Archive of Our Own ^beta

The morning came sooner than Merlin had hoped, and like a doll he watched Alicia enter and perform her duties. Alicia began to dress up a doll-like Merlin, too tired to move, to talk, to hear - to breathe. It doesn’t seem like Alicia minds, not that Merlin notices. Nor does he notice the two men leave. Alicia brings a table with a bowl of porridge on it.

Alicia sits down next to him and spoon feeds him, blowing on it and bringing it to his lips. it pushes against his lips but his mouth never opens. He doesn’t hear Alicia trying to coax him into eating and eventually she puts the spoon back in the bowl.

The door opens and… Arthur? enters the room. He doesn’t really listen to what Arthur has to say or watch what he does. He stays in his head most of the day; it seems easier. 

After Alicia tries to pry his mouth open with a soup filled spoon for the second time that day, she gives up and Merlin stares emptily at her. Two men are walking up to him, talking to him. He knows they can only be Leon and Mordred, yet he still thinks he might be wrong. 

For the first time today he opens his mouth and he can feel the silence in the room tingle across the surface of his skin. In a croaky voice, Merlin asks, “Can I go to the gardens?” He doesn’t really hear the answer, after not really looking for it. In the end, he realises Leon is helping him stand and Mordred is being cautious by his side.

He hates it. He hates how Leon’s holding him. He hates the gloves. He hates the invasion of privacy. He hates the personal maid. He hates it all. 

He attempts to shove Leon away, but his arms feel so weak that it is simply a touch among the man’s shoulders. Merlin doesn’t notice time moving as he walks through the halls or goes through doors, yet he notices when the cold brushes his skin. He hums at the fresh air.

Leon puts Merlin down on a cold stone bench and Merlin sits, hunched, a little shivery. It was cold out, yet he still enjoyed it. He hoped for rain, but he assumed he’d be taken inside if it did. Beneath his feet were rocky pebbles, mainly for design.

He slides his foot out of his shoe slightly, bringing his toes up to send the sole of the shoe into the pebbles. A medium, heavy, sharp stone falls into the inside of his shoe. He puts his shoe back on, a dull pain stabbing into his foot. 

Leon calls him to go back inside as darkness begins to drool over the world from the sky and as Merlin stands he can feel the increased weight of the stone, dragging his already sloppy steps.

Alicia gets him ready, changing him into his nightclothes. She was about to assist him in taking off his shoes and Merlin remembers the stone. For the second time today Merlin speaks, quite snappily but he speaks, “Are you just going to ignore the door?” he almost spits out. He’d feel bad if he had the will to care at the moment.

“Ah! Sorry, I didn’t hear it!” She smiles apologetically and makes her way to the door. Merlin usually wouldn’t hear it either, so he doesn’t mind. Merlin rolls the rock out of his shoe and tucks it under his mattress - safe. Alicia turns back confused and makes her way over to take off Merlin’s shoes, “Weird… there was nobody there.”

Merlin simply shrugs and finishes changing for the night. Alicia pulls on his soft night gloves and Merlin scratches and the feeling. “Can I not wear gloves today?” he asked with a huff. He was given a sympathetic look and Merlin let off a small, “Please?”

Alicia bit the inside of her bottom lip, thinking. “I don’t want to get you in any trouble.” Merlin shook his head, “Nothing will happen, I promise.” he whispered, lying so easily through his teeth. Alicia huffs and finally nods, agreeing. Merlin smiles as Alicia pulls off the gloves for him and the servant gives a small smile to him. 

She tucks him into bed and potters around the room, cleaning. Merlin huffs and tosses and turns, waiting for her to leave and blow out the candles. He assumed it was highly unlikely she would leave before the two men arrived. He squeezed his eyes shut tightly, feigning sleep. 

A knock on the door; Gwaine and Percival. “Goodnight Merlin!” She calls, greeting the two men and then slipping past them to turn in for the night. He kept his eyes shut and the men quietly entered the room and sat down. 

Merlin’s hand slipped down the side of the bed and took the large rock out of the mattress; the opposite side to where the man sat and the adjacent side to the window. It felt a lot bigger now that it was next to him. How did he even fit that in his shoe? Merlin shuffled his face under the blanket, moonlight peeking through the hem of the covers. Arthur would inspect his arms like he had today, when he came in during breakfast.

If he even did cut, he’d be reprimanded. That was a bit pointless. Irritated; he found himself scratching his arm. God was it a relief. He almost let out a sigh. He fumbled, putting the rock back in a rush. He scratches at his arms once so, pressing his face into the pillow. Tears brim his eyes and the tips of his fingers start to feel wet, peeling away at the flesh.

He doesn’t look. He just keeps digging and digging and digging. He deserves this. He deserves more. He should just die. Tears rolled down his cheeks, awkwardly falling down his neck and onto the pillow beneath him. His eyes swell with heaviness and he doesn’t bother identifying the leaking out of his arm, painting his fingers.

He knows what it is. He knows he’s going to be in trouble tomorrow.

He rolls over, arms still under the cover, facing Gwaine and Percival. His eyes are red and swollen from sleepiness and crying; they stay shut, half of his face hidden by the pillow. He tucks into himself, turned over his own body, wanting to fall asleep to forget about the burning pain engraving itself into his arm.

Tonight, sleep takes him.

It seemed first light when Merlin woke up again, by a large hand helping him sit. He didn’t want to sit, he wanted to lay back down and drown in his covers. He groaned and ripped open his eyes, sewed together with sleep. 

He was leaned against the headboard of the bed by the man. He felt cold. He tried to reach out for the blanket but his hand hit something hard. He blinked his vision through the blur and there was Percival.

He could hear some muttering but ignored it for the majority. His eyes traced his hand that accidentally hit into Percival’s shoulder. It felt   like someone had taken a match stick to a wound, cauterizing the edges of his skin. 

Instead of a marred outline of what Merlin assumed would be a wound, was a large patch of skin, dug out by his own nails. Blood painted the covers, his nail beds and his arm.

He must’ve rolled over some time in the night, giving the two men front-row seats to the massacre that was carved from his arm. He huffed and looked up at Percival, ears cleaning of that grating ringing. “Sorry.” he muttered, not really wanting to look at either of them anymore.

He watched Percival wipe down his arm with a damp cloth, not wincing over the burn. Gwaine passed him a solvent, which Percival messily poured over his arm. It felt like bubbling acid, crying on his injured flesh. His face scrunched up at it. Either everything was silent or he was too tired to hear.

Then his arms were messily covered in layers of white strips; padding over the wound, that definitely needed air, but Merlin didn’t say anything. Layers upon layers upon layers of wrapped bandaging, it was wrapped tightly until Gwaine shoved Percival and did it looser himself; the injury still squirmed between the noose for air, but Merlin didn’t say anything. Gwaine took Merlin’s hands carefully and slowly pulled gloves over them.

Merlin pathetically side eyed the night stand. He’s going to have to wear these every night now…right? Merlin was laid back down gently and the bloodstained cover was taken away from him. In return they gave him a thin quilt to shelter himself from the cold. He couldn’t seem to fall asleep after that. 

The sun had fully risen and Merlin had only slept with his eyes open from that point on. Alicia looked mortified to hear about what had happened and blamed herself. She apologised to Merlin repeatedly as she changed the bedding. 

Gwaine and Percival faced the wall quietly as Alicia helped Merlin change. Gwaine hadn’t really been himself since he saw the blood soaked into the quilt beneath Merlin’s arm; more quiet than anything.

Alicia sorted out the bandage properly, not only that she also tried to feed him some soft bakery bread, but there was no avail. It had officially been over a day since Merlin had anything to eat and Alicia was stressing over it. Merlin just shot her concerned looks and silently refused anything she offered. 

Although, she did manage to cut Merlin’s nails and make him wear gloves. Arthur knocked on the door and entered with Leon and Mordred, who were going to replace Gwaine and Percival. Merlin could see Lancelot standing in the doorway. Great, the whole gang is here. Where’s Elyan? Only him actually doing his job? Who's protecting Camelot? 

“What happened to his arm?” Merlin heard Arthur say and his head snapped up to the sound. Gwaine came closer to Arthur and whispered a few words into his ear. Arthur scrunched his face and tightened it at the information and then slowly walked over to Merlin. His eyes widened as the blonde neared and all he could find himself doing was apologising. 

“I-I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to- I’m sorry!” He said fast, not knowing how to explain himself. “Everyone leave.” Arthur gritted through his teeth. That meant Arthur and him were… going to be alone. He could… He could try to convince him, right? Merlin could convince Arthur to kill him. They were going to be alone. 

The people in the room left one by one and Lancelot rolled around the door, clutching it in his hand to hold for people as they left. The door was closed shut and then it was just the two.

Arthur pulled him close into a hug and Merlin froze up, getting pins and needles in places he didn’t know were possible. “Oh Merlin…” Arthur whispered softly. Merlin side eyed the back of his blonde head, confused. He’d heard that a lot recently. The blonde pulled back and wiped his thumb over Merlin’s cheek, leaving Merlin surprised.

“I will never truly understand how cruel fate has been to you.” he whispered gently, afraid the words would slice through his ears. Merlin could hear his heart tighten. Why didn’t Arthur hate him? Arthur should hate him. He simply doesn’t understand why. Arthur brought the loosely bandaged arm to the side of his own face. “…Arthur?” Merlin hoarsely whispered.

Arthur let off a soft smile, leaning into Merlin’s arm, “I’m glad you’re responsive today.” The blonde softly pressed his lips against Merlin’s injury; a chaste kiss. Merlin’s eyes widened and he blinked a few times, processing what had just happened. Arthur softly put Merlin’s arm down, onto Merlin’s lap. 

Why did Arthur kiss Merlin? Arthur needs to stay away from Merlin. Arthur is a good person and Merlin is a bad person. Arthur should hate Merlin for what he’s done. Merlin isn’t even good enough to be in Arthur’s presence; he’s nothing but a servant and a traitor. 

“Please stop…” Arthur whispered kindly. Merlin blinked for a few seconds, still a little confused. All Merlin could think was - Why did Arthur refuse to kill him? Merlin was blunt. Blunt like his nails, that still managed to scratch.

“Why didn’t you kill me that day?” he said, eyes draining of any life they had before. Arthur’s heart pulsed and his face tightened. Arthur opened his mouth to speak but thought again. “Why would I want to kill you, Merlin?” he asked. Of course Arthur would answer a question with a question - he had the right to reject doing anything. He was the king!

“I’m a sorcerer. I’m evil. I’m magic; you hate ma-”

“I don’t hate magic, now that I know the truth. I don’t know what possibly possessed me to hate something I had no concrete knowledge of. You're not a sorcerer, since you were born with magic… Lancelot told me. You’re not evil either. You have, single handedly, done more good for Camelot than any knight or soldier, or even I, perhaps. You’ve only killed for the sake of camelot and myself. I am in great debt to you, Merlin. You have my sincere gratitude.”

“Killing people for any reason doesn’t make me any less human. I’m the most powerful being on earth, surely Lancelot told you that. With all this power,  I should have saved so many and I couldn’t save anyone. I’ve never been able to, really.” Merlin pours his heart out to Arthur, telling him what’s been locked in the back of his mind all this time. 

Arthur places his hand over Merlin’s, “Yes, but you’re missing all the lives you’ve saved. You’re missing all the times you’ve just saved me . Who cares if you killed a few people in my name? Soldiers do it all the time - you’re doing it with good reason . It’s either them or us and we have to look out for us.” Merlin huffed, resting his head on Arthur’s shoulder.

“Most of them had some sort of justification in their actions and I'd still kill for you… even now. Even if you were severely wrong, I’d still kill for you. It’s not that either, it’s not the fact that they all have families, it’s the fact I can’t even save people who are in the right.” Merlin whispered, spilling all his secrets.

“We can’t always save everyone and that’s okay.” Arthur says, stroking Merlin’s hair. Merlin leaned into the familiar touch, the blonde’s armour hurting his head a little. “It’s different. It’s like how you feel about Camelot. I’m the most powerful man on earth and what use am I, if I can’t even save the people I love?” Merlin grits out, clutching Arthur’s iron armour.

The soft, gentle hand running through his hair calms him. “Who are you talking about?” Arthur asked, thoughtfully. “Will, Freya… My father. Almost killed Gaius and my mother - in the same day.” 

Arthur left a gap of air to breathe before responding, “I know what happened with Will. I realise it was you now. He took the blame for you. To save you… from me.”

Merlin nodded silently and Arthur continued, “Who was Freya? And I thought you had never met your father. What happened with Gaius and your mother?” Merlin took a deep inhale and stood up, pulling away from Arthur. He pointed to the bed and Arthur raised an eyebrow. Merlin rolled his eyes and nudged Arthur closer to the middle of the bed.

He climbed onto the bed next to Arthur and pushed Arthur down by his shoulders, falling next to him. Merlin curled into Arthur and the blonde tensed a little - confused. “Just hold me, please. I’ll tell you.” Merlin whispers. 

Arthur blushes, disoriented, but complies anyway. His arm falls over Merlin, spooning him. Merlin can feel Arthur’s slightly unsteady breath at the back of his neck.

Merlin gulped, “Long stories short; me and you met my father together and he died only after a few days of knowing him, the Gaius and my mother story is confusing but in the end I killed Nimueh and… you killed Freya.” Arthur froze and sat up, “I did what?!” Arthur asked, concerned.

 Merlin side eyed him, “Can you lay down again first?” Arthur slowly nodded and laid down, tense. “What do you want in specifics first?” Merlin asked. Arthur blew out harsh air and his eyes widened a little. “In chronological order.” Merlin nodded. 

“I don’t quite remember, but Freya was first. She was a cursed druid. About 8 years ago, close to when I first met you.” Arthur gulped and held him a little tighter.

“She was beautiful. Yet she was cursed to be a murderous wolf when the moon came out and a sweet girl during the day.” Arthur nods into Merlin’s nape. “I remember that... The bastet. I didn’t know, I’m sorry.” Merlin turned over and curled in closer to Arthur’s warmth. “You don’t need to apologise. You were doing what’s best for your people.” 

After a few moments of silence, Arthur speaks, “You sound like you truly loved her.” Merlin bites the inside of his cheek. “I didn’t know her for long. I liked her though. We kissed once. When she died, I sent her on the Lake of Avalon, in a boat. She became the Lady of the Lake.”

Arthur’s brows furrowed, “Lady of the Lake?” Merlin nods into Arthur’s collarbone, their legs slowly intertwining. “Yes. I can usually talk to her in any body of water that’s sourced from the Lake of Avalon.” Arthur nods, not really understanding, but wanting Merlin to feel comfortable. 

The two indulged in the simmered silence and Merlin finally spoke up again, “Will was next. You know that story. I believe it was my father after that.” Arthur nods, “So how did- How did.. We meet him?” Merlin fiddles with his fingers, looking down at them, pressing his head against Arthur’s shoulder. 

“He- He was the last dragonlord.” Arthur took his hand off of Merlin’s head shuffling back to face him, legs still intertwined. Their eyes met and Merlin suddenly thought the nightstand behind Arthur was a work of art.

“You’re telling me… you were grieving your father? And I- I didn’t know, you- I was so focused on Camelot, I didn’t consider anything at a-” Merlin rubs a hand over his own face and interrupts him. 

“With good reason Arthur. Your last hope of your entire country burning down had just died. It was my fault any of that happened anyway, my father didn’t deserve the pain, but looking back on it now I probably did-” Merlin says, trying not to laugh. 

Arthur strokes Merlin’s cheek gently, “Merlin! Don’t say that. Of course you didn’t! What could you have possibly done to cau-”

“I set the dragon free.” He states, looking straight into Arthur’s eyes. 

A flash of anger and then a blur of pain and betrayal. Arthur pulled away, wincing. He untangled their legs and Merlin rolled over facing the ceiling. Arthur sat up, leaning on his arm, facing Merlin. “Why would you do that?” Arthur asks. “Had to. I promised him.” He states nonchalantly. “Why- Why were you talking with a dragon? Why would you agree to free it?” Arthur begged.

Merlin huffed, “Let me explain. He was my main source of information. He sounded really smart, but he was wrong about some things. His hatred for Uther drove him insane in that cave - I think. 20 years is a long time. When I met him he told me of the prophecies between us. Who we were meant to be. 2 halves of the same whole - 2 sides of the same coin. I guess that’s what drove me insane.” 

Merlin’s eyes flicked to Arthur before he continued, “In short, Morgause sent an army of immortal men. You can only kill them with your sword that I forged for you, sorry about lying about that by the way - I had to get your moral up.”

“In exchange for giving me information to kill an immortal being, he wanted to be freed. I agreed as long as he didn’t do anything. He lied obviously. We won, I set him free, he attacked. The ki- Your father sent us to go find the last dragonlord, who I realised was my father - Balinor. We found him, had a few days together, and he died. We went back to Camelot and you fought. After my father died, I became a dragonlord, making Kilgharrah my kin-”

“Stop, stop, stop. You’re giving it a name, You’re saying to me right now - You let the dragon terrorise my country and kill so many, because you had similar blood?” Merlin glares at him. “No- Merlin- I was fighting my arse off and so many people lost their lives, fighting or hiding. And you did nothing? And simply waited for me or the dragon to die?!” Arthur said, getting louder with each ‘realisation’.

Merlin blanks, not thinking about wanting Arthur to be so mad to kill him, but of defending himself. “No! I couldn’t just go out and say I was a Dragonlord so I could help and then be executed! I forced Kilgharrah to play dead by commanding him and then banished him to never come back or hurt people again. We are okay now and he helps me from time to time, whenever I call him. He should be raising the dragon we found actually.”

Arthur blanks and flops back down, next to Merlin, “Sorry for… accusing you instantly. It won’t harm my people again, right?” Merlin nods and the both stare at each other for a few moments. “Will you show me the dragon?” Arthur whispers. Merlin hesitates, “Sure.” 

They both turn, bodies facing each other, laying down. “Have you used magic today?” Arthur hushed out. Merlin shakes his head. “Can you show me?” He asks, softly. Merlin tilts his head confused, but agrees nevertheless. 

He did the same trick he did with Gwaine. He whipped close the shutters, caging the 2 in darkness.

“ Amtruo.”

Merlin harnessed the light of the candles, burning as they swirled just above their heads. Arthur took a glimpse of the fire, shaping into the Camelotian Dragon from the crest. Was magic beauty? Merlin had simply waved his hand and yet he could conjure such magnificent things. 

Arthur’s eyes trailed over Merlin, moving away from the fire. Merlin watched the fire dance and Arthur watched the gold glow of the fiery magic whirling and burning in Merlin’s eyes.

“Magic really is ethereal.” Arthur softly whispers, indulged in the pool of expanding liquid gold - the greatest of treasures - in Merlin’s eyes. Merlin’s hand stayed in the air, keeping the fire still. His eyes slid over to Arthur’s gaze. A pool of happiness fluttered in the remains of his corpse-stomach. Arthur liked magic. Arthur liked him. His teeth trembled as a soft smile spread across his cheeks. It was the little moments. Arthur smiled at the sight of Merlin’s grin. 

Arthur shuffled a little closer instinctively, laying his hand gently on Merlin’s cheek. He brushed his thumb across it softly. Merlin’s lips parted, a small gush of air leaving his mouth. He leaned into the warmth of Arthur’s hand. The raven-haired man’s heart skipped a beat and the two looked deep into each other’s soul. The fire blew out and the two didn’t move, sheltered by each other in the depths of the dark.

Merlin’s eyes flashed to Arthur’s lips and back. Arthur did the same, biting the inside of his own bottom lip and his eyes trailed back up to Merlin’s, now icy blue, eyes. Merlin felt his body slowly moving towards Arthur.

A sudden knock at the door. “Sire? How much longer are you going to be? You have a meeting soon.” George called loudly through the door. Arthur and Merlin ripped themselves backwards - Arthur pulling at the roots of his hair and Merlin pressing the palm of his hand into his lips. What just happened? 

Arthur raspily called out, “I’ll be there in a minute!” Merlin muttered a word and the shutters flew open, light blinding its way into the room. Arthur blew out a large wave of his air, making his way to the door.

“We can- Sorry- I shouldn’t- I shouldn’t have taken advantage of you like that. We can discuss anything else at another time.” he says, piecing the words together as he speaks. Before Merlin can say anything, Arthur’s whirled out the room, closing the door behind him. 

Taking… taken advantage of him? Which part was he taken advantage of? Does Arthur think he wouldn’t want that? Does Arthur not want him because he’s a servant? Because he has magic? Because he’s too weak? Because he’s like some useless doll?

Merlin spends the day questioning every mistake he’s ever made, assuring himself his worth is nothing compared to Arthur. It’s not even nothing, it’s in the negatives. He wallowed in silence, now ignoring everyone like the previous day. He had built up so much frustration against himself he ended up crying numbly. 

All he could feel was a pounding in his head and empty, heavy tears rolling down his face. People rushed around him to say anything, ask why he was crying - he assumed. He simply rolled over and cried into the pillow.

Leon forced him to sit up after a while. Rather than Alicia, the blonde poked bread at his lips. Merlin refused it, holding his breath, only when he gagged is when Leon replaced the bread with a wooden cup. Merlin took 2 slow sips of the water, but choked on the last one. Leon held him steady and Mordred attempted to rub his back - Merlin squirmed away. 

Alicia was sent home early that day and Gwaine ended up changing Merlin. He did it with his eyes closed, scared to look upon the scars that were buried deep into Merlin’s skin. Merlin’s eyes skimmed over the greying bandage. Gloves rolled over them. Merlin was assisted in laying down. Alone on the bed, but never alone in the room.

He rolled over, facing away from the two men. He rolled down the glove and pulled his bandage loose, effectively ruining it. Fresh air brushed over his skin, tingling over the edges of scratches. Merlin doesn’t see an issue in cutting, this bandage will be removed in at least a week. He hunched over himself in a way that the two men’s views were blocked. 

He pushes his hand under the bed, pulling out the dirty rock. He vaguely prayed it wouldn’t cause an infection before stabbing it into his sensitive flesh and pressing his lips together tightly. He never thought he’d do something like this in a room with other people inside.

If he were to hide them under the bandages, there wasn’t actually much space to cut vertically and he could only really fit at least 5 horizontal lines. He managed 8, overlapping them. He let the wound breathe a little, catching any blood with the inside of his dark night shirt. 

Once the blood stopped. He rewrapped it, covering it with padding. He messily shoved the rock back under the bed and side eyed Gwaine and Percival. Silent, eyes lingering over Merlin’s back every so often. Merlin falls asleep that night. He woke up at least 6 times and the last one ended in a nightmare. 

The sun creeped through the glass and curtains and Merlin found himself unable to sleep - again. He opted that there was no point in attempting.