Archive of Our Own ^beta

'This back and forth hurts like hell
Still think we're heaven sent'

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Nestled on the 8th floor, there’s a luxurious loft apartment. It is the epitome of sophistication fused with urban charm. Upon entering, you are greeted by an expansive open-plan living area, where the lofty ceilings soar to impressive heights, accentuating the spaciousness and airiness of the interior. The living area is drenched in natural light shining through floor-to-ceiling windows that offer panoramic views of the cityscape below. The polished hardwood flooring gleams underfoot, adding warmth and richness to the airy space. A plush, oversized sectional sofa sits invitingly at the heart of the room, adorned with pillows in neutral tones and luxurious fabrics. Adjacent to the seating area, a modern fireplace framed by sleek marble serves as a focal point, creating a cozy ambiance.

If you take the hall to the third door, you’re greeted by a master bedroom that’s a sanctuary of tranquility. Featuring the same grand windows, the space is awash in natural light by day and city glow by night. The king-sized bed, dressed in lavish linens, commands attention, flanked by sleek side tables with minimalistic lamps. The en-suite bathroom rivals that of a high-end spa. A freestanding soaking tub, perfectly positioned to enjoy the skyline views, invites relaxation. The glass-enclosed rain shower complements the tub, while the double vanity, topped with white marble, offers abundant space. Warm, ambient lighting and heated tile floors complete the luxurious atmosphere.

Opening directly from the living area, the expansive balcony is an outdoor haven. Furnished with sleek patio furniture and greenery, it provides the perfect spot for sipping coffee in the morning, enjoying sunset views, or entertaining under the stars. Tall solid railing made to hide anyone from about the chest down- intentionally of course.

The entire apartment was used not for living- instead, exclusively for filming adult scenes. A waste. It had gotten an upgrade since Henry had been here last, but that had been a year and a half. The couch was new, more comfortable than the last one; he opted not to think about what bodily fluids may have made that necessary. This was his first shoot in nearly two years, and every moment of waiting made him question if he was really ready to be back. He didn’t even allow his mind to wander to his scene partner, he’d said yes on a whim, before the voice in his head allowed him to question it.

Luckily, he didn’t have to wait long, because the door open and another man slipped inside. The reason the phrase ‘tall, dark, and handsome’ was invented- maybe. Just a bit taller than Henry, which was admittedly a point of contention between them. Dark curls messy on top of his head, filled out facial hair that was kept short and perfectly lined up. Lashes so long Henry fondly remembered feeling them against his skin when that perfect face was pressed between his cheeks. Bronzed tanned skin, a thick muscular frame, soft strong hands, even abs; the whole package. Alex had always been the whole package, as Henry had known him anyway. Everyone else knew ‘Adonis’ who was probably somehow more perfect, considering that they only saw him at his best and most skilled. Intense, passionate, always eager, and set on pleasing. To be fair, that wasn’t a show put on for the camera, Henry had learned that for himself.

But the two men were a visual contrast, but the pale skin, blond hair, and light eyes weren’t the only thing that set Henry apart. He was more reserved, more likely to eat a second dessert than go for a run. The kind to sit in the house and read. More prone to rotting in bed with any bad feelings as opposed to getting up and addressing it. Certainly, the one who would run from a situation as opposed to chasing the problem down.

“Hi, sorry I’m late, traffic was insane.”

“Oh, it’s no trouble at all, love. Not like anyone was waiting for you to get this started,” Henry answered as if it was directed at him, despite there being three other men in the room. Admittedly, all of them were busy setting up filming equipment. “Lovely to see you, Adonis,” he added, just a touch more gently.

The look in Alex’s eye betrayed how he felt about that. Using his professional name instead of his own, when both men were far more intimately acquainted than that. This wasn’t even in the first dozen times they’d filmed together, and that wasn’t counting the times they’d made love while not working. Something awfully impersonal, a cold way to refer to someone who’s bed he’d shared, coffee order he knew, and who’d held him while they slept. Somehow the look in those dark eyes managed to convey all that, jaw tight as if to say, ‘so that’s how we’re going to do this?’

“Same to ya, princess,” the brunette sneered, before roughly flopping into the couch beside Henry. It jostled the blond in place as Alex situated himself, slipping a backpack off and dropping it behind the seat. He took a moment to straighten out his casual clothes, athletic joggers and a relaxed shirt; both of which disguised how muscular he was beneath them. “You gonna take that stick out of your ass long enough for me to fuck it?”

Henry hummed with a smile, setting aside his cup of hot tea and crossing his legs the opposite way; just so he was a bit farther away from Alex. “Only if you think you’ll be able to reach my prostate with your cock alone.”

“Alright boys,” one of the camera men called, “Let’s not start fighting this early on.”

“Oh, we’re not fighting, this is foreplay. Apollo loves when you’re mean to him. Just gotta shove him around a little and he’s about to bust in his overpriced pants,” Alex scoffed, leaning back into the couch, tossing one arm around the back behind the blond’s shoulders, “Ain’t that right, sweetheart?” he asked, letting that Texan drawl fringe on his words just a bit more.

“Well then save it for when we start filming!” another man interjected.

But Alex was winking at Henry with an insincere smirk on his lips and Henry was fighting the urge to get up and find a toilet to vomit in. He couldn’t tell if Alex was angry or hurt; that had always been a specialty of his, and Henry had never quite broken down that wall. Of course, they hadn’t been together long enough for that. So, surely Alex wasn’t hurt. It took longer than five months for someone to be in love, didn’t it? When the two of them started their personal relationship, Alex had been blissfully unaware that their first three dates were even dates. Neither of them had said they loved the other by the time it ended. This had to be a bruised ego, but damn, hadn’t Alex had enough time to get over it?

“Alright you two,” the director began, stepping in front of the two men now that cameras were in place. “I know everyone wants to know about it, but are you two going to talk about the breakup on camera.”

“No.”
“I mean, I personally have some questions about it.”

Henry and Alex had answered in unison before an overwhelming silence overtook them. Despite keeping his face straight forward at the director, Henry could feel Alex’s eyes on him, “No,” he repeated once more.

The director made a noise similar to a ‘tsk’, “Sorry, Adonis, if you’re both not consenting you two are going to have to work that out on your free time. Okay, Apollo, are we going to discuss anything about your break?”

“I’d prefer not to, I had some personal matters to attend to, so I’m afraid on camera that might come off as awkward,” Henry explained calmly, despite feeling big brown eyes burning holes into him.

“Okay, we’ll skip past that. Before we get started, any limits you two want to go over with each other present?”

Alex was silent, in fact, he was still watching Henry, like he might find some kind of clue that way. As much as it pained him to offer one, the blond spoke, “No daddy talk,” he nodded, without even glancing at Alex, “Either way, no daddy, nothing like that.”

“Alright, you good with that, Adonis?”

“Yeah.”

The reply sounded distant in Henry’s ears, but he changed his position slightly, sitting more in the middle of the couch as he saw the cameramen getting in place. The signal from the director that the filming was starting.

“Okay boys, we’re going to start with a few questions before we get into this shoot. Everyone knows this is Apollo’s first shoot in a while, are you excited to be back to work?”

“Extremely, it’s been ages since I’ve had a good lay,” Henry teased with a charming laugh, the kind that used to make Alex smile like an idiot.

“And who better to work with than Adonis?” the director continued, “You two have shot a few of the most popular scenes on our site in the last few years. Are you excited to work with each other again?”

“Absolutely,” Alex answered, grinning like a politician, “I love an uncut dick,” he added, winking.

It was somehow easy for Henry to laugh at that, it was hardly forced at all, “Well, I’m thrilled, he’s an incredible shag. I can only imagine he’s gotten better since we last saw one another,” he purred, flashing a rather adoring smile in Alex’s direction. 

“Alright, one last thing, when we were setting this up, Adonis told us he couldn’t believe you agreed to it. He said you hate him, is that true?”

“He does hate me!” Alex interjected, laughing as though it was all part of a ruse.

Henry shrugged, rolling his eyes in a coy way, “I mean, have you met him?” he asked coolly.

“Is the feeling mutual?”

Now it was Alex’s turn to play coy, making a quiet ‘eh’ sound, “Ya know how it is,” he droned playfully, “I kinda hate his ass, but also I love his ass, get it?”

The director laughed, before turning his attention to Henry, “I imagine there’s one or two things you like about him.”

“Of course,” the blond cooed, reaching one hand over to take Alex’s chin in his palm, squishing tender cheeks and giving the brunette’s head a little shake. Alex was extraordinarily pliant for it, humming low, vibrating against Henry’s hand, “Look at that face,” Henry tutted, “Imagine staring at that through your legs while you’ve got eight inches pounding you out.”

“Well, it sounds like both of you get quite the view. You ready to give everyone watching a good view?”

As soon as both men had the signal, moments later their lips were crushing together. Hands moving over one another’s bodies instantly pressing closer together. Henry didn’t hesitate crawling onto Alex’s lap, straddling it and arching his back before large hands even rested on his ass. They were grinding up against one another, the thin fabric of their pants doing next to nothing to block any sensation. Moans filled eager mouths, tongues licking over one another as teeth pulled at soft lips. The smell of mint toothpaste and citrus-y tea between them.

This time, like every time, the cameras moving around them, capturing each possible angle, seemed to disappear. Their forms appeared to melt together, shirts coming off as eager hands moved over bodies. Familiar curves of toned muscle under Henry’s palms, soft body hair that his fingers gently glided through. The feeling of Alex’s lips moving down his neck as broad palms rested on his sides. Thumbs traced over the shape of slightly protruding hip bones, as if searching for something. Skin that used to be plush rounded love handles now hallowed out and leaving divots for Alex to trace along. His hands seemed to notice the absence; hunting for softness he’d loved months ago. But if that were true, he didn’t show it, instead letting his hands fall to Henry’s sweatpants, beginning to untie the string.

Henry didn’t let it get that far, before Alex could get hands down his trousers, he pulled back and slipped down onto his knees. He settled himself between Alex’s legs, running his hands over thick muscular thighs before beginning to tug at the waistband of the brunette’s joggers. Alex instantly leaned up, making it easy for Henry to get them down. As soon as they were off, Henry wrapped one hand around the other man’s shaft, giving it one stroke before he leaned in.

“Yeah, you gonna suck that dick for me, sweetheart?” Alex hummed, running his fingers through blond hair and tangling them there. “You miss this dick?” There was a mellow southern drawl behind the huskiness of his voice. An all too familiar loving cadence behind the pet names.

“Yeah.” Was the only answer Henry afforded, but he followed it by wrapping his lips around Alex’s cock. He sucked hard, bobbing his head at a steady pace already, up and down with rhythmic strokes of his hand syncing up with his motions. His opposite hand cupping Alex’s balls, kneading them slowly as he worked. A low moan lingered in the back of his throat, vibrating against the tender skin in his mouth, pressed against his tongue.

The familiar taste was overwhelming, something that had quickly become Henry’s favorite flavor. Those fingers tugging his hair, the way Alex moaned out unashamed; two more of the blond’s favorite things. He let his eyes flutter, before looking up and locking on the other man. His expression was low, lusty, and starving. There was also love. Honestly, Henry didn’t mean for it to be there, but when he saw the way Alex looked down at him. A mix of admiration, affection, longing, and nostalgia- he couldn’t help it. His heart was racing, like this was a first date instead of a blowjob in a room with three other people. Henry hardly noticed any of it. The camera on the couch behind Alex’s shoulder getting a point of view shot may as well have been invisible to him. If anything, he was trying to communicate something he was too scared to say out loud. As if willing Alex to understand:

‘I’m sorry, please forgive me. I’m sorry I left; I’ll never forgive myself. I love you, and I’m sorry. Know that it killed me, know that I’ll live with losing the only man I’ve ever loved, because I was too weak, forever.’

“You look so fuckin’ pretty down there on your knees,” Alex grunted, his palm slowly applying pressure to the back of Henry’s head. If he’d gotten the telepathic message, he seemed to be ignoring it. “Choke on that dick, slut. You know how I like it, want you droolin’ on my fuckin’ balls, baby.”

Even if it hadn’t been his job, Henry would have been helpless not to comply. Dipping down and taking that cock into his throat, wrapping his lips around the base and swallowing against it. His gag reflex wasn’t quite as well trained as it once was, and he did choke against the intrusion, parting his lips enough to allow saliva to drip down. It coated his fingers, making them slick as they massaged over Alex’s balls, just like he’d asked. Henry allowed himself to be held in place, only pulling back when Alex let up on him. Even then, he only did so enough to breathe through his nose before dipping straight back down; feeling tears welling in the corners of his eyes from the strain.

“That’s it, baby, love when you make those pathetic noises,” Alex grunted, lifting his hips to thrust up into the other man’s throat gently. He only did that for a moment though before using the hand in Henry’s hair to tug his head up.

Alex manhandling Henry wasn’t new, in fact, he’d often done it when they filmed something together. Now was no different, standing up and pulling the blond to stand with him. Meanwhile, Henry was stumbling to his feet, panting and catching his breath. He’d have wiped the saliva from his chin, but Alex was kissing him hard, pushing his pants the rest of the way down. He was walking them both toward the large picture window of the living room; not stopping until Henry’s back hit warm glass. The entire walk both men had been seemingly fighting for dominance with their tongues, greedy hands moving over one another’s bodies, groping and pulling tender skin.

One more shove had Henry flipped around, his front pressed against the window as he felt Alex’s hips and that hardness press against his ass. He instinctively pushed back into it, grinding himself slightly in place, palms on the glass in front of him as he moaned at kisses along the curve of his neck. His vision locked on the way his breath fogged up the glass, somehow even hotter than the sun, Alex had always made him feel that way; like he was on fire. Any touch, kiss, interlocking their fingers, or just that perfect smile, made Henry feel like he was burning alive from the inside. Hungry kisses moved down his spine, large hands finding his ass and spreading it open. Seconds later he felt Alex’s tongue and lips giving his most intimate area sloppy kisses. Eager lapping and gentle thrusts making Henry’s eyes roll back and flutter shut. His own cock pressed against the window, and he could feel himself leaking precum. One hand moved back instinctively to tangle in dark curls, tugging them just hard enough to feel a familiar groan vibrate against his skin.

“Fuck, that’s it, love. Eat that hole, get your tongue deep in there. Bet you can’t wait to get your cock in me, can you?”

The only reply came in the form of a low growl from Alex, strong hands pulling Henry’s hips backward and away from the glass. One then shifted to wrap around the blond’s cock, stroking it a few times before gently pulling it between his thighs. Alex’s head dipped down as wet lips wrapped around Henry’s shaft, suckling at the tip, his tongue teasing by dipping inside of his foreskin. It was obscene and dirty, making Henry’s thighs shake with need as he felt himself clench against nothing. Pleasure was already building in his stomach, his cock twitching, threatening to betray just how eager he was for this.

“Scene.” Henry gasped sort of suddenly, breathing ragged as Alex promptly pulled back, no longer touching him at all.

“What’s wrong?” Alex asked instantly, moments before the director even set attention to Henry. “Did I hurt you? What did I do?”

“Nothing,” the blond whispered, shaking his head, “You’re perfect, you did everything right,” he added a bit too convincingly, clearly no longer just talking about the scene. “I was about to come.”  The director was laughing, asking for a reset of cameras, and Alex was making a quiet ‘oh’ noise, almost under his breath. But Henry stepped a bit closer, taking a moment to card his fingers through dark curls, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you, promise. It was just a bit too nice, maybe… less cock sucking?”

“Yeah, yeah no problem,” Alex nodded.

Despite a comforted look on his face, Henry noticed Alex didn’t lean into his palm the way he used to. He didn’t tilt his head upward and press a kiss to a delicate wrist, instead just sitting back on his heels and taking a deep breath. If it was possible for something so minimal to break Henry’s heart, it just may have.

Once the cameras were set back in place, both men got back into position. Alex taking a moment to suckle the tip of Henry’s cock, just for continuity’s sake. But he almost immediately went back to pressing his face between the blond’s cheeks, licking over that fluttering muscle. His face pressed to the side of tender skin, allowing for the camera to get a good shot of Alex’s tongue, the way it teased and prodded, making Henry mewl against the window once more.

It didn’t take long for Alex to stand up, running his hands along Henry’s body. The softest kisses trailed up the blond’s spine, along his shoulders as neck. They were tender, making goosebumps prickle up on Henry’s skin, shuddering in place and pressing back into the hardness he felt against his ass.

“You ready to get fucked, sweetheart?” Alex groaned, “Want me to open up that tight little ass?”

“Yeah.”

One swift movement hoisted Henry up and into Alex’s arms; bridal style. Both men walking to the bedroom with a camera hot on their trail. But Henry wasn’t focusing on that, he was instinctively leaning into Alex’s chest, savoring the body heat and softness, how chest hair felt against his cheek, the sound of Alex’s heartbeat, and how safe he felt in strong arms. It was hard not to reminisce on this type of thing happening in Alex’s house. How the two of them would exhaust themselves and Henry would get carried to a bubble bath. Or the times the two of them started on the couch, only for Alex to whisk them both to the bedroom, Henry squirming the whole way. He didn’t appreciate it enough then, Henry decided. Every moment should have been savored, the tenderness and care behind the act. Even now as Alex tossed him onto the bed before circling it to crawl on. At the same time the blond was sitting up on his elbows, unable to keep the look of affection off his face.

“Alright, Henry, you want to prep yourself?”

Only once the director spoke did Henry notice Alex had stopped where he was, lying flat on his stomach on the bed; almost as if he was bored. He was still watching Henry, though, like he was trying to figure something out.

“Oh, yes, thank you,” Henry nodded, finally breaking eye contact from Alex to look up at the other men. Had they all been in the room this whole time? “Where’s-” he didn’t have to finish that question, because someone was tossing him a bottle of lube and pointing him toward the master bath, “Thank you,” he hummed with a polite, professional smile, before slipping off the bed and walking into the bathroom, perhaps a bit too eager to close the door behind him.

As hard as it was to miss the giant mirror, Henry tried not to look at his own reflection. He hadn’t recognized it in months; now would certainly be worse. Besides, there were better places to focus his attention. So, he opened the lube and got a bit on his fingers, starting to prep himself. Two was too much, making him wince before he switched to one. That in itself made him feel something he couldn’t quite put a name to. Had it really been that long? He supposed it had. The last time he’d been with anyone it had been Alex, before he left, before he watched his father die, before he spent the following months lying in bed, willing himself to follow suit. That had never happened, so here he was, back in America; running again, only differently this time. Like maybe if he got far enough away from home he wouldn’t think about it anymore. As if pushing himself back into work and swallowing as many cocks as possible might make it so he could look at stars in the night sky without feeling like his ribs were starting to grow through his chest.

He made it to two fingers on that thought, feeling his lungs constrict as he tried to take a calming breath. Because Henry hadn’t anticipated his first shoot back to be with Alex, for some reason. Maybe since the two of them had stopped once they’d started dating, he’d presumed Alex hadn’t gone back to work. It was a logical conclusion for Alex to be dating someone else, making solo films in his bedroom or with his new partner the way he had Henry. That thought had hurt at the time, but somehow knowing it wasn’t true was worse. That meant it was real, what he’d done was real; Alex had lost something too. And it didn’t feel like any excuse in the world would a good enough answer. Being honest might make things harder; how could he explain it had nothing to do with Alex? That every day that passed was spent with Henry convincing himself that no one could ever love him enough to live with what he’d become: hollow, broken, mangled, rotting in a bed stitched together with memories of growing up being told that he should hide.

Three fingers. Going into adult film had been a quiet rebellion for Henry initially, anyway. A way for him to say, ‘I will show the world how unashamed I am’. There was a sense of irony in the fact that he presently felt the most shame he ever had in his life. For how he’d behaved, what he’d left, the things he hadn’t cherished, and what he had the audacity to miss. How dare he miss Alex; he ought to leave that poor man alone and let him be happy with someone better. He would, anyway. At least, he’d planned to. With a deep inhaled, Henry pulled himself together, slipping fingers out of himself, and washing his hands. He used the damp towel to wipe tears welling in the corners of his eyes. It was very unsexy to go back to bed crying. He exhaled slowly, closing his eyes, and taking one last moment to himself.

The bathroom was white. The towels were blue. The floor was chestnut brown hardwood. The room smelled like soap, cleaners, and an air freshener- maybe lilac. Henry could feel the soft towel in his palms, the cool floor beneath his feet, and air conditioning hitting his shoulders.

With a few prefatory strokes to his own cock to ensure he was hard enough for the task at hand, the blond tossed the towel aside and walked out of the bathroom.  “Alright, back on the bed?” he asked, letting everyone present agree before he crawled back onto the mattress, almost exactly where Alex had dropped him.

With the wave of a hand, Alex was crawling up the mattress, between Henry’s thighs. The two men’s eyes were locked on one another, intensely; as if there were no one else in the room. This kiss was just as Earth shattering as the first earlier had been. Henry’s legs slowly being pushed back, his own hands moving to hold them in place as Alex got into position. Their lips only separating as the brunette used one hand to take hold of his own cock. The initial push made Henry inhale deeply, arching in place as his eyes fluttered closed and lips fell open. He felt chills run down his spine as heat spread through his body, cock twitching against his own stomach where it rested. One forearm shifted, keeping Henry’s thigh back as he rested his hand on Alex’s hip. Light eyes gradually opened again, settling on darker ones, full of something that looked like love- tenderness, care.

“You good?” Alex whispered.

Henry nodded, tilting his head up to brush his nose against the other man. Their lips grazed again, before falling into a kiss. This time it was languid, sloppy as Alex’s tongue snuck into the other man’s mouth, twisting and turning in time with the way he began rolling his hips. Each movement pulling a low moan out of Henry, ensuring that his mouth stayed open. It was passionate, it was magnificent, it felt like making love.  Not just for the cameras. Henry’s heart was constricting in his chest, twisting into knots and making his breathing shudder. Which very much may have looked like he was just enjoying himself, and he was, but the realization that he wouldn’t fall asleep with Alex beside him and dripping out of him was beginning to settle in. It hurt.

“Fuck me,” the blond panted, wrapping one leg around Alex’s waist. His now free hand tracing up the other man’s back, tangling in dark curls, and pulling hard. “What’s the point of you having that fucking horsecock if you rock me to sleep with it?”

“You…little shit,” Alex sneered, a grin on his lips as he shook his head. His expression was almost nostalgic, like he’d missed hearing that. Strangely, Henry couldn’t recall every having said that exact phrase before. But then again, he couldn’t think about much of anything once Alex pinned his legs back. Large hands behind his knees, bottom half of him lifted up as Alex positioned himself for the most traction. All at once the thrusts were punishing, strong hips slamming down into the man beneath him. “That better?” the brunette panted, “Fuckin’ little whore, you need that, huh? Need to be treated like a slut?”

“Yes,” Henry managed to rasp out between moans. Despite legs in the air, and toes curling, he managed to keep both hands on Alex. One on that slender waist, the other completely wrapped in curls and pulling hard. Rougher was better, it ached in his gut instead of his chest, his body instinctively clenching against the intrusion he was no longer used to. Each thrust making the friction burn, but he could feel himself leaking onto his own stomach, a small clear puddle undeniably from the view of the man above him, “Can’t make love to a whore, you should know that by now,” he goaded, chuckling from a particularly deep thrust.

“S’shame,” the brunette grunted, “Fuckin’ love little whores like you. How else am I supposed to show you just how much?”

“Just like this,” as he spoke, Henry grinned, half arched against the mattress; what his position allowed anyway, “Give me that big cock, open me up, love.”

“Yeah? You like when I stretch that hole out?” Alex’s voice was low and heady, a sound that Henry had missed. Familiar and comforting, almost as if the last year hadn’t happened. “Let’s see, huh? Let’s see how open that ass is.”

Just as quickly as he’d begun, Alex pulled back. Only this time, Henry held his own legs back so that he stayed in position. As the brunette got to his knees, he pressed one thigh against the small of the other man’s back, helping Henry stay in his slightly raised position. Both of Alex’s hands spreading Henry’s cheeks, thumbs pulling at his hole, dipping in and stretching him open. It made the blond gasp, biting into his bottom lip as he felt himself instinctively trying to clench only to be met with resistance. The feeling of Alex leaning up and spitting a string of saliva into him was enough to make his skin prickle with need. His own cock twitching as the fingers slipped out of him. Now Henry’s body reacted, muscles fluttering as he felt that saliva dripping out of him while a camera got far too close and personal- but that was the nature of this. He’d do well to remember they weren’t alone. But it was so hard when Alex was dipping fingers back into him, four this time, pulling him apart and spitting against him again.

“Yeah, yeah you’re nice and open, sweetheart,” Alex groaned, his cock brushing against Henry’s back as it jerked with arousal. Any moment there would be a line of precum running down the blond’s skin if they stayed like this, “Fuckin’ pretty little pink hole all gaped open from this dick. You love showing everyone how good I use you, don’t you?”

“Yes,” Henry rasped instinctively, teeth gritted with the stain of those fingers prying him open even wider.  “Yes sir,” he added a bit more desperately than intended, “Please, fuck me some more.”

“Sir, huh?” Alex almost sneered, “You want more? I guess you could use some more, you’re still trying to clench up on these fingers,” he groaned before slipping all four out at once, and delivering a rather sharp slap to the twitching muscle. It made Henry cry out, and Alex’s cock drip a bead of precum as a direct result. “Aw, what’s the matter, baby?” he cooed, “You all tender down here?” he asked, using the tips of his fingers to lay short, fast, little taps over the other man’s hole. The noise was obscene, sticky, wet, and accompanied by soft whimpers from Henry. “Poor little slut, your little hole getting all stretched out and beat up, huh? Thought you liked getting it wrecked?”

Despite whimpering in a way that bordered on pathetic Henry let go of his legs, wrapping them around Alex’s torso, and hoisting himself up. It topped both men back into the center of the mattress, only this time, Henry was straddling Alex’s waist. He ignored the astonished expression on the other man’s face only to reach behind himself, taking hold of Alex’s shaft. Within seconds, Henry had slipped himself down onto it with a low groan and leaned up to pin Alex’s wrists above his head. There was no fighting from the man beneath him, only a blissed out and loved up look.

“I told you,” Henry panted, as if he needed to explain himself, “That I wanted to be fucked more. If you won’t do it, I’ll do it myself,” he added. Almost as soon as he did, he freed Alex’s wrists only to rest both palms on the toned chest beneath him. Henry moved to a crouching position then, stabilized himself and began to bounce, hard. His own cock making a scene of tapping against his stomach and Alex’s as well, moving up and down with the rest of his body, blond strands falling in his face and sticking to sweaty skin.

“Fucking…hell, baby,” Alex rasped, both hands wrapping around to grab Henry’s ass. He used them to spread those cheeks a bit, partly for the camera view, partly so that his fingertips could trace along where the two of them connected.

Uncalloused pads of tender fingers- it was the only thing Henry could focus on, even if his face didn’t betray him. His eyes were locked on Alex, like he was thinking of eating him whole. He never stopped bouncing, his moans loose and loud, echoing off walls of the room. But he felt every stroke of Alex’s touch tracing along his rim. It was something only Alex had ever done to him, and an act that was reserved for when the two of them were alone. The setting was usually different as well, Henry’s hips typically moving slower, bodies moving together, intertwined as the two of them had made love. At the time, Henry had regarded it as a little Alex-ism of sorts, something that got him off or made him feel closer. So, to feel it now, when the two of them were like this, everything was flooding back for Henry. Every night he’d fallen asleep on the other man’s chest. The soft breathing and dull beat of Alex’s heart lulling him into the most peaceful rest he’d ever had. Did Alex want him to remember that, now of all times?

“You look like you’re gettin’ tired, sweetheart.”

“Never.”

Henry’s voice had shaken as he’d answered that, apparently it seemed as though he was lying. Because Alex’s hands held his waist firm, flipping the two of them over with ease. It sent the blond’s back flat against the mattress as Alex loomed over top of him, grinning like a demon.

“So, you’re not too tired to let me get it from behind?”

Still mewling at the sensation of the flip, and the way Alex rolled hips deep and slow into him, the blond shook his head, “No, how do you want me?”

With a grin so wide that Henry could feel his heart skip a beat, Alex instantly pulled back and hopped off the side of the bed. He pulled one of the blond’s ankles, tugging him off the mattress as well and pulling him to stand. Their lips met again in a hurried and hungry kiss before Alex broke it only to spin Henry around, stepping behind him and running his hands over pale skin.

“Come’re, bend over for me, slut,” Alex grunted, emphasizing his point with a resounding slap to Henry’s ass. The sharp sound echoing through the room nearly loud enough to mask the blond’s groan.

“Why? Because you’re not tall enough to reach me otherwise?” Henry snickered, breathless. Seconds later, a firm hand tangled into his hair, jerking his head back in a way that made him give a low, husky chuckle. Eyes half-lidded as plush lips curved into a grin while he felt himself manhandled into a standing position, only to be shoved down into the mattress.

“We are, the same fucking height,” Alex hissed, already tapping his cock against Henry’s ass.

Spitefully, Henry arched in place, bending his knees slightly to curve his back and make his bottom half protrude in a way that was both beautiful and obscenely pornographic. “Mhm, if that helps keep your cock hard, love,” he murmured into the sheets.

“Shit, you really haven’t been fucked good in a long time, have you?” the brunette asked before pushing himself back into the other man. One hand resting on the back of Henry’s head, the other grabbing his hip as Alex began thrusting at an instantly rough pace. “I can tell you haven’t. You got a hell of an attitude.”

“Then fuck it out of me,” Henry gasped, before moaning out as his eyes instinctively fluttered back.

Hard thrusts, slaps to his ass, hair pulling, and the feeling of Alex’s balls slapping against him, were enough to keep Henry’s brain quiet for the next few minutes. He knew it would be over soon enough, but for now he could melt into the sheets beneath himself. Pinned into place with nowhere to go, only to take that cock. Feeling it slip deep inside of him, opening him up and creating a dull ache in his stomach. Pleasure building in his gut, slowly beginning to spread up his spine as he allowed every shove to drag another groan out of his chest. A little bit of pain had always appealed to Henry, but now it felt right, like it was exactly what he needed. The cramping in his abdomen was enough to dull any thought that dared creep into the back of his mind.

“You ready for this come, baby? You want that hot load in your tight little ass?”

The question snapped Henry out of his haze, reminding him to come back to reality. He’d no clue how long it had been, only that his thighs ached from holding his weight in this position. His back felt tired, palms aching from how his nails had hung into them, and come to think of it, he was getting a bit sore from the friction. “Yes,” he gasped, “Please, fill me up, Alex. I need it so bad, give me all your cum, breed that slutty little hole.”

“So. Fucking. Hot.” Each word punctuated by a rough thrust into the blond. But moments later, Alex was spilling into the other man, groaning low and husky, his hips jerking as he rode it out.

Henry did his best not to imagine the blissed-out face Alex would be making. Those big brown eyes, long lashes, angelic face, all contorted with pleasure- probably as perfect teeth tugged at lips he ached to kiss. He focused instead on the more present ache, inside of him, the one those deep thrusts added to; a welcomed burn. It didn’t last long though as Alex slipped out, making Henry cry out quietly at the spasm in his gut caused by the sudden loss. He was only vaguely aware of Alex’s hands on his thighs, clearly crouching down again, before one large palm wrapped around Henry’s shaft, stroking casually.

“Your turn, baby,”

The sentence followed by those lips Henry was dreaming of wrapping around his cock. Sucking gently, tongue teasing the sensitive tip, slipping under the blond’s foreskin and making circles. A familiar grip kneading Henry’s ass, giving it a little spank as that sinful mouth worked him over. Just like earlier, his peak was rapidly approaching, washing over him within minutes. He felt himself throb in Alex’s mouth as he moaned, breathing shuddering while his own hands pawed at the sheets. Thighs trembling as the first orgasm he’d had in nearly a year seemed to overpower everything. It was intense, and emotional. The sensation somehow felt cleansing and suffocating, making air catch in his throat and tears well in the corners of his eyes. Henry couldn’t recall a time when relief had felt so crushing, heavy on his body- presently threatening to collapse under the weight of it all. But there wasn’t time for that, because Alex’s mouth had moved between his cheeks again. Eager tongue prodding at his hole as the brunette made obscene slurping sounds, lapping up the stickiness that had been dripping out of him with the muscle contractions from the orgasm.

For some reason the same act that had been fine earlier, presently felt too intimate. Embarrassing, humiliating, something that Henry felt guilty for Alex doing. He couldn’t for the life of him figure out why, even as the other man pulled back. Nor while Henry was moved to sit on the edge of the bed and then immediately kissed. The hand on his throat as Alex’s tongue pushed their combined fluids into Henry’s mouth wasn’t even enough to distract him from what felt like the beginnings of a spiral. Despite that, Henry returned the kiss, groaning softly as he felt warmth drip from the corners of his mouth. The tacky moisture on Alex’s chin cooling against the blond’s skin just before that kiss finally ended.

In true professional fashion, Henry swallowed what remained in his own mouth, panting softly as he tried to stop his thighs from shaking regardless of being seated. He didn’t remember how the scene ended, if he said something, or if Alex did. All Henry was aware of was the two men being ushered toward the shower to clean up before the final interview. He didn’t have the energy to protest showering with Alex. The looming anxiety of being alone with the man he loved somehow overshadowed by the storm clouding his brain.

That meant he was Alex who turned on the shower, set aside bathrobes and adjusted the temperature. All while Henry stood silent at a comfortable distance. His eyes watching everything the brunette did, but not really seeing any of it. It took a few moments of Alex having gotten inside for him to realize he should follow along, stepping into the shower, and instantly sighing in relief at the warmth. For a brief period, there was silence, only the two men getting rinsed off and picking up clothes to shower with. Henry didn’t have to speak, or look at Alex, he was afforded this short reprieve, until clearly the other man could bear it no longer.

“So,” Alex began casually, handing soap to Henry, “Where were you?”

“England.”

“I know you were in England, I’m asking what you were doing in England.”

With a little hum, Henry sat the soap down, having lathered his washcloth, now beginning to scrub himself down. This was the part of the day he’d been dreading, he knew the conversation had to happen eventually, but even two Xanax this morning hadn’t prepared him for it. “I had some personal matters to attend to.”

“Personal matters?” Alex scoffed, turning around with suds still coating his body. He laughed, it was short and sarcastic, but there was still a disbelieving smile on his face, “My tongue was just so far up your ass that I can tell you what you had for lunch, and you think you can’t tell me about personal matters.”

“That’s not true, I skipped lunch,” Henry mused, as if that was the only physical contrary to the statement.

“Look like you did,” the brunette nodded toward Henry’s body. His expression looked more concerned now “You look like you lost at least fifteen pounds. Add that to the list of reasons that I’m asking what the fuck happened to you.”

“The body shaming is unnecessary,” Henry began, trying to keep his voice steady. He should have known Alex wouldn’t make this easy. He was too good, just like he’d always been. Too good for Henry, at least.

“I’m not shaming you,” Alex nearly snapped, “I’m fucking worried about you, Hen. Please, what the fuck happened to you?” he paused for a moment, sighing as he turned his back to Henry, rinsing the soap off his chest. It seemed like he thought he might get a more honest answer without eye contact, and he might. “We were together almost every single day for five months straight. We were talking about moving in together. There’s still so much of your shit in my house that it’s not even funny- and y- you just disappeared.” His voice was shaking slightly, but he was audibly trying to hide it, “You just fucking left. Like I woke up and you were gone and you just... never came back. Henry, the only reason I didn’t call the cops was because the second time I went to your apartment I ran into your landlord, and he told me that you’d gone back to England, and you hadn’t told him when you’d be back. All he knew was that you were in a rush, and you sounded frantic, and you paid the next year of your lease in advance. Do you know how fucking scared I was? It was a goddamn year, Henry. You were gone for a year, and you didn’t say a word to me before you left. You were my boyfriend, and you disappeared for a year. And now you’re back and I’m just supposed to act like none of that happened? You broke my fucking heart, and you scared the shit out of me. Fuck, do you know how many times I called and texted you?”

Yes, Henry knew. One hundred and fifteen text messages, and seventy-two calls. He’d watched every single one come in, lying in the bed he grew up sleeping in. With tears stinging his eyes, feeling like he was rotting from the inside out. “Eleven months,” he said finally, “It wasn’t a year, it was eleven months.”

“Oh well, thank you for correcting me,” Alex laughed, “Sorry, didn’t mean to over exaggerate the severity of the situation or anything. Shit, my bad.” With a tight jaw, he shook his head, sneering before speaking again, “Whatever. Come by my place and get your shit.”

“Wait?” Henry paused, midway through using some of the water to rinse himself off. He was trying to ignore how close it put him to the other man, or the way his instinct was to reach out and touch Alex. “You still…have my things?”

“Yeah, of course I do,” the brunette shrugged, “I’m not an asshole I wasn’t just going to get rid of your shit,” he whispered, “But now that you’re back, I’d like you to get it. I’d like to not be reminded that my boyfriend didn’t like me enough to explain to me why he fled the fucking country.”

“I…I can come by and get it… like now, if you want,” Henry offered, “Once we leave.” He didn’t know how to say anything else, he certainly couldn’t argue that he loved Alex- not now, not like this.

“Good, I’m going straight home, so you can come over once we’re done.”

“Sounds good,” the blond hummed, grabbing the soap and beginning to wash over himself quickly, already mentally preparing himself for the post-scene interview.

Which, admittedly, the interview wasn’t much worse than the one before they’d filmed. If Alex was harboring any sort of anger or resentment, it didn’t bleed through in front of the camera. Henry couldn’t decide if that was better or worse. Did that mean everything that had happened during their shoot was all an act? The gentle touches, or the eye contact, what about the chemistry? Despite the racing thoughts, he must have seemed fine, eager even. Laughing at all the right times and touching Alex’s arm, waxing poetic about being wrecked by a huge cock. That somehow seemed to make the walk to his car worse, an awkward silence until Henry was finally alone on the way to Alex’s apartment.

After a short ride that was silent aside from almost constant screaming in Henry’s head, he found himself outside of that familiar apartment. The door that had given him butterflies before his first date with Alex. The wood that had witnessed about two good night kisses between the men before Henry had begun ending their dates inside instead. Even now, walking  into Alex’s place felt more like coming home than walking into his own parent’s house had felt. It enveloped Henry in a warm feeling, that familiar earthy comfort; like essence of Alex. But it wasn’t just the smell, it was the fact that nothing looked different. The spare bed for Henry’s dog was in the same corner in the living room. A stack of toys beside it, the water and food bowls Henry had brought over as standbys- even a full bag of the food David ate. The only thing missing was the soft tapping sounds of the pup’s claws on wooden floors.

“You…kept the spare bed for Davey.”

“That’s my son,” Alex answered immediately before correcting, “Was my son,” he amended while starting to walk toward the back of the house. He didn’t check to see if Henry was following behind him, he seemed to know. Once the two men stood in the bedroom, Alex turned back to look at the blond, “All your shit is still… where it was. I’ll find you a box or something.”

Before Henry had a chance to speak, Alex was gone, walking into the hall to dig through a small storage closet there. One Henry remembered holding things like boxes and bags. The bedroom was much like the entrance to the house; it looked exactly like he remembered. There was even a framed photo of Alex and Henry by the bedside table; one he couldn’t resist touching. Like a magnet drawing the blond in, making him run fingers along the dustless edge of the picture. They looked happy, Alex kissing Henry’s cheek, Henry laughing with both arms around the other man. Henry certainly looked healthier there, rosy, full cheeks, his eyes were bright. It was hard for him to get a full comparison, but he was sure the reflection in the mirror this morning had looked much hollower. His next stop was the drawers, opening the ones that had been assigned to him over a year ago. Everything was organized the way he’d done it himself. The clothes looked fresh, the smell of Alex’s laundry detergent wafting up toward him.

“Got a box,” Alex mumbled, walking back into the room and placing an opened carboard box on the bed. “Want help packing things up?”

“You didn’t… box up anything,” Henry heard his own voice trembling, looking up slowly, suddenly finding it hard to breathe. “Everything is… exactly as I left it, I mean, actually, I’m confident some of these were dirty, but you put them back just as I would have, and I- I don’t understand.”

“Yeah, I don’t either,” Alex mused, shrugging, “I had this insane idea that one day you might just walk through the door. Like you’d never left in the first place, and I wanted everything to be how you liked it.” There was a pause as he looked down, seemingly oblivious to Henry’s heart crawling up his throat. “I have some of that disgusting tea you like, if you want a cup. If not, you can just take the box with you, I’m not going to drink it. I only got it like a few weeks ago, so-”

“A... few weeks ago?” the blond squeaked.

“Yeah, the old box was past the expiration date, and I mean… same thing, it’s your favorite, so I always kept some in the house,” Alex explained, like it wasn’t the most romantic thing anyone had ever said.

The guilt was seeping out of Henry’s veins, burning holes through his bones and working its way out of his flesh in the form of sweat. His body felt heavy, skin sticky and hot. His stomach was in knots, breathing ragged; if he didn’t know better, he’d have been convinced his throat was closing. His eyes burned with the threat of tears, it felt like losing everything all over again. Only this time it was different, he deserved this. He should know exactly what he’d done to Alex, the way he’d hurt him; left him waiting. That was proper punishment, he’d earned every crack slowly running up the lining of his heart. It was his fault, he’d been a fool for thinking he was the only one in love. Once again, his own defense mechanisms had hurt someone else. Maybe if he allowed himself to feel every part of this, he might learn his lesson. But the logic behind the feeling didn’t help it at all, or the acid beginning to work its way up his throat along with the shards of his heart.

“Washroom,” the blond managed to gasp before darting into the master bathroom. There he immediately fell to his knees and emptied the contents of his stomach into the toilet, which unfortunately was only a Starbucks’ London Fog, he and Alex’s cum, and bile. Which his body happily overcompensated for with plenty of dry heaving.

There was a moment of reprieve, where Henry was alone in the bathroom. The heaving had stopped, leaving him panting as he leaned over the toilet bowl. He grabbed a handful of tissue, wiping his mouth and dropping it in the bowl before flushing it. About that time, Alex stepped into the bathroom, a damp cloth in one hand and a cold ginger ale in the other. Silently, he passed the soda over, and began pressing the cloth over the blond’s face, gently dabbing pale skin.

“Henry,” Alex spoke finally, his voice quiet, and almost nervous, “Are you sick? Like… bad sick. Like cancer, or something?”

“What?” the blond nearly choked sipping his soda, before shaking his head, “Christ, no, I’m not sick, Alex,” he sighed, “Certainly wish I were, at least there’d be an end in sight.”

“You wish?” Alex asked, sounding borderline offended, “Fuck, what is… your problem? It’s like you’re not even the same man. Like- like I don’t even know you anymore.”

“Welcome to the club,” Henry deadpanned, “Neither do I,” he inhaled deeply, refusing to look up at the other man. Instead, his eyes were locked on a very interesting string on the floor. “Give me a moment and I’ll get off your bathroom floor and out of your hair.”

“I don’t… I don’t even want you gone,” Alex admitted, his voice threatening to crack, “I just want to know what’s going on. Something is wrong with you. I can tell. I know you… at least I knew you. I can help, Henry. I want to help, but I can’t do anything if you don’t let me in.”

“Why?” Henry couldn’t stop himself from asking, his voice small as he kept his eyes down. “Why do you still care so much? I abandoned you. You should hate me. I can’t even believe you want to see me again. I can’t believe my things are still here. I can’t believe you… kept buying the same brand of fucking tea for me.”

“I mean, I could tell you why,” the brunette began, “I could give you a list, I have one. But it might be a conversation best not had on my bathroom floor. So, will you let me make you a cup of tea?”

For a moment, all Henry could do was be silent, looking over the other man. His eyes searched Alex for something, anything to explain it. Desperately looking for any emotion that wasn’t kindness or willingness to understand. Even the outstretched hand offering to help him off the floor. Taking it felt hard, terrifying, somehow more daunting than the flight to England. There hadn’t been a way to prepare himself for his father’s death, but at least he knew what to expect. This was different, how was he supposed to know where it was going to go? How much it would hurt? Presumably, it couldn’t hurt more than anything else he’d been through already. But he was weak, already broken down, it wouldn’t take much else. Regardless, on good faith and nothing besides yearning, Henry placed his palm in Alex’s and stood.

“I’d like that, thank you.”

With a nod and a slight smile, Alex tugged Henry to his feet before starting to walk toward the kitchen. “Spoonful and a half of sugar and a splash of milk?”

“Yes please,” Henry whispered, helpless to do anything besides follow Alex. He allowed himself to be placed in a kitchen chair while the brunette began filling an electric kettle Henry had brought here a year ago. The memory wasn’t even hazy, Alex asking why on earth the kettle was necessary when he had a microwave- and Henry being completely aghast at the notion of microwaving water for tea.

Both men allowed the other the grace of silence for a few minutes. Nothing besides the sounds of the kettle clicking, mugs being taken out, sugar in one cup, milk being taken from the fridge, and cinnamon set on the counter. Then, finally water poured over a tea bag, a cup of instant coffee, both made the way each man preferred, and finally Alex sat at the table, placing a perfect Earl Grey Double Bergamot in front of Henry.

“You used a teacup,” the blond murmured with a weak smile.

“Yeah well, you gave me a lecture once about how tea didn’t belong in a coffee mug,” Alex answered, “I figured you’d live without a saucer.”

“You… bought this once I left,” Henry said quietly, dragging a finger across the rim of the cup. “I don’t remember it being here.”

“Yeah,” there was silence as Alex sipped his own coffee even if it was far too hot, he winced but didn’t seem to mind. “I know you’re going to say I was being insane about it probably. But again, I had this crazy idea you’d come back. And I thought maybe you’d left the way you did because I upset you somehow. So, I wanted to make sure if that was the case everything was perfect. I mean, I could think of like a million things I could have fucked up, so anytime I thought of something fixable, I fixed it.”

“Alex-”

“I know, I know. It was stupid, but I didn’t know what else to do, Hen. I felt like I was going crazy.”

“Alex, I told you. You didn’t do anything wrong. I-”

“Then why, Henry? Why did you leave like that? Why didn’t you answer me? You could have least fucking had the decency to text me back!”

There was an air of frustration to those words, not so much pain as anger. That felt better to Henry, more justified, something he could accept. It didn’t make it any easier to open his mouth, lips parted and frozen in place as words seemed to catch in his chest. But he felt like he deserved the anger.

“Me first?” Alex asked after a pause. “I’ll explain mine first then you explain yours. Deal?”

All Henry could do was nod weakly, hoping that air filled his lungs before Alex had finished explaining.

“So, I know I told you that my parents divorced when I was a kid, and I know you’ve never really met either of them. I mean, I didn’t meet yours either, I guess we never got to that stage. Anyway,” Alex inhaled deeply, this time he was averting eye contact, and that made it easier for Henry to watch him. “My parents did divorce but, it wasn’t something I really knew was coming. I was twelve and I woke up one morning and my dad wasn’t there. I mean, my mom explained to me that they were going to get a divorce and he’d gone to live somewhere else but- I don’t know. As a kid, none of that really feels honest, you know? Like I was more concerned about why he didn’t take me with him, or what I’d done to make him leave without me. It wasn’t even like I’d have chosen him over my mom, I don’t know who I’d have wanted to stay with. But that wasn’t the point, the point was that he didn’t even tell me. And yeah, I saw him, spent weekends with him and stuff but, it didn’t help that feeling. Like somehow, I could have done something different to make him stay or to want me to come with him. I mean, now that I’m an adult, I know that wasn’t true.”

As Alex spoke, Henry watched, eyes focused on the other man. For now, he was content not to speak, only listen. Slowly beginning to understand exactly what he’d done, which wound he’d accidentally reopened. It made his stomach seem to squirm inside of his body again, nausea threatening to creep up his throat as he tried to suppress the feeling.

“Anyway,” Alex bit into his bottom lip after a sip of coffee, shrugging as he looked down at his own half empty mug. “You know, irrational kid brain. If I’d had it my way, the house would have stayed the same forever, right? The chair dad liked, always empty, always setting a plate for him, keeping his shampoo in the house or an extra toothbrush. I know that wouldn’t have made a difference but- you couldn’t have convinced me at that age. It felt like if he came back for something and he saw his own absence, maybe he’d stay. Maybe he’d know how much I needed him. I guess some of those feelings translated. Because now I’m an adult and this is my house, and it can stay how I want it. Some days I’d come home and see your sweater still hanging on the coat rack, it would feel like you never left. I’d keep the tea ready, just in case. I wanted everything to be perfect. So that if you happened to come back, maybe you’d see how much you were missed, how much I’d needed you. Maybe you’d stay.” With a little laugh, Alex shook his head, looking up at Henry. “I mean, it was hell on my sex life, for the record. I hooked up with like five people and I only brought two of them here. Every one swore I was cheating,” he shrugged. “Maybe I was cheating. But I assumed wherever you were, you were under someone else, so. Was that wrong?”

That question was easier. Henry could answer that, with a confident amount of honesty, “I didn’t have sex with anyone else,” he said quietly, humming as he listened to Alex curse under his breath. “Don’t worry, I’m glad you did. I imagined you were. It made it easier some nights; to think you’d replaced me. It made me feel less guilty for not being able to answer your calls.”

“Guilty? If you felt guilty, why wouldn’t you just pick up the goddamn phone, Henry? I don’t understand. And you should know I tried. I tried so fucking hard. Around that six month mark I tried to sink my teeth or my dick into anyone I could get my hands on. But it was like you left this bitter taste in my mouth and everyone but me could taste it. It felt like I winced under someone’s hands because they weren’t yours. It was fucking absurd. Like I felt like I was in this battle of wits with a ghost. Do you know what that’s like? Leaving your picture on the bedside while I pound someone into that mattress. Making sure it’s on your side of the bed because maybe you’ll feel it. Maybe you’re watching somehow, maybe you’d know just how insane you were making me. I mean shit, I sound insane now, don’t I?” Alex didn’t sound insane, not to Henry, he sounded exhausted and desperate. He may not have been literally begging, but his tone was.

“I’m sorry-”

“I don’t want you to be sorry. I’m tired of ‘sorry’. ‘Sorry’ would have been forgetting to turn off a light or call on the way home. It would have been washing my white shirt with my black pants. Using my toothbrush instead of yours. I don’t want another fucking ‘sorry’, I want Henry. Give him to me, let me see him.”

There was a knife, settling in the center of Henry’s chest. Just because he couldn’t see it, didn’t mean he couldn’t feel it. It felt like it had been getting deeper for the last year, and now it was twisting inside of him, ripping muscle from bone, tangling in his heartstrings. Any moment he was certain he’d cough up blood; a quick mouthful of tea washed the ichor back down his esophagus. “He’s not how you remember him. He’s… broken and mangled. He hasn’t seen the sun in months, in fact, I’m almost certain he’s drowning-”

“I can swim,” Alex interrupted, defiant as ever.

“My father died,” the words seemed to leap out of Henry’s chest, his eyes locked on the floor as if he expected to see a physical manifestation. “I’m not asking you to pity me, I don’t expect absolution for what I did. I’m explaining to you where I was.” There was silence, almost as if Alex knew that if he interrupted again, Henry would take the chance to end his story there. Content with letting Alex fill in the rest of the details on his own. But without a reason to stop, Henry had to continue. “My family told me he was sick around the time we first started dating,” he said softly, “I was going to visit, but I was gathering the courage to deal with…the rest of my family. They’re a lot, I remember you asked once why you’d never met them, and I said, ‘It’s best if you don’t.’. It still is, I mean, my sister would love you but,” the blond shook his head as he looked up, “I got a call, one night. From my sister, in tears, telling me that it was getting bad. So, I left, immediately. I was terrified. I got there, and I intended to call you and explain- I really did. But… it was bad. Very bad. It devastated me- my father was, everything to me. No matter how the rest of the family spoke to me or felt about me, he didn’t. He was just this constant, kind, supportive force, who wanted me to be happy. And I walked in, and it was like looking at a ghost. I didn’t know what to do, or how to deal with it. But I didn’t know how to look away either. And- about four months later, he passed,” once again, Henry averted his eyes, unable to handle the pain in Alex’s stare without his own voice cracking. “I know maybe it sounds, weak, or pathetic; but Alex, I spent the next six months in bed. My sister thought I was going to die, I wanted to, believe me I did. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t move, it hurt to breathe, it hurt to speak. At first, I screamed, I screamed, and cried, and fought so hard my throat ached for weeks on end. Then, I couldn’t do anything anymore. I don’t think I spoke to anyone for months, I thought maybe if I just laid there, eventually it would stop. I begged every god I could think of for it to stop, but it never did. I saw you calling, I watched every time my phone lit up, but how could I pick it up and tell you that I wasn’t, okay? That every moment I was awake I was in pain. I loved you too much to trouble you like that. I still do, so I’m sorry for telling you all of this, even now. I’m ashamed of myself, Alex. That I couldn’t handle it better, that I couldn’t be braver for you or myself, but I need you to know that I’ve only now found the strength to get out of bed and try and maintain some semblance of the person I used to be.”

“Henry,” Alex was shaking his head, enough that Henry could see it in his peripheral vision; his voice cracking, “You’re the bravest motherfucker I’ve ever met.” In a split second, he leaned forward, one hand slipping under the blond’s chin and lifting it up, so their eyes were locked on each other. “Hey, I’m sorry that happened to you. But you made it, and I’m glad you’re here. And I’m…definitely a little mad at you, but not for the reasons you think. I’m mad because how dare you think that it would be any trouble for me? Baby, I would have been right there with you. I know I wouldn’t have been able to fix it or make it better, but I’d have done whatever I could, even if it was just comfort you.”

With a tight jaw and tears in the corners of his eyes, threatening to fall, Henry nodded slightly, “I believe you,” he said quietly, “If it helps, I’ll never forgive myself for doing that to you. I had no idea you… anyone- could care about me that much. I couldn’t believe anyone would love me enough to deal with…that, or me, or even the way I am now,” he nearly whispered, after all, it was silent in the kitchen. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“Well, you did. And I did care about you, way more than you think. Love you, way more than you think. Still do,” Alex murmured, almost as if he begrudged admitting it, “And I don’t forgive you, yet. So, you work on forgiving yourself, and I’ll work on forgiving you. I imagine if we both work on it, we can get there. Honestly, reckon’ we can do just about anything after all this shit, what do you think?”

“Alex…”

“I mean, one of the rules is that you can’t run off again. I’ll start locking the front door like you’re a stray cat if I have to.”

“You…really-”

“Fuck, don’t make me say it Fox. Your lease is about to end, isn’t it? You’ll need somewhere to stay if you don’t renew it. I mean, half your shit is here,” Alex shrugged, curving his fingers and resting his thumb on Henry’s chin, giving his face an affectionate shake like there weren’t tears welling in light eyes, “I personally don’t think you should be alone right now, and I’m technically single. But there’s this guy I’ve got my eye on; not sure you’ve met him. He's British, really annoying, and definitely a flight risk, but damn can he fuck,” he teased.

“You really want to try again? You still want me?” Henry nearly whimpered.

“You still love me?”

“I never stopped.”

“Cool, neither did I. So?”

“Yes,” Henry breathed, almost laughing, “Yes,” the laughter was slowly turning teary, wet sounding in his throat as he nodded. “I just… I thought I’d lost.. everything.”

“Nah, I’m hard to get rid of. Like a tick or something, but-” Alex pulled his hand back, pointing at the other man seriously, “You’re on probation, and neither of us are fucking anyone else still, got it? You’re on a tight leash, mister. Exclusive but you don’t get all the boyfriend perks, yet. You can wash your own back for a while,” he nodded, despite a playful tone in his voice. “And I’m serious about locking you in here. Don’t make me.”

“I’m not going to make you,” Henry said quietly, shaking his head, “But, I am going to ask you for something ridiculous,” he nearly whispered. There was a brief pause, as Alex raised both brows questioningly, and Henry tried to fight a smile, “Will you make love to me?” he asked, “I know it’s probably not the time, but- it was incredibly nice having you so close earlier, and even though it wasn’t quite like… us being together again, it was the closest thing to feeling alive I’ve felt in a long time. You should know that you’re allowed to s-”

“Yes,” Alex nodded, “Yes, we can make love,” as he spoke, he lifted one of Henry’s hands, kissing the back of it gently, “But you have to promise me to eat something afterward. Let me make you a meal or something, okay?”

“David’s at home and-”

“I can come to your house and cook. And I’m sure there’s barely any food there, so I’ll bring some over and cook dinner, and if you ask real nice, I might spend the night,” the brunette grinned.

“Alright,” Henry nodded, unable to fight a wide smile of his own now, “I love you, Alex. I’m sor-”

That was interrupted by the brunette leaning forward, pulling both of them into a hard kiss, “No more apologies, you love me, I love you, that’s enough,” he murmured before standing and slowly tugging Henry to stand with him, just continuing the kiss.

This time, Henry didn’t argue, he only wrapped his arms around Alex’s neck. This kiss felt different than the one before, the same heat was there, his body seemed to melt into Alex’s; but there was something else. Suddenly it felt like every thought Henry had earlier, every ache he’d tried to telepathically whisper to Alex had been understood- and maybe it had. There was tenderness in the touch, the way fingers ran up Henry’s sides like remembering something once familiar. Feather light touches sliding up his shirt, tracing the divots of his spine, seeming to make note of each bump of bone. Briefly, Henry wondered if the pain was etched into them like braille, a language only he and now Alex understood. Even as his shirt falling to the floor while both men stepped over it seemed to echo in the chasm of this moment. Working their way to Alex’s bedroom as the grief Henry had spent months drowning in seemed to pull back. The metaphorical parting of the sea, and Alex was the outstretched hand. His lips moving down Henry’s neck the power, strong hands pushing Henry onto the bed the miracle of salvation.

“I missed you,” Henry whispered, perhaps the most honest thing he’d said to anyone about his own feelings in a year. Since this whole thing had begun, he’d been ‘fine’, ‘surviving’, or ‘making it’. Here underneath Alex, feeling each article of clothing carefully tugged from his body, it wasn’t that he felt healed, or even restored; but he felt safe. He was certain that would sound strange to anyone he tried to explain it to, maybe even to Alex. But the way he felt that bare chest against his own skin, soft lips tracing the curve of his neck and jawline; it didn’t seem that way. Somehow, Henry was confident Alex…just knew. Perhaps he’d felt the same sort of comfort or solace himself. “I missed you so bad that the scent of your cologne when you walked in today made my chest hurt, it felt like opening an old wound,” Henry continued, running his fingers through dark curls as he inhaled shakily. “I just need you so close, it’s like there’s been an Alex sized hole inside of me, and I-”

“You don’t have to explain it, baby,” Alex whispered, dragging his lips along Henry’s cheek as he pushed off his own pants. He tossed them aside smoothly as he pressed a kiss to those sharp cheekbones, “I get it, we’re not close enough for me right now either.”

Without verbally answering, Henry leaned up, pressing soft kisses into Alex’s temple before their lips met again. Despite both men being naked now, it didn’t seem to elevate the speed with which they moved. Gentle touches along one another’s bodies, slow and tender kisses. One of Alex’s legs slipped between Henry’s thighs, as soft fingers slid down the brunette’s spine. In a bit of a playful move, Henry grabbed the other man’s ass. It caused Alex to press in closer, moaning quietly into their kiss as he instinctively rutted his hips against the blond’s.

“Is that your way of telling me you want me to grab the lube?”

Henry couldn’t help but giggle, biting into his bottom lip and savoring the playfulness of the moment and the question, “Please do.”

With a wide smile, Alex leaned over to the bedside table, opening his drawer and taking out a bottle of lube. Henry tried to remember if that was the same one he’d had when the two of them were last together. Maybe it was, the bottle was half empty after all.

“You really didn’t hook up with anyone?” Alex asked as he popped the bottle open. It was like he could read Henry’s mind, which wasn’t particularly new for the two of them. “I mean, I guess that was the last thing in your mind, I’m just asking because it makes me feel bad for hooking up with other people,” he mused, getting some lube on his fingertips and shifting to reach between them, gently applying it between the other man’s cheeks.

“Don’t feel bad,” Henry whispered, “You’re kind enough not to hold my absence against me. I don’t intend to hold the way you tried to care for yourself against you. We were both just trying to find a way to make ourselves feel better; leave it in the past, darling. Please? I’m not angry, only a bit jealous,” he added the last statement with a playful tone, leaning up to kiss Alex’s jawline.

“God, I love you,” Alex whispered. “Got nothing to be jealous about, I got the person I want under me right now,” and as he pushed one finger into sensitive muscle, his lips met the other man’s; and Henry felt the truth in it.

It was like electricity coursing through him, making his body instantly react. Arching from the bed and into the warmth of Alex’s form, wrapping arms around broad shoulders and sliding fingers into dips and curves. Henry’s lips falling open in a near silent moan as a second finger followed only moments later. He was relaxed enough to take both with ease, needing less prep from their activity barely hours ago. But even so, Alex’s touch was gentle, his movements careful as he curled fingers inside of Henry more like he was inspecting fine silk than searching for a prostate.

“That okay, sweetheart?” Alex’s voice trembled slightly against Henry’s lips, matching the shaking breaths coming from them. “You’re not sore from earlier? ‘Know I was kinda rough with you.”

“It’s perfect,” Henry breathed, feeling pleasure run through his body in waves with just the brush of fingertips. The right amount of pressure to make his thighs trembled as he pulled them back. Arms wrapped around and behind his knees, making himself more accessible to each of Alex’s touches. “I see you’ve not forgotten how to find my prostate,” he whispered, a playful smile on his lips.

“Oh, sweetheart,” the brunette shook his head. His voice was low, barely above a whisper, husky with need but smooth and silky with what could only be called love. His eyes held the same softness, as if he was watching the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. Henry’s face almost reflected in them, expressions very much a mirror or one another, but it was Alex who spoke next, “I remember everything, these fingers only know the path of your body,” he murmured, “My lips only remember the touch of your skin, every kiss before and after you was looking for the dimple on your shoulder, the curve of your neck, the shape of your jaw, the way your bottom lip slots between them like a puzzle piece. It’s like riding a bike, I’ve forgotten how to touch anyone besides you- anyone else thinks I’m clumsy, I’m sure of it,” he kept speaking as his fingers worked, as a third slipped into the blond- like he wasn’t waxing poetic. Or as if it wasn’t the most beautiful thing Henry had ever heard, “Every part of me is molded for you, you made sure of that, baby. Maybe you didn’t even know, but you do now. No one besides you gets the best of me, my hands can’t find your dips in their waist; but I like to think no one’s palm fits in the curve of your lower back like mine.”

“It doesn’t,” Henry gasped, shaking his head as he swallowed thickness in his throat. His lips parted as his eyes felt wet, nose burning with tears that threatened to form. But he was smiling, it was different from all the tears he’d cried for the last year. Warmth all over his body, pleasure from the man knelt between his thighs, or the strong hand running up his chest, cupping his face, “That was beautiful,” he breathed as one of Alex’s thumbs brushed along his lower lip, “I didn’t know you could do that sober,” he added with a quiet lovestruck chuckle.

“Only for you,” Alex pante, before his lips took the place of his own thumb on Henry’s mouth.

This kiss seemed to speak for both men in the silence. As Alex slipped his fingers carefully out of the other man and moved into place, sliding inside of Henry with a low groan. Moans and sighs in unison melting into one another’s mouths as Henry’s arms wrapped around Alex’s shoulders, one leg following suit around the brunette’s waist moments later. The thrusts were languid, deep and timed, two sets of hips rolling toward one another to meet in tandem. For Henry, it was euphoric, not just the physical sensation, but the connection- having the man he loved this close to him. Alex being inside was wonderful, but his legs and arms around Alex, feeling every part of their bodies pressed together, even Alex’s stomach pressing against Henry’s own hardness- it was heavenly.

Neither man seemed to prioritize breathing over the other’s lips, which mostly meant little stolen gasps between them before they kissed breathlessly once more. Their muffled sounds filling the room, their bodies barely making a noise; more just constant soft rustling of sheets. It was euphoric, tender and fluid, like the meeting of two halves that had been separated for two long. Henry wished he had a way to say that, something nearly as poetic as Alex had said to him. But the feeling of moisture against his cheeks told him he didn’t need to. Warm droplets hitting the skin at the corners of the blond’s eyes, gliding down his face as they cooled quickly. His fingers tugging Alex’s hair tighter, ankles hooking behind the other man’s back.

“I love you,” Henry murmured into the other man’s mouth, “I promise, I’ll never leave you again.”

“I’m just happy you’re back,” Alex’s voice was thick with the few tears that had fallen, “Missed you like a limb, baby,” he panted before crushing their lips back together.

The pleasure seemed to build between both of them. Henry could feel the familiar heat creeping up his thighs, as well as Alex’s cock throbbing inside of him, making him paw helplessly at the other man’s back. However, the pace remained the same, rocking together, Henry digging his heels in as he pulled Alex impossibly deeper. Their sounds were the only noticeable change, becoming more and more frantic, leaving less room for actual kissing between them. Sometimes even just nuzzling their faces together amid whimpers and moans.

It was hard to tell how much time had passed when the pleasure began to build to a crescendo. Minutes or hours could have passed, of only absolute bliss as the men’s bodies moved in time, so impossibly close together that they could scarcely tell where one ended and the other began. For all the sex he’d had, some meaningless, some with the man he loved deeply, Henry could not remember a time where it had felt so intense; so holy. He could also not recall ever having reached orgasm at the exact same time as his partner. But now, it was hard to tell? Was it Alex first, or Henry; maybe just they were truly in sync, he chose to believe that anyway. Like some sign that this was right, that he’d have a chance of being okay after all.

Time seemed to pass just as slowly as they basked in the afterglow, Alex resting inside of Henry as both men kissed. Humming in a low way into one another’s lips, hands moving over sweaty skin, just desperate to touch any way they could. It was nice to laugh again, Henry found himself thinking, feeling Alex’s kisses against his teeth, making the giggles worse. Untangling tired limbs felt like a loss, the fullness inside of Henry fading to an emptiness that seemed to ache. But Alex didn’t allow that to last long, instead keeping close as they pulled clothes back on. He even pulled Henry’s arms around him as he packed a fabric bag with produce items from his kitchen.

“So,” Alex asked, finally breaking comfortable silence as he tossed a few seasonings into the bag, “You promise you’re really not going to run off again?”

“I promise,” Henry hummed, allowing his full weight to rest on the other man’s back as he reached between the brunette’s arms, grabbing a container of strawberries. He carefully slipped it in the bag, before shuffling along as Alex kept packing. “You’d really want me to move in with you?”

“I mean, I’m down,” the brunette grinned, turning his head to give Henry’s temple a playfully rough kiss, “Besides, we should save on rent because you know we’re both going to go back into retirement after one shoot together, right? But let’s just see how it goes, last time we made plans, god laughed.”

“Mhn, I didn’t even think about that,” Henry laughed, only standing up once Alex began grabbing his keys to lock up the house, “You’ve got a point, but there’s going to be a handful of people in our Instagram comments utterly losing their mind over that update.”

“Oh absolutely,” Alex nodded, lacing one arm with the other man as he locked the front door and began walking toward Henry’s car, “You drive us?”

“Sure,” the blond hummed, only seeming a little distracted, looking up at the sky. Night had fallen since they’d last been outside, stars beginning to twinkle.

“Whatcha looking at, baby?”

“Just there,” Henry whispered, almost in awe. He was pointing at the sky, stepping closer to Alex so he was pointing more in the brunette’s line of sight, “That’s the constellation Orion,” he explained with a smile. One that slowly grew into a more beaming expression; because with the weight of Alex’s chin on his shoulder, it didn’t feel like Henry’s ribs were threatening to burst through his chest.

“Yeah?” Judging by his tone, Alex seemed to sense the importance, even if he didn’t know it yet, “You wanna tell me what that means on the drive over?”

“I love you so much,” Henry exhaled, leaning over and pressing a kiss to a stubbled cheek before he began walking back to the car, “I’ll tell you all about it.”

“I love you too,” Alex beamed, opening the passenger’s side door, “Can’t wait, sweetheart,” he hummed with a wink.