Archive of Our Own beta

Look for Moonshine
Jaina Look for Hardwon
Jaina look for Bev
Jaina try the punch

Chapter 7 Chapter Text

You have shined and polished your full plate armour. You have plucked your chin of any in-grown hair. Jaina Bronzebeard, you look incredible.

It's a shame all your plans have gone awry!

What you wanted was a lovely regency ball, something out of Bridgerton. But ever since the last party you organised - an excellent evening for exchanging weapon maintenance tips and wrestling - there's been a strange rumour going around. A laughable rumour! A rumour that you, Jaina Bronzebeard, strong of arm, straight of back, shiny of armour, do not know how to party.

This rumour shames you and your house.

But your best friend Hardwon does know how to party, as he has assured you relentlessly. He has, after all, had sex thirty seven times, once in a refrigerator(?). And thus you asked him for help.

And then he asked Beverly for help. And Beverly somehow got Pendeghast the Betrayer, former Dark Lord of the One Hells, to help. And suddenly the regency ball of your dreams turned into a Halloween costume contest and disco in hell.

You find it very difficult to beat the allegations that you might be somewhat high strung given your response to receiving the news of the new venue was to scream with rage. But it's fine. You're cool now. Jaina can party. Jaina can totally party! Anyone who says you cannot party is dishonourable and you will challenge them to a duel.

Arriving at the Marriot Bonvoy in Hell, you remove your shining helmet, gazing out at the strange, burning event hall. At the door, several Frost Dwarves are excitingly discussing their plans to get engaged to a busty, dungareed elf.

Oooohhh, Hardwon and Beverly will pay for this.

What do you want to do first?

Chapter 8 Chapter Text

You and Jaina sign up for the costume contest. You explain to Jaina that you've signed up for Best Pun Costume, and you're basically a shoe-in! So is she, with your hilarious Purple Nurple costume! Haha!

Jaina's hands keep mysteriously balling into fists whenever you point out how funny she looks. But before you can tactfully ask her worm's eating her, the two of you are called up on stage.

To the surprise of Jaina, you're declared the funniest costume! Actually, Pendergreens shoves a ribbon into your hand that says Best Pun and announces that the winner of Best Pun is contractually obligated to never enter another costume contest, which is a bummer but at least you're appreciated!

Jaina comes second and wins a date with a member of the Band of Boobs!

You both wait, expectantly, only for Balnor to get up on stage. "Hey," he says. "Good to see ya. I got Alanis to figure out how to make a single Wish thingy so we could hang out together. An day with Balnor, that's the prize! Kinda...wasn't expecting you to win, Jaina! Was more expecting Bev or Hardwon."

"BALNOR!" You shout.

"I forfeit," Jaina says. "I forfeit immediately."

That's fine with you! You and Balnor skip off stage to the nearest mini golf in Hell, where you catch up and play a few rounds of dad-son golf. What a great time!

BEV WINS!

Time to change your outfit, which is DEFINITELY YOUR IDEA.

Chapter 9 Chapter Text

When you look into the audience, Rust is laughing at you. He's making sure to point and shout, "Hey! Look at that guy! I bet he likes reading too!"

When you look up at the podium, Triss is also laughing at you, which feels worse somehow. You feel maybe two foot tall, which is hard because you're pretty sure you're six foot...something (your driver's license still says six foot six, but you haven't updated it since your reincarnation), strong of calf and quad. Weak of skin. Very weak of skin.

You lose 10 cool guy points, putting you into -1209203430 cool guy points, but you can't read numbers that large so try not to worry too much about that deficit.

You walk away quickly to change outfit, a thing that is absolutely your idea and you do not feel terribly about it AT ALL.

Chapter 10 Chapter Text

Bev gasps. "I have the perfect idea! Don't worry Jaina, all my pranks are absolutely flawless!"

You wish you were a paladin with access to Zone of Truth. Perhaps an Oath of Devotion (To Women)? Oath of Glory (To Lesbians)? Oath of the Watchers (Of Boobies)?

"Callooh! Callay!" Bev shouts and actually jumps up and clicks his heels together. Ah, yes. That's why you're not a paladin. You could never stomach such a level of sheer cringe. Thank you, Beverly. "Come on, I'll explain on the way!"

Hell is lovely this time of year. Lovely's the wrong word. It's a barren wasteland of nine rings shoved into a single plane, broken teeth of rocks and cliffs over an endless vista of lost souls. Bev is leading Denny out over the red dirt. "Honestly, you could really make a killing in the real estate market out here!"

"O-oh, d-d-d-definitely!" Says Denny Pebblepot, who uncharacteristically ignored his survival instincts to follow Bev when Bev said he had a business proposal. "We could turn this w-whole place into an AirBnB!"

You follow at a distance, catching up when Bev gives you the nod. Denny looks out over hell and, as Bev suggested, you shove him hard. He topples backwards, over Beverly who has dropped to the floor to tabletop him. "Got you!" Bev cries as Denny tips over, falling onto his shoulders behind Bev. "I got your ass! I totally--"

When Denny rolls, his feet going over his shoulders, momentum carries him further than either of you have planned. He screams as he falls off the edge of the cliffside, tumbling into the abyss. He falls deep into a chasm of hell. Later, you'll learn he was saved only by the sheer amount of piss he produced in fear, which softened the ground below so it sort of cradled him when he landed.

This is, unfortunately, not taken into account when Dolores Pebblepot uses her connections to have you and Bev arrested for injuring her nephew. Your defense attorney, Duncan Pebblepot, passes out first day of court, and you're convicted immediately. You and Beverly will be serving the rest of your days as indentured bodyguards to the ever-growing legion of Pebblepots, a fate worse than any death!

For your love story with Moonshine, it's GAME OVER!

Chapter 11 Chapter Text

You climb up to the judge's podium, sneaking under the table. Maw maw is watching, horrified, as Hardwon dances to an imaginary song. Triss is checking her nails. But your attention is laser focused on Ulfgar.

"Hey, Ulfgar," You whisper, tugging on his beard.

"Hey, Moony," he says, glad of the distraction. "What can I do ya for?"

"This whole thing," you say. "Now y'all know I don't really believe in any kinda external award system, I think ya gotta be who ya are without the validation of others."

"For sure," says Ulfgar, a man who desperately longs for the external validation of one extremely high high elf in particular. "Mmhmm, oh yeah, no doubt, no doubt."

"But this whole rigmarole, it's really important to Hardwon," you whisper and tug his beard again.

"I can see that," Ulfgar says, narrowing his eyes as he examines Hardwon's silent dance moves. There are tears in Hardwon's eyes, as though he's rolled a low stealth check to hide his emotions. "Are ya here to ask me to give him a pass? It is the right dance..."

"So there is a dance!" Bev looks amazed. "Maybe I should try and watch it again..."

"Ahh, maybe, don't," you say. "Ulfgar is there anything me and young Bev can do to make this decision...easier for you?"

Ulfgar considers this. He folds his arms over his chest and strokes his beard, ignoring your hand currently tugging said beard. "I have a message," he says, slowly. "A vital message I need you to take to Alanis."

"Uh huh," you say.

"Tell her..." he pauses for a long time. You realise he is trying to look cool. "Tell her...indubbitubly sup."

"Not...indubitably?" Bev asks.

"That one," Ulfgar says. "Or whatever. Just tell her...sup."

"We will carry this message for you on our honour," Bev tells him, very seriously. The two of you retreat back under the judge's table, after you tug on Ulfgar's beard one last time.

Down below, Pendergreens calls for a vote from the judges. Hardwon is still doing his weird jig.

"Regrettably," Maw Maw says, "I must vote for my champion, Hardwon Surefoot!"

"Regrettably?" Hardwon asks in a small voice.

"Umm," says Triss. "I vote for the unicorn because he gave me a big bag of money."

"Whoa!" Pendergreens shouts. "That's illegal! Unicorn, you're disqualified!"

The unicorn lowers their head and stomps off stage.

"Umm," says Triss. "In that case, I vote for the little kobold dude. I thought his joke about the defenestration of Prague was hilarious after he explained the complicated background and his murder by the hand of Moonshine Cybin!"

"One point for me!" Josh shouts. "And one point for history! I read wikipedia articles on my speaking stone between sets," he says to Hardwon.

"I truly don't care," Hardwon replies.

"That leads the deciding vote to Ulfgar Trueaxe," Pendergreens says, sounding a little put-out that nobody has voted for him.

You tug Ulfgar's beard three more times, one tug for every letter of the word sup.

"I vote for love and honour! Hardwon Surefoot," Ulfgar says, nobility writ in every line of his weatherworn face.

Down on the stage, Hardwon punches the air before gathering himself. "It truly didn't even matter to me that much," he says. "I knew I'd win." He wipes his face.

You and Bev look at each other as you reunite, but whatever emotion you feel is overcome by your love for your friend.

Friendship wins!

Chapter 12 Chapter Text

"Ren," You say. "I'm really sorry that--"

"You hear that!" Ren screams. "He admits fault!"

Ren can only cast one ninth level spell a day. But his lawyer is a twentieth level solicitor able to cast the rare, forgotten, supplementary 3.25⅞ edition spell: Vexatious Litigation. It works a lot like the Maze spell except that you're transported to a court of law where the judge and jury are all copies of Ren, laughing that terrible laugh. The stained glass windows, once holding beautiful paintings of Dice Christ to refract the sunlight in bright colours over the flagstones, lie shattered on the ground before you.

He doesn't even ask how you plead! Judge Ren just brings down the gavel. "I award moi 500,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 gold in damages," Judge Ren says. "And I order Beverly Toegold V to immediately enter the workforce into a crushing dead-end job to pay me back!"

"Noooo!!" You scream, but Bailiff Ren is already dragging you away, throwing on a uniform for a magitech Fortune 500 company named Ren Corp. You tug on it and realise it's designed to siphon away all of your whimsy! You try to scream as they throw you into a chair behind a desk, but your mind is fixated on something...

What are the 401k options like here? Is there matching? Man, 2 days vacation. That's pretty good. Maybe you can use them to go fishing.

I guess this is your life now! GAME OVER.

Chapter 13 Chapter Text

You write a note for the punch spiker. It's a wonderful work of passive aggression, full of phrases like hey gang, friendly reminder! and I just think it would be so cool if...

SURE, you might kind of remember writing a passive aggressive note once that got several barbarians so mad and led to your first ever decapitation, but that episode had dragon pussy in it, so who actually remembers that part? You get too close to the fourth wall and your nose bleeds all over the final traces of the note.

Anyway, it's the principle of the thing! Nobody should have hard liquor sneaked into their punch! This is an all ages dance party! Alcohol is strictly optional!

Now that you've finished writing your note, you grab a cool, frosty beer.

"TOEGOLD!"

You almost drop the beer. "H-hey Jaina!" Jaina is wearing her formal armor. You try to figure out why, hiding the beer behind your back. "Did something happen?"

"What happened to a nice regency style ball?" Jaina demands. "Like Bridgerton!"

"I'm not allowed to watch Bridgerton!" You protest. "Mom says it's for her and Nana Kindleaf to watch while painting their feet and eating chocolate and that I can't watch it 'til I'm thirty three!"

"But Bridgerton's a masterpiece!" Jaina looks briefly so appalled at the idea that someone hasn't watched the Netflix show Bridgerton that she forgets her rage. There is a part of you that is aware of the impossibility of something called Netflix but it lives in the part of your brain that screams whenever Pendergreens talks about Rocket League or the Joker and it will peel its way out eventually, shrieking. You decide to ignore it. "And this party was going to be a masterpiece! What happened?"

"Oh!" You look around. You vaguely recall the party brief handed down to you by Hardwon. Jaina wants to have a party and dress up nice so she can confess to Moonshine or whatever. "I think I got stuck on the dress up part," you admit. "But look at you! You could be a, uh," It's hard to look directly at Jaina when she's glaring. Mostly because she seems to be setting you on fire with her eyes. "Hey, c'mon! You know Moonshine would never have gone for something showy for formal!"

Jaina looks thoughtful. Well, no. She looks like she's about to punch you. Then she looks thoughtful, lowering her raised fist. "You're right," she says, dejected. She picks up one of the bottles of beer and squints at the label. "Huh, it doesn't fit my macros...but I've been very good with the egg pouch...hardly any snack eggs. Yes...I'll still have the vicious v if I have one beer..."

"What?"

Jaina doesn't answer, downing the beer in one and handing the empty glass bottle to a passing imp, who eagerly eats it. "How does Hardwon drink thirty pints and still maintain a six-pack?"

"Oh, sister! You're asking questions I've asked myself a thousand times!" You try to save yourself with familiarity. Jaina looks at you with burning fury. You put the hand that was about to slap her shoulder back behind you. "If you still want to ask Moonshine out, you don't need to do all this!"

"I am all this," says Jaina.

"Bleak!" You consider your options. A whacky idea springs to mind! "Hey, I know! I bet you could get her attention if you won the costume contest! Or," You add quickly. "Came a close second to the person who will actually win!"

Jaina gives you a derisive look. But she seems to be considering it...

Why don't you offer her your back-up costume?

Purple Nurple Worm

Bookwyrm

Bee-holder

Chapter 14 Chapter Text

You retrieve the Rose of Irondeep, a beautifully wrought iron sculpture of a rose. Noble dwarves have used this to declare their intentions for centuries; you simply could not tell her that you.......like seeing her without it.

You bow deeply to Moonshine.

"Well that's kinda formal," she says.

"Moonshine," you begin, unsure of how to unspool your deep, yet chivalric-in-very-sexy-way feelings towards her. "My lady." You lean on the phrases on your ancestors, the secret words. "...Sup." You hand her the wrought iron rose, the pinnacle of dwarven work, a delicate artwork and say, "do you like this, or should I make it into a mushroom for you?"

Moonshine holds the delicate, beautiful rose the way most people might hold a rat and says, "It's pretty! But y'all know me, I love the dirt!"

"Yes," you say, sweating in your plate mail. Stupid, stupid, stupid! You take the rose from her and bend it into the shape of a mushroom. "So, like...is this better or...?"

"It's way cuter," Moonshine agrees, threading it through her hair. The two of you step out into the gardens of the Marriott Bonvoy.

Did it land shiny side up?

Chapter 15 Chapter Text

Hardwon was planning to dress up as some sort of clown guy. "Is that why you're wearing lipstick?" You ask him. "I thought you were breaking free of the cage of masculinity you've locked yourself in!"

"Yes," he says, after a long pause. "The...clown costume. That's why. I love my cage of cis-hetero masculinity!" His hands are shaking. You decide that this will probably be like the time you discovered one of his sketchbooks in that you've taken a quick peek beneath the facade and are now carefully turning away to let him re-build the wall he accidentally cracked. Better let him figure some stuff out in his own time.

Instead you select a different outfit. Buttoning a shirt taken from a Chosen Angel's uniform over his face, Hardwon holds the putrefying head of Galad Rosell under his arm. New costume: Headless Galad Rosell (with thicker quads)!

But once you've led him back stage to the costume contest, a horrible realisation hits you: Hardwon can't see shit! He bumps into the stage and swears loudly, nearly tripping. Should you help? How can you help?

Time for a luck check. Flip a DVD.

Did it land matte side up?

Chapter 16 Chapter Text

"Beverly," Jaina says as you pull out a black dragon onsie and a book bag. "I have questions."

"So many do!" You enthuse. "About my great taste in costumes, right?"

Jaina's eyes are fixed on the dragon onsie. "What is this thing?"

"It's a bookwyrm, silly!"

"This is not a worm."

"W-Y-R-M!"

"That's hilarious." Jaina looks shocked at how funny it is. You decide not to take offense at her surprise. "That's actually very funny, Beverly. I wasn't expecting that from you."

It's hard to not be offended at that. "You didn't expect me to be funny? Madame! I am the jokester of this crew! Once I pranked a god!"

You watch Jaina visibly run through a mental list of gods you have interacted with.

"The Watchman," you say. "It was kind of early on!"

"Oh, that asshole. That's fine."

"He broke my walking sticks over it!"

"You shouldn't have pranked him."

"Tell me about it!"

"This though..." Jaina holds the onesie close to her face. "This is...very funny...funnier even than egg jokes. But that doesn't seem possible..."

"Dragons lay eggs!" You remind her, brightly. You show her your book on dragon anatomy. "Look! Which is weird given--"

"Their oddly mammalian vaginas, yes," Jaina agrees, looking deeply troubled by the in-depth anatomical drawings. "I was expecting a cloaca..."

"Hardwon keeps asking to borrow it," you tell her. "His second girlfriend was a drug dealing bird and I'm pretty sure dragonborn and kenku are probably related in the same way dinosaurs and chickens are related!"

"And Gemma's second boyfriend was the Pale Prince," Jaina says. "Interesting how one took a massive step up and the other kind of freefell down, dating wise."

"What was your first girlfriend like?" you ask her.

"By my honour as a warrior," Jaina says. "I refuse to lie to you." She stares at the dragon book for a few moments more and hands it back, but does not answer your question.

DJ Starspawn stops the music. "STARSPAWN," it says into the mic. "STARSPAWN. STARSPAWN." Somehow you understand this to be, and now a word from our MC.

You both look towards the stage. Pendergreens has the mic. He clears his throat before saying, his voice muffled by his helmet. "Hello party people!" He says, voice muffled by his helmet. "The costume contest is now ready! There'll be prizes available for the winners, including," he pauses for dramatic effect. "A day with one of the Band of Boobs!"

When you turn around, Jaina is already wearing the costume. "Great, we're both entering!" You say, delighted.

"I will win, probably," Jaina tells you, hand on your shoulder. "This is a very funny costume. Beverly, I need you to do something for me."

"Of course!"

"When I attach my egg pouch," she indicates a bumbag filled with hard boiled eggs.

"A normal thing!"

"I need you to make a joke about dragons and eggs. Can you do that for me?"

"I swear it by my honour as a Green Knight!" You tell her, delighted. "Or Moonshine can take my humour patch again. She's done it before!"

Off to the costume contest!

Chapter 17 Chapter Text

You can smell the distinctive aroma of Martha Toegold's sticky buns. Dammit Bev, if you'd known Martha Toegold was catering, you would've insisted on accompanying the goods!

Which might be why you weren't told.

You beeline towards the plate of sticky buns, immediately double fisting them. There's some kinda weirdo in a unicorn costume standing near the sticky buns. "Nice try, bud," you say. "But that trophy's mine!"

The unicorn says nothing, but clops away a little suspiciously, making a muffled sound. There's something...familiar about that creep.

Will you still eat the sticky buns?

Eat the sticky buns.

Do not eat the sticky buns. :(

Chapter 18 Chapter Text

"Josh," you say, popping up beside him. "Why are you even here?"

"None of your business!" Josh says, ferociously. His eyes keep nervously darting to the audience, where you can see Rust is whooping and clapping.

"Are you here to impress Rust?!"

"So what?" Josh asks, sweating a little. "We both like winning things!"

"Yeah, sure," you say, turning. Rust, seeing Josh in trouble, is approaching. "Hey, tell your buddy that he's gonna lose to Pendergreens, will ya?"

"Who says?" Rust demands. "You can't tell us what to do! Why don't you go home and read something!"

"It feels like you're using my literacy as an insult," you say. "When it was in fact a hard-fought skill I learned myself." Paw paw screes behind you. "How about you read this?" After a moment or so of patting yourself down for a pen, you find one and slowly write F-U-C-K-Y-O-U on the wall.

"Psh, only losers can read that!" Rust huffs. "How about you go hang out with your best friend? It's probably a book, you reader!"

"Y'all know all well and good books can't be friends!" You retort. "Some kinda flying, talking book? You off yer dang rocker?"

"I bet you think it's your best friend," Rust challenges. "I bet you think it turns into a dragon!"

"Now that's more than enough," you cry. "Rust, y'all better be ready to throw down! We're gonna wrassle!"

"I am not getting my deposit back from those triplets," Pendergreens mutters in the background. "It was such a predatory deposit too. Like, almost 200% deposit."

Time for a skill check!

RUST

SKILL: 2

Chapter 19 Chapter Text

Pendergreens always makes his invitations on scrolls of teleport which you greatly appreciate given that it means you ain't burning high level spells just to call on the guy. Even a high level druid like Meemaw don't know when she might have to plane shift and call lightning in the same day.

The invitation spell scroll brings you down in the midst of the One Hell's famous Marriot Bonvoy hotel, some kinda venue opened up by three folk from one of them other planes. A shirtless model, a pastel goth nightmare, and a really, really, really old elf. You've paid them no mind thus far, except to shut down their weird pyramid scheme around...Vitamin Z? Hardwon has a few cases in his stump, but you've never pried into his business except to occasionally buy a case when he's looking especially tremulous in the old ego. How else you gonna use all the gold you made over the course of your adventure after all?

There's been no scams from the Marriot Bonvoy that you've heard of anyhow, and it's a handy venue. Tonight it's especially jumping, with a dance floor, a little stage where Pendergreens is arranging a costume contest with the iron fist of a community theater director, and plenty of tables covered in punch and treats. Upsettingly, the treats are mostly sweet, but hey! You take your cooking spices everywhere for a reason, right?

It's pretty unusual for you to go anywhere without Bev and Hardwon, but they said they'd meet you here. Maybe you should see if you can find one of them...

Look for Pendergreens

Offer to Help Hardwon with the Costume Contest

Chapter 20 Chapter Text

You decide this whole set up could be more fun with some alcohol and change the label to read SPIKED punch. People ought to know it's spiked before they imbibe, after all!

"Hey Moony," says Hardwon, coming to join you. He pours his flask into the punch too. The punch is now more crickwater than punch, which is the perfect ratio for punch.

Hardwon is dressed in a cheap Joker suit. You're pretty sure he's used some of Martha Toegold's lipstick for the face paint. You ask him if he has used some of Martha Toegold's lipstick for the face paint.

"Whoa," he says. "No, I used my lipstick!"

Hardwon's gotta figure out some stuff in his own time, you figure.

You ask him if he's entering the costume contest. Hardwon looks into the distance, pensively. He is, but he's afraid Pendergreens might win. Pendergreens has a whole monologue memorised.

You were not aware the movie Joker had monologues.

Maybe you should actually watch it instead of dismissing it as a nihilist fantasy for comically hypermasculine men.

Nah.

Check Out Pendergreens' Outfit

Chapter 21 Chapter Text

"Rust!" You cry like a roll of thunder. "Duel me right now! It's a matter of my honour as warrior!" And my future beloved's honour, you add in your head. Though you're certain Moonshine would take umbrage at the idea of having honour.

Rust eyes you while grinning. He's never won a fight against you. But then, the last time you fought, he had been alive and not a devil of some variety. "Bring it on, sister," he says.

"For the thousandth time," you say. "We are cousins."

"Dad was going to adopt me! He said!"

"Don't talk about that man to me!" You roar in a way you tell yourself is probably very measured and calm and totally not unhinged by rage at the mention of your sister-murdering father.

Skill check!

RUST

SKILL: 2

Chapter 22 Chapter Text

Jaina asks you to be her one and only, revealing this whole night was supposed to be a Bridgerton style ball, designed to ask for your heart. That's sweet, but the Crick folk aren't really into labels.

But as you step outside, Jaina's wearing the kind of pensive face that you recognise from Petries all over telling you that they wanna be more than just friends. Uh oh!

"Moonshine," Jaina says, retrieving an iron rose from her suit of comfortable full plate armour. "I made this for you."

"Nice!" You say, trying not to be unkind. "Is this like a commentary on druids and plants?"

"I should have said something like that," Jaina says, the blood draining out of her face. She says, "Do over, do over!" And clears her throat. "Moonshine," she says this time. "This rose, wrought from metal, represents the joining of the natural and the, uh," she looks at the rose. "Metal."

"D'you think a druid might be a little offended by a plant made outta something lifeless?" You ask.

"Oh Moradin," Jaina mumbles.

"I'm jokin'!"

Jaina looks like she's a second or two away from joining Moradin at his forge. She takes a deep breath and says, "I wanted to court you. I wanted to hold a regency ball."

"Like Bridgerton!"

"Just like Bridgerton," Jaina agrees, solemnly. "Which is why I asked Hardwon and Bev to help me throw this party."

"Aw, 'Jina," you take her hands in yours. "That's so sweet! And so...misguided! I don't want a regency ball! Or to be courted like a lady, if I'm honest."

But you're pretty fond of Jaina! And she's quite fond of you. Fond enough that the two of you absolutely hook up on a pile of Pendergreens's guest's coats in one of the bedrooms, and again under the stage during the costume competition.

And you'll probably hook up again soon, drunk on crickwater and the possibility of the future!

GAME WON!

Chapter 23 Chapter Text

As you turn your attention back to the stage, the unicorn clears his throat. "𝓱𝓾𝓱-𝓗𝓐𝓗," it says.

"Oh, Melora," you say. Paw paw screes.

"Tis I, Ren!" The unicorn moves apart and the backside stands up straight to reveal...Ren! The person in front takes off the unicorn's head to reveal...also Ren!

"What the heck?!" You shout. "Two Rens?!"

"Nobody else would be a unicorn with me, so I cast simulacrum!" Ren looks pleased.

"Good one, real Ren!" says the Simulacrum, who seems...British?

"Isn't that a spell you use when you're too sad to have real friends?" Hardwon asks, stuffing a sticky bun into his mouth. You recall there were a few on the buffet table.

"Nobody else is rich enough to keep up with me," Ren says.

"So you made a fake Ren? And you didn't even get to be the unicorn head?!" You ask, taken aback.

"Okay, enough!" Ren snaps. "You haven't heard of my latest scheme! I've been putting together a terrarium for my favourite poisonous frog, and he needs...enrichment. So I've cast a shrinking spell on the sticky buns! I knew if the alternative to sticky buns was disgusting poor people drink like punch or...water from a (ugh) creek, people would want the upper middle class sticky buns. And if I enchanted them, that would give me a handy supply of poors for my frog's tank!"

"On the one hand," you say, "I appreciate a poison frog. On the other, hey, you can't go round shrinking people without their consent!"

"Oh shit," Hardwon says, finishing the sticky bun in his hand. "And I've already eaten fifteen!" He puts another in his mouth. You stand beside him and he actually has to look up to meet your eyes. And then he has to crane his neck, and then he's only up to your knee, like a youngin. "Oh fuck. Moonshine, help!"

What can you do?

What else would you do?

Time to beat up Ren.

Chapter 24 Chapter Text

"Beverly," Jaina says as you unroll a large worm costume. "I have questions."

"So many do!" You enthuse. "About my craftmanship, right?"

Jaina's eyes desperately flick away. If you didn't know better, you'd say she was looking for an exit! "Explain. Why the nipples?"

"Because purple rhymes with nurple!"

"Purple," she repeats. Something has died behind her eyes and is waiting to be taken to see the Grinch movie. What is the Grinch? On the dance floor, DJ Starspawn is blasting the sounds of congregations chanting in unison from a thousand dimensions. Your nose bleeds.

"You should put this on!" You tell her. "Moonshine will think it's so smart and hilarious!"

"Will she?" Jaina asks.

You do not recall Moonshine cracking a smile at the Purple Nurple Worm costume.

"Hey! Why don't we both enter the costume contest?" You tug gleefully on Jaina's arm. "It'll be fun, right?"

"I may not have much," Jaina tells you, poking her finger into your nose. Boy, even her fingers have muscles! Moonshine has said something about Jaina having strong hands before, mostly while waggling her eyebrows. "But I have my honour as a warrior and a soldier, Beverly. I will not humiliate myself with a costume contest!"

DJ Starspawn stops the music. "STARSPAWN," it says into the mic. "STARSPAWN. STARSPAWN." Somehow you understand this to be, and now a word from our MC.

That's a surprise!

When you turn around, Jaina is already wearing the costume. "Great, we're both entering!" You say, delighted.

"Did he say day, or date?" Jaina asks.

"No idea!"

"It's not a day with you, is it?"

"Don't be silly!" You lean in close. "But if you'd like some advice from an old hand like me - why, Erlin and I have been dating for a whole six months!" Which is, to be fair, is a longer relationship than any of your adult friends has ever been in. Boy, you have a lot of adult friends. Welp, you'll unpack your difficulty connecting with others your age in therapy about twenty years from now in the Astral Plane! Your nose bleeds again at the convergence of timelines.

Jaina huffs. "I don't need dating advice from a teenager."

"Sorry! I'm really used to Moonshine and Hardwon. I don't think they've ever made it to a second date, you know?" You put your hands on your hips, glad to have another old hand in the world of dating to lean on the next time your adult friends need dating advice! "You've probably dated a ton of people, right? Hardwon's always talking about all the girls he's been with. Thirty-seven, he said. And something involving a refrigerator? If you were rolling with his crew in the day, I bet you've dated just as many!"

Jaina is visibly sweating. "I have my honour," she says. "I will not lie to you."

"Right!" You say. "But you've had a lot of girlfriends, right?"

"I will not lie to you," she repeats and walks away to sign up for the costume contest.

"Hold on! I'm signing up too!" You cry, chasing after her.

Chapter 25 Chapter Text

You should probably check out the other folks joining the costume contest. Not that they'll win! (Probably.) You stride over to the stage, hands on your hips. The audience isn't big...yet, but you can see Rust on one of the folding chairs in the back. Three judges sit atop the podium: Maw Maw, Ulfgar and...worst of all...a Triss.

You swallow, turning to face your opponents. A guy in a unicorn costume, Josh the Swolbold dressed as some guy, and...Pendergreens.

Pendergreens is wearing the same costume as you.

He's clocked it too. Pendergreens comes over, taking in a deep breath. "Oh Hardwon," he says, the edge of his passive aggression muffled but not entirely blunted by his helmet. "You're the Joker too? Cool, cool, cool. I mean, I woulda thought originality might mean something."

"I like the Joker, is all," you say, immediately on guard.

"No, no, no, it's cool, it's cool! It's just that the Joker is kinda my thing..."

If you're not careful you'll fall here at the hurdle of Pendergreens's passive aggression! Better fight back!

PENDERGREENS

SKILL: 4

Head to the costume contest!

Chapter 26 Chapter Text

You manage to jig your way to the front of the dance floor and pour some of your pocket jambalaya over DJ Starspawn's music machine thingy-majig. Freed from his accursed shape-throwing, Beverly follows you.

"How dare you impugn the purity of my little dance?" He demands.

"Starspawn!"

"I forgive you," Young Bev says.

"I also forgive you," you agree. "Starspawn."

"Starspawn," Bev agrees. You're at this for a few minutes together, saying Starspawn back and forth. Finally, Bev puts his hands on his hips and says, "Well, all's well that ends well!" And the two of you laugh over the sparking fire-hazard of the short-circuited DJ booth.

"Young Bev," You say. "Have you seen Hardwon?"

"Not yet!" Bev brightens. "But he was talking about entering the costume contest! We should head over there! I think you'll agree my costume will definitely win best pun this year!"

"What's the pun?"

"Purple Nurple Worm!" Bev says proudly.

"Oh yeah. That's hilarious," you say.

"I notice you didn't laugh," Bev says, a little too brightly.

You offer Bev a bad thumbs up. "Anyhow, if you and Hardwon are both going for the costume contest, I better head on over there with y'all, see how it is!" You mentally go through your cantrips for the best ones to cast on Hardwon.

Chapter 27 Chapter Text

As you fasten the dungarees you've picked, you notice they barely cover your voluptuous chest. You admire yourself in the mirror. The intense cleavage, the fungus growing in your hair, the film of dirt on your skin from a life well lived.

You look good.

Unfortunately, you realise too late that you look TOO good. As you walk into the party venue, several people turn their heads to look at you so quickly they break their necks. So many monsters attempt to ogle you that they stampede over each other, causing a massacre worse than the whistlebees-halflings lawnmower crisis of 1683.

It's great for your self-esteem, but for the party it's GAME OVER.

Chapter 28 Chapter Text

Approaching the buffet table, you can see it's loaded with bud heavies, a large bowl of punch, and plates of sticky buns. You pour yourself a cup of bright pink punch, staring up at a poster above your head of Beverly Toegold V. He's proclaiming that R-Cane will make you insane. It will also make you explode, if you remember correctly. You take a long sip of punch, only to spit it out. It tastes like crickwater! It looks like some mysterious person has spiked this punch! Who could've done such a thing?

When you check under the buffet table, there's an elf you recognise as Moonshine's cousin-nephew Billy Ray, surrounded by solo cups stained pink from the echoes of the punch they once held.

"Evenin', 'Jina!"

"Mystery solved," you say,

There's a half-full bottle of crickwater still sitting by the punch bowl.

If you pick up the crickwater, put it in your inventory.

Look for Moonshine

Chapter 29 Chapter Text

You manage to swallow down your burp of fire, but it makes your entire body glow from the inside out, your hair lighting up with bioluminescent fungus.

You spot Jaina Bronzebeard approaching the punch bowl. "Hey, Jina! I wouldn't take a sip right now if I were you. Someone's gone ahead and spiked the punch with R-Cane! Maybe you still want to and that's fine, but you oughta be informed before you try any."

For some reason, she can't seem to speak. You worry she might've had a glass of punch earlier and the mix of crickwater and R. Cane has managed to paralyse her, but she was pretty active the last time y'all huffed a bunch of crickwater and went into the woods. She squeezes the stem of her wine glass so hard it shatters in her hand. Oh, Melora, now there's glass all over the floor and Paw Paw is trying to lick all the wine up.

"Your possum," Jaina begins.

"He's all good! It ain't the first time, and a little glass in his teeth just makes him stronger!" You assure her, assuming she's concerned about the amount of glass Paw Paw is currently ingesting.

"My lady," Jaina says. You look around for a lady. "Would you care to dance with me?" Oh, she's talking to you!

"Sure thing!"

Jaina offers you her arm. You offer her your arm. She offers you her arm again. You offer your arm more insistently. She takes your arm, going very red. On the dancefloor, she tries to lead you in a formal dance. At the crick, there's no real concept of formal danceries.

But maybe you're lucky enough to have recalled some steps...

Time for a LUCK flip!

Chapter 30 Chapter Text

All around you, people are collapsing and growing smaller and smaller. You draw Rosaline and jump on stage. He raises his hands, readying a fireball, but you're quick with the counterspell. "Counterspell!" Ren shouts. Counterspelled your counterspell! You reach within to try and counterspell his counterspell of your counterspell, but Ren is smashed round the head by a hammer the size of most men.

"Hello," says Jaina from behind Ren, readying a second attack on his simulacrum.

You ask Jaina if she ate a sticky bun.

"I only eat hard boiled eggs when I'm in the field like this."

Cool!

The two of you smash into Ren like the unholy rage of a god. You beat his simulacrum into paste, and break his concentration on his shrinking spell by breaking him over your knee until he has to teleport away. You do not counterspell it because you plan to hunt him for sport later.

"Jaina!" You cry. "You son of a bitch!"

The two of you lock muscular arms, before sweatily embracing each other. The embrace goes on a little longer than expected. Usually Jaina breaks things off a little early. What's going on here?

You ask. She tells you. "I was kinda the mastermind behind this," she says.

"Dang, 'Jina! I didn't know you knew me so well!" You're delighted. "How'd you know I'd prefer mixing it up in a monster mash? I figured you'd be the kinda gal who'd throw a regency ball right outta Bridgerton!"

Jaina's face is frozen in a strange smile. "I had help," she says after a long pause.

The two of you talk about it. About courting, about dating, about big words like monogamy and commitment. While you're talking, Hardwon steals the first place trophy from the podium and flees the stage. "I was the tallest!" He shouts as he runs.

"Sounds like he mighta been the smallest," you say, but let it go. The night is long and you've got Jaina on your arm who is very curious about the whole, kinda-sorta-we're together-when-we're-together arrangement you've posited to her, a freedom within love that her chivalry has not yet revealed to her. And quite frankly, you're thinking of sneaking off to the business centre here and taking her to the edge.

GAME WON!

Chapter 31 Chapter Text

It's so embarrassing to be beaten by Rust that you pass out immediately. When you wake up, your dad is lying on the floor beside you.

Lucanus found out his daughter was being bullied and plane shifted down to hell to interject himself, only to be atomic wedgied by Rust.

The embarrassment is so great you both diminish and go into the west. But at least you remain...Galadriel.

Wait, shit, that's a high elf thing!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

GAME OVER

"This egg pouch is really cracking me up!"

Chapter 32 Chapter Text

You steal back the rose. Put the ROSE in your inventory.

You can't see Hardwon anywhere. That's weird.

Do you want to look for Moonshine?

Look for Moonshine

Chapter 33 Chapter Text

The two of you race to the costume contest, signing up your very funny costumes. Jaina still seems pensive.

"Beverly," she says, very seriously. "I fear I may not be doing my duty by delegating the joke about dragons and eggs to someone else."

"Don't worry about it!" You say, because you've been thinking about dragon-egg puns the entire time. Uncharacteristically, nothing's coming to mind. "I'll think of a funny pun!"

"You're sweating," Jaina says, concerned.

"With...all the funny jokes I'm working on!" You say.

"Your knuckles are totally white," Jaina says, horrified.

"I'll have something!"

But there's not enough time. Soon, Pendergreens is announcing the costume contest and Jaina is being called up on stage. She looks back at you, desperate. What do you say?

"When the going gets tough, I just wing it!"

Chapter 34 Chapter Text

Your homemade Joker outfit fits you like a glove. Here you are, dressed exactly like The Joker (2019). You stare at yourself in the mirror. With enough validation you never wake up being reminded of your childhood self, the one who lives inside you and tells you how much people despise you. Trophies drown out the memories of the dwaphanage, the uncertainties, the fear that you are everything they think you are.

"I'm gonna win that prize," you whisper. You point at your reflection. "Watch this!"

Welp! Off to the party!

Chapter 35 Chapter Text

The punch is upsettingly non-alcoholic. You figure this might be Bev's influence, given the number of Green Teen posters up by the punch bowl. One features Bev smiling widely, pointing finger-guns at the viewer. You sound out the words on the poster, but you don't quite understand how to pronounce R. Cain. "Rrr...can?" you mumble as spike your cup of punch with some crick water.

That doesn't make much sense.

At your knee you hear a little, "Hey, buddy."

Looking down, you see an imp. He's a little shifty looking.

"Hey, buddy," the imp says again. "Want some R. Cane?"

"Yes," you say, already reaching for your gold. "Yes I do."

But should you really be buying drugs at an all ages party? Better roll a skill check against your own urges!

HARDWON'S DESIRE FOR R. CANE

SKILL: 6

Take it now, NOW! (Loss)

It can wait. (Win)

Chapter 36 Chapter Text

You figured it would just make a loud noise, but instead the sprinklers come on. As everyone stampedes out of the hall, Rust jumps up from the audience to grab the first place trophy and Hardwon chases after him. "That's mine, you asshole!"

Pendergreens chases after both of them. "In the event of nobody winning, the trophy reverts back to its previous owner!" He shouts, muffled. "That's me!"

Jaina finds you in the hall as the sprinklers soak your skin. "Moonshine," she says.

"Are you somehow sweating?" You ask her. You're kind of into that.

"I admire you, most ardently," she says. You're less into declarations of true love. "I'm not sweating." You're kind of into people lying to get out of looking pathetic and instead making themselves look even more pathetic. "I was hoping that we could perhaps..."

"Are you gonna ask me to date monogamously for the rest of forever?"

Jaina's eyes dart back and forth. "Yes," she admits. "Or to, uh, start courting."

"Nah, no need for that kinda thing!" Monogamy gives you a weird tight feeling in your chest. You run from attachments. You still get sad when you don't think that you have someone special. But the urge to be free always outweighs the sadness.

When you look at Jaina you kinda figure that even in a hundred years she'll still be hanging out by your side. Even if whatever you get into with her isn't the kind of deathbed seriousness of Bev and Erlin. You see eternity in a moment and it scares you again. But you don't run. Not immediately.

"Hey," you say. "How about we just figure out some kinda casual arrangement around hangin' out?"

"I'd like that," Jaina says, looking a little more relaxed in her suit of armour.

"You ever done it in a function hall under sprinklers?" You ask her.

"I can't say I have," Jaina says, sounding intrigued.

"Well hey! First time for everything," you say, taking her hand and leading her to a space under the buffet table. "C'mon, I know where there's some good eats!"

YOU WIN!

Welp! Time to get back to the costume contest!

Chapter 37 Chapter Text

Rust has denigrated books for too long! You don't have any books to hand because you're not a nerd, but Paw Paw has a modest selection of legal journals that you use to beat him into submission with. You drag Rust up some stairs, tip him out of a window and watch him bounce off the wall on his way down. "Bye bitch!"

Chapter 38 Chapter Text

Your hand hovers over a set of formal dungarees, but Paw Paw is a-hollerin' about how he wants y'all to match! "Paw Paw, get out the crickwater fountain and get over here, help me pick my damn outfit if you're gonna be so fussy!"

Paw Paw appears at your ankle in a formal ballgown.

"Is this some kinda Halloween thing?" You ask him. "A haunted bride?"

Paw Paw hands you a note. The writing is delicate and neat, as though written by the shaking hand of a person unable to fully draw breath.

"Now you know good an' well I can't read cursive yet," you point out to Paw Paw, who taps a word, and sounds it out for you. MO. "Huh!"

You decide to file away Paw Paw's discovery for now in favour of selecting one of Hardwon's suits. He's already done most of the work for you, by cutting the trousers into three-inch inseam shorts, ripping off the arms, and cutting a low, low, low v-neck into the shirt itself. The collar's mostly gone, so you tie the tie you selected to match Paw Paw's corsage around your head. "I look good."

Add ''one note written in a tremulous hand'' to your inventory.

Time to hit that party!

Chapter 39 Chapter Text

Everyone is having a good old time down here in the function hall, but you can't spot Pendergreens anywhere. If you know him, and y'all know each other quite well given y'all were neighbours of a kind in that he lived in your bellychain, you figure he may have got a hotel room upstairs to camp out and play a few rounds of rocket league.

You climb up a flight and find several rooms people are using to change. "Pendergreens? Hey, Pendergreens? Y'all seen Pendergreens? Where is that varmit?" You wonder, barging into a third changing room without knocking, surprising the imps inside. You throw open the fourth room and walk through it; there's a balcony outside, the perfect place to play a few rounds of Rocket League on a shitty CRT.

Uh oh! Pendergreens isn't the figure lurking out here. Instead you find JOSH THE SWOBOLD!

"Ah!" Josh cries out. He's in the middle of dressing and narrows his beady eyes. "You!"

"Hey," you say. "Y'all seen Pendergreens?"

"No I haven't!" Snaps Josh. He puffs up his chest. "I've been preparing to beat you and your little buddies!"

"Huh," you say.

"Hell yeah!" Josh says. "I'm gonna absolutely destroy you in the costume contest!"

But you hear the word 'destroy' and are already aiming to tip him over the balcony railing. Time to test your skill!

JOSH

SKILL: 1

Chapter 40 Chapter Text

Bev agrees to help you get the rose if you help him prank Denny.

You ask what sort of prank. Like, do you tell him his armour is only sort of shiny instead of very shiny? Do you hide his shaving equipment so he gets ingrown hairs?

Bev tells you that he will help you get your humour patch.

You consider a world in which you did in fact chop off Hardwon's head and never got involved with these maniacs. It's a brief fantasy of a utopia, but from across the room you spot Moonshine and Moonshine's cleavage and return to the gravity of the situation at hand. This is no time to be fantasising about beheading Hardwon. There's a pretty lady to impress!

Flip a DVD!

Chapter 41 Chapter Text

It's not an egg pun, but Jaina cracks up anyway! She repeats the pun on stage and everyone else laughs too, which makes you feel a little jealous.

You get even more jealous when you go up on stage and announce, "Me and Jaina worked on our costumes together. Guess we're birds of a FEATHER!" and nobody laughs.

Ouch!

But Pendergreens offers you the win for best pun if, quote "you never enter ever again", so that's great! Just means you've won the competition so hard nobody can ever top your hilarious entries! Way to go, Bev!

Jaina wins a day with a member of the band of boobs and stands beside you, trembling, as Pendergreens approaches. Who will it be, you wonder. It's not you! Ooh, maybe it's Hardwon?

But Paw Paw is the member of your team who leaps into Jaina's arms. "That's right!" Pendergreens says, a little triumphantly. "A whole day with Paw Paw. He offered his legal services to whoever won."

"Can you get him to appeal the ban on me entering next year?" You ask Jaina. "I already have new costume ideas!"

"No," Pendergreens says, very quickly.

Jaina looks delighted. She must have figured out that where Paw Paw is, Moonshine's always close at hand.

"Well hey," Moonshine says, coming up as if on cue. "I was wonderin' what Paw Paw was sneaking around for. "Whatcha wanna do all day with Jaina, lil scramble man?" Paw Paw screes. "Wrasslin? You and her? Oh, me and her?" She looks at Jaina, brushing a bit of fungus from her hair. "He says the special day he got planned is me and you grappling while he hangs out the other side of the crick! Can y'all believe that?"

"I immediately accept," Jaina says.

"So," you say to Pendergreens. "How rigid is this whole...no more entering puns?"

Very rigid, unfortunately. But at least you won! GO BEV!

GAME WIN!

Chapter 42 Chapter Text

Despite all your rage, you are still just an inch-high Hardwon in a cage...not a literal cage, more a cage made up of societal expectations of masculinity and your own tempered emotions.

Either way, your attacks are in vain. "Ugh, a bug is biting me!" Shouts the be-costumed Ren. "I'm gonna sue all of you!"

As he turns, one of his hooves steps right on top of you, and even your powerfull emotional walls are no match for a full grown elf standing directly on top of your bug-sized self.

You've drawn so many images of naked dwarven women stepping on you, but even you weren't prepared for such a crushing defeat!

GAME OVER!

Chapter 43 Chapter Text

The second you speak the forbidden pun, a portal opens up, ripping a hole in the universe. "Eggs-celent!" comes a terrible voice. "I'm very...eggs-cited to be here!"

A strange, egg-shaped, bald man with a moustache and goggles jumps out of the portal. He twirls his moustache. "Sorry to interrupt," he says. "Omelet you finish...or I would if I wasn't such a rotten egg!"

Jaina turns to you. "You did this, didn't you?"

"It is I, Dr Robotnik!" says the man. "And I'm quite hard to beat! I'm here to collect your Chaos Emeralds. Prepare to be scrambled!"

Dr Robotnik is, unfortunately, no match for a room filled with high level heroes all angered by his egg puns. After cracking his shell, you hatch a plan to throw his body back through the hole your terrible pun made between dimensions. Paw Paw manages to pin his unceremonious murder on a passing hedgehog, launching a very aggressive court case that lands the hedgehog in jail for life without parole. Three triplets act as witnesses for the prosecution and pin several more financial crimes on the unlucky hedgehog, who is now serving multiple consecutive life sentences.

Worst of all, you're totally banned from making any puns for the rest of your life! Bummer!

GAME OVER.

Chapter 44 Chapter Text

With a mighty whack of your hammer into his shins, Ren breaks concentration on whatever spell he'd cast on the sticky buns and you're back to full size. Immediately, you point at the heap of unicorn on the floor. "This man dishonoured the sticky buns!" You shout.

"Ugh," says Moonshine, appearing near your side. "What...what did you do the sticky buns, Ren?"

"Nothing!" Ren protests. "All I did was stick my wand in them and release--"

Moonshine vomits.

"You shame yourself," you tell him. Pendergreens is already approaching and he does not take food tainting lightly...unless it's very funny, and Ren's plan to shrink everyone apparently isn't something he's into.

Ren is kicked out of the Monster Mash, and you're declared the hero of the dance, with enough time left to enter the costume contest and get even more of that sweet, sweet validation!

Life's good when you're a winner like Hardwon.

GAME WON!

Chapter 45 Chapter Text

You climb up to the judge's podium, sneaking under the table. Maw maw is watching, horrified, as Hardwon dances to an imaginary song. Ulfgar is pretending to polish his axe, wincing at Hardwon's movements. But your attention is laser focused on Triss.

"Hey, Triss," you whisper up to her. "Want me to take you to the edge?" You waggle your eyebrows.

"I am also here," Bev whispers.

"Umm, I'm kinda involved right now," Triss says, checking her nails. "That guy in the unicorn suit offered me a bag of money to vote for him in the costume contest, and pretend to go out with him because, quote, poor people like Mavris think I've never dated anyone but I've totally dated people they just go to other schools."

"Huh," says Bev.

"What if we offer you another bag of money?" You suggest, knowing the capricious nature of Trisses.

"Yeah," says Triss. "Okay. I'll take the cash. What pathetic guy do you want me to vote for?"

"Hardwon ain't pathetic," you say. On stage, still dancing in silence, Hardwon swallows a sob.

"If he was really pathetic he'd be crying!" Bev agrees. "But his eyes are just watering due to allergies."

"Fine, I'll vote for him," says Triss. That was easy! You give her a bag of money and hide as Pendergreens calls for the judges to vote on the winner of the costume contest.

"Regrettably," Maw Maw says, "I must vote for my champion, Hardwon Surefoot!"

"Regrettably?" Hardwon asks in a small voice.

"Umm," says Triss. "I vote for Hardwon Surefoot because his team gave me a big bag of money."

"You were bribed?! That's against the rules! Hardwon, you're disqualified!" Pendergreens looks a little happy about disqualifying the extra Joker.

"One point for me!" Josh shouts. "And one point for history! I read wikipedia articles on my speaking stone between sets," he says to Hardwon.

"I truly don't care," Hardwon replies. He stands over you and Bev as you wriggle out from under the table. "Thanks," he says. "But you didn't have to do all of that. None of this meant anything to me anyway."

Behind him, Ulfgar also votes for Josh the Kobold, who leaps into the air over and over with delight. Rust rushes the stage to lift him up and swing him around and they share a kiss. The unicorn stomps off in disgust and Hardwon tries to look like this absolutely did not matter to him.

"Hey, s'all good Hardwon," you tell him.

"These costume contests have gotten so political," Bev agrees. "Nobody even takes them seriously anymore! These prizes mean nothing!"

"And for best pun costume," Pendergreens reads. "Beverly Toegold V!"

"I WON!" Bev hyperventilates, falls to the floor and screams. "I WOOOON! THESE PRIZES MEAN SO MUCH!"

You wrap an arm around Hardwon and say, "Well, hey! Even if you didn't win, we can still get fucked up on crickwater and head on back to my stump and eat all the brown outta some shrimp."

"I may have lost the costume contest," Hardwon says, stepping over Bev, who is doing the worm on the ground, "But I sure did come first in friendship!"

Friendship wins!

Convince Hardwon to wear a different outfit

Chapter 46 Chapter Text

"Now Hardwon," you say. "Y'all know I love you and think you could absolutely win this here costume dealie."

"Yes," he says, seeming to puff up with confidence.

"But I reckon we can improve your chance a little with a more original costume," you say, with a meaningful pause. You look at Bev.

"And I know exactly what you should wear!" Bev agrees, a wide smile and a glint in his eye that seems...unhinged.

"No teeth," Hardwon says quickly.

"Oh, ho!" Bev laughs for a long time. "That won't be an issue!"

Oh dear. But before you really consider putting a stop to this, Bev has explained his plan and Hardwon, surprisingly, is in. "That was my back-up costume," Hardwon says. "I thought Luna would kick my ass, though."

"Oh, she will!" Bev says, brightly.

The three of you retire to a bathroom quickly, and when you return Hardwon is dressed as a headless knight. But not just any knight: Galad Rosell.

"I don't think I'll be nasal enough for the presentation," he says, though it's hard to tell where his voice is coming from. His shirt is buttoned up over his real head, Galad's decaying head under his arm. "Can one of you punch me in the face real quick and deviate my septum?"

"Of course," you say, and punch where you think his nose is. From the solid thump and follow-up swearing, you think you got him!

"Alright," Hardwon says. "Watch this!"

There are gasps from the audience as Hardwon makes his way on stage. This is mostly because there's a slowly spreading bloodstain on the shirt where his nose is bleeding. "Strike true!" Hardwon wheezes in his best Galad impression. "I'm Galad! I have sex with my sword and need nasal surgery! Strike Trueeeeee!"

You and Bev look at the judges with sinking sensations in your stomachs. The first judge, Maw Maw, claps politely. The second, a Triss, ignores Hardwon in favour of filing her nails. The third, Ulfgar, is checking his speaking stone. The font of his texts is so big that even you can see from where you are that he's been texting someone SUP and U UP?

"Should we try to bribe the judges?" Bev asks.

Hardwon tries to do the dance from Joker (2019).

You have a better idea.

Chapter 47 Chapter Text

The stage for the costume contest is filled with people dressed up as all kinds of crazy things. You see Trisses dressed as Nannerflies, at least one guy in full Balnor cosplay drinking a bud heavy with someone dressed like an older version of Alanis. Pendergreens is the Joker again. There's a strangely familiar looking kinda unicorn in one corner. Josh is dressed as a Czech Burgomaster circa 1419, which would be a mildly amusing joke if you knew anything about Jan Želivský.

Wait, hold up. "Young Bev, is that actually Balnor and Alanis?"

"Yeah!" Bev brightens. "Future Alanis burned a wish spell to come chill out in a super sick party! Apparently they have them less in the future due to a," he scratches his cheek, his ears and nose bleeding at the confluence of timelines. "Weird robot-punk future?"

"Am I the bad guy in that campaign?" You ask, excited. " Some kinda representative of nature, breaking down the robo-present? And also the ex-lover of all the good guys?"

"I don't think so," Bev says, cheerfully. "We're probably all dead!"

Oh well. Next time! Hold on, where's Hardwon? You and Bev hear someone clear their throat behind you. "Make way, make way for the next winner of the Monster Mash Costume Contest!" Hardwon sidles up beside you, without the confidence of the so-called next winner of the Monster Mash. "What d'you think?"

Hardwon is wearing a Joker costume. It looks exactly like Pendergreens's joker outfit, except he's ripped the trouser legs and the arms of the jacket and shirt off to show off his thighs and biceps.

"It's no longer movie accurate!" Bev says.

"Well hey," you say, reflexively defending Hardwon. "That don't mean a dang thing! The judges might give you points for originality!"

"The judges will definitely give me points for originality," Hardwon says, sounding as though he's building himself up.

"And Pendergreens is the Joker every year!" Bev agrees, backing him up. "They're just waiting for a fresh take on the character!"

"That's right, Bev," Hardwon agrees, putting his hands on his hips. He does a few dozen squats, just to get a pump going. You and Bev make eye contact behind his back. If Hardwon goes into the costume contest wearing a ripped up Joker costume, he'll probably lose to Pendergreens's lovingly tailored Joker cosplay.

Opt to buff Hardwon

Chapter 48 Chapter Text

You hiss "Ignore everything else, just do the splits!"

This is something he's comfortable with. Hardwon immediately drops into the splits. He splits so hard his balls rest on the wooden floor. There is a standing ovation from the three audience members as Hardwon drags the shirt down over his face to see. He kisses Galad's rotting head on the mouth and throws it into the audience while shouting "That's right, it's me you're impressed with! Hardwon Surefoot! ME!"

"Um," says Pendergreens. "Obviously he's disqualified."

"Not so fast," says Ulfgar Trueaxe, one of the judges. "Showmanship has to count for something!"

Apparently it counts for everything because Hardwon is awarded tens across the board and retrieves his rightful trophy.

The trophy is a child's trophy, but the rose is resting inside it. You take that with delight.

Watching Hardwon thread the trophy into his beard, you take a deep breath. That was far too close. Nerves thoroughly wracked, you head outside into the hot air of hell, and walk into the gardens of the Marriott Bonvoy.

"Hey 'Jina," Moonshine says, greeting you comfortably as she comes out to join you. Your heart quickens.

Chapter 49 Chapter Text

"I think I've got an idea on how to prank him," Bev begins.

"I already have a plan," you tell him. A devious plot has entered your mind, a joke so amusing and confounding Denny will be...flabbergasted. You sidle up to him by the buffet table, Bev following. "Denny," you say. "There are six sticky buns."

There are visibly five sticky buns. This is the funniest joke. You try not to laugh out loud.

"Are you talking to me?" Denny asks, shrinking a little from the muscular warrior in armour.

"Yes," you say. "You worm. There are six sticky buns. Get it?"

"N-n-n-n-no!"

"Six!"

Nervously, Denny shoves a sticky bun into his mouth. And then he shrinks.

"That's not the joke," you say, but he already comes up to your knee.

"Bev!" He screams, but the scream gets quieter and quieter.

"Did you do that?" you ask Bev. He did not. Neither did you.

The two of you spot a strange figure in a unicorn costume. They're gesturing subtly, waving a hand over the sticky buns. Without thinking, you rip the head from the unicorn. The person within, a high elf, stumbles back. "Ugh! What are you doing? I'm gonna sue!"

"Ren!" Bev shouts. You assume this is some sort of friend Beverly knows from one of his nerd societies, like Green Teens. "Wait, two Rens?!"

"I wanted to be a unicorn," says Ren. "But nobody wanted to be in a costume with me, even when I paid them!" He honks with sad laughter. "So I cast simulacrum!" The other Ren honks too.

"Why is that Ren British?" Beverly asks. "Wait! You were casting these spells on the sticky buns." He gasps. "Hardwon!"

"Looking for your sweet toothed friend?" Ren asks, holding up a terrarium. Furious squeaking sounds from within. Three inches tall, thick of calf and quad, there he is: Hardwon Surefoot!

"Bev," you say, laying a hand on his shoulder. "We're going to have to kill this guy."

"That is A-Okay with me!" Bev says brightly.

REN

SKILL: 5

Chapter 50 Chapter Text

There's silence for a moment, followed by uproar. Someone is laughing at the costume and your stomach drops, assuming it's in bad faith. Is that Rust laughing? Or Ulfgar? Someone is making a disgusted noise at your costume.

It's a Chosen Angel's uniform that you've squeezed into, blood stains still visible. You must've stolen it at some point during the campaign against Thiala, leaving a naked cadaver in your wake. Bev and Moonshine have buttoned the shirt over your head and under your arm you carry the putrefying head of Galad Rosell, taken from the third time you killed him.

You clear your throat and say, as nasally as you possibly can: "Striiiiike Truuuueeeee! I like to fuck my sword!"

But how skillfully are you pulling this costume off? How excellent is your impression on a scale of 1-10? (10, obviously.) What does the crowd think of it?

CROWD EXPECTATIONS

SKILL: 7

Chapter 51 Chapter Text

All that warmth and confidence builds and builds and builds, burning in your chest like a new star. And then it supernovas, taking you with it in a bright blast of light.

You always knew you'd burn the brightest in Irondeep one day. Just not like this!

GAME OVER!

Chapter 52 Chapter Text

Jaina has come with you. "Why does this stuff always happen to you?" She asks, bemused.

"No idea!" You slam your hand down on your bench. "I demand a lawyer!"

Paw Paw pops into being beside you. He's wearing a suit and a tiny pair of glasses. With him by your side, there's no way you can lose! You point your finger at lawyer Ren behind the bench like the shōnen anime protagonist you are. "Paw Paw, go! Use Cross-Examination on him!"

Paw Paw looks at you from over the top of his tiny glasses.

"I'm sorry," you say. "I got caught up in the moment! I won't tell you how to do your job again!"

"That's right," sneers Ren. He walks out and says, "I put it to the court that this peasant purposefully used a bee to sting me and give me a rash in a case of absolute class warfare. As he harmed a rich person - aka, me - he should be--"

"Ha," you say. "Bee!"

"Put in jail for six thousand years!"

Judge Ren raises his gavel. Paw Paw screes and jumps up onto the bench. Judge Ren says, "What do you have to say for your client?"

Paw Paw snaps his suspenders, walking up and down in front of you, as though getting ready to begin. Then he launches himself at Lawyer Ren, who shrieks. "Help! I'm being attacked by a rabid animal!"

"I don't think possums can get rabies," you say, brightly. Lawyer Ren screams as a fountain of blood sprays from his neck. The Jury Rens aren't fast enough either; Paw Paw disappears only to burst out of one's chest, reducing the twelve angry Rens to screams, blood, and meat. Paw Paw, blood lust unsatiated, leaps at the Judge next, who isn't fast enough with the gavel. The spell breaks, and both you and Jaina are back by the buffet table.

"Should we go back for Paw Paw?" Jaina asks, uncertain.

"He'll be fine," you tell her. The last image you have of Paw Paw is him standing on a pile of Ren bodies, suit coated in high elf blood.

"Hey, y'all," Moonshine says, greeting you both. Paw Paw is in her arms.

Wait...if Paw Paw is here...

"Has Paw Paw been with you all night?" You ask her.

"Sure has!"

"But then...who defended me in court?" You wonder. You look at Paw Paw and he winks at you and licks his lips. You decide not to pursue this further. "The bee's yours now," you tell Jaina.

In fact, this whole episode shakes you so much that you leave the Monster Mash to visit your friend, Tonathan. The two of you lock yourselves away, trying to decipher what exactly happened in that Vexatious Litigation spell. For fifty years, the two of you agonise and study, becoming twentieth level wizards by accident in the process. You discover the nature of reality, the laws that bind you. You are Beverly Toegold the V. You are a character sheet held by a man named Caldwell Tanner. You are broadcast on a podcast. The spell Vexatious Litigation was made up by a fanfic writer with a severe injury, codeine, and too much time on their hands. Paw Paw would never rip Ren's throat out. The lawyer possum was a mere construction of your own mind and the latent violence held within. A man named Brian Murphy engineered the death of your father and the trapping of your boyfriend in a gem.

You have a new target now. And his name is Brian "Murph" Murphy.

Hooray!

Game start?

Chapter 53 Chapter Text

Rust has never beaten you before. Hardly anyone has ever beaten you before.

"You see that?" Rust crows. "I'm the best! I knew I was dad's favourite!"

This is far too much for your honour. To lose to a warrior of such low character and moral is a fatal blow to your pride. As you fade away, Rust makes a joke about the 2001 Sophie Ellis-Bextor hit Murder on the Dancefloor. Thankfully, you do not hear it.

Less thankfully, this does mean this is GAME OVER.

What are you waiting for? Go dance with Young Bev!

Chapter 54 Chapter Text

You decide to see how Hardwon's doing before this whole competition thing. Maybe you'll help Pendergreens instead of him. Probably you won't.

"Hey Moony," he says. "I've been wanting to win this thing for a while now."

"How long?" You ask him.

"My whole life," he says.

"Didn't you find out about it about two hours ago?"

"Look," Hardwon says, changing the subject. "I just think that trophy will have a great home on the SS Stormborn. Help me with my routine?"

You help him practice a scene from Joker which diverts rather quickly into a monologue about how he'd be such a good Joker in any sequels. You decide not to question this or ask if he's seen the second movie. You do not want to encourage this.

With your support, Hardwon takes to the stage with a renewed sense of purpose. For good or for ill.

Chapter 55 Chapter Text

Where is that rapscallion of a Green Teen?

It doesn't take you long to figure out where Bev is. In the middle of the dance floor, surrounded by jumping dancers, is a homemade worm costume covered in nipples. You electric slide up through the crowd to the kid absolutely freaking it on the dance floor.

"Hey, Young Bev!"

"Moonshine!" Bev shouts. There's a weird glint in his eye. "Come dance!"

Chapter 56 Chapter Text

Hardwon should not be a hard man to find, but so far he seems to be evading you. Pausing to wet your whistle by the buffet table, you discover that the punch has been left unattended. When you try it, it tastes disappointingly non-alcoholic.

You retrieve your trusty flask of crickwater.

Spike the Punch.

Do Not Spike the Punch

Chapter 57 Chapter Text

Yeah, you absolutely cannot do this. You spin around, glowing with fire, and end up picking Jaina up. You burp up flame from the badly digested R. Cane, setting alight the stage where the costume contest is taking place.

"Sorry Pendergreens!" You call. He tries to speak but a few flames catch the cuff of his suit pants and begin to climb high and fast, as the cheap material of his suit is consumed. The fire claims Pendergreens's filthy Joker outfit. The entire hall is next! Furniture, flooring, curtains, rugs; everything is going up.

"Hardwon," you shout, spotting your best friend rushing to - you assume - help Pendergreens. "Did you leave some R. Cane in the punch?"

Ripping the first place trophy from the burning stage, Hardwon shouts back, "I would never leave a vial of R. Cane un-snorted!" He pauses briefly to give Pendergreens a second look before shrugging and throwing him over his shoulder.

Okay, probably not him!

"We have to get out of here!" Jaina shouts. You hold her up in your arms like you're a firefighter instead of being the gal who started the fire, and jump out the burning building.

Jaina has both her arms locked around your neck as you jog out. "My lady," she says, very seriously. "There may not be a better time for this. But this was going to be my party, originally."

"Hold on a sec," you say as you put her down and dash back into the burning party, returning with Beverly Toegold V in your arms like a baby. "Okay, keep going."

Jaina wipes the soot from your face as Bev says, "Did Hardwon pick up the trophy for best pun costume? I mean, I already know it was mine! Just a formality, right?"

"Moonshine," Jaina says, putting her hand on Bev's head to steer him away. "I think you're brilliant, funny, hospitable, kind."

"One sec," you say, and dash back into the burning function hall. "I thought I spotted you," you say, returning to the emergency evacuation meeting spot with Balnor cradled in your arms like a baby.

"I am beginning to think that saving me was more a case of instinct than of me having a particular position in your heart," Jaina says.

"Hey gang," says Balnor, holding up a beer. "Sorry I couldn't save myself. I've had a couple of these. Bev, help me find my shoes?"

"Oh, Balnor!" Bev laughs as Balnor totters away.

There's a twitch in Jaina's eye. "My lady," she begins again. "I like you, so, so much--"

"One sec," you say again, diving back into the increasing flames. This time you return with Hardwon cradled in your arms like a baby, Pendergreens cradled in his arms, and Pendergreen's PS4 cradled in his arms."

"He insisted we go back for it," says Hardwon. "Oh shit, Jaina."

"You assholes," Jaina says. "What happened to my nice Bridgerton style party?"

"In my defense," Pendergreens wheezes through his helmet. "I'm preeeetty sure I've inhaled a lot of smoke."

"That doesn't work as a defense!"

"Wait, hold up!" You put your hands on your hips. "Why are y'all so angry? What's going on here?"

The three conspirators explain themselves. Jaina wanted a regency style ballroom. Hardwon was happy to let Bev pick up the work. Pendergreens wanted an excuse to throw a costume ball that would let him wear him Joker costume.

"A regency style ball!" You frown. "Like in Bridgerton? Now I like the dresses, I ain't gonna lie, but that's not my style at all!"

"Which I totally knew," Hardwon lies.

Jaina sweats. "I wanted to do something special," she says through gritted teeth. "Since I think you're...great."

"Well hey now, you ain't have to be going into all this trouble for little me!" You say, delighted. You offer her a little kiss. "You know I'm more of a casual gal!"

"So I don't have to court you?" Jaina asks, with an expression like she's wasted a lot of time sculpting a rose from beaten iron.

"Course not!" You say. Behind you, the Marriot Bonvoy explodes. "Hey, why don't you and I go grab what's left of the crickwater and get on outta here to somewhere private?"

"Won't it have evaporated by now?" Jaina asks, doubtfully.

"Even better," you say, delighted. "We'll get high as heck on the fumes, c'mon!"

Does this mean casual hook-ups with Jaina forever? Nice!

GAME WON!

Chapter 58 Chapter Text

In the unicorn outfit is Ren.

"Now why the heck are you here, Ren?" You ask him, exasperated.

"To greet the paupers, of course! Ha-hahhhh!"

He's here to shrink some folk down and capture a few for his terrarium.

"Are there two of you?" You ask him, cognizant of the fact that you've been chatting to the butt half of a unicorn.

"Nobody wanted to be the unicorn with me," he says, put-out. "So I used simulacrum to create a new me! Except he forced me to be the ass!"

"I did," says Simulacren. "Huh-hah!"

You give both Rens a wedgie, plane shift them above a volcano and return to Pendergreens.

The unicorn is defeated!

Chapter 59 Chapter Text

The crick might not have any formal danceries, but down at the field they get dressed up all formal like for big occasions to worship Melora, and you recall enough from cousin Apple to get the steps just right! Jaina gazes up at you like you're the only girl in the room while you dance, which is kinda unsettling actually. When you spend your time helping others, having someone see only you can be a little exposing.

But it's real nice to dance with someone else, even to a slow song. You have your arms on Jaina's shoulders and she's got her hands on your hips, and the two of you sway. Then the music starts up in a more lively way which is way more your style and you get to swing each other about a bit which makes you giggle and snort, especially when Jaina lifts you up.

The music pauses and Jaina says, "Can we step outside?"

"Sure!" Hopefully this is the part of the night where you both do crickwater and fool around.

Follow Jaina outside.

Chapter 60 Chapter Text

Oh, this isn't good.

The R. Cane does not play well with your system. You try to swallow down a burp and end up sneezing and farting at the same time. With a bang, the R. Cane implodes your system and before you know it, you've left a trail of burning dust over the ground!

Turns out those Green Teen DARE posters were right...R. Cane will make you INSANE(ly exploded all over the function hall of the Marriott Bonvoy in Hell)!

GAME OVER!

Chapter 61 Chapter Text

You grab a sticky bun and bite into it.

Ugh! It's just as overly sweet as you remember! As all the sugar hits your blood sugar spikes and immediately drops.

But wait, are you dropping too?

The world grows larger and larger around you, the buffet table suddenly out of reach. "Paw Paw!" You squeak in horror. "Get Hardwon and Bev!" But he must've bitten the sticky bun too, because he's shrinking alongside you!

A voice echoes above you. "ᵘʰ⁻ʰᵘʰHUH! I knew I'd catch someone! Those short poor people were wrong about my taste in pranks!"

A gigantic REN steps into view. You call lightning down on his boots and he swears before putting a glass over you. "Ugh, what awful poor people manners! I know exactly where to put you!"

He slides a bit of paper under the glass and carries you from the ballroom, depositing you in a terrarium. You'd be fine here, except Ren's filled it with flying swords for some reason! You immediately pledge fealty.

Flying swords do not have a religious framework that allows for fealty. They only know how to slice.

GAME OVER.

Better head over there with him!

Chapter 62 Chapter Text

You offer to help Hardwon with the costume contest. Hardwon pretends to brush off your offer only to secretly whisper, "Thanks."

The two of you head towards the tiny area where the costume contest is being held. There are very few entrants by the rickety stage, and almost no audience.

One of the entrants, a unicorn, releases a distinct uͧhͪ-hͪuͧhͪ-HAH laugh, and without looking too deeply into the matter, you grapple him, plane shift above a volcano, let him go, and quickly plane shift back. "Sorry 'bout that," you say. "Pretty sure that was Ren!"

"He was probably doing something evil," Hardwon says, hardly paying attention. He is rigid with nerves.

"Probably! Or at least some kinda class warfare. Nobody with that amount of money is good!" You lay your hand on Hardwon's shoulder and cast Enhance Ability: Eagle's Splendour. Immediately he seems to stand a little taller, jaw set proudly.

"Alright," he says. "Time to win this stupid trophy I definitely don't care too much about!"

Chapter 63 Chapter Text

You start to dance with Young Bev, but quickly realise something is off. He's sweating hard, like Hardwon whenever you question him about the mysterious hand-drawn porn sometimes found in the crick near his stump. His movements are jerky and uncontrolled, like Hardwon, whenever he's questioned about the mysterious hand-drawn porn sometimes found in the crick near his stump. "Moonshine, help!" Bev calls, like Hardwon, whenever someone else questions him about the mysterious hand-drawn porn sometimes found in the crick near his stump.

Something's amiss!

Pawpaw squeals at your feet, scrabbling, but then he too is dancing. In the DJ booth, DJ Starspawn spins another track. The music feels less like something a guy could drink in, and now more like a wall of pure kinetic fury.

"Oh, Melora," you say, preparing yourself for a fight.

DJ STARSPAWN

SKILL: 3

Chapter 64 Chapter Text

You freak it on the dance floor, your holy aura making you glow in the disco lights, but the unholy power of DJ Starspawn's music grows too powerful. You are drawn into the hypnotic trance of their tunes, the pounding eldritch beats. Over and over in your head a voice becomes clearer: TAKE THIS WORLD. TAKE THIS WORLD TO THE GREAT WORM BEYOND THE SKY. PH'NGLUI MGLW'NAFH CTHULHU R'LYEH WGAH'NAGL FHTAGN.

Everything crystallises for a distinct moment. You are not a halfling named Beverly Toegold V. The year is 1917. Your name is Bobby and you're being treated for shock after seeing artifacts of tentacled gods amongst a horde of treasures found in a dig site on an uncharted island a submariner discovered. Since then, they've been chasing you. Strangers with strange, fish-like features. The Innsmouth look. They know your name. They know what you found. He is waking.

You repeat the words over and over, blood pouring from your nose. In his house at R'lyeh, dead Cthulhu waits...dreaming...

For this world or the next.

Which does, unfortunately, make this a GAME OVER.

Write a passive aggressive note for the punch spiker!

Chapter 65 Chapter Text

Thirsty, you fall upon the punch and take a big swig and swish it around your mouth.

Uh oh, some silly billy has totally spiked the punch! Looking around, you soon find what was used to do said spiking! There's a vial of R. Cane and a bottle of crickwater on either side of the punch bowl. If you didn't know any better you'd say your de-facto guardians and scoutmasters might have been here!

Write down ''+1 Vial of R. Cane'' and ''+1 bottle of crickwater'' in your inventory. These drugs are surprise tools that'll help us later! But probably not.

But how should Beverly Toegold V, Green Knight, Paladin of Pelor and underage drinker, deal with a bowl of spiked punch?

Chapter 66 Chapter Text

"Moonshine," you say, standing here in the gardens amongst hardy mushrooms and other plants that have somehow managed to grow here in the scrabbly dirt. "I wrought a rose from iron in the depths of Irondeep, in a single room where a hole in the mountain allows for a shaft of moonlight to touch the castle, once a month. It represents the way I feel about you; a beauty with the strength of a..." they did not cover metaphor in dwarven warrior training. "Strong metal. You remind me of..." You think of the best thing on Bahumia. "A boiled egg. So warm and easy to travel with, but so fortifying and nutritious. I wanted to ask you for permission to court you."

Moonshine presses her finger to your lips as she slips the rose into her hair. It immediately takes root in the layer of spores over her scalp. "No words, baby," she says. "No labels, no words."

And then she slams you down big style. Which is a pretty good ending, all things being equal.

YOU WIN!

Chapter 67 Chapter Text

Subtle as the letter g in lasagne, you grasp the rose and escape before Pendergreens can see you! You've shamed yourself, dishonoured your name, and you have the item you've arbitrarily decided you need to confess to Moonshine, because you are nothing without the prison you have made for yourself!

And even though her freewheeling nature confuses you, it makes you feel more alive than any drug and you are desperate to be released from your own maze of rules and decision and codes by her hands and easy-going nature. You'd do anything for more time with her.

You find Moonshine in the gardens of Hell's Marriott Bonvoy.

Ask Bev to help you get the rose back

Chapter 68 Chapter Text

You can't beat Bev up! He's surrounded by other paladins, after all. They'll just lay-on-hands him.

Also maybe it is dishonourable to beat children. You're unsure. You'll look that up later.

You calmly take Bev by the shoulder.

"You're hurting me," he says with some alarm.

Very calmly, squeezing his shoulder a little tighter, you explain to Bev that you were going to make your intentions clear to Moonshine tonight. You've been shaping a single Irondeep rose under the moonlight for seventeen months, and you entrusted it to Hardwon so that you could produce it during this party and declare that you intend to date Moonshine.

Bev looks very nervous. "H-hey! Maybe you could, uh, let me go before I tell you this? Ah, ow! Haha, oh boy!"

The rose is in possession of your dead cousin, Rust.

"Look, it's not my fault, ow, please let go, ow!"

You ease the pressure ever so slightly on Bev's arm and calmly ask him to explain how it is that Rust is holding the Irondeep Rose you so carefully worked on.

"I didn't think it was possible for a dwarf to go that red," Bev says, with some alarm. "Uh, I'm losing feeling in my arm! Balnor, BALNOR? HELP?"

Balnor looks up briefly from a table covered in Budweisers and tuna melts. He appears to have sunk fifteen to twenty. "You're fine, Bev!" He shouts back. "Play nice! All three of you."

"Rust told Hardwon that a single Irondeep rose was the entry fee for the costume contest," Bev explains very quickly. You release him. You must have said something concerning about your intentions for Hardwon because Bev says, "Oh my! Language!"

"Why would Rust want an Irondeep Rose?" You ponder.

"I think he wants to give it to Josh!" Bev says, brightly.

You look at your cousin on the dance floor. He's bobbing along to DJ Starspawn, slowly travelling into the center of the mass of dancers. Josh stands in the middle, a bright disco ball glittering above his head.

You have to stop Rust.

Dishonourably Ambush Rust

Challenge Rust to a wrestling match

Chapter 69: SIXTY NIIIIIIIIIIIINE

Chapter Text

You lock eyes with Moonshine's chest and cannot look away. You are utterly lost within that cleavage, hypnotised by the sight of a pair of bazooms so delightful, soft, large and covered in spores that you can no longer recall yourself, your purpose, or your plan.

When you finally come round, the party is long over. As you stare around the empty function hall of Hell's Marriott Bonvoy, a single imp floats along on tiny wings, still sweeping up the remains of countless guests. "You still here from the Monster Mash?" He asks. "Lady, it's been three weeks!"

Three weeks! Not only have you lost track of time, you've lost your chance to talk to Moonshine! By the time you get back to Irondeep you find out she's been proposed to by six different frost dwarves. How can you honourably declare your intentions now, when she may have found true love with Olga the Door Dwarf?

For your love story, this is GAME OVER!

Chapter 70 Chapter Text

"Aha!" Shouts Josh. "While you've been training to take on a god, I've been going to BJJ classes!" Despite your efforts and barbarian muscles, he's somehow able to get you over his shoulder, flipping you off the edge of the balcony.

Although you can, as a reaction, cast feather fall and save yourself some damage, you've taken a hit to your ego. Are you so out of shape that Josh can beat you up?! You ponder this, horrified at yourself, as you and Paw Paw float down.

"Damn," you tell the possum. "We really dishonoured ourselves there, to take a Hardwon phrase."

Paw Paw screes in agreement. The two of you decide to never speak of your defeat again.

Instead you go back inside to lick your wounds, literally and figuratively, by the buffet tables. There's a bowl of punch here and several sticky buns.

Take a swig of punch

Grab a Sticky Bun

Chapter 71 Chapter Text

You tip Josh over the railing of the hotel room with ease and don't even watch as he plunges downwards. During your brief struggle, a book fell from his costume: Irondeep Chivalry and Courting, it reads. You flip through the pages.

While totally unnecessary these days, and more a sign that someone is living in an idealised chivalric past, an Irondeep Rose is often used to begin courting between the nobles of Irondeep. The courter will spend months carefully sculpting a rose from beaten iron in the shafts of moonlight occasionally seen in the upper levels of the mine before presenting it to the object of their affection at a special event, such as a Bridgerton-style regency ball. A Monster Mash is a suitable replacement.

"Dang, Paw Paw," you say, having skimmed most of the paragraph. "Thems some fancy words! I wonder what Josh was reading up on Irondeep dating customs for! You think he's sweet on Rust?"

Paw Paw gives a scree that says I cannot even begin to state how little I care about Rust and Josh.

"Well, maybe we'll help if we have time," you say, reflexively. "But it's way down on my priority list. Let's go find Hardwon and Bev! We've got some punch to spike!"

Chapter 72 Chapter Text

That's a good plan. Look for Moonshine and confess your ardent desire to see her occasionally before one of those other dwarves attempts to make her their fiancée.

You catch sight of her possum first. You have been addressing your correspondence to Paw-paw, receiving back meaningful declarations of 'MO'. It looks like he is the only other person to have understood the assignment; he is dressed in a beautiful blue regency gown, and waggles his fingers when you scoop him up.

"You look wonderful," you tell him. Paw-paw replies with a series of noises that seem to indicate pleasure at seeing you and also his own reflection in your armour.

"Hey Jaina! Nice suit!" Moonshine appears before you, resplendent in one of Hardwon's suits. She's cut off the arms to show her barbarian muscles, and cropped the shirt so that you can see the underside of her bosom. She has cut a low, low, low v into the neck of the shirt, just completely disregarding its purpose as a formal garment. The only real coverage for her nipples are the suspenders holding her short-short suit trousers up.

You cannot remove your gaze from those stunning titties.

Make a luck check.

Chapter 73 Chapter Text

You look for Hardwon everywhere, expecting to see your buddy: a macho half-elf with a huge beard, thick of calf and quad, etc, etc. But you realise you've set your expectations too high when you, as a last resort, check the costume contest in the corner.

He's filling out an entry form with difficulty. "Hardwon," You say, and punch him. "Where's the Irondeep Rose? I was going to surprise Moonshine with it when I asked her for permission to court her!"

"Ow, hey!" Hardwon has to throw up his hands to stop you punching him again. "I can explain! I uh...lost track of it."

His eyes dart to the costume contest's glass case. Inside is a comically small trophy. Resting within it is the Irondeep Rose you seek.

Understanding blooms. It must've been stolen from him somehow, only for him to rediscover it and enter this humiliating costume contest to find it for you! You say this out loud and Hardwon nods repeatedly.

"That's definitely what happened," he says. "I definitely did not lose it in a bet with Pendergreens last week during rounds of Rocket League." You decide not to delve deeper.

The rose being there means you'll have to enter the costume contest to win it.

And it'll be a pretty desperate day in hell before you dress up and perform on stage, humiliating yourself in front of a handful of people. Some other pathetic loser will have to do that for you!

Time to help Hardwon!

Chapter 74 Chapter Text

You managed to drag your eyes back up to Moonshine's face.

"My boobs are down here," she says.

You stare at her cleavage. It would be unchivalrous not to.

You really want to tell her how you feel, that you want to be the person that asks her, "sup?" every morning. But there has to be an order to things, dammit! You're missing something that would help you declare the truest of your intentions.

Before you can say more, a heavy hand falls on your shoulder. You turn and find yourself staring at a large demon in a specially tailored Joker (2019) costume, make-up smeared over his closed helmet. Pendergreens!! This is the guy who, with the help of Beverly and Hardwon, turned your Regency Ball into a Monster Mash!

"Hey man," he says. "I don't wanna like, be rude or anything, but it's a maaaaajor party foul to come to my Halloween party without a costume."

"It's not even Halloween!" You point out, enraged at the overtaking of your party. "It's ~~January~~March!"

"First of all," comes the muffled voice of Pendergreens, "It's Halloween in my heart so jot that down."

Moonshine takes pity on you. "Lay off her, Pendergreens! She looks very handsome in her armour!"

Somehow you feel even angrier being protected by Moonshine. And very pleased. But also angry. You have to find that rose and tell her how you feel!

"I'll be back," you assure her boobs.

Chapter 75 Chapter Text

Despite yourself, you decide to look for Beverly. After all, Hardwon trusted him to help figure this party out; surely Bev knows what a mess this is and will be willing to help you somehow get things back on track. Even if you don't run a regency party, surely he won't mind you setting up some kind of...I dunno, masked ball? Something classy!

You spot a group of halflings by the desserts table. One is wearing a purple worm costume, covered in nipples.

"Do you like my purple nurple worm costume?" Beverly Toegold V asks you, with a big, boyish grin. "I'm so glad Hardwon let me organise his Monster Mash party!"

Beat the Child.

Chapter 76 Chapter Text

Sticky buns are way too sweet for your tooth. If it ain't got enough cayenne to light a skeeter on fire, it ain't for your palate!

Instead you take a swig of punch and immediately get hit by a wall of alcohol. Nice! Who went and poured a bunch of crickwater in the punch? But the alcohol is nothing more than a smokescreen hiding the real secret sauce: is that a hint of R. CANE you taste? Has nobody read the signs young Bev put up all over the place about R. CANE making you INSANE? Obviously that's kind of prescriptivist, but still!

You feel fire rolling through your veins as the R. Cane kicks in.

Flip a luck check.

Chapter 77 Chapter Text

"Beverly," Jaina says as you pull out a single bee. "I have questions."

"So many do!" You enthuse. "About my ability to tame insects, right?" You put the bee in her hand. "Now you're a beholder!"

"Ah," Jaina seems to perk up. "I've fought and killed a few of those before! Don't you need more eyes?"

"No! A bee-holder. A beholder!"

"Yes, with the eyes."

"No!"

Before the two of you can finish, you hear a familiar laugh. "" ͧ ͪ- ͪ ͧ ͪ-HUH-ha! Peasants! There you are!"

"Ren!" You wheel around to find Ren the wizard dressed in the bottom half of a horse's costume. "Excuse me! I'm upper-upper-upper-middle class!"

"I'm a Bronzebeard," Jaina says, uncertain of whether or not to be offended.

"I could buy you," Ren says, rubbing his nails on his shirt. He points at your bee. "What do you have?"

"It's a costume," you say brightly, because not even Ren can take away the brilliance of your puns! "Show him, Jaina!"

Jaina opens her hand and the bee sitting on her palm flies lazily over to Ren, who screams. "I'm allergic, you asshole!"

"Allergic to bees?!" This is terrible! But the screaming and waving of his hands have already alerted the immortal bee that can sting as many times as it wants. To your horror, it stings Ren a dozen times. "Are you going to die?!"

"No!" He wails. "Worse! I'm gonna get a rash!"

Oh no! You go to touch hands, but the bee stings Ren again!

"I'm gonna sue you!" He screams and casts a ninth level spell: Summon Lawyer.

What will you do?

Fight your case in court

Admit fault to Ren

Chapter 78 Chapter Text

You planeshift to hell, because Moonshine and Bev have both told you they'll meet you there. You definitely do not feel lonely or weird or like you're missing a limb without them. This is fine. You are fine. You are so strong and brave and cool.

You do a hundred quick squats in the lobby, just to get a pump going.

Okay. Where are you going first?

Find sticky buns

Get punch

Chapter 79 Chapter Text

Holding one hand over the Bev poster's eyes, you swap some gold for some R. Cane. You don't even go to the bathroom to snort it, doing a rail off the buffet table in front of some imps waiting in line for punch.

Instantly your veins light up with joy and confidence, a fiery sensation of true delight. You could do anything!

Wait, hold on, maybe you feel a little...too fiery?

TIME FOR A LUCK FLIP!

Chapter 80 Chapter Text

Despite the hard edge of Pendergreens's fury, you manage to turn his blade aside. "Hey man," you say. "May the better Joker (2019) win."

"Well Joaquin Phoenix isn't here, so may the second best Joker win," Pendergreens says, judgmentally. Which means he's totally gonna let you enter, despite wearing a better costume than he is!

Nice!

As the costume contest is announced, you see Bev and Moonshine file into the audience. "Way to go, Hardwon!" Moonshine shouts.

"You're gonna be great!" Bev shouts. "Just don't think about how many people are watching you!"

Behind the clown make-up, you pale. There are, uh. A lot of people watching. Three judges. Bev, Moonshine. Rust. The other competitors. And although everyone else here is pretending like they're totally not interested in a costume contest and are having more fun dancing or drinking, you're sure they're all watching too. How could they not be?! Two Joker costumes are about to go head to head on stage! Everyone loves the Joker (2019), especially now, the better part of a decade since it came out!

It's time to answer the most important question you've ever faced: what does the crowd think of you?

CROWD EXPECTATIONS

SKILL: 7

Chapter 81 Chapter Text

You didn't bring a back-up costume, but you know two people who'd happily help you make one. Now, where could they be? You think about doing a Bullywug Mating Call, but there's a few Bullywugs here on the dancefloor and you don't want to give them the wrong idea.

Though, you think briefly, it might be nice to have sex for the second time. You look around in case there are any psychics who might have heard that and think very hard thirty eighth time, thirty eighth time!!

Phew, hopefully no one heard that. Haha.

Near you, someone says: "Hardwon? Hey, Bev, I think Hardwon's nearby."

"Like the sense that someone nearby is intensely policing their own masculinity so that they're not even free to be themselves in their own head?" Replies a bright voice. "Me too!"

"Well that can't have been me!" You say as Bev and Moonshine tumble off the dancefloor. "I'm very comfortable in my own masculinity!"

"Of course," Moonshine says. "Musta been someone else!"

"Listen up," You say, your voice an octave deeper than usual. "I'm going to enter the costume contest for fun. I don't care about it or winning a trophy."

"Right," Bev says.

"Sure!" Moonshine says.

"I truly don't care," you caringly say, caring deeply.

"Right," Bev says again.

"Sure," Moonshine says again.

"Like I absolutely don't care," you caringly add. "But I realised I'm wearing the same costume as Pendergreens."

"This finely tailored Joker outfit?" Bev asks. "The one you got specially made?"

"As a joke," you stress. "Because I don't care."

"Sure," Moonshine says again.

"But it obviously means a lot to Pendergreens," you say. "And it would crush the guy if I showed him up at his own party."

"Right," Bev says again. "That guy's got such a fragile ego."

"Just a real thin sense of self," Moonshine agrees.

It feels good to have your best friends in agreement. "Exactly!" You say. "So I need a different costume. So I don't totally smoke him in the contest, which I stress again, means nothing to me."

"So why not just not enter?" Moonshine asks.

"I mean I could totally not enter," you say, heart beating fast. "I could absolutely refuse. But I've signed up so I probably should."

"Right," Bev says again. "But if it means nothing--"

"How about we just look at new outfit ideas?" You say, loudly.

Bev's disposition changes. He grins, mischievously. "Have I got just the thing for you!"

You return to the costume contest a few minutes later, arm in arm with Bev and Moonshine. Because without them, you wouldn't be able to see. They help you up on stage as around you, people gasp. You really wish you hadn't buttoned your shirt up over your head.

Moonshine pats out a drumroll on Paw Paw.

"Presenting," Bev calls out. "Headless Galad Rosell!"

A silence stretches out.

Chapter 82 Chapter Text

You shrink and shrink and shrink until you're barely an inch tall. Even as you scream for help, mouth instinctively forming familiar words as if in prayer, Moonshine, Bev! nobody hears.

You manage to leap out the way as a massive unicorn hoof nearly treads on you. ""𝓊𝒽-𝒽𝓊𝒽-ℋ𝒰ℋ!," you hear, distantly from above. "Oops! Nearly stepped on something!"

You recognise that annoying laugh! "Ren!" You shout. "I'm gonna kick your ass!" But you're too small for him to hear you!

What to do?

What else to do? You get three attacks, an action surge, and you crit on 18-20. Time to break this nerd's concentration!

REN

SKILL: 5

Chapter 83 Chapter Text

It's probably fine.

You decide to stick to your normal 17-18 sticky buns. Any more would be far too decadent. Usually you eat them standing over Martha Toegold's sink but today you chill out, leaning over the punch bowl to ensure any crumbs are caught in the overly red drink.

Well. You started out leaning over the punch bowl. You get kind of lost in the sticky bun sauce, because when you look back up you find the punch bowl is...a lot closer than before. And then the table top is closer. Then the floor.

What the fuck? Are you shrinking?! Quick! Flip a luck check!

Chapter 84 Chapter Text

Triss laughs at you.

You decide she's laughing at Pendergreens but deep down you know it's at you.

...Change outfit. :(

Chapter 85 Chapter Text

Two high level wizards make any fight difficult. But you're not alone! As you manage to deflect an acid splash off your shield (Gemma would've told you that your armour was too much for a simple party. You wouldn't have listened to her. She wouldn't have listened to you. She didn't listen to you. You miss your sister like breathing), Moonshine turns up in time to smack Ren upside the head and turn the terrarium upside down, freeing Hardwon. Bev smacks Ren into unconsciousness as Moonshine unweaves the spell that had made Hardwon tiny.

"Haha," Hardwon says, standing up, dazed. "Damn. I don't remember a thing after eating those sticky buns."

"Oh, you totally beat Ren up!" Bev says, brightly.

"Totally mopped the floor with him," Moonshine agrees.

"I knew it!" Hardwon says. "And I wasn't tiny at all!"

"Not for a second," Bev agrees, lying as easily as breathing. He ducks away quickly as you stare, a little disdainfully, at Hardwon. You struggle to figure out the dynamics of his and Gemma's relationship. Sometimes you worry you're deifying Gemma post-mortem, making her better than she actually was and erasing her. Memory is so fragile, and that's all you have left.

But then, often, Hardwon does something like this and you're confused about your sister's taste in men all over again.

Bev returns and presses something cold and metal into your hand. You look down at it, feeling the shape of the Irondeep Rose in your hand. "I pranked Rust really hard for it," he whispers. You decide you do not need to know what Bev did to your cousin.

"Moonshine," you ask the object of your affection. "Would you care to walk with me through the gardens of this Marriott Bonvoy in Hell? I saw some wild mushrooms growing in the bushes earlier."

"Sure!" Moonshine says. "I bet if we find enough I could whip us up something nice in the kitchens here!"

Chapter 86 Chapter Text

"Do something you remember Galad doing!" You call.

Hardwon stops dead on stage. He tugs at the shirt, opening it enough that he can look out, uncertain. He raises his sword up to the head of Galad Rosell...and puppets it so it looks like the head is making out sloppy style with his sword. "Oh, oh! Rosaline! Oh! I fuck my sword! Oh!"

The audience for the costume contest had been tiny. But the silence that falls upon them is one so curious that it spreads to the rest of the party, more and more attendees looking up to understand the wave of dread spreading out. Before long, every eye is on Hardwon's performance, locked in silent dread.

His scene goes on for too long. Another long silence follows. Finally he shuffles off stage.

Hardwon loses. Josh the Swobold wins. You lose access to the rose and cannot declare your feelings to Moonshine. By the end of the night, several invited frost dwarves are affianced to Moonshine.

You and Hardwon, both shamed this day, leave in silence to go into the mines and silently crack rocks for the next two to three months until the dishonour wears off.

Game over.

Jaina does not have a rose

Chapter 87 Chapter Text

Despite yourself, your body locks into place. You find yourself stepping in time with the others on the dancefloor, a singular hivemind of disco.

There is nothing you can do to stop it. In time your wretched dance expands like a cursed conga, bringing in more and more. And once every being in hell is joined in one electric slide of hate, DJ Starspawn takes his reach to Bahumia, filling every nation with a macarena of control.

Soon, in a wild tango, your tortured dance pierces the heavens and you march in a single vogue on the realms of the gods, overthrowing all that remain in a hokey-cockey that lasts til the heat death of the universe.

STARSPAWN.

Starspawn?

Chapter 88 Chapter Text

Your brother in arms, your fellow crick, Hardwon Surefoot has decided a course of action. Well hey, you might as well help him out!

"Young Bev," you say, dragging Bev to one side. "We gotta make sure Hardwon looks his best out there."

"You got it!" Bev gives a Green Teen salute. "The standard Watch This protocol!"

You run through your spells and cantrips in your mind. What would work best to help Hardwon?

Guidance

Mending

Produce Flame

Chapter 89 Chapter Text

"Good luck out there!" You say, and pat Hardwon on the shoulder. As he walks to the costume contest, his clothes begin to mend themselves, reforming around his quads and biceps. By the time he reaches the stage he's wearing a full suit.

Seeing himself in the mirror, Hardwon falls to his knees and screams, "NOOOOOOOO!"

"Uuuhhh, that's totally Darth Vader," Pendergreens says, his disdain half-muffled behind his mask. "The Joker never screams like that! And I know The Joker! I watch that movie every time I drive out for groceries!"

"What kinda grocery stores do y'all even have down in hell?" You ask, genuinely interested.

"Mostly gas stations," Pendergreens says. "Aisles filled with burritos and sushi."

A terrible thought. But not quite as horrible as Hardwon being marked down for performance! You look around for the costume contest judges. Perhaps they can bribed into giving Hardwon high marks for costume accuracy?

When your eyes alight on the judge's podium you find yourself taken aback with abject horror. The judges are Maw-Maw, a Triss, and Ulfgar Trueaxe, legendary hero. "Ah, fuck," you say.

Bev has come to the same realisation that you have. "If Hardwon loses the costume contest in front of them, it'll shatter his already fragile ego! We gotta bribe the judges!"

"Maw Maw's way to proud for that!" You protest. But Triss and Ulfgar might take bribes...

"Who said anything about fragile?!" Hardwon shouts, having heard a snippet of this. "Watch this!"

"Is he...doing a little dance?" Beverly asks.

"There's no music, but he's dancing anyway," you say, heart swelling with...pride? Familial love? Is there a difference?

Bribe the Judges

Dance with Hardwon

Chapter 90 Chapter Text

You managed to wrest your eyes away from her beautiful chest. Now you can officially declare your intentions in a chivalrous way! "Moonshine," you say, very seriously. "It is...it is good to see you."

"Good to see ya too, 'Jina! Hey, is what I heard about this all being your idea true?"

The music here is pounding. DJ Starspawn is dropping banger after banger. You feel very nervous all of a sudden. You reach for something that will help explain how you feel.

Do you have the Rose of Irondeep?

Jaina has a rose

Chapter 91 Chapter Text

Even though every honourable cell in your body screams, you tackle Rust from behind and begin absolutely pounding him. Soon, there's a group of people circling you and cheering.

You lose -10 morality points. Luckily, morality is not a currency we accept in this game. Instead you'll just wear the stain on your dishonour in your most private heart-of-hearts for the rest of your days.

Quick! Time for a luck check, you dishonourable dog: did Pendergreens see?

Flip a luck check!

Chapter 92 Chapter Text

Moonshine presses her finger to your lips as she slips the rose into her hair. It immediately takes root in the layer of spores over her scalp. "No words, baby," she says. "No labels, no words."

"I also," you say, retrieving the flask you previously picked up. "Located some crickwater."

"Oh hell yeah!" Moonshine brightens immediately. "Let's do drugs while I go down on you!"

Hell, as it turns out, is pretty great.

YOU WIN!

Chapter 93 Chapter Text

It takes you forEVER to sew your Poultrygeist costume. You pluck a whole turkey, learn feather crafting, invent a new kind of Green Teen badge to award yourself once you figure out how to light up the sheet under the feathers so you look appropriately spooky...

...And still, you worry and wonder! Is this enough? Perhaps you ought to pick out...a second costume. JUST TO KEEP IN YOUR BOY-BAG! Man, it's sure been hard carrying everything around since Balnor went back to the future.

You have the following back-up costumes. Write down the one you put in your inventory. You may have to use it later!

''Purple Nurple Worm'' - A Purple Worm covered in nipples. You wore it last year and were immediately disqualified for, quote, 'giving certain people ideas'. Allegedly Rust went on a purple nurple rampage through hell. Oops!
''Bookwrym'' - A black dragon librarian. This costume goes down a hoot at the crick! However, their understanding of librarian is probably more skin to stage hand, given the number of books being acted out at the Crick library. And also you were celebrated for started several fires last time you wore it there. Oops!
''Bee holder'' - This is just your normal clothes, except you hold a tiny bee in your hand and tell everyone that they're beautiful. This is your most popular costume! Aside from all the bee stings you receive from holding the bee. While bees usually die after one sting, Moonshine likes to bring them back to life. Oops!

By the time you're ready to leave your room on the SS Stormborn, it looks like Moonshine and Hardwon have already gone to the party! You decide to follow them; the invitation unfolds, turning into a teleportation scroll and in a burst of hellfire you find yourself in the function room of Hell's finest hotel!

Looking around you breathe in the sulfur and cheap cologne of hell. It smells so much like lawyers! There's a long table with snacks and punch and a pulsing dance floor.

What should you do first?

Try the punch

Hit the dancefloor

Chapter 94 Chapter Text

Unfortunately, you were caught!

Pendergreens bans you from all of his parties for bringing the vibe down. Even though you have the rose and can declare your interest for Moonshine, she breaks up with you when you can't attend next year's Halloween spectacular. EVEN THOUGH IT WAS YOUR PARTY TO BEGIN WITH?

Either way for your social life, it is GAME OVER!

Chapter 95 Chapter Text

You're so good at dancing! Your holy aura coupled with your greasy teenage skin makes you glow.

Soon a small crowd forms around you, everyone totally freaking it on the dance floor! Two factions break out; those who freak it to the left, and those who freak it to the right. It seems like all out dance-war will be declared, but your body speaks the gospel of the freak: it is not directional but bilateral. One must throw shapes in all possible directions. They bow to you, Beverly Toegold V, true prophet of the dance floor!

Write down ''+1 Loyalty of the Dance Freaks'' in your inventory.

Hey, this is a really good party!

You grow dehydrated and tired. The people around you cheer as you retire from the dancefloor, some carrying you on their shoulders.

Try the punch

Chapter 96 Chapter Text

You decide it's best not to spike the whole punch. Instead you leave some crickwater out, just as a safe second option for anyone not super into non-alcoholic punch or super sweet sticky buns!

Someone did leave a baggy of R. Cane here though. You're not into artificial drugs, but maybe you oughta safely snort it before someone irresponsible swings by! Now, what was that about R. Cane having side-effects?

Flip a luck check!

Chapter 97 Chapter Text

DJ Starspawn is absolutely killing it! The music pulses and throbs, the dancefloor more of an infernal moshpit. You hit the dancefloor like it owes you money, swinging all of your limbs in a glorious, sweaty mess, whooping and yelling.

Flip a luck check to see how well you absolutely freak it on the dance floor

Chapter 98 Chapter Text

Pendergreens is wearing the same Joker outfit he's worn for several years in a row, the make-up over his helmet. You know it's the same outfit because Bev threw up on him last year and the vom stains are still all over his leg.

"How ya doin', Pendergreens?" You ask him, slapping his shoulder. To your surprise, he turns to you with a plaintive look.

"I thought I was a shoe-in to win the costume contest again this year," he tells you. "But for some reason, people are a lot less excited about my outfit this year!"

"Well," you say. "It's been six years since Joker came out, and the sequel kinda flopped. And you also haven't cleaned your suit since last year."

This greatly affects Pendergreens. He looks out over his kingdom, this strangely seasonally misplaced Monster Mash.

"Moonshine," he says. "I need your help to win the costume contest."

"Sure!"

The two of you go to check out the competition. It looks like he's up against Josh the Swolebold, Hardwon, and someone dressed in a spectacular unicorn outfit.

"Kinda light in the old competition entrants, aren't ya?"

"I told Beverly it was a different time," Pendergreens says. That makes sense. Well! Better get to helping Pendergreens win, maybe!

Bother Josh

Bother the unicorn

Bother Hardwon

Chapter 99 Chapter Text

Even with the unicorn gone, Hardwon seems a little nervous. But the moment his feet touch the warped wood of the rickety borrowed stage, he seems to grow into himself. Suddenly he's performing like a champ, doing a much better impression of the Joker than Pendergreens.

Pendergreens, frozen in place, looks over at you. His eyes are two burning sparks that seem to cry help me!

You want so badly to help Pendergreens. But there's no way you can keep Hardwon from his big moment!

What do you do, trapped betwixt two buddies?

Pull the fire alarm

Chapter 100 Chapter Text

The crowd goes wild - you've never heard so many people so delighted by a terrible costume. As the judges all vote you the winner of the costume contest, Bev and Moonshine run into your arms and you get to lift them both up at once, overcome with joy.

"This truly means so little to me," you say, almost too happy to speak as you lift a tiny, child sized trophy.

"Oh, maybe you can give it to Paw Paw instead?" Bev suggests.

"Funny joke," you tell him, threading the trophy into your beard.

You, Bev and Moonshine party the night away. You're only lightly rejected by Triss, and manage to get off with a very attractive tree you're sure is a dryad, even though Moonshine keeps saying it's not and to get the chafing healed before it gets any redder.

HARDWON WINS!

Chapter 101 Chapter Text

You shrink and shrink and shrink until you're barely an inch tall. Even as you scream for help, mouth instinctively forming familiar words as if in prayer, Moonshine, Bev! nobody hears.

You're running, looking for help, when a large unicorn hoof comes crushing down, flattening you into paste.

You always did hate horses. And now you have a reason.

GAME OVER.

Chapter 102 Chapter Text

Nah, better come back later. That guy seems weird.

What else is there?

Get punch

Chapter 103 Chapter Text

Even with Bev's help, two Rens soon get the better of you and the two of you are shrunk down to miniature size. Picked up by the scruffs of your necks, you're dropped into the terrarium to suffer - living only as entertainment for Ren's poison frogs.

You bang against the glass of the terrarium for hours, trying to loosen it, to crack the glass. "I think I'm almost out!"

"Hold on," says Hardwon, who has been less helpful than you'd hope. "I found what I'm pretty sure is a dryad and we're sort of hitting it off."

"That's a tree," you say.

"We try not to break his spirit," Bev whispers to you. "Wow Hardwon, she's really warming up to you!"

"Tell me about it!" Hardwon says. "Check out these scratches she keeps leaving on my back!" He's scraped himself from pressing himself against the tree.

"Wow, way to go!" Bev says. "Maybe we can go on a double date soon! Me and Erlin, you with your...Tree-iss? What about you, Jaina? Feel like coming along?"

"Hey," Hardwon says. "You don't have to go stag. Treeiss has a friend!"

You beat against the glass but the aquarium walls are too thick for you to escape. It looks like you're trapped with these maniacs...forever.

GAME OVER!

Chapter 104 Chapter Text

You look up into the eyes of Bev on the Green Teen D.A.R.E poster. They're wide with hope that you could be better than you are. Bev looks at you like that every day. Honestly, it's a little suffocating.

You do not buy the R. Cane. Bev might see you. You tell the imp to meet you on the corner later.

Add 1 SKILL point to your SKILL SCORE.

What to do now?

Find sticky buns

Chapter 105 Chapter Text

The presentation is so embarrassing that you black out as you fail up on stage, the faint noise of Rust laughing at you echoing in your ears.

When you come to, you're on the SS Stormborn. Moonshine and Bev are standing over your bed in your room. When you ask what happened, they talk about how you definitely won the contest, no doubt about it. Everyone was just so impressed with your presentation that they awarded your first prize in everything.

Bev hands you the trophy for the costume contest, stating categorically that Paw Paw definitely did not fight Josh for it. You notice the trophy is stained with a lot of blood. You take it anyway and put it on your trophy shelf. After all, if what your friends say is true and they're not protecting your ego, you definitely earned it!

HARDWON...WIN?

Chapter 106 Chapter Text

The night's still young. You manage to take a deep breath and stymie the bright heat inside your chest.

Add 1 LUCK POINT to your sheet!

Buzzed and whistling a jaunty tune, you step away from the buffet table. What else will you do?

Find sticky buns

Chapter 107 Chapter Text

You cast Guidance quickly and Hardwon immediately swells with confidence. He puts his hands on his hips and says, "Behold! I'm a hot version of the Joker (2019)!"

"But that was my costume!" Pendergreens protests.

"Is that the same costume from last year?" Bev asks, lending Hardwon the Help action. "Hold on, I recognise that dried vomit - didn't I throw up on you?"

"Yes," Pendergreens said. "But I dry cleaned it! I hung it out to dry, which makes it clean. Duh!"

You almost throw up at that. But Hardwon is flexing his muscles, his quads glistening in the candlelight.

When your eyes alight on the judge's podium you find yourself taken aback. The judges are Maw-Maw, a Triss, and Ulfgar Trueaxe, legendary hero. As Hardwon begins to dance on stage, you quickly pull out New Betsy and shout, "Hey, judges! How'd you feel about a jig?"

"Indubitably!" Shouts Ulfgar, jumping up.

Bev joins you with a little flute, and Hardwon says, "Wow, I really wasn't expecting us to go back to being a band. I mean, it's cool if that's what you want, but I've never thought about it every night while practising in my stump, I don't even know if I have my instrument," and retrieves his music block from his breast pocket with a quickness usually displayed by people who feel the opposite of what he's just stated he feels.

The three of you dance up on stage as Hardwon is awarded best costume, based purely on performance and Bev is awarded worst pun in a failed attempt to discourage him. He's already plotting next year's pun.

It may not have gone as planned, but you're sure that this is the best party that's ever been thrown in hell!

Friendship wins!

Chapter 108 Chapter Text

Oh, to hell with bribin', dancin's way more your style!

You and Bev storm the stage next to Hardwon, you with your fiddle New Betsy, and Bev with a little Green Knight flute. Hardwon says, "Wow, I really wasn't expecting us to go back to being a band. I mean, it's cool if that's what you want, but I've never thought about it every night while practising in my stump, I don't even know if I have my instrument," and retrieves his music block from his breast pocket with a quickness usually displayed by people who feel the opposite of what he's just stated he feels.

"How did that even fit in your breast pocket?" Pendergreens demands. But you don't care!

The three of you dance a merry jig on the stage, playing your own instruments. At one point, Beverly sings a solo with his haunted boy voice. Before long, everyone is up and dancing. That's the point of a party after all! You swing Bev around, Hardwon swings you both around, and Paw Paw screes in delight.

It may not have gone as planned, but you're sure that this is the best party that's ever been thrown in hell!

Friendship wins!