Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Jim checked his watch for what felt like the hundredth time. He didn't like the anxious feeling starting to build inside of him, and he forced himself to remember that he was still technically early (only by a few minutes now, but Jim would not let himself count down the seconds like he wanted to do).

He had asked Spock to meet him at the small restaurant just a few blocks away from Starfleet Academy at 1900 hours earlier that day. Jim had told himself that asking Spock to dinner would be the hardest part, especially since he had to pretend that he hadn't memorized Spock's whole class schedule to catch him right at the perfect moment. The Vulcan had eyed him suspiciously for a second, but Kirk was sure he had played it casually enough. Spock also had a habit of eyeing everyone suspiciously, so maybe he hadn't noticed a thing.

Probably.

Hopefully.

Jim checked his watch again. It was already past the time he had told Spock to meet him. Not by much, but Kirk hadn't known a Vulcan who would dare show up late to anything.

Kirk forced himself to let go of the serviette that had borne the brunt of his growing uneasiness. This truly had been a mistake. He really should just have left Starfleet to handle this one. They had already approved the promotion-- heck, Admiral Pike was the one to suggest in the first place-- but Kirk had just wanted to make it special.

It was not every day that you got to ask someone to be your first officer. Especially not someone as special as Spock. He knew every single one of his senior crew members would be excited to have him as their XO-- mostly because Uhura and Scotty had teamed up to remind him how valuable Spock would be to their crew (not that Kirk needed more convincing, but it was heartwarming to hear it from those who had had the pleasure of serving with him before). He truly was the perfect first officer. Or he would be if Kirk even got the chance to offer the position to him.

He really hadn't met anyone like Spock before. From their first handshake, Kirk had known something was just different.

Krik recalled one night in particular. They had been playing chess late at night in Spock's quarters, a tradition that had started shortly after their first meeting. It was usually a perfect moment to unwind and just relax, but their mission that day in Nelvana II hung heavy over them.

The planet, right at the edge of the Romulan neutral zone, hosted a small colony of non-federation settlers. The Enterprise and the Farragut had intercepted distress signals from the surface as they were conducting a joint mission in search of a Romulan ship that had been detected near the vicinity. Immediately, they had organized the necessary personnel and beamed down to the planet.

Kirk had been in the first landing party. He wished he hadn't. The stench had been unbearable immediately.

He had beamed down with almost the full security team of the Farragut, but those people hadn't been attacked. They had starved.

The crops had failed. They had sent a ship out to look for help. They had reached Romulan space, and then the Federation had stepped in-- but not to help. They had only been there to prevent the Romulans from crossing past the neutral zone, and inadvertently stopping all aid to the dying population of Nelvana II.

Kirk hadn't been able to shake it off, even after hours-- even after they had done all they could to help the survivors. And that night-- he couldn't remember it all-- but it had been too much. During their game, he remembered tears slowly threatening to make their appearance alongside all those nasty thoughts he had fought damned hard to keep away. But he couldn't hold it in.

Immediately, he had felt so much shame for breaking, especially in front of a Vulcan, but then, Spock had been right there, gripping his hand tightly, bringing back to shore when he needed to, but allowing to wallow just enough in the shallow and dark sea for the rest of the night. They had not continued their chess game that night, but it had cemented a single truth. Kirk needed Spock. Spock was--

"Are you still waiting to order, sir?" asked a waiter, breaking Kirk out of his reverie.

Kirk looked at his watch one more time. He felt his stomach sink completely. It was now almost an hour past the time.

He kept staring at the watch. Something had to be wrong with the thing-- there was just no way.

Kirk was about to tell the waiter that he would just be leaving when a second figure stepped next to the table.

"Commander," said Spock. "I apologize for my tardiness. I attempted to send a message to your communicator, but I was unable to reach you."

Kirk looked up and his brain cells immediately seemed to shut down.

Spock was wearing a dark, long robe, that flowed elegantly down to the floor. Kirk had never seen him wear anything other than his Starfleet uniform, but the thing that captured his attention was the Vulcan's soft, blue eye shadow that perfectly brought out his elegant features.

Kirk would have waited forever, he decided.

"Commander?" Spock said, looking at him with a raised eyebrow.

"Sorry, you were saying?" Kirk said, finally managing to get his mouth to work.

"My message?"

"Your message?"

Spock looked at Kirk with mild confusion.

Kirk finally jumped back into reality. He reached for his pocket, attempting to find his communicator, before remembering he had left it in his jacket when he hung it at the front of the restaurant.

"Sorry, I seem to have misplaced my communicator," Jim said apologetically. "But don't worry about it-- please have a seat."

Spock sat down in the chair opposite him, and Kirk had to force his eyes back to the holographic display menu on the table. He did not want to make Spock uncomfortable with the starring.

"So, what was holding you up for so long?" Kirk asked.

"Our experiment in the astrophysics lab had some interesting results."

"Was that the one you told me about where you were working with Lieutenant Sulu?"

"Affirmative."

Kirk glanced up at his friend. Spock seemed completely focused on reading the menu, so Kirk just kept looking.

In the past few months, he had been promoted to Captain, assigned command of the Enterprise for a five-year mission, and met the wonderful people who would become his crew in two months.

He almost expected to wake up-- there was no way that he could be that lucky.

"You know," Kirk said, "I requested Sulu as part of my crew."

Spock did not make eye contact with Kirk nor did he give any signs of hearing his statement. The Vulcan just continued to look at the menu.

"I also requested Uhura and Scotty," he continued.

Spock remained silent.

Kirk kept looking at him, and he knew he had that sparkle in his eyes that Bones often made fun of. He couldn't help it.

"They are valuable Starfleet members," Spock eventually said still not looking up. "It was a logical decision."

Kirk nodded.

Uhura and Scotty had been on his list right after Bones and, of course, Spock.

They ordered their food, and as they waited, the conversation continued. Kirk told Spock about how he was thinking about visiting his parents back in Iowa, and Spock talked about one of his students in his advanced computer science class-- a surprisingly young cadet called Pavel. Kirk made a mental note to look into him.

The conversation flowed easily and before Kirk knew it, they were done with their food.

Without overthinking it, Kirk reached into his pocket, grabbed the small metal badge, and plopped it on the table right in front of Spock.

They both stared at it for a moment.

"Commander--"

"Look," Kirk interrupted, "I know this is a big decision to make-- and frankly you might even think we haven't spent that much together. Heck, we have never even served on the same ship before! However, I cannot think of anyone else I would want to have by my side-- so what do you say?"

The badge caught the shine from the soft restaurant lights and reflected it back to them.

"You want me to be your science officer?" Spock said.

"Well, if you want that too, we can work on it, but-- Spock: would you do me the honor of being my first officer?"

Spock looked up at him.

Whenever they talked, Kirk had always prided himself on his ability to read Vulcan's microexpressions.

Spock's face was devoid of any expression.

Kirk felt a cold feeling settle inside him.

"No."

Chapter Text

"No luck?" Asked Bones as Jim hurried down the steps of Starfleet Academy to meet him.

Jim shook his head. "Apparently, he ended his class 10 minutes early," Kirk said. "I did look in his office and the labs, but Sulu told me he hadn't been there all day."

"So that's why you are late." Bones murmured under his breath. Kirk ignored him and began walking down the path to where their rented hovercar was parked.

It had been almost a week since Spock had excused himself early from their dinner after Kirk had made his offer. Kirk had let him go that night and did not make an effort to contact him the next day. He had wanted to give Spock space before they talked about it. He hadn't been too worried even with the quick and direct response the Vulcan had given him. It had been a big request, and Kirk knew better than anyone how daunting it could be to accept a new role.

He had told himself that it was fine-- that they would talk about it in a few days, and he would convince Spock to accept his offer.

However, two nights after, Spock had simply not shown up to their regularly scheduled chess game. Kirk had waited two hours for Spock that night, accompanied by an untouched pot of tea that grew ever tepid and an incense candle that slowly ate away at its wax. Kirk would have waited the whole night, but a tightness in his chest that he refused to call doubt had told him that his friend was not coming. He had swallowed the feeling and made another attempt to locate Spock the next day.

So far he had been unsuccessful.

Kirk and Bones arrived at the hovercar, and after a brief argument, which concluded with Bones stating that Kirk had the driving skills of a "blind mole" and pushing him forcefully away from the driver's seat, Kirk settled into the passenger seat.

Once on their way, the silence settled upon them once again.

There was a peculiar feeling building in his throat-- it felt as though something was stuck there pushing up into his nose, slightly blocking the air. It was uncomfortable, but he gave it no thought. His mind was elsewhere.

"I am still trying to figure out why he said no. It just doesn’t make sense," Kirk finally said a few minutes into their car ride.

"Why not?" said Bones. "I said no when you asked me to be your CMO."

"And yet here you are."

Bones pushed him lightly on the shoulder.

"But this is different, Bones," Kirk said. "I don't even have a clue as to why he said no, and unless I can actually figure that out I don't think I'll be able to convince him."

"Jim, I know you like those mystery novels," Bones said, "but do not treat this as a puzzle you need to solve as fast as possible. You need to give him time. Him avoiding you is a pretty big sign that you need to give him space."

"I do not have time, Bones!" he said. "The Enterprise is leaving in two months!"

"Please don't even remind me. But anyway, that's not what I meant. You cannot force this situation-- keep pushing as hard as you are and something is gonna break."

"I am not giving up."

The hovercar pulled up in front of the steps leading to the Starfleet Headquarters.

"You know what? You never listen. That is the last time I waste my good advice on you." Bones said, turning to look at him. "Also you are extremely late to what you told me yesterday was a 'very important meeting.'"

Kirk rushed past the Starfleet Headquarters lobby, toward the elevators. He really should not have spent that much time looking for Spock-- he could not afford to be late in front of the Admirals, especially not now.

The elevator arrived on his floor, and the doors opened to reveal an older man wearing command gold already inside. The man smiled politely at him. Kirk stepped inside.

"Where to?" The man said, grabbing the elevator handle.

"Conference room four," Kirk said.

The man's smile became slightly more genuine, and he gave the command to the computer.

"Seems like we are both late to the meeting," the man extended his hand towards Kirk. "Captain Ugalde, U.S.S. Defiant."

Kirk shook the man's hand, "James Kirk, U.S.S. Enterprise."

"Forgive me for asking-- it seems a lot of changes have happened while we were out in deep space," Ugalde said looking at Kirk curiously. "Are you Pike's first officer?"

Kirk attempted to keep a neutral expression on his face.

"I'm the new captain, actually," he corrected. "Captain Pike stepped down from the Enterprise a few months ago."

The man's smile fell from his face for a moment, before returning as something more robotic.

"You look awfully young to be a captain. You can’t be more than your late 30s.”

"I am not, but I don’t think my age is a relevant factor when it comes to my ability to command.”

“I see,” Ugalde said, and Kirk could see the dissatisfaction on his face even though he was still trying to hide it. “You are very lucky then. Not many people get a ship like the Enterprise for their first command.”

Kirk didn’t know how to reply to the man, but he was saved from any awkward silence by the computer signaling that they had arrived at their floor. The doors opened to reveal an open space with a few chairs scattered around and a doorway towards the far left that Kirk assumed was the conference room. A few admirals, captains, and first officers Kirk recognized were still lingering around, talking to each other, as they slowly moved in the direction of the doorway.

Ugalde stepped out of the elevator without acknowledging Kirk and made his way into the conference room.

Kirk was about to follow when he spotted a familiar figure among the dwindling crowd.

“Captain Pike!” Kirk said approaching the man. “I thought you were taking some time away from Starfleet.”

“I am, but I was around and they asked me to come,” Pike said, nodding to Kirk as a greeting.

“Sir, have you seen Spock?" Kirk asked.

Pike sighed, "Yes, I've seen him. He told me what happened."

"Did he tell you why he said no?" Kirk said, looking at Pike a bit more desperately than he intended.

"Look," Pike said, "I don't know why he said no, and even if I did, it would not be my place to tell you."

Kirk nodded. He hadn't really expected to gain any information from the former captain, but he felt restless. He turned to go towards the conference room when a hand on his shoulder stopped him.

"Kirk, just consider that maybe Spock just doesn't have the same goals as you. Some people are just content to stay in the position they are, even if it's earthbound."

Kirk looked at Pike in confusion, "Are we talking about the same Spock? Because I remember when he would not stop talking about that weird space anomaly that made us all sing. Or, how about when we were on Altari II and he was so fascinated by all the plants there that I spent my whole shore leave helping him carry samples back to the ship."

"I do remember, but some things change."

"Look I know something happened during the last few months of your mission--"

"That information is classified," Pike said, his usually friendly expression turning cold. "The meeting is about to start. We'd better get going."

The meeting was as boring as Kirk had expected it to be. Mostly, it had just consisted of April running through a few changes in regulations for any upcoming mission, some concerns the admirals had concerning the fraternization rules, and a few assignments for the earth-bound commanders.

For the most part, Kirk was only half listening, with the rest of his mental capacity being occupied by his previous train of thought. Near the end, however, April mentioned a piece of information that captured his attention.

Apparently, in the past few months, Starfleet intercepted signals believed to originate from the Romulan Empire. So far, the signals had not caused any damage, but Command had good reason to believe the Empire was trying to jam all Starfleet airway frequencies for communication.

“To counter this threat, Starfleet Command has been working on a full system update to protect us against this new threat,” April explained. “This update will begin in a few days, and we will begin by updating all our communications here at the HQ. This however means there will be a communications blackout that we believe will last about 45 minutes. More information will be given closer to the date. Any questions?"

A series of whispers erupted around the table; by the looks on the faces of the people around him, Kirk could tell that not many had known about the information.

The whole situation filled Kirk with unease.

"Why not do it by parts? Why risk a complete communications blackout?" Kirk asked.

The room went suddenly silent, but Kirk did not regret speaking up even with the dirty looks some of the admirals and Captain Ugalde were throwing his way.

"Well of course we thought about that," said an admiral he did not recognize further to his left. "We are moving some essential personnel to Starbase One to monitor any emergency communications. We frankly do not have the time to do the update section by section."

"Starbase One does not have the same long-range communication devices we have here," added a woman across the table whom Kirk recognized as the captain from the U.S.S. Clarke. "This would leave many ships without a way to contact Command in case of an emergency."

"All the ships will be informed of the update in a timely manner," the admiral continued, looking directly at Kirk as if to challenge him. "Besides, there is a reason why we always make sure that our commanding officers are the most capable and experienced."

Kirk held his head high and did not let the comment affect him. He knew well how the admirals saw him-- he had known it since he had become the youngest first officer in Starfleet history. They saw the legacy of George Kirk. They saw a kid trying to get out from a massive shadow cast by his progenitor. They saw someone with all his resources laid out in front of him. They did not, however, see the long sleepless nights spent studying, nor his aching ribs from so many away missions gone wrong. Most of all, they had not seen him fight. Jim had spent his whole life fighting-- be it when the hunger struck in Tarsus IV or when the cloud killed everyone onboard the Farragut. He had suffered unimaginable loss, broken bones, and a sense of doom but he had survived. Sometimes it had been just by the skin of his teeth and feeling less than human after it was all over, but he was still breathing and his will was intact.

Kirk had fought to be at that table. He needed to be here. He even told himself he deserved to be here.

Yet he remained quiet for the rest of the meeting.

Kirk was attempting to discreetly make his way to the elevator away from the mingling post-meeting crowd, when the same admiral from the meeting approached him followed by a woman he did not recognize.

The man introduced himself as Admiral Komack..

"I saw your request for a first officer," said Kormack. "To say the least it was interesting."

Kirk immediately disliked the direction the conversation was taking.

"Was it?" Kirk asked nonchalantly.

"Yes, I thought it was a joke at first- but that's beside the matter," Komack signaled to the woman beside him, who looked unhappy to be dragged into the conversation. "That is why I wanted to introduce you to Commander Cecil from the U.S.S. Clarke. She has been the XO there for quite a few years now. You know you would do well with a first officer like her. You want someone with experience, but most importantly, someone who can really connect with your crew."

"And you think my current choice is incapable of that?"

Kirk looked at the man with a challenge in his eyes. The admiral didn't flinch.

"Kirk there is a reason why there are no Vulcans in Starfleet, especially not in leadership positions."

Kirk didn't even acknowledge the comment. He turned on his heel and made his way to the elevator. He thought he heard someone calling after him, but he didn't care. He needed to get out.

The elevator dinged, and he got in without looking back. The doors closed behind him.

The horrible feeling was back in his throat, but this time it radiated to his chest. Everything felt so heavy, but at the same time, he felt like snow in the sun, slowly melting and crumbling.

Everything was a haze, but somehow, he made it outside the building. He went down the steps and began walking until he realized he did not know where he was going. He did not know what he was doing. His chest grew heavier, and all the air suddenly felt arid. Breathing burned his throat, but the lack of oxygen ignited a chill that traveled all around his body.

He did not feel in control of his own body, but his whole soul was fighting back to regain control.

He would not fail.

He could not fail.