Chapter Text
The Cadet Graduation Party was already in full swing when they arrived. Alec frowned, realising that since everyone was dressed up rather than in their uniforms, the only person he knew he would definitely recognise was Jones who, like himself, wore plain clothes.
Paul noticed his hesitation. “Alright?” he asked, his mouth close to Alec’s ear and his hand resting on the small of his back.
Alec grimaced then nodded. He wasn’t alright. He didn’t want to be here. Even less so now that Mariah bloody Carey came over the loud speakers. At least they were getting that out of the way early. He sincerely hoped they weren’t going to play Christmas pop all night. He spotted Jones at the buffet table with a tall, blonde woman and someone he thought could be Todd, and gestured to Paul, then walked towards them.
”Alec! You made it!” Jones had obviously had a couple of drinks already, and Alec eyed him as the younger DI put his arm around Alec’s shoulder to draw him into their group. “Come and join us!” he said enthusiastically and Todd rolled her eyes, smiling at Alec and Paul.
“Evening Sir, Reverend,” she said, nodding a hello.
Paul grinned. “Just Paul tonight, Sergeant Todd, I’m off duty.”
“Tracey,” she replied. “So am I. This is my fiancé, Carl.” The dark haired man beside her turned at his name and shook hands with first Paul, then Alec as introductions were made.
”And this is my wife, Fiona. Doctor Fiona Jones,” he added, proudly.
Fiona laughed and joined in the round of introductions. “Just Fiona. I’m not on call tonight either,” she laughed again and Paul felt an instant draw to her light-hearted demeanour.
“You’re a Doctor? Medical or Academic?” Paul effortlessly engaged her in conversation and Alec raised an eyebrow in surprise.
”Medical. Paediatrics, specifically.”
”Oh, you’re based over in Poole then?” Paul was familiar with the local hospitals from visiting parishioners and the largest paediatric unit was in the town. Fiona nodded, moving towards Paul as they fell into an easy back and forth. Jones gave his wife a wide grin, then leaned over to Alec.
“I guess that leaves us to chat, then,” he said, almost apologetically.
Alec resisted the urge to make a snarky comeback. “Actually, I think I’ll pop over and grab some drinks while the bar’s free.”
Jones looked around at the empty bar, then back to Alec. “Good idea. Tracey, you two need a top up?” Todd shook her head and Jones followed Alec to the bar.
”Two orange juices, no ice?” Alec asked the bartender, who nodded.
“Orange juice?” Jones seemed almost put out that he had ordered soft drinks.
”Paul’s driving,” Alec said by way of explanation. His colleagues knew he was on medical leave from active duty. He assumed a fellow DI would be able to figure out he couldn’t drink, most likely because of any medication he was on.
”Oh, right, of course. Your heart condition,” Jones said, nodding and Alec glared at him, annoyed that he knew that detail. No bloody privacy, he thought.
“It’s not a condition,” he growled, picking up their drinks and making his way back to Paul, who was now chatting with all three of the remainder of the group and apparently keeping them entertained, given they were all laughing at something he had just said. Alec envied him his easy ability to hold court just a little, but mostly he admired it. He gave Paul an appreciative smile as he handed him his drink, and Paul leaned over to kiss his cheek and ask a quick ‘Alright?’ In his ear.
Alec nodded and stood close to Paul, and he and Jones reintegrated into the group. Not long after that CS Lincoln and her husband joined them briefly and Alec felt relieved to be able to stand quietly in the background as Paul did his thing. He watched, fascinated as Paul easily ingratiated himself to each of Alec’s colleagues and their respective partners, relaxing as the man seemed to absorb all the attention away from Alec. Surreptitiously, he slipped his hand into Paul’s and moved closer when he felt a reassuring squeeze back, even though Paul didn’t break from the conversation.
If this was what socialising with Paul was going to be like, it might not be so bad, he thought.
An hour and a half later, he was rethinking his position on that. Somehow, while Paul was still engaged in conversation with various individuals and groups, Alec had made his way to the periphery of the room and was happily skulking in the shadows. Until, that was, the cadets reached their alcohol tolerance and hit the dancefloor. Then he spent a good while fending off one after another of them who tried to get him to join them. He couldn’t quite fathom why any of them would even try. He was being as grumpy and antisocial as he could possibly be, giving off the prickly air that Miller often complained about. If Alec had had a neon sign over his head it would have said, ‘Not friendly. Known to bite.’ Still, they kept coming up to him one after another until eventually about half a dozen of the female cadets were hassling him. He honestly just wanted to tell them to piss off, and leave, but it was a work thing and the top brass of the Academy were there. He already wasn’t popular, he couldn’t afford to make it worse. He couldn’t just go and do traffic duty, like Miller.
He glanced around, looking for Paul, who appeared deep in conversation with one of the other partners, but Paul was actually scanning the room, looking for someone himself. Alec felt his heart miss a beat in a good way for once, as he realised Paul was looking for him. Even at a party, in the midst of socialising, this sweet man was still looking for the grumpy Scot, to make sure he was alright. When he spotted Alec, they didn’t even exchange glances. Paul immediately excused himself from his conversation partner and made his way directly to Alec.
“C’mon, Sir, come and dance! You haven’t danced all evening.” One of the more drunk female cadets was getting pretty insistent now and Alec was grinding his teeth.
“Sorry, ladies,” Paul said, smoothly positioning himself between Alec and the two most aggressive females of the group. “I’m afraid DI Hardy’s dance card is well and truly full tonight. You’re going to have to try somewhere else.”
One of the girls gave Paul a scathing look, evidently not appreciating being told ‘No’, but Paul paid her no heed. His attention was already fully on Alec, who was tense and on edge from all the attention. He took Alec’s drink from his hand, put it on the nearest table and slipped an arm around his waist, pulling him close. Then he started walking backwards onto the edge of the dance floor, taking Alec with him, despite his protests. Somehow he managed to manoeuvre them so that Alec was facing away from everyone, then he encircled his waist lightly and began to sway.
Alec frowned. He had never been much for dancing. With Tess it had always felt like she was showing off or trying to attract attention, and he’d always hated it. Paul though, kept his eyes firmly on Alec’s face, giving him a soft smile and patiently waiting until Alec relaxed into it. Eventually, Alec gave in, slipping his arms up around Paul’s neck and leaning into him as they swayed to the rhythm, secluded in their own little bubble. Slowly, he felt the tension draining away until there was nothing but himself and Paul and the music. They stayed together in their corner, secluded from the others thanks to the DJ having turned the lights down, finishing their drinks and occasionally dancing, or sitting holding hands or chatting. A lot of other couples seemed to have done the same and it wasn’t long before it became obvious they could leave without anyone really noticing.
“Want to make a run for it?” Paul whispered in his ear, and Alec nodded.
“Yes. Yes, I do.” He stood up and they made their way towards the exit, then out into the carpark without anyone stopping them. As soon as they were outside, Paul grabbed his hand and dragged him back towards him with a smile, pulling him close for a long, deep kiss.
“Been holding that one back for a while have you?” Alec teased, but he could feel a blush creeping up his neck.
“Yes, actually,” Paul admitted, and laughed as Alec’s blush reached his cheeks. “Didn’t think you’d live it down if I did it in front of those cadets.”
Alec looked alarmed. “You kidding? They’d have all whipped their phones out in seconds. Feel like a bloody zoo exhibit!”
“Can’t exactly blame them,” Paul said, unlocking the car and grinning cheekily. “You’re just really pretty to look at.”
— — — — —
Alec and Paul strode across the gangway and through the alley to Alec’s gate, quickly making their way indoors. The weather was turning bitter now, and the stiff winds from the south west had long ago replaced the salty breezes of summer. Paul gave an exaggerated shiver as Alec fumbled with the keys in the dark, then hurried inside after him.
“Well, I can think of worse ways to spend a Friday night,” Paul said, as they each removed their winter coats and he wandered over to put the kettle on, as much out of habit as anything else. “Rather enjoyed it. You?’
”Sure, was alright,” Alec said, wrapping his arms around Paul from behind. “You got an early start tomorrow?”
”No,” Paul said, turning in Alec’s arms and hugging him back. “No weddings, no christenings, no services, no nothing until Sunday. A blissful Saturday off.”
“Sounds nice. Any plans?”
Paul smirked. “Well, there’s this rather handsome Scotsman I was hoping might be free tomorrow too…”
”Ach, sorry. He called and said he couldn’t make it, so you’ll have to make do with me..”
”Shucks,” Paul said, jabbing Alec lightly in the ribs.
Alec slapped at his hand. “Do not tickle me. I’m trained in hand to hand combat.”
”Slapping my hand with yours does not qualify as ‘hand to hand combat’. Besides, you’ve got a bad heart and you’re 150lbs soaking wet.”
“Shut up,” Alec said, good naturedly as Paul pulled him into another kiss.
As they parted, Alec was struck by an enormous sense of sadness that the night was about to end, and he realised he didn’t want it to. Suddenly he felt an almost desperate need to keep Paul there with him for as long as possible. He swallowed his pride and asked the question.
“Do you… erm… would you like to stay?” He realised how it sounded when Paul’s eyes went wide in shock. “Oh! No! Not like that, obviously. Going slow still. Just…” he shrugged, feeling less sure of himself. “Thought it might be nice, you know? Having some company. It’s been a good night. Don’t really want it to end just yet.”
Paul blinked at Alec, sure he looked as guilty as he immediately felt. “Um. Not to kill the mood, but, I have something I need to tell you before we get that… serious. I’ve put it off long enough and it’s not really fair to you to keep it to myself any longer.”
Alec released him, one hand going into his pocket, the other finding Paul’s shoulder. He frowned. “You sound worried.”
Paul nodded. “Uh… yeah. Yes. I am. A bit. I mean, I probably shouldn't be, I trust you. It’s just I’m not really sure how you’ll - how anyone - will react to it.”
Alec took Paul’s hand and led him over to the sofa, settling beside him and wrapping an arm around his shoulders. Their heads rested against each other for a moment, as they often did when they sat together, then Alec said, “Take your time. I won’t interrupt.”
Paul nodded, but didn’t speak right away.
After a while he cleared his throat. “I told you before about when - and why - I ran away from home, and wound up homeless in London, and then ended up getting addicted to alcohol. But there’s more to it than that, something I left out. Something important that I’ve never told anyone. I’ve always been too ashamed to admit to it.” He breathed in a shuddering sigh, then pulled away from Alec to sit on the edge of the sofa, elbows on his knees and hands clasped together to stop them shaking.
“I was fifteen and I had no ID, no money, and whatever happened I was not going to go back to my foster parents. But I had to survive somehow. I tried odd jobs but people kept asking about my age and where I was from. It didn’t work out. So I ended up doing the only thing I knew how to do - the one thing my bastard foster father taught me to do - I let men use me.” He sighed heavily, wringing his hands together. When he continued his voice was raw with emotion and fear. “I was a sex worker. I did whatever I needed to do on Friday and Saturday nights with anyone who would pay me, in order to buy enough cheap vodka that I didn’t care about the next few days. Survived like that for years. Until one night someone hurt me. Really hurt me. I realised if I carried on the way I was, I was going to die. The next morning I went to the nearest Church and asked for help.”
Paul fell silent and waited for Alec’s reaction, his heart racing. There was a movement beside him and a voice in his head screamed at Alec to not leave, that he was sorry, that he wished he could take it back and not have told him anything. He was stupid to imagine anyone would want to be with him when they found out the sort of disgusting things he’d done; how he’d made money to feed his addiction.
But Alec didn’t leave. His voice was low and soothing as he slowly reached out and rubbed his hand across Paul’s shoulders. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry that happened to you,” he said and Paul turned abruptly to look at him, seeing the sympathy in Alec’s eyes. He frowned in confusion then looked away again, embarrassed.
”It doesn’t bother you?” he asked, so quietly that he wasn’t sure he’d even spoken out loud.
Now Alec looked confused. “Why would it?”
”You don’t…” Paul screwed his eyes shut and swallowed the feeling of nausea that suddenly came over him. “You don’t think I’m… dirty?” he asked in a small voice, simultaneously dreading Alec’s answer and hoping it wouldn’t be as brutal as he expected.
Alec shifted closer, putting his hand up to Paul’s face gently and turning his head, so he could look into his eyes and show Paul he meant every word he was about to say.
”We’ve all done questionable things. Things we had no choice in. People say that your past makes you who you are. But I think, what makes you who you are, is being brave enough to be a good, honest, decent person, despite your past. You’re incredibly brave to have survived and overcome everything you’ve been through. A lot don’t. I certainly don’t see you any differently just because you’ve told me about it. You’re the same person you were five minutes ago. But now you know you’ve got someone in your life who knows all your secrets. And still wants to be with you.”
Paul’s face contorted again as he struggled to take in what Alec was saying. He shook his head. “But I come with so many bad choices and so many questionable decisions. Not to mention most people come with an ex or three and I…” he trailed off, his voice falling to a whisper, sounding utterly wretched. “I’ve literally been with hundreds of men I didn’t even know. Let them do things to me that-” He broke off, ashamed to say anything more and a tear slipped down his cheek. He brushed it away, gritting his teeth against the emotions.
Alec snorted. “You’re gay. Do you think I’m disgusting because I was married to a woman for nearly twenty years?”
”It’s not the same thing-“
“It is.” Alec cut him off. “Because it’s all in the past. None of that affects this - Us. Not in any way I didn’t already know about at least. You’ve been treated terribly your entire life, and that breaks my heart honestly. It makes me even more determined to show you what a good relationship is like. Nothing’s perfect, but I know I can treat you better than anyone else ever has!” Alec’s voice dropped to a whisper, as he forced himself to be absolutely truthful with Paul. “One day I hope I’ll be able to love you in ways no one else ever has too, emotionally at least. Takes me a while to get there, but once I do, I’m in deep. And I don’t hold back.”
”One day?” Paul asked weakly, in a meagre attempt to lighten the mood before he lost it completely and broke down crying.
Alec shrugged. “Hang around til I get my pacemaker. I might be able to get you an upgrade.”
Paul relaxed back against him and Alec immediately took him in his arms, holding him close.
“If you keep this up I’m going to fall in love with you,” Paul said, his tone ominous.
Alec smiled. “Is that a threat or a promise?”
Paul chuckled dryly. “A warning, I think.”
Alec pressed a soft kiss to Paul’s temple. “So. You’re staying, right?”
Paul leaned up for a proper kiss, running his hand over Alec’s stubbled cheek. “Try and stop me.”
Alec nodded thoughtfully. “Alright. Ground rules,” he said firmly, trying to imagine if he was nervous, feeling vulnerable, what would help him feel safer.
Paul nodded. “Absolutely. Fire away.”
Alec rolled his eyes. “No, not me. You!” he sighed dramatically. “Look, I’ve got physical limitations, but other than that, I’m a cheap date. I’m very easy going and I’ll try anything once, although,” he qualified. “I am quite squeamish, so don’t get carried away. But anything within your boundaries right now, is fine with me. It sounds like you’ve never been given a choice, let alone been in control. You should have that. I want you to. So. You set the ground rules, and you change them as you feel comfortable.”
Paul looked completely dumbfounded. “Are you sure? I mean, I don’t really know what I’m doing or anything. I’ve never had a proper relationship. It was never practical before I got sober and after - well, we’re not encouraged to do that until we’re stable.”
”All the more reason for you to have space to work it out for yourself. Don’t worry, I won’t be shy about speaking up if I need to. Start simple, just the basics.”
Paul nodded slowly, taking an unsteady breath but willing to trust Alec’s approach. “Alright. I mean, I think we’ve pretty much already established the only thing I really need, which is time. I know I can’t engage in anything sexual until I feel completely safe. And I think it’s only fair to tell you there’s a chance I might never be able to feel that safe, even with you.”
Alec shrugged. “Sex isn’t everything. Never seen it as being that important. You’ve as much time as you need.”
An almost tangible sense of relief washed over Paul’s face. “Good. Then we’re on the same page.”
”We should have a safe word,” Alec said nonchalantly, again catching Paul off guard.
“Why? Isn’t that for special… circumstances?’
Alec looked at him, eyebrows high on his forehead. “I’ve got a dodgy heart, which at any moment might require me to rest, take pills, or call an ambulance. I think that’s pretty special circumstances, don’t you?”
”Oh, okay,” Paul said, nodding, but sounding doubtful.
Alec spoke softly as he continued. “Besides, I don’t want to do or say something I think is totally normal, only to find out it makes you feel unsafe or triggered or something. We both need a way to say stop without having to explain in the moment. That’s literally what safe words are for.”
Paul looked thoughtful for a moment and this time sounded a lot more sure. “Got it. Right. No, yes, you’re right. That makes sense. Safe words are a good option.”
”Beetroot,” Alec said, over pronouncing the syllables in his Scots brogue.
Paul grimaced. “I hate beetroot.”
”So do I,” said Alec. “Which is why it’s highly unlikely to ever come up in conversation at any point that’s not intentional. With the added bonus that we can use it in a public setting if we have to, and no one will be any the wiser.”
“Ah, like a password?” Paul couldn’t help but laugh. “Beetroot it is then.”
Alec gave him a genuinely bright smile and stood up, holding his hand out. ‘C’mon, Vicar. Bed,” he said, raising an eyebrow cheekily.
Paul blushed but stood up, taking Alec’s outstretched hand and following him into the small room at the front of the chalet. It was barely big enough for the small double bed, but it was comfortable, and decorated in calming shades of blue, even down to the bedding.
“Feuch e,” Alec said, inviting Paul in.
“What’s that? Gaelic?”
”Scottish Gaelic. Literally means ‘feel free’. Roughly translates to something like ‘mi casa es su casa’.
Paul followed him into the room and Alec gave him a whistle stop tour.
“Second drawer is t-shirts and all that. Borrow whatever you need.” Alec led them into the shower room and opened the cabinet, taking out a spare toothbrush, still in its packet and handing it to Paul. He pointed to a large, white prescription box.
”Extra tablets are there. There’s a pack by the bed, one in my jacket pocket, one in my drawer at work, and the rest in here. My prescription card and Doctor’s info is all there too.” He shrugged. “In case you ever need it.”
Paul nodded solemnly. “Hopefully I won’t ever need to make use of that information, but useful to know. Should I take some to keep in my desk at the Church, just in case?” he suggested.
“No. Maybe keep some in the car though.” He yawned. “Can we please go to bed now?” Alec’s bottom lip pouted out comically and Paul laughed, gesturing towards Alec’s face.
“Okay, that’s cute”
Alec immediately scowled and pulled away. “M’Not cute,” he grumped and stalked back out of the bathroom, leaving Paul chuckling.
They each set about getting ready for bed, Alec refilling his glass of water in case he needed his pills during the night, and Paul making them a cup of tea to relax with. By the time they settled into his slightly too narrow double bed, Alec could barely keep his eyes open. He slipped an arm around Paul’s waist, resting his head in the crook of his neck. He felt Paul’s arms wrap around him, one of his hands coming to rest on the small of his back and idly rubbing patterns there. Alec hummed contentedly and, encouraged, Paul slipped his hand under the bottom of Alec’s shirt, his fingertips gently caressing his skin.
“Is this okay?” Paul asked, his voice tentative. He felt like he was walking a tightrope of his own boundaries and what might be expected of him, and he really wasn’t sure what would be acceptable.
Seemingly picking up on this, Alec leaned up on his elbow, frowning. “You don’t need to ask permission,” he said firmly but kindly. “I mean, it’s nice that you have. But you can touch me, it’s fine.”
Paul nodded. “Right. I’m just nervous I think,” he said, giving a self-deprecating huff.
Alec watched him for a moment. “As long as we keep communicating, it’ll be fine. Trust me, I know what happens to a relationship when you stop doing that.”
Again Paul nodded, but he didn’t look any more convinced than before.
“Alright, look,” Alec said. “If it seems relatively normal, just do it. If you think it’s maybe a bit weird or niche, or a bit too intimate, then ask first. Yeah?”
“Yes, okay,” Paul agreed finally, breathing out a sigh of relief. He began rubbing his hand lightly over Alec’s back much less hesitantly. Still, he only relaxed fully himself when he heard Alec’s breathing even out into quiet snores.
Despite feeling quite tired from their night of socialising, Paul remained awake for a while, unable to fall asleep and running the conversation from earlier through his mind, over and over. He couldn’t quite believe that he’d told Alec the truth - everything - about London. Almost everything. He hadn’t been specific about what had happened to him to make him finally seek help, but Alec was a DI, had been a DI in a big City. He wasn’t exactly naive. Paul was sure he could work out what might have happened, given his occupation at the time. He would be aware of what sort of crimes were committed against sex workers. And yet Alec seemed to have accepted it all as just another chapter in Paul’s story. Not something that had made Paul who he was, but something he had put behind him to become who he was.
Paul had never thought of it like that before, but it made sense the more he thought about it. He wrapped his arms tighter around Alec, who moaned quietly in his sleep. Before long, Paul felt his eyes grow heavy and finally, he too, slept.