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Chapter Text

Sometimes, Milluki goes through his own baby pictures. There’s an album for each of their family's children, put together according to the vision and words and wants of Kikyo Zoldyck, but by the hands of butlers. Killua’s baby album is regularly looked at by Mom when she’s feeling especially nostalgic or doting, but the others sit on a shelf and collect dust. 

Or they would, if Milluki didn't look at them.

Milluki sees himself as a baby, a toddler, a would-be grade-schooler. (Would-be, because no child of the Zoldyck family does something so public and so plebeian as to go to an actual school. No, they receive the best education possible while staying at home.)

For every year that they still bothered to document him, he is well-dressed in colorful and well-coordinated outfits. His parents feed him oddly-colored baby food and hold him with gentle fondness and coach him through his first steps, and one page notes his first words. 

Interestingly, Illumi sometimes appears in these pictures, also feeding or holding or walking with Milluki. As Milluki grows in the photos, they are shown playing or training together. 

Milluki doesn’t remember his elder brother ever doing such a thing. Most likely, playing with his much-younger brother was just a way for Illumi to get more attention and praise, for being a model eldest sibling. That, or their parents forced him to do it.

Even if Illumi didn't spend time with him willingly, Milluki finds their past uncomfortable to think about — he himself certainly never played with his younger brothers as the photos show Illumi doing. At least, not willingly. Milluki has only ever suffered the company of his younger siblings by force.

At 17 years old, Milluki Zoldyck does not like his younger siblings. 

He remembers the time before they came — before Killua was conceived and born — fondly. Milluki would have nothing but warm nostalgia for those years of gentle love and support, if it hadn’t all been ripped away by his little brothers and left those times tainted with such bitterness. 

Before his younger siblings were born, Milluki was the favorite child. 

He thinks so, at least. He remembers the differences in how his parents treated him and Illumi — the constant affection and permissiveness Milluki received was a stark contrast to the harsh expectations and demands his elder brother faced. 

Illumi spent plenty of time with Mom and Dad, sure, but never more often than Milluki. The younger of the two Zoldyck brothers was always with his parents if they weren't busy. Time with Illumi was rationed, always in search of a purpose, while they played with Milluki simply for the sake of it. 

Illumi had to train whenever he was with their parents, while Milluki would be seated on his parents’ laps or beside them on a cushion, allowed to play with his toys or read comics. That must have meant Milluki had more potential, more favor, more to look forward to. He would be the next head of the Zoldyck family, and Illumi would do the grunt work.

Milluki’s parents gave him everything he wanted, really. Toys, games, food, attention, even breaks from training. They never did the same for Illumi. Wasn’t that a sign of favoritism?

(Or maybe they trained Illumi and not Milluki because they never expected anything of their second son. Because Illumi was the heir, back then, while Milluki was just the backup. Milluki wonders about that, now that he’s older.) 

Things were better when Milluki was little. He’d been doted on, but moreover, he felt like he understood his place in the family. Milluki was the youngest child, so of course everyone had to care for him. Of course he got whatever he wanted. Of course he was loved. 

Everyone loved him, back then. It was like that for a long time, it was just Milluki and Illumi and their parents and grandparents. 

Then, Milluki got three younger siblings in three years.

(Closer to four, technically. Four years of Mom always either being pregnant or fussing over a newborn, either being on bed rest and not allowed to see the sons she already had or being irritable and tired and snappish when she spent time with him.) 

Suddenly, nothing was the same. Milluki didn’t get any of the attention he used to, and even if he was still given the toys and games and food, it was given to him by butlers. Not by his parents, who he suddenly barely saw. Even his training was largely ignored — when Milluki practiced being an assassin, it was with Grandpa Zeno, not Dad or Mom or even Illumi.

Dad still met with Illumi, trained with him. He did the same with Killua, as soon as he was old enough to walk and talk. But suddenly, Dad didn’t want to see Milluki, ever. Mom had nothing but harsh words for him. Grandpa…had always been critical, in fairness, but suddenly he was around a lot more to be critical. Because none of the other adults in the Zoldyck family wanted to see Milluki, leaving him with the sour old coot.

…Okay, fine, former patriarch. Milluki sometimes is afraid to insult his family’s elders even in his own thoughts.

Milluki stopped showing up for his training one day. He’d thought…he’s not sure. That his parents would be angry, maybe, and make him go back to training. They’d do so either by force or, in his wildest fantasies, by begging him to try again, offering kind words and apologies. 

Instead, nothing happened. No one even seemed to care. Milluki wondered if maybe he hadn’t been meant to train that day, had gotten things mixed up. Or maybe everyone had been busy. Or maybe while he’d been in the library someone had come to his room to get him, and he’d missed them.

Milluki comforted himself with those lies, and decided that someone would surely come get him tomorrow. Then, tomorrow. Tomorrow. Tomorrow. Tomorrow. 

Three weeks went by like that. Milluki had stayed in his room on his computer all day, yelling at butlers to bring him snacks when he got hungry, then yelling just…because. Because someone was bound to hear him yell, to come see him, to drag him back to practice and train him. Right?

No one did. 

Several times, Milluki went back to training willingly. First, he’d just gone to the dojo, half-expecting Grandpa Zeno to be waiting there for him. He wasn’t, so Milluki searched for his grandfather. And found him. And got yelled at worse than ever before, because on top of being so inherently unskilled, already so inferior compared to his brothers, Milluki was also now out of practice.

Grandpa Zeno had said that Milluki had less potential than his siblings, so he’d have to work harder to close the gap. Milluki had stormed out.

The first time Milluki made himself go back to training, he quit in a tenth of the time it took him to convince himself to put the effort in. Twenty days of waiting, two days to give up. As the years went by, the stretches of time it took for Milluki to want to train again grew longer, and the hours he could bear Grandpa Zeno’s critiques (insults) before storming out grew shorter.

Eventually, Milluki stopped trying to physically train altogether. Why bother, when he could do so much from the comfort of his room?

Instead, he focused on what he was good on. And Milluki was good with technology. Learning shortcuts on his computer led to learning how to code. Learning how to code led to learning some circuitwork, because obviously he should know software and hardware. Circuitwork led to more advanced, more extensive, more…just more engineering in general. Eventually Milluki even started metalworking and smithing, to make and shape parts he needed but couldn’t easily find in the Zoldyck estate or online.

Still, over the years of Milluki working and improving and diversifying his skillset, no one noticed his creations. And when he went out of his way to show them off, people still didn't care . His achievements paled in comparison to what his siblings achieved at the same age or younger. No matter how good Milluki was, Killua or Illumi was better. 

Part of Milluki had wanted to quit when he realized that. To give up on making nice things or helping with household security or even performing remote assassinations. If the family didn’t care about his business, why should he care about theirs? But Milluki — who had rage quit or given up on a thousand other things, on games and programs and training — couldn’t bring himself to stop helping his family. To give up on them. 

Instead, Milluki looked for distractions. Things to let him ignore how little his family thought of his actual work, things he could do just to keep his mind busy. In between all the technology he worked with for the Zoldyck family’s sake, Milluki stared at television screens and book pages for his own enjoyment. 

Video games are the most fun, since there’s both a physical and intellectual component; whether it’s a dating sim or a first-person shooter, whether there’s a story to follow or action to keep up with, Milluki stays engaged all the while. Television is easy, mindless, a nice noise in the background or sight to see with characters to keep him comforting. Books are a middle ground, taking up some but not all of Milluki’s attention. Multitasking while he reads is easier if the text includes pictures, Milluki finds. And so, even if he’s forced to read coding textbooks or tech moguls’ biographies for work, he reads manga for fun.

Milluki read a little of everything at first, romance and fantasy and slice of life and sci-fi and action and horror and every combination of genres. But over time, he learned to curate. To stick with things that are easy and which make him happy, not angry. 

(There’s too many things that make Milluki angry already. Noise, attention, lack thereof, too much or too little mess, and always, always, when he doesn’t get what he wants. Milluki hates the bitter taste of disappointment more than anything else, and he finds that no amount of sticky sweets or salty snacks or fizzy drinks ever quite drowns it out.)

(Milluki is used to the taste of disappointment, but he still never stops trying to get it out of his mouth.)

Milluki remembers picking some domestic manga, a cute Shoujo girl-next-door story about one sister in a house with one too many kids. The fictional family is happy, but constantly struggling to get by. It’s completely foreign to him and therefore very refreshing. 

Love isn't like a cup of sugar to be used up, says the fictional mother. There’s enough of it to go around. Parents will always love their children.

Milluki binned the manga out of frustration. He didn’t know why he even tried some stupid, sickeningly sweet, slice of life kind of story. It’s completely foreign to him. He’s a Zoldyck, an assassin, a genius. He’s meant for bigger, better, more serious things than that. 

(Milluki tries to believe that.) 

From then on, Milluki read manga meant for teenage boys, either horror and action stuff, or the kind that features a lot of pretty girls with not a lot of clothing. They were mindless and fun and nothing like his life.

And besides, it was easier to interact with and to like those fictional characters than any of the real people he knew. 

Killua is a spoiled brat, and Milluki’s other little siblings aren’t much better. Illumi is stiff and mechanical and lacks Milluki’s creativity, his innovation, his initiative. His parents and grandparents are boring, and now their expectations for Milluki are just too high — that’s why he can never seem to please them. The butlers are annoying, intrusive and incompetent and only good for venting anger at, or for the menial tasks Milluki himself can’t be bothered to deal with. The only person who can actually care for Milluki is himself.

Milluki starts to like being alone, after a while. Or at least, that’s what he tells himself.

League of Raiders

Welcome Bot: Welcome, HatsuneMillu! ✨ We're thrilled you joined League of Raiders Help Server! Check out the #rules channel and introduce yourself in #general.

… 

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#general

HatsuneMillu: why do we need a guild server? can't we just message online?

SailorMercuryPoisoning: This way people can communicate when they’re offline or get advice during solo missions.

HatsuneMillu: sounds fucking stupid 

TricksWabbit: careful man shes a mod shell ban you 

SailorMercuryPoisoning: I only use the banhammer for good, not evil.

SailorMercuryPoisoning: But yes, please watch the language and be nice to the server.

HatsuneMillu: well that's just lame

Chapter Text

“Killua, meet your new big brother, Milluki.”

That’s wrong, Milluki wants to say. He’s seen it on TV — you’re supposed to introduce other people to the baby, because babies are small and stupid and don’t know what’s going on. Not introduce the baby to people it won’t remember. 

But Milluki can’t bring himself to say anything. Dad was disappointed in him not too long ago, because of…because Milluki was weak. And Mom has been cranky for a long time — because of the baby, everyone says. Because she was pregnant and hormonal. 

Hopefully that will end now that the baby has been born. Milluki thinks about asking Mom, to be sure. But Milluki’s parents look very happy right now, and he doesn’t want to make them mad. So Milluki remains silent. 

But that doesn’t seem to be what Milluki’s parents wanted from him either. They look away from Milluki, ignoring him and focusing on their new baby instead. 

“He looks just like you, dear,” Mom smiles, her lips chapped and bitten but upturned in an oddly gentle smile. 

“It might not last,” Dad sighs. “Milluki’s eyes and hair started out lighter, but they got darker after a few months.” 

“Well, either way, our Killua is perfect,” Mom sniffs, happier than she’s been in a long while. 

“He will be,” Dad nods. 

“And if not, we can always try again.” 

Milluki ducks out of the room. He can tell he doesn’t belong here.

Milluki usually has his room to himself all the time. No one comes in except for butlers, and they only come when bringing snacks he demanded over phone or intercom. Most days, Milluki doesn’t even look at the butlers, and therefore doesn’t have to see a single real person. Everything is limited to his television or his computer or his comics. 

This changes one day. 

It starts normally enough. Milluki wakes up late, a consequence of having stayed up until 2am staring at his computer screen. He spends the early afternoon playing a game he’d received by mail-order last week, then calls for breakfast (though the hour is lunch) — eggs and bacon and sausage and waffles. It’s brought by a butler in their usual purple uniform.

Milluki doesn’t bother looking at their face or saying thank you, because why would he? Zoldycks are above that. No child of the Zoldyck family shows deference, or even respect, to anyone but the family heads. 

(Killua doesn’t even respect Mom or Illumi.) 

Milluki moves from his desk to his couch to watch television. He doesn’t have anything he particularly wants to watch, so he idly channel surfs while playing on a handheld game console. After making it through two episodes of a newly discovered sitcom, Milluki decides he needs popcorn and sets his game aside. 

He gets up from his couch to grab the phone and yell at a butler to bring him a snack. He then resumes the show, letting the noise wash over him. Finally, someone knocks, and he gets up and snatches the chips and candy first (he’d gotten more ideas for snacks while he was on the phone asking), tucking the bags under his arm so he can hold the bucket of popcorn in one hand and a slice of pie in the other. Once the food is in his hands, he slams the door shut using his foot.

Only to turn back to his TV and see someone else sitting there. In the maybe thirty seconds it took for Milluki to open the door and take his snacks, Alluka snuck into his room and sat down directly in front of the TV. As in, on the carpet, mere inches away from the television, face seemingly literally glued to the screen where Milluki has only ever done so metaphorically. 

Milluki considers shouting. Alluka isn’t like Killua, who’s the heir, or Kalluto, who’s mom’s current favorite as the new baby of the family, or Illumi, who’s the eldest. No one cares about Alluka, meaning he’s the one younger sibling Milluki won’t get in trouble for hurting.

(Not that anyone would particularly care if Milluki hurt one of the others, because Milluki would be the one doing it and no one ever cares what he does.)

(Except that they would. His family can always find fault in him when he screws up. They never praise him when he does right, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t pay when he does wrong. Worse, his family never seems to think much of it. He doesn’t get punished with intent like Killua does, with the expectation he’ll learn and the hope he won’t repeat the offense. Milluki is simply made to pay for his shortcomings.)

But the other side of the coin that is Alluka being the least-cared-about Zoldyck child is that Milluki doesn’t need to be jealous — no, wait, he’s not jealous of his other siblings. That’d be stupid. Alluka just…doesn’t annoy Milluki by distracting everyone and demanding attention. That’s what it is.

Alluka had the shortest tenure of all of them to be Mom’s precious baby and (momentary) favorite child. Dad had never cared much about Alluka at all, staying focused on Killua and to a lesser extent Illumi even after Kalluto was born. (The children with the most potential, or at least that’s what Grandpa Zeno says.) Milluki feels like Alluka’s period of favoritism barely even happened.

So, Milluki doesn’t jump straight to shouting. Instead, he sits down on the couch and starts eating, takes a moment to confirm that no, he cannot see the TV with Alluka’s giant toddler head in the way.

“What’re you doing there?” Milluki asks around a mouthful of popcorn. 

“Watching,” Alluka says, with a creepily intent expression. 

“Watching the ads?” Milluki asks. He’d waited until an ad break to call a butler for snacks, after all, and for another one to actually get up for them.

“Watching the colors,” Alluka says. “They’re bright.” 

Well, that’s just unnecessarily weird. Milluki does find it interesting, though, so he doesn’t kick Alluka out. Instead, he smiles meanly, and picks up a DVD from the side table. One he’s been meaning to watch for a while, a horror movie where a girl’s beloved toy gains sentience and starts murdering her friends and family. It got great reviews in the papers and online, so Milluki had taken note of it and ordered a copy.

“Wanna watch something with some action? It’ll have a lot more bright colors than some stuffy sitcom,” Milluki grins. He was, in fact, enjoying that sitcom, but it’s entertaining enough to watch on his own. The movie he’s now got in hand, however, is supposed to be the goriest, most nightmarish horror film he owns. And Milluki’s movie collection is extensive.

He picks it hoping to…watch his sibling squirm, maybe. He’s not sure. But either Alluka will be scared off and Milluki will have his room back, or Alluka’s squeamish reactions will add to the film’s entertainment value.

(It’s not because Milluki is scared to watch the movie alone. He’s not . He has and will have seen worse as a Zoldyck family assassin, after all.) 

Milluki really did expect Alluka, being a toddler, to hate the movie. To be scared of it, like you’re supposed to. Instead, Alluka seems to love it, squealing at every instance of the terrifying porcelain doll committing a murder.

Milluki wonders, for a moment, if Alluka started training much younger than him, and has already finished a job as an assassin. Familiarity with real-life blood and gore and murder would explain the total lack of terror from seeing it onscreen.

“The doll is so cool,” Alluka giggles. “I wish I had a friend like Bella.”

Or maybe not. Maybe Alluka’s just too young and his brain too small to process what’s happening in the movie. That would explain him giving the homicidal fictional doll a fond nickname. 

Either way, it completely sands down the film’s sharp edges — hard to be scared when a toddler is laughing in front of you. And in that sense, Alluka’s reactions, the laughter and smiles and creepy comments, are entertaining in and of themselves.

(For once, Milluki ignores it when his sibling steals some of his snacks. Sharing a bit of popcorn doesn’t feel like such an offense right now.) 

Maybe Alluka is a Zoldyck after all.

Assassination is the Zoldyck family business. It’s how they make their money, how they became so famous and powerful and important. But Milluki doesn’t understand at first what assassination really means. 

Milluki first takes a life with his own two hands when he is four years old. 

He and Dad go on a mission together — though really it’s Dad taking Milluki along after already sorting out the target research and travel and stuff, so that Milluki can see how it works and start to practice. Dad brings them to the correct city and country (and it almost feels like a normal father-son bonding trip), Dad sets everything up, Dad even brings Milluki to the target while the man is alone. The actual assassination is what Milluki is meant to do on his own. 

Milluki quickly discovers that he hates fighting people. He hates the noise, the smell, the feeling of blood on his hands.

Dad takes it oddly well, when Milluki explains that. He smiles gently and says that Milluki will get used to it once he grows up a little.

But Milluki never does get used to the feeling of it. The aftermath of taking a life is easy, because Milluki himself has never needed to grieve: no one close to Milluki has ever died. (And as long as he doesn't get to know people outside of the family, he won't lose anyone. His family are too strong.) But Milluki still hates how it makes him feel in the moment — he hates watching the flesh tear and blood spread and light go out of someone's eyes.

(Milluki’s distaste for up-close work doesn’t fade, either. Not at any point as he grows up, as he grows isolated and angry and cruel, as he is held at a distance and starts becoming more desperate than ever to do something, anything, right.) 

He still fulfills his duty as a Zoldyck, still carries out assassinations, but he does so from a far away. He never has to feel the blood stain his hands, never has to see the light go out of someone’s eyes. Everything, from the orders to the kill to the payment, is done from behind Milluki’s computer.

It’s like a video game. Like any first-person shooter Milluki has played. 

It becomes easy to ignore the reality of what he’s doing when he thinks of it like that. It becomes easier to pretend Milluki hasn’t started to enjoy the violence, just as much as it makes him sick.

No, Milluki does not get used to assassinations, does not grow numb to it. It simply changes from something unpleasant to something cathartic. And Milluki wonders what it says about him, that it’s so satisfying to take his anger out on someone else.

One day, Dad and Mom and Illumi and even Grandpa Zeno are all fixated on Killua, on some new step in his training. As such, it falls to Milluki to deal with a trespasser — not even an intruder,  just a tourist loitering outside the Testing Gate. Taking photos, which is the real problem. The Zoldycks have to maintain an air of mystique, after all.

But it’s an insult that Milluki, the second son of the family, has to deal with such a nuisance. That’s what butlers are for!

At least since Milluki's younger siblings will witness the tourist's death, they’ll all have to deal with the kids' tears about the blood once the man is dead. (Milluki had cried about it at their age and older, after all.) 

No one asked Milluki to bring Alluka and Kalluto with him. Rather, when Dad ordered Milluki to go deal with the intruder, he’d made a caustic remark about how they really should have gotten the kids involved in the family business much younger. About how delaying too long and spoiling them made them fat and lazy.

Milluki isn’t an idiot. He knows that was an insult directed at him. But if Dad is so insistent that the Zoldyck children get used to killing at a young age, Milluki is happy to help out. And if it turns out that means making a mess and showing his youngest siblings something awful, well, whoops. Milluki didn’t mean to. Malicious compliance, one of his online friends sources called it.

The timing had been too perfect. When Dad offered his insults and sent Milluki to deal with a chore meant for butlers, Milluki had been playing with Kalluto and Alluka. Well...he'd been retrieving a collectible that Alluka stole from his room, at first, but then he'd gotten sidetracked and ended up hanging around in the playroom for a while. It had been him with his figurines, his little siblings with their dolls, and a lone butler who was supposed to be watching the little kids. But she eagerly scrams when it’s Milluki telling her to leave, after Dad does.

He doesn't want anyone watching him, the disgraced and hated son who's fallen so far. He doesn't want to be judged.

Then, Milluki’s eyes had drifted to Alluka. Alluka’s been the latest source of frustration and distraction for their parents, balancing out their constant joy and focus on Killua. Apparently Alluka murdered a few butlers. Fairly standard practice in their family, but it was done with some kind of creepy power or technique their parents didn’t recognize. That was less than standard. Now, everyone’s wary of him, but no one actually seemed to be watching Alluka. Kalluto, either.

Surely it wouldn’t hurt to play a little prank.

Alluka goes with Milluki easily. He’s all excited just to have someone to play with — and the fact Milluki is wearing a pink shirt, Alluka’s favorite color, helps further. Kalluto, even younger, is easily enticed to come along with a promise of playtime outside. Milluki might even follow through on it; Alluka has been an entertaining toddler, so maybe Kalluto will be the same.

Muna, the tourist, is predictably pathetic and annoying. The tourist didn't even come to Kukuroo Mountain out of an interest in the Zoldycks; he's a wildlife photographer. He takes pictures of the mushrooms and trees on the mountain, not the fortress belonging to an ages-old family of assassins. 

He's an idiot. And annoying. And just weird, to be so fascinated by something so mundane. Milluki doesn’t feel very bothered by the idea of Muna dying.

When Milluki asks Alluka to kill the tourist for him, he expects…he’s not sure what he expects. A toddler’s absurd attempt to fell a grown man by tripping him, maybe. Instead, Alluka does much wilder, but funnier, things — asking Muna the tourist to eat poisonous mushrooms or pick him up. 

And well…Milluki does know what everyone has been whispering. That it’s dangerous to refuse Alluka. And if Milluki’s younger sibling has actually managed to kill butlers while throwing a fit, that might be partially true. But Milluki is family. His siblings can’t hurt him — they all learn that lesson young, to not attack family.

When Muna’s head explodes and his body is wrung out like a dish towel after telling Alluka a simple “no” four times, Milluki realizes that they meant it. The butlers’ fear, his parents’ frustration, it was all very real and for very good reason. Alluka is dangerous.

At first, Milluki is spitting with envy. 

As if Illumi the precious firstborn and Killua the precious heir weren’t enough, now his parents have Alluka and some freakish power to obsess over. Alluka is strong , capable in a way their family will respect where they ignore Milluki’s intelligence. As if there wasn’t barely any attention left for Milluki already, now that Mom had Kalluto to fuss over and treat like a baby. 

And at first, it happens exactly as Milluki expected — suddenly Alluka gets so much more focus. Alluka stays in their parents’ rooms, rather than in the kids’ play area. Always in either Mom or Dad’s company, always kept close and watched by parents instead of butlers. It’s exactly how Milluki was treated when he was little, before Killua was born.

But over time, it becomes apparent, even to Milluki, that it’s not quite the same. That although their parents are keeping a close eye on Alluka, they seem more wary than proud. Alluka is less of a precious talent and more of a ticking time bomb, the way the rest of the Zoldyck family treats him. People avoid Alluka whenever possible.

Good, Milluki tells himself. Let someone else see how it feels to be him. 

For a while, it seems like Alluka really, truly, is just like Milluki. Getting mad at butlers over the smallest things (because why else would Alluka kill them?) since Mom and Dad don’t see most of the staff as people, and won’t mind the kids venting anger at them. Spending increasingly more and more time immersed in fiction, with toys and movies and anime (sometimes even the same shows Milluki likes) because the real world is so dull. Ignored by their parents for having less “potential” than their other siblings, despite having a unique and powerful gift. 

(Admittedly, whatever voodoo Alluka works — Milluki heard Grandpa Zeno call it “Nen” once or twice — is not really comparable to Milluki’s tech skills. Other people could learn to do what Milluki does pretty easily. But Milluki remains by far the most tech-savvy person in the Zoldyck family, having carved out his own little niche. And he’s not imagining the similarities in how he and Alluka are both underestimated and undervalued by their family despite their talents.) 

But then construction is finished in the basement — on what Milluki would call a prison cell before he'd call it a bedroom, and he'd call it a bank vault before he would call it a prison cell. That underground vault is decorated with the wallpaper and furniture and toys that used to fill Alluka’s nursery, and then the second-youngest child of the Zoldyck family is locked up deep below the mountain.

Milluki locks himself in his room sometimes. But the isolation, the confinement, was more comfortable for him — it had always been by choice. He never realized his family might someday…not make it his choice.

Milluki tries harder than ever to prove he’s a dutiful son, a capable assassin, a useful asset. Ideally, he’d be the heir, the next head of the family — that’s truly the safest option. He’d be indispensable then. But until that happens, he can at least make sure he’s useful. 

He won’t be locked up or forgotten. Milluki’s family will notice and appreciate him.

They have to. 

Maybe it’s just because Milluki has gone through this before, but the second baby born after him doesn’t seem to demand as much attention as the first one did. 

Alluka doesn’t seem to cry, or fuss much. Compared to Killua, Alluka is almost eerily silent. Not unresponsive — the baby’s bright eyes track everything, and there is snuffling and giggling and still some crying at times. But there are moments where the baby closes his eyes and gets eerily quiet. Once, Milluki swears those blue eyes become beady and dark and stare at him with malice.

Maybe it’s because Alluka is quiet, but Mom doesn’t pay him much mind. Where Killua had constantly been doted on as a newborn, Mom’s attention tends to be split between Killua and Alluka now. 

Milluki hears Mom crying once — it doesn’t sound like happy tears, the kind she sheds over Killua, either. She’s not even looking at Alluka when it happens; the baby was left lying alone in the crib. 

Alluka isn’t exactly an ugly baby, Milluki thinks, when he looks at his new younger sibling. But it’ll only take so long before Alluka becomes a nuisance, just like Killua.

(It’s terrifying, not just annoying, when Milluki is proven wrong in this particular instance. Alluka doesn’t have much chance to be a nuisance, because Alluka isn’t present in their family at all. Alluka gets locked in the basement, and no one dares to even talk about it. Because as it turns out, the Zoldyck children — perhaps save for Killua — are disposable.) 

(Milluki needs to make himself indispensable. That’s the only way.) 

Chapter Text

“Spoiling Milluki only ruined him,” Milluki hears Mom saying. “We’ll need to be a bit stricter with this one.” 

“But not too harsh,” Dad says, nodding along. “Illumi didn’t handle the pressure of it well, when we trained him so intensely so young.” 

“We’ll get it right this time,” Mom smiles. “With our precious Killua.” 

Milluki doesn’t know what’s worse. To hear his parents say that he’s already ruined, already a failure…or to know that they said that for him to hear. That they as Zoldycks must have been aware of his presence, and said that anyway. 

Milluki wants to quit, at first. If his family doesn’t care about his efforts, if they think Milluki is worthless, why should he even try?

But Milluki quickly finds the isolation miserable. He hates being ignored, hates living with the knowledge his parents don’t care. And so, he does everything in his power to make them pay attention to him, to make them care again.

Setting up secure phonelines for the family and wiretaps on their targets. Calculating locations for and establishing security cameras all over the vast estate on Kukuroo Mountain. Creating an upgraded version of the headset that Mother wears, giving her more utility and the power to monitor the estate’s cameras full time. 

None of it ever sees much acknowledgment. Certainly, no one ever says ‘thank you.’

Milluki tries harder, begins demanding attention instead of just trying to earn it. Surely, surely if he’s clear enough about what he wants, they will give it to him, as they did when Milluki was young. 

The tides changed when Killua was born and Milluki was cast aside. But surely, they can change again. Surely Milluki can once again find peace and contentment within the Zoldyck family.

Because if not, why has he been trying so hard for them?

Milluki generally stays in his room — he can work, eat and sleep there without much disturbance or trouble. He leaves occasionally, to let butlers clean up or to spend time with Grandpa Zeno, but never for long. 

Milluki stays out of sight, and out of mind. He still shouts, shows off his accomplishments and demands acknowledgment for them within the realm of reason, of course; he doesn’t want his family to forget he exists. On the contrary, he makes sure to remind them how useful he is, how good of an assassin and dutiful of a child he can be.

But Milluki tries not to demand attention so much as acknowledgement. He doesn’t show off meaningless things, only real accomplishments, and even then he doesn’t usually bother Mom and Dad directly. Milluki tries going to Grandpa Zeno first, instead, so he can gauge how the rest of his family might react to his work. (Grandparents are supposed to be more permissive and patient than parents, even if the Zoldyck family has to be strict due to their profession). Milluki only ever approaches his family when he’s done something that he thinks merits recognition. He rarely gets it regardless. 

Sometimes, rarely, people come to him. Milluki gets dragged out of his room, by his parents or grandparents, every few weeks or months — but never for his own sake. They don’t want him for him. They always, only, ever want Milluki so that he can be a sparring partner for his younger brothers. 

Worse, when this happens, Milluki loses. He loses to Kalluto most of the time, and Killua all of it. 

“I think you’ve actually gotten weaker, Big Brother,” Killua snarks after their latest spar. Then, he dodges Milluki’s pathetic swipe at him with ease. “Missed me! Nyah,” Killua taunts, sticking his tongue out and pulling a face. 

Only partly because of that, Killua is starting to get on Milluki’s nerves more than ever before. It’s not just the fact that Milluki is constantly told how much better than him the younger brother he never asked for is, nor having it proven whenever Killua beats him. It’s not even Killua’s skill, which has earned him so much praise from their family that they declared Killua the next head of the family at all of five . It’s the fact that Killua doesn’t even care about it, neither the praise nor his natural blessings nor the fact the whole family will someday be handed to him.

Milluki would kill to have what’s fallen into Killua’s lap. Milluki has killed for it, countless times, in countless ways. 

And he’s always trying to do things differently, to show how clever, how capable, how innovative he is. How Milluki also deserves the esteem and praise of his family. 

None of it ever amounts to anything. 

When Milluki successfully completes a job, well, that’s just what’s expected of him, and why does he expect praise for it? When Milluki improves cybersecurity all throughout the Zoldyck family property, well, isn’t that ultimately just to his own benefit? When he builds a new, upgraded headset for Mom, well, isn’t that the bare minimum expected of him as a son?

Killua does none of these things, yet still receives leagues more praise. 

Killua, who scoffs at Illumi’s concern and training offers and mere presence. Killua, who runs away from Mom or pretends not to notice when she’s watching him. Killua, who treats Kalluto like a nuisance. Killua, who hasn’t even spared Alluka a thought since she was locked up. Killua, who doesn’t even try to get close to the rest of their family.

Killua, who has everything Milluki wants and appreciates none of it. Why does it even matter that Killua is so talented and strong, if he’s unwilling to reciprocate the efforts their family puts into training him? If he doesn’t intend to do anything with that strength?

Worse, Killua knows it — that the family doesn’t care how badly he behaves, because he’s talented. Killua gloats about it. He smirks, every time he catches Milluki glaring at him, and offers taunts and insults in return. But if Milluki gets mad that his little brother called him a ‘lazy pig,’ well, suddenly he’s the unreasonable one, and he needs to learn to regulate his emotions better. Suddenly Killua isn’t the stronger brother, but the younger one, and therefore his bad behavior must be forgiven by his elders.

No one ever does jack shit to reprimand Killua, no matter how many tantrums the brat throws. Not wanting to train, not wanting to work, not wanting to be around them — as though it isn’t a goddamn gift to have the whole family so freely offer him their time and affection — Killua gets away with all of it.

(People might whisper that Milluki, who gets to perform his kills remotely and spends all day shut up in his room playing games or watching television, is being spoiled. But Milluki’s family refuses to give him the only things he actually wants .)

( Killua is the spoiled one, who receives all that their family can offer.)

Hard work is not rewarded in the Zoldyck family, Milluki comes to realize. Not if your efforts can’t compensate for the inherent gap in skill between you and whoever’s above you. No one cares about which of them is a hard worker or a smart worker, so long as Killua is able to beat Milluki in a fight. It doesn’t even matter that Killua’s got such a bad attitude about it.

Still, Milluki comes whenever he is called upon. He does whatever he is asked. And he doesn’t do anything more than whine a little when no one appreciates him for it, when his parents demean and belittle him or his brothers outright insult him. 

Milluki yells about it, of course. He’s not exactly a calm or patient person. Sometimes he hits back, if it’s Killua or Kalluto (a less frequent offender) that bothers him. But he doesn’t cross the line. He doesn’t deliberately screw up a mission, or overstep his bounds in his quest for recognition.

But everyone has their limits. After a while, there’s too many reasons for Milluki to do something his parents don’t want him to. 

Milluki is angry. No one appreciates him, rewards him for a job well done, even if they’re also slower to punish him for his fits of rage and disrespect. And when Milluki tries to use family funds to get a new computer delivered to the house, he is denied. It’s a security risk, it’s a waste, Milluki does his job fine with the equipment he already has.

Fine, then, Milluki thinks. There are other ways he can get that new computer.

Milluki knows the codes to get into Alluka’s room. How could he not? Most of the digital security of the Zoldyck household, and a not insignificant portion of the general electronics, were made under his supervision if not by him alone.

(In that sense, at least, Milluki is still needed. He’s still useful to the family. And they know that, even if Dad and Mom and Grandpa Zeno never acknowledge it. Right?) 

So, the fact that no Zoldyck is stupid enough to write down a password and leave the note lying around very much does not prevent Milluki from knowing the codes to get into Alluka’s room.

Or, well. The codes to open the giant bank-vault level security doors that block egress from Alluka’s room.

(Milluki thinks they’re probably also to avoid people going in, to stop greedy butlers from accessing Alluka’s true power like that first one did. Better they not get any ideas. But the main purpose of those steel doors is undeniably to keep Alluka in, not to keep others out. There wouldn’t be doors at all if no one was meant to be able to see her.)

Milluki waits until every other Zoldyck is either off the property, or heavily distracted (aka Mom and Illumi are training Killua and therefore have no attention to spare for anything else).

Milluki triple checks that no one is presently reviewing the house’s camera feed in the security room — he plans to be caught, but afterwards, not in the act. He needs no one to be watching right now. 

Milluki puts on a pink, frilly shirt that Alluka used to love, whining that he wanted one just like it. Milluki had been wearing this shirt the day he first saw Alluka’s powers in action, come to think of it.

Then, Milluki goes down to the deepest floors of the Zoldyck estate, where Alluka dwells.

He’s forced to take the stairs, since there’s no elevator. This is bad, because it is many many floors deep and exhausting to go down, meaning that going up will be even worse, and also good, because the physical exertion serves as a distraction. Milluki can focus on his breathing and the pain in his legs as he tries not to think about how far down he actually is. How many tons of stone would drop on his head if the ceiling gave out and the mountain caved in. Though he might not be terribly far down in terms of altitude — the Zoldyck family estate is on top of a mountain — it feels claustrophobic, and more to the point, there is no escape.

Milluki has those thoughts in mind when he reaches the first door. His hands shake slightly as he types in the codes, and it’s not purely from physical exhaustion.

He’s no longer sure why he’s doing this. He’s definitely not sure it’s worth it. And yet, despite feeling less sure of those things as he makes his way through the hall, he’s only more convinced of one thing — that he can’t turn back.

His hands are steady when the last door opens in front of him, and he barely startles as it slams shut behind him.

The room is dark, all lights off, meaning that the pastel colors and bright patterns Alluka adores are muted somewhat. But to a Zoldyck’s sharp eyes, poor lighting makes little difference, and Milluki adapts quickly enough. He looks around for his younger sibling.

For a moment, Milluki doesn’t even see Alluka, and he’s struck with the horrifying vision of having to tell Dad that their family’s loose cannon has escaped. A Zoldyck is absolutely willing to shoot the messenger if the messenger carries a threat, and Silva is no exception. As the patriarch of the family, he might even decide to make an example of Milluki, to show how failure is punished. (To have someone to blame.) 

Then, Milluki takes note of something breathing ever-so-lightly in the corner. He turns to see an absolutely massive pile of stuffed animals and dolls — his collectibles and figurines look quite mature in comparison to that. 

And sitting among the toys, eyes just as glassy and dead, is Alluka Zoldyck. 

“Alluka,” Milluki says, the name coming out more harshly than he intended. “Get up.”

Alluka doesn’t. Not at first. So then Milluki hits the lights, bringing the room back into sugary-sweet pastel tones and making Alluka’s eyes focus. They’re no longer glassy and dark like Illumi’s often get, but instead the same icy blue as Dad’s. 

Milluki tries not to resent that. It’s a stupid thing to be jealous of. 

“Millu-nii?” Alluka asks plaintively, in a high-pitched voice. 

Milluki forces himself not to scoff at the nickname. Instead, he forces a smile. “That’s right, Alluka. It’s me, your Big Brother.”

Here, Milluki hesitates. He’s not sure what to do now — should he just tell Alluka to start making demands so he can get a wish? Or should he try to be gentle? Alluka is the least annoying of all Milluki’s brothers (though perhaps just because he sees Alluka less than Killua or Illumi or Kalluto). And if Milluki spends a little time with Alluka, he’ll probably make demands anyway. But what happens if someone notices Milluki is gone? 

…Well, actually, no one ever comes to see him except butlers, and even that’s only if he calls them. Let’s be realistic. What happens if someone checks the cameras on Alluka’s room and notices that she’s got company? 

Milluki doesn’t manage to finish that thought, because Alluka gasps loudly, cutting off his mental train of thought. 

“You came to visit me? That’s so sweet,” Alluka giggles to himself, and Milluki frowns. Is Alluka really this stupid? 

“Am I your favorite sister, then?” Alluka asks, and Milluki is stopped short. 

Alluka is a boy. The Zoldyck family has five sons, Kalluto getting dolled up in girls’ clothes by Mom notwithstanding. But Alluka is calling him…herself? Milluki’s sister. 

Milluki’s first assumption is that maybe Alluka has just gone crazy. It’s been over three years since she was locked down here, all alone — it wouldn’t be very surprising. 

But Milluki remembers. He remembers Killua always insisting that Alluka was a girl, which Milluki had assumed at the time was some sort of prank or joke or demand for yet more attention. He remembers Alluka’s hair being worn very, very long as a child, something generally frowned upon in the Zoldyck family because long hair was a weakness in combat, especially if you were unskilled. He remembers Alluka adoring pink and frills and dolls, which at the time Milluki had brushed off as a matter of taste, since he sometimes likes those things himself. He remembers Alluka calling…herself, Milluki decides, by gender-neutral pronouns even as a much younger kid.

And then there’s the clothes. Alluka is wearing a pink dress right now. Milluki does remember Alluka wearing more androgynous clothes before being locked down here, but…but it seems like everything in this basement room is tailored to Alluka’s tastes. It’s whatever Alluka wanted, whatever she asked for, because people had been scared of her demands. So then…that means she wanted to dress like this. In a way Kalluto maybe didn’t, since he’s usually wearing Mom’s hand-me-downs.

Or maybe Milluki should ask Kalluto about his gender, too?

…Nah.

“You’re my only sister,” Milluki finally manages to make himself say. The smile on his face feels strained, and forced, and just plain unnatural. Milluki doesn’t smile often, after all. But he needs to talk to Alluka, to get a computer from her and perhaps spit in his parents’ faces in the process.

(Albeit in a way that avoids all face-to-face confrontation. Milluki is still scared of the Zoldycks, after all, despite being one himself.)

(He’s still a Zoldyck. He is. He does his duty as an assassin, even if he mostly does it from home. He’s no coward. Being afraid of Mom and Dad and Grandpa and often Illumi is simply common sense.) 

Alluka stares at Milluki for a long time, long enough that Milluki grows uncomfortable with the silence. He’s usually only around other people if he or they have something to say. 

“I am,” Alluka finally says. “We’re family, right?”

That might be another sign Alluka really is crazy, which could make things better or worse for Milluki. Ultimately, he decides the best thing is to answer. 

“We are.”

“Then play with me, Milluki!” Alluka demands, and Milluki grins. That took long enough.

“Sure, sure,” Milluki says. “What do you want to play?”

The answer is Shiritori. Milluki deliberately loses, in case Alluka will only count the demand as fulfilled if she’s happy. And in Milluki’s experience, a game only ends with you feeling happy if you win. 

“Milluki, will you play video games with me too?”

“Of course, of course,” Milluki says, and he’s not lying. He even manages not to show his envy that Alluka has as nice of a system and nearly as many games as he does. 

They play Mario Kart. Milluki forgets about his plan to let Alluka win until he’s taken a shortcut again on his second lap and is leading by too much to lose even if he tries. 

Thankfully, it doesn’t matter — Alluka isn’t angry or even discontent. He- she just giggles about how Milluki is so talented and cool, which he tries not to let go to his head. Instead, he makes a point to smile as nicely as he knows how and ruffles Alluka’s hair.

“You’re not so bad yourself.” 

Is Milluki imagining it, or do Alluka’s eyes get a little misty at that?

“Thank you, Millu-nii.” she smiles, her eyes squeezing shut as she does.

What next? Milluki wonders if it won’t be something to do with television or the many toys scattered around Alluka’s room — how embarrassing, that his tastes are so similar to that of an adolescent girl. They like the same games, the same movies…privately, to himself, Milluki can admit that his collection of figurines and Alluka’s mountain of toys look pretty similar. 

“Milluki? Will you give me a hug?” Alluka asks.

“Sure,” Milluki says, and although it’s not a lie it feels stranger to say than his last two easy acquiescences.

Hugging Alluka really feels weird. It’s been so, so long since Milluki was held gently, instead of in a chokehold of some kind during a sparring match. He doesn’t think anyone has hugged him since he was like eight. And it’s uncomfortably tight, in some ways — Alluka clings like Milluki is going to disappear.

And he is, he realizes, as Alluka’s eyes go dark, signalling that a wish has been earned and is available. 

“Alluka, can you get me a computer? The newest model available?” 

The computer appears — on the floor, thankfully, Milluki was ready to have to grab the console out of midair. He picks it up, excited; he’s gotten what he wanted, in a method guaranteed to earn the attention of his family when they find out. 

Milluki’s excitement fades when he turns around to see Alluka sitting on the floor.

“You’re leaving?” Alluka asks, her voice shaky.

“Obviously,” Milluki scoffs. “I’m not supposed to be down here at all.” 

“Then why are you?” Alluka asks, eyes boring into him. “Just for that computer?” 

Milluki looks away. No, Milluki doesn’t think this was just about the computer itself. But he doesn’t know what else it was, let alone how to explain what he was feeling. What this became, in the time since that door opened.

Milluki doesn’t know what to say, and so, he leaves. He starts to open the door, his eyes on the screen while his body blocks the actual code from sight. But Alluka doesn’t try to leave. She just keeps staring at him, even as the doors close, and Milluki returns her gaze.

For whatever reason, Milluki feels like he owes it to Alluka to at least look her in the eyes. 

“Don’t go,” Alluka whispers. It’s not a request.

The steel doors slam shut between them.

Milluki then makes the hike up many, many flights of stairs weighed down by a new computer. He’s huffing and puffing too badly to think about Alluka at all, even after he’s back in the main house and in his bedroom and setting up the new console.

Predictably, during the hours Milluki spent in the basement, no one had even noticed he was gone.

Dad is furious, when two days later he comes to Milluki’s room. (For the first time…maybe ever.) He doesn’t like being disobeyed, and Milluki ultimately did so for a very petty reason. But at the same time, there is perhaps a bit of respect for Milluki’s rebellion. This time, Dad doesn’t demand information or services when they speak — he offers Milluki a deal. 

A deal. An exchange. An equal trade between two adults of the Zoldyck household, or at least Millui thinks so. Said deal does not excuse Milluki from the consequences for disobeying family law, but it does lessen Milluki’s punishment. He explains the situation, what he had wanted and done, and Father listens quietly but intently.

The deal feels like a good thing when Milluki makes it, even if he feels cheated after the fact.

League of Raiders

#personal

HatsuneMillu: what the fuck is transgender 

SailorMercuryPoisoning: Well, the short answer is when someone’s assigned gender at birth doesn’t align with their identity.  

HatsuneMillu: I knew that part 

SailorMercuryPoisoning: The long answer is a little more complicated. 

SailorMercuryPoisoning: Hang on, I’ll find some articles. 

SailorMercuryPoisoning: Also, please watch the profanity. 

Making a deal with Father doesn’t get Milluki out of trouble. It doesn’t feel like it got him anything at all. 

Having his punishment lessened does not feel like it is worth all that much when his family remains brutal about it — Milluki’s rebellion did not earn him any respect. Neither the exchange Milluki made with Alluka nor his deal with Dad feels like it was worth it. What he gained may have included a computer and some of Dad’s respect, but it also included a multitude of hateful words, cuts, and bruises, as well as a few days of starvation. Oh, and everyone’s contempt.

(Save for Killua, who either doesn’t know Milluki was being punished or else couldn’t be bothered to gloat, much less take part.)

Milluki resents Alluka for what happened at first. He only got yelled at and beaten because he visited her. But ultimately, Milluki looks at that computer — out of date within the year — and thinks about his younger sister.

More powerful, arguably more useful and gifted, than all of them, even Killua.

But alone and ignored and unknown, to the point where their parents either haven’t learned that Alluka is trangender or can’t be bothered to care. 

(Milluki knows that word thanks to one of his guild members from a MMO game he plays. She did livestreams sometimes, so Milluki got to watch first her change — first her clothes, then her hair, then her voice — in real time over a few years.)

Alluka is…useful, Milluki tells himself. That’s why he’s done this, why he bothered reaching out to her despite the risks. She’s a valuable asset, and he will learn to control her where their parents failed to. That’s as good a reason as he can come up with.

And when Milluki visits Alluka again, he’s learned better. He learns to hack the cameras in Alluka’s room, the tunnel, the stairs, and the hallway with the entrance to it all. He wipes away any sign he left his room, and loops the feed for the times he’d otherwise be visible. 

Dad never finds out. No one does. No one knows but Milluki and Alluka.

Milluki is never sure what, exactly, constitutes a friend. 

He doesn’t have people who will break into the estate of the Zoldyck Family of Assassins, demanding to see him at any cost, like Killua.

He doesn’t have people he shares an allegiance and tattoo with, like Kalluto. 

He doesn’t have people he can see in-person, sharing a drink and commiserating and enjoying a sparring match not for blood but for the thrill of it, like Illumi. 

He has more friends than Alluka, at least. 

What Milluki does have are online friends. Friends and allies and guildmates and streamers he’s a top donor to. People whom he feels like he knows, from whom he can ask advice and hear about their mundane, fascinating lives. 

But people lie online. People lie everywhere, of course, but with far less consequences when through a screen. Most of them are confident they’ll never be caught — Milluki, who has cyberbullied just to feel smug about it and has run phishing scams not out of financial necessity but for kicks, knows that oftentimes it’s true you get away with bad things online. 

Still, he could probably find out. What the names and addresses and jobs of the people he interacts with online are in real life.

Instead, he lets them stay nothing but a username, an avatar and perhaps a profile picture. 

He doesn’t want to know if his online friends are lying to him. And he doesn’t care if they’re real. They’re all he has, after all. Isn’t it better not to destroy what trust remains?

Chapter Text

Milluki can’t pretend he didn’t choose to punish Killua on his own. And it wasn’t for running away, or for cutting Mom, or even because he stabbed Milluki on the way out. Milluki just wants to hurt Killua, because no one else does. Not in a way that sticks. Because Killua knows, and can take comfort in knowing, that their family will forgive him for whatever he does.

Killua will never face the hardship that Milluki does — that is what Milluki thinks even as he inflicts physical pain as bad as or worse than anything he himself has experienced. Milluki realizes this, after he clears his head a little. 

Grandpa Zeno scolds Milluki for being so hard on Killua, when they leave the dungeon. Reminds Milluki that he’s not fit to be the head of the family, and that Killua will be whether he wants it or not. 

Zeno even offers some praise along with his admonishment, as though to entice Milluki into listening. As though it isn’t only a patronizing and blatant attempt at flattery and manipulation. As though Milluki doesn’t already know that he’s bright, or won’t resent being called foolish. 

Grandpa Zeno is wasting his time and breath, anyway. Milluki already feels bad for whipping Killua — because Killua had just sat there and taken it. 

He didn’t cry, or whine, or beg for mercy, even though Milluki did exactly that whenever he was in Killua’s shoes. Killua didn’t even sass Milluki, not for the first few hours. Just gritted his teeth and sucked it up and let it happen, as though it didn’t bother him. 

Or, more accurately, as though the pain was familiar to him. 

Killua…didn’t deserve that, Milluki thinks once he’s back in his room. At the very least, it wasn’t fair payback for what Killua has done directly to Milluki. But because Milluki realizes the harm that’s been done to Killua, he also understands that there’s nothing he can do to make up for what he inflicted.

Milluki never forgot a single time he was beaten. He doubts Killua does either.

As a result, it’s a relief that Killua leaves Kukuroo Mountain within the hour. Milluki doesn’t have to think further about his little brother, not until he comes back and maybe not even then. Milluki can just…ignore the fact that he was allowed to hurt Killua. That he did. 

And that maybe, just maybe, Killua didn’t steal any of Milluki’s affection. Maybe their family is just sick of Milluki. 

To say that getting a call from Killua is shocking would be the biggest understatement humanly possible. 

Milluki is not on good terms with his siblings in general, but he knows he’s been especially vicious to Killua, especially lately. Both before Killua went to take the Hunter Exam, and after he came home having failed it (Killua failed , Milluki thinks smugly), they had fought. Milluki wishes he could say Killua started it, but that’s not entirely true. It’s just…so infuriating, that his little brother has everything Milluki wants and appreciates none of it. 

(Incredible skill in combat. Their parents’ favor. That nebulous “potential” that somehow makes him qualified to be the head of the family, because apparently talent not only compensates for but surpasses effort and drive. Et cetera.)

And so, it is a surprise that Killua willingly reaches out to Milluki. Even knowing it’s mostly out of necessity, since Killua needs help from someone tech-savvy and trustworthy — and at least for the former, within the Zoldyck family, the buck stops with Milluki — Milluki can’t believe Killua is reaching out to him. Asking him for help.

Killua offers plenty of insults because he can, then threats to keep Milluki on the line. But there’s also an understanding, and…Milluki hopes and fears in equal measure there’s some respect for his skill. 

And besides, honestly? Once he knew why Killua was calling, the specific information his little brother sought, Milluki would have suffered any number of indignities for a shred more information. Every second on the line was valuable. 

Milluki loves games, and coding, for a reason. It’s a puzzle to be solved, a story with an end or a problem he can solve or a pattern he can learn. When he figures it out, when he unlocks a secret ending or when his program finally is debugged and runs as it should, it feels wonderful. It assures Milluki of his intelligence. 

Milluki has always loved games, but Greed Island is something else altogether. Something so immersive, so rare, so universally praised yet totally unknown…it’s a puzzle just to find it, much less play through and win. So yes, Milluki is tempted. Enough so that he accepts information he more or less had to access just as part of the work as his repayment and reward. 

(It’s not because Milluki feels guilty that he was that vicious to Killua last time he was home, while Killua just sat and took it. He doesn’t feel bad, because Kil absolutely had it coming after he stabbed Milluki. Killua said so himself. He deserved to be hurt in retaliation, so Milluki doesn’t need to feel guilty. Killua has always hurt him first, after all, even if sometimes just by virtue of his existence.)

Ultimately, their conversation ends with a deal, and not any kind of affection. 

(The mutual respect contained in making a deal at all is more than Milluki usually gets from their family. Usually, his help is demanded and taken without so much as a thanks. It feels odd that Killua offers any kind of reward, especially for an interesting and fun task. But Milluki doesn’t want to think about this, and so he pretends being offered a deal means nothing to him.)

With both of them getting something out of this deal, things are easier to process. Milluki doesn’t need to worry or feel guilt or shame, only be offended when Killua thinks Milluki would be dumb enough to share crucial, secretive information over a phone call. Killua, infuriating brat that he is, underestimates Milluki’s intelligence even as he relies on it. 

But Milluki has always let go of his anger quickly — his fury burns bright and hot, but never for long — and today there’s even more incentive to do so. Killua’s got part of a game that Milluki never managed to play, and that stokes his curiosity. Why does Killua have any interest in Greed Island? Where did he even get a save file?

Killua is clearly hunting for Greed Island, Hunter’s license or no. But why? To rub it in Milluki’s face when Killua gets a rare game Milluki doesn’t have? For the sake of one of Kil’s silly new friends? Just out of curiosity?

Not that it matters. Milluki isn’t sure why he’s so desperate to have Greed Island, just because his whiny little brother practically taunted him with it. Certainly, he shouldn’t care so much about a rare game as to let it drive him to leave Kukuroo Mountain after so many years as a shut-in. 

Is it because of Killua, or those friends he led back to the Zoldyck family? Is it because of the save file, a taunting mystery Milluki with all his smarts can’t quite seem to unravel? Is it jealousy, or longing, or boredom, or the temptation of a difficult challenge?

It is all of those things, Milluki admits to himself as he starts packing. He really, really wants this, not for any one reason but for many. And, unrelated to why Milluki is so determined to get a copy of Greed Island…

…Maybe Milluki will see Killua in Yorknew.

When Kalluto is born, it’s the last baby. They all know it — Mom’s pregnancy was extra hard on her this time, so although she’s not too old to get pregnant she won’t be able to safely deliver again. Besides, the Zoldycks already have an heir in Killua, and therefore no need for more children.

Perhaps that is what makes Mom cling to Kalluto a bit more tightly than she did the rest of them — because she knows this is her last baby. Perhaps that is why Dad and Grandpa (who usually hates Kikyo Zoldyck) don’t try to stop her clinginess.

Whatever, Milluki thinks. It’ll end soon enough — Mom lost interest in Milluki before he reached adolescence and Alluka when she was still a toddler. Killua only kept her attention and affection for so long because he’s Killua.

But instead Kalluto is kept close to Mom, dressed up and styled and doted on, even as he gets older and older. Three, five, eight, ten years old, and Kalluto is still by Mom’s side.

Mom doesn’t dote on Kalluto quite the same way she does Killua. It’s less…explicit, less direct, less personal. Kalluto isn’t constantly praised and hugged and cooed over the way that Killua is, for his skill and looks and kindness and cruelty. But even if Kalluto gets less attention and affection, what he does get is constant.

Kalluto is constantly allowed to be with Mom, never being yelled at or scolded or sent away like Milluki is. Kalluto isn’t annoying, he isn’t wasting Mom’s time, he isn’t a burden or a waste of space or a lazy fool.

Kalluto is dressed up in traditional clothing, the feminine kind, so he looks like a younger version of Mom. Mom relies on Kalluto, keeping him close and setting him to whatever work she needs done and crying on his shoulder when she’s upset.

For a while, when attention cycled between the family’s three newest children, when the new successor was still a little bit in question, Milluki had spent a lot of time with Kalluto and Alluka both. The latter more than the former, but…not anymore. 

Kalluto is always with Mom, and Mom never wants to see Milluki. And so, as Mom gets clingier with and more dependent on Kalluto, Milluki sees his youngest sibling less and less. 

(Come to think of it, Mom only started clinging to Kalluto once he was old enough to talk. And that was around the time when…well. It was around the time Alluka first…was gone.)

Part of Milluki knows that it’s unpleasant, to have to manage Mom’s moods when you never know what will cause her to melt down or cheer up. But a much bigger part of him is jealous, yet again, that one of his younger siblings is so obviously favored over him. At least when it happened with Killua, it was for a clear reason — Kalluto doesn’t have any kind of incredible skill or potential to make Mom dote on him so much. Mom just wanted someone close, and her last child was the one she ended up keeping by her side.

If she just wanted someone to stay close, why didn’t she choose Milluki?

Thankfully, Milluki has already learned from Killua that nothing good will come of his jealousy. He can’t change his parents nor himself, not enough to make them stop doting on his younger siblings nor to make them stop disregarding Milluki.

Instead, Milluki simply avoids the sight of Kalluto, and therefore the feeling of jealousy. He tells himself it’s just because Kalluto is young, and it’s nothing to do with Milluki nor Kalluto personally.

Milluki even thinks he might be right about that.

“Was that Big Brother on the phone?” Kalluto asks as Milluki is packing. 

“It was Killua, yeah,” Milluki says, disinterested. Is it worth packing games for the trip? He’s going to Yorknew’s auction to buy a game, but he really needs some kind of distraction for the trip there. What about snacks? Should he tell a butler to bring some? Crap, he’ll need a pilot too, doing it himself will mean staying awake the whole time…. 

“Where are you going?” Kalluto asks. 

“Yorknew City,” Milluki replies. “I’m buying a game at one of their auctions.” 

“A game?” 

“Yes, a game.” 

“That’s what’s got you to finally leave the house?”

Milluki stops short. “Who told you?”

“You did, Millu-nii,” Kalluto sighs. Ugh, Milluki forgot that Kalluto had also picked up Alluka’s embarrassing nickname for him. “Everyone heard you shouting at the butlers to prepare an airship for you.”

So people can hear Milluki when he shouts. He was never sure, since he’s usually ignored. He thought that maybe sound didn’t carry well from his room.

“Well, are you really?” Kalluto presses. “You’re seriously just leaving because of a video game, and not Big Brother?”

“I don’t care enough about Kil to chase him halfway across the world,” Milluki scoffs. He wonders if that was a lie. “What, did you wanna tag along?” 

Milluki isn’t actually sure whether he’d want to take Kalluto with him. Kalluto isn’t very annoying, but that’s partly because Milluki doesn’t spend enough time around Kalluto to get annoyed by the sight of him. Besides, Milluki probably doesn’t have the patience to spare for another younger sibling so soon after Killua wore it down.

(Later, Milluki will regret that he didn’t spend more time with his youngest sibling before they left.)

“...no, I suppose not.” Kalluto replies. “Goodbye, Milluki. Have a safe trip. Don’t embarrass the family while you’re gone.”

Milluki thinks very little of that conversation when it happens. He thinks a lot more of it when he returns home, bereft of Greed Island but full of bitterness, to learn that Kalluto has left Kukuroo Mountain. Not temporarily for a mission, but indefinitely to join the Phantom Troupe.

Dad has allowed it, or at least not explicitly forbade it, which is weird enough. But Mom is having a complete and total meltdown about how all of her decent children are leaving her, and all Milluki can think is why?

Kalluto’s position is oddly secure for what he is — the fifth child, barely in possession of cognizance when their parents had already decided Killua would be the next head of the family. Kalluto is nothing but a spare, an unwanted extra kid, and yet he is wanted, or else Mom wouldn’t be having such a fit.

Milluki has never been wanted by his family, despite being needed. That Kalluto would give up all the attention and affection for something as petty as rebellion — because what else can his joining the Phantom Troupe possibly be? — is absurd.

But maybe not, Milluki thinks as he makes his way downstairs. He’s risking Dad’s anger and punishment as well, just for the sake of a video game.

(It’s not about the video game. That was just an easy starting point, a convenient excuse.)

The passcodes to Alluka’s room are the same, even after the last time Milluki went down there without permission. Milluki is pretty sure he’s offended that no one considered him a danger worth keeping out even after he proved he could and would do this. But he can almost convince himself that instead, the reason the entrance codes are the same is that his parents knew he’d be able to figure out any new combination they used easily.

(Or maybe his tech-illiterate family doesn’t know how to change a password. That’s an option too.)

Milluki finds himself far less intimidated this time, both by the creepy, exhausting hallways and stairs and by Alluka him- her self. It’s easier to get to the room, to say hello and sit down and play.

It’s harder to actually make a wish. 

“Hey, wanna play Mario Kart again?” 

Those are Milluki’s first words when he enters the room — he realizes only after he asks that now playing the game won’t count as fulfilling a request. Alluka didn’t demand it; he’s the one who asked. 

But it’s…easy, and low-stakes, and fun , to play with Alluka. She’s more focused on ranking the characters (Milluki zoned out when Alluka only ranked Rosalina as her 6th favorite; some people have no taste) instead of playing the game, meaning Milluki doesn’t actually have to try very hard to win. And Alluka isn’t a sore loser. 

“You’re so good at this, Millu-nii.” 

Millu-nii. Milluki had hated that nickname when he was younger — he’d thought it was embarrassing and childish, and honestly, he still kind of does. But now he’s no longer worried about what their parents will think of such a nickname. There’s no point, when Milluki knows how little the adults in his family think of him.

Sometimes he wonders if it isn’t simply a generational divide — that they don’t understand how clever Milluki actually is, to be self-taught and yet so proficient with coding and engineering and cybersecurity and a million other things that really have come in handy for the whole family. Sometimes, Milluki wonders if that’s dangerous, to assume his parents are less intelligent or capable than him in any regard. 

“Millu-nii? Are you okay?” 

Did Dad really not think Milluki would come back down here, when he got exactly what he wanted from Alluka at no cost last time? Or was Dad waiting to see if Milluki would disobey him again?

Milluki shakes his head. He’s sure he can hide his presence down here this time — after all, he didn’t come to see Alluka intending to get caught and get in trouble for it this time. But then…then he’s not doing this for their parents’ anger or attention. Not like Kalluto’s presumable motives for joining the Phantom Troupe. 

So did Milluki just come down here because he wanted Greed Island? He’d already gone to Yorknew and back for it, so it makes sense he wouldn’t want to give up now, but at the same time…

…Milluki is a Zoldyck. He could have simply killed Mr. Battera to get his copies of Greed Island, or taken one from the auctioneers by force, or…something. Why did he think his best option was to ask Alluka?

It wasn’t about the game. Milluki feels increasingly certain of that. But then…

…Why did he do it? Why is Milluki down here with Alluka?

He’d thought he and Kalluto were both doing something rebellious for the sake of what they wanted — their parents’ attention, and maybe something else. A new computer, and then a game, for Milluki. A new impressive title and reputation to add to the Zoldyck name, for Kalluto. But if Kalluto wanted their parents’ attention, he didn’t need to leave home or even act out to get it. And as for Milluki…he’s planning to hide that he ever made this visit. He’s taken steps to ensure it. 

So why is he here?

For a wish. He knows that. But then Milluki looks at Alluka — who acts like he hung the moon just because he beat her at a video game — and wonders why he doesn’t actually want her to make any requests.

Maybe…maybe he’s just scared. A computer was a pretty big thing to ask for, so Alluka is going to make harder requests of him this time. Ones he maybe can’t fulfill. And then Milluki will be in trouble, with her if not his parents.

But Milluki isn’t just scared of Alluka. He’s scared for her.

Why? Why does he care what bad things might happen to her? The Zoldycks use and abuse one another constantly — that’s the function of their family. That’s why they make deals instead of just sharing or helping each other freely: a deal is something certain, something concrete, and when made between equal parties, something to be honored.

Alluka’s requests and wishes are not a contract between equal parties. Milluki feels certain of that. Moreover…even though she’s ostensibly part of the family, she was cast aside and locked up so easily.

That’s what scares Milluki, he decides, even though it’s something he’s long since known. That he could be used and discarded like that too. But he won’t be — he’s too smart for that. It’s why he can so easily place what he’s feeling now, too. 

Milluki is worried about sharing Alluka’s fate, that’s all. That’s why it makes him feel sick to look at her, alone and defeated and desperate for attention as she stays locked up alone in her bedroom. Because Milluki is afraid to be put in her position — but crucially, he hasn’t been yet. 

(Milluki doesn’t live like Alluka. He doesn’t.)

Milluki is afraid that he’ll share in Alluka’s fate, and that’s why thinking about her now leaves him with a pit in his stomach.

“I have to go,” Milluki croaks, and turns towards the door. He needs to leave now, or he won’t be able to.

“What?” Alluka breathes. “Wait, no! Millu-nii, please, don’t leave. Don’t leave me.”

“I’m-I’m going. Bye,” Milluki says. He starts typing the combination to open the door.

“Please don’t!” Alluka begs. “I’ll give you whatever you want — you, you wanted a wish, right? I can start making requests! Just please, don’t leave me alone again-” 

Milluki steps through the bank vault doors that secure Alluka’s room and locks them again. Her voice is cut off, and Milluki takes a breath.

It’s odd. Alluka begged him not to go, but she never tried running for the doors. Never even stood up.

Not that Milluki’s in a position to judge. He’d never tried to even leave Kukuroo Mountain by himself until a few weeks ago. And he barely ever leaves his room.

Maybe he and Alluka are alike, after all. They’re both stuck in this house. It’s just that where Alluka cannot leave, Milluki chooses not to. He stays where he is, rooted by family devotion or desperation or fear or just inertia. Maybe all of the above.

Why is Milluki stuck here? No one even wants him here. Would his parents care if he left like Killua did? Would they expect or even want him to return? Maybe they would welcome it. Or maybe a Zoldyck is never allowed to abandon the family, no matter how hated they may be.

Milluki spends a lot of time doing systems analysis. Figuring out how things run, whether they’ll work and why or why not, is his bread and butter.

The hardest calculation he ever has to make is whether his trying to leave home would be allowed, maybe even welcomed…or would be punished.

Milluki does his research to figure this out. He reviews the family records, the lineage kept for centuries of Zoldycks. It’s odd, he realizes, that his parents had five children. Previous generations only had one or two. Did Dad and Mom expect to have screw-ups? Plan on needing some spares? 

It worked, Milluki supposes. He and Alluka might be considered defective, but their parents still have Killua for their precious golden child, and then Kalluto and Illumi as backups. Though, Killua doesn’t want their legacy, and maybe Kalluto is now slipping out of their grasp too…

…where does that leave Milluki? Would his parents be too busy worrying about their preferred children to try and get him back, or would they be even more determined to reign all of their children in? To not let Milluki leave in the first place?

(Where does that leave Illumi, who was the first to be cast aside but stayed closer than any of them?)

Milluki does these calculations a thousand times over. The only thing that changes between timelines, dimensions, and universes, is the conclusion he ultimately draws. 

Chapter Text

#personal

TricksWabbit: come on man just GUESS

HatsuneMillu: UGH FINE

HatsuneMillu: fucking hell

HatsuneMillu: do you have an older sister or something?

TricksWabbit: DING DING DING DING DING 

HatsuneMillu: ffs stfu 

TricksWabbit: haha u have learned to copy me

TricksWabbit: someday imma get u to lol. lmao even.

HatsuneMillu: fat fucking chance 

SailorMercuryPoisoning: LANGUAGE children, please. 

SailorMercuryPoisoning: @HatsuneMillu I swear you’re doing this on purpose 

HatsuneMillu: me? noooooooo 

HatsuneMillu: literally why would I deliberately choose to not waste my time censoring my language just for the toddlers who for some reason are allowed to join the server and play an incredibly violent game but not hear a curse word 

TricksWabbit: see i was gonna guess u were a younger sibling

TricksWabbit: but now i think maybe ur just an only chidl

TricksWabbit: b/c u literally have zero patience

HatsuneMillu: jokes on you fucker I have THREE younger siblings 

HatsuneMillu: and one older one

HatsuneMillu: so there

TricksWabbit: bro how is that possible 

HatsuneMillu: the fuck do you mean how is that possible 

HatsuneMillu: do I need to give you the fucking talk 

SailorMercuryPoisoning: @HatsuneMillu language! 

TricksWabbit: i just meant thats a lot of kids

TricksWabbit: are ur parents old? some of your siblings twins?

SailorMercuryPoisoning: @TricksWabbit I get that you’re surprised but please try to be polite. 

SailorMercuryPoisoning: @HatsuneMillu are you ok with us asking you this? 

HatsuneMillu: I mean its not really a secret how many siblings I have 

HatsuneMillu: I don’t like most of them anyway 

SailorMercuryPoisoning: In that case I wanna second Wabbit’s question.

SailorMercuryPoisoning: Are some of your siblings adopted?

HatsuneMillu: nah

HatsuneMillu: and @TricksWabbit my parents aren’t really old, they just got married young? 

HatsuneMillu: not sure why this matters tbh

TricksWabbit: awww babys first tbh 

HatsuneMillu: 🖕:middle-finger:

TricksWabbit: ok man chill

TricksWabbit: i just meant you dont seem like you are around little kids 

TricksWabbit: like ever

SailorMercuryPoisoning: @HatsuneMillu I think Wabbit is wondering how you could grow up with three little siblings and have not learned patience yet. 

HatsuneMillu: you don’t have to @ me every time you wanna talk to me I can fucking tell when a messgae is meant for me

SailorMercuryPoisoning: Okay, point taken!

TricksWabbit: u type ok with a ay? psycho behavior 

SailorMercuryPoisoning: Graduate student behavior actually. 

HatsuneMillu: you’re in grad school?

HatsuneMillu: I’m not calling you fucking doctor 

SailorMercuryPoisoning: Language! And that’s fair, I only just finished my masters. 

SailorMercuryPoisoning: Any of you thinking of higher education? I know some of you are at that age. I’m happy to help with application stuff; it’s so stressful!  

TricksWabbit: do u actually think any1 in a raiders server gives enough shits to do that

HatsuneMillu: what the hell would I learn in grad school that I can’t teach myself?

TricksWabbit: oh wait 

TricksWabbit: sry millu 

TricksWabbit: i wasnt trying to make fun

HatsuneMillu: how the fuck would you be making fun of me

TricksWabbit: i didnt mean u couldnt do college if u wanted to

TricksWabbit: i know ur smart

TricksWabbit: in ur own way

HatsuneMillu: I know I’m smart asshole

HatsuneMillu: I could get into any school in the world if I wanted to 

HatsuneMillu: I could afford it too

HatsuneMillu: I just don’t wanna 

HatsuneMillu: I wouldn’t learn shit anyway I’m too good at coding already 

SailorMercuryPoisoning: You’re a coder? I have a friend from undergrad who’s working on a computer science degree!

TricksWabbit: wait

TricksWabbit: u motherfucker 

TricksWabbit: THIS is why u always have the best equipment and mods isnt it 

TricksWabbit: u fucking hacked the game

SailorMercuryPoisoning: @TricksWabbit 1. Language! 2. Let’s not make any unfounded accusations. 

HatsuneMillu: I mean he’s right I totally did 

TricksWabbit: MOTHERFUCKER 

TricksWabbit: I SPENT MONTHS TRYING TO BEAT THE SERPENTINE GAUNTLET SOLO

TricksWabbit: AND U ONLY MANAGED IT BECAUSE OF MODS

TricksWabbit: BASTARD

SailorMercuryPoisoning: @TricksWabbit do not make me suspend you!

TricksWabbit: fine

TricksWabbit: im not actually mad anyway

TricksWabbit: this is kinda cool tbh 

TricksWabbit: im friends with a hacker 

TricksWabbit: wanna do a heist or smthn?

HatsuneMillu: since when are we friends? [message deleted]

HatsuneMillu: as if I’d do something so plebeian as a heist 

SailorMercuryPoisoning: It’s kind of fascinating that you refuse to use apostrophes or capitalization, but then your vocabulary includes words like plebeian. 

HatsuneMillu:🖕:middle-finger:

TricksWabbit: ur getting milage outta that emoji 

TricksWabbit: anyway are u like. actually a hacker tho

HatsuneMillu: yeah the first thing I did when I joined this server was collect everyone’s ip addresses, credit card info, identities and social security numbers

HatsuneMillu: just in case 

TricksWabbit: haha very funny 

TricksWabbit: u sound like an evil villain 

HatsuneMillu: don’t worry I erased the data 

HatsuneMillu: just wanted to make sure nobody was a threat 

SailorMercuryPoisoning: Until now I assumed you were joking but now I am sincerely concerned. 

TricksWabbit: o come on its millu hes not using his powers for evil 

SailorMercuryPoisoning: I don’t doubt that, but I do have a lot of questions. 

…

…

SailorMercuryPoisoning: Did I overstep?

TricksWabbit: uhhhhhhhhh 

TricksWabbit: i think u scared him off 

TricksWabbit: profile says hes offline 

SailorMercuryPoisoning: Ah, shit.

TricksWabbit: LANGUAGE!! :D

SailorMercuryPoisoning: Not now Tricks. 

SailorMercuryPoisoning: @HatsuneMillu I’m sorry for being nosy. 

SailorMercuryPoisoning: I was a little worried about you, but I’m not mad at you, I promise.  

SailorMercuryPoisoning: Real-life information is obviously not to be shared lightly but I hope you know you can talk to me about these things.

SailorMercuryPoisoning: I’m not actually that trigger-happy with the banhammer. 

SailorMercuryPoisoning: Feel free to private message me to chat, or mute this channel for a while. But please don’t leave the server! You have friends here, and they’d be sad to see you leave.

TricksWabbit: seconded 

SailorMercuryPoisoning: Which part?

TricksWabbit: all of it? idk man

TricksWabbit: @HatsuneMillu’s funny and the best player 2 u can have 

TricksWabbit: u better not make him leave

…

[You have muted this channel for the next 24 hours.]

Milluki tries pretty hard not to think about his siblings, as a general rule. But it can be difficult to do so.

Milluki knows their family hasn’t fully lost track of Killua, because he still can’t avoid hearing new things about his nuisance of a little brother. Such as that Killua Zoldyck passed the Hunter Exam after his second time taking it.

That’s not surprising. It was weirder that Killua had even failed once — Illumi probably made him fail, come to think of it, since no Zoldyck should have lost a fight against a bunch of wannabe Hunters. Killua would have passed the first time had it actually been up to his abilities, Milluki knows.

Killua really is exceptionally gifted. Milluki is less angry about that now than he could have been. 

Milluki is, however, confused when Killua reaches out to him with a request, for the second time in not-that-many months. They’ve had many years of bitterness and hatred and fighting. But now, Killua reaches out and offers a deal, an equal exchange — and he asks Milluki for new weapons, of all things.

Their family isn’t exactly short on resources as-is for a man looking to arm himself. They’ve got swords and glaives and shuriken and maces and weapons Milluki has long forgotten the names of, in every metal and from every era. But what Killua asks for isn’t any of that. He asks for yo-yos, a toy concealing a weapon’s function, that he can use for his new Nen ability. 

Part of Milluki is eager to agree simply because there’s satisfaction in knowing that his oh-so-great younger brother needs his help, and because Killua offers payment. Part of Milluki protests that he only conceded because Killua also (once again) threatened to wreck Milluki’s figurines if he didn’t make the yo-yos. Part of Milluki is just glad for the chance to test his skills on a more interesting and creative project than he would usually attempt. 

Part of Milluki is astounded that his little brother was reckless enough (trusting enough) to tell him what he intended to use those yo-yos for. That he would offer even the tiniest morsel of information about his own Nen to Milluki. 

Milluki doesn’t really do Nen. He could learn, he’s certain; his family’s disdain for him has probably only ever been compounded by the fact that he quit those particular lessons. But at the same time…Milluki knows he has no natural gift for combat, and very little of the patience or pain tolerance or energy needed to train. And even if he did learn Nen, he’d be told all the while how Illumi and Killua and even Kalluto learned faster than him. Were better than him.

Milluki likes to stick to what he’s good at.

But even if Killua already knows by now that Milluki is good with technology…Milluki hadn’t realized that his family knew about his penchant for engineering and metallurgy. He’d expect to have been put to work doing it around the house, if his parents knew how good Milluki had gotten with mixing alloys and blacksmithing. At the very least, Mom probably would have whined that Milluki didn’t use his talents to make her any nice jewelry. 

Could it be that Killua is the only one to have noticed Milluki’s talent, then?

Milluki doesn’t have the mental energy to dwell on that thought. He’s busy compounding all his past research to find the best metal alloys for conductivity without rust, because Killua doesn’t even know what oxidization is and definitely won’t bother cleaning his weapons regularly. Even after all of Dad and Grandpa’s training and advice, Killua is careless. 

Case in point: asking Milluki, who hates him, to make a weapon his life could well end up being staked on. Even just clarifying that he wanted a conductive metal tells Milluki that Killua’s Nen is now tied to electricity somehow.

(Smart. This way all the exposure to electrical torture that Zoldycks have to learn to resist is doing Killua some good. Milluki thinks he himself probably got it worse, though, since all his training and conditioning started when he was older. He’d gotten used to a gentle and painless existence before his younger siblings were born, whereas Killua had never known anything else.)

(Is that kinder? To never know the illusion of a normal, domestic sort of love, before being burdened with the reality of what being a Zoldyck demands? Milluki needs to believe it is. He needs to believe he had it worse.)

(Milluki really doesn’t know why he’s going to so much trouble just to help his little brother.)

Anyway. There’s a lot of different functions and needs to be balanced, since Milluki is making a weapon that has to be tailored to Killua’s needs and interests. Something that requires minimal upkeep, that won’t rust, that conducts electricity well, and of course that packs a ton of mass and weight into a relatively small volume. This is the densest alloy Milluki’s ever had to make, in fact. 

It’s hard work to finish Killua’s yo-yos, especially on a deadline. But Milluki is very proud of the product of his work. 

Finishing Killua’s order also gets Milluki thinking about his line of work.

Where Killua outright rejected their family’s line of work by leaving home, Milluki has always managed it just fine. He doesn’t always love being an assassin — he’s found it unpleasant to do in-person, the sights and sounds haunting his dreams. But when Milluki works remotely, using bombs or (in one case) hacking someone’s self-driving car to kill them in a crash, he’s not very bothered by it. Honestly, sometimes being an assassin just feels like another game. 

But where he’s good at killing people, Milluki is great at many other things. Organization, analysis, mathematics — those are skills that could still help the family in obvious ways. But his coding, engineering, and blacksmithing talents, those are just things that people do for normal jobs. 

The tech industry is booming right now. Maybe it’s not as impressive as being an assassin, but it’s nothing to sneeze at either. Contract work, by client request, doing what needs to be done…that’s something that a lot of normal people do for a living.

Previously, the notion that he was ordinary, that he was a normal person, was repulsive to Milluki. When his family hated him, he could still cling to the superiority of their name — the worst and weakest Zoldyck was still better and stronger than almost anyone else in the world, after all.

But now…the idea that Milluki is normal feels oddly comforting. He’s not like his family — but that means he doesn’t need to be. He doesn’t need to stay trapped the way that Alluka does. If Milluki really is cast aside, as he’d always feared…he’ll be okay, as long as he can leave. 

In fact, the idea that things will remain the same for Milluki — that he will remain a part of the Zoldyck family, tolerated if not loved — is no longer something he desperately wishes for. How can he, when his talents would be much better appreciated elsewhere?

Milluki convinces himself of this — that it is because of his own ego and his talents that he plans to leave. Not fear, and certainly not sympathy.

#personal

HatsuneMillu: how do you tell your parents you want to move out and not piss them off

TricksWabbit: uhhhhhhh

TricksWabbit: buddy 

TricksWabbit: i dont think you leaving the house will make your parents that mad 

TricksWabbit: most parents WANT their kids to leave eventually 

SailorMercuryPoisoning: Besides, you're old enough that it’s normal for you to leave. 

HatsuneMillu: you don’t know that

SailorMercuryPoisoning: I know you’ve been in this server for over six years.

SailorMercuryPoisoning: I can infer that you should be in college by now.

TricksWabbit: oh is that the problem? 

TricksWabbit: they dont like the school u picked?

HatsuneMillu: I’m not leaving for school, that’s not the problem 

HatsuneMillu: the problem is that my younger siblings moved out REALLY young

HatsuneMillu: so I don’t think my parents want me to leave so soon after them

SailorMercuryPoisoning: How old are these siblings, exactly?

HatsuneMillu: …

HatsuneMillu: eh fuck it I trust you 

HatsuneMillu: they’re like 12 and 10 

SailorMercuryPoisoning: What the fuck?

TricksWabbit: holy shit you made mercury drop a f bomb 

TricksWabbit: shes never done that in liek 8+ yrs 

TricksWabbit: but also seconded

TricksWabbit: thats a very wtf thing to say 

SailorMercuryPoisoning: Are these siblings going to boarding school? Is that what you mean by moving out?

HatsuneMillu: no like they moved out to live with their friends

HatsuneMillu: my dad seems relatively calm about it but my mom is losing her shit 

SailorMercuryPoisoning: I can’t even tell which one of your parents is the bigger red flag.

TricksWabbit: yeah uh im getting past concerned and am now freaked out

TricksWabbit: part of me feels like I should be calling the cops on your parents 

HatsuneMillu: LMAO like that’ll work 

TricksWabbit: u lmaod and i cant even be happy about it 

SailorMercuryPoisoning: Now I’m even more concerned. Do you want to talk about this? Is it safe for you to talk about this?

TricksWabbit: BRO

SailorMercuryPoisoning: Does your family go through your computer?

HatsuneMillu: my family doesn’t know how to rotate a pdf 

HatsuneMillu: they definitely don’t know my password 

SailorMercuryPoisoning: Well, there’s that at least.

SailorMercuryPoisoning: If you’d like I can try to help you make a script or write a letter to give your parents.

SailorMercuryPoisoning: But frankly it sounds like you might be better off leaving first and telling them once you’re out safe.

…

… 

SailorMercuryPoisoning: I scared him off again, didn’t I?

TricksWabbit: eeeeeeeyup