Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Mid-spring, 2011

When Regulus stepped out of the school gates, the first thing he did was look at a Northern Red Oak on the other side of the pavement, looking for his brother beneath it, waiting to walk home together. Despite Sirius being dismissed from his own school only a few minutes earlier, he was always on time and never failed to meet his little brother at the school gates, greeting him with a bright smile as they reunited.

Every day, Regulus’s heart would race, only to sink in his chest moments later.

Years ago, he would have carefully crossed the road before running to hug his older brother, walking hand in hand with him all the way to 12 Grimmauld Place.

By the time he was ten, Regulus walked slowly towards him, returned his small smile, and followed him along the way, keeping a small distance and gripping the strap of his backpack tightly.

"How was school today, Reggie?" Sirius asked.

"Fine…" He answered, keeping his eyes down. "What about yours?"

"Fine as well."

Then they both drifted into their thoughts, the air between them turning cold and heavy, like the chill of winter creeping into spring.

The streets passed them by, the scenery familiar yet so painfully nostalgic for Regulus that it made him want to cry. Cars drove past, and he remembered how he used to count all the red ones with Sirius. Dogs walked with their owners, and he used to excitedly tell his brother how cute he found them. And even on quiet days like this, with hardly any movement in the street, they had always found something to talk about. But these new days were much quieter.

Their mother said they were growing up, and Regulus agreed, pretending to be happy about it when, in truth, he only wanted to stop it.

If growing up meant drifting away from Sirius because of these feelings Regulus had, then he didn’t want to grow up.

He wanted to be like Peter Pan and go to Neverland, stopping time when he and Sirius were happy together. However, things had already changed between them, and there was no way to reverse it, not even by travelling to a magical land.

Regulus was already helplessly in love, in a way that felt utterly inappropriate and impure.

Regulus was exactly the disgusting person their parents wanted him not to be.

But no matter how hard he tried, Regulus couldn’t fix himself.

As they turned the corner, the old playground came into view—the place where they had spent so many hours playing. Where they had made so many memories—pretending to be pirates on the climbing frames, imagining themselves as archaeologists digging for dinosaur bones in the sandpit, or pretending to be kings riding the wooden horses. Getting dizzy spinning on the roundabout, laughing while playing tag on the grass, crying for his older brother’s help when he reached the top of the climbing structures and couldn’t get down, or hiding in the tunnel, terrified, when the rain caught them on the way home. They were wonderful memories, erased with their growth and their mother’s clear order: "You’re too old to play now."

He missed the simplicity and purity, the innocence with which he could love Sirius without knowing it was wrong. He missed not feeling disgusting. He missed showing his love without pushing his brother away.

‘Will it ever get better?’ Regulus asked himself, with no hope left.

He even missed fighting with Sirius over the only swing in the playground. His brother always said it was five minutes each, but Regulus was two years behind his older brother in terms of reading a clock, so he suspected he had been cheated many times. He missed that too.

"Come on, Reggie, let’s play for a bit!" Sirius said with an excited grin, pulling him out of his thoughts.

"Mère said we shouldn’t," Regulus pointed out.

"Who cares? Come on!"

Sirius walked into the playground straight to the swing, throwing his bag onto the ground. There was some doubt about whether the old wooden plank would hold him, but once he tested it, he started swinging back and forth with great enthusiasm. Seeing his older brother so happy, Regulus didn’t have the heart to insist that they shouldn’t be there.

"Will you push me?" Sirius asked.

"Can’t you swing by yourself?"

"I can! But now that you’re bigger, you can push me! You’ll give me more momentum."

Regulus did as he was told, setting his bag down next to his brother’s before stepping behind him to give a firm push. The swing gained momentum, and he pressed his hands against Sirius’s back once more, sending him even higher. Sirius stretched his legs, propelling himself further with each motion. Before long, he had reached the peak the swing could manage, no longer needing Regulus’s help. With that, Regulus stepped away and leaned against the base of the climbing frame, watching his brother soar.

He remembered how he used to think that if he swung high enough, he could make a perfect loop around the top bar. But that was impossible. Curiously, he counted the minutes his brother had been swinging—it was two before Sirius finally dragged his new shoe against the ground to slow himself down.

"It's your turn, Reggie!" Sirius said, turning to his little brother.

"Are you sure? It’s only been two minutes," Regulus teased, uncrossing his arms as he walked over.

"Three minutes of historical reparations because I used to lie when you couldn’t read the time," Sirius admitted without a hint of shame.

"You cheated me out of more than three minutes…"

Regulus sat on the swing, gripping the chains tightly as he felt his brother push him lightly. Even with just a small push, the cold wind tousled his hair, and he could close his eyes and imagine he was flying—closer and closer to Neverland. 

Closer and closer to being caught in a spiral.

A pleasant smile spread across his face until he stopped feeling Sirius’s hands pushing him.

Without his brother, swinging wasn’t fun anymore. 

Not wanting to scuff his shoes against the dirt, he leapt off as the swing slowed, landing gracefully on his feet. The risky manoeuvre Sirius had taught him didn’t seem so dangerous now that he was big enough.

"Reggie! Be careful! That’s dangerous!" Sirius scolded him.

"You were the one who taught me," Regulus shrugged.

Though Sirius tried to feign disapproval, he ended up laughing—a sound so warm and comforting that it made Regulus’s chest bubble with happiness. But he quickly reined himself in, knowing he couldn’t allow himself to feel that way.

He watched from a cautious distance as his older brother sat back down on the swing, resting his heels against the ground and gently bending and stretching his knees, rocking slightly.

"Aren’t you going to swing anymore?"

"No, I’m fine," Regulus said, looking away.

He feared he had revealed too much of the weight in his chest when he heard his brother sigh.

"Reggie… come here…" Sirius called, his voice soft and just a little sad.

With a slight hesitation, he obeyed, stepping closer and eyeing the old swing set, attached to the wooden climbing frame, wondering how it still held the weight of two pre-teens. But his thoughts were quickly interrupted when he felt Sirius take both of his hands, gently pulling him closer until they were standing face to face, his older brother tilting his head up to look at him.

"Are you upset with me?" Sirius asked.

The intimacy of that small gesture—holding hands, standing so close—sent a jolt through Regulus, a strange burning sensation coursing through his veins, like what he had felt that day in the library. It was as if his heart had been filling with blood for days, swelling so much that, without an escape, it would surely burst.

Regulus loved Sirius in a way he shouldn’t, a love he had to keep to himself, or he would be met with his brother’s disgust. But keeping it all bottled up inside was excruciating. He longed for an outlet—a touch, a hug, a simple conversation—yet he knew it would only push Sirius further away. Regulus was destined to rot with it inside his chest if he wanted to preserve what little of their good relationship remained.

"Reggie, look at me," Sirius said gently, brushing a hand against his cheek.

Regulus squeezed his eyes shut, the touch lingering, burning even after his brother pulled away. Yet their hands remained clasped, searing into him, filling his heart with a love Sirius would never want.

"It’s fine," he forced himself to say. "Nothing’s wrong."

"What’s happening to you, mon cœur? Why have you been so distant?"

The pain in Sirius’s voice made his younger brother’s heart clench, and that overwhelming feeling, already spilling over, threatened to drown him entirely.

Regulus wanted to cry from love, but he held firm—just as their mother had taught him. 

After all, he was no longer a child who could cry.

“Is it because of that day in the library or…”

"No. It’s not that. I’m growing up, Sirius. That’s all," he replied calmly. "I can’t act childishly anymore. Life demands growth, and I must meet its expectations."

His older brother looked even more hurt by his words, and his hand returned to Regulus’s cheek, making him feel as if he were overflowing even more. He could no longer force himself to resist, not with the warmth of Sirius’s palm against his cold skin. It was far too cold to bear, the wind rushing in from all directions, and only his older brother could protect him from it, could warm him.

"Don’t let all this shit suffocate your sweetness, mon cœur," Sirius pleaded. "No matter how much they try to force you to grow up, at least be yourself when you’re with me."

"If I’m myself when I’m with you, you’ll find me disgusting," Regulus admitted, unable to hold back any longer. "You don’t know what I thought that day in the library!"

"Then tell me—tell me, and we can mend this—" Sirius tried.

"We can’t mend this. There’s no way back from what I realised," Regulus confessed, exasperated. "I felt GOOD, Siri. So bloody good. And I wanted more."

The words spilled from Regulus’s chest, and he could see the shock on his brother’s face—but he couldn’t stop. The feeling was overwhelming, clawing to be let out. He knew the truth would make Sirius disgusted, but it was too late to hold it in.

The love, the lust he felt for being called a girl, for being compared to one in his brother’s embrace, was sinful, dirty—and yet the best thing he had ever felt. It filled him with heat, consuming him whole.

"I wanted to be yours. To give myself to you completely. I want you so badly, and every day I drown in the hope that you might feel the same. I want to talk to you, to feel you, to touch you—because I love you, Siri. I love you so much."

"I love you too, Reggie…"

"Not like this," he whispered, tears spilling down his cheeks. "I wanted to be that person in your fantasies. I wanted to be your GIRL."

"I know, mon cœur," Sirius murmured, his own tears beginning to fall. "I know how you love me. And I love you like that too."

His older brother cupped his face with both hands, trying to soothe his tears, but there was no way to calm the storm in his heart now that it had begun to spill over so desperately.

Even with his vision blurred, Regulus gazed at Sirius’s face in adoration, lightly tracing his fingers over his brother’s cheeks, feeling them damp with tears. He loved every part of him—loved to touch each of Sirius’s features, to see him close his eyes and relax under his touch, to feel his hair, to have him this intimately, in a way he knew he shouldn’t. He felt as if he had the entire universe in the palm of his hand, because his universe was a single star—his Sirius.

Every part of him should be kissed with care, just as their mother had taught them, but with even more devotion, as if trying to find a place for even a fraction of the love Regulus was struggling so hard to contain.

He couldn’t hold back any longer when he pressed a kiss to Sirius’s forehead, then to both of his cheeks, then the tip of his nose, desperately trying to ease the storm inside him, to do anything to keep from repulsing him. Regulus tried his hardest to be a good younger brother, but when Sirius’s hands gripped his waist, he only spilled over more and more, with no sign of ever running dry.

Too late, Regulus realised that he would never be able to empty his heart.

There would never be a day when his love for Sirius stopped overflowing.

And yet, looking at his brother’s face—at the way Sirius gazed at him, at the way his hands caressed him over his school shirt, at the adoration in his touch as if he were something divine—Regulus was arrogant enough to think that he might feel the same.

Sirius’s hand slid up from his back into his hair, and that was when Regulus realised just how close he had come while kissing and worshipping his older brother’s face. Sirius guided him even closer, until their lips met in an almost cosmic collision.

It was so much better than Regulus remembered from his late-night dreams, making his pulse race beyond comprehension as he felt Sirius’s relieved breath against his face, revealing that he, too, had felt the same. The kiss was warm and so right, as if they fit together perfectly, as if this simple touch could ease all the pain in his chest while simultaneously setting it ablaze.

This wasn’t the same as the kisses they had exchanged all throughout childhood, nor the one they had shared that night when Sirius had sworn he would never touch him like that again. Regulus knew it was wrong, and that made it all the sweeter. They kissed like lovers.

Their mouths moved fast and fervently, taking and giving all the love that burned in their chests. Regulus parted his lips to feel his brother’s tongue graze his for the first time, melting into his warmth, as if finally drinking down the molten-hot blood that his heart had been circulating through his veins, pooling in excess within him.

Regulus’s body grew weak and breathless, so much so that he felt he might faint, and before that could happen—before he was forced to break away from the lack of air—he gave in to Sirius’s hands pressing firmly at his waist and settled into his lap. Straddling his brother, one leg on either side, made it much easier for Sirius to hold him, making everything even more intense.

His older brother taught him how to move his tongue, how to breathe through the kiss, how to savour every second of this warmth he had missed so dearly.

It was no longer just between their lips—the love radiated through his entire body, until they felt like one. Regulus wrapped his arms around Sirius’s shoulders, tangled his fingers in his long hair, traced the strength of his arms. Sirius, in turn, clutched at his back tightly, pulling him closer and closer, as if he were trying to merge them together. His hands slid down to Regulus’s thighs, pulling him in.

And that was when they fell.

Regulus felt as if he were plummeting down a rollercoaster.

He let out a sharp cry as his stomach lurched, his arms instinctively bracing himself for the fall.

His already racing heart nearly gave out when Sirius hit the ground with a loud thud, with Regulus landing right on top of him.

"Oh mon Dieu! Tu n’as rien, Siri?!" Regulus asked in alarm, fully aware that he had just knocked the air out of his brother, having landed squarely on his stomach.
(Oh my God! Are you ok, Siri?!)

"Ugh… I’ll live," Sirius groaned.

Regulus scrambled off him, shifting to the side before reaching out a hand to help him up. He wasn’t strong enough to pull him, but Sirius did all the work, dusting off his clothes as soon as he stood. There was no saving his white shirt, though—the entire back of it was covered in dirt.

"Mère is going to kill us," Regulus muttered, brushing the dirt off his own trousers.

"I’ll tell her you pushed me into the dirt," Sirius shrugged.

He would never do that, would never let his younger brother take any punishment, but the teasing was worth it. A brilliant grin spread across his face, making Regulus huff in irritation and shove him playfully—only for Sirius to push him back.

Sirius caught him by the wrist and pulled him against one of the climbing frame’s wooden pillars, his fingers caressing Regulus’s face with both devotion and the same playful mischief they had always shared.

"I’ll say you started a fight with me," Regulus shot back.

"Tell her our tongues waged a long battle," Sirius said dramatically.

"Siri!"

"Mon cœur," Sirius murmured, low and fond, making his younger brother’s face burn red.

"Don’t call me that," he muttered without thinking, looking away as he absentmindedly fussed with the collar of Sirius’s dirtied shirt.

"Voilà… mon petit frère que j’aime…" Sirius whispered contentedly.
( There you are… my little brother whom I love. )

"Ne joue pas avec moi, Siri," Regulus pleaded, once again without thinking.
( Don’t play with me, Siri. )

"Je jouerai toujours avec toi, mon cœur. Que ce soit un jeu d’enfant ou un jeu auquel nous ne devrions pas jouer."
( I will always play with you, my heart. Whether it’s a child’s game or one we shouldn’t be playing .)

Sirius leaned down to press a soft kiss to his lips, and Regulus returned it with equal tenderness.

"Mais je ferai attention, parce qu’un jour tu le regretteras."
( But I’ll be careful, because one day, you’ll regret this. )

"Tu ne peux pas l'affirmer avec tant de certitude." Then, Regulus stood on his tiptoes to whisper into his brother's ear. "Qui sait ? Peut-être qu'à l'avenir, je voudrai toujours être ta petite mariée."
(“ You can't say that with such certainty. Who knows? Perhaps in the future, I will still want to be your little bride .”)

The older brother took a deep breath, looking at Regulus in such an intense way that it seemed to set him ablaze entirely, but he stood his ground, returning the gaze. Sirius then stepped back, picked up their bags and slung it over his shoulders, took his younger brother's hand, and left the playground.

They walked home in silence, pushing forward against the cold wind, their fingers intertwined like lovers, bringing a sense of a small summer to Regulus’s chest.

…

Regulus never regretted the games he played with his older brother.

No matter how much the truth of its wrongness had been forced into his head with electric shocks, Regulus had never once regretted it.

Even so, at 22, he had never allowed himself to love anyone again, for he knew his own heinous inclinations—his tendency to seek out the most impure form of love.

Regulus had learned that a relationship between two men was wrong. And yet, even after all the hell he had endured—the brutality of his father, the inhumanity of the psychiatric clinic—he did not believe that. His real problem had never been his sexuality, but rather his incestuous tendencies, which had haunted him for years.

He was fully aware that he was a messed-up and filthy person, undeserving of anyone’s gaze, words, or touch. For his sins, for the way he had driven his brother away, he did not even deserve his family or friends. Beneath the mask of an appropriate, well-behaved man lay a filth that made him unworthy of receiving love—especially from someone as kind and radiant as his cross-training instructor James.

And yet, Regulus kept making the same mistakes, drowning himself in the sin of another problematic love as if he had learned nothing from what happened when Sirius left him at 12 Grimmauld Place.

At the very least, James was not his brother—adoptive or otherwise—nor a cousin or any other kind of relative, nor his boss.

He was his instructor, and that was still wrong—James could lose his job over it. But if Regulus left the club, then it wouldn’t be wrong anymore. It wasn’t as if he had the money to continue with the cross-training lessons anyway.

So he allowed himself to be known by someone as good as James—all of Regulus’s filth and wrongs—hoping that James would accept him and become his salvation, as if he could show Regulus a pure kind of love, as if he could make him a good person—a person worthy of being loved.

He was so tired of holding himself back.

After all, Regulus was already overflowing with love for James. And he knew all too well how painful it was to let it spill over.

…

Sunday Morning

Through his heart racing in his ears and his skin feeling like it had been pricked by a bunch of needles, Regulus breathed deeply and quickly at the same time, stomping his feet anxiously on the floor.

He hated trainers and didn’t think the brutish shoes worked with his fine posture, the one someone with a strict home education would have. But, first, they were the best shoes he had for the planned date. Second, Regulus had bought them for the gym, and James liked the gym. And third, the sporty way of dressing was another way of getting out of his bubble, trying something new. Regulus was determined to do that, to challenge himself in every way.

Regulus couldn’t stand Barty Crouch Jr., his adoptive brother, calling him 'a boring office worker' one more time, so he decided to do something with his free time, something that would make him a little too uncomfortable.

But when James, his instructor, entered the room for his first cross-training class, he couldn’t care less about his ill-fitting, oversized gym clothes. Because when his instructor looked at him, Regulus felt like being stripped of each piece. He felt naked from the way his instructor looked at him and absolutely loved every aspect of that.

It felt like a sin.

Regulus hadn’t signed up for the Potters’ sports club to drown himself in his past mistakes of forbidden love.

But there was James, smirking at him, and in that moment, Regulus knew he was doomed.

Months later, he was waiting for his instructor in a coffee shop on a Sunday morning, ready to drive him in the car he had borrowed from Barty to 'Neverend Adventure Park', an amusement park an hour away.

Regulus had thought a lot about what he was supposed to do on a date, especially since it was the first one of his life, and he had no idea what to expect. He needed an opportunity to show James the growing love he felt, to see more of those bright smiles and that sunny personality that had captivated his heart. He wanted to shower him with affection, even though he was full of insecurities. But he also knew he had to keep some of those feelings in check so he wouldn’t scare him.

He felt so childish thinking about having his first date in an amusement park, but after talking with Barty and Evan Rosier—his cousin, best friend, and also brother-in-law—it seemed like the best option.

He and James exchanged messages throughout the entire week, with Regulus trying to test the waters to see if the amusement park was the best idea for a fun date.

“Are you okay with a one-hour car trip?” He asked one day.

James: No, I would love to spend a lot of time with you, 😊

James replied, making Regulus melt on the spot and giving Barty a few light slaps on the arm to contain his excitement.

“Are you scared of heights?” He asked the next day.

James: No, I love a dangerous fall, 😏

At that answer, Regulus rolled his eyes, leaving Dorcas and Pandora confused as they ate lunch together.

“Do you have any sensory issues or get bothered by crowds and noise?” He asked another day.

James: No, but it's so sweet of you to ask! Thank you for your concern 😉

And between these exchanges of small details, Regulus decided to take James to the 'Neverend Adventure Park’ and planned the perfect date with the help of his brothers.

James and Regulus had agreed to meet in front of a small coffee shop near the public park, close to the gym, where he bought James’s usual coffee and was now waiting for him to show up. But he was seven minutes late, and Regulus started to worry that he might not show at all. 

Starting to panic, thinking he had scared James or done something wrong, Regulus decided to text his friend group with trembling fingers, hoping at least one of them would be awake:

“SOS, I think he’s not showing up ☹️”

Barty : I’ll kill him if he bails 🔪

Barty : Evan agrees

“God, just kill me instead, I can’t believe I planned all this for nothing…” He almost cried while typing that.

Evan: Me and Barty will be there in a minute, just hang tight, ok?

Dorcas: Chill out, you two psychos

Pandora: Did u text him? Did he say he’d be late?

“No, the message didn’t even go through…”, he typed sadly.

Pandora: So it’s fine, starlight 🙂

Dorcas: Then he’s prob just on his way. Wait a sec, princess, things happen.

That made him feel a little better, despite being called a starlight and princess. He could only blame himself; it was his fault for changing his name to "Arthur Crouch" when he was adopted by Barty’s mum, and not getting used to being called “Archie,” “Art,” or any nickname related to that. 

He couldn’t be called “Regulus” or “Reggie,” though, because Regulus Arcturus Black had committed suicide at 16. Long deceased, with a death certificate and a tombstone at the top of a cliff, one that he hadn’t jumped from. He had considered it after slashing his arm from wrist to forearm, but Barty had found him before he could go through with it, ensuring he lived.

Lived as someone else, because his parents didn’t want him in the family tree anymore, so they told everyone he was dead, and let the Crouchs create documents for their youngest son, Arthur Crouch. Birth certificate, school degrees, all kinds of papers, a favour from Barty Crouch Sr. to his divorced wife.

Regulus loved his new family, but still didn’t feel like he fit that name. He preferred to be called whatever nicknames people found appropriate. But he especially liked to be called “baby” by James.

He breathed deeply, trying to calm himself like his therapist had said. And thankfully, not two minutes later, James came running toward him. Regulus quickly texted his friends that everything was fine.

“I’m so sorry,” was the first thing he said, pulling Regulus into a big hug.

He opened his arms at the right moment to avoid crushing the coffee cup between them, but felt so angry at having his hand occupied and not being able to give James a proper hug. Instead, he had to settle for leaning on his one free arm, trying to convey all the affection and touch-starvation that Regulus kept hidden within himself. 

He felt so secure in the tight hug that it was as if the world had disappeared, leaving only the two of them. It was like floating in the safety of his heavy blanket—light yet sheltered, safe and warm. His heart longed for Regulus to hide himself in the crook of James’s neck, to inhale more of his refreshing perfume, to taste his skin on his tongue—but he couldn’t do that yet.

"It's okay," he said quietly, feeling like crying again but holding it back.

Stop that, Regulus. You're not a child anymore. Be a proper adult and a good partner to James. Don’t look desperate, he scolded himself in his thoughts.

They pulled away from the much-desired hug, and Regulus felt like he had been kissed by sunshine in the middle of winter. James was just so hot.

He was dressed simply—jeans and a black t-shirt, with a red plaid flannel over it—but for someone who was only used to seeing him in sportswear, seeing James dressed for a date was truly breathtaking. Regulus couldn’t help but notice that, despite the casual look, every piece of clothing he wore had a designer label. It was simple, yet far from cheap.

Not that it mattered much—James was so handsome that he’d be irresistible in anything. His charm wasn’t just in his looks, but in his bright, magnetic personality. His face was so stunning it could have been sketched by the hands of a master artist. His round glasses gave him an endearing, almost mischievous look, paired with his perpetually messy hair that looked impossibly soft. His physique was the kind that anyone would envy—strong, athletic, and undeniably touchable. He remembered how his body looked without all those clothes and bit his lip to stop himself from thinking—especially about the huge thing between his legs.

"Shall we go?" he asked, feeling a little shy. "I got you a coffee..."

"Oh, thanks, I really needed this!"

"I wasn’t sure if you’d want tea today... Do you want something to eat?"

"No, I ate at home, but I definitely needed the coffee," James said cheerfully, walking beside Regulus. "I didn’t sleep at all last night thinking about where you might take me!"

"I promise it’s somewhere good, you don’t have to worry."

"I’m not worried at all—I can’t wait!" James beamed, sipping his coffee like it was fueling his excitement.

Regulus hadn’t parked far, and like a true gentleman, he made sure to open the car door for James, a red Volkswagen Golf GTI. He slid into the driver’s seat, immediately catching the fresh, clean scent of the upholstery. His cheeks heated when he noticed James curiously eyeing the bright pink leopard-print fuzzy dice hanging from the rearview mirror. Quickly, he started the car, trying to focus on the road instead.

"It’s my brother’s car. He lost a bet and can’t take those off until next year," Regulus explained, hoping to salvage his image a little.

"I see," James said, amused. "So, you have a brother? Younger? Older?"

"Older—by a few months," Regulus replied. Seeing James’s puzzled expression, he added, "I’m adopted."

"Oh… that’s cool! Must be nice having someone your age always around."

"What about you? Do you have siblings?" he asked, happy they were getting to know each other, even if family wasn’t his favorite topic.

"I’m an only child, but I have friends who are like brothers to me," James said, something deep flickering in his eyes.

Regulus had always had the impression that his cross-training instructor was someone who valued friendships and family deeply, and now he had confirmation. Seeing the pure fondness on James’s face as he spoke about them made Regulus smile. He steered onto the highway, pressing the accelerator, feeling a sense of ease in the open road. All he had to do was keep his foot on the pedal and drive straight—perfect for stealing glances at his partner’s profile.

But he couldn’t look for too long, because the real danger was his lips—Regulus had no self-control when it came to looking at them and not remembering those sweet kisses all over his body. The way James’s tongue had wrapped around his erection, sucking him until he came… Regulus was still embarrassed by how quickly he had finished, ashamed of his small size, secretly wishing James had humiliated him for it.

He needed to stop looking.

"So… any guesses where we’re going?" Regulus asked, desperate for a distraction.

"I’m guessing… the amusement park?" James tested, trying to contain his excitement.

"Exactly. The questions made it obvious, didn’t they?"

"Oh, come on! I spent ages trying to guess!" James groaned, squirming in his seat. "An amusement park isn’t the most common place for a first date, and that’s exactly what makes it so cool! I love it!"

"I’m glad you like the idea. I wasn’t really sure what to do—I’ve never been on a date before," Regulus admitted, embarrassed.

"You’ve never been on a date?" James asked gently, turning toward him and resting his head on his arm. "I’m glad to be your first date! I just know it’s going to be amazing."

"I really hope so… I just want to spend more time with you..."

His voice faltered as the words slipped straight from his heart, and by the time he finished, his face was burning with embarrassment. James didn’t reply right away. Regulus stole a quick glance to check his reaction, only to find him looking at him with pure adoration.

He didn’t want to assume James’s feelings, didn’t want to get ahead of himself and regret it later. But at that moment, it seemed so obvious—so real—that there was barely any room left for insecurity. It made Regulus overflow with something he couldn’t name, made him want to pull over and fall to his knees, thanking the universe for James seeming to want him back.

James had shifted in his seat, tucking one leg up as if settling in to keep staring at him. His hand, resting on his lap, looked unsure, as if he was holding himself back from reaching out and touching Regulus. He was respecting his space, content just to watch and listen.

But soon, Regulus remembered—James didn’t know about the darker parts of his past. That kind of admiration could vanish in an instant once he found out just how filthy he really was.

He needed to hold himself back, but at the same time, he ached to just let it all spill over.

"I want to spend more time with you too… to get to know you," James said softly. "I’m really happy you gave me a chance."

"I should be the one saying that—you’re trusting me, following me blindly…"

Because of my insecurities and my issues , he thought.

"Surprises are fun! I told you, I love adventure."

"I don’t get how," Regulus laughed. "If something doesn’t go exactly as I planned, I feel like my whole world is crashing down."

"Really?" James asked, genuinely interested. "You like having everything under control?"

"Yeah. I get really stressed when things don’t go exactly how I want, when something slips out of my hands," Regulus admitted. "I’ve been working on it with my therapist."

From the start, Regulus wanted to be upfront with James about his struggles, but also show that he was trying to get better. After all, that was what James had asked for that day in the locker room—to know him. Regulus didn’t know if he was ready to open up completely, but he knew he had to do it soon. If James chose to walk away, better it happened before Regulus’s feelings got even deeper.

The confession didn’t change anything—James still looked just as intrigued, just as determined to understand him.

"I can help with that," James said in a way that sounded almost teasing. "I know a few ways to teach you to let go of control."

"I can’t imagine doing that without panicking, coach ," he replied with a shy smile, teasing James with the nickname.

The term "coach" had started as a joke between Regulus and his brothers to refer to the cross-training instructor who had taken an unusual interest in him. But it was obvious James liked it. His gaze sharpened like a predator watching its prey, sending a shiver down Regulus’s spine in the best way possible. He held that look for more than a second—almost scanning, stripping him bare, devouring him with his eyes. Then, he took a deep breath, as if trying to regain focus.

"Then let’s do this: next date is on me!" James suggested. "Next time, I’ll ask the questions and plan everything to surprise you."

The very idea of that made Regulus nervous, but the fact that James wanted a next time made him happy.

"We already have a next date? You don’t even know if you’ll like me after this one…"

"Oh, I already like you enough for a hundred dates," James said confidently. "And you? Think you’ll want to see me again after today?"

"Every single day, if I could," Regulus blurted out, slapping a hand over his mouth, mortified. "Sorry, I didn’t mean—"

Subtly, James moved the hand that was not supporting his head towards Regulus’s free hand, intertwining their fingers with care. His heart raced at the contact, spreading warmth through his entire body, filling him with both love and fear.

It was terrifying to hold someone’s hand in that way after years of believing he only did and felt the wrong things, but James welcomed him with tenderness and patience. Regulus had missed holding someone’s hand like that, in a way that inspired protection.

"It’s all right, give me everything, love, all your thoughts and desires, I want to know it all," he asked in an intimate tone. "Trust me."

Regulus nodded, feeling an indescribable peace in the folds of James’s fingers. It was so warm, so soft—a connection so simple yet so significant in releasing a little of that desire to get closer without compromising his sense of safety. Their intertwined hands were such a gentle and pure act that Regulus almost forgot that those hands had touched him so intimately and that the mouth smiling at him had been in a very private place.

After his first time with Sirius, Regulus had convinced himself that he was incapable of experiencing any sexual desire that was right, and he had never again allowed his body to feel it of his own accord. When it happened, he found ways to stop himself, believing he was the most immoral person in the world for even thinking about touching himself. But what James made him feel was good, perfect, and so delicate that Regulus could believe it was right.

That hunger with which James looked at him was still present even during their casual conversation in the car, and for the first time, Regulus understood that it went beyond sexual desire. James wanted him on a deeper level than just a night of sex or a prize to be won—he wanted him truly, perhaps as much as Regulus wanted him.

Ironically, they both seemed to be in the same situation, holding back, afraid of being too much.

But what if they both decided to let go? What if Regulus let himself burn?

"But tell me, why a theme park?" James asked, never ceasing to smile at him.

"As I said, I wanted to get to know you better and have the opportunity to see you outside the gym context, and I thought a theme park would be a fun way to spend the hours," he commented. "But it had to be somewhere that wasn’t a restaurant or a bar..."

"You have eating disorders, don’t you?" he asked directly.

"Not exactly. I have a stomach condition, so I would say it’s more dietary restrictions than eating disorders," Regulus explained, feeling very embarrassed. "I have to be careful with what I eat, and I can’t drink alcohol either."

"That’s really good to know, so I can avoid any discomfort on our next date," James declared.

Regulus didn’t remember actually agreeing to that blind date proposal, but as always, his instructor was taking the lead. It wasn’t a bad thing for him; Regulus could see this dynamic working well in a future relationship, where James would always be the energy pushing him into the unknown, while he, in turn, kept his partner grounded. From the little time they had spent together, their compatibility was remarkable.

They seemed like opposites, but not entirely—James was on the same wavelength as him, and they balanced each other perfectly.

"So... do you like cats?"

"Yes, I love them," Regulus replied with a smile.

The two continued chatting during the hour-long drive about everyday topics, such as pets, travel stories, and funny situations they had experienced—small talk. Regulus enjoyed listening to James’s voice; the way he spoke was so captivating that it made him smile, his chest bubbling with happiness.

When he got excited about a topic, his voice grew louder, he made faces, and he shifted in his seat, expressing himself with his whole body, yet never letting go of Regulus’s hand. But when it was Regulus’s turn to speak, James fell completely silent, paying full attention, as if consuming every word he heard. Regulus wanted to take a risk and stroke his cheek, but he couldn’t take his eyes off the road for too long and was still terrified of making the first move.

He felt James playing with his hand when the conversation took on a more reflective and intimate tone or when a brief silence settled over the car. It was so comfortable to be with him like that Regulus was almost tempted to pull over and completely change the plans for the day, just to be able to spend more time with James in that way.

However, soon, the towering structure of one of the theme park’s roller coasters became visible from the road, making them even more excited as they got closer. Colourful towers, castles, flags, and signs began to appear along the way, along with views of other rides. There were a lot of people entering the parking lot, but Regulus didn’t mind, driving through the grand gateway of 'Neverend Adventure Park.'

"Have you been here before?" he asked James.

"A couple of times when I was a kid. And you?"

"I came here in winter with my friends, but I think it’ll be better now since it’s warmer."

"If it’s already like this in spring… this summer is going to be really hot," he remarked. "There’s a water park nearby as well, if I’m not mistaken…"

Unintentionally, Regulus let a grimace slip.

"Not a big fan of pools?" James asked, smiling.

"No… I can’t swim," Regulus admitted. "And I’m also afraid of water. When I was little, my brother threw me into a lake, and I almost drowned… we were really young, and he nearly died of fright."

"Ah! My best mate went through something like that with his younger brother!" he laughed.

"I suppose it’s a universal sibling experience then…"

"Well, I don’t have any siblings, but I did throw my childhood friend into a lake. At least he could swim…" James commented. "Well, it would’ve been good if he couldn’t and had died, since he harassed my ex-girlfriend."

He had already parked in a good spot at the park and was about to get out of the car when James dropped that bombshell, so Regulus immediately let go of the door handle and turned to face him. If there was one thing Regulus loved, it was a good exchange of information about other people’s lives—real stories that greatly contributed to his own experience (gossip).

"No way… he actually did that?!" Regulus asked, shocked.

"He did! Nearly twenty years of friendship, and I thought he was a good person, but I found out he was completely rotten. He HARASSED my girlfriend, who he also called a friend. I can’t imagine what he did with people that he didn’t know," James explained. "He forcibly kissed her at a club and then pretended he was drunk. God, I nearly killed him."

"Rightly so! What an absolute bastard!" he said, appalled. "But the worst part is that a friend of mine went through something similar… it’s such a disgusting level of disrespect towards them…"

The two got out of the car, walking side by side towards the amusement park entrance.

"One of my friends even mentioned that she didn’t want to go clubbing anymore because of the harassment, and it’s really sad because she loves dancing," Regulus commented. "But when my brothers and I moved to the city, Barty decided to open his own club. We’ve always loved going out, but there was always a lot of insecurity, and I also can’t handle strobe lights very well… He wanted to build a safe place."

"That’s amazing!" James said, impressed. "Where is it?"

"I’ll give you the address later, it’s not far from your work. It’s a blacklight club—you should definitely invest in some fluorescent clothing or paint if you ever visit," he recommended.

"That sounds brilliant! I’d love to see it… but would you be okay? If I go clubbing with my friends? Though, to be fair, it’s your brother’s club…"

"Ah… I’m there almost every night from Friday to Sunday, mostly working rather than anything else, but… I wouldn’t mind…" Regulus let a mischievous smile slip. "I would love to dance with you."

After all, watching people on the dance floor, neon flashes in the darkness giving him only a vague idea of where hands and legs were. Painted lips glowing, leaving marks on skin, paint dripping with sweat and blending into the movement of bodies. He had imagined himself there so many times, but the people who touched him in his fantasies only pulled him deeper into sin. But if James were there, Regulus would only think of him.

Boldly, he intertwined his fingers with James’s, who widened his eyes at the invitation. He was certainly imagining something similar from the suggestion as he followed Regulus towards the ticket booth, tightening his grip. The two shared a deep look.

"I’m loving getting to know you, baby…" he said cheerfully.

Regulus smirked.

The 'Neverend Adventure Park' had a fantasy theme, specifically related to nautical adventures with pirates and mermaids, but also fairies, magic dust, and enchanted kingdoms, much like “Neverland,” though replaced with “Neverend” in the park’s name. The massive wall surrounding the park resembled castle walls, with a grand clock tower at the ticket office, already surrounded by a long queue of visitors.

They reached the gates, but Regulus didn’t even glance at the long queue. Instead, he approached a security guard and presented his VIP ticket, which also allowed them early entry. The guard checked the details and cross-referenced them with his list before directing them forward.

"This way, Mr. Crouch."

They followed a stone tunnel lit by torches until the scene opened up into the first section of the park, where there were souvenir shops, clothing stores, and a few sweet shops, all built close together to resemble a fairy village, with roofs mimicking giant leaves and walls designed like tree trunks. A charming fountain with crystal-clear waters stood at the centre of the square. Once inside, a staff member handed them their VIP wristbands, and soon, they were free to enjoy 'Neverend Adventure Park' all to themselves for just under an hour.

"Wow, Mr. Crouch, that was really impressive…"

"I have my connections," Regulus said shyly, wondering if it had been too much.

It definitely had—Barty was always too much, and when Evan got involved, it was even more so. The two of them were as wealthy as Regulus had once been, before being disowned, and they spared no expense when it came to spoiling him. He had told his brothers he wanted to impress James on their first date, so both started arguing over who would fund their “princess’s” first date. But Regulus had every intention of paying for it with his work at the club. It was just a loan to be repaid through his services—after all, there was still a lot to be done at Neon Rose, considering they had only opened a few months ago.

"So, the park is ours, Mr…" Regulus paused to think. "I never actually asked your surname…"

"Ah, it’s ‘Potter.’ My name is James Potter."

"Your surname is ‘Potter’? Like, the Potters who own the sports club?"

"Yes, that’s my parents’ club—also mine."

Shit, he’s rich , Regulus thought, completely in disbelief—even more so when he considered what that meant for his role as a cross-training instructor and student. After all, if he was the owner’s son, it didn’t matter what he did in the staff lockers. Unless his parents were like Walburga and Orion Black, who punished for the slightest mistake—let alone something like that weekend in the showers.

“And I was worried that you would lose your job dating me…” Regulus commented.

“Oh, that's not the case, baby…” James said. “So… we’re dating?”

Regulus’s cheeks flushed, and his heart raced in his chest as if he had been startled. His love poured out in words he struggled to hold back; after all, he hadn’t expected things to move so fast. It wasn’t even midday yet, and Regulus already wanted to call James his boyfriend.

That was the effect this wonderful man had on him. When he was with James, his feelings and desires simply overflowed, and he couldn’t hold them back. How many times in the past few months had he resorted to a sharper tone to avoid being swept away? He should have known that a date with James would only stir that urgency to rush things.

Regulus wanted so badly to skip all the possible stages and give his all, throw himself into the relationship and face all the risks he feared, just because James was so trustworthy that there was no way not to be swept away. But he couldn’t do that until he had laid all his cards on the table, and even then, he still had fears to overcome.

“Ask me this question at the end of this day, please.”

“Whatever you want, sweet thing,” James smiled. “Is that ok, the pet names I’m giving you? Is it too much?”

“No, it’s good, I love that,” he admitted. “Thanks for asking.”

“Ok, right,” James said, slightly nervous. “Shall we go? What should we do first?”

“I suggest the Pirate ship or Chairoplane, the rollercoasters are more fun with more people, but we don’t need to rush,” he shrugged with a sideways smile.

“Then let’s go on the Pirate ship first!” James suggested. “Can we hold hands?”

Regulus smiled as he agreed, grabbing James’s outstretched hand, feeling that wave of electricity and euphoria course through his body, soon being led by him, running through the empty park like two kids.

They arrived at the first ride already out of breath and quickly boarded the pirate ship. With the restraints in place, the large metal structure began floating across the artificial lake, swaying back and forth, until it was so high that Regulus felt he might fall. A wonderful sensation filled his stomach, and he threw his hands up just like James, testing the danger and finding support in his hand at the top.

The ship tilted more and more, and Regulus could see the gears below him in the pit. He was almost sure the boat was going to flip upside down and do a loop, but that didn’t happen. After screaming a lot and expressing the adrenaline that felt so much like what he had experienced that day in the staff lockers, the ride slowly stopped before he could reach the peak. Regulus looked at James excitedly, who was smiling at him, his glasses slightly askew and his hair even more tousled.

He couldn’t resist brushing his fingers through James’s hair, feeling the softness of it and James’s sensitivity as his scalp was gently massaged. His companion closed his eyes like a docile animal under his touch, and Regulus took in the sight of every line on his face, relaxed after the adventure. He laughed, adjusting James’s glasses.

“Shall we go to the next one?” Regulus suggested with affection.

“Mm-hmm, let’s go!” he agreed, snapping out of his trance.

At a slower pace, they left the Pirate ship, helping each other with their hands, and kept them together as they walked, now even closer, almost linking arms. James radiated warmth like the sun, and even though it was a warm day, Regulus leaned against him to soak up the heat.

His outfit wasn’t exactly suited for late autumn, which called for lighter clothing, like t-shirts with something thin on top, but there wasn’t much he could do. Regulus needed to hide the scars on his arms. He was wearing a dark green, oversized turtleneck jumper, much too big for his body, so he had to fold the sleeves slightly, and the hem completely covered his bottom. He also wore baggy cargo pants, held up by a belt, which matched his trainers.

The jumper was Barty’s, and the pants and belt were Evan’s, both left behind when the two moved out of the apartment they had shared to a house in a luxury gated community. Regulus always borrowed their clothes, considering that both bought more than they could wear, like Barty’s hockey t-shirts, which would be stored in boxes if Regulus wasn’t wearing them for training.

He hoped he wouldn’t have to take off the jumper, as even though James had already seen everything there was to see, Regulus considered himself too thin and not attractive enough for someone as beautiful as James, and he was certain people would stare at his scars.

His scars were ugly, but for some time now, every time he thought about scars, he saw the beautiful face of someone.

Three linear marks on the left cheek, begging to be kissed, licked, and adored — just like the ones on his large hands, full of attractive veins that drove Regulus mad every time he had to watch him type on his computer. His focused gaze was majestic, but Regulus burned whenever those eyes turned to him, like they were consuming him whole.

Mr Remus Lupin was the name of this irresistible man — the extraordinary Headmaster of St Hedwig’s High School, Regulus’s boss.

Another one of his forbidden desires.

Especially when the man was on a date with someone else.

Lost in thought, Regulus accidentally squeezed James’s hand.

"What’s wrong?"

"Uh, nothing," Regulus tried to brush it off, but his cheeks were burning, and guilt swelled in his chest. "Shall we go on the Mad Tea Party?"

“Sure!”

Getting into the ride, remembering to stay focused, Regulus was ready to put Barty’s plan into action.

He sat next to James with an excited smile, admiring the large teapot in the centre of the structure, commenting on how adorable he thought the pastel colours were. Some of the teacups had fake tea stains, as though spilling onto the saucers, so well-detailed that Regulus noticed the care the park put into its maintenance.

When the ride started, James’s natural reaction was to grab the wheel in the centre of their teacup and start spinning, gaining speed quickly. It was such an oddly pleasant feeling that Regulus felt like he might moan, but he had to stick to the plan.

“Slower, James, I’m getting dizzy,” he pretended.

Immediately, James stopped spinning the wheel and did the opposite, trying to slow it down, looking at Regulus with a concerned expression.

“Are you okay? Do you want to get off?” he asked.

“No, I’m fine.”

Perfect , Regulus thought.

After all, Barty had told him: “When you see an opportunity, Reggie, test this guy. If he doesn’t respect your ‘no’ for something silly, he won’t respect it for something important, and someone disrespectful doesn’t deserve your heart. If that cross-training instructor of yours does something wrong, just tell him your brothers are waiting for a chance to commit a violent crime.”

James didn’t necessarily need to be tested for that; Regulus was already certain he was someone attentive to boundaries and consent, but up until now, he had only seen it working within the context of the gym. Knowing that he wasn’t just a good person, but attentive and concerned, was another positive point and another assurance for Regulus.

They left the Mad Tea Party and headed for the Chairoplane, then to a pirate-themed ride. It was a wooden boat sailing through a world of singing and dancing puppets. Regulus clung to James’s arm, resting his head against him, fascinated by the vibrant colors of the scenery—and by the veins on James’s arms when he folded his sleeves. It was so hot, and he imagined those big hands grabbing his thighs over his cargo pants, moving up until they found a sensitive spot that begged to be touched. Suddenly, Regulus stopped paying attention to the puppets.

When they stepped off the ride, the park was starting to fill up with visitors, so they headed for the rollercoasters, using the VIP pass to skip the queue. The two rode the biggest, craziest rides, drops and loops, like it was nothing.

But after so many drops, Regulus’s legs were starting to feel a little wobbly, and his brain was screaming for a break from all the excitement.

Fortunately, he had James, who was more than happy to help carry his weight, his arm wrapped around his, and enough energy for both of them.

"Where should we go now?" James was out of breath, equally caught up in the adrenaline, his hair a delightful mess, so damn hot.

"It's one o'clock, I think we should grab lunch and then head to the fair stalls, they’ve got calmer games that won’t turn our stomachs upside down," Regulus suggested.

"And they've got stuffed animals as prizes!" James pointed out.

"You like them?"

"I think they're cute, but I don't have many. Just a lion from when I was a kid, it’s on my bed."

"I never had any stuffed animals when I was a kid. My mum said they just gathered dust and served no educational purpose," Regulus confessed, feeling a pang in his chest as he said it.

"That's sad…" James pouted without meaning to. "Was your mum really strict with you? Because she was a school principal?"

"Oh, no, my adoptive mum is the principal of a school," Regulus clarified. "I lived with my biological parents and my brother until I was sixteen, and then some pretty bad stuff happened, and I was adopted by my best friend Barty’s mum. That’s how I ended up being Arthur Crouch."

"Ah! I see... So Barty isn’t your biological brother? The one who pushed you into the lake?"

"No, he’s not… It’s a complicated and truly traumatic story, not really something to get into right now," he added, with no intention of explaining to James how he had died and come back with a different name.

"No worries, but if you ever want to talk, I’m here for you," James said sweetly.

Although Regulus was sure he had overcome most of his past, he leaned his head on James’s shoulder in wordless thanks for his presence, then became self-conscious, wondering if he was being too bold.

"I love it when you do that," James said, as if reading his mind.

Regulus felt a kiss on the top of his head and heard the soft sound of James’s lips, a gesture of affection that almost made him melt completely, his legs trembling from the intense emotions of the day.

It was clear that little by little, they were becoming more physically intimate, having started the day holding hands, and now, halfway through, they were practically glued together. It was a comfortable progression for both of them and very respectful. Regulus felt like he had found the right person, someone patient enough to wait for his time, to notice the details, and dance to the rhythm of things. James seemed to enjoy it too, his whole body showing how happy and excited he was. It would be a huge disappointment if he told Regulus at the end of the day that he didn’t want to see him again.

He was sure that would happen when they reached the food court.

The smell of frying food filled the air, sending Regulus into a mild panic as he began to wonder what he could possibly eat that wouldn’t upset his stomach. He couldn’t order anything too greasy, shouldn’t eat too much, or consume too much sugar, which was nearly impossible given his choices were basically burgers, fries, hot dogs, and sodas. The last thing he wanted was an accident during his date with James, and when he thought that, he realized he needed to use the bathroom.

"I’ll be right back, take a look at the menu while I’m gone," he suggested. Luckily, Regulus hadn’t had anything to drink all day, or his weak bladder would have given up and caused an embarrassing situation, another disastrous scenario for his first date. 

He left the bathroom, determined to pay more attention to the time and remember that he couldn’t go so long without peeing, taking a deep breath to face the battle in the greasy food court, knowing James had probably started thinking he was acting a bit strange by the look on his face when he came out.

James was still in the same spot, looking at a paper menu from one of the burger-themed stalls. Regulus approached, but didn’t touch him like he wanted to, instead peeking over his shoulder. He skipped the combo meals and elaborate sandwiches and went straight to the more natural and vegetarian options. As always, there was barely anything, but a caesar salad should do. Maybe it was too big and might eventually make his stomach ache, but it was either that or sit through lunch staring at James without eating anything, since there was nothing else that seemed safe.

"Have you decided?" James asked.

"The salad."

"Really?" He didn’t sound judgmental, just curious.

"It’s the only thing I can eat without getting sick," Regulus explained. "I told you it’s complicated."

"And to drink?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?" James raised his eyebrows. "Not even water?"

"No."

He frowned, clearly not happy with that, but didn’t press further, though it was clear he was itching to lecture. James placed the order and insisted on paying for both of them, which Regulus agreed to, since his salad was one of the cheaper options on the menu. They found a nice table away from the sun to sit and wait for their number to be called, Regulus feeling uneasy under James’s concerned gaze. He breathed deeply, trying to hold it together. He had to be strong and take off the bandage quickly, so James could decide if he wanted to stay or walk away.

"I know it’s weird…"

"It’s not healthy," James said firmly.

"I know…" Regulus agreed, feeling the cross-training instructor inside James wake up. "I’m trying to find a diet I can stick to with my nutritionist, but it’s tricky because of the damage my stomach’s been through."

"Damage?" James asked, alarmed.

"My biological father… did something terrible to me when I was younger, and I nearly died because of it," Regulus confessed, his heart racing in his chest.

Not because of his trauma, but because of the reaction James might have to hearing about Regulus’s tragic past. Considering his own healthy family history, it might be shocking for him to learn the kinds of things that happened in other homes and what parents could put their children through when they didn’t love them. Regulus felt like he was presenting this harsh reality to James, as if he was corrupting him with truths about the world that James could very well live without knowing.

"Did your dad beat you?" James asked seriously.

"Also…"

Regulus didn’t need to spell it out, James understood what was left unsaid.

His expression immediately changed, showing his shock and disturbance, covering his mouth as if he were about to choke on his tears or vomit from the disgust. His eyes welled up behind his glasses, and he looked away, breathing heavily as if he couldn’t process what he had just learned. 

Great first date conversation, Regulus , he thought to himself. But unfortunately, it’s only going to get worse .

The laughter as they ran through the park, the warmth of their intertwined hands, the sweet conversations, and the affection that quickly enveloped them—all of it replayed in Regulus’s mind as he felt like he was ruining everything in that moment. However, he knew it was necessary. He couldn’t begin any real relationship with James without opening up about the past that made him feel so filthy and unworthy of his love.

It was necessary for Regulus’s own peace of mind, but he was already suffering, feeling that it had been a mistake to let himself be known at all.

After all, Regulus was selfish, and if he had the slightest hope that James might accept him, he would pursue that spark, even if it hurt him.

“With a piece of wood,” Regulus told him, knowing he had already made his decision.

“My God… this is…” James was at a loss for words, rubbing his eyes to clear the tears, trying to be strong for Regulus.

“Horrific, hideous, repulsive, brutal... I know. My father deserves to burn in hell and suffer eternal torture for the damage he caused,” he commented. “It was years of trying to piece together my sanity, but nothing the doctors did could make my insides return to what it once was...”

“Oh, angel…” James looked at him with sadness.

With extreme tenderness, he took Regulus’s hands across the table, caressing them gently yet firmly, as if he might break and dissolve at the same time. With that, perhaps there was still hope that he truly was going to stay, but Regulus hadn’t finished laying all his cards on the table yet.

It wasn’t what his father had done that made him feel disgusting; maybe the consequences of it made him feel filthy, but there was a true sin of his that James needed to know first.

“My father tried to kill me.”

“My God…” James whispered. “Why?”

“Because I slept with my older brother, I was in love with him,” Regulus said plainly. “I gave him my virginity, and my father caught me in his bed the next day.”

His confession seemed to echo in the silence of James’s disbelieving expression.

The absence of words while James processed what had been said made Regulus feel even more ashamed of himself, regretting deeply that he had reached this point.

It would have been so much easier to say he didn’t want to go out with James, but Regulus realized he kept looking for ways to hurt himself, even after he had stopped self-harming.

He felt like a complete idiot about the decisions he had made, the expectations he had built, and the whole scenario he had created, to the point where it almost felt like he had called James there just to tell him that he was in love with his brother.

Regulus couldn’t find the words to express just how ridiculous he was, or how he shouldn’t have left home the damn day he decided to do cross-training.

“And that’s why you told me you’re a messed-up and dirty person?” James asked finally. His tremor was controlled, and his expression returned to the calm understanding it always had, along with the same underlying interest and thirst for knowledge in his eyes, which hadn’t changed once during the months they had known each other. 

Regulus could hardly believe it.

“Yes, that’s why,” he admitted. “All these years, I’ve never regretted what I did with my brother, but I know it’s wrong, and that’s why I’m a dirty person. I tried to deny how I felt, I tried to suppress the desire, but I’m still the same disgusting person.”

“Oh no, sweet thing, you’re not…” James said with certainty.

“Meeting you, thinking about you, wanting you made me think that maybe there was hope for me, because for the first time, I feel like I’m getting close to being interested in the right person,” Regulus confessed. “And you’re such a good person, James. That’s why I don’t know if I deserve you, considering my sins.”

“Oh, love, I’m so glad you think that about me. I would die for the chance to be that person for you.”

“Even if I’m someone wrong?”

James squeezed Regulus’s hand even tighter, the one he hadn’t let go of for a moment, even when he revealed he had slept with his own brother. His gaze became serious, unwavering, but also full of affection.

“You’re not a bad person, love,” James declared. “You’re so kind, so amazing, so interesting, so caring... so perfect for me... every moment that passes, I feel more and more that we’re on the same page, that things are flowing naturally, that you’re exactly what I’ve been searching for to feel complete. It’s perfect.”

“I’m not perfect…”

“No, no one is, and I really want to know everything about you—the purest parts, the parts that make you insecure, and the ones that bring you pain. I want all of it. Your past, your present... I want to know everything you can tell me,” he confessed. “What we have is good, baby, I trust you so much that I feel I can give myself completely.”

“I feel that too... but I don’t deserve your love.”

“Don’t say that again, it’s not true. You deserve the world, sweet thing, and I’m going to give it to you if you let me.”

With tenderness, in slow movements as though fearing he might scare Regulus, he caressed his cheek, and Regulus couldn’t help but surrender to the affection, closing his eyes to give in. He felt his hopes being renewed, as though the honesty behind James’s words flowed through his bloodstream, creating an even deeper connection.

After all, if he hadn’t gotten up from the table and walked away after such an emotionally charged conversation about his partner’s past—his traumas and dark desires served as appetizers before lunch—there wasn’t much else that could shock him.

Regulus once again felt ridiculous. Barty would surely laugh at him for the decisions he had made without consulting anyone. However, if he told the story of his first date to Dorcas or Pandora, they would undoubtedly say that Regulus was a walking red flag.

Strangely, James seemed to like red a lot.

“I want to embrace every part of you. I want you completely,” he said, gently rubbing his thumb along Regulus’s cheek. “You’re so resilient, so strong. You’ve been through hell, yet here you are, still standing. You’re so brave, baby.”

“I’m not that strong... I tried to end it all.”

“But you’re here now, and I’m getting the chance to get to know you,” James continued positively. “Thank you for telling me all this, thank you for trusting me enough to share your past.”

“I was so scared of what you would do...” Regulus admitted, sighing, holding back his tears.

“You didn’t need to. I wouldn’t treat you differently because you’ve suffered a violence.”

“From my father, yes, it was a violence,” Regulus reinforced. “But with my brother... it wasn’t. I wanted to sleep with him. I truly loved him.”

“I understand, and I won’t judge you for it. I don’t know your story, and I don’t know how that love came about to form an opinion on it,” James promised. “I know a lot of people who love in ways that are considered wrong by society, but they’re beautiful and very happy couples.”

“Really?” Regulus asked, growing more hopeful.

“I swear. I tend to think that if it’s consensual, between people who are mentally capable of giving consent, then it’s fine.”

“That’s a good way to think...”

“But actually, I’d like to know more about you and your brother, if you don’t mind... What’s his name? Where is he now?”

Regulus opened his mouth to say Sirius’s name when their order was called, and James stood to pick it up.

In the brief second he was away, Regulus took a deep breath, holding back his trembling hands of anxiety and happiness. After all, he had managed to say what he needed to, and with that out of the way, he could give himself without the fear of repulsing James with his secrets.

However, looking at his partner, he seemed the complete opposite of disgusted.

James seemed to like hearing about the relationship between Regulus and his brother.