Chapter Text
A/N: Thanks for your reviews! I so enjoyed getting to do this story and I thank those of you who came along for the ride!
Chapter 11
The next morning, Kate sat in her car in the garage, wondering if she was doing the right thing; her phone in hand, wondering if she should call first but her thumb hesitated over the screen. Maybe she shouldn’t call first…this mess felt like it was beyond the phone call point. If she called, it would probably just put off the idea of being face to face and she figured that it probably had to be face to face or nothing would change. She sighed deeply, thinking back to her trip to the past, part of her wondering if she hadn’t had some sort of odd dream and imagined the whole thing. She sighed a little, opening up her photo gallery for what had to be the tenth time that morning to see the pictures she had taken in the past; the one of her mother’s living room and the one of them together. It wasn’t a dream; it had happened…and she had to start the car and make that drive. She didn’t want to let down the woman she left in the past even if she didn’t know…and she didn’t want to lose the one she had in the present.
“What are you waiting for?” a voice said, startling Kate and making her gaze jerk to the passenger seat where Sarah was seated.
“Could you give a warning before you just pop out of thin air?” Kate exclaimed.
Sarah smiled. “You sound just like your father; he has told me the same thing.”
“Apparently you haven’t listened.”
She shrugged a silk clad shoulder. “I like the element of surprise.”
“I guess you have to get your kicks somehow,” Kate muttered.
“Yes, I do…now that I know what that expression means,” Sarah remarked. “Now, why are we just sitting in the car instead of driving it?”
Kate sighed. “Just thinking.”
“Don’t overthink it, Katie…you’re not going to be able to rehearse for this.”
“Yeah, part of me knows that…but I also hate to be unprepared…and awkward. I feel like it’s going to be awkward and I hate that feeling so much.”
“I understand that…but you won’t be alone in that feeling. After all this time apart; she’s going to feel a bit awkward too.”
“What if she doesn’t want me there?” Kate murmured.
“I don’t think you need to worry about being turned away at the door, Bunny. It might be difficult for both of you but you’ll feel better when it’s done.”
“I hope so.”
“I wouldn’t encourage you to go if I thought there was a chance of it being otherwise.”
Kate glanced down at her phone. “Is she okay?”
“Your mother is quite well and happy to have won back the affection of the kitty. She is home and by herself for awhile as your father has errands to do and she wanted to stay in and take care of some things.”
“Good to know…but…I meant the one in the past. You said you’d let me know.”
Sarah smiled. “She’s fine.”
“You’re sure?”
“Look at your telephone and I’ll show you.”
Kate’s brow furrowed. “How?”
“Ours is not to question why, darling,” she said with a flick of her finger toward the phone.
Kate stared at her phone as what appeared to be a video played on the screen. “What is this?” she asked.
“I’m showing you what’s happening there…like you’re watching a movie,” Sarah explained. “Keep watching.”
She kept her eyes on the screen and soon enough, the image of Johanna McKenzie came into view as she walked down a city sidewalk with Jim Beckett at her side.
“Are my sunglasses in your car?” Johanna asked.
“I put them in the glovebox when you left them there the other day,” Jim answered. “It’s not all that bright though, looks like rain.”
“I know, but I woke up with a headache and the sunglasses will help. I really didn’t think we drank that much last night.”
“We didn’t,” he replied. “We only had a glass of wine. Maybe you’re coming down with something.”
She shook her head. “No, probably just one of my usual stress induced headaches. I know I slept through the night but in a way I feel like I didn’t sleep well…there were odd dreams and yet I can’t remember what they were about, which I admit sounds weird, that I can’t remember what it was but that I know I was having them.”
“That’s not so odd,” Jim replied. “To tell you the truth, I kind of feel the same way; I know I dreamed but I don’t know what it was about other than that it made me uneasy.”
Johanna glanced at him. “Do you think the wine was bad?”
He shrugged. “Either that or the leftover pizza we ate.”
“Or both,” she suggested.
“That’s also possible; but don’t worry,” he said as they reached his car. “I’m sure we’ll both sleep better tonight, whatever it was will be out of our systems by then.”
“I certainly hope so,” she said as he opened the door for her.
“Are you sure you’re up for a movie?” Jim asked.
“Yes, I’ll be fine…it’s your turn to buy the popcorn and you’re not getting out of it that easily,” she quipped.
Jim grinned. “I assure you that I’m more than happy to provide your popcorn today.”
Kate smiled a little as she watched them until the car faded from site and her screen returned to normal. “You’re sure she doesn’t remember? She’s talking about odd dreams.”
“She doesn’t remember, Katie; and neither does he. I told you; they would have the memory of the time they would’ve had if we hadn’t popped in, that’s why they’re blaming the wine. If we hadn’t popped into their world, they would’ve spent the majority of the weekend together and that’s what they know. She has a headache because I had to work hard to make her forget but she did indeed forget and so did he so do not worry; they are as they should be in that time and place.”
“Good,” she murmured. “She was so determined that she could make herself remember everything.”
“I know; but all is well…and now it’s time for you to make things be that way in this time and place.”
“I just don’t know what to say, Sarah,” Kate said quietly. “I just have no idea what to say or how to even go about this.”
The spirit glanced at her. “You could try the words that you hate saying?”
“And what do you think those are?” she asked.
“I’m sorry,” Sarah answered. “I know you hate to say that phrase because you think you never have anything to be sorry for…but today might be a day to use all the words you don’t like to say…I’m sorry. I love you. I want to do better.”
“I say those things, Sarah.”
“Not always…and not all of them. You’re so afraid of tarnishing that tough cop image that you allow things to go unspoken because it might make you look soft…like a mere woman with feelings and emotions. You need to remember that you have more than one side, Katie. Sometimes you need to put your badge away.”
Kate sighed deeply. “That’s hard to do…it’s who I am.”
Sarah shook her head. “No; it’ s a part of who you are, but it’s not all you are and you need to remember that and learn to let those other sides of yourself see the light of day.”
“I’ll try, Sarah.”
“Try hard, darling…really try; don’t give just some half-hearted effort. Remember what you were told before I brought you home.”
“I remember everything she said,” Kate replied. “It’s been playing on a loop through my brain all night.”
“Then you know what you have to do, don’t you?”
She nodded. “Yes…are you going too?”
Sarah smiled. “No, not in the way that you mean. I’ll be watching but I won’t be making my presence known. The last thing your mother needs is to think someone had a hand in sending you to her…that wouldn’t go well at all. She wouldn’t believe that you came because you wanted to, only that you were being forced.”
“But you’re not forcing me.”
“No; but that’s how it would seem to her.”
She sighed deeply. “I guess that’s true…and I wouldn’t be able to prove otherwise.”
Sarah gave her a smile. “You’ll be fine without me. You’ve gotten through harder things.”
“That’s true.”
“Then turn the key and make the drive, Katie…you’ll feel better once it’s done.”
Kate blew out a breath and turned the key in the ignition before glancing back to the passenger seat but she found it to be empty. Sarah had left her without a word and she wasn’t sure how to feel about the fact that this nosy ancestor wasn’t going to come along for the ride.
“I am not nosy,” a feminine voice stated although she didn’t materialize. “I am merely concerned and trying to complete a mission.”
“I know, Sarah, that’s the story for publication,” Kate quipped as she backed out of her parking space. “Let’s hope your mission ends on a high note.”
Kate rode past the front of her parents house, partially stalling the inevitable but also making sure that her mother didn’t have company. There weren’t any cars parked out front and so she made the turn at the end of the street that would take her around back. She drove slowly, seeing the driveway in the distance. Her father’s car wasn’t there, as Sarah had told her…but the red Mustang that her mother loved so much was parked there. She pulled in beside it and turned off the car, her gaze on the back door as she waited to see the flick of a curtain that would tell if her mother had heard her pull in. The curtain didn’t move; which probably meant that she was somewhere else in the house, Kate mused as she unhooked her seatbelt. She took a breath, an unusual touch of nerves gnawing at her stomach as she forced herself to grab her handbag and get out of the car.
She hated this…hated things being so bad that she felt awkward about seeing her own mother…the mother she had mourned so deeply and missed so much, only to keep pushing her away once she had been returned to her. Why did everything have to be so hard and complicated? “Because you make that way,” a little voice inside her whispered and she figured that was true…she did her fair share of making it that way.
Kate climbed the steps to the porch and then knocked on the door before she could lose her nerve. The first knock went unanswered, making her brow furrow as she knocked again. This time she heard footsteps and the soft tones of her mother’s voice speaking to someone.
“It was great, I enjoyed it so much. I’m glad the box made it to you, I wasn’t sure if it would,” Johanna Beckett was saying into the phone as she pulled the door open, her gaze colliding with her daughter’s.
Kate gave her a small hint of a smile, seeing surprise flick across her mother’s face as she unlocked the screen door and pushed it open before leaning down to nudge Scarlett away from it. She wasn’t sure it was the look of a surprise that she wanted though, Kate thought to herself.
“Can I call you back,” Johanna said to the person she was speaking to. “Katie just came to the door…yeah…I better see what it’s about. I’ll call you back in a little while so we can finish our chat.”
Johanna ended her call and laid her phone on the table, her gaze moving to her daughter once more.
“I’m sorry I interrupted your call,” Kate stated as she shifted on her feet, her gaze lowering to Scarlett as she sniffed her.
“It’s okay, I’ll call her back.”
“Maggie?” she asked, hesitating to dive into the deeper conversation.
“No, Carolyn…I sent her some souvenirs. She called to let me know she had gotten them,” Johanna said as she moved to the counter where she had been prepping meals that she intended to cook and freeze. “Is there something you need?”
Kate was quiet for a long moment as she studied her mother; her tone had been neutral but cool; her attention now on the tray of lasagna she seemed to be preparing. “It’s kind of early in the day to be making lasagna,” she commented.
“I figured I’d take advantage of the cooler temperatures today to make some things to freeze,” Johanna remarked. “Do you need something, Katie?”
“Yeah…I needed to know if you came home,” she replied, keeping her tone soft. “You didn’t call or text.”
“Neither did you.”
“I thought you were still on your trip…you never did tell me when to expect you back…I did my best to guess based off what I was told and we’re a week over that estimate. Why didn’t you let me know you were back?”
Johanna shrugged. “I didn’t think it mattered.”
“Why wouldn’t it matter?” Kate asked.
“I would think that’s obvious,” she replied.
“You’re still mad?”
“No, I’m not mad,” Johanna said as she continued to prepare her tray of lasagna.
“Then what do you call it?”
“What does it matter?”
“Because I want to know,” Kate replied as she sat her handbag on the counter.
Johanna sighed deeply. “I call it being over it…being done…making my peace and accepting how things are. That’s what I call it, Katie. I’m just done with it.”
The words of the younger version of her mother that she had met echoed through her mind at the pronouncement. “She’s not mad…she’s just done.”
Kate swallowed hard. “Done…with me?”
“I can’t ever be done with you, Katie…but I’m done with how things are. I’m not going to keep traveling that road. You’re married now…you have the family that you choose…and you have every right to choose the people you want to be surrounded by. Does it hurt me that I’m not included in that group? Of course…but I spent part of my trip making my peace with some things, Katie. I can’t hold you when you don’t want to stay. I never wanted it to be this way but it is and no one is to blame for that but myself. You have every right to push me into a corner of your life and leave me there. I don’t blame you…too much damage was done all because I took a case I shouldn’t have…I can’t change it. I wish I could but I can’t…and while I was in London, I learned that I can’t keep carrying that weight of wishing I could go back and change things because I can’t and I have to accept that. I have to accept that I can’t change it…I have to accept that too much damage was done between us for it to ever be the way it was. I had to accept a lot of things…because the only way I’m ever going to get out from under it is if I let go of the what ifs and wishes that aren’t ever going to come true. I don’t want to be held down by that weight anymore…and I don’t want you held down by it either. It was clear to me that I’m not someone you really want in your life and you have every right to feel that way. I’m still going to love you and worry about you…but if I want you to be happy, which I do…then I had to let you go so you can move on with your life and your family and be happy.”
“I never said that I didn’t want you in my life,” Kate told her.
“You don’t have to say the words; you show it in many ways…and no, I’m not going to argue with you about it, so please don’t pick a fight.”
“I don’t want to pick a fight…but I want to know why you think I don’t want you in my life,” she said as Johanna slid the pan of lasagna into the oven and set the timer.
Her mother sighed a little. “Katie, the past two years are chalk full of examples…hell just look at how your wedding planning went if you want recent ones. I was pushed aside for Martha…and yes, that hurts me and I hate it…but I can’t fight you on it anymore. It’s your right to choose the person that you want to be in the role of your mother figure. I think it’s wrong that I had to do all the grunt work of birthing you and raising you only for her to get you in the end but that’s life.”
“I haven’t chosen Martha over you.”
“You have…and it’s okay.”
“How can you say that!?” she exclaimed.
“Because I’m tired of doing battle, Katie. All these weeks that I’ve been away from all of this…it gave me peace…but it also gave me time to think and figure some things out…and what I figured out is that I’m ready to stop carrying all this weight. And I know that makes me sound selfish but I just can’t do it anymore. I can’t just keep fighting for a place in people’s lives who don’t want me there. Colleen and I have a tiny hint of a relationship…secret emails and occasional texts…but I let the ball in her court. I let her message first unless it’s a birthday or something, then I’ll send her a message, but other than that, I leave it up to her. I’ve given up on Sharon…well, actually I gave up on her a long time ago, but I made up my mind that I’m not going to go through those awkward little small talk sessions at the grocery store anymore when I run into her. She tends to be there on Wednesdays…so I’m going to go on a different day or at the very least, a different time of day. There’s nothing left of that relationship so there’s no reason to keep trying. I know who to avoid, who prefers me to pretend I don’t know them. It’s time to be okay with that.”
“What does that have to do with me?” Kate asked.
Johanna moved to the cupboard, taking down a mug before she moved to the coffee pot to pour herself a cup of coffee. She was quiet while mixing in her preferred vanilla flavoring and then moved to the table and sat down as her daughter looked at her oddly. “Usually you ask me if I want something,” she said, surprise coloring her tone.
“If you want a cup of coffee, help yourself.”
Instead of pouring herself a cup of coffee, Kate moved to the table and sat down across from her mother. “I was asking you what your comments had to do with me,” she remarked.
“When we were planning our trip to London, your father made the comment that he was going to get travelers medical insurance for us and I said that we probably didn’t need it. He told me he didn’t want to take chances since we’d be out of the country, that we needed it just in case we got sick or something happened and I said okay, whatever he thought was best. About three weeks into our trip, I said to him that I wasn’t sure I felt right…that my chest didn’t feel the way it usually does…that I felt like I wasn’t breathing the way I normally did. He watched me, he listened all that day, even through the night he’d wake up and check on me and he told me I was breathing normally…but to me I wasn’t. I felt like it was slower than it usually was and I still felt like my chest didn’t feel the same. I couldn’t quite explain it to him, just that it didn’t hurt but it didn’t feel the way I was used to and it was worrying me. So he called one of his colleagues and asked where he could take me to get checked. The people that Jim and Jeff worked with in London were incredibly kind in every way possible and when he told that colleague that I wasn’t feeling right that man called his own doctor and asked him if he’d see me,” Johanna said.
“Did he?” Kate asked as trepidation slid down her spine.
She nodded. “He was at a local hospital that day seeing to some of his patients and he said we could meet him there. We went and met him; he asked me what was wrong. I told him that I didn’t have any pain or any symptoms of anything but that my breathing was different…like it was slower than I was used to. I told him about the feeling in my chest, that it was a sensation I couldn’t really explain. He told me to try anyway. I told him it felt loose for lack of better words. He went through all the routine things and did a few tests…while your father looked at me and said, “see the insurance was a good idea”…not that I was worried about money in that moment. In all honesty, I was scared and I knew Jim was worried. It seemed like everything was taking forever but finally the doctor came back with the results of everything. He looked over the chart and said my blood pressure was normal, my oxygen levels were normal, my heart rate was normal. My blood work was fine, my lungs were clear, my heart was functioning normally. He said, “Mrs. Beckett, there’s nothing wrong with you. I told him he had to be mistaken.”
“Did he do more tests?” Kate asked, unease gnawing at her.
“No,” Johanna replied. “He said we should talk about other causes. He asked me to tell him how my chest usually felt. I told him it usually felt like there was a little bit of tightness which I had mentioned to doctors before only to be told nothing was wrong. The doctor asked how long I had felt that way and I told him fifteen years. He said that was a very specific answer and asked how I knew it had been exactly that long…which is when I had to explain to him the dumpster fire my life became in that time frame…which I didn’t enjoy going through the whole thing but I figure everyone else knows so what does it matter. I told him all of it, being in Wyoming all those years, coming home, what we went through, the trial, discord with family and friends…that I didn’t have much of a relationship with my daughter who had just gotten married and that being a part of that moment in her life hadn’t gone as I had hoped it would. He then asked how we came to be in London and Jim told him about doing work for the law firm; that we’d be there for about two months. The doctor asked if I was enjoying England and I said I was having a great time…because I was, Maggie and I were out every day seeing the sights or shopping or just soaking up the country. We saw some plays on the West End; we even managed to catch a glimpse of the Queen not long after we had gotten there and that was so exciting to me. When Jim and Jeff got off work, then we were out to eat or sightseeing or some other event. I told the doctor that we had gone to Scotland that past weekend, because Jim and Jeff only had to work Monday through Thursday over there, so we had three-day weekends to take little side trips. I told him how much I had enjoyed getting to see Scotland and that we were planning a trip to Ireland for another weekend. The doctor asked me when I started feeling this sensation that I had come to him about and I said it started when we got back from Scotland…and that I was upset to have had this happen when I was having such a good time and seeing so many things I’ve always wanted to see. That doctor looked me in the face and said “There’s nothing wrong with you, Mrs. Beckett. You’ve been in a constant state of anxiety, stress and fear for fifteen years…you got to the point where your body just accepted the tightness and feeling like you were breathing just a little bit faster as normal for you…because you were locked in that cycle…and now, here, where you’re away from all of that business and bad relationships and worry…the cycle broke. You’re out living life and having fun and enjoying yourself…and your body has adjusted to that anxiety being gone now…but your brain is so used to it being there that it made you think something was wrong because it was gone. That odd feeling that you think is in your chest is really how it’s supposed to feel…how it probably felt sixteen years ago and you just don’t remember how it feels to have that weight be gone so you can breathe normally again,” she said, tears choking her voice. “You finally found peace, that’s why you feel different. And that hit me pretty hard…that I had literally forgotten what it felt like to be a normal person…to breathe normally, to not have that weight laying on my chest every day of my life. You feel really stupid realizing that you went to a doctor in another country, thinking you’re having some kind of medical issue only to find out that you just remembered how to breathe normally.”
“I’m glad you’re okay,” Kate said slowly. “But I’m not sure I understand why you’re telling me this.”
“I’m telling you because he was right…that for fifteen years, I have been in that constant state of anxiety…even on my good days, it was still there lingering and I accepted it as normal. I asked the doctor how I could keep it from coming back and he said I just needed to do what I had been doing…live my life, enjoy myself, have fun…set boundaries, take care of myself for once. Jim agreed with that…and after being assured twice more that I was completely fine, we left after a very long day and part of the evening. Jim and I talked a lot that night when we got settled back at the house we were staying at….”
“About what?”
“About how I wanted to keep feeling the way I had been since we got to London…that sense of peace…and I realized that to keep that feeling there were things I’d need to let go of…things that I needed to leave in the past. Things I needed to accept and move on from so I could keep that feeling when I got home to New York.”
“Meaning what?”
“Meaning what I told you earlier; that I can’t change the past…and even though it’s hard for me to do, I have to accept that. I can’t go back in time and fix it no matter how much I wish I could. It happened and there’s nothing I can do about it…but I don’t have to let it keep suffocating me. The only way I can get past it is if I get out from under it…and I want out from under it. I don’t want it held over my head anymore. I don’t want it slapped in my face anymore. It happened…but I got to come home…and I want to enjoy my life now that I have it back. In London, I didn’t have anyone harping on it or judging me or hating me…I just got to be me and that was incredibly freeing. There’s always going to be a part of me that hurts but I don’t have to focus on that part. I need to let it go…and I know there are a lot of people who don’t want that for me…but like your father told me, for once, I need to take care of me…and that’s what I’ve been doing. I’ve been letting go…and living my life and learning to accept that some things are out of my control and how people feel about me, is one of those things.”
Kate sighed softly; recalling the words of the younger version of her mother, “Maybe I can’t let go because you won’t let me.” “So…moving on was easier for you because you were away from all the people that drag you down?” she asked.
Johanna nodded. “Yes.”
She worried her bottom lip. “Am I included in that group of people?”
Her mother met her eye. “As much as I hate to say it…yes….”
Tears stung her eyes. “Wow.”
“Katie, you’re so afraid that I’m going to forget what happened, that you spend most of your time reminding me of it so that I can’t get away from it. Every time something becomes an issue between us, that’s the first dagger you throw. I understand that you’re still angry…”
“I’m not,” she said sharply.
“You are…and I know, you’re never really going to forgive me…especially when you have so many people in your head convincing you that you’re always right and I’m always the bad guy.”
She shook her head. “That’s not true.”
“It is,” Johanna replied. “And you have every right to not forgive me…every right to listen to whoever’s voice you want to when you don’t want to remember that you have your own. I thought about you all the time when I was in London…my fingers would itch to reach for the phone to send you a message or to call but I wouldn’t let myself do it.”
“Why?” she asked, a touch of anguish in her tone.
“Because…you made it clear that you don’t really want me in your life, Katie; and that’s no one’s fault but mine…and I can’t change the reason you feel that way…but I can walk away and give you peace. You have a family that you chose for yourself…and it’s so easy to see that they matter more than the family you were born to and I can’t make you feel differently. I can’t make you let me in. I can’t make you forgive me or love me or need me or want me around. I can’t keep fighting you for something you don’t want to give me…so I didn’t call or text. I just let you go because that’s what you wanted from me and it was the only thing left I could do for you.”
“So you’re cutting me off?” Kate asked, a sting spreading across her heart.
“No, I’d never cut you off completely. If you call, I’ll answer. If you knock on the door, I’ll let you in. I’m just not going to beg you anymore, Katie. I love you; I’ve loved you from the moment I knew of your existence…and loving you means I want you to be happy; and I know you’re not happy with me trying to keep my foot in the door in your life. It doesn’t make me happy to let go of the fight; because you know I’ve always hated to lose…but I can’t keep fighting you and letting you push my head under water with those daggers that I mentioned a few moments ago. I’ve paid for my sins. You might think I haven’t but I know that I paid for thirteen long, painful years and that in many ways I’m still paying. I have begged, I have cried, I’ve tried reasoning with you, I’ve tried fighting you, letting you alone, I’ve tried everything I can think of, Katie…and the only thing left to do is to let you go and be happy in your life. It’s not that I don’t want to be a part of it, I do…but it’s not what you want.”
“That’s not true!” she cried. “I don’t want you to give up on me…you’re my mother!”
“I’m aware of that…but I’m not the type of mother you want. You found someone else to fill the role and I can’t compete with her, Katie. She’s clean and I’m still trying to wash the dirt off. I don’t blame you for wanting someone less complicated…but it hurts…and I don’t need it shoved in my face that you found something better.”
“She’s not my mother! You are! How can you do this!? How can you say you’re letting me go?”
“Because I love you,” Johanna replied. “I love you enough to give you peace.”
Tears broke free against her will, spilling down her cheeks. “I don’t want this,” she cried. “I don’t want you to let me go…I don’t want to go.”
“What do you want, Katie?” Johanna asked. “Because I feel like you’re happier without me in the way…and I think your husband prefers me not to be in your life as well.”
She shook her head. “That’s not true.”
“It is,” she said with a sad smile. “He told me I’m the cause of every bad thing in your life.”
Kate closed her eyes. “We’ve talked about that, Mom…you and I, and how it isn’t true…and how he just said it in the heat of the moment.”
“Doesn’t mean that he doesn’t really believe that,” she replied. “Believe me, it’s not a newsflash that I’m the cause of bad things in this family…it’s not something that makes me proud or feel good…but I would like to be able to live my life without being constantly reminded of it.”
“I get that,” Kate replied. “And you should be able to do that…you should be able to have peace in your life and I’m sorry that I became one of the people who was dragging you down.”
“You can’t help how you feel, Katie,” Johanna told her. “And I can’t ask you to feel differently. I can be in the background of your life if that’s where you need me to stay. Like I said, if you call, I’ll answer. If you knock on the door, I’ll let you in. If you need me, I’ll be there…but on your terms…because I’m not going to keep fighting for something you don’t want me to have. It’s not good for you and it’s not good for me either…and although I’ve always been big on self-punishment when it comes to myself, I’m getting kind of tired of it.”
“I don’t want you to punish yourself and I don’t want you to punish me by dropping out of my life because you think that’s what I want. It’s not what I want!”
“Then what do you want?” Johanna asked. “You still haven’t told me what it is that you want me to do.”
“I want you to be my mother!” Kate exclaimed.
“In what way?”
“What do you mean in what way? The way you always have been.”
“I tried that…you didn’t want it.”
Kate felt her patience growing thin but she fought to keep hold of her temper. “I know, okay. I know…I missed you for so long, I got you back and things seemed like they were going to be fine and then I just kept screwing it up and making it worse. I got my second chance to have my mother and I’ve blown things so much that she’s more than willing to drop out of my life without hesitation and you don’t know how much that hurts me.”
Johanna met her eye. “Do you think it doesn’t hurt me to sit here and think that you’re happier without me and that walking away might be the best and only thing left that I can do for you? Do you think that doesn’t hurt me? You’re the only child I have; you are half of my heart and I have loved you every second of your life. So don’t sit there and think it doesn’t hurt me to think of letting you go because it does; it hurts in ways you can’t imagine, especially when I know it’s my fault.”
“It’s my fault that you got to that point,” Kate said, a sting of tears in her eyes. “But I don’t want it to be this way.”
“Neither do I.”
“Then why do you sound like you’ve done made up your mind and it’s going to be that way no matter what?”
“Because I anticipate you being fine with it being that way,” Johanna told her. “Because that’s the impression you’ve given me for a good while. I don’t want it to be that way; but it’s how you’ve made me feel.”
“I said I was sorry…don’t you believe me?”
“I’d like to,” her mother said. “But, Katie; I’ve heard it before and you turn around and do the same damn things over and over…and I can’t keep doing that. I don’t want us being distant relatives; that’s the last thing I’ve ever wanted but I want you to be happy and I don’t make you happy.”
“I’m not happy without my mother.”
“And I’m not happy when I feel like my presence hurts you…and I’m not happy when you’re hurting me. I don’t want to hurt you…and I want you to stop hurting me,” Johanna told her.
“Then can’t we stop doing that?” she asked.
“I would like nothing more than for that to stop.”
“Then can’t you give me another chance?” Kate asked. “Can’t you let me try to be better?”
“How do you intend to do better?” Johanna questioned. “You know, I have a habit of giving in to you only to be slapped in the face in the end.”
“I’m not going to do that this time,” she replied. “I promise, you, I don’t want it to be the way it has been. I’m not going to pick a fight with you every time you turn around. I’m not going to keep hanging the past over your head…because that’s not good for either one of us. I want to be able to talk to you whenever I want. I want to be able to see you…I want to know you get home safely from trips. I want you to know I’m safe…and…I just want you there, for whatever comes…you know, hopefully one day in the future, I’ll have that little girl you cursed me with and I don’t want to be in a hospital holding her wishing you were there; thinking about how I blew the second chance I had for you to be there.”
“I want to be there, Katie.”
“Then be there, Mom,” she cried. “Please…let’s just try again. Can’t we do that?”
Johanna was quiet for a long moment; a multitude of emotions flicking across her face.
“Mom, please,” Kate pleaded. “I don’t want it to be this way…I swear it’ll be different this time. I don’t want to hurt you anymore. I just want us to be what we always were. Please, let me try.”
“Why does it matter to you now?” Johanna asked. “After all this time of the bad times outweighing the good…why now?”
“Because I don’t want to lose you…and there’s a lot of things I can’t explain, but…when you didn’t let me know that you got home from London; I felt like…well…I admit at first I felt like you were being petty and I wasn’t going to give in to it…but then, I started to think about it a lot…and I started to realize that you were just done; and I couldn’t stand the thought of that. I don’t want you to be done. I don’t want to be the reason that you carry anxiety. I…I know I have to let go of the past so you can too. I want you to be where you’re supposed to be in my life. I’m ready to leave the past where it belongs…because ripping the scabs off the wounds all the time isn’t going to help either one of us heal. I want to do better…please let’s try to be better.”
“Alright, Katie,” Johanna said quietly. “We’ll try again.”
“Really?” Kate asked.
She nodded. “But it has to be different this time, Katie…for both our sakes.”
“I agree,” she told her. “I promise I’m going to get it right this time. I don’t want us to go this long without talking again. I miss you…even when I’m trying to tell myself that I don’t.”
“I miss you too,” Johanna replied.
Kate gave her a small wobbly smile. “Then maybe we can go to lunch sometime this coming week and catch up a little?”
“That would be nice…just us, right?”
“Yes, just us…mother-daughter lunch.”
“You let me know when you want to do that.”
“I will, I promise.”
“Okay…and if you change your mind about all of this, you just say so and I’ll back off,” Johanna told her.
“That’s not going to happen.”
“I hope not…but you’ll have to forgive me for being cautious for awhile.”
“I don’t blame you for that…but I’ll prove to you that it’s going to be right this time.”
“Alright, Katie.”
She smiled as she rose from her chair and made her way to her mother’s side, beckoning her to do the same.
Johanna looked at her in puzzlement as she got up. “What?”
Kate wrapped her arms around her mother in an embrace. “You haven’t hugged me in a long time,” she said quietly. “I figure it’s overdue.”
Johanna’s arms tightened around her. “I’m sorry.”
“Me too.”
“I love you, Katie; even when times are bad.”
She swallowed hard. “I know…I love you too.”
As she held on tightly to her mother for another moment, a flash of light caught her eyes and she looked up to see Sarah standing in the doorway of the kitchen. The spirit smiled as she gave an approving nod.
Sarah lingered although she had faded from Kate’s sight, watching as mother and daughter continued to make their careful amends with the offer of a small snack that Kate accepted instead of declining as she usually did. She smiled to herself, feeling that all would be well this time. “Mission accomplished,” Sarah murmured; now the next generation could be born into a more harmonious environment between mother and daughter as it had always been intended to be…and much sooner than either one of them realized.