Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

April 2019

“Well, the place is looking pretty good for ‘abandoned’, I'd say!” Lila enthused, climbing the last few steps to the Academy door and yanking it open. She gestured dramatically. “Age before beauty, darling, chop chop.”

Five just rolled his eyes and shook his head with a wry twist of his lips.

“My money's still on Viktor,” he replied, stepping into the dusty foyer, glad he and Abigail had bullied Hargreeves into at least keeping the building up to code for the others' eventual reappearance.

“Absolutely wrong, and I will crow with glee when that is proven to you without a doubt, old man.” Lila paused in front of the big staircase, whirling around to face him. “In fact, you could even forget the money. When I win, all you have to do is say, in front of everyone, ‘Lila is right, as always, and I was wrong once again’.” She grinned. “That shouldn't be too hard for you, right?”

For a split second, Five entertained the idea of laughing right in her face. James had fully cured him of the need to always be right and have the last word. Otherwise he would have gone madder than he already was.

Then again, this was Lila and he was surprised at how much still hated the thought of losing to her.

“Oh, what the hell, Lila!” Diego appeared at the top of the stairs. Five honestly couldn't remember if that was his normal face or if he was royally pissed off.

“We've been here one day,” he groused, stomping down the stairs. “And you're already picking up random dudes to mess around with?!”

Diego stopped inches from Five's face and - very, very obviously - sized him up from head to toe. He sniffed derisively and looked at Lila.

“So. This the guy you were fucking before you came back?”

Five stared at Diego in disbelief. Lila grabbed his arm and pulled him back a few steps before he could even open his mouth to reply.

“Just, please let me have this before it all goes to shit,” she muttered.

The commotion had, of course, summoned everyone into the front hall. Well, everyone but Luther, of course. And Sloane, but she was probably grieving and not in the mood for the usual Hargreeves bullshit.

“Who the hell is this clown?” Ben demanded, the annoyance of being stuck with these people practically oozing out of his pores.

“Don't be an ass, Ben,” Viktor scolded, pushing past him and walking down the stairs towards the group.

Klaus gasped loudly and exclaimed to no one, “Holy shit. I was right! Totally turned out hot.”

Lila snapped her fingers and pointed at Klaus. Five wordlessly handed her a twenty.

“Hey there,” Viktor said warmly, sticking his hand out. “Don't mind them. I'm Viktor.”

“No, no, no - don't interrupt this. She needs to answer my question. Did you fuck him?” Diego’s eyes narrowed. “Is he the real father?”

“Shut the front door - Lila's got a little Kraken cooking?” Klaus gasped, looking like Christmas had come early.  Ben looked like he desperately needed some popcorn.

“Diego, I need you to really think about this. You think I got pregnant three months ago by this man. Who I found in this timeline,” Lila said slowly, like she was speaking to a small child.

“I mean, you did have your top off in my office earlier,” Five couldn't help interjecting.

“Holy shit.” Viktor stared at him. “Holy shit!”

“Thank you, Viktor! Finally someone taking this-” Diego was cut off as Viktor abruptly shoved him aside and threw his arms around Five.

“What the fuck happened to you?! I thought you were dead!”  He pulled back to stare at his brother’s older face.

“Honestly, I thought the same until Allison resurfaced a couple years ago.” Five shook his head ruefully. “She's still refusing my calls.”

"So you got here, what, a decade ago?" Ben asked.

"Fifteen years, yeah."

"Oh, this is perfect! Someone who knows what the fuck is up with this place and has money."

"He is definitely wearing some subtle designer digs, you are correct about that, Benarino.”

"Please stop calling me that."

"Also, are we just collectively ignoring that bit about Lila naked at his job?"

"I can definitely help out, but," Five glanced at his watch. "I am going to be late for the ha- an appointment if I stay here much longer." He unhooked his satchel from around his shoulder to dig through it. "Let me just give you guys my business card so we can set up a time to talk.”

"What the fuck is going on?!" Diego yelled, desperately.

The front door clicked open.

"Ok, so I was able to talk the guy into giving us this extra pizza for- Oh my god, Five?!"

The blood drained from the usually unflappable Number Five's face. He dropped his bag, the contents clattering across the floor. He looked like he'd seen a ghost.

Perhaps that's because, as far as he was concerned, he had.

Because the last time he had seen his brother, the man had been fading away into nothingness to the sound of Klaus’s apologies.

"You know,” Five said rather faintly. He cleared his throat and visibly pulled himself back together, turning to Lila, who, in her defense, did look a bit guilty that she hadn’t told him. “Had I known that Luther was an option, I would have gone with him.”

“Tough shit. I’m not giving you that money back.”

September 2004

Five Hargreeves, mentally fifty-eight, physically somewhere around thirteen, stumbled into this world on September 25, 2004, after the most stressful three weeks of his life.  Which was saying something, given the whole post-apocalyptic survivor/former-temporal assassin thing he had going on.

No, wait. Scratch that. This isn’t exactly a story about Five Hargreeves.

Quentin “Five” Fivre, who was about to be declared fourteen, sauntered up to a penthouse door on the morning of September 26, 2004, having dodged all five security personnel.  He left three hours, eight explosive arguments, two blackmail attempts (one successful), and seventy-three aborted patricides later.

Was it still considered patricide if the person in question was an alternate version of your adopted father, who pointedly didn’t adopt you in his native timeline, and didn’t even have children at all in the current one?

At any rate.

Five left the penthouse with identification papers, a very nicely padded bank account, a highly coveted acceptance letter from the local university, and lunch plans for next week with the surprisingly lovely Abigail Hargreeves, who seemed utterly enchanted by the idea of children and insisted on referring to herself as his step-mother.

Huh. Maybe that meant the word “patricide” was back on the table.

Chapter Text

April 2019

Diego had just carefully slid the jimmied window open when Lila caught up to him. She yanked the frame out of his hands, pushing it back down.

“What the hell do you think you're playing at, Diego?” she hissed.

“Me? You're the one who just interrupted my-”

“I’m sorry, I think you mean ’saved your sorry arse’,” Lila snapped. “Do you have any idea the shit storm you were about to bring upon yourself?”

“I can handle Five,” Diego scoffed.

“Really. You think your shitty off-brand caped crusader arse can handle a trained assassin,” she paused for effect. “When you don’t have any powers.”

“He doesn’t have any either, it’s a fair fight.”

“He hasn’t had any for fifteen years , Diego. He’s already used to it. And you do remember I said ‘trained assassin’, yeah? You'd be the fucking shit stain smeared across a pathetic manchild’s pants, just waiting to be cleaned up by mummy.”

Lila tried to drag him away from the house, but the stubborn fucker wouldn’t move. Because apparently nothing says “stealth” like a hushed argument outside a window.

“Since when are you on Team Five anyway?”

“I’m not on team anything except team drag your sorry ass back to the Academy so this kid has a fucking father.”

“You know, it’s real convenient how you just happened to run into Five. Just happened to recognize him.”

“Did you hit your head recently or have you always been this fucking dense.”

“You can’t fool me. You should know that - you're the one who recruited me.”

“I literally ‘recruited’ you by fooling you.”

“I know what’s going on. It’s Five’s baby isn’t it. You two probably planned this whole-” Lila slapped a hand over his mouth.

“I’m only going to ask this once and you best think long and hard before answering. Nod if you understand? Good boy. Now, are you seriously asking me if I was so physically attracted to your brother - who, may I remind you, looked thirteen years old at the time - that I ignored my fucking mission and instead had sex with him in 1963?”

Lila removed her hand and raised an eyebrow, waiting for his reply. Diego narrowed his eyes like it was a trick question.

“How the fuck did you find him, then?” he asked, sidestepping the issue completely.

“I found her, actually,” Five replied, leaning out the window, resting his arms casually against the window sill. “Opened exam room four and there she was.”

“Yeah, you should have been there - we laughed, we cried, we watched a fetus suplex my bladder.”

“Come to think of it, Diego,” Five continued seamlessly. “Why weren’t you there exactly?”

“That is an excellent question, Doctor. Why weren’t you there, Diego. The reminder is literally still written on your hand.”

Diego’s salvation arrived in the distant sound of the front door opening and shutting in the background, keys jangling.

“Hey asshole, you here?” a voice called out.

“Ah, that would be my cue.” Five slapped his hands on the windowsill and straightened up. “I would say it’s been a pleasure, but -”

“Oh, the feeling is totally mutual, love,” Lila replied. Five shot her a quick grin.

“Wonderful. Well, Lila, don’t forget to stop by tomorrow for those supplements and to schedule your next scan. Diego, if I ever catch you trying to break into my house again, I will surgically remove your penis and attach it to your forehead so everyone will know what an insufferable dickhead you are. Now, have a lovely rest of your evening and get the fuck off my property.” He slammed the window shut, clicking the locks into place.

“He’s definitely hiding something,” Diego muttered.

“I’m starting to think you actually belonged in that asylum,” Lila griped, finally dragging him out of the narrow side yard and onto the street.

Right before they turned the corner, Diego glanced back, just in time to see someone approaching the window where they had been.

He stopped dead in his tracks as an alive, laughing Eudora Patch closed the curtains.

Chapter Text

February 2009

Eudora Patch, almost 21, in her second semester after three gap years of bad decisions, had never actually been in a teacher’s office before.

She had always been a good, steady B student, mainly because she never bothered to study enough to hit A. But this was different. She had to maintain that impossibly high 4.0 average to keep her scholarship, to pay for school, to help her family out of the neverending financial crises that followed them around like a bad smell.

So here she was, six thirty-eight pm on a Friday night, waiting for the supposedly “super mean (but super hot)” Mr. Fivre to review her final paper. She kept waiting for one of his biting remarks from class, except more personal, focused on her mistakes, flaunting how smart he was and how much she didn’t belong here. Some delusional girl from the bad part of town acting like she could better herself, like some fucking drama cliche just waiting for the inspirational music to swell up.

Patch was also well aware that she may be projecting, just a tiny bit. Perhaps with a side of doom spiral.

Taking a deep breath to ground herself, she took a moment to observe Mr. Fivre while he quietly reviewed her paper, only the occasional sharp scratch of his pen breaking the silence.

“You're not nearly as scary as the rumors said,” she commented after a few minutes. He glanced up at her through his bangs with a smirk. At least he lived up to the “hot” part of the rumor, she thought. Way too skinny for her taste, but hey, a girl could appreciate some good bone structure now and again. And with those eyes? Damn.

“That’s because you're the only one in there with more than two brain cells to rub together,” he replied, his gaze returning to her paper.

“Hey! My boyfriend is in this class!”

“Really?” That seemed to give him pause. He looked up at her, brow furrowed. “Which one?”

“Marcus.” Blank stare. Zero recognition. “Marcus Allen? Always sits with me? On the soccer team?”

“Oof.” Mr. Fivre blanched. “No. Just... no. You can do better.” He looked back down and turned the page.

Patch groaned internally and crossed her arms. Not this shit again. She raised an eyebrow and leveled him with an unimpressed look.

“What, like you?”

“No!” The flustered man literally leapt out of his chair, looking panicked. “God, no! I’m your instructor, that is completely inappropriate. Wipe that entire thought process from your mind. Bury that shit in concrete if you need to.”

“Not gonna lie, Mr. Fivre, that reaction is a very pleasant surprise.” His eyes narrowed.

“If you give me names…”

“What, you'll bury them in concrete?” He looked like he was considering it, much to her amusement. Patch laughed. “Nah, it’s ok, I can handle it. Gonna have to anyway when I’m a cop, right?  It’s enough to know there are still good people out there. Restores a little faith in humanity.”

“Listen, Ms. Patch - you are a smart, strong, capable young woman.”

“Aren’t I literally older than you?”

“The world isn’t kind to people like you. Especially in law enforcement. They want sheep, not wolves. And you, Ms. Patch, are most definitely a wolf.”

Mr. Fivre sighed and placed a hand on her shoulder.

“Society is going to try and silence you. People like fucking Marcus Allen will try and silence you.”

He looked her dead in the eye.

“Don’t you dare let them.”

Patch hated that he was right.

She broke up with Marcus the next day.

Three weeks later, she received her final grades for the semester, and was able to breathe properly again.

Thirteen weeks later, fueled by rage from another casual “suggestion” from a professor who would rather talk to her tits than her face, she ambushed Mr. Fivre as he was locking up the office at the end of his open hours.

“About that offer to bury people in concrete…”

He held up a hand to stop her.

“For legal reasons, I have to assure you I never made any such offer.” He grinned. “Technically.”

“You old enough to drink yet?”

“Are you buying, Ms. Patch?”

“Fine, but only the first round,” she replied. “And it’s just ‘Patch’, Quentin.”

Five grimaced. “Please, just call me Five.”

“Whatever you say, ‘Q’,” she laughed.

Chapter Text

April 2019

Eudora Patch, freshly 30, mother, detective sergeant, done with this shit, pinched the bridge of her nose.

“Let me get this straight. Your family, who you have been literally searching the damn globe for, has finally reappeared, and the first thing you do is threaten to castrate your brother?”

“To be fair, the first thing I did was give Lila a sonogram and run some basic tests while she kept calling me a perverted old man.”

“Quentin.”

“Eudora,” Five countered in the same tone.

“Wait - Lila, as in the girlfriend-”

“Honestly, the phrase ‘erstwhile fuckbuddy’ is probably more accurate.”

“-of the brother you threatened to maim?”

“She was right there when I threatened said maiming, if that helps.”

“So, just to recap, your brother, who is in a completely new universe -”

“Timeline.  Wait… no, actually, you may be right, ‘universe’ might be… accounting for the Ichigoya princi-” Patch leveled him with a look . Five promptly shut his mouth.

“- and who has lost his superpowers, and who recently found out he is going to be a father, seems to be having a mental breakdown presenting as a desperate need to control whatever he can and grasping at straws for some form of purpose.  And this surprises you?”

“... ok, when you put it that way, I can see how I may have been a bit... hasty.”

Patch sighed and threw her arm around Five and dragged him, grumbling, into a side hug.

“I know this isn’t the easiest thing for you and your giant analytical brain, but try to be patient with them, ok? I know you, Q - you'll just end up regretting it otherwise.”

Five leaned his head on her shoulder and sighed.

“Cheer up, buttercup,” Patch said, patting his cheek.

“Please stop calling me weird shit.”

“Seriously - your brothers are back. This is good news! I can’t wait to meet them! Hold on, didn’t you say I dated one of them in the other universe?”

Five grimaced.

“Um. Yeah, about that…”

Eudora Patch was not amused.

Chapter Text

April 2019

The next morning when Lila arrived at the clinic, Five pulled her into his private office to mention Patch’s analysis of Diego's recent behavior.

“Ooh, yeah that makes sense. He was extra mutter-y, on the walk back, too. I think he saw something at yours when he looked back, but all I saw was you'd closed the curtains.” Lila laughed. “I figured you'd just held up a diagram of the cock-forehead attachment procedures you’d developed.”

She frowned, thoughtfully, staring into space for a moment.

“Hmm... 'forecock'? No, that just sounds like dick tip... Maybe something in Latin? Verpa is cock, right? What’s ‘head’?”

“Well, there are several options for-”

“Not even going to comment on me knowing cock and not head?”

“Never even crossed my mind to question it,” he replied honestly. “Caput, by the way.”

“What?”

“I think the word for ‘head' that would best suit your purposes - and more importantly, sense of humor - is caput.”

“Ha! You would be correct there, old man! The revolutionary Verpacaput procedure!”

“Christ, you’re not even going to attempt to conjugate it?” Five muttered.

“First performed in 2019 - it is 2019, right?”

“Yeah, you guys popped out the evening of April 12, 2019,” he confirmed.

“Can’t believe you managed to find - well, first, find a friend at all, what with all that... you going on - but a Diego whisperer to boot! I mean, what are the odds!”

Five grimaced.

“Um. Yeah, about that…”

Lila Pitts was definitely amused.

Chapter Text

April 2019

Five and Patch strolled along the familiar ground between their houses early the next morning.

“I know as well as you do that she's not exactly the easiest thing to tug along -”

“No, you misunderstand.  I don't trust them enough to do that.” He paused thoughtfully.  “Actually, no, I could probably trust Viktor and Luther working together in a controlled environment.”

“Oh, so somehow we’re the untrustworthy ones?” Diego said, stepping dramatically out from between two buildings and directly into the path of a little girl.  She had light brown skin, a braid of long jet black hair down her back, and big solemn green eyes that widened as she stared up at him in alarm.

Then several things happened at once.

The little girl, surprised by the man’s sudden appearance, screamed once in shock, started crying, lost her footing mid-skip, and started to fall.

Diego, who is an asshole but not that type of asshole, caught her before she hit the pavement and carefully set her upright.

And Eudora Patch’s world narrowed to her daughter screaming and crying and a strange man grabbing her.

Diego abruptly found himself on the business end of Patch’s service pistol.  There’s nothing quite like being held at gunpoint by the alternate version of your dead ex-girlfriend to shock you out of a spiral and back into reality.  He quickly moved to shield the girl, one hand on her shoulder to keep her safely behind him, one hand in the air to signal surrender.

Later - much, much later, Patch would remember this moment, how his first reaction to a gun pointed at him was to get her child to safety, and she would smile, a small, quiet, private thing.

But, that was much, much, much later.

“Let go of the girl and back the fuck up against that wall, asshole,” she growled, recentering her aim to the middle of his forehead.  Diego complied immediately.

“Dora,” Five said quietly, not wanting to escalate the situation further. “It’s ok, that’s my brother.”  Patch glanced at him for a split second before focusing back on Diego.  The gun didn’t move, but her fingers did at least, quietly clicking on the safety.

Five patted Patch on the shoulder before going around her and picking up the crying girl who held her arms up towards him pitifully.

“Well, that certainly was a surprise, wasn’t it,” he commented to the sniffling child burying her face in his neck.  “You did an excellent job, though, Miss James.”

She peeked one eye out. “Yeah?”  Five brushed a kiss on the top of her head.

“Oh, absolutely. What are you supposed to do if a stranger grabs you?”

“Scream...”

“And? What did you do?” Five suddenly tossed her in the air with an ease born from years of practice.

“Scream!” she squealed out midair amongst a burst of giggles.  Five caught her neatly and passed her seamlessly to Patch, who had holstered her weapon and stopped glaring at Diego long enough to approach. “I’ll deal with this,” he murmured to her. “He’s the one who’s -” 

“Logically, I understand that, but…” Patch sighed, holding her daughter close. She looked over at Diego’s guilty expression.  “That better not happen again.”

“No, ma’am, it will not,” a shamefaced Diego replied. 

Patch nodded once before abruptly flipping her daughter upside down and blowing a raspberry on her tummy.

The little girl shrieked, flailing wildly, tears and scares forgotten.  Patch chuckled and they continued down the street.

“Give me a call if she won't settle and I'll head over to help,” Five called.

"Yeah, yeah, just make sure you wash the blood off this time, Q."

"That was ONE TIME, Dora!” Five yelled back, shaking his head.

Diego stared after the retreating pair until they were out of sight.  He turned to Five, completely flabbergasted. “Is that - what - how - where the fuck did that kid come from?”  Five looked at him witheringly.

“My ex-wife's vagina, you moron. Where the fuck do you think?”

“Ex- wife ?!”

“Yes, ex-wife. There was this whole… thing, so we got married before the baby came. Almost murdered each other more than once just trying to cohabitate…” Five mused nostalgically.  He paused and looked at his brother sympathetically. Patch’s ‘ Diego whispering ’ had helped him see his brother in a new light. “It’s been fifteen years , Diego,” he added gently.

“I know, but…” Diego trailed off, sighing heavily as he looked away.

“Listen, I do remember who Patch was to you. Before,” Five said after a beat of silence.  Diego’s mouth snapped shut.  “Let me assure you that this was not intentional. I did not set out to do something to you personally.  We met in college and have been good friends since.  There has never been anything going on between us other than one very, very drunk evening that resulted in our daughter.”

“Yeah, I hear you. Just a drunken mistake.”  Five grabbed the front of Diego’s shirt.

“If I ever hear you refer to my daughter as a mistake again -”

“Relax, Cinco - I meant the sex, not the kid.”  Five released him and stepped back.  Diego smoothed out his shirt.  “She’s cute as fuck, man.  What’s her name?”

Five’s entire demeanor changed.  There was a soft smile on his face that Diego wouldn’t have thought he was physically capable of making.

“Jamie.  We call her ‘James’ half the time, though.”  

“How old?”

“Six.  God, she’ll already be seven in June somehow.” Five chuckled and ran a hand through his hair.  “It’s stupid, but I still keep trying to get in touch with Allison.  Thought it would be nice for Jamie to have an older cousin, an aunt, someone from my side of the family for once, you know?”

“Yeah, well.”  Diego gripped Five’s shoulder reassuringly. “We’re here now.  She’ll never be short on family again.”

Chapter Text

September 2011

September 29, 2011

Five stared at the date on his lock screen, pressing a button to keep it lit up every time it faded to black.

Every night after work , he went to that stupid park, sat on a bench, and waited.  Every day he came home with nothing.

It had now been seven years and five days of nothing.

He stood up from the bench and started walking home.

It was almost worse than his years in the apocalypse.  There, at least, he’d had Viktor’s book with that coveted three page full color spread in the middle.  Newly available in the mass market edition, as the back cover proclaimed. Photos of them - even of him - from back before everything.

He had nothing now. No photos.  No book. Not a single scrap of proof they ever existed outside his own mind.  Even if he’d somehow still had the book, it was the wrong Ben. And no Lila.

He’d done the math once, of course.  He’d spent a grand total of thirteen years, eight months, and five days with at least one of his siblings. Which amounted to a paltry nineteen percent of his entire lifetime. Lila was even worse - 0.08%.

So, he’d promised himself and made a deadline. One year for each of them - Diego, Allison, Klaus, Viktor, Ben, Sloane, Lila - and then he’d face facts.  He tried to ignore his self-imposed  deadline for five days, but it was time to accept reality.

Someone, something, somewhere had royally fucked up and he was the only one left.

Walking through the front door of his apartment - Viktor’s old apartment in a different life - Five tossed his phone on the couch so he wouldn’t have to watch the date flip over.  God, he needed a drink.

With a sigh, he walked into his bedroom to change.

“So don’t be mad.”

Five looked down and pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Patch, why are you a) in my apartment, b) drinking my liquor, and c) sprawled on the floor of my bedroom?”

“Excuse you, Mr…. Mr. Multiple Choice - I brought my own drinks.  I’m not a fucking… tequila taker.”

“That is quite obviously a bottle of strawberry-infused vodka,” he muttered, grabbing the bottle to take a swig before handing it back.  He plopped on the floor next to her, leaning back against the bed frame.

“I couldn’t think of a ‘V’ one,” Patch admitted.  Five rolled his eyes and reached under the corner of the mattress, pulling out the unopened bottle of whiskey wedged in the bed frame.

“What happened,” he asked, twisting the cap off and taking a generous swig.  Apparently he was playing catch up with her.

“Alex and I broke up.”

“Good riddance.  Alex was a total dick anyway.”

“Five, come on, let a girl wallow.”

“If you want a sympathetic ear about fucking Alex , you definitely came to the wrong place.” They silently swapped bottles.

“Yeah, well…”

They lapsed into a comfortable silence, both staring into space, making their way through both bottles, plus the second one in Patch’s bag, and starting in on the rum Five had tucked away in his closet.

“You should just stop dating,” Five said suddenly, the abrupt noise startling Patch so badly she fell over with a single snorted laugh.

“Sorry, O Wise One, but some of us actually have needs.”

“Ugh.” Five waved his hands like he was warding off her words.

“ Sexually ~” she added, waggling her eyebrows.

“Fuck off.”

“More like fuck on,” she snickered, almost knocking him over when she threw herself back upright with a bit too much enthusiasm and slammed into his shoulder.

“Besides, it’s not like I don’t get it. I have a fucking sex drive, Dora. I just have better things to do most of the time.”

“Ugh, we are too damn young and hot to be getting sad drunk on a, on a, a fucking Thursday .”

“…why does it being Thursday make it worse?”

“I don’t know! I don’t make the rules, Q!”

“Stop calling me Q, Dora.”

“Stop calling me Dora, Q,” she countered.  Five sighed.

“Y’know,” Fiv mused after a moment. “My life would be so much easier if I could just flip a switch or or or take a pill - ok, maybe not take a pill, no need to go full Viktor here - but just… change who I am so I could relax, totally relax for once, y’know?”

“What’s a full Viktor?”

“Because! Because! Then I wouldn’t have to worry! I could just float around like everyone else all chronologically . Maybe - maybe I’d meet a woman and settle down, kids and a dog and those stupid white fences that offer ZERO protection, by the way - so fucking useless...” Five shook his head, taking another drink.

“Yeah, that sounds nice.”

“Hell, maybe this idealized, new improved version of me would be perfect for you! Might as well kill two popes with one shot, right?”

“…We should try!” Patch gasped and looked at him like she had just had a vision of the promised land, eyes shiny and full of hope.

“Killing the pope?” Five’s brain was increasingly fuzzy, but he was fairly sure she was still a cop.

“I mean, we gotta make sure, right? You see it on TV and stuff all the time… people who didn’t realize they were in love until it was too late!”

“Yeah, I don’t think you should use K-dramas as the standards of a good relationship, Dora.”

“Don’t pretend you didn’t love Secret Garden .”

“No, I just really liked that one song.”

“Then why did you tear up when-”

“It was just a really good song, ok?” Patch shoved him and he fell over onto his side.

“So what if - especially since you’re an emotionally repressed workaholic -”

“You’re not wrong, but it sounds so mean. Why ya gotta be mean , Dora?” Five grumbled, attempting to right himself, flailing like a flipped turtle in the process.

“We just don’t know we’re in love!” Patch declared poking him in the chest with a triumphant finger, knocking him back onto the floor.

Five looked at her finger then back up to her face.  He used the side of the bed to hoist himself back upright. 

“…Not gonna lie - you lost me when you wanted to kill the pope.”

“I think we should have sex.”

“Oh…” he sat very still for a minute before abruptly shrugging and taking another swig. “Sure.  But I don’t have any condoms.”

“I’m on the pill - it’s fine.”

It was not fine.