Archive of Our Own ^beta

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It was an average precure first day where the precure sun was shining in crispia city and guess what??? Our protagonist is sleeping in like average. But then his lil brother custard III (because theyre like 20 in this AU lol) came in and started terrorizing him, so pure vanilla woke up looking like a pretty princess and then checked his clock. “OH MY BLUE IT’S 6:36 AM I HAVE GO IN 2763 SECONDS!!!”

He got dressed quickly and ran out with a piece of toast. He then ran through the school, gracefully slid into room 420, and sat down just as the bell rang. Then the teacher (who was me with a mustache) explains that it’s a new school year and explains the curriculum and stuff. While I do my job, pure vanilla looks out the window and stares STRAIGHT INTO THE SUN. (It doesn't really matter, because in this au he’s already half blind) he swears he sees the sun glow blue for a second, accompanied with the classic Precure “ding” sound.

After class, pure vanilla sees his pookie wookies, dark cacao, golden cheese, hollyberry and white lily, who are convieniently hang around nearby. (For background info, they're childhood friends who met in elementary.) pure vanilla approaches the four. “Wassup my SKIBIDI SIGMAS???!!” He asks. There was a moment of audible silence until they started yapping again. They start talking about their… majors or something? (Idk how colleges work.) They talk about their classmates and stuff, and their plans for the day.

Then we timeskip until lunch and we see the five hanging out for lunch!!! (Probably outside, because isn't that how colleges work) Then the screen pans over and we see spoiled.. I mean shadow milk hanging out in an alley like some stalker. He’s like holding his EVIL DECEITFUL SOUL JAM and a bag of groceries cuz that's his job in the beast household. then we see some NPC lying to someone else and shadow milk notices that and takes that ITTY BITTY CUTE LITTLE DROP OF DECEIT and turns it into A WOAHHHHH???? MONSTER!!! Pure vanilla nearby notices it and drops his sandwich. “erm guys I gotta shit” He awkwardly spins around and skedaddled out. He runs towards the average Precure empty arena field and theres the monster… And shadow milk gigging like a teenage girl. “Woah, I never thought I would see a Smurf in the wild!!” pure vanilla exclaims. That was a bad move. Shadow milk immediately froze. “WHAT did you say.”

“Oops.” pure vanilla knew it was over for him. Because shadow milk then pointed towards him. “monster, kill that femboy.” pure vanilla doesn't falter though (GET IT LMAO) and when the monster tries to hit him, some yellow light protects him WOAH!!! he then says something along the lines of “I’m not letting you spread lies to the world and I will not falter! >:)” (lowkey i cant make dramatic speeches so…) then the precure tambourine and ribbon thing appear out of nowhere. (imagine kimi to idol’s items but worse.) shadow milk goes “WHAT THE BAKING?!” and literally gets flashbanged. Then pure vanilla does a whole precure transformation and turns into cure compassionate and does the generic high jump thing, while shadow milk is literally tweaking out like “EW FRIENDSHIP AND HAPPINESS”.

Then pure vanilla uses his generic precure power finisher and kills the monster thing. Shadow milk is super shocked but then gets into his RIZZY state and smirks. “Heh… PreCure? I haven't heard that name in a long time. We’ll meet again… soon! NYEHEHEHEHEH!” And disappears in a fruity way. Pure vanilla shrugs and detransforms. “Well that was weird. ANYWAYS IM LATE FOR CLASS!!” and he runs back into class with a spin that makes him perfectly sit down on his seat. Then the teacher (me) says “we literally could have died but thank blue we got saved by some fruity twink” and everyone awkwardly clapped. The screen fades to black, and then we see silhouettes of the other four beasts playing roblox together as shadow milk comes back with the (regular) milk.

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It starts with dark cacao walking in school and stuff and he hears people talking about the SLAY Precure battle a few days ago. He debates who cure compassionate is and whether if he is in the closet. (is that even a question) He gets to class on time and sees pure vanilla waiting for him. (the whole ‘college’ thing is going out the window, but this runs on precure logic)

Because he's a gay little boy he sits next to him, and starts pondering like he usually does. Since it was getting really awkward, pure vanilla decided to strike up a conversation. “Uhhh have you heard the news about that amazingly handsome magical boy?"

“how could I not?? Everyone's talking about him."

“well… Did you see that some of our classmate are making exposing accounts on him… Yikess… Would hate to be that guy." pure vanilla was noticeably sweating, as he really did not want to be canceled. Dark cacao noticed this, but didn't think much about it. “Well I gotta tell you something--” pure vanilla started, but the door to the classroom BURSTED open, and a very zesty voice filled the room. Guess what??? It was shadow milk I MEAN BLUEBERRY MILK. heheheh TOTALLY. He steals pure vanilla to go get intel or some loser villain shit and dark cacao is just left alone, because his man was just stolen by a Smurf knockoff.

He then sees golden cheese hanging out like a diva and goes up to her. “Hey girlypop!!!” he says, not smiling because he doesnt know how to. “Don't you think pure vanilla is like acting strange… At least even more than before?" “Wait, Is it something to do with that magical femboy?" golden cheezits asks, obviously referring to you-know-who."WELL IS IT WRONG TO BE CONCERNED???” dark cacao asks, as the closet becomes more transparent.

Then the screen pans away to pure vanilla being pinned on the wall by blueberry milk. Ermmm Awkward… “Heh… So babygirl, what do you know about… The pretty cure?" blueberry milk asks, in his rizz voice. Pure vanilla was obviously on edge, because this random ass guy just kidnapped him from his classroom and boy friend. “I don't even know you why the shart would I tell you anything” this made blueberry milk get slightly ANGY. ”GRRRRR little boy you gotta tell me or I'm using the lie detector on you” (which was obviously a lie because the beasts couldn't even afford a proper evil lair). pure vanilla was still unfazed. He looked at the camera like ‘do you see this shit??’ but meanwhile, since pure vanilla was obviously very distracted, we see mystic flour lurking around (but unlike shadow milk she was slaying the house down or whatever u GEN-ZERS say. 🙄)

She gathers some peoples’ apathy power… (Or whatever we call it in this show)… And like… Puts some ✨flour✨ on it. BANG BANG BANG!! It turns into big terrorizing monster. It broke the school’s ceiling… What does that mean for our tax dollars?? And so a lot of the kids are running. We see dark caca and golden chicken wings by the scene Of the crime. Golden chez is like “Just an idea, but maybe we should run." and dark cacao holds a finger to her lips and said “nah, I'd win." golden cheese awkwardly just walks away because you could never change dark cacaooo’s ideas once they come.

Mystic flour is just standing there crossing her arms like ‘this doesn't matter, because in the end we’re all gonna die anyway 😀’ then pure vanilly runs up, who somehow escaped from blueberry milk. “Wait… This isn't the same gay as last week- eh, whatever, you're going down too.” He holds up the Precure tambourine in the standard Precure pose and says a cool line, like “I wont let you terrorize future McDonalds employees again!” and transforms. Dark cacao is like ‘wait. What the baking?? 🤯’ after pure vanilla transforms, he does some cool flips and stuff, but the monster eventually traps him in a flour cage. Just like Cure Idol in episode 3, he has the complete ability to get out, if he just… i dont know, TRIED to push the FUCKING FLOUR, but that somehow never crossed his mind. “Oh no! Seems like I've been trapped! Whatever will I do? Unless the power of plot gets me out!" and right on cue, dark cacao approaches mystic flower and the monster.

“This ISN'T very cool of you!! What did those minimum wage working students do to you??" and mystic flour stares at him like "who is this guy to yap at me?” and then he says his line from beast yeast 4 where he’s like "I'm dark cacao cookie 😜😜😜!!! And I will never give up!!! As I AM THE PROTECTOR OF BURNT OUT COLLEGE STUDENTS EVERYWHERE!!" a Precure tambourine and ribbon appear out of nowhere again, and music flour is like “oh, guess this guy IS relevant.”

the monster tries to fire another cage at him, but the purple light blocks it and everyone in a 50 foot radius gets flashbanged by dark cacao transformation who becomes cure dragon Lord. mystic flour is like “that's a really dumb name lmao” and dark cacao MAGICALLY frees PV from the cage. (Just kidding, he just poked the cage and it exploded) And then pure vanilla thwacks the monster with his staff (guess he was secretly a dps) and dark cacao purifies it, which surprisingly doesn't char the ground. After the monster is gone, the surrounding area just gets miraculous ladybug’d and mystic flour is like “ugh.. Whatever 💅💅💅” and disappears. Pure vanilla and dark cacaoaoaoa just stare at each other for a second and then celebrate. “BESTIES FOR LIFE!!!" Meanwhile, golden cheese peeks out from a wall or something, and she saw everything… OMG PLOT TWIST WOAHHHH And then one timeskip later, the news about the TWO Precures are nearly inescapable. Dark cacaoaoao has basically accepted the fact he’s a magical boy now and somehow there's already ship edits of them.

Chapter Text

Dark cacao and silly vanilly are chatting in class like the little fruits they are and some random unimportant classmate comes up to them. “Wassup gays we're tryna find out the precure’s identities!!!" well shit. Dark cacao and pure vanilla laugh nervously and says something like “wow.. Good luck with that…” and the classmate walks off to yap to someone else. After a few minutes, golden cheese comes up to the duo. “I know what you are." dark cacao and pure vanilla get nervous again, thinking that she knows that they are the precures. “I know you're one of them GAYS.” that made the duo sigh with relief. “And Yeah I know ur the Precure too lmao” golden cheese snickers and walks off casually. Wait a second what.

“what did she sayyyyy???" pure vanilla asked, already digging his grave below his desk. “We’re doing great at this secret identity thing” dark cacacac says sarcastically, despite them literally transforming in the open most of the time. They suddenly get a ping on their phones. Apparently they've been invited to some Precure expose group. “This day couldn't get any better." dark cacacao said, joining pure vanilla in his grave digging. “do you think goldfish cheese exposed us??" pure vanilla started to panic. “Nah she wouldn't do that we’re her bestie westies remember?" cacacao said. “I HOPE YOU'RE RIGHT." Pure vanilla started to descend into his grave. Dark cacao started to scroll up the group chat and sighed with relief, as nothing major was exposed. But the group did have a lead on something. Both pure vanilla and dark cacacac weren't present in the silly little campout where the rest of the school hid. Oh shit. The duo scrambled to make up an excuse-- They had to use their collective 5 brain cells to make it work -- then they ran off to confront golden cheese.

The screen cuts to a far shot of the beasts’ Lair, which was mainly a giant pillow fort filled with MLP merch and game consoles, with the addition of some Precure figurines. Shadow milk and mystic flour are huddled in a corner, lamenting and stress eating popcorn. Shadow milk was crying extremely annoyingly, while mystic flour tried to calm him down by making flour balloon animals. Then burning spice walks into frame and steals shadow milk’s popcorn. “Yall losers if u cant even defeat a bunch of gays.” he says as he eats the entire thing, including the paper bag, in 5 bites. Mystic flour glared at him. “Fine, then you go this time, you sunburnt biscuit.” “FINE!!! I WILL!!" burning spice stormed off, pouting.

The screen cuts to dark cacao and pure vaniininininini talking to golden cheese in an alley behind the school. “So… PLZ PLZ PLZ PLZZZZ DON'T EXPOSE US!!!!" they begged. “And what's in it for me?" golden cheese asked. The duo had planned for this. Dark cacao pulled out a blanket that was SOO SHINY and offered it to golden cheese as a peace offering. It seemed to have worked, because her eyes lit up. “Woah! Where'd you get this?" she asked, putting it on like a cape. “the long bacon store." dark cacao replied. “Well, you got yourself a deal guys!!” golden cheeseballs flashed a thumbs up. Then, the earth shook!!! There was a floating UGLY THING IN THE SKY! Oh, and the monster of the week is there too. Yup, you guessed it, burning spice summoned a flying monster thing just as ✨hideously attractive✨ as he is. “Uh… You got this guys” golden cheese backs off as the cures transform. But there was a PROBLEM!! every time they tried to jump, the monster just flew higher. Yeah, this ain't working.

“Hey, get back here you FOUL CREATURE!" pure vanilla demanded, even though he really wasn't very intimidating when he looked like that. Burning spice just laughs in his face, even though he was at least 6 meters away from them. “Yeah, no." That statement made pure vanilly FUME WITH RAGE. “Well what about your son who's still waiting for the milk?” this made burping lice a bit confused, because last time he remembered, shadow milk just got the groceries a while ago. “Well, shadow milk just got the milk a few days ago so shut your yapper.” pure vanilla was about to retort, but got pinned down by GIANT EVIl duct tape. That left dark cacacacaca, but he couldn't do much, as he was a melee character. He tried to jump towards the monster again, but he fell again, and this time the monster did a wombo combo on him, slamming him to the floor.

Seeing as the cures were immobilized, burning spice floated off cackling to himself, but was stopped by golden cheez. “Now hold on a second lil bro," she said, holding up a hand to stop him. “What the sigma?!" burning spice asked, glaring. “Now, my friends may be REALLY INCREDIBLY stupid for being the legendary pre cure people-thing, but they're still my most ✨valuable treasures✨.” upon hearing that, burning spiciee just blew raspberries at her. “Uh… Yeah I don't care. You can die now.” the monster went to fire a shot at her, but was blocked by a golden light. “Are you kidding me right now?!" burning spice was in shock. Golden chess smirked and grabbed the tambourine and ribbon that spawned. now guess what? Everyone gets flashbanged again. She strikes a pose and transforms into cure immortal. Dark acacac is just like “why can't I have a normal sounding name like them??" And guess the best part about this? SHE CAN ACTUALLY FLY. cure wing who?? we have cure immortal now.

Anywayyyyyyyyyyyys, golden cheese effortlessly flies up to the monster’s level while pure vanillaaaa and dark cacao give her points for her stylish acrobatic performance. Golden cheese purifies the monster while burning spice is like “😦😦😦”. Golden cheese descends to the ground as they other cures cheer for her. Burning spice disappears while muttering something like “ugh… DIVAS… >:P” and as the cures were about to leave, they get bombarded with cameras. Using her cool epic diva powers, golden cheese swoops up the other two and land somewhere quieter to detransform. “You have no idea what you just got yourself into. 😀” pure vanilla says.

Chapter Text

(cringe warning. You have been warned an extra time. Don’t sue me guys!!!!)

We see the current three revealed beasts watching replays of the last precure battle on a big screen tv. All three of them are slightly on edge. “Man fuck those precures." shadow milkie says, still salty. “Yeah, I bet you’d like that.” burning cure spicy added. “What's THAT supposed to mean?!" shadowowowo milk replied. “Guys, Have you seen social media recently? There's so much chatter about those magical boys and girl.” mystic floral said, trying to change the subject, as it seemed like burning spice and shadow milk were about to throw hands. “We can barely afford electricity or WiFi here, what makes you think we can see that?!" shadow milk asked.”You guys don't use the school computers?" mystic fllolololr replied, slightly confuzzled. “We have computers?? "burned spice added. “Well they didnt tell you, probably because u cost the school $2763 million in tech repairs from bluescreening every computer there… also you’re basically banned from the internet.” shadow milk said, turning back to the tv. The camera zooms into the tv, transitioning into the intro.

In the classroom of generic precureness, the precure trio are chilling and what not. “Have you seen this invitation to hollyberry’s coronation party? Dark cacacac holds up a badly drawn flyer, possibly made in MsPaint. It says: “You are cord dial e invited to prin cess Holly Berryz core in ation in rizzberry kingdom. At for twenty pee em today you will travel by care age. C you son”. Pure vanilla and golden chez squinted at the poster. “Was this made with voice to text or something?" Next to the horribly written notice was an even more horrible drawing of the five bestie westies. “Well, at least she tried. Guess we should go after school.” From the doorway, we see a SPOOKY silhouette, who giggles. “NYEHEHEHHEHEHEHEHEH…" it only lasted for a second until they started coughing profusely.

Then, we timeskip until the trio is in a dilapidated carriage. They all look extremely bored. “So… She's the princess of a nearby kingdom and didn't give her best friends a better carriage?” golden cheeze crackers asks. “maybe you should learn how to stfu you kfc bucket of wings looking ah” the person driving the carriage says (which was me with a mustache again). Golden cheese was seconds away from crashing out at me until pure vanilla stopped her. “Uh… Guys we’re here…!” He awkwardly smiles, lifting golden chez and dark cacacao up and skedaddling out of the carriage. After throwing the two at a wall (because he can't drop them like a NORMAL person) , pure vanilla enters the Rizzberry Kingdom gates, with golden chez and dark cacao following close behind.

When they enter, they see hollyberry dressed up like a princess with white lilylylyl helping her. But the thing that caught the trio’s eye was the ribbon in hollyberry’s hair. “I might be blind, but is that a cure ribbon in her hair?!" pure vanilla asks. “You literally ARE blind, budy. And yes, I'm pretty sure thats a cure ribbon.” golden chez says. As the trio whisper not-so-quietly to each other, hollyberry notices their arrival. “What's up, my skibidi rizzlers?! That's a common greeting in my kingdom.” She shakes their hands aggressively. “Uh… You too? sigma?" pure vanilla says, more as a question. “foodfoodfoodfoodfood." GC skedaddles away, already heading to the dining room because she wants some LUXURIOUS snacks. The others follow, also feeling a bit hangry >:(.

They all sit at the long dining table, and received some snacks like ballerina cappuccina or something im not updated on this brainrot shit. While they eat, pure vanilla’s gaze was fixated onto the cure ribbon. “nice ribbon you got there. where'd you get it, my skibidi sigma?" He winks at hollyberry which just looked really sad and pathetic. Golden cheese and dark cacao stare at him with aghast expressions. “erm It's a relic." hollyberry says, ignoring pure vanilly’s horrible Rizzberrinese. ”My family gave it to me." after that white lilyyiyyiiykl gets reminded of something. ”I’ve been wondering who the hell these magical sailor moon knockoffs are. Isnt it unwise to have a party when the world is practically gonna be in shambles???” the room goes quiet for a second "Whoops. Teehee." hollyberry giggles with a :3 face. “Anyways… Since we've all eaten…" she says, while everyone else ate like about 0.43342 bites of food. ”it's almost my coronation time." She says, checking her Ben 10 watch.

“Wait, coronation?! the poster says core in ation!” pure vanilla says, holding up the flyer, where the words ‘corn a nation’ are visible. “What the FREAKY DEAKY??”
“Anyways…” hollyberry starts, as pure vanilla starts frantically looking over the poster, “Meet me in the courtyard for the coronation. Everyone's there." She starts walking out of the dining room.

We then cut to the coronation, where eternal sugar is lurking around by the bushes, because that is completely normal. "Wait, what the sucrose? I was here to corn a nation, not to watch a coronation! You freaking scammers!” She holds up a hand, filling the room with light pink mist. As the mist fills the surrounding area, everyone around falls asleep, just as soon as the five arrive. “WHO'S READY TO PARTY- erm.. I guess no one. What's going on?"
“I think it has something to do with the monsters that have been appearing…” white lily thinks, but before she can think any further, golden chez, pure vanilla and dark cacacao pose with their transformation items. “It's hero time!" they say, extremely out of sync. (they are NOT hirogaru sky precure)

After they transform, they try to do a cool pose, but pure vanilla trips over dark cacao’s sword. from the depths of the mist, steps out eternal sugar. “Oh. My. Blue. I'm your biggest fan!!!” She says, snapping photos of the trio, then throws away the camera. “Nah, just kidding. Come on, Yarenada!” she says, throwing a badly made papier-mache ball. When that doesn’t work, she just summons the monster. The cures look confused. “Uh… What's a Yarenada?" dark cacacacac asks. There is a moment of silence before the monster starts groaning louder than ur mom after I bang her. “Welp, Bad luck to you guys. I'm gonna go attend these confectionery delights!” eternal sugararar says, floating over to the snack tables and stuffing her face. “Isn't that cannibalism?" golden chez asks. “Are u secretly the beast of being a big back??😨 ” pure vanila asks out of curiosity. They didn't get an answer though, as the monster starts blasting lasers everywhere.

After the cures lead it away from the party, they try to defeat it, but… Erm… They suck. Golden chez was the only one who could actually hit it, and most of the time it just deflected her spears. “Well, time to write my obituary.” pure vanilla says. “Ohhh, if only we had a SHIELDER!" he cries, winking towards the camera. Out of convenience, hollyberry remembers her cure ribbon thingy magingy. She flicks it out of her hair and shows it off like a guy showing off a fish he recently caught. “Ur not dying on my ben 10 watch.” She says. “Aw dang it!” pure vanillalalla yells from off screen. “What the sugarcane and sucrose?!” eternal sugar exclaims, even though she fully expected this to happen. A PreCure tambourine thing appears, and hollyberry takes it.

“Yeah, don't ask why it's so ugly. Just transform already." golden chez says. So transform hollyberry did. As of writing this she doesn't really… Have a cure name so just pretend she does. (It's probably gonna be better than dark cacacacca’s at least HAHAHHA.) When hollyberry descend from wherever transformations usually take place, the monster gets ready to fire its LAZER again, but WHOOPS!!! it gets blocked by her shield!!! While the other cures cheer, white lilylylyiyly is standing in the back, feeling useless. “Man, I wanna be a precure too! HMPH SO UNFAIR!!” But she continues to support the cures, and even yells some words of encouragement! (Some examples include but are not limited to: “Oh my god, you guys are stupid” and “This is who we let save our city?”.) But it seemed to work, and hollyberry finished off the not-Yaraneeda.

Eternal sugar didn’t seem extremely mad though, as she finished eating the last of the treats. She then noticed that her monster was gone. “Eugh, whatever. I still get my paycheck. Yuri manga here i come 😜” She snaps her fingers and disappears. There was a slight pause as the cures watched eternal sugar’s powers fade from the party. “Wait, they get paychecks?!” pure vanilla asked. “Well then she should compensate me for the stolen snacks.” hollyberry says, looking at the MESS eternal sugar left. The cures ran inside to de-transform before the guests woke up again, leaving white lily to attend the partygoers, wondering what all her life choices led to.

Chapter Text

We start with white lilylylylyl hanging out alone after school like a classic introvert. Then we see the (not so) cool kids roll up (As in bluberry milk, refined flour, incandescent spice, sparkling sugar and crystallized salt — I wonder who that is!!) and corner her. White lily gets confused because why is she getting so much bitches all of a sudden. “Oh golly gee willikers guys, why are you guys cornering me?? Are you gonna kill me or… heh… yallwanna make out?”

All the disguised beasts stared at each other. Sparkling sugar spoke up. “If you’re not opposed to it… 😜” but was silenced by refined flour. “Uh… sorry. We’ll be on our way. Apologies.” They started to skedaddle, but in such a way that they almost tripped over every little groove in the road. “What the shart was that about.” white lily wondered. She then remembered her friends were literally the precures. Maybe those FUCKING FREAKS were after them. “Oh… shiiiiit. I guess I gotta warn them. Or I don’t and this arc goes on for another 10 episodes.” She stands idly for another 2763 miliseconds, before crossing her arms and deciding to not do anything. “I’m such a great support character.”

The screen fades and we see the ✨FULL✨ layout of beast yeast… and god is it ugly. The giant pillow fort is probably the best part, lowkey. The screen pans down and we see the cookies or darkness chilling on an actually nice looking leather couch. They’re playing monopoly or something, having a way better living situation than the beasts. The screen then goes back to the Pillow Fort of Loserness. Shadow milk is using his phone (probably the only one they have) and is scrolling twitter or something, probably trying to sustain his need for chaos. “Chat hold up!!” He says, like he got an epiphany. “What if… we just capture that aromantic flag looking ah girl?”
“...You mean white lily right? The PreCures’ friend?” eternal sugararrara says. “Yeah, whatever shes called.” shadow milk dismisses her. “Uh… salty salt can you go this time? The rest of us are kinda being shunned by the other villains for being stupid losers.” the beasts look at them, silently pleading. silent salt just flashes a reluctant thumbs up and starts up their old honda civic to drive back to crispia. “So… yall wanna watch a barbie movie?” burning spice suggested. The rest of the beasts cheer.

Back at Crispia, white lily is having a ✨leisurely walk✨. She’s probably listening to an average neurodivergent kid’s playlist until a BOOM CRASH sounded nearby. ‘Oh, it’s that time of the week.’ white lily thinks, as she gets whisked away by the BIG BAD MONSTER. ‘Well shit.’ As silent salt was about to make their leave to kidnap her, right on cue, the precure quartet run towards them. Somehow, despite having been less than a mile away, they ran worse than a kid on specialized drugs.

“Oh, no, my future wife!” All four of them yelled at the same time. Silent salt just flipped the middle finger at them. “O-O-Oh, that’s it mister!” pure vanilla growled angrily. “Silly vanilly, I get you’re angry but let’s not misgender the villain.” dark cacacao said. Pure vanilla tried to correct himself but he kinda sucks lol. “Sorry bad person. Teehee :3” The others just stepped forward. “Enough games and grammatical errors, let’s just fight this thing.” golden string cheese said, holding up her transformation device. The other three followed suit. Woahhhh transformation time!!! They strike a better pose than last time, but it still kinda sucked.

“And now in the name of the moon, I shall punish you! Oh wait, wrong series-” pure vanilla said, checking his notes. The cures went to attack, but the monster’s giant ass claws was a big obstacle. “Can’t have shit in precure, huh” pure vanilla said sarcastically. At this point they were really getting nowhere, so silent salt offered white lily a cup of tea in these trying times. Since they are giant losers, the precure all eventually get trapped in the monster’s other hand.

This time, pure vanilla ACTUALLY made an attempt to escape this time but it didn’t work. “Aw rats!” He slunk down and started to dramatically cry. “Oh shush.” The others reprimanded. White lily tried to get out from her side, but didn’t work. She sighed, knowing she had to do something. And perhaps some of pure vanilla’s sassiness rubbed off on her. “Hey emo guy… girl… or enby diva!” She yelled, getting silent pepper’s attention. “It’s SO not ‘SKIBIDI’ of you to capture my friends like that!” From the other side, hollyberry’s eyes twinkled. “S…She actually remembered Rizzberrian slang!! GO GET THEM GIRL!!” white liylyliylyyi was confused by the gesture but continued. “Uh… right. As you can see I obviously care so much about my friends. And you trying to take me away from them… that’s so NOT DEMURE. Because I choose my own path and i’m… GONNA BE A PRECURE!” She exclaimed, striking a pose as the monster’s grasp on her loosened. But before she could fall to her doom, she was saved by a green platform. “What the flower seed?” She wondered, but she knew what it was. The precure devices manifested before her and she grabbed them.

From the sidelines, silent salt facepalmed. They knew they had just let the rest of the beasts down, and along with it, their salary. They kind of just accepted their fate as white lily transformed. The first thing white lilylylyl did after she transformed was realize the platform disappeared. She didn’t let that deter her though, as she did some SICK acrobat moves. She also freed the other cures from the monster’s grasp, and they fell in a heap unceremoniously. White liliiii proceeded to purify the monster, and silent salt just peaced out. They all de-transformed and celebrated by jumping around like little kids. “Remember to drink water guys” WL says, holding up some precure merchandise (#notsponsored). Because of their lack of epic sigma source-of-hydration carriers, the other four collapsed on the grass.

The camera pans to the sky with the generic lens flare effect. After the credits we see the disguised beasts just laughing like maniacs in the school hallways while everyone else casually walks around and wonders about what the flip happens in this damn town.

Chapter Text

It starts out with the five meeting up with some of their classmates. “So… what are we doing here?” dark carcass asks. “I could have been playing adopt me you know.” There was an awkward pause after that.

“...Anyways,” one of the students said, “We have brought you guys here because you’re the only people in the school who have a decent character design.” The five were kind of confused. “So?” white lily asked, as a phone was shoved in her face. “What?! What is this?!” She asked. The student posed proudly with the phone. “It’s evidence—” they started to gloat, but realized the phone was playing boyfriend ASMR. They awkwardly changed the contents shown, and held the phone up to white lily’s face again. This time, it has a detailed analysis on why they were quote unquote supporting character material.

“We’re not even good enough for main character material?” golden cheesebird asked, flabbergasted by this atrocious statement against her ego. The five started to laugh extremely awkwardly, being reduced to “supporting character” material. The rest of the students started to crowd around them, asking if they knew who the cures were.

“Uhm… what is THAT?!” dark crackhead asked, pointing to a veiled part of the wall. Two of the students unveiled the wall, revealing — oh blue — a relationship chart. “Where’d they get such high resolution photos of us?” pure vanilla wondered. “Erm we’re gonna go bye sigmas” hollyberry said awkwardly, excusing them all out.

As the five slunk away from the room, pure vanilly was on the brink of crashing out. “Wow. Wow. Wow. We have a FANDOM NOW?!” white lilylyly takes a deep breath. “Let’s just… throw a red herring at them, ok?” The cures start to think about it, but their collective 2 brain cells didn’t help them much. “Uh…. uh…… uhm…” They said in unison. But they were coming up short. They just decided to ignore it for now, hoping it wouldnt backfire. But just in case, they threw a live red herring into the classroom.

We then cut to the disguised beasts cancelling people over twitter. They were giggling like crazy while typing stuff like “Why I think Cure Compassionate is problematic: A thread” and “Why Cure Immortal should be banned from social spaces”. Lowkey, these guys should probably get a life, since they earn an average of 69 cents per hour (because they got paycutted by dark enchantress).

Suddenly, refined flower got an idea, rubbing her hands mischeviously. “How about… we plan to split up the cures for good?!” That got the others intrigued, and they nodded excitedly. “Well.. I still gotta make the plan—” refined nervously explained. The other four frowned. “You suck.”

We then do a WHOOPIE DOO TIMESKIP! The cures were hanging around town, shopping or whatever it is that young adults do. And… shadow milkie was stalking them. He was in some sort of cardboard bush that was horribly designed and looked way too small to fit him. But tis the life of a stupid precure villain.

Meanwhile, the cures were sitting on a bench, watching the clouds or something. “Oh man, nature really is beautiful. Look at the sky, with all those fluffy clouds! And also the green grass!” pure vanilla smiled with twinkling eyes, gesturing to everything mentioned, then the ‘bush’. “Also that bush that clearly should be extinct by now, because no way something that hideous is alive.”

Shaodw milk were shocked by the pretty cure of “FRIENDSHIP” slandering his temporary home. Since he was FUMING with rage, he stormed off to find someone to turn into a monster. From the outsider’s perspective, he looked like a little waddling bush. “Nature truly is fascinating!” white lily remarks as the bush walks off. Still angry, shadow cure milky takes the power of multiple people’s lies or whatever and turns them into a monster that looked like a bush — wait, what?
“Blue damn it-- that was my house.” shadow milk facepalms. He sighs. “Whatever! Just find those precures so I can have my SOUL JAM BACK. 👿” (Guys we’re finally getting lore that will probably never be relevant again.) The area clears so it’s just the monster, shadow milk and the cures. Shadow milk smirks at the cures. “So, we’re finally meeting all of you at once.” The cures (other than pure vanilla) were confused. “erm who are you? And who are you talking to?” dark carpark asks. Shadow milk awkwardly looks towards the camera, then back at the cures. “No matter. Crush them, Jikochuu!”

“Wait, what’s a Jikochuu?!” white lilyyliyliy asks, but didn’t get an answer before the monster starts tryna destory the nearby area. “And wait, is that a bush?!”

The monster didn’t last long though, as hollyberry purified it. Shadow milk was lamenting about the loss of his house. “You will never be forgotten. F in the chat.”

The cures felt kind of bad, so they helped shadow milk bury its ‘ashes’ where it used to stand. They were about to hug when they realized that they were literally enemies. Shadow milk sticks his tounge out at them and disappears.

“Well that was weird.” golden cheez it said. A bunch of cameramen rush towards them again. Exasperated, dark calender grabbed one of the mics. “Guys… we ‘love’ our fanbase but dont ship us plz. Also we uh…100% DO NOT go to crispia college. Bye. Also like and subscribe!!!!!”

The cameramen seemed intimidated so they just left. “Anyone wants to ride the go carts in the mall?” hollyberry offered. Everyone else nodded, and they held hands and skipped away. Another victory for the precures and another cringe writing experience for me.

Chapter Text

The episode starts with pure vanilla walking into his room, and… damn. Everything is like ruined. Custard III walks into his room after a bit. “Oh shit who did that lol totally not me.” Ignoring the fact Custard earned how to swear, pure vanilla starts searching for clues. That Precure leader curse seems to have done quite a number on him, because he somehow comes to the conclusion that his friends broke into his house and decided to practice their precure skills on his bed or something.

Meanwhile, in dark capital’s house, he’s playing minecraft with the girlies (his bros) when he notices his most PRIZED weapon has been missing for his inventory. His limited edition - event exclusive - once in 2763 years obtained - Grape Chocoblade™?! (not to be confused with his precure weapon). Didn’t he give the password to… GASP! HIS FRIENDS?! THEY MUST HAVE LOGGED IN AND DUMPED IT SOMEWHERE JUST FOR FUN??? “This is a crime against all things sparkly >:(“ he thinks ANGRILY. Angry thoughts.

Then we cut to golden cheesecake like… styling on her clothes in her giant walk in closet, cuz she’s… RICH. She then notices her BELOVED giant bacon… GONE! Disappeared among the sea of butterflies! Last time she saw it was when her friends came over… does that mean one of them decided to STEAL from her?? Gasp!!!

In hollyberry;s palace, she realizes, all her juice has vanished into the abyss! Last time her friends came over, there was at least 42 bottles of it! Did a black hole decide to invade her palace? Did pure vanilla try to make another cursed ice cream experiment with it? Did eternal sugar steal some on her way out??

In their respective homes, each one of the 5 is standing there looking angry or some shit. They say some angry one liner. “GRRRRR, they’re gonna pay for—”

“...Destroying my FUCKING window!”
“...TRASHING AWAY MY CHOCOBLADE!!!”
“...stealing my beloved treasure!”
“...taking all my JUICE!!!”
“For… im not even angry wtf”

They meet up in class next day, and the former four are visibly angry and about to throw hands. “GUYS-! Why are you guys so mad all of a sudden?!” white lily asks, extremely conerned.

The other fours’ voices overlap loudly causing white lily to flinch. “SIGMAS- PAUSE! GUYS, WHAT’S GOING ON CAN SOMEONE TELL ME— oh they all just left.” WL had a ‘☹’ expression on her face, as she went off to sulk somewhere else. She went to hang out by a corner literally looking like “🥺”. Crystallized salt walks up to her, totally trying to spread GOOD POSITIVE VIBES. “Uh hey girl—” they say, but before they could continue, white lily starts to bawl loudly.

“...ARE U LIKE OK?? Actually i shouldnt really care :\” crystallized salt awkwardly stands nearby as white lily laments the loss of her polycule.

Meanwhile, pure vanilla is angrly walking away from the direction of the others. He’s doing some stereotypical angry mumbles and stomping his foot for dramatic effect. Then he immediately gets tackled by blueberry milk.

“So… how’s your… HEH… friends, silly vanilly?????” he says cutely as he pins pure vanilla to the ground 🥰. PV was lowkey half intimidated and half turned on. “Uh… we’re okay, I guess. One of them broke into my house though.”

”Oh… I wonder who did it…!” blueberry milk wonders as he knows 100% that it was him. “You know…. I did see them sneaking into your house a few days ago…!” He holds up an empty polaroid photo with an actually decent depiction of of the other 4 breaking into his house. They then stood back up and pure vanilla awkwardly regained his composure.

Nearby, dark cactus is confronted by refined flour. “Uh… what is it flour power?” dark cache asks, not having anyone’s shit right now. Refined flour simply hands him a letter, and skedaddles away.

“That was weird. Anyways…” dark calculator opens the letter. It seems to be a letter written in pure vanilla;s handwriting. “Uh… so yeah I stole ur chocoblade thingy. It was extremely ugly too. Bleh. You should kys loser!! Anyways, I love you! Mwah! - from silly vanilly”.
Dark capcut looked at the letter 2.763 times over. “What the cacao bean?? This actually seems like something he would say though…”

The screen cuts to golden cheese steak hanging out by the gym, missing her mark of lesbanism. “WASSUP BIRDIE?” incandescent spice says, as he fumbles to kick the door down in a cool way. “Don’t call me that, you… uh…” golden chez wonders what the hell incandescent is supposed to be. “Anyways, what are YOU doing here?”

Incandescent spice then tries to do a cool hairflip but just looked pathetic. “I’m… here to HELP.” He says, handing her a video tape, then just saunters away. “Wait, you could have just texted me something!” golden cheese yells after him. Incandescent spice just pretends not to hear her, most likely because they could only afford one phone among all five of the beasts.

Golden mac & cheese looks over the VHS tape, which was blue and filled with eye designs. Completely not suspicious at all. She somehows find a VHS player somewhere and plugs in the VHS tape. The TV screen buzzes to life, as everything starts to piece itself together!

The video revealed… the beasts doing a rickroll performance. “Nope. Not having this.” golden grilled cheese declares, taking the VHS tape out.

Then we cut to see sparkling sugar walking up to hollyberry, who is just tryna mind her own business. “Yeah.. I’m here to hand you something.” sparkling sugar says, rummaging in her bag, which was mostly filled with empty candy wrappers. She then pulls out a package, seemingly the size of 1.2763 small cake hounds. “Yeah…. Here ya go. Bye now!!” She says, putting the package at hollyberry’s feet and spinning off like a beyblade.

After a few seconds, hollyberry decided to open the box. Inside was an empty glass of her stolen juice, and a piece of paper. It read ‘Totally not fabricated DNA scan results from Shadow Milk’s DNA Lab.’ Under the text was a horribly written pie chart with 4 colors, yellow, purple, orange and green. You could probably deduce what that means.

“What the baking??” hollyberry asks herself, as the screen cuts to crystallized salt and white lily again. “Uh… right what was I supposed to do again?” crystallized salt asks themselves. Right! They pulled out the only phone the beasts had and opened reddit. There was a post exposing white lily for being ✨problematic✨, written by user “not_shadow_milk_cookie_frfr”, whatever that was supposed to mean.

The contents of the page were… let’s say… detailed. Apparently, she terrorized the country, ate pineapple on pizza, killed 3000 people, and was TERRIBLE at getting bitches. “she puts the L in LGBTQ?!?” white lily quotes from the post. “Oh, THAT’S IT!!!” She runs off, leaving crystallized salt standing there alone. “Wait— the phone!” They realize, as white lily skedaddles out of the hall still holding the phone.

We then skip time to all 5 of the cures fuming, except for golden cheese omelete. They all hold out their pieces of evidence. “Wow, you guys broke into my house?” pure vanilla asks. “And you did it so well that this photo is smudged—” He swipes the photo, revealing it to be made from paint... Because it was fake, in case u didn't pick up on that.

“Well, MY POOKIE WOOKIE PURE VANILLA…” dark career says, deepening his voice to sound intimidating, even though that made him sound pathetic. “Why did you take my PRIZED LIMITED EASTER EDITION VERSION 2763 MAX PRO ULTRA GRAPE JAM CHOCOBLADE from my minecraft collection?” he asks, kind of desperately.

“What? That sounds like some type of knockoff Iphone name.” pure vanilla answers, confused. Golden cheese factory was holding the tape kind of nervously. “I have no idea what’s going on. Why the fermented milk did I recieve a VHS tape of the villains dancing? And if anyone’s curious, they were terrible at it.” She says, cringing as pure vanilla reaches to grab the tape.

“No clue, but I got a DNA result from some bottle with all your fingerprints on it.” hollyberry says. “Why did you ALL grab it though? Y’all wanted to taste each other so bad or something?” She was interrupted by white lily shoving the beasts’ phone in their faces. “You guys canceled me? I’m not even problematic! I didn’t commit mass murder… or at least I don’t THINK so…!” She was met with stunned faces. “I’m… sorry, what?” dark cacacaca asks.

“Okay, for CLARIFICATION, did anyone actually do those things?” bronze medal cheese sighs, exasperated. “Uh… no?” The other four answer. “Okay, there we have it! We were framed or something! Guys, let’s all frolic in the fields together!” golden cheese says, linking all their arms together.

“Wait, then how did it happen?” white lily asks as the five skipped to the schoolyard. “Uh… I dont know but it wasnt us” hollyberry says simply. Just as they were about to frolic somewhere else, someone coughed to get their attention.

“Ahem. AHEM!!!” eternal sugar says, stepping out of a bush (I guess bushes are the beasts’ specialty). “It’s that time of the week again!” She cheers. The cures unlink arms. “Aw man!” They said in unison.

“Hey, maybe violence shouldn’t be the answer…!” whiteblily says to forever diabetes. “Actually, lily, violence is the question! And the answer is yes!” pure vanila says proudly. Eternal sugar rolls her eyes. “Wow, thanks, femboy, for backing me up. Anyways, can we fight now? I need that money to buy more yuri manga.” She says, gathering the NEGATIVE EMOTIONS of people nearby to summon a monster. The cures nod, and hold up their transformation devices. “We won’t let you take away people’s Kirakira!” They declare as they transform. “Uh...What’s Kirakira?” eternal sugar asks, checking her nails. She didn’t get a response back, as she gets flashbanged. “Together, we are Yes PreCure 5!” the cures declare.

“Wrong season, guys.” eternal crosses her arms. “Yeah, anyways, get them, Kowaina.” “Doesn’t that imply it’s the right season?” dark chatgpt asks, confused. Eternal sugar just ignored them. Dark cocoa then gives the monster a simple thwack with his sword and it disintegrated. “Was that monster made out of sugar or something?”

“Yes, actually! I saved up all my candy to make it!” eternal sugar cried, stomping her foot for emphasis. “This isn’t very pretty OR cure!!!” She yells as she disappears. The cures de-transformed, and looked towards each other.

“...Wanna frolic somewhere else?” pure vanilla asks. “Yeah!” The others reply joyously.

————-

Episode 8 Preview
(Yes I actually write one for every episode but I’m only gonna post it if it’s actually relevant to the story)

PV: Next time on…!

WL: We might actually be in trouble this time…

DC: Nah, we’d win.

HB: What are we even up against? The beasts suck at being villains.

GC: uh… check this out. (GC shows the others a twitter post of the Beasts wearing 3D glasses and eating popcorn in a movie theatre somewhere.)

PV: Uh… are they watching a Barbie movie?

WL: Look at the caption! It says… “feeling pretty today, might kill our enemies.”

HB: well, it was nice knowing you four.

DC: Stay tuned. Please pray for us.

Chapter Text

The episode starts with pure vanila putting Custard III in the timeout corner. “Even though you werent the one who broke my window…You still messed up my room!” Custard III was staring at him like “ts pmo sybau”.

“Now sit and stay still for 2763 seconds.” pure vanilla says, already leaving the room. He was gonna go shopping with his girlfriends! Dark cacao was too busy grinding dress to impress to go with them, but if he could he would. Pure vanilla left his house and jogged to the mall, while the sun was shining in that sort of “generic anime intro” way.

He made it and saw the girlies hanging out waiting for him. “Hey guys!!” PV says, holding up a stack of thin papers. “As a two-month anniversary gift for being Precures with me… I made you all portraits! I was gonna give dark accacao his, but he’s not here.” He complains, shoving the drawings at the girls. They each took their respective drawings, and immediately grimaced.

White lily awkwardly coughs. “It… is… fantastic!” She says, trying not to disappoint PV. “Is that hyperpigmentation.” golden cheese asks, kind of taken aback, while hollyberry is laughing out loud in the background. “Uh… why’s hollyberry laughing?” pure vanilla asks, on the verge of tears. “It’s how you say it’s good in French!” golden cheese says, trying to cover up for her.

White lily sighs. “This is… a national treasure. Keep it up.” That made pure vanilla immediately light up again. “Wait, golden cheese and hollyberry, did you guys ever get your stuff back?” white lily asks, turning to the aformentioned. “Right… turns out i just dropped my long bacon in my big closet… guess that’s a consequence of having too much aura!” golden cheese says, smiling in a silly way. “..And turns out the bottle that got DNA scanned was actually from 3 weeks ago. My servants just put my juice collection in a seperate pantry! Sigma!” hollyberry says, delighted.

“Now, who wants to go SHOPPING?” pure vanilla says. The girls just pause for a second before awkwardly nodding.

Meanwhile in the Pillow Fort of Loserness, the beasts are watching the Titanic together and crying. Shadow milk was hugging his plushie of Cure Compassionate, mystic flour was meditating, burning spice was crying profusely while breaking pencils while trying to write evil plans, eternal sugar was stuffing her face with candy, and silent salt was solemnly mourning their paychecks.

“This is almost as sad as our assasination attempts!” shadow milk said, snuggling the plushie. “Not as sad as your flirtation attempts for that… gay femboy.” mystic flour says, glancing towards his side of the fort, which was filled with figurines, pins and plushies of pure vanilla and Cure Compassionate. Shadow milk responds by blowing raspberries towards the others. “You just don’t get my obvious queer ways!” He strikes a dramatic pose and pretends to faint.

“OH MY BAKING BLUE GUYS.” burning spice says, throwing away his 69th broken pencil and holding up a sheet of yellowed paper. He slaps it onto a wobbly table, slapping the rest of eternal’s bowls of candy away. The drawing was of the beasts holding hands, along with some angry scribbles that basically serve no purpose. “What is that?” eternal sugar asks, kind of amused. “It’s always just one of us doing the summoning, right? Why don’t we ALL commit terrors together?!” burning spice says, walking around proudly, as mystic flour hangs his drawing on their crappy fridge. “I mean, I’ve considered it, but—” She starts, until burning spice shoves her out of frame. “Yeah, no need to thank me. I’m just trying to save us from being paycutted. AGAIN.” They immeditely get a ping from their NEW phone (since white liy stole their old one), and… they got paycutted again. Now their hourly salary is… $0.42 cents. “What.” Mystic Flour says, astounded.

Shadow Milk, Burning Spice, and Eternal Sugar started to scream loudly, seemingly getting ready to give up and die broke. “I CAN’T DIE BROKE! What will my tombstone say?!” Eternal sugar says, starting to pace around slowly. “Here lies eternal sugar, lover of all yuri and candy, dead with nothing but 42 cents. Will our enemies even show up to our funeral and pray for our return??”

“If those beasts died, i would probably shoot at their graves.” pure vanilla says out of nowhere, as the camera cuts back to the 4 cures. PV was completely decked out in gothic accessories, while the others were slightly changed. “Hey, I wonder how my husband dark cacacr’s doing. I feel bad that he lost his 2763 day old son the grape chocoblade.” pure vanilla says.
“...What about your literal WINDOW?” golden cheese asks. We then get a flashback to pure vanilla covering up the broken window with wooden planks, a wad of tissues, and the photo blueberry milk gave to him. “Oh, it’s perfectly sealed,” pure vanilla says, now back to the present. “Well should we check up on dark cacao?” white lily asks.

“Nah, he’d win.” hollyberry says, confident in dark cacao’s W aura. “But maybe we should still check up on him.”

There’s a timeskip as the cures run to up to dark acacia wood’s house. They start banging on his door, shouting “PLEASEPLEASPLEAPLSEAPLEPSLEL!!!!” After a short while, dark cacao opens the door with a bang. “Is there something wrong?” He starts, then took in their ‘looks.’ “Oh my blue, it IS an emergency! Come in right now!” He says, cringing at their wannabe emo looks.

As the four skedaddle into dark aaa battery’s room, they make sure to ask if he’s okay, because they are decent human… cookie beings. “So… did you get your chocoblade back?” pure vanilla asks. DC awkwardly turns around, embarassed. “Erm turns out i dropped it in my dirt house. I guess I yearned for the mines too much.” He says, turning towards them again. “But what happened to you guys? You look emo, and not even like… a good emo. You look pretentious.”

The others blinked awkwardly, then shook the acessories off. “We should have a PreCure base or something.” golden cheese says, changing the subject. “Maybe we could borrow your room, dark coffee?” dark cacaca immediately waves his arms around. “CACAO BEANS NO YOU’RE NOT TAKING AWAY MY SO PINK SO PRETTY ROOM! WHY DONT WE JUST USE YOUR HOUSE THEN?” He didn’t recieve an answer, as the floor suddenly rumbled.

“Wait, what day is it….” hollyberry asked, a little on edge. “It’s… OH JEEPERS… PREURE SUNDAY?!” white lily exclaimed, checking her Ben 10 watch. “Oh, blue, is it those guys again? Or was that just the sound of your mom sitting down?” pure vanilla said, looking out the window. “Uh… I think it was the Beasts.” dark cacaco said. They didn’t have much time to react, because pure vanilla randomly caught on fire from a fireball which flew int through the window. “Guys, we have to go!” white lly said, ignoring pure vanilla’s anguished screams.

The five scampered into the open area where the monster was ravaging. All five of the beasts were playing Uno nearby on a bench, seemingly more depressed after their pay cut. “You guys!” dark cacao exclaimed.

“Why are you guys gambling with Uno cards?” golden cheese asked, confused. “Are we just going to ignore the fact that PV IS ON FIRE???” hollyberry exclaimed, pointing towards PV, who was still screaming in agony. In response, white lily just grabbed the glass of water eternal sugar was drinking and dumped it onto pure vanilla. He miraculously stopped burning with that meagar glass of water. “Okay, guys, it’s transformation time! Win-Win-Wink!” He says, (winking towards the camera at the last part).

The beasts didn’t really care, as they kept playing their uno game. After the flashbang, it revealed that the light burnt all their cards. “Oh… THAT’S IT!!!” shadow milk growled, angrily. He flipped over the picic table the beasts sat at and they all got into a pose that could rival the loserness of the precures’. They each held out a hand, and spoke in unison. “Okay, go get them, zetsuborg — i mean desertrian — actually no, i meant makkuranda — or akanbe!” Well, seems like no one knows what they’re actually called.

“Do… you guys have an actual name for them?” dark cacacao asked, unimpressed. The beasts looked at each other and shrugged. “Anyways… Just go get them.” They immediately flipped over the table again and sat back down, before realizing that, yeah, their cards were burnt down.

“pshhhh—” pure vanailla said, casually waving. “This will be as easy as cookie ca-” He didn't get to finish before the monster spat more fire towards him. “WOAHHHH!" he says, barely dodging all of them. “Ha, loser—” He started, until he got hit by a giant fireball and got knocked out.

That left the other four cures, who were standing there, watching awkwardly. “Wait, that actually worked?” mystic flour asked, watching from the sidelines, bemused. “AUGWUHDJAKHDGDJAQ!” The other 4 cures screamed, scrambling away to dodge the giant fireballs. It was quite amusing to watch, as they were literally just running in a small circle around the unconscious pure vanilla.

“Are… they trying to summon a demon or something?” burning spice asked, watching them with a confused expression. “Yeah, I heard this was a new TikTok trend, yeah!” eternal sugar replied, holding up the phone. It was that video of Fire Spirit Cookie eating hot sauce. (As that was the latest video when this episode was written.)

“Wow, are they trying to summon bottles of hot sauce?” shadow milk asked, as the cures were still running around. Suddenly, dark cacao stopped. “Wait, is that hotsauce—” He asked, as the other cures fell into him like a stack of dominoes. SHALALKAKAKKAKA the cures got restrained by a fire cage, while still in a heap. “Wait, it actually worked?!” eteral sugar asked, as the beasts got up from the bench to gloat at the cures. “HAHAHHAHHA LOSERS” shadow milk and burning laughed, snapping pics of the cures, who looked extremely unamused.

“Well this is fantastic.” golden cheese said, sarcastically. “I mean for us it is, not sure about you guys lmao” shadow milk replies, flicking his wrist in a diva way, then facing the camera. “Anyways, this episode is supposed to be a cliffhanger, so… bye guys. LIKE AND SUBSCRIBE FOR SOME BEAST BISCUITS FROM SHADOW MILK COOKIE’S CHILD LABOR FACTORY!!!” The screen then fades to black, with the screaming of the cures audible in the distance.

Chapter Text

We flash back to last episode here we see slo-mos of the cures fucking die accompanied by “Whatcha Say” playing in the background. “Okay, stop rubbing it in.” dark acacaccao says, annoyed, as the beasts already replayed that 420 times on a big screen TV already. Just out of spite, they played it again.

“Where’d you guys afford the TV?” hollyberry asked. It looked ready to fail any moment and had some cobwebs on the frame. We then get a flashback to the beasts stealing from a minimum-wage worker’s apartment. “We… bought it. With our own hard-earned money.” eternal sugar says, lying through her teeth. The cures blinked awkwardly.

“Can I write my will real quick?” pure vanilla asked, holding up a quill and some paper. “Wait— how was the Barbie movie you guys watched?” white lily asked, holding up the stolen phone. “Well we—” Eternal sugar started, but spotted the phone. “—where’d you get that phone?”

“Oh… well I stole this from a classmate.” she responds, glancing at the phone. “Can you guys invite us to the next movie watch party though?”

“What. WHAT. I mean if u want to—” shadow milk starts, but is interrupted by burping lice. “CAN WE JUST KILL THEM ALREADY GUYS??? THEY BURNT OUR UNO CARDS ANYWAYS!” He gestures to the table, wahich was Uno-card-less. “Oh, right.” The other beasts realized. They got prepared to fight again, but they were stopped.

Pure vanilla stood back up from his fall - well, took him long enough. “You know what my oomfs told me?” He said towards the beasts. “Uh… no actually what’d they say” The beasts were somewhat intrigued by his sudden profound words. “They told me that ‘fr, ts fight pmo sybau’.” He said, confidently, putting on some sick shades. The beasts were searching up the acronyms in Urban Dictionary. “Uhm… what?” shadow milk asked, confused.

Pure vanilla slowly raised his shades. “Erm… are u serious rn??” He looked at the beasts incredulously. “Okay, that’s it! You’re going down!” He said, pointing a finger at them. “Girl, what the baking?” shadow milk said sassily. “First. I am a boy. Second… I’M TRYING TO USE THE POWER OF FRIENDSHIP AGAINST YOU!” pure vanilla screamed obnoxiously, surprised that no magical power up item was being summoned.

From the cage, his friends were cheering him on. “You are kind of annoyingly generic sometimes, but YOU’RE MY POOKIE GO FOR IT!” dark acacaco cheered… a bit demandingly.

“I LOVE U BABYGIRL WIN THIS FOR US! Mostly me, but win for us all too!” golden cheese said, (trying to) pump her fist in the air.

“You’re the most cheerful and also terrifyingly hot person I’ve known in my life! It’s time to slay the house down!” hollyberry cheers, flashing a thumbs up.

And last but not least, whit lily prepared a motivational mantra as well. “Uh… You got this bestie! Beat the shit out of it!”

Pure vanilla looked more confident, smiling at their… “words of encouragement”. The monster went to fire another shot at him, but WHUH??? The pale yellow light was back again, but it was… DIFFERENT???

“WHAT THE WHAT??? THIS WASN’T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN!!!” shaodw milk exclaims, frantically checking his notes, (with the same notepad vanilla used in episode 5 lol) as pure vanilly recieves his ✨magical yes yes upgrade. “Woah, is this a gun??” He asks. (It was not. It was basically a magical light bottle if anyone’s curious.)

“That’s great, but when can we get out?” golden cheese asks from the cage, waving her miracle light that she somehow got as pure vanilla does his cutesy lil upgraded attack. As on cue, the cage cutely breaks after the monster gets purified. The beasts just watched with shocked expressions, before putting on sunglasses to block their eyes from the flashbang. The monster turned into a pile of ash and everything was back to normal. Hooray for our tax dollars!

Pure vanilla descended from the sky looking epicly awesome. Well, we guess. Nobody could really tell because he was basically a walking flashbang, even more than before. “WH- I- UH- AKBGHUJBGHJNB” shadow milk was clearly glitching at this point.

“Uh… let’s go wifey he clearly doesnt deserve you” burning spice said, patting shadow milk’s back, who was holding back tears carrying his PV themed ita bag. The beasts disappeared in the blink of an eye, leaving the cures in some random ah empty field.

“Who wants to go CELEBRATE???” pure vanilla said, facing the others again. “AUGHHHH!!!” They screamed, getting flashbanged by his preppiness. “...Can you detransform please?” They asked. He did as told, and they went to hug him. “YIPPEE!!!” They cheer.

We then skip time again, cutting to the beasts singing karaoke. They weren’t actually half bad at singing, but the karaoke machine they had wasn’t very good. “My turn!” burning spice said, skipping over to the machine and picking a song (it was totally Unison of Smiles, lmao). Just as the music was about to start, he got an idea. “OHMYGOSHOHMYGOSHOHMYGOSHOHMYGOSH I GOT THE BEST IDEA EVER! I’m gonna save our paycheck for real!” He said, as they got a notification for another pay cut. Now their hourly salary is down to $0.2763.

“You want us to unionize?” eternal sugar asked, cradling a pillow. “No, no no… I was thinking we psychologically damage those damn precures!” burning spice said, proudly holding up his axe thingy.

“We already tried that before, and they were literally too stupid to even get the cue.” mystic flour said, getting flashbacks to the prior event. In the corner, silent salt nodded, agreeing with her.

“Nah nah nah nah- That’s different.” burning spice says, waving his axe around. “We attack them where it hurts most!”

“Neck, throat, chest or abdomen. A few precise jabs and maybe you can get them in the ER.” mystic responds casually. For a few seconds, the only sound that was audible was the buzzing of the Karaoke machine. “Not what I meant. I mean we hit their insecurities. I’m pretty sure we’d get fired for actually killing people.” burning spice said, wondering if mystic flour could be categorized as a national threat. The other beasts pondered about this for 6.9 seconds, before nodding.

“Okay, I got a SUPER DUPER cool plan, yeah!” eternal sugar said, recieving a random adrenaline boost, scratching scribbles onto some paper sitting on the table, before knocking herself back to sleep on the couch. The others look at her notes, beaming. The screen fades to black, and when it unfades, we see the disguised beasts gossiping about the cures (like they always do, what losers.), and discussing their plan. TO BE CONTINUED.

Chapter Text

It starts with golden cheese walking to school, looking as diva-like as ever. She waves to some NPCs like the diva she is, until stopping in front of the locker rooms, waiting for the others. In a bit, the other 4 run up, exasperated even though they only had to run 42 feet. “PSHEHEHHEEHHMEND eugh…” pure vanilla said, choking on nothing, then pretending to faint dramaticallly.

“Uhm… are you ok, vanilla boy?” golden cheese asked. “The opps caught him lacking.” white lily explained.

“Oh. Well that’s too bad, he could have been my next wife. But whatever.” golden cheese said, already writing her eulogy to read at pure vanilla’s funeral. “Are you guys gonna cheer me on for the UHHHH… soccer game?” golden cheese asked, holding out her palm expecting to be showered with gifts.

“I mean, it’s the least we could do—” hollyberry started, but GC screamed. “WHERE’S YOUR MONTHLY FRIENDSHIP FEE? I EXPECT EXTRA THIS TIME BTW.” The others awkwardly smiled before turning around and rummaging in their bags. They slowly turned around, holding their peace offerings.

“This… where’d you get this… amazing collection from? This could be worth a lot!” golden cheese said, eyes twinkling over the gifts the others brought... Which consisted of a box of tissues, a paperclip, a paper cup, and… a makeshift bomb! She gladly accepts the ‘valuable gifts’, and walks into the locker room.

“Hope she does well. I heard this is her character development episode!” hollyberry says, after golden cheese closes the door.

“Man, I haven’t had a bad day in 2763 weeks!” golden cheese says with joy, in the locker room. She was then shot 57 times. Nah, she wasn’t. But there WAS an bomb in her locker!! “Oh what the fermented milk?” she said, shocked. She dodged the debris from the bomb’s explosion, then seeing that the area was charred and the ceiling was about to collapse. “Who even got into my locker? The password was hard to guess. Who would have guessed 2763?” She paused. “Whatever. I can go already.” She said nonchalantly.

We then cut to incandescent doing dumb shi. Jk he’s doodling in a little red notebook with the words “BURNING INCANDESCECCECET SPICE’S EVIL PLANS DONT LOOK”. He’s scribbling with a black sharpie, and drew a… decent depiction of golden cheesebird. (Imagine that dumb puppet that shadow milk made.) “IDEA!!!” He said, eyes glowing. “What’s more easier to get my powers back than sabatoge? Or I could make some pancakes and tea and talk it out— Who am I kidding lol?” He throws the book aside. “ITS SABATOGE TIME!” He grins evilly, rubbing his hands together generically.

We then skip time AGAIN!!! Pure vanilla and gang are like in the bleachers. and some of my fancures are there too woah. Each of the cures is holding up a giant bundle of stadium snacks, and wearing golden cheese’s precure merch, even though this is literally just a college tournamentship. Uhm… so i guess like golden cheese is like doing cool shit or something. She’s pretty good at this soccer shit. (unlike me lol.) And the cures are cheering her on while inhaling lethal amounts of sweets. And uh… through an unfortunate series of events, she trips… for some reason. Because incandescent spice convieniently threw his damn sketchbook in the field.

“What the fermented milk?” She says, looking at the book. “...This is a horrifically attractive drawing of me, but still, what—” She didn’t have much time to comphrened before incandescent ‘accidentally’ threw the soccer ball at her head. Don’t ask how he’s not penalized, this is the precure universe!

“What the-?!” golden cheese said, as he cutely snatches the book back. “Oh lookie lookie where’s my cookie?! Oh shoot, wrong line.” incandescent said, taunting golden cheese. “Ok how do i traumatize someone… uh, look. Our team is losing because of you.” He pointed to the rest of their team, which were failing miserably.

“Uh… I think they’re just kind of untrained.” golden cheese says, trying to stand up. “NUHUHUHUHUH, BIRDIE!” incandescent spice says, shushing golden cheese dramatically and booping her head. “It’s. ALL. YOUR. FAULT. THIS IS WHY YOUR OLD HOMETOWN IS IN SHAMBLES! (Or whatever the Golden Cheese Kingdom is in this universe)” He says, making a “:3” face.

“How… do you know about that?!” golden cheese asked, kind of scared. incandescent was already skipping off and humming that tune from XFOHV. Golden cheese was just left kneeling on the grass, severely mentally damaged, and also getting cut by some random rocks on the ground.

“...SHE’S ON THE GROUND! SOMEONE GET A MEDIC!” white lily said, from the sidelines, carrying pure vanilla over her head. “Wait, I’m not a—” he started. “Oh, wait I technically am. Continue.”

From the field, GC stands up and sit on the side benches, somewhat depressed. “In all seriousness, is she like… okay?!” hollyberry asked, looking concerned.

“Nah, she’d win. That’s what she told me yesterday!” dark acaco said, in reassurance. “If you say so…” hollyberry replied, not convinced, as white lily swings pure vanilla wildly in the background.

One timeskip later, golen cheese heads out of the locker room with a “return to milk or whatever” stare. “Girly we’re so proud of you!!!” pure vanilla says, going in for a hug. Golden cheese didn’t have a reaction. “Ok.” she says, before stomping off. “Wh-WHUH?!” pure vanilla replies, heartbroken. “Maybe she needs space, yknow? Maybe she’s doing alpha stuff.” hollyberry says, giving her the benefit of the doubt.

A few meters away, incandecsenenent is walking out of the lockers proudly. “Wait a minute!” pure vanilla says, neurons connecting, looking towards him. “Isn’t that the sunburnt guy who talked to her earlier?” The other four nodded. “GO GIRL SLAY!!!!!! SAVE OUR FRIENDSHIP YEAHH!!!” They chant. “Thank you?” pure vanilla says, confused by their hyperactivity. By the time they finished their chant, incandescent spice was far off. “Well, guess I’m off! Maybe you guys can catch up with cheesebird?” vanilla says, running towards incandescent’s direction. The others watched him skedaddle off, and shrug.

Pure Vanilla was practically running a marathon to try to catch up with incandescent spice. From an ousider’s perspective though, he was skedaddling, but covering about 1.2763 feet per second.

“UGH—AUGH-—EUGHHHHH—” He groaned. Incandescent paused his walking to turn back and stare at him. “pfft— are you ok lil bro?” He laughed. “UGH- I GOTTA… ASK YOU SOMETHING! [cough!]” pure vanilla sputtered. “You know that golden cheese girl? Absolute diva, you can’t miss her.” Hearing this, incandescent spice blinked, pretending not to know what he was yapping about. “I have NO clue who that is.”

From nearby, silent salt is pondering nearby, taking negative energy because its lowkey that time of the week. ZIP ZAP ZOP! WOAH IT’S A BIG BAD MONSTER! “Welp, that’s my cue to leave! BYE BYE RANDOM GUY!” incandescent spice says, running away. “Wait, I didn’t get any answers…” pure vanilla started, but the monster was looming RIGHT ABOVE him. “WEH?!” he exclaims, as the monster tore up a bench and used it to make a lil cage. “What’s with you guys and CAGES?!” He said, angrily gripping the bars and staring at silent salt, who was looming nearby and doing a silly dance for emphasis. “SUP LOSER???” burning spice shouts loudly, appearing from nowhere, and taunting pure vanilla from above his cage. “WHERE DID YOU COME FROM?!” he asked.

Before burning spice could respond, the other 3 came running… and look! Drk acccaca had hoisted golden cheese above his head, who looked pretty annoyed. He put her down and they all sighed and transformed, as they were pretty used to this. “SOME HELP GUYS??” pure vanilla asked, practically screaming. “Nah, I’d win.” golden cheese said, reaching her hand out for a cinematic shot. WHAPOW! The magical light bottle weapon came out. “YEAH YOU GOT THIS GIRL!” The other four screamed, as the other 3 cures make a distraction for her.

Golden cheese winked towards the screen. “I promise to never doubt your words again, cacaccacao!” She says, throwing white lily’s makeshift bomb to stun the big baddie monster as she prepares her attack. (I lowkey forgot that she had that and just wrote this in.)

Silent salt and burning spice were just clapping because, yes, she ATE. After the purification, the beasts step back. “Okay, see ya next time for your weekly bludgeoning!” burning spice says cheerfully as the beasts disappear. “So are you ok?” pure vanilla asks, as he escapes the cage.

“Never better! Nothing like some good old mental trauma to make you feel better!” golfen cheese says, smiling. The screen fades to black.

It unfades, and they’re back at the game. Golden cheese is slaying the house down, and winks at the other cures, and my fancures are also visible, cheering… even though they literally know no one here and dont live in this city. Golden cheese wins for the team, and the cures go to hug her. Then the episode ends woahhh! Can you tell I can’t write sports matches??

Chapter Text

We start with refined flour chilling in a classroom, looking at the “BURNING INCANDESCENT SPICE’S EVIL PLANS DONT LOOK” notebook, which was slightly charred and battered. She flips the pages, looking at his flattering artwork (which was mostly made with pressured scribbles). “Hmmm… maybe he does have a point. Maybe some PSYCHOLOGICAL TRAUMA is needed.” She flips the page again, scribbling some notes down. She wrote ‘Good drawings, keep it up.’ on a sticky note, along with a portrait of the beasts wearing 3D glasses (which was pretty well done). “I got it. I’ll make sure that coffee bean biscuit RETURNS. TO. FLOUR.” She says, with her signature ‘I will kill you’ stare, closing the book gently and walking out of the classroom, holding the book.

Meanwhile, dark Caaaak is texting the cures in a group chat called “The Pretty(Gay) Cures”. The conversations were mostly uninteresting, mostly about how much they slay or homework answers. “I heard we’re getting character development time. I wonder who’s next? :D” He texted, smiling, unbeknownst to the ominous refined flour in the background. “Hello again, cookie of low resolution.” she says, looming over dark cacao, who almost drops his phone due to the shock, also becoming a 360p image.

“I'm just here to say… You’re on fire.” refined flour said.

“Thank you?” ark acacaca says, thinking she must be referring to his perfect attendance recently.

“how the baking did you think that was what I was saying. No, you’re literally on fire. Stop, drop and roll, buddy.” She said, pointing to his phone, which somehow combusted. “What the rizz?” The low-resolution dark ccacao asks himself. “Don’t worry chat, I got this.” refined flour said, pulling out a bag of flour and dumping it over him.

By the time the flour fog faded, dark cacacao looked like a HoyoVerse character. He was back to regular resolution though. “By the way, we sent a bomb to your house as well. See ya.” refined flour said, walking off and dropping the empty bag of flour. On the bag were the words “Shadow Milk Cookie’s Child Labor Factory©”.

“What the cacao beans?!” dark cacap exclaims, looking at the remnants of flour on the ground. It was blue and smelled like rotten milk. “BZZ BEEP BOP!” The PA suddenly announced. There was some sounds of making out in the background as refined flour spoke into the PA. “I’d like to announce a new mandate in this school, because I am TOTALLY allowed to do that as student body president. Any SPECK of Shadow Milk Cookie’s Child Labor Factory© branded flour found in this school will. Be. DECIMATED.” The PA clicks off again, as DC stands there at the scene of the crime.

“Oh my blue. That ABSOLUTE CRACKER BISCUIT! REFINED FLOUR?!” He exclaims into the void (which was a school hallway), and runs off to the bathroom. Coincidentally, pure vanilla was hanging outside it like a lil gay boy, scrolling tumblr or pinterest. “What the vanilla bean?!” he said, almost dropping his bedazzled phone as he saw dark cacao’s GLAM-IFIED LOOK.

“Why do you look so… WHITE?!” He asks, pointing at dark cacao, who was covered in flour and looking unamused. “Listen, babygirl, you gotta help me. I cant be seen like this!!”

“What happened?” pure vanilla asks, dabbing the flour and licking it. “Wait, is that… Shadow Milk Cookie’s Child Labor Factory© branded flour?!” Just as dark cacao was going to respond, an omninous tune rang out. It was the ominous bell— nah, it was blueberry milk and incandescent spice. They were holding baseball bats and smiled deviously.

“What is THAT.” pure vanilla said, cringing. “Hey again, oomfie!” blueberry milk said to him, going in for a kiss. “Ew get away from me, you Furina knockoff from wish. But maybe I can kiss you later.” pure vanilla said, shoving blueberry milk away, not so gently.

“But YOU.” blueberry boi continued, pointing at dark acao. “You’re WHITE. That’s illegal.” He says, as he and incandescent pull out fake cardboard handcuffs and tasers. “WHAAT.” pure vanilla says, not wanting to be a witness. He backs away, but bumps into refined flour, who was behind him. “AH HOYOVERSE CEO IS THAT YOU—”

“What do you want, flour power??” dark cacao asks, stepping close to her, then immediately getting apprehended by incandecsent and blueberry. “GET AWAY FROM MY MAN.” pure vanilla said, stepping forward, but was blocked by refined flour. “He’s under arrest for being bla—”

“Don’t you dare finish that sentence.” The others started.

“Anyways, because I am the ruler of this school… you’re going to school jail.” refined started, dragging the flour-covered dark cacao away. “Wait, WHAT?!” pure vanilla asked, as blueberry milk and incandescent spice followed them out.

“They turned lil bro white…” PV utters to himself, kneeling in sadness. On cue, golden cheese, hollyberry, and white lily turned the corner.

“What the baking? pure vanilla, are you having a staring contest with the floor?!” hollyberry asks. The next moment, tears starting flowing out of vanilly’s cookie eye sockets. “THEY WHITEWASHED DARK CACA!” He cried.

We then cut to dark caca being held hostage in the ROOM OF TERROR. Jk its just an empty classroom. Blueberry milk and incandescent spice just fucking leaves because i lowkey forgot they were there in the first place. “Okay, BUDDY. MY FAVORITE BUD.” refined flour started, rubbing her hands mischeviously. She starts up a wonky projector. It buzzes to life, displaying a poorly made powerpoint presentation. On the orange backdrop it reads “Welcome to Psychological Trauma Therapy.”

“What the baking?!” dark accao asks. “Is this what golden chipotle felt after being ‘traumatized’?!” He keeps yapping in anger as refined flour clicks thorugh the slides, mostly talking about how bad of a parental figure he is.

“Did you like my presenation? She asks, as she finishes up. Ignoring her, dark cacao squints in realization. “You remind me of someone actually. Is the saying ‘return to flour’ part of your vocabulary?”

“No...” refined flour says, simply. “On second thought… Actually, we’ll let you go. Because you’re such a… star student!” She awkwardly (tries to) smile, untying him from the chair. Dark cca awkwardly thanks her, knowing that once in every Plutonian year he actually tries in class. Most of the time he plays adopt me or takes am i gay quizzes.

He walks out of the room, writing in his Diary™ (from excellent entities like if u get the reference). “Dear diaryryryryyr. Today I got kidnapped by a Hoyoverse employee. She tout me about parenting and It wuz noice. Maebe tommorow I will ask incandescent for art lesonz. I herd he tought pore vanila.”

He finishes writing, and puts the the Diary™ away. “Kinda weird that she kidnapped me. Maybe she’s jealous of my precure AURA.” He ponders, shaking all the flour off his LUSCIOUS HAIR. “Anyways, gotta update my stalkers!” He says, whipping out his phone. ‘Wassup gang its ur fav sigma i survived a kidnapping’ He texts the group chat.

Suddenly, the PA buzzes to life again. “Hi chat there’s a flour storm going around wear masks and quarantine or whatever. Or die if ur specially stupid.” the principal (who was also me) says into the PA. “What the baking is going on??” He says, looking out the window. It looked as white as Nahida. “It’s precure time!” He exclaims, and just like the cure black wannabe he is, tries to do the signature “precure jump” out of the window.

He immediately regrets it as he breathes in a ton of flour. “UWWWEAH—” He falls unceremoniously to the floor. “I cant see shit in this weather someone turn off the lights.” He announces to the fog. “WHAT THE? CACA IS THAT YOU?” A voice calls out in the fog. With his old man eyes, dark cacao can see 4 shining lights in the distance. “THAT MYSTIC FLOUR BISCUIT LITERALLY BLINDED POOR PURE VANILLA!!” golden cheese’s voice calls.

“Well… He’s already blind….” white lily says. “Anyways, get over here, dark cacacac!” Taking the initiative, he transforms and jumps towards the others’ direction.

Nearby, mystic flout was chilling on a lawn chair she stole, sipping her flour shake and eating her flour buns. Eternal sugar was next to her, also sipping a flour shake and trying not to choke on it. “Nah what the flour? where are those damn precures” Mystic asks the flour particles in the fog, taking another bite of her bun while petting Cloud Haetae Cookie, who was on her lap. Suddenly, a giant flashbang happens, even lighter than the flour storm. When it faded, the fog did as well, and the beast duo saw the precures in a stupid group pose saying a stupider group chant.

“Finally you’re here. Whatever, ALL SHALL RETURN TO FLOUR.” mystic flour said, raising the flour bao. The cures looked around, searching for the sources of her voice, even though she was just 180 degrees behind them. “Are they blind or something?” eternal sugar asks playfully. “I mean, that vanilla boy is literally half blind.” mystic responds. With a deadpan expression, she stood up, handing over Cloud Haetae to eternal. “Don’t worry little Haetae, Mom’s just gonna go on a murderous rampage.” She says, petting their head.

Finally, the precures turned around. “Oh, whoops. Didn’t see you here.” white lily said, awkwardly. “Is that your CHILD!?” pure vanilla asked, pointing to Cloud Haetae, sleeping in eternal’s arms.

“...” mystic flour pondered if to kill them now or just pity them. “...Yeah? The other beasts are too busy. Karaoke night.” eternal responded for her.

“Wait, the beasts do karaoke?! Send me your playlist!” pure vanilla said, holding up his phone with Spotify open. Mystic flounder just gently shoved his phone away. “That can be done later. Now, we fight.” She stepped to the side to reveal a giant snowman made of flour. “You couldn’t even afford instant snow?!” golden cheese asked, as the cures jumped away from an attack. Mystic flour simply ignored them, and put on her headphones, listening to a song (which was a 1 hour video of zen beats mixed into a phonk remix).

4 minutes and 20 seconds later, the cures were somewhat exhausted. Well, they didn’t even TRY to use their attacks or taunts. They just ran like their life depended on it. “Oh cacao beans no, they’re not even trying?!” dark caca said, glancing at mystic flour. On the side, eternal sugar was drifting off to sleep and petting Cloud Haetae.

“...At least spoiled milk and burping lice are at least yapping their asses off to us.” Dark caca says, trying to aurafarm as quickly as he can. Well it seemed to work, as the light bottle appeared. “It’s all or nothing.” He said, as the bottle locked into gun mode and 2763 sound effects played. He then purified the monster and shit.

As the attack theme played, mystic flour just picked up Cloud Haetae from eternal subaru and peaced out. As the music faded, dark cacao flipped the bottle cutely as the others clapped. “New catchphrase era, cacao?” hollyberryy asked, winking and nudging him. (Spoiler, I dont use this catchphrase for another 11 episodes.) DC looked up, eyes wide and sparkling. “Yeah, I guess so.”

“WAIT FOR ME, MYSTIC!” eternal sugar said, flying off far away. “Well that was weird.” pure vanilla said. “You can say that again. Actually, don’t do that. Your voice should only be used for late night talks with me. 😜” dark cacao replied. He then turned to the lawn chair mystic flour and Cloud Haetae were sitting on.

“That Refined Flower girl from earlier… she’s lowkey giving me mystic flour vibes.”

“What the baking, darkacaco? Are you on Rainbow Cubes or something?!” Pure vanilla asked, grabbing and shaking his shoulders aggresively.

“Uh… forget what i was saying.” DC said, then taking out a box of bottles. “Flour shakes, anyone?”

——————
Epic episode preview time.
PV: Next time on…!

WL: Thank blue for character development!

HB: Girl, you’re literally next after me, good luck

WL: I’m staying home next next week, thank you.

DC: Guys, did any of you see a package mailed to me earlier?

GC: (She picks up a box saying: ‘To that coffee precure bitch’) I think this was it? It got sent to our production studio.

DC: Stand back, that’s RF’s BOMB!!

HB: BOMB?! HERE?!

(The bomb explodes, tearing their greenscreen and most of their set.)

PV: Stay tuned… and donate to our GoFundMe. Link in description!

Chapter Text

It starts with Sparkling Sugar standing in the hall looking epic, checking her nails and trying not to fall asleep every second. She takes out this ✨magical orb of mysteriousness✨ which was pink and swirly. Ever since the last 3 weeks, they have gained evil powers^2. Since their endeavors as PreCure villains suck so badly, Dark Enchantress took pity on them and gave them upgraded monsters. Who knows why they never fight by themselves, though. Maybe the universe just decided there needed to be more episodes or something.

Sparkling Sugar just examined the orb, seeing the swirling glitter, and suddenly yawned. “I can’t believe she can afford these, but can’t give us a better salary!” She complained, putting the orb back in her duffel bag and slinking against the lockers. “Whatever. I gotta go store that negative energy for my powers back, yeah. Or whatever we’re doing, yeah!” She stood up back again, running to one of the nearby classrooms.

Nearby, Refined Flour was sitting in her epic chair of awesomeness that the school provided for her. BOOM BOW WAPOW the door FLEw open! “Refinedflourrefinedflour you gotta help me!” Sparkling Sugar said, sliding into the classroom like an ice skater on Rainbow Cubes. She opened up a thick dusty book labeled “Manipulation 101” and plopped it on a table nearby. “What is it, darling?” Refined Flour asked, standing up to look at it. “I have this HUGE manupulation test and I GOTTA ACE IT!”

“What’s a manipulation test?” Refined Flour said, glanicing at Sparkling Sugar, who was hyperventilating and flipping frantically, probably using the rush of energy she gets every 2763 years. “Well, I made that up. I just needed an excuse to talk to my favorite kitten~” Sparkling Sugar responded, lifting up Refined Flour’s chin. “Uh… I mean if you wanted to so badly—” Refined Flour started, but was interuppted by the door slamming, even though it was blown off the hinges by Sparkling Sugar earlier. “What the baking is going on here?” It was Hollyberry, who was just going in to grab some materials for some unrelevant project that will probably never be brought up again. “Oh look, it’s my test dummy!! Bye Refined Flour!” Sparkling Sugar says, gesturing to Hollyberry. She then grabs her with her strong ALPHA BUILD and runs out, leaving a confuzzled Refined Flour in the classroom.

“Okay, let’s get down to business. How about we fu—” Sparkling Sugar started, but then Hollyberry spoke up. “Wait, what type of Rainbow Cubes are you on cuz I want some too.” Sparkling Sugar sighed, becoming more impatient. The aura she emanated became more orange, white and pink. “Yeah, just… can you hold my bag for me?” She said, tossing her duffel bag filled with 2763 empty candy wrappers and the orb thingy. Hollyberry was going to protest, but Sparkling Sugar was already busy walking elsewhere. “What’s in this thing?” Hollybery said as she rummaged through the bag. She tossed out the old candy wrappers, and stared at the glowing orb. “Oh my blue, it’s the wuh luh wuh orb!” She went to touch it, and when she did, she immediately regretted it.

“What the hollyberry seeds?! This isn’t the wuh luh wuh orb!! It’s the—” Suddenly, Sparkling Sugar appeared behind her again, a menacing glint in her eye. “IT’S THE EVIL SLEEPY EEPY ORB.” The aura around the area started glowing more. “THE WHAT?!” Hollyberry asked, as she started feeling demotivated. “No… not my mewing streak…” She said, as she drifted into sleep. “That’s my little beta wolf. Now let’s go.” Sparkling Sugar said, picking up Hollyberry and her bag.

We cut screens to the other 4 cures strolling by a nearby shoping center. “What the vanilla bean? Where’s Hollyberry? We’ve been waiting for 2762 minutes!” Pure Vanilla complained. “2762? That sounds kind of wrong, doesn’t it?” Golden Cheese asked. “Then what else would it be then? 2763?” Pure Vanilla responded. “Wait, can we go back to our MISSING friend?!” White Lily said, stopping the conversation. “Let’s just call her. See if she’s okay.” Dark Cacao said, pulling out his phone (which had a stereotypical emo looking case). He typed for about 3 seconds, and a dial tone started playing.

Suddenly, someone picked up on the other side. “Yeah, sorry, the old Hollyberry can’t come to the phone right now.” Sparkling Sugar’s voice spoke. “Uh… can we speak to the new one then? What does that even mean??” Dark Cacao said into the phone, as the other three watched, a little concerned. “I was trying to sound cool, yeah? Anyways, I knocked her out, yeah.” Sparkling Sugar said, annoyed. The cures could imagine her eamining her nails as she talks. “You knocked her out?” Pure Vanilla asked into the speaker. “Yeah, I guess something good about a heavy book is that it’s knowledgable AND heavy! Anyways, I’m off now.” Sparkling Sugar said, ending the call.

“What’s with this school and kidnapping?” Dark Cacao asked, getting flashbacks to when Refined Flour showed him that shitty powerpoint presentation. “WE LIVE IN A SOCIETY-” Pure Vanilla started, but was shushed by Golden Cheese. “Whatever. Let’s go, go go!” She grabbed him by the hair. “No, no, no, NOT MY LUSCIOUS LOCKS!” Pure Vanilla complained as the other cures ran towards the school, silently agreeing that the life of a PreCure means no more relaxation. Mostly because Pure Vanilla is a little BITCH.

Meanwhile, Hollyberry was sitting in a corner of the school library, which was bedazzled with lights and had comfy chairs. She was too demotivated to move, mostly because of the evil evil sleepy eepy orb and the fact that Sparkling Sugar tried to knock her out with a heavy book titled ‘Manipulation 101’.

Eternal Sugar was outside the school, holding the evil evil sleepy eepy orb. Mystic Flour was next to her, holding her self proclaimed “Magical Orb of Volition and Apathy Jugemu Jugemu Gokō-no Surikire Kaijarisuigyo-no Suigyōmatsu Unraimatsu Fūraimatsu Kuunerutokoro-ni Sumutokoro Yaburakōji-no Burakōji Paipopaipo Paipo-no Shūringan Shūringan-no Gūrindai Gūrindai-no Ponpokopī-no Ponpokonā-no Chōkyūmei-no Chōsuke.” They held the orbs together, so close they looked like they were doing the boombayah. “Come out, Ubauzo!” Eternal Sugar said. “What the flour is an ubauzo.” Mystic Flour questioned, but quickly shook it off. The cures were visible running into the school, panting heavily, even though they only ran for about 5 minutes.

They ran up the stairs to the library, and punched down the door for emphasis, even though it was already open. “Hollyberry!” They shouted, tossing over every shelf and chair and table and pillow to find her. “Huh…? Fine shyt is that you?” Hollyberry’s voice was audible, and the cures ran up that area. “Yeah, it’s me—” All four of them said, then gave each other major glares.

“...Anyways, we gotta go. I think it’s almost that time to the week again!” Pure Vanilla says, checking his skibidi sigma ben 10 watch. They quickly transformed, because apparently only smart people go in the library, and apparently, no one in this universe is. They then do some property damage, by jumping out of another window. They land worse than a piece of peanut butter on bread taped to the back of a cat.

“Ooh, look, Mystic! It’s those guys again! Are they gonna play Fein?!” Eternal Sugar asked. “No, Eternal, this is a precure concer— why are we quoting memes.” Mystic Flour said. The monster then started playing fein. “It’s my episode today, and as the princess of the Rizzberry kingdom, I command all to spit brainrot!” Hollyberry said, as a shock suddenly filled the area.

“What the sigma?!” Pure Vanilla said, then covered his mouth as realized what he said, even though he said that in episodes prior. “You know you could have done that to the enemies ONLY. You’ve ✨gyatt✨ to be kidding me. He said, as the monster continues to play Fein. “Geez, icl ts pmo js sybau vro. GET OUT.” Dark Cacao said, covering his ears. “Can we just fight already? I’ve played these games before anyways.” Pure Vanilla said towards the villains, who were just standing there. Eternal Sugar nodded, kind of terrified to talk because of the Rizzberian Curse of 69 Generations Past. “stop glazing yourself vro” Golden Cheese says.

“OKAY, ENOUGH.” White Lily says, putting a stop their planning. “I literally CANNOT stand this brainrot. Even the creator has to search up brainrot terms because they’re a stupid lil BITCH. Just put the fries in the bag lil bro.” She raised her staff, making an override to the curse of brainrot. “Maybe next time don’t use your ancient spells while we’re in a battle.” White Lily continued, looking at Hollyberry, who sheepishly smiled. The monster’s song faded as well, and the cures sighed happily. “Dude what the flip.” Eternal Sugar said, unbeknownst to Mystic Flour’s relief. “Okay, you’re going down.” Dark Cacao said, summonig his Grape Chocoblade™. He tried to use his power-up, but found that the monster had just got its paycheck and could afford a bigger shield.

“It’s my time to shine. I’m going to mog these pathetic betas.” Hollyberry said, making the light bottle appear. “What.” Both Eternal Sugar and Mystic Flour said.

“Is this like those gacha life singing battles on my fyp?!” Pure Vanilla wondered. Hollyberry then said some more brainrot words idk and overpowered the monster’s shield. “SLAYYYY” the other cures cheered. “Man, I ain’t doing this shit again next week. I’m gonna be out of commision for a while. Preferrably at a beach sipping a pina colada.” Eternal Sugar said. “Can I come with you…?” Mystic Flour asked.

As they disappeared, White Lily got stared down at by the other four. “...Is this about the brainrot thing…?” She asked nervously. “No, we’re just trying to shield our girlie from any villains.” Pure Vanilla explained. ‘Yeah, we’ve all gotten our character devlopment episodes!” Golden Cheese said, glancing towards Pure Vanila, who didn’t even have one yet, and only got the upgrade because of his magical gay lead cure power. “Well… thanks guys!” White Lily said, still nervously sweating.

Meanwhile, Mystic Flour and Eternal Sugar parked their Honda Civic outside the Pillow Fort of Loserness. “UGHHHH!!!” Eternal Sugar complained, her eyes glowing, and her lesbian aura intensifing. “Calm down…” Mystic Flour said, as they walked out of the car. “I mean, you didn’t even TRY covering up your evilness.”

“Well, you can’t even make a decent powerpoint.” Eternal Sugar retorted.

“YOU’RE a powerpoint.” Mystic Flour responded.

“What’s that supposd to mean?!” Eternal Sugar said as they entered the fort. They walked into to see Shadow Milk and Burning Spice cheering Silent Salt on as they ‘sang’ to karaoke. Well, it was more like Shadow Milk and Burning Spice clapping while Silent Salt stands holding a microphone and instrumental music plays. “OH MY BLUE, those baking precures are a nuisance.” Eternal Sugar said, announcing their arrival. “Silent Salt and Shadow Milk, you guys go next week. Burning Spice, you’re coming with me and Mystic Flour to the caribbeans. Get packing.”

“You’re LEAVING me?!” Shadow Milk said, ANGRILY, as Burning Spice cheers. Silent Salt just signs ‘Man you guys baking suck’.

—————
PV: Next time on…!

(WL is seen trying to hide behind a box.)

WL: I’m trying to hide from FATE.

WL: Not like I know anything about that…

GC: Well… we’re gonna be your bodyguards for the day, if that helps.

WL: Thank you.. But that’s not needed.

DC: Did you guys see this Cookiegram post?

(A photo of ES, MF, and BS chilling on the beach.)

HB: They forgot to invite us again!!

PV: Again?

WL: Yeah, we missed their movie night.

GC: Do we even know where they live?! (She opens Maps and tries to search something up.)

PV: That can be a concern for NEXT time. Speaking of next time, stay tuned!

Chapter Text

The episode starts with Shadow Milk and Silent Salt angrily sitting on the couch, salty (pun intended) that they couldn’t go to the Caribbean with the other three, also because they took their only phone. “What do we do now, Salty?” Shadow Milk asked, cuddling his Cure Compassionate plush. Silent Salt just responded with a shrug, before pointing to the TV, which was playing the last episode. “Yeah, I know I’m obsessed with that femboy, don’t rub it in.” The room then lowered in volume immensely, which was Silent Salt’s way of expressing “Are you serious right now?”

“Ugh… anyways, let’s just wing it. It’s not like this can backfire on me.” Shadow Milk says, jumping up from the couch. “Let’s head to my factory chain. I bet we can make something we can either use for terrorism, freaky purposes, or for simple inconveniences.” He says, as Silent Salt follows him to the entire 2763 acres Dark Enchantress gave him to build random buildings (such as Shadow Milk Cookie’s Child Labor Factory©).

Back in Crispia City, it was a day off from school (for some reason). The gang was just finishing up a shopping trip (the first ever in 2 months, mostly because the beasts hate them having fun). Dark Cacao was carrying those dress to impress toys and clothing from emo-styled clothing stores. Golden Cheese was carrying boxes of expensive jewelry (half-paid by Hollyberry) and boxes of exquisite cheesecake. (Flashback to Episode 4 where she called Eternal Sugar a cannibal lol) Hollyberry was carrying 7 crates of expensive juice and 6 bags of decorations for some reason. Probably bedazzling some random room, but I can respect that. Pure Vanilla just had 3 boxes of small accessories, but was carrying all of White Lily’s science tools and craft supplies that she got.

“Where’s the baking car?!” Pure Vanilla screamed as he struggled to carry the 69 pounds that was Lily’s materials. By the time he got to the random precure car they have for some reason, the other 3 had already packed all their things in the trunk. Pitying him a little bit, White Lily decided to just help him put the stuff in. Then the five hopped in the car and drove off, to the precure clubhouse or something. They haven’t really thought about where that actually is going to be since episode 8. “Would be nice if we had some magical precure fairy garden.” Pure Vanilla said. “Wait, who let him DRIVE?!” Golden Cheese said, concerned about his driving skills, considering his eyesight. They all got to the clubhouse of awesomeness, but not without each one of them having the thought that they were going to crash and die. “Anyways, where’d you take us?” Hollyberry asks, as they all step out of the car.

“It’s our new clubhouse!” Pure Vanilla says, taking in the sight. It was a wooden cabin, pretty spacious for its size, but was in the middle of the dark evil forest™. “This is a… old cabin.” Golden Cheese said. “Can’t we just ask the Rizzberry king and queen for a spare house or something? At least their ‘houses’ are like penthouses.”

Suddenly a roar was heard nearby. “Get in the car biscuits.” Dark Cacao said, already juming to the driver’s seat. “I’m driving.” They quickly sped out of the forest (still obeying traffic rules, though, don’t worry) and back into the city. “Wait, can you guys stop here? I have something to do here today.” White Lily said, peeking over the side. “I’LL HELP YOU! DON’T WORRY YOUR FRAIL ARMS!” Pure Vanilla said. His ass is not the skibidi rizzler. “Uhm… I appreciate it but I can do it myself anyways.” She responded, as the car stopped.

She then grabbed her science and craft supplies all with one arm and walked into the smart building for smart people. (I guess it’s like a science institute or some shit) She walks into her research room and sets the stack of supplies on a chair next to her and pat its ‘head’. “I heard today we’re making hydrogen peroxide explosions. :D” She said, talking to herself. (I have no idea what im talking about but i bet its SUPER COOL.)

Suddenly, the enby lesbian icon Crystallized Salt came in. “Is this where we’re making hydrogen peroxide explosions…?” They asked. “Oh, are you my research partner? How fun!” White Lily responded. “Can I sit down?” Crystallized Salt asked, expecting her to move her heap of materials. “Yeah, the floor’s all yours.” She responded. Crystallized Salt just gave her a look and just decided to grab a chair from a nearby clasroom. As they ran out, White Lily just started setting up her science equipment.

When Crystallized Salt came back, everything was already set up. “So… you heard of those zest fests called the precure?” They asked, as they sat down. “Uh… what about them?” White Lily blushed slightly, as it was the first time she was called a ‘zest-fest’. “Have you heard of the mythical faerie kingdom before? Filled with… EUGH… straight people.” Crystallized Salt continued, mixing the chemicals as they talked.

“Straight people? They may look like the straight flag, but they’re NOT straight! I would know, of course.” White Lily gasped, not believing her ears. “How would you know.” Crystallized Salt asked, sounding more like a statement than a question. “I just… heard a different retelling before!” White Lily says, not wanting Crystallized Salt to know that she actually has been there before. “Can we switch the subject?” She says, not wanting to sound too rude. She finalized the chemical reaction and took out a notepad and scribbled some notes.

AHDQKDGABHJDGHX! Crystallized Salt’s phone rang. It was an alarm labeled “ITS TIME.” Set by Shadow Milk, probably. He usually sets prank alarms to wake tthe others’ up at 3:00 AM to summon the god of money or whatever shenanigans he had planned. “Well, this was fun!” Crystallized Salt says, gathering their notes and running out of the door. “Well, I guess I’ll head home now too.” White lily says, staring at the extremely flammable liquid spilled on the ground, turning and leaving with her ton of supplies.

Meanwhile, Shadow Milk was stalking Pure Vanilla with his new custom made Pure Vanilla detector as Crystalized Salt turned the corner, clearing their throat. “Let’s go.” They said, removing their disguise. The two then took out their new BALLS™ of power and summoned a monster thingy. I don’t know, I think I’m almost out of monster names. “Now to find my pookie wookie Pure Vanilla so I can make out with him.” Shadow Milk said, leading the monster and Silent Salt using the PV detector.

From outside the science institute for lil babies, White Lily saw the monster emerge. “Not the time right now, villians.” She muttered to herself, and put her pile of stuff in a bush, hoping to just get back to it later. PreCure-ing is more important, anyways. Possibly more than her future dreams, if she’s throwing her science equipment in a bush. She just ran towards the monster, at full speed.

Meanwhile, the other precures were analyzing houses in the Rizzberry kingdom for their new clubhouse. CRUSH MUSH BUSH. The monster said, trying to walk alongside the road. “Why is it doing that?!” Shadow Milk said as Silent Salt just reassured him with a pat to say something like “it’s all part of the plan.” The two villains then walked up to the cures, waiting. “He’s right behind me, isn’t he.” Pure Vanilla said, not even turning around as Shadow Milk clung to him, just like how Blueberry Milk did in episode 2. “Ack— what are you doing here? Aren’t you guys on vacation?!” Pure Vanilla said, somewhat curious about the other beasts’ whereabouts. “They explicitly didn’t invite me. Oh, I’ve been replaced with something as meager and mundane as a… summer getaway.” Shadow Milk said dramatically, as Silent Salt facepalmed behind him. White Lily suddenly ran up the path, slightly out of breath, but not as bad as Pure Vanilla’s running skils. “It’s precure time!” She said, holding up her tambourine. “Uh.. okay.” The others agreed, as they all transformed.

“Ooh, so shiny, so STRWONGG!” Shadow Milk said, admiring the transformations, before getting slapped by Silent Salt. “Okay, fine, I’ll stop fanboying for a second.” Shadow Milk said, annoyed. “Let’s fight, biscuits!” The monster roared as he finished talking for emphasis.

After one battle scene i was too lazy to write, White Lily used her awesome powers to summon the light bottle. “MY WIFE YAAAAS” The other cures cheered. She then continues to purofy the monster as Shadow Milk and Silent Salt just retreat in fear if them being fired. I guess the production studio had a lot of budget so imagine the purification being really well animated. “NAH WHAT THE FRICK.” Shadow Milk says, as salty as can be, before he and Silent Salt disappear. “The gang’s all magical now! For real for real!” Pure Vanilla said, bringing the group in for a hug.

From the luxurious castle of darkness and cake, Dark Enchantress watches the PreCures, while she eats her cereal with water and pineapple on pizza. (Dont cancel me i love pineapple pizza.)

Chapter Text

“Man, what a lovely day!” Pure Vanilla said, as he strolled to somewhere. He stopped at a crosswalk, looking to both sides. When there was no cars coming, he stepped on the road, and BANG! Truck-kun came in like a wrecking ball. That also may or may not have been Burning Spice driving. “AUGHHHHHHD JABDJBANKHD—” Pure Vanilla said, as he got isekai’d. Nah, he didn’t really get isekai’d.

He woke up, hyperventilating. “Oh my blue, did I get isekai’d?!” He said, looking around. Suddenly, Silent Salt Cookie appeared next to him, shaking him gently as to try to get him to calm down. “What the baking am I doing here?” Pure Vanilla asked, half panicked and half relieved. Then, a loud BANG was heard outside the pillow fort of loserness. Silent Salt dragged Pure Vanilla out of bed and peeked outside the fort.
On Highway 420 (The highway from beast-yeast to crispia), there was a loud revving sound. It was Burning Spice driving a monster truck (that he stole, lol) with a concerned Mystic Flour and Eternal Sugar in the backseats. “Okay, what the sigma is going on?! Also, why the vanilla bean am i shadow milk cookie ew” Pure Vanilla asked Silent Salt, but they just ignored him, thinking something like ‘he’ll be back to normal soon enough. its just those damn period cramps’.

SWERVE SWERVE SWERVE! Burning Spice did some donuts for no particular reason other than to look cool and parked by the Pillow Fort of Loserness. “We missed you guys!” Eternal Sugar said, hopping out of the car, decked in summery clothing. Mystic Flour and Burning Spice did too, also dresssed in summer fashion. “Here, we got you souveniers. Be grateful, you two.” Eternal Sugar says, shoving bags towards Silent Salt and Pure Vanilla. Trying not to seem too freaked out, Pure Vanilla just accepted it graciously, still figuring out what happened and why the beasts are just showering him with gifts. “Uhm… I thought you guys were broke.” He said, holding the bag awkwardly. Burning Spice and Eternal Sugar looked nervous after that question. “We took out… a loan?” Burning Spice said, half-convinced himself. “Anyways, how was the villian stuff going?”

“what.” Pure Vanilla replied. “it was… good?” He said, lying. “So… how was the drive home?” He asked, trying to get an understanding of WHAT THE BAKE was happening. “Oh, I ran over someone… I think it was that precure guy.” Burning Spice replied, shrugging. “I was speeding too fast to care.” By the time he finished talking, Pure Vanilla already got in the car. “I’m gonna… go now. Toodleloo.”

“Not like THAT you’re not!” Eternal Sugar replied, dragging him out. She snapped her fingers, disguising all the beasts. “Guys, Shadow Milk volunteered for us to go out and PARTY!!!!” She said, dragging him back to the car and sitting in the passenger seat. The others followed, excited for this random road trip. “Can we leave now?” Pure Vanilla said, already hating this life.

We then cut screens woahhh! “LIL BRO DON’T DIE ON ME WE STILL HAVE TO WATCH THE MIKU MOVIE TODAY!!!” White Lily was screaming, shaking Pure Vanilla— I mean… [cough] Shadow Milk awake. “What the baking?!” Shadow Milk said, confused. “What am I doing here?! And why are YOU guys here?” He said, gesturing to the cures, who looked at each other concerned. “Pure Vanilla, do you have amnesia?” Golden Cheese says, concerned about his health even more. “Ehe… what did you call me.” Shadow Milk says, before examining himself. “Oh blue, why me…?” He thought to himself before trying to devise a plan.

Meanwhile, in the Beasts’ Honda Civic, Sparkling Sugar just started blasting Fein on the radio while Incandescent Spice and Refined Flour just talked. Meanwhile, Pure Vanilla was just kinda shocked that he was literally the knockoff smurf now. Also, that apparently that five prominent students in their school were the beasts in disguise. And, they’re stupid as hell to boot. “Where are we going anyways?” Sparkling Sugar asks.

“UHHHHH… We’re just… doing evil stuff. Like normal?” Pure Vanilla says, trying to act like the jester twink. That seemed to have worked, as the beasts cheer. “Anyways… why are we like… villains again?” Pure Vanilla asked, trying his best to pry information about their rivalry.

Refined Flour, ever the rambling storyteller, starts. “Do you have dementia or something? So it all started when we were born. We never had a father because he went out to get the milk, so we had to get our own. Also, we were literally born like 11 years old and as PreCures. Then, some bad shit happened which I was too lazy to write. We had some gambling addictions and so we became like evil boo hoo. Now we work minimum wage for Dark Enchantress, who eats pineapple on pizza and water cereal.”

“She eats what…?!” Pure Vanilla said, disgusted and gripping the steering wheel. The disguised beasts then arrive to the iconic shopping center. “So… wanna summon the monster with me?” Incandescent Spice says to Pure Vanilla, who was kinda intimidated.

Meanwhile… A montage plays of Shadow Milk was trying to decieve the other cures, but their 8 combined brain cells don’t do much to help him. “[sigh] I need some backup here.” Shadow Milk says, finally deciding to DO SOMETHING. He pulls out Pure Vanilla’s phone and dials the beasts’ phone number. Ring a ling a ling. “C’mon, pick up!” He said, suppressing the urge to turn the phone into a waffle, because he was lowkey starving.

Finally, someone on the line picked up. It was Sparkling Sugar. “Erm… yeah. Who is this?” She said, as multiple explosions can be heard in the distance. “What the bake is going on… it’s me. Shadow Milk Cookie? I’m just a bit… inconvenienced right now.”

“Wait, you’re not with Burning Spice ✨terrorizing✨ the city right now? Also, why do you lowkey sound like a femboy—”

“I’m doing WHAT now.” Shadow Milk responded, as the explosions could be heard from his side as well. “Guys, we have to go!” White Lily says, holding up her PreCure tambourine. Golden Cheese, Hollyberry, and Dark Cacao posed as well. “Wait, where’s Pure Vanilla—?” Dark Cacao started, before seeing Shadow Milk book it out of the mall and into the battlefield. “Gays, after that femboy!” Golden Cheese said, pointing to Shadow Milk and following him.

Outside, Burning Spice was literally trying to kill anyone and everything while Pure Vanilla looked kind of traumatized. “Aw hell nah jit trippin” Shadow Milk said, at the scene of the crime. “So… can we summon the monster nowwww. I’m getting bored.” Burning Spice said, looking expectantly towards Pure Vanilla, who just wanted to kill himself as this point. “I — ehe— forgot?” He said, kinda hoping it would work. “What. how tf do u just FORGET.” Burning Spice said, getting all up in his face now. “Can you guys just shut the bake up. Also, can I have my body back plz plz plz?” Shadow Milk says, now getting in between the two.

“What the- you’re here now too?” Pure Vanilla says. “SWITCHUSBACKSWITCHUSBACKSWITCHUSBACK.” Shadow Milk says, grabbing Pure Vanilla by the frilly collar and shaking him agressively. “I don’t want to get isekai’d again by Mr. truck-kun. And, what are the chances that’s gonna work.” Pure Vanilla says, awkwardly. Burning Spice takes the initiative and steps back, giving the two gays their room.

“Look. I’m going to start ranting, so if you have anything you’d like to say, speak now.” Pure Vanilla says, twirling his (?) hair in a zesty way. “You’re a f-” Shadow Milk starts, but is silenced by Pure Vanilla. “Okay, no complaints. So… I kinda snooped and heard your backstory and I’d like to say… I’m sorry. For calling you a smurf and all. It kinda hits different when you are the victim 😢. I know that I don’t know what it’s like to be born at age 11 and being evil and stuff, but I wanna… be ur friend. Maybe more.” He said, trying to pat Shadow Milk, who keeps swatting him away.

“Pfft— you don’t know anything about being evil and shit. Also, your apology sucked.” There was an awkward moment of silence before Burning Spice just threw his magic orb at the both of them, which knocked them out, switching them back to normal. The other cures finally ran out to the arena. “What the rizz happened here?” Hollyberry asked. “Filler episode.” Burning Spice expained. “Okay, I’ve stalled long enough. Come out, monster thing!” He said, simply grabbing Shadow Milk’s ball ™ and summoning a monster thing. Pure Vanilla and Shadow Milk regained consciousness shortly, and the precure transformed and shit. “Why the milk factory didn’t you wait for me?” Shadow Milk said, looking as disheveled as a wet cat. Burning Spice just made a “:3” face at him in response.

One fight later I was too lazy to write again, Pure Vanilla came up to Shadow Milk as he was going to retreat and cry again. “Here’s my number, btw. Call me any time. 😜” He said, giving him a piece of paper. ‘Oh blue, now he’s gonna raise our phone bills even more.’ Burning Spice thought as Shadow Milk stubbornly accepts the gift. They then disappear and stuff, leaving the cures with very… interesting memories.

Chapter Text

Shadow Milk is just fiddling with the only phone the beasts have, while the other four glare at him. “yeah, our salary is going to go even more down the drain since he's using it too much, yeah!" Eternal Sugar said, not particularly angry at Shadow Milk, but more that he's been giggling and kicking his feet like a little femboy while texting Pure Vanilla, and that was not the type of white noise she wanted to hear while dozing off. Mystic Flour stared at him apathetically, as she usually does, and just said some shit like “Why care? LIFE IS FUTILE AND WERE ALL GOING TO RETURN TO FLOUR EVENTUALLY U MOTHERBAKING BISCUITS." Burning Spice and Silent Salt were just watching Shadow Milk squeal like a little kid.

Suddenly, Shadow Milk drops the phone directly on his face. As the phone slowly slid off his face and onto the floor, he suddenly got yet another one of his epiphanies. “chat…" he says solemnly, looking at the others. “What if we just made tea and pancakes and talked it out with the cures?”

In response, the other four just blinked. Well, at least he thought, since you couldn't even see Silent Salt’s eyes. “Girl, I thought about that before, and that was when I was a naive little cookie.” Burning Spice says.

"If I recall, that was only about a month ago." Mystic Flour says. “But you do have a point. Also, where are we going to get batter or tea bags? It's not like we can ask Dark Enchantress, she’ll just give us something like batter with lead poison or tea made from dead cookie crumbs.” Clearly, this plan was not thought through by Shadow Milk. But maybe he had a solution. “To my factory chain—” he started, getting up and about to walk, until Mystic Flour stopped him. “It's a stupid baking idea, you crumbs for brains. We’re trying to steal their cure ribbon soul jam thingies, REMEMBER??"

“Wait, then why didn't we just do that in Episode 9?” Eternal Sugar piped up. “ANYWAYS.” Mystic Flour says, interrupting her. “Remember why we’re ACTUALLY villains.” She says, commanding the other four to stand straight (more like stand queer) and listen to her words of wisdom (which were usually along the lines of ‘return to flour’).

“Well, of course we do, but just say it again for the audience." Shadow Milk says, winking at the camera. Mystic stared at him for a good 7 seconds, then put on these shiny shades and grabbed the karaoke mic. “Let me start from the BEGINNING.” She said. "why are you saying it like this is some flocabulary rap lesson” Shadow Milk asked, then some sick beat started to play out of nowhere.

"ahem. Is this thing on. So it all started like… What, 10 years ago or some shit? Idk I'm too old now. And we were like baked by some guy named Blue from something called a happiness charge purikyua. And like we were literally born as middle schoolers like this isn't healing good precure we don't need more cure earth logic or cure ace or cure majesty or whatever. And so like yeah we were made to fight monsters. And yeah like we ate that up like the divas we were. But whoopsie daisy there was an oversight. We got cancelled on Reddit and Twitter because lowkey we were ✨✨rebellious✨✨ teens. And we got so depressed and shit we basically turned ourselves in to the evilness, yeah! And now the precure gods stole half of our power, yeah! And gave it to those little shits and now we’re angry. So now we need those cure ribbon things to sustain the ultimate cookie, yeah!! Also basically no one remembers our hero time now.” She finished, striking a pose as three spotlights shone on her out of nowhere.

The other four clapped, appreciating her attempt at rapping, even though it was mostly monotone. “Can't we just use our own powers to sustain that ultimate blob of dough or something though? Are we just extremely baking stupid?” Shadow Milk says, lowkey somewhat brainwashed from Pure Vanilla invading his brain most of the time. “erm why would you even think that u baking idiot” Burning Spice says, thwacking Shadow Milk on the stupid hat. “GEEZ I'M JUST TRYING TO COVER UP SOME POSSIBLE PLOT HOLES” He shouted back.

We then change scenes because the precures need some screen time because it’s literally their show. “About last week—” Pure Vanilla started. “can't believe we brought SHADOW MILK out of all people to watch the Miku and Minecraft movie with us." White Lily says, kind of bewildered herself, as someone in the background shouted "CHICKEN JOCKEY”. "Not THAT— even though you guys owe me a rewatch…” Pure Vanilla responded, waving his hands for emphasis. ”I'm talking about the fact that Blueberry Milk, Refined Flour, Incandescent Spice, Sparkling Sugar, AND Crystallized Salt were literally the beasts in disguise. When I think about it, all they did was change their hairstyle and clothes.”

“Right… THAT…" Golden Cheese said, lowkey zoned out, thinking about the DELICIOUSMILE cheesecake she ate last week. (Partial cannibalism is crazy)

”Yeah, I'm glad you feel SO enthusiastic about this as I am!" Pure Vanilla said, even though the other cures just look somewhat shocked. “Let's confront them!!" He says, raising a fist. ”oh hell nah lil bro ur on your own.” Dark Cacao said, looking at Pure Vanilla like he just gobbled a gallon of Rainbow Cubes in front of him. “They literally tried to murder us and our whole town.”

“BUT-B-B-B-BUT WHY NOT THEN?!” Pure Vanilla said, batting his cookie eyelashes at Dark Cacao, who could not resist them. The other three just stare like ‘Oh no, we lost him.’ But before he was REALLY captivated, Dark Cacao snapped out of it. “okay, think first my pookie wookie. How the Cacao bean are we going to corner all five of them and bring them to a disclosed area.”

“You know what— how about we just watch that Miku movie?" Pure Vanilla suggested, knowing that he really didn't have an answer for cacao’s question. The others cheered, knowing that their leader was truly, the most sigma lead precure. They skipped off into the horizon, linking arms.

Back at the Pillow Fort of Loserness, the beasts were talking about their precure times, thinking about how happier they were when they weren't minimum wage workers and lived in a dump. “You do remember we literally have our own house, right?” Burning Spice said.

“Well in Dark Enchantress’s contract, it said we had to build our own home in Beast-Yeast because quote unquote, ‘I said so’.” Eternal Sugar said, holding up a piece of paper titled ‘evil mcevil corporation contract’.

“Erm so u wanna summon monsters now” Mystic Flour says, not wanting to revisit their nostalgic past. She went to the giant wheel of names that was somehow there all this time. On the wheel read: “Spoiled Furina knockoff, burping lice, HoYoverse character designer, himejoshitron 1000 and salty salty salt.” Mystic gave it two spins. “So… Burning Spice and Eternal Sugar.. Like… Go and do evil shit now.” she said, pushing the two out of the fort and handing them the car keys.

They just both stood there, having been kicked out on the spot. “Wanna get some ice cream first?" Eternal Sugar said, in a drowsy tone.

”Oh my blue I've been waiting for that question my whole life." Burning Spice said, rubbing his hands like ‘mweheheh’. ”No one has asked you to eat ice cream with them before?” Eternal Sugar said, not believing her cookie ears as she started the car. “No, actually. Now I feel sad.” Burning Spice said, as Eternal Sugar started to drive them out of Beast Yeast. They then started singing the wheels on the bus.

Meanwhile, the cures were at a local ice cream shop, because Pure Vanilla believes in supporting local businesses like the diva he is. Just imagine what flavors they got because I lowkey don't know. They were chatting about school and hobbies and precure stuff, and somehow nobody in the shop knows or cares enough to pick up on it.

Suddenly, the bell on the door chimed. Sparkling Sugar and Incandescent Spice walked in without a care in the world. “wait, what the baking are THEY doing here?!” Golden Cheese whispered to the others, still salty over what Incandescent Spice did about a month ago. “Well they don't seem to be doing anything bad…" White Lily said, cautious but giving them the benefit of the doubt.

Sparkling Sugar was treating Incandescent Spice to a triple scoop strawberry cone or something, I'm definitely not a flavor connoisseur. “WOAH!! IT'S SO PINK, SO PRETTY!!” Incandescent said, holding the cone like it was his firstborn child. Sparkling Sugar was just patting him on the back like ‘you’re experiencing cuisine for the first time ever.’

“I… Have to agree with you on that, Lily.” Dark Cacao said, begrudgingly. “Don't be such a downer, Cacao. That's like… So not skibidi alpha precure of you." Hollyberry said, patting him on the back, a little bit roughly, but it was unintentional.

“YOU!” Pure Vanilla said, pointing dramatically at Sparkling and Incandescent. He jumped on the table before anyone could stop him. “stop terrorizing local businesses and go back to doing whatever you do in that pillow fort!!” The five were immediately kicked out by Strawberry Crepe Cookie, who got paid minimum wage and did not want to deal with PV’s shit.

“GRRRRR….” pure vanilla growled like some sort of loser. “Is it monster time?” Sparkling Sugar said, stepping out of the store alongside Incandescent Spice. “Oh my roots, rhizomes, stems, leaves, bark, flowers, fruits, and seeds, you're right!” Incandescent Spice said, almost forgetting about why they were there in the first place due to his ✨POIFECT✨ ice cream. They did some cool spin with some particle smoke explosion and returned to their beast forms. “UHHH YEAH IT'S MONSTER TIME WOOOO!!" they said, holding up their balls™ and summoning a monster thing. Pretend they walked to a desolate area because they are not ruining that ice cream shop. “Is that a strawberry ice cream cone??” Hollyberry asked, looking at the monster. “Woah! It’s pink AND pretty! My favorite combination!” Dark Cacao said in admiration, before getting playfully thwacked by the others.

Watching this, Eternal Sugar felt a little jealous. “Erm, yeah, this isn't very cool. I should be the bringer of happiness and shit yeah!” She crossed her arms as Burning Spice tried to console her with a random bug he found.

Meanwhile, the cures were doing flips and shit to dodge the monster’s attacks. “PRECURE, IDOL SMILING!!” Pure Vanilla started, but forgot that his ass was NOT cure idol. “If only we had the power of friendship!" He said. “Chat I have an idea I have an idea!!" White Lily said. “what if we just hit it with all our attacks.” The other cures paused, then the idea clicked. “Oh! Why didnt we think of that EARLIER!!!” they said together, nodding in unison. And then with the power of friendship, a long attack sequence, and extremely loud powerful screaming, they purified the monster, which left Burning Spice in dismay. “This is the bush situation all over again…” Hollyberry said, a little amused, but sympathizing with Burning Spice’s loss.

“You know what? I'll give you $20 for another ice cream IF you and the other beasts agree to come over to our brand new clubhouse… Let's say three weeks from now.” Golden Cheese said, walking up to Burning Spice and slapping a $20 bill onto his forehead. “Ok I'll do whatever you say. I'll even PUT ANOTHER BOMB IN YOUR LOCKER for pink and pretty desserts!!!” He said, now hyper and ecstatic. “Wait, what did you just agree to." Eternal Sugar said, taking in the information and standing in confusion.

The cures walked away, congratulating Golden Cheese’s quick thinking skills. “Want some strawberry cakes?” Pure Vanilla asked, holding up a ✨✨crisp✨✨ credit card as everyone cheered.

After credits, we see Eternal Sugar looking at old photos from her precure time and asking herself what the sugarcane happened and why did they look so fucking ugly back then.

———
Preview time.

PV: next time on…!

GC: hey we finally decided on a clubhouse. I mean we didn't even have to pay for it, Hollyberry’s parents just gave it to us because we’re… “Diligent young folks."

DC: just AS we got our super epic cool clubhouse, we got a new secret base. Great.

WL: Y'ALL IS THAT THE ELEMENTAL ALCOVE OF THE FAERIE KINGDOM??

HB: uhhh I think so??? I have no idea what youre trying to say.

PV: stay tuned biscuits because some of ur favorites might make cameos.

DC: he means horribly mischaracterized for humor and probably one line of “screen time”.

Chapter Text

“Guys… why is my tambourine thing tweaking out?!” Pure Vanilla said, in the ‘PreCure Clubhouse of AWESOMENESS™’ as the other four were concerned about how he had been treating his little baby. It was glowing and vibrating with fervent yellow energy. “Chat is this real?? CLIP THIS WERE GOING INTO THE BACKROOMS!!” Hollyberry and Golden Cheese say, as this was their defense during times of panic.

“OMG WE’RE GOING TO DIEEEE!!!" Pure Vanilla says, holding White Lily in front of him like a cookie shield. Instead of being scared like the others, she knew this feeling. “Guyyyys relaaaax that's a COMPLETELY normal phenomenon.” She said, confidently. The tambourine then fucking flashbanged everyone in the room. “Now I know how it feels—!!” Pure Vanilla said, feeling like he's been blinded all the way. A glowing rainbow portal appeared in the corner of the room. “WOAH!! GUYS, I THINK THAT'S MY HOMETOWN, GAY KINGDOM!!” Pure Vanilla said grabbing his tambourine, all fears gone. “Wait, you know the Faerie Kingdom too?!" White Lily said. “What. No, I was just baking around.”

“oh. Well then. Fudging biscuit-” White Lily muttered under her breath while looking like ‘😠‘. The cures then stepped into the portal, which closed behind them. They reappeared in a land of pale unsaturated colors. “Is this… EUGHHH… STRAIGHTLAND?!" all the cures beside White Lily exclaimed after seeing the lack of color. “What?! No, no, no. There are a lot of queers in the Faerie kingdom, and the straights are supportive.” As she finished explaining, two cookies flew up to them. It's your favorite faerie… guardian guardians, Silverbell and Mercurial Knight!!! “White Lily Cookie! You're here!!" they cheered. “Someone called for you.” Silverbell explained, leading the cures to a… More colorful seclusion of the Faerie Kingdom. It was filled with flowers, birds, and other stereotypical fantasy garden decor.

Chilling around the area… GASP!!! THE SUGOI KAWAII ELEMENTAL GUARDIAN SENPAIS!!!! and like Millennial tree and sugar swan and elder faerie are there too for PLOT CONVENIENCES!!! You can TOTALLY tell i dont know how to write this.

“OH MY BLUE WHITE LILY AAAUUUGHHHH- and other random people.” Elder Faerie went to hug White Lily, noticing the… ew.. Others. “So, do you know why we have brought you here?” Sugar Swan asked. The cures just blinked awkwardly in silence. “Uh… No?" Pure Vanilla said, glancing away awkwardly. ”That was a RHETORICAL QUESTION YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO ANSWER THAT.” Sugar Swan snapped.

“ANYWAYS. you're here because we chose you to become the… ‘Legendary magical warriors, heroes, and protectors of light’.” She said. …

“Can we shorten the name a little bit?” Pure vanilla asked. How about something like… The.. magical mystical advocates… precures. [Gasp!] MMA PRETTY CURE!!” He declares, pumping his fist like he basically cured cookie cancer. “MMA? we’re not ‘mixed martial artists.’” Dark Cacao said, facepalming. “MMA… MAGICAL MIDDLE AGE PRECURE!" Golden Cheese suggested, adding on. “What the baking is a magical middle age?" Hollyberry asked.

”SHUT THE BAKE UP." Sugar Swan yelled, wondering how these five idiots were chosen to be the successor of the other cures who were 12 years old. “Phew. Anyways, BACK TO WHAT I WAS SAYING. Your job is to NEUTRALIZE this old crusty lady, Dark Enchantress’s creation she oh so conveniently calls the ultimate cookie.” She continues, holding up poorly recreated drawings of the subjects she was talking about. “So I need you guys to keep killing monsters of the week. Then the Almighty precure jesus witch blue will bless you with powerups.”

“the ultimate cookie, huh? So shiny, so STRONG!” the cures said in unison,which received looks from all the elemental guardians. ”Now shoo, I'm losing braincells from being in your vicinity.” On Sugar Swan’s command, the cures just walked to another sector of the alcove. The elementals were like doing shit, not really caring about the cures, as they really don't need to be involved with some random college students who save the world. Fire Spirit was trying to rizz up Wind Archer (with brainrot terms), Stormbringer and Frost Queen were playing human w walk city together, and Sea Fairy was missing Moonlight, who was like… Flying to Tokyo for some reason. Maybe for magic stuff or something idk. Walking by and watching their interactions, the cures DID NOT want to interact with them.

“Shall we skedaddle?" Pure Vanilla asked, even though he knew the unanimous answer was ‘yes’. So the five skedaddled the most skedaddliest skedaddle there could have ever skedaddled. They eventually made it back to the main part of the Faerie Kingdom, and the playable faeries were waiting for them. “Oh HAIIII again, my favorite alpha Chad queen divine diva White Lily! And you NPCs too." Elder Faerie said in a kawaii voice. He then SLAPPED five precure charms with the pride flag… I mean a rainbow as the centerpiece into the hands of the cures. “This can spawn the portal again if you put it in those fugly tambourines. Bye, I gotta go do cool Faerie stuff.” He said, turning around, and getting lifted up onto Silverbell and Mercurial Knight’s shoulders.

“What a nice fellow!” Pure Vanilla said. “So… Shall we go back and kick ass and power up like the diabetic goose said?” "YEAHHH!!!” the others cheered. One cool portalling scene later, they were back at the PreCure Clubhouse of Awesomeness™©. “Hey, at least we can still use this GIANT PENTHOUSE, right?” Hollyberry said, gesturing to the giant house. “I'd rather live here than with my stupid ass family!" Pure Vanilla said, eyes sparkling, which earned him aghast stares from the other four. “Anyways, let's go… Find monsters, I guess.” Dark Cacao said, going with the ✨ cookie flow✨.

The cures walked out of the house, and started to walk around aimlessly. “HALT!! ARE YOU A MONSTER?!" Pure Vanilla shouted at a raccoon who was digging through trash. “Hey, that's obviously the interstellar celebrity, the Galactic Baseball! Be nice!" Golden Cheese says, elbowing Pure Vanilla.

Meanwhile, Mystic Flour and Shadow Milk were standing on top of the PreCure Clubhouse of Awesomeness™©. Shadow Milk was painting the roof with a sickly neon green while Mystic just tried not to get painted. “Nyehehehehe.” Shadow Milk laughed.

“Uh… nyeheheh?” Mystic Flour repeated, trying to gauge what Shadow Milk’s odd behaviour is usually like.

“We see you guys. What are you guys doing.” Dark Cacao said, looking up at the two beasts on the roof, who jumped at being found out, even though they are two wildly dressed cookies and were painting with a wildly colored neon green. “Is it balls time?" Shadow Milk asked, turning to Mystic Flour. “Wheat yeah it's BALLS time.” She responded. They then commenced the secret BALLS time protocol. “EVIL EVIL SUMMONING RITUAL WOAHHHH!!!” A huge gust of wind blew, making the cures step back.

“Are you two summoning hot sauce as well?" Dark Cacao asked, covering his face from the wind as he held up the Hot Sauce© bottle from episode 9. “Uh… No. That word gives me trauma after Burning Spice tried to dunk every item of food we had in it.” Mystic Flour said, solemnly. “Sorry for your loss?" White Lily said, fidgeting. the monster summoned was surprisingly, NOT a hot sauce bottle (To Mystic’s relief). Just pretend it's some mundane object like that bucket of paint that Shadow Milk was painting with.

“AUWKZOHKEKW!" The cures screamed, running in circles. It was too fast to get any attacks in without interruption, but the cures used their basic defense tactics to buy some time. “Wait, can we do that group attack thing again?!" Hollyberry remembered last week’s tactic. “Great idea! Let's go biscuits!!" Golden Cheese smirked and gave her a thumbs up. And so they tried, but erm… It flopped and the attack flew away faster than the average lifespan of a 2025 animation trend.

“What the sigma?!" the cures exclaimed. “Womp womp.” Shadow Milk laughed, earning a side glare from Mystic Flour. “GRRRRRRRR.” Pure Vanilla growled, more diabolically than last week. “Let's see if this rainbow charm does anything, huh?" He asked, throwing the charm at the monster. It bounced off its metal with a small ‘clink’ sound. The other cures, the beasts, and even the interstellar superstar galactic baseballer just stopped to stare at this futile excuse of an attack.

“Just a thought, but maybe you should like… Put the charm on the light bottle.” Dark Cacao suggested, crossing his arms. “Oh, right.” Pure Vanilla simply responded. And even though we got a ‘pseudo-group attack’ last episode, the producers just felt like feeding their little FAILURE of a middle child every once in a while. So yeah, I guess we have ‘group attack fr fr!’ (Yup. I'm using that as the attack name.) WAPOW BANG SCHBANG the bucket monster flew into the sun and disintegrated.

“Oh. Well rip Jimmy. At least the roof is finished!” Shadow Milk says, throwing his arms in the air, as the entire roof of the penthouse was now a trashy neon green.

“You named the bucket monster JIMMY?!” Mystic Flour asked, with her signature ‘return to flour’ stare. "WELLBEFOREYOUGOCOMETOMYSLEEPOVERHERENEXTNEXTWEEK!!!” Golden Cheese says, holding up a silly poster she drew lazily in 2.7 seconds before the two beasts blink away. “I took time drawing that poster too and they're not going to give me their social security number, birth certificate, credit cards and IDs? Cookies nowadays!” She says, looking at her epic poster (which was the word ‘sleepover’ and stick figures of the cures).

“We haven't even planned this whole thing out yet how are we suppose to host 5 people when we can't even sustain ourselves!!” Pure Vanilla says, remembering the time when he survived off of pure icecream for about a day before he gave up. “We’re going shopping girls! And you too Dark Cacao i love u bbg” he says, walkin off to the nearest grocery store to buy snacks for the sleepover, completely ignoring the rapidly drying neon green roof. “YAYYYY!!” the others cheer, skipping off into the distance (a grocery store).

Chapter Text

Pure Vanilla was sustaining his unhealthy ice cream addiction in his room until he got a SUPER AMAZING IDEA!!!! He whipped up his super preppy phone with probably a KAWAII SKIBIDI decoden case and texted the group chat. “HEY STALKERS!!! I HAVE A SUPER EPIC IDEA FOR THE SLEEPOVER NEXT WEEK HEHEHEHHEHAHJWKWJWJ” he typed, foaming at the mouth. He abandoned his ice cream and just got dressed and booked it to the PreCure Clubhouse of Awesomeness™©.

“HUFF PUFF SMUFF.” He panted. “COME HERE. NOW." He texted the group chat. In about 20 minutes, the other four walked onto the path leading up the clubhouse, looking less disheveled than Pure Vanilla. “You should stop running so much lil bro or at least get like an exercise coach because you look like you're about to faint.” Hollyberry said, concerned about Pure Vanilla’s questionable lifestyle. “I. Have. An. Idea.” he said, in a ✨✨sassy✨ tone as they walked into the clubhouse. “LET'S STUDY!!" He said, the sun shining through the windows onto him like he was having a Disney princess moment. “We can just do that at school.” White Lily said, confused as what the flower PV was yapping on about.

“NUH UH NO NO NO NO NO. I mean we research those beasts.” he said, sitting down at a table and pulling out his laptop from the depths of his wig. The other four just agreed with him and peeked over his shoulder at the screen, because he has won 55 rounds of Russian Roulette before and he was kind of trigger happy. Pure vanilla just started smashing the keys faster than a project Sekai player who drank 12 cups of caffeine. “generic precure beast villain people” he types. Some photos pop up, including sexy Shrek and Grimace. But there conveniently was a… Fandom page for the beasts, from a website called precureprecurexyz.sigmafandom. Completely trustworthy, right? “Let me see. get tf out” White Lily says, pushing Pure Vanilla out of the chair and sitting on it herself. She clicks on the link, and it led to a generic fandom page named “gay ass cookie beasts page”. The copyright read Herta space station© 2025. There were some… Actually well drawn depictions of the beasts and their former precure forms.

“oh my blue why did they eat that crumb up” Lily says, looking at the photos.

“Were they aura farming as middle schoolers or something?" Hollyberry asked.

“Slay." Dark Cacao said simply. “Their names were so much cooler than ours too like erm what the sigma." he was literally robbed but I ain't changing his name because he doesnt deserve it lmao. There were some ads in the corners because Herta has this side hustle. ‘Who’s gorn and why do we have to pay him?’ the cures thought looking at the ads. They didn't want to click to find out. “Wait, is that their socialmedia123 handles??” Golden Cheese said, pointing to some hyperlinks.

“Who made their @s because they look like SHIIIIIIIT.” Golden Cheese said. (Let's say they're something like @/mikufromshein @/BURNJAJAJJAAHHAHAH @/return2flower @/happyhappyhappy and @/dotdotdot. (I'm sorry for whoever actually owns those accounts lol)

White Lily clicked on some of the links. GYATT DAMN they had like 2763 posts each. Shadow Milk mostly just made cancel posts and spreads misinformation, Burning Spice would start wars in the comments section, Mystic Flour just mostly posted Chinese Proverbs. On the occasion she doesn't, she just says something along the lines of ‘FLOURFLOURFLOURFLOURFLOUR’. Eternal Sugar reposted mostly cute and pink aesthetic images, and Silent Salt didn't post anything. At all. “What a dysfunctional family.” Pure Vanilla commented.

Meanwhile, in the Pillow Fort of Loserness, the beasts were daring each other to do stupid shit and making a hear me out cake with a pillow because they couldn't afford a cake. “Ahem so y'all hear me out on grimace and shrek ok they're basically like SOOOO smexy” Shadow Milk was rambling. “Man fuck off go sulk in ur child labor factory or some crumb” burning spice said, exasperated because SM had been yapping for 4 minutes straight already. “PHEH. YOU GUYS CLEARLY DON'T APPRECIATE MY SOPHISTICATED IDEAS." Shadow Milk said, pouting. He then proceeded to put his dumb fucking hat on and backflips away from the group, seemingly going towards his factory chain for who knows why. “So now that that TWINK is gone… you guys wannna watch some precure or some shit?” Burning Spice says, twirling the dirty tv remote like a boss. “Oven yeah.” Eternal Sugar and Mystic Flour agree, and Silent salt flashes a thumbs up.

“HMPH. GRUMBLE GRUMBLE.” shadow milk says as he storms off dramatically away from the near-collapsing fort. “MAN WHY ARENT WE BESTIE WESTIES LIKE THOSE BLUE DAMN PRECURES.” He pulls out a broken photo frame from his weave like his fine shyt pure vanilla did. He started sobbing loudly on the floor outside the fort and faceplanted into the rock path. “Ow my perfect face” he said, then started crying again. “WAHHH I JUST WANT MY POOKIES BACK WHY CANT WE JUST MAKE UP AND FROLIC IN THE FIELDS I MISS MY OLD DAYS!!! OH MY DAYS!!!” He whined, kicking his feet and breaking the eardrums of any living organism nearby. “BRO SYBAU— oh.” Mystic Flour said, walking out and bringing out a belt made of flour, until she saw shadow milk pathetically hunched over old photos soaked in salty shadow milk tears. “Erm… im not the BEST at therapy… I did psychologically traumatize that black bitch… (DONT SUE ME) but erm… it’ll be ok.” Mystic said, patting shadow milk on the back (with the belt. gently.)

“uh… you seem to be missing that warm EUGH… CUDDLY FRIENDSHIP thing, huh?” Mystic said, convulsing at the mere thought.

“I MISS BEING A MAGICALLY SPARKLY PRETTY PRINCESS WAHHH” Shadow milk cried, doubling down on the theatrics.

“SIGH. how about we just erm… get u a therapy lesson with pure vanilla or someone.” Mystic flour said, crouching to pat him on his stupid ass hair.

“OH MY MILK FACTORY, NO.” Shadow Milk exclaimed as the other 3 beasts came out beause they were kinda concerned. They might be villians but they are still KIND of caring when their ‘colleague’ is bawling his cookie eyes out. Burning spice picks up the soggy photos and frowns. “Why the roots, rhizomes, stems, leaves, bark, flowers, fruits, and seeds do you… have these?” He asked, pointing to the photos.

“I… I…. WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Shadow Milk cried again, as the other four started consoling him. “I JUST WANT US TO BE FRIENDOS AGAIN I NEED MY POLYCULE BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” He tried to calm himself down, but he was still hiccupping a lot and doing regular sad people stuff because he’s getting his character development!!! “Well but the magical gworl life treated us like crumbs like why were we publicly shunned we were fucking 10 years old.” Eternal sugar said.

“YEAH BUT GIRL ITS THE BIG 25 THEYRE JUST GOING TO MAKE EDITS OF US AND CALL US DIVAS.” shadow milk said, finally shutting the fuck up and thinking. “I wanna precure again ts pmo 💔 we’re literally just arguing like an abusive household since we corrupted”. (Imagine that meme of a wolf in the corner and two other wolves arguing or something) “yeah but what about… ahem. Those guys. The mma precure?” Mystic flour whispered.

“Mma? They know martial arts??” Burning spice asked, getting turned on by the thought. “Uh… no. it stands for magical middle age or some shit idk i stole that name from a youtube video.” Mystic responded.

“Yall wanna make monsters of the week now? Im thinking… cuddly teddy bear that spreads happiness and shit.” Eternal Sugar said, hovering slightly and holding up her ball™. “Let me come with you wife.” Shadow Milk said, kneeling before her. So they took their honda civic and drove off.

“We should totally precure again. We would eat that shit up and steal screentime.” Silent Salt signed. “oven yeah.” The other two agreed.

Meanwhile, the og five were still researching. They had about 69 tabs open by now, and all 5 were sitting close to the computer. I wonder how much they had found out— aaaand they’re playing video games. Great. “Remember our roof? Its still green by the way. What the shart are we going to do about THAT.” White lily brought up. “Just leave it. I LIKE IT!” Hollyberry said.

“Is it just me or did it get REALLY hot in here?” Dark Cacao asked. The other four stammered, blushing like ‘woah, are we getting proposed to by THE dark cacaoasasas?!’ Suddenly, some lava rushes in from the doorway. “WHAT THE FLIPPITY FLOOP?!” Pure Vanilla screamed, and got on the table. “EVERYONE FOR THEMSELVES. WE’RE ABOUT TO BAKING DIE IN THIS HEAT!” He says, shaking erratically. “Get it? Baking? Because ovens are hot and—” he was interrupted when the other 4 just started to transform.

With the power of timeskips and anime logic, the five cures just left the PreCure Clubhouse of Awesomeness™©. Eternal Sugar and Shadow Milk looked aghast, as they… accidentally summoned a giant flamethrower. “Now how the cacao bean does this just HAPPEN?!” Dark cacao asked. “guys this time we actually want you to kill the monster because nah what the FRICK is that.” eternal diabetes said. “Idk u tell me” hollyberry said as the flamethrower spins wildly. “Shoowhopslophop." it said as it committed arson. Our taxes are going to go even higher, to the beasts’ dismay, because they tried to commit tax evasion once but the IRS showed up at the pillow fort of Loserness.

Shadow milk pulled out a glass of mystic flour’s renowned Flour Shake, just casually watching the cures destroy the land around them. “Let's commit some murder then, guys. (With love and friendship!!)" pure vanilla said happily as he loaded up a shotgun and started to fire it. Wapow bang bang bang or whatever sounds shotguns make. “AIGJSIAIKFBEJK.” The sentient flamethrower cried because it was being pelted by some of its distant relatives. “LETS GO BISCUITS LETS GO” pure vanilla said as the flamethrower cutely fainted.

“I don't know if they're better or worse than us 😨😨” eternal sugar said, somewhat amused by watching the cures power up. “Uhhhh… Precure magical group attack fr fr!!” the five cures said together as they pelted the monster with lasers that glitter force would be deathly allergic to. Because it was SUPER epic (and they didn't want to die by lasers like the monster), eternal sugar and shadow milk clapped awkwardly. “Hip hip hooray!!!” they said awkwardly, then just disappeared.

“I love our great alliance with the villains right guys.” pure vanilla said, only to be met with silence. “It’s definitely… a relationship.” hollyberry responded a few seconds later, mentally taking notes to take pure vanilla to a psychiatrist.

Back at the pillow fort of loserness, shadow milk was completely desensitized of emotion. “Did you like what you saw or something?” Silent salt signed. the TV was playing the kimi to idol precure theme, which didn’t help. Shadow milk just faceplanted onto the couch, and slid off like a sad little leaf. “We really gotta go to that sleepover or my little milky poo is gonna cry for eternity” burning spice said.

“SLEEPOVER??? WHEN HEN WHENE HENWH” eternal sugar said, foaming at the mouth about the mere mention of sleep. Shadow milk stood back up. “Does this mean i get to see my amazing alpha bf again????” he said, jumping up and down like some hyper jack in the box or something. “Should we leave him behind?” mystic whispered to the other three, who were just shocked at how this guy became the self-proclaimed ‘sigma leader’ of the group.

Then, the tv cutely explodes. “What the sigma?!” burning spice cried, so unhappy he couldnt watch his precure and barbie movies anymore. The others just stared in shock, wondering why the hell they still live like this.

Chapter Text

The five cures (idk what to call them because theyre not ‘ancients’ here lol) are waiting in the park or something for the beasts to come because they figured that the beasts would probaby crash their car into the house. Well i guess they didnt plan for them to crash INTO the park as well. The ✨honda civic✨ flew threw the air, possibly being the new biggest cause of deforestation. It did like 3000 cartwheels before landing wheel-first onto the floor.

Surprisingly, unlike everything else in the beasts’ life, it didn’t burn and explode. The beasts (in their disguised forms, because they would probably make children cry if they didn’t) just hopped out of the car and smiled casually like it was another normal day. “Can we party now.” sparkling sugar asked, holding up a candy sparkler she made with the power of lesbianism. “Oh scissor me timbers” hollyberry said, impressed by her skills. “Enough flirting, lets go.” dark caca said, leading the way to the clubhouse of awesomeness™©.

One timeskip later i was too lazy to write, the 10 cookies were sitting in the attic trying to summon the god of money. “Oh dear lord of crystals and rainbow cubes may we PLZPLZPLZPLZPLZ have 2763 million dollars” they chanted, before realizing that they were not here to do that stupid shit. “Oh right we’re here to like talk and shit.” pure vanilla realized. He then pulled the rock candy sparkler out of sparkling sugar’s hands. “ALRIGHT BUDDY FESS UP WE KNOW YOU DID IT.” he said, pointing the sparkler like a taser. “OK WE’RE SORRY FOR RUNNING YOU OVER IT WAS KIND OF AN ACCIDENT!!” incandescent spice said, praying that pure vanilla doesnt set him on fire even though he is fireproof. “Erm say what now” white lily froze. “You ran him over??”

in response, refined flour just showed her a slow mo of burning spice accidentally isekai-ing pure vanilla from episode 14. Everyone paused for a bit, then pure vanilla spoke up again. “No, not THAT. even though you owe me 5 dollars for spilling my drink.” He pulled out a folder from his wig filled with possible outdated facebook and twitter screenshots and info from that wiki page from last episode. He proudly held it out, and all the papers proceeded to fall out.

“Oh yikes” the others said as pure vanilly started to scramble to pick up all the items. “ANYGAYS I’M HERE TO CANCEL YOU ON MY LIVESTREAM.” he said, pointing to a camera with the lens cap still on and a livestream which was unlisted (bless his poor soul i bet he needs it). He fumbled through his folder worse than i fumble with getting bitches. “Alright. So why are u like evil or something man did ur parents leave u at the store once and then u started ur villian arc” he asked. The beasts stared at each other awkwardly, thinking that for once pure vanilla would think about normal things and have a normal sleepover where they gossip and deteriorate their health with sweets. (cannablism yippee)

“uhhh i guess ill talk. Give me that damn mic.” mystic flour said. Pure vanilla handed her the invisible $999 mic made out of air.

“Oh my blue are we getting TWO mystic flour rap sessions in the same month??” bluberrreyy milk said, cherishing the moment.

“She raps??” dark cacac asked, then immediately getting shushed by the beasts. Refined flour took a deep breath as a beat started up, then it immediately stopped. “Did we not explain this to you like earlier u baking dumbass?? Its like…. We’re born as sigma magical gworls, guys and none of the aboves. We turn evil. We evil.” she facepalmed and turned away, not wanting to contaminated by whatever disease the precures had.

“...so yall wanna continue summoning that god of money or some shit” hollyberry asked while the menacing sparkling sugar was holding a stack of yuri manga. “YIPPEE!!!!” the others cheered as they pulled out a ouijia board made out of cardboard.

After one unsuccessful summoning later, the ‘beasts’ were lowkey in their depression phase. “GRRRRRR” they growled diabolically. “Erm what the skibidi” the cures said, lowkey intimidated by the beasts’ w aura. “You guys scammed me!! Again! HMPH >:(“ sparkling sugar said, crying in her yuri manga.

“U MADE MY WIFEY CRY!” the other 4 beasts said at the same time. “IT’S BALLS™ TIME!” They declare, standing up (and trying not to hit their head on the attic roof). “U should really change that name man” dark cacacacca said.

“PFFFTTTTT.” shadow milk said, trying to blow raspberries at him but looked pathetic because he bit his tongue. The beasts then changed back into their BEAST MODE 😈😈😈 and commenced balls time. “Oh shiver me timbers” the cures said and then transformed in the attic. After doing the standard group pose or something, they just stood there awkwardly. “Wanna take this outside or something” white lily asked. And so they jumped out the window and then the beasts (properly) commended BALLS™ time. “Woah!!! This is so stylishly sparkling fantastically magical super cute!!!!” pure vanilla said, as this is the first time all 5 of the beasts did balls time together. (For context, all of the random shit he said are catchphrases from some of my other lead fan cures :3)

The monster of the week did a dramatic zesty growl and the cures shuddered in fear. “OH IM QUAKING IN MY BOOTS THIS IS TOO SCARWYYYY!!! 😭” dark acacacacacca said, shaking. “Boy are u fr right now that is literally a anthropomorphized bottle of whiteout.” golden cheesebird said. “Hey!!!! >:( im still somewhat scarred from when i got arrested by refined flour.”

Meanwhile, the beasts were just sitting on the floor and continuing their dumb hear me out cake (just pretend theres some obscure characters on the cake im too uncultured). After about 3 minutes whole worth of sub-attacks, talks about friendship and other generic precure stuff, the beasts just were sitting on lawn chairs and sipping misty flour’s iconic flour shakes (which if ur curious, tastes like plain yogurt). “Yall wanna see a movie after this or…?” eternal sugar asked the cures, who stopped fighting for a second to nod excitedly. They imediately got thwacked by the monster.

“A.” they ‘screamed’ as this was kind of the norm now. Immediately after, they ended it it with their signature precure magical group attack fr fr. “man icl ts so kevin” shadow milk said, having no clue why they’re still doing this SHIIIIIIIIT. “We’re gonna have a -69$ salary by the end of this month man.” he said, doing that dramatic crying gacha pose. “Thats too bad man. anyways wanna get some ice cream or something??” pure vanilla asked, not being compassionate AT ALL (oh the irony) and waving his shiny credit card around.

The beasts then forgot all about their horrendous working wages and jumped around celebrating. And that, children, is what being a precure is all about.

Chapter Text

The five are chilling in the courtyard like silly billies until a horrendous sound ✨graced✨ their ears. RUWIOAFNUGIFOKJADB HGUHIJLKM,sfanHUIJDL. The sound played from their precure tambourines. “OMG WHAT THE ABSOLUTE FART IS THAT FIRE BEAT” the five said excitedly, because anything can appease them. The so called fire beat started to intensify. “Omg is this the new sigma phonk beat thats trending on cookietok” hollyberry asked, remembering that fire sleep phonk eternal sugar showed her yesterday. She didnt get an answer because suddenly they were teleported without warning.

“OMG ITS STRAIGHTLAND AGAIN” everyone except white lily (who was just annoyed at the others) said. “Guys. Shut the absolute baking utensils up.” White Lily said, planning her assasination attempts on her friends. Suddenly, Elder Faerie appears out of nowhere, being carried on Silverbell and Mercurial Knight’s shoulders. They drop him ‘gracefully’ (he landed on his face) and he gasps at seeing his former wifey. “OMG WIFEY YOU’RE BACK U DIDNT LEAVE FOR 7 YEARS AGAIN” He hugs white lily and starts shaking from fervorous joy. “Oh and its you guys too i guess ur kinda cool too” he says, finally noticing the other 4. (omg character development fr yes yes)

“Uh…. so why are we here like i was gonna play my adopt me” dark cacacacao said, sipping on a cup of milk tea. “Uh yeah come with us. the ‘elemental sigma senpais’ had instructed us to hijack your transformation items because they dont know how to use phones to contact you.” silverbell said. The faeries then guided the five cookies to the ✨elemental alcove✨. “Yall sup gays” sugar swan said, appearing in some fancy ballgown and heart shaped sunglasses. “You’re here because we’re here to loredump randomly on a random episode.” she opens a random portal which leads to what looks like HELL.

“oh my blue am i returning to my homeland or something” pure vanilla says, looking through the portal.

“Erm no but im concerned if thats your hometown.” diabetes goose said. “Yeah ur here to like… experience a ✨flashback✨. Oh right millenial tree and his child is gonna be there so you dont fuck up like you do 24/7. Bye!” she says, as she shoves the 5 into the portal.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” the cures scream as they fall into an uncereminious heap. Millenial tree and wind archer appear out of nowhere but more formally than the cures. “So erm i guess we’re ur tour guides. So uh heres what happened after the last precures fell to the DARKNESS that i FUCKING hate” windywuywueyuwye said, pointing to the hellscape. Everything was burning and some explosions were heard in the background. “This was like 7 years ago, right? I dont remeber all that” golden cheeseballs said. “This is literally a virtual reality depiction. Also we made that shit up lol” millennial tree guy said.

Suddenly the cookies teleported!!! WOAHHH!! They were in the land of the yeasts of the beatstss. “So like yeahhhh this is where they live and shit now feel free to walk around. Also ur basically a ghost so they cant see u” millenial tree continued, not getting paid enough to be a tour guide for some misguided adults. Meanwhile, wind archer was probably texting his wifey fire spirit, saying something like ‘these people are stupid af i could be a better precure than them 😡’.

So the cures all linked arms and skipped off into the DARK FOUL ABYSS that is the land of beast yeast. “Woahhh! Is that the fabled pillow fort of loserness i’ve heard about in the faerietales??” white lily says, looking at the pillow fort of loserness and bringing out her phone to take photos. “Can we go in??” hollyberry asked, glancing in their tour guides’ direction, but they didn’t seem to give a shit about where the five could go. “LETS GO GUYS!” golden chez said, walking into the pillow fort of loserness.

As the cures walked inside, they saw… uh… a sight indeed. The five beaststs were watching rom-coms. They had to buy a new tv when their old one exploded.

“What.” the cures said in unison. “I thought they did… more villian-esque things in their freetime.” dark cacaco said. “You’re talking about the same people who painted our clubhouse neon green and blasted fein on speakers.” golden chez responded, not knowing what she was actually expecting from them.

Meanwhile, the beasts were sobbing over some sappy love story. Shadow milk was shoving his face with popcorn (the others stole some occasionally), burning spice was drawing fanart of angsty ships, mystic flour just sat there and watched, eternal sugar was imagining her doomed yuri scenarios, and silent salt’s reaction couldn’t be gauged, but the cures thought they were crying under their armor.

“So… yall wanna watch with them? like this is a once in a lifetime watch party opportunity!!!” pure vanilla said, ever the optimist of the group. “YEAHHH!!’ the other 4 said, and they sat on the floor of the pillow fort, just watching with the beasts (who couldn’t even see them, but it’s the thought that counts).

About 2763 seconds later, the movie ended, and the cures stepped outside, where old tree and green bean were waiting. “That took u a while. You could have went anywhere but u watched a movie with your enemies??” the green boi said, flabbergasted at the combined stupidity of the group. “Anyways, lets just head back. Our budget cant sustain this trip for much longer.” millennial tree said, summoning the portal back.

All the cookies stepped back into the elemental alcove place thingy. “We need to ask the government for better funding because what the heck was that virtual reality thing” sugar swan said, looking at her reports (conviently titled ‘progress on being a good precure support character’). She then looked back up at the confused cures. “Uhhh right u should go back now. Ta ta.” she waves the cures away, bored. The 5 just took that as a cue to leave. They use the charm thingy and teleport back to the courtyard by the clubhouse of awesomeness.

But looking at the house it looked…. Greener than before. Yup. The whole house was painted now, not just the roof. “Oh i bet it was that knockoff smurf milk guy!!” hollyberry said, fuming that the house has lost value. But she had to admit, it looked… unique. Like one of those modern art pieces.

Meanwhile, nearby at Strawberry Crepe’s cake shop™, Crystallized Salt and Refined Flour just ordered a giant 4 tier cake for them to eat at home, for no reason, just because they felt like it. They suddenly stopped, noticing the silhouette of the cures nearby. “Oh i think they want to square up, huh??” refined flour said, squinting at the cures, who were just looking at the new house rennovation. “Didnt their parents tell them to never to mess with the cool kids on the block??” crystallized salt replied. “Hmph. i think it’s a sign to commence balls time.” refined flour says, pulling out her BALL™ with the name that’s so long that i’m not typing it.

The two beasts transformed back into 👿 BEAST MODE 👿 and commenced balls™ time. “Why do i feel like there’s something bad going on behind us??” white lilyytlyiltiy said. The five then turned around to see mystic flour and silent salt getting FREAKY. As in the monster was really freaky, dont get the wrong idea. “Woah!! What the freak??” pure vanilla said. Then the five transformed while silent salt and mystic flour just ate small slices of the cake. “Oh this tastes like pink flour. Im sure our pookie wookie burning spice would love this.” mystic flour says, taking small bites out of her slice. “Don’t you mean strawberry??” silent salt signed. “Same thing.” mystic flour rolled her eyes apathetically. (random fact drop: apparently pink flour can taste like sweet potatoes.)

The cures then finished transforming. The first thing they noticed was the cake. “How’d you afford that?? Arent you guys dirt broke??” golden cheeseits said.

“It was free because the owner felt bad after u guys basically harassed burning spice and eternal sugar the other day” cystic wheat said, shrugging. The FREAKY monster then screeched so loudly everyone’s wigs almost flew off.

“Calm that thing down man did u feed it like 10 kilograms of caffeine and rainbow cubes??” dark cacacacac said. “WHAT THE FUCK IS A KILOGRAM???” golden cheese yelled at him, asking him to speak AMERICAN like a normal cookie (which he is not).

While they were yapping about measuring systems, the monster just knocked them out because it has common sense. “Did all the paychecks go to the monster’s brain cells instead of the beasts’???” white lily asked, kind of impressed by the monster. “Can we shut the bake up and just free those two idiots??” hollyberry asked, kind of exasperated by all these useless filler episodes. “Okie dokie!!!!” whitelily says cutely, as she fucking blows the monster’s arm up. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA 😨” dark accacacacacca and yellow cheesecake say as they fly off into the horizon. “Well i guess i’ll go get them back…??” hollyberry said, running off and leaving them lesbians pure vanilla and white lily just standing there while the FREAKY monster cries over its arm.

After about 0.432 seconds, hollyberry comes back dragging bronze yogurt and disastrous chocolate. “Mmm scrumptious” mystic flour says as she finally finishes her small cake slice (which took her about 10 minutes to eat). Meanwhile silent salt just has frosting slightly smeared over their helmet. If only they thought about taking it off first. (just say a black hole spawned on their helmet and thats how they ate it.) anyways, the cures finish it off with their ‘magical precure group attack fr fr’ or whatever i decided to call it.

“Aw rats i kinda liked that guy” silent salt signed, receiving a ‘return to flour’ gaze from mystic. “Don’t tell me you named that monster something like timmy.” she says, remembering the bucket monster named jimmy. Silent salt just stayed silent and slowly shuffled into their honda civic with the cake box. Mystic flour followed suit, and the two just casually drove out without another word.

“Aww theyre such sweet friends!!!” pure vanilla said, amazed at their ‘act of friendship’ while the others looked at him like ‘wtf if this guy on because i want some’ for the 100th time this month. They then detransformed, linked arms and skipped away into the horizon, probably not caring about all the cars that almost crashed into them as they ignored all the red crosswalk lights.

——————
Delicious preview time
SM: next time on…!

BS: hey we’re doing the preview! Also we didn’t kidnap the cures this time!

(awkward silence pursues.)

MF: this next episode is going to be centered on us.

Ss: (sodium chloride yeah im taking that extra screentime)

Es: yeah… all we do is stupid tiktok trends and cry over shitty movies, yeah.

Sm: oh the goals of a perfect friend group!

(even more awkward silence.)

Mf: accquaintances at best, probably.

Bs: SEE YOU GUYS NEXT TIME BAIIIIII!!!!! ^_^

Chapter Text

Continuing from last episode, the beasts were watching more shitty low quality movies. They were even sobbing more than last time, so it was surprising they didn’t cause a flood yet. All of the popcorn shadow milk had was all soggy by now. “Guys i dont like this villain stuff anymore it was fun when it started but this is just depressing” shadow milk sobbed, turning off the TV, seemingly pouring out his feelings out of nowhere. “Ts pmo” mystic flour said in response, but no one really knew if she was agreeing or disagreeing. Burning spice, suddenly with a rush of ideas, started drawing in his lil sketchbook.

“Where are we going to keep all our stuff without suspicion though?” eternal sugar asked, pointing to her tens of thousands of yuri manga and candy, and some of the others’ things. “We literally HAVE our own house. Where do you think our children live??” mystic flour said, forgetting about the others’ short term memory. (Nutmeg tiger, black sapphire and sugarfly are unpaid babysitters) “OHHHHH!!!!!!” eternal sugar, shadow milk, and burning spice said, their 4 braincells working overtime. “We need to give mystic a cut of our salary because she’s the only thing keeping our ‘group’ together” silent salt signed. Mystic flour then ‘happily’ accepted her ‘raise’ (which was just a mere few pennies, but it was the thought that counts). ‘I hope all of this money can go to fundraising shadow’s therapy’ she thought. “So whats that about depression and… therapy?” eternal sugar asked, seemingly having read mystic’s mind. “Erm right shadow milk is getting his character development arc everyone cheer” she responded, and everyone clapped awkwardly. Suddenly shadow milk stood up with confidence.

“AHEM >:( Guys. I’M MOVING OUT. I’m DONE >:( HMPH.” He grabbed his bags of PV merch and other stuff and stormed out while saying “grumble grumble”. The other beasts just stared in stunned silence as the sound of bags dragging faded. “Are we following him or what?” burning spice asked. “Eh, we can wait a bit.” eternal sugar responded, turning on the TV again to put a show on.

Meanwhile, shadow milk was huffing and puffins while dragging his 27.36 pound baggage. He then shoves it into the back of the honda civic, and drives off. Guess the others have to walk if they wanna go back to crispia now. Or they could just use the monster truck from episode 14. Anyways, i guess shadow milk is driving to the beasts’ shared cripsia house. The radio has been stuck playing fein for about a month now because eternal sugar put it on and no one has bothered to change it back.

Anyways, shadow milk arrives in crispia as the song finishes for the 3rd time. And uh i guess he arrives at the beasts’ shared house, which was actually at least 10 times better than the damn pillow fort they were living in. It was kind of a small house, but it was paid by dark enchantress, so they didn’t really mind. Shadow milk parked smoothly (it was not smooth at all) and unloaded his stuff. He used his spare key to open the door and was met with a sight indeed. Sugarfly, Nutmeg Tiger, and Black Sapphire were all huddled in a corner, terrified, while Cloud Haetae, Candy Apple, Capsaicin, and Pavlova bounced around. I guess it wasn’t a good idea to give them kids rainbow cubes. “Uh… hello??” Shadow milk said, too scared to walk in with the fear of getting crushed by a hyper cookie kid.

“OHMAHGOSHOHMAHGOSHOHMAHGOSH” they said, rushing up to shadow milk like little kids seeing a cool family friend again. “DID DAD FINALLY SEND ANOTHER LETTER AGAIN??” Capsaicin asked with lava tears in his cookie eyes. “Letters…?” shadow milk wonders. Last time burning spice sent a letter to capsaicin was about new types of hot sauce that he thought he’d like. (The rest of the letter was filled with scribbles and one sentence asking if he finally got a partner yet.) Shadow milk didn’t get time to respond before candy apple tackled him. “OMG UR FINALLY BACK WANNA READ MY MLM FANFICTION I WROTE?” Black sapphire tried to restrain her, but i guess the power of yaoi jesus gave her strength. “GUYS SHUT THE BAKE UP IM NOT HERE FOR YOU GUYS.” shadow milk screamed, making everyone go silent.

Sugarfly, black sapphire, and Nutmeg tiger just hugged each other, accepting the fact that shadow milk might go ‘OH ITS GONNA BE FUN’ and kill them all. Instead, the blue twink just sighed. “Im moving in. i’ve… changed.” he walked into a spare bedroom, and started to sob into the pillows. “Maybe we should just leave him alone for a while.” cloud haetae said, hearing his 90-decibel cry. The other residents in the house nodded in agreement.

After listening to his cries for 2763 seconds, nutmeg tiger couldn’t take it anymore. “That’s it. I cant listen to this guy yap anymore. Im calling the great destroyer™.” she pulled out her cookiephone65 and dialed burning spice. “COME HELP NOW.” she said before hanging up.

Less than 7 seconds later, a loud BOOM was heard. It was the giant stolen monster truck, and mystic flour was driving while the others feared for their lives. They aggressively parked in the driveway, and opened the door slowly and gently.

“Aww are we moving? I LIKED the pillow fort!!” eternal sugar said.

“Probably the first and last time someone’s gonna say that.” Mystic flour replied. “Anyways, where’s that knockoff furina copy?” She wonders, even though his loud ass sobbing is EXTREMELY audible.

“Guys he might be where the extremely loud yappy crying is but im not sure 🤯” burning spice said, pointing to the room where shadow milk is crying out all his milk. They scuttle to the room, leaving the children and their babysitters behind. “Wanna bet on what they’re doing in there?” black sapphire asks the others, putting a mic up to the door.

Anyways, in the room, shadow milk was still sobbing his heart out. (somehow, he hasn’t ran out of tears yet.) The other beasts gave him popcorn. “If u dont wanna be evil so bad u could just tell us yk??” burning spice says. “YOU GUYS LITERALLY SAID IT YOURSELVES THAT WE AREN’T FRIENDS.” Shadow milk cries, playing a recording of the last episode preview. “You know what lets put in our two week notice right now” silent salt signed.

“Uh… im gonna hold ur hand as i say this but erm… dark enchantress texted us. Quote ‘after this monster of the week ur FIREDDDDD.’ unquote.” eternal sugar says, looking at the FRESH 🤌 text.

“What the roots, rhizomes, stems, leaves, bark, flowers, fruits, and seeds?!” burping lice screeches. “I think we just got fired, dumbass.” mystic flour says.

“Oh. whos gonna pay for my extravagant starbucks orders and my precure merch now?” shadow milk says, on the verge of tears once more, even though his eyes are literally dried out by now. “Let’s just do the last summon now and move out tonight.” silent salt signs.

“YEAHHHH!!!” the others agree, stepping out of the room. “Okay, kids we’re going on a field trip!” eternal sugar says to the kids, unbeknownst that they heard everything. “Uhm… ok?” they agree, following their parents out.

Meanwhile, at the local park, the cures are like… playing sports or something. “Oh, it’s such a nice day out! Nothing can ruin this amazing day with my bestie westies!!!!” pure vanilla said, drinking a chocolate milkshake. That was until the evil oogly boogly milkshake destroying monster showed up. It snatched his milkshake and ate the whole thing including the cup. “WHAT THE VANILLA BEAN I PAID FOR THAT.” pure vanilla said angrily.

“Guys i think it’s kirakirala time 😃” golden cheese said, already preparing to transform. “What the bake is a kira kira lalalalla.” hollyberry asked, confused. Then they transformed, WOAHHH!!!! the five beasts just sat at a picnic table nearby, not really giving a shit anymore because they literally just got laid off. They were about to pull out a board game until they got flashbanged and their game got burnt to a crisp. “Can you guys stop flashbanging us?? This is the second time already.” burning spice asked, kind of exasperated.

“Uh… NO 😝” dark acaccacacac said.

“Wait gang did u realize that like we’re basically like super powerful and crumbs now like we could just flick this monster and it’ll baking die” golden cheese said. She then demonstrated by flicking the monster. And it did absolutely nothing.

“Erm what the bake was that supposed to do heh” shadow milk smirked in a really freaky way. The cures then just blasted it with their magical precure group attack fr fr. “well damn ok 😨” shadow milk said, kind of just over it already. “Welp it was nice seeing you guys. Even if we burnt all your games.” hollyberry said.

“...likewise. We literally just got fired.” mystic flour responded, with that signature deadpan look in her eyes. “Niiiice!” The cures said, detransforming. Then the 5 skipped away casually.

“I like them. They’re like us but more normal.” eternal sugayr said. Suddenly, the godly blue from the land of (conveniently named) blue sky kingdom said “hey u know what would be really funny?” and decided to like shoot some magical precure transformation devices at the beasts. (Idk i never actually watched hapcha)

“oh my blue what the cure is that” mystic flour asked, looking at the 5 new pieces of merchandise we’re going to exploit for money.

“Is that a flamethrower?” burning spice asked. “Uh… what?? No its literally a knockoff of a heart juicy mixer™.” shadow milk said, looking at the transformation thingies. Use your imagination, i dont wanna describe it.

“Chat is this our redemption + character development arc????!!!” eternal sugar said, taking photos of the devices. “Guys literally the first rule of precuring is that you dont baking reveal ur identities u baking losers” silent salty salt signed. “Oh!!! 😜” eternal replied, putting down her phone. “So what do u guys wanna do now??”

“first, let’s baking get rid of these BEAST modes. I feel like we were robbed by the character designer.” mystic flour says. They didn’t look bad, but we need some reason to change them back to their civilian forms. So like with a bit of MAGIC they did a KIRAKIRA DURESU CHENJI. And then the episode ends on a cliffhanger cuz i lowkey dont wanna continue this scene for another 10 lines. THE END!!!

——————-
This isnt very relevant but I want to include this random scene where golden cheese jumps pure vanilla

Pv: next time on…!

Wl: i guess we have competition now…

Dc: this is still OUR show, got that? (He holds up the ita bag of his merch again.)

GC: yeah, thats why the show is named after us.

Hb: anyways… uhhh yeah massive cliffhanger episode again. You guys probably get what we mean.

Pv: its the mid season debut. Are u guys stupid

Gc: thats rich coming from you. Also that was pretty obvious.

PV: YOU WANNA FIGHT? U WANNA SQUARE UP???

Gc: no one EVER said that. Also you would lose in a second.

PV: GRRRRRR. THATS IT!!!

DC: see you guys next week.

(The sound of pv getting beaten up by gc is audible in the background.)

Chapter Text

Pure vanilla is sustaining his love for ice cream again. Last time, he forgot to put the ice cream back in the fridge and it melted all over his bed. Icky. he is laying on his bed, staring at his ceiling and eating ice cream. ‘Man i wonder how my wife and my other wife and my other wife and my other wife and my other wife are doing.’ he thinks, wondering how the beasts are doing ever since they got fired. He cant help but feel kind of bad, because he did think that their pillow fort was FIRE. “eh, whatever. They’ll live off their $2.76, right? Anyways i gotta go hang out with the girlies (And dark caca).” he said to his imaginary audience, then hopped out of bed, not forgetting to put the ice cream away this time. He got dressed with the power of precure logic and kicked down the door to outside for emphasis. He then ran (which is never a good idea) to the shopping center / mall thing and surprise surprise, he was actually NOT the last one for once. His cutie patootie most precious wifey was there. “Omg hi dark cacacacacaco!!!!!” he said, running up to his precious babygirl and hugging him.

To any bystander it looked like two reunited lovers making out. “Man what the fuck i just wanted to go shopping these PESKY QUEERS are ruining everything 🙄🙄🙄” some random bystander says to themself. They immediately got obliterated by an orbital laser. Anyways… The girlies finally arrived.

“Who wants to waste money that they should be using to pay their student loans?!” golden cheese asks, raising her wallet like a treasure. “MEE!!! ME! ME!!” the other four cheer, raising their wallets in unison. Man these people are crazy. They then did their signature arm link and skipped happily into the mall.

Meanwhile, in the shared house which i dont have a name for yet, the little children were going hyper because blueberry milk and sparkling sugar gave them A LOT of sweets. “I need to get a part time job man cuz nah i aint living like this.” refined flour says to herself, looking at the mess.

“GUYS SHUT THE ROOTS, RHIZOMES, STEMS, LEAVES, BARK, FLOWERS, FRUITS AND SEEDS UP I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.” incandescent spice said, throwing a flaming pillow at blueberry milk. “I’M OUT OF HERE. MAYBE I’LL LIVE WITH MY OTHER WIFE PURE VANILLA FOR A BIT.” he stormed out, with refined flour following behind. blueberry milk crumpled to the ground. “wAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH.”

Meanwhile, refined flour and incandescent spice got in the monster truck, ignoring blueberry milk’s 90 decibel cries. They drove off to a free therapy clinic because they lowkey need it.

Meanwhile with the cures, they’re sitting at a restaurant having some nice lunch. The topic of the villians came up almost immediately. “You dont think they’re living on the streets begging for money like bratty little kids, don’t you??” pure vanilla asked, half joking and half actually curious. “That… would be kind of sad if it was real.” Golden cheese said, imaging the beasts crying on the streets (which somehow felt in character for them).

“Hey maybe…” dark cacacac wondered, glancing at pure vanilly. “Maybe you could donate one of your 2763 tubs of ice cream to the—”

“OH VANILLA BEAN NO.” Pure vanilla interjected, not even considering the idea. “But maybe we could at least check up on them.” white lily said.

“Do any of us even know where they live?” hollyberry asked, in which no one could answer.

“if u wanna know where they live u should… heh. Check these sources.” a mysterious figure (me lol) says, dropping off a post it note (which landed onto a plate of pasta). The post it note read ‘go to 2763 cookiecookie street 4 answers.’

“Oh how helpful!!! Thank you random stranger-” Pure vanilla started, but I already disappeared into the void. “I guess we have a new adventure then.” dark accacacac said, taking the note.

Meanwhile, at therapy, incandescent spice and refined flour were sitting with a therapist (which was also me). “So we never had a proper childhood and we also got cancelled online and we turned evil and we just got fired.” incandescent explained as i played block blast behind my clipboard.

“Also two of our… friends are probably menaces to society and should be banned from public spaces.” refined added.

“Wow i cant relate. Probably because i am a fucking teen but damn” i said behind the clipboard. “I think what u need is a good dose of magical girl serotonin.” I explained as i wrote something onto a piece of yellowed paper (because lowkey, this story is running on a zero dollar budget). Refined flour took the paper, which said ‘oooh u wanna join the precure so bad ooooh’. “Uh… thank you.” she replied, as she and incandescent excused themselves out. ‘Man i am a GREAT therapist.’ i thought.

About 3 minutes later, the door bursts open. Pv and friends arrived. “So i heard u know stuff about the beasts, huh????” he threatened, holding a rifle to my head. “Oh WOAH WOAH WOAH!!! Slow ur roll there buddy!!” I exclaimed, feeling amused and scared, as it’s not everyday a femboy and his polyamorous partners pull up and threaten to murder you. “They just left. Uh.. due to legal reasons i cannot tell you their location. Now leave, i have to beat my previous block blast score.”

The five then scuttled down cookiecookie street, seeing refined flour and incandescent spice walk down the street for apparently no reason. Suddenly, refined flour turned around. “Oh what the flour?” she asked, as she saw the possibly rabid five cookies rush towards them.

“Is this the end for us???!!!” incandescent spice cried, hugging refined flour like a shield. “Lil bro u better put me down or u will return to flour.” she said. The five cures then crashed into each other and stumbled into a pile in front of the two former beasts. “What the flip.” refined said. “Hhhhhhhh.” they sighed. “GUYS DONT WORRY WE CAN GIVE U OUR CLUBHOUSE U DONT HAVE TO LIVE ON THE STREETS ANYMORE.” pure vanilla said, seemingly like a saint to the two former beasts.

“Man what are u on we have a damn home but sure we’ll take ur house for free” refined flour said. before the cures could take the offer back, the two former beasts already took all their stuff, put it in the car, and drove to the clubhouse of awesomeness. “Theyre not even paying rent?” golden cheese asked as she watched the truck drive off. “What makes u think they can afford that lol” white lily replied. They stood there in silence for about 7 seconds before deciding to run after the truck. (Never a good idea, but they never get any.)

But WHAT THE COOKIE??? A big bad monster suddenly appears. “That wasn’t from THEM, right??” white lily asks, referring to the former beasts who drove away about a minute ago. “They literally said they got fired. I dont think so guys 😨” pure vanilla says, shaking in his boots. “Its precure magical transformation time!!!” they exclaim together. Wow they really need a better catchphrase. The monster scoffs. “Man u guys suck hahahhahah”

“IT CAN TALK???? EUGHHHHH” dark acacaccacac says, terrified at how UGLY its voice is. “Heh. we’ll finish this easily.” pure vanilla says, preparing his upgraded attack thingy. “Sure lil bro” the monster says. When the attack hits. The monster just makes a 🥹 face. “What a nice breeze :D”

“RAUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh.” pure vanilla screams in the background. He tries firing more shots but the monster just spreads its arms out like its enjoying a nice summer breeze. “Maybe u should just stop and let the pros handle this.” dark acaccaca says, staring at pv with a neutral expression. The other 4 just tried their SUPER epic attacks and the monster was just standing there like ‘what a lovely day we’re having.’

“WHAT THE FLIPPITY SKIBIDI SIGMA IS GOING ON???” hollyberry exclaims. The monster then just knocked all of them out with one flick. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA” they scream as they just land in a pile on the floor. For extra measure, the monster wrapped them all in the EVIL DUCT TAPE© and put 3 cages around them. “HEH. JOB. IS. DONE.” it said. “Are we gonna die or something or just stay here forever?” golden cheese asks. “Erm idk man im gonna go get some fries.” the monster says, walking off.

But its path was blocked by 5 glowing lights. “WHAT THE MONSTER MAKING MACHINE?!” it wonders. “Who are these DIVAS??” the cures stuck in the duct tape wonder aloud. Guys i wonder who these blue, white, red, pink and purple cookies are. What a mystery!!!

“Wait, you guys look different from the leaks!!!” Pure Vanilla says, holding up a photo of the hirogaru sky precures. (Anyways… im not going to be calling them by their cure names so its easier to read 👍) The 5 new precures then casually knock the monster out with the power of violence… i mean friendship and sparkles. “WOAH!!!!” the og cures say from the cages. Refined flour then comes and rips the cages off of the ground. “Now watch us SLAY this monster.” she says, then walks away. “Wait, we’re still stuck in the— and shes gone.” dark caca says as refined flour simply skedaddled away.

Blueberry milk then put on some shades and threw out a magical uno reverse card to purify the monster. “WAIT I HAVE A WIFE AND KIDS NO- AAAAAAAAAAAAAA….” it says as it dies… i mean got purified. The duct tape cocoon holding the og 5 pops open, and the 5 new cures just fucking run for the streets.

“Wait, who were those people?” pure vanilla asks. “Man i have no clue.” the other 4 just say in unison.

———-
PV: next time on…!

Wl: we’re investigating that not-hirogaru-sky precure team. Dont sue us toei.

Dc: does this mean we have to start putting those guys in our crappy producution studio??

(The screen pans out, showing their cramped filming room, with some walls still battered from the bomb from about 3 months ago.)

hb: … maybe, maybe not.

Gc: what’s in these random boxes anyways? It’s not like we’re using them.

(She rummages through the boxes, finding a PreChan mirror, a radio, and a booklet of algebra homework soaked with my tears.)

WL: stay tuned. Also someone get help for the person who cried into that algebra book, they could use it.

Chapter Text

The og 5 are just chilling in the main room of the clubhouse of awesomeness. Refined flour and incandescent spice have moved in to some of the empty guest rooms. The cures politely asked them to leave before, but they just hissed and growled at them like a feral rat on its period.

“Ive been wondering recently…” dark cacacac says, pondering like his emo ass always does, “who were those random cookies from last week’s fight?”

“Oh, i think i know!!!” pure vanilla says, his 3 neurons having their daily exercise break before consuming brainrot reels and eating ice cream again. The other 4 look expectantly at him, and he starts tap tap tapping on his super kawaii phone. “I think… I found them!!!” he says, flipping his phone around to show the others. “Erm what the absolute rizzberry is this.” hollyberry says.

Pure vanilla’s FUCKING DUMBASS pulls up a low quality image of the fucking hirogaru sky precure team. “Are u baking stupid??? Those arent even cookies they’re like… weird fleshy baked goods or something.” golden cheese says, fed up with his stupidity. “Hollyberry, you should bring him to the therapy clinic.”

Hearing those words, pure vanilla went into a manic fit. “NO THERAPY!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!” he (s)creamed at the top of his lungs. The other 4 just stood back and covered their non-existent cookie ears, as his screams could reach 90.01 decibels. “OH MY BLUE SHUT THE BAKE UP.” Refined flour’s voice rang out, causing the entire house to grow cold. Since he didn’t want to die by flour, pure vanilla did what he was told.

“Uh… i guess we’ll leave now.” white lily says, grabbing the other 4 and rushing out of the clubhouse of fucking awesomeness. “Cant have shit in this baking household, i swear to blue.” refined says, flipping her hair in a nonchalant way and walking back to her room, probably to meditate or make ✨chill✨ asmr for her youtube channel.

“Where do we baking go??” dark carcar asks, annoyed that they were kicked out of their clubhouse of awesomeness by some white bitch (/j). “How about we go to the beasts’ crusty home?? Maybe they know something about those magical precures.” pure vanilla says, braincells working for once. “Ohh!!” the other 4 nodded, finally getting his logic. “...Where do they even live?” Hollyberry asks. Suddenly, the very humble fourth wall breaking stickers shone a bright light onto the former beasts’ shared house, and for extra measures, some red arrows pointed to it.

“Oh, how convenient!” The cures say, sprinting towards the highlighted building. Outside said building, blueberry milk, sparkling sugar, and crystallized salt were packing and possibly committing 50 different child endangerment related crimes. The litte children cookies were crying loudly while their unpaid babysitters were about to have a migraine. The three former beasts looked more tired and depressed than a single middle aged man working a 9 to 5 and living in a shitty apartment. Well, the shitty apartment part was kinda true in this context. “Ehem hello fucking losers we’re here to interrogate ur children.” pure vanilla says, going into their house uninvited. “Why the bake are we interrogating their damn children. those kids only know the abcs, addition and subtraction.” dark cacao asks, as pure vanilla grabs 4 of the children by one hand with that signature menacing smile.

“Should we let him kidnap our kids or…” crystallized salt asks, as they watch the og cures drag the rest of the children into a small room. “Man, fuck those kids! we can retire early.” sparkling sugar says, getting in the honda civic with her stuff. “Erm ok whatever u say wifey!” the other two agreed with no hesitation, putting their stuff in the back and driving off faster than the speed of light, leaving their children in the ‘safe’ hands of the precures.

In the living room, the children were kind of confused by the sparkly generic colored adults in the house, and the babysitters were just there because they lowkey could bribe them into paying them for once. “This is daijobu.” sugarfly says happily as the cures slowly corner the little children. “Okay little shits…” pure vanilla starts, holding up a cardboard gun like it’s a real weapon, “what the vanilla bean can u tell me about ur shitty parents. Did they leave to get the milk or were they the type of parents to give u homemade lunches every day?”

The little itty bitty children were just kind of standing there awkwardly, because they didnt want cps to be called on their parents. “Uhhh i love my mom please dont arrest her” cloud haetae says, concerned about the state of these random adults’ mental health. “She drives me to haetae school every day and we go to the spa together every weekend 🥹.”

“That’s… oddly sweet of her.” dark cacao says, remembering the time when she brought them in battle once with her blue damn lofi phonk beats. Pure vanilla moves the gun away from their head and points it at the little flaming cinnamon roll capsiaicisiciscian or however u spell his name. “AAAHHH I CANT DIE HERE!!! I HAVE MANY BITCHES TO GET!!! I’LL DO ANYTHING JUST DONT ARREST ME” he screams loudly, in an attempt to cause a fire, just like his dear father. “Ok lil bro chill just tell us how ur dad treats u and like about his ✨pizzaz magic✨.” golden cheese says, feeling as if pure vanilla wa just trying to torment these children for fun.

Still suspicious about these random gays who entered his house and tries to KIDNAP him, Capsaicin reluctantly answers. “Incandescent burning spice is a very berry cool dad he cooks bbqs every month… even if he puts too much hot sauce in it for the others sometimes. And about the magic, all i know is i was born with the power of pretty princess magic when he was only 17. Oh the woes of teenage pregnancy. He turned evil and shit and now we live in this house.”

“Oh, speaking of—” Black sapphire spoke up, having been secretly recording for his podcast. “Blueberry milk texted me something about some ‘ruinious thaumaturge’ not funding the house anymore, and he says its about to blow up in… about 28 seconds.” After those words, the cures, the children and the other babysitters just stood in silence for about 27.9 seconds, and then the house exploded with some bass booted fart sfx. As the debris soars through the sky like a ballerina on steroids, pure vanilla casually points the cardboard gun towards his next victim, candy apple.

Meanwhile, with the three former beasts in the honda civic, they were playing fein on the speakers. Blueberry milk was driving while crystallized salt and sparkling sugar (tried to) do the macarena to the beat in the backseats. Blueberry milk debated on joining them, and zoned out for a second too long. The car was basically doing a dolphin dive through the air. It landed splat on the green roof of the clubhouse, and sunk through some of the tiles, but was not broken. “Oh my roots, rhizomes, stems, leaves, bark, flowers, fruits, and seeds, what on earthbread happened??” incandescent spice asks, as the three cookies who crashed were basically just hanging out of the car door precariously. “Stop disturbing my beauty sleep, i need to feel pretty for self validation.” he says, as blueberry milk fucking falls out of the car and down onto the bottom floor while the Clarity meme plays. He lands with a splat on the floor, just casually proclaiming to the whole world (the only 5 cookies in the building) that he was going to live here forever.

Meanwhile, back at the rubble of the exploded house, candy apple just was yapping about whatever she wanted now. Pure vanilla was debating if he should try shooting out of the cardboard gun. “...And that is the end of my 2763 page yaoi fanfiction.” Candy apple finished. “Thats… great, but we need you to talk about blueberry milk cookie.” white lily cuts in. Candy blinks. “Oh, that guy. My greatest inspiration behind my stories. I want to be like him one day, working part time minimum wage at a target and crying into my pillow every other saturday. But he’s pretty chill. He tried to kill some kid who bullied me, that was cool.”

“How is any of THIS going to tell us about who the mysterious precures are??” Dark carcano asks, losing his patience. Last but not least, Pavlova cookie spoke up, hopefully having something actually useful. “Precure?? Like our parents used to be before they had their edgy teen phase? I actually heard that they went into ‘villian rehab’ and that they’re trying to precure again!!” The cures’ eyes lit up, finally having something FUCKING USEFUL after about 20 minutes of interrogation. “Wait, so you’re implying that…” Hollyberry starts, but everyone knew what she was talking about. “OH MY BLUE, THEY ARE THE MYSTERIOUS CURES???” Pure vanilla screeches in an unholy way. Surprised that none of them connected the dots, as they barely look ANY different. “Let’s go back to our clubhouse of awesomeness, and interrogate those cookies!” golden cheese declares, running back to said location. “Bye little children!” Pure vanilla says to the children, before handing pavlova the cardboard gun. “Here you go lil bro, since u have to live in the real world now.” He runs after the other cures, leaving the children very confused.

In the clubhouse, refined flour and incandescent spice were struggling to pull sparkling sugar out of the car, who was the last one stuck. The radio that was stuck playing fein was NOT helping. “Ah—!” she says, as she tumbles out of the car window and falls to the bottom floor just as the other two before her. She landed on a prepared stack of cushions laid out as the og precures arrived through the door. “What the absolute BAKE is happening here.” Hollyberry asks, as she sees the MESS that the other cookies had caused while they were gone. The honda civic was still snuggled up tight in the rift in the roof, with small pieces of debris falling off. “Oh, this is going to be a pain to resell eventually.” Golden cheese says, looking at the… absolute masterpiece of modern architecture that this was. “Can we please please please live here too?” Sparkling sugar asks, staring at the og 5 with a cute expression, swinging her legs cutely. “I mean your house did just disintegrate into ashes so I don't think we have a choice." dark cacacacca says reluctantly. ”Yay!!!!" the former beasts cheered, as the honda civic sinks slightly deeper into the roof.

“But we’re not here to talk about your pathetic living situations." golden cheese says. “Are you guys the knockoff hirogaru sky precures from last week?"

“I… Don't know what you're talking about." blueberry milk looks away awkwardly, thinking that they had found out about his cosplaying hobby. “Don't lie. (Even though that's what you do on an unhealthy basis.)” pure vanilla says, about to throw hands. “your children snitched on you and now we know ur those cookies from last week.” he finished, flipping his hair like he just did something that was undeniably iconic, even though he just looked sad and pretentious.

“Well, how can you prove that we’re the…. Relatively remedies?” Crystallized salt said in a sassy tone. Suddenly, a zesty fruity monster roar rung out from outside the house. “Roar!! I’m here to destroy buildings and take HAWT selfies of myself~!!!” The zesty voice said. Everybody in the house cringed and covered their non-existent ears. “What is THAT?!” Refined Flour shouted over the zesty moans and screams, absolutely annoyed.

“It’s relative remedy time!” The og cures say, stepping out of the clubhouse, where a giant walking speaker was rampaging.

“I think someone should take away the monsters’ vocal cords.” Dark Cacacacca says, wincing at the monster’s singing. The og cures transform and rush to defeat the monster like always, but blueberry milk steps in front of them, along with the other 4 former beasts.

“What the floopity floop?!” The cures exclaim, as the former beasts hold out their knockoff heart juicy mixers©. “Why the bake do THEY get guns and we get… tambourines and bottles of light?!” Pure Vanilla complains. “Sybau and just let them have their group transformation.” Golden cheese says.

WOAH YIPPEE GROUP TRANSFORMATION TIME!!! The cures and the monsters get flashbanged, which makes the monster’s stereo audio glitch out. As the bright light fades, the NEW pretty cures strike a fucking dumb pose. Like so fucking dumb that it’s worse than the delicious party pretty cures and it’s a miracle how they managed to come up with that fucking dumb pose.

“Erm who are you guys” the monster asks with a glitching voice. “Wait who even are we lol” sparkling sugar asks, as incandescent spice pulls up a dictionary. “How about uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh uhhhhhhhh virtuous… redemption purikyua” he suggests.

“That sounds absolutely horrible.” Blueberry milk says, sighing. “But its good enough for now i guess. Now lets fight.” They get into an extremely stupid fighting stance. “Uh what about us” white lilylyilyiy asks. In response, sparkling sugar just walks up to her and traces her chin. “Shh babygirl. Let us handle this.”

“This is literally OUR show why do we have all these… DISGUSTING EXTRAS??” not so pure vanilla says in disgust. “Let them cook.” The other 4 say in response, as the new precures beat the monster up. Like imagine the monster laying on the ground and the new precures punching and kicking the shit out of it. “Are we allowed to do anything?!” hollyberry shouts in the background.

Before they can step forward, incandescent spice just slices the monster to death… i mean purification! It was lowkey really cool looking and all the cures clapped in celebration. So basically they transformed for no reason. “Why the bake are your character designs and transformation better than ours… THIS IS OUR SHOW!!” Pure Vanilla screeches, trembling with rage. Before he could go on a 3 hour rant, the other og cures just dragged him back inside while the new ones watched with confusion.

“I dont know if we made the right choice living here or not.” Crystallized salt says, looking at the neon green-honda civic crashed into-clubhouse. “I think we’re stuck here forever now.” refined flour says flatly, accepting her new fate as one of chaos.

————-
PV: Next time on…

(The screen pans out to see all 10 of the precures crammed into the small recording studio)

BM: this is so sigma!

HB: this is [cough] wonderful.

WL: can we just finish filming?? I dont wanna be here any longer.

GC: anywayysss. Next episode is the recap filler episode. That is literally all what the author wrote in the outline.

(She holds a paper with the words ‘RECAP EPISODE WOOO’ printed onto it.)

PV: WHOAH FRIENDSHIP, POSITIVITY AND LOVE YEAH!!

(Everyone looks at him with concerned expressions.)

SS: see you guys next time. Also read my yaoi fanfiction on my totally real ao3 account.

Spoiler: the recap lasts one single line and the rest is basically utter chaos.

Chapter Text

The former beasts are chilling in the clubhouse attic, which brought up some… memories, such as summoning the god of all crystals and coins, and also consuming 2763 pounds of rainbow cubes and shroomies for a FUN PRANK on the original cures. FYI, it was not fun, and dark cacacac beat their asses. They had a multitude of folders (including the ones that pv had in episode 18). There was also a computer open, with the active tab holding the website precureprecurexyz.sigmafandom.

They were doing something REALLY SILLY (vandalizing the wiki, oh poor herta), that was until pure vanilla busted the door down and dragged the five away. Either he was gonna have a giant poly make-out session with them or try to murder them. But to their surprise, he just led them to a big empty room with a lot of plushies and custom sleeping bags that the gang somehow got.

“SLEEPOVER TIME!!! He declares to the five, who were lowkey happy that they weren’t sleeping in some cramped attic this time. Also probably because the Honda civic was partially caving into that section of the clubhouse. “are you sure you’re not going to try to feed us laced shroomies in our sleep?” Sparkling sugar asks, already laying down like her lazy ass usually does.
“would I ever lie to you, oh magical queen of diabetes?” Pure vanilla answers, smirking.

“You would totally do that.”

“you know what, I’ll jump out the window to prove my INNOCENCE.” Pure vanilla stood by the window, back towards the glass. “IM GONNA DO A BACKFLIP OH YEAH 😜” he said, t posing and about to jump (even though the fucking window is still closed) and then blueberry milk just simply pushes his dumbass out the window. His screams faded and the Roblox death sound played.

“So I guess that means no drugs?” Sparkling sugar asks, looking at the pure vanilla-shaped hole in the ground. “Man i wanted to get high. Now im mad.”

After about a minute, pure vanilla tried to ascend the stairs again, but his old age (about 20, so he’s an old ass man) is showing. He almost tripped UP the damn stairs. Oh my blue, he and dark cacaca can be stair tripping buddies!! He was followed by the other ogs, who were prepared to catch him if he fell, even if it meant risking their cookie bones. With the power of anime logic by his side, he summoned their beds from their… houses. (Don’t ask, I’m working as a one person crew.) “It’s time to sleep! Sparkling sugar, the sleep phonk?” Pure vanilla asks, looking towards sparkling sugar.

Sparkling sugar pulled up the sleep phonk onto her youtube music. Immediately, the og 5 already fell asleep, not even IN their beds. “What the baking?” blueberryeryeyyr milk asks, looking at the cookies who were in a heap and snoring annoyingly. He went up to the cookies and gave them a hard hit with a baseball bat he somehow got. They immediately woke up again. “GET BACK TO WORK.” bluebereyryey milk screeches, starting to tweak out.

“Oh, im kind of into this.” incandescent spice says, staring at blueberry milk’s crash out. “Okay hot stuff, do your thing!!”

After about 20 full seconds, blueberry milk simply grew tired. His ass did not want to yell for more than that, as his voicce should be used for more important matters, like yapping and giggling over fanfiction. “Okay, let’s just start this ‘sleepover’... even though it’s only 2:00 in the afternoon.” Right on cue, something accidentally falls out of sparkling sugar’s pocket… an entire 40 grocery bags of candy. “How the baking did you fit all of THAT into your basically nonexistent pockets??” Refined flour asks, flabbergasted. “The power of yuri jesus.” sparkling sugar smiles, as she begins to bite the bag, which was made out of sugar for some reason.

“Sooo uhhhhhh recap episode time woahhh” pure vanilla says. I cant write this scene discreetly help. “What the hell is there to recap?? This shit is boring as hell” dark accacaca says, zoning out to the sleep phonk. “...so, we got fired, turned into magical girls, and live in this clubhouse?” incandescent spice says, doodling in his sketchbook. “Hell yeah we did.” crystallized salt respons, putting on sunglasses that they somehow got.

“Chat, rate my drawing from 69 to 2763.” incandescent spice says, holding up his 1:1 replica of the mona lisa that he drew. “I know it kinda sucks compared to my other art but i tried :\” The other 9 cookies looked at the drawing, knowing nothing could compare to his amazing stick figure drawings, but they had to admit, it was… decent compared to his other ones. “It’s a decent 70.” they respond, as they grab bags of sparkling sugar’s candy that probably has something illegal in it.

It was kind of awkward, as they were all sitting in complete silence, which was occasionally interrupted by the sound of a crinkling wrapper. “Okay, i can’t take it any longer. I’m outta here.” blueberry milk and incandescent spice said at the same time.

“Wait, my babygirls!!” pure vanilla exclaims, as the two jump down from the window, albeit way cooler than he did. Sensing that the GANG was gonna go on a cool adventure like the good old days, the other 3 newbies nonchalantly hopped out the window. “Oh jeepers where are those gays off to??” golden cheese asks. “No idea but they look like they’re ready to slay” dark cacacac replies. “So wanna play monopoly or something?” white lily asks, pulling the game out of some alternate dimension. “Hell yeah!!!” the other 4 replied, and they sat down to play a possibly rage inducing game that would probably end in pure vanilla getting thrown out the window again (but this time not of his own volition).

Outside the clubhouse of awesomeness, the five OTHER cookies stole a motorcycle. “Wanna watch me do a SICK motorcycle move?” blueberry milk asks, leaning on the motorcycle with a ‘:3’ expression. “You literally have never ridden a motorcycle before.” Refined flour says, knowing that even warnings can’t stop the ideas of a hyper and stupid cookie. “CHECK OUT THIS AWESOME MOVE!!” Blueberry said, about to get on the motorcycle, but by an unfortunate turn of events, he SOMEHOW manages to turn on the engine and accelerate the motorcycle, while also NOT being on the actual bike. Yup, his FUCKING stupid ass is holding onto the handle and also being dragged away. I guess the lack of braincells runs in the ‘family’??
“If someone asks, we don’t know him.” Crystallized salt says to the others, who begrudgingly nod before chasing the motorbike.

Back in the clubhouse of awesomeness, the five og cures were fighting and flinging monopoly pieces out of rage. “TAKE THIS KNUCKLE SANDWICH >:(“ pure vanilla says, before trying (and failing) to hit the others. Unsurprisingly, when he went in for his wannabe sky punch move, he… dived out the window. “Dark cacaca i think u have some competition 😨” hollyberry says, staring at the second pv shaped hole in the ground. “What the shart is that supposed to mean.” dark caccac says, about to start hissing and clawing at people. “Okay, dont lose ur marbles caccaca. Lets go save him.” white lilylyly says, before hoisting the other three above her head and throwing them out the window with ✨grace✨.

About 0.2763 miles away, were the former beasts riding in a shopping cart chasing blueberry milk and the motorcycle. “Okay, now just manuever carefully—” Refined flour instructed incandescent spice, who was somehow steering the damn thing. “Well, okay!!” He replies, dangerously cutting through traffic and possibly causing 42 potential car crashes. “I said CAREFULLY u baking dumbass do you want us to die???!!!” refined yapped in anger, with that signature ‘return to flour’ glare. “Fine, whatever, i’ll slow down a little bit.” incandescent rolled his eyes, and slowed the cart only slightly. Now, the cart traveled about 0.2 feet slower. I would totally trust him with being my uber driver.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!” blueberry milk screamed extremely ANNOYINGLY. “OH MY BLUE SHUT THE BAKE UP.” Refined flour snapped, losing her cool. She leaped from the cart like a badass and latched onto blueberry milk. The cookies who were still in the cart clapped for her 10/10 acrobatic performance. She couldn’t do much though, as blueberry milk was thrashing and screaming like a crazy cookie. But in all of his hyper movements, he manages to stop the vehicle, and… the bike falls on its side.

Refined flour and blueberry milk get launched out and hit a wall. The cookies in the cart slowly skidded to a halt after them and hopped out to check on them.

“Chat I don’t think we can survive in the wild by ourselves” sparkling sugar says, remembering that they haven't lived in a proper house for over 5 years. The others stare at the crashed motorbike, which left a hole in the wall of a random house. After the two crashed cookies composed themselves, they all linked their arms and skipped off, leaving the stolen cart and motorcycle on the side of the road.

Back at the clubhouse, pure vanilla had to use crutches to walk, because he thought he was invincible, and so he tried to crumble himself do a sick flip about 42 more times down the stairs. The others just watched him do it like it was an average Sunday morning for them. “Are you sure he's not suicidal or something??" white Lily asks, still eating some of the candy sparkling sugar had left. “That's why we had to restrain him." hollyberry says, looking towards the wall, where they fucking duct taped pure vanilla to. “can we nominate a new leader??" darn cacacacca asks, getting fed up with his pookie’s antics.

Since this filler episode was taking so long, it's the monster of the week time. No reason, but I'm getting bored. The former beasts were skipping back to I don't know where when a giant monster thing appears out of nowhere.

“Aw man why can't we just be friends” blueberry milk says, staring at the monster,which was a package of EVIL glitter. “Glitter force makeover!!! 😃😃😃” the cookies say, transforming. “Oh my monster making machine, not the Americanization!!!" the monster cries. The cures were about to start throwing hands when the monster just gets tackled by the og cures who spawned out of nowhere. “THWACK THWACK THWACK!!" they say, hitting the monster with some pillows they randomly got.

“are they pretending to be us or something?” crystallize salt asks, remembering when they literally jumped a monster about 2 weeks ago. The sounds of thwacking persisted, even though all the glitter spilled out and the monster was probably dead, but at least the streets have been glamified!

“I guess I'll kill the thing now.” refined flour says, pulling out a machete from her hair. “Ma'am this is a childrens’ show—” the others started, and with the power of love, the knife turned into a bottle of hot sauce.

“OOH DELICIOUSMILE!!" incandescent spice says, picking it up and drinking the whole thing while the other nine and even the monster stare at him in awe. “I think I know why he’s banned from the internet now.” golden cheese says.

After he finished the hot sauce, incandescent ate the glass bottle too, because it is a good source of vitamin C. In all the awkwardness, refined flour just shot the monster until it purified with her knockoff heart juicy mixer. But even though it got miraculous ladybug’d, the shiny pink glitter stayed.

“This is so inspirational!!" dark cacacc says, tears in his eyes, as he aspired to be like a pink glittery road for all of his cookie life. “I think you need a lobotomy.” hollyberry says, concerned.

Pure vanilla looks to the former beasts. “I'M SO SORRY FOR ABANDONING YOU GUYS I PROMISE I'LL NEVER DO THAT AGAIN” he says, getting on his knees. ‘What the fuck is this guy on??’ they ask mentally. Maybe the candy he ate was actually shroomies and rainbow cubes. Out of nowhere, he pulls out a box with a ring pop inside. “I promise I'll shower you with gifts or something just never leave us again, because we have to pay your fines for YOUR property damage."

The former beasts glance at each other, knowing that pure vanilla basically wanted to put them on house arrest. Incandescent just swipes the candy ring and eats it before giving an answer. “Sure whatever." he says, bored as hell but tempted by the sweet treat. ‘What the oven did we just agree to.’ refined flour thinks for about the 3rd time this month, as white lily puts cardboard handcuffs on them.

--------
Pv: next time on…

Wl: yet another dumbass filler episode.

DC: oh my blue someone get the author some brain cells.

Bm: don't worry, it means it's going to be even better. Trust me!! 😉😉😉😉

Rf: what he means is do not trust him.

Pv: nah I totally trust him!! I would trust him with my soul!!

Rf: …

Rf: stay tuned. Or not. Idc lol 😋😋

Chapter Text

The gang was at school, although the former beasts had to be chained to each other to stop their property damage shenanigans. But whatever they were doing was more exciting. They were in an empty classroom to ‘study’ after hours, when they were really just doing random shit online. “you know, I’ve always wanted to study a stupid person…” white lily pondered. “literally what is stopping you?” sparkling sugar says, pulling in pure vanilla. “You literally have a perfect specimen right here.”

“AHH LET ME GO!!" he screeched, thrashing wildly. “here, take the measurements, coffee bean man." sparkling sugar says, holding out pure vanilla like he was a cat she found on the road.

“I'm good. Can we go back to playing dress to impress?” dark cacacacca asks, bored.

Just as he was about to log back on to his roblox account, he got an email. Like who uses email anymore old ass man 🙄🙄🙄. It read “LIMITED EDITION COFFEE BEAN SALE BUY NOW AT THE LOCAL SUPERMARKET 100% OFF” He then slammed the computer shut and packed his pretty pink backpack. “Where are you going, my dear data collection?” hollyberry asks. “How the Cacao bean do u mess up my name so badly?" he thinks to himself before replying. “I'm gettin my coffee. My latest obsession is an English tea latte with white chocolate and extra whipped cream.” (iykyk) he get ready to leave, but hollyberry, blueberry milk and white lily tail him. “We want some english tea lattes too!!" they say.

“Fine. But you're paying for your own drinks.” dark cacao says, dragging the three away to his favorite cafe (which was probably run by strawberry crepe cookie). The DIY cardboard handcuffs the former beasts had on broke apart at the ‘chains’, leaving it to be a… Semi-chained handcuff.

“I'm gonna… Go do stuff too." incandescent spicy boi says, about to leave. He felt like watching some good old idol precure with his son, but he's not gonna admit that. He casually broke the chain he was connected to and was about to skedaddle off, when pure vanilla latched onto him, wanting to know more about his peculiar behaviors. “Oh, I need to see THIS!!” golden cheeseburger said, following the two.

That left refined flour, sparkling sugar and crystallized salt standing in the classroom, with the broken parts of the cardboard handcuffs.

“... Wanna go monster hunting?” sugar asks awkwardly, holding up her knockoff heart juicy mixer.

“PRETTY CURE, LIGHT UP!! or whatever idk man”

They transform and do a barrel roll out of the window, hopefully to find some evil mcevil guy or something that summons a NOT ranborg from NOT hirogaru sky precure.

Meanwhile, dark cacacacca and his lil friend group family were strolling to strawberry crepe Cookie's cafe, which was happening to sell some of that DELICIOUS coffee beans that dark cacacacca might be addicted to. Might as well be as bad as pv’s ice cream addiction if he has a shrine of it as well.

“Oh my blue not u guys again. What the crepe do you want?" they say, seeing the four cookies approach the counter.

“C… C… COFFEEE!!!” they all scream.

“I'll get to it right away.” strawberry crepe says, turning around. Every coffee shop should know the secret code word for an english tea latte with white chocolate and extra whipped cream.

While they waited, the gang sat nearby. Since I wrote in my notes about relationship development or something, I guess that's what we’re doing. “So y'all like gambling?" blueberry milk asks. “Gambling is my middle name." whiten lily replies, leaning closer to the center of the table. “your name is white gambling lily? I like it!” hollyberry says, debating a legal name change herself.

“So… do you remember in episode 8 when we gambled with Uno cards?” blueberry explained, shuffling a deck of Uno cards and spreading them out on the table. From behind the counter, strawberry crepe noticed this, and they were honestly quite intrigued. Maybe this could be a method to get wedding cake cookie banned from their cake store.

“Yeah?” white gambling lily responded, looking at the cards as blueberry milk made a cool card tower. “Let me perform a trick of sorts. With pizzazz. And the power of gambling of course." the other three just watched him, not believing his shit.

He did some sick card flourish and literally turned the cards into frisbees which ricocheted off of every surface in the cafe, and almost giving the cookies papercuts… With rice paper??

“Okay, like pick a card or something.” blueberry milk rolls his eyes, offering the deck to white gambling lily. I have never gambled in a casino, probably because I am a teenager, so i have no clue what the shart he is doing.

“Erm okay” white lily says, picking a random card from the deck. Hollyberry and dark cacacacca look at the card she picked, which happened to be the eight of clubs, except the clubs were replaced by images of shadow milk’s plushie. “These aren't even Uno cards what the flower” Suddenly, 10 million coins rain out of the sky onto white gambling lily. “See, I NEVER lie." blueberry milk says, flipping a lock of his… Hair?

“Take ur damn drinks and leave I don't wanna see you guys no longer” strawberry crepe calls to them, setting down their drinks on the counter, remembering their previous encounters with the group. “YAYYYY!!!" The cookies cheer, picking up the drinks while carrying the pile of coins. They probably left a trail of money as they left because they were so generously rich.

Back at the clubhouse of awesomeness, turns out incandescent spice brought all the former beasts’ children and their babysitters/assistants to live in their with them. “You know we should start charging you guys for rent." golden cheese says as incandescent turns on you and idol precure.

“Nah, were broke as hell how do u think we’ll do that??” incandescent asks like it was the stupidest question in the world. “Sir you make about $2K a month from your online art commissions.” golden cheese answers.”Also how the hell did you manage to get unbanned from the internet?”

“You know, the power of redemption and all that sweet stuff. I'm still being watched by the FBI though.”

There was an awkward moment of silence before pure vanilla spoke up. “So hot stuff, you watch precure?" he asked, leaning closer to spicy boi while golden chess just watched awkwardly.

“There are children here." she says as pure vanilla scoots closer to incandescent spice, who awkwardly fidgets. As the sound of the TV show played, Capsaicin noticed this and gave them an awkward look. “Okay, break it up. I might have to put you guys in different rooms.” golden corral says, trying to pull pure vanilla away from incandescent spice.

“Ugh… Fine.” pure vanilla says, returning back to his original seat. They continued watching their idol precure, and the finisher attack was about to start, which means… Song time!

“Kuraimakkusu a watashi!!" the idol precures say. Idk actually because the wiki doesn't have the romanji for this part.

“AAAAAAA I LOVE YOU GUYS” incandescent spice screams, holding up a KirakiLight. “Those are literally fictional characters shut up." golden cheese says, feeling like she’s babysitting the two.

“THEY'RE NOT FICTIONAL I MET THEM BEFORE." incandescent spice says, holding up a Polaroid photo of what seemed to be a red blur, and annoyed blueberry milk, and a drowsy sparkling sugar. It was signed by Cure Idol and the photo was kept in 2763 layers of protective casing.

“Wait, if there are OTHER precures… do they know about us?!” pure vanillin says, eyes widening. Careful buddy, don't wanna break the fabric of the universe.

----------

Meanwhile in some alternate freaky universe of Hanamichi Town, Uta, Nana and Kokoro were watching precure clips.

“Don't you guys think these guys look familiar?” Kokoro thought, squinting at the screen. Uta and Nana squinted as well. “Whatever, I don't care about that, they lowkey ate up those fights!!” Uta says. ‘Are you sure about that…’ Nana thought.

“But seriously, they remind me of someone." Kokoro says.

“Hirogaru sky precure??" Nana asks.

“Yeah, I think that was it!!" Uta says, pumping a fist.

“Oh my blue, I wonder what they would think of us." Kokoro says mentally.

--------------

Anyways, the monster hunting trio was just stopping for a snack break while still transformed. They were having croissants and drinking✨ TEA✨, and were just sitting on a bench. “Aw yeah this is the life” Sparkling sugar says, sipping her TEA. “Oi mate can I have some too” says the monster of the week, looking over them.

“Oh my blue, it's BRI’ISH” refined flour yelps, almost dropping her TEA. She then turns towards the camera. “Just a disclaimer, I do not mean to offend the local British population” the trio then gets into a fucking ugly ass fighting stance, dropping their croissants. “Aw damn it my quaso” crystallize salt realizes a little too late.

The monster of the week, which was an EVIL GHOSTY GHOST, pulled out some lobotomy surgery tool things. “I swear, it's for medical research." it says. “AHHHHHHHHH NOT THE LOBOTOMIES” the trio screams, hugging each other like they were about to die even though they were already transformed.

The word “lobotomies” echoed throughout the streets and into the park where the gambling squad was taking a break. Blueberry milk was doing some card tricks and hollyberey was painting dark cacacca’s nails. “Wait, did I just hear the word ‘lobotomies’?” hollyberry asks, pausing her painting, which left dark cacacacca annoyed, but not for too long because hollyberry carried him off to the source of the sound.

“So… I guess we’re following them?" blueberry milk says. “hell nah I don't wanna get lobotomized I just became a millionaire” white lily says, protecting her coin mountain which she somehow put in a wagon. “all the better to risk!! Isn't your name white gambling lily anyways??” blueberry milk responds, dragging her and following the other two.

Back at the clubhouse, the trio were just finishing the episode when golden chief received a text message from her pookie wookie dark cacacacca saying ‘THEY'RE TRYING TO LOBOTOMIZE ME HELP’.

“TBH I don’t even wanna help him” golden cheese says. “BUT I HAVE TO SAVE HIM!" pure vanilla declares,running out of the house. “do u wanna watch some my little pony episodes” incandescent spice asks, not even caring about the fact that there was a lobotomizing monster in the wild. “you know what, why not.” golden cheese says, curling up in a blanket.

In the generic precure field of fighting, all the precures were there except golden cheese and incandescent spice who really did not give a fuck. “GRRRR NO MORE MR NICE GUY NOW” pure vanilla says, balling his fists and shaking angrily. “When were you ever nice??” dark cacacca asks. Pure vanilla immediately stopped shaking like a little leaf in the wind. “Oh yeah whoops”

“LET’S BLOW BUBBLES!!’ the ghosty ghost RAWRs. “Oh my blue, is that even legal??” crystallized salt says, afraid of the monster blowing bubbles. “Wibbly wobbly!!!” the monster says, pulling out an entire arsenal of ice picks or something. “AHHHHHHHHHHH” the cures scream like fucking losers and hide behind dark cacacca. “Oh my blue im going to fucking kill u later” he says as the monster approaches.

Bonk a doodle doo the ghost casually smacks dark caccaca into the atmosphere. It also stabbed him like 2763 times to make sure he was dead or at least lobotmized. “Oh snap” sparkling sugar says. But with the power of love, friendship and the power of lobotomies dark cacacca gets an epiphany, and unlocks his PSYCHIC MAGIC POWERS!!! Like he has any lol. “OH MY BLUE I LOVE U DARK CACCACACCA DONT DIE ON ME I SWEAR WE’LL GET MARRIED EVENTUALLY” pure vanilla says. Before dark caccaca hits he floor he says “I WILL NOT FALTER” and starts spinning around like a helicopter attached to a giant beyblade.

Suddenly, dark cacca stands on the air and some purple spotlights shine onto him out of nowhere. Sir u are not cure kyun kyun get off the stage. He summons black sapphire’s mic out of nowhere and starts to sing, also out of nowhere. “WHAT THE WHAT” the lobotoming ghost says before getting flashbanged by 10000 stage lights.

“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag Drifting through the wind Wanting to start again? Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin Like a house of cards One blow from caving in? Do you ever feel already buried deep? Six feet under screams, but no one seems to hear a thing Do you know that there's still a chance for you 'Cause there's a spark in you You just gotta ignite the light, and let it shine Just own the night like the 4th of July 'Cause, baby, you're a firework Come on, show 'em what you're worth Make 'em go, "Oh, oh, oh" As you shoot across the sky Baby, you're a firework Come on, let your colors burst Make 'em go, "Oh, oh, oh" You're gonna leave 'em all in awe, awe, awe You don't have to feel like a waste of space You're original, cannot be replaced If you only knew what the future holds After a hurricane comes a rainbow Maybe a reason why all the doors are closed So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow And when it's time, you'll know You just gotta ignite the light, and let it shine Just own the night like the 4th of July 'Cause, baby, you're a firework Come on, show 'em what you're worth Make 'em go, "Oh, oh, oh" As you shoot across the sky Baby, you're a firework Come on, let your colors burst Make 'em go, "Oh, oh, oh" You're gonna leave 'em all in awe, awe, awe Boom, boom, boom Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon It's always been inside of you, you, you And now it's time to let it through 'Cause, baby, you're a firework Come on, show 'em what you're worth Make 'em go, "Oh, oh, oh" As you shoot across the sky Baby, you're a firework Come on, make your colors burst Make 'em go, "Oh, oh, oh" You're gonna leave 'em all in awe, awe, awe Boom, boom, boom Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon Boom, boom, boom Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon!!”

“OH MY BLUE SIGN MY FOREHEAD” blueberry milk cheers. “Someone show incandescent spice this he’ll go crazy.” refined flour says as she records a video of dark caccaca’s sick mental breakdance. “Oh yeah im feeling the beat” the monster says and falls down the stairs.

“Uh… i guess i’ll go magical splash flare the monster now” sparkling sugar says before blasting the monster to death with the power of diabetes. “Yay!!!” the gang cheers, and pure vanilla forwards the video of dark cacca being a super idol to golden cheese.

“Is that dark cacca???” golden cheese says as she watches the video. “OH MY BLUE HES HOT” incandescent spice screams, getting the attention of all the kids in the house. “Oh my blue we are going to get copyrighted.” golden cheese thinks. Someone get dark caccac a record label he would be an amazing singer (at least in universe lol)

—————
PV: next time on…!

RF: i hope no one sings again.

IS: i hope someone sings again.

DC: apparently we’re going to the magical land of the straights again

WL: …is someone gonna sing there??

HB: maybe…?

BM: i hope someone dies. (he drinks a flour shake that he got out of nowhere.)

GC: i hope you get the help you need.

CS: see you guys next time. Will someone sing? Will someone die?? Tune in to find out!!

(the camera fucking falls to the ground)

SS: (in a muffled tone) why are we still filming in a closet?

Chapter Text

Pure vanilla and blueberry milk are eating ice cream popcorn. Idk that existed before today but apparently it does and it lowkey doesn’t look bad. They were rewatching the video of daddy cacao singing firework from last episode.

“MMMMMMMMMMM” blueberry milk freakily says, which raised some concerns. “It seriously cant be that good lets try to hear him sing sway to my beat in cosmos” pure vanilla says, rolling his eyes, secretly jealous that blueberry milk was fawning over cacaccac and not him.

Suddenly pv’s phone rang. The caller id read ‘british guy’. “Oh is that lobotomy monster back for more???” blueberry milk says, ready to attack the mephone 4.

“Oh i get it!!! Its that old fairy guy!!!” pure vanilla says, jumping happily. “Thats my ex 💔” blueberry milk says flatly after pure vanilla picks up the phone.
“Oh my blue, expired white liquid cookie is that you?!” elder faerie’s voice rang out from the speaker. Upon hearing that, blueberry milk vanished into thin air. “So what do u want lil bro” pure vanilla casually responds, ignoring the fact that blueberry milk proably ran off somewhere. “COME TO THE FAERIE KINGDOM NOW ITS AN EMERGENCY” elder faerie’s voice shook, then hung up. No one dares to ask how elder faerie got his grubby cookie nubs on a phone.

“Oh my blue he must need pads!!!” pure vanilla realizes, leaping to grab his precure tambourine until he realized that he should erm… you know probably bring the others with him. He stares at where blueberry milk was standing before, and pulls out his phone to call him. (he had to buy all of the former beasts phones and he is now in debt lmao)

Dial tone ring ring ring its probably the miraculous theme or something

“Erm what do u want silly vanilly” blueberry milk says, as the sound of sizzling was heard through the phone.

“Where are you?? Are you getting deep fried or something?!” pure vanilla says, getting ready to save his pookie bear from the potential threat of a giant deep fryer.

“...i am at incandescent’s monthly barbecue?? Use your memory.” blueberry says, debating if he should just hang up and block him. In the background, the sound of candy apple cookie jumping onto blueberry milk is heard.

“OKAY IM ON MY WAY HOLD ON I WON’T LET THE EVIL DEEP FRYER CRUMBLE YOU!!” pure vanilla proclaims to no one in particular. He hangs up and starts running towards the local park, where conveniently the other main characters would be hanging out, because plot convenience!!

He started picking up the pace after running for 27.63 seconds, because he realized that elder faerie probably needed those pads badly and blueberry milk cookie would become deep fried milk cookie if he doesn’t start locking in and RUN.

“HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.” Pure Vanilla finally made it to the park and falls on the pavement from exhaustion. “Woah whats up my vanilly boy??” crystallized salt asks as pure vanilla tries and fails multiple times to get up.

“Elder faerie needs our help he needs pads!!!!” pure vanilla screeches, and pulls out the portal to straight land. “Oh yes i completely understand!!!” the other 9 say, standing by and ready to enter str*ightland again. The smell of the lingering barbecue (which was mostly smoke because incandescent never really knew how to cook) filled the air, but no one really gave a damn. The former beasts’ children were wiping away stray tears from their eyes, because going to straightland is a fate worse than death.

“Oh my days is that the straight portal” some random passerby asks themselves, looking at the swirling portal of monochrome colors. “Aww hell yeah its my hometown i can get away from this queer land” they say, eyes lighting up. They were immediately shot down by the bisexual beam… i mean the high emotion attack.

The cookies step into the str*ight portal as their children salute them. “On pride month is crazy too 😨” black sapphire says, sighing. The other children and friends sigh in response.

The cures fall in a heap in str*ightland. “Old pixie guy where are you~???” blueberry milk says in a singsong tone, waving around a box of pads for his ex pookie. “Uh… what did elder faerie tell you, exactly??” white lily says, looking around for someone who was actually competent enough to explain.

Suddenly, silverbell and mercurial knight cookie ran up to the group, huffing and puffing and about to blow ur house down. “it’s an emergency!!!!” they yell, and drag the ten cookies further into the kingdom.

As the cookies walked… or rather dragged along…the sight of the kingdom was… interesting. Everything was literally made of cardboard and on fire. “Oh blue, what did you do now?” refined flour says, already glancing at blueberry milk. So much for redemption. “Okay— this time i didn’t do anything. But i wish i did, this looks awesome” he responds, looking at the burning cardboard sets and the screaming faeries. “You are crazy.” white lily says.

“Oh thank the gods of fairy dust you’re here!!!” Elder faerie runs up to them. “Heres ur pads.” pure vanilla says awkwardly, handing him the box.

“What.” elder faerie responds, looking at the box. “Nah, no need. I used to get periods, but not anymore.” he says, not elaborating on that statement. He turns around and walks towards the center of the kingdom, expecting the others to follow him. ‘Omb, elder faerie’s PREGNANT!!’ they thought.

At the center of the kingdom was a metal branch. “I was lowkey expecting a silver tree, not a metal branch.” dark cacaccao says, with his flabbers ghasted. “Budget cuts.” elder faerie says. “Also why would it be silver?”

“So… if u didnt need the pads why are we here??” hollyberry asks, crossing her arms. Elder faerie spreads his arms out, doing a t-pose. The metal branch started to spin wildly and glow. “Woahhh!!!!!!” the cures say as they watch the branch flail wildly and elder faerie beginning to spin.

“JUST TELL US WHY WE’RE HERE OR IM BREAKING THAT BRANCH” incandescent spice says, shaking furiously.

“This branch is the difference between life and death. This is the conduit for magic precure stuff, and more importantly, more merchandise.” the branch begins to do 2763 backflips. I can tell how powerful it is, that’s impressive as hell!!

“If the evil mcevil monsters get their hands on it, BAM BAM BAM the world would be over!!” silverbell says, walking to the branch and doing exaggerated motions for emphasis. “They are already planning their… attacks on the faerie kingdom, so we must give you guys, the irresponsible adults, the branch for safekeeping!!”

The faeries not-so carefully throw the branch at pure vanilla, and for emphasis on the ‘world is over’, a cardboard piece of the kingdom falls over. “You know what, i like it.” sparkling sugar says, looking over the questionable piece of metallic nature. “Now leave, you’re disrupting my eepy time.” elder faerie waes goodbye, and mercurial knight and silverbell lifts him onto their shoulders and takes him away.

The cookies open the portal and arrive back at the park, where their children and friends were crying and clapping like they just returned from a 5 year long war. “Oh my blah, is that a mineral twig?!” sugarfly asked. “Oven right it is” golden cheese says, taking the branch and showing it off like she just pulled a wild animal biscuit in the hit game biscuit skedaddle palace.

“Ehehhheheehehhe is that a zinc stick i see???” said the branch stealing monster that appeared out of nowhere. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!” all the cookies scream, hugging the branch. “Okay children, take this world threatening branch, we’ll handle the monster!!” golden cheese says, throwing the branch to nutmeg tiger, who just accepts her temporary role as guardian of the… Branch.

“Oh yeah its magic time and stuff” the heroes say, and do a really long transformation scene. “Oh wow so bedazzling!!! Im not even thinking about just taking that branch!!” the monster says, eating some candy that it somehow got. “Oh yeah can we have some too” cloud haetae asks. They usually wouldn’t disobey the snack rule of ‘flour shakes only’, but refined flour forgot to bring some this time.

“You know what? im a nice monster. sure you can have some of my candy” the monster says, showering them with candy. “YAYYY!!!!” they cheer.

“We are… precure!!! Whatever that’s supposed to mean lmao” the cures say, striking a pose. They need a precure catchphrase class istg. “Youre gonna die! :D” white lily says sweetly, holding her staff thingy.

“Oh my blue cloud haetae where did u get that candy from are u sure there isnt secretly a razorblade inside??” refined flour looks to cloud haetae, who was snacking on some of the candy the monster gave. Being an overprotective mom, flour power rushes to her sweet little child, momentarily distracted.

“Oh snap our support is gone” pure vanilla says, forgetting about the fact he is a healer as well. The monster, lowkey a chill monster, was attacking really slowly. It already basically knew its fate of being blasted to death with sparkly lasers and attacks with cool names.

Blast blast blast magic attacks and stuff man i am a great writer whoopy doo

“Magic attack woahhhh” crystallized salt says, and gives the monster a thwack a smack. Upon impact the monster exploded into 42 pieces of confetti. “Thats what u get for driving the white van of kidnapping” blueberry milk says proudly, crossing his arms.

Right on cue, a white van crashes into the park and falls over, breaking its side. Suddenly, a rush of little cookie children run outside, swarming the park.

“Thank u maam sirs peoples for saving us!!!!” they cheer, and disperse off to find their families.

“What the frickity frack was that.” the cures say in unison and de-transform with one green sreen explosion effect.

“At least we saved some little kids am i right??” pure vanilla says happily. Lowkey they shouldnt have saved those little shits but yet i wrote that in so…

“That was probably the first time we actually did something for this city.” dark cacaccac replied.

“WE SAVED THE TOWN!!!!!” everyone else cheers. The smell of the barbecue was extremely terrible because no one thought to turn it off.

“YAYYYYYY!!!!” the group of the former beasts’ children cheer, and throw candy in the air for emphasis. Luckily, there were no razorblades like refined flour was afraid of, but they did have a hell lot of sugar.

Back at the land of no beasts and yes yeasts, the cookies of darkness were playing mario kart or something. Im probably characterizing them wrong, but that what i’ve been doing for the past 24 chapters.

“Man, im craving a metal branch right now.” poison mushroom cookie says, mixing up a mushroom paste as a condiment for the metal branch.

“Dont worry, our monster is gonna get that metal branch” red velvet says, with about 2763 cake hounds surrounding him. “Our monsters of the week are so sophisticated nowadays, they can even talk, so they can get metal branches.”

Suddenly, a big pop up notification pops up onto their TV. “ur monster of the week died again this is the 4th time in a row” it read.

“Aw dang it i thought we could do it this time” pomegranate says.

“Dont worry we’ll get that metal branch no matter what!!!” licorice declares. “Or we’re gonna get fired like those losers the beasts.”

“YEAHHHHHH!!!!” the others cheer, throwing EVIL confetti in the air. They cant have regular confetti because it’s not mandated. They then broke into a song about friendship, but evil.

The screen fades out to black, while the singing is still audible.

——-
Pv: next time on… whatever this is…

Ss: we’re having an episode for the girls!! Btw ur femboy ass doesnt count.

Bm: ehehhehe. Do i count?? (she blinks rapidly.)

Rf: you know what, why not?

Bm: YAYY!!!!

Pv: what do u mean im not the main character of my own show anymore… (he collapse to the floor.)

Wl: shut the bake up. just because ur the first debut doesnt mean its your show.

Hb: hey at least it’s not ANOTHER filler episode. I hope.

Is: hey maybe we can go out or something while the girls have their episode.

Dc: sure. I’ve always wanted to go out with you anyways

Gc: excuse me. What.

(a giant bang sound is heard off screen)

Cs: see you guys next time. We dont want golden cheesebird to start another fight here.

Chapter Text

“Come on ya fucking losers let’s go shopping!!!!” Sparkling Sugar says, leading White Lily, hollyberry, refined flour, crystallized salt, golden cheese and blueberry milk (genderfluid shadow milk supremacy btw) to go do some shopping to hang out!!!!

“Why are we doing this again?” White lily asks, sipping a flour shake that refined flour made for her. “You somehow always have at least 69 bags of candy at your disposal.”

“Shut the fuck up we need some plot development right now why dont u go get run over by a cookie car or something” Sparkling sugar says, waving her hand, leaving white lily shocked.

“MAN BAKE YOU!! WHY CANT WE BE LIKE THE GUYS???”

Meanwhile Blueberry Milk and Crystallized Salt, being the queer cookies they are, sit back and listen to this argument awkwardly.

----------

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!” Dark Cacao screams. His voice echoed throughout the Walmart which the boys were hanging out in.

“Did you get that limited edition pretty cure toy or something yet??” Pure Vanilla says, who was standing on cacaccacao’s shoulders, lifting up Incandescent Spice.

Incandescent was shuffling through a top shelf in the toys section. Apparently they had Idol Precure toys, and he REALLY needed one. “Just hold on for a slippity spicy second!! I’m almost there!!!” He shuffled through more boxes, and some fell onto Cacao’s head.

“Just grab something and get down before someone calls the cops on us for being insane.” Dark Cacao says, annoyed, after being hit by 2763 boxes of toys.

“Found it!” Incandescent Spice exclaims, finally descending with a box containing a Kirakira Showtime Mic.

“How are we paying for that anyways?” Pure Vanilla asks, putting Incandescent Spice down onto the ground. “I’m still in debt from buying you all phones.”

“I asked White Lily for some ✨MOOLAH✨” Incandescent Spice says, holding up a pouch overflowing with coins. “Want some, vanillister??” He says, smirking at Pure Vanilla, who stares at it intently.

“I really need to be better with my financial decisions, but oven yeah thanks for paying off my debt.” He holds out his hand, expecting to be showered with coins.

“Nuh uh uh. What’s the magic word?” Incandescent says, holding the pouch away from vanilla’s grubby little hands.

“Uh… Please?”

“WRONG!!! It’s purikyua purikyua!! But because I’m so kind, I’ll pay your debts.”

“YAYYYY!!!!!!!!!!” The three cheer, surrounded by fallen toys.

---------

“Where’d you get all this money from, Lily?” Crystallized Salt asks, as they are forced to carry all of Sparkling Sugar, Hollyberry, Golden Cheese, and Blueberry milk’s shopping bags.

“Oh right, that.” Blueberry Milk says, remembering. “Yeah, she’s apparently a star at gambling.”

“Anyways, let’s crash at my place!” Hollyberry suggests, helping Crystallized Salt hold some of the bags. “You know, Pure Vanilla is banned there every other week because of his ice cream experiment.”

“I’m too afraid to ask what the milk factory happened, considering him.” Blueberry Milk says, getting flashbacks of the time she hung out with him prior.

“Well, to put things simply, we had an ice cream machine, he managed to break it, and ice cream flew everywhere.” Golden Cheese says, getting horrendous flashbacks as well.

“AH!!! THATS TERRIFYING!!!” Blueberry Milk shouts, covering her ears. How dare that vanilla ice cream guy commit such horrors!!

“Just be glad he’s not here this time.” Hollyberry says, holding the door open for the others, who enter her house.

“Oh my blue, what is this place?!” Crystallized salt asks. The whole wall was covered in photos of tung tung sahar and photos of alpha wolves.

“It’s…” White Lily started, confused, as this definitely wasn’t here the last time she visited.

“AMAZING!!” Blueberry Milk finished, looking around with joy in her eyes.

“Okay, enough admiring my decorations, heh, I know I’m the skibidiest sigma of all the lands…” Hollyberry smirks. She drags them to her room… which was basically a generic background you can find in any alpha wolf meme. All her decorations were suspiciously painted pink, white, and orange. But the room itself was the size of a ballroom.

“Oh hell yeah let’s PARTYYYY” Sparkling Sugar says, doing 2000 backflips, 700 frontflips, 60 somersaults, and 3 cartwheels.

“Oh wowzers this is skibidi” hollyberry says, filming her. The others just thought she had another dose of her daily Rainbow Cubes.

“Is my sporky bedazzled diabetes high again??” Crystallized Salt wonders.

“Don’t worry, I know just how to get her chill out...” Refined Flour says. She pulls out a flour microphone (which is attached to nothing, so how the hell does it even work).

“...Through the power of my sick beats!!” A pair of sunglasses somehow manifests onto her face.

“OH MY BLUE GRACE US WITH UR PRESENCE” Blueberry Milk and Crystallized Salt bow rapidly as Refined Flour starts breakdancing.

“Uh… she can’t be THAT good…” Golden Cheese says quietly, but Refined Flour started singing… albeit off-tune.

“Oh yeah now more rainbow cubes or shroomies beatboxing sound inz inz inz or something break it down oh yeahhh”

“Uhm…” White Lily says, awkwardly. “That was AWESOME. You should collab with dork coconut!!”

“No thank you. I’m staying solo. But you should buy my album.” Refined Flour says, taking off the sunglasses.

Sparkling Sugar eventually trips over her own cookie feet (she can literally float, oh bless her soul). “Whatever, let’s just hang out and do stuff now.” She takes out a makeup bag and pulls out a makeup palette and nail polish. “You’re my victim, you pretty princess!!” She says, turning to Hollyberry, who just goes ‘yippee!”

-----------------------------

“WHERE ARE WE GOING?!” Dark Cacao screams. The boyz somehow managed to get their little baked fingers on a F1 racecar, and is recklessly driving through the streets.

“Uhm… the brakes are broken!!!” Incandescent Spice says, spam pressing the breaks.

“If we could stop the car, we would have done it EARLIER!!!!!!” Pure Vanilla screeches. He had to sit in a car seat, because he’s kinda delulu.

“The only solution is to—” Dark Cacao started, but was interrupted by Pure Vanilla. “BURN THE CAR DOWN AND EXPLODE IT WITH NUCLEAR BOMBS AND RUN IT OVER WITH A UNICYLE AND DISASSEMBLE AND REASSEMBLE IT AND MELT IT WITH ACID!!”

“Are you crazy? Or crazily smart?!” Incandescent Spice says.

“I’m calling Golden Cheese. She’ll know what to do.” Dark Cacao says, pulling out his Cacaophone37. It immediately flew out of his hands and shattered on the floor. “What the cacao bean.”

----------------

“Huh?” Golden Cheese says, staring outside the window. The F1 racecar zoomed right outside the palace.

“Seems like a bunch of lunatics.” Refined Flour says, watching the vehicle disappear into the horizon, hopefully to the nearest trashcan.

The other girls were watching horror movies, and didn’t seem at all fazed.

“This reminds me of the time when the world was too cruel to me because I was too sweet and kind hearted, so they used me and framed me as a villain so I turned to the darkness!!” Sparkling Sugar says sweetly, casually painting Hollyberry’s nails.

“Wow, I could never dump out my backstory like that.” Blueberry Milk and Refined Flour scoff. (At least… not yet. Heh. HEH.)

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!” The screams of the innocent— Incandescent, Cacao, and Vanilla… so more like the screams of the damned— rang out nearby.

“What the rizzberry?? The horror movies are already giving me the heebie jeebies, i dont need the souls of the damned haunting me!!” Hollyberry glances towards the door in alarm.

Whoosh boosh sloosh.

“What was that…?” Blueberry Milk whispers, shaking in fear.

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew.

The F1 car flies past the window in Hollyberry’s room. “Oh hey girls!!!” Incandescent says, winking as the car soars by. Then it crashes into the roof.

“I think I have some competition in the driving skills department.” Blueberry Milk says sarcastically.

Oh check out the time guess what its monster time

The dark spooky magic that came from the depths of the underworld surrounded the racecar. “OH MY BLUE NOT THE CAR!!” The cookies screamed.

“Im a monster and im evil oooooooh scaryyyyyyy” the racecar monster says. This was way scarier than any horror movie monster!!! Well standards are kinda low nowadays 🙄

“Oh geez, im gonna explode from fear!!!” White Lily screams, drinking some toxic sludge. “Ooh nevermind this toxic sludge is giving me aura points lets transform”

Wooooo transformation sounds sparkle sparkly sparkle.

“Oh yeah feminism power” the cures say.

---------------------------

“Want some popcorn or something?” Pure Vanilla says, offering a bucket of popcorn to the other two stuck in this predicament.

Immediately, all the popcorn flew everywhere, because the monster was doing flips and spins and twirls and swirls and ballet moves.

“OW MY EYES STING!!!” Dark Cacao yelps as the popcorn flies around the inside of the car. “What did you PUT in this??”

“A lot of salt and vinegar!! And toxic sludge!!” Pure Vanilla replies nonchalantly. He immediately breaks the window, flies out, and lands on his face.

-------------------------

“Oh yeah feel the power of…. Power!!!!” golden cheese says, flying towards the monster with a spear. She immediately hits the metal and slides off awkwardly.

“...” The others stare as she falls on the ground next to pure vanilla.

“Oh, that was so motivational!” Blueberry Milk says, with tears in her eyes, and throws an Uno block card at the monster. All the glass on the car just shattered, and Incandescent Spice and Dark Cacao just plummet to their demise.

“Who wants to save those two bumbling losers?” Refined Flour turned to the other gals, who just shrugged. “Wanna play geological formation, manuscripts, cutting blades for it?” White Lily suggested.

“Geological formation, manuscripts, cutting blades!” Refined Flour, Sparkling Sugar, White Lily, Hollyberry and Blueberry Milk say.

“Okay, what the fruit gummy? Refined Flour, you can’t play the 4th dimension.”

“Well you’re playing ‘Cookie Run Kingdom’ as a move.”

“Okay, fine, I’ll save those buffoons.” Sparkling Sugar says, soaring like a pelican.

“Oh, such lithe movements! Such agile grace!” The others cheer, as Sparkling Sugar rescues those pathetic falling losers and dumps them in a nearby dumpster for safekeeping.

“She didn’t deserve to get cancelled, she’s such a queen!!” Hollyberry says, watching Sparkling Sugar break it down on the dance floor.

“Precure… Diabetes attack!!!!” Sparkling sugar says, purifying the monster.

Upon purification, PV, GC, DC and IS (i dont wanna type out their full legal names ok) wake up and cheer. “Thank you, effervescent glucose!!” Pure Vanilla says, hugging Sparkling Sugar.

“Uhhhhhh you’re welcome??” She says, wanting this ugly rat off of her as soon as possible.

“Yayyyyy friendship and happiness!!! With no actual good plot because this is crack at heart!!” Crystallized Salt cheers. Roll credits. This was truly our lovely medicine.

————-
PV: next time on… it’s the halfway point of the show!!! Maybe. I never learned how to count past 2.

GC: And what are we doing to celebrate it? Nothing!!!

RF: actually this is my episode. I’M the celebration.

DC: woah guys thats my wife right there

BM: dont feed the shippers. That’s my job.

WL: yeah… ok weirdo. Anyways theres literally nothing else to say byeeeee

Put some explosion here yikes scary

Chapter Text

Refined floor is just chilling on her throne as queen of the school. “Oh yes bow down to me peasants shower me with coins” she says to the air molecules around her. As expected, nothing happened. This is what you get for talking to the air, it’s never stable. (knee slap)

“...that wasn’t very funny. Now im sad.” Refined flour slumped to the ground. “I’m quitting my job.”
----------------------
“Blue damn it Cacao, why did you have to throw your phone out the window.” Pure Vanilla says, as Incandescent Spice is forced to pay for Dark Cacao’s new Cacophone38.

“Oh thank u so much for this cacafone thirty ate!!!” Cacacaccao says, holding his new phone like a precious treasure that could shatter at any little impact.

“You owe me 42 hot sauce botles for that u coca cola >:(“ Incandescent Spice grumbles, finishing the transaction.

“Man why can’t u just be nice at me or something im going to go away and cry!!!” Dark Cacao says, putting his head in his hands and running off crying coffee tears or something.

“Man that guy is kind of cuckoo” pure vanilla says, watching dark cacao skedaddle off.

-----------------
Refined Flour was busy packing her student body president thingies (which was a 20 pound box of flour mixed with crack) when Dark Cacao broke the door, crying.

“Woah, hold the flour, what’s wrong, my babygirl??” Refined Flour says, setting the box of flour and crack down.

“Im sad.”

“Uh…. and how am i supposed to help you IF U DONT TELL ME WHATS GOING ON LIKE U GOTTA SPILL UR FEELINGS AND SHIT LIKE GET ME ON UR WAVELENGTH PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF BLUE”

Awkward silence pursues. Like damn refined flour he’s looking to you for some solace and u yell in his face. But that’s relationship goals am i right??

“Uhhhhh idk. why cant u just hug me or something” cacao asks, awkwardly, as refined flour stares at him like ‘😐’.

“Bring it in buddy. Just dont touch my hair i spent 3 seconds on it this morning.”

“WAHHHHHHHHHHUHHHHUHHHHHH”

“...Okay then.”

Dark cacao tackles refined flour for a hug, and she just sits there like ‘uhm ok im stuck like this now.’

“Is this enough for you or do u want me to tuck u in bed and give u a goodnight kiss??” she asks sarcastically.

“Oh yes please!!!!”

There was more awkward silence before Refined Flour not-so-gently throws Dark Cacao off of her. “Anyways, I gotta get back to packing my stuff.” She closes the box of crack and puts her custom diffuser on top of it.

“Packing? For what?” Dark Cacaccacao asks, looking at her box. “Are you like dealing drugs or something???”

Refined Flour slowly turned her head in shock of cacacaaaao’s imagination. “Girl, if i was, i would be rich and would have moved out by now. But noooo. I’m resigning.”

“Uhhhh why tho ur amazing at democracy. At least more than that orange guy.” Dark cacaccacao says, in hopes of making her feel better.

“Girl, I put people in school jail and almost turned the school into a communist society.” refined Flour replies with a blank stare.

“Excuse me u what”

----------------------------------

Meanwhile in the Faerie Kingdom… we get some… questionable ‘shipping’ fuel.

“Man this food is so good tehehhehehehehhe” white lily says, eating some of the faerie kingdom’s culinary masterpieces. She and old fairy guy were chilling in the Elemental Alcove, which was the only place in the kingdom which was safe from the cardboard-ification and arson.

“Uh… that’s our shrubbery.” Elder Faerie says, as White Lily bites on a chocolate bush.

“Really? I swear this tasted just like the food at Crispia.” She says, looking at the half eaten bush.

“You guys have weird tasting food.”
----------------------------------
“PLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZ” Dark Cacao begs at Refined Flour’s feet for her not to divorce him and take their air molecule children with her. Jk he’s begging her to stay as the school president.

“Uh but why? im kind of a crumby dictator.” Refined flour rolls her eyes.

“Because [sob] [wahhhhh] I NEED YOU WAHHHHHHHH”

Meanwhile, Blueberry Milk and Pure Vanilla were walking in the hallways, just… walking. They were just talking about the weather or something like… UGLY people do. They passed the room where Cacao was sobbing all the…hot chocolate out of his eyes.

“Well, I’m glad we’re not like that.” Pure Vanilla scoffs, watching Dark Cacaco shake like a maraca.

Anyways…. Back to our fav straights. Refined flour picks up dark cacacacacao who is just just tired at this point and throws him out the window! Nah she wuouldnt do that. She just walks him out and puts him in her car.

--------------------
“...Is that poor old crusty man getting kidnapped??” Golden Cheese asks Sparkling Sugar as they were walking back to the clubhouse of awesomeness after retrieving white lily’s dumped science supplies from more than 2 months ago. Somehow that bush never got searched, and none of the equipment had a scratch. (Maybe thats why the beasts loved hiding in bushes.)

“Man, just let him get kidnapped. I dont give the slighest bake about that guy.” Sparkling Sugar says. She could never care about a m*n.

“Whatever u say queen!!!” Golden Cheese smiles, linking their arms together and skipping off while hauling a wagon of science materials.

---------------------

“Time to bring my wife home 🥰!!” Refined flour says while drk cacaccaca is basically unconscious in the backseat. “Maybe i should consider his words of wisdom sometimes.”

Flashback!!!

…dark cacao holds a finger to her lips and said “nah, I'd win." golden cheese awkwardly just walks away because you could never change dark cacaooo’s ideas once they come…

“So motivational!!!!!” Refined flour says.
(fLashback woahhh) “...At least spoiled milk and burping lice are at least yapping their asses off to us.” Dark caca says, trying to aurafarm as quickly as he can. Well it seemed to work, as the light bottle appeared. “It’s all or nothing.” He said, as the bottle locked into gun mode and 2763 sound effects played. He then purified the monster and shit…

“Okay that time he was insulting us. NOT cool.” Refined flour says. Angrily.

Finally, after about 2763 seconds of Refined Flour hitting every little groove in the ground as she drove, they arrived at the clubhouse. ‘Well what the shart do i do now do i just leave this guy here’ she thinks as dark caccao somehow manages to do 3214234234 sleep flips.

“Why did i do this again??” refined flour asks her air molecule child in the passenger seat.

“...” the air molecule says. Because its an air molecule not a fucking cookie. Refined flower use ur brain cells girl ur the only cookie-person carrying this group 😭

“What the cure???!!!” cacacaccacao says as he wakes up to see himself being carried by his wifey.

“Oh shit the sedatives didnt last as long as i hoped” refined flour says out loud, turning into her smile sprite.

“Excuse me maam what were u gonna do with me” dark cacaccaca says, so shock he was as pale as flour.

“Nothing lol take this toxic sludge” refined flour says, changing the subject and giving dark cacacacac a bottle of toxic sludge. “Uhhh I heard this gives u a lot of aura points and rizz.”

“Oh my blue thank u so much” dark cacacaccao says as he guzzles the entire drink and then eats the plastic bottle as well. “Oh cacao bean yeah its all or nothing babyyyy >:)”

“NEVER call me that ever AGAIN.” Refined drops cacacaccao, who lands on his face like a LOSER.

Guess what time is it??? Its monster time because i have no idea what to write and also half of my keys are jammed cuz im lowkey typing this on my school mandated laptop 🥰

---------------------------------

“Wanna play I spy, my pookie wookie?” blueberry milk asks pure vanilla. They were both laying down and touching grass. Probably the first time this month.

“Wellll uhhhhhh i spy ur mom in the sky” pure vanilla says, squinting.

“What the milk factory?? That’s clearly a monster of the week.”

Ehehhehehhe. wait what

“Wait, what?!” Pure Vanilla says, as the ominous silhouette of the monster of the week blocks out the sun.

“Oh my blue where did the sun go????” says blueberry milk’s stupid ass.

“Man bake the sun it’s precure time!!!” pure vanilla says. Cue the gay ass duo magical transformation.

----------------------
“What the freaky froot loops???” Refined Flour says, as she and dark cacaccacaca look outside the clubhouse window. They were about to have a nice candlelight dinner until they were rudely interrupted.

“GUYS ITS PREURE TIME” golden cheese, white lily, hollyberry, crystallized salt, incandescent spice and sparkling sugar struggle to open the door. But when they did, they just stood awkwardly as they saw Refined Flour and Dark Cacao having a ✨romantic✨ dinner. (actually they were eating potato chips and faerie kingdom leaves)

“I’m… not going to ask about this.” Incandescent Spice says, backing away.

“Just get out here and transform.” White Lily says, not even surprised that this is happening.

Oh yeah cue the long ass magical girl transformation whoahhhhhhhhhh

-------------------

Fighting noises or whatever as pv and bm knock the lights out of the monster im great at writing

“Woah!!!!! this… sucks. Did u guys seriously not even scratch the monster??” golden cheese says, facepalming.

“We need the power of friendship right now, not the power of homosexual love!!” pure vanilla says, rolling his cookie eyes.

“You’re gay????” sparklng sugar asks. “Actually i could tell from a mile away lmao”

“Whatever its magical sparkly attack time!!!” hollyberry says.

Magically sparkly group attack woahhhh i think i called it “magical group attack fr fr” i forgot lol

Flashbang sfx “OMB MY COOKIE EYES” the former beasts screech. And then the Purification thing happens.

“Oh hell yeah we are fucking cool” the og precures say as they put away their light bottle gun things.

Ya know i would’ve had flour say some friendship speech because its her episode and shit but tbh? I have a flight tommorow and im speedrunning this chapter so pretend that happened.

TIMESKIP WIAHHHAAAAAA (can you tell im rushing?)
------------------------------

“So…. still thinking about quitting the student council… or whatever?” dark cacacca asks refined flour as they sip wine glasses filled with ✨toxic sludge✨.

“Uh….” refined thinks back to dark cacacca’s motivational words. “Actually, i’m NOT quitting! Thanks daddy cacao!!!” She proudly stands on the table, spilling cacao’s toxic sludge.

“YAEYY!!!!!!!!!” All the other cookies cheer. Turns out they were hiding around the room. (Their hiding spots sucked tho, like they were pretending to be posters and tables.)

The power of love wins again!!!!!!!! The end!!! Until next time!!!

————
PV: next time on…!

CS: oh right its my episode

SS: y…y…yuri???

HB: yuri.

(blueberry milk is rubbing his hands deviously in the background. You’ll know what that means eventually.)

WL: YURI!!!

Everyone: YURI!!!

(Confetti sounds)

RF: see you next time.

(Yuri.)

Chapter Text

“So… you wanna hold the pencil like THIS.” Incandescent spice says, helping White Lily learn how to draw his coveted world renowned stick figures during their free period.

Crystallized Salt peeked into the classroom, hearing the chatter inside. “What are you gays doing?” They walked into the classroom and looked at the sketchbook the two were scribbling in. It was astoundingly beautiful, with the perfectly constructed lines blending together to make a plain stick figure. Crystallized Salt couldn’t really get the appeal, but the passion was… kind of there.

“Well anyways… I wanted to ask you something my willy 👉👈” crystallized salt says awkwardly. “What is it my chlorinated pookie bear?” White lily asks, curiously glancing.

“W-w-w-w-w-w-“ they start. Incandescent spice starts to wonder if they’re just beatboxing for their girlfriend or something and he’s third wheeling. “WHITE LILY PLZ GO ON A DRAWING DATE WITH ME WAHHHHAHAHAHAHhh” they sob pathetically and beg at her feet. No one in the gang knows how to flirt istg

“Eh sure why not lmao” white Lily says, abandoning incandescent spice cuz fuck that guy honestly. She takes salty salt salt’s hand and they skip out of the room. ‘NO LESBIANS DONT LEAVE ME’ incandescent spice screams internally as he painfully smiles.

———-
The two lesbians start walk over to the clubhouse of awesomeness, and they’re just yapping about… stuff. “…And that’s how blueberry milk burnt the water. 2763 times. In the same day.” Crystallized salt laughs, telling white Lily about the pathetic life the beasts had as villains. “Can any of you guys actually cook?” Lily asks, remembering the ✨burnt steaks ✨ incandescent spice made a while ago.

She didn’t even need to hear an answer. It was obviously no.

————
“WHAT THE SHART IS THAT TABLE SALT MF DOING NEXT TO MY WIFEY?!” pure vanilla says, spying on the two from a bush with a pair of binoculars. “And… Why did you bring me with you?” Blueberry milk asks, bored because he was being forced to spy on an innocent lesbian couple. “that ABSOLUTE PURPLY THING—“ pure vanilla started to screech (it’s a wonder how they don’t hear the ‘bush’ talking) “—IS STEALING MY WIFEY!!” He says, about to crash out and turn into his emo mode. (foreshadowing?! GASPERDOODLES!!)

“Why have her when you can have… HEH. Me~?” Blueberry milk says, transforming into the lady in azure sprite. “maybe look more white lilyish and then we’ll talk >:(“ pure vanilla turns away, crossing his arms while blueberry milk facepalms.

—————
“So… heh. baby girl teach me how to scribble scrabble like you do~ uwuwuwueuwu” crystallized salt says as white Lily sets up art supplies for the ‘class’. White Lily just simply… ignored the statement for now. “Well… can draw anything but stick figures. that’s why I need spice boy’s classes.”

“How about we draw us making out—“ Crystallized salt suggests. “Uhhhhh I was thinking about referencing from a✨✨ glass beaker ✨✨ though” white Lily says, spreading a bunch of her glass beakers and lab stuff (that the others brought back from the bush) to use as references.

“OH YEAH WE COULD DO THAT TOO AHEHEHEHEHEH” crystallized salt panics and flops like a dish in embarrassment.

From the top of the staircase, sparkling sugar and hollyberry were watching the two awkwardly ‘flirt’ or whatever they’re doing. “Heh, I’m glad we’re NOT like that.” Sparkling sugar rolled her eyes. “Damn right, my sugar wugar😘” hollyberry replies, and they high five.

“Why are we drawing GLASS in my first art lesson??” Crystallized salt asks. They actually knew how to draw good, but they just need some character development and white Lily moments.

“Hardships build character.” White Lily says, intensely as they pull out a glass Penrose triangle. “Now draw.”

‘Well ok anything for my girl’ crystallized salt thinks and starts to… draw something. Scribble scribble scrabble they gracefully draw some lines. It looked so damn bad that it could summon the expired milk demon. Insert ballet music as they draw.

After 2763 seconds, crystallized salt held up the paper like it was blue reincarnated. “Uhhh let me see this monstrosity” white Lily says, taking the paper since she taught her partner SOOOOO well.

“Oh my blue how did u do that with only a pencil what the shart” The drawing was literally basically a photo at this point. Somehow they drew that with only a shitty pencil. It’s not even a mechanical one but me too buddy.
—————

“GRRRR WHAT DOES THAT THING THINK HES DOING” pure vanilla growls like a pretentious alpha wolf as he stalks the lesbian couple from the window. In another bush.5

“Don’t misgender my pookie wookie AGAIN you TWINK >:(“ blueberry milk says. Apparently pure vanilla hasn’t learned SHIT in over 20 episodes. Or any grammar because barely anything is punctuated in his sentences.

————
While pure vanilla and blueberry milk are basically having a war outside the clubhouse, white Lily and crystallized salt are drawing stiff again. White Lily is ACTUALLY giving instructions so that’s cool. “THIS IS SO HAPPY IM GOING TO WRITE MY YURI FLUFF” sparkling sugar screams to the audience. Candy apple cookie is standing next to her, apparently taking sugar’s Yuri classes. Whatever that means.

————
“Oh yeah this shit slaps” dark cacacacac says as he and refined flour are actually going out on a decent date at Olive Garden. “Mmmm breadsticks” he says as he inhales the whole basket of them.

“You just ruined the entire vibe.” Refined flour says. They were drinking more toxic sludge in wine glasses and eating cheap pasta cuz they broke af. Meanwhile incandescent spice and golden cheese were stalking them from another table in shitty disguises. Like they’re practically wearing Halloween costumes.

“What the shart is dark cacacacca doing???” Incandescent spice asks as dark acacia wood tries to rizz flour up by talking about… flour.

“Idk man he’s too busy playing Minecraft and girly games all day to learn how to actually talk with someone. At least besides his gaming group lmao”

Someone get him a grass chair or something he needs it link in bio

———-
Back to our fav lesbians white Lily and crystallized salt. They were no longer drawing but they had to walk refined flour’s pet air molecule because she had a date.

“Aww what a cute little air molecule!!” White Lily says as she drags the leash attached to NOTHING. “Uhhh yeahhh it’s uhhh so cute” crystallized salt answers awkwardly.

“Skibidi rizz sigma sigma” the air molecule says.

Both white Lily and crystallized salt turn slowly to stare at the air molecule in shock. “WHAT THE FUNNY BUNNY???” White Lily screams as the air molecule starts dancing. “AAAAAAA” the two cry and hug each other as if the air molecule could kill them.

Woahhh monster time idk what to write anymore

“SCRIBBLE ACRABBLE” says the monster of the week which was uhhh a compass. Like the drawing one.

——-/-/ I am not retyping that take my ugly divider

“OH MY BLUE ITS MONSTER TIME ALREADY?!” Refined flour, dark cacao, incandescent spice and golden cheese exclaim, standing up from their seats. Don’t worry, they didn’t forget to pay they’re decent human cookie things.

“Wait, did you guys follow us here?!” Refined flour asks in shock. In response, golden cheese and incandescent spice just run out without an answer.

“Eh whatever. Let’s just do the magical girl thing lmao” dark cacao says, and he and refined flour follow them out.

“OH MY BLUE MISTER CUDDLES” refined flour screeches, seeing crystallized salt and white Lily standing and about to fight the monster. White Lily was holding the leash like a whip for some reason.

“STOP UR CHOKING HIM” refined flour sobs.

“What the milk factory refined flour that’s not mister cuddles” blueberry milk says, as the other four cookies arrive at the scene of the crime.

“What the wheat???” Refined flour asks. “Then what the shart is that thing??” She gestures at the thing on the leash.

“ARE YOU LOOKING FOR THIS PERHAPS???” The monster says, and holds up mister cuddles the air molecule, trapped in its grip.

“OH THATS IT BUDDY!!” The cookies say and transform. insert music here dun dun dun magic sparkly sparkly.
———-
Oh yeah fight scene cuz I can write those as you can tell.

So like they’re… throwing hands and magic and blueberry milk is throwing uno cards because that seems like something he would do.

“I have to confess something to you guys…” Crystallized salt says, tears in their eyes. “I accidentally put lead poison in your food yesterday… and also i love you guys!!! Like a lot!!” They say, hoping the power of friendship can strengthen their attacks.

It in fact, did! By 0.2763 times. It’s the thought that counts because the monster starts to screech. “EWWWW STAWP I LOVE YOU MORE!!”

“Uhh I don’t think that was for you” Dark cacao said awkwardly. “Also what the cacao bean was that about lead paint?!”

“RAHHHH MAGIC TIME!!” The former beasts say and restrain the monster with the power of blue above and lead poisoning.

“Okay, now work it girl!!!” Incandescent spice winked towards the original five cures.

“PRECURE MAGICAL ATTACK FR FR!!!” They say, blasting the monster with PRIDE. The monster cutely exploded with LOVE!!

The compass monster dropped Mister Cuddles as it disintegrated.

“MISTER CUDDLES I’LL SAVE YOU— AUGHHHH” refined flour says, diving towards the ground where Mister Cuddles would land. She infact, did not catch him and just fell on her stomach.

“Don’t worry, I got him!!” Pure vanilla says, being the cookies’ hero. He did a 276 degree flip and caught the air molecule with a perfect landing.

“OH THABK BLUE YOU CAUGHT HIM!!” Refined Flour says, rushing to grab her baby. “I spent $2,763,000 on his care!!”

“That’s… really sad. I hope you care about Cloud Haetae as much as Mister Cuddles.” white Lily said in disbelief.

“Eh, of course I do. Who do you think I am, sparkling sugar cookie??” Refined rolled her eyes as sparkling sugar just froze in shock.

—————
blah blah blah blah crystallized salt and white Lily are reading together in the attic of the clubhouse of awesomeness.

“RAWR RAWR RAWR!!! GRRRRR” pure vanilla growled in the Honda civic which was half sunken into the roof. Surprisingly, the two couldn’t hear him. Apparently it was… soundproof against vanilla flavored cookies.

Pop!! Blueberry milk appeared next to him and grabbed onto him. “Oh my milk factory, you’re really going around trying to get a lesbian??” He scoffed, rotating around like a pinwheel. “I can be a woman for her.” Pure vanilla says, only to be met with utter silence. “…okay.” Blueberry milk replied, scared. He simply grabbed pure vanilla and teleported out.

————
“Did you hear something gay around here?” White Lily asks crystallized salt, glancing around but seeing nothing.

“Probably just the airborne gay particles.” Crystallized salt rolled their eyes.

“Yeah, you’re probably right lol”
————-

Preview time yippee

Pv: next time on…!!!!

Is: hell yeah it’s my episode!!! Golden cheese and I are basically besties now.

GC: ehh… frenemies. But I have to admit the whole ‘stalking refined flour and dark cacao’ idea was funny.

Dc: I hate you all.

HB: oh geez. you say that all the time, emo boy.

Dc: I’m going to jump all of you.

Bm: I’d like to see you try, loser.

Dc: OH UR ASKING FOR IT SMART GUY

(The other eight just watch in fear as dark cacao just crashes out on blueberry milk)

CS: turn off the camera.

Chapter Text

It was a nice sunny day (it was burning hot) as the gang were watching a movie in the local movie theatre.

“This is literally a dream come true to watch a movie with THE past precures, like isn’t it so awesome and cool and awesome and cool?!” Pure Vanilla whisper-rambles, 3D glasses on and stuffing his face with ice cream popcorn that he somehow smuggled in.

Next to him, Dark Cacao was trying to focus on the movie. “Can you shut up?! I’m trying to watch my Pretty Pink Princess Party Adventures in peace!” He says, gesturing to the screen.

“Why did you pick this movie anyways? I would have much preferred watching anything else.” Golden Cheese asks, on the other side of Pure Vanilla.

“You chose this movie.” Dark Cacao says, trying to be as quiet as possible while talking over Pure Vanilla’s annoyingly loud crunching sounds.

“Guys, what’s happening?!” Sparkling Sugar asks, in the row underneath the trio, clinging onto Hollyberry’s arm, who was sat next to her.

“Uh… are you sure your glasses aren’t put in wrong?” Hollyberry asks.

Sparkling Sugar tilted her head in confusion. “What do you mean, my skibidi Ohio sigma?” She asks.

Her glasses were upside down, rotating in the fourth dimension, flipped inside out, and looked like it just got dumped over text.

“Uh… I’ll just fix it for you.” Hollyberry says awkwardly, and scrambles to fix the glasses.

On the other side of Sparkling Sugar, Blueberry Milk, Incandescent Spice, and Crystallized Salt were crying their ingredients out.

“This is so heartbreaking, it makes me want to ruin relationships!!” Incandescent Spice cries, choking on his spicy tears.

“Don’t worry, my dear LED spice, you can ruin my relationships for me!” Blueberry Milk says between tears, hugging him like a giant pillow.

“Are you two okay?!” Refined Flour asks from the row on top of them.

“I thought you’d know better, as you lived with them for over 7 years.” White Lily says, next to her.

“Obviously not! You think I’d want to get to know them better?” Refined Flour exclaims, a bit too loudly.

Suddenly the room’s exit door flies open, and me, working as a security guard, appears in the doorway. “OH MY BLUE, can you guys shut up?! Or else I’ll have to kick you out.”

“Heh, check out this guy.” Blueberry Milk says, pointing to me and smirking. “What are they gonna do anyway—“
———-

“And…You just got us kicked out of the movie theater.” Refined Flour says, as the ten of them awkwardly stumble out of the front door of the theater.

“I BAKING HATE YOU WITH ALL MY PURE-NESS AND VANILLA-NESS!!” Pure Vanilla screams at the top of his cookie lungs.

“Whoah, whoah, whoah, gang, take a chill pill!” Golden Cheese suggests.

“It tastes DISGUSTING!!” Blueberry Milk says, taking the chilly pilly. “Tastes like school ice packs and regret.”

“That’s how you know it works! Don’t you feel so much better now?” Golden Cheese says, pushing the two apart.

“Why did you carry that with you?!” Incandescent Spice asks, terrified of the sensation of school ice packs. “I’m severely allergic to chill pills!!”

“Uh… are you serious?” Dark Cacao asks, stifling his laughter.

“This isn’t a laughing matter, Dark Cat Car!!” Incandescent exclaims as the gang walks outside to who knows where.

“Next he’s gonna be telling us about his trauma with chill pills.” Pure Vanilla whispers to Golden Cheese, not being compassionate in the slightest despite his pretty cure name.
———

“It all started… one day. It was certainly a very day.” Incandescent says, a spotlight suddenly shining on him out of nowhere, even though they were outside and it was extremely sunny.

Blueberry Milk handed him the microphone that he always carried around for some reason, and backed away as Incandescent continued his long story about his veteran years against the chill pill army… or whatever he was even talking about at this point.

“The chill pill leader… his name was… Bob… took away my son!” Incandescent says, more spicy tears in his eyes.

It was so… ‘sad’ that the others started to tear up as well, either from pity or laughter.

“I had to trek through Mount Everest, fight a cookie dragon, work at a target, defeat the abyss, go to the nether, and save 2763 different timelines.” Incandescent sobs, remembering the tragedy of the target workplace.

“This is an even better story than Pretty Pink Princess Party Adventures!” Dark Cacao says, full on crying hot chocolate at this point.

“I think we need to bring this poor man to therapy.” Golden Cheese says, as she fills up a water bottle with Dark Cacao’s tears.

Suddenly, White Lily perked up. “Therapy?! Isn’t there a shitty therapy clinic about 2.763 kilometers away?”

“Huh…” Refined Flour says, remembering the good old times with the ‘totally certified’ professional. “That’s not the worst idea you’ve had.”
——-
The gang was now walking to the shitty therapy clinic together. They all probably needed some therapy anyways, because otherwise they wouldn’t be the main characters.

“Why are we all going, it’s not like we… all got trauma…” White Lily thinks aloud, even though she has a pretty… complicated backstory.

“Wait, you’re totally right!” Blueberry Milk says. He just really did NOT want to tell his traumatic past to a random stranger who will probably misinterpret everything.

“Let’s go somewhere else, guys. I totally don’t have any unresolved feelings!” He says, turning on his high heels and quickly skedaddling away.

“Wait, what the vanilla bean are you doing?!” Pure Vanilla yells as Blueberry Milk scampers away back to the Clubhouse of Awesomeness.

“I’m just… preserving screen time for my own episode!!!” Blueberry Milk says as he disappears into the horizon.

“Wait, he’s right! This isn’t our time to hog the stage… or camera… whatever it is.” Sparkling Sugar says.

“What the cookie are you guys doing?!” Incandescent Spice says, nervously shaking. “I can’t go to fairy pee alone, you know!!”

Golden Cheese puts an arm on his shoulder. “Don’t worry, my fluorescent friend, I’ll go fairy pee with you!!” She proudly says, a bit too loudly, as she pushes him into the therapy clinic.

“…On second thought, can I get another partner?!”
———

“Have I seen you before?” The therapist (who was me again) asks.

Incandescent Spice awkwardly fidgets in his seat, looking at Golden Cheese, who sat next to him.

“Uh… maybe you have.” He says, shrugging.

“Yeah, anyone could recognize that ugly wig from a mile away.” Golden Cheese scoffs under her breath.

Incandescent Spice glances towards her for a moment, then turns back to me. “Ignore her, she’s a random person I picked up on the side of the road.” He says.

“Oh please, you fucking love me.”

“Guys, STAWWWWP!!!” I yell. “I’m not a couples therapist.” I roll my eyes, annoyingly clicking my pen like an exasperated receptionist.

“Fine. I’ll explain why I’m here.” Incandescent Spice says, getting comfortable to start spilling how he carelessly abandoned… I mean ‘accidentally lost’ his son.
———

“I’m starting to understand how you became a villain.” Golden Cheese says after Incandescent Spice finishes his yap fest.

“Yeah… you bargained with a chill pill demon for ten bottles of hot sauce over your newborn son.” I say, hiding behind my clipboard. “I… don’t think therapy can help you. You need Blue himself.”

“Hey, I had a redemption arc, okay?!” Incandescent growls, suddenly standing up from his seat. “My little son is alright and is watching pretty cure with his fellow kids.”

“Man, imagine watching precure?” I giggle to myself as Incandescent Spice storms out, being followed by Golden Cheese.
——-

“Ugh… that stupid purple thing doesn’t know what she’s talking about…” Incandescent grumbles to no one in particular as he walks out of the therapy clinic.

“But you have to admit she really knows what she’s talking about.” Golden Cheese adds, not helping his mood at all.

“Oh, shut up.” Incandescent says, slapping her head slightly. “Anyways, I could go for a drink right now.”

“What are we thinking?” Golden Cheese asks as they start to walk towards the closest cafe.

“I was thinking of SPICY SALTY TEARS.” Incandescent replies, rubbing his hands evilly.

Surprisingly, Strawberry Crepe’s cafe did sell salty spicy tears.

“I wanted spicy salty tears, but I can take this.” Incandescent shrugs, taking the cup (which was practically on fire) as Golden Cheese reluctantly paid for this… ‘drink’.

“Oh my blue, spicy boy, you like drinking salty spicy tears too?” Blueberry Milk asks, face against the glass, staring into Incandescent’s soul from the other side of the window.

Incandescent and Golden Cheese just watch in horror.

“This isn’t helping with the stalker allegations.” Incandescent says casually. “Stop staring at me like I’m your next meal, Blueberry!” He yells, running out of the cafe to possibly show him the power of his violent tendencies.

Golden Cheese just stares into the ‘camera’ and shrugs before following him out.
——-

“Were you all waiting for us here?” Golden Cheese asks, as she walks outside to conveniently see the other eight members of the bestie westie group.

“We were all stalking you.” Blueberry Milk says, then puts on a cute face like it was completely normal.

“Wait, does that mean you saw the therapy thing?!” Incandescent gasps dramatically, reeling back in shock.

The eight look at each other, telepathically debating what to say.

Crystallized Salt starts explaining in a soft tone. “Well, we—“

They suddenly got interrupted by Pure Vanilla, who apparently didn't get the hint. “Don’t worry, Halogen light spice! Almost sacrificing your child to a demon doesn’t even make the top 10 of the bad things I’ve done.”

The other nine cookies froze up, extremely concerned about what the hell Pure Vanilla had done before.

“What the rizz are you talking about?” Hollyberry asks, more of a statement than a question.

Pure Vanilla turns away, getting ready to run away if needed. “I was just joking, okay?!” He exclaims. (There was a 50/50 chance of that actually being just a joke.)

“Hey, if it makes you better, I LOOOVE bad boys.” Blueberry Milk says, possibly falling head over heels even more for him.

“Okay, stop flirting and—“ Dark Cacao starts, but then notices something from the corner of his eye. “…Who is that?!”
——-
2763 centimeters away from the group was Red Velvet Cookie. He had to get some medicine from the vet for his 2763 cake hounds… which happened to be 27 boxes of cold medicine.

“I just want to get back home and watch TV with my buddies.” He thinks aloud, but suddenly, his path was blocked by the precure gang.

“Hey, buster, what do you think you’re doing?!” Sparkling Sugar asks, as the ten of them strike a badass pose.

“…I’m trying to go home and feed my dogs.” Red Velvet says, looking at them with a deadpan expression.

“I bet that’s a code word for ‘evil shit’!” Pure Vanilla exclaims. “Are you working for that Dork Enchantment Cookery or something?!” He asks, getting up in his face.

“Are you serious.” Red Velvet asks, setting down the boxes of medicine. He suddenly realized how big of a nuisance these weirdos were.

“Fess up or we’ll have to use the power of friendship!” Refined Flour exclaims, holding up her knockoff heart juicy mixer thing.

In response, Red Velvet just facepalmed. “If you want to play it that way…” He grumbles, then snaps his fingers, transforming a box of the medicine into a monster of the week.

“It's transformation time!!” The gang says, then flashbangs everybody in the radius, emptying the surrounding area of any other person.

“I now realize why we stay at home when we summon these things.” Red Velvet mutters to himself as he gets flashbanged as well.
——-

“Wait a secamadoodle, COLD MEDICINE?!” Incandescent exclaims as he sees the monster of the week.

“That’s medicine for a COLD, not medicine that’s cold!!” Dark Cacao yells in frustration.

“Oh!! Now I’m less terrified! Thank you, Dark Creature!” Incandescent Spice says, hugging him.

“Okay, no more revelations, let’s just fight this thing.” Refined Flour says, ready to throw some punches and perhaps clouds of flour.

Red Velvet simply sits on a bench nearby and pulls out his phone to pass the time. “Now time to play my favorite game, Rookie Kun Cingdom.”

“Wait, that’s my favorite game too!” White Lily exclaims, and walks over to sit next to him.

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!?!! TRAITOR!!!” Golden Cheese yaps in anger, shocked that White Lily was literally talking to the enemy. But despite that, it really didn’t seem like Red Velvet was even interested in fighting them hands on.

“Just forget about her, cheeseburger.” Hollyberry says, putting a hand on her shoulder in case Golden Cheese tried to start another fight.

“Yeah, let’s just fight this cold medicine thing!” Pure Vanilla exclaims, as the monster starts to demolish the nearby trees.

“What?! Not the wildlife!!” Blueberry Milk exclaims as he watches the crusty trees get smashed. Even as an ex-arsonist he couldn’t help but feel bad for these poor tree-y souls.

“We can’t just stand here and watch this like it’s an entertaining show.” Incandescent Spice says. The cures were literally just standing still and watching pieces of tree fall.

“Then what are fuck are we standing around here for???” Refined Flour asks, sick of everyone’s shit. She charges towards the monster and punches it in its face.

That caused the box lid to open, and a bunch of… giant pills to fall out of it. They rolled around like little replicas of sonic the hedgehog.

“What are those?!” Pure Vanilla asks as he had to dodge the rolling pills.

“I think they’re the demons that spicy boy made a deal with.” Sparkling Sugar jokes, deflecting the pills that bounced her way with a comically large mallet.

The reflected pill hit the monster right on its head, exploding in a cloud of volatile blue smoke.

“OWCHIE!!” The monster exclaims as it falls onto its ‘back’. “I’m supposed to be a medicine that heals, not deal crit damage!”

“Wait. Critical damage, you say?” Incandescent Spice thinks aloud. “Can’t we just keep reflecting those little pill things?”

Suddenly the collective 27.63 brain cells of the gang suddenly all lit up at once. “That’s… a great idea!” They exclaim.
——-
After a montage of the cures hitting pills back at the monster, it was practically on the verge of death, like it was one good jumpscare away from hell.

“I think it’s precure group attack time!” Pure Vanilla exclaims, holding up the light bottle of lightness. “Or whatever it’s called.”

“Precure magical group attack fr fr!” Pure Vanilla, Dark Cacao, Golden Cheese, Hollyberry, and White Lily exclaim, releasing the full on color spectrum onto the monster.

Bam bam explody sounds.

“Did I just waste a perfectly good box of medicine on these guys?!” Red Velvet asks himself.

“Whatever, I’m just gonna go back home and take care of my dogs.” He says, snapping his fingers and disappearing with his 26 boxes of medicine.

“Yay! We did it! We saved the medicine!!” The cures say as they detransformed, even though they actually wasted the medicine.

Suddenly, Sparkling Sugar’s phone rang. It was a call from Sugarfly Cookie in the clubhouse of awesomeness.

“Was the metal branch actually a nuclear bomb?!” Her voice rang through the phone. “It’s glowing REALLY bright and quivering.”

“Grrr… I knew that senior pixie guy was bad news!” Blueberry Milk exclaims, still extremely salty about his bad breakup.

“Okay, Blueberry boy, you need to go to the calm down corner.” Sparkling Sugar says, glancing at him with a weirded out expression.

She then continued on the phone. “I’m sure it’s not bad. Just keep feeding it dirt or whatever.” She says, then hangs up.

“Well, how about we check on the branch to make sure they didn’t feed it TOO much dirt?” Dark Cacao suggests, worried about the possible psychological experiments being performed on the magical artifact.

“Not a bad idea— OW!!” Pure Vanilla yelps. From the sky, a pink box fell onto his head. “What the skibidi Ohio gyatt is this?” He asks, picking it up from the ground.

“Looks like some fashion box.” Refined Flour says, pulling out a magnifying glass. “It says Bandai Co on the back.”

“Oh my blue, it can’t be…” White Lily says, glancing towards where the box fell from, trying not to get blinded by the sun.

“Don’t tell me… it’s a crossover episode?!!?!!?”

———
No preview this time 😈😈😈

But know I will have fun writing the next two episodes >:)

Chapter Text

It had been a day since the knockoff Barbie box hit Pure Vanilla on the head. The cures had to take it into custody in the Clubhouse of Awesomeness.

It was being sealed in a tight glass box on the coffee table in the living room, where it definitely couldn’t do brain damage to anyone else.
———

Pure Vanilla was looking at it from outside the box with a giant monocle that he stole from Blueberry Milk’s cosplay closet. “Is THIS secretly a bomb?” He asks Dark Cacao, Golden Cheese, Hollyberry and White Lily, who were all squinting at the pink thingy and rubbing their chins like a group of wannabe scientists.

“Are you sure that’s not just an extradimensional device from another universe?” White Lily wonders, stopping her chin-rubbing to look at the other four for their reactions.

“Don’t be stupid, Cure Lily-an!” Golden Cheese says, thwacking her back as if she was performing the Heimlich maneuver extremely roughly. “It’s obviously a TV remote.”

“Who the fart would drop a TV remote from the sun?” Hollyberry asks, staring at her in shock.

“Sun aliens, obviously!!”

“…How about we just find who this belongs to?”

“Or we can keep it and sell it on the black market.” Pure Vanilla chimes in, actually considering the idea.

The other four cookies just stare in shocked silence.

“Can we factory reset Pure Vanilla?” Dark Cacao whispers to the others, who just sigh.

But they all knew deep down that was just part of the classic Pure Vanilla© charm.

——-

“So, this is the fabled ‘Crispy ah’, huh?” Seika wonders aloud. “Looks a lot uglier than the pamphlets.”

“You do realize those were obviously photoshopped, right?” Ayahoshi says, staring at the welcome sign in front of the city, which read ‘Welcome to the most boring town in the world.’

“Yeah, no way. Let me just take a selfie with my Precure Mirror next to the sign—“ Seika starts, walking towards the sign while rummaging in her tote bag.

“Wait. What the flip?” She asks as she rummages in her bag. “Did you see where it went?!” She panics, shaking Ayahoshi’s shoulders rapidly.

“I don’t know.” She responds casually. “Did you accidentally drop it or something?”

——— insert flashback sfx here ———

About a day and 2.7 hours ago… -

“Why the hell are we WALKING to this city when we could have rode a TRAIN?!” Ayahoshi asks, pointing to the train station nearby. She and her ‘best friend’ Seika were trekking to Crispia from their hometown.

“Oh please. Hard work leads to better character development.” Seika responds sassily, rolling her eyes.

“Character development? It’s not like we’re in some game or story.”

“Whatever you say, sweetheart.” Seika chuckles, and flips her bag for emphasis.

While she flipped her bag, her precure mirror thingy flew out of it and soared right into the horizon faster than a fairy flying towards the face of a precure lead.

Somehow, no one noticed.

When the bag finally came to a rest, she could subconsciously tell it was slightly lighter.

“Huh… that’s weird. It feels slightly lighter than before.” Seika mutters to herself, but didn’t bother to check, as she was that confident in her bag flipping abilities.

——— end of flashback. ———

“Oh! I remember. I flung it into the sun.” Seika says, smirking at her own genius. “Wait.”

“You flung it into the sun?!” Ayahoshi asks in shock, somewhat shocked at her girl-friend’s amazing accidental throwing skills.

“Well… it couldn’t have gone that far.” Seika says, trying to reassure herself. “Let’s check inside the city.” She suggests, then skedaddles into the city.

“The things I do for you.” Ayahoshi grumbles to herself, following Seika into the average city of Crispia.
——

“Anyone lost a… pink sparkly box?” Blueberry Milk asks through a megaphone he found on the floor for some reason.

The cures were at a local park yelling at random people if they owned said sparkly box.

“This is hopeless. Can we just keep the thing?” Blueberry asks, glancing towards the other nine (who were sipping milkshakes on shitty lawn chairs) and putting down his megaphone.

“But that’s not the right thing to dooooo!!!” Pure Vanilla cries, globby tears in his cookie eyes.

“That’s rich coming from the guy that said sacrificing a child to a demon isn’t bad.” Sparkling Sugar says, giggling softly.

“I was joking, okay!!” Pure Vanilla yells, stomping his foot like the head of one of those little drinking bird things.

“The worst thing I’ve done is duct taped my brother to a wall and left him there for 3 weeks— okay that is kinda bad.” He says, stopping himself when he realized that… erm… he was definitely NOT a saint.

But somehow, he actually never went to jail or got any repercussions for his actions. I guess he charmed the police with his signature (and officially trademarked) charm.

“Uh… hey, did you guys say something about a sparkly pink box?!” A voice asks.

It was our two favorite gal pals, Seika and Ayahoshi. They were looking for the precure box thingy when they spotted it… in the GRUBBY LITTLE HANDS OF THAT BLUE TWINK THAT I FUCKING HATE.

The cookie squad just simply ignored them.

“How about we ask somewhere else?” Blueberry asks, walking over to the other nine, somehow not seeing Seika struggle and fail to grab the box back.

“Oh, sure.” Dark Cacao says, standing up and throwing his lawn chair off screen. “Maybe we can get a snack while we’re at it too.”

All of a sudden, all ten of them just scampered off at the mention of snacks, leaving Seika and Ayahoshi standing awkwardly in the open.

“What the absolute fuck just happened.” Ayahoshi asks, as the remaining lawn chairs just fall over like bowling pins.

“I don’t even know.” Seika answers exasperated, especially since the two of them had to WALK to this city, and are now being forced to walk more.

“Anyways, after that dysfunctional friend group!” She exclaims, suddenly energized again.
———

About two hours later, the duo still had no luck.

They tried over 276 tactics, from using a fishing rod to try to grab it to buying a giant trenchcoat hat they could both fit in.

Somehow, the cookies never actually noticed these attempts. They thought it was just wind archer cookie playing with them.

They were so oblivious that they literally went to lunch, tried out AEKI furniture, tried cliff-jumping, and went to a karaoke bar without noticing the attempts.
———-

“Ugh…” Ayahoshi sighs, collapsing onto the cold hard floor of the karaoke bar. “Can’t we just ask them nicely or something?”

“Are you serious? You think the power of friendship and being nice will make us be seen by possibly the blindest people on Earth?” Seika asks, staring at her in astonishment.

Despite her doubts, she went up to the ten cookies, who were basically yelling ancient incantations instead of singing.

“So… hey. Can I please have that pink box thingy?” She asks in a fake-polite tone. “Or else I’ll have to break your ankles.”

“Oh, someone actually wants this thing?!” Pure Vanilla exclaims, looking towards her direction. “Why didn’t you say so before?”

He slaps the pink box into her arms.

“Well, I’m glad you were so nice about it! What a nice girl you are!” He smiles.

“…” Seika looks at him with confusion. Was this guy being fr? “Thank you…?”

“While you’re here, why don’t you join us for karaoke?!” Sparkling Sugar pipes up.

“Er… we’d rather prefer more… artsy stuff.” Ayahoshi says, slinging an arm around Seika’s shoulder.

“That’s what they all say!” Blueberry Milk rolls his eyes playfully, dragging the two girls to an empty section of the couch the gang was sitting on.

“Seriously? You’re inviting two random strangers to sing with you?” Seika asks.

“We don’t have to be strangers.” Pure Vanilla says like the friendly guy he is. “I’m Pure Vanilla Cookie and these losers here are my servants.” He says, introducing himself then glaring at the others as he introduced them.

“What a… nice name…” Ayahoshi says, trying not to seem rude when she really means the opposite.

“Why did your parents name you after a… food additive?” Seika cuts in, not caring at all about manners.

“What the vanilla bean are you talking about? We’re all named after our flavors…” Pure Vanilla says, starting to get suspicious about these random girls that somehow showed up in his karaoke booth.

“Flavors??” Ayahoshi exclaims in surprise. “Like… your fruitiness??”

“We’re just actual cookies.” Blueberry Milk says.

“…What.” Seika and Ayahoshi say in unison.
———-

After one explanation about cookie run logic, the two seemed to have… a little more understanding about the cookie life.

“So if you guys are cookies…” Seika says, walking slowly towards them. “It means you’re basically edible.”

She walks up to Pure Vanilla and insensitively… tries to… swipe out the frosting that is his hair.

“Okay— that one doesn’t count!” He exclaims.

Turns out Seika accidentally snatched his cookie weave. (Embarrassing!)

An awkward silence fell upon the twelve of them as Pure Vanilla fastened his wig back on. “We shall never speak of this again.”

———

“Anyways…” Crystallized Salt speaks up, trying to salvage the conversation (which might as well be 2763 pieces of broken glass on the floor by now). “What was in that pink box?”

Seika and Ayahoshi awkwardly glance between each other and the cookie gang.

Well…They couldn’t just tell them that it was basically a precure transformation device… and also because Seika kept her 24K golden labubu inside of it.

“It’s a… box of… hot sauce?” Ayahoshi says, trying and failing to sound convincing.

“No… bad Incandescent Spice! Bad!” Sparkling Sugar says, trying to hold him back as he tries to reach for the box, flailing around like a kite in a tornado.

“Sorry about that, he just… really REALLY likes hot sauce… DON’T BITE ME!” She yelps, as Incandescent uses his last resort attack and bites her arm, leaving a giant dent in her cookie arm.

“Well… uh…” Seika stammers, not wanting to give up the box.

She was RUDELY interrupted by the ground rumbling.

“What the fuck is happening?!” She asks, but couldn’t look outside as they were in a windowless karaoke booth.

“It’s a monster of the week! Such an amazing phenomenon, don’t you think?” White Lily explains.

“Monster of the… WHAT now?” Ayahoshi asks. “This place is even weirder than our hometown.”

“No need to worry, young ladies! Stay here, we’ll be right back…!” Blueberry Milk says as he and the other cookies slink out of the room.

———

After the cookies all left, Seika and Ayahoshi just look at each other.

“Those guys are weird. In a good way.” Seika says.

“Eh… I’m not quite agreeing with you.” Ayahoshi says, cringing at remembering the past 2 hours in which they followed the cookie crew.

“Let’s just transform. Because we’re precure, in case no one got the hint.” She says, pulling out her #matching precure mirror box thing.

Omg precure twirling change!!!

————

Fun fact: I didn’t actually design this group after happiness charge but it just… happened I guess. Like similar themes and everything lol

———

Anyways… back from our ad break!!!

“The precure which everyone will have a color debate about, Cure Silhouette!” Seika says, striking a model pose.

“The undeniably lesbian mid-season, Cure Elegance!” Ayahoshi says, striking a diva girlboss slay pose.

“And we are…like ribboning fashion precure!! Yeah!!!!!” They say, and then the wall of the karaoke booth crumbled behind them.

“Who the monster maker are YOU two?!” The monster that broke the wall says.

“Ew… actually, who are YOU?” Seika asks, cringing at the sight of the monster. “Our monsters of the week are usually not this horrendous.”

“Oh my gah, I spent 3 hours on my makeup today, and you dare insult me?!” The monster says, holding back monster tears.

“Well, it’s not my fault you look like you smeared a burger and soda over your face and called it makeup.” Seika smirks, a little too overconfident for her height compared to the monster.

“What the free falling?! Who are you two?!” Pure Vanilla (in his silly little precure form) asks in a surprised tone from the other side of the destroyed wall.

“Wait, who are YOU guys?!” Ayahoshi asks in an even more surprised tone, pointing to the 10 precures on the opposite side of the monster.

“We are the uh… magical magical precure group!” They say, trying to make a cool pose, but there were a few too many people to pull that off.

“Sounds like a bunch of KNOCKOFFS!!” Ayahoshi yells.

“WHAT?! We’re obviously older than you.” Dark Cacao exclaims, staring at the two girls.

Well, the two of them were only 16, but probably 16 times smarter than them.

“…Was I interrupting something?” A smaller voice asks from behind the precure cookie gang.

All the cures and the monster suddenly turned around to see Agar Agar Cookie. (Yes, the cookies of darkness thought that a child could definitely beat the adults.)

“What the… little child?! What are you doing out here?” Pure Vanilla asks, either genuinely concerned or happy at a new child sacrifice.

“Are you baking kidding me? I was the one who summoned the monster, you bean-head.” She says.

“WHUH?! My head is not filled with beans!!” Pure Vanilla yelps, even though vanilla is literally made out of vanilla beans.

‘Well, your hair sure isn’t.’ Ayahoshi thinks to herself.

“Okay, stop thinking about your bald ass forehead and just fight the monster thing.” Agar Agar says, resisting the urge to just try to bite Pure Vanilla’s hair to figure out if it tasted like frosting or just actual hair.

Seika and Ayahoshi kick all the rubble out of their way like it was simply dust on the floor, and catwalk over to stand next to the cookie precures— idk what to call them anymore, you get the point.

“So uh… precure, right?” Blueberry Milk says awkwardly.

“Damn right.” Seika says, preparing to do many Kirakira dress changes.

“Why are you just standing? Are you going to fight or not?” Agar Agar wonders, watching the precures and the monster just stand in silence.

“Shh… we’re waiting for the banger soundtrack.” Incandescent Spice says in a quiet yet annoyed tone.
——-

And here comes the soundtrack!!! Very pretty, very cure.

“Huh…” Agar Agar muses from the sidelines as the cures fucking destroy the monster thing.

It seemed like the cookie precures were just brutally beating it up, and the fashion precure duo? They were just switching between different outfits mid-battle while fighting in a style reminiscent of a graceful dance.

“Okay, chat! Are we readyyyyyy????” Pure Vanilla asks his buddies as the monster was pinned to the floor by a bunch of thick colorful ribbons.

“Precure magical group attack fr fr!!”

Bow wow wow!!!

Except it didn’t really exactly… purify the monster. It was about 99.99% there, but I guess the monster farmed its walnut toppings and got more defense.

“What the cure?! JUST DIE ALREADY!!” Golden Cheese exclaims, getting annoyed.

Seika and Ayahoshi looked at the scene from behind them.

“Is it group attack time?” Ayahoshi asks.

“I think it’s group attack time.” Seika responds, putting on epic sunglasses.

——-

“Precure!!! Epic super wooper fashionista ribbon mega cannon!!!” The two exclaim, releasing 2763 nukes worth of energy into the monster.

“Nyeheheh.” Seika says casually, like all they did was give the monster a rose.

The precure cookies just stared in shock.

“Why can’t we do a cool mega cannon attack?!” Incandescent Spice asks.

“Yeah, I think we could tell who’s the favorite between our two groups.” Ayahoshi says.

The monster vanishes into particles of love and joy, but before they could dissipate into the wind, Agar Agar captures them in her mirror.

“Aha! Take that, losers! Pomegranate Cookie will be so proud of me now!” She says, as the mirror glows with a pink hue.

“Wait; you can’t just do that! That’s CHEATING!!” Pure Vanilla yelps, trying to grab the mirror from her.

But before he got the chance, she disappeared into the ground, and he just fell onto the floor.

“Aw, rats!!” He exclaims in rage.

“Geez, get over it buddy.” Seika says, hands on her hips. “Just be glad she didn’t turn you emo or something.”

Instead of yelling back like he usually did, Pure Vanilla just sighs. “Yeah, I guess.”

Then with a 🥰🥰bam Waka Waka 🥰🥰 the twelve precures turned back to their normal forms.

“Wait, you two were precure?!” Refined Flour says in surprise as seeing Seika and Ayahoshi back in their civilian forms.

“Yeah, actually!” Seika says, doing a 180 from her bitchy mood to a more excited one. “I’d never thought there were other precure besides us!!”

“Have you forgotten that all stars movies exist?” Ayahoshi asks from behind her.

Simply ignoring her girlfriend’s statement, Seika opens back up her precure mirror box thingy.

“Here, have this, vanilla extract guy!” She says, handing over her 24K golden labubu to Pure Vanilla.

“What the vanilla bean?! Isn’t this like an expensive art piece?” He asks. “I can’t possibly take this!”

“Yeah, whatever.” Seika says, turning on her heels. “Catch you later, or whenever we meet again.” She smiles, linking her arm with Ayahoshi’s, then starts to walk away.

“Bye weird lesbians!!! We’ll miss you!!” The cookies say, saluting the two teenagers as they walk back to… idk man I didn’t think this over ok

——-

As the two girls disappeared from view, Pure Vanilla looked down at the golden labubu in his hands.

“Maybe there really is hope for beating Dog Encounters Cookie!” He exclaims, even if the only reason they beat the monster of the week was because of the Fashion Precure’s competence.

“Hey, maybe you’re… actually right for once!” Hollyberry cheers.

“Precure forever!!!” The ten of them cheer, and do a cool high five.

…That is… until next time. Stay tuned, as pure vanilla’s worst nightmare comes true.

Hyeheheh.

————
preview time!!

Pure Vanilla: next time on.. cough

Hollyberry: oh my rizz, are you okay?!

Pure Vanilla: yeah… completely okay… bleh.

Refined Flour: oh blue… it’s a 50% chance of it being blueberry’s fault and 50% of it actually being real danger.

Dark Cacao: don’t worry, I’m gonna fight the demons for you!! Where are they?!

(He starts swinging his sword in random directions)

Pure Vanilla: No need to worry… I’m completely okay! No evil stuff!!

Golden Cheese: Do you need cold medicine or anything?

Incandescent Spice: Not around ME!!

Dark Cacao: Turn off the camera… Pure Vanilla may have Cookie Virus 19

Chapter Text

In the college of Crispia, shit was going on.

“PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME WITH THIS!!!” Blueberry Milk says, clutching a poster in his blue Smurf hands. He was getting ready to get down on his knees and beg if it meant the other cures could participate in this random event he was obsessed about.

“What the sigma are you even talking about?” Hollyberry wonders, snatching the poster from him. “Okay, I’m not doing this.” She says after glancing at the poster, shoving it towards Dark Cacao.

“It’s a school play?” Cacao says, reading the poster in horror. “You want us to help… as in PERFORM?!”

“What about it? You guys are always being dramatic.” Blueberry shrugs, not seeing any mistake in his logic.

“We’ve probably tripped over our own feet at least 2763 times in the past month.” Refined Flour scoffs, not wanting to entertain the idea.

“But I’ve heard YOU sing, Dark Cloudy!” Blueberry exclaims, thwacking Dark Cacao on the head.

“I’m NOT doing it.” He says, annoyed and bruised on his head.

“Then what about you guys?” Blueberry says, diverting his attention to the others.

Incandescent Spice, Golden Cheese, White Lily, Crystallized Salt and Sparkling Sugar shake their heads frantically, as they didn’t want to DANCE with the Blueberry Boy.

“Oh, just perfect.” He says sarcastically, before his eyes slowly turn to Pure Vanilla like in a classic K-Drama. “Oh, perfect~!” He coos, grabbing Pure Vanilla to stand in front of him.

“What—?! You want ME to be your love interest?!” He exclaimed, blushing a little bit because he never really got loved in his life before.

From the background, the others just watch in silence as Blueberry Milk bridal carries Pure Vanilla off.
———-

“…” White Lily purses her lips.

“What’s wrong?” Golden Cheese asks, nudging her gently. “Are you perhaps jealous?” She says playfully.

“What? No.” Lily says, shocked at even the thought. “Who ever thought I WANTED that guy?” She asks, turning to the others, who all raised their hands.

“Well now that I look at it, it was a very one-sided relationship…” Sparkling Sugar says, embarrassed that her assumption was wrong.

“One sided? Does that mean…” White Lily glances at the direction Pure Vanilla and his boy toy ran off to. “Oh my blue, that boy has PROBLEMS.”

———

“What the oven is this ‘script’ ” Pure Vanilla asks, sitting on the auditorium’s stage next to Blueberry as he skims the 2763 papers that Blueberry Milk threw in his face.

“Hey, I wrote that! Be nice.” Blueberry says, playfully blowing raspberries… or blueberries in this case.

“Have you been hanging around Hollyberry too much?” Pure Vanilla asks, slight disappointment in his eyes. To prove his point, he flipped to the back, where a few handwritten notes were scribbled. “This is a poem about skibidi toilet.”

“ITS A MODERN ART FORM!!” Blueberry Milk screeches in rage.

“Hmph!! I guess I’ll ask someone ELSE to perform with me! Phooey. Ptew. Angry noises.” He says, gathering all his papers and storming off dramatically.

“Wait!! I didn’t mean it, my smurfy pookie blueberry!!” Pure Vanilla wails, realizing too late he just lost another one of his wives.

He was about to start crying vanilla extract out of his heterophobic eyes but then was suddenly surrounded by a black void.

“What the vanilla bean?! Where am I?!” Pure Vanilla screams into the void.

This time, the void actually spoke back. “Hehe… THIS guy is Cure Compassionate?” The void spoke, its voice coming from everywhere.

“Yeah! Wait— hey!” Pure Vanilla exclaims, after realizing that it was not a compliment.

“I was expecting something… but not a twink femboy!!!” The void proclaims in a false tone of silliness. “Are you sure we got the right guy?”

Suddenly Pure Vanilla could hear shuffling and hushed whispering.

“Anyways.” The voice returned, and the sound of mic feedback annoyingly rang out. “We’re not here for some giggles.” It says, dropping to a more serious tone.

“Man, Blueberry Milk would be ashamed of you.” Pure Vanilla chuckles to himself.

“Okay, shut up now rich boy.” The voice says, materializing a ball of the dark void, which proceeds to smack his head.

“What the flipping pancakes?! You’re asking for it!” Pure Vanilla exclaims, shoving the void out of his face. “Precure, Light Up!!! Yay!!!!”

———-

“Skibidi, skibidi, sigma rizz…” Hollyberry sings to the tune of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star while patting Blueberry Milk’s back, who was crying blueberry milk out of his eye sockets.

“Hey, if it makes you feel better, this tastes delicious! Better than Dark Cacao’s tears.” Golden Cheese says, sipping on a thermos filled with blueberry milk’s tears. (Someone stop this girl.)

Blueberry Milk momentarily stopped crying just to stare at her. “What… Please never mention that again.” He deadpanned, before starting to sob even louder.

“Maybe you just misinterpreted Vanilla Bean’s words.” Incandescent Spice suggests, thinking the whole ordeal was just a silly little misunderstanding.

“Of course it is, have you seen how dramatic this guy is?!” Crystallized Salt says, gesturing to Blueberry Milk, who was full on rolling on the floor like a roly-poly skateboarder.

“Okay, enough sulking around or someone will think you’re a mop and use your hair to clean the school floors.” Refined Flour says, dragging Blueberry along by his foot.

As they left, his soggy blueberry tears left a trail. This isn’t very relevant, but I just figured you had to know.

“Hey, speaking of which, where is Unpure Vanilla, anyways?” White Lily wonders, slightly concerned about him.

“Well… I left him in the auditorium.” Blueberry Milk says between sobs. “Wait… don’t tell me he accidentally dropped a stage light on himself!” He wonders, knowing that Pure Vanilla may as well have violent tendencies as worse as Incandescent.

“That might as well be what happened.” Dark Cacao jokes.

“Geez, do you care about your boyfriend at all?!” Sparkling Sugar says, starting to head to the auditorium entrance. “Let’s go save that guy!!”

———

Opening the auditorium door, the gang all peeked inside precariously, as the hall was completely pitch black.

“What the roots, rhizomes and other spice ingredients happened here?!” Incandescent asks, quaking like a silly alien.

“Don’t tell me… ALL the stage lights fell on him!” Hollyberry exclaims.

Before any of them could step further inside, the door locked behind them and a ✨zesty✨ giggle filled the air.

“Wait… I could tell who that is from a cookie mile away…” White Lily says, stepping back. “It’s him!”

“Poor Vanity Cutlery?!” The others exclaim.

“What? I meant Pure Vanilla Cookie.” White Lily says.

“Forget that… what the fermented milk is he doing?!” Golden Cheese says, pointing towards the stage.

“Oh my blue… it’s worse than we thought…” Blueberry Milk’s eyes widened in horror.

“…They made him EMO!!!” Incandescent yells, finishing the thought.

Pure Vanilla… or rather… emo pure vanilla… steps off the stage, walking up to the nine cookies, who were shivering in their boots in terror. If the villains could do that to him, they could probably do that to them.

“So… don’t I look STUNNING?!” He says, radiating sparkles and confetti hearts despite the emo look. To make things even worse(?), he strikes a cutesy pose.

“Uh…” The others mumble, taking in his… new style. They all just frantically nodded in fear.

“Aww, thank you lots!!” Emo Pure Vanilla says in a sweet tone.

“Ahem!!! I thought you said you would fight your own friends.” The void says. Turns out, on the back wall of the stage was a giant rift leading into the deep dark abyss. Scary!!

“You said WHAT now?!” Dark Cacao exclaims, getting ready to transform with his tambourine thing.

Suddenly, a giant monster of the week jumped out of the rift. But it looked… different? And scarier!! Ahhh!!! It was the new Monster of the Week Ultra Pro Max V2!!

“Oh, right...” Emo Pure Vanilla says, snapping back to reality and putting on the full ‘oh my blue I’m corrupted and evil now!’ act.

“Okay, time to fucking die!!” He cheerfully says, pulling out a magical chainsaw.

“AHHHHH!!!” The nine cookies screamed, but they realized they could just flashbang him with their transformation.

Flashbang Da da da da transformation music

“Ugh… this lighting does NOT look good with my eyeliner.” Emo Pure Vanilla says in disgust, shielding his over-exhausted eyes from the light.

———

“Don’t worry, we’ll save you with the power of friendship, Cure— uh... Compassionate…?” Blueberry Milk says, before realizing that this wasn’t the same Pure Vanilla that he met 30 episodes ago.

“Actually, it’s Truthless Recluse to you! Cure… truthless recluse… Cure Truthless!” Emo Pure Vanilla exclaims, jabbing a finger (painted with sleek black nail polish) at him.

“Seriously? That sounds like the name of some underground indie band.” Dark Cacao says.

Even though he was corrupted by darkness, Pure Vanilla was still not very bright.

“Ugh… whatever.” Emo Pure Vanilla says, rolling his eyes. “At least I’m not called Dark Sky or something.”

The monster of the week ultra pro max (or whatever I called it) roars and pounces towards the precures.

And damn, that thing was STRWONGGGG.

One hit from that thing could send you into a coma.

“We need to hold this damn thing off!” Incandescent Spice says, trying to chase the monster of the week as it dashed through the auditorium.

“Then who’s gonna save Silly Vanilly?” Sparkling Sugar asks, trying to dodge the blows that Emo Pure Vanilla was throwing at her.

“I wi—“ White Lily starts, being Pure Vanilla’s oldest friend. But she got interrupted by a certain blue jester.

“I will save him! I basically left him in here anyway…” Blueberry Milk says, sliding theatrically in front of White Lily.

“And what will you do, throw playing cards at him?” Golden Cheese asks sarcastically.

“Actually, no!” Blueberry Milk says. (Thank blue for character development!)

He slowly starts walking towards emo Pure Vanilla, who was blocking a hit from Sparkling Sugar.

“I’m going to use his own weapon against him. Friendship.”

“Are you serious right now?!” Sparkling Sugar asks, struggling to counter Pure Vanilla’s stealthy hits. But despite her very evident mistrust, she jumps out of the way to give him some space to do his magical girl monologue.

——-

Magically, an overhead stage light turns on, shining an ethereal light onto Blueberry Milk.

“Oh my blue, don’t start singing.” Dark Cacao mutters to himself. Only he was allowed to sing copyrighted songs!

“When I first met you… I thought you were really weird… and annoying.” Blueberry Milk says, hand on his cookie heart.

“It’s a genetic issue.” Emo Pure Vanilla says.

“…and I was right.” Blueberry continues, ignoring the fact that apparently Pure Vanilla’s irritability was genetic. “But I’ve grown to— eugh… tolerate you.” He continues.

“Boo!!! We all know you fucking love him!” Hollyberry yells as she and the other precures try to restrain the monster thing.

“Uh… that too.” Blueberry Milk says, trying not to break his dramatic expression.

“But we’ve been through a lot together, like when I crashed my car into the clubhouse roof… or that time broke your window! He continues, even though those were some of the worst moments in Pure Vanilla’s life.

“Wait, that was you?!” Emo Pure Vanilla asks.

“It was kind of obvious, idiot.” Crystallized Salt says as they punch the monster in the face.

“Stop ruining this for me, guys!!” Blueberry yells towards the others.

“Anyways… like I’ve said, I wouldn’t have ever redeemed myself and got this ugly ass outfit if it wasn’t for your power of love!” He continues, stepping closer to emo Pure Vanilla, who could have fired an emo bazooka at him, but was lowkey invested in the speech.

“That’s nice buddy.” Emo Pure Vanilla says, expression not faltering.

“But I know you’re better than this, my dear sweet vanillin! I should know, I’ve been in you before!” Blueberry Milk says, shaking emo Pure Vanilla’s shoulders.

“Never describe that body-swapping experience like that ever again.” Emo Pure Vanilla says, and the feeling of wanting to bunch Blueberry out of the stratosphere returned.

But before he could, Blueberry Milk gave him a giant hug!!! Hip hip hooray!!

“And here I was thinking we had to hit him with a finisher attack.” Refined Flour says, watching Pure Vanilla glow with love and magic and gayness.

———

“Yay! I’m not depressed anymore!” Pure Vanilla says as his outfit turns back into his signature pastel colors.

“Okay, that’s wonderful and all, but WE NEED HELP!!” White Lily says, as the rest of the precures were trying to knock out the monster, which was lounging like it was getting a nice massage.

Pure Vanilla pulled out his light-bottle-gun. “Time to meet your maker.” He says, trying to say a cool line.

Blast blast blast sounds

“Why isn’t it fucking WORKING?????” He asks, struggling to stay steady while a huge blast of energy erupted from the gun.

“Don’t worry! We got you, bestie!!” Golden Cheese says, holding him steady.

“YEAH!!!” The other eight cheer, and do the same.

BAM EXPLODEY FLASHBANG SFX

“We did it!” The gang says, while Pure Vanilla collapsed due to exhaustion.

“Oh… guess that energy blast was too strong. Yikes.” Dark Cacao says, biting his cookie nails.

“Why do they keep making bigger monsters?! Can’t they just give up already?” Incandescent Spice grumbles.

“Relax, fam! We’ll always find a way because we’re the main characters!” Hollyberry says as the auditorium magically fixes itself.

——-

Ring ring ring!!! Blueberry Milk’s phone buzzes with the most annoying ringtone ever.

“Oh hey Black Sapphire and Candy Apple! Why the fuck are you calling me?” He says, putting the phone on speaker.

“The branch, it’s…” Candy Apple’s voice excitedly says.

“It’s transformed.” Black Sapphire’s voice says, finishing her thought. “Into some sort of mirror!”

“The correct term is tropical dress dresser, actually.” Candy Apple says smugly.

“No, it’s like some sort of… Virtuous Mirror Mirage. It says it on the bottom.” Black Sapphire says.

“Well I think we just found our new attack weapon.” Blueberry Milk says awkwardly as he hangs up the phone.

——-

As the others scrambled out of the auditorium before anyone caught them, Pure Vanilla nudged Blueberry Milk slightly.

“Er… I’m sorry about the whole thing.” He says, trying his best to not sound sarcastic or bitchy.

“Okay, I apologized, okay. This ‘being nice’ thing is hard for me.” He scoffs, not wanting to pretend to be nice any longer, as it was in his bloodline to be a bitch all of the time.

Pure Vanilla started to run to catch up with the others, leaving Blueberry Milk at the back of the group.

“i fucking love bad boys.” He smirks, glad that his magical descendent was just as crazy as him.

———-
Episode 32 preview!!!

Pure Vanilla: Next time on…!

Blueberry Milk: Do NOT bring me back into that alternate dimension!

Sparkling Sugar: Bad Blueberry Milk! You have to get over Elder Faerie eventually!

Dark Cacao: Yeah, we have to ask White Lily’s faerie boyfriend about this mirror thing.

Dark Cacao: And also about those villain people and blah blah blah… We’ll just explain later.

(He presses a button on the bottom of the mirror and it starts playing the symphony song.)

Incandescent Spice: Can I keep that thing?

Dark Cacao: Why not lol

Pure Vanilla: See you next time baiiiii ^_^

Chapter Text

“Ah, this is the fucking life.” Sugar Swan says as she and Millennial Tree lounge on beach chairs and sipped on iced lattes in the Elemental Alcove while the rest of the Faerie kingdom was in shambles.

“I love how caring about my citizens, am I right?” Millennial Tree responds, clinking their cups together in cheers.

To make things worse, the distant screams of faerie orphans could be heard.

“Hey, at least we stopped that fire.” Sugar Swan says, even though the elemental guardians were the ones who had to step in. “Those damn faeries can deal with rebuilding their kingdom themselves.”

She grabs a shortbread cookie from a plate on a random table they had, and shoves it in her mouth, not caring at all about the cannibalism.

“Okay, your majesties, lounge time is over.” Elder Faerie says, walking over and kicking Sugar Swan’s beach chair into the magical sun.

“WHAT?! Our cookies!!” Millennial Tree cries as the plate of shortbread cookies falls onto the grass.

“Your schedule says it’s dance break time.” Elder Faerie says, holding up a color coded schedule.

“Oh! Okay!” The two cookies cheer, and skip off into the horizon. 

“I don’t get paid enough for this.” Elder Faerie thinks to himself as he walks out of the Alcove place thingy and into the main part of the kingdom, where all the houses were in pieces and charred like those well-done steaks in that campfire event.

All of a sudden, the rainbow portal appeared on front of him, and those ten fucking precure losers fell out and all face-planted into the floor, which was also charred and in pieces. 

Then the Virtuous mirror thingy which I forgot the name of gracefully floated out of the portal like a reflective sparkly angel and bounced off of each of the cures’ heads — each bounce playing an angelic sound effect — and into Elder Faerie’s arms.

———-

The 10 cookies on the floor groaned in pain, and also because they just got hit on the head by a dresser.

“Where’s my blue damn pizza, Dairy Cactus?!” Elder Faerie asks, looking down on Dark Cacao, who was carrying a pizza box.

“Huh…?” Cacao says, still dazed from the assault from that mirror. “Oh right. Here’s your pizza.” He hands the box, which looked like it went to hell and back, to Elder Faerie.

“Wait, Caca, y-y-you… h-have a j*b?!?!?!” Pure Vanilla exclaims, getting back on his feet. 

“I’m pretty sure half of us do.” Refined Flour says, as the others recovered from their unceremonious tumble.

“Wait, seriously?” Elder Faerie these, not believing his non-existent cookie ears. Did those pathetic losers actually manage to have a little bit of financial security?

“Yeah, I’m a YouTuber, Spicy boy’s an artist, spoiled blueberry milk works at a Target, and Dank Cacao works for Pizza Cookie. Also White Lily, Golden Cheese, and Hollyberry are rich for some random non-job related reason.” Flour explains. 

“Don’t say that word in front of the faerie orphans!” Pure Vanilla hisses, gesturing to the little faerie orphans curiously watching the interaction. 

“I just find it hard to believe that Blueberry Milk, who committed tax fraud, who doesn’t tip waiters, steals bank pens and does other illegal stuff, works at a Target now.” Elder Faerie says in stunned confusion.

“Hey, my good old pal Sonic Cookie said tax fraud is bad, so I listened to him.” Blueberry replies. He did not want to be nice to Elder Faerie, mainly because he was still extremely salty… or in this case, milky(?) about his bad breakup. “Aren’t we such… ‘good’ cookies?” 

“You abandoned your children and left other ones to die.” Elder Faerie says in a deadpan tone. “Remember those children from episode 25?! That van was actually their house, and you destroyed it! Those children live HERE now!!”

The cures just blinked in shock. Why the cookie ingredients did those damn children decide to live in a white van of kidnapping-ness? And also how the hell did they get to straightland?!

—————

“Anyways… Can we get to talking about the mirror thing that the metal branch became?” Crystallized Salt asks, pointing at the magic magic sparkly warkly mirror in Elder Faerie’s arms, sitting proudly like it was his pet chihuahua.

Elder Faerie glances at the mirror in his arms, which somehow obtained a pair of pink heart sunglasses, which may or may not have been Sugar Swan’s. 

“Right… the mirrory mirror of mirrorness. You have to like… channel your virtues or whatever.”

Pure Vanilla looked into the deep abyss of the mirror, which he just saw his own reflection, which, might I add, was horrifically handsome and attractive and other complimentary words.

“Channelling my spirit or something? I can do that.” He snatches the mirror out of Elder Faerie’s grasp and prepares to do so.

“Kimi no hato ni tobikiri, genki wo ageru ne—“ He started, but then all 9 of the other cures pushed him out of the way. They were not about to get copyright claimed over text. 

“Let me see if there’s an instruction manual here or something.” Golden Cheese says as she grabs the mirror. 

“It says— you have to combine powers with your other half—“ She starts, but then looks over at the wording.

“Wait, ‘other half’? What is this, some sappy live story?! Not that I'm complaining...” She mumbles, complaining about the manual’s interesting word choice. 

“Anyways…” She continues, “you have to combine the two halves of your power and do a Kirakira dress change— who is writing these?!” 

“It says Herta Honkai Star Rail™ on the bottom.” Sparkling Sugar points out. “Don’t know who that is but they sound hot.”

Golden Cheese looks back at the instruction manual. “…And after the Kirakira dress change, you can do a duo attack. Sounds simple enough.” 

“Oh!!!!!” Pure Vanilla realizes. “Hey, this Herta person is pretty smart! They should be in a society of geniuses!”

“So… do I have to teach you to use that or can you do something yourselves for once?” Elder Faerie says.

The 10 cures awkwardly stare at him, then sheepishly shake their heads.

Elder Faerie simply sighs, because even though he loves these scallywags, they are extremely dim-witted. 

————

“So like I’m going to give you these new soul jam cure ribbon thingies— you see right there???” He says, holding up the new charms and waving them around like he was teaching a bunch of kindergarteners.

The cures’ gaze followed his waving like those car dealership inflatables, and nodded in understanding.

“And you'll insert it into the slot in the mirror, you see??? Like this, YOU SEE????” Elder Faerie exclaims aggressively, making a motion of inserting the charm even more aggressively.

The cures nodded more aggressively as well.

“And then… group attack!!! OKAYYYYY?????” 

“Okay!!!” The cures smile happily, as if Elder Faerie wasn’t aggressively yelling at them.

Elder Faerie finally sighs in relief, as he finally got something into their thick skulls. He gives them each a unique cure charm thingy. “Can you guys leave now? I’ve done my mandatory appearance.”

“B-b-b-but—!” Incandescent Spice starts, still with questions in his little spicy head.

In response, Elder Faerie just shoves a chunk of Faerie Bush into his arms. “White Lily says this tastes good, so… just leave me alone, okay? He says, not wanting to deal with his shit.

Incandescent bites into the bush.

It felt like heaven for cookies. 

“Was it good?” White Lily asks, wanting to get all her friends in on the faerie bush propaganda.

“It… it’s DELICIOUSMILE!!!” Incandescent squeals, sparkles around his smiling face.

Hollyberry activates her tambourine, creating the portal back to Crispia. 

“Bye Elder Faerie! Love ya!!” The cures say, waving goodbye as they enter the portal.

“Those ten are definitely… something.” He thinks as he watches them leave. 

He opens his pizza box, finding a pizza made of 2763% glitter and sparkles.

“Oh, that’s my favorite flavor!”

————

“So… We have more cure charm thingies now.” Pure Vanilla says, tossing his up and down carelessly. He had to clear out a whole section of his closet to store all his devices. “Why can’t we just have like one single charm or something?” 

“Because the leakers will hack the merchandise.” Crystallized Salt explains, remembering all the years past when leakers would basically break apart the poor souls of the devices just to learn the name of one character.

“Can we try these things, at least?” Hollyberry asks, staring at the new charm, which was more sparkly than Elder Faerie’s sparkly pizza.

“Wait, they come in pink sparkles?!” Incandescent Spice grabs her charm and looks at it. “That’s my favorite flavor!” 

Pure Vanilla rushes to hold him back from taking a crunchy bite. “Wait, I don’t think that’s safe!! Don’t eat it, you still have so much to live for!!!!!!!!”

The sparkly charm flew out of Incandescent’s grippy fingies and into the air, where Hollyberry claimed it back. 

“Yeah, maybe don’t try and eat the plastic choking hazards…” She says simply.

“But I did hear they tasted great with hot sauce…” Incandescent says, always the one to try new food abominations. 

“Forget the possible war crimes and spiritual food experiments, we still have to try these.” Refined Flour says, holding up hers. It looked like an ice cream sandwich twisted into a ribbon. A very weird statement, but that was really what it looked like.

“You know what that means, Blueberry boy? Were their test dummies!” Pure Vanilla cheers, shaking Blueberry vigorously.

“Test dummies?” Blueberry asks, confused.

“It says it in the precure leader manual I found in a trash bin! It says it’s always the leaders who use new weapons first.” Pure Vanilla says. 

Little did he know that past Shadow Milk wrote it, and it was full of ✨lies✨ and ✨deceit.✨

“We need to overthrow you and elect a new leader.” White Lily says, speaking her truth.

“No way. You all love me anyways.” Pure Vanilla strikes yet another cringy cutesy pose. 

“Whatever, let’s deal with that later!!” Golden Cheese exclaims, pointing towards the horizon. “There conveniently is a monster of the week over there!”

The other nine glanced towards where she pointed to, and saw another monster of the week pro max ultra v2, and a stunning villain lady (pomegranate cookie my beloved) right next to it, because every precure season needs a drop dead gorgeous villain lady.

———

“GRRRR RAHHHHHHHHHH” The evil monster yelled loudly to emphasize that it was evil and a monster.

Crystallized Salt shudders. “Guys, I think it’s a monster of the week.”

No shit, salty salt.

“Oh, I’m so glad you noticed, it’s the new iMonster model.” Pomegranate Cookie says, greeting the 10 cures.

“I’ll trade you my CacaoPhone38 for it.” Dark Cacao offers. 

“Boy, no one wants your crusty musty 2763-hand CacaoPhone with half of the buttons broken.” Blueberry Milk says, crossing his arms.

It was, in fact, actually none of the above. It was shiny and new, and could be a replacement for his lost son, Dark Choco Cookie.

“I’ll give you 2 cents for it.” The monster says.

“No… thank you?” Dark Cacao responds, but somewhat curious about what the monster would do with a phone that was smaller than its hand.

“Monster thing! Don’t make deals with the enemy!” Pomegranate barked at the monster.

“Well I wouldn’t have to if you didn’t only give us old Blackberries to use!!” The monster snapped back.

“We do not have time right now for a monster union, just go fight those guys.” 

“This cookies of darkness thing is so chopped and chalant.” Hollyberry watches in confusion. “Was your work life really this ohio?” She asks, turning to the former beast cookies.

“Er…” The five cookies awkwardly fidgeted at the sudden question.

“It kind of was.” Refined Flour shrugs.

“Work misconduct?! In my precure?!” Dark Cacao exclaims, holding up his precure tambourine thing. “Not on my barely-referenced Ben 10 watch!”

Da da da da da catchy transformation music

“We are… some sort of precure group!” The cures exclaim, striking the classic delicious party precure pose.

———-

“Precure?! I eat precure warriors for breakfast!!” The monster roars.

“I think you need a better diet.” Pomegranate says. “…Maybe that’s why you suffer from indigestion.”

“I have an idea, guys!!” Incandescent Spicy hot perks up, head filled with ideas and possibly 2763 quarts of hot sauce. 

“What is it, my dear spicy friend?” Hollyberry asks. 

“Well it is kind of a stretch—“ Incandescent awkwardly says, but Hollyberry gently interrupts him.

“Any idea is good, just as long as they don’t involve sacrificing Dark Cacao’s CacaoPhone38 or the monster eating any of us.”

Incandescent’s eyes lit up brighter than the brightness of the light in his name. “It’s actually for the sake of us not wasting our old attacks, because our stupid ass author keeps forgetting about them!” 

“Oh, tickle my pickle! We get to finally use our older attacks instead of forgetting that they exist?” Dark Cacao says, overhearing their chatter as he tried to dodge the monster’s bullets.

“We can just use them to stun the monster.” Incandescent Spice replies. It wasn’t the bestest of ideas that he had, so it couldn’t really have tickled his pickle.

(Oh blue, I regret writing that sentence so much.)

“If you say so.” Hollyberry says, leaping into action. 

Punch punch punch, hit hit hit!!! And other cool sound effects.

“Precure… Basic Sparkly Attack!” Pure Vanilla says, unleashing his normal finisher, which was just a flashbang that cures. Get it???

“AHHHH MY EYES!!!” The monster screeched, but was still not stunned yet.

“Precure… Basic but still way cooler attack!!” Blueberry Milk exclaims, performing his basic finisher, which was about the same strength as the ancients’ upgraded attacks and the precure magical group attack fr fr. 

“Wait, why didn’t it die yet?” Golden Cheese asks. “Weren’t the upgraded attacks supposed to be… you know… upgrades?”

“Haven’t you heard? We spent our budget to give the monsters all Walnut Toppings.” Pomegranate says, fanning herself with her mirror, which was ultimately kind of useless.

“Precure… ultimate duo attack version 1!!” Blueberry Milk and Pure Vanilla yell, doing their super kawaii duo attack, and hit the monster with what looked like the aroace beam.

“😮” Pomegranate says. Guess those walnut toppings couldn't beat the power of friendship.

“How the shart did a mirror beat my mirror-made monster? They’re like relatives!” She throws out her arms in exasperation and disappears in a puff of smoke, dropping pomegranate seeds like they were sonic rings.

“Yay! We did it!!” The cures exclaim, going in for a group hug.

“How did an orbital laser come down and blast the monster?” Lily asks, curious.

“Precure Logic™.” Pure Vanilla says. “It says it in the instruction manual.”

“Oh, thank you, Blue!!” The others wave to the sky in appreciation. For a moment, you could see Blue smiling down on the ten like some deranged deity (which he is).

“So… wanna help me rewrite my super epic play~?” Blueberry Milk offers, papers already in hand.

“Better yet… how about we organize a dance for our school?” Sparkling Sugar says excitedly.

“Great idea, Sugar! And I have just the perfect plan…” Blueberry smirks deviously, as if he was going to go commit more tax fraud.

“Aww hell nah, the author is feeding the shadowvanilla shippers again.” Refined Flour realizes, looking at the paper of pre-written episode outlines.

———- Episode 33 Preview: ———

Pure Vanilla: Next time on…!!

Refined Flour: Someone needs to give the author more inspiration. 

Refined Flour: They’ve been so shadowvanilla-pilled, or at least that’s what Hollyberry calls it.

“Hey, there’s been a lack of other ships in the ‘algorithm’. Also why am I writing about myself getting bullied by my own characters?!”

Refined Flour: See? Absolute idiot right here.

Blueberry Milk: I mean…

White Lily: I don’t have a problem with that.

Refined Flour: That’s what they WANT you to think. And that’s how they’re literally writing us.

Hollyberry: Are you suggesting we…

Incandescent Spice: She’s suggesting we break through the screen and jump the author.

Dark Cacao: I mean, that’s fair, they’re literally called ‘Cure Freak’. Only a deranged person will have that type of precure name.

Refined Flour: Exactly. There’s nothing we can’t do!

“You guys cried over trying to solve a Sudoku off screen.”

Pure Vanilla: Stop harassing us. 

Pure Vanilla: Anyways… ad break over. See you next time!

Chapter Text

The gang was all decorating the school auditorium (the same one pure vanilla turned emo in) for their school dance or something. 

The administration didn’t really care, just as long as they didn’t have to pay for the damn decorations.

“Uh… blueberry, all these decorations either have your face on it or are themed after your colors.” Sparkling Sugar says, staring at the blue, white and black ribbons, lights, and balloons. 

Seriously, even the fruit punch was strangely colored, and has eyes in it, which may or may not have been real eyes.

“Well, some random girl…” Blueberry starts, unfurling a giant poster with his splash art on it, 

“…Who is the author’s friend, was so crazy over me that she bought all of these. And now I have to put it to use.” He finishes.

“What the sigma??? That looks AI generated” Pure Vanilla says, looking at the poster.

“Hey, I paid incandescent spicy spice to draw that for me.” Blueberry snapped back. “And who are you to talk?! You can’t even draw those world renowned stick figures yet.”

Ooh, BUUUURNNNN!!!

Pure Vanilla collapses to the floor, clutching the edges of his extremely feminine outfit.

“That hurt, you know! Like seriously, I think that physically hurt my spleen!” He cries, vanilla extract tears in his eyes.

Blueberry Milk sighs. “Fine… here, here.” He mumbles, as he grabs his hand and pulls him up.

“I’m posting this on SocialMedia123 for sure.” Sparkling Sugar giggles, snapping a picture.

“Okay. That’s enough.” Golden Cheese says, carrying Pure Vanilla in her arms and carrying him 2763 centimeters away from Blueberry Milk.

“What are you doing? Don’t take my scrukly munkley away from me!!” He yells in anger.

“We’re banning you from being in Pure Vanilla’s mere vicinity for now.” Dark Cacao says, walking up to him and slapping a sticker that says ‘Menace to All Social Spaces’ onto his giant forehead.

“WHU-HUH?!” Blueberry lurches back in dramatized shock. 

———

He was about to explode until he got an idea. “If I can’t have Pure Vanilla…” He starts, walking up to… let’s say… his next victim.

“…Then I’ll take Light Willy!!” He proudly proclaims, taking White Lily’s hand. HAHAHAH TAKE THAT READERS GET UNO REVERSED

“Excuse me, what the actual oven?” Dark Cacao and Hollyberry ask in surprise, while Golden Cheese and Sparkling Sugar shove their mouths with popcorn behind them.

“Well… the tables have tabled.” Refined Flour mutters while Incandescent Spice takes notes.

Pure Vanilla turns paler than the Shadow Milk Child Labor Factory™ flour.

“Don’t worry, I could always dance with you—“ Dark Cacao and Incandescent Spice both reach out to him at the same time.

“Wait, seriously?!” Pure Vanilla jumps up and does a backflip just for emphasis. “I knew I could always trust you, wifeys!!” 

Wow, he moves on fast… yikes.

He hugs the both of them, who just stare at each other and shrug awkwardly.

“You do realize the whole dance thing doesn’t start for like… 2.73 hours, right?” Crystallized Salt butts in, not wanting them to get so… close before the actual event. 

From the sidelines, White Lily sighs in relief, because no one wants to actually be with that fucking loser blueberry milk.

Notifying her sigh, Blueberry turns to her in shock. “Hey, don’t look so sad!! You should be honored, you all love me, right?” He exclaims.

“You literally kicked a child into the horizon because they… ‘looked at you funny’.” Refined Flour pipes up.

————-

About 10 minutes later, the squad had finished decorating the auditorium.

It was decent, despite the fact that it was all filled with merchandise and photos of Blueberry Milk.

“This looks horrendous—“ Golden Cheese starts, then receives a dirty look from Blueberry. 

“—I meant it has horrendous levels of beauty!” She stammers, not wanting to get kicked like that random kid.

The ten of them stepped outside, not wanting to ruin the decorations even more than they already were.

“So… you guys already got outfits, right?” Sparkling Sugar asks, ever the fashionista of the group. 

The other nine just blinked awkwardly. 

“I don’t think the majority of us even have a ‘fashion taste’.” Golden Cheese admits. “Not me though, that’s for sure.” She quietly adds at the end. 

Sparkling just stares at them aghast, actually taking in the gang’s… questionable attire for the first time this month. 

And when I say questionable, I mean QUESTIONABLE. (Cough cough especially the guys)

Sparkling snatches Lily’s wallet and give each of the others a thousand dollars.

“Here. Buy some nice clothes for the party. Or at least just something normal.” She grumbles, disgusted by the lack of formality.

She definitely knew Blueberry Milk would wear a sonic cosplay if she didn’t intervene, and Incandescent Spice would just probably take off his shirt and call it a day. 

“What—“ Lily was about to intervene when she realized this was probably for the best. She still had at least 27.36 thousand dollars left, so it was nice to donate to charity once in a while.

“Fine. Get something formal, guys.” She orders. “No Miku cosplay, Blueberry. And Dark Cacao, you’re not showing up in your pajamas again.”

“Are we splitting up for now?” Hollyberry asks. 

“Sure, why not? I don’t want to be the subject of the boys’ criminal fashion tastes, anyways.” Sparkling Sugar says.

—————

The ten of them were in two groups at the mall, trying to find… decent clothing.

“Uhm… what does ‘for mail’ mean again?” Pure Vanilla asks, staring at the mannequins on display in a clothing shop. 

“Just something fancy…” Refined Flour grumbles, being forced to assist the four dumbasses by Sparkling.

“At least let me wear a dress and I’ll stop being annoying.” Blueberry says.

It was a miracle he was able to keep his annoying behavior within himself, maybe just for the sake of preserving Refined Flour’s sanity before she tries to pull out another magical machete.

“Just stop gawking at the mannequins and actually TRY on clothes?” She asks exasperatedly, pushing the three bumbling fools into the shop.

On the other side of the mall, the other 5 were actually… DOING A GOOD JOB?!?!?! Astonishing!!

They were just trying on dresses, and oh mah blah, they looked more sparkly than sparkling sugar. 

“So… don’t you guys think I look ✨✨stunning✨✨?!” Sparkling asks, striking the lesbian pose™. 

Hollyberry, White Lily, Golden Cheese and Crystallized Salt just stare at her outfit.

“Why are you in a wedding dress?” Golden Cheese asks, pointing at the glittering white dress and veil Sugar randomly found.

She simply giggles.

“…What the oven is that supposed to mean?!” White Lily questions, extremely confused.

Sparkling still refuses to answer.

“Are you planning to propose to one of us at the dance or something?” Crystallized Salt asks, trying to figure out her implications.

Sparkling rolls her eyes. “Can’t a girl just wear a wedding dress to a college party? I can rewear it, anyways.”

“Are you saying that you’re basically going to be married soon?” Hollyberry asks, only for Sparkling’s answer to be a small smirk. 

“Anyways~!!!” Sparkling proclaims, throwing a random bouquet that she also somehow found behind her shoulder. “We’ll buy these clothes and wear them out.” 

The other four just nod slightly and follow her to the checkout.

“I just hope the others are doing well…” White Lily mutters to herself. She really did not want to dance with Blueberry if he was cosplaying as Hatsune Miku, even though Miku is really hot, but that Smurf wasn’t.

———-

They were actually just leaving their store, although half of the time was spent knocking over every clothing rack trying to figure out what the hell they COULD even look good in. 

“My best work yet.” Refined Flour wipes a single oobleck tear from her eye.

“I look like Hatsune Miku!” Blueberry exclaims. 

“That was… not my intention, but sure.” Refined says, taking in his appearance. He was literally in a 1:1 replica of Miku’s outfit, save for a pair of extremely sparkly warkly high heels.

The other three were just in classy (pretty androgynous) outfits with their theme colors because there’s no other way to say you’re a protagonist like wearing your theme colors.

As for Refined Floor, she was in a simple light dress.

(Knowing my art style, ‘simple’ means at least 5 accessories and lots of ruffles.)

“Okay, we still have an hour, actually.” Dark Cacao says, checking his Ben 10 watch, which somehow actually matches his outfit. 

“What do we do, play the claw machines and try good samples?” Incandescent asks, crossing his arms.

“Nah, let’s go outside and roll in the grass.” Refined declares confidently, hands on her hips.

“Your outfit is literally pure white though.” Pure Vanilla points out “What, do you wanna cosplay toilet paper or something?”

“Exactly.”

——-

The two groups reunited at the mall’s exit.

“Oh. My. Blah…” Blueberry and Lily say at the same time, staring at each other’s outfits. “You look…”

“Wow… Gorgeous…”

“Really ugly… I mean… slay!!” 

They clearly had different opinions about each other’s outfits, just saying. 

“Are those two serious right now?!” Pure Vanilla and Crystalized Salt both exclaimed, not at all jealous.

“Shhh…” Sparkling whispers, raising up a finger. “Let the polyamory roly-poly.” 

“What the rizz are you even yapping about, my moonbeam ice cream Dubai chocolate labubu pookie?” Hollyberry asks.

Oh my Blue, those two are basically made for each other.

“Do we have a translator here? I’m not fluent in idiocy.” Incandescent asks, silently pleading for someone who could help him understand a word of what they were saying.

Pure Vanilla raises his hand, jumping excitedly like a candy rabbit on rainbow cubes. “Ooh! Don’t worry, I took both idiocy and brainrot in high school.” 

“Of course you did.” Dark Cacao says, sounding bored, when in his head he was having one of those anime nosebleeds. Bilingualism is such a green flag!!

“We don’t need a translator right now!” Crystallized Salt exclaims, sick and tired of their shenanigans. 

Sometimes they think that the rest of the gang is just messing with them, because how did they live so long with such little brain power?

“So… wanna go get some beer or something?” Pure Vanilla suggests cutely. 

“Your definition of ‘beer’ is vanilla extract. And that’s literally what you cry out.” Golden Cheese says.  “So, if you want to drink so bad, go listen to angsty ship audios on Spotify and cry.”

“…And give me a cup of it too.” She quickly adds towards the end.

Ignoring the fact that Golden Cheese was probably writing reviews on the flavor of each of their tears, Pure Vanilla stops to think, which was very rare.

“Nah, I won’t. Also because my tears taste like absolute shit… but not as much as your outfits.” He says, making up his mind. 

———

Suddenly, Butter Roll Cookie stepped out of the mall, carrying bags of accessories and food, singing to himself.

“Nah not the fucking beasts who betrayed us” He thinks, upon seeing the cures. “Okay, suckers, it’s MONSTER TIME!!!” He exclaims out of nowhere, summoning a preppy monster.

“What the wheat? you couldn’t have chose another day?” Refined flour asks. “Why the oven is it that whenever something special happens you guys ruin it?!” 

“It’s because we have no soul, so we’d rather make you guys sad.” Butter roll says. “Now time to play Modgnik Nur Eikooc while you guys defeat that thing.”

“RAHHHHHHH MONSTER ATTACK!!" The monster of the week says, swooping in and grabbing Sparkling Sugar and Golden Cheese in its ugly and crusty hands.

“Huh. For some reason I expected it to grab more of us.” Blueberry Milk giggles to himself. And immediately gets snatched by the monster.

“Hey!! Give us our wives back!!” Incandescent yells at the monster.

“They call me the wife snatcher” the monster says. “Ladies, ladies, one at a time!”

The three in the monster’s grasp just stayed silent. 

“Despite the fact I am in a wedding dress, I’m not planning to marry any monsters of the week.” Sparkling says.

“Okay, idiots!” Blueberry yells to the cures still on the ground, who still haven’t transformed yet, because the producers just did not want to have to animate two separate group transformations.

“A little advice?! Or just… transform and HELP US?!” He screeches, starting to understand why Crystallized Salt was so pissed off all the time.

“Hit it with your heels!!” One of them shouts.

“…What.”

“What’s so hard to believe? Just kick it in the pinky or something.”

Golden Cheese speaks up. “If YOU don’t want to hit it in a girlboss way, I could always—“ 

WAM BAM WAKAKAKKAKAKAMAKAKK KIRAKIRALALLA

Wooo!!! waaaaaa!!!

The three land perfectly on their feet, and hold out their transformation devices. 

“Can we transform now?” Sparkling asks.

Transformation time yaaaaa for the word count that I’m not even looking at yaaaaaa

————

The ten of them pose, and the sound effect from kpop demon hunters where it goes “UWEAHHHH” plays.

From where he was chilling, Butter Roll sneakily snapped a photo.

“Okay, first of all…” Incandescent says, walking up to the monster. “I can tell your hair is obviously a really cheap wig.”

“Okay… I Love you, but what are you doing, spicy boy?!” Dark Cacao questions. 

“I’m weakening its mental defenses!!” Incandescent proudly says, balling up his hands.

“This isn’t reverse 1999... Hollyberry points out. “…This is cookie run kingdom.”

Well, whatever Incandescent said seemed to work, despite the fact that they were basically all reality damage dealers. Iykyk I guess lol

The monster thing tumbled onto its back, rolling around and throwing a tantrum. It even started crying gasoline out of its eyes. 

“Oh… uhm… I’m sorry.” Incandescent awkwardly stammers. He didn’t mean his insult to be THAT bad, but I guess the monster thing had the mindset of a 2.7 year old toddler.

“BLUBERRY!! IT'S TIME!” Pure Vanilla points towards the monster, doing the “return to darkness” pose that cure black and white do.

“Wait, you just did your dual attack last episode!” Refined flour points out. “Let us other characters get some screen time!” 

“Does it look like I give a fuck?” Vanilla says in a sugary sweet tone. 

“Aw man! I really wanted to dual attack this episode!!” Dark Cacao exclaims, agreeing with Floor Power. 

Too bad, because the yaoi squad blast the monster with the aroace beam again. 

——-

“You guys betrayed the cookies of darkness… to go shoot pride flags at monsters?!” Butter Rolls asks, incredulous. He really wanted to shoot pride flags too. 

“I mean… we don’t know how it happens either.” Crystallized Salt admits. Maybe Blue was secretly related to Yuri Jesus. 

“At least you’re not as bad as that Dark Choco and Strawberry Crepe. I heard that the pink one is the CEO of every cafe in the city now.” 

Dark Cacao suddenly stood alert, like a surge of electricity just shook him awake. 

“Did you say… Dark Choco?” He asks, poorly hiding his desperation.

“You guys know each other?” Sparkling Sugar asks. “He used to work for Darwin Enchanting Table Cookbook, but he has been missing for like a year.” 

“That’s my son.” Dark Cacao explains.

“Ooh, the drama is SPICY!!!” Butter Roll exclaims in a zesty tone, before receiving a piercing glare from Refined Flour.

“…Nevermind! See ya!” He says, peacing out.

“Can you tell us more about that?” Blueberry Milk asks. “I need to update that precure wiki page about us.”

Dark Cacao was about to speak when White Lily interrupted him. “Wait, Caca! It’s not your episode yet!” 

“So?” Cacao asks, tilting his head.

“Don’t you know?! If you reveal lore early, the universe will implode!” 

“Oh. That’s kinda bad. I guess I’ll wait then.” 

“How about we get back to that party, then?” Pure Vanilla suggests.

The ten of them de-transform, and surprisingly, their outfits were barely scratched. 

“Party time!!!” They cheer, and skip back to the school.

———-

“This is nice.” Blueberry Milk smiles as she dances with White lily. 

Honestly, I have no idea how this actually works because I have severe diagnosed social anxiety and never actually leave my room.

Some other INSIGNIFICANT NPCs are there too because it’s not a party when it’s just 10 losers in a complicated relationship. 

“Get me more fruit punch, LOSERS!” Pure Vanilla shouts at Cacao and Incandescent, throwing his solo cup at them. But don’t worry, they think it’s hot. 

“What a nice relationship we have, don’t you think?” Sparkling Sugar asks Golden Cheese and Hollyberry, who were just watching Pure Vanilla throw empty cups across the room in hopes that one will stick on the wall. 

Why is he doing this? I don’t know, beats me. It’s part of his trademarked charm, I suppose. 

“Eh, I wouldn’t change a thing about our group right now.” Golden Cheese says, watching Crystallized Salt and Refined Flour struggle to talk to people and standing in the corner. 

———

Episode 34 Preview!!!

Pure Vanilla: Guess what, losers?

Dark Cacao: If you say chicken butt, I will excruciatingly snap you in half.

Pure Vanilla: What? No, it’s a festival episode!

Refined Flour: It is July 16th. 

Blueberry Milk: Wait, what holidays are actually on July 16th?

White Lily pulls out her LilyPhone67.

White Lily: National… AI day?

Blueberry Milk: Are you for real?

She in fact, was for real. 

Blueberry Milk snaps her phone in half.

White Lily: …

White Lily: I guess I’ll just buy a LilyPhone68 then.

Pure Vanilla: Guys… chronologically it’s around September. 

Pure Vanilla: We’re having a mid-autumn festival episode.

Everyone cheers. 

White Lily: See you guys next time! 

She side-eyes Blueberry Milk.

White Lily: Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m getting a new phone and a new girlfriend.