Work Text:
That was the fourth time in three months that Han Joo-won had parked his car a few meters away from paradise. Below that steep hill leading up to the house, the bricks of the walls looked the same, completely worn by time, and the gate leading to the house remained the same tangled metal. Everything looked the same, and that scared him.
From inside that safe and warm place, all he could do was observe. His car had transformed into a kind of cocoon that kept him protected from the truth circulating outside. "What is Lee Dong-sik doing now?" he always wondered every time he came here. One hour and thirty minutes: that was the time he spent observing Lee Dong-sik's house.
Sometimes, Han Joo-won would even get distracted by the wind circulating near that house, being absorbed by the only thing that mattered or the only person who mattered. This contemplative moment would last until he felt the soft vibration of his watch, which warned him that it was time to return. Then, leaving that world where he orbited anything that was near Lee Dong-sik, he would start the car and say goodbye for the next few days.
Han Joo-won's routine consisted of two things: working as best as he could and thinking about Lee Dong-sik. Then, he would return to his small house, noticing how everything was in its proper place. There was a small rug at the entrance that helped control the dust his shoes brought in from a long day of work; right after it came his slippers, which were always on the left side of the door; then there was the small hook where he put his keys, always the house key first, followed by the car key. Living in a small town brings novelties, if they can be called that. The first "novelty" he had to get used to was keys instead of an electronic lock.
All these small rituals helped him keep his mind calm; that was the only place where he could do everything the right way and not regret almost anything. Certainly, Han Joo-won regretted many things, some heavier than others. The lightest of his regrets was allowing Kwon Hyuk's visits, even though having familiar company was good, something he would never admit.
Sometimes, he would go straight to the shower when he arrived, and other times he would sit on the sofa and spend a good part of the time looking at his messages. Naturally, he received many messages from his friends, a term that still burned his tongue, but it was true, Joo-won had friends. Some messages were long, and others were just greetings or random things.
The less common and almost sporadic messages were from Oh Ji-hwa. She always said she missed his demands during group dinners and that he should show up or she would come get him, something he didn't doubt. He always replied simply and politely, adding "Noona" to satisfy Ji-hwa. He would say that he would appear when he was free and that he missed everyone, which was not a lie. Joo-won had come to care deeply for that group that considered him part of the family.
Obviously, the shorter and more random messages he received came from Oh Ji-hoon. "Hyung, I miss you. Show up soon and let's drink soju" or "Hyung, send me a picture of yourself, are you still handsome?", these messages always put a fond smile on Joo-won's face. Ji-hoon had become the image of a younger brother to him; Joo-won felt like a distant older brother who took a while to reply but always did.
"I'll show up soon. Don't drink too much, I won't carry you home" and "Where do you get these questions?". There was a lot of affection in these small relationships that were built little by little, like a bridge, stone by stone, and that in the end solidified into something as strong as iron. Those people accepted him for who he was, and that was something greater than he had ever thought he deserved.
Finally, there were the messages that were most difficult to answer, or rather, the messages he didn't know how to answer; they came from Jae-yi. Sporadically, she kept him updated on Lee Dong-sik. He didn't know exactly when it all started and was afraid that if he went back through all the messages to find out, he would get lost for hours on end. Jae-yi was the type who wrote everything she needed to say in a single message, and in the middle of so many words, the one that stood out the most or was repeated the most was just one... there was no need to mention names, after all, there was only one name that hammered in his mind daily to the point of leaving a permanent mark within his being.
These updates always started with a greeting and then the main subject. These were the messages that mattered most and took the longest to arrive, as the only events reported were the special ones or those that were somehow important. Like when Jae-yi recounted that Dong-sik was finally organizing his house's garden, he was planting flowers. He had finally allowed himself the right to clean up all that mess that, deep down, was more internal than external. "What are the colors of the flowers? Is he wearing gloves?", these were the questions he thought when he read. Dong-sik was making a new garden, but he still hadn't moved the broken angel statues; perhaps starting with the garden was already a big enough step, and for now, he didn't need to do anything else. Step by step, one thing at a time.
Joo-won remembered those statues as if they were in front of him; he remembered kneeling, crying at Lee Dong-sik's feet. He remembered wanting absolution, a forgiveness that can only be granted from a saint to a sinner.
After that event, the next message came a month later. This time, Dong-sik called all his friends to help him tidy up the lake house. That wasn't just any house, that was Nam Sang-bae's house. How many times had he thought about kneeling for hours in front of that house or bowing to the ground with his head lying in the dust while begging for forgiveness, while waiting for forgiveness, even if it came from a ghost. Anything was better than silence, and yet, that forgiveness would never come.
Apparently, Lee Dong-sik was sorting out Chief Nam's things, putting some clothes for donation and storing some papers, while the others had a barbecue near the lake. Jae-yi says that Dong-sik seems calm and at peace even while handling the belongings of the deceased. Joo-won remembers that even the slightest sign of suffering was his fault. Apparently, Dong-sik had placed a photo of Chief Nam in the living room, near an old photo of his own. The afternoon was calm, she said. "The seasons are changing and you still haven't come to visit us," she always said.
The last message came at the beginning of the month: Dong-sik had opened his sister's room after years of it being closed. He did it alone, didn't call anyone, and then just told everyone that night. Everything was the same as years ago, it seemed that that small space had been frozen in time, he said. Joo-won wonders if Dong-sik feels peace or sadness in that place, if the old memories of good times can outweigh the sad memories; he wonders if Dong-sik needs a hug.
He wonders if he deserves to hug him.
Along with these messages, sometimes photos would come. They were always photos of the group during some celebration, and Joo-won would lose himself for hours observing everything. He attentively saw every detail, from the food on the table, the drinks, the different haircuts, the smiles, and the marks of time. He observed everything as if he could transport himself to that moment that was now just a memory.
He never replied to these messages, not because he avoided them, but because he didn't know what to say, and deep down he felt guilty for knowing about Lee Dong-sik's life. Jae-yi seemed to understand this, as just the confirmed views seemed to be enough for her to continue sending her updates.
~~
A cold breeze entered from somewhere in the house and woke Lee Dong-sik; first, the chill, and then the twinge in his knee. Looking around and noticing the darkness that filled the place, Dong-sik knew that it hadn't just been a nap. Gathering the courage to get up from the small comfortable spot that had molded to his body during the hours of sleep, he finally stood up. Groping along the walls to find the light switch in the living room, he could have used the flashlight on his cell phone, but for the thousandth time he didn't know where it was.
Bending down slightly to see the bright numbers on the kitchen clock, he realized he was tired after a long day trying to organize the garden. Dong-sik began to notice the passage of time when he got tired after a few hours of bending down and digging holes. He realized that he was no longer that young man who used to help his father prune the flowers while Yu-yeon sat at the entrance of the house, protecting herself from the scorching summer sun. It wouldn't be long before his mother brought lemonade for the three of them; that was the sign that it would be a great afternoon.
After almost 25 years, Dong-sik felt at peace to finally take care of things the way his parents did. He notices the passage of time when he tries to imagine Yu-yeon at the same age he is now, and then he remembers that she will be eternally young. "Should sleep and rest these old bones," he said to himself.
When he finally turned on the lights, Dong-sik noticed that the sky outside was cloudy, and the wind was blowing in a way that reminded him of voices from beyond. If this were a horror movie, this would be the ideal night for a monster to come and disturb the residents. "The monsters of this town are finally gone," he thought as he observed the atmosphere outside his house.
"I hope he doesn't come today!" The whisper left his lips so low that he wondered if he had thought it or said it. Obviously, Lee Dong-sik had noticed that car that had been visiting him for the past few months; he didn't need to see the owner to know who it was. After Han Gi-hwan's imprisonment, his own time incarcerated, and Joo-won's voluntary transfer to the missing persons unit, the latter had disappeared like a ghost for two whole years. No news, no visits. The last time they saw each other at Jae-yi's restaurant seemed like a silent goodbye.
After two years and a few months, that ghost was back, slowly materializing. Starting with the period when Joo-won didn't even park, he would pass by the house once or twice and then leave; then he started parking his car timidly at a distance that Dong-sik wondered if the young inspector could see anything; long weeks later, he started parking next to the house. At first, Dong-sik thought this was Joo-won's way of approaching little by little and on his own terms. After months of waiting for a knock on the door, Dong-sik began to think that this would be a difficult step for Joo-won.
"Please, don't come today," he thought again. The weather was horrible, and a storm would probably fall upon that small town like a flood. "He won't come, he'll be reasonable and responsible." Who was Dong-sik trying to fool? No unexpected weather event would prevent Joo-won from coming here if he wanted to, and that's what scared him.
Distracted from his thoughts by a twinge in his back, Dong-sik left the small window in his door and headed towards the kitchen. After opening a small drawer in the cabinet intended for his medications, he took two: one for his back and one for his knee. Time had really passed…
The cold inside the house made him think about making tea, and then Dong-sik filled an old kettle and put it on to boil. He should go upstairs and sleep, he thought again, but something was stopping him, and deep down he knew what it was: he was worried about Joo-won.
Dong-sik had spent a lot of time wondering about Joo-won's life after everything: what he ate after work, what his new hobby was, if he had new friends... In the end, he wanted to know how Joo-won really was. He wondered if Joo-won still felt guilty, if it was guilt that kept him away from the people who loved him.
The kettle whistled with a piercing sound that broke the silence of that place. It was already 2:00 in the morning. How long had he been standing there thinking? Dong-sik wondered as he picked up a jasmine tea bag and two mugs that were gifts from Ji-hoon on his last birthday. There were always two mugs placed on the table, but only one was filled and used; the other would sit on the table for hours until it was put away again.
With a long sigh, Dong-sik returned to the living room, checking the weather outside once more, and this time the raindrops began to fall lightly as if they were leaves from a tree. "It's still early for him to be out there," he knew, it was still very early.
Returning to the sofa, Dong-sik sat down, observing the space, the small changes he had been making, like changing the rugs on the floor or the order of the portraits resting on the furniture. Soon his eyes were drawn back to the book beside him, the book he had been reading before falling asleep. Upon opening that small cluster of pages, he immediately remembered that this scene would probably surprise his mother and sister. Who would have thought that Lee Dong-sik was reading a book and not out seeing his friends...
Well, that book was about flower cultivation techniques and soil types; he never imagined it would be so difficult to take care of a garden. His parents made it look so easy; they didn't use any kind of fertilizer, and yet everything turned out perfectly. "Don't worry, I'll manage." This had become his new habit: talking to his family. Maybe they could actually hear him.
After a long period of reading and getting lost in memories, the storm finally fell heavily on the roof; the sound resembled bullets being fired. The thunder was so loud that it seemed to stir the inside of his body, like a kind of force that shook him. The lightning made the street look brighter than the inside of the house. Quickly getting up to check the time and if anyone was outside, he realized it was already 3:55.
Calming his anxiety, Dong-sik went towards the kitchen again, hoping that the next 5 minutes would pass with the speed of light. "He's not there yet, Joo-won will always be punctual in everything." Taking a deep breath and looking at the cup on the table as an excuse not to look at the clock every second, this small amount of time really passed quickly.
It was already 4:00 in the morning, that was the time, that was always the time. Trying not to run to the window and to act in a manner somewhat befitting his age, he finally arrived there and noticed, to his relief or disappointment, that Joo-won wasn't there. Feelings changed as quickly as a sigh when a familiar light crossed the corner of his house and finally stopped beside it. "There he is."
Maybe this is the day Joo-won will finally come to him properly, maybe because of the rain or for any reason. Maybe it's today. That hope fades as the rain increases. "What is he still doing there, after so many months?" that thought hammers in his mind. "What is he observing anyway, the walls, the neighbors' houses that never change, or the garden that is now different?" It doesn't matter, after all, the rain was getting stronger and stronger, and Dong-sik knew that soon Joo-won would turn his car around and leave. Which was very worrying for him, at least today.
Without hesitating, Dong-sik opened his house door and was greeted by a wind so cold it almost felt like winter. He raised his hands, gesturing for Joo-won to approach, and at a certain moment, convinced that Joo-won couldn't see him, Dong-sik cupped his hands in front of his lips and shouted, after a long time, the name that was only pronounced in his mind: - Han Joo-won, come inside, it's raining a lot.
Maybe he hadn't heard either, due to all the noise of the rain at that moment, and so Dong-sik went back inside, put on his boots and a thicker coat, and went out into the rain. Crossing the garden and finally reaching the gate, he could see Joo-won's figure inside the car; he looked surprised. Dong-sik called him again, this time looking at his face, but it seemed that the other person couldn't understand the words coming out of his mouth.
Already completely soaked, Dong-sik left his property and stood beside the driver's window, and yet Joo-won seemed lost, looking at Dong-sik as if he were some kind of alien. The trance was only broken when Dong-sik knocked on the car window, which immediately lowered. - You can come into my house, Joo-won, you will always be welcome there. These words made Joo-won part his lips, but say nothing. Dong-sik opened the car door and took the other's hand, which was trembling as if he were cold. Without question, Joo-won turned off the car and got out, being guided by Dong-sik through the rain to the house.
The shock was still in his being, in fact, it should have been as transparent as glass. There he was, Dong-sik. The way to the house was quick, but it felt like everything had its own time. As soon as they crossed the gate, despite knowing it was less than a minute until they reached the door, Joo-won still had time to get lost in the garden. Flowers of all kinds, holes in the ground, and bags of something that looked like fertilizer. Everything was there, except the angel statues. Where were they? Without realizing how he got there, he was already inside the house, completely soaked and wetting Dong-sik's floor.
Joo-won watched attentively as Dong-sik took off his own boots and coat, put on a pair of slippers, quickly ran to a small room next to the living room, and returned with two towels, a new pair of slippers still in their packaging, and a change of clothes. "Did he say anything?" Joo-won couldn't tell; all he saw was the image of Dong-sik soaked because of him and with a towel over his own head. He offered the towel to Joo-won first.
-Don't worry, the towel and slippers are new. Quick, take off your coat and shoes!
None of that mattered; he would accept anything offered by Dong-sik, even if it made his skin itch. Following the instructions, he took off his shoes, then his socks and his coat. Soon he started drying his hair.
-These clothes belong to Ji-hoon, he forgot them here a few weeks ago. They're clean!
How could he refuse to wear the clothes of someone who had welcomed him so deeply and called him Hyung? Quickly, he accepted the clothes, the slippers, and was then guided to the first-floor bathroom. He had been there before; in fact, he had rummaged through everything in that house in the past, but this was the first time he had observed things in their proper place. Everything was perfect, not because everything was conventionally tidy, but because they were exactly where they should be.
Joo-won quickly tidied himself up, and when he came out of the bathroom, he was greeted with a steaming mug of tea.
-I know this tea isn't to your liking, but it will...
Dong-sik didn't need to finish; Joo-won took the mug in his hands and took a quick sip, without question. He would drink anything, even if it was cheap jasmine tea; it was perfect.
The tea made its way down, burning his lips first, then his tongue, then his throat, and finally reaching his stomach. It didn't matter, none of that mattered.
-Don't burn yourself, Joo-won!
That affectionate smile that Dong-sik always had for his friends was directed at Joo-won now. He couldn't say anything; he had the impression that he opened his lips several times, but couldn't utter a single word. He was easily distracted by his adoration for Dong-sik.
-Come, sit down.
The two sat down next to each other, Dong-sik in a more casual manner, after all it was his house, and Joo-won tried to maintain his posture and look presentable even after everything. There was something different about Dong-sik; it wasn't just the change of clothes or the amount of time he hadn't seen him in person, it was something else. He couldn't stop looking at him, as if he were the most precious thing in existence, like a Catholic looks at the image of a saint and kneels at their feet without expecting anything in return.
Dong-sik seemed to notice everything; he seemed to be aware even of the thoughts forming in his mind.
-I got a haircut, it's been a while. I wanted to look younger!
First came the realization of noticing that his hair was indeed shorter than in the last photo Jae-yi had sent, and then he realized the rest of the sentence. A sigh of disbelief escaped him, the first thing he had done since arriving there. "You don't need to look younger, you're not old," he wanted to say all of that, but he could only look at Dong-sik and change direction when their eyes were locked on each other for too long.
-Well, I see I still have a little charm to boast about.
A flirt always came, Dong-sik always did that. Joo-won wondered if it was just a way to improve the conversation or if he was just telling the truth. Either way, that was the truth for Joo-won; he remains beautiful, the most beautiful human being he has ever seen.
Dong-sik got up and went to the kitchen. In the meantime, Joo-won took the opportunity to let his eyes wander around the room. There were different things, like the rugs and the order of those photos that had remained untouched for a long time. What caught his attention the most was a book on the coffee table; it was a book about gardening. He picked up the small book and leafed through it, noting that many of the flowers in the garden were indicated in the book. Now Dong-sik liked flowers and gardens, it seemed lovely.
-Well, I finally started messing with that thing!
There was Dong-sik sitting beside him. When had he returned? When had Joo-won finished his own tea? He didn't know, he just listened attentively while observing the garden and its owner.
-You know, it all happened after a dream. My mother was pulling my ear and calling me a brat. She scolded me until I promised to take care of the garden.
He spoke between small sips of his tea, and Joo-won just watched that man with such attention that he could identify even when Dong-sik swallowed his tea.
-The next day I woke up early, bought some equipment and the book. It's a good book.
Joo-won believed it; he subtly felt a small smile form on his face.
That wasn't the first of the night, it was just the first one he noticed.
And then, after a while, his watch vibrated on his wrist, drawing both of their attention. It was time to go... How was it possible that all those events had lasted only 1 hour and 30 minutes? It felt like an eternity, it felt like paradise.
Dong-sik got up, took his mugs, and headed towards the kitchen. Joo-won followed him, he didn't know why. He watched Dong-sik take a container that seemed to hold food from his refrigerator. Without question, he placed the small container in a bag and handed it to Joo-won.
-Jae-yi brought this earlier for dinner, take it with you. To remember your home.
His home. Not that ugly apartment in Seoul or his father's monstrous house, no. What Dong-sik meant was that Manyang was Joo-won's place, that was his true home.
His hands trembled slightly as he accepted the bag. Dong-sik was giving him his dinner. How could he deserve all this, how could he accept it? His vision slowly blurred, and he lowered his head to hide it. And Dong-sik noticed, because he always noticed everything.
Being gently guided to the door, he had forgotten about his clothes, the floor wet from his shoes, and having come to disturb Dong-sik.
-About your clothes, don't worry, I'll wash them as best as I can, and then they'll be ready when you come to visit me again.
There were the sweetest words anyone had ever said to him; they weren't just any words, they were the words of someone so special that he almost became a saint in his eyes. Joo-won wanted to say something, wanted to go quickly and at the same time skip work and stay. He needed to go now, or he wouldn't have time to return to the other city and go to work; if it wasn't now, it would be the first time he would be late since being transferred. There was no better reason to be late, or rather, that would be the only reason capable of making him forget time.
-Go, don't be late for work. Don't take too long to come back, Joo-won, or I'll have to come get you.
Joo-won walked through the door still wearing the slippers given by Dong-sik, and already outside the house, as the first rays of light finally appeared on the horizon, he remembered Ji-hoon's clothes, but as always, Dong-sik was faster.
-I'm sure he'll be happy to know you were here, everyone will be.
When Dong-sik comforted him and said that, he felt as if a weight had lifted from his chest. He felt that nothing else mattered: not his sins, nor who he was or whose son he was, not even his guilt mattered anymore. All that mattered were those words.
-Dong-sik-ssi...
His voice came out hoarse, as if it hadn't been used for years; the truth was that his voice had become unaccustomed to pronouncing that name loudly and clearly.
-I know, drive carefully!
He knew, he always knew, and with that, Joo-won headed towards his car. Everything looked different, even the air seemed changed, and his car no longer felt like a prison of empathy.
He would return, he always returned.