Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The breath left her lips, clouding around her red face, pushing back heat that overwhelmed her senses, the last thing she needed in her current situation. Still, it was better than freezing, she was so cold she was almost hot. Maybe she’d die of hypothermia before- 

No. Stop that. Focus. 

Focus on balancing the weight evenly across her legs, so as not to tire herself out. She’d learnt that at soccer practise, back when she tried out for the team in freshman year. Back when-

Jesus Christ, this focus thing was a pain in the ass. 

Ok, ok. Think. Hard, and make it quick. They’re everywhere. You have no idea who you can trust. Please just trust yourself. She nodded, slowly, to herself, breathing carefully, tucking her hair behind her ears, stretching her legs. 

You idiot! What do you think this is, the fucking Olympics? Limp. Limp for your life. Please. 

She didn’t notice it at first. No, there was too much terror and snow and silence to take in her surroundings. There was too much cold seeping in from the soles of her feet up her legs. Not even the adrenaline could warm her now. Run, run, run.

She clawed at her long dark hair, willing to wake up, willing to be in her bedroom and this all to be some sick dream, willing the eyes in the trees to stop watching her. She bent double and screamed, hoping to god - or whoever was out here - no one was near enough to hear. 

Someone howled, faraway, and that woke her up again. She broke into a lopsided sprint, her feet padding against the soft snow, her hair whipping in the wind, her necklace bouncing against her chest. 

She fell. 

***

“Mary! Mare, I’m open!” Lily screamed across the pitch. One point. That was all it would take. 

There were 34 seconds on the clock, so far it was 3-all. It was so loud, she wasn’t convinced Mary had heard her. She waved her arms, making eye contact with Dorcas. They nodded at each other, ready to strike if necessary, if Mary suddenly freaked out. It wouldn’t be the first time.

Mary acknowledged her, but continued moving forward, her signature cheetah’s pace. A firm stride, coach Rosier called it, arms even, legs even, moving like clockwork. 

She was gonna make it. Launching her leg into the air, Mary risked the game...

The ball connected with the net; Mary had caught her out, aiming at one side of the net, then shooting for the other. It was her signature move, it was almost embarrassing the other team hadn’t figured that out in their 90 minutes together. 

“Mare! Holy shit!” Lily jumped at her, instantly pacing the field, wrapping her arms around her best friend. The others piled on shortly, Marlene, Dorcas, Pandora, Emmeline, Sybill, Charity. The lot of them, the whole team, a mess of arms and legs and pure, unbreakable joy. 

“We’re goin’ to Nationals!” Mary shouted. The others joined in, chanting the signature “Buzz buzz buzz!” 

It wasn’t long until the entire stands erupted, a mixture of buzzing and cheering and chanting. Lily had never felt that high, not in a hook up or when Mary told her something before she told anyone else. It may have been the best moment of her life. 

***

“Ah. Oh. James!” Mary squealed, hoping she was convincing enough. In truth, he wasn’t paying much attention to her face, or her body language. He wasn’t even really looking at her. There was this far away glance, like she could’ve been any girl, it wouldn’t have mattered. It hurt, it really fucking stung, in truth. Buzz buzz buzz she thought, conjuring up her most recent exciting memory to convey some sort of emotion for James. The game! It had been fantastic, more than fantastic, but she couldn’t think of a word. It was stellar, tubular, epic, awesome. Life changing, maybe, though college on a soccer scholarship hadn’t even crossed her mind until right now. She was only a junior, after all. 

She’d heard Lily say she was open, and Dorcas too, and she knew Doris Purkiss had been annoyed when she kept the ball instead of passing it to someone closer, but she just had this feeling. Like it’d all work out. Like she could do it. She almost never felt that way anymore. It was like standing in the sun after a year of winter. She smiled at the thought. 

“Oh. Ah, ah.” She fake-panted. “I’m done.” She kissed James, hard, not opening her mouth whilst doing so.

“I-I love you, Mare.” He breathed, in between heavy kisses. She sat up a little straighter, bristled by the words. She loved him, she was certain of it, she was just pretty sure you weren’t supposed to say that kind of thing on a school morning. She’d say it back at prom, when they won king and queen. Then they’d go back to his place and finally go all the way. It was perfect in her head. Picture perfect. She just had to hold out a little longer. They’d be back from nationals two nights before prom. 

Mary kissed him harder, hoping that was enough to keep the words in her throat from leaping out. “I’d better get ready for school.” She was acutely aware of the time ticking away on the clock above her dresser. “You’ll have to go out the window. Again.” 

She brushed her teeth three times, and not because she was some sort of perfectionist. No, it was because James tasted like breakfast burritos and sweat, the same way his car smelt, and it was the last thing she needed on the morning after her great game. 

She messed with her hair in the mirror, trying to avoid looking into her dull eyes. She looked so miserable, she almost couldn’t stand it. She threw a towel over the mirror, blocking out the sad version that stared back at her, going into her room to change. Fuck, it was miserable being seventeen. 

***

‘ Dear diary ’ 

Lily scribbled across the page. ‘Dear Diary’ was such a cliche way to start a journal entry, Mary called stuff like that BB, which stood for Beyond Basic. Freshmen were BB, Johnny Depp movies were BB, crushing on Ralph Macchio or Jordan Bellington from AP Chemistry was BB. Lily agreed with all of it, the same way she always did, except for Jordan from AP Chem. He was pretty hot. 

‘ Today we have our last pep rally before we’re heading to NATIONALS!!! I’ve never been to Washington, but that means I’m ultra excited. I think we all are. I sorta wish Doris wasn’t coming though, she told us last week that she doesn’t even know who the president is. It’d be totally wasted on her. 

I don’t really know what there is to do in Seattle. Petunia went once on an overnight field trip there, but obviously she didn’t tell me anything just to be annoying. I think dad went once as well, but there’s about as much chance he’d tell me about it as there is of Tuney suddenly turning around and acting like she wants me at her wedding. 

Seattle isn’t one of those places, like New York or Hollywood or California, where people use any excuse to talk about it, or the plays they saw. I hope I’ll get to see a play, maybe I’ll even convince Mary to come with me, though she hates that kinda stuff. I could probably find one with a dreamboat main man for her, if I was really desperate for her company. Dorcas wouldn’t be too hard to convince eit… ’

Lily looked up, hearing a loud thump a little while up Mary’s driveway. Her jaw dropped, just slightly, seeing James Fucking Potter climb out of Mary’s bedroom window, drop his bag onto the gravel behind Mrs MacDonald’s car, and crawl down the trellis like a spider monkey. He picked up his backpack, jogging across the front yard towards his car. Their eyes locked for a second, a mutual terrified look shared between their pupils. Nonononono… 

James removed his gaze from Lily’s green eyes, and the breath caught in her throat. She coughed, winding the leather fasten around her journal and throwing it into the backseat. She tucked the pen in her front breast pocket, watching the house, not looking towards James’ car, parked across the road because he was an idiot and had no idea how strict Mary’s parents were, as he started the engine and drove off. Lily noticed her cheek had grown wet, and wiped messily at her left eye. She turned the rear view mirror in her direction, checking there was no trace of leaking mascara or eyeliner down her cheek. 

She hadn’t even noticed Mary leave her house, or that she was walking towards her car. She smiled, her signature broad full toothed grin. Almost everything about Mary was signature, her run, her smile, her singing voice - despite the fact she’d stopped singing at the end of Freshman year. Even the style she did her hair in for soccer. Lily had seen several freshmen copy it, that was how popular, how well known Mary MacDonald was. 

Mary pulled the door open, sliding into the passenger side. Lily smiled at her, she couldn’t help it. Or maybe she could, maybe smiling just pushed the guilt somewhere beneath her lungs, so she wasn’t breathing it in and coughing it out, like second hand smoke. 

Second hand, because James wasn’t hers. He never had been, he never would be. 

“Evans! Helloooo?” Mary said suddenly. Oh, fuck, she’d been talking. Lily smiled apologetically, turning on the radio and turning the car key. 

“Oh, you’re back, thank God. Anyways,” Lily turned the sharp corner out of Mary’s street, linking onto a quiet road a few blocks behind their school. They always went the back way, there was less traffic and it took longer, so there was more time to catch up in case they couldn’t during the day. “Me and James have been speaking, and I think we’re finally gonna do it on prom night. Which is, like, so romantic. Right?” She said it as if it was a statement, but Lily heard the doubt underneath her confidence, twelve years of friendship gave you those kinds of senses. 

“Besides,” Mary continued, pulling down the vanity mirror in her sun visor and applying lipstick, “We’ll all be looking into colleges soon, and I’ll be eighteen by the end of the summer. Being a virg, it isn't very adult, you know what I mean?”

Lily laughed, “no, not really. I’m surprised James is still a virgin, honestly.” She told her, the knot of guilt digging it’s fingernails into her stomach in short, quick jabs. She scratched at her midriff, hoping to quiet the insatiable doubt within her. 

“Well we’ve never had sex, Lil.” Mary looked at her seriously, as if she thought Lily was feeling ill, until her face melted and she smiled. A song began playing on the radio and she gasped, turning the volume knob. 

Lily recognised the drums, sighing in dread as Mary started moving her arms and singing along. Signature voice.

"I love myself, I want you to love me

When I feel down, I want you above me 

I search myself, I want you to find me

I forget myself, I want you to remind me!" 

Mary started flapping her arms, pushing Lily playfully on the chorus. They laughed, giggling until Lily finally gave in and sang along. Mary put her hands out, doing an exaggurated shrug and point to match the lyrics. 

"I don't want anybody else," Mary reached a hand down her stomach and across her chest, shaking for comedic emphasis, and partial realism, "When I think about you I touch myself! Oh oh!" 

Lily was singing too, but quietly. She thought that summed them up pretty nicely, Mary was loud and had her every move planned out, and Lily quietly went along with it, backing her best friend up when it was needed. She turned another corner, approaching the diner the team usually frequented after a successful game. It was quiet, they saw Coach's youngest son Felix sat around a table with a few of his middle school friends from the window and waved, but he hadn't seen them. 

"I forget how little he is sometimes," Mary said, turning the radio volume back down, "I thought I was so mature when I was thirteen."

"We were pretty cute though. I love those photos from when we were kids." Lily reassured her, "I like the girls scouts one in your mom's office the most." 

"We were adorable girl scouts. I hated it, all the bugs," Mary shivered at the thought. Lily laughed at her best friend, squirming in her seat. "You were great though. Remember all those cookies we sold?" 

"Don't act like you don't know full well all those sales were my dad." Lily laughed back, turning the radio up again as the Cranberries began playing. "Petunia was furious, there was nothing but cookies in his pantry for months. She said it was ruining her summer stomach and all her friends would think he was turning into some obese divorcee, then my dad searched her room because he thought her friends were giving out dodgy advice and found all these magazines full of sex advice under her mattress and took her TV and Video player away until September." 

Mary was in hysterics, holding her stomach as she full-belly laughed to Lily's anecdote. "Hey, remember Little League-" Mary began as they drove into the school parking lot, driving past the Announcements Board at the front of the school. Mary stopped dead in her tracks, gazing out the window as her eyebrows furrowed. It read: 

CONGRATULATIONS TO THE SOPHOMORE BOYS BASEBALL TEAM ON SECOND PLACE AT STATES.

Mary tutted and smacked her lips, shaking her head in that cocky way she did when James started an argument. She rolled the window down, sticking the top half of her body out of Lily's tin can of a Ford Fiesta, so she was practically straddling the window. "Second place at states?!" She yelled towards the group of Sophomore baseball boys sat on the green, passing around a cigarette before homeroom. Several people looked in their direction, people they knew and people they didn't, but Mary didn't care, she wasn't that genre of insecure. "Try motherfucking nationals! Put that in your spliff and smoke it! Dicks!" She climbed back in the car, laughing and clapping. Lily laughed along, watching as the baseball boys looked around, waiting for someone to stand up for them. Mary saw too. 

"Aw, God bless those boys. Maybe someone'll care when they get hot." She said, pointing for Lily to park in a spot near the art department.

"I'll meet you in English in third period, alright Evans?" Mary asked, clambering around awkwardly to retrieve her backpack from the backseat. At one point, her ass ended up in Lily's face. She smacked Mary away, laughing and agreeing to meet her in their shared class. They were leaving third period fifteen minutes early to get changed for the Pep Rally. It was a 'Special occasion' so the event would be held during school hours, instead of after school like usual, at least according to the loud speaker on Monday morning. It was Wednesday now, and nationals were on Saturday. They'd be back next Wednesday, just in time for the Junior/Senior prom on Friday night. Lily already had her dress, it was green and had a flowered sequin pattern that curved around the right breast. Mary was going with James, obviously, and she had somehow convinced Lily to go with his best friend Peter Pettigrew. She said it'd be like a double date, but Lily was doubtful. At least she knew Dorcas was going alone and she could persuade her into wandering the halls and getting drunk off cheap Vodka when they got bored. 

Mary walked off, meeting a few girls from her homeroom. One of them was showing her painted fingernails to the group. Mary looked over her shoulder and smiled, signature, before walking off towards the math department. 

And somehow, that smile was enough to get Lily through the day. 

***

"I got it." Remus announced, coming over clutching a brown paper bag. Marlene and Sirius exchanged an excited glance, waiting for Remus to hand the bottle around. It was the real stuff, strong and bitter and too heavy on your tongue, from the booze store near the diner where they didn't ask for ID. Marlene felt stupid, like being excited to drink on a Wednesday morning somewho weighed into something more. She immediately shrugged those feelings off when the bag was handed around, swigging the bottle back roughly. It stung her eyes and throat. 

When the taste settled in her mouth and she realised how shitty and cheap it tasted, she truly did feel desperate. 

Worse, she felt like her mom. 

Marlene passed the bottle back to Remus quickly, wiping the guilt from around her mouth.

Sirius' pager beeped. "Hey! I just got us hooked up with some ecstasy." 

"No fucking way. Pick it up from your guy later, we can do it at the party tonight." Marlene told him, wiping at her mouth aggressively with her sleeve. The taste wouldn't leave, the guilt was still there, around her red lips. Her lipstick was probably all over the place. She wished she could be the sort of girl who didn't give a shit about smudged lipstick, but she did. She really did. 

"Who's going to the bonfi-?" Remus began, but he was cut off by the sound of screeching tires. 

"BURNOUT! SHOW US YOUR TITS!" Some jock shouted from his sports car. Marlene shrank back, taking the bottle from Remus' limp hand as Sirius lifted his vest and flashed his tattooed chest towards the car. He'd gotten a huge mural in Roman numerals on his chest on his seventeeth birthday from this place that didn't card. Apparently he was one of the only customers who'd ever gotten tatted at that shop who's artwork hadn't gotten infected, which he took as a win. Marlene still thought it was a little gross, but she had a tiny exclamation point on the back of her ankle. It'd hurt like a bitch in her old soccer boots when she'd first gotten it done, and she'd lied about hooking up with a college guy in his car to the other girls. Really, her, Sirius and Remus had sat in Remus' car with the windows down smoking weed and figuring out how many band aids it took for Marlene's ankle to hurt less in her boots, which was more fun than it sounded. 

Marlene weld her arm back as the jocks tutted at Sirius and began to turn out of the back parking lot where they hung out. At the last second, she chucked the bottle through the air until it hit the car, smashing into a million tiny pieces of glass as the liquid cascaded down his bumper. The boys gasped, and Marlene turned around in shock at her own actions. The car revved, and Marlene grabbed both boys by the wrist without thinking, running out of the parking lot. 

***

"Uh, here I go, here I go, here I go again

Girls, what's my weakness?" 

The entire team were singing along to Pandora's tape. The song had begun by playing on her walkman, which had quickly glitched itself off and stopped playing any noise, which was when she'd walked off to help Mary do Doris' face paint. Marlene had continued singing, leading the team into the second verse. It was nice, for all of them, to be united over a silly song. Sure, they were a team, they were the Yellowjackets, for God's sake; but that had never stopped the constant dispute between cliques. It just meant they played soccer together. 

But this wasn't one of those days, they weren't just united by their love of the sport, they were united in hope, love, longing to do well. Longing for Seattle, to win nationals. 

"Men!" Marlene and Sybill said simultaneously, jumping up onto the bench, high fiving, then jumping down the opposite side they'd approached on. It was a rountine of sorts, something they frequented. 

"Okay, then,chillin' chilin', mindin' my business," Sybill took over the singing, dancing down the corridor as Dorcas slapped her ass playfully. "Yo, salt," she looked at Dorcas, pointing, who stood up and twirled Sybill. "I looked around and I couldn't believe this,

I swear, I stared, my neice my witness

The brother had it going on with something kinda, oh!" 

Sybill had crossed the locker room, arriving at the adjacent bathroom, where Mary was carefully painting a bumblebee on Doris' left cheek. 

"It's so unfair." She was telling Mary, who told her not to move as much to keep the face paint in place. "I'm the only freshman who got asked to the senior prom." 

"Yeah, it is unfair, kid." Mary called everyone younger than her 'Kid'. It barely ever offended anyone. Mary had that kind of impact on people, like receiving a nickname from the most popular girl in school was a compliment. "But you'll have three more proms, and you'll probably get invited to other schools' proms."

"Hey, Mare." Sybill announced, hugging the doorframe and poking her head into the bathroom. "Coach Rosier wants to speak to you." She turned into the locker room, "Emma! He wanted you, as well." 

Emma Vanity waited outside the bathroom for Mary, who handed face painting duties over to Pandora. "I bet you'll make it for prom on Friday." Pandora told Doris, a weak attempt at kindness. She was awful at small talk. 

"Easy for you to say, I bet no one even asked you." Doris rebuttled. She wasn't wrong, but Pandora didn't exactly mind not going to prom. Her 'way of life', well, it didn't exactly fit into the prom binary. She didn't mind either way, it was never as if she was going to turn up in a dress with her hair done. No, if anything, she'd be Wallflowering and wallhugging the auditorium getting slowly tipsy all night in a shirt and slacks. The idea made her feel slightly ill. 

Still, Doris was beyond comfortable being rude to the older girls. "Okay, Dor, you're done." She smiled, in a way that Doris would know she was being rude and Panda was throwing that energy right back at her. She walked out the room. Dorcas and Sybill brushed past her, leaning over to look at their hair in the bathroom mirror. 

"One braid or two?" Sybill asked, seperating her hair into thirds.

"Two." The other girls agreed simultaneously. 

"Doris is slowing us down." Sybill said, once she was done with the first braid and moving onto the second. 

Dorcas nodded. "Don't worry about it." She told them, tying her hair up. "I'll figure something out."

Emma and Mary paced down the hallway to Coach's office. Emma rolled her eyes as they waited for him to get up from his desk and open the door, the janky lock meant it couldn't be opened from the outside. Everyone knew Emma hated Coach; she said he was always looking at their boobs and it was offensive to her as a senior that she got disciplined for reporting it rather than him being questioned for his actions. 

"He's such an old fucking fart." She said to Mary, leaning against the opposite wall to her co-captain and loudly smacking her gum. 

Mary laughed politely, "yeah." 

Coach Rosier finally opened the door, limping on his one leg. A soccer coach who couldn't properly use both legs: ironic. 

He beckoned both of them inside, shutting the door and fixing his glasses on his head. His hair was gray and short, the kind of balding short when you can see the pink flesh beneath what used to be a full head of hair. He used to be brunette: Evan had shown some of his classmen a photo of his dad for a spirit day in freshman year. Neither Emma or Mary were in Evan's grade, so neither had seen the photo, but it was supposedly hillarious. 

Coach lowered himself onto the chair behind his desk, holding his leg out at an odd angle. Emma smacked her gum and folded her arms. 

"Girls, with nationals quickly coming up, we need your captainship more than ever." He said, gesturing widely with his hands the same way he always did. "As captain," he pointed at Emma. "And co-captain," he pointed to Mary. "You girls are in charge for a reason, because you have the leadership skills required.I trust you to lead the girls to victory."

"Isn't that your fucking job? That you get paid to do?" Emma asked him, her face painting with faux innocence. "To coach us, Coach Rosier?" 

He stared back at her. "Dismissed." He said slowly, chewing on the words. 

***

"You know 'em, you love 'em, and they're about to take the soccer world by storm, please give it up for Wiskayok High's own Yellowjackets!" 

The stands errupted, everyone clapping and cheering as the team jogged out of the locker room and into the Gym. Almost the entire school was seated in the bleachers, yet no one cheered as loud as Amelia Bones: team equipment manager and the dorkiest girl anyone knew. She was nice enough, and very enthusiastic about the team, but no one really liked her. She didn't have many friends, not since the huge blow up argument she'd had with the popular girls in freshman year. The same year, those girls spread a horrible rumour about her doing anal with Jordan Bellington in the janitors closet. Emma and Marlene had arrived at school early every day for weeks to scrub horrible shit written about her off the bathroom walls before Amelia could see it. No one on the team had bothered her since then, she was even beginning to get quite friendly with a few of them. 

"Y-E-L-L-O-W," She cheered, acting like other people would join in. Marlene felt full of pity for her. "J-A-C-K-E-T-S, Yellowjackets they're the best!" 

She had no rhythm, but Mary and Lily both smiled thankfully in her direction. 

Mary turned towards Lily, smiling as she passed her necklace between the pads of her fingers. Lily wondered if she smiled at James like that, if she smiled at the girls in her homeroom or the boys in her Physics class when she asked for a spare pen. Maybe not, maybe that smile was reserved for Lily and she should know that. Twelve years. 

Mary and Lily had become friends on the open morning at an Elementary school. Lily wasn't supposed to go to Waverly Alexander Elementary and Middle School, it was too far away from their neighbourhood: they were only visiting the open morning because one of the rich moms from her mothers work was going to be there and Carol Evans had wanted to impress her collegue, and Petunia was already at a different Elementary school, but Lily set her heart on WAEMS the minute she'd met Mary. They'd be glued at the hip ever since. 

Principal Meyer was talking, but Lily didn't intake a single word he said. She was too busy looking at Mary. 

Mary had turned away, was talking in low tones to Lucida Talkalot, who wore the number 12 jersey and was in Mary's homeroom, but Lily couldn't tear her gaze away. 

***

"Oh my God, you fucking sicko." Marlene fumed, crossing her arms and staring Dorcas down. The pep rally was over, the girls were all gathered on the green outside the locker room. Sybill, Lucinda and Lily were listening in, standing to the sides.

"I'm not gonna do her any serious damage, Marlene. Jesus Fuck." Dorcas countered, mirroring Marlene's crossed arms. They were all wearing the same shirt: light gray, navy writing, 'WHS YELLOWJACKETS' written across the chest.

"How do you know that, Cas?" Marlene shouted back. A few people looked over. 

"Just fucking trust me, before you fly off the handle. Oh, and by the way, you smell like a wino." 

Marlene picked up her backpack, shaking with rage. "Okay, yeah, we're done here. If you're not gonna listen, just go pyscho on Doris, the fucking freshman. Great idea, Cas."

She stormed off, fumbling for the pack of cigarettes in her back pocket.

"Cas," Lily asked, "what are you gonna do to Doris?" 

Dorcas shrugged, "keeping the ball from her isn't enough. We can't keep freezing her out, she'll cost us Nationals. I'll think of something, Evans, just trust me." 

Lily nodded, slowly. "Mary won't like it." She said, matter of factly, "she loves Doris like a sister." 

Dorcas shrugged again. "That's her problem." 

Sybill was tapping her foot, clearly occupied by something. Her brain was running twenty miles a minute, and she lifted her hand to her mouth to chew on her fingernails. The urge took over in less than thirty seconds, and soon her legs were moving fast, following Marlene.

"Hey! Marls, wait up!" She shouted, running toward her friend. 

Marlene was slumped against a tree, in a deserted area of the outside caferteria, her blond hair frayed out around her head, her forehead on the pad of her knees, a cigarette hanging from her lip. Sybill lowered herself next to her, the thin material of her shirt making her back feel closer to the surface of the wood. 

"Don't make me your fucking hasbeen just because I've got no friends, Syb." She said, wiping her face with the heel of her hand. Oh, fuck, she'd be crying. Sybill was awful when people cried, didn't know how to handle it. 

"I'm not doing that. I care about you. We're friends, we're team mates." Sybill reassured her, taking a deep breath before she continued. "Look, I know all that shit happened last year, and I'm by no means telling you to get over it, but you see those girls every day, Marls." 

Marlene rolled her head against the tree, looking Sybill in the eye. This close, the skin around her face was sallow, her eyes were far away and empty, her roots were growing out. 

In Sophomore year, Marlene had been dating Dorcas. It was quiet, something not many people off the team new about, probably her stoner friends, but Sybill wasn't sure about that part. They'd been in love, that was the way it looked, the kind of love your parents are in in an old photo, the kind that makes sense just because it does. Pure, unwavering admiration. 

In July, Marlene always volunteered at a summer camp upstate, when she returned to school in September she wanted nothing to do with Dorcas, she stopped talking to the girls she had been friends with since Middle School, she smoked more pot and hung around with people far too old. The only place she ever really looked at home was on the pitch. 

The bell rang, interrupting whatever Sybill planned to say next. Her brain turned to fog. 

"Scrimmage." Marlene muttered, wiping at her eyes again. She stubbed her cigarette out on the concrete beside her feet. 

They got up silently, walking to the soccer field together, but Marlene looked less miserable for the company, so that was something. 

***

"Thanks for turning up, girls." Coach Ted said sarcastically, as Marlene and Sybill wandered in through the gate and sat down on the grass. "Better late than never." 

He turned towards the team, huddled up near the out door bleachers after running a few laps. Several of them had sweat stains on their gray t-shirts. Sybill hated laps: she was glad she was late. 

Ted continued. "Coach Rosier couldn't be here this afternoon, he had to rush home for a family emergency." 

Someone near the back whispered, "Felix is getting bullied. My younger sister heard Evan telling that weird quiet boy in homeroom. He said he got pushed into a locker and hurt his head.Must have happened again." 

"Quiet boy? You mean Reggie?" Dolores asked, barely whispering. Trust her to be more concerned with her stupid crush than a child being bullied. 

"Is that really all you gathered from what I just said, Frumpbridge?" Emma said, giving her a sharp look to match her pointed eyeliner. "Keep your pig nose out." 

"Come on, guys, very mature. Em," Ted pointed towards her, "You're a senior. Act better." 

She shrugged, mouthing sorry. Emma Vanity didn't let anyone tell her what to do, let alone a 20-something year old man. Everybody knew that, most of all Ted; they'd argued enough times. 

"Anyway, I'll be leading scrimmage, with Amelia's help," he pointed towards the bleachers, where Amelia was sat and waving; no one had even noticed she was there, despite the pink hair. "We've got a compitition to win, girls! I wanna see everyone doing their best, maximum effort, because I promise it'll be worth it. A win could even help a few of you get into college. So, let's begin!" He clapped loudly. 

"Ted?" Charity said, poking her slim arm into the air. "Shouldn't we pray?" 

Coach looked back at her in confusion, but agreed nonetheless. "Uh, sure, Charity. Do you wanna lead?" 

She nodded eagerly, "yes, thank you." 

Everybody shut their eyes, clasping their hands together and waiting for her to begin. "Heavenly Father, may our efforts remain fruitful, so that we perform in ways glorious to you. In your name we pray. Amen."

"Amen." Everyone chorused.

Ten minutes later they were deeply focussed in a practise game, the team divided into two. It had begun as JV vs Varsity, but so many people had swapped sides that now it was just clique vs clique. It was seven-a-side: Doris, Charity, Dorcas, Pandora, Alice, Dolores and Sybill on one team; Emmeline, Marlene, Lily, Mary, Emma, Hestia and Lucinda on the other.

"Cassie! Cassie!" Doris was shouting, waving her arms in Dorcas' direction. No one called Dorcas 'Cassie', not even her closest friends. Doris must have thought it was cute, that she could get away with it because she was the youngest. Dorcas rolled her eyes, ignoring her. If freezing her out was the easiest way to do this, then that was what she'd do, screw Marlene, or Lily, or Mary. 

It was all too fast, she couldn't see what she was doing, where she was going, even though there were only fourteen people on the pitch, it felt like thousands. They were all multiplied; in the corner of her eye there were six Pandoras, ten Lilys. 

"Do-r-c-as." Someone said, but it was far away, she was far away. Someone was calling to her from another room, but they were out in the open. Someone was calling from within- the phone kept ringing, three seconds between each 'Brrrrring', but she was outside. Where the fuck was there a phone? How the fuck was someone calling her from inside her own head?

"Do-r-cas M-eaaaa-do-wes."

Brrrrring

"Do-r-cas M-eaaaa-do-wes."

Brrrrring

"Do-r-cas M-eaaaa-do-wes."

Brrrrring

"Do-r-cas M-eaaaa-do-wes."

Brrrrring

"Dorcas!" 

It was Pandora, she was in front of her, both hands out, stopping her from running any further. Jesus, Dorcas had thought she was up the other end of the pitch. When had she moved?

People were looking over, the game paused just for Dorcas. It made her feel stupid. 

"Are you alright?" Pandora asked earnestly, pressing a hand to her friends arm, scorching her with her touch. 

"Yeah, sorry." She said, but was it true? Was it alright to have a phone ringing inside your head, the shake of the ringing bouncing around inside of your skull, turning your brain to Jello? "I'm- a million miles away." 

Ted nodded, blowing his whistle, and Pandora moved back where she had been before. 

She was still too far away, she didn't see Doris run in front of her. She didn't notice their legs get tangled, not until it was two late, not until Doris was flying to the floor, landing on her right leg, her nose in the mud of the field. 

But Dorcas did notice, when she could see the bone protude from her leg.

She noticed when everybody crowded around the crumpled freshman, when Ted send Amelia to call for an ambulance.

And she knew, deep down, that it was her fault, whether she had been present or not. 

Chapter Text

"I'm sure she's alright." 

It was Mary, the object of optimism as always, standing by the entrance to the bathroom, her posture displaying worry. Her nails were bitten down to the quick, she rubbed her thumb across the surface of them, the jagged edges snagging on the skin. The girls were gathered in the locker room, undressing and re-dressing in silence, thick unease coating the room. 

"You could see her fucking bones, Mary." Marlene said, hugging her knees on the floor, her back pressed against her locker. Mary folded her arms and shrugged. She didn't know how to help. It made her feel pathetic, the smile dropping from her face when no one was looking, her eyes empty brown saucers. 

"Oh God. I'm gonna throw up." Pandora muttered, her hands on her thighs, her feet tapping nervously against the tiled floor. Dorcas placed a hand on her shoulder, rubbing it once before dragging her hand away, as if it had reached out of its own accord. 

"The Lord works in mysterious ways, y'know, girls." Charity said, brushing her hair and looking in the small mirror inside of her locker. 

"Yeah, fuck this. Panda?" Marlene said, getting up in her soccer uniform and throwing her backpack over her shoulder, her boots smacking against the tile. Marlene and Pandora lived in the same trailer park. Everyone knew, the same way everyone knew both their moms were junkies. They had an invisible tether, always intertwined, even when they barely spoke. Pandora looked over her shoulder at Dorcas, grabbing her bag and following Marlene out, their blond heads bobbing towards the door. 

Marlene pulled a pack of cigarettes out of her back pocket, lighting it with Pandora's lighter. She took a drag before handing it to her friend, holding the gate open as they made their way out of school. 

"That was so fucking gross." Pandora said, passing the cigarette back and crossing the road, thumbing a necklace of plastic teeth hanging around her neck. Their trailer park was three blocks away.

Marlene muttered in agreement, tying her hair up. "You going to the bonfire?"

"Mhm, Cas is dragging me along. Peter Pettigrew's bringing a keg." 

"Whoop." Marlene said, sarcastically. They crossed another road, past the diner, down towards Sandy's Records on Main Street. "God, I wish I had a car." She remarked, her legs aching from the scrimmage, from running back and forth from the soccer field to the ambulance. Everyone had wanted to help, getting Doris' things, calling her mom. 

Pandora bumped her friend with her hip, knocking her into a bush. "Where are you getting the money for a car from?" 

Marlene laughed, a hollow sound, a husk of humour. "One of mom's exes was a mechanic. He always liked us." She saw the look in Panda's eyes, addressing it. "Not in a pedo way."

"I thought your mom was weird about dating, since your dad ran off?" She asked, crossing the final street and walking down the alleyway, towards the back entrance to the trailer park. 

"She is, but it comes and goes. Bipolar." Marlene said it matter of factly, as if everyone knew about her mom's condition. Maybe they did, there had been plenty of rumours spread about her in the last three years. "Her brother's a drug dealer", "She's got three kids and she's only sixteen, total slut.", "I heard she tossed Rory Tamfield's salad, if y'know what I mean." (None of which were true, by the way.) Then again, the bipolar wasn't new. It didn't fit into the bracket of new Marlene, of high school Marlene. It was a rumour lost to time, only known by the Wiskayok High School students who had attended her middle school. 

It had started out when her dad left. April 4th, 1991. She was eleven, he hadn't even waited until June, for her birthday. Her brother Danny was seventeen. She didn't really know why her dad left, just that he was there when she put her younger siblings to bed the night before, and he was gone by the morning. His closet empty, suitcase and passport missing, TV gone from it's place in the living room. There had been crying, lots of it, but none from her. Her mother, Diane, had cried enough for every member of their family, all six of them, no one to fill dad's space in their family of seven. Danny tried, but he was no Ford McKinnon, there was too much anger in him for it, embedded in his brain, laid to rest somewhere between his skin and his flesh, a thick layer of fire that soured a room. She made a vow to herself that week, after watching silently from her bedroom as Danny kicked their little brother. In that moment she knew what she had to do, what role she had to fill. If mom spent all her time crying, and dad had disappeared into the night, and this was how her brother treated a four year old for crying, then she would stand in. She would be the mother they needed, she'd tuck them in at night, get them up each morning, make money from odd jobs, spoil them, give them the life they deserved, dad or no dad, mom or no mom, Danny or Marlene. 

She'd kept that promise, that silent oath to herself. It was a fucking miracle she'd manouvered all of her jobs around this week, saving up for months on the off chance they got to go to nationals, the chance she would have to leave their home to it's own accord. Georgia was thirteen now, old enough to do a paper round, help out at the video store, convince mom to filter through the junk stacked up in closets and find the few things she was willing to part with, sell anything she could, sustain them if they needed to. Marlene had taught her oldest-little-sister well; who'd even convinced Diane not to flush her pills again a few weeks ago. Her little miracle, with her mousy hair and her freckles. 

There were two others, two more McKinnons, all living in that tiny two bedroom trailer that was only ever meant for the two parents and their two oldest children, bought long before Georgia was born. Ricky, he was nine, his curly hair still that little-kid shade of blond, his cheeks still chubby; and Bella, seven, auburn headed and fair skinned, a mirrored image of their mother, the same way Marlene and Danny had both grown up miniature Ford's, punished for having his face, their mother's hatred towards her husband relocated onto the nearest target, onto her two oldest children. 

"What time is it?" Marlene asked Pandora, glancing down at her multicoloured plastic watch, a tiny version of her face starring back up at her through the small reflective surface. 

"4:57." Pandora said, flicking the cigarette to the floor and stamping it out in her white sneakers. 

Marlene had to get off, had to race across the trailer park, pack her bag for their 9am trip to the airport, sort out their house for the next week, write down chores and 'What to do if's, add order to her family in presence when she couldn't in person. 

"I gotta run." Marlene told her, turning right in the trailer park when Pandora turned left. They lived down opposite ends, in identical white boxes, the same as everyone else. At least Pandora had no neighbours, the couple in the trailer next door to the McKinnon's were up late almost every night having extremely loud sex. It was excrutiating. "Sort out the kids." 

Pandora let out a hollow laugh, "you act like you personally birthed the three of them." 

"Might as well have," Marlene said with a shrug, running off between the trailers. "Catch you at the party, Panda!" 

She ran between the rows of trailers, an off-white maze, until she finally reached her own home. Bella was sat on the front step, her reddish brown hair pulled into a braid over one shoulder, both of her knees bruised. Dread filled Marlene as she leaned down to check up on her youngest sister. 

"Hey, Kiddo." She said, sitting beside her. Bella leaned into her shoulder, so frail, her ribs poking out through her thin t-shirt, which was stolen from the mall. "What's up? What happened to your knees?" 

Bella sniffed, wiping her palm across her nose the way little kids do. "Some girls pushed me. Momma's asleep." 

"Bitches." Marlene muttered, running her hands through her sisters hair. "We got things to do, kid. I'm going away for the week."

Bella looked up at her sister, betrayal filling her little brown eyes, "since when?" 

"Since we won nationals. Remember, last week, you had to sneak in and sit under the bleachers with Geo?" 

She nodded, understanding, but not happy with what she heard. "Who's gonna look after us?" 

"Georgia. I'll get the neighours to check in, you guys know Miss Nelson?" Miss Nelson was their neighbour on the opposite side, equally disgusted with the sex-havers from two houses over. She was always getting in trouble for having cats in her trailer. "I can get Garry to come over, and Pandora's dad." 

"They won't be as good as you." Bella mumbled. Marlene nuzzled her hair, agreeing.

"No, they won't. Better than momma, though." 

Bella nodded, her head moving under her older sister's. "Better than momma." 

Marlene stood up, holding her sister's hand while she did so, pushing the door open and dropping her backpack onto the floor. "Mom! Mom!" She screamed, dropping Bella's hand and walking into the living room, where her mother was asleep in her arm chair, mouth hanging open, hair greasy. "Mooooom! Mother! Diane!" 

She woke with a start, looking around and seeing Marlene cower over her, Bella standing in the doorway, unbothered by the shouting. 'Diane' always woke her up, only Ford and Danny really called her by her name, and they were always her favourites. 

Marlene scowered, walking away from her mother, that anger boiling in her gut, the sudden urge to reach out her hand and strike her mother across the face overwhelming. It would be easy, treat her the way she deserved to be treated for abandoning her kids while living in the same house. She wanted to love her, wanted to rely on her the way she was supposed to, wanted a mother, but Diane couldn't do that, not in her state. It was something Marlene had accepted long ago: Don't expect love, don't expect normality, don't get your hopes up when she takes her medication.

"Bels, I need pen and paper. You wanna get 'em?" She said to her little sister, leaning down to kiss her small cheek before going into the kitchen, tidying the counters, putting the dirty dishes into the sink and running the water. Bella returned a minute later, with the supplies she'd been asked to get. Marlene lifted her sister onto the counter beside her, splitting the sheet of paper into boxes, four down, seven across. She scribbled the days of the week in the column at the top, the meals in the other boxes, things she knew they liked, things Georgia could make. When she was done, she stuck the sheet to the fridge, using an old family photo magnet. Most of the picture was scratched off, time raking it's fingers across the magnet, saving Marlene from the impending pain, the stab in her gut every time she looked at it. Ford's face, bearded and bright eyed, Diana, a genuine smile on her lips, Danny, his hair freshly cut. Three people who didn't exist anymore, at least not those versions, gathered together down one end of the sun-faded magnet, Marlene and the kids down the other end, where they belonged; far away from the hasbean side of the family. 

"I'm heading out to the store." Marlene announced to her mother, though she doubted she was listening, walking into her bedroom and undressing from her soccer uniform, pulling on the first skirt she saw on the floor, red and pleated, and a black t-shirt. She grabbed her leather jacket and pulled the pack of cigarettes out of her soccer practise shorts, pulling her boots on at the door. Bella was already dressed, following her sister around like a shadow. "Hey, Bels, where are Ricky and Georgia?"

"Park." Bella replied, finger in her nose. She wiped her finger down her shorts before taking Marlene's hand. 

***

"Hey, what should I wear?" Lily asked, in Mary's general direction, standing in front of her closet and looking over her options for the bonfire party; it was tradition, the night before any kid of National compitition the members of the team would be held a party and get totally wasted. Mary sat on Lily's bed, reading an old book she'd taken from the shelf. 

"You still got that dress, with the tits?" Mary asked, trying to peer around the closet door. 

"I'm pretty sure the dress doesn't come with tits, Mare." Lily laughed, scouting out the dress she was describing: short, red, low cut, velvet. 

"Couldn't hurt." Mary replied sarcastically, raising her pencilled eyebrows before laughing hard. 

"Fuck off." Lily laughed again, undressing and pulling the dress over her head. "I'm three bra sizes bigger than you," she peered at her reflection, the dress hugging her in the wrong places, her boobs and stomach sticking out, her ass flat. She took it off suddenly, flicking through her wardrobe again in her underwear. 

"Hey, what's wrong with the dress. You look hot in it." Mary said, trying to be nice. It wasn't helpful. 

"I hate it. I look huge." 

Mary said nothing, going to stand at Lily's shoulder and look at her clothes. "I like that skirt. It goes with that green top we bought last week."

Lily didn't say anything or change her clothes, going to sit at her dressing table. The mirror was covered in photos of the two of them, as kids on Halloween, at little league, at Lily's birthday party in freshman year, at a house party Junior year, a group photo of the soccer team. 

Mary sat on the bed, sitting at close to her best friend as she could. "Hey, James told me Peter is gonna be at the party. I heard he's got it huge for you. Maybe you could hook up?" 

It came out of nowhere, practically knocking Lily out of her chair. She stood up, going over to the closet, rifling through to find a piece of clothing she'd missed. "I don't wanna hook up with Peter Fucking Pettigrew, and I don't wanna wear the outfits you fucking pick out for me." She fumed, tying her hair up and looking again, this time flicking through her dresser. 

Mary's face fell, something adjacent to insecurity lingering in her eyes. She shrank back, putting the book she'd picked up on the bookshelf. "Yeah, you're probably right. James said Peter's dick's like a rolled up pair of socks." 

"Why does your boyfriend know what his best friends dick looks like?" Lily asked, seeing what her best friend was doing. Restoring the peace, picking up the pieces, reassembling. Lily was grateful for Mary, she always was. 

"I don't know," she laughed, "it's pretty gay, right?" 

"Fully gay. Do you think they like...?" Lily left the question hanging open, gesturing with her hands. Mary burst into a fit of giggles. 

"Compare!? Lily Evans, you dirty dog." Mary was grasping her chest, breathless from laughter, all tension from the room floating gradually out of the open window. 

Lily sat down on the bed beside her friend, both of them lying back, their hair spread out over her flowered comforter. She'd finally decided on an outfit, now wearing a denim skirt and white long sleeved top. "Sorry for snapping." 

Mary punched her arm, turning over onto her side so she was looking at Lily. "No worries, AssHat. What would you do without me?" 

"Probably have better grades and less friends." Lily turned over too, so the two of them were looking at each other. "Love you." 

"I love you too, Lils." Mary kissed the tip of her friends nose. "I'd be lost without you." 

***

"Mhm, mhm, that's what I said! I told him 'you kiss me with that mouth, you weird fuck!?'. Oh my God, Mare, you should've seen his face. Distraught." Mindy Callow-Jenkins was telling the story of her most recent break up with her college boyfriend, Matt, to a group of popular kids who had no real interest. Mary was in James' arms, her head resting on his shoulder, Lily stood awkwardly to the side, nodding along and wishing she could drown in her red-solo-cup, the dark liquid shining back at her under the moonlight, some kind of grape-soda-vodka that Dorcas was obsessed with. Peter was stood far too close to her, which she was trying to ignore, a task made difficult by his AV Club friends egging him on. 

"That's great, Mindy. You stick it to him." Mary said, laughing suddenly when James leaned in and kissed her neck. Peter dug around in the breast pocket of his t-shirt, brandished a spliff, clicking his lighter to the end of it and passing it to Mindy, who blew the smoke in Lily's face. 

"Lily, you want any blow?" Mary asked, taking the joint and inhaling. Lily shook her head, downing her drink. 

"I'm just gonna go get a refill. Want anything?" She asked to the group, digging her nails into the plastic red cup. 

"Can you get me a beer, Lils?" James said, looking over at her. Lily noticed the nickname, saw the way his arms around Mary became looser, the corners of his mouth turning up. She thought she might throw up, nodding and turning before he could speak again. 

"Me too, Lillllllllly!" Peter slurred, trying to be affectionate. She heard everyone laughing at him. 

Over by the drinks, several members of the team loitered around. Charity stood with Aurora and Edward, her cup full of water. Dorcas and Pandora were talking, laughing when the song playing changed. Lily had been wondering half the night where the music was playing from, out here in the middle of the woods. Maybe if she got drunk enough she'd have the balls to go looking. She poured herself a drink, getting two Alaskan Ambers out of the cooler and walking back over, lounging against James' car, where they couldn't see her. It was almost wistful, watching her best friend and her boyfriend from a distance, some kind of jealousy melting into the knot in her stomach. 

"You ready, Marls?" Sirius asked, handing her one of the tiny pills. The three of them were gathered around the fire, reasonably drunk. 

She nodded, taking the pill and placing it on her tongue, raising a bottle of Vodka to her lips. 

"Hey, aren't you going to the Olympics tomorrow?" Remus asked, looking over her head at Sirius, trying to parent her. Nice try, Remus, I haven't been parented since I was eleven. Everyone who tried is either dead or halfway there, she thought, drunkenly laughing to herself. 

"Yeah, nationals." She said instead, swallowing the pill, washing it down with straight Vodka. 

Dorcas walked past Lily, the straightness of her steps indicating she was completely sober. Lily had a thought, staring at her long legs, earliers practise coming to mind. She felt stupid for forgetting it. 

"Hey, Dorcas!" She shouted, following her until they were stood next to the bonfire. "Why did you hurt Doris, you didn't say you were gonna do that." 

Dorcas rolled her eyes, looking to Pandora as if to make fun of Lily. "It was an accident, how many people do I have to tell? You gonna call the police, Evans? But hey, at least she can't ruin our chances of nationals now." 

Something shifted in Pandora's eyes, a kind of 'why did you have to say it like that?'. Lily jumped on it. 

"Oh, so you don't even care? You could see her bones, Cas, she's fourteen! You crippled her!" She shouted, the two of them gathering attention from their classmates now. 

"Lils, calm down, this is all a big misunderstanding." Pandora said, rubbing her hand over Lily's arm. She shrugged her off, taking a sip from her cup. 

Marlene came over, she'd been stood on the opposite side of the fire. "Hey, what's going on?" Sybill and Charity followed her over, more bystanders looking in. She understood pretty quickly. "Oh for fuck's sake, Cassie, what have you said about Doris now? That she liked her bone falling out of her leg? That she deserved it?" 

"Fuck off, Marlene." Dorcas circled in on her ex-girlfriend, looking down at her. Marlene felt small, like she was melting. Maybe it was the drugs setting in. "Don't you have a bong to hit or a pussy to eat?" 

Marlene shoved her, hard. "You calling me a slut?" She hated this, she wanted to curl up and cry and wait for Georgia to comfort her, she despised fighting with someone she used to love so much. 

"Don't be a bitch, Cas." Lily said, standing up for Marlene. She didn't understand how much it upset Marlene, who was already on the verge of crying but good at hiding it. In Middle School, Dorcas, Marlene, Lily, Mary, Pandora and Alice Fortescue had been inseperable. At the start of freshman year, Lily and Mary iced Marlene out for no reason. The others remained close, she was the indepedent variable, never changing. 

"I don't need you fighting my battles, Lily." Marlene told her, trying to look unbothered as she lit a cigarette, the flame flicking her fingers. No, no it wasn't, it just felt that way. Kinda looked it, too. She'd never tried this kind of pill before, but so far it was working. They all began shouting, voices overlapping, every man for himself.

"What's going-" Charity started, interrupting the shouting. They all looked over, annoyed by her commentary. 

"Shut the fuck up, Charity!" Everyone said at once, turning back to arguing as soon as they could. Sybill laughed, staying out of it, sipping Whisky from her cup. 

"Don't be such an uptight bitch, you fucking psycho." Lily slurred. No one had realised how much she'd had to drink, or that she'd emptied the two cans of beer she was carrying. Dorcas swung, grabbing a section of Lily's red hair and pulling, hard. Everyone was watching now, entertained by the group of usually drama free girls. Lily attempted to slap her back, dropping her cup, Pandora and Sybill jumping in to restrain her, everyone's mouth moving, everybody watching. Peter even snapped a picture on the huge camera he took everywhere with him, sending a flash towards the girls. 

Mary looked over, finally paying attention to the noise gathering behind her, immediately outraged. She dropped her cup, stomping over towards the girls.

"What the fuck are you guys playing at? Yellowjackets! Follow me." She said, her arms crossed, marching off towards the woodland. The other's followed her, walking at various speeds depending on how upset they were, or how much they'd had to drink. 

They didn't walk far, stopping in the nearest clearing, close enough that the bass still shook the ground. Lily really wanted to find out where that music was coming from. 

"Single file." Mary said to the cluster of girls. No one moved. "C'mon, guys. Stand in a straight line. You've already embarassed yourselves, just listen to me." 

Dorcas sighed with exaggeration, unfolding her arms and walking a little to the left. Pandora stood next to her, followed by Charity, Marlene, Sybill and Lily, all facing Mary. 

"We're a team, guys!" Mary said, clearly frustrated. "We have to stick together, on and off the pitch. I want you to go down this line and say one nice thing about each other. Someone go first."

Charity raised her hand slightly, "I'll do it, Mary." 

Mary nodded, grateful. The two of them swapped places, Mary joining the line, Charity standing in front of her teammates. She started on the right side, going over to Dorcas. 

"Dorcas Meadowes, you are beautiful in the eyes of our Lord. God loves you." Dorcas nodded awkwardly. Charity moved a step to the left, to Pandora. "Pandora Adams, you are beautiful in the eyes of our-" 

She was cut off by a giggle from Pandora, who laughed at her effort, the general energy of the girls getting less tense at the sound of laughter. Charity rejoined the line up, Mary going to the front. "Okay, thanks Char, but I'm gonna go first." She said, moving over to Dorcas and holding both of her hands, that middle school friendship still lingering in their touch. 

"Dorcas Meadowes: you have more fight in you than anyone I've ever known. I'm inspired by your determination." Mary moved down the line, to Pandora.

"Pandora Adams," Pandora tilted an imaginery hat, "your smile lights up a room. I mean, I feel better every time I see it, and I'm so glad I've known you for so long." 

"Charity Burbage, I truly admire your faith." Mary said, stepping to the left again, to the person she was most scared to talk to. Marlene sipped from a red-solo cup, staring her down. "Marlene McKinnon, I love that you don't give a fuck what anyone else thinks. You're so completely yourself." 

Marlene offered her a half smile, their most interaction since eighth grade. Mary continued, onto Sybill, as the other girls began talking amongst themselves. 

"You have very shiny hair. I like the curls." Pandora said to Charity, earning a huge smile. 

"You never chat shit unless someone really deserves it." Marlene said to Sybill, looking up at the taller girl, an odd shape appearing atop her elbow-length blond curls. "Also, I like your pilgrim hat." Sybill gave her an odd look, but Marlene's eyes were too far away to see her reaction. She was stood right in front of her, looking a million miles away. 

"Hey, Cas." Lily said, hands in the pockets of her jacket as she went over to Dorcas. "I'm sorry." 

Dorcas nodded, "thank you for saying that. I'm sorry, too. We should all visit Doris together when we get back." 

"Bring her some prom freebies." Lily agreed, smiling at Dorcas. 

Someone tapped her on the shoulder. "Hey, Lil, are we cool?" Mary asked, turning her friend around so they were facing each other. Lily nodded, avoiding her eyes. "Lily Janey Marie Evans, you are a terrible dancer, you listen to more Fleetwood Mac than my mom, and you couldn't hold your liquor if your life depended on it," they laughed together. "But you're the only one who's always been there for me. You're the best friend I've ever had." 

Lily hugged her, not closing her eyes as she leaned over her shoulder, the guilt intertwining with the knot, a ball of nerves covered in acid, burning her insides as she carried it around. "Can we go home?" She asked, feeling as if she might vomit. 

"Yeah, okay. I'll go get James." 

Lily followed Mary out of the woods, as did everyone else, at their own pace, Charity rejoining her friends, Marlene standing back by the bonfire, Sybill going to find whoever she had come with, leaving Dorcas and Pandora alone together. 

"Oh, finally." Remus said, upon seeing Marlene walking towards them, floating on her own little cloud. 

"You little lesbo, going into the woods high with a bunch of hot girls." Sirius said, teasing her. She elbowed him, sitting down in front of the fire, transfixed by the flames, wanting to reach out, run her fingers through them like delicate strands of hair. 

Remus and Sirius sat down either side of her, having their own drugged-out conversation, trying to include her. She gazed at the roaring fire in front of her, unable to tear her eyes away, someone appearing far away, on the opposite side to her. 

"Amelia?" She said to herself, blinking and watching the girl on the other side of the fire disappear, never really there at all. Everything felt too real on drugs, she could even smell the equipment manager's perfume in the air around her, still see the wisps of pink hair. 

***

"Thanks for the ride, babe." Mary said, kissing her boyfriend's neck, opening the front passenger door and climbing out of James' dirty car. Lily got out at the same time, hugging her best friend. 

"See you tomorrow. Do you wanna meet at the airport? Or my mom can pick you up and we can go together, if you want?" Lily asked, leaning up against the car. Mary nodded at the second option, shouldering her purse before walking across her front yard towards the house, looking back over her shoulder, the moon silhouetting her, a perfect picture. "Love you!" Lily called after her, the knot doing a cart wheel when she got no reaction. 

She shook it off, getting in the front passenger seat of James' car. He started driving again, the radio on low, going down Main Street, turning towards Lily's house, driving down the lane that bordered the woodland. There were no streetlights, just trees and the odd car. 

"James, pull over." She said quickly, not letting the words linger. He listened without hesitation, pulling his Jeep onto a patch of dirt surrounded by tall trees. She wasted no time, grabbing the back of his neck and pulling his lips onto hers. They made out recklessly for a few moments, lips and tongue and teeth mashing together in desperation. It took a few minutes for James to pull away, holding onto her jacket. 

"I thought you said we weren't doing this again." He said, between kisses, already taking his sweater off. 

"We won't," she hesitated, "again." 

And that was enough, enough confirmation between the two of them, enough to ease the guilt, the quieten her mind, to stop thinking of Mary, as they climbed into the backseat, Lily pulling down her panties and throwing them aside, hiking up her skirt, kissing James as he lay down across the back of his car, unbuttoning his jeans. She lowered herself onto him, not for the first time, gasping. They kissed again, more desperate, more ashamed. She leaned into his neck, seeing the shape of Mary's pink lipstick, smelling her perfume, feeling Mary's boyfriend writhe beneath her. 

"If you don't pull out," she panted, frantically grinding against him, "I will raise the baby out of spite to become a killing machine and hunt you down, got it?" 

He nodded, other things on his mind (obviously), something dawning on Lily as she breathed in Mary's perfume. 

"Tell me you love me." She was breathless, the blood running from her pink cheeks to between her legs. "I won't hold it against you, I promise. Just tell me you love me. Its just three words, James." 

"I-I love you, Lily!" He cried out desperately as he finished, the words sounding odd coming out of his mouth. It didn't ease the knot, it only tightened it, Lily realised, slouching back against the fogged up window of his car, redressing and adjusting her skirt, pulling her underwear back on, untying and redoing her hair in a braid, getting back in the front of the car as if nothing happened. As if she wasn't the worst best friend on the planet. 

Chapter Text

On Wednesday May fifteenth 1996, at 5:15 am, Charity Burbage woke up. She showered, curled her hair, listened to the radio. She ate breakfast, checked her suitcase was appropriately packed, tucked her teddy bear Lawrence in between a cardigan and a knee length dress, so as to avoid teasing from the other girls. Finally, she prayed. Kneeling before the cross on her bedroom wall, muttering to God, for luck, for happiness, for fulfilment. She woke up her father, said goodbye to her siblings, and drove to Wiskayok High School, the first one there by a longshot. Other than English teacher Minerva McGonagall, who she sat with until her teammates arrived. 

At 6:00, Amelia Bones watched a rat fight for it's life in their family pool. She sat at the edge, her legs dangling in the water, and watched the rodent squirm. When it looked ready to give up, it's beady eyes turning into opening black pools, she scooped it up. She dried it off, nurtured it, held it close to her chest for a few, fearless seconds before it bit her finger and scampered off into the bushes at the edge of their yard. 

At 6:30, Lily Evans woke up. She packed her suitcase last minute, throwing in every book she was currently reading, all the empty school work notebooks she could find, carefully burying her journal at the bottom. She showered, brushed her teeth, called her older sister. It went to her answering machine, but she left a message. 

"Hey, Tune." Lily said into the hallway phone, grabbing her coat from the closet by the front door, tucking it under her arm. It was supposed to be windy in Seattle. "Um, hi. I know you might not get this, and you kinda hate me at the moment. Mom says I shouldn't say things like that, but I have to look at it how it is. I mean, you're my older sister. I'm sorry we aren't close or anything, I can be a pretty shitty little sister sometimes. Um, anyway. Sorry, I got carried away. I'm heading to Seattle today, for that soccer tourament I told you about. Well, it's nationals, it's a pretty big deal. But I won't be able to talk to you for a week, or leave annoying messages twice a day like I usually do. I think mom said you've got a lot of bridal planning coming up, so good luck with that. Vernon's a lucky man, Tuney. Oh, I'm running out of time on this message. I leave for the airport at 8:30, if you want to-" The phone cut out. She meant to say "If you want to call me". She didn't bother calling back, filling Petunia's message box was just another thing for her to complain about. 

She finished packing her suitcase, sitting on it to keep it closed. 

"Mom." She said, walking into her mother's bedroom, dangling her car key. 

"Gosh, Lil. What time is it?" Carol Evans asked her daughter, hiding from the sudden light coming in from her open door under the covers, her blond hair sticking out. 

"8. We have to pick up Mary." Lily told her, sitting at the edge of the bed. 

"I'll get up. Don't want you to miss the plane." Carol joked, kicking the covers back, walking into the hallway and closing the bathroom door. 

At 7:05, Mary MacDonald double checked her suitcase. Her mother, Rachel, had bought her a whole new wardrobe for nationals, the same way she did whenever they went on vacation. Mary folded up her soccer uniform neatly. Something that was truly hers. She was wearing the only item her mother had perchased that she actually liked: a purple cropped shirt, three hearts across the breast.

She heard the doorbell go a few minutes later, after routing around in her mother's medicine cabinet, looking out of her bedroom window to see Lily and her mother Carol parked at the end of the driveway. Mary headed downstairs, dragging her suitcase behind her. Her mom was in the kitchen, making something healthy. She was always on a health kick, some diet or another. When Mary walked into their huge wooden kitchen, she held her close and kissed the top of her head. 

"My baby, all grown up." She said, not letting go. 

"Lily's outside, I gotta run." Mary said, slipping out of her arms. 

Rachel hesitated, pursing her lips. "Okay. Oh goodness, darling, please have a nice time. Love you." 

"Love you too, mom." Mary said, walking out of the kitchen and down the hallway to the front door. She looked back one last time. Her mom was always renovating, for all she knew it would never look this way again, with the wooden furniture and big bronze chandelier. "Bye!" And she was out the door, getting into Lily's car. 

At 7:10, Dorcas Meadowes got out of bed, after being awake for several minutes reading. She checked the list on the back of her bedroom door and threw the last few things she needed into her duffle bag. She showered, brushed her teeth and headed downstairs to eat breakfast with her mother, father and grandmother. They all ate together, in a comfortable silent, her father occasionally looking up from his newspaper to read out a headline. 

Dorcas left the house at ten minutes to eight, in her own car, stopping at the local mini-market to get her own newspaper for the flight. Ten minutes later, she pulled into the school parkinglot, joining several of her teammates. 

At 7:27, Pandora Adams slapped her mother out of her drunken slumber. It was the only option, at that point, after shouting for five minutes to no avail. It was her dad's idea, anyways, so there was nothing to be guilty about. Even though she did, because her mom was curled up like a featherless baby bird, and she'd always tried to be open minded about her addiction. She jangled the car keys in front of her mom, earning a tired sigh. God, she was finally awake. Her mom sat up, soundlessly nodding, wretching open the trailer door and going to sit in her car without another word. Pandora heard the engine ticking away slowly as she went into her parent's bedroom. 

"Hey, dad." She said. Her father was sat at the end of the bed, pulling on his shoes. "Moms gonna drop me and Marlene down. Um, you gotta check on her siblings while we're away. Love you." She leant down and hugged him quickly, waving as she joined her mom in the car.

At 7:30, Marlene McKinnon was long awake. In fact, she'd barely slept. Ricky had thrown up at 2:00 am, and she'd been up half the night taking care of him. She made three lunch baggies, packing sandwiches and chips into brown paper bags, the same way she did every morning. Diane was still asleep, snoring away in front of the still-on television. 

She was already packed, the most organised she'd been for herself in a long while, because whilst she was up with Ricky she'd had nothing better to do.

She was supposed to be meeting Pandora by the gates to the trailer park, and her mom would drive them to the school. If Mrs Adams could be bothered to wake up, that is. 

Marlene stood by the door, watching as her three siblings looked on from their bedroom. Marlene and Georgia had began sharing after Danny had... well, and Ricky and Bella occupied what used to be their parent's room. Diane never left that chair, Marlene was sure that in the two and a half years since they had moved the bedrooms around her mother had never once tried to sleep in an actual bed.

Georgia came over first, wrapping her arms around her older sister's torso, still not tall enough to reach her shoulders. They weren't a particularly tall family. Ricky and Bella ran out simaultaneously, in sync like they alwasy were, grabbing Marlene's hands, begging her to stay. She laughed them off. 

"It's just a week, kiddo." She said, ruffling Ricky's hair, tapping Bella's nose. "I gotta run." She walked out of the front door, pausing on the last step and calling out "I love you!" 

At 7:45, Sybill Trelawney ate her breakfast alone, playing with the eggs with her fork. She hated her huge house, the lack of love within these four walls suffocating. Sometimes she fet as though her house was flooding, water overtaking her senses while she writhed and screamed, to no avail. 

"Your meds, Syb." One of the housemaids came over, propping a small orange bottle of pills in front of her. Sybill nodded greatfully, taking a Loxapine and drinking water to swallow it. She held her head in her hands for a few moments, wondering whether she went looking for her mother. 

She decided against it, getting up and abandoning her breakfast. Her bags were already packed by the front door, a matching set in purple plaid, a suitcase and a duffle bag. The duffle bag was full of her soccer equipment; she'd always seperated them whenever they went to an overnight away game, it gave her a sense of organisation. Control. 

Sybill leant over at the last minute, grabbing the pill bottle from the table, however much she didn't want to. The pills made her feel like a shell, they stopped that sense of freedom that she felt deeply in her bones. 12 left, five more than she needed. "Bye mom, bye dad!" She called, wherever they may be, picking up her bags and slipping out of the door, rushing away before any housemaid could offer to help her. 

A driver was waiting outside, a gray haired man who smoked out of the window. He smiled when his eyes settled on Sybill, clicking a button that opened the trunk. She went around the back of the car and placed the bags down then climbed into the backseat. "Morning, Ryan." She said brightly.

"Mornin' right back at ya." He replied, dropping his cigarette onto the stoney, circular driveway. He pulled out, onto the main road. The Trelawney's lived on the wealthy side of Wiskayok, wealth that blossomed from her father's company when she was six. Before they had all this money, they had lived downtown, in the house opposite Lily Evans' father, though he hadn't lived there then. Sybill much prefered that life, the life she barely remembered, with TV dinners and Thanksgivings when their whole extended family would cram into their tiny dining room. 

By the time Ryan pulled up to the street around the back of school (Sybill hated the other's seeing her wealth, hated standing out, which would be hard given the private plane her father payed for that the girls would soon by using - but she figured they'd be too starstruck to point anything out) most of the others were there. A few members of the team would be meeting them at the airport. Ted stood near the mini-bus they were taking to the airport, a clipboard in hand as he read off names. Sybill quickly tucked her luggage away in the underneath compartment, with everyone else's.

"Pandora Adams." Ted read off, nodding when Pandora raised her hand. 

"Andromeda Black." Ted smiled affectionately at a dark haired woman stood to his left. She was clearly his girlfriend. 

"Amelia Bones." 

"Charity Burbage." 

"Lily Evans." When no one raised their hand, Ted looked up. 

"She's meeting us at the airport with Mary." Dorcas said, not taking her eyes off Pandora. Ted nodded, marking Lily and Mary's absence on his clipboard.

"Alice Fortescue." 

"Hestia Jones." 

"Mary MacDonald." 

"Dorcas Meadowes."

"Minerva McGonagall."

"Marlene McKinnon."

"Evan Rosier." Evan appeared from seemingly nowhere, his face blank as several of the girls turned towards him.

"Felix Rosier." Evan's thirteen year old brother beamed. It was probably his first time on a plane, everyone knew the Rosier's were nowhere near as wealthy as they used to be. 

"Phillip Rosier." The boys father, Coach Rosier, stood behind his youngest son. 

"Lucinda Talkalot." 

"Ted Tonks." He nodded to himself.

"Sybill Trelawney." 

"Emmeline Vance." 

"And finally, Emma Vanity." Ted put his clipboard down, clapping to gather everyone's attention. "Okay, on the bus. We'll be at the airport pretty soon, for our 9:30 flight, curtosy of Mr Trelawney." Several people clapped in Sybill's direction. "Any calls that need to be made will have to be at the airport, we're running pretty late as is." 

"Coach?" Pandora asked, thrusting her arm into the air, a small black device clutched in her hand. "Can we get a photo?" 

Ted nodded vigarously, like he was glad to finally see some excitement amongst the group of tired girls. "Great idea, Adams. You wanna take it?" 

Pandora looked uneasy at that. "I'll do it." Andromeda said, speaking for the first time, catching the girls attention with her dark spikey hair, big earrings and long skirt. "I'm not a part of this, so it's not like I need to be in the photo." 

Everyone arranged themselves, using the side of the mini-bus with a banner displaying the words 'WHS Yellowjackets - Nationals 1996' as a background. Coach Rosier stood to the back left, his arm around Felix, Evan standing awkwardly to his side. Dorcas and Pandora stood in the middle, bumping shoulders and grinning, next to Sybill, who knelt down so the banner was still visible. Emma and Marlene stood with their arms around each other, holding their lit cigarettes behind their backs and laughing. Amelia stood to the side, almost hidden behind Evan (which she wanted to say something about but didn't) both of her thumbs up in a cheerful motion. Ted pointed towards his hoodie, the team logo across his chest, laughing to himself, looking at Andromeda with pure love in his brown eyes. Emmeline had her hands clasped together in front of her politely, next to Amelia. Minerva had the faintist smile pulling at her thin lips, as she tried to not be in the picture by skirting near the edge of their small group of people. Alice and Lucinda were talking when the flash went off, freezing them in their secret conversation forever. Charity had her cross necklace between her fingers, her curls gleaming in the morning sun. Hestia grinned, showing off her pearly white teeth, next to Charity. Dolores perched on the floor, to Sybill's right. Andromeda clicked down for a second time, everyone more prepared now, seventeen smiles, seventeen sets of white teeth, seventeen pairs of bright eyes. She snapped one more, then held the camera out for Pandora to collect. 

Ted was the first to move. "Okay, now we really are running late." He said, ordering everyone to get on the bus. He and Andromeda climbed in last, sitting at the front, talking in low tones. 

"So," Pandora said, slouching into the seat beside Dorcas. "Remember that thing I was telling you about?" 

Dorcas wondered for a moment, Pandora spoke a lot. She shook her head. "Is it a movie? I still haven't gotten around to that pile of tapes you gave me."

"Nope. I told you me and Marlene's sisters were gonna go pixie hunting in the woods, like, two weeks ago." Pandora pulled the camera out of her pocket, fiddling with it. She was mad about that kind of thing, beasts and mysteries and creatures that definitely didn't exist. Still, if there was one thing Dorcas could listen to all day - it was Pandora talk about the things she loved. And Mazzy Star, but that wasn't as sentimental sounding. Although it had been Panda who gave her her first Mazzy Star tape, so maybe that counted. 

"Look, Cas." Pandora pointed to a photo displayed on a screen on her camera, a small ball of light in the otherwise dark woodland. It illuminated the surrounding trees, making the browns and the greens more prominent against the blanket of night. 

"Woah." Dorcas didn't know what the light source actually was, but this was the closest findings Panda had ever shown her. "That's actually really cool. I didn't know pixies lit up?"

"Neither did I! But I was speaking to my dad, and he said this kinda stuff is mentioned all the time in this encyclopedia he had. We couldn't find it, but he said pixies light up when their scared. Isn't that cool?" Pandora rambled. Sybill was alone in the seat in front of them, and turned around once light in connection to fear was mentioned. The two of them spoke together for easily twenty minutes. Dorcas observed with her headphones on, a warmth in her chest when she looked at Pandora. 

***

"Holy shit, Syb." Mary said upon entering the private plane, looking around. It was quite standard looking, plush seats and pillows laid out. Mary suddenly realised what she said, looking back to wherever Charity may be. "Sorry, Char! For blaspheming!" She called. Lily laughed at her. 

"Don't be an asshole." Lily laughed, linking Mary's arm down the airplane aisle. They put their luggage in the overhead cabinet, Mary sitting down beside the window. Lily followed her, after pulling a book from her suitcase. She was in desperate need of a distraction for their six hour flight.

"You're reading The Bell Jar? Jesus, Evans." Mary said, peering over her best friend's shoulder. 

"Woah, Sybill!" Pandora said, marvelling at the compact space they would be spending the next few hours in. "This is sick." 

Dorcas, Lucinda, Ted, Andromeda and Amelia climbed on, looking around then sitting down. Sybill came in behind them. 

"Yeah, well, buying me things is practically my dad's only form of parenting." Sybill said, as if she was joking. Pandora's face was covered in pity. 

"Well, thank you Mr Trelawney." Pandora said, in a chanting voice. The other's chorussed her, their voices bouncing around the plane. 

The others got on, sitting down, all talking in excited voices. Hestia was pretty unfamiliar with her teammates. She'd been on bench at every game they'd ever played, until Doris broke her leg. She slipped into one of the only empty seats, beside Emmeline. 

"Oh, hey, Bench." Emmeline said, leaning down to pull something out of the backpack at her feet. "You excited?" She asked, pulling out a jumbo pack of Red Vines and giving Hestia one. 

Hestia nodded, nibbling at the end of her Red Vine. "Do you- um, have many friends on the team? I don't have anyone to room with." All of the girls would be sleeping in their own arrangements in double rooms - two double beds between four girls. The other's were excited for their week-long sleepover, but it bought out Hestia's anxiety, something which rarely made an appearence. 

"I'll room with you! Beats sharing with Bones, you know what I mean?" Emmeline said, chewing on her own candy. "You, me and Emma? Is that alright?" 

Emmeline had been in that group of friends Amelia lost freshman year. Three years later, hardly anyone knew all the ins and outs. Amelia, Emmeline, Emma and two boys on the baseball team had been an unbreakable unit, until March of that year, when Emma had tried to beat the shit out of Amelia in the hallway. They rarely spoke about it, since that day, but it carried a prescense over the team. 

They steadied into a conversation, getting to know each other, talking about movies and music. By the time they were flying out of New Jersey, Hestia practically knew Emmeline's life story. 

"Lil? You alright?" Mary asked, an hour into their flight. Lily was shaking like a leaf, the book held between her fingers barely standing upright. Mary fiddled around in her jacket pocket, pulling out a small bottle of pills. Lily's eyes widened. 

"What's that?" She asked, closing the book and tucking it into the magazine rack in front of her seat. 

"Valium. I took it from my mom's medicine cabinet," she noticed the expression on Lily's face and clarified, "she has so many pills she'll barely notice. These'll knock you out till we're in Washington, Evans." 

Lily held out her hand and Mary tipped a pill into her palm. She took one for herself as well, pausing before taking it. "Here," Mary said, unclipping her necklace and holding it in front of Lily's chest, pulling her hair out of the way and fastening it. "A little good luck charm." 

Lily nodded, taking the pill and laying back, trying to relax, holding the little gold heart on the end of the necklace. Her leg continued to shake, so Mary took her hand. 

They looked out of the window together, floating on a cloud, higher in the air than they could ever get on a plane. The pilot announced something, several hours in, but it was lost against the rush in Lily's ears, the blood flowing around her body it's own song. She was practically asleep when something shook her awake, a hand on her face, something lighter than a hand, followed by a handful of raised voices.

"....Vans! Ev....ns! L....y!" She was sure it was Mary saying it, which couldn't be right, because she should be just as out of it as Lily was. Something touched her face again, harsh, brutal, cold. She opened her eyes slowly, the lids sticking to her eyeballs, an absent minded tear slipping down her cheek for lack of focus. How did valium even work? Maybe she'd muttered something about James while she was out of it, and Mary was beating her up for it. Maybe that's why everyone was shouting, not just a handful, a million and one voices overlapping. 

"LILY FUCKING EVANS." Mary shouted, slapping Lily several times, willing her to wake up. Her eyes opened slowly, taking in her surroundings, the girls falling out of their chairs, holding onto each other desperately, sobbing, screaming, sitting with their hands over their ears. Someone punched the ceiling, willing their oxygen mask to fall from it's resting place in the plane roof. 

"Wha-" Lily began, watching as everyone sobbed, crying out for their parents, Ted holding a broken Andromeda close to his chest, his face covered in tears. Lily leant over, opening the window hatch. The trees beneath them were far too close, the wing of the plane was- Oh my God. The wing was gone. 

"Mary!" Lily cried, reaching out and clinging onto her best friend. She clung back, just as hard, holding each other as a lifeline. Lily was aware of the plastic mask on her face, how it was keeping her lungs from bursting out of her chest, how her breath fogged in front of her. 

She also noticed the way the air was whistling around them, undearneath all the screaming and crying, underneath Sybill and Chairty clutching hands and praying. The plane was whistling through the air, snatching the blood rush from her ears. Her blood ran cold, her head pounding. 

It had to be minutes later, all the screaming and crying continuing, the door flying open at some point, the flight attendent's lifeless body slipping out, along with a blur of yellow, when the shaking stopped. It ended with a loud thump, Ted flying out of the door, Andromeda trying to stand and go after him, screaming her lungs out when she couldn't undo her seat belt. 

Every single girl who was still on the plane sat back for a moment, in complete and utter silence. No screaming or crying, no rustling or movement. 

They had crashed. 

Their plane was on the floor of some forrest.

Lily was trying to gather her thoughts, in this precious moment of silence, when Lucinda started screaming again, her voice recognisable in the lack of noise. 

"Fire!" She screamed, pointing towards the burning enferno at the back of the plane, wrestling with her seatbelt. "FIRE." 

Chapter Text

The phone rang out twice before Amelia dashed across the room to pick up the receiver. She was two weeks into the summer after her freshman year, dreading everyday until she became a sophomore. There weren't a lot of people who she considered close enough to warrant a phone call, especially as of recently, but she picked up nonetheless, just for someone to talk to.

"Hello?!" She said, all too eagerly. There was a snicker on the other end of the line and acid filled her stomach, sloshing around as her uncertainty grew. 

"Is this, like, Amelia Bones?" A girl said. Tammy Kaling, the meanest girl in the nineth grade. Her hair was bright artificle blond, cut into a bob around her shoulders, and she was always smacking gum too loudly and gossiping as noisily as possible. Amelia had always hated her, ever since they were kids. 

"Ask her the thing." Someone else giggled, their voice painfully recognisable. Amanda Fowlerman had been Amelia's best friend all throughout Elementary school, but now she spent her Friday nights on Tammy's bedroom floor, calling anyone she thought was even the slightest bit annoying. Her hair was long and dark, the same way Amelia's had been before she bleached and dyed it strawberry pink. She had a sharp tongue and a mean sneer always tugging at her mouth. 

"Ok, ok!" Tammy said, chewing her gum. "Luci T said she saw you and Emma V kissing behind the gym!" The acid attempted to jump out of her stomach, as the worlds sunk in. No no no... "Buuuut, Amanda said she heard from Tommy Lindman who overheard Jordan B telling Sirius Black that you and Jordan did anal in the janitor's closet!" 

The other end of the phone was nothing but giggles now, her two classmates in bits over their rumours. 

"N-neither of those things are true." Amelia said finally, pushing the words out of her dry throat. Liar, liar, liar. "I've never even been in the janitor's closet."

"What about a different kind of closet, lesbo?" Amanda said, taking the phone from her friend, laughing at her own joke. "So, what is it? Lesbo or anal slut?" 

Amelia didn't speak, she didn't think she could, even if she wanted to. Her throat felt as though it was closing. 

"If you don't tell us, we'll just tell everyone it's both. You must be, like, a total slut for two sex rumours to be about you at the same time."

Something dumb came to mind, something stupid and rehearsed she'd read in a book years ago. Still, rehearsed words seemed easier than trying to make up a comeback, so she licked her lips and began to speak. "Opinion is the Wilderness between knowledge and ignorance." 

There was no sound for a few beats, before Tammy started cackling. "Oh my fucking God. You're, like, such a fucking weirdo, Lesbo." 

"Bye, Anal Slut!" Amanda called, giggling wickedly before putting the phone down with a harsh click. 

***

When the plane was going down, there was one thought playing on repeat in Amelia's head: I'm going to die a liar. 

And by some force of nature, by some strike of luck, she didn't. The plane landed with a final thump, the door shutting once again, plunging the girls into an odd darkness, the light still in the sky, everything appearing more brown and beige than it should in a situation this stressful. 

Another thought crossed her mind: there should be more blood. She wasn't thinking it in a malicious way, she was just being truthful. In all the movies and the news stories about plane crashes, someone dies on impact. 

She couldn't develop that thought much before a voice rang out from the back of the plane, so rich with terror it made Amelia's skin crawl. 

"Fire!" It was Lucinda Talkalot, wrestling with her seatbelt, kicking her white-sneakered feet around wildly. "FIRE!" 

Amelia was the first to jump to action, her seat closest to the front. She was small enough to move dynamically, stretching out the seat belt and slithering out of her seat. A few oher's followed suit, Dorcas Meadowes and Charity Burbage moving to try the door. The fire climbed towards the girls, dancing as it engulfed the bathroom cubicle. She ran forward without thinking, bending around Lucinda to undo the seatbelt, tug it over her head, and help her up. When she looked back at Amelia, her eyes were full of gratitude. She clutched her sweater in her folded arms, moving to help the others shove the door open. 

"It won't fucking move!" Dorcas cried, her shoulder repeatedly bashing against the door. She looked toward the dark haired woman who had accompanied Ted. "Andromeda, right?" The woman nodded. "Help us out!"

Andromeda nodded, greatful for something to do other than panic, moving towards the others, kicking the door, covering her mouth. 

Amelia suddenly became aware of the smoke engulfing them. And the sixty-five year old woman coughing her lungs out just a few feet away from her. "Fuck!" She announced, making the others turn towards her. "McGonagall!" 

Oh God, and Felix. There were too many people on this damn plane. Amelia dragged McGonagall to her feet as she passed her, pushing her towards the others. She slumped down on the floor, a limp hand attempting to cover her gaping mouth. 

Marlene and Sybill got up, dragging Evan with them, the three of them helping the other's push up against the door. Several of the JV girls followed, pushing and shoving, for once united in their goal. Felix was sat in the same seat, rocking back and fourth, his hands over his ears. 

"IT WON'T FUCKING MOVE." Dorcas repeated, pummeling her fists against the dented metal, kicking wildly, using all her strength. It wouldn't budge. 

"It's really fucking hot in here." Emmeline said, on the verge of tears, to no one in particular. There was no one in charge, no one to turn to when they needed help. Not right now, at least. Evan reached out, pulling his little brother towards him. 

Amelia raced towards them, flying at the door with full force. It let out an odd creak, the hinges shifting slightly. The girls all looked at each other, some kind of hope striking up. "Keep pushing!" Amelia screamed, forcing all her weight against the metal repeatedly. 

It creaked again, finally giving in. 

The outside world welcomed itself into the plane, the air thick the same way it is just after it's rained. Everyone tumbled outwards, grateful for the ground beneath them. Andromeda helped McGonagall out, a hand across her shoulders, as Dorcas did a headcount. 

"No," she muttered, her eyes widening. "No, no, no. W-where's Panda? Lily? Mary?" She looked around in terror, Sybil stopping her from running back into the plane-

"I'm stuck, Mare!" Lily called, still wrestling with her seatbelt, the metal and fabric twisted to an unbearable degree, squeezing her stomach. The metal fastenings were beginning to warm, scolding her fingers. 

Mary was on top of her, trying to unravel it, the same way she had been for a few minutes. Her thin fingers worked nimbly, her pink tongue sticking out in concentration. When the contraption finally untwisted, they were far too close to death for Lily's liking. They began running out of the plane when Lily noticed someone, near the back of the plane, screaming beneath the noise outside and the rush of blood flowing through her ears. 

Out of the corner of her eye, Lily saw an arm flailing near the back of the plane, the flames licking the back of the seat. 

Pandora. 

Lily shook Mary's hand from her shoulder, running over as fast as she could, despite the smoke enveloping her lungs.

"Panda!" Lily said, seeing the fear in her friends eyes as they wrestled with her seatbelt together. "I'm here, okay. It's gonna be alright, P." 

"I don't wanna die." Pandora whispered, leaning back awkwardly in her seat, her eyes glued onto the fire. She couldn't breath, all the oxygen stuck in her chest. Lily reached out, stroked her hair. It didn't ease her anxiety, but Pandora held onto her wrist nonetheless, clutching it to her head. 

"Lily! Jesus fucking Christ!" Mary cried, grabbing Lily's arm. Pandora's eyes became empty as she watched Lily drop her hand, writhing to get out of Mary's grip. 

"Mare, get off! I need to help her." Lily screamed.

"Save yourself, Lil. We're going to fucking die in here, if you don't hurry up. Please!" 

Mary didn't give her much of a choice, grabbing Lily's shoulders and pushing her out of the way, dragging her outside, ignoring the pain in her ankle. They stumbled into the unknown, the forrest full of teammates and broken suitcases and chaos. Lily tried to get out of Mary's grip, desperate to get back in the plane, to save someone. Mary didn't budge. 

"Get out the way! Mare, she's our friend." Lily cried, wriggling to get out of her best friends arms.

"I had to save you, Lil, you were gonna die if-" 

She was cut off by an explosion at the back of the plane, the sound echoing around the woods, bouncing off the trees. 

Amelia was speeding around, Dorcas in tow, giving out the best medical advice that she could. She ripped a T-shirt in half and bandaged Lucinda's upper arm, helped Dolores with her twisted ankle, told Emmeline to put pressure on her bleeding arm. Dorcas was shouting wildly, asking anyone she could if they'd seen Pandora. 

"I'm sure she's alright." Amelia said as she bandaged Evan's arm, much to his dismay. "Stop acting so tough. You're injured." She said to him, glaring. 

Dorcas took over wrapping up his arm so Amelia could wipe the blood off of Alice's forehead and check there was no open wound. "She can't have gotten far." Dorcas pulled the fabric so tightly that Evan winced. 

"Jeez, Cas, you're trying to stop the bleeding, not cut off circulation." Amelia took over again, sending Alice off, knotting the fabric three times. "Better?" She asked him.

Evan grunted and shrugged, sitting down with his back against a tree. 

"I'm going looking for her-" Dorcas started. She was promptly cut off by a scream, so gutteral that Amelia jerked her head upwards. They heard it again, the scream loosely rescembling a 'Help!'. 

Amelia ran off towards the sound, Andromeda following her. "Ted!" She screamed, her feet thundering across the forest. 

"Over here!" Someone shouted: Charity. They followed her voice into a clearing, a few girls following behind. When Andromeda saw him, she ran forward and dropped to her knees. 

Ted was lying beneath a chunk of the plane's missing wing, his head just visible underneath the bruised metal that covered his body, his pale face darkened by dirt and blood. He was so awfully pale, so ill looking, tears sprung to Andromeda's eyes, the thought of losing someone else - someone she loved so much, out in a place like this - made her sick to her stomach. 

Charity knelt beside him, his head in her lap, her dress streaked with dirt. The cross necklace she always wore was missing. 

"I think he's alright." Charity said, changing her mind once she saw Andromeda's face. "I mean, he's not on Death's doorstep. We can help him. God can help him." 

Marlene nodded, bringing the others attention towards her, stood beside Ameila. "There's enough of us to move the wing." 

"You heard her." Dorcas barked, sneaking a glance at Marlene. The other's got into position, filthy hands tucked under the metal wing. It was far heavier than they thought it would be, even with the weight balanced out between twelve people. They had barely moved it a foot to the right when they caught sight of his leg, crumbled to a pulp, swollen and bruised and broken and hanging off at an awkward angle. Emmeline let out a sharp gasp, dropping her section of the wing from her hands, turning around and vomitting. The rest of them eased the wing down next to him, Hestia going to rub Emmeline's back, Andromeda breaking into uneven sobs when she saw the pain on Ted's face. 

"Oh my God." Marlene breathed softly as Ameila brushed past her. 

Ted fainted suddenly, his head lolling back into Andromeda's lap, her hands already on either side of his face. 

"She's probably fucking dead- you know that, right?" Lily fumed at Mary, repeatedly brushing her hands from her shoulders.

"I'm sorry, okay, Lil! I'm so fucking sorry, I just didn't know what to do. I had to choose between the two of you!"

"Or, and call me crazy," Lily rolled her eyes, limping over to where the other's were gathered. "You could have let me do what I was doing and all three of us would be alive. I mean, Jesus, Mare, think of someone other than yourself for once." 

"I was thinking about you! You, Lily, and I swear to God-" Mary said, gesturing wildly, all of her eye makeup leaked onto her cheeks. They both stopped short upon seeing Coach Tonks, his leg mangled, his body limp. Mary accidentally stepped in Emmeline's puddle of vomit. 

"Holy fuck. Is he dead?!" Mary blurted out. Andromeda glared daggers at her, her dirty face tear-tracked. 

They couldn't walk closer before someone stepped out in front of them, a bounce of blond hair, her face lined with harsh black marks, soot-like. 

Pandora. 

Lily breathed a sigh of relief, her chest growing lighter, before she saw the anger in her eyes; it was directed at Mary. Pandora opened her mouth, her finger up in a point as she got closer to Mary, before Dorcas jumped on her back, her long-nailed fingers clinging onto her shoulders, her waist, trying to hold all of her at once, make it seem real. 

"You're here." Dorcas whispered into her ear, her voice breath-light, as she pulled Pandora into a hug. 

Pandora held on just as tight, her arms scarred with ugly, grey stains, like the smoke was clinging to her skin. 

Ameila pushed past their embrace, dragging something along with her, it's cold metal handle refreshing in her warm palm. 

She heard snippets of several of conversations, everyone gathered around Ted, worry weighing heavy in the air. 

"What do we do if he's dead, like, do we bury him-"

"Fucking hell, are we stuck out here?"

"Have you seen Evan? Doesn't he look kinda, I don't know, hot and dishevelled?"

"Who cares about him? Has anyone seen Felix, I'm getting kinda worried-" 

And finally, before they all stilled into a shocked silence, "What the fuck is she holding?" 

Amelia swung the flight axe into the air, heavy in her hands, swinging the head down on Ted's crumpled leg. He was still out cold, barely moving with as the bit collided with the bone just above his knee. Andromeda stood up in horror, Ted's head falling from her lap and landing on the floor with a dull thud. 

"You fucking psycho! You-you just cut his fucking leg off, you'll kill him out here! Do you know nothing about infection or disease or-or... do you have no fucking idea how stupid that was?!" She screamed, her hands matting her brown hair into a mound on top of her head. 

Ted's leg was in two pieces, a mess of flesh, bone and blood at the point she'd swung the axe. Amelia's face was covered in his blood, a splatter covering most of her pale skin. She pushed past Andromeda, pulling the black belt she wore out of the loop-holes on her jeans. She pulled it around the stub of his leg, tightening and fastening, wiping blood from her face with the back of her hand. "This'll slow the bleeding. I know it doesn't sound like much, but I did the Red Cross babysitting course two summers in a row. I know what I'm doing." 

"We need to move him. Three people." Amelia said, pointing at Dorcas, Hestia and Marlene. They lifted him with difficulty, Emma rushing over to help. The other's followed, dragging suicases and luggage bags, the four girls setting Coach down against the floor, a pile of sweaters used to prop up his head, his eyes fluttering so faintly that nobody noticed. 

"It needs disinfecting." Amelia announced, kneeling down to peek at the surface of the wound, the skin red and angry. 

"Like alcohol?" Alice asked with a pointed glance at Marlene. The others copied her, until the majority of the girls were starring at Marlene. Andromeda kept her eyes glued on Ted. 

"Do you have any, Marlene?" Amelia asked. There was no judgement in her eyes. 

"I mean- yeah, obviously." Marlene said, looking down as her cheeks colored. She didn't want to look like some dumb addict, not now. 

"Would this work, 'Meils?" Pandora asked, holding up a bottle of nail polish remover, crouched in front of Mary's bag. 

"Hey, that's-" Mary began, stopping when she saw the look on Pandora's face. She was far from forgiven. She nodded slowly, avoiding Panda's eyes. "Yeah, great idea, P." 

Pandora handed the bottle to Amelia, slouching back against a tree trunk. A section of her hair was burnt off, the blond braids turned black at the end, burn marks running from the base of her neck, branching off like tree brances behind her ear and across her cheek.

Andromeda crouched beside Ted, taking his hand in hers as Amelia unscrewed he bottle lid. She poured the liquid on the wound. Ted jerked up, suddenly alert, his scream blood curdling, sending birds soaring into the sky. 

"Hey, hey." Andromeda tried to soothe, smoothing his hair across the sweat gleaming on his forehead. "It's your le-"

"It's nothing to be worried about." Amelia interrupted, re-capping the bottle. "Just a few scratches." 

"Did you know she was like this?" Emmeline muttered under her breath, nudging Emma's hand. 

"Bones? Like what?" Emma responded, folding her arms. Sure, Amelia was brave, but she was still a back-stabbing bitch.

"She's brave, Em. Like, she's sorting all of us out, and we don't even like her. She helped me with my arm earlier." Emmeline pulled up the stained fabric, revealing a slither of a cut that ran from her wrist to her elbow, the result of body-slamming into a twisted piece of metal after she'd collapsed out of the plane door. 

"Shit, Lin, why didn't you tell me you'd done that." Emma fumed, inspecting her arm before pushing the fabric back over the wound gingerly. "I did that same fucking first-aid course." 

"Yeah, but I don't see you amputating legs." Emmeline muttered, earning a gentle slap on the hip from her best friend. 

Amelia could hear them, every word, every good thing Emmeline was saying about her. She tried not to smile, especially when she was so focused on Ted's leg, but a small grin pulled at her lips, just for a second.