Work Text:
"Goth-am"
"What?"
"goth am"
"Oh. Ohh."
"Mhm"
"You're a fucking genius"
"Yep" Jason said, loudly poping the 'p'.
Dick came in and before he even got through the door Tim yelled "goth AM!" at him.
Dick went blank faced for ten seconds or so before deadpannig: "I am so disappointed it took us 13 years to figure this out."
"Hey! Only took me 11, 10 if we're not counting my dead time."
"We're so counting your dead time."
Wally, who had initially come to the Watchtower kitchen with Dick, didn't even enter, taking one (1) look at his boyfriend and siblings, watching as the former (?) crime lord shrugged and replied: "fair" and decided he was not dealing with this.
On his way back to the common room Wally ran into Superman, who must have overheard the bats talk going by the confusion written all over his face. The kryptonian was standing in the middle of the hallway, his brain apperently caught in the loop of horror otherwise know as trying to figure our a bat-conversation™.
Wally took mercy on the poor guy and pulled him along to the common room, meeting no resistance whatsoever from the superpowered hero.
Later that night Superman and Batman were on monitor duty. Wally and Nightwing had the next shift and as shift switch came around both Superman and Wally became victims of another bat-conversation™.
Nightwing skipped into the monitor room, cartwheeling before jumping on the Bat, balancing on the older vigilante's knees as he grabbed the pointy ears of the cowl for balance Wally knew he didn't need. The strange part however was when Nightwing looked Batman dead in the eyes and went: "goth am"
Fucking Batman burst out laughing. Nightwing didn't appear startled at all. In hindsight holding onto the ears of the cowl was definitely a strategic move. Fucking bats and their creepy accurate predictions.
"13 years" Batman was wheezing, barely getting the words out and obviously not giving a shit about the mental health of the two unwilling witnesses in the room. No wonder so many Gothamites went insane if that's what they're exposed to on the regular. Then again Wally was almost certain Gothamites were born crazy.
Case in point: his boyfriend and his boyfriend's father almost tripping the chair over while laughing. The only reason they didn't end up on the ground was that they were bats and things like gravity and balance didn't apply to bats.
Superman and Wally exchanged quite a few glances, reaching from scared to confused, before the bats finally stoped laughing. Well, for maybe 10 seconds because then Robin entered, spraying both his dad and his brother with some greenish liquid (Joker antidote). For about 5 seconds everything was quiet, the bats locked into a staring contest, Nightwing somehow still crunched on Batman's tights. Then Red Hood burst into the room shouting.
"10 years, old man, 10 YEARS!"
And without looking away from the duo at the chair Robin deadpaned: "11" Without missing a beat Nightwing and Batman added in frigging sync: "The dead time counts." And just like that they were back to laughing in that unhinged manner you only found in Gotham. Wally suspected they took pointers from the Joker. Or the Joker took pointers from the Bats. In that city both was equally likely.
Just as things were calming down again a soft chuckle came from the ceiling, followed by a maniacal crackle and a purple figure falling from the vents. Batman caught her without even looking, putting her on his left shoulder so she could follow Nightwing's example of holding onto the cowl. He still kept an arm around her waist though, apperently not trusting her not to fall in a fit of giggles.
Behind the purple girl a black figure, similar to Batman but smaller dropped from the vents, doing a summersault and using Red Hood as prop to launch herself at Batman's other shoulder. She made a few gestures - sign language ? - and for a moment Batman seemed mortified?! It was difficult to tell because for one it was Batman but also the expression didn't stay long, swiftly being replaced as all of the Bats were back to fits of giggles.
At one point Red Hood had pushed Robin towards the rest of the bats, the tech genius just rolled with it, clinging to Nightwing's back like an overgrown koala.
The one to take revenge for upsetting the delicate balance of the chair (how was that thing still standing?!) was Spoiler, throwing a batarang with an attached wire towards Red Hood and pulling on it. Only that the last bat remaining standing had his own plans, tugging on the wire himself.
The probably military graded tug war resulted in the chair being launched at the Red Hood, all of its users somehow still stacked on top. Not for long though, as the following crash send all of them sprawled over the floor.
Or it would have, if they weren't Bats. Since they were Red Hood landed on the floor, Batman half on top of him and the other four Bats draped over both of them in varying states of inhuman poses.
Contrary to what it looked like no bones had been broken, or at least Wally assumed so based on the fact that all of them were still laughing. On second thought he wouldn't put it above them to not give a shit and laugh anyway.
They we're weird like that.
The speaker system switched on and an out of breath Oracle announced: "ETA Agent A 1 minute"
From what Nightwing had told him and Wally had overheard Agent A stood at the top of the bat clan. It didn't seem like he was the active leader, whatever version of that role existed in their weird and complicated family/team dynamic was assigned to Batman. Agent A was something of an ultimate weapon, used by the bats to threaten eachother. Granted, the threats did result in quite a lot of different outcomes. Most of the time the fighting parties would stop throwing fists until the one uttering the threat left the room, there had however been one remarkable occasion when Nightwing had threatened Spoiler and Robin. The two of them had shared a devilish smirk before pouncing at their eldest brother, shouting for 'Hood' to hold him down.
Wally really shouldn't have been surprised when Red Hood had materialized and proceded to knock Wally out. The next thing he remembered about that day was waking up hanging upsidedown from the ceiling with a gag secured in his mouth and a power damper around his neck. He had been slowly spinning and when Nightwing had come into view he had been greated by his boyfriend using that very talented tongue of his to pick the locks at his ankles, holding himself up through sheer core strength. Wally was not above admitting it had been hot.
Anyway, not the point right now.
Not the point either, but that was the day he found out about the lockpicks all of the bats stored in one of their fake teeth. Apperently the reason his siblings hadn't taken them were cooties, out of all things.
The Bats looked up in sync and a moment later a dignified elder man, who Wally assumed was Agent A, came walking down the hallway. Apperently the Bats decided unanimously that Agent A had it handled because they returned to giggling, this time doing their best to muffle it in each other's bodies.
Turns out you haven't seen everything until you saw Batman burying his face in your boyfriend's belly in an attempt to muffle his giggles. Not that the rest of the Bats were doing any better. He could see blood where spoiler was biting Red Hood's hand and Wally was pretty sure he just saw Spoiler stealing Nightwing's shoe, throwing it away while Robin proceeded to shove the now shoeless foot into Nightwing's mouth. Ignoring the laws of physics, anatomy and religion in the process.
The shoe Spoiler had thrown was doged by the smaller, female bat, who was pressing her face into Batman's side, however it did hit Red Hood, who's only reaction was to pull Batman closer without even lifting his face from the original Bat's shoulders.
How had he never noticed that Red Hood was bigger than Batman?
Somewhere between the shoe being thrown and it hitting Red Hood, Robin had snuggled between the female bat and Nightwing, who had made no attempt to pull his foot out of his mouth. As Robin hid his face in the female Bat's belly in a manner similar to how Batman hid his in Nightwing's belly, the giggles finally died down enough for Agent A to speak.
"I must apologize for my family, it seems they made quite the mess. Rest assured they will apologize once they are capable of coherent thought." He took one pointed look at the pile of intervened vigilantes on the floor. "Though I wouldn't advise you to count on it anytime soon."
"They're ok, right? Not poisoned or something I mean?"
"No Mister Superman, they are not poisoned. They are not 'okay' either but that is due to their own poor choices."
"Worth it!", came the muffled declaration from the pile of Bats. Wally couldn't tell who said it but it had definitely been more than one Bat. Usually Nightwing would have been one of the candidates but his foot was still to far in his mouth for him to utter anything so much as faintly resembling words. With anyone else Wally would have worried about the person's jaw but Wally knew from experience his boyfriend did not have no such qualms.
Wally had seen him unhinge his jaw to eat cereal with a ladle on a dare.
That ability had been utilized in more private moments since then, though they had never taken it so far as making unhinging Nightwing's jaw necessary.
So yeah, he wasn't worried about his boyfriend's jaw. Maybe a bit about his spine, but that derived from a lingering belief in God and anatomy.
"If you say so, Masters Batman, Red Hood and Miss Spoiler." Agent A's tone was pointed enough to stab someone.
Wally gulped. Next to him Superman did the same.
Robin stuck his head up from the smaller Bat's belly and all but whined:
"but...goth am!"
His point quickly vanished as Nightwing used his unoccupied leg to shove his brother's head back down, just in time for Robin to avoid the look Agent A send them as the giggles picked back up.
"Not to be rude or anything, but would you mind to explain what's the deal with that?"
Wally swore Agent A would have sighted if it weren't for the two non-bats in the room.
"It's a pun Master Batman has been using for almost two decades as an argument for his lack of a sleep schedule among other things. Master Red Hood figured the pun out earlier, thereby sharing what qualifies as a 'running gag' with the rest of the family. Please excuse their behavior, let me assure you that their sense of humor is not usually that...screwed." He was about to say more when another interruption came from the Bat-pile.
Nightwing had finally pulled his foot out of his mouth. "Goth-am. Cross-" he didn't get further before Spoiler detached her teeth - fangs?- from Red Hood's hand and proceded to shove her foot into Nightwing's mouth, luckily without boots. "Cross-" she cut off with a howl. Apperently Nightwing had bit her.
Batman too made an attempt at explaining, at least Wally guessed it from the way he rose his head and proceded to pull along the smaller bat, who at some point wrapped herself around his head. The shift left Robin's mouth uncovered. The youngest (?) Bat jumped at the chance and before his family could pull him back into the Bats' interpretation of the Gordian knot he shouted: "cross sum! Cross Ahhhh!"
Agent A looked at the fighting (?) Bats in confusion. Until Spoiler emerged from the pile, shouting "sleep" while doing a dolphin jump. Nightwing pulled her back mid air and got bitten for his efforts. His retribution followed swiftly and as he sank his teeth into Spoiler's calf she let out a string of curses that would make a sailor blush, let alone mild mannered reporters. Invulnerability notwithstanding Superman was about 3 curses away from fainting, judging by the deep crimson of his face probably less.
Batman must have freed himself from his living full face gag since he was able to stick his head out of the pile to shout "digits" at them. He didn't get any further because someone, somehow had launched Red Hood into the air. The red bat chose to perform a swan dive, his form perfect right until the moment he crushed his father beneath his massive chest.
Wally though Batman must be cussing but with all the muffled and not so muffled swearing going on over there it was difficult to tell.
Red Hood (maybe?) continued the crushed bat's explanation but he didn't make it past the one word "coffee", before Spoiler viciously shoved her foot into his mouth. Having learned from past mistakes she had left the boot on.
For the sake of his own sanity Wally turned his back to the Bat-pile focusing on Agent A instead. "Aren't you going to stop them, sir?" The title was added almost automatically, something about the man making it seem appropriate.
"Under normal circumstances yes, but- oh" He must have figured something out because the next moment he was chuckling into his fist.
"It seems I should really take them home. Fare well Mister Flash, Mister Superman" Superman, who hadn't moved since the beginning of the bat-pile turned Bat-wrestling-pile, chose that moment to come back online, saying goodbye to Agent A and pulling Wally out of the line of fire of Nightwing's second boot.
Agent A shock his head and walked out of the door, the Bats followed, not bothering to detangle or even stop fighting but rolling after the head of their family instead.
5 minutes after they were gone Wally was still staring at the door.
"You know, they looked a lot like those cartoon fights." Wally turned his head towards Superman, still failing to process what he had just witnessed.
"The ones where they are in a cloud of dust and you see fists, legs or heads poping out of it from time to time."
Wally didn't know whether to laugh or scream at the mental image the man of steel had just shared with him. A look at said man revealed the alien didn't know either.
---
After two days of radio silence Nightwing popped back up, causaly sitting in the Watchtower kitchen as if he and his family hadn't broken Wally's sanity not even 48 hours ago.
It took a bit of prodding but in the end Nightwing explained what was so funny about "goth-am". Turns out it referred to the fact that the Bats were dramatic and nocturnal. Apperently Batman had used it as an argument for being a goth kid and staying up late when he had still been a kid.
Wally felt like that wasn't all though. So he did what everyone did when they wanted information about the bats but didn't dare ask themselves: he bribed Superman into asking Batman the next time the vigilante showed up sleepdeprived at a monitor shift.
Two weeks later he had his answer.
Superman sat him down in the Watchtower kitchen and pulled out a piece of paper. On it was the word 'Gotham' with a lot of space between the letters and some numbers and other letters assigned to each.
"Batman explained it" Superman's tone implied that said explaination had robbed him of his remaining sanity. Wally wasn't so sure anymore that trying to understand a inside joke between Bats was such a good idea.
Superman started explaining before he could voice his concerns.
"It's an alphabetic code. When you replace the letters of 'goth' you get the numbers 7, 15, 20 and 8, the cross sum of 15 is 6 and the cross sum of 20 is 2. The sum of 6, 2, 7 and 8 is 23. The cross sum of which is five. During the 5 days before...that they each got about 2 and a half hours sleep total. 2 and a half hours, 2 hours and 30 minutes, 2:30. Also: when you sort the
digits from the goth number code you get 012578, the row is missing the numbers 3, 4 and 6. The last time one of them to get more than 20 consecutive minutes of sleep? Nightwing, he was woken at 3:46 am.
And that's only half of it."
By now Wally was certain he didn't want to know. He had been very well aware that his boyfriend's family was weird. In and on itself that wasn't a problem. Wally was weird in his own way too. He liked weird. Weird was good, weird was interesting.
It just hadn't occurred to him that this particular bunch of sleepdeprived weirdos could drive you mad with just six letters. Four if you weren't counting am.
Superman continued his retelling of the bat's explaination. Either the man was unaware of Wally's not so minor existential crises or this was payback for making him ask Batman in the first place. Could be both.
"7, 20, 15 and 8 toghether have six digits. There are six Bats. Each digit matches the average daily coffee intake of one Bat during those five days. See the digits and letters at the bottom? R8? Means Robin was at eight liters of coffee per day."
"Liters?! I though you meant cups!"
"I had thought so too but Batman crushed that hope." Along with Wally's and Superman's faith in humanity as it appeared.
Wally looked over the list again.
B7, S1, RH5, N2, BB0, R8
BB must be the female Bat. Wally didn't know whether not drinking any coffee for five days with 2½ hours sleep made her the most sane or most insane one of the Bats.
Later that day he brought it up when talking to his boyfriend. Said Boyfriend laughed it off, saying his little sister preferred black tea with cream over coffee. Apperently he had counted 4 liters daily but his best guess was at 7 liters. Equal to Batman's coffee consume.
That night Wally spent what felt and might have actually been hours screaming into his pillow