Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Pure Vanilla Cookie sat at the grand dinner table of the Creme Republic, feigning a laugh, a smile, going along with his other Ancient friend’s jokes. He sat next to Dark Cacao Cookie, the warrior eyeing him, clocking his every move, the falters in his smile, the choking in his laughter, his weary eyes and his shaky hands. Not just his hands, but his shaky figure.

“Dark Cacao Cookie! Earthbread to Dark Cacao Cookie!” Hollyberry Cookie shouted, snapping Dark Cacao Cookie out of his daze. The loudmouthed Cookie continued, “We were going to go for a walk in the garden. Aren’t you going to come?” She boomed, her tone unintentionally boisterous.

He glanced at his husband, Pure Vanilla Cookie, unintentionally locking eyes with his staff, immediately causing great discomfort. He shook his head, as if trying to shake that familiar feeling of impending doom caused by that.. eye.. and snapped back into the conversation.

“Yes, of course. It’s been quite a while since I’ve been in the garden.. Pure Vanilla Cookie, we’ve barely seen you the whole week we’ve been in the Vanilla Kingdom. I assume you’ve missed your garden.. and your sheep.” Dark Cacao Cookie pointed out, Pure Vanilla Cookie snapping his attention towards his husband.

“Oh.. I’ve missed the sheep quite a lot! But, I’m afraid the garden is the same as the last time you three saw it. Of course, we could still take a walk!” Pure Vanilla Cookie exclaimed, clapping his hands excitedly. “I’d love to give another tour.”

Hollyberry and Golden Cheese Cookie cheered, tipsy from a night of light drinking and catching up. Dark Cacao Cookie nodded, Pure Vanilla Cookie offering another smile.

“Come, then! We’re losing daylight!” Pure Vanilla exclaimed, making the other 3 Ancient Cookies to trail after him, Dark Cacao Cookie catching up the fastest, keeping himself close to Vanilla, watching his every move. Golden Cheese Cookie pocketed a few cherries from the trees above, remaining her greedy self even after so many years.

“Pure Vanilla Cookie.” Dark Cacao Cookie started, startling Pure Vanilla Cookie.

“My dear.” Pure Vanilla Cookie replied. Dark Cacao Cookie stayed silent, watching him for a while, before focusing on the trail ahead. He kept quiet, wanting to bring up his observations, the food on his plate being moved around but not eaten, his brittle hair and his buckling knees. He just didn’t have the words to ask about it, interrogate about it.

“Your garden looks lovely.” Dark Cacao Cookie sighed, trying to avoid what he was originally wanting to bring up. He eyed the birds in the tall cream trees, staring back down at him, chirping their spring songs. Dark Cacao Cookie looked down at Pure Vanilla Cookie, who’s sluggish movement and trembling legs stood out to Dark Cacao Cookie, giving anything he wanted to hide away.

“It’s not changed, silly.” Pure Vanilla Cookie said playfully, seeing through his staff the warrior’s face falter.

“I’m not allowed to tell you the garden is beautiful?” Dark Cacao Cookie replied, eyes locked onto the healer’s staff, trying to keep himself from bringing up his concerns in front of the other ancient heroes. Pure Vanilla choked on his words, his cheeks flushing.

“Of course you are, love. I was.. confused.. just wondering why you had brought it up when you’ve seen it before.” Pure Vanilla Cookie sputtered.

“It’s gorgeous. I felt you should know.” Dark Cacao Cookie muttered, breaking his gaze from the Vanilla Orchid staff and grabbing onto his husband’s cold hand, just to hold onto on their walk.

Hollyberry Cookie soared forward, shoving herself between the two.

“You two are so damn sappy.” She yapped, slapping Pure Vanilla Cookie hard on the back. He coughed, Hollyberry’s hard slap knocking the wind out of him. The three paused, watching Pure Vanilla Cookie struggle to get a breath of air in.

“Pure Vanilla Cookie, are you okay?” A concerned Golden Cheese asked, watching the other two Ancients trying to help him get some air in his lungs. She swooped down, examining his hair and his skin.

“You look weak.” She pointed out, her blunt tone startling Hollyberry. Pure Vanilla Cookie avoided eye contact, forcing a smile and coughing for another few seconds. He wiped his hand on his robes, trying to laugh it off.

“I’m fine! Don’t worry about me. Hollyberry just.. caught me off guard!” Pure Vanilla brushed it off, trying to stand back up and falling back to his knees.

“No, really.. you do look frail. Looking at you closely, you look fragile.” Hollyberry piped up, squeezing his face in her hands, his cold skin flushing under Hollyberry’s fingers.

Dark Cacao Cookie stood off to the side, watching the two fuss over Pure Vanilla Cookie’s exhausted appearance.

“You two get off of him. Let him get up.” Dark Cacao Cookie grumbled, helping Pure Vanilla Cookie up off of the ground.

“Thank you, thank you, but you don’t have to worry about me. I’m doing fine.” Pure Vanilla Cookie lied, unaware of Dark Cacao Cookie’s judging eyes.

“What a terrible liar.” Cacao muttered under his breath. Pure Vanilla Cookie snapped his head over in Dark Cacao Cookie’s direction. Hoping nobody else heard that, he quickly turned his head back away. But his staff continued to side eye the warrior.

“It’s fine, everyone! Really. Let’s get back on with our walk!” Pure Vanilla exclaimed, brushing himself off of the dirt and loose leaves and fixing his hat.

“Pure Vanilla Cookie.. why don’t you head back to the castle. Get some rest, my dear. There will be more meetings tomorrow.” Dark Cacao Cookie said gently, more of a command than a request.

“I’m fine. I don’t know why you three are fussing over me.” Pure Vanilla hissed, trying to keep calm by inhaling deeply.

“Pure Vanilla Cookie. You need rest.” Dark Cacao Cookie said firmly. Pure Vanilla Cookie sighed, turning on his heel and walking back to the castle.

“FINE. But just so you know? I’m only doing this so you’ll stop fussing over me. I don’t need it.” Pure Vanilla rambled, clenching his jaw.

The three remaining stayed silent, watching Pure Vanilla Cookie storm off, obviously struggling to keep walking. They exchanged looks, nodding to each other. Something was definitely off with him. They waited until he was out of earshot, making sure even with his fantastic hearing, their concerns wouldn’t be heard.

“He looks frail,” Hollyberry Cookie blurted, pausing for a moment before continuing. “He’s not been eating well. I can tell.”

“I agree. I’ve noticed in the Dark Cacao kingdom, the sweeter foods we keep for him are untouched.” Dark Cacao Cookie added, sighing. “Anything he does eat I hear him throw up.”

“Every time I’ve seen him I’ve tried to get him to eat something. Anything. He just refuses and says that I probably want it more.” Golden Cheese Cookie sighed. “He’s said he’s not hungry, but I haven’t seen him eat more than a meal total since we came.”

“Well.. do we bring it up? Confront him?” Hollyberry questioned. Dark Cacao Cookie sighed.

“No. I think it’ll only make him try to hide it more. Though, he’s not good at it in the first place.” Cacao sighed. “If I’m being honest.. I’m worried about him.”

The other two ancients stared at each other.

“Well.. what are we supposed to do? Help him through it?” Golden Cheese Cookie asked, cocking her head, quietly whistling along with the birds.
“I’m not sure.” Dark Cacao Cookie sighed. “I just don’t know what to do.”

Dark Cacao Cookie paused. Hollyberry and Golden Cheese stared at each other.

“I’ve been seeing it for a while. A few months, maybe? I didn’t know if I was just being paranoid.. or if he’s just sick.. or if he’s getting bad again.”

“He just looks sickly. I’m afraid he’s getting sick again.”

“Dark Cacao Cookie,” Golden Cheese started. “I understand your fear. It’s okay, we’ll be here for you and Pure Vanilla every single second you two need it.” Hollyberry nodded, forcing Dark Cacao into a tight hug.

“Let’s get back to the castle. I’m sure Pure Vanilla Cookie is upset.. I don’t think it's a very good idea to leave him alone right now.” Dark Cacao Cooke stammered, already walking ahead of the two to the castle.

“Even he’s being weird.” Golden Cheese whispered to Hollyberry.

“Weirder than usual?” Hollyberry responded.

The Ancient Cookies started back on their way to the castle.

Chapter Text

Dark Cacao Cookie carefully creaked open the doors to the grand main bedroom. Pure Vanilla Cookie quickly tried to hold in his vomit to no avail.

“Pure Vanilla Cookie..?” Dark Cacao Cookie whispered, careful not to startle Pure Vanilla.

A retching sound could be heard from the bathroom, Pure Vanilla Cookie wiping his face in between. He finally stopped, trying to close the bathroom and lure Dark Cacao Cookie away.

“Pure Vanilla Cookie. You know I could hear you in there.” Dark Cacao Cookie grabbed Pure Vanilla’s bony hand, the warrior careful not to squeeze too hard. He gently clasped it, never wanting to let go.

“I’m fine.. my body is just.. rejecting the food.” Pure Vanilla lied. Dark Cacao Cookie sighed, rolling his eyes and locking eyes with his husband’s, even if he couldn’t see very well.

“You and I both know that isn’t true.”

“I. Am. Fine.”

“Why won’t you just talk to me?” Cacao begged, squeezing Vanilla’s hand much too tight by accident. Pure Vanilla Cookie sucked in air through his teeth, causing Dark Cacao Cookie to quickly loosen his grip.

“Because there’s NOTHING to talk about. I’m fine.” Pure Vanilla Cookie hissed, yanking his hand away from his worried husband. Cacao looked away from Pure Vanilla Cookie.

“Anybody who is fine does not puke up everything they eat. Anybody who is fine does not actively avoid eating.” Dark Cacao Cookie sighed, watching Pure Vanilla Cookie clench his staff so hard his knuckles flushed white.

“What?” Pure Vanilla Cookie paused for a moment. He swallowed hard, trying to hold back tears. “You.. noticed?” He whimpered, a pit of nausea pooling in his stomach, making him feel worse than before.

Dark Cacao Cookie choked for a second before resuming.

“Of course I noticed. It’s hard not to. You’re a terrible liar, my love, and even worse at hiding your suffering.” Dark Cacao Cookie whispered, tracing his finger along the Pure Vanilla’s cheekbones. Pure Vanilla Cookie loosened his grip on his staff, letting it clatter to the floor as he fell to his knees.

“I’m sorry.. Please don’t be upset with me..” Vanilla began to weep, Dark Cacao Cookie looking at him in a heap on the floor, his heart racing.

“Oh, don’t- you.. my love, I wouldn’t be upset with you over this. I’d much rather h.. help you than make you feel worse..” Dark Cacao Cookie started, lowering himself to the ground with Pure Vanilla Cookie cowering in a pile on the cold floor.

“Why do you care?” Vanilla wept, a pathetic mess of sobs. Cacao lowered himself onto the ground, holding Pure Vanilla Cookie’s hands to keep him from picking at his skin. Dark Cacao Cookie stayed quiet, not knowing how to respond to his husband’s sobbing.

Pure Vanilla Cookie attempted to catch his breath, accidentally choking on his coughs.

“W.. what if I’m beyond repair?” He sputtered between sobs, Dark Cacao Cookie stroking his hair, gently, careful not to pull it out.

“You’ll never be beyond repair. Not to me, my love.” Dark Cacao Cookie gently rocked his husband, listening to his slow sobs and hiccups. He pulled his sleeve over his hand, lifting Pure Vanilla Cookie’s face and gently wiping his face, his wet cheeks becoming damp instead of sopping wet.

Pure Vanilla Cookie tried to speak, but his voice stuck, sticky in his throat, like no matter what he did he couldn’t get the words out. He let out a pathetic whimper, continuing to quietly cry.

Pure Vanilla Cookie still felt incredibly nauseous, clutching his stomach with one arm and clinging onto Dark Cacao’s arm. Dark Cacao Cookie tried to gently pull him up onto his lap, clasping his arms around Pure Vanilla Cookie’s stomach.

“Ow! Ow! No.. no that hurts!” Pure Vanilla whimpered, clutching his stomach, sobbing. Dark Cacao carefully and quickly shifted his arms, stroking Pure Vanilla’s hair and tracing his lips.

“Dark Cacao Cookie..” Pure Vanilla started, pausing for a second. He bit his nails, which crumbled in his teeth. He sighed, shaky breaths escaping his lips.

“You’re the most perfect Cookie I’ve ever met. I don’t know.. what I did to deserve you.” Pure Vanilla Cookie whispered, clinging onto the collar of his husband’s tunic.

“Perhaps I am perfect because I am yours, Pure Vanilla Cookie.” Dark Cacao Cookie whispered, taking Pure Vanilla’s hand and giving it a gentle kiss. Pure Vanilla Cookie’s chin quivered, leading him to immediately shove his face into Dark Cacao Cookie’s soft clothes.

“Pure Vanilla Cookie, it’s going to be okay,” Dark Cacao paused, lifting up Pure Vanilla’s head. “You cannot suffer on your own anymore. Will you please tell me when you’re feeling like this? Please?” Dark Cacao Cookie begged, a rare sight for Pure Vanilla Cookie. He nodded slowly, avoiding eye contact. Dark Cacao Cookie held up his pinky finger, trying desperately not to let out a giggle as he offered Vanilla his pinkie like a child.

Pure Vanilla Cookie reached out, and hooked his pinky onto Cacao’s.

Chapter Text

Pure Vanilla Cookie awoke with a start. He fastened the brooch on his cloak, looking back at the still-sleeping Dark Cacao Cookie. He watched Dark Cacao fumble about in his sleep for a moment before his eyelids fluttered open.

“Good morning..” Dark Cacao Cookie mumbled, sitting up slowly and rubbing his eyes. “Wait.. It’s morning, right?”

“Its.. 10 am. We’ve got lunch with Clotted Cream Cookie and Financier Cookie in about an hour..” Pure Vanilla Cookie replied, rolling over to stare Cacao in the eyes. Dark Cacao groaned at the mention of Clotted Cream, the overly-arrogant Cookie who just insisted and insisted on taking his Soul Jam. He pulled the blankets over his head, causing Pure Vanilla Cookie to giggle at his husband’s childishness.

“Dark Cacao Cookie!” Pure Vanilla giggled. “Come here. It’s only for an hour. You’ve just.. really gotta keep yourself together around him.” Dark Cacao Cookie frowned, sinking his face into Pure Vanilla’s soft clothes, sighing as Pure Vanilla Cookie stroked his long, black hair.

Pure Vanilla Cookie’s ribs poked into Dark Cacao’s face, reminding him of the night before. He clung onto Vanilla’s cloak, as if he was leaving anytime soon. Pure Vanilla Cookie sighed, pulling Cacao closer to his chest, scratching his scalp.

“We’re gonna have to get up soon, my love.” Pure Vanilla whispered, listening to Cacao groan. Pure Vanilla Cookie sighed. “Come on, my dear.”

Dark Cacao Cookie lifted his head, allowing Pure Vanilla to get up.

“It’s 10:45. We should start heading to the dining hall.” Pure Vanilla said, planting a soft kiss on Dark Cacao Cookie’s cheek. The warrior got up from the bed, sliding his shoes on and grabbing his sword.

Clotted Cream Cookie checked his watch impatiently. “You two are late. You were supposed to be here 3 minutes and 9 seconds ago.” Clotted Cream paused, looking Dark Cacao up and down. “And yet you still look exhausted.”

Dark Cacao Cookie’s jam boiled. Seeing this, Pure Vanilla Cookie sighed.

“Consul, with all due respect, you called us here on quite short notice.” The other ancients nodded in agreement. “Yeah. And we all know this old brute needs his beauty sleep.” Hollyberry teased, smacking Dark Cacao Cookie on the back. Apparently, she hadn’t learned her lesson. Dark Cacao Cookie sighed, swatting Hollyberry Cookie’s hand away.

Clotted Cream Cookie rolled his eyes. Financier Cookie ushered the four to the grand dining table, trying desperately to avoid yet another fight with the Ancient Cookies. Dark Cacao Cookie stared down Clotted Cream, the coldness in his eyes telling the Consul this wasn’t over. Clotted Cream Cookie avoided his gaze, eyeing Cacao’s sword instead.

“Consul.” Dark Cacao Cookie started. “My eyes are up here. Face me. ” He snapped, the other four Ancients trying to calm him down.

“Dark Cacao Cookie, contain yourself.” Pure Vanilla hissed, Dark Cacao Cookie grumbling under his breath. Pure Vanilla sighed, waving his hand in a way that told Dark Cacao Cookie to sit down and calm himself.

“My, my. Ancient heroes, you’ve really let yourselves go.” Clotted Cream sneered, a crude snicker escaping his lips. “Golden Cheese Cookie, the greedy queen, putting her treasures before her own Cookies. Hollyberry Cookie, a drunk abandoning her kingdom.” The Ancients looked at him in disbelief, shocked and angry at his audacity.
“Dark Cacao Cookie, a ruthless dictator casting away his own son over a sword.” He continued, his resort to insults, each cutting deeper than the last. Dark Cacao Cookie gritted his teeth, preparing for any final blows to his dearest friends. Clotted Cream’s striking green eyes landed on his final target.. Pure Vanilla Cookie.

“And, we’ve got the weakest link.. and the guiltiest.” Clotted Cream said with a smirk, eyeing Pure Vanilla Cookie viciously.

“The guiltiest link, who cannot finish a meal without vomit pouring out of his mouth. The weakest link, who cannot protect his own kingdom.”

Dark Cacao Cookie lept into a rage, grabbing his sword and charging at Clotted Cream.

“You shameless WHELP! Have you no respect for the ones who protect this realm?! Who makes it so that leeches like you can live in absolute LUXURY?” He raged, his anger bubbling over when he saw Clotted Cream Cookie’s ruthless smirk.

Clotted Cream Cookie chuckled. “Protect this realm? Because I heard that White Lily Cookie..” Clotted Cream Cookie paused, as if to make certain that the other four cookies heard and know where he’s going.

“I heard that White Lily Cookie is Dark Enchantress.”

Three out of four of the Ancients looked at him, confused, angry, upset.. except for Pure Vanilla Cookie.

“And would you like to know what else I’ve heard?” Clotted Cream added.

“That’s enough of your rumours.” Golden Cheese hissed, holding up her spear in warning. Clotted Cream Cookie grinned again.

“I’ve heard that Pure Vanilla Cookie knew the whole time.”

Everybody turned to look at Vanilla, who cowered in fear and shame.

“Pure Vanilla Cookie?” A distant voice called, overshadowed by the ringing in his ears. Four other voices could be heard, but he couldn’t understand what they were saying.

He slowly stood up, scooting his chair back. Even if he wanted to say anything, it's not like he could. His voice caught in his throat, like sticky pudding.

Like vomit.

He dashed out of the room, leaving behind his staff. The blurry hallway ahead of him made his head light and his eyes sore. The door to the outside, to the garden, threw open, his bare feet hitting the rocky path, the sharp stones and thorned shrubs cutting at his ankles and feet as he sprinted away from the castle. His knees buckled and his head reeled.

Clotted Cream Cookie chuckled, a sweet, sickening sound escaping his lips.

“The most cowardly link. That’s for sure. Tsk tsk..”

“You shut your POISONOUS mouth. This. Instant.” Cacao glared, his icy eyes piercing Clotted Cream’s very soul. For a moment, his cocky expression faltered.

Pure Vanilla Cookie slowed down for a moment, his breaths heavy, labored. His lungs burned, his feet stung, and his throat felt raw, swollen. He felt as if he might split in half.

The gravel path crunched underneath somebody’s feet. Pure Vanilla’s head snapped up, his hand slapping over his mouth, as if someone might hear his ragged breathing, as if somebody would want to hurt him. His heart pounded, his body ached.

He desperately tried to ignore the footsteps, curling into a ball, trying to hide himself in his cloak.

“Pure Vanilla Cookie?”

He gasped, his breath choking him for a moment.

“Vanilla?”

A concerned, familiar voice called to him, laced with fear.

Laced with love.

Chapter Text

“Pure Vanilla Cookie.” Dark Cacao’s voice rang in his head. Pure Vanilla slowly looked up, although blurry, he could see the sharp outline of Cacao, tall, slowly coming towards him as if he was going to disturb a small animal.

Pure Vanilla hiccupped, staring at his silhouette. He rocked himself back and forth, a habit to attempt to calm himself.

It never works.

Dark Cacao Cookie continued, walking towards him slowly, walking into the vanilla pavilion and sitting down next to Pure Vanilla. He ran his fingers through his blonde hair and ran his finger along his spine, caressing the small of his back and rocking him in his arms.

Pure Vanilla Cookie pressed his head onto Dark Cacao Cookie’s chest. He listened for his heartbeat, breathing deeply, in and out, listening to Cacao’s steady heartbeat.

“My dove,” Dark Cacao Cookie started, sighing and twirling Pure Vanilla’s hair between his fingers, “Why don’t you tell us these things?”

It was a genuine question. He wasn’t angry. He wasn’t even upset. Still, the weight of the question, the fact he didn’t know what the answer was, the way he knew he had let his friends take the worst of Clotted Cream Cookie’s insults. His stomach ached, his eyes burned. All he could do was wail.

His mouth pooled with saliva. He felt dizzy, like he was going to throw up.

He was going to throw up.

He pushed Cacao’s arms off of him, dragging himself over to the side of the pavilion. He stood up, trying not to fall over again and hung himself over the railing. Hot, sour stomach acid burned his throat and tongue.

Dark Cacao Cookie sighed, standing up to clear his face from the hair in the way. He held it back for him, gently stroking his back until the retching stopped. Pure Vanilla Cookie went limp over the railing for a moment, before Dark Cacao Cookie turned him around slowly. He rolled down his sleeve to wipe Vanilla’s mouth. The gentle silk of Pure Vanilla’s robe brushed Dark Cacao Cookie’s hands as Cacao pulled him over from the railing, holding him for a bit.

“..We can always go back and clean up, okay?” Dark Cacao Cookie whispered. Pure Vanilla just sunk into his husband’s body and nodded, groaning in pain and exhaustion.

~~

The dining hall was unusually quiet. The only remnants of the lunch was Hollyberry Cookie and Golden Cheese Cookie. It was far too calm, even with the two loudest and grandest of the Ancient Cookies.

Golden Cheese Cookie pursed her lips and Hollyberry Cookie sighed. Hollyberry Cookie took a big sip from her goblet. Berry Juice, an unforgettable smell. Strong, flavorful. Enough to drown out her worries.

“You’ve gotta stop doing that.” Golden Cheese piped up. She ran her fingers through her short, golden hair and picked a few loose feathers from her wings.

“Doing what?” Hollyberry questioned, raising the goblet to her lips again before Golden Cheese snatched the cup.

Golden Cheese sighed.

“Drinking your problems away— It’s not good for you, you know.” Golden Cheese murmured. She didn’t express her worry for her friends often enough, she thought.

Hollyberry ignored her and took another sip from her goblet.

~~

Dark Cacao Cookie sat bent over the bathtub, massaging shampoo through Vanilla’s hair and scalp.

His husband’s naked, wet body let out a faint glow. His long hair stuck to his shoulders and back. Dark Cacao Cookie gingerly rinsed his hair and simply admired him.

His husband was so pretty in his eyes— long, blond hair, his heterochromatic eyes, sunkissed skin, little moles and freckles on his face. The more he admired him, stared at him, the more little marks he noticed and loved.

His eyes moved down, landing on Vanilla’s thighs and calves. He felt like his stomach might leap out of his chest.

Looking at the scars and marks on Pure Vanilla’s legs filled him with a despair— the same despair he felt after losing his very own son. Their son.
The feeling of dread he only felt after knowing he couldn’t protect the people he loved. Looking at those marks— some deep, some shallow. Some fresh, some long scarred over and turned white. Some crescent shaped, the familiar curve of Pure Vanilla’s long fingernails— looking at those marks made him feel like he had opened many wounds, despite his skin not being the one to face a blade.

His mind raced. He was upset that Pure Vanilla didn’t tell him when he was getting bad again. He was upset that he was asleep at that moment, for he just wanted to wrap him up in a tight embrace that would never end— he wanted to tell him how much he adored him and how beautiful he was—

But most of all he was upset with himself— angry with himself, hating himself for not noticing sooner.

What kind of husband was he?

He sighed. You’d think these things get easier with age.

Pure Vanilla stirred awake, his eyelids fluttering open and looking up at Cacao. He tried sitting up but his awful dizziness pulled him back down into the warm water. Dark Cacao was wet from the splash, but he didn’t mind. He pressed his soft lips onto Pure Vanilla’s forehead, kissing the star birthmark.

Pure Vanilla reached out to touch Dark Cacao’s face, feeling his lips and eyelids, his bushy eyebrows and his hair.

Dark Cacao lathered his hair in conditioner as he was distracted. He gently rinsed his hair, one hand holding Pure Vanilla’s head above water because he was so delirious— and the other hurrying the conditioner from his scalp.

He drained the water from the tub and took Pure Vanilla’s hand to help him out. Vanilla leaned on Cacao, sinking his exhausted frame into the man he knew and adored. He helped to slip on his robes and he leaned on Cacao to the large, plush Vanillian bed.

Cacao’s head swarmed. His lungs seemed to be full of licorice rats. The longer his head stormed with worry, the longer the rats filled his lungs, and the longer his thoughts raced the hotter his face got. He stroked a lock of sweet vanilla hair, the relaxing aroma grounding him, but he was so full of rats. So full of rats, rats that threatened to ooze out of his lips. He longed to tell somebody about what he saw, about his husband that felt like he was slowly dying before his very eyes.

Pure Vanilla’s breath slowed into a consistent pace, his chest rising and falling beneath his arms and his mouth peeking open, with drool threatening to seep from the corners of his mouth.

Dark Cacao slowly got up, leaving Pure Vanilla asleep. Hollyberry would surely be up at this hour– but would she be alone?

Chapter Text

Hollyberry sat alone in the tavern, not at the bar, not at her usual spot, telling stories and getting increasingly loud and unruly until the other four friends would escort her out, laughing and joking along as she laughed about nothing.

She looked upset. She was quiet, sipping from her glass of berry juice and looking around before spotting Dark Cacao. She waved him down, gesturing to herself as if inviting him to sit with her.

Seeing her up close made him a bit upset. Her eyes looked tired, and a furrow had formed between her brows where they had been scrunched for what seemed like days.

“Dark Cacao Cookie, we haven’t seen Pure Vanilla all day— is he okay?” She asked, pushing another drink to Dark Cacao.

“He’s okay,” Cacao paused, knowing that wasn’t exactly true, “He’s asleep.” He said, taking a swig of berry juice. It was far too sweet, far too strong and strangely bitter. But at some point he stopped caring.

~~

Pure Vanilla slowly got up and checked the grandfather clock in the room. It read 11:58. The looming threat of the clang made him slip on his loafers and slowly walk out of the room.

His staff’s eye was still adjusting. The colorful hallways and stained glass looked blurry and gave him a headache. However, he could see one cookie walking up the hallway, the same way as him. Tall, slender, blond hair and piercing green eyes.

Clotted Cream Cookie shot him a look and put a sly grin on his face. Pure Vanilla quickly decided he’d get to the kitchen quickly— and get out even faster. He was just hungry.

He was just hungry.

He stepped into the kitchen, looking around for anything untouched. As he scoured, he thought about the meetings and events.

Only a few days until they’d leave the Vanilla kingdom again, Pure Vanilla and Dark Cacao returning to their kingdom together. Back to familiarity, back to their daughter, back to the library and winter garden— he craved that familiarity, even if it meant leaving his friends once more.

There’d always be letters.

He grabbed a stub of warm bread and hid it in his cloak to hoard for later. Clotted Cream waltzed into the kitchen and stared at him, watching as Pure Vanilla didn’t even notice him.

Pure Vanilla’s sleeve slipped down, revealing little scars— Clotted Cream took note. Pure Vanilla knocked over a paper towel roll, swearing to himself as he picked it up— Clotted Cream took note.

Pure Vanilla turned around, his staff locking eyes with Clotted Cream. Pure Vanilla stumbled back into the counter, jamming a cabinet knob into his back.

“Clotted Cream Cookie?” Pure Vanilla said exasperated, panicking a little at the sight of him. Looking into those piercing eyes only reminded him of the earlier day.

“Pure Vanilla Cookie.” He grinned. He eyed Pure Vanilla like he was looking for what to say next. “You look exhausted.”

He was right— Pure Vanilla’s hair was still wet in places. His eyes were still droopy and tired, and his robes were crooked.

“I am.” He chuckled uncomfortably. He didn’t like being around Clotted Cream. Especially not after the interactions they had earlier.

Clotted Cream looked at him skeptically before wiping the smug look off his face.

“Listen, I’m just so sorry about earlier today. I didn’t realize a little joke would set you off so much.” Clotted Cream chuckled, as if this was a little joke he’d play sometimes.

Pure Vanilla pursed his lips and muttered an “it’s nothing”.

But it wasn’t nothing. It was certainly something.

“I just need you to convince your friends their Soul Jam would be safer in the grasp of the Republic-“

“Clotted Cream Cookie. No. I’m not going to do that.” Pure Vanilla hissed. He was still starving. Clotted Cream sighed and swore under his breath. He wrinkled his nose at Pure Vanilla and eyed his wrists, remembering that little note for later. He made one last snide remark about how one’s own helplessness will be the downfall of all before leaving the kitchen.

“Cutter.” Clotted Cream Cookie hissed. Pure Vanilla’s head shot towards Clotted Cream. His throat felt swollen.

~~

Cacao listened to Hollyberry vent about how worried she was, about her kingdom, Pure Vanilla, Golden Cheese Cookie—

“Holly, I’ve been thinking over the day,” He whispered.

“Me too.” Hollyberry sighed.

Dark Cacao sighed and took another sip of berry juice.

“I can’t stop thinking about just how much Clotted Cream mentioning White Lily-“ He cleared his throat. “Dark Enchantress freaked Vanilla out..”

“He’s never had great eating habits— or any good habits, to be frank. Cacao, have you noticed his bandages reappearing around his arms again?” Hollyberry asked, fixing a strand of loose hair and tucking it back into her slightly messy buns.

Dark Cacao nearly choked on his juice. He couldn’t bring himself to tell her about the thighs, his calves and parts of his wrists and arms. But he was so full of those secrets, so full of open wounds and those god forsaken licorice rats that would just run and run and take up all his oxygen until he would vomit all of those—

“Cacao.” Holly sighed. “I’m here for you.”

Dark Cacao avoided her gaze.

“Thank you.” He muttered.

~~

Pure Vanilla was hungry— he ate his food in the plush, cream silk bed. The guilt was starting to set in.

Why did he have to be like this? People loved him. His husband, his friends, his daughter— and his son.. wherever he was.

He whimpered as the blade grazed his skin. “I don’t deserve to express this pain— I’m doing this to myself.” He thought. He squeezed his eyes shut, but it didn’t stop a murmur of pain and sadness to escape his soft lips.

~~

Dark Cacao Cookie walked through the long, winding hallways, back to their room, back to his husband. The hallways were lined with statues of goddesses and godlike figures. Tall, and slightly uncanny. He avoided eye contact and carefully walked down so as to not wake anyone.

~~

Pure Vanilla’s skin sliced open. Each little drop of blood that oozed out vomited the residue of hate he wouldn’t let out. Each little drop oozed regret, oozed sadness and secrets.

Secrets of his own self-loathing, secrets of inadequacies and fears, secrets of his past self. His past self that he swore oozed from the cuts along with his hate.

The staff, leaned on the bed watched. It seemed to judge him, almost as harshly as Clotted Cream. He hissed in pain as the sharp edge of the pocket knife went a bit too deep.

The door creaked open, and before Pure Vanilla could even react Dark Cacao walked into the room. He was calm— just watched him, sighed and sat next to him on the bed. He pried the knife from Vanilla’s tight fingers and flicked the blade shut, hooking it onto his pants.

Pure Vanilla let himself lean into Cacao. Cacao held Pure Vanilla’s wrists, examining the damage and getting up, quickly moving to the bathroom in search of bandages.

“Let’s replace the bandages, love.” He whispered, quietly and lovingly. Patience radiated through his voice and eyes. Patience was all he needed for now.

“I’m sorry.” He muttered. Dark Cacao held him close, burying his face in Vanilla’s hair, taking in it’s sweet, comforting smell. The soft touch made Pure Vanilla lose it and sob.

Dark Cacao frowned, continuing to bandage the wounds.

“Were you ever going to tell me?” He asked, tucking the soft cloth under itself to be more secure.

“..No. I wasn’t going to tell you.” He admitted through shaky breaths. “I was so afraid you’d leave— or be angry, or upset- and I couldn’t take it— and I made it so much worse-“ He wept, shaking uncontrollably. He moved his covered arm from Cacao’s grasp.

Dark Cacao tried to reach out. To embrace him, to hold him and comfort him, only Pure Vanilla panickingly pulled himself away. He trembled even harder than before. Pure Vanilla’s breathing quickened and he could feel his heartbeat speed up.

“Please! Please—“ He sobbed, “Don’t touch me! I can’t take it!”

Dark Cacao tried to hold him back, to keep him at least in the room with him, to keep him calm— but the gold-accented double doors slammed shut and left Cacao alone in a dark room.

He wanted to go home. He sighed and took off his cloak, getting up to go to the bathroom and change into his sleep robes.

These goddamn rats in his lungs would be the death of him.

~~

Pure Vanilla walked aimlessly down the hallway, dazed and confused— again. The bandages were wadded up in a ball in his hand. He felt around the wall, trying not to fall down when Hollyberry’s shoulder bumped his.

She was slightly drunk. She muttered a “Sorry” and turned to look at him. His state sobered her up immediately, the blood running from his wrist snapping her from her tipsiness.

“Lamb?” She gasped. She pulled him into her room and looked him up and down.

“Berry?”

“My lamb!” She whimpered. She cupped his hand and cursed under her breath.

Pure Vanilla looked confused. His eyes were fixed into the distance while the door remained shut. Hollyberry waved her hand in front of him, trying to get him to focus on her.

“My lamb, focus. Focus on me— you’re gonna be okay.” She held up his head and looked at his arm. It was badly bloodied and stained.

Pure Vanilla looked at her with dazed eyes. He felt for her hair, tugging at the soft buns, feeling at the carefully-done braids. Silent tears rolled down his cheeks. Hollyberry looked at him, quiet and gentle, even while confused and afraid.

His lips began to tremble as if he wanted to say something. He paused.

“Mama.. I want my mama.” He whimpered. She pursed her lips.

“Mama’s not coming, darling. But I’m here.” She sighed, softly feeling his forehead. She took his hands in hers and felt them, small, skinny and delicate. Her roughened skin and hands nearly dwarfed his.

“Just be quiet, lamb. Relax.” She comforted him, trying to keep him from panicking when he saw himself.

His vision became significantly blurrier. He heard the door creak open and saw the silhouette of Dark Cacao. Hollyberry walked from the bathroom back to the bed where Pure Vanilla sat. Dark Cacao stayed beside him.

He listened to the whimpers and sobs escaping Vanilla’s trembling lips. Cacao held Pure Vanilla’s hands in his, trying to steady their shaking.

“You’re okay. You’re safe.” He whispered as he rocked Vanilla side to side, listening to his labored breathing and whines. “You’re going to be okay.”

Pure Vanilla’s chin quivered. He tried to hold it in, but all he could squeak out was an “I don’t want to be here.”

“It’s okay.” Cacao sighed. “Holly, I think I’m going to take him back to our room.”

Hollyberry nodded . She opened the door and patted Cacao on the back, letting him out. Pure Vanilla held onto his shoulder, trying not to fall over.

“‘Nilla, can you walk?” Cacao asked, gently supporting Vanilla so he wouldn’t stumble over. Pure Vanilla shook his head.

“Just hold me.” He murmured.

Cacao heard the door close behind them. Vanilla’s slow breathing filled his ears as Dark Cacao carefully picked him up. His throat felt dry, like it was going to close up on him and snap away his breathing at any moment.

“You’re gonna be okay,” He whispered, not necessarily to Pure Vanilla. More to himself, reminding himself that he was going to help Vanilla, get him the care he needs and deserves. Reminding himself he’d love him every step, take care of him every step– give him anything to soothe an aching throat or heart, hold him when he felt unwanted, or upset, or acted like he wasn’t hungry.

Pure Vanilla Cookie was his, and he was going to make sure the Witches wouldn’t take him early.

The plush bed met Pure Vanilla’s soft skin. Cacao got up slowly, heading to the bathroom for bandages.

“Please don’t go—“ Pure Vanilla sobbed. He clung onto Dark Cacao with his weak, bleeding arm.

“I’m not leaving, my love.” He said quietly. “I’m getting the first aid kit. I am not leaving you.” He added extra emphasis on the last bit. He took Vanilla’s hand off of his sleeve and gingerly kissed it. Pure Vanilla stayed quiet, sitting up and looking at him as he walked to the bathroom.

“Cacao?” He sighed as Dark Cacao wrapped cloth bandages around his arm. Cacao looked up at him, admiring his glossy eyes.

“My beloved.”

His throat closed up and his voice stuck on his tongue like pudding. “I’m scared.” He admitted. “Will you promise me something?”

“I’ll promise you anything, Pure Vanilla Cookie.” He kissed Vanilla’s delicate, no, fragile hands.

“Do you promise you won’t leave me?” He whimpered. Dark Cacao sighed and set the bandages down for a moment. He took Pure Vanilla’s face in his hands and kissed him on his soft lips.

“I wouldn’t leave you, not for all the knowledge that could possibly be bestowed.” He whispered. The whispering felt so intimate, so close. His warm breath almost slipped down Pure Vanilla’s throat. His promises made Pure Vanilla want to drink his love like a potion.

“I promise you.” Dark Cacao Cookie added. He picked the bandages back up and snipped the end, tying them off and holding the newly-covered arm. He rubbed his thumb along Pure Vanilla’s forearm. The bandages rubbing against open wounds made him wince in pain, but he endured the sweet touch he longed for.

“Come to bed, love.” Cacao whispered. Pure Vanilla obliged, as he always did.

The lights flickered off. The loaf of bread he had snatched earlier sat on the nightstand. The first aid kit left opened and rifled through. Small sewing scissors were left opened on the nightstand.

But it would be okay to deal with in the morning.

Pure Vanilla Cookie made himself comfortable within Cacao’s arms once again.

Chapter Text

Where did this begin?

Dark Cacao Cookie’s mind went right back to the night he had found out how bad Pure Vanilla truly was.

They were on an expedition. They were hunting, all together, for the Soul Jam of Passion. They accompanied Hollyberry Cookie on this adventure for her purpose. Her virtue, her Soul Jam.

Dark Cacao had noted for a few days that the usually kind, patient, and determined Pure Vanilla had become more withdrawn. More reclusive, much more.. odd. He had begun disappearing for hours after meals and had become slow and sluggish with his usually quick, steady movements. Something was very clearly wrong.

After a meal, Dark Cacao watched as Pure Vanilla excused himself and left silently. He’d disappeared into the shadows, as the sun had long since set. Dark Cacao had followed quietly, narrowly escaping prying questions from Hollyberry. He just mumbled about having to pee and left.

He heard the retching first. A sickening yet familiar sound, as he was frequently sick.

Though, this wasn’t food poisoning or stomach bug vomiting. No, it had sobbing in between the retches, and incoherent mumblings. Dark Cacao stepped around the corner, watching from a distance before he stepped forward and sat down next to Pure Vanilla, who was hunched over and a sickly pale color. Cacao had realized the extent of his self-injury, seeing the deep gashes on his arm and legs, and the way his skin had faded from its sunkissed, tan tone.

Pure Vanilla sat back up and stared at Dark Cacao for a moment, looking a little bit helpless.

Dark Cacao held his hands up to sign, knowing Pure Vanilla wasn’t necessarily in a state to speak.

‘Sign for me.’ He signaled and Vanilla nodded.

“How long has this been happening?” He asked.

He held up six fingers and signed ‘months’. Dark Cacao swept himself under a large, tent-like pine tree. He took a lantern from his thick coat pocket and lit the small flame on the inside.

Dark Cacao beckoned him over and Pure Vanilla followed. They sat together for hours, realizing the other three friends had long since fallen asleep, poor White Lily probably having to lure them into their tents. Dark Cacao had sat with Vanilla in their tent that night, staying awake with him, not saying a word until Pure Vanilla was able to fall asleep. Dark Cacao pursed his lips as he watched Vanilla drift off. He stepped out to feel the cold sting on his skin, looking back at the slightly open tent flap, and a sleeping Pure Vanilla.

~~

Dark Cacao’s reminiscence was cut short by Golden Cheese knocking on the door to him and Vanilla’s shared bedroom.

“Dark Cacao,” She said, a look of worry on her face. “What is with you?”

“What?” He questioned. Golden Cheese rolled her eyes and pressed on.

“You seem tired, more anxious than usual.”

“Don’t worry about me.” He sighed. “Worry about Pure Vanilla.” He said and patted her on the shoulder. She pulled him in tight for a hug.

“ I am plenty worried about him, my brother. But, as your sister, I am allowed to be concerned for you as well.”

Dark Cacao Cookie sighed. “I’m just.. I’m upset he didn’t tell me he was sick. I know why he didn’t— he didn’t want to be a burden, but..”

“But?” Golden Cheese questioned, and they both sat down on a velvet bench.

“But I don’t understand why he doesn’t come to me. I married him. I’ve loved him through his struggles and I’d love him either way.” Dark Cacao murmured. “I’ve been here every time. But he won’t tell me when he’s struggling.”

Golden Cheese patted him on the back.

“You can’t fix everything. He may never tell you.” Golden Cheese paused. Her face twisted into an odd grin.

“He may not even be alive right now.”

~~

Dark Cacao Cookie woke up in a cold sweat and looked over to his left side, instinctually. Pure Vanilla Cookie was still right there, sleeping on his side, facing Cacao. He watched the blanket over Vanilla rise and fall with each breath, which relieved him to no end. He sighed and scooted a little closer to Pure Vanilla, feeling his body heat.

He was certainly alive. That dream didn’t mean anything—

—But maybe he should talk to Golden Cheese Cookie.

~~

“Dark Cacao Cookie– You know I don’t understand when you’re like this–” She hissed at him. “You’re stressing me out as much as you are.”

“Hnnn—“ He groaned. “I’m— fine.”

He took a deep breath and sat down.

“I’ve been worried.” He sighed. “Not just about Pure Vanilla Cookie– about everything.”

Golden Cheese pushed him a little harder. “What are you stressed about?”

Dark Cacao Cookie grumbled to himself before answering.

“Well.. The Dark Cacao Kingdom isn’t exactly thriving. We’ve always been low on resources.” He paused. “It’s really starting to concern me, as we have minimal trade routes to avoid conflict. We’re already at war with the Licorice Abyss of the Sea–” His voice began to shake.

“And I’m starting to feel like I cannot keep myself afloat.”

Golden Cheese Cookie looked at him, shocked. She’d never seen her brother so vulnerable, so upset. Especially when she knew him their entire life to be stoic and calculated.

“Dark Cacao Cookie.” She said quietly. “You should have told me! I would have set up the necessary trade routes faster than you can tell me ‘no’!”

“Golden Cheese Cookie– I–” Dark Cacao started before Golden Cheese shushed him.

“No. This is not debatable. I will not have you head down the same path as Pure Vanilla.”

Dark Cacao Cookie pursed his lips.

“And just what do you mean by that?” He hissed, trying to hide disdain brewing in his chest. His lungs felt that strange itch again, like he was just crawling with licorice rats.

“Dark Cacao Cookie, I’ll tell your advisor to send as many resources at once in one go.” She rambled, not listening to his endless questions. About Pure Vanilla, about the resources– telling her he didn’t need them–

His ears began to feel hot and his head heavy. He clenched his fists until his knuckles flushed slightly paler. His throat closed up for a moment before he felt his fingers digging into his palm.

No.

No.

“Golden Cheese Cookie– stop.” He yelled and she stared at him, her mouth slightly agape. She closed her jaw, not allowing herself to look ‘stupid’.

“I.. I appreciate the help.” He said, panicky. “I will figure it out.”

Golden Cheese Cookie sighed. She noticed his fingers, looking.. oddly enough, foggy. She pursed her lips.

“Are you going to tell Nilla?” She asked. His face shifted, became slightly softer.

“..Not now. He’s already.. struggling. I don’t want him to worry about our failing kingdom.”

And with that, he walked away without another word.

~~

He pressed his knuckles into the counter, feeling the way they phased through.

“No.. It cannot be..” He murmured. Pure Vanilla Cookie suddenly hugged him from behind. Dark Cacao felt his husband’s thin frame against his body, warm, soft, and comforting. He took in the smell of vanilla for a moment.

“Dark Cacao, my dear, are you okay?” He murmured before standing next to him. Dark Cacao Cookie startled.

“Hm?” He gasped and looked at Pure Vanilla, his gaze quickly softening. “Yes– I’m simply worried about our kingdom..” He murmured, avoiding Pure Vanilla’s staff’s prying eye, which sometimes he felt saw right through his fragile lies.

“Oh, I understand–” Vanilla replied. “I’ve been worried as well— our soldiers seem under a lot of stress.”

Dark Cacao gritted his teeth and bit his cheek. Pure Vanilla looked worried but hugged Cacao close, pulled his head down slightly and kissed his face.

“We’ll be back in our kingdom tomorrow— there’s no need to worry, dear.” He whispered. Dark Cacao swallowed the lump in his throat.

~~

Pure Vanilla made his way down the hallway, slow, steady. He admired the strained familiarity of the stained glass portraits of him and his dearest friends.

He paused as he reached White Lily Cookie. He sighed and wiped off a foggy spot with his sleeve.

For a moment he wondered if he’d ever see her again, if she’d ever be her again. He continued down the hallway much more solemn than before.

His hands shook with each step, now. His arms stung.

But he wanted to get better— wanted to be better—

For Dark Cacao Cookie. For their family.

“Pure Vanilla!” Golden Cheese shouted. She had Hollyberry close by. They were very clearly having a conversation before. Golden Cheese paused. “Are you alright?”

Pure Vanilla smiled weakly. “I’m fine!” He sighed. He wasn’t technically lying. Not now. “Lost in thought.”

Golden Cheese nodded and gave a quick glance to the window behind him. She frowned slightly and shook her head, looking away swiftly and quickly, taking a moment to mumble about the lilies. Her lily.

The one she’ll never have.

~~

Lunch came quickly. Quicker than Pure Vanilla would like it to.

This was just for the four friends. Before they’d return to their kingdoms and return to their regular ways. He should be glad that he’s spending time with his friends. His dear friends. The friends he’s grown up with.

It wasn’t about them. Not about spending time with his friends.

No. It was just the fact it was lunch.

Pure Vanilla Cookie sighed and walked slowly down the halls.

~~

A banquet laid upon the table; A wonderful assortment of foods from every separate culture of their respective kingdoms.

Pure Vanilla Cookie couldn’t help himself. The guilt was eating him alive– but why? What was the point?

..Oh.

Right.

~~

Pure Vanilla Cookie bit his nails as he sat at his desk at the academy.

A test sat in front of him.

Frankly, he couldn’t bring himself to remember what kind of test it was– but he shifted anxiously. He sighed and yawned slowly, exhausted from a lack of sleep from tireless studying the night before. Which, truly, was in vain, considering this was what changed it.

He failed. Miserably. And suddenly, basic necessities had to be earned.

Sleep couldn’t be achieved until he finished his studies. Using the bathroom was a privilege. And most of all?

Food. Food had to be earned. And he began to realize he never deserved any of these things in the first place. Even after his lack of sleep passed, after denying himself to use the restroom subsided, his restrictions to food never fully ceased. He began to completely feel like he didn’t deserve it.

It wasn’t about his studies anymore. Not after the vomiting started. Not after the fasting and fainting.

~~

Pure Vanilla Cookie felt an overwhelming wave of nausea before forcing himself to sit at the table. He was earlier than the rest of the group– probably running late. Which was fine with him.

‘It wasn’t like he was being abandoned.’ He thought to himself, his head feeling slower lately. He swallowed hard to avoid the nausea and clutched his stomach.

He’d stopped feeling hungry long ago– only when it came to pain did he realize. He pursed his lips and focused as his three other friends came into the room and laid eyes on the banquet. They eyed Pure Vanilla suspiciously for a second before grabbing plates.

Dark Cacao Cookie passed him a plate of typical sweet foods. Smaller portions, his face seemed to say as their eyes met. Pure Vanilla thanked him and slowly choked down a bite of chewy Steak Jelly. He eyed the Cacao nibs on the side of the plate– the Cacao kingdom’s natural anti-nausea ‘medicine’. Lately, the only thing he could eat without guilt.

He nodded a little ‘thank you’ and nibbled on the end. And while his head felt light, he listened to the friends around him for a moment.