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Chapter Text

Remus laid with his head thrown back on the filthy grey carpet of his parents house. The torn Oxford acceptance letter, including financial aid, sat by his side, he thumbed the letter carefully before slipping back into the envelope. Remus knew his mother and father would never be able to pay with the farm in Wales that was their whole life's work. He felt guilty that he was breaking the aeons long tradition of all Lupin men becoming farmers, but also glad to break the cycle of poverty and to leave the farm he called home. 

Remus sat before a giant fan in his new dorm room. The blazing hot September afternoon was cruel and unusual for England weather, but it was a change of pace. Which is all Remus truly wanted. 

Remus wanted the familiar warmth of burning paper between his fingers as his mouth grew dryer as the desire for a cigarette grew. He walked out to the brown grass which had been fried from the sun. He flicked his lighter in between his fingers and felt soothed by the harsh flavour. He watched a tall, black haired man in the courtyard with him, who had the same idea. He ashed his cigarette gracefully before returning it to his lips.  They acknowledged each other, yes, but nothing more was said or done. Remus hummed a Beatles song and watched the afternoon slowly drift to evening. The black haired man looked over at Remus and he smiled in return.

No words had been spoken between them, but the black haired man walked away with long strides of his long legs. Remus took out another cigarette, watching the man leave. 

Sirius walked back to his room, shedding his linen shirt and laying down on his bed. The days lasted forever in the summer heat, the moon was often left smiling on the old campus very late and it distraught Sirius that he didn’t see her often in the summertime.

The dinner bell rang and he went to check his answering machine to see if his best friend, James, had rung him. He hadn’t.

Sirius walked down to the dining hall and got his unappetising dinner and sat at an empty table. 

It was lovely in his solitude, he watched the new students with their wide eyes and bushy tails, and fiddled with his cutlery. The tall, tanned boy he had seen in the courtyard when he was nursing his cigarette walked into the hall and gave him a quick look. Sirius returned the fleeting glance and smirked.

Remus returned to his room after a tasteless dinner. He unpacked the sparse stationary he had packed and put a photo up of his parents, to remind him of humility. Remus narrowed his eyes as his table wobbled under the weight of his hand. 

Remus sat down in the bed and felt the starchy cotton-polyester mix sheets under his sun roughened hands. His polo shirt was uncomfortable on his body and it smelt like smoke; as most of his clothes did. 

His mouth went dry as he thought of all the people he would have to meet tomorrow. 

He shook his head and laid down inspecting his tobacco stained fingers and frowned. Remus looked over at the window, seeing the sun set over the university courtyard and field. He shut his eyes and let out a breath. 

Sirius smiled as James walked into his bedroom. He was tall, muscular and brown. He looked healthy: he always did. His golden glasses glinted in the setting sun. Sirius held up a rolled joint and smirked. James nodded in response. 

The two men lay in their drug induced glory. Sirius always felt like a teenager again whenever he smoked pot. He used to do it merely because he wanted to piss his parents off. James looked at Sirius and gave a hopeless grin. Sirius met the brown skinned man’s mouth with a romanceless kiss. James pulled Sirius’ head in and licked his lower lip. Sirius broke away and looked James deeply in the eye. He smiled and kissed James again before taking another drag of the joint. 

The evening moon started to creep up, basking the room in orange warmth. James had finished off the joint and now they sat on the bed whilst the herb wore off from their systems. 

Remus could smell weed from down the hall and he felt ill. That smell always put the taste of vomit in his mouth. 

He read over his classes once more and sat down on the bed with his head in his hands. He wanted to be perfect, impress someone but didn’t know who and it infuriated him. 

He tugged his jeans down and laid on his bed getting under the covers and falling asleep.

Chapter Text

Sirius tossed his long hair back and smiled at all of his classmates once more. The cassette player sat next to him, in which he tapped and played with the wiring of the headphones. A man that smelt earthy and like cigarettes went to sit next to him and Sirius looked over at him. It was the tanned man from yesterday. Sirius smiled as he took out a fountain pen and a leather bound notebook. 

“I’m Sirius Black.” He smirked. The man looked over and nodded, giving a halfhearted smile. He didn’t reply. “What, cat got your tongue?” He asked. The man looked over again and opened his mouth. 

“Remus.” He had a gorgeous voice. He was raspy and deep, but also calm. “Lupin.” He continued after clearing his throat.

“Nice to meet you. Are you new?” He nodded. “You don’t say much, hm?” Remus looked at him with a strong glare. Sirius took that as a sign to stop talking so much. 

The lecture began and Remus started writing a lot. Sirius watched him and wrote sparingly in comparison to him. 

Remus walked out into the courtyard and lit a cigarette, slightly ticked off by Sirius talking to him. He had no interest in making friends. He was miserable, but thankfully, his misery helped him to work harder, to achieve more, just like his father had taught him. 

Sirius and a brown skinned man with glasses walked by and he smirked at Remus, who ashed his cigarette and returned it to his lips. A bright-red haired girl drifted past the sound of her black Mary-Janes clicked throughout the antiquated hallway and gave a friendly smirk at Remus. Remus snuffed out his cigarette and stopped her. 

“Hey, do you know where the library is?” 

“Yeah. Do you need me to show you?” Remus nodded in return. “I’m Lily.” 

“Remus.” He responded. 

“Well, it’s nice to meet you.” 

“Yeah.” 

“What will you be studying?” 

“English literature.” 

“Lovely. I’m doing classical studies.” Remus smiled and shoved his hands in his pocket to hide his discomfort. Lily and Remus walked to the library and Remus looked at her. Being from the Welsh countryside, it was hard to believe that there would be a library this big and the fact that it could be that old and beautiful. 

“Yeah, thanks Lily. I’ll uh… see you later.” 

“I’m here too. Come on, talk to me.” Remus’ shoulders dropped in exasperation and he followed Lily to a table. 

She understood Remus’ discomfort and talked sparingly. Remus felt comfortable around Lily, even though he had just met her. He acknowledged what boys might like about her. She had long curly red hair, bright green eyes and her skin was covered in freckles. 

“Remus, have you met Sirius Black yet?” Remus frowned at the name and Lily laughed. “Is he that bad?” She asked, a bright smile on her mouth. 

“I just really don’t like people.” Remus responded, looking out the stained glass window. Lily grinned. 

“I understand.” Remus looked at her and smiled. A smile that finally reached his eyes. He had met someone that understood his situation and feelings at last. Lily was silent as she and Remus read and looked up as two very loud men entered the library. One was ebony-haired and elegant Sirius Black and the other the same brown skinned man Remus had seen beforehand. 

Sirius looked over at Remus and gave a weak smile. Remus didn’t return it but appreciated Sirius’ handsomeness. Sirius’ blue-grey eyes twinkled with mischief and his pink lips were full and curved. Remus longed to kiss them. Sirius and his friend walked over to the table and Remus looked at them, the brown man smiled and gave eyes to Lily. She blew him a kiss and he gave a grin. 

“James, how was your summer?” She asked. The man, James, shrugged. 

“Oh, you know. Didn’t do much.” Sirius walked over to the philosophy shelves and Remus watched him. He was lithe with lean muscles and his long curly black hair reached his shoulders. He wasn’t very masculine looking for someone who was so boisterous and so seemingly full of testosterone. He sat down next to Remus and read with him as James and Lily flirted. Remus cherished the silence and looked over at him with his first kind smile that he had given him all day. 

“Thank you.” Remus whispered. Sirius cocked his head to the side and smiled. 

James shoved his hands in his pockets as he met up with his friend from youth, Peter Pettigrew. He smiled and waved at James. He had sandy blond hair and blue eyes that were bright and hopeful. He wasn’t the smartest but his parents were quite content paying his tuition. James smiled and shoved his hands into his pockets. 

“How was your summer, Pete?” James asked, smiling at him and pushing his glasses up on his face. 

“It was good. It was really good. Y’know Sybill?” James nodded and looked at him. “We’re going pretty steady now.”

“How great.” Peter gave a sly grin. “What class are you going to now?” 

“I’ve got an organic chemistry class now.” 

“How… interesting. I’ve got a free period so I’m going to fix up my room.” 

“How fun.” Peter replied. James smiled and walked over to the dorm building, humming a song stuck in his head. 

He and Sirius listened to music nearly every night, he had a beautiful record player that his cousin had bought him. On the weekends, they walked down to the record shop and Sirius bought all kinds of music that James wouldn’t even know or even listen to if it wasn’t for Sirius. James was lucky to have met Sirius. 

Remus flicked over his English literature textbook and hummed. He had checked out about five books from the library and was rather excited. His silver cigarette case glimmered in the setting sun. He sat out in the courtyard, smoking and reading in felicity. He was rather happy with the people he had met today. 

Lily was warm, bubbly and kind, Sirius was pretentious, obviously rich, and handsome and James seemed like a very good friend and person to be around. Remus finished his cigarette and took his books and himself over to the men's wing. 

He walked through the hallway and Sirius stood outside his room. Remus waved as he walked past but Sirius stopped him. 

“You wanna get high with me and Jamie?” Remus cocked a brow. 

“I’m okay, thanks.” Remus said, quickly. 

“Alright. We’re here if you wanna smoke.” Remus nodded and walked to his own room; depositing his books and laying down on the bed. His back ached from all the labour he used to do on the farm at such a young age. The pressure on his growing bones and constant overuse had made him weak and feeling almost arthritic. 

Sirius smirked as Remus knocked on the door. 

“Come on. I knew you’d end up coming.” 

Remus smiled tightly and walked in.

Chapter Text

Sirius rolled his eyes as his phone rang. He picked up the receiver and sighed. The afternoon sun streaming through thin curtains which billowed from the nice summer breeze blowing through the open windows. 

“Hello, Sirius speaking.” 

“Hello Sirius.” It was his little brother. 

“Regulus. Nice to hear from you. How are mum and dad?” 

“They’re fine. Trying to set me up with a distant cousin.” Sirius laughed. 

“When are they not?” Sirius had never admitted this to anyone, but he had always wanted to kill his brother. Blow to his small, raven-haired head, a twine to his throat, a knife to his delicate pale wrists. So many ways Sirius could think of and still, he couldn’t bring himself to do it.

“How is uni?” 

“It’s getting there. Met a very handsome boy the other day and I want to fuck him already.” 

“Oh. That’s good to know.” Regulus replied. “I thought I would have heard from you.” 

“Yeah. Well, I hope you’ve been good. Been going well at school and being good for the folks?” 

“Yes. It’s all fine. Everything is going well, thank you.” 

“I’m glad to hear that.” Someone knocked on the door and Sirius went to open it; interrupting Regulus’ approved script. Sirius went to open it, thinking it was James, but instead came to face Remus standing outside the door. “Oh. Regulus, I’ve got to go. I’ve a visitor.” 

“Bye Si–” Sirius hung the receiver up and looked at Remus with a smile. 

“That was my brother.” 

“You want me to leave to call him back?” He asked. Sirius shook his head and shrugged. 

“Nah,. he’ll be fine.” Sirius smiled. Remus pursed his lips. 

“Not a big fan of your family are you?” Remus asked with a smirk. 

“Nope.” Sirius looked away, “need something?” 

“Uh yeah. Do you have any notes from Thursday? From Philosophy in Literature?” 

“Oh, yeah. Where were you?” 

“Me Dad needed help with harvesting.” Sirius smiled, looking up at the warm-skinned  man's somewhat leathery face. He was tanned, kind and quite handsome. His almost green eyes were sleepy and full of sorrow. 

“Yeah?” Sirius got his notebook and gave it to Remus with a grin. “If you ever need any notes or anything else, I can always help you with notes and assignments.” 

“Thanks for that. Same to you.” Sirius gave a smile. Remus walked out of the room and Sirius smiled as he left. 

Over dinner, Sirius, James and Peter sat together. They had all been close since they started university, Sirius and James especially. There had definitely been rumours about them being in secretive cahoots but Sirius didn’t care. If James wasn’t there at a party, Sirius wouldn’t be there either. If Sirius was in the library, you can bet James was there too. They were more than friends, brothers , as Sirius said once. Lovers the students around the school joked. 

But Sirius wasn’t thinking of James. He was thinking of his actual brother, Regulus. 

“Sirius, are you smoking tonight?” James asked, stabbing his fork into the rock solid steak with aggression. Sirius imagined the meat to be Regulus and him the fork. It sent a shiver down his spine, but almost a pleasurable shiver. He couldn’t wait to kill Regulus. 

“Hm?” He asked, innocently, pretending he hadn’t just imagined his brother dying at his own hands. 

“You got anymore pot left?” Sirius shook his head. 

“Nah. Not tonight, sorry. I sold a couple of new kids the last of my blunts so I could buy a textbook.” 

“Charitable.” James replied. Peter snorted and Sirius looked at him.

Sirius had all of his textbooks, he just wanted to buy a new stereo set. As selfish as that was. He was fine with his turntable, but wanted a wireless and cassette player in one. He watched Remus’ staggered walk as he entered the dining hall. The tall brunet did not bother to look back at him. Sirius looked back down at his dinner. Peter twiddled his fork in his hand and Sirius watched him as he clumsily faltered his cutlery. He narrowed his eyes and watched in surprise as Remus sat down with them. He looked at Sirius and gave a short smile.

“Oh, Peter, this is Remus.” Remus smiled at Peter, who was too busy sawing into his disc of a steak. 

“Oh, nice to meet you Remus.” 

“Yeah. You too.” He said, politely. Sirius looked at the tall man. He was all long awkward limbs in jeans with holes in them and jumpers that looked terribly moth-eaten. 

“Remus. Your jumper has a hole in it.” James said, pointing to Remus’ chest. He looked down and toyed with the fraying wool. 

“Oh. I might have to get my mum to look at that. She made this jumper for me, she might be able to fix it...” Sirius felt a sting of envy. Remus’ mother had made a jumper for him?! His own mother had never made anything for him. 

“This steak is so hard.” Peter mumbled. “It’s like I’m chewing rubber.” Remus looked down at the plate in front of him and scowled. 

“Yuck.” Sirius said in response. Truthfully, he was used to three course or even five course meals. At university, Sirius found it too little, but his other classmates were perfectly fine. He was used to eating like a king and felt terrible about it. 

After dinner, Sirius walked to the courtyard with Remus for a smoke. Remus didn’t talk and Sirius accepted that. Remus offered him his lighter and Sirius took it. The brush of hands sent a zap through Sirius. He didn’t even know if Remus was into men, but it didn’t stop Sirius from admiring.

“You finding your classes well?” Sirius asked. 

“Yeah. They’re all pretty good and I’m finding them very interesting.” Sirius smiled and handed him the silver zippo back, in which Remus pocketed. 

“I’m glad to hear that. Can I ask you a sorta personal question?” 

“Sure.” 

“Your parents… how is your relationship with them? You said your mother made you a jumper and I… I don’t know, that made me– it's just, my mum never would’ve…” Remus looked at him with pursed lips. Sirius couldn’t continue. Remus seemed to understand.

“My parents and I are good. I help my dad a lot around the farm, my mum and I have always been a little… dicey.” Remus said, tapping his cigarette. He returned it to his mouth

“Yeah? Me too.” Remus smiled. “This is gonna sound stupid, but Mum and Dad got a ‘prophecy’ when I was born, I would uncover the family secrets and shit like that… I can’t understand how they would even believe something like that.” Sirius laughed. Remus laughed with him. “It’s dumb. But they don’t like me much. I know it’s because of that.”

“That’s a bit funny.” Remus grinned. Sirius smiled, he knew it was a little early to be dumping this all on Remus, but he didn’t seem to mind. 

“Your mum and dad are farmers, hm?” 

“Yeah. My dad is, my mum married into farming. She was a secretary before. Knows shorthand and all those silly things.” Remus said, lighting another cigarette.

“My mum’s a housewife. My dad’s a politician. Acts like one too.” Remus laughed and looked at Sirius. 

“Y’know, I thought you’d be all stuck up… y’know, pretty and rich. But you’re not too bad afterall.” Remus said, almost laughing. Sirius knew it was a tobacco induced confession, but there was an inkling to truth. Sirius looked at him and smiled. 

“That’s really nice of you to say, Remus.” Sirius said, snuffing out his cigarette.
Remus gave a sly smile and Sirius grinned in response. 

The two men talked for a little while longer before going to their respective rooms. Remus took his shoes off and sighed. He smelt like cigarettes and burnt hair. It was nice to have talked to Sirius, the old bricks listening to their secrets as they shared them. Remus wondered how many secrets the bricks had heard, how many they had held. Sirius was just like the previous students, wealthy, pretentious and oh, so handsome. 

Remus grabbed his towel and soap and walked over to the showers, having had nothing else to do. Sirius was in there, picking at his face in the mirrors; fully clothed. The showers lacked privacy, which Remus hated. He ignored Sirius and undressed in an open shower cubicle and turned it on. All Sirius would have to do is look to his left and see a nude and wet Remus. The idea alone made Remus pathetically erect. Sirius walked out of the bathroom and Remus let out a breath. He wanted to hide, wanted to scream, wanted to rub himself against Sirius’ soft pale skin and cum all over his smug face. He hated how unashamed he felt that he was hard at the thought of Sirius looking over at his wet body.

James looked out at the front lawn, seeing Peter and Sybill snogging under the shade of a large oak tree. James frowned. He had been flirting with Lily and all her beauty could have made about 12 Venuses. James wanted her, again and again, every time he saw her, he wanted and wanted. It was painfully childish, but he didn’t care. Lily was everything he wanted and more. 

“Jamie!” Sirius said in a singsong voice. 

“Yeah?” He replied, he opened the door for his best friend. Lily stood behind him, James’ heart fluttered. 

“James, Sirius said you needed me, is everything ok?” Sirius checked his watch and smiled. 

“I’ve gotta ring my brother.” 

“Bye, Sirius.” Lily whispered. 

“See ya. Bye Jamie.” James looked at Lily as the tall, black haired man shut the door after him. James blushed and pulled her close to him by the waist. She gasped and looked at him with a flush on her pale face. 

“Sit down with me.” James said. “Please.” Lily smiled and nodded. It was awkward and silent. Lily looked at him. Her full face and green eyes were alluring and beautiful. She was tall, full and had long red hair that always smelt like flowers. James looked at her and smiled. They had known each other for years, since high school. Lily had started to show attraction to him when they began to attend university and it made James flutter like a schoolgirl. Lily rested her head on James’ shoulder and he kissed her head. 

“You’ve always been so kind to me, Lily.” James whispered. 

“Of course, why wouldn’t I be?” She smiled, looking up to him. She was so close to him and she smelt like flowers and cinnamon. “You’ve always been my James.” She whispered.

“Can I kiss you?” James asked. 

“Of course.” So he did. He kissed her deeply, it was hot and needy, it was messy and Lily crawled onto James’ lap, kissing him deeper. It was final. James smoothed down her back and kissed down her neck. 

“Mhm.” Lily grinned. James smiled nervously and shuffled back. 

He felt like a teenager. Kissing girls in his bedroom whilst the sun set, Lily was here in his room, kissing him and had her arms wrapped around him. He wanted her more than anything and now she was here to stay.

Chapter Text

Sirius grumbled as he pushed the sheets off his body. James was sleeping next to him, hungover and glasses were nowhere to be found. Sirius walked into the bathroom to have a shower and brush his teeth: he was as hungover as James, if not more. It was steamy and he could smell pine soap. He walked to an empty cubicle and stripped, thinking of Remus. The showers were next to the sinks and mirrors, thankfully not facing them. The mirrors were all fogged up from the steam, Sirius was surprised no one had drawn a penis on it. He wanted to wank. He wanted to fuck his hand and pretend it was Remus, his body hurt and ached whenever he saw him, his heart pounded in his ears. He was on the brink of insanity. 

After washing up, Sirius brushed his teeth. James walked in and ran a hand over Sirius’ shoulders as he walked. 

“Morning Jamie.” 

“Mornin’ Sirius.” He replied. It was nice, it almost felt like their own sharehouse. A bathroom to themselves and a morning greeting, just how it used to be. Sirius loved James. Sirius had wanted him when he was younger. Wanted him a little bit more than a best friend. He was always grateful for James, willing to explore his fantasies. James never reciprocated the feelings of love. Sirius and James had fooled around  when they were just in boarding school. Snuck into each other's beds and… Sirius didn’t even want to think about it. They were as quiet as possible about it and it had gone on for weeks. 

“You alright?” James gave a brief shrug and took his glasses off and put them into his pocket. Sirius watched and left as soon as he began to take his clothes off. 

He ran into Remus on his way back to the  corridor of the men’s wing; knocking his books out of his arms. 

“Oh, shit. Sorry.” Sirius murmured, biting his lip. He bent down to scoop up Remus’ books and notes. Remus slowly knelt down after him with a loud wince. “You alright?” 

“M’ back ain’t good.” Remus whispered. Sirius nodded, handing him the books and papers. 

“Old man.” He joked. Remus gave a light smile and looked at Sirius. 

“I’m sorry.” 

“For what?” 

“How I treated you when I met you.” Remus said softly.  

“Nah. Don’t worry about it.” Sirius smirked. Remus smiled at him and nodded. 

“Well, I’ll see you in Latimoore’s class?” Remus asked. 

“Sure will.” Sirius replied. He couldn’t wait to see Remus naked. 

Lily panted as James pounded into her. James was kind when it came to love making. He had tender hands and an explorative tongue. Lily’s back arched. They had finally slept together last night after Gilderoy Lockhart’s party and she wanted it again. James grunted as he thrust into her. Lily gave a sigh and held his shoulders. He kissed her neck urgently. They had been at it for twenty minutes and Lily was soaking up every ounce of pleasure like a sponge. She was surprised that James wasn’t yet tired. 

“Harder, please!” She groaned. “James…” She said, he looked at her. He was grunting, he stood over her, thrusting and 

“You are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.” James said. Lily kissed him. 

“You love to lie to me, don’t you?” Lily smiled. James thrust into her with a powerful movement. 

“I’m not lying. Fuck...” He whispered into her neck. She gasped and clawed her nails down James’ back. 

“Ah… keep… keep going…” She whimpered. She moved her hips up, urging her own body to finish on his cock. James massaged her clitoris and kissed her breast. Lily moaned and James held on tight to her hip. James grunted, fucking her slowly, he huffed against her mouth. 

“Fuck, fuck…I’m… I’m gonna… I’m gonna…” James whimpered. He gave one final thrust before finishing, his milky cum filling the condom. . Lily kissed him. He moaned and panted. 

“Was that good?” She asked. 

“Well, you haven’t cum yet.” Her eyes widened and her face flushed.

“James, I wouldn't want to make you do that.” He pulled out of her and shook his head. He slipped the condom off and threw it into the bin across the room. Lily took notice of his shrinking dick and bit her lip. She wanted it again. 

“You need to finish, Lily. I finally have you. I can’t let you go unsatisfied.” He began to suckle at her pussy. Lily melted into a pliant mess. She moaned as James’ warm mouth kissed, sucked at her clit and licked up her sheath. 

“James!” She was half moaning, half grunting, her fingers grabbing at his black curls. She felt so insecure with the disgusting ginger hair that covered her vulva, James didn’t care though. He sucked and licked at her like she tasted like heaven. 

She remembered at high school when everyone teased her with ‘ginger minge’ and other taunts because she was larger than most and outspoken and unfortunately was born with red hair. James kissed her clit once more and stuck his fingers into her. Lily’s eyes rolled back into her head and she sighed. 

James made her orgasm hard on his mouth. She let out a shuddering breath and moaned. 

“Jamie… James… I didn’t want that to end.” She moaned as he laid down next to her. 

“That was really good.” She kissed him, tucking his hair behind his ears. 

She slipped off the bed and did up her purple lacy bra. James looked at her and smirked. 

“I’ve got to go to my classics class.”

“Studious girl.” James replied. Lily kissed him.

Remus stubbedout his fag on the heel of his Converse and walked into the dining hall for dinner, Lily sat at a table gossiping with three other girls and Remus’ friends sat at a table eating a curry that looked like river water. James pushed his glasses up as Sirius whispered something to him. Remus got his tea and sat with James and Sirius. 

Sirius cocked his head to the side with his signature grin. 

“Evening Lupin.” He said. Remus returned his smirk.

“Don’t say much do you, Remus?” James said. 

“No. Tad told me not to talk too much.”

Sirius looked at him and raised his brows.

“You’re Welsh?” James asked, Remus looked at him and nodded. 

“Yeah. Me family has a farm in Wales. It's been passed down since… I dunno. It’s an old place.” Remus shrugged. Sirius looked at him. Sirius stared at him often. It was always a look of primitive want and urgency. Remus knew Sirius didn’t realise the look he gave him. Remus began to eat his dinner. Sirius smiled at him and Remus gave him a nod. 

Remus sat on his bed with a cigarette between his two first fingers and a book in his left hand. The window was open and the ashtray next to his bed was full. He only put his book down when a knock at his bedroom door broke him out of thought. 

“Hey.” It was Sirius. Remus shut his book and smiled at Sirius. 

“You alright?” Remus asked. Sirius looked  around his room, his fingers gliding across each surface in the room. His fingers stopped upon the framed photo of his parents on Remus’ desk. 

“You look like your dad.” Sirius smiled. Remus bit the inside of his cheek and nodded. 

“Wish I didn’t. Remus replied. “He’s a pain in the arse.” 

Sirius grinned and looked out the window, admiring the setting sun which basked the room in its orange light. 

“You wanna go down to the pub with me?” Sirius asked. Remus nodded but then declined. 

“I’d love to, but I ain’t got no cash.” 

“I’ll pay for ya.” Sirius grinned. His grin was broad, full and Sirius gave it out to Remus often. 

“No. I couldn’t do that to you.” Sirius laughed and shook his head. 

“Come on. I wanna get pissed. Don’t even worry about the money, Remus.” Remus swallowed and looked at him. 

“Yes, Sirius.” If only that black-haired man knew how much Remus loved him. 

Remus and Sirius sat quietly drinking from tankards, Remus watched as Sirius ran his finger around the rim of the mug; it was almost erotic. 

“You listen to a lot of music, right?” Sirius asked, Remus looked up at him and shrugged. 

“Sometimes. I like Bowie every now and then. I like Van Halen at the moment. Me mam listens to alotta Bob Dylan. I don’t mind ‘im.” Sirius laughed. 

“Oh dear… Bob Dylan, eh?” Sirius looked at him with his cheeky blue eyes. Remus blushed. 

“What music do you like?” 

“I listen to a bit of everything. Bowie, T. Rex, Zeppelin. They’re my mains.” Remus nodded. 

“Solid.” Remus replied, Sirius drained the mug and looked at Remus’. 

“Want another? I’m gonna put a song on as well.” 

“Yeah, why not?” Remus replied, handing him the glass mug. Sirius smiled and walked away. Remus looked around, seeing a black girl with a large afro that was beautifully styled and curly, white patches stood out on her dark skin. She stood with a tall blonde girl who wore a long, tight black dress with an ornate golden cross around her neck. She was covered in freckles. Remus recognised them as the girls Lily sat with at dinner. 

Sirius smiled at Remus as he returned with their beers. 

“Who are they over there?” Remus asked. 

“Mary MacDonald and Marlene Mckinnon. They’re lovely. I actually dated Mary in high school.” 

“Oh. I thought you were gay.” Remus said. Sirius looked up at him with wide eyes. 

“I am.” He said, quietly. “Are you?” 

“Yeah.” Remus returned in a low voice. 

Their whispering was titillating. Sirius looked up at Remus with longing eyes and he was biting the inside of his lip. Remus looked at him with a blank face, but if he looked under the table, he would see a lot more than a blank face. 

“Why didn’t you ask James to come with you?” Remus asked. 

“He was with Lily. I didn’t wanna do that to them.” Sirius whispered. 

“Right. Thanks for taking me out.” 

“Are you leaving?” Sirius asked. 

“No? What makes you think that?” 

“I just thought you were preparing to head off.” 

“Nah.” Remus smirked. “I still gotta beer to finish.” Sirius gave a huff of laughter and took a large swallow of his own beer. 

Sirius had a couple more beers and stumbled out of the pub with Remus. Remus tucked his hands into his jean pockets. They stood out the front to have a cigarette. 

“Thanks for coming out with me, Remus.” 

“Nah. No worries.” Remus replied. His curly mop of hair was messy and went into his eyes, Sirius wanted to brush it out of his face and kiss his eyelids and then suck his dick. Sirius wanted to do so many things to Remus but couldn’t make himself do them. Or even admit that he was attracted to Remus’ person, not just his looks.

Was he actually hot or was he just a gay man that fell into Sirius’ lap? 

He couldn’t even tell at that point.

Chapter Text

Sirius let out a cry of annoyance as someone knocked on the door, he slammed the magazine he was looking at down. He put his pants back on quickly and stormed over to the door. It was James, he pursed his lips and hummed. 

“What do you want? I am trying to have a wank.” 

“Good morning to you too. I was wondering if I left my towel in your room.” 

“Yeah you did. I was gonna give it to you last night, but I went down to the pub with Remus instead.” 

“Really? How was that?” 

“Good. He’s so fucking hot.” Sirius sighed, dreamily. James laughed. 

“Alright. I’ll leave you to do whatever it is you need to do.” James smirked. He threw the blue towel over his shoulder and left. Sirius looked out of his bedroom window to see Remus crossing the courtyard with his large bag hanging over his shoulder.  

Sirius fell down onto his bed and pulled his pants down again, feeling himself harden at the thought of Remus just in his presence, the way he looked at Remus last night, the way Remus returned it.  

Sirius wanted him like nothing else. Something was burning in his stomach, lust, desire, whatever it was it was so fucking animalistic and primitive that Sirius couldn’t handle it. He slipped down onto the floor, kneeling and resting his head and left arm on his bed. He rubbed lotion down his cock and moaned hard against his bed. 

Just a single thought of Remus and a stroke of his cock made him hard, his dick curved, it was pulsing, twitching. Remus would laugh at him, tease him endlessly, taunt him when he came and praise him when Remus made him suck his dick that had just fucked him mindless. Why was he getting so horny over a man he had barely met?

All of these things that Sirius wanted him to do were so lewd and erotic that Sirius blushed at his own thoughts, his body had been pumped full of his addiction to the thought of Remus, he didn’t even know if Remus would do those things to him. He didn’t even know Remus. He moaned surreptitiously and moved his hips into his hand. He fucked his hand hard, panting and rubbing urgently, he felt the pressure building up behind his dick, ready to burst and ejaculate his hot white semen all over his hand, moaning and pumping himself furiously and readily. He gave pathetic, panting moans that urged his hips forward, making him cum messily all over his hand. He whimpered and moaned as he finally came. He whispered Remus’ name, moaning against his bed; biting down on the blankets and shaking as his orgasm left his body and fell into the silence of the room. 

“Remus…” He panted. “Oh… Remus.” 

Remus walked carelessly over to the tree in the courtyard and opened his cigarette case. It was nearly empty. He lit one and opened his book. His troubles melted away with the cigarette. He wet his lips and sighed the smoke out. 

“I love that book!” It was the tall blonde woman that had been at the pub the previous night.

“Yeah? I picked it up as my philosophy lecturer suggested I should read through it.” 

“I’m Marlene. Remus, right? Mere Christianity is such a wonderful light on Christianity and it makes it almost humorous.” She talked with a light voice, her Irish accent almost a whisper.

“He’s clever about it, aye? Yeah, I’m Remus. Me parents hate me.” Marlene laughed and sat down in front of Remus, she had long blonde hair, large beautiful brown eyes and wore modest clothes. 

“I saw you in the pub with Sirius the other night. You looked like you enjoyed his company.” Remus’ face flushed. 

“I don’t think anyone else noticed.” She winked. 

“Right.” Remus replied. Marlene looked at him and gave a polite smile. 

Marlene opened up a bible next to Remus and the two read silently. He looked over at the blonde woman, she was really quite pretty. 

“You’re studying to become a teacher, are you?” Remus didn’t know why that was the first thing he assumed. 

“No. An open-heart surgeon. It’s what God intended for me.” She said with a grin. 

“Holy shit.” Remus replied with raised brows. 

“Not many people expect me to say that, hm?” She smiled. 

“I can imagine not.” Remus replied, Marlene smiled and put her legs out in front of her, letting her skirt gently slide up her smooth and pale leg. Remus wanted to brush his fingers over them. A weird lust flooded Remus’ body. A lust he thought only reserved to Sirius. 

Marlene smiled at Remus and returned to her bible, leaving Remus wondering who she truly was. 

When Remus returned to his room, he finally pulled out his record player, feeling a little jealous of Sirius’ new, expensive fancy record player with all the buttons and settings. He plugged it into the wall and put the Doors on. 

Don’t you love her madly? 

Don’t you need her badly? 

 Remus tuned the pitch and laid down on his bed. He thought of his family, how they would react to the fact that he lived at  university, how they would react when he told them that the entire student body combined probably had ten times the amount of money that Remus’s family owned. He felt jealous, envious, greedy, angry. All of this rage that filled him was unusual and claustrophobic. 

Yeah, don’t you love her?

Don’t you love her as she’s walking out the door?

A knock, Remus opened the door to see Sirius standing outside. 

“Playing the Doors and didn’t think to tell me?” He smirked. Remus wanted to strip him and ravish him, fucking him until he came all over himself and Remus’ bed. He wanted to unleash his animal urges. He wanted to climax into Sirius, he wanted to dominate and fuck until that gorgeous black hair was knotted between his fingers and until Sirius couldn’t breathe. 

Sirius and Remus laid on the bed and smoked together. Sirius’ long black curls spread out across the polyester sheets and duvet. 

“I want to shag Marlene McKinnon.” Remus said, loudly. Sirius looked at him, cocking a brow.

“Really?”

“She’s gorgeous.” Remus whispered, “I just really want to shag her.”  He thought of Sirius’ lean body, the light muscles that dragged up his arms, the lust between his legs. He imagined it to be long, covered in curly black hair, thick, round, pink at the top.

“I see what you mean. She’s quite good looking, aye?” 

“She’s fit.” Remus replied, not wanting to admit that the Marlene he was thinking of was Sirius. 

“You and James, has… anything happened?” Remus asked, looking at him. 

“Yeah. At school. We just needed to find some release.” Sirius whispered, taking his cigarette into his mouth.  

“He’s also quite fit, James.” Remus whispered. “Isn’t he?” 

“Yeah. He is.” Sirius said, looking over at Remus with his blue eyes. “You do like men, don’t you?” 

“Yeah. Had many people think ’m bisexual rather than gay, but they don’t know me. I like men, I want to shag men, I want men.” Remus said. He knew what he had said just two minutes before contradicted, but he didn’t care. He wanted Sirius to know just how much he wanted him. He wanted to fuck, throttle, whip, kiss, lick, touch him. Remus was going crazy with the thought of Sirius, he was next to him, the warmth of his body just right next to him, Remus wanted to fuck him. He was right there, right next to him. 

What was happening to him?

Chapter Text

Regulus blinked as Sirius folded his arms over his chest at the door of the family home. 

“Morning.” Sirius said. He knew that he spoke lazily in comparison to his family, but he didn’t care anymore. 

“Morning.” Regulus replied. “What are you doing here?” 

“I wanted to see you.” Sirius whispered. Regulus frowned and looked at Sirius. 

“Come in. Mum and Dad won’t be happy.” Sirius shrugged off his jacket and hung it on the coat rack, sighing as Regulus pulled his hair. “You need to cut off your mane.” 

“Shut up.” Sirius replied. 

Walburga and Orion Black looked not only surprised, but angry as Sirius walked into the drawing room. He shoved his hands into his pockets. The tea tray rested on the coffee table, the blue china matched his mothers eyes, the eyes he had seen blazing when being struck, the eyes he knew all too well. The eyes that matched his own. 

“Hello Mother. Hello Father.” 

“Sirius.” Orion began, lowering the newspaper in front of him. Walburga dropped her teacup, her hands trembling. Regulus sat down in an armchair, glaring at his brother. 

Sirius knew that Regulus wouldn’t be alive to see Christmas. 

He knew that he was going to kill his younger brother. 

As Sirius walked out the door after glaring with his mother and talking to his father sparingly, he patted his pockets to check he had everything. Regulus walked out with him. 

“It was nice to see you.” 

“You too, Reg. I miss you when I’m at school.” 

“I know. Write to me more please.” 

“I’ll try.” Sirius smiled as Regulus handed him his jacket. 

“Take care.” 

“Thank you, Regulus. You too.” 

Sirius caught the train back to the uni and bit his lip as he walked into the school, anxious that maybe his thought to commit fratricide was a little too extreme. It was late afternoon when he got back to Oxford. 

“Oi! Sirius!” He turned, seeing Peter walk over to him. He was never fond of Peter, he was annoying and loud. The only part that was good about him was that he was friends with Gilderoy Lockhart, who always had the best parties as his father owned a few halls on campus as well as blocks of land behind the school where he had these parties. 

“Peter, hey.” He smiled. “You going alright?” 

“Yeah fine, just coming back from Sybill’s. She is weirdly obsessed with these tarot cards and her crystal ball.” 

“Tell her that you have a couple crystal balls she can rub instead.” Peter looked at Sirius and turned bright red. 

“Oh.” Was all he said. 

Sirius gave a smirk and opened the door to his room. He laid down and lit a cigarette. 

“Mmm…” he hummed. It felt normal to be back at uni. His room was cosy, smelt of cigarettes and his perfume, and it was perfect to be alone in. He walked to his desk and began to write a letter to his brother in his perfect cursive. 

Sirius had other assignments to be working on, but this was the most important. A letter to his brother he was going to kill.  

Remus lit a cigarette as Sirius flopped down onto the bed next to him. Sirius acted often like a teenager around Remus, which he didn’t mind, but found irritating at times. 

David Bowie’s vocals filled the room and Remus sighed out smoke. Sirius leaned into Remus’ face, so close, he believed Sirius was going to kiss him, but instead lit his fag on Remus’ burning cigarette and sucked in his beautiful pale cheeks. Remus gasped as Sirius backed away. 

“Liked that did you?” Sirius snickered. Remus didn’t respond. They listened to David Bowie and Sirius hummed along. 

“Hey.” Sirius began, Remus looked at him. 

“Yeah?” 

“Do you think that maybe Bowie wrote Starman ‘bout himself?” Remus looked at Sirius and snickered. 

“You’re taking the piss, aren’t ya?” 

“No!” Sirius laughed. Remus looked at him and laughed and laughed. It was the first time he had really laughed since he started.

“Surely not, Sirius! Oh, for god’s sake!” He laughed until he was panting. Sirius frowned and looked at Remus. 

“It was just a question.” 

“A hilarious one.” Sirius hit him and Remus cackled more. 

“Are you on drugs?” Sirius asked, Remus looked at him and wiped his eyes. “I have never heard you laugh that much.”

“I ain’t on drugs but if you have any I’ll take it.” Remus grinned, he propped himself up on his elbows. 

“Oh, shut up.” Sirius whispered, with a smirk. Remus looked at him and smirked. “Has anything been happening with you and McKinnon?” Remus looked at him. 

“As if.” Remus smirked. “I ain’t got no game.” 

“I could help you.” Sirius grinned. 

“Nah. I just wanna talk with her a little more.” Remus grinned. He returned his cigarette to his mouth and looked at Sirius. “You want anyone at the moment?” 

“Yeah.” Sirius said quietly. “I don’t want him to know yet.” Remus looked at him. 

“James?” He asked. 

“No. No… not James, never James.” Sirius began. “I just want to focus on my studies this year. I am in line to get my degree very soon and I don’t want to fail.” 

“Fair enough.” Remus replied. “If you need help with your studies. Let me know.” Remus smiled. 

“Thanks, Remus.” Sirius looked at him and turned up the volume to his record player. 

Remus watched the lean muscles in his arm move as he retreated and returned his cigarette to his mouth. The desire that filled Remus was almost embarrassing. Sirius looked at Remus and gave a smirk. 

“I really like listening to music with you.” Remus said, “you know all these interesting bands and stuff.” 

“I listen to a lot of music.” Sirius smirked and looked at him. “James’ parents helped me find them as well.” 

“Ah, right.” Remus said. He ashed his cigarette and looked at Sirius. “You’ve got good taste nonetheless.” 

“Thank you, Remus.” Sirius replied, smiling. Remus extracted a book from his bedside table and began to read. Sirius watched him.

The calm Remus experienced while praying next to Marlene McKinnon was indescribable. Marlene invited him to pray for adoration with her. He was shamelessly thinking of Sirius and what he would do to him. Not very godly.

“We ask this in your name, Jesus Christ.” Marlene whispered. Remus looked up at the crucifix and grimaced. The image of the crucifix had always made him uncomfortable. The look of hurt and the angst on his face, the pleading eyes. Remus always wanted to save the poor man. 

Marlene looked over at Remus. Her brown eyes were somewhat damp and her long blonde hair perfect as always. 

“Thank you for coming with me, Remus. That was very kind of you.” 

“Of course, Marlene. I wanted to check out the chapel anyway.” Marlene smiled at him and grasped his hands, bringing them up to her mouth and kissing them kindly with her puffy pink lips. 

Remus still wanted Sirius at that moment. 

Sirius made him weak. Marlene was just a distraction. 

Regulus walked down the staircase, his mother and father talking quietly on the couch. They had never gotten along. He knew that Walburga had thrown herself down the stairs to try and take care of her pregnancy by herself. Their butler, Kreacher, had told Regulus about what she had done. She and Orion had received a prophecy when Sirius was born and were too scared to have another child as they were scared that he or she would follow suit. Walburga had also tried to kill Orion many-a-time, poison, garroting and near stabbing. Regulus never wanted his parents to be his parents.

Sirius didn’t want them either. 

He ran away at 16 and only came back to rarely see his brother. He attended Oxford, he had lovers, he had a very best friend. Regulus had nothing but an old butler. He had money, riches, a big house lined up in his parents will, but none of it made him happy. 

He wanted what Sirius had. 

He would do anything to gain that wealth. 

Anything at all.

Chapter Text

Sirius watched as the woman writhed and thrashed upon her bed. His cousin was known to be insane and his aunt and uncle decided to commit her after she had eaten a man's ear. Sirius grew increasingly uncomfortable as she began to sit up, her long, frizzy black curls over her face and her breathing ragged and violent. 

Sirius worried that someday he too would be put in a mental institution and never be let out again. His parents already didn’t like him, so one wrong move and he was gone. 

He didn’t have that worry anymore. He just had the worry that Remus didn’t like him the way that he liked him and the fact that he might get caught for the murder of his brother. He hadn’t even killed him yet and was scared of the thought that he might get put in jail. 

“Mr. Black?” Sirius looked up at his professor as he approached the lectern. 

“Sorry, professor. I just needed to grab the critical reading you handed out last week. I wasn’t here.” 

“You attended one of Mr. Lockhart’s parties, I assume?” Sirius looked up at the greying man and blinked. 

“No.” He lied.

“I’m no fool, Mr. Black. Though I was doing a lot worse when I was your age.” He pulled out a stack of barely stapled together pieces of paper. “You don’t have to read all of it, just enough to gather quotes, alright?” 

“Thank you, professor.” Sirius smiled. The professor pulled out a wooden pipe and began to walk up the lecture hall stairs. 

“See you tomorrow, Mr. Black. And, if I may add. Keep close with the Lupin boy. He will do you good.” 

Remus sighed as Marlene sat on his lap, her long blonde hair getting in the way of her messy kisses. They were both in their underwear, Remus moaned as she ran her hands through his hair. She kissed the top of his lip and he grabbed her hair and slipped his hands down her back, sliding against her white bra clasp. It was almost see-through, Remus didn’t mind. He grabbed her breast and she sighed against his mouth. 

“Remus… just wait a second.” She whispered. He did as he was asked. Marlene looked at him. “I don’t know what I’m doing.” She continued, sitting back down on the bed. 

“Me neither.” Marlene sat with her head down low and her hands clutching the side of the bed.

“I think I’m a lesbian.” Remus looked over at her. The cross hanging below her collarbones taunted Remus. The religion of Marlene was beautiful but also threatening. 

“Yeah? I’m gay too.” Remus said, “I’ve got someone I like but I can’t tell him.” 

“Yeah? Who?” She asked, grinning. 

“I think you know.” Remus said, quietly. He didn’t know if he still wanted her or his state of arousal had significantly changed. Marlene looked at him and bit her lip. 

“Sirius?” She whispered in his ear. 

“Yeah.” Marlene looked at Remus. 

“This is really awkward.” Remus whispered. 

“It’s alright. We don’t have to do it.” Marlene said, adjusting her long white legs out in front of her. “Remus?” 

“Yeah?” She looked at him.

“I just want to thank you for being so kind to me.” Remus gave a grin and shrugged. 

“I haven’t really. I just like ya.” 

“I like you too.” 

“I feel so ridiculous. I thought shaggin’ you would just help me try and get over Sirius.” Remus murmured.

“Mmm, that’s always something girls want to hear.” Marlene whispered. Remus looked at her. 

“Sorry.” Remus replied, quickly. Marlene smiled and snickered. 

“Remus, your mouth isn’t connected to your brain, is it?” 

“Half the time, nah.” Marlene kissed him and Remus sighed against her mouth, holding her body close to his. Marlene kissed his mouth tenderly and gently. She was kind, her movements graceful and floaty, Remus liked her.

She was girlish and wore her hair in plaits and with ribbons, the freckles caressed her face, kissed by a thousand angels , is what his mother would say. Crosses and medallions around her neck, the sacredness of her soul paralleled with Remus’ lack of guidance. He felt empty compared to her.

Marlene began to put her clothes back on. Her white shirt and her pink flowered skirt. 

“I’m sorry this didn’t work out, Marls.” He said, softly. 

“It’s not your fault. We tried. Let’s just talk if you’re comfortable with that.” 

“Yeah. That sounds good.” 

Sirius walked along the corridor, pacing along, waiting for Remus to answer him. James had a sock on his door, the library was closed and all he wanted to do was to see Remus. He was going mental. Marlene McKinnon stepped out of Remus’ room and a sudden burst of jealousy and rage filled him. 

“Oh, hello Sirius.” 

“Hi Marlene. You have a nice time with Remus?” 

“Oh, we just talked. Is that what you’re asking about?” 

“Yeah.” He narrowed his eyes and she furrowed her brows.

“Remus didn’t want that . I didn’t either.” She said, shortly. “Bye!” She skipped off. Sirius walked into Remus’ room. He was in his boxers and his body was skinny and tanned. His sun-browned skin was freckled. He looked and swallowed.

“Afternoon.” Sirius began. Remus looked at him. “Why are you in your underwear?” Sirius asked. 

“I wasn’t expecting you. I was going to have a wank.”

“Oh. Right.” Sirius said, “sorry. I wanted to see you. James got a sock on his door.” 

“Shit. Lucky bastard.” Sirius smirked. 

“Things didn’t go the way you wanted with Marls, eh?” 

“It was… awkward. She was on top of me and kissing me but then we stopped as she told me that she’s gay and all of that. I was so flustered.” Remus put his shirt back on and smiled. 

“Sounds fun.” Sirius said, crossing the room to Remus. He cocked a brow and smirked. He got nice and close to Remus. Sirius could see the dark hair on his upper lip, the thick, long eyelashes, his heavy brows. Remus had hazel eyes and a scar in his eyebrow. Remus was quite handsome. Sirius must not have looked at him that well. 

“Can I help you?” Remus whispered. Sirius looked at him more. The pores on his face became more clear and familiar as he mapped out Remus’ face.“Sirius?” 

“You’ve got a nice face, Remus.” Remus gave a smirk and laughed at him. 

Remus didn’t know how much Sirius wanted to kiss him at that moment. 

A letter. Unopened, sealed with green wax. He wanted to purge the anger that filled him. Wanted to punch something, wanted to throw a fit, wanted to fuck Remus until the bed broke. Sirius wanted to toss it into a fire. It was in his brother's stupidly perfect cursive handwriting and he wanted to kill him even more in that moment. Toss him down the stairs, pull his little head like a puppet, smash his pretty face through a window. He tossed it on his desk, carelessly and opened his window to light a cigarette. 

James walked into the room and Sirius cocked a brow. 

“Morning Black.” 

“Morning Potter. Have fun with Evans last night?” 

“I did, actually.” 

“I want to tell Remus I want him. I don’t know how.” 

“Just ask him.” 

“What if he says no?” 

“I’m sure he won’t.” Sirius had wanted him since he had seen him from across the courtyard smoking. His body last night had sent Sirius’ libido through the room and when he returned to his room he came in three strokes. 

Sirius had never wanked this much in a school term. He was usually too focused on studying, not on hot gay men. 

“Arghh… I don’t want to though! I’m too anxious. I’ll do it after Christmas.” 

“Seriously?” James replied. Sirius looked at him and flushed. “You’ve never waited that long to shag someone.” 

“I don’t want to just shag him, Jamie.” Sirius began. “I want him wholly. I want him more than anything. I… I want him. Badly.” Peter walked into the room and smiled at the two men. 

“Hello.” He said. Sirius sighed and moved away from James. 

“Hey Pete. You alright?”

“Yeah. I just wanted to talk to you boys.” He smiled, “haven’t spoken to you in a while.” Sirius nodded and sat down on his bed, puffing away at his cigarette. He looked down at his record basket as James and Peter talked. The Led Zeppelin albums that James and his parents had gotten him for his birthdays and Christmas, the heavy rock albums his cousin had given him and the one singular Bob Dylan record Regulus had gotten him one year. It was still in its protective sleeve, the plastic still wrapped around it. Regulus thought he might like it. It had been four years since his brother had given him that record and Sirius had it at the back of all his other records. 

How many things that Regulus had given him that had been sitting unopened? Sirius knew the number was too high.

Remus sat under a tree, puffing away at a spliff and hummed the song he was listening to on his walkman. It was nice just to be alone with himself, getting high without Sirius was lonely but he didn’t mind. Marlene sat down next to him and smiled at him. He took his headphones off and paused the song.

“Hey.” He said, offering her the joint. 

“Hey, Remus.” She smiled, taking it. “You like this tree, don’t you?” She pressed it to her lips, almost naturally. Remus smiled and watched her. 

“Yeah. It’s nice. Not many kids come ‘round here, ‘snice to read or smoke.” 

“Hmm… I can imagine.” She smiled. “I used to sit here too.” Remus smiled and she passed the joint back to him. 

Remus and Marlene fell down on the bed, lips crashing over each other, bodies intertwined, messy kisses trailing down necks. Buttons being tenderly eased away, teeth clacking together. 

“Call me whatever name you need.” Remus whispered into Marlene’s ear. She looked at him with pity. He couldn’t understand why. 

They sat on the side of the bed. 

“That was…” Marlene began.

“Something.” Remus replied. Marlene looked at him and smiled. 

“We tried it.” 

“Mm.” Remus hummed in response. “You finish?” 

“No.” She said, her posture erect and her white flowery bralette covered her perfectly round breasts.

“Yeahhh.” Remus drew out. “Me neither.” She giggled and looked at him.

“You looked really nice though.” Marlene said, kissing him. 

“Mm… ‘m sure I didn’t.” He said, kissing her neck. He ran his fingers through her long blonde hair and kissed her deeply. “I think we should stop pretending we’re not gay.” 

“Probably. We keep trying to make it work, it’s not going to. I just want the girl that I like.” 

“Who?” Remus asked. 

“Dorcas Meadowes. She’s a guest lecturer and she’s so smart and gorgeous and lovely. I am so in love with her.” 

“She sounds great. I just want to be friends with you Marlene. I don’t know why we keep trying to sleep together.” 

“It’s alright Remus. God has a plan for us.” She rested her soft head on his shoulder.

“You might be right.” He said, wrapping an arm around her. 

Sirius wanted to claw down his face when he heard that Marlene McKinnon had taken Remus’ virginity. 

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” He scowled as the tall man walked into the library. James looked at him. 

“If you were that desperate, you should have done it yourself.” James shrugged.

“Shut up.” Sirius replied. James snickered. Remus sat down with them and Sirius leaned back in his chair. 

“Afternoon, Lupin.” James smiled. 

“Hey James. Hey Sirius.” 

“You fucked Marlene McKinnon?!” He shouted. Remus’ eyes went wide and his perfect lips crept into a smile. 

“Not really. Didn’t even cum.” He said, briskly. 

“Oh.” Sirius blushed. James snorted and Remus laughed. 

Sirius slid under the table: mortified. 

Remus and Sirius walked out into the courtyard to have a smoke. Sirius walked far away from Remus: he was too embarrassed to talk to him. 

“You don’t have to be embarrassed, Sirius.” Remus said, softly. He was becoming kinder and more soft with Sirius and James. He was brash and crude with people he didn’t know, but still made an attempt to be civil. He was duplicitous, but Sirius found it charming.

“I’m trying not to be.” He had practically announced it to the whole library. Remus ought to hate him. 

They lit up their fags and Sirius looked at Remus with an apologetic look. 

“Sorry.” 

“It’s okay.” Remus replied. 

Sirius moved closer to Remus and stayed quiet. He thought about his family. The tears his mother shed when he left, the scratch marks Regulus left on his back when he packed up his room and gave him a desperate hug. Regulus was the only person Sirius would run to in a room full of family. Regulus would be there for him when he wept from his mother and father hitting him. 

All of a sudden James and Regulus’ faces began to blur together. Their black curls and their smiles. 

“Sirius, do you have a brother?” Remus asked. 

“Yeah. Ja-Regulus. Regulus is his name.” 

“I thought you did. I saw your family in the newspaper. They all look like you.” 

“Perks of being inbred.” Sirius smirked. Remus raised his eyebrows. 

“Didn’t realise that families still did that. You don’t look inbred.” 

“Yeah. My parents are cousins.” Remus laughed. Sirius looked at him and laughed along with him. 

Sirius and Remus walked back to the men’s wing. 

“I’ve gotta use the phone. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Sirius said, squeezing Remus’ arm. 

“Alright. Sleep well.” Remus smiled. 

Sirius walked to the phone and slipped a couple coins in. He dialed Regulus’ number. 

“Hello?” His brother’s soft voice asked. 

“Hey Reg. How are you?” 

“Peachy. Thanks.” Regulus replied. “Why are you calling me?” 

“I wanted to talk to you. I missed you.” 

“Yeah, right. What do you want?” Sirius swallowed. 

“What was your letter about?” 

“Did you not read it?” 

“No.” 

“Of course you didn’t.” He said, “I was asking you how school was. How your other brother was. James.” 

“James is fine. Thank you. He’s not my other brother. You are my only brother, please, Reg.”

“No he’s not, but you prefer his parents over ours. I’ve had enough. Bye, Sirius.” He hung up. 

“Pompous dickhead.” Sirius snapped; slamming the receiver back on the wall.

That ache that wanted to kill Regulus stung his heart. It convulsed and shuddered.

Regulus was going to die. Whether he liked it or not.

Chapter Text

Remus was walking with his shoulders tucked in, his hands in his pockets as the weather got colder; the leaves crunched under his feet and the trees were bare. The green scarf around his neck was warm and scratchy. Sirius walked across the lawn and stopped when he got to Remus. 

“Hey, Remus.” 

“Hey. You alright?” He asked. Sirius looked at him, scratched his neck, wet his lips and pulled on a strand of hair. He looked manic. 

“Yeah. Just tired. Bit cold, ey?” Sirius said, smudging the eyeliner around his eyes. He was not dressed for the weather. T-shirt and jeans. Remus was bundled up in a coat, scarf and trousers. 

“Biting.” Remus replied. 

“You talk so lazily, but really you’re a big ponce underneath.” 

“Dickhead.” Remus sneered. Sirius cackled. Remus took off his scarf and gave it to Sirius. “Here. You’ve got goosebumps.” He let the taller man wrap it around his throat. 

“Hm. Thank you, Lupin.” Remus smiled at him, feeling his neck grow chilly. “I look dicky with your scarf and my T-shirt.” Remus shrugged. 

“Oh well. At least you're warmer now.” He smiled at Sirius and walked off. 

Remus pushed open the doors of the men’s wing and Lily sat on one of the benches examining her nails. 

“Lily.” Remus said. 

“Remus! Good to see you!” She exclaimed, greeting him with a hug. 

“What are you doing?” 

“Waiting for James, you know.” Remus smiled and nodded.  

“How are you two going?” 

“Well. He wants to do some things with me. If you know what I mean.” She gave a terrible wink. 

“Oh. Charming.” She giggled and pulled on his lapel. 

“Sirius? How’s he going?” 

“Gave him me scarf this morning. Tryna flirt a bit.” Remus said, shoving his hands in his coat pocket and finding a lonesome cigarette. He tucked it behind his ear and gave Lily a kiss on the cheek. 

“Alright, I’ve got some personal research to do.” He said. “I’ll see you later.” 

“Remus!” Lily laughed. Her laughter echoed off the brick foyer walls. 

Sirius came into Remus’ room. He was smoking and reading a novel for class. 

“Hey. Came to give you your scarf back. That was very nice.” He said. 

“No worries. It’s getting cold, so don’t want you starting to freeze.” Remus said, not looking up from his book. He ashed his cigarette and returned it to his lips, meeting Sirius’ gaze. 

“I won’t.” Sirius grinned and looked at his desk. “Do you have a book I could borrow from ya?” 

“Look in my drawers or in the hutch. I hide them.” Sirius began to open up Remus’ desk drawers and pulled out novels and essays. Poetry books and biographies. 

Remus wanted Sirius to fall on top of him right now and kiss him and fuck him until he imploded. His tight ass was the only thing that Remus could focus on. 

Sirius plucked a book out of Remus’ drawer. It was Mere Christianity by C.S Lewis. The same book he had been reading when Marlene introduced herself. 

“Yeah. I just finished that, it was really enjoyable. Marlene likes it too.” 

“Even recommended by the Catholic? Oh dear, it must be good.” Remus rolled his eyes and looked out the window. 

“That one’s a library book; can you return it for me when you’re done?” The black-haired man nodded. 

Sirius sat down on the bed with Remus and laid beside him. Remus looked over at him and passed him his cigarette. Sirius took it and they stared at each other until Remus took the fag back.

“Pretty eyes.” Remus murmured. 

“Hm?” 

“You’ve got nice eyes. They’re like the night sky. They’re pretty.” Sirius smiled. 

“Thank you, Remus.” Sirius lit his own cigarette and the smoke they shared twisted, mingled and intertwined and floated up to the ceiling. Remus ached to rest his hand on Sirius’ crotch and squeeze until he shrieked out in pain or pleasure. 

They laid until Sirius finished his cigarette and walked out into the hallway, farewelling his companion and walking quickly to his room. 

Sirius got to his room and slammed the door, unbuckling his jeans and throwing them down onto his floor. Remus’ eyes had been wandering, his body had tempted Sirius; wanting to touch him, pleasure him and fuck him until he screamed, cried, wept, yelled out for God. Sirius fell face first onto his bed, stroking his slick cock, urging and wanting, fucking his hand until he exploded over his hand and dripped down onto the floor. He moaned loudly, whimpering and gasping for air as his hips cocked and thrust into the air, humping like a dog. 

There was seriously something wrong with him. 

Lily rested her head on James’ chest. She sighed. 

“You look so pretty.” He said. Lily kissed him. James ran his fingers through Lily’s hair and she kissed him again. 

“James. I feel like Sirius and Remus are too in love with each other. I feel like we should lock them up in a room and see who moves first.” 

“You’re evil.” James laughed. Lily grinned. 

“No. I’m just sick of seeing them pining.” 

“Oh, sweetheart.” James laughed louder. The setting sun shined through the window. The dregs of summer at the beginning of the term were nice, but Lily had always preferred the cooler months. The days went away faster, the nights were meant for cuddling and the moon shone her gorgeous face closer to Earth. 

The beauty that Lily found across the mundane influenced her understanding of permanence and futility. Ebb and flow of the natural world. She found that beauty in James. That natural, calm beauty. His hands were gentle, his mouth was kind and his dark eyes melted her soul down. 

Sirius had an ethereal beauty, a kind of beauty that would stay, that would never be shaken from your soul. 

Remus had an animal sort of beauty. It was feral and calm. Juxtaposition within his body. Lily knew that his heart must be at war with his brain. 

Logic messes with desire. 

Remus and Sirius knew this. 

That’s why they wouldn’t get together.

The lust for knowledge and greatness, the desire to break free, consumed them greatly. The longing for each other, the longing for greatness; they blurred in their minds and hearts.

This author knows all too well that greatness and longing corrode the mind. 

Remus and Sirius sat silently in the library, reading and writing. Sirius bumped Remus’ foot under the table. 

“Sorry.” He whispered. Remus didn’t look up from his writing. His handwriting was printed, all capitals and small. It contrasted from Sirius’ pure cursive. Sirius looked down at his writing and felt a foot pressed against his ankle. Remus looked at him and cocked a brow and smirked. Sirius felt his face flush. Remus kept his foot pressed up against Sirius’ leg until James walked into the library and sat down with them.

“You boys alright?”

“Fine, thank you James.” Remus replied, looking over at the brown skinned man. Sirius wrote on the margin of his book, he had his foot on my leg. I think I am about to cum . James looked at Sirius and tried to hold in his laughter. Sirius kicked him under the table. James coughed. He took the book and wrote in his messy cursive, sorry to hear that mate. I think you could probably change that IF YOU ASKED HIM OUT. Sirius snatched the book from him and scowled. James gave him a look and tapped Remus. Sirius wanted to smack him.

“Oi, we’re gonna go up and get drunk and high in the bell tower tonight, you wanna come with us?” James asked, referring to both himself and Sirius. 

“Yes please. That sounds brilliant.” Remus replied. Sirius looked at James and blushed. James had always been a temptation to Sirius. He had always been beautiful. Beautiful faced, beautiful hearted, beautiful body. Everything about him was so beautiful, Sirius didn’t want him anymore. He wanted Remus and now he was right in front of him, but Sirius still couldn’t get him. Just out of reach. 

Sirius knocked on Remus’ door. It was late. Too late to be acting like teenagers. James followed him and hung his lanky arms around Sirius’ shoulders as he pushed open Remus’ door. 

He was in bed, asleep, his long arms falling off the bed. 

“Remus.” He whispered. “Remus!”

“Hm?” He moaned. “What?” 

“We’re going up to the bell tower now.” James whispered. 

“Mhm. Lemme just put my pants on.” Remus yawned. Sirius and James watched him as he slipped on his pants and chucked a school jumper over his bony torso. 

Sirius didn’t have the energy to want him. 

They collected Peter on the way and climbed stairs. Stairs after stairs, Sirius had packed his pockets full of joints, his radio, his lighter and a stray pack of cigarettes, and he was beginning to feel the weight of it all pulling him down. 

James pushed the heavy door open to the bell tower. It was brass, heavy and stunning.

“James, I'm gonna drop that on you one day.” Sirius said. 

“Shut up. I’ll push you out onto the courtyard. You’ll be flat.” Sirius stuck his tongue out and James stuck a rather rude gesture up. Sirius pulled out three rolled joints. 

“Oh shit. I left the other one in my room.” He groaned. Remus was quiet. Peter opened the bottle of whiskey James had brought and took a large swallow. 

“Ah!” He exclaimed. James grinned and took it from the blond man. Sirius handed the fags out and Peter smiled and pulled out a lighter from his pocket.

“Remus, want your own or happy to share?” 

“Let’s share.” He said in return, his hazel eyes desperate. 

The bottle of whiskey was passed around and they spent their night like teenagers. 

Sirius wandered to the other side of the tower, flicking cigarette ash from his lit cigarette down into the courtyard. 

He paced, back and forth, not caring if the boys were watching him. He looked out at the night sky, seeing his own star and trying to find the Leo constellation, trying to find his brother. But he just couldn’t. He threw his head back in frustration and knitted his brows. 

“Where are you?” He murmured. 

Regulus looked around as he walked into his mother’s room; opening her bedside table and extracted her journals. They were tattered and falling apart, but they represented her. They were her young self. They were the beginning of his brother and the ending of his mother. 

He began to read, trying to understand her. Trying to understand his brother. 

29th January 1959

Orion is beginning to think I am barren. I assure him I am not, my mother and grandmother fell easily pregnant, but me. I cannot seem to imagine why. Although I suspect it might be because of our family. Inbreeding is what we are known for. A cousin, an uncle, a brother if necessary. It doesn’t matter as long as the blood is pure. 

I am frightened that my children will turn out with four arms! Oh, I could never show my face again. 

Although my monthly is late, I do not feel as though I am pregnant.

I hope not. 

But I hope I am too. 

3rd February 1959

I am pregnant. 

I have never wanted anything less. 

Orion is pleased. I am not. 

A prophecy was foretold today. My child will grow to reject me as his mother, my husband as his father and his blood. He will destroy our legacy, our family as a whole. As much as he tries, he cannot escape blood. It does not wash off easily.

4th March 1959

I have repeatedly thrown myself down the stairs, trying to evict this parasite– this leech from me. I have thought about jumping off the balcony, getting a knife from the kitchen and eradicating it myself, or maybe just dying instead. I’ve heard the feminists use the wire from their bras to do so. I am too cowardly to do it myself. 

Why do I want to die? 

Why do I want him to die? 

Regulus thumbed through the pages. All contemplating ways to abort this child, all trying different ways. All wanting to die. Regulus worried for his mother. She wasn’t young, but still Regulus felt sorry for the woman. Sirius caused this. Sirius caused his mother to fall apart. Regulus didn’t know whether he loved or hated his brother. 

“Young Master Regulus, what are you doing up here?” Kreacher asked. 

“Don’t mind me, Kreacher. I’m just trying to pick apart my mother.” 

“I wouldn’t recommend that.” The old butler replied, leaning down to assist Regulus off the floor. 

“Hm.” He didn’t feel as sad as he thought he would be. “I want to see Sirius.” 

“You do not like your brother, I thought?” Kreacher said in his confusing way. 

“Sirius is complicated. But I love him. I think.” Kreacher nodded. 

“I understand.” 

Regulus looked at him and retreated to his room, pulling out his writing set and began a letter to his brother. 

Sirius was still his brother. 

Blood doesn’t wash off easily.

Chapter Text

The snow began to pile up upon the lawn. Sirius chucked his wet winter boots across the room and fell down onto his bed. He slipped under the covers and relished in the warmth. 

His brother had sent him a letter; which he opened this time. It told him that blood was always thicker than water and Sirius would never escape what he’s made up of. It was patronising and hurtful and Sirius wanted his brother back. His young, beautiful brother who wept and cradled toy horses in his arms like he was some kind of farmer. Regulus used to be kind, loving and doted on Sirius. Now he was harsh, bitter and like his parents. 

Sirius was glad he escaped when he did. 

Peter raced across the courtyard to meet Sybill with a kiss. The curly blonde girl wrapped her arms around Peter and smiled. 

“Hello my love.” She smiled. Peter smiled and wrapped his arm around her. 

“Hey. How was your day?” 

“Tiresome. But I get to see you.” Sybill said as they walked in the cold hallways. Peter wrapped his coat around his girlfriend’s shoulders and she smiled at him. “Thank you, Pete.” 

“Of course.” Peter didn’t have many friends, only his girlfriend and the boys he didn’t know liked him all that much. But he was content, he had a simple life, but it was just what he needed. 

He walked up to his own room and smiled as he saw Sirius’ door opened. He gave a wave and Sirius waved in response. Peter felt like he was too lame to even know Sirius. He was one of the coolest people Peter knew, and he didn’t know all that many people. But still, he was quite happy with the people that he knew and how he lived his life. 

Remus poured himself over his books and writing in the library. It was warm and the lighting was enough to make him sleepy. A hand on his shoulder made him yelp and jump. 

“Jeez, Remus, didn’t have to scream.” It was Sirius. His beauty was a breath of fresh air to his studying. 

“Oh shit, Sirius. You fuckin’ scared me.” Remus panted. Sirius grinned. 

“Wanna come get drunk with me at the pub?” 

“Gotta study and I got no cash.” Sirius nodded. 

“You’ve been doing that for hours and don’t worry about the money. Come on, Lupin. You’re only in college once.” Remus smiled and shrugged. 

“Can I just put my books in my room?” Sirius smiled. 

Sirius walked closely to Remus as they trudged through the snow to get to the warm pub. Remus and Sirius got pints of beer and sat at the bar. 

“You and Marls, how are you going?” Sirius had that effortlessly androgynous yet masculine look that made Remus twitch and feel things. He shrugged. 

“Haven’t seen her in a while, but I don’t think I want to shag her anymore. She don’t have a cock.” Sirius laughed. Remus smirked. “What?” 

“That’s the line you draw?!” Sirius cackled. “Oh Remus, you are too funny!” Sirius bumped his knee against Remus’, Remus squeezed his legs together. 

“She’s well fit, Sirius. I just wanna take home a bloke. Rub one out together, y’know? There are so many things I find more satisfying with a bloke than with a lass. They’re pretty, especially Marlene, but she don’t got a dick. I want one to take, you know?” Remus didn’t even know why he was admitting these things to Sirius, or why he was feeling them all at once! It was humiliating, he was right there! Remus would explode in his pants if Sirius touched him only once. 

“Mm… you seriously want a cock that bad?” Remus looked away and blushed. Sirius took a large swallow of his beer and tapped Remus. “Hey, I’m not judging. Alright? I’ve been in your shoes.” Sirius lowered his voice. “Do you fuck yourself with your fingers? That helps a lot.” 

“Does it? I haven’t tried that before. Been too scared.” 

“Don’t be scared. You’ve just got to lube up your fingers, I use these two.” He gestured with his two middle fingers in a motion that made Remus want to scream out of embarrassment. “It seriously helps, especially if you get that really nice spot. Or if you have the funds and no shame, you can probably get yourself a toy, but I wouldn’t waste my money on that when I’ve got two that can make me feel just the same.” Sirius smiled, brushing his knee against Remus’, feeling his body tighten. Remus wanted to pull on his hair and bend him over the bar and fuck him with his fingers until he cried out and ejaculated all over the bar and himself.

“Really? Yeah, I think I’ll try that first before I kill myself out of embarrassment. Cheers.” 

“Remus. I’m always here for you. Ask and you shall receive.” Remus wanted to ask him if he wanted to join him in his room tonight but he felt that would be a little too bold. The pair drank a second beer and Sirius won a couple games at pool. Remus watched him as he slipped his leg over the side of the pool table and thrust as he hit the ball. It made his cock give a little twitch. 

It was a pub night full of desire and lust. A small part of Remus wanted to take Sirius to the bathroom and fuck him mindless or until his tongue lolled out of his mouth and he couldn’t form a single word. 

With some alcohol running through their veins, Remus and Sirius hardly felt the chill of the snow walking back to the boarding house. 

“This snow came rather quickly, hm?” Sirius slurred. 

“Yeah. You going home for Christmas?” 

“Yeah, I will. Reggie wants me home. If it doesn’t work out, might go to Jamie’s.” 

“You can come to mine, if you want. I live in Wales if you want an adventure.” Remus grinned. Sirius looked at him. 

“I think I wouldn’t be able to fight off my urges.” Sirius whispered. 

“Hm?” Remus said. Sirius looked at him. 

“Did I say that aloud?” Sirius asked, Remus nodded. “Shit.” 

Remus smiled and wrapped an arm around Sirius’ shoulder. 

Remus could taste the mint of his toothpaste and feel the wetness of his hair as he slipped into bed that night. Sirius had given him the bottle of lube he kept for special occasions and Remus wanted to flip him over and down onto the bed and fuck him until he screamed and shook; begging for him to stop. But Remus was too cowardly to do so. He thought of the movements that Sirius made, the primitive motions and urges that were starting to take over. Remus knelt on his bed. He teased his fingers around his hole and thought of Sirius, sliding his fingers upwards toward his taint and pressing on it. Remus sighed and rubbed his buttocks and an exasperated sigh was let out from his mouth. He had never explored his body with his fingers, only his palm. He cracked open the lube and slicked up his digits, carefully inserting them one centimetre at a time. The friction made him moan and shudder. 

“Mhmm…” Remus moaned, another centimetre, the tightness of the muscle never having been intruded upon like this before was causing unbearable friction but it was exhilirating, then another centimetre and suddenly he was knuckle deep and fucking himself. He pressed against his prostate, feeling things he had never felt in his body before. He moaned loudly and bent forward, moaning and gasping for air as he fucked himself with his fingers. He wrapped his hand around his cock and began to jerk off. He pressed his fingers against his prostate again and moaned loudly as his orgasm ripped from his body and spilled from his dick. He had never cum that quickly and was impressed and ashamed about his body’s reaction to it.

“Oh… oh…” He gasped and extracted his fingers from his hole. “Ah… oh… oh, God…” He moaned. Sirius was right, it did help. Now Remus just had to find the right time to do it to Sirius. 

Christmas break. Sirius’ least favourite time of the year. The scarf around his neck was not Remus’ and it did not spark joy. 

“Help me.” He whispered up at the sky before knocking on the manor door. 

“Sirius. Hello.” His mother said, looking at him. Sirius cocked a brow and smirked at her. 

“Hey mum. Reg wanted me home. I know you haven’t gotten me any presents.” 

“I have, actually.” 

“Oh.” Sirius whispered. 

“You think too negatively, Sirius.” Walburga smiled. Sirius knew there was something wrong. 

He set himself up in his room. His feet were cold and wet from the snow and his face was freezing and red. Sirius sighed as he sat down on his bed. His younger brother walked into the room and looked at him. 

“Afternoon, Sirius.” 

“Hey Reg. You alright?”

“Yeah. I’m all good.” Sirius smiled and looked at his younger brother. “Thank you for coming this time. I wasn’t sure you were going to.” 

“Of course I would. You asked me to and it’s either this or I get pneumonia from the freezing cold boarding house or I have to hang out with James’ family, which is fine but I’ve already done that for the majority of my life.” Regulus smiled tightly and looked at Sirius. 

“Are mum and dad pleased that you’re home?”
“You know that they aren’t.” Sirius replied. Regulus nodded. 

“You know that you can never escape, Sirius. You’re tied to the Black name until you die.” Regulus said. 

“What’s gotten into you?” Sirius asked, pulling a cigarette out of his pocket. Regulus looked at him. 

“I have begun to realise the importance of family, Sirius.” 

“Of course you have.” Sirius said, raising a brow. Regulus looked at him intently. He inched away from Sirius and shoved his hands into his pockets. 

“I know what you did to Mum. You destroyed her. You made her the way she is.” Regulus sneered. Sirius looked at him expressionless and Regulus huffed; exasperated. 

“Is that so?” Sirius began. 

“Yeah. I read it yesterday.” Regulus replied. Sirius pinched between his brows, 

“Reg, Mum and Dad hate me. You know this. Please. Stop spewing your rhetoric to me. I’m sick of it. Please.” Sirius wanted nothing more in his body than to punch his brother in the face and eventually kill him. Regulus’ green-grey eyes blazing and cold. 

“I can’t do it anymore, Sirius.” He whispered. “We are too different. I keep trying to make you like me. Like our parents.”

“You will never. You know this.” 

“I hate you.” 

“No, you don’t.” Sirius replied, puffing on the fag in his mouth. Regulus stamped his foot like a child and stormed out of the room. Sirius smirked and laid back on his bed, not caring whether the ashes got into his bed or not. 

Dinnertime with his family was strange. Regulus glared at him and his parents sat at opposite ends of the table. The dining room was silent, the only sound being cutlery on plates and the sipping of wine. 

“How has school been, Sirius?” 

“Yeah, it’s been good. I mean I’ve still got another year and a bit to finish with school but, y’know it’s going well.” 

“Regulus has been accepted into Cambridge.” 

“Really?! What will you be studying?” 

“Biology.” Regulus whispered. 

“That’s amazing. I’m so proud of you.” Sirius smiled. Regulus looked at him and shrugged. 

There was something wrong with his family.

Remus stretched out the muscles in his back as he laid by the fireplace. His mother sat in the rocking chair with a pair of knitting needles in her hands. His father was in the kitchen cleaning up after dinner. 

“Oh my darling Remus.” She smiled, “you look so grown up.” 

“I’m twenty years old, Mam.” She shook her head. 

“Not to me you aren’t.” Remus smiled and looked at his mother. Her kind green eyes, her leathery face and her gentle hands were all qualities that Remus hoped to inherit from her. He already had her green eyes. 

“Now, tell me lad. What’s going on with this laddy called Sirius?” His father’s gruff Welsh accent echoed through the ancient living room. 

“Oh. He’s just a friend of mine. We’ve grown close.” 

“That’s good to hear. Remember to try and bring a girl home next break!” He laughed, his mother looked at his father. Remus felt like a little boy again, trying to work out what was wrong with him, why he felt such attraction to boys rather than girls.

“I’ll try, Tad. I’ll seriously try.”

It was Christmas morning. The childhood urge to run downstairs and see how many presents were under the tree was a permanent fixture installed in Remus’ soul. He stretched himself awake and looked over at his clock. It was almost eight. Remus wandered downstairs and met his mum and dad who were lounging. 

“Ah, my boy.” 

“Morning Remus. There’s not many under there, but open them. I feel like they shall be useful to you.” There were three presents under the tree. Remus hated when his parents spent money on him. 

He opened them. A telephone for his room at school. A Doors record that he grinned at and his grandmother’s engagement ring. 

“What’s this for?” Remus asked. 

“If you meet the right girl one day. None of this gay stuff. It’s not natural, my Remus.” Remus didn’t want to argue. 

“Alright.” He smiled tightly.  

“That’s my boy.” Remus could only think of one girl and she was his gay match. She wouldn’t want him. He didn’t want her. 

Sirius rubbed a hand over his face when his mother walked into the room to inspect his dinner outfit.

“Your aunt and cousins are coming. You have to look nice, Sirius.” 

“I know Mum.” He adjusted his tie and looked at his mother. 

“No makeup. I don’t want you looking like the faggot you are.” 

“For God’s sake.” Sirius whispered. His mother looked at him and gave a tight smile.

“You always have been the black sheep my Sirius. Always the disappointment. Always an issue.” 

“Christ, Mum. I’ll be ready soon.” Sirius scowled. Walburga looked at Sirius like she was searching for a time before. Trying to search for a young, kind Sirius, the boy that played pretend and kissed his mother on both cheeks. But he was lost. Replaced with crass, loud, rockstar Sirius. There was nothing of her kind, tender son. The son she had tried to kill. 

Sirius slipped his boots on. His mother stood at the end of the staircase.

“You look very nice, Sirius. Very presentable.” Sirius rolled his eyes and looked at his mother with a glare. 

“Yeah. Thanks.” Sirius walked past his mother and shook his head. 

He wanted to leave, wanted to run away to Remus. 

Greyhound buses didn’t run on Christmas. 

Dinner was stifling. His cousins had brought their good for nothing husbands and Sirius swallowed a mouthful of wine. He had stayed silent the whole dinner, not wanting to be chastised, broken or hurt. 

Sirius looked over at Regulus who looked perfect, per usual. His perfect, cropped ebony curls, his cold demeanour and the lack of humanity left him had fallen and he had grown into an evil and mature young man. 

“Sirius, are you doing well at school?” His cousin, Narcissa asked. 

“Very well.” Sirius replied. 

“That’s brilliant to hear. With earning such a pointless degree I would hope you’d be doing well at school.” His father said. Sirius smiled tightly and looked at him. Sirius filled his wine glass again. His mother and brother looked at him with furrowed brows. 

Sirius was drunk by the end of the night. His cousins and aunt and uncle had left and it was just the rest of the family that remained. Sirius walked up to his room. He needed to sober up. Luckily with food in his stomach and the water that rested beside him at dinner had helped. Regulus came into the room and looked at Sirius. 

“Hey Reg.” Sirius slurred. “What do you need?” Sirius lit a cigarette and Regulus looked at him. 

“I was wondering how you got mum and dad to pay for your school.” 

“I got in on a partial scholarship. Mum and Dad were so impressed they didn’t care what I studied.” Sirius replied. Regulus nodded. 

“I hope I meet someone like you have. And mum and dad like them.” Sirius looked at him and took another drag from his cigarette. 

“Mhm. Mum and Dad wouldn’t like him cuz he’s poor.” 

“Not cause he’s a man?” 

“That too.” Sirius leaned on his knees. 

“You really are a fag, aren’t you Sirius?” 

“Do you have anything better to do than insult me?” Sirius snapped. Sirius stood up. He towered over his younger brother. His green grey eyes blazing and intent. 

“You know that you are a fag. You’re nothing better than the one burning in your hand right now.” Regulus sneered, taking cruel enjoyment out of cursing out his brother. 

“You better watch your mouth, Regulus.” Sirius grabbed his brother's shoulders and drove him out of the room, stopping at the top of the staircase. “You do not get to get crook at me. You’ve been awful, rude and downright mean. You’ve turned into a villain. You’ve turned into them, Reg.” Sirius was thinking about how they used to make plans of running away when they were young. 

“You’re just jealous that you’re not part of the family anymore.” Regulus cackled. Sirius couldn’t take it. He pushed Regulus off the top of the staircase. A deafening crack when he hit the floor. The shriek he had let out as he tried to catch himself. Sirius rushed down the stairs, blood pooled behind his small black head. 

“Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.” Sirius put his brother’s head onto his lap. The blood matting his black curls and spilling over Sirius’ lap. Sirius felt for a pulse. None. His parents were in bed. Regulus was dead and Sirius didn’t know what to do. 

His brother's death had sobered him up. 

He took his father’s keys. The  Porsche was the weekend car, but it was better than nothing. Sirius rolled the garage door up and wept as he began to drive. 

He knew the one man he wanted to see. 

He had finally done it. 

He had killed his brother. 

Chapter Text

Sirius knocked on the door of Remus Lupin’s farmhouse. A tall, grey haired man with glasses and a beard opened the door. 

“Hello. I’m Sirius Black. I’m Remus’ friend from school, is he in?” 

“Hello Sirius. Yes, Remus is in. I’ll get him for you.” Sirius stood out the front as Remus walked to meet Sirius. Sirius met him with a tight embrace. Remus hugged him back. 

“Hey. Everything alright?” Remus asked. Sirius looked at him with tears welling up in his eyes. 

“I killed my brother…” Sirius whispered. Remus looked at Sirius in shock. 

“Come in, please. It’s cold. You’re shivering.” 

Sirius and Remus sat by the fireplace with hot chocolates in front of them like children. 

“How did it happen?” Remus whispered. 

“He was talking shit to me. I pushed him down the stairs. He cracked his head open. He died in my lap.” Remus nodded. 

“I’m so sorry, Sirius.” Remus whispered. “I really am. I don’t know how to fix it.” 

“Turning back time is never an option, is it?” Sirius whispered. 

“I wish it was.” Remus looked at Sirius with pity. “How does a philosophy student feel about that?” He tried to joke. Sirius began to weep. Remus flushed. “I’m sorry.” 

“It’s not you. You were the first person I thought to come to.” 

“Not James?” 

“James can’t know. It would kill me if he knew.” Remus nodded. 

“Understandable.” Remus rested his hand on Sirius’ knee and swallowed. 

“I’ll be arrested, Remus.”

“You won’t.” 

“How do you know?” Sirius asked. Remus shrugged. 

“I’ve got ways.” Sirius looked at Remus and frowned. Remus gave a half-hearted smile and swallowed hard. Sirius looked deep into Remus’ green-hazel eyes and leaned in to kiss him. Remus crawled across the floor to get closer to him, kissing him and meeting his lips harder and more passionately. 

“Ah, Sirius. Oh.” Remus moaned quietly into Sirius’ mouth. 

“Mhm…” It was hungry, desperate, teenage. Remus pulled Sirius onto him, Sirius fell onto him and moaned against his open mouth. Remus’ rough hand found its way up Sirius’ shirt. 

“Wait,” Remus pushed Sirius off him. “Fuck-- stop…” 

“Did I do something wrong?” Sirius panted. 

“No… no… I just… my parents are set on me marryin’ a lass. I want you. I want you-- fuck, listen to me. I sound like a whinin’ bitch.” Remus said, clenching his fist. 

“I want you too, Remus. Really badly.” Sirius grabbed his face. “How did I not know that you wanted me?”

“I didn’t make it very obvious, ey?” Remus snickered. Sirius’ eyes widened and he caressed Remus’ face. Remus kissed him again. Remus moaned against Sirius’ mouth, slipping his tongue inside and touching his neck. Remus rolled his shoulders and grinned against his mouth. 

Remus Lupin was finally his. 

No more tiptoeing around. 

Just love.

Remus turned in his bed. Sirius lay next to him. It was awkward. The only thing that they were doing in the bed was sleeping when Remus had dreamed of more. He wanted the first time Sirius laid in his bed to be him exposing himself and letting Remus onto him.  

“Are you asleep?” Sirius whispered.

“No.” Remus replied. Sirius sat up in his bed and looked over at Remus. Remus rolled over and looked up at Sirius. “Are you okay?” 

“I just can’t believe what I’ve done, Remus.” Remus nodded and looked at him. 

“I understand.” 

“But do you?” Sirius began to cry. Remus looked at Sirius’ wet face and wiped his cheek. Sirius laid back down in Remus’ bed and wept into his shoulder, resting an elegantly poised hand on Remus’ chest. 

“It’s gonna be okay.” Remus said, trying to comfort him. 

“I don’t know if it will.” Sirius replied. Remus was quiet for a long while. Sirius just sobbing into his shoulder was a lot. 

“You’ll feel that you’ve become damned, a pariah. I feel like that sometimes too. Don’t feel like I am ever one of the lambs in God's flock. ‘M not who I believe my path was carved out for. ‘M not the perfect son, ‘ve never claimed to be. Though I can’t change it. Imago Dei . Made in God’s image. We’re perfect to Him, Sirius. Sins can be forgiven and time can’t change. It doesn’t make ya any different. We’re meant to sin. We’re meant to turn back to God.” Remus said, stroking Sirius’ hair. 

“Marlene’s gotten to you aye? Fuckin’ pansy.” Sirius joked, though his eyes were still wet. Remus kissed the crown of his head, feeling awkward to be this tender to such a man. 

“I really am, aren’t I? Look, Regulus has become a part of your soul. ‘E was already one when he became ya brother. You will feel that ache, that pull of grief and guilt, the ‘why did I do that’ the ‘how can I change the past?’ you won’t be able to and you will have to accept that, no matter how hard ya try not to. But you will rise above it, Sirius.” 

“You talk about it like you’ve killed someone yourself.”

“I haven’t. But I have killed animals. I don’t want to, but the guilt and sorrow I experienced. It’s not a human or my brother, but guilt and grief always fill me with hatred of myself.”

“Your accent is so cute.” Sirius whispered, unable to fathom the thought of his own womanly hands ever taking a life like he just had.

Sirius kissed him hard and rested his head against Remus’ chest. 

“You’ve been so nice to me, Remus.” Sirius whispered. 

“Have I? I feel like we barely know each other.” 

“I know you inside and out.” Remus just gave a half-hearted smile. 

The snow was suffocating and Sirius had spent three days at the Lupin’s house. Lyall and Hope Lupin were lovely, though had some rather interesting things to say about gay people every now and then. Remus looked at Sirius as he brought in firewood from the shed. 

“Remus… I should probably head back home. I’ll need to pack up to get back to school.” Remus nodded and looked at him. 

“I understand. But just be careful.” 

“I will.” Sirius pulled Remus into a deep and tender kiss. Cold hands and Remus’ cold skin and mouth were a shock to Sirius’ system.

“Just be careful, Sirius. Don’t say anything.” Remus put the wood down near the fireplace and drew Sirius in for another kiss. “My dad’s taken care of your car and it should be in the garage. I’ll see you at school, alright?” Remus rested a hand on Sirius’ chest and Sirius held it close to his heart. 

“Keep loving me, Remus.” 

“Someone would have to pry you from my cold dead hands.” 

“Pansy.” 

“Sod.” Sirius gave Remus a kiss and slipped his coat on. “Here, I’ll come out with you.” Sirius pulled his boots on and kissed Remus once more as they walked out into the garage. It smelt of petrol and must, Sirius met Remus’ mouth with another kiss as he slipped into the driver’s seat. 

“I’ll see you at school. I’ll be careful.” 

“You better be. I’ll see you then. See ya.” 

“Bye, Remus.” Sirius backed out of the garage and waved goodbye to Remus. Remus bit his lip and waved him goodbye. 

The family manor was cold, lifeless and almost drained of all joy. Walburga met Sirius in the foyer and took her son into an embrace. 

“Oh, Sirius, I was so worried!” 

“It’s alright mother.” Sirius whispered into her hair. “It’s quite alright.” Sirius couldn’t bring to words how much he hated his mother. His mother had always been his foe, since he was born. She was frightened of the things he would grow up to do, the abolition of his family. Walburga has once shown Sirius kindness and tenderness— only when Orion was away. The House of Black had faced serious loss, their second son, their heir, he was gone at the hands of his older brother— eyes full of vengeance and hate. Sirius has always been seen as petulance, their estranged son, their hatred and human primitive instinct born into being. Sirius kissed his mother on the cheek and broke away. Her grey eyes were wet and Sirius wanted to smack her. 

Walburga came into Sirius’ room. 

“We’re having a family dinner tonight. Your cousins will be coming.” Sirius nodded and tossed his long hair back.  

“Right.” 

“Don’t drink too much tonight, Sirius.” 

“I won’t.” He lied. Walburga shook her head and gave Sirius a kiss on his forehead. 

“Be good.” She whispered. 

Sirius clenched his jaw and frowned. 

Sirius walked down the master staircase and into the dining hall. The Black women sobbed in tender embraces and the men all looked disappointed in the situation. Their faces flat and lifeless. Sirius didn’t say anything. Regulus was dead. The only thing that needed to be said was that.  

His brother was dead and Sirius killed him. 

The dinner started and everyone took their places at the table, the maids bringing out the entrees. Sirius nibbled on a breadstick; slathered in salty butter– a delicacy James and his family loved. 

The main platter was brought out and Sirius almost vomited. 

He knew what it was. 

Charred, fatty, thick slabs of his younger brother sat in front of his family. The tenderness of Walburga’s hand, the hate that Orion’s carried that had raised him, the boy they had all loved so very much, smeared in buttery rub, herb crusted and basted in a red wine and rosemary sauce was all that was left of him in front of his family.  

Nobody said anything. They devoured, wine dribbled down chins, meaty juices spread across plates and serviettes, mouths chewing. Wet tears dripped down Sirius’ face. 

Regulus smeared over their mouths, an incestual ritual found only in the Black family. Sirius did not eat. His brother could not be devoured. He eyed the wine which was thick and red-- almost like blood. Sirius grasped the decanter by the neck and poured himself a hefty glass. 

The wine was thick, metallic, fruity, delicious . Sirius swallowed; feeling just as bad as the rest of his family. Swallowing the blood of his brother like it was the blood of Christ. 

The Eucharist of his brother would often replay in his mind. The Black family had devoured his body like the disciples of death. Their familial lust was harsh and almost suffocating to be in. Sirius didn’t succumb to eating the body. He couldn't manage it. 

This is my body, do this in remembrance of me. 

Take this cup and drink from it for this is the blood of the new and everlasting covenant.