Chapter Text
Kate glances over at her phone.
It’s buzzing against the dining table, but the call is from an unknown number. She considers letting it go to voicemail. It’s most likely some kind of scam about her nonexistent car warranty or one of those robocalls where there’s three seconds of silence and then a beep, which is ultimately harmless, but still a waste of time and also a huge annoyance.
Then, she thinks: What if it’s Clint?
She does have his actual phone number now—like, saved and everything, with an emoji next to it because she’s a good friend—but she also knows that Clint is in the habit of using burner phones from time to time, or if things get bad. Oh god, what if this is something bad? It could be I’m Hawkeye the coolest Avenger but I still need backup levels of bad.
Okay, okay. Be cool, Kate.
If it’s Clint, and it’s bad, then Kate’s going to need her bow. Because she obviously can’t take a potential distress call without it. She reaches across the couch to where it’s propped up, accidentally sending a half-empty bag of gummy bears tumbling to the floor. Whatever. Emergencies, and all that. It’s fine. Clearing her throat, Kate swipes to answer and lifts the phone to her ear. It could be a hostage situation. It could be an ambush. It could be the goddamn Tracksuit Mafia back and reformed and ready to cause trouble.
He could be calling her in for Avengers business.
“Hello?” answers Kate, trying very, very hard not to sound eager.
“Good afternoon,” says the bright, cheerful voice of a man that is most definitely not Clint Barton. “Do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior, Congressman Barnes?”
For a second, Kate thinks she’s misheard.
She pulls her phone away from her ear to stare at it, but the words don’t arrange themselves in any way that makes sense.
“…what?”
“Bucky Barnes!” says the unknown caller. “Everybody’s favorite sentinel. Centennial? Anyway, you might know him as our beloved congressman, or guy with the metal arm. He’s one of the heroes from the Howling Commandos, and also the Avengers, and also the New Avengers. But with a Z, because copyright. What you might not know is that Bucky is also Jesus Christ reborn.”
Kate frowns, puzzled. “I’m sorry, who is this?”
“I understand your hesitation,” says the caller, solemnly, undeterred. “But the signs are everywhere. Literal signs. You ever notice how his initials are JB? James Barnes. Jesus of Bethlehem. Coincidence? I don’t think so. Not to mention his miraculous hair.”
Kate blinks. “Okay, um—”
The voice steamrolls right over her. “I’m sure you’ve gotten a look at those princely locks on TV, and how could a look like that be anything but divine? The beard that arrives exactly when it’s needed most. A brother to Captain America, which is basically being a right-hand man to a modern messiah, but better because it comes with a vibranium arm. Vibranium is a metaphor for disciples in this analogy, by the way. But also not a metaphor, because it is also his literal arm. It’s still majestic though!”
“I think you might have—”
“Might have witnessed the truth? Yes, I have. And I know, I know, it’s a lot to take it at once. I get it, really. I do. It can be overwhelming. The mortal mind isn’t meant to comprehend such perfection. But our divine Congressman, the saintly Bucky Barnes works in mysterious ways. Like how he always shows up at exactly the last possible second in a fight, with his hair perfectly tousled. Watch the footage. It’s glowing in the sunlight. You know what that means? Miracles. Divinity. Good looks.”
“I don’t think—”
“It’s all right there in the Book of Bucky. Chapter three, verse ten: And there! Congressman Barnes rose again, like a phoenix, but even cooler, because he’s awesome like that, and the wicked Hydra wept at his vengeance. It’s beautiful stuff, really. There’s, like, nineteen hundred and seventeen chapters all on him and his good work. He can offer you miracles too! You just need to open your mind and accept him into your heart.”
Her mouth stumbles over the phrases what the fuck and oh god.
She ends up saying, “What the god—”
“Yes!” the voice says triumphantly, and Kate thinks she can physically feel braincells dying in time with each word this guy is inflicting on her. She lets out a faint, strangled noise, somewhere between a sigh and a whimper, and sinks back down onto her couch, setting her bow aside like even it deserves a break from this madness. “Now you’re getting it! You feel it, don’t you? The soldier’s light moving through you! Praise be to Bucky, long may his hair reign!”
“Listen,” Kate says, finally getting a word past this weirdo’s ramblings. “I don’t know who you are, or what your deal is. But if you’re currently, like, coked out of your mind, there is help. Call someone, just not me. I have no idea how to help you, man.”
“Oh, I’m not coked out,” says the crazy, definitely coked out guy. “Not right now at least. Been before, don’t wanna do that again. Say, have you ever seen a sign-spinning chicken? Wasn’t coked out then, but I was on meth—”
Kate hangs up.
Later...
YELENA: 🙏🙏🙏
KATE: ???
YELENA: praise be to bucky
KATE: WAIT
KATE: WAS THAT YOU????
YELENA: maybe. maybe not.
KATE: IF IT WAS YOU, I’M OFFENDED
KATE: LIKE, DEEPLY
YELENA: what about spiritually?
KATE: YES SPIRITUALLY
KATE: EMOTIONALLY
KATE: EXISTENTIALLY
YELENA: good good
KATE: yelena wtf wAS THAT
YELENA: enlightenment
KATE: who was i talking to
YELENA: bob
KATE: WHO IS BOB
YELENA: wouldn’t you like to know :)
KATE: i literally JUST asked
KATE: TELL ME
YELENA: mmm no
YELENA: mystery is good for your soul
KATE: I HATE THIS
YELENA: soldier’s light be with you 🙏
KATE: i’m blocking you >:(
YELENA: you are no fun kate bishop
KATE: i can be plenty fun!!!
KATE: also i’m never answering unknown numbers again
YELENA: coward
KATE: 😤😤😤
Even later...
KATE: hey clint
KATE: random question
KATE: does yelena have your number saved
KATE: bc if not
KATE: >:)
CLINT 😎🏹: …?
Notes:
bob is a MAJOR fan over bucky’s new hair <33
also the numbers of chapters/verse mentioned are bucky’s birthdate
Chapter 2: sam wilson
Summary:
“Besides,” Bucky continues. “I don’t think Walker likes you like that.”
Sam stops dead. “…what?”
“That was John,” Bucky says, amusement plain in his voice. “The team was bored.”
In which Sam receives a confusing call from an unknown number.
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Sam glances over when his phone buzzes.
It’s an unknown number. Normally Sam would let it ring out, but Bucky’s got a habit of calling from whatever random phone is closest when his own dies or gets “misplaced,” because of course he’s one of those people who still memorizes numbers like the old schooler that he is. It’s easier to just pick up than ignore him and risk the man showing up at his doorstep with sad eyes and the impression Sam was “ignoring him.”
“Hello, this is Sam Wilson.”
The reply is not Bucky Barnes. “Hey sugar, I gotta couple ques’ions ‘bout the other night, you gotta minute?”
Sam blinks. That’s—hell, that’s some stranger with a drawl so thick it sounds like it’s been marinated in bourbon and barbecue. “Uh,” His mouth goes dry, words catching halfway up his throat. “I’m sorry, I don’t know who you are—”
“Aw, baby, don’t get al’ bashful now. I just wanna know if I left my sweater in yer room, can’ fin’ it here so I assume it’s still with you, can I stop by in a few?”
His brain skips a track. What the hell—?
Sam can feel heat creeping up his neck, a reflex, because the casualness of it, the intimate confidence, it’s like the man on the other end has a script that cuts right through his composure. And Sam Wilson does not fluster easy. Except apparently he does. “I think you got the wrong number, sir—”
“Now Sam,” and holy hell, this guy knows his name, what the fuck, “is you tryin’ say I gotta bad memory? Cause I sure as hell remember the way you—”
Sam disconnects so fast he nearly sprains his thumb.
The silence after rings louder than the call itself.
Later…
“I just got the weirdest call earlier.”
Bucky’s voice comes flat and curious. “Yeah?”
“Yeah,” Sam says. “This guy rings me up, thick southern accent, and starts talking about some night we supposedly shared, and I think it’s a wrong number except he mentions me by name. I hung up before he got real descriptive, but it sounded like he was about to—”
There’s a snort on the other end of the line.
“Is this funny to you, Buck?”
“Little bit,” is his response.
Sam huffs at amusement in his words. “I’m serious, Bucky. I don’t know this guy, I don’t know why he has my number, and now I’m just sitting here—thinking someone out there is fantasizing about me, and it’s not even real! It’s—ugh, it’s disturbing.”
“Mm. Sounds…complicated.”
“Complicated? Complicated doesn’t cover being hit on by some southern stranger calling you sugar. Complicated doesn’t cover—”
“Besides, I don’t think Walker likes you like that.”
Sam stops dead. “…what?”
“That was John,” Bucky continues, casual. “The team was bored.”
“Bored?” Sam throws his free hand up, pacing a circle around the room like he could stomp the absurdity out of the floor. “John Walker is prank-calling pretending we had some—” he sputters, brain unable to decide which word is safe to use, “—night together out of boredom?”
“In my defense,” says Bucky. “I didn’t know he was going to do that when I gave him your number.”
“I swear to—you gave him my number?”
“My bad,” Bucky says, not sounding particularly apologetic.
“Unbelievable. Absolutely unbelievable.”
Bucky’s laughter carries faintly as Sam hangs up.
Notes:
alt summary: in which sam gets a reminder that bucky is not, in fact, the Responsible AdultTM among the thunderbolts.
bucky is 100% a secret menace and an enabler of the team's shenanigans lol
Chapter 3: hank pym
Summary:
“Hello, Dr Pym,” says an eager saleswoman on the other end of the line. “We’re very excited to announce Stark’s Quantum-Compatible Coffee Brewer, guaranteed to revolutionize your mornings!”
Hank snaps, “What made you think I care—?”
In which Hank gets an aggravating call from an unknown number.
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Hank Pym is not the type to get phone calls.
So, when his phone rings, Hank figures that if anyone’s calling, it must be important. Or maybe just Scott accidentally locking himself inside the lab, or Hope asking where he put the spare set of car keys, or Janet checking in to make sure he hasn’t blown himself up yet, or—well. Just those three, really.He wipes his hands on a rag, then checks the screen: unknown. Figures.
Still, Hank answers, “Hello? This is Hank Pym.”
“Good afternoon, Doctor Pym!” says a woman on the other end, too eager, “I’m calling to tell you about the latest updates in Stark Tech—”
His blood pressure spikes so fast Hank can feel it in his teeth. Stark Tech. Of course. He can’t go a damn day without that name crawling back into his life like mold. Howard Stark’s ghost, Tony Stark’s legacy, always one step ahead, always in his way. Even when they’re both long dead, it’s still Stark, Stark, Stark. Like he hasn’t spent decades outpacing them, being ignored, watching his work get buried under their shiny toys and cheap theatrics. Like the world doesn’t still think Stark when they think genius, when they’d never accomplished the kinds of things he has.
The saleswoman continues, “We’re very excited to announce Stark’s Quantum-Compatible Coffee Brewer, guaranteed to revolutionize your mornings—”
“That’s not a thing.”
“—as well as our Stark Smart Socks,” she continues, talking over him, talking at him, as though rattling off ‘Stark’ before her buzzwords and garbage gadgets will keep him from hanging up, “with quantum repulsor charge for eco-friendly walking power—”
“I’m not interested.”
“—and of course, the newly upgraded Arc-Toaster, which utilizes miniaturized quantum reactor technology for perfect toast every time—”
“Are you kidding me?”
“—plus, for a limited time, you can pre-order Stark’s latest drone-assisted quantum laundry folding system, the Iron Maid!”
He’s seething now, jaw tight, knuckles white around the phone. He doesn’t even process the absurdity of what she’s saying—coffee brewers, socks, toasters—it all blurs together under the same cursed banner: Stark.
“You listen to me,” Hank growls, cutting her off mid-pitch. “I don’t care about Stark’s socks, or his toys, or his toasters. Stark is dead. Both of them. You understand me? Dead. Long gone. Yet I can’t go five minutes without one of you vultures circling me with the next miracle product slapped with that damn name. Do you people enjoy torturing me?”
“You sound stressed,” says the saleswoman, “Luckily Stark Tech has a new and innovative Iron Man Relaxation line with quantum—”
Hank snaps, “I don’t give a shit what’s ‘new’ or ‘innovative’ over there, because it’s the same damn circus tricks it’s always been, just with a different clown at the wheel. And if you’re smart, you’ll take me off whatever damn list you’ve got me on, because I don’t need one more reminder that apparently even death isn’t enough to shut the Starks up.”
“Sorry, but Stark Tech doesn’t do unsubscriptions.”
Hank is already winding himself up, breath pulling tight in his chest, ready to unleash the kind of tirade that could melt circuitry. The phone feels hot in his hand, like it deserves to be hurled across the room just for carrying the insult of Stark’s name one second longer. “What the fuck do you mean you don’t do unsubscriptions, you—”
Janet plucks the phone from his hand before Hank can finish. She smiles at him in quiet amusement, before speaking into the phone, “Thank you, but we’re not interested. Have a nice day,” and hangs up before the saleswoman can respond.
Hank huffs. “Good day my ass.”
Notes:
ava, telling the vault squad how to most effectively ragebait pym: mention stark a LOT, add ‘quantum’ in front of every word, ignore everything he says-
Chapter 4: iv. scott lang
Summary:
“Congratulations!” the voice bursts through, loud and cheery. “You’ve been selected to win a brand new car!”
“No way,” Scott breathes. “I never win anything!”
In which Scott gets an exciting call from an unknown number.
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Scott’s phone buzzes across the counter.
He’s got a few people it might be from—Cassie, or Hope, or Maggie, and occasionally Hank, but when he checks, it isn’t any one of them. Unknown number. Scott knows it could be a scam, sure, but—he’s an optimist. Sometimes good things do happen.
Scott answers, “Hello?”
“Congratulations, Scott!” says a loud and cheery voice. “You’ve been selected to win a brand new car!”
“I have?”
“Are you Scott Lang? If so, then yes!”
“Woah,” he breathes, already pacing the room, excitement rising in his chest. A car. A new car. “This is—wow, this is incredible. I never win anything. I mean, unless you count time in prison, but that’s more of a consolation prize, right? A car. Oh man, Cassie’s gonna flip. What kind of car is it? Do I have to be present for the drawing? Should I sit down?”
“The drawing’s already been done, and it’s already yours!” says the man, voice as chipper as Scott is currently feeling. “We’re talking top-of-the-line vehicles in any color you want! And all you have to do to secure it is confirm your details for our prize team.”
“Okay, um, hang on,” Scott nearly stumbles into the counter, grinning like a fool. “Yeah, sure, I can confirm my details. Whatever you need. Just tell me where to sign. I mean, is there a form, or—?”
“Credit card information works. We gotta get everything verified and all that before anything’s processed,” says the man. “It’s, uh, logistics, you know?”
“Ahh, logistics. Yeah, I get that. There’s always logistics,” Scott nods, already fishing out his wallet. It makes sense; of course they need to confirm he’s really him. “You’d think, in the modern age, we could skip all the paperwork, right? Just push a button, boop, car in the driveway. But nooo, it’s always forms, signatures, background checks. Red tape everywhere. I mean, hey, I get it, it’s important to be thorough, but wow, is it exhausting. Good thing you guys are making it easy with the card thing.” Scott flips the card in his hand, squinting at the numbers. “So do I read these out one at a time, or…?”
“That would be perfect, yeah.”
Scott is just about to read them out when—
“Scott,” Hope says.
Scott startles so hard he nearly drops his wallet. She’s right there, arms folded, eyes narrowed in that way that could strip paint off a wall. “Oh hey, Hope,” he says, card halfway raised. “Guess what? We won a—”
Hope strides forward, snatches the phone out of his hand before he can get another word out. “We’re not interested,” she says flatly, and ends the call with a sharp press of her thumb.
The line clicks dead.
“But the car,” Scott says weakly. “I wanted to gift it to Cassie…”
Hope hands his phone back, giving him that look that lands somewhere between exasperation and affection. “It wasn’t real, Scott. It was a scam.”
Scott slumps into a chair. “It could’ve been real.”
“It wasn’t,” she says firmly. “You were about to hand over your credit card number to a stranger who promised you a car over the phone.”
“Okay,” Scott huffs, conceding. “Maybe this time it was a scam—but sometimes good things do happen, you know? People win prizes! There are contests! There are sweepstakes! There’s no reason it couldn’t have been real.”
Hope sighs, and mutters, “Unbelievable.”
Scott can agree that he might have gotten a little too excited at the prospect of getting Cassie a new car, and god, she was almost twenty-one now! She’s growing up so fast. But now that the moment has passed and no harm was done, he figures he might as well double-down for the sake of it. Hope looks more fond than exasperated now, so Scott playfully insists, “I’m serious, Hope!”
“No,” Hope says, but her stern expression cracks.
“C’mon,” Scott leans forward, animated now. “No need to be so pessimistic! Who’s to say the universe couldn’t throw me a car? You gotta have a little faith.”
Hope shakes her head, smiling now. “You’re ridiculous.”
“Ridiculously lucky?” Scott hedges.
Hope counters, “Ridiculously gullible.”
“Ouch,” Scott gasps, hand to his chest like she just stabbed him. “Right here, Hope. You wound me.”
She laughs despite herself, shaking her head as she turns away. “You’re lucky I love you.”
Scott calls after her, triumphant. “See? Lucky!”
Notes:
scott loving cassie <33
scott loving hope <33
scott <333
Mischevious_Oddity on Chapter 1 Fri 06 Jun 2025 05:33AM UTC
Comment Actions
TumblingBackpacks on Chapter 1 Fri 06 Jun 2025 11:39AM UTC
Comment Actions
Mischevious_Oddity on Chapter 1 Fri 06 Jun 2025 11:53AM UTC
Comment Actions
TumblingBackpacks on Chapter 1 Fri 06 Jun 2025 12:01PM UTC
Comment Actions
TheSunflowersQueen on Chapter 1 Fri 06 Jun 2025 05:57AM UTC
Comment Actions
TumblingBackpacks on Chapter 1 Fri 06 Jun 2025 11:34AM UTC
Comment Actions
ArtemisVikaCrockChase on Chapter 1 Fri 06 Jun 2025 07:19AM UTC
Comment Actions
TumblingBackpacks on Chapter 1 Fri 06 Jun 2025 11:35AM UTC
Comment Actions
HeIIoCupcake_12 on Chapter 1 Mon 09 Jun 2025 08:58AM UTC
Comment Actions
TumblingBackpacks on Chapter 1 Mon 09 Jun 2025 09:30AM UTC
Comment Actions
the_crownless_queen on Chapter 1 Wed 11 Jun 2025 04:37PM UTC
Comment Actions
TumblingBackpacks on Chapter 1 Wed 11 Jun 2025 06:09PM UTC
Comment Actions
virid1s on Chapter 1 Tue 17 Jun 2025 04:04PM UTC
Comment Actions
TumblingBackpacks on Chapter 1 Wed 18 Jun 2025 02:49AM UTC
Comment Actions
_Insert cool name here_ (AliceTwin2) on Chapter 1 Sat 06 Sep 2025 11:40PM UTC
Comment Actions
TumblingBackpacks on Chapter 1 Sun 07 Sep 2025 01:16AM UTC
Comment Actions
buggyberries on Chapter 1 Sun 14 Sep 2025 08:17AM UTC
Comment Actions
TumblingBackpacks on Chapter 1 Sun 14 Sep 2025 09:00AM UTC
Comment Actions
Everybody__Dies on Chapter 1 Mon 15 Sep 2025 03:36AM UTC
Comment Actions
TumblingBackpacks on Chapter 1 Mon 15 Sep 2025 03:51PM UTC
Comment Actions
rainyrefrain03 on Chapter 1 Tue 07 Oct 2025 10:22PM UTC
Comment Actions
TumblingBackpacks on Chapter 1 Wed 08 Oct 2025 05:50AM UTC
Comment Actions
aro_aro on Chapter 2 Sun 07 Sep 2025 05:40AM UTC
Comment Actions
TumblingBackpacks on Chapter 2 Mon 08 Sep 2025 01:37AM UTC
Comment Actions
TumblingBackpacks on Chapter 2 Thu 11 Sep 2025 12:08AM UTC
Comment Actions
Mischevious_Oddity on Chapter 2 Sun 07 Sep 2025 09:37PM UTC
Comment Actions
TumblingBackpacks on Chapter 2 Mon 08 Sep 2025 01:25AM UTC
Comment Actions
TheSunflowersQueen on Chapter 2 Mon 08 Sep 2025 06:21AM UTC
Comment Actions
TumblingBackpacks on Chapter 2 Mon 08 Sep 2025 07:06AM UTC
Comment Actions
onyourleft_3 on Chapter 2 Wed 10 Sep 2025 08:53PM UTC
Comment Actions
onyourleft_3 on Chapter 2 Wed 10 Sep 2025 08:54PM UTC
Comment Actions
TumblingBackpacks on Chapter 2 Wed 10 Sep 2025 11:50PM UTC
Comment Actions
onyourleft_3 on Chapter 3 Thu 11 Sep 2025 12:54AM UTC
Comment Actions
TumblingBackpacks on Chapter 3 Fri 12 Sep 2025 05:18AM UTC
Comment Actions
aro_aro on Chapter 3 Thu 11 Sep 2025 03:51AM UTC
Comment Actions
TumblingBackpacks on Chapter 3 Fri 12 Sep 2025 05:18AM UTC
Comment Actions
TheSunflowersQueen on Chapter 3 Tue 16 Sep 2025 09:33PM UTC
Comment Actions
TumblingBackpacks on Chapter 3 Tue 16 Sep 2025 10:03PM UTC
Comment Actions
TheSunflowersQueen on Chapter 3 Tue 16 Sep 2025 10:09PM UTC
Comment Actions
onyourleft_3 on Chapter 4 Sat 13 Sep 2025 08:00PM UTC
Comment Actions
TumblingBackpacks on Chapter 4 Sun 14 Sep 2025 09:02AM UTC
Comment Actions
TheSunflowersQueen on Chapter 4 Sun 14 Sep 2025 10:27PM UTC
Comment Actions
TumblingBackpacks on Chapter 4 Mon 15 Sep 2025 03:50PM UTC
Comment Actions
TheSunflowersQueen on Chapter 4 Mon 15 Sep 2025 04:53PM UTC
Comment Actions
TumblingBackpacks on Chapter 4 Mon 15 Sep 2025 05:15PM UTC
Comment Actions
TheSunflowersQueen on Chapter 4 Tue 16 Sep 2025 04:37PM UTC
Comment Actions