Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

iMessage chat between Colin Bridgerton and Penelope Featherington: 5:30 pm

Pen: Message when you’re done boarding 🤗

Colin: Flight has been delayed FOUR hours 🔪🔪🔪

Pen: BOOOOOOO

Colin: Fucking snowstorm from hell

Pen: Didn’t a wise woman once tell you not to plan flights in mid January? Who was she? Oh yes, c’est MOI

Colin: Mocking me in English AND French 😒 As I sit here and SUFFER

Pen: In a first class lounge you big baby

Colin: Alone. Forsaken!

Pen: You teething again, that’s why the tantrum?

Colin: Rude

Pen: True

Colin: You admit you were being rude?

Pen: No, true that you’re an infant

Pen: Enjoy the first class champagne and think of the peasants stuck in economy lounge

Pen: Packed like sardines, breathing in armpit sweat

Colin: That’s disgusting 🙂

Pen: Trying to humble you a bit

Colin: I’d rather you entertain me

Pen: I left my clown nose back at mum’s

Colin: Striptease video it is 😏

Pen: Not even if you put a condom over the phone screen

Colin: I’m not Ben! I am responsible and distinguished in my activities

Colin: I can show you the results of my last…screening

Pen: No thanks

Colin: PLEASE I AM BORED

Pen: I’m about to go to sleep!

Colin: at 5:30? 🤨

Pen: I’m having a baby

Colin: Mine?

Pen: Yes, it’s triplets congrats

Colin: With your curls and my eyes? 😍

Pen: What?

Colin: Please entertain me my darling Penelope

Pen: Don’t call me that

Colin: What? Penelope? That is your literal name that you were named at birth Penelope

Pen: Nevermind

Colin: Nevermind what darling? 😏

Pen: I hate you, go annoy Spain

Colin: I will stop being annoying if you play two truths and a lie with me

Pen: No

Colin: RUDE

Pen: You can’t handle power like that

Colin: Untrue

Colin: I can TOO handle power like that. It will immediately corrupt me but that’s because of my impeccable work ethic

Pen: You have seven people who are genetically obligated to tolerate you, please annoy them

Colin: Mean

Colin: I may be pretty but I have feelings, Pen

Pen: My fault for messaging you

Colin: It’s because a week with me isn’t enough for you. You know that

Pen: Do they charge you extra to bring that big head on board? 😊

Colin: Which head? 😏

Pen: Have a nice flight goodbye

Colin: Nooo come back I’ll behave!!!

Pen: Have never believed you less

Pen: Let’s just play the game so you stfu

Colin: I always wear you down, I don’t know why you resist

Pen: Already regretting my choices

Colin: I’ll start

Pen: Mhmm

Colin: Okay. My first kiss was absolutely dreadful, I plan to try skydiving in Madrid and Eloise is my favorite sister

Pen: Daphne’s your favorite

Colin: Mhmm

Pen: But that means your first kiss…

Colin: ……

Pen: What…your first kiss was dreadful?

Pen: You were mister popularity in secondary. Girls were poisoning each other to kiss you first

Colin: Yeah well…high expectations and all that. Your turn

Pen: What’re you hiding?

Colin: Your turn, Pen

Pen: Okay…

Pen: I’m 24 years old, I have slept with someone on a first date at least once, and denim blue is my favorite color

Colin: Denim blue is not your favourite color

Pen: …for two people who’ve known each other our whole lives, we suck at knowing each other

Colin: You’ve never slept with someone on the first date?

Pen: Is that surprising?

Colin: No, I guess…I don’t know

Colin: You seem fairly sexually liberated…

Pen: Sexual liberty doesn’t mean sleeping with people on the first date

Colin: I haven’t either so what would I know

Pen: No way in fuck

Colin: What is with your judgement of my personal life? First the condom and now being shocked I don’t sleep around?

Colin: Being a traveller doesn’t mean I’m screwing everything that walks

Pen: Woah. Why’re you snapping at me? It was a joke

Colin: Sorry

Colin: I just…just forget it, sorry. I’ll go

Colin: I’ve never seen the original Star Wars trilogy, I close my eyes at take-offs because they scare me, and I am thinking of moving back to England permanently

Pen: No way is your wanderlust satiated. You aren’t moving back to England

Colin: And if I were?

Pen: I was gonna judge you for not seeing Star Wars

Colin: Pen…the IMPORTANT takeaway please

Pen: Shit sorry. So are you really?

Colin: I am

Pen: Wow

Colin: Would that be a bad thing…?

Pen: No but you haven’t mentioned it to anyone yet…

Pen: That’s huge!!

Colin: I’m mentioning it to you

Pen: Does Violet know?

Colin: You’re the first

Pen: I am?

Colin: Hardly the first time you’d be first

Pen: Meaning what

Colin: Do your turn

Pen: But what does that mean?

Colin: Do your turn first Pen

Pen: Okay…

Pen: I’ve never had champagne, my longest crush has been ongoing for ten years now, and Ryan Gosling is my celebrity dream

Colin: stupid Canadian bastard

Pen: Loll your irrational hatred of him is a little ridiculous, you know that right?

Colin: Okay, I’m guessing you’ve had champagne

Pen: Finally got one right congrats. Your turn

Colin: Wait…a crush that lasted ten years?

Pen: No qualifiers

Colin: That’s a long time Pen

Pen: I am aware a decade is very long, yes

Colin: Who is it?

Pen: No

Colin: Why not

Pen: You got pissy about the sex life question and about me ‘being first’ whatever that means

Pen: Not giving you qualifiers

Colin: I see

Colin: Okay. I haven’t slept with anyone since Marina cheated on me, I’m 100 years old and my last name is Bridgerton

Pen: You haven’t…

Pen: But that was two years ago…

Colin: Yeah it was

Pen: I don’t understand

Colin: No sex for two years, not that complex

Pen: Colin…

Colin: What, shocked Mr. Worldwide isn’t a giant fuckboy?

Pen: I didn’t say that! I’m just trying to understand

Colin: I can’t…I can’t do sex without feelings

Colin: And most men my age can and you already know Ben and Ant fucked their way thorugh secondary and uni

Colin: I just…it doesn't work for me. I tried one night stands and it very literally didn’t work for me. I realized if I don’t love the person…

Colin: They made it feel like a manufacturing defect or something so I fucked off and started travelling so no one would keep an eye on my personal life

Pen: Colin…that’s so much

Pen: I’m sorry I judged…

Colin: It’s okay. I just don’t want YOU of all people to think less of me

Pen: Why me of all people?

Colin: Penelope

Pen: Col…come on…

Colin: Take your turn

Pen: Okay. Okay

Pen: My last name is Featherington, my ten year long crush is you and I’m going to Paris next month with Eloise for the weekend

Colin: You can visit me in Spain if you’re coming to Paris

Pen: Col…

Colin: Oh…

Colin: That’s…the lie?

Pen: Yes

Colin: So…

Pen: Yeah

Colin: Oh

Pen: Listen, if you’re okay by yourself now I should go

Colin: No

Colin: My turn

Pen: We don’t have to continue

Colin: My turn, Penelope

Pen: Okay

Colin: My favourite football club is Tottenham, my favourite meal is shrimp fried rice and when I said you were first before as well, I meant the first girl I ever loved

Pen: You’re allergic to shrimp…

Colin: I am

Pen: You love Tottenham

Colin: I do

Pen: Oh

Colin: Yeah

Pen: You’re coming back to England

Colin: I am

Pen: When?

Colin: Two months to wrap up my final contract

Pen: Okay

Colin: You said your crush was ongoing

Pen: I did

Colin: Yeah

Pen: You haven’t been with anyone since Marina…

Colin: No

Pen: Because you can’t…if you don’t love them?

Colin: No

Pen: You used ‘loved’ in the past tense

Colin: Poor grammatical oversight. It’s very much not past tense

Pen: If you came back

Pen: And we were to date

Colin: Yes

Pen: Would you be able to…

Pen: With me?

Colin: Yes

Pen: You didn’t even think about it

Colin: I’ve been thinking about it

Pen: It?

Colin: It

Pen: With me?

Colin: With you

Pen: Colin

Colin: Penelope

Pen: You’re back in two months?

Colin: I am

Pen: You’ll come to mine straight from the airport

Colin: Oh yes?

Pen: Yes

Colin: And why might that be Miss Featherington?

Pen: That two year streak?

Colin: Yes…

Pen: We’re ending it

Chapter Text

iMessage chat between Colin Bridgerton and Penelope Featherington, 1:13 pm

Colin: Are you trying to murder me?

Pen: I’m literally having lunch with your sister and Phil?

Colin: And were the bikini shots of sunbathing on El’s terrace part of the appetizer, Jezebel?

Pen: I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over the sounds of shirtless beach photos in Costa Brava

Colin: All people are shirtless at a beach, it’s called a dress code?

Pen: Google search: benefits of sunbathing 👩‍💻

Pen: Google answer: sunbathing helps with thermoregulation

Pen: Why do you want me to not be thermoregulated, Colin?

Colin: In February?!

Pen: God forbid my thermoregulation deficiency act up in winter

Colin: That’s literally not a thing 😑

Colin: ALSO, I could see your trackies and jumper in the corner of the picture!

Pen: So now I can’t even own clothes while I suffer from thermodysregulation?

Pen: And you were zooming into the picture to find such specific details?

Pen: *Regina George why you are you so obsessed with me gif*

Colin: I was just zooming in on the sunlounger to figure out whose roof you were on? It’s not my fault your slutty little ankles got in the way

Pen: My ankles will be hiring a lawyer to sue you for defamation

Colin: Put your inappropriate knees on there as one of the claimants too

Pen: Knees and ankles…you have very specific kinks

Colin: And those obscene little painted toes? I’ll be filing a countersuit for public indecency

Pen: This is like a really whorey version of “heads and shoulders knees and toes”

Colin: Also, I looked up the temperature in London, it's 4° out! Did you give yourself frostbite just to torture me?

Pen: I would like to plead the fifth

Colin: We aren't American either 😑

Pen: I've never seen you so HARDcore about British-isms before 😏

Colin: I was in a meeting with my agent when you sent me those pics!!

Colin: If ever there was an inopportune time to pop a boner!

Pen: Why? Was he being a HARDhead? 😏

Colin: I know what you're doing

Pen: I HARDly know what's bothering you 😏

Colin: Penelope….I am warning you

Pen: Are you threatening to play HARDball with me? 😏

Colin: Behave yourself

Pen: Or what?

Pen: Are you going to punish me?

Colin: PENELOPE. This is still not an appropriate time for a hard-on

Pen: Are you still with your agent?

Colin: No, I'm actually meeting with a lawyer myself to see if I can get out of my contract a month early without a ‘breach of contract’ penalty

Pen: Are you really? 🥹

Colin: No, on the train home…🥺 contract is ironclad unfortunately, but I WANT to breach it. Does that count?

Pen: I hate you so much right now

Colin: No you don't

Pen: I do actually. I'm so distraught that I couldn't even make an ‘other things you'll be breaching soon’ joke

Pen: That's what you took from us

Colin: Now I hate myself too

Pen: At least we have that in common ✊

Colin: Remind me again why tf we decided to confess our feelings right before I was leaving for two fucking months?

Pen: Because you were too madly in LOVE with me to wait? 🙊🙊🙊

Colin: Oh, I’m sorry, now I can’t hear YOU over the sound of you being head over arse for me for a DECADE

Pen: a CRUSH

Colin: Ten years Penelope. A decade is ten years 🙂

Pen: Aww, you finally learned how to count in Spain? 😍

Colin: Ten years of pining for ME

Pen: Too in LOVE with me to have sex with anyone

Pen: Your physiological responses are literally waiting for ME to even do their one job

Pen: I win just on that alone 😇

Colin: My lawyer will also be requesting your diaries as evidence for my lawsuit

Colin: Year one: Dear diary, Colin is so pretty I almost died today

Pen: This is the second time you’ve called YOURSELF pretty, just want that on the record

Colin: Year two: Dear Diary, Colin’s eyes are the most remarkable shade of blue I have ever seen

Pen: That one’s actually true 😘

Colin: Yours are magical, so we’re one for one

Pen: 😍

Colin: Back to mocking you

Colin: Year three: Dear diary, today I masturbated to the sight of Colin’s abs

Pen: You didn’t have abs during year 3 yet by the way. You were still a praying mantis

Colin: Year four: Dear diary, today Colin smiled at me and I immediately became pregnant

Pen: The matsurbating thing is true though, even if the abs thing isn’t

Colin: Year five

Colin: Wait, the masturbating to me thing is TRUE?

Pen: What?

Colin: You masturbated to thoughts of me??

*text deleted*

Pen: No idea what you’re on about

Colin: Did you just delete that text???

Pen: What text? Are you hallucinating Col?

Colin: Dirty play 🤬

Pen: Don’t you like it a little dirty? 😏

Colin: nkdhfsdkvbflkvgkf

Pen: You’re so easy

Colin: For you only

Pen: bdkfjbrkfberklgbt

Colin: Fuck I am a glutton for punishment

Pen: *preemptively putting on my dominatrix gear* Why is that?

Colin: Because I just looked at those pics again…for…umm research

Pen: Research is important

Colin: And now I can’t stop picturing coming to yours straight from the airport and doing this research in person

Pen: Emphasis on coming

Colin: *bites fist gif*

Pen: What would make you feel better?

Colin: The only thing that would make me feel better is a five foot tall hobbit who is driving me insane without even being in the same country as me

Pen: Blame that on the six foot tall skyscraper who decided to develop a “work ethic” right after confessing his undying love for me

Colin: Again, not that dramatic…

Pen: Please, I screenshotted things from that original chat

Colin: To blackmail me in the future when I inevitably tick you off?

Pen: Self-awareness is so sexy 💋

Colin: 😉

Pen: And you asked me to do a striptease five seconds in

Pen: I’m surprised I didn’t see it earlier, your flirting was so blatant

Colin: I never said subtlety was my main thing

Pen: Like, right in my face

Colin: Speaking of things being in your face…

Pen: Again with the subtlety

Colin: Projecting your own filthy mind much?

Colin: I’m literally talking about your phone?

Pen: Uh HUH

Colin: Should you be chatting with me this long if you’re at lunch with Phil and El?

Pen: Yeah, left those horny fuckers an hour ago

Pen: Phil used some fresh mint he’s been growing in his garden in our lemonade

Pen: Which led to a spirited debate between him and El about fresh mint vs. basil as flavor enhancers

Pen: Which is how they do foreplay and if I stayed a minute longer, I would have been privy to the lap dance she was about to give him

Colin: Google search: How to invent time travel so I can go back to before I had to read that sentence about my own SISTER

Pen: Sorrrryyyy

Colin: I just realized I also have another thing to add to the countersuit I’m filing

Colin: I was promised a striptease?

Colin: One month later and my teasing is still bereft of any strips

Pen: Your fever dreams are not binding contracts babe 😘

Colin: I like that

Pen: Me mocking you? I will do it forever

Colin: No wisearse

Colin: I mean yes, your mocking too since I am counting it all as foreplay

Colin: But you calling me babe

Pen: ♥️

Colin: ♥️

Colin: Fuck I just…why the fuck didn’t I wait to confess how I felt in person like a normal human???

Pen: You tell me. I’ve been considering just quitting my job and showing up in Spain to conduct our…research in person also

Colin: I will buy your ticket if you do that

Colin: Fuck the ticket, I’ll buy you a literal airplane if you do that

Pen: Absence makes the heart grow fonder

Colin: My heart grows any fonder, it’s gonna explode from fondness

Pen: Mine too

Colin: Not that I’m not a HUGE fan of our sexting

Pen: Likewise

Colin: And the increasingly near-nudes, as you call them

Pen: I mean your boxers have stayed on so far and so have my bra and knickers

Colin: Under protest

Pen: From YOU

Colin: I am a deeply disturbed man and no one should ever listen to any of my suggestions

Pen: It’s really you and Freddy Krueger as the starting line-up for men I’m most likely to sleep with

Colin: I could take Freddy

Pen: I love clinically insane men duelling over me 😍

Colin: 🤺

Pen: You’ll be home soon?

Colin: In your arms home or my rental?

Pen: I’m trying to think with my vagina, stop giving my heart feelings!

Pen: That was terribly sweet

Colin: 😘

Colin: And yes, my station arrives in 15

Pen: Okay, I am also home

Colin: Mhmm….

Pen: And while I know our near-nudes are just barely tiding us over

Pen: That striptease you were promised

Colin: 👀

Pen: May not have to remain hypothetical…

Colin: Oh

Colin: Oh wow

Pen: If you’d be into it, of course

Colin: Please don’t misunderstand this

Pen: That’s not ominous at all

Colin: I WANT to see you stripteasing for me

Colin: Like want to say ‘fuck my contract’ and fly back tonight and see you and have you do it for me

Pen: But?

Colin: Don’t judge me for this

Pen: Colin, tell me

Colin: I just want…the first time we see each nude to be in person, you know?

Pen: Oh…

Colin: I’ve been dreaming about you for so fucking long and whatever I’ve shared with anyone else never felt like…what it feels like over just texting with you

Colin: And that’s why I haven’t…sent you the full nudes or even asked for them

Colin: I don’t want to see all of you like that and not be able to kiss you and touch you and do all the things we’ve been saying

Colin: And you’re not just…I mean it’s not just sex for me. It can’t ever be with anyone, but especially not with you, Pen

Pen: Colin

Colin: So I just really need that first time we really see each other to be face to face because it’s special and so are you

Pen: Fuck

Colin: You upset about it?

Pen: No, I’m wondering why you can’t just be simple like the rest of the men I meet on a daily basis?

Pen: You’re special to me also

Pen: But it’s so annoying too. You’re the sexiest man alive but also somehow the sweetest and most romantic and it wrecks the curve, you know?

Colin: ♥️

Pen: I still can’t believe I get to have you

Colin: For as long as you want

Pen: Guess I’ll change into less glamorous underwear then, save it for the live show 😉

Colin: Wait a minute, don’t you dare!

Colin: I was only referring to the visual aspect

Colin: No one said you can’t give me a written transcript of future proceedings

Colin: You know, for science…

Pen: You’re saying you’d like me to sext striptease for you?

Colin: Yes

Pen: You’re still on the train

Colin: I kept a jacket, I’ll cover any incriminating evidence

Pen: I don’t know, think you’ve earned it? 😉

Colin: God I fucking hope so

Pen: I guess…I could begin with unclipping my hair

Colin: Uh huh…

Pen: REMOVE my bracelets…

Colin: 😑

Pen: Grab the nail polish remover, BARE them of color…

Colin: 😑😑😑

Pen: Rinse my hair out too, STRIP it off all the chemicals

Colin: You have seven seconds to remove a piece of clothing or so help me god I will do it myself

Pen: And how will you do that exactly? You don’t even have enough manners to be in the country with me to unbutton my very clingy green blouse that I plan to wear for the striptease, one button at a time

Colin: Green huh?

Pen: Yes, the man who loves me is huge slut for that color on me

Colin: He sounds like a wise man…

Pen: Mhmm

Pen: His wisdom is so influential that I decided to color coordinate my underwear to the blouse

Pen: Lacy green bra and thong

Colin: I see…

Pen: The bra is half cups so when the first few buttons are undone, the tops of my breasts are exposed

Pen: And the material is sheer, so you can just make out the outline of my nipples

Colin: Fuck

Pen: Still breathing?

Colin: Irrelevant. Continue

Pen: Last button just came undone. Guess the shirt can be slowly slid off my shoulders now

Colin: Only stands to reason

Pen: And I think the shirt is probably lonely on the floor, so my skirt should join it?

Colin: Good manners require it

Pen: And while I prefer to have your teeth scrape the zipper down my thighs…

Colin: Fuck

Pen: My fingers will do the work

Colin: Yes

Pen: And now it seems I am only standing here in my very see-through bra and thong

Colin: Yes

Pen: The front of the thong is just a lacy triangle that barely covers my cunt

Colin: Jesus

Pen: Sorry, didn’t realize you were in church. Should I give you a moment?

Colin: No. Continue

Pen: So I should turn around then?

Colin: Yes

Pen: Only fair you see the back now that you’ve seen the front

Colin: Equality, yes

Pen: My arse is entirely exposed in this particular set

Colin: Yes

Pen: I plan to keep my heels on though

Colin: Encouraged

Pen: Requested?

Colin: Demanded

Pen: I like being demanded

Colin: Do you?

Pen: By you

Colin: Then I demand you come over to where I’m sitting

Pen: And why would I do that?

Colin: So you can feel what you’ve done to me

Pen: By sitting on your lap?

Colin: Yes

Pen: So you can unhook my bra?

Colin: It's off

Pen: So I can grind myself down on you?

Colin: Yes

Pen: So you can feel how fucking wet I am even through the lace?

Colin: Fuck yes

Pen: Maybe I should unzip your trousers. You know, for science?

Colin: Yes

Pen: Free your cock from your boxers

Colin: Please

Pen: Put your fingers on my arse while I pull the thong aside and smear my slick all over your cock

Colin: God yes

Pen: Take you in my hands, feel how hard I’ve made things for you

Colin: So fucking hard

Pen: Stroke you until you’re crying for relief

Colin: Yes

Pen: Let you fuck me with your fingers first

Colin: Fucking hell

Pen: Think I could take three of them at the same time?

Colin: You can

Colin: You will

Pen: Mmm I like your commanding tone

Pen: You’ve gotten me so…close...

Pen: And once I’ve soaked your fingers like a good girl

Pen: And have you leaking in my hands

Pen: I can take the thong off and line you up at my dripping hole

Colin: Jesus fucking christ

Pen: Have you fill me

Colin: Yes

Pen: Feed your cock into me slowly

Pen: Stretch me until my cunt molds itself to you

Colin: God. Fuck.

Pen: And then I plan to ride you

Colin: Yes

Pen: So fucking hard and fast that my cunt aches with it and I can feel you for days afterwards

Colin: Fucking hell Pen

Pen: While your mouth is full of my tits

Colin: God I can…I can fucking taste you

Pen: You will. You’ll taste every bit of me like I’m going to do to you

Colin: Yes. Yes to both. Yes

Pen: Fuck, Colin, I can just

Colin: Just what?

Pen: Just fucking FEEL you in me

Colin: Fuck. Me too, Pen

Colin: I’m going to fuck your fucking brains out until you’re mindless

Pen: God, I think I’m going to…fuck, typing with one hand here and losing my bloody sanity

Colin: Same

Pen: In your seat?

Colin: Went to the loo for privacy

Pen: Fuck, I want you so bad I ache with it

Colin: Feel me, Pen

Colin: Feel me pick you up throw you on your bed, feel me inside you, feel me stretch you

Colin: Legs over my shoulders, fucking into you so hard you scream

Colin: Pumping you full of my cum

Pen: God

Colin: Tell me when you’re close

Pen: Colin

Colin: Tell me, Pen

Pen: So close, so fucking close

Colin: Me too, god

Colin: Want to fuck you so good Pen, want to make you gush on my cock and cry my name

Pen: Yes Colin

Colin: Come for me, Pen. Be my good girl and come for me

Pen: God

Colin: Fuck. Fuck

Pen: Well Jesus, that escalated quickly…

Pen: It’s been a minute since your last text, you alive?

Colin: Bloody hell Pen, needed a minute to remember how oxygen works and get some blood back to my brain

Pen: Yeah

Pen: Fuck that contract, I’ll pay your penalty for breaching it, just come home to me

Colin: Soon, love

Pen: Not soon enough

Colin: No it isn't

Pen: You about to arrive?

Colin: I think we both arrived actually 😏

Pen: Your station, captain subtlety

Colin: Next station up

Pen: Okay, here's a quick two truths and a lie for you

Colin: 👀

Pen: Thai food is my favorite cuisine, I close my eyes at all horror movies, and my ‘crush’ might also be more in ‘love’ territory like you

Colin: You're obsessed with Thai food

Pen: I am

Colin: You love horror movies

Pen: Yes I do

Colin: Really?

Pen: Really ♥️

Colin: Love, Pen?

Colin: Love, Colin

Colin: Google search: how to keep from bursting into tears on public train?

Pen: So sappy

Colin: The sap you LOVE

Pen: Sigh. This is just gonna be a whole thing now isn't it ?

Colin: Everything with me will always be a whole thing, you know this

Pen: I do. I have only myself to blame

Colin: I'm actually going to be contacting my lawyer to see if I can get out of this thing early

Pen: You're not…actually, are you?

Colin: Watch this space 😉

Chapter Text

iMessage chat between Colin Bridgerton and Penelope Featherington, 5:50 pm

*Penelope has changed Colin’s name to @BDE 🍆*

*Colin has changed Penelope’s name to @Jezebel 😈*

BDE 🍆: I am very flattered by the new name 😎

BDE 🍆: Though for the sake of complete accuracy, you haven’t technically seen my 🍆

Jezebel 😈: I have a vivid and filthy imagination, and in it your 🍆 is so big that it burrows a hole through me straight to Timbuktu

BDE 🍆: That’s a lot of pressure on the little guy

Jezebel 😈: Never knew you to back down from a challenge

BDE 🍆: This is fair

BDE 🍆: Unrelated google search: Spanish performance enhancing drugs for men

Jezebel 😈: I’m gonna inject some Red Bull straight into my veins before I see you. No one is sleeping for a week

BDE 🍆: We can sleep when we’re dead

Jezebel 😈: 😍

Jezebel 😈: Can’t believe it’s been 1 month and 3 weeks since you abandoned me to suffer horny pangs by my lonesome

BDE 🍆: No disrespect intended for your horny pangs, but I had no idea you even HAD horny pangs for me when I was leaving so…🤷‍♂️

Jezebel 😈: That really feels like a YOU problem

Jezebel 😈: You should have known. I was in tears when we said goodbye before you left for the airport!

BDE 🍆: I thought those were platonic ‘Colin is my best friend and I’ll miss him so much’ tears

Jezebel 😈: Nope, those were very much ‘why is he taking his big gigantic cock to Spain when there are English girls dying to be impaled on that thing like a decrepit old vampire’, tears

Jezebel 😈: It’s me, I’m English girls

BDE 🍆: You’re truly a poet 🤌🤌🤌

Jezebel 🍆: 😘😘😘😘

Jezebel 🍆: But my literary prowess diminishes every hour we have to spend apart

BDE 🍆: Only one week left, love

BDE 🍆: And trust me, I’m counting it down to the bloody millisecond

Jezebel 😈: Too long

Jezebel 😈: Have decided it’s unacceptable and refuse to wait any longer

BDE 🍆: And how do you propose we remedy this, short of teleportation? 😘

Jezebel 😈: WE clearly aren’t doing anything Dr. Spock. I have taken matters into my own hands

BDE 🍆: And how have you done that?

Jezebel 😈: Knock Knock

BDE 🍆: Penelope…

Jezebel 😈: Yesss? 😇

BDE 🍆: PLEASE tell me I’m not hallucinating that sound or I will cry like a pathetic baby. I am not joking

Jezebel 😈: Open the door and find out 😉

BDE 🍆: jgfkbrwfbryeuriyas!!!!

She was at the door.

Penelope.

She was standing in his fucking doorway in motherfucking SPAIN smiling at him.

Smiling at him. And he knew he had to do something that wasn’t gaping like a fish and grinning like a fucking clown but she was here. Ocean-eyes shining, and a green sundress, and her pretty red hair, and so beautiful that he was positive she was a mirage except she smelled vaguely citrusy like she always did, and what in the hell–

“Can I come in?” she laughed, when he just stood there smiling stupidly, his heart all mush and his mouth trying and failing to remember how to make words.

He moved back and she rolled her small carry-on bag in, letting the door close behind them. She walked a few paces into his room before turning to him, a tiny hint of nervousness behind her smile now.

“I guess you’re probably wondering–”

He nearly sprinted to her, lifting her in his arms and crashing his lips to hers in a burning kiss.

“Don’t give a fuck,” he mumbled, and she laughed against his mouth, her hands going around his neck as her legs wrapped around his back. The laugh turned into a moan when his hands drifted to her arse, pressing into her supple flesh through the cotton of her dress. Molding her to his body as his kisses became frenzied and she returned his desperation with her own, mouths moving together ravenously as though they had kissed a thousand times before.

If they hadn’t, they should have been. Fuck if he went another day of his life without doing this.

She tasted like–god, she tasted like everything.

Lemons from something she’d obviously had earlier and strawberry from her lip balm and underneath it all, Penelope. He had never tasted her before and yet the taste of her was so instantaneously familiar, he wanted to write sonnets about it.

Her lower lip was plumper than her upper and he wanted to fucking memorize her on his mouth and tongue. Holy shit, sex with anyone else hadn’t done to him what this kiss did. She whimpered into his mouth when he traced her lower lip with his tongue and pulled her upper lip taut between his teeth. He was drunk off her. Then her tongue was sliding against his, and he was dying at her every sound and holy fuck she was here.

“Would you like to give me a tour?” she half-chuckled, half-gasped when he began walking her backwards towards the king-sized bed, unwilling to put her down for even a moment.

“Mhmm,” he murmured, trailing frantic kisses to the corner of her mouth, her cupid’s bow, her cheeks, anywhere within his mouth’s reach. “If you look outside the window, there you will see the country known as Spain in the continent of Europe. Tour over. Good talk.”

And then he threw her on the bed and she burst into giggles, scooting back towards the headboard and shaking her head as he crawled over her, unable to stop smiling. Unable to stop being happy.

He leaned down to kiss her again, but she held her palms against his chest.

“Would you like to know the–mmm–”

He caught her mouth, interrupting her words over and over as she sighed against him.

“Why I–kiss–decided to hop on a plane–kiss–without any prior–kiss–mmm discussion–kiss–because maybe we should–”

Her words went from interrupted to non-existent as his kiss went from quick pecks to a long, endless exploration, tasting every ridge of her lips, every crevice and corner of her mouth. Two years–hell, a fucking lifetime–of waiting to feel for anyone what he felt for her, but hadn’t been able to tell her because he was never home, but now? He felt mindless with joy. How had he lived without this?

Without her soft, warm curves under his hands as they roved down her sides, pushing her back into the pillow and covering her body with his. Without her little whimpers into his mouth as her arms went around his neck, fingers tangling into his curls and–fuck–was he about to come just from having his hair touched? Was he insane? Did he have no pride? Was he a virgin? Was he that touch-starved? Or was he just that Penelope-starved?

Slow down, slow down, slow down, he reminded himself, and then that thought fucked right off when she bent her legs up to bracket him. Her dress pooled around her thighs and suddenly his cock, which had basically been erect for two months since he found out how she felt about him, started weeping when it met her core.

He began grinding himself against her immediately even as his mind told him to calm the fuck down and have at least one conversation with her before they–

Never mind.

Penelope was pushing her hips up, meeting his grinding with her own as the friction increased between them and his hands went to cup her breasts. She nodded, nibbling at his bottom lip as he began kneading at them, tweaking at her nipples through the soft cotton of her dress and she seemed to really like that because she gasped his name and he stole it out of her mouth with his tongue. She was barely holding the kiss as he began rubbing his pelvis against where he knew her clit was and the groan that rumbled out of her shot straight into his bloodstream. His hands were unable to decide which part of her he wanted to touch more, drifting under her hem to mold to her incredibly lush thighs, closer and closer to her core and wondering if he had stocked condoms–

“Colin–wait.” She pushed against his chest gently, and suddenly the brain fog lifted and his head fell to her shoulder in embarrassment.

What the actual fuck was he doing? This wasn’t just anyone, this wasn’t a fucking one night stand or some woman he was trying to convince himself he loved so intimacy wouldn't feel so hollow. This was Penelope, and he was latching onto her like a hormonal teenager, seven seconds after she’d walked in the door before they’d even had a proper conversation about everything. What must she think of him right now?

“Shit I'm so fucking sorry,” he mumbled into her neck, still unable to stop placing soft trails of kisses up and down her throat. “You must think I'm a bloody caveman, Pen, but I just–”

“Colin, look at me–”

His words trailed off as she cupped his face and lifted it up so he could meet her eyes.

Sparkling at him, her features full of all the old Penelope things: fondness and happiness and excitement. And the new Penelope things; blue eyes darkened to midnight with lust for him, glazed over from his ardor, face flushed, curls mussed up, chest heaving as she caught up her breath.

Smiling. Not looking displeased, which was a relief even as he still felt like an absolute oaf.

“Hi there.”

He laughed, nuzzling her nose with his and kissing her on the cheek, before he rolled to his side and tugged her to face him.

“Hi yourself. Fancy meeting you here.”

She shook her head, reaching over to fix his unruly hair off his face.

“Yes, I've heard Madrid is lovely this time of year. Thought I'd check it out. You know, for research.”

His heart felt too big to contain inside his chest right now. He couldn't stop touching her, one hand possessively around her waist as the other kept brushing strands of her fiery hair behind her ear.

“You're Penelope.”

It just came out of his mouth. You're Penelope.

Like he had to remind himself his best friend in the world was really lying here next to him, after knowing how he felt and finding out that somehow she miraculously felt the same. And that he of all people got to feel like this. Pure, unadulterated bliss because she existed and she loved him back somehow and he was still expected to function like a normal human being with this knowledge.

“Yes, I am. Penelope Featherington,” she teased. “Pleasure to make your acquaintance, and you are?”

His face was hurting. He couldn't stop smiling.

“Sorry, I usually do intros before I glom onto another human like a jellyfish. Colin Bridgerton.”

She wiggled a bit to nudge her sandals off and kick them over the edge of the bed, before tangling her bare feet with his, the space between their bodies reducing once more.

“Lovely to meet you. The tour guide rating service said you went above and beyond, but this welcome was quite something else. Do you greet all tourists like this?”

Her nails were scraping through the stubble on his face, gently nudging his reading glasses up his nose where they had slid down earlier. He tried not to purr, even as his own hand rubbed soft circles into her back, the other refusing to leave her silken cheek.

“Yes, it's part of the V.I.P. benefits package.”

They were joking.

He had never joked in bed with anyone..

He had never felt so…tethered to his own body in bed with anyone.

He had heard that people laughed when they were in love but he had only ever really laughed around Penelope his whole life. What a fucking idiot he was. Love had announced himself in every hug and joke and argument and memory they had shared, and he had travelled around the world looking for what was waiting at home the whole time.

“Mmmm,” she murmured, tucking her head under his chin to nuzzle her nose up the column of his throat, lips ghosting up the same path and making his breath catch. “And I assume V.I.P. stands for “Virtually Irresistible People”?”

He hummed contentedly against the top of her head, grabbing her thigh and hitching it over his hip.

“Very Influential Pelicans.”

“Very Impressive Penises?”

“Very Intriguing Pus–”

She put a hand to his mouth, muffling his words.

“Manners. You're talking to a lady.”

Her eyes glittered as she lowered her hands, squealing as he nipped playfully at her palm.

“Excuse your filthy mind, I was about to say Very Intriguing Pussyfooters?”

“Uh HUH.”

“You know, people who take their time.”

“Oh sure, that's your main thing. Slow and steady.”

“I try to deny it but my legend precedes me.”

“Maybe V.I.P. actually means "Very Idiotic Prat”?”

“My rewards program is very selective. V.I.P. actually means “Very Irreplaceable Penelope”.”

“You're a corny dork.”

“The corny dork you love.”

The playfulness in her eyes shifted to something softer, meltier. Like a bar of chocolate accidentally left in a heated car until it liquified into a sweet mess.

“I'm here in Spain.”

He was massaging her hip.

“Or I'm having a very vivid and sexy hallucination.”

“I think you're batshit insane.”

“True. But why this time?”

“Because I'm literally here, in fucking Spain with you, you dork. I just showed up at your hotel impulsively and cashed in my vacation days in March, even though you're coming back anyway next week–”

“Sorry, still failing to see the problem?”

“We haven't…discussed anything. About what this all means, but I don't know what happened. You shared that selfie of you eating ‘the best goddamn paella on the planet’ yesterday, per your words, and I just…wanted to be with you so badly, I couldn't wait another minute. A week felt like years long suddenly and you know, not counting the crazy fucking fact that you apparently love me and I'm supposed to just sit in London with that knowledge and not lose my fucking mind–”

Her words petered off when he rolled her onto her back again, covering her body with his. His fingers intertwined with hers and he lifted their arms above her head, smirking at the way she seemed to have stopped breathing suddenly.

“First of all,” he clarified, lowering his voice and relishing how she bit her lip in response, “I don't ‘apparently’ love you. I very loudly and definitively love you.”

He bent down to press a butterfly of a kiss against her mouth, enjoying her little whine when she tried to deepen it and he pulled back.

“And second of all, the only reason I didn't break my contract and come back early myself is because in the ledger of impulsive crazy moves, I'm about 300-1 compared to you. And if you think you need to discuss it with me before coming to be with me, I would like to present exhibit A as evidence for the jury.”

And he ground his once again rapidly stiffening cock against her, making her let out a choked little laugh.

“Point taken–”

“Oh yes, point very much about to be taken.”

“So subtle.”

“You don't love me for my subtlety.”

“I love you for your everything, actually.”

He couldn't not kiss her now. She loved him. She loved him and there was a perpetual frost in his heart post-Marina that had melted into springtime just by having Pen in his life. In any capacity, she was sunshine for him. But now? Like this?

His words would be all rambling and ridiculous if he tried to elucidate, so he just put it all into his kisses.

Lengthy, wet, bruising kisses which had her squirming deliciously under him. Especially when he pinned her wrists with one large hand to run the other one down her side again, taking his sweet time over every generous curve until he reached the hem of her dress once more, toying with it.

“You wore green just to torture me,” he growled into her neck, suckling at the soft skin before soothing it with his tongue. A red mark bloomed on the pale canvas immediately and Pen wriggled to half-heartedly escape his grasp.

“Maybe if you weren't–fuck–”

She licked her lips when his hand began creeping up under her dress, breathing getting labored as she stared down at her ascending hemline.

“If I weren't what?” he asked playfully, as his fingers began drifting closer to her upper thighs, rubbing little circles as they went.

“Such a cocky bastard–”

Her pupils were blown as she held his stare determinedly, though her composure was rapidly faltering the closer he got to her core.

“Oh but I thought you liked me being all cocky. You've been so…descriptive in all the many ways you enjoy my cockiness.”

“A girl uses a metaphor once–oh Jesus–”

He rutted his burgeoning hardness against her leg, delighted at how he was scrambling her witty little mind.

“Sorry,” he mimicked her earlier torment from their ‘striptease’, “didn't realize you were in church. Should I give you a moment?”

He caught her in another kiss before she could respond, this time pulling her upper and lower lips in for alternative sucks, licking into her mouth and letting her tongue tangle with his. Kissing his best friend was the absolute greatest thing on the planet because everything about her tasted familiar; memories, and history, and the tang of comfort, that she had been his person long before she had been like this with him.

His fingers continued their journey to the place he’d been dreaming about for months now; when they swept across the inner seam of her thigh, the groan that rumbled out of him was nearly inhuman. She was dripping. Beyond the scant material of her knickers, her arousal coating his fingers and making his head spin.

“Fucking hell,” he choked out, watching the flush paint her cheeks crimson as he swirled his fingers through the sticky liquid. “You're a mess, Pen. Is all this for me, love?”

“You,” she answered breathlessly, eyes widening when he raised his fingers to his mouth, moaning in delight at his first taste of her.

“Col…”

She kept trying to chase some contact with her hips, and Colin grinned at her impatience.

“May I help you?”

“Smug bastard,” she bit out, the flush travelling down to her neck as his fingers fell between her legs again. He nudged her thighs further apart with his knee, teasing around her knickers, toying with the edge but refusing to move further down.

“Mmm.” Tickling the sliver of skin at her waistband now. “Your body seems to be betraying your hostility.”

“Torturous fucker,” she rasped, trying to regain some composure. “I'll be heading back to England tonight, you don't deserve my company.”

“Impolite girl,” he breathed into her ear, leaning down to suck her earlobe, pulling a gorgeous little cry from her. His fingers finally began stroking over the damp lace which clung to her cunt, making her jaw fall slack in pleasure. “I might just have to teach you a lesson.”

He released her wrists and Pen’s fingers found their way into his hair again for purchase, nails scraping pleasurably through his scalp in sync to the leisurely dance his fingers were conducting between her legs. Colin’s movements at her core stuttered for a moment when he felt her fist his curls, tugging so his neck was lifted up from her shoulder.

Her eyes were charcoal as they met his, heavy-lidded and challenging.

“So do it. Teach me.”

And then she yanked his head down forcefully, melding their mouths together, refusing to relinquish her hold on his locks.

His blood was boiling over and he was calling upon every last vestige of self-control to keep from bursting at how erotic just having her fingers in his hair felt. It wasn’t just that he had been bereft of any human warmth for two long years. It was the years before, when what little warmth he found in Marina or his handful of negligible relationships had left him so wanting of intimacy that he had thought he was defective. He had been inside his girlfriends and still waited to feel alive, waited to feel the pleasure that his brothers and mates seemed to find as easy as breathing.

He went through the mechanics of sex like a performance, convinced that the lack of emotional pleasure was a fundamental flaw residing within him. He forced himself to let physical pleasure be enough, even as every instance gouged chunks of his soul out like bits of a foundation being chiseled away in preparation for a complete demolition. When Marina cheated on him, the emotional fallout hurt like hell, but his body felt relieved. Relieved that he could stop the exhausting spectacle for an unsympathetic audience.

It was only when he had hugged Pen on his many returns from globe trotting that the pangs he was seeking would reveal themselves. Somewhere in the warmth of her arms and the feel of her lips on his cheeks, in the jokes they shared and the anecdotes they traded, embedded in their very history, he found the only slivers of connection he thought existed for someone like him. Weeks turned into months, months into a year, a year into two. And he didn’t care.

What small moments of friendly intimacy he shared with Pen had replaced any need to find sexual intimacy with anyone else. The realization came upon him slowly and then all at once.

He loved Pen.

In all the ways that mattered, she was the first woman he’d ever loved.

They hadn’t slept together. They’d never even kissed.

Until that silly game he’d impulsively begun at the airport two months ago when she had miraculously revealed that she felt the same, he hadn’t even fathomed she might return his feelings. He had been content enough for the time being with the knowledge of his own.

But now–

She was his first.

Maybe not in any way that made sense to anyone but him, but she was truly his first.

The first woman who’s lips he wanted to never stop kissing, biting, tasting. Whose kisses were igniting fireworks inside him he only thought existed in cheesy romance novels he secretly stole from Daphne’s collections to read when no one was looking.

The first woman who had turned him on so much by just touching his hair that he thought he was about to lose his virginity all over again.

The first woman whose responses to his fingers on her cunt felt like he was the one being turned inside out. Whose sounds he wanted to inject into his bloodstream as her hips responded to his increasing pressure and speed, the raspy Colins falling off her tongue punctuating their kisses.

Fuck.

He had to tell her.

He couldn’t bear her thinking this was just sex or the potential of.

“Pen…”

He tore his mouth from her reluctantly, hand moving to her thigh and making her pout adorably.

“Why did you stop?”

Just shut up and kiss the woman you dolt, don’t Colin this up.

His mouth opened and closed a few times as he considered his words, trying to ignore the critical voice inside him that always made him think he felt too much and burdened others with it.

But Penelope wasn't like the others. She was Penelope. His Penelope.

“This isn't just sex, Pen. You know that right?”

She smiled softly at him, tilting her head to the side as he began rambling.

“I mean, I just kind of jumped on you back there and I don’t want you to think it’s just because I haven’t had sex with anyone in two years.”

“Colin–”

“You're so fucking special and you're here, you literally came to Spain to be with me and that's insane and I just need you to know that I'm acting like a horny bastard because it's you, not because it's been two years–”

His words died when she put her hand over his mouth once more.

“Respectfully, I need you to please shut up. Do you think I got on a plane to come see you because I thought you just wanted to shag me? I love you, you idiot. For a decade now, as you like to remind me every two hours. So if you want to just sit here and talk for a week, I am okay with that. I just got sick of being away from you, I got sick of you being away from me. We good?”

He was going to marry this woman. He knew it then, that very second. Nothing and no one would ever make him feel like she did. No one would joke with him like she did or immediately quell his insanity like she could or make him feel a fraction of what she did.

No one else would have cuter babies than them either. None of his siblings’ spouses had red hair, so their babies could only wish they'd look like ginger haired cherubic angels like his children would and–

Calm the fuck down arsehole, she's been here twelve seconds!

He lifted her hand off his mouth slowly, relief flooding every bit of him.

“We're good. Also, I love you.”

“Yes, you planning what our triplets would look like before you confessed your feelings gave me that indication,” she laughed, pushing him on his back so she could straddle him. His hands fell to her hips as he took in the unbelievably sexy mirage of Pen sitting on top of him, her hands pressing against his midsection for balance. She was straddling his abdomen and he could feel the moist material of her knickers on the exposed bit of skin where his shirt had ridden up, making his heartbeat falter under her palm as his hold on her hips tightened.

And she was clearly enjoying the fuck out of it, because her pupils were blown as she moved back and forth slowly, rubbing herself on the hard muscles.

“Penelope–” he warned, closing his eyes as she kept gliding back and forth, the arousal that coated her thighs smearing on his exposed skin.

“Don’t you have a lesson to teach me Professor Bridgerton?” she mocked lightly, prying his fingers off her hips to have him cup her arse instead. He began squeezing at the pliable flesh before his fingers crept under her dress, holding the bare parts her knickers didn’t quite cover and guiding her to move back and forth faster.

“Oh yes, many lessons to teach,” he agreed enthusiastically, finding the bunched up hem of her dress and rucking it up her body, feeling his hunger for her spike with every inch of her he exposed. Her lush thighs, her heat covered by–fuck him–lacy black knickers, further up to expose the malleable rolls of her tummy which he wanted to bite and suck. She raised her hands above her head to help him pull the dress off, and he thanked a god he didn’t believe in, that she couldn't see him drooling like a cartoon at his first glimpse of her tits, barely contained behind the matching sheer black lace of her bra where he could see the outlines of her nipples for god’s sake.

She had come here with the express purpose of murdering him.

Every inch of her was more sinful than the last while she kept grinding back and forth on him. He got so distracted by the sight of her sodden knickers rubbing on him that he didn’t realize her head was stuck.

“Fuck, shit.” Her voice was muffled as the neck of the dress got stuck around her face and Colin tried to sit up to help her yank it off before she shook her head rapidly under the material.

“Let go for a sec you goofy bastard, we forgot to unzip the dress!”

“Shit, sorry, wait let me–”

He sat up and pulled the dress back down, Penelope’s hair all unkempt from wrestling with the dress as she burst out laughing.

“Smooth, Professor.”

He rolled his eyes at her, reaching around her back to fiddle with the zipper and tug it down eagerly, until he had to stop because a few unkempt strands of her hair got tangled in the zip.

“Ouch! My skull is actually attached to my hair, Col–”

“Sorry,” he muttered in embarrassment, gently loosening the hairs. “I swear to god I’m not normally like this–”

“Too horny to have functioning motor skills?” she finished for him, giving him a quick peck as the zipper was fully undone and the material gave way. She raised her hands once more as he finally pulled the offending garment off, tossing it to the side as she hooked her fingers at his hem to do the same with his comfortable white t-shirt. Thankfully, his shirt had the decency to come off right away, joining hers on the floor.

He opened his mouth to retort but his mind froze once again at the sight of her in her underwear.

Nearly naked.

Near nude.

On top of him.

Her smile changed from teasing to soft as he raised his hands reverently, caressing the exposed tops of her breasts, barely blinking as he explored.

“Pen,” he whispered, his fingers nearly trembling as they circled her puckering nipples through the lacy cups, then traversed downwards over the curves of her belly. Her stomach went concave for a moment as both his hands learned her body for the first time ever, in a near-hypnotic state. Unable to process anything, but that it was Penelope and she was so soft and lush and perfect and was it supposed to feel like all this time?

“Col–”

Her own hands began wandering up and down the defined muscles of his chest, making sparks shoot through every bit of him she was touching. His whole body seemed to be turning inside out as she scraped her nails across his nipples, swirled them around in the dark tufts of his hair, caressed across his abdomen. Her eyes were glittering with unfiltered want, and it made him feel as though his whole being was an uncharted terrain which had been created for the sole purpose of being travelled by her.

His eyes followed the path her fingers took, cataloguing the many ways in which they were a portrait of contrasts. Pale, luminescent skin against tanned warmth. Cotton-like touches against defined muscles. It was another way in which they felt so imperfectly matched; she was all sharp wit and rounded curves, he was hard lines and heart-first.

Feeling so alive as she explored him that it almost distracted him from her body.

Almost.

“You’re unreal–” he choked out, leaning forward to suckle little bites at the top of her tits before soothing them with his tongue. “Beyond my wildest dreams.”

He was in a trance as his hands found the clasp of her bra, successfully unhooking it in one go and slowly sliding the straps down her shoulders.

The sight of her bared to him at last, her perfect chest rising and falling as her breathing became irregular, the intensity of her gaze like a burning laser on him as he mapped her with his eyes, made him feel like any dream he’d had before was a joke.

It didn’t count.

Today was where he began.

He leaned forward to capture a rosy nipple between his lips, pulling it taut before he began suckling, one hand palming her back to keep her upright as the other found her neglected breast. He molded it to the curve of his fingers, feeling drunk as Pen arched her back, cupping the back of his head to keep him fixed where he was. He laved his tongue across the tip, running it in wet, heated circles as she began moaning his name, and he let her cries wash over him like a cleansing rain.

Intimacy washing away emptiness.

He switched to the other breast, nipping at the stiffened peak before he marked it with insistent sucks, blood thrumming at the sight of his own passion being painted on Penelope’s canvas. Pen’s grip on his hair became painful and he hummed happily, making her writhe against his erection as the vibrations hit her. His free hand found its way between their bodies, hooking his fingers into the hem of her knickers and helping her pull them off, teasing through the small thatch of ruddy curls on her mound before he found her, drenched and throbbing.

“Fuck, Colin!”

She thrust herself forward to try and find more pressure as he grinned against her, licking up the valley between her breasts to her throat, blowing bits of air on the wet trail to make her shiver in his arms.

“Patience, babe. I have to take care of some maths first.”

“Maths?” she asked breathlessly, sounding as delirious from want as he felt, his fingers stroking back and forth over her slit to bathe in her slick.

“Mhmmm,” he verified, kissing the corner of her mouth before he swept sideways to capture her earlobe between his teeth once more. “I’m about to show you that I have, in fact, learned to count in Spain.”

He chuckled against her neck, kissing languidly up and down the column as she muttered “Oh fuck’s sake,” her hand scorching a trail down his back now.

“Manners, Pen, pay attention. You’re going to help me count how many times I make you cum. On my fingers–”

He inserted a thick finger into her quivering hole, swallowing her cry by pulling her into a rough kiss, hand cupping the back of her head to keep her firmly against himself. He began working the digit in and out of her at a steady pace, basking in the tight clench of her walls around him.

“On my tongue–”

Pulling away to stare into her eyes as a second finger joined the first, increasing the pace of his thrusts in and out. Her eyes hooded over and she began fucking herself on his fingers frantically, one hand abandoning his hair to dig crescent shape marks into his shoulders.

“And then on my cock.”

“God, fuck–”

“You like this?”

Thrusting at a deeper and faster pace now, letting her whines and gasps guide him to bring her to the brink.

“Let’s settle some questions from our texts before I fuck you senseless, love. Think you can take three?”

And then he pushed a third finger inside her, curling them to hit where he knew she most needed it. Her forehead fell against his at the stretch. She tried to capture his mouth in a kiss but was barely able to hold it as his pace became punishing, his thumb circling her clit. Drops of her arousal began dripping onto his wrist as she cried “fuck yes, please, fuck,” the telltale fluttering of her walls indicating how close she was.

He was so painfully hard now that it was taking everything in him to not throw her back and begin fucking her out of her mind. But somehow, his own delayed pleasure was insignificant compared to her burgeoning pleasure.

He was addicted to her now.

To the way she bit at his shoulder as he massaged at her insides, the way he had her cunt weeping on his fingers as her mouth wept her rising crescendo. The way he felt mindless as her sound became incoherent, his name melting into “oh oh oh” as he kept up a relentless stream of orders and encouragement.

“That’s it, Pen, that’s it–”

“Fuck, fuck Colin, fuck–”

Faster and faster as her movements became unrestrained and desperate.

“Oh yes, good girl, look how you take my fingers so well–”

Her cunt began clenching and unclenching as her orgasm crested and she bit down so hard at his skin he was sure she had torn through to the bone. It hurt and he thought he might finish inside his jeans from the red-hot surge of pleasured-pain.

“Oh, oh god, please Colin please–”

He wanted to bottle all her sounds up and listen to them as his own debauched playlist. Have evidence every single day that he made her scream, he made her break, he, Colin Bridgerton, brought her body to the heights of ecstasy as she had done to his soul.

“You want to break for me, don’t you? Cum for me, that’s it my love, I want you to soak my fingers come on–”

He felt her burst at last, his fingers being sucked in and then nearly expelled by her cunt as she broke. She drenched his fingers as he slowed down the feral strokes to a more soothing rhythm, letting her ride the final waves on him, loathe to remove his fingers from her.

“That’s one,” Pen whispered hoarsely, nuzzling into his neck as he grinned, nearly vibrating with laughter.

“Mhmm, the first of many.”

And then he sucked on his Pen-soaked fingers, moaning as her sharp musk hit his tongue and overwhelmed his senses.

Pen shifted her head, blushing furiously when she saw how enraptured he seemed, licking her essence off like a dessert.

“Colinnn–”

She shook her head as he smiled cockily at her.

“Penelopeee–” he drawled, lifting her off himself before he fell back against the pillow and tugged her towards him by the wrist.

She crawled over to him. A little shakily, he was incredibly proud to note. As soon as she was kneeling next to him, her fingers went to his belt, and she had only just undone the buckle when he halted her. She looked at him in confusion.

“Not yet.”

Not until he made another dream come true.

“C’mere,” he murmured, hooking his hand under her knee until she straddled his outstretched body once more.

“I want to see all of you too,” she pouted adorably, and it was so endearing that he fell even more in love with her.

“I know, and you will. But since you interrupted my dinner time, I would very much like to eat.”

The flush on her face painted her entire body as he maneuvered her by the hips, coaxing her to move forward. Her palms landed on his pecs for balance.

“Colin–you don’t have to–”

“Oh yes, I very much do,” he assured her, reaching up to cup her face and bring it down for a lazy, relaxing kiss. When he pulled back a fraction, she swallowed heavily.

“I don’t–I’ve never–I don’t want to hurt you or–” she stammered, her smile trembling when he stroked her cheek comfortingly with his knuckles.

She had never done this with anyone else? It was a miracle that he hadn’t busted a hole through his jeans with how impossibly stiff she was making him with everything she was saying and doing today.

“If you don’t want to, we won’t,” he reassured her, his voice hoarse from love and desire. “But you won’t hurt me. I’ve been…I haven’t done this in a long time and it’s not enough to just taste you. I want to fucking drown in you, Pen.”

She blinked at him, eyes wide even as he felt her body relax down on his torso.

“I do want to…but are you sure?”

As sure as he knew he was gonna spend the rest of his life with her.

“Please, Pen.”

He curled his fingers around her hips once more, tugging her to shuffle forward on her knees until she was sitting astride his upper chest, then met her eyes.

“Besides,” he waggled his eyebrows at her, “if the worst case scenario here is that I’m suffocated by the glorious cunt of Penelope Featherington, I will die the happiest man on earth.”

Penelope giggled, biting her lip when he mirrored her expression. Hoping his over-expressive features were adequately displaying how ecstatic he felt at having her here.

“If you say so…”

“I do say so. Now–” His hands drifted around to her arse, kneading slowly as he felt her breathing become labored once more. “Please let me fuck you with my mouth Miss Featherington.”

“Well sure,” she responded breathily, moving forward tentatively until he could smell her musk, so close to his chin, “if you want that as cause of death on your death certificate–oh fuck!”

“Fucking hell, are you okay?!

Now it was his turn to blush like a moron. In his enthusiasm to taste her, he had miscalculated and risen before she was fully settled on him, biting the bottom of her stomach and startling her into lurching head-first into the headboard.

“We’re a John Cleese act,” Pen laughed, rubbing her forehead as Colin tried to sit up and check on her. “I’m okay, at least your ritzy ass can afford a headboard that’s not made of concrete, so there’s that–”

“Finally a silver lining for the generations of labor exploitation and wealth,” Colin quipped, biting playfully at the inside of her thick and luscious thigh as she grabbed onto the top of the headboard and steadied herself.

“Yes,” Pen laughed nervously, “a win for capitalism if ever–oh…oh fuck–”

Her words got strangled in her throat as Colin pulled her down firmly by the hips, latching himself greedily to her still orgasm-damp folds, licking broadly up and down her seam as she shook like a leaf above him. He steadied her as she settled on his mouth, stiffening his tongue to swirl and tease down to her entrance once more, prodding at the opening lightly, just barely breaching the hot mess inside.

“Colin, shit I–oh–”

The symphony of the sounds he was pulling from her combined with the musky-sweet taste of her on his lips and tongue had him feeling as though he had imbibed an entire week’s worth of alcohol. His hands went to grope her generous arse, encouraging her to grind herself back and forth on his face even as she tried to remain somewhat controlled in her movements, her shoulder falling to the tufted headboard as though attempting to pace herself.

Now that wouldn’t do at all.

He pulled back with a filthy pop, pushing her off his mouth just barely until she met his eyes, looking as gone as he felt.

“I said I want to drown in you.” His voice was like gravel, strong and commanding. “So stop holding back and use me.”

“Col–”

Impatient, he yanked her back down and this time he didn’t hold back even a little, immediately sealing his lips over her clit and sucking hard as she nearly screamed, grinding her desperate core on his mouth.

“Oh god oh god…”

The words fell from her as a sacrilegious refrain as he upped the ante by humming against her, edging her forward slightly so he could fuck her properly on his tongue, stabbing into her over and over and one hand came around to rub wet, firm circles on her swollen clit.

He lapped away at her with months and years of pent up enthusiasm. Satiating his starvation of her arousal as it began dribbling onto his chin and he knew she was close once more. He wanted to die like this; face trapped between her thighs, the last music he ever listened to, the “Fuck, yes Colin, yes yes” that fell from her lips as his hands left her clit and he let his nose press against it, his tongue mimicking the dance of his fingers from minutes ago to bring her to the edge. Her legs began shaking as her moans became louder, and she began riding him untamed, chasing her pleasure wantonly on him.

A heady fog of joy and insanity clouded his mind as her taste clouded everything else. He was reduced down to his most primal parts, all touch, taste, smell as he kneaded her arse and consumed her whole, feeling the telltale tremors that indicated she was on the very edge of breaking. He licked back up to her clit once more, dragging her juices along the expanse, and then sucked on it one final time, hard, scraping his teeth with the gentlest of pressure on the skin and she broke like a tidal wave.

“Colin! Colin, I’m–I’m–”

She couldn’t finish her words, letting her convulsing body convey every message. He drank everything she gave him like a drought-ridden traveller in a desert, gulping from her as she poured for him. Penelope in his mouth and heart and soul, replacing everything that even vaguely resembled Colin inside him.

He continued to lick at her even as she came down from the peak; at the crease of her thighs, along her still moving cunt, content to just keep at her as long as he could until she moved off him shakily, scooting backwards on his body until she collapsed onto him in a heap.

He wiped his face with the back of his hand before he rolled her over, pressing her back into the mattress once more, hovering on his forearms.

“That’s two.”

He dropped his weight on hers for a long, lazy kiss, cock twitching when she tangled her tongue with his to steal the remnants of her flavor from his tongue. Her fingers curled around his hair once more, pulling his mouth from hers so he could meet her shining eyes.

“Class dismissed yet, Professor?”

He groaned, dropping his head to her shoulder to pepper kisses in the juncture where her neck and shoulder met.

“Don’t call me that, I’m about to tear through my trousers like a nuclear grenade as it is.”

She decided the appropriate response to that statement was to immediately snake her perfect little hands between their bodies to palm firmly at his erection.

“Let me repay you for your troubles, Professor.”

“Fuck, Pen–”

He began canting his hips into her touch, mouth trailing mildly bruising pecks at her throat.

“About time you did,” she quipped, before she pried his belt apart and tugged his zipper down. He raised his hips as she took his jeans and boxers off in one fell swoop, and he wriggled his feet out of them.

He had mere seconds to process the fact that he was naked before her fist closed around the base of his throbbing shaft and he closed his eyes, nearly hissing at the sensation.

“Penelope, I–”

He was instantly overwhelmed and incoherent. So overwhelmed that he could barely look at her, barely name the whirlwind of emotions coursing through him as she began pumping him in measured, determined strokes.

It was the first touch.

Not just the first touch in two years but the first time someone he loved, who truly loved him back, was seeing him like this. Handling him like this. And it was too much, he didn’t know what he was supposed to feel–

“Colin–”

The tenderness in her voice somehow made the whirlwind into a tsunami and he shook his head.

“Colin, look at me, hey–”

Her hands left his cock and cradled his face gently. He tried to calm his breathing, trying to inhale and exhale deeply and regain some equilibrium.

He didn’t know what was wrong with him. When it was all about her pleasure, he felt unhinged and overcome with joy. But when it was his turn–

It had never really been his turn. Not like this.

Pen took his glasses off gently before she placed a ghost of a kiss on his right eyelid.

He began shaking.

He had been kissed in the throes of lust, but never like he was anything precious.

A kiss on his left eyelid.

Never like he deserved to be handled with care.

A kiss on both his cheeks.

Tears stung behind his eyes and he swallowed heavily to keep them at bay.

“Look at me, Col.”

It was the reassurance in her whisper that made him open his eyes. And his soul was torn out of him, flying into her hands and absorbed into her body.

She loved him.

She had said it and he had believed her but now it was in her eyes in a way that flooded his entire existence.

She combed through his curls unhurriedly.

“It’s okay. It’s me and you. I have you.”

She was reading his mind and soothing his fears. Everything she was… it was so much more than anything he ever thought he could have.

“I wish it had been us from the beginning.”

“Today can be our beginning.”

It was what he had thought earlier and she had said it as though there was a string tethered straight from him to her. As though they vibrated to the same frequency.

Maybe they always had.

“No one else for me, Pen.”

He should have been terrified to say that this soon, but he felt like he had been travelling forever just for his final destination to have been waiting at the home he left. And now he couldn’t wait another moment for her to know.

Her smile grew slowly until it made her whole face blossom and he wanted to paint himself in the colors of her happiness until it all became his and he became hers.

“I’d like to keep you from now until the twentieth of forever, if you could please verify your availability on your calendar.”

She was exquisite.

He drank her laughter into his mouth and let it echo all the way down to his lungs and heart and all the organs which kept him alive. Now he felt like he could actually begin living.

And the thunderbolts of disbelief inside him quietened to a pitter patter of raindrops as she began stroking him again and he let himself just feel.

Tethered himself to his own limbs and muscles, bones and sinew, let every atom that comprised him swirl into a complete portrait made from disparate elements.

Ran his fingers back to her center, teasing and coaxing her back to arousal as her back arched up, her rhythms on his cock faltering when his fingers stretched her again, joyously at home inside her welcoming warmth and wetness.

“Please,” she begged him, bending her knees up to bracket his body once more and guiding the tip of him to coat himself in her slick before notching just the tip of him at her entrance. “Please, Colin.”

He tried to gather the two brain cells he had left to clarify something before they lost what tenuous control they possessed.

“Do you–should I grab a condom? I’m safe and you know I haven’t been with anyone for two years now but–”

Pen’s cheeks glowed a bit at his question and she worried her bottom lip near shyly. Colin leaned down to nudge his nose against hers.

“Whatever you want is fine, Pen.”

“I want to feel you,” she admitted, looking up at him through her eyelashes. “I’m on the pill… and I also… I haven’t been with anyone in a year. Not... not since you started visiting more frequently and I was hoping maybe it meant you’d be back permanently soon and maybe I could tell you…”

Her voice drifted off as she waited for his reaction, and his blood felt so hot he was sure he would melt into nothing right then and there.

“I would have come back ages ago if I knew,” he said hoarsely, regret for the time wasted and gratitude for being with her now finding him in equal measure.

Pen looked at where his leaking cock rested heavily against her, having slipped out, as though it too was waiting for permission to finally take what it wanted. Like his heart had for so long.

“Fuck me now.”

His blood turned to lava. He took himself in hand, inhaled deeply as her hands rested on his shoulders and began pushing in slowly.

Dying and being rebirthed with every inch that he fed into her cunt, her walls molding themselves to him. The only sound in the room was their synchronized, irregular breathing as he was enveloped by her. She dug her nails sharply into his deltoids when he bottomed out and stopped, letting the moment sink in.

Letting her calibrate to his intrusion as he calibrated himself to the miracle of the moment.

He was home.

More home inside her than he had been in the hundreds of homes he had tried and failed to build on his travels.

Throbbing with the need to move but not wanting to rush the moment and trying to savor every cadence of what he was feeling, what he hoped she was feeling. He brushed wisps of hair off her slightly damp brow and her eyes fell shut at his touch for a quick moment before she spoke.

“The next step would be to move.”

He rolled his eyes at her, nipping playfully at her bottom lip.

“Thank you, it may have been two years but I have done this before…”

“We can talk about your slut era later.”

And before he could respond to her sassiness, she clenched herself purposefully around him and made him jerk inside her.

“Penelope Featherington!” he scolded. She grinned cheekily at him, clenching once more, until he grabbed her wrists and locked them above her head, pulling nearly all the way out of her before he thrust back in vigorously.

She keened, her hips lifting off the bed to meet him as he repeated the same motion a few times, dragging his cock out slowly so she could feel every second of the burn, then pushing right back rapidly. Angling his lower half so his pelvis rubbed at her clit with every thrust and she began undulating wildly under him, desperately seeking more friction.

“Stop torturing me,” she pleaded.

“Not such a brat now, huh?”

He began rolling his hips against her at a punishing pace, making her wail as the sticky sounds of flesh slapping against flesh filled the room like a sordid orchestra. Pen did her best to match his pace, and he felt himself rapidly hurtling towards his own orgasm.

Too soon.

Too soon, but it had been two fucking years and she felt like heaven and she was still so wet from her previous two orgasms that he could feel and hear the squelch of their joining and he felt delirious.

“Harder, please, harder!”

He freed her wrists and pulled her legs up so they were hooked over his arms, spreading her wider for him. He shifted up slightly on his knees and then began fucking into her as hard as she wanted, near feverish with love and faint with lust. The only sounds that existed were her breathless “unhs” as he pounded her into the bed, the dribbles of sweat that fell from his forehead onto her rosy skin, her fingers clawing at his back as he felt her beginning to pulse around his cock once more.

He was barely holding on. He had barely been holding on since the day he had met her, and he loved her and wanted to spend the rest of his life fucking her and loving her until he died. He wanted to be known as the man obliterated by her love.

“Oh yes, that’s it, that’s it,” she whined, her own hand reaching between them to rub furiously at her clit.

“My Pen, my love, made for me, made for my cock–”

He felt as senseless as the nonsensical stream of words that fell out of him as they both worked each other towards the finish line.

“I’m going to fuck you so well, so good Pen, so good to me,” he rambled as she scraped and tore at his skin and he swam in her cries. “My love, mine, mine–”

“All yours, Colin,” she swore nearly inaudibly, her words hazy through their fog. “Only yours, Colin. Cum in me, fill me, make me yours.”

He broke at that, grunting as his release tore through him and she followed him right after, milking him dry as he spurted inside her, near endlessly it felt.

For a few sweaty and exhausted moments his body stayed heavily atop hers, both of them trying and barely succeeding in catching their breaths. When he began softening inside her, he pulled out and tugged her into his side, kissing her brow and tasting the salt of her exertions and the Penelope of her love for him.

She twisted sideways, reaching behind her to grab at his discarded glasses and place them lovingly back on his face, tucking her head under his chin. He embraced her even tighter, draping his leg over her smaller frame. She kissed him over his heartbeat, basking silently in the afterglow as he did.

He felt completely and utterly wrecked.

Wrecked for anyone that wasn’t her.

Wrecked for finally knowing what making love meant, and that it wasn’t a cliche, it was connecting to another human being like he had to her. Wanting to hold her and fuck her and celebrate the very fact that she was in the same universe as him, that some deity or miracle had seen fit to have him in her orbit.

Had seen fit to have Colin Bridgerton be loved as he was. Heart too loud, emotions too uncontained, always just a smidgen too much. But somehow, in her arms, enough.

“Hell of a welcome to Spain. My new favourite country,” Pen broke the silence after a few minutes.

“Yes, the Spanish are very big on hospitality.”

“And they chose your cock as the ambassador. I salute their decision making.”

“Like you were complaining. That was three, by the way.”

“Intro to calculus for raging sluts.”

And they dissolved into laughter once more, entangled in the mess they had made on the bed and the mess they had made of each other.

But whatever else they were, they were each other’s mess.

iMessage chat between Colin Bridgerton and Penelope Featherington, 9:15 pm

*Colin has changed Penelope’s name to @Colin’s Stalker*

*Penelope has changed Colin’s name to @Pen’s Puppy*

Colin’s Stalker: Google search: what to do when the man who supposedly “loves you” abandons you after shagging you because he only wanted you for your body 💔💔💔

Pen’s Puppy: YOU sent me to get the magic paella. I was content with room service!

Colin’s Stalker: Eating ME out twice does not count as dinner

Pen’s Puppy: Disagree. Got my daily recommended intake of vitamin P 😏

Colin’s Stalker: You’re such a slut

Pen’s Puppy: Exclusively for you

Colin’s Stalker: whfrhhfrkufwueiqem

Colin’s Stalker: I am still feeling abandoned

Pen’s Puppy: I am half a block away!

Colin’s Stalker: I will now swoon like a regency damsel in distress while you call the butler for my smelling salts

Pen’s Puppy: Once again, YOU asked me to leave. Remember that part?

Colin’s Stalker: Years of abandoning me in England wasn’t enough, you had to take the trust issues GLOBAL

Pen’s Puppy: 😑😑😑😑😑😑

Colin’s Stalker: Good thing I collected photographic evidence to blackmail you with in case you try and abandon me once we’re back in the motherland

Pen’s Puppy: WHAT photographic evidence? 🤨

Colin’s Stalker: *two images sent*

Pen’s Puppy: PENELOPE ANNE

Colin’s Stalker: May I help you? ☺️

Pen’s Puppy: When did you take that 4K shot of my arse like a pervert?

Colin’s Stalker: Must you make everything sound filthy?

Colin’s Stalker: I’m just trying to launch my photography career

Colin’s Stalker: God forbid a girl have a work ethic in this economy

Pen’s Puppy: You’re a goddamn menace

Colin’s Stalker: Umm this is literally me? 😇

Pen’s Puppy: No magic paella for you

Colin’s Stalker: Sigh

Colin’s Stalker: Guess I’ll take these off then

Colin’s Stalker: *one image sent*

Pen’s Puppy: ……….

Pen’s Puppy: Tell me you are not wearing what I think you’re wearing!

Colin’s Stalker: Underwear? I’m not shameless like you, I don’t prance around with my arse hanging out for the world to see

Pen’s Puppy: You waited for me to fucking leave the room and decided to put the striptease bra and knickers on?! You are an actual sociopath

Colin’s Stalker: No paella for me, no green underwear for you

Colin's Stalker: And to think, in order to thank you for the magic paella, I had an appetizer I planned to devour of a very non-culinary persuasion

Pen’s Puppy: BJJHHLGJIFKCKFMJDHKM!!!

Colin's Stalker: Interesting how your scrambly text started with BJ. But alas. Not meant to be.

Colin’s Stalker: Am taking it all off

Pen's Puppy: DON'T YOU DARE!

Pen's Puppy: I will be there in four minutes!!!

Colin's Stalker: With my magic paella like a good little puppy?

Pen's Puppy: With whatever you want Lucifer!!!

Colin's Stalker: I'm gonna exploit you so bad now that you're officially in your slut for Pen era 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️

Pen's Puppy: Haven't I always been?

Colin's Stalker: jjekememensbebeneb!!!

Chapter Text

iMessage chat between Colin Bridgerton and Penelope Featherington, 7:45 am

*Penelope has changed Colin’s name to @ShagsMeGood*

*Colin has changed Penelope’s name to @MagicLadyBits*

ShagsMeGood: I hate London

MagicLadyBits: Every. Single. Time.

ShagsMeGood: I mean it. Every. single. time.

ShagsMeGood: It’s hard enough having to leave you at bloody 7:00 am because I work at the other end of the country

ShagsMeGood: But TODAY. Of all days.

ShagsMeGood: On the six month anniversary of the day we declared our eternal fealty to one another!

ShagsMeGood: Wait, I’m looking under my seat to see if there’s anything sharp to stab myself with

MagicLadyBits: As long as you aren’t being melodramatic about this 😘

MagicLadyBits: And don’t blame our six month anniversary. You’re a mopey bastard every single time you sleep over here and have to leave early

ShagsMeGood: Well excuse me for wanting quality time with the love of my life

MagicLadyBits: I am going to ban you from sleeping over at mine if you have a meltdown every time

ShagsMeGood: I think ‘sleeping’ is a bit of a misnomer 😏

MagicLadyBits: Must you be such a slut when I haven’t even had my morning coffee yet?

ShagsMeGood: Can’t relate, had a hearty breakfast myself 😁

MagicLadyBits: Is that what the NHS is calling it now?

ShagsMeGood: Covered all major food groups didn’t I?

MagicLadyBits: Sorry, remind me again which food group consists of you shoving your face between my legs at 6:00 am?

ShagsMeGood: Umm, protein? Since that includes all animal by-products

MagicLadyBits: Omg if you say what I think you’re about to I will lose my lady boner forever

ShagsMeGood: Penelope, as a gentleman of the 21st century, I take nutrition very seriously. Eating 🐱is part of a well-balanced diet and I will not be shamed for putting my health first

MagicLadyBits: Give me a minute, just re-activating my Hinge account

ShagsMeGood: 🔪💔

MagicLadyBits: Dating filters must be the exact opposite of you: ooh, maybe a nice blonde vegan

ShagsMeGood: What kind of a psychopath would date a blonde vegan?

MagicLadyBits: One who needs her boyfriend’s sense of humor to not be that of a virgin who just discovered PornHub?

ShagsMeGood: Remember when you still loved me? That was fun 😭

MagicLadyBits: Best five minutes of our lives 😞

ShagsMeGood: You’re just lucky I’m a big whore for the circus aerobics you like to perform on my cock every time we sleep over

MagicLadyBits: God forbid a girl want a cuddle with her king kong sized boyfriend

ShagsMeGood: Penelope, baby, sweetheart

MagicLadyBits: Get to the point already

ShagsMeGood: Honey, sugar, love muffin

MagicLadyBits: Call me love muffin again, I dare you 🙂

ShagsMeGood: You rubbing your arse into my cock isn’t exactly ‘cuddling’

MagicLadyBits: The hole you were burrowing through me like you were trying to tunnel your way to China didn’t really feel like a complaint either

ShagsMeGood: No one judged the little engine that could for its ambition

MagicLadyBits: Oh well sure, when THAT'S the bar

ShagsMeGood: Stop mocking me while I am in throes of raging depression because I have to be away from you today

ShagsMeGood: Also, I've decided we need more anniversaries to make up for not being able to spend this one together

MagicLadyBits: Such as the day you first realized you were in love with me? 😁 Bet your dorky arse has that marked on his calendar

ShagsMeGood: Excuse me, there are some limitations to my pathetic

MagicLadyBits: So you'll show me your journal when you get back today?

ShagsMeGood: Oh…my journals all burned down in the great fire of ‘22 😬😬😬

MagicLadyBits: HA! Doesn't it ever embarrass you how pathetically in love with me you are? 🙂‍↕️

ShagsMeGood: You know I have a moment or two, but it's immediately rectified by making you scream like a banshee everytime I get you naked 😏

MagicLadyBits: Oh get over yourself

ShagsMeGood: Shall we revisit the transcript of what happened at the Bridgerton brunch last month?

MagicLadyBits: I'm blocking you and going on a date with my new vegan boyfriend

ShagsMeGood: What did Ben say when he found us coming out of the broom cupboard?

MagicLadyBits: Nothing good comes of being friends with the Bridgertons. Mum tried to warn me

ShagsMeGood: “No judgement on whatever you were doing in there, but it sounded like someone was being murdered so maybe take it to the library next time? It's at least soundproof.” 😎😎😎

MagicLadyBits: 😑😑😑

MagicLadyBits: I am revoking your ‘fucking Pen in public places’ permit indefinitely

ShagsMeGood: *sends Michael Scott no god please no gif*

ShagsMeGood: Don't take that away from me!!! I am a middle child, Penelope

ShagsMeGood: Eternally neglected and overlooked. Tottenham football and fucking you in public places is all I have on the dark days

MagicLadyBits: Actions have consequences babe 😘

ShagsMeGood: I'm sorry I am just distraught beyond endurance at being separated today 😞

MagicLadyBits: I hate being separated too, so you know

MagicLadyBits: I'm just more emotionally stable and able to handle it like a grown adult

ShagsMeGood: This a bad time to point out how you cried when I recited Wentworth’s entire letter to Anne for you by heart..?

MagicLadyBits: 😑😑😑

MagicLadyBits: Do you even WANT to see my tits ever again?

ShagsMeGood: Nooooo, don't deprive me of Contessa and Marchioness please I will literally DIE

MagicLadyBits: Contessa and Marchioness have you on probation

MagicLadyBits: And one day, not today, but one day I will teach you what ‘literally’ means so you can stop massacring the English language every time you’re having a breakdown 🙄

ShagsMeGood: My blood sugar is dangerously low and I am sad and depressed

ShagsMeGood: If I lose access to my goddesses I will wither away into a pile of Colin goo

MagicLadyBits: Not ten seconds ago you were bragging about what a hearty breakfast you ate

ShagsMeGood: Yes. And while those nutrients keep my soul endlessly satiated, they are doing little for the literal hunger of my stomach

ShagsMeGood: The clown sitting next to me keeps glaring at me because my stomach sounds like a helicopter’s landing

MagicLadyBits: There are at least fifty cafes between my flat and your station, why didn’t you pick breakfast up like a big boy?

ShagsMeGood: I’d have had to leave another fifteen minutes early and that’s a resounding NO

MagicLadyBits: Or you could’ve just made yourself something since the chicken I bought last month actually laid some eggs, which I conveniently store in my fridge

ShagsMeGood: And while no one is a bigger slut for a good omelette than me, making breakfast would mean at least HALF AN HOUR less with you

ShagsMeGood: Big Fucking No

MagicLadyBits: My poor baby, torturing himself with near starvation just to get an extra few minutes with me

ShagsMeGood: I would boycott tea like the boston tea party and forfeit my British citizenship for an extra few minutes with you 🥺

MagicLadyBits: The patriot in me hates everything you just wrote but the woman in me who loves you is so turned on that I’m probably going to finger myself to that text

ShagsMeGood: Thank you, Pen

ShagsMeGood: A public erection is just the thing to distract me from my hunger

MagicLadyBits: I am very solution oriented

ShagsMeGood: 😒

MagicLadyBits: How about I come stay at yours for a few days?

MagicLadyBits: I’m ahead of my deadline on the manuscript edits for Agatha, and I don’t have to get in to the office too early the next little while

ShagsMeGood: But you still have to get up an hour earlier than usual to make it to work on time

ShagsMeGood: I don’t want your routine all fucked

MagicLadyBits: YOU have to do that when you stay at mine

ShagsMeGood: Yes but having my brother as my boss means I can show up late occasionally and he can’t fire me

MagicLadyBits: I mean technically Ant could fire you…

ShagsMeGood: He could, but if YOU fuck up at work you can’t use the line “I’m gonna tell mum,” whereas I can 😄

MagicLadyBits: My boyfriend, the two year old 😘

MagicLadyBits: You have about 15 minutes left on the commute?

ShagsMeGood: Probably, I stopped paying attention around when you mentioned my face between your legs

ShagsMeGood: I could be way past my stop now

ShagsMeGood: Maybe I’m lost and will never find my horny hungry way back home again 😭

MagicLadyBits: I’m going to sew a little ‘if found please return to Penelope Featherington’ label on all your trousers

ShagsMeGood: Do it right over the crotch, so they know both my heart and my 🍆only belong to one woman

MagicLadyBits: Can’t wait to debut those trousers in front of Violet at the next brunch

ShagsMeGood: 🤌🤌🤌

MagicLadyBits: Okay, I have a way we can honor our six month anniversary AND sufficiently distract you from horny hunger until you reach your stop

ShagsMeGood: If you feel that sending me a 4K video of the aforementioned fingering is the right way to commemorate this occasion, you have my full support

MagicLadyBits: That was the original plan, yes, but then I reconsidered the fingering

ShagsMeGood: Because you want me to have nothing in life?

MagicLadyBits: Because I think we should play a round of Two Truths and a Lie. You know, to honor our roots

ShagsMeGood: So that’s a definitive no on the fingering video then..?

MagicLadyBits: I’m missing my imaginary vegan boyfriend so much right now

ShagsMeGood: Blonde vegan fuckface couldn’t possibly make you come so loud you break the sound barrier

MagicLadyBits: I love that you’ve given a non-existent man an insulting nickname

ShagsMeGood: Everyone knows vegans can’t make good love Penelope. It’s just science

MagicLadyBits: Can’t knock it till I’ve tried it 😏

ShagsMeGood: No

ShagsMeGood: I’ll start!

ShagsMeGood: I am desperately craving a sausage roll, I am not thinking about motorboating Contessa and Marchioness right now, and I can still smell your body lotion on my shirt

MagicLadyBits: Not even trying to make it hard

ShagsMeGood: Don’t want to take away your job security

MagicLadyBits: Two is obviously the lie and Contessa and Marchioness told me to tell you they miss you as well

MagicLadyBits: They have decided to dress themselves up in that skimpy silky red bra I bought for them last month to cope

ShagsMeGood: 😑😑😑

ShagsMeGood: Google search: support groups in London for people in love with the Antichrist

MagicLadyBits: Love you too

MagicLadyBits: My turn. I am about to eat a chocolate croissant for breakfast, I secretly ordered a bluetooth vibrator for couple’s play for you to control me with, and I wish for the ability to fly

ShagsMeGood: Okay, theoretically I’m thinking the third is the lie because you’re two feet tall and would be eaten up by an eagle if you ever took flight

MagicLadyBits: 🖕

ShagsMeGood: BUT if the second is a lie I will literally open the emergency window and jump out of the moving tube

MagicLadyBits: *send Mr. Burns cackling excellent gif*

ShagsMeGood: Please tell me the croissant or the flying thing is a lie please

MagicLadyBits: YOU’RE supposed to do the guessing

ShagsMeGood: *praying to every deity I don’t believe in plus Thor for good effect* I’d think you’d be more into super speed than flying so three is the lie?

MagicLadyBits: Oh thank god you’re not just a pretty face

MagicLadyBits: Had me worried there for a minute

ShagsMeGood: The bluetooth vibrator is real!!! I am not the middle child in the kingdom of god, he loves me 🥹🥹🥹🥹

MagicLadyBits: I adore you dropping random bits of your familial trauma in the middle of your horny spirals

ShagsMeGood: Good thing my Penussy-murdering cock makes up for my emotional baggage 😎

MagicLadyBits: NO

ShagsMeGood: But it’s so funny 🥹👉👈

MagicLadyBits: I already said no. Call it the Penussy once more and the only time you’ll see it will be in your wet dreams

ShagsMeGood: No one appreciates my pathetic sense of humor

ShagsMeGood: Maybe I should reactivate my Hinge account and find someone who speaks the same language as me

MagicLadyBits: Take it easy Tower of Babel, little Colin only came out of retirement because of ME

ShagsMeGood: And I think you can agree that his performance has been stellar since he did

MagicLadyBits: You aren’t going to distract me into complimenting your sex skills

ShagsMeGood: *sends Liam Nesson what I do have is a very specific set of skills gif*

ShagsMeGood: Also, remind me again how long it had been since YOU had sex until Madrid?

MagicLadyBits: Not the same, I CHOSE not to have sex. You literally couldn’t

ShagsMeGood: You realize that’s a point in MY favor, yes?

ShagsMeGood: My body wouldn’t cooperate, you voluntarily stayed celibate on the off chance you’d get some good ol’ Colin-lovin’

MagicLadyBits: Okay Temu Clint Eastwood, whatever you say

ShagsMeGood: Speaking of cowgirls…😏

MagicLadyBits: You’re just lucky you decided to move back when you did, Ben was starting to look pretty hot to me for a minute there

ShagsMeGood: No

MagicLadyBits: I mean he’s an ARTIST. The magic he could probably do with those fingers 🥵

ShagsMeGood: Brb, googling countries that don’t extradite to England so I’m not jailed for fratricide

MagicLadyBits: Let’s keep going, your turn Benedict

MagicLadyBits: Shit, sorry, Colin 😬

ShagsMeGood: I’m booking a flight to Madrid, it was nice being your plaything

MagicLadyBits: No you’re not, you’d miss me too much

MagicLadyBits: Also-

MagicLadyBits: *one image sent*

ShagsMeGood: Is that what I think it is…

MagicLadyBits: I don’t know, what do you think it is? 😉

ShagsMeGood: It has so many buttons 👀

MagicLadyBits: All the more for you to play with my dear 😉

ShagsMeGood: You’re so pretty 😍

MagicLadyBits: And you fold like a cheap rug. Two more turns and then I have to get going

ShagsMeGood: Booooo

ShagsMeGood: Okay. I want to take you to Venice for our first anniversary since that’s where my travels began, Matthew Goode is sitting on the tube next to me, and I once carved Colin + Penelope into a tree trunk at Aubrey Hall

MagicLadyBits: Is Matthew single? 😏

ShagsMeGood: Zooming in on the toy pic to remind myself the damned also deserve love 😑

MagicLadyBits: Okay I have a thousand follow up questions on the vacation, so first tell me WHEN you carved that into a tree?

ShagsMeGood: No

ShagsMeGood: Your turn

MagicLadyBits: Oh there's a story here 😁

ShagsMeGood: Oh no, my stop’s arrived goodbye Penelope

MagicLadyBits: I will meet you at the door this evening in the silky red set PLUS the stockings and suspenders business if you tell me 🙂‍↕️

ShagsMeGood: I am NOT that easy!

MagicLadyBits: 🕐🕑🕒🕓

ShagsMeGood: Okay so it was really close to when Marina fucked me around, which wasn't even a huge surprise

ShagsMeGood: And I had mentally sort of checked out by that time anyways and all I could think about how much happier I was just being your friend than her anything

ShagsMeGood: And that Christmas you came over to Aubrey and you looked like a bloody angel in that silver dress and your mermaid hair and I kept imagining what it would be like if I were with YOU instead

ShagsMeGood: So I snuck out and carved it on that ancient Willow by the lake

ShagsMeGood: And so you better be in that bloody suspenders set tonight because I've earned it, dammit!

MagicLadyBits: I love you very much, I hope you know that

ShagsMeGood: Vaguely suspected it, but confirmation is always nice

ShagsMeGood: Love you more than very much

MagicLadyBits: Everything's a competition 🙄😘

MagicLadyBits: Okay…circling back to our original issue with this one

ShagsMeGood: 👀👂

MagicLadyBits: I am wearing a green blouse with a black skirt for work today, I am planning on having a caprese salad for lunch, and I have maybe been looking at flats we could live in together, midway between both our workplaces

ShagsMeGood: You set your work outfit out last night so I know that’s true

MagicLadyBits: Uh huh

ShagsMeGood: And didn’t you call caprese salads a ‘pretentious wannabe sandwich without the bread’?

MagicLadyBits: Sounds like me, yes

ShagsMeGood: You’re…wait why are we doing this convo over a text and not in person?

MagicLadyBits: We told each other we love each other over a text game, I figured we should save all the serious stuff for a game

ShagsMeGood: Pen…

MagicLadyBits: Okay so maybe I was feeling a bit nervy, but seeing you spiral over not getting enough time together, again, I thought: fuck it

MagicLadyBits: And this way if you aren’t ready to move in together I don’t have to make eye contact with you

ShagsMeGood: At what point between me moaning that I skipped breakfast to spend ten extra minutes with you and inventing new anniversaries to celebrate did you get the indication I WOULDN’T want to live with you?

MagicLadyBits: 🥹🥹🥹

MagicLadyBits: Google search: Central london flats on a higher floor so we can enact a ‘no clothes in the house’ rule and Colin can walk around naked all day without worrying about pervy window lurkers

ShagsMeGood: YOU are the biggest pervy window lurker of my life

MagicLadyBits: I am a literal innocent angel baby descended from the heavens

ShagsMeGood: You have a folder in your phone literally named ‘High Def Colin Arse Pics’

MagicLadyBits: Maybe it shouldn’t look like a big ripe juicy peach then, Colin. I am the victim

ShagsMeGood: Let’s go with that

MagicLadyBits: So…

ShagsMeGood: So…how long have you been doing this research…?

MagicLadyBits: Maybe a few weeks…

ShagsMeGood: You’ll feel better about this when you go through MY browser history

MagicLadyBits: Oh yeah? 🥹

ShagsMeGood: A guy can only be separated from Penelope Featherington for so long without losing his everloving mind

MagicLadyBits: Bold of you to assume you were ever in possession of your everloving mind

ShagsMeGood: Awfully sassy from the woman who wants to move in with me so she can have unfettered access to my peachy arse

MagicLadyBits: Shut up

MagicLadyBits: I really do think we should have the rest of this convo in person tonight when you come to mine

ShagsMeGood: Agreed

ShagsMeGood: But so you know, I am 200% on board

MagicLadyBits: ❤️❤️❤️

MagicLadyBits: You don’t think it’s too soon?

ShagsMeGood: We’ve known each other our whole lives

ShagsMeGood: There is no couple more qualified in all of London to live together frankly

MagicLadyBits: Agreed

MagicLadyBits: Now you go and earn some money for us so we can find a super bougie flat and my long con of becoming a gold digger can finally pay off

ShagsMeGood: I am the luckiest bastard in all of England

MagicLadyBits: And why is that? I know already but I like to hear it over and over 😄

ShagsMeGood: Because my wife is the cleverest, sweetest, most beautiful, funniest person on the planet

MagicLadyBits: Your…what?!?

Chapter Text

iMessage chat between Colin Bridgerton and Penelope Featherington, 10:07 pm

*Penelope has changed Colin’s name to @SugarDaddy*

*Colin has changed Penelope’s name to @TrophyWife*

SugarDaddy: MY LOVEEEEEEEE

SugarDaddy: Did I spell LOVE write?

SugarDaddy: Right?***

SugarDaddy: Because LOVE is a human RIGHT not a human WRONG

TrophyWife: Oh dear lord

TrophyWife: You dumb bitches did absinthe, didn’t you?

SugarDaddy: Beneledict is getting MARRIED pen

SugarDaddy: He said anyone who is walking in a STRAIGHT line is out of the wedding party

SugarDaddy: Killjoy bastard

SugarDaddy: I think we also smoked a spliff because penguins are tickling my feet

TrophyWife: Of course they are. Are you wearing shoes?

SugarDaddy: How do I find out?

TrophyWife: Thank god you’re pretty

TrophyWife: Look down at your feet. Are they covered by something that has laces?

SugarDaddy: Lemme check brb

SugarDaddy: I’m back sorry it took so long

TrophyWife: You were gone two seconds 🙂

SugarDaddy: It seems I am wearing SHOES

TrophyWife: Indoor texting voice babe, I can hear without the caps lock I promise

SugarDaddy: I am not yelling

SugarDaddy: I am being EMOTIONALLY EXPRESSIVE

SugarDaddy: Fuck me you’re pretty did you have that dp taken in a studio?? 😍

TrophyWife: You took that picture my love

SugarDaddy: And your pictures are the only ones in the camera of my HEART

SugarDaddy: That was beautiful I’m gonna write a book

TrophyWife: That really was beautiful ♥️

TrophyWife: Are you hydrating?

SugarDaddy: With water?

TrophyWife: Yes…

TrophyWife: I hope

SugarDaddy: I think so, unless this beer is very clear

SugarDaddy: I rhymed

TrophyWife: Why are you on your phone when you’re out celebrating Ben’s engagement?

TrophyWife: Bad manners Mister Bridgerton

SugarDaddy: Aghh fuck me don’t call me that you know what it does to me

TrophyWife: Do I? 😏

SugarDaddy: Evil wife

TrophyWife: 😇

TrophyWife: Where's the rest of the drunken fuckers?

SugarDaddy: Okay Ben went out for fresh air and Anthony is trying to lick Kate through the phone

SugarDaddy: Greg is throwing up in the loo

SugarDaddy: I think Simon is sexting Daph 🤢 he keeps smiling weirdly

SugarDaddy: John is reading a book because I think he likes them better than people

TrophyWife: Relatable

SugarDaddy: And Phil asked El to pick him up an hour ago I think he finds us a bit much

SugarDaddy: Maybe because I’m not a cactus 😂😂😂

TrophyWife: 🤣🤣🤣 I love you so much

SugarDaddy: You're mine 😍

SugarDaddy: After this we are going to go play drunk laser tag and maybe egg Fife’s car

TrophyWife: So everyone is making healthy, grown up choices?

SugarDaddy: PEN

SugarDaddy: FUCK

SugarDaddy: I just had an…

SugarDaddy: What’s that word when things come to you like 🤯!!!!

TrophyWife: An epiphany?

SugarDaddy: YES

SugarDaddy: Had me one of those

SugarDaddy: Okay so his name is BEN and that rhymes with PEN

TrophyWife: And…?

SugarDaddy: And we have to change his fucking name Pen!

SugarDaddy: Only my name should rhyme with yours

TrophyWife: Love, your name is Colin

TrophyWife: That doesn’t rhyme with Pen. Or Penelope

SugarDaddy: So you hate me?

TrophyWife: Yes, that is the logical conclusion here

SugarDaddy: Okay we can just call him Benedict from now on

SugarDaddy: Gonna change his name to Eggs Benedict in my contacts

TrophyWife: Very mature 😘

SugarDaddy: Sophie told me she thinks you should MARRY ME

SugarDaddy: And I think we should because I want ginger babies Pen

SugarDaddy: Little Penelopes with your hair and your eyes and your nose and your…everything?

SugarDaddy: They can have your everything you're perfect

TrophyWife: We can share the genetic lottery

TrophyWife: How about my hair and YOUR eyes?

SugarDaddy: So you WANT to marry me and have my babies ? 😭😭😭

TrophyWife: We’ve been engaged for six months Col

TrophyWife: So at some point, me wanting to marry you was implied yes?

SugarDaddy: We're engaged??? 😍😍😍😍

SugarDaddy: This is the happiest day of life

SugarDaddy: Not just of MY life. Of LIFE on earth, period

SugarDaddy: We beat Ben????

TrophyWife: Yes, yes we did 😘

SugarDaddy: I am going to make so much love to you tonight Pen

SugarDaddy: No sleep. Takeanap

SugarDaddy: Take. a. Nap.

SugarDaddy: And then I will make sweet, slow, romantic love to you until your brain melts

TrophyWife: Let's discuss that once you have some coffee in you 🤪

SugarDaddy: And then, we can shower and then I can make even more love to my Finance! Fiance?

TrophyWife: Your finance is waiting patiently for you 😋

SugarDaddy: What are you wearing?

TrophyWife: Are you trying to drunk sext me with your brothers sitting around you?

SugarDaddy: They're all doing it too

SugarDaddy: I am falling in their footsteps

SugarDaddy: Following***********

TrophyWife: I am not wearing anything

SugarDaddy: WHAT 🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠

TrophyWife: I am soaking in a nice bubble bath

SugarDaddy: I will require pictures of your bubble covered breasts for scientific purposes

TrophyWife: My tits get involved and suddenly your drunken grammar is flawless 🙄

SugarDaddy: *one image sent*

TrophyWife: Did you just send me a picture of a glass of water to trade for a tits pic? 🧐

SugarDaddy: To show I am a good boy who hydrates PLEASE Penelope 🥹🥹🥹

TrophyWife: Sigh

TrophyWife: *one image sent*

SugarDaddy: OMG I am calling an Uber you stay in that TUB!!!

SugarDaddy: I am going to come home and pop those bubbles ONE BY ONE

SugarDaddy: And then I am going to kiss you clean and rinse your pretty hair

SugarDaddy: Your hair always smells like eucalyptus and dreams

TrophyWife: How are you simultaneously a drunken buffoon and the sweetest man alive?

SugarDaddy: I contain LAYERS Penelope

SugarDaddy: Am I an onion?

TrophyWife: Yes

TrophyWife: It’s 90% of why I’m marrying you

SugarDaddy: I am marrying you 50% for your perfect brain

SugarDaddy: 70% for your disarming WITS

TrophyWife: Did you capitalize wits to make sure you didn’t accidentally type tits? 😜

SugarDaddy: Attorney-Tits confidentiality

SugarDaddy: And 63% for your pretty face

TrophyWife: So my beauty is more important to you than my brains?

SugarDaddy: OMFG

SugarDaddy: Pen NO I would NEVER

SugarDaddy: I’m not shallow, I am not a kiddie pool Pen I swear

TrophyWife: Oh god I was just joking Col, I’m sorry

SugarDaddy: No I’m not only with you because of your face!!

TrophyWife: I know I know!! I promise, I forgot you were stoned for a sec

SugarDaddy: I saw your dp and it’s so fucking stunning and I was like 🤯🤯🤯 and then I was like 🫠🫠🫠 and my mind went all 😱😱😱 so I went all POOL EMOJI

TrophyWife: Colin. It was a joke, love, I’m sorry

TrophyWife: And I am not offended if you think I’m pretty, you know

TrophyWife: I love your personality more than the world but I can’t lie and say that jawline doesn’t make me feel unholy things also 😏

SugarDaddy: Will you lick it when I come home?

TrophyHome: End to end

SugarDaddy: 🫠🫠🫠🫠

SugarDaddy: Pen, what planet is Saturn on?

TrophyWife: That would be Saturn

SugarDaddy: I feel sad Penelope

SugarDaddy: I think the clouds hate me

TrophyWife: The clouds could never hate you

SugarDaddy: Yeah?

TrophyWife: I promise

TrophyWife: What makes you think they do?

SugarDaddy: I opened the window to look up at them and they look all black and gloomy

TrophyWife: It’s nighttime, Col. That’s why they look gloomy

SugarDaddy: That makes more sense because I’m always NICE to clouds?

TrophyWife: They love you, trust me 😘

TrophyWife: Wait, what window? Where are you sticking your head out, are you safe??

SugarDaddy: In my uber!

TrophyWife: Oh Col, are you actually on your way home?

SugarDaddy: You said you were in a TUB

SugarDaddy: I am just a boy

TrophyWife: Goofy bastard ♥️

SugarDaddy: Mrs. Goofy bastard ♥️♥️♥️

TrophyWife: If I sit in this tub until you get home, my fingers and toes will look like raisins

SugarDaddy: 😭

SugarDaddy: Okay you can come out but stay naked!!!

TrophyWife: Yes sir. Just the passionfruit body lotion and nothing else 😉

SugarDaddy: I have a boner now

SugarDaddy: You are a magic genie

SugarDaddy: A tiny show of skin and it pops out! Like a rogue whack-a-mole

TrophyWife: 😆😆😆

SugarDaddy: Pen I have to Congress something

TrophyWife: We're English babe, you should probably Parliament it instead

SugarDaddy: CONFESS***

SugarDaddy: Fuck me I have large fingers

TrophyWife: And no one enjoys them more than me✌️

TrophyWife: What did you need to confess?

SugarDaddy: I'm scared to

TrophyWife: I've got a solution for you

SugarDaddy: Two Truths and a lie it?????

TrophyWife: Two Truths and a lie it

SugarDaddy: JINX

SugarDaddy: I WINNNN

TrophyWife: Okay smuggy, I shall put on clothes

SugarDaddy: NOOOOOO I take it back I take the jinx back

TrophyWife: Do you?

SugarDaddy: YES and also if you put clothes on I will take them OFF

SugarDaddy: We shouldn't traumatize Marco like that

TrophyWife: Is that your Uber driver?

SugarDaddy: No, my evil identical twin mum sent to America at birth 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

TrophyWife: So if I go to America and hook up with him does it still count as cheating?

SugarDaddy: I hate that bastard and will now kill him

TrophyWife: Baby…

SugarDaddy: I know he doesn't exist Pen (that rhymes with Hen)

TrophyWife: Do not make a cock joke

SugarDaddy: No one lets me have anything ☹️

SugarDaddy: *sends goodbye cruel world gif*

TrophyWife: *one image sent*

SugarDaddy: Pen TITS 😍

SugarDaddy: I have a reason to feel joy again hello cruel world

TrophyWife: 😘😘😘

TrophyWife: Now what's your confession, silly man?

SugarDaddy: OH YES two truths and a lie!!!

SugarDaddy: okay so I am not obsessed with your tits, I want you to ride me like an untamed stallion, and and I fucking hated motherfucking Jason

TrophyWife: What, Jax?

TrophyWife: What did he ever do to you?

SugarDaddy: PEN

SugarDaddy: He thought JAX was a nickname for JASON

SugarDaddy: And he was stupid

SugarDaddy: With his stupid face and his stupid eyes and I want ice cream when I'm home

SugarDaddy: And he had crooked feet!!!

TrophyWife: When did you see his feet?

SugarDaddy: I could just TELL

SugarDaddy: Bet he was a drug dealer kingpin pyromaniac serial killer!

TrophyWife: That's an impressive resume

TrophyWife: I'm regretting dumping him now, what with that work ethic

SugarDaddy: How did he bag you HOW?

TrophyWife: I'm not lemons on sale, he didn't BAG me 🙄

SugarDaddy: Yes Yes sorry BUT come the fuck ON

SugarDaddy: I have seen cucumbers with more personality than him!

SugarDaddy: And he was always wearing sunglasses indoors!!

SugarDaddy: Did he think he was so bloody important that the sun would chase him indoors?

SugarDaddy: Bloody douchebag arsefaced fuckwaffle the sun is INDIFFERENT to you

TrophyWife: Colin

TrophyWife: Do you perhaps loathe Jax because he was my last boyfriend before we got together?

SugarDaddy: No… I have OBJECTIVE reasons to want him to fall into a vat of sulphuric acid, Pen

TrophyWife: As long as you're not being too violent about someone you've never met

SugarDaddy: ALSO, he used to call you PENNY

SugarDaddy: You are not a COIN, Pen

SugarDaddy: You don't look like a penny!

TrophyWife: Do I look like a writing utensil? 🤪

SugarDaddy: NO but… a pen is used to make magic with words in the world

SugarDaddy: A pen turns sad things into beauty and that's what YOU do

TrophyWife: I love you but you think a little too highly of my talents

SugarDaddy: But I do NOT (shh indoor voice Colin wtf)

SugarDaddy: I mean I DO think so high of you since I AM high

SugarDaddy: But you took ME. I was sad and you made me beautiful and that's…everything you know?

SugarDaddy: You're an artist like Ben (who is still gonna die)

TrophyWife: You make me better too♥️

TrophyWife: In a hundred different ways

SugarDaddy: Okay just…

SugarDaddy: I'll two truths and a lie this one too

SugarDaddy: I'm not madly in love with you, my first name is Colin, and I sometimes have nightmares you'll change your mind about us because I'm too much

SugarDaddy: Fuck I can't shut up, I'm sorry

TrophyWife: You ARE too much, very true

SugarDaddy: Sorry

TrophyWife: There is too much goodness in you

TrophyWife: Too much light, too much kindness, too much heart

TrophyWife: You make the world better because you love so big that everyone has to rise to the occasion

SugarDaddy: Penelope

TrophyWife: And I love how ‘too much’ you are

TrophyWife: Because I spent my whole life feeling like I'm not enough

TrophyWife: So I think your ‘too much’ and my ‘not enough’ were meant to be

SugarDaddy: We're just enough?

TrophyWife: We're just enough

SugarDaddy: You didn't make fun of me. Not even back then and not even now

TrophyWife: Nothing funny about how incredible the future Mr. Penelope Featherington is 😘

TrophyWife: And your heart is never the joke

TrophyWife: I have all the other organs to pick from 😉

SugarDaddy: Pen

TrophyWife: Col?

SugarDaddy: I would like to tell you what I would like to do to you when I get home in…

SugarDaddy: Marco said maybe another seven minutes?

SugarDaddy: Can I?

TrophyWife: Yes

SugarDaddy: I am going to kiss you from the top of your pretty hair to your little toes

TrophyWife: 🥹🥹🥹

SugarDaddy: And then I am going to turn you around on your tummy

TrophyWife: Where is this going 🤨

SugarDaddy: And kiss every single freckle on your back

SugarDaddy: Even the ticklish ones

TrophyWife: Oh okay 🫠🫠🫠

SugarDaddy: And then we are going to make love, NOT fucking

SugarDaddy: Wait to be clear we will also be fucking like crazy people afterwards

TrophyWife: Hell yeah 🙂‍↕️

SugarDaddy: But first it's gonna be ROMANCE

SugarDaddy: Also can you light some candles?

TrophyWife: The peach ones?

SugarDaddy: They make the world smell like pie 🥲

TrophyWife: You're such a babygirl 🫢

SugarDaddy: God forbid a man be madly in love with his future wife

SugarDaddy: And pie. You first, then pie

TrophyWife: Awww, I rank before pie, it's true love 😘

SugarDaddy: I am ALMOST HOME future wife

TrophyWife: I am putting on a pot of coffee

SugarDaddy: But I want to have your babies!!

TrophyWife: And you will, but let's sober you up first

SugarDaddy: At least ten 😍

TrophyWife: Yeah, let's start with ONE of your mammoth spawn and see how my uterus manages

SugarDaddy: They could be teeny tiny Frodo babies like YOU 🤣🤣🤣

TrophyWife: I hate you but I also want to climb you so I’m letting this slide

SugarDaddy: Ooh 3 minutes away also I think we should elope

SugarDaddy: My head feels like monkeys are banging cymbals and two of them are fighting over a banana

TrophyWife: I love you

SugarDaddy: I LOVE YOU

TrophyWife: Oh no, I'm reminding MYSELF 🥲

TrophyWife: Also, eloping?

SugarDaddy: It'll be less people-y if we elope

TrophyWife: But what about your siblings and Mum?

TrophyWife: You love them, remember?

SugarDaddy: Only Daphne is invited (and Auggie can come and be my ring bearer)

TrophyWife: Why do we hate the rest of them?

SugarDaddy: NO

SugarDaddy: But it's just…

SugarDaddy: Back when I first started flying like a dodo bird everywhere (why are they extinct that's so sad 😭)

SugarDaddy: Only Daph never made me feel like I was evil for leaving everyone

SugarDaddy: And you… you got it, you always got it

SugarDaddy: Even when I was stupid and forgot to tell you I love you

SugarDaddy: You never said don't fly, Colin

SugarDaddy: And that's why only you and Daph are invited to my wedding

TrophyWife: Thank you for inviting me

TrophyWife: And I would never have told you to stop flying

SugarDaddy: Because you didn't want me to come back home?

TrophyWife: Because I knew you'd return when you were ready

TrophyWife: You love us all too much to stay away forever

SugarDaddy: 🥹

SugarDaddy: Okay Mum can come too

SugarDaddy: I'm still deciding on the rest of them

TrophyWife: We'll just keep them on probation

TrophyWife: One foot out of line and they are out

SugarDaddy: Fuck I love it when you're all whip-cracky 🥵

TrophyWife: That's because you're a good, obedient boy 😏

SugarDaddy: Hey my boner is back! Awesome!

TrophyWife: When did it ever leave?

SugarDaddy: Not since you told me you loved me

TrophyWife: A year and a half ago?

TrophyWife: You should see a professional about that

SugarDaddy: YOU are the only doctor for my cock-tor

TrophyWife: And this is why I'm the writer in the family

SugarDaddy: ONE MINUTE AWAY

TrophyWife: Naked for your viewing pleasure

SugarDaddy: Oh fuck!! Oh shit, Penelope!!!

TrophyWife: What?!

SugarDaddy: I forgot my shoes at the club!

Chapter Text

iMessage chat between Colin Bridgerton and Penelope Featherington, 11:13 pm

*Penelope has changed Colin’s name to @Almost Hubby*

*Colin has changed Penelope’s name to @Wifey4Lifey*

Almost Hubby: I can't do this anymore

Wifey4Lifey: Colin

Almost Hubby: Don't, Pen

Wifey4Lifey: This was YOUR idea!

Almost Hubby: I hate myself

Almost Hubby: It's been long enough, I'm calling it all off and coming over

Wifey4Lifey: It hasn't even been an hour

Almost Hubby: And it's been the worst hour of my whole life

Wifey4Lifey: Worse than when you scraped your knee, came inside for a plaster, and then spilled lemonade on the open wound?

Almost Hubby: Yes! Worst idea anyone ever had in the United Kingdom, nay, the British EMPIRE

Wifey4Lifey: Teach you not to do your research

Almost Hubby: You are about to be my wife in FIVE days, talk me out of this in the future

Almost Hubby: What's the point of marrying the most brilliant woman on earth if she just goes along with my stupidity?!

Wifey4Lifey: Oh no, you are not putting this on me

Wifey4Lifey: You're the one that watched one episode of himym and decided Marshall and Lily sleeping apart the week before their wedding was sooo romantic

Almost Hubby: I didn't watch until the end of the episode!!

Wifey4Lifey: Yes

Almost Hubby: They fail because they love each other too much

Wifey4Lifey: Also yes

Almost Hubby: Which you KNEW because you've watched that episode one million times

Wifey4Lifey: Yes 🙂‍↕️

Almost Hubby: You might have told me they don't last so I'd have set realistic expectations

Wifey4Lifey: But then how would I see your sanity unravel in real time? 😇

Almost Hubby: Evil, evil woman

Wifey4Lifey: I mean… it will make our wedding night more special 🥺

Almost Hubby: Yes, my institutionalization in Broadmoor will definitely make the wedding night more special

Wifey4Lifey: Know the worst part?

Almost Hubby: EVERY part is the worst part

Wifey4Lifey: I'm lying here in teeny tiny silk sleep shorts and tank, and my big spoon isn't here 😭

Almost Hubby: I hate everything

Wifey4Lifey: But next time you see me will be in a white dress

Almost Hubby: 😍😍😍😍

Wifey4Lifey: I'm going to look like a teeny tiny creampuff in heels, just for you

Almost Hubby: I know you're joking but this is literally my dream come true 🥹

Wifey4Lifey: If you had told the Pen of two years ago that she'd be here one day 🥺

Almost Hubby: If you'd told Colin of two years ago that, he'd have invented time travel to fast forward to this moment

Wifey4Lifey: He was too busy writing corny poems about me in his diary

Wifey4Lifey: “Dear Diary: I LIKE like Pen and her boobies.”

Almost Hubby: I will not be shamed about the Pen boobie sonnets I wrote

Wifey4Lifey: “Dear Diary: Pen is as resplendent as the sun, I want to snack on her bun.”

Almost Hubby: I write you literal love letters and this is what you think my Pen poems sounded like? 😑

Wifey4Lifey: 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️

Almost Hubby: Like they were written by a chimpanzee having a stroke?

Wifey4Lifey: “Dear Diary: I want to ask for Pen's hand in marriage, and ravish her like a slut in the back of a carriage.”

Almost Hubby: We do regency cosplay ONE time

Wifey4Lifey: “Dear Diary: Colin and Pen-pen sitting in a tree, hopefully Pen is straddling me”

Almost Hubby: I mean, if you recall last night 😏

Almost Hubby: I was something of a psychic

Wifey4Lifey: Don't remind me of last night, I will get horny and you won't be here to de-horny me

Almost Hubby: Mmm…I think I WILL actually, since you're being a brat

Almost Hubby: It'll make this time apart bearable 😏

Wifey4Lifey: I'll stop mocking your sonnets!

Almost Hubby: Actions, meet consequences 😘

Wifey4Lifey: Two Truths and a Lie!

Wifey4Lifey: Let's play Two Truths and a Lie!

Almost Hubby: Excellent idea

Almost Hubby: Me first

Wifey4Lifey: Oh god

Almost Hubby: I am about to marry my best friend in five days, I don't want all of our ten babies to have your red hair, and I am going to strip you naked and make you call me husband for every single body part you want me to touch

Wifey4Lifey: Nope

Wifey4Lifey: I'm going to sleep goodnight

Almost Hubby: Stay right where you are Mrs. Bridgerton

Wifey4Lifey: Fuck

Wifey4Lifey: This is evil

Almost Hubby: Which one is the lie?

Wifey4Lifey: You KNOW

Almost Hubby: Which one, love?

Wifey4Lifey: You DO want all of our two babies to have my red hair

Almost Hubby: Yes, I do

Wifey4Lifey: Okay good game goodnight sleep well

Almost Hubby: Oh no

Almost Hubby: Stay right where you are, wife

Wifey4Lifey: Not your wife yet…

Almost Hubby: Then how about we practice for when you are

Wifey4Lifey: Colin…

Almost Hubby: Husband.

Wifey4Lifey: Sadist

Almost Hubby: Shh, I'm going to slide your top off your shoulders now

Wifey4Lifey: Okay

Almost Hubby: Okay…WHAT?

Wifey4Lifey: Unfair

Almost Hubby: My lips were about to make their way to that spot behind your ear that makes you squirm

Almost Hubby: Should they stop?

Wifey4Lifey: No…

Almost Hubby: Then ask politely

Wifey4Lifey: Don't stop, husband

Almost Hubby: Mhmm

Almost Hubby: That's my good girl

Wifey4Lifey: I hate you

Almost Hubby: How very impolite

Almost Hubby: Guess I'll stop running my tongue down your throat

Almost Hubby: Stop biting at your pulse point

Wifey4Lifey: Colin….

Almost Hubby: Stop counting the fifteen freckles on the slope of your breasts with my mouth

Wifey4Lifey: Nerd

Almost Hubby: I prefer aficionado

Wifey4Lifey: Of freckles?

Almost Hubby: Of your existence

Almost Hubby: Hmm, suspiciously long gap in replying

Almost Hubby: Bet you're doing that thing now

Wifey4Lifey: Am not

Almost Hubby: So you AREN'T biting your bottom lip like you always do when I compliment you unexpectedly? ♥️

Wifey4Lifey: You can't prove that I am

Almost Hubby: That's quite alright

Almost Hubby: I'll just pretend you are

Wifey4Lifey: Very into pretending tonight, aren't you?

Almost Hubby: You won't let me crawl back over to you with my pathetic lovesick heart in my hands

Almost Hubby: So I am left with no choice but to pretend to suck your bottom lip between my own

Almost Hubby: Free it from the prison of your teeth

Wifey4Lifey: So this is a law and order matter?

Almost Hubby: Mhmm

Almost Hubby: And while we're on the subject of fighting injustice

Almost Hubby: I believe your breasts have been unlawfully confined in that silky little top

Almost Hubby: So I will be taking that off entirely

Wifey4Lifey: For the sake of justice, yes…

Almost Hubby: Are your nipples all hard for me now? Perked up in that way they get when I bite down on them?

Wifey4Lifey: Fuck

Almost Hubby: Or do they need a little extra help? I'm happy to oblige by running my tongue over them

Wifey4Lifey: I think… they would appreciate the help… if you feel it's part of your civic duty, that is…

Almost Hubby: As a model citizen, I will be running my tongue over one while I pinch the other

Almost Hubby: Would that help?

Wifey4Lifey: Yes… a lot

Almost Hubby: And if I were to, say, tug your shorts down so the poor abandoned top has a friend?

Almost Hubby: Everyone deserves a friend

Wifey4Lifey: Such magnanimity

Almost Hubby: And could you kindly verify for the jury of your peers, if you are in fact without knickers?

Wifey4Lifey: How does this pertain to my alleged crimes?

Almost Hubby: Don't want to waste anyone's time with petty matters

Wifey4Lifey: Such as…

Almost Hubby: Such as scraping your knickers off with my teeth if you're already bare

Wifey4Lifey: And if I were…bare?

Almost Hubby: Then I would request you dip a couple of fingers between your legs

Almost Hubby: Gather any evidence of how aroused you are

Almost Hubby: And present your findings to the court

Wifey4Lifey: How descriptive would the court like me to be in my…findings?

Almost Hubby: Legal precedent demands you give us exhaustive details for the sake of accuracy

Wifey4Lifey: *one image sent*

Almost Hubby: Jesus fuck

Wifey4Lifey: Exhibit A for the jury to verify that I am indeed bare

Wifey4Lifey: So they can make a compelling case

Almost Hubby: Your commitment to your responsibilities as a citizen will be noted

Wifey4Lifey: As to the exhaustive details

Almost Hubby: Yes

Wifey4Lifey: The aforementioned fingers are currently between my legs

Almost Hubby: Yes

Wifey4Lifey: And it seems… they are entirely soaked

Almost Hubby: As I predicted

Almost Hubby: Now that we have sufficient evidence that you are drenched for me

Wifey4Lifey: Criminally so

Almost Hubby: Crown will decide on your sentencing

Wifey4Lifey: I am lying here like a good girl waiting to be told what my punishment is

Almost Hubby: I think… to ensure you aren't tempted into being a torturous little brat in the future

Almost Hubby: We should make sure you get all that naughtiness out of your system

Wifey4Lifey: And please tell me how we should do that? I'd like to be absolved of this life of crime

Almost Hubby: By following my instructions by the letter of the law

Wifey4Lifey: As you command

Almost Hubby: Husband. Call me husband at every possible juncture, is that understood?

Wifey4Lifey: Loud and clear

Wifey4Lifey: One clarification before we start?

Almost Hubby: I'll allow it

Wifey4Lifey: Defense would like to request prosecution also remove their clothing

Wifey4Lifey: To ensure a fair and… speedy trial

Almost Hubby: Granted

Almost Hubby: *one image sent*

Almost Hubby: Exhibit A for the court

Wifey4Lifey: Naked AND wearing glasses

Wifey4Lifey: Accepted into evidence

Almost Hubby: Good

Almost Hubby: Now set the phone on the pillow next to you and reply to my texts using voice commands

Almost Hubby: Both of your hands will need to be free for your punishment

Wifey4Lifey: Will my nakedness be considered fair compensation for my lack of punctuation?

Almost Hubby: It will be viewed as a sacrifice for the greater good, yes

Wifey4Lifey: My fingers are dutifully between my legs awaiting your instructions

Almost Hubby: How many fingers?

Wifey4Lifey: Two

Almost Hubby: And what is your other hand doing?

Wifey4Lifey: Its grazing my nipples

Almost Hubby: To begin your punishment, you'll pinch the nipple you're playing with lightly

Wifey4Lifey: Yes

Almost Hubby: While your fingers stroke back and forth across your messy, dripping cunt

Wifey4Lifey: Yes husband

Almost Hubby: Do you feel yourself getting wetter?

Wifey4Lifey: So much wetter

Almost Hubby: You’ll take those two fingers and smear your slick all over your breasts

Wifey4Lifey: Yes husband

Almost Hubby: You'll imagine me on top of you, licking it off you bit by bit

Wifey4Lifey: God yes

Almost Hubby: Your free hand needs to go down and find your swollen little clit

Wifey4Lifey: Yes

Almost Hubby: That's twice you've neglected to call me husband

Almost Hubby: Should I cease my texts as punishment?

Wifey4Lifey: I'm sorry husband

Almost Hubby: Don't let it happen again

Wifey4Lifey: No husband

Almost Hubby: You're going to lie back now

Wifey4Lifey: Yes husband

Almost Hubby: Keep playing with your tits

Wifey4Lifey: Yes husband

Almost Hubby: Your other hand is to keep rubbing your clit while I eat you

Wifey4Lifey: Fuck

Almost Hubby: In good time

Wifey4Lifey: I'm getting very close

Almost Hubby: No

Almost Hubby: You won't come until I allow it

Wifey4Lifey: I need it

Wifey4Lifey: Please husband

Almost Hubby: What you need is to stay still and spread those legs for me wide as possible

Wifey4Lifey: Yes

Almost Hubby: You're going to hold that position for me while I fuck you with my tongue

Wifey4Lifey: Yes

Almost Hubby: Missing a word?

Wifey4Lifey: Yes husband

Almost Hubby: I do believe it'll be more comfortable if your legs are over my shoulder

Wifey4Lifey: Comfort is important

Almost Hubby: Keep one hand at your clit while I drink you up

Almost Hubby: Press on it slow and hard the way you like it

Wifey4Lifey: Mhmm

Almost Hubby: Fuck you taste incredible

Wifey4Lifey: Don't you think you should collect some evidence with your own fingers?

Wifey4Lifey: Surely someone with a criminal record can't be implicitly trusted

Almost Hubby: Compelling argument

Almost Hubby: Remove your hands from between your legs and play with your gorgeous tits

Almost Hubby: My mouth will be taking over the interrogation now

Wifey4Lifey: Please

Almost Hubby: I will suck at your clit in the way that makes your legs shake

Wifey4Lifey: Yes husband

Almost Hubby: My tongue will also participate in evidence collection

Almost Hubby: Flick at you back and forth

Wifey4Lifey: Yes

Almost Hubby: How many fingers will you take today? Shall we start with one?

Wifey4Lifey: As many as you like husband

Almost Hubby: I think I'll stretch you out with two, then

Almost Hubby: Your tight little channel seems to like that

Almost Hubby: I can just feel it quivering around me

Almost Hubby: Clenching my fingers like a vice

Wifey4Lifey: Yes

Almost Hubby: Will you quench them? They're so thirsty for you

Wifey4Lifey: If it pleases my husband

Almost Hubby: It pleases him to drive you insane like you do to him

Wifey4Lifey: But I'm lying here like an obedient little wife for him

Wifey4Lifey: Legs spread and my greedy cunt all his to torture as he likes

Almost Hubby: And your compliance will be duly rewarded

Almost Hubby: I'll need you to neglect your tits for now and grab onto my head with both hands

Wifey4Lifey: As you demand

Almost Hubby: I'm going to be adding a third finger in now and we know that makes you thrash

Wifey4Lifey: Yes

Almost Hubby: Especially when I curl them to hit that spot that always makes you scream

Wifey4Lifey: Yes

Almost Hubby: Setting a pace so hard and fast, you beg me to let you finish

Wifey4Lifey: Yes Yes

Almost Hubby: Call me husband once more and I'll do that tugging motion on that poor swollen clit of yours

Wifey4Lifey: Yes husband yes

Almost Hubby: Mhmm, feel me sweet wife

Almost Hubby: Feel me everywhere

Almost Hubby: Fucking you with my tongue and my fingers, until the only thing you can feel is me

Wifey4Lifey: Yes

Almost Hubby: No rest for you until I've swallowed all of you up

Almost Hubby: Until that gorgeous body is trembling for me to let you break

Wifey4Lifey: Yes

Almost Hubby: Until you pour for me

Wifey4Lifey: Yes

Almost Hubby: Beg me

Wifey4Lifey: Fuck

Almost Hubby: Beg me to let you come

Wifey4Lifey: Please please

Almost Hubby: Please what?

Wifey4Lifey: Please let me come

Almost Hubby: How bad do you want it?

Wifey4Lifey: I want to come for you so bad

Almost Hubby: Do you want to be good for me?

Wifey4Lifey: I want to be so good for you

Wifey4Lifey: Please husband

Almost Hubby: I'll take it under advisement

Almost Hubby: Right now, my tongue is back at that pretty little hole to gulp you up

Wifey4Lifey: Yes fuck yes

Almost Hubby: Just the lightest pinch at your clit now, I know that's all you need

Wifey4Lifey: God

Wifey4Lifey: Let me come

Almost Hubby: I’m going to take every drop you give me

Almost Hubby: So no holding back, I need you to fucking drown me

Almost Hubby: Can you do that for me?

Wifey4Lifey: I will

Wifey4Life: Please

Almost Hubby: Break for me

Almost Hubby: And be loud, I want my wife to scream

Almost Hubby: I want the whole world to hear how much her husband worships her

Wifey4Lifey: Fuck

Almost Hubby: Mmmmm

Almost Hubby: Best meal I've ever had in a hotel

Almost Hubby: Is my good little wife still breathing?

Wifey4Lifey: Holy shit

Almost Hubby: You're welcome 😏

Wifey4Lifey: Oh don't get cocky

Almost Hubby: Occupational hazard, wife

Wifey4Lifey: Did all of that work for YOU as well?

Almost Hubby: Oh no, I just stripped naked for the aesthetics

Wifey4Lifey: 😑

Almost Hubby: I'll have to leave room service an extra large trip to compensate for my…enthusiasm

Wifey4Lifey: Interesting name to refer to you blowing a load like a defunct electric panel, but I'll allow it

Almost Hubby: 😎😎😎

Wifey4Lifey: I knew you were a slut for being called husband

Wifey4Lifey: But dear god

Almost Hubby: What? So I love when my wife who will be my wife when I become her husband because I'll have a WIFE calls me HUSBAND

Wifey4Lifey: Why are you like this?

Almost Hubby: Endlessly endearing? Charming af? Sex-on-a-stick? 😏

Wifey4Lifey: It's your humility I love the most 😍

Almost Hubby: Fun fact: it's your EVERYTHING I love the most

Wifey4Lifey: I hate when you do that

Almost Hubby: What? 😇

Wifey4Lifey: When I try to scold you and you become Mr. Darcy

Almost Hubby: Gotta keep you on your toes so you don't get bored of me 🤪

Wifey4Lifey: Mhmm…you're doing that thing now, aren't you?

Almost Hubby: Am not

Wifey4Lifey: So you're NOT trying to act cutesy to avoid the real thing you accidentally confessed

Almost Hubby: *gasping cat gif*

Almost Hubby: I would NEVER

Wifey4Lifey: That's why you were having anxiety about sleeping apart for a few days?

Wifey4Lifey: And this feralness to excite me and do impromptu roleplay?

Wifey4Lifey: You think if we get married I'm gonna become bored of you?

Almost Hubby: I don't think that you'll get bored of ME

Wifey4Lifey: What ARE you thinking?

Almost Hubby: I'm thinking that maybe the parts about marriage I'm most looking forward to…

Wifey4Lifey: Yes?

Almost Hubby: Might seem boring to you

Wifey4Lifey: Such as?

Almost Hubby: Like you yelling at me because I forgot the milk

Almost Hubby: Or cancelling plans with our mates to just watch a movie instead

Almost Hubby: Or getting lost on our way to Aubrey Hall and taking a detour on an apple farm with our seven kids

Almost Hubby: Or doing laundry together while you judge my folding technique

Wifey4Lifey: Maybe if you didn't fold like you hate straight lines…

Almost Hubby: ♥️

Almost Hubby: Like that. I'm looking forward to all the stupid boring routine things

Almost Hubby: Because it's YOU

Almost Hubby: But maybe also because I was travelling and rootless for so many years

Almost Hubby: But you've always had roots

Almost Hubby: I just want you to feel excited about our life, even on the boring days

Wifey4Lifey: One, it’s never a sign of boredom if we take a detour with our three kids to an apple farm

Almost Hubby: Four kids? 🥹👉👈

Wifey4Lifey: How about this

Wifey4Lifey: I’M going to have three kids

Wifey4Lifey: But you can have a fourth

Wifey4Lifey: It may not share my genetic makeup though

Almost Hubby: I can’t believe you would even suggest I’d have Daisy, Poppy and Rose’s fourth sibling with someone other than their mother

Wifey4Lifey: If my vagina survives giving birth to Sammy, Teddy and Asher, we can consider a fourth

Almost Hubby: Really? 😍

Wifey4Lifey: No 😘

Almost Hubby: Mean 💔

Wifey4Lifey: And secondly, the things you do for me or to me aren't where the excitement comes from

Wifey4Lifey: Wait, amendment: a LOT of excitement comes from what you do TO me 😏

Almost Hubby: Emphasis on come

Wifey4Lifey: Put it back in your pants, Fabio

Almost Hubby: 🍆💦🫦👅

Wifey4Lifey: 🛑✋👎✖️

Almost Hubby: 🔪♥️😩

Wifey4Lifey: But it's YOU that makes things exciting, not the other way around

Wifey4Lifey: So I am looking forward to all the boring things also

Almost Hubby: I love you very much, wife

Wifey4Lifey: I love YOU very much plus one, husband

Almost Hubby: So about our five kids…

Wifey4Lifey: Tell you what

Wifey4Lifey: If you are still holding that pathetic lovesick heart in your hands

Almost Hubby: 👀

Wifey4Lifey: And if you agree that we gave your stupid ass idea an honest shot

Almost Hubby: Gave it an hour, we deserve medals

Wifey4Lifey: Then why don't you come back and maybe we can roleplay making Daisy at least 🙂‍↕️

Almost Hubby: OMG

Almost Hubby: 🏃‍♂️🏃‍♂️🏃‍♂️🏃‍♂️🏃‍♂️🏃‍♂️

Wifey4Lifey: Such a breeding kink slut

Almost Hubby: Shut up, doing my part for the propagation of the species, not all heroes etc.

Wifey4Lifey: Hurry up husband, or I'll get started without you

Almost Hubby: You're about to get me so pregnant!!!

Wifey4Lifey: That's my little seahorse 😍

Almost Hubby: OMW, see you in ten seconds!

Wifey4Lifey: I wonder what everyone would think if they knew we were in the same hotel, just one floor apart

Chapter Text

iMessage chat between Colin Bridgerton and Penelope Featherington, 8:05 pm

Penelope has changed Colin’s name to @SluttyEyes

Colin has changed Penelope’s name to @Tits4Days

Tits4Days: This is the story of the worst third date ever!!

SluttyEyes: Girls night going well there wifey?

SluttyEyes: How drunk are you? 😂♥️

Tits4Days: I am not DRUNK, I am alcoholically exuberant Colin!

SluttyEyes: 😂😂

SluttyEyes: Drunk Pen is my favorite

Tits4Days: ALL me’s are your favorite

SluttyEyes: Very true 😘

SluttyEyes: Now tell me about the worst third date ever

Tits4Days: His name was Timothy Daniel BUT I changed it

Tits4Days: To TimTam Dick Dan!

SluttyEyes: Well that's just positively Shakespearean 🤌

Tits4Days: COLIN he had the smallest penis in the British Empire. NO. All seven continents. NO. The PLANET

SluttyEyes: 😂😂😂😂 That charming huh

Tits4Days: He needed Google Maps to find my clitoris!

Tits4Days: My orgasms staged a coup and decided to quit their jobs because of Tim Tam Dick Dan

SluttyEyes: Criminal!

Tits4Days: He was so boring that I wrote my Master's thesis while he was still inside me!

SluttyEyes: Jesus Christ

Tits4Days: So what I need

Tits4Days: Wait, will you make me your baked Mac and Cheese for when I come home? 😭

SluttyEyes: *one image sent*

SluttyEyes: Two steps ahead of you my love

Tits4Days: 😭😭😭

Tits4Days: You're such a good provider husband sex god

SluttyEyes: 😘😘😘

Tits4Days: You're like a burger combo but you aren't dangerous to my arteries, just my knickers!

SluttyEyes: My proudest achievement 🥲

SluttyEyes: Now what did you need?

Tits4Days: OH YES

Tits4Days: So what I NEED is my husband 😭

Tits4Days: I miss you and it's been years since I saw you

SluttyEyes: You mean two hours? 😝

Tits4Days: That's what I said? Literal YEARS

SluttyEyes: Do you want me to come get you?

Tits4Days: No it's a girls night. That's bad manners ☹️

Tits4Days: Why am I a girl?

Tits4Days: I just wanna be your wife

SluttyEyes: You are my wife for life

Tits4Days: And the AFTERLIFE

SluttyEyes: Hell yes

Tits4Days: Because I will haunt your arse even as a…

Tits4Days: They're not zombies

Tits4Days: Are they mummies?

SluttyEyes: Do you perchance mean a GHOST?

Tits4Days: YES 👻👻👻

Tits4Days: And not just your metaphorical arse

Tits4Days: I plan to haunt your literal actual bum 🍑

SluttyEyes: I would be disappointed if you didn't

Tits4Days: I wanna bite it

SluttyEyes: I do enjoy that 😏

Tits4Days: I want to nibble it all over and leave marks on it

SluttyEyes: The ones from this morning haven't cleared yet

Tits4Days: Will you get a tattoo for me?

SluttyEyes: Of course, please let me know what and where

Tits4Days: “Property of Penelope Bridgerton” on that firm arse of yours

SluttyEyes: Booking the appointment right now

Tits4Days: I love my new name 😍😍😍

SluttyEyes: Me too 😍

Tits4Days: You love me

SluttyEyes: Just a wee bit 😘

SluttyEyes: Are you hydrating?

Tits4Days: Colin, the SCIENCE

SluttyEyes: No, we've discussed this

Tits4Days: It makes scents!! SENSE********

SluttyEyes: I love you but no it doesn't

Tits4Days: No but think about it!!!

Tits4Days: Vodka is from potatoes and potatoes come from the earth and the earth contains water IPSO FACTO PRESTO vodka is HYDRATION

SluttyEyes: No, love

Tits4Days: Is vodka CLEAR? And WET?

SluttyEyes: So are my eye drops, you can't hydrate with those either

Tits4Days: Then riddle me THIS husband with the pretty arse

Tits4Days: If not water, why water shaped?

SluttyEyes: That's not how anything works but A+ for effort

Tits4Days: I thought you loved me?

SluttyEyes: More than my whole life

SluttyEyes: But Vodka isn't water, baby

Tits4Days: But it could be if I stretch my brain really hard‼️

SluttyEyes: Be a good girl and get a glass of water from the bartender

Tits4Days: You bastard of the rat bastards

SluttyEyes: Whatever do you mean? 😇😇😇

Tits4Days: Calling me good girl like a slutty whore

Tits4Days: You know what that does to me

SluttyEyes: Do I? 😏

Tits4Days: Water good girl hydration husband sex

SluttyEyes: In that exact order

SluttyEyes: Has the hydration been procured?

Tits4Days: *one image sent*

SluttyEyes: Penelope, and this is in no way a complaint, but that is a pic of your tits

Tits4Days: Yes 🙂‍↕️

SluttyEyes: That is not water

Tits4Days: You're not water

SluttyEyes: Very true, I am Colin

Tits4Days: And your name rhymes with FALLIN’

Tits4Days: Because I am FALLIN in love with YOU

SluttyEyes: Oh ongoing process is it? 😝 thought you married me because it was already a done deal

Tits4Days: I married you because of your beautiful heart and mind and BIG GIGANTIC COCK

SluttyEyes: I want to be offended that my cock is the main highlight there

SluttyEyes: But I'm just proud

Tits4Days: I will write you sonnets for that Cock because I am an AUTHOR

SluttyEyes: Please ✊🏻

Tits4Days: That Cock, oh cock, you make my world rock

Tits4Days: I married you to keep that dong on lock

SluttyEyes: 😂😂😂 god I fucking love you

Tits4Days: When it shreds my insides like cheese that's been grated

SluttyEyes: That took a turn 🫠

Tits4Days: The orgasms that I gush leave me positively ELATED

SluttyEyes: Me and my dong are always here to assist you in your gushing orgasm adventures 🍆💦

Tits4Days: Colin!

Tits4Days: Colin Titstopher Bridgerton!

SluttyEyes: I don't know if you meant to type that but I'm legally switching my middle name to it

Tits4Days: What did I write?

Tits4Days: Oh 🤣🤣🤣

SluttyEyes: Little Freudian Slip?

Tits4Days: Freudian Nip Slip! 🫢🫢🫢

SluttyEyes: *sends ba dum tss gif*

SluttyEyes: Penelope, why aren't you chatting with your girls on girls night?

Tits4Days: Because the bitches KIDNAPPED me from my husband who I am wife to

SluttyEyes: Wrong time to point out you organized the girls night….? 😬

Tits4Days: And THEN

Tits4Days: They made FUN of me 🐝cause

Tits4Days: Do you like the pretty bee I used?

SluttyEyes: Your bees are always the prettiest 😘

Tits4Days: 😍

Tits4Days: Yeah they made flun, no FUN of me because I accidentally called the bartender Colin

SluttyEyes: Oh dear, did they look like me?

Tits4Days: YES

Tits4Days: Had your EXACT facial face

Tits4Days: I even took a pitcher lemme show you!

Tits4Days: Picture?*

SluttyEyes: I think you've also taken some pitchers tbf

Tits4Days: *one image sent*

SluttyEyes: Penelope

SluttyEyes: Love of my life

SluttyEyes: Most brilliant woman I ever knew

Tits4Days: TOLD YOU

SluttyEyes: That's a female bartender love

Tits4Days: NO but… zoom in!!!

Tits4Days: She has your exact share of blue eyes 🥹

Tits4Days: The color of a blueberry that's overripe so you can't eat it fresh but maybe make a cobbler?

SluttyEyes: That's very sweet of you ♥️

SluttyEyes: Maybe also slightly crazy of you

Tits4Days: DID you redact that text calling me crazy?!

SluttyEyes: *sends clutching my pearls gif*

SluttyEyes: I would NEVER

Tits4Days: THE NORTH REMEMBERS COLIN

SluttyEyes: Consider me warned 🫡

Tits4Days: Colin

Tits4Days: Are we married?

SluttyEyes: Yes, my love

Tits4Days: To each other?

SluttyEyes: Well I hope so otherwise all that sex we're having would be very inappropriate

Tits4Days: I would like to have all the sex RIGHT NOW

SluttyEyes: Alright well, you're in a public place so don't know about you, but shall I stick my hands down my pants and get a head start?

Tits4Days: NO save your loving for ME and I will give you a head start iykwim 🫢🫢🫢🫢

SluttyEyes: Sexting me surrounded by your mates, aren't you tempting fate Mrs. Bridgerton?

Tits4Days: Call me that again 🥹

SluttyEyes: What? Mrs. Bridgerton? ♥️Wife to Colin Bridgerton, Mrs. Bridgerton?

Tits4Days: I miss you 🥺

SluttyEyes: I miss YOU

Tits4Days: Do you think

Tits4Days: If they stacked five of me one on top of the other

SluttyEyes: My teenage wet dreams are my business

Tits4Days: Then I would be tall enough for you?

SluttyEyes: You don't need to be taller

SluttyEyes: You're my perfect pocked sized Penelope

Tits4Days: I'm a Chihuahua

SluttyEyes: You're a cupcake

Tits4Days: I'm Frodo

SluttyEyes: You're bite-sized

Tits4DDays: You married me

SluttyEyes: I would marry you again

Tits4Days: Can we go to…

Tits4Days: The place the drunk people and the lights and all the money?

SluttyEyes: Vegas?

Tits4Days: Vegas!!!!!!

Tits4Days: And get married!

Tits4Days: But this time you change YOUR name to Colin Featherington!!! 🤭🤭🤭🤭

SluttyEyes: I offered to do that 🫡

SluttyEyes: You said you wanted to take mine

Tits4Days: It's because

Tits4Days: You're MY dream come true

SluttyEyes: But you're MY dream come true

Tits4Days: Intellectual property theft!!!

SluttyEyes: 😱😱😱

Tits4Days: You steal my heart and my name and my IDEAS

SluttyEyes: You can punish me when you get home 😏

Tits4Days: You stay naked for me Mr. Featherington

SluttyEyes: Wouldn't dare insult the sanctity of our marriage bed by wearing clothes

Tits4Days: I want to violate the sanctity of your naked chest

Tits4Days: And lick your abs

SluttyEyes: This is the way and I support you

Tits4Days: El ordered shots!! 💃🏻💃🏻💃🏻

SluttyEyes: Adding more alcohol to this situation is the logical idea, as you were

Tits4Days: COL

Tits4Days: None of the emojis have red hair

Tits4Days: Why do they hate me? 😠🔪

SluttyEyes: They don't hate you love

Tits4Days: The only emoji with red hair is 🤡

Tits4Days: I'm BOZO

Tits4Days: They hate my big stupid clown hair

SluttyEyes: No they don't I promise ♥️

SluttyEyes: It's just because that shade of red is impossible to recreate

SluttyEyes: It's so beautiful 😍 They're afraid they can't do it justice

Tits4Days: If I'm a clown and you love me, you're a ringmaster

Tits4Days: I always knew we were a circus ☹️

SluttyEyes: Look at the other things that are red though!

SluttyEyes: 🌄 The edges of that sunset are red!

SluttyEyes: 🫀 The literal organ of love is red!

Tits4Days: 🍆 That's the literal organ of love

SluttyEyes: 🌹🌹🌹 Roses are red!

Tits4Days: Violets are your mum

SluttyEyes: 😂

SluttyEyes: 🍁🍁🍁 Autumn leaves are red!

SluttyEyes: 🌈 The first color of a rainbow is red!

Tits4Days: Which clown do I look like the most?

Tits4Days: Pennywise or the Joker? 😟

SluttyEyes: None of them

SluttyEyes: You are my beautiful sunset-haired resplendent Mrs. Bridgerton

SluttyEyes: And when you come home, I will show you in excruciating detail how much I love your hair

Tits4Days: Will you help me shower

SluttyEyes: Yes

Tits4Days: Will you put curl cream in it?

SluttyEyes: Always

Tits4Days: Will you braid it and make me pretty like a braided clown?

SluttyEyes: I will braid it but you are already the prettiest ever, no clowns involved

Tits4Days: If I'm there, clowns are automatically involved 😥

SluttyEyes: Okay, no more shots for you wife

Tits4Days: A rolling stone gathers no moss Col

Tits4Days: If I keep drinking, I will keep moving which is like rolling and I will not be mossy

Tits4Days: I will be a clown but I won't be a MOSSY clown

SluttyEyes: I'm texting El to not let you drink anymore

SluttyEyes: Also, have you finished your water?

Tits4Days: YES!

SluttyEyes: 🧐

Tits4Days: I have!!!

Tits4Days: If you don't trust me how will our clown marriage ever WORK?

SluttyEyes: Would changing my name to Mr. Bozo help?

Tits4Days: Yes 😢

SluttyEyes: Making it official tomorrow

Tits4Days: When did you fall in love with me husband?

SluttyEyes: Emotionally or would you like exact metrics?

Tits4Days: Emotional Metrics!!! 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️

SluttyEyes: Greedy Girl

Tits4Days: 🎶 Give me everything tonight 🎶 💃🏻💃🏻💃🏻💃🏻

Tits4Days: Ooh we should make sweet love to that song

SluttyEyes: The beats are pretty ripe for some hardcore foreplay 🫡

SluttyEyes: As for when I fell in love with you

Tits4Days: Yes when did you fall in love with Penelope BozoWise 🙂‍↔️🙂‍↔️🙂‍↔️

SluttyEyes: Probably the day I met her

Tits4Days: stfu no you DID NOT

SluttyEyes: Did too!

Tits4Days: You were Mister fancy face with your generational wealth and your oooh everyone likes me because I'm pretty

Tits4Days: And oooh I'm so important because I can reach the top shelf without a stepladder!!!

SluttyEyes: But you're bite-sized 😘

Tits4Days: Like a Jaffa cake

Tits4Days: But I was hiding in the liebrary with the BOOKS and the DUST

Tits4Days: Especially until year 3!! And you IGNORED ME

SluttyEyes: Love of my life, I promise I'm not saying this to contradict you

Tits4Days: IGNORED by my future husband

Tits4Days: Forsaken 🔪💔

SluttyEyes: I love you, but we didn't meet until you were in year 4 and I love you 😬

Tits4Days: I don't understand

SluttyEyes: Okay… see you can't hate me for not loving you before I knew of your existence?

Tits4Days: Why are you using logic on me 😭

Tits4Days: Now I'm a sad tiny clown who can't ride the rollercoaster

SluttyEyes: There are lots of better things for you to ride 😏

Tits4Days: Yes I would like to climb you like a really large tree after consuming macaroni

SluttyEyes: It’s the only way to get rid of a hangover according to WebMD

Tits4Days: Will you play TTAAL with me Colin?

SluttyEyes: Shouldn’t you return to girl’s night?

Tits4Days: I have chosen to IGNORE my kidnappers and am a chameleon

Tits4Days: Play with me!

SluttyEyes: As my wife wishes

Tits4Days: You’re so slutty 🫦

SluttyEyes: 😉

SluttyEyes: Okay. I love going to Bridgerton brunch every saturday, I am not married to the cutest little sunset-haired woman on the whole planet and I am still angry at the final season of Game of Thrones for being stupid

Tits4Days: My hair is a sunset?

SluttyEyes: The sunniest of sets 😘

Tits4Days: OKAY

Tits4Days: I love peanut butter cookies and my name is not Penelope and Ronald McDonald was my great grandad

SluttyEyes: You can’t tell two lies Pen

Tits4Days: 😠

Tits4Days: Then why do I look just like him? Why is my face clown shaped?

SluttyEyes: Your face is perfectly shaped for me to kiss all over is how it’s shaped

Tits4Days: You are the worst sun… SON in law EVER

SluttyEyes: Oh dear, and why is that?

Tits4Days: Mum tried so hard to murder my confidence and now you’re being a big kissy validating tall nice-arsed sweetest husband EVER

Tits4Days: Ruin all her efforts

SluttyEyes: I will become a serial killer to murder any effort anyone made to make my perfect wife feel less than incredible

Tits4Days: Okay I guess I’ll marry you 😞

SluttyEyes: I’m texting the clan the good news

Tits4Days: Omg COLIN 🥺🥺

SluttyEyes: Yes?

Tits4Days: I'VE TOLD YOU THE STORY OF TIM TAM DICK DAN ONE HUNDRED TIMES BEFORE

SluttyEyes: So? 😘

Tits4Days: And AND YOU'VE TOLD ME THE STORY OF HOW WE FELL IN LOVE ELEVENTY MILLION TIMES !!!!

SluttyEyes: Yes, and? 😘

Tits4Days: So why don't… my head is spinny

SluttyEyes: I went to Tesco and picked up the strawberry lemonade to make it less spinny

Tits4Days: 🤩

Tits4Days: But also why don't you say you have already told me all this before Pennywise Bridgerton?!

Tits4Days: When I'm being a yakky and repeating myself like broken cuckoo clock 😥

SluttyEyes: I like hearing your old stories

Tits4Days: Every single time?

SluttyEyes: Every. Single. Time.

Tits4Days: I can tell you new ones though I can!

Tits4Days: When the roof stops winking at me and the floor isn't trying to murder me

Tits4Days: So then you have NEW stories and OLD stories and you can pick a favorite!!!

SluttyEyes: Can't. All your stories are my favorite

Tits4Days: You're the worst

SluttyEyes: You married me anyways 😌

Tits4Days: So my babies can see over the counter without assistance one day 😟

SluttyEyes: If they're bite-sized like you, I'll put all of you on my shoulder 😎

Tits4Days: You’ll be the best daddy to some lucky bitch’s children one day 😭😭😭

Tits4Days: I should have told you I LOVE YOU when I had the chance ☹️

SluttyEyes: Penelope, remember we're married and you're Mrs. Bridgerton?

Tits4Days: I remembered!! Just wanted you to say it all over!!

SluttyEyes: Did you really remember or are you covering for your drunken amnesia? 😉

Tits4Days: No but also not no so yes?

Tits4Days: My brain is doing swirlies 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫

Tits4Days: Also I came out for fresh air and now I'm freezing cold like a penguin

Tits4Days: A sad upside down penguin 🐧

SluttyEyes: I'll draw you a nice bubble bath when you're home to make you warm

SluttyEyes: Also why are you upside down?

Tits4Days: Why is it automatically MY fault that I'm upside down huh?

Tits4Days: Maybe the word… world? Maybe the world decided to do a headstand?????

SluttyEyes: Send me a picture

Tits4Days: *one image sent*

SluttyEyes: Penelope Bridgerton!

Tits4Days: WHAT

SluttyEyes: How long have you been sitting outside our flat?!

Tits4Days: Ohhhhh Is that where I am???

Chapter Text

iMessage chat between Colin Bridgerton and Penelope Featherington, 7:25 am

Colin has changed Penelope’s name to @BabyMama

Penelope has changed Colin’s name to @VirileSwimmers

VirileSwimmers: Good morning loves of my life ♥️

BabyMama: Good morning you child and wife abandoner 😘

VirileSwimmers: Are you going to start every single text this whole week like that? 😑

BabyMama: Yes 🙂‍↕️

VirileSwimmers: Must you be so dramatic and make me feel guiltier? 😩

BabyMama: Do you recall when I went away on a girl's weekend with El a year after our marriage?

VirileSwimmers: *monkey side eye gif*

VirileSwimmers: I know not of what you speak…

BabyMama: You kept pinning pictures of broken hearts and storm clouds on your Pinterest board

VirileSwimmers: Doesn't sound like me at all 😬

BabyMama: I had twelve common friends text me asking if we were getting divorced!

VirileSwimmers: If any of those brain-dead fuckers knew us but at all, they would know that will never happen because I would sooner die?

BabyMama: Maybe we don't talk about your death even as a joke when your daughter is currently playing gymnastics inside my uterus? 😑🔪

VirileSwimmers: Is she moving? 🥹🥹🥹

BabyMama: I think she's trying to see if she can just kick her way out of me, actually

VirileSwimmers: God I wanna feel her so bad 😭 Tell her I love and miss her

VirileSwimmers: Wait no, I'll do it myself

VirileSwimmers: *voicenote 1:25 mins sent*

BabyMama: Just played it to her, she started trying to murder my bladder in excitement

VirileSwimmers: She misses Daddy also 🥹

VirileSwimmers: Kick up a storm babygirl, Bridgertons stop for no one 😎

BabyMama: Oh boy, this is a fun preview I'm getting of what a disciplinarian you're gonna be 😑

VirileSwimmers: Any child of ours is perfect and can do no wrong 😡

BabyMama: Sigh. It's my fault she's going bonkers this time tbf

BabyMama: I ate half a sleeve of the cherry Jaffa cakes

BabyMama: She's having a sugar rush

VirileSwimmers: That's my girl 😭

VirileSwimmers: Remind me how Anthony convinced me to leave my babies alone for even a minute 😡

BabyMama: You have only yourself to blame

VirileSwimmers: *sad cat gif*

BabyMama: You had to go and get a work ethic and be promoted

BabyMama: And now they are making you jetset while I waddle like a penguin

VirileSwimmers: Just for one week a year 🥹👉👈

BabyMama: You explain that to Rosemary when she's in therapy for abandonment issues 😒

VirileSwimmers: I've learned my lesson and will never work hard again 😔

VirileSwimmers: Wait, so you're convinced aboutfor Rosemary?! 😍😍

BabyMama: ….. 94.25%

VirileSwimmers: What do I have to do to get you to 102%?

BabyMama: Let me pick the middle name since you're getting the first and the last name

VirileSwimmers: And if I don't like it? (Not saying that would ever happen but just in case)

BabyMama: Then YOU can push a watermelon out of a pinhole and earn the right to an opinion 🙂

VirileSwimmers: I love you? 🥲

BabyMama: I know, it's why I agreed to bear your mammoth progeny

BabyMama: Love you too ♥️

VirileSwimmers: ♥️♥️♥️

BabyMama: Okay I was debating between TWO middle names

BabyMama: You're allowed to make a case for your favourite but I get final approval, capiche?

VirileSwimmers: Yes ma'am 🫡

BabyMama: Okay, first one I like is Eleanor

BabyMama: It means light, and she's the brightest thing in our universe so that feels right, you know?

VirileSwimmers: 😭😭😭😭

BabyMama: The second one is a bit more unique, but Edmée

VirileSwimmers: That's also beautiful! 😍

VirileSwimmers: What's that one mean?

BabyMama: It's French, the female equivalent of Edmund… to honor your dad ♥️

BabyMama: Col?

BabyMama: It's been a minute…

BabyMama: You're crying, aren't you? 🫂

VirileSwimmers: Shut up

BabyMama: So sappy 🥰

VirileSwimmers: I just… I'm so fucking grateful for you and our life and our love and this baby

VirileSwimmers: And I love you so much

BabyMama: Good thing it's very mutual 😘

BabyMama: So Edmée seems to be the one? ♥️

VirileSwimmers: If you're on board

BabyMama: Rosemary Edmée Bridgerton

VirileSwimmers: God

VirileSwimmers: Fuck

BabyMama. Yeah

BabyMama: I know the feeling

VirileSwimmers: We just named our baby girl 🥺

BabyMama: Stop taking, I'm hormonal and missing you and 😭😭😭😭😭😭

BabyMama: Do something to make me not miss you or I'm gonna sob and you won't be here to hug me

VirileSwimmers: Okay, okay!

VirileSwimmers: Fun fact!

VirileSwimmers: Did you know that in the 40’s there was a headless chicken that lived for over a year with its head cut off?

BabyMama: What the actual fuck? 🙂

VirileSwimmers: It's true! His name was Mike and his brain stem stayed attached

VirileSwimmers: Ambitious fucker stayed alive for 18 months!

BabyMama: Why did I need to know that, Colin?

BabyMama: There is no timeline in which my life was enriched by that knowledge

VirileSwimmers: No because I have a point!

VirileSwimmers: If Mike can survive without a HEAD for 18 months, we can surely manage a week without one another

BabyMama: Oh well sure, when the bar is Mike the headless chicken

VirileSwimmers: We cannot lose the resilience competition to a chicken, Penelope

VirileSwimmers: Imagine bringing a child into a world where a chicken has more willpower than us

BabyMama: My child is gonna share DNA with you 😩

VirileSwimmers: Yeah she is 🙂‍↕️

VirileSwimmers: My little ginger barbie 😍

BabyMama: Colin, I have explained this to you!

VirileSwimmers: Please let me have something

BabyMama: Like an elementary grasp of biology?

VirileSwimmers: I don't care

VirileSwimmers: If ever a child could defy biology, it will be my Rosemary!

BabyMama: I just don't want you to cry when she is born with brown hair

VirileSwimmers: I showed you the family pictures!

BabyMama: Yes, and your great great grand aunt on your dad's side having red hair doesn't mean our child will

VirileSwimmers: *sends Martin Luther King I have a dream speech gif*

BabyMama: You are a blight on the annals of history

VirileSwimmers: And I shall be father to my own ginger cherubic angel because I told my sperm to fight for the red hair alleles

BabyMama: Everytime you speak, Mendel’s corpse digs itself deeper into his grave

VirileSwimmers: Imagine her pretty red hair Pen 🥺

VirileSwimmers: I'll braid it for her like I used to for Hy, and she'll look like Pippi Longstocking but cuter!

BabyMama: You haven't processed anything I said about how genetics work, have you?

VirileSwimmers: And imagine her red mermaid hair like her Mama's in a green dress at Christmas! 😭

BabyMama: Colin, I meant to tell you, this baby is actually Benedict's

VirileSwimmers: And OMFG little bunny ears at Easter!!! 😭😭😭😭😭😭

BabyMama: *taps mic* Is this thing on?

VirileSwimmers: What nickname is better for Rosemary? Rosie or Mary?

VirileSwimmers: I like Rosie because roses are red so it'll match her hair 🌹🥺🌹

BabyMama: I meant to tell you I lied, we're actually having triplets

VirileSwimmers: And we can take her swimming and get those little floaties like in the commercials 😍

BabyMama: You've dissociated right down cuckoo banana lane, haven't you?

VirileSwimmers: And that tree at Aubrey where I carved our names, I'll add hers also!

BabyMama: I'm going to raise our baby on an all-vegan diet

VirileSwimmers: I'm gonna get Funcle hats for Ant, Ben and Greg!

VirileSwimmers: WAIT!

VirileSwimmers: What?????

VirileSwimmers: We can't raise her on a vegan diet!!! Are you insane???

BabyMama: ….. that's what he notices

VirileSwimmers: The Easter roast at Aubrey Hall was ninety percent of my reason to live as a child!

VirileSwimmers: My Rosie cannot be deprived of meat protein, Pen!

BabyMama: Yes, it's a well known fact that children raised on vegan diets immediately wither away 😒

VirileSwimmers: She's a Bridgerton! She can't be deprived of steak 🥹

BabyMama: I need to know what your qualm is with brown hair

BabyMama: You look like a Disney prince with your chestnut waves

VirileSwimmers: 😏

BabyMama: You know how much I love running my fingers through them…

VirileSwimmers: 🫠🫠🫠

BabyMama: Playing with them when we cuddle in post-coital bliss

VirileSwimmers: 🥹🥹🥹

VirileSwimmers: Penelope Bridgerton!

BabyMama: It wasn't me

VirileSwimmers: Stop trying to sell me on brown hair because you know I'm a slut for your hair kink

VirileSwimmers: Your distraction techniques won't work!

BabyMama: Not even a little bit?

VirileSwimmers: I'm onto your game, wife

BabyMama: *one image sent*

VirileSwimmers: My girls 🥺🥺🥺

VirileSwimmers: Blackmailing me into calming down by showing me that beautiful body growing my angel baby

BabyMama: Did it work? 🫢

VirileSwimmers: Literally always

BabyMama: Your breeding kink does make it easier to accept that I increasingly resemble a panda

VirileSwimmers: You are bearing our progeny and looking like an absolute smokeshow doing so!

BabyMama: Stop validating me into having a healthy body image you bastard

BabyMama: Be simple like the rest of men

VirileSwimmers: No

VirileSwimmers: You are a fertility goddess carved by the gods themselves 😍

BabyMama: I hate you

BabyMama: Come back soon 🥹

VirileSwimmers: Like 🫰🏻

BabyMama: 🫰🏻

BabyMama: I think Rosie has gotten very used to her space heater of a father cuddling her at night

BabyMama: I couldn't find a comfortable position to sleep last night for the life of me with her acrobatics

BabyMama: Maybe she felt cold

VirileSwimmers: Have you been doing the coconut oil rubs before sleeping???

BabyMama: Yes, but you do them so much better 🥺

VirileSwimmers: Four days left

BabyMama: It's fine, Rosie and I have been bonding over absent father figures

VirileSwimmers: WOW

BabyMama: 😇

VirileSwimmers: There is a fine line between hormonal and pure evil 😒

BabyMama: I told her I would never abandon her to gallivant across the globe

VirileSwimmers: You're carrying her! You couldn't abandon her if you tried!

BabyMama: Sigh, classic absentee father excuses

VirileSwimmers: If I were a seahorse this wouldn't even be a conversation!

BabyMama: It's okay, Colin, Rosie and I have accepted that it is our lot in life to be neglected 💔

VirileSwimmers: *voicenote 2.50 minutes sent*

VirileSwimmers: Cover your ears when you play that to her, this is just for her 😒

BabyMama: 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

BabyMama: She just started tap dancing when she heard your voice

VirileSwimmers: Even in utero, she knows where her loyalties lie 👨‍🍼

BabyMama: Yeah but your organs aren't literally being rearranged to accommodate her

BabyMama: I always have that to blackmail her with

VirileSwimmers: But my heart feels like it's getting bigger every day just waiting for her 🥺

BabyMama: WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS

VirileSwimmers: I can't function without you both

VirileSwimmers: I need to come home

BabyMama: Okay I wasn't trying to make you sad

VirileSwimmers: I'm not sad, I just wanna be with you and take care of you and her

BabyMama: You do. Even far away you do

VirileSwimmers: What good am I if you have to do your own coconut rubs?

BabyMama: True. I only keep you around for the free labor

VirileSwimmers: Don't make me fun of me for what I'm about to say

BabyMama: Are you new?

VirileSwimmers: 😒

BabyMama: Tell me

VirileSwimmers: I KNOW babies aren't making memories inside the uterus

VirileSwimmers: BUT what if she can feel I'm away from her?

VirileSwimmers: Like not intellectually but her little organs can feel my absence

VirileSwimmers: Or she misses my voice? Or she can tell my warm hands from your cold ones?

VirileSwimmers: The idea that any atom of hers can feel anything bad because I'm not there kills me

BabyMama: Oh Colin

VirileSwimmers: I shouldn't have agreed to come

BabyMama: Col, I need you to hear me

BabyMama: Jokes aside, she is fine, I am fine, we are fine ♥️

BabyMama: I am playing your goodnight lullaby to her every night and your morning song

BabyMama: I have your old YouTube vlogs playing on the telly constantly so your voice is always in the background

BabyMama: And I tell her everyday her daddy is working hard to give her the best life

BabyMama: It's four more days and then you will be with her

BabyMama: Make the best of the downtime, we won't have much very soon

VirileSwimmers: I don't want or need time away from you both

BabyMama: Okay you wanna do a round of two truths and a lie, the baby edition?

VirileSwimmers: It's not gonna make me miss you both less

BabyMama: Worth a shot?

VirileSwimmers: … fine….

BabyMama: Okay! I am currently demolishing an entire carton of rocky road ice cream, one of the baby names I loved for boys when I was young was Darcy, and my Bridgerton crush besides you was Anthony

VirileSwimmers: Well I'm no longer sad, just mildly homicidal

BabyMama: 😌

VirileSwimmers: The last one is the lie because your crush was Benedict 😒😒😒

BabyMama: It's not my fault! He was a PAINTER and he went through a beret phase

BabyMama: I'm just a girl 🫠

VirileSwimmers: That's Rosie's uncle if you could kindly stop memory lusting after him 😒

BabyMama: I am literally carrying your baby, I think you're safe 😘

VirileSwimmers: *sends I feel constant homicidal rage gif*

BabyMama: Oh!

VirileSwimmers: What?! Are you okay????

BabyMama: Yes, she just did that thing where it feels my bladder is being used as a bouncy castle

BabyMama: Fuck, it feels like she's gone from sleepy to starting her football career overnight

BabyMama: Brb, have to pee for the thousandth time 🙄

VirileSwimmers: ❤️

BabyMama: Hello I am back, sorry took me a bit, had to make a snack

BabyMama: You've been suspiciously quiet for the last five minutes

BabyMama: You okay?

VirileSwimmers: Please don't yell at me for this or call me unreasonable

BabyMama: You got a monument of Mike the headless chicken commissioned for Trafalgar Square?

VirileSwimmers: *one image sent*

BabyMama: Oh Col, you didn't

VirileSwimmers: Anthony is fine with it, you saw how he was with Eddie and Charlotte!

VirileSwimmers: I'm gonna do the meeting virtually

BabyMama: You sure about this?

VirileSwimmers: Yes, I can't focus, I'm miserable, I wanna be home with you both

BabyMama: Crazy fucker

VirileSwimmers: YOUR crazy fucker

BabyMama: 🙄😘

BabyMama: So I guess we'll see you at the airport tonight at 5:30?

VirileSwimmers: Yeah you will! 😍😍😍

Chapter Text

iMessage chat between Colin Bridgerton and Penelope Featherington, 9:30 am

Colin has changed changed Penelope’s name to @Rosie’s Mama

Penelope has changed Colin’s name to @Rosie’s Dada

Rosie’s Mama: Ethical question

Rosie’s Dada: Yes, you should absolutely do that 🙂‍↕️

Rosie’s Mama: You don’t even know what I’m about to ask!

Rosie’s Dada: Solidarity baby

Rosie’s Mama: 💋💋💋

Rosie’s Mama: I am currently contemplating tying some people to some train tracks

Rosie’s Dada: They obviously have it coming

Rosie’s Mama: I find it so hot when you have no morals 🥵

Rosie’s Dada: 😏I know 😏

Rosie’s Dada: Now, who are we destroying?

Rosie’s Mama: The entirety of the NHS

Rosie’s Mama: ONE HOUR

Rosie’s Mama: I have been waiting for my appointment for ONE HOUR and I got here half hour early

Rosie’s Dada: Nerd

Rosie’s Mama: Shut up

Rosie’s Mama: If I show up 15 mins late they can cancel my appointment!

Rosie’s Mama: But if I have to twiddle my thumbs for an hour for them, I’m just supposed to nod and smile

Rosie’s Mama: And then for my troubles I get to have a torture device stuck up my vagina

Rosie’s Mama: All because you didn’t have the decency to be a seahorse so now the Dr has to make sure my nether regions aren’t all askew after birthing our child

Rosie’s Dada: I have apologized okay! If I could have birthed Rosie I would have!

Rosie’s Mama: This was all to teach me an important life lesson, and you know what that is?

Rosie’s Dada: You love us? 🥹👉👈

Rosie’s Mama: That no good comes from having sex with you!

Rosie’s Dada: I mean… some good COMES of it 😏

Rosie’s Mama: Murder 😠

Rosie’s Dada: Would a picture of my napping angel baby make you feel better?

Rosie’s Mama: OUR napping angel baby

Rosie’s Mama: And yes please 😢

Rosie’s Dada: *six images sent*

Rosie’s Mama: My bubba 😍😍😍

Rosie’s Mama: I want to sniff her hair omg my magic potion 😭

Rosie’s Dada: Her RED HAIR to be precise 😎😎😎😎😎😎😎

Rosie’s Mama: It’s been six weeks, you have made your point 😑

Rosie’s Dada: I had nary a SINGLE person on my side when I was manifesting her red hair!

Rosie’s Dada: Not ONE, including YOU

Rosie’s Dada: I will lord her beautiful sunset curls over everyone’s heads for the rest of her life 😠

Rosie’s Dada: Their goofy blonde and brunette and black hair that is not red like my baby girl’s 🕺🕺🕺

Rosie’s Mama: Sigh

Rosie’s Mama: I still don’t know what magic you performed to defy genetics like that

Rosie’s Dada: The same magic that got me my soulmate 😘

Rosie’s Mama: You’re trying to cute me out of my aggression aren’t you 🤨

Rosie’s Dada: Is it working?

Rosie’s Mama: None of your business

Rosie’s Mama: Do it some more

Rosie’s Dada: I swear when we did tummy time earlier she tried to crawl!

Rosie’s Mama: Colin

Rosie’s Dada: I am TELLING you she is advanced okay!

Rosie’s Mama: She can’t hold her own head up yet

Rosie’s Mama: But yes, she is trying to crawl…

Rosie’s Dada: Why don’t you have faith that she is better than all babies ever?

Rosie’s Mama: It’s not nice to do a competition among babies Colin!

Rosie’s Dada: But just between us… come on….

Rosie’s Mama: She is the cutest and smartest and smells the nicest and is the best ever 🙂‍↕️

Rosie's Dada: And just wait until her first Christmas card!!!

Rosie's Dada: She will make all those other babies cry because they can't hold a candle to her 🙂‍↕️

Rosie's Mama: You mean your nieces and nephews? 😝

Rosie's Dada: Pen, I love them, but COME ON

Rosie's Dada: A RED-haired baby in a GREEN dress

Rosie's Dada: She will literally be Christmas personified 🥹🥹🥹

Rosie's Mama: As long as you're not starting wars with literal babies 🙂

Rosie's Mama: Also, why aren't you napping with her?

Rosie's Mama: If she's colicky again tonight, we both need the rest!

Rosie's Dada: I was about to but then I got distracted with the scrunchy faces she kept making in her sleep

Rosie's Mama: So you decided to take eleventy million pictures instead?

Rosie's Dada: Yes 🙂‍↕️

Rosie's Mama: You're a little crazy 😘

Rosie's Dada: I am absolutely obsessed with her

Rosie's Dada: Also…

Rosie's Dada: Please don't kill me

Rosie's Mama: COLIN istg

Rosie's Dada: But they had ROSES on them!!! 🥹

Rosie's Dada: I'm just a Dada

Rosie's Mama: She is going through a growth spurt every day!

Rosie's Mama: Stop buying her new clothes she'll grow out of in ten seconds!

Rosie's Dada: But the roses 🥹

Rosie's Dada: The hat with the roses and the little booties with the roses and the frilly onesie with the roses 😭😭😭

Rosie's Mama: She is going to use you as her personal doormat

Rosie's Dada: What else is a Dada for 😍

Rosie's Mama: Teaching her boundaries

Rosie's Dada: Hard pass

Rosie's Mama: Saying no, occasionally?

Rosie's Dada: *one image sent* YOU say no to that face

Rosie's Mama: I can't believe she rearranged my insides and came out looking like your twin 😑

Rosie's Dada: She was team Dada from day one 😎

Rosie's Mama: 😒

Rosie's Mama: We shouldn't make her a slave to materialism this early

Rosie's Dada: We talked about this, Pen!

Rosie's Mama: You need to take on some of the disciplining roles as well!

Rosie's Dada: And I WILL

Rosie's Dada: But I will also get her anything she wants, needs, dreams of, asks for or smiles at

Rosie's Dada: Those aren't mutually exclusive 🙂‍↔️

Rosie's Mama: *sends exasperated Robert Downey Jr. gif*

Rosie's Mama: You're just lucky I'm a sucker for denim blue eyes

Rosie's Dada: We know and we exploit it every day 😌

Rosie's Dada: Is it nearly your turn?

Rosie's Mama: No 🧐

Rosie's Mama: Was all of England having sex at the same time last year?! Why is it so crowded in here

Rosie's Dada: Do you wanna play a game while you wait?

Rosie's Mama: Don't you wanna nap with her for a bit?

Rosie's Dada: I'm okay, some crazy woman didn't wake me up for Rosie's second feed last night 😒

Rosie's Dada: So I'm comparatively rested

Rosie's Mama: She is being breast fed, she doesn't need you for that

Rosie's Dada: 😠😠😠

Rosie's Mama: You were sawing logs, I wanted you to catch up on some sleep!

Rosie's Dada: She likes it when I burp her!

Rosie's Mama: You always get so dramatic when she coos at me after a good feed

Rosie's Dada: Because it's not fair 😒

Rosie's Mama: Yes, I heard you mumbling “just because Mama has boobies doesn't mean Dada shouldn't be your favorite” to her 😒😒😒

Rosie's Dada: I like feeding time even if I can't technically help

Rosie's Dada: My time with my girls 🥹

Rosie's Mama: At least your girls are faring better than mine

Rosie's Mama: If my boobs get any bigger for your gluttonous mini-me, I will topple over when I stand

Rosie's Dada: Respectfully 👅👅👅

Rosie's Mama: Temper your joy. When I stop breastfeeding, they will deflate like sad balloons

Rosie's Dada: Please don't take this the wrong way

Rosie's Dada: But my only requirement of your boobs

Rosie’s Dada: Is that they be yours and they be boobs 🥵

Rosie's Mama: You're the worst

Rosie's Mama: I love you 😠

Rosie's Dada: I shall lavish them with some much needed adoration upon your return 😏

Rosie's Mama: This is what I need, to be HORNY and angry

Rosie's Dada: Finnneee, let's do the game!

Rosie's Mama: Speaking of games, did you try today's wordle? 🫢

Rosie's Dada: 😑😑😑😑🔪🔪🔪🔪

Rosie's Mama: Oh no, did you guess it right?

Rosie's Dada: 🔪🔪🔪🔪

Rosie's Mama: So you got your little dopamine hit

Rosie's Dada: How do you contain this much evil for one so tiny?

Rosie's Mama: And you have to wait a whole day for the next one 🫢🫢🫢

Rosie's Dada: No boob TLC for you 😠

Rosie's Mama: Try playing it again, Colin, see what it says 🤣

Rosie's Dada: I swear on Rosie if I ever meet that fucker Josh Wardle in real life

Rosie's Mama: I've never seen a grown man so angry that he couldn't play wordle more than once

Rosie's Dada: Limiting us to ONE dopamine hit a day

Rosie's Dada: No one hugged him in real life and and now he's making us all suffer 🤬

Rosie's Mama: You know what I love about you besides everything?

Rosie's Mama: How proportionally you always react to everything 😘

Rosie's Dada: Just staring at Rosie’s red hair to remind myself I love you 😒

Rosie's Mama: I'll stop being evil

Rosie's Mama: Some woman came in who gave birth to triplets recently

Rosie's Mama: Whatever her uterus went through, she deserves to be seen first

Rosie's Dada: 🥹🥹🥹

Rosie's Mama: Oh god

Rosie's Dada: Maybe next time 🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻

Rosie's Mama: No

Rosie's Dada: Let me dream!

Rosie's Mama: You got your red haired baby girl!

Rosie's Mama: My nether regions took one for the team

Rosie's Mama: But with God as my witness I will not carry your multiples!

Rosie's Dada: Just gonna curl around Rosie while I nurse my broken heart

Rosie's Dada: 💔💔💔

Rosie's Mama: A broken heart is sooner repaired than my lady business would be carrying three of your gargantuan spawn AT ONCE

Rosie's Dada: My spawn is a perfect tiny cherubic ball of perfection 🙂‍↔️

Rosie's Mama: Didn't feel so tiny when her 9 pound self tunneled out of me half my height!

Rosie's Dada: Don't height shame my child!

Rosie's Mama: Teach me to marry you just for the bear hugs

Rosie's Dada: You married me to “keep my beautiful dong on lock”

Rosie's Mama: You want me to screenshots your own drunken rambles back to you wisearse? 😑

Rosie's Dada: Okay, okay!

Rosie's Dada: Let's play what we we’'re always going to

Rosie's Mama: Hell yeah 🙂‍↕️ Ttaal me baby

Rosie's Dada: Touch titties and arouse languidly? ON IT 🫡🫡🫡

Rosie's Mama: Send me another pic of Rosie so I can remind myself I chose you

Rosie's Dada: I behave now

Rosie's Mama: Good boy

Rosie's Dada: Oh come the fuck on! And THAT'S playing fair?

Rosie's Mama: 😏😏😏

Rosie's Mama: I shall go first

Rosie's Mama: I recently, during our sex drought, drew a dirty cartoon of us fucking against a tree at Aubrey, I love pineapples on pizza and I adore Nicholas Cage

Rosie's Dada: UMM hello, you love pineapple on pizza like a sociopath and think Nic Cage has a punchable face so that's a lie

Rosie's Mama: 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️

Rosie's Dada: Why have I never seen this cartoon?!

Rosie's Mama: Because my imagination went berserk

Rosie's Dada: YES?

Rosie's Mama: And the anatomical details got a bit shifty

Rosie's Dada: Ohhhh????? 👀

Rosie's Mama: Let's just say…my legs were bending in ways that are scientifically impossible

Rosie's Mama: Unless I'm a pretzel

Rosie's Dada: Yeah I'm gonna need to see this cartoon for science

Rosie's Mama: You're not emotionally stable enough for that

Rosie's Dada: I'm not emotionally stable enough for anything, ever, we can't let that stop us!

Rosie's Dada: *sends gimme gimme gimme gif*

Rosie's Mama: Do your turn 😘

Rosie's Dada: How am I meant to focus with lurid images of Pen-pretzel in my mind?

Rosie's Dada: I'm just a boy 🫠

Rosie's Mama: Your turn and if you do a good job I will consider showing it to you

Rosie's Dada: Ahhhh okay okay

Rosie's Dada: I'm not pretzel Penelope 🫠🥵🫠🥵🫠🥵🫠 and I'm also PRETZEL 🥵🥵🥵

Rosie's Mama: Focus you horned up squirrel!

Rosie's Dada: FINE

Rosie's Dada: I am not utterly in love with my perfect baby girl, I think Rosie could beat all the other babies up, and I will also be attempting to recreate this cartoon to test its “impossibility”

Rosie's Mama: Please stop putting Rosie in an imaginary contest with your own blood

Rosie's Dada: Not a contest if she'll win 😎

Rosie's Mama: And I'm not letting you fuck me against a tree to test if my legs can bend that way

Rosie's Dada: *sends I dreamed a dream in time gone by gif*

Rosie’s Dada: Penelope, we are parents

Rosie’s Dada: We are shaping the next generation

Rosie’s Dada: Do you REALLY want to raise our child in a world where we give up on things without even TRYING?

Rosie’s Dada: Do you really want THAT to be your legacy?

Rosie’s Mama: Oh sure, if it's for the sake of the next generation 🙄

Rosie’s Dada: If you want we can consult an actual artist about the anatomical accuracy

Rosie’s Mama: The only actual artist we know is Benedict

Rosie’s Mama: I am not showing Rosie’s uncle my bare tits and your naked arse for funsies

Rosie’s Dada: *sends error 404 gif*

Rosie’s Mama: You stopped processing anything after bare tits didn’t you?

Rosie’s Dada: Tits arse tree pretzel awooga 🫠

Rosie’s Mama: Tell you what

Rosie’s Mama: If I am all healed up and get clearance for le sex

Rosie’s Dada: 🎶Livin’ on a prayyyeeerrrrr 🎶

Rosie’s Mama: Then perhaps I will consider… experimenting with some of the bending 😉

Rosie’s Dada: Yes, this is the way

Rosie's Mama: And oh look, it is my turn at long last

Rosie's Mama: Wish me luck, hope my lady bits look pretty

Rosie's Dada: Respect my best friends, they are perfect

Rosie's Dada: Good luck love 😘 Update me after!

Rosie's Mama: Will do 😘

Rosie's Mama: Hello, I am back and in le Uber home

Rosie's Mama: You haven't texted in half hour so hoping you fell asleep with her for a bit

Rosie's Mama: Everything looks good and healed 🙌🏻

Rosie's Mama: Also, I have been cleared for le sexual activities 😌😌😌

Rosie's Mama: So tonight when she's down for the count, I am about to climb you like that tree at Aubrey

Rosie’s Mama: You better have that black sleeveless vest handy

Rosie's Mama: Fuck I've missed you and HOW 🥵

Rosie's Dada: I'M AWAKE I’M AWAKE I'M HERE!!!!!!!

Rosie's Mama: There's my slutty GPS 😘

Chapter Text

Five years later

iMessage chat between Colin Bridgerton and Penelope Featherington, 11:50 am

Penelope has changed Colin’s name to @Olin

Colin has changed Penelope’s name to @Pelopee

Pelopee: I sent you both to get me a singular latte

Pelopee: It has now been an hour

Pelopee: Respectfully, what the fuck? 🙂

Olin: Hi we love you 😍

Pelopee: What did you buy her? 😑

Olin: Okay no listen! It wasn't my fault!

Pelopee: Olin Bridgerton!

Pelopee: I send you on ONE unsupervised errand with our daughter

Olin: Listen, LISTEN

Pelopee: We are at an airport, use your indoor voice

Olin: We got your latte!

Olin: Decaf with hazelnut and extra foam and cinnamon because we love you

Pelopee: That's ALL you were supposed to do btw

Olin: BUT as we were walking back to you, with just a latte behaving ourselves because we love you

Pelopee: I'm gonna be popcorn if you butter me up anymore

Olin: We passed the duty free store and she saw this white dress that had a blue platypus on it

Olin: And she said “Daddy, Miss Stacey was teaching us all about animals and baby platypuses are called puggles”

Pelopee: Oh god

Olin: “If I wear that dress, I'll be a puggle” 😭😭😭😭😭

Pelopee: OLIN

Olin: A PUGGLE! She wants to be my PUGGLE

Pelopee: I should've married Benedict when I had the chance

Olin: So then we bought the dress and she immediately changed into it

Olin: And a PUGGLE Pelopee

Olin: *one image sent*

Olin: You tell me if you ever saw a happier PUGGLE than her 🥹🥹🥹🥹

Pelopee: Olin, love of my life, father of my children

Pelopee: You already brought her a brand new wardrobe for a five day trip

Olin: But the PUGGLE? 🥹

Pelopee: I know this all seems adorable right now

Olin: PUGGLE in a white dress 🥹

Pelopee: But one day soon she will be a teenager

Olin: No

Pelopee: And cognizant that she can exploit the fuck out of you

Olin: Yes

Pelopee: She will blink those pretty blue eyes at you when she wants to start dating

Olin: No

Pelopee: You never say no now, good luck when she uses that to break curfew with some biker named Chad

Olin: NO stop talking

Pelopee: “Daddy, can I please go to that house party, it starts at midnight but I love you?” 🥹

Olin: No no no no stop

Pelopee: You have got to set SOME boundaries before she uses them to tap her first keg

Olin: I'm throwing your latte out and also killing myself

Pelopee: Stop buying her things!!

Olin: The Mobile Number You Have Dialed is unavailable because the customer has died of a heart attack

Pelopee: I can't believe I let you knock me up again

Pelopee: You never met a boundary Rosie can't cross

Olin: Maybe our son will be pure evil like you, and me and my angel puggle can start a support group

Pelopee: I'm twelve seconds pregnant, you don't know it's a boy yet

Olin: Rosie asked for a baby brother

Olin: That's what she's getting

Pelopee: I see she's being taught biology at the Colin Bridgerton school of batshit crazy

Olin: God forbid I teach my child to DREAM

Pelopee: How are you texting me this much, what's Rosie up to?

Olin: She's busy being perfect

Pelopee: Sonofabitch

Pelopee: You bought her ice cream, didn't you?

Olin: We're in holiday mode!!!

Pelopee: Ice cream before the flight! Now she's gonna be on a sugar high

Pelopee: Jesus Allah Ram and Thor, help me not murder this man

Olin: We also bought you an almond croissant 😘

Pelopee: Oh okay I forgive you then 🥳🥳🥳

Pelopee: If my latte gets cold I am sending you to get me a fresh one!

Olin: 🫡

******

Five minutes later, Penelope looked up from her comfortable leather chair in the lounge to see Colin and Rosie making their way back to her. Their daughter was riding piggyback, the French braid pigtails her dad had painstakingly plaited that morning thumping Colin on the shoulders as he balanced Pen's coffee cup and croissant precariously in one hand.

They were singing their favorite song as a duet, something Colin had been singing to her since she was a baby.

“Ain't no mountain high enough,” Rosie giggled.

“Ain’t no valley low enough!” Colin belted.

“Ain't no river wide enough,” Rosie nuzzled into his neck.

“To keep me from getting to you babe!” They both finished in unison as they plopped down in front of Penelope.

Rosie made her way to Penelope, twirling around in the brand new dress she'd donned right over her T-shirt and tights, too impatient to change properly.

“Mum, Daddy bought me this for the trip! Do you like it?” Rosie's denim blue eyes were sparkling with fevered excitement, from the dual pleasures of sugar and new clothing. Colin looked at Pen sheepishly, dropping a kiss on her cheek and setting her food down on the table next to her.

Pen smiled, tucking a couple of stray pieces of hair behind Rosie's little elfin ears. Her father's twin, in face and spirit.

“It's beautiful, bubba.”

“Daddy and I were walking by the store and he remembered Miss Stacey teaching us about puggles! Said he wanted to buy the dress for me because I'm his puggle!” Rosie babbled on, fishing her tablet and earphones out of her backpack. “Can I play my games?”

“Just for a bit,” Pen conceded. “You'll get to play more on the flight.”

“Ten minutes!” Rosie negotiated.

“Five,” Pen told her firmly.

Rosie pouted, looking at her Dad for support.

“Maybe ten is–” Colin began, then immediately bit his lip when Pen glared at him. “Five, babe, then we'll play some other game together.”

Rosie grumbled but sank back in her chair, drowning her parents out for a few minutes. Pen raised her eyebrows at Colin.

“I thought she asked you to buy the dress.”

Colin's ears reddened.

“Technicality.”

“You have the spine of a jellyfish.”

“Only for my favorite girls.”

“So when your son comes along, you'll be a disciplinarian?”

Colin nodded empathically.

“Yes. Rules, boundaries, authority etc.”

“And if he comes out looking like my twin, like little miss here is yours?”

“Oh then forget it, zero rules, law of the jungle.”

Pen rubbed her stomach, rolling her eyes.

“Feeling much better about doing this for a second time.”

“You feeling okay for the flight,” Colin asked, concern suddenly coloring his features. With Rosie, Penelope had suffered violent morning sickness in the first trimester. Surprisingly, despite still being in the early stages of her new pregnancy, she only occasionally felt a little tired. The nausea seemed to have mercifully spared her this go around.

“I'm good, I promise.”

His face relaxed. He looked towards the buffet at the back of the lounge. “I'm gonna grab a bite, what can I get you?”

“I'm good with my croissant,” Pen assured him. “Grab a quiche and some water for Rosie. She's gonna get hungry in twelve seconds like her bottomless pit of a father.”

Colin looked over at his daughter, the perpetual glow of worship crinkling his eyes.

“Yes ma'am.”

As he joined the queue for the buffet, Pen's eyes settled on her daughter. To celebrate their family growing, they had decided to take Rosie on her first trip to Spain, the country where her parents made their relationship official all those years ago. Pen’s heart caught in her chest as it often did in the rare quieter moments as she stared at her growing daughter.

Swelling with more love than felt possible to contain some days, as she thought of Colin.

In the five years since they'd had Rosie, Penelope had realized there were roles every human being was specifically created to fit into. Some made amazing spouses, some doting children, others generous siblings.

If ever a man was put on earth to be a father, it was Colin Bridgerton.

From the minute he had known of Rosie's existence, he had devoted every bit of himself to her happiness. No matter how long a day at work, he was never out of patience to have a tea party with Rosie or help her with her homework. There was not a single illness Rosie had ever had where he hadn't sat next to her all night, drained from tears and worry until he saw she was two hundred percent okay. He had never missed a bedtime story, and could tell you the exact number of freckles on his daughter's face by heart. He watched YouTube tutorials diligently to find new hairstyles for father and daughter to experiment with together, and could spend two hours articulating an answer to a singular query Rosie had. On Rosie's first day at nursery school, he had insisted Penelope and him wait at a cafe right around the corner ‘just in case,’ and had sat there in tears the whole time at the thought of leaving Rosie alone.

The minute Rosie had been available for pickup, he had hugged her desperately, tears streaming down his face that he barely hid while Rosie chattered happily about a new friend she'd made.

Pen's heart had twisted at how difficult it was for him, and she had insisted, lovingly but firmly, that from now on she would do drop offs alone. Colin had barely fought her on that, realizing that Rosie would pick up on his anxiety and become disregulated.

That wasn't to say his love for his daughter didn't often manifest itself in absolute insanity. Like when Rosie, in her silly toddler babble, had nicknamed Colin and Penelope ‘Olin and Pelopee.’ Colin had insisted the whole extended family call him and Pen by those names until Rosie's pronunciation improved, lest it “devastate her self esteem.”

Then there was the Bridgerton of it all.

They genetically had a habit of making the people they loved their whole personality, but Anthony and Colin had taken it to a whole new level of ridiculousness when they became girl dads.

It didn't matter that Charlotte was three years older than Rosie, and so they weren't even in the same age bracket to compete for anything. Or that the older girl doted on her younger cousin and their mothers actively discouraged any comparison.

When it came to who could brag about their daughter the most, Ant and Colin were both competing for gold in the stupid Olympics.

“Charlotte did NOT cry when she had her first pictures with Santa!”

“Ant, you spammed us for a week with her holiday pics, at least commit to the lie and get rid of the evidence!”

“Well she certainly had the presence of mind not to pull Santa's beard and nearly topple the whole display over!”

“Judging the motor skills of a five month old, well done Uncle Anthony!”

“And Charlotte was collecting pension when she took her pics?!”

“Rosie was the only baby who didn't cry that day!”

“Probably because you plied her with biscuits right before!”

“Yes, I was giving my five month old processed sugar!”

“You’re just bent out of shape because Rosie liked the dollhouse I got her better than your ballerina costume.”

“Next Christmas I'll get Charlotte a bloody mansion! See how you enjoy it, you pompous blowhard!”

“I'll buy Rosie her own island!”

This debate would have gone on endlessly if Kate and Penelope hadn't stepped in, with threats to cancel future Christmas gatherings, force celibacy upon their husbands, and perform diy vasectomies on both of them to prevent extending their lineages further.

Both men had grumbled angrily, called a reluctant truce, then immediately picked it up again at dinner time over which child tried more new foods upon first being weaned as babies.

At that point Kate took Anthony's credit card and booked an expensive spa weekend for herself and Penelope.

That humbled both men long enough that there were no more fights over their daughters, until Easter.

But these bouts of insanity had never diminished both Pen or Colin's desire to grow their family eventually. But unlike most of their siblings, they had waited a few years before trying for a second. Both of them had their reasons that only the other was privy to.

Colin loved all his siblings to death, but had often felt lost in the shuffle of eight children, having to fight over everything from chicken nuggets to who got more of Mum and Dad's time and attention. It had often left him feeling lost and overlooked; it had also been a big factor in why he’d spent so many years travelling away from everyone, desperate to know some quiet, something that was all his own.

Penelope had felt neglected for much different reasons. While it was an abundance of love that had led Colin to feeling a bit untethered, love and affection always operated at a deficiency in the Featherington household. She had grown up with an emotionally indifferent mother, neglectful and sometimes downright cruel sisters, and had never known what being surrounded by comfort could feel like.

So they had both agreed that they'd wait a few years before they gave Rosie a sibling. They wanted to be able to enjoy her as much as possible, let her have as much of their uninterrupted time and love as she needed before she had to start sharing it. It was only when she had begun nursery that they had seriously begun debating trying to get pregnant again. Even then, it had taken until she was nearly ready for year 1 before they'd actively tried to conceive.

Another advantage of waiting was that Rosie was able to share in their excitement for a new baby brother (she refused to make allowance for a sister). Colin had gotten a first-hand taste of what the Bridgerton stubbornness could be like when he and Rosie debated boy names endlessly. Colin favored Callum, but Rosie had recently watched Spiderman and was gunning hard for Peter Parker Bridgerton. Penelope was just praying for her sanity and hoping the new child had some of her calm and rationality.

And that's how they'd ended up here, taking a family trip to where their story had begun, to show Rosie the place that had cemented their history, before her new sibling came along.

Share their story of how two lost people found love and home in each other.

Lost in her memories, Penelope was shaken out of her stupor when the timer on her mobile went off.

She shook her head, and poked Rosie gently. Colin was making their way back to them, tray laden with food for him and his gluttonous mini-me.

“Time's up, bubba.”

Rosie frowned, Colin's beautiful eyes and aquiline nose looking at her imploringly.

“Two more minutes?”

Pen didn't answer, just raised a single eyebrow and held her hand out. Rosie handed over the iPad without further protest, the usual arguments for a few more minutes stymied by the sight of her dad. And the heaping bowl of macaroni and cheese he'd selected for her.

“Why the big frown, Puggle?” He asked, setting the tray down. Rosie tore open a packet of ketchup and began squirting it on top of her macaroni.

“Timer’s up. No more games until the plane, Mum said. And the flight is hours and hours away!”

Technically their flight had only been delayed about three hours, but they knew that was basically eternity to a child's mind.

Colin took a big bite of his quiche lorraine and chewed thoughtfully for a moment.

“We can play a different game, we don't need the screen to have fun.”

“Teach me yours and mum’s game!” Rosie insisted, not so much eating her food as inhaling it. Though how was Pen supposed to reprimand her, when Rosie's father was similarly snorting his quiche as though the cheese inside had personally offended him and he had to murder it.

Pen grinned at Colin.

“You think she's old enough for that game?”

“I'm nearly six!” Rosie said indignantly.

“Yeah, Pen, she's nearly six!” Colin teased. “I think it's about time she learned about the game that began her mum and dad's love story.”

“I know that story,” Rosie nodded at her dad. “Mum told me. She said you were a big goofus who didn't understand how much you loved mum, but she told you because she's smarter than you, and then you got married.”

“That's the whole story, very good love,” Pen laughed as Colin glared at her.

“I think your mum may have left out a few details.”

“Like what?” Rosie asked curiously, before becoming immersed in her macaroni once more. For a long moment, Pen and Colin stared at one another. Her heart skipped a beat as it often did even all these years later, a blush warming her cheeks with how much adoration he stared at her with.

The man she'd once only loved from a distance, never daring to dream those feelings would be reciprocated so assuredly, fervently, loudly.

That the boy she'd seen turn into a gangly teenager, would become the adult she fantasized about, and then this. Her husband, the father of her children, the man who had recently sprung a few stray greys in those beloved chestnut curls she prayed their new baby would be born with. Wearing the same glasses he had donned when they had first made love, which he refused to change because he said they held the scent of their history. Her whole life's story revealed in the crinkles at the corner of his eyes, the sheen in his remarkably blue eyes, the smile that was only just for her.

Who had risked telling her how he felt at this very airport, so very long ago, over what they thought was an innocuous little game.

Who had found her ‘not enough’ with his ‘too much’, and made them perfect.

Everything was in his face at that moment.

“Our love story actually began with mine and mum's game,” Colin finally answered.

“And I'm old enough to learn?”

“I think you are. You remember the name of the game?”

“Two truths and a lie!”

“Yes, sweetheart. Let's play two truths and a lie.”