Chapter Text
when i unsit myself from the bliss that was unconsciousness, staring in front of me is the glaring remembrance that he's gone. if i hadn't kept him so hidden, i'd built some pathetic shrine to him in my closet.
i'm still in the same clothes as i was last night, and i have work at eight. i leave my jeans and shirt in my room, then properly undress in the bathroom. i turn the water on and start counting in my head, just so i don't use up the hot water. i do what i need to, and get out after five minutes. my hair is a bit damp by the end of it, so i go back to my bed. i think about "having fun" but the mood is off, so instead i tie my hair up and put my headphones in, scrolling on my ipod. i need something uplifting, but it's tough to find such a thing. my taste isn't picky as long as it's sad: emo, grunge, soft rock, rap, even goth, though for obvious reasons that's not happening.
i spend thirty minutes just scrolling for something remotely joyful, until i just say fuck it and listen to paramore. i'm in this gloomy blur when i feel my hair is dry enough, so i put a pause on the song i had on and put my uniform on.
i don't know if i hated red before or after cvs took my resumé, but it's very rare i associate with it (although the shirt i had on yesterday had red letters, but at least they aren't that ugly crimson i have to wear on saturdays) anymore.
i leave at 7:40 and start walking into the downtown. i live in the suburb of a suburb, truly only shit that can happen in america. i clock in for the four hours, and time begins slowing. because theyres no point. after this, i'll go home, and then what?
seriously, may god damn you maura. you pathetic excuse. to be such a desperate BITCH. just as i start to pray she forgets about me in the same way i wish i could, she waltzes into the damn store.
i don't even look back, thankfully roger gave me work in the back, but I'm set to be on the shop floor by 11. they'res no way she can waste three hours waiting for me. but knowing maura, she will find a way.
it's difficult to think of what to do, so i take inventory as slowly as possible, and then restock the atm out the front, where, like a rabid hound, she pounces at me.
maura : how ironic.
i don't say anything to her. and it's a conscious war. it's be so easy to feed her little web and she'll milk me for all I'm worth, which unluckily for her, is next to zero.
maura : how did your date with isaac go?
god, I have to bite down at my bottom lip with chewable force. has she ever known to fuck off?
maura : will, earth to will, earth to grayscale! me : can you KNOCK IT OFF? good god...
look, it's not an easy method to avoid those who are actively choosing to piss you off, not least those you're trapped with.
maura : oooh, scandalous, raising your voice... wonder what would happen if someone told your boss...
i dart my eyes around for a brief moment, 360 degrees in a second..
maura : how i wonder...
i pull the mildly creased 20 out of my coat pocket, and shove it into her hands.
me : you say nothing and leave me the fuck alone. maura : fine, a shame you couldn't just go through with something.
let it be known, if I was to go through something, it would result in maura's untimely demise at 16. i wouldn't extend that same relief on myself.
i go back to the store cupboard, and speed through the rest of my tasks there. by 10:40, i've done everything until i get called up to check out. I just stay there and take in the industrial bleakness.
i get called up a little early, but it's a bit easier to deal with than when I thought I was safe, at least i can expect trouble. getting through the final hour of my shift means i can walk home, and i think of what to do.
i might have to just bite the bullet with this one, because if i don't say it soon enough, maura will probably say something about it : i'm definitely gay.
it's no longer a question, but it's not easy to address, so i'm probably just going to blurt it out when it feels impossible to ignore....
I put the key to the door and tilt my wrist, pushing the door in.
mom : will?
shit. that tone indicates a question, and fear, a fair bit of fear.
mom : what went wrong last night? i didn't see you until you were asleep, but even then I could tell you were upset.
i don't think the truth is even real anymore, i'm so confused by isaac being maura that i can't even fathom a lie for it. so in a way, she still outed me.
me : look, mom, i'm totally gay, and i'd appreciate if you could get the whole freak out over now, because, yeah, we have the rest of our lives to deal with it, but the sooner we get through the agony part, the better.
mom : the agony part?
me : you know, you praying for my soul and cursing me for not giving you grand babies with a wife and saying how incredibly disappointed you are.
mom : you really think i'd do that?
me : it's your right, i guess. but if you want to skip that step, it's fine with me.
mom : I think i want to skip that step.
me : really?
mom : really.
me : wow, i mean, that's cool.
mom : can i at least have a moment or two for surprise?
me : sure, i'm gonna go feed the fish and take my meds. knock for me when you've processed it.
i go to my door, and wash the pills down with the stale water on my dresser. then I go into the drawer and grab the fish pellets.
mom knocks, i open the door
me : are you gonna tell me you knew all along?
mom : no, but I was wondering who isaac was.
me : isaac? were you spying on me too?
mom : no, it's just-
me : what?
mom : you would say his name in your sleep. i wasn't spying, but i could hear it.
me : wow
mom : don't be mad.
me : how could I be mad?
this awkward pause... i keep repeating "i'm here" in my head. shit.
mom : did you see isaac when you were in chicago?
me : no... no i didn't. but I wanted to. I'd don't go to the mathletes event, i went to see isaac.
I could blame this impulse on the fact that my meds take a while to kick in, but that's only for long term effects. I'm consistent enough with it to the point where this is the weakest excuse i could
say.
mom : oh, will, i wish you'd have told me...
me : well, it's all fine now. because he never existed.
these words are actually leaving my lips. my eyes drift away from her and i feel that weird queasiness you get when you cry for a long time, even though it's been hours since.
mom : what do you mean he never existed? do i need to call dr. keebler?
me : no, he was maura all along. I met him on IM, and I know that was wrong, and dangerous, and I never should have done it.
mom : sorry will, just give me a second...
and now the fear seeps into me, her brow is creasing, but it's more i-have-a-headache-from-the-lights than i-wish-i-never-had-the-sex-that-conceived-you.
mom : so that's why you were crying last night?
my head nods.
mom : will, heartbreak is never easy. I should be mad, but you know i don't want to push you too far. if you need me, let me know, i want you to feel like I'll help. you got that?
she reaches her hand out, and I return her gesture in an apprehensive jostle of my hand.