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Friendship

Eddie Diaz was no stranger to firsts. First dates, first kiss, first time, first child. First real job, first time being grounded, first drink (then first hangover), first time sneaking out, first party. First time arguing with his parents, the first time responsibility had been hefted onto his shoulders. The first time he realized his parents treated him differently to his sisters.

So the first day at his new job didn’t bother him.

He woke at the crack of dawn as usual, which gave him time for a leisurely shower and some toast with some of Christopher’s grape jelly. He made a full pot of coffee and had drunk two cups before it was time to turf his son out of bed. Christopher completed his morning routine without dawdling or getting distracted for once, clearly aware of this auspicious day. There was a brief interlude as Christopher packed his bag to take to Abuela’s (that he had sworn blind before bed he’d packed yesterday) with so many cars, model dinosaurs, Lego bricks and building blocks that his rucksack wouldn’t close, and still tried to tuck Guess Who, Twister, and his cuddly dinosaur under his arms. Eddie had spent 10 minutes negotiating with him, explaining Abuela was too old for Twister, and he didn’t need Lego and blocks, but Christopher’s face had clouded and Eddie had panicked and bribed him with a bar of chocolate in his bag in exchange. Two lots of chocolate later (“Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup for me, Hershey’s Kisses for Abuela. She deserves Kisses.”. Christopher drove a hard bargain), and they were finally in the car, Christopher nattering from the back seat.

~

Abuela was a dream, as always. She greeted them at the door and insisted Eddie come in for a cup of coffee and some freshly-made Pan Dulce. He let her kiss both cheeks and say a prayer over him, before insisting he had to leave. He crouched to press a kiss to the side of Christopher’s head.

“Be good for Abuela and I’ll see you tomorrow.” He pulled his son to his chest and squeezed tight. “I love you so much.”

“Love you too, Dad,” Christopher hugged him tight around the neck in a way that always made Eddie reluctant to let go.

“Sleep well and I’ll see you after my shift.” Eddie pressed another kiss into Christopher’s hair and hugged and kissed his grandmother, who told him how proud she was of him, and he headed to work.

~

Eddie expected the nerves to hit when he arrived, but they didn’t. He thought they might make an appearance when he had his onboarding chat with Captain Nash, but no. The opportunity to change into his uniform just brought excitement, and he made a point of ignoring the gang staring at him as he pulled his top over his head. He could vaguely hear them talking about him, which he resolutely ignored, even when he heard someone demanding to know

“And why do we need him?” Eddie sniggered to himself, adjusting his shirt. He mostly ignored the introduction Captain Nash gave him, although he sniggered and rolled his eyes at “8 pack” (a clear attempt to rile the kid up and it wasn’t anything Eddie had said).

Introductions were made, the briefing was interesting, and suddenly Eddie was being presented with the best breakfast he had ever seen. His eyes must have popped out of his head, because Chimney laughed and slapped him on the back.

“Oh yeah, Bobby likes to keep us well fed here. He didn’t tell you?”

“Oh, he said I wouldn’t need to bring anything for dinner,” Eddie admitted, taking the plate Chimney handed him, politely serving himself a sausage and a conservative amount of scrambled eggs. “I figured that meant take-out.” He thought about the sad bologna sandwich he’d left in the communal fridge and wondered if he should have bothered.

“Oh, no take-out here,” Chimney grinned, spooning more eggs and some bacon onto Eddie’s plate before piling up one for himself. “So Eddie. Silver star, huh?” He stuffed some toast in his mouth and grinned. Eddie prodded at his breakfast with his fork, his wrist panging with phantom pains.

“I’d rather not talk about it, if that’s OK.”

“Of course it is,” Hen smacked Chimney on the arm. “Sorry, people around here are too nosy for their own good. We’re just excited to meet someone new.”

“Not everyone is,” Eddie pointed out grimly, nodding down the table to where Buck was alternating between shooting daggers at him and monologuing animatedly to Captain Nash who, to his credit, gave him his full attention with a fond look on his face. “I’m not sure he likes me much.”

“Oh, that’s just Buck,” Hen grinned. “He’s all bark and no bite. He thinks he’s a bulldog, but he’s just a golden retriever puppy after a fuss and some attention.”

“He’s extra sensitive at the moment,” Chimney explained. “Poor guy just got ghosted by his first real girlfriend. He can’t even admit he’s been dumped-”

“Chim,” Hen cut across him. “I’m not sure Buck needs his business airing.”

“He still lives in her place,” Chimney didn’t seem to pay her much heed. “If you ask him, she’s still coming back.”

“Chim,” Hen groaned. “Sorry, Eddie. Chim couldn’t keep a thought to himself to save his life.”

“I’m just saying,” Chim held up his hands in defence. “We should give the guy some slack.”

~

Eddie tried. He tried to be supportive. He tried to be friendly. Hell, he even tried being civil. Buck wasn’t having it. Eddie tried to offer advice on a call, but Buck just acted like Eddie had spat in his face. Chimney tried to get Buck to join his and Eddie’s conversation in the engine, and Buck looked like Eddie had just kicked his puppy. Even when he bumped into Buck in the bathroom, Buck had glared at him until he’d raised his hands in supplication and backed out the room.

It came to a head in the station gym. Eddie had changed into shorts and a loose tank top, and was just deciding which equipment to start with when Buck made some sort of sarcastic comment – not the first dig of the day – and Eddie sighed.

“Is everything OK?”

“You’re my problem,” Buck snapped, and Eddie couldn’t help fond amusement. That hadn’t been what he’d asked, but clearly the guy had something else on his mind.

“Me?” He asked, as gently as possible, but Buck clearly didn’t take it that way.

“Yes, you!” Buck put his weight down and moved his arm like he was resisting the urge to poke Eddie in the chest. “You’re too comfortable here.”

“Too-?” Eddie frowned, but Buck wasn’t finished.

“You’re not supposed to come in here like it’s easy.” He insisted. “Like you’ve been here for years. You should be finding your feet and settling in.” Suddenly Eddie had an insight into what Buck’s first days at the station had been like, and he understood further.

“I’m sorry, OK?” He told him, as gently as possible. “I know you’ve got other stuff going on-”

“Other stuff?” Buck demanded to know. “What other stuff? Who told you that?”

“And I’m not trying to step on anyone’s toes.” Eddie could tell he wasn’t doing a very good job of soothing.

“If it was Han, I’ll fucking kill-”

“It won’t happen again.”

~

24 hours was a long time for a shift, but Eddie didn’t care; he’d had the time of his life and couldn’t wait to do it all again. He tumbled into bed for a nap, then had a long, hot shower. He felt better than he had for weeks – not that he’d felt bad before, but there was a lightness Eddie hadn’t felt for years. The lightness of camaraderie, of ease, of belonging.

Eddie put on some old, comfortable clothes and drove to dinner at Abuela’s. He was met at the door by a very excited Christopher, who he scooped into his arms and smothered in kisses, reducing the child to fits of giggles.

“I missed you, buddy!” Eddie pressed kiss after kiss into Christopher’s hair. He sat Christopher on his hip and carried him inside. He knew that Christopher was able to – and liked to – walk by himself, but he was reluctant to let go of him just yet, and Christopher clearly felt the same. He was always quick to insist on being put down when he wanted, but he just rested his head on Eddie’s shoulders and kept his arms around Eddie’s neck.

It was the longest they had been apart since Eddie had returned from Afghanistan; even working three jobs in El Paso, Eddie had made sure he was back for either bedtime or breakfast, but he had dropped Christopher off a day and a half ago and suddenly felt like a hole in his chest had been filled. He hadn’t realised how much a piece of him had been missing until he had returned to him.

“Did you have fun with Abuela?” He asked, as he carried Christopher into the living room, and Christopher nodded enthusiastically.

“We made polvorones, and we watched Cars, and we played Guess Who!” Christopher announced, allowing Eddie to sit him on his lap. Christopher leaned forward against Eddie’s chest and Eddie wrapped his arms around him, tight and secure. “In Spanish.”

“He’s really coming along,” Abuela smiled fondly at the pair, before leaning in to press a kiss to Eddie’s cheeks. “How was it, Eddito?”

“It was amazing,” Eddie smiled, running his hands through Christopher’s hair. He kissed Abuela’s soft, velvety cheek in return. “I loved every minute.”

~

True to form, Christopher chattered the whole way through dinner, explaining how he had helped Abuela cook, or the plot of the telenovela they had watched together, or a blow-by-blow rendition of the How To Train Your Dragon chapter Abuela had read him before bed. He had sat at Eddie’s feet as the adults chatted in the living room, driving his toy trucks along the carpet in his own little world. As time moved on, he’d reluctantly agreed to change into his pyjamas and brush his teeth, then climbed into Eddie’s lap unbidden and slumped against him, wrapped in his favourite dinosaur blanket, asleep in seconds.

Eddie knew he should get his son home and to bed, but he was reluctant to lose the comfortable weight against his chest or the hot breath against the side of his neck.

“And you’re really happy?” Abuela asked gently, handing him a hot mug of herbal tea. Eddie smiled, taking it and cradling it in his hands.

“Yeah, really,” he promised. “It feels like home, y’know? They all eat together at mealtimes, and they all made sure everything felt welcome, and they were like a family. It was perfect.” He chuckled to himself. “There was this one guy, Buck-”

“Buck?”

“It’s a nickname,” Eddie waved a hand. “They all have nicknames. But he was the old probie, and suddenly I was the new guy and-”

“Like you were when Sophia was born,” Abuela’s eyes twinkled with laughter, and Eddie groaned.

“Abuela!” He put on an act of protesting, although he also laughed. “I was eight! This guy? I dunno, he’s my age, I guess, but he seems kinda insecure.” He pulled a face. “I guess everything changes when you’re used to being the new guy. He-” He thought back to Buck’s words. It shouldn’t be so easy for you and felt guilty. “I think he thought I was trying to replace him.” He felt awful; he hadn’t meant to upset Buck, or make him feel like that.

“You?” Abuela sounded surprised. “Just wait until he gets to know you, Eddie. He’ll know that’s not you.”

“It’s OK,” Eddie smiled at her, taking a sip from his mug whilst keeping one arm around his son. “We bonded. He’s a sweet guy. I think he thought he was being tough, but he just seemed-” He paused, considering. He hadn’t found Buck intimidating, he hadn’t found him confrontational. Hen and Chim were right; even without having been told, Eddie would have known that Buck was all vulnerability and bravado. “I dunno. It doesn’t matter now. We went out for dinner and we talked, and we’re good.”

“Of course you are,” Abuela smiled. “There’s no way he couldn’t like you.” She leaned over and rubbed her thumb against his cheek like she was rubbing off an invisible speck of dirt, then ran her fingers through Christopher’s hair. He snuffled in his sleep and nestled closer to Eddie.

“Abuela,” Eddie laughed, rubbing his hand up Christopher’s back to settle him. “Not everyone can be liked all the time.”

“Not everyone,” Abuela agreed. “But my Eddie? Of course he can.”

~

If Eddie had thought an explosive in someone’s leg was stressful, he had not been prepared for the earthquake. He’d lost his first patient since starting at the 118 – which bothered him, of course it did, but Buck followed him round when they got back to the station, watching him like he was going to break down any second – and frankly, he was exhausted. The Army had been tough, working 3 jobs and caring for his son had been a different kind of tough. Firefighting was another kind of tough all together; not harder, not easier, but different.

He was too tired to decline Buck’s offer to drive him home – clearly there was something going on that meant he felt he had to hover – but requested a quick stop off, first.

Christopher had been at school through the whole of the earthquake and way into the evening. He showed no signs of exhaustion, fear, or frustration, but was his usual sunshine self. He threw himself at Eddie when he went in to collect his son, let Eddie carry him to the car, and talked about his day the whole way home.

The first thing Eddie did when he got home was put the oven on for some dinner. It was past Christopher’s bedtime, but he hadn’t eaten all day, and was sure Christopher wouldn’t have eaten since lunchtime. Whilst the dinosaur nuggets and tater tots were in the oven, Eddie did his nieto y sobrino duties and phoned Abuela and Pepa to assure them he was OK. As expected, Abuela had been praying all afternoon, and Pepa had been fixed to the news, watching him as best she could inside the hotel.

It took a lot of negotiation – and promises to call back in the morning – for Eddie to be able to hang up before the food burned. He called for Christopher to wash his hands and come and get a drink, and smiled at Buck on the sofa, who looked just as exhausted as he felt.

“You OK, man?” he asked, and Buck glanced up.

“Yeah, yeah,” He rubbed his eyes and sat up with a stretch. “Uh, Chris wants me to stay for dinner, but I can sneak out while he’s-”

“Absolutely not,” Eddie shook his head. “I’ve made enough for us all. I hope you like dino nuggets; it would be all Chris would eat if he was allowed.”

“Yeah,” Buck gave an almost bashful smile. “They sound good.”

“Beer?”

“Godsend.”

“Dad!” Christopher hurried back and scrambled into his seat at the table. “Buck is so cool. He was telling me all about what it’s like being a firefighter!”

“I’m a firefighter too, Chris,” Eddie laughed, placing his plate in front of him and passing him the tomato ketchup bottle.

“Yeah, but you’re my dad,” Chris shrugged, squirting enough ketchup onto his plate that he wouldn’t be able to taste his corn and broccoli. Eddie didn’t have the energy to fight with him as long as he ate it without a fuss.

“Thanks, Bud.” He raised an amused eyebrow, but Christopher had already moved on.

“What’s your dad do, Buck?”

“Uh, he’s a teacher,” Buck looked apprehensive at the subject change, and Christopher beamed at him.

“Oh wow. I might be a teacher one day.” He poked at his corn with a fork before moving on to a nugget without bothering to scoop up any vegetables. “Or an astronaut. I haven’t decided yet.”

“Great choice,” Buck sounded almost as tired as Eddie felt, but made no attempt to shush the boy. He also, Eddie noticed, made no attempt to jump in and help him where it wasn’t needed. Eddie’s mother would have cut Christopher’s nuggets up for him before even passing him the plate, or take his cutlery from him to do it at the table without asking. Buck filled Christopher’s glass of water for him without reference to juice boxes or straws. He spoke to Christopher like he was an equal, and didn’t even bat an eyelid at his mobility issues.

“Dad, can Buck put me to bed tonight?” Christopher begged, and Eddie looked over at Buck, who, rather than looking apprehensive, looked excited at the opportunity.

“If it’s OK with Buck,” Eddie smiled fondly, and Christopher didn’t even pause to blink.

“It is. And can he be the one to read me my story?”

“If you can stay awake long enough!” Eddie laughed and Christopher gave his most determined nod.

“I will.” He promptly yawned, making Eddie laugh.

“One more piece of broccoli, then into the shower.”

~

Now they had a chance to chat, without work or emergencies or extremely sociable children to get in the way, Eddie realized how easy it was to talk to Buck. They stayed up way later than they should have after such a long day, discussing Shannon, discussing Abby, discussing Christopher and Abuela and Pepa and sports and TV shows and anything else they could think of. By the end of the night – and the second beer – Eddie had been recommended takeout restaurants and day trips for Christopher and a new show on Netflix, and Buck had offered to babysit any time Eddie needed a night off.

Eddie thought he’d finally found the best friend he’d ever had.

~

Hearing Pepa inform him that he had to get to the hospital put Eddie into such a blind panic he forgot to even ask what the problem was. By the grace of a god he didn’t believe in, Buck had seen the state he had worked himself into and insisted on driving.

“Tia, que paso?!” Eddie demanded to know as soon as he saw the woman, Buck trailing awkwardly behind him. “Is Christopher OK?”

“Si, he’s fine,” Pepa sounded amused, and Eddie was able to breathe for what felt like the first time since the phonecall. “It’s your abuela. She broke her hip.”

“Daddy!” Christopher cried excitedly, hurrying over and letting Eddie scoop him into his arms and kiss his head. It was a rare occurrence nowadays, as Christopher liked to be independent where possible, but Eddie had to hold him close and bury his nose in his hair and reassure himself his child was safe. Christopher, however, didn’t sit in his arms for long. “And Buck!”

“Who’s this?” Pepa asked, sounding amused.

“It’s Buck!” Christopher was delighted, and Eddie couldn’t help an amused laugh. He knew he should be insulted by the way he was competing for his son’s love, but he could never feel anything but fond. Buck had come round several times a week since the earthquake, and he and Christopher were firm friends, already talking about going on a day trip together.

“We work together,” Eddie told her in a daze, and was too overwhelmed by everything to hear her sarcastic response.

“Eddie.” Pepa’s voice grew serious and that made him sit up and pay attention. “You can’t keep leaving him with her. He was the one to call 911.”

“You were?” Eddie asked the child in his arms, his heart wrenching painfully, but Christopher just nodded earnestly, his eyes wide behind his glasses. “Oh Chris, that must have been so scary for you.”

“Nope!” Christopher beamed at him. “I did it just like you taught me.” And all Eddie could do was smother him in prideful kisses.

“Eddie, I’m serious.” Eddie knew better than to get on the wrong side of Pepa and sighed.

“Si, Tia. I’ll figure something out.”

~

Eddie hadn’t realised Buck had been listening until he was invited to his place on a rare day off. He was terrified Buck was trying to set him up on a date, but instead he introduced Eddie to Carla, and Eddie’s entire world changed.

At first, Eddie was reluctant to leave Christopher with anyone who wasn’t family. Christopher had no such qualms – he and Carla had hit it off right away, but who didn’t love sunshine personified? – but Buck had had to drag Eddie into the garden with a beer for an hour to give the pair time to adjust to being just the two of them. Christopher had bonded with his new carer and Eddie was marginally more relaxed about leaving them alone.

The next time they met up, Carla took Christopher to the park. Before they left, Eddie gave Carla a thorough brief of Christopher’s needs, including: how easily he got tired; the need to reapply sunscreen every hour, but only the brand Eddie had packed in Christopher’s rucksack because he had sensitive skin; the fact he had packed Christopher a lunch but also money from an ice-cream; Eddie, Abuela, Pepa, Buck, and even Bobby’s numbers in case of emergencies, and Christopher’s propensity to lose his sunhat at any given opportunity.

Christopher had groaned in embarrassment, but Carla had smiled politely and insisted she had everything under control. Buck had come round that afternoon, too, and begged Eddie to help him look through housing listings with him. Eddie had seen what he was trying to do, and appreciated the effort, but had struggled to focus on anything other than his phone until his child returned home.

The first time Carla watched Christopher whilst Eddie was at work, Eddie was a wreck. He forgot to close hatches on the fire engine. He didn’t fully shut off the fire hydrant when they detached the hose, resulting in Chimney needing to change into dry clothes once they got back to the station. He cleaned the windows of the locker room with Clorox spray instead of Windex. He forgot to use the strainer when emptying the water from the pasta for lunch, resulting in the entire contents of the pan ending up in the sink. He knew no news from Carla was good news, but willed his phone to ring, just once. When he did get updates he would leap a foot in the air and scramble to check his messages. Invariably they were single line texts or photos of Christopher with a large smile, and Eddie could relax until the next message.

~

In retrospect, Eddie should have realized he’d been dosed.

The air in the cab of the fire engine had felt wrong. His and Buck’s eyes were streaming, but Eddie had never experienced allergies before. There was a feeling of bliss in Eddie’s veins he wasn’t sure he had felt since childhood. There was childlike wonder in his heart and everything felt so good.

Until it didn’t.

Eddie hadn’t realised how quickly a trip could turn bad until he was crying over being arrested.

“I don’t like this.” He sobbed, allowing himself to have his hands cuffed behind his back. “I don’t like this. What’s going to happen to Christopher?”

“Christopher will be fine,” Athena sounded like she was fighting to keep her patience, which didn’t reassure Eddie in the slightest.

“I can’t look after Chris if I’m in jail!” He wailed, and Buck gasped in horror.

“Who’s gonna look after Chris?!”

“Nobody’s going to jail,” Chimney groaned. “We’re just trying to – Hen, stop that and let the man do his job – we’re just trying to keep you from hurting yourself while we figure out what’s going on.”

“I want Chris.” Eddie couldn’t fight the sob bursting out of his chest. “Dónde está Chris? Dónde está mi abuela? No me gusta. No me gusta. Que paso? Que paso?” As he was escorted out the building, being reassured he was being taken to his abuela, he felt calmer, until he saw the police car he was being taken to and started writhing again. “No, no, you can’t arrest me! They’ll- they’ll take Chris!”

“You’re not being arrested,” Chimney sighed, manhandling him into the back of the car and strapping the seatbelt over him like he was a toddler. “You’re going to the hospital.” Buck happily slid into the car next to him, his eyes wide in wonder.

“This is so cool!” He announced. “I’ve never been in a police car before.”

“I’m sure that’s not true, Buckaroo,” Chimney chuckled, strapping him in too. Eddie gave another sob.

“It’s not cool!” He wept, his face wet with tears he couldn’t wipe away. “I need to get to Chris!”

“It’s OK, Eddie,” Buck shuffled closer to him and reached for Eddie’s hand which he held tight, despite the awkward angle with them both still being cuffed. He pressed his face into Eddie’s hair and Eddie felt a little calmer again. “We’re a team. We can break out and go rescue him.”

~

Shannon coming back was a surprise. Sleeping with Shannon was a surprise. The fact he kept sleeping with Shannon was a surprise. Eddie didn’t know if it was right or not. He didn’t know what to say, so he said nothing. Nothing to Carla. Nothing to Bobby. Definitely nothing to Christopher. But there was one person he didn’t keep anything from.

It was Christmas, and Eddie had promised to take Christopher to see Santa. Christopher was refusing to tell him what he wanted for Christmas, so Eddie had hoped to eavesdrop on the child’s conversation with The Big Man Himself.

Buck picked them up after lunch. He and Eddie had chosen jeans, shirts and light jackets for the bleak California winter, but Christopher had decided that, if he was going to do Christmas, he was going to do it properly. He had insisted on his thickest hoodie, a thick coat, mittens, a scarf and a beanie with a pompom the size of Eddie’s fist. He was so warm from waiting to be collected that Buck had turned on the a/c in the car, but Christopher hadn’t cared.

“Dad, look!” Christopher cried, pointing with his whole hand at an enclosure barricaded off with fences. “There’s real reindeer!”

“Do you reckon they really fly?” Buck grinned and Christopher glared at him.

“I’m seven, Buck. I know it’s just a story.”

“What’s just a story?” Eddie asked, his heart clenching painfully to hear his baby growing up, and Christopher sighed like an exasperated teenager.

“Santa.” He said it like it was obvious, and Eddie gave the biggest fake gasp he could muster.

“What?! Does that mean I have to be the one to get you presents this year?!” He grinned as he saw Buck turn away to muffle a laugh and Christopher huffed again.

“If you don’t, Abuela will,” He told him cooly, and Eddie couldn’t deny that – his abuela spoiled them both at the best of times. “Can we go see the reindeer now?”

“Lead the way,” Buck bowed and extended an arm, like a butler talking to his master, and finally Christopher let out a giggle as he headed towards the enclosure. “Did you know the clicky-clacky noise reindeers make when they walk isn’t like when our joints pop, but it’s actually the tendons in their legs?”

“Ew, gross!” Christopher giggled, wrinkling his nose delightedly.

“And male reindeer shed their antlers in time for winter,” Buck grinned. “But females don’t. So any you see at Christmas with antlers are women. Including those pulling Santa’s sleigh.”

“Can I get a bag of feed?” Christopher begged, pointing to the bored-looking attendant selling little white paper bags of barley and grains. Buck pulled out his wallet and handed Christopher to $2 needed so he could buy it himself and Eddie sighed, knowing his friend had already paid the extortionate entrance fee for the three of them.

“You don’t need to do that, you know,” He told him, as lightly as possible, watching Christopher pouring some of the feed into his gloved hand and hold it out for the reindeer to take. He had his phone out, taking pictures, but saw Buck lower his, looking apprehensive.

“I’m sorry, man,” He mumbled. “I didn’t mean to overstep.”

“Oh, god, no!” Eddie cried earnestly. “I didn’t mean that at all! I just mean you don’t have to do it. If you don’t want to. I mean, he’s not your kid, so don’t feel you have an obligation or anything.”

“I know,” Buck gave a shy smile. “I don’t. I just like it. He’s a good kid.”

“Yeah he is.”

~

Christopher chose a brooch for Abuela at the craft fair, Eddie bought them all hot dogs and apple cider for dinner, and they had hot chocolates and toasted marshmallows for dessert. When the time came for Christopher to meet Santa he insisted on going by himself and Eddie didn’t cry over Christopher growing up; he would remove batteries from every clock in the world, smash every watch-face, chain the universe in place to render sundials useless if it kept his baby from growing up.

To distract himself from this, he waved at his child, then blurted out the first thing he thought of.

“I slept with Shannon.”

“What?” Clearly Buck wasn’t expecting that, either.

“After the meeting at the school,” Eddie explained patiently. “And then it kinda… kept happening.”

“Yeah?” Buck looked over at him and took a mouthful of his coffee. “How do you feel about this?”

“Kinda guilty, honestly,” Eddie admitted. “I haven’t told Chris.”

“You haven’t told Chris you’re fucking his-?” Buck teased, but cut himself off as Eddie shoved him, also laughing.

“I haven’t told Chris she’s back in my life.” He sighed, playing with his own coffee mug. “And I don’t know if I’m going to.”

“You don’t?” Buck asked softly, his voice an invitation to keep talking rather than questioning his motives. Eddie shook his head.

“She’s already hurt him by leaving.” He admitted. “And I don’t know I trust her to not do it again.”

~

In the end, it hadn’t been her choice to leave.

Eddie held his wife as she died in his arms.

~

Buck was a godsend throughout the next few weeks. Christopher had been understandably quiet and clingy, insisting on sleeping in Eddie’s bed every night, curling up on the sofa throughout the day with his favourite toy and under his dinosaur blanket, and following Eddie round the house like baby Sophia had done to his mother as a toddler. Eddie wasn’t complaining – he would sit with his child in his arms forever if he could – but he had things he needed to organise.

Death meant appointments. Registering the death. Collecting the death certificate. Meeting with funeral directors and priests and other people Eddie wanted to spare his kid from for at least a few more years.

Eddie had compassionate leave from work, and Christopher was off school. Buck dropped round whenever he could, so Eddie could shower, go to his appointments, or get some sleep without worrying about a clingy seven-year-old. Buck would watch films with Christopher, letting him snuggle into his side like Chris did to Eddie. He made cakes and cookies and brownies with him to drag him out of his own head, and even managed to coax him into eating.

Once, Eddie even returned home from a meeting with a lawyer to find Buck helping Christopher complete some of the work his school had sent home for him. Buck came to the funeral. Buck held Christopher in his arms when he needed it. Buck distracted Christopher when Eddie’s parents were starting on him. Eddie didn’t know what he’d do without him.

~

When the truck exploded and Buck was trapped, Eddie should have been scared. He should have thought about the kid in the suicide vest trying to kill them all. He should have thought about the pain he was in from being so close to an explosion. He should have thought about his time in the army. He should have thought about how he’d just lost his wife.

All Eddie could think about was Buck.

Buck was scared. Buck was in pain. Buck had the potential to lose his leg. Buck had the potential to die. And Eddie was terrified for him.

As soon as the kid was apprehended, Eddie ran to his best friend and threw himself on the floor by his head. Hen and Chim were in full paramedic mode, assessing Buck’s injuries, but every twitch or prod or poke made him scream in agony, and there was nothing Eddie could do.

The best he could manage was clasping Buck’s hand in his, and stroking his fingers through Buck’s hair with his spare hand.

“I’ve got you, I’ve got you.” He could help his voice trembling as Buck arched his back in pain, or yelled with all the air in his lungs. “You’re going to get through this, Buck. I’m here. I’ve got you.”

~

It was Eddie’s turn to be there for Buck. He brought him basic dinners, he helped him up tape bin liners around his leg to keep his cast dry in the shower. He answered the phone at any time of the day or night when Buck was having flashbacks and panic attacks. He sorted Buck’s medication into daily dossette boxes to keep him from getting muddled.

Most importantly, he gave him Christopher.

Buck liked to move and be active. He could still use his weights to keep up the strength in his arms, but he could no longer go on a run, do his squats, or any other exercises which required the use of his legs. All Buck could do was sit on the sofa, and when he did, he got bored quick. And when he got bored, he got whiney.

There was only one thing to be done.

When Christopher sat on the sofa with Buck, suddenly he could be there forever. Christopher would read Buck his books from school, or put on a film for them, or set up video games. Christopher would snuggle in, or stretch out on the sofa with his legs over Buck’s, or hang upside down with his feet against the wall and his hair brushing the floor. When Christopher was there, Buck didn’t notice the time passing.

~

Watching Buck cough up blood was one of the most terrifying things Eddie had ever seen. Blood dripped from his mouth before he collapsed into Bobby’s arms. Eddie could do nothing to help him.

Buck was suffering from blood clots. Eddie could do nothing to help him.

Buck was put on blood thinners, so couldn’t come back to the 118. Eddie could do nothing to help him.

Buck was depressed and refusing to get out of bed. Eddie could do nothing to help him.

Well, maybe there was something.

~

Eddie left Christopher with Buck while he went to work, content in the knowledge they would look after each other and cheer each other up.

As the tsunami warning hit, Eddie was grateful Buck and Christopher were safe in Buck’s apartment, away from the damage. It made it easier to concentrate, knowing he didn’t have to worry about his best friend or his son. They would be eating too much sugar, then probably having a nap to sleep off the crash. Video games or a movie afternoon, then junk food for dinner. Buck would have got the tsunami warning and known Eddie would be late picking up Christopher.

Eddie escorted Bosko to the VA hospital and saved the life of a child who looked too much like his own son. He was a similar size, he had the same curls. But Eddie was objective and Eddie was professional, until he rounded a corner and almost bumped into:

“Buck?”

Chapter Text

Feelings

Christopher had gone. Christopher had been caught in the tsunami. Christopher wasn’t with Buck.

Eddie wasn’t entirely sure what Buck was saying; there was no noise, just a ringing in his ears. There was no colour to the world, everything a dull grey fuzz. Eddie was no longer exhausted, just numb. His heart wasn’t beating, his lungs weren’t taking in air. He was unable to form thoughts; just one word reverberating around his head.

Christopher

Christopher

Christopher

Christopher

Eddie’s eyes homed in on a woman awkwardly carrying a child with curly hair and a red coat and he just knew.

“Christopher.” Ignoring Buck, he ran over, only able to see one thing. “Christopher! Christopher!”

“Dad!”

“Oh, Christopher!” Eddie skidded to a halt and hauled his child from the woman and into his arms. He pulled Christopher against his chest for a tight hug, then pulled back to press kiss after kiss into his hair. “Oh, Chris, I’ve got you. You’re OK, I’ve got you.” He smoothed Christopher’s hair out his face to peer into his eyes, unable to stop babbling aimlessly. “You’re OK, you’re safe. Oh Chris, it’s OK now.” He ran his hands over Christopher’s arms, then ribs, probing cautiously to ensure he wasn’t hurt. “I’ve got you. I’ve got you.” He wrapped his arms back around his son and buried his face in his hair, trying to swallow the lump in his throat and blink away the tears pricking his eyes.

“You’re Buck!” The woman who had brought him Christopher gasped, and he shook his head, Christopher’s head still tucked firmly under his chin.

“No, I’m his father, Eddie.” He tightened his arms around his child, as if loosening his grip would let him float away again.

“He was looking for Buck.” The woman explained, and Eddie felt Christopher move, so pulled back again to look at him. Christopher’s face was grimy, his hair was filthy, his body sagging with exhaustion, but his eyes were bright and alert.

“Buck saved me, Dad.” Tears filled them, and Eddie’s heart clenched painfully. “He saved me, but I lost him! Dad, I lost him!” He whimpered and pressed his face into Eddie’s front again, and Eddie ran his fingers soothingly through his hair.

“He’s here, Chris,” He promised, pressing kiss after kiss into his curls. “Let me get you checked out and I’ll take you to him.” He stood and lifted Christopher into his arms, and the child leaned against him, arms around his neck in a way he hadn’t done for a while now. Eddie wasn’t sure if it was for comfort or due to exhaustion, but decided not to question it as he pressed another kiss into Christopher’s hair. Christopher leaned his head against Eddie’s shoulder.

“Can we see him first? Please, Dad?” He begged, then sat up to look up at Eddie with those big blue eyes. “Please? He saved me, Dad. We were on the pier, and the water was gone, and he kept me safe and he got me on the firetruck, and we played I-Spy.” As they approached the small pocket of commotion the 118 was addressing, Eddie saw Buck on the rough floor, knees to his chin, taking small sips of water and nibbling on a cereal bar as Hen took his blood pressure and Chimney patched up the wounds on his face. Bobby was sitting beside him, fussing in a way he reserved solely for Buck.

“Chris!” Buck tried to get up, but Hen pushed him back down by the shoulder without looking.

“Oh no you don’t,” She told him firmly. “Sit. Eat. Let us fix you up.”

“Buck!” The minute Eddie set Christopher on his feet he was running to Buck to throw his arms around him, collapse into his lap, and press his grubby face into Buck’s filthy shoulder. Buck held him so tight Eddie was surprised the child didn’t pop like a balloon.

“Chris, I’m so sorry,” Buck was crying, and Christopher was crying in return. “I’m so sorry. You’re OK. I’ve got you.”

“You’ve got me, Buck,” Christopher sobbed, and Eddie’s heart squeezed painfully again. “I kept swimming, I swear, Buck. I kept swimming.”

“Me too, Buddy,” Buck sniffled. “I never stopped looking for you.” He shifted Christopher in his lap so he could feed him some of the cereal bar – which Christopher ate out his hand – and carefully feed him water from his bottle. “But you’re here now.” He buried his face in Christopher hair and mumbled against his scalp. “You’re gonna be OK, kid.”

~

It was a long time past Christopher’s bedtime, but trying to separate him from Buck had resulted in a meltdown so intense Eddie had thought he would throw up from the intensity of his screaming. He had gripped Buck’s t-shirt so tight his knuckles had turned white and cried so hard his whole body shook. When Eddie tried to lift him in his arms, he thrashed so hard he was in danger of hurting himself and others.

So Eddie and Christopher stayed with Buck whilst the hospital pumped him full of fluids. Christopher was so exhausted he crashed out straight away, slumped against Buck’s chest. Buck looked like he was going the same way, sitting on the side of his cot, his arms around the boy, but he just looked at Eddie with big, mournful eyes.

“I had him, Eddie,” His voice was barely more than a whisper, and Eddie had to lean close to hear it over the hustle and bustle of the makeshift hospital. “I swear, I just glanced away and he fell in. I went straight in after, but I was too late-” His voice cracked.

“Buck, he’s OK,” Eddie soothed. He rubbed his hand up Christopher’s back, but made no attempt to take the child – he’d thought his world had ended for perhaps a minute. Buck had been living in that world for hours. “The first thing he did was ask for you.”

“For me?” Buck croaked. “He must have been so scared, but he asked for me?”

“He wouldn’t let me get him checked out until we found you,” Eddie nodded, and Buck’s lip trembled. “Even when I told him you were safe. He had to see you.”

“He should hate me.” Tears cut through the grime on Buck’s cheeks and he buried his face in Christopher’s salt-crusted hair. “I never gave up looking for him, I swear. I’m so sorry.” He hugged Christopher tight to his chest. “I’m so sorry, Buddy.”

“He could never hate you,” Eddie assured him. “Look at him.” He nodded at the child pressed against Buck’s front, still clinging tightly, even in his sleep.

An hour later, Christopher woke up screaming for Buck. It had been the first time he had shouted for anyone other than Eddie after a nightmare since Shannon had left. Eddie didn’t know how to describe the feeling welling in his chest as he watched Buck gently soothe the child, but despite the circumstances, he couldn’t help a fond smile. They were so sweet together, and Buck was just so good with Christopher, who would always make him smile, no matter what.

After everything that had happened, and the resulting panic attacks, nightmares and tantrums Christopher had gone through over the next few days, Eddie should’ve been hesitant leaving his child with anyone else. But this was Buck.

Of course Eddie trusted him.

~

Eddie’s only other best friend had been Shannon, and that had fractured and broken very quickly. Buck’s stupid lawsuit meant they were all unable to talk to him anymore, and Eddie felt his loss painfully.

Christopher was having nightmares. Eddie needed the support of his best friend.

Eddie lost his temper and punched an entitled asshole over a parking space. Eddie’s best friend couldn’t bail him out of jail.

Eddie yelled at Buck in a supermarket, and it felt good to let Buck know how much he missed him.

Eddie joined an illegal fighting ring, and there was a hole in his life where they should have been someone telling him it was a stupid thing.

Buck dropped the lawsuit and Eddie got his best friend back. Eddie could breathe again.

~

Eddie had a smart, funny, capable son, and he knew that it was in no small part due to his best friend’s influence. Eddie could rely on Buck to be there to support Christopher when Eddie wasn’t, and to enhance whatever parenting Eddie was able to do whilst flying by the seat of his pants. Christopher was comfortable enough to ask to spend time with Buck when Eddie was busy. Eddie was comfortable enough with Buck’s influence that he could ask for Buck’s advice without feeling ashamed of himself or like he was less of a parent. Because they were best friends.

It had been Buck’s idea to build the accessible skateboard, and when he had shown Eddie the designs, Eddie had gone home that night and cried into his pillow. His chest felt full; he had never felt so much support, so much like he had a partner. So safe, so self-assured. He finally felt he had made the right decision moving Christopher halfway across the country like he had done. Buck and the 118 had been the best decision he could have made. Buck was the best friend he’d ever had. Buck enhanced Eddie’s parenting in a way so contradictory to his own parents’ diminishing views of him. Buck made Eddie a better person and Eddie wished he’d known him longer. Eddie’s world felt brighter for having his best friend in it.

The day they debuted the skateboard, Eddie cried happy tears. He tried to wipe them away before anyone could see, but caught Buck’s eye and saw him doing the same.

“Thank you.” He mouthed across the playground, an overwhelming feeling of light, affection, joy, and something he couldn’t name warming the pit of his stomach. Buck gave him a wet smile in return.

“Anything for him.” He mouthed back, and the warmth in Eddie’s stomach flowed through his veins. He was so lucky to have a best friend like Buck.

~

A child fell down a well, and all Eddie could think of was Christopher.

Eddie went down the well, and all he could think of was Christopher.

The well fell down on top of Eddie, and all he could think of was Christopher.

Christopher: Eddie’s baby.

Christopher: Eddie’s world.

Eddie and Christopher against his parents. Eddie and Christopher against the universe.

Eddie had never felt like he was a good father, until he met the 118. Eddie had never felt like a good father until Buck had brought along Carla. There was nothing Buck wouldn’t do for Eddie and Christopher, and the knowledge of that made Eddie feel so light and at peace he felt he could float on air. Eddie wasn’t sure he’d ever felt freedom like this before.

Spending the night in hospital to prevent pneumonia and hypothermia gave Eddie time to think. Once he’d been allowed out of bed to shower off the mud and stale water, he sat on the edge of the bed to facetime his son, knowing he wouldn’t be discharged with enough time to see him before he went to school.

“Hey Dad!” Chris beamed at him over his bowl of cereal, and Eddie wished he could reach through his phone to hold his son. His eyes were still half-lidded from sleep, his hair still mussed from his pillow, and his collar on his uniform shirt needing tweaking so it sat flat. He was perfect. “Are you still at work?”

“No, bud,” Eddie’s heart clenched at the disappointment in Christopher’s voice. He would never have done anything different, but he wished it hadn’t meant he would miss the morning with his kid. “I just had a quick thing I had to deal with; I’m gonna be home late. I just wanted to say, uh-” How to phrase this? “We love Buck, right?”

“Right?” Christopher narrowed his eyes suspiciously. Curse his clever, perceptive, empathetic son for being so smart.

“And you like when he watches you?” Eddie probed, thinking on his feet. Christopher’s face lit up, all thoughts of Eddie being late instantly forgotten, the traitor.

“Am I staying at Buck’s tonight?!” he begged, and Eddie laughed.

“No, nothing like that,” He ignored Christopher’s resulting pout. “I’m just, uh, planning.”

“Planning what?” Eddie loved his son’s curiosity, he reminded himself. Really loved it, even when it meant he asked awkward questions.

“Have you done hypothetical questions at school?” He tried, and mentally cursed and Christopher shook his head. “I’m just thinking what if?”

“Did something happen?” Christopher asked softly and Eddie’s heart broke a little.

“No, I swear, buddy. Everything’s OK, I promise.” He fought a wince as that didn’t assure him in the slightest. “I’m just thinking, if there’s a time I’m busy, and Carla’s out of town, who could help out? That’s all.” Christopher eyed him suspiciously, but went back this cereal. “How about, when I collect you from school, we go for ice-cream?” he tried, as a last-ditch attempt to distract him. Christopher’s eyes lit up.

“Yeah! Can I get candy floss flavour? Can Buck come?!”

~

Whatever Eddie expected to happen in his lifetime, a global pandemic wasn’t on his list. It was one of the worst things Eddie had experienced, with infection control protocols more strict than he had ever seen, more dead bodies than they usually dealt with in a year, and only being able to see his son down the camera of a smartphone.

The only guiding light was Buck. He had let Eddie, Hen and Chimney into his home and wanted nothing in return. There was only enough space downstairs for one airbed, so Hen took that, Chimney took the sofa, and Eddie shared with Buck.

It wasn’t that he had volunteered for sharing, but Hen and Chim had flat-out refused. Eddie had found he wasn’t against the idea, and his first night in his best friend’s bed cemented that fact. He had woken up with Buck pressed against him, how own arms hugging his friend tight. When it kept happening, Eddie told himself it was because he hadn’t seen Christopher for a while.

Sometimes, Buck would join in with Eddie and Christopher’s facetime videos. This made something inside Eddie feel warm and safe, like something had been missing. Christ, he really needed to find someone.

~

Buck and Eddie were restocking the ambulance together, and Buck was having fun. It should have given Eddie flashbacks to his army days, but he couldn’t help but laugh. Everyone had groaned when Bobby had announced it was Buck’s turn to do stock-check, and fallen over themselves to refuse to help with the task.

“Not it.”

“Not it.”

“Absolutely not it.”

“Looks like it’s you and me, Diaz,” Buck looked smug, and Eddie had grinned back at his friend, pleased to see him in such a good mood after everything that had happened recently with his parents. Eddie had put as much time, effort, and Christopher in as possible to make sure Buck knew he was loved and valued as much as he deserved, rather than whatever his parents had made him believe.

“Sir, yes sir!” Eddie chuckled as sarcastically as possible, although honestly he didn’t have problems with Buck barking orders at him. Buck gave him a dashing cheeky grin in return.

“That’s the spirit!”

Getting to hang out with Buck was always fun, but seeing him this happy, even though he was being a bit of a brat, made Eddie feel warm and entertained all over.

“Sorry, what was that?” Buck had demanded to know, when Eddie had responded incorrectly to his checklist, and Eddie had had to stifle a joyful giggle as his heart pounded with giddy amusement.

“Check.” He made a point of rolling his eyes, although he felt more fond than annoyed, and Buck’s smirk made him laugh.

“Better.”

~

Reconnecting with Ana was exactly what Eddie needed. He’d been single for far too long, Christopher needed a mother, and Eddie’s parents were starting to ask questions. Ana was perfect. She was beautiful – anyone could see that. She was Latina. She was clever. Christopher, once over the initial shock of his father dating, adored her, and she was fantastic with him.

They’d just had a family dinner, and it had been possibly the best date Eddie had been on. Christopher had been on top form; he’d been clever and funny and charming as always, and insisted on helping Eddie cook. He explained to Ana all about the different spaceships in Star Wars, and Ana had smiled politely and listened to every word.

Ana had kissed Eddie that night. Her lips were soft and her hair smelled of strawberries. Eddie brought a hand up to brush her hair behind her ear before cupping her cheek and kissing her again. He couldn’t help a smile as she went to deepen it; this was perfect. Ana was perfect, and Eddie knew how to make her feel good.

Buck would be dropping round in the morning, and Ana would love the way he and Christopher lit up when they had their chats together. Christopher was never more confident than when he was with Buck, and when Buck was around Chris, he lit up and fizzed with excitable energy, like a handheld sparkler on the fourth of July.

“What are you thinking about?” Ana asked gently when she pulled apart, and ran her fingers lovingly through his hair. Eddie blushed, knowing he couldn’t admit to being distracted by his plans for tomorrow; so much for living in the moment.

“Buck,” He blurted out, then flushed red as he realised how it sounded. Ana looked like she didn’t know if she should be affronted or amused, but Eddie was too busy trying to dig his foot out of his mouth. “I- I mean Buck’s coming round tomorrow to see Christopher, and maybe if you stay the night, and- and we could get him to take Chris out and have some time to ourselves? Go somewhere or-” He trailed off, his brain unable to think of a single date idea. He was a firefighter, damnit, and he was Eddie Diaz. He did not panic.

“Stay the night?” Ana’s voice was flirty, and Eddie should have found that more relaxing than he did. “Mr Diaz, I thought you were a gentleman.” Definitely flirting. Eddie could flirt back.

“I can be if you want me to,” he smirked. “But I don’t have to be.” Ana giggled at that and stood from the sofa, holding her hand out to him.

“Maybe you can show me how ungentlemanly you can be.”

~

Ana had been the first person Eddie had slept with since Shannon died.

He’d had fun; it had been nice, and Ana had enjoyed herself. Eddie’s mind had drifted as usual – would Buck be there in time for breakfast in the morning? Would he cook for them? God, Eddie would kill for one of Buck’s omelettes, and he’d make him coffee in return, and they’d both smile and feel happy about treating the other – but it had felt good, and Ana had kissed him afterwards before falling asleep in his arms.

In an attempt not to wonder why Ana’s weight against his chest felt both too oppressive and not enough, Eddie let his thoughts drift as he trailed his fingers over her bare shoulders. He’d take her to Echo Park and they could walk around the lake. He’d hold her hand and maybe he could persuade Buck to make them something special for a picnic. He’d wear his favourite cargo pants and that shirt he’d bought when out with Buck. It wasn’t really his thing, but Buck had said he’d looked good in it, and so few people complimented him on his appearance these days that he’d blushed. Although Buck thought he looked good in anything he wore. He was lucky to have such a supportive friend.

~

Maybe he wasn’t as supportive as he could have been. The whole city had split itself into teams to find this stupid treasure, and Buck had chosen to partner with Taylor Fucking Kelly. Hurt boiled in Eddie’s gut, along with a possessiveness he didn’t recognise in himself. He was Buck’s best friend. He had Buck’s back, no matter what.

Best friends didn’t ditch each other like that, just because they found a pretty girl instead.

Honestly, Eddie didn’t feel like he was usually this petty. Jealousy wasn’t something that came naturally to him, but he made a suggestion, and had been shut down instantly. That wasn’t Buck. Buck loved Eddie’s ideas and always listened with his full attention.

Just once, Eddie would like Buck to listen to his ideas. To tell him he was smart or he was on to something.

Of course Buck had spotted something was amiss. Eddie had been surly all evening – well, he’d decided not to bother chiming in with ideas that would be dismissed without consideration, but he could see how it would come across as surly – but Buck had waited until they were alone to ask about it. Taylor had left early – probably to sell their ideas to the highest bidder and take the credit for herself – and Eddie had almost expected Buck to leave with her. Instead, he took a mouthful of beer before turning to his friend and asking:

“OK, what’s going on with you?”

“What do you mean?” Eddie aimed for oblivious, but knew he missed by a mile.

“You’ve been weird all night,” Buck frowned, and Eddie took a mouthful of his own drink to avoid having to answer. “No, this whole time we’ve been working on this. Is it Taylor?”

“No.” Yes.

“Because, Eddie,” Buck sighed, clearly frustrated. “You knew she was involved when you asked to be a part of this. You’re the one who wanted in on it.”

“And I do!” Eddie protested.

“So is it me?” Buck asked, and all Eddie could focus on was the pout in his voice and the hurt in his eyes. It churned his stomach.

“No!” Of course not. Buck could never hurt Eddie.

“Then what is it?!” Buck cried, and Eddie thought he was going to leave. And if he wasn’t going to leave now, he’d leave if Eddie told him the truth. So he had to find a lie. He couldn’t find one. “Well?”

“I worked really hard on my ideas.” The words tumbled out his mouth before he could stop them, and Buck froze, listening. Really listening. Eddie couldn’t look at him, concentrating on fiddling with the label on his empty beer bottle as it peeled off with condensation. “But you and Taylor were all ‘yeah, no’, and ‘we’ve already tried that’.” He heard Buck move – presumably to the door, to leave him for being so dramatic, but then he heard the fridge door open and the top of two beer bottles being screwed off. He looked up to see Buck’s big blue eyes soft, his huge frame leaning against the counter, his muscular shoulder nudging Eddie’s to draw his attention.

“Go on.” He gave Eddie a gentle smile that made him feel seen and he couldn’t help feeling pleased with himself. Buck wanted to hear his ideas. Take that, Taylor Kelly. “Tell me what you’ve got.” And Eddie’s heart sang.

~

The morning started as normal. Eddie bribed Christopher out of bed with whatever highly sugared cereal he’d snuck in with Eddie’s groceries last time they had gone food shopping. Before he left for work he gave Ana a perfunctory peck on the cheek, before wrapping Christopher in a bear hug, tickling his stomach, smothering him in kisses, and making him promise to be good at school and for Carla. He headed out the door with a promise to bring takeout for “family date night” home with him that evening, and headed to the station.

Eddie took a minute to congratulate himself for helping Charlie, his heart racing with adrenaline. Buck suggested he ride in the ambulance, and even after everything, Eddie took a moment to allow himself to recognise how nice it felt that Buck knew him so well.

Then pain exploded in his shoulder.

It was a specific pain; one he’d only felt once before.

In Afghanistan.

Oh.

He must have blacked out, because the next thing Eddie knew, he was in the back of a firetruck, Buck leaning over him. All Eddie could see was the blood covering his best friend’s face and reached out to him.

“Buck-” He managed, although it came out no louder than a whisper.

“Eddie. Eddie, it’s OK,” Buck’s voice was trembling and he was reaching for Eddie’s shirt, and it didn’t matter because Buck was covered in blood.

“Are you hurt?” Eddie croaked, brushing his fingers against Buck’s red cheek. The blood smeared under his touch, but there was something else underneath, a heat where their skin met and it sent a wave of reassurance down Eddie’s aching arm.

“What? No.” Buck paused to glance down at himself, and Eddie didn’t understand why Buck didn’t see what he did. “I’m fine.”

“You’re-”

“It’s not mine,” Buck assured him, and Eddie couldn’t work out why there might be tears in his eyes if he wasn’t in pain. He opened his mouth to ask, but Buck pressed down on the injury and white hot pain shot through him, making him yell out and arch his back. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. You’re OK, you’re OK.” Buck gabbled as he worked, and Eddie couldn’t do anything but moan and writhe in agony.

“Buck-” He whimpered, needing to say something, say anything. He licked his dry lips and tried again. “Buck-”

“We’re nearly there,” Buck was scrambling to keep pressure on the bandage on Eddie’s shoulder, and Eddie reached out again, wanting to touch his face, his shoulder, his hair, anywhere he could reach, to ground himself as he felt himself slipping back into unconsciousness. “Just hold on, Eddie. Eddie, hold on.”

“Buck-” Eddie wasn’t sure what he was trying to say, but everything was too much and the darkness pulled back at him.

“Eddie!” Buck sobbed as Eddie’s eyes slipped back closed. “Eddie! Eddie! Eddie!”

~

A shop assistant implied Ana was Christopher’s mother and Eddie had a panic attack so severe he ended up in hospital.

Hen implied that Buck was Eddie’s co-parent and all Eddie felt was frustration that Buck didn’t seem to get where she was coming from.

Breaking up with Ana felt it should have hurt more

~

A panic attack from Christopher cemented the realisation. Eddie couldn’t put himself in the line of fire anymore. Christopher had lost his mother. Christopher still had nightmares about his father being shot. Christopher didn’t know if Eddie would come home at the end of a shift.

Eddie had to leave the 118.

The conversation with Bobby about it hurt Eddie more than he knew. Telling Hen and Chim he was transferring felt like Eddie was admitting his own death sentence.

There was no way in Hell that Eddie could tell Buck.

Every time Eddie tried to tell Buck, all he could see was the hurt in his face. Every time he thought about texting Buck to tell him, he thought about how everyone in Buck’s life had left him, so he chickened out. Every time it came up in conversation, Eddie took a deep breath, steeled his resolve, and pathetically changed the subject. Eddie couldn’t hurt Buck like this.

Being away from the 118 hurt; there was a dull ache as Eddie worked within dispatch, and nothing would soothe it. Befriending Linda and May in the breakroom was lovely, but the pit of Eddie’s stomach still churned when he thought about family dinners at the firehouse. Meeting Hen and Karen for a glass of wine was a distraction, but all Eddie could think about was going out for team drinks after a long shift. Hearing the team over the radio should have soothed the ache in his chest, but only made it worse.

The only thing that helped was meeting up with Buck. Sometimes he and Christopher would go to Buck’s place for dinner, sometimes Buck would come to theirs for a movie night. When they had weekends off together – when Buck had the weekend off, Eddie had to correct himself; he still wasn’t used to a Monday-Friday, 9-5 job – they would go out together as a group, to the park, the zoo, the library, and Eddie felt lighter than he had in months.

Meeting with Frank was supposed to help. A safe job within the LAFD was supposed to help. Being a good man and a good father was supposed to help. But every single one of Eddie’s army crew was dead. He’d saved their lives in Afghanistan, and it hadn’t been enough.

Eddie had just enough wherewithal to lock his bedroom door before picking up the baseball bat.

The next thing Eddie knew, he was sitting on the floor of his bedroom, there were holes in his walls, and Buck was sitting over him as his chest heaved from his sobs. He looked up at Buck with tear-stained cheeks and trembling lips and felt a wave of inexplicable reassurance wash over him.

“Eddie,” Buck reached out and wiped away one of Eddie’s tears and Eddie realised how cold he was, and how warm Buck was. “Are you OK? Are you hurt?” His voice was soft and gentle, and Eddie felt it worm its way inside him. Maybe, if Buck kept talking, Eddie could breathe again.

“They’re all dead,” Eddie managed to choke out, and Buck sat beside him and pulled him to his chest. Buck’s chest was firm and warm, his arms tight and grounding around Eddie’s shoulders like a weighted blanket. Eddie’s heart hurt and his brain throbbed with unspoken self-deprecation, but he could breathe easier and his tears were starting to slow. Eddie found he wasn’t in a place to question it.

~

Bobby was going on a cruise, and was looking for an interim captain to stand in whilst he was gone. Between raising Christopher, keeping on top of his current job, and being the last cousin in California now Pepa’s children had all moved away, making it his responsibility to be there for her, Eddie had no interest in the temporary promotion.

Not everyone on the team could say the same.

“What have they got that I don’t have?” Buck was demanding to know, as he prepared dinner, and Eddie checked over Christopher’s homework.

“Buck!” Christopher was clearly exasperated by Buck’s 10 minute-long rant, although Eddie had found it amusing and, if he was honest, endearing. “You don’t even have a couch!” Eddie couldn’t help a snort of laughter, but Buck frowned at him.

“What’s that got to do with anything?” He sounded indignant, and Eddie couldn’t help a soft grin at his friend. As Christopher started extoling the oddities of not having household furniture, Eddie couldn’t help wondering whether Captain Buckley would be as bad an idea as people automatically thought. Sure, Captain Buckley would be Clipboard Buck on steroids, and whilst Eddie loved him, Hen and Chim ran the risk of beating him to death with his own stationery.

Captain Buckley would be efficient. Captain Buckley would be merciless. Captain Buckley would be hot, and Eddie wasn’t quite sure where that thought had come from. Or if it was OK to be objectifying his best friend. Or what it meant that he’d thought that thought in the first place. To be fair, Captain Buckley would be objectively hot; anyone would think that. Best friend or not.

~

Clearly other people thought Buck was hot as well – no, not as well. Other people thought that Buck was objectively hot, because his ex-roommate came crawling out the woodwork to demand Buck donate his sperm to help his wife get pregnant, and Eddie wasn’t entirely sure why he felt so angry about the idea.

Objectively, it was a thing people did for their friends.

Objectively, Buck would make a fantastic father.

Objectively, Buck would father an amazing child.

Eddie couldn’t help but think that Connor was taking advantage of Buck. Taking advantage of Buck’s good will. Taking advantage of Buck’s clear paternal nature. Taking advantage of the fact Buck would fall over himself to help anyone, without a thought for his own feelings.

In a way, it was frustrating that Buck felt he needed to do this, when he had his own kid at Eddie’s home; Christopher had so many of Buck’s mannerisms, likes and dislikes, and hobbies and interests that Eddie was sure someone could write an academic paper on the influences of nature vs nurture. They were even starting to look related, but that might just be wishful thinking.

Buck wouldn’t even be able to help raise his own child, and that made Eddie even angrier. There was resignation in Buck’s voice, whenever he talked about donor not dad in a way that made Eddie want to serve him Christopher on a silver platter.

Buck clearly thought he’d made the right decision, but Eddie reserved the right to disapprove.

For Buck’s own good, obviously. Because Eddie was a good, supportive friend.

~

It had rained heavily all night, and still the fire was out of control. Eddie found himself going through the same motions as always. Turnouts on. Helmet on. The fire raged. The engine’s outriggers were deployed. The ladder was extended. Eddie checked Buck’s harness as he had a playful argument with Chimney. Eddie sent Buck up the ladder with a jokey comment and a friendly slap on the back.

The fire raged, but Buck was working to quell it. It was starting to come under control as Buck knew just where to aim his hose. Eddie stood at the bottom of the ladder, one of eye on his partner as he fought the fire from there.

The fire raged and a bolt of lightning struck the ladder, throwing Eddie clear. He sat up, aching and dazed.

Eddie’s heart nearly stopped as he stared at the love of his life, hanging limply in mid-air.

Chapter Text

Love

Oh fuck.

Oh fuck.

Oh fuck.

Oh fuck.

Eddie was in love with Buck.

Eddie was in love with Buck and Buck was dead.

Eddie was in love with Buck and Buck was dead and Eddie hadn’t told him.

Eddie was in love with Buck and Buck was dead and Eddie hadn’t realised.

Eddie was familiar with the concept of being too late. Too late, he had seen the rift with Shannon. Too late, he had realised he and his army brethren were sitting ducks in their helicopter. Too late, he had seen his parents’ attempt to take his son from him. Too late to prevent Shannon’s death. Too late to stop Buck from suing the department. Too late to stop himself going down the dark path of underground fighting. Too late reaching out to his army friends.

Eddie had realised too late that he was in love with Buck and there was nothing he could do about it.

Buck had died and Eddie hadn’t been able to help him.

Even now, lying in his hospital bed, so impossibly small and helpless, his heart mercifully beating again, Buck was too vulnerable. Even if he woke up, Eddie couldn’t say anything; couldn’t tell Buck how he felt.

Buck was straight, that was the main issue. Eddie didn’t have a label for his sexuality right now, but Buck was definitely straight. And he was in a coma. Eddie’s heart still ached from having to explain to Christopher that their favourite person in the world may never wake up. From having to hold his son as he cried and cried like he hadn’t since his mother had passed. From having to rock his pre-teen in his lap like a toddler until he’d fallen asleep against his shoulder. From keeping his sobs into Christopher’s hair silent so he didn’t wake the child and start the process all over again.

Eddie didn’t know if Buck was going to wake up, and could hardly face leaving his side. What if something happened? What if he died and Eddie hadn’t been there? What if he woke up and Eddie missed it? What if he was aware he was alone in his room, with no-one holding his hand? What if, lost inside his own head, Buck didn’t know how loved he was?

Eddie wasn’t sure how much he could take seeing the love of his life lying limp and lifeless in his bed, but he knew for sure it hurt more to be apart from him. Eddie had already failed to save him once, there was no way he would do so again.

Buck had been successfully extubated and Eddie could breathe again.

Buck had woken up and Eddie felt like, just maybe, things might be OK again.

Buck had been cleared for visitors, and the Diaz boys had hardly left his side. Christopher would sit on the bed, snuggled into Buck’s side despite his growing age, and Buck would always wrap an arm around Chris’ shoulders to draw him in closer while they chatted or read together or watched something on Christopher’s iPad.

Eddie watched his boys.

And he loved.

~

Eddie had firmly but politely turned down being part of Maddie’s effort to include him in her rotation of Buck’s babysitters. Buck didn’t need babysitting, or hand-holding, or forcing to talk about it. Buck would come to him when he was ready.

In fact, it only took a few days. Eddie had wrestled his child into bed (“It’s late, Chris. No, we’re not calling Buck, Chris. Go to sleep, Chris. We can face-time him in the morning, Chris. It’s past bedtime, Chris, you know the rules.”) and was just finishing up for the night, making Christopher’s lunch, wiping down the kitchen sides, when there was a knock at the door.

In a way, Eddie hadn’t been surprised. He’d known exactly who it would be – no-one else would turn up at this hour, and it was never a surprise when he turned up without warning. What was a surprise, or maybe just a concern, was how pale Buck’s face was, how dark the bags under his eyes were, how wild and untamed his curls were, how scruffy and unshaven his chin was. Eddie had been aware that Buck hadn’t been doing great – they’d texted every day and Buck had alluded to the fact – but he hadn’t realised he was doing so bad.

Eddie opened his mouth, unsure what to say – trying to stop the pet-names bubbling out, or offers of comfort that he knew would be too much – but Buck held up a hand to stop him.

“Please don’t ask me how I am right now.”

“Wasn’t gonna.” Eddie needed to get his fond smile off his face before Buck questioned it. Was it even appropriate to be feeling fond right now? Buck was looking haggard and raw, and all Eddie could do was grin like an idiot. Grin at the idea he knew Buck so well. Grin at the fact Buck had chosen to come to him above everyone else around him. Grin at the fact all of Buck’s hard edges had dropped and Buck was allowing his softness and vulnerability to show. Not many people got to see that; not on a regular basis, and not when Eddie knew Buck would be trying to make sure people thought he was OK. “Beer?”

In fact, Buck wasn’t up for a beer; he was asleep the moment he sat down. Eddie revelled in it. Buck was feeling comfortable and safe; for the first time in days, judging by his appearance. He had sought out Eddie and the moment he had come to Eddie’s house, to Eddie’s home, he had felt secure enough to relax for the first time. He could feel the safety in the walls and the love that Eddie had poured into every part of this home, and had been able to shut off for the first time, possibly since he’d woken from his coma.

It didn’t last long. After a brief powernap, Buck had made his way into the kitchen, already looking more human. They spoke about Buck’s time in his coma, and Buck asked him about being shot. He asked if Eddie remembered anything, and suddenly Eddie felt all those complicated, confusing emotions he hadn’t understood at the time. Fear. Pain. Confusion. Love.

The need to reach out to cup Buck’s cheek hadn’t been concern for his friend; it was to feel his skin under his fingers one last time. The need to say something, say anything, had been desperation to tell his friend he loved him; loved him like he’d never loved a partner before. The way his tongue had licked over his own lips hadn’t been to moisten them but in lieu of pressing them to Buck’s. The way he’d reached out for Buck’s hair hadn’t been to ground himself but to have a physical connection and not let go. The heat on his chest where Buck bandaged him hadn’t been pain; it had been their skin touching, like electricity jumping between them. Buck’s name had been sweet on his lips, felt right, and finally Eddie understood.

So he lied to Buck. He told Buck he didn’t remember much.

Buck couldn’t know.

Eddie managed to get Buck to stay on the sofa that night, but it wasn’t long until he was woken again, this time by a whimper coming from Christopher’s room.

It wasn’t that sound carried well in this house; in fact, a closed door usually blocked out most sound and Christopher always slept with his shut, but Eddie slept with his ajar in case his son needed him. The sound was quiet, so quiet that Eddie thought he had initially imagined it, but then it came again, and Eddie was out the door before he knew what had happened.

Bursting into the bedroom and throwing himself onto his knees by Christopher’s bed woke the pre-teen, who sat bolt upright with a yell, his curls plastered to his forehead with sweat.

“Dad!” Christopher yelled out and Eddie sat up on his knees to cup his cheek and smooth back his hair.

“I’m here, Chris,” He told him gently. “It’s OK.”

“Dad!” Christopher choked out a sob and Eddie moved to sit on the edge of the bed. He took his son in his arms and let him press his wet face into Eddie’s neck, stroking a hand up and down his back. “It- it was Buck. He was- he was in hospital. And I was talking to him and he was- he was dead.” He gave another sob and all Eddie could do was squeeze him tighter and press a kiss atop his head.

“I know, Bud,” He murmured into his hair. “I know. It was just a dream. Buck’s alive, Chris, I’m promise. He’s-”

“I’m right here,” A voice by the doorframe should have made Eddie jump, but he didn’t. Of course Buck had woken. Of course Buck had come to make sure Christopher was alright. Christopher, however, peeked over Eddie’s shoulder, squinting in the gloom and without his glasses.

“Buck!” He gave a renewed sob and Buck made his way to crouch beside the bed. With anyone else, Buck would be looking awkward, trying to make himself smaller so he wasn’t inserting himself into the family. With Eddie and Christopher, Buck didn’t feel the need to do that, and Eddie was secretly, privately, proud.

“I’m here, Chris,” Buck told him gently, and Eddie knew he was no longer needed. He pressed another kiss into Christopher’s hair and moved to let Buck take his seat. He paused in the doorway and looked back to see the two embracing. Christopher’s face was in Buck’s shoulder, his arms around Buck’s neck, and Buck had one hand on Christopher’s back, the other in his hair, holding him close. Christopher was sobbing again, and as much as it made Eddie’s heart hurt to see his child upset like this, he knew it was OK. Buck was murmuring against Christopher’s head – Eddie couldn’t hear what he was saying, and frankly didn’t want to. This moment wasn’t for him – and making soothing noises and Eddie leaned against the doorway to watch.

Even if these impossible, intense feelings Eddie had for Buck didn’t go anywhere, if nothing came of the love he felt, Buck was where he belonged.

They were family.

~

The thing was: Eddie’s feelings weren’t going to go away.

The thing was: Eddie didn’t want his feelings to go away.

Eddie had never felt anything like this before; not with Ana, not even with Shannon. Being in love with Buck felt nice. Being in love with Buck felt like a warm glow behind his sternum. Being in love with Buck felt like butterflies fluttering in his stomach. Being in love with Buck felt like sinking into a warm bath or wrapping himself in the softest blankets or being held in strong arms. Being in love with Buck made Eddie want to burst; to explode like a supernova, his feelings burning hot and white and intense.

But it wasn’t fair on Buck. Buck was straight. Buck didn’t want his queer best friend pining over him.

But Buck returned to work, and Eddie loved him.

But Buck got a girlfriend, and Eddie loved him.

But Buck rescued the team from a collapsed bridge, and Eddie loved him.

But Buck delivered the child he’d fathered, and Eddie loved him.

But Buck broke up with his girlfriend, and Eddie loved him.

But Buck parented Christopher on Eddie’s behalf, and Eddie adored him.

~

Eddie needed more friends.

It wasn’t that he thought time apart from Buck would make his feelings go away, but maybe they would become more manageable.

Buck would text Eddie a fact to start his morning, and Eddie would smile all through breakfast. Buck would smile at Eddie, his whole face lighting up, and Eddie’s heart would flutter hard enough he had to look away. Buck would brush his fingers against Eddie’s when passing him equipment on a call and Eddie would flush deep red. Buck would wander around the locker room in nothing but a towel, water droplets making their way down perfect abs, curls plastered to his head, and Eddie would have to go take his own, very cold, showers to calm down. Buck and Christopher would sit on the sofa together gaming, laughing identical laughs, looking like father and son, and Eddie was ready to propose on the spot.

So yes, Eddie needed more friends.

~

The opportunity presented itself when they stole a helicopter to rescue Bobby and Athena from their sunken cruise ship. Not a sentence Eddie thought he’d find applying to him.

Tommy Kinard, however, was Eddie’s kind of guy. Both ex-army, both fans of muay thai. Buck had spent the boat ride back from the cruise ship fussing over Bobby and Athena, which had given Eddie and Tommy time to talk.

Tommy was friendly. Tommy focused his whole attention on Eddie, sitting quietly unlike Buck who wouldn’t sit still to save his life. Tommy was reserved, letting Eddie speak; he appeared to be a man of few words, unlike Buck who Eddie could listen to for hours. It wasn’t a complaint – about either of them – but Eddie couldn’t help noticing the differences.

Eddie was an affectionate guy, and it escaped no-one’s notice that he would touch Buck’s arm to get his attention, or grab his elbow to stop him wandering if he wasn’t concentrating, or put a hand on his shoulder to ground him. Buck rarely reciprocated, almost like he was scared to initiate a touch without offending the person concerned, but Tommy wasn’t like that. Tommy would touch Eddie’s knee for emphasis to a point, or throw an arm around Eddie’s shoulder when leaning in to talk into his ear, or scruff Eddie’s hair when making teasing comments.

Introducing him to Christopher wasn’t planned. They had got back from muay thai, sparring in Eddie’s gym and then collapsing onto Eddie’s sofa showered, exhausted, and comfortably aching, when Carla brought Christopher home from school.

“Dad!” Christopher flung his coat and rucksack to the floor and hurried over to hug Eddie as usual. Eddie squeezed him tight and kissed his head.

“Hey Chris! Good day?”

“It was OK,” Christopher shrugged, the nonchalant pre-teen that he was. Eddie sniggered.

“Homework?”

“Just an essay for English, and some scatter graphs,” Christopher shrugged. “Can I do it after dinner? Please?”

“I can help, if you like,” Tommy spoke up, and Christopher blinked at him as if seeing him for the first time.

“Chris, this is my friend Tommy,” Eddie jumped in. “Tommy, this is my son, Christopher.”

“Nice to meet you, Christopher,” Tommy held his hand out with a smile, and Christopher shook it enthusiastically. “Your Dad talks about you all the time.” Christopher beamed at him, and Eddie’s heart thumped painfully. Christopher was loved, but Christopher knew he was loved, and it was a self-assurance and confidence that Eddie wished he’d had at that age.

“Are you good at math?” Christopher asked warily. He glanced at Eddie with a knowing look, and Eddie just knew there was a crack coming. “Because Buck’s terrible. Apart from when he was struck by lightning. But now he’s bad again.”

“Struck by-?” Tommy started, sounding horrified, but shook his head, chuckling. “Yeah, I’m OK at math. You have to be good at math to be a firefighter. They make you do tests and everything.”

“You’re a firefighter, too?” Christopher looked surprised. “Do you work with Dad and Buck?”

“No, I work in Air Operations over at the 127,” Tommy explained patiently, and Eddie felt almost guilty for the way Christopher’s face fell.

“Air Operations?” Christopher’s voice was flat, and Eddie almost nudged him to not be rude. “Like air traffic control?”

“Oh no,” Tommy laughed, with a wink at Eddie, as if they were in on a joke together. “Like air ambulances and search and rescue and fire suppression.” And just like that, Christopher was all-in. He hung on Tommy’s every word, occasionally chiming in with:

“You fly helicopters?” or “Buck loves rope rescues! He should do them out your helicopters!” or “You’d give us a tour?! Can we go Dad? Please?!”

~

Eddie couldn’t tell if it was working or not. Tommy was great fun to hang out with – he made Eddie laugh, he made Eddie feel at home. He was easy to get along with and they shared so many interests. Sometimes he would invite Christopher to hang out with them, too, which made Christopher’s day; sometimes Eddie would leave Christopher to hang out with His Buck while Eddie had a boys’ night.

He invited Tommy to the poker night. Seeing Tommy in a suit didn’t bring up the complicated feelings of intense love, mouth-watering attraction and pure lust that it had done with Buck. Captain Mehta teased him about bringing handsome men, which made him blush, but Tommy took it cooly, throwing an arm around his shoulders and joking about how he had to live up to the standards that Eddie had set.

“Hey, have you got plans on Friday night?” Eddie asked, and Buck grinned at him as if he knew what Eddie was going to ask. Buck loved hanging out with Christopher, and Eddie loved that. Buck loved Eddie’s son as much as Eddie did and if that didn’t make his heart swell.

“Oh, no, Friday’s free!” There was a tone in Buck’s voice Eddie didn’t understand, but he smiled anyway.

“You don’t mind watching Chris for me, do you?” He saw Buck’s face falter – not drop, but a look flicker across it, so quickly that anyone other than Eddie would have missed it. “Tommy’s got tickets to a fight but Pepa’s out of town.”

“You and- Tommy?” Buck sounded uncertain, and Eddie felt guilty.

“It’s OK,” he gave a smile, trying to coax one out of his friend. “We can hang out another day.” Buck managed a small smile, but Eddie couldn’t help thinking he’d missed something.

~

Seeing Buck at Harbour had surprised Eddie, but he soon forgot about it as the helicopter took off. He was still a little jumpy around helicopters after Afghanistan, but Tommy calmed him, easily pulling him into a conversation.

“I know a great place for dinner,” He told him, and Eddie adjusted his headset to hear him more clearly. “You like steak, right?”

“I’m from Texas!” Even with his microphone, Eddie had to shout over the noise of the rotors. “Of course I do.”

“Texas, huh?” Tommy grinned over at him. “Cowboy?”

“My Dad was in oil before he retired,” Eddie laughed.

“Oh, the other Texas stereotype,” Tommy teased. “Real Yosemite Sam.”

“Yosemite Sam was an outlaw,” Eddie corrected with a chuckle. “You’re thinking of the guy from The Simpsons.”

“Oh God, I am!” Tommy let out a delighted laugh. “No offense, Diaz.”

“None taken,” Eddie laughed, not wanting to ruin the evening by pushing back about the nickname. “I keep threatening to take Christopher to stay on a Texan ranch for a week to show him what the state is really like. He thinks it’s all hanging by the pool and cookouts in his grandparents’ garden.”

“He’ll soon learn!” Tommy wheezed. “My Uncle had a ranch my Dad used to pack me off to every summer to ‘make me a man’.” He put on a gruff, mocking voice for the phrase. “It was damn hard work.”

“I think he’d enjoy it,” Eddie admitted. He couldn’t help a fond smile. “Buck took him on a horse-riding course the other year. He learned to ride, but also to care for the horses and muck them out and stuff. He loved it. They both did. I’ve never see Buck so happy shovelling shit.” That had Tommy throw his head back with laughter, making the helicopter jolt. Eddie jolted with it, gripping the seat, but Tommy held it steady.

“Sorry about that.” He glanced over. “You OK?”

“I’m good,” Eddie managed, slowly releasing his death-grip and trying to subtly flex his fingers to get the blood circulating again. Tommy kept an eye trained on him doubtfully but didn’t push the matter as he radioed ATC.

~

The fight had been intense and exhilarating. Sitting ringside, Eddie felt like he was part of the action, and he had screamed himself hoarse, filled his camera roll, and at one stage been so enthusiastic he’d leapt from his seat. Tommy had been just as into it, leaning over to talk into Eddie’s ear to be heard over the crowd, or touching his shoulder to get his attention.

“I’ve got this,” Tommy insisted as they were seated at their table at the steakhouse. Eddie tried to protest but Tommy held a hand up to stop him. “This whole night is my treat. I’ve got this.”

“At least let me get you a beer,” Eddie insisted, but Tommy shook his head.

“Not tonight. Not when I’m flying.” He gave Eddie a mischievous grin. “Maybe next time, though?”

“Next time?” Eddie frowned, confused. “Next time… we’re in Vegas?”

“Next time we meet up!” Tommy laughed.

“Oh!” Eddie laughed at his own ignorance. “Yeah, I getcha. Do you play basketball? There’s this first responder pick-up game on Thursday if you’re interested?” Tommy grinned at him.

“That sounds perfect.”

~

Buck was being weird. First he’d cancelled on his weekly Buck-and-Christopher-burger night which – OK, fine, Eddie probably shouldn’t have been using him for free childcare so he could go and play pickup basketball, and Christopher had been asking to go to his friend’s for dinner anyway, but that wasn’t the point.

But then Buck had started making huffy noises when Eddie was chatting to other people around the station, or giving Eddie pointed looks when in the gym as if wanting him to notice him. He loudly accepted an Amazon parcel, noticeably flourished it when Eddie glanced over, and visibly deflated when Eddie was too engrossed in his task to ask him about it.

Seeing Buck at the basketball game was a surprise, but Eddie’s traitorous heart did an excited leap.

“Hey Buck!” He beamed, knowing his smile was too big for his face, but he couldn’t seem to rein it in. “Didn’t expect to see you here!” He bounced the ball a few times before tossing it to Buck who caught it without meeting his eye. “Is that why you ordered the ball to the station the other day?” Eddie tried to tease. “You know we already have them here, right?”

“Let’s just play,” Buck tossed the ball back to Eddie with a flick of his fingers and Eddie caught it before it barrelled into his chest.

“Game on, Buckley.”

~

The game was intense. The game was brutal. The game was hot and sweaty and Eddie was having the time of his life. He’d been dreaming for years of enticing his best friend to come to the pickup game, and finally he’d agreed, and Eddie couldn’t keep the smile off his face. Despite being on opposite teams, this was the best game Eddie had played in his life. He’d laughed every time Buck fell for a feint, he congratulated himself when he was able to successfully block the hulk of a man, he couldn’t stop himself cheering when Buck managed to score.

Then they both leapt for the ball at the same time. Buck’s shoulder caught Eddie’s, sending him sideways. Eddie landed wrong and his ankle buckled. He fell to the ground with a cry, clutching at it, and suddenly Tommy was by his side.

“I- I’m sorry,” Eddie heard Buck choke out, and Eddie tried to grunt out a response through the pain, but found his teeth gritted too tight.

“Nice going, Buck,” Chimney spat as he probed at Eddie’s joint, and Eddie groaned in an attempt to tell people it wasn’t Buck’s fault, but he couldn’t form words.

“I- I’ll take him home,” Buck stammered somewhere in the crowd, and Eddie looked over, trying to find him. He could imagine Buck lifting him in his strong, capable arms; Buck carrying him into his house like Eddie was his bride on their wedding night; Buck nestling Eddie into bed – maybe Eddie would be doped up on pain relief and feel a little fuzzy as Buck peered over him. Maybe Buck would smooth Eddie’s hair out his eyes, or throw in a pet name when he brought Eddie some hot tea, or-

Eddie hissed in pain again as Chimney tested the ankle, bringing him snapping out of his daydream.

“My truck is closer,” Tommy’s voice cut across Buck’s and Eddie tried not to be too disappointed.

“Take him to get checked out,” Chimney advised, and Tommy clasped Eddie’s hand to haul him up and support him to his truck.

~

Tommy insisted on driving Eddie to the hospital, and sitting with him while they waited for an x-ray. It didn’t take long for the texts from Buck to start pouring in.

im so sorry eddie

i never meant to hurt you

i just got carried away

its ok if your mad

but i want you to no im sorry

It’s OK Buck, really. Of course I’m not mad. We’re just waiting for an x-ray then Tommy’s going to drive me home. Come by tomorrow for movie night and you can see I’m not mad :)

OK, just got my results. They can’t see any damage so it’s probably just a bad sprain. Please don’t worry about it :) See you tomorrow!

~

Spending two days recovering on the sofa put a lot into perspective. Eddie propped his foot on the coffee table, resting on a pile of cushions, and spent the Friday texting his best friend.

im still sorry eddie

Don’t be, Buck :) I’m all good. Chris and I are having a movie night tonight. You should come by!

wish i could but i promised maddie id babysit

hope your resting your ankle

ice and painkillers

dont use it if you can help it

hope you have snacks

ill see you soon

promise

Eddie stared at his phone as he poked at the cup of ramen he had made for lunch, feeling terrible. He missed Buck, and distancing himself had only made everything worse. Eddie wasn’t sure how long it had been since the pair had hung out together, but he knew exactly when he’d last seen Tommy, and the fact he knew one but not the other hurt. No wonder Buck was acting out; he must be feeling so neglected, and without understanding what caused it.

What about tomorrow? Chris wants to do a Hotel Transylvania marathon.

Then, to cheer him up, Eddie added

Vampires don’t show up on camera because silver is used in the process to make film, and silver and vampires don’t mix.

yeah tomorrow works

Buck reacted to the fun fact with a heart emoji. Eddie hoped it meant he was feeling better.

~

Eddie had no idea what had possessed the entire PTA group to drag him to a sports bar. One minute they had been discussing fundraisers for new football jerseys, the next Eddie had a beer in his hand, surrounded by middle aged women clutching their wines, proseccos and cocktails, trying to watch the game to avoid noticing the way Valerie – eight years older than him despite having a son in Christopher’s class, and recently divorced from her cheating husband – was flirting hopelessly.

At the end of the third quarter, Eddie escaped to use the bathroom and was just weighing up the merits of a third beer against faking an emergency with Christopher to be able to leave, when he saw a familiar set of curls in a booth in the corner and his heart leapt.

“Hey Buck!” He beamed as he hurried over, then blinked in surprise. “And Tommy! Hi guys!” He noticed the way Buck looked panicked when he saw him, and blushed a deep red. Interesting. Unusual.

“Oh, hi Eddie!” Buck’s voice was half an octave higher than normal and he wouldn’t meet Eddie’s eye. Eddie frowned slightly in confusion, but let it go. “Whatcha doing here?”

“PTA meeting gone feral,” Eddie sighed, sliding into the booth beside his best friend. “Save me. Let me hide here for a bit.” Buck froze beside him. Weird. “What are you doing here?” Tommy opened his mouth, but Buck got in there first.

“Oh, just two guys having a drink.” Eddie knew that tone of voice. Buck was posturing, but Eddie wasn’t sure why. “We’re gonna go catch a movie, but thought we’d grab a drink first, y’know? See if we can catch some hot chicks to take with us.”

“Catch… chicks?” Eddie asked slowly, one eyebrow raised in an expression he knew he had learned from Buck. Buck flushed red. Tommy frowned.

“O-kay,” he drew the word out. He glanced between Buck and Eddie and poured the last of his drink into his mouth. “I think I’m gonna head out.”

“Yeah, we’ve got a movie to catch,” Buck blurted out and Eddie stood to let him out, feeling like he’d missed something, but didn’t know what. Buck downed his drink and touched Eddie lightly on the elbow. Eddie’s arm burned, in a cold-nights-in-front-of-the-fire, sunkissed-days-at-the-beach, hot-cocoa-when-there-was-snow-on-the-ground way. Safe. Comforting. Eddie wanted to feel it all the time.

“See you around, Buck,” Eddie heard himself saying as they left. Eddie held his hand up in a weak wave.

God, he loved him.

~

Eddie replayed the interaction in his head that night. Buck was being even weirder now. Buck was desperate for Eddie’s attention. Buck had been begging to hang out with him. Buck had avoided Eddie’s gaze when Eddie had noticed he was out drinking with another man. Buck had postulated and strutted, and peacocked.

Oh shit.

Oh fuck.

Oh holy fuck.

Was Buck in love with him in return?!

~

For two days, it was all Eddie could think about. He replayed the evidence over and over in his head. In the shower. Whilst cooking. Whilst trying to sleep. Whilst washing the fire engine. Whilst stocking the ambulance. Whilst prepping the hoses. He was so certain.

Buck loved him.

Buck was in love with him.

Eddie loved Buck and Buck loved him back.

Eddie was going to have to be brave. Eddie was going to have to say something.

Eddie could be brave.

Eddie had a silver star.

~

He arrived at Buck’s door the next day with a bag of noodles and a pack of beer. He knocked for once, thinking the occasion momentous and wanting to do it right. Buck answered the door and Eddie’s heart nearly skipped a beat. Buck wasn’t dressed in anything particularly special – in fact, he was in joggers and a loose grey tank top. His hair wasn’t slicked back but wild and starting to curl, like he had been scruffing it, and Eddie wanted desperately to be the one to run his hands through it.

“Eddie.” Something akin to panic flashed across Buck’s eyes, and Eddie faltered slightly. Did Buck know that Eddie knew? Was he nervous about Eddie’s reaction?

“Hey Buck,” He gave his best smile, hoping to calm Buck’s nerves. He lifted his offerings. “I brought dinner.”

“What- what are you doing here?” Buck stammered, not moving back to let Eddie in.

“We haven’t hung out in a few days,” Eddie explained, hoping that being himself would be enough to get Buck to relax. “Thought we could have some dinner, y’know? Watch a movie? Talk?” Buck hesitated, but stepped aside to let Eddie in.

~

The dinner was probably nice, but Eddie was too nervous to taste it. The film was average, but Eddie didn’t take in a word of it.

“Hey Buck,” He managed, as the credits rolled. “Can we talk?” He cleared his throat, but Buck shook his head.

“No, I wanna say something,” He insisted, which surprised Eddie, but his heart gave an excited flip. This was it. He felt bad, knowing what Buck was going to say before he said it; like it put Buck at a disadvantage somehow. “I need to say something.”

“Yeah?” Eddie asked, soft and gentle. It was the voice he used when he knew younger Christopher had walked pen into the rug, and he wasn’t mad about it, he just wanted Christopher to get it off his chest so he didn’t look like he was going to throw up when he entered the living room. It was the voice he used when Buck looked like he was going to withdraw into himself and Eddie had to coax him out of his shell. It was the voice he used when Christopher wouldn’t admit to what his nightmares were about, but Eddie knew they were eating him up inside.

“Yeah.” Buck nodded, looking sheepish and avoiding Eddie’s eyes. He didn’t say anything else. That was OK. Eddie could wait. This was something Buck had to do in his own time. He listened to the tick of the clock and watched as Buck tangled his fingers together and bounced his knee and shifted position on the sofa. “That night, at the bar, when you ran into me and Tommy?” He stopped again, looking up at Eddie through his beautiful long lashes, as if making sure he was following. Eddie nodded.

“Yeah?”

“It-” Buck tried, and stopped. He took a deep breath, let it out, swallowed, and took another breath. “Me and Tommy, uh- We, uh-” He shut his eyes and opened them again. He let out his breath and took another.

“It was a date.”

Chapter Text

Forever

“It was a date.”

What?

Eddie knew he had frozen, but he didn’t know what to say. Buck had been on a date. Buck had been on a date with Tommy. All that time, all that attention Buck had been begging for. All the acting out, and the long sighs, the sprained fucking ankle. That had been for Tommy’s benefit.

God, Eddie felt like an idiot. Of course it had been Tommy that Buck had been chasing. The sudden shows of machismo. That could never have been for Eddie’s benefit; Eddie already knew Buck wasn’t like that, and Buck knew he didn’t want him to be. Buck knew Eddie’s favourite version of him was sitting on his couch, Christopher between them, with pizza and a movie, Buck spouting fun facts about what they were watching that only improved the experience.

The guided tour around Harbour. The basketball game. The way Buck had been talking about taking muay thai lessons or helicopter flying lessons. As Eddie thought back through the previous weeks, it was so obvious. Buck was in love with Tommy.

“A date?” He managed to croak. He mentally cursed as he saw Buck’s face drop and instantly knew he’d got the wrong idea. He watched Buck’s lips dip downwards as he nodded, not meeting Eddie’s eye. “You and Tommy?”

“Mmhm,” Buck mumbled, before risking flicking his eyes back up to Eddie for his reaction. Eddie seized the moment to meet them and hoped he wouldn’t look away. His voice was so soft and cautious. Eddie wanted to wrap him up in his arms and press kisses to his head like when Christopher was upset about a grade on a project or nervous for an upcoming test. “Is that… OK?”

“Of course it’s OK!” Eddie forced his face to split into a wide grin, and saw relief flood Buck. His best friend visibly relaxed as if he’d just taken his first breath since drowning. “This changes nothing between us.”

Lie.

Big fat lie.

Everything had changed. Eddie was heart-clenchingly, atom-tinglingly, world-rockingly drowning in love for his best friend. Who had gone on a date with someone else. Who Buck would fall in love with, and marry, and move on with, and Eddie would be left behind, trying to gather the crushed pieces of his heart and hold them in his hands like some meagre offering. And Eddie would stay, of course he would stay – he could live his life with a broken heart and a shattered spirit, just as long as his life still had Evan Buckley in it – but everything would be different.

“Really?” But Buck was looking sheepish and worried, like Eddie would ever be able to ever leave him, and it hurt to look at. Hurt to know Buck could think Eddie would ever hate him. Hurt to understand that Buck thought something like this would break them apart. Hurt to see the evidence that Buck thought their friendship would be so damned easy to break.

“Of course,” Eddie put on his most reassuring smile and squeezed Buck’s shoulder in that familiar, grounding way. “We’re BuckAndEddie. Nothing’s going to change that. C’m’ere.” He opened his arms and let Buck tumble into them, hugging his best friend tight. Buck gripped the back of Eddie’s top with both hands, holding on like letting go would sweep Eddie away from him, and Eddie shut his eyes as he tucked his face into Buck’s neck. Everything was changing, he might lose his best friend and the love of his damned life, but Buck was in his arms, and Eddie was going to savour this moment for as long as he could.

Eddie made it home and into bed before breaking into tears.

~

Of course, Eddie had to keep seeing Buck. They were best friends. They worked together. Buck had no idea anything was wrong.

Buck insisting on organising Chimney’s bachelor party wasn’t helping the matter.

Look, it wasn’t that Eddie wanted to marry Buck. Well, maybe he did. He could picture himself standing at the altar, Christopher beside him in a tux as his best man. Bobby would be leading Buck down the aisle, Maddie and Jee-Yun would be in matching bridesmaid dresses. Eddie would hold Buck’s hands as they exchanged vows, then rings. Eddie would cry.

But that wasn’t the point. Chimney’s bachelor party was a stark reminder that Eddie was single, and that Buck wasn’t. That Buck would be bringing a date. Oh God. Eddie hadn’t hung out with Tommy since Buck’s confession, and now he was going to have to see the two together, painfully in love.

“It’ll be 80s themed,” Buck decided, ignoring Chimney insisting he didn’t want this. Typical Buck So stubborn, but it made Eddie so fond. He wasn’t stubborn, he was determined. Determined to celebrate his friend. Determined to give him the night of his life.

“Buck, what do you know about the 80s?” Bobby laughed, and Buck pouted. Eddie loved that pout, unable to stop staring at Buck’s plump, soft-looking lips.

“That’s not the point,” He sulked. Maybe anyone else he would have snapped, but with Bobby he reverted back to being a child and Eddie loved him.

“We should totally go as Crockett and Tubbs,” Eddie heard himself saying before he could stop himself. Yes, this whole idea of a bachelor party was a nightmare, but Buck was trying so hard and no-one was biting, and Eddie refused to let him feel invalidated. Sure enough, Buck perked right up.

“Yes! But I’m Crockett.”

~

Traffic was a nightmare, and of course Christopher hadn’t been ready to leave on time, but it was worth being late to see Buck going Full Buck. Eddie was taken back to fire marshals and stocking ambulances and loaning out power banks and even being confronted in the station gym on his first day of work. Everyone complained so much about Clipboard Buck, but Eddie had always viewed him with fond affection. Looking back, he knew it was love.

“You’re late,” Buck snarled in a way he clearly thought was angry, but just made Eddie want to smile.

“Chris was being Chris,” He held his hands up in defence, although he knew it was low to use his child as a shield. Buck could never be mad at Christopher and sure enough, he softened.

“He OK?”

“Wouldn’t come off his game to get packed for his sleepover,” Eddie rolled his eyes and Buck failed to hide the doting look in his eyes, even as he attempted to give a performative huff.

“Wouldn’t come off, or you didn’t push him to?”

“Oh, don’t try getting all Bad Cop on me now, Buckley!” Eddie laughed. “You’re the one who’s never said no to him in your life!”

“I’m not the parent!” Buck protested, and didn’t that hurt Eddie like a blow to the chest? Whatever relationship Buck and Eddie had aside, surely Buck must know?

“Well, at least I’m here before Chimney,” Eddie changed the subject before he could do something stupid like offer adoption papers.

“You’re here before everybody,” Buck scowled. “The invitations clearly said 7:30 sharp.”

“Why don’t we get a drink?” Eddie soothed gently, turning to the bar, and Buck huffed again.

“Fine. But not the champagne.”

“Just orange juice for me,” Tommy smarmed as he strolled in casually – not dressed to the theme – and went to hug Buck. “I’m on call.”

“I didn’t know you could bring a date to a bachelor party,” Eddie raised an eyebrow, but couldn’t bring himself to look at Buck. God, he wanted to be Buck’s date to the party. Tommy was giving Buck a look that Eddie couldn’t quite work out.

“He’s not my date,” Buck mumbled, staring at his shoes like there was something fascinating on the floor, and pink like he was feeling the effects of the beer that hadn’t left Eddie’s hand yet. Maybe if he was that warm, he should shed the jacket and just be in his casual trousers and tight white shirt, and-

“Hey, I knew Chimney before he was ‘Chimney’,” Tommy pointed out and Eddie nodded along like he’d remembered that fact all along. “Where’s everyone else?” Buck took a deep breath but Eddie cut across him.

“Don’t get him started.”

~

Everyone else was late. Everyone else left early. Chimney never showed.

Eddie didn’t have it in him to tell Buck told you so. His shoulders slumped, his lips were pouting. Gloating over Buck would feel like kicking him when he was down.

“Hey, it doesn’t have to be over,” he promised Buck, in a last-ditch attempt to make him smile. “Why don’t we go out somewhere? We can keep going.” The door opened and a group of girls in short skirts, clutching bottles of alcohol by the neck, came swarming in. They were clearly in the wrong room, but it seemed to perk Buck up.

“Hey, wanna join us?”

~

The party was in full flow. Buck and Eddie had belted some karaoke classics (Livin’ On A Prayer, Don’t Stop Believing, What I Like About You, Total Eclipse of the Heart, Smashmouth’s All Star) with their arms around each other and their faces way too close. They drank too much tequila and stayed close to each other’s sides. They shared an Uber back to their hotel suite with so many other people that Buck ended up in Eddie’s lap to fit everyone in the car. Eddie tried really hard to be normal about it all.

The party continued in their hotel suite. Buck was blasting music and Eddie was showing off his dance moves. Girls crowded Buck and it made Eddie want to lose all the tequila in his stomach, but when they tried to surround him, too, he shrugged them off, wanting to get back to his best friend.

Best friend. Because that’s what they were. Best friends. Eddie was hopelessly pining over his best friend who had a boyfriend, and Eddie was going to be miserable forever. The idea made Eddie’s stomach churn violently and he sought out another bottle of tequila.

“Oh man!” Buck appeared later in the night and hooked his arm around Eddie’s shoulders. His jacket had been slung and his too-tight white shirt had suspicious marks. His hair was damp with sweat and crazed like he had been running his fingers through it. His cheeks were pink and his birthmark stood out dark red. Buck had never looked more beautiful. “I can’t believe Chimney’s missing the best party of his life. He should be here. It’s his bachelor party!”

“Who knows?” Eddie slung his own arm around Buck’s shoulders, uncoordinated and haphazard. “Maybe things won’t work out with your sister and you can throw him another?”

“Oh, really?” Buck’s eyes filled with tears as he beamed at Eddie. “You think so?!”

“Yeah,” Eddie patted his shoulder awkwardly. “He’ll love it. You did a great job, Buck.”

“Y’know, bachelor parties date all the way back to the Ancient Greeks,” Buck slurred. Eddie did know that. Buck had told him during the planning process, but he wouldn’t admit to it. Eddie wanted to hear Buck talk. He loved hearing Buck’s facts, and he loved hearing Buck’s voice. Buck yapped as it was, but get Buck drinking and he talked. Alcohol loosens the tongue, indeed. “An’ karaoke translates to empty orchestra. Isn’t that haunting? But beautiful. And- and- and orchestra refers to the part of the stage where the Greek chorus would be.”

“That’s so cool, Buck,” Eddie gasped, his eyes wide with sincerity as he peered into Buck’s face. “You’re so smart.”

“Really?” Buck’s eyes rounded with emotion and swam a little. “’m not annoying you?”

“Buck, I love when you tell me this stuff!” Eddie insisted.

“Even when I talk too much?” Buck sounded almost nervous to ask, and Eddie couldn’t stop his brow furrowing.

“You absolutely do not talk too much, Buck,” He insisted, turning to face his friend. He gave him a clumsy pat on the cheek before keeping his hand there, his thumb brushing over it. “I love it when you talk. You should always talk.” He trailed off, lost in Buck’s big blue eyes, vaguely aware of the way that Buck was unable to break contact.

Eddie didn’t know who moved first, but as their lips brushed together, he felt sparks shoot down his spine. He felt Buck’s hands in his hair, pulling him closer, and cupped Buck’s face with both hands to stop him moving away. Buck deepened the kiss and Eddie felt his whole body tingling, from the base of his skull to the ends of his fingers to his coccyx to his toes. He pressed closer, a soft grunt of appreciation and, for once, allowed himself to feel his feelings.

Eddie had kissed people before. He had kissed Shannon, he had kissed Ana. He’d played kiss-chase with the girls as a child. But Eddie didn’t know kissing could feel like this.

For one thing, Eddie usually let the other person take control. Eddie had never really been interested in kissing before; it had been fun, but it had been mainly performative. Eddie had never really felt anything and had never known he should do. This was different. Eddie was feeling sparks, and joy, and longing, and he wanted more.

Eventually they had to break apart, though Eddie would rather never breathe again than stop. He rested his forehead against Buck’s, chest heaving, unable to stop smiling.

“Yeah?” Buck breathed, his fingers stroking through the hair on the back of Eddie’s neck. Eddie stroked his thumb over Buck’s cheekbone and made a contented noise in the back of his throat.

“Yeah.”

~

The party continued raging. The music thumped. Buck and Eddie continued drinking. They kept meeting for kisses; frantic and desperate pressed up against dark corners of the room. Slow and intense on the make-shift dance floor. Featherlight butterfly kisses when Buck excused himself to use the bathroom and firm, bruising kisses when he returned. Eddie had groped Buck almost everywhere he could reach, and Eddie would have bite-marks on his neck and chest for weeks.

~

Eddie wasn’t sure if it was the banging in his head or the banging on the bedroom door that woke him, but there was a strong, muscular arm around his waist and a warm body pressed against his back and he was quite content to lie there for a minute breathing in the moment. He let his eyes flicker back shut and a smile creep over his face.

He thought back to last night. To messy kisses. To scrambling with shirt buttons and trouser zips. To taking it in turns to be pressed into the bed. To the way his whole body reacted to each touch and stroke and whisper in his ear. To the desperate need for more that he had never felt before. To the hope it never ended, rather than the usual feeling of hoping that it would finish as soon as possible.

Forget not knowing kisses could feel like that; Eddie had never known sex could feel like that. Lightning had coursed through his veins. Fireworks had exploded in front of his eyes. Symphonies could be made of their joint whimpers and moans. Eddie’s toes had curled as he experienced the best orgasm of his life and he wished he could play on repeat the sound Buck made when he-

Wait

Shit

Buck?!

As there was another bang on the door before it burst open, both men sat up in bed, staring at each other in shock.

“What the hell, guys?!” Hen cried, staring at the both of them with murder in her eyes. “This is where you’ve been? We’ve been trying to get hold of you both. We can’t find Chimney, but obviously he’s not-” She froze, and Eddie stared at her, his head throbbing too hard for him to process anything she’d said. But he didn’t miss the way Hen’s eyes swept the room, taking in the damaged furniture, the stains and the scattered clothes. Her eyes widened in shock, then horror. “Oh, ew, guys! Really?!” She pointedly turned around and glared back out the open bedroom door. “I’m not talking to you guys in that state. Get decent. Quick.” She stalked back into the suite, letting the bedroom door shut behind her.

“Eddie-” Buck started, but Eddie couldn’t look him in the eye.

“Turn away.” He begged, facing away from his friend. He didn’t hear Buck move. “I’m serious, Buck. Turn away. I can’t do this with you watching.”

“Do you regret it?” Buck asked in a small voice. God, Eddie didn’t know what to say. He didn’t regret it; he’d never regret what they’d shared. He now knew the taste of Buck against his lips. The feeling of Buck’s skin under his fingers. The way Buck writhed under his tongue. But he knew there would never be a repeat. Buck had Tommy, and Eddie was destined to look on from the outside, alone. Pressed against the window of longing. He’d never regret what happened, but it hurt he could never have it again. He opened his mouth, willing words to come out, but evidently he was quiet too long. “Right.” Buck sounded hurt as he slid from the sheets and Eddie heard him fuss around the room to collect his clothes and take them into the ensuite bathroom.

~

Hen filled them both in as she drove them both home. She told them both to shower and DoorDash some breakfast, because she would be picking them both up in an hour to find the missing groom. When she wasn’t talking, the car was silent. Buck had hopped in the front passenger seat – citing the need to stretch his giraffe legs – and Eddie hadn’t fought him. He just stared out the window, feeling an unseasonal grey cloud covering him, despite the sun outside.

~

Two cups of coffee and plans to order a McDonalds breakfast biscuit with extra hot sauce later, Eddie took a long, hot shower. He stood under the steam and all he could think about was how badly he had fucked up, and how much that hurt.

Fuck up 1: He’d fallen in love with Buck. With the best friend he’d ever had and one of the only people he would never be able to cut out of his life, no matter how much it hurt to see him; the hurt of losing him would kill him.

Fuck up 2: He’d got so irresponsibly drunk he’d clearly lost all decision-making skills. Sober Eddie would have kept his stupid crush a secret. Sober Eddie wouldn’t have thought with his dick and ruined everything.

Fuck up 3: Eddie had slept with his best friend. His not single best friend. Eddie had crossed a line that they could never come back from and God, he didn’t want to come back from it. How he wished he could stay living over that line. How he wished he could stay in a world where he slept beside Evan Buckley every night, and kissed Evan Buckley whenever he wanted, and that Evan Buckley loved him back. But Buck was with Tommy, and Eddie was Prometheus, doomed to relive the pain again and again as he thought of that night that would live in his memories, never to be repeated.

Fuck up 4: Eddie had hurt Buck. Eddie hadn’t told Buck he didn’t regret what happened. Eddie hadn’t been able to look at Buck and now Buck was hurting. Eddie had ruined his relationship with Buck, and he would never forgive himself.

Eddie stuck his head under the shower and hoped he’d drown.

~

They searched for Chimney, and Buck wouldn’t look at him.

They found Chimney, and Buck wouldn’t talk to Eddie.

Chimney was being treated in hospital; the cold shoulder Buck gave him was justified.

Maddie and Chimney got married and Tommy arrived. Eddie deserved it.

~

In the end, it was Christopher who broke the dam between them.

“Buck, are you coming to ours tonight?” He begged, practically hanging off Buck’s arm, as the group walked towards the hospital car park. Buck winced and glanced at Eddie for the first time in what felt like days.

“Uh-”

“I think Buck wants some time with Tommy, Bud,” Eddie chimed in sheepishly, feeling sick at the idea of Buck and Tommy together. Buck and Tommy as a couple. Buck lying to Tommy about the night before. Buck telling Tommy the truth and Tommy leaving him for it. It would be Eddie’s fault.

“He can come too!” Christopher insisted. He turned to Tommy. “Won’t you?!”

“Oh!” Tommy looked surprised, glancing between Eddie and Buck. He glanced down at Christopher and Eddie could almost see the guilt in his face. No-one felt good about saying no to Eddie’s perfect, amazing kid. Instead, he gave Buck an odd look that Eddie couldn’t read. “Um, I’m still on shift, sorry.”

“But you’ll still come?” Christopher begged, tugging on Buck’s arm and staring imploringly up at him. “Please, Buck!” And when had Buck ever said no to Chris?

~
They let Christopher stay up later than usual. He was enjoying spending time with Buck, and wasn’t being any bother, and Eddie’s head was starting to throb. He wouldn’t have had the energy to argue, even if Christopher had tried his luck. Not with the pulsing behind his eyes and the way Buck had steadfastly refused to look at him since they got home.

It was nearing 11 o’clock when Christopher volunteered to go to bed, but not before making Buck promise to make him breakfast the next morning. The soft, fond look Buck fixed him as he agreed made Eddie’s heart do a flip.

“You don’t have to stay if you don’t want to,” Eddie told Buck ashamedly, as Buck went to get his designated set of bedding out the airing cupboard. “I know I was- I can deal with him in the morning. You shouldn’t stick around, just to give him his own way.”

“Actually,” Buck turned to him with his pillow in his hand – stored in its dinosaur pillowcase that Christopher had insisted he take when he’d grown out of him itself – but still wouldn’t meet his eyes. It made Eddie ache to know how much he’d hurt his best friend. “I thought maybe we could talk?”

“About-?” Eddie didn’t know how to phrase it, but Buck nodded, flicking his eyes to him briefly. Eddie nodded. “I’ll get us something to drink. Beer?”

“No,” Buck winced, and Eddie was right there with him. He never wanted to drink again. “I’ll make us cocoa.” Eddie opened his mouth to protest, but Buck held a hand up to stop him. “Learn to do it right, Diaz, then you can make them.”

~

Buck was right. Of course he was right. Eddie was no longer a slouch in the kitchen – especially if you didn’t compare him to Bobby and Buck’s cooking, thank you Christopher – but Buck was definitely better at making hot chocolate. He knew the right amount of cocoa powder and extra sugar to use. He heated the milk to exactly the right temperature. He knew the correct number of marshmallows to use. He used a secret ingredient Eddie couldn’t place – nutmeg? Cinnamon? A dash of chilli? His cream had a structural integrity Eddie could only dream of. 

They sat together on the sofa, further apart than normal. Eddie stared into his drink, trying not to think about it. He waited for Buck to be the first to talk. Buck was always the first to talk. Buck never met a silence he liked. Buck had a compulsive need to fill dead air with rambling and Eddie adored him for it; adored listening to it.

Buck took a deep breath. Eddie couldn’t breathe.

“About last night-” Buck started softly. Eddie hated it. He hated how broken Buck sounded. Buck was never this timid with Eddie.

“I don’t regret it.” Eddie blurted out before he could stop himself. Buck froze and frowned at him.

“What?”

“I mean-” Eddie frowned into his drink as he worked out the best way to phrase everything, trying not to notice the way Buck deflated. “I don’t regret it. I’ll never regret it. But I know it’ll never happen again, and that hurts.”

“That-?” Buck started, his voice thick with unshed tears, and Eddie felt awful. Buck had spent a life-time desperately trying to get people to stay close to him, and here he was making him think he was leaving. He almost spilled his hot chocolate in his rush to put it on the coffee table and went to take Buck’s hand before realising the implied intimacy. He turned to face his friend instead, wanting to look him in the face, but Buck wouldn’t meet his eyes.

“Hey, Buck, no,” he told him gently. “I’m not leaving. I promise. I’m still your best friend. But you’re with Tommy, and-”

“What?” Buck looked up at him, frowning. “No I’m not.”

“Yes you are,” Eddie blurted out automatically, confused. “You were on that date with Tommy when I saw you. You told me.”

“It was just a date, Eddie,” Buck blushed. “There wasn’t a second one.”

“You didn’t tell me that!” Eddie protested. “What happened?”

“I didn’t tell you because I was embarrassed,” Buck’s blush deepened and he buried his face in his hands. “We went on that date, and you bumped into us and I panicked. I acted like an idiot and then we left and he told me I wasn’t ready, and he went home. We haven’t really spoken since.”

“If it was just that, why did you tell me?” Eddie asked, confused, and Buck gave a hollow laugh and dropped his hands.

“Oh my god.” He scoffed. “I was coming out to you, you idiot!”

“Oh my god,” Eddie groaned, his turn to cover his face with his hands in shame. He scrunched his fingers into his fringe in frustration with himself before letting them drop. “So when I asked about you bringing a date last night-?”

“Yeah, I really didn’t,” Buck admitted with a wry grin.

“And when I told Chris you’d rather spend time with Tommy-?” Eddie winced, cringing as he looked back on it, making Buck give a small laugh.

“Yeah, I thought that was because of the whole… last night, thing.”

“The whole last night thing,” Eddie groaned, scrubbing his face with his hands. “Buck, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean-”

“I get it.” Buck cut across him. “You’re straight, you were drunk-”

“Am I?” Eddie asked before he could stop himself. Not the best way of doing this. Buck frowned at him.

“Yes?” He was definitely confused, and oh right, Eddie had never told him. Never told him, for fear of blurting out the secret he was harbouring. The secret infatuation – love – for his best friend.

“I’m not,” He admitted. He risked a glance at Buck and saw him open his mouth to speak. Eddie held a hand up to stop him. “I haven’t figured out what I identify as, yet. I’m kinda leaving it as ‘queer’ for now. Last night-”

“I don’t regret it, either,” Buck blurted out, and Eddie’s brain short-circuited.

“You- you don’t?” He stammered, and Buck shook his head.

“I loved it,” He admitted, nudging his fingers towards Eddie’s, and Eddie let him tangle them together, squeezing gently. “But then you ran away, and-”

“I was upset,” Eddie admitted, trying to catch Buck’s eyes. “To have a taste of Evan Buckley, and thinking that was it? That I’d never get it again? It was killing me.”

“That doesn’t have to be it,” Buck breathed, blue eyes finally meeting brown, and Eddie surged forward.

There were no fireworks this time. Eddie felt love wash over him. It felt like coming home after a long day. It felt like the smell of warm cookies straight from the oven. It felt like sunlight on a summer’s day. It felt like waking up in someone’s arms. It felt right.

“How long?” Buck breathed once they’d pulled apart, his forehead pressed to Eddie’s.

“You saved my son from a tsunami,” Eddie kissed Buck’s knuckles. “I didn’t realise at the time, but then you died, Buck, and all I could think was: that’s the love of my life.”

“I thought I was going to die,” Buck whispered, gripping Eddie’s fingers tightly. “I was trapped under that firetruck, and I thought I was going to die, and you held my hand. Everyone else was trying to get it off me, and I was so scared, but you held my hand and I knew I could get through it.”

“Buck-” Eddie started, cupping the back of Buck’s head to support it as he pressed a kiss into his hair.

“And then the well collapsed on top of you,” Buck pulled back to stare earnestly into Eddie’s face. “And I tried to dig you out with my bare hands, but how could I live without you when I was so in love?”

“Stay.” Eddie blurted out, before he could do something stupid like propose. He pressed another kiss to Buck’s lips. “Stay tonight. Not on the sofa. Stay with me.”

~

Chimney was in hospital for two weeks, and it was another two before he was strong enough for socialising. As his wedding had been in the hospital and his reception cancelled, the 118 had worked together to throw him a party.

It was in Bobby and Athena’s back garden, which had been decorated within an inch of its life. Lights had been strung with military precision. Enough flowers to fill a florist had been professionally arranged. A biodegradable-friendly balloon arch adorned the back door, leading to the kitchen/diner where silver serving dishes sat, filled with piles of Bobby’s greatest hits, and traditional Korean wedding food provided by Mr and Mrs Lee.

It was Buck’s handiwork, and Eddie was proud.

It had involved a clipboard, and Eddie was in love.

The night drew on and Eddie couldn’t stop staring at Buck. He didn’t know if it was the moonlight in his hair, or the sparkle in his eyes, or the alcohol in Eddie’s veins, but he had never looked more beautiful.

“Dance with me?” Eddie asked, holding his hand out, as Moon River came on the sound system, and Buck took it with a smile. Eddie led Buck to the dance floor and let Buck nestle against his front, head on his shoulder, arms around his waist. Eddie fixed his arms tight around Buck’s shoulders and pressed a kiss into his hair as he gently swayed them to the music. “This is perfect. You’ve done an amazing job.”

“I had help,” Buck pressed his face into Eddie’s neck, and Eddie smiled fondly.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Buck grinned. “I had a pretty great boyfriend who sat there as eye-candy, and didn’t take away my clipboard.” If they hadn’t been pressed together so tightly, and Eddie hadn’t been so relaxed and sluggish, he would have given a full-body laugh. Instead he gave a chuckle and pressed another kiss to Buck’s head.

“Well, I had some pretty great eye-candy, too,” He gave a quick squeeze. “I love you.”

“I know,” Buck mumbled into Eddie’s neck, then laughed as Eddie tried to pull away, faux-offended. “I love you too.”

“You’re staying at ours tonight, right?” Eddie asked, as though Buck had spent more than two nights at a time at his own place since they’d got together. “Chris was asking.”

“Chris was asking?” Buck teased, pulling away slightly so Eddie could see the laughter in his eyes. “Or you were asking?” Eddie blushed, but grinned fondly.

“OK, we’re both asking,” he dragged the answer out like he was embarrassed, but he wasn’t. Buck knew he was desperate for his boyfriend to stay the night, the weekend, the week.

“Of course I’m staying,” Buck insisted, tipping his head to look up at Eddie from the comfort of his shoulder. “I’d stay forever if you asked me.” Eddie met Buck’s lips and held him in a long, slow kiss. Everything around them ceased to exist, just Buck and Eddie together, dancing and kissing, bathed in moonlight and twinkling LEDs. Eddie smiled as they broke apart and rested his forehead against Buck’s.

“Forever it is.”