Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Sometime 2020

Emily settles in on the couch across from Tara, her greying hair up in a loose bun, the bangs she is working to grow out framing her face. She hands her friend her refilled whiskey glass, the ice cube clinking against the side. 

Tara lifts it in thanks before taking a sip. She closes her already glassy eyes as she savors the liquor, one that Emily had said was a gift from Rossi. 

“So, have you and Andrew found a place yet?” Tara asks and sinks deeper into the couch across from her boss. 

Emily sighs, her age showing on her face for only the briefest of seconds. “No, it is taking longer than I was hoping it would. And now with this promotion…it’s just difficult.” The recently promoted section chief bemoans. “Part of me is hoping that he might want to move back to the district when Keely starts college.”

“Well, he could surprise you.” Tara takes another sip of her drink as silence falls over the room, her mind working faster than her filter can. “I mean, you surprised all of us when you started dating him.”

“Whadduyu mean?” Emily puzzles, her words jumbling together. 

“Just that we all thought that you’re a lesbian.”

“What? I’m not a lesbian.”

“Yeah, obviously, we know that now. You know, it is weird, because I’m usually good at picking other bisexuals out of the crowd, but you had me fooled until you started dating Andrew.”

“Tara,” Emily stares at her friend. “I’m not gay. I don’t like women. Why do you think I do? And who is we ?”

Tara blanches for a second before deciding she’s already dug the hole deep enough. “ We as in the team. And I don’t know, just your vibe. Like look at how you’re sitting, straight women don’t sit like that usually.” 

Emily looks down at her lap, one leg bent and leaning up against the back of the couch and the other leg stretched out, her legs spread wide apart. She frowns at her stance, wondering what’s gay about it. 

Tara continues. “Also you know, you never dated anyone that we knew of before Andrew.”

“I dated Mark!”

Tara chuckles. “We thought he was made up.”

Emily’s eyes widen in bewilderment. “Why would I have made up a fake boyfriend?”

Tara shrugs. “I don’t fully remember all the different theories. I think the prominent one was so that no one would be worried about how you were adjusting to London. But yeah, I mean we never met him and you never talked about him. And so anytime we mentioned him, it was just to poke fun at your lie. Especially since you seemed so disinterested in him anytime you did answer questions about him.”

“So everyone just thought I was a pathetic loner lying about my boyfriend? This whole time!”

“It wasn’t so much of a pathetic thing as it was like a dismissive thing. And it wasn’t everyone, as far as I know. We never talk about this stuff around JJ for obvious reasons.”

“What do you mean you can’t talk about this around JJ?”

Tara bites her lip. “Nope, I’ve said too much. I’m stopping this conversation.”

Emily narrows her eyes. “You don’t get to do that. You don’t get to tell me that everyone has thought I’m a lesbian for over a decade and not elaborate. Why didn’t anyone ever ask me?”

Tara stares at her boss before eventually relenting. “Fine, I’ll tell you what I know. God, I didn’t realize I was so easy to break. Spencer never asked cause he said ‘I’m not in the habit of asking questions I already know the answer to.’ Though I don’t think he was fully sold until he saw you with your friend who was his lawyer. He told me that the tension between the two of you was so palpable that even he noticed it.”

“Fiona?!”

“Yes,” Tara snaps her fingers. “Yep, that’s her name. Luke said it is clear in the way you stand. I think I remember Derek making a joke about how he would’ve dated you if you like men. I don’t think Matt ever really said why he thinks you are. And Rossi said that you basically came out to him years ago.”

Emily takes a second to register this information. How does she stand that is so gay? And she hadn’t even considered dating Derek, but given Andrew and Mark, he is her type she supposes. And Rossi… “How did I essentially come out to Dave?”

“I wondered about that myself. He didn’t give us any details. Just said that it was during a case where one of your close friends died. I always assumed it was like an old girlfriend.”

The section chief racks her brain. It had to have been after Matthew’s death. But what had she told Rossi? She told him about Rome and… “Fuck!”

“What?”

“I know what I told Dave. Goddammit.” Emily pinches the bridge of her nose. “I told him about how at fifteen I was willing to do anything to fit in and I ended up getting pregnant.”

Tara is about to laugh when she notices the shift in her friend’s energy. “And he thought you meant that you slept with a guy to prove that you’re straight, because why else would having sex with someone help you fit in?” Emily nods, her eyes far away, as if back in Rome. “But that’s not what you meant.” Tara doesn’t ask, she doesn’t want to pry. Clearly, her friend is lost in a hard memory. 

Tears spring in Emily’s eyes. Almost forty years later, and she still can’t think about what happened without crying. “No, no it’s not. But it’s probably better that he thought that.” Emily laughs sadly and wipes her eyes. “God, and here I thought being attracted to women was what made a lesbian.”

“Well, some might argue that it is actually the lack of an attraction to men that makes a lesbian.” Tara jokes, hoping to pull her friend back to the present. 

Emily muses this for a minute. “I mean, like, define attraction. Cause obviously women are beautiful, and just more visually appealing than men. But that’s just a fact. Everyone can appreciate the female form.” The section chief takes a sip of her whiskey, pondering the concept. 

Tara narrows her eyes at her friend. “I guess…but like what attracted you to Mark or Andrew?”

Emily snaps out of her thoughts. “Oh, I don’t know. They seemed kind and dependable. Nice eyes. And they were attracted to me.”

“Okay, but like what made you want to jump their bones?”

“What?” Emily splutters, dribbling some whiskey down her chin. 

“Oh, come on Em, don’t pretend to be a virgin with me. What turned you on with them? What made you want to sleep with them?”

Emily feels her face burn as it flushes. “I don’t, I mean, I don’t know. We had sex when they wanted to have sex. I don’t think I ever wanted to jump their bones or whatever.”

Tara stares at her friend more intently. “You’re telling me that you’ve never initiated sex with your partners? That’s insane. Do you just not have a sex drive?”

“Okay, I don’t think we need to go this far.” The section chief tries to rein it in but relents under the dark brown eyes boring into her soul. “Fine. Yes I have a sex drive, I just don’t pay much attention to it or I’ll take care of things myself. And I did initiate sex with Andrew once. It was his birthday and we were celebrating.”

“Okay, but that’s still not you doing it cause you feel the heat. You did it because it was his birthday. I mean, Em, it doesn’t sound like you’re all that attracted to men.” Tara tries to be gentle, but the alcohol is not helping. 

Emily’s brow furrows deeper. She thinks back to all of her previous relationships looking for a spark. There had been something with Doyle but that was mostly the excitement from the risk of it all; and it had been Lauren anyway, not her. “Fuck. Am I not attracted to men?”

Tara grimaces. “This was not supposed to be a couch therapy session tonight. Fuck, I’m sorry. But hey, it’s fine if you aren’t. It doesn’t mean you’re gay, you could be ace or aro. And this isn’t something you just fully come to terms with overnight. Fuck, I really didn’t mean for this to happen.”

Emily laughs nervously. “But like I can’t be gay. That’s not allowed. It’s not, I mean, I don’t…is the room spinning for you?” Her breaths become shorter as she tries to process everything. Before she can fully spiral, the brunette is pulled back by her phone ringing on the coffee table. She picks it up and immediately drops it in her lap. 

“What? Is it work? Cause we were supposed to have tonight off and we can’t exactly show up tipsy.” Tara asks, squeezing Emily’s hand to help ground her. 

“Worse.” Emily sighs. “It’s Andrew.”

“You don’t have to answer it or if you do, you don’t have to say or do anything right now. You’re still processing everything, we’ve been drinking, this isn’t the time for big life things.”

The section chief bites her lip. “I’ll be right back.” Emily grabs her phone and calls Andrew back, walking back into her bedroom and shutting the door for privacy. 

Tara throws her head back, wincing when it connects with the frame of the couch. “For fuck’s sake.” She mumbles to herself. It had not been her goal of the night to cause her friend to question her sexuality, but here she is. And she knows full well that you aren’t supposed to tell someone if they are gay, but apparently that knowledge didn’t help her after a few drinks of top shelf whiskey. But then, how was she supposed to know that Emily isn’t out to herself? Tara huffs and grabs her phone. She is going to have to do a lot of damage control tonight and might need to call in support. She almost presses “call” on Penelope’s contact before stopping herself. Emily is already starting to spiral and probably won’t appreciate an audience. Tara is just going to have to do this alone, only fitting as she got herself into this mess. To distract herself, Tara works through the New York Times daily games; she is almost through with the mini crossword by the time Emily comes back out of her bedroom. 

Emily shuffles into the living room with her head down. She wants nothing more than to yell at Tara to get the hell out of her house and leave her and her personal life alone. Or maybe she wants to crawl into her friend’s lap and cry until the world stops shifting under her feet and she feels like everything might be alright again. Emily chooses option C, not having the energy to be that vulnerable, even if it is just in front of one of her closest friends. She retakes her seat on the couch, but curls her legs under herself. “How quickly did you get the wordle today?”

“It took me all six attempts. But only because I made a typo on the fifth guess and it turned out to actually be a word.” Tara huffs and puts her phone down. “How’d the call go?” She asks gently. 

Emily grabs her glass and drains it in one gulp. “We broke up.” She shrugs and moves to refill her glass but is stopped by Tara grabbing her arm. 

“What? Em, are you sure that’s what you want to do?” 

Emily brushes her friend off of her and beelines for the kitchen. “It doesn’t matter anyway, we probably would never have worked out. He’s better off without me and we live on opposite sides of the country.” She grabs the whiskey bottle and brings it back into the living room with her. “And it’s not like I broke up with him because I’m gay, which I’m not. The writing has been on the wall for a while now. Really, we should’ve said goodbye when he moved in the first place. And it’s like we were talking about earlier, I never really felt that spark.”

Tara stares at her friend, her eyebrows furrowed deeply. “Okay, I mean if you’re sure…Are you sure?”

“Yes! I’ll meet the right guy someday, until then, I’m happily married to my job.” Emily sips her whiskey and tries to not choke on her words. She knows that she can’t be gay, that it isn’t right. Not that it’s wrong for others, of course; but for her, well it just wouldn’t look right. She thinks about what her mother might say and almost laughs at the image in her mind before remembering that she hasn’t spoken to her mother in years. 

“What are you thinking about?” 

“The ambassador.”

Tara’s nose wrinkles at her answer. “You’re mother? Why are you thinking about her?”

Emily stares off at the corner of the room, to the bookshelf that had once stood in her childhood bedroom. “Do you know the last time I spoke to her, it was 8 months before I died?” Emily lets out a hollow laugh. “I asked once, if she’d said anything particularly touching at my funeral.”

“Did she?” Tara asks warily, already knowing that she’s not going to like the answer. 

Emily just laughs, the sound empty and devoid of feeling, almost mechanical. “She didn’t even go. I don’t even want to think about what could’ve been more important on her schedule, a pedicure possibly, or a teeth cleaning. I mean, you’d think she’d want a final goodbye to her only child.”

“Does she even know you’re alive?” The question is out of Tara’s mouth before she realizes she is speaking. 

“She must, with how often our team is in the news. And I’ve run into friends of hers. But she’s never reached out; and I, well, I’m pretty sure the part of me that was her daughter wasn’t resuscitated with the rest of me.” Emily shakes her head. “Hey, maybe the part of me that feels desire stayed dead too.” Emily swirls her glass around, wondering if all of her actually died in that warehouse, with only her physical body remaining alive.

Tara sets her glass down on the table. Her head is swimming, both from the alcohol and all the emotions she feels, and the only thing she can think about is comforting her friend. She reaches over and pulls the tumbler from Emily’s hand, setting it next to her own before pulling her friend into her lap. Emily’s legs swing out and she finds herself straddling the other woman. Tara keeps pulling her boss into her, until the shorter woman is tucked against her chest. The forensic psychologist rocks the both of them, hoping her embrace transmits her love and support for the section chief. 

After a few minutes, Emily leans back and grips Tara’s muscular arms. “Tara…” she starts to speak but loses her words as she meets her friend’s earnest eyes. 

Without letting herself think about it, Tara leans forward, pressing her lips into Emily’s, as her hands find the other woman’s cheeks. They lose themselves in the other for a few minutes until they need to break for air. 

Emily pulls back slightly, her face still inches away from Tara’s, her nose brushing against the other’s cheek. Her entire body feels alive, raw energy shooting up and down her spine, right from her brain to her core. Nothing has ever felt like this before, no kiss or caress. Her brain can barely process what she felt before Tara is kissing her again. Tara, whose lips feel so soft, no stubble scratching her face, and strong hands hold her so carefully. Tara, who she trusts more than almost anyone in the world. Tara, her closest friend and colleague. Emily’s brain scratches…not her colleague, her subordinate, a woman. 

Suddenly, the raw energy she had been feeling turns to pure anxiety. What is she doing? Emily pulls away so abruptly that she almost falls to the floor. She regains her balance and stands, quickly moving to the armchair across the room. 

It takes Tara a minute to realize what happened, her brain fuzzy from more than just the alcohol. Her face falls as she realizes what she’s done. She kissed Emily, her crush since forever…Emily, her “straight” (though Tara is skeptical of that), hot, boss…fucking hell. 

“Emily,” Tara’s voice cracks. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to, and I don’t know what came over me, usually I’m much more…” 

Tara’s rambling fades out as Emily takes everything in. Surely, she won’t have to report this, it happened once, Tara had initiated, and it was outside of work; but what will it look like if someone finds out? Emily waves away her friend’s apologies as she processes. 

“Tara, it’s fine…well, it’s not fine but it’s okay, or you know, whatever. It can’t happen again.” Emily is sitting ramrod straight in her chair. 

If Tara hears the twinge of regret in Emily’s voice, she ignores it. “No, of course. Again, I’m so sorry.”

“Really, it’s okay, but it is getting late. Do you want me to call you an uber?” Usually Tara would just spend the night at Emily’s, but neither of them seem compelled for that to happen. 

“No, no. I’m good. Thanks.” Tara stands up, still for a minute before locating her bag. Emily follows her to the door and locks it behind her with a muttered farewell. 

The section chief flops on her bed, mind racing with the night’s events. She might’ve denied her sexuality earlier out loud, but she can’t deny the thrum of excitement and desire she felt when Tara’s lips were on hers. God, what is she going to do?

——————————-

Emily paces around her apartment waiting for her friend to answer the damn phone. JJ should be home from work by now, her hours in NOLA much shorter and more routine than they had been at the BAU. The brunette runs her hand through her hair; she has been spiraling since her breakup with Andrew. First, she had denied the whole thing, blaming everything on the alcohol; because she just couldn’t believe that she could possibly be gay. Then came the dreams: scenes of her with some faceless woman, wrapped in sheets and sweating with pleasure; and Emily couldn’t deny to herself that she has never had dreams like that about a man. Finally, she decided that she had to see for herself. She went to a local lesbian bar, met someone who was probably too young for her if she had been looking for something real, and quite honestly, had the time of her life. Being with a woman made her feel things that she had only read about in books; it made her understand all the poets and their all consuming desires. But even that didn’t compare to how Tara’s kiss had made her feel. 

JJ picks up the phone on the fifth ring. “Jareau.” Emily can hear the ambient sounds of the road and she knows the blonde must’ve just left work; which is good for her, less listening walls. 

“I’d think after all these years I’d get a more relaxed greeting after you quit.” Emily teases, knowing her friend probably didn’t even glance at the phone as she picked up. 

“Emily!” JJ chirps excitedly. “I’m sorry, I picked up through my car, I didn’t even look at the number. How are you? I miss you!”

“I miss you too.” Emily breathes out, knowing that if the blonde was still here they would be curled up on her couch with a bottle of wine. “I need to talk to you, it’s important.”

JJ almost brakes at the seriousness in her friend's voice. “Of course, Em. You know you can tell me anything. What’s going on? I haven’t heard you like this in a while.”

The softness in JJ’s voice is enough to break Emily, who barely contains a sob. Her whole life feels like it is falling out beneath her, and she honestly feels quite ridiculous for that at her age. “I’m not really sure how to say this, I mean it’s so unexpected.”

“You’re not pregnant are you?!” JJ almost yells in surprise, while not impossible, it would certainly count as completely unexpected. 

“God no!” Emily all but shouts back, a surprised chuckle breaking through despite her previous tears. “Could you imagine? Oh, don’t put that out there.”

“Good, good.” The blonde laughs at her own assumption. “Not that you wouldn’t be a great mom, but, I would not want to be pregnant at my age now, let alone…” JJ lets her sentence trail off, knowing she doesn’t have to completely finish her thought. “But anyway, you can just say whatever it is that’s on your mind, even if it isn’t worded eloquently. It’s just me after all. Is this about Andrew?”

“No, well, kinda, not really. We, uh, we broke up. I, um, I broke up with him.”

“Why, Emily? He’s been so good for you. He’s a good guy. And please tell me it wasn’t over something stupid. You broke up with Mark because the hours just weren’t compatible and what was the reason with the guy before that? His sheets were scratchy? Relationships take work and you tend to just look for the first excuse you can make to drop anyone who cares for you. Do you think Will and I haven’t had to work through a ton of shit, including the incompatible hours?”

“Okay, Mark lived on a different continent and the other guy refused to sleep in any other sheets. With Andrew, look, I’ve just been processing a lot of shit about myself and it isn’t fair of me to string him along as I try to figure out my shit.”

JJ laughs. “If you wait to be with someone until you have your shit together, you’re going to be single forever. And that’s part of the relationship, helping each other figure out their shit, to an extent of course. But Em, you’re never going to be perfect, and that’s okay because we all love you as you are. And I know you know this, so what is really going on?”

“It’s not exactly…god, I don’t even really know how to explain it. It was just never going to work out with him. I’ve just been having some personal revelations, I guess that’s the best way to say it. I don’t know, I’ve never struggled with words like this before.”

“Come on, Em.” JJ’s soft voice cuts through the phone. “It’s just me, you know you can tell me anything. Just say it.”

Emily nods even though she knows JJ can’t see her. It’s only JJ, there is no pressure for her to be perfect. “I think I’m gay.” The words still only come out slightly audibly. 

“What?”

“I said,” Emily clears her throat and musters everything in her. “I think I’m gay.”

There is a long stretch of silence only broken by the sounds of the road and their breathing (and eventually Emily biting her thumb), before JJ speaks. “You think ?”

Emily almost drops her phone at her friend’s clipped tone. “Well, no, I’m pretty sure. I mean I hooked up with a woman and it was really good.”

“So what? You think you’re gay because you had good sex once after how long of not seeing Andrew? It sounds like you just needed to get laid and are maybe having a midlife crisis. I mean, do you really think that you’ve made it this far without knowing?” JJ chuckles at the thought. “What even brought this on? Since when did you, of all people, start questioning your sexuality?” 

Emily shrinks back into her chair. “I just never thought about it before, you know. I knew plenty of people who were gay growing up but that couldn’t be me. I had a role to play, not that I was ever that good at playing it.” She hates how small her voice sounds. “It’s wrong, I know. But, now that I know this about myself, I just don’t know how to go back to who I was.”

JJ is suddenly reminded of a conversation between the two of them over a decade ago: walking on a college campus reminiscing on their youth, JJ experimenting and Emily getting used to being whoever people wanted her to be. “It’s not wrong. I’m sorry, Em, I shouldn’t have reacted like that. I’m just surprised I guess. And it’s been a long week, but I shouldn’t have said any of that. I’m glad you’re coming to terms with who you are. And like I said, I love you for who you are.” JJ takes a deep breath and tries to stop beating herself up; she can take the time to reflect why this rocked her the way it did later, right now, Emily needs her. “But what did bring this on? I mean, it’s like you said, you’ve been around gay people before, we’ve worked plenty of cases where sexuality played a role, and you never seemed to become introspective with those.” JJ thinks back to the case that helped her accept her own bisexuality, not that she’s told anyone except Pen and Will. She can add reflecting on why she hasn’t told Emily about it to her later pile. 

Over a minute of silence passes between them as Emily debates how to answer the question. “I started to have feelings for someone, and dreams about her. And I didn’t fully know what to make of them. Well, I don’t know, more stuff happened I guess. Apparently, I give off very gay energy that the team has all picked up on.” She chuckles awkwardly. 

JJ freezes for a second, wondering if the team has picked up on her sexuality. It’s not quite that she’s ashamed of it, more that it’s just never seemed like their business. “Gay energy?” 

“I still don’t understand it. But apparently I sit and stand very gay. Well, that’s if I listen to Alvez, which I’m not always super inclined to do. But yeah, apparently the whole team was shocked when I started dating Andrew because they all thought I’m gay. Well, jokes on me I guess.” Emily sighs deeply. “I fucking hate profilers sometimes.”

Both women burst out laughing, JJ taking an extra second to catch her breath. “Yeah, we do suck I guess. If it’s any consolation, I never heard anything about it.”

Emily remembers Tara mentioning that the team was always careful not to say anything in front of JJ; she never did get an answer as to why. After all, it’s not like her friend is homophobic or anything. “Well, at least I know it’s not the entire bureau talking about me.”

“So who is it?”

“Who is what?”

JJ rolls her eyes as she pulls into her driveway. She puts her car in park and leans back. “The person you have feelings for.”

Emily sighs, of course JJ has to bring this up. “Oh, you know, just someone I know from around.”

“Emily…” JJ’s mom voice scolds. 

Emily furrows her brow. She really would rather not divulge her feelings but she called JJ so that means she has to tell her, right? “Tara.”

“What?!”

The brunette sighs deeply before repeating herself. “I said, it’s Tara. That’s who I’ve been…I don’t even know the right word. Pining over, maybe. Ugh, I feel like a fucking schoolgirl with a crush.”

“That’s completely inappropriate.” JJ all but snaps as she runs her hand through her hair. 

“Jayje…”

“No, Emily, she is our friend, but more than that, she is your employee. You can’t seriously expect to have a relationship with her. I mean, you are the fucking section chief. You have to know what the optics will look like. And besides, what makes you think that she even has feelings for you?”

“I…” Emily hates how she shrinks, feeling like she is fifteen again being scolded by the ambassador for who she is hanging out with. “She was over and we were having a drink and she kissed me and…”

“A drunk kiss, that’s what you’re going on?” JJ tries to recenter herself, not fully knowing why she is so wound up about this. “You cannot possibly think anything good can come out of these feelings, can you? It’s just going to hurt the team. And honestly Em, and you know I love you, but you will probably just end up hurting Tara. Is that really what you want, to be another Daryl or another Douglas?”

The question is met with silence on both ends as both agents try to keep their emotions under control. Emily knows that JJ is right, that she can’t pursue a relationship with her subordinate, even if they are friends first. This knowledge doesn’t stop the pain. 

“Look, I’m really not trying to be mean here. I just care about both of you and want only the best. I’m happy you’re coming to terms with your identity, but just leave Tara out of it.” JJ hopes she didn’t come across too harsh. After all, she’s just thinking about the team. 

“Yeah,” Emily breathes out slowly. “Listen, Pen is calling me, we probably have a new case. Give my love to the family. I’ll talk to you later.” She hangs up before she gets a response and drops her phone next to her on the end table. She doesn’t feel great about lying but what was she supposed to do. It is all too real and too wrong. God, why did she even have to learn this about herself? Why did she have to kiss Tara and why did it have to feel so good and so safe? Emily grabs the pillow next to her and drops it over her face. Maybe if she can just smother herself she’ll be free from all this confusing, head-aching shit. 

—————————————-

JJ is right, Emily decides after that day. She cannot under any circumstances act on her feelings towards her friend/employee. All she needs is some distance, a little bit of distance and she’ll be able to move on. That part is easy enough; Tara is often on the road helping to consult on cases all over the country and Emily is busy overseeing all of her units and fighting the bean counters on the budget. It isn’t perfect, but Emily feels like she isn’t too obvious in how she has pulled back from her and Tara’s friendship, completely opposite from the stark distance she has let span between herself and JJ.  It doesn’t seem to matter that much that Emily ultimately agrees with JJ; what the blonde said had cut her deeply. And it’s not that Emily is completely avoiding the texts and phone calls, it’s more so that she’s maybe slightly exaggerating how busy she is. And she is busy; it's just mostly because she keeps throwing herself deeper into her work. Emily’s job has always been a safe place for her to hide. Other than Doyle, of which she still has mixed and complicated feelings about, she knows that she does good through her work. So maybe she is wrong and predatory for having feelings for Tara, but that just means that she’ll devote all of her energy to catching other predators, worse predators. If she can’t be with who she wants, she’ll just be married to her job. 

It doesn’t work. Maybe Emily should’ve listened more to the adage: distance makes the heart grow fonder, because every time she does see Tara, her heart beats out of her chest. So she pulls back more. No more wine or whiskey nights. No more girls’ nights. No more opportunities to be alone with the woman she loves. Fuck, that can’t be right. When did these feelings turn into love? Emily freaks out when she realizes the true depth of the situation. And she pulls back more. Suddenly, she’s not even going to team dinners and other get-togethers; some meeting or report always seeming to get in the way. 

And fuck, is it isolating. The team has been the only family that she’s had for years now, for fucks’ sake, a decade or more. Emily feels her slipping away from even herself as life becomes a grey blur of sleep and work with small joys found in the buzz of coffee and the jolt of nicotine. Occasionally, she’ll take a night off, go out and find some woman to hook up with, almost as if she is hoping to find the cure to this disease of the heart known as love. It never works. 

And it continues to blur when suddenly JJ is back, but Emily can’t find it in herself to reconnect with her friend. And then they get the case . And she meets Rebecca, Tara’s girlfriend . And god, if that isn’t a punch in the gut. And Emily hates herself for how jealous she feels when she should just be happy that her friend is happy. And she hates herself more for the slight relief and, dare she admit, joy she feels when the two of them break up. 

And then there is fucking gold star, forcing Emily to work closely with Tara, one on fucking one. Emily barely allows herself the fantasies of kissing Tara on the roof during a smoke break, something so erotic about the way Tara drags the cigarette away from her lips. Her self hatred doing nothing to stop her from using those fantasies to relax at night. 

She does at least credit herself slightly for not adding to the list of sins Jade and Peter accuse her of; though it is more to save herself from embarrassment in case her team is watching than it is self preservation. After all, it’s not quite that she wants to die; it’s just, does she really want to live?

Emily can’t help obsessing over that thought during her week of mandatory leave following her kidnapping. What else is she supposed to do after isolating herself so much?

Chapter Text

Emily opens her door, surprised by the speed at which her food has been delivered. “I know I joked that I’d tip you better if the egg rolls were still hot enough to burn my mouth but I didn’t mean for you to break all the traffic laws to do it.” She quips as she flips through her wallet for some cash, but as she looks up, the person standing with a bag of food and bottle of wine on her porch is not Nicholas, the college aged delivery boy at her favorite Chinese restaurant with whom she is ashamedly on a first name basis. 

“Sorry, I brought Indian, not Chinese.” Tara lowers her offerings, her head bowed. “I’ll still accept the tip though.”

“Tara…” Emily falters, trying to process everything that is happening. “What, um, what are you doing here?”

“Can I come in?” The doctor asks in response. Emily acquiesces and shifts to allow her unexpected visitor to enter. She shuts the door behind her and falls against it, watching her colleague set the food on the kitchen counter. “You’ve rearranged the furniture.” Tara comments, taking in the living room. 

“Uh, yeah, feng shui or something like that.” Emily remains plastered to the door, trying not to overthink her ratty sweatpants and old fbi shirt. After all, Tara has seen her in worse, right? And she doesn’t care what Tara thinks about her clothes because Tara is just her friend and her subordinate and is taken: Emily reminds herself. “But, I’m sorry, what are you doing here? I don’t remember us making plans.”

Tara sighs before facing her friend fully. “We didn’t, make plans, that is. I figured that just showing up takes away your ability to make excuses. And I’m here to have dinner with you. I picked up your favorite: lamb chooley with batura. And yes, it is mild so you won’t get heartburn.” 

“That’s sweet, really. But, ah, I have plans to call someone in a little bit.”

“Oh, who?”

“My…muh…ther?” Emily stumbles through the word so badly even a blind and deaf person would be able to tell she is lying. 

Tara cocks her head to the side and casts her best withering stare. “Em, you haven’t spoken to your mother since before you pulled a Jesus.”

“Yes, well, getting kidnapped really brought that to light and I figured there is no time like the present to fix our relationship.”

“Mhmm, because this time was so different from all of the previous times your life’s been in danger.”

“Okay, fine. I’m not talking to anyone tonight but I did already order food and you know how much I hate to create waste, so you should take that home to share with Rebecca.”

“Rebecca’s working and doesn’t like Indian food.”

“What? Everyone likes Indian food.” Emily taps her fingers against her thigh. “Well, what about Pen? I bet she’s free and I know she loves lamb chooley.”

Tara shakes her head in disbelief. “God, get better at lying. Pen is a vegetarian, you know that. She also loves her food spicy and would cry at how bland you get your food. There can be leftovers and I’m very hungry. So why don’t you stop avoiding me?”

“I’m not avoiding you!” Emily is cut off by her doorbell ringing. She holds up her hand and spins around to answer the door, smiling at Nicholas. 

“Hey Emily! I got here as quick as I could without breaking any laws. I also threw in a few extra fortune cookies for you for when you need some extra luck, and I know how much you love them.” Nicholas hands the bag of food over with a large smile. 

“Thanks, I appreciate it all. Here’s your tip and be safe out there!” Emily hands him a twenty and waves him off as he tries to object. 

Nicholas smiles again. “Will do! I’ll see you next time, have a good night.”

Emily closes the door once she sees he is safely back to his car and locks it, finally walking further into her apartment. 

“He knows your name?” 

“Well, it is on the order.” Emily grabs two plates down from the cupboard, officially giving up on trying to kick Tara out. She grabs both bags of food and walks to the table with the plates before going back to grab silverware. 

Tara grabs the wine glasses and the bottle, stopping just long enough to also grab a corkscrew. “It seemed a little more personal than that.”

“I like the restaurant and the couple that owns it so I order from there often enough. Nicholas is a sweet kid. Is it so wrong to know someone’s name now?” Emily cringes a little with how harsh her tone is. She doesn’t mean to snap but Tara has already ruined her evening plans of eating dinner alone while moping about all her deteriorating friendships. God, she needs help.

Tara raises her hands in surrender before handing off a wine glass peace offering. “I just think it’s sweet how you treat everybody like a somebody.”

 The section chief snorts. “That’s a dumb notion, everyone is a someone no matter who they are.”

“You know what I mean.” Tara rolls her eyes. “But enough for now, let’s eat before the food gets cold. After all, you tipped extra for hot egg rolls.” They both fill their plates and begin to eat in relative silence, only commenting on the food or related topics occasionally. It’s awkward and stilted, nothing like they’ve ever been before. Tara tries to start a casual conversation but gives up when she realizes Emily is not open to responding. It isn’t until most of the food is gone that Tara leans back and really takes in her friend. 

Emily is skinnier now, her face slightly gaunt, the bags under her eyes not helping. Exhaustion exudes off the section chief in a way it hasn’t before, the weight of her guilt holding her down. Tara just wants to carry her friend to the bed and hold her until she gets at least one night of restful sleep; one night without the nightmares keeping her awake. 

“You look like shit.” 

Emily whips her head up with a scoff. “I can see how you pulled Rebecca with pick up lines like that.” She stands and begins to clear the table, hoping to convince Tara to leave since the meal is over. 

“You haven’t been sleeping. Probably haven’t been eating enough either, if I had to guess. The cigarettes, alcohol and weed are definitely not helping.” Tara gathers the trash from the table, trying to keep her hands busy so she can get through all she needs to say. “You’ve been avoiding all your friends, your family .”

“Listen, I appreciate your concern, but I don’t need your judgement. I’ve been busy; we all have. Now that everything's wrapped up, life can go back to normal.” 

“I don’t believe you.”

Emily turns from the dishwasher she’s loading to stare at her colleague. “Okay, I really don’t see how it is any of your concern.”

“You walked into that compound by yourself telling the guards to shoot you! You could’ve been killed, and then it was like you were ready for death when Jade and Peter took you.” Tara is trying to remain calm and level but her worry has been boiling under her skin for so long she snaps like she used to do to Gabriel. Why is it that the people she cares most about make her feel so crazy? “I’m not just going to stand to the side as you passively kill yourself!”

Emily freezes, the thoughts she’s been suppressing for the past week swirling up again. She doesn’t think that’s what she’s been doing: passively letting herself waste away. She’s trying her best, eating at least one full meal a day, sleeping when she can. It hasn’t been easy. She might’ve denied killing Damien and Bailey at her “trial”; but she knows that even if she didn’t pull the trigger, it was her failings that led to their deaths. If she could just be better, maybe they would still be alive. Not that she can let Tara into these thoughts because she knows her friend will just try to convince her that she’s not guilty. But Emily is guilty; she’s been guilty since birth, her baptism not strong enough to erase her original sin. All Emily does is hurt people, and push them away; so she’ll continue to do what she does best. 

“There is no need for you to be overdramatic. I am not ‘passively killing myself’, doctor .” Emily bites back, making sure to seem as nonchalant as she can while she sets the dishwasher to run. “Thanks for the dinner, I’ll see you at the office on Monday.” It’s Friday now, Emily thinks. She has two more days to pull herself together. 

“I’m not leaving until you talk to me.” Tara crosses her arms against her chest as she stands her ground.

“I could call the police on you for refusing to get off my property. I believe it counts as trespassing or some other misdemeanor. Disturbing the public peace.” Disturbing my peace, Emily adds in her mind as she moves to curl into the corner of her couch. Her words carry no weight; they both know she’s not going to do anything but bitch about Tara’s presence. 

Tara rolls her eyes and sighs to herself before joining her friend in the living room. Emily is far more stubborn than anyone else she has ever met. “Oh cause that’ll look so good for the unit: section chief calls police on supervisory special agent after being abducted and tortured. Is that what you want to be the talk of the bureau when you come back?”

“What do you want from me, Tara?”

“I want to know why you’ve been avoiding me, avoiding everyone.”

“I haven’t been avoiding anyone, I already told you.”

“Really?” Tara leans forward, her eyes as steely as they are during an interrogation. She knows Emily is guilty, she just wants to know why. She can do this, she’s interviewed hundreds of people before. “Because we haven’t done anything together one-on-one for at least 3 years.”

“It’s been busy, with the unit all but breaking up.”

“You haven’t seemed to have a problem seeing Pen outside of work, even before she came back.”

Emily narrows her eyes, she is not about to be put through the inquisition tonight. “I have visitation rights with Sergio. But this isn’t about my cat, so just say whatever it is you want to say.”

“Do you have a problem with my relationship with Rebecca?” Tara rips the bandaid off, this being the only reason she can think of why Emily has all but disappeared from her life. 

“What? No, of course I don’t.” Lie. Emily knows she’s lying, but what is she supposed to say? ‘Yes, Tara, I do have an issue with your relationship because it should be me that you’re all googly eyed for, not some DOJ lawyer.’ Yeah, that’d go over so well. 

Tara can feel Emily holding back, but of what she isn’t sure. “You haven’t done anything with me since the night I asked if you were gay. To which you said you couldn’t be, like it is wrong or something. And you’ve been distant and combative with Rebecca from basically the start. So it really seems like therein lies the issue.”

“Okay, first of all, you didn’t ask if I am gay, you told me everyone thinks I am.” Emily sighs, her fight leaving her. She’s tired of keeping everything to herself. She’s tired of this life, a seemingly endless cycle marked by being abducted and tortured. Cyrus, Doyle, Lewis, Jade, the scars seeming more evident after this last time. Beaten, branded, drugged, electrocuted, and yet, she’s still alive. Shouldn’t she feel lucky, or have a new lease on life, or want to not let opportunities pass her by anymore? Shouldn’t she feel something besides exhaustion and defeat and guilt, so much guilt? 

“Emily?” Tara’s voice is soft again, her hand reaching out to wipe away the tears falling down pale cheeks. 

The section chief leans into the touch for a moment before remembering herself. She clears her throat and pulls away. “And second of all, you were right. I am gay.”

“Oh.”

“And I haven’t been pulling away from you,” Emily chooses to ignore the obvious lie she is telling, knowing they both remember how she’s been trying to get rid of Tara since her arrival. “I’m sorry I’ve been so busy, I’ll try to be more available to see people outside of the office.”

Tara groans, for a moment she thought she had broken through the Prentiss fortress only to find out she had just made it to the edge of the moat. “Okay, we’ll pretend that’s the truth. But you can’t deny that you’ve been avoiding JJ. What happened between the two of you? Because from where I stand, it looks like she’s been reaching out to you and you’ve done one hell of a job staying just past her fingertips.”

“I’m not avoi—“ Emily is cut off with a ‘tut tut’.

Tara holds up her hand. “For the sake of our friendship, stop lying to me. Or maybe, stop lying to yourself.” The psychologist drops her head into her palms for a second. “Em, it’s me. It’s just us, you don’t have to hide behind your usual armour. Talk to me, please.” She reaches out to hold one of Emily’s hands, both her palms encompassing it. 

Emily looks up, hating how her vision is slightly blurred through the building tears. Why can’t everyone leave her alone as she falls apart? First JJ during her suspension and now Tara. She’s the team leader, the one who holds up everyone else. But then, she hasn’t felt like much of a leader in a while. 

“I told JJ I’m gay, right after I accepted it about myself.”

Wrinkles appear on Tara’s forehead as her brow scrunches together. “And it didn’t go well?”

Emily just shakes her head wishing she could somehow disappear from this conversation, but she knows she can’t ever really deny Tara anything. 

“That doesn’t make sense, JJ has never had problems with gay people before. Especially since I’ve always thought she might be…” Tara trails off, deciding this is not the time or place for them to speculate about their teammate’s sexuality. “Will you tell me what happened?”

Emily pulls her hand away from the doctor and folds more into herself. She knows she must look pathetic. “It’s not so much that I’m gay that she has a problem with. I’m the problem, not my sexuality.”

“What does that mean? She loves you, like up there with her family loves you. That doesn’t make sense why you’d be the problem.”

“Huh,” Emily scoffs while trying to think of the last time she and JJ felt like true family; it was before the promotion for sure. “Love doesn’t blind people to the truth.” She whispers. She hates that she’s given someone the power to make her feel so small. Isn’t this what she’s spent her whole life protecting herself from?

“Em?”

“All she did was remind me not to act on any feelings I have because I just end up hurting people, so if I really care about someone, I should keep my distance.”

“I’m sure she didn’t say that.”

“Yeah, well, I told her I’m in love with someone and she responded with ‘honestly, you’ll probably just end up hurting her’ and that my feelings are inappropriate.” Emily snaps. She’s tired of not being believed, not being trusted. “Maybe you can interpret that differently, but I think it’s pretty clear. I’m too fucked up for my own happily ever after and I just cause misery in my wake. So maybe I have been avoiding people, but you should count yourself lucky for that. You don’t want to get caught in storm Prentiss without a boat and a paddle.” She can hear the acid in her words and almost wishes for more. Maybe if she just burns all the bridges around her at once, she can disappear again; this time for good. 

“Emily…” Tara tries to scoot closer to her friend, but can really only place a hand on the other’s knee. 

“It’s fine.” Emily tries to brush off her friend’s hand, but Tara just grabs her hand instead.

“It’s not fine if that is what you sincerely believe. Emily, you make the world a better place with your very existence. Nothing is made better by you avoiding the people you love. And JJ might’ve said those words in the moment, but I’m sure she’s eating them right about now.” Tara moves to sit on the coffee table so she can turn Emily’s head to look up at her directly. “And it’s not fine if JJ is the reason you’ve never confessed your feelings until now.”

“I haven’t confessed anything.” Emily tries to pull back but finds that she doesn’t have anywhere to go. 

Tara cocks her eyebrow and stares at her boss until the older woman crumbles slightly in submission. “Then do it now.”

“Tara…”

“I told you to stop lying to me and yourself.”

Emily wishes Jade had killed her, or Scratch or Doyle or Cyrus, anyway that she could not be in this very moment. She feels her heart beating against her ribcage and she’s pretty sure it’s beating out SOS. She’s always been able to work her way out of these situations, talk down her opponent and puzzle a way out; but as she stares into Tara’s eyes, she can’t form a single thought. All she can come up with is the feeling of her lips on hers. Emily has never felt this nervous before, not her first day at the BAU or returning after death. She can’t say anything to distract her captor and there is nowhere left to run. 

“I’m, um, in love with you.” Emily winces when Tara inhales abruptly. “And I have been for a while now, and I just thought that if I pulled back, I’d get over it ya know. Because that’s what’s always happened in the past with my exes: I’d love them until I didn’t. Or maybe I never loved any of them, because all that’s happened is that my feelings have grown and I’ve lost my best friend. So that’s why I haven’t been around.”

“You have terrible fucking timing, you know?” Tara whispers, her voice watery and the words barely choked out. “I waited for you for so fucking long and now…just terrible timing.”

“Tara, I’m sorry. I don’t expect anything. I wasn’t going to say anything but then you showed up tonight and…” Emily rambles and tries to ignore the sharp pains she feels in her chest. “I know it’s inappropriate, I’m your boss. And I can understand if you don’t want to work with me anymore after this because you don’t feel comfortable or safe. I’ll look into a transfer,” Emily catches her breath and seems to register Tara’s response. “Did you say you waited for me?”

Tara laughs incredulously and shakes her head. “For years! Basically since I met you. And then we kissed and I thought that you must’ve felt the spark that I felt, that you had to realize everything in that moment. But you pushed me away and told me that you’re straight. I still waited, wondering if maybe you just needed some time. And then I never saw you again except for at work, so I gave up hope that something could happen between us. I started going to Al-Anon meetings again; I met Rebecca. I fell in love with Rebecca. Everything that has happened over the past 6 months and I get nothing from you! And this whole time it is because you thought, what? That my life is somehow better without you in it? All because JJ got jealous and told you that you’d just hurt me. Do you know how much it’s hurt these past few years to think that I drove you away because I kissed you? That if I had just managed to control myself that night, I wouldn’t have lost my best friend. Do you know how much it’s hurt to watch you struggle and to be basically useless because you can’t let anyone in?” Tara takes a deep breath to try and center herself. “At least I know that you know how I’ve felt loving someone and feeling like it is somehow wrong.”

Emily’s head feels like it’s spinning; she’s never let herself imagine that this could be the response, that somehow Tara loves her too. “So where do we go from here?”

“I, I don’t know.” Tara pushes a piece of Emily’s hair back and cradles her cheek. “I’ve never loved anyone like I love you. You’re so smart and funny and loving and stubborn and such a pain in the ass and perfect, you’re absolutely perfect… But I do love Rebecca, and I don’t want to hurt her. This conversation is already crossing so many boundaries.”

Emily turns her face to place a kiss on Tara’s palm. “I understand, she’s lucky to have you. It’ll be okay, we can go back to being friends. I’ll be more present and we’ll figure everything out.”

“I don’t want that, I just need some time to figure out what to do.” Tara groans. She’s always been one to take extra time to think everything through, make mental pro and con lists, and run through all different scenarios. Rebecca makes her so happy, but she’s not Emily. And Emily, well, she’s a risk that Tara has to decide if she wants to take. 

“All I know is that I’d share you if that’s what it takes to have you.” Emily jokes. “Rebecca and I can exchange custody in a McDonald’s parking lot.”

“Em,”

The section chief dismisses the response with her hand. “I’m just joking. Take all the time you need to think and then, let me know. You waited for me, now it’s my turn.”

Tara nods slowly. She stands from her seat on the table, her knees creaking more than she likes to admit. She leans over and presses a kiss to the grey hairline in front of her. “I should probably head home now.”

Emily stands too, the two of them pressed together between the couch and table. The section chief looks up into her friend’s eyes and it takes everything in her to not reach up and kiss her. “I’ll walk you out.” Her words come out breathy and quiet. 

Tara swallows roughly and takes a step back then another. It feels like she’s fighting a magnet to get to the door. “We’ll talk later.” She promises before practically jogging to her car to stop herself from doing something idiotic. 

“Later.” Emily whispers as she closes and locks her front door. “I can wait for later.”

Chapter Text

Emily wakes up unsure if the previous night was a dream. It is only the smell of curry that still hangs in the kitchen that reassures her. Tara loves her, she thinks giddily. Sure, there are some complications and nothing is set; but Tara loves her. Emily drinks her coffee and allows herself to actually imagine a future with her friend: the two of them waking up next to each other every morning, laughing as they accidentally burn breakfast, their days filled with light touches and gentle reassurances. Emily no longer having to be alone all the time. 

Her phone ringing pulls her from her daydream. JJ’s name flashes on the screen but she chooses to ignore it, not wanting to ruin her mood. Her future is not secure yet and she still needs to actually process everything that’s happened this past week. 

Emily busies herself with emails and phone calls for the first few hours of the day before settling in her favorite chair with a book she’s borrowing from Pen. She’s in the middle of the third act breakup when a knock on the door startles her. 

The knocking continues to get louder as she crosses her house. “Hello?” Emily greets her guest as she swings open the door. She doesn’t have time to react to the hand swinging up towards her before it collides with her cheek. Emily reels backwards, grabbing her face and registering her assailant for the first time. “Rebecca?”

The lawyer stands in the doorway with wide eyes shaking her hand to relieve the sting of the hit. “Oh my god. Oh my god!” She mutters mostly to herself. “I can’t believe I did that. I’m going to be disbarred. I’m going to lose my job. Assaulting a federal officer, what was I thinking?” She gasps between quickening breaths.

Emily moves her jaw side to side to help with the pain. She smirks at the other woman’s freak out. “You were probably thinking that I’m a bitch.” She steps to the side and extends her arm. “You can come inside if you promise not to hit me again.”

Rebecca nods and steps over the threshold. She takes in the minimal decor of the house; the walls relatively bare. It looks homey enough with the warm tones and the bookcases lining the walls, but almost in an uncanny way. She can’t quite put her finger on it, like the whole house is wearing a mask to keep you from seeing the crumbling foundation underneath. It’s very Emily, she decides. 

Emily shuts the door and eyes the lawyer cautiously, already regretting letting her in. “Would you like anything to drink? Coffee, water…vodka?” She offers, already heading to the kitchen. 

“You don’t have to do that.”

“And what’s that?” Emily asks, one eyebrow raised.

“Play the perfect host as if I didn’t just slap you and you didn’t just break up my relationship.” Rebecca bites back. 

Emily grabs two glasses and the bottle of whiskey Rossi had gifted her on her most recent birthday. “What can I say? My mother drilled etiquette into me pretty hard growing up.” 

“She also teach you how to be a homewrecker?” Rebecca eyes the amber liquid splashing into the glasses. 

“The Ambassador?” Emily chuckles at the idea. “No, she’d die at the thought of a scandal, especially between women.”  Emily sets one of the glasses on the counter in front of her visitor. “Though she did teach me to never drink alone.” She lifts the glass with a sardonic smile in a mock salute before downing the liquor. “Cheers.” 

Rebecca cocks a brow at the display; regardless of all critiques she has of the section chief, she has to admit that she has moxie. “Well, I suppose we can’t disappoint the Ambassador again.” She concedes, taking a sip of the whiskey as Emily refills her own glass. 

“Oh, she’ll never know anyway. My resurrection and the surrounding circumstances killed that relationship for good.” Emily states nonchalantly, not missing the look of horrified surprise on Rebecca’s face. 

“You died?”

“Only temporarily.”

“When?”

“Over a decade ago.” Emily shrugs. “It’s old news at this point. I mean, that was like two abductions ago.”

Rebecca rolls her eyes at the older woman. “I suppose that explains the savior complex.” She mutters into her whiskey as she swallows the last sip. 

Emily laughs at that, a deep laugh like she used to. Back before she became section or unit chief, before she went to London, before Doyle, before this job. She laughs hard enough to bring tears to her eyes, setting her whiskey glass down to avoid dropping it. After a minute, she manages to regain control and catch her breath. “That was, that was good. I didn’t know how funny you are.”

“Well, I don’t see how you couldn’t with all the time we’ve spent socializing.” Rebecca scoffs. “I mean, is that why you thought it was okay to confess your love to my girlfriend? Because you don’t see me as an actual person?”

Emily wets her lips. “That’s not true.”

“Isn’t it?”

Emily sighs and pinches the bridge of her nose. “I didn’t mean to tell her. She just kept badgering me to talk to her and it came out. You know how good she is at getting people to talk, especially about things they’d like to keep close to their chest.”

Before Rebecca can respond, there is another person knocking on the door. “God, who is it this time?” Emily groans; she is seriously considering moving after this weekend. 

“Fuck, it’s probably Tara.” Rebecca curses. “I don’t want her to see me here.”

“Worried things will get worse for your relationship?” Emily asks before biting her tongue. “I’m sorry, that was uncalled for. But that doesn’t sound like her knocking; it’s too loud.” She opens the door slowly, standing back in case this caller wants to smack her too. 

“So you are alive.” JJ huffs when her boss’s face comes into view. 

“Um, yes?” 

JJ pushes past Emily into the house, not noticing Rebecca lurking in the kitchen. “Well, I wouldn’t know seeing as how you haven’t been answering your phone all week.”

“I decided to unplug.” Emily shrugs, really not appreciating the intrusion.  

“And then, I also haven’t been able to reach Tara all day either.” The blonde continues, ignoring the response. “Which is even more concerning after we sent her to come check on you last night.”

“Wait, you’re the reason Tara came over here?” Rebecca asks, causing JJ to jump.

“What are you doing here?” The blonde starts to ask before paling. “Oh no, did something happen to her? Is she okay? Is she missing?” 

“Okay is such a relative term but as far as I know she’s fine. At least she was when I last saw her.” Rebecca knows that the profiler is going to pick up the venom in her voice but she can’t bring herself to care. 

“What does that mean?”

“She means that she and Tara broke up, which is probably why she isn’t answering your calls.” Emily provides, wanting nothing more than to kick both of them out of her house. 

“You broke up? Again? You just got back together.” JJ exclaims. 

“We did, but like the first time we broke up, Tara chose Emily over me.” Rebecca glares pointedly at the section chief, though her fight is leaving her now that they are no longer alone. 

“You can’t seriously blame me for what happened with Herrero.” Emily rebuttals. “Tara didn’t choose me over you, she chose to find the truth and justice.”

Rebecca opens her mouth to argue but is cut off by JJ. “What do you mean she chose Emily this time?”

The lawyer scoffs. “Well, apparently she’s just been waiting for Emily to confess her undying love and I was just someone to pass the time with. And since that happened last night, I’ve been kicked to the curb.”

“You’re being dramatic, that is not what happened. She loves you too. She started seeing you after she decided to not keep waiting for me to get my head out of my ass.” Emily folds her arms across her chest. “I mean, do you really think so lowly of Tara that you think she would just use you like that?”

“I can’t believe you, Emily!” JJ turns to face her boss. “We talked about this. It is extremely inappropriate for you to try and start a relationship with one of our team members. What kind of leader are you? Is it really worth risking everything for a crush?”

Emily drops her head into the wall with a light thud. “God, JJ. This isn’t some passing feeling. You’re acting like I a) haven’t been in love with Tara for years and b) haven’t kept my distance for exactly that reason at your suggestion .” Emily groans, her head pounding from this all. “Besides, the whole boss/employee thing won’t be an issue for much longer. I am resigning from the FBI by the end of the month.”

“You’re doing what?” Three voices ring out together in mixed surprise. At the sound of the third voice, Emily, Rebecca, and JJ turn to the door that they had forgotten to close.

Tara stands in the doorway with her go bag over her shoulder, her brows raised high and her mouth pinched. She takes in the three women in front of her, all of them in defensive positions. “Well, I can only guess what I walked in on.”

Rebecca shrinks a little at the sight of her ex. Despite her initial anger that led her to coming here, she isn’t actually looking forward to a confrontation… with Tara at least. Especially since Emily’s nonchalant demeanor has calmed her down significantly. How is it that the person who ruined everything is also a source of so much comfort at the moment?

“Welcome to the party.” Emily greets sarcastically. “I didn’t know I was hosting, so sorry for the lack of charcuterie. I’ll be better prepared for next time.” Emily lets out the breath she has been holding. “If you wouldn’t mind giving me a minute, I’m just in the process of dealing with an uninvited guest.” She turns back to the other two women, finding that JJ is looking expectantly at Rebecca. “I don’t know why you’re looking at her, Jayje. She’s not the one who barged into my house. I’m not kicking her out, yet at least.”

The blonde whips her head around. “What do you mean you are kicking me out? You owe me some answers, don’t you think?”

Emily tilts her head in indignation. “Actually, I don’t think I owe you much of anything. You don’t get to keep dictating what I do and who I am.”

“You don’t get to say that. Not after all that we’ve been through.” JJ seethes; her feelings all threatening to explode within her. “What happened to: we don’t give up? That we don’t quit? I mean, what about the team? You’re just going to leave us again? Cause that’s what you do best, isn’t it? Life gets a little difficult and Emily Prentiss runs away. How many times are we going to have this conversation? The team needs you. And honestly, you need the team because you don’t have anyone else left. Because you push everyone away. Are you even capable of maintaining relationships if the other people in them don’t constantly fight against your barriers?”

“Get out.” Emily’s voice is cold and low. Rebecca and Tara make eye contact over the warring parties, both wondering if they should interject. “You have no right to throw anything in my face like that. You know that everytime I thought about leaving or I left, it was to keep the team whole. And you know, after everything that has happened this past year alone, haven’t I done enough to prove my devotion to this team? What more can you ask from me that I haven’t already given? I already know that my blood, sweat, and tears aren’t appreciated. Hell, I’ve already given my life to protecting this team. What more do you want from me?”

“I want you to make the right choice. Leave Rebecca and Tara alone to be happy together. Don’t leave the BAU. Don’t be selfish.” JJ feels her body vibrating with frustration. Why can’t Emily just understand that this is the way things have to be? 

Emily purses her lips, resisting the urge to scream. “Why is it that you got to leave and go to New Orleans for Will, but I can’t leave the BAU for Tara? Why is it that you get to be happy and have love but I don’t? Because I don’t want to be like Dave, where the only constant in my life is serial killers. I don’t want to die in this job, again, mind you.” Emily runs her hand through her hair, pulling it as she goes. “You know what I was thinking while I was being held by Jade and Peter? I was thinking that I had no one to really mourn me when I die. That the team would hurt for a little while, but everyone would move on. Because I am not anyone’s person. You know, everyone else on the team has someone. Tara has Rebecca, you have Will, Luke and Pen have whatever they have that they think we can’t see. Rossi lost Krystall but he still has Joy and Portia. But me…Who is going to be leaving flowers at my grave in ten years time?” Emily stares at JJ through blurry eyes, momentarily forgetting that they have an audience. “But I’ve kept going, kept fighting. You were right that leaving while we were in the middle of the gold star case was wrong. But we’ve found all the gold stars. We’ve shut down the program and saved so many kids. Voit is in prison. And I am done. I have been thinking about leaving all week. So forgive me that when Tara reciprocated my feelings, I jumped at it. Because don’t I deserve something good at least once? Are you really trying to deny me of even the smallest joys?”

JJ’s face falls and she fists her hands in her sleeves and crosses her arms against her chest. “Em, I…”

“Don’t.” Emily clears her throat and blinks away the building tears. “Just leave. I have nothing more to say and I have no interest in hearing any more of what you think.” Her words are firm, with only the slightest shake to them. 

JJ presses her lips together and nods, walking past Tara without another word. When she gets to her car, she slams her hands into the wheel a few times before driving away.

Tara closes the door behind the blonde before turning back to Emily. She isn’t sure what to say after that conversation, especially with Rebecca still here as well, who is looking at her like a lost kid.

Emily wipes the remaining tears from her eyes and walks back into the kitchen to have another drink. “It’s the two of yours turn to fight while I take a breath. So don’t mind me.” She chuckles darkly, leaning back against the counter.

Tara heads further into the house until she is in front of Emily. “Sure, that can happen in a minute. But are you okay? That was really intense and you look flushed.” Tara lifts Emily’s chin so she can get a better look at the section chief’s face. “Actually, only your right cheek is red. What happened?” 

Emily pulls back from the touch and glances at Rebecca who looks even smaller than normal. She can’t help but feel bad for the lawyer. After all, none of this would be happening if she had just kept her damn mouth shut. “That’s weird.” Her face scrunches as her lips press in. She sticks her tongue out and just barely licks her lips. “I was reading before Rebecca came over and must’ve had my face pressed into the chair too hard.” The section chief smiles weakly at Tara. “As for me, I’m fine; why wouldn’t I be? I just need a second.”

“Emily…” Tara tries to grab Emily’s arm to hold her back, but the section chief slips past both women and into the bathroom.

Rebecca waits for the door to shut, turning to face Tara. “Wow, she’s even more emotionally avoidant than you are.” Seeing the look on Tara’s face, she lifts her hands in surrender. “Sorry, that was meant to be funny. Thought the audience could use a comedic break after such an intense scene.”

Tara can’t help the chuckle that leaves her. For as long as she has known Rebecca, the lawyer has had a running bit of doing something “for the audience”. She’d asked once who this audience is, but Rebecca had just said it helps her move through awkward moments to think of them as jokes in the dramedy that is surely her life. “Well, at the BAU we analyze other people’s feelings and motivations to avoid dealing with our own.” Her self-deprecating joke earns a chuckle too. “Bec, what are you doing here?”

Rebecca fiddles with her glass on the counter. She’s been asking herself that since she first stopped seeing red, especially after witnessing the fight between JJ and Emily. That will go down in her personal history of worst disputes witnessed and she clerked for a family court judge while in law school. Plus, she is trying to figure out Emily’s angle with not throwing her under the bus for slapping her. “I could ask you the same question. You didn’t even wait more than an hour to come running over with your overnight bag. Real classy, Tara.”

Tara sighs; she hadn’t meant for her question to come off so confrontational. “I’m here because you are. You walked out in the middle of our conversation. I waited for a little bit but after 20 minutes I got worried and looked up your location. You didn’t even take your car keys! So, I drove your car here to pick you up and then I was going to take the metro to Pen’s. She’s making up her guest bed for me now, since I figured that you wouldn’t want me at the apartment.” Tara presses her fingers into her forehead. “I mean you just left without a word right as we were having a pretty serious discussion.”

Not her finest moment, the lawyer concedes. Still, she really isn’t in the mood to admit fault for any of this situation. “Conversation? What conversation is there to have? It was pretty clear from the start you were breaking up with me for her. You were what? Just telling me beforehand to prove some kind of moral high ground you love to think of yourself on. Like because you didn’t technically cheat, you can jump from one relationship to another as if you haven’t done anything wrong.”

“I wasn’t trying to break up with you.” Tara groans, racking her brain for a way to explain her thought process to her girlfriend. “After the talk with Emily last night, it didn’t feel right to not inform you of where I am mentally; not when both she and I had all of the context and you had none. I was trying to do the right thing.” Tara sags back against the counter. “I have had my fair share of failed relationships, as you know. Some of them were out of my control and ended despite how hard I fought to keep them and some because I didn’t fight for them at all. I’ve left people and I’ve been left. I’ve seen the end coming and I’ve been blindsided while the other person had been thinking about leaving for a while. And the only thing I have found to be consistently true is that communication is key, no matter how difficult it can be. And despite getting my doctorate in how our brains work especially when it comes to communication and feelings, I know I am shit at it.” Tara grips the edge of the counter, pushing herself into a more upright position. “This is a messy situation, I know that. And I am sorry that I have put you in it. I don’t see how we move forward without someone getting hurt, but I sure as hell would like to minimize the pain as much as possible. But that’s really fucking hard to do when I don’t have any clue what to do. I know exactly two things in this situation. I know that I love Emily and I have for years. And, I know that I love you and you make me happier than maybe I have ever been. But this isn’t just about me; it’s about all three of us. And maybe that makes you smarter than me because you came here to talk to Emily too, instead of thinking this could be solved between just two of us.”

Rebecca rubs the back of her neck and looks away, unconsciously staring at the bathroom door. Maybe she’s been too harsh on both agents. But has she? She came over here knowing that the two of them kept things from her and hurt her. Except, now she knows that both of them have been hurt by this too. She still wants to be hurt and angry about this whole thing, but who can she blame? “You’re right, as much as I don’t want this to be the case, I think the three of us do need to sit down together and talk this out.” The lawyer rubs her face. “And, um, in the spirit of honesty, I didn’t come over here to talk to Emily. That, uh, red mark on her face was me.”

“You did what?!” Tara shouts.

Chapter Text

Emily slides down the bathroom wall once she is locked away from her audience. The day had started so well, but she should’ve known that wouldn’t last; it never does. All she has been thinking about is how Tara loves her too, but that’s selfish of her. God, JJ is right. Emily strangles the sob threatening to rip through her. No one knows her better than JJ. Emily thought that meant JJ can see how many times she has sacrificed herself for the team. She has always put the team first, at least she thinks she has. She gave up her chance at being the first female director of the FBI to keep any flack from falling on JJ and Reid with the Lynch case, she came back to the FBI to keep the team together, she took the section chief job to make sure there is always someone fighting for the BAU; isn’t that enough? Emily has always thought it was, but it clearly isn’t. JJ is right: any happiness for Emily means ruining the team. But Emily can’t go back. She can’t continue to do this work everyday, it is killing her. Or maybe Tara is right, and she is killing herself. Either way, she’ll still need to leave, as hard as that is. 

Emily throws her head back into the wall. She needs to let Tara go; she needs to let Tara and Rebecca fix their relationship and be together. She needs to let the BAU go. Emily can feel the tears streaming down her face. JJ is right: she has no one but the team. But she will walk away to keep the team in the best position possible. She hasn’t been a leader for a while, and she keeps failing them. Emily just needs to compose herself, she can do this. She has to.

“You did what?” Tara’s voice floats through the bathroom door as Emily finishes wiping the tears from her face. It is now or never.

Rebecca and Tara both spin to face the sound of the door opening, Emily striding back into the room with complete measured confidence. The section chief stops in front of the lawyer and forces herself to make eye contact. “Rebecca, you were right. It was completely inappropriate for me to tell Tara how I feel and I did not take you into consideration when I did so. That was not okay, and I hope one day you can forgive me. But you should know that Tara was thinking of you the whole time. As soon as the conversation started, she ended it because she knew it crossed the boundaries of your relationship. She really loves you, and I hope you won’t let this damage what the two of you have; which is something really beautiful.” Emily can barely make herself look at Tara. “And Dr. Lewis, I’m sorry for putting you in such a difficult position. That was not right for me to do. But if you will both excuse me, it is late and I’m going to have to ask you to leave.” Emily moves across her house to the front door and opens it.

Tara stands in the kitchen mouth agape. This is not at all how she saw this night going, even if she didn’t know how she saw it going in the first place. “Emily…”

“I’ll see you in the office on Monday.” Emily’s voice is strong and leaves no room for argument. Rebecca nods and gently guides Tara towards the door, grabbing the agent’s go bag as they pass. Once they are both outside, Emily shuts and locks the door quickly.

“What just happened?” Rebecca asks, looking between Tara and the now closed door. “Did she just–?”

Tara slams her hand onto the lamp post beside her. “Dammit! I knew I shouldn’t have let her walk away earlier.”

“You mean when she went to the bathroom?”

“What you just witnessed was years of political training and emotional repression, otherwise known as Fortress Prentiss, and it just went on lockdown.” Tara mutters angrily. “She just needs a minute and she can both pull herself together and convince herself of anything. Dammit.”

Rebecca takes one last look at the house before fully turning back to Tara. “Well, I don’t see how anything else can be done tonight. I mean obviously the three of us still need to talk, I think. I’m still a little confused as to what just happened. So let’s go home, and you can try calling her in the morning.” She is too tired to deal with anymore of this tonight.

Tara shakes her head. “I’m…I’m not going back to the apartment. I’m still going to spend the night at Pen’s.” She doesn’t let herself be swayed by the look of dejection that crosses the lawyer’s face. “I need some time and space to figure this shit out. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” Tara passes the car keys to Rebecca with a forehead kiss and moves distractedly towards the bus station. Luckily, it isn’t late enough that public transport has stopped running.

-------------------------------

JJ closes Henry’s bedroom door after saying goodnight to her oldest son. She has been lost in her thoughts since she got home from Emily’s trying to wrestle with everything she said; she had been unreasonably cruel with her words and she can’t figure out where that vitriol had come from. She knows Will is waiting downstairs to talk to her, having given her that understanding look when she had walked in the door. Even without knowing what happened, WIll still knows that she will need to debrief. The blonde is grateful for her husband’s ever present support. 

“Cher, where y’at? You’ve been lost in your head since you come home.” Will reaches out his hand for his wife, asking her to join him on the couch. 

JJ smiles at him and squeezes his hand, settling next to him on the couch. She curls around his arm and leans her head on his shoulder with a kiss. “I really messed up, and I don’t even understand what happened.”

“Jen, I’m sure you didn’t do nothing that can’t be undone.” Will presses a kiss to her hairline, his scruff lightly scratching JJ’s forehead. “You went to check on Emily, yeah? She still ignoring you?”

The blonde shakes her head, her cheek rubbing against the cotton of his shirt. “No, she didn’t ignore me. It probably would’ve been better if she had. I mean, I don’t even know what came over me. I said things I can never take back and I hurt her Will. If you had seen her face…you’d think I’m a monster.”

“Come on now Cher. You and Em have been through so much, I’m sure there is nothing you could’ve said that is all that bad. She’s had a rough few months, you all have. I’m sure tensions have been high. Whatcha expect?” Will rubs his hand up and down his wife’s back.

JJ blinks away the tears that have started to build. “No, Will, you don’t get it. It felt like some kind of raging animal took over me. Like I was set to hurt her and I don’t know why. I don’t understand what I said or why I said it.”

“Well, nothing good can come from you keeping it in.” Will pulls back so he can look into her eyes. “Let’s break it down, what happened?”

“You’re right, I need to talk this through. Maybe you can make sense of it for me.” JJ leans back and settles into the couch, grabbing a pillow and hugging it tight to her chest. “It all started like 3 years ago.” Will raises his eyebrows in surprise but remains silent, letting his wife tell the story in her way. 

JJ takes a deep breath before continuing, “Emily called me one day after work freaking out. She had broken up with Andrew and had feelings for someone else. Except it wasn’t another man. She said that she had been doing some self reflection and realized that she’s gay.”

“Well, it certainly took her long enough to get to the conclusion.” Will jokes before seeing that his commentary is not appreciated. “Sorry, cher. Continue.”

“Yeah, well, apparently she and I were the only two that didn’t know what was obvious to everyone else. I mean, to me it was out of the blue. Emily had only ever shown interest in men, even if she had barely done that. I mean she had been talking about moving to Denver with Andrew. And then suddenly, that all changed in one night.” JJ sighs, hoping to release some of the tension in her back. “She told me she had feelings for Tara, and something inside of me flipped. I yelled at her for it; told her to under no circumstances pursue anything because it was inappropriate and she’d just hurt Tara in the long run. I don’t even know where that came from. But it ruined everything. She pulled away; not just from me though. She stopped doing anything with the team, pretty much completely isolating herself.”

“You ain’t responsible for her pulling back. That’s a bed she made. Even if your words ignited a spark, she stoked the fire.” Will tucks a strand of blonde hair behind her ear. “So that was three years ago, what’s happened since?”

“Well, we moved back but the distance between us was almost greater than before. She would barely look at me, let alone lean on me. I thought for a moment that maybe she and Tara had been secretly together this whole time with how much she would go to Tara for support, but then I met Rebecca. And Emily seemed fine with both of them. I thought she had gotten over her feelings, but that didn’t change how she treated me. It was like she was on an island where I just couldn’t paddle my way there.” JJ drops her face into the pillow and groans. “You know how she blamed herself for Bailey’s death, and none of us could do anything for her. The only person to get anywhere close was Tara, and that was just because the two of them were looking into Goldstar without telling any of us. I mean she was putting in more hours than even Hotch ever did at his worst. And of course, then came Voit.” The blonde just starts shaking her head.

Will moves to the edge of the couch. “How bout I get you something to drink? D’you want water or tea?”

JJ looks up through her blurry eyes in pure adoration of her husband. “Water, with some ice? If that’s okay.”

“Cher, I’d go to the arctic to get you ice if I had to. I’ll be righ’ back.” As Will goes into the kitchen, JJ takes a minute to recenter herself. She’s already feeling so on edge and she hasn’t even gotten to what happened today. Will walks back in with two glasses of ice water and a bowl of pretzels. “Carbs make the pain go away.” He winks at her as he settles back on the couch, happy that he got her to crack a smile. JJ takes a long sip of water before placing the glass onto a coaster.

“I told you about BAUGate?” JJ waits for his nod of affirmation before continuing. “I couldn’t understand why she couldn’t just tell me herself. Well, she says she was just protecting me, but it feels more like she doesn’t trust me. Like she doesn’t want me around. I mean, she used to always check in on me, talk to me. Now, I mean, she’ll check in on Luke before me. Or even Tyler. I mean, fucking Tyler, really? And I can’t help but feel like it’s because she now hates me. And I know why. I can’t even blame her. I pushed her back into the closet and locked the door.”

Will opens his mouth to reassure her that she isn’t to blame but JJ puts a finger to his lips. “I know what you’re about to say. But there is no other way to look at it. She’s been a shell of herself recently and I can only see it starting after that damn phone call. And she looked so ready for death when she was kidnapped. I mean, I’m so grateful that she’s still alive, that she saved herself. Because she did, she saved herself and she saved all of us, like she always does. I don’t know how she does it, but every time she’s been in trouble, we’ve barely had to do anything. But when we’re in trouble, she comes running in to save us. And yet I have accused her multiple times of not caring about the team, of putting herself first.” JJ bites her lip. “How could I ever think that? I know that she has always put the team first. I know that she has sacrificed so much for us.” At this point, she can’t stop the tears that run down her face. Will wraps his arms around her and pulls her close to his chest, rocking her gently.

“She does have a knack for getting herself and others out of fraught situations.” Will mummers into his wife’s hair. He thinks of Emily saving his life all those years ago, refusing to leave him alone with the bomb quickly counting down. “But, it’s not like you were wrong either. Something happening between two team members would affect the team. It’s understandable that you’re being protective of the team as it is, that’s your family.”

“You’re my family, you and the boys.” JJ isn’t sure what she’s even arguing, just that she feels the need to reassure Will of his place in her life. It’s like when she was shot by Grace Lynch; she needs him to know that there is no one above her three boys. She’d completely walk away from the FBI if he asked her to.

“Your family ain’t limited to us, no reason to pretend otherwise.” Will kisses her head. “They are just as much a part of who you are as we are. I know that things have been a little split at work for a while. I’ve seen how that’s taken a toll on you, not having your same support systems that you’re used to. Especially with my cancer scare earlier this year, I know you’ve been dealing with a lot alone.”

“Don’t remind me.” JJ wraps her arms around his chest and squeezes tightly. “I am so glad that you are fine. I don’t know how I could do any of this without you.”

“I’m not going anywhere, cher. Don’t worry about that.” Will lightly scratches up and down JJ’s back. He knows that she knows he can’t actually promise that, but he’ll do his best anyway. “Now, you said y’all sent Tara to go check on Em last night, right? And then neither of ‘em were answering their phones so you went over there today. What happened when you got there?”

JJ inhales sharply. She really doesn’t want to admit to what she said, even though she knows Will will understand, even if she doesn’t. “Rebecca was there, and at first I was worried something happened to Tara, but that wasn’t the case…” JJ trails off lost in thought until Will pulls her back to the present by gently tapping her arm. “Sorry…anyway, Rebecca was there to confront Emily because Em had confessed her feelings to Tara last night and Tara feels the same. And I just lost it. Then Emily said she is leaving the FBI and suddenly I wasn’t in control of myself anymore. I was just saying anything I could to try and change the situation. I called her selfish, told her that she can’t leave because she’d have no one if she didn’t have the team.” JJ shudders slightly at the memory of her words. “Will, she looked more hurt than I’ve ever seen her. And she kicked me out, which I understand. I couldn’t even try to take it back, to fix anything. I can’t see how she’ll ever talk to me again. It was awful…I was awful. And the worst part is, I don’t even know what came over me.”

Will helps JJ sit up and faces her, his eyes tired but full of love. “Jen, you’re jealous. That’s what came over you, the green monster.”

JJ shakes her head, her face scrunched. “Jealous? Jealous of what?”

“Of Emily being with Tara.”

“Don’t be absurd.” JJ chuckles, grabbing a pretzel and breaking it in half. She eats one half, swallowing roughly. “Why on earth would I be jealous of that?”

“Jen,” Will sighs her name. “As much as I hate to admit it, you’ve loved Emily for as long as you’ve loved me. Maybe even longer.”

“No I haven’t. And besides, I’ve never been jealous of Emily in any of her previous relationships.” JJ pops the other half of the pretzel in her mouth. “By your logic, I should’ve been like this when she started dating Andrew.”

“Well, you were. Kinda.” Will hushes JJ when she starts to interrupt. “But you called it being protective and wantin’ to make sure he was a good guy.” He brushes back a piece of her hair. “Listen, before that phone call, you thought Em was straight, and therefore, you had no chance. So your jealousy was mild compared to now. But you know Tara is safe, there is nothing for you to protect Emily from. That’s why you don’t understand it, because the only reason you care is because she’s not in love with you.” 

“I, that’s not, ok…” JJ splutters as she tries to process this information. “That doesn’t even make sense. I’m with you, very happily. I don’t want to be with Emily. It must just be like you said earlier, I don’t want anything to happen to the team because they’re my family. It wasn’t some little green monster, it was my mama bear side. Plain and simple, that’s it.”

“Cher, one of the things I have always loved about you is your ability to love so many people at once. I knew from the moment I met you that you had a deep connection to both Em and Spence, but I have never thought it changes your love for me. I’ll admit that I thought you wanted to leave me for Em in the very beginning when you were keeping me from the team, but I know how much you love me and the boys.” Will tilts JJ’s chin up to look her in the eyes. “I thought you might’ve come to terms with your feelings for her when you accepted your sexuality, but maybe it’s cause you never thought you’d have a chance, that you never realized it was more than friendship.”

“I don’t, I mean…” JJ’s mind races 1000 miles per minute. How could any of this be true and she not know? 

“It’s okay that you do, like I said, I’ve always known. But until you come to terms with this yourself, your emotions are going to control you ‘stead of the other way round.” Will gives her a gentle kiss. “I know you gotta do this next part of processing alone, I’m gonna head to bed. Just remember, you’re not a bad person for having feelings, cher. And with a love as deep as yours and Em’s is, ain’t nothing can’t be undone.” He stands and gathers the empty glasses from the table and takes them into the kitchen. Before he goes up the stairs, he turns to his wife again. “Don’t stay up too late, you don’t have to work it all out tonight. Love ya.”

“I love you too.” JJ watches him make his way up the stairs wondering how she got so lucky to have him. He has always accepted her exactly as she is. And she knows that somewhere deep down, everything he said is true; but her mind keeps rejecting it and searching for some other answer.

Chapter Text

“So my darling doctor, you wanna tell me what happened between you and our lovely lawyer friend yesterday?” Penelope greets a groggy Tara with a warm cup of coffee and a scone. “Of course, you don’t have to tell me. But you did come to Casa Garcia instead of staying somewhere like, I don’t know, the Rossi Mansion or Fortress Prentiss, both of whom would’ve let you process in silence. I suppose you could’ve also gone to Luke’s but besides Roxy, I can’t think of any reason you’d want to do that.” 

Tara takes a sip from her mug with a low moan and settles in at the table. “It’s not that I don’t want to talk about it; it’s that it is messy and involves more than just me. And no offense Pen, we all know you can’t keep a secret.”

“This is true, usually.” Penelope takes the seat across from Tara picking at her own scone. “However, I won’t break a person’s trust; so if it is really something not to be shared, I’m a vault.”

Tara raises her eyebrow but concedes, knowing that if she doesn’t verbally process this she’ll be lost in her mind forever, and that out of everyone on the team, Penelope will be the most understanding. “Okay, but this is like super lockdown, do you understand? You really can’t tell anyone.” Garcia nods vigorously, leaning her chin on her fist. “The basics of it is I have feelings for someone else.”

“And does this person have feelings for you?”

“Yes…” Tara bites her lip. “And these feelings predate Rebecca. But we didn’t know that they were reciprocated.”

“So you want to leave Rebecca to be with this person ?” Garcia waggles her brows on the last word. 

“Yes…no” Tara drops her head into her hands. “I don’t know. I love them both. I want to be with them both. Rebecca is great and amazing and everything I’ve been looking for. But she’s not…”

“Emily.” Garcia finishes for her colleague, sitting back in her chair with glee. She squeals and bounces slightly. “Oh I knew it. God, I have been waiting for you two to figure it out. Ever since we had that family dinner when Em was still in London. The two of you were H-A-W-T hot!”

“What?!” Tara shakes her head in surprise. How come everything is so obvious to everyone else around them? “How could you possibly know that? Emily only just came out to herself a few years ago. And it’s not like I’ve been broadcasting my sexuality for all to see.”

Penelope laughs and rolls her eyes at her friend. “My darling doctor, I may not be a profiler but I am the Empress of Knowledge. There is little I don’t know about everyone, especially those I love.” Penelope takes a sip of her tea. “Also, as the reigning Queer Queen of the FBI, I can spot a ‘like minded’ individual from a mile away. And Emily came out to herself last; everyone knew she is gay. Even she knew! One night she got black out, which is hard for her, that woman is a tank. Anyway, one night she gets so drunk and tells me that when she was younger she used to be obsessed with all these female celebrities but pretended to like whatever guy was popular at the time to fit in. And that her mother’s friends would always make comments about how she was still single and how it was such a shame that an attractive young woman like herself would choose this lifestyle. The poor baby thought they meant her career. Which let’s be honest, probably didn’t help. I mean lesbian in a male dominated field is a little stereotypical but if you’re being your authentic self, you shouldn’t be worried about stereotypes.”

Tara has to take a second to pick her jaw up from the floor. If only she had called Pen for help all those years ago, maybe everything would be different. But then she would never have been with Rebecca. That thought fills Tara with a deep sadness. “When was that?”

“Oh, back when she first joined the BAU. But, unbeknownst to me, she was still dealing with all the guilt around her Interpol days; so, that pretty much overshadowed any kind of self discovery. She was so different back then, so much lighter.” Penelope smiles fondly at the memory of her friend. “I mean, if you love this Emily…you would’ve been absolutely smitten with baby Em. She was just such a ball of smiles and laughter. Of course, most of it was a mask. I think she thought we wouldn’t accept her if she showed any of her inner turmoil. And it was rough at the beginning. We were shocked from everything with Elle and Hotch wouldn’t trust Emily any farther than he could throw her. Also Reid was constantly attacking her.”

“Reid?” Tara asks incredulously. She’s never heard much about the early days of the team as she knows it. She supposes that she’s never really asked either. She’s heard bits about the agents that have come before her but never full stories. She wracks her brain for the story around Elle but can’t come up with anything. “The two of them are so close. I can’t imagine them as anything other than the siblings that they are now. I mean Emily did everything for him when he was in prison and he walked out of work in her defense when Barnes was breathing down her neck.”

“Well, I won’t say anything I’m not supposed to, but he was going through a really hard time. And Emily was new, or maybe he knew that she could take it. I don’t really know, but it was pretty ugly. I mean, I heard. Since I wasn’t traveling with the team, I never saw it myself. But you know, it’s Emily. So, she took it and supported him and never left his side. She’s always been like that.” Garcia shrugs and swirls her tea bag around in her mug. “Anyway, back to you. So you love them both?”

“Yeah…and I don’t want to hurt either of them.” Tara lets out a heavy sigh. “I’m worried that no matter who I pick, I’ll live my life wondering what if. And that they might as well. Especially with Emily. I’ve already been dealing with enough what if’s since we kissed, I don’t need more.” 

Penelope lets out a squeal loud enough to cause both of her cats to dart into the bedroom. “You two kissed?! When? How did that happen and the earth not stop spinning?” 

“Years ago, and what are you talking about?” Tara chuckles at her friend’s enthusiasm. 

“I already told you, I have been shipping the two of you for years. I mean, I don’t want to be biased in my advice, but you and Em are like meant to be.” Garcia gushes dramatically. “It’s practically written in the stars.” 

“I don’t know about all of that, I’m not sure I believe in soulmates or anything in that realm.”

“Neither does Em!” Garcia bubbles. “It’s so perfect! She’ll wear black at your wedding…no, something grey to match her hair.”

“Garcia!” Tara waves her hand in front of Pen’s dreamy far off gaze. “Don’t go walking me down the aisle anytime soon. We have actual problems here. Like, should Emily and I even be together?”

“Why would you even think that you two shouldn’t be together? I have a Pinterest board full of quotes and songs that I think really encapsulates you two as a couple. And you can’t tell me that my Pinterest vision boards aren’t excellent.” Pen frowns, her brows dipping below her glasses frame. 

“I don’t even want to go into the concept of you having a Pinterest board for us.”

“I called it Temily Tingz. Like things but different, better alliteration. You get it.”

Tara rolls her eyes and shakes her head. Of all the things she’s expected out of this conversation, that never would’ve made the list. Maybe she needs to stop expecting things, since this weekend has shown her that nothing goes according to script. “Sure, but the issue isn’t if the two of us are compatible. We’ve been friends and colleagues for years, of course we are compatible. It’s just, and okay, I don’t feel good about saying this, but…” She reaches through her brain trying to find the best wording. “I have done a lot of personal growth over the years, but especially recently. And I know the importance of letting people in and being emotionally vulnerable. I don’t know if starting a relationship with the most emotionally avoidant person on our team is the best idea. I mean last night, Emily kicked Rebecca and I out of her apartment with an apology to us both and wished us well in our relationship. Hell, she only told me that she loves me after I pulled it out from her.”

“Hypocrite.” Garcia coughs, covering the word just barely. 

“What did you call me?” 

“I called you a hypocrite.” Penelope rolls her eyes. “Listen, you know I am all for a good personal growth story. I’ve been living for therapy recently. But just because you’ve learned the importance of letting people in doesn’t mean you’ve learned how to let people in. Sure, you don’t physically push people out of the door when they try to talk to you but you have mastered talking to them through the screen. It gives the illusion that you’re being vulnerable but you are still standing behind a wall of protection.” 

“I wouldn’t say that.” Tara objects, but even as she does, she tries to analyze the past couple of days. 

“There you go, you’re doing it now. You’re trying to intellectualize your emotions rather than feeling them!” Garcia sighs, tapping her fingers on the table. “Are you ready for some hard truths?” 

“No.” 

“Well, too bad, because I think you need to hear them.” Penelope adjusts her glasses. “Emily has been hurt, a lot. I genuinely don’t know if she had even one healthy relationship before joining the team. And I’m talking romantic, familial, platonic, you name it. She is rejecting you before you can reject her. It’s her worst quality: she will always sacrifice herself. And I would say that you are almost equally scared of hurting people and being hurt. You think that if you can hide from your feelings that you’ll be safe. Except, your avoidance is what ends up hurting everyone in the end. And Emily knows that. She knows that you’re in an impossible situation. So she threw herself into the line of fire; by taking herself out of the equation she is ensuring that you don’t have to fret over the decision, that Rebecca is safe, and she won’t have to potentially be rejected. It’s the perfect move.” Garcia stands and gathers the dishes to take to the sink. “Or, it would be. If you were all robots who could flip off your feelings and move on. Except, you, my fine furry friends, are all human.”

Tara frowns at the assessment. She feels her feelings; if she didn’t, then they wouldn’t be feelings, right? And hadn’t Emily literally told her that she missed their friendship? Is this what she’s been missing: expecting people’s actions to mirror their desires? “But Emily said she wants to be with me on Friday. I hadn’t even really said anything to her yesterday before she basically took it all back. And how does that help anyone? She can’t actually expect me to just accept that.”

“And why wouldn’t she?” Garcia spins on her heel to face her colleague. “She’s never had anyone fight for her. She saves herself because on some level, she has never been able to fully believe that we are coming to save her. So, you can listen to her and walk away. Or, you can show her that she’s wrong. That there is someone who will fight for her, who will show up at her door and force her to open up because they actually care to listen.”

“How do you even know that’s what she wants? I don’t want to disrespect her boundaries or her wishes.”

“I know how she thinks. We’ve been friends for nearly two decades.”

“No, it’s more than that. What really happened between you and Luke on your date?” Tara turns the conversation back on her friend; payback for the psychoanalysis that she received. 

“Nope!” Penelope walks into the living room away from her colleague. “This is not about me. This is about you and what you are going to do.”

“But I don’t know what to do. I want to fight for Emily, but I don’t want to lose Rebecca. And it feels like no matter what I do, I’ll just end up losing the other.” Tara slumps into the armchair facing the couch. “It’s not like I can date both of them.”

Garcia laughs at her friend’s childlike frowny face. “Who said you can’t? Did they?”

All I know is that I’d share you if that’s what it takes to have you. Tara thinks back to what Emily had said the night when the predicament had first appeared. “I’m pretty sure polygamy is illegal.”

“Well, I’m not telling you to convert to Mormonism.” Garcia chuckles as she reaches for a book off her bookshelf. “And yes, you can’t legally marry more than one person. But polyamory is a completely other story. You can be ethically non monogamous so long as all parties consent to it.” She passes the book over to Tara. “This is something a friend gave me a while back. I am always looking to be more educated on the rainbow community as a whole. It’s kind of a how to guide. Look, I’m not saying this is going to solve all of your problems. But, maybe it’s something to think about yourself and if you’re interested, bringing up to both Rebecca and Emily. Not everyone is going to get it, not everyone is going to accept it. But you know what I always say; I’m not going to yuck someone else’s consensual yum.” Garcia winks at her guest as she grabs her laptop. “Now, I do have some work to do on my projects. You are welcome to stay another night or two; anymore, you will have to clean the litter boxes to earn your keep.” 

Tara just nods dumbly in response. She’s heard of polyamory vaguely before, but she’s never met anyone who practices it. And how would she even process it? Juggling one relationship and the job is hard enough, can she really handle another? And if she’s dating both of them, how is she supposed to meet all of their needs and still have something left for herself? She stares down at the cover of the book, maybe this will hold the answers she seeks. She nearly laughs at herself; since when has one book held the answers to her life’s biggest questions. But then, those questions were almost always what and almost never how. 

Before Tara lets herself get completely lost in the pages of polyamory, she pulls out her phone to call Rebecca. The lawyer answers almost immediately. “ Hey.”

“Hey.”

“Are you coming home soon?”

“Um, no. Actually I think I’m going to stay another night at Pen’s.”

“Oh.”

Tara catches the way Rebecca’s breath falters at her answer. “It’s not what you think. Or, I don’t know what you’re thinking, so I shouldn’t say that. I guess, it’s not what I think you’re thinking. Ugh, sorry, I’m rambling. I just need some more time to process.”

“Are you going to actually feel what emotions you’re experiencing because of this or are you just going to analyze them?”

“Why does everyone keep saying I do that? I feel things.”

Rebecca chuckles, imagining Tara’s look of indignation. “I’m not saying you’re incapable of feeling, more like you don’t let yourself feel. But this is an emotional matter, you can’t mentally work your way out of the box.”

“I’ll try, I suppose. Though I do think that idea is ridiculous. How could I not feel my feelings? It’s literally in the name.”

“Yet another reason you’re a forensic psychologist and not a practicing psychiatrist…” There is a long pause on the line, so long, that Tara thinks for a second she’s lost connection. “I’m fighting for you, Tara. I’m fighting for us. I know you need time to process everything and I want to respect that, I really do. But I love you too much to let you go without a fight. So, take another day or two, think and process. But then we are talking. You and me…and Emily too if she needs to be there. Because you matter too much for me to just let you go. Okay, maybe I’m not Emily; but I know what you and I have is good, it’s great. It is not just something you throw away. I learned that lesson after I broke up with you a few months ago.”

“Rebecca…” Tara falters; she’s not entirely sure what she can say in response to that. 

“No, don’t say anything. Not yet, not before you’ve had time to process everything. I just need you to know that I’m fighting. And that I love you. I’ll, um, talk to you later.”

The calls ends with a beep before Tara can wrap her head around any of what Rebecca said. If she’s willing to fight for their relationship, would she be willing to try polyamory? Or would that potentially turn the idea of polyamory into a competition of who can outlast the other until it can be a monogamous relationship only? Tara groans and stares down at the book’s cover again. She better get to reading. She sends one text before opening the cover, this time to Emily:

I’m not going to show up to your house randomly today. You can have a day of reprieve. But don’t think this is over. You don’t get to disappear on me twice.

Chapter Text

I’m not going to show up to your house randomly today. You can have a day of reprieve. But don’t think this is over. You don’t get to disappear on me twice.

Emily stares down and rereads Tara’s text for the eighth time. She hasn’t responded, probably won’t at this point. It doesn’t really call for a response per se; but she wants to say something back. The problem is that she can’t decide what she wants to say. Half of her wants to respond “Thank god! I was an idiot to kick you out yesterday and I don’t want you to walk away.” The other half of her wants to say “I’ve said my piece and I’ll disappear if I damn well please. Don’t contact me again unless it is work related until my last day at the end of this month, then it’s farewell.” She won’t send either text. Emily laughs at her patheticness; she is equally split between begging for the very love she is pushing away. Isn't that the story of her life? She looks down at her phone to read the message again when it starts ringing, an unknown number popping up. 

“Hello?” Emily answers the call, curious as to who it is. Maybe she’ll get lucky and it’s a spam caller she can mess with. It never fails to amuse her to threaten some telemarketer with obstruction of justice for interrupting a case. 

“Emily! It’s so good to hear your voice.”

Emily gasps, her eyes immediately becoming glassy. “Spence? How are you calling? Why are you calling? I thought you’re on assignment and…” She trails off; she’ll probably never know the true nature of what he is doing. 

“I heard you’d been kidnapped and tortured, again.” Emily smiles at the tinge of frustration in her friend’s voice. “I just had to make sure you’re okay, for myself. I’m calling from a payphone, just in case.”

The section chief sighs. Ultimately, she knows that she’ll never get a complete way to stay in contact with him. It still hurts though; she misses him. “Yeah, I’m fine. Well, fine-ish.” Emily blinks away the building tears. “Honestly, Spence, I’m not fine.” She chokes on a sob, wishing for nothing more than that he could be with her and give her a hug. “I just, it feels like everything is falling apart and it’s my fault.”

“I’m sure that’s not true, that it’s all your fault. It’s probably true that that’s how you feel. I’m not always the best at life advice, but I have read almost every major self-help book and many therapy books, so I can try my best. Have you been practicing self-care?”

Emily snorts at the question. “Oh, definitely. You know us at the BAU, just the queens of self-care.” 

“Well, I’ll take that as a no.”

“You always have been quick on the pick up.”

Spencer chuckles into the phone. “Emily, what’s going on?”

“I just don’t know what to do when I’m in love with someone who is in a committed relationship and they’re in love with me but also with their partner. What would you even do in that situation?”

“Well, when that happened to me, I went to therapy. And I was told to have one normal conversation. I’m not entirely sure it helped, but that is how I met Max.”

Emily’s laugh turns into a slight cough. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard this story.”

“And one day, I’ll love to tell it to you in more detail. But right now, I don’t have much time. All I know, Emily, is don’t lose time with people you love because you’re scared of being hurt. And sometimes going outside your comfort zone can lead to some pretty cool new experiences.” 

“When did you get so wise?” 

“Well, I’ve had some good people to look up to. Listen, I hate to cut this short, but I do have to go. I’m glad to hear you are alright.”

“Yeah,” Emily hates how her voice breaks. “We’ll catch up when I see you again. Just be safe, whatever you’re doing.”

“You too.” 

The phone clicks off as the first tears fall into her lap. Emily wipes her cheeks and tries to regain her composure but ultimately gives up. Who is she keeping it together for; there is no one around to judge her as she weeps over the mess she made. She shouldn’t be crying over spilled milk, especially not if she poured it out deliberately. The tears don’t care about her logic; her grief pulling her under despite her protestations. Why can’t she get her heart to understand that this is the way things have to be? That she has to walk away from Tara and the team; to ask for anything more would be selfish. That she’s caused more problems than she’s solved; but in leaving, she will finally be doing something good. Emily knows she’ll never be able to logic her way out of feeling like this. She knows that the only way out is through. Is this how she is going to be forced to spend her last day off: crying through her choices? At least depression is followed by acceptance; isn’t that what Kübler-Ross wrote?

Emily decides that she has no choice but to wallow. She only cries for a few minutes; her tear ducts have never been mass producers. After her eyes dry up, she heads to her kitchen for the essentials: ice cream and a glass of wine. She hasn’t spent a day truly wallowing since she first moved to England: it had been her first true day off and she spent the day holed up in her loft crying over her decision to leave everyone she loves. At least she’s consistent. 

It is early evening when her unexpected nap is interrupted by her doorbell. Emily sits up and groans to herself. She is seriously considering grabbing her gun and just shooting whoever is bothering her this time, especially if it is anyone who was here yesterday. “What?” She snaps as she opens the door roughly. 

“You’ve been crying.” Rossi states as he appraises his surrogate daughter, unphased by her frustration. 

“I’m going to fucking move.” Emily bitches even though she lets the older man enter. “I can’t even have a full week off without half the team showing up at my fucking door. Just waiting for Garcia and Alvez to show up and we’ll be all set. Hell, might as well add Tyler into the mix too so it can be a real party. Not sure why anyone wants to come, there isn’t much to see here.”

“Don’t do yourself any disservices, bella; you’re plenty to see.” Rossi jokes as he sets the few grocery bags he brought with him down in the kitchen. With free hands, he approaches Emily slowly, like one might a scared animal, and pulls her into a hug. “I can’t speak for the others, but I know that I haven’t enjoyed not seeing you all week. That’s why I came. Didn’t want to wait another day. Plus, I brought food to cook for you. I am praying you have cookware.” 

Emily collapses into him, something between a sob and a chuckle breaking out. God, her tears have reloaded since earlier. This is now the second time in just a few months that she has lost it in front of Dave, but she can’t bring herself to actually care. If she has to lose it, at least she knows Dave can’t judge her. 

Dave holds her tightly, hoping that he is letting her know that he has her; he isn’t going to let her fall. He hates seeing any of his kids hurting, but there is just something about Emily that cuts deeper. Maybe it is because she has always loved and supported him as much as he has her, never letting him fall either. He thinks back to his first year working with her, the team insisting to help him with a case that he vowed to solve alone. Why do you care? He had been so dismissive to them up to that point, always refusing to work as a unit. Because you do. Emily had looked him right in the eye as she responded like it was the simplest answer in the world. He’s learned that’s because to her it is. She’s always been everyone’s rock; now it is his turn to solidly be hers. 

“Come on, kid. How about you sit and watch someone actually cook in your kitchen? Spaghetti carbonara alla Rossi makes everyone feel better, and I’ll even let you chop the pancetta. Meanwhile, why don’t you tell me what’s been going on?” Rossi leads Emily to a stool at her breakfast bar.

“Rossi, I appreciate the offer but I don’t need somebody taking care of me.”

Rossi looks up from where he’s been digging in her cabinets. “Look, I’m not going to make you talk to me if you don’t want to. That’s never been how we’ve operated. But you held me up while I was falling apart and you’d have to be a damn fool if you think I’m not going to do the same. In fact, I think it’s always been you telling me that there is no shame in accepting a little help every now and then.” He squats back down before standing triumphantly with a skillet and a pot. He sets them both on the stove before attempting to locate a cutting board and knife. “Besides, it’s like I said earlier. I’m here for entirely selfish reasons: I didn’t want to have to wait another day before seeing you. So I’m bringing back our Sunday dinners.” 

“Dave, we haven’t had regular Sunday dinners since Krystall re-entered your life.” Emily points out but accepts the cooking supplies being handed to her. She starts carefully slicing the pancetta as Dave minces garlic, water already in the pot on the stove to boil. 

“You have salt, right?” Dave ignores how Emily rolls her eyes and follows her pointer finger to the cabinet to the right of the stove. “Gratzi.” Once Dave has all the utensils he needs, he moves around the kitchen with practiced precision. Soon the room is filled with the smell of garlic and pancetta sizzling in the skillet as Rossi adds the pasta to the water. “Will you set the table?” 

“Yes, Dad.” Emily snarks but smiles anyway. Even though they haven’t talked about anything, Emily already feels lighter than she had earlier. Within another 10 minutes, Dave is plating the pasta and Emily is pouring them each a glass of wine. 

Once they are seated, Dave lifts his wine. “To you still being with us!” They both snicker as they cheers before settling down. “Now, I did promise that you don’t have to talk, but I still need to ask. What’s troubling you? I’d have thought that after a week off, you’d be in a better mood. Especially since you just had dinner with Tara a few days ago, and that’s always made you smile.”

“Yesterday was just rough. I had to make some difficult decisions that I haven’t fully accepted yet.” Emily spins the pasta around her fork and avoids eye contact. The whole situation is messy enough and she does not need to bring Rossi into the mix. 

Dave takes a sip of wine as he studies his daughter. Emily’s shoulders are folded in slightly and she is allowing her hair to cover her face. “Maybe you’re having trouble accepting them because they’re not the right thing to do.”

“No, I’m doing the right thing. It might take a minute for everyone to really understand that, but I’m sure this is the right decision.” 

“Are you?”

“Yes!”

“Then why won’t you go into any detail about it?” Dave watches as Emily opens her mouth to rebuttal before frowning. “I think, you know I’ll disagree with whatever you’ve come up with. So instead of just saying it, you’re being deliberately vague.”

“I’m retiring from the FBI. My last day will be at the end of this month.” Emily bites her lip as Dave’s face falls. “It’s time for me to move on. And the higher ups have made it clear that I have no future in being promoted any further up the chain of command.”

“Oh.” Dave sits back in his chair, his hands falling into his lap. “You just had to beat me to the punch, didn’t you?” 

“Well, if I waited for you to retire first, I’d die of old age before I got to leave.” Emily sighs and fiddles with the corner of her napkin. “I know you’re probably disappointed, and I understand.”

“I’m proud of you.” 

Emily’s head snaps up so quickly that she feels a twinge in her spine. “What?”

Dave places a hand over her fidgeting one. “I said, I’m proud of you Emily. I’ve never been able to walk away. I did for a few years, but never for too long. Even though I miss them, I’ve always been proud of the agents who walked away when they were supposed to. Now, I’m really just too stubborn to leave; and I’d have nothing to do.” He catches her eyes with a small smile. “I guess I’ve always been worried that you’d be too much like me and never find something for yourself outside the BAU.”

“If anything, I'm worse than you. At least you have a family.” Emily jokes, but her eyes remain dull. “Now I can devote all my time to my classes instead of to the office.”

“You’re going to be teaching.”

“Yes.”

“You?”

Emily squints at her friend. “I’m starting to feel offended. Is there something so unbelievable about me in a classroom? I am fairly knowledgeable.”

“Of course you are.” Dave soothes with a wink. “I’ve just never pictured you as a professor before. Reid, definitely. Tara, that’s a given. But I guess I’ve always envisioned you knocking heads not filling them.”

“I might do both, we’ll have to wait and see; the semester hasn’t started yet.” Emily lets her whole face light up for a second. Yeah, she’s making the right decision, even if she can already hear Penelope shrieking when the news breaks to the team. One day they’ll understand.

Chapter Text

“So, does anyone know why we are meeting so early? Prentiss didn’t specifically say that we have a case.” Luke leans forward onto the round table with his forearms. “I thought we might have a couple more days grounded after shutting down goldstar.”

“Especially since having you all here means that you are all safe and not almost dying!” Penelope adds and grabs JJ and Tara’s hands from either side of her. “I got used to having coworkers and friends who weren’t constantly in mortal danger. And I didn’t even love them as much as I love you all. Well, most of you. They did still rank above Luke.”

“You can joke all you want but I know you would be absolutely devastated if I so much as got a papercut on the job.” Luke fires back, the smug smile on his face not masking the deep adoration in his eyes.

Penelope cocks her head to wind up for her comeback but is distracted by Rossi and Emily entering the roundtable room. The hacker does not miss how both Tara and JJ tense up nor does she miss how Emily won’t make eye contact with either female profiler; especially since she had noticed how JJ and Tara haven’t spoken to each other all morning. She is seriously considering burning sage in the bullpen to cleanse whatever bad vibes are radiating off of everyone.

Rossi settles into the chair on the other side of Tara, his hands clasped in front of him. Emily remains standing, gripping the chair in front of her. She forces a practiced smile as she only looks at half the team around the table. “Thanks everyone for coming in a little early today. I wanted to be able to talk before my meeting with the director this morning.” She breathes out deeply. “First, I wanted to say great work on the Sicarius and Goldstar cases. I know that the past few months have been hell on us all, but we made it through because everyone really gave it their all. There are still a few last reports to submit, but we should all be able to put this behind us as we move forward. This week will just be remote consultations but then we’ll be right back to it and traveling for cases. Any questions so far?’ Emily pauses to let the others have a chance to speak up. After a beat of silence, she continues. “Now for the main reason for this meeting, and why I wanted to have it before I see the director.” Emily exhales slowly and locks eyes with Rossi for a vote of confidence. “After some serious deliberation, I have decided to retire from the bureau at the end of the month. This means that the team will be getting a new section and unit chief; and hopefully it will be two separate people.”

Penelope’s mouth drops at the news and she looks between everyone at the table. The only person who seems to match her surprise is Luke, whose eyes have gone wide. “What? You’re leaving?” 

Emily nods and blinks to disperse the building tears. “Yes. And this decision doesn’t come lightly. I have absolutely loved working with the team, but I think it is time for a change of pace. I’m not sure I have another abduction in me.” The section chief forces a chuckle. “If you will all excuse me, I need to get a few last minute things put together before my next meeting. I should be back in my office by 11 if you need me.” Not letting anyone have a chance to stop her, Emily turns and walks out of the round table room. She just needs to make it through a couple more weeks, and then she can walk away. She just isn’t sure how to do that when just being in the room with either Tara or JJ makes her want to scream.

Penelope looks around the table again. JJ’s face is unreadable, but veering somewhere close to anger, while Tara looks almost ashamed. The only person besides Emily who seems at peace with the news is Rossi. “Did everyone know besides newbie and me?”

“Wait, how does everyone else know?” Luke asks as he tries to take in his coworkers' expressions.

Rossi raises a brow as he turns to the two female profilers at the table. He had picked up that there was more to the story than Emily told him last night, but now he is wondering exactly who the other players are in the story. “Well, Emily told me last night when we had dinner. But I am also interested in how others know about it. I was under the impression that she had only just made her decision before I got to her house yesterday.”

Tara shifts in her chair and keeps her eyes on the table. She casts a quick glance at JJ, who meets her eyes coldly.

“Well, I’m sure Tara can fill us all in about Emily’s decision.” JJ snips, her words causing three sets of eyes to quickly move from her to the forensic psychologist.

Tara’s head snaps up and her face hardens. “Don’t even start, Jen. You’ve played a prominent part in all of this too.” Tara stands up quickly and walks out of the room, headed straight for Emily’s office. 

JJ huffs and stalks out the other door towards the bullpen, leaving three very confused people in her wake.

“Okay, what am I missing?” Luke asks, his eyes locked on Penelope.

The technical analyst squeaks and looks away. “I definitely don’t know anything and even if I had any possible information, I wouldn’t be able to say anything because I would never want to betray anyone’s trust. So you can not ask me any questions. Since I don’t know anything about any potential interpersonal relationship dynamics and how they might be changing. And I certainly don’t know anything about feelings that were once repressed now being out in the open. If I knew something of that nature, it could maybe explain some things that are happening right now. But I don’t, so it doesn’t.”

“Right…” Rossi nods as he leans to watch Tara enter Emily’s office through the window.

Emily looks up at the sound of her door opening and sees Tara staring at her. She sets down the report she was scanning. “Is there something I can help you with? I’m just grabbing my things for my meeting.”

“Emily…” Tara falters, her brain racing faster than she can put words together. 

“Is this work related?”

“We need to talk.”

“If it’s not about a serial killer, I do not have time at the moment.” Emily finishes putting her folder together and takes a few steps towards the door (and Tara). 

“Then can we talk tonight? I mean, you’ve barely spoken two words to me since Friday. You can’t expect me to just ignore everything and walk away.” Tara reaches out to touch Emily’s arm but the section chief takes a step back.

Emily bites the inside of her lip. She just has to make it through the next couple of weeks. Just a couple of weeks and she’ll be able to walk away and not look back. She can disappear; and she will, if that’s what it takes to keep the team whole. “I’m running late. And I still need your after action report. I’m sure I’ll find that completed by the time I return?” Emily side steps Tara and gets to the door, turning ever so slightly. “And I believe there are a few consultations sitting in your inbox. Enough to fill your day, I think. Be sure to reach out with any work related questions, Dr. Lewis.” With that, Emily rolls her shoulders back and heads across the bullpen towards the elevators, passing JJ without a word or glance.

Tara watches her boss leave the office and resists hitting her head against the door frame. Why did she think it would be easy? Penelope is right: if Tara has any hope of being with Emily, she is going to have to commit to the long fight and will have to keep showing up. The psychologist rolls her eyes. She’s never been one to just give up; but she doesn’t know if she has ever faced a challenge as difficult as Emily Prentiss. She’ll do it though; she’s already lost three years because she didn’t fight. She’s not going to lose anymore. With a renewed resolve, Tara heads back to her desk. She’ll get her work done like she always has and then she will get Emily to talk to her.

JJ looks across the bullpen at her coworker as Tara settles in at her workstation. JJ hasn’t been able to accept all of the changes happening around her. She spent all of Sunday grappling with what Will had told her on Saturday. She is sure that he is wrong. There is no way that Jennifer Jareau is in love with Emily Prentiss. The entire notion is ridiculous. They are friends; close friends for sure, but nothing more. No, the only reason JJ cares so much is because she doesn’t want their team to be broken. And that is exactly what is happening. Emily is leaving the team to be with Tara. Now they will have two new bosses and who knows how that will affect everything. Will Rossi retire too now that someone younger than him has? Will the brass finally make good on their continuous threat to split up the team and divide profilers across multiple departments? This is what JJ has been fighting against happening this whole time. She doesn’t care if Emily is in love with someone. Sure, she’ll want to make sure that person is good enough for her friend, but she is like that with everyone. Why can’t Emily be in love with anyone other than Tara? Just with someone not on the team, is that too much to ask? Why are both Tara and Emily so okay with ruining everything? JJ feels the frustration building in her stomach again. 

“I’m sure you’re feeling pretty happy right about now.” JJ all but spits towards her coworker, causing Tara to snap her head up.

Tara narrows her eyes at the other profiler, ignoring Luke’s look of confusion coming towards her from his desk. “Yes, because this is what I look like when I’m jumping for joy.” She scoffs and drops her pen on the file she was focused on. “Why would I be happy about this entire mess?”

“You got what you wanted. Hell, you could even be promoted in the process. I hope it won’t be too awkward working with Rebecca now.” Once again, JJ feels out of control. Her words are flowing out of her before she can even process what they are. But she can barely care. The team is falling apart and it is all Tara’s fault. 

“I’m not talking about this at work. And you should stop talking about things you know nothing about. I don’t know why you are acting like I have any part of this. I’m on the outside of everything. You’ve certainly done everything you can to ensure that.”

“What are you two talking about?” Luke starts to ask but shrinks under the heated glares he receives from both other profilers.

“Emily is leaving because of you.” JJ snaps, loud enough to draw attention from some of the other agents in the bullpen.

Tara sighs. Great, now this will be the talk of the entire unit; maybe the whole department. “From my understanding, this decision has been coming for a while. And I think your jealous rages have done more to push Emily away than anything else. Or do you think that your words have had no impact in shattering her ego?”

“I’m not jealous. I was only ever trying to get her to see how her actions impact the team.”

“Because that’s all she is to you: a part of the team? She has no agency outside of this job. How dehumanizing is that? God Jen, I think that is actually worse than you just being jealous. You’re really just excellent at this whole friend thing.” Tara turns back to her computer and the file in front of her. “Now, if you excuse me. I have some work to get done.”

Before JJ can respond, she catches Rossi motioning for her to come up to his office. She sighs and heads up, unable to get the feeling of being the kid sent to the principal’s office out of her head.

“Jennifer, why don’t you have a seat?” Rossi motions to the couch in his office when the blonde gets to his door. JJ nods and sits, watching the older agent settle into the chair next to her. “Penny for your thoughts.”

“Thoughts on what?” JJ bounces back, already boxing up everything that had come out in the bullpen.

Rossi shrugs. “On anything. You seem a little upset with Tara. Maybe over something to do with Prentiss’ decision to leave.”

JJ schools her face; she’s spent years learning how to keep things from the profilers she works with. “I mean, I can’t say I’m happy with Emily’s decision. I think it’s the wrong thing to do.”

“Wrong for who? Because I think you and I can both agree that this job has been especially taxing on our unit chief, maybe more so this past year than before.” Rossi strokes his chin. “Of course change is never easy. But even Garcia seems to be handling this announcement better than you are. And you are usually the one who handles change the best.”

“For all you know, Pen is setting up a trap next door to permanently lock Em in her office so she can’t go anywhere.”

Dave cracks a smile. “I think we would’ve heard a crash or something. And I think that her time away from the BAU has helped her appreciate the art of walking away when the time is right. So that brings us back to you.”

JJ crosses her legs and stares down her friend. “What are you trying to say?”

“Nothing, nothing. Merely stating my observations.” Rossi touches his fingers together and points them down. “Why do you think Tara is in any way connected to Prentiss’ departure?”

“This has been a good chat Dave, but I need to go work on my consultations.” JJ smiles tightly and moves towards the door.

“You can’t hold onto what if’s and could’ve been’s, kid. Sometimes you have to live and let die.” Rossi calls after the blonde.

JJ just shakes her head as she leaves. “The song’s alright, but you’re getting a little cliche.” She jokes before heading back to her desk. She settles into work and keeps her head down. JJ cannot afford to lose her cool at work. Whatever is going on, it’ll just have to be dealt with after hours.

The morning passes without any more drama between the agents in the bullpen. Emily does return to her office just before noon with no fanfare and a slight nod towards Alvez. Tara works her way through her tasks: the after action report taking little to no time to complete but the two consultations are proving to be more taxing. One of the cases already has a suspect in custody, the local department just requesting a profile to complete the arrest. Tara is hitting a wall with that profile and is considering asking Luke or Dave for a second set of eyes when approaching footsteps catch her attention. She looks up in surprise at the person in front of her desk. “Hey you.” She greets with a soft smile. “I didn’t know you’re at Quantico today. I thought you had some meetings in the district this morning.”

Rebecca smiles at her girlfriend, at least she is pretty sure that is still the right moniker. “I did, but those were earlier. I was called in here for a meeting but that has been postponed for a couple of hours. So, I’m hoping if you aren’t too busy, I can steal you for lunch? I’m starving and hate going to the cafeteria alone, besides I know you always forget to eat.”

“Oh!” Tara’s smile brightens. Food does sound great to her and she has missed Rebecca the last couple of days. “I’ll have to check to make sure it’s okay, but I don’t see why it wouldn’t be. I’ll be right back, okay?” She waits for Rebecca’s nod before heading up to Emily’s office, after action report in hand. She knocks on the door and waits.

“Come in.” Emily calls, her glasses perched on her nose. She signs her name at the bottom of the page and glances up. “What can I help you with?” Her voice comes out steady despite her stomach dropping at the sight of the agent in her doorway. She is praying that Tara is just here to ask about something regarding the job because she does not have it in her to fight. The meeting with the director did not go as she hoped it would and Emily is feeling every passing second until she can go home and rest. 

“I have my report from the gold star case.” Tara holds up the folder in her right hand, her eyes scanning her boss’ face. She doesn’t know what, but something else is suddenly weighing on Emily. She wishes more than anything that the section chief would confide in her, lean on her, but she knows that is a wild dream.

“Great, you can just set it here.” Emily motions to a pile of files to her left. “How are the consultations coming?”

Tara crosses the office quickly to drop off the file. “They are coming alright. I think I’m going to ask one of the guys to look over the one I’m working on now. There is something I’m missing and I don’t know what. It’s probably glaringly obvious and I’m just overlooking it.”

“Well, if I can support in any way, let me know.” Emily presses her lips together in a tight smile and turns back to her work. When Tara doesn’t leave after that dismissal, Emily looks back up, an eyebrow arched. “Unless, there’s something else?” She asks in a cold enough tone to remind Tara of her earlier boundary of nothing personal at work.

“Right, um,” Tara wipes her hands on her pants. She normally does not feel this nervous, especially not around Emily, who has been a calming presence since they first met. “Rebecca is here and asked if she could steal me for a quick lunch. I’m hoping that’s okay since we’re not working any active cases at the moment. I shouldn’t be gone for more than 45 minutes.”

Emily’s stomach drops even deeper in her chest. Rebecca wants to take Tara to lunch, a completely normal thing for people who are dating to do. And the two of them are still dating, something Emily made sure of when she kicked them out of her place on Saturday. She just has to remember that she is making the right choice. No matter how much it hurts, this is for the good of the team. “Of course, that’s not a problem at all. Maybe you can mention to the rest of the team that they should take advantage of the chance to get lunch while they have it on your way out.”

“Will do.” Tara turns around with a sigh. She knows that she shouldn’t’ve expected anything different. If there is one thing Emily has always been, it is professional. But a small part of her wants to see something crack in her boss’ facade, even if it is just a flash of jealousy across her deep brown eyes. Is it so wrong of her to hope that Emily is as broken up about all of this as she is?

Rebecca leans against Tara’s desk and checks her emails as she waits on her girlfriend. Maybe she is being a little petty in coming here and seemingly staking her claim, so to speak; but if there is one thing she knows, it is that she is determined to not let Tara walk away. Sometimes she wonders how this battle of wills between the three most stubborn women in the world is going to play out. Actually, that has been all she has thought about all weekend. 

“Rebecca?” JJ asks as she walks back in from talking to Penelope briefly about the case she is looking over.

“JJ.” The lawyer responds as cordially as possible. She left Emily’s on Saturday no longer mad at either Tara or Emily, but after everything she heard, she developed some frustrations towards the blonde profiler. “How’s your day going?”

“Um, what are you doing here?” JJ ignores the pleasantry. She looks around for Tara and finally spots her standing rather nervously through Emily’s office window. 

Rebecca fights the urge to roll her eyes at the other woman’s bluntness. “I am hoping to grab Tara for lunch since you are all actually in the office today. She’s just clearing that plan now.” She looks up the risers to see her girlfriend heading their way. “And it looks like we are good to go. See you around.” She smiles up at Tara. “Ready?”

“Yeah, let me just grab my badge and gun.” Tara unlocks the top drawer of her desk and collects her hardware. She ignores JJ’s questioning look as she rounds back to Rebecca’s side. “Oh Luke, by the way, Em says to take advantage of having a lunch while you can. Maybe you can grab something for you and Garcia and Rossi.” She takes a couple of steps forward before adding: “Oh, and JJ too of course. But I wouldn’t want to make someone else’s decision for them.” She knows it is petty but that doesn’t stop the small spark of satisfaction she feels when she sees the blonde’s indignation in the reflection on the glass doors.

Rebecca turns to Tara as the elevator’s doors close. “Did that feel good?”

“Hmm?” Tara hums innocently.

The lawyer rolls her eyes. “It’s okay to be angry, you know? At the situation, at JJ, at Emily, at me.”

“At you? Why would I be angry with you?” 

“For falling in love with you when I knew that you were in love with someone else.” Rebecca shrugs. “I’m mad at all of the aforementioned. And at you. Even if I know it’s not fair.”

Tara turns to look at her girlfriend and begins to ask for clarification when the elevator opens to the first floor. Rebecca gets off and immediately starts towards the cafeteria, before stopping and going back to nudge a still stuck Tara. They walk in silence as they get their food and find a table. Once settled, Rebecca motions for Tara to ask her questions.

“What do you mean you knew I was in love with Emily?” 

“Well, I didn’t know it was Emily at first.” Rebecca opens her salad and pours dressing over it, before closing the container again and shaking it. “It was a little obvious that you were hung up on someone. It honestly wasn’t until I first saw you and Emily together that I figured out who it was. But by that point, I was already head over heels for you. I think that is part of why I got so mad about the Silvio Herrero case, because it felt like you were picking Emily over me. And then I felt so foolish for thinking like that, as if there was some kind of competition for your heart. But now, here we are.”

“I never meant for it to–”

Rebecca puts her hand up to stop Tara. “I know, I’m sorry. I didn’t ask you to lunch to make you feel bad. I just wanted to see you. Maybe check in with where you’re at, but mostly just see you. I’ve missed you, as stupid as that sounds. How often do you travel for work and yet just two nights without you…something about you being in the same city but not next to me, I guess.”

Tara reaches out and grabs Rebecca’s hand. She can feel the pressure building behind her eyes but she pushes the tears down. “I’ve missed you too. I’m really happy you found me today.” She sighs and rubs her thumb over the back of Rebecca’s hand. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and I have been trying to get more in touch with my emotions. And I actually wanted to talk to you first before I talk with Emily.” 

“Oh.” Rebecca pulls her hand back and tucks into herself. “Listen, I understand. Obviously, this isn’t what I was hoping for but I respect your decision. Maybe after some time, we can be friends.”

“I’m not trying to break up with you.” Tara looks pointedly across the table. “It’s actually the opposite. Well, maybe not the opposite. I don’t really know how to explain it. I was talking to Penelope and then doing some research.”

“Just say it and stop beating around the bush, please.”

“I wanna date you both.” Tara blurts out before wincing. “I don’t want to have to make a decision. I was reading a book on polyamory and I think that if we work on our communication, it can work well for us. But I needed to talk to you first about this because Emily is in full pull away mode and I think you and I will need to be a united front if we hope to get through to her.” 

“I’m sorry, what?” Rebecca drops her fork into her salad and stares speechless at her girlfriend for a minute. “I don’t think I’m okay with that. What would that even look like? We live together, Tara. Are you going to also live with her? Like we have some kind of joint custody of you? And what about work? I already have caught flack for being with you. How is it going to look and work for me to be dating you and for you to also be dating your boss? I mean, seriously. And you thought I’d just be on board with this?”

Tara pinches the bridge of her nose; she knew that she should’ve practiced this conversation more. “I know this is a lot. Will you think about it? I can give you the book I read.” She pushes air through her lips. “And, at least on the job part, Emily is leaving. She officially announced it to the team this morning. So you don’t have to worry about those optics. As for everything else, that’ll be up to the three of us to talk about. It’s going to be different, that’s a given. You and I are established, whereas I would just be starting to see Emily. I don’t want to move out of our place. I don’t want to leave you.”

“But you will, if I’m not okay with this. That’s what this is. You want this to be the solution because if it comes down to it, you’ll choose Emily. Because it’s always been her.” Rebecca blinks away the building tears and tries to focus on her anger over her grief. 

“Rebecca…” Tara falters. Is that what this is? Has she just been looking for a way to not break up with Rebecca? Has Emily always been the answer? That doesn’t feel right, but it doesn’t feel incorrect either. 

“I need to go. I have some things I need to finish before my meeting this afternoon.” Rebecca closes the lid of the salad she only took maybe three bites of. She’s not really all that hungry anyway. 

“Babe,” Tara hates how her voice cracks but she doesn’t know what to say. She doesn’t know how to explain what she is feeling. She doesn’t know how to explain that she will never be able to choose one over the other.

Rebecca stops for a second. She hates that she is willing to even consider this, but losing Tara feels like losing a piece of herself. “I’ll think about what you’ve said. We’ll talk later.” She gives her a quick peck on the cheek and then hurries back to the elevator. 

Tara curses under her breath. She needs to get better at expressing herself; but then, she’s always been so good at putting her own things to the side for others. This whole situation makes her feel so selfish. And why shouldn’t it? After all, she already has one amazing girlfriend; isn’t it greedy to want another? She shakes her head. She will not be able to solve everything right now. Instead, she gets up and throws away her trash before buying a sandwich for Emily, knowing the section chief is not going to heed her own advice.

Chapter Text

Rebecca walks into the conference room and tries to put on her best mask. She guesses that she shouldn’t really be surprised. After all, if Tara just wanted to be with her, none of this would be happening. Emily would’ve confessed her feelings and that would’ve been all. Of course, that isn’t what happened, because Rebecca has never been that lucky with love. She thought she had finally found it with Tara, that all consuming love; that’s at least how she feels. She’s foolish for thinking that love could be returned. She meant what she said in the elevator; she’s mad at herself too. She let this happen; she fell too hard, she always does. But none of that matters at the moment. She has a meeting with the AG and the director of the FBI. Her relationship can fall apart around her but she can’t let that affect her job. At least she doesn’t have to see anyone connected to her drama for the rest of the day.

“Rebecca? You were called in for this too?” Emily breaks the lawyer out of her thoughts. “I know this is about prosecuting Voit but I didn’t think you would be involved in this step.”

Rebecca curses herself for jinxing it; of course Emily is in this meeting. “If I’m honest, I wasn’t given much information about this meeting. I didn’t even know it was about the Sicarius case.” She takes the seat next to Emily so that she isn’t in between the AG and director when they arrive. “So, I heard you made it official that you’re leaving. I’m a little surprised after everything that happened Saturday. I assumed you’d’ve changed your mind.”

Emily side-eyes the lawyer with a wry smile. “Didn’t change my mind. That decision was made pretty early on during my week off. But it isn’t quite official yet. The director said he wouldn’t accept anything from me until after this meeting. Rather ominous, don’t you think?” Emily finishes with a little wiggle of her shoulders.

The lawyer can’t help but chuckle at the affect in Emily’s voice. “So is your resignation letter hiding in that binder?”

“Oh, definitely. The second this meeting is concluded, I’m sliding it across the table. I don’t know what he thinks will change, but I know it won’t be my mind.” Emily chuckles as she watches the door. “You’d think after springing this meeting on us last minute and postponing it, the least they could do is be on time.”

“Well, to paraphrase Julie Andrews: ‘The AG is never late, everyone else is simply early.’” 

Emily scrunches her face in confusion. “Aren’t you a little old to be quoting the Princess Diaries ? I know you’re younger than I am, but I didn’t think you were that young.”

Rebecca laughs. “You got the reference, so clearly you can’t be one to judge. And I have younger cousins. What’s your excuse?”

“Touché.” Emily shakes her head, amused at how easy this feels. She’s been worried about it being painful to work with everyone over the next few weeks. “It was a Garcia pick for girl’s night once. Because, quote: ‘It’s Hathaway and Andrews, what more could you want?’ And what can I say, she was right.” 

Their laughter and conversation is cut off by Director Madison entering, his demeanor cold and unwavering. “Davis isn’t here yet? I do not have time to wait.” He sits down at the table and leans back. “Prentiss, Wilson.” He greets both women with a nod. “If AG Davis isn’t here in the next minute or so, I’m starting without her. My schedule was already thrown off enough by her postponing.”

“Calm down, Madison. This won’t take long. And I did tell you that your attendance was optional.” Louise Davis walks with the full authority of her position. When she enters, Rebecca straightens her posture, almost imperceptibly, but Emily notices it. The section chief has to repress the urge to grab the lawyer’s hand to pass along support. 

Madison frowns. “Well, things changed this morning. I thought it important to be here.” He looks directly over at Prentiss, who raises a brow in return.

“Well, I’ll get right down to it. There has been a hiccup in the trial of Voit.” AG Davis doesn’t bother to sit, but rather stare at the other two women in the room.

Rebecca glances over at Emily, whose face is stoic but Rebecca can see the confusion in the section chief’s eyes. “I guess I’ll ask. What does that mean? We’ve already given him a better deal than he ever deserved.”

“Elias Voit killed two men in prison after they attacked him. He was stabbed in the attack.” Director Madison supplies. “He’s dead.”

Prentiss releases the breath she’d been holding. “Do we know anything about the men who attacked him? Because he shouldn’t’ve been targeted. He was in there under his birth name: Lee Duval. No one should’ve known who he was or why he was arrested.” 

“You’re right. The only people who know are him, his lawyer, the four of us, and the BAU.” Madison folds his hands in front of himself and leans forward on the table. “And then Section Chief Prentiss, you just decide to resign the day after.”

“What are you saying?” Emily challenges, her shoulders rolling reflexively back. 

AG Davis shakes her head at the director. “We are not suggesting anything…yet. But there will be an investigation into his death, and your unit will be under the microscope.”

“You will also be investigated.” Madison clarifies. “After all, you did make it clear how much you disagreed with the decision to make a deal with Voit. And there are rumors that you called for him to be taken out in Iowa. Certainly seems like you won’t be losing much sleep over his death.”

“Respectfully, sir , I don’t think even his own children will lose sleep over his death.” Emily spits out the title like a slur. “I did disagree with the deal we made, it never should have happened. But it was not my decision to make. And you can investigate my team and me all you like; you’re not going to find anything. We handled this case like any other case and we did our job: which was to build a profile and apprehend the suspect. We are not the judge nor the jury, and we only play executioner when we are absolutely forced to in the field. My decision to resign has been a long time coming; I was just waiting to wrap up the gold star investigation before I left.”

“And I’m sure our investigation will show just that, but I think you can agree that until it is concluded, it would look best for both yourself and the bureau if you hold off your resignation.” AG Davis interjects. 

Emily grits her teeth. “Of course, I understand. How should I expect this to affect my team’s ability to do their jobs?”

“If we need to speak to anyone more in depth, we will try to work our way through them one at a time, so that as few team members are affected as possible.” Director Madison answers. “As I understand it, there are only a couple people of interest; the majority of the team has already been cleared of having any involvement.”

“That’s an awfully fast turn around for something that only happened yesterday.” Prentiss raises one of her eyebrows, biting her tongue from saying what she is actually thinking.

Madison stands up and smooths his jacket. “What can I say, they didn’t fit the profile.” He nods to the AG. “I think that concludes everything we needed to discuss.”

“One last thing,” AG Davis turns to look at Rebecca. “The internal investigation into this incident will need a full report from the liaison with the DOJ. I’ve assured them that they’ll have your full cooperation. And Ms. Wilson, since you were acting as the prosecutor on the Sicarius case, you’ll also be the prosecutor if there is any evidence of misconduct in the BAU. That won’t be an issue, will it?”

Rebecca’s eyes widen and she looks around the room. Emily is in full fortress Prentiss mode and staring down the lawyer. “No,” She clears her voice after it cracks. “Of course it won’t be an issue.”

“Good. I hope you both have a good rest of your day.” Davis gives a half smile and turns to leave the room with Madison. 

Emily gives the two of them a minute to leave before grabbing her things and swiftly leaving the conference room without another glance or word to Rebecca. She heads directly for the staircase and all but runs up to the roof. “Fuck!” She shouts as she slams her folder down on the ledge of the roof. She grabs the cigarette and lighter from her pocket that she keeps on her for moments like this.

Rebecca quietly steps out onto the roof moments after the section chief. She watches smoke billow away in the wind. “Did you have anything to do with this?”

If Emily is surprised by the lawyer joining her, she doesn’t show it. “Go to hell.” She bites back without turning around.

“I can’t protect you if you don’t talk to me. This is serious.” Rebecca walks up to lean against the wall next to Emily. 

“I don’t need your protection.” Emily takes another long drag from the cigarette, the fleeting thought of just jumping over the edge passing through her mind. She doesn’t want to kill herself, but she does wonder if for a moment the fall will feel like flying, like freedom.

Rebecca scoffs and rubs both hands down her face. “Right, cause you’re big, bad Emily Prentiss and you don’t need anything. You don’t need help, or friends, or family, or Tara. When are you going to accept that you’re not invincible? That one day you are going to die and not come back to life? When are you going to realize that you do need help except there isn’t anybody left to ask because you’ve isolated yourself beyond return.”

Emily sucks in sharply around her cigarette and fights back all of her tears. Rebecca’s words sting worse than when the lawyer had actually slapped her. “What do you want from me? Shouldn’t you be happy about all of this? This is surely launching you towards being an assistant AG. Prosecuting the corrupt section chief who took justice into her own hands; it makes for a hell of a headline.”

“We both know you are completely innocent and Madison just has it out for you because he knows you almost got his job back in the day. He’s threatened by you, plain and simple.” 

“How do you–”

Rebecca waves away Emily’s question. “I looked into you when I realized that Tara was in love with you. And I learned that what I initially thought was foolish blind loyalty to the BAU and to you on the part of Tara and the others was earned, repeatedly. I actually found out that Tara had in fact under sold you, which I didn’t think was possible. Shooting yourself in the foot to stand by your agents is admirable, and you did it multiple times.” The lawyer sighs and slumps down on one of the electrical boxes. “It really would be so much easier if I could just hate you, or better yet, be completely apathetic to you; but I’ve really not been able to do anything but admire you, until recently. And not even because you have feelings for Tara, because she’s amazing and it would make sense to me if everyone is absolutely in love with her. It’s because what I always thought was selflessness on your part is actually just self sabotage. You’re not jumping in front of the loaded gun because you’re a saint, you’re doing it because you don’t believe you deserve any of what you have. Or, you don’t believe you deserve anything good. So you repeatedly look for ways to pay for whatever insane sins you think you’ve committed.”

Emily drops her smoke in surprise; no one has ever read her so easily; especially not someone who is practically a stranger. “I don’t know what you think you know about me, but–”

“But I’m wrong? Can you actually look me in my eyes and tell me that?” Rebecca challenges the section chief. “Don’t look so surprised, you don’t have to be a profiler to know things about people. You, Tara, me, we’re all cut from the same guilt-ridden cloth. I might not know why you feel like this, but I can recognize it a mile away. And I’m not going to let you get burned in this proverbial witch-hunt, especially since I would officially be your accuser.”

Emily picks at her right thumb’s cuticle. “But I did order for him to be taken out…in Iowa. I told Dave that if Voit even stepped wrong to shoot him. I let that son of a bitch get in my head and I sacrificed my morals. Maybe I didn’t order it this time but that doesn’t absolve me.”

“You’re right. You have committed the most outrageous sin:” Rebecca gasps sarcastically. “Being human. God forbid you let that show.” The lawyer pulls Emily to turn to look her in the eye. “Of course you made that order. Anyone in their right mind would’ve. Voit was smart and probably did have something planned to escape if you didn’t have him as tightly watched as you did. Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if the whole attack wasn’t some kind of elaborate escape plan gone wrong. Maybe others are okay with accepting your sacrifices for their own gain, but I’m not.” Rebecca reaches up to brush away a tear from the section chief’s face. “Come on, sit for a second and catch your breath.” She leads Emily to the electrical box and sits her down, making them both eye level.

Emily breathes deeply, trying to settle the inner shakiness. She hasn’t felt so raw and vulnerable since the first time she broke down in Rossi’s arms, and that was at least with Dave. This feels more like when she cried to the nurse she first saw when she woke up after her confrontation with Doyle: fully on display and begging for the kindness of a stranger. Except Rebecca isn’t a stranger, and that makes this feel so much worse, because Emily knows that they will see each other again and again. She has to trust in the kindness of someone she has always seen at least on some level as a rival. “Why are you doing this?” Emily asks, looking down at where their hands are still connected.

Rebecca blushes and lets go of Emily’s hand, taking a step back as she does. “Well, I’d like to say it’s because I’m such a good person. Or that maybe I also am a black-belt in self sabotage. But I don’t think either of those are fully the truth.” She rolls her eyes and shakes her head. “Honestly, I’m not even really sure why I followed you up here. I know the first words out of my mouth were an accusation but I never thought you’d had any part of this. So, we can just blame it on I love Tara and Tara loves you and I don’t think she would appreciate me not checking on you.” 

Emily can’t hold back the snort that erupts from her. She bites her lip to stop herself from laughing but to no avail. “God, what is this, some type of bad soap-opera? The scorned lover takes care of the other woman at her own expense.”

Rebecca chortles, her mind already filling in the scene. “Well, it’s important to keep my character as sympathetic as possible. Early testing showed that the audience wasn’t connecting with the career driven wife.”

“As long as it’s not all an act to get close to me to take me out of the picture.” Emily warns, already feeling much more centered.

“I would never!” Rebecca clutches her imaginary pearls. “But what’s this glinting in the moonlight behind my back as the camera pans away? How did a knife get in my hand?” Both women lock eyes before losing it, tears building back up in their eyes.

Emily shakes her head as her chuckle dims. “If you ever go on tour, I’ll buy front row tickets to your show.” She mimes the header at the theater: “Comedian Lawyer: Defending Your Right to Humor.”

“I like it. If this whole thing with the DOJ doesn’t work out, I’m stealing that. And you won’t have to buy tickets, you’ll get them for free of course.” Rebecca lightly punches Emily’s upper arm. “Not front row, though. Probably lower balcony at best, but what can I say? The show sold out faster than expected.”

“Could be worse, I suppose. At least I don’t have to watch illegally recorded clips posted online that may or may not give my computer a virus that not even Garcia can fix.” 

“Sounds like you speak from experience.”

Emily holds her hands up in surrender as she stands. “I plead the fifth and also that it is hard to get a night off and I really wanted to see My Fair Lady at the Kennedy Center in 2019.” She grabs her binder and straightens her jacket to the soundtrack of Rebecca’s laugh. Emily breathes out deeply. “And now to go call another meeting with my team. Fuck.”

Rebecca bites her lip. “Didn’t you tell me that you had to go and check-in with Domestic Terrorism following the Gold-Star case and that that would take up the rest of your day, meaning that you probably won’t get back to your office until after the rest of the team leaves for the night?”

Emily whips her head around at the lawyer, not even trying to mask the confusion she is feeling. “What are you talking about?”

“I’m sure you did, so I can go down to the sixth floor and talk to the BAU. You know, because I’m sure you don’t want to put this conversation off until tomorrow. And I was in the meeting too so I have all the same information that you have.” Rebecca holds open the door to the stairs for Emily. “Yeah, you said you had that meeting scheduled with them in the same conference room we were just in. You blocked out use of that room until 6 tonight, just in case.”

Emily sighs. “Rebecca, I can’t ask you to do that for me. I’m a big girl and can have this super awful and uncomfortable conversation myself. But I really do appreciate it.” Emily leans against the wall in the stairwell, still delaying her descent despite her words.

“Obviously you can, I would be a fool to doubt the great Emily Prentiss.” Rebecca ignores Emily’s scoff. “Accept help, for just this once. After today, you can go back to being Miss Independent, but I think you’ve dealt with enough for it just being a paperwork day.”

Emily assents and squeezes Rebecca’s hand in gratitude. Maybe this is a soap opera and Rebecca is hiding a knife behind her back, but Emily is too tired of never trusting anyone. For today, and probably today alone, she will accept kindness and help from someone else. 

The two of them walk down to the ninth floor together before separating and Rebecca continuing down to the sixth floor. The lawyer rolls her shoulders back and struts into the bullpen. Penelope is working on her laptop at JJ’s desk while Luke is looking over a file with Tara. All four of the agents look up as she enters, the full spectrum of human emotion splayed across their reactions.

“Rebecca! To what do we owe this surprise appearance?” Garcia bubbles, trying to mask her obvious confusion. 

It makes sense to Rebecca. The technical analyst is probably up to date about the drama given that Tara is currently staying with her. “I need to talk to you.”

“To me?” Penelope points to herself, her brow furrowing. 

“To all of you. Right now. Is Rossi here?” Rebecca doesn’t actually wait for a response and heads for the round table room. Maybe she underestimated how awkward this would feel when she offered to do this for Prentiss. 

The agents in the bullpen exchange confused looks before following, JJ taking the long way to grab Dave. Rebecca shuts the doors behind the agents before joining them at the table, standing rather than sitting. 

“I just came from a meeting with the Director and the AG. Something has come up in the Sicarius case that involves everyone.” Rebecca starts, hoping that she looks more put together than she feels.

“Where’s Prentiss?” Dave asks, leaning back in his chair. He can already feel the gravity of whatever this conversation is going to be.

Rebecca tries to not twist her hands together from her nerves. If she’s learned anything in the last year, it is to never give anything away in your body language when working with profilers. “She was in the meeting with me but said she had another meeting to get to, so she asked for me to update the team.”

“She asked for your help?” JJ asks skeptically. 

“Yes.” Rebecca lets herself go into full court mode and stares at the profiler coldly. “This couldn’t wait and I was in the meeting as well. Now, if there is nothing else, it would be good to continue.” The lawyer manages to suppress her smile at the way JJ shrinks back like a scolded teenager. “Voit was attacked in prison.” The team erupts in exclamations but Rebecca silences them with her hands. “I don’t have all of the details. The most I’ve gleaned is that he was jumped by at least two other inmates, both of whom he managed to kill. But he was stabbed in the process. There were complications in the surgery and he died.”

“Sicarius is dead?” Luke asks incredulously. “We went through all of that with him and it takes less than a month in prison.”

“What prompted the attack?” Tara adds. “Part of his deal was that he would be processed under his birth name so that no one would know who he is.”

“How did he kill two other inmates if they jumped him?” Penelope asks, looking around the table to see if anyone else is stuck at that.

Neither JJ nor Dave have any follow up questions, but JJ’s shoulders seem notably lighter at the news of Voit’s demise. The blonde is hoping that this means she is finally free of BAUGate once and for all.

“I don’t have answers to any of those questions.” Rebecca sighs. “Emily and I were just given the Sparknotes version.”

“So what haven’t you told us yet?” Dave finally speaks up. “That bastard being dead isn’t exactly time sensitive. In fact, it could’ve been an email. Maybe sent with some of that animated confetti that Garcia is so fond of.” 

The team once again focuses on Rebecca. “You’re right. There is more. And again, I don’t have all of the details.” She releases the breath she was holding before looking at each person sitting around the table. “There is reason to believe that this was a hit; the main one being what Tara brought up. He was in minimum security, not surrounded by other killers and under a name that no one would’ve been able to connect to the Sicarius case unless they had inside knowledge. And the people who had that knowledge are a very short list.”

“We’re under investigation.” Dave puts succinctly, causing Penelope to gasp.

“Yes, you are. Over the next few weeks, you should all expect to be pulled by OPI to answer questions. Some of you seem to have already been cleared, but as for who, I don’t know quite yet. Madison said they quote ‘just didn’t fit the profile’ end quote.” Rebecca lets that news settle for a moment. “There is someone who they seem more focused on than everyone else.”

“Emily.” Tara supplies, sighing when she sees the confirmation on her girlfriend’s face. This revelation causes the table to groan. “Of course they are going after her, it’s that time of year again. You’d think her resignation would’ve gotten them off her back.”

Rebecca grimaces at that assumption. “The opposite, actually. Madison seemed to take it as an admission of guilt. The AG has advised that Agent Prentiss holds off on leaving the bureau until after the internal investigation concludes. So for the time being, she will remain your section and unit chief. It could be a few months before she is able to retire.”

Rossi shakes his head. Of course this is happening to Emily, she never has been spared. “What could they possibly have on Prentiss? Or on any of us? Do they actually have anything connecting us to the assault?”

“Not as far as I’m aware.” Rebecca meets the older man’s eyes, surprised at the depth of sorrow in them. “I think this is a witch hunt with Madison playing the role of Hopkins.”

Four of the five other people at the table raise a brow at the niche reference. “Matthew Hopkins was the Witchfinder General in the English witch hunts.” Tara supplies. “We watched a docuseries on it a few weeks ago.”

“Yes, sorry for the off-topic trivia fact.” Rebecca apologizes. 

“It’s fine. Makes me miss the kid.” Rossi smiles at the thought of Reid. “So, are we expected to act like all is business as usual while they are preparing the stake to be burned at?”

The lawyer cracks a wry smile. “Yes. You’ll still have cases, the load just might be heavier on the people they already know are not involved. My guess, they’ll be keeping anyone they suspect on a short leash.”

“All the better to hang us by.” Rossi pushes away from the table. “Thank you for letting us know. Sounds like we should enjoy this single day of respite before the storm blows in. No one should stay here late tonight.” He nods towards Rebecca before heading back to his office, the slump in his shoulders noticeable. This is just another thing weighing on the old man. 

Luke and Penelope walk out next; Luke squeezing the technical analyst’s shoulder in support. JJ and Tara remain in their seats, both looking at Rebecca for more answers. The lawyer doesn’t know what to say; she’s already told them everything she knows. She is about to just leave herself before JJ’s voice stops her.

“Where is Emily? Really.” The blonde leans forward onto her forearms. “Is she really too ashamed to face us all that she sent you to tell us? I didn’t expect her to be that much of a coward.”

Rebecca narrows her eyes at the profiler. If there is one thing she is not going to stand for today, it is being disrespected by JJ, of all people. “All she told me was that she had another meeting. She was off for a week, and she is in charge of more than just the BAU. Surely, she is experiencing some kind of backlog of work. And why shouldn’t she send me? I’m just as much a part of the Sicarius case as you are.”

“Have your life at risk and then maybe I’ll agree to that statement.” JJ stands abruptly, sending her chair scattering backwards. She pushes it back into the table forcefully. “At least this will give her time to realize that she’s making a mistake leaving.”

Tara watches the blonde storm out of the room and Rebecca’s subsequent slumping. She reaches out and grabs the lawyer’s hand, pulling her closer. “So where is Emily?”

“Not you too. I just told you, she–”

“Has a meeting. I’m sure she does. But you smell like cigarettes and I know you smoked once in college and absolutely hated it.” Tara tilts her head and tries to read Rebecca’s face. “I know she isn’t taking this news well.”

Rebecca relents under the weight of the brown eyed stare. “She’s taking it better than I would be…at least outwardly. It took me a minute to get her to accept my help and be the one to tell the team so that she can have a minute to breathe.”

“That was kind of you.”

“What can I say? I’m a saint.” Rebecca squeezes Tara’s hand. “Things just got messier, but all of that has to wait. Emily needs support. I think this could finally be her breaking point, and no one here wants that. So you and I can talk more, but I think for now, Emily needs you as a friend. And I need you to come home.”

Tara bites her lip and nods. She sits up and pulls the lawyer in for a kiss. “I love you. And of course I’m coming home, and not just because I’m tired of waking up to a cat butt in the face.” They both chuckle. “We’ll move forward together, yeah? I’ll be better about talking to you instead of isolating myself to think things through. I know you said that I’m choosing Emily, but that’s not true. I’m trying to choose both of you because I can’t imagine my life without either of you. You’ve changed my life and I really don’t want to lose you.”

Rebecca wipes the tears from Tara’s cheeks. “We’ll move forward together. Whatever that looks like. But I don’t want to lose you either. You’re my everything.”

Chapter Text

Emily walks into the quiet bullpen, completely empty except for a few straggling support agents. Rossi had texted her that he told the team to leave on time tonight, and she is happy to see that he took his own advice by the look of his dark office. As much as she wants to follow suit, she knows she can’t afford to; despite having a few hours of uninterrupted work time in the conference room, the backlog of two jobs not being done for a week leaves little room for early nights. She is just grateful that she doesn’t have to deal with any of her personal drama at the moment. She will take serial killers and even bureaucracy over talking about feelings and relationships any day. She opens her office door and takes one look before immediately closing it. Emily tries to think of where she can go to hide now but doesn’t move fast enough before the door opens again. She drops her head and shuffles into the office, throwing her things on the desk before dropping heavily onto her chair.

“Glad you’re not being at all dramatic. Not that I don’t love the theater, but shutting the door at the sight of me? Really? It stings.” Tara teases as she takes one of the chairs on the other side of the deak. She stares at her boss who refuses to look up at her. “I don’t know if you’re going for the ‘if I can’t see her, she can’t see me’ or the ‘when I open my eyes she’ll be gone because this is all just a trick of the mind’ approach, but neither are going to work. I am real, here, and not going to be out stubborned.” 

Emily drops her hands from her face and glares at her friend. “Look, I do not have this in me, and I haven’t all day. Which I’ve tried to tell you repeatedly, but you keep ignoring. And if you continue to push this right now, I cannot be held accountable for what I say.”

“I’m not here to make you talk about anything that happened this weekend.”

“Thank god.”

“I’m here to make you talk about what happened today.”

Emily throws her head back into her chair. “I’d quit and walk out of this office right now and never return if I could, but I can’t. However, I can still refuse to talk about this and because I can’t quit, I am still your boss. So, I really advise you to not keep testing me before I have you transferred back to doing therapy appointments for agents who can’t figure out how to get along with their partners at work. And I know how much you loved that assignment.”

Tara rolls her eyes at the empty threats. “I’m quaking in my boots. Now, are you done? I’m already here later than I would like to be.”

“That is fully your choice. No one asked you to be here.”

“That’s not true. You did.” Tara points at Emily. “You asked me to be here when we became friends. You asked me to be here when you showed up for me time and time again. You asked me to be here every single time you checked in on me after I had a hard day. Because that’s how relationships work, babe. They’re a two way street.”

“I was doing my job. I’m your boss, of course I checked in on you and made sure you had all the support you needed. That’s not a two way street. You don’t owe me anything, so if that’s why you’re here, feel free to leave.” 

Tara can feel her frustration reaching a new high and tears building in her eyes. She knows that Emily is just fighting to protect herself. She knows that none of those words carry any true weight, but they still crush her heart like a truck. “If you can look me in my eyes and tell me that I am nothing more to you than your subordinate, that you never did any of that because you care for me on a personal level, then I’ll stand up and leave right now. If you can look me in the eye and tell me that I dreamed everything that happened this weekend, I’ll go. If you can look at me and say that you aren’t tired and scared and mad and feeling completely helpless about this whole situation, I’ll drop it.” She stares her boss in the eye, challenging Emily to even try to lie. After a minute of silence, Tara nods. “That’s what I thought. So, let’s try again. How are you doing after everything that happened today? If it helps, you can pretend I’m not me and just some random friend you’ve decided to open up to in some bizarre out of character moment.”

“Well my day started with getting harassed by one of my employees who refused to leave her personal life at the door.” Emily bites back before sighing. She is so tired of pushing everyone away; her endurance has waned. What’s the worst that can happen if she is just honest with Tara? It’s not like she was lying about loving her friend, that in her wildest dreams they are together. And for that to happen, won’t she have to be open? Not that this is one of her dreams; Tara will leave her office tonight and go home to Rebecca and Emily will go back to an empty house, like she always does. There is no reason for her to rely on anyone. But she did accept help earlier today, can she do that again? It had been so nice to not have to do everything herself for once. 

“Sounds awful, I hate when people can’t respect professional boundaries.” Tara smiles easily at the bit. “I’m sure you enforced those lines in the sand. So what happened next?”

Emily looks up at her friend with glassy eyes. Why is Tara still showing up for her after everything she’s done? She doesn’t deserve this kindness, but she doesn’t want to waste it anymore. “Well, I tried to resign but wasn’t allowed to for an undisclosed reason. And I tried to ignore it and just push through my work, but I think I also was struggling to leave my personal issues at the door. I felt like I had to run away from everyone and everything, and I couldn’t. And that employee I mentioned earlier, well she just kept being kind to me. She brought me lunch for God’s sake. And I thanked her by kicking her out.”

“Well, how could you trust that it was just an act of kindness? That she wasn’t trying to corner you into talking about things you didn’t want to.”

Emily huffs humorously. “It’s almost as if you know both her and I.” She shakes her head. “And then I was accused of placing a hit on someone. So now I’m stuck in this job for the foreseeable future until my name is officially cleared.”

Tara bites her lip before standing and moving around the desk. She sits on the edge of it just beside Emily. “I’m sure that felt terrible.”

Emily looks up into the dark brown eyes staring at her. She wishes she could just fully let go and disappear into their murky depths. “That doesn’t even begin to describe it. It’s like, what have I even been doing this all for if I’m just going to keep being thrown to the wolves.”

“You must’ve felt really lost if you looked for help from one of the wolves.”

“What are you talking about?”

Tara pushes a lock of Emily’s hair back behind her ear. “I know Rebecca is part of this witch hunt, despite her wishes. And I know that you took her up on her offer to help you.”

Emily purses her lips. “I didn’t take her to be a narc.”

“Oh, she isn’t. I smelled your cigarette smoke on her and put enough together to force it out of her.” 

“Are you part bloodhound? How the hell did you detect that? She wasn’t even that close to me.”

Tara chuckles at her friend’s look of confusion. “I almost didn’t figure it out because I couldn’t believe that you would accept help from someone.”

Emily scoffs. “That’s not fair.”

“Isn’t it?” Tara raises her brow. “But now that I know that’s a possibility, grab your things. We’re leaving.”

“I can’t leave, I have too much work to do.” Emily protests, though she is curious as to what the other woman has planned.

Tara stands up and pulls her boss up too. She has to resist the urge to kiss the section chief in the moment, though it would be just so easy to. But she promised Rebecca that nothing would happen without everyone talking about it first. “Work can wait. You shouldn’t be worried about doing more than necessary for this place. So grab your things, including your go bag.”

“Where are you taking me?” Emily breathes out. She wants so badly to just trust Tara blindly but she can’t turn off her need for safety.

“I’m taking you home. You shouldn’t have to be alone tonight. Rebecca is cooking dinner right now. We’ll eat good food and drink wine and I promise that you won’t have to deal with anything you don’t want to. It will just be a girl’s night.” Tara grabs Emily’s hand and squeezes. “Take a night off with friends. It’s been too long since you’ve relaxed. Let us, let me, take care of you.”

Emily shuts her eyes tightly. This is the chance for a turning point that she’s been waiting for. She can finally let people in, can’t she? She’s not too broken, right? “You promise no more hard conversations?”

“I promise. The hardest conversation will be what movie you want to watch.” Tara gently rubs Emily’s cheek with her thumb. “Come on, let’s go home. Rebecca is probably the best cook I’ve met…Don’t tell Rossi I said that.”

Emily chuckles and gathers her things. She can’t ignore what feels like a large stone in her stomach, but she is choosing to go on anyway. What is it that they say: ‘Do it scared’? She feels like that’s just how she does everything; but this is probably the hardest thing she’s ever done scared. She doesn’t have the tools for this. She was taught how to protect herself and others, but she’s never been taught how to let people in. She’s never thought of herself as the old dog that needs to learn new tricks, but here she is: 54 and just newly figuring out her sexuality and on the precipice of perhaps the first real relationship of her life. Well, she feels like she’s standing at that edge, but she can’t actually be; because Tara is still with Rebecca. However, if she learns how to let her friends in, maybe after she finally leaves the FBI, she can meet someone new. Maybe she’s not too far from finding the happily ever after she’s always been dreaming of.

The two agents leave the sixth floor in a semi-comfortable silence. It is clear to Tara that Emily is extremely nervous, and it throws the forensic psychologist. She’s never seen this kind of raw fear outside of someone being in mortal danger; though maybe that’s how this flags for Emily’s nervous system. It would explain her constant fight or flight response anytime there is an attempt to get her to open up. But Tara was serious when she told Emily that this night is just about letting go; she is not going to push for deep conversation, even if that is what they desperately need to do. She can be patient and she can wait and she can compromise. At least that’s the mantra she’s been chanting in her head since Rebecca and her had made the night’s plans. 

“What are you thinking about?” Emily asks as they settle into Tara’s car, after a fight about Emily not driving separately. “You have a far away look in your eyes.”

“Just reciting a sort of mantra to myself.” Tara tries to brush the question off but meets Emily’s still curious eyes. She groans internally but realizes that she needs to be as open as she is hoping to eventually get Emily to be. This whole self growth journey was not in her mind when she thought about ever starting a relationship with her friend. “I keep reminding myself that I am patient and I am capable of compromise. I’m hoping if I say it enough, one of these days it will prove to be true.”

Emily tucks in her lips to keep herself from reacting. “And how is that working for you so far? Because I don’t remember seeing the ability to compromise as one of your strengths in your resume. I know that I’m not one to talk but I’ve never even seen you do it. In fact, I’ve seen you struggle to compromise with yourself, which is truly a level of stubbornness that I can only aspire to myself.” She teases as they pull out of the garage. 

“If you don’t stop, I’m not going to let you choose the movie we watch tonight.”

At that Emily does just let out a short burst of laughter. “I was never under the impression that I was going to be allowed to choose. At best, I thought you might give me a couple of acceptable options. Or you’d just direct me to your watch list and have me pick something from that.”

“Are you saying you don’t think I believe in your right to choose?” Tara teases, her lip quirking up in a half smile, defeating the outrage in her voice.

Emily rolls her eyes but continues laughing. “I’d never say that. Mostly because that wording just doesn’t feel natural for how I speak.”

“Miss Linguistics over here.” Tara raises her hands quickly off the wheel to do a small jazz hands before dropping them back down.

Emily shrugs. “I only minored in it. But I do believe it was the loss of my linguistic skills that made Hotch hire Dr. Blake, which in turn helped the team see that there was room for more than just one doctor on it. Which ultimately meant that you could be hired for the team. So it does stand to reason that I helped you get this job. Which I think means I should have the right to pick the movie tonight, since you owe me.”

Tara harrumphs as she side-eyes her passenger, the stoplight casting a red filter over them. “Your logic is stunning.” She jokes but can’t help adding “So are you” in her head as she admires how Emily’s hair sparkles in the red light.

Emily blushes at the compliment and the way Tara is looking at her, luckily, the light changing takes the eyes off of her. There is something so right in the feeling of them leaving the office together, so right in teasing each other, and even so right in the silence that sits between them. It reminds her of the before times, before she realized she’s in love with Tara, when they would have wine nights and get dinner and just talk to each other. It reminds her of their easy camaraderie that they fell into within hours of meeting, which she had been so nervous for after Penelope spent hours telling her how absolutely marvelous the great Dr. Lewis is. It reminds her that the only reason she hasn’t had this in years is because she pulled away.

Tara pulls into a space outside of her apartment complex and parks before turning and looking over at Emily. She is surprised to find tears glistening in the section chief’s eyes. “Hey, hey. What’s wrong?”

Emily blinks away the tears in her eyes; she hadn’t even registered the car stopping. “Nothing, nothing.”

“Tell me, come on.”

“You said I didn’t have to have any hard conversations tonight. That was part of our deal.” Emily argues, feeling like a jaded teen and blushes.

“That only counts once we’re inside. We were just joking, what got to you?” Tara turns Emily’s chin to face her. “Did I say something wrong?”

Emily realizes that Tara didn’t mean to say the earlier compliment out loud and blushes deeper. “No, no. You didn’t say anything wrong. I just…I guess I just didn’t realize how much I’ve missed you these last few years until now, and how it’s all my fault. I just keep pulling away and I don’t even know why.” She blinks a few times rapidly causing a few tears to streak down her cheeks. “Sorry, sorry. I did say that I’m really tired and how you can’t hold anything I say right now against me.”

“It’s okay, Em. I promise you it is okay. And you don’t ever have to apologize to me for how you’re feeling. In fact, I’d prefer if you didn’t. I’ve missed you too. And I could’ve done more to push you back then so that we didn’t lose so much time. But we can’t change the past, and we have time together now. So why don’t we make the most of it and go inside and just relax.” Tara pulls Emily in for a hug across the central console, subconsciously pressing a kiss onto her head.

Emily smiles and agrees, her head nodding against Tara’s chest. She breathes out and sinks into the hug more for a second before pulling away. She meets Tara’s eyes and smiles gently before unbuckling her seatbelt. Her hand stills on the door handle as it hits her that she is about to have to spend the evening with Rebecca and Tara together. She’s been so lost in the bliss of being with Tara that she’s momentarily forgotten the drama of her day. It’s too late for her to back out now, so Emily rolls her shoulders back and follows Tara into her townhouse. 

“Becks, we’re home!” Tara calls out as she kicks her boots off and takes Emily’s coat from her, motioning for her companion to head deeper into the house. 

“Emily, hi!” Rebecca greets, struggling to balance on her tiptoes to grab a serving dish from the top shelf. “Would it be too much to ask, could you grab that?” 

Emily looks at the bowl the lawyer is pointing at and walks over to reach up and grab it. “Maybe a step stool would help.”

“I normally would just climb onto the counter to grab it but Tara would’ve seen it and yelled at me.” Rebecca mutters quietly as she takes the bowl. 

“You could break something. You’re well past your twenties.” Tara yells as she heads up the stairs to put Emily’s and her guns in the safe.

“I swear she is part hound with how well she hears!” Rebecca shakes her head towards Emily and begins putting rice into the bowl. 

“I heard that too!” Tara says as she enters the kitchen. “And that’s also what Emily called me when I told her that I could smell her cigarette on you.”

“So you know it’s an accurate comparison.” Rebecca teases and passes the bowl of food to her girlfriend. “Can you take that to the table? Dinner is ready.”

Tara nods and motions for Emily to follow her to the dinner table, which is already set for them. “Do you want some wine?”

“Um, yeah. Thanks.” Emily shifts in her seat. She never feels this uncomfortable when she is with any of her other friends and their partners. Of course, she knows what the difference is but that doesn’t mean she has to like it.

Rebecca enters with a pot of what looks like stew with Tara behind her with the wine glasses. “I hope you like Ropa Vieja. My mom always made it for me when I had a bad day, so I thought I would too. Though to be honest, I did just reheat this. I made a big batch a few weeks ago and froze it in portions because this takes hours to make.”

Emily bites her inner cheek. She is not used to people caring or showing up for her like this. She doesn’t deserve all of this. “Thanks. I’ve only had it once years and years ago but it was absolutely delicious. And I have high hopes that yours will be as well since Tara said that you’re the best cook she knows, even beating Dave.” She accepts the plate of food from Rebecca. 

“You said that?” Rebecca smiles at Tara. “I even beat your grandma who you said inspired your love for cooking?” 

“Yeah, you misunderstood that. Maw inspired me to learn to cook because she was so bad at it. My mom told me that the worst part of marrying my father was having to eat her food.” All three women laugh, and Tara grabs Rebecca’s hand and squeezes it. “And of course I said that. Have you eaten your food? It is so good and makes me feel like I’m Emily or something when it comes to cooking.”

“Hey! I can cook.” Emily argues. 

Tara grimaces. “Eh, you can follow a very specifically written recipe, but you can’t cook. If I gave you random ingredients, you would have no idea what to do with them.”

“I’ve literally never had the opportunity to practice, so the fact that I can make something without burning it is a win in my book. It’s not like my mom was exactly teaching me how to cook growing up.” Emily fights back. “And besides, I’m better at baking anyway.”

“You can bake?” Tara looks at her boss skeptically. “I don’t think I’ve ever had anything that you’ve baked except for maybe some box brownies you made for a girl’s night.”

“Well, I haven’t baked for a while. But I used to do it when I lived in London and had more free time and I baked all the time when I was in Paris.” Emily squints her eyes at the psychologist. “Also, box brownies totally count as baking. Half the time the instructions on the back of the box are wrong and you need to adapt them for your specific oven and pan.”

“No, I have to agree with Emily on that one. I can’t bake for the life of me and that includes any type of box mix.” Rebecca passes Tara her plate and begins filling her own. “And honestly, baking takes more skill. You have to be so precise with measurements and the timing.”

“Well, maybe you can teach Emily how to cook and she can teach you how to bake.” Tara suggests, immediately clocking the look of discomfort on both of the women’s faces. “You know, after Emily leaves the BAU and has free time again.”

“And what will you do?” Rebecca questions and tries to hide her grimace at the thought of continued time spent with Emily. She might’ve suggested dinner tonight, but that is just because she wants to support her friend (?), colleague (?), partner’s friend. She is hoping that if this goes the way she wants it to, Emily will just remain Tara’s friend and she won’t have to spend any real amount of time with the other woman. Not that she particularly dislikes Emily, she thinks that in another life they could be close friends; Rebecca just can’t help but compare herself to the section chief anytime they are together. What is it about her that Rebecca doesn’t have? 

Tara reaches under the table and squeezes Rebecca’s knee, grounding the lawyer. She never wanted this to make either Emily or Rebecca uncomfortable, but she is happy to be spending time with both of them. It just feels right, the three of them together, bantering and teasing each other. “I’ll be the certified taste tester, of course. You’ll need someone to tell you if you’re improving or not. And before you say that I am getting away scot-free, may I remind you that I’ve had your baking, Rebecca, and Emily is white, so you’re gonna have to teach her how to listen to your ancestors when it comes to seasoning because hers will stop at a pinch of salt.”

Emily looks between the two women in shocked indignation. “I have never been so insulted during a night meant to be about relaxation and taking my mind off of other things.” Emily bats Tara’s hand away as the doctor goes to rub her arm, shaking her head with outrage. “Mind you, I grew up all over the world, and unlike the person who lived in Germany, I lived where the spice trade boomed.”

Rebecca stifles a laugh as Tara scoffs in offense. The psychologist crosses her arms in front of her chest. “I know your take out orders by heart. You cannot lie to me about your knowledge and expertise with spices, Prentiss.” Tara pokes Emily’s upper arm to punctuate her statement.

“I hold firm that there is a difference between liking things to be properly spiced and seasoned and liking spicy food. You seem to enjoy your food inflicting pain onto you. There is no reason to order a spice level of 10 unless you’re a masochist.” Emily shoots back.

Rebecca places her hands up between the two agents. “Girls, girls, you’re both pretty. Now can we drop it. You’re both right and you’re both wrong. There is no need to worry about either of your preferences when it comes to spice tonight because I cooked and it is always perfectly seasoned.”

“Okay, one, ego much? And two, don’t quote Megamind to me, acting like you’re Roxanne and we’re Megamind and Metro Man.” Tara turns to her girlfriend.

Rebecca raises her brow. “Ego? You’re the one that said I’m the best cook you’ve ever met. I think that earns me the right to have pride in my work.”

“What’s Megamind?” Emily asks over Tara muttering “I knew I never should’ve said that, it’s gone right to your head.”

Emily shrinks as both women look at her with confusion. “You’ve never heard of Megamind? It’s only the greatest superhero movie there is. And Dreamworks' best film by far.” Rebecca looks at the section chief like she’s grown a second head.

“Dreamworks? Doesn’t that make it a kids’ movie?” 

“No, no. Dreamworks makes films for the whole family.” Tara informs her boss. “This is more like a kid friendly SNL movie. Its hilarious yet meaningful social commentary is so poignant and really what makes it the masterpiece it is.”

“When did it come out?” Emily asks, thinking maybe it is something she missed from her childhood.

Rebecca looks up to the ceiling as she tries to come up with a date. “Late 2010 I want to say. Elaine and I weren’t married yet, I don’t think.”

“Well I know why I missed it.” Emily stops herself from laughing at the couple’s confusion. “I was preoccupied with the escaped terrorist hunting me and didn’t have time to see movies.”

Rebecca tilts her head up as she is about to ask for more information before noticing Tara shaking her head as if to say ‘not now’. Instead, she grabs her fork. “One day, you are going to have to tell me more. But for tonight, why don’t we just focus on dinner.”

“I think that sounds great.” Tara agrees. “And now we know what we are watching afterwards!”

Emily picks up her fork as well. “I knew I was never going to actually get to choose.” She teases as she takes a bite. She moans as the beef and peppers melt in her mouth, blushing when she realizes the sound she just made. 

“I’m glad to know that you’re enjoying the food.” Rebecca smiles with pride. She never expected that she’d be the first around the table to make Emily moan but she does know she will be teasing Tara about it later. Thinking about that, she turns to her girlfriend. “I thought we agreed that we were going to let Emily pick the movie tonight.” She half whispers.

Tara shrugs her shoulders as she swallows her food. “It’s fine. She knows I don’t support her right to make decisions. We’d have gotten stuck watching a nature documentary. Really, you should be thanking me for saving our night. This way we know that we’ll enjoy it.”

Rebecca rolls her eyes and turns back to Emily who is clearly trying not to scarf down her food. The lawyer wonders how long it’s been since the section chief had a home cooked meal. It’s not like Rebecca is a stranger to loneliness, but she doesn’t know how Emily has gone so long being alone. She bites her lip; she is not going to let herself be overtaken with pity. “There’s plenty more, feel free to have seconds or thirds. And don’t mind Tara, I’m sure I would’ve enjoyed the nature doc. I might’ve fallen asleep but I would’ve enjoyed it.”

Emily blushes as she slows down eating. She wonders what she must look like right now: a starving individual with no clue when her next meal will be. It’s not like she hasn’t eaten; nor is this the first home cooked meal she’s had in a while, after all Dave had just made her pasta last night. But there is something in this meal, in this moment, that fills the ever present void that’s lived in her chest for as long as she can remember. It’s like the meal itself is an edible warm hug and she is a child seeking it out after a long day. Emily hopes no one else can notice this hunger in her, one that she knows this meal or night will never be able to truly satisfy, though she might be able to calm it for a minute. It’s pathetic really: finding so much peace in this moment. She’s still uncomfortable and nervous, but that anxiety feels surface level, almost like it’s there only because she’s been told it should be. “It’s fine; obviously I need to watch this cultural work. But I do think nature documentaries are a great way to unwind after work. What’s more relaxing than learning about the world around us? Especially the Planet Earth series. David Attenborough’s voice is so soothing.”

“You’re such a nerd.” Tara laughs, the obvious affection in her voice catching Rebecca off guard. 

The lawyer’s heart drops in her chest at how her girlfriend is looking at Emily. How is she supposed to compete with that? The two of them have loved each other for almost a decade; they have a deep and wonderful friendship despite all the fractures that have spread the last couple of years. Should she just walk away on her own before she’s cast to the side? She doesn’t want to lose Tara, but is she just fighting against the inevitable? Rebecca almost jumps when a hand lands on top of her own. She doesn’t know how long she’s been zoned out but Tara is currently talking about Dr. Who. Rebecca is surprised to see that it is Emily who reached out to her. She looks up to meet the section chief’s eyes, who mouths “Are you okay?” Rebecca nods in response, embarrassed that she was caught spiralling, and by Emily at that. 

Emily watches the emotions that pass over Rebecca’s eyes as she struggles to re-engage with the conversation. The section chief knows that look well; she’s seen it on her own face so many times. The never feeling like you’re good enough, the fear that everything you love is going to be taken from you, the resignation that you have no control; it is completely overwhelming. She doesn’t get why the lawyer is feeling this way. Rebecca’s won; she gets to be with Tara and have her happily ever after. Emily has taken herself out of the equation. She bites her lip. Is that the problem: Emily made the decision for Tara so Rebecca is going to be always left wondering if she’s second best? But how is Emily supposed to fix that? If she could turn back time, well, there are a lot of things she would undo first that would probably ultimately lead to her never telling Tara the true extent of her feelings. At least she knows that everything can settle down with the couple after she leaves the BAU, whenever that will be. Emily’ll be able to walk away for good and Rebecca won’t ever have to worry about her again. It’s the best decision for everyone; the way for the most people to win. Emily might lose, but she’s accepted that’s her lot in life. You’re not being selfless, you’re just self sabotaging. Rebecca’s voice rings through Emily’s head. When are you going to realize you do need others?

Chapter Text

Rebecca looks over at the flop of grey hair at the end of the couch; Emily had made it through Megamind but had fallen asleep quickly when Tara had switched over to The Late Show . Luckily, she had changed into her pajamas after dinner; but she still needs to be woken up enough to readjust to a more comfortable sleeping position. Tara’s head has also been drooping for the last ten minutes, and the lawyer knows from experience that means she needs to get them both to bed before her girlfriend fully passes out. “Come on babe, let’s go to bed.”

“Mmmm,” Tara groans. “Bed is so far from here.”

Rebecca bites her lip and stands, rolling her eyes when Tara collapses into the newly freed space. “You are not sleeping on the couch tonight, especially since it is already called for. You can just go straight up the stairs and crawl into the covers. I’ll make sure we are all locked up and that the coffee pot is set.”

“You’re a goddess.” Tara mumbles as she clambers off the couch. She barely even opens her eyes as she stumbles slightly up the stairs, the bedroom door clicking shut behind her.

Rebecca turns back to the couch and to Emily. The section chief looks so peaceful in her sleep, her arms hugging a pillow tightly to her chest. Rebecca reaches out and tries to gently nudge her awake. “Emily, you’re gonna want to at least fully lie on the couch or else tomorrow you are going to be really miserable.” When she gets no response, Rebecca moves to shake the other woman’s shoulder but ends up catching a fist in the stomach when Emily suddenly jolts awake. The lawyer gasps to catch her breath, more surprised than injured. She takes a second before realizing that Emily woke up from a nightmare and is still panicking, the unfamiliar environment not helping calm her nerves. 

Emily looks around her, trying to find something that will root her in reality, but her eyes are not able to focus on anything in front of her. She’d been tied to a chair, begging for her life to someone who’d been hidden in the shadows. It’d been a woman, she’s pretty sure, from the mocking chuckles every time she’d fought the restraints and cried for freedom. The last thing she’d heard before waking up had been the click of a gun and the woman telling her she’d be really miserable. The whole dream had felt so real; and Emily can’t seem to place where she is now. She’s not tied to a chair, she knows that much. 

“Just take a deep breath, and focus on me.” Rebecca instructs, taking one of Emily’s hands and squeezing it; this being her technique for helping Tara come out of the post nightmare haze ever since they started dating. It goes to figure that nightmares haunt the team as a whole with all the trauma they’ve been through and seen. At least she can help Tara through her nightmares when they happen, but Rebecca wonders how the others cope. Especially now that she sees how disorienting they can be, the lawyer can’t help but feel bad for the ones who don’t just have someone they can roll over to in bed and hold until the horrors melt away.

Emily tries to focus on the disembodied voice guiding her back to the present as she squeezes the hand in hers back like it is her only life line. It’s been weeks since she’s been able to sleep through the night, but usually she’s left to deal with them alone. She tries to remember what she was doing when she fell asleep: the tv had been playing and there had been a warm hand soothingly rubbing her calf. Emily all but yanks back her hand when she realizes where she is and who is talking her through her breathing, her cheeks flushing red. It’s now twice today that she has relied on comfort from Rebecca.

“There we are.” Rebecca smiles at the section chief, reaching over to grab Emily’s glass of water from the side table. “Here, I find taking a few sips to be grounding.” She passes the cup to Emily, who accepts it with a weak smile. “You ok?”

Emily swallows the water roughly, still trying to slow her racing heart. Since when did she need so much help from everyone else? She is supposed to be the strong one, the person everyone else leans on. Had this last abduction really been the straw that broke her back? Though if she’s being honest with herself, she’s been unravelling for awhile now. “Yeah, I’m fine. Sorry, did I wake you?”

“No, I was trying to wake you. I wanted to make sure you have everything you need before I head up for the night. I should’ve guessed that you wake up swinging.” Rebecca jokes, but immediately bites her tongue when she sees how Emily’s face pales.

“Tell me I didn’t.” Emily curses under her breath. “God, Rebecca, I’m so sorry. It’s been awhile since there has been anyone in my hit box.”

The lawyer waves away the apology. “Not my first post-nightmare punch from a BAU member. The first time Tara had a nightmare when we got together, she almost gave me a black eye.” Rebecca chuckles at the memory, mostly from how mortified Tara had been once she woke up fully. Emily huffs humorously at the thought and Rebecca knocks her knee against Emily’s. “Do you wanna talk about it?”

Emily bites her lip. She can imagine that it probably would help her to talk it out, instead of just letting the images roll around her mind; but she can’t get used to relying on others, not when after today, she will just be going back to her solitary life. “No, no, I’m fine. You should get to bed. It’s late.”

“Okay, if you’re sure.” Rebecca stands up and does a quick lap of the first floor to make sure everything is set for the night. She walks back in to see Emily curling under a blanket on the couch. “You can ride into Quantico with me tomorrow morning if you want. I’m sure you usually get in before Tara does. Or you can have a late morning.” She smiles when she sees Emily’s sleepy nod. “Goodnight.”

“Night, Bec.” Emily mumbles, only half aware of the hall light turning off and the receding footsteps as she drifts back to sleep, finding comfort in the scent of the pillow.

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Tara groans as she shuts off her alarm, which went off much too loudly and early for her liking. She had been in the middle of a great dream: Rebecca, Emily, and she had taken a drive out to the beach and had a picnic on the shore. But now she has to get up and go to work. She groans again as she shuffles out of bed and towards the stairs, desperately in search of coffee. Why does she have to live in a capitalistic society that forces her to work and not be able to just live out her gay cottagecore dreams? Tara ignores the part of her that knows she would be bored senseless if she didn’t have her job as she follows the sounds of idle chatter and smell of eggs, toast, and most importantly, her life source. She has barely even fully opened her eyes as she enters the kitchen to see Rebecca standing at the stove and Emily perched on the counter next to the fridge, mug tightly grasped between her hands. 

“Morning sleepyhead.” Rebecca teases, already dressed and ready for the day, like Emily; both of them having gotten up much earlier. “I’m making you some eggs before the two of us head into the office. So you’ll be riding solo today.”

Tara nods her head, only half taking in the information. She has never been a morning person. In fact, she has always highly prioritized sleep, which does just go to show how much she likes her work with the BAU. “Thanks love.” She leans down to give her girlfriend a peck before moving to the cupboard to grab her coffee mug.

“Morning.” Emily quips, always amused to see how badly her friend functions in the morning. She lets Tara’s close calls with coming in on time slide just because the agent is always likely to stay late. 

“Morning honey.” Tara mumbles as she closes the cabinet and gives Emily a peck too before turning to find the coffee pot. 

The section chief freezes where she is as she locks eyes with Rebecca, whose face matches how shocked Emily feels inside. Before either of them can blink, Emily slides off the counter top and is out the room, grabbing her bags as she reaches the door.

Tara turns around from her task confused. “Did I miss something?” She asks her girlfriend who has yet to move. “Babe?” She tilts her head, forcing herself to wake up more so that she can try and take in the situation. As the fog lifts from her brain, she claps a hand over her mouth, eyes wide as she realizes what she did. “Fuck.”

Rebecca blinks a couple of times, trying to process everything that just happened. She and Emily had been talking about bagels when Tara had come down, and then… The lawyer still can’t believe what she knows she saw with her own two eyes. Almost mechanically, she turns back to the stove and turns off the gas before following after Emily, grabbing her keys, briefcase, and jacket at the door. She walks down to the parking lot silently until she reaches where Emily is frantically tapping on her phone. “Come on, my car is this way.” She points down a few spaces to a modest Honda.

“What?” Emily looks up at the lawyer, expecting to be met with anger. Instead, she just finds a blank face, like this is just how every morning starts.

Rebecca taps her foot against the cement while worrying her lip. “Last night I mentioned that you could ride into Quantico with me. I have a meeting at 8, but I’d like some time in my office to make sure I have everything in order.” She glances at her watch, seeing that it isn’t even 6:30.

Emily’s brow furrows, almost wondering if she has been dreaming this whole time. “I can just call an Uber or something. My app is just taking a minute to load.”

“Don’t be stupid. There is no reason for you to waste your money on one. Plus during morning rush hour; talk about a nightmare.” Rebecca nods like that settles everything and starts off towards her car.

Emily’s mouth drops open like she wants to argue but decides to just go with it for now, following after the lawyer by a couple steps. She slides into the passenger seat after putting her things behind her in the back seat. Rebecca starts the car and pulls away from the apartment and Tara with a small sigh, the only sign for Emily that maybe they are both struggling to process the events of the morning so far. The two women travel in silence; the radio playing some song that Emily is sure she’s heard before but could never name in a million years, while the section chief taps her fingers against her thigh and resists the urge to bite her fingers. She’s all but broken the habit in recent years, and is determined to not let everything that’s transpiring start it up again, especially since she has already started smoking again. Her mind is racing as she slowly picks apart the morning frame by frame. She’d woken up from nightmares again around 4:30 and decided it wasn’t worth it to try and fall back asleep. After getting ready for the day, she’d sat down at the dining room table and pulled out her laptop, determined to get some of the work that she’d abandoned the night before done until Rebecca had come down, also dressed for the day. They had eaten breakfast together in companionable silence before getting into a conversation about the best breakfast foods, debating the proper way to eat a bagel when Tara had joined them. After that, well as far as Emily is concerned, it might have well have been a dream for how well she can parse the scene. 

“You’re going to tear a hole into your pants.” Rebecca admonishes when she glances over while stopped at a light, noticing how Emily’s tapping had turned to picking at the pilling on her suit pants. 

Emily raises her brow in response until she notices what she’s been doing. She smoothes her palms over her thighs and bites her lip. “I guess I’m just waiting for you to be mad at me, but you’re eerily calm. And if I didn’t know that you are too smart for it, I’d think you were driving me somewhere to dispose of my body.”

Rebecca snorts as a smile spreads across her face. “Even without your gun, I know I don’t stand a chance in hell against you.” She sees Emily’s eyes widen in her periphery. “You gave it to Tara last night to lock in the safe. Don’t worry, she’ll bring it with her when she unfreezes and actually gets ready for the day.” She sighs deeply and looks over her shoulder before trying to merge onto the busy highway. “And why would I be mad at you? It was almost cartoonish in how fast you paled and then bolted. I swear I could see a cloud of dust still in the shape of you immediately following your departure.”

“Ha ha.” Emily wrings her hands, trying to figure out how to explain the wrath she is sure she deserves based on how guilty she feels. “But if–”

“If, if, if.” Rebecca interrupts, rubbing her forehead as she waits for the traffic in front of her to budge. “You can spend an eternity thinking up all the alternate realities that could exist based on decisions that were made or you can accept that this is the one that we are in and recognize that you are not at fault for everything that happens. I hate to break it to you, but the world doesn’t spin because of you for better or for worse. This of course is something most children learn, but I get that some people take a little bit longer to catch up.” She snaps, her energy already drained for the day. “Sorry, but I don’t really have it in me to console you today.”

Emily nods and looks out her window. “You’re right. I’m sorry.” She bites her tongue to stop from saying anything else, not really knowing what, if anything, would be appreciated right now. Instead, she focuses on the trees that line the highway, blocking the noise of traffic from polluting the surrounding neighborhoods. Sometimes she wishes that she could just be a kid again spending summers at her grandfather’s cabin in the mountains in France. There is something about being surrounded by nature that always makes her feel safe. 

Rebecca glances to the side and regrets how harsh her tone was. She can’t say she regrets her words, but she probably could’ve been softer in the delivery. It’s just hard for her to accept that this is something that is happening to all of them, and not just her. It would be so easy to say that the universe and everyone is against her, but she knows the universe doesn’t care one way or another. All three of them are in what feels like a boxing ring trying to make it out alive but also not wanting to hurt anyone else; unfortunately it feels like every step sends a punch one way or another; and Rebecca can acknowledge that Emily is punching herself in the face in an attempt to spare everyone else. “She wants to date us both.” The words come out before she can stop them, despite telling Tara yesterday that this conversation had to wait.

“Are you okay with that?” Emily asks skeptically. She can’t imagine that the lawyer would be all that kean on sharing her girlfriend.

“No.” Rebecca rolls her eyes and sighs heavily. She feels like a teenager with how often she’s been sighing recently. “I think. I’m not entirely sure. I don’t want to deny her anything she wants but I can’t stop getting caught on the logistics of it all. And I worry that she’ll never actually be happy just being with me. So, like, what do I do with that?”

“Tara loves you.”

“I don’t need you to tell me about my relationship.” Rebecca snaps again before groaning and pinching the bridge of her nose, “Sorry, that was bitchy, I just thought I’d have a little more time to process everything. But after this morning, I guess I would rather know what’s going to happen next sooner rather than later.”

Emily turns in her seat to face the driver fully. “I’m not looking to get in the middle of anything. Say the word, and I’ll leave. I don’t care what the AG says, they can’t force me to stay. If all I’m doing is hurting people, you’ll never have to hear from me again.”

Rebecca watches as Quantico comes into view in the distance. “I can’t be second place in a relationship again. I promised myself that when Elaine couldn’t choose me over alcohol.” She rolls down the window to scan her badge at the gate, pursing her lips as she tries not to cry. She drives into the parking garage and pulls into a spot on the second level, the garage being decently empty this early. “I don’t know if you leaving is going to stop me from being the runner up again.” Rebecca looks in the mirror on her sun shade to make sure the tears gathering in the corners of her eyes didn’t smudge her mascara before getting out of the car. She opens the door behind her and grabs her briefcase, taking one last look at Emily. “Lock the car when you get out.”

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Tara takes all of two minutes to unfreeze from her spot in the kitchen; knowing as she comes to, Emily and Rebecca are both long gone. She drops her head against the wall and lightly bangs it against the plaster while cursing to herself. How could she have been so stupid? In less than two minutes, she had absolutely ruined three people’s days; that has to be some kind of record. She takes a deep breath before standing up straight; she can’t make anything better from here. She ignores how the guilt churns her stomach as she eats the breakfast Rebecca made her; the eggs leaving a sour taste in her mouth that she knows is all in her mind. She walks upstairs and makes the bed before heading for a shower, knowing that she can afford to let a few tears out under the warm spray. The guilt punches her in the stomach again when she unlocks the safe to grab her gun and realizes that Emily’s is sitting right next to it; her boss having left too quickly to grab it. 

The drive to Quantico feels both too long and too fast for Tara’s liking. Just over 12 hours ago she’d been so happy about convincing Emily to take a night off and come over; now, she wonders if all that did was make everything worse. She runs into Luke in the lobby, doing everything in her power to keep her face neutral while she listens to him rant about Penelope’s insane coffee order that she asked him to pick up. 

“I mean, her order was like 4 lines long over text. You know what mine is? One word: coffee.” Luke leans against the wall of the elevator, balancing the two cup carriers against his chest. “And of course, it had to be from Lunicorn, which meant I had to leave my house an extra half an hour early. Roxy did not look pleased with the change in routine today until I told her that we were doing it for Garcia.”

Tara side-eyes her coworker at the assertion that his dog can understand English but lets it go, not wanting to get into it with him. “You could’ve told her no.”

Luke screws up his face at the thought. “I can’t say no to Penelope. She’s just started being mostly nice to me. Do you understand how long it has taken me to get to this point? And you also got a coffee out of it, so I don’t want to hear it.”

“Why did you get coffee for everyone?”

“I was doing a coffee run. It would’ve been weird to only get coffee for one other person.” Luke scoffs as the elevator dings with their arrival to the sixth floor.

“Right, of course.” Tara mutters, trailing behind her colleague. She catches up to him so that she can open the glass doors, letting him pass in front of her. She looks across the room to see Penelope leaning back in Luke’s chair as she talks to JJ, who smiles when she sees the coffee coming their way.

“Please tell me that one of those cups is for me.” JJ whines slightly as the two agents approach the desks.

“But of course, and it is exactly as it should be drunk: black.” Luke sets the drink carriers on his desk and pulls out one of the cups for JJ. Then turning to the blonde in his chair, he pulls out the only iced drink of the bunch. “And now for innovation gone wrong.”

Garcia takes the cup before swatting at his arms. “Do not knock their nitro cold brew, Luke Alvez. Okay, we all know that there is no one who is a bigger coffee snob than Prentiss and even she likes it.”

“Speaking of Prentiss, how is she doing? Has anyone seen her yet this morning?” Luke asks, perching on the edge on his desk behind Penelope with his own coffee. Tara takes a sip from her cup, hoping that no one will somehow be able to read the guilt off her face.

Penelope looks over JJ’s head towards their section chief’s office. “I think she slept here last night. Her car is in the same spot that it was yesterday and when I went into her office to give her some new files, she was stretching her neck like she does when she sleeps on the couch in there. I just feel so bad for her.”

“Are you sure her car is in the same place?” JJ asks, also turning to take a quick look before facing back to her friends. “Because she wasn’t here when I came in before heading down to the gym. Actually I think I saw her walk in with all of her bags, which doesn’t make sense because we’re grounded this week.”

“Maybe she has a new boyfriend?” Luke offers, before getting hit by Penelope. “Ow! Will you stop hitting me? What’s the matter anyway? She could use something to look forward to for when she leaves this place. Besides, when’s the last time any of us have seen her smile? Everyone needs a little something something now and then.”

“A little something something? Really, newbie?” Garcia rolls her eyes at the man. “Besides, when she leaves here I’m sure she has some kind of fabulous life planned that does not include some guy dragging her down.”

“Newbie? We’re bringing that back again?” Luke shakes his head despite the smile on his face from the old nickname. “I mean, if I had to bet, she’ll walk out of this bullpen and just disappear. I wouldn’t be surprised if all we get is some postcards all mailed from various locations so as to hide her real one.”

“Emily isn’t going to just vanish from the face of the Earth after retiring. We’re her family, that’s not going to change because we don’t work together anymore.” Garcia interjects. 

“Didn’t stop it from happening when she left for London.” JJ snips, the continual mentioning of Emily’s eventual departure getting under her skin. “If there is one thing she knows how to do, it’s to leave.”

“Don’t mind her, obviously her coffee hasn’t kicked in yet.” Garcia glares at her best friend, who at least has the decency to look mildly ashamed. “Speaking of coffee, shouldn’t you be taking those other ones to their intended parties?” The blonde turns back to Luke, tilting her head with a wink. “Jayje, can you come look at something with me in my den? I’d stay here but the room has gotten too…eh.” She gestures to Luke with her free hand. 

“I bought you coffee and let you sit in my chair.” Luke protests as the two blondes stand up. “You haven’t even said thank you yet.” Garcia waves off his words from over her shoulder, already set on her mission to talk to JJ. She barely even registers Luke muttering, “Unbelievable.”

“Here, I’ll take Emily’s up. I need to ask her about a question I have from one of my consults yesterday.” Tara offers, grabbing one of the two remaining to-go cups. Anxiety has been building in her chest since Luke offered up his theory on Prentiss’ retirement plans. It all makes so much sense, why Emily has been pushing her away. Has that been her plan the whole time? And now Tara has just made it worse. JJ is wrong about who is going to hurt everyone else. Tara takes a deep breath to try and calm her racing heart and knocks on Emily’s door before entering.

Emily looks up as her door opens and feels her heart skip a beat. She’s been feeling so guilty all morning; not even because Tara kissed her, she had no control of that, but because of how much she liked it. Honestly, she’s a little embarrassed by how much she liked it considering it was maybe the most g-rated kiss she’s ever had. But that doesn’t matter, what matters is that she kissed someone who is with someone else, and she liked it. What does that say about her? She’s never considered herself to be particularly possessive, but she knows if she had been the one in Rebecca’s shoes she would not be still giving the other woman a ride to work. Oh god, is she the ‘other woman’ now? Emily presses her tongue into the roof of her mouth to try and ground herself to the present moment. She tilts her head and raises her brow, silently encouraging the forensic psychologist to speak.

“Luke bought coffee for everyone. I brought yours up.” Tara lifts the cup in her left hand and walks closer to her boss’ desk. She sets it down and notices Emily’s slight smirk when she sees where it is from. Tara sets her bag in one of the chairs facing the desk. “I also have your gun.” She adds guiltily, grabbing it from her bag and passing it over.

“Thank you.” Emily reaches for her firearm, hoping no one is watching the exchange through the window. She does not want to be even more of the talk of the town. She places the gun on the desk and goes back to the file she was reviewing, expecting for this interaction to be over. When Tara doesn’t leave, she looks back up, already dreading the impending conversation. “Is there something else?”

“Em…”

“Don’t, we are at work. If this is not about a consult or something else, please leave.” Emily shuts Tara down as soon as the doctor opens her mouth. 

“So when are we supposed to talk? You keep running away. Is that just it? The second you can, you’re going to just disappear?” Tara throws her hands up in frustration. She can’t get Luke’s words out of her head, or JJ’s for that matter. 

Emily sucks in a breath sharply. She tightens her grip on her pen, careful to not fully snap it in half. “If I have to, yes. Whatever is best for everyone, that’s what I’ll do. And it is becoming more and more apparent that my being around just creates more problems than it solves. Once I leave, everyone can move forward without all of this mess I’ve brought on.”

“Bullshit.” Tara snaps, her worries and frustrations finally getting the best of her. “It makes it better for exactly no one for you to just disappear. In what world would that be better for anyone? Regardless of anything currently going on, you are our family. Why do you think that leaving is the answer?”

“Because you’re being a fucking idiot.” Emily snaps back. She throws her pen down and drops her head into her hands.

“Excuse me.”

Emily sighs and folds her hands in front of her, looking up at Tara calmly. “I said, you’re being a fucking idiot. You have an amazing girlfriend. Rebecca is kind and caring and forgiving. And you love her so much. You have a beautiful life with her: dinners together and domestic routines. So what the fuck are you doing? Why would you possibly risk losing her, losing that, for me? I can’t offer you anything but brokenness. Do you not see that? I’m not the type who can make you a home cooked dinner that feels like a warm hug on a bad day. Or someone who can calm you after a nightmare, because I’m probably next to you having a worse one. And if you can’t figure that out for yourself, then I’ll make it clear for you. I will never be the right choice for anyone. So get out of my office, fix things with your partner, and let me go.”

Tara feels the ground crumble out from beneath her. How is she ever going to get Emily to see how wonderful she is, how much she is loved? And how does Emily expect Tara to just move on without her? “Don’t you love me? Won’t you fight for me?”

“This is because I love you. I am fighting for you to have what you deserve.” Emily steals herself for this last part. “Which is why you need to leave. Unless you have anything related to our work, I do not have anything more to say to you. Leave my office before I have to write you up for inappropriate behavior.” The section chief gives Tara a minute to collect her stuff. Emily tries to ignore how broken Tara looks from everything. One day she’ll understand that this is the best decision for everyone involved. “Now.” 

Tara bites her cheek and grabs her bag. Her heart feels like it just went through the shredder and her stomach feels like it is being repeatedly stabbed. All she wants to do is scream and throw things and turn around and storm back into Emily's office and not leave until the section chief understands how much she is worth; but she knows she can’t do any of that. So, she walks down the three steps and settles into her desk for the morning, losing herself in her work, the only way she’s ever been able to work through her grief.

Chapter Text

Garcia shuts her office door and frowns at the blonde perched on her desk. “What the hell is going on with you?”

“What are you talking about?” JJ asks as she fidgets with one of the stretchy balls next to her. She squeezes it, causing it to light up red, blue, and green.

“Why are you being so hard on Emily? She has enough going on without having to deal with your attitude.” Penelope sits in her chair facing her best friend. “And don’t even get me started on you and Tara. It is making me glad that I can hide in here from the tension. It’s getting to the point where I almost feel bad for Luke sitting between you two. And you know how I hate feeling anything other than contempt for him.”

JJ rolls her eyes at the Luke dig and huffs. “I just think that Emily hasn’t fully thought everything through about leaving. It isn’t the right decision for her.”

“Isn’t the right decision for her or for you?” Penelope tilts her head, staring at her friend. She doesn’t love playing the hardass, but desperate times and all. “Kitten, do you think maybe you are projecting?”

“What? Have you been talking to Will?” JJ presses her fingers into her forehead, massaging it roughly.

Penelope places her hand on her friend’s knee. “I don’t need to, I know you well enough in my own right. Talking about things out loud can be very therapeutic.”

JJ hits Garcia with her best withering stare before groaning. “If I speak these words out loud to you, you absolutely cannot repeat them to anyone.” Penelope crosses her heart and smiles. “Apparently, I’m in love with Emily.”

“And?”

“And what? That’s it.”

Garcia has to stifle her snort. “Lovebug, that’s not a secret I need to keep. Because every single person who has ever been around the two of you could piece that together. Probably the only person who doesn’t know is Emily herself.” The technical analyst taps JJ’s hand to get the profiler to look at her. “So, I ask again. Why are you acting like this? It’s not the first time Emily’s left the unit. And despite what you said earlier, she still stayed in contact with all of us when she was in London.”

“I don’t know, okay? I know I have no right to feel like this. And it’s not even so much that she's leaving but why she’s leaving.” JJ bites her lip. “Emily’s in love with Tara, and she’s leaving so they can be together. Or at least I thought she was but Tara is still with Rebecca, so I don’t really know what is going on.”

“So, you’re causing all of this tension because you’re jealous?” Penelope rolls her eyes and crosses her legs. She really isn’t surprised, it’s what she thought was the case. Doesn’t make it sound any less stupid. “Well, if there is one way to push Emily away it is to be mad at her for your own feelings. She loves to blame herself for things she has no control over, gold medalist in that.”

“I’m not–”

“Then lashing out at Tara and Emily because you don’t like Emily potentially being with someone else is…?” Penelope grabs JJ’s hand and squeezes, trying to give her friend support and strength through the touch. “It’s okay that you feel this way lovebug. It’s not okay that you’re acting like this. You don’t get to keep Emily for yourself, especially since she’s never been yours to keep. You also don’t get to keep acting like an ass to everyone because you don’t like something. You’re making Michael look more emotionally mature than you. And as much as I love my godson, he’s like nine and you’re too old to be acting like that. So how do we get you to stop your tantrums?”

“You’re mean.” JJ tosses the fidget in her hand at her friend, who catches it effortlessly. She knows she has been behaving like a child; doesn’t mean she likes being called out so directly. “And if I knew how to stop acting like this, I would’ve stopped by now.”

Garcia tosses the ball back, her mind working in overtime. “I prefer calling it being brutally honest, but I suppose mean works too. If you want to complain about it, go commiserate with Luke, who is probably still moping because of earlier.” She taps her fingers against the desk. “And have you, I don’t know, tried talking to Emily about it all?”

“Of course I’ve tried talking to her about it.” JJ snaps, immediately feeling guilty for her tone. “But every time I think about it I just lose control, so it usually just looks like me yelling at her. Not exactly conducive for fixing things.”

“I mean, telling her the truth, not masking the issue.” 

“I’m not telling Emily that I’m in love with her.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m with Will, and I don’t think her having another taken person in love with her is actually going to make anything better.” JJ bites her lip. God, she feels like the worst friend in the world. She probably is at this point.

Penelope’s eyes soften. She can understand wanting to hide from your feelings, especially when you know rejection is the only reasonable response. “You were with Will when you told Spencer about your long standing feelings for him.”

JJ barks out a laugh. “That was at gun point, Pen. It wasn’t exactly something I chose to say willingly.”

“Okay, so I am now holding the proverbial gun to you. Because if you don’t fix this, I fear our little family unit that we’ve fought so hard for over the years is going to die.” Garcia pats JJ’s thigh. “Now, sugar, as much as I love you, I do have work I need to do so that it doesn’t all fall on Emily’s plate.”

JJ drops her head but acquiesces anyway. She also has consults she needs to work on and a few reports to finish up. She heads back to her desk, bouncing Penelope’s advice around her mind. On one hand, it could feel freeing to get this off her chest, but on the other, well, she wasn’t lying when she said she doesn’t think Emily needs another colleague in love with her. But Pen is also right; she can’t claim protecting their boss when she is slinging verbal spears every chance she gets. Ugh, she thought by this age all this relationship drama wouldn’t exist, especially since she’s been taken for 18 years. JJ looks over at Tara as she takes her seat at her desk. The psychologist is lost in her work, and by lost, she really looks lost.

Tara has been staring at the second page of this file for probably ten minutes. Her mind keeps bouncing between Emily and Rebecca. She doesn’t want to give up on Emily, but damn if it doesn’t feel like she is trying to open up a rock that she can only hope is a geode. She knows that Emily is wrong about herself, that there is so much goodness to love inside the section chief; but how the hell is she supposed to put a mirror up to it when it is hidden behind a thick stone wall? How is she supposed to find the stress point at which to position her chisel? And then there is Rebecca. Tara hasn’t been able to reach her yet today, the lawyer bouncing between meetings all morning. She knows that she hurt her girlfriend, but she hopes it’s not unforgivably so. She had still been in the memory of her dream, the three of them living in harmony and when she had walked into the kitchen, well, she hadn’t been able to remember that it wasn’t actual reality. But Tara has come to one conclusion, she is going to fight with all she has to keep Rebecca, even if that does mean letting Emily go. Obviously, that’s not how she hopes this will work out, but Emily was right about one thing; she has been an idiot when it comes to Rebecca and she’s taken her girlfriend for granted. Tara sighs out when she feels someone watching her and looks up just in time to see JJ’s eyes dart away towards the computer screen in front of the blonde. She shakes her head, she does not have it in her this morning to deal with JJ’s shit anymore.

The morning passes in a tense silence, Luke picking up on nobody being in the mood to talk, though he does sneak off to bother Garcia for a few minutes. By the time it is mid-afternoon, almost everyone’s work is wrapping up. JJ stands from her desk and stretches before taking the few steps to Tara’s desk. She waits for a moment for the psychologist to look up. “Is there something you need help with?” Tara hopes her question doesn’t come off too acidic but she still feels emotionally turbulent. 

“Can I buy you a coffee?” JJ asks, hoping a peace offering can help make headway into fixing their friendship.

Tara arches an eyebrow but takes in the other profiler's apologetic stance. “The good coffee across the street or the shitty cafeteria coffee?” 

“The good coffee, of course. I’ll even throw in a pain d’chocolate.” 

“It’s pain au chocolat, and sure. Just give me a minute to wrap this up.” Tara nods to the consult she is working on. She’s skeptical about the bribe, but does want the caffeine and sweet treat, so she’ll see what JJ wants.

JJ rolls her eyes affectionately. “I took Spanish in high school and retained absolutely nothing. Sorry we can’t all be polyglots like you and Em.” She chuckles when Tara waves her away dismissively. 

“Did I hear something about coffee?” Luke asks, already ready to jump out of his chair. He is not made for desk work, and the past couple of weeks have been so tedious. 

“Down boy, we’ll bring you back something. Let me guess, your order is just a black coffee.” JJ grabs her wallet from her purse along with her badge and gun. 

Luke drops his head and pouts. “I’m not saying I want someone to start killing a bunch of people, but I am going crazy sitting at this desk. And also, can I have a mocha latte?”

Tara and JJ both snap their heads towards him. “I’m sorry, Mr. There’s only one way to drink coffee wants something fancy.” Tara questions as she gathers her own things. “Am I dreaming or were you body swapped? Because what is going on here?” JJ nods in agreement, equally baffled by the request.

Luke raises his hands in submission. “Okay, so maybe I was a little harsh this morning. I do think that for every day, black coffee works just fine. But is it such a crime for a man to want a little treat after a long day of paperwork?”

Tara just rolls her eyes, laughing at her coworker while JJ agrees to get him his “fancy” coffee. The two of them leave the bullpen and walk to the elevators in silence. JJ isn’t entirely sure how to start the conversation and Tara is letting the blonde take the lead since this was her idea in the first place. They get to the cafe and order their coffees and pastries before finding a small table in the corner. JJ fidgets with her wedding ring before groaning. “I hate this.” She complains, catching Tara’s attention. “We’ve literally never struggled to talk to each other. Even from the first time we met, we clicked. But the past two days, God, they have just sucked.”

“Yeah,” Tara quietly agrees. “They have sucked. But I wasn’t exactly the one who created the canyon between us.”

JJ bites her lip and looks down. “I know, and I’m sorry. I have no excuse for my behavior. I guess I just don’t handle change well, and I’ve been taking it out on you and Emily. I hope you can possibly forgive me and that we can get back to our friendship the way it was.”

“Look Jen,” Tara sighs, running her finger around the rim of her coffee cup lid. “Honestly, it’s not like you’ve really said anything to me personally that is unforgivable. I’m cool to move past this if you can keep yourself and your feelings in check. But you have to apologize to Prentiss. Because some of what you’ve said to her, and this is just from what I’ve heard, has been diabolical. I mean, had you said that stuff to me, nothing less than straight up groveling would repair our relationship. And until you smooth things over with her, I think your relationship with the whole team will be rough. Emily deserves the chance to find peace and happiness outside of the BAU.”

“No, I know. And I want that for her, I really do. I just, I don’t know.” Jen looks up when the barista approaches with their order, placing it on the table. She smiles and thanks the worker before taking a slow sip of her coffee. She hums as the warmth spreads through her. “Thank you for your forgiveness. I will be better, I promise. And I’m going to fix things with Em; I am willing to do anything, even if that means groveling. She’s my best friend and has been for what feels like forever at this point. And the fact that I am the reason our relationship has become so strained, well, it doesn’t feel great.” JJ wipes away the tears of frustration that have appeared. “God, I’m such a mess. Sorry, I just need a minute. How are you with everything that’s been going on? I’ve seen Rebecca around, which I need to apologize to her too.”

Tara shifts in her chair and takes a quick sip of her coffee. “JJ, I really do forgive you for what you’ve said and done recently, but I don’t think I’m comfortable talking about my relationship with you at the moment. Just with everything that has happened and out of respect for everybody involved, I do think that’s a boundary I need to put in place, at least for now.”

JJ breathes out slowly, having managed to regain control of her emotions. “Right, no of course. I completely understand and I respect that. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t’ve asked.”

“You don’t have to apologize for asking, I hadn’t set the boundary prior to that. I don’t want you to flip to self flagellation. You had emotions, you acted out, you’re human.” Tara catches her friend’s red rimmed eyes and smiles. “We’ve all had emotional outbursts. Or have you forgotten how bad Dave was to be around after Krystall passed away? It’s gonna take a little while for things to get back to where they were, but that doesn’t mean you have to apologize for every bump on the road there. Cause that gets really annoying.” Both profilers laugh and JJ sinks into her seat a little bit more and grabs her pastry.

About a half hour after leaving, JJ and Tara stroll back into the bullpen, casually chatting with two coffees in hand. They split apart when they get to their desks, Tara dropping unceremoniously into her chair and getting right back into her consults for the day. She needs to finish these up quickly so that she can get home to talk to Rebecca, who did text her back letting her know that she would see her later. JJ hands Alvez his mocha with another dig about his coffee choice and his earlier comments on the proper way to drink the beverage before heading up the three steps to their unit chief’s office, the other coffee in hand being her liquid lifeline. She knocks on the door three times before entering, coffee first and a gentle and slightly submissive smile following.

Emily is hunched over the files on her desk, her pen resting against her lip as she reads the case report, checking for anything that might need fixed. Her head is pounding and her neck hurts from sleeping on a couch the night before. And, she still has to look over the budget for all the units under her. Why she placed herself in both positions is a mystery she is still grappling with today. Technically she knows why she did it, it was to help the BAU, but had she taken a moment to think it through, maybe she would have done literally anything else. Dave does what he can, but there is just no way to fully spare herself from her own stupidity. The unit chief rolls her neck as she looks up, her headache slightly intensifying when she sees who is entering her office. There are five other people in this unit and only the two she doesn’t want to see are the ones who keep coming to her door. What kind of statistical bullshit is this? Of course, Reid would tell her that human behavior cannot be properly dictated by statistics and that a 40% chance is not as negligible as she might like it to be; but were he here, she’d tell him to shut it and that now the probability has dropped to 33.33% for people in the unit she would like to avoid. But her pseudo little brother is not here and she is just arguing with herself like a crazy person. Great. 

“Tara and I went out for coffee and I brought you one back. I thought you could maybe use the caffeine pick me up by now, especially since you have so much work to catch up on.” JJ  hands the drink over to her section chief and perches on the arm of one of the chairs on the other side of the desk. 

“Thank you.” Emily forces out a tight lipped smile before savoring the first sip of the coffee. “How are your consults coming?” 

JJ jovially rolls her eyes. “About as they always do. Feel free to send some more my way, I’m almost done with my last one. Though I do think Luke might die from being chained to his desk. He’s started musing if he can do tackling practice with the trainees just to feel something. You’d think this was a punishment instead of a welcomed break.” Both women chuckle lightly, Emily stealing a glance out to the bullpen. She tries not to notice the tension in Tara’s shoulders as her eyes sweep over the forensic psychologist. She just has to keep reminding herself that this is the right choice. JJ catalogues the sorrow in her friend’s deep brown eyes; she swallows down the guilt that rises in her throat, trying to remember that she needs to control her emotions. “How’s it being back?”

Emily turns her attention back to the profiler in her office and sighs, her head dropping forward causing some hair to fall into her face. “Let’s just say that if your next section chief ever says they are going to be both the unit and section chief, stop them by any means necessary. I’m just happy my other unit chiefs have helped pick up some of my slack recently.”

“That bad?” JJ winces.

Emily just stops and stares at her friend for a minute, her blank face showing just how much she is joking. “I might almost take the cattle prod again over this paperwork.” She reaches back and rubs her neck. “If I ever go missing, check under this mountain of case files first. I’m scared of speaking too loudly and causing an avalanche.”

JJ laughs at her jokes; she’d almost believe that everything between them were okay if not for the obvious tension in the older woman’s shoulders and the lack of warmth in her eyes. But then, Emily has always been skilled in masking. “The boys have been asking about you. It’s been a little bit since they’ve seen you.” 

Emily grimaces. She’s never meant to ignore her nephews in her avoidance of their mom. “I know, I should make time to see them. I’ll try to find a day soon where I can take them out. Maybe we can go see a movie and get dinner or something. I know Pen will probably insist on joining too.”

“Well, I know Will would love to see you too. Why don’t you just come over for dinner some night this week? You can do a whole day with them later, maybe after you retire. It doesn’t have to be anything fancy, and you can always come right back here after if you still have work to do.” JJ knows using her husband and kids as a bartering tool to be able to see Emily outside of the office might be a little low, but if there is one thing she knows about her friend, it is that her walls are never more securely in place than at work. If the blonde wants any hope of getting the older woman to open up, she has to get them out of Quantico. 

Emily wants to say no. Literally every fiber in her being is screaming at her to deny the request and push it off until she can steal Michael and Henry away for an afternoon, maybe when JJ is away on a case for extra measure. But as she looks at the big pleading blue eyes waiting for her answer, she knows she’s screwed. She has never been able to deny the blonde anything ever, it might just be her achilles’ heel and JJ knows it. “Fine.” She groans out.

“Don’t sound too excited about it.” JJ teases, happy that her plan is working. “How about Thursday this week? Will is off and I know he has been dying to cook for somebody other than just the four of us.”

“Yeah, fine. Thursday works, but tell Will not to go to too much trouble. I’d be fine with a pb&j for dinner.” Emily takes another sip of her coffee, willing something to come up to give her an excuse not to go to this dinner. Not that she doesn’t want to see the LaMontagues but she can feel that this is a set up for JJ to talk to her about everything that has happened and she could live without that.

JJ stands and claps her hands with excitement. “Oh, I’ll try, but you know Will. He might hand make the bread, peanut butter, and jelly. The boys are going to be so excited.” She bites her lip to stop herself from saying more than she should. “I’ll leave you back to your mountain. But hey, make sure to go home tonight and try to get some proper sleep in your bed. That couch didn’t do you any favors.”

“How do you know I slept on the couch last night?” Emily raises a brow, her question stopping the blonde in the doorway.

JJ smiles wistfully. “Your neck told Pen who told me. Which is odd cause I thought I saw you walk in this morning on my way to the gym. So actually make it home tonight.”

Emily schools her face to be careful not to give anything away. “You probably did see me walk in. I left my go bag in my car last night. But don’t worry, I will definitely be going home tonight.” She lifts her cup slightly. “Thanks again for the coffee.”

Chapter Text

Tara almost drops the pot of pasta she is about to drain when the front door opens, Rebecca sighing dramatically as she enters the house. Luckily, the agent steadies herself, pouring the pasta and boiling hot water into the strainer in the sink. “You’re right on time. I’m almost done with the mac’n’cheese.” She dumps the now drained pasta back into the pot and moves back to the stove, grabbing the skillet with the cheese sauce in it and pouring it in with the noodles. “I just did stove top tonight, but I can bake it for a little if you want and don’t mind waiting like 15 minutes or so.”

“Tara…” Rebecca leans against the doorway of the kitchen but her posture is anything but relaxed. She watches as her girlfriend tries a bite of the food before adding a bit more salt and other seasonings to it.

The agent freezes slightly at the lawyer’s tone. Nothing good has ever come after that tone is used. “I know we need to talk. But can it wait until after we eat? You’ve been running around all day and I’m sure you haven’t eaten anything since breakfast this morning and that was well over 12 hours ago.” Tara tries to keep her voice neutral, hoping her words are coming out less shaky than she feels. “Please?”

Rebecca bites her lip. She’s been dreading this conversation all day; it’s never been a pleasant one to have. It wasn’t when she had to have it with Elaine a few years ago and it won’t be now. But she can hear the fear, the denial, the plead for one last meal together in Tara’s voice, and if she can’t give Tara anything else, she can at least give her this. “Yeah, it can wait until after.” 

Dinner passes too quickly for either of their liking, conversation kept on their respective days and avoiding anything even vaguely relating to the issue at hand. They work together to clean up the kitchen, moving slightly slower than they usually might. It is almost painful in how comfortable it is, the way they move around each other, loading the dishwasher and packing up leftovers. It’s a dance they’ve done together for months now, a testament to their synchronicity as a couple. They are only able to delay the inevitable for so long, and within minutes, the kitchen is clean and the dishwasher is running. Rebecca places the last dish she had to hand wash in the draining rack, her shoulders slumping as she mentally braces herself for the impending conversation. Tara reaches over and grabs her hand, pulling her in for a tight hug. Rebecca stiffens for a minute before collapsing in the embrace, her head resting right above Tara’s heart. She listens to the steady beat as tears prickle the corner of her eyes. Why can’t she ever find a love that will last? Why is she always second place? 

Tara rests her chin gently on the top of her girlfriend’s head. She breathes in slowly, trying to hold onto this moment for as long as possible. She wonders for a moment if Rebecca can hear the shards of her heart clinking against each other with each beat. She knows that whatever happens next is her fault; it so often is. She never should’ve invited Emily over last night, she never should’ve gone to Emily’s on Friday, or pushed her boss to open up, she never should’ve admitted to feelings that she can never act on. But she did; she did all of those things and now she must live with those consequences. She must live with losing the two most important people in her life because she couldn’t keep things together. She has to live with watching them implode because she was focusing on her own feelings instead of caring for them. It’s just like her father and Gabriel all over again. Hasn’t she learned by now that she can’t put herself first without hurting everyone around her?

Rebecca pulls back enough to look up into Tara’s eyes, despair and guilt reflecting out of the dark brown irises. The lawyer feels her heart drop in her chest; she’s never been good with handling people she loves being in pain. She lifts up to her tip toes and guides Tara’s head down to meet hers with a hand on the back of the neck. Their lips meet, softly moulding together. They both melt into the kiss, Tara leaning down into it while pulling Rebecca closer. The agent’s warm hand rests firmly on the small of the lawyer’s back, locking them in place. Tara spins them until Rebecca’s back is resting against the counter. She surprises the shorter woman by lifting her up to sit on top of the counter. Rebecca laughs breathily into the kiss as she spreads her legs to fit her girlfriend between them. She moves her hands up the back of Tara’s neck and entangles her fingers into the other woman’s hair. Tara rests her hands on Rebecca’s waist, her fingers spreading out possessively across the lawyer’s back, thumbs grazing the bottom of her breasts. Rebecca in turn hooks one of her legs behind Tara’s back, pulling them impossibly closer. Their mouths open in sync, tongues moving against each other, well practiced in this dance. After a couple minutes, they break apart, foreheads resting against each other’s, panting for breaths. Rebecca bites the inside of her cheek, trying to find the strength she needs to have this conversation. “Tara, we still need to talk.”

Tara nods her head, just barely so that she doesn’t disconnect from her girlfriend, her eyes still closed. She already feels the pressure of tears building behind her eyes and her throat closing. Is it too late to save this? Will she be able to find the words she needs to stop everything from falling apart? If only she could have more time, just a little more time to put everything together. She could write a dissertation on her love for the woman in her arms, thousands of words about why she can’t bear the thought of losing this relationship. She could write hundreds of poems about how this love has changed her for the better and how she is willing to sacrifice whatever she has to to get the lawyer to understand that. Hell, if she just had a few days with it, she could be put on trial and present to the jury a testimony so lovely that there wouldn’t be a dry eye in the courtroom. But she hasn’t had the chance to lock herself in a room with a pen and a paper to try and connect the dots in her mind to make sense of her feelings in a way to explain to someone else. Her brain has never moved smoothly or quickly when it comes to understanding her inner self. She thought getting her doctorate in psychology might help her, and while it gave her all the tools needed to break down her mind, she still doesn’t have a how-to-guide. How is she supposed to get Rebecca to understand? “Yeah, let’s go sit in the living room.” She goes to take a step back so she can help the other woman down from the counter but is stopped by Rebecca’s leg still behind her back.

“In a minute.” Rebecca knows she is still just avoiding the inevitable but she can’t stop herself. She has always struggled with boundaries, especially internal ones. “I just want another minute.” She whispers as she presses her lips to Tara’s again, just for a moment, pulling away slowly. After another deep breath, Rebecca lowers her leg and lets Tara help her off the counter. She squeezes her girlfriend’s hand before leading them into the living room and curling up in the corner of the couch. Tara sits opposite of her, the space between them feeling insurmountable. They sit there staring at each other in silence for a minute, each lost in their own heads.

“I’m sorry.” Tara starts, just wanting the silence to end, and hoping that maybe if she goes first, she’ll be able to change Rebecca’s mind. “I was still half asleep this morning but that doesn’t excuse my actions. I can’t even imagine how you’re feeling right now, but I’ll do anything to make this right. Just say the word, I promise.”

“Tara…”

“No, don’t just Tara me.” Tara pulls her knee up to her chest and wraps her arms around it. She doesn’t know whether completely breaking down will help or hurt her, so she’ll do what she does best and try to keep her composure. “Becks, I can’t just lose you. And I know that I fucked up and this is all my fault, but I’m begging you to fight for this, fight for us.”

“I want to fight.” Rebecca bites her lip to keep herself from crying. “But you and Emily…”

“I’ll never talk to her again.” Tara cuts off Rebecca, feeling her chest cave in. What is she supposed to do to not lose everything? “Except for at work, and even then it will only be strictly professional. And when she retires, that’ll be it. If that’s what you want, if that’s what you need.”

Rebecca scoffs at the offer. “And have you resent me for making you cut off your best friend? Also causing cracks in all of your other relationships because the team is one big family.”

“I’ll get a different job.” Tara offers, saying whatever she can think of. They can work out the logistics later, just so long as Rebecca stays.

“You love your job.”

“I love you more.” How can Tara get Rebecca to understand that she is all in on this relationship? That she won’t go anywhere.

“More than Emily?” Rebecca challenges, getting her answer when Tara falters, unable to simply answer that. “That’s what I thought.”

“It’s not that simple, I–”

“Stop! Just stop.” Rebecca feels her breath getting heavier as her vision blurs a little. “I can’t keep being in second place. I was second place to Elaine’s alcoholism and now I’m second place again. Or I guess I was always second place with you, and I thought I could do it because nothing was ever happening between you and Emily. And then that all changed. And I just can’t, no, I won’t do that again. And this kills me, okay. It fucking kills me, Tara, because I thought I had finally found the one. And I love you so much and I want to fight for us so badly. I hated when we were separated a few months ago. But I have to fight for myself too, don’t I? Because no one else is going to fight for me. Well, maybe Emily will in some kind of self sabotaging way, but no one else.”

Tara’s heart falls in her chest heavily as she hears the way Rebecca describes their relationship. Is this what she’s been silently communicating? How does she change that? How can she change that? “ I’m trying to fight for you.”

“Because Emily kicked you to the curb. If she hadn’t; if she was standing here too trying to get you to choose her, can you honestly say that you would still be fighting for me?” Rebecca yells, all of the anger and grief that she’s been trying to ignore boiling over. “I deserve better than that. I deserve more than being your backup after you get rejected. And I just don’t get how I can love you so much and for you to not feel the same.”

The room starts closing in around Tara, everything feeling too heavy and too much. She wants to just shut down. She wants to run away and catch her breath. None of this is right. None of this should be happening. What words are she supposed to say? 

Rebecca takes the other woman’s silence as confirmation that everything she says is true. Even though she knew this was going to happen, a small part of her still had hopes that somehow she was reading the situation incorrectly. But when’s the last time she had been wrong about something like this. Even still, she wants Tara to say something, anything. This silence is suffocating and amplifying all the thoughts of worthlessness that have been playing in her head on a loop. Because how is someone like Tara ever supposed to love someone like herself more than someone like Emily. Rebecca’s not as smart or accomplished as the older woman. She doesn’t attract all of the attention in the room by the pure power radiating off of her. How was she ever supposed to compare?

“Have you ever run a race and crossed the finish line at the exact same time as someone else?” Tara’s voice cuts into the lawyer’s self esteem spiral. “Or tied for top GPA at school down to the exact decimal point?”

“What are you talking about?” Rebecca half croaks out, her voice hoarse from the tears streaming down her face.

Tara takes a deep breath, trying to keep her racing mind on track. “Have you ever had to split a first place ribbon in half? Because that is what this is. You say you can’t be in second place, but you aren’t. You came out of nowhere and stole my heart. Sure, maybe I’ve loved Emily for longer, but that doesn’t mean I love her more or less than you. That’s what I am trying to get you to understand.” She doesn’t know how to get her words to land any clearer. 

“You say that, but if Emily wanted you all to herself, I’m sure she’d have you. I’m only being offered half because she won’t allow you to just cast me to the side.”

“That’s not true. That’s never been true.” Tara bridges the gap on the couch, sitting on her knees on the middle cushion and grabs Rebecca’s hands. “I never meant for you to feel like I am not always fighting for you too. I got lost in a dream world thinking that I could be with both of you. But being with you doesn’t feel like I’m missing anything. Being with you is a dream world of its own. So I am willing to do anything to prove that to you, whether it’s completely cutting off Em or getting a new job. If that’s what it takes to keep you with me, I’ll do it. Because you’re first place, you are. With me, you are always first place. And because I made a commitment to you, you get the say, not Emily or anybody else. So, if you want me all to yourself, you have me. That’s always been what I’ve been thinking, you’ll have to trust me on that.” Tara blinks as the tears she’s been fighting against fall down her cheeks. “I’m sorry I didn’t communicate this to you before. I just keep freezing and not feeling like I have the right words to use, but I should’ve made more of an effort to try. Especially yesterday, when you first voiced your fears that you don’t matter as much to me. I’ve been so focused on myself and what I’ve been feeling and thinking and on Em and everything happening at work. So, when you were being your steady, helpful self yesterday, I took that at face value. I let myself believe that you somehow knew everything that was in my mind because it was easier. And I’ve been taking you for granted. I know that I’m asking a lot in asking you to forgive me, but I promise to make this up to you. Just tell me what you want me to do and I’ll do it.”

Rebecca looks down at where their hands are joined before looking back up into Tara’s eyes. She so badly wants to believe everything that was just said, but, and she hates to admit this, a part of her doesn’t trust that it can be true. How does she know that Tara isn’t just saying what she wants to hear? “Okay, that’s what I want. I want you to leave the BAU and to cut off Emily. If you really mean this, that’s what I need to believe you.”

The hole in Tara’s chest feels like it is growing so large that she’ll collapse in on herself. But she was serious in her offer. She will do whatever she can to prove to Rebecca her love. “I understand. It’ll take a little bit to find somewhere to transfer to. I’ll probably switch to teaching, I think, because I can’t do the FBI Psych department again. Um, hopefully my transfer won’t be held up like Emily’s retirement is because of the Voit case. So, I’ll need you to be a little patient with me, but I can hopefully make this change happen within the month. And, you know, this will probably give me a chance to get back into doing research, which I’ve kinda let fall to the side in recent years. I also won’t be traveling as much, which is a plus. I’ll be home more.” 

Rebecca watches as Tara’s face switches from sorrow to determination to make the best of this. She takes a deep breath, now having her answer. “Tara…”

“This can work, I’ll contact Georgetown’s Psych and Criminal Justice departments tomorrow. See if they have a spot that I can fit into. Or maybe I’ll see if Howard is hiring, it would be nice to work at an HBCU. I mean, there are a lot of universities in and around the district. Or we can move out to San Francisco, if you still want to make that move. That might take a little while longer but I have savings and you will still be working, so I can still leave the BAU in two weeks time. And I’ve missed California, I have some friends out there that I think you would really like.” 

“Tara.”

Tara's head snaps up from her spiral, focusing on her girlfriend again. ‘Anything for you. I’ll do this, I will.”

“I know.” Rebecca reaches up and cradles Tara’s cheek with her hand, slowly stroking the soft skin with her thumb. “But I won’t let you.”

The forensic psychologist’s brow furrows deeply. “What do you mean? Because I’m not lying. I don’t want to lose you.”

Rebecca blinks her eyes a few times, loosening a few tears to fall down her cheeks. “I’m not going anywhere, but neither are you. I just…needed to know that you are serious. But I’m not letting you give up your family for me. I could never ask you to do that, not really.”

“Oh, thank god.” Tara chuckles through her sigh, leaning into her girlfriend’s hand on her face. “I love you so much. I really do.”

Rebecca pushes herself up to kiss the other woman, her other hand gripping Tara’s waist like her life depends on it. Tara immediately wraps her arms around the lawyer, pulling them together so much that she loses her balance, falling back onto the couch and bringing her girlfriend with her. They both laugh in surprise before meeting their lips together again. Tara lifts up her hips enough to get her legs out from under her, Rebecca resting on top of her. “I love you too.” Rebecca whispers against Tara’s lips. Her mind shuffles around all of the events that have been happening this weekend. She feels like she hasn’t had a minute to rest and really take time to herself. Or to even process any of what Tara was talking about yesterday when it came to dating two people. She tried to look it up but didn’t have time to look into what constituted a credible source or not. “What if I change my mind?”

Tara stills beneath the lawyer, already trying to figure out what topic is up now. “Change your mind on what? On me staying in the job or on us being together or what? Because babe, I promise you that I am committed to this relationship, to you. So if there is ever something you need from me, you just need to communicate that to me.”

Rebecca bites her lip, now understanding what Tara meant about trying to find the right words to use. “On Emily.”

“Strictly professional, you have my word. I’ll keep to that, I promise, and you don’t have to worry about her. She made it clear to me today that she is not open to talking to me about anything other than work, but even if that were to change for her, it won’t for me.” Tara promises, even though she feels the hole in her chest starting to ache again. She hadn’t lied when she said that her wanting to be with Emily didn’t have anything to do with feeling like something is missing in this relationship; it’s just that accepting that she is losing someone so important to her hurts. And it is going to continue to hurt, but she’ll heal.

“I know, I trust you.” Even as the words leave Rebecca’s mouth, they feel foreign. It’s not like they are a lie, just a new concept. She hasn’t trusted anyone since Elaine, and that only ended in a complete dumpster fire. What’s the worst that can happen? Rebecca tries to shut down her sarcastic and cynical thoughts and focus on the present. “I’m saying, what if I agree to you dating her too?”

“You just said…?”

“I know. I–” Rebecca sighs and sits up, scooting down the couch to give Tara room to sit up too. “I don’t know, okay. I don’t know. This whole thing is just so confusing. And I never even really thought about what you were saying about the whole polyamory thing because it felt like you were just stringing me along or something. But then we just had this whole conversation which has maybe been the most honest one we’ve had in our entire relationship and the worry that I will just be tossed to the side is easing in my chest and maybe I could think about it.” Rebecca throws her head back into the cushion behind her and tosses her arm over her eyes. “I can’t make any promises, maybe I’ll look into this more and still want to be monogamous.”

“You don’t have to do this. It was a dumb thought and I appreciate that you are even willing to think about it but it was never fair of me to ask that of you.” Tara reaches out to hold Rebecca’s other hand, turning it over between her palms.

Rebecca drops her arm off her face and turns her head to look at her girlfriend. “You were willing to throw everything else away for us. The least I can do is a little research into this, especially if being polyamorous is part of your identity. But we need to be more mindful of our communication. I know I need to be better about letting you into the negative self-talk spirals that start in my head and telling you what I need. But you also have to talk to me. You can’t just get all cerebral and shut me out. I’m not a mind reader.”

“Agreed.” Tara nods, a slow smile spreading across her face. “If it makes you feel better, Emily will kick my ass if I ever let you slip to the sidelines again. Today she called me a fucking idiot, which was fair. But I think it wasn’t far off from her literally whacking some sense into me.”

“She told me that she would go full hermit if I wanted her to. All I had to do was say the word and she’d pull out a magic wand and disappear on the count of three.” Rebecca rolls her eyes with a wry smile. 

“God, why does it sound like Emily is fighting harder for this relationship than we ever have?” Tara groans. “It’d be more admirable if it didn’t come at the cost of self deprecation.”

Rebecca lets out a dry laugh of disbelief. “And it’s really fucking confusing and annoying too, because I would really like to be mad at her or something but everytime I turn around she is sacrificing herself in some new way to keep us together.”

“But that can all wait for now. You don’t have to come to a decision anytime soon, or really anytime ever. Right now, can we maybe head to bed? I just want to hold you close.” Tara asks, lifting their clasped hands up to her mouth.

Rebecca smiles and presses a kiss to the other woman’s cheek. “You can hold me, but I do think that maybe that should wait until after we’ve fully made up.”

“Fully made up?”

The lawyer stands with a smirk. “Well, we’ve talked about it, but now I think we need to have sex about it.” She wiggles her brow with a laugh and dashes up the stairs, Tara close behind her.

Chapter Text

BC: Hello, this is Agent Beatriz Carr with OPR. I will be recording the interviews I am having with the agents in the BAU following the stabbing of Lee Duval aka Elias Voit at FCI Collymore. Please state your name for the record and we can begin.

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JJ: Supervisory Special Agent Jennifer Jareau 

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PG: Senior Technical Analyst Penelope Garcia

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LA: SSA Luke Alvez

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TL: Dr. Tara Lewis

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DR: Is this really necessary?

BC: Yes.

DR: SSA David Rossi

BC: Thank you.

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BC: When did you first suspect that there was a network of serial killers?

TL: Well, I was called out to Washington state to check out a shipping container that had been found buried that was full of human remains, that was when we knew that there was at least one serial killer who had been working beneath our noses for years. At the same time, agents Rossi, Jareau, and Alvez were working cases that had similarities to the shipping container, but were being committed by different unsubs.

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BC: Your team named the shipping container killer Sicarius…

DR: No, some jagoffs in forensics started calling him that. We don’t give nicknames to these monsters. 

BC: I have notes from the case where different team members refer to him as Sicarius.

DR: Well, the name stuck, but we didn’t name him that. And I want that on the record.

BC: The shipping container killer, nicknamed Sicarius…

DR: *ahem*

BC: Not by the BAU, was later determined to be Benjamin Reeves, who killed himself after killing his mother.

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JJ: No, Benjamin Reeves was a patsy. He was set up by the real Sicarius to keep the network underground. Meanwhile, the real Sicarius was busy trying to blow up SSA Alvez and myself.

BC: You both were lucky to escape.

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LA: It wasn’t luck. Sicarius was more concerned with destroying any potential evidence than he was with killing us. He didn’t want the potential heat of the FBI on his back after killing two agents.

BC: The AG closed the investigation following the death of Benjamin Reeves.

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PG: Well, she did. But you see, our team, we knew it couldn’t’ve been Reeves. Furthermore, there were still crimes happening after he died. And we ended up finding footage of Sicarius buying supplies for his creepy toolkits.

BC: And that footage is how you were able to identify Elias Voit as a person of interest?

PG: Well–not exactly…

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DR: Ultimately, it was. We narrowed it down to tell that he lived somewhere in the Pacific Northwest. I knocked on doors until I met Sydney Voit, who recognized Elias in the photo.

BC: But Sydney didn’t cooperate with you or your team?

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JJ: Sydney Voit was under Elias’ control. They had two kids together and to her he was nothing more than a loving if slightly absent father and husband. Elias used the general distrust of law enforcement officers against us. She cooperated fully with our team after seeing what Voit was capable of.

BC: And she saw this after your team kept following and harassing the Voits?

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LA: He trapped Rossi in a container underground. What is wrong with you people? If we had let them get away, he would’ve eventually killed his family. And even then he did try to kill his wife after killing our own deputy director.

BC: Voit and his lawyer claimed that his actions were all done in self defense.

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TL: *sighs* Elias Voit was extremely intelligent and knew how to work the system. He knew that the burden of proof was on us and so all he had to do was continue to deny everything. He also knew that the most we concretely had on him was that he set up the network that the different unsubs used to communicate.

BC: And this was what he used to make a deal with Director Madison to reduce his sentencing on the condition that he help your team apprehend Gold Star?

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PG: His network was too well protected, so I wasn’t able to find them with my normal super computer skills. So unfortunately, we had to accept the deal.

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DR: The deal was bullshit. He didn’t give us anything of substance to help us catch Gold Star because doing so would’ve incriminated him. We only accepted it because we had no choice, and even with it, we almost lost Prentiss.

BC: Voit did help secure a meeting in Iowa with Gold Star.

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LA: He also gave Jade and Damien a warning with Morse Code over that call, which they used to circumvent our efforts to arrest them.

BC: Can you confirm that Agent Prentiss gave an order to take out Elias Voit while your team was in the field with him?

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JJ: She didn’t…*huffs* Emily just wanted us to be on high alert that this could be a chance for Voit to escape custody, so she wanted us to keep a close eye on him too in case there was a moment of chaos, which there was. 

BC: But Voit did not use that opportunity to escape.

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TL: As I said, Voit is extremely intelligent. He would’ve known that we were watching him closely and that the only option we would’ve had to stop him from escaping was with our snipers aimed at the park. 

BC: So, there were never any moments where you were worried that you or anyone on your team wanted to take justice in their own hands?

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JJ: No, of course not.

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PG: Oh, no. That’s not what we, I mean, none of us would ever.

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LA: No. And why are we even caring that this asshole died in a prison fight anyway. He most likely just said the wrong thing to someone. The guy didn’t know when to shut up.

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DR: The bastard tried to kill me, so of course I thought about returning the favor. But I never would’ve actually done anything and neither would anyone else on the team. 

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TL: Justice has always been the only concern of anyone on our team, but especially justice for the victims and their families. No justice was served in this situation, that’s how I know that this wasn’t done by anyone who has devoted their entire lives to protecting and serving the people and working to ensure justice for all. Especially anyone like Agent Prentiss, who fought for Peter and Jade to both be prosecuted with the knowledge that they had been abused for years and be given more lenient sentencing and the mental health care that they need, even after they had abducted and tortured her.

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BC: Please state your name for the record.

RW: Rebecca Wilson, AUSA with the Department of Justice

BC: Ms. Wilson, you were first officially assigned as the DOJ oversight on the Gold Star Case, is that correct?

RW: Yes

BC: But you were involved with the BAU’s investigation into the Sicarius killer as well?

RW: That is correct. I provided some legal consultations to the BAU as well as acting as a sort of go between for the Attorney General and the BAU on that case. 

BC: So, would you say that you’ve spent a decent amount of time working with the BAU over the course of both investigations, as well as overseeing their interactions with Elias Voit as part of his deal with the DOJ?

RW: I would. 

BC: And were there ever any moments where you doubted the BAU’s professionalism or level of personal involvement? Or maybe, felt like they were cutting corners to find a reason to undermine the deal Elias Voit was given?

RW: No, there were never any moments where I felt like that. The BAU has always worked hard to make sure that they have actionable cause to prosecute any criminal and that they have the right person in custody. They were frustrated with the deal that Voit was given, but then so was I. In my opinion, the deal was made too quickly and because the powers that be did not want to acknowledge the impressive work that the BAU has done as a unit. 

BC: Would you say that Voit did not contribute his end of the deal of giving actionable information that led to the apprehension of Gold Star?

RW: *sighs* I do not know if I am able to answer that question. It is impossible to say if the same conclusions would have been reached on a similar timeline without his contributions; I don’t have the ability to see alternate realities. I would say that the most he gave the team was telling them what help he had provided Gold Star, which I would argue is not the same as giving them any information on Gold Star. 

BC: Thank you. And lastly, Ms. WIlson, do you believe that any of the members of the BAU could’ve been involved in staging the stabbing of Elias Voit in prison?

RW: Absolutely not. 

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BC: I am here with the Unit Chief and Section Chief of the BAU, will you please state your name for the record.

EP: Emily Prentiss.

BC: Now, Agent Prentiss, you defied direct orders when you initiated the investigation into the bodies in the shipping container, is that correct?

EP: Not exactly, I was told to recall Agent Lewis from Washington and I did. I brought both her and the container here to continue an investigation that we were called out to assist on by the local police who did not have the resources necessary to analyze the evidence found.

BC: And what you found was a killer that had been operating in the shadows for years?

EP: Yes.

BC: How did you connect that killer with the concept of a network of killers?

EP: Both in the shipping container and at multiple other crime scenes, we found these sort of kill kits that contained everything that the unsubs needed. We were also brought information about these kits and the network by Tyler Green, who we used as a consultant on both the Sicarius and Gold Star cases.

BC: Now, the AG closed the Sicarius investigation after Benjamin Reeves confessed and subsequently died, but you kept investigating, is that correct?

EP: We knew that Benjamin Reeves could not possibly be the same killer as the one in the shipping containers, nor did he have the skill set to create the network. 

BC: Would you say that you have a pattern of defying orders and going rogue in your time as Unit Chief? You had been suspended once before and reassigned, only to be placed back on the team after investigating a case you were told not to.

EP: I have always been dedicated to finding justice for victims and their families, and sometimes the brass is more concerned with appearances than with actual justice. Sometimes I have made decisions that have gone against orders, but only ever to save lives and I have always accepted whatever consequences might come from them. 

BC: Agent Rossi also defied orders when he kept investigating Elias Voit after being directly recalled by the AG and Deputy Director Bailey.

EP: I am the Unit Chief, buck stops with me. Any decisions made about continuing the Sicarius case fall onto my shoulders. 

BC: What made you begin investigating Gold Star?

EP: Voit sent a coded message to Deputy Director Bailey while on the phone with him, a call which Agent Lewis and I were also present for. It was that message that led me to look into Gold Star.

BC: You initially disagreed with Director Madison’s decision to make a deal with Voit to help the BAU apprehend Gold Star, is that correct?

EP: I did not feel at the time that my team needed any help from a serial killer in the case, and I expressed that.

BC: During the course of that investigation, did your opinion on the matter change?

EP: I still feel as though the BAU would have been able to do our job and catch Gold Star without Voit’s help, but he did provide some helpful insights.

BC: You were arrested for assaulting an old neighbor of yours over the course of the investigation, correct?

EP: I was meeting Brian Garrity because he said he had information on Gold Star. I was leaving when I heard a commotion and saw three men attacking him. While on the phone with 911, the police showed up and arrested me but the charges were falsified and dropped.

BC: Did you ever blame Voit for any of what happened to you over the past few months, including your abduction?

EP: No and yes. He created the network and gave Gold Star personal information about myself that they used to attack me, but I never blamed him personally. Do you blame the thorn in your side for the infection you get afterwards?

BC: Do you have any reason to believe that any member on your team staged the attack on Voit?

EP: No.

BC: Did you ever tell anyone the real identity of Elias Voit or compromise his safety in any way?

EP: No, and I never would. It is possible that what happened to Elias Voit was no more than some form of karmic justice, because no member of my team would take the law into their own hands, nor would I.

BC: Thank you. I’ll contact you if I need anything else from you.

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The team gathers in the round table room exhausted after their interviews; they all tried to get as much work done as possible, but it was hard to focus on much else. Penelope pours everyone a cup of tea to help them decompress as Luke walks in, arms loaded with snacks. “Does anyone else feel like they want to actually stab Voit after that? Because what was that bullshit?” Luke drops into the chair between Penelope and JJ, handing them bags of pretzels and cheetos respectively. 

“Better not joke like that or else the wrong person might hear.” Tara scolds, reaching across the table to a bag of chips. “I just wish they could’ve skipped all the questions that recapped the last few months and just asked us the one they needed to know.”

JJ laughs. “Cause that’s how our interviews with suspects go. We bring them in and just ask them if they killed the people before letting them leave.” Tara throws a pretzel at the blonde in response with a scowl, only causing the group as a whole to laugh. 

“Do you think we can somehow get Emily to come and join us? Maybe we could all go out for a drink together.” Penelope asks, looking out to the corner office where the unit chief sits hunched over her desk. “I wonder if her interview was any different than ours were. I thought it seemed shorter and I can’t tell if that’s good news or not. I just wish there was something we could do for her.”

“We’re already doing it.” Rossi leans back in his chair, his eyes betraying his exhaustion. “All we can do is our jobs. We all know what this is and that it will eventually pass.” But even as he says that, Dave shakes his head as if he doesn’t believe that to be true. 

“Is she going to be alright until it passes?” Penelope turns to her coworkers, hoping one of them has an answer to this impossible question. No one meets her eyes but Luke does sling his arm around her. “Right, well, we’ll be here for her if she needs anything.”

The rest of the team agrees, all taking one last look at the corner office before sharing notes on their interviews and the different consults they have been working on. Come Monday, most of them will be back in the field, and even if some of them are feeling a little stir crazy at their desks, none of them feel inclined to lose out on this time together. Maybe that is why Emily’s absence seems that much louder than it ever has in the past. 

Later that evening, Dave closes his office door behind him, set to head out for the night. There isn’t much at the moment calling for him to stay late this week and if he is honest with himself, he is tired. He scans the bullpen and is pleased to find that it is mostly empty, some background agents still puttering around but the profilers on his team have seemed to agree to call it a night on time. As he turns towards the stairs of the riser, he notices that Emily is still tucked away in her office, diligently working through the never ending stack of files. Dave readjusts his bag strap on his shoulder before heading for her office door, not even bothering to knock.

“Jesus, Dave!” Emily jumps in her seat when her door opens unexpectedly. “Are you trying to help me retire by sending me out in a body bag?”

Dave chuckles at her dramatics and shuts the door behind him, claiming one of the chairs in front of her desk for his bag while sitting in the other. “So bella, how are you doing?”

“I’ll let you know after this cardiac episode you just sent me into is over.” Emily drops her pen onto the open file and folds her hands on the desk. “Is there something you need before you head home for the night?”

“Oh, I’m sure there is plenty I need. But no, I just want to check in with you. The team is concerned about you.” Dave leans back and crosses a leg, folding his own hands in his lap.

Emily restrains from rolling her eyes. She is too tired to deal with people checking in on her repeatedly. “You can tell Penelope that I’m fine. What’s another investigation into me? It’ll be like every other time, they’ll find nothing because there is nothing to find and I’ll be free to go.”

“It’s not just Penelope.” Rossi leans forward, his eyes softening as he takes in Emily’s appearance. “Have you been sleeping?”

“Come on, Dave. What is this? I thought we had a rule about profiling each other.”

Rossi chuckles but doesn’t relent. “Why are you still here? Usually when something like this happens, you don’t spend too much extra time at the office. You should go home, relax. The work will still be here tomorrow.”

Emily sighs and presses her fingers into her forehead, elbows planted on the desktop. “What is there for me to go home to? I might as well stay here and busy myself rather than go home to silence.” She shakes her head, suddenly feeling way too overwhelmed. Going home just reminds her that she keeps pushing everyone away. She knows that she is making the right decision for everyone else, but in the suffocating loneliness of her house, she wishes she could just be selfish and make the right decision for herself. 

“So come to my house. I have plenty of room. We can eat pasta, drink bourbon, and listen to old vinyls. I have Tony Bennet, the Beatles…” Dave pauses, a mischievous glint in his eyes. “I even got a Siouxsie and the Banshees vinyl just for you after Garcia showed me the look you rocked in high school.”

Emily looks at the older man, less than impressed by his teasing. “I appreciate the offer Dave, but I’ll keep with my paperwork.” She picks up her pen again, internally beating herself up for once again not being able to accept comfort from somebody else. “You should head home, listen to some music. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Dave sighs, recognizing that he isn’t going to get anywhere tonight. But he’ll keep trying; they all will. They won’t let her slip away in this tidal wave, not again. “Promise me you won’t be here too much longer.”

“You know I can’t and won’t promise that. I’ll at least promise you that I will go home and sleep in my own bed tonight.” Emily cocks her brow towards the senior agent who accepts her terms and leaves. She sighs when her door closes. She’s so relieved to be alone in the office, away from all of the prying eyes; she felt them all watching her all day and was so close to shutting her blinds, but she knew that would actually make them come in to talk to her. But now, she’s alone and if her shoulders slump too much or shake, no one can analyze what feelings she is holding back. They can’t tell that she’s never felt so defeated, which is quite a feat for her; that she’s been running away from dark thoughts and the only escape is by burying herself further in her work. She feels like she did in Paris, except then she felt a reason to keep fighting; but what does she have to fight for now? Should she be giving her all to fight to quit her job, to be even more alone than she currently is? She’s pushed everyone away; hell, she even gave away her cat. And now, with Tara…well, what can Emily say? She’s nothing if not an expert self saboteur. 

A knock on her door startles Emily from her self pity party, the door opening before she has the chance to fully respond. The unit chief’s eyes widen slightly as she takes in the second intruder of the night. “I didn’t think you’d still be here. You know, normally people wait for an invitation to enter after knocking.”

“I’m sorry, I thought I heard you answer. Is now not a good time?”

Emily blushes when she realizes that she must’ve verbalized her surprise in some way, the yelp most likely distorted by the door to mimic an invitation to enter. “No, no. It’s fine. I’m not exactly concentrating at the moment anyway. What’s up?”

“I have preliminary results of the interviews today.” Rebecca closes the door behind her and collapses onto the couch. “Sorry, but I’ve had enough of those hard regulation chairs for today.”

“I understand.” Emily commiserates, standing for the first time in hours and stretching as she moves to join the lawyer. “It feels good to stand again, I should really get in the habit of moving every so often on days like this.” She settles into the other side of the couch, melting into the soft cushion, exhaustion hitting her hard. “Do I want to know how bad it is?”

“It’s not terrible.” Rebecca sighs, chuckling at Emily’s skeptical look. “Okay, well, it isn’t great either, but no one ever thought it would be. Like we knew at the beginning, most of the team was never even suspected and have been cleared after today. But, it seems there are two people that they are going to look into more closely and are not currently allowed to travel for cases.”

“Let me guess, I’m one of them.” Emily drops her head onto the back of the couch, eyes closed. She takes a deep breath before opening her eyes again. “Who is the other?”

“You are one of them.” Rebecca tries to offer the other woman a reassuring smile but doesn’t feel as though she’s necessarily succeeded. “And Rossi. He apparently told Agent Carr that he has had thoughts of killing Voit,”

“Goddammit, Dave.” Emily curses, her head already starting to hurt. “Do you think they are going to potentially try to spin this as a co-conspirator thing or what?”

“No, I think they are going to eventually mark Rossi off as well, but they wouldn’t be doing their due diligence if they don’t look into him further.” Rebecca shakes her head before adjusting to mirror Emily’s body language. “I wish I could tell you that this is all going to just blow over quickly, but I think they are too worried about being crucified online if anything about this gets out. I mean, you saw how they reacted to your Politico article.”

“Don’t remind me.” Emily groans, her head falling forward slightly. “One of these days I’m going to be free of this place, one way or another.”

Rebecca frowns at the unit chief’s choice of words. She kicks out right leg to gently nudge Emily’s calf with her foot. “Hey, are you okay? Like actually? And don’t even think about giving me some kind of bullshit answer. I’ve seen too much this past week to not know when you’re lying to me.”

“Respectfully, what does it matter to you if I am or not? You don’t need to check on me, it’s not your job.”

“Oh, trying to distance me by pushing me away. A tried and true Prentiss classic.” Rebecca jokes, poking the other woman with the tip of her shoe again. “We are too fucking intertwined at this point for you to try that shit. Come on, you need to talk about it or else I think you might actually explode. And as much as spontaneous human combustion interests me, I’d rather not see it up close and personal.” When Emily still doesn’t respond, Rebecca tries another tactic. “Okay, let’s go. You need a drink, and probably something to eat.”

“I’m fine.” Emily tries to protest but Rebecca stands, offering a hand out to her. “Don’t you need to get home to Tara?”

“She’s having dinner with her dad tonight and I told her that I’d probably be at the office late anyway.” 

“But won’t it be weird if just the two of us get dinner.”

“Let it be weird.” Rebecca shrugs before gently pulling the unit chief off the couch. “I’m not leaving you in this office alone. And don’t ask me why, because I don’t know. You’re driving. You and I need to talk anyway.”

Emily pouts but gathers her things anyway. She stops just in front of the door, frowning as she faces the lawyer again. “You drove here with Tara this morning didn’t you. She got in earlier than normal.” Rebecca pretends to act confused, already reaching for the doorknob. Emily sighs and rolls her eyes, flipping off the light switch. “I don’t appreciate being surprise attacked.”

“You’re too good to get any other way. Now stop pouting, I’m hungry.” Rebecca leads them out of the bullpen and to the elevators. Emily leans against the wall of the elevator as they ride down to the lobby. She’s beginning to wonder if she has ever actually felt rested before. It just feels like her soul is tired, something no amount of sleep or caffeine can ever help. She yawns as they hit the lobby, it is probably a good thing Rebecca dragged her away from her office now, because she probably would’ve fallen asleep at her desk, thus making her break her promise to Rossi. After a little conversation, she and Rebecca agree on a restaurant not too far from Tara and Rebecca’s apartment, which has the best queso according to the lawyer.

“You need to stop yawning so much. You’re going to make yourself more tired.” Rebecca glances over at the sleepy unit chief as they wait for someone to seat them.

Emily turns to the shorter woman, perplexed. “Is that something people think? I have never heard that before.”

“It’s something my grandma used to say. Something about needing to mentally force yourself to stay awake and alert. I don’t know, you know old people.” Rebecca flushes, embarrassed that she has to defend herself.

“If you say so. I always thought you yawned because your brain is trying to get more oxygen to help it to stay alert.” Emily shrugs, not really wanting to have a full conversation about this. Luckily, they are cut off by the hostess appearing and taking them to their seats. They sit in relative silence while they look over the menu, throwing out the occasional comment if something looks good. After both ordering a margarita and queso to share in addition to their meals, they are forced to look at each other.

“Okay, so maybe I underestimated exactly how awkward this might be.” Rebecca admits after sitting in the uncomfortable silence for a minute. 

Emily chuckles and shakes her head. She hopes their food comes soon and not just because her stomach started growling the second she could smell food. “Let the record show that I did try to tell you and you said, and I quote, let it be awkward. This is a bed of your own making Ms. Wilson.”

“I know, I know. I don’t need you to needle the point home.” Rebecca complains, looking past her companion to see if their waitress is close at all with their drinks or queso.

“I don’t think that is the phrase.”

“Why do you insist on being right about everything? Just let it be.” 

Emily frowns. “I’m not insisting on being right. I just was confused by what you meant. I know the phrase to hammer the point home. But also, don’t you want to be correct? Like why would you want to be incorrect over being corrected? I didn’t think you were that proud.”

Rebecca huffs and rolls her eyes; this was a spectacularly bad idea. “You know what, nevermind. Yawning and idioms are not on my list of things to talk to you about.”

“I have a feeling that I would prefer to keep the conversation on idioms and yawning and whatever other inconsequential topic I can think of.” Emily looks up grateful for the waitress approaching with their drinks and queso and chips. She takes a sip of her margarita immediately, relishing on the sweet and sour coldness before washing it down with the creamy saltiness of their appetizer. 

Rebecca snorts in response and also takes a break from the conversation to eat some of the newly arrived food. The silence persists for a couple of minutes, if you can call the canned mariachi music drowning out the chorus of crunchy chips and straw slurps silence. With another sip of her drink, the lawyer leans back into the vinyl of the booth back. “So, are you capable of actually being vulnerable with others or is that just a skill you’ve never learned?”

Emily immediately chokes on her sip of margarita and has a coughing fit to try and normalize her breathing again. “What?” She manages to get out between coughs. 

Rebecca passes a napkin over to the struggling unit chief. “I mean, I’ve seen Fortress Prentiss or whatever the team calls it and don’t get me wrong, it is very impressive. I don’t think I’ve seen anyone lock down their emotions quite like you do. But I’m wondering if it is only that fortified because there isn’t actually a way in at all. It’s harder to break in if there is no door right? So like, can you let people in?”

“I–Fortress Prentiss?”

“Don’t change the subject.”

Emily fiddles with the straw in her glass. “Technically, I’m not changing the subject, I’m just changing the focus on the subject. But we’re still talking about the same thing.” She frowns when she sees the pointed look Rebecca is staring at her with. “Fine, yes, hypothetically I do know how to let people in and have the ability to do so; however, I’ve never really seen much of a point to do so. Everyone in my life has their own life and doesn't need to take on my shit as well. Why are you even asking me this?”

Rebecca tosses the rolled up wrapper of her straw towards the other end of the table. “So far, your inability to open up about your feelings has made Tara need to focus on you so much that she has not had the capacity to focus on herself or me as much as needed.” 

Emily groans and drops her head into her hands. “I don’t want her to do that. I have tried everything to get her to stop but she’s really stubborn. Though, I think she finally got the message because she didn’t say anything to me at all today.” Emily doesn’t mention how much that hurt her, even if it iss what she was trying to have happen.

“I know. I wasn’t saying that for you to feel bad or to shit on Tara. Hell, I was focusing on you too much as well because when you bottle things up while everything is exploding around you, it causes us to worry more than if you had literally any kind of reaction. Like, have you seriously not noticed how absolutely worried everyone is about you right now? The team had to talk Penelope down from staging an intervention with a licensed therapist to get you to confront the situation at hand.” Rebecca arches her brow. She isn’t a huge fan of being the one to hand out these hard truths, but dammit, somebody has to.

Emily feels the pressure building up inside of her again, the one that she’s been running from since she was a teenager. It feels wild and uncontrollable and possibly all-consuming, three things she does not need at the moment. “I can’t help it if the way I handle issues is not the same way everyone else does. You’re acting like no one has ever seen me cry or get angry, which is categorically false, by the way. I say I’m fine because I am fine. It’s not my fault that no one chooses to believe me.” 

“Bullshit.” Rebecca scoffs, reaching for another chip. She breaks the chip in half, eating it in parts while watching Emily try not to squirm. “You’re about as fine as rock salt. I’m sure people have seen you break down, but how many times have you wanted to fall apart and haven’t? Because I bet that number triples the amount of times you have, at least. Would it really kill you to learn to accept a little help sometimes? You were taking a step in the right direction on Monday.”

“Yeah, and how well did that turn out? Because I remember yesterday being an absolute mess because of me accepting a little help.” Emily is cut off by their meals arriving at the table, the smell of steak, peppers, and onions taking over her brain.

Rebecca smiles at the waitress while accepting her plate before immediately turning back and frowning at Emily. “Yeah, yesterday morning was a little rough, but it led to Tara and I having arguably one of the most productive conversations of our relationship. Because life isn’t perfect and sometimes when you depend on others, things get messy, but ultimately you can end up in a better place than you do when you try to handle everything alone. We’re not meant to be islands.”

“And the bell tolls for thee. Now that we’ve quoted our Donne, are we done? I’m glad you and Tara had a great conversation and have patched things up. But again, I’m fine and people not accepting that and obsessing over my theoretically poor mental state isn’t really my fault or my problem.” Emily snaps. At this point she’s willing to walk away from this delicious smelling dinner if it could ensure her some peace. She would add on also wanting quiet, but currently the quiet is just as agonizing as the interrogations she keeps getting dragged into. 

Rebecca pinches the bridge of her nose and takes a breath. “Can you drop the sarcasm for a goddamn minute? I get that your quick wit has shielded you from more hurt than I could ever imagine, hell it might have even saved your life a couple weeks ago. But I am not an unsub and I am not a threat to you. God, I am trying to be a friend to you, and at this point, I’m not even sure why. Because I know that you value and respect your team’s intelligence too much to sincerely accuse them of completely unfounded worry about you. And I also know that you are absolutely miserable about everything that has been going on with Tara. Because while most everyone else thinks your crumbling psyche is due to the bs Madison is pulling, I know the truth. You lie well about not being too worried about what’s happening at work because it really isn’t a lie, is it? You know that this will eventually blow over and you can retire and that will all be fine. But I know, even better than Tara does, how much you are hurting because of the decisions you’ve been making on a personal level; because I’ve been where you are, I’ve pushed Tara away before to protect myself. Were the situations slightly different, yeah, they were, but the feelings that came from those actions, those are the same.” The lawyer takes a breath and takes in how Emily is looking at her, eyes wide and glossy. She wonders if this is the first time the unit chief has ever felt this seen. “My point is I understand, so there is no reason to try and pretend with me. So if you could like just answer me honestly, that would be great and it would also make this experience feel less like pulling teeth for the both of us.”

Emily nods her head slowly, trying to force the lump in her throat down. God how she hates to be on display like this. “Fine, what do you want to know?”

“Are you willing to be honest with Tara?”

“I already told you that there isn’t a reason to be. She has a life with you, she doesn’t need to deal with my issues. And didn’t you also say that she was focusing on me too much?” Emily argues despite just agreeing to cooperate.

“Imagine everything else goes away, and it is just you and Tara together. Are you willing and able to be open and honest with her? Can you let yourself be vulnerable enough to let her in? Yes or no?” Rebecca pushes, stealing a bite of her dinner right after.

“Yes, that is something I could do.” Emily sighs; she doesn’t understand where this could possibly be going. If she didn’t know Rebecca better, she’d think this is some form of torture.

Rebecca nods and rolls her shoulders back, seemingly preparing to say something difficult. “And what are your feelings on Tara and I dating? Honestly.”

Emily groans and takes a bite of food to delay her having to give an answer. “Honestly?” Rebecca nods for her to continue. “I’m happy for the two of you, I am. Does it suck that the two of you being together means that Tara and I aren’t together, yeah? But you two are good for each other, what you have…that’s the real thing. And I care about both of you too much to ever begrudge you for finding that, even if I never have and maybe never will. And I hope you know that I really would never try to do anything to purposefully get in the way of your relationship.”

“I do, which is why you have to ask Tara out.” Rebecca says it so calmly Emily is sure that she misheard her.

“What?”

Rebecca bounces her leg while she tries to think of the best words to use. “Remember yesterday how I told you that Tara wants to date both of us and that I didn’t know how I felt about that. Well, I’ve done some soul searching and some research and Tara and I have talked more and basically, I’m willing to explore the idea of you and Tara dating as well. But first I had to make sure that you are actually capable of healthy communication because I am not going to deal with the potential of that mess. And I also needed to just double check that you aren’t going to try and end things between Tara and I either.”

“How is this going to work?”

“We’re not getting into logistics yet.” Rebecca sighs. “You’ve really hurt Tara in your attempts to push her away. So, you need to make that right, and practice being vulnerable with her when asking her out. Then, you two can go on an actual date and see if things work, I don’t really want to think about what that will entail, so we’re moving forward. After that, the three of us can talk more about logistics. One thing I do know, while you are still at the FBI, the brass can’t find out. I don’t want this biting any of us in the ass, and if it gets out, it will.”

“No one needs to know until I’m gone.” Emily readily agrees, her stomach doing somersaults at the thought of this working out in everyone’s favor.

“Then we’re agreed. You should ask her to dinner sometime this weekend, before she has to start travelling for cases again.” Rebecca can’t help but advise, turning her full attention to her dinner now. She still feels a little nervous about this whole plan, but she’s determined to try. Maybe she’ll finally get lucky and everything will work out. She just has to have a little hope and a lot of trust in both Tara and Emily, no problem…right?

Chapter Text

Emily picks at her cuticles as the day continues. She still hasn’t grabbed Tara yet to talk to her and the minutes keep ticking closer and closer to 6:30, when she promised JJ she’d leave the office by to head over for dinner. Tara is still working away at her desk, though it looks like she might be close to leaving herself. The unit chief just needs to suck it up and stop being a little baby, which is one of her least favorite things to do but one she finds consistently on her to-do list. Finally, she exhales roughly and pushes away from her desk, popping into her doorframe to be able to call down to the bullpen. “Tara, could I have a word with you?” She doesn’t wait for a response, returning quickly to her desk and closing her blinds on the way. The office is mostly empty but she still wants to be cautious. “Close the door please.” She instructs once the forensic psychologist enters.

Tara pauses, the slight arch in her brow and purse in her lip giving away her skepticism, but she clicks the heavy wooden door shut behind her anyway. “What’s up?”

Emily wrings her hands and tucks her lips in. She’s been planning what to say since last night but now that Tara’s in front of her, she wants to back down. What if Tara has fully given up on her? It’s not like Emily can blame her if that’s the case. 

“What have I done now? I’ve tried to give you your space and I haven’t brought up anything personal in two days.” Tara slumps into a chair across from the desk. 

Tears spring into the unit chief’s eyes; she should just let Tara go like she’s been planning to do. “Nevermind, it doesn’t matter. You should go home, get some sleep. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Tara rolls her eyes; for a moment, she thought that maybe Emily was going to be honest with her, but she should’ve known better. Hoping for that vault to open is as useless as hoping that aliens will come to Earth in her lifetime. She pushes herself up and takes one last look at her boss, shaking her head as she walks to the door. 

Emily’s stomach drops in her chest. She thinks about what she and Rebecca talked about last night. She’s faced down serial killers and psychopaths galore, surely she can be brave enough to admit when she’s been wrong. “Wait!”

Tara’s hand pauses on the handle, tilting her head ever so slightly towards Emily. She bites her lip, not letting herself get her hopes up. 

“Don’t leave, please.”

“I’m tired, Em. And this constant push and pull…”

“I know.” Emily bites her lip and breathes out roughly. She gets up quickly and crosses the room, grabbing Tara’s hand from the door. “I want to try to not push anymore. But it’s hard, because what if you hurt me? Which is such a stupid thing to feel. I trust you with my life everyday in the field, but what if…what if I show you more of myself and you see what everyone always sees and leave?” Emily looks down, her face erupting with a red heat. “When you told me that you love me, I felt like I was floating on air, like it was a dream. But when reality came crashing in, I thought I was making the right decisions. That I was protecting you, no matter what the cost was to myself.” Tara cups Emily’s cheek and lifts it up until their eyes meet. “But I don’t want to push you away anymore. I know you’re with Rebecca, and I never want to ruin that for you; but I’m kind of hoping you might want to be with me as well.”

Tara looks down into the deep brown eyes she fell in love with all those years ago and she almost can’t believe that this is real. She and Rebecca had agreed that she could start seeing Emily if Emily came to her, but Tara never really expected that to happen. There are so many words that need to be spoken, so many boundaries that need to be set and apologies that need to be given, but none of that matters quite now. Tara lets all of her worries and thoughts slip past as she leans down, capturing Emily’s chewed on lips with her own. The unit chief immediately melts into the kiss, her hands gripping Tara tightly, scared that the psychologist might slip away. Tara wraps her other hand around Emily’s back, pulling them flush together as Tara’s back hits the door, the handle digging into her. She winces, breaking the kiss. 

“Are you okay?” Emily pulls the other woman away from the protruding metal, immediately reaching out to rub the sore spot. Tara ignores the question, kissing the older woman again. Emily chuckles into the kiss, her laugh turning into a low moan. Tara’s tongue slips into her mouth, tangling with hers. Emily’s thoughts can’t keep up with everything she is feeling and she pulls back from the kiss slowly, ending it with a series of pecks. She places her hand on Tara’s chest, just above the younger woman’s heart. “Can I take you out this weekend? We could go to dinner tomorrow night, I know a nice restaurant.”

Tara smiles softly and tucks a strand of hair behind Emily’s ear. “That sounds wonderful. I’ve wondered what ‘first date Emily’ is like.”

“Ha.” Emily scoffs, but her eyes shine as she looks up. “I don’t know if this will be the most stereotypical first date. I’m not exactly trying to make a good first impression.”

“No,” Tara agrees, tracing light patterns on the unit chief’s upper arm. “You already did that a while ago. And it was a pretty spectacular first impression if I’m being honest. Truth be told, you could take me to a gas station for hotdogs and I’d just be happy to be with you. Because I love you, Emily, your best and your worst.”

Emily blinks away her tears, being cared for like this makes her skin crawl. She needs a shield of some kind, something to stop the itch of affection. ‘Well, there goes my surprise date plan. I’ll have to find something else, maybe somewhere with a play place.”

“We’ll work on you using humor as a defense mechanism later.” Tara chides, stealing another gentle kiss. 

Emily glances down at her watch and curses. “We’ll have to, I need to get going. I’m supposed to have dinner at JJ’s tonight. Will is cooking and I don’t need to be chastised again because ‘tastes better fresh cher.’” 

Tara chuckles at her impression of Will, dropping her hands to grab Emily’s and squeezing them. “Dinner, tomorrow. I’ll pick you up at 7.”

There is still a lot that needs to be said, details that need to be worked out, but for the first time in years, Emily feels a sense of peace settle over her. She smiles when Tara kisses her forehead before leaving the office, letting the unit chief gather her things before hurrying for the door. The drive to JJ’s is relatively short, and she makes it just before 7. She’s still nervous about this dinner, but she is continuing to choose to be brave. Emily gets out of her car and rings the doorbell, unable to hold back the smile when she hears Michael shriek and run to the door.

“Emily!” Michael throws the door open before launching himself at her, almost knocking them both down completely as JJ yells for him to wait for her. 

“Michael, we’ve talked about you just opening the door.” JJ hangs her head before catching Emily’s eye with an exasperated sigh. 

“But it’s just Emily, mom.” Michael groans, leading the brunette further into the house. “It’s not like she’s a stranger, even if we haven’t seen her in forever.” He leans back into Emily on his last word, making her hold him up while she rolls her eyes at his dramatics.

“The point is that you didn’t know that it was Emily until you opened the door bud.”

“Yes I did. You said she was coming for dinner and it’s almost dinner time. Who else would it have been?” Michael sasses back, ignoring Henry trying to tell him to stop from behind their mom. “Emily, you’re mom’s boss, can’t you tell her to stop?”

“I’m not the boss here, kid. What she says goes, and don’t even think about pulling me into your trouble. I haven’t been grounded in almost 40 years and I would like to keep it that way.” Emily leans down and kisses his forehead, sending him away.

Michael rolls his eyes and dodges his mom’s attempt to grab him in a hug. “You’re so old. Fine, I won’t open the door for Emily anymore, she can just stand out in the cold. I won’t try to be a gentleman anymore.”

JJ takes Emily’s coat from her, shaking her head at the nine year old’s antics. “I blame you for teaching him how to be so sassy.”

“Me? Your husband is just as full of sass as I am and is his literal father.” Emily protests with a laugh, welcoming Henry into a hug. “Can you believe what she’s saying to me?”

Henry chuckles and nods his head. “She’s also forgetting how much sass she has herself, but don’t tell her I said that.” They both laugh and back out of the way as JJ swats at them.

“Will, I’m being bullied by the children, including the 53 year old. Can you help?” JJ calls towards the kitchen, sticking her tongue out at Emily when the brunette narrows her eyes at the blonde. 

Will pops out of the kitchen, smiling wide and giving Emily a big hug, filling the air with the smell of all the spices he’s been cooking with. “Cher, why’d you want me to bully you too? I mean, if you insist, I reckon I can join in, just seems mighty odd.”

“One day, someone in this house will love me.” JJ pushes against Will’s chest as he turns to hug her, but allows him to kiss her anyway.

“Aw, cher, you know we all love you more than life itself.” He turns back to Emily and the boys, Michael having reappeared in the mix. “Now kids, treat your mother right while I finish dinner. That means all of you.” He raises his brows teasingly in Emily’s direction, slipping back into the kitchen with a chuckle. 

Emily shakes her head towards the married couple before leading the boys to sit with her on the couch. “Okay, get me updated. Who thinks who is cute, what subjects in school suck, and which parent is getting on your nerves at the moment?”

“Don’t even think about answering that last one.” JJ threatens, her wide smile not dissuading either of her sons. The blonde leaves the trio on the couch while she sets the table for them all, warmth blossoming deep within as laughter echoes from the living room. Emily has always been such an important addition to her family and it hurts so much to know that she hasn’t let the brunette know that recently. What would she have done without Emily all of these years? She’d probably be dead, that’s for sure. And now their relationship is so…splintered because of her harsh words in moments of stupid jealousy.

As if reading her mind and seeing the impending spiral, Will wraps his arms around her and kisses her temple. “You’re gonna bury that hatchet tonight, cher. Don’ worry too much now.” He whispers in her ear, before pulling back to yell into the living room. “Boys, wash your hands for dinner. Emily, would you like wine?” They listen to the clatter of Michael racing towards the bathroom and Henry yelling at him to slow down. 

“Wine would be great, Will. Thanks.” Emily answers as she enters the kitchen, smiling at the two of them, though it doesn’t fully reach her eyes.

Will winces at the sound of his boys arguing. “Sure thing. And sorry ‘bout ‘em boys. I swear we raised ‘em better.”

“They’re angels.” Emily looks behind her to see Henry swat Michael with the hand towel from the bathroom. “Okay, they’re rascals, but still angels. Angelic rascals. You’re lucky to have them.”

“I think that’s an oxymoron. But we sure are.” JJ smiles at her boss, noting the bit of sadness in the older woman’s eyes that always seems to pop up when they talk about children.

“Who are you calling a moron?” Michael asks, racing in to the table to claim his seat. “Emily, will you sit next to me?”

“Oxymoron.” Emily corrects gently, running a hand over his blonde fuzz as she takes the seat next to him. “It means a phrase that contains two contradicting words, like a humblebrag.” 

“Ugh, this sounds like English class. That’s boring.”

“You think all of school is boring.” Henry shoots back, joining them at the table. 

Michael sticks out his tongue at his older brother. “That’s because all of school is boring. When I get older I want to do something cool like race in NASCAR or fight crime. I don’t need school for that.”

“Actually, you do need to do at least a little bit of higher education to be a cop, and if you want to be a federal agent like your mom and I, well that takes a lot of schooling.” Emily pokes Michael in the side. “How would your godfather feel if he knew you were ragging on learning right now?”

“He’d probably give me a lecture.” Michael pouts. “But that’d be better than now, cause we have seen him even less than we’ve seen you.”

“Well, he is really busy right now. But I did talk to him the other day and he’s doing well and I know he misses all of us, but especially you boys.” Emily squeezes the nine year old into her side as Will brings the food to the table and JJ sets a glass of wine in front of her.

“You’ve talked to Spence recently?” JJ asks, surprised. “You haven’t mentioned anything.”

Emily averts her eyes and takes a sip of wine. “He called me over the weekend. It was a really short call, he just wanted to make sure that I was okay following everything that happened last case. And sorry I didn’t say anything, it’s been so crazy recently.” Yeah, that’s why she didn’t bring it up. Sure, they can go with that. “Will, this smells amazing.”

“It’s my Mawmaw’s gumbo. You’re gonna love it.” Will begins serving the food as Henry starts talking about wanting to learn how to cook like his dad. Dinner is absolutely delicious and the boys mostly dominate the conversation. Emily loves being with them, and she’d be lying if she said she hadn’t missed them the past few years. She can’t believe that Henry is already 15  or that Michael has gotten so tall. She feels like she’s missed so much, the real consequences of her constant running right before her eyes. The meal passes far too quickly, and before she knows it, leftovers are being packed up (Will makes a little container for her to take home), and dishes are being washed. 

JJ refills Emily’s wine glass and guides her out of the kitchen. “Can we talk for a minute?” The blonde wishes that it was warmer out so they could sit in the backyard, farther from little ears, but the best she is getting is Henry playing his music while he and Michael clean up after dinner.

“Um, sure. Is everything alright?” Emily bites her cheek. The night has been so easy and fun and the last thing she wants is another fight. Can’t they just ignore all the shit that’s happened and move on? Even though that means that they will never be as close as they once were, but they haven’t been like that in so long, sometimes Emily wonders if they ever were.

JJ curls up on one side of the couch, resting her wine glass on her bent knee. “No, no, everything is not alright. I miss you. I miss us. And I know it is my fault. I know I have said some really hurtful things to you, things that I don’t even believe. And I want to make it better, but I’m not sure I know how.” JJ blinks away some building tears, she promised herself that she wouldn’t cry. “I’m so sorry. You mean so much to all of us, so much to me. You’ve been by my side supporting me through all of the hardest moments of my life since we met, and I haven’t been doing the same. You deserve so much better than how I’ve been treating you lately. And just when things started getting better between us, well, I went and blew that all up again.”

Emily chews on her lower lip. She doesn’t really know what to say; she’s not used to people apologizing for how they’ve treated her. Normally, she just lets whoever hurt her just pretend it never happened. Maybe she’s just always assumed that she doesn’t deserve to have her hurt recognized and cared about. “JJ, it’s fine. We’ve all been going through a lot.”

“No.” JJ shakes her head, her ponytail swinging behind her. “It’s not fine. And it wasn’t just because there was a lot going on…” JJ drops her face into her hands before pushing her hands back and over her head. “God, I knew this was going to be hard, but I didn’t think it would be this hard.”

“Hey,” Emily reaches out and grabs JJ’s forearm, her thumb automatically stroking the soft skin back and forth. “What is it?”

JJ’s eyes dart down to the hand on her as she tries not to focus on the warmth that is spreading through her because of the connection. They’ve always been so close, from holding hands to get through tough moments to the hugs and kisses they share anytime they haven’t seen each other in a while. But they haven’t been like that in a while, so now a forearm touch is what she gets. “The reason I freaked out so much about you having feelings for Tara and wanting to leave the FBI to be with her is because I’m jealous.” The blonde breaks out in a watery laugh. “How stupid is that? I’ve been in love with you for so long but it never really snapped inside of me until you admitted having feelings for another woman who isn’t me.”

Emily pulls back quickly, her eyes immediately darting to the kitchen where the LaMontangue boys are. “JJ!” She hisses. “You can’t say that. Will…”

“Is the one who helped me figure it out. He, and Penelope, clocked it long before I did.” JJ wipes her eyes, her chest feeling heavy in the way it always does in moments like this. “I know it is not right of me. Or, not that my feelings are wrong, but that taking out my jealousy on you and Tara and everyone else, that was wrong. Because you do deserve your happy ever after, Em. And whether that is with Tara or someone else, in the FBI or retired, I’ll be there to support you, I will. And I know that it will take you time to trust me again, I understand why, but I am really hoping that you can forgive me. Because I do not want to lose you, not now, not ever. And when you are able to retire, I’ll throw you the biggest party.” JJ smiles at her friend, her eyes still blurry with unshed tears. “You’ve always been my biggest supporter, and I should’ve been yours. I can’t undo what has already been done, and I’ll never forgive myself if I am the reason that you have lost your chance of happiness with Tara or anyone else you want. But from this moment forward, I will only ever support you, always. Because you do mean so much to me and I love you more than I know I should.”

Emily’s brow is deeply furrowed as she tries to process everything that she is learning. How could it be possible that JJ loves her? Without permission, her mind starts wondering what would’ve happened had she realized her sexuality earlier in life. Would she and JJ be together? Would they have had kids together? What would have happened when Doyle tore through her life? “I think everything happened the way it was supposed to happen.” Emily pulls JJ into a tight hug, holding the blonde’s head close to her. “Obviously I forgive you JJ, you’re one of my best friends. And I look forward to that party you’re going to throw me.”

JJ pulls away, a tight smile plastered on her face. “So, have I completely ruined things with you and Tara?”

Emily shrugs. She hates that she has to lie to her friends, but she promised Rebecca that this wouldn’t get out until after she has been able to retire. “She’s with Rebecca, and they are good together. I don’t ever want to mess that up.” There, that’s at least not a lie.

“God, I’m so sorry, Em.” JJ squeezes the older woman’s hand and looks up when she sees Will peeking into the living room to see if all is good. “I think the boys want to spend a little more time with you. Are you open to a game?”

“With my favorite guys?” Emily calls out loud enough to earn a chuckle from the boys in the kitchen. “Yeah, I think like that sounds like the perfect way to end the night.”

Chapter Text

Emily answers her phone distractedly as she tries to put her gold hoops on. “Prentiss.”

Penelope squeals loudly through the speaker. “Oh my god! You look so hot! I was calling to see if you want to come over and cuddle with the cats while watching a romcom but clearly you’re living a romcom of your own tonight. Do you have a date?”

Emily jumps at her friend’s scream. She looks down at the phone that is unfortunately broadcasting a video call instead of the phone call she had been expecting it to be. “Um…” She stalls, not knowing what to say. Should she say yes and let the rumor mill run with the assumption that she’s dating someone else which could lead to them figuring out it was Tara all along or lie and say no, but then she has to lie to her best friend? 

“Oh my god, you are!” Penelope claps. “Whoever they are, they sure are lucky if you are going out looking like that. Don’t you know you shouldn’t look that hot when we are in the middle of a climate crisis?”

Emily laughs but studies herself in the mirror anyway. Her hair is up in a simple updo, something she doesn’t do often except for special occasions. She is wearing a maroon faux wrap dress that goes to just above her knees, pantyhose, and black heels. Her jewelry is simple, a gold chain with a dark red pendant that rests just above her breasts, a thin gold watch and an even thinner gold bracelet on her wrists, and her gold hoop earrings. She feels good about how she looks, but doesn’t know if it really constitutes hot or even sexy. “You’re sure this looks okay? It isn’t too formal, right?”

“Well, you haven’t actually told me what you’re doing, where you’re going, or who you’re going to be with, so my answer is lacking some possible deciding factors.” Penelope teases as she takes a screenshot of the call and Emily’s outfit. “If you’re going bowling, it is too formal; but for dinner at a nice restaurant, you look perfect.”

“Thanks Pen.” Emily smiles, fixing up her makeup slightly. She’s really just reapplying what she already wore to work, just with a new lipstick. “Sorry, I’m just a little nervous of making a fool of myself. It’s been a while since I’ve done this. What if she doesn’t like me?”

Penelope’s smile falters slightly; she was hoping that Emily’s date is with their very own marvelous doctor. “I’m sure she is going to love you, who couldn’t? Like seriously, who couldn’t? I’ve yet to meet someone who has not absolutely adored you. Which they obviously should because you are Emily Prentiss, federal agent  and best friend extraordinaire.”

“Pen…” Emily rolls her eyes and picks up her phone. “I appreciate the vote of confidence but I could tell you plenty of stories of people who did not like me.” She informs her friend as she goes to the kitchen to demould the large ice cubes in case Tara wants to come in for an after dinner drink. “It’s weird dating in your 50s. Part of me feels like I should already be done with this all. Have you ever felt like that?”

Penelope smiles softly at her phone, her mind thinking about her own tumultuous love life over the past few years. “You know me, I’m happy with what I have. If it was written in the stars for me to be with someone, I’d be with them.”

Emily shakes her head and squints at her friend. “You know I don’t believe in that bullshit.” She sighs. “Besides, you could be with who you want to be with if you didn’t sabotage your date with him and we all know it.”

“Pot, kettle, kettle, pot.” Penelope shoots back. “Don’t be so quick to judge. I seem to remember someone isolating themselves to the point of losing their crush instead of just admitting her feelings. At least I had a date to sabotage.”

Emily bites her lip and holds the phone up, her large brown eyes looking especially doe like in the camera. “What would you have done differently? To not sabotage yourself, I mean.”

Penelope gasps as the pieces click into place. “Just be yourself, love. She already loves you. Don’t be too worried about it all being perfect. And like I said earlier, you look hot as hell, so she doesn’t even stand a chance.” The blonde fans herself dramatically as she swoons, earning a laugh. “Oh, before I let you go. How did last night go with JJ?”

Emily clicks her tongue as she considers the question. “Um, weird. I think that’s the best way to describe it. She told me she’s been in love with me, which I know is not news to anyone but me. I mean, I know that she’s not looking to actually be with me and I’m not looking to be with her, so it doesn’t really matter. I think we’ll be alright and be able to get back to our old rhythm, it’s just gonna be awkward for a minute I imagine.” Emily waves her hands as if she can shoo the issue away.

“It’s been tense for a while, so I’ll take awkward for a minute.” Penelope opens her mouth to say more when the doorbell rings. “Nevermind, I’ll talk to you later. I want to hear all the details. Have such a good time, remember don’t freeze.”

“Bye Penelope.” Emily chuckles as she hangs up the call, her palms sweating. She can do this; she just has to not clam up. Tara already loves her; they’ve gotten dinner dozens of times before. She just has to be herself. Emily keeps repeating that phrase to herself as she grabs her purse and keys before opening the door.

Tara is wearing a light blue button down with the top few buttons open tucked into fitted grey slacks. Her hair is down with a middle part, one side tucked behind her ear. Emily’s breath catches when she sees her date, the warm porch light casting a soft glow on her dark skin. “You look amazing.” They both breathe out at the same time, breaking into quiet laughter at their synchronicity. 

“Are you ready to go?” Tara asks, almost timidly; her one hand stretching out for Emily’s. She hopes her palms are not too sweaty, or at the very least, Emily will be courteous enough not to mention it.

Emily bites her lip, her stomach flipping like crazy. She almost feels like she’s going to be sick. What if this goes horribly and everything is so bad after that they never talk again? She knows that she was at one point considering completely disappearing on Tara, but that feels different than Tara never wanting to talk to her again. Maybe she should call this all off before she has the chance to blow it all up. They haven’t even left her house yet, it would be so easy to close the door, take off her makeup, crawl into her bed and call Penelope back, crying about being such a mess in a way that only the blonde seems to understand too. 

“Hey,” Tara coos gently, seeing the spiral starting behind Emily’s eyes. She steps closer to her, wrapping her arms around the other woman and cradling her head against her chest. “Do you need a minute? We have some time before our reservation, we can sit and talk. Or, if you need to change plans, we can order in. What do you need? Talk to me.”

Emily breathes in deeply, inhaling Tara’s cologne, a mix of clove and other spices. As she exhales, she pulls out of the embrace a little and looks up into the caring brown eyes staring down at her. It’s this warmth that first drew Emily to Tara all those years ago, the gentle concern and caring that she has for all people, but especially her loved ones. Emily knows that most people look at Tara and see her humor, her ability to lighten even the heaviest of situations, or they see her intelligence, her ability to analyze and draw conclusions impressive enough to be put in charge of an entire taskforce; but when Emily looks at her, all she can see is a person who is able to make deep connections with even the worst the world has to offer, and someone who loves with all she has. Emily takes another deep breath before leaning up on her tip toes to gently press a kiss to Tara’s lips, the kiss over before the taller woman even fully has a moment to process it. “No, I’m okay. Just got lost in my head for a second. Trying to fight old habits and all, you know how it goes. But I’m ready. We’ve been waiting for this night for too long, I don’t want to delay it a second longer.”

“But we can, if you need to.” Tara gently rubs her thumb across Emily’s cheek, careful not to mess up her makeup, her palm cradling and lifting her jaw. “Like I said, gas station hot dogs are just perfect for me so long as I’m with you. I know how hard it can be to get out of one’s head, I live in mine most of the time unfortunately. I’d rather take a minute to help you out of yours now than lose you to it later.” 

Emily pulls her bottom lip between her teeth. Every part of her is screaming to brush it off and act like it’s all nothing, but that’s exactly what she promised both Tara and Rebecca she would stop doing. “I’m scared, like really irrationally afraid that this is going to go awfully and you’ll never want to even think of me again. And now, I don’t know, call me Pascal the way I’m figuring out what I’m willing to wager. Because what if it is safer to not even try. I’m worried that maybe I’m too broken and you’ll get hurt on my jagged edges.” Emily looks back up, almost expecting to see Tara agreeing with her and walking out the door.

“I mean, in the long run, you probably will hurt me.” Tara starts to say, grabbing Emily before she can fully retreat into herself. “And I’ll probably hurt you as well. Because it is damn near impossible for people to be in meaningful relationships with each other and not occasionally do or say the wrong thing. But I know you will never intentionally hurt me for the sake of hurting me, and I hope you know that I will never intentionally hurt you either. You know why I’m not scared that this will end horribly? I’m not afraid because we have years of close and meaningful friendship as a basis for this relationship to build off of. I’m not saying there aren’t going to be bumps in the road. There would be if it was just the two of us.”

Emily tries to let Tara’s words echo louder in her head than her doubts, but she still feels herself bracing for impact. “I wish I could have the faith that you have, but I’ve just had so many relationships, romantic and platonic, go bad once people get too close to me. And I just don’t want to…”

Tara pulls Emily’s hands up to her mouth and kisses the knuckles to get the spiralling to stop. “Do you trust me?”

“What? I–”

“Simple yes or no: do you trust me?”

Emily, brow still furrowed, looks deeply into Tara’s eyes. “Of course I trust you, with my life.”

“And do you love me?”

Emily rolls her eyes, but a small smile starts to peak out anyway. “You know I do.”

Tara squeezes Emily’s hands, pulling her in closer and wrapping their arms around Tara’s waist. “So, anytime you feel like maybe you can’t trust the situation or maybe even yourself, I want you to remember to trust me. I can’t and won’t promise you perfection, but I can promise that I won’t let this end, if it ever ends, in ruin. Can you trust me?”

The voices in Emily’s head quiet for just a moment as she considers this. Why is it that out of everything that she’s been through in her life, this feels like the scariest thing? Maybe it’s because there is so much more on the line to lose than just her life. She exhales, letting some of the tension release from her spine and nods. She opens her eyes to see Tara smiling at her and kisses her again, this one lasting a little longer than the last one.

They break apart, foreheads pressed together. “So, um, we should probably head to dinner?” Tara breathes heavily, her chest rising and falling with every word. Part of her wants to say screw dinner and spend the evening wrapped up in each other, maybe ordering food in, maybe just consuming each other. The other part of her, the logical part of her, knows that they have to take this somewhat slow. Emily needs it to be slow, of that Tara is sure, even if the other woman might disagree with that statement. 

Emily lifts her thumb to wipe some of her lipstick from Tara’s bottom lip. “Yeah, we should. I made the reservation for one of my favorite restaurants.” 

They arrive at a small Lebanese place just outside the district limits. The dining room is warmly lit, small Moroccan sconces evenly spaced along the walls and a few chandeliers hanging from the ceiling. The host leads the couple to their table which is already set with glasses of water and warm pita paired with za’atar. Tara lets Emily order for them both, being unfortunately unfamiliar with most middle eastern cuisine and they fall into a comfortable rhythm of conversation.

“So, did you ever work as a sommelier? Because your wine pairing is perfect.” Tara teases after taking another sip of the white wine. 

Emily laughs and tries to accept the compliment, knowing that any kind of dismissal will be unappreciated. “Well, you know I didn’t spend too much of my childhood in the States, and while I wasn’t drinking wine that young, that I’m willing to admit to, you don’t attend that many state dinners and not pick some things up. Growing up in the Middle East was especially interesting with all the different religions in the area, so I learned the rules of kosher and halal pretty young as well. I also learned not to say anything when I saw someone of a certain religious background breaking the dietary restrictions. I only had to be taught that lesson once.”

Tara chuckles and reaches across the table to grab Emily’s hand. “Oh, now I’m picturing baby Emily trying to navigate that political minefield. I’m sure that was very hard, but I’m currently benefitting from it so I can’t say I’m mad about it.” Tara smiles in response to the affectionate eyeroll shot her way. “It’s fun and weird to think that we both moved around the world so much and yet met in DC where our parents settled down.”

“Well, technically we met in New York, but I get your point.” Emily teases. She’s glad that the evening has not felt nearly as tense as she was fearing it would. “I’m glad we’ve got to this point. I don’t know if I’d trade anything for this; which considering all the shit we’ve been through is probably selfish and dramatic to say. But, even though it’s scary, I’m so happy to have this chance with you.”

Tara’s face softens as she stares across the table. It almost doesn’t feel real to her that this is actually happening, but it is. “I feel the same way.”

They fall into a comfortable silence as they eat before deciding to share a knafeh for dessert. Tara moans as she takes the first bite of the sweet, cheesy treat, blushing when she realizes that she did. Emily smirks but decides not to comment on it, asking instead the question that’s been on her mind all night. “How’s Rebecca doing with all of this?”

The question throws Tara off as she considers how to answer it; the last thing she expected Emily to bring up on their date is her girlfriend.

“Sorry.” Emily immediately regrets her question, noticing Tara’s hesitation immediately. “You don’t have to answer that. I shouldn’t’ve asked. I don’t know what I was thinking, that is so not a first date question.”

“Emily,” Tara squeezes the other woman’s hand, a gentle smile gracing her lips. “It’s sweet that you asked. Really, I just wasn’t expecting it.” She takes a sip of water, considering her words carefully. “It’s weird, and new, for all of us.” She thinks of Rebecca hovering the entire time she was getting ready and the reassurances the lawyer needed before she left to pick up Emily. “I think there are still some residual anxieties about this whole situation, but she is really trying her best to trust me, trust us. Honestly, I’d be more worried if she was acting completely unfazed by it all.”

“I get that. When she came to talk to me a couple days ago, I was impressed by her willingness to face what she was so obviously nervous about. It’s honestly what gave me the bravery I needed to ask you out.”

Tara tilts her head, her brow furrowing. “When did she talk to you?”

Emily bites her lip, her eyes wide, making her look like the kid caught with the cookie jar. “You didn’t know about us having dinner on Wednesday? I assumed…”

“Is that how she got home? Yesterday she said she needed a ride to work because her car was still at Quantico, but just mumbled something about a friend giving her a ride home.” Tara starts putting all the pieces together; she’d been so happy that Emily asked her out; she hadn’t really stopped to think about what would’ve given the unit chief the courage to actually do it. 

Emily’s mouth drops open. “She said that you two had ridden to work together on Wednesday but you had left her there to find a way home cause you were having dinner with your father. I can’t believe she played us both.” She can’t help but laugh at the lawyer’s spunk. “I have to say she’s earned a new level of respect from me.”

Their waiter brings by the check before Tara can respond, leading to a small fight over who gets to pay; Emily winning, of course. After they’ve paid, they walk back to the car hand in hand, enjoying the quiet calm of the night. If they were in a neighborhood either of them know better, Emily would’ve suggested taking a walk around the block, but as it is, she just enjoys the brief stroll she gets. Tara fusses with the radio for a second before driving back to Emily’s. A couple minutes pass before a song comes on that causes Emily to gasp and turn up the sound, singing along joyfully. Tara smiles, hoping to lock this memory in her mind forever. 

“It’s always so nice to hear you sing. You have an amazing voice.”

Emily blushes at the compliment, her skin crawling. “Thank you, it’s alright I guess. At least good enough for car rides, showers, and dancing around the house.”

“I think it can hold its own in more venues, but I will happily enjoy it in those settings.” Tara pulls into a parking spot and shifts into park, turning in her seat. “Maybe one day you can sing something for me specifically.”

“No. No, that sounds mortifying actually. I love you, but I don’t think I love you that much.” Emily jokes, smiling widely before a wave of nervousness hits her. She always hates this part of dates, the decision of if it is going to end or go further, and then you have to decide how much further it is going to go. It makes her feel like she’s back in high school or something and not a sexually active adult (okay, well maybe it is more accurate to say activated than active since she hasn’t been with anyone in at least a year). “Do…do you, um, want to come in for a drink?”

Tara bites her lip to stop from laughing at Emily’s awkwardness, knowing that will just end poorly. “Yeah, that sounds great. Do you still have any of that scotch?” She teases, her eyebrows wiggling.

“You’re incorrigible.” Emily leans over and kisses Tara lightly before unbuckling her seat belt and opening her door. “But yes, I do. Though you might have to convince me to share.”

Tara’s eyes darken as she gets out of the car herself. “I’m sure I can be very convincing.”

Emily’s breath catches in her chest as she tries to open her front door, her concentration broken by Tara pressing behind her. She finally gets the door open, pulling Tara in after her and catching the other woman’s lips with her own. Tara kicks the door shut, her hands immediately falling to Emily’s hips to pull them closer together. Emily kicks off her heels as they blindly move towards the living room, stumbling slightly with the second one. Tara chuckles and steadies the older woman before slowing the kiss down, her tongue softly asking for more. They use their hands to make it onto the couch, Emily straddling Tara. Their kiss deepens, tongues teasing each other before they break apart, their foreheads pressed together as their chests rise and fall heavily.

“Okay, you’ve convinced me. You can have the scotch or whatever else you want.” Emily’s eyes sparkle as Tara barks out a laugh. She can’t believe that she was considering canceling tonight. “Is it cheesy to say this is the best first date I’ve ever had?”

Tara tucks a silver strand that fell out of Emily’s updo behind her ear. “No, I think it’s honest. I mean, the food alone might clinch it. And that’s not even taking into account the company.”

“Now who’s being cheesy.” Emily teases, leaning down for another quick kiss. She doesn’t think she could ever get tired of kissing Tara’s soft lips. How has she been missing this for so long?

Tara melts into the kiss, her grip on Emily’s hips tightening ever so slightly, the cotton of the dress bunching under her fists. “I’m also just being honest.” Their lips meet again, followed by their tongues. They can’t get close enough to each other, can’t quench this thirst now that they’ve gotten a taste of the other.

Emily’s hands move from Tara’s cheeks to her hair to her shoulders to her lapels. She can’t decide where she wants to touch, how she wants to touch. She wants it all and it scares her as much as it excites her. Emily has always been more reserved when it comes to intimacy of any kind. Sure, she knows how to weaponize her sexuality; she’s had to do so at work more than she can count. But actually connecting with someone, allowing herself to be that vulnerable to rejection. Tara may love her, but what if she’s repulsed once she sees the myriad of scars that litter Emily’s body. They’re ugly reminders of everything she’s endured and she hates to look at them. Previous partners ignored them, some asked about them…some were completely turned off by them. She doesn’t know how she’ll handle even the slightest rejection from Tara.

“Wait…” Tara all but moans out, a hand going up to slow Emily down as the unit chief’s hands start toying with the buttons of her shirt. 

Emily immediately pulls away, her face bright red and her hands feeling like lead. She falls off of Tara’s lap to sit next to her on the couch, her entire body tense. “Sorry…sorry.”

“Don’t apologize.” Tara turns to face the other woman, turning Emily to look her in the eye. “I just think we should move a little slower.”

“No, of course. I shouldn’t’ve…” 

Tara places a finger over Emily’s lips, already seeing how she is starting to shut down. “I’m only saying that because once we start to move farther, I might not be able to stop. It’s not because I don’t want to. I considered skipping dinner all together and taking you immediately to the bedroom, but that seemed disrespectful.”

Emily’s eyes darken as images of Tara ripping her dress off of her fill her mind. “I think it would’ve been a fine suggestion.” She mumbles against the finger that lingers on her lips. She wonders how the finger might feel against her other li-

“Mind out of the gutter, Prentiss.” Tara teases, lowering her hand and leaning in for another peck. “There will be plenty of time for that later. I promise.” She can’t help but chuckle at the exaggerated pout she receives in response. “I want to do this right. I want this to last. And so I don’t want to rush into things. Well, I do want to.” Tara’s eyes sweep down over Emily’s body before meeting her eyes again. “God, I want to. But maybe it is the better choice to wait until we have more than one date under our belts.”

“Any chance you can leave and come back for another date tonight?” Emily raises her brow, smirking before she sighs and nods, dropping her forehead on Tara’s shoulder. “I both love and hate that you are thinking so logically. But you’re right. We should probably wait until after we can all talk about our boundaries and needs as well. But you are going to have to be the strong one,” Emily gently traces along Tara’s jaw, her thumb slightly grazing the bottom of her lip. “Because the second you touch me, I can’t think of anything other than how much I want you.” She winks as the psychologist shudders under her. “Now, about that drink…”

Chapter Text

“Good morning, love.” Tara greets Rebecca as she rolls over, kissing the lawyer’s forehead. She cuddles close to her girlfriend, her face still soft with sleep. 

“I didn’t know you came home last night.” Rebecca admits, hiding her face in the other woman’s neck. She breathes in deeply, relishing the comforting scent of Tara. “I thought maybe you were staying at Emily’s.”

Tara frowns and pulls away, trying to catch her girlfriend’s eyes. “I told you I wasn’t. We talked about this last night, about taking things slow.”

“No, I know.” Rebecca sighs and sits up. “I just got in my head a lot last night. It was really hard being alone and you being with her. And then you weren’t home when I got ready for bed, which was admittedly earlier than usual, and…”  She runs a hand through her hair. “It is just new and hard.”

Tara grabs Rebecca’s hand and squeezes it tightly. “I understand, I do. And I appreciate you being willing to try this. I love you so much. And I know that this is hard, I just need you to trust that I’m not going to break any of the boundaries or rules we set.”

“I do trust you, I do.” Rebecca bites the inside of her cheek. “It’s just sometimes my brain starts telling me things that I know aren’t true but it just gets so loud.”

“I know. Is there anything that I can do to help you in the future? Maybe make sure that I send you goodnight and goodmorning texts when I do eventually spend the night at Emily’s. Or leave you a note or something before I leave?” 

“I can’t ask you to do that. You should be able to spend time with her without thinking about me.” Rebecca pulls a knee up to her chest, avoiding making eye contact with her girlfriend. If she’s being honest, those suggestions probably would help her; but she doesn’t feel like she can ask for that. 

Tara sits up too, turning to face the lawyer. “A) you aren’t asking, I’m offering. B) You always live in my heart and mind. And C) do you want to know what Emily asked me last night?”

“I don’t know, do I?”

Tara smiles and lifts Rebecca’s hand to her mouth, pressing a soft kiss to her knuckles. “She asked me how you were doing with all this. Because both she and I care about you and want to make sure you are being taken care of too. So I’m not the only one who is willing to do what we can to make this transition smoother.” The profiler pulls the lawyer into her arms, kissing down her face and neck. “She’s coming over this afternoon to talk things through, so think about whatever we can do to help quiet those lying voices in your brain.” Tara kisses Rebecca deeply, pouring her love into the simple act. “Now, what can I make you for breakfast?”

The morning passes with ease, Tara spending most of it catching up on some chores and Rebecca looking over bills and finishing some light reading. It’s a little after one when Rebecca hears a knock at the door. She looks to the stairs where her girlfriend is upstairs taking a shower after feeling dirty from cleaning and sighs. Hopefully one day it won’t feel so awkward to interact with Emily outside of an official capacity. 

Emily stands outside the door; she feels a little shaky. She has no idea what to expect from this conversation, nor does she have any idea what to say. She’s kinda inclined to agree to pretty much anything if that means getting to be with Tara in any aspect. If that means that she only gets to see the profiler once a week, then that is what it means. Obviously, she’d like to have more time, but how much can she reasonably ask for? She bites her lip and is about to knock again when the door swings open to reveal a tight lipped Rebecca welcoming her in.

“Hey Emily, how’s your Saturday going so far?” Rebecca shuts the door behind the unit chief, shaking her head at her stupid small talk question. Who speaks like that? Someone who doesn’t know what else to say, that’s who.

“I just was in the office working on some things. Paperwork never seems to stop, right?” Emily bites her lip. She’s suddenly very self conscious of the fact that she works so much. Will Rebecca see that as a red flag that needs to be mitigated for this relationship to move forward? She almost feels like she’s meeting the parents for the first time, just from the energy the moment gives off alone. Maybe Rebecca should be sitting at the table cleaning a gun just to silently intimidate her, not that the lawyer isn’t intimidating enough on her own. “Where’s Tara?”

Rebecca clicks her tongue and glances towards the stairs again. “Showering. She thought she’d have time before you got here. Should just be another minute or so.” She doesn’t like how the unit chief’s eyes darken ever so slightly at the thought of her girlfriend showering…their girlfriend? This is really going to take some getting used to. “Do you want anything to drink? We really only have water, but I could make coffee or tea if you want.”

“No, that’s fine. I’m alright. Sorry if I got here too early, I was expecting more people to be out today, but the roads were oddly clear.”

“Yeah, traffic’s been good recently. I don’t like it; it feels ominous.” Rebecca scrunches her face. Silence once again falls over them as they stand in the foyer. “Would you like to sit down?”

Emily nods and chuckles a little, resisting the urge to start picking at her nails. “Please tell me that we aren’t gonna be this stilted forever. Ideally, I’d like to get to a place where we can be friends.” She regrets the words as soon as she says them, curling into her armchair.

“I’m sure we will probably get more comfortable with each other. Most likely.” Rebecca drums her fingers on her knee. “Forced proximity and all that.” She sighs and drops her shoulders. “I’m not trying to be weird around you.”

“I didn’t think…I mean.” Emily sinks lower in the chair. “It’s me too. Which just feels stupid because it isn’t like we haven’t been working together for months now.” 

“Well, sometimes it felt more like we were working against each other.” Rebecca quips, the corner of her mouth turning upwards. “Like when you would order me out of your office.”

Emily bites her tongue and winces. “Okay, not some of my finest moments. But it isn’t like you never leveled some orders my way too.”

“Which you usually ignored.”

Emily raises her hands in surrender. It’s nice and light banter, easing the knot in her stomach. Sometimes it just feels easy with Rebecca, when she doesn’t let the fact that this is Tara’s girlfriend get in her way. “Well, I paid for my mistakes, so can we call it even?”

“Oh yeah. I mean, even though you tend to be a renegade, you have gained a lot of respect with the AG’s office; which in turn has gained me respect since I had to put up with you.” Rebecca’s eyes twinkle as she relaxes in her seat. She keeps telling herself that it doesn’t have to be uncomfortable if she doesn’t want it to be. “How was the end of your week at work?”

“Well, everyone knows about the investigation surrounding Voit, so I’ve been getting mixed responses from other people outside my team. Some keep telling me that it’ll pass and they know I’m innocent, while others just avoid me and look at me like I stabbed the guy myself.” Emily rolls her eyes. “I mean, it’s less awkward than when I came back from the dead. Now there was a weird place to be in.”

“I’ve been meaning to ask you more about that actually. So when you say ‘came back’, where were you because obviously you weren’t actually dead?”

“I was in Europe, Paris mostly. I did some intelligence work after I healed. Played a lot of online scrabble. Oh, and practiced baking.” Emily nods her head slightly as she mentally goes through the time in her life she tries to block. 

Rebecca tilts her head, more questions dying on her lips when Tara jogs down the stairs in a t-shirt and shorts that accentuate her long legs beautifully. God, she just wants to climb her girlfriend like a tree. She shakes the thought from her head and purses her lips when she notices Emily do the same thing. She needs to get her jealousy under check. 

“You’re already here! I hope you haven’t been waiting forever.” Tara leans down to greet Emily with a gentle peck, making the lawyer’s stomach flip violently. 

Emily smiles up brightly until her eyes shift to the side and she notices the storm in Rebecca’s eyes. She pulls away a little, her smile dimming. “Not too long, we were just chatting. I think all of us prefer you being clean.”

Tara rolls her eyes and squeezes the unit chief’s hand before joining her girlfriend on the couch with a quick kiss to her temple. “What were you guys talking about?”

Rebecca wills her body to unclench; she has agreed to this. “Nothing specific. Just killing time.” She forces a smile and leans up to give Tara a soft kiss, which is readily reciprocated. It eases some of the tension inside, a reminder that she is not being cast to the side or forgotten. “So, um, does anyone have an idea for how to have this conversation?”

Emily barks out a laugh, quickly covering her mouth. She hates her uncontrolled laugh so much; it is so dorky. “Sorry, I don’t know why that got to me like it did.” She feels her face heating up. 

Tara smiles at Emily widely. She has always loved when the unit chief loses a little of her control or when her goofy, dorky side leaks through. Sure the older woman is impressive in a thousand ways, but that isn’t what she fell in love with; she fell in love with the dork who stumbled her way through an introduction and put her foot in her mouth half the time, the woman who told small jokes whenever she could. Tara’s so happy that she is getting more and more privilege to see Emily’s soft underbelly that she protects from the world. “I was thinking that we could talk first about some of the boundaries we all might need to set and then perhaps what a working schedule might look like; even though we all work unpredictable jobs, so it can’t be set in stone.”

“You mean our custody agreement.” Emily jokes, running a nail around her thumb’s cuticle. “Good thing we have a lawyer here.”

Even Rebecca can’t help but crack the smallest smile. “Normally you would want the lawyer to be a third party mediator, not one of the competing parties.”

“And what if I said I trust you to be impartial?” Emily challenges, her brow lifting and her dimples popping out. 

“You aren’t nearly dumb enough to think that.” Rebecca sits forward a little, leaning on her forearms. “Tomaría la custodia completa si pudiera.”

“No olvides que esta fue tu idea.” Emily reminds the lawyer, her heart rate spiking. She really, really wants this to work, but she knows it is all dependent on Rebecca’s agreement. 

Rebecca shrugs. “Ya sé, ¿por qué crees que estás aquí? No significa que no esté superando mis propios celos.”

“Hey, hey. What are you two talking about? You know I can’t speak Spanish.” Tara interjects, looking between the two women. 

Emily smiles at her love. “Nous parlons simplement de combien nous souhaitons tous les deux passer le plus de temps possible avec toi.”

“Je ne te crois pas.” Tara frowns. “Okay, new rule, only talking in English from here on out since I’m pretty sure the three of us don’t have another language in common and Rebecca and I don’t have a language we can speak that Emily won’t understand.” She turns to the lawyer, “Unless, you don’t speak German, do you?” 

“No, and I’m pretty sure Emily speaks better Spanish than I do which is upsetting.” Rebecca crosses her arms in front of her chest and leans back. “But you’re saying if I learned, she doesn’t know that one.”

“I’m pretty sure that’s correct.” The psychologist glances over at the unit chief who has a mischievous sparkle in her eye. “Do you?”

“Man weiß es nie.” Emily says before bursting out laughing again. She doesn’t speak the language fluently but she has picked up a few key phrases and words over the years, similar to Greek. It’s too hard to spend as much time in Europe and with Interpol as she did and not learn many of the languages. 

“Now you’re just showing off.” Tara shakes her head but can’t help the smile on her face. Of course she is constantly in awe of the older woman, who can possibly blame her?

Rebecca tries not to glower. It is hard not to feel insecure around the BAU in general but especially Emily. She is just so smart and driven and caring. If Rebecca didn’t know better, she would swear that the unit chief is perfect; the only thing keeping her from combusting is that she does know better. “If we are done with the languages of the world, do we want to get back on track?”

“You started it.” Emily reminds her before biting her tongue. She needs to keep her defensive self from making an appearance and blowing this all up. “Sorry, yes, we should. So, boundaries? That’s where we want to start, right?”

Tara goes to start but is beaten to the punch by Rebecca. “I want all of us to get tested.” The lawyer says as confidently as she can. “And if someone sleeps with someone outside of the three of us, she should get tested before being with her partner again, just to be safe.”

“Makes sense to me.” Emily readily agrees, knowing that she isn’t planning on being with anyone besides Tara. “I had a full diagnostic run on me in the hospital a couple weeks ago and everything was all clear, is that good for you or would you like me to get another test run?”

“Wait, wait, if someone sleeps with someone outside the three of us?” Tara questions, this thought not having actually occurred to her. She leans in a little closer to Rebecca and lowers her voice. “Are you wanting to see other people?”

Rebecca holds up one finger to her girlfriend and looks at Emily. “No, yeah, if you haven’t been with anyone since those tests were run then that’s fine. I booked Tara and I appointments at a clinic for tomorrow so that it will all be taken care of quickly for us as well.” She turns back to Tara. “As for your question, no I am not interested in anyone else at the moment, I will let you know if I ever am. I just hadn’t heard if you and Emily have had any talks about exclusivity and what that looks like in this relationship, especially since you have only had one date.”

“Well, we haven’t yet but I mean Emily hasn’t been with anyone since Andrew and that was years ago.” Tara looks up to see Emily scrunching her nose up and biting her lip. “Unless I’m wrong, am I wrong?”

“Well…” Emily hums, feeling guilty even though logically she knows that she hasn’t done anything wrong. “There have been a few women.”

“I see.” Tara’s back straightens a little, an unreasonable flash of jealousy crashing through her. She knows that she has no leg to stand on feeling this way but it doesn’t stop it.

Emily narrows her eyes. “Dr. Lewis, is that jealousy I’m detecting? Pretty interesting coming from the only person in this room dating more than one person.”

“Haha.” Tara gives her best unimpressed face to the older woman. “This is new to me too and there are bound to be growing pains. Jealousy is a natural human emotion that I am sure we will all feel at different points. The important thing is that we don’t let it fester and become something ugly. But that being said, Emily, are you thinking about seeing other people?”

The unit chief shakes her head ‘no’ with a small smile. She looks over to check in with Rebecca whose leg is bouncing rapidly. “Well, I’m glad that we can all recognize that jealousy is bound to happen. And that we all want to be safe when it comes to sex. Really good stuff. I thought of something I’d like for us to try.” She waits a beat to make sure she has the couple’s attention. “I don’t want Tara being in the middle of issues. I mean, like, obviously if the issue is specific to something she is or is not doing then that can be taken to her. But for things that are outside of that, I don’t want Tara to always be placed into the role of mediator. I don’t think it’s fair to anyone. Not that that’s been happening or anything, I just thought it might be good to establish beforehand.”

“I agree. We are all grown adults who can communicate.” Rebecca nods, wishing that she wasn’t feeling the urge to fight. She feels so on edge even though there isn’t a good reason for it. “I also think that maybe while things are still new, we limit the amount of PDA each couple shows around the odd one out, just until the concept of dating someone who is dating someone else feels more normal.”

“For sure.” Emily sticks her tongue out to moisten her lips as she tries to think of anything else to add. “And we are also agreed that we are keeping this on the DL until after I retire.”

Tara sits back and listens as Rebecca and Emily continue to set some boundaries, both at work and at home. She thought that she’d have to be more involved in this conversation but is happy to take the back seat. Listening to them talk, hope blooms in her chest that this is all going to work; and that maybe everything they’ve been through will be completely worth it in the end.

“Tara, do you have anything you want to add?” Rebecca taps the psychologist’s knee as she and Emily run out of boundaries.

“No, no. Um, I think everything you guys said was good.” Tara smiles, the nervousness she had felt this morning fully gone. “Should we talk about the custody agreement as Emily so wonderfully put it?”

“Yeah, I was thinking the 7-Eleven on Fuller Heights would be a good exchange location. We can then get you a slushy for a treat if you’re good.” Rebecca smiles, jumping on the ongoing bit. 

“Okay, did you two team up while I was in the shower?” Tara asks exasperatedly. “I mean, I’m not fully opposed to the idea of getting a treat, but seriously?”

“What can we say? You have a type.” Rebecca smirks, knocking her knee into her girlfriend’s. “Accomplished, smart, sarcastic…”

“Hot.” Emily supplies, earning a nod of agreement from the lawyer. “And no, we haven’t teamed up…yet. Though that’s a good idea, maybe we should consider that if there is ever something we really want.” She leans forward conspiratorally, winking to Rebecca.

Tara drops her head backwards onto the couch. “Can you put off unionizing until at least this conversation is done?”

“But I think you want the union formed before negotiations start.” Rebecca rebuttals, always enjoying the chance to rib her girlfriend. Tara groans and gently flicks the lawyer’s upper arm. “Ow!” Rebecca rubs her bicep. “Fine. But I don’t see how we are supposed to figure anything out that can be concrete with how unpredictable your cases can be.”

“And since I’m not travelling right now, you being out of town means being away from both of us.” Emily adds, her shoulders dropping slightly. She feels like she is about to find out that she won’t be getting nearly as much time as she would hope for, but she also can only imagine being Rebecca and losing some of the already limited time she has. “Maybe at the beginning, we just play it by ear. Tara, you and I can schedule dates as we go and then when everything is more established, we can revisit this conversation.”

Rebecca feels so relieved to hear that. She’s been trying to be such a good sport about everything but the thought of maybe not even getting to see Tara once a week because of how the cases fall had her feeling hopeless. God, sometimes it feels like Emily can read her mind and is giving her exactly what she wants. Though, maybe that’s exactly what’s happening; only profiling isn’t exactly mind-reading.

Tara’s brow creases ever so slightly. “Are you sure? I don’t want you to feel like you never get to see me.”

“Yeah, I’m sure. The pieces will eventually fall into place and we’ll all find our groove; I’m sure of it.” Emily smiles, though it doesn’t feel as real as it should. “Besides, it was a little ambitious for us to have thought we could talk through everything today.” Tara is about to respond when Emily’s phone rings, pausing the conversation. Emily answers it, listening closely to the person on the other end with a sigh. She ends the call with a promise to get right on it and looks to both women on the couch apologetically. “Duty calls. One of my other units needs me to go in.” 

“I’ll walk you out.” Tara offers, understanding that there isn’t much they can do in that case. Sometimes their jobs all really suck.

Emily nods and stands, turning to say goodbye to Rebecca. “Think about what our union should be called. I’m sure I’ll see you sometime this week.”

“Have fun.” Rebecca smiles to the unit chief and offers a little wave. “My first thought is the girlfriend guild but I’ll workshop it.”

Tara walks Emily to the door, tucking a piece of silvery hair back behind an ear. “I appreciate you being willing to have this conversation.”

“There’s very little I wouldn’t do for you.”

“So you’ll serenade me sometime?”

“Know your limits Dr. Lewis.” Emily teases as she kisses the doctor goodbye. “I’ll talk to you later, I have some ideas for our next date.” She winks, happy to see the way Tara’s eyes darken with want as she slips out the door.