Archive of Our Own ^beta

CARMY

Pass one.

SYDNEY

Yeah.

CARMY

‘Member when I tried to quit?

SYDNEY

Like a month ago.

CARMY

Yeah.

SYDNEY

And then you gave up.

CARMY

If there’s no hope for you there’s no hope for me.

CARMY

Service was good today.

SYDNEY

Sure.

CARMY

Has been right?

CARMY

Don’t fucking do that. You know its been good.

CARMY

You’re only smoking one a day right?

SYDNEY

Are you my parent?

CARMY

What does your dad say?

SYDNEY

That I’m an adult and I can do whatever the fuck I want.

I don’t have to tell him every detail of my life.

CARMY

You don’t tell him any detail of your life. Or anyone else.

SYDNEY

This concerns you how?

CARMY

Because I care about you.

SYDNEY

Hm.

CARMY

I don’t know, maybe I just don’t want your lungs to get fucked up.

SYDNEY

Really?

CARMY

Why aren’t you talking to me? You said we weren’t gonna do this.

SYDNEY

I’m talking.

CARMY

No, you’re being like that.

SYDNEY

Like what?

CARMY

Like that. Weird.

SYDNEY

What do you want me to say?

CARMY

Admit that service has been good. Everything has been good. Really good. Economics are looking clean for once.

SYDNEY

You said it, why do I have to say it?

CARMY

Fine, whatever.

SYDNEY

It’s your last day.

CARMY

Yep.

SYDNEY

What do you plan to do now. Sit around. Leech off your ER doctor girlfriend.

CARMY

No, I have a job lined up.

SYDNEY

Yeah?

CARMY

Recipe development. Food and Wine.

SYDNEY

Does that pay?

CARMY

Not a lot but—

SYDNEY

Well, good luck.

CARMY

I could stay longer if you need.

SYDNEY

How much longer are we talking?

CARMY

A week maybe.

SYDNEY

I’m fine.

CARMY

Yeah?

SYDNEY

Yeah. Everything’s fine.

CARMY

I knew you could do this. You’re made for this.

SYDNEY

Every time I hear your voice, I get this impulse to shove you right into that dumpster.

CARMY

You won’t have to hear my voice anymore after today.

SYDNEY

Yeah, thank God.

CARMY

Its gonna be good. Its gonna be better.

SYDNEY

I bet it will.

CARMY

Me, I’ve never had it, as badly as I wanted to, I just never did. I never could have done this. You are everything—everything this place is.

SYDNEY

What do you want me to say that? You want me to be thrilled? You want me to thank you like, ‘Oh the great Carmen Berzatto thinks I fucking have it.’

CARMY

I’m not great.

SYDNEY

Hm. Bet it hurts to admit that.

CARMY

A little.

SYDNEY

Is that what this is about then? It’s an ego thing? You’re leaving because you think I’m better? And it hurts too much to work with someone you think is better than you?

CARMY

Not ‘think.’ Syd, you are better.

SYDNEY

Not what I asked.

CARMY

No. No, that’s not why.

SYDNEY

Then?

SYDNEY

You’re a loser. Coward. Worthless. Asshole. Just an overall bad chef. What made you think you could ever do this?

CARMY

Wow. It’s like you’re in my head.

SYDNEY

…Is what I wish I could say.

CARMY

No, you’re right. Everything you said just now, its true.

SYDNEY

Yeah. It’s so true that I killed my credit card and flew all the way to New York to just get a taste of what you were cooking. You’re so terrible at cooking you served me the dish that made me wanna continue being a chef. The dish that basically led me here.

CARMY

You—you did that?

SYDNEY

Yeah.

CARMY

That’s insane.

SYDNEY

I know.

CARMY

What was the dish?

SYDNEY

Hamachi, blood orange. Let me just show you.

SYDNEY (CONT’D)

This one.

CARMY

You’re the only person that ever got to try this.

SYDNEY

Like it was removed after?

CARMY

No, like I only made one. Ever. Fields had something else on his menu. I lied and said it was a substitute for a fennel allergy.

SYDNEY

Why?

CARMY

Ego maybe. I thought it was good. Thought it was better.

SYDNEY

You were right.

CARMY

(referring to the risotto)

So were you.

SYDNEY

Sorry I—

SYDNEY (CONT’D)

Fuck off.

CARMY

(tearing up)

I don’t wanna end things like this.

SYDNEY

Then don’t end it.

CARMY

I can’t—I can’t do that.

SYDNEY

Why?

CARMY

Because I’m gonna fuck it up.

SYDNEY

You said things looked good now.

CARMY

Yeah. They look good because I stepped back.

SYDNEY

No because you listened. You can listen. You can keep listening.

Did you not… have times where you were like, ‘Yeah, I like this. This is where I should be.’

CARMY

Of course I did.

SYDNEY

Then you still love it.

CARMY

It’s not that simple.

SYDNEY

Fine, then explain it to me.

CARMY

If I somehow fuck this up for you—I-I don’t even wanna think about it.

SYDNEY

What makes you think I’m gonna let you.

CARMY

I know, I know. I’m just like…

CARMY (CONT’D)

I’m a disease. I fuck up everything I touch.

SYDNEY

You think Claire is immune to this disease somehow

CARMY

Don’t.

SYDNEY

No, explain that. Like she’s gonna fix you or something?

CARMY

Syd.

SYDNEY

What.

CARMY

Stop.

You’re going too far.

SYDNEY

Look at me.

SYDNEY (CONT’D)

You really don’t love this anymore?

CARMY

I-I-I—

CARMY (CONT’D)

Fuck.

SYDNEY

Actually never mind. I’m too tired for this.

CARMY

Hey, we’re still good right?

CARMY

We’re friends? Right?

SYDNEY

(whispering)

I will never forgive you for this.

CARMY

(whispering)

I know.

CARMY

Yeah, so the name, it was a thing between me and my brother, an inside joke but I took it very seriously and he… I’m not sure he did.

INTERVIEWER

‘Bear’ like ‘bear-zatto’?

CARMY

Yeah, exactly.

INTERVIEWER

Your successor, the current head chef of The Bear is, however, not a Berzatto.

CARMY

No, she’s not.

INTERVIEWER

So, when that hand off happened—

CARMY

Also… she’s not my successor. The restaurant originally started out as an idea between me and my brother. That’s all it was. An idea. Chef Sydney took that idea and made it into something real. She was the heart. In a way the founder.

INTERVIEWER

That’s really interesting. Go more into that… according to her she had originally been hired as a sous chef. What led to that transition.

CARMY

I guess… she knew what I wanted from that place better than I knew what I wanted.

INTERVIEWER

What did you want?

CARMY

I wanted it to feel like family. I grew up in a large family. A real messy one—

INTERVIEWER

Families usually are.

CARMY

This one was especially messy. Like you couldn’t believe messy. They drove me insane sometimes. Most of the time. We’d have these grand Christmas dinners that were just—

CARMYS (CONT’D)

Hm… I don’t know if I wanna get into that. But they were a lot. But at the same time there were also these smaller family moments, like me and my brother cooking our family spaghetti recipe. That feeling, that warmth—I wanted to capture that. I wanted to make people who came to The Bear feel the way I felt then. Like if the world is managing this big messy family Christmas dinner—this restaurant, The Bear—would be like making spaghetti with your older brother.

INTERVIEWER

That sounds kind of specific. How were you able to get this vision across to Chef Sydney. I’m assuming you didn’t know each other too well before she became your sous chef.

CARMY

No, we didn’t know each other. Or—I didn’t know her.

To answer your question, I never really had to. Like I said earlier, she knew what I wanted better than I knew.

That feeling, that warmth, I lost that when my brother died. When Chef Sydney walked in here, she brought it back. For me but also for everyone else. Ask anyone on the team, they’ll say the same thing.

INTERVIEWER

Put it like that, it only makes sense that she’s the head chef.

CARMY

Exactly.

INTERVIEWER

So why did you leave?

CARMY

I mean Sydney was… she was everything. I was holding her back. If I stayed there, I would continue holding her back. It was never my restaurant, even when I acted like it was—which I did, I don’t know if you recall the Chicago Tribune report. Every good dish I made, it was connected to her in one way or another.

I once told Chef Marcus, the head pastry chef—we were talking about legacy—that to make the restaurant good, I’d have to filter out the bad.

CARMY (CONT’D)

I was the bad.

INTERVIEWER

It takes a lot of courage to admit that.

CARMY

Courage? Nah, that doesn’t sound like me.

INTERVIEWER

I mean, in a way you changed your whole career. Switching to recipe development and now you’re acting as a consultant, assisting other chefs with refining their menus and cookbooks. It’s new. You don’t see that happen a lot. How was that switch? Was it hard?

CARMY

Sometimes its hard. It’s definitely new. I think The Bear, in a way, is still my source of inspiration. Whenever I feel… stuck, my number one way to get unstuck is to simply dine at The Bear.

INTERVIEWER

You dine at your own former restaurant? How often do you go?

CARMY

Once a month at least.

INTERVIEWER

Don’t tell me they make you pay.

CARMY

Oh, they make me pay. No special treatments here. I tip and everything.

INTERVIEWER

In this business every bit of money matters.

CARMY

Yep. Learned that the hard way.

INTERVIEWER

Everyone does.

So, what does that do for you? You feel an inflow of ideas right after?

CARMY

More like, it just makes me like food again.

You know the last time I felt alive, really alive, was when I was working there. Every time I eat there, I feel that bit of life pump back into me. I take a bite and I’m there, watching Chef Sydney, and everyone else, workshopping this dish. I can feel that buzz, that excitement… it was always so clear on her face… when she thought she nailed something, she did this smile—this uncontained joy, it spilled out of her—you immediately knew it was the one.

INTERVIEWER

A lot of memories, huh? Do you ever miss it.

CARMY

(nods slowly)

Sometimes. Yes.

INTERVIEWER

Do you ever regret leaving?

CARMY

I—

CARMY (CONT’D)

Sorry—

INTERVIEWER

(softly)

No, no. Take your time.

CARMY

I don’t regret it. I think it was the right decision. I know, and everyone there knows, that it had to be done.

INTERVIEWER

That’s just the way things are sometimes.

INTERVIEWER (CONT’D)

Well, to end on a slightly happier note, is there anything you want to say to the The Bear, anything you haven’t already said.

CARMY

(smiling, to the camera)

You got your fucking star.

CARMY (CONT’D)

(to the interviewer)

She’s wanted one since before it was even open.

CARMY (CONT’D)

(back to the camera)

I’m proud of you. I always knew you could do it. Thank you for letting me be there by your side. Thank you for teaching me all that you did. I have worked with some of the greatest chefs in the world but none of them have been able to teach me what you did. I believe in you more than I believe in myself—you already knew that. I… Syd, there isn’t a day I don’t think about The Bear. There isn’t a day I don’t think about you. Whatever you decide to do, wherever you decide to go, I’m always there with you in spirit as your biggest fan, supporter, and as someone who cares about you very deeply.

 

SYDNEY

(muttering to herself)

‘There with you in spirit?’ The fuck? What does that even mean? Bitch you live a subway ride away from me. Forget that fact that he hasn’t even called to say anything. Telling everyone on earth that he’s proud of me and he can’t even send me a text.

MARCUS

We need to limit your screen time.

SYDNEY

Fuck off.

MARCUS

You’re still watching that—what is this, your 50^th time? It came out a week ago.

SYDNEY

Am I not assigning you enough work? Because I can give you more to do.

MARCUS

Man, you gotta let it go.

SYDNEY

I have never wanted to punch someone this badly.

MARCUS

You get one side of his face I’ll get the other.

SYDNEY

I know you still talk to him.

MARCUS

He’s a good reference.

SYDNEY

(looking at the screen)

I don’t get it. Is this supposed to be some kind of ‘fuck you’? What was the point of this interview?

MARCUS

Maybe it paid well.

It’s good exposure for us.

SYDNEY

He’s acting like he did us this a huge favor by quitting, like he’s some kind of martyr for the greater good of the food industry. The only part that made sense was the part where he admitted to being a coward.

MARCUS

Well, you didn’t really reply to his texts or pick up his calls. Maybe… he felt like this was the only way he could talk to you.

SYDNEY

That was ages ago. I wouldn’t do that now.

MARCUS

You sure?

SYDNEY

...Yeah.

MARCUS

Yeah, you know what, I think your right. He really is trying to piss you off. Look at the way he’s blinking. There’s a pattern. It’s morse code for ‘Fuck you, Sydney.’

SYDNEY

Shut up!

MARCUS

No, I’m serious. Remember all the times he came to the restaurant? I didn’t wanna tell you but, every single time, he left a note on the napkin saying, ‘Watch your back motherfucker.’

SYDNEY

Okay, go back inside.

MARCUS

Yes chef.

CARMY (O.S.)

You're back already?

SYDNEY

(whispering to herself)

Fuck.

CARMY

Oh.

SYDNEY

Sorry, uh, Nat was on a trip. She’s supposed to be back today, I had her keys and…

SYDNEY (CONT’D)

You know, like she’s probably tired—she’s been tired with Sophie…

SYDNEY (CONT’D)

Oh. Thanks.

CARMY

Yeah, I’m gonna bring these to the kitchen, give me a sec.

CARMY (CONT’D)

That was very sweet of you.

SYDNEY

Nah, it’s—I’m going to leave. I didn’t know you’d be here, I thought the house would be empty—

CARMY

Hey, wait.

CARMY

Don’t leave.

SYDNEY

I’m really busy so…

CARMY

Can I just talk to you for a bit?

SYDNEY

Go ahead.

CARMY

You’re not coming inside?

CARMY (CONT’D)

You’re not hungry? I’m making dinner.

SYDNEY

I already ate.

CARMY

I haven’t seen you in—fuck I don’t even know how long…

I miss you.

SYDNEY

(whispering to herself)

What the hell.

CARMY

What?

SYDNEY

Fine. I’ll come. I lied; I didn’t eat dinner… I am really hungry.

 

CARMY

Ossobuco alla Milanese.

How is it?

SYDNEY

It’s terrible.

CARMY

Fuck off.

SYDNEY

This is the worst thing I’ve ever had.

CARMY

What’s in the bag?

SYDNEY

Real food.

CARMY

Oh yeah? Let’s see it.

SYDNEY

Alright, food haul.

SYDNEY (CONT’D)

Some homemade gnocchi, the real soft kind so Sophie can eat it. I don’t know how powerful her teeth are yet. A bunch of sauces; this creamy brown butter sage thing, because figured Pete would like that. Rose sauce for Nat. Lasagna with crisped up edges. This shrimp salad thing. This mini meatball soup thing.

SYDNEY (CONT’D)

Warm it up first.

CARMY

It’s really good.

SYDNEY

It’s you or me. Nat can’t eat both these dinners.

CARMY

I didn’t know I’d be competing. I feel like I just lost.

SYDNEY

Wait until she gets here before you surrender.

CARMY

What have you been doing these days?

SYDNEY

Oh? You want to know?

CARMY

…Yeah, I want to know.

SYDNEY

I just wasn’t sure you cared.

CARMY

Why would I ask if I didn’t care?

SYDNEY

My bad, I didn’t know you were capable of ‘asking.’ Like, I just thought, whatever you wanted to ask, you’d mention it in a public interview, since that seems to be your only method of communication.

CARMY

You’re mad about that?

SYDNEY

You tell a bunch of lies to the camera—yeah, I’m mad about that!

Or I was. I honestly don’t even care anymore.

CARMY

What? What lies? When did I lie?

SYDNEY

How long is the video again? The whole fucking thing Carm.

CARMY

So I lied when I said you were the heart of the restaurant? When I said you were my biggest teacher? When I said I was proud of you? All I did was praise you!

SYDNEY

You couldn’t have like, called me to tell me all that? Or even texted?

CARMY

Don’t do that. You stopped talking to me first.

SYDNEY

How else do I respond to you leaving!?

CARMY

I’m sorry I didn’t call. I thought you wanted space!

SYDNEY

Oh, fuck off. You know what I wanted.

SYDNEY (CONT’D)

I wanted you to stay!

CARMY

…I know. I’m sorry.

SYDNEY

You didn’t even come to the party!

CARMY

Because you never invited me!

SYDNEY

No, Nat invited you. She told me she did so don’t even sit there and fucking lie to me—

CARMY

Yeah, Nat did. But you didn’t.

SYDNEY

Forget it. I’m over it. I don’t care anymore.

CARMY

You don’t sound over it.

SYDNEY

Can you please shut up.

CARMY

You’re always talking about me leaving and all that—you didn’t even want me around—

SYDNEY

Obviously, I wanted you around.

CARMY

How am I supposed to know that?

We could’ve been friends you know. Outside of the restaurant. If you wanted to. But you never did, you didn’t want me getting involved in your life in any way that didn’t have to do with the restaurant.

SYDNEY

Maybe there’s a reason for that. Maybe I didn’t want a friend that would leave me alone to deal with all their shit.

CARMY

Why do you keep saying that? I didn’t leave you alone. You had Richie, you had Nat, you had Marcus, you had Tina, you had Ebra, Sweeps, Jimmy… you never needed me. You have a star to prove it.

SYDNEY

Does that piss you off? That I got a star without you.

CARMY

No. I’m happy for you.

SYDNEY

It does piss you off.

SYDNEY (CONT’D)

You’re right, I don’t need you. But did it ever cross your mind that maybe, just maybe, I wanted you there. Like specifically you. Not Nat or Richie or Jimmy, because it never started with them. It started with you and me.

SYDNEY (CONT’D)

Well, did it?

CARMY

No, it just… I don’t get it… why would you?

SYDNEY

I don’t fucking know. I’m just crazy, I guess.

I know I wasn’t alone. But I felt alone.

CARMY

I’m sorry. I’m really really really sorry. I-I don’t even know how to tell you how sorry I am.

SYDNEY

Whatever, it was a year ago. I don’t care.

CARMY

You do care.

CARMY (CONT’D)

Congratulations about the star. I meant every good thing I said about you. I really am proud of you.

SYDNEY

(half-heartedly)

Thanks.

CARMY

How was it, finding out? How did everyone react?

SYDNEY

Are you feeling left out all of a sudden?

CARMY

Been feeling left out.

SYDNEY

I didn’t pick up the call, Nat did. But I was in the room when she did. She looked at me and… my heart was basically pounding out of my chest, and… I knew.

Everyone was so psyched, just like full of energy and hugging, and it was so nice seeing everyone so happy.

CARMY

How did you feel? Also psyched?

SYDNEY

Yeah… I was. For a good few seconds.

It was like climbing a mountain and reaching a cliff.

SYDNEY (CONT’D)

Only downhill from here.

CARMY

Syd…

SYDNEY

(voice cracking)

I’m fucked. I’m actually fucked.

SYDNEY (CONT’D)

It can only get worse. There are two restaurants in the entire state of Illinois with two stars so its either literally doing the impossible, staying where I am or, the most likely path, having it all burn down.

CARMY

Come here.

SYDNEY

(crying)

In my head it’s just been bad scenario after bad scenario. I can’t sleep. I have panic attacks all the time. I don’t know who to talk to because… it’s supposed to be a good thing. I’m not supposed to feel like this.

CARMY

(softly)

I know. I know.

SYDNEY

Why does it feel so scary?

CARMY

I don’t know.

SYDNEY

Sorry, this is just awful.

CARMY

I should have called.

SYDNEY

It’s fine.

CARMY

No, it’s not. I was the only person that knew what it-it felt like—fuck, I should have known to call.

SYDNEY

I wish you had.

SYDNEY (CONT’D)

We should really clean a little.

SYDNEY (CONT’D)

Food’s already cold.

CARMY

I’ll warm that up for you. You eat; I’ll take care of this.

SYDNEY

How’s Claire? She doing okay?

CARMY

Yeah. I think so.

CARMY (CONT’D)

We’re not like, together anymore, but I think she’s doing alright.

SYDNEY

I didn’t know that. I’m sorry.

CARMY

Nah, don’t be, it happened ages ago.

SYDNEY

Well still, I’m sorry.

CARMY

It was for the better.

I think, sometimes—I don’t mean this specifically about Claire—but being around certain people can be draining. I mean, I love Richie and, in whatever messy way, I love my mom, but I need a break from them sometimes. I think it was the same way with Claire.

CARMY (CONT’D)

On top of that we moved in together, which was a bad idea. Because now I didn’t have an escape from her. I couldn’t spend a week away from her and then text her to make sure we were still good. She was there every day.

CARMY (CONT’D)

And on top of all that, I also had this thing where I couldn’t sleep. Or, like, I didn’t let myself sleep. Just pacing the house and, I dunno, all sorts of stuff that would keep her awake. Two people, not really sleeping, one because they can’t, one because they wouldn’t—bad combination.

SYDNEY

Why weren’t you sleeping?

CARMY

Just like, constant dreams. It’s like, I couldn’t shut my brain off.

SYDNEY

Nightmares?

CARMY

Yeah, I mean, no, not really. It was mostly just you.

SYDNEY

What?

CARMY

Yeah, I was dreaming about you mostly.

SYDNEY

I feel like I should be having nightmares about you.

CARMY

They weren’t nightmares.

CARMY (CONT’D)

You didn’t do anything bad. You were just there. Talking to someone or cooking something, or just, like existing. It was guilt maybe. Or I just missed you. Going to sleep and seeing you. Then waking up and not seeing you. It made me feel terrible.

I remember I once woke up and Claire was asking me ‘What about Sydney?’ I was apparently saying your name in my sleep. According to her it wasn’t even the first time.

Is this weird for you to listen to? No, sorry, I just realized, it definitely is.

SYDNEY

A little, yeah.

CARMY

No, its really fucking weird.

Claire tried to get me to see a psychotherapist at one point—a friend of hers. I know, patient-doctor confidentiality and all that, and she was probably great. I’m sure she wouldn’t have told Claire anything personal, but it still felt weird being honest. It also felt like I had to go because she did this favor for me and it would be ungrateful to like, push that away. It was, in the end, a lot of lying to my therapist, which didn’t help and made me feel even more awful.

Sorry, I didn’t mean to throw all that on you, what I’m trying to say is I felt really really bad about leaving.

SYDNEY

Yeah, I think I got that.

CARMY

I know it doesn’t make it even. Obviously. But you can take some pleasure in knowing that I did suffer for it.

CARMY (CONT’D)

You’re not saying anything. Say something.

SYDNEY

Carm. That makes me feel awful.

CARMY

I didn’t mean to make you feel awful.

SYDNEY

I didn’t want to like, fuck up your ability to sleep because of how guilty you felt.

CARMY

Yeah, but you didn’t do that. I did that. To myself.

CARMY (CONT’D)

I’m sorry. I didn’t tell you any of that to make you feel bad.

SYDNEY

I know.

CARMY

It wasn’t all guilt or regret or whatever. I just think about you a lot in general.

SYDNEY

Yeah, me too.

CARMY

How are you? Are you okay?

SYDNEY

Like, at this moment?

CARMY

Yeah.

SYDNEY

Confused. I feel like my minds everywhere right now and nowhere. I can’t form a single coherent thought.

CARMY

Water?

SYDNEY

Thanks.

CARMY

Anything I can do to help?

SYDNEY

Don’t leave.

CARMY

Okay.

SYDNEY

How are you feeling?

CARMY

A lot. Just like, every emotion all at once.

SYDNEY

Yeah…

CARMY

But I also feel like the sky’s finally cleared up. I feel like I understand myself for once.

CARMY (CONT’D)

I know what I feel.

I know what I want.

SYDNEY

What do you want?

CARMY

To see you more often. Outside of my head, I mean.

Can I see you more often?

SYDNEY

I don’t know…

CARMY

(basically begging)

Please?

SYDNEY

Kasama next Sunday?

CARMY

Okay.

SYDNEY

Oh, is that Nat?

CARMY

Probably.

You know Sophie knows my name now.

SYDNEY

I mean, yeah, you’re her uncle…

CARMY

Show me your hand.

SYDNEY

Okay…

CARMY

Gross, you should have replaced that already.

SYDNEY

I was going to—where did you get that?

SYDNEY (CONT’D)

You just have a whole first aid kit in there?

CARMY

Richie, go home.

SYDNEY

(under her breath)

I did not see him there.

RICHIE

Just waiting in case you change your mind.

CARMY

I called mom already.

RICHIE

Fine, fuck it, I’m leaving without your ass.

CARMY

Please do.

SYDNEY

What was that about?

CARMY

They’re getting together for Mikey’s birthday. Mom, Nat, Richie.

SYDNEY

Oh right, that’s today. I’m sorry you all had to come in on such short notice.

CARMY

Can’t say no if the entire White Sox team wants a private brunch. Mikey would never forgive me for that.

SYDNEY

No, he wouldn’t.

When was the last time you worked brunch?

CARMY

Fuck, I don’t even know.

SYDNEY

And on a Sunday at that.

CARMY

Trying new things.

SYDNEY

One time is enough, I think. Don’t need to ever try it again.

CARMY

Agreed.

SYDNEY

You’re really not going to their birthday thing?

CARMY

I considered it.

SYDNEY

And?

CARMY

I’m okay.

SYDNEY

I mean obviously you don’t have to. I just don’t want you to be alone thinking about him and stuff.

CARMY

Yeah, um….

CARMY (CONT’D)

Actually, I wanted to ask… would you come over?

SYDNEY

…Oh? Like to your—

CARMY

Yeah, just like, to have dinner.

SYDNEY

Yeah, sure. You want me to come right now?

CARMY

Whenever you want.

SYDNEY

Yeah, okay, I’ll follow you home then.

CARMY

Okay, yeah, good.

CARMY

Sun’s still up.

SYDNEY

Yeah, that’s new.

CARMY

Think the L will be packed?

SYDNEY

I don’t know, does rush hour count during Sundays?

CARMY

When was the last time you got on the L during rush hour.

SYDNEY

The last time I saw the sun on a working day.

CARMY

Few years?

SYDNEY

Something like that.

 

SYDNEY

Why isn’t there an elevator in this building.

CARMY

You can’t complain, the one in yours is barely functional. Every time I use it, I feel like it’s gonna stop working.

SYDNEY

It does work! It’s just a little worn.

CARMY

Yeah, it’s old as fuck.

SYDNEY

Means it survived that long. It’s endured.

CARMY

I’ve never seen anyone defend a shitty elevator with their life like that.

 

SYDNEY

Wow, this place doesn’t change.

CARMY

It’s perfect, why would I change it?

SYDNEY

Hm. Debatable.

 

CARMY

I can peel a whole garlic in less than a second thanks to you.

SYDNEY

Practice makes perfect. How long did I make you stage for again?

CARMY

A month.

SYDNEY

No way, it couldn’t have been more than two weeks.

CARMY

It was at least a month.

CARMY (CONT’D)

So, when’d you start doing the cake thing for your mom?

SYDNEY

I told you about that?

CARMY

Like twice.

SYDNEY

Um, I think when I turned seven. I remember after she died, we’d pretend it didn’t happen. We wouldn’t bring it up—like as a parent I guess you don’t wanna remind your five-year-old that she doesn’t have a mom anymore and will probably never have a mom. And then at some point I started asking questions, a lot of questions, and my dad realized it was better for him and for me to talk about her.

Why? Are you planning to get one?

CARMY

Already did. It’s in the fridge. It’s kind of small but enough for two people.

SYDNEY

Why is your fridge organized like that?

CARMY

What? I cleaned it.

SYDNEY

You just have a weird way of putting stuff in places.

CARMY

Feel free to reorganize it.

SYDNEY

No, its just interesting seeing the way you live.

CARMY

Are you making fun of me?

SYDNEY

No, I would never.

 

CARMY

By the way, I got a text the other day from someone that said they knew you.

SYDNEY

Huh? What was the text?

CARMY

‘I’m an acquaintance of Sydney’s. I was wondering if you would be willing to discuss something.’

SYDNEY

What the—how did she even get your number? Hold on, I’m blocking her from your phone. Don’t respond to any texts from her, don’t pick up any calls from her.

CARMY

Who is it?

SYDNEY

My niece. I’m telling Chantel immediately. She’s about to be in so much trouble…

CARMY

I think I’ve talked to her before.

SYDNEY

No you haven’t. When would you have talked to her?

CARMY

She called me. Using your phone. I picked up the phone thinking it was you but it was some kid. You think that was her?

SYDNEY

I need time to process this. What did she say?

CARMY

She asked if I work at The Bear.

SYDNEY

What did you say?

CARMY

I asked where you were. She said, ‘Wouldn’t you like to know.’ And then she hung up. I think she got bored.

You think kids think I’m boring? Sometimes I get the vibe that Sophie thinks I’m boring.

SYDNEY

She’s like three. Three-year-olds find everything boring.

CARMY

She doesn’t find Nat boring.

SYDNEY

How much time do you spend thinking about this.

CARMY

I just don’t want her to grow up and think I’m a loser.

SYDNEY

I’m pretty sure TJ thinks I’m a loser.

CARMY

I don’t think so. No one could think you’re a loser.

SYDNEY

You know what she told me the other day? She told me she wanted to be a chef.

CARMY

See, she wants to be like you. Invite her for a tour of the kitchen. We can find something easy for her to do for a day.

SYDNEY

I don’t think she’s serious. She wants to do five other things, and they change every month.

CARMY

She might be serious.

SYDNEY

Still, I want her to explore every other option before she chooses this one.

CARMY

Probably a good idea.

SYDNEY

When did you know you wanted to be a chef?

CARMY

When my brother took over the place. Though I didn’t even really know what it meant back then—to be a chef. I just wanted to be around him.

SYDNEY

Do you wanna do the cake now?

CARMY

Oh yeah. I’ll go get it.

CARMY

Good?

SYDNEY

Perfect.

(beat)

Hold out your hands on the table like this.

SYDNEY (CONT’D)

Uh, this is just how we do it.

CARMY

Y-yeah, okay.

SYDNEY

And then we just blow out the candle.

CARMY

For Mikey.

CARMY

It’s hard to look away.

SYDNEY

Yeah, there’s something so captivating about her, like, she put her whole heart into that performance.

CARMY

Fucked up story.

SYDNEY

No wonder I wasn’t allowed to watch it as a kid.

CARMY

What other plays did she do?

SYDNEY

I have her old copy of A Raisin in the Sun from highschool. Her first role ever was Bennie. She also played Masha in The Three Sisters, Gwendolen in The Importance of being Ernest, Berniece in The Piano Lesson, some other minor roles.

CARMY

Sounds like she lived an exciting life.

SYDNEY

Yeah, she was just that kind of person.

From what I know of her at least.

CARMY

Thanks for being here.

SYDNEY

Yeah, thanks for having me. It was fun.

CARMY

I don’t know what I’d do without you.

Like in life. I don’t know where I’d be—not anyplace good for sure.

SYDNEY

(quietly)

Me too.

CARMY

You know I love you, right?

SYDNEY

I know.

I love you too.

CARMY

I didn’t mean it like that.

SYDNEY

I didn’t think you meant it like that.

CARMY

No, I—Syd, I mean it in a serious way.

SYDNEY

What makes you think I’m not being serious.

CARMY

Sydney. I’m in love with you.

To the point where I feel like I’m losing my mind sometimes. All the time.

SYDNEY

(shakily)

Yeah, Carm, I know. I know what you meant.

CARMY

Okay, so what do I do about it?

SYDNEY

I have never seen you this on edge.

CARMY

I-I don’t… I don’t know what to do. Things are so so so so good right now and—I don’t trust myself to not fuck this up and—fuck I don’t…

SYDNEY

Can I kiss you right now?

CARMY

W-what? Yeah—

SYDNEY

Sorry, I didn’t know how else to make you shut up. You stressing out was making me stress out.

CARMY

Sorry.

Feel free to do it again if I start stressing you out.

SYDNEY

Too late. Already panicking.

CARMY

What are you panicking about?

SYDNEY

Just, like, everything that hasn’t happened yet. There are sooo many ways this can go wrong. I mean, the restaurant’s finally stable. I feel secure for once. I have people who I care about, who care about me. And I let them care about me, or at least I try to. I can’t remember the last time life has been so… easy. It scares me. I feel like I’m one wrong step and… losing you then was hard enough, if I lost you now… I-I don’t know how I’d survive that.

CARMY

I understand…it’s a no then.

If you think it’s better to stay how we are… I won’t bring this up again.

SYDNEY

What? No!?

SYDNEY (CONT’D)

It’s a I’m-terrified-but-I-still-want-this.

SYDNEY (CONT’D)

(voice shaking)

I have wanted this for so long. I need to believe this is a good thing and that this will work.

I need you to believe the same thing.

CARMY

I already do. You, in my life, has always been a good thing.

SYDNEY

Okay, so then what are we so worried about?

CARMY

Just the kind of people we are.