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~Eiji~
It’s 5:45 am. I can’t sleep. I wasn’t able to ever since I found out. But Sing is making me to. Or at leat tries. He makes sure I’m alone and it’s quiet around so I can get some sleep. But it’s all in vain. And he knows it too, and yet he doesn’t quit. He is doing for me what I can’t do for myself.
It’s dark outside. Dark and cold, and yet I have my window open and I stay on it’s edge inhaling the cold, harsh air. I can’t even feel it anymore. I have stayed like this for so long that not only I got used to it, but it’s like we have merged on some level.
It’s quiet. Really quiet. I can hear nothing but the wind. The agressive, frozen wind. It’s making the trees rustle. It’s not quiet anymore. But I really enjoy this. I like hearing the wind disturb the slience that has been for so long.
Sing’s worried I’ll catch a cold if I keep staying on my window like this. He even gave me a room on the ground floor so I can’t do something crazy. Like that could stop me if I really wanted to do something. But I know where he’s coming from. One cold corpse is enough.
Now that I think about it, I don’t think he even had time to process evrything. He was always busy with doing and preparing things for tomorrow. Maybe it’s better this way. Or maybe not, because it’s just delaying the inevitable. And when he finally lets everything sink in, there would not be anyone anymore to comfort him. Everyone would have gone back to their old lifes like nothing even happened. How could they? Something did happen. How could anyone go back to how things were before? Nothing would be like before. Nothing is normal anymore.
These days, I’ve tried my best to avoid the people who came by. I don’t have the energy to talk about him or his life. I just want time to stop. I don’t want 11 am to come. I don’t want to get dressed in that suit. I don’t want to see all those flowers. I don’t want to see all those people. I don’t want some strangers to give random speeches about him. None of them actually knew him. I don’t want time to pass anymore. I want to go back. I want to make time turn back. 3 days. That’s all I ask. Take me back 3 fucking days. To be just a normal december day. December 20, not 22nd.
How am I supposed to move from this place? How am I supposed to go back for the second time without him? How? Just...how?
Why wasn’t it me?
~
It is 7:39 am.
Sing came a while back to check on me. Of course he yelled at me and immediately took me out of the freezing room, sat me down in his room and put a blanket on me. Another conversation, another lecture about my well being. I’m tired of it. Why doesn’t he look in the mirror? Cause I’m sure he hasn’t slept at all either. I guess we are the same. Always looking out for others.
I stayed put on the bed a while while he sat in his chair. We were both looking at the ground, not saying anything. There was nothing left to say.
At one point I stood up and went to the window. It started snowing. Slow and steady, it snowed. It was really pretty. It was calming. It was perfect.
I ask him what time it is. 8:32 am. We sat in complete silence almost an hour. Time is slowly running out and I am terrified. I know it’s coming. It’s coming and I don’t want it. The last time. I hate it. It’s all I have left and I hate it with every part of my body. After that I won’t have a motive for not going back to normal. What the hell am I supposed to do after? What am I supoosed to do?
I don’t want to live in a world without him.
Another thing that I hate. People just don’t get it. It’s like they never experienced loss in their life. How could they be positive about all this? ”You’ll get though this.” ”It will eventually pass.” ”The pain won’t last forever.” And how the fuck do they know? Have they forgot the pain they once felt? Was it even pain then if it’s so easily forgotten? Did they even care for the ones that they lost? I can’t imagine it being this easy.
I looked over at Sing who is now standing beside me, admiring the snow. But neither of us is admiring the snow. It’s just an excuse to not look so pitiful anymore.
Time passed and we didn’t even notice. Someone knocked at the door. It was 9 am already. We had to start getting ready. We had to start the process. We had to get ready for the last time for him. I look at Sing who was already looking at me. ”Please.” I could read it in his eyes. I nod. I was not about to make another scene because he looks like he is barely holding on for himself. It’s not about me. He wasted enough time on me. And now we didn’t have time for that.
I went back into my room which was now warm. The suit was layed down on my bed. There is also a coat on a hanger. I started putting it on. I took my time. This was the last time I would see him after all. I want it to be as perfect as it could be. At least my outside will look nice.
With every piece of clothing I put on I can feel the tears gathering up. No. This isn’t about me. Today is about him.
When I was done, I looked in the mirror. I looked so formal. Why does it have to be this formal? It’s like I’m going to meet someone for a buisness deal. It’s like I’m going to talk to a stranger and I have to make a good impression. ”This is to pay out respects.” By already drifting apart? By looking like a bunch of office people in a grave yard? What respects? It was nice to meet you, now I’ll forget everything about you in the next week maximum? It’s like we are wearing these clothes to already grow apart from that perosn. Then what’s the point? I don’t want to wear this stupid clothes. I don’t want to become strangers. I don’t want to forget him. No. Today it is not about me.
I have the tie in my hand and I’m struggling to put it on. This piece of clothing just refuses to cooperate with me. It’s like it tries to stop the inevitable, or at least to delay it a little bit. And it’s succeding. I guess I should be thankful for that. A piece of clothing is my espace. And my hands are not super helpful either. All they know to do these days is shake. Stupid body.
I finaly succeded tying it. I stare at myself in the mirror. It’s almost like I’m a completely different person. I hate the mask that I have to wear for this event. Which is not even an event. It’s our last time seeing each other and there will be so many people. I won’t get to say goodbye properly. It’s also a closed casquette, so I will never see him again.
The only thing left from him are those very few photos that I took while he was not looking. Although I’m pretty sure he knew every single time, but he would play along. He didn’t want to make a scene and I think he quite actually liked the attention. Of course he did.
I got lost in my thoughts because someone knocked at the door. I already know. They don’t even need to say it. I look down at the floor, back into the mirror, then I reach out for the coat and I put it on. I took my camera and I put it in my pocket. I need something to remember.
I leave the room just to find Sing staying next to my door. Arms crossed, with one foot on the wall, he looks like he has been here a while.
He doesn’t say a word, just proceeds to walk towards the front door. What is he supposed to say anyway? I follow him, not saying anything as well.
We take a seperate car from the others. Just the two of us. He drives and I sit in the passanger’s seat. The radio is not on. The journey towards the cemetery is silent. Just our breathing and the car’s engine can be heard. Nothing else.
When we arrive, Sing immediately stops the car, but neither of us gets out or even makes a move to get out. We just sit there, staring at the car in front of us, both with our heads full, in even more silence now.
”We should go”, Sing finally says.
”Okay”, is all I say.
I opened my door, put my feet on the ground and just stare at the half empty chairs. I don’t want to get out of the car. Sing sits next to my door looking at the chairs as well. After a couple more minutes, Sings looks at me and I know it’s time. I can’t delay it anymore. I have to go. I sight and exit the car, closing the door slowly. Nothing has to be rushed today.
I face the car for a few more seconds and then I finally fully face the grave. Sing was looking at me, wishing he would not have to go there right now.
We slowly get closer and we are met with gazes from the other people there. Everyone is saying what were supposed to be comforting words, but they meant nothing for the both of us. I don’t want to hear anything right now. But how could they know? They don’t.
We sat somewhere in the back, niether of us wanting to be right next to the coffin, so that the rest of the people can have a peaceful service. Some of them are still staring at us. They’ll get bored eventually.
It’s 10:45. The chairs are almost full. The time is almost up. The moment has almost arrived. I don’t want it to come. I want to be 10:45 for the rest of my life. I wish time would freeze.
I look around helpless. These people will never know him as I knew him. Did they even knew him just a little bit? I have never seen these people in my life and I’ve met almost everyone that was close to him. And yet here they are. Like they are almost laughing in my face.
I look everywhere except the place where the coffin is supposed to be. It’s not here yet. Of couse it’s not. Of course it wouldn’t be this simple. It wouldn’t be him if it were.
These few remaining minutes feel like an eternity. This is what I prayed for, but not like this. This just feels like torture. Now I just want to get it over with so I can go home away from everybody.
It wasn’t snowing anymore by the time we arrived here. I just noticed that. Even the weather doesn’t want to be on his side. Cause snow was what he wished for his death day. Or at least he would always joke that being burried in snow is better than being burried in the ground. The ground doesn’t awaken any emotion within you, unlike the snow. ”What a poetic way to go.”, he’d always say.
Lost in my own thoughts, I didn’t even notice when six men carrying a coffin were slowly approaching. Everyone gasping and fake crying is what brought me back to reality. How could everybody here be such good actors? I was immediately pissed, but Sing’s hand placed gently on my shoulder reminded me this is not the time. Although that was most certainly not his intention. He was just trying his best to somehow comfort me.
The moment the coffin is placed in the ground, tears just start running down my face. I don’t even notice until Sing’s grip becomes tighter. I wipe my tears but more would just replace those wiped. What was the point then?
I just stare at that thing where he is supposed to be and I cannot believe that this is really happening. This can’t be true right? He’s just playing his part so he can escape his gang leader life. He can’t leave me all alone. He will come after me. Right? Right?
~Ash~
It’s Tuesday. Just another Tuesday. Except today is my funeral.
I’m in the condo I rented a few months back. I have a perfect overview of the city. I have my binocular with me. The cemetery is a bit far, but I can still see what’s happening.
Everything seems to go according to the scheduel. No mess ups, no hiccups, no nothing. It goes suspiciosly smooth. Maybe just this time everything went as it shoud’ve had.
I look at everyone that is there. A bunch of nobodies, part of my gang, Blanca, who, even in this moment, has his usual blank stare, Yut Lunt, who cannot stop smiling for God’s sake, Sing and
.
.
.
Eiji... Eiji, my love... I feel like I’m gonna throw up. And I do. In the span of what felt like two minutes I vomit everything I ate in my entire life.
If I was to have one regret, he would be it. Why did I say ”If”? I don’t regret that I met him, no. I regret that he met me. He is too good for this world and, especially, for me.
They put my ”body” in the ground. I feel sick to my stomach. At the same time something in the back of my neck doesn’t even let me breathe anymore. I start to feel hot. I’m sweating profusely. And I want to cry, to scream, to do something, but I just fall to the ground. I’m on my knees, looking so pathetic for the first time in my life. But I don’t exist anymore, so it’s ok, right? It’s ok to express these totally human emotions, to act so understandably upset, to simply have a panick attack. For the first time in my life. I am free. Am I free? Will I ever trully be? And then I remember why all this stared.
Because of him. I fucking hate myself. I see Sing’s hand on his shoulder. And I...
.....
I’m never gonna be able to do that again. Never.
.....
What have I done? What have I done? What have I done? What have I done? What have I done? What have I done? Did I really do this? How could I? Am I crazy? How could I? No, no, no, no, no. NO. I didn’t think this though.
WHAT
HAVE
I
DONE
?
I what to take it back. This doesn’t feel right. No. No. I will never touch him again. I will never feel him breating. I will never get to hold him, to feel his hand into mine, to feel his skin on mine, to just feel him there. I will never be able to be near him again.
I wanna run in that goddamn cemetery and wipe away his tears, take all his pain away and tell him that I’m here and it’s gonna be okay. All is gonna be okay. I run towards the door. I take the doorknob in my hand. I pause. I can’t do this. It’s not true. It’s not gonna be okay, not with me there, he’s gonna suffer. He’s gonna live a painful life. I have to set him free.
This is it.
Fuck.
Fuck. My. Life.
I don’t wanna believe this. I can’t believe this. Why didn’t I think this through? How could I? Life was fucked up as it was, I just had to make it worse. Did I? I did. Of course I did. I feel like I can’t breathe. I wanna scream at the top of my lungs until my vocal cords break but all that gets out are a few silent sobs and a hell lot of tears. I sit there, pathetically crying on my knees. This is so pathetic. Truly. What have I become? Ash Lynx is no more. Nor Aslan Jade Callanreese. Who am I?
~
It’s been around 2 months since my burrial. I’m still pathetic. That’s all I know about who I am. I have barely left this convo. I shaved my head. I’ve lost a lot of weight because I am barely eating. I began questioning everything. Was it really worth it? Was it worth losing him for this so called ”life”? Am I living? Barely. And with imense regret and guilt. Was hiding here worth losing him? I am not free anyway. I still feel trapped and watched by everyone. Everytime I stepped foot out of the condo I feel like everyone knows who I am or who I was and what I’ve done. I see their faces everywhere. And at every step I am prepared for someone to jump me. Will I ever unlearn this lifestyle? If I can call it that. Will I ever be able to live a ”normal life”? Was it worth it?
I don’t think it was. But there’s nothing I can do now. Anything I would do would cause even more harm. Everyone is better this way. If not, at least, he’s better this way. And of that I am certain. I don’t care abut myself as long as he’s safe. I could die.
~
I wake up and it’s just another morning, after the many that were before, where I still am woken up by the same nightmare. Eiji is being captured. I gather everyone. We go there. I see him in chains. I get close enogh. And then. Boom. Bullet to my head. I am, once again, helpless and useless. The night nightmares weren’t enough. I have to have this one every morning as well. ’Cause life was to sweet otherwise.
I get up. I sit at the end of the bed for at least 15 minutes. At least that’s what they felt like. It could have been a minute or an hour for that matter. I can’t tell time lately.
I get up on my feet this time. I change clothes ’cause the ones I slept in are drenched in sweat. I can’t be bothered to shower. It’s not like I’m gonna meet anybody today anyway. I wanna throw up. Just for the sake of it. Just because I can do it. Just to feel alive. I wanna cut my arm off. Just to see what happens. A new one ain’t gonna grow. But maybe I will die. Do I want to die? I think I want to die.
~
I decided that I am not gonna kill myself. Or try to slowly cease to exist. Becasue if I do I made him go through all of that for nothing. And I don’t want his suffering to be in vain. He’s still in the city. I can’t go out much. Only to buy what’s necessary. And even then I feel like he’s gonna see me. I feel like he is hiding somewhere close ready for me to come out of this goddamn condo and just yell at me for being such a fucking idiot.
I slowly started to put on back the weight I’ve lost. I don’t look like I am 2 minutes away from evaporating anymore. I can’t feel my bones when I’m sitting anymore. The amount of body hair that grows on my body is not excesive anymore. I can squeeze myself and feel something else than bones. That makes me happy for some reason. Because it would have made him happy. That’s why.
I let my hair grow but I die it black every week. I know it ain’t much, but I need to be doing something to my appearence so I am less likely to get recognised. Should I get contacts too?
Soon enough I will be switching locations, but I need a fake identity and I just wasn’t in the right head to do that so far. I need to get on that. I need a name. What name suits me? How should I call myself?
~
Jay Blythe. Good enough. I moved to Europe. Prague to be exact. Somewhere where I can’t be reached. I would have moved to somewhere where no one had any contacts like in Africa but I would’ve stood out immediately. So I compromised. More risky, but safer at the same time. I really can’t explain it. Still, Blanca found me. He traced me not long after I moved here. Wasn’t expecting less from him. After all, he is the one who taught me a lot of what I know. I’m not too worried about it though, he knows how to keep a secret and he promised to keep me updated with what’s happening over there.
I got a small one bedroom apartment in the suburbs. It’s been about 6 months since I have moved here. I got a pretty good hold of the language already so I start to blend it more everyday. I read in these 6 months more books that I had in my entire life. I bought a guitar. It seemed like the right thing to do. I started leaning how to play. I go on walks everyday and I work out consistently. I learned how to cook. And I learned a lot of the local cuisine. I got a dog. I love him so much. I named him ”Okito”. I call him Oki. What am I doing with my life?
Am I just gonna continue living this life in vain?
I ran away from Eiji. Why is he still doing there? He should’ve gone home. That was the plan. Why is he not sticking to my plan? I’m powerless. There’s nothing I can do. Do I even know how to hold a gun anymore?
~
I wake up. A nightmare. Again. I get up. I go into the bathroom. I lean onto the sink. I look into the mirror. My hair is back to the lenght it was before I died. Except now is black. I really hate how it looks on me. I dont’t think it suit me. But that’s really not important. It suits Jay. And that’s all that matters.
I have to forget about my life before I became Jay. I am not that person anymore. Ash is no longer. I need to move on. I have to move on. That will be better for everyone.
I make my way lazily back to the bed. I lay down facing the ceiling. I know I won’t be able to fall asleep. I just lay there pathetically. And I wonder where I went wrong.
Lost in my own thoughts I notice how a sunshine is coming through the curtains and it’s hitting my wall. I really dozed off. I didn’t even notice when the night became day. It’s not unusual, though. I’m getting used to that. Me, my thoughts and the young night. What a treat.
I debate if I should get up. I have nothing special going on. I do need to feed Oki though. I feel so bad sometimes ’cause I was so selfish for adopting him. I didn’t do it because I really loved animals. I did it to make my loneliness go away and to have a reson why I should get up every morning. I am a bad person.
~
I haven’t heard anything frome the US for a while. I don’t know if I should get worried ’cause Blanca is really persistent.
I want to go back so bad. Not only to the US, but in time. To not build this life, to not take this path, but on the other side, if I weren’t on this path, I wouldn’t have met him. But look at me now. Was it worth it knowing him for a short period of time and ruining his life? I don’t think so. His life got turned upside down because he met me. Me. Who am I to do that to him. I’m not that importnat. I never were. And i came to know him pretty well, so I know he won’t just go home and move on, because there is one thing that we are the same in, and that is our stuborness. I don’t know if I hate it or not, but I know of this nature.
I’m growing more impacient with every passing day. I want to go back to him, to feel his hair on my hand, to hear his laugh again, to feel his touch, his warmth, to have someone prepare me breakfast and then yell at me as I’m eating it, to have someone sharing the same stubborness that he won’t leave my side, to be waken up violently by him, i would give my life in a heartbeat to live like that even for just one more day, but it would ruin him all over again. I’m not worth it. I’m very much aware of it. And the fact that I don’t get any updates at all is gonna put me in the grave way sooner than I have anticipated.
The only thing keeping me sane at the moment is Oki. I can’t let him just like that. No animal deserves to be treated badly, even when it has a shitty, fucked up owner like me.
~
I have finally received a message from the States. Eiji refuses to leave. Ibe and Sing are doing their best, but he fells like he is betraying me by leaving, especially so soon. Soon? It’s been already almost a year, he should leave and forget all about me. He even got a job so he can extend his visa for as long as he wants. What an idiot.
I start to cry. I miss him so much it fucking hurts. I cry so much that I end up a ball on the floor. My chest hurts. The most painful cry I had ever experienced. I thought I was getting better. I thought I was slowly getting over him. No, I don’t think I will ever be able to get over him. He is the best person I have ever met. Too good for me, and yet I can’t forget him. He will haunt me my entire life and remind me of what I have lost. Remind me what kindness is. What love feels like. And that I am actually more that my life. My past life. He saw through that. He is the first one to see through that. He helped me so much to actually feel like a person for once, and not like a monster. Like the devil as everyone kept calling me. And I destroyed him. Go back home for fucks sake! You don’t need to mourn me. I don’t deserve to be mourned. Especially not for that long.
~
I’m starting to miss it. The never ending honking, the rush hours, the endless crowds, the chase, the people... my people. This is not good. I need to get myself together. Missing life back home will not do anybody any good. I’m starting to miss all of it. I cannot adapt to life here. Not fully. Sure, I can fool myself and everybody around me and say that I do, that I did, but deep down I know the real truth. And I do not want to accept it. I shouldn’t feel this way. It is too dangerous to reminiscence about the past and linger onto it. I need to let it go. Let the past be in the past...
But I am so incredibly lonely. I never expected this feeling to posses me. I always wanted to be left alone, to have some me time. Maybe it was because there were so many eyes on me at all time that I never felt alone, but maybe this is also the reason why I feel so alone right now. Sure, I had a lot of people watching my every move, but I was also surrownded by a crowd almost all of the time. And I was never truly alone. This solitude that I wanted for so long turns out to not be so beneficial.
Sometimes I feel it so deeply, that my chest starts to ache. My heart starts to hurt. It’s a feeling I never felt before, or rather I never allowed myself to feel. Now I have all of the time in the world and nobody to look tough for, so I’ve been letting myself sit with my feelings.
It’s like my heart is telling me that this is not ok. I do not belong here. That I left something on the other side of the ocean and I need to go back for it. But I just... can’t. I can’t do that. I could never do that.
The conclusion I have come to: I don’t like this. I have too much free time on my hands. I don’t wanna have the time to feel all of this anymore. I just wanna go back home and forget about evrything.
But that won’t happen.
So I put my time towards playing the guitar instead. It has been going decently until now. I can’t say I’m entierly fond of it, but it occupies my time and I can express how I’m feeling other that looking through my window for hours on end. Who would’ve guessed? Ash Lynx, former gang leader, in now expressing his emotions through singing. This is utterly ironic. Such a beast doing such a delicate thing.
~
These emotions just refuse to leave me alone. I don’t wanna feel them anymore. I don’t want to. I’m tired. So incredibly tired. Even though I sleep so much, now that I have somewhat got my nightmares under control, I am exhausted. I hate living. Why did I have to survive? Just to feel all of this pain? Was it really worth it if I am suffering so much right now?
I am scared to ask for updates on Eiji because I can feel it. I can feel that he is not doing better. He might be even worse. He is such a caring soul that I know this affected him so much. Oh, how I wish it didn’t. How I wish he didn’t care for me. How I wish he’d never met me.
~
It has been three years since that day. I’m finally back in New York. It feels empty. Eiji went back home 3 months ago after Ibe basically dragged him to the airport. Good, he needs to be with his family. The guys miss him. He has become part of the gang and they all grew very close to one another. But it was time. He needed to leave or he would’ve never moved on. I hope he will move on and forget me. Ibe will take it from here and should know what to do.
As soon as I heard from Blanca that he was leaving New York it was like I weas being possesed. I immediately booked a fligh and got this urge to go back there. Even tho I have nothing to go back to. He is not here anymore, everyone thinks I’m dead and I can’t even be a gang leader anymore. What did I return to? Ashes and past regrets? Maybe it’s the familiarity. I’m not even safe here. If they find out I’m back, I really am dead. But, hey, I have been doing this for so long. I can do it for a bit longer. I won’t give up now. This is for the better. Maybe this is how things should have been.
I took Oki with me. I grew so attached to this dog. He remind me of him in some ways. I think it’s the unconditional love. The only beeings that offered me that.
I don’t really know why I came back. Especially after so much times has passed. Six years. Six long and agonizing years. My life was so much easier in Prague and so much safer. But something in me urged to come back. To this shittown I grew to know every inch of. Maybe it’s because here are my most precious memories. My memories with him.
~
I took guitar really seriously while in Prague and I have gotten pretty damn good at it. I had nothing else to do but to read and learn guitar. Blanca suggested that I should play to an actual audience after I told him that I learned guitar. I told him he’s insane, but he assured me that everybody stopped looking for me a long time ago and now I look so diffrent that people who were not close to me will have no idea who I am. Just another wannabe singer. That’s what he said I will be. He also said it will be good for me. To get out of the house and interact with other people. Maybe he wants to see me. It has been six years after all.
I don’t know if I should do it. It doens’t sound half bad, but is it worth it to actually risk everything I have suffered so much for?
~
I am setting up everything. I still prefer an acoustic guitar even after all this time. Something about the cozy atmosphere that it brings just can’t be replaced or obtained with any other type of guitar. I love how it echoes through the whole bar. I sometimes, if it’s empty enough, feel the vibrations come back to me. It’s a strage feeling. I feel the notes I sang some time ago like I’m hearing them for the first time.
I love Thursdays. Because everydoby knows it’s music night and it becomes more crowded. I love playing even for just a couple of people, but having a crowd surround you while you play is just another type of sensation. I missed feeling connected with somebody. Even if it mens a crowd, I can make peace with that.
I am ready to start my set. I go on stage. People start to cheer for me. I see a lot of familiar faces. I greet everybody and welcome them back. I thank them for coming to my gigs, some of them every week. Somebody shouts that they bought me a drink and it awaits me at the bar. They know I don’t accept anything that is not from the bartender. I accept with a smile and everybody seems to laugh a little. I like that. I like that after all of the suffering that I have brought into this world, now I can make people feel good. Even if just for a while. I really like that.
I ask around the crowd if there are any requests. I hear a couple, some that I can fufill, others that I tell them that they gotta be here next week to hear them. Everybody is pleased with that.
And now I really start my set. The lights are dimmer, but still bright enough that I can still interact with the crowd. I get through the first song and everybody cheers. Same for the second and the third. Even the people that are not directly in front of me are enjoying the music. I see people all over the bar get quiter so they can hear the music better. There are people that I see every week but who never join the crowd. I get that. There’s no need. As long as I can be of service and make somebody’s day a bit better, I don’t really care how they enjoy the show.
I am preparing for the song that is never missing from my setlist despide the requests: ”The one that got away”. It’s my favourite and, surprisingly enough, a crowd pleaser. That or just everybody got to love it over time. I always start singing this song with a smile. Because it remind me of him, of course. That smile slowly fades away each time, but today it seems like it wants to stay on. And I see in the crowd that it is contagious. I get carried away. This usually doen’t happen. I am very calculated, even when it comes to art.
People are still coming in. I am gald that I can help out and that my little show is bringing in more customers. Feels good to give something back for once. Something good. I briefly close my eyes to feel everything better. I want to take it all in. Who knew I would become the type of person to care so much about such mundane things and not take it for granted? I am in disbelief myself of how things turned out. Everybody is feeling this song deeply and enjoying it to the fullest. The highlight of the night if I say so myself. This is so calming and... healing. Who would have thought that people would help me heal?
”Ash?”
I freeze. I would recognize that voice anywhere. Absolutely anywhere, even through my coffing. Even as I am living in my 9th life and I haven’t heard it since my first. How? I was so careful. I feel my heart aching. I am making myself smaller. Or is that just how I feel? Small, fragile, exposed. I don’t wanna look up. No. This cannot be happening.
”ASH?!”
What the fuck do I do? The voice was closer this time. I stopped playing. It doesn’t matter anymore. Everybody is wispering. The crowd is confused and concerned. I need to do something but my body won’t move. My head is tilted down and my gaze is on the floor. Why now? Why here? What the fuck?
I was not prepared for this. I don’t think I would’ve ever been. How could I be? I left him alone. I left him. I left him. And now he’s here. And he knows it’s me, of course he does. Can I look him in the eyes? Do I still have that right?
I finally look up. It’s... him. Of course it is. I already knew that, but I just didn’t want to believe it. We make eye contact and it shatters my heart. If it was a bit quieter I think you could hear it break. I look at him and I don’t know what to do. He looks older. He has deep dark circles now. His eyes are empty. His mouth open like he wants to say something but can’t find the right words. I am gripping my guitar with all my streght and I just want to dissaper. I don’t want to face him. I don’t wanna know how much pain I have caused him. I don’t wanna know how he is piecing everything together right now and this time I think I can hear his heart break. No, no, no, no. I knew everything was a bit too good to be true. I just couldn’t have a little bit of peace.
I am filled with so much shame, guilt, fear and I know he can feel it. I am just like a raindeer in headlights. What is comming in unavoidable, quick, grotesque, sad and so incredible painful.
”What the fuck?”
He gets closer, but he is very cautious. Very understandable. It’s like he’s scared I’ll dissapear. Who could blame him? I can’t say anything. Nobody else but us understands what is happening. The crowd doesn’t know how to react.
”You’re alive? After all this time?”
His gaze goes from pure shock to an anger that I have never seen before from him. Oh, this is bad, very, very bad. How the fuck do I explain everything to him? Would he listen? Can he forgive me? I am already thinking of forgiveness like am I worthy of it.
We keep staring into eachothers eyes. I am truly at a loss for words. I have no idea what to say, so I end up not saying anything. He’s getting more and more angry and impacient as he pieces everything together. How fucking stupid I am. For comning back, for thinking this would actually work, for putting him through this, for everything.
His eyes darken.
”Hell nah, fuck this.”
He turns around and starts to walk away. I have waited for too long. I should have said something and still here I am unable to move my body as I’m watching him climb the stairs towards the exit. I sit frozen while this awful feeling takes over me. I need to move. If he gets away, I won’t get a second change at this. To possibly try to explain myself. The adrenaline hits me. I throw my guitar on the floor and I sprint for the door, I climb three stairs at a time and I’m praying that everything doesn’t go to shit.
I exit the bar. I look at the right, nothing, I look at the left and... there he is. Of couse he didn’t run. Of course he waited for me. Of course he’d still be here. That’s Eiji. But he doesn’t face me. His back turned to me, head is tilted down and I can swear he is crying. I’m such a fool.
I know he knows I have come after him, but neither of us has the courage to face eachother. I reach my hand towards him but I just can’t touch him. I couldn’t. I don’t deserve it. Not after everything that I have put him through.
”How could you...?”
He finally says, his voice shaking, gasping for air from the crying. Oh, how I wish to just hug him and tell him that everything is gonna be alright. To feel his body against mine, to feel him close, something I have missed like hell. But it’s too selfish of me to do that.
”Are you really not gonna say anything?”
I open my mouth but nothings comes out. I don’t even know how to start. How do you start such a conversation? What could I possibly say to make this ok?
”Ok, I got it.”
He starts to walk away. This time he’s serious. This time he won’t wait for me. I need to do something, to say something. With every step that he takes I know he breaks a little more and I can’ t do this to him. I can’t live even a second more knowing he is in pain.
”Eiji!”
He doesn’t stop. I start sprinting. I can’t let him get away. I catch him and I have put myself in front of him so he can’t get any further away. We’re face to face and my hands on his shoulders. These shoulders that were once so familiar and still feel like home. He doesn’t look at me.
”H-How did you know it was me?”
He looks at me with the most frustrated look.
”That’s the first thing that you say to me after six years? Six fucking years? How do you think I knew. Are you stupid? The same way you knew it was me just by hearing my voice. One look at your eyes and I knew. Someone could carve flowers out of them and I would still recognise them.”
Of course I started with the dumbest question out there. I let go of his shoulders. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say. I avoid his eyes. His angry, frustrated, sad, betrayed eyes. I put my hands through my hair and I feel like I’m gonna pass out.
”I’m sorry...”
There is an uncomfortably long pause.
”That’s the best you can do?”
”No...it’s not. I don’t know what I could say or do to make this better, but I am so sorry.”
”This is absolutely pathetic.”
He starts to walk away. Fuck.
”I was so fucking stupid.” I shout. He stops in his tracks. This is good. He wants to listen. ”I thought you would forget about me and live a long, happy, peaceful life without me. I wanted to lie and convince myself that that would be the case, but deep down I knew that I was wrong. We cared too much about eachother. You cared too much about me. And I have put you through so much. I don’t deserve your forgiveness or your understanding and I know that but I can’t help but hope for them. I don’t know how I could’ve been that reckless and I’m so fucking sorry. Everyday without you was torture and I know by saying this it doesn’t make it easier for you, but I have missed you so fucking much and all I want right now is just to hug you...”
I slowly look up just to meet his gaze for a little bit. I’m so incredibly ashamed.
”Then why don’t you?”
”That would be the most selfish thing to do right now.”
”Well, you should. Try to use that brain of yours. You are not the only one who desperately wants that.”
That was enough for me hear. I run towards him and basically tackle him in the most tight hug ever. I missed him. I burry my head into his shoulder. I missed his scent, his hair, his skin. I missed him so fucking much. He’s hesitant as first, as if afraid to break me, but I feel him hugging me back and quietly crying in my shoulder. We stay like that for a while. Both of us frozen, not wating it to end.
”I hate you so much.”
”I know. I deserve it.”
”Yeah, you absolutely do. Because what the fuck Ash?”
He backs away from my hug, but doesn’t let go of me completely, he looks me straight in the eyes, waiting for me to say something. I don’ know what I should say. He is in pieces. I want to say both of us are, but I don’t think I have that priviledge.
”Do you want to sit down?” I finally ask. He nods looking into the ground, still holding my hands.
We sit down on the nearest curb. No time to look for something fancy or what people would find appropriate. Like either of us cares. He lets go of my hands as we sit down and he hugs his knees, tears still slowly rolling on his cheeks.
”I’m an idiot.” He sideeyes me agreeinlgly. ”If you don’t want to ever see me after tonight, I completely understand that. But please, let me explain.” He fully looks at me now, giving me permission to continue. ”I was so stupid.” I feel the tears starting to come in. ”I know I was. At the time I truly thought there was no better way to end the mess that I was in and that you got caught in. It has been way too long and I just wanted all of it to end. I knew I was gonna hurt you and I still did it. And I’m so sorry for that. No amount of apologies is ever gonna make what I did right. And I had no right to put you through that. I’m not trying to excuse myself. There is no excuse. I think I was at my limit... I couldn’t drag it on. If I had, I feared it would have killed us both. To me, the only logical thing it was for just one of us to die. That one being me, of course. I would never let anything happen to you. But they have tried so many times to kill me and haven’t succeded. I would only die when I wanted to. And that is exactly what I did. My only regret was leaving you. I don’t regret leaving anything else behind . My life was a long chain of sins and misery and you were the only good thing about that hell. I never wanted to leave you behind, but every scenario where we would have ran away together ended up in chaos and death. I couldn’t do that to you. A life on the run. No. You deserve so much more. Better than a life with me. Nothing good came of me.”
”And who are you to decide all of that for me?” He shouts while having streams of tears running down his face.
”No-no one... I had no right.” I say as I take my eyes off of him and stare in the ground hugging my knees.
”Damn right you didn’t. The only thing we can agree on is that you are an idiot.” And I swear I can see the end of his lips curl up just a tiny bit. ”I could never move on. I never left New York. I saw you everywhere, even though you were nowhere to be found. When I saw you playing on stage I fully believed I was imagining it. I couldn’t comprehend what was happening and that you were right in front of me. Maybe I just didn’t want it to be true, because that meant that you left me. And now you’re back? Why are you back? Why now?”
”Because I though you left. I thought you went back to Japan and it was safe to return. I wanted to came back to the only place it ever felt like home, even though it left like home just because of you. I wanted to be back in the city where we had spent so much time together.”
”Who told you I left?”
”Blanca.”
”Blanca?”
”Yeah. He figured it out and tailed me not long after I felt.”
”Ash...Blanca is dead.”
”What? Since when?”
”Two years ago at this point.”
I drop my head in my hands.
”Oh my God, maybe I really am an idiot. Who the fuck have I been talking to for the past two years then...?” I pause. ”Was Sing still close to him when he died? ”
”Yeah.”
”Motherfucker. How did Blanca die?”
”Gang war. Shot in the side of the head.”
”He started a gang?”
”He took over when you died. Or left I guess. You think Sing was the one who took over your conversations?”
”Most likely. Why did he want me back here though?”
”...”
”Eiji?”
”He’s the one who suggested I come to the bar where you were playing. Said it had great live music.”
I started laughing.
”We both got played by him.”
”I guess he just couldn’t take my constant moaning about you anymore and made this reunion. Cocksucker.” Now I clearly see a smile on his face. I look at his beautiful face and I start smiling too. I don’t say anything. I don’t know what is appropiate to say anymore. I just admire.
”Why are you staring at me?”
”I just... missed your face. A lot.”
”Then why don’t you come closer to take a better look?”
”You’re not mad anymore?”
”No, I still want to beat you to a pulp, but I have missed you more than I’m angry. I just wanna know you are here.”
”I’m here.” I say as I get closer to him.
He turns to me, looks me in the eyes and gets even closer, our bodies touching now. We stare into each other’s eyes, not saying anything, trying to make up for lost time. His eyes are just as big and beautiful as the day I left. I can see the six years that have passed onto his face. Slight changes, but they are there.
”Don’t you dare leave me ever again.” He said in the most serious tone I have ever heard him use.
”I wouldn’t even dream of it. You are all I have and all I ever wanted.”
In this moment every bit of hurt and every bad thing that is in this world doesn’t exist, it doesn’t matter. It had dissapeared bit by bit while looking at the black voids that are my angel’s eyes. The void that has always absorbed all of my problems and worries, and that still does it even now, even after six years apart and after all of this suffering. He still cares for me. I can see it. How can he? What does he see in me?
”Ash?”
”Yeah?”
”Are you okay? You are looking through me.”
”Yeah, I’m fine.” I look away. I could never look him in the eyes while I lied to him.
”Don’t bullshit me.”
”How could you care about me? How can you still care? After everything I have done to you. You should despise me.”
”Ash... I am incredibly mad at you. But I am more relieved that you are here with me right now. Everything that you have done all of your life was to protect yourself, and sometimes you just didn’t know better, including now. You were a kid taking care of a whole village. And now you’re what 24? You are still a kid. A very stupid kid. How could you ask me that?”
”I’m sorry... I’m not doubting you I just... can’t understand how could someone like you care about someone like me. Genuinely. I hurt you so fucking much and you still look at me with kindness. And that’s just who you are. And I am just a brute.”
”No, you’re not. Would a brute be crying right now?” I didn’t even realise I started crying.
”Would you ever be able to forgive me?”
”Maybe.” There is a long pause. ”I don’t want to admit it, but I think the moment I saw you I already did. Just knowing that you are alive and well washed everything away. I love you too much to not forgive you and to keep living without you.”
I stare at him in disbelief.
”I don’t deserve you.”
”I think what you meant was ’I love you too’. ”
”You already know that. I love you. I love you more than my life.”
”I know, I just wanted to hear you say it. We never did before. I guess it was not an appropriate time during a literal gang war.”
”I will say it as many times as you want until the day I die. I love you Eiji.”
”I love you Ash.”
We got progresively closer and closer and now we were so close that we breathed the same breath of air over and over again. I look at him, at his loving eyes and I know I have came home. I take his hand into mine. No protest from him. I just want to feel his skin on mine, to feel that he really is here and that I don’t have the best dream of my life. I put my head on his chest and he embraces me. Such a warm, welcoming embrace. I can no longer feel anger from him. Of course I don’t. He is too good to me to keep being angry. This is everything I could have asked and that I don’t deserve. I tilt up a bit to look him in the eyes.
”I really do not deserve you.”
He takes my faces into his hands and brings in closer to him.
”Plese shut up.” He says before he kisses me. The most gentle kiss from the person I love the most. I melt into it. It’s like my body is shutting down for the first time since I can remember and it’s letting loose. The survival mode that I have been in constatly dies slowly. Is it over? It is over. This whole nightmare that I have been living for the past six years it’s over. I’m here with him. And he is kissing me. He kissed me. I can feel him smile and I do the same, but the breaks the kiss short after.
”You are so cute when you have no idea what to do.” He says.
”Well excuse me for never having a sincere kiss before.”
We both laugh and stare at each other with so much love in our eyes for one another. He presses another kiss onto my lips. I cannot believe this is happening right now. I cannot believe he is here with me.
”Should we go to a more appropriate place?” He says.
”Yeah, we definetly should. You still live with Sing I suppose?”
”Yeah. Where do you live?”
”The apartment above the bar. Oh my God... The bar!! The show!!... I have so much explaining to do.” I drop my head into my hands again. How the fuck do I explain all of this to some strangers? I can’t.
”Come on.” I raise my head and I see Eiji already standing holding a hand out for me. I take his hand and get up. he takes both my hands into his and looks me in the eyes.
”We’ll do it together.”
I nod and we start to walk towards the bar hand in hand.
I don’t deserve him.
”By the way I have a dog now. His name is Oki.”