Work Text:
“You ever felt that? I mean,
really felt any of that? / Yeah, tell me again
how you feel it. Yeah, tell me again / how it fills
the chest, fills the head, fills the
lungs. Tell me
again
what it means to find God in your sock drawers. Tell me
again.”
Michael Gray Bulla, I THINK LOVE IS SOMETHING / THAT HAPPENS TO OTHER PEOPLE
💭💬🗯️
Buck’s heart has only stopped three times.
The first, a few years ago, for three minutes and 17 seconds.
The second, a few days ago, when Eddie said he was moving to Texas.
The third, right now, when Eddie told him, “I love you.”
Or, Buck thought that he might have said something along those lines. Eddie’s mouth had moved and some sort of sound had reached Buck’s ears, but there must have been a wall in his brain that wasn’t letting the spark of neurons pass through.
“And this doesn’t need to change anything,” Eddie continued, like there was any possibility of regaining normalcy after that. “You just deserved to know.”
Buck still felt an ache in his chest as if he had no organs left at all.
“You’re moving to Texas,” Buck said, falling back to the facts that he knew were true to provide him with anything to say.
Eddie sucked air through his teeth and nudged his chin to the side. “I’m not. I called Christopher to tell him the news and he…” Eddie kept turning his face until he was looking at a picture frame on the mantle beside him. “He didn’t like the idea. But we worked it out.”
“You love me.”
Eddie looked back at Buck. “I do.”
Buck finally felt his heart beat again. Finally felt some switch flip in his head, his brain slowly catching up. Like a train that started chugging until it fell off a cliff, when Buck remembered the echoes of Tommy breaking up with him.
“You can’t.” Buck said, shattered. “I can’t be the first man you date.”
The new emotion on Eddie’s face, one of fresh openness and joy, slowly began to fade. Not like a door slamming, but like reeling a big fish into shore, splashing and fighting the whole way.
“I don’t want to date anyone else. I want you.”
Buck pretended not to feel the spike of adrenaline that struck down his spine at hearing that. He shook his head instead.
“You can’t date me, because then I’ll be the only man you’ve ever dated and you’ll never know if… If there’s more than just me.” He looked down as the words left his mouth, ashamed at the truth even as he was saying it.
“I’m sorry,” Buck added. “I love you, I just can’t be your first.”
Buck hadn’t realized the weight of what he just said. If he wasn’t avoiding Eddie’s gaze, he might have seen his entire body brighten at the word love.
Buck was too busy feeling the chasm in his chest. Of course he wanted Eddie’s love. Wanted Eddie. But he had to deny it. It was in both of their best interests. Someday, without even realizing it, Eddie would start to wonder if there was more out there. If he really loved Buck, or if Buck was just the first man he was in a relationship with.
He wished it could be something different. But Buck would simply not be able to live with the reality of having Eddie, only for him to leave. He would much rather live like this with him forever: a few hours after work, sleeping on his couch, a dinner at a restaurant alone once or twice a month, a lingering glance or touch a few times a year. It’s all Buck could handle.
Buck hated breaking bad news. Especially to Eddie.
When he looked up, though, Eddie wasn’t angry. He had a slight smile tugging at one side of his mouth. Buck’s brow furrowed. Eddie shouldn’t be happy. He should have been angry, or depressed, or showing some signs of something other than whatever was on his face right now. It was an emotion that Buck hadn't really seen before- eyes slightly squinted, head at a tilt, mouth being pulled into a smile so soft it was as if Eddie wasn’t even aware of it. It looked like something golden was bubbling up inside of Eddie that was about to overflow.
Buck just turned him down after he went through all the trouble of confessing his love, why did Eddie look like he knew something Buck didn’t?
“So, you’re saying the only thing preventing you from being my boyfriend… ” Eddie trailed off. He was speaking ludicrously slow, as if Buck was missing something. Which was annoying, because Eddie was the one acting like everything was fine, good even, when Buck was barely able to keep from falling apart. He was barely able to appreciate the thrill of Eddie calling him his boyfriend, in a roundabout way.
Eddie continued, “Is the fact that I haven’t been on a date with a man before?”
Buck shrugged in reaction, still not quite able to meet Eddie’s eye. “I mean…” It sounded so infantile when Eddie said it, for some reason. “Yeah. But you’re not going to date a man, because you’re not…”
Buck finally felt safe making eye contact, only to be faced with Eddie’s eyebrow quirked up towards his hairline.
“You’re…” Buck let the lack of a word linger in the air between them, not wanting to be the one to break that particular silence.
Eddie’s eyebrow walked back down to meet the rest of his face. “What I am ,” he said pointedly, still speaking with a deliberate emphasis, “is something new that I would like to explore with you.”
Buck felt a blush creep on his cheeks that seemed to drip down his neck and chest. He was suddenly aware of how close Eddie was to him. The two of them were in a more intimate orbit than usual. They had been slowly closing in on each other since the conversation began.
Buck blinked, letting his eyes drift closed slower than usual. When they opened, he could see Eddie’s pupils clearly, almost swallowing the brown iris in the low light of the living room.
“But,” Eddie thumped his palm lightly against Buck’s chest. He moved away from him and crossed the room, towards the front door. “You’re right. Maybe I’m moving into things a little fast.”
Buck followed Eddie, keys jangling in his pocket at the jerky movement of his legs.
“I mean, I don’t know about–”
Eddie cut him off by putting a hand on his shoulder. Instead of placing it right at the corner of Buck’s shoulder, Eddie’s hand slid down his back and rubbed against his shoulder blade. Buck felt his blush grow deeper and drip further down his torso.
“You don’t want to be the first man I date,” Eddie said, but he didn’t say it like it was a rejection. He said it like it was a promise. “I respect that, Buck.”
Eddie’s hand dropped from Buck’s back. “I’ll see you at work tomorrow.”
“Yeah, and I–” but Eddie had already turned away, grabbing the empty drinks from the coffee table as he went to the kitchen.
Buck huffed out an exhale. “Okay,” he said to the empty room. Message received. “Have a good night!”
💭💬🗯️
The ride back to Buck’s loft was quiet. Buck had not realized he didn’t put any music on.
His mind was filled with Eddie.
Eddie loved him? Not only that, it seemed like he might like more than just Buck? Even now, in the safety of his Jeep, it felt disrespectful to think about labels without talking to him about it.
Buck couldn’t let himself imagine it. It would be like torture, thinking about what it might be like to be in a relationship with Eddie. How it would feel to come home to Eddie every day, to let his body curl around him on the couch, to look up at his face while they’re watching a movie, only inches away from each other. How the soft glow of a long-forgotten TV show might light up Eddie’s eyes and lips, how his lips might look different in the light if they were wet. How, if Eddie’s lips were dry, his tongue would slowly stick–
HONK!
Buck sat up straighter immediately, waving a hand between his car seats to signal to the driver behind him that yes, the light had in fact been green for a few seconds and yes, his car would start moving forward now.
Buck tried to shake off the adrenaline, telling himself it was just because of the car horn. Nothing else.
He turned the radio on.
💭💬🗯️
Buck arrived at work fifteen minutes late, expecting the worst. If anyone asked, he slept through his alarm.
What he wouldn’t say is that he woke up even earlier than normal and spent the entire morning pacing his kitchen, anxiously cleaning any remnants of baking from his sink and countertops. Once he had finished the kitchen, he did all of his laundry. Then, he took out the trash. By the time he wanted to reach for his vacuum, he forced himself to go to work instead.
“You’re not usually late.” Hen observed, the first person to meet him in the locker room.
Buck closed his locker and turned to face her. “Yeah, I- I guess I must have turned off my alarm in my sleep.”
“It happens.” Hen tilted her head. “Are you feeling alright?”
“Yeah, yeah, I’m–” Buck cut himself off with a short jerk of his head. “It’s a long story.”
She hummed. “You know, Eddie came in weird today too. Is that relevant?”
Buck's face pulled into a grimace before he could stop it.
“He came in and wanted to talk to Chimney about something,” Hen said, eyes flicking upstairs, then back to Buck. “And now you don’t want to talk at all.”
Buck sighed. “I do, it’s just…”
“Complicated?” Hen guessed.
That was one word for it. Buck nodded.
“It always is. You know, one of these days, you two are going to figure it out.” She paused, looking at Buck meaningfully.
Buck’s eyes narrowed. “You know something.”
“I know nothing. And if anyone told you I did, they’re lying.” Hen offered her hand. “Come on. You can’t hide here all day.”
Buck took her hand, appreciative of the gesture, then let it fall as they walked upstairs to the smell of bacon cooking.
Eddie and Chimney were on the couch talking while Bobby was moving the final plates to the dining table. As Hen and Buck climbed the final few steps, Eddie and Chimney broke their conversation and sat silently ( awkwardly ) on the couch.
“I don’t have enough caffeine in me to deal with this,” Hen said, walking past the two of them and zeroing in on the coffee pot.
“Morning, Buck,” Chimney said, as if it was his first time saying his name.
“Hey,” Eddie added with a jerky movement of his hand on the couch’s armrest.
Buck wasn’t sure how the words would fall out of his mouth, but decided to try anyway.
“Hi.”
Chimney nodded. Eddie nodded. Buck, not wanting to be left out, also nodded.
“Food’s ready, folks!” Bobby called, breaking the spell.
The three of them quickly made their way to the dining table, along with any other hungry firefighters in the vicinity. Eddie, Buck, Chimney, and a freshly-caffeinated Hen all sat in the seats surrounding Bobby’s chair at the head of the table.
They ate in silence, save for the occasional casual comment. Hen and Chimney chatted across the table about Mara’s newest school project. Normally, Buck would love to hear more, even offer to help shop for supplies, but he couldn’t think of anything other than EddieEddieEddie. Each time Buck tried to steal a glance at Eddie, he was looking back at him. Buck kept his eyes on his plate.
Buck could tell that Bobby was picking up on the unusual silence growing between him and Eddie, but before he could say anything, Eddie spoke.
“You know,” Eddie said, looking across the table to where Chimney and Buck sat, “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately.”
Buck felt like all the sunlight filtering through the kitchen was focusing onto Eddie’s face like a spotlight.
“There have been a lot of roles I’ve had to fill over the course of my life,” Eddie continued. “Son. Husband. Soldier. Father. Firefighter.”
“You’ve done a good job with all of them, Eddie,” Bobby added gently.
“Thanks, Cap.” Eddie nodded and chewed a bite of food thoughtfully, as if the compliment was meaningful, but not what he was seeking to hear from the group. “I don’t regret any of it. Everything brought me to where I am today.”
Eddie was speaking to all four of them, but looking only at Buck now.
“I’m happy. I’m surrounded by people I love. Christopher is coming back home over spring break.”
Hen hugged him from where she was sitting to his right. “That’s great news.”
Bobby put a hand on Eddie’s shoulder. “I’m very glad to hear that.”
“Yeah man, that’s good news,” Chimney added hesitantly from the other side of the table.
Buck didn’t say anything, he just kept looking at Eddie.
“That’s not all, though.” Eddie returned Hen’s hug and patted Bobby’s hand with his own before continuing. “I’ve been thinking about how to best support him. Give him a healthy home. That starts with me understanding myself. I’ve been thinking a lot, actually.”
Buck thought that all of the air might have left the room entirely. His mouth felt dry.
“There are some roles that I’ve been playing for so long, I thought they were a part of me. That maybe, there wasn’t any other way to be.”
Buck couldn’t have looked at anyone else in the room if he wanted to. All he could see were Eddie’s eyes looking back at his.
“But that’s never true. I’ve spent a lot of time denying myself what I want. But what I want, it’s something…” Eddie trailed off, eyes flicking to a few feet to Buck’s left, where Chimney was sitting. “It’s something that’s sitting right in front of me.”
Buck could have heard a fire alarm go off in a house a mile away. He didn’t even dare to exhale.
“Anyway.” Eddie laughed humorlessly, just a sound to break the tension he created. He looked down at his plate and shrugged. “All of this to say, I’m gay.”
Buck felt the blush growing on his cheeks again. He couldn’t think of a single thing to say.
Hen, on the other hand, had no trouble. “Oh, Eddie!” She hugged him again, firmer this time. “I’m so proud of you. Thank you for sharing this with us.”
“Congrats, Eddie. It takes a lot of courage to redefine yourself and let go of your past,” Bobby added.
“Alright, alright.” Everyone else tactfully ignored the tears building in Eddie’s eyes, giving them a glimmer in the light. Buck was staring directly at them. “Just wanted to let you all know.”
Buck felt the weight of Hen, Bobby, and Chimney looking at him expectantly. He knew he needed to say something, he just didn’t know what.
“I, uh…” Buck swallowed. “Yeah, that’s great, man. I’m happy for you.”
Eddied nodded and ate another bite of food, looking directly at Buck. “Which is why I’d like to ask an important question.”
Buck leaned forward in his chair, every thought gone from his brain like a gust of wind had blown them all out.
“Chimney,” Eddie said, breaking his eyes away from Buck at the last moment, “Would you like to go out to dinner with me tonight?”
Someone coughed around a bite of food, but Buck wouldn’t be able to tell who. He was too busy watching Chimney’s face for a reaction.
It was completely neutral, without even an ounce of shock that everyone else had written across their face. “Eddie,” he said carefully, pointedly not looking at Buck, “I would love to.”
Buck looked back to Eddie, ignoring the dropped jaws of Hen and Bobby.
“Great.” Eddie smiled that same soft smile Buck saw last night, lifting his drink in a mock toast. He was staring directly back at Buck, unflinching. “I’m looking forward to my first date with a man.”
💭💬🗯️
“He can’t be serious about this, right?” Buck hissed into his phone, feeling only slightly hysterical.
There was a moment of static crackle on the other line before Maddie’s voice came through the speaker. “What do you mean by serious ? Like, do I think he’s actually taking Howie to a restaurant?”
“No,” Buck huffed. “Do you think it’s actually a date? Chimney’s your husband, the father of your child, shouldn’t you be concerned?”
Another pause, although it felt like Maddie knew what she wanted to say the whole time and was just thinking of how to word it.
“ I’m not concerned about him leaving me for Eddie.” Maddie clicked her tongue, changing the subject slightly. “You know, Eddic called me this morning to ask about this?”
Buck poked his head outside the door to the sleeping quarters to make sure the coast was still clear.
“What did he tell you?” he whispered conspiratorially once he confirmed no one was within earshot.
“It was sweet, actually,” Maddie said. “He told me he was trying to explore his sexuality and that he knew Chimney would be respectful about it with him.”
Buck’s eyes narrowed. “He didn’t say anything about me?”
Another pause. “This is Eddie’s journey,” Maddie said, notably leaving the question unanswered. “If you have any questions about it, you should ask him, not me.”
Buck sighed. “You’re not being a helpful sister right now.”
“I’m being a helpful friend to Eddie right now.” Maddie’s voice became muffled for a moment, as if she was speaking while holding the phone away from her mouth. “Ugh, sorry. Jee’s getting ready for a sleepover and I need to help her finish packing. But listen, talk to Eddie. I love you.”
“Love you too,” Buck mumbled before hanging up the phone.
What if he didn’t want to talk to Eddie? That’s what got him into this mess. Now Eddie wanted to go explore with Chimney.
Whatever. The two of them could go on a date together without him. Maybe Buck would just stay in the bunk room all day. He could catch up on some podcasts, or maybe take a nap.
He sat back on one of the beds with a sigh. He’ll just stay in here all day, then he wouldn’t have to talk to Eddie at all.
💭💬🗯️
Buck found Eddie sparring with the punching bag. He made it through about ten minutes of playing a game on his phone before admitting defeat and starting to look for him.
Eddie looked over and saw Buck approaching, but didn’t pause his workout.
Buck watched him continue to hit the bag, not really sure what he should be saying. Eddie glanced up every few hits.
Buck could tell Eddie hadn’t started working up a sweat yet.
“I’m talking to you,” Buck finally said.
Eddie hit the bag a few final times, shaking his head. “I’m responding to you.” He grabbed the bag with his hands, stopping the slight swinging.
Eddie looked at him expectantly.
Buck looked back.
“Okay,” Eddie said, then turned back to the punching bag.
Buck exhaled, letting whatever words he had fall out of him. “I called Maddie.”
“Oh?” Eddie looked back at Buck, eyebrow raised. “What’d you talk to her about?”
Buck tried not to notice the blush building on his cheeks again. “I asked her if she was bothered by you taking her husband out on a date.”
“Was she?”
“No.”
Eddie’s eyebrow stayed raised, with a smirk starting to join in. “I don’t see a problem, then.”
Buck gritted his teeth, taking a step closer to Eddie. “You know what the problem is.”
Eddie flicked his eyes up and down Buck, assessing. He looked around his face for a few seconds, eyes jumping from Buck’s eyes to his birthmark to his hair to his lips.
The two of them were standing close enough that Buck could stretch his neck out, not even moving his torso, and touch Eddie nose-to-nose.
“I really don’t.” Eddie was still staring at Buck’s lips.
Buck licked his lips. He felt a new emotion growing in his stomach. It was a bit like frustration, with at least a sprinkle of desperation, and it definitely only added fuel to the fire of the blood rushing to his cheeks. He felt the rush of blood start to flow downwards.
Thank God for the alarm.
💭💬🗯️
“So,” Hen said, breaking the silence in the fire engine. No one other than her seemed to be able to look at anyone else directly. “Eddie, where are you taking Chimney tonight?”
“Tarantella on 4th. Been meaning to try it out.” Eddie smiled at Chimney, ignoring Buck glaring at him.
“Ooh, italian.” Hen hummed in approval, also refusing to acknowledge Buck’s reaction. “Chim, are you excited?”
Chimney glanced quickly at Buck before responding. “Yes,” he said as he cracked a smile at Eddie. “I’m looking forward to getting to know this guy better.”
“You should know there’s paperwork to fill out for couples who work at the same firehouse,” Bobby turned his head slightly from the front seat, his voice sounding through their headsets.
Hen laughed. “Go ahead and print it out, Cap.” She eyed Eddie, then Chimney, then Buck. “Just leave the names blank for now.”
💭💬🗯️
Buck was typing a text to Maddie when Hen sat next to him on the couch.
Hey, are you free for dinner tonight? Been wanting to try out Tarantella on 4th. On me, for the last-minute invite.
“What’re you up to?” Hen asked casually.
Buck didn’t look up from his phone. “Texting Maddie.”
Jee’s going to a sleepover, right? You deserve a night out.
Hen nodded innocently. “You wouldn’t happen to be texting her about her husband’s recent paramour, would you?”
The response came in almost immediately. Buck could almost picture Maddie’s smug smile.
Hmm… where’d you hear about that place? I feel like someone mentioned it recently.
“I’m making dinner plans.”
Hen laughed. “Buck. Why are you so jealous?”
“I…” Buck’s mouth went dry. He could only think of one thing that would explain everything that had happened in the last 24 hours. “Last night, Eddie said he loved me.”
Hen reached for Buck’s hand and gave it a quick pulse with her thumb. “Oh, honey.”
When Buck looked up at Hen, he didn’t see any surprise, just a warm sympathetic look. “He already told you.”
“No one had to tell me, Buck.” One side of Hen’s mouth drew upwards in a lopsided smile. “I think all of LA knows by now.”
Buck huffed and turned away from Hen. “Glad I finally figured it out, then.”
“Don’t be like that.” Buck looked back at Hen guiltily, feeling the brief heat of shame at being called out. “This is a good thing, Buck.”
“It doesn’t feel like one.” Buck felt indignant. He almost gave in to the urge to cross his arms across his chest like a fussy toddler. “I feel like everyone knows what’s going on except for me.”
Hen squinted her eyes at Buck for a moment before responding. He recognized it as the look she gave patients while she triaged them. She was trying to find the cracks in his armor, where his soft spots were, and if he was bleeding.
“What did you say when Eddie told you?”
Buck grimaced. “I turned him down, obviously. I can’t be the first man he dates.”
Hen straightened up in her seat. “Now, who told you that?” She waved a hand between them before Buck could open his mouth. “Actually, don’t answer that. Why can’t you?”
“Because.” Buck shrugged. His voice sounded a bit emptier than usual when he said, “He’d never know what else is out there.”
Hen’s eyebrows tilted upwards. “Did you ever consider that he already knows what else is out there? Just because he hasn’t dated men before doesn’t mean he hasn’t met them.”
Buck looked away without saying anything.
“You know,” Hen said after a beat. “Sometimes, you’re so close to something, you can’t see it for what it is.” She followed Buck’s gaze to the blank TV screen, where both of their reflections shone on the glass. “I hope you see it soon.”
Hen patted Buck’s knee before standing up and walking back downstairs. Buck watched her reflection until it walked off the screen.
Buck wasn’t sure what to make of what Hen had said. How is he supposed to see what’s happening when he’s inside of it? How is he supposed to know what he wants?
Buck looked back at his phone to see another text come in from Maddie.
I’ll pick you up at 6:30. I have a feeling I’ll get dinner and a show ;)
Someone cleared their throat. Buck looked behind him to see Bobby halfway through dicing an onion. Head hung, Buck went to join him at the counter, expecting a lecture. Or worse, sympathy.
Buck didn’t get either. By the time he reached the counter, Bobby had set aside a cutting board and knife.
He motioned to a small pile of carrots, freshly peeled. “I need those chopped, kid.”
Buck grabbed one and put it on the board, but before he could make the first incision, Bobby interrupted him by extending a hand in his direction.
“Did I ever teach you the fermiere cut?” Bobby started pushing the diced onion to one side of his cutting board, making room.
Buck shook his head. “I don’t think so.”
Bobby demonstrated the cut by slicing a short piece off of one of the carrots, then cutting it into quarters long ways. For each step, he told Buck what he was doing as he did it. He rotated the four sticks and chopped them up, making a rhythmic beat against the wooden cutting board. Buck watched silently, absorbing the information.
“See,” Bobby said as he placed one of the small slices on his fingertip to show off to Buck. “Half round, half square. Think of it like an easier paysanne.”
Buck hummed as Bobby deposited the remainder of the example carrot back onto Buck’s cutting board.
Bobby was offering Buck an option to turn his brain off for a small while. Buck found cooking to be a good task to focus on, especially when he didn’t want to focus on whatever was going on around him. It made sense for Bobby to recognize that.
Buck didn’t bother to break the comfortable silence of knives against wood. It wasn’t until after he had finished fermiere -ing the pile of carrots that he realized he had been focused on something that wasn’t Eddie for the first time since last night.
💭💬🗯️
Chimney had been avoiding him all day. Buck knew why, of course.
He didn’t know what, if anything, he would say to him. But he still felt the urge to corner Chimney. Buck knew he would spill everything, if only Buck could prod him enough.
It finally happened at the end of their shift: Buck and Chimney were the only ones left in the locker room, and had no choice but to acknowledge each other on the walk out to the parking lot.
“So, is Eddie driving you to the restaurant?” Buck accused.
Chimney looked over at Buck, but didn’t react to his tone. “Yeah, he’s picking me up after he goes home to change.”
“Hm.” Buck juts his chin out in challenge. “You should bring a jacket for the ride. He likes to keep the AC in his truck on year-round.”
“Noted.” Chimney’s mouth scrunched up in an indecipherable way.
“Are you bringing him flowers?”
Chimney’s eyes widened. “Do you think I should?”
“Obviously,” Buck said. “It’s the least you could do.”
After a pause where Chimney seemed lost in thought, Buck added, “Is this your first date with a man?”
“Actually Buck, that’s a little personal.” At a quick glance to see Buck’s expression, Chimney continued. “But since we’re so close, I don’t mind sharing. I’ve never dated a man before, but I have kissed one.”
“You’re not taking this seriously.”
“Believe me, one of us is taking this exactly as seriously as they should.”
Buck stopped when they reached Chimney’s car. His Jeep is parked only a few spots away. The two of them paused before entering their cars, both waiting for the other shoe to drop.
“Why are you doing this?” Buck asked plainly after a moment.
Chimney finally smiled, the most genuine expression Buck had seen him make all day. “Because you two are idiots and I deserve a free meal.”
He clapped Buck on the shoulder before going over to his car. “Have a good night, Buck.”
💭💬🗯️
Tarantella on 4th was a cozy italian restaurant with warm amber lighting. The rest of the diners, mostly couples, sat in plush booths peppered around the small room. Buck felt a little stuffy in his button up shirt, which only took him a few attempts of trying on different outfits to settle on.
Maddie smiled knowingly as the host led them back to a booth against the wall, giving the two of them a clear view of the rest of the dining area.
Buck sat down at the table and saw them immediately.
“Oh, wow,” Maddie deadpanned. “I can’t believe this is the restaurant where Howie and Eddie are on their date.” She started mixing oil and vinegar on one of the small plates on the table and grabbed a piece of bread. “What are the odds?”
“Do you think they can see us?”
Maddie looked to her right, where Chimney and Eddie were seated at a different booth about 25 feet away from the two of them, with no walls or decorations blocking their view.
“I think that’s a very real possibility.”
Buck ignored her, choosing instead to focus on the small bouquet of roses laying on the table between Chimney and Eddie. “Chimney bought him flowers?”
Maddie shrugged and opened the drink menu. “He must have picked some up on the way home.” She sighed. “Ugh, I wish they had better mocktails.”
Buck’s leg started jittering without him noticing. “Do you think that counts as a real date?”
“Evan,” Maddie said, voice slowly drifting towards a stern tone. “You’re spiraling.”
Buck’s voice was getting louder and verging on shrill. “I just don’t think they should be acting like they’re on a normal date when they’re clearly just pretending.” He huffed and opened his menu with a snap as the waiter approached their table.
Maddie briefly ignored Buck in favor of ordering. “Hi, I’ll start with an iced tea and my not homophobic brother will need a few more minutes with the menu.”
She gave Buck a pointed look as the waiter jotted down her drink order.
“It’s not like that,” Buck told the waiter, who clutched their writing pad more firmly when Buck turned to them. “I’m a part of it,” he added, motioning towards Chimney and Eddie.
“I’ll give you both some time,” the waiter replied with a smile that didn’t reach anywhere near their eyes before fleeing.
Maddie took a bite of bread while Buck stared at Chimney and Eddie and stewed.
“They haven’t even looked over at us once,” Buck noted.
Chimney and Eddie were still talking back and forth. Chimney was leaning forward slightly over the table, both forearms sitting on the surface. Eddie laughed at something Chimney said.
“Well,” Maddie said, “maybe they’re having a good date.”
Eddie’s laugh petered off, but he mirrored Chimney’s slight lean over the table. His left arm dropped onto the surface of the table, fingers mingling with Chimney’s.
Buck fidgeted in his seat. “I should go say something.”
Chimney flipped his hand over and pulled Eddie’s hand to rest in his palm.
“Hm.” Maddie leaned back into the booth, unfazed. “If you’re not back soon, I’m ordering for you.”
The nervous energy that had been bubbling inside of Buck all day began to boil over. He stood up before he made the conscious decision to and let himself be pulled towards Eddie.
Eddie and Chimney looked up when Buck got closer, but neither seemed all that surprised to see him.
“Hey, Buck,” Eddie said as he broke his handhold with Chimney to draw a glass of wine to his lips, looking up at Buck expectantly.
Buck didn’t even acknowledge Chimney before speaking to Eddie. “He got you flowers?” Buck glared at the roses sitting on the table. He pictured them bursting into flames.
“No.” Chimney cleared his throat haughtily and pulled the roses over to his side of the booth. “ He got me flowers.”
Buck watched as Chimney’s hands curled around the flowers to slide them across the table. He had the wordless, sharp urge to reach across the glasses and silverware to grab the small bouquet with both hands. A part of him which he could not name wanted to pluck each small rosebud from its stem and swallow it whole.
“Are you feeling alright?” Eddie’s eyes had something playful dancing behind them that Buck rarely saw. “You look a little…” he trailed off, moving a hand vaguely around the side of his face.
“I’m fine,” Buck said, too quickly. “How’s your–” the word could hardly pass his lips– “date?”
Eddie leaned away to rest against the back of the booth and nodded across the table. “How do you think it’s going, Chim?”
“I think this is the most fun I’ve had on a date outside of Maddie,” Chimney said nonchalantly.
“There you go.” Eddie smiled at Buck, with teeth. “Now, if you don’t mind, Buck, Chimney was telling me about breaking up a bar fight.”
Eddie slid his hand across the table once more to reach Chimney’s.
Chimney grinned at Buck. “You’ll never guess the song they sang together before the fight broke out.”
The two of them laughed at what Chimney said. Buck felt both like he had been set on fire and slammed with a bucket of ice water. It was rare for Eddie to be a part of jokes that he wasn’t also in on. That now-familiar blush of warmth dripped from Buck’s head down all the way to his toes.
“Right,” Buck said robotically. “I’ll leave you to it.”
He walked back to his table, waiting for one of them to tell him to come back to the table. But when he sat in his seat and watched them from across the room, they had immediately dropped back into their rapt conversation, clearly not a thought of Buck in either of their minds.
“You’re getting lasagna, by the way,” Maddie said. “And tipping our waiter well.”
“Sure,” fell out of Buck’s mouth. He felt like a wind-up toy that had its gears overextended, just a tense click-click-click happening instead of movement. Or maybe like a champagne bottle, right before the cork flies off. Or possibly a soda can rolling down a staircase.
Maddie narrowed her eyes at Buck, then turned to watch the date happening at the other table.
“Howie’s telling his bar fight story, I see,” she said, eyes tracking Chimney’s broad arm gestures.
Buck nodded. “What song were they singing, anyway?”
“Closing Time. ” Maddie tilted her head slightly. “He told me about it on our first date. It’s impressive, really. Five big guys, all pulled apart by him and Kevin.”
At the other table, Chimney has both hands stuck out to his sides and whips his head back and forth comedically.
“I doubt it’s that impressive to Eddie. He does that sort of thing all the time.” Buck scoffed and pretended he wasn’t watching Eddie intently for a reaction.
Eddie laughed at Chimney, then gestured to his arms. Chimney flexed them theatrically in response and offered a bicep. As Eddie reached his hand across the table to squeeze Chimney’s muscles, Buck forcibly turned his head away to drink a sip of water.
“Evan,” Maddie warned, “You look ill.”
“This isn’t how it’s supposed to be,” Buck forced out.
Maddie sighed. “This is exactly what you told him to do.” At Buck’s look, she rolled her eyes. “Yeah. He told me what happened. I don’t just let anyone date my husband. As if he needed me to tell him you’re acting like an idiot.”
“I’m not an idiot,” Buck mumbled reflexively.
“You’re lucky he chose Chimney.” Maddie shook her head. “If you’re acting like this when he’s on a date with someone who is straight and married, I don’t want to be in the same country as you if he dates someone who’s actually into him.”
For just a moment, Buck fell down that rabbit hole. He pictured Eddie meeting a man at a bar, chatting, laughing. He pictured Eddie touching a stranger’s bicep. He gritted his teeth.
“What did you want to happen?”
Buck didn’t know how to answer. He felt shame heat up his shoulders. This whole time, Eddie had just been doing what he had been asked to. And Buck was the one person against it.
“I just didn’t realize it’d feel like this.” Buck couldn’t look directly at Maddie when he spoke.
Maddie exhaled and reached across the table to pat Buck’s hand gently. “The only reason we’re all comfortable driving you crazy is because we’re rooting for you. You know that, right?”
The condensation on the side of Buck’s glass was suddenly much more interesting than his sister’s face.
“I guess so,” Buck said.
He looked over at Chimney and Eddie’s table again. This time, Eddie looked over and caught his eye. He smiled from across the room, small enough that only Buck would be able to recognize it. Eddie raised his eyebrows slightly and glanced over at Chimney, then returned to Buck and the smile grew. Eddie winked.
Buck’s line of sight was interrupted by the waiter returning with their food. The plate of lasagna that Maddie had ordered for him felt like too much food for how knotted his stomach felt, but he took a few bites to experiment.
The knot began to unwind.
💭💬🗯️
After finishing half of his lasagna and leaving a very generous I-promise-I’m-not-a-weirdo tip, Buck and Maddie exited the restaurant, boxes of leftovers in tow.
“You parked down this way, right?” Buck asked Maddie, gesturing down the street.
“I did,” Maddie confirmed, “but I’m not driving you home tonight.”
Buck frowned. “You drove me here.”
Chimney exited the restaurant first, holding the door open for Eddie to walk out behind him.
“What crazy timing,” Chimney said. “How weird is it that we all finished eating at the same time?”
“Overselling, my love.” Maddie leaned in to give him a kiss on the cheek. “Buck, I’m so sorry, but Trish just texted me to say Jee-Yun forgot to pack her favorite stuffed animal–”
“You all know Mrs. Sprinkles,” Chimney interrupted.
“So Howie and I have to leave to go drop it off for her.” Maddie gave Buck a quick hug.
Buck’s mouth worked on empty air for a moment before he spoke. “Uh, sure. Then who’s going to drive me home?”
“That’d be me,” Eddie said. “As soon as I finish my date.”
Buck hardly had time to wonder what Eddie meant before he spoke again.
“Hey, Chim,” Eddie called before Chimney could turn away. “How about a good night?”
Chimney gave the bouquet of roses to Maddie to hold before opening his arms for a hug. “Eddie, of course. Thank you for such a good first date.”
From over Chimney’s shoulder, Eddie raised his eyebrows at Maddie and pursed his lips briefly. She rolled her eyes goodnaturedly and nodded.
Eddie broke the hug but didn’t move away from Chimney. He put a hand on the side of his face and said, “No, thank you.”
Slowly, Eddie lowered his face to Chimney’s and gave him a soft kiss on the lips. They held each other in place like statues for one, two seconds before Buck’s brain restarted and he took a step towards them.
Before he could move any further, they parted. Chimney licked his lips absentmindedly. “What an honor it’s been, Eddie.”
“And Buck–” Chimney must have seen something on Buck’s face that he didn’t like. “I will talk to you when enough time has passed that you no longer want to kill me.”
Before Buck could start forming words again, Chimney and Maddie had walked away, hand in hand.
“I parked this way,” Eddie said, as if nothing out of the ordinary had just transpired.
When Buck didn’t start moving, Eddie walked to reach him and grabbed his hand to jumpstart him. The two started walking down the road, Eddie still holding Buck’s hand.
“Hey. The date’s over now. You’re no longer my first,” Eddie said in a low voice, very much in Buck’s personal space.
“You kissed Chimney.”
“I did.” His cheeks tinged red as he spoke. “With his wife’s permission. Two seconds. Closed mouths.”
Buck’s eyebrows furrowed as he took in the information.
After a moment, “Okay.”
Eddie smiled, sliding his hand up Buck’s arm. “Okay?”
Buck nodded firmly and angled himself towards Eddie. His hand reached for Eddie’s lower back. “Okay.”
“Buck.” The words came out of Eddie’s mouth like breath. “I’m going to kiss you now.”
Everything came back. The blush, the frustration, the knot in his stomach, the feeling of a soda can shaking, shaking, shaking. Kissing Eddie made Buck’s entire life make sense. It felt like kissing Eddie was the answer to any question anyone had asked him.
Their hands tangled in each other’s hair as the kissing turned sloppy, each man trying to swallow the other’s face. One of them started tilting until the two spun around, Eddie bracing Buck against the nearest wall, which happened to be the back of the building next to the restaurant.
When Buck kissed Eddie, he saw what everyone else did. He saw the love for what it was.
“Tell me again,” Buck panted between attempts to chew the inside of Eddie’s cheek.
Eddie hummed from where he was licking the side of Buck’s jawline, “Tell you what?”
“I love you,” Buck breathed. He pressed their lips together again.
Eddie returned the not-closed-mouth kiss for well over two seconds.
“I love you,” he said.
Buck nuzzled the side of his face and whispered, “Tell me again.”
“I love you.”
“Again.”
“I love you.”
Buck grunted and rolled over the wall with Eddie so that he was the one being pushed against the wall. His knee pressed between Eddie’s legs and he wasn’t surprised to find pressure building there.
“We need to go back to your house,” Buck said when he came up for air.
Eddie made a high-pitched whine that wouldn’t sound out of place in an industrial plant. “Can I make an argument for my truck?”
“How far away is it?” Buck went for the thin skin of Eddie’s neck while Eddie looked at the cars around them.
“Five minute walk?” Eddie guessed. He stuttered as Buck moved back to his lips. “Three. Two. We could probably even make it in one.”
“Of course we can.” Buck grinned. “We’re firefighters.”
💭💬🗯️
It takes them 23 minutes to get back to Eddie’s truck.
It takes them an additional 45 to start the engine.