Chapter Text
Catatonia is the most accurate word for my experience hours later. After I exhausted myself struggling against Elizbeth’s firm grip as she fought to keep me from degloving my hand everything went very still and muted. I never received the sweet comfort of unconsciousness. I’m not truly awake either, at least I don't think I am. I just am . I am . And more than anything else, I wish I wasn’t.
Elizabeth still doesn’t trust me to not fight her even as she bandages my wrists. She never lets me have more than one limb free at a time leaving the other cuffed and attached to the anchor in the wall as she works on each one. At least the bandages give some padding but Elizabeth still tightens the cuffs enough that I can't slip them off and that means that the layers of fabric add a permanent slightly uncomfortable pressure.
It takes a long time for me to come back to anything resembling functionality. It's all too much for one day. I’ve lost my anal virginity while being raped by my former best friend, she kept shocking me with that stupid cattle prod and now I have all these new weird feelings about my masculinity or lack thereof the unpack. Not that I’m going to actually do that. No thank you. Those feelings can all stay in a nice little box all the way up on a shelf, all the way in the back of my mind.
I keep my back turned to Elizabeth and the bulk of the cave. A few times she tries to speak to me but her words just flow past me without really being processed. Eventually she resorts to the cattle prod to try and get my attention but even though I understand the pain, I still don’t understand the words she says after that. I think she gave up after that. My eyes are open but no one is home. Minutes or hours or days later the cave begins to darken and the sun dips below the next ridge over and Eli settles into bed next to me. And despite everything her touch still soothes something in me enough for my eyes to blink one slow lazy blink.
And when I open my eyes after that momentary blink Eli is at the table eating breakfast and warm Friday morning sunlight is lighting up the mouth of the cave. My wrists have been released from the bolt above my head but my ankles are still linked to the stone by their solid metal chain.
Eli must have heard me stir because she quickly turns in the chair and catches me with my eyes open, no chance of pretending to still be asleep then.
“Morning Mary Sunshine. How did you sleep?”
I grunt. “Like someone sleeping next to their rapist.”
Eli shrugs. “The anal training is necessary to help you understand your place as the bottom bitch. Yesterday was the first time but it certainly won’t be the last, but you can stop getting raped anytime you like. All you have to do is start saying yes and boom, no more rape.”
We’re barely a few seconds into this morning and this bitch is already pissing me off. “Thats not how fucking rape works E.”
This time she sighs. “Strike one girl. Call me sir. See, this is me being generous and giving you a whole new set of three strikes. I hope for your sake that they last longer than yesterday.”
“Don’t call me girl.”
“Strike two. Are you trying to get shocked again? And you don’t have the power here. You’ll accept whatever I say you are.”
“Oh sorry sir . I forgot that being a rapist gives you the right to tell me who and what I am.”
“Not respectful but at least you made it through one sentence without getting yourself another strike. Sit up. Eat. We’ve got another long day ahead Alice .”
I grimace at the name but do as she said to the best of my ability. I’m still trapped on the bed by the ankle chain but she passes me a bowl full of the cereal. The last of the fruit and yoghurt must have gone bad. There are a few other options, besides cereal and cartons of ultra-pasturized milk, some things like cereal bars and instant oatmeal but nothing fresh. Eating is annoying since I have to place the bowl on my lap and bring the spoon all the way down and back every time.
As soon as I’m done eating Elizabeth comes over and forces me back down, re-securing my cuffs. This time the chain is long enough that I can actually pull my elbows down as far as my face without hurting my damaged wrists. She pushes two more of the white pills into my mouth then tosses a few things onto the bed, the cattle prod, a butane soldering iron and I think a ping pong paddle? She has to climb over me to get to her spot on the rock shelf and sits criss-cross in a spot where most of my body from my torso to my thighs will be in her reach but I can’t possibly get at her even with the longer chain.
“I’m going to have to hurt you now. Though how much and for how long is entirely up to you. You are Alice. That’s the first thing I need you to accept before we can move to the next stage. So, let's begin. What’s your name?”
“Lars Arne.”
She pulls my pants down far enough to expose my thigh and slaps me with the ping pong paddle. It stings more than I was expecting it too and the little bumps of the rubbery surface seem to grab at my skin as she pulls it away.
“Ow! What the fuck? I thought I still had another strike.”
“That strike is for mistakes, not willful disobedience. Your name is Alice Langley. You’re a good girl. Now what is your name?”
“Lars Arne. What’s with making me take your last name?” It's not that I’m particularly attached to my names, first or last, but it’s the principal. This is something I can defy her about even if I can't physically resist.
This time she pulls my shirt up over my head and then it’s the cattle prod right on my ribs. The copper contacts jab against the bone and the shock makes my whole chest clench. Seems like she doesn't want to let me adjust to just one type of pain.
“You’re my wife. My bitch. Of course you’ll take my name. So, your name is Alice Langley. You’re a good girl. What’s your name?”
“Lars Arne.”
The paddle again, on the other thigh this time. “Maybe once. But he was never who you actually were. You are Alice Langley. You’re a good girl. What is your name?”
The cattle prod in my abs.
“You are Alice Langley. You’re a good girl. What is your name?”
The paddle on my nipple.
“You are Alice Langley. You’re a good girl. What is your name?”
The cattle prod on my thigh.
“You are Alice Langley. You’re a good girl. What is your name?”
The paddle on my thigh.
“You are Alice Langley. You’re a good girl. What is your name?”
The cattle prod in my ribs again.
“You are Alice Langley. You’re a good girl. What is your name?”
This time she pauses and I hear a telltale click and then the sustained whoosh of a butane flame. The fire will heat the conductive metal tip allowing for directed and precise heat. It’s made for melting soft metal for electronics or copper pipes and I sit up to try and see what Elizabeth intends to do with it. After giving the torch some time to warm up and she clicks off the flame I receive searing clarity about her intent. She’s using the hot tip of the iron to trace a letter onto my thigh. It doesn't feel like it will be quite to the point of creating an open sore but it’s damn close. That’s probably exactly why she used the soldering tip. It gives her precise control of the heat.
The prod.
The paddle.
The iron.
Screaming
The prod.
The paddle.
The iron.
Screaming
The prod.
The paddle.
The iron.
Screaming
The prod.
The paddle.
The iron.
Screaming
Twelve repetitions of the pattern total before she allows me to sit up enough to see the results of her ministrations. ‘ALICE LANGLEY’ is burned into my thighs, one word per limb.
Her voice is gentle, caring. But condescending as well, like a patient parent explaining something to a child. “I really want you to think before you answer this time Alice. Why would someone named Lars have your name burned onto their thighs? Why would I be attracted to a Lars ? Why would I spend all this time helping someone with a name that feels so disgusting in my mouth. LLL-Aa-Rr-sss.” She drags out and exaggerates every sound. It really does sound strange. Gross even. “Alice is a much prettier name for a much prettier girl. And it’s your name. You are Alice Langley, and you are a good girl. What is your name sweetie? It doesn’t matter if you're scared or confused. It doesn’t matter if you sometimes have a hard time remembering. Just read it off your legs. Just be a good girl and tell me what that says.”
The words come out of another mouth. In another time. I feel it moving before I think the words. Too slow. My face is numb. “A-Alice,-... Lang-ley.”
“And what are you Alice?”
“I’m a good girl ssshir.” The last word was supposed to be ‘sir’ but it came out slurred.
“That’s right Alice. And you’re not just any good girl. You’re my good girl. But you don’t know what that means yet do you Alice?”
“Umm-“ A question. Eli didn’t give me the answer for that one yet. All she told me was that my name is Alice and I’m a good girl. I guess that means- “No?”
“No you don’t know yet Alice. But that’s ok. Silly girls like you don’t need to think about hard things like that on their own. So you can just lie back down and listen to the sound of my voice.”
Once I was on my back she also laid down next to me and began petting me. I’m scared of her. She hurt me until I said my name just now. But she’s my friend. Maybe she has a reason? I don’t know.
“I can see you thinking hard, pretty girl. Try to let those thoughts go. Just listen to my voice. Just let me walk you through relaxing and through relaxing you breathe and through breathing you relax. Take a deep breath in with me now. In, two, three, four. Fill those choir lungs and hold it at the top two, three, four. And out, two, three, four. And through breathing you relax. And then as you breathe and relax and relax and breathe I want you to stop. Stop those pesky thoughts, stop the breathing and freeze the muscles. Tense everything and then take a deep breath with me again. In, two, three, four. Relax again as we breath out, two, three, four.
Now that you’ve felt the tension it’s so much easier to let it slip away completely, to let your thoughts slip away completely. Now that the tension is gone you’re all the more loose and relaxed and calm. Nothing matters beyond the sound of my voice. You are safe here. You won’t be hurt here as long as you obey and drift and listen. And doesn’t it just feel so good to roll your shoulders and let all the tension out? Doesn’t it feel so good to relax and obey and be Alice ? You remember things so well and forget things so easily. Your subconscious mind remembers, and your conscious mind forgets. You’re sinking and drifting so well for me, and you understand that even as your conscious mind feels so far away, even as those hard, uncomfortable thoughts feel so very far away, your subconscious mind is right here with me. And it’s listening to my voice and it remembers my voice because my voice is all that matters right now. Not to the conscious brain, she doesn’t need to be here right now, because I’m speaking to something deeper right now. And the conscious mind will forget to remember and the unconscious mind will forget to forget, and that doesn’t need to make sense. You don’t have to make it make sense, because instead you can just listen to my words and drift. And you will listen to my words and drift because you are a very good girl . Because you are Alice and Alice is a good girl and good girls drift off so deep and so peaceful and it’s all so easy to just relax.
And now here you are Alice. So calm and so relaxed and so eager to learn how to be a good girl. And the first step to being a good girl is learning to sleep every time I tell you to sleep. Your conscious mind will go to its place so far away and so peaceful and quiet and you’ll just float and listen and be ready to obey every time I tell you to sleep. You’ll quickly relax and be ready to fall deeper and deeper, feeling better and better. And the key to all those wonderful things you feel every time I call you a good girl is to follow my command and come back to this state of trance every time I say sleep. Because you do feel so very wonderful every time I call you a good girl and the unconscious mind knows that it feels so good to relax and be a good girl but sometimes the conscious mind struggles. But you don’t need to struggle. This doesn’t have to be hard. So every time I call you a good girl the subconscious mind will just help things along a little. Every time I call you a good girl you’ll feel just a little jolt of pride and pleasure. Pleasure you know you earned by being a very good girl for me. Every time I tell you to sleep the subconscious mind will just help things along a little. The subconscious mind will just help those things by giving you a little pulse of pleasure, a reminder of the relaxation of easy submission and beautiful obedience. And every time I snap my fingers *snap* you will sleep and drop deeper and deeper. The farther you drop the better you feel, and the better you feel the faster you drop. Your conscious mind struggles to remember your name sometimes. Your name is Alice. When your conscious mind struggles I want you to just look down. I wrote your name on your skin. Just read your name anytime you forget that you are Alice. And Alice can always drop deeper every time she hears me snap my fingers. *snap*
Alice, just floating in this mindless space where you can just listen to my words, with no defenses or filters. Where you can just accept that the things I say are true. But this isn’t the only place in your mind where you can trust everything I say. Even with your waking conscience mind you know that these things I say are true. These words I whisper with a still small voice are true. But I won’t ask you to take my word for it. These feelings will be better than anything that false church could give you, because my words are real. This is no simple feeling in your gut that you can take to mean whatever you want. This is revelation that needs no interpretation. And my words will always be true. Free from any agendas or the teachings of men. My voice is your new scripture and the only purpose of your new gospel is making you into your best self. This is the first revelation of your new still small voice. I will always love you and want what is best for you. And what will always be best for you is to follow my orders, follow my voice. Not just here, so deep in trance, so relaxed and compliant, but also when you are awake and alert. And you can accept that your name is Alice, not just here, so deep in trance, so relaxed and compliant, but also when you are awake and alert.
Because all I’ve ever wanted was to help you be a good girl Alice. Because you will be a good girl who obeys all the things I’ve told you today. When I say sleep you will sleep and drift back down into a relaxed and easy trance. When I snap my fingers *snap* you will drop down deeper. Always finding that there is always farther to sink. When I call you a good girl, your subconscious mind will help you feel the pleasure you deserve for earning my praise. And most importantly, you will obey. You will obey these triggers and you will find peace and joy in easy obedience to me even in the waking world and even if you don’t understand why it feels sooo good to just follow and obey.
And now it’s time for you to come back up to that waking world. You don’t need to hold onto the memories of anything that happened down here. But it’s fine if you do. My words have already been spoken straight to your unconscious mind. Straight through the defenses that normally make things difficult to just accept and obey when your conscious mind is playing guard dog. But your conscious mind is so very far away right now. And it’s time for us to go back and rejoin it. It’s time for you to feel yourself rising back to awareness as you come back up to consciousness and I count you up to ten. One, feeling so calm and so good. Two, calm and comfortable, safe and secure. Three, coming up now, feeling coming back to all the muscles that have been so relaxed. Four, remembering that all I have spoken is truth. Five, halfway up now, letting me guide you up to a place where even when the conscious mind is fully awake you’ll find it so much easier to trust and obey me. Six, we’re nearing the surface now. Seven, stretching and feeling good. Eight, your conscious mind waking up. Nine, eyes open. And ten, fully awake.”
And I am. Some of the strange floaty feeling is lingering in my extremities but I can form real thoughts beyond wanting to listen to her forever. I shake myself as hard as I can without tugging on my chains.
“Hello Alice, welcome back. Just to be sure… What's your name and how do you feel?”
“Hey E, my name is Alice Langley and… what the fuck was that?” There’s no way that just happened right?
“Alice we literally just got done with branding your name on your thighs. Do you really want to get shocked?”
“Sorrry sir, what the fuck was that?”
Eli chuckles. “Just some hypnosis. You were so wide open after barely any pain. I know you could have handled more but you hit subspace like a brick wall. It was just so fucking easy to drop you.”
I understood the premise of most of those words. E knows I’m kinky and I’ve listened to a few hypno files but hearing the words in that combination and in reference to me is… disorienting. I mean we’ve talked about porn, my sister is a marriage and family therapist with a focus on the issues porn can cause in a relationship. It’s not actually the porn itself or even unrealistic expectations of what sex should look like thanks to it that cause the biggest problems. It’s actually the shame associated with things like feeling like it’s cheating on your spouse, religious dogma and misplaced aggression or irritation caused by not communicating. Couples who have healthy communication around porn actually have relatively few issues compared to those who treat it as absolutely taboo or shame each other for it. And it can actually use it as a tool to address things like a sexual desire mismatch which keeps partners from experiencing frustration or feeling unfulfilled. Those findings are even backed up by research from BYU and as the church’s own school they have every reason to be biased but the data speaks for itself. End of pro healthy communication and anti shame tangent.
Where was I? Oh yeah, Elizabeth was talking about how she just hypnotized me. The memory isn’t perfectly clear since total hypnotic amnesia is extremely difficult to achieve but it kind of blurs around the edges. I couldn’t tell you a single specific thing she said, just the general vibes. Which seem to have been focused on my name and obedience. Alice… Al-ice… Ali-ce it feels a little weird. Like there’s something in the tip of my tongue that just doesn’t feel right about it but Elizabeth told me to just look at my thighs any time I get confused and sure enough there’s my name. Alice Langley.
I wonder how long it will be until the last name is official. We haven’t had a real marriage yet but she’s already called me her wife a few times and she gave me her last name. What would our wedding even look like? We’re not Mormon anymore so that would rule out the temple even if Eli wasn’t a lesbian. Maybe a backyard ceremony on the lawn on the farm?
But that doesn’t feel right. My parents would never approve of me wearing a dress and that’s something I’ve wanted for my wedding for years. Doing something fucky with the genders of our outfits is something E and I have joked about for years. She wants to wear a suit and no matter how many times I deny wanting it, I still blush every time she brings up me wearing a white dress. Of course that was always assuming we’d be marrying other people and that we could find partners who would be ok with it but I guess that problem’s solved now.
I’m getting distracted again. And then the truth slams into me like a full metric ton of bricks. My name isn’t fucking Alice. How the fuck did she do that? God she actually had me lost in the fucking sauce there for a minute. What the fuck.
Lars Arne.
Or…