Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Set like, shortly after season three but before the pandemic. But it’s 9-1-1, where timelines are…not the priority XD

He couldn’t believe he was doing this here of all places. This… thing wasn’t new, or even particularly out of character for him, but never in a million years had he thought he’d stoop to doing it at Bobby and Athena’s, and at a dinner party nonetheless. He’d started, or rather restarted, in his own bathroom and had fully intended to keep it there. It had worked for a while, but eventually he’d ended up doing it at the station once or twice, maybe more, who knows? He didn’t keep track. This was Bobby and Athenas home though, and he felt awful for bringing his bullshit here, but he didn’t have much of a choice. He had had a great time with his family, until they reached the main course. Bobby’s potato gratin was good, way too good, filling up his stomach in that sickly familiar way that sent a chill down his spine, and he’d made his way to the guest bathroom almost on autopilot. Typical Buck, always ruining a good thing. It wasn’t a binge this time, or even close to it, but his body was screaming at him nonetheless, and he had to silence it the only way he knew how.

He felt the panic rise as he heard a knock on the door. Someone had heard him, of course they had. Stupid stupid stupid.

“Buck? You okay in there?” Eddie’s voice rang through the door.

Fuck. Of course it had to be him.

“ Yeah i’m fine” Buck called back, but there was no hiding his scratchy post-vomit voice.

“Wanna try that again buddy?” Eddie said, and Buck could hear the eyeroll in his voice.

“I heard you throw up Buck, I know you’re not fine”.

Then why ask? Buck wanted to say, but he bit his tongue. 

“I must have eaten something weird earlier,” he said instead. “Felt off since breakfast but thought it was nothing.”

“You gonna let me in?” Eddie asked. “Can you get to the door?”

“Smells like barf in here,” Buck warned him. 

“Think I care?”

Buck didn’t have to look at Eddie to know he was wearing that unimpressed look, the one with his head tilted slightly to the side and his arms crossed. He knew that look like the back of his hand, which was saying something, considering how much he’d tasted his own knuckles lately.

“Yeah yeah, whatever,” Buck sighed and flushed the toilet before reaching over to unlock the door, hiding his right hand behind his back.

Eddie opened the door and kneeled down in front of Buck to check him over.

“You don’t have a fever, at least not yet” Eddie said, pressing the back of his hand against Buck’s forehead. “You don’t look so good though”.

“Geez, thanks man.” 

“Oh c’mon, You know what I mean,” Eddie scoffed. “Do you still feel nauseous? Think you’ll throw up again?”

“A little” Buck lied. “But I think I'm fine for now.”

“I’m gonna take you home,” Eddie said, brushing Buck’s hair out of his face. “Wait here, I’ll grab your stuff and tell the others we’re leaving”.

“You don’t have to. Stay and enjoy the party, I can get home by myself.”

“Nope,” Eddie shook his head. “Not letting you do that.”

Buck toyed with the idéa of throwing up again before Eddie would come back, as he didn’t really get to finish before. He’d already been caught, and Eddie seemed to believe his story of being sick so it could be fair game, but the door was still unlocked so he ultimately decided against it. Eddie, or someone else, walking in to see him in the process would mean getting caught for real. So he just washed his hands, rinsed his mouth and sat back down on the floor.

Eddie returned not long after, and he had Bobby with him. Buck sighed as his gut filled with further guilt. He could feel Bobby’s eyes quickly search across his body for any signs of illness.

“Buck, Eddie said you weren’t feeling well,” Bobby said, leaning over to lay the back of his hand against Buck’s forehead just like Eddie did not even five minutes ago. “When did this start?”

“I’m fine, I must've just eaten something weird,” Buck repeated, his voice sounding less scratchy now. “Like, earlier, not here. Your potato gratin was amazing.”

Bobby gave him a slight smile at that but still modeled that worried frown that weighed on Buck’s conscience like a brick.

“I don’t really think vomiting counts as being fine, Buck,” Eddie chimed in, shaking his head.

“I don’t even have a fever,” Buck protested. “I’ll be just fine ”.

“You don’t have the best track record of determining that” Bobby said, his voice laced with both affection and sternness as he rested his hand on Buck’s shoulder.

The implication stung, reminding Buck way too much of the whole fiasco that was his lawsuit a few months back, but he tried to brush it off. Bobby just cared about him, and here he was, ruining things again. 

“Hey, at least it’s not blood this time” He attempted to joke, but it fell flat.

Bobby and Eddie just gave him another unimpressed look.

“I’m sorry Bobby” he said instead, swallowing the guilt. “It’s a great party. I would have loved to stay”.

“Don’t apologize for getting sick Buck, it’s not your fault” Bobby said, keeping his hand on Buck’s shoulder.

Buck didn’t answer though. He didn’t trust his mouth to not go; oh well this time it was, actually.

“Do you feel good enough to go home with Eddie? Otherwise you know you’re always welcome to stay here,” Bobby continued.

“I already feel better” Buck mumbled, his throat closing on him. “And I don’t want to be in the way of the party. But thank you.”

“You’re never in the way, Buck. Please, call if you get worse okay? Athena and I can come right over.”

“I’ll take him to mine,” Eddie said, nodding at Bobby. “I’ll keep him off his feet for a bit”.

“You really don’t have to.” Buck protested. I'm not actually sick. “I’m fine at the loft”

“Nope,” Eddie said. “You’re coming home with me, or you’re staying there, or I could call Maddie?.”

“You’re overreacting”

“Nope,” Eddie repeated, sharing a look with Bobby.

“Buck, you can’t blame us for being a little weary after the last time,” Bobby said. “You almost died in the backyard. And you just got off the medication.”

Buck sighed, he’d never live that down.

“Fine”.

“How are you, really?” Eddie asked as they sat down in his car.

“I’m fine, it’s just food poisoning or something.” Buck sighed, tired of this conversation.

Eddie eyed him suspiciously. 

“Or exhaustion” he said after a moment.

“What do you mean?”

“Buck, you’ve been acting weird for a while . And you look tired,” Eddie said. “You’ve never been good at taking things easy.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Buck mumbled. I’ve just been shoving my fingers down my throat a few times a week for a while, no big deal.

“You know you can talk to me right?” Eddie said, turning to face him directly. “I know something’s going on with you.”

Buck looked back at him, meeting his gaze. He didn’t want to tell him, he was way too ashamed. Besides, it was gonna go away soon anyway, like it did before.

“I know I can Eddie, but there’s really not much to say,” he said. “I just got a little sick, and now I feel better.”

“I don’t mean to smother you Buck, it's just…the last time you overdid things you almost blew your lung out.” Eddie sighed.

“That’s not what embolisms do, are you sure you’re a medic?” Buck said, trying to tease him into changing the subject.

“Buck, can you be serious for like, one second?” Eddie said, without any real harshness in his voice.

“I promise I'm fine, and if that stops being true I will tell you,” Buck said, trying his darnest to sound truthful and calm.

He’d never been good at keeping those kinds of promises.

The second time Buck broke his arm, he was fifteen years old. He’d been driven home from the emergency room for the third time in a month, this time sporting a green cast on his left wrist. His  mom had actually hugged him before helping him into the car, and they stopped for ice cream on the way home, like they always did when he’d been hurt. The stark contrast from her usual indifference made him almost numb to the physical pain in his arm, and the green cast made her actually look at him, made him feel seen. If he had jumped from a two story window just because he knew that would happen, then that wasn’t anybody's business but his own. Six weeks later though, the cast came off and everything went back to normal, like it always did. Another parent-teacher conference passed by without either of his parents showing up, and another football match took place without them in the audience. The only person who truly cared about him was long gone with a douche-bag over in Boston, and he didn’t see her that often anymore. Not that he could blame her. Or well, sometimes he did if he was being honest, but he also knew that he’d probably done the same had he had a chance to leave home. He just wished he hadn’t been left behind.

Just two weeks post-cast he already toyed with the idea of taking his skateboard down a steep set of stairs, but he was pretty sure his couch would kick him off the team if he was unable to play again so soon, and he actually enjoyed being on the team. He liked being part of a group, and having people around him even if he weren’t particularly close with any of them. He had the chance to put effort into something, providing value for the team, and it felt good. So he stayed put, but still ached for the love and attention that he only got while bruised or bleeding.

His fathers birthday came around and Buck tried his best to bake him a cake. He wanted to do something nice for his dad. Maybe then in return he would look at him and maybe even love him, or at least like him. But neither of his parents even noticed the cake sitting on the counter as they said goodbye over their shoulders. They headed to a fancy restaurant without him, like he should’ve expected, but it still stung . He looked at the cake though. He stared at it for a long time, feeling the blue icing almost taunt him. How could he be so stupid to think that they would give a shit just because he baked a fucking cake? Nothing like that had ever worked. It didn’t matter what he did. No injury, no love. It was always like this with them, but he’d been without his sister for months now and something just felt different. He didn’t feel sad this time, just angry, and he was quickly getting angrier. So fucking angry that he could have lit the stupid candles on the cake with the heat of it, like, if that was a thing. Without thinking, he smashed it against the wall, making a mess he knew would send his mothers temper through the roof had she seen it. But she never would. He felt his stomach churn as he stared at the mess.

He’d skipped lunch to make the cake and the anger that had masked his hunger before, started to fade with the melting icing. He needed to eat something, now. His fingers made their way into the smeared cake and he stuffed his face with it just to make his stomach shut up. It worked, as expected, but it didn’t just numb the hunger. It also numbed his mind. So he continued shoving cake into his mouth, scraping it off the counter and off the wall, each bite numbing him more than the last one. The sugar rush felt good, and he just kept on eating. Soon the whole mess of the cake was gone and his stomach was full to the brim, but he didn’t stop there. He searched the cabinet for the pack of oreos he’d seen earlier and chewed his way through that one as well, later moving on to the packet of cereal beside it. He got halfway through it before everything caught up to him. What the fuck was he doing? His stomach hurt like hell, almost bursting at the seams, and he felt absolutely disgusting.

As he turned to get some water, he felt his pants dig into his stomach and he didn’t need to look down at it to know that it was visibly bigger than usual. His previous numbness was quickly replaced by rapidly increasing dread and nausea. This mess couldn’t stay inside his body, it just couldn’t. He had to get rid of it somehow. The nausea grew stronger and he made his way to the bathroom to kneel down in front of the toilet and let his body do its thing. But the vomit never came, and his panic only grew. He remembered how he always gagged if he went too far back on his tongue while brushing his teeth, and figured now was a good time to put that knowledge to use. He picked up his toothbrush and shoved it back farther than he ever would just to brush his tongue, and hoped for the best. It took a couple tries, but eventually it worked. The dread, the stomach ache, and the feeling of disgust followed the cake down the sewer system and he finally felt light and clean again. He fell back towards the bathroom floor and just laid there, still unsure about what the fuck he just did. Contrary to popular belief, Buck wasn’t stupid. He was well aware that this was incredibly unhealthy, but he was used to breaking limbs for love and affection, so this seemed small in comparison. It left no traces, and it didn’t require another person reacting. This was all him, it could be his own little thing. So he couldn’t help doing it again while feeling lonely a couple days later, and another time the week after that. His parents never noticed the missing food, or the fact that he didn’t get into any accidents anymore. 

A couple months in, at sixteen, he woke up groggy and alone after passing out on his bathroom floor for god knows how long. It scared him a little, looking at his sickly pale face in the mirror, and down at his shaky hands. His legs felt like jelly, all numb and disoriented. He knew this wasn’t sustainable anymore, and he’d recently discovered that sex gave him a similar feeling of numbness and release, so maybe he could trade one for the other. The hickeys across his neck and chest had matched the marks on his knuckles for more than a few weeks, so what was a couple more? He promised himself that this would be the last time he would throw up like this, and it was, until it wasn’t.

“I’m fine on the couch Eddie,” Buck protested, seated in his usual seat in Eddie’s couch.

“You’re sick, you take the bed,” Eddie said, stubborn as always.

“But it’s your bed, you shouldn’t be on the couch.”

“Buck, please just take the bed.”

“I need to be close to the bathroom,” Buck tried. “Maybe I'll puke again.”

“I’ll get you a bucket then,” Eddie said, ushering him towards the bed.

Buck sighed, he knew he was losing this. But then he got an idea, which could be either fine or a disaster.

“We could just share, it’s big enough and I’m pretty sure I'm not contagious,” he suggested, feeling his cheeks grow hot.

“Sounds good to me,” Eddie said, after a few moments of silence. “And for the record, I wouldn’t care if it was contagious. You’re my best friend and a little germs don’t scare me.”

Buck had to bite back tears on that one. He didn’t deserve Eddie's kindness, or his concern. He’d done this to himself, like the attentionwhore he was and had always been. No one can ever find out.

As promised they ended up sharing Eddie’s bed for the night, with a bright yellow bucket at Buck’s bedside. He felt seen, and cared for, everything he’d ever wanted as a kid, but it didn’t feel good. It just felt wrong. This shouldn’t be the reason somebody cared, that wasn’t why he was doing it. Not this, never this. The potato gratin was still weighing on him, but he let it be for now. It was probably too digested to get rid of now anyway. 

It was silly really, how it started back up again. Had someone told him he would go back to his unhealthy habits after Abby left him, or when his leg was crushed, after the tsunami or during his stupid lawsuit, he would’ve understood. It would have made sense, but he’d stayed clear of it for years. Then came christmas. He had a wonderful time planning the surprise party with Athena and the day felt perfect. His whole family, everyone that mattered anyway, were together and happy for the first time in what felt like forever. It almost felt too good, too safe, almost scary.

He woke up the day after, feeling drained. Athena had sent them all home with leftovers to last them for days, and he was happy not to have to cook while being so tired. But the turkey was so good, he downed the whole box without thinking, and the same thing happened with the potatoes. Before he knew it, the boxes were empty and his ears were ringing. What was going on? He was happy and life was good, better than it had ever been. For the first time in his life, he truly felt like he belonged somewhere and like he had multiple people who truly cared about him, but it didn't matter. He probably didn’t even deserve them after all, and maybe they would all leave him again once they figured that out. He got his toothbrush out without thinking, and it wouldn’t be long until he moved on to just his fingers again, still confused as to why he was even doing it in the first place.

Bobby and Eddie, and Maddie who wasn’t even at the dinner party but Chimney had fucking snitched to, all insisted he should take a couple days off work to get better. Buck wasn’t a fan of that idea, but he reluctantly agreed to keep them happy. Eddie kept insisting that it was exhaustion that had made him sick and Buck knew he had to be more careful now and act more normal again. Being alone with nothing to do wasn’t great for him at the moment however. He spent three days walking around on his loft bored out of his mind, wanting nothing more than to be back out in the field. It reminded him a little too much of his time on blood thinners and it stirred up some feelings that he really didn’t want to feel again. As he heard the sirens of a fire truck drive by his apartment, his heart tugged. He knew it wasn’t logical, as this was a completely different scenario, but he couldn’t help but feel the rising anxiety of not being out with his family. They had texted him to check how he was doing, showing that they really cared, and Bobby had asked him no less than three times if he felt like something had changed after getting off his medication. Eddie even called him from his 48 hour shift to retell some stories from the calls, but he still couldn’t shake the uneasy feelings. He finally had what he’d wanted for so long, but he also knew how it felt to lose it, and he knew he could lose it all again. After all, he was a lot to handle, and he was well aware of that, especially if they found out about this bullshit he’d been up to. Who would wanna deal with this? A 28 year old firefighter who couldn’t even keep himself from ruining his own body in one way or another, simply pathetic . Not that he’d ever say that about literally anyone else doing it, but other people probably have actual reasons for it. He was just being Buck, always up to something dumb.

He went on a long run on his third sick day, trying to ease the thoughts spiraling around in his head. His feet and his bad leg were churning as he ran and ran and ran, before he ended up at a random grocery store. The bench outside seemed inviting, and he really needed to sit down to breathe for a second. As he sat down and fished up his phone to check the time, he realised he’d been out for almost two hours. The dull ache in his bad leg made sense, but it reminded him even more of the worst months of his life and he felt his pulse go up once more. So much for running to take his mind off it. Now it only made things worse. He sighed and walked into the grocery store, feeling the neon lights hurt his eyes. He came back home with a bag full of cookies, chips and ice cream, and he shoved a packet of oreos down before even reaching his front door. So much for being more careful. 

He walked back into the firehouse the day after, knowing he looked worse for wear. It had been a long night and his eyes were sporting some pretty prominent dark circles. He had to put effort in to not show that his leg still bothered him a bit, as he couldn’t handle being benched again even if only for a few more days. Also, how would he explain why it hurt today? He couldn’t just tell them he’d been running for two hours last night when he was supposed to rest, that just wouldn’t fly. 

Hen greeted him outside the locker room.

“Hey Buck…are you feeling better?”

“Oh yeah, absolutely” he answered, despite knowing that she probably could see right through him. “Just a little lingering tiredness you know…I hope I didn’t get anyone else sick”.

“Don’t worry about that Buck, I'm sure everyone is fine,” Hen said, still eyeing him. “But are you sure you’re ready to be back? No one would blame you for needing some rest.”

“Oh I’ll be fine” He said with a fake smile. “I just wanna be back with you guys.”

“If you say so Buck,” she nodded, squeezing his shoulder. “But sit down if you need to”.

He smiled at her and they both made their way back up the stairs to have some of Bobby’s famous pancakes. It felt good to be back, like wearing his own skin again instead of somebody else's.

Bobby gave them both a big smile when they reached the top of the stairs.

“Hen, Buck, you’re just in time,” he said. “We already set the table”.

As Buck came closer he could feel Bobby’s eyes on him, but he just flashed him a smile and sat down at the table. Then came the next challenge; the pancakes. He couldn’t throw up today, not with everyone around. The few times he had done it at the station, he’d been the man behind or the last one to leave the locker rooms. He felt ashamed to even think about it when he knew he wasn’t about to binge, but after throwing up at a fucking dinner party he just couldn’t trust himself. So he carefully put a singular pancake on his plate and slowly cut it up. It tasted amazing, like always, but he stuck to slowly eating the small pieces. Bobby met his eyes from across the table, eyebrows raised in but somehow simultaneously frowning. Buck gave him a small nod and smile before looking back down at his pancake pieces.

“Ready for another one Buck?” Bobby asked, already pushing the pancake platter towards him.

“Um, I think I’m good actually,” Buck said, swallowing his last piece.

“Still feeling sick Buck?” Chimney asked him.

“No I’m all better, just think I should take it a little easy on the food for today.”

He knew that was the wrong answer to give when he felt Eddie’s gaze burn into his side, but at least the pancake stayed down. 

Chapter Text

Buck really shouldn’t have been surprised when Bobby asked him to join him in his office at the end of the shift. While he was usually quite careful before work, last night had not been pretty. He had thrown up a good few times too many, and he was really feeling the effects of that, as well as of his stupid run. His face was pale and his eyes sported dark circles much deeper than an all nighter should make them. The irritated, reddish marks on his knuckles stuck out like blood in snow and he cursed himself for not just using his toothbrush. He tried to hide his hand as much as he could but Hen noticed, because of course she did. He just said he’d scratched it while fixing something in his car, which made sense, since he’d always been kind of a klutz anyway, and thankfully she seemed to actually believe him. He couldn’t escape a light scolding about being careful however, but it made him smile. Unfortunately, his leg still bothered him as well and he couldn't move as fast as he usually did, something that was hard to explain away. Stupid run, stupid leg, stupid stupid Buck.

“How are things with you Buck?” Bobby asked as they reached his office. “You’ve been quiet lately.”

“I’m fine. I’m just a bit tired, you know. Nothing to worry about,” Buck said, doing his best to smile.

“Maybe you should see your doctor about that? You just got off the blood thinners,” Bobby said, looking over at Buck in a fashion that felt eerily similar to when he first told him about the blood thinners.

“I already had my last check up two weeks ago, Cap. Everything looked fine” Buck countered quickly, trying his best not to show the increasing feelings of both guilt and dread. “I’m pretty sure I told you about it already?”

Had he told Bobby about it? Yes of course. But had he left out the part where the doctor was concerned about his electrolyte-levels? That was a different question, which he wouldn’t answer. 

“Yeah you did it’s just, you seem different. You have for a while,” Bobby said.

“Everythings fine Cap, I just haven’t been sleeping as much as I should, you know.”

Buck really tried to tell at least some half-truths, as he knew he was a shitty liar, but he cursed himself when he saw the concerned look deepen on Bobby’s face.

“How long have you been having issues sleeping?” Bobby asked him instead. “Anything in particular keeping you up?”

“No no, my new neighbours are a whole new kind of party people..and there’s this new tv show I’ve been obsessing over,” Buck said, perking up his voice as much as he could. “There’s this guy in Estonia who is domesticating storks and…makes them do...a bunch of stuff.”

The half-truths rolled off his tongue, but he couldn’t seem to sound as interested or as enthusiastic as he usually did, and he could tell that Bobby could see it too. Fuck.

“You haven’t been yourself lately Buck. We’ve all noticed”, Bobby continued, eying him closely. “If there’s something on your mind, you know we’re all here for you.”

“I appreciate the concern Bobby, I really do. But it’s really no big deal.”

It was no big deal, he was just being a baby. Like always.

“I can tell something’s going on Buck, and I probably should’ve said something sooner. Maybe you should see a therapist again? I can set it up for you through the department,” Bobby said, ignoring Buck’s dismissal.

“No!” Buck said quickly. “Absolutely not, it’s nothing like that. Everything is fine.”

He didn’t need to see anyone. This would be over soon, just like last time. It was just taking a little longer than he thought it would. The idea of being back in the same office from two years ago also sent a chill down his spine that he really didn’t want to investigate further. 

“You barely reacted to the bell earlier, Buck, and you look worn out.”

“Yeah I just.. think whatever bug I had took more out of me then I thought it did. I’ll be alright soon enough,” Buck said, glancing at the clock. “But um, I kinda need to get going so…”

“If you say so,” Bobby sighed, clearly not satisfied with his answer. “But I want you to take the weekend shift off. You’re one of my best firefighters, but I need you to be strong and well rested.” 

“Bobby I can do the job just fine, it's really not necessary,” Buck said, feeling his anxiety rise higher again.

“You’re also someone I care deeply about, Buck, and if you’re not feeling 100% I want you to rest until you do. And I hope you know that you can always come to me if you need anything”

“Of course Cap, I know.” but not about this. 

He found Eddie waiting for him when he got down to his locker. He was leaning against his own, casually scrolling on his phone, but with his eyes constantly looking across the room in clearly faked nonchalance. For all his wit and quick remarks, Eddie had never been a good actor.

“Oh! There you are” Eddie said, putting his phone in his pocket. “What did Cap want?”

“He asked me to take the weekend off,” Buck sighed.

“And you said yes I hope?”

“I didn't wanna fight with him, so yeah. I really don’t need it though, I already took plenty of time off”.

“You haven’t been acting like yourself, Buck.”

“You keep saying that.”

“If this has anything to do with the bloo-” Eddie started

“I wish everyone would stop bringing that up.” Buck interrupted. “I had some clots, they found out why and now they’ve fixed it. I’m fine.”

“But you’re sad”

“I don’t know,” Buck sighed. “I’m just tired.”

“You’ve been just tired for a long time, Buck”.

“I’m sor-”

“I wasn’t trying to get you to apologize for anything Buck, I just want you to talk to me.” 

“I know Eddie, but I really am fine. I just need to sleep more. My new neighbors are party people, you know.”

He knew that Eddie did not, in fact, know that. Because there were no new neighbours, and there hadn’t been any parties lately. But they usually hung out at Eddie’s house so he just hoped he wouldn’t analyze it too hard. He was lucky, this time.

“Wanna come over tonight then? Have a sleepover and watch a movie with me and Chris. He misses you. He was kinda mad at me for having you sleep over after the dinner party while he wasn’t there.”

“You just want me to make omelettes in the morning don't you?”

“Well, that too. But I also want you to get some real sleep, man. You can have my bed again if you want. I’ll take the couch.”

Buck felt his cheeks flush, which should’ve been embarrassing, but he was honestly just happy to be truly feeling something other than shame or anxiety for the first time today. 

“Or we could, you know, just share again. I think we both slept pretty good last time too,” he said, feeling the flush spread to his neck. 

“Deal” Eddie said, smiling as a hint of a blush reached his cheeks as well.

The weirdest thing about the thing was how easy it was to forget sometimes. Even as his whole body hurt, watching a movie with Eddie and Chris still felt good and natural. He could almost pretend that his body was just aching from being tired and nothing else. Chris went on about a group project he’d been working on about bees and Buck loved the way his whole face lit up while talking about it. They were making posters and Chris wanted to go to the craft store tomorrow to get the same glittery bee-stickers that his friend Amy had. Apparently he’d made a new friend from the group as well and they were gonna have a playdate at his house next week. Buck made a mental note to research everything he could find about bees so he could offer some help. The evening was slow and nice, and Buck felt himself able to relax into the Diaz’s very comfortable couch. He even nodded off for a few minutes before being hit by a pillow. Very lightly, but still.

“Buck you snore,” Christopher giggled. “Really loud. And you’re missing the movie.”

“Christopher, you betrayed me!” Buck laughed along. “Eddie, teach your son not to hit people with pillows.” 

“It wasn’t me,” Chris said, giggling even more. “It was just my idea!”

Buck put a hand to his chest and gasped in mock horror.

“Eddie, how could you?!” 

“You were impersonating a lawn mower,” Eddie said, rolling his eyes before grinning. “Also, I know you need to sleep but there is pizza on the way and you need to eat too, you barely had lunch or breakfast at the station.”

“You have to eat breakfast Buck! Bisabuela always says it’s super important!” Chris said, still smiling.

“I know, your bisabuela is right,” Buck said, but suddenly it wasn’t so easy to forget about the thing anymore.

“That’s how you grow big and strong,” Eddie filled in, ruffling his son's hair and looking over at Buck.

Buck tried to laugh along, and still felt Eddie’s eyes burn into his side as he went on to tell Chris about his plans to make omelettes for them in the morning. He wished Eddie wouldn’t mention him not eating in front of Chris, but as long as Chris is smiling, he will take it as a win. The pizza stayed down too, so that was another win.

“Is it depression?” Eddie asked once the pizza was finished and Christopher had been tucked into bed.

“What?” Buck answered, confused.

“Do you have depression?” Eddie asked again. 

“...No” Buck said, less confused but with an uneasy feeling growing in his chest.

“You’ve been weird, you’re eating both slower and less…you said you’re not sleeping.”

“I would be sleeping right now if you and your little demon hadn’t thrown a pillow at me”

“Yeah sure, and then you’d still have an empty stomach instead.”

“We just shared a large pizza, and you saw me down several plates of food at Bobby and Athena’s just a few days ago. I literally just took it a little easy today cause I've been sick and don’t wanna overdo it.”

“You looked at the pizza like it was gonna hurt you.”

“Eddie, please. I’m fine”.

“Buck, I’m not stupid. Loss of appetite, moodiness, sleeplessness...You’re not well, and I really wish I’d said something sooner. But you need to let us in, man.”

Buck felt his heart rate go up. Who did Eddie think he was?

“Why do you all act like I’m some kid? I can take care of myself Eddie, I’ve done it for 28 years. I am fucking fine!” He grumbled, trying and failing not to raise his voice. 

“C’mon man. I know you’re an adult but you have to admit you’ve been running yourself to the ground man. Sometimes, you don’t know when to stop and look after yourself. Stop pulling away, please.”

Buck saw red. None of them trusted him. This was last fall all over again. 

“Says you, mister fight club” he said, getting up from the couch. “I’ll have you know that I've been in jail exactly zero times!”

He swayed slightly as he stood up but he didn’t let that stop him. That was it, he was gonna lose his job, his family, everything. Again. They would all leave his pathetic ass. Worst of it all was…they weren’t as wrong as he’d like them to be.

“Then I manned up and got fucking better.” Eddie said, his voice raised as well. “Cause that’s what I needed. For me and for Chris!”

“Only after Bobby forced you, when you had already been arrested.”

“Yeah, and maybe it’s time someone forced you. Cause something’s clearly very wrong here.”

“I’m fucking fine!” Buck said, grabbing his bag and walking to the door. 

Eddie didn’t reach for him, and Buck didn’t turn around to see the look on his face. He already regretted screaming at Eddie, and he hoped to whatever god he didn't really believe in, that Chris hadn’t woken up from it.

He swayed in his step another time on his way to his car, and he stopped at a 24/h grocery store on his drive home. 

--------------------------------------------

He woke up god knows how when on his bathroom floor, and the events of the previous evening spilled over him like a landslide. Why had he been so nasty to Eddie? All Eddie did was express concern, caring about him, and Buck just had to fuck it up again. He didn’t deserve Eddie’s concern. He probably hated him now. Maybe it was for the best though. If Eddie stopped caring, then he wouldn’t be hurt by Buck doing this shit. The pounding in his head only increased along with the guilt. How could he be so stupid? His phone was dead when he slid it out of the pocket and he had no idea what time it was. He didn’t have a shift, thanks to fucking Bobby, so he didn’t really need to now. As he tried to push himself up from the floor, he realised that his legs weren't cooperating. It should’ve made him panic, but he was too exhausted to care. Instead he opted to just lay his head back down on the floor and let his world go dark again. 

The next time he woke up, he felt a little better. He managed to get himself up from the floor to the sink to drink some water. After a couple more very long minutes he stood up on wobbly legs and waddled out of his bathroom to his kitchen. He grabbed a few bananas and a poweraid, downing them slowly. This was far from sustainable now, and it wasn’t as temporary as he’d thought, but he couldn't bring himself to get a grip and stop it like last time. It’s not like he could just switch to sex this time. Come to think of it, he actually hadn’t had sex in a very long time, hadn’t even taken care of it himself so to speak. That would’ve been unheard of just a year ago, but he couldn’t bring himself to care about it now. He did however recognise the signs of hypokalemia, so he downed as many bananas as he could and hoped for the best.

His banana fiest was interrupted by a loud banging on his door. 

“Buck!” Eddie's voice came through, before the apartment filled with the sound of rattling keys as Eddie unlocked his door.

“Um hello?” Buck asked, shocked to see Eddie again so soon.

He thought he had scared him off for good this time.

“Oh my god, Buck! I tried calling you fifteen times!”

Fuck. He had worried Eddie even more, and yet he still showed up, still cared. Buck felt even more like a shitty firend than he did before. He didn't deserve this. Not at all.

“Sorry I kinda blacked out when I got home and my phone is still dead," he explained, unable to really look at Eddie.

“Were you drinking?” Eddie asked, his voice uncharacteristically wary.

“No, I promise,” Buck said. “Just the one beer I had at yours”.

He wasn’t lying. For all his faults and bad habits, he’d sworn to himself to never handle his feelings with alcohol. He’d seen what it did to Bobby and he simply refused to go there. His reassurance didn’t seem to calm Eddie down however.

“Then why did you black out?” Eddie asked him.

“I think the sleep deprivation caught up to me," Buck said, still not looking Eddie in the eyes.

“Buck you can't go on like this.” Eddie said, his voice turning more into a plea.

“Look I’m sorry I didn’t mean to worry you” Buck said, grabbing Eddie’s arm and leading him to the couch, finally looking right at him. “And I’m sorry for yelling last night, did Chris hear us?”

“No he slept through it.” Eddie said, putting his hand on Buck’s knee. “But Evan, please. Something is wrong.”

Buck hated having this effect on people. Maybe he should just make Eddie hate him, but he was way too selfish not to have Eddie and Chris in his life again. So maybe it was time for him to actually tell Eddie at least another half truth. Just not the thing. No one can find out about the thing.

“I um…I guess you’re right. I have been down lately.” He finally said. “It’s not that bad though, I promise.”

Eddie looked at him like he still didn’t believe him.

“I’m sorry man, but um. It kinda seems pretty bad.”

“I’m handling it. I just hate when I feel like people try to tell me I can’t do my job, you know.”

“Well, that I do know,” Eddie chuckled lightly, but without his usual warmth. “But you know, you can’t keep it all inside man. Trust me.”

“I’m not gonna start fighting people or anything, don’t worry.”

“I’m more worried about you fighting yourself Buck.”

“What do you mean?”

“Have you been taking anything? Drinking?”

“What? No of course not”

“I just…you seem dizzy sometimes and your eyes have been a little bloodshot.”

“I um…I’ve been having stomach issues” Buck lied. “Just a lot of nausea and, eh vomiting and stuff you know”

“You haven’t mentioned that before,” Eddie said, eyebrow raised slightly. “Have you been to the doctor?”

“Um yeah…I was a bit embarrassed I guess.” Buck lied. “I have an appointment on…monday.”

“Okay…” Eddie frowned, seemingly convinced. “How long has that been going on?”

“ Just a few weeks, on and off.” Buck mumbled. “Probably just like an allergy to something.”

“Is that why you got sick at the dinner party?”

“Yeah…”

“Why didn’t you say so then? You said you had food poisoning.”

Buck tried to think of another lie.

“I just…I didn’t want people to worry…and you know how Bobby can be.”

“A bit overprotective?”

“Yeah…I don’t wanna get benched. Again.” Never again.

Eddie opened his mouth to say something, but seemed to change his mind.

“Please make sure you go to that appointment” he ended up saying instead.

“Yeah yeah I will.”

“And maybe talk to them about…how you’ve been down lately?”
“I um…I’ll see if it comes up.”

“Make it come up”

“I um…yeah sure.”

-------------------------------------------------

Buck: Doc says I’m fine, I've been taking NSAIDs which i apparently shouldn’t. Gonna stick to tylenol.

Eddie: You in pain? Is it your leg?

Buck: Nah, just headaches

Eddie: Which you are getting because?

Buck: Just stress she thought

Eddie: You gonna take it easy then?

Buck: Of course. How's Chris?

Eddie: He’s fine. What did she say about  the other thing?

Buck: Same thing. Stress. I’ll be fine. I promise.

There was no appointment, and neither was there any stomach issues, but Eddie didn’t need to know that. He should be used to Buck breaking promises by now. 

--------------

He got back to work on Tuesday, feeling a bit better. Eddie being on to him made him jittery, but he hoped that he’d swayed him enough in another direction to be able to hide the thing. He’d actually made it the rest of the weekend without throwing up and his face didn’t look quite as sickly pale as the week before, and his knuckles looked somewhat normal, albeit a bit dry. His reaction time was better and he’d rested his bad leg. Maybe he was actually getting over this thing now? hell yeah. 

“Ay Buckaroo, you’re looking way better,” Chim said as he walked out of the locker room. “Might have to send a picture to prove to my girlfriend that her little brother is actually alive.”

“Haha, very funny Chim.”

“For real though man, she’s been worried about you. And so have I, for the record”

“Well you really shouldn't be,” Buck said. “You two have enough on your plate with my niece or nephew on the way!” 

“Yeah I suppose we do,” Chimney said, breaking into a smile and fishing up his phone. “Hey we got a new sonogram on friday!” 

“He or she is gonna be super adorable,” Buck said, looking at the sonogram on Chimney’s phone. “Or they!”

Chim smiled at him, before laying his hand on Buck’s shoulder.

“I’m glad you’re feeling better Buck. Please give Maddie a call, she’s been really worried about you.”

“Thanks Chim, I will.”

“We’re here for you Buck, if you need anything.”

“I know Chim, thank you.”

“You’d tell me if something was wrong huh? Or at least Maddie?”

“Of course Chim, I promise.”

They were interrupted by Bobby shouting that breakfast was ready. Buck was happy to dive into something other than thinking about yet another promise he wouldn’t be able to keep. He knew his sister was worried, but he couldn’t tell her the truth. She had more than enough to deal with without taking care of his adult ass. He could feel both Eddie and Bobby’s eyes on him as he dug into his omelette, and made sure to get a second one for good measure. Both stayed down. Maybe the promises wouldn’t be broken again after all, and maybe he really did the right thing keeping this shit to himself. It went away, just like before. The thing was in the past…Until four days later when he found himself with his head over the toilet again, for no reason whatsoever.

Chapter Text

Buck tried. He really did, but he only made it four more days. It was frustrating. He couldn’t even pinpoint a reason for his binge this time either, it just happened. A drive home from a shift, that wasn’t even a particularly hard or even long one, ended with a detour to a bakery and soon enough he found himself downing an entire cake without really thinking about it, and he had his head over the toilet on autopilot once again. Eight days had he made it in total this time, which was long for him at this point. At first, when he was a kid, he was able to go weeks without it, only doing it here and there, but it got harder and harder to stay away. When he started back up with it this Christmas he convinced himself he could once again do it sparingly. He was only gonna do it for a few weeks and it was gonna go away soon, replaced by something else just like last time. It would have been fine, if the replacing actually happened. It never did.

His bullshit only continued to increase over the next few weeks, and suddenly a three-day streak was a win in his book. His family noticed him getting all weird or well, weirder. He told them he had an ulcer, from using NSAIDs. They seemed to believe him, but it landed him right back in Bobby’s office being ordered to take another week off. The effects of the thing were hard to ignore, especially when he was all alone, spiraling in his apartment and doing it pretty much daily. He had an emergency visit to the dentist for a tooth infection, and she’d looked at him with sad, sceptical eyes when he blamed the erosion of his enamel on acid reflux. It was also what he told Maddie when she’d asked him about his persistent cough that had slowly emerged. She was worried, he knew that and he hated it. She had way more important things to worry about, but now she was asking about nose bleeds, if he’d lost any weight and begged him to see a doctor. He couldn’t figure out what exactly she was worried about. She didn’t ask him a million questions about potential blood clots like everyone else was, nor did she seem to suspect he was doing anything like the thing. It felt like she was hiding something, but he couldn’t be mad at her for that. Not when he was doing this bullshit behind her back. He just tried to avoid her instead. He probably shouldn’t have underestimated how much Chimney told her though, because three days in on his week off he woke up from his nap on the couch to her knocking on his door.

“Maddie?” He said, trying to straighten up as much as he could as he let her into his apartment. 

“Evan…you look terrible.”

“Thanks Maddie,” he said dryly. 

“And so does your apartment,” she continued, looking at his sink filled with dishes and the countertop filled with candy wrappers.

Buck bowed his head. He knew it looked bad, but at least most of his binge from yesterday was in the trash. 

“I’ve been a bit stressed lately, I haven’t had the time to clean.”

“Evan…” She said. 

“No I’ve just been stressed, and um, my stomach lining is still healing.”

“And the doctors checked your CBC, and the diff?”

“Yeah and they were both normal,” he lied. “I told you this already.”

“I know, I know. I just worry,” she sighed, looking at him but not really seeming there.

Buck knew that look. The one that seemed to look right through him, and that popped out every now and again when they were kids, particularly whenever he landed himself in hospital or when their parents were mad at him.

“Hey now,” he said, grabbing her shoulder. “You have more important things to worry about right now. I’ll be just fine.”

“I’ll always worry about my baby brothers,” she said, giving him a sad smile.

“Last time I checked I was your only one?” he asked, returning her smile.

“Yeah, of course,” she said, pointing at her stomach. “Pregnancy brain.”

Buck gave her a soft laugh.

“Which is exactly why you shouldn’t be worrying about me. It’s just an ulcer, which I got cause I was dumb.”

“Yeah…I wish you would be more careful,” she said.

“I will be,” he said. “I promise”.

Bobby wasn’t happy with him when he entered the firestation after his week off. Buck sure knew that he looked like hell, but he refused to stay home for any longer. How could he when all he could do while alone was shoving his hand down his throat? He couldn’t exactly just say that however when Bobby gave him a questioning look and pulled him towards the kitchen area of the loft. So just gave his best innocent look as he could see the others moving about to give them some space. 

“Buck,” Bobby said, his voice stern. “I specifically told you to take more days if a week wouldn’t be enough.” 

“Cap, I’m getting treated for the ulcer. I’ll be fine! I’m just having some side-effects from the antibiotics but it looks worse than it is. I’m good to go.”

“I thought you said the ulcer was caused by NSAIDs? Why did they prescribe you antibiotics?”

“Yeah…I mean it was caused by h.pylori and then exasperated by the NSAIDs.” He said, relieved to find an excuse quick enough with his head swimming like this.

Bobby shook his head with a sigh, and turned his back to grab some shallots from the fridge. 

“Will you help me chop these?” He asked, much softer.

Buck felt confused at the sudden shift in tone but nodded and grabbed the chopping board. He saw Bobby grab the whisk and a carton of eggs in the corner of his eye. It was harder than it should be to chop the damn shallots, as the knife seemed to be dancing in front of his eyes a little bit. 

“I know you’re not fine, kid.” Bobby said after they’d been cooking in silence for a few minutes. 

“I’m…” Buck was about to say fine, but he knew it wouldn’t help his case so he went with an arguably worse response instead. “Not a kid”.

Bobby gave him a light chuckle at that. 

“You sure about that?” he asked, turning his head to focus on whisking the eggs. “I don’t think my wife would agree with you there.”

Buck rolled his eyes, but secretly felt warm inside. While he usually hated people treating him like a kid, there was something about his captain calling him that that tickled a long lost feeling of safety for him. He got a little too lost in that feeling however, as a sudden sharp pain in his index finger reminded him that he was, in fact, handling a sharp object without focusing. It didn’t bleed a lot, but enough to make the shallots unusable. He stared at the mess, not really registering what he should do next. 

“Buck?” Bobby asked. “Are you done with the- oh!” 

There was a paper towel being pressed to Buck’s finger within a few seconds. 

“Buck you have to be careful with the knife,” Bobby scolded him, without any real harshness, and led him over to the sink to wash the blood off.

“It’s not that bad,” Buck said, finally feeling more present. “Just like a paper cut”.

“You weren’t paying attention to the knife,” Bobby said, still holding his finger under the water. “And you did nothing to stop the bleeding. It’s concerning.”

“I…I just…”

“This is exactly what I’m talking about, Buck. This is not your normal spacing out. You cannot work like this, there’s something going on and don’t tell me it’s just the ulcer.” 

“Bobby I swear I’m trying.”

“I know you are, kid. But you have to know when it’s time to step back.” Bobby said, turning the water off and handing him another paper towel. “Here’s how we’ll do this. I want you to eat a full proper breakfast here, and then you’ll hit the bunks and get some actual sleep. You’re man behind until you've been evaluated by a doctor and a therapist. You working right now is not safe for you or the people we’re helping.”

Buck could hear Bobby’s words, and he could see his lips moving, but he couldn’t put the two together. The kitchen seemed to close in on itself, getting smaller and smaller. Has anyone ever been suffocated by a kitchen cabinet before? Maybe he’d be the first. It could be kind of cool to die while breaking a record. What the fuck? He felt Bobby lead him to the couch and sitting him down.

“It’s just an ulcer,” he finally managed to say, barely recognising his own voice. “I can work, I wanna be with you guys.”

“Kid. You’re not okay.” Bobby said. “And you shutting down like this doesn’t exactly tell me otherwise either.”

“I need to be in the field Bobby, that’s where I belong.”

“You’re gonna be in the field, Buck. You just need to properly rest up first. And you need to talk to someone. I don’t know what's going on with you, but you have to do something about it. You’ll be back out there with us before you know it. Now please, have some food and go get a nap. I’ll tell the others you’re sick.”

The team went on a call in the middle of breakfast, of course. While it felt good to escape their concerned eyes on him, it also made the whole thing so real. He’d majorly fucked it up this time and there was nowhere to run. The scrambled eggs barely tasted like anything to him, but he devoured them from both his own plate as well as the others. It technically was his job to clean it all up as man behind anyway. If he put them in the compost or in himself, who cares? Not him. It didn’t end with the eggs though. His mind kept screaming. He went through the cabinets, scarfing down anything he could find that wasn’t right at the front. It didn’t matter what it was, as none of it would stay down for long. The call was a big one, some pretty substantial fire downtown, the type of thing he would’ve loved to be a part of. Who knows if he ever gets to do that again? If they never clear him? Being alone at the station never failed to make him spiral, but it at least bought him some time to head into the locker room bathrooms, still nibbling on some chocolate he found in the back of a cupboard from god knows how long ago. 

He had half his hand down his throat in the middle of round three of vomiting when he felt a hand on his shoulder. His brain short-circuited. It actually happened. He’d been caught for real. How had someone gotten into the bathroom without him hearing it? Was it a ghost?The ringing in his ears wouldn’t clear and he couldn’t quite focus on figuring it out.

“Buck what on earth are you doing?” he heard Eddie say.

Buck didn't have time to answer before he once again gagged violently into the toilet. He knew purging in the station was risky, but he still wasn’t thinking clearly. Having Eddie kneel behind him while throwing up was still not something he had prepared for today, or any day, so he didn’t quite know how to react. His hand found his way back to his mouth, but Eddie pulled it back as soon as he touched his lips.

“What the fuck man?” Eddie said, holding his wrist. “Buck what are you…what the hell are you doing?”

“Leave me alone,” Buck rasped out, trying to move away from Eddie but he grabbed his torso and held him down.

“You’re…you’re making yourself sick.” Eddie muttered. “Of course you are.”

“No Eddie I’m not, I swear. It’s not what it looks like.” Buck said, desperate to make Eddie believe him. “Something was off with the eggs so I had to get them out of my system!”

“I tried so hard to figure out what was going on with you,” Eddie said, ignoring his lame excuse. “But now I can’t believe I didn’t connect the dots before”.

“It’s just a side effect,” Buck said as a last attempt to hide. “From the meds for the ulcer.”

“Oh? A side effect? Is that what they call eating disorders these days?” Eddie snorted.

Buck felt his heart drop. Eddie was never supposed to know about the thing. No one was.

“Eddie, I don’t have an eating disorder.”  

“The vomiting, the lack of energy, the marks on your hand…”

“Look, okay, I’ve been doing some stupid shit lately…but it’s not an eating disorder.”

“Oh so you haven’t been coughing up your meals then?” Eddie asked, eyebrow raised. “Then I wonder what the fuck I just walked in on?”

“I just, I- I don’t know..” Buck tried to think of a lie, but came up with nothing.

He found himself crying, and once again trying to get off the floor. Eddie kept his grip on him steady, holding him down.

“Buck,” Eddie said, softer now. “You can’t lie to me anymore. I know what's going on and I’m sorry. I just…I don’t understand. You’re a licensed EMT, why would you jeopardize your health like this for some weight loss that- that you don’t even need?”

Buck sighed. It wasn’t about weight for him, not really. Sure, he’d had other on-off issues with food throughout the years that were very much about his body, but this wasn’t like that. He’d go on a fad diet here and there and maybe spend a little more time counting calories and macros than what was necessary, but it was somehow untied to this…thing. He still refused to call it by a name. It was just a thing he did sometimes, definitely too often now, but still. 

“It’s not about that,” he said.  

“Isn’t that the whole thing?” Eddie asked, visibly confused.

“Not for me.”

“What is it about then?”

“I am…it makes my head shut up” Buck said. 

“Buck you could die,” Eddie said, jaw clenched. “Like actually die. I know you like to jump headfirst into dangerous shit, and I don’t like that either, but this is…this is something you do on purpose Buck.”

“I’m not gonna die Eddie,” Buck said. “It’ll be over soon.”

He had to bite his tongue not to add an ‘I promise’. Eddie eyed him up and down, searching for something in his face.

“I did it a bit in high school, but I got over it after a few months. It’s fine.”

“You never told me that,” Eddie said.

“I didn’t tell anyone. It’s been years,” Buck sighed. “But I stopped, and I’m gonna stop again.”

“This doesn’t exactly look like stopping Buck.”

“I know, I know.”

“Is this why Cap made you man behind?”

“No, he doesn’t know.” Buck mumbled. “You can’t tell him. He’ll bench me for longer.”

“You have to tell him, Buck!” Eddie said, his voice getting sharper again. “You could die”.

“I already told you I won’t die Eddie. And please, I don’t want him to know.”

“I won’t tell him. I want you to do it yourself. You need help Buck. Like, real help.”

“I’m going to, okay? Just give me a couple days. Bobby’s making me see a therapist anyway. I’m gettin help, and I’ll stop this bullshit, I promise. I don’t even do it that often. I really have mostly been sick from the ulcer.” 

Eddie looked him over, not seeming convinced. 

“You have two days to find a therapist, and send me proof that you actually made the appointment, or I’m telling everyone.”

“Deal.”

They sat like that for a few more minutes on the floor before hearing someone come up behind them.

“What’s going on in here?” Hen asked.

“I got sick again,” Buck mumbled. “It’s just a side effect from the antibiotics for the ulcer.”

“Buck…” Eddie started, but he closed his mouth when he saw Buck’s pleading eyes.

“If you’re vomiting you should be resting at home, Buck. In a proper bed.” Hen said, softly, sitting down beside them. “I know Bobby made you man behind but this is more than fatigue. Have you been back to the doctor?”

“I’ll make an appointment when I get home.” Buck sighed.

Their conversation got cut short by the alarm going off, and Buck took the opportunity to just leave.

Eddie knows. Eddie knows. Eddie knows. It was the only thing that went through his head as he drove home from the station. He didn’t know what to do. Seeing a therapist was a requirement to get back to work, but he wasn’t sure how much he could lie to them, and the thought of being back in that office…still made him feel nauseous. He’d probably throw up in the waiting room. All in all, everything had gone to shit, and he ruined everything. Typical Buck. It was hard to concentrate on the road. His head was still swimming, but he somehow still found his way to the grocery store. If everything was ruined, what was one more night of doing the one thing that made his head shut up? He usually tried to stay away from doing it more than one time in the same day, and now he was coming up on three. He wasn’t even surprised this time when he felt his head hit the floor in front of his toilet. 

He woke up later, probably the next day, to someone banging on his bathroom door. It was locked. All those years of couch surfing, one night stands and living with roommates had instilled the habit of always locking the bathroom door even whilst home alone. Now he didn’t know whether to be thankful or to curse himself for it. 

“Buck! For fuck’s sake are you in there?!”

“Buck, come’on!”

Fuck. It was Eddie…and Chimney? Yeah definitely Chimney too. Fuck. He didn’t know whether to try his voice or his legs, but the pins and needles in his feet made him clear his throat first.

“I’m in here,” he managed to rasp out.

“Can you open the door?” Chimney said, sounding less urgent than before but still far from calm.

Eddie stayed silent, or at least Buck couldn’t hear him. He tried to wiggle his toes, and thankfully it worked this time. He slowly crawled the few feet he had left to the door, and he thanked his ridiculously long arms for allowing him to unlock the door from the floor. 

“What the hell happened to you?!” Chimney exclaimed as the door slammed open.

Eddie continued to stay silent, but he was kneeling next to Buck in less than a second. 

“I got sick again,” Buck mumbled. “I think I’m just dehydrated or something.”

“Any blood? Breathing issues? Do your legs feel weird?” Chim listed off questions, while Eddie checked Buck’s pulse and breathing patterns. 

“No, no blood… my legs feel weird, but not blood clot weird- just shaky weird. Probably dehydration or…hypokalemia.”

“Hypokalemia? Buck, how much did you throw up?”  Chimney asked, looking at him in confusion.

“A lot,” Buck said, too tired to lie.

“And for a long time,” Eddie added for him with a glare.”You said you were trying to stop.”

“Stop what?” Chimney asked, looking between the two, but got no answer. “Have you been drinking? Drugs?”

Still no answer.

“You didn’t answer any of our calls, or tell us when you left,” Eddie said instead, his voice sounding empty as he hauled a blood pressure cuff from his bag. “Did you pass out?”

Buck nodded, there was no way he could lie and have them believe him.

“I’m sorry” He mumbled. “I would’ve texted that I went home, I just…wasn’t up.”

”Somethings seriously wrong here Buck, I’m calling 9-1-1” Chimney said, fishing up his phone. 

“No no no, no ambulance,” Buck protested.

“You need to go to the hospital Buck, they need to check you out.” Eddie said, looking Buck dead in the eye. “You’re not ignoring this!”

“Can’t you just drive me? Or do you need to go back to work?” Buck asked.

Chimney and Eddie looked at each other.

“I guess we can take you in Eddie's car, as long as you go to the E.R, and actually stay there for as long as you need,” Chimney finally said. “I’ll call Maddie so she can meet us there.”

“No no, there’s no need to worry her right now, I’ll be fine after some IV fluids.”

“Buck, you’d wanna know if she was in hospital right?” Chimney said. “Or if literally any of us was?”

“Well yeah, but she’s pregnant. She really shouldn’t be stressing over me right now, and neither should you Chim.”

“Stop acting like you don’t fucking matter!” Eddie exclaimed, raising his voice more than a little. “You almost died on us last fall. We had to watch you choke on your own blood. You’re not fucking allowed to do that again! I’m not losing you!”

Buck didn’t answer. He just started to cry.

“Hey man, what Eddie means is that we just really care about you. That’s all.”  Chimney said, his voice softer. “We all do.”

Buck stayed silent as Chimney and Eddie lifted him up to his feet from each side. His legs were still wobbly and he needed support to the point where they were essentially carrying him between them. Eddie looked away at anything but Buck as they moved through the building, out on the street helped him into the backseat of the car, but he sat down beside him when they were done, leaving Chimney to drive. 

“Are any of you gonna tell me what's been going on here?” Chimney asked whilst starting the car.

Buck didn’t say anything, as the world felt fuzzy again and he slumped against Eddie.

“Drive faster,” was all he heard Eddie said.

He felt Eddie try to hold him upright as his vision went out again. It felt surprisingly peaceful.

One hour, a few blood tests, an ecg, half a ringer acetate and a potassium drip later, there was nowhere for Buck to hide from questions. Turns out you get seen pretty quickly when you pass out with a nosebleed in front of the front desk and have a history of blood clots. Eddie had of course snitched to the nurse at intake, but Chimney had been parking the car and calling Maddie, so he hadn’t heard yet. Buck cherished the last few minutes he had left of not having everyone know about his disgusting secrets, but he knew it would end today. There was no more running from this. He most likely physically wouldn’t be able to, even if he tried to.

“Now are you gonna tell me what's going on?” Chimney asked once things calmed down in the room. “You’re scaring me Buck.”

Buck sighed. How do you tell your sisters boyfriend, who’s kinda like your brother, that you shove your fingers down your throat several times a week at 28 fucking years of age? Especially when you are someone who usually lifts people twice your own weight, runs into fires, climbs roller coasters and survives tsunamis? Pathetic.

“I um…I have been sick,” he mumbled, staring at some chipped paint in the corner of the door frame. “Just not like…the normal type of sick.”

“What do you mean?” Chim asked him, just as the nurse came back into the room.

“The psych consultant is coming to see you in an hour or so,” the nurse, who’s name Buck couldn’t recall, said softly. “How do you feel with the drip?”

“Better, thank you,” Buck said, smiling at him even though it didn’t reach his eyes. 

It was true, everything felt less fuzzy now even though he felt far from good. The nurse smiled back at him  and nodded at his company before heading back out into the corridor. Buck was just about to answer Chimney when a very distressed Maddie ran through the door.    

“ Evan ,” She said, hurrying towards him. “What happened? Howie said you passed out?”

“Sorry Maddie,” Buck mumbled. “It’s really not that bad.”

Eddie huffed from beside the bed, crossing his arms. “You passed out three times within an hour, Buck. It is pretty bad” 

“I just needed some fluids and potassium,” Buck said, ignoring Eddie’s glare. “I’m already feeling better.”

“What’s going on?” Maddie asked. “Evan, please. I know it’s more than an ulcer.”

Buck looked down at his marred knuckles and sighed. He couldn’t tell them, he just couldn’t.

“Buck, why do you need a psych consult?” Chimney asked, his voice lower than before. “What happened?”

The look on Maddie’s face grew even more concerned as her eyes flickered between her boyfriend and her little brother.

“Psych consult?” She whisper-asked. “What did you do?”

“Why don’t you take my seat?” Eddie offered, getting up from his chair and sitting down on the end of Buck’s hospital bed instead.

“Thank you Eddie,” Maddie said with a soft nod and sat down. “Now can someone please tell me what’s going on with my little brother?”

Buck felt Eddie’s gaze on him without needing to look, and he knew he couldn’t stall this any longer. Not when Eddie already knew the truth. 

“I’ve just been…I’ve been, um, throwing up sometimes,” Buck started.  

“Okay…” Maddie said, leaning closer to the bed. “And I’m guessing it’s not the ulcer?”

Buck tried to answer, he really did, but he couldn’t make himself say the words.

“There is no ulcer. He’s making himself sick,” Eddie answered for him. “Bulimia.”

Maddie’s eyes filled with tears again and Buck had to look away from her. Chimney opened his mouth in surprise but didn’t say anything. He just stared at both Buck and Eddie.

“Oh shit,” he finally said.

“Yeah, shit is what it is,” Eddie muttered.

“So, you knew about this?” Maddie asked. 

“Only figured it out literally yesterday,” Eddie said. “Found him in the act and I still had to drag it out of him.”

Buck wanted to disappear as they talked about him as if he wasn’t there. This was it, his nightmare came true. Now they would leave him to rot, and he had no one to blame but himself. Stupid stupid Buck.

“Buck why would you…why would you do that?” Maddie cried. “How, how long?”

“Just a few months,” Buck said, sinking into the bed, avoiding eye contact with all three of them. “I was gonna stop, but it's been a little harder than last time.”

“What do you mean ‘last time’?” Chimney asked.

“I did it for a bit in high school,” Buck mumbled. “I got over it.”

“Did you ‘get over it’ or just swap it for your Buck 1.0 sex addiction?” Eddie asked. 

Buck didn’t answer. He still couldn’t look at them. 

“Why didn’t you tell anyone Evan?” Maddie asked, softer this time.

“Cause it’s fucking dumb” Buck said. “I’m 28 and I can’t even eat like a normal person.”

“Buck,” Chimney said. “You’re not dumb, at least not about this thing, you’re sick.”

“Bobby’s gonna bench me for forever,” Buck said, tearing up again. “I’m gonna lose you guys all over again.”

“You’re not gonna lose anybody,” Maddie said, grabbing his arm. “You will still be Buck, no matter what happens, but you need some help, and it’s probably not a good idea to be working right now.”

“I fucking love you,” Eddie blurted out in the middle of Maddie’s sentence, sounding about as surprised to say it as Buck felt to hear it. “I- I mean…we all love you and you mean so much to us. So please, for the love of god, get your head out of your ass and let us in.”

Buck looked at Eddie’s face for the first time since he laid down in the bed. His eyes were red-rimmed like he’d been trying hard not to cry. 

“I’m sorry,” He said. “I never meant for any of you to have to deal with this.”

“You’re not something to deal with Buck,” Maddie said. “Everyone needs help sometimes. We just wish you would’ve told someone you were struggling.”

“I guess not telling anyone is a feature of the illness in and of itself also?” Chimney said, laying a hand on Maddie's shoulder and looking over at Buck. “And we don’t blame you for that. But now that we know, we’re gonna get you some help.”

“It’s gonna be okay,” Chimney said. “But try to be honest with the psychiatrist please?”

“I’ll…I guess I’ll try.”

Chapter Text

After his psych-consult, it was  decided that Buck wasn’t an immediate danger to himself, and that he didn’t need to be admitted to the psych ward. They were instead going to admit him to the CDU overnight for observation and to keep an eye on his electrolytes as soon as a room up there became available. Maddie grilled him on what the psych had said as soon as they were allowed back into the room, still red-rimmed around her eyes, and made sure to write down the numbers on his referral in her phone.

“And you will make sure to call them tomorrow? Or do you want me to call them for you?” She asked him, her voice sounding more assured and less frantic than earlier.

“I’ll call them myself,” Buck sighed. “I’m 28 years old.”

“Yeah you are, but…I know it’s been hard for you to talk about it, you haven’t told anyone willingly.”

“Yeah well, I guess this kinda scared me?” he said, unsure if he really meant it or not. “I wanna make the call myself.”

He should feel scared, he knew that much, but he didn’t feel much of anything other than shame at the moment. Especially when he could see the effect all this shit had on his family. Maddie had obviously cried, Chimney looked really sad and Eddie…Eddie looked exhausted, and like he had also cried. The three of them looked at each other before Maddie nodded.

“Okay,” she said. “But please tell me when you’ve done it.”

“I will,” Buck said, giving her a thumbs up. 

“We just want you to get well Buckaroo,” Chimney chimed in. 

“I know, I want that too,” Buck mumbled.

“Are you sure about that?” Eddie muttered, his voice sounding more strained than angry. 

Buck didn’t answer that. He just looked down at his marred knuckles and sighed instead.

“I’m sure Buck’s gonna do his best, isn’t that right?” Chimney said, patting Buck on the shoulder. 

“You’re sick, Buck. You can’t just turn it off, especially if you don’t really want to,” Eddie said, moving closer towards him. “And from where I’m standing, you haven’t exactly tried to stop it yet.”

Buck should feel annoyed, but Eddie’s broken voice made him swallow his annoyance.

“I’ve tried, I just…” he trailed off.

“Well, you’re not gonna have to do it alone, Evan,” Maddie said. “You should come stay with me and Howie for a while.”

“Maddie, I love you but I know you really don’t need somebody else to take care of right now,” Buck said, nodding at her stomach. “You’ve got way more important things to worry about with baby Buckley-Han on the way.”

“Buck you’re important to me, to us. I always have space for you.”

“It’s really no bother,” Chimney added with a sad smile.

“I’ll be just fine on my o-”

“Come stay with me,” Eddie interrupted him. “You shouldn’t be on your own.”

“I’ll really be fine.”

“I’m not asking,” Eddie said. “Also, Chris would love it.”

Buck blushed. Staying with Eddie and Chris would’ve sounded lovely, if only it had been for any other reason than people not trusting him not to ruin his own body. 

“Eddie, I don’t need to be babysat.”

“I think maybe you do.”

“No I-”

“Buck,” Maddie interjected. “You’re not going back alone to the loft right now. You can’t.”

Buck sighed and sunk deeper into the bed. 

“Fine.”

------------------------------------

Maddie and Chimney left the hospital once Buck was moved to the CDU,  only after Maddie had been thoroughly assured by a nurse that all his vitals were stable. Eddie stayed behind, promising Maddie to keep her little brother company for a while longer. Buck had protested, stating that he should be home with Chris, but Eddie waved him off saying that he was having a great time with his tía Pépa. It felt strange, scary and uncomfortable to have them know about the thing, but Eddie did make for good company, the best probably. Buck also had to admit that it felt good not to be all alone in the hospital.

“Were you really being honest with the psychiatrist?” Eddie asked him once Maddie and Chimney had left.

There was an available chair in the corner, which could easily be moved, but Eddie still chose to sit on the edge of the bed. Neither of them commented on it, and if the bed was a little too small to fit them both, it sure didn’t matter.

“Yeah, I was,” Buck said, resisting the urge to shrug and add an ‘I guess’.

“It just…I assume they asked you like, if you were thinking about…you know like…” Eddie seemed to really struggle to get the words out, something that wasn’t at all common for him.

“They asked if I wanted to hurt myself, yes. Which I don't." Not anymore, most of the time. 

“Do you promise?”

“Yes, Eddie. I do,” he said before grimaging. “You know what, I should probably stop making promises right now.”

Buck saw the flash of panic across Eddie's eyes before he quickly composed himself.

“Good idea,” Eddie said. “I just…I want you to tell me if you ever were to…want that. Or tell someone else.”

“I will,” Buck said with a sigh. “But I don’t think that’s…I mean I’m mostly just screwed up about food. At least at the moment.”

“At the moment,” Eddie repeated, shaking his head before moving even closer to him on the bed. 

“For the record, I want you to tell me too. When things are hard for you.” Buck said, enjoying the shortened physical distance between them. “I wanna know what’s going on with you too.”

“I guess we both kinda suck in that regard huh?” Eddie mused, his hand somehow ending up on top of Buck’s.

They sat in comfortable silence for a while. As much silence as there can be in a hospital ward, even if it’s just the CDU.

“You know they’re gonna kick you out eventually right?” Buck said after a few minutes. “I’m pretty sure visitation hours ended like…half an hour ago.”

“Yeah, but I’mma wait until they tell me to,” Eddie said. “Chris is taken care of, so I got nowhere else to be right now.”

Buck felt taken aback by how easily Eddie said it. Like it was obvious. 

“Eddie…Why do you care so much?” He carefully asked.

Eddie turned his head to look at him in silence for a few moments.
“Because, Evan.” He said, turning his head away but still squeezing his hand. “You act like you’re expandable. But you’re wrong, and I care about you. Always.”

Buck stared at his best friend, and forgot how to speak. Eddie said it in that special way that only Eddie could. The strange middleground between nonchalance, love and complete honesty.

“I care about you too, you know,” Buck said when he finally found his voice again..

“Oh I know that . I just don’t believe you care about you right now.” Eddie said, turning back to look at him again.

That worried look returned to his eyes, and Buck opened his mouth to dispute him, but he couldn’t. That would be too close to lying, and he was pretty fucking sick of lying by now.

“Are you sure it’s a good idea? Me staying with you guys?” He asked instead.

“Of course,” Eddie said. “Chris will love it. You do know how terrible I am in the kitchen.”

Buck smiled at that. 

“That is true,” He said, before frowning again. “I guess I’m just scared of like…rubbing off on him.”

“We don’t have to tell him all the details until he’s a little bit older.”

“But Eddie…I’m not gonna be able to just….I’m gonna slip up”

“I know Buck, that’s exactly why I don’t want you to be on your own right now.”

“But Chris…”

“Look, I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t do it in front of him?”

“No…”

“Then it’ll be alright. I told you there’s no one else I trust more with my son than you, and that still stands, no matter what.”

“I’m just scared he’ll be influenced somehow. He can’t do this shit, ever.”

That seemed to hit Eddie right in the chest. He frowned and jerked his head.

“Yeah it sucks when your loved ones hurt themselves huh?” He said, crossing his arms.

“Touché” Buck sighed. “I’m sorry, I never meant for it to go this far.”

“Don’t apologize, just work on getting better.”

“I will.”

----------------------------------------------------------

Buck slept like a log through the night despite all the sounds and commotion around the ward, but he still woke up exhausted. It was far from surprising, considering the day he’d had, and the fact that he’d been permanently exhausted for weeks now, but it still caused him not to properly look at the figure walking into his room. It was someone tall, and not dressed in scrubs, so of course it had to be Eddie coming to pick him up.

“Eddie, you’re early,” He said with a yawn. “They haven’t checked my electrolytes yet.”

“Not Eddie,” he heard Bobby’s warm voice say. “Do we need to get your eyes checked?”

“Bobby?” Buck asked, looking up at the man he’d come to view as a father. “What are you doing here?”

“Well, two of my firefighters disappeared from their shift last night to check on you.” Bobby said, taking a seat on the chair next to the bed. “We were all pretty worried. I asked them to keep me updated.”

“Oh,” Buck said, sinking into the bed again. “I um…”

“I wanted to come see you earlier but Chim thought it was best not to overwhelm you.”

Buck nodded, silently thanking Chimney for thinking of that. Having his best friend and his sister's boyfriend/pseudo brother see him like that was…enough for one night.

“They said you fainted, more than once,” Bobby continued, his eyes searching across Buck’s body like he was looking for something.

“Yeah, I guess I did.” Buck sighed, very much not excited to tell Bobby the truth. “Did they…tell you anything else?”

“No, just that it wasn’t a blood clot. But Eddie sounded pretty distressed when he asked for the week off to stay with you.” Bobby said. “You wanna tell me what’s going on?”

Buck swallowed hard. How bad had he scared Eddie with this?

“I don’t know how to tell you,” he admitted. “I’ve never, like, flat out told anyone before. Eddie just sort of found out.”

“I’m not here to judge.” 

“I know…It’s just…I know what you’re gonna do,” Buck said, looking around the room to avoid meeting Bobby’s eyes. “I know I can’t…work for a while, and it’s all my fault. This time.”

“I doubt it’s that simple, kid.”

“This job is…it’s my everything,” Buck said, feeling his throat close in on itself. “And I’m ruining it.”

“Buck, I’ve told you before. You matter, whether you’re working or not.”

“Yeah yeah, Maddie had a whole speech yesterday,” Buck sighed. “I’m just scared. I wanna be with all you guys.”

“And you will be,” Bobby said, laying his hand on Buck’s knee. “Now, please tell me what’s going on.”

Buck stared at Bobby's hand. The gesture, which in any other circumstance had been comforting, now felt like it was burning his skin. Bobby was gonna know him now .

“I picked up a bad habit,” he finally said. “Or well, re-picked it up I guess. Is that even a word? I feel like it should be. I’ll look it up later. Anyway, I didn’t think it was a big deal at first but now I kind of…can’t stop.”

Bobby’s eyes met his as he trailed off. He looked at him with sad, knowing eyes. 

“Buck, have you been…using anything?”

“What? No,” Buck said, shaking his head profusely. “No, no, I would never.”

He took another look at Bobby’s face and knew it was time to rip the band-aid off.

“I’m sick…like in-the-head-sick, which I mean, I guess addiction is as well? But that’s not what I have. Or maybe I should say substance abuse disorder? I believe it was on one of the EMT courses… is it offensive to say addiction?” Buck rambled on. “I’m sorry I said it if that’s the case.”

“Buck, it’s fine.” Bobby hushed him. “Just tell me what’s going on with you.”

“So um…basically, like, I haven’t gotten a proper diagnosis of it yet cause I only saw the psych guy for like, twenty minutes yesterday but he strongly thinks that I have…that- that I have…um he thinks I have an…” Buck stuttered a bit as he tried to collect his thoughts. “He said he thinks I have an eating disorder.”

As he said the words he felt like someone had peeled back his skin, like he was a six foot tall banana, raw and with all his flaws on display. He didn’t want to look for Bobby’s reaction, so he just kept on staring at the hand on his knee. Bobby didn’t move his hand, but Buck could feel the soft grip getting tighter for just a second.

“Oh,” Bobby said, moving about in the chair. “So…that’s why you’ve been vomiting?”

Buck nodded with a sigh before finally looking at Bobby’s face again. His face was stoic, just like Buck had expected, but he also noticed the tense jaw.

“Yeah, it’s gross, I know,” Buck said. “Gave myself hypokalemia.”

“That’s…not good,” Bobby said, and his voice sounded like it came from outside the room rather than right in front of him. 

“I’m better now, they’re letting me go home.”

“Buck, I’m sure I don’t have to tell you how dangerous this is?”

“No no, I know…and I guess this is where you bench me?” Buck mumbled, deflating back into his pillow.

“That’s what you’re worried about?” Bobby asked, and his usual softness returned to his eyes.

“You already made me man behind,” Buck sighed.

“Kid, I think we both know that you’re too unwell to work right now,” Bobby said carefully.

“Don’t worry…I know. I won’t sue anyone this time.” Buck said, sheepishly. “I ruined this all on my own. Fucked it up real good.”

“Buck, you will be back out there when you’re ready. I’m not gonna stand in your way this time, I promise you that,” Bobby said, before his face fell and his grip on Buck’s knee tightened once again. “Wait, did you…did this start during all the…during everything last year?”

“No, no no. It was much later, like after christmas.”

“Christmas? What happened during christmas?”

“I can’t really tell you why. Everything was so good for once but I still slipped right back into it.”

“You’ve done this before then?”

“In high school, just for a while. It went away on its own. Thought I could do it again but it just went on…and I ended up here.”

“Did you stop it before, or just swap it for something else?”

“That’s exactly what Eddie said,” Buck said, as he thought of the very many times his younger self had gone to sleep with his back all scratched up or with his backside too sore to sleep on. “Hey, did he really take a week off?”

“Yeah, he seemed…in distress. He said you’d stay with him for awhile.”

“Yeah…he doesn’t trust me on my own. Neither does Maddie,” Buck sighed, shame filling him again. “I guess I gave them quite a scare…again.”

“You did,” Bobby nodded. 

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault, you’re sick.”

“It kind of is though,” Buck sighed. “I did this to myself.”

“ Because you’re sick ,” Bobby repeated. “I just wish you would’ve told someone that you were struggling.”

“I didn’t think it would go this far.”

“I know Buck, and I’m sorry for not noticing.”

“You literally did notice, Bobby,” Buck said.

“Way too late,” Bobby sighed. “I’m sorry.”

“Hey if I’m not allowed to be sorry, then neither are you.”

Bobby gave him a smile at that. “I love you, kid.”

-------------------------------

Eddie looked like he hadn’t slept at all. He came to pick him up just as Bobby was leaving, his red-rimmed eyes from yesterday swapped for dark circles. Bobby must have noticed it too, cause he gave Eddie a big hug as he walked out the door, telling them both to call him if they needed anything. Buck felt his heart sink at the sight of his friend, remembering Bobby’s words from earlier. He didn’t want to be the reason his friends were hurting. This wasn’t something he did for attention, but that’s what it gave him, and it felt all kinds of wrong. Eddie still smiled at him though, his tired eyes lighting up a little. He helped him gather all his things and the new pamphlets from the psychiatrist, and they walked out from the hospital.

“You look like shit,” Buck said when they sat down in Eddie’s car. “Did you sleep at all?”

“A little bit,” Eddie said, waving him off. “I had some stuff to fix around the house.”

“We could have fixed it together, you know.” Buck said. “I’m not like, injured or anything. I can help out just fine.”

“Not this thing,” Eddie sighed, keeping his eyes on the road.

“Are you okay?”

“I…I’m scared.” Eddie admitted. “Seeing you pass out like that was…not fun.”

“I’m sorry Eddie,”

“We’ve been over this Buck. It’s not your fault, just let us help.”

“I’m trying.”

“That’s all I ask.”

They stopped at the loft to grab some of Buck’s things on the way to Eddie’s place. Buck felt Eddie’s eyes on him as he packed, especially when he packed things from his bathroom cabinet. He was a bit confused, but he shrugged it off. He had given Eddie quite a scare after all, and if following him around made Eddie feel better, then he wasn’t gonna stop him. The memories of Eddie being more or less buried alive were forever burned in the back of Buck’s mind, but it was hard to imagine his own demise having that effect on people. He just wasn’t used to people caring so much. 

“Do you mind if I hold on to that?” Eddie asked him when he packed his razor.

Buck looked up at him in confusion.

“Eddie, I’m not gonna do anything other than shave with it.” Was that why he was watching him so closely?

“I know, I just…please?” Eddie said. “It would help me sleep better. Just for a few days.”

“Um, okay, okay.” Buck said, handing him the razor.

Two days ago, he would’ve been mad, livid even, at the implication. But Eddie’s tired, sad face kept him calm. He really, really didn’t want to hurt Eddie more than he already had.

“You can hold on to it, but I promise the food thing doesn’t make me…want to… do that.”

“I um, I did some reading after I went home from the hospital and...”

“Oh so you did stay up all night?”

“That’s not the point. I just…I read a lot about people switching one bad habit for another and, you know...”

“Eddie,” Buck interrupted him. “Just take it. It’s fine.”

Eddie gave him a small smile at that, and they quickly resumed the packing.

-------------------

Buck took a walk around the house while Eddie put on a load of laundry, and Eddie’s anxiety was visible throughout it. The scale that usually inhabited the space underneath the bathroom sink was nowhere to be seen, and the cabinet didn’t hold Eddie’s own safety razor anymore. The chopping knives weren’t in their usual space on the kitchen counter either, and the medicine cabinet was locked, like usual, but with a different combination. Buck checked, just to make sure.

“What are you doing?” Eddie asked, frowning as he walked in to find Buck fiddling with the lock. “Do you need a painkiller?”

“Why did you change the combination?” Buck asked, eyebrow raised. 

Eddie bit his lip.

“Don’t make me say it,” he pleaded.

“Eddie, I’m sorry I scared you. But I’m fine now.”

“Don’t-” Eddie snapped. “You can’t seriously tell me you’re fine right now when we just got back from the hospital.”

“I got the fluid and potassium that I needed,” Buck snapped back. “I have issues with food but that doesn’t mean I’m gonna down all your paracetamol, or slice myself up with your knives.”

“How am I supposed to know that?!” Eddie said, raising his voice. “You didn’t tell me about your eating disorder until I literally caught you with your fingers down your throat, a few hours after which you had to be fucking hospitalised!”

“And I’m sorry about that, but that doesn’t mean I’m gonna do anything deadly ” Buck said, also speaking louder.

“How am I supposed to know that?” Eddie repeated, his voice smaller. “You pull stunts without a single thought for your own health all the time.”

“Eddie, that’s not the sa-.”

“Maddie told me about the accident,” Eddie interrupted him. 

Buck was taken aback. What was Eddie talking about? 

“What accident?” 

“On your bike,” Eddie said, his voice lowering again. “You didn’t break.”

Buck felt his head start to spin. He hadn’t thought about that day in a long time.

“Eddie that was years ago,” Buck said after a few seconds of silence. “I- I didn’t even know that Maddie knew about that part.”

“She said that’s when she knew she had to give you a way out.”

Buck swallowed. They had never talked about it, but he guessed it made sense. He sighed and pulled out one of the chairs around the kitchen table and sat down, facing Eddie.

“That was years ago,” he repeated. “I don’t- I swear I don’t feel like that anymore. When did she tell you?”

“Yesterday, when you were talking to the doctor.”

“Oh, that’s why you looked like shit when you came back in?” 

“ Yeah, I um…I kinda forgot how to breathe for a second,” Eddie admitted. “It was really embarrassing, though it was something with my heart first but Maddie and Chim calmed me down.”

“I’m so sorry,” Buck said. “I swear I didn’t mean fo-”

“Buck, please. Don’t apologise,” Eddie said, sitting down in the chair next to Buck. “It’s… There are so many of the people I served with that I haven’t heard from in years and I’m terrified to look them up. I know some of them are gone and that that is why. I just- I can’t lose another important person in my life. Watching Shannon die was…You just mean so much to me and I’m fucking terrified that I’m gonna come home one day and find you dead too.”

“Eddie I-”

“And Chris can’t lose another par- another important role model in his life!” Eddie continued. “I know you said the food thing was all there was to it but please, I can’t trust that right now. I just can’t. And , that could also kill you. If you’d been alone yesterday…you know what hypokalemia can lead to.”

Buck sighed again. He hated being the reason Eddie was so scared. It wasn’t how their relationship was supposed to be. They were Buck and Eddie , and it was supposed to be as easy as breathing. But now he had made Eddie forget how to breathe, and not in the good way.

“Okay, I can follow your rules. But, I also have a condition,” He said.

“Go on,”

“You said you forgot how to breathe. Has that happened before?”

“Once or twice,” Eddie said, shrugging. “Happened on a date once, super embarrassing. Never saw that girl again.”

“Have you told Frank about that?”

“It hasn’t come up.”

“Then I want you to talk to him, or someone else about it. So when I make my appointments tomorrow, you should make one too.”

Eddie sighed, but grabbed his hand.

“Fine. Deal.”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The first few days of living with Eddie and Chris were easy. They quickly fell back into just being a team. Buck let Eddie watch him while he shaved, and while he cut the vegetables, and it worked for the both of them. Eddie even tried helping chop some carrots once, but was quickly banned from all the cooking by both Buck and Chris. He really had no feel for appropriate carrot sizing, was the verdict from Chris, and Buck gleefully agreed. So he was stuck watching over Buck’s shoulder. If Christopher thought it was weird that his dad suddenly watched them every time they needed knives for a dish, he sure didn’t comment on it. It just became part of their weird routine, just like the bed-sharing, which Christopher didn’t comment on either. 

Eddie had told Chris that Buck was staying with them because he was sick, without mentioning any of the gory details, and that he needed extra hugs. Chris took this very seriously and took up the habit of “special breakfast hugs”. Buck couldn’t lie, it made everything feel a little bit easier. Having Chris around was a foolproof  way of getting him out of his head. It wasn’t a magic cure, far from it, but it always made things better.  Chris also got put to work by Eddie to scribble out or put stickers over the nutritional information on all their packages in the kitchen, which Buck told him was totally unnecessary, but Eddie had waved off. It wasn’t something he actually needed, since it wasn’t about that for him,  but it was still pretty heart-warming. 

Not everything was easy though. He couldn’t just forget about everything, even if it really helped not to be alone. While Eddie had made sure to hide away any large quantity of easy-access snacks like bread, cookies or chips. They still had them around, Buck just wasn’t supposed to know where they were. It was a tip from an internet forum, and he had to admit it was a good one. He did manage to catch a glimpse of a packet of cookies on top of the fridge though. The ceiling lamp needed a new bulb and when he turned his head, there it was. The shiny red plastic sang to him. He wasn’t even in the mood to…do it, but it somehow felt like a safety blanket to know where it was. Only, it wasn’t the good type of safety blanket. He didn’t touch it, but he did remember where it was. Then later at night, when Eddie was sleeping beside him, he would wander to the kitchen and just…touch the plastic. It would be so easy to just…down it all. Maybe he could find the other snacks too, or he could just chug a bunch of oats or something. God knows he wasn’t above that. But the light footsteps of a tired Christopher in the hallway stopped his spiraling, and he quickly moved to find out what he needed. The cookies stayed on his mind though, even as he climbed back into bed, this time with Chris, who apparently had had a nightmare, in the middle of them. When he woke up in the morning, he could finally think about something else.

He’d been staying with the Diazes for four days when Hen and Karen came to visit. Eddie and Chris went to get groceries right before they came, and Buck had a very prominent feeling that it was organised exactly that way, so as to not leave him alone. He didn’t know how to feel about needing to be babysat, so he chose not to think about it instead, leaving it for late-night overthinking instead. It was good to see them though, it always was, but it also felt like a final bubble to burst. They were the last people in their family to not know about the thing, and now it was time to tell them, time to be completely naked. Or, more like very vulnerable. He loved Hen and Karen like sisters, and he for sure didn’t want to be naked with them. He was already traumatised from finding Maddie in Abby’s shower. Maybe he should work on better metaphors that didn’t gross him out?

To say that they knew nothing about the situation though would be a lie however. Eddie must’ve given them some sort of rundown, or maybe Chimney had blabbed, cause they brought him a large bottle of apple cider.

“We got strict orders not to bring pie,” Karen said after giving him a big hug. “But I hope you like cider.”

“Of course I do,” Buck said, smiling at her. “I love cider, thank you. Come’on in, I’m gonna get us some glasses.”

He turned the bottle around, and sure enough; the nutritional information was scribbled out. Eddie must’ve told them to.

“So how are you doing? We miss you both at work,” Hen said, sitting down on the couch.

“I’m…not hypokalemic anymore at least,” Buck settled with as he poured his guests a glass each of the cider. “Do you want some cookies? I think Eddie hid some over the fridge.”

He didn’t think. He knew, all too well where they were and how many there was. Hen and Karen looked at eachother, having some sort of silent conversation. 

“I am allowed to have cookies,” Buck said with a sigh. “You don’t have to worry. What did Eddie tell you?”

“Just that you had hypokalemia, and that we should wait a few days before visiting,” Karen said.

“I suggested we bring some apple pie, but he didn’t think you should have one at home,” Hen added.

Buck sighed. It did sting to not be trusted, but to be fair he probably shouldn’t be left alone with a pie in the house right now. He could barely handle knowing about the cookie-packet.

“And the calories on the bottle too?” Buck asked. “Then I guess you probably don’t need me to tell you what happened. I think you already know.”

“We didn’t want to assume, but we can put two and two together,” Hen said, giving him her classic concerned smile. “I was already kind of suspecting, by the markings of your hand. I actually wanted to apologise to you, for not saying something sooner, before you fainted and had to go to hospital”

Buck shook his head. “I wouldn't have listened,” He said. “Don’t worry about it.”

 “We’re here for you Buckaroo, always,” Karen said, getting up to hug him again.

“Thank you,” Buck said, trying his best to smile. “I’m…trying.”

“Trying is good enough,” Hen smiled. “And I know few people as stubborn as you.”

Buck didn’t know how to answer that, so he just let her embrace him in her own big hug. 

“Denny made you a get well card” Karen said, pulling out a paper-card from her bag. “Christopher told him you were sick.”

“That’s so nice of him,” Buck smiled. “Tell him thank you from me.”

The card was blue, with a big fire truck in the middle of it, and a dolphin next to it. Buck would cherish it forever. He loved his family.

Chapter Text

The cookies did come back to bite him in the ass. It was the last night before Eddie was supposed to be going back to work again, and he had finally managed to convince Buck to call the psychiatry center to set up an appointment. It was time, Buck knew that, but the thought of calling them sent that eerie feeling down his spine again. Both Eddie and Maddie had offered to call for him, but he knew he needed to do it himself. He needed to prove to himself that he could take the therapy seriously, and that he wasn’t gonna fuck it all up this time. Last time he had been a different man, and he wasn’t gonna repeat his past mistakes. At least that’s what he tried to tell himself, but it was hard to fully believe it when the whole reason he needed the appointment was that he had fallen back into something he’d thought he was over. He still made the call, five minutes before the office closed, and suddenly he had a booked appointment for Thursday, way sooner than he’d expected. Eddie was pleased with him, and so was Bobby when he texted him the news. He couldn’t be pleased with himself though, not yet. He had to actually go through with it first.

Dinner slid down tastelessly, and there was a slowly increasing buzz in his ears that refused to budge. Christopher was telling him all about his school day and he did his best to smile as he listened. The last thing he wanted was to make Chris think that he wasn’t interested in what he had to say, it was just hard to be totally present in the moment right now. Eddie seemed to clock him however, as he soon felt his hand on his knee.

“Chris, why don’t you go pick out a movie for us to watch before we go to bed?” Eddie said, smiling at his kid.

“Yes! On it dad!” Chris replied with his usual enthusiasm.

He giggled as he picked his crutches up and made his way towards the living room to pick out a good movie, which Buck already knew would be Ice age. Again. For the third time in two weeks. Not that he minded, it was a good one after all. 

“You okay?” Eddie asked him when Chris was out of the kitchen.

“Yeah, yeah!” Buck said, swallowing the last of his pasta. “I’m alright, just really tired.”

“You sure about that?” Eddie asked, seemingly unconvinced. 

“Yeah…I guess I’m a little nervous about thursday. I didn’t think they would have a slot available this early.”

“I feel you,” Eddie said, nodding. “But you’ll make it through.”

“Thanks man,” Buck said, sighing softly. “I know the sooner I get better the sooner I can go back to work.”

“Of course that’s your primary motivation,” Eddie said, rolling his eyes. “But whatever gets you there is good.”

Buck waved him off with a half-smile and went to load the dishwasher.

“Whatever you say, princess. Now let’s clean up before your son gets mad at us for making him wait.”

The buzzing in his ears never stopped. It kept increasing in volume, and he felt that familiar itch underneath his skin. He remembered the cookies and their location all too well, and the very thought of them danced around behind his eyelids. It wasn’t all bad though, as the more he thought of that packet of cookies, the less he thought about his upcoming appointment. His body grew warmer as the buzzing continued and he removed the duvet just to cool down a little. No other reason. None at all . Maybe he should go get some water in the kitchen though? Was that a bad idea? It probably was, but now he suddenly felt very thirsty.

He slowly stepped into the kitchen as quietly as he could, but he never turned the water on. Instead, his feet carried him to the cabinet where the cookies were, and suddenly the packet was open without him really registering it. He was painfully aware that Chirstopher was only a few feet and a piece of drywall away. It should be enough to deter him, stop him, or at least make him go outside to do it instead. But he just couldn’t. He’d already been trying so damn hard and he was tired.  

The cookies went down quickly, one by one, and he wouldn’t be able to tell you what flavor they had. They were just means to an end. Once the packet was empty he felt his own hand move to the other cabinet almost by itself, and before he knew it he was scarfing down plain oats with his hands straight out of the bag, just like he thought about a few days ago. Maybe he should’ve told Eddie about that before, but then again, what would he do about it? They can’t just lock the pantries. Not with Chris there at least. 

Before he knew it, he was on his knees once again, with his throat burning and his eyes watering, feeling utterly disappointed but also so damned relieved. He hadn’t felt a release like this since the night that put him in the hospital, and as ashamed as he was to admit it, it felt like coming home. It hurt, of course it did, but the anxiety from before followed the cookies and the oats down the drain.

The relief was short lived though, and his disappointment in himself multiplied by ten instead when he heard a soft knock on the bathroom door. It was way too soft to be Eddie’s. He really fucked it up this time. Stupid stupid stupid.

“Buck? Are you okay?” Christopher’s voice rang through the door. “Did you get sick?”

Buck cursed himself as the deja vu flooded over him. Chris sounded so much like his father sometimes and it reminded him of that first time he got caught. The night at the dinner party, many weeks ago now.

“I’ll be okay Chris, sorry if I woke you up. You can go back to bed. I’m just…coming down with a stomach bug. Let’s hope you and your dad don’t catch it.”

“Don’t worry Buck, I’ll go get dad. He always knows what to do when I’m sick,” Chris says.

Buck bit his tongue. He wanted to stop him, to tell him to just go back to bed and that he’d be fine, but he really didn’t want to make Chris complicit in this bullshit.

“Yeah, yeah. Thank you Chris. You really are just like superman huh?”

“Yeah, Duh!”

He heard Christopher giggle, and the subtle sounds of his crutches moving across the floor. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. It didn’t take long before he heard a much stronger knock on the door.

“You have 30 seconds to open the door before I kick it down,” Eddie said from the hallway. “I’m not joking.”

Buck quickly braced himself and scooted towards the door to open it, revealing a very disheveled Eddie.

“Buck…” Eddie said, kneeling down in front of him. “What happened?”

“Just coming down with a stomach bug,” Buck mumbled, not wanting Chris to hear anything else.

Eddie raised an eyebrow, before he nodded and held his hand out for Buck to grab.

“That’s unfortunate,” he said. “Let’s talk more in our room.”

Buck nodded and let Eddie help him up, not catching the fact that Eddie had called the bedroom theirs. He wasn’t as wobbly as he’d been other times, but he didn’t always have the best balance getting up from the floor after vomiting so he wasn’t about to take any chances. Tumbling to the floor wouldn’t just scare Chris and Eddie, it would probably end him back in hospital as well.

“Buck, I got you water,” Christopher said, appearing behind Eddie with a glass of water in his hand, only using one of his crutches.

“Thank you, Superman,” Buck said, tearing up at the gesture.

Eddie’s face softened as well, breaking into a smile. 

“That’s very nice of you Chris,” Eddie said, grabbing the glass and handing it to Buck. “But I think it’s time for you to go back to bed. I’ll come tuck you back in in a minute, alright?”

“Okay, feel better Buck,” Christopher said, flashing him a huge smile before turning around to walk back to his room.

“Thank you, Chris,” Buck said after him.

“Drink up,” Eddie said, nodding at the glass still in Buck’s hand. “Any dizziness?”

Buck shook his head.

“No, no I’m fine,” he mumbled.

Eddie snorted.

“Let’s just get you back to bed buddy, then we’ll talk.”

Buck sighed with a nod, and slowly started walking towards Eddie’s bedroom, while Eddie went to Christopher’s room to tuck him back in.

Eddie wasn’t gone long before he came back into the bedroom, carrying another glass of water. 

“He’s sound asleep,” he said, joining Buck on the bed. “I got you some more water.”

“Thank you,” Buck said, not really wanting to look him in the eye.

“Hey,” Eddie said, softer now, grabbing Buck’s shoulder. “What happened?”

“I just- I don’t know…” Buck said, taking a sip of the water to put off answering for a few more seconds. “I um…I found a packet of cookies a few days ago and tonight I just kinda…lost it.”

“Why didn’t you wake me up?” Eddie asked, his tone a little sharper. “I told you to tell me when things get hard.”

“It’s not that easy,” Buck sighed. “I was kind of on autopilot.”

Eddie sighed too, keeping his hand in a secure grip on Buck’s shoulder. 

“You need to tell me when you feel that way Buck…that’s why you’re staying here and not on your own.”

“I know…I just…I can’t just stop, it doesn't work like that.”

“I know that,” Eddie said, squeezing the shoulder. “Were you going to tell me that it happened? Afterward?”

“I don’t know,” Buck groaned. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Eddie said. “But please, please tell me if it happens again. Or when you start to feel like…doing it.”

Buck nodded.

“I’ll try,” He said, yawning slightly as the lack of sleep caught up to him.

“I’ll call out today,” Eddie said. “We can stay in, watch a movie or something. One without sloths and mammoths”

“Eddie no, ”Buck said, shaking his head. “You can’t keep missing work to babysit me. I’ll be fine on my own. Also I happen to really like Ice Age.”

Eddie put his head to the side and gave him the look again. The one that said; are you fucking kidding me?

“I can and I will,” Eddie said. “I’m not leaving you alone right after you had a relapse.”

“I don’t know if you can call it a relapse yet…I haven’t really started recovery yet. Don’t get ahead of yourself.”

“You are so not helping your case,” Eddie said, crossing his arms.

“Eddie, I have gone this long between doing it before. It’s not…I’m not better. I just had a better week. But I’ll be fine. I got the appointment and I promise to try my best but…you have to trust me here.”

“I do trust you Buck…but you are sick, and sometimes you’re not thinking clearly.”

Buck tried not to feel hurt by that, but it was hard. It felt like another harsh reminder of everything that went down a year ago..

“Eddie, you can’t babysit me forever. If you think that this is gonna take a week or two, then you’re not thinking clearly.”

“I know that,” Eddie said. “But don’t you think tonight is kinda different?”

“I fucked up Eddie, I know. But the thing is, I’m gonna keep fucking up! That’s how this shit works.”

“It doesn’t have to.”

“But it does!” Buck interrupted him. “I pulled my bullshit out, with Christopher in the next room. He heard me! Next time he might even see me! What happens when he figures out the pattern? When it starts to seem normal to him?”

“That won’t happ-”

“Oh but it might. Then one day when he’s upset or overwhelmed, he might remember what his dads friend used to do, and try it for himself. He could get stuck in this bullshit, and it would be my fucking fault!”

Buck felt his heart rate skyrocket again as he pressed his eyes shut. He fucked it all up. He would drag the most important people in his life down with him if he stayed any longer. The bed beneath him got fuzzier, and he somehow felt like he was slowly but surely floating away from it.

Eddie’s hand on his chin pulled him back into his own body again.

“Buck, Buck!” Eddie said.”Stop spiraling.”

“I think,” Buck started, opening his eyes back up to look at Eddie. “I think it’s best if I go back to my place. I can’t pull you guys down with me.”

“Buck,” Eddie repeated. “You’re not pulling anyone down. I’ll say it again; you are sick. It’s not your fault. And you’ll beat this. I know you will. And we’ll explain this to Chris when he’s ready.”

“But Eddie I ca-”

“But what I refuse to do, is coming into your loft one day to find you in cardiac arrest on your bathroom floor.”

“You won’t.”

“I could.”

“Eddie…”

“You belong here, with us. You being sick changes nothing between us.”

“I’m…trying.”

“That’s all I ask. Now lay down. You need to sleep”

Buck did as Eddie said, keeping his eyes on him. They laid down, facing each other, the previous tension fading away as Eddie traced his fingers across Buck’s arm.

“We’ll get through this together, okay?”
“Okay.”

Eddie did end up going to work the next morning, much to Buck’s surprise and delight. It felt good to be a little less of a showstopper to Eddie’s life. However, after Eddie had taken Chris to school, and Buck had been alone for no less than ten minutes, there was already a knock on the door. He walked out into the corridor, thinking Eddie might have forgotten something, but when no keys were rattling he went to open the door. There was no Eddie behind the door, instead there was Athena, carrying a large paper bag filled with what looked like groceries. Of course, Eddie had found him a babysitter.

“Athena! Hi,” he said, happy to see her but also slightly nervous.

He hadn’t seen her since before his trip to the hospital, but he was fairly sure Bobby would have told her what was going on. No one wanted to keep secrets from Athena. She just had that ‘tell me everything you know’ kind of aura to her.

“Hello, Buckaroo.” Athena said, smiling at him. “How are you? Bobby told me you went to the ER.”

“I’m…doing better than then,” Buck answered, sheepishly. “How are you? Do you wanna come in.”

“That’s good to hear,” Athena smiled, stepping inside the house. “I’m doing just fine thank you, but staying home from work just isn’t my thing and I know it’s not exactly yours either.”

She made her way into the kitchen and put the large paper bag up on the kitchen counter. “I thought we could bake some bread and make some lunch together.”

“Did Eddie call you to come babysit me? Or was it Bobby?” Buck asked her. 

“They did mention it would be your first day alone, both of them.”

She looked him over, her eyes seeming to analyze his body for…something. Signs of illness probably.

“Well, it’s really good to see you Athena, it really is. But I’m sure you have better things to do today,” Buck said, sighing. “I can manage a couple hours on my own.”

“As if I haven’t been cooped up at home for way too long Buckley,” Athena said with a smile, shaking her head. “I got the sling off my arm months ago, yet Bobby refuses to let me cook. Here’s my chance.” 

“Sounds like Bobby,”

“Bobby likes to protect the people he loves,” she nodded. “He goes a little too far sometimes, but he always means well. And so does Eddie.”

“I know,” 

“And they’re not the only ones who care.” 

“I…I know that too,” Buck mumbled. For now. “I’m very lucky to have all of you.”

“We’re lucky to have you,” Athena said, putting her hand on his shoulder. “Let’s get started on some lunch then? I brought things for a potato leek-soup. I’d like to finally see you show off those new cooking skills you’ve been bragging about.”

“Sounds lovely, Athena,” Buck smiled, bending down to get the big pot from the cupboard. 

“Do you wanna cut up the potatoes while I get started on the broth?” 

“I um…I don’t know where the knives are,” Buck admitted. “You’re gonna have to give Eddie a call to ask. He doesn’t want me to know where they are right now.”

Athena raised an eyebrow.

“I didn’t know about that,” she said, her voice still soft. “Have you been struggling with…wanting to hurt yourself?”

“Not really. Not like that,” Buck said quickly. “It’s just the food thing, but Eddie’s been real scared and I just…wanted to make him more comfortable. I already gave him quite a scare, you know. I’m pretty sure he had a panic attack at the hospital.”

“Well, it’s good to hear that that isn’t part of your struggles right now,” Athena said. “I’ll call upp Eddie to see where they are.” 

“So how are you really doing, Buck?” She asked him once the soup was ready and they sat down to eat. 

“I um…” He started, staring at the soup in front of him. “It’s been… a bit rough. I mean like, um, how much did Bobby tell you?”

“He told me the basics. That you’ve been struggling with bulimia and that you’re gonna stay with Eddie and Christopher for a while while you start your treatment.”

“Yeah, that’s pretty much it,” Buck sighed. 

“Eddie told me you had a bad night, but he didn’t say what happened.”

“Just a small relapse,” Buck said, feeling the soup run around in his stomach. “Or I don’t know if you can even call it a relapse if you’re barely in recovery yet? Like, just cause people found out about it doesn’t really mean that everythings changed. Except that all my friends and family know my deepest, darkest secret now I guess. That is quite different, like, I’ve been worrying so much about you guys finding out and now it just happened and I keep waiting for people to get mad at me and send me on my way but you haven’t so it’s just…I don’t know.”

He kept staring at the soup as he ran out of breath. His rambling barely made sense to his own ears but as long as he was moving his mouth, he didn’t have to sit in silence with his thoughts, feeling Athena’s all-seeing eyes on him.

“Anyway, it wasn’t like, that bad, but I promised myself not to do it with Chris around…and yet I did.” he continued on.

“Did he see anything?”

“He’s the one who found me in the bathroom,” Buck said, his lungs filling back up with shame once again.

“And did he know what you were doing?”

“I hope not. I locked the door so he didn’t like, see anything. I told him I had a stomach bug, so I just hope he doesn’t think anything more about it.”

“What else have you told him?”

“Eddie told him I’m staying with them because I’ve been sick and sad. And he’s been involving him in covering all the nutritional information on pretty much everything in the whole kitchen.”

“Buck, he’s nine years old. I doubt he knows why you were doing what you were doing. You can explain that when he’s ready.”

“I know, it’s just- I’m terrified of like, fucking up his relationship with food or normalising any of this. I think I'd rather die than have him do this shit.”

“Hmm,” Athena hummed. “I understand the impulse, wanting to protect your children. You have to realise though, that you are doing to yourself exactly what you’re scared of him doing?”

“Yeah, Eddie said the same thing. It’s just…it’s different when it’s him, you know?”

Buck said, not even recognising the fact that Athena just referred to Christopher as his child.

“Oh, I know a thing or two about having your children be in danger,” Athena said, meeting his eyes again.

“Right…I um…I heard about what happened with May before. I’m- I’m so sorry, that must’ve been terrifying. I can’t even begin to imagine,” Buck said, feeling a chill go down his spine at the idea of May attempting suicide again.

Athena nodded, and put her spoon down.

“Buck, when I almost lost May it was the worst day of my life,” she said slowly. “And I saw that feeling reflected in Michael’s face, of course. But I also saw that feeling in Bobby when you were laying under that firetruck, and I felt it myself when you started coughing up blood in my backyard. And seeing you do this to yourself, it feels the same.”

Buck stared at her in confusion, blinking but not breathing. What was she telling him?

“What I’m trying to say is that you’re one of ours, Buck,” she said, putting her hand on top of his. “May put it into words at Christmas actually. That while I brought two kids into our marriage, Bobby also brought one.”

Buck continued to stare at her. Was this real? Was he dreaming? Had he actually passed out in the bathroom yesterday and been thrown into some alternate reality?  This was…exactly what he wanted but also what he didn’t deserve. At the same time, Athena's kind eyes on him slowly grounded him.

“Athena I…I don’t know what to say,” he said, feeling his face get warmer. “You guys mean so much to me, I can’t believe you would see me as…one of you.”

“You don’t have to say anything Buck, just let us love you,” She smiled. “If that’s what you want, of course”

“Of course I do,” Buck said, breathlessly. “I love you guys too.”

Thursday came faster than he would’ve liked, and the waiting room at the psych center had a weird vibe to it. Buck knew that the soft gray couches, wooden chairs and plants in the window were meant to be calming, but the white walls and fluorescent lighting wasn’t exactly easy to cancel out. It felt clinical in a way that little pinterest-inspired decor details couldn’t exactly change. There were quite a few people waiting, as there were multiple therapists working in the same office. He didn’t really look at any of them though, instead opting to let his eyes wander across the ceiling and down to the floor and then back again. He didn’t want to look at Maddie sitting beside him either, but he could feel her eyes on him. Eddie had offered to drive him, but Maddie was already off and he really didn’t want Eddie to spend any more of his PTO on him. Neither of them trusted him to go alone, which was probably for the best, considering how badly he just wanted to get up and bolt. 

His name was called by a woman in a red cardigan just as he was about to go pee for a third time since they got there. Her voice was gentle but strong and she shook his hand with confidence, introducing herself as dr.Copeland. She told him he could call her Cassandra if he wanted though. He didn’t, but he let her call him Evan. If she didn’t call him Buck, then this wasn’t really happening to him he figured, cause he wasn’t Evan. 

He followed him to her office, a smaller room with light green walls and two red armchairs in the middle of it. It felt homier than the waiting room, way less clinical. He liked it. There was no couch this time, which put him more at ease. The armchairs didn’t have room for more than one person.

“You can sit down if you like, choose whichever chair you want,” Dr. Copeland said.

Buck nodded, taking the chair which faced the door. 

“So, Evan, who was the woman sitting next to you in the waiting room? Did she bring you here?”

“Yeah um, she’s my sister,” he said, “Maddie, she drove me here.”

“That’s nice of her, are you two close?”

“Yeah…now we are,” Buck said, giving her a small smile. “She’s great.”

“That’s good to hear. It’s important to have a good support system,”

“Yeah I, um, my family is great,” he said. 

“That’s lovely,” She said. “Now I got your referral from the emergency psych, and I had a little look in your chart this morning. I want you to know that coming here is a big step, and you should be proud of yourself for that.”

“Thank you,” Buck said, sinking deeper into the armchair and trying his best to relax. 

“Now could you tell me in your own words what brings you here today?”

Buck swallowed hard. 

“I um, I have…bulimia I guess,” he finally managed to say. “And I would like to… not have that. It’s been kinda blowing up my life.”

“It tends to do that,” Dr. Copeland nodded. “And you’ve taken the first step today.”

“Yeah I…I guess.”

“Have you tried therapy before?”

“Not for this,” he said, closing his eyes. “But I did, a couple of years ago.”

“And how did you find that experience?”

“It wasn’t great,” he said with a grimage. “I um…I really fucked it up that time.”

“How do you mean you fucked it up?” Dr. Copeland asked, frowning.

“I just- I don’t-” he tried to speak but the words got stuck in his throat. “I was a different person back then…a bit of a sex addict.”

Dr. Copeland clearly did her best to keep her face neutral, but her eyebrows gave her caution and confusion away.

“And was this what you were there to work on?”

“No, no, it wasn’t. I um, had a traumatic thing happen at work and I really didn’t want to 

talk about it so…when she sort of got close to me on the couch I took the opportunity to not talk about it.”

“And by that you mean…?”

Buck looked away, and felt his face get red. 

“I slept with her,” he said, shoulders deflating. “I know I shouldn’t have, but I had a hard time keeping it in my pants back then. I- I’m not the same man anymore though.”

“Evan…I’m so terribly sorry that that happened to you.”

“What do you mean?”

“It’s very much against our code of conduct to have any type of relationship with our patients. You were in a vulnerable position and she took advantage of that.”

“But I…I wanted it. I was crying and it made me feel better, I think.”

“That doesn’t make it okay Evan,” Dr. Copeland said, before dropping the bomb on him. “That’s still sexual assault. I’m so sorry,”

Buck felt the room get smaller, as his tongue got bigger. Dr. Copeland’s voice sounded farther away, or maybe that was because of the ringing in his ears? This wasn’t supposed to happen. That day had been his fault, he had wanted it. He wasn’t the one to initiate it sure but…still. It was during his horny years, when he could barely keep it in his pants, but he also remembered what made him have so much sex in the first place, what it had replaced.

Suddenly he very much understood what Eddie had told him about not being able to breathe.

He could barely look at Maddie in the car on the drive back to Eddie’s place. He had failed. They had to reschedule the rest of his appointment, and he walked out of there without a diagnosis or a treatment plan.

“Are you gonna tell me what happened?” Maddie asked him after they’d been sitting in silence for half the ride.

“I already did,” Buck said, still not looking at her. “I had a panic attack like, five minutes into the fucking thing.”

“Yeah, I know that. But why?”  

“We were just talking about some stuff and I guess I realised something that I…think I rather wouldn’t have.”

“About your illness?”

“No…not this time,” Buck sighed, unsure if he wanted Maddie to know or not. “Something happened the last time I tried therapy, that's all.” 

“Which was?” 

“I actually don’t think you want to know,” Buck said. “And it was a long time ago anyway.”

“I wanna know what happens to you Buck,” She said. “You’re my brother, and I love you.”

Buck looked out the window. The last thing he wanted to do was put stress on his very pregnant sister, but he had also promised to be honest.

“I slept with my therapist,” he finally said. “In session. I was crying and she kissed me and I…followed suit.”

“Buck…”

“And um, don’t freak out but Dr. Copeland, the therapist i had todat, said that it basically counts as sexual assault.”

Maddie’s breath hitched and the car slowed down. She quickly recovered however and pulled over to the side to look at him.

“That’s…I had no idea.”
“Yeah well, neither did I.”

Maddie put her turn signal on and pulled over to the side of the road. 

“When did this happen?” She asked him, after a few moments of silence.

“My probie year. I was…well you know how I was.”

“That doesn’t make it okay.”

“I…I guess I know that now. But like, I haven’t really thought that much about it since then, other than like…I was scared I was gonna do it again you know?”

“Is that why you were so nervous in the waiting room?”

“Not the only reason.” 

“I’m- I’m so sorry. Does anyone else know about it?”

“That it happened? yes.” 

“Did you report it? Where was this?”

“It was a department therapist…all I know is that she doesn’t work for them anymore. But I never realised what it was, you know?”

“Buck I…I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay, it was a long time ago.”

“Doesn’t make it right, and it clearly still affects you.”

“I…guess I…know that now.”

“It’s gonna be okay.”

“Yeah, yeah. Sure.”

Eddie nearly smashed his coffee mug against the kitchen counter, still spilling coffee all over both the counter and the floor.

“ During the session?” He said. “I- I thought it was before?”

“Yeah, well. It was during.”

“For fuck’s sake,” Eddie exclaimed. “People- people joke about it!”

“I mean, it’s not that often. It’s whatever, and you know how I wa- or actually, you don’t know how I was,” Buck sighed. “The others do, that’s why.”

“Still! Doesn’t make it right! You could be the horniest person on earth and it still doesn’t make it right.”

“I know that, now, but it’s fine. It was years ago. Today just…took me by surprise, that’s all.”

Eddie stared at him like he had three heads. He looked bothered, guilty almost.

“Is this why you took forever to book the appointment?”

“No…maybe? A little I guess.” Buck said, looking away from Eddie’s gaze. “It’s fine.”

“You…binged and stuff after you made the appointment.”

Buck didn’t answer. He just nodded.

“Did you…do anything when you got home today? Before I came home?”

“Maddie stayed until I went to pick up Chris from school.”

“That doesn’t answer my question.”

“No, I didn’t.” Buck sighed.

“Okay, that’s good. That's good.”

Eddie’s voice sounded strained, and he finally sat down at the table. 

“Did you want to?”

Buck sighed. He didn't even really know the answer, but he knew Eddie was worried. 

“I don’t know,” he said, getting up from his seat at the table to get a towel from one of the cabinets. “But I didn’t.”

He carefully started cleaning the spilt coffee across the counter. 

“You don’t have to do that,” Eddie said, appearing right behind him. “I’ll do it.”

“I want to,” Buck said, continuing the cleaning.

Eddie sighed behind him and got the mop out, wiping the floor. They cleaned the mess together in silence, until the last bit of coffee was gone.

“Did you book your own appointment?” Buck said when they were done. “Like you said?”

Eddie sighed beside him. 

“Yeah. Monday,” he said. “It’s my day off.”

“Good,” Buck smiled. “That’s really good.”

Buck walked out of the rescheduled appointment a few days later with two brand new diagnosises; bulimia nervosa and clinical depression. Neither were a surprise of course, but it still felt weird to get it on paper. It made it all very…real. What felt even weirder was the prescription for fluoxetine he got, which he knew Eddie might want to lock up in the kitchen. Despite the weirdness, he had gone through the entire session without taking his pants off or having a panic attack, and he allowed himself to feel proud. He didn’t fuck it up, not this time.

Karen met him in the waiting room when he came back out. It was her turn to babysit. 

“How’d it go, Buckaroo?” she asked him, smiling softly.

“It was fine,” Buck nodded. “I um…it’s all on paper now, so we can start the treatment…and stuff”

“That’s great to hear,” Karen said. “Let’s get out of here, shall we?”

“Yeah, could we swing by the pharmacy on the way back? I got a prescription to fill.” Buck answered, lowering his voice a bit.

He didn’t want the whole waiting room to hear his business. Sure they were all there for similar reasons, but still. Some privacy still felt nice.

“Of course, we’ll swing by the one by the bank. Is that good?” Karen said, her voice lower as well, taking the hint.

“Perfect,” Buck said, nodding. 

Karen felt safe to be around. He didn’t know her quite as well as he knew Hen, but they had always been good friends, bonding over their shared interest in obscure facts. Karen also didn’t know about the whole…wells thing, and it felt good not to have that knowledge colour the atmosphere today. She just knew that the last appointment had ended in a panic attack, hence the need for someone to join him, but that was it. 

“No panic attack this time?” Karen asked as they sat down in her car.

“No, no this time was fine,” Buck answered, yawning a bit.

The appointment had been…long.

“So, what did she say? If you want to tell me.”

“She diagnosed me with bulimia and depression,” Buck said, yawning again. “I got what feels like a hundred folders and stuff.”

“And the treatment?” Karen asked, her voice soft.

“ I’m gonna try CBT, and she prescribed me some fluoxetine.” 

“Antidepressant?”

“Yeah,” Buck nodded. “Serotonin selector something inhibi-whatever.”

“And how do you feel about that?”

Buck sat quietly for a second. He hadn’t really had time to reflect on it.

“I don’t…know. It feels strange in a way,” he started. “Like, I don’t always necessarily always want to get better, but I know I have to and I hope this helps.”

“I hope so too,” Karen says, smiling at him. “I really, really want you to get better. For you and for all of us. We love you you know-”

“Thank you Karen. I love all of you guys too. I can see what I’m doing to Eddie and…I don’t want that.”

“Then you work on it.”

“I will.”

“Now do you want me to come with you to fill the prescription?”

“You can wait in the car, I know you wanted to call Denny.”
“Then we do that, I’ll be right here okay?”

Buck smiled at her and got out of the car.

FIlling out prescriptions wasn’t something Buck was new to, but this was the first time he went in for a psychiatric medication. He wasn’t ashamed, not like that, but it felt a little strange. It’s not like he had a sign over his head that said ‘BULIMIC! BEWARE!’ but part of him felt like it. As he worked up the courage to walk up to the counter to actually pick the meds up, he strolled around for a bit, putting some other useful things in his cart. He got some toothpaste that his dentist had recommended when she saw the damage to his enamel a few weeks ago and some nice hand soap that smelled like freesia. Eddie loved freesia. He’d never really said it, but they had once had freesia scented dish soap at the station and Buck had seen the way Eddie had leaned in and smiled at the sink.

He was on his way out with everything, prescription and all, when he layed eyes on the aisle for stomach issues. There was a bottle of laxatives right in his line of sight and he felt his heart rate speed up. Maybe he could have one on hand, just in case, like a security blanket? Just in case he really couldn’t help himself…it would be less obvious and spare his teeth. It surely had to be better than puking all the damn time? Maybe? He quickly went back to a different counter to pay for it before he could talk himself out of it. His cheeks were burning red, but the cashier didn’t bat an eye, she just told him to read the instructions on the box carefully.

Karen was done talking to Denny when he got back to the car, meaning he must’ve been in there for quite a while.

“Everything alright?” she asked as he sat back down inside.

“Yeah yeah..just a long line,” He answered, feeling the little packet of laxatives shift inside his left pocket. “Everything is fine”.

Chapter Text

So, I know some of these scenes are a little awkward, and to many people also a little gross. But I wanted to include them since it is a big part of many people’s ED, but very rarely talked about.

Eddie actually didn’t lock up all the medication, much to Buck’s delight. Instead, they put a week's supply of them in one of the weekly pillboxes that he’d used for his blood thinners over the last year. He had kept one of the boxes at Eddie’s house at the time, of course, but he didn’t know that Eddie had kept it around. It had been tucked away safely with his name taped onto it, in the same drawer that held the two LAFD sweaters that Buck somehow always forgot to take home. The sight made Buck feel warm inside, way more than the californian heat usually did. 

The pillbox was neatly kept in the nightstand in the bedroom. Grapefruit was quickly banned from the house and he now had reminders on his phone both to actually take the meds and to stay away from grapefruit. Eddie kept insisting to have the knives and razors locked away for a little longer still, pointing out the reported heightened risks in early treatment with SSRIs. Buck felt slightly irritated, but he let it go. He could feel the worrying ooze from Eddie’s body, and if he could help in lessening that, he would. Besides, he still felt guilty enough about the other pills hidden in the pocket of his denim jacket which Eddie didn’t know about, so he could let him have this one.

What did annoy him however, was Eddie’s continued reluctance to leave him alone. 

“It’s just that we don’t know how you’ll react to the meds,” Eddie said, like it was obvious, and maybe it was, but it didn’t make it any less annoying.

“I’ll take my first dose before you leave, if I have an allergic reaction it should happen right away,” Buck argued, feeling his patience grow thinner.

“Yeah but…I just think you should have someone around.” 

“Eddie, please. You can’t stay off work forever just cause I’m a little nutty.”

“It doesn’t even have to be me. I know Bobby really wants to see you. It’s been over a week since you saw him, he’s worried too you know.”

Buck raised an eyebrow in confusion.

“He’s also got work. You’re literally on the same shift. That’s how we know each other.”

“But he wants to see you, and he also happens to have unused PTO,”

“Which he shouldn’t spend on me!” 

“I think he should spend it on whatever he wants. Besides, he already offered. You’re gonna tell him no?”

“But he shouldn-”

“I’ll drop you off at their house on my way to work, alright? Just for this shift. Please?”

“Fine. But only for your peace of mind. I’m gonna be just fine.”

Eddie nodded and smiled at him, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes.

Being at Bobby and Athena’s house usually felt warm and just like home, but this time he felt a little uneasy. The last time he was here he’d purged in their bathroom after not even binging, and the last time he saw Bobby was at the hospital. Heck, the only reason he was here was that his family didn’t trust him to be alone.  He knew that they just cared, but it felt a little overwhelming and…embarrassing if he was being completely honest.

Bobby was welcoming as ever though, giving him a proper hug as he stepped inside the door.

“It’s good to see you outside of a hospital gown again Buck,” he said, smiling.

“I was only there for one night, Cap,” Buck protested. 

“Still, you’ve already spent too much time in those,” Bobby said with a soft chuckle. “Do you want some tea?” 

“I could do a cup,” Buck said, smiling through his uneasiness. 

“I’ll go get us some, why don’t you sit down on the couch in the meantime,”

Buck probably should’ve offered to help, and any other time he would have, but he still felt a bit uneasy, almost anxious, so he just nodded and walked towards the fluffy couch. He let his eyes wander across the room he’d been in so many times before. It felt different this time, and it kept him tense.

Something caught his eye on the shelf underneath the coffee table. Half-hidden behind a newspaper, was a pamphlet on shiny but creased paper, worn in the corners like it had been opened and closed many times. When your child has an eating disorder, it said on the front. He felt his heart swell as he remembered Athena's words to him from the week before; ‘We see you as one of our own’. While he was touched to his core at the proof of her words, it also weighed on his conscience as it reminded him of how he was hurting those around him by hurting himself. It was a very new and very strange concept to him. Next to the pamphlet, under the same newspaper, there was a book with at least five book marks sticking out of it. Eating disorders in men. Bobby and Athena were taking time out of their day not just to see him, but to learn about his…stuff. He didn’t really know how to feel about that. They cared about him, great, but that meant he really needed to get his shit together. If only it wasn’t so damn hard.

His thought-spiral came to an end as he heard footsteps coming out from the kitchen and before he knew it there was a hand on his shoulder.

“Find something interesting?” He heard Bobby say.

“Uh…sorry I didn’t mean to snoop or anything.”

Except he kinda did. Like, definitely.

“If we were trying to hide these we would’ve actually, you know, hidden them.”

Buck gave a light laugh at that. At least Bobby wasn’t mad at him for it.

“Yeah yeah that’s- I guess that’s true.” Buck mumbled with a shrug.

“Took a page out of your book and did some research,” Bobby said with a soft smile.

“I would usually do it online though,” Buck countered, feeling his heart beat a little too fast again.

“I figured,” Bobby said, still smiling.

“Bobby you don’t have t-”

“Shh, nonsense,” Bobby waved him off. “I gotta know what goes on with you. We want to be able to help you.”

“I appreciate it Cap, I really do,” Buck said, feeling his eyes go slightly misty. “I’m sorry for worrying you. It wasn’t supposed to become a thing you know.”

“You don’t have to apologize for having a problem, Buck,” Bobby said, holding up the tea cups. “Let’s sit shall we.”

“I know it’s just…I didn’t realise it would affect others so much.”

“Your health matters to the people who love you Buck, just like their health matters to you.”

Buck stayed silent for a few moments. He just sat down on the couch and sighed.

“I guess I’m new to that; mattering to people.” 

Bobby looked at him in his weird half-smile/half-frown kinda way.

“I guess you’ve just had the wrong people in your life then Buck.”

He knew he put himself in this situation. He had no one else to blame. The other pills worked. They worked way too fucking well. He felt dizzy as he held onto the sink and just let it happen. It hurt like a bitch, it really did, but it was all his own fault, like always.

He was supposed to be home alone. He had done the calculation over and over in his head but it still took too long. Stupid inaccurate instructions. Or maybe his math skills really were just abysmal? Nah it definitely still took longer than the leaflet said. He’d even started to think that maybe they just didn’t work at all, but boy was he wrong on that one. A quick visit to an internet forum which his therapist absolutely wouldn’t want him on confirmed that yes, that happens a lot. Great. All he could do now was to hope Eddie wouldn’t notice. Or maybe he should just tell him? No, this was a one time thing. Really. It didn’t do what vomiting does. He’d be lying if he said the pain didn’t give him something though.

A light knock on his door pulled him out of his haze. Fuck fuck fuck. How long had he been in there?

“Buck? You okay man?”

“Yeah yeah! I’m fine, go back to bed. I’ll be back soon.”

Eddie didn’t sound convinced, but seemed to let it go for now.

“Okay, I’ll wait for you.”

“You really don’t have to,”

“Yes I do, see you soon.”

Buck sighed before wincing under his breath once again. 

Eddie put his phone down as Buck tiptoed back into the bedroom for the third time.

“Look, Buck. I don’t wanna embarrass you, but are you okay? You’ve been in and out of the bathroom like, all night.” he said.

“Yeah yeah I’m fine…just you know…side effects from the meds. It’s in the pamphlet. I know you read it.” 

Eddie looked him over, seeming to search his face for something. He didn’t look convinced.

“Yeah I know that,” he said. “Still. Maybe you should talk to your doctor about it?”

“I will, it’ll get better soon.” 

“You weren’t like…vomiting again right?”

“No, you’d’ve heard that.”

“I know, I just…I care, you know.”

“I know.”

It wasn’t a one time thing. But he didn’t throw up at all, so he still counted it as a win. 

He was really lucky that it actually was a common side effect of his medication. It was common enough to surprise him that he hadn’t had any problems without the laxatives. While he had calculated a better timeframe the second time, Eddie still managed to come home early, meaning that he was caught again. As embarrassing as it was, at least it didn’t seem too suspicious considering the timing with the medication. It still had him blush like crazy though, which come to think of it, might actually be a side effect. 

The lack of suspicion only lasted a few days though, until laundry day. Eddie had been gathering their jackets for a wash and Buck could see it happen in slow motion. The white and blue bottle fell out of his pocket and landed on the floor. He must’ve closed the lid incorrectly, because of course he did, as it shot open and filled the floor with the little pink pills. 

Eddie picked the bottle up and looked back at Buck with his eyes wide open.

“Laxatives?” He muttered under his breaths. “Of course it was fucking laxatives,”

“I- can explain!” Buck tried but without any real heat to it. 

This wasn’t something he could lie his way out of, and he knew that.

“Explain how?” Eddie said, breathing faster. “You haven’t exactly been backed up Buck.”

Buck felt his face go hot again. Damn, he really fucked this whole thing up.

“Have you been doing this all week?” Eddie asked, without waiting for an answer. “You’re not getting better at all are you?”

Buck approached him slowly, trying to touch his shoulder.

“No, no I am it’s jus-”

“It’s not just anything!” Eddie exclaimed, his voice sounding more strained now just like his breathing. “You’re dying!”

Buck didn’t know what to do. He’d never seen his best friend like this before, and it scared him. Especially knowing that it was all his fault. He reached out for his shoulder again, giving it a light squeeze. 

“I ca- I- I can’t lose another one,” Eddie hacked out between his laboured breaths. “Y-You could die and I didn’t- I didn’t even fucking notice.”

“Eddie, I’m not gonna die,” Buck said, running his hand across Eddie's back. “You’re not gonna lose me. I’m doing better.”

“You’re not! You’re lying,” Eddie whisper-yelled. “You’re not getting better, you just switched methods. Fuck! I thought I had thought of everything!”

“I- I’m sorry Eddie, I…” Buck trailed off, running his hand across Eddie’s back. “Hey, breathe with me,okay? In and out, slowly. You can copy me.”

He exaggerated the sounds of his breaths to make it easier for Eddie to follow, trying his best to visualize the square-breath thing he’d found online. They sat like that for a good few minutes, and Eddie’s breaths slowly evened out as he was pressed up against Buck.

“Dad? Buck?” Christopher’s voice came from the doorway. “What’s going on?”

Buck looked up and saw him standing outside the now very slightly opened door.

“Hey Chris,” Buck said softly, reaching out his arm to invite him onto the bed with them. “Your dad is gonna be okay. Do you wanna come here?”

Chris took a few slow steps towards them and climbed up on the bed. He sat down with them and joined their hug.

“Sorry if I scared you Chris,” Eddie said, his voice still scratchy and weak. “I uh…I had, it’s called a panic attack.”

“What’s that?” Chris asked, frowning.

“It’s when your brain gets really really scared, and it can make it hard to breathe for a bit. But it’s not dangerous, just really scary.” Buck explained, rubbing Eddie’s arm.

“Like when you got home to me and mom in Texas? You would have the nightmares when you were awake?”

Buck felt his heart break at that, seeing the both of them with teary eyes. He almost felt like he was intruding on a moment of theirs, but Eddie was leaning all his weight on him so leaving them alone wasn’t really an option. To be really honest he didn’t want to do that either. He wasn’t sure he would ever wanna let Eddie go again.

“Yeah, like that. I’m so sorry I scared you buddy,” Eddie said, kissing his son’s forehead. “But you don’t have to worry, I’m okay. Buck helped me.”

It was also my fucking fault from the beginning - Buck wanted to say, but he didn’t want to reveal to much to Chris. He just hugged them both really close.

Buck carried a sleeping Chris back to his bed and carefully tucked him back in. He looked at his peaceful, sleeping face and felt a tug at his heart knowing that he would have to explain his illness to him one day. The idea of shattering the image the little boy had of him was nerve-wrecking, but he also knew he had to be honest. Christopher deserved honesty. 

He left the sleeping Christopher in his room and went into the kitchen, putting on some water to boil and getting two cups from the cupboard. As he went to get the teabags, he heard Eddie’s footsteps behind him.

“Thanks for putting him back to bed,” Eddie said, sitting down by the table.

“No problem, really. You can go back to the bedroom, I was just making some tea for us,” Buck said, smiling softly at him. “We can have it in there.”

Eddie shook his head. 

“I don’t want you in the kitchen alone Buck.”

Buck bit his tongue. He knew he royally fucked up this time.

“Look Eds, I’m sorry,” he said, sitting down next to Eddie. “I hate to do this to you.”

“I want you to hate doing it to you, ” Eddie said, rolling his eyes.

“I know it’s just…hard.”

Eddie laid his hand on top of Buck’s.

“Don’t apologize. Relapses are literally part of the illness. That’s what all the articles say, I just…I hadn’t considered that you would use laxatives.”

“I’m still sorry I caused you to panic.”

“Not your fault, I’ve just got some fucked up wiring in here,” Eddie said, pointing at his temple.  “But I can’t lose you Buck, and neither can Chris. You belong with us. And if this is the direction you’re going…then we might.”

“You won’t, and you’re not fucked up. You just got some issues to work through…How often does this happen?”

“It’s not that often. It happens when things are extra shitty, like right when I got back from the army or when Shannon passed or…” Eddie lowered his voice, “or when my best friend is slowly killing himself.”

Buck swallowed and looked at his hands. His knuckles weren’t marred anymore, and he didn’t have any new cuts from working. It somehow made the white scar on his right ring finger even more apparent. He didn’t even remember what that one was from.

“Look I- …I just got them as like a security blanket of sorts. But then I just…did it and it…I don’t know. It really didn’t do what I wanted it to, but it was better than nothing.”

“I still don’t understand what it does for you?”

“It’s usually quite a heat of the moment kinda thing you know…to get me out of my head. Sometimes my hands just reach for food to shove down my throat on autopilot, and then I just have to get rid of it.” Buck sighed and looked back up from his hands. “This is a hundred times slower so it really doesn’t do a lot. But I’ve grown to kinda like the feeling of…emptyness. It calms me down.”

“So um…how many times did you take them?”

“Just twice,” Buck said with a grimage. “I didn’t plan for any of it to be when you were home but I miscalculated the timing the first time and then the other night you came home early so...”

“Right…so I could’ve missed it completely,” Eddie sighed. “Did you… binge before?”

Buck shook his head.

“No…this takes way too long for that. I um…I actually took them to avoid binging, I figured it might be better. If I binge I have to …you know , right away.”

Eddie blinked at him.

“Buck this is not better. If you do this regularly you could fuck up your intestines for life . And you could very well get dehydrated or hypokalemic again.”

Buck sighed.

“I know…I’m sorry. I didn’t really think this through.”

Eddie nodded and scratched his neck. He really looked awful.

“Buck…maybe you should go to a program or something, just for a little while.”

“No, no. I know it’s hard to believe me considering everything but…I don’t need that. Not yet at least.”

Eddie sat quiet for a few moments.

“We’re getting rid of the pills, and I’m taking another week off.”
“You don’t ha-” Buck started but Eddie’s eyes boring into his soul made him change his mind mid-sentence. “Okay, maybe it’s a good idea.”

Eddie nodded. 

“I need to know that you’re at least on the right path. And please, for the love of god,  I need you to be honest with me. I’m trying to be honest with you.”

Buck swallowed. He knew it was only fair, but it still felt like a slap to his face. Eddie was right. He couldn’t keep this up, but it was so hard to go without it.

“I know Eddie, and I’m really proud of you for it. I’ll- I’m gonna try to be more honest too, okay?”

Eddie smiled at him before sighing. 

“I just…I need to know when you’re struggling. Please, please talk to me when you feel the urge to do this.”

“I’m sorry Eddie, I’ll do my best.”

“I know.”

“Eddie, you look exhausted. Let’s get back to bed. I’ll be fine, I haven’t taken any today, you don’t have to worry.”

“How am I supposed to know?”

“Cause you have two days off. I wouldn’t use them when I know you’re gonna be home. I may be dumb, but there are limits.”

Eddie studied his face, which really showed off his now very reddish eyes.

“Okay,” he finally said. “Let’s go to bed. But I’m locking these up and they’re going back to the pharmacy first thing tomorrow.”

Buck sighed. He knew it was for the best, and they didn’t really give him what he wanted. But it still felt safe to have them, just in case. He hated what it did to Eddie though, and he knew he didn’t exactly have a choice here, so he nodded.

“Yeah…of course.”

Breakfast was tense. Eddie still looked exhausted, Buck still felt on edge and Christopher was really quiet. It was far from their usual morning dynamic, even if none of them were morning people. 

“Buck?” Christopher finally asked. “Are you…are you gonna die?”

Buck felt his heart drop and for a second he believed the answer to be yes right this second.

“What? Of course not Chris, what made you think that?” He said instead, turning his head to give Chris his best reassuring face.

Chris didn’t look too reassured though. His eyes darted between Buck, Eddie and the floor, and his hands, gripping on to the mug of hot chocolate in front of him. 

“Daddy said you could. Last night when he was sad. He yelled it.”

Buck met Eddie's eyes from across the table, his panic matching his own.

“Chris, I was just really worried yesterday. You know, like I told you. My brain got really scared.” Eddie said, softly.

“But…you said before that Buck is here because he is sick,” Chris turned to Buck. “Are you sick like grandma was sick? She was throwing up a lot too before she died.”

“No, no no,” Buck said quickly, remembering what Eddie had told him about Shannon’s mother. “Your grandma had a body-sickness, a very very mean one. Mine is in my head, it makes me do things that aren’t good for me.” He pointed at his temple. “But you don’t have to worry about it, okay? I’m gonna be okay.”

“Do you promise?”

Buck pressed his fist together under the table, letting his nails bury themselves into his skin. He couldn’t promise Chris anything. Breaking a promise to Christopher would be the thing that totally broke him, and he just couldn’t risk that.

 “You and your dad help me be more okay everyday,” he said instead. “And I have a doctor who helps me too.”

“And that’s why you need the extra hugs?”

“Extra hugs is the best medicine. Especially when they come from you.”

Chris wasted no time getting up from his chair and giving him a hug. Buck couldn’t help but smile at him. He felt another pair of arms around him as Eddie joined their hug.

“Thank you superman,” Buck said, ruffling Christopher's hair.

Christopher beamed at him.

“I think you’re gonna be okay Buck,” Chris said, still smiling. 

Buck couldn’t help but get misty eyed at that, and judging by the moisture he could feel on his shoulder, neither could Eddie.

“Cap approved another week off for me,” Eddie said on their way back from dropping Christopher off at school. “ It’s really only two shifts I’m missing. I’ll be back next Wednesday.”

“So will I if I get cleared on my appointment on Friday," Buck reminded him, smiling. “We’ll be back at the same time.”

“ If you pass, yes.”

“Which I will, because my body is doing a lot better. You’ve got to at least admit that I don’t look that sick anymore.”

“Your psych team has to clear you too though, and you just admitted to using new methods.”

“Which I am not gonna do at work Eddie, please at least believe that. It won’t interfere with work.”

Eddie took a while before answering.

“I don’t know what to believe anymore.”

Buck bit his bottom lip. He knew he hadn’t exactly given Eddie much of a reason to trust him lately, but he needed this. He needed to work to feel somewhat normal.

“Eddie, please. Like I would ever risk shitting myself at work,” he said, rolling his eyes a bit for emphasis. “Also, if I’m back at work I won’t be home alone. I’m always the sickest when I have to stay home. Work distracts me.”

Eddie looked him over again before finally nodding.

“Well I do like the sound of that.”

“Exactly,” Buck said, smiling softly. “Although, you do know eventually that I’m gonna have to go back to my own apartment though, right?”

“Do you though?”

“Of course. Don’t you worry, I’ll be out of your hair as soon as y’all can trust me to be on my own again,” Buck said, still smiling, but feeling slightly sad at the idea of leaving.

Eddie stared out the window for a good few minutes before answering. 

“You can stay as long as you need. No rush, none at all. I absolutely hate that you’re sick. But I like having you here. So does Chris.”

Buck felt his head spin again, but in the good way this time, as he melted into the front seat and just for once let himself believe the nice words told to him.

He should be happy. Everything was slowly getting better. He’d been cleared for duty, meaning that he’d be back at work with Eddie in just a couple of days. His family had shown him, these past three weeks more than ever, that they cared and loved him no matter what. He had everything he wanted, but once again it felt too good, too safe, as he waited for the other shoe to drop. It was the same feelings that had raced around in his head on Christmas, and he really should’ve seen it coming. But here he was again, looking through the cupboards in the middle of the night to try to mute the buzzing in his ears. He was fucking it all up again, and again and again. Fuck. He would scare Christopher and cause Eddie even more panic. What a truly terrible friend he was.

But he didn’t find any cookies this time, or any cereal, but he did find the oats which he quickly tore open. He needed it like oxygen. The first couple of handfuls went down quickly, like always, but as the buzzing in his ears decreased, he felt the shame fill his gut. There was a jostling sound coming from the bedroom, like Eddie was turning around in bed. Maybe he was moving in his sleep, or maybe he was awake. Who knows? Any moment he could decide to wander out to the kitchen and find him. It wouldn’t go over well. Buck really, really didn’t want to be the reason behind another one of Eddie’s panic attacks.

After a few minutes of staring at the bag of oats, he bit his tongue and emptied it out in the trashbag. He had to act quickly, before he could change his mind, so he all but ran into Eddie's room and collapsed by the side of the bed. Eddie quickly stirred awake, meaning he had been asleep after all. 

“Buck? What the fuck is going on?!” Eddie exclaimed, throwing the blanket out of the way.

“You said to wake you up,” Buck said, leaning against the bed. “Well, here I am.”

“Did you…what did you do?”

“Started…shoving down oats. But I- I stopped Eddie. I stopped.”

“That’s great, Buck. That’s really good.”

Buck shook his head.

“No. No, I regret it so much. I need to do it. I need it so bad.”

“Why?”
“I- I need to make my head shut up,” Buck said, his voice turning more into a plea as his breaths became more laboured. “It won’t shut up, everything's just running around.”

Before he knew it, he felt Eddie’s arms around him, steering him up from the floor and onto the bed. 

“It’s gonna shut up,” Eddie said into his ear. “It will. We just have to ride it out. I’m here.”

It felt impossible, but eventually his breathing evened out, and the oats stayed down. Finally, a real win.