Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Dear Oliver,

Forgive me, for being blunt but I couldn’t make myself continue our chitchat about the weather, school and university anymore..

I think you mean well but our letters don’t feel like us anymore and I can’t bear that. I’d rather not be writing then.

So I’m trying with this, even though I’m scared you might never wanna answer me after. Then again, what do I have to lose ? More chitchatting ?

I don’t know if these words will change anything but I feel like I’m gonna burst out of my skin if I don’t at least, write them down. There are so many things, I wish i had the courage to say to you, to ask you when I had the chance…
Yet I didn’t and I wonder how long I will regret that.

Yesterday after school I was in the city with some of my classmates and this guy walked by who was wearing your roger&gallet scent. I say YOURS because I can still taste it on your skin, the tangy orangy flavor mixed with the salt of your skin and I swear, it tasted like the sun too.

My body had such a visceral reaction to that smell, I almost threw up right then and there. I had to excuse myself from my friends and could not shake it off all day.
I could not shake you off… I’ve been trying all these weeks since you left , been waiting for the pain to transform into something else. But the tears are still flowing freely most nights and even if they don’t, I’m dry heaving trying to get rid of the ever present absence you left within me.

Is is possible to feel this way without you feeling it to the same degree too ? I feel like my soul was ripped in two and don’t even know how to begin about feeling myself again without you here.

I have many questions for you, Oliver.
Like I said, I was to afraid to ask them in case I didn’t like the answer.
But to be honest after almost four months of this, there is only one question left:

Is it the same for you ??and if so, when will you be coming back for me ?
Because you simply must be coming back for me then…

Yours always,
Elio

Chapter Text

My Dearest Elio,

I’m terribly sorry it took me a while to get back to you.

I could say there is a lot going on right now, I‘ve been working non stop and we had some family functions…all of that would be true but..

To be honest I felt almost paralyzed after reading your letter, it hurts me so deeply to know I’m responsible for your pain.
I shouldn’t be surprised, that you’ve chosen to voice your true thoughts, after all you have always been much braver than I could fathom.

It feels shallow to say but I’m sorry for the surface level letters, I couldn’t say what I wanted to say to you and I also couldn’t stop writing you, I was nowhere near ready to let you go. I’m still not.
I think, one thing I’ve come to learn about myself is that I’m quite selfish without meaning to be, when it comes to you.
I want to put you first and protect your heart and somehow end up, hurting you even more in the process…

A part of me wishes, you had asked and told me everything you wanted to this summer. I would have told you the truth. But I thought we both kept things to ourselves, intentionally, to live in the moment with each other as much as possible.

If I made it worse for you by doing that, I regret that terribly and deeply.
I wish I could carry your pain for you, I would do it in a heartbeat.

But you asked me a question now and I won’t keep avoiding the answer, you deserve to know even though I’m afraid, I can’t tell you what you want to hear.

First of all: Yes of course, I feel it too.
Being separated from you feels like I’m walking uphill through thick mud everyday just to keep my head above the ground.
What I felt for you will never go away, you‘ll always be with me in a way and I will never regret a single moment I spend with you. I hope I’m being clear without making this any harder on you than it already is.
It’s difficult for me to determine if my admissions are cruel regarding what comes next but I couldn’t lie to you nor could i just ignore your request.

Elio, I feel terrible putting this in the same letter and I fully understand if you don’t want to have anything to do with me anymore after this but it’s the truth: there is this woman I’m seeing. We’ve been on and off for a couple of years now and the way my situation is unfolding, we might be getting married in the near future.

Even if you’re never gonna talk to me again, i need you to believe me when I say that this has nothing to do with us and was always gonna happen.

I couldn’t have predicted what happened between us in Italy but as a result of that I know a part of my heart will always be with you.

I was gonna come down for hannuka and tell you about the engagement in person Elio. But now I don’t know if you even wanna see me again ?

I’m at a loss here, I’d ask you what to do but I know that isn’t fair to you either.

I wanna tell you that you are so very special and incredibly precious to me but I’m afraid you don’t wanna hear me say any of that after what I just told you.

I’m so very sorry for not being able to give you more…it’s killing me to be this guy yet I don’t know how to be anyone else.

Please don’t think for a second that my heart could choose anyone but you, this is not what this is about.
In the end I’m afraid, it doesn’t matter.

But for you I hope that it will someday. That you can make your choices from a different place. Knowing your wonderful parents, I’m optimistic about that. You’re lucky that way Elio.

If you’re still reading let me remind you once again, that I‘ll never forget, that it was the most real thing that ever happened to me and I feel everything you are feeling too.

If I don’t hear anything back from you, I’m gonna cancel next month’ trip to Italy.

I think that’s what you would want me to do.

Please take care of yourself Elio,
I beg you.

With love,
Oliver

Chapter Text

Oliver,

You say you’re feeling the same as me but in the same letter, you’re telling me that you are about to get married ??

I’m so confused, for me, the two don’t go together, it hasn’t even been four months.

I don’t understand.

You were right, I didn’t want to write back at first, just wanted to sit in my ever growing pain and anger and be done with it. Out of all the answers you could have given me, I didn’t see this one coming.
How can the same letter soothe all my open, bleeding wounds in the first part only to rip my flesh fully apart thereafter?
Don’t answer. I‘ve read it so many times, I believe I know what you are gonna say.

I don’t want any more apologies.
There is no point.

How do they say ?
Actions speak louder than words
although I realize that I needed to hear the words from you too. A couple of weeks ago I would have given anything just to receive these words, the confirmation that I’m not going crazy, that what happened was just as real for you as it was for me.
The words feel empty to me now.

Be careful what you wish for…
Another thing they say.

But I don’t feel like I have any control over my desires. If I did, I would have cut the one for you out of my flesh, a long time ago so it can’t keep on poisoning the rest of me.

But the truth is, I still want you here for winter break. I shouldn’t, I know I shouldn’t !! Marzia says it’s self destructive of me to ask you to come, despite everything.
But Marzia isn’t the one walking around with that growing pit of emptiness in her stomach either, is she ?

The problem is, the only person who can possibly understand how I’m feeling is you.

I’m so angry at you Oliver
But I want to be angry at you in person.
I want you to see what you are doing to me and to face my pain now, that I know it’s over…

From your letter I gathered you knew it all along. See, I really didn’t , that’s the difference. When you told me, we’re gonna stay in contact and you would check your schedule for visiting again I thought that meant, we had a chance.

I agree with you, I think it was selfish of you, to leave me in the dark.
Hope, when it’s false can be like a numb knife, constantly messing around in and thus reinfecting the original wound.

Grief let’s you move on eventually but perhaps you didn’t want me to ?
Not fair … because you did and quickly so.

What drives me crazy is that you’re saying it as if you didn’t have a choice in the matter. I’m the one who is left choiceless here. Well, I guess that’s not fully true, cause you did give me one choice to make even though you strongly implied for me which route to take…well, I’m not gonna go the route of least resistance Oliver.

I’m gonna stop here even though I have a lot more to say to you but I wanna do it when you stand in front of me.
If what you said is true then you are gonna come because I ask you to and I deserve it.

Elio.

Chapter Text

Dear Elio,

Just letting you know that I’ll be there for winter break. I just booked my flight.

I won’t justify my actions further in this letter, I couldn’t possibly fit all my thoughts on a few sheets of paper and you‘re right, you deserve for me to tell you everything you wanna know, in person.

I’m aware that I deserve your anger, every bit of it and I don’t want you to hold back when I stand in front of you either.
If I can make you one promise then it is that we’ll talk about anything.
There‘ll be no omissions, no blank spots…
Just the truth.

I‘ll see you soon,

Oliver

Chapter Text

The day comes when Oliver is supposed to arrive in the early hours of the afternoon. Elio is nervous, of course and angry. He’s still so angry every time he pulls Oliver’s letter out from its hiding spot beneath the cushions. It’s all crumbled up by now and some words he can’t even fully make out anymore because the tears have half washed them away. It doesn’t matter, Elio knows every word by heart and he curses himself for that.

He looks at his watch just as he hears the taxis’ wheels on the gravel street leading up to the house. His parents are gonna be home late, they are meeting with friends in Sirmione. Elio is convinced they just want to give Oliver and him some time to talk it all out.

As if a couple of hours would do the trick..

Elio also hears car doors opening and closing and Oliver’s deep, self assured voice in response to something the driver had probably said, „yeah, you too. Thanks, later!“

The curly haired young man feels his forehead creasing.
Why does Oliver still sound like the version of himself who could make his whole world go bright just by half smiling at him over the breakfast table ? The version of him who needed help with cutting the top of his egg off yet would never actually ask for it.

None of this is fair.

While he is walking down the stairs he half wishes to encounter the Oliver from the beginning of their summer, the cold, sometimes even stand off ish version with the icy starre.
It would be easier to hate him that way.

But what he had already suspected is confirmed now when he opens the door to see him stand there, right in front of the villa, his suitcase sitting next to him on the ground , a brown leather jacket over a white kabel knit sweater, his blue eyes immediately searching for Elio‘s.

The pain behind them palpable, as real as his own. It looked like he‘d been crying and somehow this, together with the undeniable attraction he feels towards the taller man as if he has his own gravitational pull on him only gives fuel to Elio’s frustration.

Resisting both, the urge to sink into his arms as well as the one to punch him in the face to make him wake up and see what he is willingly throwing away, Elio just bites down on his lip hard until he can taste his own blood and turns around, „follow me,“ he says.

He hears the taller man lift up his suitcase from the gravel and without a word, doing exactly as he was told.
The set up with the rooms is the same it had been last summer.
Secretly Elio hoped it would hurt Oliver as much as it did him to see the twin beds in his room, apart again.

Having put the suitcase on the bed, Oliver follows Elio out on the balcony where the curly haired boy is pulling out a cigarette and lightening it for himself.

He leans onto the balustrade , avoiding eye contact, waiting for Oliver to say something, anything.

The blonde man is just standing there, hands in his jeans pockets, staring at him from the side.

Then after a couple of minutes, he takes a deep breath as he turns to face the estate, just like Elio. Putting his hands on the balustrade , his right one next to Elio’s left elbow.

Too close, Elio holds his breath for a few seconds before moving away to the side ever so slightly.

„Just say it,“ he spits out, turning his gaze to look into the blue ocean of Oliver’s eyes only to see waves of compassion and perhaps even pity, he doesn’t care to find there. Irritated, he looks forward again towards the empty trees of winter.

He wonders if the emptiness he feels inside is gonna fade away with spring again, if this was just a season in his life he shared with the sad looking fruit trees all around. For them it was necessary in order to bear the ripe fruits of summer again in the future, for him, he feared, a second summer like this would not be in his cards again. With all that came after he wouldn’t be able to let himself fall that deeply and freely without any safety net ever again. No, Summer was over for him, forever.

„Elio-„ Oliver started but his voice was too soft, too caring.

He couldn’t have that. Elio felt his tears coming up, burning behind his eyes. Why was he even trying to suppress them ? Wasn’t this the point of this conversation?
Not holding back anything…

„I want you to say it,“ he repeated his statement from before, sucking on his cigarette.

He hears Oliver sigh, „fine. Look at me then.“

How does he think he’s in the position to make any demands, even now ?

And why doesn’t he even put up a fight but just react to Oliver’s demand and shift his body so their eyes would meet again ?

Oliver smiles but it’s not out of contempt.
It’s the saddest smile Elio has ever seen.

The tears he just fought back down are threatening to come up again.

He tries to calm himself down with another drag of the cigarette, damned be his oral fixation.

„I‘m so in love,“ he hears Oliver say but it’s more of a whisper than a sentence spoken out aloud and Elio can feel his stomach drop.

Oliver’s eyes are still on him, carefully wandering over his face, looking for signs of distress. There is still pity in them.

„With her ?,“ Elio feels like he’s gonna throw up right then and there. Poor mafalda or possibly poor anchise, if he leans over the balcony, he’s gonna hit the garden. Luckily it’s not tomato season.
Far from it.

„With you, goose“ Oliver says, brows drawn together as if it had been obvious.

„don’t call me that,“ Elio manages to say before his stomach cramps again, for real this time and he ends up making a run for the bathroom and throwing up in the toilet.

Great, that must have been attractive…
But why does he even care about that.
Oliver has made his choice and even though he just said, he loved him…no, was in love with him, it didn’t involve Elio in his life.

„Are you okay ? That sounded kind of violent…,“ Oliver was speaking from right in front of the door to the bathroom.

Me okay, he remembers himself saying all these months ago, when the peaches had been hanging ripe and plumb on the trees and gives himself a mental slap on the wrist for even going there in his thoughts.

„I‘m..yeah…no, just.. give me 5 minutes,“

He washes up his face, drinks some water from the tap, looks in the mirror to see a pale something stare back at him, dark circles under his eyes.

Another deep breath and he walks out again to find Oliver sitting on the bed.

„Sit with me,“ he asks and again , Elio’s body just does without checking in with his brain first.

„From your reaction I take it, that’s not what you wanted me to say ?“

The corner of his lip is trending up, carefully. Elio knows, the other man wants to lighten the mood, find back to the banter they used to have but he just shakes his head, curls flying back and forth…his hair is longer now, he wonders if Oliver likes it this way and then again reminds himself, it doesn’t matter.

It doesn‘t matter because oliver likes someone else enough to get married to them in a couple of months from now.

„What did you want me to say then ?“ the tall, blonde man inquires.

Wasn’t it obvious? Hadn’t he told him in the letter that he wanted him to say all of it to his face?

„I want you to tell me, you don’t want me anymore. That you choose her and that we are over…because that’s what you should have told me as soon as you knew.“

Elio lifts his gaze and notices all color leave Oliver’s face.

„I’m not gonna lie to you.“

„No ? So when you said in your letter that this was always gonna happen, didn’t you imply that you knew you’d be getting married all along ? That you screwed around with me, keeping things deliberately unsaid because you weren’t free in the first place ?“

„I wasn’t taken when I was with you.
And i didn’t know for sure, we were gonna get back together, I just -,“

„- you just hoped so ?!“

Elio couldn’t sit there any longer, he got up from the bed, circling around the room, his anger boiling,

„I’m glad everything worked out for you so well, Oliver.“

„It didn’t. I told you, I’ve fallen in love with you.“

„Right,“ elio heard himself laugh coldly, „so much so, that you decided to get engaged within three months of coming back from Italy. I wonder how long it took you to get in between her legs again after you told me, you want to live in between mine ? Huh ? How long, I’m curious?“

Oliver kept staring at him, his voice remaining calm and steady when he replied,
„Everything I Said to you, I meant it.“

„Great way to deflect the actual question professor. Didn’t you say I would get nothing but honesty from you this time around?“

„If you’re gonna use my answer to make it mean something it doesn’t, to take away from the realness of it all then I don’t see the point.“

„I want to know, that’s the point. We talked on the phone every week the first month after, I wanna know if you were having sex with her while I still refused to change my sheets cause they smelled like us?“

„7 weeks,“ Oliver broke eye contact and stared at his hands, „now do with that what you will but you cannot change what you mean to me.“

„Or what she means to you…can’t change that either.“

„Fuck, Elio,“ Oliver’s large hands are on his forehead for a second, then brushing his hair backwards even though that’s hardly necessary, he must have been to the barber because it’s a bit shorter than when Elio had last seen him. He has more of a stubble though, fitting for the colder months. Elio couldn’t grow a stubble if he wanted to…

„What do you want to know ?“ Oliver asks him, determination dominating his features now.

„Do you love her ?“

„Yes I love her, I appreciate her, but I’m not in love with her. I don’t think I ever was.“

Elio nods, just stands there to look out the window for a few seconds.
„Are you gay ?“

Oliver seems surprised at that question, perhaps even a bit amused,
„I‘m like you, I like both,“ he replies after a short while.

Of course he does, Elio had always suspected this.

„If everything you said about your feelings for me is true-,“

„- it is !“ the tall man interrupts.

„Then why not give this a fair chance ? Why throw it away so quickly ?
There would have been ways we could have-,“ he stops talking because finally the tears are taking over and he needs a moment.

Before he knows it, Oliver is there with him, his strong arms wrapped around his body, the thick fabric of his sweater catching Elio’s tears, his snot too. It feels like taking a deep breath after someone had held one’s head underneath the water to the point of almost passing out.
It makes him furious again, it shouldn’t be this fucking easy for Oliver to make him feel like that again.

„No,“ he pushes the taller man away from himself, hard.

Oliver walks backwards until he sits down at the edge of the bed, looks up to him with a sad expression on his face.

„You just turned 18,“ he says as if this would explain everything.

„And ?“ Elio asks, holding up his hands in a gesture of, I don’t get it.

„Believe me, I thought about this.“

„Let’s hear it then, because whenever you thought about it you didn’t care to share it with me.“

„Because it wouldn’t have changed anything and you never expressed to me that you wanted to try-,“

„Don’t turn it around on me! I was so into you, I would have tried anything to keep what we had and you knew that !
I wasn’t in the position to ask anything of you though! All I could do was just sit there, wait for your phone calls and letters and hope that you wouldn’t forget me until you’d decide to come back again.“

„I could never forget you.“

„Then tell me why you never asked me where I want to go to college ? How come that never even crossed your mind that I could end up in New York next fall and we could have-,“ he made another gesture with his hands , not knowing himself what exactly it was referring to.

„you don’t even know how many sleepless nights I wanted to call you, to ask you to come live with me when you start college but Elio it’s just that - a dream. It wouldn’t have been fair of me to put you in that position.
I can’t just have an 18 year old student live with me and expect for people to not have questions. I have a good job, a reputation and I know you‘ll be doing great things in your life…but I don’t want you to do them with a target on your back.“

„Oh so you’re doing this for me ?“

„For both of us, Elio. Don’t be naive, I know you understand what I’m saying. Just because you grew up this sheltered way doesn’t mean the whole world will be as accepting and kind as your parents. It’s very much the opposite of that out there.
My father being very much part of the problem. Being with a man would mean to cut all ties with my family and it would also mean, not having one of my own,“ Oliver stood up once again, slowly approaching Elio, who‘s head was spinning.

He pressed his fingers against his temple, hoping to be able to hear his own thoughts again.

„I didn’t want to burden you with any of this,“ Oliver said when he stood right in front of him again, looking down at him with concern in his eyes, keeping the smallest distance between their bodies.

„why now ?,“ Elio tried to formulate the question at the forefront of his mind,
„Why do you have to marry her so quickly ?,“ he shoves Oliver away from him again, fisting the fabric of the sweater in his right hand for a second.

„Because time won’t change these circumstances and it’s kind of expected of me.“ again, Oliver takes a step forward again, his hand brushing over Elio’s long sleeve.

„don’t invite me to your wedding, I’m not gonna come.“ he says, feeling the pit in his stomach burn with anger again and something else. Looking up into Oliver’s eyes he can see it there too, the need, the longing.

„I‘d never do that,“ Oliver shakes his head slightly and then his hand is lying softly at Elio’s neck, thumb drawing small circles on the sensitive skin above his Adams‘ Apple.

All the heavy emotions Elio has been feeling for the last couple of months are just one breath away from fading into the background. Something in the back of his mind screams at him, he shouldn’t but by the time he translates that feeling into thought he is already on his toes, pushing himself up as much as he is being pulled into the kiss.

The relief is overwhelming, as soon as Oliver’s warm tongue touches his own he becomes aware of the fact, that he missed the way the other man tastes just as much as the way, he’s holding his face in both his hands now, making him feel like there doesn’t exist anyone or anything else outside this moment.

Elio’s hands grabbing for the sweater again, he leans forward into the taller man, pushes into him with his whole body weight.

That’s when he hears another car followed shortly by the sound of his parents voices from right outside.

Chapter Text

After a slightly awkward dinner, that mainly consisted out of Elio's father talking to Oliver about his new Position at Columbia University and his mother giving both of them concerned glances over the table from time to time, Elio retrieved back into his room again while Oliver accepted Samuel‘s invitation for a Drink in his study.

Lying in his bed, the door to the bathroom left ajar, he asks himself, what will come next ?
Did he want to continue down the path they had started to Go this afternoon ? Giving into the urge to be with Oliver one more time, at least physically wouldn‘t change anything when it came to the reality of their Future, or the Lack there of.

Oliver‘s reasons for Not being willing to give them a Chance seemed so engrained in his world view that Elio saw no Point in trying to change them.
Was it selfish to find Relief in the fact that at least, he knew it wasn‘t about him ? The reasons all had to do with Oliver himself, his father, his Family, his view of himself in Society … somehow it Made Elio feel more peaceful knowing that he did nothing wrong to cause Oliver to choose against him. It still hurt of course and he was still angry for the Lack of Communication.
But now he also knew for sure, he was Loved and he believed that Part.
Because he had felt it that Summer and he also felt it in this afternoons Kiss.
Anything physical between them had Never been just that, just attraction or all fun and Games, like it had felt with Marzia.

It had always been a way for them to transcend the Limits of Language to Express outwardly the soul-binding connection felt inside.

And if he could experience that again, one Last time, was he in the wrong for taking it ?

Yes, Oliver might be taken for all these outside reasons But if he‘d be willing to, why should Elio deny himself, knowing now that they felt the Same way towards each other ? Out of Pride ?
Out of Solidarity for a Woman he didn‘t Even know and who, to his knowledge, would never experience the Same Parts of Oliver that he did, anyways.

Because Oliver wasn‘t in Love with her…

Elio is still contemplating this for, what feels like Hours now and finally hears Oliver come up the stairs.
His heart is beating heavy in his chest as he waits for what happens next.
He hears him use the bathroom, hears the toilet flushing and the water running shortly thereafter. Elio doesn’t dare to move, he is staring up at the ceiling, limbs heavy.

Then, finally, footsteps on his floor coming closer until the tall, blonde man is standing next to his bed.

Their eyes meet and again, Elio could swear that Oliver just cried.
He sits up,

„Are you okay ?“

There is that sad smile again, that doesn’t reach his eyes,

„I will be.“ Oliver replies, then
„ it’s late. You can keep asking me anything you want tomorrow but let’s get some sleep now.“

Elio nods. He doesn’t have many questions left anyways. Yet he still feels disappointed, Oliver seems different than this afternoon, more distant.

He wonders what they talked about in his fathers study. He wonders, if they talked about him at all.

Oliver then does something unexpected, he extends his hand towards him, softly raises his eyebrows,
„Are you coming ?“

„I thought you said-,“ Elio begins but takes the hand in front of him, it wraps around his, warm and comforting.

„- that we should get some sleep, yeah.
I just figured we‘ll both be more successful with that if you let me hold you.“

Elio can’t help but smile, it’s a small, timid smile but it’s genuine. His body instantly feels more relaxed. He hasn’t had a good nights sleep in four months and he definitely could use it.

So he nods again as he follows Oliver into the other room. They push the beds together again and lie down next to each other, Elio’s back to Oliver’s chest…
How can two bodies fit together so well, so seamlessly ?

The taller man’s breath on the top of his head, the nose nuzzled in his curls, calms Elio’s nervous system instantly.

He wants to say something, something about how much he’d missed this but then he changes his mind because it occurs to him that Oliver already knows.
By the way the other man his holding onto him, Elio can tell, he has been feeling the same.

Only moments later Elio is asleep, a deep, dreamless but restful kind of slumber that had been long overdue.

Sometime, in the middle of the night he awakes shortly because he can feel Oliver silently sobbing behind himself, a few tears even find their way into the back of his neck.
It’s pitch black outside and it takes him a while to understand it’s not a dream.

Oliver is really here, holding him from behind and crying into the cushion.
The same cushion, Elio had hidden the letter under for the last few weeks. It was gone now, tucked away in his diary.

Compassion, tenderness and even the wish to protect the other man wash away the remains of anger and the feeling of unfairness he had held onto before.

But he doesn’t move, doesn’t show that he is awake but just lays there and feels it all.
After ten minutes the crying stops and the other man’s breathing calms back down again. They both fall back asleep.

Chapter Text

When Elio awakes, the sun is already up high, warming his face through the window.
He turns around to confirm what he senses already, Oliver isn’t there anymore.
Taking a look at his watch, 11 o clock, he can’t remember the last time he slept this long.

For a moment he is afraid that Oliver just left altogether, without saying goodbye…he wouldn’t put it past him.
But a quick glance to the floor and there it is, the dark suitcase serving as proof that he hasn’t been making it all up in his head.

Elio remembers Oliver crying last night and it makes his heart sink.
The truth is, for the last few months, he has only been thinking about himself, about his pain, about his hurt and the questions he didn’t dare to ask. But now that he knew some of the answers, it occurred to him, that Oliver had been hurting just as much.

Elio takes a deep breath before getting ready for the day and then, when he enters the kitchen, finding a plate full of breakfast still sitting out, waiting for him with Mafalda doing dishes in the background and his mother talking to her about Manfredi‘s health, he interrupts,

„Where’s Oliver ?“

Elio doesn’t even care about being subtle, he knows his mother can tell there is something going on and by the way Mafalda is eying him now, as if he were six years old with an abrasion on his knee again, she probably knows as well.

„He’s with Vimini, I think they‘ve gone on a longer walk. Oliver mentioned at breakfast, he didn’t really get to say goodbye to her last time and was feeling bad about that. He wanted to apologize and spend some time with her today.“

Elio doesn’t quite understand Oliver’s and Vimini‘s friendship but he knows, they are close and mean a lot to each other.
He also remembers Vimini having been quite upset with Oliver for leaving so abruptly for Rome last time.

A part of him had always suspected that it wasn’t because Oliver didn’t care enough but that he cared too much and thus was unable to consciously have a conversation that might have been their last.
For the same reason that he hadn’t told Elio, it was over but had entertained the idea of writing to each other and transatlantic phonecalls, all prolonging the enevitable.

Oliver was so afraid of hurting people, of the finality of certain conversations that he avoided them altogether, at least until now.
Even his typical „later,“ was often offered in a fashion that suggested there‘ll be many more encounters, opportunities to connect and engage with each other when really, this wasn’t the case.

Elio had come to learn that he himself preferred clarity and even if he’d experience his heartbreak all over again after this visit, at least, this time, he couldn’t fault himself for holding anything back. There’d be nothing to regret.
Later never comes so he needs to be intentional about how he wants to spend the time they have.

The better part of the day is spend transcribing music in the living room and when Oliver doesn’t return by the afternoon, impatience is animating Elio to go look for the other man.
He wanders over to Vimini‘s parents estate. The little, blonde girl is sitting on a chair in the garden, a cozy blanket over her legs and her pet chameleon in her lap.

Elio sometimes isn’t sure if she likes him all that much.
Looking up into the sun as she sees him approaching, she squints her eyes, to dim the brightness.

„he left about an hour ago,“ she answers the unspoken question when he is close enough to hear her.

„Did he say where he was going ?,“ he asks, feeling like he’s having a deja vu of last summer, always wondering about the mysterious whereabouts of il cowboy, how his mother had called him.

„No, he didn’t. I’m sure he‘ll be back soon,“
She says, a comforting little smile on her face.

„Right,“ Elio reaches for his neck, scratching it, he contemplates if he should ask her if Oliver is okay but he isn’t sure what to do with the answer either way.

Vimini eyes him curiously, „you know,“ she says before he has made up his mind, „I always wanted to have two chameleons but they prefer to live alone… they only like company during mating season…to me, it seems a bit sad but I guess they’re rather practical little fellows,“ she shrugs as the little animal wanders from her legs up her arm to her right shoulder.

Elio stares at her, „suppose so,“ he agrees, a bit confused where she is going with this.

Was she comparing Oliver to her pet chameleon? She truly was a strange, little girl sometimes.

„you wanna know what Oliver said ?“ she asks, obviously already knowing the answer.

„sure,“ he shrugs.

„He said, it’s in their nature, there’s no point in wishing it to be different from what it is. Just as there is no point in trying to convince a goose, not to mate for life.“

„Okay,“ Elio‘s forehead creases, he isn’t sure what to do with this information. So apparently geese mate for life and yeah, sure, Oliver calls him goose sometimes but what is he supposed to do with that ?

„I’m not in the mood for your riddles today,“ he concludes… if she wants to tell him something, she should just say it instead of regurgitating Oliver’s and her strange code language.

Vimini looks at him intently, then sighs and adds, „what I’m saying is, don’t give up on him yet, Elio, because he hasn’t given up on you either. Maybe he tells himself so but I don’t think he would be here if he truly did.“

Elio doesn’t know how comfortable he feels with her having so much inside into his inner life but screw it, it helps to hear these words. Vimini had been the one to tell him, Oliver liked him in the first place, when he himself was convinced the interest was totally one sided.

He gives her a half smile, nods and then thinks to ask, „weren’t you angry with him for not saying goodbye last time ?“

Vimini who is busy trying to keep her chameleon from climbing up her head and brings it back down in her lap, draws her tiny brows together,

„He made a mistake. He’s here now isn’t he ? I don’t spend to much time in the past if I don’t like it.“

„yeah that makes sense,“ he agrees,
„ you really don’t have any idea where he’s at ?,“ he asks, just in case.

„maybe try his thinking spot behind the house?,“ she suggests, her tone encouraging.

„thanks Vimini !“

Back at the house and behind in the garden, there is no trace of Oliver.
The frustration of being avoided once again after all that happened weighs heavy on Elio’s heart.
He knows it’s difficult for the other man as well but they only have seven days this time around, it seems nonsensical not to spend them together especially after what he has learned just now.

In the end, Oliver doesn’t show up for dinner and Elio feels confused and more lost then ever.
Is there any use in fighting for someone who is always beyond reach ?

He doesn’t know. His parents talk about this, that and the other during dinner, but Elio is barely listening, let alone taking part in the conversation.

Afterwards he goes straight to his room, Oliver’s room, their room, where he gets into bed and waits…it seems like that’s all he’s been doing for the last few months…waiting for Oliver not only to realize he wants to be with him but to take the necessary actions as well, jump over his shadow and decide, which man he’d rather be; the one that might be admired by many but fails to be true to his inner self or the man, who lets himself be guided by his own, internal North Star, no matter the perception of others.

For Elio it wasn’t even a question.

It’s dark outside when he awakes, he must have dozed off. But now he feels the other body behind him, warm and comforting, feels how Oliver’s top leg is lying heavy on his own. There is a kiss to his temple.

„I’m glad you’re here,“ the other man whispers hoarsely, his arm reaching around Elio’s upper body, finding his hand on the cushion and interlacing their fingers.

„where were you ?“

„At the Berm. Thinking.“

„About ?“

„You, me, my other life…,“ he sounds tired, so tired, Elio feels the other man burying his nose in his neck, feels his breath against his skin, eliciting goosebumps all over.

He turns around in Oliver’s arms so they are face to face in the dark now.

„And ?,“ he asks, hoping for a different conclusion even though he’s pretty sure Oliver didn’t arrive at the original one for a lack of critical thinking.

Oliver brushes a curl back behind Elio’d ear, kisses his forehead softly,
„believe me, I’m tempted to throw it all away, everything I ever thought my life was gonna be,“ he says quietly, sounding too far away,
„But I just can’t see how it’s gonna work, even if I do. You’re so young…there is so much pressure out there in the world…what we had here was protected, we were living pretty much in paradise. It’s not gonna be the same in the real world.“

Elio takes a deep breath to keep his face from frowning,
„You’re overthinking it,“ he presses his palm flat against the blonde man’s chest, where he feels his strong heartbeat against his skin.
„I know that’s in your nature but I’m not asking you to make a final decision right now. I just need you to give what you’re feeling in here just as much credit as the thoughts in your head,“

„I wish it was that simple“ Oliver replies, „but it’s not only my thoughts that count.“

„but it can be,“ Elio has heard enough of the arguments for their limitations, he desperately needs relief. He has Oliver here with him now, hasn’t he ?

So he lifts his face up to the taller man’s and leans in for a kiss. Oliver meets him halfway, palms his face between his hands and nudges his chin upwards so he can deepen the kiss. It’s still very soft and tender though, like he is afraid of breaking Elio.

It feels good, so good but Elio wants more now. He doesn’t want fear to stand in their way any longer. Recently he‘d read somewhere that every decision one makes is either motivated by love or fear and he knew which side he‘d rather be on.

So he takes the initiative now, climbs on top of Oliver without breaking the kiss and straddles him in bed, excitement and arousal overtaking his system.

Oliver still kisses him deeply as if his life depended on it, holding onto his waist while Elio’s hands are tugging at his nape.

The boy begins to rock his hips rhythmically against the taller man’s lap and finds him fully hard in seconds.
His stomach tightens in anticipation and he draws back for a moment to look into Oliver’s eyes.
They’re dark, clouded with need that Elio recognizes from the many summer nights they shared.

But there is also that sad half smile again that he’d displayed way too many times in the last 48 hours. Elio furrows his brows.

„What is it ?“

„I…I don’t deserve this,“ Oliver speaks, hands still firm on Elio’s hips,
„I feel like I’m just taking from you without being able to give anything back,“
His head sinks down in defeat.

„hey,“ Elio nudges Oliver’s face up again, kisses him long on the lips,
„I want this, I deserve this, don’t I ?“

„I know where you stand and no, I’m not happy about it but I still want this, okay ?“

He asks, holding Oliver’s gaze intently.
There is still inner conflict showing up in his eyes.

„look, Can we just…,“ Elio starts frustrated, „can we just for now, just as long as you’re here, can we just pretend that you are mine and I am yours again ? Can you-,“ he takes Oliver’s large hands and guides them up his torso and to his nipples , where he wants them, „can you touch me like you own me, like you used to ?,“ he then takes one of Oliver’s fingers in his mouth and sucks, „can you, come inside of me and mark what’s yours ? Please ?“

Chapter Text

Elio doesn’t have to wait for an answer. Before he realizes what’s happening, Oliver has already flipped them around, so the taller man is hovering over the boy now, taking the lead. Where there was hesitation before, there is only urgency now. Elio grins as Oliver leans down to kiss him again, hungrily and starts undressing him at the same time, which doesn’t take long considering he’s only been wearing a shirt and boxers.

There is no room for the past or fear of the future, there is only now and the all encompassing passion, their bodies create together. When Oliver pushes two long, wet fingers inside of him, Elio has to bite his lip.

Oliver Cups his neck with his free hand, kisses him long, deep and slow again until Elio’s head starts spinning, the pleasure he’s feeling everywhere throughout his body is making him dizzy.

„Ready ?“ Oliver draws back and licks a vertical stripe over the boys lips, smirking.

This has been so overdue, Elio hasn’t felt more ready in his whole life for anything, and so he just lets his body answer, wrapping his open legs around Oliver’s hips and pulling him forward so he’s aligned with his entrance.

Oliver moans in response, gives him a passionate kiss again, his tongue pushing in, caressing Elio’s, while slowly entering his lower body.

Elio feels so wired, his whole body so sensitive, he thinks he might come already. He had dreamed of this so many nights but never in all their vividness had his dreams ever come close to feeling this invigorating.

Oliver finds his rhythm inside Elio’s body , looks up at him between sharp little bites to his neck and bruising kisses all over,

„Fuck, you’re so beautiful like this,“ he mumbles with his deep voice and for a brief second, Elio feels detached from his body as he asks himself, if Oliver says the same thing to her as well.

But it’s only a second because as soon as he thinks this, Oliver is speaking again, close to his ear, as if he’d be reading his mind, „you’re all I think about, only you,“ he says, biting his earlobe, making him gasp and then turning them around once again, so Elio is on top now.

Elio loves riding the tall, blonde man and sits up, so he can leverage his position better. Oliver looks at him in awe and places his feet on the mattress, so he can push up into him, as Elio is rolling his hips.

„Only me ?“ Elio has to ask again, he wants to hear the words over and over while the pool of pleasure in his lower stomach is threatening to flow over any second now.

„Only you,“ Oliver almost growls, as his hands wrap tightly around Elio’s length.
„I’m gonna come,“ Elio manages to express, a long moan following his words.
„That’s it, let go baby,“ Oliver encourages him, still thrusting up into his body as he’s climaxing, making him see stars all over.

After Elio’s body feels over sensitive, Oliver sits up, hands tightly on Elio’s hips, guiding him to keep his rhythm. The blonde man’s breath is fast, heavy and Elio can tell he’s close as well. He lets his hand sink into the light strands of hair, pulls lightly, kisses him again, sucks on his bottom lip when he draws back and can see the waves of unfiltered pleasure running through Oliver‘s body as he comes deeply inside of him.

They keep kissing as their bodies calm down again, slow and tender.

„I love you too,“ Elio says, as the moon is shining in, illuminating Oliver’s face, showing the most beautiful, vulnerable smile in response. „I know you could already tell but I never said it. But, I want you to know this. No matter what happens,“ he explains the need to say the words and Oliver nods, „thank you,“ he says, pecking his cheeks, his forehead and chin lovingly.

The coming six days are spend much like this, they spend a lot of time in Elio’s room, making love and reveling in each others closeness. Most days, Oliver goes on walks with Vimini in the mornings and they spend some time with Elio’s parents in the afternoons but other than that it’s just them, together, alone, belonging to each other.

There is no talk about what happens after anymore. Elio figures his cards are all on the table and he doesn’t want to risk, what they have right now.

That is, until the very last day, when he can’t push the thought of the nearing heartbreak away any longer.

They are sitting on the couch in the living room, watching a telenovela with Elio’s parents and Mafalda as well.
There is a blanket thrown over their laps, where Elio’s feet are getting getting rubbed by Oliver underneath. They haven’t really been all that discrete this time around, acknowledging that all the people in the house knew about them, anyways.

But Elio can’t concentrate on what is going on, on the screen and is getting annoyed by Oliver making comments about the plot, being playful like the rest of his family, who seem all very invested in these characters, in what’s gonna happen to them when he himself has no clue which direction his own life is gonna take 24h from now.

Sure, Oliver hasn’t said anything in the last couple of days that suggests he won’t go through with the marriage. But Elio knows he has still been thinking about it.
How many times they’ve told each , „you’re it for me, you’re my person,“ he can’t recount anymore, yet it doesn’t change the nagging feeling in his gut, that the other man, no matter the strength of his emotions and inner convictions, will always choose the safe, more rational option instead.

This time he couldn’t even be angry about it, because he knew from the start.

„She should just forget about that doctor, he is married,“ Mafalda remarks in quick Italien and gestures at the screen of the small tv and Elio’s stomach clenches even more. He isn’t sure if he wants to talk now or have sex again but he does know that he wants to be alone with Oliver. So he stands up abruptly, stretches his arms over his head,

„I’m tired, I’m gonna go upstairs,“ he says, expecting the tall, blonde man to follow his lead.

Oliver nods, looks up at him and smiles gently, „you go ahead, I’ll be there shortly,“ and then, seeing irritation play out in Elio’s expression, takes his hand and gives it a tug, so Elio sits back down again, landing on Oliver’s lap this time.

„I swear,“ Oliver says, kissing him on the temple.

Elio can feel his cheeks blushing, he looks around to see if the others are staring at them, since this was the clearest sign of physical Affection they had ever openly displayed.

But he only notices his dad readjusting his glasses, his gaze still fixed on the tv.

An hour later, when Oliver finally joins him in their room, they sit together on the twin beds.

„You know what I’m gonna ask,“ the boy says, his voice small, he doesn’t wanna look the other man in the eyes, afraid of what he’s gonna find.

„Yeah,“ Oliver’s hand brushes over Elio’s head, brushes the curls away from his face, then he nudges his chin up with his index and smiles at him tentatively,
„I’m not gonna marry her. I can’t.“

„Really ?,“ he almost can’t believe his ears.

„It’s dishonest. I’ve practically been cheating on her all week. But the funny thing is, I had to remind myself to feel bad about it because when I’m with you, life just feels right…or…maybe not life itself but, I do. Both of you, deserve better.

But Elio, that doesn’t mean I’m ready to come out or let go of everything, I thought I wanted… I.. need more time. I love you but I need more time to sort myself out. If that’s not enough for you to wait for me, I understand. But if you’d still consider to come to the states for university, I’d very much like to try to make it work.“

Elio takes a deep breath, trying to put it all together in his head; clarity, he needs more clarity,
„So, you’re gonna break up with her ?“

„Yeah, I will.“

„But…your Family won’t be happy about that.“

„No, they won’t.“

Elio nods, „so, you wanna be with me ? Like, long distance, until next fall when I can hopefully come to New York to study ?“

„I’d try to make it back here in between, but yeah, pretty much. If you want to,“

„Are you joking ?,“ Elio can hardly stop himself from jumping his tall, handsome…what..? ..boyfriend..? Right then and there.
He’s beaming.

„Yes!,“ he bites his lip, „ yes, I want to !“

Oliver leans in to kiss him, then resting his forehead on Elio’s shoulder,
„I was hoping you were gonna say that.“

„so…you want to keep it from your family and the people in your life for now?“

Oliver sighs, sits back up again and meets his gaze, looking worried, „is that okay? You know…it’s possible you change your mind…a year is a long time, especially at your age and I want to make sure we’re stable, before blowing up my whole life on a whim.“

„A whim ?,“ Elio feels himself frowning all of a sudden.

„I didn’t mean it like that,“ Oliver says immediately, cupping Elio’s face,
„I know what I feel,“ his thumb brushes softly over the boy‘s bottom lip.

„and I don’t ?,“ Elio asks, not sure if he likes what Oliver is implying there.

„We are just at different points in our life’s that’s all. I didn’t mean to invalidate your feelings,but I’ll be more confident if in a year from now, you’re still this sure about wanting to be with me…I just never want you to feel obligated to give me anything,“ his forehead creases as he speaks low and serious.

„I don’t,“ Elio shakes his head, „it’s not gonna change,“ he feels so relieved now, knowing that there’ll be no wedding, no fiancée, no girlfriend…
He can live with Oliver’s friends and family not knowing, at least for now.

What’s important to him is that they are committed to each other, that they’ll try.

„Does that make you happy ?“ Oliver asks, his own eyes clear and blue, slightly pulling on Elio’s shirt to make him come closer.

Elio leans forward, closes his eyes, „your have no idea,“ he whispers on Oliver’s lips, intending to make his man really, really happy in return tonight as well.

Chapter Text

E: Pronto

O: Hi Elio, it’s me

E: Oh finally, I’ve been waiting for you to call…it’s so good to hear you !

O: I’m sorry, I would have called earlier but with the time difference and work the weekend really was the first opportunity…it’s good to hear you too by the way, I needed that.

E: Did you…did you get a chance to talk with her already ?

O: Yeah I did, she came over yesterday after work and we had a long conversation.
I told her getting engaged was a mistake,that i did it for the wrong reasons as sort of an overcompensation cause I wasn’t in a good place. I apologized of course but she didn’t wanna hear it…

E: I’m sorry,that must have been hard

O: Yeah I’m not sure she’ll ever forgive me but I still believe it was the right thing to do

E: I agree but I’m a bit biased

O: (Chuckles softly) I wish you were here right now, I’m sure that would make me feel a lot better

E: Mhmm you know, I’ve been thinking about that. what about Passover ? I know you said, you‘d try to make it here again but perhaps, I could talk to my parents and see if I could come to New York instead?

Oliver ?

O: Yeah sorry, I just thought about that and I think it’s better if I come to you. You know, i wouldn’t want you to rent a hotel but I don’t want my neighbors to start talking either…

E: But…why would they mind ? I could be your cousin or something.

O: I just don‘t think it’s a good idea for now, that’s all.

Elio ? You okay ? I didn’t wanna upset you.

E: Yeah…no…I..I understand you don’t want your neighbors to know we’re fucking but what about when I am living in your city in a few months…won’t I ever be able to come over because your paranoided someone’s gonna assume
I’m your boy toy ??

O: (Sighs) no…I don’t know. Honestly, right now I don’t. I just broke up with the woman, I thought would be the mother of my future children and I’m simply beat okay ? Let’s just talk about this an other time.

E: Mhmm alright…you know I have this thing this afternoon, so..

O: Elio please. I was so looking forward to speaking with you.

(sighs)

So, what is this thing you are going to do ?

E: A bunch of us are going to the movies.
Chiara and Marzia are gonna come pick me up any minute..

O:Well, tell them I say hello

E: Yeah…whatever..

O: Are you pissed now ?

E: I just don’t see the point in us trying this thing if you’re that afraid of what people might think.

O: So you’re pissed.

E: (pause)

I need for this to work out, Oliver. The last week there was no communication and I was just sitting hear again, hoping you didn’t change your damn mind and feeling sick half the time because I knew you had to have that conversation, not knowing how it was gonna turn out. And then you finally call today and let me know you’ve actually gone through with it, and then a few minutes later tell me, I can’t ever stay with you for longer than a couple of hours because your neighbors might figure something out. Like, I get you want to take it slow and everything it just feels very discouraging.

O: I’m sorry…this has nothing to do with you, it’s just all a lot for me right now and feels safer if I just come to Italy in spring one more time. I won’t feel this way forever, okay ? I‘ll get there. I want you here.

E: You sure ?

O: I’d show you how sure I am, if you weren’t on the other side of that fucking ocean right now.

I can tell that made you smile a little bit, by the way

E: How ?

O: I just do.

E: I‘m sorry if I’m being bratty. I just, I’m terrified you’re gonna change your mind. I didn’t realize this would be so hard this time around.

O: There is no part of me who wants to go back to who I was before I met you Elio. I‘d never put you through the same thing twice. The one thing your dad asked of me was that, no matter which way I go, I do it with all my heart cause if you’re hearts not in it, it’s gonna bear down your soul eventually…that’s what he said, if I remember correctly.

E: He’s poetic like that.

O: Yes, he can be.

E: So…you’re not gonna change your mind ?

O: I’m not gonna change my mind.

E: Good…I…oh wait..the girls are here…I’m sorry, I have to go..

O: No, no..don’t be, have fun at the movies and you know…

E: Yeah ?

O: Enjoy the time with your friends.. because that’s what they are…right ?

E:(Chuckles) are you serious? You’re jealous of Marzia all of a sudden ? That’s new.

O: Nonsense. I’m jealous of everybody who gets to be close to you when I can’t…I just usually hide it better.

E: To be honest, I kind of like hearing that

O: Well, now you’re being bratty

E: You have nothing to worry about, she’s a great friend, that’s it. I haven’t done anything with her since the summer.

O: I know, still…tell me what I wanna hear

E: I’m yours Oliver, completely, head to toe

O: (Takes a Deep breath)

good.

Same here.

Go have fun, baby. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.

E: Yeah, I love you, talk tomorrow

O: Love you too, bye

Chapter Text

Elio,

Forgive me for not being able to make it to Italy over Passover, like I said I would.
I tried to call several times after our last conversation but even though Samuel tried to be more diplomatic about it, I know you don’t wanna talk to me right now.

I can’t fault you for that. I get it, I’d be pissed as well…

Let me try to explain because I think I failed in our last phone call to express myself fully and correctly. I know that I’m still struggling with sharing my thoughts and feelings with you, I’m working on it!
A big part of it is that I just want to shield you, protect you from everything bad out there and just focus on the good between us, but I realize that in order for us to stay connected, I need to let you in, let you see what’s troubling me as well.

I love you Elio! More than I ever loved anyone, more than I ever will and it’s still scary. You were right to call me out on that conference last time. Yes, I knew when it was gonna be a couple of months ago but it just so happened that I got invited by a fellow professor, who I admire very much and who himself has published work before. He is gonna introduce me to people that could be really helpful to support me on my publishing endeavors in the future. But I told you that and you weren’t convinced that was all - you might have been right.

I’m gonna be very raw and honest now, I haven‘t been telling you this before for the reasons I named above.
Ever since breaking off my engagement, I’m feeling very isolated and alone.
It’s not because I wanna be with her but I have been missing her friendship and companionship.
Don’t get me wrong, there are lots of people in my life but as you can imagine it’s rather surface level since I’m being very protective of us and our relationship. I keep my family at bay because they are constantly asking about my privat life after the separation and are just in general very pushing and controlling people.
All that leaves me spending a lot of time on my own, apart from work, which honestly has been my saving grace the last couple of months.

So I guess that is another reason why I felt very drawn to that conference.

Please be assured that this identity crisis I’m having has everything to do with me and my shortcomings, nothing with you.
But I’m not close to being my best self right now and i don’t want to use you, to fill that void. I need to change something within first.

So here I am, still asking you for more time. I know I get in my head but you still have all of my heart and I want to make room in my life for you, I really really do!

And to answer your question from the last call, since you (understandably) didn’t wanna listen to me then; of course, I want to see you! Of course I want nothing more than to hold you in my arms and never let you go again. Every fiber of my body craves your silky skin, your perfect lips, your wild little curls - I want all of you all the time but I’m gonna cut myself off here, before my mind gets the better of me.

In short,
I’m deeply sorry for letting you down.
I’m working on it. Working on myself.
For you, for us.

Call me.
Or write me.
But please, get back to me.

Yours,

Oliver.

Chapter Text

Call connecting …

O: yes ?

E: it’s me

O: thank god. Elio, you okay ?

E: mhmm, don’t know.

O: talk to me. How are you feeling?

E: shitty…

O: you got my letter, right ?

E: yeah, yeah I did

O: I’ve been thinking about how to make this better and perhaps…perhaps it’s time I need to talk to someone who has some experience with this kind of stuff.

E: like…a therapist ?

O: well, I guess I can’t be offended, I could probably benefit from that too but no, that’s not what I mean.

E: what do you mean ?

O: like, I don’t actually know anyone who is in a relationship like we are. That’s why I struggle to talk to my friends, I just don’t know how they’re gonna react.

E: who cares ?

O: (sighs) I guess I do.

E: if they don’t like it, they’re not really your friends. I wouldn’t care if Marzia didn’t like you.

O: oh, I bet she’s my biggest fan.

E: see, it doesn’t bother me.

O: that’s different Elio. The reason Marzia might not be fond of me is because you slept with both of us at the same time and on top of that, I broke your heart.

E: why does the reason matter, either they like it or they don’t

O: see, that’s why I need to talk to someone else about this. Someone who has gotten a little more of a traditional upbringing…
I don’t want to argue with you. And you’re right, it really shouldn’t matter.

E: I want to come to New York

O: Elio, we already talked about this, I have that conference and -

E: I don‘t care. The conference is in New York isn’t it ? So you‘ll be there. You‘ll have a few days off during the Passover/Easter break as well. I already talked to papa.
He said I could talk to two of his colleagues that live in the city, regarding college applications.
So, don’t worry, it wouldn’t be just about you.

O: I..I don’t know what to say. Is Samuel coming with you ?

E: yes, we‘re planning on staying in a hotel, don’t worry, I won’t invade your space or alarm your neighbors with my presence.

O: common now Elio, that’s not fair. I never said -

E: yeah, right Oliver. Let’s…let’s just talk face to face, maybe then I won’t constantly feel like you’re pushing me away. I think papa is looking for flights leaving right after school break begins here, so in about ten days.

O: Elio. Please. I’m not pushing you away. I just want to make sure its safe and it’s right when you do come here

E: yeah…but if you’re waiting on outside sources to tell you that, you’ll be waiting forever. And I’m sorry but that’s too long, even for me.

O: fuck. I know but I’m not asking for forever. I love you. So much.

E: you keep saying that. But how come I don’t feel it ?

O: you think I’m lying ?

E: (pause)

No…(sighs)

O: I want you to be happy. If you’re not, I’m not doing my job properly but I’m playing the long game here, Elio. I need to lay a foundation in my life so we can land on something. I need you to trust me with your heart.

E: (huffs) that’s fucking hard Oliver.

O: I know! I know I hurt you baby and I’m sorry, I was a fool…But this thing we’re doing only makes sense if you trust me.

E: I just know that I need to see you.
I’m just so tired of all of this back and forth.

O: I understand. Okay, let’s talk about everything when you’re here then.

E: yeah, okay. Let’s do that.

O: Elio ?

E: huh?

O: I can’t wait..

E: you didn’t even want me there

O: and now that I know you’re coming anyway, I can’t wait. What can I say ? I’m an oxymoron.

E: you’re a geek is what you are

O: well, if I’m a geek what are you ?

E: we’re the same so…I guess I’ll be a geek as well

O: two geeks in a pot huh ?

E: (chuckles) stop it with the lame jokes.

O: oh…so now I’m lame too ?

E: shut up, I’ll see you in ten days.

O: good. See you soon.

E: bye

O: bye, I love you

E: yeah, me too.

Chapter Text

When Elio and his father arrive at their hotel in the City it is almost 5 pm already and they are both beat.
The Plane ride hadn’t been without turbulences, emotionally for Elio as well as physically for the passengers and he overall just felt exhausted.

Despite that, after he’s taken a shower and shoved in the club sandwich together with the soup du jour, which ended up being a pea soup, reminding him of his and Oliver’s last night in Rome together, he goes to knock on his father’s room’s door.

When he opens up, the older, bearded man smiles in surprise,

„i thought you wanted to be alone ?
You were so quiet on the flight, I assumed you were really tired.“

„yeah..i was. But I’m.. better now. I think, I’m gonna go over to Oliver’s.“

Samuel raises his thick, dark brows,

„Isn’t he still at that conference ? To my knowledge, he wanted to meet us tomorrow morning for breakfast,
on his day off.“

Elio takes a look at his watch, it’s almost 6.15pm.
He shakes his head,

„If he’s not home now, he will be soon. I mean, it’s dinner time, I think he ought to be off by now. It’s not too far from here, just a few blocks, so if he’s not there, I’ll just come back.“

The truth is, Elio can’t wait any longer. Not now, that he knows he is so close to the man, he cannot stop thinking about. Oliver is always there, in the back of his head, no matter if he wants him there or not, no matter if it hurts or gives him butterflies…it doesn’t make any difference, there is no getting rid of him.
And so he needs to see him, needs to know where they stand after these months apart, after all these phone calls, the uncertainty that he believes to pick up in the other man’s voice from time to time.

„alright. And if he’s home, I’ll just see you guys for breakfast tomorrow ?,“ his papa asks, rightly assuming there is no way to convince him otherwise right now.

Elio nods and wants to turn around, when he feels his father’s hand on his shoulder,

„will you give me a call when you’re there or check back in with me in case you return to the hotel, just so that I don’t get in trouble with your mother. You know, she tends to worry in unfamiliar places.“

„sure,“ Elio shrugs. He smiles lazily at his dad and then makes his way down the hallway, looking at Oliver’s address,
he has written down on the back of his hand.

***

Oliver’s apartment complex really isn’t far from their hotel and not far from Central Park either.
Elio can imagine the young Professor taking his morning runs there or getting his coffee in the charming, little tea house down the street.

His nose is getting red as the cold air of the evening is hitting his face but its refreshing as well, makes him feel more awake and somehow more optimistic about what’s to come.
During the flight he was a bundle of nerves, feeling like his insecurities were getting the better of him, were eating him alive…what did Oliver, a tall handsome, young author and professor, living and working in New York, even want from him ?

He had everything going for him so why should he risk his career and reputation for a skinny, inexperienced kid from Italy ?

But now, there is this inner voice telling him, that one can’t explain these things.

No matter how Elio might think of himself in each moment, deep insight he knows, he’s valuable and lovable, that he’s a good person.
And he also trusts the way he feels about Oliver and part of him, takes his love for the other man as proof, that he must feel the same.
Because it doesn’t feel like a decision, the love between them, just is.

What is a decision, on the other hand, is to commit to one another despite the distance and the irritation that he feels coming up every so often because he doesn’t know what Oliver is thinking and doing, because he misses him so much, he can’t breath sometimes.

And somehow words and promises of tomorrow only ever soothe him for a little while before the hole in his heart needs filling again.

Elio shivers, from the cold and from excitement and presses the bell with Oliver’s last name on it.

He waits, nobody opens. Looking at his watch again (6.45 now), he decides to wait a bit, perhaps he went out to eat after a full day with his colleagues.

Luckily, Elio has bundled up, with a coat and a scarf, he barely ever needs to wear in Milano. Not during spring time anyways but here the wind seems to be just a little chillier.
He wraps the green fabric around his neck and part of his face as he sits down on the little step, leading to the front door of the building.

Ten minutes later, he get’s lucky - an older lady leaves the building and Elio takes the opportunity to sweep into the complex after she’s left.
He walks up the stairs, going down the hallways and scanning the name tags with his eyes, next to the apartment doors until he finds the one, he is looking for.
Satisfied not to be stuck outside in the cold anymore, he sits down in front of Oliver’s door and continues to wait.

He takes out the small book, his has brought in his pocket and continues to read or re read, „Wuthering Heights“

***

Next thing he knows, he wakes up from a deep slumber, the book lying on the floor next to him, it must have slipped out of his hand, as he’d fallen asleep, and hears some chipper voices and deep laughter from down the stairs.

Confused, Elio takes a look at his wrist watch again and his eyes widen as he realizes its already 11.20 pm.

Fuck. He didn’t call his dad at the hotel. He’s probably all worried now.

Then, Elio turns his head as Oliver, accompanied by some other guy with broad shoulders and dark hair, is walking down the hallway.
The two men are laughing and while walking, the dark haired man places his hand on the tall, blonde man’s shoulder.

Elio is still not sure if he’s awake or asleep, but somehow gets up from his spot on the floor, making his presence be known.

„You know, I was a mess before tonight, I. - Elio ?,“ Oliver stops in his tracks as his gaze falls on the curly haired boy, standing just a few feet away from him.

Elio, not knowing what to do with his hands, all of a sudden, pushes them deeply in his pockets, his gaze going back and forth between the other guy and Oliver.
Of course, he has no idea who that guy is, but he wants him gone.

For some strange reason the dark haired guy’s face lights up, as he’s staring at Elio now,

„that’s your Elio ?,“ he asks, pressing down on Oliver’s shoulder.

„That’s him,“ Oliver smiles warmly, as he takes a few steps forward until he’s really close, his breath smelling like wine but Elio doesn’t mind.

He looks up into his man’s face and feels himself blushing, biting his lower lip he turns his head slightly, because otherwise he can’t be held accountable for his actions and they are still standing right there, in front of that guy, in the hallway of the building that supposedly has very nosy neighbors.

„Listen Oliver, I’m gonna take off, leave you guys to it.
Let’s catch up soon though, alright ?,“ the broad shouldered guy says.

„yeah, yeah, thanks Jonathan, I’ll see you.“ Oliver nods at the guy and puts a hand on Elio’s lower back as he looks for his keys with the other.

„It’s late..,“ Elio mumbles as they enter Oliver’s apartment, „…who’s that guy that you were gonna hang out with ?“

„Jonathan,“ Oliver replies with a half smile and doesn’t waist any time, once they are inside, he walks Elio back against the door, his leg pressing Elio’s thighs apart, his hands suddenly everywhere.

„don’t worry, you have nothing to be jealous about,“ he speaks, deep and reassuring against the boy‘s temple.

Elio furrows his brows, tries to center himself while he feels the heat rising in his stomach, his whole body responding to Oliver’s presence.

„I’m not jealous,“ he gets out weakly and lifts his arms to reach around the taller man’s neck.

„ no ?,“ Oliver asks with a grin in his voice, his lips roaming around Elio’s neck, he knows the other man is breathing him in.

„It sure looked that way,“ the older man teases, pecking at the hollow of his throat, pressing his pelvic floor forward against his. Suddenly elio is hyper aware of all the clothes they’re still wearing, he can’t even recall ever having felt cold before. There is only heat traveling through the whole of his body now, from the tips of his toes up the roots of his hair.

„Shut up and kiss me already,“ he demands and hearing the growl Oliver produces in the back of his throat in reply makes him feel proud.

The older man kisses him then, deeply, it feels a bit rough with the current stubble on his face but Elio likes it a little rough and so he lets himself be taken that way.

He doesn’t know exactly how it happens but clothes are flying off and he’s only getting warmer still. Once they’re down to their underwear, Elio’s lips already red and swollen from all the kissing, Oliver lifts him up and instinctively Elio’s legs wrap around the taller man’s pelvis.

„You’re gonna show me your bedroom now?“ Elio grins, between kisses, holding onto his lover who is moving them away from the front door, into the next room.
But because the lights are out and it’s dark outside, Elio can’t quite determine which room they’re in.

But then he feels Oliver placing him on a hard, flat surface, that feels like a table.

„Let’s do it right here,“ the older man says, voice deep and husky, then kisses Elio again.

„Lie back down for me,“ he orders and Elio hasn’t ever obeyed to anyone so hastily in his life.

He sees Oliver look him over, eyes dark with lust and it still makes him shiver with arousal to know its all for him, he is the one Oliver gets all hot and heavy for.

Now that Elio is on his back on the table, Oliver gets rid of first his then the boy‘s underwear, then places Elio’s feet on his shoulders before he’s carefully slipping in two fingers, opening him up.

Elio can’t help but moan out loud as Oliver knows exactly what he’s doing inside of him.

„God you’re perfect“ Oliver speaks low, watching him in awe,

„I’m so fucking hard for you.“

„Yeah ? Show me,“ Elio demands and has to bite his lip again when Oliver finally presses into him.

It feels like homecoming, again, every single time.

Bliss is all there is in Elio’s world for the next minutes when their bodies just react to one another and find their rhythmic harmony.

When Oliver comes inside of him, Elio is right on the edge and doesn’t even have time to reach down before Oliver’s lips are wrapped around him and he finds himself finishing in the warmth of his lover’s throat.

***

„I need to call my dad,“ Elio remembers later after Oliver has washed them and carried him to bed.

„At the hotel, he wanted me to call him when I’m here to let him know I’m okay.“

„then we’ll do that,’ Oliver replies and for today, all of Elio’s worries are washed away.

Chapter Text

The next day, when Elio awakes he needs a moment to realize where he is. The all too familiar heaviness in his bones, that he’s been waking up with for months now is missing when he flutters his eyes open, he doesn’t know why that is yet.

The room he is waking up in looks like the bedroom version of his father’s study , dark brown wooden bookshelves up against the wall, warm colors, inspired by nature and even a houseplant to the right of the door next to the window.

Before he feels Oliver‘s warm hand on his tummy, he remembers everything.
Elio smiles and turns around to face the tall, blonde man, who had the capacity to make his whole world go from black and white to full color (or the other way around for that matter), with only so much as a facial expression.
Going by that, he doesn’t have anything to worry about right now; Oliver looks at him with love in his eyes, contently, happy even. And that is how Elio feels as well, happy.

He smiles, stretching his arms out over his head, „so this is the bedroom of il cowboy,“
he teases, watching Oliver chuckle softly and shake his head.

„I can never tell if that’s supposed to be an insult or not,“ his hand is gliding up Elio’s torso, softly caressing his face when it gets there, „Jesus kid, you’re even more beautiful than I remember,“ he says, looking him in the eyes.

„Stop it,“ Elio feels his cheeks heating up and butterflies absolutely everywhere in his body.

He knows they should probably talk. There had been so many disappointments, so much miscommunication since Hanukkah, and he had sworn to himself that he wouldn’t leave this time, not knowing what to expect going forward. He thought about that guy from last night again and what Oliver had said.

„I can see the wheels turning,“ the blonde man smirked , hovering over him now.
„What’s up?“

Elio feels his nose crinkle,“that Julien guy-„

„Jonathan,“ Oliver corrects him and gives a soft kiss to his shoulder.

„Yeah, whatever…“ Elio roles his eyes.

Oliver chuckles, „so salty,“ he mockingly accuses while kissing up Elio‘s neck, gently rolling the sensitive skin between his teeth.

Elio presses his head back in the pillow, giving Oliver more room for his administrations, then takes a deep breath to center himself as he lets his hands rest on the full head of blonde hair beneath his own face.

„In the hallway you told him, you felt lost before speaking to him,“

„is that so ? Doesn’t sound like something I’d say,“ Oliver didn’t really seem particularly interested in their conversation, not as much as he was in making sure Elio would leave today with multiple hickies on his neck.

Elio felt his body reacting, of course, but he also couldn’t make the same mistake yet again. Twice now, in the periods they had been together, he had avoided talking about everything he needed to, to feel secure, instead they had spend most of their time inside one another, disregarding their future chapters for the sake of present climax(es) and as tempting as that was, he needed to take care of his future self as well.

So Elio gently pulled on the blonde strands of hair, lifting the taller man’s face up to his and let himself indulge in another heated, promising kiss before softly biting his lover’s lower lip and drawing back, nudging Oliver to sit back against the headboard.

„Tease,“ Oliver smirked and gave a soft kiss to Elio’s temple, who was now sitting to his side, „okay, okay, Let’s talk then.“

Elio nods, content to see, Oliver is not going to make this even more difficult for him than it already is.

The other man looks out to the window, sighs,
The mood is shifting almost tangibly so.

When Oliver speaks next, his voice is almost flat,
all prior amusement gone from his face,
„I told you, I haven’t been doing great.“

He sounds a bit nervous as his gaze returns to Elio and he adds,

„It doesn’t change how I feel about you of course but …there is no one in my corner here.
It’s been…very lonely. Jonathan…he‘s been through all of that himself, he understands what it’s like, not being able to tell anyone.
You know, my mother calls me every Sunday wanting to set me up with a new woman, it’s like she has an add in the paper. It’s like, no matter what I do, I’m hurting people, I’m lying or just not being truthful and it chips away at my ability to show up authentically. At work is pretty much the only place where I feel honest right now. Simply because you‘re not supposed to bring your private matters in there and no one is asking.“

Elio can’t help but feel like he is the problem here.
„I…I don’t wanna be the reason you’re hurting.“

„Well, neither did I wanna be that reason for you but I still am. I‘m afraid in circumstances like this, love doesn’t come without pain.“

Now Elio has to look out the window for a moment, he is afraid of the answer he might get to his next question,
„Mhmm but do you think it’s worth it, to hold onto what we have , if it brings so much suffering ?“

The reply comes quick,
„Every time we’re together, I do,“ Oliver’s voice is soft, warm when he says this. His large hand comes to rest on Elio‘s thigh, thumb circling on his alabaster skin gently.

Elio looks down at it,

„And when we’re not ?“ he asks.

There is a pause.

„Then I try to remember that the suffering is because I want to be with you and that would be the case whether we are on speaking terms or not, whether I was with someone else or single, as long as I am separated from you there‘ll be a form of suffering.“

Elio lets out the breath he was holding and nods, yet, he cannot look at his boyfriend and it takes all his courage to speak the words that have been building up in the back of his mind, the place he rarely dares to look at himself because he is so afraid, whatever hides in there might be true.

He swallows,

„I agree. But I also think there are different types of suffering and some are more toned down, more like a distant memory of the feeling. I wonder if we just cut it off right now, if we were able to say; we know we love each other and we know we‘ve been truly happy in the few days we had, like, we had the stars, you and I… if we were able to just acknowledge and accept that this was a once in a lifetime kind of thing, and take solace in that fact but move on regardless, if we might then be able to come to a point where we can be happy again, just with the memory of one another….It would be….maybe, certainly a more muted kind of happiness but the suffering would therefore be muted as well, don’t you think ?“

His gaze is still fixed on Oliver’s hand on his thigh, although the thumb isn’t moving around anymore. It‘s still, too still perhaps.
He bites his lip.

The large Hand than comes to nudge his chin up gently, so their eyes meet again,

„Where is all of this coming from ?,“ Oliver asks, he sounds hurt and Elio hates everything about that.

„It’s just…I love you Oliver, with all that I am but I also really, desperately want to be happy. for all we know, this is the only life we get and I just realized in listening to you, how much both of us have been hurting and I want you to be happy as well. Like, I cannot ask you to brake ties with your family over me …and it’s always gonna feel like you having to make all the sacrifices to be with me,“ he shakes his head, „ I don’t want that. I don’t wanna be a burden on your life forever. That isn’t fair, neither to you , nor to myself.“

He knows Oliver had voiced similar concerns back during Winter break, when they’d first talked about all of this. Back then, he didn’t wanna hear it.
Perhaps that is why he feels so guilty right now voicing these thoughts.
He‘d known about the circumstances he’d agreed to, he just wasn’t sure he’d be strong enough to really handle them.

Oliver’s brows draw slightly together before he uses both his hands to brush his own hair back, he looks even more Sirius now,
„But it’s not you. If I am breaking ties with my family it will be because of who I am not because of you, Elio.“

The boy shakes his head,
„it’s the same thing, cause without me you wouldn’t be in this position.
In fact, you‘d probably get ready to get married any day now.“

„Right,“ Oliver admits, „To a woman I‘m not in love with. So even just that, without you in the picture, wouldn’t have been true to myself. I know people get married for all kinds of reason. And she has always been a close friend and would have been a great mother but that was never the reason, I personally wanted to get married some day,“ he says, jaw tense.

„no ?,“ Elio presses, he needs to hear all of Oliver‘s thoughts on that matter.

The tall blond man looks at him intently, brows drawn together,

„No, for heaven’s sake Elio, I read poetry in my free time. I know I come off as pragmatic but inside am a romantic man and if I ever get married, I wanna feel the way about them, that i feel right now when I look at your stupidly beautiful, little face.“

Elio wants to suppress the smile that comes naturally in response to those words but he knows he‘s failing, so he hides his face in his hands for a moment.

„What are you doing, Silly ?,“
Oliver asks amusement evident in his voice again, which makes Elio happy.

„Nothing,“ he replies and takes the hands down when he’s sure he isn’t tomato red anymore and before his next question comes bubbling out,

„So what does Graham has to say about all of this ?“

„Jonathan -,“ of course, Oliver doesn’t miss a beat,

„ - said it was freeing for him to cut ties with his family and friends who didn’t support him. He has new friends now, a lot of them from the community and of course at his workplace, no one knows.“

„So you wanna tell them ?“ Elio raises his brows.

„that was always the plan, eventually. But I’m thinking, I’ll start with my closest friends. See how that goes.
And then, I was thinking of spending summer break in Italy again. I think it’s safe to say, you‘ll start at Juilliard for the fall semester right ? So come September, we‘ll see each other all the time.“

Elio smiles, he feels so relieved hearing these words. Picturing a summer with his boyfriend in Italy followed by a move to the states where he‘d hopefully be studying at his dream university, so close to Oliver’s apartment, it all sounds like a dream.

„What about the neighbors?,“ he asks, remembering the concerns Oliver had brought up before.

The tall man shrugs dismissively,

„Fuck the neighbors. Besides, you could totally pass as my cousin. They rarely look alike,“ he grins.

Elio chuckles, „have you met my cousins ?

„Actually I have, two of them, remember? And yes, they might share your dark curls with you but that’s about it.“

„Aunt Claire always says we all look like triplets.“

„they wish,“ Oliver remarks matter of factly.

They gaze at each other then.

„so … Oliver ?,“ Elio asks, leaning against the headboard.

„Yeah ?“

„you think we can have both, this kind of love and happiness ?
We‘re not asking for too much, right ?“

Another pause.

„Honestly, I don’t know, kid. This is new for me too but I certainly hope so,
I’m betting on it, literally.“

„Yeah it’s just that in the books, it’s like the amount of love almost directly correlates with the type of fate the characters meet; the grander the love the worse it gets.“

„Well, lucky for us this isn’t a book then,
it’s our story and we‘re the ones writing it.“

„Sometimes it doesn’t feel like it though,“

„I know, baby. It’s not particularly known for its fairness, this world we live in.
But I got to say, in moments like this, when I have you here with me, in my own bed where I spend so many nights -,“ Oliver doesn’t finish the sentence, but Elio can see the spark of pain in his lovers eyes.

„Let’s just say I’m pretty darn happy to have you here right now.“ the tall man finally says.

And Elio knows then, he feels the same way. The conversation has given him new hope, he trusts Oliver and he wants this to work out. There are other things he craves right now, that the words are out of the way but he‘s afraid the mood has changed.

„You hungry ?,“ his boyfriend asks, sitting up straight now, „aren’t we supposed to meet your father at the breakfast buffet ?“

Elio shrugs the comment off, he doesn’t wanna waist time with niceties right now, „yeah..I can always call him and say, we‘re busy.“

Oliver turns to look at him amused,
„Do I have a say in this ? Because I really think we should go, he is one of the few people, besides you, who I can be myself with. And I’d like to see him when he‘s in town.“

Elio frowns, he knows he does but can’t help it.

He can feel Oliver is ready to get out of bed and he doesn’t like it. Not yet.
But he doesn’t quite know what to say after Oliver’s statement and so he just reaches down in between his boyfriend‘s legs and rests his hand on the bulge like he did last summer at the Berm.

Oliver looks at him again, still seemingly amused, a sexy half smile on his handsome face.
Elio smirks back, feeling his boyfriend’s sex swell remarkably quick under his touch.

„correct me, if I’m wrong but I‘m fairly sure it is European standard to always be at least ten minutes late,“ Oliver speaks, voice low and suggestive.

Elio of course, more than agrees,
„It’s at least 15 minutes actually“

„Well then we'll better make them count,“

They meet each other half way, Oliver taking his face in both hands as Elio is leaning over,
pushing his whole body into a kiss, that sets his belly on fire.

Chapter Text

Elio,

I found your father’s address in Oliver’s booklet yesterday when I was at his place to talk and, even though you and I, don’t know each other, I decided to write to tell you a few things about the man, we both claim to love. I hope that is okay.

He doesn’t know I am doing this as you can imagine.
I have to say, I was shocked when he told me he had fallen in love with a boy from Italy and that was the reason we couldn’t get married and built the family we both always dreamed of. I’m still shaken, still hurt, heartbroken even, but I won’t make this about me right now, because it isn’t.

I’m writing this letter for him as well as for your sake because I’m afraid there are certain things, Oliver can’t really see clearly about himself currently.

We have known each other for a very long time and so I do think I know him very well and can speak to his state of mind.

While I can clearly see that he thinks he‘s head over heels for you (which hurts me to say, as you can imagine, because I know he‘s trying to spare my feelings when he talks about you and hasn’t said much at all but i told you, i know him and something tells me he has never felt this way about me),
However, there is another side to him that he‘s suppressing entirely.

And that is, that Oliver always, always wanted to have kids. In fact we used to talk about our kids names and how many as soon as our third date, before we were even really serious about seeing each other.
I’m sure he hasn’t told you this or downplayed his own longing for a functional, loving family because the one he is from, wasn’t able to give him that unconditional love every child deserves and he wants to make it better someday.
That’s one of the reasons I fell in love with him…for the kind of a father he wants to be someday.

I’m telling you this instead of him because he doesn’t want to hear it right now, even though it is true and it will catch up with him eventually. You cannot simply ignore the desire to have your own children.

Oliver has a habit of avoiding uncomfortable conversations as long as humanly possible if not altogether and he seems so afraid of hurting you, that I wouldn’t be surprised if he never brought it up.

But Elio, my intention with this letter is not to hurt you or spread hatred against same sex relationships (that is not the type of person I am), it is to protect all the hearts involved in this mess.

He told me your age.
I have to admit, i wasn’t prepared for that.

Is this what you want ?
Do you know his parents are still inviting me for Sunday mornings brunches all the time ? They think it‘ll just be a matter of time until we‘re back together again, like always. I know he is determined right now to tell them and to break contact if he must, but again, is this what you want for him ?

I don’t see myself in competition with you because we‘re offering completely different things. But if you do truly love him, as much as I do, wouldn’t you agree that he deserves the life he has always wanted for himself, ever since his teenage years ? Wouldn’t you agree that he would make a phenomenal father one day ? One that is truly capable of unconditionally loving his children, perhaps even more so now, because of whatever experiences you shared ? That kind of love could break these generational curses of narrow mindedness and bigotry… so that, maybe next generation, compromises like this won‘t be necessary any longer.
Wouldn’t that be worth something?

Don’t get me wrong, this is a compromise for me too! I wouldn’t have chosen to be in love with a man who can never honestly tell me, I am the one for him.
I‘m not a fool…
But I will do what is necessary because I believe it is the right thing to do.

He cannot see clearly right now, his judgment is clouded by the feelings he has for you but Elio, you and I, we can make this right again. If you truly love him, please, just let him go.
I promise, I’ll take good care of him for the both of us and I’ll do anything in my power to give him the life he always wanted and deserves to have.

I hope everything I’ve said in here,
Will stay between us.

I don’t know you but I believe, if Oliver loves you this much, you must be pretty remarkable. That is why I felt comfortable enough to even write this letter.

Take care Elio,
I’m sorry it had to come to this.

Micol

Chapter Text

I don’t know what to do!!

Ever since I received Micole‘s letter yesterday , the words just seem stuck in my brain. Should I tell him ??

Oliver said, we are writing our own story but I don’t wanna be the villain in his!!
I couldn’t live with myself !!
I don’t want to mess up his future!!

Part of me just wants to be selfish and take everything he‘s offering with me without questioning its longevity.

I want to say, go ahead, break up with your family and friends for me, who is thinking about having kids right now ?? certainly not me, so you shouldn’t be either…

But as much as we‘re the same, our differences shape us equally as much.

Parce qu‘il est lui…

I don’t wanna think about that now.

Not now, when I was finally happy again, feeling good about how things were progressing.

Not now, we’ll save the sorrow for later.

Later.

I‘ve heard that before.

But ‚later’ has the tendency to always catch up with us eventually, doesn’t it ?

I cannot get through that pain again.

Later, I can‘t give him what he apparently always wanted either, a complete family !
No amount of time will change that, I don’t even know if i want that for myself someday…

What will change though, is his relationship to his family and friends if he tells them. He wants to tell his pals next week.
So far only Micol knows and she would keep it to herself for her own sake.

I want to be with him so much and it feels so right when Iam, why the hell is this so complicated?? I think I could make him happy, kids or not. Am I wrong ?

How is this something I need to think about at 18 years old ?! That’s what he meant when he said, he didn’t want to burden me with it all. Well it’s too late for that, I was burdened the moment he stepped out of that taxi last summer. No ! Even earlier, the moment I saw his picture the winter before on the application to be this last year‘s summer guest.

The worst thing is, i can not bring myself to wish I never met him. No matter how much it hurts that there always seem to be these barriers between us, no matter the suffering that knowing him brought me, just a moment of laughter with him and it’s all worth it - in an instant , it’s all worth it and I know I’d still feel that way even if it didn’t work out.

My brain hurts from thinking about this all day. Good thing there is this party tonight at Luc‘s.

I need the distraction.

Chapter Text

E: Pronto

O: pronto yourself

E: oh hey, it’s you

O: yeah it’s me. Did you catch up on some sleep ? Your dad told me yesterday when I called you‘d gone to bed early

E: yeah yeah …I was at that house party over the weekend so I was still tired I guess

O: and you’re better now ?

E: I’m better now.

O: anything exciting happen at that party ?

E: nah not really. Just a lot of drinking, smoking, people hooking up, the usual…

O: I see. Anybody try their luck with you ?

E: believe it or not, but not everyone thinks I’m the best thing since sliced bread so no, not that it would have made a difference, you know ?

O: I know, I know…just making conversation.
(Exhales deeply)

God, I miss you. And it has only been three weeks. I’m gonna be so Elio deprived when I show up in summer, that I’m afraid I won’t even have the decency to chitchat with your parents or brag in front of mafalda how much my Italien has improved, before I lock myself in the bedroom with you, not leaving for three days straight, making you cum in every position I can possibly think of.

E: Jesus (chuckles nervously)

O: too much ? did you just blush ? I bet you did.

E: you‘ll never know

O: man, I’m crazy about you

E: (sighs heavily)

O: you okay ?

E: yeah…it’s just…I don’t know, maybe I’m still tired. I’m sorry

O: nothing to be sorry for. Is it okay if we talk a bit longer though ?

E: yeah…just not sure if I’m gonna come up with a lot to say tonight, feeling kind of blank

O: you’re sure you’re okay though ?

E: yeah, yeah

O: okay. You know, I don’t just miss your body of course, I miss cooking for you in the mornings and at night, I miss watching you across the room when I’m reading my paper and you pretending to be thinking, I miss just having you in my space and waking up next to your wild,curly head. But most of all I think I miss just kissing you for hours, your lips were made for me to kiss them. I know they say eyes are the windows to the soul but I think your lips might be the gateway through which ours connect.

E: Oliver i..(lets out a long, drawn out breath).. why do you have to say these perfect things about me when I don’t know ..

O: when you don’t know what ?

It’s okay, whatever it is, just tell me.

E: when i don’t know if I can give you what you want

Pause

O: and what do I want Elio ?

E: babies !

O: (chuckles) well if you’re unsure about if you can give me babies or not, I guess we have a much larger problem to consider.

E: haha I’m serious , I know you always wanted them and I don’t want you to hate me one day because I couldn’t -

O: - Elio that’s nonsense. I could never hate you, you’re everything to me.
This doesn’t seem like it’s coming from you either. You seemed fine the last time we talked about this. Remember, we have a plan ? I already told Micol about you last week and …. Wait a minute , did she reach out to you ?

E: well, don’t be mad I didn’t tell you but she wrote me this letter about you, deserving to be a father and if I loved you, I’d let you go and stuff like that …it played into my fears and I didn’t know how to -

O: don’t apologize, this is her not you. She had no right to do this.

E: I don’t know, I think she meant well.
She says she loves you and that you talked about your kids names at the third date already…

O: I know what I said. That was all years ago though and most importantly, it was before I met you ! I didn’t fully know who I was back then. Yes, I always thought I was gonna have children, I also always thought my life would be predictable and average but i guess, god had other plans for me.
And when I say other plans, I mean you.

Wanting children was primarily important to me, because I wanted to be part of something more honest, more loving than the family i grew up with. Call me crazy but I think I found that, not only in you but in your parents as well and i couldn’t feel more humbled that they would think of me as good enough to be the man by your side. I’m not saying that I wouldn’t want children maybe sometime in the future but they are not necessary to make my life a meaningful one, you are.

E: I…I don’t know what to say

O: well that’s a first.
Just…no more secrets, no more holding back. I hate to think you‘ve been running around with these thoughts in your heads since ..?

E: 4 days ..

O: 4 days..Jesus, kid. I’m so sorry. I’m gonna talk to her about what she did.

E: no, don’t. she’s just hurting…I ..i can’t imagine being in her position, if I lost you to her I …

O: that was never gonna happen. I told you, I’m crazy about you.

E: that’s right, you did. By the way, did I tell you I finally have a landline up in my room now, so we have a little bit more privacy?

O: mhmm, is there a specific reason you‘re bringing that up right now ?

E: just thought you should know.

O: are you saying, what I think you’re saying ?

E: mhmm I don’t know, you’re thinking about my mouth by any chance ?

O: well ain’t I always (chuckles low)

E: where do you want it most ?

O: I’d want to kiss you first , hold your face in my hands and kiss those lips until they’re all red and a bit swollen. I‘ll bite them as well…

E: I know you like to bite

O: mhmm I do. Do you mind ?

E: I fucking Love it. Keep going. I’m naked and so turned on.

O: not waisting any time huh?

E: Oliver…stop teasing, keep at it

O: so impatient… okay okay .. so when I’m done kissing you, I’ll move on to lick your nipples, I’ll suck them as well and with my hand I touch you the way you like it

E: yeah you are

O: are you touching yourself the way I do ? The way i know you like it ?

E: yeah … yeah I am …

O: start slow baby , tight and slow…
I kiss and bite your neck, remember when I left these marks last time ? Good thing you wore a scarf when we met with your father, or else he would have seen but I just couldn’t help myself

E: you know, as much as i don’t wanna think of my father right now, i really don’t mind showing off the marks you leave on my skin. Like they‘re all gone now and o hate it..

O: I will have to leave some new ones then

E: yeah you‘ll have to. What else are you gonna do to me ?

O: I’ll put my fingers in your mouth for you to lick and suck

E: mhmm

O: I’ll put them inside of you then. Can you do this for me now?

E: already am … can I go quicker now ? Feels so good.

O: look at you, asking for permission. God, that’s hot. Yes you can.

E: (panting) your voice..keep talking please

O: I’ll kiss you everywhere, your bellybutton, your hips, in between your legs…then I’ll move to where my fingers are and kiss you there..how i love kissing you there

E: oh my good Oliver I’m gonna cum, call me by your name !

O: Oliver, Oliver, Oliver.. come for me

E: Elio, Elioo , Elioo (breathes heavily, comes)

O: damn , you should hear yourself … you need a minute baby ?

E: (still breathing deeply) no .. no I’m here for you.

O: you know, you don’t have to -

E: shut up, I want to.

O: well if you insist

E: I’ll go down on you first, let you use my mouth the way you want to

O: can I pull your hair a bit ?

E: you know you can

O: fuck that’s right, cause you’re mine, but I like to ask

E: yeah I’m yours, that’s why I let you fuck my mouth

O: Jesus kid

E: then when you’re as wet and as hard as it gets, I’ll climb you and I’ll ride you, I’m really really tight just for you

O: (panting) and I’m really really close, just for you

E: i know. And I’ll keep riding you and letting you play with my nipples because I know you like that and when I’m getting a bit tired, I’ll lean down and whisper in your ear, fuck me Elio and you‘ll turn us around and I don’t want you to hold back anything. Fuck me hard and fuck me deep because that’s where you belong…

O: oh fuck. Jesus. Fuck. (Comes)

E: Good ?

O: let’s just say you know what you’re doing there. Now I need to get another shower before I’m meeting Mark and Gary , probably my oldest friends,for dinner

E: oh… is today the day you wanted to tell them ?

O: there really isn’t any reason to put it off any longer.

E: will you let me know how it went ?

O: I’ll call tomorrow. Same time ?

E: yeah that works. Are you nervous at all ?

O: a little bit. Yes. But the outcome doesn’t matter, I cannot control what they‘ll think. What’s important is being honest about who I am. They either wanna stick around for that or they don’t.

E: I’ll be sticking around

O: (chuckles) goose, I know you are.
That’s the whole point.

E: you know, I should really shower as well but I am way too tired right now.

O: good thing you’re already in bed then.
I’d stay on the phone and read to you until you dozed off but I really have to get going.

E: let’s do that tomorrow then.
I want you to read Paul Celan to me.

O: it’s a date. Now sleep tight my love

E: I love you Oliver and I’m so relieved about the baby thing

O: don’t remind me, I’m still pissed at Micol about that. But we won’t talk about that right now. I love you too. Talk to you tomorrow

E: yeah tomorrow

Chapter Text

E: Marzia ? Is that you ?

M: Elio ! How are you ? You don’t sound so good

E: Yeah im not doing so great right now

M: Is this about Oliver ?

E: Is it that obvious ?

M: Well, when you sound this upset, it’s mostly about him, isn’t it ?

E: Mhmm

M : So what happened ? I thought after your visit to New York, everything was going well

E: I thought so too. He even wanted to tell his friends about us the other night

M: But he didn’t ?

E: Yeah, that’s right. But I can’t even be angry at him for that because I totally get it.
His father showed up unexpectedly and invited himself for dinner and Marzia, Oliver is so convinced his parents wouldn’t even speak to him anymore if they knew, so how can I fault him for putting it off ? Like, who am I to tell him if he’s ready to come out or not.

M: But you’re disappointed, no ?

E: Yes, of course I am, like, he sounded so confident in his decision before. I trust him Marzia, I really do and I’d be ready to face the adversity of his people not being for us or even general homophobia but I don’t know if I can bear the thought, that he himself isn’t 100% in on us. It is just so confusing because whenever we are together, it truly feels like he is. But then again, its only just us two then. When we are not together he is still performing this balancing act of juggling all the expectations placed upon him and truthfully, I don’t know if he is ever gonna be willing to break out of this perfectly crafted image he has.
I know he loves me, I know I love him, but what I don’t know is, that I am willing to be his dirty little secret for an undefined amount of time.
It doesn’t make me feel great about myself, you know…

M: Elio, I am so sorry ! Of course, you don’t deserve to feel that way.
You are one of the most amazing guys I know and I love you, you know that.

E: I know Marzia. I love you too, you are the only one I feel comfortable with, talking about this right now. So I’m asking for your advice.

M: Elio, don’t get me wrong. I think it is wonderful that you feel for Oliver too, that you are compassionate and capable of seeing his side of things, he can’t have it easy from what you’ve been telling me.
But as your friend, I am worried about you and what it will do to you, if he doesn’t come out to his family and friends in the near future. You deserve to feel like the person you’re being with, is proud of being with you and stands up for you!

E: Yeah…thank you Marzia, that means a lot.
I think I deserve that too and like I said, when it’s just us, he makes me feel like the most cherished person on earth. The thing we have, I don’t wanna be unnecessarily poetic, but it’s the type of stuff people write whole novels about, you know ? That, once in a lifetime, if you’re lucky kind of stuff and so, I don’t know if I can or should give up on that even with things being how they are.

M: I understand Elio. But I don’t think it’s giving up if Oliver isn’t being open about who he is with the people that matter.
A relationship takes two people to make it work. Maybe he just needs more time but I don’t think he can expect to string you along for that.

E: But he doesn’t ! I knew what I was getting into and I told him it didn’t matter to me.

M: Yes, but that has changed, hasn’t it ?
And he knows this too.

E: He felt terrible about not having told his friends…it’s not like he isn’t validating my feelings about it. And like I said, I understand, his father was there, I don’t think I would have had the guts to do it myself under those conditions.

M: Elio…In the end, you are gonna do what you’re gonna do but you asked for my advice and i gave it to you. I don’t want to see you having to hide anymore of who you are. Not even for the Shakespearean kind of Love you and Oliver might have.

E: Mhmm thank you, I don’t know. I‘ll have to think about it…and talk to him again but I don’t want it to come off as an ultimatum.

M: You just tell him that you thought, going into this, you could handle him being closeted in front of friends and family but now that you’ve been in it for a while, you realized it takes away from your own ability to be yourself truly and you aren’t willing to live like that.

E: Mhmm, I guess that is pretty accurate.

M: And who knows ? maybe that will make him realize for himself as well, that he can’t keep going like this.

E: Mhmm okay , I’ll talk to him. Actually I think I’ll do it right now after we‘ve hung up.

M: Alright , take care and call me after if you need to, okay ?

E: Yes sure, thanks Marzia, love you

M: Love you, bye

Chapter Text

Call connecting …

O: yes ?

E: it’s me

O: hey you… I thought you might be asleep already. I was gonna call you tomorrow.

E: yeah.. I’m not sleeping. Are you free to talk right now ?

O: I was gonna head out to meet with Jonathan and some of his friends but they can wait a bit. I wanted to tell you something actually, so I’m glad you’re still awake and decided to call.

E: oh.. i wanted to tell you something as well but…you go first

O: yes, I think it might change the way you feel. Okay, since my father was still in the city I met up with him for lunch today and I told him why I really broke it off with Micol.

E: what ? Really ?? What did he say ??

O: (sighs) he‘s a jerk Elio. It doesn’t matter what he said, it wasn’t very nice but the point is, it’s out now and I don’t have to be afraid of them finding out somehow anymore or dread the consequences…

E: so…you told him about me ?

O: well, I didn’t mention your name, simply because I don’t want to give him a target or someone else to blaim but me. He’s very well connected and I know, your father is as well but I wouldn’t put it past my family to try and meddle with you, being able to come to New York as if this would somehow revert my feelings for you.
I told him, I’m gonna be with another man, who makes me really happy…and that I don’t need his approval but I wanted him to know. After that, it was hard to get another word in honestly. I had to leave in the middle of lunch, he was getting nasty and unreasonable cruel in his rhetoric and that’s when I realized, this was all him. It had nothing to do with me.

E: are you okay though ?

O: I will be. And honestly, I think I’m better than before I told him. I can either spend my life in fear and ignorance, pretending to be someone, they would somewhat accept, or I could take your hand, that you’ve been holding out for me, ever so courageously, the whole time without ever retrieving, despite my hesitations and take the leap into a life that calls me in my heart of hearts.

E: you have no idea how happy I am to hear all that! Honestly, I thought I had to break it off because I couldn’t …

O: I know. It’s okay. I wouldn’t have let that happen. I’m sorry it took me a while to get here, but I’m here now and I couldn’t have done it without you.

E: me ? I didn’t do anything though.

O: well that’s a lie and we both know it

E: fuck your dad ! Can I say that ?

O: you can

E: fuck him for making you feel less than … you are the single greatest thing he‘s ever achieved in his pretentious life and if he cannot see that than good riddance.

O: there’s my feisty boy, thanks baby, I appreciate the support

E: what about your mother and your siblings ?

O: well, he is gonna tell them and is probably gonna forbid them to ever talk to me again or like he phrased it, as long as I am choosing to be an disgusting faggot and thus embarrassment for the whole family.

E: asshole ! Do you think they’ll obey him ?

O: they probably will. It’s always been that way. He says something and it goes.
Bubbe was the only one who would challenge him sometimes on his bullshit.
My mother would never disagree with him. I feel sorry for her, I think she only truly will be free once he’s gone.

E: that’s terrible. My parents disagree all the time, on the small stuff anyways. But it’s never a big deal.

O: yeah, that’s because they have a healthy relationship and also, Samuel just loves a good debate

E: right, sometimes I think otherwise he‘d be bored.

O: are you feeling better now ?

E: so much

O: is there something else, you wanted to talk about cause otherwise I think I’d need to get going.

E: no, no, you go. I just wish I’d be there. Especially tonight after what you had to go through.

O: I’d never make it out the door if you were here baby

E: (chuckles) why not ?

O: don’t play coy, you know why

E: yeah I know but at some point, when we have more time, I’d like to go out together, meet Jonathan and the guys …

O: of course ! We will ! They are gonna love you, I’m sure. How could they not ?

E: and here we go again. Like I said before, not everyone sees me the way you do.

O: morons

E: (chuckles) okay, okay, enough. You can go, have fun now just don’t do anything I wouldn’t

O: (chuckles) oh yeah ? And what would that be ?

E: well they can only look, not touch

O: I’ll be sure to let them know.

E: you do that

O: anything else ?

E: no, I don’t think so. Except, I love you

O: and I worship you my love, sleep tight.
Call me tomorrow, will ya ?

E: yes

O: good. Later

Chapter Text

Finally, finally it is summer again.

Not only summer, but summer break and for Elio, that means only one thing, Oliver is coming home.
Not home in the literal sense, but home in as where it all began. Home to him.

Elio’s tummy has been making weird noises all day, probably just protesting his inability to properly nourish himself.
He hasn’t eaten much today, he’s just too nervous in a good way that is.

He can’t remember last time he has been so giddy, he doesn’t even care that his parents exchange amused, knowing glances all day long,
It is a good thing everybody knows now.

When the car finally arrives at the estate, Anchise in the driver’s seat and Oliver in the back. The old man had refused to take Elio with him for the pick up. Too much nervous energy, he’d insisted and Elio hadn’t minded. He didn’t know if he would have been able not to throw himself into Oliver’s arms right away and once in his arms, it was so easy to get carried away doing other things..so he thought it might be safer to meet where there were no rules against kissing in the open.

Oliver steps out, in his dark green shirt, cargo pants and espadrilles. Looking like his usual , put together, American self on holiday.

Samuel and Annella get up to greet il cowboy but of course Elio is already there first,
Feeling weirdly shy, his heart beating out of his chest, standing in front of his handsome boyfriend.

He is very well aware everyone is looking at them, a quick glance back and he even sees Mafalda standing right in front of the window, observing their reunion.

„Hi,“ Oliver summons his attention back to where it matters, there is tenderness in the blue of his eyes and a timid smile displaying on his face.

Elio bites down on his bottom lip, he has pink cheeks too, he knows it. Its like they don’t know the protocol for how to greet each other in font of family, being officially boyfriends now, one of them having called off his engagement for the other.

Oliver chuckles looking at him, almost silently and then pulls him in, large hand at the small of his back, nose buried in his hair.

Elio smiles now too, listening to the taller man’s heartbeat that is as strong and fast as his own.

It feels like there is telepathy between their hearts, always but especially when they are as close as they are now.

How to greet your boyfriend after not having seen him for three whole months, in front of family or not, there suddenly only seems to be one right way to do it.
So Elio pulls back just enough to look up and feels the hand, he never wants to leave his body, cup his neck and then, olivers lips are on his.
They are both smiling into the kiss, it is soft, almost chaste with only a hint of tongue brushing elios bottom lip but its fireworks nevertheless.

He breathes out as they seperate, and steps aside to make room for the others, coming to hug and welcome his tall boyfriend.

„Oliver, it is so good to have you back here,“ his mother says, kissing him on the cheek.

„I have your book here and you must sign it,“ Samuel smiled when taking the blonde man into his arms.

„Of course. Couldn’t have done it without you,“ Oliver replies, his face open and Elio could have sworn, there was a soft redness on the tall man’s cheeks.

„Signore Ulliva,“ Mafalda had left the kitchen to come greet him as well, „I made your favorite dinner,“ she added in Italian, which Oliver was able to understand.

„Thank you, that’s so kind,“ Oliver puts a hand to his heart to express his gratitude, then take a quick glance at his watch.

Elio knows what he is thinking, they need time alone after so many months apart and luckily it is only 4 o clock , so they can get away with
Resting until dinnertime without offending Mafalda.

„I got your suitcase,“ Elio speaks hastily and lifts it off the gravel, already making his way inside.

Oliver doesn’t follow immediately, Elio hears him say something to his father and both men laugh but he doesn’t have the patience to stay and listen.

He’s almost up the whole staircase when he hears Oliver follow after him, running up the stairs, hugging him tightly from behind when he reaches him, taking the suitcase away from him, „give me that,“ he says, nudging him forward in his, their room and letting the luggage fall to the floor as soon as they enter.

„Fucking finally,“ the tall man mumbles, kissing the side of his neck, holding tight onto his hips still,
„I swear, one more day without you and I would have gone mad,“ he smiles and bites the boy’s shoulder.

Elio knows what he means, he felt the same way. Even knowing that all was well and that they loved each other only did so much as to ease the pain of being physically apart, a whole ocean in between them.

He turns around in his boyfriend’s, strong arms and interlaces his fingers behind his neck, pushing himself up on his toes to do so.

„please,“ he says, almost sounding delirious in his own ears, locking eyes with the other man, „I want you so bad,“ he doesn’t care how it sounds, it simply has been too long since feeling Oliver inside of him.

„I got you,“ his boyfriend replies, voice heavy and kisses him deeply this time, pressing their bodies together while slowly moving in the direction of the bed.

„But first,“ he says when they have fallen onto the bedding, entangled limbs, lips still so close to each others, Elio can feel every breath of Oliver’s, he loves the taste of his kisses as much as he loves the sensation, it really should be forbidden to kiss like that, „but first, let me just do this for a while, yeah ?,“ Oliver asks with a small smile and kisses him again.

„I told you i wanted to kiss your pretty mouth for hours and i really would like to take my time with you,“ he proposes, caressing Elio’s lower lip with his thumb and staring at him so intensely, his knees would give in right under him, if they were still standing upright, which thankfully they are not.

Rolling his eyes, catching his breath, Elio playfully remarks, „do what you must but we’re not leaving this room until you‘ve fucked me, I hope that much is clear,“ to give his words more weight, he reaches down between Oliver’s thighs, wrapping around his hardness.

„Demanding little thing,“ Oliver responds, half smiling, swelling under his touch and leaning down again to keep kissing him.

Half an hour later they are still doing just that , Elio’s face cradled between Oliver’s elbows, both of their lips red and swollen from soft bites in between kisses, Oliver’s tongue caressing his at times gently and loving, others more insistent and bold.

Elio feels like he‘s going half mad with desire, as much as he enjoys the arousal building and building in his lower belly, he almost can’t contain his burning need for the other man anymore. For some reason he doesn’t want to be the first one to voice that though, so he just keeps kissing back, opening his legs a bit wider and cheekily rubbing himself on the taller man’s torso.

Damn that feels good, he hears himself moan into Oliver’s mouth.

„Fuck,“ Oliver draws back slightly, his breathing labored, his eyes clouded, serious with desire,
„The noises you make.“

„What are you gonna do about it ?“

„I‘ll show you what I’m gonna do about it,“ Oliver chuckles softly while pushing Elio’s pants down and then getting rid of his own quickly. He bends down again, sucking at the hollow of his throat, pushing in at the same time.

Elio puts his feet flat on the bed, making more room, enjoying the lustful movements of the taller man inside of him, they both moan and Elio takes Oliver’s face in his hands while he moves on top of him, „I’m yours, completely, you own my heart and body Oliver, understand ?“ the words are just spilling out of his soul, he feels so connected, he could die and wouldn’t mind.

The taller man looks at him, still moving above him, another moan escaping his lips, „you‘re everything to me, I’ll cherish you forever.“

They kiss again, tongues deeply entangled, mirroring the rest of their bodies.

After minutes of this, Elio breaks the kiss,
„Turn us around, I want to be on top when I finish.“

Oliver manhandles him until he‘s sitting on his lap, one thigh to either side of the taller man’s hips, their chests pressed together. Somehow he didn’t leave Elio‘s body while doing so.

„Like this ?“

„Yeah, like this,“ Elio breathes back, he is close without even touching himself.

„Any more requests ?,“ Oliver asks, sucking on his neck and biting down to his collarbone.

„Don’t finish yet. I’ll go first, then you can Come on my face please.“

„your wish is my command.“

And that is exactly what they do then.

Afterwards, they take a shower together and then slowly get ready for dinner with the family.

Elio feels so happy, he could jump up and down like he did when he was a little kid.
Oliver takes his hand when they are walking down the stairs into the yard where Mafalda has already set up the table and before letting go, brings the back of his palm to his lips for a soft peck.

Elio knows it’s not a big deal, they are a couple after all, that’s what couples do but he knows it’s a big thing for Oliver, who never had the freedom to let loose like that. And he loves that, around his family, his boyfriend feels comfortable enough to do so.

„after dinner,“ Samuel puts a hand on Oliver’s shoulder as they are sitting down,
„I want to show you some of the new Polaroids I received, all of Hellenistic statues.“

Elio rolls his eyes.

„Sure, pro, I’d love to see them,“ Oliver replies and tousles Elio‘s hair in response to his eye roll, „behave.“

Chapter Text

When Elio had moved to New York, he was convinced that his relationship with Oliver was more stable than ever, had the strongest of foundations after having made it long distance for all these past months and then spending the summer of his dreams together in Italy.
Nobody could have prepared him for the challenges that would arise and the threat they would entail for their bond.

He’d moved into his dorm and started studying at Juillard in late August while Oliver resumed his teaching position at Columbia and the first cracks in the smooth sailing existence, he had imagined for them started showing up pretty much right away - they simply didn’t have much time for one another.
Between getting on a new schedule, getting to know new people and the cultural difference between Europe and America, Elio felt overwhelmed and although he was catching up quickly, it felt like he constantly had a lot on his plate. That, together with the fact that the dorm and Oliver’s apartment weren’t as close to each other as he’d liked to, which meant they could only see each other on the weekends and because they still had to be careful who saw them together and when, the secrecy of it became another thing to juggle on Elio’s already overflowing timetable.

He was annoyed by the fact that Oliver wanted him to socialize with his peers and go out on the weekends, when that should have been their time only,
And he felt he was perfectly capable of making such decisions on his own.
It reminded him of his parents, always having been worried he was isolating himself too much, only living in his inner world instead of engaging with the people around.

After the third discussion they had about that, he couldn’t resist the old insecurities of inferiority creeping back in, into his mind and he began wondering, if Oliver only was so insistent on Elio having a social life of his own, because the older man wanted the same for himself.
Whenever Elio complied with his suggestion and went out with some of his new friends at Juillard, he came to learn after that, most of those times, Oliver had spend them with Jonathan and his friends. He wouldn’t have admitted it to his man because he knew, that those guys were helping him to accept himself and to find his place in the society they were born into but there was still this little thorn of doubt and jealousy, mainly stemming from his fear of not being good enough, not being worth it after all, for Oliver to realize he had made a mistake in giving up his former life for him…or perhaps, he had just been Oliver’s gay wake up call, saving him from a life, entangled in the webs of the wrong sexuality. And now, that he’d found his crowd, what if he met someone more fitting than Elio ?
Someone who was less needy, had a similar upbringing so they could relate to him better, someone with more muscle tone on their body and maybe even had cute, little dimples ? In essence, someone like Jonathan.

Elio thought he’d learnt his lesson when it came to open communication but somehow he felt there wasn’t enough time to address all of that in the limited hours they had on weekend nights and to be fair, he much preferred to push it all away while Oliver was pushing into his body and making him feel so good it was hard to even remember his own name.

However, someday in early November after two an a half months of dancing around all of this, he felt the distance creeping into the one aspect of their relationship that had never needed fixing, which was a clear sign that something was off.

It wasn’t even Oliver, it was himself which somehow made it worse.

They were having sex, Elio on top of Oliver, both hands in the middle of his sternum, supporting his body weight, taking his pleasure by moving his hips in a sinfully delicious way, his eyes pressed shut to concentrate on that building swirling sensation he so desperately needed right now.

„Elio,“ he’d heard Oliver speak in a strained voice, „Elio, look at me.“

And he opened his eyes and tried, he really did but it was too much.
The intimacy he found in the eyes that usually always mirrored his own devotion, irritated him, it didn’t feel right with the way he’d been hiding parts of himself internally and he couldn’t allow Oliver to see all of that, he didn’t want to…

So he closed them again and shook his head slightly, focussing his attention back to the way it felt, skin on skin, sweat pearls dropping, up and down, pleasure bundling up inside of him.

„baby,“ Oliver tried again, a hand palming his face, softy caressing but Elio didn’t want any of that. He felt his brows furrowing as the flame inside was getting smaller instead of consuming him alive like it usually did and he heard himself curse under his breath in Italian, like he did, when he wasn’t thinking straight.

When he opened his eyes, he saw the concern in Oliver’s and that made him angry. Couldn’t they simply have mind blowing sex as per usual without it being a flawed translation of his internal struggle right now ?
He was so annoyed by the fact that Oliver was constantly worrying about him, like he was a little child, even now while they were having sex and it all just made him feel more and more inferior, like Oliver would eventually get tired of this and get himself a man who he didn’t need to take care of.

„I changed my mind,“ Elio said then, quickly, before Oliver could speak and ask him questions about what’s wrong. He got up, started stroking himself, to keep up at least part of the momentum, „I’m gonna fuck you instead. Turn around.“

Oliver gave him a tentative look and for a moment it seemed like he wanted to say something but maybe was otherwise convinced, by the determination in Elio’s eyes and so he did as he was asked, prepping himself up on his forearms and lifting his apricot like ass slightly.

There was no more talking thereafter, Elio had taken his fingers to prepare the other man but in silence with only Oliver’s and his heavy breathing and later on the obscene noises of their flesh meeting each others filling the room.
At some point, Oliver had reached around for his hand and interlaced their fingers but Elio had to break them apart again, using that very hand of his to press his man down into the mattress, eyes still closed.
He knew Oliver could have easily shaken him off, if he wanted to but he didn’t, instead there was a total sense of submission and that was exactly what Elio needed in that moment.

Oliver had come first, which was a bit surprising for Elio because it usually happened the other way around but nevertheless he soon found his own body trembling, following the other over the edge.

When he was done, all soft again, he‘d fallen, belly first next to his love on the bedding, relishing in the post orgasmic haze, finally silence in his head.

The peace he felt though was only temporary, like everything else in this world and when he woke up several hours later after the fatigue must have taken him over into a deep and dreamless sleep earlier, he could tell by the look in Oliver‘s eyes that something was wrong.

„What happend ?,“ Elio asked his tall boyfriend, sitting next to him in bed, a book and several note pads in his lap.

„You passed out,“ he replied but his voice sounded burdened, not quite like himself.

„That’s not what I meant, what’s wrong ?“

„You tell me.“

„Nothing. I just was in the mood to fuck you, that’s all.“

„And you will never hear me complaining about that. You know what I’m talking about, you couldn’t even look at me.“

„You seemed to like it though,“ he tried to grin but was sure it was reading more like a grimace instead.

„not the point. If you wanna pretend everything is fine, go ahead but we both know it isn’t. You’re pulling back and have been for a while now. This was just the first time it came out in this way. You’re scaring me,“ Oliver said and put his book on the nightstand to his side. He turned towards Elio, looking at him expectantly.

„I‘m scaring myself.“

„I can’t fix it if I don’t know what it is Elio.“

„There,“ he said a bit to loud, lifting a finger to point at Oliver’s chest, „that’s what it is. You constantly feel like you have to fix something for me, take care of me, look out for me… make sure I have enough friends here, make sure I study enough, eat proper dinners…you know you’re not my father, Oliver!“

„If you are worried I might have parental feelings towards you, you are on the wrong track my friend. Not in the slightest.

„Then stop telling me what’s best for me, stop pushing me to socialize more and just tell me to my face, that you want to go and see Jonathan and his pals on the weekends when it’s supposed to be our time.“

Apparently they give you something I can’t, was the unsaid subtext he didn’t dare to speak out aloud because he was too afraid of that actually being confirmed by Oliver’s possible reaction or lack there of.

The other man’s face became his stoic, unreadable mask again but Elio knew by now that it was just his way of protecting himself from possibly getting hurt and it made him feel bad because he knew Oliver would take what he’d said to heart.
It was a fine line between voicing his own fears of abandonment without accusing the other of doing something wrong and evidently he had crossed it.

„I told you a million times, there is no one else. There will be no one else. I don’t know what else to do.. What else I can do…if you don’t want to believe me.“

Elio didn’t respond, just stared into his own lap.

„They are friends, you know them, they like you. I’d take you with me every single time but yes, I do think it is important for you to make friends here, that are there for you - “

„- in case you won’t be someday.“

„Sometimes I think you don’t want to understand me. You are young, you just started at that very prestigious school, you should be having the time of your life.
I just want to make sure, you’re not gonna regret anything later. Also, I love you but I want you to have people, other than me, that you can confide in, just you know, in case I piss you off or something.“

„like now you mean ?“

„yes, like now. Let’s just accept that this is gonna happen. There is gonna be fighting sometimes, that is only natural but I don’t want it to feel threatening to either of us every single time. Half of the time I’m not even sure what we’re fighting about or rather it feels like you’re still talking to that past version of me, who left you. He doesn’t even exist anymore. So, I’m telling you once again, and however much you need to hear it until it has sunken in, no, I won’t leave you, no, not ever, even if you piss me off and start accusing me of things so far out of my realm that it should make me angry.“
„Should ?“ Elio asked, his chest moving quickly.

“You’re right, they do. What is it you want Elio ? Should I not go and see my friends that have helped me cope with the situation as it is ? Or do you wanna stop seeing your friends, that you have been making since you’d gotten here ? Do as you please, honestly I will keep my mouth shut since I am not your father as you have very poignantly pointed out. But just know that everything I said, was because I thought It was not only the best for you but the best for us moving forward together.“

Elio was speechless for a minute. Everything Oliver had said, had sounded so logical and yet that little voice inside his own head was still questioning his motives. Why was it so hard to believe that he was in fact, everything Oliver wanted and needed and wouldn’t suddenly, out of the blue, stop being enough.
Part of him knew, that his experience must have traumatized him in that way but there had to be a path forward, that would help him trust in their present and future despite the past.

Perhaps that was even his strategy, pushing the other man away, stretching the rubber band just to determine when it would snap. Was that what he was doing ?

He looked at his watch, it was 4 pm on a Sunday, time to leave for him anyways and so he started to get all his things together, to go back to his dorm, take a shower and think…he needed space for that.

Oliver understood, of course he understood, which made the situation even worse because it made Elio feel even more irrational and childish for his accusations.
He also secretly wished the tall, blonde man wouldn’t have let him leave but he did, walking him to the door and when they stood right in front of it, Elio could tell Oliver wanted to touch him, kiss him like he usually did before they separated for the week again. Yet the tall man put his hands into his pockets while Elio was still fumbling with the strap of his backpack over his shoulder. „I’m gonna call you tomorrow,“ the boy said, voice small, gaze avoidant. „Please do.“ Pressing his lips together he had left then and the whole way home to his dorm, had replayed the conversation in his head, still having two conflicting sides within himself and trying to determine which one was to be trusted. Absent minded he walked into the living room area where Chris and Cat, two of his roommates were hanging out and was gonna go straight to his room when Cat turned around towards him, „Elio, there is someone here for you. He is waiting in the kitchen.“ He stopped in his tracks. Who could that be ? The only person he knew in this city other than the people studying at Juillard with him was Oliver and he couldn’t have possibly made it this fast. „Okay, thanks.“ He turned around and walked through the tiny hallway , making a turn to the left into the kitchen were he saw a very tall, very well dressed, grey haired man standing in front of the window, with his back to him. When he heard him enter, the man turned around though and without him saying a word, Elio knew who it was. Oliver’s father. „Elio Perlman ?“ „That’s me, yes.“ he straightened his shoulders even though he didn’t feel like it. „I take it you are the reason my son has decided to abandon all his values ?“ the tall, intimidating man asked with a deep voice that left no room for any favorable interpretation.

Chapter Text

Elio took a deep breath, why was it, that bad days had a tendency of getting worse by the minute?
Normally, he would have even appreciated the opportunity to tell that man what he thought of him and his narcissistic behavior but right now, he was just tired, his mind still racing and questioning himself.

„If you just came here to insult me, you’re waisting your time. What you think about me really isn’t relevant to me at all. So, unless you actually have something of substance to say, you know where the door is.“ he said, his heart racing even though he tried to be the perfect picture of indifference.

The tall, grey haired man raised his brows slightly, a tiny, ugly smirk lifting up the corner of his lips,

„When my son told me, he was seeing a man he met in Italy, I really pictured something totally different,“ he spoke, distaste in his voice, letting his eyes skim over Elio’s body,

„Micol warned me that you are young but my god…this really speaks to how confused he must have been when he met you.“

Elio furrowed his brows,
„I’m not gonna stand here and listen to your ramblings, I’m off ,“ he said turning around on his heels.

„you are not going to contact him ever again.“

He heard the other speak then, it was barely louder than a whisper yet the words were uttered sharply.

„Or what ?“ The boy asked, turning his head to look into the ice cold blue eyes that were still fixated on him.
„I am not afraid of you, there is nothing you can do to me.“

The other man held his gaze confidently,

„Maybe not to you, directly. But New York is smaller than you might think. I know a lot of people who will do as I ask of them and spreading unfavorable rumors is the smallest of favors to collect. You think my son will still have a job when it comes out he is sleeping with underaged boys ?“

Elio felt like he had just been smacked over the head, he froze,
„You wouldn’t do that. It’s your son.“

„I would and I will if you choose to ignore my fair warning.“

Elio shook his head in disbelief,
„Even if I stopped contacting him, he’d still come find me,“

„Please,“ the man said in a drawn out, condescending voice, „you’re an artist I heard. You‘ll come up with something or let’s say, someone, you‘ll be spending your precious time with instead. It just needs to be unmistakably the end. Did I make myself clear ?“

„What if I tell him everything you just threatened me with ?“

„You’re a smart kid, at least that’s the word on the streets. So I’m sure, you’ll figure out sooner or later that it’ll be inconsequential. Sure, you can go ahead and tell him and either watch him lose his standing and career because he’s too much of a coward to end it with you or he will break it off after an unnecessary internal struggle that you could just safe him from, if you were to accept my proposal.
Let’s be honest, mr. Perlman, we both know this wasn’t gonna last anyways.
You couldn’t possibly be thinking that you are a match for my son,“ he looked amused now,
„did you ? You are clearly just a boy, he is a real man or at minimum he passes as such, you were probably good fun for a while, at least that is what I have to assume even though after the little interaction i had with you so far, you just seem like a piece of work to me so he might as well have stayed with a woman to begin with. What I know is, you are a mistake he made, getting cold feet like so many men do before they choose to commit to one woman in their lives. But it’s over now. I have tolerated his indecisiveness for far too long now, breaking it off and getting back with poor Micol three times already before all of this.
I think I’ve made myself more than clear.
I’m sure we’ll never encounter each other again, so have a nice life Mr. Perlman.
Goodbye.“

Elio could do nothing but step aside as he watched the father of the one he loved, step outside the kitchen and then walk down the hallway to exit his dorm.
When he heard the door fall shut it was like his whole world, everything he had imagined for himself and his future, came crushing down once and for all, burying him and his hopes and there were no little strays of sunlight anymore shining through the debris of his heart.

Although he knew everything Oliver’s father had said was to hurt him, to deliberately drive a raft between him and his other half, it was also the first time someone had voiced his own fears and concerns out loud to him, making them seem even more real then before.

After a night of no sleep at all and no tears either, cause he was out of tears at that point, he still contemplated if he should tell Oliver or not. Was his father right ? Would the result eventually just be the same ?

But then again, he had hated it when Oliver had made the decision to separate on behalf of both of them, wanting the best for everyone involved, spearing Elio of the details. That was precisely what he was asked to do right now.
And even if he did break up with Oliver, Elio was fairly sure his boyfriend wouldn’t just go back to his ex fiancée. What if, instead he would fall into Jonathan‘s arms, they’d surely be there to catch him.

And then what ? He challenged the ghost of Oliver’s father in his head,

what are you gonna do then?

Jonathan surely, wouldn’t give up so easily, since Jonathan was a real man, whatever that was supposed to mean. Elio was so tired of his age being something that was being used against him, be it by himself or externally.

As much as he felt a sense of satisfaction, imagining Oliver’s father having to deal with his son‘s next boyfriend instead of him just going back to Micol like anticipated, he couldn’t bring himself to stomach the images this scenario brought up in his own mind.

So not telling him, wasn’t an option.
Telling him over the phone, wasn’t a real one either and so after school that day, he made his way over to Oliver’s apartment again, even though it was against their rules but what the heck, this was urgent.

7pm when he arrived, just having finished his second cigarette in a row, he couldn’t say he was surprised when the door opened and instead of Oliver looking at him with large eyes, it was Jonathan, a glass of whine in his hand.
Elio had half prepared himself for something like that, he knew Jonathan lived around the corner from his boyfriend and they sometimes hung out after work, yet it still stung, knowing he wasn’t allowed to do so for whatever reason Oliver had come up with at the time, mostly something related to him focussing on his studies during the week and spending time at his dorm like the other students.

But Jonathan was a grown up of course, who didn’t need to be told what to do.

„Oh, hi Elio, good to see you, “ he had the audacity of saying, smiling at him friendly, surprise evident in his voice, stepping to the side, letting him enter.

„Hey,“ Elio passed him by and went straight into the kitchen where he found Oliver reheating the chili they had had the day before.
For some reason it gave him satisfaction that at least, his boyfriend wasn’t cooking something from scratch for the other guy.

„Elio ?,“ Oliver turned to face him and immediately looked concerned, his cheeks seemed gaunt, his skin paler than the day before.

„I need to talk to you….alone.“ he added when he felt Jonathan’s presence in the kitchen with them.

„Of course. I’ll just take off,“ the dark haired man with the glasses and the cute dimples agreed immediately,
„Sorry I came by unannounced Oliver, I see you later,“ he said.

„Yeah sure. Wait, I’ll give you the book I was telling you about,“ Oliver remarked before Jonathan had left the room and then still looking concerned, walked by both of them into his bedroom, where he kept a lot of his reading material.

„Listen, Elio,“ Jonathan said quietly to him while they were listening to Oliver roaming around in the other room,

„I know you don’t like me very much.“

„I don’t know you,“ he shrugged, not in the mood to reassure Jonathan of something he didn’t feel.

„Fair enough. I just…wanted to say that..for what it’s worth…that man,“ he made a suddle movement with his eyes towards the bedroom,
„Only sees you. I know what I’m talking about, in all these months you weren’t here I’ve watched others try to get his attention time and time again
and he’s always polite of course, but I’ve never seen him one time ever, look at someone, the way he does at you…it’s some E.e.Cummings type of shit and frankly I am jealous,“ he smiled, „but only because I want that for myself one day, not because I want him. He’s a good friend, honestly he feels a bit like a brother to me at this point, a very handsome brother to be fair…but still, a brother.“

He put a hand on Elio’s shoulder, who was taken aback for a second. He hadn’t expected for Jonathan to address his concerns straight on like this and wasn’t sure what to say.

„Here you go,“ Oliver came up behind the other man, handing him over his copy of ‚Mediations‘ by Marcus Aurelius.

„Someone hit that under the pillows, so it took me a minute to find,“ the blonde man said, his expression had softened considerably.

„Sorry about that,“ Elio smiled small, looking up to Jonathan, hoping that would express his feelings sufficiently at that point.
Hearing all the other man had said, had taken away at least some of his anxiety, making him realize it hadn’t been Jonathan he’d feared, rather he was just a symbol for the general fear of being not enough and therefore replaceable in Oliver’s life.
A fear, that had gotten the best of him, had gotten larger after hearing the words out of Oliver’s father’s mouth but it did respond just as much to hearing the opposite now from Jonathan, so that it was at base level again, which meant he could breath more fluently now.

„Thanks for the book.“

He watched Oliver hug the other man and finally felt nothing, then sat down on a kitchen chair and waited until Jonathan had left.

When Oliver walked back in, he first turned off the stove and then leaning against the counter, turned around to face him again,
Brushing his blonde hair out of his face,

„I’m sorry. I didn’t invite him or anything. He just came by.“

Elio nodded, „He’s your friend. I get it.“

„You do ?,“ he raised his brows.

„Yes,“ he breathed out heavily, suddenly feeling ashamed of his jealous notions from before, burying his head in his hands, tugging at his curls,
„Fuck, I know I’m being difficult, of course I want you to have friends you can be yourself with. I’m just so afraid all the time, and I didn’t expect that at all coming to New York, I was expecting to have the best time of my life, being here with you. I thought it would make me feel urban and all grown up instead I have never felt younger in my life. Like…I’m just a kid and here you are, a real man, like your father said and I’m just sitting here wondering, when you are gonna wake up and realize, you can have literally anyone you want.“

Oliver’s face had been pale to begin with but the moment Elio had mentioned his father, he was hard to differentiate from the wall behind him.

„My father ? You spoke with my father ? When ?“

„Yesterday. He waited for me when I came home. That’s what I came here to tell you.
I know we agreed for me to not come here during the week but -,“

„- stop apologizing. tell me what he said to you because evidently, he struck a cord with something or you wouldn’t be telling me all of this ‚real man‘ bullshit,
that sounds exactly like something he would say.“

Oliver took two steps to the table and sat down in the chair opposite to Elio, then pulled the younger man’s chair a bit closer so there wasn’t as much space between them and leaned forward, gently stopping Elio’s hands from tugging at his curls, and taking them in his own, rubbing his palms with his thumbs.

Elio felt more grounded immediately yet couldn’t make himself look into the piercing blue of the other man’s eyes ,as he was recounting his prior evening.

When he was done, Oliver’s thumbs had stopped drawing small circles on his palms, instead he was holding them tight.

„He wouldn’t do that though, would he ?,“ Elio asked, hopeful, „it was just an empty thread.“

„Oh I have no doubt, that he would,“ Oliver replied, his voice flat, jaw set.

That’s when Elio finally made himself look up into his eyes, they were stormy, clouded.

„I need a cigarette,“ Oliver stood up abruptly, roaming around in the pockets of his trousers, without any success.

„Here, I’ve got one,“ Elio produced a Gauloises out of his as well as a lighter.

„Thanks,“ Oliver took both from him and then nodded in the direction of the bedroom, that had the large window by which one could sit and smoke, without the apartment getting all smelly.

A couple of minutes later, sitting on the windowsill vis-a-vis each other, sharing Elio’s last Gauloises and looking out into the clouded evening sky,
Elio finally dared to ask the unspoken question, trying to keep his voice indifferent „so…you’re gonna break up with me now ? I mean, I’d understand, obviously he doesn’t leave you much of a choice,“ he bit his lip, willing his face not to betray his emotions.

Oliver looked at him then, a small line forming between his brows, „no. what did I tell you yesterday ?“

„Yes, but that was before your father threatened to out you at work and destroy your whole life if you keep seeing me.
So, things have changed.“

„No, they haven’t.“

„How can you say that ?“

„Because they haven’t. Not for me. I closed that door, there is no way I’m going back now.
I’m not gonna get blackmailed into leaving the fucking love of my life, that’s not gonna happen.“

He shook his head once, determined, locking eyes with Elio again, angry now,

„And I would appreciate it if you’d stop questioning me at every corner. Or at least tell me,
What I can do to make you feel like you are safe with me, because apparently I am failing hard in that regard.
I can’t change the past, Elio. Believe me, I would if I could. And for the record, I’m scared as well.
Not just of my father and his arrogant ways of trying to control something he has no idea about,
But of losing you. You could easily just change your mind as well and decide, it’s too much trouble to deal with me and my fucked up family dynamics -,“

Elio almost wanted to laugh because of how ridiculous it had sounded in his ears,

„- that’s crazy -,“ he started only to be interrupted by Oliver again,

„- not to me, it isn’t. You could also decide, like you did when we were just starting out, that you are not done having fun yet and given that I am the only man you ever slept with, maybe you could start wanting to explore that with others as well.“

Elio was baffled, it hadn’t occurred to him, Oliver could harbor such nonsensical thoughts.

„- or,“ he was still going on, „or you could simply just get bored with me, or with New York and travel all through Europe, taking different lovers, men and women at every stop you take,“
There was a hint of a smirk when he put out the cigarette in the little ashtray by the windowsill while Elio was just staring at him in awe,
Still digesting his words.

„- but you know why I don’t bring all of that up at every opportunity ? Because I trust you. Because I trust your words when you say, you’re mine.,“
He said, glancing at him directly and there was immediate electricity in the air, Elio felt goosebumps form on his skin in response.

„Because I trust your actions, when you come here over on the weekends,“ Oliver’s smile was warm now and even though there was still sorrow evident in his expression, he looked more gorgeous then ever to Elio when he leaned forward, resting his hands on Elio’s thighs to support himself and pecked the tip of his nose, which had Elio angle his face upwards and chase his lips in response but the older man hat retrieved already, leaning back against the frame of the window.

„- Because I trust your body when it responds to me like that,“ he said, smirking.

„So tell me,“ he spoke again after a small pause, in which they had just looked at each other, and for a short moment, had just enjoyed the feeling of connection lingering in the air between them.

„Tell me, where I am lacking in making you feel like you can trust me, to.“

There was sadness in his eyes when he’d expressed that and Elio wanted nothing more than to crawl in his lap and kiss it all away, every little trace of sadness but they had done that, time and time again and it only ever helped for the duration of it.

So he took another deep breath and really thought about Oliver’s question.

What did he need, to be able to really, truly, trust he was all the other wanted and would keep wanting, if it was up to him, for the rest of his life ?

There was an idea forming in the back of his mind, but he wasn’t sure he was ready to voice it yet.

„We can also just, address your fears concretely, one by one if that helps,“ Oliver suggested, misinterpreting his hesitation.

„It might,“ Elio nodded, „But what about your father ?“

„We’ll deal with my father’s tantrums later. It is all in vain anyway, if you don’t trust me.“

„Okay,“ he nodded again, gathering his thoughts, „I’m just a kid.“

„You’re young, I give you that.“

„You might want a real man at some point.“

Oliver chuckled, „Is this what my father suggested ? In any case, he would have absolutely no clue as to what I like or don’t like and let me be very clear, you are just the right amount of man for me.“

„Then take the ‚real man‘ aspect and replace it with ‚more self sufficient‘ or ‚less messy‘“ Elio shrugged.

Oliver raised his brows again, trying to keep his face serious, „If you’re trying to break down our connection by making some form of correlation between your level of maturity and my attraction to you, you’re entirely on the wrong track. Yes, I’m attracted to you because you are very intelligent, because you are bold, because you are passionate and carry your emotions around on your adorable, little face for everyone to see, but that doesn’t mean I’d be more attracted to someone who is even more intelligent, more outspoken or has read more books than you… I’m madly attracted to you for the exact and unique mixture of characteristics you have, internally and externally because they fit perfectly with mine,“ he let his fingers interlace with Elio’s as he was speaking, gently stroking over his palm again, „just like this, you were made for me,“ he said, kissing his knuckles, „and therefore, it all starts and ends with us.“

„What if I change and we don’t fit anymore ?,“ Elio asked, tears in his eyes, staring at their hands unable to tell, which fingers were his and which belonged to his love.

„We’ll change together,“ Oliver smiled, lifting Elio’s chin up, so he would look at him.

„What…what if one of us dies ?,“ Elio voices his deepest, darkest fear, the one he couldn’t even put into clear thoughts in his own mind before.

There is a shadow wandering over the other one’s face, full of pain and unspeakable sorrow,
„Well,“ he says after a second of getting himself back in order, „lets just agree not to die on one another, okay ? But just in case,
Know that I will look for you in every lifetime, should we have more than this one and I will find you to love you there as well.“

Elio stared at Oliver, barely able to hold up the space between their bodies with this much intensity in the atmosphere.
He had to break the tension somehow and rolled his eyes then, grinning, „I can’t believe YOU are always saying, I am the dramatic one,“ he teased, getting up from the windowsill and stretching out his limbs and blinking away the tears Oliver’s words had brought up.

„Well you were the one, who just asked me about death baby,“ Oliver chuckled, getting up as well and closing the window,
„I am clearly the romantic one, if we must talk in stereotypes.“

„I’d rather be the wanton one,“ Elio raised his brows and let himself fall on the bedding in front of him, desperate for some physical touch and levity at this point.

„I think we’ll share that title,“ Oliver expressed, climbing on top of him, capturing his face between his elbows and his lips in a kiss that was immediately deep, full of lust and longing. Elio felt the other man’s hands under his shirt, exploring his skin and was doing the same to him, frantically pulling buttons apart, there seemed to be too many and he asked himself who came up with such a silly idea, who needed so many buttons on their shirt anyways ?
How was one supposed to find the right combination to get them off ?

„Fuck the shirt,“ Oliver responded to Elio’s struggle, „just pull it off,“ he lifted his upper body up for a short moment and quickly pulled it up over his head, revealing his toned stomach and broad chest with the blonde hair all over, Elio had seen it so many times already and yet, it still made him swoon..

Pulling his own, loose t shirt up over his head as well, he was suddenly joint with Oliver’s mouth again, his tongue pushing in demandingly and then caressing his softly. The taller man was moving his pelvis rhythmically against his, eliciting jolts of pleasure and a string of little moans out of his throat.

One of Oliver’s hands came to hold onto his chin while he was still kissing him, letting his tongue glide over his lips, sucking on them and then finally, biting his lower one before drawing back, „Damn baby, your lips…,“ he said, staring down at him with dark eyes, the way they always got, when they were about to make love.

Elio’s heart was hammering in anticipation and he still felt electricity permeate the tiny space between their faces.
He couldn’t even fathom how it could feel that way, every single time. Oliver must have been right before, suggesting, they’d been made for one another.

As his hands went down on his lover’s body to open his belt hastily, Elio arched his back, pressing up with the intention of letting the other respond to his need, feeling Oliver’s thumb glide over his Adams apple and pressing down gently as the doorbell rang, interrupting their practiced state of euphoria. „Are you expecting some -,“ „- no, I’m not. I was planning on marking papers tonight, I don’t know what it is today. First Jonathan, than you -,“ „- who you are evidently very happy to see,“ Elio teased, watching Oliver get off of him and trying to press his huge erection back into his pants. „Look who’s talking, the wanton one,“ Oliver smirked as he was closing his belt and throwing on a freshly washed t shirt out of his closet. The bell rang again. „Don’t go anywhere, I’m not done with you,“ Elio heard him say while letting his own head fall back into the cushions, mumbling more to himself than to the other man, „you know I’m not going anywhere.“ There was a minute of silence thereafter and when Elio finally heard noises again, it was the same sharp voice that he’d encountered the day before at his dorm. „What are you doing here ?“ he heard Oliver ask through the closed door to the bedroom. „I am paying my son a visit, I was in the area anyway. Can’t I do that ?“ „You never visited me once since I’ve been living here, so please, spare me the theatrics and tell me, what you want. I know what you did yesterday by the way, so if you’re coming to check if your threats have been successful I’m sorry to disappoint you.“ „of course he came running to you…these people are all the same, weak, pathetic, useless… Only good for stirring up desire where it isn’t suited. I hate them, all of them, they disgust me, if you ask me, they should be staying in their own countries where they can practice their foul ways of living but not here in America, where-,“ „I didn’t ask you though ! Nobody did. I’m not interested in your hate speech nor will you convince me of anything. After what you did yesterday, I’m done with you. I’m not gonna have you threaten my -„ „- your what ? Come on now Oliver, look me in the eye and tell me, what he is! - your lover ? Your boyfriend? Your partner ? Do you hear how ridiculous all of that sounds ?! Is this how you want to spend your life, being ridiculed by people ?!“ Elio couldn’t help himself then, he just needed to step in, his blood boiling, barely having had the wherewithal to pull his shirt back on before opening the door, he barged in, „it’s only people like you who would feel that way about us and we don’t give a fuck about what you and the rest of your narrow minded, bigoted people think,“ He said louder than intended, stepping next to Oliver who was still facing his father in the living room. The tall, grey haired man narrowed his eyes as he was looking at him now, somewhat in disbelief and then totally ignoring him, when he was speaking to his son next, „you can’t be serious about this,“ he vaguely gestured in Elio’s direction, „if it’s about optics, your mother will gladly find you another Jewish girl who looks more like,“ he drew his brows together before giving Elio another pitiful look, „this.“ he completed his proposal, „shouldn’t be too hard to find and I’ll tell you something else I won’t be mentioning to your mother; if it’s just about you preferring the back door, women have that too.“ Elio’s jaw dropped to the floor while Oliver’s was set, anger written all over his face behind the stoic facade, „i want you out,“ he said and Elio had never heard him sound threatening before but he did then, „right now.“ „suit yourself, son. But you know what that means, if I don’t hear from you until next Monday, telling me you have considered my words and have come to your senses, I’m gonna see to it that you will lose your work and your standing at the university and this city.“ „Out! Now!,“ Oliver repeated, and finally they witnessed the older man turn around and leave the apartment without another word.

Chapter Text

„So, what do we do now ?“, Elio asked, still shaking from the anger, Oliver’s father had just stirred up in him.

„We cannot let him do this to you. I can’t believe you grew up under his roof,“
he turned to the other man, who looked astonishingly neutral, regarding what has just happened.

„He was barely home. I guess that was a good thing in that case. The only time I saw him during the day was for dinner and he was only ever interested in listening to our Nanny listing our accomplishments for any given day, never in hearing from us what we thought or what had moved us…he thinks of his children as things that he owns, that are required to fulfill his expectations or else they are worthless to him.“

„i want to say, people like him should be forbidden from procreating but if that was the case, you wouldn’t be here.“

„there are a lot of parents like him though,“ Oliver shrugged, „growing up the way I did, it was somewhat normal. Some of them would withhold their love as a way of controlling their children, others would constantly threaten them with punishment or when they were older, the threat became about withholding financial support. That’s what mine did, which is why I felt the need to earn my own money as soon as possible.“

„that’s why you started playing poker ?,“ Elio asked, letting himself sit down on the sofa, feeling tired all of a sudden after the prior burst of adrenaline.

Oliver nodded and sat down next to him, leaning back and turning his face to look at Elio,
„playing poker, bartending, tutoring …i did a lot of things. Of course he didn’t approve of any of them, cause it lessened the perceived control he had over me. That’s why he is now going for my job, its not like you would think, because it is something I love doing, something I’m genuinely good at and have found purpose and recognition in, he couldn’t care less about any of that. The only reason he is coming for my job is because it is the thing that brings me money, in his eyes it’s the only thing making me bold enough to make my own decisions.“

„if he wasn't so terrible, I could almost feel sorry for him. How can a person get so old and yet not have the slightest grip on the things that really matter.“

„I suspect it has a lot to do with his own father.“

Elio’s brow drew together,

„That’s not an excuse, look at you.“

Oliver gave him an apprehensive smile.

„Right. It’s not. His mother, my Bubbe was also a very loving, gentle kind of person, he just never valued these kind of qualities and aimed to be like his father instead.“

Elio shivered slightly, on no level did it make sense to him that someone would choose to be that way, „again, what are we gonna do now ?“

Oliver sighed, brushed his hair out of his face, „i don’t know… It bothers him that i am right here, under his nose, living my life in opposition to what he deems appropriate. We already established that I am not gonna leave you nor am I gonna leave this city, even though I am sure that is what he would want me to do if I am not changing my ways.“

„you can’t - we are finally living in the same city and you love your job.“

This couldn’t be the solution.

The other man tugged at his shirt, and Elio went willingly down, so that his head was lying in Oliver’s lap now, the physical connection grounding both of them.

„i love you,“ the blonde man responded, letting his hands run through the younger one’s full head of curls now, „Jobs are replaceable. But yes, I like my occupation very much and leaving the city would be like admitting that he is right.“

„so, what else is there to do?,“ Elio was staring at the ceiling, „Should I talk to papa ? He knows people at Columbia too, maybe he could put in a word, so that they are prepared and won’t take those rumors seriously ?“

„Honestly, I don’t know. I’d rather not have my private life discussed at work at all. Even if your father or myself try to explain the situation, it would still mean that I’d have to explain why my father wants to do this in the first place.“

„Try, because he’s an evil, ignorant asshole.“

„See, I’m afraid that choice of words wouldn’t make me seem very professional,“ he chuckled softly but his eyes stayed serious.

„Nature has a cunning way of finding your weakest spot,“ Elio mumbled, more to himself than to his boyfriend, deeming it unfair that love should be theirs.
Love should only ever be celebrated instead it was used against them in order to make them feel like they were wrong to feel it in the first place.

„what did you just say ?“ Oliver’s eyes lightened up all of a sudden.

„huh ?“

„That’s it Elio ! We just have to use his weakest spot against him. He thinks he’s untouchable but that’s not true. He lives for his reputation, his pride clearly is his weakness, in this case.“

„Yes, that’s brilliant !,“ Elio shot right up again so suddenly that his forehead bumped into Oliver’s chin.

„ouch, careful there.“ The older man rubbed his chin but was clearly amused with the boy’s sudden shift in energy.

Elio was so exited, he hastily got up, needing to walk back and forth to release some of that energy, while talking, „we just tell him, if he does what he threatened you with, you are gonna come out and say…i don’t know..maybe that you think it is genetic because you saw him fool around with other men while growing up.
It doesn’t matter if it’s true or not, even if people don’t believe it straight away, they will always be left wondering if there isn’t a sliver of truth to it.“

Oliver crossed his fingers behind his head, letting his elbows flair out to both sides on the headrest of the sofa,

„I think something like that might be the best shot we have.“

Elio nodded enthusiastically, stopping his stroll through the living room right in front of his boyfriend, „He’s never gonna allow that to happen, right ?“

„I don’t think so.“

„Than that’s settled.“

„I’ll speak with him tomorrow,“ he stood up as well, closing the gap between them and palming Elio’s face between his hands, gently,

„Remind me, never to end up on your bad side. The things you come up with…“

Elio chuckled, looking up into his boyfriend’s loving expression,

„Oh I’ll remind you alright,“ he bit the inside of his cheek,
„but as long as you’re still on my good side, you reap the benefits of my inventive nature in other areas.“

„such as ?“

Elio let one hand slight under his boyfriend’s shirt, the other one down the back of his pants.

‚Ass‘ was a good guess on Oliver’s part but before the boy could comment on that, his lips had already been taken, in a stormy kiss that had both of them hot and bothered in no time, letting their bodies lead the rest of the conversation.

Chapter Text

3 months later…

„i like the fit of your jeans,“ Oliver mumbled, voice hoarse against his temple,
parting the boy’s thighs with one of his own, their bodies flush against each others.

„I can tell,“ Elio was barely aware of their surroundings anymore but in the back of his mind, he knew they weren’t alone.

They had met up with a couple of friends from both of them in a gay club in the west village, which was why, no one was batting an eye at the way, Oliver had him trapped against a wall.

Dance music was blasting in the background and even though they hadn’t been drinking tonight, Elio felt pleasantly dizzy being kissed into oblivion by his boyfriend.

He wondered, if he’d ever get used to the feeling of, not only his own ever present desire for the man, currently cupping his neck and caressing his tongue teasingly slow with his own, but to being so utterly desired, which never failed to give him that burning sensation in his lower tummy.

He could feel Oliver hard against his leg and silently cursed himself for having to break the kiss at some point, to get some air.

„I think,“ his boyfriend spoke low, biting his ear, „i think, you should come home with me tonight, yeah ?“

Elio whimpered out of frustration, slightly tugging on Oliver’s chest hair underneath his shirt,

„i can’t, remember ? First period starts at 8 tomorrow and it’s that oral examination, I’ve been telling you about. Actually I think I need to leave soon.“

„Should have thought about that before you showed up here in these,“ Oliver boldly grabbed Elio’s butt, referring to his new stone washed, low rise jeans again.

Elio chuckled breathlessly, he knew his boyfriend was being playful, teasing, he would never let him miss a test and he’d come to accept that it was his way, of making sure he’d reach all his dreams in the future. Not some kind of a misplaced sense of responsibility due to their difference in age and experiences.

„also,“ the boy threw his arms around Oliver’s neck and pressed his body even closer to him, „it’s against the rules. We wouldn’t want to alarm the nosy neighbors now, would we ?“

„I’ll never hear the end of that, am I ?“ Oliver smirked, pushing his hips into the boy and taking his lips in a bruising kiss again.

Deep. Satisfying. Always…calling for more.

„Fuck,“ Oliver drew back a bit, his eyes as dark as they’d get when they were intimate, his breath deep and heavy,

„I’d let you go but you’ve got me so turned on right now, I can hardly think straight.“

Elio couldn’t help but grin, he bit down on his lower lip.

Honestly, he was in no better position.

He looked up at Oliver, felt him trace the outline of his mouth with his thumb.

„I’ll pay for your taxi,“ he said, gazing down at his lips, „you know everything there is to know about Haydn anyways. You’d pass that test in your sleep.“

That was probably true, yet, he didn’t want to risk it.

He let his head rest back against the wall, catching his breath,

„how about, you stay at my dorm instead ? That way, I get more sleep and you still get to come in my mouth…and…on my face…and inside of me….“

The boy shrugged and smiled sheepishly, well aware that he wasn’t playing fair if what he wanted was to have Oliver stay over for the first time ever.

They hadn’t done that yet. However, slowly but surely, Elio had become trustful, not only in Jonathan and his pals but also, in his own new friends and roommates on campus. Part of the reasoning for tonights outing had been that Cat, one of Elio’s roommates, had suggested to go out somewhere, where Elio could dance with his boyfriend the same way, she could with hers.
So naturally, he considered his friends company to be another area of security for them to be themselves.

But Oliver, as always, tended to be more apprehensive, more private about these kinds of things.
Except for tonight, apparently. Tonight, the magic words he’d just uttered, paired with his new pair of pants would grant him any wish he’d possibly come up with.

„What are we waiting for then ?,“ the blonde man asked, brushing his own disheveled hair away from his face and stepping back, holding his hand out for Elio to take.

On their way out they ran into Jonathan, who suggested sharing a taxi since he lived around the corner from Oliver’s.

„We’re at Elio’s tonight, sorry man,“

„At the dorm ? Do you even fit into those beds ? Or have they gotten bigger since my time ?“

„I guess we’re about to find out,“ Oliver responded with a sheepish smile,
nudging Elio forward.

„Are we still on for poker next week though ?“

„sure we are,“ Elio’s boyfriend said, over his shoulder, still making it clear they were on their way out.

„why don’t you join us as well, Elio ?“ Jonathan asked in a casual tone , evidently not getting the other man’s cues.

Oliver laughed, „Elio has the exact opposite of a poker face, so no, I think, he’d rather keep his money, right baby ?“

„I don’t know what you’re talking about. Whenever we play, I win,“
Elio clarified.

„That was one time and it was strip poker, so I guess I got distracted,“ and then turning towards Jonathan, „can you blame me ?“

„i sure can’t…,“ he chuckled, „so Elio, wanna join us then ? Perhaps you being there will give us others more of a chance…given your diversionary effect on him,“ he nodded towards Oliver.

Elio shrugged, „It’s Tuesdays right ? Sorry, i would have liked to help you guys out but I can’t, I have theater class and it
runs pretty late.“

„I bet you would have“ Oliver tousled his already messy hair.

Elio appreciated Jonathan asking but was really happy with the connections he made since starting at Juillard and felt more and more comfortable exploring the extracurricularly activities as well. While he wanted to spend as much time as possible with Oliver, he knew they would make it work without sacrificing other interests and ways to expand his horizon in the process.

Part of him wished they could just move in together already, to really combine the best of both worlds but he understood why Oliver was still hesitant on that, given they had just managed to navigate the situation with his father by matching his threats to spread lies with their own a couple of months ago.

After that conversation they hadn’t heard from him again, and Elio knew, Oliver considered that to be a good sign. There hadn’t been any hiccups at work and so they assumed Oliver’s old man had accepted the fact that, if he didn’t want to be topic of public speculation himself, he had to stay silent on his son’s matter as well.

The winter break was spend at the Villa in Crema, celebrating Hanukkah with Elio’s family.

He had hoped for that to make Oliver feel like, despite not being on speaking terms with his own family due to recent developments, he would not only be a welcomed but a chosen part of theirs.

„sorry man, we gotta go, Elio has a test first thing tomorrow,“ The tall, blonde man ended the friendly, little chitchat with Jonathan, who nodded, „good luck then, not that you‘d need it, little genius. see you guys soon.“ „Luck is always welcomed, thanks Jonathan. Goodnight.“

In the taxi, on the way to the dorm, it took all of Elio’s willpower not to climb all over his tree of a man and eat him alive already.

He had to make himself look out the window, in order to avoid the eye contact, he knew would make it impossible, not to trigger a chain of events, possibly ending in being arrested for indecent behavior.

His leg was fidgeting as he was counting down the blocks until their destination.

Going to the club with his boyfriend had been sort of a revelation to Elio.

If he would have had the same experience several months ago, observing all these openly admiring and lustful gazes, directed at Oliver who obviously noticed them as well but didn’t care, would have made him feel mad with jealousy at best, probably even doubtful, questioning once again, if he was being enough.

But since then, he’d come to understand that he wasn’t replaceable in Oliver’s world, instead he was the very center of it, having his own gravitational pull and all;
He’d understood this not only intellectually but his heart had internalized this truth as well.

The fear of losing the other man had been replaced by a deep trust in the strength of their unique connection. At every opportunity to take the easier route, Oliver, since coming back, had chosen him. They’d chosen each other.

And Elio was sure, they’d continue to do so.

Once the door to his dorm room, had closed behind them, they were already all over each other.

Making out on his bed like horny teenagers, Oliver underneath him, he kisses him like a starving man.

Elio feels the large hand at his throat and the thick stubble rubbing against his chin.

He slowly glides down his boyfriend‘s body , pushing clothes out of his way while he kisses each patch of skin he can get, sucking, biting, worshipping everything he touches.

Listening to Oliver’s hitching breath when he takes him into his mouth, as deep as he can, he feels his own pleasure intensifying.

He loves pleasing as much as being pleased himself, welcomed the hand in his hair encouraging his movements gently.

„Baby. You‘ve had me hard as can be for the last hour, I’m not gonna last like this,“ Oliver warns him, watching him through hooded eyes, thighs slightly trembling.

That only makes Elio double down on his efforts, he knows messy blowjobs drive Oliver crazy and so again, he pushes down on him as much as he can, almost to the point of choking.

When Oliver comes a few minutes later, Elio can see his eyes roll backwards for a second and he gives him a minute to recover before moving up and kissing him softly again.

„One down, two to go,“ he whispers on his lips, feeling his boyfriend smirk underneath him.

„What about your oral examination?“

„I think I’‘ll be alright,“ Elio responds, painfully aware of his own hardness now.

Luckily Oliver seems to have read his mind,

„Come on up here,“ he nudges him forward until he‘s sitting so high on the blond man’s chest, that he’s aligned with his mouth and goes up on his knees once Oliver opens it for him.

He soon has two fingers pressing inside of him from behind as well and is trapped in an inevitable spiral of intense pleasure, moving his hips back and forth.

Holding onto the frame of his bed, is the only thing that keeps him from collapsing when he comes, yelling, „fuck yes !“ at the top of his lungs, which would have earned him an admonishing look, had they been in Oliver’s apartment but now he’s busy licking his lips to make sure to have caught every last drop of the boy.

„You’re a fucking vision when you come. If that didn’t get me hard again, I’d be worried,“ Oliver helps him to get in a comfortable position again, gathering Elio in his arms, sharing lazy, languid kisses thereafter.

„You know what else did turn me on today ?“

„My jeans ?“

Oliver chuckles, low,
„Yes, those too. But more than that even, it was the fact that in that club, everyone could see, that you belong to me. I’m so fucking proud to be with you and normally, I can’t express that in front of others…“

„I feel the same way,“
Elio agrees, shivering with renewed arousal when he thinks of the moment, he’d been getting a coke at the bar of the club and some guy had tried to chat him up, placing a hand on his hip while doing so. Before he himself had reacted, Oliver had already turned up behind him to lean back against and just his presence had been enough for the guy to get it and leave them be but the hint of possessiveness his boyfriend’s sudden presence suggested, had been an undeniable turn on.

„Fuck me, my love,“ Elio breathes out and starts kissing his man with renewed vigor.

Oliver meets his enthusiasm and kisses back deeply,

„I want you on top, back to me,“ he whispers hoarsely.

Elio doesn’t waste any time, he is still warmed up and open from before so he lines himself up on top and sits down all the way, holding onto Oliver’s thighs for support as he starts moving sinfully slow.

The stretch and pressure inside of him, paired with the sensation of Oliver’s hands rough against his skin, gliding up and down his ribcage, reaching around to pinch a nipple, it’s bliss.

He moans out loud and if possible, feels Oliver grow further inside of him.

„Like what you see?“ he asks smirking over his shoulder.

„you got that right.“

Elio takes one of Oliver’s hands, guides it from his hips to his tummy,

„You know I can feel you right there, you’re so damn big,“ he says, pressing both of their hands against his skin there.

„fuck, Elio…you should see yourself right now.“

Oliver was panting and his hand moved down from Elio’s belly in between his legs now, spreading the pleasure between the parts of his body that were most receptive to it.

After a couple of minutes like this, Oliver got up on his knees, still behind Elio, pressing the boys back to his chest and slowly, thrusting into him that way.

Elio turned his head slightly, his hand going for Oliver nape as they kissed passionately again.

Somehow that angle was even deeper and Elio gasped every time, his pleasure point was hit.

„Yeah ? want me to keep going ?,“
The blonde man asked, raining in his movements to a teasingly slow rhythm.

„yes I fucking want you to keep going,“
Elio wasn’t feeling very patient anymore at that point, „make me come please,“ he heard himself beg and knew that must have been what Oliver wanted because his boyfriend growled in response and picked up his pace thereafter until they both reached the peak of satisfaction.

Half an hour later they had cleaned themselves up and were slowly dozing off, limbs entangled, when Elio mumbles,

„I’ll definitely still feel that tomorrow during my oral examination.“

„Stop saying oral, it’s too late for round three.“

„Tomorrow then. I‘ll come over after piano lessons.“

„Fine. I‘ll make dinner, don’t spoil your appetite.“

Elio chuckles,
„yeah like that ever happened“

„My mistake. See, i‘m so tired I don’t know what I’m saying anymore.“

„I love you, goodnight,“ he kisses the other man’s cheek gently.

„And I love you.“

Seconds later they’re already asleep.

Chapter Text

They were spread out on the couch in Oliver’s apartment.
Elio was listening to classical music over his headphones, lazily rubbing Oliver’s feet, who was reading the most recent homework assignments from his students.

It was a Sunday and Elio felt sleepy still, they had been going on a run through Central Park that morning and after taking a hot shower together, he had to study for his upcoming exam while Oliver started preparing his classes.
Halfway through studying Elio noticed that he was missing one of his books and so he knew he had to go home early this afternoon.

Elio sighed, he had brought up the topic of just moving in together a couple of times already but felt that Oliver was still hesitant,
sometimes deflecting when they talked about it.

Although they had only been living in the same city for about eight months, Elio already had enough of the constant back and forth between places,
having half his stuff at Oliver’s, the other half at the dorm and during the week, being constantly distracted by thoughts about the other man.

Last time, he’d addressed that, they’d been in bed together.
Oliver had just finished deep inside his already blissed out body and they both were glistening with sweat, trying to get their breath back, the heavy weight of his boyfriends body still pinning him down to the bed.

„I miss you,“ Elio had said, in a small voice, his brows furrowed.

„I’m literally still inside of you.“ Oliver chuckled against his cheek.

„during the week, i mean,“ Elio clarified, determined to get his point across,
„All I can think about during the weekends is that i have to leave on sundays again and how much I hate it.“

„well, hopefully that’s not all you think about,“ Oliver pulled out and rolled to his side, picking up some of Elio’s release from his own chest and licking it off his thumb.

If he hadn’t just come, he’d be hard again, there is a stab of excitement to his lower belly that he can’t deny.

Elio swallowed, shook his head,
„You know what I mean… I just don‘t understand why we can’t just live together.“

„Baby. Don’t get me wrong, I miss you too during the week. My bed seems empty and cold without you in it and I don’t sleep as well when you’re not here.“

„Me neither. I can’t stand sleeping without you.“

„And I promise you, there‘ll be a time, when we can. Okay ? But not now. It hasn’t been that long yet. Just know that,“ he leaned towards Elio, hovering over his face now, staring at his lips, „if I could, I’d spend all my time inside of you, making love to you, cherishing every part of you.“

Elio’s cheeks had grown hot in response to Oliver’s words and he had given in to the kiss that followed, stirring up renewed passion in an attempt to satisfy the ever present longing between their bodies.

Now, in the present, Elio chewed on the inside of his cheek, thought about, how to address the topic yet again. He looked over to Oliver, who seemed deeply absorbed into the paper he was reading, his forehead slightly creased.

Elio cleared his throat, put his headphones off and gave a kiss to the soft underside of his boyfriend‘s bare feet.

Oliver glanced back at him then, curiosity in his eyes, a relaxed half smile on his lips,
„What do you want ?,“ he asked, amusement evident in his voice,
„You bored ?“

„no,“ he pursed his lips, „I love this. It’s the perfect Sunday except for the fact that I have to get back to the dorm in a couple of hours already because I forgot to bring that book I need.“

Oliver sighed and put the paper he was holding back onto the coffee table right by the couch, „that again ?“

„You know I love having you here, right ?“

„Yeah. But I don’t understand why we can’t just live together. Like, it’s not gonna make a difference to your family, or your neighbors for that matter. They know me, they like me…last weekend mrs. Brownstein from 3d gave me a whole freshly baked basket of chocolate chip cookies just because I offered to help her granddaughter with her piano lessons.“

„Yes, you told me. What happened to that basket by the way ? I never saw it.“

„huh ? That’s not the point of that story.“

„Just asking.“ Oliver shrugged.

Elio rolled his eyes, letting go of Oliver’s feet and stretched out his arms over his head,

„I want to move in with you, why don’t you want that ?“ he asked directly now.

„Elio,“ Oliver straightened up his spine and put his feet to the carpet, so he was closer to the boy. He reached out to stroke over his cheekbone gently but Elio didn’t lean into the touch as he usually would, so Oliver’s hand fell back into his lap, defeated.

„It’s not about my family or the neighbors.“

Elio nodded, at least they were finally talking about this for real.

„What is it about ?“

„It’s gonna take you so much longer everyday to get to school from my place. It’s just … impractical. The quickest way to go is by bus and you hate that, you get sick on that. Also, we talked about the fact how important it is to have your friends there, people you trust and you have found them because you are living there.
You’re still in your first year. I promised your father that our relationship wouldn’t interfere with your studies and I feel that, by asking you to live with me, it would.“

Elio frowned, „I‘d really prefer it if you guys stopped talking about me as if I were a child. My studies are going great, thanks to me and I’m very capable of making these kinds of decisions for myself.“

„I know you are.“

„So for me it comes down to,
do you want me here or not ?“

„I do,“ Oliver replied softly, looking at him directly, „of course I do.“

Elio smiled, „good.“

He felt relived as he pushed himself up on his knees and then went to straddle his boyfriend on the couch.

He felt Oliver’s hands on his skin, under his shirt immediately and every touch was igniting little sparks in his lower tummy.

He would never, ever get used to this.

„So, is that a yes ?,“ he asked, giddy now, wrapping his hands around the taller man‘s neck, lips softly brushing over each other’s,
„I can move in with you ?“

„you darn well know it’s a yes,“ Oliver smiled too, pecking him softly, pressing to the small of his back so he’d be coming even closer,
„happy now ?“

„yes.“ Elio couldn’t remember ever feeling this happy before. He palmed Oliver’s face and slit his tongue into his mouth,
determined to show him, just how happy this was making him.

Oliver kissed him back of course, making his head swirl with desire in no time.

When the taller man was kissing down his jaw, gently biting the sensitive skin on his neck, Elio moaned and felt helpless with arousal already,
fully surrendering to their connection.

„Fuck me,“ he heard himself breath out while he was trying to get rid of his shirt and pants, without losing the physical contact to the other man.

„mhmm, say that again,“ Oliver almost purred in his honey like deep voice, that traveled all the way to Elio’s groin.

„Fuck me, Oliver. Please,“ he didn’t care that he was full on begging now and was grateful when Oliver growled from deep in his throat in response,
helping him to get naked faster.

Once undressed, Elio was grabbing after Oliver’s hand, wanting to pull him into the bedroom but Oliver just shook his head slightly
as he flicked the button of his jeans open with his thumb.

„Right here.“ He said, padding the place next to himself on the couch.

Elio grinned and layed back down, belly first, his erection trapped between the fabric and his own body weight.

He sighed with pleasure when he felt Oliver kiss down his spine, opened his mouth when three of his fingers pressed against his lips and made sure to hollow his cheeks as he was wetting them.

„Fuck..baby..you drive me insane..,“ Oliver growled against his neck and used his fingers skillfully to open him up, coaxing out little waves of bliss, traveling all throughout his body.

„Please,“ Elio‘s body doesn’t even feel like his own anymore, it’s a big ball of pleasure and he arches his back involuntarily, moaning out loud when Oliver presses into him, his arm circling the boys waist.

First it hurts, like always because Oliver is big and he is tight but he knows that’s what makes it so good for the both of them, as if their bodies had been molded for each other.

But as Oliver keeps moving inside of him, finding his pace, his body relaxes and the pain is overridden by the overwhelming sensations of pleasure inside.

„You’re gonna fuck me everyday now ?“
Elio asks, his filter totally gone by now.

„any day, anytime you want me to,“ Oliver replies breathless, holding his hips still, so he can move deeper inside, making them both moan in unison.

„im gonna hold you to that.“

„I’m sure you will.“ Elio doesn’t see it but hears the smile in his man’s voice.

„Up, up, up,“ Oliver demands playfully, urging Elio to get up on his knees, so his back his aligned with his lover‘s chest.

Elio Tipps his head back then, searching for Oliver’s lips and get‘s them, they kiss messily, little sharp bites to the lips in between and Elio’s hand flies to his sex, as he needs a release.

Oliver pushes his hand away to take over,
„My job,“ he grunts while stroking him in harmony with his thrusts.

„Yes, yes, oh god ,“ Elio hears himself yell in the thick of it. He comes moments later, as does Oliver and they both collapse back on the couch.

That same Sunday, they phone his parents to tell them about the news and as Elio expected, they are nothing but supportive and happy for the two of them.

A weekend later they move over all of his stuff from the dorm and come to think of it, he couldn’t be happier if he tried.