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Chapter Text

Laurent wanted to talk. It wasn't often he wanted to just talk though. Edamura had to prepare for the worst. Laurent was going to ask too much of him and ruin the whole thing he had going on for himself. Like he always did. 

Edamura dreaded it. He dreaded being alone with Laurent. All the things he might say, might ask him to do. All the ways he could ruin his quiet life. 

He was getting ready in the mirror of a shity motel. Everything was a different shade of yellow. Either they chose to paint yellow or it was horrendously stained. It was all he could afford now that he stopped his conning gig. Coffee shop jobs are minimum wage. That's if they aren't willing to scam you. 

Edamura adjusted the cuffs of his sleeves. In 15 minutes he would meet Laurent at a nice restaurant, in his best suit, over a good bottle of wine, just to talk. So that maybe Laurent could get something out of him. Or get him into something. Another scheme of his.

Edamura followed a server around the winding tables over to where Laurent was sitting. A rounded booth away from the tables of people.

Laurent was fidgeting. He never fidgeted, he was always so sure. Edamura couldn't think of a time where he’d seen Laurent hesitate. Now, under the dim, fancy, restaurant lighting, he looked a mess. All sorts of backtracking and rethinking. His pale eyes shot up, all tired, and he smirked. Any tinge of nervousness was gone.

He stood up and grabbed Edamura up in a hug. “It's good to see you, edamura.” no nickname. He pulled away, keeping two steady hands on his shoulders. “How have you been?”

“Fine.” Edamura grumbled. Pulling away into his seat. “Well, go ahead. You can get to the point.” 

"My oh my. Already caught on, huh?" Laurent sat down across from him. Smiling only a little.

"I knew from the moment you called. Look, I'm really not stupid." He swirled the wine glass in front of himself. “Of course I knew you didnt call me all the way here for a friendly conversation.”

“You're right. Nothing friendly about it.” Edamura was pleased with his admission.

"So," Laurent paused. "Why did you come?"

"Just to see your face. I guess. Oh! And to turn you down of course." Edamura looked over his glass. Grinning smugly. Any one up he could get, he would take.

“Well,” Laurent cleared his throat. “You'll be happy to know I have nothing to convince you of. No more plans for me.”

“Oh, get real.” Edamura laughed slightly. Almost sarcastically. “Mister Laurent Theiry has no more plans? You must have thought of a real good one if you don't need to come up with any more to top it.” He laughed a little harder. “I'm shocked you could come up with something that good.”

“I'm serious. I've got nothing.” Laurent put his hands up. “Not even a current plan.”

Edamura made a face. It was amusing, to watch him lie so blatantly. Of course it was bullshit. The last thing Laurent would do is settle down. He could never be so docile. It was hard to even start to imagine.

Edamura sipped on his wine glass. Ripping his eyes away from Laurents untelling ones. Besides, why would he tell him?

“ Makoto.” Edamura shot his eyes back up. Laurent smiled so faintly it almost wasn't there. “I'm sick.”

“What?” He set the wine down. So what did a cold have to do with quitting cons all together? Edamura gave a scoff.

Laurent rubbed his temple. He figured it was better to just get it over with, rip the bandaid off. “I'm going to die.” He deadpanned. 

Edamura was immediately nauseous. His guts churned. His head hurt. He didn't care about Laurent, he didn't feel anything or anyway about him. If he were to describe their relationship, he would describe it as a lack of one. But he couldn't have another person in his life die . Not like this. It wasn't fair. It wasn't right. 

Laurent should have been shot high and dry in a big heist he orchestrated himself. Not ripped away from his own life against his will. A man like him should have gone out big and grand. Sick? He was going to die slowly? It wasn't right at all.

“Are you alright?” Laurent smiled.

“Yea,” he blinked himself back into his right mind. “Yea, it's just, wow. Uhm.” He reached up and rubbed the bridge of his nose. This was crazy. Unreal.

“Not the most exciting news. I'm sorry to spring it on you.” Laurent chuckled softly.

“Do the others know?” Edamura leaned over the table. Keeping it a secret even though no one here knew them, let alone cared. That made it worse for him. To imagine Laurent's death not being headlined on every news station in the world. Laurent was supposed to make an impact. He should've been in history books for his antics. 

Laurent just shook his head. “Didn't tell them. They didn't need to know. It's got nothing to do with their lives.”

“What's it got to do with mine?” Edamura shot back. 

The silence came on thick. Laurent shot him a guilty look. Like he'd finally been caught after years of running. “I just wanted to see you, I suppose. Does that bother you?” It had the faint of sincerity to it. 

“What are you sick with?” Edamura spoke quieter in an attempt to side step the question.

Laurent hesitated. “It's not important.” 

“Oh Jesus christ.” Edamuras mind started to wander. His voice went lower still. “Laurent, do you have cancer?”

“No, no no. It's my own fault I'm sick.”

Laurent looked away for a moment. Then back, his eyes fighting the gloss over them. “I'll die from asphyxiation. That's all you need to know about it. Don't stress yourself with the details.”

“Well who's going to take care of you?” Edamura knew it was a stupid thing to suggest. He usually spoke before he could think. Maybe Laurent had been lying this whole time and this exact thing is what he was baiting him into.

This would be a sick joke if he was lying. For all the lack of feeling Edamura had for him, he did trust that he wouldn't lie about sickness like this. He knew how much Edamura had struggled with loss in his life. Laurent had suffered from it too.  

“No one. I don't need anyone to care for me.”

In a moment of sick desperation and real emotions popping up in Edamuras gut for Laurent,  Edamura offered up his help. “Let me do it. I used to take care of my mom. I can help you.” He paused. “You shouldn’t be alone.” Not just Laurent that shouldn't have to be alone. No one should. 

Laurent went through a visible flash of confusion within himself. This was beyond abnormal for him. This was hardly Laurent. Not the one Edamura used to know. He was changed. Maybe they both were. 

“I'm sure you'd do a lovely job caring for me, but I'm in no need of it. I'm a grown man you know.” Laurent gave a familiar smirk. 

“The most immature grown man I know. It wouldn't kill you to get some help from others.” Edamura huffed. Leaning back in his seat, crossing his arms.

“Sure. You could be right. It might do me some good to have some help near the end. But I'm sensing that a certain someone doesn't really want to help, and just doesn't want his ego hurt.” Laurent peaked up. “Am I right?”

He was right, not entirely. He was never right entirely. “I don't want to help you to make me feel better. I don't want you to suffer by yourself.”

“Suit yourself.” Laurent gave in quick. Quicker than Edamura had ever expected. 

“How can I help you?” Edamura was as honest as he’d ever been.

“Why don't you come stay with me for a while?” Laurent half teased. But, he did want him there.

Edamura had been flown over here for just the weekend and didn't have a place to stay. He didn't have a lot of money either. Or many personal belongings that he had not brought. Nothing was holding him back, and admittedly he hated his old job and drab apartment.

If Laurent and him could get along while he was sick, it might be nice to stay in Laurents home. He knew Laurent spared no expenses on luxuries.

Chapter Text

Laurents apartment wasnt quite as big as Edamura had imagined. In his mind it would be the size of a mansion. It was a penthouse, sure, windows all around. But when it came to rooms it was simple. One bedroom, one bathroom, and an office.

Leaving him no choice but to sleep in the office.

It wasn't often that Laurent had an overnight guest that wasn’t in his bed with him. He didn't have any of the amenities a regular host would. The best he could do was throw pillows. 

Laurent tossed his keys over to Edamura. “You drive. We’ll go pick some up.” Edamura stared down at the luxury car keys. Weird , did Laurent remember he was into cars? It was almost like he did. That wasn't like him. He was probably just too lazy to drive.

The two were quite the whole ride to the department store. They were awkward as any new roommates would be, despite having known each other for several years.

Edamura parked in the middle of the parking lot. Right next to one of the flickering lamps.

When the fresh night air hit Laurents lungs he began to cough. Not very hard, but enough for Edamura to take notice. Asphyxiation, he had said. Edamura frowned.

The cough sounded gently strangled. Laurent continued to cough into his fist. It looked like he caught something in it. But whatever it was tucked away into a pocket before Edamura could look more.

“Is the coughing part of your illness?” He asked. He knew it was. Laurent coughed like that before. He didn’t like the man, but he paid attention enough to notice the difference.

“More or less.” He shrugged. His vagueness left Edamura strangely upset.

“Sounds painful.” Edamura furrowed his eyebrows. Then turned to go into the store.

They came out with a cart load of things. Besides the standard blow up mattress, blanket, pillow, Laurent had dumped in a few extra things as he walked through the aisles.

A lamp. The office didn't have one.  A fan. He had mumbled something about recalling Edamura had slept better with a fan back in mexico. And a bouquet of flowers. 

When asked why, he just shrugged and smiled. “It gets dull in that apartment sometimes. Too girly for you?”

Edamura didn’t want to start arguing with him so early on, so he let it go.

Laurent was human after all. Of course he got lonely. He wasnt a money robot. Maybe liking a collorfull buquete of flowers was part of his charm. Maybe Edamura could see it as something fun and interesting about him.

Edamura found it hard to remind himself that he was a person with complex feelings. He presented himself as so simple. And flowers were so stupid. They die quick. Whats the point of something thats gunna die?

Edamura caught Laurents eye. God, why was he even here? 

Laurent set up the guest room diligently. Wiping down the window frame. Washing everything before he put them on the bed. It was well into the night before Laurent considered the room ready to sleep in.

Things were perfectly tucked, perfectly placed. It was pristine. “Thanks.” Edamura mumbled. Finally putting his suitcase in the room.

“Let me know if you need anything, Edamame.” Laurent said, smiling and turning over his shoulder while as he went out the door. 

“Hey!” Edamura turned around. They locked eyes and Laurent didn't move. “Can I make you some tea? It might help your throat. If it's hurting.” He gestured. “From the coughing.”

“Sounds nice. I'll show you around the kitchen, yea?” 

The kitchen was large. It took up most of the living room space. A large island countertop stretched from end to end. Everything white marble.

Laurent rummaged through a cabinet and triumphantly pulled a kettle out. It rattled as he thumped it down onto the stove. It looked old, but never used.

“I'm not a tea drinker.” He gestured to his, also white, coffee machine. The inside of the pot was stained. A light brown rim on the shallowest part.

Edamura recalled the first time he met Laurent. When he was only an inch away, over his shoulder. He smelt like warm coffee. It made his stomach tight.

“Are you alright?” Laurent tilted his head. That smug smirk. “I know it must be hard for you to come to terms with my death.”

Edamura cut him off. “I feel bad for you, that's all.”

Laurent put his hands up sarcastically. “Right. Ill keep my fantasies of a warm and fuzzy Makoto to myself.”

Edamura scoffed. Now he was using his first name. Great.

I mean, what did they even know about each other? Neither had ever asked a question of that nature. Not even simple things like favorite color. There was no point in getting to know each other now. It was too late. Thats what it felt like for Edamura anyhow.

The cups thunked hard on the island. It echoed out into the near empty house. For someone who traveled so much, he did not keep trinkets. Really, it was no better than the motel. Instead of shades of yellow, it was all shades of white. But a cream was rare to see here.

Laurent sipped slowly. It wasn't good tea. It wasn’t steeped long enough. It was watery. Edamura had forgotten to put sugar in Laurents cup. But it was made for him. He hadn't had something made for him in years. Or at all that he could remember.

“When do you usually go to bed?” Edamura sipped on his tea.

He wanted to fit into his schedule without being in the way. From what Laurent had made it sound like, he wouldn’t be here lond. Edamura tried to ignore the idea. Keeping himself simple lines of thought made things easier. 

Laurent shrugged. “I dont keep track. Just…whenever I'm tired.” He rubbed his hands over the smooth porcelain cup.

For just a fleeting second, Edamura imagined him asleep. How beautiful he would look, eyes shut, mouth pressed softly together. That serine look. He’d always been beautiful. Edamura rolled his eyes to himself. It was a shame he wasted his decent face to be a douche.

Laurent smiled at him. It made that guy feeling well up to his throat. He’d always hated how easy Laurent gave him that feeling. That feeling of hate.  Never mind.  He was less than good looking. Edamura scoffed. He wasn’t good looking at all.

Laurent took another sip of the lukewarm tea. Then his eyes got big. He began to cough again. He covered his mouth with his palms and turned his head.

Edamura went to scold him about the hygiene when he saw something white. A brighter white. A more striking white than anything in the rest of the apartment. A texture you can only find in one thing.

A flower petal .

Laurent caught it up and tucked it away into a pocket. Not even acknowledging that a white flower petal had fallen into his hands. Out of seemingly nowhere.

Earlier he hid something away just the same. Edamura tried to convince himself it was a piece of his skin. Maybe a handkerchief he hadn't seen him take out.

But the texture. It was unmistakable. It perfectly matched the look of the other flowers Laurent had just bought.

Laurents cup thunked back down onto the counter. “Might be good to get some rest. Goodnight, Edamura.” 

Edamura was left alone in the kitchen. To stare out into the endless windowed room.
Laurent must be sicker than he thought. It must be something rare. But, he couldn’t help but indulge the idea. A flower.
He had coughed up a flower.

Chapter Text

Edamura couldn't sleep at all that night. He went back and forth convincing himself that it was a flower, then it wasn't again, then he wasn't even sure if anything was real at all. He felt like he was going crazy. 

He held his phone above and stared at the search bar. What was he supposed to ask? 

Coughing petals sickness , he typed in. That pretty much covered it.

The loading bar spun. So slowly his brain felt like it was melting. Then the loading bar paused, and in a split second hundreds of results flooded the screen. Pages on pages of answers, websites, pictures and examples. 

Hanahaki Disease , the top results read. 

Also known as, Love Sickness. Edamura scoffed. That's ridiculous. He scrolled further. It was unreal. 

He clicked into a site. It read, “ Hanahaki disease occurs when your true soulmate does not love you back. Each being has their perfect match. This match is the exact compliment to one's personality. In most cases of soulmates, it is a mutual match. Each person is the other's compliment. In the case of a Hanahaki patient, this perfect match up is one sided. The Hanahaki patient is perfectly matched up with someone else, but they are not matched up in return. This one sided love leads to such despair for the Hanahaki patient that they grow flowers within themselves. These flowers get more aggressive as the love goes on. Eventually killing the patient by way of asphyxiation."

There were examples of the different stages, the further end ones showed pictures of flowers the same shade as the one Laurent had coughed up. That nice cream white.

Edamura tossed his phone aside and got up from his blow up bed and paced. Back and forth across the room. It was dimly lit by the navy midnight sky. This was absolutely unreal. 

He went back to the phone just to stare at the screen. The words felt like they were blaring in his face. “ Eventually killing the patient by way of asphyxiation.” He shut the screen off. 

It all sounded made up. But the signs were there. He told him about the asphyxiation, how it would kill him. How it would take a long time to get there. Then, there was the one sided love problem. For as odd as Laurent was he was no stranger to romance. He knew at least a million women. Probably slept with even more than he could remember. He had to have loved one of them, right?

Oh my god, Dorothy. If she was dead, and he was left alone, would that make his love one sided? Or maybe she hadn't ever loved him. His flower petals were fairly far along according to the images. Maybe this had been his reality for years. It was just finally getting dangerous.

That's why he wanted to tell someone. And that's why he chose Edamura. Someone he was distant enough from, but close enough too, that it didn't matter what he knew. It was just someone to tell. A way to get this burden off his chest.

Edamura thunked back down onto the bed. This was the most deeply disturbed he had ever felt. If this had been Cynthia's situation he may not have felt this bad. But, it was Laurent. Something about it being him just made it unbearable. He couldn't understand it.

The sun was bitingly bright when Edamura woke up. It seared the curtains. A light breeze tossed the hot air around the room. It was nearing the end of spring and the heat was already kicking in.

Edamura rolled over onto his side. He couldn't sleep the whole night. He was stuck tossing and turning thinking about everything he had uncovered. It was absolutely something he was never meant to know. But now he knew it and he had to learn to live with it. 

His skin pricked up and smoothed over from the feelings of the new blankets. Today, he decided, he would slink back into his bed and sleep the sun away. He turned over again.

There, on the edge of the desk, was a small ceramic cat. A calico. The orange coat was evenly painted and the eyes were peacefully shut. Just one of its paws was held up. Edamura picked it up and felt its smooth paint. The polished finish of pottery was perfect.  

Was it there last night? Edamura had been so caught up in the thrill of his discovery he couldn't remember if it had. It must have been something of Laurents. He gently set it back down. 

The light tap of knuckles came from outside the door, “Are you up?” Laurent's voice was low and groggy. And, undiniablely pretty. 

Edamura cleared his throat. “Yea, uh, yea!” He scrambled for his pants. The last time he slept with clothes on was in elementary school. He never had anyone around, he never had to make himself decent. It was always just himself alone.

The door creaked open. It sounded like it never got used. “Goodmorning.” Laurent smiled.

“Morning.” He clutched the blanket to his chest. 

Laurent had light eyebags. The kind a college kid during finals would have. Faint enough to know that they're struggling, but light enough to see past. But Laurent wasn't the sort of person…well, Edamura wasn't sure anymore. What type of person was Laurent?

“Are you hungry?” He leaned into the doorway. But he didn't step through. He was already dressed up. A nice suit. Always a nice suit.

“Sure.” Edamura mumbled.

Laurent might be a nice person, If Edamura got to know him he could see him being kind. He was kind to Abby. Gentle with Cynthia. Good to strangers caught in tough situations. The only person he teased was… Edamura.

Edamura wanted to escape his brain. He could usually go weeks without having a deeply profound thought. It didn't take much effort to work at the coffee shop. Everything he did was like being on autopilot. This was so different. Now life was back to everything being new.

“Get dressed and meet me outside.” He tapped the door shut behind him.

Edamura fumbled through his suit case and tossed on whatever his hands got to first. He checked the outfit out in the mirror. It was awful. He quickly tore it off and fished for something else. He couldn’t believe he was doing this. Back home he never even thought about the way he looked. But god, did it matter now. He felt helplessly aware of himself.

When his outfit was finally acceptable he set out to find Laurent, who he had expected to find on the balcony. He hadn't even considered they might be going somewhere. Edamura opened the sliding door, only to find that Laurent was already on the sidewalk, smoking.

He puffed the smoke out into the musky city air. Edamura wanted to stomp the cigarette. How could he be so careless about his lungs when he knew that was what was going to kill him? 

“Hey!” Edamura yelled, leaning over the railing. 

Laurent peaked up just over his shoulder. The end of the cigarette fizzled. Edamura could smell it from all the way up where he was.

He leaned further to get a better view. “Are you serious? A fucking cigarette?” He mumbled to himself. He cupped his hands around his mouth and screamed with everything he had. “Laurent you're the dumbest man I've ever met!”

It was freeing. It was like getting everything off his mind. Even though he wasn't saying everything he thought, or even telling Laurent how he really felt, screaming was really doing something for him.

A million miles below him Laurent hardly made a face. Just furrowed his brow. “Careful!” He called.

It wasn’t casual, the way he said it. It didn't have that mocking tone he started everything with.  His voice was loving, and worried. And weird.

Edamura felt stunned and pulled back from the balcony quickly and turned to rush down the stairs to meet him. He felt sort of blushed. Almost flustered. Like he couldn't face him. He made it all the way to the front exit of the building. Then he hesitated. 

This Laurent was different. One that Edamura couldn't handle. The flirtyness didn't feel skin deep, it felt like everything Laurent said or did went right to his soul. He didn't feel superficial now. He was him, sure, still sassy and annoying. It wasn't wrapped up neatly though. Not like it used to be, that polished off feel. Now he was messy and undone.

The door opened. Edamura's breath hitched. Laurent had opened it. “What are you doing?”

“Thinking.” He retorted.

“About?” Laurent leaned against the frame of the door and waited.

Edamura imagined all the people who might walk past them and see this scene. He hated it, he shoved past out onto the street.

“What is it?” Laurent trailed behind. Edamura didn't know where he was going. He was just walking. As quick as he could. Just to somewhere, anywhere. “Makoto, what's wrong?” Laurent grabbed his arm. 

It was like melting. The way Laurent trailed him back with ease. “Where are you going?”

“Stop asking so many questions!” Edamura slammed his hands over his ears. All the deep thoughts were back. He needed to yell more.

“Sorry!” Laurent put his hands up and laughed. Sorry. That was 100% the first time he'd said that.

Edamura quickly wiped around. He had to say what he was thinking now or he’d never say it. “I know why you're sick.” He blurted out.

Laurent looked defeated. He was still smiling, but it was disingenuous. The little twinkle in him was gone. It had been gone. He slipped his hands into his pocket and sighed. “Do you really wanna talk about it here? I figured you'd feel a little more… negative about it.” He grimaced.

“What?” Edamura scoffed. Of course he'd be upset Laurent was dying, they'd already been over that. What made this any different?

“Why don't we talk about it over breakfast?” Laurent began to walk hurriedly. 

“Wait, Laurent! What do you mean?” Edamura trailed after him but Laurent was already far ahead.

Chapter Text

Laurent was tense from the moment they sat down. His eyes wondered, he fidgeted with the napkin. All he ordered was a black coffee. The thick plastic chair would squeak every time he moved. He was moving a lot. More than normal. So much that it was even obvious to Edamura.

There were plenty of stories about him and Dorothy. Abbie and Cythia gave Laurent the most sympathy when it came to anything about her. It all seemed very depressing. Everyone looked like they were living in thick fog every time she was brought up.

Edamura could imagine what that was like. He lost so much in his own life. It was hard to move past it. But he did, he moved on with his own life. He found it almost strange to see everyone, especially Laurent, so stuck. 

“I hope it doesn't drive you away.” Laurent finally spoke. “I'd like you to know I tried to stop it myself.” He said helplessly.

Sure, that was very much like Laurent. Push away the people he loves even when they were dead. It bubbled up in Edamura's chest. It was the situation he felt bad for, that's what he was telling himself. Now that this info was out in the open it was bringing him back to his old feelings about Laurent. The more he thought about it, this was how Laurent would act and things weren't so strange. At least, that's what he was telling himself.

Deep down, Edamura was still sick. So sick it rocked him to his very core. He hated this. He hated the way Laurent confirmed that it was true so quickly, and how sincere he was being. Edamura hadn't had enough time to process his feelings. It was all just happening and spiraling, and what was he supposed to do? It wasn't his situation to be in. He just had to watch it quietly. 

Edamura cleared his throat. His eyes wandered restlessly. “It doesn’t weird me out, Knowing… Well…it’s weird but, I don't see you differently.” He shifted in his seat. Why would he see him differently? The plastic chair squawked. It wasn't like Laurent wanted this. Of course he didn't want this. This was the worst possible outcome for anyone's life. Let alone… Edamura couldn't think of it again. 

“It doesn’t change anything between us.” Laurent clarified.

“Yea, yea.” Edamura nodded. His stomach hurt. He was desperately hungry, and this was the strangest he'd ever felt. It was worse that it sounded like they were talking about two different things. They had never really been close, not in a normal sense, but this was the furthest apart they'd ever been. “ Lovesickness… Sounds painful.”

“It is painful.” Laurent smiled in a soothingly sarcastic way. “I hated to be around you. Your face made it worse. But I just couldn’t leave you alone. Even now.” He swirled his cup, the foam on the coffee pushing around the edge of the mug.

He leaned onto his palm and looked up to Edamura. Their eyes locked and Edamura just couldn't pull away even though he was desperate to. This didn't sound like… 

“I'm sorry for that. It couldn't have been easy for you.” Laurent said sweetly.

The more Laurent talked, the more Edamura's stomach churned. Yes, okay, Laurent had the sickness. Lovesickness. They both knew that. They both said that. But not once had he mentioned Dorothy. In fact, he was really only talking about him.

“Are you alright?” Laurent asked. Edamura finally wrenched his eyes away. He was impossibly pale now. 

“You and Dorothy definitely had something special.” Edamura mumbled.

Laurent inhaled sharply. “ Makoto-” His voice was everything it had been on the day he had asked to talk. 

Edamura got up and left the café before he could get another word out. More running, he thought that could fix it. Fix what he couldn't change. If he just left it alone, all of this shit, it would disappear. Right? He would never have to face this. Them. What was this, them, anyway? He thought the sickness part was hard, but this, this was a million times worse. 

Laurent chased him down the street, into an alley. “Dine and dash? Makoto, your surprise me more and more everyday-“

“Just say it!” Edamura panted out. “I need to hear it from you…you aren't in love with Dorothy.” 

“Are you sure you're alright?” Laurent sidestepped it. If he saw the opportunity to get away, like any good con man, he would take it. But just now, in the cafe, he almost just said it. Out loud, he was going to say it. Edamura regretted running before he could hear him say it. 

“Admit that and I won't make you say anything else.” Edamura grabbed him as hard as he could.

His blue eyes flashed wide. Into… just something. Then, another one of Laurent's pathetic half smiles. His very worst habit. His most attractive trait. “I'm not in love with her.” Nothing tense, nothing more than his disagreeable half smile, and eyes that could suck you down to the core of the earth. Anyone could see it, he wasn't lying.

Edamura had never been more relieved to hear anything in his life, and never more nervous for what would come after this very moment. His brain was getting stirred. “I think I might throw up.” Edamura slumped over to his knees in front of Laurent. 

“Go ahead.”

Edamura would have gone on and kept talking. He wanted to say what they were both thinking. Laurent didn't have to admit that, but he could. He would have admitted it right there. Laurent was saying he was in love with him, and he was in love with Edamura enough for it to kill him. Somehow it was more unbelievable than the sickness itself. Laurent was in love with him.

For two people in the exact same world they were light years apart. They hardly had a thing in common. The two had been desperately mean to each other for years. Laurent teased Edamura relentlessly. Enough for it to make him hate Laurent for it. Now he was telling him he was in love ? It was a stupid lie he would never fall for. But, it seemed true. Not elaborate enough to be a scheme. Just raw human emotion. 

He crouched over against one of the alley walls. Pressing his forehead into the cool stone. It soothed his oncoming head ache and burning guts. The pit in his stomach was so deep it felt like it was going to flip him inside out.

If he could, he'd disappear back to Japan, back to that dingy coffee shop, and it would be better this time because he would know it was the best option for his life. He’d accept it now. He wouldn't complain anymore, he’d enjoy the peace of mind he didn't know he had. Back when he didn't have to think of anything if he didn't want to. Life was simpler, less filled with brooding philosophical questions. 

Between his imagination of home, he couldn't help but imagine Laurent. His face painted like everything was in direct sunlight. Edamura couldn't take it. He felt horrible for Laurent, he really did, and he didn't want him to suffer. He could say that, he had decided that. That's how he really felt. But he couldn’t even begin to grasp his situation. Just as much as he wanted to run away again, he wanted to stay. He was deep in this now.

He didn't want to be weak, “When did you know how you felt for sure?” He turned to Laurent. 

Laurent was leaned up against the wall, already staring down at him. That something in his eyes. “The day I met you.”

He's crazy . Edamura turned back to the wall. The clarity and certainty of the answer let him down softly. After a second of resting his mind he was brutally reminded that he had absolutely just dined and dashed after keeping his record clean since prison. 

He shot up. “ Shit shit shit, Laurent we just robbed that place!”

“All I got was a coffee? That's hardly a robbery.”

“It comes out of the workers' pay checks when they comp it.” Edamura huffed. Straightening himself out despite his ragingly sick body. 

“It was a five dollar coffee.” Laurent furrowed his brow.

“Well, it's not about that! It's never been about that.”

When they got back Edamura immediately confessed to the crime, as if he’d shot the whole staff and ran. He apologized so profusely the waitress looked like she might cry. Honestly, Laurent thought they would have preferred if they hadn't come back. But Edamura would have sooner died than not paid. 

It was hard to get the idea of that boy who ran for miles back in Japan, where Laurent first met him. The boy who was too prideful to even confess to his crimes when they were so obviously committed. The boy who would have done petty theft for fun. Maybe that was who Laurent was in love with. Or maybe it was the man who would go to jail for all the crimes Laurent had forced him to do, and all the ones he simply felt bad for choosing to do himself. The man who took responsibility for things he never had to. The man who would still stay with him when he was sick just because he feared Laurent would be lonely. He was in love with the person who was kinder than they knew and forever to prideful to notice. 

Laurent loved Edamura so deeply it killed him everyday, and he had never been happier. As much as it was hurting him, having Edamura around was all he could ask for in the end. 

When he was a teen the thought of death would hit him like bricks. Like any person, he was scared of it. What would it mean for him when it happened? If he could tell himself he would die knowing real love, maybe he wouldn't be so scared. Now that it was in his face everyday, loudly running down streets and dangling over balconies, it wasn't so bad. 

Edamura would never love Laurent. Never in a million years. But he would care about him. He would think about him, negative or positive, and he would be in Laurent's life. That's all that mattered.

Getting back to Laurent's apartment together was awkward, clumsy, and strange. Like meeting for the first time. But it was peaceful and something quiet. As well as being worse than when they started. In every way, it was unbearable.

Chapter Text

It wasn't hard for the two to settle into a routine. They both craved normalcy. To have things to look forward to and expect each day. A few weeks later, they found themselves eating dinner at the table together and talking about their days in detail, even if things had been mundane things for them. Laurent would cook the meal and Edamura would do the dishes, then make each of them a cup of tea. 

“I can clean up.” Edamura offered like he always did. 

The routine, and the familiar feeling that came with it, almost, reminded him of the coffee shop. It was bitter sweet. Even though things were objectively good, now and then, he was craving something else. Something that was either more or different. Just not what he had. 

The house was starting to feel familiar. In an unsettling way. Edamura didn't have to ask where things were anymore. When he cleaned up he mindlessly put things away. So much so he would catch himself deciding that he would change the layout of dishes or cups, just because he wanted to. Just because it made his life easier and he’d be back in this very same kitchen the next night to do this routine all again. 

His life was adjusting itself and he hadn’t even seen it happen. The cabinet handles felt normal in his palm. He didn't mind cleaning. He was starting to like it. It was like something had been filled up in him. 

He bent down to put something in the dishwasher when he heard it. The worst part of it all. A part that he would continually forget just to be brutally reminded of it once it started.

Laurent would have coughing fits. Hard ones that would last minutes. What made it so bad was Laurent's desperate attempts to cover up his coughing like nothing was happening and Edamura had no idea. Laurent pretended Edamura didn't know anything about him at all. 

Quietly, Edamura placed a glass of water down in front of him. “Does it hurt?” It always hurts. By just the sound of it you could tell. It was torture.

A few petals would fall out and it would be over. But what Laurent wouldn’t reveal is what would linger just beneath that. Through watery eyes Laurent attempted to answer, only for his words to get caught on another cough. He put his hand to his chest and took one deep breath in. He could feel the thorns as they came up. The way they tore through gummy flesh and left him raw. 

It was worse to cough them up and out, and show how bad it was getting. He would rather it fester inside him. Swallow it back down. The rot would be an easier death than this, he thought.

With a weak hand he reached for the glass in front of him. The cool water soothed the sour parts of his throat. He swallowed again, hard, and firmly placed the cup back down. “I just need some rest, good night.”

Edamura nodded. “Sleep good.” There was nothing more to say. This was going to be it till it was completely over. 

The echo of Laurent's door shutting in that big house was the loneliest.

A few days later Edamura woke up just minutes before his alarm. His body had an internal timer now. The sun would come up and not a moment later he would be wide awake. Before the alarm could even go off Edamura was clicking cancel. 

Most days he would make food for Laurent. He didn't have a job yet and it didn’t seem like he was going to hunt for one anytime soon. If he ever brought it up Laurent would just say, “whats the point?” he could pay for it. 

Edamura had come to the notion that he was here as a care giver. The rest of the ideas he had sifted through felt unrealistic. Even too positive at times. He was hardly a friend and he definitely wasn't a lover, but he knew how to care for the dying. That's why he was meant to be here.

So, to do his part, he would make breakfast, do dishes, clean. Any other task he could think to do, he would do it. Quietly and without complaint. If it made Laurent's life easier it must have been Edamuras fate to do.

Normally Laurent would be awake by the time the food was done. Sometimes even while it was being cooked. But this morning his room was sealed shut. The food was getting cold by the time Edamura decided to go check.

He gently tapped his knuckles on the white wood door. Nothing in response. Not a mumble, or a creak. Edamura felt his heart drop. He swung the door open, expecting the worst. But there was nothing at all. Just an empty room.

Nothing was worse. How could he grieve nothing? Death should not be a disappearance, it should be acceptance of something lost. Edamura had this image that he’d hold Laurent's body and mourn him one last time. 

He grabbed his coat and swung it on. Laurent wouldn’t have slipped out in the night…would he? How long had he been gone? Worse, how long would he have been dead right now?

As Edamura rushed out the door he thought of all the ways it would look. It could be bloody. Maybe he wouldn’t even notice the flowers through it. He didn't know. It could be anything. The more he thought about it the more he realized how little he knew.

He never knew as much about Laurent as he thought. But if he did know one thing undeniably, it was that Laurent was a con man and he would hide as long as it took to lose you.

While he was aimlessly wandering the streets he was called by a voice. “Excuse me!” She chirped. A girl, about his age, no taller than 5 foot, smiled in his direction. In her arms was a tray of fresh buns. The steam rising off them. She outstretched them. “Would you like one?”

“Sure.” Edamura stammered. He took one slowly, taking his time to look at her. 

She was beautiful. Like an actor. He thought maybe she might really be one. Maybe he was being pranked. But as he sneakly checked for cameras, he found there was none. Just her, and she was…beautiful.

She had big doe eyes with these long black lashes that draped around them. Making her look like a doll. Her lips were tinted just lightly red. All down her back was wavy brown hair. The cherry on top, she wore glasses. Cute large ones that were slipping down her face. 

She hesitated. Opening her mouth, then snapping it shut. When she did speak, out came words Edamura thought he’d never hear. “Could we exchange numbers?” She tilted her head and then laughed at herself. Like it was stipid that she would ask him. “If you don't have a girlfriend of course! Otherwise you can just take the bread, don't feel bad-“

He fumbled for his phone and cut her off by handing it over. “Go ahead.” 

She put the number in and briskly handed it back and that was that. They both politely smiled and went their separate ways. Except, something lingered for Edamura. This feeling at the pit of his gut. A weird guilty feeling.

There was an ache in his feet as he continued to pace around the cramped side walk. She was crowding his mind with all sorts of images. Those eyes, her pretty hair, what it might be like to hold her hand, or just hold her. As he would think harder about her, what they might do, there would be Laurent.

What was the point of any of this? He deserved to live his own life. He deserved to talk to girls separate from what he did as a con man. He should be able to move on by now. New feelings about old people shouldn’t be happening. Still they were, and they were impossible to ignore.

Edamura slugged his way back to the apartment. Laurent was no where to be found outside, and his dream girl had basically just asked him out. This should be good, it should all be a positive for his life. Two years ago the thought of Laurent running away from him would have made his whole life better. Now, it was miserable.

He opened the door expecting perfect silence. Just like he left it. Instead he was met with the sound of furniture squeaking. It grinded against the hard wood floors.

When he peaked into the room it was coming from, there was Laurent, rearranging his room to fit a bed with a frame. Instant relief washed over him. He was safe. 

“Consider it a house warming gift.” Laurent smiled. Normally Edamura might have had some big grand reactions, but for the first time, he was left speechless. The room was entirely redecorated. His suitcase that had never been unpacked was put away neatly. Laurent said nothing at all. Just one sentence and out the door again.

Edamura should have said something. Thanked him, berated him. That would have been right. 

Even though he knew what he should be doing, or what was most like him to do. Lately he’d been feeling less and less like himself.

Later that night Edamura was sitting on his bed, deep in thought. It was hard to decide what to text. Edamura wanted to talk to her. He thought it might help soothe some curiosity. Maybe make his future feel more secure. After several drafted and deleted texts he sent a simple, “hi!”

Immediately the loading button on the other end started to putter. Her response appeared quickly after. A paragraph,

“Hiii! Omg I'm so glad you responded! I saw you the other day at the cafe across the street and I wanted to say hi. But you seemed busy lolol. I'm glad I caught you today!”

Their conversation seemed to just flow. They didn't need filler words and there weren't any awkward pauses. They just talked. About all sorts of things. Edamura's stomach was doing flips. He was like a teenage girl. Fingers clunking against each other as he pressed each button. Terrified to hit send, excited for her every response. 

Finally, she sent the confirming question. “Do you wanna go on a date?”

He didn’t hesitate to write out his response. He wanted to. He wanted to talk with her in person. She was great. She was everything he thought that he wanted, what he thought love had to be. But something was stopping him.

He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t send the message. He let out a frustrated grumble and shut his phone down. It was now or never. If he didn’t respond to her text right now there was for sure no chance at love between them. Saying nothing at all was practically a rejection. How could she like him if he left her on read after such a good conversation?

Even knowing all this he still didnt respond. He opened he message several more time and still said nothing. Over and over he frustratedly turned his phone off.

To clear his mind he got up out of his bed and began to pace circles in the room. Looking around and seeing all Laurent had did for him was oddly embarrassing. Seeing it when the reason he couldn’t respond was because of Laurent. It muddled his mind. 

A little walk could help. He left to the living room. Where Laurent had fallen asleep watching tv. The large tv screen still went. Laurent's show playing quietly. 

Edamura watched Laurent as he adjusted in his sleep. His nose twitched from some unknown spec of dust. His eyebrows furrowed when he got a chill and he pulled the blanket hard around his shoulders. The bags under his eyes were heavy and dark. He was painted with this deep exhaustion. He looked almost skinnier. Somehow paleler. 

He had been sicker. The coughing made him gag recently. Once it started, it didn’t stop. Not until every flower pushed its way out. 

Laurent stirred, and gasped. And then he began to cough. And gag. He didn’t sit up right away. Instead, he struggled for a moment. Laying down with his hands to his chest. A shock of air finally hit his lungs and he stumbled up to go to the bathroom. Not even stopping to acknowledge Edamura.

You could hear everything from down the hall. Every sick wretch. The skin that it peeled away as it came up. 

Edamura waited for it to be over. He couldn’t help anyway. He wanted to run away from here. Plug his ears tight and pretend none of this was happening.

After a few minutes of waiting the gaging stopped entirely. It was silent for a moment. Then, Laurent came out of the bathroom. Face sunken and tired but it was like he didn't notice it. He pretended not to. He grabbed his jacket and keys and swung the front door of the house open. 

He turned back around in the door frame. “Goodnight.” He paused. Then he was gone. 

He was gonna find someone tonight. He was gunna fuck someone tonight. Laurent was gonna do whatever it took to scratch that face out of his brain. Even if it was just for a few hours. By the time the sun shined again he would breathe a little better. Every memory would be a little blurrier. He'd smell like something else. Something unfamiliar enough to clear his head.

He didn’t bother to dress up nice. Laurent was never the type to doubt himself. There was a charm there regardless of how polished he was. He was good looking, he knew he was, but more than that he knew he could talk.

A shity dive bar was all he needed. Anyone there would find him exceedingly charming. It didn't matter if he wore a suit or his casual clothes there. 

Not a second after her ordered his drink he spotted a woman. Not a single bit of her reminded him of…he didnt want to think of it when it was the one thing he was trying to get of his mind.

With a swing of his drink he approached her. Making his way across the room while he adjusted his sleeves. She was a pretty blonde with big brown eyes so shimmery that they looked like the sun. She smilled at him. Her pretty, dark lips curled up. She sipped her drink and greeted him first.

“Maria.” She reached her hand out to him.  He took it smoothly.

“Laurent.”

She hummed. Pretending to be unimpressed. “Were you ‘hoping to buy me a drink?’ ” She mocked before he'd said a word.

“What? Can a man not approach a beautiful woman out of curiosity and offer her a simple conversation starter?” Laurents opening line was always a drink. It was a great way to spark conversation, he thought.

“A man can do whatever he wants. Im just…hardly jazzed.” She grinned. “I would like a drink though. If you're offering.”

“What do you get?”

“Gin and tonic.” She grinned wider.

They drank and talked for a while before she offered the closing deal.  “My friends are at the bar a few blocks away. Walk there with me?” She looked up through her eyelashes as she said it. Laurent knew this game. He’d seen all sorts of people play it.

 Get lost on the way there, find a good place to fuck, ditch each other and go home. Or, he’d get even luckier. They could go back to a hotel. Or to a party with a bedroom they could use. It was an invitation for it, however it happened.

Laurent slid his arm around her waist as they walked. The clink of her heals was almost sobering. It was clear and strong and knew what it wanted. She wanted him and she didnt doubt it for a second. 

Though Laurent hated to admit it, he was drunker than she was. She used her hip to support him several times. Her clear unquestioning steps left him uncomfortable. They stopped in front of the new bar. The led lights flickered above them.

He stumbled over the sidewalk and disconnected from her. She turned back, brows turned up. “Something wrong?”

For once, Laurent fumbled his words to a stranger. He couldn’t get a thing out. All she did was look at him sideways.

Laurent knew he didnt was this. He wanted Edamura. He'd want him for the rest of his life. Nothing would ever compare to him. Not even the prettiest woman in LA

“Are you gunna, ya know?” She made a gaging motion with her finger.

Laurent shook his head. “No, im alright. I just remembered i have work in the morning, so i have to go.” He wandered forward. Stumbling more and the shifting cracks in the street.

“Let me call you an uber then.” She frowned.

“My place isnt far from here.” He smoothed his hair down. “Have fun with your friends.”

“Are you serious?” She huffed. “Whatever.” She said, slamming the door.

Laurent wasn't ready to go home. Being there would have been worse than what he’d just done. Embarrassing himself was one thing. Facing the stupid reason he'd done it was another.

He wandered around the streets. Falling into poles, tripping into people. He looked like a dunce. His heart was bubbling over. It was like being on fire. Burned alive. There was this sensation running up his throat. Tears softly dripped down his face. Stinging like acid all the way down.

He crouched over on the sidewalk a few blocks away from his house. Secretly he hoped he would die right there.

Edamura returned to his phone. Opening and shutting the message. Moving on from things was not his strong suits. That was part of the reason he made a good con artist. He saw things through till the very end. As much as he wanted to ditch out on things that stressed him out, he’d always find himself coming back to it.

As desperate as he was to respond he couldn't think of a thing. He shoved his phone under the pillow. Then pulled it back up again. Then threw it on the floor. He audibly groaned and shoved his face into the pillow. He just needed sleep. Thinking about and Laurent was frying his brain.

Laurent came home deliriously drunk. He wandered to Edamura's room. Maybe it was comforting to know another soul laying still just on the other side, someone that might not judge him for being dumb. Not anymore he wouldn't.

Kindness was new to him. This kindness was what he’d quitely hoped for. A domestic sort of life. Something soft that wouldn’t be pointless to leave. He would retire the man he was and lay his head on fresh sheets each night. Small things would matter. He could imagine the way it would feel, to hold that hot cup of coffee in his hand while the morning news played and a familiar hand rested on his thigh.

He tasted it with the very person he’d dreamt of it being with. In the beginning he'd hoped Edamura would come just so he could experience this very fantasy. He figured if he could live it he could lay it to rest. But a disease does not simply rest. It eats at you till it replaces every good thing and leaves behind only itself. 

Gardens were hard to pass now. Blossoming trees that were once a beautiful sign of life were now a blaring alarm of mortality. They, like Laurent, would wilt away once they came.

Laurent left another porcelain cat on the nightstand for Edamura. A black cat. 

Chapter Text

That night was the worst sleep Edamura had ever had. He had these weird existential nightmares all night. By the time he woke up his body had basically worked out every way his life could fall apart. The sun wasn't even up when his body decided he should wake up today. But he had decided one thing.

He would choose Laurent.

Edamura reached for his phone, to text the girl from last night. He was going to tell her his situation. He was too busy for a relationship. That's all it was, and if he was just honest with her maybe he could avoid all those nightmare scenarios. 

As his hand sleepily reached around the night stand Edamura knocked the new porcelain cat to the floor. It came down with a solid crack. Edamura turned over on his side to see what he had broken. Instead of a shattered phone, there the cat laid with a detached head.

Edamura's heart dropped. He sucked his teeth and rubbed his still tired eyes. How could he so carelessly break a gift like that? 

He rushed it to the kitchen. When he was a kid his dad always kept the super glue on top of the fridge so he couldn’t reach it. In his silly little moment of desperation Edamura felt himself thinking like a child. 

He checked around for glue but there was nothing. Not in any door or cabinet. He grumbled to himself and gently set the cat on the island counter. 

Reluctantly he went to Laurent's room. His plan was to quickly get an answer than run and find the glue before Laurent could see what he did. He gave a gentle knock but opened the door before he could get a response.

Laurent was laying there half naked. The blanket barely covered his hips. His lips were parted and red. He had bed scars all over. He must have slept good. Edamura swallowed dryly. Really good.

What had he expected? Laurent to sleep in a suit?

For a split second Edamuras mind jumped to what Laurent looked like after sex. Is this what girls woke up to? Is that why girls were so obsessed with him? Because he was pretty in the morning when the sun shined on his golden hair and smooth skin. 

He slammed the door shut. Proba waking Laurent up. He couldn't be bothered to think of it. He slid down the wall. Eyes burning, his heart racing. His stomach felt like it was gonna drop out of him. In the back of his mind, a really guilty part that held secrets from when he was a pubescent teenager, he was thinking of himself in bed with Laurent. How his skin felt. Or how it would smell slicked with sweat. 

For the first time one of his sick, intrusive thought fantasies, was completely do-able. Why would he even consider this? He had no feelings for Laurent. Having sex with him would only be playing with his feelings.

 Edamura slammed his head against the wall. He was gonna scoop his brains out and shove them in a blender. 

their routine passed like normal. Going on with its sickening familiarity. They talked as normal, but Laurent seemed more passive aggressive than normal. Not flat out rude. But that typical sarcasm of his seemed more directed. It was coming in its more pungent form.

Edamura noticed it right away. It was impossible to pretend it wasn’t happening. Edamura didn’t usually care about Laurent's feelings toward him. All their past interactions weren’t exactly filled with the need to impress him. This time, after how he’d been feeling just that morning, he was feeling quite sick about it.

Occasionally Edamura would catch himself staring at his phone screen. Like he expected his reply to the date to just send out of nowhere and her to confirm they were boyfriend-girlfriend. Edamura knew how childish it was. He felt dumb even thinking about it. He also wished she would disappear from his memory all together. 

He was feeling bold this morning. He was going to text her. But the day passed and by the afternoon he had completely given up on the idea again. He wanted to date her, and wished she wasn't real. What he really wanted was for things to solve themselves.

A chair scooted out aggressively. Edamura turned away from the dishes that he was furiously washing. Laurent's door was shut when Edamura peeked down the hall.

It was ridiculous to be fighting like this when they weren’t even anything. Less than friends , more than lovers. They ment something to each other. That had to be reason enough to be upset. But Edamura wasnt just upset. He was heartbroken.

He couldn’t see himself dating anyone. No matter how hard he tried, he drifted back to that face and he couldn’t think of anyone else. Hate flavored like love, that was the best way to describe it. Like a  bubble gum flavored medicine.

He could day dream about other lives, Or woman with long brown hair and perfect eyes. He could fantasize about that being good for him. But everything he cared about in his life was right there. And now he was fantasizing about that too. Stupid. 

Edamura pulled the sheets over his head that night.. Pushing himself into the firm, new springs. They bounced softly and adjusted themselves to his body weight.

A faint cough came from somewhere outside the door. Edamura waited for it to cease, like he always did. But this one continued. Until it was harshly strangled. He heard Laurent gasp a few times.

Edamura got up from the bed and pulled his door open. The bathroom door had been slammed shut in his face the second his door creaked open. But not locked. As if Laurent was telling him, You don't have to see this if you don't want to.

He sucked all the air he could in and blinked once as hard as his body would let him. 

This could be it, so don't look Edamura.

It was sickening to think. After all the thinking of this exact moment, it was here. Laurent could be dying in the other room and he had to open the door. Because who else would? Did he really want a stranger to be the last one with Laurent? No person should die alone.

Edamura opened the bathroom door.

There was Laurent, leaned over the toilet, gagging harder than he ever had. He was so small and vulnerable. He looked like a child with his very first stomach flu. It made Edamuras heart ache. He never thought it could before, not for Laurent. Not like this. 

He didn't know what to do to comfort him. To help him get through this. He rested a hand on Laurents back, but it only made the retching worse. He quickly pulled it away.

“Makoto…” Laurent said through heaves. Soft white petals, cream white, like wedding flowers,

squirmed their way out of his mouth Coated in the scrapped off remnants of Laurent's throat. You could ever tear from every thorn.

His golden hair was falling in his face. Tangling in his mouth as he desperately tried to get all of the fully bloomed flowers from his throat. Without a second thought Edamura reached down and gathered up his hair in his hands. Brushing it back from his eyes. 

They were soulmates, Edamura could feel that too. He never hated him. Not really. He could say that now. He could think back to all those times he would swear Laurenta name into his pillow, it wasn’t because he hated him. Not really. He wouldn’t have ever gone back all those times if he hated him. He loved Laurent. Everything about him. His laugh when he made Edamura angry. The voice he'd put on when he was lying. The voice he'd been using with him the entire time he'd been here. He loved him, he just couldn't say he was in love with him. 

Laurent gasped for air, coughing harder. Pain shot up through the pipes of his throat. Edamura soothed his back with his other hand. Reaching from the notch of his neck down to the middle of his spine. It was like a sick sort of revenge. Doing such a cruel thing in such a kind way. He knew he was hurting him. He knew he made it worse. Edamura was the sole cause of his anguish, and he couldn't fix it. The best he could do was pretend.

This wasn't love. Laurent knew it was pitty. Confused dislike and sympathy.

The flowers began to overflow the toilet. Edamura let go and went for the toilet paper. He wrapped it around his hand so he could push the flowers down into the water. The blood soaked the thin toilet paper through. But Edamura didn't make a face. He didn't even flinch. He shoved the flowers down till they were all submerged 

When he turned back, Laurent was crying. Light tears moving slow down his cheeks. He spat up the leftover leaves into the pile of mangled roses. For the first time he didn’t try to put up a front after his weakness. He was just weak. Trembling and embarrassed

He almost died. 

Edamura got down on his knees and began to clean up the toilet. He wiped up whatever was left and flushed them away. Watching as they swirled down the center. Mushing themselves into a large mass.

“You should go home.” Laurent leaned back against the wall. He wiped his mouth clean. His tears still trickled down his face.

“Do you want something to drink?” Edamura mumbled mindlessly. He almost died. He could've, he was seconds away. He could have suffocated right there. In this giant apartment, in this giant city. And nobody would have known.

It was fine. He wasn't dead. They’d gotten through the worst of it. Now they needed to move past it.

“You don't have to be here.” Laurent said firmly.

They had to get past it.

“It was roses this time. Your throat must hurt.” He didn't want to leave. He knew he was making things worse but he didn't want to leave. When he first met Laurent he thought he had learned what real hate was. He thought, there's a man who will never know what love is. He didn't know he could care as much as he did. As he picked up stray petals and tossed them away into the water, he thought, why can’t I fall in love with him? Why can't I save him? 

He had no idea that the “hate” he thought he felt would turn into this. 

“I'll get you tea.” Edamura got up to leave when a weak hand grabbed him by the wrist.

“You're wasting your time here. And mine.”

It stung. “What if I could fall in love with you?”

“Then I wouldn't have this disease now would I?” Laurent smiled. 

“Why aren't you trying? Don't you want to be better?” Edamura jerked his hands back. Searching for a reason why he would let himself go out like this. Stupid and docile. 

“There's nothing I can do.”

“Fuck this! Laurent, you need a hospital!” Edamura ran a tensed hand through his hair.

“You can't force yourself to love me, and I can't force myself to stop loving you.” Laurent attempted to get up on his own, but needed Edamuras hand for guidance. He stumbled into him and Edamura effortlessly caught him by the waist. 

They held each other's eyes. Both equally miserable. Laurent jerked himself away now. 

He wouldn’t do this to himself. Maybe he could die a little slower without those eyes around. 

“It's coming in waves, the flowers, the coughing spells. That's gotta mean something.” Edamura pleaded. “If we get help, maybe there's something they can do!”

Laurent rose his voice. “I'm the one who's sick, Edamura.”

Edamura had to stay. He had to help him. It was his fault he was like this. So it had to be him to cure it. He played every option in his head. Every way to get rid of the flowers. “The roots! Maybe they need to get rid of the flowers from the roots!” If he was persistently hopeful enough maybe the reality that was setting in would wait just a little longer.

“Makoto!” Laurent yelled. 

For all the time Edamura had known him, he couldn't recall a moment Laurent had ever been angry enough with him to raise his voice. No, never above a stern projection. Not a yell. He'd never been yelled at by Laurent before.

Edamura wanted to cry. He wanted to leave but he didn't want to go. He just wanted this to be better. If time could wind back to when things were good, he figured he would cherish it more. If the world could just let him go back knowing what he knows now it could all be better. He could fix this. 

Time just needed to bend a little. Just a little. Then this could all be better.

He stumbled to the kitchen. He hated being yelled at. His father never raised his voice, his mother couldn't speak above a whisper for most of his life. 

Both of them left him alone.

What he needed now was to make Laurent some tea and get him into bed to rest. He was his only friend and he didn't want to be alone again. 

Edamura was good at blind optimism. So good at it that he never had time to grieve his family like he should. He wanted to keep things buried that way. He didn't want to have to grieve all three of them at once. He needed more time.

He wouldn't admit it, but he never liked living alone. It wasn't peaceful for him. He didn't mind the coffee shop. Meeting new people everyday was refreshing. Made his life less lonely. Each morning he would pretend he was getting ready to see a friend. But as soon as the apron was off again, he was alone. He wouldn't go back to that. He could pretend all he wanted but he hated it.

The tea kettle screamed at him. Whining on the highest pitch it could. Edamura watched, just staring out at it. Lost in the white noise. When Laurent died, would he have to arrange the funeral? 

He snapped back to reality. His hands fumbled as he went to grab the kettle off the stove. It spilled, boiling hot over Edamura's arm. Burning right through his skin. It seared him raw. The pain surged down into his bones and pulsed up his skin. Edamura swore loudly and ran to the sink. Running the coldest possible water he could. 

Laurent grabbed the faucet and ran it lukewarm. 

“You’ll make it worse with cold water.”  He guided Edamuras arm further into the increasing warmth. Edamura hissed at the temperature change, it stung. But he let him help. He let him soothe him even when it hurt. “How much did you spill?” Laurent ran a hand over the forming bumps.

“I don't know. I just…blanked.” Edamura felt the pain turn to an ache. Laurent continued to guide his arm, and adjust the water temp. Talking him through it all. Explaining how to take care of it once it was out of the water. Something twitched inside Edamura. Something uncomfortable and growing. 

“Do you still want tea?” Edamura felt like he was gagging every time he spoke. 

“I never need tea.” Laurent turned the water off. “Get some sleep.”

The pain woke him up the second he rolled over. The sheets rubbed over the bandages on the burn. It wasn't cheap silk either. Laurent spared no expense on even the guest room. Furnished nicely, painted smoothly. It could have been the master bedroom. 

Edamura got up to fix up the wound. It needed more cream or aloe or something. It just needed something more than what it was getting. 

He walked quietly from his room, through the halls, into the large bathroom. He placed two hands on the marble counter and looked deep into his own eyes. They were bloodshot. He hadn't even cried and he was puffy all over. He went to rub his face when the throbbing pain started back up. 

He flicked the water on and pulled free the messy bandages he had put on. He tried to recreate the soothing that Laurent had offered him earlier. It wasn't the same with his own hands. He could not offer himself the same love that someone who loved his very soul.

He hadn't considered how sincere Laurent's love was. How pure it came on and how loyal it stayed. For once he couldn't lie. It was honest love. It was the kind that knew him deeply without his realising. He loved him so much he was ill.

Edamura shook his head and the thought away with it. He tried to replace it with plans for breakfast. A new show to watch. He considered all the things he could do with his endless days. But there it was again. That nagging gut feeling. Laurent was limited now. He only had so much time in his life.

His breathing was uneven. As he steadied himself he started to bandage up the burn. He considered going to the hospital. But what could they do? It would have to heal on its own. 

Out on the couch, Laurent sat, staring at the ground. Head hung low between his knees. Not doing anything besides thinking. Edamura knew the feeling. Late nights after a hard day at work. Except, instead of thinking about quitting, Laurent was faced with his mortality.

Edamura watched from the bathroom doorway. Leaned back for a better view of Laurent. His back curved up and his clothes were loose. He looked strangely comfortable. A bad sort of comfortable. He was in a state of acceptance. He himself was coming to terms with his situation. Even though he had pretended to him that he already had. 

“Do you wanna sit down?” Laurent sat up from his legs. Not looking his way. 

Edamura came around the couch and sat down next to him. The two sat silently, looking out to the blank living room. All the lights were off. You could only make out the figure of the other. 

“I was so lucky to find you.” Laurent said it like some sort of confession. He was releasing something for himself. Letting go of something he’d been holding onto. “I did say it then, how much I wanted you around. It was sincere from the start. If you’ll trust me enough to believe that. You were a special type that I wanted specifically. You did something for me that no one else could.”

He went on, “losing Dorothy was the greatest loss I ever faced. I spent so long looking for someone like her, it wasn't right. It wasn't what I wanted. I needed someone to challenge me to change. When you followed me to my car that day, I knew it was you that I had been looking. I'd never been happier to be tracked down like that. I wanted you to stay by my side forever.”

Edamura wanted to speak, to say anything at all. But he couldn’t. He was running on empty.

“I'm not asking you to stay anymore. I don't need you around.” Laurent said. And waited. “I've thought about it a lot. It was wrong of me to try and keep you around. Wasn't it?”

When Edamura did not speak, Laurent went on again. “You're an even greater loss to me. Greater than any cash prize. Greater than Dorothy.” He found Edamuras hand in the dark and held it.

Edamura brought out parts of him he never knew were there. These deeper vulnerable parts he couldn't describe. Things that made him feel so insignificantly small, yet so seen. Parts of him that he had tried to ignore for years. Parts of him that Dorothy helped him ignore. With Edamura they were in full technicolor, and still, not so scary to face.

Now that Edamura brought them up for him he figured he could do it on his own. He didn't need someone else anymore. He could move on in his own kind of way and he could let Edamura move on with his life. Edamura wasn't the one that was gonna die. He’d done enough in what little life Laurent had left.

Except, Edamura held his hand back.

“I wanna try this. I wanna try falling in love with you. If that's what I can do to help you, then let me do it.” He squeezed his hand. “I love you. More than even I knew. Im sure, if we just had time-”

“You've always been so stubborn.” Laurent sighed. The distance between them felt like it went for miles. Laurent's hand felt empty even still intertwined in Edamuras. “It was a poor choice on my end to get you that bed. I'm sorry that meant so much to you.” 

Laurent started to lie. Right through his teeth. About everything he had just said, everything he had done leading up to this moment. No matter how empty this would leave them, it was the right thing to do.

He knew how to lie better than anything else. He could lie his way out of anything. He could lie his way out of this and do some good for Edamura for once.

“What are you talking about?” 

“I don't want you here, I want you to leave. It's been a burden having you around.” He reluctantly pulled his hand away. Back to two bodies in the dark. Two people who were never meant for each other. Not even the strongest rose tinted glasses could make them work.

Edamura was gutted. More than that, he felt half dead. His brain was scooped out and replaced with gel. That's what he wanted wasn't it? A restart? He didn't think it would feel like this. 

“You need to leave.”

This wasn't what he pictured. Being kicked to the curb. This was the most vulnerable he’d ever been in his life, it wasn't fair. 

“What are you doing you asshole?” Edamura spat out.

It was exactly what Laurent wanted. A reaction that would get them back on enemy terms.

“I'm doing what's right. Go home.”

“It's the middle of the night! Where am I supposed to go?”

Laurent could feel his heart beat in his chest. This was it. This stage was over. “I'll get you a hotel. Just leave.”

“Fuck you! Fuck this!” Edamura got up exadrately. “I can’t believe you're doing this to me. I should’ve known.” He stormed down the hall. To the “guest room.” He scooped his things off the desk, yanked his clothes from the hanger. He shoved all of it into his medium size suitcase.

He had more than he came with. All the gifts from Laurent. He took them and started to throw them out. Onto the floor. 

The first ceramic cat that had been gifted to him by Laurent shattered. The little orange and white bits spread around the room.

Laurent followed behind and watched as he carelessly discarded him. He’d seen Edamura angry before, that wasn't new. Edamura had wanted him dead before. But only ever because he cared so much. Right now it felt like Edamura was so fed up that he didn't care about anything. Who was Laurent to care? It was his fault. It was all his fault.

“You were right.” Edamura scoffed. Brushing the cat away. “We were never gonna work, because you were never gonna let this happen. You're too self sabotaging for that. You hate yourself way too much to really love anyone else.”

“I do love you! I love you so much. Makoto, I love you.” He reached out to him. Sudden regret hitting him. He was slapped away. 

It was the first time he ever said it out loud.

“Don't call me that. You don't get to pretend we're close. You don't get to pretend anything anymore! You can stay here all by yourself and rot away. I don't care.” Edamura turned to leave, but he couldn’t keep it in. “I wanted to help you. I cared about you! I love you!”

“Then why am I dying?” Laurent clenched his jaw.

“I don't know! I don't know why you're dying! I'd do anything to stop it! Laurent I would!” Edamura was pleading now. Not to stay, he didn't care about that, he wanted to help.

Laurent didn't say a word. He couldn't think of any more lies. The only thing he could think of right now was kissing Edamura like a magical spell that would cure both their lives. 

Edamura tried to catch Laurents eye again. To spark something in him. But he looked away. Edamura scoffed and headed for the door. 

The night air was thick with the gas of cars. The local bars were spilling with people. People were eating dinner on the sidewalks. Neon lights flashed. His suitcase was heavy in his hand. 

Why did he come here to begin with again? Just to see Laurent again? Just to feel something in himself? To fill something? 

Edamura hadn't felt that hate he used to say he felt for Laurent in years. Not since the moment they met. He felt it right now. 

Chapter Text

Living alone was quieter than Edamura had remembered it being. It wasn't just the literal silence, it was the dead air that hung around when you knew you were alone. He had never noticed how much the presence someone in another room had. Him and Laurent weren’t constantly around each other, but he always knew Laurent was there. Just a door away. When he felt lonely he’d peek out of his room just to see that he had someone.

Dingy motels like these were never his favorite. Were they anybody’s? When he first came here he slept in one. When he was in the cab to dinner that night he dreaded going back to it. That's why he was so relieved to stay with Laurent. Coming back to it now was worse than the first time. There wasn’t even a fantasy of escaping it.

Edamura tried to relax on the bed but he couldn’t stop thinking of roaches. Or worse, bed bugs. Even more than either of those things, every time his head would hit the pillow his mind would drift back to his fight with Laurent.

It was eating him alive to just sit there like nothing had happened. Was he supposed to just move on? Everything he thought he was building had crumbled so quick.

He was desperate to talk to someone. He considered calling Abby, but the unpredictability of her reaction was unsettling. Who knows what she would say about this. Then there was Cynthia. She would be worse to tell by far. Edamura couldn't imagine her taking the news well. It would only make things worse to tell her now. 

But he had to talk to someone. Sitting here alone wasn't going to help. He needed to go back and clear things up with Laurent. That's who he needed to talk to. He was sure that he was cooled off enough now to talk things over. Besides, Edamura had never been the type to back down on something he cared about. 

Leaving his suitcase he stormed back out of the motel onto the street. The burn on his arm stung as the changing air hit it. He had forgotten about it in the heat of the moment, but slowly the pain started to resurface. With the pain came the gentle reminder of Laurent's touch. Edamura rubbed the bandage and grimaced.

It had only been a few hours since he left Laurent's place. Three, maybe four? He wasn't sure, he’d been too caught up in his anger to tell how much time had gone by. When he checked his phone it was far past midnight. 

He wasn't sure if Laurent would be up. So he brought something he was too scared to return. A spare key Laurent had lent him. Right now he would do anything just to clear the air with him.

The walk there was excruciatingly long. All his money went towards getting a motel for the night. Since when was he so poor? It was hard to see how much he had neglected his own life. 

Quitting his life as a scam artist was the hardest thing he'd ever done. It was the only stability he had left back then. Even though the people attached to it weren't exactly the best people ever, they were people he cared about in a way. After he quit he basically left himself with nothing. He gave all his money away and lived off minimum wage. He hadn't been taking care of any of his needs.

When he moved in with Laurent it was like he had someone who cared about him when he wasnt able to do it himself. The gifts Laurent had been giving weren't just gifts, they were thoughtful reminders that Edamura should take care of himself. 

He thought of the porcelain cats. Edamura told Laurent about those once, a long time ago, very briefly. It was impossible to imagine Laurent remembering that for so long. Really, it was impossible to imagine someone like Laurent thinking about him so much. Maybe it was Edamura's wish to be more like Laurent that left him so confused. How could the man he hated, and idolized, feel the same about him? How could they ever feel mutual about each other?

As the top of the tall apartment building came into view the familiar heart throbbing sickness rose up in him once more. He rushed down the street. Swinging through the front door. Right past the receptionist. The key felt heavy in his hands. 

The elevator dinged as he got to Laurent's floor. He was just going to march in there and right every wrong. It couldn't be hard, could it? He knew Laurent, more than he thought he did. They could work things out. Laurent knew him.

He fumbled with the key in the lock for a moment. His hands were surprisingly shaky. The lock clicked and the door came open. He pushed it gently. He didn't want to wake Laurent up right away. He wanted to do things more genuine than last time.

When the door was all the way open he was met with the same room he had left earlier that night. Nothing moved. Lights were on where he left them. Doors were open in the exact same position. Not even a hair was out of place.

Edamura stepped quietly through the door. Feeling the floor boards under his feet. To fancy to make a noise. Everything is too sleek to look like a real person's home. A doll house. He made his way down the hall, where he saw Laurent's door half open. That wasn't how he left it. 

Reluctantly, he pushed it opened. He must have fallen asleep, he was probably just tired, hes probably just sleeping. Watching Laurent in the bathroom was easier than opening this door now.

There on the bed laid Laurent, still fully dressed, just how he had been. A few buttons on his pajamas were undone and the lace on the pants wasnt tied. How he left it every night. But Laurent didn't sleep with a shirt on. 

He was covered in blood. It dripped down his front. The petals didn't even look like petals anymore. They looked like they went through a meat grinder.

Edamura rushed to him. Already screaming his name before he could even realise he was doing it. Death was supposed to warn him before it came. He was supposed to be here for it when it happened. No matter how scared he was, he was supposed to be here. All of these things that were supposed to be. He was supposed to love Laurent enough to save him from this.

He held Laurent up by the back, pulling him to his chest. He was supposed to be here for him. As he cried into his neck he felt a shallow whistle of breath down his shoulder. Edamura didn't stop to consider if he had imagined, or if it was a final breath. His only thought was that Laurent still had life left. He could be saved.

He dialed 911 as quickly as he could. His fingers missing the keys as his hands trembled. He heard the phone click and the operator pick up.

“911, what's your emergency?”

“Please come quick, my soulmate is dying.” 

The ambulance felt like it took hours to come. When the blare of sirens finally came everything was a blur. It all happened so quick Edamura didn't have a chance to process what was happening. 

Laurent was pulled onto a stretcher and attached to a large machine. They clipped on a bulky oxygen mask. Edamura swore he saw Laurent's eyes flutter as the clean air hit his lungs. Even if it was for half a second he swore he saw him breathing.

“Who are you to him?” An EMT asked him, holding a small notepad he was scribbling information onto..

“I told you! I'm his soulmate. Just let me go in the ambulance with him.”

“Im sorry sir, but unless you're married or family, you can't go with him.” The EMT sighed. They’d been arguing back and forth about it for a while. Edamura was barely present in the conversation, he was too busy watching Laurent in the distance. What if his condition changed? What if he was wrong, what if he really was dead?

“Please just let me go with him! He doesn't have anybody else here.”

“Do you know the name of any immediate family?”

“No! He doesn’t have anybody!” Edamura scratched at his hair.

“Look. I'm sure you really care about your…friend, but we can't just let you in there with him. It's protocol.” The EMG tried to be understanding, but his exhaustion was showing too.

“How will I know he’s okay? You're just gonna let him go alone?”

The EMT sighed. “You can leave your contact information with us. Will call you when he’s been transferred to the hospital.”

“Thats it?”

“I really am sorry sir, but that's all I can do.”

Edamura grumbled and watched as they called directions out to each other, and painfully, shut the back of the ambulance. The EMT took Edamura's number then went back to the ambulance. In just a few painful seconds the ambulance was tearing down the street Into the distance till it was just a spec of a few flashing lights and a distant rumble of the siren.

Edamura slumped over onto the sidewalk. Did he even know how he felt? He kept thinking about it over and over, and denying everything that came up. Maybe because he was scared of it. The idea of settling down forever. Or the idea of going back to something he was so tired of. Maybe he was just too confused to be sure of himself. But he kept coming back to it.

If he knew exactly how he felt about Laurent, what was holding him from admiting it? Was he sacred? Of what? The thought of giving up something? Hed been holding on to the thought of hating him for so long it was hard to admit not even that was true. Well, he had done that, he had loved Laurent as a person. He learned to love him as a friend, Now, he loved him like a soul loves a body. 

He wanted him to come home and sleep in the same bed as him. He wanted to hear him breathe clearly. He wanted to tease him like he used to, talk to him like he used to. Was it too late to be in love with him like he should have been?

It was easy to imagine what they should have been. Edamura felt so much guilt that he had let him suffer for so long. Now, he’d let him die. No one tells you the rules of love. When is too late? Does anyone know that? Is that even a real thing? To be late to something that has no rules is a joke.

All Edamura knew is he was painfully in love. Whether he missed his chance or not there was no way he would ever shake this feeling. It already stuck to his skin like tar. He felt it in his guts. He felt so sick from it he wanted to throw up. How could he ever have considered anything but this? 

His tears dripped down a drain. Clicking to the bottom with a soundless thud and disappearing into the dirty water. 

“Edamura?” A sweet voice mumbled.

Edamuras head shot up. His eyes were puffy and tear stained. “Giselle?” Edamura wiped his face. The pretty girl with the long brown hair. 

“Hi.” She smiled sadly. “I just got off work and saw the ambulance.”

“You work late.”

She shrugged. “I work a couple jobs. Is he gonna be okay?”

“Im not sure.” Edamura spoke slowly.

Without being prompted to, she sat down next to him. Her long skirt getting drenched in the dirty sidewalk water that was trickling down the drain in front of Edamura. “They should have let you go with him.” She sighed. 

Edamura rubbed his cold hands on his legs. “Im sorry i never texted back. I was just-“

She shook her head. “Its fine, really. You cant help who you like.” She paused. “Id like to be your friend though, if you need one.”

He did, more than he cared to admit. “You dont have to sit out here with me.”

“But I want to. You may not have feelings for me, but I'm interested in you. Just as a person.” She fiddled with her nails. “Ya know, your uhm friend used to come to the bakery a lot during the winter. He always got a coffee and a filled donut. He was always very nice, very bold. But not in a bad way. He was a big tipper. Laurent, right?”

Edamura laughed a little. “Yea, that's him.”

“I had no idea someone like him was…sick.” She spoke carefully. Her tone was extremely sweet.

“Neither did I.” Edamura leaned over his knees and stared down the endless drain. “He doesn't like to look weak.”

“Do you think he’s weak?” She asked, fully serious. Not a hint of insincerity.

“Not at all.”

She hummed to herself thoughtfully. “Then I wonder why he feels that way.” She leaned over the ground with him. Her fingers grazed the gravel street. “I'm sure he’ll come out alright if he’s so strong willed.”

They sat in silence for a while. Staring out at the night sky. Here in the city the stars were barely visible. Instead the sky was lit up by planes and neon strip club signs. They burned into Edamura's retinas. How many of these buildings did Laurent's name linger in?

He silently prayed that Laurent's name would linger for years if he died tonight. That every soul in the city would feel the loss he felt. And to those who never knew Laurent, they would feel the same regret Edamura felt of not loving him sooner. That they would regret not knowing him. 

People walked by the two of them as they sat, their conversations not straying to notice the two people on the dirty side walk. Others stumbled out of clubs just to fall asleep against those tiny city trees, or politician faced benches. What they all had in common was that they loved something. No matter what that was, each and every person on that street on that quickly passing night would be terrified to lose that thing they loved.

Edamura fiddled with the ever loosening bandage around his arm. He needed to go back to the motel and get his things, maybe take a shower, put some aloe on his arm. Life was moving right on when he wasn't ready, but he had to keep up or he’d lose himself again. This time, he could lose Laurent.

His phone buzzed in his back pocket. Vibrating against the concrete. Edamura pulled it up to his ear as fast as he could. The hospital. Laurent had been transferred to a room and stabilized. He was awake.

The air felt suddenly cooler in his lungs. He burst to his feet without missing a beat. Giselle looked up at him from the ground. 

“They said he’s awake.” Edamura stammered out. “Sorry to just leave out of no where, but i need to go see him.”

She nodded, just as determined as him. “The buses aren't running this late. I'll give you a ride.”

Edamura nodded. He really couldnt be bothered to think of himself as an inconvenience right now. He just needed to get to Laurent as soon as possible.

It was near sunrise by the time Edamura got to the hospital. He thanked Giselle profusely. The only thing she asked in return from him was an update on Laurent. 

He practically sprinted to the front desk. The cold metallic cleanliness of the hospital rushed in his face. The tired secretary lady nearly scowled at him as he rushed inside.

 “Im here to see Laurent Thierry." He leaned over the desk.

“Sorry, our visiting hours don't start till eight.” She looked at him amused.

“How long is that?” Edamura rubbed his eyes defeatedly.

“Uhhh…three more hours.” 

“Right.” Edamura thumped his forehead against the counter. “Can I wait in the waiting room?”

“For three hours?” she laughed. “Sure. Do whatever you want.”

Hours later Edamura was woken up to his arm being shook. The receptionist was shaking him awake. The sun was fully out, and other people were in the hospital now.

“Our visiting hours are open now.”

Edamura got up unsteadily, gave a quick nod of appreciation, and rushed to the elevator. 

“Wait!” The receptionist called. “Floor 3, room C6.” She gave him a big thumbs.

Edamura gave a thumbs up back. “Thank you.”

“Good luck!” She laughed a little as the elevator shut.

There was a deafening silence when the doors were shut. Edamuras heart was racing. What if Laurent didn't want to see him at all?

Edamura paced infront of the door for a solid 5 minutes before he even put his hand on the handle. It was just last night he’d seen Laurent. But he hadn't seen him through the eyes he had now.

He stepped inside, the hours of exhaustion catching up to him. The pain in his arm returned. But when he saw Laurent sat up and awake, he was washed with relief.  

He had a large mask pumping oxygen from a large machine. Laurent's eyes lit up when he saw Edamura. You could see the smile even from under the mask.

“Makoto.”

Edamura came to his side quickly. He leaned over the rickety hospital bed. Tears soaking the thin plastic blanket. The beating of Laurent's chest pounded in Edamura's ear drums. A strong healthy thump. Edamura reached a hand and gripped the sheets over Laurent's abdomen, sobbing into him. His vision went blurry with pain.

Wires moved and brushed against his back. A strong hand wrapped around his waist, holding him against his chest firmly. Laurents' other arm pressed into Edamuras hair. 

“Why are you crying, Edamame?” Laurent mumbled through the thick oxygen mask. He rubbed circles into Edamuras back. Tracing every line he couldn’t before. “Are you sad I'm alive?” Laurent asked sarcastically.

“Please shut up.” Edamura let out a stifled laugh.. “Laurent, I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you.” The tears came relentlessly as he spoke. “I was so scared that it was too late. God, I thought you would be dead.”

“I knew you loved me when I woke up this morning.” He knew it when Nedamura came for him that night. He could breathe the second Edamura stepped foot in his room.

Laurent smiled and relaxed back into the pillow. Petting the messy brown hair laying on him. His lungs were clear. The air tasted like chemical cleaner and flower refresher. He breathed it in deep, catching what he could through the oxygen mask. Wet tears streamed into him. Right through the horrible paper thin gown. 

He had never been happier in his life. It was like he was cleared out, refreshed, and on a million pounds of ecstasy. If he got up right now he could run to the end of the world. This time though, through all his running away, he'd have Makoto there with him. Someone that wouldn’t leave. He didn't need him to say anything at all, he could feel it when they held each other.

The weight lifted from his chest and leaned over top of him. Eyes glossed over. Laurent gently pulled the mask from his face and wrapped a hand around Edamura's neck. 

Edamura leaned down and kissed Laurent like he would die without it. Lips wet with tears, he tasted like salt. Laurent wanted to kiss him harder, pull him in closer. Feel everything he wanted to for so long. Every movement, every breathe. 

The kiss didn't last long. Edamura pulled away quickly and forced Laurent's mask back on, despite his insisting he didn't need it. The feeling lingered in both of their mouths though. It laid heavy in more ways than one. The taste of someone you could never forget.

“Dont ever push me away like that again.” Edamura wiped his face dry. 

“Never again.” Laurent lifted his pinky up. “I promise.”

Edamura took it. “When I first met you, I was so confused how I could feel so much for one person. I'm sorry I confused that for something it wasn't. It shouldn’t have taken me so long.”

“It brought you to me.” Laurent squizzed his pinky. His skin was smooth with lotion still. “Now I've got you forever.” Laurent's voice was as he remembered it when he first remembered it. 

Sure, forever is a tricky thing. You can't be with someone forever, but you can love someone forever. If you die with that love then it will never fade. Maybe the most you can do is let your love keep you close to people. After all, loving someone is never a waste. Love things as you feel it. The rest will come to you on its own.

Chapter Text

Laurent helped Edamuras roll his bags in like they were a newly married couple. For all his years of dating he had only lived with someone once. Living with someone romantically was a whole different kind of fulfilling. Being seen for all you are at any given moment makes you feel worth something. The parts of yourself you couldn’t like they always would. The parts of the world you liked most would always be right there. In your bed at night.

Edamuras rolled his larger suit case up against the couch. He had been able to fit basically everything he cared about in there. The rest was in a backpack Laurent had slung over his shoulder. Edamura never kept much, as an ex con artist he learned not to hold onto things.

“Where do you want your things?” Laurent smiled smugly. He wanted to hear Edamura ask to stay in his room. If he didn't want that Laurent figured an illusion of choice was a better idea.

“In our bedroom. Where else?” Edamura grumbled shyly.

“Sure.” Laurent smiled wider. He would have teased him for it, he wanted to, but for some reason it felt too soon. Laurent didn't feel like he could slip back into that old habit fully.

Unpacking had always been Laurent's least favorite part of moving around. So he got to unpacking right away so he wouldn’t have to even think of it later. Besides, Edamura and him weren’t moving for a long time. Just them, here, like normal stable people.

He diligently pulled clothes from Edamura's suitcase and hung them up with his own. Occasionally, as more things got put away, Laurent would stand back just to admire it. Permanence terrified him, and excited him. His heart wouldn’t stop beating. Even when there was nothing to be nervous about.

The side table was more cluttered now. Edamura kept setting all his “essentials” down on it. It was funny seeing how Edamura really lived. He liked the left side of the bed. He put his glasses in a fancy looking case. He had an ancient phone and an even older phone charger. One by one things were set out till everywhere you looked in the room was left touched by him. 

By the time they were done the sun was already starting to set. Lazily, edamura tossed his jacket and shoes away onto the floor. He climbed into the bed and pulled the covers right over his head.

The sheets Laurent gave him didnt smell like this. They had a faint sent of the same detergent, but Laurents sheets smelled like something else. Sweat, probably. But also, his cologne. Rich and sort of dirty. 

Edamura felt the heat of Laurents chest as he layed in the bed behind him. Pressing his heart beat into Edamuras back.

“Ill wash the sheets soon.” Laurent mumbled mindlessly. It wasn’t something he thought of often. Not unless someone slept over. But no one had, not for a long time. Definitely not since Edamura came here.

“Dont.” Edamura said. “I want them to smell like just you a little longer. I never got to enjoy that before.”

Laurent leaned into his ear. “Your weird. Were you always this weird?”

Edamura fought the Temptation to jab him in the gut. Instead he shut his eyes and let himself sink into the silky pillows.

Being fully and completely relaxed was somethingg Edamura had never felt before. But with Laurents arms around him, he felt so safe he didn't have room for a thought besides him.

Laurent kissed slowly at the back of Edamura head. His hair was coarse against his lips. Except where it slowly thined near the bottom. He kissed the baby hairs down to the nape of his neck. Laurent tugged the collar down a little and kissed right on the forst notch of his spine. Edamura shuddered. It tickled, in a purely good way. Laurent leaned around and kissed in the bend of his neck. 

“Kiss me on the mouth.” Edamura tiled his head back, and Laurent did. He gently tapped his lips on Edamura's mouth. Then waited for him to speak again. 

He felt an eager hand push his mouth back into Edamuras. They kissed like that before Edamura stumbled his way onto Laurents lap.

He leaned close into Laurent ear. “Im not a good kisser. Ive never kissed anyone before.” He whispered.

All Laurent could think of was the unfiltered kiss Edamura gave him at the hospital. Not scared to do it, or nervous how he’d be seen. Even now he was the same. Edamura kissed him and didn’t hesitate to be bad at it. He kissed him like he wanted every inch of him. He wasnt there to impress him, or be anything he wasnt. He was just ment to love him.

There lips hardly left the others mouth. Only to make sure Laurent could properly catch his breath. But Edamura would pull away. Their forehead stayed together and the second Laurent was able to breathe normal Edamura would reconnect their lips. Laurent could taste that drug store mint chapstick off the corners of his mouth. Edamuras eyes were closed, his eyebrows were furrowed deep. He face was already flushed.

“Laurent.” Edamura spoke between kisses.

“What?”

“Close your eyes.” Edamura covered his face with a loose hand. 

Laurent let him and kept kissing him. His lips sometimes trailing away from his mouth. But never leaving his skin. It was warm, like sitting by a fire. With their hands all over each other, their legs intertwined. Kissing felt softer than Edamura imagined it. He wanted more of it, more of him.

Edamura fell back on his side and quickly reached down under the blanket. He messed around with the zipper, anxious to fully pull it down. But he wanted Laurent naked. At least a little more than he was. He wanted to feel his raw skin. Hear him moan. 

“We don't have to.” Laurent reassured him. Even though he was probably more anxious himself by Edamuras eagerness. 

“I'm fine…are you nervous?” Edamura cuped himw ith a loose palm. He wasnt the least but nervous about not wanting to, it was more that he wanted it so bad it was driving him crazy.

He hesitated. “I don't want to scare you.” He feared that Edamura wouldnt be ready to jump into something like this. He’d never been with a man, never had a long term relationship that Laurent knew of. I mean, hed never kissed someone tilm just now. He feared that Edamura got freaked that there was a chance he could fall out of love, if that was possible.

“Why would I be scared?” Edamura said clearly. They were two adults. In his mind there was nothing to even be worried about. They both wanted this.

“It can be a lot.”

“Laurent.” Edamura pulled the zipper all the way down. “Tell me if you wanna stop.”

Laurent laughed a little. “Wow, no one's talked to me like that since I was a teenager.” He was trying to be sarcastic, but he was serious. He sort of missed being treated like that. He liked to do it for others. Sometimes he missed the feeling of letting yourself be nervous. Even if he knew what to do in bed and wasn't hesitant anymore, he did still get nervous. Being able to not hide it was…embarrassing. Definitely. But, he liked it.

Edamura glided his hand down slowly. As he slipped his hand into the waist band, before his hand even reached for anything, Laurents was breathing heavily into his ear. He leaned all the way into Edamura's neck. 

Too worried to be rough, Edamura continued to slowly move his hand. Laurent's skin was smooth down there. It felt like warm glass. Hot like a fever. Laurent was tense all the way up. Edamura could feel Laurent's thigh pulse on him. His hand was hardly moving and Laurent was already moaning softly.

Laurent began to cry. Not very much, just a few slow tear drops, warm against Edamura's skin. “Are you okay? Should I stop?” 

“No, don't. it's really good.” Laurent kissed the side of Edamura's neck. His tongue was also hot.

With Edamura's other hand he reached to the nape of Laurent's neck and pulled him to his lips. He was smooth there as well. Laurent was groomed nicely, like a girl. He smelt nice too, even stronger than the sheets. He felt even better in Edamura's hands.

 He sped up his hand. In a jerked reaction of pleasure Laurent moaned into Edamura's mouth. Edamura only kissed him harder. 

Laurent yanked down the waistband of Edamura's pants. The feel of Laurent's hand immediately made Edamura lose track of his own pace. An embarrassing cry of noise came from his mouth. It made Laurent laugh.

“Dont make fun of me.” Edamura shuddered. The feeling of someone else's hand and pace was completely different than doing it yourself.

“I wouldn’t.” Laurent kissed him again. Laurent himself was embarrassed. He’d had sex with plenty of people in his life, he’d never been this nervous before. He could feel his hand shaking as he moved it. 

Edamura tried not to think too hard about what they were doing. Even if he was really happy to be doing this, it was embarrassing to hear the sound of his own voice like this. He rather just hear Laurent.

Laurent pulled in so close that there was nowhere to move without touching each other. Their skin was sticky hot at every movement. Their limbs getting tangled in each other as they tensed.

Every movement Laurent he made felt good. The more his hands dragged around Edamura's skin, his thighs, stomach, chest, the closer he felt. It was like the pleasure was coming from every part of himself. 

“Fuck.” Edamura moaned involuntarily. He didn't know what else to say. He’d never felt like this before. His heart felt like it was gonna explode. It only made everything feel ten times better. “Laurent Laurent Laurent.” Edamura repeated. How was it possible to make someone feel like this from just a hand?

Laurent laughed breathily. He pushed their abdomens up against each other and pulled his hand away entirely. Both of them rubbed up against each other roughly. 

Edamura pushed his hands into Laurent's hair. Huffing in the smell of his soap, that musky cologne he always wore. He wanted to drink it straight. He dragged his hands down and dug his nails into Laurent's back.

“Am I hurting you?” Edamura rasped.

“No. fuck no. Keep going.”

Edamura sped up his pace mindlessly with every word Laurent said. He could feel Laurent's happy trail against himself. The texture felt so good. He only pushed harder. Every time he did he was rubbing up against the opposite direction Laurent was going. The rhythm they were in was hypnotic.

And very weird. It was weird to be doing this. As much as he liked it he never imagined…his first time being like this. He was just going with what he felt. He wanted to be closer, he wanted Laurent to like it, he wanted a lot. He usually did. He never thought he’d get it though. It was good to be doing something he wanted though.

The pleasure bubbled up until it snapped. Edamura felt every tenssed muscle loosen. As he slowly came to a stop he noticed Laurent hadn’t finished yet.

“Can I…” Edamura hesitated. Was it weird to ask, or should he just do it? He cleared his throat. “Suck you off?”

Laurent didn't have a reaction prepared for that. He stifled his awkward laugh with his arm. “Yea.”

Edamura pulled the covers off of them and made his way down. Laurent didn’t taste very good if he was honest, like chemicals and sweat. Not as good as he smelled. But, he did feel good in Edamura's mouth. The feeling of his pulse every time Edamura would bob his head was a little funny. In a good way. It was hot.

Laurents head was tilted to the side as he watched. Edamura tried to avoid eye contact every time he looked up, but Laurents eyes wouldn’t look away. Edamura was extremely good looking, he always had been. But he was even more attractive when his face was tensed up. When he let his hair get messy. Laurent liked it better fluffed up like this.

Laurent arched back, his hand pushed through Edamuras already tangled hair. Each time his tongue dragged up a small burst of pleasure shot up through Laurent. Edamura's lips were slicked with Laurent's Salvia still. He could feel how cold it was compared to the rest of Edamura's mouth. It tickled. It felt really really good.

“Makoto im gunna cum.”

Edamura released his mouth with a pop. He continued with his hand. It was fun to watch Laurent writhe underneath him. He shut his eyes tight and tilted his head. He was completely red. He looked a little messed up. Seeing him not trying to be completely perfect made him even prettier. Laurent finished in his palm. 

“You okay?” Edamura leaned over next to Laurent and laid his other hand on his chest. Waiting for his heart beat to slow. He wanted to feel it as it happened.

“‘Mhm.” Laurent swallowed thickly. He could feel his heart beat in his arms. “Are you?”

Edamura nodded, and glanced at the sticky half clear liquid in his palm. Licking his lips as he looked at it. Some was left in his mouth. He cleared his throat and looked back over to Laurent, tracing the lines of his body with his eyes. When he noticed he was covered in his…

“Ill grab a towel, wait right there.” Edamura hoped of the bed and ran to the bathroom. 

He quickly washed his hand off and came back with a warm, damp rag. He diligently wiped Laurent off. Moving his hands around slowly just to feel his body again. His abdomen up to his chest. 

Laurent shut his eyes and smiled. Edamura laid down over his arm and Laurent wrapped him up in it.

“I was fine, right?” Edamura mumbled while he asked. Now that it was over his mind was starting to catch up.

“More than fine. You were fucking amazing.”

Edamura cleared his throat again and rubbed his face. “Is it weird to ask that?”

“No.” Laurent leaned over top of Edamura and went for the cigarettes in the nightstand. A bad habit that had become sort of a post sex ritual. Like shitty after care. “You just sound like you like me.” Edamura slammed the drawer shut. 

“I do like you.” He smiled. “Don't smoke.” Edamura was extremely serious.

“Ive been smoking for years, I doubt stopping now will make much of a difference.” 

“You just got off an oxygen tank.” Edamura furrowed his brow. That look again. His face was different when he was being sincere. Laurent always thought he looked sexy when he got stern like that. 

Laurent was amused by the push back. People were normally too intimidated by him to call him out like that. “Fine. I won't smoke.” Laurent sat back and put his hands up exasperatedly. Smiling the whole time. One of his favorite things about Edamura is how much he bickered. Whatever was on his mind, he would say it.

“Come here.” Edamura gestured to his lap.

“What? You wanna cuddle me?”

Edamura rolled his eyes. “Don't treat me like one of your little girlfriends.”

“I don't have those.” Laurent protested as he laid down in Edamura's lap.

Laurent was happy to play little spoon if Edamura wanted it. It wasn't his usual, but he didn't mind it. Edamura normally brought him out of his comfort zone anyway. With him, he sort of liked being pampered. 

His head was over Edamura's thighs. Lazily, he reached and brought one of Edamura's hands to his hair. With the invitation Edamura dragged his hands through it. He shampooed nice, it smelt like honey.

“Wanna get married?” Laurent grinned with his eyes closed.

“Dont be stupid. At least take me out first.” Edamura mumbled.

“Sure.” Laurent hummed. “Whatever you want.” 

“I want a lambo and a million dollars. And a beach house.” Edamura grinned.

“Ill steal it for you.” Laurent sneered back.

Edamura pet his face. The little bit of stubble that had grown in scratched his hands. “No more stealing. How about you get a job and then I'll consider marrying you.”

“Whatever you want.” Getting a job wasn't hard. He’d gotten plenty for cons. The only difference was keeping the job long term, but he’d get used to it. In fact, he’d be happy to do it.

“Laurent?”

“Makoto?” He hummed back. 

Edamura cleared his throat. Laurent liked that habit, when he knew he was gonna do something risky but he couldn’t just not do it. He always felt like he had to get it out.

“I love you.” Edamura said. Strangely it was harder to say this time. He had just laid all of himself out for someone to see.

Laurent loved him before all that. He loved every moment he saw of him. Not a thing he could do or say would change that. “I love you too.” 

“Let’s actually get married someday. Maybe in a few years.” Edamura offhand mumbled

“Sure.” Laurent smiled casually. He’d marry him today if he could. But he’d marry him any day, everyday forever.