact? Maybe that was the real reason Wade donned the mask, he only pulled out his blue-eyed stare for the killing move.

Peter can sense Ellie casually lean against his desk, knocking it with a fist as she says, a friendly grin on her voice, "Hey, Parker, remember what we talked about at the end of class today? About my recent improvements."

"Uh. Sure, Ellie." Peter says, but her words are lost on him as he lowers his eyes from Wade's only to be met with the stretched face of Queen Poppy staring back at him instead. Poor girl was fighting for her life against the wide muscles of his chest. What'd he buy, like a size 10-12 in girls?

"In order to prevent this, I have a couple of suggestions. The first of which is to enroll Ellie in a couple of classes we'll be hosting over the summer break. That'll give her a chance to re-take a failed class, or even take another Spanish class or some other elective so she has a free spot next semester to catch up on anything not offered over the summer. We can wait a little longer to determine what classes she will actually need to retake before signing up for that."

The only notable confirmation Peter gets to any of his words is the sound of a mournful groan and a head dropping onto the desk next to him. Peter then quickly realizes that the entire time he was talking he was quite literally staring down the chest in front of him and promptly moves his gaze back to Wade's, adjusting his glasses in a twitchy motion and hoping to God he didn't notice. If a mistake like this sent him to HR, he would never live it down in his mind. At the very least, it seems like his luck isn't being the worst it could be today, as Wade doesn't show any sign of awareness. His eyes are still transfixed, and Peter's not even certain there's a single thought kicking behind them.

"So, in other words, summer school." He feels the need to reiterate, slowly.

"Summer school…" Wade echoes, and Peter confirms this with a pointed nod, raising his brows expectantly. This is also punctuated by another louder and more garbled groan from Ellie.

"Summer… Wait, what were we talking about?" FINALLY Wade seems to snap out of whatever trance he was in, his face now being primarily taken over by confusion.

Peter sighs to himself, tired, but relieved that he finally seemed to be getting words through his skull. "We were talking about summer school, and how we should consider placing your daughter into it after exams so she doesn't need to repeat a grade."

Wade nods slowly at that as he processes the words, his brown now knit together in concern, before he turns wide and shocked eyes onto his daughter and exclaims. "ELLIE! You're doing bad in school??!!!!"

Ellie leans back against Peter's desk and puffs a sigh as she rolls her eyes. "Looks like I'm not the only one who doesn’t listen in class." She says with a cocky grin.

Wade immediately snorts a laugh at that, but instantly covers it up with a stern voice. "Now's not the time for jokes, young lady!! What about all those times I've seen you preparing to study???" His previously distant expression is now filled to the brim with emotions as he drills his daughter, the main ones taking over being shock and dismay.

Ellie looks up at the ceiling and gives an awkward toothy grin. "Uh… didn't work too well?"

Peter thinks back to Ellie's earlier comment about video games stimulating the mind and decides to cut in helpfully. "If you're talking about her playing video games, chances are she was just playing them and not actually planning to do her schoolwork." This elicits Ellie whipping her head around at max speed and glaring at him. "You snake!!!" She hisses.

"Ellie!" Wade barks, quickly drawing her attention back to him, and his sternness is almost immediately replaced by pure unfiltered hurt. Talk about emotional whiplash. "You lied to me?"

Suddenly Ellie's sass is gone and she looks the most nervous Peter's ever seen her, standing stiffly and heavily avoiding his big weepy eyes. "Uh… Well I- Not exact-"

With another hesitant glance at her father's betrayed pout, she gives in with a sigh and droops in on herself, looking at the floor. "Sorry Dad.." She says sullenly.

At this admission, Wade sets his jaw, then determinedly turns to meet Peter's eyes. The man already manages to have intense expressions with the mask, so him showing these emotions without his regular buffer is a bit overpowering. Peter is heavily tempted to pull his cap over his face to block it from view, but at the same time he find himself captivated by the raw, intense emotion. Albeit a bit cornered.

"You said we should put her in summer school. That would prevent her from needing to repeat a grade?" The total 180 is pretty jarring, but Peter is glad they're finally getting somewhere with this discussion.

Peter once again adjusts his glasses and clears his throat in attempt to ground himself. He tries to match Wade's seriousness as he confirms, "It would definitely help against the possibility. Though, as of right now Ellie should definitely focus on turning in any late assignments and getting ready for her exams. The less classes she fails the better… And I'm not gonna lie, things are looking pretty dicey right now." As Peter talks, Wade is nodding affirmatively the entire time with the most serious expression he's seen on him.

"Uh huh, uh huh." Wade confirms, then turns his serious gaze to Ellie. "You know what this means, young lady!"

Ellie freezes, then grins uncertainly. "Ice cream?" She tries.

"No more Papa's Pizzeria for you!"

Suddenly Ellies sass is back as she groans and stomps her foot. "It's Freezeria Dad! And you can't be for real!!!"

"Young lady! I will stand for none of this sass when it turns out you've been lying to me!!!" His voice rises dramatically at the end as he slaps a showy hand over his heart, wiping a fake tear from his eye. Without missing a beat, he turns his serious gaze back to Peter. "Don't worry S- uh. Sir! Mister… Sir! I'll have Ellie wisened up good and soon! Sign us up for your Special School thing." At this confirmation, Peter drops his shoulders in relief.

"Did you seriously already forget my teacher's name..?" Ellie mumbles in disbelief, though Wade pays her no heed as he then scratches his brow uncertainly. "Um.. Unless, was there anything else?"

"Oh, no! That's about it. Here, I have some papers I printed up for you actually, if you want to give 'em a look when you get home…" Peter rifles through the mess on his desk before he finds the papers he clipped together. He straightens out the stack on his desk checks them over to confirm everything is there. "There's some general information on our summer school program, along with a list of Ellie's grades and all her missing assignments. A lot of them are overdue, but she might still be able to get some credit for them if she sweet-talks some of her teachers." Then, with a sigh and a self-admonishing eyeroll, he adds. "It tends to work on me." With that he stands and hands the papers over to Wade with a smile.

Wade almost hungrily grabs onto them and gives an enthusiastic and grateful nod, but before Peter can pull his hands away, his eyes widen as they catch on his wrist.

Peter narrows his eyes in confusion and follows Wade's gaze, only to widen his own eyes and feel heat immediately creep into his face.

Crap, the friendship bracelet, that's right. Peter pulls his own hands back toward him fast enough to get a paper cut and very blatantly fails at attempting to casually hide his hands behind his desk.

Obviously his very suave attempt has no results, as he looks back at Wade in horror to see his eyes wide as orbs and pupils dilated so they're almost entirely black. He can practically see sunbeams and rainbows and 'the magic of friendship' dancing in joyful circles around them. How many embarrassing slip-ups could he have this week?

So… Maybe he felt bad about not wearing it at all, but he really didn't want to wear it when he was in suit, especially 'cuz he didn't want Wade making a big deal like he was right now. Wearing it out-of-costume was how he appeased his guilt. Only that did not have the desired effect, obviously. Parker Luck strikes again. Or maybe this time it was plain and simple Parker Stupidity.

Peter clears his throat and attempts to make his voice as un-scratchy as possible. "Alright, well, glad we got all that covered!" He winces at his horrible attempt before continuing. "I'll be reaching out in the near future to determine which classes we should sign her up for."

Nearing the end of their conversation, Peter considers telling Wade about the bullying issue, but that was something he planned on discussing without Ellie's presence in the room. He supposes he could just bring it up at another time. It should be pretty easy to meet up with Wade in private again, considering… Y'know.

Wade quirks a small smile as he nods in confirmation, redirecting his sparkly gaze to the papers in his hands. Peter diverts his eyes back to Ellie to see her standing sullenly at the corner of her desk, and can't help feeling a bit guilty. He then remembers their 'discussion' earlier and decides he'll do her a little solid.

"Just to be clear, W- Mr. Wilson," Peter starts, turning his attention back onto Wade, who instantly looks back up at him. "Ellie's already been putting in a good effort at trying to get her grades up after I brought the issue up with her the first time! I do still think summer classes will be necessary, but I don't think repeating the grade will be an issue if she keeps this up."

He glances over to Ellie who meets his gaze in surprise, shortly after dropping her shoulders in relief. She gives Peter an awkward smile and mouths a 'thanks'  before Wade turns his eyes onto her and blinks at his kid. She gives him an equally awkward, but wider and more ridiculous grin.

Suddenly a warm smile takes over his face. "Of course my daughter's upping her game…" And then he's all over her in a hug, coddling her. "That's 'cuz my sweet little girl's just the goodest!" He plants kisses on the top of her head and Ellie struggles to get him off. "Gross!" She gets out, but starts to laugh. "Does that mean you're not mad?" She asks through her struggling.

Wade wraps his arms around her tighter to stop the wiggling and rubs his cheek in her hair affectionately. "Mad?? I could never be mad at you, sweetness!" He takes a break to look up at Peter and point to his kid. "You see this? I birthed this thing." He says seriously with a proud smile.

Ellie whoops victoriously once she finally manages elbow him in the gut and slink away from him. "You did not!" She cackles at Wade who is overdramatically doubled over in pain even though Peter would bet $20 he barely even felt it. Physically, at least. "Stop saying weird things!" Ellie scolds.

Wade lifts his head from his knees and gives her a pained look. "Maybe physically I didn't birth you, but emotionally you came from my womb-"

Ellie gives him a gentle smack on the head. "You don't even have one, stupid!" Then loops her dad's arm over her shoulders as she forces him to a standing position, looking to Peter. "We're done here, right?"

"Yep!"

"Great! Let's get outta here, old man." She slinks around to grab onto his other arm and pull him towards the door.

Wade follows along obediently before jolting to a stop in the doorway and looking back over his shoulder at Peter. He opens and closes his mouth a few times, as if considering what to say, before landing on, "Thanks." It's simple, but he says it so earnestly that Peter knows there must be more unsaid behind that.

Unsure of how to respond he just gives a simple smile and nod and responds, "Of course."

Wade smiles slightly, looking pleased with this, and almost makes his way out the door, before he pulls back once more, earning an agitated noise from Ellie. This time he looks a bit more nervous, eyes on the floor. "And, I won't- I won't, um…" He looks up and gestures to Peter, before seemingly losing his nerve and finally heading out the door. "Bye!" He calls.

As the father-daughter duo make their way to the exit, Peter picks up on some last bits of conversation. "Does this mean we can't go to the arcade anymore today?" Ellie pouts uncertainly.

"Of course we're going to the arcade, Pumpkin. And getting ice cream. Papa-bear needs to de-stress." Then, with a finality he says, "But afterward you're doing your homework."

Once he hears the doors to the front entrance click shut, Peter chugs the rest of his coffee in one long swig and collapses onto his desk, letting out a long, drawn-out sigh.

"Ohmigod." He fists his hands into his hair and tugs.

He could really use a nap, around now.

Chapter Text

Chapter Text

"PARKER! IF YOU DON'T STOP RE-WATCHING STAR TREK RERUNS AND GET YOUR LAZY ASS OF THAT COUCH I'LL BE BUSTING YOUR DOOR DOWN!" Shouts a voice, accompanied by the unnerving sound of a shoe kicking the door.

Peter holds the pillow over his ears to try and block out the noise, but he knows he'll have to drag himself off of the couch sooner rather than later to avoid buying a new door (which he can't afford, by the way). He knew his visitor well enough to know it wouldn't be the first time she made due on that promise.

He didn’t even want to think about how she just knew he was watching Star Trek. Unfortunately, the spectacular and exciting Spider-Man really was that predictable.

Peter pauses his show and takes a deep breath, before moving his achey bones off of the couch with a groan. "Okay. Just a quick chat to make the yelling stop and I can get back to the important things." He assures himself, even though he knows in his heart there's no way in hell that'll be the case.

"Okay!" The voice yells again, "You leave me no choice! If I break my heels, I'm sending you the bill!"

That's enough to push Peter into action, he trips over himself in his rush to the door and pulls it open with probably way too much force. Hopefully that didn't mess with his attempt to save his door. He quickly moves it back and forth in concern to make sure the hinges are still working, then plasters on the best fake smile he can manage and leans casually against the door frame. "Hey MJ, what brings you 'round these parts?"

The woman in question is reared back at the end of the hall, crouched like she's ready to pounce at the door. Her heels are actually thrown off to the side, looks like they were too precious to break after all. So it was a bluff, huh?

MJ's surprised expression quickly morphs into her signature gleaming smile as she loops the straps of her heels over a finger and invites herself in. "Heya Tiger!" She says, pushing past Peter, then turns around once inside to give him a look-over. "You look terrible." She says with a grimace, then looks to the junkyard Peter calls home and shakes her head. "And it smells like moldy pizza in here... When's the last time you had some light?"

Without waiting for an answer, MJ trots forward and pushes open the blackout curtains. A precious necessity that Peter splurged on before he even bought a table (which was never, by the way). He all but hisses and pulls his shirt over his eyes to block out the light. Ok so, looked like it was morning.

"I knew I needed to drop by when Johnny and Teresa said you skipped out on movie night! Worry not! Your lady in shining armor is here to save the day!" MJ grins wide strikes an elegant pose as she gestures to herself fancifully.

"Oh my lady, what luck have I found myself with today!" Peter mutters sarcastically in his best medieval urchin voice as he rubs his palms into his eyes hard enough to see spots.

MJ disgustedly kicks a mostly-empty takeout box out of her path as she adds,  "I have to say, though, I was pretty surprised when it turned out you stayed home from work today! You're not actually sick, are you? I thought that didn't really happen with your spidery powers."

Peter blanks for a moment, before suddenly being filled with more (anxious) energy than in the past (few?) days combined. "Wor- Wait! What day is it????"

"Monday, doofus!" MJ rolls her eyes to the ceiling, hands on her hips, and as Peter sets off in a panic, rummaging through his mess of an apartment for his phone, she adds, "Don’t worry though! I told them you were sick. You know, they still think I'm your wife or something? Called me up when you didn't show."

Peter finds his phone nestled between the couch cushions and groans as he's met with the time, 3:28pm Monday. He then processes MJ's words and feels a wave of relief wash over him, knowing that she at least saved his ass with a lie, then gives her a sheepish grin. "Uh, yea… Sorry about that. I'd correct them, but, it kinda keeps Rhonda from flirting with me and Aaliyah from trying to set me up, so."

MJ snorts at that, "Whatever, Mr. Hot Stuff. Can't keep the ladies offa you huh?"

"It takes a special dedication to manage." Peter says with a cocky grin and shrug, then puffs out a sigh as he says, "Crap! I can't believe I was out that long!" He closes his eyes and pinches his nose bridge, scruffing his other hand through his hair soothingly. "I gotta check in with Miles… Finish grading projects and getting things ready for finals…"

Peter feels around blindly on the coffee table for his laptop before pulling it onto his lap and booting it on. First thing's first, he needed to catch up on his emails. He didn't even want to think of how many were waiting for him, Peter can already feel his healthy sense of overwhelming stress creep back into his body. His plan is cut short, however, when MJ smacks him on the back of his head and tosses the laptop to the other side of the couch. Peter quickly moves after it to make sure it's still okay in panic, then levels her with a glare.

"Worry about all that stuff later, for now let's just get you back in the groove. I didn't come all the way here for you to grade papers, y'know. Let's do something fun!"

"Fun?" Peter grimaces as he sorts out MJ's ideas of fun, then gives her a hopeful smile. "Like… Eat pizza and watch Star Trek?"

She smacks him again. She was lucky they hadn't been married in a hot minute, otherwise this might be considered domestic abuse. "You know that’s not what I meant, Tiger. We're gonna get you back into the real world, where there's sounds and lights, and make you remember why you like it. Otherwise I know you'll just resign to working yourself into a coma again."

Peter frowns deeply at the idea, but drops his head in resignation, and starts to get up. "Fine…."

Once again, MJ halts him by grabbing onto his shoulder. "But first, shower! Sorry Petey, I love you I do, but I cannot be seen next to you like… this." She gestures to the whole of him with a disgusted look on her face, and Peter raises a brow at her before looking down at his dirty sweatpants and t-shirt combo. What was wrong with that?

"Sooo shallow, Mary Jane! You really don't think I look pretty?" Peter teases as he very adorably holds out the bottom of his shirt and twirls a lock of hair on his finger.

She responds by kicking him in the direction of the bathroom. "Get a move on, buddy!"

He pouts as he rubs the spot she kicked and glares back at her. "Do I have to put on actual clothes?" He asks morosely.

MJ, being the sparing goddess she was, puffs a sigh and places a hand on her hip. "Never forget how nice I am to you, ok? We'll start gradually. Go put on the comfiest joggers and hoodie you own that DON'T smell like a rotting rat carcass."

"On it!" Peter says excitedly as he heads off toward his bedroom before she can change her mind. He pulls a few things off of the ground until he finds something that passes the sniff test, then heads off to wash up, Mary Jane having already made herself comfortable watching the Bachelor on his TV.

---

For all her intensity and bossiness, MJ was actually a great friend. Peter was expecting to end up at one of the crowded and fancy eateries she liked, but instead he was brought to his favorite restaurant! He felt he was being treated like a true lady! This favorite restaurant just so happened to be a hot dog cart owned by some guy named Bronco. He'd been giving Spider-Man free hot dogs ever since he rescued his rottweiler from a bus. Just one dog for unlimited dogs, what an truly spectacular trade.

This of course meant that if he wanted his freebies, Peter Parker couldn't be the one to show up. He's glad he always takes his mask with him everywhere in case of emergency, despite MJ's protesting in favor of his work-life balance. She wouldn't be able to nitpick him anymore after receiving some of New York's finest (and freest) dogs on the map thanks to his paranoia.

About a block away from the cart, Peter pulls MJ into an alley and shoots another glance out at the sidewalk to make sure the coast is clear. "Alright, stay here for a bit MJ. I'll bring back the goods when I'm outta the Spidey mask." He schemes as he pulls the mask on over his face, then quickly readjusts it when he gets most of his hair in his eyes.

She scoffs and crosses her arms. "There is no way you're still scared of people thinking Spider-Man and Mary Jane are buds. May I remind you that you pal around with like every single civilian in New York when in costume? So how would that put me specifically in danger?" He meets her pointed glare, puzzling that riddle out in his head and trying to think of a good reason.

But before he can think up a response, MJ waves him off. "Not to mention, I can handle myself." She says stubbornly, and starts walking off in the direction of the cart. He slaps his hand against his face, but quickly follows after her even though he doesn't like it. One thing he learned over the years: If Mary Jane decided she was going to do something, then she was going to do it.

The two of them receive a very satisfactory pile of hot dogs with extra toppings without Spider-Man even needing to suck up to the man at all since he happened to bring along a famous supermodel/actress this time. He may have not even needed to mask up in the first place. They then bring their food to the park and settle down on a relatively quiet bench. Peter gives a quick glance to either side before he rips his mask off immediately tears into his food.

MJ snorts at that in amusement. "Not counting your mama bird paranoia around me, you've gotten a little lax on keeping your identity, haven't you Pete?"

Remembering his little mishap from the other day, Peter pulls back from his food and groans around his mouthful, "You're tellin' me!"

Mary Jane's eyes widen at that, and she leans forward for the hot goss. "Don't tell, me you actually got caught?"

He waves it off as he gets back to his food. "It's no biggie, just let it slip to a co-worker the other day." Then he cringes to himself as he remembers Deadpool. He didn't even warn him about his impromptu vacation time, did he? There was yet another person he flaked out on.

But MJ, of course, doesn't let that drop. "A co-worker? Seriously? Who was it? Another teacher? Don't tell me it was that gossip, Rhonda!" Despite her concerned words, she actually looks quite excited at the prospect. What a pal.

Peter shakes his head and lets out a laugh. "Nah, thank God for that. I actually mean my other job."

At this, MJ's brows shoot up and she adjusts in her seat to face toward him fully. "Whaat? Since when do you have a co-worker? Don't you usually work alone?"

"Usually yea, but I recently started patrolling with this one guy, Deadpool. He wanted to like, go through some hero training or something and how could I say no to that? ...He's probably more like an intern, though, if you wanna get the title right."

"Deadpool... You mean the mercenary?" MJ questions.

"You know him?" Peter asks, surprised. He wouldn't have expected MJ to know him by name, especially since he was the superhero here and he had to look the guy up.

"Yea? Everyone knows him. Didn't you used to work for the newspaper?" She rolls her eyes. Okay so, turned out he was more out of touch than he thought.

"He's not a mercenary anymore though. Like, he's trying to be a hero now." Peter adds, feeling the need to defend against his outdated title.

"I get it. You're always trying to get people to turn a new leaf and all that." MJ waves him off, seemingly disinterested in the details, "Still, you're really not worried about it? I mean, even if he is reformed I'd probably still be more concerned about him knowing than Rhonda."

Peter sits back and thinks on that for a moment. He supposes it is strange he isn't more worried about it, especially considering the man's history and the relatively short amount of time they've known each other. Sure it was unexpected and totally awkward, but Peter hadn't really found himself worried that the ex-merc would use that information against him. Maybe it was a special Spidey-Sense thing, or maybe it was because Wade had proven himself in many ways already, but he felt like he could just trust the guy.

"Not really." Is the response he lands on, punctuated with a shrug.

MJ seems to consider that for a moment, finally starting on her food, then copies him in shrugging it off. "Cool. So, what's got you all burnt out then? I thought you were getting better about preventing that."

Peter finishes off his first hot dog and tears into the next, "Y'know, just an accumulation of things. Probably haven't been sleeping as much as I should be-"

"Gross! Knock that off!" MJ laughs and pushes him farther away from her, "Say it don't spray it, Parker!"

Peter pauses his talking to quickly chew and swallow, staring at her in surprise, "Dang, was I? My bad."

"You gotta work on your manners, Peter!" MJ says, laughing and wiping what appears to be stray hot dog off of her pants. "They get worse every time I see you. What would Aunt May say?"

"Hey! You can't bring up my dead aunt to scold me! That's against the rules!" He complains, but is unable to hide the amused grin in his voice.

"She would want me to, she's probably rolling in her grave right now about to crawl back out and give you a lecture. Gotta do my service." MJ holds a hand to her chest in dutifully.

"Whatever." Peter says, rolling his eyes as he takes another bite, chewing and swallowing before he says, "So, how've you been lately?"

MJ lets out a dramatic sigh and leans forwards with her elbows on her knees. "About time you asked!"

She then goes on a long-winded rant about all of the drama and gossip going on at her workplace, filling in the gaps between now and the last time they met up. Peter has to admit that he'd been very much looking forward to catching up on it all.

Three and a half hot dogs and two sodas later (not counting MJ's portion), the two sit in amiable silence as the park starts to fill up with more families now that school and work have let up. Peter shoves the last of his food in his mouth and crumbles all of his wrappers together.

"So, this co-worker of yours…" MJ starts up, breaking the silence. She turns an impish expression on him. "Is he hot?"

Peter's eyebrows shoot up at the question, then he levels her with a disappointed look. "Are you trying to hit on my patrol partner? Shame!"

She cackles and leans back in her seat. "Can't blame a girl for trying. Though I know better now than to mess with another superhero." She says, shooting Peter a wink.

"Yea," He grins, twitching his eyebrows, "Y'could say we're just too much to handle!"

MJ snorts a laugh at that and punches him in the arm. "You wish!"

When her cackling dies down, she also crumbles up her own wrapper and smiles at Peter. "So, whaddya think? Feeling a little better?"

Peter takes a moment to listen to his body. His hibernation probably went on for long enough, and now he's starting to feel some life creep back into his bones thanks to his friend. And of course the pile of food.

"Sure." Is what he settles on, pulling himself to his feet. He then takes a moment to suck some stray relish off his shirt, which MJ cringes at, before saying. "I wouldn't mind stretching my legs a bit more."

"Great!" MJ shoots to her feet excitedly, and thrusts her own trash into his arms. "Let's go!"

Peter balls her trash up with his own and tosses it expertly into the trash can placed a considerable distance away from them. "Kobe! Or- Is it still ok to say that now that he's dead?"

MJ doesn't offer an answer, only shaking her head slightly at his antics and dragging him by the arm along the park path and out onto the sidewalk.

She starts back up talking about her work drama, Peter nodding along eagerly. It's a nice walk until Peter picks up on some commotion down the street. He instantly stiffens up, moving towards an alley so he can change and jump in to help, but MJ stops him. "Relax, Pete. It's your day off, remember? We don't even know what's going on, let's have a look first."

Peter clenches his jaw and readies himself, not favoring the idea, but as they move closer to the commotion, it appears that there isn't any real fight going on. Instead, just a man dressed in a monkey costume tied up and hanging upside-down from a lamppost, as well as about a half dozen monkeys calmly milling about. The man's suit pants are pulled down (up?) to reveal banana-patterned boxers, and he's thrashing wildly as several groups of onlookers stand around him, taking pictures on their phones and laughing at the scene.

"STOP STARING! YOU WON'T BE LAUGHING FOR LONG WHEN MY MONKEY-MINIONS RIP YOU TO SHREDS! SOLDIERS, ATTACK!" He yells over to the monkeys, but they're much too distracted with eating up loads of produce and what also appear to be several different kinds of cheetohs that have been scattered on the ground.

Peter's pretty sure he dealt with this guy before. His costume was just a simple monkey mask and brown sweatpants at the time, but he distinctly remembers a man not too long ago busting through the zoo's outdoor chimpanzee enclosure with a big yellow van and attempting to "rescue" the apes. Not to mention he was throwing a whole lot of banana shaped and scented smoke bombs. Took weeks to get the smell out of his suit. That was a dark period. Peter had an insatiable craving every conceivable banana-flavored dessert every time he went out on patrol.

He then notices a sticky note attached to the man's head. Peter is able to reach up and grab it, eliciting some very enraged yelling and attempts to bite his hand, but he pays that no mind. On it are written the words: 'Local man caught monkeying around (bustin' up produce market)! B careful moving, p sure he has fleas!' Also on the note is a little doodle of a monkey with swirls for eyes and a bunch of bananas with an arrow pointing to its head. Peter chuckles at the note, and the unmistakably familiar doodles. It appeared Miles wasn't the only one holding down his job down for him while he was out, he smiles fondly at the idea. Spider-Manning didn't usually include this kind of backup, so it was a nice change.

"Looks like your apprentice took care of it! What wonders work-delegation do, huh Petey?" MJ says, jabbing at the paper with a finger and giving him a cheeky grin. Peter smiles back at her. He starts to hear the sound of police sirens, so he sticks the note back to the man's forehead and gestures her to walk away with him.

Once they're a decent distance from the arrest going on, MJ nudges him in the side with her elbow. "So, with all your work done for you, what do you wanna do now?"

Peter thinks on that for a moment. When it comes to just, going out for fun, he doesn't really get out all that much. Normally his hangouts with MJ involve him following her around to numerous clothing stores and cafés before being sent home with a healthy fear of blouses and the color green, so he has to use his rare chance at choosing their activities wisely.

"Wanna play some games?" Is what he settles on.

MJ gives him a surprised look. "What, like an arcade? Don't you usually avoid loud noises and flashing lights when you're like this?"

Peter shrugs and offers a smile. "Yea, I'm feeling better now." It was true. Ironically enough, his earlier exhaustion seems to wear off the more they walked. Seems like getting out of the house did help. It was good to have friends.

MJ offers a wide and self-assured grin. "Didn't I say I knew what you needed? You can thank me next time with lunch! Let's get goin' then, Tiger!"

Chapter Text

The defender of evil sits atop his stoop, all senses alert and searching for a disturbance in the atmosphere- Some type of indication that his services were needed. This, of course, should not take long. The streets of New York were not only loaded with urine and a shit-ton of rat droppings, but they were also loaded with EVIL. Lucky for all the innocent little civilians there was a special man out on the job, whose body reeked of strength and charisma and nothing else-

[Oh you've got to be kidding me. There's no way you're talking about yourself right now.]

Wade throws his hand in the air in exasperation. "Seriously White??? Don't interrupt, you totally took me outta the zone! How'd you even know what I was thinking?"

[Because I'm in your head, dumbass. Also, you were talking out loud.]

Yes so, it turned out that was something our hero of justice needed to work on.

[Also it wouldn't be "defender of evil" if you're the crime-fighting vigilante you're pretending to be. You need to work on your dramatic monologuing skills.]

"Potato potato. Judge your own stupid monologuing, stupid." Deadpool grumbles and waves off the voice in his head as he glares back out at the streets below. It turned out that tonight was a bit of a slow night. So far Wade had helped some old lady load her groceries into the car, helped a little bird back into its nest, pilfered a Nerf Vortex Praxis Blaster from the toy store for some needy child in need. Nothing of the fun, beating up and lightly maiming baddies sort, though.

If he wasn't on his best behavior lately, Wade might have already given up on this whole hero-ing thing for the night and gone to do something actually fun. He considers attempting some simple crime himself just so he has something to stop.

[Isn't that what you're doing right now? Vandalism.]

Wade looks down at the large mural he's drawing with paint markers on the roof of an Italian restaurant. It's a tasteful piece of him holding Thor like a princess as he chops Loki's head off with a giant flame sword. It was possibly some of his best work, he even gave the figures fingers in it.

"This doesn't count as vandalism, White. I'm beautifying the city."

[Either way, Spidey wouldn't appreciate it.]

"He doesn't need to know it was us."

[You pretty much autographed it. Who else would draw something like this?]

Before Wade can think up a retort, he catches the flash of a suspicious-looking figure in a neighboring alley. Deadpool had a lot of experience in sussing out shifty people, and that was definitely one of them.

{Did you see that?}

[Duh. We all have the same eyes.]

"Cretins!" Deadpool exclaims in a squealing whisper.

[I do not think that means what you think it means.] White quotes. [Maybe save the five-dollar words if you don't know remember the definition.]

"Miscreants!" Deadpool tries again.

[That's better.]

Like a hunter stalking its prey, the masked vigilante creeps forward without a sound. His focus is directed only on one thing: keeping his streets free of crime and shady miscreants. He moves to the edge of the adjacent roof, peering ove-

[Can we please stop with the bad narration? It's giving me a headache.]

Wade rolls his eyes to the sky and knocks his head. "You don't even have a head! And besides, shut up!"

This sudden outburst alerts the dark figure they're stalking, and they rise up from their crouch, quickly whipping their head around to find the source.

"Oh shit, get ready ladies." Deadpool whispers sharply to his katanas as he starts to withdraw them from their sheathes. "Looks like it's time for us to slice up some justice. Don't say anything, I know that was a bad line."

But as Deadpool does an expert barrel roll off of the roof to land in front of the suspicious lurker, he doesn't have to think too hard about where to shove his swords when he is met with a familiar target. Not that he does shove them there. No-kill streak, y'know?

"Deadpool?" The figure queries, at the same time Deadpool says, "Bullseye!"

Suddenly, the darkness of the alley dissipates as the clouds part and the sun shines down with the light of friendship. The two costumed companions quickly put away their weapons and go in for a bro-hug.

They pull back, hands still clasped together in a shake. "Been a while, man! Lookin' good, you gain weight?" Deadpool asks with a big grin as he gives the man a once-over.

Bullseye meets his grin and slaps another hand over his, giving it another shake before he lets go and puts his hands on his hips. "Good to see ya again, old pal. What's got you hanging around these parts?"

Wade claps his hands together joyously, enjoying the opportunity to boast about his fortune. "Well, I got a good thing going right now, y'see? Been settling down, and now I'm partnered up with the best of the best, keepin' peeps in check and takin' names and all that. Total hottie, too. We definitely have a will-they won't-they thing going on." He puffs his chest out proudly at the same time he gives a nonchalant shrug.

"Wow, that's great to hear, bud!" Bullseye exclaims, then points to himself with a thumb. "I'm sorta solo-ing right now, y'know? Lone-wolfing. Us Alphas gotta stick it to the man now and then. Show 'em they can't hold us down." He clenches a fist up at Wade powerfully.

"Right, I feel that." Wade slaps his shoulder amiably. In other words, Wade would bet his left nut he got fired.

"Hey, by the way, have you been watching those podcasts I've been sending you? Totally inspirational, man. They've really been giving me some perspective on my life-"

Deadpool waves him off before Bullseye can go on one of lame sigma-alpha-ABO-whatever incel rants. "Yea no man, those are shit. Hey, speaking of… What exactly are you up to today?"

Bullseye perks up at that question. "Oh! Well I just got this job, y'know? I was just 'boutta take out this super rich business-dude! Totally easy-peasy, and a lotta money in the bag!" He tells him excitedly.

"Oooh, wowza! That sounds fun! " Wade nods along eagerly. He generally preferred a more challenging job, but something like this was a great breather. He's glad his friend is having good luck with work. "Unfortunately I'll have to ask you NOT to do that. The guy I'm working with is totally anti-murder and junk. I know, TOTAL wet blanket, right? But, y'know, I'm tryna stay in his good books, soooo." He pointedly nods to Bullseye for his understanding.

[Whatever happened to the simple goal of trying to be good?]

'Stop trying to ruin my street cred, White!!' Wade thinks very violently to his head.

Bullseye's mouth tilts down in a frown as he crosses his arms disapprovingly. "Dude, you're right they sound like a total wet blanket."

"HEY!" Deadpool shouts as he whips out two handguns from his holsters and points them at the man in front of him. "Only I can call him a wet blanket!"

Bullseye holds his hands up in front of himself placatingly. "Woah, chill amigo, does this guy really have you under his heel? You shouldn't let anyone step on your vibe like that."

"Absolutely not, I'm a strong independent woman! No unhealthy relationship dynamics here!" He takes a deep, calming breath, then places his arm over Bullseye's shoulders. "Listen, sorry pal, I lost myself a little there. But I still will need you to be backing off the reins and climbing off the horse, so to speak."

Bullseye booms a laugh of pure amusement as he pats the arm over his shoulders good-naturedly, though Deadpool glimpses a hand sliding down his gun holster as he does this. "You know I can't do that, DP."

"Hm… I see." Wade muses, rubbing a pointer finger and thumb along his chin in fake thought, "In that case." Wade quickly  pulls out both swords and readies himself. "No hard feelings, bud! I'll hafta stop you myself, I guess."

At that, Bullseye's grin stretches even wider than at their heartfelt reunion. "That's what I thought." He says, as he draws out a throwing knife and tosses it into Deadpool's chest in an instant. It looked like he wasn't going for the insta-(temporary)-kill, as Wade expected. Likely wanted a bit of a fight beforehand.

Unfortunately for him, Deadpool had other more important things to focus on. He takes the knife out of his heart and flips it back into the other man's shoulder, who hisses in pain.

He gives him an affronted glare as he switches to his other arm, raising a gun up to Deadpool. "What was that for!?" He demands, as he releases several shots into the ex-merc's chest. "Taking out my favorite arm right away!"

Wade jumps out of the way and circles around the man so he can't line up a shot. "Sorry Hunny-Bun! I just figured, maybe if I beat your ass real good, my boo-thang will stop ghosting me!"

Bullseye whips his head around to try and get a look at the ex-merc, who continues moving around erratically, "I thought you guys were almost a thing?"

Wade places his hands onto his hips angrily, "Hey, don't rub it in, Bullseye! Not copacetic, bro!" He then whips out his own gun and shoots around the merc's feet enough to make him dance, even allowing one of them to graze his leg since he's PO'ed.

The two spend some time dancing around each other, trading insults and attacks. All of Bullseye's shots of course make their mark, but the effects don't last long enough to keep Deadpool from moving.

That is, until Bullseye throws a rock at Deadpool's family jewels while he's mid piroutte. Instantly he lands to the ground with a thud and keels over to clutch at his special snack sack. "Oh, mama! Not the pearls!"

Bullseye responds by pointing and laughing at him.

Wade whips his head up at the man with a glare. "Cheap shot, Bull-shite. If you're gonna break the bro-code then I may as well break some other little bros of yours." He makes threatening grabby motions towards him.

Bullseye clutches his no-no square protectively and frowns deeply. "Oh please, you're totally fine."

"It's EMOTIONAL pain!!! Betrayer!!!!" Wade shoots back to his feet with a fist ready to punch him in the boy-bazongas, when another voice interrupts.

"Hey guys! Hate to drop in without an invite!" And Wade turns his head to see none other than Spider-Man dropping down from the roof and kicking Bullsey right in the head, knocking him to the ground.

The Webbed Wonder straightens up and brushes himself off, before looking over to the potentially unconscious man, and giving a sheepish shrug. "Heh, sorry, I think I got a little overzealous there! Haven't kicked anything in a few days." He crouches over to look down at Bullseye as he gently nudges his head up with a foot. "Hey dude, you alive?" He asks, earning a groan in reply.

"SPIDEY!!!" Wade exclaims.

Spidey turns his attention from the immobile mercenary to Deadpool. "Hey Wade! Uh, you don't know this guy, do you? I just figured, well-known villain in a dark alley, sounded like a scuffle- Did I mention I've been really antsy to kick something?"

"No! I don't know him at all! Wow, you're so hot when you're needlessly violent, Spides." Wade is bursting with excitement, clasping his hands over his chest.

Spidey snorts a laugh at that {adorbz} then summons his best nonchalant shrug. "Heh, thanks. What can I say, I'm just a knockout." He turns his back on Wade to jokingly flex his muscles, then mimes another punch to the unconscious merc on the floor with a "pshew!" sound effect.

{Cream.}

You got that right, he was so totally the perfect mix of lame and hot. "Maybe we should upgrade our suit to white pants." Wade mumbles.

Spidey once again gives a light kick to Bullseye's head to draw their attention back to him. "So uh, was he actually doing crime or anything? Should we call the cops?"

"Oh, yea! You should probably give him a spritz of your Spidey-Jizz. He may look outta it now, but he's a crafty one, that one. Was actually about to kill someone. Y'know, mercenary stuff."

"Well we can't have that, can we?" Spidey tuts, then moves his wrist to web up the man in a thick cocoon.

{He didn't correct you when you said "Spidey-Jizz", does that mean we got it right?}

Deadpool snickers to himself at that. Spidey then moves to stick the merc up against a wall in the open, and puts his hands on his hips as he surveys his work, seemingly satisfied. He looks back over his shoulder at Wade and motions his head to the side. "Wanna get outta here?"

"You don't know how many times I imagined you saying that, Spidey!" Wade sings as he skips up to wrap his arms around his pal's shoulders, "Beam me up, Scotty!"

Spidey lets out a chuckle as he pushes him off. "I don't think I wanna know. Also, that's not a real quote. Try and keep up!" With that, he hops up onto the wall and then pushes off into the air, shooting out a web to pull himself down the street.

"It's not?" Deadpool asks in bewilderment as he watched the man leave, before shrugging and turning back to Bullseye. He studies him a moment, then punches him in the balls to earn another delirious groan and runs out onto the street. "Sorry, Bulls-y! You earned that one! See you at poker night next week! If you're out of prison by then!" He calls to his friend as he shoots out his grappling hook and follows after Spidey.

The two move across the city for a while, and occasionally in circles. He must be compensating for his missed days with all the extra embellishments and flips he's doing.

At some point Spidey finally lands to sit at the edge of a roof, legs kicking cheerfully, with Deadpool following much less gracefully after him, jumping across from another roof and meeting the corner with his stomach and an "Oof!"

Once Wade pulls himself into a sitting position next to the Spider-themed hero, Spidey knocks into his shoulder with his own in a friendly manner. "I see you've been keeping up with patrols without me! Other Spider-Man told me you even paired up a couple times."

Wade perks up at the recognition, but suddenly doesn't know how to respond. He was kind of doing this for Spidey, but he feels unprepared for him actually being back and taking notice.

Wade opts to play it cool and tries to sound as nonchalant as possible, "Yea, y'know, just doing my doody and all." He brushes off with a shrug, then gives a sharp salute punctuated with him blowing a raspberry to sound like a fart.

[Real mature.]

Spidey gives a light chuckle as he pulls absentmindedly on his gloves, then tilts his head at him and squints his lenses in a smile. "Well, good work. I appreciate it."

Wade blinks at the praise, then smiles wide as possible under the mask and kicks his feet excitedly. Hehe, Wade did good work.

Spidey gives him a quick nod, then turns to look back out at the city in front of them.

Wade follows him in this action, and the two sit in silence for a bit. Its only after a few moments that Wade realizes the lack of talking feels a little more uncomfortable than amiable, punctuated by Spidey now fidgeting a bit more in his seat.

{Is it just me do things suddenly feel awkward?}

Sure Spidey was back now, and obviously not avoiding Wade at the moment, but did that mean he was in the clear?

[I mean, we did see the guy's face, not to mention his workplace. We may be an ex-merc, but still, can you blame him if he's a little uncomfortable?]

{Stawp!!! He's not uncomfortable, maybe he just ran out of things to say!}

Wade spares a nervous side glance at his spider-companion, who is now slouched forward with tense shoulders and quite literally twiddling his thumbs. Definitely uncomfortable. What was Wade supposed to do in this situation? Should he prove he's not a threat or something?

[There's a chance he just wants to leave right now. Maybe we should give him an out?]

That was a good suggestion. Was there a casual way to leave right now? He could say he needed to make dinner, but he felt weird about breaking their now heavy silence. Maybe he could just leave without saying anything, jump off the building. Yea. That sounded good. Jump off the building…

"I'm sorry Spidey!" Wade bursts out, instead.

This startles Spider-Man into looking back at him with now widened lenses. "Sorry?" He asks in a tone of surprise.

Now that the silence was broken, Wade feels his words pouring out of him without any thought. "I mean, I messed up, right? I promise I didn't know you were… you know. And I woulda chosen not to know if I could have 'cuz I know your secret identity's important to you and stuff. I get it if you don't wanna patrol together anymore." Unfortunately, any desires he had to play it cool fall out the window when he pouts as he says the last part.

Spidey holds up a hand to process the string of thoughts. "Wade, hang on. What?! Uh, how'd that be your fault?" He rubs his head in stress then throws up a hand emphatically, "I mean, it was unexpected but-" He goes silent, processing for a moment, then turns squinted lenses back onto Deadpool. "Wait, you didn't think I was like avoiding you right?"

Oops! If that wasn't a callout, he didn't know what was. Wade can't help the minute way his body stiffens, able to feel sweat make its way to his brow.

Spidey must catch onto this detail, because he drops his head back down to harshly rub his palm against his temple. "Crap…" He mumbles, then straightens up and gestures a bit wildly. "Sorry dude! I was just sick. Well, kind of. I can't really get actually sick because, y'know, spider powers. I'm sure you get it-"

Wade uncomfortably shrinks in on himself a little, and shoots him a confused look.

Spidey sighs, then tacks on. "Like, I don’t know how to explain it. When too much stress builds up or whatever it FEELS like I'm sick- Like, headache, groggy, exhaustion, everything hurts. But I'm not actually sick."

[Well that sounds familiar.]

Wade perks up slightly at the idea that Spidey had such similar periods of exhaustion to him. Not because it was good or anything, but because he never met anyone who'd admitted to the same thing, let alone one of the most admirable heroes out there. It lights a small feeling of companionship in him. "Me too."

"Yea?" Spidey turns his attention back onto Wade and drops his shoulders, losing some of that tension from earlier. "Then yea, it's like that."

"…But you're better now?" Wade checks.

He sighs, then grins through the mask. "Yea, I got like 3 full days of sleep and Star Trek so, pretty good now."

[We definitely called it that he wasn't sleeping much in the first place.]

"Cool!" Wade grins back, then he squirms as he asks, "Um, then would it be so crass if a girl asked a guy why she was left on read?" He twirls an invisible strand of hair (he's bald) and bats his lashes (which he also doesn't have) at Spidey over his shoulder.

Spidey squints his lenses as if puzzling that entire sentence out for a second, before blinking and widening them again. "Oh! Crap yea sorry." Suddenly he looks embarrassed. "You remember the whole, uh… Jello-Man thing?"

"Yea?"

"Well, my phone did work, at first. But uh, I probably shoulda let it dry out a bit more because that night I…" He stops a moment again, scratching at the back of his head and seemingly chewing on his lip under the mask. He then tilts his head up at the sky, biting the bullet, and says. "I plugged it in to charge. Totally fried it in the morning."

Wade can't help the laugh that bursts from him. "Aren't you a tech-whiz?"

"That's why this is very uncomfortable for me to say!" Spidey scolds, but Wade can hear amusement peeking through his voice.

"Anyway, M- Spider-Man #2 has my personal cell, that's how I was able to contact him." Spidey explains, "Oh, I guess I can just give you that number too, now. It'll probably be a bit before I can afford a new patrol phone… You would NOT believe how quick I get through those things. And it's always such a pain. I'll have to re-get everyone's number again 'cuz I always forget to write them down. Anyway, here." He reaches into the back of his pants to pull out a heavily cased android phone, tapping it a few times then handing it over to Wade with a new contact open.

Between the being trusted with Spidey's personal cell and receiving something that was JUST PULLED OUT OF HIS HEINIE, Wade can't hold back the fit of giggles he bursts into.

[Okay I have to say, I've got no idea how he fit that there.]

{Maybe he has super-storage powers like we do with our util bel, but for him it's with his undies. Or just magic undies. Actually, do you think he wears undies in the suit?}

That makes Wade giggle even harder.

[I still refuse to believe that Spider-Man stores things in his underwear.]

{So you're a subscriber to the commando theory?}

[Don't put words in my m-]

"Okay, what are you giggling about NOW?" Spidey interrupts Wade's own personal conversation.

He holds up a finger to Spidey's lips in a shushing motion. "Our little secret!" He says cheekily.

Spidey leans back and tilts a brow in confusion. "How can it be OUR little secret if I don't even know what it is?"

Wade ignores that and turns his attention to filling out the contact info, putting in his number and labeling himself "Lover" with several kissy kitty emojis. "C'mere, Bugboy!" He says, pulling Spidey into a side-hug and pressing his masked lips to his cheek as he snaps a selfie.

"Hey!" Spidey exclaims, but Wade pulls back before he can push him away, and looks at the picture in satisfaction. "Totes adorbs!" He saves the contact and sends himself a text, then tosses the phone to Spidey (or in his general direction), who quickly sticks his fingers onto it before it falls to the ground below. He looks at it for a moment, before snorting a laugh and rolling his eyes under the mask.

He pockets(?) his phone again then holds out a fist to Deadpool. "So, we good?"

Wade looks down to his fist, then smiles up at him and nods. "Pound it!" He sings as he bumps his fist with his own.

Spidey rolls his eyes again at yet another Miraculous reference, but Wade can tell he liked it. The two turn back to the city again and sit in silence again, this time amiable instead of awkward.

[Glad we got that resolved.]

{Mhm!! Especially now that we can think about how hot he is without feeling guilty!}

What a great point! Wade wastes no time in relishing in the long look he got the other day. It was a thing of fantasies, Spidey looked like if nerdy and disheveled mixed with insanely hot to make the ultimate piece of eye candy. The unkempt frizzy hair, the sharp jawline with a smattering of small moles, the slight unnatural bend to a nose that's been broken too many times for even a healing factor to handle, the plaid button up worn over that wonderfully cheesy science-pun tshirt. Everything screamed YOWZA! Without turning his head, Wade glances to the side at his spidery companion and rakes his eyes over his covered face, remembering what's underneath. He wonders if they could get him out of his mask again? Or better yet, his suit.

There is a beat of more comfortable silence, before Wade breaks it with a purr. "So… you wear glasses?" Spidey meets his twitching eyebrows with his lenses narrowed suspiciously.

"...I think it's about time we get back to patrol." He says, after a moment's thought, and jumps off the building.

{Ooooh, playing hard to get, I see!}

[Aren't we trying to befriend him? You guys are gonna make him get a restraining order against us.]

"I can platonically thirst over my friend! He doesn't mind." Wade affirms, not willing to fully restrain himself anymore after such a long weekend of trying to respect boundaries. He takes that moment to admirably look after Spidey from behind as he swings away. Having a face and ass like that at the same time must be a crime. Maybe he should be the one getting webbed up and sent to jail tonight.

{Lucky for him we own a set of handcu-}

[I do not want to hear you continue that sentence.]

Wade pounces off of the building, shooting out the grappling hook, and follows after his partner. The two don't have to move around all that much before Wade catches Spidey coming to a sudden stop and tensing at the edge of a rooftop, then turning off in another direction. After not too long, Wade catches on to the sound of sirens and soon they find themselves looking over a police chase that is headed in their direction.

Spidey analyzes the scene for a brief moment, before turning to Wade. "Okay, I'm going to swing us onto the windshield and you-"

"Up, up, up!" Wade places a finger to Spidey's lips to shush him, "Don't bother yourself with something so simple, sweet cheeks. I got experience now! Watch this."

Spidey tenses as if unsure, but he backs off with a shrug and motions Deadpool to lead the way.

Deadpool creeps along several rooftops, Spidey following closely behind, and watches the driver's movements for a bit. They've just about reached he and Spidey's location, but the streets of New York are crowded and the driver at least seems to be trying to avoid collisions or mowing down any pedestrians on the sidewalk. Wade waits for the right moment, when the car is just about underneath them, rounding the corner of their building, then drops.

Specifically, he drops into the middle of the street and right in front of the runaway car, stopping it pretty suddenly with his body and getting partially rolled over in the process.

Over all of the very loud car crash and siren noises as well as the blood roaring in his ears, Wade can pick out a horrified "Oh my God!" from Spidey.

"OWWWW! OW! OWCHIE MAMA, MY POOR DELICATE BODY!" Wade wails dramatically writhing around as much as he possibly can with his lower half stuck underneath a car. "I SURE HOPE YOU HAVE INSURANCE, BUDDY!"

Spider-Man nears in on him and hisses in a mix of dissaproval and concern, "What the hell, Wade? That wasn't your plan, was it?"

Wade simply clicks his tongue and shoots Spidey a wink and a finger-gun.

Suddenly the driver-side door swings open and soon follows a very sweaty and discombobulated man. "Are you okay?" He slurs as he stumbles around the front of the car. His eyes shoot wide once he sees Wade, and he wipes some blood from his nose.

"Awwww, thanks for checking on me! Seriously!" Wade coos genuinely, then turns a serious look on Spidey. "Bag 'im, Webs."

Spidey, much to Wade's delight, follows his instructions without a peep, seemingly still thrown off by the situation. "Uh, sorry sir." He says as he wraps his arms together with some webbing. "We should probably get you to the police… Get you looked at for a concussion at least, I think I saw an ambulance nearby."

He turns a stern look onto Wade as he starts to lead the man off. "I'll be right back, don't do any more crazy stuff while I'm gone." He instructs.

"Couldn't if I wanted to, Honey-Bun!" Wade sings after him as he disappears from view. He then lifts his mask to cough up some blood and drops his head back, focusing on the feeling of his bones fusing back together.

Spidey takes a little longer than he'd expect, probably giving his client the best care, fixing up his headache or whatever. Wade sighs dreamily as he imagines Spidey tending to his wounds, too. That would be nice. Or at least it would be nice to have this car off of him, right now.

Several officers and randos mill around the car now, and Wade gives them a friendly wave. A couple throw up at the sight, but most ignore him, must be a typical day in New York to them.

Soon enough, Wade hears a hiss come next to him. "Yo, Wade."

Wade cranes his head to see Spidey crouched on the driver's side of the car, peeking his head out to look at him. "Spide-" Wade starts to exclaim, before a gloves hand is shoved over his mouth, and kind of in it since he was mid-exclamation. Salty.

"Be quiet, okay? I'm gonna pull you out and get us out of here, just try not to draw attention."

Wade gives a sharp nod, miming zipping his lips and locking his mouth with a key and sticking a cupcake in his eye, and with that the hand is removed from his mouth and Spidey starts lifting the car up off him.

In case you were wondering, having Spider-Man single-handedly (literally, with one hand) lift a car off of you: Totally hot. Wade can't help the excitedly squeal that starts to build up in his throat before earning a harsh shush. "Can you move?" Spidey asks, now that the car is high enough to allow Wade space to slip out. He tests his muscles, but anything below about the top three of his ribs seems to be too broken to work. He starts to shake his head when another voice cuts in. "Hey! Spider-Man. I need a word, please." And one of the officers starts barreling toward them.

"Crap." In an instant, Spidey uses his sticky powers at the top of Wade's head to slide him out from under the car in a swift movement, then tosses him over his shoulder sack 'o' potatoes style and uses the car as a jumping board to swing away. "Sorry guys!" He calls out quickly. "No time, I got an incapacitated pedestrian here."

The two are followed by some colorful yelling, but it's not audible for long before Spidey swings them both back over to their regular meeting spot above the supermarket. For once he actually places Wade down relatively gently, propping him up against the adjacent wall. He pulls back and starts pacing the roof for a few moments, Deadpool following his movements with a curious head tilt, before he stops, turns on his heel to face his crippled companion, and gestures out emphatically. "'Pool, that was dangerous!"

Wade gives a shrug and grins widely up at the man. "Don't worry bugaboo, almost back to normal, see? Watch this!" He moves his hands to hover over one his legs and focuses immensely like he's performing some sort of magical spell, it takes a few moments before one of his feet give a little wiggle. He holds his arms up in a 'ta-da!' motion.

Spidey watches the whole thing with reserved curiosity, then groans and rubs a hand down his face. He tiredly moves to plop down next to Wade against the wall, knocking his shoulder against his briefly. "I don't just mean for you, ya doof, though there was definitely a better way for you to stop that car than with your entire body. I meant for him."

Oh, the driver. Wade remembers the man's dizziness after getting out of the car and wonders if he actually lucked out on injuries. "Right, I forget how squishy you mortals are." Wade mumbles, feeling a bit of guilt prick up at the realization. He tried his best to follow Spidey's (somewhat silly) 'no killing even dastardly criminals' rule, and he managed pretty well so far, but it was honestly a bit of a learning curve. He didn't really have to worry about not killing people in the past.

Spidey must pick up on his regret, because his posture and tone noticeably soften up. "It's okay. I know you didn't mean to, and you at least waited till he slowed down. Just try not to test the limits of human mortality until you really understand them, okay?"

"Okay." Wade assents, then squirms again, feeling eerily close to an ashamed dog being scolded. "Should I go back and apologize?" He suggests looking up into Spidey's lenses.

Spidey stiffens slightly at that, then turns his head away, looking a little shifty as he says, "No, uh. He's not back there anymore, anyway."

"Pardon?"

It's Spidey's turn to lose some of his edge as he scratches uncertainly on his cheek with a finger. "Uh, well. It turned out I recognized the guy. He's the dad of one of my students, and from what I know they're dead broke. From the looks of it, it was just a simple robbery, enough to get a family of two back on their feet…" He drones off, and Wade can imply the rest. He can now understand why Spidey took so long then attempted to sneak them out. He must have brought the man in to get his injuries checked, then helped him get outta dodge before they could ID him.

Now that he's officially a single dad himself, Wade feels like he can empathize with the man. Attempted hero-streak or not, if his kid was in trouble and needed anything, he'd willingly go back to a life of crime to support her. A little prick of warmth ignites in him, knowing that Spidey must understand that.

"It goes without saying, but you're a good one, Spidey." He meets eyes with the hero and gives him a genuine smile. Spidey looks a little startled at that, like it was an unexpected reaction. As if he should be the one getting scolded or something for letting a criminal go. Wade realizes his mask still must be pulled up to his nose when Spidey looks down to his smile, and pretty quickly he sees the tension leave his shoulders as he relaxes back against the wall.

The two sit in companiable silence for a moment, Wade gradually gaining back more feeling in his lower half, before Spidey pipes in with a, "Hey um, actually I got you something."

Wade turns a confused look on him. "Really?"

"Yea well, I don’t know if you even remember this but uh, like over the weekend my friend MJ dragged me out of my apartment and well-"

"MJ. Is that your ex?" Wade cuts in for clarification.

Spidey gives him a look that says he's surprised Wade remembered that. "Oh uh, yea! Yea. Well, anyway, we went to that arcade you and I went to last time- Turns out that ticket guy, Brent, or… 'Clarence' I guess, is actually a big fan of her work. He gave us a discount and some free snacks and other stuff, it was great. Hot dogs, and- Anyway, we played a few games and- Well the point is, I got you this." With that, Spidey gets to his feet and leaps off the side of the building, then soon climbs back up holding something behind his back. He stops in front of Wade, then reveals the Transformers gauntlet shooting thing that Wade was competing for last time.

He gasps and holds his hands to his cheeks as he exclaims, "THE TRANSFORMERS HAND-GUN!" His hands hover next to the item but he can't bring himself to touch it. "You… But-- I wasn't even close to winning, you should-" He looks up at Spidey and gently pushes it towards him. "You should have it."

Spidey looks off to the side and pushes it back toward him, saying in a semi-sarcastic tone, "Yea well, count it as repayment for covering my ass."

"I would never ask you to cover your ass, Spidey." Wade responds automatically, but he wouldn't deny such a kind request as he ravenously grabs onto the gauntlet, bringing it to his chest, and starts giggling maniacally as he brushes his fingers over it.

"There's still some webbing on it, sorry. I just stuck it behind the dumpster while we were out."

Wade picks off a little strand of webbing, twisting it between his fingers, before he looks up at Spidey with bright eyes. "You know what this means, right?"

"Uh… No?"

Finally, Wade puts the glove on his hand and flexes it in front of him, pleased. "You can deny all you want but it seems like we're pretty close to besties, Spidey."

Spidey sits back down and tilts a brow at Deadpool, asking in a skeptical voice. "What makes you think that?"

"You got me a friendship bracelet!" Wade tells him with a grin, putting it right in front of his face.

Now Spidey sounds embarrassed more than anything as he pushes it out of his vision. "It’s a gauntlet, not even the same thing."

"You looove me." Wade informs him, wiggling closer to nuzzle up in his BFFL's space.

Spidey puts out a hand to hold Wade back in his own bubble. "Wade, just stop talking for a bit."

"That's a hard ask, P-Diddy." He responds cheerily, mustering up one of the many unfortunate nicknames Ellie dropped when referring to her teacher.

"Oh man, that's one of the worst things you've called me. Did Ellie teach you that one?" Spidey rubs at the bridge of his nose. "Just call me Peter, ok?"

There's something very special about being granted explicit permission to call Spider-Man by his actual real name, and Wade feels a wave of excitement wash over him because of it. "Really?" He asks in a high tone.

Spidey attempts to play it off with a shrug, but he can sense a bit of nervousness from him as he says, "Yea, 'scool dude."

Wade grins wide as possible, a feeling of immense pride rising up in him, now that he was being trusted with such sensitive information. "Okay! Petey-poo."

This surprises a laugh out of Spidey. "Poo?! If you're gonna ignore my request and go back to bad nicknames then at least try something less bathroom-y man." He teases.

Wade tauntingly leans in closer with each new nickname. "Petey-poopoo-caca. Peter Pissboy."

Spidey starts laughing and shoves Wade away. "Believe it or not, you just circled back to more of my work nicknames. And they're not even clever, just stupid!"

"You want clever? Pee-ter Pooper. "

"Dumb! Maybe I'll avoid you for real this time!" He threatens, but the words have no bite as he gets them out between laughs.

Wade fakes a shot to the heart. "Oof! Too soon Peter Fartker. That was like a bullet to the fart."

Spidey drops his laughter and instead just groans in misery. "You deserve it. That one physically pained me. What're you, like ten?"

"You're the only ten I see." Wade leans closer, dropping his chin into his hand and batting his (nonexistent) lashes.

"Noone even brought up the state of Tennessee so that line doesn't work."

"Didn't need to, Petey-Pie! I can see it in your eyes 'cuz you're my whooooooole world, baby girl!" He's throws his arms into the air and leans forward to wrap his arms around his boy, gazing deeply into his white lenses.

"Get OFF me man!" Peter complains, pulling his arms off and rolling his eyes, but Wade can hear the amusement in his voice. Girls love funny guys! He was totally killing it right now.

"Oh, that reminds me!" Wade pipes up as he starts digging through his pouches. "I got you something, too!"

"You did?" Spidey leans over curiously and watches him dig the item out, lenses going wide when Wade reveals the lightsaber he stole off of that nerd the other day. "Is that-" Wade turns it on and Spidey gestures emphatically to the saber, backing up slightly to avoid getting sliced. "How did you get your hands on a freaking lightsaber?" His voice lilts up disbelief and badly disguised excitement.

Wade grins and twirls the saber around a few times, Spidey dodging out of the way when it gets too close. "Took it off some evil dweeb the other day. Wanna try it out?"

"Do I- Yes I wanna try out the lightsaber!"

Wade revels in the sass of Spidey's response, as if he's stupid for even questioning if Spidey wanted to get his hands on it. He jumps to his feet readily. "Great!"

Spidey gives him a blank stare, "How long could you do that for?"

Deadpool shrugs, "Just now?" Then gestures Spidey to follow. "Cmon, let's go to the park! Try it out on some squirrels!" He then cuts off the start of Spider-Man's scandalized protest with a, "Kidding!!"

At the park, Wade puts together a makeshift target practice area for his spider. He digs through several trash cans for a sufficient collection of cans and other sliceable trash to balance on a park bench. He even stacks several larger boxes on top of each other and draws a smiley face on the top one to resemble a person. Meanwhile, Spidey stands there clutching at his weapon, looking unsure of what to do with himself.

Once finished, Wade backs up and presents his work in a sweeping gesture to the hero. "There we are, a practice area befitting a king! Go to town, scamp!"

But Spidey doesn't move, just shifting a little uncomfortably.

"What's the matter? Not sure where to start?" He sidles up next to the box-creature he made and wraps an arm around what would probably be its shoulders. "Here, why not start with this guy here? Just pretend he spoke bad about your mama or something."

Spidey kicks a rock on the ground and says uncertainly, "…I'd feel bad. He's smiling."

Wade turns to meet the box-man's face curiously, then pulls back out his paint marker to draw on some angry eyebrows. He steps back again and presents it with a grand gesture. "There, now he's evil!"

Spider-Man shifts uncomfortably again, then finally readies himself and moves to almost gently slice down at the box-dude, leaving a big gash in its middle.

Wade throws his arms up in the air. "Oh come on, what was that?!"

Spidey flinches, then turns a pissy look on him. "What's wrong with what I did?"

"You have to go to town, man! Draw up that ferocity in you!"

"I don't know how!" Spidey shoots back. Wade can tell he's getting agitated now, so he takes a grounding breath and motions Spidey to do the same. The motion at least prompts him to be lightly annoyed instead.

"Just look in yourself, young padawan. Use the force." He instructs sagely, clasping his hands together.

"The force has nothing to do with this." Spidey mumbles grumpily to himself. It's totally adorable.

"It's fine, here just slice this." Wade says as he picks up one of the boxes and tosses it into the air.

Spidey flinches at the box dropping towards him, but at least manages to slice it in half, one of the halves bouncing off of his head.

"Man, your form is awful." Deadpool says in disapproval as he places his hands on his hips.

"I'm not a weapons man, sue me." Spidey snarks back, rubbing his head, though Deadpool heavily suspected it was more an emotional injury than anything.

"Well I am. Here, I have an idea." He says, pulling up behind a confused Spider-Man and holding his arms from behind in proper golf-instructor fashion. "Let my hips guide you." He breathes into Spidey's ear and adjusts his grip on the weapon, giving a cheeky little wiggle of his hips as he does so. This earns him a quick punch to the face as he falls back onto the ground. At least he managed to correct his grip.

Wade jumps back to his feet instantly, unphased. "Hey, since we're simpatico now, does that mean I get to see your Spidey-Cave?"

Spidey gives him a bewildered look at that. "Huh? Are you serious? No way!"

Wade drops his shoulders in a pout. "Why not? Mini-Spidey got to see it!"

"Did he tell you that? It's still a no, Wade."

Wade crosses his arms and turns around to grumble angry gibberish, then perks up.

"Oh! I just thought of a great idea! What if we duel?" He pulls out the gauntlet he put away for safekeeping and leaps toward Spider-Man to wiggle it temptingly in front of him.

"A toy… vs an ACTUAL lightsaber?" He asks skeptically.

Wade shrugs. "What? It's not like I can die or anything." He points out, and pulls the gauntlet on and points it at Spidey threateningly. "First to get hit loses!"

Spider-Man thinks on this for another moment, before straightening up determinedly, a grin in his voice. "…You're on!" He declares, offering out a hand to shake.

Wade throws his toy-armored hand over Spidey's and shakes it enthusiastically. "Great! Winner gets to see the other's house!"

At that he quickly pulls his hand back. "Huh?! Didn't I already tell you NO?"

Deadpool puts a hand on a hip and observes the imaginary nails on his gauntlet nonchalantly. "Sooo what, you're scared you're gonna lose?"

Spidey stares with squinted lenses at him for a moment, visibly pissed off, before striking out with his lightsaber, Wade narrowly missing getting an arm chopped off.

Wade grins widely and claps his hands together. "I knew you'd be up to the challenge!" He leaps even further away when Spidey comes at him again, putting some distance between them, and starts shooting little orbeez thing with his weapon, Spidey dodging every attack easily (they actually don't shoot very far, as it turns out).

{This is it, Wade! Our chance at seeing Spidey's house for real!}

[Center yourself. He's fast so we need to focus to get the jump on him.]

{Better yet, think of something that makes you ANGRY!}

As he dodges another one of Spidey's sloppy attacks, Wade digs into the recesses of his mind for proper fuel. That one lady skipping him in line at the grocery store the other day? Eh, not quite enough. The Weapon X program? Maybe too much. Oh, here's something…

"Hey Spidey, something dawned on me just now, earlier you knew who Bullseye was. So how come when we first met you didn't know ME???????"

Spider-Man stops his attacks for a moment to shrug. "Uh, I dunno. Just didn't come up. Plus, you're not really based in New York, right?"

"Yea baby, that's cuz I'm WORLDWIDE!" Deadpool throws his arms out then crosses them against his chest grumpily.

Spidey lets out a chuckle at that, dropping the arms holding his lightsaber, "Are you seriously pouting about this?"

Wade takes this as his chance to shoot out at the hero. "Maybe I am!" He exclaims, barraging Spidey with (harmless) bullets that he deftly avoids. "So, who's cooler? Bullseye or me???"

Spidey jumps away from Wade's bullets, clinging onto benches, trees, and whatever else he can get his sticky mitts on. "Bullseye! Bullseye a million times!" He calls out in a tone of mock surrender, raising his arms in the air.

"Ohhhhhh, I'm gonna get you for that, young man!"

"I dare you!" Spidey challenges, laughter in his voice, as he jumps down and starts a volley of attacks with his saber, which Wade dodges easily. That is, until he trips back on a tree root and falls straight on his ass. As Spidey nears him he points out his gauntlet and moves to release a torrent of gunfire, but nothing comes out.

"Crap! Outta ammo!" He exclaims, knocking at his gauntlet to try and get it working again.

Spidey snickers as he holds his lightsaber up to Wade's neck, Wade moving to raise his hands up in panicked surrender. "That's what happens when you play with a toy." He teases, then pulls the saber back beside him and moves to offer a hand out instead. "Do you yield?"

Wade gives him a worried look, eyes switching quickly between his weapon and his hand. Then his expression morphs into something evil. "Nope." He says, and shoots him right in the forehead.

Spidey pulls back, putting his hand to his forehead in shock, then points at Wade in outrage. "You liar!"

He giggles evilly. "Just keeping you on your toes, Spidey-Kins! Looks like I win!"

He pulls himself to his feet and brushes off his butt. "You know what that means! So, are you gonna swing me there or should I follow you?" He asks cheekily as he leans forward and does a taunting little shimmy.

But Spidey just tosses his (now off) saber at Wade's forehead and leaps away to perch on a tree branch. "Sorry Wade, can't. I gotta get ready for work tomorrow!" Wade can hear the wide, cocky grin he definitely has under the mask.

"What??" He whines and stomps his foot, "That's not fair, we had a deal!"

"I think… You had a deal." He brushes off with a shrug, then gives that irritating little two-fingered Spidey salute. "See ya!" And with that he jumps off of the tree and flings himself off into the sky.

"Get back here, you little!" Wade yells a bunch of angry sounding gibberish into the sky after the Webbed Menace. What a butthead.

{It's okay, we'll wear him down.}

Chapter Text

Middle schoolers were rough. It was no wonder Peter was so worn out that he needed a 4-day staycation. In fact, he thinks maybe a hibernation would be more reasonable. Peter's first day back required a lot of catch-up work. In his eighth hour, they managed to convince the sub that they were ahead of their work when, in fact, they were a couple of weeks behind the curriculum with exams approaching. Curse him for being a lenient teacher. He could at least take relief in the fact that they got less work done with the sub than with him. Who's the worse teacher now? Ha! (He's choosing to look on the bright side.)

After what felt like the longest work-day in a while, the final bell rings and all of the kids that didn't sneak off early start filing out of the classroom. "See ya later, Li'l P!" Miguel calls as he heads out the door, Peter half-heartedly waving him off as he pores over another late research paper. The kid's goodbye is closely followed by a panicked "OHMIGOD!" and another scratchier voice going "Boo!" along with some evil cackling.

Peter starts up in his seat at that, but he doesn't have a chance to jump into action before a large man peeks past the doorframe, swaying lightly from side-to-side as if trying to look bashful. "Teacher, teacher! Sorry I'm late to class, are you gonna send me to detention?" He highlights the 'detention' with a flick of the eyebrows and a salacious smirk, then immediately goes back to acting innocent by batting his nonexistent eyelashes.

Peter has to consciously stop himself from rolling his eyes to maintain his air of professional man in a professional job. He doesn't, however, manage to stop himself from saying, "How about expulsion instead?"

At that, Wade perks up immediately and comes bouncing into the classroom. "You mean no school? Yippee!!"

"Hangon-" Peter jerks in his seat automatically to stop him from entering, not wanting to find out what disaster this tornado of a man might bring to his classroom. What was he doing here, anyway?

"There's my shining star!" Said man squeals as he rushes to scoop his kid up from where she's still getting her things together at her desk. Before she has a chance to react, he twirls her in his arms, knocking aside several desks in the process.

Finally Ellie comes to and starts repeatedly slapping at his shoulders, "Couldn't'a waited outside???" She gripes, though there's an edge of laughter to her tone.

"And spend two more minutes away from my baby? That's crazy talk, girl!" Wade exclaims, finally putting her down but not pulling away as he nuzzles his cheek against the top of her head.

Peter suppresses a snicker at the miserable look on Ellie's face.

He feels for the girl, but their father-daughter bond was nice to see in-person. Though he had to admit it was still super weird seeing Wade out of costume. His usual black and red costume was a big contrast to the small pink hoodie and hello kitty tote back he was sporting today. Not to say they didn't suit his personality all the same.

Wade finally lets go of his suffocating child. "I actually did have another reason for coming though, call it a side-quest." He says, then quickly backs up from his kid to sit daintily across from Peter at the edge of his desk, pulling his knees up and raising a hand cheekily. "Hiya teach! Can you look at my homework?"

Now seated right in front of him, Peter has no choice but to take note of just how tight his pink jacket is. Did he buy small clothes on purpose, to show off his muscles? Make other men feel emasculated by his being able to look buff as possible while wearing cute petite and baby-pink clothing? Was it working? Maybe. Was Peter still staring like a dumbass?

"My, my, Mr. Parker, my eyes are up here!" Wade drawls in a southern accent. Well that answers that question. Peter quickly drags his eyes up to meet the man's gaze, who is pointing to his eyes with an overly scandalized expression. Peter gets the sense that he was just joking around and assumed Peter just zoned out instead of actually staring at his chest like some kind of creep. Thank God. To be fair, Deadpool did shove his man-boobs like, right in front of his face.

…Oh God, now he sounded like a misogynist. Maybe he should rat himself out to HR.

Peter clears his throat, fighting down his embarrassed blush in a futile attempt to act professional. What was he there about again? Homework? Best to find out whatever that was. He fixes Wade with a serious frown and asks, "Do you shop in the kids section?"

Well, so much for hiding the fact that he was ogling his chest.

"Sometimes!" Wade beams, thankfully taking it in stride. He then angles himself away slightly almost as if he's covering up his modesty and sticks out a pouty lip. Yet another overly-acted reaction, but something about his expression makes Peter feel like he's looking at a kicked puppy. "Why? No good?"

Shit, now he was a misogynist(?) and a some kinda fashion-police asshole. "No," Peter quickly covers up, "It works."

Wade's delighted grin instantly reappears at that. "You think so?" He raises his hand up in a peace sign and shoots him a wink and kissy lips, "Of course it works! It's Wednesday, baby!"

"It… is?" Peter confirms, not quite grasping the relevance.

"On Wednesdays we wear PINK?" Ellie butts in sassily, making her presence known once again as she has now gathered all of her things and walks over to join the two.

"This girl gets it!" Wade says proudly as he gestures over to his kid, then turns a disappointed look onto Peter. "Mean girls? Are you with it or not, Petey-Pie? Keep up!" He makes a chop-chop motion.

Apparently not… Due to his extensive media knowledge acquired from spending most of his time about middle-schoolers, Peter could understand a large chunk of the man's references. But between Morlun and Deadpool, Peter'd say the latter was harder to keep up with. Before Peter can even gather his thoughts to respond, Wade rummages through his bag and slaps several crumpled pages on his desk. "Wham, bam, you're welcome ma'am! Finished those babies up, do I get an A for effort? Ooh! Or maybe a star sticker? Do you do those??"

Peter looks down, smoothing the papers out to see the summer school forms he previously gave them. Generally, you're supposed to drop the papers off at the front desk, but Peter doesn't correct this, just glad to see Wade's sloppy handwriting (it seemed most of his effort went towards heart-dotting his i's) littering the pages.

"Thanks, Wade. I'll get these checked in." He says as he presses out some of the wrinkles, then throws a beaming grin onto Ellie, who startles slightly when he calls out to her. "I'm glad you're deciding to do this. Ellie! I know it’s a pain to spend part of your summer in classes, but it's better than wasting a whole 'nother year repeating a grade."

Ellie responds by rolling her eyes, but Peter can tell neither family member is immune to praise. "Well, not like I had much of a choice. Dad's been crying at my door about being a delinquent ever since."

"That so?" Peter snorts a laugh at the idea then looks back up to Wade who is very openly staring at him expectantly, to Peter's confusion. He blinks, then finally says, "Sooo, no sticker?"

A surprised laugh escapes Peter at that. He shakes his head as he pulls open one of his drawers, Wade watching with excited eyes, and takes out the stickers he keeps just in case. He chooses the little bee sticker with the words 'bee-you-tiful work!' on it and sticks it to the man's chest. "There, your badge of honor. Good parenting."

Wade's face instantly brightens up, and he whips his head at breakneck speed to brag to his daughter. "Hear that?"

Ellie stomps a foot and glares at him. "No fair! If anyone deserves a sticker around here, it's me!"

Wade laughs a boisterous laugh, "Sucks to suck, kiddo!" He taunts, then rotates his thumbs in his ears and blows a raspberry at her. "Na na na boo boo!"

Ellie lets out an enraged growl at that, stomping her foot, and gives Peter an intense look, as if he should be the one to call off her father from their squabble fit for a pair of kids on a playground.

Peter rolls his eyes and gives Wade a very gentle and reasonable smack to the back of the head. "Knock it off or I'll take it back." He says, then gestures Ellie over and pulls up the sticker sheet again. "Here, you can choose one."

Like father, like daughter, her emotions do an immediate 180 and she skips over to the desk cheerfully to choose her own sticker.

Wade, meanwhile, is rubbing his head as he glares at the ground sulkingly. "He hit me!" He mumbles to himself in a pout, then takes note of Ellie looking through the sticker sheet and points an accusatory finger. "Hey, I didn't get to choose my own!"

"Sucks!" Ellie responds, sticking her tongue out at him as she wiggles a bespectacled cookie sticker with the words 'smart cookie' in his face tauntingly.

They spend the next few minutes going through Peter's entire sticker sheet so he doesn't have to deal with their bickering, until it's totally empty and the two Wilsons (and to a lesser extent, Peter) are covered in stickers. Doesn't matter though, most of his middle schoolers didn't appreciate a good sticker on their work, who knew they'd be such a good reward for these two. Maybe he should start bringing stickers onto patrols, for when Deadpool successfully holds himself back from unnecessarily injuring anyone. Nothing like a li'l good ol' operant conditioning.

"Alright, you two have officially bled me dry." Peter says as he slaps his hands on his thighs with finality and moves to grab his messenger bag. "Time to call it a day."

When he looks back, he is met with the sight of Wade staring at him with wide, almost nervous eyes and hands clasped politely on his desk. Ellie stands nearby loudly scrolling through memes on her phone. "Oh, yeah? Any big plans for after work? I bet you're a… Busy guy, right?" He says, failing big-time at sounding casual.

Peter loops his bag over a shoulder and starts to gather up the things on his desk. He tilts a curious eyebrow at the man. He couldn't be talking about patrol, right? Peter assumed that was a given. "Uh, not really. Probably finish up some work at home, maybe catch up on some cleaning. You?"

"Cool, cool. So, just curious, were you set on those boring solo activities? Or would you be down for, say… An intriguing guest to join you in doing something more entertaining before any other inflexible nightly activities you might have lined up?" He clasps his hands together once again and blinks expectantly.

Peter stares at him, his brain taking a moment to process before he realizes that Wade must be asking to hang out before patrol. Could that be the real reason he came in today? Peter's first thought, as it always is when faced with any sudden social proposition (especially when his social battery is already drained), is to politely decline. But as he opens his mouth to offer a reply, he can't quite get the words out once he takes in the slightly nervous look on the usually shameless ex-merc's face.

"…Sure, I'll be free." Is what he settles on, offering a smile and a shrug.

Wade immediately brightens up at that, all nerves lost. "Great! We can hang at your place!" He decides with vigor.

"Hell no." Peter denies automatically. His place was way too messy for guests right now (and always). Not to mention Wade was way too nosey about seeing it, and at this point he just didn't want to give him the satisfaction. So maybe he broke their deal from last night, whatever. He could deal with the guilt easily.

Ellie bursts out of her trance to cackle in delight. "You made him say 'Hell'!!!!"

Wade just lets out a long sigh and places a disappointed hand on his hip, "Fine, I'll take it. We'll find something else to do."

He then directs a bunch of confusing gestures at Ellie, ending with him pointing over at the door with both arms. The girl follows after him without even lifting her gaze from her phone.

"I'll call you!" Wade coos cheerily from where he now grasps onto the doorframe, holding his hand up to his ear in a phone shape with a leg kicked in the air. He isn't even gone for ten seconds before barreling back in and placing his Hello Kitty tote bag on Peter's desk. "Almost forgot!" He then waves and blows a kiss. "See ya later, Sweets!"

Peter raises his arm weakly in a wave, barely having a chance to react before the man is gone again. As the two walk down the hallway, Peter catches onto their trailing conversation.

"Dad, were you flirting with my science teacher?" Ellie asks skeptically. This is followed by Wade shushing her in a panic.

"No, Ellie! It's just grown-up stuff. And don't say that so loud!" They're silent for only a few moments before he follows with a, "…Why? Do you think it worked?" and the sound of them leaving through the exit.

Peter finally collapses back into his chair and rolls his eyes at Wade's antics, breathing a laugh. His eyes are drawn back to the bag on his desk, and he moves to take a curious look inside. He tilts a brow at the contents, and does a double-take.

He didn't remember the bag looking so large or stuffed, but inside, there are at least 5 different decently-sized tupperware containers, all of which are full of different kinds of soup.

---

Peter had about an hour or two of down-time after work (and about three bowls of soup) before Wade texted him an address and a time. Or, maybe address wasn't the right word. He kind of just gave him a description of the neighborhood and a long ramble about a taco truck he liked that was supposedly near the location. Luckily, Peter knew this city like the back of his hand, so it was easy enough to puzzle out the general area. Maybe he should put his tracking skills to use more often. Double as a detective in his free time. Or a mercenary.

Ha! Just kidding!

Peter lets out a little chuckle at the joke he made in his head, only to be met with several suspicious glares from people nearby. He quickly covers up his laugh with a cough and does his best to look casually at the sky. That was another thing, one of the descriptors Wade used for the area was "shady as hell", so Peter felt a little out of his element just standing around in his civilian clothes. He gives a polite smile and wave to a nearby biker that is still eyeing him up suspiciously as he stands outside day-drinking. Should Peter report that?

Suddenly, and very unhelpfully, a loud and upbeat song bursts through the gritty silence and muffled yelling, nearly shocking Peter out of his own skin. He looks around quickly for the source, only to realize it's coming from his own pocket.

"C-A-L-L-I-N-G now, I'm calling you- Calling you now!" Sings his phone. Very on-the-nose. Peter usually has his phone on mute, so he can pose a guess about how it was suddenly on full-blast with an entirely new ringtone.

He quickly fumbles for his phone and presses the answer button, offering another apologetic smile to the nearby thug-types, and moves to snap at his caller. "Dude, when did you change my ringtone??"

A bright, cheery voice sounds at the other end. "How do ya know it was me, Sweet Pea?" He puts on an air of innocence, but Peter can almost feel the mischievous smirk.

"Well it definitely wasn’t ME," He huffs, rolling his eyes, "I don’t even know that song."

"Ummmm, duh! It's Aqua!" Wade responds in a tone that is way too sassy for someone who is being drilled right now, "You never heard of them? Barbie girl? Or do you only listen to classical music? Or star-trek OSTs?"

Peter quietly seethes into his phone. He got half of that right.

"Anyway, I was calling to see where you were but I already heard you!"

He rolls his eyes. "Okay? So where are you then?" But Wade doesn't reply. Peter frowns, looking at the screen to make sure the call didn't end on him. "Wade?"

Suddenly, a pair of rough hands cover his eyes, accompanied by a, "Guess who-"

Before the voice can finish, Peter's instincts kick in, and he grabs his attacker's arm and flips them against a nearby wall.

"Man, you gotta stop sneaking up on me." Peter gripes, hoping it's not too apparent how easily startled he is, his adrenaline still kicking.

"Hot." Wade winces/grins over at Peter from where he's pushed into the wall. That's enough to make Peter release his grip on the man instantly, and he straightens up and brushes himself off with the same unapologetic grin.

"You're never afraid to make things weird, are you?" Peter gives him a judgmental look.

Wade chooses to ignore the comment, instead reaching out to loop a finger under the bracelet Peter wears and pull his wrist up to his face. "Awww, you're wearing our friendship bracelet again, shoulda brought mine!"

Peter pulls his hand away and moves it behind his back, clearing his throat before grumpily mumbling, "Yours is not a friendship bracelet. It's a gauntlet, for one." Maybe it counted as like, toxic masculinity or something, but Peter couldn't help but feel embarrassed being a grown man wearing an MLP-themed friendship bracelet. Unfortunately, he'd also feel like a jackass if he didn't.

Also, he liked it. Don't judge.

"You're so cute when you're shy!" Wade coos, and Peter tunes out his subsequent doting to take in the man's appearance. He changed from his previous outfit to a pair of blue jeans, a black tee with his logo on it, a black and red baseball cap with his logo on it, and a black and red bomber jacket with- get this!- also his logo on it. This had to count as him wearing his own merch, right?

"Lost the pink?" Peter asks, interrupting Wade's chatter.

"Oh, yea!" Wade strikes a fashionista pose to show off his outfit. "I figured I'd wear something more suitable for bro-time! You know- Fixing trucks, drinking beers, uh… Harassing women? Scratch that one, we already tried it." He then corrects his pose to something you might see on the cover of a rap album.

Peter crosses his arms and gives him a faux-disappointed look. "How dishonorable of you. It's Wednesday you know."

Wade raises his eyebrows and gives him a knowing smirk. "You miss the pink?" He asks.

Peter drops his arms and shrugs defeatedly. "I do kind of miss the pink." He admits. What can he say? It was a look.

This triggers an eruption of giggles from Wade (how very macho) and he moves to hold onto Peter's arm. "Well if I go to Mean Girls hell, you're coming with me buddy."

"Uh uh uh." Peter wags a finger, and Wade loosens his grip enough for him to lift his jeans and show off his pink pig socks.

Peter gives him a smug smirk, only to cringe and lean away once Wade makes some high pitch sound that hurts his ears. "Oh my gawd, you're so cu-" In an immediate 180 he jumps to put a couple feet of distance between them and points an accusatory finger. "HEY! That's kinda zesty, man!"

Before Peter can even decide if he takes offense to that, Wade barrels on. "If we're gonna have proper bro-time then we'll need a li'l masculinity boost! No campy teenage drama movie references, no girl colors (even though I'm a believer that colors have no gender). That's why our first item on the agenda is… Drumroll please!" Wade provides his own drumroll by quickly tapping his fingers on his thighs, then spreads his arms out in a grand gesture. "Getting beers!"

He grins proudly at this reveal, then off to the side adds, "No, I'm not overcompensating! That's something folks with little Wilsons do-" He cups the front of his jeans to illustrate his point, and Peter chooses to ignore that.

"Beers?" He clarifies, attempting to bring the man back to the topic as he continues talking to himself about his dick.

Wade whips his head from where he was chatting away with himself and moves to grab onto Peter's arm again and pull him in what must be the direction of the bar. "Yea! My friend Weasel gives me free drinks, just cuz we're besties- Ah! Second besties-" He gives Peter a pointed wink, then continues, "-and he loves me."

"Gotcha." Peter speeds up his space so the man stops dragging him along the sidewalk.

"I will tell you, though," Wade starts as he moves his hand from Peter's arm and drops an arm over his shoulders instead, "I can't really get drunk so you might not wanna try an' get full wasted unless you're cool with doing it alone."

Peter shakes his head. "Nah, I'm similar. Since my metabolism's way high it takes quite a few drinks to get a buzz."

"Ah, not to mention the holy Marvel books ban you from consuming any fun-time-drinks… I almost forgot." Wade rubs his chin in though, once again talking about God knows what. He perks up. "In that case, do you want to just drink mocktails with tons of sweetener to get sugar high?"

Peter grins at that. Now that sounded more up his alley than beer. Never liked the taste, anyway. "Absolutely."

Wade squeals at that, then throws the set of doors open. "We finna get littie tonight!!" He sings, letting go of Peter to prance inside.

The inside of the bar could… Use some work, to say the least. Peter's shoes try to stick to the ground as he follows after Wade at a calmer pace. For the moment, it seems to be pretty empty, but there are a few rough-looking men scattered around, all of which are giving the two dirty looks.

One of the men seated at the bar shoots Wade a glare and turns to call into what must be the office behind the bar. "Hey Weasel, the menace is back!"

"Hey now, I know someone else already in possession of that nickname!" Wade corrects, shooting Peter (AKA: the Masked Menace) a very unsubtle wink.

He grabs onto Peter's shoulders and pushes him onto one of the sticky barstools, quickly taking a seat next to him. "Great in here, isn't it? Don't'cha love the smell of blood and vomit?" He takes a deep breath in through his nose, then lets out a long pleased sigh. "Smells like home!"

"Oh, so that's the smell you carry with you, huh? Home?" Peter says with a wicked smirk.

"You know just what to say to a lady!" Wade gives Peter a flirty smack on the shoulder and bats his nonexistent eyelashes at him, then turns to yell at the cracked door behind the bar. "Hey, Weez, come check it out! I told you I had normal friends!!!" The way he says it so proudly makes Peter wonder if that was the real reason they were here. If Spider-Man was normal by Wade's standards, he wonders what his other friends where like.

Finally the door crashes open hard enough to splinter, and a scruffy man with spiky black hair and glasses (also a black shirt with the Deadpool logo on it. Was this like, another new fashion trend Peter missed out on?) comes storming out. "Get out! I don't wanna see you again, you thief!"

"Good to see you again, too, buddy!" Wade beams at the man, placing his head in his hands cheerfully, "Since you're impolite and won't do it yourself, I'll introduce you." He reaches out to pull Peter up next to him. "This is P-Diddy! You guys both like Star Trek so you'll prob get along-" As Wade yammers on about their commonalities, Peter watches Weasel's gaze catch on himself and his expression change from annoyance, to horror, back to annoyance.

"Parker?" He asks in a cool tone with a bit of a bite to it, cutting Wade off mid-ramble. Wade excitedly perks up and looks quickly between the two. "You already know each other? Don't tell me you're secret BFFs without me!" He ends in a jealous pout.

Did they know each other? Peter couldn't say he frequented grimy bars all that often, but the guy obviously knew him from somewhere. He squints at the man as he attempts to recall, then realization dawns on him.

"Jack?" He asks, his tone containing a little more excitement than the aforementioned man.

At this acknowledgement Jack Hammer's frown and eyebrows droop further.

He turns away and waves them off. "Get out of here, both of you."

"Wuh- Seriously, Weez? But we need our fruity mocktails!!" Wade slaps his hands on the counter and leans forward in surprise.

"I don't cater to jackasses!" Jack snaps, sharply looking over his shoulder to glare at them both, then stomps off into the back room.

"Man, I needed a new drink." The man next to them at the bar despondently mutters.

Wade blinks in confusion after his friend, then turns to Peter. "BRB! Sorry about my snarky little pal, let me talk to him gently real quick." With that, he hops over the counter and heads into the backroom. This is followed by a lot of yelling (almost exclusively from Weasel) and Wade is fairly quickly thrown out of the room, stumbling forward with the expression of a deer caught in headlights. He's now holding something, but shoves it away quickly and switches to a cheery grin as he gives Peter a thumbs-up.

"He's totes fine!" He affirms confidently. "Maybe we should leave though… How do you feel about slushies?"

Peter sends a curious glance to the back where Jack disappeared but nods slowly. "Works for me."

"Great!" Before he leaves the bar, Wade grabs two margarita glasses. "To make em more fancy!" And hops back over the bar, beckoning Peter to follow.

Once the two get outside, Wade looks to Peter and gestures his head vaguely back in the direction of the bar. "Any idea what that was about?"

Peter frowns as he tries to puzzle that out for himself. "Not really… We were friends in high school," He starts, then quickly corrects himself, "Well, not quite friends. Actually, apparently closer to the opposite, judging by his reaction to seeing me." He chuckles at the thought, but it falls flat, and he ends up cringing slightly instead. Since the two men at the time were… How to put it… Big, bulliable science nerds, Peter had assumed there was some solidarity there. Who'da thunk the guy actually just had something out for him the whole time? Peter's inability to read people shocked himself sometimes, he attempts to smother the twinge of embarrassment that rises up in him before it can show on his face.

Wade grabs onto Peter and starts nuzzling his cheek against the top of his head affectionately. "Awww, don't take it personal Pete! Thats just how Weezy, shows love. Don't ya see how he treats me? L.O.V.E right there!" Wade turns a huge, pleased grin onto him. Before Peter can point out how he may not have been the only one misreading Weasel's emotions, Wade continues. "Also, I bet you my Golden Girls trading card collection that any 'nimosity he might'a had back then was just cuz he was jealous of your big brains and cute butt." He winks, and thanks to Peter's handy-dandy Spider-Sense, he narrowly manages to evade Wade's attempt at slapping a hand on his ass.

Peter pushes the man off of him and rolls his eyes, but a small smirk makes its way to his face. "I'm not so sure about your judgement there, but thanks." As stupid as it sounds, the man's reasoning manages to make him feel better.

As Wade switches gears to gushing about how cute it would be to see Peter and Weasel as "baby nerds", the two men walk in the direction of the nearest 7-11. Peter has to repeatedly deny showing Wade his high school yearbook until he finally switches topics.

The two "pre-game" it, as Wade calls it (was he planning on going to another slushy location after this?), by using their margarita glasses at the slushy station. When the tired-looking cashier attempts to tell them it's against the rules, Wade gallantly shakes their hand and slips them what appears to be way too much money, and they leave them be after that.

Deeming neither their glasses nor the 50oz slushy cups big enough, Wade grabs some sort of kids' sandcastle bucket and fills that up instead. The two take turns sipping out of it with straws as they head to their next location on the subway, then get off and make the rest of their way by foot.

It always felt sort of strange using the public transit system to get places when Peter could generally get there in a fraction of the time as Spider-Man. But that was probably because he didn't go out much as his civilian-self anymore- At least, not outside of work.

"Oh, we're here!" Wade interrupts his own ramble on the best unconventional ways to improve the United States (the first was bringing Mr. Rogers back from the dead and making him president, the second was to become part of Canada) as he stops them suddenly outside of a large building with a crowd.

He shoves the slushy bucket into Peter's arms. "You gotta chug it, Petey!"

"Seriously?" Peter gives him a skeptical look from under his eyebrows.

Wade points dramatically to a sign, "No food and drink! Do you wanna break the law?" He asks in a tone of pure offense.

Peter deadpans, but grabs the bucket and starts chugging the rest of the slushy.

"Chug! Chug! Chug!" Wade shouts in support.

Peter drops the empty bucket to the ground and holds a hand to his temple, clenching his eyes against the brain freeze as Wade cheers at his success. It was arguably not the best idea to chug a solid pint of slushy when a certain spider-bite messed with his thermoregulation. He suppresses a shiver at the temperature change and starts rubbing at his arms to work some heat back into his body.

"Where are we, anyway?" He asks, pulling his head up to try and get an idea of their destination. Wade quickly squishes Peter's face between his hands to keep him facing in his direction. "Patience, young Spider-Hopper! Don't look too closely at your surroundings."

The two wait in the mysterious line for a few minutes, Wade moving this way and that to block Peter's view whenever he deems him too close to seeing where they are. It's super annoying.

As Peter's just about reached the security checkpoint, however, he realizes the heavy presence next to him has suddenly disappeared. He looks over to see Wade standing on the other side of the entrance and wiggling his fingers at him. When did that happen?

The two pick up their tickets, Wade seemingly having already pre-payed as they scan some barcode on his phone, and Peter takes this moment of Wade's distraction to finally take in their surroundings.

They seem to be in the middle of some kind of convention, crowded with a colorful collection of people and booths. Judging by the amount of wizards and tv show characters Peter could recognize walking around, it definitely wasn't a business convention.

Wade bumps his shoulder with his own, handing him a lanyard as he gestures Peter to follow him further into the area. "Neat, huh? Didn't even know it was goin' on till Bob told me this mornin'."

Peter leans to the side to let a rather bulky manticore past him, then peers up at the large sign hanging over the entrance. 'Brooklyn Comic Con' it says in big dynamic lettering.

"I haven't been to one of these in…" He scans his memory for the last time he's attended any kind of nerdy convention and comes up blank. At least not since he became old enough that practically everyone was more likely to talk about mortgages or pension plans than dragons or Wookiees. "-Forever." He finishes with a shrug.

Wade throws his arms up in the air in exasperation, nearly hitting Peter in the head as he does so. "I figured, Petey! You know, when I first started fangirling over-" He leans in to offer a loudly whispered, "Pider-Mansay", Then leans back out, "-I assumed you spent your free time like, smooching hot ladies- Or men, wink!- or going to cool super-parties or something. But you're actually a tight-ass, aren't you? I mean, you're fun, but you don't really seem to get out much."

"I'm not a tight-ass!" Peter retorts, offended at the assessment even though everything he said was 5000% true. His indignation, however, deflates once Wade responds with a wicked smirk, offering a pointed look behind him. Okay, he walked into that one. He frowns deeply and angles himself more toward the man to stop his leering.

Wade crosses his arms proudly at his victory, twitching his eyebrows flirtatiously, then perks up suddenly as he moves to rummage around inside his jacket for something.

"Oh, and I have something to give you cred!" He exclaims, and finally pulls out the lightsaber they used the other night from God-knows-where.

"Pulled it offa Weez back there, I lent it to him for a bit. Don't ask what he did with it." He cups a hand around his mouth and whispers, "Top secret!" in a sing-song voice, offering a salacious wink.

"Jeez Wade, put that away!" Peter hisses as he quickly moves closer to cover up the weapon from the public eye, looking behind them to make sure nobody noticed.

"Okay, I was kidding. I don't think he was doing anything freaky with it. It's probably fine and sanitary." Wade admits with a shrug.

"That's not it, dummy!" Peter groans, rolling his eyes, then leans in close and shoots the man a glare. "We couldn't bring drinks in, but you brought an actual weapon?"

Wade responds with a big grin as he twirls the thing around in one hand. "It's all good pal! Tons a' kids bring these things."

"Not real ones." Peter facepalms.

"Eh who can tell?"

"Just put it away, Wade." Peter pleads, sweat threatening to drop from his brow as his eyes catch on the nearby security guards. Maybe Spider-Man had a long history of being wanted by the police, but Peter Parker was not willing to add anything crazy to his record today.

Thankfully, Wade gives in this time with a shrug. "Suit yourself!" He says flippantly, and shoves it back into wherever he fits the rest of his comically large items. Peter breathes a sigh of relief.

Unfortunately, Wade had a point about people likely not being able to tell whether they had a real weapon or not. All around them were people with giant swords, guns, you name it. Many of them were obviously plastic or cardboard, but some were too close to the real thing to tell. Not to mention, there were even several people dressed up as real villains. Just from where they were standing he could pick out an Electro and a Rhino. Why those two seemed to have fans was beyond Peter.

The one thing that makes him feel more at ease is that his Spider-Sense doesn't seem to be going off. His nerves, on the other hand…

"Hey look, it's you!" Wade exclaims suddenly, shaking Peter by the shoulder and excitedly pointing over to a grade-schooler dressed in some Spider-Man costume they must have gotten from a party store. It takes Peter by surprise, as he wasn't expecting to see a copy of himself here, but it feels nice to be appreciated in that way. He smiles softly, watching for a moment as the kid leads their parents excitedly around the convention.

"Now, where the Deadpools at?" Wade pipes up, and makes a show of looking around, only to slap his hands on his hips in a pout when he seemingly comes up fruitless.

Peter offers him a consolatory pat on the shoulder. "Don't worry bud, they probably just couldn't get all the buckles and pouches right." He reassures with trailing amusement.

That seems to do the trick in cheering that man up as he puffs his chest out proudly. "You're so right, Bugaboo. Mine is a hard look to pull off!" He affirms, then turns to face Peter with excitement. "Oh!!! That gives me a good idea! I'm pretty sure they have cosplay competitions at these things, what say you and I put our hats in the ring?" He offers with a scheming wink.

"You mean… Just wear our regular costumes?"

Wade nods animatedly, "Mhm! Easy A, amirite prof?"

Peter grins in amusement at the idea but rolls his eyes. "Pretty sure that's cheating, Wade."

Wade responds by rolling his own eyes and blowing a raspberry at him. "What'd I say? Tight ass!" He bemoans, and giggles once Peter elbows him in the ribs.

"So? Where to first?" He asks cheerily, gesturing around them, and Peter follows his gesturing uncertainly. "Not sure, honestly. I think I'm a bit outta my depth here. Like I said I don't go to things like this often, I actually spend a lot of my time trying not to seem like a total dork." He jokes with a self-deprecating smirk. People like Deadpool can easily get away with wearing a Hello Kitty tote and making it look cool. Peter, on the other hand…

Wade turns on him with a dismayed pout. "What's wrong with being dorky?"

Peter puffs a laugh and waves off Wade's bummed look. "I mean it works for some people, but not me. I'm not a cool nerd, I'm like, a nerd nerd." Peter clarifies, gesturing to himself widely to help his point.

Wade finishes wiping an invisible tear from his eye, instead hitting Peter with a blank processing stare. He then lets out a boisterous laugh as he shoves Peter rather forcefully by the shoulder. "You're pulling my leg, Petey! You're a hot nerd and you know it. Now get yourself out the closet and let's go dork it up, boy!" He pulls his arm and starts leading him through the convention area.

Peter feels an embarrassed blush creep up his neck, taken off-guard by Wade's comment. Sure he made a fair share of lewd comments to Spider-Man, but Peter Parker wasn't usually on the receiving end of shameless flirting- flippant or not -especially when related to some of his more embarrassing qualities. Of course if anyone were to consider dorkiness "hot" it'd be Wade. He sighs and shakes his head as he matches the man's pace so that he stops dragging him along.

The two men walk around for a bit, Wade popping from booth to booth to appreciate them and chat with the vendors, and stopping to compliment various peoples' costumes. He even ends up in the lead at some sort of gaming competition before he gets bored and leaves mid-round to suggest they load up on chili dogs from the food court.

For the most part, Peter feels like he's sightseeing. It’s a bit thrilling- almost surreal- to be surrounded by so many people brought together by their shared love of all things nerdy. Everywhere he looks, there’s a costume, a reference, or a fandom he half-recognizes. But while a big chunk of the sights are more mainstream, his tastes usually skew old-school (apart from whatever MJ or his friends have gotten him into over the years).

When Wade finds this out, he reacts with shock.

"Seriously? You seem pretty hip with the kids, though. You get, like, half the references I make!"

Peter snorts. "Are you calling yourself hip?" he teases, shooting Wade a smirk. "And that’s only because I work in a school. Most of my pop-culture knowledge comes secondhand from my constant exposure to middle-schoolers."

Wade tilts a dubious brow down at him. "So… that means you haven’t actually watched most of the shows I yammer on about?"

"Nah, don't have too much time for TV, or… Much of anything recreational anymore." Peter admits with a sheepish shrug.

"Oh-ho-ho, we're gonna change that!" Wade replies with an giant evil grin. Peter doesn't know if he should be scared.

The two wander around a bit longer, Wade somehow managing to convince Peter to download and add him on TikTok so he could "educate" him.

Eventually, something does catch Peter’s genuine interest- a booth run by a sci-fi comic writer he had been obsessed with back in high school. Unable to resist the call of nostalgia, Peter walks up to compliment the man on the detailed speculative science and futuristic tech concepts found in his comics, even somewhat sheepishly admitting that he'd tried recreating a few of the designs in real life during his free time.

Wade hangs back, watching the exchange like a proud mom.

Turns out, the writer is a scientist himself, and the two fall into an easy, enthusiastic conversation. Peter barely notices when Wade gives his shoulder a pat and quietly slips away.

By the time the conversation wraps up and Peter surfaces from his science haze, and looks around to find Wade’s nowhere in sight. He scans the crowd, mild concern creeping in, until a familiar voice pipes up behind him.

"How’d it go, Hunny-Bun?"

Peter turns and has to process the sight for a moment. Wade is back, and now entirely buried in merch: bags, plushies, even a few novelty hats stacked on his head. Most notably, he’s cradling a massive Thanos body pillow (where did he get that??) and has a glittery My Little Pony messenger bag slung over his shoulder like it’s a fashion statement.

He's almost certain he wasn't in conversation long enough for all that to happen, but Wade was a mystery of nature.

They continue their exploration, Wade intently interrogating Peter about his pop-culture gaps.

"Trolls?"

"Um… maybe a part of it."

"It? There are three movies, Parker! Not to mention the shows and holiday specials."

"Oops."

"My Little Pony?"

"I've just seen clips."

This is met with a dramatic, disbelieving gasp, closely followed by a, "Golden Girls?"

"Okay, that I’ve seen," Peter replies, finally relieved to have a solid win. Aunt May used to love that show, so they would watch it together fairly often. Still, it's definitely not mainstream.

Regardless, this finally earns him a pleased grin, and Wade reaches over to pinch Peter's cheeks with both hands. Peter just snorts and tolerates it, too amused to push him away.

"Maybe you aren’t beyond help after all," Wade says in a mock-sweet tone.

Peter rolls his eyes, but before he can fire back, something over Wade’s shoulder catches his attention. One of the TVs mounted in the eating area behind them is playing the news.

His smile fades just slightly as he tunes in on the broadcast.

"Once again we are calling for anyone in the area to stay off of the streets until the threat is secured." Says the reporter, in the corner of the screen is video feed of what appears to be the knockoff Sinister Six (five?) facing off against a couple members of the Avengers.

It then cuts to a messy recording of Shocker, who lifts up a camera from the dusty ground to film himself, his staticky voice cuts through all of the audible fighting in the background. "Uh, hey guys. This is kinda awkward but we were actually kind-of waiting for Spider-Man to show up. Anyone happen to know where he might be today?" His query is soon interrupted by what appear to be the boots of Black Widow kicking his head into the ground, and the video ends in static before switching back to the newscaster.

Peter stiffens up. That was a great question! If the Avengers were already on top of this threat then why hadn't anyone called him yet?

He pulls back from Wade and quickly starts patting down his pants, then pauses. Oh, right. "Crap! My special phone!" He says in exasperation, slapping a hand over his forehead. He really needed to get a new one, totes irresponsible. He adds that to his long to-do list.

First day back from mini-hibernation wasn't exactly on easy mode, but guess that's just Parker Luck for you. He weighs the pros and cons of sneaking in a power-nap before jumping in to help.

"Don't worry, he's just a dealer." Wade whispers, and Peter looks over to see him jerking his thumb in Peter's direction and offering a wink to a confused onlooker. How that was better than whatever they might have assumed from Peter's outburst was something he couldn't process right now. He moves to grab onto Wade's arm and tug him towards the exit, "We gotta go." He tells him resolutely.

Wade pulls back slightly, "But, Honey-Bun, are you forgetting something?" He asks as he starts gesturing to himself, then to Peter, then launching into miming a whole bunch of nonsense that make absolutely no sense at all. Did he need to pee or something?

"We can play Geusstures later, Wade! Let's go!" He insists, grabbing his arm and pulling him toward the exit. Wade drags his feet the whole way, and Peter chooses to ignore him as he makes sassy motions about Peter at the people they pass on their way out.

Luckily enough, Peter always had the foresight to wear his Spider-Man costume underneath his regular clothes. Once they make it outside, he moves the two of them into an empty spot by the dumpsters and takes a quick peek around before he starts unbuttoning his shirt to reveal his suit underneath.

A high-pitched squeaking noise sounds and Peter looks up to see Wade once again gesturing erratically to him.

"What?" Peter deadpans, only to be met with even more confusing and potentially meaningless movements. Apparently at some point he decided they were playing the miming game.

"Use your words, Wade." Peter instructs, rolling his eyes. Wade nods resolutely, then unzips his mouth and leans back against one of the dumpsters with a sly smirk as he purrs. "So, how are we doing thi-"

Peter's face heats up and he immediately pushes the man (maybe with a little spider-strength) out of his safe dumpster-zone. "Get ready, jackass. We've got work to do." He gripes at the man, then retreats back away from prying eyes to finish changing into his suit.

Once he finishes (Peter has perfected the art of changing into his Spidey-Suit in no more than thirty seconds) and webs his clothes behind one of the dumpsters, he steps out only to find Wade gone. He mentally smacks himself on the head for leaving the man unattended for more than ten seconds, and now realizes he'll need to hunt him down.

Luckily, Peter is only looking for a little bit before a finger taps him on the shoulder, nearly shocking him out of his suit. What he is met with is an ungodly sight.

"You're forgetting the hyphen!" Wade's familiar voice says in a nasally voice with a lisp as he holds a finger up in the air. Only, instead of wearing his earlier clothes he is dressed in a suit very similar to Spider-Man's own. Just lower in quality, which you can tell by the numerous splits and tears where it is too small to fit around Wade's frame. The mask only fits halfway over his head, revealing a way-too-proud grin, and the gloves are so small that he genuinely shoved each of his fingers through the ends of them.

"I don't say that." Peter responds automatically, knowing full-well he does. But he's too busy processing his horror to be truly offended at the moment.

"Sure ya do, bud!" Wade smacks him on the shoulder, back to his regular voice, then pulls back to strike a pose. "So, whaddya think? Hawt, right? Don't tell me you're too attracted though, you little animal. Self-ce-" Bla bla bla bla bla. Wade's voice fades to gibberish as Peter tilts his head to look behind him and see a lanky teenage boy with hat hair counting out a mad stack of cash.

He turns squinted lenses onto Wade and places his hands on his hips. "Really?" He asks.

He simply responds with an innocent shrug and the same annoying grin. "There weren't any Deadpools."

Before Peter can offer one of his many better solutions to finding a costume, Wade rushes on. "There's no time, let's go!" He instructs, then moves behind Peter to grab onto his shoulders and lift one leg up to be carried piggy-back style. "Onward, steed!" He commands, pointing out in front of them.

Peter pushes him off then turns to level him with a deadpan expression. "You've got webshooters, use 'em." He snarks, pointing to the two clunky bracelets around his wrists.

Wade frowns deeply but pulls back to observe his wrists, then presses a button on one to send out a wimpy strand of silly string.

Peter attempts to keep a disciplinary poker-face, but a smile cracks on his face. He then lets out a chuckle, and in an instant he's doubled over laughing at the scene. Once he manages to look up he sees Wade standing there looking genuinely bummed and offended, and it only makes him laugh harder.

However, his increasing offense instantly changes once Peter motions him onto his back. Wade excitedly complies, moving to wrap his arms around and legs tightly around Peter's midsection like a baby koala. Peter straightens up, trying to get his laughter under control as he slips a hand under his mask to wipe away a tear.

"Oh man, that was great." He says through a breathless chuckle.

Wade lifts his head, tone playful as he asks, "You sure you don't want to slip into the cosplay competition quick? I think it's in about-" He lifts up his wrist to reveal a watch on the back of one of his web-shooters, and Peter has choke down another fit of laughter at the sight. Maybe the costume was actually higher-quality than his own!

"-Twelve minutes." Wade finishes, grinning at Peter expectantly with a tempting bounce of his eyebrows.

"I think I'll pass, bud. You'd totally show me up, I don't think I can handle that kind of shame." He teases, earning a burst of giggles.

Spider-Man shoots a web up at a nearby building, tugging at it lightly before tilting his head back at his passenger. "No wiggling," He instructs, knowing it's a fruitless request. Wade gives him a shit-eating grin.

Chapter Text

Spider-Man's jaw clicks together harshly as he misses his landing and instead connects his chin with the top of the chimney, soon after falling backwards onto the roof due to yet another shift in his momentum. The two roll backwards a couple of times before collapsing in a pile of limbs. It would be almost comical if it didn't hurt like a female dog.

Peter groans and pulls himself to a sitting position, moving to lift his mask so he can spit out blood and what appears to be a little bit of tooth to the side. He rubs his jaw uncomfortably and narrows his eyes at the mess. At least his healing factor covered dentist bills.

The heap on the ground next to Spider-Man immediately shoots up and moves to grab his face, Peter automatically moving back and wincing in pain.

"Are you hurt, Spidey?" Wade asks in panic, then attempts to pry open his jaw by (at least somewhat gently) moving apart his chin and nose to view the inside of his mouth.

"Lemme kiss it!" He insists, and Peter has to back up as he leans in and starts making obnoxious kissing noises, even adding in a wiggle of the tongue and an evil cackle.

Peter's face heats up and he pushes the man off of himself harshly. He might also use a little bit of his Spidey-Strength to send him tumbling backwards, "Get off me, man!" He gripes, attempting to hold back a laugh of his own.

Then, a new voice cuts in from somewhere above and behind them. "Aren't you supposed to be graceful?" They ask with a snarky edge of amusement.

Peter looks over his shoulder to see Stark- face mask up and fully decked out in his Iron Man suit- hovering there. He gives a sheepish shrug.

"Missed my ballet lessons." He jokes, but Stark attention is now directed behind him, face contorted in disgust.

"Mother Teresa! What is that you've got clinging onto you?" He asks in horror, obviously referring to the knockoff Spidey seated near him.

"Hey now, watch that tone, mister! He has feelings, too!" Wade admonishes, then he shoots to his feet and gives Peter a gentle kick as he puffs out his chest proudly. "I picked this little fella up off the side'a the street! All thanks to the mighty Spider distribution system." He then leans forward and blocks the side of his mouth with a hand as he stage-whispers. "Still need to give him a bath, though. Try not to mention it."

Peter chokes out a surprised laugh then punches him in the leg. "Who's talkin'? From the guy who calls his natural musk eau de sweat and rot?" He quotes Wade from a past conversation with amusement.

Wade pulls his leg up towards himself once hit and clutches onto it. "Owwww!" He wails, very over-dramatically. "Okay, I take it back Baby-Cakes, you smell like angels and fairy dust. Just please leave the kids out of this!" He whimpers, undoubtedly blinking big pouting eyes down at him through the mask. Apparently now they were in an abusive marriage. Whatever. Peter rolls his eyes and moves his hand back for another smack to threaten him into stopping his dramatics. They both flinch forward challengingly.

A smirk in his voice, Tony's voice pipes back in, "Nah, you were right the first time."

Peter whips his head to the man and chokes on air in disbelief. However, the metal menace (ha!) has his mask back on so he can't even get a read on his expression, just feel the smugness radiating off of him. Did one of the richest men in the world just say he stank?

Before Peter can feebly defend his natural musk (maybe he should invest in a new deodorant?), a fourth voice adds to the mix as Black Widow creeps up to join them on the roof. "If you-" She starts, and then suddenly stops in her tracks. "Holy…"

The woman is stuck in place for a moment as she observes Deadpool, mostly expressionless but brinking on disturbed as she analyzes the sight. Wade starts casually making Spider-Man-like poses (extending his arms out like he's shooting webs, crouching on the ground- …Crawling on all fours?) as the two of them stare at her with a similar air of seriousness, waiting for her to break.

And just like that, Widow is back to her stoic self. "Spider-Man. They're asking for you." She says, gesturing behind herself with a thumb.

Wade and Peter both let out a puff of air and drop their shoulders in disbelief.

"Really? Nothing?" Deadpool asks skeptically, met with no response.

Peter moves to look behind Natasha at the scene below, but he can't catch a glimpse from his current position. However, judging from the unserious atmosphere put off by Stark and the general lack of fighting noises, it seems things at least cooled down a bit. "Right- Sorry 'bout that y'all. Phone broke again." He shrugs with half-hearted apology, met by a groan from both Stark and Natasha.

Yea so, maybe this was a regular problem.

From next to him, Wade shoots out another spritz of silly string from his web-shooter while pointedly staring at Widow and waits. She shows no reaction.

He drops his shoulders with a sigh and shakes his head disappointedly. "You're unbreakable, ma'am." He says, and Natasha responds with a shrug (and Peter can swear he sees the shadow of a smirk) before disappearing over the edge of the building.

Tony, on the other hand, starts cackling at the sight as he backs up after her.

Spider-Man moves to the edge of the roof, finally taking in the scene below them. The street looks like a total mess, with many (empty) cars bashed in and chunks taken out of the street and nearby buildings. For now, though, all is relatively silent.

In the middle of the mess stands Boomerang, the current leader of the Sinister Six. Or- at least, he probably was. All these villain relations were really a bit much for Peter to keep up on, they were always switching around. Right now he was pretty sure their team was made up of 5 members, actually. Totally weird that they didn't just change their name. They really couldn't have thought of something better?

"Fearsome Five? There, I did it easy!" Wade pipes up from beside Peter. Apparently he was speaking out loud again, oops.

That did have a ring to it.

Spider-Man crosses his arms and cocks his head at the villain 10 or so stories below him. "In the wise words of Mariah Carey: Why you so obsessed with me? Boy I wanna know." He shouts down.

Boomerang looks up from where he is tapping his foot and brushing dust off of his suit in pure boredom, perking up at the sight of the hero above him. "Spider-Man, about time! Were you at the salon or something?" He shouts back with a snarky grin. "Took ya long enough!"

"Yup!" Spider-Man sings cheerily, holding one hand out in front of him on display and using the other to frame his mouth as he shouts, "Just got my nails done!" He wiggles his fingers out in front of himself to show his gloves off. Wade snickers giddily next to him.

"Well maybe you should ask for a refund, you're almost looking as bad as your friend over there!" Boomerang calls back in mock-sympathy.

"Ooh, are we doing disses?" Deadpool whispers to Peter, excitedly bouncing on his heels. "I wanna join in too!" He gushes, then stands up tall and frames a hand around his mouth before shouting, "YO MAMA SO-"

"I would like to remind the jury that there are quite a few civilians at risk before anyone deals any more disses out." Cuts in the sarcastic drawl of Iron man, who flies up to cut between their catfight, the eye-roll practically audible.

At the mention, Peter looks around for the mentioned civilians, his eyes now landing on a uncomfortable looking group of 10 or so people, all surrounded by the remaining four members of the Fearsome Five (yes he was changing their name for them). So that's where they were.

"Right, sorry." He says to Iron Man, then yells down at the civilians. "Sorry guys!"

"It's okay, Spider-Man. You tell 'im what's what!" A man from below yells up, and Peter recognizes him as the gas station owner he helped with a few petty robberies. Nice guy. Gave him free energy drinks on occasion.

Man, was Peter slipping lately or what? He was too distracted by the unserious atmosphere to take in the actual seriousness of the situation. Of course it made sense they stopped fighting because hostages were taken. He smacks himself in his own face in exasperation.

Wade sidles up next to him and whispers seriously in his ear. "I kid you not, if Iron Tits hadn't interrupted, then Mr. Australia would've been out cold from pure psychic damage and those civilians would have nothing to worry about!" He assures him.

"Why so high up, Spiderman? You scared?" Boomerang taunts from below.

Peter grits his teeth, he totally said it without the hyphen on purpose. He could hear it. He wants to correct him but Wade is right next to him, very badly hiding a knowing, expectant grin.

"Let's go." Peter says darkly, gesturing Wade to follow him onto the half-wall at the edge of the building, Stark moving out of their way to let them down. In one swift motion, Spider-Man grabs Wade around the waist so he's dangling from his arm and lowers them both down to the ground with a web, Wade letting out a surprised squeal and giggling the entire time.

Once his feet hit the pavement, Peter sets the large man down and walks to stand in front of Boomerang, placing a sassy hand on his hip. "So? What's this all about? If you wanted to talk to me so bad, couldn't ya have written a letter?" He asks sarcastically with an edge of annoyance.

"Nope! Couldn't find my pretty lace envelopes!" Boomerang responds cheerily. He then crosses his arms and levels Peter with a more serious but still naturally cocky look. "Listen Spider-Man, I know you're a busy guy. Obviously you don't have time for stopping super-villains in a timely manner-"

"Well, I wouldn't really say you're super." Peter interjects in annoyance, impatiently waiting for Boomerang's talk to be over so they can get to business.

"And that's exactly the point!" Boomerang bursts out, throwing his hands into the air in exasperation. He then moves to point a disappointed finger in Spider-Man's face. "People around here don't respect me! They don't see my status! And it's all because of you!"

Peter sighs, crossing his arms and looking away in boredom. "Please, I've heard this crud so many times. I'm sorry people are being mean to you. A criminal. Can we get to the part where I punch you in the face now?"

"Yes!" Boomerang says excitedly, a look of pure delight on his face, "Because that's actually what I'm here for! I'm challenging you to a duel. Mano a mano!"

Peter blanches at that. How many loose screws did this guy have exactly?

"Is your dorky hat giving you brain damage, man? You know I have super-strength, right?"

Undeterred, Boomerang persists with a twitch of his eyebrows. "Sure, but do you have super skills?"

Spider-man presses his fingers into his brow-bone to release some tension and shakes his head in exasperation. "This is stupi-"

Boomerang snaps and points over to his teammates who pointedly aim their weapons closer to the civilians' heads.

Peter stares agape at the scene, his Spider-Sense giving a bit of a whir, but it doesn't feel like a serious threat. Just some petty dispute and manipulation tactics, which this particular rag-tag group were prone to. Still, there was no way he was risking anyone's security.

"…Fine" He gives in with a grumble, scuffing his foot grumpily on the wrecked asphalt.

Boomerang slaps his hands together in determination. "Great! No weapons, no webs- All man!"

Wade then pipes up excitedly, rushing to hold onto Peter's shoulders as he kicks a leg back cheerfully. "Yay! I call slathering you both in baby oil so you're hot and shiny!"

Spider-Man pushes the man off of him, rolling his eyes. "It's not that kinda fight, Wade." He says, giving Boomerang a once over as he ignores Wade's booing behind him. He loosens up his limbs a little, then raises his fists in front of him uncertainly. "Okay, uh. Put up yer dukes, or whatever." He says, his voice lacking in confidence, unsure what exactly the man was wanting to try at here.

In response, Boomerang gives a shit-eating grin and wastes no time in darting forward and aiming a powerful punch right at Peter's head. Unfortunate for the man, his Spider-Sense kicks in and he darts quickly out of the way, ramming backward into Wade's chest.

Said man gives a quick massage to his shoulders then an encouraging smack on his shoulder. "Close call! You've got this, man! Get your head in the game." He says, apparently acting as Peter's corner crew now. He then pushes him back into the "ring" again, aiming another supportive smack at his ass, which Peter dodges last second.

He turns an annoyed look on a cheeky Wade, "Would you-" He starts, but is quickly cut off as he just narrowly dodges another well-aimed kick. This is quickly followed but a long flurry of attacks, which Spider-Man dodges with little-to-no effort.

"What's up Spidey? Not gonna fight back?" Boomerang taunts, looking thrilled in spite of the fact that none of his attacks have landed yet. Spider-Man frowns uncertainly at the man as he dodges another rush forward.

He could end this easily if he just used a fraction of his strength to knock the man out, but he's unsure what that will mean for the safety of the civilians nearby. They seemed to be safe as long as he was engaged in combat with Boomerang, per his request, but what would the rest of the Fearsome Five do once their boss was taken out? He just needed to buy time until he could figure something out, but only dodging would raise suspicions.

As Boomerang aims another punch to his throat, Spider-Man grabs onto his wrist and pulls his arm off to the side of his head, giving him a judgmental look. Boomerang returns this with an evil grin. "Glad you decided to join the party, Spider-Man!" He sneers, and with that he uses the hand next to Peter's ear to click something that lets of a scathing high-pitched noise.

Peter immediately kicks the man off of him and clutches at his ears, his hypersensitive hearing thoroughly overpowered and sending a jolt through his whole body.

"Mother freaking Teresa!" He grits out, squeezing his eyes shut and clutching at the sides of his head as he cringes through the feeling. He releases a hand to fumble with the edge of his mask so he can reach under and switch on the noise-cancelling functionality he built into his suit. He had the inspiration to add it in on a day where his senses were really acting up. It was really useful for sirens and gunfights when he needed to stay in the zone and not have his senses assaulted, like what had just happened.

Boomerang pulls himself to his feet, wiping a bit off blood off of his mouth with a boasting grin. "Ha! Not your favorite tune, Spidester? Y'know, I've been doing my research! Turns out your janky spider powers make you totally over-sensitive. That and your prissy-boy attitude, of course."

Spider-Man smacks the side of his head in attempt to rid the ringing from his ears (even though the actual sound has stopped) and glares over at the man. "That's cheating!" He admonishes.

Boomerang simply gives a shrug. "Hey, I just said no weapons or webs! This ain't count as either of those."

Spider-Man clenches his teeth and rolls his shoulders, trying to shake off the feeling as he shoots a quick concerned glance to the hostages. Everyone there, civilians and criminals alike, actually just looks pretty engaged in the fight. That includes Deadpool, who has sidled up next to the rest of them and has somehow procured a bucket of popcorn that he munches on and shares with the elderly woman next to him. Classic.

At least the hostages didn't seem scared out of their minds, many New Yorkians had the innate skill to treat life-threatening situations as an everyday deal.

"Man, you're a real jerk, y'know." Spider-Man sighs, turning back to Boomerang with a glare.

"Please! Can't blame me for having brains instead of just plain instincts, like some people!"

"I'm literally a scientist!" Okay so maybe it had been a hot minute since he did any official lab work, unless you counted teaching kids about the periodic table, but still.

"Nuff talk, are we fighting or not?" Boomerang crosses his arms and taps his foot impatiently.

Spidey grumbles, mockingly repeating his words under his breath, before he quickly moves into action and darts forward to throw out a punch.

Boomerang dodges the first time, but on the second punch Spider-Man hits him in the shoulder- not hard enough to break anything but hard enough to send him backwards. Boomerang counterracts this by grabbing onto Spider-Man's shoulder with his other hand and pulling himself forward so they're chest-to-chest.

Fully taken off-guard by this move, Peter flinches back to push him off, "What are you-" But before he can finish, Boomerang once again pushes on his dumb ol' high pitch noise device and quickly moves to grab at the edge of Peter's mask and wiggle it underneath so it's trapped between his mask and ear.

Peter's senses immediately explode in agony and he rushes to push Boomerang off of him. "Get off, you butt!" He yells, his own voice barely audible over the noise in his ear which he rushes to extract from his mask.

Boomerang then quickly returns his shove with a smack to the face, which only does more to piss Peter off.

"Stop that!" He yells, slapping Boomerang right back in his face. The man bares his teeth, then returns it again until the two men have devolved into having a full-on cat fight. If either of them had earrings or hair in the open, they would be getting pulled for sure.

"Knock it oof-"

Boomerang then mixes things up by throwing a punch right to his gut, causing Peter to keel over in surprise.

Through his haze and the unbearable ringing, he can just about make out the man calling out, "Shocker!"

Said man perks to action and tosses something in his direction.

Peter whips his head up and gives Boomerang a dirty look for the cheap punch, "You little-" He starts, promptly being cut off when a tub of… something, is dumped over his head.

A glob of it falls to the ground, appearing to have a pink hue and glittering in the streetlights. All of a sudden, time seems to stop and Peter finally manages to wiggle the pain-in-the-ass noise device out of his mask, finally getting it to fall silent. Everything feels so quiet, he imagines he'd be able to hear crickets if it weren't for the tinnitus continuing to plague his hearing.

"Is that… Slime?" He asks, slowly moving his head up to view the man in front of him and furrowing his brows in disbelief. "Is that what you guys get up to making when you're in your creepy headquarters?"

Instead of answering Spidey's very important and relevant question, Boomerang flashes a proud smile and holds up his hand in a peace sign. "Weakness #2: You get super icked out when your suit gets dirty!" Peter feels his jaw clench up in annoyance at that.

"Cheap shot! Booooo! Get 'im outta there!" Wade heckles helpfully from the sidelines, which Peter sort of appreciates, knowing that at least someone seems to care about keeping a clean fight (pun intended).

Boomerang continues by placing a hand on his hip and holding the other out in a shrug, looking way too cocky for someone whose weapon of choice was something you could find in an arts-and-crafts bin. "What can I say, Spider-Man? Everyone may think you're operating at a higher level than our group, but you have just as many- if not more!- weaknesses as the rest of us. Soon, everyone's gonna see that! Because of me!" He almost looks giddy as he points behind Peter, who follows his finger to see Speed Demon semi-discreetly recording them with a phone a distance away from the rest of the gang.

Peter turns back to Boomerang, struggling to process just how stupid this situation is as the disgusting feeling of slime starts to seep through his costume. All this- the property damage, the threatening innocent civilians, the pulling Peter out of a rare occurrence of hanging out with someone after work- was just a feeble attempt of Boomerang repairing his paper-thin ego.

The flicker of annoyance he was feeling earlier now surges through him like lava- hot, fast, and impossible to hold back. Before he even knows what he's doing, his fist connects squarely with Boomerang's smug face and sends him flying across the street to slam into the far wall.

Peter cringes in on himself once more as a high wolf-whistle sounds through the ringing in his ears. "Dreamy!" Comes Stark's sarcastic drawl from somewhere above where he's busy being totally unhelpful.

"I know RIGHT?" Wade's chimes in, his voice full of glee, "Like, waiter waiter, me next please!"

Spider-Man turns a confused look on the man. He is full-on swooning, hands framing his face and one leg kicked up like a smitten schoolgirl.

Then Peter's overtaxed brain finally catches up to what just happened. His head whips around toward the crumpled heap lying at the far end of the street.

"Crap!"

He rushes forward to Boomerang's limp body to feel for a pulse, his form appearing bit blurry due to the substance dripping over his lenses.

To Spider-Man's slight relief, Boomerang shifts under him, letting out a blood-curdled groan.

"Ow."

"I don't think this plan is working, boss." Shocker pipes up from nearby, voice tinged in anxiety.

"Damn right it's not working!" Boomerang snaps intensely, as if his rage has brought energy back into his bones- only to break into a fit of wet, gurgling coughs. With shaky effort, he raises a finger to point accusingly at Speed Demon. "Delete that video!"

"On it!" The addressed man affirms, only to look down at his empty hands. His brow furrows in confusion as he starts patting himself down, twisting around like he’s misplaced his phone in the last five seconds.

"Plan B, guys." Boomerang gurgles at a barely audible level before his arm drops suddenly and his head lolls back as he passes out.

Spider-Man braces himself, snapping his head toward the rest of the Fearsome Five, who are still clustered around the hostages. The three start to advance, moving in with an almost cartoonishly villainous swagger- clearly gearing up to launch whatever half-baked backup plan they’d come up with.

But then, a sharp click cuts through the air.

They freeze.

Spider-Man quickly wipes the gunk from his lenses, clearing the blur just in time to see Deadpool standing behind them. One arm is wrapped tightly around Beetle’s neck, a gun pressed into the back of Overdrive’s. With his other hand, he’s got a second gun aimed squarely at Shocker’s temple.

He must’ve swiped their weapons while they were distracted. Spider-Man mentally adds “pickpocket” to Wade’s skill sheet. A wave of unexpected gratitude washes over him, his shoulders sagging just slightly in relief.

The hostages, obviously noting the change in dynamics, nervously start to back up before running away to cover.

"Plan B, huh? Yea I'm pretty sure that stands for… Plan Beeee-have or I shoot you in the skull!" Wade warns them cheerfully, shoving the gun even more harshly into Shocker's head, who's face is puckered up so much it shows through the mask. There may be a sweat-stain forming there, too.

"Speed Demon..!" Beetle grits out quietly, equal mix of pleading and pissed off.

"On it-" He drawls coyly, and starts to rush forward before tripping mid-dash and bashing his head straight into the wall.

One look down can reveal that his shoelaces have been tied together.

Wade immediately bursts out laughing hysterically, slapping the hand with the gun to his head. "Oh man, I can't believe that worked AGAIN!" He wipes a fake tear from his eyes and he looks over to Spider-Man and wheezes out through his laughter, "Gets them every time, eh Webs?"

Spidey's initial shock wanes off, replaced by the feeling of laughter bubbling up inside of him. Relieved that the civilians escaped and things seem to be covered by his partner, he allows him to laugh along about the ridiculousness of the situation.

"Shocker-" A hiss cuts through their quickly escalating giggle-fit, and Peter and Wade whip their heads over at the same speed to see Beetle pointedly glaring at the aforementioned man. Shocker no longer has a gun pointed at his head and is looking panickedly between Beetle and Wade, who is still holding his gun-hand up against his own head from his laughter that is now trickling off.

In an instant, Wade flicks the gun back to Shocker's head, but not before the man throws his hand out and sends Deadpool flying back with a burst of his energy. His teammates are caught in the friendly-fire, flying forward and getting a face full of gravel.

"I think now's when you yell 'get them', second-boss." Speed Demon groans, lifting his head groggily from where he fell against the wall.

Beetle lifts her own head with a groan, then grits her teeth in annoyance. "Get them!" She barks out. All at once, the group of heroes and criminals (minus Boomerang) move into action. Speed Demon pulls himself up from his spot and- in a flash- fixes up his shoes and snatches the guns from Wade, back into criminal custody. Overdrive also books it to his vehicle waiting on stand-by, which now appears to have an unsavory number of guns mounted to it.

Iron Man and Widow also drop into the fray, with Clint offering sniper assistance from a rooftop. All-in-all, it turns into a full mess, and Spider-Man and Deadpool soon gravitate towards each other out of habit to cover each other's backs as attacks rain down from all directions.

Deadpool tilts his head back over his shoulder to yell to Spider-Man, "Hey Spidey, remember when you punched Boomer in the face? Can you do something like that again?"

Spider-Man grabs him around the waist and swings them up away from one of Shocker's shock blasts.

You're so weird." He says, giving the man a judgy look, then takes note of Deadpool's full situation. He has the Transformers gauntlet Spider-Man gave him earlier, and is using it to shoot pellets at Beetle, who is engaged in combat with Iron Man in the air. Obviously, it doesn't seem to do much damage, and simply annoys the dueling duo as strays fly into Iron Man's suit as well.

He whips his head around, "Can you knock it off, Deadpool?" Tony growls out.

Deadpool holds his arms up (as much as he can while clinging to Spider-Man so he doesn't splat onto the pavement below) in a 'what-can-you-do' gesture, grinning cheekily under his mask. "Sorry! The scope on this thing sucks."

Peter turns a confused look on him. "Didn't you leave that at home?" He asks.

"How could I not be with this at all times everywhere?" Wade asks incredulously, turning wide masked eyes on him.

Just then, Peter's Spidey-Sense goes off when Shocker aims another burst at them, and he swings them to a different wall.

"I'm normally not the one to purposely point you in the direction of weapons, but didn't you have a lightsaber on you?"

"Oh, Right!" Wade squeals excitedly, pulling out his lightsaber from God-knows-where. He offers Spidey a little salute. "Send me down, Cap!"

Spider-Man smirks, complying with the man's request as he launches a web to a building across the street and flings them up over the brawl. Midair, he adjusts his grip on Wade's waist so he can toss him right at Overdrive like a javelin.

Wade ignites the lightsaber mid-flight, grinning like a maniac. With a satisfying crunch and a burst of sparks, the blade punches through Overdrive’s windshield, startling him into swerving hard and right into a light pole.

Peter swings in just behind, landing on top of the now-wobbling streetlight. Below, Wade plants his feet on the hood and raises the lightsaber above his head intimidatingly.

“Welcome to the dark side, bitch!” He spits with a feral grin.

"Light side!" Peter corrects.

"Welcome to the light side, bitch!"

Luckily with the Spider-Man, Deadpool, and the strange pickings of the Avengers' combined strength, the Fearsome Five didn't stand much of a chance, and they had all of them incapacitated in not much time at all. Still, Peter felt his body weighing on him immensely by the end of it, panting from the exertion. He blames it on the ridiculous sensory attacks- and the overall overstimulating day after he'd just returned from mini-hibernation. He was usually better than this, promise.

He and Deadpool once again stand back-to-back, surveying the scene to make sure everything seems secure. Off in a corner, Stark drops a webbed-up Beetle down onto a pile of her friends while Widow crouches next to the pile, easing off Shocker's gauntlets. Deadpool gives a gentle kick to the crumpled up Speed Demon next to him, who responds with an unconscious groan.

Peter then picks up on the gentle sound of a graceful landing and turns his head to squint over to see Miles standing there. He looks around frantically, panting as if he rushed there, then throws his hands up in the air in exasperation.

"CRUD! Don't tell me I missed it???"

Peter winces slightly at the volume, but gives the kid an awkward wave and says in a careful tone, "You… didn't miss it?" He grins sheepishly and shrugs.

Miles throws his head back into his hands and groans. "Man! I knew I wouldn't make it! We had relatives over so Mom wouldn't let me out her sight till we finished up dinner." Peter chuckles knowingly, having been through the same difficulties with Aunt May making sure he finished up before he could go off Spider-Manning.

Miles removes his head from his hands and pauses, then a laugh bursts out of him as he points at Wade. "Diggin' the look, DP. You really decided to play into that whole 'Knockoff Spidey' thing, huh?"

"Ha, ha!" Wade laughs sarcastically, obviously rolling his eyes under the mask. He then reaches into wherever his suit supposedly has pockets and drops something into Miles' hands.

Miles takes it and holds it out, revealing a bracelet similar to Peter's with mostly black and blue colors.

"Luna!" Wade says proudly, then shoots finger-guns at Miles as he clarifies, "And not because you're Black!"

"Sick! Thanks, man!" Miles beams, pulling it onto his wrist.

Peter has to wonder what the two of them got up to in the short time he was gone. He knew they patrolled together at least once, but was that enough to earn friendship-bracelet status?

Though, Peter supposed it didn't take long at all before he got his. He snorts a quiet laugh and watches as the two engage in conversation, acting like two regular buds catching up after a long day.

"-lso I totally convinced your old man to get TikTok today! You should add him, I think we'll need to duo-team it if we wanna try to get him cultured!"

It's then that the rest of the heroes roll up to where they stand.

Clint, who had earlier been staked up on the roofs above with his bow and arrow and had not gotten a close look at Deadpool, furrows his brows uneasily as he takes in the man's ridiculous getup. "Who is that?"

Wade takes this as his moment, immediately cutting off his train of thought as he points to himself proudly with a thumb. "It's me, Spiderman!"

Peter shoots him a sidelong glance.

"Spider-Man." Wade quickly corrects himself, doing his best to look serious, then breaks into a pleased grin. "Bet you can't tell us apart!" He sings, then wraps his arms around the other two spider-men and pulls them close. Peter winces as the friction brings his attention back to the horrible feeling of the slime seeping into his suit.

"You have no idea how easy it is to tell you apart." Stark supplies with a deadpan expression, and Widow looks thoroughly unimpressed while Clint still looks confused.

Wade then clears his throat, adjusting his collar, before straightening out and pointing a finger in the air. He speaks with the nasally lisp he used when he was impersonating Peter earlier, except even more pronounced this time so he sounds closer to Daffy Duck. "With great power comes great responsibility!"

Peter narrows his eyes at the man, about to tell him off once again for sounding absolutely nothing like him, before Natasha cuts in first.

"You know, I see it." She says simply, narrowing her eyes in thought.

Peter's jaw literally drops open in shock as the rest of them add their agreement, Clint even moving to give Wade a high-five. He did not sound like that! First Stark saying he smelled and now this? How many blows to his psyche could he take today?

Peter struggles to think of something to say to defend himself as Wade glances over to him with a smirk and brow wiggle and Miles laughs as he attempts to recreate Wade's impersonation. But before he can even start, Iron Man claps his hands together with a finality.

"Right, well this wasn't even slightly worth my time. I've got about 12 other countries waiting on me right now." He booms. Ever the cocky billionaire.

As he hovers up off the ground and turns to leave, he looks back over his shoulder at Peter to add, "Maybe invest in a case, Spider-Man."

"It- It got wet" Peter starts fruitlessly, but he is met with no acknowledgement as the man leaves, Black Widow and Clint trailing after him with a wave. On his teachers salary he might need to pay in installments for a CASE alone. Peter drops his shoulders with a sigh and feels all the weight from the day continue to bear down on him.

Now that the adrenaline was wearing off, his senses are starting to feel even more unbearable. The sensation of the slime seeping into his suit was bordering on unbearable, and he just knew the glitter would be a colossal pain to get out. Plus, it chafed. Don't ask how he knew.

Maybe he should have let Boomerang knock him out so he could take a little nap.

"Well, I'm out I guess." Miles says with a defeated sigh, obviously bummed that he couldn't take part in any action today, but still sporadically laughing to himself about Wade's impression through it so Peter didn't feel that bad.

"See ya 'round, Spider-Kid! You'll get 'em next time, Tiger!" Wade cheers him off, but all Peter can manage is a tired wave.

The sound of approaching sirens starts beating into his skull. Looks like the liquid messed with his noise cancelling. He really needed to waterproof his suit. He had already made this change in the past, but unfortunately his upgraded suit had been totaled in a rather rough fight so he had to settle on an outdated backup. And he- surprise, surprise- hadn't had the money to upgrade again. Now how lame would it be if Spider-Man made a GoFundMe?

"All good, Bugaboo?" Wade asks, sidling up next to him. Spider-Man cringes, his relatively quiet voice somehow way too loud now that his hyper senses were really kicking in.

"Not now, Wade" Peter grits out, wishing he added in that hair window so he could pull at it, instead settling for grasping at his (slimy!) mask.

He expects more but instead Wade stands there nervously twiddling his fingers. Peter squints at him expectantly, then gives in with a tired, "What?"

"You're mad." 

Peter tilts a brow at that response, and opens his mouth to respond. He wasn't necessarily mad. Maybe irritated and pissed off, but-

"White says it's our fault for asking you to hang out when you were already tired!" He bursts out, waving his hands out in front of him in meaningless, erratic gestures.

White? Since when did they meet anyone with that name between now and the con?

Before he can ask, Wade continues in his fretting, voice gradually growing more agitated. "I should have offered to cover patrol again or something so you could stay home. 'Stead I stressed you out more!" He throws his hands in the air and Peter narrowly avoids getting smacked. "Aw man, totes tool behavior! 'Tool Pool, that's what they call me."

"Wade." Peter cuts the man off before he can ramble any longer, his voice edged in mild irritation, but the sight of the man whipping big, pouty eyes on him relieves some of his tension. "It's fine." He assures, somehow settling on a warm smile.

Wade doesn't seem convinced, but he drops his hands from his head and waits expectantly like a pouting dog, so Peter continues on.

"I had fun today. It just so happens that now I'm just tired and grumpy, and need a nap." He goes for a self-deprecating chuckle, which is cut off with a groan when he remembers he'll need to swing him in his horrible slimy suit. "Not to mention a shower."

He can feel some of the glitter chafing at his leg into his leg and shakes it out with a shiver. "Man, I wish that guy just beat me to a pulp instead. At least then I could just sleep behind some nearby dumpster instead of needing to go home and change. Not looking forward to swinging back."

Regardless, he shakes his limbs out a bit, as if that would help him get rid of any uncomfortable sensations, and stretches his back before turning to leave. "Well, see ya tomorrow?" He asks, looking over his shoulder for confirmation.

"Wait!" Wade blurts out quickly, his voice higher than usual. He steps forward instinctively, reaching a hand out- then pulling it back just as fast to wring his hands together. "Wh-what if you, um... Come over!"

Peter startles at this, but turns fully and tilts his head curiously for the man to continue.

"I mean, my house isn't too far, and I got my boy Dopinder on standby so he can just drive us there! You can use my shower and… That way you don't need to swing home or anything and I'll be like totally chill and calm so you can just chillax."

Peter clenches his jaw as he thinks over this offer. While he did most favor the idea of just getting back to his place as soon as possible and conking out (maybe also catching up on some work stuff), the idea of a nice, warm taxi did sound favorable to swinging home right around now.

He scratches the back of his neck uncertainly. "I dunno, wouldn't we be keeping Ellie up?" He feels around the util belt in his suit for his phone to check the time, then mentally smacks himself as he remembers he left it webbed up with his clothes behind the convention center.

He'd definitely need to get that later. Adding it to the list.

Wade brightens up at Peter's non-rejection, gesturing his hands in the air excitedly. "Don't worry 'bout it! Ellie's staying at her grandma's tonight!"

Peter winces as the sirens are just about pulled up on them, and he realizes they'll need to get out of there soon. He gives it one more moment's thought, before giving in with a shrug. "Yea alright, I'm down."

"YIPPEE!" Wade cheers, jumping up with his fist in the air and causing Peter to jerk away violently at the noise. "Best friend sleepover! This is gonna be so much fun! I'm gonna make you watch trash TV and we can paint each others' nails-"

"Now hang on, I didn't say anything about a slee-" Peter reaches out, but before he can finish Wade bounds off, excitedly pulling out his phone. "Lemme give Dopey a ring! Don't worry, shouldn't take long. He's just like a little speed demon, that guy!"

Peter lets his hand and head drop, stifling a groan. Maybe he was already regretting his decisions. So much for 'totally chill and calm'.

---

It turns out Wade's house is… unexpectedly normal. Like, there's various weapons scattered about and ornately framed posters of the Golden Girls among other things, but Peter was expecting like… I dunno. Filth and caged up unicorns and disco lights. He supposed he did have a daughter, though. But, still.

Wait, no. There was indeed a disco ball in the kitchen. Nice.

"Mi casa es tu casa, mi amigo arañito!"

Peter takes this moment to finally peel his soggy and crusting mask off of his face, cringing as it attempts to stick to his face.

He is immediately met with a muffled chuckle, and looks to see Wade with his hands over his mouth. "Your hair looks wild." He supplies, pointing at Peter's head as his mask squints expressively with an affectionate grin, like Peter's one of those street dogs that's so ugly and matted it's cute.

Peter sighs and attempts to scruff up his locks, but it's just all slimy and a lot of his hair is crusted together now. "Would you believe me if I told you this wasn't the first time I was attacked with pink glittery slime?"

Wade snorts, "I mean you did get attacked by a big Jello monster not long ago, so I'd expect nothing less."

"At least that didn't have glitter in it! This is gonna take me weeks to get out of my suit!" He puffs another exasperated sigh, though it turns into a short laugh at the thought.

"Not to mention they need more activator!" Wade says with the same disappointed tone, leaning heavily to the side as he crosses his arms and rolls his eyes at the ridiculousness.

Peter snorts, "You a slime expert?"

"I have a daughter! And whimsy! Of course I'm an expert, Spider-Man." Wade stresses his full (il)legal name for maximum emphasis on his disappointment. He then grins widely and pulls Peter by the arm down to the hall adjoining his living room/kitchen area, and kicks open the door to the bathroom.

"Let's get you cleaned up! Whaddya think, bubble bath? I have shark bath toys you can play with, and if I run fast enough I'm pretty sure I saw some neat bathtub markers at the corner shop down the road!"

Peter feels the corner of his mouth twitch up in a smirk, he attempts to tamp it down as he rolls his eyes instead. "I think I'll stick with a shower, thanks Wade."

Wade blows a raspberry and places a hand on his hip, "You would say that, nerd." He then raises another finger into the air and puts on his horrible Spider-Man voice, "Ackshally, baths are like low-grade bacterial soups-"

This startles a laugh from Peter, and before he can deliver Wade a rightful smack, the man dodges, clutching onto the doorframe with a sweet smile. "Better get started, Hunny-Bunches! Towels in the closet, I'll leave you clothes by the door."

"Whatever, jerk." Peter growls, glaring after him and slamming the door closed after him as he suppresses another chuckle.

Baths weren't actually as dirty as some people thought. But that didn't mean Peter didn't feel like he was stewing in his own filth.

The stream of (hot! Looks like someone's water heater didn't suck!) water provides Peter with sweet relief as all the slime and grime from the day washes down the drain (and hopefully doesn't clog it). He spends about 5 minutes trying to get all of the glitter out of his hair, but he bets he'll still come out of the shower sparkling like Edward.

I mean, it was his skin that sparkled, not his hair, but you get the point.

Once he shuts the hot water off, he rushes to put a towel on and grab the clothes Wade left outside, very glad to find a soft, thick sweater and sweatpants. He's slightly less glad when he looks in the mirror and realizes the sweater has a Deadpool logo on it. How much merch of himself did this guy have? It felt like he was trying to indoctrinate others into his fanclub/cult.

Whatever, he could rep a crime-fighting bro. Plus, it was way comfy.

When Peter emerges from the bathroom, feeling sufficiently relaxed from his shower, he is met with a whirlwind of a man bouncing from the TV to kicking mess under the couch to doing literally anything that would keep himself busy. Upon noticing Peter with the click of the door, Wade perks up.

"Petey!" He calls, "Look at you all clean as a whistle! What do you wanna watch first- F-Boy Island or the Trolls trilogy? You can see without your glasses, right?" He sits on the couch then immediately bounces to his feet again as his eyes widen excitedly. "Ooh! I tried a new recipe the other day, Skittles upside-down cake! Wanna try it? I'll get you a slice." And with that he starts to head into the kitchen.

Peter just stands stuck there, unsure where to start with the volley of questions. He walks into the living room uncertainly, starting with, "They're non-prescription." Then, for clarification adds, "I'm not staying for long."

Wade gives him a big thumbs-down from where he stands at the counter. "Booo! At least stay for an episode and cake!" He urges, pulling open a tray to reveal the leftovers of his creation and grabbing a knife.

Peter hesitates, watching the man slice into it. He was really hungry, his stomach now making itself very peevishly known at the sight of food. Plus, he hadn't gone grocery shopping in a while. (Though he did still have about 5 tupperware of soup left in his fridge from this morning. Was Wade becoming his primary food source? …)

He looks to the ceiling for a moment for guidance, then, with a shrug, takes a seat at the edge of the couch. "…Well, I can't be a bad houseguest, can I?"

Wade beams as he continues serving them up, then walks to the fridge and calls, "Anything to drink?"

"Um, tea, maybe?"

"On it!"

Peter watches him in his quest for a few moments, before remembering something from work earlier that he'd forgotten to bring up.

"Remember that robber we stopped the other day? Well, you stopped him, really. With your body. You stopped his car with your body."

Wade hums in assent as he sets clicks on his kettle, waiting for it to boil.

"Like I said, his daughter is one of my students. Well, she came into school today with a new window backpack and Minecraft Skechers. Her old stuff was pretty worn, zipper broke and all that. Told everyone Spider-Man left her dad money last night." Peter stresses this and pointedly looks to Wade for a reaction, but the man just continues putting tea bags into a couple of mugs. 

"Hm? I thought you were broke?" Is all he says.

Okay. One: rude that he would call him out on that. Two: How did he know he was broke? Other than Peter constantly relying on him for food and actually probably making it obvious.

"Yea, here's the thing, it wasn't me." Peter says, pointedly widening his eyes and staring Wade down in desire for a less nonchalant response.

"Really?" Wade asks unconvincingly, not offering any sign that he notices Peter's hinting. Seems he was still being weirdly resistant to owning up to his good deed. Oh well, Peter decides to plow on.

"Yea, and who do we know that often gets confused for me and has a lot of cash?"

Wade finally turns from where he was working on their drinks to face Peter, putting his fingers to his chin and looking to the ceiling in fake thought. "I dunno, Deathstroke?" Is what he settles on.

Peter drops his shoulders with a sigh. He had no clue who that was, but obviously Wade was set on not admitting to helping out. He was oddly secretive when it came to doing good things sometimes. And way too outspoken other times.

A small puff of fond laughter escapes him as he turns to sit back properly on the couch. Over time together he was finding out more and more how good of a guy Wade was, even if he was a weird and morally questionable one.

Wade finally emerges from the kitchen area and places two mugs on the coffee table, handing Peter a plate with cake which he accepts gratefully. The first bite is… Something special, to be honest. Maybe Skittles and cake didn't mix as well as you would think.

He casts a glance to the side at Wade, finally taking in the man's appearance as he starts explaining the show they're about to start in great detail (spoiler alert much?) and pulls it up on the TV. It seems he changed into clothes while Peter was in the shower. This time he opted for a simple baggy hoodie and sweatpants, but weirdly enough was still rocking the too-small Spider-Man mask from before.

"What's with the mask?" Peter asks, stopping Wade suddenly in his ramble as he stiffens up slightly.

"Nothing!" He rushes out quickly, then shoves another fork of cake in his mouth.

Uh. Seriously? If Peter didn't think anything was off before, then he definitely did now.

"That was way unconvincing dude." Peter says, leaning into his space slightly and levelling him with a deadpan look.

Wade meets his gaze and frowns deeply, starting to twiddle with his hoodie sleeves. His head quickly jerks to the side and he frowns even more, this time in annoyance. "No I'm not!" He defends, and quickly switches to shooting off irritated defenses Peter can't really follow. Talking to himself, then.

Peter observes as he plays with his sleeves, a nervous action in itself, then processes his rambling. A common thing for Deadpool, of course, but Peter was slowly realizing he had different kinds of rambling. There was the kind when he was purposely trying to annoy people to get a reaction, the kind where he was cheerful and excited to talk about anything and everything, and the kind where he had too much frantic energy and simply needed an outlet.

A smirk slowly grows on his face as he points a finger in the man's face, once again cutting off his rambling.

"You're nervous!" He teases wickedly.

"I said I'm NOT!" Wade cuts himself off again and whips his head back towards Peter to shoot back defensively.

Peter can't help the (evil) laughter that bubbles up in him. It was always a thrilling sight to see the usually shameless merc get genuinely nervous about something.

Wade shrinks in on himself and crosses his arms together, now quiet as his mouth droops in a pout.

Peter attempts to pull himself together as he smothers his chuckling, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. What should I say? Uh, it's a lovely place. Dig the framed posters. Very classy."

Peter can see the low lidded glower from under the mask.

"I'm serious! There's no need to worry alright. My place is a total dumpster fire compared to yours. Mystery stains everywhere, not a clean dish in sight. Promise!"

Deadpool still doesn't look convinced, giving him a good squinty-eyed stare, before turning back to the screen and ripping his mask off with a sigh. "I'm about to show you peak reality TV, okay? Make sure you pay attention."

Spider-Man smirks at his victory, but gives a salute and turns to at least pretend to watch the screen as he shoves another forkful of cake into his mouth. He winces at the flavor, then takes another bite. He was getting used to it.

Turns out, the show was more entertaining than Peter expected. Wade's constant commentary through it may or may not contribute to that, but he wouldn't admit it. One episode turns into two, and then a quick nail-painting sesh as they watch a third, and before he knows it, he forgot he was meant to go home in the first place.

---

Peter wakes up with a start. There is now a blanket over him, and the TV is still going, albiet at a lower volume. He blinks in the dim light and looks around for a clock, eyes settling on the stove to see it illuminating the time of 3:42. With that he lets out a groan and rubs his head, wondering if he should pull himself off of the couch and head home.

Then he senses movement on the couch again, likely what had woken him up in the first place. He shifts to sit up and notes Wade curled up against the opposite armrest and twitching in his sleep in a vaguely dog-like manner. Peter has to suppress a chuckle at the sight. Apparently he was so full of energy he couldn't even keep still in his sleep.

His smile drops slightly when he notes the unsettled grimace set into the man's features. Maybe a nightmare then? Peter drums his fingers along his own arm in thought, wondering if he should wake the man up. Instead, a sleep-fogged idea drifts in.

He grabs the remote and exits out of their current show, looking over to the framed Golden Girls poster and sending Bea Arthur a silent prayer. He then replaces it with an episode of said show, remembering Wade had mentioned several times it was his comfort show. Peter sits there transfixed for a few moments, thrown back to the old days when he would sit and watch it with May.

After a few minutes, he looks over again, and lo and behold, the man's features smooth out slightly, the knit in his brow disappeared. Peter smiles to himself proudly, shooting a wink over to Bea on the wall.

Once again, he casts a glance to the stove clock again in contemplation. Then shrugs, tosses his blanket over Wade's blanket-less form, and curls back against the armrest for sleep.

---

The next time Peter wakes up, it's to the warm feeling of sunlight on his face and the smothering feeling of a bundle of blankets shoved over him. His body feels relaxed in a way he hasn't felt in quite a while. He considers going back to sleep, eyes slowly blinking closed, then quickly shooting open again when he remembers he has work this morning.

He attempts to pull himself into a sitting position, wrestling one of his arms from the covers to rub at his eyes as he groggily blinks in the light. The scent of pancakes and bacon waft into his nose, and Peter quickly startles fully awake, sending several of the blankets to the floor as he attempts to pinpoint the source.

"Mornin', Petey!" A friendly voice calls from the kitchen. He blinks blearily in that direction and sees Wade standing by the stove, slicing strawberries on the counter. From the looseness in his shoulders and the calm smile on his face, Peter notices that opposed to his usually exuberant personality, Wade simply just looks relaxed this morning. A look he realizes he doesn't see on him as often.

"Smells good." Peter croaks, voice still rough from sleep.

"A big, hearty breakfast for my growing boy!" Wade says in a sickly sweet tone. Peter smiles and rolls his eyes.

"I stopped growing forever ago. At our age we're only gonna start shrinking soon." He covers his mouth as he yawns.

Wade clutches at his chest protectively, as if Peter has somehow violated him. "Don't say that!!! I'm gonna keep growing till I'm a hundred! Then I'll be big as Andre the Giant, you'll see!"

"Good luck shopping in the kids' section at Walmart after that."

Wade blows a raspberry and turns back to cooking his bacon. "How'd you sleep?"

Peter stretches out his arms. "Magnificent. I-"

A metallic rattle interrupts him. The sound of the door lock jiggling.

Both of them freeze. Eyes snap to the door, then to each other.

Wade drops the spatula with a clang and bolts toward the entrance. Peter sits there, looking around wildly, caught between panic and confusion. What was he supposed to do- vanish?

"Morning, Sunshine!" Wade chirps, plastering himself in the doorway. "Gramma didn’t drop you off at school today?"

If Ellie was there, it would probably be easier to explain Spider-Man in her house as opposed to her teacher. He looks frantically for his suit, wondering if he left it in the bathroom, before his eyes settle on said suit folded in a neat pile on the coffee table next to him. Wade must've put it in the wash when he wasn't looking. Nice!

"Left my backpack, can I come in?" Ellie asks in her no-nonsense tone, attempting to look past her father, who quickly moves to block her field of vision. "Well actually, uh-" But she pushes past, and Peter pulls his mask on in the nick of time.

She freezes in her tracks as soon as her eyes land on Spider-Man. Quickly, she raises her arm to point and yells to her dad, "SPIDER-MAN'S IN OUR HOUSE!"

Peter looks at Wade in surprise, not expecting the excitable behavior, and he just shrugs.

Peter clears his throat and stands up, awkwardly stretching out after his sleep as he pads over to meet them near the door.

"Hey, citizen." He puts on a slightly deeper voice, and cringes at the awkwardness. 'Citizen'? Seriously? "Your dad was just helping me out after a big fight we had."

There are stars in her eyes as she looks up at him. "Really?"

"Yea uh. Totally crazy fight. Full of…" Wade then starts gesturing behind him, and Peter follows along, confused. "Ninjas, and…" He drops his voice out of pure confusion as Wade then starts forming his hands into a cone shape and pointing to his head. "What is that? An ice cream cone?"

"Unicorns!" Wade bursts, as if keeping his words to himself were torture.

"Unicorns?" Peter and Ellie repeat in confusion at the same time.

Peter and Ellie share a glance, and he quickly corrects himself, putting back on his deep macho hero voice. "That's right. Unicorns are real."

Ellie looks to her dad in disbelief. "I thought you were lying about that!"

"Nah! 100% real and magical, Sweetness!" Wade assures brightly, giving Peter a not-so secretive thumbs-up and wink.

Satisfied with the situation, Peter clears his throat and gestures to the door. "Anyway… I'd better be on my way. Got uh. Crime to fight, and stuff." He waves awkwardly, moving to head past them out the door, but Wade quickly shoots an arm out to block him, and whips his head to his daughter.

"Would you excuse me and my co-worker for a moment?"

She gives him a weird look, but Wade ignores it and grabs Peter's arm, pulling him into the hall. "You sure you don't wanna stay for breakfast? You'll get to work faster if you just leave from here, I can just lend you some clothes." He asks in a hushed voice.

"Ah, are you sure? Isn't that like…" Peter trails off uncertainly, looking over at Wade's shoulder to see Ellie awkwardly taking a seat at the breakfast bar.

Wade leans in conspiratorially, blocking the side of his mouth with a hand (even though his daughter is behind him). "Between you and me? You'd actually be doing me a favor… Ellie tries to act nonchalant, but she's actually a huge fan."

Peter's mouth twitches up in amusement, judging by her reaction earlier she didn't always do the best at acting nonchalant.

Peter once again looks over Wade's shoulder at the girl in question, to see her fidgeting on her stool, twirling in circles and shifting from side to side. Her mannerisms are eerily similar to her father when he has too much nervous or excited energy and doesn't know what to do with himself. It was really easy to see the resemblance sometimes.

He feels a sense of endearment for the girl, a smile brought to his face, so he turns back to Wade and shrugs. "Sure, why not? I like food."

Wade smiles genuinely, looking at Peter with a look of pure appreciation that he's not used to seeing without the mask.

Peter squirms slightly under his gaze, almost feeling guilty for receiving a look like that for the simple act of staying to eat a breakfast that Wade had made. Had he really set the bar that low? Maybe he needed to work on not being a prick.

Suddenly, Wade startles. "Crap! The pancakes!" He cries, and rushes away in a panic to flip his pancakes, groaning in despair when it turns out they're black around the edges.

Peter hesitantly makes his way into the kitchen, pulling up a seat at the island next to Ellie. He can't help but feel nervous that she'll suss out his real identity as her teacher at this distance, but her eyes just move to him and stay transfixed in wonder as if she can't believe this is happening to her.

Breakfast progresses with Wade spinning grandiose tales about their adventures. Some have truth to them, and some are completely pulled out of his ass fantastical imagination.

Ellie spends the entire time staring at Spider-Man wide-eyed, occasionally asking him if her dad is telling the truth. He unfailingly offers his assent, just glad the pressure is on Wade for carrying the conversation.

Regardless of the simmering anxiety he has about being found out, it's quite nice sharing breakfast with other people in a homely setting like this.  It felt strangely domestic, like back when he lived with MJ, or Johnny, or would spend his mornings with Aunt May and her specialty wheatcakes.

A small flame of warmth ignites inside of him at the familiarity, until he comes to and quickly shakes the feeling off.

When her plate is empty (for the third time, ravenous appetite being another thing she seemed to have in common with her father) Ellie finally hops off the stool and runs to get her backpack.

"Don't leave just yet, missy!" Wade calls out. "I gotta make you your lunch! And say bye to Spider-Man first!"

Peter is taken off guard when Ellie rushes back to where he sits at the counter and hugs him around the waist. "Bye Spidey!" She says brightly, all supposed confidence lost when she turns on her heel to rush off towards her room shyly.

Wade catches his gaze and gives a big grin like 'See? Big fan!'

He gets down from his own stool and places a hand on Peter's shoulder, gesturing him toward the hall. "Let's pick you out some clothes."

Peter follows Wade into his room, which, unsurprisingly, seems to have more personality than the rest of the house. And, like his personality, there are deeply contrasting vibes present. One one hand he has the unicorn bedding and assortment of  plushies (three Spider-Man and two Captain America, but who's counting), and a smattering of pictures he must have taken with his friends hanging on the walls. On the other hand, there appear to be various bullet holes, blood stains, an unnerving assortment of explosives and weaponry, and a worse-for-wear punching dummy with a bad photo of Wolverine on it.

"These aren't live, right?" Peter asks apprehensively, motioning loosely toward the grenades lining his bedside table.

Wade briefly glances over from the closet, preoccupied with picking out clothes. "Oh nah! We keep the live ones out in the shed for safety!"

Peter cringes to himself. He's not sure how much better that is.

Wade interrupts his growing concern to hand him a bundle of clothes. "Here! This should hopefully fit. If not, I think I have a belt around here somewhere… Ah!"

From under the bed he pulls out a leather belt with a Deadpool logo on it, likely part of his costume. Looks like Peter wasn't getting out of repping his brand again.

"Thanks…" Peter says, taking the belt in his hands.

"Well, I'd love to stay and watch, but I gotta send my little munchkin off!" Wade blinks his lashes and smiles sweetly as he moves towards the door, Peter rolling his eyes with a smirk.

"Oh, and take this for your suit!" He grabs a black backpack off of the door and tosses it expertly onto Peter's pile of clothing. A little Hello Kitty charm hangs off of it, waving at him.

Peter takes the moment of privacy to shove himself into his new clothes. The shirts consist of a faded grey t-shirt with all of the M&Ms on it, along with a red and black plaid button-up. The pants are simple blue jeans, but they sag off of his waist so he unfortunately needs to resort to the Deadpool belt. He pulls his t-shirt out of his pants to cover up the logo. Guess he was keeping it untucked, then.

All of the clothing is, predictably, too big on him and he needs to roll up both the sleeves and jeans. Peter looks for a mirror in the room, settling on propping up his phone camera to get a look at his outfit. He is met with the sight of a man swallowed by clothing.

Didn't Wade wear kids' clothes a chunk of the time? Why was this the smallest business casual outfit he could scrounge up?

Peter didn't often feel insecure about his size or muscle-mass. He was slightly above average height, and though he had more of a sleeper build there was still a decent bit of noticeable muscle there. Wade, however, made him feel like a mini munchkin sometimes. That guy was simply built.

Maybe Peter should do the bulking thing gym bros did to build up their muscle mass. Though he highly doubted he consumed enough protein even in his day-to-day life with his monster metabolism, so that probably wouldn't happen anytime soon.

Well, this'd do. Maybe everyone would think he was just trying out a baggy look today?

Peter runs a hand through his ratty hair quickly so it's at least somewhat presentable, then moves to pick his discarded clothing off the floor. He hesitates as his hand meets the fabric of the heavenly comfy sweater Wade lent him last night. He might need something warm for later, in case it got cold. Surely he wouldn't miss it in the meantime, right?

Making up his mind, Peter shoves the sweater into his borrowed backpack and tosses the sweatpants onto Wade's bed. Nice and tidy.

Peter pokes his head out of the bedroom, looking from side-to-side and listening to make sure Ellie had already gone off to school while he was changing.

"Coast clear!" Wade calls from the kitchen, catching Peter's attention and prompting him to walk out into the open. He picks up his suit from the coffee table, shoving it into the backpack along with his mask.

Wade then bounds up, holding out a lunchbox and a couple of those applesauce squeeze tubes. "Your lunch, sire!" He says poshly, kneeling down and presenting it to Peter like he's a regal.

Peter's mouth twitches into a smile, and he lets out an amused breath as he takes the lunch.

"Me oh my, you shouldn't have!" He responds in his own uppity impression (maybe it was more Southern Belle now? Whatever.) as he takes a look at the food.

Though a the tinted lid he can make out a couple of sandwiches, cheese-sticks, goldfish crackers, carrot sticks, and an assortment of fruits- some of which are cut out into little heart and flower shapes- crammed so harshly into the box to the point where Peter's surprised Wade got the lid to close. It's very kiddish, and definitely doesn't scream "certified professional", but Peter's stomach is overjoyed at the idea of eating something other than cup ramen and energy drinks for lunch. (Unfortunately a regular go-to due to his poor survival skills).

He carefully stuffs the food into his backpack. "Fit for a king." He tells Wade with an approving smile, who gushes at the praise.

"Go educate our new generation, Tiger!" Wade calls as Peter walks over to the front door, waving a dishrag in the air like he's a fair maiden bidding her husband off to war.

Peter smiles and rolls his eyes as he pulls it open. "On it. Thanks, Wade."

"Sure thing Honey-Bun!" Wade beams, following him to the door and leaning against the frame as Peter steps outside, looping the backpack over his shoulders. "See you tonight?"

"Same place, same time." Peter responds, giving the man a two-fingered salute. With that, he heads off to work.

---

"Nice nails, P-Dids. Those your boyfriend's clothes?"

"Morning, Dereck." Peter calls sweetly through gritted teeth. He draws on the strength of a good night's sleep and good breakfast to stifle his desire to punt a kid.

The skill of stifling your desire to punt a kid was a necessity in his line of work.

In his first few weeks, his co-workers taught him a variety of techniques they used. Some were simple, like taking deep breaths and reminding yourself that children were impressionable and needed a selfless, loving role model to grow into the same. And some had more advanced techniques, like Annabelle the social studies teacher, who kept a punching bag in her classroom and would use dry-erase markers to draw the face of whoever was getting on her nerves the most that day.

Dereck's friend, Gustavo, gives him a smack on the back of the head.

"Don't be a dick, Dereck." He scolds. The other boy's hands fly up to cover his head and he gives his friend the stink-eye.

Peter quirks a smile at that, and Gustavo catches his eye to shoot an amiable wink, which he returns. At least for every ten or so little terrors in a school there was a Gustavo to add some good to the balance. Whether or not that was an exaggeration? Who can say.

Anyway, he hadn't even made it to his classroom yet but seems Peter had gotten confirmation that he wasn't pulling off the baggy look. He glances down to his nails, almost forgetting he and Wade had painted them last night. Wade wanted to do a bright glittery pink 'in honor of the slime attack', but Peter had talked him down to a (Spider-Man inspired) blue and red. It borderline felt equally as embarrassing.

Peter moves his gaze back up as he feels eyes on him, and notices Ellie standing down the hall at her locker. She's just barely squinting at him, her expression giving off the impression that she recognizes something but can't quite pin it. Peter sweats as he passes her, desperately trying not to look at her even though he really wants to make sure she doesn't connect the dots. Only when he reaches his classroom does he spare a quick backwards glance, to see the girl shrugging carelessly to herself and kicking her locker closed.

Peter lets out a sigh of relief as he makes his way inside and collapses into his rickety desk chair. He shuts his eyes and leans back for a few moments to soak up the last few minutes of free time before class started for the day, reveling in his calm.

His calm is interrupted, however, when he feels another set of eyes on him. He cracks one eye open to see Rhonda in the doorway, looking at him with wide, curious eyes. Almost as soon as he looks at her, she squeaks and runs off down the hall- more than likely to gossip.

Whether she settled on him going through some sort of mid-life fashion crisis or the possibility of him having a male suitor, like Dereck mentioned, Peter couldn't tell you. At least if it was the latter she might stop trying to hook him up with Dana the receptionist.

The bell rings, but Peter shuts his eyes once again to make up for his interrupted zen-time before class. Until, quite suddenly, he realizes he left his work laptop and all of his materials at home.

Peter mentally smacks himself at his stupidity. Or- maybe he actually smacked himself, given how half of the classroom is now staring at him. Well, at least he had some of their attention, now.

Peter pulls himself out of his chair and slaps his hands down on his desk. "Morning, guys!" This earns him but a few more eyes on him, though some kids turn away after realizing he wasn't actually beating himself up.

"Who's up for some Quizlet?"

Suddenly, all eyes are on him.

Chapter Text

Lovebug 😽😽💖🕷️

but I would be alving and you would b simon (4:35pm)

I feel more like a Dave lately. (4:43pm)

awwww, that means he thinks of me as a cute furry son 🥹 (4:43pm)

where r uuuuuuuuu (7:02pm)

hey (7:03pm)

pookie (7:07pm)

Please stop calling me, I'm on my way. (7:10pm)

Wade. (7:13pm)

STOP. (7:18pm)

"Uuuuuugh, what's TAKING so long???" Wade throws his arms up in the air and falls onto his back dramatically from where he's sitting. This results in his phone being tosses across the roof, which he quickly crawls after to check on.

[It hasn't even been 20 minutes. Not to mention we don't even have an official meetup time.]

Wade looks over his phone for scratches, then sighs in relief, giving it a big smooch just to heal any emotional trauma.

He then throws his arms back up in the air, this time keeping a grip on his device, "It's unofficially official!" He defends passionately, turning sharply to his left as if he would be able to glare at White over there. "7pm. Every weekday!"

{I don't know how much longer I can hold out guys. I'm BORED!!!}

"Same!!!!" Deadpool whines, curling up on the roof in agony and he clutches himself. Just then his stomach lets out a whine of his own.

"And hungry!" He clutches mournfully at his poor stomach.

Now that he thought of it, had they eaten today? All he could remember was he had gotten really into digging holes on his lawn today after seeing videos of people planting time capsule in their yard. The rest of the day was kind of a blur.

[We not only dug up holes in our yard, might I remind you. There are several massive holes in the park and outside the town hall.]

"Did we put anything in them?"

[No.]

Oops.

{Back to the matter at hand, please! Do you think Spider-Man would wanna get churros?}

Wade perks up immediately at the thought, shooting into a sitting position and pulling his phone back up to his face. "What an excellent idea! Let's call him!"

Just then, something sticks to Deadpool's phone and flings it out of his hands.

"Oh hell no! Are you trying to speedrun me blocking your number?" Wade looks up to see his very late spider-pal crouching at the other end of the roof and clutching Wade's phone to his chest like protecting it from him is the only way to protect his sanity.

Wade crosses his arms and sharply turns away from him in a pout, "I wouldn't need to keep calling if you would just answer my calls! If we're in an equal partnership, then I think I deserve at least that! What are you, one of those youths scared of phone calls?"

"I mean, no I-" Spider-Man sputters out unconvincingly, but Wade won't sit and listen to his lies.

He turns back to the spider, rising to his feet and pointing an accusatory finger in his face. "Not to mention, you haven't even looked at any of my TikToks!!!!"

Spider-Man drops his shoulders with a sigh, his voice sounding tired. "You sent me thirty this morning. I was working. Still am, actually."

Wade crosses his arms irritably as he grumbles out, "That was me holding back, I have a whole bookmark of videos to send you later."

[Did anyone notice how he didn't correct the "equal partnership" thing?]

"Not to mention other Spider-Man's been spamming me too…" Spidey adds on, mumbling in that way he does when he's mostly talking to himself. Wade almost feels bad for how genuinely dismayed he looks about his flood of memes.

Instead, he puts a hand on his hip and continues scolding him, "It's how we show our love! Don't you know anything about best friendship?"

Spidey turns his gaze back up to him with a raised brow, then finally puffs an amused breath and shakes his head. "I'll watch them while we're waiting for crime, okay?"

A big grin makes its way onto Wade's face, and he moves to fling his arms over the hero's shoulders. "Yay!!!! I knew you cared!" He nuzzles his cheek against his head.

Spidey only halfheartedly shrugs a shoulder to loosen Wade's grip, his voice still laced with badly suppressed amusement (ha!!! He thought Wade was so hilarious!) as he says, "I know I'll never hear the end of it otherwise. But!!" He pushes Wade back with a finger to the nose enough to look him in his squinty lenses. "You have to promise to stop spam-calling me at least."

Wade's eyes converge on the finger between his eyes, enjoying how his vision goes wonky for a moment, before processing the man's words.

"…You said butt." He snickers quietly behind his hand.

The deadpan expression Petey must be sending him is very evident through the mask, and he moves to push Wade fully off of him to stress his disappointment. What a sassy spider!!!

"Fiiiine, whatever you say Spideykins. Pinkie promise!" Wade moves his arm out to Spidey to take hold of his pinkie in a special sacred motion, and the hero moves to do just that all while keeping his skeptical squinty lenses. Only to widen then in surprise when it turns out there's no pinky there. In fact, most of his fingers are still gone, his fresh glove flopping uselessly around.

Wade pulls back his half-hand and slaps it against his forehead as he starts laughing boisterously. "Aw man, I got you good!!!! My hand got bit off earlier!"

Spider-Man's eyes stay wide and Wade can swear his jaw is dropped in disbelief under the mask. "How did THAT happen????"

Wade snorts a laugh and gazes into the sky, shaking his head fondly at the memory. "Some of these New York dogs don't like getting their bellies rubbed!"

[Not to mention the "dog" we were petting just so happened to be at the zoo.]

{Wolves just look SO cute and fluffy, though! Imagine if we got to tame one and ride around on it.}

Wasn't that an awesome thought.

"Maybe one day…" Wade mumbles to himself longingly, then suddenly perks up once he remembers what he was previously going to ask Spidey, and turns his attention back to the man. "Hey, can we get churros?"

Spidey still seems distraught, Wade hears a muttered "chihuahua..?" under his breath and infers he must be trying to puzzle out which dog is daring enough to bite off an entire human hand. Wade's mention of churros manages snaps him out of his stupor, though, leading to a different look of confusion. "Seriously? We didn't even start patrol yet."

Although he says that, Wade has the distinct feeling that he might be drooling under his mask.

"Yeaaaa- but it'll be a good motivator, right? I'll pay!"

As Wade expected, Spider-Man instantly straightens up at the mention of being paid for, in typical broke boy fashion. But then he promptly shrinks back into himself and subtly scuffs his feet on the roof beneath them. "Are you sure?" He asks.

[Hm? Spidey never questions when we pay.]

{Usually he insists, lolol!!!}

[Plus, isn't that like, the main reason we hang out?]

{What do you mean??? Of course it's our winning personality!}

[Girl. Who are you kidding?]

{Did you just GIRL me, White?}

"It's cuz he's HONORABLE, guys!" Wade corrects, earning a confused glance from said honorable spider, then adds. "Of course, Spidey-poo! It's the least I can do for interrupting patrol for snacks!"

Spidey's body language loosens up slightly as he then rolls his eyes, badly hiding a smile. "Alright then."

To Wade's absolutely glee, he motions him to get on his back. He didn't even need to beg this time!!!!

Wade cheerfully jumps onto Spidey's back, relishing in the way the man barely even wobbles from the sudden weight, just shoots Wade a glare for his recklessness. Wade squeezes his biceps. "You're so strong, Spidey." He says dreamily.

{Remember when he picked us up like a dog the other day?}

{I miss when he used to scruff us. Those were the days.}

"Keep your hands to yourself." Webs mutters in annoyance, but Wade grins widely at the way he borderline sounds embarrassed at the compliment.

After they jump off into the night in the direction of Wade's favorite churro place, he notices several tears in Spidey's suit, blood mostly dried up by now.

"What happened to YOU?" He asks in surprise, poking at one of the tears curiously.

"I got caught up on the way here." Spidey mumbles back, barely audible over the sound of the wind.

Wade angles to try and get a look at Spidey's masked face from behind. "What wazzit?  A robbery? You can call me for help, y'know! Better yet, why don't we add each other on life360?"

"No way." Petey responds flatly, "And it's fine, it wasn't anything serious."

[We could always just track his phone.]

Wade shoves the thought aside for later. Not that he was actually planning on tracking him, it was a just a nice idea in CASE his spider got into any more trouble. He knew if Spidey found out Wade was tracking him, though, he would probably get his ass kicked into the next century.

"What then?" He asks.

"Nothing." Spidey dismisses as he rounds a corner, causing Wade to wiggle in his grip. With his hectic history, you'd think he was immune to all adrenaline rushes, but swinging around on Spider-Man was still prone to making his stomach drop.

"Spidey?" Wade asks, unable to help the bit of genuine concern making its way to his voice. His reluctance to share was giving him the idea that maybe it was something serious.

[Since when did we care so much about what happened to other people? We've gotten way soft.]

Wade feels a small sense of victory when Spider-Man finally seems to give in to his nosiness. Wade can SENSE him blush under the mask as he attempts to obscure his masked face as best he can with the man on his back.

"…Cat."

Wade blinks at that unexpected response for a few moments, processing that single word.

For someone who broke up the occasional alien invasion and inter-dimensional god-like entities, the 'Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man' role more often than not called for Wade's beloved heartmate to perform more miniscule tasks.

One of such was literally rescuing cats from trees or wherever else they could get themselves stuck. He'd seen it happen at least a couple times. It was seriously adorable. And it turned out that Spidey was very much not a cat person because it always ended with him sulking in embarrassment and covered in scratches.

Which was funny, because he definitely gave Wade the impression of someone who'd own a cat. No crazy cat lady Petey in this universe, it seemed. Shame!

Wade instantly breaks into a grin moves his hands up and down Spidey's sides to tickle him. "You're SO cute!"

"I'm gonna drop you." Spidey threatens, twitching away from his hands as best he can, but he can't hide the mirth in his voice.

Deadpool leans heavily to the side to get a look at him and boops him on the nose.

"You would neve- AAAAAUGHHH!"

Wade is promptly sent dropping to his death before, last minute, the hero swoops him again and he clings to him for dear life.

"SANTA'S MERRY JINGLE BALLS!!!! I DIDN'T THINK YOU'D ACTUALLY DO IT!!!!!"

Spider-Man is so preoccupied with cackling boisterously that he likely doesn't even hear him. He almost sends them splatting in the wall before his spider-sense saves them last second.

"Sorry," He wheezes, slipping his free hand under his mask to wipe a tear away, "That was mean. But I had to!!!"

The two hightail it to their designated churro spot, Wade clinging on for dearer than dearest life on the way there. Upon ordering enough churros to feed a small family of 20, Spidey directs him with a skeptical look.

"Are you gonna eat ALL of those?"

"Don't shame me!" Wade gasps, raising a hand to his mouth in shock, then sways his waist from side to side and strikes a pose as he adds, "How do you think I maintain these childbearing hips?"

He smirks in infinite satisfaction as Spidey's gaze follows the motion to his hips, and stay there.

[If he wasn't constantly zoning out like that I'd almost think he was checking us out.]

{In reality, I don't think anything could impress him with a body like that! Have you seen dat ass? Bow chicka bow wow.}

Wade then shoots a finger into the air and puts on a voice of disbelief, enacting part two of his master plan. "OMG, I just remembered! I know someone we need to help!"

Spidey drags his eyes back up to Wade's, looking slightly worried at the proclamation and stiffening his shoulders as if ready to jump into action. "Who?"

In lieu of an answer, Wade grins widely at him and does the 'uppies' gesture.

Spider-Man's concern swiftly switches to a glare, but to Wade's delight he joltingly gestures to his back and the two are back swinging through the city as Wade directs them to their next destination.

Upon arrival, Wade excitedly jumps off of Spider-Man's back and skips down the pathway.

"So. Why are we at your house again?" The voice from behind asks, stopping Wade in his tracks.

He slowly turns back around to face the man, who is crossing his arms and refusing to budge, and tilts his head to the side as if thinking. "Mmm, because you won't invite me over yours?"

At that, Spidey simply stiffens, as if stopped dead in his tracks.

[We got his ass.]

"Kidding!!!" Wade sings, "I just- think I, uh, left the stove on or something." He continues strutting up to the door, and now Spidey has no choice but to follow, despite his crappy lie.

The truth of the matter was, Wade's daughter had been the most excited he'd seen her in a while after Spider-Man's accidental visit the other day. Soon after, she'd been extra ecstatic about recounting the event like Wade hadn't been there to witness it himself, and asking him more about their adventures. He'd even seen her through a crack in her door pulling out some of her old Spider-Man toys she'd previously proclaimed she was too cool for.

Wade generally did all that was in his power to keep his sweet pumpkin in good spirits, but that didn't mean she wasn't often bummed, especially lately. What kind of father would he be if he didn't use his close celebrity connections in her favor?

He bursts through the front door with a grand gesture, singing out in sweet and melodious voice, "Daddy's home!"

Right on cue, a shot sounds out and a bullet embeds itself into the doorframe right next to Wade's head. He follows it with his eyes, only to see Spidey push in through the door behind him and place himself in front of Wade as he looks for the threat.

Aw! It was like having his own knight in shining armor, how sweet! Wade's heart does a little flutter, as he feels like a proper princess.

"Hey Al! Looks like you missed me!" He jeers in a sickly sweet voice as he gestures to the now-splintered doorframe that she very much can't see with her blind eyes. He cackles at his own joke.

{Missed me! Missed me! Now you gotta kiss me!}

[Ew. Please never mention kissing Al ever again.]

Spidey stands stiff and at the ready next to Wade, his lenses locked onto the gun as Al places it down. She instead pulls up a finger to jab accusatorily in Deadpool's general direction.

"Don't sneak up on an old fool like that, dumbass!"

"Sorry sweetie, you know how I love surprising you!" Wade responds cheerfully, which earns some irritated grumbling as she turns back to "watching" the show she has on the TV.

Back to business, Wade moves further into the house and looks around as he makes grabby hands. "Now, where's me beautiful daughter at?"

As he moves to peer under the dining table and upturn several old pizza boxes in his search for his daughter, Blind Al moves her head back halfheartedly to yell at him over her shoulder, "Little prick was being a pain in my ass, so I sent her to her room."

Wade instantly straightens up with a gasp, then puts a hand on his hip as he glares over at her.

"Well why'd ya do that?" He asks, thoroughly appalled that this old hag thought it was okay to punish his precious never-could-do-no-wrong daughter!

Similar to how he can sense Spidey's sassy eye-rolls from under the mask, Wade can sense Al's sassy eye roll from under her big blacked out blind-lady glasses.

"Oh I'm sorry, should I have maybe put her in The Box instead?"

Ugh. Typical! Wade rolls his own eyes as he crosses his arms and turns away from the pruny ol' jerk.

"Ohhhhhh please. There's no way you're still stuck on that!" He groans.

"Kinda hard to forget being tortured, jackass!!!" She snarls back, turning fully to face him from over the back of the couch.

Before Wade can be tempted into an fierce debate on torture and how long you have to wait until the affected person should stop being a drag about it, he remembers his zen. With a deep breath in through his nose, he shuffles through his heaping bag of churros and pulls one out to offer with an soft kindness to his friend.

"I'm sorry for putting you there, my sweet friend Blind Al. Would you like a churro?"

In an instant, her snarl turns into a smirk and she snatches it from Wade's grasp, turning back to the TV.

"Thought ya'd never ask." She says, before taking a big bite out of the treat.

That was his Al! Pulling the ever-old guilt trip for a snack. Boy oh boy did Wade love his friends.

[That wasn't sarcasm, by the way.]

Spidey's earlier adrenaline seems to wear off, replacing itself with confusion as he asks. "You put her in a box?"

"Long story." The two reply in tandem, both turning their heads to face the man.

Wade flicks his head back to exchange a one-sided look with Al, then claps his hands together cheerily.

"Alright! I'm gonna go release my sweet little princess from her tower."

With that, he bounces off to her room, pulling the door open just enough to peek his head through. "Ellieeee, I brought churros!"

The girl whips her head from where she's sitting at her desk to shoot him a glare. "Dad!!! I told you to knock!"

Wade grins widely back at his kid, but his grin drops gradually when he takes in her whole shebang. One fist clenched in her messy curls and the other with a death grip on a pencil. Red eyes, stuffy nose.

Wade drops his shoulder and backs out the door to shut it lightly. He gives a knock, then opens it right back up and steps inside, giving his kid a worried look. "What's wrong, kiddo?" He asks, voice laced with concern.

Ellie, who must have remembered she was in the middle of crying, seems to be struggling immensely to cover up her awkwardness with annoyance. Her eyes dart quickly between him and the door as if she is attempting to telekinetically place him back outside, before giving up and turning her head away from him to write roughly on the paper in front of her.

"Nothing, just leave." She grumbles.

Instead of listening, Wade pulls the little stool she keeps by her shelf up next to her desk and takes a seat on it. When she attempts to look away again, he tilts his head to catch her eye. Ellie growls again and moves to look at the ground instead, knocking her head against the edge of the desk and covering her head with her arms.

It was a good thing Wade had sufficient experience in wearing down stubborn people. He rummages in his bag once again, and pushes a churro up under Ellie's nose. For a few moments, all is silent, and then all of a sudden she's snatching it out of his hands with a ferocity and falling back into her chair harshly as she takes a bite out of the thing.

"This is so STUPID!!!!" She gets out through a full mouth, "Like why do I even need to know this stuff?? I'm just going to forget it when the semester's over anyway."

Not wanting to risk undoing his work, Wade sits there nodding like a bobblehead, encouraging her to let it out. "For sure, Sweet Pea. School is a total scam."

Ellie then jumps out of her chair to start pacing around her room. "And- Like- Duh, that means I even more don't want to re-take a stupid grade so I can be done with this crap 'soon as I can. But like-" She takes that moment to let out some steam on the Weasel punching dummy Wade graciously got for her (said man was not happy when he found out about Wade's gift, but the look on his face was priceless), punctuating each word with a punch, "Why did they have to make it- SO- FREAKING- HARD?"

Suddenly losing steam, Ellie sits back down forcefully in her chair, slumping heavily over. "Sorry Dad, I think I'm gonna be an unemployed dropout loser. You'll have to house me 'till I'm a hundred."

Wade places a hand on her shoulder and assures in a fake cheery tone, "That's okay, baby. That way you can easily change my diapers when I'm old and extra wrinkly."

That elicits a laugh, which is quickly followed by a sniffle as she covers her face with her arms and says, "Don't hold out on that, I might even be too stupid for changing diapers."

The moment Ellie sniffles, it sets off Wade's fight or flight instincts. Which, of course, generally always lean more on the fight side of things. He freezes up as he weighs the benefits of staging a beatdown on every one of her teachers (minus Petey of course).

{Blow up the school.} Yellow immediately supplies helpfully.

Although it sounds like a great idea in the moment, Wade is pretty sure there was a reason he should avoid that, even if he can't pin the reason in the moment. "Pretty sure that's a taboo." He whispers back numbly.

{Then take her out of school. She can freelance like us.}

[Agreed. There's plenty she can do without an education.]

Man, even White was checking off on Yellow's horrible advice. The boxes really must be freaking out.

"Hell no, she is not allowed to become a mercenary." Wade whispers back aggressively.

He shakes himself out of his emotionally constipated stupor enough to attempt reassuring his child, rubbing a hand on her back comfortingly. "Hey, it's okay Babycakes. Let's have a look, maybe I can help?"

Ellie just stays curled in on her chair, but gestures roughly to the papers on her desk.

Wade scooches his stool closer to the desk and peers at the papers. Many of them look damp and crumbled up only to be pressed flat again. He winces in sympathy at the sight, then grabs the top paper to give it a look. It seemed to be some kind of study guide. "Right, history. So… 'What caused the American Revolution'?"

Wade entirely blanks. He's suddenly reminded of the fact that he grew up in Canada and probably didn't learn anything about American history outside of the fact that Captain America fought Nazis.

[Not to mention our memory is total ass. If we can't even keep our own history straight, how are we supposed to remember the history of some other country?]

Wade moves the paper to the side then puts on a light tone as he looks for the next subject, "Okay, so, maybe history isn't my forte. What about math?" He awkwardly smiles down at his girl for approval, but all she offers is a half-hearted shrug, her face still hidden.

Wade takes that as his go-ahead, scanning his eyes over the assignment. It's not like middle school math could be all that hard. They were probably practicing, like, division and stuff, now. And Wade had easy access to a calculator.

His eyes squint further, the more he reads. His skin starts to crawl in that all-to familiar way it does when he has to do anything he doesn't want to do.

"What the hell is a polynomial?" He bursts, throwing the paper back down on her desk in irritation.

"RIGHT??" She asks, finally pulling her head away from her knees as she throws her hands into the air in exasperation.

Unfortunately for his daughter, school never favored Wade, either. But for the moment they are bound together in joint stupidity as they meet each others' glares, their expressions softening slightly into an irritated smile and eye roll.

[Is this a bad time to tell her we dropped out of high school?]

Behind them, another voice pipes in from the doorway. "Are we talking Algebra in here?" They ask. Wade turns to see Spider-Man standing stiffly in the doorway. Whoops. He kinda forgot he dragged him here.

"OHMIGOD IS THAT SPIDER-MAN?" Ellie exclaims, doing a 180  to kneel in her chair and gape at him from over the back of it.

Spidey once again seems to be surprised by Ellie's enthusiasm, his lenses widening at her outburst. He then looks away and rubs the back of his head in embarrassment.

{He's like a little anime guy, heheh}

"Uh, sorry, I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but Al is…" Spidey shoots a look over his shoulder, then leans heavily against the door as he clears his voice and whispers in a gruff voice, "Well uh, she's a little intimidating."

The two of them stare at him wordlessly for a few moments, before Wade finally breaks and bursts into laughter. There was something distinctly hilarious about such a well-beloved crime-fighting vigilante being so obviously fearful of an elderly blind woman. Wade clutches at his stomach and only opens an eye and breathes through his laughter once he falls back off of his stool. Peter stands there in the doorway looking even more embarrassed and also a little pissed off.

"You're damn right she is!" Wade beams back at the man, then pulls himself onto his stool and gestures Spidey into the room with a wave of his arm.

"Get your big genius brain in here and help us with homework!" He makes a show of scooching to the side and patting at the (barely existent) spot next to him. "We can share!" He wiggles his hips temptingly.

Spider-Man's narrowed lenses do not relent, but he does end up walking into the room and, to Wade's immense delight, plopping himself down on the stool next to him, so that he's between Wade and Ellie.

"Let's see what you got here." Spidey says to Ellie, who is still staring awestruck as he picks up the papers from her desk and looks over them. Wade notes that his voice takes on a bit of a deeper, rougher quality as he talks to the girl. He could only guess it was so Ellie didn't recognize his voice to be the same as her teacher's. It's also really, really funny.

Wade giggles jubilantly and sidles up closer to him so every inch of their sides are pressed against each other.

"Ahh, algebra. It's a good way to exercise the brain. But, uh-" Spider-Man tilts his head toward Ellie and mumbles in a flat voice,  "Let's be real, you're not gonna use any of this when you're done with school, are you?"

At that, Ellie throws her hands up in the air and jumps out of her chair, "THAT'S WHAT I SAID!" She exclaims in distress, finally snapped out of her fan-stupor.

She and Spider-Man then spend the next hour or something (who knew, time was weird) going over her homework. Wade very predictably grows lost almost as soon as they start, instead busying himself with testing how much he can get away with pushing Spidey's boundaries. He ends up getting kicked off of the stool and relocated to Ellie's bed after attempting to sling a leg over the man's lap.

From there, he throws airplanes he makes from the scrap papers on Ellie's floor over at the two, and watches fondly as Ellie starts filling Spidey in on some recent gossip from her English class. There was something healing about watching two of his favorite people gathered together in Ellie's little purple bedroom and doing something as mundane as drilling history facts.

[At least there's one competent adult around here.] White grumbles unhelpfully from behind his skull, interrupting Wade's moment of appreciation. Seems the boxes were still touchy about her crying earlier.

Wade ignores the touch of guilt that attempts to creep its way into his stomach and instead decides to flip the mute switch in his head so he can enjoy this moment.

[You know that doesn't work, dummy.]

La, la, la, can't hear anything!

At some point, as they're working through her English questions, Ellie decides she's had enough of schoolwork for the night and shoos the two men out of her room. Apparently even her Spider-Man mania wasn't enough to make her want to sit down studying any longer.

As the two head out the door, she makes a grab for Wade's bag of remaining churros (he ate most of them in the meantime, using brain power made him hungry).

"See you later, Princess! We should be getting back to saving the universe from crime and whatevs, anyway."

"Yea, yea, go kill some assholes or whatever." She waves him off as she rustles through the bag to pull out a churro.

"Actually, we're doing that no-kill thing so-"

"Maim, then," She corrects, obviously disinterested, and takes a big bite out of her cold churro. She then looks up to wave more cheerfully to Spidey. "Thanks for your help, Spider-Man!!"

Petey does that two-fingered salute thing he always does (hehe, nerd), "Sure thing, Ellie."

With that, Wade's precious little angel slams the door in their faces, and the two men share an amused look.

"Guess she had her fill." Spider-Man chuckles next to him, and Wade snorts a laugh and shrugs a shoulder back at him.

As appreciation stirs up inside of him, he feels his features melt into something softer as he takes in the masked vigilante beside him. Despite his past, he had to have some sort of divine luck to have acquired New York's finest in assisting with his daughter's homework.

Spidey tilts his head to the side in confusion. "What's up?" He asks.

In lieu of a response, Wade smacks the man on his back and pushes him lightly in the direction of their exit. "Let's get crackin'!" He encourages, Spider-Man hesitantly following behind him.

"So, I'm assuming the people in need we were on our way to help was your daughter?" Petey asks as he trails after Wade out the door.

Wade flashes a winning smile and shrugs in a 'what-can-you-do?' kinda way.

"Hey, I mean she really did need our help, right? That was some tricky homework there."

[We might not be the right personal pronoun here. You just distracted them by shooting paper airplanes at their heads the entire time.]

Ugh. And the voices were back. Way to be a party pooper, once again ruining Wade's attempt to not to think about his bad parenting skills. He feels a trace of guilt start to stir up back in his stomach again.

"Well at least at least I did something other than provide stupid commentary in someone's head." He grumbles back in irritation as he locks the door behind him. He bet White didn't know quadratic equations or whatever either. So ha!

"Huh?" Spidey asks in confusion from the walking path.

"Oh, not you." Wade turns around and waves him off dismissively.

"Right." The colorful hero says slowly, before shrugging resolutely and pointing behind himself with a thumb. "Well, ready to get out of here?" Then, Wade can swear he sees a smirk under the mask as he adds, "Unless you can think of anyone else in need?"

Wade taps a finger on his chin and looks up, pretending to think. "Well… Actually, now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure my friend Weasel called me earlier saying he was in mortal danger."

Spidey puffs a laugh then wags a finger at him in disapproval. "Nice try, no drinking on the job." He fake-scolds. Then, once again to Wade's immutable glee, crouches ever so slightly and nods his head back in a way that implies UPPIES!

Wade squeals and runs to climb onto the man's back, and soon enough the two are swinging around the city in search of crime.

Wade takes his shotgun rider role seriously as he provides Spidey with free talk radio. Though this time it's mostly so he can drown the boxes out, who are growing increasingly annoying.

{We made her cry!!!} Yellow repeats mournfully off to his left somewhere in space.

Wade very determinedly pushes the thought of his teary-eyed Eleanor to the side as he plows on in his duties, yelling out over the wind and the chatter in his head. "Anyway, after that I drank about 30 glowsticks to try and turn myself into a human disco ball. Lemme tell you- that stuff gets pretty gross after stick 15-"

[She's been struggling ever since her mom passed. We've just been doing a bad job of letting it fester. Who knows how many times she's melted down when we weren't around?]

The thought sends a pang into Wade's chest and he scratches his head roughly to pull the feeling away. What was he talking about again? He grabs onto a recent memory and goes from there.

"Anyway, uh, so his arm was then disconnected from his body- Totally by accident by the way! And so I took it and made it pick the old maid from my deck so I could win back my baby knife. It's not a usual strategy I use for playing games, but that's not the first time it worked in my favor."

Wade's mouth keeps moving, but he isn't much able to keep track of what's coming out of it as his mind starts to drift somewhere away from his body. In the distance he can feel how his limbs have started to go heavy and tingly. He is also unable to escape the weighty feeling of dread that pools further in his stomach.

Dealing with the boxes' criticism was a regular thing for him. Less so in recent months, but still, he was well-trained in the art of tuning them out when he needed to.

In the past, they seemed to start off as an extension of his own thoughts. Maybe they didn't always say just what he was thinking (especially White) but he'd just assumed anything out of the blue was just pulled somewhere from the recesses of his janked-up crazy brain. They were just the barely helpful coping mechanism of a man who was so lonely his brain had to invent more immersive ways for him to talk to himself.

Then as time moved on, they seemed to offshoot into something separate from him. Unique entities that developed their own desires and opinions. Two sometimes annoying, sometimes entertaining roommates that were just stuck in his brain.

Unfortunately, today was a day where Wade once again felt like their words were an extension of his own unsavory thoughts, taunting himself out of the ignorance he had for his own helplessness. He could try to tune them out all he wanted and carry on in his ignorant bliss, but the truth of the matter was that they were repeating the circling worries he had, just in much louder voices.

[It was stupid to think we were capable of having enough mental stability for anything remotely domestic.] White comments disapprovingly.

[You made Ellie believe she could have a stable parent as a way to cure your own loneliness. Obviously, with our history there's just no way.]

Wade can practically feel Yellow's stress building up with their silence, until finally they explode and let out the single conclusion they came to in their head.

{LET'S JUST KILL EVERYONE!}

Wade can feel the pure anxiety in that statement. Killing was their way to cut loose, let off steam. But once again he feels separate from Yellow's sentiments. The idea of regressing to that solution makes his stomach twist. More than anything he just wants to curl in a ball and shut his brain off.

[We gave her false hope. We lied to her.] White says resolutely.

Wade clenches his teeth harshly as the thought circles in his head, over and over again. Distantly, he can feel his feet hitting the ground and his body swaying slightly, now off-balance.

"Wade?" A voice calls, accompanied by light pressure knocking him in the head. "You okay man?"

Wade blinks in the colors around him, not realizing his eyes were closed, until his gaze focuses on the big white lenses in front of him. One hand is poised to knock his head and the other is holding onto his shoulder to keep him steady. Wade gradually tunes back in to his body, and shakes his limbs slightly to gather some feeling back into them. He manages a jolting nod of his head.

When Spidey determines he's okay to stand on his own again, he steps back and crosses his arms. "You sure? You were squeezing my arms like hell, dude. Don't tell me I gave you motion sickness or something?" The voice is light and teasing, but Wade can sense some concern lurking behind the put-on façade.

"Peachy, Petey. Just a little dizzy from all those ballerina moves you do in the sky." Wade can hear his own voice come out before he realizes he's even speaking.

This is met with a small smirk from Spider-Man, who then uncrosses his arms and angles his body slightly to the side in what appears to be a stiff attempt to look nonchalant.

 "Are you sure? Because we can call it a night if you wanna relax or something."

Wade fishes for words to fix the situation, but, as mentioned earlier, he wasn't really feeling connected to his speech at the moment. Before he can word-vomit whatever ridiculous thing that may just worsen his situation, he notes Spidey jolt slightly and turn a look over his shoulder.

[Saved by the bell.] White supplies halfheartedly, and Wade feels a small rush of relief loosen his posture.

"Car theft." Spidey supplies as he seemingly listens to something Deadpool can't hear in the distance. Wade imagines him as a dog turning his super-hearing ears toward the sound and chuckles lightly to himself.

Spider-Man turns to face Wade fully again and motions him to follow. "Let's take care of that first, then we'll get back to this." He decides.

Wade nods in agreement, though he crosses his fingers that the hero forgets about the getting back to this part.

Soon enough, the two of them round up on a couple of shady figures stealing parts off of an expensive looking vehicle in the shadowed area of an empty parking lot. Deadpool whistles quietly at the sight. "Nice rims." He comments.

Spidey just shakes his head in disbelief. "I'll never understand why people choose to still have nice cars in New York." He whispers back.

Although it's a small group, and they haven't noticed the vigilantes yet, Wade can pick out a few weapons on their person so it would be better not to charge in immediately.

Spidey catches his gaze and tilts his head loosely towards him. This is all Wade needs to know he should sneak up behind the group in case any of them try and make a run for it. With a quick nod, he heads off and the spider waits until he's in position before shooting out a few strands of webbing to pull several firearms away from them. Upon getting their attention, he stands up straight from his perch on the rooftop and calls out in a friendly voice.

"Hey guys, cool car! Think I could get a ride? I need to grab some paper towel at the grocery store."

"It's Spider-Man!" Is the frightened/annoyed response he gets, which was pretty much in the top 3 responses Spidey earned when trying to strike up a chat with criminals.

Two of the men frantically pat where their guns used to be before turning to frown at each other. It doesn't take long before they determine their best bet is to book it, leaving their third confused as he stands by the vehicle.

"So… Is that a no on the ride, then?" Spidey asks in faux-disappointment, tilting his head curiously. Now figuring he's in the worst position, the remaining man snaps out of his stupor and moves to throw a car jack in Spidey's direction. Spidey, of course, dodges out of the way easily and throws his hands into the air in disbelief. "Jeez man, you coulda just said so!"

Luckily the two runners don't get very far before Deadpool stops them from the shadows. Deadpool catches the man headed towards him by the collar and shoots the heel of the one running in the opposite direction, halting his retreat abruptly.

The man in his hold struggles, but he could be a pesky fly for all it mattered to Deadpool. That is, until he pulls out a knife from his pocket and slams it into his arm.

"Yowch!" Wade winces at the pain, then quickly pulls it out and shoots a glare at the man. "What the heck! That hurt, man!" He frowns down at the guy who is now staring at the knife with wide, fearful eyes. As he grumpily wipes the blood from the knife off onto the man's shirt, his already fucky emotions now shift towards anger.

It was less about the physical damage (which was already practically healed) and more about the audacity. Who did he think he was slamming convenience store knives into Deadpool's limbs when he was already having a shitty night? Maybe Spidey wouldn't mind if he broke a couple fingers.

{Kill him.} Yellows voice fades back in at the idea, and Wade lets out a low groan and rolls his eyes. There they were with this again.

Instead, he shoves the knife into one of his own pouches and repositions his arms to put the man in a chokehold.

"Sorry broseph, unfortunately I can't let you leave the party yet."

{Don't just knock him out, kill him!!!!} Yellow now has that shrieky, grating voice they use when they're especially unhinged or throwing a tantrum.

Wade sighs and pushes the man in his hold to the ground, sticking a katana through his pant leg to hold him still so he can temporarily divert his focus to the people in his head, instead.

"I'm not killing him, silly!!!" He reprimands, gesturing emphatically to the air. "As of right now, our no-kill streak is longer than our Duolingo streak. No way am I messing that up."

Yellow responds to their very mature argument with an animalistic screech and a string of curse words. This (not for the first time) makes Wade really wish they were just comic dialogue boxes and he couldn't actually hear them. Stupid dimensional discrepancies. He sticks his free pinkie in his ear and winces.

"What about a light maiming? Would you be pleased with a light maiming?" He calls out above the noise.

That elicits yet another high shriek- this time of terror- from the man below him. Wade looks back down in surprise, having to do a double-take at the sound that just came out of him. He's pretty sure he made almost the exact same noise when he saw Sabrina Carpenter live.

"You're crazy, man!!" The guys yells from below him, attempting to quickly wriggle out from under him, tugging at his pinned piece of clothing.

Crazy? Didn't he know that was an ableist term? Honestly, the audacity of some people.

Wade pulls his hand still holding the katana back to rest sassily on his hip, nearly slicing the guy in the process.

"Hey just 'cuz I have voices in my head doesn't mean I'm crazy! It's the being crazy part that makes me crazy!" He retorts.

[Great defense, genius.] White says sarcastically. Finally chiming in just to be an ass, of course.

"You hear voices in your head?" Spidey's voice asks, and Deadpool whips his head up to see him dragging a couple of cocooned humans behind him with his lenses squinted at Wade in puzzlement.

…Um. Was that a real question?

[Are you telling me he didn't know? You talk to yourself all the time.]

Well, this was news to Wade.

He shrinks in on himself slightly, suddenly feeling shy now that he revealed this information he very much thought the hero had already known.

"Uh… yea?" He replies, his words lilting up at the end uncertainly.

[He does talk to himself a lot, maybe he thought it was normal.] White muses.

Wade tries to get a read on the man. Disgust- pity- anything would suffice- but it's near impossible as he just continues on in that simple, hesitant tone. "Oh, I didn't know. So like… Hallucinations?"

"Uh…" Wade drops his hands to his side loosely, at a loss. "Yes. Specifically there are like, two of them." He says, tapping the side of his head in demonstration. The voice coming out of him is more meek than he would prefer, so he clears his throat deeply to combat that.

Using this moment of distraction, the criminal on the ground darts backwards suddenly to make a run for it, but before he can even make it to his feet Spidey sticks him to the ground with a web.

Wade's eyes follow the action, but before he can even process the action Spidey starts talking again.

"Two, gotcha." He crosses his arms and bobs his head in understanding, then carries on in a slightly more uncertain tone. They stand there in silence for a few moments as Spidey taps on his arm, and Deadpool considers jumping off of a high building.

Then the tapping suddenly speeds up and he rushes out, "Sorry if I'm prying. I mean, I've known you for a bit and like, I feel like you're pretty open to talking about anything. And the fact that this is something you haven't really talked about this is just like, well, surprising. Or, maybe you did and I just didn't notice?"

Wade stares in confusion as the man trails off uncertainly, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly as he continues, "You say a lot of stuff, man, sometimes I can't tell when you're joking or not." He admits. "But, actually, now that I think about it, maybe you don't talk about said voices in your head because it's something you don't want to talk about, so I shouldn't be pressuring you. Or maybe it's like, totally not a big deal to you and now I'm making it a big deal and that's super annoying. So actually, uh, either way, I shouldn't have asked. Just ignore me, they call me Mister-Can't-Keep-His-Nose-In-His-Own-Business-Man."

He snorts a laugh at his own words, "Heh, Business-Man. Pretty professional, right?" Spidey shoots him an amused grin, before he remembers himself and quickly clicks his jaw shut, interlocking his fingers in front of himself awkwardly.

Wade blinks at him in silence for a moment, in one of those rare moments where he isn't sure what to say. It almost felt Spidey was taking on his role for a moment. He was waiting for some sort of well-deserved disgust or discomfort, but if there was one sure-fire way to tell Spidey was being genuine, it was his unfiltered babbling.

Just as the hero looks like he's about break down and change the topic, Wade opens his mouth.

"One of them's called White." He starts, catching a look of surprise from Spidey. The hero then leans forward slightly in interest, silently urging Wade to continue. So he does.

"He's kind of like, our 'voice of reason'. Probably by your standards anyway. He's a bit of a party pooper."

[I resent that. I'm plenty fun.]

"And then there's Yellow. They're more kooky and fun. They actually both used to be total jackasses to me, but we worked through it and now we're pretty chill. Most of the time, anyway."

{I resent that! I'm a sweet little angel.} Says the one who was just screaming like a maniac to kill someone not even five minutes ago.

[Yea, no way. He's got a point with that one, Yellow.]

Spidey nods seriously at the new information, before continuing in a slightly nervous tone. "And, these boxes. Are they why you've been acting off?"

Wade responds with an awkward grin of his own, averting his eyes to the sky. "Well, remember how I said they can be jackasses?" He asks in a faux-cheerful tone.

"What've they been saying?" Spider-Man prompts.

Wade drops his shoulders with a sigh, moving to kick one of the incapacitated criminals next to him. "Nothing that isn't true." He admits sullenly, watching as the man below his foot curls up in pain.

He looks up from the ground, and Spidey motions him to continue.

"…Just wondering if we ever would have had a shot at passing 'Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader'." He jokes, choosing to leave out all the other stuff about having no handle on his sanity and being the worst possible candidate for being responsible for another human life.

But it seems he didn't need to, as Spider-Man may also have a special skill for reading between the lines.

Wade feels a firm hand on his shoulder, and his eyes switch from the person on the ground to the big lenses in front of him to the hand on his shoulder. Then back and forth a few more times as he tries not to be nervous about the sudden contact.

"I said it before and I mean it even more now. You're a good dad, Wade. It's easy to focus on limitations, but you fit the most important requirements for a parent perfectly." He says seriously. Wade shrinks in on himself at the praise, unsure what to do with it as he squints at the man in confusion.

"You're there for her." Spidey clarifies, "And you care about her a lot… Even enough to trick me into making an appearance." If Wade could see his eyes right now, he know they'd be glinting mischievously.

Finally, something loosens in Wade. Almost any kind of praise was easy enough to ignore when you had as much practice in hating yourself as Wade did (not that any of his other friends were much in the business of offering any kind words), but this was the most genuine guy he knew. And that guy was telling him he was doing a good job at one of the things he was most insecure about.

As much as his brain would like to tell him that was wrong, it felt like a crime to argue with Spider-Man himself, even mentally. So there was no choice but to accept it for now, resulting in an intense feeling of relief.

Wade feels the tightness at his throat that means he could cry like a baby. Instead, he swallows it down and slaps the man's arm (potentially too hard if you weren't accounting for Spidey's strength) in an amiable manner.

"Dang, dude! You're really making it your job to act like my therapist, these days. If I didn't already know what you looked like, I'd assume you'd have a giant bell for a head."

"That’s just what partners do." Spidey responds simply, taking his hand off of Deadpool's shoulder and instead throwing it up in a shrug.

{OMG, there's that word!!}

EEK. Not only did he not deny their partnership, but he SAID it. Seems Deadpool's intern days were long gone!

"OMGOMG." Wade gushes, bringing both of his hands up to his cheeks in glee. "Do my little ears deceive me? You said we're partners!"

Spidey simply responds with a nonchalant shrug, once again notably not denying his words. Brimming with confidence at the almost-affirmation, Wade sidles up closer to the man with mischievous glee and bats his eyes sweetly at him. "Does that mean we can be partners in some other typa way, too? Like, GAY partners?"

"Are you trying to get me to take it back?" Spider-Man asks in a dull done with narrowed lenses,  but Wade can sense the poorly-concealed amusement behind his question.

Wade punctuates his own words with a slow roll of the hips. "You could take it from the back, from the front, whichever you prefe-"

Spidey cuts him off with a smack to the back of the head, which only spurs Wade on as he giggles while rubbing the back of his head, then delivers him a swift headbutt.

"You little…" Spidey glares at him as he rubs his own head, then swiftly moves to grab onto Wade forcefully, resulting in the two entering into an impromptu catfight. It's one of those rare moment's Wade's glad he doesn't have hair to pull.

The scuffle ends when Spidey finally pushes him off with a broken chuckle/grumble and moves to leave the shadows of the parking lot and head out toward the street. "Call the police, I wanna get out of here. I promised to water Ms. Rockefeller's tomatoes while she was out of town."

There went his little spider, dutifully committing himself to helping people with simple chores as if he wasn't someone who battled evil villains and demigods on the reg.

"So you can water Ms. Rockefeller's tomatoes, but you won't even watch my TikToks? Really shows where your loyalties lie." Wade pouts (earning a tired 'you're still stuck on that?'), but he all the same moves to do exactly what he was asked. He obediently calls the police on one of the baddies' phones and scrawls a little note with their crimes before skipping after the hero.

"Now that we're partners, does that mean I get equal rights to your web-shooters?" He asks temptingly, nudging up to the man next to him, then leans in to whisper conspiringly, "Or, webshooter. Singular. If you know what I mean." He twitches his eyebrows suggestively.

[Dear reader, he is talking about his spider-dick.]

"Either way, just let me take control and I'll have us flying over the streets of New York high enough to reach the stars, babe."

Wade ended up walking the way there.