Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It started as a test, how long could this go on with no one realizing? Slowly it snowballed into a ‘who will be the first one to realize she wanted to disappear’ and the answer was no one; well not yet. Maxine didn’t have an end goal, she just wanted what MANG was before, she doesn’t even know what before because she can’t seem to truly define what the breaking point was, that started the earthquake so dramatic it shattered her life. Or maybe she was just dramatic.

Marcus would be back from rehab in a few weeks, she hasn’t spoken to him aside from the forced hellos’ her parents would make them give after they were fed up by her shitty mood towards her brother. She had texted a few times in the MANG groupchat, sent a few silly memes that would pop up on her phone and was responded by a blank lol or some laughing emojis from Norah and then silence. No one really texted her solo, well Abby did. She texted once talking about how she was sorry about the leaving out actions she had partaken in but she never continued the conversation the next day, Maxine ended it with thoughts of she was most likely drunk and just didn’t care enough to fix it the next day.

Since theater had ended she didn’t really have anything to do all dayl, she would occasionally go outside and she ran around the block once this summer before her chest started to ache and she couldn’t breathe. Her phone was her safe place, no one would text so she wasn’t bombarded with accusations or complaints about her personality and it seemed people on the internet knew her better than anyone did ever. Now, Maxine knows she has always been a bit of an attention seeker, I mean that’s why she loves being the lead in the play; all eyes are on her and everyone is paying attention to her.

It started with a 3am doomscroll through her for you page, which was flooded with tiktoks that matched her every thought, the algorithm will do that. These vent accounts would pop up during her scroll, girls her age crying with captions depicting exactly how alone or sad she feels and she just felt a connection towards them like she knew how they were feeling. So she made a new account.

What was odd is, she didn’t want to turn off contact connections. She didn’t feel uneasy knowing anyone with her number could easily find this account that she feels like she could post all her deep dark twisty secrets onto, but she turned it off just for the sake of her mind. She hadn’t meant to get addicted to Tiktok, i mean everyone she had talked to said not to get it because you will become a tiktok obsessed zombie but now no one talks to her, and the internet… well the internet does talk to her. She found her algorithm quickly, videos that made her feel complete and seen were after every scroll and the tears didn’t make her want to stop.

July came and went, by now she had grown into a sort of routine. Marcus had been home for a bit, he still hadn’t spoken a single sentence to her and she did try; she would go into his room and he would turn his back not even muttering a get out. She would wake up around ten, no matter when she went to bed it was always ten but she never saw the sun her curtains were always drawn shut. Her parents barely went in the room, if they were ever upstairs it was to make sure Marcus was okay, alive. Sometimes she heard him sneak out, or maybe she heard Ginny sneak in but if she did she never came to her door. The moment she woke up to the moment she fell asleep she was on her phone, it was her safe space afterall. She had grown a bit of a following on Tiktok, posting multiple times a day and everyone loved her on there they would comment things that Maxine could sympathize with and they would leave her hearts on tragic posts, a few times she would spot a comment calling her dramatic and her followers would already be under it insulting the guys facial features and defending Max. She felt happy when she was online, so many people adored her and it just made her feel on top of the shitty world that was crumbling below her.

Sometimes though, when the thoughts got too much for her. When the voice in her head that was telling her she left the stove on, telling her she is the reason her family will die, got too loud she couldn’t take it. She didn’t know how it started, one moment tears were flooding down her eyes, her hands were banging against her skull trying to make it stop and the next. She was looking at her wrist, bleeding through the peeks of the fingers she put over to calm the bleeding. She dropped the knife on the ground fast, it made a loud clink sound and she rushed to wash the blood off her arm she vowed to never let it get that low again, never ruin her body again. The vow she made to herself broke a week later.

“Max!” The voice pierced through the darkness of her room, she knew that in about two minutes she would hear footsteps coming towards her door. “Max!”

Max covered her ears and threw the old Mousse hoodie over her day-old clothes. Her mom knew what she wore yesterday and she didn’t feel ready to take on another lecture about hygiene. Max tried not to look in mirrors anymore, the sight of her shadow colored eyebags, her skin had lost a lot of color, she had grown paler, and she felt lanky like when she walked she was breaking sticks in her bones. “What mom,” She asked, her hands doing halfassed signs.

Ellen didn’t seem to notice her daughter's appearance, or maybe she was used to it. “Max, I know you usually hang out with your friends at their houses now,” She had lied to her mom once a week, taking the opportunity to go out into the woods and lay in a clover field when the sun has set, giving her mom the idea that MANG or better yet, MAN was still hanging out. They were, just not with her. “But, I think it would be nice to invite all the girls over for a fourth of july barbeque.” Ellen smiled, her head cocked in a position that Maxine knew she had already planned most of the party.

She scratched her head, the strands of her hair felt extra stringy. “Wasn’t the fourth last weekend?” She sighed, she felt so tired.

“Yes, but I was out of town for…” She paused, ever since Marcus had gotten home her family stopped saying words that were about Marcus’s rehab. She guessed they were embarrassed over their only son's actions and how far they had gotten, if only they knew. “Anywho, do you want to invite them over for this weekend? You don’t have any plans right?”

She stared at the floor, her legs growing taller and further apart it seemed. “I don’t know mom… I’m kind of.. Tired.” She looked up at her mom, imagining that she would rush to her, give her a hug and just start making her feel better.

It didn’t happen, “Well go back to sleep hun, I’ll text the moms!” She smiled, almost skipping towards her bedroom and Maxine wanted to punch herself in the face for what the weekend was about to entail.

Maxine dropped herself onto the carpet, pulling out her lifelong and there was once again no new messages. She opened her tiktok, it was almost a reflex to seeing the empty phone. She read through the notifications, she didn’t get as many now but she didn’t mind she still felt safe with the few she got.

“I get it… my sister killed herself last may and my parents forgot I existed completely.” a user commented, she had seen them like a few recent posts and even though all the comments were sad and relatable this one felt different. She felt like she could personally relate to this person’s thoughts, even though she didn’t even have a follow back button to click.

She surfed through a bit more comments, none of them really making her feel anything. It was a lonely feeling, searching for someone online to give her hope of a future or likelihood of her likeability.

A text popped at the top of her phone, “max?” It was Abby. Recently Abby had begun texting her, not a lot just… texts. There was one from two weeks ago, one from three days ago and then today. She wanted to text back, explain how alone and sad she feels and how she wants her friends to help her. But, she just swiped the notification away and scrolled through tiktok; laying on her side as her phone stretched out over her hand.

Maxine didn’t sleep. All Friday night into Saturday morning she laid awake wondering, what about MANG? Will they even show? Does she want them to show? The thoughts just… they just kept coming. She couldn’t stop them. The thoughts felt as if they were bulging out of her brain, her skin was peeling to make room for them. The couldn’t feel her hands, her legs, her heart. Her heart hurt. And then a stinging pain.

“Fuck.” She whispered, cursing under her breath as the pain seized through her veins they threw the thoughts away. She rushed to grab the shirt she left by the sink, the last time it happened. She had used the rest of her bandaids the last time, it had been happening too much and she couldn’t stop it. The cold water hurt, so did the hot water. Maybe it was her who hurt.

“Max! The girls are going to be here soon! Are you ready?” She tried to yell back a response, but her throat hurt. She put her hands around her throat, feeling around for what could be causing the pain; she had removed the mirror from her bathroom; it was too painful to look at day on day. As she moved her fingers across the side of her throat a stinging pain jolted her, she ran to the mirror she turned towards the wall rummaging it around to have a clear view. Blood was staining her hands, her throat had a cut that was deep and it hurt like hell. Max almost threw everything out of the bathroom drawers before finding a large bandage that she had gotten years prior when she cut her knee during a soccer game; Abby had kissed it better once it happened and the two spent the rest of the game on the bench laughing. The bandage went over the cut, the cut she made into her own skin. Why is she so dramatic?

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She was surprised when her mom told her about the party, not for the party itself but that Max would want them there at all. Max had made it seem as if they were cut off from her, ever since Marcus went to rehab. Abby never was a huge fan of parties hosted by moms, they always made tons of food and would never let you have an empty plate. Not to mention the constant watching just for security reasons but it didn’t make it easy for her.

She tried to catch a ride with Norah but her mom insisted on showing up together, ‘making the divorcee look intact still’ and she didn’t feel up to arguing once again with her mother. Abby had picked an old black top she used to love as a middle schooler, it was plain and slim but she had grown out of it until now. It fits perfectly now, and she loves the feeling of putting on old clothes to show the change she made. She stared at the tape before tossing it aside and putting on a pair of baggy jeans; that she bought at the mall last weekend with the girls.

Her mother parked the car outside of Ginny’s home, almost running over the curb. “Okay Abby, you be nice to Max. I know you haven’t hung out with her a lot but just be nice okay?” Her mother tried to say nicely, but Abby knew it was another shitty lecture stemming from her behavior.

Abby nodded obnoxiously, “Mom, Max and I are good okay? Get off my back.” Abby jumped out of the car, grabbing the cupcakes her mom had bought at the store an hour before. Almost gagging at the amount of calories in a single cupcake, 350.

She almost walked right inside, the former formality was always to just walk in and say hi before going up to Max’s room. Abby rang the doorbell, juggling the cupcakes on one hand to have a free hand for the door. The door opened swiftly and even faster the cupcakes were lifted off her hand, “Oh Abby sweetie, you don’t need to ring! You’re always welcome!” Ellen smiled, giving Abby a hug and dropping the cupcakes onto the counter. “The girls are outside, go on out I’ll bring food!” Abby wanted to decline, saying how she wasn’t hungry. But her mom had just walked in, holding a jug of juice.

She didn’t know what she would walk into, but she closed the screen door and turned the corner towards the patio that she almost grew up on. She used to do dance recitals for Marcus with Norah and Max, spinning around in circles and ending with a group hug. Ginny was sitting on one of the wooden chairs, she had a drink in hand but it looked to just be water. Norah was right next to her, sitting more comfortably on the other wooden chair, her feet hanging off the side. They seemed to be in a very engageful chat, Norah turned her head and her eyes sparkled. “Abby! Finally!” She moved her feet over to sit properly on the chair, “Come sit.”

Abby tried not to stare as she walked over, but Abby was sitting on the couch, her legs tucked into her stomach and she was on her phone. Norah wanted her to sit on the side of the chair, patting it to symbolize ‘come sit’ but she felt bad, she didn’t know why everyone stopped talking to Max. Sure she had said some… not nice stuff but, well she never explicitly apologized but, well maybe she should. She did miss hanging out with Max, she was hyper sure and very energetic but it felt… nice compared to her. So she sat on the couch, not directly next to her but on the last cushion on the couch, she did see Max peep her eyes away from her phone as her hood tucked down and as quick as that she was back to her original position.

Abby tucked her hands in front of her stomach, though the shirt did slim her down and she hadn’t eaten at all today she still felt bloated. “So does anyone know what they made for food?” Norah flipped her hair back as she continued to let Ginny braid it.

Ginny shrugged, “My mom bought a peach pie.” She said her accent was slipping through even though it's barely noticeable now. “And I heard that Abby… you mom was bringing cake?”

Abby cringed, her mom had signed up for cake; said she was going to bake it and have it look beautiful. “She just bought a bunch of cupcakes.” Abby drifted her eyes away from the two girls and nonnoticeably looked at Max. “Max, did your mom make anything special?” She asked, putting up a weak form of a smile.

Max looked up from her phone, her hair was covering the sides of her face and she looked really tired. “I don’t know.” She turned back on her phone before sliding it into her hoodie pocket, the Mousse hoodie has seemingly grown bigger since she last saw it. Max almost invisibly got up and vanished into the house. Abby wanted to follow her, she really did… but not so much to make her actually follow Max into the house. She obviously didn’t want to be around them. So Abby returned her focus to the girls, her girls.

Ellen came out of the door shortly after placing the food on the glass table decorated with fourth of july themed napkins and paper plates. She smiled and explained all the items, though they were all pretty self-explanatory. She felt Ginny’s eyes on her empty plate, piercing through her empty stomach so she plopped a hotdog on the plane, adding some relish and chips on the side. When she returned to her seat, Ginny’s eyes were focused on her plate flickering between that and Norah gossiping about the recent break-up that happened over camp.

“Is Max coming out?” Abby wiped some relish off her lips, hiding a few chips in the napkin she then tucked underneath her plate. Norah looked confused at the question, looking for a few seconds before giving some plain answer and Ginny agreeing. Abby stared at the door, she wondered where she would have gone. It was her house afterall. “I’ll be right back…” She muttered, putting the plate in the trash as the half eaten hotdog slid under the plate and she dumped the chips in as well. Ginny looked up, her eyes saying what her mouth isn’t and Max just reassured her with her eyes and a smile. A genuine smile.

The moms were out on the front porch, two wine bottles open on the table as she could hear the laughter from the cracked window by the kitchen. She searched around the whole downstairs to find nothing, her throat jumped as she looked up the stairs. Totally invading her privacy, she whispered to herself as she quietly got up the stairs. Walking past Marcus’s room she saw him laying on his bed, headphones covering his ears as he laid with his phone and she got out of view before he took it off one of his ears and poked his head up to look at his doorway. Abby found her door to be wide open, she couldn’t knock if she tried and she whispered her name hoping Max wouldn’t freak the hell out. Abby would freak out if someone was in her house.

She slowly entered Max’s room, the layout was the same as the endless sleepovers she attended, the forts she and Norah would make as Max ordered them around. She stopped in her tracks once she saw Max, she was on her bed that must have been lofted even higher since the last time she’d been in here. She was laying above the comforters, her blue and pink rimmed ones that she got for Christmas two years ago (Abby saw them during her Christmas haul) and she looked sound asleep. She watched her for a second, before realizing how creepy it is to watch someone sleep even if they looked as calm as Max did, her hair ruffled around her head and her body tucked against itself as she almost curled into her hoodie.

She slowly backed out backwards and once she turned around she was face to face… with Marcus. “What are you doing..?” He yawned, his hair visibly knotty and his shirt crumpled.

Abby stuttered trying to think of an excuse, “Just wondering where she went…” She chuckled trying to get around him and he didn't budge.

Marcus yawned again, looking at her. Then he moved, letting her pass and once Abby reached the top of the stairs; so close to leaving she couldn’t. “Hey- Uh Marcus?” He perked up, as much as you could when you were just woken up. “Is max like… alright?”

Marcus looked confused, extremely confused but maybe she is mistaking it for confusion when it really is annoying. “Why wouldn’t she be alright?” He asked, almost as if he had no idea what she has been like all summer. Abby knew what she was like.

Abby knew she shouldn’t, it wasn’t her business and to be honest it wasn’t her right. “I don’t know… I just think something might be wrong.” Abby tried to relieve the stress by playing with her hair, her fingers twirling it around. Marcus looked interested, asking follow-up questions and almost interrogating her to explain further. “It’s not my business alright? But- I don’t know, she looks tired and she looks… different I don’t know how to explain.” Abby tried to walk down the stairs, the conversation becoming way too real for her especially as it isn’t her right to speak about what she thinks of Max.

She did get downstairs, Marcus didn’t say or yell anything, maybe he was in shock. Or maybe he fell asleep standing up. Whatever it was she couldn’t shake the thoughts for the rest of the night, and when the party eventually ended she realized she hadn’t even purged the calorie intensive food all because of Max. Well not Max exactly, but her worries about Max. It made her reflect on herself? Does she make people worry like she worried? She sent a text to Max saying how nice the party was and how good it was to see her again, she sent it to the MANG groupchat which she then realized just how empty it was. A meme from Norah from two months ago was only one scroll away, and so she decided to send the text there saying how nice it was to say all of MANG. But really she wanted to say how nice it was to see Max.

Chapter Text

For the past few days Max sort of had no idea what day it was, she just floated around the house for a few minutes in the day before going back to where she ended up spending her summer, her room. The past weekend was filled with happiness and love, but Max couldn’t feel it. All she felt was a sense of loneliness heightened by the smiles of her family that even she couldn’t fake to that extent. Her parents celebrated their anniversary, bringing the twins to a nice weekend vacation and Max would use the time to rot in the hotel room, sometimes switching it to rotting by the pool so her parents wouldn’t worry too much. Sometimes she wanted them to worry, to care, to notice her.

Her arms had healed a bit, there were a few newer scabs but with enough makeup it looks good as new. Her account had grown a lot, 500 new followers and it made her feel great. Her scrolling through her whole videos were interrupted by a quick knock, the secret knock that she and Marcus made when they were just kids and she guesses it never went out of memory. “What.” She pulled open the door a smidge to see Marcus standing outside it, he pushed his way inside the room and left Max… tired. “What do you want?” 

Marcus sprawled out on her bed, missing the indent she made from laying in the same position all summer. “I’m bored… what are you doing?” She didn’t really understand why the sudden change of attitude, sure he recently had started conversing in small chitchat whenever he cornered her in the kitchen, or would enter her room and she would fake being asleep. He looked at her for a moment, it made her feel uneasy like he was seeing something she was hiding so… not well. “Get dressed, we’re going out.” He smiled, like he was an evil mastermind about to take her to her doom. “I’m not taking no for an answer. Come on.” he pestered her as he closed the door leaving Max to make her own decision about what was going to happen today.

Max looked at herself in the mirror, she had recently put back on her dresser once her mother started asking questions about the lack of life in her room. Her hair was tangled, her skin was gross, and she felt as if she hadn’t smiled in years. She smiled to herself, and she looked like a troll trying to fit in with the humans so she put it down and took off the unwashed hoodie that she had been living in for the past two days. She knew it was time to shower, but it just felt like too much. Having to see her body right below her, all the scars and imperfections that were because of her. 
The hot water burned her not fully healed scars, making it feel as if she was cutting through her skin a second time. The scar on her throat had healed, leaving a darker brown long scar from the left side of her jaw down almost down to her collarbone; she could see the foundation running down her arms, leaving a trail of murky skin-colored water. She washed her hair, scrubbed all the disgusting dirt and grime onto her fingers lifting it off her tangled hair. She doubled conditioned, hoping it would help the torture she was going to have to put herself through to brush through the waves. 

She put on a pair of black shorts, they weren’t short she couldn’t wear short-shorts anymore. She looked hideous showing off her body like she was hot. She put on a long sleeve graphic shirt, it was baggy and a size too big so it hid the scars nicely. Her hair was jumbled, she managed to separate it into three parts to ease the brushing and the knots scared her. The pain and the work she was going to have to do to fix the mess she made, so she tied it into a tight braid, so tight you couldn’t tell there were thousands of knots trying to make their way out of the intact braid.

She stood in front of her door, she missed the comforters, the feeling of safety hidden away under the covers she was being ripped away from her safe place. Begrudgingly she went down to where Marcus was lying on the couch phone in the air before he jumped up towards her. “Great, you took forever.” He obnoxiously groaned as he left the house, Max shortly behind. She didn’t want to be here, she didn’t want to leave her house or be forced to go on some shitty attempt to make chit-chat though luckily Marcus didn’t seem too interested in chatting, he turned up some old punk music and rolled the windows down as he sped away.

They pulled up to a small shack-like building and she looked around hoping to find something she recognized but she couldn’t, and that was surprising in such a small town.Marcus got out of the car first, beckoning for her to follow as he turned the corner getting close to the building. Max thought about just staying in the car, maybe driving away and never coming back but she didn’t. “What is this?” Max sounded so different, her voice without all excitement. 

Marcus didn’t say anything, just turned a final corner and when Max finally got to where he was waiting by the entrance she stopped. ‘Puppet theatre’ Oh hell no, Max didn’t know what shit Marcus was about to force her into but it looked dumb. “I’m not watching some puppet show.” She crossed her arms, about to turn around and go back to the car.

Marcus ran up to her, grabbing her arm to which she quickly pulled away like a lifeline. “It’s not a puppet show, just come in. Trust me.” His words longed out as she started to feel herself drift away from where she was. She had to ground herself. Fast. She felt Marcus walking back towards the door, she followed though she couldn’t see anything; everything was blurred and she felt like she was going to faint. She pinched herself, pinching against the skin on her arms trying to bring any sense of reality back to her. Marcus said something, the words came in and out right away she couldn’t make sense of anything he was saying, or was he doing something? She looked up and couldn’t see him, though she couldn’t see much it was so blurry. 

“Max.” Marcus repeated, looking at her who was standing in front of the door, wide eyes. Suddenly her vision got clear again and she took her fingers away from her arm, she followed Marcus in quickly hoping he wouldn’t ask questions. She followed him to this very small theatre, there were probably utmost six rows of six seats with a small aisle on the side. The stage was alright, it was medium sized but compared to the school play it was nothing. She looked around, wondering why they were here. She didn’t see anyone else, or any puppets. “I found this place last night, they are doing auditions for a play.” He pointed towards a small paper with smudged writing on top of the page. She walked over, ‘AUDITIONS FOR JUAZ’ and a few names were signed. She turned back towards Marcus who was looking at her knowingly. Shoot he did know her, she felt a sense of importance looking at a brand new play in front of her; she already was imagining meeting the cast, doing a dance routine, doing role call… it got her too excited, something she hadn’t felt in a while. 

She jotted her name down quickly, almost misspelling her last name before turning back towards Marcus; as much as she hated it she had a small smile on her lips. Marcus didn’t say anything, thank lord, but he did smile back and they picked up two happy meals on the way home with Max’s favorite flavor of milkshake.

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The silver had sort of worn off, her recently acquired necklace she got on the family vacation, a silver seagull dangling from a softened rope clasped at the back. She had been rubbing away the silver unconsciously since she got it, using it as a substitute to what she couldn’t do surrounded by family. But now she was back home. Alone. The pain didn’t hurt as much anymore, she had gotten used to the stinging for a few seconds and the blood dripping onto the sink. Sometimes the blood got onto the floor and she would have to scrub it clean for an hour, so no one would know. Sometimes she felt as if Marcus knew; he would come into her room sometimes and just peel his eyes away from her to her bathroom. The door was always shut, no one would be able to see what went on in there. 

While on vacation she felt… better? She didn’t feel as sad as she always did, sometimes when the sun was just below her face, when the ocean waves stopped right in front of her, when the families at the beach went silent, just for a second. She felt okay. Her mother had a rule on vacations, no phones. At all. So Ellen had taken all the phones on the first day at the beach leaving Max to not be able to connect to her followers. Was that why she felt better? No… it couldn’t be, they made her feel seen.

Her followers were waiting just for her, some comments of hopeful aspirations they had for her beach trip which she didn’t do but it felt nice for them to believe in her. Maybe she never went surfing like she did every summer, maybe she never got her favorite flavor of snowcone, maybe she didn’t buy any souvenirs, but at least she still went. If she is honest she didn’t want any souvenirs because… she didn’t think she would make the money worth it with the amount of time left alive she expected for herself.

MANG had texted a few times over the week vacation, well not MANG just Abby. She didn’t really understand why the sudden change of personality Abby was going through; just before school ended she called her dramatic. She didn’t text Abby back, if she cared ‘so’ much she wouldn’t have been a bitch to her at school. It isn’t her fault that Abby acts differently when around other people, even if she wished she would change. Why does she even want her to change?

She laid on her bed for a bit, scrolling through the endless stream of relatable tiktoks before she got bored. For some odd reason she felt like she should go outside, she didn’t feel fulfilled watching the tiktoks and engaging in the sadness that would overcome her from reading every single video. She wanted to wear her favorite white tanktop… but the scars. She put on a black long sleeve with some band from the 90s plastered on the front and wiggled into some old running shorts she found last month. All her clothes were scattered around the room, she wanted to blame it on busyness… but she wasn’t busy. 

She hadn’t run in almost two months, the breath felt as if it was pinging against the scar on her throat plastering the sign of her weakness to the world. She had makeup on over it but the heat of the day had wasted it away, her parents and brother were off at therapy till dinner time so she almost didn’t even realize it was fully shown to anyone with eyes until someone asked about it.

She heard someone cough from behind her, she almost missed it but she did turn around taking her headphones out of her ears. “Max?” Her friend… if you can call her that, asked. She obviously had just left Ginny’s house as she was walking back to her car parked next to her home. 

Suddenly Max felt as if everyone was staring, the world was closing in on her. Why would she think it was safe to go outside? No one likes her, she’s dramatic and a freak. Then she remembered she was staring at her, waiting for a response like any normal human would do. “Oh.. hey Norah.” Max didn’t smile, not even a slight one. Then she noticed her eyes… they shifted from her eyes to her neck. For a second Max didn’t think anything was wrong, then she remembered. Her neck. The blood dripped down all over the sink. Looking at the hand covered in blood as she wondered why her neck hurt. Turning to see the huge gash on the side of her neck, her skin still on the object of harm. The stinging feeling when she showered, the pain she felt when she put the bandage on. She instinctively shot her hand up to cover the scar, it had scarred it was so deep. Before Norah could even ask anything, “I got hit… by the door…” She cringed, the moment she said. A door? How stupid could she be? How would a door cause a gash like that? No, no norah won’t question it. Would she? Max’s thoughts tripled.. Quadrupled.. But Norah just shrugged and uttered a goodbye as she walked to her car. Max swiveled her head around, looking to see if anyone saw that. No one was staring, no one was out on the street, her family was away. Before she went inside she looked up to Ginny’s home, and she could have sworn she saw a flash of red hair before the curtains closed quickly. 

She ran inside her house, shutting the door and she almost collapsed against the door. Norah knows. Norah has to know. Does she know? Why would she do that? Why is she so dramatic? Why would she stab herself there? Does she want to be caught? Sent to a mental asylum? No. No, Norah can’t know. Max almost relapsed, standing in front of the kitchen sink looking at the steak knife she had her fingers gripped around. Her fingers were white, she was holding the knife so hard and then she looked into the window. Max saw herself, holding a knife to her throat moving it so it aligned to the scar that almost gave her away. She could fix her problems right now, she held the knife up the reflection of it making her uneasy. The knife felt as if it was growing, large enough to kill her instantly perhaps. Would she test it out? How long until her parents would be home? Would people care? Would they even find her? Suddenly she dropped the knife, it clattered against the sink and fell onto her foot, handle first. Her focus was drawn towards her foot and when she looked back up, she was gone. Georgia had seen her. Suddenly her breath got hot, she felt her hands get clammy, and she felt her heart beating so fast. Could this be a heart attack? Is this a heart attack? Is she going to die? She gripped her heart, it was so fast she couldn’t see the chair she tripped over. Without thinking she left the house, she stumbled over to Ginny’s home hoping that maybe Georgia didn’t see it. 

Max didn’t even think of the consequences that could happen if she knocked on this door before she rapidly knocked. She shifted her position so many times, hoping that maybe if she stood a certain way Georgia would just forget about seeing her holding a knife to her throat. The one person she didn’t want to see answered the door though. “Max?” The voice cut through her clamminess and nerves. She had to see Georgia. 

She looked up to Ginny, she was blocking the entryway and didn’t look too thrilled to see her. “Can I talk to Georgia?"

Ginny looked annoyed, “She’s not here.” She looked behind her and murmured something Max couldn’t catch, “Listen if you’re here because Norah was hanging out… it was nothing. Sorry we didn’t invite-” 

Max cut her off, she didn’t even care about her being left out again it was the normal now. “No, I need to speak with Georgia.. Please”

“Max… she’s not here? She’s off at some fancy hotel for some work thing. She won’t be back till Monday.” 

“Oh.. okay thanks.” Max stuttered and she just walked back home. Did she not see Georgia in the window? She couldn’t have… she’s not home. So who did she see in the window? Was anyone ever there? Before she could think of too many more questions her family rolled into the living room. She calculated that if she did pull the knife, she would have three minutes before she would be found. Would that be enough? Would she have died? Or would she have lived?

Once she got inside she almost ran to the computer. One quick search found horrid answers, most likely scenario she would have died before her family even got home. Not to mention how horrible it feels, like boiling water being poured over a fresh cut. She closed her laptop and laid on her bed, staring at the boring ceiling above her head. Is she just being dramatic again? She felt a different feeling, not happiness… but not sadness. 

“Hi.” She texted to the MANG group chat. For some reason she thought it would be different.

An hour later, no one had responded.

Chapter Text

The last few weeks she’s been a zombie, the play gave her a form of schedule she had to follow or she was booted. So she fell asleep at 5am and was across town by 9am, sure the lack of sleep gave her negative side effects like she would continuously fall asleep in the car, she wouldn’t be hungry to eat breakfast or lunch so was going on one meal a day, and she was a bit sadder than usual. See Maxine read up on the effects of no sleep, when she doesn’t sleep enough it will lead to increased levels of anger and aggression. When she is sleep-deprived, the brain cannot function normally, which means it can't suppress the reactivity of the amygdala (the emotional center of the brain) and she read all the recent articles about it, she was obsessed over what her issue was. But she would still stay up till early morning, laying on her phone watching stupid meaningless videos.

The play has been keeping her busy, the cast looked fun but she just couldn’t fit in with them. They all hung out without her as they were childhood friends, and she felt like a major outcast if she’s being honest. Not that, that feeling is totally normal for her now. Though she felt herself getting worse… her sleep had been slowing going down, she recently found out that after 4 days of no sleep the body enters acute psychosis. Is she going down that path? She just couldn’t sleep.

She did notice when she pulled an all-nighter, going all night without sleeping and then going all day awake… the thoughts didn’t come. She didn’t get the obsessive thoughts that would cause her to slash her wrists, and she liked it. She hated those thoughts, making her lose all self control. But obviously she couldn’t go for that long without sleep, someone would notice. Right?

“Max!” She groaned, throwing the pillow over her face. Marcus had become a lot more friendly with her recently; not that she hated it, just that it was a lot to fake. She heard him muffle something loudly when she took the pillow off her ears, “... here!” She threw her head back, not really knowing who would show up so early in the day. Though it was 2pm.

She stomped down the steps, her hair still in a braid she made last night. Her hair was still super knotty, she just never had the energy to brush it. Maybe tomorrow she would.  She stomped on the third step to the bottom, “Abby?” Max's voice dropped, it sounded unsure... scared.

Abby looked nervous, it was a strange look for her. She always looked confident and not like this. “Hey Max…” She looked down to her position standing in the doorway, “Can I come in?” 

She wanted to say no, to slam the door in her face and cry in her room. But, Marcus had already opened the door and was staring right at Max. “Um.. sure, yeah” Max tried to convince herself it was good, and maybe she had changed.

Abby had a small smile, she still looked scared though. She said something to Marcus but honestly Max wasn't paying attention. Max led her up to her room, hoping that it wasn't too messy and horrendous looking. They didn't speak when they reached her room, Max could tell she was looking at the floor with her eyes as she sat across from her on the bed. 

Max looked to the intruder in her sacred space, she was messing up the covers, the air flow in the room, though Max was probably just being dramatic. Abby cleared her thought, fiddling with her fingers “So Max… um” She didn't look towards Max, keeping her focus onto her fingers as she picked at the skin. “I'm just- I'm sorry for how I've been leaving you out.” She looked genuine to Max, but she wasn't buying Abby's sadness.

She nodded her head listening to Abby give a few excuses for her absence, she was drinking too much, her mother was driving her insane, all of it were stupid excuses that were just branches from the real reason. “Abby, I'm fine. You don't need to lie about your reasons.” Max crossed her arms, readjusting the sleeves to ensure they covered everything, if Abby saw everything would get 10x worse.

Abby looked pale, her words weren't coming out but Max could hear her trying. “No- No! Max, I am sorry.” Max felt like Abby was starting to talk way too fast like she was trying to make up for something, “I am sorry that I left you out, you're right though I don't have a real excuse. I just… I don't know. But I'm sorry Max, I really am” Abby looked sincere, and for some odd reason even Max couldn’t define she felt like maybe, just maybe, she meant it.

Max paused, complementing her past actions and well her future actions. While she never explicitly wanted to die, she had thoughts like that; mostly late at night or when she was alone with an item that could finish the job. She looked up to Abby, her red hair pulled into a messy ponytail that knowing her she probably slept in and never fixed it and she was wearing a black hoodie along with some black sweats which was odd; she always liked to be presentable. “It’s okay.” And Abby smiled… Just like that, a lot of guilt was wiped straight off her face. Max did wonder if now she was clear, would Abby leave? Was she just here for the apology and acceptance?

But Abby didn’t leave, Max didn’t ask her to stay nor go but she chose to stay. It felt… nice to have someone with her, she hadn’t hung out with anyone outside of the cast for a few weeks. (If she’s being honest for a few months). Abby was like a dolphin jumping through the water as Max a whale, too tired to swim up for air and just slowly drowning. But Max helped her swim up for air, even for just one more breathful of life.

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She brought the week's laundry upstairs, folded neatly and smelling like clean (if it was a scent). Knocking gently on Marcus’s door she saw him sitting against the wall, typing away on his phone. “Marcus-” She almost completed her sentence before he got up, actually putting his phone down and grabbing his blue basket from her. “Oh!” She paused, unsure how to deal with him being active in his laundry duty, “What’s got you so chipper?” She smiled, truth be told she always felt a warm glow in her heart when he seemed better. Sure, rehab scared her. She was scared that Marcus was too far gone, that when he went to rehab they were admitting that he truly had a problem. But, God. When he came back from rehab that first week was like when he wanted to ask for something every second of the day, he was so well beheaved- well not behaved he still acted like a snarky teenager. But, he was happier.

Marcus shrugged, “I dunno.” And there was the snarky teenage remark, her son was just the same(just happier). “So… Is Max still hanging out with Abby?” he questioned, his eyes going past Ellen and looking at the door right outside his room.

Ellen laid her hands on her hips, making sense why he was so happy. “Sorry to break it to you, Ginny isn’t in there.” She said softly, hoping not to annoy him or sadden him. She wasn’t so sure of Ginny still dating him after rehab but they seemed to do alright.

Marcus scrunched his whole face up and looked towards Ellen, “I don’t care if Ginny is there-” He looked like he was going to say something but then forgot halfway through. “Nevermind mom. Thanks” He tipped the basket over, flipped the stack of folded clothes upside down onto his bed and gave her the basket back.

Ellen tried, she did. She tried to connect with the twins, but it was so hard to communicate with them. Marcus was like a switch, the moment you said something he didn’t like he turned off and all prior connection was just forgotten and he almost disappeared. Max was easier to talk to, well not lately she had so much stress from the play and Ellen thinks she just missed school honestly. But with Max if you upset her, she would make it a big deal and no matter how hard she tried to ease Max’s emotions she would blow up and be impossible to diffuse without time. She closed Marcus’s door, looking at him laying against the bed; reminding her of when she used to come into his room and kiss him goodnight, scare away the monsters and have to basically push Maxine out of his room and into her own room (they always slept over in each other's room at night).

She opened Max’s door, it really warmed her heart seeing her kids so successful in life. Maxine was on her knees searching through her bookshelf as Abby laid on the bed, she was unsure if Abby was still awake but Max was always a good kid so she closed the door. She lingered her hands over the imprint from many summers ago when Maxine was so mad at Marcus and her dad for going to a museum without her that she wrote ‘NO BOYS ALLOWED’ loud and clear on a paper that she hung up on her wall. She would rewrite it on the door many times to emphasize it, and the imprint never went away even when eventually she threw it out the next year.

Clint was somehow asleep on the couch, midday even. She grabbed the blanket next to him and gently lifted her head onto his shoulder, mimicking what they were like before the kids got to them. She drifted off alongside her husband, her dream included her star-worthy son finishing a magnificent painting that made her eyes water and her favorite daughter bowing to thousands of flowers being thrown at her on the big stage. By now she and Clint were full of grey hairs, maybe one grandchild was sitting on their lap but probably not. Her kids seemed like surefire success stories and kids… well they would come after their trivial success. She woke up to shuffling upstairs, it sounded like someone falling straight towards the floor. Rushing to the kids room she hoped for the best, Maxine’s door was closest and when she opened it she stopped in her tracks. The sight was… adorable, she was glad her daughter was so happy and had such great friends. 

Maxine was obviously asleep, head thrown back as her braid that was slowly coming undone was touching the floor, her head rested on top of Abby’s stomach and Abby was out cold as well. For two kids not on a comfortable mattress they looked like they were having the best sleep ever, she gently laid one of Maxine’s many blankets on top of the two girls, positioning it to not cover Maxine’s face but still warm Abby up. She likes to keep her children's privacy, not be an overbearing mom who checks their phones, has their locations (which she does, but she never checks) or is just someone that her children would be scared to tell the truth to. But she couldn’t help herself to not snap a picture of the two, they looked just like they did when they were six or eight… or nine, or at every movie night where they would fall asleep on the couch. Then she remembered why she came up here and she rushed to Marcus’s room, and the room was empty. She found the object that caused the loud bang, he knocked over a nightstand next to the window when he must have snuck out of the window probably to go see Ginny. Ginny seemed like not the best influence on Marcus; but she knew Marcus wasn’t the best kid ever anyway. Plus they seemed to really like each other.

She determined Abby was probably staying for dinner, the classic Max and Abby situation. Though Norah was usually asleep on top of all of them, hands flared over their faces. Ellen loved those girls, but Marcus’s school friends weren’t her favorite all their wannabe-gangster stuff or the drinking that they would persuade Marcus into. But, Max, Abby, Norah, and then of course Ginny, were such good girls and Ellen wished she had a friend group like that when she was in school (Oh, who is she kidding she would kill to have one of those now) and she loved how happy they made Max. After all, every parent's goal is to have their children be better than them, and Max had certainly overcome anything Ellen could have done after she finished her first play all the way back in elementary school. Marcus was… good too but at different things. 

Ellen paid attention to her kids' friends, so much so she realized a few years ago when Abby stopped eating her whole bowl of pasta. When she would ask for a salad instead of a juicy hamburger that Maxine had just ordered, or when she would have water instead of juice. She didn’t know Abby to be sporty but, maybe she does athletic stuff in her own time; back when Ellen was in high school sports she fixed her diet to be able to run long distances and not die. So she fixed up a greek salad, adding some croutons for Marcus and some tomatoes for the aesthetic. For Clint and herself she just cooked some fish that was about to go bad, Max never cared for fish even as a kid so she got some chicken breast mixed in with the leftover bags of pasta she found around the house. She made enough pasta for Marcus of course, but she didn’t expect him to come down for dinner.

Ellen set the table up, putting Abby’s plate right across from Max’s and then Clint at the head of the table of course. She almost yelled for the kids before realizing they were asleep, she didn’t want to wake them up so roughly. “Max? Abby?” She whispered, shaking Max’s arm that was longed over her own torso. Max woke up and shot straight up, mumbling some huhs and whats before shaking Abby awake who was also… very asleep. “Dinner is ready.” She smiled, leaving them to get situated and eventually come down. She didn’t happen to see Abby’s throat drop or Max’s cheeks blow up with red before she excused herself to the bathroom and fixed her sleeves that had rided up.

She and Clint were already speaking about the latest news surrounding his company, no actual worries, just happy conversation when the new most special guests came down the stairs. “Sorry-” Abby started to apologize before Ellen cut her off, saying no worries and to sit down. Max looked shifty at dinner, she kept adjusting her position and kept bringing her sleeves down. 

“Maxine, don’t get sauce on your sleeves. Why don’t you pull them up?” She asked, trying to solve the problem she was having with her shirt. “How are you wearing that shirt anyway! It’s like 90 degrees.” Ellen gaped, teenagers and their internal temperature were so fascinating. She had to take a cold shower at noon after walking around outside with Georgia, it was just too hot.

Maxine stuttered before stuffing her face with some food so much so Ellen took her focus off Abby who was not eating her salad. When she looked back at Abby her salad was moved around, at least someone likes her salad. “So girls, what did you get up to today?” She cut around the fish, she might have overcooked the sides a bit much. She tried to get towards the middle, the best part as Abby shared some stories and Max just nodded her head starting to slouch into the chair almost. “Abby, are you staying the night?” She didn’t look towards her daughter, why would Maxine deny a sleepover anyway? Max used to ask for a sleepover with MANG every Friday and Saturday night, sure she stopped but all her friends were so busy anyhow; Ellen was happy for Max that once school started again she could have all the sleepovers she wants with MANG.

Abby shook her head, scraping salad off her fork and onto the plate. “No, I should get home after this.” She tucked her hair behind her ear, her ponytail so messy by now. Ellen said a sympathetic apology and then moved onto the next topic at dinner, she was never one to let a silence overcome the dinner table. Besides, Clint was never any help on finding topics so she had to think of topics every night.

Abby helped put her dishes away, scraping the leftovers into a tupperware container which she then helped scrap Clint’s off into the container and then toss it into the fridge. Maxine was laying on the couch, on what seemed to be the thing connecting her to life. “So Abby, how's summer going for you? I know Max said you were super busy.” She smiled at the girl, starting to wash her plate under the sink water. 

She didn’t see Abby’s pale go paler and looked around for an answer, “Oh… yeah totally busy. It’s nice.” Ellen nodded, continuing on how inspiring it was that MANG still hung out at least once a month to keep in touch and how everyone should do that. “Yep… um I have to go.” It seemed like she abruptly just ended the conversation, but Ellen still gave her a smile, handing her a small tupperware container and sending it with love to her mom. She left the kitchen to give the girls some privacy as they said goodbye and took the clothes that she left on the dryer and folded them into Marcus’s basket. When she left to put away all the clothes, Abby had left, and Maxine had already returned to her bed. She might have liked Abby a bit more than she liked Norah, but she would never admit it of course.

Chapter Text

The thing about depression is someone could be happy, the main thing making them sad is fixed. So Max should be happy right? She’s friendly with Abby again, Marcus is safe at home, and she shouldn’t have anything to cry about. Right? Max couldn’t figure out why she was still sad. She had hung out with Abby a few more times, and had even more recent slashes against her wrist. Why is she still so sad? She would look at herself in the mirrors she placed back up, watching the tears fall from her face down to her lap as she restarted her eyeliner again. Eventually she bought waterproof eyeliner so it wouldn’t matter if she was crying. She did feel happy, she was happy that Abby wanted to hang out again, she was happy that the play was almost wrapped up, she was happy that Marcus would still take her out on adventures every once a week. But she was also sad. She would cry in bed, smothering her mouth so no one would check on her. She walked through the day with blurry vision and a head too heavy for her body, she felt like no one felt this way in the world. She was totally alone. There were only two weeks till school started again, she didn’t know whether to look forward or run backwards. With every pro she found, there were more than double the cons.

She was supposed to hang out with Abby tonight, go over to her house and watch shitty movies all night. She just didn’t have it in her to fake in front of her again, she was so tired. Her hair had gone almost two months without a serious brushing, sure she had brushed the top a bit to make it presentable but she had a braid in every day since June. She pulled out her phone, texting Abby a small apology for how she couldn’t make it tonight and hoped she wasn’t too disappointed. Maxine threw her phone on the bed, the pain in her head becoming stronger and throbbing through her skull. 

She grabbed the shirt she stashed under the shirt, the old green camp shirt stained with dried blood from her wrists. The shirt sticks to her wrist once it has the blood pressed on, but she keeps her hand on to stop the bleeding as well. She had to change her shirt, she got a few splotches of blood on the bottom of her shirt hopefully it would wash out. She loved that shirt. 

She was washing the blood out of her shirt in the sink when she heard the sound that made her heart stop. Her door creaked open and someone stepped into her room, suddenly she became apparent that her bathroom door was halfway open and the blood clean up shirt she had was not under the sink but on the floor. She heard steps come toward the bathroom, whoever was out there was about to come in since the door was open. No knocking, no stopping. She dropped the shirt into the sink, and ran out of the bathroom hoping to stop the intruder. Then she ran right into Abby. 

“Shit-” Abby put her hand over her eye, Max ran right into her; her head bouncing off Abby’s face. She said Max’s name before stopping mid sentence, her eyes going wide. “Oh my God- I’m so…” She walked backwards, stumbling towards the door as she covered her face with her hands in an attempt to give back Max’s privacy.  “I’m so sorry!” She yelled as she closed the bedroom door.

Max threw her hands into her face, trying to forget what just happened. It all happened so fast, Abby running into her, then she ran out of the room even faster. Max huffed, throwing the first shirt she had over her bra, she was wearing more… of a revealing sort of bra that she wore all summer. All her sports bras were in the wash so she had to wear a purple lace bra. She glanced down to the bandage wrapped around her cuts, it was loosely wrapped but she didn’t have unlimited time to rewrap it.  She grabbed a hoodie, throwing it over her shirt as she called out an apology to Abby who she assumed was still waiting outside.

Abby was waiting against the wall, not really doing anything just staring ahead. “Abby?” Max tried to tighten her ponytail which she realized was looking pretty odd. Abby hushed out an apology before Max cleared the air, no harm no foul anyway. Max did hope Abby didn’t see anything.

Abby started to ramble, “Yeah- so I’m so sorry… um I don’t know. I just thought since you didn’t feel up to hanging out I can bring the hangout to you.” She stopped to look up at Max, “Or- I mean if you don’t want to… it’s fine I can leave.” 

Max shook her head, “No, I mean it’s fine we can hang out… thanks.” Max felt so awkward, she was acting so dramatic towards Abby who went out of her way to come over. Max just had to make a scene, she had to tone Max down for now on.

Max cleared out her pillows and blankets, throwing the multitude onto the floor to make room for the two of them. Usually she just catapulted herself onto the pillows, ignoring the uneven made up mattress under her but for guests; especially ones with red hair she would make the mattress even again. “Um.. my brother and Ginny are hogging the TV so we can just hang out in here.” She tried to monotone her voice, and attitude to minimize any possible maxness. She noticed how Abby’s smile glitched for a bit, but then it was back to normal.

Max set her computer at the end of the bed, scooching back to not be right face close to the screen. Her little twin bed making them have to scooch together, a little bit scary for Max having her scars so close to Abby.

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The series that was on was one of her favorites, she had rewatched a few episodes earlier this week but when Max suggested it she couldn’t bear to decline. Abby didn’t want to bring awkwardness between her and Max, especially after all the recent drama. She felt as if their friendship was hanging on by one thread, and if she moved too fast the thread would break. Though she had realized after the second or third episode that Max’s braid looked extremely… knotty or just not made correctly. 

Abby thought of a foolproof plan, or so she thought at least. “Hey Max,” Abby rang her fingers through her hair, catching a few small tangles in it. “Could you braid my hair?” The two exchanged glances, Max looking a bit confused before smiling. 

Abby laid against Max, her arms bent and laying on Max’s straight out legs. Her plan was once Max braided her hair into the braid she’s done so many times before, Abby would ask to return the favor and braid Max’s hair. She had one teeny tiny problem with the plan she hadn’t thought of, whenever Max braided her hair it was like she had magic at her fingertips. Abby tried to fight off the monster of sleep that was clawing at her eyelids, and Max’s ease to stack the hair on top of each other didn’t help the battle. 

Abby fell asleep when Max was almost finished with the braid, having only to put the hair tie on. Max didn’t want to wake Abby, by lifting her head or other movement so she just ran her fingers through her hair. Max almost dozed off herself.

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She felt like a bitch, an attention seeking annoyance because she still felt sad. Abby, her friend again, was right in front of her dozed off in her lap. Max was sad because she lost MANG, but now she had Abby back. So why is she still sad? Sure she wasn't friends with Norah, and she was the opposite of friends with Ginny, but why wasn't Abby enough for her? Why did she need more? 

Abby's phone lit up, she always had on do not disturb but she must have forgotten to do it. Max saw a message from ANG, they still had that? She knew they did have it, but she just envisioned maybe Abby had left. Looking down at Abby she felt mad, hurt, just sad basically. She wanted to slap herself but she picked up Abby's phone, all the girls knew each others passwords in case they died so they could delete everything the parents wouldn't want to know. Max had changed her password in May, but Abby didn't. 

She swiped to see the notifications, clicking on the groupchat. “Abby are you still with Max?” Norah texted a few minutes ago ago. It seemed innocent enough, no problems but Max felt unfulfilled with this. 

Almost as if she wanted to find something to hurt her. So she scrolled up, they didn't text as much as Max envisioned, a few texts each day sometimes going a day without. Last Tuesday, “ginny I think smthing is srsly wrong with her” Abby texted, her abbreviations always annoyed Norah as she texted to correct Abby. 

Ginny didn't seem to care, and Max couldn't tell if she happy or upset about that. “she's probably just bored abs, Marcus said she's fine.” 

The texts were sent last week, after she did call Abby for about an hour since she couldn't get herself out of bed to go to the mall with her. Of course she told Abby she was sick. She kept reading the conversation, the pain feeling like just a small sting at the scars pulsing through the bandages. “you told Marcus Abt this gin?? wth” 

Norah texted a few no sense to calm the situation before Ginny texted again, “I'm with Marcus rn, look I'll go to Max's room she's probably just like sleeping or something that's all she does”

She felt her privacy being invaded, looking at the door as Ginny was standing right in the doorway watching her, watching her bandage her cuts, watching her hide the knots in a braid, watching her be dramatic. Abby cursed Ginny out before apologizing and blaming it on her emotions. Once the conversation ended, Max felt curious so she scrolled up to the first time Abby came over to her house in the summer, and it was like a repeat. Abby thought something was wrong and she gossiped to Norah and Ginny who dismissed it. She couldn't believe Abby would… would betray her like this, she thought she changed. 

Once Abby woke up like a cheating boyfriend, Max basically pushed her out the house. Abby tried to understand what was happening, “Wait- Max? I don’t understand… why are you mad at me?” She repeated trying to get the words through Max’s head. Max shook her head, uttering a goodbye and shutting the door before running towards her room. She didn’t cut or even think about it, she just started to cry. She cried into her pillow trying to be silent, she was fine anyway.

Chapter Text

Back to school shopping, Max used to love this time; she would go to Staples and Target with MANG and pick out stupid backpacks to make a mockery of. Add stupid remarks about a pop it pencil case that has been out of trend since before high school. “I’ll just get these.” Max threw three black folders into the cart piling on with a white,grey, and another white notebook all 200 pages. 

Ellen looked at her softly, “What about the nice baby blue folder?” She motioned towards the colorful folders for 75c, “Or are colors not trendy anymore?” She joked, expecting Max to call her uncool or make a face. Max just shrugged, “I guess I can get the blue.” She tossed the blue in the cart not bothering to take out a black folder. Ellen almost said something before pushing the cart to the next aisle, looking at the pens and pencils for this school year. 

Ellen took Marcus out earlier as he had plans with some of his guy friends to go out to the beach for a final beach day before school started, so it was her and Ellen shopping. The endless questions almost drove max over the edge, why would she care what color her pencil erasers are? Does it truly matter? She threw in the rainbow pack, yellows and reds mixed in with greens to give Ellen a peace of mind with eraser heads. Ellen reserved a table at a restaurant in the shopping complex, a table for two by the windows. “So are you excited for school Max?” Ellen sawed off some fat from the steak she had ordered. Maxine just shrugged signing out s few basic words to answer, Ellen had become used to her nonverbal communication though since everyone was fluent in sign language it wasn't even noticeable.

Max barely used her phone now, which was odd. Her account hasn't been viewed by her in ages and she is just too tired to look through the comments, post a new video, and wait for the engagement that filled her day. So she never responded to texts, never called back her parents, never even took selfies anymore. She felt people getting worried about her though, she knew they knew about her sadness. Just maybe not to the extent that she felt it every second she was awake, so she slept. She would sleep from dinner time to noon, have lunch with her brother and then fall asleep until she was forced to eat the family dinner. She once calculated how much she slept on one day, she slept for 18 hours. Oddly she was always tired, no matter how many times she silenced her sobs with sleep she always woke up tired.

Her mother scheduled a doctor's appointment to ask about the sleeping habits, she was worried about Marcus and shifted some of the worry to Max sleeping all day and night. Her appointment was next week, and Maxine knew she had too fix her problem before the doctor would send her away for good. Because they would right? She didn't want to be sent away, but she didn't want to feel like this either. She felt like the songs she would listen too, alone in her own fucked up world crumpling beneath her feet. 

Her mother cut the shopping trip short after buying the necessary school supplies, Max assured her that she didn't feel the need for new clothes and she was okay with her wardrobe now. She always was quiet now, she never spoke during the car rides and was just spoken too. Her mother pulled the car into the neighborhood, the houses blurred together as Max tried to keep the sleep away as her head went against the window. “Marcus and I are excited for the play, I know it will be great! Your dad is devastated,z he can't make it, but don't worry I did inform him that I'll video the whole thing so he and everyone can see the marvelous star you are.” Her mom rambled on, what she didn't know is Max didn't want the show to go on. The show had its first showing this weekend and she felt a huge lump growing in her brain whenever she thought about it. She used to love theater, what happened to her?

She didn't bring in any of the supplies from the car, her mom had to carry the three bags herself. Maxine is such a bitch, she's such a dumb girl, she is worthless and then she slashed, she slashed more and more into her wrist. She started to run out of space on her wrist, and she felt like she had to only cut here to feel the pain everytime she saw the busted up scars. So she would slice the half healed scars again, the pain doubled as she cut into an almost healed wound with an even sharper slice. She had stopped restricting herself, she didn't hold back the knife in fear of hurting herself because she couldn't find a place in her heart where she cared. Then they were bandaged up like new, and healed while she slept the whole night.

2pm, she slept through dinner and lunch and she felt sick to her stomach. Maxine ran to the toilet trying to puke her guts out, but nothing came out. She sat by the toilet for a few minutes, her head resting on top of her knees as she sobbed. No one was home, no one would find her because frankly no one cared about her. Everyone had to have known she was sad, she didn't talk to her friends, she never joined the movie family nights anymore, and how would they not notice? She felt weak sitting against the wall, the cold air seeping into her skin giving her goosebumps. She couldn't explain why she did it but she grabbed the knife and sliced a new part of her body, breaking the baby skin with the blade. Then she moved to the other arm, 08/25 she almost sliced it into her skin. 

But she let go of the knife and just wrote it in sharpie multiple times before covering it up like it was a cut. 

She wanted somebody to realize she was drowning, her sobs filled her lung and her heart until she could no longer breath. She just wanted it to stop, and it wouldn't stop hurting. So she went downstairs and found her mom, “I'm going for a walk so you want to come?” She asked, trying to ingore the voice cracks.

Ellen shook her head, “I would love too! But I have to finish this work for Georgia, rain check?” She turned her head to give a hopeful smile to Max who was already about to leave the house. 

Maxine said something she forgot instantly towards her mom, and she left the house. Watching each step as she silently walked down the road, everyone's houses were lit up sometimes she saw people inside. Some were laying on the lawn looking up at the clouds with kids, some were inside watching a game, no one was alone. She checked the time, half past two and so she took a detour heading towards Joe’s shop to pick up her signature chocolate chip cookie. 

Inside she saw Norah and Abby, talking to Ginny who was in the uniform with her apron and name tag on display. She didn't feel uncomfortable though, after all they should be the ones uncomfortable since they did ditch her for each other. Abby went pale when she saw her, “Max?” She called out like she was shaking her voice. “Are you okay?” Max rubbed her eyes, maybe she looked a bit tired and maybe she hadn't brushed her hair but she looked presentable. She was sure of it. 

“Yeah I'm fine Abby.” She spoke clearly, turning her back towards the girls are waiting in line behind the short group of people. She ordered a chocolate chip cookie with a water bottle that was part of a package for only 5 dollars. Max handed five crumpled dollar bills to whoever was working, it was a boy she didn't recognize. She looked back to the girls who used to be her everything, Abby had taken out her phone texting away the use of her fingers. Ginny had gone to a table with a dad and sons, totally ignoring Max’s existence. She didn't look at Norah though, she knew what she would see and she was okay with not seeing that again. 

Maxine waved off to Joe who was too busy to notice she entered, then left. She turned a corner before she heard Abby's voice, the sound of her tunneling through the air into where she was walking away. Abby never found her though, Max knew this town too well to be caught. She didn't look where she was going, she couldn't truly, her vision was so blurry she barely saw the cars barreling through the roads and only became aware of them when they honked like hell at her walking through the street. The streetlights hadn't gone on yet so she was wandering the town in complete darkness, it was like she couldn't see the sun or maybe the sun had given up on her. If Maxine was the sun, she would have given up a while ago. 

The smell of the chocolate chip cookie fulfilled her to keep walking into she reached the park, looking for the perfect bench that wasn't wet or dirty to sit on to eat her cookie. The gooeyness was so adamant it made her sick the chocolate flowed into her mouth like a waterfall and it made her want to lay down on the grass and bask in the sunlight. It had to have been the best cookie she'd have in a while, many her whole life. It tasted so good, she couldn't imagine ever eating another cookie while this one would live in her mouth to be compared to all the other weak cookiess. 

She threw the bag into the garbage, licking the remaining cookie off her fingers and her lips. The park was empty, it was too hot for dogs to come out so the owners kept them inside. It was too sunny for women to walk around so they tanned by the pool, it was too perfect of a day for men to play Frisbee on the grass so they played golf. Everyone was somewhere better than here, someone was probably basking in the warm water of the ocean, someone was probably reeling in the happiness of their kids first time at Disneyland. So she walked the path, some paths were dirt because they were manmade; people wanted to take the shortcut so bad they formed their own path for others to follow the shortcut. 

She walked for so long it became sunset, the sun turned the sky into beautiful blues and oranges that hazed into the sky. A photo of it was probably posted on someone's story by now. She reached the house in a surprise, the walk was much faster than she anticipated. She didn't think she would be home while the sun was still out, let alone when her parents were out to do whatever they do now. She laid down on the grass, watching the clouds move slowly as time sped up. Some were in silly shapes, one was a snake she was sure of it. 

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She came out of the shower to a text from Ginny, who was supposed to be working and not texting. She wiped off the fog from the mirror, revealing the beautiful person she is. Wrapping the towel around her blonde hair the positioned it above her head to keep the water out of her face. The new moistizer she bought at the store did wonders for her skin, immediately hydrating her cheeks with noticeable effect. Georgia had always stuck to the skincare routine since she was a teenager, sure she mixed up the products sometimes to try new things but it was always the same idea. She changed into her brand new blue top, a V cut that showed just enough to keep them guessing but enough to keep the moms from whispering when she picked Austin up from camp. 

She left her phone on top of the towel she put on the toilet, the music still playing as she heard it from downstairs. Fixing up a smoothie bowl as she forgot to eat lunch, or in simple terms she slept through it with a hangover. Sprinkling in some day old blueberries and some granola to make the yogurt not hideous and tasteless she took quick scoops, almost shoving it into her face. Ginny was never a fan of yogurt even as a kid, which made Georgia think she was adopted and came from some crazy yoghurt hating woman. 

Even after she was off house arrest she loved her pink binoculars Ellen had gifted her, it gave her more stuff to notice and to laugh at secretly. Like she always saw Marcus sneaking out of his window, sometimes he would trip off the tree and land into the bush. She would see a dude walking two dogs, then one day he had a third dog, and then it disappeared after a week. The binoculars were something to pass the time, even if no one else got why she was doing it. 

She walked past the bathroom, a song muffled through the closed bathroom door sang out as Georgia grabbed her trusty binoculars. She almost left the phone but as the next song queued up and blasted it the intro verse to one of Ginny favorites she ran in and grabbed it off the towels. The towels fell to the ground so she had to put her phone down to clean them up, the message from Ginny long forgotten as she folded them neatly and tucked them away in the closet. 

Georgia suddenly remembered the laundry she forgot to take out of the washer, sitting inside the machine waiting for someone to save it. Once she closed the closet door she almost ran to the washing machine. She threw all the clothes onto the table near her, sorting the clothes into three piles for her and her kids. She assumed this load was mostly Austin's as his like was 3x bigger than both of the girls combined. She put some of her and Ginny clothes on the drying rack as they were not safe to dry without risk of shrinking and then tossed all of Austin's like into the dryer. She really had to teach the kids how to do their own laundry one day. 

Once the dryer sheets were in and the load started she remembered to respond to Ginnys text, she always tried to respond quickly so she could always rely on her mother. 

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Maxine knew her parents wouldn't be home anytime soon, their adventures always lasted hours. Marcus was off at the beach until at least sunset, he was never going to leave until he was kicked off the beach by the cops. Her neighbors don't hang out, outside and no one would notice. She slipped inside to the house, the lights were shut off so she had to use her other senses as all the blinds were shut. She knew this was the time, and she felt at peace. She didn't feel sad anymore.

She walked towards the kitchen, the knifes were just washed this morning to prepare for dinner, the sink was empty and the fridge was full. But she wasn't in the kitchen for food. She grabbed the knife with a blue handle, her mom would use it to cut fruit for school but it would do. She walked up to her room, she was already tired from her adventure of today. Her phone was empty, no new notifications or any important events. She didn't think she would do this so early it was only the 19th. But sometimes a plan doesn't go to plan, and maybe this would be her best chance to end the sadness and pain she felt every moment. Her outfit was fine, black socks, black shirt and red shorts and her hair was in the best braid she could get it in. 

She looked into the hallway, maybe hoping someone would be there to say something. She turned off the hall light, maybe she left it on when she woke up, maybe she turned it on when she came upstairs. She knew the best place for instant death was the neck, but she was scared. She heard so many stories of how much it hurt to slice her neck, and she was scared of the pain before death. She laid on the bed, her blue comforter still not made from this morning. She sliced her wrists, deep, and then she kept slicing up her arm like it was a long piece of bread. The blood started to pour out and she got light headed, but she had to finish the job. She sliced the other arm, weaker slices and then she sliced some deep cuts into her ankles for no apparent reason. 

She didn't feel herself fall back on the bed, or the knife slip from her grasp onto the floor, leaving a mark on the wood. She didn't feel herself drift to sleep or feel much pain. 

She didn't see the light.

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Georgia finally remembered to check her text messages, but apparently she had left it for a minute too long. Georgias phone had died.

Chapter Text

The first thing she noticed was that she couldn’t feel her hands. The usual cold camminess she felt when she would plant her hand on her thigh wasn’t there, she sat up looking at her hands covered in blood. The sides of her shirt had dried blood near the blood soaked spots in her carpet. She tried to stand up, but her legs wouldn’t move. It was like she was stuck on the floor, only able to look at her pathetic attempt on her body. 

She couldn’t do anything but watch the clock tick so slowly across from her, the minute hand slowly reaching the top. She couldn’t do anything when she heard the front door unlock, the distinguishable sound of footsteps falling into the house made her go cold. She couldn’t move to run, to clean up herself, or call out for them to not come in. She heard Marcus yelling at Ellen as he stomped up the stairs. 

“I totally could stay at the beach till sunset, you always ruin my plans!” Maxine heard him shout as the creaks echoed through the house, indicating he was on the stairs. He muttered something else before he stomped up the stairs, Maxine used to be scared to stomp up the stairs as the thought that she could fall through the stairs terrified her. She waited for Marcus to walk into the room, scream and call for help; but he didn’t.

Maxine felt empty, scared of what would happen when someone finally noticed her. A pain started to seep through her veins, like a sharp repetitive stab into her heart. Looking down at her arms, they were spilling blood all over her legs; she tried to wipe off the blood but it just kept gushing. Maxine screamed, she wanted someone to come… someone to save her and wipe the blood off her. 

Oddly even with all the blood and cuts around her body, her screams and cries, is it wrong that she didn’t regret it? She didn’t regret cutting her arms, her legs, doing it when no one was supposed to be home to find her. 

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The waiting room was cold. The air felt stuffy almost as if the souls of all the people lost in these very walls were floating through the halls. The seats were uncomfortable, switching to almost every seat in the waiting room didn’t help the stiff feeling waiting. When Marcus got the call, he was selfishly having fun; he was playing beach volleyball with a bunch of kids from rehab. After he spiked the ball he heard the phone ring, and he ignored it because he wanted to win the game. They lost the game and once he picked up the phone, seeing the four missed calls and seventeen texts he dropped his phone in the sand. 

He doesn’t remember who drove him to the hospital, he didn’t speak on the car ride. Memories flashed back, making his head hurt. When Maxine put on a cast made out of toilet paper to make him feel better when he broke his wrist two days before summer, she wore that cast for five days before it came apart completely. Maxine once convinced their parents to take them to an amusement park for no real reason, and it was the most fun he had that summer. 

He couldn’t go on his phone, the videos made him laugh but some made him want to drown himself to save Maxine. He never thought he would be able to relate to the people who lost a sibling, he hoped he would never have too. He couldn’t just stay and wait for the doctor to come out again, he felt like he needed comfort and no one could give him that. He read statistics of people who lost a sibling, people with siblings, empty nesters. His breath slowed when he read that by the time you’re 18, you’ve spent 90% of the time you will ever spend with your parents and siblings. 

He threw his head back, tears clouding his vision. He couldn’t be an only child. He read that when a kid loses a sibling, they lose their sibling and their parents all at once. Because what parent won’t change for the worse after losing their child? He already felt like he changed, once he got the news it was as if his emotions switched off and his personality changed. He lashed out at MAN, yelling his head off when they showed up at the hospital. Even though he knew it was not just their fault that she did… what she did. 

He was an ass to them, they showed up shortly after he was sped to the hospital. He rushed inside to sit with his parents when Ginny and Norah came first, Ginny came straight to Marcus as Abby stepped through the doors. Ginny hugged him, and he didn’t totally realize what was happening; he was still in shock. “Get off.” He muttered, coming back to his senses and he stood up making him slip her hands off him. 

Ginny looked bewildered, “Marcus-” She started to say something. Marcus couldn’t take it, she was standing right in front of him acting so sad. Though she was the one who drove her to kill herself. 

Marcus shook her head, looking around the waiting room. His parents were asleep holding hands, “I can’t believe you have the fucking nerve to come here.” He stated, his voice becoming more stern as he stepped back from the girls. They were looking at him like he could break at any moment, and maybe he would. “Get the fuck out.” 

Ginny stepped closer to him, putting her arm out and putting her hand on his shoulder. “Marcus- What happened?” Her curls were falling in front of her face, he didn’t even have the urge to push them out of her beautiful face to compass in her beauty. “Marcus, why don’t you sit-”

Marcus was taught to be a gentleman, never put hands on a woman and always be chivalrous to all. But, he just couldn’t take it. Her standing there, acting like she was there for Max. His view on Ginny, what he thought to be what true love felt like in a person, changed. She was a coward, a bitch who tosses away people once she doesn’t need them. Now Maxine was barely alive and she was standing in front of him, no tears in her eyes. “Ginny…” She looked up at him, stepping closer to him. He walked into her, lightly shoving her out of the way. “Get the fuck out of this hospital.” Ginny started to object, try and say how she was here for Maxine and that she was scared. “You ignored her for months, you didn’t notice she was fucking sad? What the hell happened to you that caused you to be this fucked up as a person.” 

Georgia’s footsteps drew his focus away from her, she had a tray of coffees. “Oh- Gin.” She looked surprised to see her, “I didn’t know more people were here… I’ll get some more coffee.” Her accent weary as she placed all the coffees down onto a table. She walked back into the hallway, the direction towards the cafeteria; she had changed into an old tee shirt that Marcus’s friend had in the back of his car as her shirt was covered in blood when she came into the hospital. 

Ginny stepped back into Marcus’s pathway, “So my mom isn’t a bitch and I am? I care about Max. She’s my friend Marcus.” She crossed her arms, her eyes turning into a sad expression that pissed Marcus off. “And I care about you.”

Marcus actually felt offended, how could he have been so blinded by love to not see the kind of person she was? He pushed his hand into her chest, “Your mother was the one who found Georgia.” He pushed her back, “She called my parents, who had to rush home from their date. She called the ambulance and waited 17 minutes for them to get around the crash on the highway. She held my dead sister in her arms for 17 minutes.” He heard Abby’s breath hitch, Norah whimpered but he couldn’t give a fuck about them. “When I came here, I saw your mom covered in blood and where were you?” 

Marcus stormed past her, heading outside the hospital to try and get the bit of fresh air he can afford. He can’t be in that room anymore, the anticipation of waiting to find out if his sister is dead or alive. Maybe he was too harsh on Ginny, but he can’t find it in himself to apologize to her because honestly he doesn’t feel sorry. He closed his eyes trying some breathing exercises he made up in his head, putting his hands in his hair, weaving through the strands. Ginny followed after him, how dumb was she? He leaned against the brick wall in front of him, his hands resting there as his body made an angle against the wall. He felt a warm hand on his back, nails lightly touching the fabric of his hoodie and he felt sick. Quickly he turned to face her, her face now blurred with tears and her freckles almost impossible to see as his eyes filled with hatred towards her. He stepped forward, leaning his eyesight down to her. She looked like a scared little girl, but what angered him was that she wasn’t scared for her. Ginny was scared for him. 

He could see Ginny’s mouth slowly move, mouthing something out as she rubbed her hand on his back trying to be soothing, “I know you’re sad, but don’t worry Max will be fine. She’s a fighter.” She chalked up a small smile and sparkles in her eyes looked at him. 

In that moment all formality he had earned his whole life disappeared, and all he saw in front of him was the girl who wanted his sister dead. Anger elevated through him, his blood felt like it was bubbling at the sight of her and he couldn’t control himself. “Stop,” He bent his head, covering his ears with his hands as he stepped back away from her. But, she followed him and cornered him against the wall calling out his name so sweetly. “Stop Ginny.” He whispered, shutting his eyes so he didn’t have to look at her, his voice so weak but when he heard her apologize to him for Max’s actions it broke the final thread holding him together. He threw his hands from his side, his vision blurred with tears and hatred as he pushed her down to the ground. “Shut the fuck up Ginny! Oh my Fucking God, are you that dense?” He screamed, his voice booming probably throughout the hospital. “Get the fuck away from me,” He stepped closer to her, trying to lift herself off the cold grass she just landed on. “I don’t ever want to fucking hear you speak again, because you are-” He couldn’t find an adjective to describe just how much he hated Ginny. “I hate you. I hate you with every fiber in my being, and I will never not hate you.” He brushed past her, minorly avoiding her hand on the ground.

He stood in the entry room of the hospital, in between the entrance and the second entrance; he just couldn’t bring himself to see all the sad faces of people who were about to break. He felt like his head was spinning, like he was losing his fucking mind every second his poor sad twin sister was in surgery. He thought she was better, she was going to the theater he had spent days searching for and she seemed excited for the big night. He had already bought five tickets for him and everyone he would force to attend, just to support her. Maybe he should have been more attentive to her, but she didn’t want him hanging around her all the time and Ginny was taking up a lot of his time since he got back from rehab. Ginny. Fuck, he hated her. Norah, another girl that Max had cherished as a friend and he had seen her be around Max his whole life. Where was she? He didn’t know Norah enough to hate her. But, he hadn’t her on Max's behalf. Abby. Maybe he didn’t hate her. Abby was one of the only girls from MANG to show up this summer and it made him feel safe leaving Max alone in her bedroom all day. She had shown up to their house multiple times a week, sometimes bringing chips, once she brought a tin of brownies that he ended up chomping down on. Would Max want to see Abby when she came back? 

He wanted to punch the wall, the brick wall with slabs engraved with concrete and bricks. It was hard enough to break his fist if he did it right, maybe it would take away some of the pain he was overwhelmed in. If this is how Max felt, he could see why she did it. But, why? The pain burst through his veins, not punching but slapping the wall just enough to give a quick burst of pain but not break anything. Why did she cut her wrists? He hit his ring finger a bit hard, making him suck on it to help ease the pain. Why did she have to do it when he wasn’t home? “Fuck,” He yelled, his shoe getting a big dark mark on it after making direct contact with the wall. Why did she want to kill herself? He started to bang his arms against the wall, coming in closer as his forearms made repetitive banging against the sturdy wall.

He stopped hitting the wall by a scream from behind him, “Marcus!” He turned to see Abby. Didn’t he send the fucking bitch home? She looked… terrible, honestly. She was wearing a very dirty grey hoodie, about three sizes too big for her and it looked as if the sleeves were ruined with mascara and dirt stains. She had shorts on but her knees were covered in dirt, some mud remnants on it as well. It made him happy a bit to see her in this condition, maybe she deserved it. “What the hell are you doing?” She stepped closer, coming from around a planted garden triangle and walking through the pathway. 

He didn’t move from the wall or speak for the matter, he didn’t know what he was doing. After a few seconds of staring at each other, both of them looked like complete wrecks. “What are you doing here Abby?” He was so tired, Ginny had worn him out and he couldn’t find it in him to scream and yell his heart out at her. 

Abby looked extremely guilty, staring down at the muddy grass in front of her. “I know you said to leave-” She stopped, turning towards the hospital. “But, I couldn’t… leave her.” Her tear stained eyes looked at him, even far away he could see the mascara lines running down her cheeks and how her nose was red. “I didn’t want to be away from her…” She didn’t say the next part of the sentence, but he knew. They both knew why she couldn’t leave.

“Did the others stay too?” He asked, his heart feeling with hatred at the thought of them all huddled together in a car. Leaving out Maxine once again, especially now. She looked like a deer in headlights, her face pale as she shook her head repeatedly denying any relation to them today.

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“We’re losing her!” The newly hired doctor shouted to a room full of trained professionals, but no one seemed to know the exact trick to save her. Her blood pressure was since she arrived, they had done a blood transfusion and it didn’t help the pressure at all. She had a seizure when they got her into the ambulance and were praying that it didn’t happen again, especially when she was so fragile under their care. “I need more blood! It’s not enough!” She’s gone into shock quickly, her hands are losing color as they seem to be the first to go. 

A more experienced doctor entered the room, a nurse putting gloves on him and tying the back for him to be quick to help. “Get more fluids in her ASAP.” He yelled, screaming at the nurses as he took over the care that the new hire was administering for her. “Why is she losing blood so quickly? We just did a massive blood transfusion?” He asked the doctors who were with her the whole time. 

The doctor stitching the many wounds around her legs shook his head, “Blood shortage, we had less than a thousand volunteers for blood donations this year. We couldn’t use all the blood we had on her, we had another boy coming in after being run over.” More doctors have come in, some trying to accelerate the speed of stitching up the many slashes along her body and others trying to stop the bleeding to not have to use anymore blood.

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“Hello? No, I’ve been on hold for the last twenty minutes-” The line went dead after an apology about how they were having some technical difficulties. SHe called back, “Yes, no, yes I need a refund. My screen broke, it was supposed to be indestructible and it was totally smashed. I want a new one or a fucking refund!” She let slip the anger she had, her screen totally smashed as it flew through her hand straight onto the hard wood floors and bounced directly onto the railing where it then landed screen first onto the edge of a sharp corner. “It broke today.” She repeated for what felt like the thirtieth time, she couldn’t stand just waiting for a doctor to come and tell them what was happening with Maxine. Her screen was so messed up she could barely look at it, not to mention every time she saw the cracked screen she was reminded of what caused it. 

Her phone charger was downstairs, but she didn’t have a rush to get to it so she strolled down the stairs. She took her time, opening the fridge and trying to think of what to cook for dinner before realizing she would just order out again. She grabbed the phone charger and walked back towards her bedroom, stopping in the bathroom to freshen up her look just to stay sharp. Did those minutes she took for herself cost Maxine her life? Did it cost her only friend at the moment and her husband the greatest pain a parent could imagine? Once her phone had rebooted itself, it hadn’t been updated in a few weeks so once it turned back on it went through two updates taking forever to reach 100% updated. Georgia busied herself by tidying up the bedroom, picking up a few socks and tossing them in the hamper before the sound showed the phone was on. All notifications were wiped, but she always opened her messages first and saw an unread message from Ginny, one from Joe, and one from Abby. Strange, she forgot Abby even had her number. “Yes, it’s halfway gone though.” She responded to Ginny asking about the homemade peach pie that was brought by Ellen a few days prior. Joe had asked how she was doing and she wrote a quick passage ending it with happy thoughts and asking him some questions. 

“did u see max go inside” She read the message from Abby, her improper spelling and grammar reminding her so much of Ginny. “i think something is wrong with her, im walking to her house now can you please knock on her door and dont let her be alone” She read the message sent fifteen minutes ago, she peered herself onto the balcony looking at the home.

No cars were in the driveway and Marcus’s dirtbike that he had convinced his parents to keep for emergencies was still in the driveway so she didn’t think anyone was home. Though, the hall light was on that she could see. The dim light shining from the curtains, barely visible to anyone with no little pink binoculars. Though she always liked the little red head, not at first when she was a shoplifting little thief but now she was a nice girl. “Hello?” She called out, knocking on the wood door repeatedly with no answer. 

She cupped her hands over her eyes to look through the windows, all the lights were off but something felt off. No one was home, but the hall light was on. Ellen always told her how turning off the lights whenever they weren’t in the room saved them tons of money per year. Maybe she had forgotten? Georgia started to walk back off their property, maybe call Ellen and ask but she couldn’t shake the feeling something was wrong. Afterall, Abby seemed very scared. She grabbed the spare key Ellen had given her months prior for emergencies, and this seemed like an emergency. Wait, was she overreacting? No, no she had her reasons as she unlocked the front door, hiding the key in her back pocket and closing the door behind her. “Max?” She called out, the house looked deserted, nothing like she’d ever seen in this home. 

She kept thinking, what if she was Ginny? That’s what gave her the confidence that she wasn’t being a stalker creep to walk up the stairs, and enter Max’s bedroom. She dropped her phone in the doorway and it bounced down the stairs, she couldn’t hear the marks and banging it was making as it fell down a story; all she was focused on was the blood stain, the huge blood stain she could see from the doorway. She shook herself out of shock and ran into the bedroom, her heart almost stopping when she saw it. She was so small, so pale, and so… bloody. She ran to her, forgetting all medical experience she had ever heard or saw in her life and she picked her up. The blood was still flowing, but not much which worried her. Georgia didn’t realize but she started to scream, she screamed so loud it hurt her head as she ran down the stairs. She couldn’t even fathom how she got all the way outside with no vision but when she came to her senses she was laying outside in the grass, 9-1-1 already on the phone as she screamed for them to hurry up and that she was dying. Neighbors started to peer out the windows, the screaming echoing through the neighborhood and everyone started to crowd her as she screamed and cried in Max’s limp body. Halfway through she remembered CPR existed and she dropped her body down on the ground, cringing at the thud it made before she started to lightly compress her chest. Someone pushed her away and said something about being a doctor, as they started to push her down; Max’s chest was being almost attacked by the man and he was going so fast… why was he hurting her? 

Ellen and Clint’s car flew down the street, they stopped the car in the middle of the street as they screamed for the crowd to move. Ellen started to cry at the sight, collapsing into Clint’s arms and Georgia couldn’t look at her for too long before she almost cried again. She couldn’t remember anything from those ten minutes, but she did remember the haunting sounds of Ellen screaming, “Maxine! Maxine! Maxine please!” She cried, her voice piercing through the sobs as passersbys tried to comfort her with no luck. The ambulance had taken Maxine away, she had realized she was staring at the red stained grass until Ellen had shaken her back to reality. The ambulance ride was silent, she couldn’t look at the machines they had Maxine on, the constant beeping that was keeping her alive. At the hospital she realized she never told Abby what happened, and Abby would just have to find out for herself.

Chapter Text

He tried to forget about the hospital as the days went on, his friends tried to make him feel better but it was utterly useless. He only woke up each day so his parents wouldn’t have to deal with it again, he couldn’t do that to his mom. She had raised fourteen thousand dollars on Gofundmes with Georgia running them to help pay the overloading and endless hospital bills, she tried to keep them away from him but he saw one for 60k before insurance and he couldn’t stop seeing that number. Ginny hadn’t gotten the message as her countless texts and sympathetic excuses that showed up at his door showed and he would tell her to get a fucking clue and get off his porch, but he didn’t have the energy to yell at her again. He felt like he should feel bad for her, usually he would see her and Georgia walking around together and being what the town labeled them as a troublesome duo. After the incident, Georgia hasn’t gone home. It seems every time he comes downstairs she’s there, either making coffee for his mom or just watching TV. 

After the fifth hour of laying on his twin sister's floor, the newly bought rug covering the blood stained into the wood is what he used as a mattress most days now. “I’m going out.” He poked his head into his parents bedroom, his dad off at work as he’s been almost every second of the day and his mom asleep in the middle of the bed. Marcus held his breath as he closed the door, muttering a goodbye before he walked outside. He was pissed at everything now, the sun for shining so bright when the world felt so dark, his neighbors for not catching her slitting her hands before it was too late, and himself for not being at home. He didn’t want to walk in the broad daylight, lately in the small town of his, he and his family had become a sort of celebrity with whenever they walk, apologies and sad hearts get thrown at them. It pissed him off that people were acting so fake, when he was the one who felt like his body was dying from the inside out.

As chimes sounded that he had entered he felt as if all eyes were on him, the door closed behind him and he tried to ignore the table of people who were staring at him. Joe turned around, his apron hanging on by a very loose knot and he shooed off the boy who was working the register. “Hey Marcus,” He put down the shake he was shaking, turning it upside down before giving the order away to the boy. “What can I get for ya?” 

The bakery selection looked cold to his eyes, the lemon cake looking like it had been out for days, the blueberry muffins with a full platter, and the sugar cookies that looked like shit. “Got any chocolate chip?” He scrambled around in his pockets, pulling out his old battered wallet. Joe always priced everything in the store at a fair price, which is why everybody came after school. 

Joe pulled out two chocolate chip cookies, placing them in a white paper bag and writing a sloppy message with his pen in his apron before sliding them over. “2 bucks.” He tapped some buttons into the machine, Marcus knew he was giving him a discount but at least Joe wasn’t treating him like a baby who can’t buy a cookie. Marcus handed him a couple dollar bills placing the extras in a tip jar and exiting the store as quickly as he came in, by now the people watching him have found something else to engage their interests so he could slip out easily. 

Marcus pushed his headphones on over his ears, the walk home was long and the stares felt like they were closing in on him. 

“Life’s too short to even care at all… Ooh Oh”

Maxine had been obsessed with music lately, blasting it through her phone whenever the two were home alone. He used to hate but every moment the house stays quiet he misses it so bad.

“I’m losing my mind, losing 
my mind, losing control
These fishes in the sea
They’re staring at me Oh-Oh

Oh-oh-oh-oh
A wet world aches
For a beat of a drum
Oh-oh-oh-oh”

Marcus pushes the gate at the back of his home, keeping the backyard away from anyone in the woods or just lonesome deer looking to munch on the garden. His mom was probably off at the hospital, that's where she spent her whole day nowadays and his dad was always working. He had taken double the shifts ever since the hospital bills started to arrive, and the GoFundMe helped the first night but not anymore. No one cared enough to donate anymore.

“Oh-oh-oh-oh
If I could find a way
To see this straight
I’d run away

To some fortune that I, I
Should have found by now
I’m waiting for this, cough syrup
To come down, come down”

Marcus kicked open Maxine’s door, it had recently been painted white to match the rest of the doors in the hall. At the beginning of the year Maxine had fought so hard to keep the painted handprints that were planted on the outside of her door and eventually they had agreed. She must have painted it sometime recently, little marks left from the wrong usage of brush and a few fingerprints showed the amateur way of painting.

The song ended with a slow beat towards the end, Marcus had taken off his headaches for a few moments to take off his sweatshirt and get changed into another black hoodie. He stayed in his black basketball shorts; he must have gotten them sometime in middle school when Maxine persuaded him to try out for the team (even if he sucked at the game). He collapsed on top of Maxine’s bed. Ellen had recently made the bed; washing all the sheets and going to the laundromat to wash the duvet as “when she gets home, she doesn’t want to lay in old bedding.” Ellen had repeated to Clint late at night. He almost forgot about his headphones, putting them back on in the middle of the song, 

“I’m a survivor (what?)
I’m not gon’ give up (what?)
I’m gon’ work hard (what?)
I’m a survivor (what?)”

As the lyrics infiltrated into his eardrums, tears started to form. He yanked the headphones off, throwing them on the floor effectively shattering the piece that had the most impact on the cheap little cover. He hadn’t cried yet, which was odd; he might have laid in bed staring at the ceiling in the dark hours of the morning. But, he had never cried yet. Maybe because in his mind, once he cried she was gone; forever. So he wiped his tears, gliding his right fist over his eyes and nose and then patting his sleeve over his face. He laid on her bed, totally messing up the covers but he would definitely fix them before Ellen would see again. 

He couldn’t take it, and as the phone rang for what seemed like five million years he felt himself slipping away from consciousness and from his soul. “Marcus? What’s wrong?” The voice broke through his state, he sat up quickly putting the phone in the palm of his hand and he broke.

Max’s room was cleaned, once she had spent four days in the hospital and Ellen was brought home by Georgia she had spent the entire day obsessively cleaning it. She had cleaned the floors, vacuumed the rug, retaped any failed corners of posters that were falling, and she had folded all laundry floating around the house that was hers. Marcus’s voice broke, quivering. “Mom?” He stopped, staring at the mirror in front of him. “Mom, I can’t do this without her.”

He didn’t hear anything audible on the other side, and his head kept swiveling around the room. Everything was so fucking clean, and it wasn’t Max clean; why couldn’t it just be Max clean? “Baby, Marcus…” He could hear his mother’s voice hitch, “Honey where are you?” He couldn’t understand why she sounded this way, she sounded like she was about to break through the phone for him. “Baby… please don’t do anything. Where are you? I’ll pick you up okay?” He could hear wind through the speaker, like she was outside. “Marcus, where are you?” Her voice now sounded a lot more frantic, Marcus had only heard her like this once when Maxine had gotten lost (She ended up wandering to the toy store instead of the vegetable section).

It finally clicked why she was so frantic, as he looked down at the rug almost as if he had x-ray vision he could see the blood splatter. He could see her limp body against Georgia’s torso, and he could see the scrapes along the wood flooring from where the knife had stabbed the floor. “Mom, I’m okay.” He reassured her, “I’m at home, I’m in Max’s room.” He could hear the car engine click and then start humming, probably as Ellen drove out of the hospital parking lot.

He heard his mom say something about staying there, but he took the phone off speaker. It felt physically exhausting having to continue the conversation; even if he felt bad. For some odd reason he couldn’t quite place, probably because it was so deep in himself that it would have freaked him out if he had thought of it; he opened the door. The bathroom door, it hadn’t been opened since the day. Max had closed it before the incident, and Ellen couldn’t bring herself to open it like she was breaking her daughter's trust. Which is why Ellen had placed Max’s diary on top of the dresser, placed the many plain envelopes with everyone's names on her desk, she couldn’t bring herself to touch her daughter’s private thoughts. Marcus didn’t care as much to not open the bathroom door, it seemed… normal, oddly normal. Nothing was different and it was spotless clean, not Ellen clean but Max clean. Why had she spent time cleaning this and not her room? What was so important?

Marcus felt himself getting angry, why were there so many stupid questions that he would never get the answer too. He felt like his thoughts were clouded by anger, he knew it was wrong to be opening her drawers and closing it to find just makeup. When he opened the cabinet below the sink, his heart literally skipped a beat. He threw the old tee shirt at the wall, he wasn’t even thinking that maybe the blood would stain the white wall or that it would stain his hand. He felt sick to his stomach, the shirt was his. The shirt covered in blood was his from years ago.

“FUCK!” He screamed, he kicked his foot directly into the cabinet, slamming his hands onto the marble counter. When he looked into the mirror, he didn’t recognize who he saw; he saw someone different. He just missed his fucking sister, and he couldn’t do shit.

His vision was blurred, probably tears but he couldn’t do anything. He wanted someone to fucking pay for the pain and agony he was feeling whenever he woke up. Why was she the only one in pain? His footsteps echoed throughout the room, he stomped down the stairs with one letter in his hand. The letter addressed to Ginny. He felt nauseous holding this, holding his sister’s suicide note in his hands; and maybe he felt a twinge of guiltiness but it was overcome with anger (and perhaps some grief). As he walked the short distance to Ginny’s house, memories clouded his brain and the tears fell from his eyes down to the street below him. When he had sat all night with Max who was crying her eyes out because Ginny had posted a picture of them three at the amusement park, when Max couldn’t breathe through her sobs in Marcus’s bed because Ginny had told her that it was okay they drifted apart, and when Max had closed the door leaving her and Marcus alone as she told him that Ginny had blocked her everywhere. She had asked for him to break up with her, and he was stupidly blinded by whatever the fuck he thought he was in with Ginny to do it. 

He knew Georgia wouldn’t be home, Austin was a wild card but he couldn’t give a shit if he heard this. So he knocked on the door, his fist banging against the wood. He knocked a couple more times before she opened the door and he barged his way inside. “Marcus…!” She exclaimed, a mix of excitement and confusion laced within her words. Was it wrong that when he looked at her, he just saw Max’s limp body?

Marcus shook his head, exclaiming a loud sigh and throwing his hands into his hair. He ripped open the letter, labelled in cursive handwriting ‘Ginny’ and he slammed it into her chest. Maybe in another time he would feel abusive towards her, he was so much stronger. But after all words hurt more than actions, and she used hateful… hateful words to Max. He hadn’t read it, he wouldn’t invade Max’s privacy like that. “Read this,” He repeated pushing it into her before she grabbed the letter. “I don’t know what the fuck it says, but I hope you know what a fucking piece of SHIT you are Ginny. I don’t know, I genuinely have no clue how your mom and you are related because you must have been born on the edge of hell.” He could tell she was crying, sounds or sobs were filling his ears but he couldn’t stop. His vision was so clouded he couldn’t see her, his tears were running down his face. “I hope you know that you killed her. It doesn’t even fucking matter if she’s alive in twenty years, but just know that you killed her. You killed a bubbly, happy, fucking-” He couldn’t think of any reason for why Ginny was like this, “I mean fuck, she was YOUR FRIEND.”

Ginny tried to apologize, she ran her cold hands down his face wiping the tears away. She repeated phrases and words, signing I’m sorry so many times. Eventually Marcus couldn’t keep up the conversation, he rushed out of the house as the air was invading his lungs and he couldn’t breath. With large gasps of air, his hands on his knees as he stood in the middle of the road he could see why. He could understand Max. 

Eventually he was in his mothers arms, he somehow was in his living room as his mother kept whispering affirmations to him as he cried. “Mom, I don’t know how to do this if she dies.” Marcus eventually broke, it was his first full sentence in a while; he couldn’t keep up the fake appearances. “Mom… she needs to live.” He cried for a bit, all the built up defences he had kept up with rocks and sticks to stop the dam from flooding collapsed.

He awoke the next day dreading every new hour, he couldn’t keep living like this. He was constantly in fear of what could come in the form of one text message, until he had enough. He grabbed his helmet he had stashed away in the garage, and tested the engine of his bike; it worked. It was raining heavily, but he couldn’t stay at home any more. He drove out of the neighborhood at ease, avoiding the large puddles and not driving too fast on the slippery roads. He had his busted headphones on as he sped down to the road, 

“Mama, just killed a man
Put a gun against his head
Pulled my trigger, now he’s dead
Mama, life had just begun”

He revved his engine, going over sixty an hour as his motorcycle sped down the road. 

“But, now I’ve gone
 and thrown it all away”

If you looked closely it was as if the tires were slowly turning smooth with the impact against the road. He did a few accidental wheelies, speeding hoping to reach the hospital the fastest he could. The music blasted through his headphones, the helmet a bit loose from being over the headphones.

“Mama, uuuuhhhh
Didn’t mean to make you cry
If i’m not back again
 this time tomorrow

Carry on, carry on
As if nothing really matters
Too late, my time has come
Sends shivers down my spine”

Marcus revved his engine a final time, narrowly missing a head-on collision with a semi turning left as the end was in sight. The faint outline in the fogged and blurry vision of his eyes shows the hospital, he’s so close to the finish line. He can see the cars all waiting in the parking lot, how many of them had grieving people sobbing in them? How many of the cars had hope as they waited in the waiting room? How many of them would never drive home, because the owner died here? He reached his max speed as he quickly turned into the parking lot, slowing it down hugely before hitting a parked car and he dumped his bike on the sidewalk leaving it leaning against the wall. 

“Body’s aching all the time
Goodbye, everybody, 
I’ve got to go
Got to leave you all behind”

He had memorized the way towards her room after the fifth coffee trip from the cafeteria, and Ellen and Georgia must have been out as the room was empty. The beeping and other machine sounds kept the room not utterly silent as Marcus grabbed a chair and scooted next to his sister. He opened his music, turning off the playlist Max had created at the start of last year for high school energy and left his headphones hanging by his neck. 

Eventually he fell asleep, his body slouched back against the chair as his grip loosened holding barely onto Max’s hand. The tubes she had all over her body made it hard to even touch a part of her, but her hands were tubefree as long as Marcus avoided the IV inserted into her arm. 

He was startled awake by gurgling, or choking? His headphones fell off, the wire getting stuck around his hand as they hung in the air as Marcus stood up. He stumbled over his words, his eyes growing wider and more scared. “Uh- Nurse! NURSE!” He screamed eventually at the top of his lungs, his sister was moving; she was attempting to cough the tube in her mouth out. “NURSE!” He let go of her hand, running out of the room and screaming it to the hallway. 

The nurses gently took out the tube from her mouth as Max coughed a lot, he couldn’t see her as she was crowded entirely by different nurses. “She’s up.” he texted to the family groupchat, before putting his phone back in his pocket; a smile creeping on his face.