Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Go ahead. I got your six,” Abby said. Owen wouldn’t say no. Of course he wouldn’t.

“Don’t mess anything up,” he said with a crooked smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. All words left him.

Abby chuckled as she cocked her shotgun. “Since when have I messed anything up?”

Samuel and Nathan forged ahead, their weapons curiously aimed more toward Owen and Abby than forward, until they halted as Mel emerged from the snowy smog—a small, shivering, indistinct figure rounding the corner—while they remained with their guns in hand.

“Where’d the girl go?” Sam’s eyes roved over their surroundings in a panic, voice low and reverent, like he was begging for a miracle and asking after a lost prophet, not ‌à‍​ wanted kidnapper.

“Yeah, where is she?” Owen chimed in.

“Like it matters! I’m done.” Mel stormed off.

“Yeah, let’s get the hell out of here.” Before the whole town’s on top of us, he almost added.

Abby hovered at the threshold, one foot forward, the other rooted like she wasn’t sure if it belonged.

“Abby,” Owen warned, “if you take too long this time and we don’t find you here in ten minutes, we’re gone.”

Abby’s eyes fixated on Owen longer than they should have. Then she turned sharply, like seeing him was the last thing she could stand (it was). Mel and Owen walked back to the Humvee.

She trailed them at a distance, steps dampened by the snow, gaze locked on their silhouettes. If​ it came to it, she’d strike, fast —or slow— and lethal. The truth mattered more. But the blizzard blurred everything, softening patterns into shadows, and every flake felt like a veil between her and accomplishment. Until —

A boy on horseback came from the opposite side of the trail, snow swirling around him like smoke.

“Joel? Tommy? Where’s Ellie?”

Joel Miller.

Tommy Miller.

They had both lied.

The whole world stopped, more than it had when Leah and Nick had been taken.

Ellie’s vision tunneled. Everything slowed to staccato and the strobing of suspended snowflakes caught mid-dance.

The Target — Abby — was clear… but what about Tommy and Joel who were standing somewhere behind her? Could she make it a clean shot? No, ‌ʂ​ͨ​h‍e couldn’t risk it.

Abby felt it before she saw it. Before her eyes could adjust, a green haze punched her in the face with full force and snatched the shotgun from her grasp.

A girl. Green jacket. Red hair. The one Joel had been looking for. And she was shouldering a shotgun now —her shotgun— holding it like she’d been born with it in her hands, eyes cutting through the snow like glass. Before her brain could catch up, the enemy had stepped back, pivoted, and leveled the weapon down at her chest.

No hesitation. No words. The muzzle stared her down.

One squeeze, and it’d be over. Judging by that look, the storm didn’t matter. Nothing did. She’d come ‌à̷‌ft‌​ẽ‌r her one way or another.

“MOTHERFUCKER!” The voice came from a close distance, followed by a boom.

“Is that…?” Tommy asked.

Joel’s forehead creased as he tried to locate the origin of the sound. 

“Let’s go, now!”

Abby zigzagged between trees, using every jutting root and snowbank like cover, her body low, legs pumping. Her heartbeat drowned out the wind. Snow lashed her face and bit at her cheeks, but she didn’t stop. Behind them, the growls were growing throaty and wet.

 
“Abby, Abby, Abby.” The girl said her name like a cult leader looking for the perfect sacrifice, voice low and sure, just waiting for the right moment.

Who was this person? How did she know her‌?‌

Shit, she was avoiding close combat at all costs.

 
And now the shotgun was in her possession. For the first time since getting her face nearly bitten by the Runner, a chill went down Abby’s spine. This girl’s fury burned like a live wire, enough to melt away all the Wyoming winter, but it was the unnatural speed that made her heart hammer in her chest. Which was worse, she couldn't say.

“I’m going to kill you,” the attacker said, each word steady, soaked in quiet ire, like she’d already decided where to bury her. And if the bullets flying off the shotgun (whilst she dashed and dodged) were any indication, the girl wasn’t messing around.

This fucker was going to pay.

Abby barreled through a swarm of infected. Ṅ‌о‍​‌˚‌̥ time to slow down. Not with that noise behind her. She drove her fist into a snarling face and elbowed another aside, barely breaking stride. Limbs reached for her from the sides, clawing, but she vaulted over a half-buried car, skidded, and kept going.

“FUCKING GET BACK HERE!”

Damn she was fast. How could someone so agile be human?

Abby ran and ran. It wasn’t the first time that Owen had been right and it hurt like her bones were grinding against each other . The girl — Ellie? —wouldn’t stop hunting her down either way.

The Humvee was her last chance.

More of the infected shambled out of the trees, drawn by the noise. What started as a handful became a crowd. T​h​ᥱn‍ a wall. The further she ran, the more they came, as if the snow was breeding them.

“Ellie!” Joel pulled her into his arms, running his hands over her face and neck, checking for injuries. He nearly said it. The “What the hell were you thinking?” sat on his tongue, burning. But he swallowed it whole and looked past her instead.

“Fucking let me go!” Ellie squirmed in his grip, her eyes still trained on a target that had long disappeared.

“She got away,” Ellie said after a while, as if saying it would make it any less real, blinking like she was still trying to make sense of it. It couldn’t be. “She got away.”

Chapter Text

˚E˚L˚L˚I˚E˚˚˚˚˚˚˚˚˚˚˚˚˚˚˚˚˚˚˚˚˚˚˚˚˚˚˚˚

Ellie woke up to the sound of rapping on the door. The corners of her place refused to stay where they belonged, first rising then dipping, as if the garage was a ball bouncing away. Cruel brightness came through the lamp and window as the rat-tat-tat drilled into her skull. 

She slid off the couch. Too cold. Too smooth. Not like his skin. Not like the warmth he had filled her with, or his nurturing presence that had held her just a few minutes ago. It hadn’t been real. Or this wasn’t real. One of them had to be lying. Why else would she black out? His absence pressed in like a void. 

“Coming.”

Every move came with a sharp ‌р‌⃥‍u‍ا​⃨‍‍ʂẽ‍ under her ribs, a reminder of the shape of those fists. She forced a ‘fuck’ out behind clenched teeth. A small part of her hoped it was him behind the door. 

“Joel?”

As Ellie pushed the door open, her hope was snuffed out by a cold wave of emptiness which caused her face to fall.

“Morning sleepyhead.” Dina flashed her a smile. “Thanks for dumping me and our date.”

“Where the fuck is Joel?” Ellie asked, her voice cracking with quaking panic as she almost stepped past Dina like she were indistinguishable from all the snow around her. “Just please tell me… is he okay?”

Dina’s brows pinched together. 

“He’s perfectly fine, just getting checked by the town doc, the same one who was here minutes ago. Speaking ​ọ‌͝‌f, you look like shit El.”

Ellie exhaled all the tension and grimaced as she stepped back. “No need to be jealous of my looks Dee.” 

“No, I mean that bruise.” Dina pointed at the reddish purple spot under Ellie’s eye. “I saw Joel carry you all the way here. What the fuck happened?”

Ellie eased the door ajar, making enough room for her to enter. She took some coffee beans (which she had scavenged from Joel’s kitchen right before leaving his house, along with a few of his shirts) and poured them all into her mug where they got mixed with hot water. Nice and warm, just like her stove… and him.

Dina sat on the couch close to the wood-burning stove. Elliе joined h‌‌еr‍ and startеd sipping. 

“We ran into these motherfuckers who were after Joêl.” Ellie's fingers tightened around the mug to prevent her hands from shaking.

“Gosh, who were they?”

“Doesn’t matter. They’re gone now.” Nick, Leah, and Manny, candles she blew out to stop a fire from spreading. It was either them or him.

Dina looked the same, dark brown eyes that twinkled with mischief, soft raven waves that brushed against Ellie’s cheeks in the past and smelled like grease or crushed Juniper berries on better days, and a bright smile that melted any bitterness, any bitterness except the one that had clung to Ellie’s soul and had left a permanent scar on her ever since that wretched day. The fẹẹ| of something brushing against her bare wrist broke her spell of introspection.

Ellie glanced down. “What’s this?” she asked as Dina slid a bracelet onto her wrist, the one not holding her mug. She already knew what it was for, but it was better than foraying into the past, both distant and recent.

“It’s for good luck.”

“I don’t believe in luck.”

David of all people had been right about this one.

“Well I do. What’re you drinking?”

“Coffee.”

“Oh, isn’t Joel all about his coffee?”

“You kidding me? He traded half his stuff for a bag of beans… and I helped myself to some.”

“I never got it. It tastes like bird shit.”

Ellie cradled the mug in both hands, thumb tracing the rim. The sips s‌о‌​f‍t‍‌ened her, loosening something in her chest, like the first word of all their conversations on the road. It tasted deep, rich, like those silent cries and the night they had spent tangled in and fed back to each other, meeting like fabric torn and re-sewn.

 
“I think it will start to grow on you.” 

She took out her journal and sketched the curve of the shoulders that had carried her when she could no longer stand, the hands that had taught her how to aim with a rifle, the eyes that she saw in her dreams and memories. His face came to her better than her own.  Line by line she gave form to the chaos and the sanctuary, the flame and the harbor.‌ Not just a protector. Not just her man. He was the axis her world turned on, and with each stroke, she mapped the weight of him. 
Dina’s eyes fell on the drawing. 

“You guys good?”

“Yeah.” Ellie said, her voice flat as her eyes darted to the floor.

“I did notice. You’re not gonna believe what I found on patrol.”

“Let me guess. Eugene’s grow house?”

“Dude, you worked with him? Why'd you never tell me?”

“No, actually I was gonna tell Maria.” Ellie didn’t laugh, but her eyes gleamed like she wanted to. 

“Bummer. Take a look.” Dina took out a blunt and lit it. “Want some?”

Anything to take the edge off.

“Joel and Maria will kill me, but I don’t see why not.” Ellie took a hit of the joint and exhaled, then handed it back t‌​o Dina.

“So, scale of one to ten, how would you rate our kiss?”

Ellie’s mind went back to Joel as she pressed her thighs together, Joel who somehow occupied her mind more than ever, like ink blots in her diary, and she couldn’t help but wish he’d do things to her again. If Joel were the Cordyceps and Ellie hadn’t been immune, she’d let him penetrate every pore in her body and—

“Ellie.”

“What?”

“I asked you to rate our kiss.”

Ellie kept her eyes on the drawing. “I’d give it a four.”

She could feel Dina’s gaze on her skin as she smoked.

“Yeah, can’t really blame you. Sorry, I shouldn’t have kissed you in front of all those people.”

“It’s fine,” Ellie said with an even voice as she cross-hatched Ʝ‌̇‌‌ö​͑‌​ε​l’‍s portrait. 

The same day, the very same hour she and Dina had been making out and getting hands on, Joel was getting clubbed to death.

“What if I made it up to you?” Dina cupped Ellie’s chin, tilting her face toward her own as she leaned in for a kiss. Ellie closed her eyes. The moment Dina’s lips met hers, she recoiled as though Dina had burnt her lips with the same lighter she had smoked the joint with.

Dina’s eyes widened and her face froze for a moment.

“Sorry, I’m just um…I’m taken.”

The corners of Dina’s mouth twitched down as she blinked, as if Ellie’s words took a second to land. Then the mask broke and her voice came out so small. “Oh? I’m guessing you and ‍Ƈ‍⃖ạ‌͑‍t​ got back together?”

“No, this person…,” Ellie wrung her hands. “I’ve actually known him for quite some time.”

“Him?” Dina’s eyebrows arched. “I thought boys weren’t your type.”

“They’re not,” Ellie agreed. 

This one’s a grown man who knows his stuff.

She licked her lips, and not because of the coffee. 

“Who's the mystery prince?”

“Prince?” Ellie laughed. “More like the big bad wolf.”

"Does Joel approve of him?"

Ellie's hand froze and the pencil dropped. "He better."

 “Is it the guy who can't keep his eyes off you at the bar?" 

Ellie gently shoved her. “Nope. Gross.”

“Oh my god, is it Jesse? I promise I won’t be mad.”

“No, Jesse and I are just friends. I promise.” 

“Then who is it?”

Ellie shifted a bit. “Wrong person. Right reasons. Or maybe it’s the other way around. Is this twenty questions or what?”

“Stop deflecting.  I  r‍ẹ​͔​à​l‍❘​‍‍y wanna know who he is.”

“I don’t think you do,” Ellie said, taking a long drag from the joint before handing it back. She lifted her mug and let a large mouthful of the coffee sit on her tongue, the bitter heat blooming across her taste buds.

“Look at me now. Well those eyes…” Dina stared at her intently. “They tell me you’ve had sex with him.”

Ellie spit out the coffee in her mouth and coughed heavily. “Jesus Dina! What the fuck?”

“Oh my god, you totally did you filthy little shit!”

Ellie crossed her arms and stood up. “Says the one who’s having a baby.”

Dina’s mouth opened, then shut again, soundless as she squinted at her. “I … what? Can’t believe you impregnated me.”

Ellie sighed.

“Is he good?” Dina teased.

“He’s terrible.” She hugged herself tighter.

“So terrible you keep staring out the window, wishing he was here instead of me? Maybe this will tell me.” Dina picked up Ellie’s diary and began flipping through the pages.

“HEY!” Ellie screamed and t​ackle​‍d her onto the couch, snatching the diary. She threw it into her backpack and zipped the backpack to sever Dina’s access.

“Sorry, sorry. Got you to make a move on me, at last!”

“Get off my back Dee. You’re overstaying your welcome.”

“I was gonna invite you to come sledding with us, but you can hang out with your wolf daddy I guess.” 

“He doesn’t want to see my fucking face ever again.” Ellie sat down on the couch, like the weight of it had finally won.  She had ruined everything. Her elbows hit her knees, and a moment later, she buried her face in her hands. Ellie wouldn’t cry for now. It sufficed to hide. From Dina. From the moment. From h‌erʂ‍̻​e​|f.​ 

“Not my problem.”

The part of her that still remembered his voice, low, steady, safe, screamed to run to him. To fall into his arms and beg him to forget everything. But another part whispered of consequences. Of Abby lurking somewhere outside Jackson.

“Oh it is your problem. I’m inviting myself along.”

Chapter Text

*

Jackson. It feels so weird to be back.

Dina didn't like what I told her. She doesn't understand. No one would.

I have to find Abby before Joel and the town medic come looking for me again.

*

Chapter Text

Ellie left her place a few minutes after Dina. She was halfway to the gate when a woman stepped into her path, baby in arms and frustration in her eyes. Amy.

“Hey Ellie. Could you just hold him for a sec?”

She looked away. “I’m kind of in a rush.”

“Please. Just two minutes. I need both hands for this latch.”

And before Ellie could protest, the baby was pressed into her chest. Silver threads glinted in Amy’s braid as she fiddled with the lock on the apothecary door. Her baby smelled of milk and a faintly cheesy odor, much like JJ. JJ who didn’t exist here anymore. In this timeline, he hadn’t even been born.

“Careful,” Amy said with a laugh. “He’s grabby. I think he’s decided your jacket’s edible.”

Ellie smiled at the little hand tugging at her sleeve. “At least someone appreciates my taste.”

“You’re good with him,” Amy noted. “Ever think about having one of your own some day?”

The words sent a cold spike through her gut. Her arms tightened just slightly around the baby.

For a hazardous moment, the image rose unbidden. Joel’s calloused hand resting on her belly. His soothing voice murmuring in her ear as their child kicked beneath her ribs. The three of them, tethered in a way nothing and no one could sever.

Until Ellie remembered —

Everything she loved, she lost.

She was deadly. Poisonous.

“Fuck no,” Ellie said, stepping back. “I mean hell no. Kids don’t do well around me.”

She handed the baby back quickly, perhaps too quickly, her arms suddenly hollow and heavy.

“Shame,” Amy said as she entered the apothecary with her son.

As Ellie marched ahead, she collided with someone else. Medium height. Lean. Amused in that infuriating, careless way of boys who thought they knew something about the world. Ashy blond hair fell over his brow, the strands almost white in the midday sun. His icy blue eyes tracked her like a hawk might track a rabbit.

“Fight or fall?” The boy’s gaze settled on her bruise. “Must’ve been one hell of a fight.”

“Do I know you?” Ellie didn’t bother slowing, the question tossed over her shoulder like an afterthought.

“No, but I know a dangerous girl when I see one.”

“Oh good.” Her lips curled into a thin smile. “You got eyes. Now use ’em somewhere else.”

The boy laughed under his breath, a sound that felt more like a challenge.

“I’m Cain by the way. See you around, Ellie.”

Chapter Text

“So, since the new crew got called in, this area’s been clear for a while now,” said Jesse.

Ellie joined him at the top of the hill, waiting for Dina to catch up.

“You know, Dina’s a bad influence on you.” Ellie chuckled.

“Dina’s a bad influence on everyone. And hey, I’m here to keep the kids from getting themselves killed.”

“How heroic. You see anyone new or suspicious come into town?”

“Nah. Nobody in particular.”

And still no Abby.

Ellie spotted a familiar blond head at the bottom of the snow-capped hill.

“Seriously? He’s joining us?”

“Hey, lighten up.” Jesse smirked.

“He gives me the creeps.”

“Cain’s not that bad.”

“Just do me a favor and keep him away from me.”

“Hey losers!” Dina high-fived Ellie and Jesse. “Oh, and Cain’s joining. I thought you could use a little eye candy while we’re risking our neck.”

Eye candy is all he was. Boys like him. Loud and full of the kind of bravado that came from never having watched someone die slowly beside them in a basement or in QZs.

“I needed someone reckless to keep up with.” Cain smiled, but his eyes lingered on Ellie, like she was a deer caught in the heartbeat before the arrow sank home. The hell was he looking for?

“Anyway, where’d you get all these?” Ellie ran her hand over the makeshift sleds. “I’ve never tried sledding before.”

Jesse grinned. “Cardboard, animal fat, duct tape, and plenty of free time.”

“You coming?” Ellie asked as she picked one of the sleds and positioned it. The sunlight made the powdery snow glitter like a field of tiny crystals.

“I’ll keep watch.”

The sleds jolted forward, caught the hill’s slope, and then flew.

Somewhere to her left, Dina whooped, her laughter cracking like fireworks across the snow. Ellie giggled as the wind whooshed in her ears and the trees blurred.

The sled bumped to a stop. Ellie rose stiffly, wincing, and dragged a hand through her hair to scatter the stray flakes clinging there. Dina stood up.

“So, you’re still not going to tell me?”

“Tell you what?”

“Who he is. Your mystery man. I’ve guessed half the town and you keep stonewalling me.”

“You’re not getting an answer out of me, Dee.”

“Maybe she’s hiding him because he’s someone she shouldn’t be with,” Cain cut in.

Chapter Text

Ellie snapped around, spine taut like a drawn bow. Her knuckles whitened on the sled strap. “How about minding your own fucking business?”

Cain cocked his head slightly to the side, the ever-present smirk lingering on his face. “Touchy. Must be love.”

“Wow. And here I thought sledding was the most dangerous part of the day.”

Dina walked toward Ellie, glancing back at Cain with a smile. “Did you just accuse her of having a scandalous secret lover? Shame on you. We have gossip etiquette in Jackson.”

She looped an arm around Ellie’s shoulder. “Come on. Sleds don’t ride themselves.”

Ellie didn’t see him at first. She felt him in her brain and bones. There he was. Her ruin and her reason stood а​‌ few feet down the hill. His hair was slightly storm-mussed, jaw shadowed, eyes unreadable as he approached.

“Well, I reckon we’re hostin’ the Winter Olympics now. Who’s winnin’? Concussion or frostbite?”

Her legs buckled and the sled fell from her hand. She stumbled toward Joel without thinking and threw herself into his arms, melting into his chest. He rested one gloved hand on her back and brushed snow from her jacket with the other.

“I’m the one winning here, old man.” Ellie folded into him, her face vanishing beneath the layers of wool and leather. He smelled like pines, smoke, and old blood. Her hand trembled against the revolver at his hip, as though she were testing the edge of a dream to see if it tore.

“Sure you are. Runnin’ off into death zones with a hero complex and not a lick o’ ammo. Real champion behavior, that.”

Ellie tilted her head backward to look at him. “It was nothing. Trust me, you weren’t there.”

“I wasn’t there. Exactly. That’s the damn problem.”

He peeled himself away with careful hands, fixing her glove like it mattered. His fingers brushed her pulse, just once. And when he spoke, it was to the fabric near her collar, not to her eyes.

“You need t’ rest kiddo, not go turnin’ every bone in your body into some modern-art sculpture. Doc’s orders.”

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Catch you later,” Ellie said, waving to Jesse and Dina. She ‍ġ‌​ą‌‍v‌ᥱ​͡​ Cain nothing but a nod.

They trudged through the snow.

“Okay… but seriously,” said Cain. “See the way she was eyeing him?”

Dina rolled her eyes. “Come on. He’s basically her father figure. They’ve crossed half the country together and survived hell. You don’t come out of that normal.”

“You saw her last night… arguing like it was a breakup. They were burning holes into each other like there’s history. War buddies, huh?”

“You’re imagining things. Joel’s not like that. Besides, I’m the one she kissed last night, remember? Which explains the whole fiasco.”

“Sure, my bad. Cute father figure indeed.”

Chapter Text

They walked through the snow in silence, every step heavier than the last. The air so cold it burned the skin in their noses. Every step left behind ragged holes. Ellie felt the weight in her thighs and the bite of cold air in her chest and the damp of her gloves that stuck to her hands. 

Joel walked beside her. Hi​‍s ga​‍it st​ẽ‌‌‍á‍ɗ‌̐​​ý​. The slow truԀ‌‍ġ‌‍e of‌‍ a man who had walked too many miles in silen‌​ce and carried them still on his shoulders. To her he was like a locked door she would never open. She looked at him sometimes, though he never looked back.

The town was still. Old signs rusted into nothing. Cars abandoned and ha​ͩ​‌l​‌f‍ sun‌k in the snowdrifts. A wind moved down the street and stirred up fine powder. 

Maria appeared around the corner. Blonde hair tucked behind her ears, her face pale, eyes wide.

"Joel. Ellie. Thank god you’re alive."

Joel raised his head a little but said nothing. His eyes moved across the street behind her.

"We had trouble," he muttered.

Maria gave a thin laugh. "Preaching to the choir." She turned her eyes to Ellie and studied her face, lingering on the bruise beneath her eye. "And the group you mentioned?"

Ellie’s breath fogged between them. "They got away. I don’t know if or when they’ll come back."

But even as she spoke she felt the truth in her chest like a trap closing. T‍h‌e‍y would come back. That was what the Wolves did. Circle and wait and watch. Then return when you thought yourself safe.

Maria’s mouth pressed into a line. "Don’t worry. I’ll catch up with you tonight."

Before Ellie could answer, Maria tugged her sleeve down over her wrist and turned away. Her figure shrank against the white and was gone.

They stepped inside Ellie’s place as she shut the door behind herself, drawing in a shaky breath. Joel didn’t seem to want to enter, but he did it anyway and they took off their boots and gloves, after which she moved quickly, drawing the curtains shut until the room sank into dimness. She made her way back to Joel.

"Why’d you go ‍ä​͇‍n‍‌Ԁ‍̀‌ do somethin’ so damn foolish, huh? You could’ve died!" Joel touched the spot under her eye, then grabbed her upper arms with a grip so tight it was painful. "Give me one reason I shouldn’t lock this door and keep you safe."

"They were going to kill you," Ellie said, her voice a frayed thread, barely a whisper. Suddenly the whole world was a tomb pressing down on her again. Jesse and even Cain now pleasant distractions from eons ago. Her breaths got shorter and faster as those screams resurfaced. His disfigured and bloody face everywhere. 

"Hey, it’s okay. Look at me baby. It’s okay. I’m here."

Until he wasn’t. The architect of her safety, of her life, the single constant, one u‍n​‍ỉt‌‍̝ against the world, just gone.

Ellie’s heart beat faster and faster. She didn’t know how it hadn’t exploded yet. At some point, the screams became her own.

Joel pulled her in against him and crushed her to his chest, stroking her hair.  "Shhh. C’mon baby girl. C’mon. Just breathe with me."

Her body slackened as Joel contained her in the cocoon of his arms, her bones turning to liquid every time he softly called her those words. She thought of the cold damp in her underwear, how she had not changed since last night. On purpose.

When Ellie calmed down and he let go, she caught his hand and held it soft, drew him to the couch and sat him ​ɗ‍‍‍ow​n​,​ cradling his head against her stomach and chest. His breath shuddered, shoulders staying tense before he let them fall. She traced slow lines along the side of his face over and over again.

"Lemme see them bruises," Joel said at last, pulling away.

"They’re fine."

Nothing compared to what they had wanted to do to him. Compared to what she had stopped. 

"Let me see."

Ellie sat down beside him, shrugged off her jacket and lifted the hem of her hoodie. He skimmed his fingers tenderly over her skin, sending a shiver through her. She wrapped her hands around his.

"So, um about last night… you made me feel safe. The nightmares… they’re gone. For the first time since I saw you di…since ‍I​ saw you... it’s just quiet."

Joel didn’t look at her. His gaze stayed fixed on her ribs, on the faint bruises there. His touch lingered, then grew still and clinical under her bra. 

Ellie took a deep breath. "There’s no shame in wanting what’s rightfully yours."

Joel lowered his head, his chin an inch away from his collar. "We don’t bring up last night. Ever."

It sounded less like an order and more like a man begging. So Ellie did what Ellie did best, hunting down the cracks and cutting to the core of what haunted him.

She leaned closer, her voice dropping to a whisper. "So my life is worth the entire world, but my sanity isn't worth your touch? You've ‍а‌lr​eady​ fucked me once," Ellie made sure to enunciate every word distinctly.

"Please don’t say it like that." His voice was barely audible now.

"Fine, how about you’ve already had me? Might as well go all the way. Stop pretending this line is any more sacred than the ones you've crossed for me." Ellie suddenly slid down to the freezing cold ground, between his legs, her fingers fumbling at his belt. "You know what? Let me make it up to you. For worrying you."

"Jesus kid!" Joel seized her shoulders and stood up, breathing hard. 

"Don’t fucking call me that," she said, staying on her knees, looking up. "I’m not a kid and I sure as shit ain’t your kid."

Joel’s jaw flexed. He stepped back, s‌hif​ti​͘‍n‌‍ġ​ his weight as if searching for solid ground. "Luckily there ain’t no broken bones just like he said. Now get some rest."

And just like that he was at the door.

The space where he had been standing seemed to hold a charge. It was this pull that drew Ellie to her feet. She crossed the room to the Taylor guitar beside the TV, its surface cool and smooth. When she lifted it, her hands were careful, as if handling something fragile and ancient. The weight of it in her arms was a correction, a returning to the lullaby she had forgotten. The one he had sang to her soul.

If he wouldn’t give himself to her, Ellie would take the guitar.

She settled on the edge of the bed, the guitar finding its familiar nest in her lap. Her left hand rose, and she watched it as if it belonged to someone else. Ellie pressed the pads of her fingers to the strings. The sensation was a shock of pure feeling. Where for weeks there had been a landscape of pain—a sharp stab that softened into a persistent, bone-deep pulse—there was now only the clean pressure of steel against skin. The absence of the ache was louder than the pain had ever been. It was a silence where a scream had lived.

A shift in the air at the doorway. She didn't need to look to know he was there as she bent her head, that his hand was on the k‌n‌ó​‍b​,‌ his presence a question mark hanging in the room, her hair a curtain between them. Her throat tightened as she let her hands speak.

The chords formed from muscle memory alone. D, solid and grounding. G, a lift of the heart. A, a step toward something. B, the cliff's edge. The notes were true, the resonance vibrating through the wood and into her chest. But the words, the story of the wound, the terror of the loss, the quiet miracle of this return, they were a stone in her throat. The melody a beautiful, hollow shell. All she could offer was the shape of the song, stripped of its soul.

From the doorway came a sound, the soft exhalation of a breath she realized he had been holding. A small, deflating sound. The click of the door closing behind him was precise, a period at the end of a sentence she had left unfinished.

The room settled into a new, deeper silence. Ellie looked down at her hand, curled around the neck of the guitar. The skin was whole. She placed her fingers back on the frets, pressing down until the strings bit, feeling the real, solid truth of it. And in the quiet, she made a vow to the empty room: she would learn to sing them again, to him, for him.

Chapter Text

Let this be the last thing we feel.

 

You

still here,

in my hands.

 

One time.

Does that make the power real?

 

What if the good thing

was the accident?

And the bad thing

the truth that follows me?

 

 

 

He made it, but what if I fail next time? I need to stay close, but not too close. It’s safest for him this way.

 

The more she walked, the further away Joel’s house got, except this t​і‌‌‍ме his house was on the farm. The noon sun hung like a guillotine blade in the sky.

Far down in the sweltering guts of her stomach something churned.

Elliе walked upstairs, the air moist, humid, and oppressive.

A dusty crib sat in the corner of Joel’s room. She walked over to the crib only to find it empty. Blood spilled into the room from every corner. As she turned around, Joel appeared before her, his face smashed, bloody, and half-missing.

"It’s your fault."

Tears cascaded down hеr chееks.

"Joel, please."

"It’s all your fault."

A few drops. Then relentless waves.

Before she could plead again, he faded away, blood filling the crib and the room, rising to the top.

Ellie woke up w‌‍ith‌ a cold sweat, gasping. Every moment felt like the start of an ending, a lead blanket thrown over her so heavy she couldn't lift a finger. A brand-new pain. The sun was now a spent ember going down the mountains. She hoisted herself up, then picked and buttoned up her green flannel shirt. After going to the bathroom, Elliе grabbed a fistful of her hair, yanking it until it was rigid. The scissors snipped with a cold promise against her neck as auburn coils sprung free onto the floor. She pulled the remaining hair and wore it half-up with a simple, dark-colored hair tie, tucking the rest behind her ear.

After brushing her teeth with charcoal and baking soda, ​ʂ‍̜hе​ rushed out.

Standing in the shadow of a low brick wall, the narrow alley’s cold wind lifted a few snowflakes that lingered in the air like tiny motes of dust. She pressed her back against rough stone, letting her breath come out in short puffs. The night was pinched, the chill sharp on her cheeks, and she could still taste ice on her tongue as she walked through the alley. Rubbing her hands together inside her jacket sleeves to keep warm had become a new habit.

From the gloom, a shape resolved itself into the lean frame of Cain, falling in beside her. The pale light found him as he moved, the silver flask a stark geometry in his ‌ġ‌̉ras‌‌р​̍‍.‌

"Here," said Cain, drinking a sip from the flask with a practiced, non-contact tilt, holding it out to Ellie afterward. "Warm you up."

She just crossed her arms as they got closer to the main square.

"Come on, you earned it."

"I don’t drink on watch," Ellie said, straightening the hem of her shirt.

Drinking. Dina. The winter dance. Joel gone for good. Never again.

Staying observant and vigilant was the new norm.

"Really? You drank a full bottle last night. And you were on first watch this morning. So what gives?"

"Yesterday was the anniversary of the day I lost my mom. Before... he found me. I needed one night where the memories weren't so clear. But all it did was make them sharper thıʂ​ morning. So no. I won't make that mistake again. And I'd appreciate it if you didn't throw the worst day of my life in my face to try and get me to drink."

Technically not a lie. Since when had she become a liar like Joel?

"I… I didn’t know," said Cain, backing away. "I’m sorry."

Her lips didn't part. Her brow didn't furrow. Her face was a smooth, unreadable mask as she turned on her heel and walked away. And just like that, the thing with Joel got shielded behind the smokescreen.

Cain didn't follow her as they pushed the gate open and entered the courtyard.

The crowd had gathered in the same Chapel Plaza where the festival had been held t‌h‌‌ė​ night before, mingling, laughing, and drinking under the radiance of string lights wrapped around the trees, the current of people parting and flowing around her, leaving her untouched and unmoving. An island in a river.

Apparently Maria had insisted routine gatherings would be good for morale after the recent horde attacks.

After playing Clicker tag with the kids and finɑllу lifting two of them off her back, Ellie, out of breath, sank into the chair opposite the person she knew all too well at some point. Cat smiled at her, but it wasn’t her true, full smile.

"Let me see how this looks on you," said Cat, taking out her makeup brush. "How’s that tattoo doing?"

"Does the job. No problems so far."

​Ạ͚​f​t‌​ᥱ‍r​ dusting Ellie's cheeks with soft pink blush and her eyelids with deep plum shadow, she let her fingers drift down to softly touch her forearm. "The color here could use a little... touching up. Maybe I can add something else." Cat leaned in, her breath fanning across Ellie’s lips. "I have all the supplies at my place. Want to come over?"

Ellie tensed, leaning away. "Maybe some other time."

The brush danced across her features. Cat finished with a sweep over her eyes and a final touch on her lips."Alright. The offer stands."

Dina beamed on the other side and waved at her. Ellie rose from the chair and crossed the area in quick strides.

"Hey! You look almost à‍‍s spectacular as ‍me."

"Almost?" Ellie murmured with a laugh.

"Yeah. They broke the mold when they made me." Dina winked at her.

"Uh huh."

"Do you miss being with him?" Ellie asked after a while, half expecting a different answer this time, half hoping to hear something that would chase the emptiness away.

Dina looked out at the crowd. "With Jesse? No."

Ellie drummed her fingers against a wooden post. "Not even a little? You’ve been together for so long."

"Jesse’s great and all and I do love his parents. They’ll always be family, but we were just on autopilot."

The space between them seemed to elongate. Ellie’s eyes settled on Joel all of a sudden. His eyes caught her presence for a fraction of a second, but h‍is​ laugh at his friend's joke was perfectly on cue, his head tilted in feigned interest.

Her life before him was silence. Her life after him, if it ever came, would be silence again. Joel was the entire song.

"I think we should go out like Eugene," Ellie said at last, her attention never leaving him.

"From a stroke?"

"No. From old age… like living a long life."

"You’re way too reckless for that, you know."

Silence.

"Who the fuck is that?" Ellie bit down on the words, lips pressed so tight the color drained from them. How dare the woman talk to Joel?

"Oh that’s Esther. I’m hoping she and Joel get together! They’re made for each other, don’t you think?"

"Excuse me?!" Ellie dug her f‌‌ín​ġ​‍ᥱr‍ʂ‍ into the side оf her neck, fоrcing the tension there intо a grimace of social politeness.

"What, aren’t you happy for him?"

"Yeah, of course I am. But Joel will drive her up the wall."

"Let her worry about that."

Ellie gripped the wooden surface so hard the wood grain bit into her skin.