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"You know, I just wanted to say that I love your beauty spots! They're truly lovely, Rook!"
"Why thank you, Bellara, you're too kind," Enyo grinned, giving Bellara a smile.
This wasn't the first time someone had complimented them on their beauty marks of course, it had been a reoccurring theme throughout their life, but still. This was the first time in a long time it had been someone Enyo truly cared for who had said it.
Usually, the ones who mentioned it were mere acquaintances, other crows, sometimes clients or even marks... And Enyo never truly believed anyone who said it, truly meant it. Only telling them Enyo so in order to get on their good side. Perhaps hoping that flattery would get them everywhere with Enyo. Not realising that Enyo did not believe a word of what they had said, and therefore could not be flattered by it. Not really.
Although perhaps the reason why they didn't believe it now when it was said, dated back a few years. Because the last time that someone had said it, someone they had cared for no less, it was... Malari. Their ex...
But no, they weren't going to go down the rabbit hole. Not again. They knew what would happen if they allowed themselves to remember the many time Malari had complimented their beauty marks, kissing each and every one of them, making sure Enyo knew they were loved...
But it had all been a lie in the end, hadn't it? At least, it had to have been. Because if it wasn't, if it hadn't always been a lie, then what had changed? What had Enyo done to make Malari, whom they had loved so dearly, despise them? Was it something they had said? Something they had done? Something they didn't realise was hurting Malari, but had?
None of these questions had answers and, now, they never would.
Because Malari was...
Dead.
Killed by Enyo's own hands.
They hadn't wanted to of course, but what choice did they have, when the one they loved had tried to kill them multiple times? It had been a kill or be killed situation... And yet, years later the guilt they had felt after pushing Malari off that cliff, sometimes came back to haunt them.
It was absurd, really, but no matter how hard they tried to fight the feeling, it always seemed to linger at the back of their mind, just out of reach...
And yet, in this moment, with Bellara, Enyo wanted to believe that she meant it... And yet somehow, their heart still didn't seem to want to accept the compliment...
And at this point, would they ever be complimented on their appearance again without doubting every word that had been spoken?
***
"Dearest, what is the matter? Have I hurt you?"
Enyo froze, staring at Emmrich with a pained look on their face that no longer matched the mood they had been in before. Mood which had shattered the moment Emmrich had asked the question, although Enyo should have guessed that he would notice immediately, with how considerate he was of Enyo's comfort and well being.
And while Enyo was grateful to him for it, part of them wished he hadn't asked, not wanting to explain, to rehash what had happened. And yet, when Emmrich looked at them with such sincere worry, something inside Enyo seemed to melt, wanting to offer this man nothing but complete honesty.
They had been spending time together in their room, Enyo seated in Emmrich's lap as they kissed, Enyo practically melting from how incredible kissing this man truly was, how loved they felt...
That is, until Emmrich had pulled away from the kiss, complimenting them on how beautiful he found them, before beginning to pepper kisses on each and every one of their beauty marks. First, the ones above their lips, then their nose, chin...
And for each kiss placed there, Enyo had flinched slightly. They'd tried to stop it, tried to ignore the discomfort it brought, but to no avail. Memories of Malari doing the same thing flooded their mind, dread beginning to pool in the pit of their stomach...
They'd been fine with everything else until now, kissing Emmrich had never made them think of Malari, so why now, why this?
They'd tried to push the thoughts away, tried to relax into the touch of the man they loved so dearly, wanting to please him... But the more they tried to push the thoughts away, the less they succeeded...
Until Emmrich noticed, finally saying something about it, as he realized that something was fundamentally wrong.
And now here they were, Emmrich looking at them with sincere worry in his eyes, while Enyo desperately scrambled for something to say, anything to say...
"I... I'm sorry, Emmrich, it's not you. You haven't done anything wrong. It's... It's me. I just... Remembered something unpleasant, that's all."
"What was it, darling? Please, share your burdens with me," Emmrich spoke softly, looking at them with so much love, and sincerity that Enyo felt tears beginning to prick at their eyes. "You know you can tell me anything. I would never judge you. But if you prefer to remain silent, I will not force you to open up to me, and we shall let the matter rest. But I do believe it would do you good to unburden yourself, my dear."
None had loved them so purely before.
It was... It was almost overwhelming in its intensity sometimes.
And yet, they basked in his attention like a cat in sunlight. Wanted him to never stop showing how much he loved them, because Enyo hoped that if he kept doing it, they would one day be able to truly believe it, with their heart and not just their mind.
Taking a deep, shuddering breath, Enyo gave Emmrich a determined nod...
And told him.
About Malari. How they had dated her for three years, but the relationship had been anything but healthy. But Enyo hadn't had any romantic relationships before her, and hadn't truly realised until after how toxic Malari truly was. She hadn't accepted them for who they were.
Not really.
She'd told them that she did, but in her behaviour it was obvious she liked the idea of Enyo as a woman much more than the truth: That Enyo was not a man, nor a woman, but simply Enyo. Just Enyo. Nothing more, nothing less.
To please Malari, Enyo had subconsciously began to act more like what she wanted, even if it was painful to do for them.
And yet, there were moments, where Malari was wonderful. Giving Enyo scraps of love and approval, telling them how beautiful she found them, kissing each and every one of their beauty marks like it was something precious, something to be treasured because it was Enyo's.
Enyo hadn't seen the betrayal coming, not even when the metaphorical knife had already been lodged deep within their back. Not until Malari had told them, from the outside of the mausoleum in the Deep Roads she had locked them in, that she hated them.
But even when Malari had conjured up the flute, bringing the dead back to life all around them, Enyo had still been in denial.
And then, Malari had told them she was going after Viago, going after all of the Talons. To kill them. To destroy them. To remove the Crows from Antiva entirely. And Enyo had finally understood, that Malari was serious.
Left for dead in that awful place, they barely remembered surviving that situation, couldn't explain how they'd done it when asked.
All they remembered was them making their way to the manor on the cliff, where all of the Talons of the Crows had been present, preparing for a mission. And that's where Enyo had managed to push Malari off the cliff, to save Viago's life.
Things had never been the same after that.
And while it had been two years since, and Enyo truly thought they were past it, it seemed that their body disagreed, as Emmrich kissing their beauty marks had suddenly reawakened that terrible feeling they'd felt at the betrayal, terrified that getting too close to Emmrich would end in heartbreak.
Of course, Emmrich was nothing like Malari, Enyo knew that much, they had tried to fight the fear, the reaction of their body, but to no avail.
"Oh dearest, I am so very sorry that you had such a terrible first relationship," Emmrich finally spoke, gently wiping a tear from Enyo's cheek. "You deserve better than that. You deserve to have someone love you for you, the real you, and if she could not see how magnificent you are as your true self, than she must have been blind.
And I want you to know that, should you ever feel discomfort at my touch, for whatever reason, please do not hesitate to let me know. Your comfort and pleasure is of utmost importance to me. Please, my darling, can you promise me that?"
"I- Y-yes, mi amor, I will t-tell you next time," Enyo stuttered, tears slowly flowing down their cheeks. "I'm sorry."
"There is no need for apologies, dearest, there was no harm done to me. It is for you that I worry, for your beautiful, kind, loving heart that did not deserve to be trampled the way it was," Emmrich soothed them, a soft, loving expression as he continued to wipe away Enyo's tears as they fell.
"I-I'm apologising because I didn't want- I didn't want this to happen," Enyo sobbed, biting their lip hard to try and regain control of themselves, if only a little. "I- I know that you would never-never hurt me like she has. I trust you with my li-life, I swear it!
So why has my body betrayed me this-this way? Why is it reacting like this, when-when I want to enjoy your touch, because it's you-your touch, mi vida. I just- I just didn't want to disappoint you. I..."
"Shhh, darling, shhh, you could never disappoint me, you hear? Never," Emmrich spoke firmly, grabbing Enyo's face with both hands and forcing them to meet his unwavering gaze. "You are the most incredible, wonderful, magnificent person I have ever had the pleasure of knowing.
That you even looked at me, and saw me as worthy of your love, is a blessing I will never take for granted. I consider myself lucky every day to have your affection. Nothing you do, could ever disappoint me. Nothing, do you understand me, my darling Enyo?"
Slowly, tears still streaming down their face, Enyo nodded.
"I... I understand, my love."
"Do you believe me? Truly, believe me?"
"I do, believe you," Enyo smiled through their tears, nuzzling their face against his hands. "I... I think I have never believed anyone more than-than I do now. I wish- I wish I could feel this way all the time but I... I am afraid.
Not of you, never of you, mi amor, but of you leaving me. Of you being afraid of our differences, of the ages that separate us. That would devastate me. I don't think I've ever felt what I feel for you for anyone else before.
That is why this-this sudden reminder of Malari is-is so frustrating because I love you more than I ever did her. So why-why can I not get it out of my head, her touch?"
"Oh, darling..." Emmrich breathed out, looking at them with a pained expression on his face.
Gently removing his hands from their face, he wrapped his arms around them and pulled them into a tender, loving hug that only served to make them cry harder.
This was the first time that Enyo had truly broached the topic with someone other than their sister, and even then Ara and them didn't often discuss it. So to finally be able to get this off their chest, with someone they loved so dearly, it was... Liberating in a way they never thought it would be.
As Emmrich spoke soft words of reassurance to them, Enyo crying in a way they not often allowed themselves to, for the first time in a long time they let themselves be vulnerable. Truly, vulnerable, and seen, as they clung onto Emmrich like their life depended on it.
"Please, stay with me, Emmrich. Don't- don't leave me."
"Of course not, dearest, I am right here. Right here. I will always be right here."
How long they remained in his embrace, Enyo could not tell. It could have been minutes as well as hours but, slowly, Enyo felt themselves calm, returning to their senses.
Feeling better than they had in a long time, they slowly pulled away from the hug enough to look Emmrich in the face, and with a soft smile, they said, the certainty of it resonating within their very soul:
"I love you, Emmrich."
"As do I, my darling Enyo," Emmrich responded, placing a long kiss on their forehead. "Now, you must be exhausted after that, perhaps you wish to retire for the night? I shall give you your privacy..."
"No, please, I... Can I sleep with you tonight?" Then, realizing what they had said, and blushing wildly, they stammered:
"I- I meant..."
"I understood, dearest. Yes, of course, you are more than welcome to share my bed, whenever you so desire," Emmrich gave them a loving smile, as he slowly helped them to their feet. "Now come, let us retire for the night.
But before we go, thank you, for sharing such an important piece of your life with me. I am honoured that you trusted me. Thank you."
"Because it was you, mi amor, it made it all the easier to share, because I knew it would be safe with you," Enyo smiled tiredly, giving him a soft kiss on the cheek. "Now let us be on our way. I long to fall asleep in your arms."
It did not take long for the two of them to make it to Emmrich's room, retiring in the small bedroom the Lighthouse had added to the room upon Emmrich's request.
And as Enyo fell asleep in the warm embrace of the man they loved, for the first time, they felt safe to fall asleep, knowing that someone was watching over them.
And they knew, both with their mind AND heart, that they were truly loved.
THE END