Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Annie Cresta was born in salt and sadness. Never one without the other, a dip of sunlight on warm summer day in the sea, then the waves would roll in and she’d find herself crying on the way home.  ‘’Too soft’’ her mother would say, ‘’you’ve got to grow thicker skin in this world or you’ll never survive it’’. But Annie never did take her mother’s advice, and she didn’t survive the world President Snow created.

The girl who used to pretend to be a starfish and argue with her older sister about the names of the creatures in the sea died in the arena. The Gamemakers drowned her just like all the other tributes but unlike them her corpse was pulled out from the water and they demanded she breathe. The Capitol cleaned and polished, healed and mended every scar and blemish until she was bright and shiny, new again and perfectly made in their image.

But they could not repair her mind. They tried to stitch it back together with baths and needles, with Peacekeepers and potions and light therapy. But the girl who danced in the sand and had her first kiss at fifteen was never coming back, no matter how many dresses they put her in or how many doctors screamed in her face.

Annie’s mind became her solace, the secret garden only she had the key to walk inside, a place to go much kinder than this. Where her family still lived and smiled, where there were no Hunger Games or President Snow, a place where she doesn’t pace the hallways at night and wake her lover up screaming. It never rains in her mind, the sun is always shining, her sister is laughing, everything is so perfect and tastes like sugar.

So she vanishes into the darkness of her mind where everyone is happy and loved, and the Capitol forgot about the Mad Girl from District 4 who lost her mind in the Games. Until now, now they remembered Annie Cresta because they want to hurt her. Snow wants to see her suffer but he doesn’t understand that the ice cold fear in her veins is not for herself going back in the arena, but for the one she loves most in this world.

Did you know that Finnick Odair brought her back to life? Did you know he’s the only reason she stayed after her entire family was killed? Did you know he put stars in her eyes and daffodils in her heart? Did you know she can’t live without him? Did you know that she has drifted off into her mind for days and weeks since the Quarter Quell was announced? And she can hear Finnick begging to come back to him but she can’t she can’t she can’t because one of them is going to have to watch the other die and how can she be in that type of world?

He is going to die protecting her and she will have to see it with her own eyes and how can her eyes belong to her anymore after that? How can her hands, her heart, her spine exist knowing they watched their lover die? How can Annie be Annie without her Finnick? Who will she belong to then? If Finnick wins the Games that means he will have watched her perish, and how would he move on from that? How could either if them survive the horror, the pain?

In the weeks since the Quarter Quell was announced Annie has wondered what will happen when she’s pulled from that arena. When they open her up will they see all the blinding love she has for Finnick? Will it be saturating her bones, drenching her organs? Will they see a gaping hole where her heart used to be because it has been beating in Finnick’s chest beside his own for five years now? They will dig for her soul and will be unable to find it because it will be with Finnick always, she could never leave him even if the Games make her.

She wonders where all the love she has for Finnick will go when she dies. Will it flow out of her like the tide and find it’s shore in his chest? She likes to think so, that he’d still be able to feel her even if her body is not tucked inside his own. Will he hold it against his heart like a physical wound? Will it haunt him for the rest of his days? What will he find peace in after the Capitol strips him of his body again? Who will he go home to when the train drops him off?

Who will sing with him in the shower and hold him until he falls asleep? Who will gently put their hands over his when he scrubs them too hard in the sink? Who will put extra sugar cubes in his tea and proofread his poems? Who will he become when she’s gone? Finnick has lost his entire family including Mags a couple of years ago, how can Annie leave him all alone? Will he visit her grave and scream and cry at the waste of it all?

Did you know the Capitol stole the air from her lungs once and Finnick was the one to breathe life back into her? Did you know Snow wants to kill them again because he hates that they are in love and happy? Did you know that President Snow has abused Finnick for nearly ten years and will continue to do so if he wins the Games? And there will be no one to assure Finnick he is not this wild tainted thing because she will be dead and he will be alone.

Annie comes back to herself with the feel of Finnick’s hands running up her knees. There is a deep sadness in her veins in his voice in their life together that she isn’t sure either one of them can survive it. Warm sunlight caresses her face as the beach comes into view and she realizes they are lying in their place, a little secluded corner in the rocks far enough away from the ocean. A secret solace perfect for picnics and blankets held down by books and lemonade, a spot Finnick found a few years ago where she wouldn’t be scared of the water.

They come here at least once a week to read in the sand and lie in each other’s arms to stare at the setting or rising sun, he’ll pack blankets and towels and she’ll put together their favorite snacks and pastries and Finnick kisses her under the low glow of the sky. Of course they would spend their final morning here, of course she would come back to the world right here in his arms because nothing bad ever happens in this place, Finnick wouldn’t let it.

Annie breathes in and out slowly as Finnick continues to stroke her legs, the bracelet on his wrist catching her eye. Pink and white seashells bound together on a string and tied just like her sister taught her, Annie makes these bracelets for Finnick a few times a month and he wears every one proudly. He always kisses her sweetly after she knots it against his skin like he’s thanking her for something but she’s never asked what.

She catches what he’s been whispering into her hair and it makes her cry, he’s apologizing profusely and she doesn’t understand why, none of this his fault. Not the Games or her madness or Snow’s cruelty. Annie looks up just as the sun beams across Finnick’s face and the sight makes her cry even harder, was that the last time she will ever see the way the sun frames his golden eyelashes? Will he be cold to the touch soon, this warmth nowhere to be found?

‘’I can’t watch you die Finn’’.

Her throat is strangled and hoarse, he reaches for water and puts the bottle in her hands carefully, ‘’that’s not going to happen’’.

Are the days where she can hear his voice numbered?

‘’You can’t promise me that’’.

Lying against his chest here in their spot he can’t, he can’t lie to her face and swear everything is going to be okay because it’s not, it may never be again.

‘’They are going to take you and I’’-

His eyes are so green and open, so warm and inviting as they stare into hers, it calms her down just a bit.

But how many more times will that happen? What if in two weeks she’ll never be able to look in his eyes again?

‘’No one will ever be able to take me from you Ann’’.

But it feels like they already have, the grief pressing into her ribs like it’s something physical prying her open and splattering her blood all over the sand.

His hands are fiddling with something and when she looks down he’s collected small shells and made them into a heart at her feet, another thing that belongs to them and them only.

‘’We are going to come home together’’.

She thinks he’s trying to convince himself of this, because how could he live after he’s watched her die?

‘’Snow would never let that happen’’.

They are not Katniss and Peeta, they are not that lucky because Snow would never let two victors win the Games ever again.

‘’I believe it Annie, with all my heart’’.

For the next several minutes she listens as he paints the picture of their lives after the 75^th Games, it’s filled with laughter and hope, of marriage and children that look exactly like her of course. They’ll move out of the Victor’s Village and into a cottage by the sea with pink flowers planted out front, their children will grow up in a safe and perfect world where no one ever dies. And despite the panic just for a moment Annie believes it with all her heart too.

For a moment just a moment Annie honestly considers taking his hand and walking into the sea together and never coming back out. She’d die with his kiss on her lips his breath in her lungs and wouldn’t that be the perfect way to go? In your lovers arms where nothing can hurt you, to have control over your life when you never have before. But Finnick would never do that and she hasn’t been able to face the ocean since the arena.

They walk hand in hand back to their home and Annie finds herself shaking as they step into the bedroom to shower and change. She can’t face this, she can’t stand on that stage and watch her name be drawn, she can’t go back into the arena. What if she detaches from reality completely because she can’t handle it? Will Finnick carry her in his arms the entire Games until she’s ripped away from him?

She drifts off in the shower to Finnick crying into her hair and apologizing but she isn’t sure what for. Reality comes back in a cold wave as Finnick dries her hair and she feels the soft sheets of their bed on her bare legs, when they fell asleep last night here it could’ve been for the final time. Right now could be the last time they are both standing in this room, Finnick seeing she is present kisses her gently and that could be the last time in this room too.

This morning could’ve been the last time they brushed their teeth together, the last time they made love in this bed, the last time he held her in this blanket.

Last time.

Last time.

Last time.

Last time.

Last time.

Has there ever been a more uglier phrase in existence? How can you do anything for the last time and why is there a last time at all? Why can’t she kiss Finnick for the rest of her life and why can’t he find safety in her arms for all eternity? Why is any of this happening at all? The answer comes to her as she’s zipping up an old dress of Mags and putting on a pair of low heels that pinch, because Snow is cruel and they will never be free of him.

Finnick is putting on her favorite white sweater and it makes her cry again if she ever really stopped, did he wear that to bring himself comfort when he’s on stage? He covers her shoulders with an oversized cardigan knowing she finds comfort in them and he’s kissing the back of head, lacing his fingers into her hair as she cries and cries and cries and it won’t ever matter none of this will matter in the end.

They turn off the lights in the bedroom and he’s standing at the front door kissing her longingly, desperately arms banded around her back and there’s a fear in his urgency that hasn’t been there until now. She can taste his tears on her tongue and she wishes they would’ve drowned in sea this morning like her family did five years ago, she wishes they were safe any anywhere but here.

‘’I’m scared’’.

She whispers against Finnick’s lips, her arms starting to unwind from his neck but he keeps them there, like he’s afraid to let go.

‘’Everything is going to be okay Annie’’.

But it’s not and it doesn’t make her feel any better when he follows up with, ‘’I’ll keep you safe’’.

He’s lying to himself and they both know it but she doesn’t call him out on it, instead her smile is sad and watery as she replies, ‘’you always do. I’ll keep you safe too’’.

His smile is not sad as his hands cup her face, ‘’you have been for years you know’’.

And the tears come back, her nose burns as she says, ‘’thank you for taking care of me’’.

They have not said goodbye and Annie is dreading when they will have to the night before the Games, how will she be able to let him go then?

‘’Thank you for allowing me to’’.

His thumbs wipe away her tears as he glances around their home, so much love and joy in these walls, but not enough time never enough time.

‘’We’re going to come back here and grow old together Annie, I promise’’.

She doesn’t call him out for another promise he can’t keep, she doesn’t have the strength to.

Finnick takes her hand as they leave and doesn’t let it go when they reach the Justice Building or climb the stage, she’s the one who has to pry his fingers from her own and pretend not to notice how cold his skin is or that he’s trembling. Flashes of the last time she was on this stage threaten to pull her under but the gleam of Finnick’s hair from the other side of the stage is grounding her.

There are whispers as people gather, more crowd the stage and her knees are starting to shake. She misses the heat of Finnick’s body, the feel of his hand against hers, she misses her family and the sound of her father’s laughter. They were alive the last time she was in the position but now they are not and she is going to lose everything all over again because there is no way Snow won’t kill Finnick.

Images of the trees and cold lakes, blood dripping from a sword, her friend’s head rolling toward her feet, Annie feels a cold sweat break out on her forehead and she sways, someone who is not Finnick steadies her. Worried green eyes meet her own, Annie almost vomits but watches the way Finnick’s chest moves and tries to match her breathing with his own, it helps. She doesn’t stare the bowls with one slip of paper in each, just stares and stares and stares at Finnick’s chest wishing she could shelter him from this.

When his name is announced loudly into the microphone she sobs, it breaks a silence and the Capitol façade Finnick created cracks as he sadly looks out in the crowd and waves. Annie blacks out when her own name is called and only comes to when a rough hand is pulling on her arm. She screams as a Peacekeeper begins dragging her off stage into the Justice Building, the crowd sparkling and fading in and out of view.

A second Peacekeeper grabs her other arm and suddenly Finnick is there, a glint of bronze in the darkness as he physically rips one of them away from her and punches the other square in the jaw. The violence has her shrinking back but Finnick is gathering her to his chest and it’s safe, here in his arms it’s always safe nothing can hurt her when she can feel his heart against her ear and feel his love caressing her skin.

But the world is unkind and cruel as it forces them onto the train to take them to the Capitol, Finnick’s arms never leaving her body. It’s the same one of course that carried her to the 70^th Games, the same one she returned to when it brought her home after she lost her mind. The same one she fell in love with Finnick on, the same one where the girl he met died and neither one of them will ever see her again.

It’s morbidly poetic she thinks, boarding the same train they fell in love on and now it’ll take them to their deaths. She must say it aloud because Finnick’s face crumbles as he runs both hands down her shoulders. He’s apologizing again but the sight of the food on the table has her drifting away to the house she grew up where nothing bad has happened yet. Her mother is there in the kitchen making breakfast as Annie sobs into her apron.

‘’What’s wrong little fish?’’

The nickname is old, her mother stopped calling her that around nine years old.

Gasping spiraling bleeding Annie chokes out, ‘’Finnick is going to die’’.

Her mother huffs as she stirs homemade raspberry jam, ‘’you’re this upset over a boy?’’

‘’I love him!’’

The windows rattle with the force of her shriek and her mother whips around, they look alike.

Same brown hair and shaped bones, same sharp cheekbones and sad eyes.

‘’Love in our world was always going to end badly, don’t you know that by now?’’

A scream tears out of Annie’s throat and she’s grabbing everything off the corner and throwing it on the ground, shattering glasses and mugs, cups and dried shells, it all goes crashing breaking on the salt water floor. Her hands and feet are bleeding as her mother just sighs and goes back to the stove.

‘’I can’t watch him die mama, I can’t he’s my soul, he’s the love of my life’’.

Her mother frowns in disappointment, ‘’you shouldn’t make a home out of a person Annie’’.

‘’And why not?’’

‘’Because it’ll be empty when they leave’’.

And isn’t that the worst thing she’s ever said?

Chapter Text

My love calls out to me and I cannot speak.

I cannot breathe without the fear of her death choking me.

Every night has felt like the last, every touch, every kiss, every sigh I count and store in my heart.

I run my fingers along the freckles of her face and try not to cry.

Everything is fleeting, her laugh, her smile, I may never see them again.

How have we gotten here?

Where do I go if she is not with me?

What if she is too far to reach?

I pace and stare and breathe, I come up empty.

Is love enough to save her like she has saved me?

I ask the stars, they do not answer.

She is light, she is love and everything good in the world.

She holds my soul in her palms, where will it go if I leave?

How can my heart stop beating if hers is still in tune with it?

Will death set fire to our love, our home?  

How can anything exist at all if we are apart?

I pace and stare and breathe, I come up empty.

A slip of paper, a storm, the ocean waves crashing against the shore, pink flowers growing beside their home, a phone call in the middle of the night, a plan sealed in death if it all goes wrong, a secret he can never share. Finnick Odair has perfected the art of sharing secrets, a whisper in a dark room, a truth sighed against his ear, a passionate confession in silk sheets. Sometimes it’s eagerly, sometimes there’s a slight pull, sometimes they tell him more than one.

Sometimes Finnick feels like standing in front of a camera and spilling every dirty poisonous thing he’s ever heard, he wants to scream at the lens what has been done to him, to other victors in the past. At night when he can’t sleep he thinks of running down the streets of District Four and confessing it all, the lies, the murders, every awful thing Snow has done in the name of keeping power.

But there is one secret he must keep to himself, one he must bury so deep it never has the opportunity to slip past his lips. One that is eating him up inside, one that tastes like acid every time Annie smiles at him. His beautiful Annie who never should’ve been involved in any of this, if life were fair she’d have been spared from the Games and continued to live a life ignorant of Snow’s cruelty and hatred.

Annie’s family would still be alive had it not been for the Games, maybe she would be married by now to someone else who wasn’t forced to put their mouths on people he hates. Someone who could hold her hand in public and love her loudly in front of others without a threat hanging over their heads. Annie deserves someone who wouldn’t come home to her with scratches and bruises from lovers he never wanted. Maybe they could’ve met at the market and become friends, maybe Finnick could’ve loved her from afar and none of this would be happening to her now.

Finnick has never been so terrified in his life that all the careful planning, the schemes, secret phone calls and letters in the middle of the night are not going to space out the way he wants them to and Annie will be hurt as a result. Annie who should be in District Four still and not back in hell, Annie who should’ve been spared the arena now is being forced to go back in it. Annie who he watched sob herself to sleep last night, who cannot stand to be in this reality any longer than a few minutes.

He does not know what to with his rage. He stares at a cup of hot tea and clenches his hands, unsure where to put his anger down and when to pick it back up again. It fills him as if he’s an empty vessel and he would drown in it if not for Annie. He could scoff at the irony of it all. Finnick was an angry hateful young man who was simply surviving, until Annie. She brought him life and love, a reason to keep going, and now it seems Snow wants to take that too.

Finnick planned to propose right before the Quarter Quell was announced. He and Annie had talked about marriage before, a small secret ceremony with engraved rings in their home. He hadn’t brought it up since in fear of upsetting Annie, but the rings are in his sock drawer all he had to do was get down on one knee and of course Snow has taken that from them too. But he can still picture it, their living room candle lit and Annie walking towards him in white.

Finnick has never belonged to anyone or anybody, but all he wants now is to belong to Annie as her husband. To see their children born and grow safe from a world without President Snow, and one day sixty years from now he’ll die in Annie’s arms. But Snow, like so many other things, has robbed them of this future. Finnick watches it disappear like the steam from his mug of tea, a whisper and then it’s gone.

If he doesn’t survive the 75^th Games, if Plutarch doesn’t get them out in time, how will life go on? If the rebellion fails how will Snow punish them? If Finnick dies, what happens to Annie? Who will keep her safe then? Who will coax her out of her head and whisper that this is the real world, that they love her? Who will draw a warm bath when she’s cold and can’t sleep? Who will wake her from nightmares and bandage her arms when she scratches herself?

No one will know the things he knows. That Annie can’t sleep if the blankets are covering her feet, how the sound of rain against the windows sometimes can cause a flashback, that you cannot mention or wear the color red around her, she has to have peppermint tea when reading, she loves puzzles but hates celebrating her birthday. That her brother used to come into her room and scare her in the middle of the night, that she still loves her sister just as dearly as she did six years ago.

Annie can only make raspberry preserves on a good day, that she loves making seashell bracelets, she used to wish she could be a star fish in tide pools, that she once cried in school because someone else tripped and skinned their knee. Who will know her soul when he’s gone? Who will carry her home when it rains on the beach? Who will hold her at night? Who will protect her if he’s no longer around to shelter her with his arms?

Who will laugh with her and make sure she’s smiling? Who will hold her hand and dance with her as the sun goes down? Who will provide clarity and security when she comes back to this world, who will comfort her? Will she be all alone in their home waiting for him to walk through the door knowing he never will? He hates that image, Annie curled up in their bed unable to move, no longer finding joy, just clutching his poems in her hand.

Who will Annie become if he dies? What will happen to the love they share if he does truly die in that arena? Will it find its way back to her somehow? Will it comfort her in a grief so consuming? Will it warm her bones when he cannot? He likes to think so, that she will still have his soul when he’s gone. That it’ll rest right beside her heart safe and sound like she has kept him all these years.

But would it be enough? The echo of him, the memory of the man she once loved? Will that hold her as she falls asleep? Will that comfort her when she cries? Will it hold her face carefully and tell her what is real and what is not? A picture in a frame, a face she could forget in fifty years. What if she can’t remember the shade of his eyes or the sound of his voice?

What if

What if

What if

He has to believe that she will go on, that she will find a life after this, after the Games, the rebellion, even if he’s not here to see it. Because Finnick is betting everything on Annie being pulled out of the arena first, he just has to protect her until then. Finnick is not worried about himself, the impending doom he could face, all he cares about is the love of his life surviving the coming days and he will do anything to guarantee she does.

 But right now in the middle of the night in the Tributes Center sitting at the table, Annie asleep on the couch a few feet away, he can mourn. The life they could’ve had, the children that he hoped would be just like Annie, a world free of President Snow. Annie may never be his wife, they may never see District Four again, he may never see her face again in a week. She could be all alone one day and that is something he can never forgive himself for.

He shuts away his books of poems, puts the pen away and buries his head in his hands. 

Annie lost her entire family, they lost Mags two years ago, and now she is facing the death of the last person she loves. It’s why she has been drifting away more than usual, he does not blame her mind for trying to protect itself from another trauma, if Finnick were her and survived everything she has and continued to move forward, to find love and happiness in this life, he wouldn’t be able to do it.

Annie is so strong and he’s relying on that strength to keep pushing her, to keep going even when it feels like she can’t. Finnick doesn’t hope for himself he hopes for her, in every poem he writes, in the vows he has memorized, he knows that Annie is his strength, his reason for breathing. Without her he wouldn’t have made it this far, Finnick was a scared kid who hated everyone and everything and Annie turned him into a man capable of kindness, to seek hope in a world full of darkness and strangers who have no right to put their hands on him but do anyway.

Annie is life in this world full of death, and Finnick will do anything to keep her heart beating even if it means sacrificing his own.

Finnick has lived a life of terror for the past ten years. Terrified he’d die a scared little boy without his mother in the arena, terrified after she died and he was all alone with his grief and anger. Terrified at sixteen the first time someone kissed him and he didn’t want them to. Terrified when Mags became his family because she could be so easily used against him, and Annie with her soft smile that Snow could’ve preyed upon the second she won her Games.

Glancing over to the one that holds his heart Finnick watches the way her chest moves when she opens her eyes and immediately finds his own. Green has become his favorite color, green is home, green is safety, green is love and light and warmth. Green is hope in the darkness of the world, the beacon always calling him back to where he belongs in her arms. But here in the Capitol there is no warmth to be found, only fear and blood.

‘’Is this the real world?’’

The first time Annie ever asked him this question was after her family died, it broke his heart back then and sometimes it still does. Because unfortunately this is the real world, this is their life now, no longer back home in District Four falling asleep in their bed making cinnamon pancakes. Now she is going back to arena and he can’t save her from it, he can’t spin the wheels of fate and stop Snow from ever announcing the Quarter Quell.

Finnick lowers himself in the space beside her and touches her face carefully, gently as she searches his eyes and drinks in every detail as if she’s afraid she won’t remember. He feels himself doing the same, stroking the apple of her cheek, holding her hands in one of his. Finnick stopped seeing beauty a long time ago, no one could capture his attention with sharp cheekbones or golden eyes, everyone was filtered in a black and white lens, everyone was ugly and cruel with sharp hands and canines that bit and made him bleed.

But Annie, his beautiful Annie stopped him the second she stepped onto the train. Finnick had never seen anyone so captivating, so brave and bold and full of light. The tilt of her head when he walks into a room, the soft curve of her neck, that spot in between her shoulders he loves to run his lips across because it makes her laugh. He could survive on just her laugh, the way it curls around his heart and seeps life into his bones.

Just being near her is enough to sustain him, just breathing the same air while he reads and she solves a puzzle, it’s enough to spend the rest of days in her orbit. She’s frowning now as she runs her thumb along the line of his palm as he responds, ‘’real’’. And then she’s crying and he’s pulling her into his arms so tightly no one will ever take her from him. He wishes more than anything that he could shelter her from this, but he can’t and he’s never hated Snow more.

Running both hands down her back and whispering so softly into her hair, eventually the cries subside and she peeks out from the skin of his neck, fingers running down the seashell bracelet still on his wrist, ‘’you forgot to take it off’’. A kiss to the space between her eyebrows, ‘’it’ll be my token later’’. He doesn’t say in the arena just in case, she is aware she’s going back but he doesn’t want to remind her in this moment, usually the word is a trigger.

Annie loops her arms around his neck and says, ‘’I’ve been thinking’’.

Curious he wraps both arms around her back, kisses her nose, ‘’about?’’

‘’Us, how we’re going to act now that we’re’’-

She cuts herself off, dust filling her eyes but a quick touch of his hands and she’s back with him, ‘’Finn we have to pretend not to be in love in the Capitol’’.

He immediately understands why she’s saying this, it makes him sick to his stomach.

‘’Annie’’-

‘’It’s what Snow would want’’.

‘’I don’t give a damn what Snow wants’’.

‘’Finnick if people know about us they aren’t going to sponsor you’’.

‘’I don’t care’’.

‘’I do! What if you need water or medicine and food?’’

‘’And what about you?’’

She looks down briefly, ‘’I’m not worried about me right now’’.

‘’Well I am’’.

‘’Finnick no one is going to sponsor either one of us if they know we’re in love’’.

‘’We’ll figure it out’’.

A huff of frustration, ‘’we can just go back to how it was before with everyone thinking you’re the over achieving mentor who takes care of the Mad Girl from your district’’.

He hates that title more than he’s ever hated anything before, Annie is not mad, her mind is simply protecting itself from all the trauma it has endured.

Running a hand through her hair he replies, ‘’You are not mad, and I don’t need those sponsors, we’ll figure something else out’’.

The mentor in him comes out just like it did before her Games the first time they discussed something like this, he taps her nose and says, ‘’don’t think I didn’t notice how you’re already counting yourself out’’.

‘’More like I’m focused on keeping you alive’’.

He half smiles, ‘’what a coincidence! I’m doing the same thing with you!’’

Her smile and affectionate eye roll is worth it when he follows up with, ‘’want to be partners? I think we’d be a good team’’.

And her laugh lights up the room, this is who they are sharing smiles and jokes, not the sad terrified version Snow has created with the Games looming over them.

Finnick leans down and kisses her once, twice, brushes his nose against hers and confesses, ‘’Annie I don’t want to spend the next few weeks pretending not to love you’’.

He doesn’t say ‘I don’t want to spend the potential last few days of my life pretending not to love you’, or ‘please don’t let me die without your lips on mine one last time’.

Her eyes close, he can feel her eyelashes against his own and has the sudden urge to cry when she responds, ‘’this is the only way I can protect you Finn’’.

Knotting his hands in her soft hair as if that could keep him anchored to her always, the fear of losing her forever so heavy it feels like his chest will cave in.

‘’Oh Annie you’ve been protecting me since the day we met’’.

‘’Then let me do it one more time’’.

That breaks him, he doesn’t want Annie associated with anything for one more time, the last time, he never wants anything about her to ever end.

All he manages to choke out is, ‘’I love you so much’’.

They shower together and cry themselves to sleep, clutching each others hands and knees, just in case.

Finnick can’t stand still as he paces in front of the door Annie is behind with her old prep team, the Tribute Parade starting in a few minutes. He’s already made the rounds to his old friends that will be trying to kill him and the one he loves in a few days, he’s met Katniss Everdeen who is the perfect deadly bird Plutarch can form into whatever he wants. Annie would like her, he thinks, but Annie finds the good in almost everyone.

Perhaps he’s just jealous because Katniss and Peeta can freely marry while Finnick is chained to the Capitol and can never publicly be with Annie, perhaps he’s angry that Katniss does not love Peeta but gets to have everything Finnick can’t while he actively wants to be with someone he loves. Did Snow think of that when he forced them to marry? Does he love rubbing this in Finnick and Annie’s faces? Finnick wouldn’t put it past him.

Just when he’s about the open the door himself Annie steps out and she is gone, cold to the touch as her prep team flutters about panicking at her mental state. He nearly vomits in sorrow over what they’ve lost when he takes in her outfit. It could pass for a wedding dress, the color of sand, hugging every dip and curve of her body. Snow did this on purpose, Finnick could say he’s surprised but he is not, Annie doesn’t notice that his hands are shaking as he helps her into the chariot.

As soon as the parade starts Annie is covering her ears and screaming but no one hears over the roar of the crowd, no one notices that his heart is breaking, no one cares that they were supposed to be married but now Snow is sending them to an impending doom. Finnick is desensitized to the vulgar things people yell to him as they pass, the greedy eyes drinking in his bare skin, all they do is take and take and take and they don’t care that he wants them all dead.

Annie comes to with a sharp gasp when the parade is over, he is quick to help her out of the chariot and stroke her bare arms. Those green eyes are wide with tears and she’s shaking so hard her teeth are rattling. When she notices the state he’s in her frown deepens, ‘’what did they do to you?’’ No one else could tell that Finnick was uncomfortable with all his skin exposed, the net tied at his waist, but of course Annie could.

The soft coral and blues of her makeup start to run as tears fall down her face, ‘’I’m going to find you a sweater’’.

He wipes the salt water off her blushed cheeks, ‘’I’m alright Annie, I’ll be better once we get inside’’.

Where they can shower this off and drink tea in bed, all he wants to do is hold her.

Out of the corner of his eye he sees Johanna Mason approach and a sigh is already prepared as she stares them down, ‘’wow they really oiled up those muscles didn’t they Odair?’’

‘’Of course they did, have to show off my best assets’’.

Johanna laughs, ‘’oh we both know those aren’t the assets everyone wants’’.

Johanna is a close friend and has surprisingly been pleasant to Annie the only other time they’ve crossed paths.

‘’Gone fully crazy yet Cresta?’’

Well he’s taking that back now.

He shoots Johanna a warning look, ‘’don’t start’’.

But Annie just touches his arm and replies, ‘’haven’t we all now that we’re back here?’’

The two women share a smirk, ‘’probably. Keep this one safe yeah?’’

They both look at him as Annie promises, ‘’I will’’.

Finnick only has eyes for her and nearly kisses her, but then remembers her wish. He must be wearing his heart on his sleeve antway because Johanna gags, ‘’first you two and now Katniss and Peeta, if I have to see lovebirds one more time I’m going to kill someone before the Games gives us permission to’’.

Carefully she touches Annie’s arm as she passes and Finnick knows Johanna will keep the promise he asked of her last month, to watch over Annie in the arena if she can and to take care of her if something happens to him.

Haymitch walks away from his tributes and sighs at the sight of Finnick and Annie, ‘’I’m sorry this is happening to you two’’.

It’s not a secret among the Victors that Annie and Finnick are together, the Capitol citizens just can’t know.

‘’If there’s anything I can do to help just let me know’’.

They share a look and Finnick hopes with his soul that Plutarch forgets about him in the arena and focus on getting Annie out first like he promised after Finnick demanded it.

He threatened to kill him if he didn’t.

So much hope in such a fragile plan, he’s putting the most precious thing to him in Plutarch and Hatymitch’s hands and he’s so scared something is going to go wrong.

Annie speaks up quietly, her voice strong and sound as she tells Haymitch, ‘’make sure Finnick gets the sponsors he needs’’.

‘’I will, you take care of yourself Annie’’.

He gives Finnick another look that they will talk later and they rush back into the Tribute Center.

There is a sadness in Finnick and Annie that saturates everything, it seeps into smiles and kisses, it ruins meals and curling up together in the dark. Annie has barely been eating no matter how hard he tries. After the shower he manages to get her to drink water and a bowl of fruit, she leans up to kiss him and her lips taste like tears and he knows his do too. She can’t be calm in the silence to rest unless she’s lying directly on top of him and he can’t sleep unless he can feel her heart beating against his own.

Tonight they both stare at the ceiling, terrified quiet breathing, shoulders shaking, nightmares hanging on the edges of their minds as soon as sleep claims them. The feel of her fingers caressing his skin in the shower as she assured him he’s more than the Capitol’s symbol to use as they please fades, in their absence a cold fear takes over his chest. Every heartbeat is numbered, how are they supposed to do this? How can they let each other go?

Pulling out his worn notebook Finnick flips to a blank page, Annie watching as he doesn’t stop holding her just writes in front of her, and nothing comes. The pen does not move, the words do not flow, there is a death silence in him that robs the poetry from his mind. After an hour he gives up and kisses the top of Annie’s head, knowing that could be numbered too.

Finnick closes the poem, sets aside the notebook and holds Annie as she cries herself to sleep.

Chapter Text

Annie’s little brother is building a sand castle. She can smell the salt of the sea, feel the sand warmed by the sun in between her toes, hear her brother’s laughter caught on the edge of the wind. It’s a perfect day, a faultless day, a safe day where no one is drowning or dying, there are no tears just cucumber sandwiches and strawberry lemonade in iced glasses. She can see the gleam of her brother’s dark hair, his fingers in the sand as they dig and dig and dig.

He looks up and smiles and for a reason she cannot explain it makes her sad, his young face laughing against the heat of the day as he runs to get more salt water. If she squints she can make out her father and sister just in the corner of the beach, they’re speaking to someone but she cannot tell who it is.

Returning from the ocean her brother clumps together more sand, his eyebrows crunched in concentration, when suddenly he stares into her eyes, expression so serious and terrified.

‘’Annie?’’

‘’Yes? What’s wrong?’’

He tosses the small plastic shovel onto the ground, ‘’do you really love Finnick Odair?’’

His name is even warm here, spreading over her shoulders in an embrace so full of love its almost suffocating, but she’d die just like this if she could, sheltered by him.

‘’With all my heart’’.

Her brother does not seem pleased by this answer, ‘’are you still going to love him when you die?’’

A shudder moves through her but she answers honestly because that is all she can do, ‘’yes of course I will’’.

‘’Will he still love you when he dies?’’

‘’Yes’’.

He picks up the plastic shovel again, ‘’well if both of you die where does your love go?’’

‘’I, well I don’t know’’.

This makes her eyes sting, it has never occurred to her where their love will go if they both die.

How tragic would it be if everything they were just went up in smoke? No one will ever care that Annie and Finnick’s souls were intertwined, no one will know that they loved each other so much it could’ve brought the world to it’s knees. Every memory, every touch, every walk on the beach, every single moment lost to time never to be seen or heard from again.

‘’I think you would find each other again’’.

She tilts her head, ‘’you do?’’

‘’That’s what soulmates do right? They always find each other’’.

Annie hopes that’s true, that in every lifetime, even after death, she would always have Finnick and he would have her. Anything else would be a hell she wants no part in.

*

Fingers peeling off blue sky polish, the clouds ripped and torn by her hands sometime during the night or early morning. Annie blinks to find herself back in the real world, nails scrapping the polish off from the tribute parade. She’s sitting at the table alone a steaming mug of tea in front of her and just before she panics a hand is pressed against the back of her neck and Finnick’s kissing her hair as he sits down beside her.

‘’Here to stay?’’ His voice is so warm and soft she wants to crawl inside of it and stay there forever, keeping him safe in her arms, sheltering them both from the world outside. Annie has no idea how long she’s been in her own head but Finnick is quick to clarify the tribute parade was last night and it’s early in the morning now. She nods and the small bit of sadness that was collecting in the corner of his eyes disappears when she smiles at him.

Doesn’t he know she always wants to stay with him? Pressed to his side never straying, never parting, she would stay with him until death and even after, nothing and no one would keep him from her. Finnick is piling breakfast food onto her plate, all her favorites and he won’t eat until she does, so she takes a bite and they both pretend not to notice her fork is shaking. The days are shorter, the end is drawing near, how are they going to handle this?

She’s taking a sip of honey sweetened tea when Finnick speaks up, ‘’today we’re going to the training center’’.

He says this in a detached tone so careful not to trigger her but everything about this entire situation sends her spiraling so what’s the point?

‘’As for the private sessions, have you thought about what you’re going to do?’’

Being back in that room where so many people she once knew are dead and she’s the only one living, how can anyone walk on those floors and not see blood?

An image of a bloody knife taken by the current of a lake passes through her mind and it almost carries her away but Finnick’s fingers running down her cheek make her stay in the present.

‘’No’’.

He doesn’t like this answer, his reaction the exact same as it was five years ago when they sat here and she confessed she couldn’t kill anyone.

‘’Everyone knows what you’re going to do, and Katniss will use a bow and arrow I’m sure’’.

‘’We’re not talking about me or her, we’re talking about you’’.

This time his tone is a little cooler, it’s one she recognizes well but hasn’t heard in so long.

Annie pinches a bit of strawberry juice in between her fingers and flicks it at his white shirt, ‘’don’t use your mentor voice on me’’.

They’re both laughing as he grabs syrup and drips it onto her green sweater, ‘’you love my mentor voice!’’

‘’Do not’’.

‘’Do so!’’

He pulls her into his lap holding her so tightly arms wrapped around her back, she wishes she could stay in his arms until the end of time, she wishes someone would try to separate them.

Finnick runs a hand down her hair and says, ‘’you used to love my mentor voice, it’s what sold you’’.

At this she’s rolling her eyes, studies the face she loves so much and cups his cheeks, ‘’your heart is what sold me’’.

She watches those green eyes soften, she can see her love reflected back so heavily it could drown her and she wouldn’t mind.

He’s brushing her hair back from her shoulders, hand settling on the top of her spine as he responds, ‘’you’re the one who made it beat again’’.

At that she’s kissing him and trying not to cry, he picks her up and carries her back to their room.

In the coldness of the bedroom she’s so warm against his chest, all the lights are off and if she just keeps her eyes closed she can pretend they are back home in their bed. They’ll shower and make breakfast, then they’ll walk on the beach and go to the market. Everything is normal and peaceful, they aren’t in the Games and will never have to watch the other die, his hands will always be warm like this on the bare skin of her back, his heart always beating against her ear.

The Training Center looks the exact same as it did five years ago, it smells the same, has the same perfectly polished floor that doesn’t squeak against their shoes. Annie is fighting off dizziness as takes in every other tribute in the large room. Everyone has been friends with each other for years, she has listened as Finnick has spoken to them on the phone or sent letters, these people all care about each other and now Snow is taking that from them too.

Annie can feel the anger from every single one of them including Finnick. It’s heavy and dark coating the entire spice in a red haze, it’s so thick it nearly hurts to breathe. For a moment just a moment she allows herself to sink into it, to give herself over to it. It’s black and suffocating, hot to the touch like a living flame. They were supposed to be safe, none of them were ever supposed to be here again.

So what was the point of any of it? Of winning, of killing to survive, all those deaths, all those children just so you could go home. What was it all for if they’re just thrown back into this? How is it fair? How can Snow get away with this? Why are they just standing here taking it? Why can’t someone do something? She wants to scream but nothing comes out, her throat frozen in sadness, in fear.

Snow promised that if they won his Games they’d be taken care of for the rest of their lives. But perhaps that is naïve, an illusion he only wanted them to believe. The truth is none of them ever left the arena and as long as Snow is alive and the Games continue they will never truly be free of any of it. The world they were born into is harsh and cruel, it’s always been that way and always will be.

But what if it wasn’t?

Annie immediately shrinks back against the thought, it’s too dangerous to continue down that road because she knows how it will end. Snow will kill anyone and anything to keep the hold he has on this world, thinking against it is a death sentence.

Finnick is beside her talking to Johanna and Cecelia when she spies the same knot tying station she used the last time she was here. Seeing something familiar that brings her comfort in a place like this is nice, she tells Finnick where she’s going and spends the afternoon there. Finnick likes to pretend he’s not lingering but he is and the last thing she wants is to have him so worried over her that he neglects his own training and potential alliances.

So she tells him to mingle that she’ll be alright, her fingers are at home with all these contrasting ropes and she loses herself in the textures of them, the weight and shapes and how each one glides differently through her hands. But his eyes never stray far from hers, she can feel his gaze every time she shifts, she knows this of course because she’s doing the same thing to him.

Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark are in love, that’s the first thing Annie thinks of whenever she sees them interact for the first time. It’s in the way he looks at her, the way he watches her like he’s so terrified of losing her. Katniss is more subtle perhaps, a quieter whisper as the fear for her lover settles in the way she searches for him if they aren’t together. Finnick doesn’t buy the star crossed lover story, but it’s obvious to anyone looking at them.

Sometime later Katniss stops by and Annie shows her how to tie a few knots, interacting with other people is not something she’s particularly good at. People do not know how to act around the Mad Girl, they either say the wrong things or don’t say anything at all, they look at her strangely or whisper, usually Finnick is there to steer and ease the conversation but he’s not and there’s this moment of panic that he never will be again.

He will never be a guiding hand on her back or polite words to someone who doesn’t understand her, she will never hold his hand or stare into the eyes that saved her life. The reality of his death in just a few days looms over her so terribly it tastes bitter and she’s covering her ears at the thought of it all. There can’t be a world where Finnick doesn’t exist because she has to follow him they’re supposed to be together.

How can she breathe if he is not? How can her heart beat if his is not there to be in sync with?

By the time the panic has been tucked away Katniss is gone but Peeta is in her place and his smile is so bright and comforting that she trusts him right away. Annie can feel Finnick’s eyes on her hands as she teaches Peeta to tie several different knots and for once she actually feels useful in this situation. So worried for Finnick and not herself, this is the first time she has contributed someway to the Games, and it makes her feel sick.

At one point Johanna marches over while Finnick is speaking to Chaff and Annie is immediately defensive, Johanna can be cruel and Annie doesn’t know how to respond to someone with that kind of rage in her eyes. She used to before her Games, but now everything is different her mind is far away and she can feel herself begin to drift away, her mother’s perfume so strong but Johanna’s words snap her right back.

‘’He’s going to die you know’’.

There is such venom in her tone, they both know who she’s referring to.

‘’Finnick is going to get himself killed in that arena trying to protect you’’.

It’s Annie’s worst fear, the same nightmare that replays in her head every single night since the Quell was announced.

‘’No he’s not’’.

That is something she would never be able to forgive herself for, it’s a reality she never wants to face.

Johanna scoffs, ‘’yes he is and we both know it’’.

‘’I won’t let that happen’’.

The other woman tilts her head and studies Annie slowly, ‘’do you even know how to defend yourself?’’

‘’If I have to’’.

It brings back memories of blood and knives, a scream in the middle of the night, the sound of a blade cutting through bone.

‘’If Finnick was in danger I could protect him’’.

It’s almost comical the way neither one of them believe it but Annie would do anything to protect Finnick, she would throw herself in front of him and take the killing blow herself if she had to.

Johanna nods to one of the knives at the weapons station, ‘’prove it’’.

Annie has not touched a weapon of any kind since her Games five years ago, she doesn’t even like to use cooking knives, sometimes Finnick will even round out the sharper seashells he brings her just in case. The world is foggy as Annie walks over to the weapons and picks up a knife, it’s small and light but extremely sharp, if she were to just prick her thumb on the tip it would draw blood.

Could she really hurt someone again with something like this? No. But if it were one of these tributes or Finnick she would pick him every single time. And isn’t that the savagery Snow loves? He has gladly turned all of them into killers and cannot wait to watch them all die, the same people he promised were safe and secure after they killed their fellow children are now going to die for the Capitol’s pleasure.

The knife in her hand is shaking, the room grows fuzzy as a violent flashback takes over her mind. It’s one filled with her beheaded district partner, the blue of his eyes so wide against the sun. She can smell the blood and hear herself screaming, she can see the white of his spinal cord, she can hear the sound of the blade as it cut and cut and cut. Did Snow like that? Were the Capitol citizens so entertained by the violence?

Yes, yes they were. They always are.

Someone is yelling, that’s the first thing Annie notices as the haze of the flashback begins to fade. Warm hands are cupping her shoulders and the world comes back into view as the material of Finnick’s shirt brushes her nose. Finn is the one yelling which is odd because she can’t remember the last time he yelled, at the Capitol doctors maybe after she won her Games. He’s angry and worried as his thumbs stroke the bare skin of her shoulders.

‘’What did you say to her?’’

It’s Johanna who replies, ‘’what she needed to hear. You’re going to get hurt trying to keep hers safe, what’s she going to do in the arena just hide behind you until you die? Then what?’’

‘’Don’t act like you were trying to help her, it’s none of your damn business’’.

‘’Oh really? So you honestly think Annie will be able to take care of herself after you’re dead?’’

She doesn’t hear Finnick’s response but knows he is so very angry. Doesn’t he realize that Johanna is only trying to protect him, to prepare him for the worst?

Lavender silk sheets against her skin, a soft brush combing through the tangles in her hair. Annie blinks and she’s back in their bedroom, Finnick is sitting behind her carefully brushing her hair, they are both still damp from a shower and his hands are shaking. Turning she watches as he realizes she is back with him and when he cups her cheek she bursts into tears. ‘’My beautiful Annie’’ he murmurs and pulls her into his arms.

He tells her a story of when he was a child, one she’s heard before but it never fails to calm, to soothe. He’s just finishing up her favorite part when she apologizes into the skin of his neck, for not being stronger or better at any of this and he shouldn’t have to worry more about her life than his. But Finnick because he’s selfless and caring and perfect just holds her tighter, runs a hand up and down her hair and says she has nothing to be sorry for, that he loves her.

She doesn’t want to talk about Johanna or their conversation, but she makes sure to tell Finnick that Johanna was just looking out for him, she can tell he doesn’t believe it.

Later into the evening when they are both so tired but can’t bear the thought of sleeping because they don’t want to waste one second of whatever time they have left together, they’re drinking tea on the rooftop of the tributes center, watching the Capitol lights. How little those people have worry about, how polished and perfect their lives must be, none of them will have to watch a friend die in an arena so far from home.

‘’You’re wrong by the way’’.

Finnick raises an eyebrow, his face illuminated by the night lights, he’s so beautiful sometimes it hurts to look at him.  ‘’About?’’

‘’Katniss and Peeta, they’re in love’’.

‘’I think he loves her but I don’t believe she loves that boy. I think it’s something Snow is making her do’’.

‘’So she can’t love him and still be doing this because Snow is making her?’’

Finnick shakes his head, ‘’I don’t see it. And I should know, I’m a love expert after all’’.

Annie laughs into her mug of tea, ‘’a love expert? Since when?’’

‘’Since the moment I met you’’.

She should roll her eyes, it’s so cheesy but instead warm affection fills her for the man who rehung the moon and stars in her life, who made her see colors and hope again.

‘’Is Annie Cresta blushing?’’

Now she rolls her eyes and he’s pulling her into his lap, cradling her softly and kissing the top of her head, ‘’you’re ridiculous’’.

‘’But you love me’’.

She wraps both arms around him, ‘’with everything I have’’.

He tastes like cinnamon when he kisses her and she tries not to cry when they part.

‘’I guess we’ll see who’s right about Katniss and Peeta’’.

Annie runs her nose along his shoulder, ‘’I’m right of course, you’re just in denial’’.

He kisses her nose, ‘’it’s a bet then, you’re on Cresta’’.

She holds out her hand, ‘’prepare to lose Odair’’.

When he doesn’t take her hand she explains, ‘’we’re supposed to shake on it’’.

His green eyes are sparking when he replies, ‘’I have a better idea’’, and he’s kissing her again, sealing their ridiculous bet with a method she prefers much better.

Their teas are finished when Finnick tells her, ‘’we’re allying with Katniss and Peeta by the way’’.

Annie is suddenly angry with herself because Finnick is actually making plans to protect them, to help them survive and what is she doing? Sobbing herself to sleep, vomiting anytime she thinks of going back the arena, clutching Finnick so tightly wishing it was enough to keep him with her. She is a terrible partner and he is going to die to make sure she survives but doesn’t he understand she doesn’t want to live without him?

She is not making her own deals or trying to get sponsors, she is relying on Finnick to do those things just like she did five years ago. He took care of her in the arena, he saved her from the Capitol doctors, what did she ever do to deserve it? They’re repeating the same patterns they were all those years ago and she’s letting him because she can’t handle being back in the Games. Does her selfishness know no bounds? Is she really going to let Finnick do all the work because of her madness?

Everyone loves him but no one remembers her, what hope could she have at anyone helping her in the arena?

Finnick’s fingers are warm as they brush over her closed eyelids, ‘’Annie?’’

She chokes out, ‘’its hopeless Finn, its all so hopeless’’.

‘’We’re going to be fine Annie, we’re not going to’’-

‘’Please stop saying that’’.

His eyes are sad when she opens hers, still in his lap, still wrapped around each other.

‘’You have a much better chance in the arena and we both know it’’.

But he’s shaking his head, ‘’don’t do that, don’t give up on yourself’’.

‘’I’m being realistic. I’m not going to survive these Games I shouldn’t have even won mine, the only reason I did is because of luck. Snow isn’t going to let that happen again’’.

Finnick tries to hide it but his eyes fill with tears and she hates herself even more because she never wants to upset him.

‘’I’m not going to let you die Annie’’.

This is not the first time they’ve had this conversation, they had many after the Quell was announced and they always made her drift off afterwards. What if she’s not present the entire Games? What if she can’t come back to this reality, is Finnick just going to carry her around until they’re both dead? What if she misses her last moment with him because she’s away in her mind? She’d never forgive herself for that.

The breath in her lungs feels heavy and sharp as she says, ‘’I won’t let you die for me Finnick, I can’t watch you die please don’t make me’’.

He’s so reassuring and kind when he promises they will keep each other safe and will not watch the other die.

How many times is she going to let him get away with promising her something he can’t keep?

Later that night he’s writing in bed and she’s dozing across his chest, she places a kiss over his heart and says, ‘’I love you’’.

Finnick leans down and says against her lips, ‘’I love you too’’.

It’s the one vow he can actually keep.

At the end of training before the private sessions with the Gamemakers Annie remembers the instincts Finnick said she had so long ago as she takes a knife and throws it. It makes a perfect arch and lands securely right in the middle of a target dummies heart.

If it comes to someone else’s life or hers or Finnick’s, Annie knows she’d kill all of these people to protect her Finnick and herself.

Snow is going to love it, the savage tragedy of it all.

Chapter Text

She is radiant as the sun.

Soft as the summer rain.

Lovely like the pale pink flowers resting on the kitchen counter.

Her love like a beacon of light calling me home from a long cold night.

In her I found myself, she will not let me get lost out in the darkness again.

But the days are growing shorter, the goddess of timing a thief once again, stealing every kiss, every smile, every touch of her hand.

The waning glow of her life is the only thing that warms me, sustains me.

She is the ocean and they are trying to drown her, to pull her down into depths I cannot follow.

Can I keep her safe from those same hands that claw at me between rose scented sheets?

If she sinks below those waves never to be seen again I will go with her too, I will meet the same fate chasing after my bride that never was.

Maybe we will share a salt water kiss after all, maybe in death we will be wed.

I count her breaths nightly, watch her sunken eyes grown darker each time the sun rises.

Will this be our end?

End.

The end.

Finnick sits on the roof of the training center with his eyes closed, lids warm with the rising sun. He can still smell Annie’s lavender shampoo on his skin, taste the lemon of her tea in the kiss she gave him before she fell asleep. He’s thinking of the softness of her hair, how it feels against his fingers when Haymitch sighs loudly, the smell of liquor chasing away the lavender. Plutarch made sure all audio and cameras were down so he and Haymitch could meet to go over everything one more time.

‘’Between you and Peeta I can’t take any more worried love birds’’.

Still keeping his eyes closed the image of Annie sleeping in their bed, Finnick replies, ‘’I hate lying to Annie’’.

‘’You know what Snow will do to her if she has any information, it’s better she knows nothing’’.

‘’Doesn’t make it any easier’’.

A part of Finnick believes Annie would want to be in on the rebellion, on helping take Snow down. He took so much from her, from them all, shouldn’t she be given the choice to fight back or not?

But he can’t risk it, Snow will torture and kill her if she’s apart of any of it, Finnick would rather be the one to pay the price for this.

‘’Tonight are the interviews, is Annie going to be able to handle it?’’

‘’She’ll be alright’’.

But she wasn’t during the private sessions with the gamemakers, they wouldn’t let him go in with her and Annie had drifted away the entire time.

She was shaking when she was brought back to him and spent the entire day in her own mind.

They gave her a score of one.

‘’Katniss wants her as an ally so we’re good to go there’’.

Haymitch slips him a gold band to let Katniss know in the arena that they are on the same side, originally Finnick was going to take a picture of himself, Mags and Annie as his token in the Games but he traded it for the band, Haymitch will give it back to him afterwards.

If all goes to plan.

The worry begins to gnaw at his bones, what if he and Annie get separated somehow during the Games? What if the worst happens and she’s all alone with no one to protect her?

‘’Katniss will protect her, don’t worry Finnick’’.

He scoffs, ‘’I have to, this could all go so wrong’’.

‘’We all know what’s at stake here we all signed up for this’’.

‘’Annie didn’t’’.

Haymitch takes a sip from an amber ice glass, ‘’we have to trust in this, trust in Plutarch’s plan. I’ll make sure Annie gets out Finnick I promise’’.

‘’Make sure Plutarch gets her out before me, leave me if you have to’’.

‘’I will, but you may want to prepare yourself for’’-

‘’No, Plutarch swore he’d get Annie out of the arena first and I’m holding him to that. If he doesn’t I will kill him’’.

Haymitch snorts into his glass, ‘’sometimes I forget you’re not just a pretty face’’.

The prettiest face in all of Panem who told all their secrets to the rebellion, who took information and fed it to Plutarch and President Coin. They never saw it coming.

And one day he’s going to expose every sick depraved twisted thing he’s learned, one day everyone will truly know the monster Snow really is. This is how Finnick fights for Panem, for Annie, for himself, the promise of a better life one day where their children could be safe. Where they could all be safe and happy and the Games are a horrid memory no one ever talks about.

‘’It’s all going to work out Finnick, it has to’’.

Cold fear wraps around his heart as he closes his book of poems, ‘’and if it doesn’t?’’

Haymitch salutes him with his glass, ‘’then we’ll all be dead in a week’’.

Snow will not let any of them get away with this, somehow someway even if they win they’ll still lose something in the end.

Everything is measured in seconds, Annie’s smile that’s so few and far between now, her breath as she sleeps on his chest, her laugh that he’s convinced could rise him from a grave. He goes back to their room to find she’s still fast asleep, he slips the note he left back into his pocket and crawls in the blankets with her, immediately pulling her into his arms and she’s cuddling into his chest.

He wants to stay right here in her embrace forever where nothing can hurt them, where Snow cannot touch her and the Games will never happen. Wishes the lock on the door would stick until after all this over, they’ll go back to District 4 and build a house by the sea with her favorite pink flowers out front, raspberry jam on the stove and their children playing in the sand.

The 75^th Games are in twenty four hours, he will be in the arena searching for her and trying to stay alive. Who knows what atrocities await them? Snow has to have something awful planned for each tribute, a personal horror to hand them their deaths. Finnick has a feeling his would involve monsters with human fingers and sharp nails so he would die how he lived, with foreign hands all over his body and no way to escape.

Annie stirs before the dark thoughts take him, those green eyes chasing away the ghosts like they always have. A smile lights her face and Finnick longs to bottle each one up, save them all for a rainy day to pull out when he’s missing her. ‘’Good morning!’’ She kisses him in response, it’s his favorite way to start the day, her lips on his in a moment where everything is perfect.

They decide to spend the morning in bed, they shower together and bring back breakfast to eat curled up in the blankets, in each other. They do not talk about the Games, he tried to remind her last night of the strategy once the countdown ends, Annie is to start swimming immediately and he will grab her.

Being from District 4 they are at an advantage the other tributes will not be, Finnick found out the theme of the arena from a client weeks ago and Annie has been pushing herself to try to be more comfortable in the water. His worry is that she will not be present and someone will hurt her before he can get to her, he already knows their platforms will not be anywhere near each other.

Annie is currently feeding him a pineapple and asks, ‘’what do you think our lives would be like without the Games?’’

It’s something he’s thought about often, so he already has the answer, ‘’we would’ve met at the market or the beach, I would’ve fell in love instantly of course’’.

She’s rolling her eyes but he presses on, ‘’I’d ask your father for your hand, we’d get married at sunset and we would be the happiest people in the world’’.

His throat is thick and she’s pretending not to notice, ‘’we have three kids who all look like you, they’re perfect and kind, you teach them how to make jam and seashell bracelets’’, she runs her fingers along the one he’s still wearing.

‘’I’m a fisherman and you all come out on the boat with me once a week, they grow up to be wonderful just like you. And we have a perfect life Annie, there is no fear or sadness like we have now. One day fifty years from now we die in each other’s arms and we spend eternity together just like this’’.

He kisses her, they both taste like salt, both have tears running down their cheeks.

They eat lunch in their bed too but when the afternoon rolls on Finnick can see Annie is starting to fade so he decides to go for a walk which is not allowed. Dressed in a light green sweater Annie is holding his hand as she hisses, ‘’they’ll never let us leave Finn!’’ Even here in the Capitol she still worries about following rules, but he has his ways.

‘’I want to take my girl for a walk so that’s exactly what I’m going to do. Finnick Odair can do whatever he wants’’.

He pops a sugar cube in his mouth as the doors open and the light fall breeze chills their cheeks.

‘’Annie thinks Finnick is full of himself today’’.

Smiling they walk out, the two Peacekeepers nowhere to be found but they’ll be back.

‘’Finnick thinks Annie needs to break a few rules every once in a while’’.

They sneak out quietly and walk around the training center twice, it’s a beautiful day and this could be the last real sunlight they ever see.

Looking over to Annie she’s staring upwards, the sun illuminating her face and his heart stops. He’s never seen anyone so lovely before.

‘’You’re so beautiful’’.

She doesn’t smile or blush instead she simply says, ‘’I love you’’.

And he knows this was their last moment of happiness before the Games sweep them away.

‘’Finnick’’.

The tone of Annie’s voice when they get back inside to their floor has him stopping, ‘’yes?’’

She’s playing with her fingers, a tell she’s nervous.

‘’When I die what will you do?’’

The question is like a blow to his stomach, he never ever wants to even go down that road of thinking, he can’t fathom a world in which she is not in.

Finnick can feel the blood drain from his face, ‘’you’re not going to die Annie’’.

She just shakes her head as if he’s being a stubborn child refusing to accept a truth, ‘’Finn we both know I don’t have a chance surviving this’’.

The hopelessness in her voice makes him sick to his stomach, ‘’I can’t, Annie I can’t talk about this’’.

He has to hold onto the kitchen table for stability because his knees are about to give out.

‘’We have to talk about this’’.

Suddenly she’s in front of him both hands on his waist, his free hand cups the face he most loves in this world.

A face he cannot live without, one he can’t even think about never smiling or kissing him again.

Her words are gentle, so very careful as if he’s a piece of glass she doesn’t want to break, ‘’I want to go first’’.

He almost leans down and vomits at the idea that she’s clearly thought about this, that he could hold her lifeless body in his arms when she’s so alive and breathing right now in front of him.

‘’Annie’’-

‘’I don’t want to live without you, I can’t. I can’t stand over your body and never’’-

She takes a hand off his waist to cover her mouth as if just the words horrify her.

Her green eyes are wide and panicked as she digs her nails into his skin, ‘’If anyone can win these Games it’s you, you have to win for me’’.

He almost tells her, the rebellion and all the plans almost spill out and confess because he can’t handle her grief, her pain, the death she is already accepting.

He can’t keep giving her promises she knows may not hold.

‘’I already lost my family once, please don’t make me do it again’’, she’s openly sobbing and he may be as well, her hands on his waist tighten and he lets go of the table to bury his own in her hair.

He whispers an anguished truth into the lavender of her shampoo, ‘’I can’t lose you Annie, I won’t’’.

If he does nothing else in the Games, if this is as far as he goes with the rebellion, he’s going to keep Annie safe until his dying breath.

‘’We’re going to protect each other in that arena, until we can’t’’.

He can hear their hearts break at his words as he buries his face in her neck and cries.

Even if everything goes to plan Plutarch still can’t control who lives or dies except Katniss and even that is tricky, they all may very well perish before Beetee blows up the arena.

‘’I love you’’.

Annie is shaking against him as he replies, ‘’my soul is yours always, now and until the end of time. I love you so much’’.

He wishes their love was enough to save them.

In his glittering prime Finnick Odair looks to the Capitol the same as he always has, perfectly polished and glistening under the stage lights. He is charismatic, charming, alluring, mysterious, elusive, an object they can touch, gasp and shake under but never actually hold. If they bothered to look past the forced smiles they would see the rage, the sadness in his eyes as the sun sets, they would see a broken man hanging onto the one he loves by the edge of his teeth. They would see that his heart is broken.

They would see the same anger he’s holding so close inside reflected back in every single tribute here. They would see the fragile system Snow has created starting to crack, all it’ll take is one fire to burn this all to the ground, to end their privileged crystal perfect lives beyond repair. They would know how the rage in his eyes burns beyond anything Snow has ever experienced before, they would know that the rebellion is about to take it’s first living breath.

But the Capitol citizens are airless puppets selfish and cruel, feeding into whatever delusion Snow wants them to. He hates them, has always hated them for taking a child and abusing him all because Snow sold him at a price he never wanted to pay. The difference between now and then is that Finnick is no longer sixteen years old, and he is not alone. Annie stands in front of him as they are waiting to walk onstage for their interviews with Cesar Flickerman.

She was doing alright until Katniss Everdeen walked in wearing a wedding dress and it reminded them both of something they could never have, something that was once to be done in secret in their home but is now lost. Could be lost forever if the cards Finnick has played fall, if all his planning and secrets go up in smoke, Snow could easily kill them all in one swoop if he wanted to.

Annie is shaking so hard her teeth are rattling and Finnick is running both hands up and down her bare arms, the dress she’s in is thin but luckily not see through. Wouldn’t it be just like Snow to torture Finnick with that image? The color is a soft blue that pairs well with the white shirt he’s wearing, she muttered that they look like the ocean and he had to stop himself from kissing her until they drowned in each other.

A few moments later they are all up on stage and Annie pales under the lights, he can see a faint sheen of sweat on her bloodless face and she’s looking at him with such panic and fear he reaches out and places a hand on her back, carefully gently rubbing his thumb along her spine. They are standing so close the audience won’t catch it and he wouldn’t care if they did, but Annie still wishes to act like mentor and tribute in public, protecting him the only way she thinks she can.

Here is the thing President Snow didn’t count on; the Capitol citizens love their victors, such a bond has been formed both good and bad in their hearts for all of them. The audience is genuinely upset as the interviews start and part of it Finnick knows is because they are losing their favorite entertainers, when he is forced to step away from Annie to start the interview for District Four the entire audience is shrieking in loud wailing sobs.

They love Finnick Odair. They love his perfect chiseled muscles and how he feels under their hands, they love whispered words in the dark when he kisses them. They love having him all to themselves for a night, they love the mask he wears because it has been expertly crafted to everything they desire. Snow forced him into their beds and they have loved every single second of it, they believe his lies, his false passion because that is what is required of him.

The Capitol could be losing their golden pound of flesh and they cannot handle it, they cannot imagine a world in which they cannot touch his skin or rake their nails into his back, they cannot fathom a future where his body cannot be bought, where they cannot rip into each other over who gets on his list next. Nowhere in their hearts to they actually know him, they do not care that he could die and lose his love, they only care how his death how all their deaths will affect them.

Cesar Flickerman is a stretched thin chameleon who can’t be trusted no matter what he says or how sweet and enamoring he appears. He handles all of their anger with an experienced hand, twisting and pulling whatever they say to fit Snow’s narrative. It’s maddening and Finnick is tired of the games, the spinning of the wheel, the lies. All he wants is to spend what could possibly be the final nights of his life in Annie’s arms, not here in a place that hurts her.

The Games, the Capitol destroyed Annie and they will try to do it again, they do not care about her mental stability after her Games and they do not now. People don’t try to understand Annie or get to know her, they just write her off as the Mad Girl just like Snow wanted. They still think after all these years he is just her mentor trying to help repair her life after the 70th Games, how anyone can see the way Finnick looks at her and think it’s platonic is beyond him.

His interview is lie after lie after lie until the end, that is when he peels off the mask and asks Cesar if he can read a poem to his one true love. He longs to turn around and say these words to Annie’s face but she wouldn’t want their love to be exposed the night before the Games and risk sponsors, so he talks to the camera instead. The emotion in his tone is not fake, the tears creasing the corner of his eyes are real, for the first time the Capitol is getting the real Finnick Odair.

‘’My love you have my heart for all eternity, and if, if I die in that arena my last thought will be of your lips’’. It’s one of his shorter poems and the crowd goes wild but all he cares about is Annie. When he turns around to walk back to her side she is not crying or shaking anymore, she is simply staring at him with a look he has seen only once before years ago after her family was killed. Hopelessness, like a void has opened up in her cheeks and swallowed her whole.

But he didn’t let that void take her all those years ago and he won’t do it now. His back is to the crowd blocking her from view and he places a hand on her waist, ‘’I love you’’, he can’t tell if she hears his whisper over the screaming audience. It is obvious that the Capitol doesn’t remember Annie’s Games at first, it takes a moment for them to recognize her and once they do it’s not Annie, it’s the Mad Girl from District Four that Finnick has to take care of.

He doesn’t want her under these lights being observed by monsters who couldn’t care less if she died, they’d actually prefer it if meant their favorite tribute survived. She doesn’t move from her spot next to Cashmere so he has to hold out a hand and help her onto the stage next to Cesar. No one notices the way she is clutching his fingers to tightly or that she’s leaning her body against his and he’s supporting her weight, they are blind to her love for him and his for her.

Finnick feels as if he’s abandoning her to the wolves when he has to go back to his place on stage and she’s standing there alone and exposed, the entire world bright and cruel as Cesar presents her. Finnick refuses to think of the last time he was on this stage, so young and stupid, so naïve to think if he won he’d be free to a better life. Life just became another prison until Mags and Annie, and to have her here again is killing him.

Cesar is gentle enough at first and Annie is quiet and reserved just like the first time she was on this stage. But the second he mentions Finnick and the 70th Hunger Games Annie’s shoulders start moving at a rapid pace and he can tell she’s starting to hyperventilate. The lights, the crowd and all their screaming, being back to a place they were never supposed to be is too much for her, too much for any of them.

They were supposed to be safe from ever going back into that arena, but Snow is always thorough as he is cruel. Finnick can’t see what she’s doing, he’s about to walk up and help her as he used to after her Games when Cesar glances over to him and just as he takes a step Annie runs off the stage. He of course runs after her just as she starts screaming and this has a few Peacekeepers hurrying over. Annie collapses, the weight of all this too much for her body to bear and something breaks in him to see her knees hit the floor. He approaches her so carefully, her hands over her ears in the fetal position, Finnick bends down so they are at eye level.

But hers are shut and just as he goes to put a hand on her head the Peacekeepers inform them that they have to go back to the stage, behind them the interviews continue to carry on. ‘’Give us a minute’’. But the Capitol is not known to be kind or patient, the Peacekeepers loom over as Finnick gently touches Annie’s arm and says her name. But she’s still screaming eyes closed hands locked over her ears, reliving every horror of her Games.

All Finnick can do is hover and soothe, talk her through this, he can’t stop the panic attack or make her calm down. So he continues to run his hands slowly down her arms and talk about District Four, his favorite childhood memories and even some of her own, but his methods must not be quick enough for the Peacekeepers. Annie has stopped screaming, her cries have died down and that is when they attempt to reach for her.

But Finnick has faster reflexes, before they can put their filthy hands on her he’s standing and shoving them away. He’s yelling to stay away from her and he’s not the only one, Katniss’ stylist Cinna appears and forces them to calm down to see that Finnick is just trying to help her, to get her calm enough to return to the stage. In reality he’d love nothing more than to pick her up and carry her far away from here, he has no desire to put her back in front of those people.

Green eyes meet his, red and afraid as he glides his thumb across her forehead, ‘’real?’’ She utters the word and he nods sadly, yes unfortunately this is their reality and they have to do this. When she’s no longer trembling he helps her up and keeps an arm around her waist, Cinna gesturing that they better get back up there. Finnick sends one more glare to the Peacekeepers as they head back under the lights.

‘’No one is ever going to hurt you again’’, Finnick promises her as they take their place on stage, and when she looks over at him he can tell she doesn’t quite believe him.

Peeta delivers a blow so insane that Finnick for a moment actually thinks the revolution will begin right here and now. He has already married Katniss and she is pregnant with their first child. Finnick wonders if Haymitch fed him that but one look at the other man confirms this was all Peeta, and the crowd roars in outrage. Peeta knows how to play the game and they are all impressed, it’s funny how the Capitol doesn’t care to send children to their deaths every year but a pregnant woman actually gives them pause.

He doesn’t for a second think Katniss is really pregnant and then he’s angry all over again at the lie she and Peeta are selling. Because they can have a wedding and a baby and he and Annie never will if one of them dies or the rebellion fails. Annie hides her face in his arm at the news and just for a moment he rests his cheek against the top of her head, seeking a comfort only she can provide.

If the crowd was enraged at Peeta’s declaration, they lose it when Katniss’ interview starts, and they aren’t the only ones who are gaping when her white wedding dress begins to smoke. When her black dress is revealed to be a mockingjay Finnick is suddenly afraid for the girl on fire and her family. It’s an open act of rebellion on her part and Cinna’s, a clear defiant to President Snow.

When the face of the revolution joins the rest of the tributes she takes Chaff’s hand and all as one they join hands in unison. It’s all so dangerous, one wrong move and they’re all dead, this is as much anger and hatred they can show Snow via camera. That they do not agree, they hate this, they do not want to be pawns in his games any longer. But come morning his games will continue and they will all kill each other in order to survive.

It occurs to Finnick as Annie’s thumb is caressing his palm that this is the first, only and last time they will ever hold hands in front of the Capitol. A piece of their love on display and no one has any idea. Haymitch meets his gaze in the crowd and there’s fear there, a fear they all feel if this all goes up in smoke like Katniss’ dress. The light shut off, the program forced to shut down as the crowd screams and screams.

Hours later after an uneaten dinner Finnick and Annie are in bed naked under the covers, she’s lying on his chest shaking as his hands roam restlessly into her hair. ‘’I loved your poem’’, she whispers in the dark running her hands up and down his sides. ‘’You have my heart for all eternity too’’. When he kisses her it feels like time has just run out, an hourglass slipping sand out from underneath their lips.

They cry in the shower and cry when they make love, afterwards he whispers how much he loves her and she whispers brokenly that he is the love of her life and always will be. They don’t sleep, just clutch each other so tightly and talk about a life after these games that do not exist.

Finnick is going to make sure Annie survives the arena, he doesn’t who he has to kill to make it happen.

Chapter Text

Annie is intimately familiar with death. It held her hand during her Games when no one else would. It brings grief along to pick you apart when you are most vulnerable and together they feast on your bones until you are screaming. Until you are wishing they’d take you too, but they don’t, not yet anyway. They lie in wait to take everyone you’ve ever loved and only then do they pull your body flush against theirs and give you an end you never wanted but was always meant to be.

She knows what grief feels like, how it tastes like ash and salt and you never get used to the bitterness coating your tongue. Her mother and father, sister, brother and Mags all in a graveyard back in District Four so far from here, so many people she has loved and lost because of Snow. When you’re young people prepare you for losing family and friends especially in this life where you or someone you love can be taken from you at any time.

But no one ever prepared Annie about grieving someone who is still alive. About grieving yourself and the life you could’ve had, the wedding you missed, the children with green eyes you will never meet. The love you just found five years ago already fading away, his smiles numbered, his hands on your skin washing away with a tragedy you can’t control. You can’t save yourself, you can’t save him, you can’t hold onto a future that was never really yours in the first place.

So what do you do? Cry, scream, vomit and sob that none of this is fair. But the tears will eventually dry, the mess cleaned up, no one has ever listened when she’s screamed before and they aren’t now, no one cares about the Mad Girl from District Four that cannot survive without Finnick Odair and she doesn’t even want them to, she just wants them to save her Finn. But no one is coming, no one will save them from the arena no one ever has and no one ever will.

No one cares that she can’t picture a sun rising and Finnick not being there to see it, no one cares that she doesn’t believe in a world where Finnick goes back to District Four all alone. President Snow certainly doesn’t, in fact she knows that he wants them all dead and after last night’s events he very well could kill them all in just a few hours. The interviews linger in Annie’s mind like a bad dream, bits and pieces for her to pick apart but the full image doesn’t stick.

She remembers Finnick’s face after he read her a poem, his hands on her waist, thumbs drying her tears, Katniss and Peeta’s marriage and baby announcement. But the rest is a blur of glitter and silk, she was fully present when she slipped off her dress last night and pulled Finnick to bed though. It’s early, far too early to be awake but Annie can’t sleep anymore, the world is too scary the day too dark to rest any longer.  

The pain of the 75^th Games has never left and it throbs now like an open gaping wound covering them in blood staining the sheets, she wants to lock the door and never leave this place, pretend the world outside doesn’t exist and Snow just forgot they were ever here. They could eat until the food spoils and spend their days in each other’s arms until starvation took, then she’d close her eyes the last thing she’d ever see was Finnick’s face and wouldn’t that be the perfect way to go?

Wrapping an arm across her torso to stave the bleeding, Annie turns expecting to see her lover still sleeping but instead finds him sitting on the edge of the mattress, head bent low. The arch of his spine is hunched as those same fingers that touch her so tenderly rake through his hair violently, he only does this when worry is so heavy in his bones he cannot think straight. Without a word Annie curls her body into his back, kissing the back of his neck.

Stroking the hard muscles of his back she knows he feels the same way she does. Hopeless, frightened, out of control, so terrified to watch the one they love die and they can do nothing to stop it. Finnick takes her hands that are resting on his stomach and brings both to his mouth kissing her knuckles slowly as if he’s savoring the smell of her skin and the way it feels against his lips. Numbered, everything is numbered and broken and disappearing too quickly for them to catch.

‘’I’m scared Annie’’. The confession leaves her breathless because Finnick rarely tells her things like this. He is always so strong a rock in the middle of a storm, always providing shelter from the wind, rain and thunder when it scares her. Annie thinks back to all the years she has loved him and cannot bring up a time he ever admitted fear to her this way. It breaks her heart and in this moment she hates Snow more than she ever has before.

He has reduced them to tears and terror on their last days together, has made Finnick so scared he’s shaking in her embrace she can feel the chill on his skin and the rattle of his bones. ‘’I’m scared that all my plans are going to fall apart and you’re going to be hurt’’. She kisses his erratic pulse point, ‘’I’m going to be fine Finn’’. It’s a lie and it tastes bitter as it leaves her lips, his spine is cold she’s shaking and today is the worst day of their lives.

He turns to look at her the planes of his face so smooth and perfect underneath her blue chipped nails as she caresses his cheeks, the arch of his nose, the curved jawline, the lips she’s kissed a thousand times before and it’ll still never be enough. What will she do when she can no longer gaze at him? When the face she’s loved most in this world is lost to her? How could either one of them survive just a few moments without the other? ‘’We’re going to be alright, we’ll go back to District Four together’’.

It’s a future she is clinging to by the tips of her broken fingernails, like it’s already gone and she’s the last to accept it. The worry and panic begin to gnaw so she plants a light kiss on Finnick’s forehead, his nose, content to rest, it seems so safe here, so quiet like nothing could ever hurt them if they just stay in this bed intertwined forever together how it should always be. But her mouth on his skin is a hand on the clock ticking away from them forever never coming back.

Finnick smiles sadly like he too knows the future they want is gone but refuses to accept it, ‘’we’re going to be so happy Annie’’. She tastes salt on her tongue when she kisses him and isn’t sure if it’s from her tears or his. Can feel the corner of his eyes crinkle as salt water trickles slowly out, she kisses his tears away and he wipes her own and everything may end in a few days or a few hours but they are together now and that is all that matters. She cries as they make love and he does too, it’s a goodbye, an ‘I love you’, it’s ‘you’re all I’ve ever wanted’, ‘you’re every dream I never thought I’d have’, it’s ‘thank you for loving me’.

All Annie can think about afterwards is this is the last time she will ever hold him like this. Last time his hands will clutch her hips, last time she will hear him sigh in her ear, last time he will ever gasp her name, last time they will ever love each other like this. The last time he will ever sleep with someone who loves and cherishes him more than all the stars in the sky. And perhaps there’s a certain beauty in it not just for her but for him, if he were to perish the last lips that were ever to be on his were hers.

Last time

Last time

Last time

Last time

Last time

Last.

Time.

She sobs in the shower as the safety of their bedroom bubble breaks like sparkling champagne, sticky and sick to her stomach she vomits in the toilet Finnick is holding back her hair and she can’t stop apologizing. For all of it. For not dying in her Games so he wouldn’t have to grieve over her dead body now, for not being better and more secure in herself so he wouldn’t have to worry, she apologizes for being useless and sad, for being Mad and for loving him. Because if they never fell in love Finnick wouldn’t be so terrified of losing her.

For the first time since she’s known him Finnick is angry at her over this, the sharp lines of his face have her getting out of the shower on slick feet and she would fall over if his arm wasn’t quick to wrap around her waist. He’s pulling her back against his chest, lips warm against her ear as he says, ‘’please don’t ever apologize for our love don’t let Snow take that from us too. You’re not mad you’re stronger than you think you are, don’t let them turn you into someone you’re not’’.

Then she’s apologizing for that too and he’s knotting his fingers into her wet hair like that will keep them anchored together. She brushes her teeth as he goes to dress, the stranger in the mirror is frowning and telling her to get it together but her face is too pale, her whole body is shaking and she can’t she can’t she can’t. She can’t say goodbye she can’t watch Finnick die she can’t leave this world without him she wishes they died in the ocean back in District Four she wishes Snow was dead and none of this would ever happen at all.

Annie leans over the sink and weeps for Finnick, for herself and everything that is lost now, for a future that’ll never be, for Katniss and Peeta and their baby, for all of Finnick’s friends he will have to kill to keep them safe. Splashing her face with water Annie wraps a towel around her body and steps out to find Finnick pacing the bedroom half dressed, glasses of water and various fruits on the nightstand.

The food tastes like ashes as she and Finnick curl up together on the floor against the bed, hands clasped so tightly it hurts but neither will let go. They finish getting dressed and he has to carry her out of the room because she cannot physically do it, her legs are trembling her head is dizzy this can’t be real, they both survived the Hunger Games why are they going back? How is this fair? She wants to scream it from the rooftops but no one would care.

Time is intent on destroying them both as Finnick holds her in his arms until it’s announced they are supposed to leave. As soon as Finnick puts her down Annie is putting both hands over her ears blocking out this world because it’s too painful it’s too terrifying they are going to kill her Finn and she will have to stare down at his dead body the same one she just held in bed so alive and perfect how can his heart stop beating when it’s always in sync with her own?

Someone is screaming so loud it could rattle the windows, someone is crying so hard that air is no longer filtering through their lungs the room is dimmer and dimmer and Annie realizes she’s the one shrieking and sobbing. Finnick’s hands are warm and hold her upright before she can fall, he’s holding her so tight holding her together like he always has. He’s her home, how can she wander this earth without coming back to him?

Finnick’s fingers pull through her hair as he manages to calm her down, her breathing matches his, his beautiful face comes into view as if she’s underwater, the lights flickering slowly. For one second Annie hopes that she comes back to this life to haunt him, that he will never be able to get away from her love, from the sound of her voice in his ear. And then she hates herself for it because Finnick has enough ghosts.

They can’t promise forever, they can’t promise a life because either one or both of them are going to die, there is nothing she can say or do that is going to change anything. So she just kisses his neck and tells him how much she loves him that her last thought will be of him, always him, and he cries into her hair. Who is going to love him when she’s gone? Who will dry his tears and hold him when he can’t sleep? Why is this happening?

Finnick’s green eyes come into view and what if she forgets them? What if she forgets this moment right here? This feels like a death sentence. What if she dies right after they step off their plates in the arena and she never even sees Finnick? What if this is the last time she ever looks into his face? It’s too much to bear and she can feel her mind slipping far away back home in District Four where her family is still alive and no one ever dies.

But Finnick wraps his arms tighter around her body and it grounds her to this reality, this moment when he whispers in her ear, ‘’Annie I need you to listen to me very carefully. In the arena don’t trust anyone but Johanna and Katniss, and please don’t leave my side’’, his voice is trembling and Annie holds him tighter tighter but it’s never tight enough, kissing his pulse point as she nods in agreement.

‘’No matter what happens remember that I love you’’.

She kisses him slowly treasuring every moment, holding his face as he trails his hands up her back, knotting into her hair again.

‘’You’re the one I love most in the world’’.

One last kiss, one more press of his lips against hers.

One last time.

Last.

Time.

‘’Remember what I said, I’ll find you’’.

And then he’s gone and she’s drifting far away somewhere no one can hurt her.

Annie comes to on the cold steel floor of the Launch Room, having no memory of the hovercraft, the tracker in her arm or being dressed in the outfit every tribute will wear. Alone and gasping for breath as images crash behind her eyes of the last time she was here. The screams of dying children, the water pressing her down, the blood on the grass her hands, her friend’s head rolling towards her feet.

She can feel the absence of Finnick deep in her bones, this feels like Snow is cleaving her soul in two taking it from Finnick’s chest and burning it alive. What if she feels this way for the rest of her life? What if she dies right here and now never seeing another arena? But there are no weapons here and she couldn’t do that to Finnick, not now not here when he’s in a similar room thinking of her, waiting to find her.

Dragging her body to the launch tube Annie crawls inside shaking so hard the glass rattles she can’t breathe how can anyone ever survive this kind of death? The tube lifts and a blast of sunlight hits her eyes so bright far brighter than back home. The blue sky falls in bits and pieces she can’t breathe she can’t force air into her chest in this place without Finnick, the panic slams like a physical blow she can’t do this she can’t she can’t she can’t where is her sister why is this happening?

‘’Ladies and gentlemen, let the Seventy-fifth Hunger Games begin!’’ Hands over her ears Annie looks down to see water, the blinding Cornucopia shining underneath pink sand and the hot sun. Finnick of course is nowhere to be seen, Snow would never allow them to be close in this moment, he’s more than likely betting one of them will die before the other ever finds them. The gong goes off, a scream tears from her throat and then she remembers Finnick’s words.

She has to find the strength to swim so he can get to her, she has to do at least this. So Annie thinks of her mother and sister how they’d be yelling at her to move to swim to do something! A leap and the warm water envelops her, it’s nothing like home. It’s false and too salty, she could stay here, fade until her heart stops it’d be so easy, such a gentle death in a place that is known for cruelty.

But she can’t Finnick is waiting for her, he would never recover from puling her corpse out of this water the way they did at the end of her Games. So she swims and swims and discovers the belts they are wearing are flotation devises. Sand meets her hands and then someone is pulling her up completely. She’d recognize those hands anywhere, blinking the salt water from her eyes Finnick comes into view perfect and gleaming golden water dripping down his face.

No one so beautiful should be in a place like this, death and gore falling down all around them she can hear screams and blood pooling in the sand in the water. Finnick gently grabs her face and asks, ‘’are you alright?’’ She leans into his hold for a moment and nods. Checks him over for injuries the same way he does her, for a second her fingers stroke the tender skin of his neck to make sure his head is still attached. ‘’We have to go find Katniss’’. Holding his hand Annie follows him quickly as Katniss is revealed to be at the Cornucopia.

Bodies and screams and blood, canons and death so much death her screams are mingled with everyone else’s, Finnick’s fingers curled around her own are the only reason Annie stays present. The sun is so blinding when they reach the Cornucopia, with his free hand Finnick grabs a golden trident and stands in front of her blocking her from view from any threats, his body rigid and protective in front of her own.

Katniss Everdeen turns her bow pointed straight at Finn’s heart, his trident poised to attack Annie thinks she screams but it’s drowned out by the waves.

‘’You can swim too. Where did you learn that in District 12?’’

‘’We have a big bathtub’’.

‘’You must, you like the arena?’’

‘’Not particularly but you should. They must have built it especially for you’’.

Oh but that’s where she’s so wrong, the Capitol only hurts Finnick, they never do anything for him that could ever be considered special.

Katniss peeks around Finnick’s shoulder and meets Annie’s eyes, her bow never lowers.

‘’Lucky thing we’re allies right?’’

The golden band on his arm shimmers and Katniss frowns at it before saying ‘’right’’.

Finnick suddenly commands, ‘’duck!’’ in such a powerful voice both Katniss and Annie do so and she can hear the trident arch through the air and stick with a popping wet sound into bone.

Still holding her hand but making sure she can’t see him do it, Finnick frees the trident and tells Katniss, ‘’don’t trust One and Two’’.

‘’Each take one side?’’

They nod and Finn pulls her to the other side of the Cornucopia, he doesn’t immediately get to work though, instead he turns and caresses her cheek with the back of his knuckles.

It’s quick and wordless but she nods as he yells out to Katniss, ‘’anything useful?’’

‘’Weapons! Nothing but weapons!’’

Annie looks around and finds a knife, she sheathes it and ignores Finnick’s frown of concern.

‘’Same here! Grab what you want and lets go!”’

They meet with Katniss and Finnick nods off to the side, ‘’do something about that would you?’’

Brutus is barreling towards them, Finnick still in front of her so whatever harm could come hits him first.

Katniss takes the shot as Finnick says they should clear out, still holding her hand.

They see Peeta and Katniss breaks into a run intent to swim out to get him but Finn stops her, ‘’I’ll get him’’.

It’s then Annie remembers the belts, she tells Finnick that they are flotation devises and he beams, ‘’brilliant and beautiful as always’’.

Katniss insists she can swim for Peeta but Finnick pats her belly, ‘’better not exert yourself. Not in your condition’’.

Annie knows he’s thinking about her carrying their child, another thing they will never have as he brushes his thumb across her knuckles, ‘’hold this for me my darling’’. He purrs causing her to smile which was the intention, and flawlessly dives into the ocean to retrieve Peeta. His trident heavy in her hand.

Katniss and Peeta reunite with a kiss as Finnick takes the trident and laces their fingers together, a question in his eyes. Now that the Games have started are they still pretending? Annie knows he doesn’t care but she could never forgive herself if sponsors withhold things from him because they are in love. A nod, a squeeze to her hand and they walk towards the humid jungle.

The air is thick with a deep humidity that feels as if it’s sucking all the oxygen from this place. It feels like everything is drenched in sweat, the plants, the trees, the sand, Finnick’s hand still inside her own, their bodies are dripping salt and the pains of thirst are already so strong as they walk through the jungle.

They hike for about a mile when Annie starts having to hold onto Finnick’s back instead of his hand and he demands a break. Finnick runs a hand down her arm as Katniss climbs a tree to get a look at where they are and what’s happening around the arena. Annie catches the way Peeta is looking up to where Katniss is and it affirms what she already knew, Peeta loves the Girl on Fire, she’s so winning the bet.

A smug glance to Finn and she can tell he’s thinking of the same thing because he leans in to whisper, ‘’we never did decide on what the winner will get’’. He’s just too pretty and perfect under the sun that Annie forgets where they are for a moment as she responds, ‘’I think we can come up with something’’. She hopes the cameras are focused elsewhere as they both glance at each other’s lips.

New tension suddenly lights the air whenever Katniss lands, Finn immediately stands in front of Annie and raises a trident as Katniss points her bow at his heart, ‘’what’s going on down there Katniss? Have they all joined hands? Taken a vow of nonviolence? Tossed the weapons in the sea in defiance of the Capitol?’’

She wonders if anyone else catches the slight hope in between the sarcasm, like that’s something Finnick would want to happen.

‘’No’’.

‘’No, because whatever happened in the past is in the past. And no one in this arena was a victor by chance, except maybe Annie and Peeta’’.

She only won because of the flood, she was the best swimmer. Bodies and blood and fresh water drowning her they should’ve let her die-

Finnick reaching back to hold her hand has Annie taking a deep breath, the leaves around them stop spinning.

Peeta steps in between them and she is so grateful for him, that he wants to protect someone he loves too, ‘’so how many are dead?’’

‘’Hard to say, at least six I think. And they’re still fighting’’.

‘’Let’s keep moving we need water’’.

‘’Better find some soon. We need to be undercover when the others come hunting us tonight’’.

The thought causes Annie to shiver, why didn’t she think of that?

Finnick never lets go of her hand as they continue to walk.

Annie is blinking the sweat out her eyes when Peeta is cutting through some vines and suddenly the world goes white. Some burning force throws her body back away from Finnick, it lasts for a second her ears ringing and all she can hear is Katniss screaming. Finn quickly helps her up and holds her face silently asking if she’s alright and she nods. He kisses the top of her head before rushing over to Katniss and Peeta and insisting he can help Peeta who is on the ground.

Finnick is trying to perform CPR but Katniss does not understand that, she tries to stop him when he shoves her so hard she tumbles to the ground, the rare act of violence from Finnick surprises them both but Annie supposes it shouldn’t. Katniss suddenly notches an arrow and Annie doesn’t even have to tell her body to move, it’s already flinging itself in front of Finnick in case that arrow decides to fly.

He’s distracted for a moment but he needs both hands to work as Annie explains, ‘’he’s saving him!’’ There’s a second of confusion because why is Finnick doing this? Peeta’s death would bring them one step closer to home, its awful and she hates herself for it but it’s the cruel truth of the Games, something that clearly was dormant rising up in her being back in the arena. Annie digs her hands in the dirt still in front of Finnick when Peeta gives a small cough.

Katniss drops her weapons to the ground as Finnick pulls them both away to give Peeta and Katniss a moment. Finn turns to look at her with such worry and fear, his hands are shaking when he cups her face, ‘’please don’t ever do that again’’. That is something she cannot promise just like he never would either, didn’t he say they’d protect each other here until they couldn’t?

When they face Katniss and Peeta again the love is so evident in Katniss’ eyes that everyone in Panem can see it, one look at Finnick and Annie knows he believes it too. She stands on her toes to whisper in his ear, ‘’look who was right’’. His hand covers her own that she didn’t realize was resting on his stomach, ‘’alright Cresta you win, feel free to collect your reward anytime’’. Even after all these years his wink still makes her blush.

They continue walking with Katniss taking the lead, after awhile she climbs another tree to look for any water and comes up empty. The only thing in this entire arena is salt water and by midafternoon no one can keep going. They decide to make camp and as soon as everyone is seated and resting Annie feels her mind slip away, exhaustion having taken over from being present for so long today.

There is screaming and her body is suddenly propelled forward before being scooped up in strong arms, arms she’s know anywhere. Annie blinks to find the darkness of the night the jungle racing past them as Finnick sprints holding her bridal style. There is a fog that has started to cover the arena and as soon as it touches her skin Annie understands why they’re running, it burns and starts to blister, numbing the area so it no longer works.

She can tell Finnick is trying to hold in his cries of pain for her sake, because she’s doing the same thing, but the pain is too awful to keep inside. As soon as Finnick stumbles she’s demanding he let her down so she can run on her own. They have no time to discuss this or decide if she can keep up, Annie sprints behind Finnick clutching his hand for dear life. There is no time to be afraid all they can do is run to survive.

It takes a moment to realize Katniss and Peeta are no longer following so they have to circle back where it’s revealed Peeta’s legs are no longer working. Finnick after a brief glance at Annie who nods, carries Peeta the rest of the way as they begin running again. The fog is thick and unrelenting and Finnick keeps glancing back to make sure she’s behind him, the next time he does his face is blistered and sagging, if there was any water in her system it’d make her cry.

Eventually it is not something they can escape, Peeta and Finnick collapse first in the dirt and Annie can’t even scream her throat is burning, all she can do is lie next to him, her forehead pressed into his. She can’t even lift her arms to hold him, she can’t speak to tell him she loves him, his eyes are not opening so she manages to run her nose along his. Annie has wanted so many times to die just like this with Finnick, is this how it ends?

But it’s Katniss who announces the fog has stopped and figures out the salt water around them gets the poison out of their skin. She and Peeta go first and then they help her lower Finnick into the water. She starts to panic as whisps of the fog leak out and she’s groaning in pain but he is not. Her voice returns to her because she starts screaming his name, frantically running water over his skin and cutting his jumpsuit so it can reach his chest.

She can’t feel anything. Did she lose him? Is he dead? There are no tears here just her hoarse screams and her hyperventilating the world blinking in and out of existence. But then he starts making noises of pain and she can feel his pulse underneath her fingers and she’s kissing his face grateful so grateful that he is alive and next to her. Finnick mumbles something like, ‘’please wake me up like this every morning Ann’’.

And she doesn’t even care about Katniss and Peeta watching, she laughs as they help him dunk his head under the water as her own injuries begin to heal. Peeta goes to look for water with a device Haymitch sent to them awhile ago while Finnick and Annie stay in the ocean. It takes a moment to register as Finnick is stretching her muscles and his own that she is in a body of water and not panicking.

‘’Finnick’’.

He nods as a smile takes over his face, ‘’I know Ann, I’m so proud of you. Are you sure you’re alright?’’

‘’I’m fine’’.

The ocean is healing as it runs down her skin and Finnick begins diving into the waves, showing off moves they learned as children to make her laugh and to make himself feel better. The ocean reminds Finnick of home he’s always felt connected to District 4 and his mother whenever he’s in the water. At one point Annie meets him underwater and he pulls her body into his, wraps her legs around his hips and kisses her.

When they come back up after several long moments, both able to hold their breath for long periods of time she’s smiling and Katniss is complaining at Finnick not to stay under so long. It’s a moment of peace until it’s not because suddenly Katniss touches Finnick’s arm and they are instantly on alert as Finnick shifts carefully so his body is in front of Annie’s.

She follows his gaze to find dozens and dozens of monkeys surrounding them in the trees with orange skin and sharp fangs. Katniss calls Peeta over softly as not to alarm him but as soon as he starts walking they explode. They run into the brush as Katniss shoots arrow after arrow and Finnick swings his trident with deadly procession all the while sheltering her body with his own. But it’s not enough there are too many of them, Finnick can’t protect her from them all.

The air is so hot and thick with blood as Annie pulls out the knife on her belt just in time for a monkey to jump out behind her. Instinct kicks in so hard her mind couldn’t fight it if it wanted to. She’s shaking several moments later when her knife comes back slick with blood, the animal dead at her feet and Finnick only has time to look to make sure she’s alive before turning back to the fight.

It feels like it lasts forever when suddenly Katniss runs over to Peeta, a monkey headed straight for his throat and Annie isn’t sure which one of them is screaming as the victor from District 6 throws her body in front of the animal instead. It sinks its fangs into her chest and before Annie can suck in a breath the animals begin retreating back into the jungle. Leaving them alone for now, Finnick spins around to make sure she’s alright.

He’s sweating and panting scarred from the blisters of the fog but he’s alive, chest heaving as they check each other for new injuries. Annie rushes into his open arms as he whispers over and over that she’s safe, his heartbeat in her ear. But when she opens her eyes she sees the woman from District 6 gasping for breath in the sand her wound gaping and bleeding and Annie leans over and vomits into the sand trembling and unable to cry.

None of them are safe, and its only a matter of time before she’s staring at Finnick’s dying body and he’s staring at hers. Annie doesn’t try to fight it when her mind takes her away, far from this place of death and loss.

Chapter Text

My love, there is no paper here, no ink for me to write down how much I love you.

There is only death and it looms over my dreams like a sharpened knife.

How terrified am I that we are here together when you should be safe back home.

Away from sand, salt water and blood.

I cannot breathe knowing you are in pain, I wish I could carry all your fears.

I see the heaviness you carry deep in your bones, you do not belong here.

You belong in the sweetest springs and rainy winter mornings in our home, at the beach inside our secret spot, not here in this place of agonizing death.

How often do I look at you wondering if this will be the last time?

I look at the moon in this strange sky and think of you, are you thinking of me too as we stare?

Did I ever tell you that I am afraid strange hands will drag me away from you forever?

Will they drag you away from me?

My love, there is no paper here, no ink for me to write down how much I miss you.

I love you.

But the arena claims us all.

I will not let it claim you.

Will my words die with me in this poem that you will never get to read?

Finnick wonders if love feels the same to every person it touches. Does it read to them softly in the middle of the night, does it taste like warm sugar and smell like lavender? Does it feel like soft hands under freshly washed sheets stroking your skin? Does it look like a thousand stars hanging over her head when she smiles? Does love look the same on everyone else? Is it slow whispers under the morning sun?

Does it taste like sweet summer salt? Can love really change a man? Can it save a hell-bent boy from destruction? Does everyone look at their lover and feel as if they could die without the touch of their hand? Is it a universal experience? Does it shudder at her voice in the dark of the night? Does love carve a chasm in everyone’s soul with her name written in stone?

Does it always feel like home whenever she walks into a room? Finnick doesn’t think so. Because no one could ever love the way he loves Annie, it’s the breath in his lungs, the pulse in his neck, every beat of his heart belongs to her and only her.

When they cart him away and cut open his body Finnick hopes all the love he has for Annie is the only thing those doctors can see, he hopes it gleams so brightly it blinds all the darkness in the room. His heart in the shape of her smile, his lungs curved to fit around her hands, all of his bones and organs covered in the ink of her name written across. And he hopes Snow can see it all from where he’s sitting.

That is what the heart of the rebellion is after all, love. It’s love causing it to beat. The victors longing for a free life for all of Panem, Katniss’ love for her sister, Peeta’s love for Katniss, Annie’s love for him and the promise of a different life. It is because of love that Finnick would crawl on his knees in this arena over broken glass to make sure that Annie lived. Snow took everything from each and every one of them, Finnick won’t let him take anymore.

Finnick would drain his entire body of blood just to be sure that the sweet sound of Annie’s laughter will live on, and it’s that fight that kind of all consuming love that will always drown out darkness, it is what will win this rebellion that has barely brushed the surface of lighting. President Snow will never see it coming, it will burn though his mansion, his sick Games, and everything that has burned in the last seventy years.

Once upon a time there was a corpse on a bathroom floor. Face half alive on the cold pink tile, skin taunt, lips blue, spine rigid. He’d been there for half a decade alone and rotting. Blood long dried pumped out of brittle muscles fingers curled and empty. Alone. Until one day lavender grew in the cracks of the tile, her smile breathing life back into his heart.

Finnick Odair died when he turned sixteen, the Capitol killed him and propped him up in every stranger’s bed month after month year after year. And then he met a girl on a train and his entire life burst forth like the sun behind darkened clouds, with warm hands and a shy smile Annie saved him in every single way you could possibly save someone. Snow has stolen so much from them, Finnick won’t let him take another thing away.

The last time Finnick was in an arena he was a little boy with blood on his hands terrified he’d never see his mother again. Ten years later he’s still scared, his mother is dead, and there’s another person that could be taken from him at any moment and he can do nothing to stop it. So he doesn’t allow the flashbacks of ripped spines or children screaming to haunt him, his goal is simple; make sure Annie gets out of here alive and protect Katniss and Peeta.

But here is the problem; Finnick has perfected the art of pretending. He knows exactly how many muscles to pull together to paint a smile across his lips, he can expertly touch someone in the dark and know how to make them sigh. He has stretched happiness across his skin for years in the Capitol fooling them all into believing he loves them.

Finnick has been sold for so long he no longer remembers what life was like before being treated like an object, passed around and prodded and taken. But they never counted on him being so good at lying that he can take those same seductive skills and sell the Capitol whatever he wants. Secrets are a currency he loves to collect and sells it all to the rebellion, Finnick can spin anything and everything.

He can sell happiness and lust and love to the highest bidder and they’ll pay him in blood under the sheets.

But the one thing Finnick can’t sell an audience? That he and Annie are not in love. She is in his blood, so deep in his bones he could never be without her again. She is his soul, his heart, his anchor in the dark calling him home, the breath in his lungs. To act as if it’s anything other than joy love and affection is something so foreign he has no desire to touch. And so far the events they’ve faced in the arena just make him want to hold her more.

The fear of not being able to find Annie when the Games started, the ice terror he felt when she threw herself over him as Katniss pointed her bow, the agonizing fog, the mutated monkeys with sharp teeth he can’t get the image of them charging for Annie out of his head. The woman from District 6 sacrificing herself for Peeta, Annie has been sitting by the ocean ever since blank in thought cold to the touch.

Now the night has faded into a bright orange morning as Katniss passes him the ointment Haymitch sent for the wounds on their skin. He’s been applying it to Annie’s face and hands and already their skin is getting clearer, he approaches her now slowly, loudly so she knows he’s there. When he sits down next to her he’s expecting the eyes he loves so much to be vacant green, but to both his delight and sorrow she is alert.

‘’Did I ever tell you that when I was younger my sister convinced me I was a mermaid?’’

Finnick chuckles, picturing a younger Annie trying to conjure up a tail in the tide pools.

‘’I would stay in the ocean all day demanding my purple tail to grow but it never did, and eventually I figured out my sister was just trying to prank me’’.

The way she looks out into the distance, a haunted look he knows all too well painted on her beautiful face, has him brushing her hair with salted fingers even though he got all the tangles out earlier.

‘’I miss them Finn, but is it so wrong of me to not want to see them again just yet? I want to’’-

She cuts herself off, he can see her rearranging the sentence in her head before continuing, ‘’I want to go back home and live’’.

‘With you and get married’ is what she wanted to say, but she’s still so worried about sponsors and he couldn’t care less.

Finnick holds the back of her neck and stares into the sea glass eyes reflecting the sun off the water it stops the words on his tongue for a moment, so taken aback by her beauty for a moment he can’t speak.

Once he gets his bearings Finnick responds, ‘’it’s not wrong at all Annie, you deserve the best life imaginable and you’re going to get it’’.

The bitter scoff she lets out makes him sad and he’s quick to reassure, to promise even though she doesn’t believe him, ‘’I’m going to make sure you do’’.

‘’Is this real Finn?’’

He curls his hands into the back of her neck, feels the warmth of her skin, he has to catch the words on his tongue and reshape them for the cameras and he hates it.

He wants to say, ‘yes my love this is real but I’m here and I’m not going to let anything happen to you’.

Instead what comes out is, ‘’unfortunately yes. But I come bearing gifts’’.

With a free hand he presents the ointment and she attempts to apply it but her hands are shaking too badly to get a grip so he does it for her.

The trembling stops when he draws hearts into her skin and flowers on her collarbones, knowing she’s ticklish there and he has to physically stop himself from kissing her.

When she’s done he takes the ointment for himself and frowns at the container, ‘’Annie’’.

She’s sitting crisscross in front of him and copies his expression, ‘’what’s wrong?’’

‘’I forgot how to apply this I think you’ll have to do it for me’’.

Her laugh will always be the best thing in his life, he’s sure it’ll play in his ears when he takes his last breath.

‘’Oh really?’’

Finnick finds himself smiling as she strokes his nose, ‘’mmm-hmm didn’t you hear? I can’t do it, I can’t do anything really without you’’.

It was supposed to be a joke but does not sound as such, Annie just rolls her eyes but her hands are loving on his skin, ‘’you’d be just fine’’.

Gently he grabs her wrist so she knows, ‘’no I wouldn’t’’.

The heat of the morning is buzzing and bright as she leans in and he’s missed the feel of her lips on his, but she does not kiss him instead she flicks his nose and continues to apply the ointment.

He squeezes her knee when she writes, ‘I love you’ on his neck and he hopes they never run out of this ointment.

The truth is that Finnick can’t imagine a time where Annie isn’t his, where she’s not sleeping next to him or drinking tea on their couch his head in her lap. Their lives their hearts are so interlinked he cannot picture a world where she’s not pressed into him, walking and laughing with him, stroking his cheeks her fingers warm on his wrist, her lips on his chest. There is no Finnick Odair without Annie Cresta, he doesn’t want to exist if there is a world out there where they are apart.

It takes a while to realize that they are just sitting in the waves staring at one another, the sun rising higher in the false clouds, his trident next to him.

There’s a smirk playing at the corner of Annie’s mouth and he nudges her foot with his own, ‘’what?’’

She gestures to his drying ointment coated face, ‘’you look like the green shore monster’’.

They both burst into laughter, the monster is a fable back home mothers told their children at the beach so they wouldn’t go into the water without them.

The shore monster is said to have green scales, sharp teeth, and can smell children’s fear miles away.

‘’That didn’t keep you out of the water’’.

She comments, not a question because she knows him so well.

‘’Of course not, you either’’.

Finnick wonders not for the first time if they would have been friends as children.

He reaches over to trace a tiny daisy into her cheek, ‘’I’m far too pretty to even resemble the shore monster’’.

Her agreeing smile brings light into this dark place, amazed she can even do it at all in the arena Finnick commits this moment to memory, just in case.

Annie looks away for a moment towards the horizon wringing her hands together, and Finnick misses them inside of his own.

‘’What are you thinking about right now?’’

He’s expecting her to say the mutts from last night, the dried blood on her knuckles, but instead she smiles her hand covering his own in the wet sand and replies, ‘’Mags’ strawberry and lemon pancakes’’.

It’s been ages since they last had those, the recipe in sitting in a box on their stove back home in Mags’ handwriting, they never touched it since she passed.

‘’She would be so proud of you Ann’’.

Both of their eyes burn as they think of the woman who shaped them, who helped mold their lives and love into what they are today.

‘’And you too’’.

‘’She won’t be if we burn her pancakes when we make them as soon as we get back home’’.

Annie points at him, ‘’I’m not the one who burns food Odair’’.

‘’It was one time Cresta and she knew I’d never made scones before’’.

Their laughter flows together in perfect harmony and he almost takes her by the knees and pulls her into his lap, but has to control himself.

‘’I’ll teach you how to make them properly when we get back home’’.

Home sounds so close yet so far away, even when they get out of this arena District Four will not be an option for a long time, maybe not ever again. He already misses their private spot at the beach, the way the sun paints Annie’s face as it sets, their bed and the warm safety it provides, Annie barefoot in the kitchen and her hands on his shoulders in the shower. Will Snow destroy it all before this is over? Will Finnick ever step foot on those shores again?

After giving Annie more water and weaving a few baskets and bowls to hold it and food, reality always has a way of popping their warm bubble alone, Katniss walks over and says she is going to wake Peeta which turns into them scaring him with their ointment covered faces. It’s a rare moment of joy in a place where that emotion is so scarce. Keeping one hand on Annie’s back as they laugh, he’s able to feel when she suddenly jumps at the arrival of a parachute.

Many things can come inside a parachute, he remembers every single item inside his own and every one he sent Annie in her Games. They rarely speak of each other’s Games, no one wants to relive slaughtering innocent children for the Capitol’s entertainment but Finnick doesn’t think he’ll ever forget Annie’s. The desperation in her gaze as she looked up to the sky, how she wanted to drown when the arena flooded but he wouldn’t let her.

Finnick thinks the only time love has ever been shown in the form of a parachute is when he tried desperately to send Annie whatever she needed during her Games, what Haymitch sent Katniss in hers, and now when they open the parachute to find a touch of home. Warm bread from District Four wafts out into the air as Finnick grabs a piece first and hands it to Annie. Both of their mothers used to make this, a tint of green from the seaweed and a brush of salt.

Home. Will they ever see it again, truly see it? If his plan doesn’t work or Snow crushes them all, this could be the last piece of District Four they ever have. Annie’s hand is shaking inside of his own and when he turns to look there are tears falling down her cheeks but she is gone, lost in the recesses of her mind triggered by the bread no doubt. He manages to coax a few pieces of bread and more water into her, she remains cold to the touch and so very far away.

‘’Does she do that a lot?’’

Katniss asks an hour later after making another water run.

Peeta subtly shakes his head more than likely to get Katniss to stop asking about Annie, but Finnick waves it off.

Snow wanted the Capitol to forget about her, and while Finnick preferred it only so they wouldn’t hurt her, she doesn’t deserve to be erased or shoved into his house in District Four never to be seen or heard from again.

‘’A few times a day, sometimes certain things cause it. This place isn’t good for her’’.

A snort as Katniss replies, ‘’it’s not good for anyone. Is she okay?’’

‘’She’s fine, she’ll come back when she’s ready’’.

The star crossed lovers glance at each other before Katniss pries again, ‘’and you take care of her?’’

This is where Annie would expect him to nod and blow off the question, but he can’t.

Finnick looks at her now, her sun swept dark hair blowing in the humid breeze, the sun high on her cheekbones and replies, ‘’we take care of each other’’.

If the cameras catch the love in his gaze he doesn’t care.

They decide to stick to their small piece of the beach as the afternoon wanes on, Finnick fishes and weaves more bowls and baskets, wishing Annie were present to help, she has loved weaving ever since her mother taught her and she can make tighter knots than he can. But she stays locked in her mind silently sitting next to him, luckily he’s mastered the technique of making sure she eats and drinks whenever she goes away.

He’s just finished another mat to cover them as they sleep when screaming suddenly sounds off in the distance. Before he can guess where the jungle floor begins to vibrate and a huge wave crests over the hill, drowning the trees and swallowing the salt water in it’s path. Finnick hangs onto Annie, glad she cannot see this because he has a feeling Snow created that especially for her since she did not drown when the dam broke in her Games.

Finnick has hated Snow many a times, but this, this makes him want to kill him with his bare hands.

A canon fires as they fade into she shadows just as another set of bodies stumble out onto the beach. It takes a moment to register who belongs where but he can make out the sound of Johanna yelling, Finnick feels his face light up as he calls out and she answers. Happy a friend has survived this horror, one step closer to getting out of here, one more pair of eyes on Annie if something happens to him.

He slows when he realizes why Johanna, Wiress and Beetee are soaked in wet crimson and it’s not because of a discolored rain.

‘’We thought it was rain you know, because of the lightning, and we were all so thirsty. But when it started coming down  it turned out to be blood. Thick, hot blood. You couldn’t see, you couldn’t speak without getting a mouthful. We just staggered around trying to get out of it. That’s when Blight hit the force field’’.

Still holding Annie’s hand, Finnick tells her, ‘’I’m sorry Johanna’’.

‘’Yeah well he wasn’t much but he was from home, and he left me alone with these two’’, she nudges Beetee who is hardly conscious, ‘’he got a knife in the back at the Cornucopia and her’’-

Everyone looks over to Wiress who is circling about and repeating, ‘’Tik tock’’.

Finnick only remembers interacting with her once when he was twenty and having a particularly rough time in the Capitol that year, she made him a glass of hot lemon tea and patted his hand.

Johanna glances at their party before settling on Annie, ‘’you actually managed to keep her alive still?’’

Finnick clenches his jaw, the warning clear in his voice, ‘’Johanna’’.

‘’Oh relax pretty boy I’m just wondering how you’re going to keep it up, you just going to hold her hand the entire time and wield that trident with one hand?’’

‘’I can do it right now, do you want to see?’’

While they are in this together and have been friends for years, if Johanna actually ever posed a threat to Annie Finnick wouldn’t hesitate to eliminate her.

What animals Snow has turned them all into.

Wiress shouts out again, ‘’tik tock!’’

‘’Yeah we know Tick, tock. Nuts is in shock’’. The older woman accidently crashes into Johanna who shoves her away, ‘’just stay down will you?’’

Katniss is quick to snap, ‘’lay off her’’.

Johanna has always been this raging fire just waiting to blow over, for someone to light a match to the inferno in her heart, she slaps Katniss across the face and hisses, ‘’lay off her? Who do you think got them out of that bleeding jungle for you?’’

Before she can accidently reveal anything more Finnick grabs her and tosses her into the ocean, dunking her into the warmed water over and over both to get the blood off and so she’ll shut up. He’s got one eye on her and the other on Annie, who Katniss is also watching.

One day he’ll tell her how grateful he is for that.

After everyone is settled and fed the sun begins to set they decide to rest while Katniss and Johanna take the first watch. Finnick has Annie tucked in front of a tree and he lays at her back, his body a shelter for anything that could happen. But he can’t fall asleep, he listens for a while as Katniss and Johanna talk while he thinks of Mags and wonders what she’d make of all of this. If she were still alive he’d have no doubt that she would’ve volunteered for Annie.

He checks to make sure that Annie is asleep first before closing his own eyes, and it seems just like a moment later when something wakes him. A cool hand on his cheek he knows belongs to his love, he’d know the touch of her skin anywhere as she strokes a thumb under his eye. Eyes closed he simply basks in the feel of her fingers, the sun at his back, the smell of her shampoo and salt.

Annie whispers quietly, so quietly he almost misses it, ‘’Finnick’’.

He’s always loved the way she says his name rolling softly off her tongue so lovingly when so many others have said it, sighed it, who do not.

‘’Annie’’.

Does she know just how much he loves her? How he would take his own heart from his chest and place it inside hers just so she could live?

‘’Where are we?’’

He gently cups her wrist and kisses her palm that is still on his face, ‘’we’re safe for now Ann’’.

The wind has tangled her hair again so he spends the better part of an hour combing through the soft strands, still getting a whiff of lavender every now and again.

‘’Oh I almost forgot’’.

He fishes out the shell he found earlier and holds it out, it’s a soft pink with rounded edges, ‘’for you my darling’’.

He holds her tightly when she starts to cry, tucking the shell soundly between their chests and it takes everything in him not to cry into her hair.

Sometime later Katniss figures out that Wiress has been trying to tell them that the arena is a clock, and Finnick shares a look with Johanna on how much time they have left before Plutarch’s plan. Beetee keeps asking for his wire that was waiting at the Cornucopia, placed there by Plutarch and Annie is the one who finds it and hands it to him. Finnick doesn’t like the way Johanna starts sizing her up, she only does it to get under his skin.

‘’I don’t know what kind of weapon it’s supposed to be, I guess you could pull off a piece and use it as a garrote or something. But really, can you imagine Beetee garroting somebody?’’

She looks over at Annie, ‘’I bet you could in that messed up brain of yours, couldn’t you?’’

Annie coves her ears while Finnick yells to knock it off, Peeta has to step between them before Finnick throws her back in the ocean.

It’s Peeta who directs the conversation back, ‘’Beetee won his Games with a wire. Setting up that electric trap, it’s the best weapon he could have’’.

He can see the suspicion grow in Katniss’ eyes as she glares at Johanna, ‘’seems like you’d have figured that out since you nicknamed him Volts and all’’.

Johanna is playing dumb because there had to be a reason for that wire to be in the Cornucopia.

‘’Yeah that was really stupid of me wasn’t it? I guess I must have been distracted by keeping your little friends alive while you were, what again? Probably almost getting lover boy and his crazy district partner killed’’.

Finnick pauses running a hand through Annie’s hair, ‘’call her crazy one more time Jo’’.

Katniss’ fingers tighten on the knife handle at her belt, they all see it as Johanna hisses, ‘’go head, try it. I don’t care if you are knocked up I’ll rip your throat out’’.

Finnick glares at her as he steps in between them now, one hand stretched out to hold Annie’s, ‘’maybe we all had better be careful where we step’’.

The tense moment passes as Beetee decides they need to go to the Cornucopia so his plan can start being put into motion.

The entire area around the Cornucopia is abandoned, they have a calm moment as they all wait for Beetee’s direction and take the time to talk about their homes, how District Twelve has a canary in their coal mines and when it stops singing that means danger is coming. Annie is a silent presence at his side, not tuning into the conversation even when he tries to include her. She is uncomfortable around people, because people are cruel and don’t know how to act around the girl Snow labeled Mad.

Peeta begins drawing a clock to mark when the arena strikes and what horrors await when they do, and he and Johanna know exactly what time and where Plutarch plans to break them all out, it won’t be long now, less than a day or so. He is armed to the teeth and so is Johanna, not taking any chances, Annie secured another knife to her belt but her hands were shaking so hard he had to clip it for her. He never wants her to have to use it.

They’re discussing which ones to mark where the Gamemakers’ weapon follows out past the jungle when the silence settles over. Finnick turns the same time Katniss does and they both react at the sight of Gloss slitting Wiress’ throat. Keeping Annie behind him who is screaming at the gore, Katniss shoots Gloss while he knocks away a spear that was headed for Peeta. Cashmere, Brutus and Enobaria run off and no one gives them chase.

Before Finnick can turn around to check on Annie the ground beneath them jerks and throws them so hard in opposite directions. He can’t hear anything or breathe or think under the crushing force of the earthquake, all he can do is hold on until it passes, fingers flexing trying to reach for Annie. Panic like he’s never known is choking him as soon as the quake passes and the world settles, he’s calling her name so loudly he doesn’t care who hears.

The world is shaky he can hardly stand upright for a moment spitting out sand, still calling, still reaching, knowing that if she did fall in the water she can easily get out. Annie is an even better swimmer than he is. He hears her voice, small and frightened and he turns around to find her crawling up the sand. He easily runs through it to reach her and help her up, checking to make sure she can breathe and there are no injuries.

‘’I’m alright Finn, are you okay?’’

Her eyes are wild, cheeks flushed as he wipes the sand off her face, ‘’I’m fine’’.

Keeping an arm tight around her waist she’s shaking as the group regains their bearings and mourns the loss of Wiress.

Annie hides her face against his arm and he wishes Plutarch would speed up his plan and get her out of here quicker.

They head back into the jungle, he Katniss and Annie hunt for water. As he’s stabbing at a tree to insert the spile into, Annie says quietly to him, ‘’I don’t think I’ll ever get used to this, the violence’’.

No one should ever have to, and he wishes he could tell her that one day the world will be different. One day their children will never even know the words Hunger Games.

Night has fallen, the air grows cooler as Annie reclines against him, he dozes off to the smell of her hair and the feel of her hand tucked in his.

He wakes to the sound of someone screaming. Confused at first because the voice is not familiar, he jerks awake fully at his shoulder being cold. Sitting up the voice of a boy terrorizing the night as everyone glances around in confusion, it takes a moment to find Annie as her own screaming mixes in with the strangers’. He can barely make out the edge of her hair in the darkness of the night yards away. The voice is yelling her name belonging to a young boy, and she’s calling his name back frantically, ‘’Fredricks?’’

Fredricks, her little brother who died five years ago. Finnick jumps up and starts running after Annie who takes off in confusion and panic, sprinting through the trees in blind terror. He’s yelling her name but she can’t hear him over her brother’s voice, it’s so dark he can hardly see her form, just follows the branches and leaves breaking under her feet. Until they stop, he’s sweating and panting voice hoarse from screaming her name and she is gone.

A canon does not go off, but he has lost her in the humidity of the jungle under the cloak of night.

They’re separated, exactly the kind of danger that could get her killed.

Can she hear his heart shatter in her hands in pure panic? If Snow wanted him dead this would be the way to do it. 

Finnick can't breathe as the jungle overtakes him.

Chapter Text

There is a dead bird hanging overhead with white eyes.

White eyes.

Speaking in a voice she hasn’t heard in a very long time.

The world is a darkened shapeless void with nothing but her brother’s voice, has it been five years or five days since Snow killed him? Fredricks used to gather seaweed on the beach and plaster it to his face to scare Annie and her sister. He left his socks all over the floor of his room and every year on his birthday they’d make strawberry cake and he’d fall asleep in her bed. He loved sailing with their father and he always smelled like peaches.

They buried him in a suit she’d never seen before. The older women in District 4 came together and planned everything since Annie couldn’t and there was no one else to arrange the flowers or pick out the caskets. The last time Annie heard her brother speak he was sobbing on her shoulder in the Justice Building begging for her to win the Games. She did she wants to tell him she won and came home to an empty house with three bodies to bury.

She won the Games, she won President Snow’s sick entertainment show where he promised a rich an easy life for his Victor but her brother is dead and her sister never got married so what did they really win? A lifetime of children slaughtered in a closed glass box always ready for the next knife to drop. The life of a Victor brought her here in this jungle away from her lover chasing the voice of her dead brother, he needs her but she can’t find him she hasn’t been able to find him in years.

The night presses in and the screams grow louder and louder, they never cease the sound of Fredricks’ terror rips into her ears tearing open the dusty box she sealed her family in and letting their ghosts out. There is nothing but her little brother, this foreign jungle cutting her skin as she runs and runs to find him, the humidity and tears so thick they choke her every time she calls out for Fredricks.

The blind horror keeps her legs moving, her brain not comprehending that this not real, this has to be another reality somewhere, a place where Snow never had her family killed and Fredricks needs her. Eventually the noise pauses, a brief expanse in time where there was something and then there is nothing, just a spot on a branch that mocks her when she reaches it. A bird with white eyes stares back at her and opens it’s mouth.

‘’Annie!’’

‘’Annie!’’

‘’Annie!’’

‘’Annie!’’

Fredricks will never grow into his voice, her family never had the privilege of watching him grow up into a teen, a man, see who he would become and who he would love. He is forever frozen as a child with brown hair and the brightest smile against a sun-soaked beach she still can’t bear to see. Annie has always known Snow could be cruel, but this, this is something no one could survive, the bird calls and calls and calls with a voice she hasn’t heard in half a decade and will never hear again.

The bird seems to mock her, it doesn’t care that her tears won’t stop or that she’s shaking, it does not blink when she begs it to stop, it doesn’t tilt its head to the side when she falls to the ground and begs her mind to take her away from this moment. For the madness she loathes to save her from this reality until this is over because she cannot bear this she cannot exist in a world where Snow is torturing her again with her brother’s death.

She sobs and screams into the dirt begging for someone anyone to make it stop but no one ever does, the bird crows and crows in her brother’s voice and her mind does not sweep her away into a sweeter world where Fredricks never died.

The cameras pan out into a wider shot to show the Capitol the death of Annie Cresta, the Mad Girl from District 4 who couldn’t survive on her own after her Games. The poor girl that needs Finnick Odair to live, who gets lost in her own mind and it sometimes still scared of the dark. The girl who is clawing at her face, her ears to try to get the sound of her brother’s voice out.

But the canon never sounds.

The Capitol citizens see Annie Cresta curled in the fetal position on the damp ground screaming begging for a life where her brother never died but there is no such thing as time travel, no one has figured out how to reset the clock to bring him back and no one ever will. They watch not in sympathy but in an eager hunger at who is going to find her in this prone and vulnerable position, defenseless in this wet jungle without Finnick to protect her.

They stare at the carcass of a girl asking where her brother is and sigh, bored with her grief and madness. Lying there shaking and alone like a spotted fawn ripe for the slaughter. One bird turns into two, then three, then four, all with the same ghost shouting her name. Face red from screaming, hands locked over her ears, salt and blood pouring down her face, they watch Annie Cresta drown in sorrow all over again from the death of her family.

The world blurs into noise that seems like it will never end, her spine aching from being curled in on itself, voice hoarse from screaming, but it does end. In a second just as quick as it started the birds disappear. The yelling stops, the wind is silent like they were never there at all. But they were and they brought Fredricks with them, how can she ever hold tight to her grief without letting it destroy her again?

Blinking slowly the night coming back into view, Annie takes a deep breath and watches as sticky sweat rolls down her hand. Still curled into a ball Annie keeps breathing tense and waiting for the birds to come back, to hear Fredricks again but they never do. She’s alone, the jungle teeming with life and dangers. She knows she should get up but her body won’t move she’s stuck to the floor to this moment trembling and wanting to die.

But there’s a voice off in the distance so far she can hardly hear it, almost a whisper in the darkness but there all the same if she strains is Finnick calling her name. Finnick. The one who picked up the pieces of her when she was too sad and broken to live, who put her back together after Snow murdered her family, who brushes her hair and lays in bed an extra five minutes every morning because he doesn’t want to get up.

Finnick who brings light and laughter wherever he goes, who saved her after her Games when all she wanted was to join her family in the sea. Finnick stitched up her heart with gentleness and love, she still has something to live for. Rising just slightly her body numb and fingers aching, Annie looks around and is not familiar with her surroundings. The jungle is dark, damp, empty not at all where she was when she dozed off on Finnick’s shoulder.

Coated in sweat, blood and dirt, Annie calls out for Finnick but it comes out shaky and weak. The soft waves of the ocean are the only sound but a shiver creeps up her spine and she doesn’t understand why until a hand catches her shoulder. It’s not Finnick’s, his has been the only one to touch her and she’d recognize the feel of his skin on hers anywhere. The grasp is not gentle or loving, it’s harsh and it hurts when she spins around to see who it is.

Annie doesn’t interact with other Victors, President Snow prefers that she doesn’t make her presence known at Victory Tours and she doesn’t go to the Capitol for the Games. The only time she has ever spoken to anyone else outside of District 4 was at her own Victory Tour years ago but those memories are blurred by grief and Finnick being dragged away into locked rooms with strangers.

Cashmere and Brutus whom she has never held a conversation with or even looked at, glare back at her with nothing but hatred in their eyes. It’s one she’s seen before in the eyes of children in her own Games, the look of survival and it’ll do anything to ensure they live and you do not. She means nothing to them, just another body in the way of a victory and the promise of a good life. But is there really such a thing in this world Snow created?

She can see it reflected in their gazes, the brutality, the anger, the fear, the savagery of being locked in an arena and having to kill your way out for the second time. They are all just dolls on a wheel bleeding for the entertainment of others, for Snow to ensure that a rebellion will never happen again, they are just bodies to be used as an example of a punishment none of them should ever have to pay.

Cashmere looks to Brutus, ‘’we got the crazy one’’.

He shrugs, ‘’kill her now or wait?’’

There is a sickness in Cashmere’s smile that has Annie scrambling to her feet, ‘’let’s wait for Odair, he can’t be too far behind right?’’

This causes panic to swell because they are going to use her to torture Finnick and then kill him, her Finnick who has never done anything to either of them.

She tries to turn and run but Brutus grabs her from behind his arms tight around her stomach and its wrong he’s wrong against her skin he doesn’t smell like Finnick he doesn’t feel like Finnick she doesn’t want anyone else’s body touching hers expect for his. His name tears out of her sore throat not so he’ll find her but to warn him to turn away, to not walk into his death just for her because he can’t watch her die and she can’t bear to see his face full of the agony when he realizes he cannot save her.

Annie has always wanted Finnick to be the last thing she sees but not like this never like this. Brutus places her against a tree a sword pressed into her stomach and there’s a flash of her own Games behind her eyelids full of blood and bones and she vomits all over Brutus’ feet. She is mad and crazy and grieving, and she always knew it would end like this the second Snow announced the Quarter Quell.

Brutus it seems does not share the same opinion as Cashmere, she can see it in his face as the sword adjusts in his grip, he is going to kill her. There’s a moment where they just stare at one another, the predator, the prey. Finnick taught her how to defend herself and she only used those skills in her own Games, they brushed up on it before going to the Capitol but they are of no use to her in this position.

In the midnight darkness they can all hear Finnick’s frantic screams getting closer and closer, she tries to run to him but Brutus pulls her back. At first she doesn’t understand why, Finn is scared and looking for her how can she not go to him? Why isn’t Brutus letting her? And then she remembers that nothing good happens in the Games, when it’s life or death kindness and decency disappears just the way the Capitol likes it.

Desperate as to not make Finnick find her body Annie pleads in a strangled voice to stop, to not do this. That Brutus doesn’t have play into the Capitol’s hands. Annie, surprising herself because she has never been outspoken like this and they could very well kill them all for this, she tells Brutus, ‘’don’t let Snow win’’. It’s an act open of rebellion, one that won’t go unpunished if she survives this moment.

Brutus gives a half crazed smile that everyone in this arena can relate to as he replies, ‘’Snow always wins’’.

A spark of something licks up her spine when she tells him, ‘’he doesn’t have to. Snow falls, doesn’t it?’’

Fear is causing her to tremble against the tree, Annie has never been a rule breaker, too soft, too afraid, too quiet. But perhaps the Quarter Quell, the life that was stolen from her, from Finnick made her angrier than she realized.

‘’Maybe, but not today’’.

She can read the darkness in his face, feel the sword press tighter into her stomach.

This is it.

But the killing blow never comes.

Cashmere has just opened her mouth to say something when an object whistles through the night air and embeds itself in perfect accuracy in her back. A golden gleaming trident sticks out through her stomach, it all happens so quickly. Brutus turns only to find an arrow in his chest and there is so much blood as their bodies fall to the ground. The same bodies that were just breathing and speaking, bodies that fell asleep in soft beds when the day ended.

Brutus had a family if she remembers correctly, Cashmere too. They were someone’s child, someone’s brother, someone’s friend. They smiled and laughed, ate their favorite foods and tried to make a life out of this horror Snow locked them all in. They were loved once, their mothers held them when they were scared and rocked back to sleep after a nightmare. They were people with dreams and songs and now they are lying on a strange floor never to go home again.

Annie had a family once. Parents who were so in love she could see it between them like a light that could never be switched off. A little brother who refused to eat peas but loved peanut butter and building sand castles. A sister who loved wearing pearl necklaces and could make anyone smile even on their worst day. Annie used to be a complete person stacked together in stable pieces each one slipping perfectly in sync.

But those pieces are lost and broken now, her family took them with her when they left and she’s never going to get them back. Are Cashmere and Brutus’ families being ripped apart now as they watch this? Will they go to sleep tonight hoping they never wake? Will they sit in their living rooms begging for death, begging for their loved ones to walk through the door knowing they never will? All for a Game that no one ever really wins anyway.

The scene plays out before her in a horror show lens she can’t catch her breath everything feels like it’s underwater and she’s drowning all over again. Two canons fire the grass is stained red, her face is wet with sweat and blood but it can’t be her own, right? Someone is screaming, someone is crying, her knees are aching she can still hear Fredricks begging her to save him the dirt is warm as her fingernails dig into it. When did she stop leaning against the tree?

But then a softness is pressed into the skin of her back, warm fingers she would know anywhere run gently down her body. ‘’Annie?’’ His voice could wake her from the deepest sleep, can pull her from the reality in her head back to him. Finnick’s voice is the sun shining through the dead in the night and she latches onto it with all she has. ‘’It’s me it’s okay, you’re okay you’re safe’’.

Safe.

Safe.

Now that he’s here and she can smell his skin and feel his hands on her body.

But her family will never be safe again.

Had she forgotten in the warm love bubble she created with Finnick just how painful life could be? No, not really, not when Finnick comes home from the Capitol and washes his hands until they bleed. But maybe the hope he drew around her neck was too tight because it feels as if those birds using her brother’s voice is ripping the skin from her body and tearing her heart right out of Finnick’s hands.

How can she face this world again after hearing Fredricks’ panic that seemed so real? How did they construct those sounds? Is that what he sounded like when the waves took him under? The thought has Annie turning in on herself spine straining as she curls and curls into her own body wishing hoping that the pain would swallow her whole. But it didn’t five years ago and it doesn’t now, her family is still dead and she is still Mad and that is all she ever will be.

A smooth caress against her cheek as Finnick asks, ‘’are you hurt?’’ His voice carries a deep sadness and she wishes she could reach up and wipe it away, but she can’t move. Annie feels the warmth of the dirt pressing into her cheek, can taste the humidity and sweat on her lips and her chest in on fire as if it’s being set aflame. But the noises have stopped, no tears or screams pass through her lips, there is just a burning numbness in her heart.

Catching her breath using Finnick’s skin against her own for strength, she opens her eyes to find his face pressed so close to her own. It’s like looking into the sun, Finnick’s golden hair and skin gleaming under the light of the moon. Has there ever been a more beautiful color than green? Green is home, green is safety, green is the warmest comfort and she wishes they would’ve painted their home green before this.

She’s shaking so hard her teeth are chattering as she chokes out, ‘’is this real?’’ His nod is sad as he runs a hand down her spine again. ‘’Are you alright my love? Can you stand?’’ All she can do is stare and breathe and wish her family wasn’t dead. Finnick, knowing this, kisses her forehead and tells her over and over that she’s safe as he picks her up and holds her closely to his chest. The world shrinks to the smell of his skin and the comfort and protection only he can provide.

‘’Close your eyes’’. He says suddenly and she does so, not wanting to see the sight of him pulling the trident out of Cashmere’s body. Annie can hear Katniss and Johanna talking quietly as they begin the walk back to their spot on the beach. Finnick asks several times if she’s hurt but she just shakes her head, eyes still closed, face hiding in his neck. Content to stay curled in his arms where nothing and no one can hurt her.

Time passes in a wave. She is present but not really, in her mind but not, like she is looking in a screen but not really here. Finnick sits her down in the sand and checks her over for injuries and keeps apologizing for reasons she doesn’t understand. His hands are wet as he runs salt water down her face and she doesn’t protest when he kisses her forehead, her nose, the spot behind her ear, his hands always pressed into her.

Eventually the strain on her mind snaps, the stress of the day too much to bare and she drifts away somewhere else where her family is alive and nothing bad ever happens.

Her sister is making pineapple lemonade in their kitchen, her feet are bare and the sun is pouring in from the open windows. Annie watches in fascination as the condensation drips down the pitcher as the lemonade and sugar is poured in. Coconut lemonade is Sedna’s specialty, their grandmother taught her how to make it several years ago and they always drink it during the warmer summer months.

Annie checks her watch as Sedna pulls a strand of blonde hair away from her lip, ‘’can you pass me another coconut?’’

Sedna’s nails are bright blue and Annie doesn’t remember ever seeing that color polish, they pour another scoop of sugar into the lemonade, ‘’I think we added too much’’.

Sedna laughs, ‘’I don’t think there’s such a thing as too much sugar’’.

‘’At least Finnick will love it’’.

Her sister gives her an odd look, ‘’what?’’

‘’Finn would never complain about extra sugar, I had to wrestle the sugar cubes away from him last night. He’s lucky he has the best dentists in Panem’’.

‘’Annie what are you talking about?’’

A press of something against her forehead, ‘’Finnick, who do you think I mean?’’

‘’Finnick Odair?’’

‘’Yes’’.

‘’Annie he died years ago in the Games’’.

Uneasiness spreads through her stomach, ‘’what? No he didn’t, why would you say that? He was just right next to me!’’

But the space beside her is gone and she can’t remember the last thing they said to each other.

Sedna stops stirring the lemonade, ‘’Annie you never met Finnick you were just a kid when he was killed’’.

That’s not right, there should never be a time where Finnick and Annie don’t know and love each other.

Suddenly upset Annie throws the rest of the sugar into the trash can, ‘’that’s not true, I know him, he found me when I was reaped and we fell in love. I survived the Games but I lost you and I- I can’t lose Finnick too’’.

Sedna’ sea blue eyes are glassy as she replies, ‘’you can’t have both Annie’’.

They hear Fredricks’ laughter on the wind outside.

‘’What do you mean?’’

Sedna suddenly abandons the lemonade and grasps both of Annie’s shoulders, ‘’I love you and I always will, but you can’t exist in two worlds. When will you learn that? It could get you killed some day’’.

Annie’s lips hurt as breathing begins to ache again, ‘’I don’t want to live without Finnick, I can’t live without any of you’’.

Sedna just shakes her head, ‘’oh Annie you’re always stronger than you give yourself credit for’’.

Her older sister looks deeply into her eyes, ‘’don’t let Snow win’’.

The other reality fades like smoke before Annie can ask her what she means.

*

‘’I remember hearing about that, her entire family drowning’’.

A sharp response nearly lost in the ocean waves, ‘’it wasn’t an accident’’.

Sand in between her fingers, a warm breeze, the slow sunrise creeping into her cheeks. Annie keeps her eyes closed and can feel Finnick’s warm hand running down her arm, bits and pieces of everyone’s conversations flowing in waves.

‘’Could they do that Beetee? Take someone’s regular voice and make it’’…

‘’Oh yes it’s not even that difficult Finnick. Our children learn a similar technique in school’’.

‘’Of course  Peeta’s right. The whole country adores Katniss’ little sister. If they really killed her like this, they’d probably have an uprising on their hands. Don’t want that, do they”?’’

Johanna’s sharp words have Annie cringing. An uprising, Snow would punish the whole country over something like that.

‘’Whole country in rebellion? Wouldn’t want anything like that!’’

Annie wants to jump and scream for Johanna to shut up, doesn’t she understand what Snow will do with comments like that? He’ll kill her whole family, anyone she cares about.

Such is the life of his Victors.

‘’I’m getting water’’.

It’s Katniss who stops her, voice soft and fragile, ‘’don’t go in there, the birds’’.

Katniss must have heard her sister Prim’s voice in those strange birds. A special tortured cooked up just for them covered in blood and hatred, a memory of a ghost Annie will never see again.

‘’They can’t hurt me I’m not like the rest of you. There’s no one left I love’’.

The sentence hangs heavy in the air as Johanna walks off but not before quietly asking Finnick if there’s anything she can do to help. At first Annie is confused, what does Finn need help with? Then she realizes Johanna is referring to her, the girl Finnick has to take care of because her family died and she went Mad five years ago. What did Snow do to Johanna’s family? She doesn’t remember hearing of any tragedies or accidents after Johanna won.

Warm salt water hands begin running through her hair getting every knot and tangle out, it calms the nervous energy in her veins, sooths her bones that want to jump into the ocean and never come out. The sky darkens when Annie opens her eyes to find Finnick sitting behind her, her back to his chest, steady fingers combing through her hair until it’s smooth again, his hands are shaking and he’s muttering apologies into her scalp.

Caged in by his raised legs Annie places both hands on his knees and sobs. He’s quick to pull her into his chest as she chokes out against his neck, ‘’I’m sorry Finn I’m so sorry’’. He of course assures her that there is nothing to apologize for, that Katniss did the same thing when the jabberjays used her sister’s voice. But Prim is still very much alive and Annie doesn’t know how to exist now that she’s heard her brother but will never go home to him again.

‘’I don’t think I can live with it’’. She whispers into his skin like it’s a secret between them and no one else.

A kiss to her temple and she melts against the familiar feel of his lips on her skin, she’s missed it so much.

‘’I’m right here Annie I’m not going anywhere, we will get through this together I promise’’.

That’s all she can count on, right here in this second because in this life the next moment is never promised.

Her family is gone but Finnick is right here in front of her, he won’t let this take her from him.

She sneaks a peek at his face, ‘’is Katniss okay?’’

Finnick looks down at her with so much concern in his eyes it nearly makes her shrink back into her spine, ‘’she’s fine, I’m more worried about you right now’’.

Annie adjusts so her legs are hanging over his right hip and not straddling his waist.

It seems keeping their relationship a secret to protect him is out the window.

‘’I don’t, I don’t know how to get past this Finn’’.

The only reason she survived her entire family’s death is because of him and Mags, Annie doesn’t think she could have done it on her own.

‘’You’ll recover from this Ann I promise, it’ll just take time. I’ll be right here always’’.

Their hearts are in sync, how could he not be?

She searches the face she loves so dearly and can see the fear there, ‘’I’m sorry for scaring you’’.

Finnick closes his eyes when she cups his face, ‘’please don’t ever do that again, I can’t, Annie I can’t lose you’’.

It’s natural and freeing to kiss him softly, the feeling of home and love settling over her like a warm coat, she’s missed his lips against her own.

‘’You won’t lose me Finnick I promise’’.

She can feel his entire face light up when she kisses him again, and though she can’t form a smile quite yet the happiness Finnick has always been able to pull out of her starts to tug.

‘’I can’t talk about it, not here’’.

She admits against his lips as his hands run up and down her spine before settling on her lower back.

Annie can’t unpack it all here not where life and death are just a few feet away and could claim them at any moment.

She wants to take everything out of the boxes in her head and mourn them in the safety of their home, their bed with Finnick’s arms wrapped securely around her.

Finnick, always able to read her so well nods, ‘’we’ll talk about it when we get home then. Are you sure?’’

He doesn’t want her walking around with an open wound, but the arena is not the place she wants to talk about her family, not when her own arena is what took her family from her.

Annie doesn’t want to give the Capitol anymore of her tears.

And she doesn’t want Finnick to worry about her when he should be focused on keeping his heart beating.

Wiping her face and taking a deep breath trying to hold at bay the darkened abyss the jabberjays opened up, ‘’the only thing I’m sure of is that I love you’’.

She can tell Finnick doesn’t want to smile given the present situation but it spreads all the same after she assures him he can smile, her own expression matching his when he says, ‘’my beautiful Annie’’.

She hides her face in his chest as he sighs, ‘’I love you too’’.

‘’Guess our game is up’’.

He chokes out a laugh, ‘’is that what you were calling it? I thought it was Torture Finnick Every Day’’.

She runs her nose along the skin of his collarbone, eyes closed, ‘’I was trying to protect you’’.

He runs a thumb up the groove of her spine, ‘’you always protect me’’.

Not really, but she doesn’t correct him on it.

They must doze off in pure exhaustion because one moment Finnick has them turned so his body is covering her own as they sleep, and the next she’s waking to her shoulders shaking and Finn pulling her into his arms. Just like they used to sleep back home him curled into her back, both arms curled around her stomach, her back to his chest, the only way she wants to sleep for the rest of her life.

The sun begins to disappear and Annie opens her eyes to see Peeta and Katniss returning from their moment alone as their little group gathers up by the water. Finnick suddenly clutches her tighter and whispers so low she almost misses it, ‘’Annie no matter what happens I need you to trust me. Please trust me’’. She places a hand on his arm and replies, ‘’of course’’. He’s the only one she’s ever trusted.

A few moments later he’s helping her up, wiping the sand from her nose and taking her hand as they walk up to everyone else. Katniss is the only one who says softly, kindly, ‘’I’m sorry about your brother’’. She nods in thanks, afraid if she opens her mouth she will burst into tears. It takes a moment to realize why they are all gathered here, it’s Beetee’s plan finally coming to life and he needs everyone to help execute it.

Annie listens as Finnick hands her more water and few pieces of bread they received from a parachute earlier. His hand still warm and assuring in her own, no matter what happens as long as they stay together everything will be fine. Beetee is planning to use his wire and attach it to the tree where lightning strikes, in effect it’ll kill anyone who’s watching the beach which is more than likely the rest of the tributes.

It makes her uneasy, this cruel game of survival Snow forced them into, but also what happens when their enemies are dead? Who will turn on who first? This alliance they’ve formed will end as soon as the canons sound, then what? Finnick has to know that too so why are they still here? How long did she really think they’d last in the arena together? If they somehow are the only ones left Annie knows Snow won’t let two Victors be crowned again.

‘’But as we are allies and this will require all our efforts, the decision of whether or not to attempt it is up to you’’.

After a few moments of everyone sharing a look its Katniss who replies, ‘’why not? If it fails no harm done, if it works there’s a decent chance we’ll kill them. And even if we don’t and just kill the seafood, Enobaria lose it as a food source too’’.

‘’I say we try it, Katniss is right’’.

Finnick looks over to Annie and raises his eyebrows, she just nods, agreeing with Katniss.

Johanna sighs, ‘’alright its better than hunting them down in the jungle anyway. And I doubt they’ll figure out our plan since we can barely understand it ourselves’’.

Annie finds the dry skin of her lips cracking a smile and Johanna gently knocks into her shoulder, ‘’look who came back to life, lover boy over there almost threw himself in the ocean he was so worried about you’’.

Finnick rolls his eyes, ‘’one day when you’re older you’ll understand Jo’’.

She wrinkles her nose at their joined hands, ‘’love is weird’’.

It takes a few hours to plan and walk to where the tree is, Finnick alternates between carrying Beetee and making sure Annie is getting plenty of water, his hand never leaving her own. They have to wait a little while for the lightning to hit and everyone decides to cover more ground if they split into teams. Finnick and Peeta will stay as a guard, Katniss and Johanna will take the coil throughout the jungle to carry the charge.

When Beetee mentions Annie should go with them Finnick slightly raises his trident and says in a voice she has never heard before, ‘’Annie stays with me’’. It’s a shade deeper, like he can protect her from just his tone alone and she squeezes his fingers tighter and tighter worried about everything that could go wrong. Is this their last moment together? Is this the last time she will see his face before the lighting goes out?

Annie watches as Katniss and Peeta unhappily kiss goodbye, he watches her go with such a deep sadness in his face that Annie assures him, ‘’she’ll be alright Peeta’’. It’s clear that he does not believe her but nods in thanks anyway. The hum of anticipation is heavy in the air as Beetee gets ready, nerves are growing as Annie watches Finnick and he watches the jungle, hand still tucked into her own.

As the minutes begin to pass Annie starts to shake her nerves getting the best of her and Finnick is quiet. Finnick only gets quiet when he’s angry or worried, but when she asks he just shakes his head. She’s glancing around the trees when Finnick suddenly approaches from behind and kisses the back of her head and whispers, ‘’remember what I told you?’’ To trust him, she always has and always will.

At her nod he comes around to face her, unlaces their hands to hold her cheek thumb running under her tired eyes, she doesn’t understand the sad smile that he gives her, ‘’I love you Annie’’. His long kiss tastes like a goodbye and she’s trembling and scared as she wraps both arms around his neck to make this moment last. She has a terrible feeling the second she lets go she will never see him again.

‘’I love you Finn. Don’t go where I can’t follow’’.

Another kiss to her lips, ‘’never’’.

Annie has no idea that she’s right in the middle of the rebellion against the Capitol, and this is about to set off the spark that Haymitch Abernathy lit so long ago.

Fire is catching.

Chapter Text

Time used to move so slowly, like spreading glue on a piece of stationary as you watch it dry.

But now it moves so terrifyingly quick I blink and the page is clear, crisp, ready for the pen.

I can’t jot down the words fast enough, I cannot catch the pieces of this life with steady hands and view them all with hours to spare.

But if I could I would focus the letters on your laugh, each individual word would delicately spell out how much I love you, how bold and brilliant and beautiful you are.

Your smile, your eyes, the shape of your lips, the feel of your fingers inside my own.

We were never going to have enough time you and I, it never mattered how many stars I wished on or how often I begged for one more hour, one more minute in your arms.

We were always going to be robbed of a life together one way or another.

The sea grows cold.

The sun is hidden from me.

Hands that are not yours will claw at me.

But I will always come home to you my love.

All my minutes and seconds are yours, they always have been.

In the dark you are holding my heart.

These poems written in this arena will never reach you I’m afraid.

All of my letters, all of my love in these moments will be lost to the false salt against your skin.

The pages are dry now.

Will I be there to press them against one another?

To place the spine that holds the book of our life together?

Will all of my words go addressed to the fire?

The story of my book will have you ingrained so deeply in the pages that no one will ever be able to read of me without seeing you there in my arms, my heart.

The end comes to a near perfect close as the curtain begins to draw.

Is this the last poem I will ever write of you, to you?

Annie,

I love you.  

Fear and Finnick Odair are excellent friends. They know each other intimately having held hands his entire life, nails digging in when he was fourteen, sixteen, again when he saw a girl with green eyes smile up at him, and fear has been dragging a knife up his spine for the last six months. A slip of paper with Annie’s name, when he could not find her when the Games started, when she slipped from his side in the dark to chase after a brother long dead.

Blood gushed from the wounds that knife left as he chased after her, not caring how it looked or what the animals in the Capitol saw when he found her. But none of that compares to what terror is tearing into his skin now. It is leaching all over him, poisoning his mind and actions, fighting for a control that has always been an illusion because Snow is the puppet master pulling at his strings, at every Victor’s strings.

Any moment now Plutarch is going to break through this arena to rescue Katniss, Peeta and the rest of them, but Finnick isn’t naïve enough to believe the remaining Victors will all be perfectly transported to District Thirteen without issue. One if not most of them will be captured by the Capitol, Plutarch does not have the resources to rescue all of them and his main priority will be the Mockingjay and Annie. That’s the only clause Finnick had before he entered this arena, that Annie’s safety would be guaranteed or else Plutarch would learn first-hand what he can do with a trident.

But nothing is set in stone, her well being is so fragile it could disappear in a second like smoke, he could die before ever having time to catch her. The adrenaline, the horror running up his spine is just another reminder that their lives have never been their own, they have always belonged to Snow. Annie shouldn’t even be here, she should be safe at home waiting for him to come back to her like he always does.

But safety has always been an illusion, a crystal clear glass that President Snow could shatter whenever he wanted to and if this plan doesn’t work he will take them all captive and make their deaths a violent spectacle. And no one would be able to stop it, a rebellion of this scale would never happen again Snow would make sure of it, and another generation of children would be crushed under the blood of more Games, more gory unnecessary ends.

The image of Annie being set on a stage away from him comes to mind, she’s screaming and he can do nothing to stop it. Snow would make sure his eyes were wide open to witness her death, to know that he was powerless in preventing it, that he could do absolutely nothing at all to save her. Finnick doesn’t realize he’s shaking until his teeth chatter into the skin of his lips and he tastes blood.

A few feet away swaying in the breeze, in the humid choking darkness Annie is still the sun gleaming gold, bathing him in the light of her face and the comfort of her love. Painted with the light of the moon she looks at him and frowns at the adrenaline and fear smeared across his face, takes his trembling fingers in her own and kisses his knuckles. Even in a panic so thick is hurts to inhale he takes a moment to bask in her lips on his skin.

Not being able to touch her for the last few days or kiss the lips that have always felt like home to him has been a burning kind of torture. He’s missed the feel of her skin intertwined with his own, her mouth on his, tangling her hair in his hands. Finnick longs for the shores of home, to see Annie backed by the orange glow of the sun, happy and safe on the sand, in their bed, in his arms where nothing could ever hurt her again.

Will he ever see her in their living room again? Will he watch the sun set with Annie in his lap as they discuss baby names and he’ll come up with ridiculous ones to make her laugh? Has he already heard her laugh for the last time? Will someone else have the luxury of hearing it instead of him? Finnick would like that, he thinks, someone to take care of Annie if he no longer can.

Someone to hold her while she sleeps to keep the nightmares at bay, someone to shower with her and coax food and water into her when she is not present to do so herself. If something happens to Finnick he does not want Annie to be alone forever, he wants her to find joy again, to find something or someone to make her so happy she never remembers what life was like when Snow reigned.

The thought of leaving her forever, of never looking into her eyes again or seeing her smile brings tears to his eyes and he is not fast enough to hide them. Annie reaches up to cup his face and he kisses her palm, holds her wrist to feel her pulse beat against his thumb. Alive and still here with him, right now they are together and that is all that matters. Taking a deep breath Finnick takes Annie in his arms and buries his face in her neck, committing the feel of her skin against his mouth to memory.

‘’You’re shaking’’. Annie whispers into his shoulder, hands roaming up and down his back in soothing patterns he wishes he could relax into her touch. ‘’Remember what I said’’. She nods and he kisses the top of her head, wishing he could tell her everything but knows it’s still not safe to do so. Holding her so tightly in his arms Finnick can tell when the night has changed, he can feel his part in the plan take root under his skin like a live wire.

Annie must sense the shift in him because she pulls back, studying his face carefully. Peeta and Beetee are talking quietly amongst themselves as Beetee wraps and tangles the wire every direction it needs to go. Finnick is to remove both Peeta and Beetee’s trackers, his, Annie’s and Katniss’ will be removed once they are up in the air. Taking one more look at Annie, Finnick kisses her longingly, irrevocably, memorizing the shape of her lips the taste of salt on her tongue, how she still trembles when he wraps both arms tightly around her back.  

‘’Trust me’’, he whispers in between kisses as she runs her hands up and down his chest before cupping his wrists, thumb on his pulse point to feel the life inside of him just like he was doing before. It physically aches to pull away from her, to separate his body from the vicinity of her own, each step feels like he’s forcing it because all his feet want to do is turn back to her. The plan was supposed to be easy, but nothing ever is, is it?

Anxious sweat slides down panicked bones as Finnick sets Annie behind a tree just in case, safe from the terrors that await them. But the first shock doesn’t go out as planned and as Beetee falls to the ground Peeta runs off to find Katniss, Finnick grabs Annie’s hand as they set off to search for Johanna. But the stillness of the jungle produces nothing, the midnight darkness of the arena offers no answers in the humid sky.

‘’Finnick what’s going on? What are we doing?’’ Annie nervously asks but he cannot answer her not right now, not when they are so close to escaping and so close to danger. The tree limbs scratch as he hisses Johanna’s name into the darkness but there is no response, it seems as if everyone has scattered and since Peeta and Katniss know nothing of the rebellion they could be anywhere.

He has no choice but to go back to the tree to see if he can try to do what Beetee needed to, though he has no idea what he’s doing. They’re close to it when Annie tugs on his hand, he turns to see her skin coated in sweat and a frown on her beautiful face. For a moment he pauses, reading the sadness in her eyes at hearing her brother’s voice again and half of him is worried she may never recover from this, that the torture Snow inflicted during these Games could linger for the rest of her life.

But time has never been a luxury for either of them and they cannot discuss it now, not when the arena is vibrating and he’s so full of panic and adrenaline he’s shaking in her grip. What if these are their final moments together? What if the shock from the tree kills them? What if Plutarch is late and the Capitol takes Annie from him? What if this is the last time he can gaze upon the face he loves most in this world?

Annie’s green eyes search his in the darkness, while she doesn’t know what’s going on she can see his fear and it’s causing her own to reach the surface. Though there is no time and if Haymitch could see this he’d be yelling at the screen, Finnick takes Annie’s face in his hands and offers a sad smile. Breathes in the scent of home, lavender and salt and if this is the last thing he feels, if Annie is the last thing he sees, he can die happy without regret.

All he has ever wanted is a lifetime with Annie, all he’s ever dreamed of is ending each day in her arms where she is safe and happy. Fifty years of loving each other, raising their children in District Four where they watch the sunset and drink lemon tea, there are no more Games, the world is at peace and no one ever has to watch someone they love die again. It’s a reality he may never get to witness, it’s a fight in a war he may never see won.

The sea at his back and Annie in front of him; this is what defines Finnick Odair. Not the boy who won the Hunger Games at fourteen, not the Capitol’s whore, but a man so deeply in love he didn’t mind dying if it meant she were to live happy and safe for the rest of her days. Finnick kisses her once more and can only mutter, ‘’trust me please’’ into her lips again as they reach the tree and she squeezes his hand.

But they are not alone as the tree comes into view. Katniss Everdeen is sliding Beetee’s wire in between the arrow of her bow, Peeta is somewhere screaming her name, and Finnick can see the rage in her eyes. A decision has been made, one that will shape the rest of all of their lives, this cradled rebellion is about to catch fire and nothing can stop it. This is when Snow falls, when his slaves rise up to defeat his world drenched in blood once and for all.

Finnick has just enough time to tell Annie to run before he’s tossing her to the ground and covering her body with his own as Katniss’ arrow strikes true and the arena explodes. The last thing Finnick hears is Annie’s screams, the last thing he sees is her face scrunched in fear in the dirt. He thinks of his mother, of Mags, and then nothing at all as the night ends in a flash of white.

Here is a secret free of charge no sighing into silk sheets required; the only real thing about Finnick Odair is his love for Annie Cresta. He is made up of false smiles and slick skeletons in closets whispered into the ears of people he hates, he is a vessel for a stranger’s pleasure but they don’t know him at his core. Everything else is a lie smoothed over like the waves breaking over rocks.

He is beautiful and charming but it is all smoke, all rain washing the bones away that Snow stripped bare. But all that has ever mattered to Finnick is his heart that Annie holds in her hands, she will always hold it until the end of time. She is the only reason he is alive at all, the reason the pages of his story are full and not burning in a fireplace back in District Four. Snow tried to take everything from him, but he never could touch the love Annie and Finnick have for one another.

Finnick’s story didn’t start at his birth, when he was reaped or when he walked into a stranger’s bedroom for the first time. It started when a girl walked onto the stage for the 70^th Hunger Games in a pale coral dress with the greenest eyes he’d ever seen. His heart which he thought he’d long lost at that point began beating when she first smiled at him, he felt true unconditional love the first time and understood what it meant with Annie, only ever Annie.

Finnick wakes thinking of blue seashells back home, the sun on his bare skin, and he swears a slight flicker of a flame still glows under his fingernails. Harsh white light greets his raw eyes and he’s immediately reaching for the space beside him expecting a body to be curled against his own but it’s empty. He sits up so quickly it makes his head spin but the stars on the ceiling don’t blink or answer his yell for Annie.

The gray haze of unconsciousness fades as Haymitch and Plutarch come into view, fuzzy with bags under their eyes and stress playing at their features. Before he can yell again he’s looking frantically around as Haymitch says, ‘’relax kid, she’s right over here’’. Following Plutarch’s outstretched hand Finnick stands on shaking legs to another cot a few feet away, Annie’s dark hair spilling over the side.

‘’Is she okay?’’

‘’She’s fine, the blast knocked all of you out, Katniss is recovering as well’’.

Stumbling slightly Finnick reaches Annie and carefully pulls the hair away from her face, her breath hitting his fingers and he nearly weeps in relief. They did it, they got out of the arena alive, the Mockingjay lives, the rebellion is going to destroy Snow and everything he’s created. They are free, this could be a fresh full start with endless possibilities, they could go home and be together, truly together and start a family.

Finnick is no fool, he knows there’s a chance the rebellion could fall but right now in this moment all he cares about is that Annie is alive and they have a better shot at a free future together than they ever did before. He stands at her bedside and gently pulls the leaves and sand from her hair, combs the tangles out and whispers through slow tears that she’s safe, he’s right here and will explain everything when she wakes.

Kisses her forehead and adjusts her neck so she’s more comfortable, it’s then he notices her attire. Gone is the outfit from the arena and in it’s place are black pants and a blue shirt that is two sizes too big. When he asks who changed her clothes while she was unconscious Haymitch informs him that a female doctor from District 13 is on board and did so, same with Katniss. Glancing down Finnick sees himself in pants and a light gray robe, a small scratch on his chest.

The relief of the Games being over nearly has Finnick on his knees, all the stress and sleepless nights wondering if he did the right thing, if something was to happen to him he’d be powerless to protect Annie in the arena. They made it out alive and together, everything else is just noise in the background that can’t compare to the joy in his heart at seeing Annie’s chest rise and fall, she’s not in the Capitol she is safe right here with him.

‘’Finnick we need to discuss the next steps’’. Plutarch informs him as he and Haymitch gesture to the door leading to another room in the ship where they’ll have privacy. He would rather die than let go of Annie’s hand right now, as if sensing a possible departure Annie’s fingers twitch against his own and he is quick to kiss her temple and whisper, ‘’it’s alright it’s just me baby, you’re safe you’re okay, I’m not going anywhere’’.

He turns to look at the other two men, ‘’I’m not leaving her side. If you want to talk we’ll do it here’’.

It’s Haymitch who sighs, ‘’just carry her in the other room with you’’.

Annie is not connected to any tubes or wires, so he carefully takes her in his arms as Plutarch and Haymitch lead the way out the door.

Her hair still smells like lavender.

‘’Both of your trackers have been removed’’. Is the first thing Plutarch tells him as he sits down around a table with Annie in his lap.

‘’The Capitol is scrambling to figure out what happened and get communications back up, Finnick they took Johanna, Peeta and Enobaria’’.

Finnick runs a hand down his face, ‘’when are we getting them back?’’

‘’That will have to be worked out with President Coin, we’ll get them back I promise’’.

Finnick looks over to Haymitch, ‘’you said Katniss couldn’t do this without Peeta’’.

There’s more than just stress playing in the corner of Haymitch’s eyes, there is a deep sadness there, worry for Peeta.

‘’She’ll just have to survive without him until we can rescue him’’.

Plutarch places a bowl of soup, water and a roll before him but Finnick waves it off, he won’t eat until Annie does.

They update him on everything else they can, most of the districts are in open rebellion against the Capitol after Katniss destroyed the arena with her arrow.

It’s almost unbelievable that this is really happening, that one day soon it’ll all be over and they can go home, he’ll see the sunrise in District Four again.

Running a hand through Annie’s hair who’s faced is pressed into his neck, Finnick looks up to find Haymitch staring, ‘’you know your girl has a rebellious streak in her too’’.

‘’What do you mean?’’

‘’When Brutus was going to kill her she told him not to let Snow win’’.

The fear is an automatic response, it flows into him like lightning before he remembers that Snow can’t punish her here or in District 13 where she’ll stay until the inevitable war is over.

‘’I told you she could take care of herself when it came down to it’’.

Finnick just slightly smirks before bending down to kiss Annie’s hair, he’s rubbing slow circles into her back when her eyes flutter open. He’s never seen a prettier shade of green, so full and open and covered in light when the sun hits them. Annie blinks twice just focused on his face when she asks, ‘’real or not real?’’ Finnick cups the back of her head before replying, ‘’real’’, and his smile is so wide she copies the expression without even knowing why.

”I love you”.

Annie places her hand on his cheek, “I love you too”.

Annie stares at him for a moment longer before looking around and he’s telling her that everything is okay, he’ll explain what’s going on, but Plutarch is in her eyeline and she jumps, panic overtaking her cheeks. Survival instincts take over as she stands ready to run or grab the nearest object and fight, but Finnick carefully turns her to face him, puts both hands on her face and assures her everything is alright.

In a hushed whisper he explains everything, the plan for the arena, the rebellion, Katniss’ part in all of it, how they are flying to District 13, the victors that were taken to the Capitol. Annie listens silently with a frown on her face, and it’s there he sees the broken betrayal in her eyes when he says he’s been involved in the rebellion for months. That everything he’s done has been for the promise of a better world for them, for everyone, for their future.

He’s thinking of that ring in a drawer back home when Annie takes a step back from him, ‘’Peeta was taken?’’

‘’We’re going to get him back’’.

She looks around with tears in her eyes and the distance between them hits Finnick like a shock, worse than the tree from the arena. Finnick reaches out and for the first time Annie is shying away from his touch, overwhelmed with so much information. Those green eyes are wide as she searches his face in disbelief, in the knowledge that he lied to her for weeks and weeks.

‘’You lied to me’’.

‘’Annie’’.

Her name comes out as a plea, begging to understand.

‘’We don’t lie to each other Finn’’.

Her hand clutches her heart as if this is causing physical pain, and Finnick finds himself doing the same as tears fall down her cheeks.

‘’Baby I had to, I couldn’t tell you. Snow would have hurt you if you knew anything about the rebellion’’.

Annie shakes her head and takes another step away from him, ‘’Snow would have hurt me regardless and you know it’’.

To torture him, to punish him for this Snow would’ve done to Annie worse than he ever did to Finnick.

Finnick regrets the lies, but never his involvement in this or keeping her safe.

‘’This is our life Finn, you should have told me’’.

He shakes his head, ‘’I couldn’t risk it, I couldn’t risk you. I’m sorry’’.

‘’If it makes you feel any better Katniss and Peeta were in the dark too’’.

Annie glances over to Haymitch, ‘’I’m a victor too why wasn’t I given a say in this rebellion?’’

It’s Plutarch who replies, ‘’if you want to be involved we need all the bodies we can get’’.

The glare Finnick sends Plutarch has Haymitch whistling, ‘’I’d quit while you’re ahead there’’.

It honestly never occurred to Finnick that Annie may want to fight in this war for what Snow did to her family, for the light at a better future for them, their children.

But because he truly knows her she’s shaking her head and telling Finnick, ‘’you should have told me, I deserved to know’’.

There’s a moment of silence before Finnick nods to the food and water on the table, ‘’you should eat something Ann’’.

She grabs the water and walks away from him, ‘’I’m going to check on Katniss’’.

Finnick calls after her, ‘’I’m sorry’’.

She says nothing back.

She’s angry and rightfully so, but he’ll wait for her he always will.

He grabs a spare notebook and a pen and begins writing, sighing into his hand as he sits down as a poem begins to fill the pages.

My dearest Annie,

He never finishes that notebook.

Its still sitting there on that table, collecting dust.

Waiting.