Chapter Text
CHAPTER 4 – ONLY FOREVER (AND BOSWORTH WAS RIGHT).
Saturday evening
Audrey had taken food to Siegfried on a tray again, and she had left him to eat it in peace in his study - which he had managed to come down to - whilst she ate in the kitchen with Helen, James and Jimmy. As much as Siegfried loved the usual noise of Skeldale, Jimmy had been crying, and his beer-induced headache was not compatible with being in the immediate vicinity on this occasion. When Audrey placed the tray on his desk, Siegfried had hurriedly squirreled away a piece of paper that he had been scribbling on. “Don’t work too hard, Mr Farnon, today is supposed to be a day off. Invoices can wait until tomorrow”, she advised gently.
“What? Oh, yes, of course, quite right! Thank you for this, it smells delicious!” He beamed, his eyes twinkling with appreciation.
After dinner in the kitchen with Helen and James and Jimmy, Audrey had gone out to walk Jess and Dash around the market square, thinking about how and when she ought to let her friend and employer know her feelings for him. She was to-ing and fro-ing over whether she had misinterpreted his recent affectionate nature around her or not. And if he did care for her the way she hoped, should she let him acknowledge it first? The last thing she wanted to do was assume and misfire and inadvertently make him feel compelled to stand by her out of gentlemanliness, much like Edward Ferrars did with Lucy Steele in Sense and Sensibility, which she had re-read the week before. As Dash pulled her along, she thought: Oh, how I long for an ending like the one Jane Austen gave Edward Ferrars and Elinor Dashwood! Two dear friends, soulmates, finally free to acknowledge one another!
Audrey arrived back after half an hour, and found herself alone in the kitchen. She went to her table in the corner, as was her routine, and placed her coat on the back of the chair and unpinned her hat and placed it on her desk. Next, she noticed a letter in an envelope, propped up against her pencil pot. The letter was addressed simply to ‘Audrey’. She recognised Siegfried’s handwriting immediately, though she’d never seen her first name written in his hand. She knit her brows, opened and unfolded the note, took a breath, and read. She wondered if it might be an abashed apology from Siegfried, for coming in drunk at 4am and making a bit of a fool of himself.
Dearest Audrey,
I really do hope this letter finds you well. There is something I have been trying to say - tentatively with actions and not words - for a while now, but I have been somewhat afraid of saying anything specific that might chase you from Skeldale or cause you inconvenience or annoyance. As you know, I am no Shakespeare, nor Byron, nor Blake. Too often I put my foot in my mouth when it comes to expressing myself. Alright, I always somehow manage to put my foot in my mouth when it comes to expressing myself, as well you know!
I was recalling the lyrics of one of the songs I sang last night (three times, no less, so you say Maggie advises!). I think I must have done because I felt these lyrics deeply in my heart. It is a favourite of mine, when it comes on the wireless, and the words, well, they resonate. Today I reflect why; it is how I feel about you, and about us, dear Audrey.
‘Do I want to be with you
As the years come and go?
Only forever
If you care to know
Would I grant all your wishes
And be proud of the task?
Only forever
If someone should ask
How long would it take me
To be near if you beckon?
Off hand I would figure
Less than a second
Do you think I'll remember
How you looked when you smile?
Only forever
That's puttin' it mild
How long would it take me
To be near if you beckon?
Off hand I would figure
Less than a second
Do you think I'll remember
How you looked when you smile?
Only forever
That's puttin' it mild’
I wish, Audrey, that I could tell you I love you and hold you in my arms, but I anticipate how precarious a position it would place you in, were I to ask outright, were you not wishing for my advances. Thus, I take the cowardly way by letting you know by letter, so that you can burn it - should you wish - and we need never mention it again. If that be the case, I will continue to hold my feelings to myself and never burden you with them again.
If reading this, and you do return my sentiments, please kindly let me know. If reading this, you do not, please, burn this, and call me a daft old sod and we can forget it.
I just wanted to let you know, at least once, because your friendship, and your companionship is truly one of the best things I have been blessed with that I treasure with all my heart. Whatever you decide, please know I want you to be happy.
Your dear friend,
Siegfried.
Audrey noticed the paper was puckered in one corner where it appeared Siegfried must have spilt a few drops of water, before letting the paper dry, though she remembered he hadn’t had water so far today, only copious amounts of strong black tea. Surely the crisp white paper would have splodges of tannin seeped into it, if it was spilt drink? Could it have been tears?
Audrey took in a few sharp breaths as she re-read the letter to check she had comprehended the meaning of it all, to confirm that she wasn’t in fact dreaming. She paced around the kitchen. In growing excitement, she stumbled into the kitchen chair and knocked her kneecap, causing a moment of agony. Agony, pain! I’m not dreaming! Clasping a hand to her mouth, and holding the letter in her other hand, she sobbed, standing next to the kitchen table. She let herself sob for several minutes.
Meanwhile, Siegfried was waiting on tenterhooks around the corner, in the breezeway, hidden from sight, listening. He had placed the letter on the table minutes before, when he knew Audrey would be re-entering the kitchen after her walk. Oh, bugger, you fool, she’ll be horrified, she’ll be making plans to leave me any day! The self-deprecating, intrusive thoughts flooded Siegfried’s mind, and he closed his eyes as he leaned against the brick wall, listening to her cry, fearing the worst.
“The daft apeth! The bloody lovely man!” Audrey cried to the empty kitchen.
Siegfried’s eyes snapped open at those words, wondering if he could now hope.
“I love you, you sweet, sweet man!” she exhaled again to the empty room, unable to contain herself.
Suddenly emboldened to hope for the best, Siegfried peeled himself off the wall, sighed, and walked down the breezeway with glittering eyes. Audrey almost jumped in the air as she noticed him. Tears streaking down her face, she smiled at him, and gasped: “I’ve loved you for years!”
Siegfried’s eyes watered and he chuckled almost with disbelief. He walked towards her, held his hand out to take the letter, placed it on the table, and collected her hands in his, now gazing at her with love.
“Really, for years?” he asked, holding her hands.
Audrey’s emotional floodgates opened: “I loved you since that first week of my employment! After a week seeing you bluster about trying to manage the Practice and look after your brother. I knew I cared deeply for you, but I didn’t acknowledge it to myself. Looking back, I fell for you in the moments that week where you cracked jokes, where you stayed up late to perform emergency surgery, where you consoled your brother as he cried due to missing Evelyn. And when you sang Gilbert and Sullivan to yourself in the kitchen when you thought I wasn’t listening, and when you cried yourself to sleep clutching a bottle, in the living room - past midnight - and I crept past to see what the noise was, too afraid to let you know I had witnessed it. Call me a bleeding heart if you like, I told myself it were just a silly liking for my employer, oh, talk about a literary cliché!”
She took in a slow deep beath and continued: “I remember that first day. I rang the doorbell, then you walked me quickly through the house, overwhelming me with information, pointing erratically at various features in the house, and we ended in the kitchen, here, and after you’d finished explaining your timings and work, you stopped abruptly, um, here, right here, and you looked at me expectantly, as if waiting for me to say “there’s been a mistake, I don’t want the job.” And you just looked at me, daring me to say “I’ll be off”. Something inside of me felt rooted to the spot. I knew I was needed. I knew nothing about you, but looking at you then, I knew I trusted you. And when you said: ‘“the house is a mess and so am I, I’m afraid”’, I knew I needed to be here.”
Audrey gulped again for some air as she continued to explain. “And over the years we built such a good rapport, friendship, trust, companionship, a friendship so deep, even deeper than the friendship I’ve known with Dorothy. But you were my employer, and I didn’t want to say anything, and in any case, I weren’t divorced. And I realised I probably couldn't and shouldn’t have my dreams realised because you are far too good for me.”
Siegfried shook his head that that.
“And I am not stupid, I could see the ladies lining up to dance with you, and I’ll admit I were jealous, Siegfried, jealous that they could dance with you while I remained at home. But I also wouldn’t change my home for the world. Yes, sometimes I lived in concern that one day a new Mrs Farnon would move in, and I’d have to leave, and then I would be cross with myself for thinking that way when really, I just wanted you to heal from your heartbreak and find happiness again. And you were so good to me with the divorce proceedings, and encouraging me to spread my wings a bit, and supporting me with the Warden role, and helping me foster a chosen family under this roof, to help heal my heart a little. And I know you think I took pity on you with staying after Gerald asked me to go wi’ him to The Lakes, or that I’d miss Helen…but mostly, Siegfried, it’s because I couldn’t bear to be somewhere I’d only perhaps receive a couple of letters from you a year, and maybe only see you when I visited Helen and James and the baby. I didn’t think I could ever be yours, but I also couldn’t leave.”
Tears were rolling down her face as Siegfried listened to her.
“Audrey, you have been so very kind and good to me all these years, often when I didn’t deserve it.”
“Yes, you did, Siegfried, you deserve it all.”
Siegfried dipped his chin to his chest in acceptance, tears rolling down his face, too.
“So, what did you make of the letter, was it cowardly, or perhaps somewhat sensible?”
“It was very you, Siegfried. I’ll never burn it. Never! That song is perfect…
‘Do I want to be with you
As the years come and go?
Only forever
If you care to know…’
Yes Siegfried, yes, I do want to be with you, as the years come and go. Please!” She burst into another bout of tears as Siegfried scooped her into his arms, into a hug that they had never previously allowed themselves to do, despite many occasions where both felt they would like to.
“My darling girl, if you are foolish enough to accept me, I will gladly share everything that I have and everything that I am, with you!”
“Of course I accept, you daft man!”
“Marry me, Audrey!”
“Yes!”
Siegfried barked happy laughter into her hair as he clutched her to him in an embrace. After a few minutes of holding one another tightly, Siegfried murmured: “Bosworth was right. Not about the cows, but about this…”
“Hmmmm?” Audrey asked, her chin resting on his shoulder.
“It came back to me earlier today”, Siegfried advised, releasing himself from her embrace, and taking a step back so he could look at her beautiful face.
“Last night, Bosworth pulled me aside. After my three-time rendition of Bing Crosby, and then the Gilbert and Sullivan, and the ermm, Judy Garland… Ahem.... Yes, once we’d exhausted ourselves and Maggie’s landlord declared a lock-in for the night. Bosworth was so tipsy he had forgotten that he’s a rule-pedant. He didn’t even flinch when one of the patrons whipped open the curtains to look outside before they were snapped at by the landlord for breaching blackout.”
He drew breath again. “Instead, we propped up the bar. Maggie had gone home by that point, and the landlord was sitting with some patrons, so no one was in earshot. We tried to make some conversation. I remember telling him about some bovine disease, getting the facts completely muddled, of course, but he was listening with interest. Eventually he stopped me mid conversation and asked with no warning: ‘Why haven’t you asked her to step out yet, Farnon?’ He looked at me with his beady eyes! I said: ‘I beg your pardon, Boswook?’ I kept getting his name wrong by that point, but I remember his face clearly when he said: ‘It’s clear you click with her. Mrs Hall. And it’s clear she thinks the world of you.’”
Audrey listened in silence, allowing Siegfried to look at her whilst gently wrapping his arms around her waist.
“I think I must have stared at him, in shock. And I asked him something on the lines of: ‘she thinks the world of me? No, she respects me, maybe, pities me, perhaps, cares about me because she’s had to pull me out of scrapes and holes over the years, sure.’ And Bosworth put his hand on my arm, and said ‘Sir, you fool! Her face lights up when anyone mentions you in passing. I’ve seen you strolling around Darrowby with that godson of yours, and people new to the village assume you’re a happily married couple. The pair of you were thick as thieves when you were trying to help me with Bingo. I never clicked with anyone, Farnon, never in my life. But you have in the past, and you do now. She deserves to be treated right. She might have annoyed me at first by being better than me at the warden job, and she might not consider me her friend, but I consider her mine. She’s been kind. Whenever we speak your name just keeps cropping up… but you’re scared for some reason, Farnon. Women like Mrs Hall don’t seem to appear very often in life.’ And he is right. And then one of the farmers declared they were buying us all a drink, and we got absorbed back into the merriment, and I don’t remember much other than staggering across the square to my bed at 4am, after Bosworth waved at me from the doorstep of The Drovers, with the light blaring from the door, creating a halo around him. I wonder if he will remember that when he sobers up, maybe he will fine himself for Blackout infractions!” He chuckled.
“Oh, Siegfried!”
“In my defence, Audrey, I’ve known I loved you for years also, but I feel my problem was not really the line between employee and employer - class doesn’t bother me, you know that - but…” he looked her in the eye… “I always thought you deserved better than the mess that I am.”
Audrey offered no words, but raised one of her hands to Siegfried’s cheek, and gently stroked his beard.
Siegfried continued: “I didn’t need to be told that I ‘click’ with you. But I dare’n’t believe that you could want me back. Oh, Audrey, at Christmas I wanted to scoop you in my arms and cry into your shoulder with relief when you received the good news about Edward. When you were waiting, not knowing, it was excruciating seeing you in such pain, dealing with such worry, and not being able to do anything for you other than give you space, was agony. I love the boy I haven’t yet met! I love him because I love you, and because he’s your world.”
“You’re my world, too, Siegfried.”
“How am I so lucky?” Siegfried whispered, smiling, a tear rolling down his cheek and disappearing into his fox-hued beard.
Audrey smiled and traced his beard with her thumb: “We must make sure to thank Mr Bosworth for confronting you about love. Of all the people we can imagine would do so, Bosworth would be last on my list!”
“Indeed. It seems like I might have made a friend in him, last night. Stranger things do happen, I suppose!” Siegfried chuckled.
“Siegfried…” Audrey asked, tentatively.
“Yes, my dear?” Siegfried whispered back.
“Are you ever going to kiss me?”
“I was waiting for your command, my dear”, he murmured, as he lowered his lips to hers, and kissed her tenderly.
After a short while, he drew back just enough to look her in the eye and traced his thumb along her chin. Smiling, he advised: “I love you Audrey, and ‘That's puttin' it mild’”.
The end