Chapter Text
"We're here." Chinnery said, still cheery as ever.
"Thank fucking god!" Stella huffed.
They all stumbled out of the car into the car park at Royston Vasey Secondary. Herr Lipp followed Geoff out of his side, foot catching as he stepped out. Or at least, that's what he claimed.
"Gerroff me!" Geoff yelled, practically jumping out of his skin.
"I am apologies but I was falling and I needed something substantial to grab onto, you see" Herr Lipp looked Geoff up and down as he said this.
"Like fuck you did."
"Geoff, please!" Chinnery hissed. "We are at the school now so please keep you language PG."
"Alright, alright." Geoff grunted.
They all made their way to the main entrance, Stella still dragging on her cigarette.
"You should really put that out, you know." Alvin advised her.
She frowned at him, reluctantly dropped her cigarette to the ground and squished it with the bottom of her shoe.
"There, are you happy now? You've made me ruin my best heels."
Just as they were about to make their way towards the entrance, a familiar figure rushed to greet them.
"Are you the rest of them?"
"Rest of who?" Geoff asked.
"The exam invigilators, of course! It's almost showtime, people!"
"Ohhhh yeah." He said. "Well, I'm only doing it for the money, so..."
Ollie sighed, looking at the unlikely bunch in front of him. Chinnery, as raring and ready to go as Ollie was. Alvin, helplessly, adorably awkward. Stella, most likely to attempt strangulation on an unsuspecting child. Herr Lipp, most likely to exude perversion upon an unsuspecting child. And Geoff, who did not seem to give a flying-
"Are the others inside, Ollie?" Chinnery asked.
"They've all been inside since 7:45!" Ollie hissed. "They were up and here while you five were dawdling!"
"Well I did have four people to pick up, for christ sake!"
"Don't take that attitude with me, veterinary." Ollie said, stepping closer. "Or else I'll have to think about sending you on your way."
"But we've car pooled-"
"Does it look like I care?" Ollie snapped. There was silence for about five seconds.
"Right!" He said suddenly, clapping his hands together. "Shall we go in?"
Herr Lipp trotted over excitedly. "Yes, I'm desperate to come inside!"
And with that, they followed Ollie in, Chinnery already verging on a migraine, Herr Lipp already aroused, and Stella wondering why the hell she'd agreed to this in the first place.
The exam hall was as you'd expect. Big. Empty. Full to the brim with chairs, tables and exam papers. Chinnery thought it was like magic about to be made. Geoff thought it was an excuse to make money for nothing.
"Right, here we are!" Ollie said. "Come on, come on, find somewhere to stand!"
Harvey Denton was already stood at the front, staring at the sea of empty chairs. "Lateness will not be accepted henceforth."
Chinnery tried to protest. "We weren't late, Har-"
"Yes, you were."
Chinnery ignored him, resigned to his fate.
Meanwhile, Pauline and Ross were stood at opposite ends of the hall, attempting to write on the whiteboard.
"You can't use that kind of pen, Ross!" Pauline snapped, "It's all wrong. Here, let me do it!"
"I know how to write on a board, Pauline." Ross said, quickly moving his hand away from her outstretched arm.
"Yes, well, you're not the one who's worked in the employment service for 20 years."
"That may be, but I'm also not the one who got fired from the employment service for endangerment and abuse of power."
"Oh, shut it Ross, you worthless gobshite! What are you doing here anyway if you've got a job?"
"If you must know, I like organising the papers."
"Well that's just sad." Stella said as she strutted past.
Ross and Pauline shared a look before she launched herself at him in an attempt to grab the pen. The, frankly, weak kerfuffle that followed was short lived as Alvin made his way over.
"Excuse me, chums, but you wouldn't mind if I wrote on the board. I've got some pretty good experience from our notice board at the hotel." He said, with his classic grin beaming across his face.
"Piss off!" Pauline yelled, before finally snatching the pen from Ross's hands.
Ross threw his hands up in the air in defeat and made his way over to the rest of the group to introduce himself.
"Ross Gaines." He simply said. "Pleased to meet you."
"Ah, Ross!" Chinnery smiled, shaking his hand. "I don't believe we've met."
"No, I'm not much of a fan of pets." He said. "Gets hair and marks on the furniture."
"I know who you are." Stella said. "You're always going on about dole scum like me, aren't you? Well my Charlie earns enough money for the two of us, so you can fuck right off."
Everyone stared at her, which wasn't surprising considering "bananagate".
"And you can all fuck off an' all."
She disappeared, muttering something about having another cigarette.
"For the record," Ross said. "I said nothing."
"She's a nutter, that one." Geoff muttered. "Wouldn't let me get in on the pavement side of that rust bucket Chinnery calls a car! I swear they were both out to kill me! Well, they can think again, because they know I've got this gun!"
Geoff did, indeed, pull out a gun. Ross's mouth opened wide, and right on queue, Ollie turned and saw him.
"GEOFF!" He shouted. "WHAT IN HELL'S NAME ARE YOU DOING WITH A GUN?!"
"Now Geoff, we don't want to see anyone dead on our first day on the job, do we?" Chinnery said. "Give me the gun, and we can all move on, alright?"
"I'll tell you what Geoff, he's right about that." Alvin said suddenly. "Guns are a dangerous business. Me and my Sunny, we once-"
Ross turned quickly. "ALVIN, DOES IT LOOK LIKE WE CARE?!"
Alvin's face fell, and he wandered off to the corner of the room. He sniffled a bit, and his glasses fogged, but nothing more happened past that. There was too much going on.
"Right!" Harvey suddenly shouted. "You, young man, will give me the gun."
"NO I WON'T!"
"Give. Me. The. Gun."
Harvey stared, and the room watched as Geoff's icy stare melted in record time. He gave Harvey the gun, and it was swiftly thrown in the bin. Ollie was stood, frozen and wide-eyed, staring in horror at how out of control things had gotten.
"Excuse me a moment, I think I'm going to be sick." Ollie muttered, disappearing.
"Oh dear, oh dear..." Chinnery sighed. "Ollie, come back!"
"So," Harvey said. "We have one invigilator feeling green around the gills - though I personally beg to differ - and the vet having gone MIA."
"That means missing in action!" Geoff exclaimed. "We learnt that in the TA's!" He cackled and nudged Ross who looked thoroughly unamused.
"Yes, thank you, gunslinger." Harvey said. "Now, Mr. Plimsolls' orders..."
A faint flushing noise was heard from the end of hall.
"Apologies for ze late arrival, ze handle needed a...how you say...real good tug." Herr Lipp said.
"That's disgusting." Pauline said.
"Oh good, you're back." Ross said, sarcastically.
Harvey swivelled on his heels to face Herr Lipp. "I do hope you washed your hands thoroughly."
"I gave zem a good squirt, yes." He smiled.
"Right... so as I was saying, Mr. Plimsolls' orders are that we are to split up." Harvey said. "He has a spreadsheet - something which I have read and reread a few times over - of how we will be paired each day."
"Of course he has a bloody spreadsheet." Geoff muttered.
"There are nine of us, and there's three rooms." Harvey explained. "So Ollie believes it best that five of us remain, and four of us split into pairs to take care of those with, 'upgrades'."
"Go on then, who's with who?" Ross asked.
"Well, it says here that on this occasion, it is yourself and Pauline-"
"Oh for fuck sake."
"Language, Mr. Gaines." Harvey said.
"How the fuck did you hear that?!"
Harvey didn't dignify that with a response. "As I was saying, Geoff and Matthew will be in the other "specialist room"..."
"You say specialist as if that's a bad thing, Harvey!" Chinnery said with a smile, entering the room with Ollie in tow.
"I swear to god, if I end up in a room with Royston Vasey's answer to the terminator, I'm quitting!" He hissed.
"Well lucky for you, my lad, Geoff's with young Matthew here."
"You hear that, Chinnery?" Geoff asked. "We're paired up."
"Yes, and I look forward to it."
"So that leaves myself, Ollie, Alvin, Herr Lipp, and Stella." Harvey continued. "Where, pray tell, is Stella?"
"I was outside having a fag."
They turned, and Herr Lipp grinned. "I had a fag once! In fact, I have had multiple of ze fags! Many, many during my time in England."
"Ooh, bit of a dark horse; I didn't know you smoked!" Pauline said with a wink.
"I don't!" He replied. "I have no idea what you are talking about."
There was a moment, about fifteen seconds, where nobody knew what to say.
Then Geoff's eyes widened in childish glee. "Oh my god..."
"What?" The group asked.
"HE IS A BUMMER!"
"Geoffrey!" Chinnery said, exasperated. "We've spoken about this, the children will be here soon and that language is not acceptable!"
"Soz about that."
Chinnery was about to leave, muttering something about a migraine, when Ollie interrupted.
"There's no time for that veterinary, the children are coming!" He exclaimed with his usual bravado. Whatever wave of nausea had overcome him clearly hadn't affected him much.
Pauline grabbed her box of pens, Geoff grabbed his coat, and Chinnery smoothed over his jumper, his usual yellow one.
"Places, everyone!" Ollie exclaimed. "The show is about to begin!"