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Chapter Text

What is it like to be a symbol? What does it mean to be a manifestation of dreams that are carried and shared? What do you do if you’re an icon but you also have a three-page assignment  due third period? For even the students at the Pro League Academy, they don’t know the answers, even when those questions are their fundamental reality.

The dimly lit halls barely flickering as the hours of the day wane. When you’re staying in late just to get the next part through. Every dropped ball, every bounced puck, every cracked pad, every torn net, every yellow card, every screamer four-hundred feet into the stands, every time someone’s dream has to end because only one can advance. Where agony is part of the curriculum. Welcome to Pro League Academy, the educational home of the physical representatives of American and Canadian Sports Franchises. Nobody ages, nobody graduates, nobody dies in the traditional sense. It’s like the leagues themselves, you can’t leave unless you relocate or dissolve. And thus, everyone goes to school each new season, with the objective of winning a championship in their minds: whether that’s the Lombardi, the Larry O’Brien, the Stanley Cup, the Commissioner's Trophy, the Phillip F Anchlutz, or the (aptly-named) WNBA Trophy. Everyone has a shot at the top every year, at least in theory. 

Pro League Academy often lends itself to more than just its educational purposes, with this much iconography in one place, it is the theater for drama, heartbreak, snark. The weight of history often contrasts with the new entrants-those whose souls may have not yet been worn out and sanded down by time. So everyone goes to school, to learn, to cry, maybe to see something greater than themselves. And with a new season, everyone gets a new chance.

(4:30 PM)

Flyers are up around Pro League Academy, The “New Season, New Beginnings” dance is something that the Principal loves to insist on having. Various crews run around trying to get set up, with a teacher to guide them in their way. Now, the specific students involved in set up aren’t the school’s first choice. They’re not anyone’s first choice, as ghosts of the past and ghosts of the future. 

Mr. Trice: “I get that you probably don’t want to be helping”

Quincy (Quebec Nordiques): “Definitely don’t”

Comet (Houston Comets): “Not one bit”

Mr. Trice: “Yeah….it’s pretty understandable”

Everyone’s got the real students, the ones who’s symbols and icons are in the physical world, actively competing in the big leagues, up on a pedestal. Everyone else? Just the dreams and ghosts, basement for them. The representations of the ones who aren’t allowed to compete anymore, or not been thought of to compete yet.

Quincy: “I mean how is Canada gonna get passed up for expansion AGAIN? We clearly deserve to come back and it’s OUR hockey league? You’re telling me fucking New Orleans has more of a hockey culture than QUEBEC CITY? You’re out of your goddamn mind”

Comet: “And CLEVELAND of all cities gets a team again? The Cleveland Rockers were terrible for years. But ohh, we need to help the Cleveland sports narrative, Cleveland is such a good and impactful city. No it’s NOT, what does Cleveland actually do? It serves no purpose. We’re the 4 time WNBA champions, a historic dynasty, but noo….bring back Cleveland instead”

Mr. Trice: “Greasing the wheels of a little thing called Capitalism”

Comet: “No, it’s not capitalism, it’s bullshit favoritism and romanticism for shit that doesn’t work in a town that deserves jack shit. ‘Passionate fan culture, these’, literally shut up these people would leave their teams in a heartbeat to be fans of actually successful teams”

Quincy: “It’s honestly xenophobia against Canadians from the League office”

Mr. Trice: “This isn’t exactly a productive conversation to have about what you can do personally. And also quite ironic from both of you”

Comet: “Sorry…it’s just….reality is often disappointing”

Quincy: “Yeah…it’s just….I want to be real”

Mr. Trice: “And so does everyone else”

Comet: “I just need to vent some more”

Quincy: “Same, New Orleans…and AUSTIN, can you believe that?”

Comet: “We got showed up for a city we’re bigger than with ZERO WNBA history too, how crazy is THAT?”

Mr. Trice shakes his head and just walks away as those two continue to vent about how they’re unfairly regarded and looks around to see other people. Two students carrying a camera to be specific.

The spotlight is always on the leagues with shine. While the beacon is bright, and the stage is light for the ones who hold narrative weight. 

Margo (Maryland Whipsnakes): “This camera is heavy”

Jason (Toronto Argonauts): “No shit sherlock”

Margo: “So we gotta what? Take the film out and put it into the computer?”

Another student shows up behind them. 

SIlo (San Francisco Unicorns): “Not exactly, you need to extract the tape through that hard drive and upload it into the computer”

Jason: “I’m too old for this fucking shit”

Margo: “We’re the same age?”

Jason: “You know what I meant asshole”

Silo: “Erm, you should probably stop cursing”

Jason: “I don’t give a damn about you think”

Jason and Margo keep moving the camera towards the tech room to take out the film.

Jason: “Damn thing is heavier than an artillery shell”

Silo: “Erm…what is artillery”

Jason: “Stop watching CocoMelon you fucking child”

Margo: “Again, we’re the same age”

Jason: “Oh who gives a fuck:

As they enter the room, Jason just lets go of the camera, leaving Margo to struggle under it’s weight, placing it down.

Jason: “The CFL used to be REVERED, now we are IGNORED. The Grey Cup used to magnetize audiences, now we’re just footnotes”

Margo: “Maybe your league needs to do more”

Jason: “Nah, it’s the damn TikittyToks and that glamour league down south that thinks they own Spring Football. They don’t care about real Football the way we do”

Silo: “Stop sounding so old”

Jason: “I am old”

Margo: “Same ag-”

Jason: “You know what I fucking mean”

Silo: “Bitter and jealous”

Jason: “YES. I AM”

Silo looks at the Camera, wondering how to get the film via hard drive out of the camera. Silo looks around for the button, before they press it, and it pops free, revealing a coil of foil connected to a hard drive.

Margo: “How does that work?”

Silo: “Me and the other Major League Cricket guys designed it”

Jason: “Typical Silicon Valley”

Margo: “Hey, what can ya say?”

Jason: “A lot”

Silo tries to grab the hard drive, but it’s jammed into the camera  a bit.

Silo: “This damn thing won’t b-”

Silo struggles before being stopped by what feels like an invisible force, they turn around, both Margo and Jason are looking at the figure too. They walk like a ghost in the night, draped in faded greens and grays. Their outfit looks mismatched. Wearing a contemporary green-gray jacket, with the faded decals of every logo overlaid onto each other in the color. It smells like a Wal-Mart mixed with cracker-jacks from a local minor league ballpark. Their pants are ragged and gray, like they were left in an old washer and left there for decades, smelling like old news paper. They look like a ghost, but also like the future, with a bright green visor that covers their eyes. 

Kale (Every Team): “You’re supposed to pull it lightly”

Silo pulls on it lightly, and it comes out.

Silo: “Huh”

Jason: “You and your damn wisdom”

Kale: “Nice to see you again”

Margo: “You know this person?”

Jason: “That’s Kale, they’re every one”

Silo: “They’re…what?”

Jason: “I can’t fucking explain it, okay!”

Silo places the Hard Drive into the computer, and Kale places their hand over it.

Kale: “I can connect the treads of every place by being me. You can feel history”

Jason remembers something. He sees an old vision, a very old game between them and the Tiger-Cats.

Jason: “Most of you can’t remember…what it was like to go to war…”

Margo: “That must have been tough”

Jason: “Part of it was…”

Silo opens the video software, intent on editing down the raw footage, but it’s already stitched together from Kale’s presence. 

Silo: “How?”

Jason: “They can connect the threads of every place and every one, like they said”

Margo: “Well?”

Silo: “Well what?”

Margo: “Lets watch it”

Kale: “Hmm…maybe you should watch it”

Jason: “Watch the overzealous main characters brag in their own little bubble not aware of a damn thing….sure…we’ll watch I guess”

Silo opens the video player app, and selects the file. And lets the video play.

Principal Rozelle: “The prompt is, this season new season, new you. Talking about what you’ll do, to be closer to the you, you want to be”

The video then begins to cut into a montage, following the Principal’s voice.

Summer (Pittsburgh Steelers): “New season, same me, we’re going .500 until the world stops spinning or Tomlin stops being the head coach….the former is more likely to happen first”

Rachel (Baltimore Ravens): “My goal this year is to win the Super Bowl, mainly because I won’t be able to show my face around town if we don’t”

Bryce (Cleveland Browns): “New season, we’re gonna find a franchise Quarterback. Like, we’re going to find at least one….we better because I’m starting all four of them”

Orson (Cincinnati Bengals): “This season, I will attempt to get a winning record fielding no defense….like it’s so bad even our rookie won’t sign for us”

Polly (New England Patriots): “My goal this season is to field a team that makes the Patriots brand respectable again”

Clayton (Buffalo Bills): “I am going to murder Patrick Mahomes and Andy Reid if we lose to the Chiefs in the playoffs again”

Miles (Miami Dolphins): “New season, I will be doing the same thing as Orson. No…seriously…Storm Duck is our CB1, things are bad”

Jen (New York Jets): “This season it will be 15 years with no playoffs….it’s not my goal but it will happen…”

Tex (Houston Texans): “My goal this season is to win the AFC South again…which is pretty easy but I want to see if I can do it again every year”

Margaret (Jacksonville Jaguars): “New season, Trevor Lawrence better throw for five thousand yards or else uh….I might be screwed”

Payton (Indianapolis Colts): “I will be starting Daniel Jones….Indiana Jones. It’s just meant to be”

Franklin (Tennessee Titans): “My goal is just for Cam Ward to be better than Will Levis…like I’m in trouble if he’s not. I trash talked a lot this offseason”

Wolf (Kansas City Chiefs): “Uh…Super Bowl? Like, I’d like another one…pretty please”

Oakley (Las Vegas Raiders): “This season I’m chewing run, spamming Jeanty up the middle, and letting chaos reign supreme”

Edith (Los Angeles Chargers): “This season, uh…another Jesse Minster defensive masterclass and a playoff win. No more If Man this year. I hope”

Arlo (Denver Broncos): “I Bo-lieve in this team. And I Bo-lieve that this season, it’s our time to take this division back from Wolf. And if we don’t? I’m gonna die inside”

Clara (San Francisco 49ers): “This season….I lost hope for this season after  the off..offf…bwahahahahaha! You’d really think I’d lose hope in what I’m doing. Quest for Six begins again!!”

Ryan (Los Angeles Rams): “Gotta squeeze the last bit of magic out of Uncle Stafford until he dries up”

Sadie (Seattle Seahawks): “Sam Darnold won’t be an ostrich this season. I think….I’m not sure what else I’m supposed to do. At least I got that asking for too much money old man outta here”

Rhys (Arizona Cardinals): “This season…will be like all the seasons…pain, pain, pain, and more pain. Life is meaningless, it’s not like I have anything to look forward t-”

Luther (New Orleans Saints): “New season….I’m still in hell….I need Tyler Shough to be my divine savior”

Falkner (Atlanta Falcons): “New season….I’m still not over it”

Brenda (Tampa Bay Buccaneers): “This season, I be goin' t' be extendin' me reign o' dominance at the top. This pirate gimmick is never getting old”

Caroline (Carolina Panthers): “If Bryce Young ain’t the guy after this season….I’m going to never be happy again”

Quinn (Washington Commanders): “Jayden Daniels….just…Jayden Daniels…oh what am I gonna do this season? Uh….”

John (New York Giants): “Good ol fashioned, hard nosed defensive football, none of that ‘flair’ nonsense this season. Just good defense, good run game, and Jaemis Winston getting covered in oil and set on fire if he throws a single pick”

Lincoln (Philadelphia Eagles): “This season? Another Super Bowl. Because last season? We won the goddamn motherfucking Super Bowl”

Harper (Dallas Cowboys): “This season? IT’S OUR YEAR, AND WE DEM BOYS. I’ll say it every year until it’s true”

Rhodes (Green Bay Packers): “In this new season, Jordan Love shall have an MVP caliber year and my status will be ascended and elevated. So says the Cheesehead Oracle of Lambeau. I can know every future, this season or the last”

Violet (Minnesota Vikings): “I can see it now…2 minutes left on the clock, tied game in  the playoffs, 3rd and 1, we go to QB sneak and, ‘OH MY GOD MCCARTHY FUMBLES, AND IT’S PICKED UP AND RETURNED FOR SIX. THE VIKINGS BLUNDER AGAIN. SHOULD HAVE PAID SAM DARNOLD INSTEAD OF THAT BLAKE CORUM MERCHANT’. I can picture it…it’s so beautiful. Oh…goals for this season?”

Shelia (Detroit Lions): “This season I will go for it on fourth down even more. I will go for it even more next year. The year after that we will cut our punter and kicker. We will always go for it”

Walter (Chicago Bears): “This season, I just want to see Caleb Williams take the leap, that is all I ask. Oh, I’ll also sell my soul to sweep Rhodes”

Cecile (Boston Celtics): “We’re just in limbo until Tatum comes back. So this season is like a gap year”

Patrick (New York Knicks): “We will win the East this year. And if we don’t? The golden castle in my dreams shall collapse…which, it’s a nice castle. I envision a Knicks Larry O’B there”

Hayes (Philadelphia 76ers): “New season, New Jerseys, New Coaches, New Players, New GM, New Team, New Year, New CBA, New whatever, the message is always the same. Trust the stupid fucking goddamn proccess until I want to fucking die”

Amber (Toronto Raptors): “We the north every season. So….play-in? Maybe”

Brook (Brooklyn Nets): “This season, I will make sure that one of our many, many, many, international guards pans out”

Cassidy (Cleveland Cavaliers): “Hehehehe”, Cassidy is already laughing and on the edge of a nervous breakdown, “Stop talking about LeBron…stop it. This season we’re gonna win without him”, Cassidy keeps laughing some more. “He’s not coming home guys…stop it…we’re not actually gonna trade for him… Haaa…hahahaha….Evan Mobley’s gonna be the face of Cleveland Basketball…ahahahahahahahhaa”

Buford (Milwaukee Bucks): “I’d give Giannis 80 million per year and every Cheese Curd in Wisconsin if it meant he’d be a Buck for Life. So…I’m gonna work on that this season”

Richie (Indiana Pacers): “This season…I’m gonna try not to cry too much when thinking about how close this team was too a ring…god damn it man…”

Morgan (Detroit Pistons): “This season I want to cause problems. I want to commit so many crimes I get on an FBI watchlist:

Chip (Chicago Bulls): “Another year, Another ten seed baybee”

Wyatt (Washington Wizards): “New season….hopefully some young development. Like…I go to sleep in class and dream of a world where Tre Johnson scores 50ppg. That’s not unrealistic, right?”

Andy (Atlanta Hawks): “Guess what? We’re gonna not be mid next season. Like, I feel obligated to not be mid one year because, we’re mid all the others”

Adelle (Charlotte Hornets): “New season, No center. The way Basketball was meant to be played. Just shooters”

Riley (Miami Heat): “I’ve got one more in me. And by one more in me, I mean a scam. Like…we can totally get Knecht from Logan”

Norman (Orlando Magic): “Orlando Magic, woah oah oah waoahh. This year I’m going to….hope Paolo and Franz develop chemistry. Like…they can be so good together. The Orlando Magic dynasty can be so good…”

Mae (Dallas Mavericks): “Last season I got called a moron, an idiot, for making what some fools were calling a ‘generational sell’, ‘an all time blunder’. Jokes on them, now we’re actually a better team this season…ignore that it happened purely due to luck…in Nico Harrison we trust”

Hayley (Houston Rockets): “Crunching the numbers, looking at all the data, all the probability metrics. Amen Thompson can get his defense up, Sengun will have less offensive load due to Kevin Durant-”, Hayley pulls out her phone, “Going on screens, he can run the pick and roll with h-”

Sally (San Antonio Spurs): “This season….team basketball. Like every other season”

Percy (New Orleans Pelicans): “I’m hoping Zion can actually play next season, due to both health factors and lawsuits”

Mendel (Memphis Grizzlies): “I want Ja to not do something foolish off of the court, like last season. But really, new season, still no real plan. I have to work on a plan”

Trinity (Oklahoma City Thunder): “New season, a new dynasty”

Fir (Minnesota Timberwolves): “My goal this season is to coast on Anthony Edwards vibes and try to get to another conference finals. Oh, also go outside more”

Demi (Denver Nuggets): “My goal this season is to add more players around Jokic so people stop yelling at me”

Jonah (Utah Jazz): “This season, like all the others, I hate life. At least Ace Bailey showed up”

Bridget (Portland Trailblazers): “Deni Avdija All NBA this season. It’s coming. In all seriousness, we’re just waiting for the next player to take that step”

Logan (Los Angeles Lakers): “Season 64 of the Los Angeles Lakers show. I’m still the main character. This season, I’m thinking we’ll have a farewell tour for the king and get one step closer to getting Giannis…he’s not a Laker yet, but he will be. Everyone worth caring about becomes a Laker eventually”

Corey (Los Angeles Clippers): “This season I will stop living in denial, and admit that we’re not gonna be okay”

Rami (Phoenix Suns): “Going from the NBA Finals to running three Shooting Guards on the court as starters is sobering. I guess this season I’ll try to survive”

Juno (Sacramento Kings): “This season I will LIGHT THE BEAM, LIGHT THE BEAM, LIGHT THE BEAM…………even if we’re not good”

Dot (Golden State Warriors): “I’m running with the old men every season. Every season until they retire”

Yolanda (New York Yankees): “They tried to tell me Da Yankees would suck, but every season we’ll try to win the World Series. The key word here being, win”

Jay (Toronto Blue Jays): “Oh Canada. This season, we’re going to make Canadian Baseball matter again”

Raquel (Tampa Bay Rays): “I just want to stay here….this season I want to remain”

Samuel (Boston Red Sox): “This season I will not trade anymore franchise players to the West coast….after I just did it a second time”

Oscar (Baltimore Orioles): “Next season, after this season….we’re going to win? Question mark? It’s….it’s not looking good”

Desmond (Detroit Tigers): “This season. I will be king of dookie mountain. Aka, the American League”

Travis (Minnesota Twins): “Mid’s never been more in-season”

Ito (Cleveland Guardians): “I am not panicking, or making any rash decisions. This season is long….one might say…too long”

Kingsley (Kansas City Royals): “I’m tired of people saying ‘the feel good story is over’. I’m gonna make you have nothing good to feel about this season when Bobby Whitt Jr slides all over you for a run”

Whitney (Chicago White Sox): “I don’t give a fuck about this season. We’re not the worst team in the MLB. This is my world series”

Holly (Houston Astros): “I stepped my game back up and started ch-I mean….doing smart front office decisions, finding gems in the rough, and replenishing our talent to levels where we can win the AL West again….yeah…”

Milton (Seattle Mariners): “This season our bullpen is as good as I expected, but I never expected the offensive output. But new results bring new goals. I want that division title from Holly”

Aiden (Los Angeles Angels): “This season, we will be clutch enough to be fun to watch, but just mid enough to miss the playoffs. I know, perfect right?”

Rex (Texas Rangers): “Offense? This season? In this economy? I’m lucky to get a run these days…”

Opal (The Athletics): “This season….I feel ephemeral….it just…none of this ‘feels’ real”

Pilar (Philadelphia Phillies): “This season? I tell the haters to go fuck themselves. And then show them Bryce Harper highlights”

Coen (New York Mets): “This season, money will buy everything. Or I will sob like a newborn baby”

Marla (Miami Marlins): “Where are you going with the camera? I’m the Miami Marlins. I’m an MLB team…no like…I’m being serious. I have plans for the season….”

Grace (Atlanta Braves): “I haven’t felt this disappointed in my team since the games got taken off of TBS”

Nathan (Washington Nationals): “Playing the waiting game is what we have to do here in Washington. Every season…now. I’ll be good again eventually”

Chris (Chicago Cubs): “Look at us. Some things, they always work. Every season”

Bran (Milwaukee Brewers): “This season, this division makes me want to drink”

Cora (St Louis Cardinals): “I said we could. Look at us now…we still have to get there”

Constance (Cincinnati Reds): “The historical precedent for this division to be good this season goes back, all the way to-”

Pratt (Pittsburgh Pirates): “Gambling? The federal government should really investigate Bob Nutting. We’re probably gonna miss the playoffs again this season anyway”

Danielle (Los Angeles Dodgers): “So after I win the World Series again, who should I give a massive bag too? I was thinking Pete Alonso? Maybe Bregman? Maybe Trevor Story, or Stroman…or maybe…we trade for Paul Skenes…or Gunnar Henderson….just get the best players from those poverty franchises that never treat them as good as we do”

Pablo (San Diego Padres): “I show up this season, and I pretend like this isn’t all about to collapse in on itself”

Tatiana (San Francisco Giants): “Next season. I will find a pitcher. Someone. I can’t live with Ryan Walker anymore”

Silver (Arizona Diamondbacks): “Hitters? Hit, Hit, Hit, Home Run. Offense? What’s it about baybee. Defense? Never heard of it? Pitcher? Yeah I’d like one, is she bad?”

Roxy (Colorado Rockies): “You said this was for a What Dinosaur Are You video? I don’t have any plans for the season”

Maple (Toronto Maple Leafs): “First round loss again. I know what we are….”

Liam (Tampa Bay Lightning): “WE ARE GOING TO WIN THE STANLEY CUP. Please”

Porter (Florida Panthers): “This season, I hope to count to three. One Stanley Cup, Two Stanley Cup”

Seymour (Ottawa Senators): “This season….time to not disappoint myself after exceeding my own perceptions. Expectations are a funny thing”

Camden (Montreal Canadiens): “It feels like 93. Je serai génial”

Winslow (Detroit Red Wings): “I will not allow us to go ‘next season, we will break our 12 year playoff drought’. It ends this season or….I don’t now what I’m gonna do”

Sasha (Buffalo Sabres): “I still have a plan, until it changes…or I come up with a better one, or if it doesn’t work”

Benny (Boston Bruins): “A new season brings a new me. I’m excited to see what this team looks like..”

Wanda (Washington Capitals): “We’ve only got one more shot with Ovi…we need to make it count”

Irene (Carolina Hurricanes): “I am going to break through the ceiling this season. Like a hurricane, powerful forcing winds to shove that window open, and emerge through it.

Trent (New Jersey Devils): “We need enough depth scoring to fill a small pool this season. Because I’m not dealing with those problems again”

Cyrus (Columbus Blue Jackets): “I want to do something that’s not hope…the future looks bright. Knowing me, something’s about to go wrong”

Raine (New York Rangers): “I traded for JT Miller. I better make the playoffs. Like….we need to make the playoffs”

Nassau (New York Islanders): “A rebuild that never ends. In that dreamlike haze where we never fade”

Priscilla (Pittsburgh Penguins): “My goal is to never rebuild. I’m going to push the Crosby wagon as far as it can go and cause all the fucking problems I want as I do”

Phoebe (Philadelphia Phillies): “I want a mean goalie this season. One that dress you to score while looking like they could kill you”

Juniper (Winnipeg Jets): “I’m not touching that cursed idol of a trophy this season. I want to be more than just a second round exit”

Day (Dallas Stars): “This season? Well…I’m up for whatever, trades, firings, signings, anything that’s not Mark Stone”

Everett (Colorado Avalanche): “We’ve got to get another this season. Well…not go too…but it is needed”

Meadow (Minnesota Wild): “I just need that one playoff series victory. I just need it this season”

Bruce (St Louis Blues): “Making bold moves. I always want to be more than just a feel good story”

Uriel (Utah Mammoth): “Last season, I was an outsider, something of a placeholder. I’m ready to finally feel like I belong to the League”

Melody (Nashville Predators): “I’m on the hunt this season…for something that’s worthy of the title of music. The music of the ice, skates, blades, pucks, sticks, hits, shots, saves, gloves, goals”

Chance (Chicago Blackhawks): “Connor Bedard is going to have to be awesome every season. Or else…I just feel empty”

Virgil (Las Vegas Golden Knights): “Mitch Marner is good at hockey. I added him to the team. I want to be good at hockey”

Kyra (Los Angeles Kings): “I need the top seed this season so I can duck Cameron. If I lose to him 5 years in a row, something really embarrassing might happen and I am not about that life”

Cameron (Edmonton Oilers): “This season, if I see Porter in the Stanley Cup Final, I will beat him. Hockey will come back to where it belongs”

Blaze (Calgary Flames): “We’re gonna burn brighter than ever before. And we will light up the night so bright that it will eclipse anything Cameron has tried”

Chucky (Vancouver Canucks): “Guess I’ll continue to suffer. At least Boeser is staying with us”

Anna (Anaheim Ducks): “I’m tired of being called a ‘power of friendship’, ‘disney aah franchise’. We’re gonna win again this season, and by digging deep, giving everything we have”, it feels like Anna’s voice raises for a second, sounding like a cartoon character, “we’re gonna show everyone why they were wrong. Anaheim Ducks to the Stanley Cup-”

Salacia (Seattle Kraken): “Collecting ticket revenue…is fun. Signing veteran defensive help for the season is fun too. I just want….I want to make people uncomfortable”, Salacia starts making kraken noises as she dives under the camera’s field of view.

Sandy (San Jose Sharks): “SANDY’S ONE STOP SHOP FOR BAD CONTRACT DUMPS FOR DRAFT CAPITAL IS STILL OPEN!! DUMP YOUR BAD CONTRACTS FOR DRAFT CAPITAL THIS SEASON! And do it fast because I might be good before I’m ready for it”

Pryce (Philadelphia Union): “Nothing like home grown talent to get ya to the top of table this season”

Clay (FC Cincinnati): “TQL for the second half of the season. Home, is where the heart is. It’s also where the ticket revenue is…and the homefield advantage…and the ultras…and the no travelling…and good ol fashioned Skyline Chili”

Allegro (Nashville SC): “Just cuz I sound country don’t mean I know how to make a country song? You think I could just bust out and start singing about Chris Applewhite coming into his own this season? Not a chance buddy”

Cypher (Columbus Crew): “The system works to perfection. Interlocking players and schemes. Every match is a problem I solve. This season and every one after”

Oliver (Orlando City SC): “This summer, watch Marco Pasalic score goals, in Orlando City, looking for a MLS Cup”, Oliver breaks the narrator voice he was trying for his normal voice, a weird hybrid English-Floridian accent, “I want them coming here instead of Disney mate, we’re a show unto ourselves”

Concord (New York City FC): “We can patch holes with the B Squad, right out the Hudson, nothing’s ever needed to change…god I wanted to get Modric and KDB this season…it would have been so cool…”

Beckham (Inter Miami): “Knockouts of the Club World Cup. Welcome, me MLS global ambassador and main character of the league”, a bit of noise from the background can be heard before Beckham deadeyes the camera, “Wow, ‘7th in the East’, man shut the fuck up, we’ve played less games”

Raul (New York Redbulls): “The reality that we might be the 4th best team in our brand that has 4 is messing with me…we need to be better next season”

Felicity (Chicago Fire): “Soccer is here to stay in the South Side. Who cares about the ‘White Sox’, we’re here to actually win…even though we haven’t won anything yet. New stadium beats sharing Soldier Field anyway”

Quill (Charlotte FC): “Zaha is here and we’re tenth in the table…no Open Cup either…damn penalties. Why can’t we play every game at home this season!!”

Revere (New England Revolution): “We turned over our roster a bunch, 16 new players this season…it’s not exactly shocking it hasn’t all gelled yet..”

Dixon (DC United): “We are NOT having an identity crisis…we’re just figuring ourselves out this season. Like every season...I miss the 90s and early 2000s”

Tariq (Toronto FC): “We got the contracts off of our books. And now the rest of this season, we start again”

Ashby (Atlanta United): “I thought we’re gonna be good this season, bless my heart”

Mireya (CF Montreal): “Lost early to a CPL team…this season, J'ai l'impression que l'espoir a disparu” 

Stray (San Diego FC): “A rising tide raises all ships they say, I’m rocking every boat in this league every season I can”

Snowdrop (Vancouver Whitecaps): “Brian White, Soccer in the Summer, Vancouver Whitecaps. Here I am and here I stay. This season, I prove what I am”

Meris (Minnesota United): “The loon beckons. Taken into her call, you are lost to the abyss. Forever, when you enter Allianz Field. This season, and every other”

Dipper (Portland Timbers): “We’re scraping by every game. Like we need a mystery journal to unlock all the tactics to make our team the best it can be…”

Sterling (Seattle Sounders): “We’re so close to something real. The Club World Cup opened my eyes. This season, I will try to unlock the version of this team I know it can be”

Eddy (San Jose Earthquakes): “All we do is score, score and score some more. We’re gonna have corny signs too at our matches. Every season”

Pomona (LA FC): “I’m glad to be a member of the Club World Cup, for money. Now back to the season”

Rory (Colorado Rapids): “For the rest of the season, we will learn how to defend a lead. No more rapid lead distingrations, NO PUN INTENDED”

Giles (Austin FC): “Swapped out esoteric fun for Texas grit. I wonder if we can get the best of both worlds, season after season”

Hyman (Houston Dynamos): “Like the oil rigs of old, we will control the fuel of the match, every season”

Davis (FC Dallas): “This roster? TBD. Our team chemistry? TBD. Our team identity? TBD? My grades? TBD. We’ll figure it out as the season goes on…well.. Mr. Hunt will figure it out for us…”

Sullivan (Sporting KC): “I want to be exemplary, I always have good grades, study class materials, pay attention to the teacher. Doesn’t seem to matter if this hodgepodge of talent is never gonna gel”

Rimmon (Real Salt Lake): “I’m open to something new this season. After breaking every record, we’re back where we started. But that’s maybe expected”

Slayton (St Louis SC): “No reason to rush things for no reason, whether it’s  a long assignment or a painstaking rebuild. I’ll get there season over season”

Lando (LA Galaxy): “At least I’ll always have that MLS cup ... .last season was a dream…”

Ivy (Indiana Fever): “My players can do whatever they want after winning the Commissioner's Cup this season….”, Ivy audibly sighs, “Don’t look into it too much….it’s just Instagram sillies…”

Zora (Chicago Sky): “What if I had Angel Reese, go up to the season standing table, and try to rebound our losses into wins?”

Pixel (Phoenix Mercury): “This season, this team is kind of like a politician. We’re positionless”

Willow (Minnesota Lynx): “Let them have their flash, their instagram videos, their big stars. I’ll just have another WNBA trophy”

Diana (New York Liberty): “This season, I continue to carry all of New York sports on my back. Like, seriously. You have like 80 teams and Sabrina Ionescu has to carry it all”

Jasper (Dallas Wings): “This season, I’m running up on you, having Paige Bueckers drop 20 on you, and losing by 20+ anyway”

Ace (Las Vegas Aces): “A’ja Wilson still runs this fucking town ya leeches, ya got that ya no good dick bags”

Athena (Washington Mystics): “Gazing into the oracle, I see a bright future for this team after this season. And even this season”

Avery (Atlanta Dream): “This season, we’re effective behind the arc. This Britney Griner character is also pretty good at Basketball. I can see why she was once a hostage, that hooping is a geopolitical asset”

Sierra (Seattle Storm): “How do you walk back all that offseason hype? Like…this season hasn’t gone to plan…sigh”

Canaan (Connecticut Sun): “This season didn’t happen, it wasn’t canon”

Stella (Los Angeles Sparks): “Listen…on paper…full strength. I have a squad. Get ready Los Angeles, you have a new team about to matter…next season”

Gale (Golden State Valkyries): “Eheeehee. I love Basketball. Can’t wait for every season after this”

The video cuts back around to the Principal.

Principal Rozelle: “This season, everyone has a chance to be someone new”

After watching the full video, Jason shakes his head in a jerking motion. 

Jason (Toronto Argonauts): “Oh, just what I expected”

Margo (Maryland Whipsnakes): “Part of me found that endearing”

Silo (San Francisco Unicorns): “I did as well”

Kale remains standing, their expression morphing and twisting into something that’s like a smirk, but less cocky in a sense. 

Kale (Every Team): “It’s a constant river of dreams and thoughts to my head. This is the world I’m familiar with. Getting every memory, feeling everyone rushing through my veins”

Kale looks around, the visor giving them a vision of the world distorted in green.

Silo: “Greenie vision”

Jason: “They’re everyone…I imagine this is what they feel, but for them it’s times one million”

Silo: “What do you mean by they’re everyone?”

Jason: “I mean…”

Kale: “I’m everyone”

Jason: “I’ve got my brothers and sisters, participating in the mirage ... .I'm not quite sure how to feel?”

Margo: “Do you feel…colonized?”

Jason: “In a sense….in a sense…”

Jason begins to walk out of the room.

Jason: “Your ambitions are higher than mine…you want to spread your wings to the stars. I just want to survive…”

And then he turns the corner, and is gone. 

Margo: “He seems real chipper”

Silo: “I don’t really blame him…”

Kale: “In our life, we have to represent something, there’s a lot to feel bitter about it”

Margo: “I guess I get it”

The shout of a teacher can be heard from the hallway.

Professor Preston: “Margo. Silo. Come back out we need to move another camera”

Margo: “Alright, guess I’ll see you later ghost girl”

Silo: “Yeah…see ya around”

The two sort of awkwardly shuffle out of the room as Kale remains. 

Kale: “This school is so much bigger than you’d believe…”

(6:30 PM)

The school dance is set to be held in the cleared out commons hall, because where else would a school put a school dance, if not the cafeteria area. 

Kale sits on a table, looking out towards the door from where they’re sitting. It’s been a little quiet, with students trickling in. Of course, some students were already staying in late anyway. Whether to be at this dance, to help, to study before going home, whatever, they’re here. 

At the door, some of the trickling students finally start to congregate. Logan sits down at a table, right next to some others. His Laker Purple long pants feel awkward on him, he’s not used to having air restricted that much. His Laker Gold jacket filling around him. Cecile sits with her Celtics Green dress, very simple and plain, but very her, with a decal of Lucky the Leprechaun on her back. Samuel stands right next to them, a pinstripe red suit going with Sox Red gloves and a baseball cap. Danielle is also in the vicinity, with her Dodger Blue jacket accented with two white decals of the logo at her shoulders, with a blue undershirt, and long pants of her own.

Cecile (Boston Celtics): “Ugh…there’s two of them…”

Samuel (Boston Red Sox): “Gross”

Logan (Los Angeles Lakers): “Well, I needed a date who thinks like me, and understands what being the best is about?”

Danielle (Los Angeles Dodgers): “And I needed a date who thinks like me, and understands what being the best is about”

Cecile: “Unholy union”

At the mention of an unholy union, someone else nearby interjects into the conversation. He looks more like a preacher, but still has something of a youthful face. 

Rimmon (Real Salt Lake): “Sorry, but the Bible says it’s perfectly holy, union between man and woman, as long as both have not sinned”

Samuel: “You consult that book for everything?”

Rimmon: “I live my life according to god’s teachings”

Samuel: “So are you poly or not?”

Rimmon: “Come again-”

Logan: “I want to make a joke here”

Cecile: “Oh my god, shut up”

Rimmon: “How crass of you, clear your mind of dirty thoughts. Christ compels you”

Luther (New Orleans Saints): “Did someone say, Christ?”

Rimmon: “Luther! I haven’t seen you since church on Sunday”

Danielle: “So…like…not that long”

Rimmon: “I haven’t seen Uriel in a bit either….maybe I should text him and ask him where he is”

Suddenly, Salacia walks through the door, a brown burlap sack over her back.

Salacia (Seattle Kraken): “Hey ladies…and others. Here to get my swag on”

Rimmon: “What’s with the burlap sack?”

Salacia: “Oh….nothing”

Muffled noises start coming from the sack.

Rimmon: “It sounds like someone is in the sack”

The sack falls out of Salacia’s hands, and onto the floor, out of the sack, comes Uriel. Still in his classroom clothes, not dressed up like the rest of them. Wearing his Utah Mammoth sweater.

Rimmon: “Uhm…you have some explaining to do sir?’

Luther: “My my”

Samuel: “I should have stayed home”

Uriel (Utah Mammoth): “That crazy psycho kidnapped me”

Salacia: “Weird way to say you agreed  to come with me?”

Uriel: “I said, ‘sure maybe’, and then you’re dragging me off in a burlap sack”

Rimmon: “Okay…Uriel…we’re gonna have a talk about setting you up with a nice religious girl”

Uriel: “Bruh moment”

Someone else whips their head around a corner.

Jonah (Utah Jazz): “RImmon? Are you trying to get Uriel to date a choir girl again?”

Rimmon: “No…that only happened…once”

Cecile: “Taking living by god’s teachings a bit too literally”

Luther: “What do you want people like us to do? Put words in his mouth?”

Kale looks back at the table, and they sigh to themselves, their eyes dart around again, to another congregated group of students. 

Gale (Golden State Valkyries): “This is my first school dance…I’m excited eee eeee”

Gale is dressed in their classic school garb, not dressing up. Stray, standing next to her, is also not dressed up for the occasion. His hair shaking around like cascading waves. He looks like he’d be a surfer in another lifetime.

Stray (San Diego FC): “Mine too…although I expected…I don’t know…more fanfare?”

Gale: “It’s still exciting eee eee”

Stray: “I guess it is. I wonder if this ever gets old for the seasoned veterans”

Someone else looks at the two of them. His features look weathered and battered by time. He’s not wearing anything fancy, just a faded Cardinals T-Shirt with glasses and black shorts. 

Rhys (Arizona Cardinals): “Heh…yeah…it gets old eventually”

Stray: “And you are?”

Rhys: “Old. I’m old as dust”

Gale: “Bitter much?”

Rhys: “Very much”

He closes his eyes for a moment and thinks. 

Rhys: “I remember back when this school was more…untamed, more unwound”

He continues to remember. 

Rhys: “Back when were loose cannons, just guys running around with no plan, no idea on what to do. It was the wild west…we were just kids, and now there’s people like you born into this sterile life…part of me wants to go back to untamed majesty. Back to when we were just…free…It’s weird…but I miss it”

Gale: “Huh?”

Stray: “Yeah…let’s leave this grouch behind”

Kale thinks to themselves, they remember a more primal world. Something that wasn’t this. When everyone had first started out.

(7:45 PM)

The actual school dance had finally started in earnest, teacher chaperones begrudgingly showing up for this event to make sure nothing stupid happens. As one of them stands up, another one shows up with two cups of Fruit Punch. 

Mr. Crieghton: “Porter whips up a mean fruit punch, I wouldn’t think he’d be so chipper coming off of another Stanley Cup?”

Mr. Naismith: “Winning enables all, Mr. Crieghton”

Mr. Crieghton: “What’s got you feeling so antsy”

Mr. Naismith: “I’d rather be at home”

Mr. Crieghton: “That makes two of us”

Mr. Naismith takes the Fruit Punch cup. 

Kale is still looking around, really flying under the radar. They’re now on the makeshift stage, Wyatt was supposed to be the DJ for the night, but he’s asleep at his post, head on the keyboard. Selecting songs with his face. 

As “Died in Your Arms” started for the 3rd time that night, Kale watched someone else go up to the sleeping Wyatt to go and wake him up.

Quinn (Washington Commanders): “Hey, sleepyhead”

Quinn shakes him a little, causing Wyatt to stir to reality.

Wyatt (Washington Wizards): “Yeah…oh hi Quinn…”

Quinn: “Why are you so sleepy?”

Wyatt: “Watching Cam Whitmore highlights”

Quinn: “What?”

Wyatt: “I was up all night watching Cam Whitmore highlights”

Quinn: “Huh? Why?”

Wyatt: “I don’t know…cuz I didn’t have a dance partner I guess”

Quinn: “You’re the DJ?”

Wyatt: “Well…I’m only the DJ cuz…I’m the only one who applied for it…”

Someone else stands behind the two of them. Unlike the jerseys over too-large hoodies both Wyatt and Quinn rock. She’s got a cowboy hat on, tank top with no shirt, a cowboy belt and long yellow khakis. 

Allegro (Nashville SC): “Yeah so…I was just about to ask if I could take over…we’re kind of tired of listening to this song..even if it is a classic”

Wyatt: “Oh yeah…yeah you can have it…”

Allegro: “Sweet”

Allegro takes the reigns from Wyatt and starts playing Michael Ray, almost immediately.

Wyatt: “I feel duped”

Allegro: “Do you want your post back?”

Wyatt: “No…”

Allegro: “Alrighty then”

Wyatt steps off of the stage with Quinn, yawning as he does so.

Wyatt: “Do you mind if…”, Wyatt yawns again, “you…take me back home…”

Quinn: “Really?”

Wyatt: “I want to watch Cam Whitmore highlights”

Someone from the crowd turns and sees Wyatt. Her jet black jacket with red accents, a rockets logo decal on the back, with red glasses. She turns to look at Wyatt.

Hayley (Houston Rockets): “Say…did you say Cam Whitmore?”

Wyatt: “I did?”

Hayley: “You can have him”

Wyatt: “Oh…okay…”

Kale takes their eyes off of the scene, looking at Allegro on the sets, before looking up to the ceiling. They start a slow methodical walk, trying to get to the exit door to use the bathroom. 

They absorb bits of the various conversations as they pass. 

Oscar (Baltimore Orioles): “You think that we’re gonna be the most disapointing team of 2025”

Grace (Atlanta Braves): “Not if we have anything to say about it”

Just moving through.

Ivy (Indiana Fever): “Isn’t it crazy how we beat the supposed best team in the league without CC”

Willow (Minnesota Lynx): “Just keep drinking your drink”

Just moving through the crowd.

Dot (Golden State Warriors): “We can sign Al Horford, that’s enough for us to win the West this year”

Chip (Chicago Bulls): “Just give me Kuminga so we can go 41-41 every year”

And they keep walking

Nassau (New York Islanders): “Still don’t appreciate you not letting us back into the round for Hagens”

Benny (Boston Bruins): “Again…if you wanted him. You should have taken him”

Until she’s out of there.

Kale emerges from the stall in the bathroom, having done what she came there for. As she does that, two faces appear in the Bathroom Mirrors. These are two old faces. One of them wrapped in a veil of green vines, obscuring her face. The other, has a pale white mask, with antlers jutting out. They clearly have a disdain for each other. 

Agamemnon: “Hello, my child”

Astraea: “My child”

Kale thinks for a second. 

Kale: “What do you both want?”

Agamemnon: “What I want is simple…the strong surviving”

Astraea: “What I want is simple…for everyone to have a chance”

Kale: “So what, the Curator of Dynasties and Maiden of Parity both want to peak in on me while i’m in the bathroom for a school dance”

Agamemnon: “It’s more like persuasion, the second you pick one of us over the other, our ideology is proven right”

Astraea: “We’re going to keep presenting you with this choice until you pick a side, me or him”

Kale thinks for a second. 

Kale: “Like every other time you ask me this question…I decline. I’m just here to observe, nothing more”

Agamemnon: “You still possess a coward’s will, Kale, Avatar of Every Team, you will pick a side one of these days”

Astraea: “I am patient, I know eventually,,,,you will chose a path to follow”

Both voices vanish from the mirror. 

Kale: “The only path I follow is my own…”

Kale sits outside of the commons, alone again. Just sort of looking around. Seeing everyone at the dance, picking their partners, making their choices. It makes them feel alien. Like something of an outsider. Until someone sees them, sitting by themselves. 

Wolf (Kansas City Chiefs): “Hey…I don’t think I’ve seen you around…”

Kale turns to look at the figure, his Patrick Mahomes jersey covering what, to the observant, is an unimpressive physical frame. 

Kale: “Kansas City Chiefs, I know who you are”

Wolf: “Okay, I know who I am? Who are you?”

Kale: “Who am I, always a loaded question?”

Wolf: “Are you a witch? Because…this doesn’t help the black magic allegations?”

Kale: “So why so insecure..”

Wolf: “I’m tired of just….people just saying ‘luck’, ‘lucky’, ‘refs’. Like…is the ability to hold the ball last in a close game not a skill? Is drawing the right calls from the officials, also not a skill?”

Kale laughs for a second. 

Kale: “I think you share a different take from the vast majority”

Wolf looks them dead in the eyes.

Wolf: “So…who are you?”

Kale: “Again, loaded question”

Wolf: “Come on!! I’m begging for an answer”

Kale: “Why so needy?”

Wolf: “I guess it comes from having to come up from nothing. To be this feel good story that’s then warped when you start winning too much…”

Wolf sighs. 

Wolf: “People used to like me and now they don’t? And it’s not because I’m a paranoid superstitious mess, it’s because they’re jealous of me!!”

Kale laughs again, lower, a bit more undetected. 

Wolf: “Okay…so…will you tell me who you are?”

Kale thinks on it for a second, and decides to speak. 

Kale: “I guess I’m everyone, including you”

Wolf: “Huh? How does that work?”

Kale: “It just does, so no need to question it”

Wolf laughs for a second. 

Wolf: “Okay yeah, this world’s a crazy place”

Kale: “We’re all in it together”

Wolf sits down next to Kale. 

Wolf: “I guess….what happens to us in the worst of scenarios?”

Kale: “I don’t know…my dreams aren’t that dark”

Wolf: “Mine are”

Kale: “Funny that I’m everyone, yet we don’t dream the same…but I sense your nihilistic tendencies. It’s a recurring trend”

Wolf: “There are the new Chiefs fans who know nothing but joy…but the rest of them are tortured souls…like me…it’s just…it wasn’t easy…”

They sit in silence for a second. 

Kale: “I’ve always felt content to just observe”

Wolf: “Well…how about you actually talk to some people? This is a social function?”

Kale: “Why are you interested”

Wolf: “Boredom. Been a slow offseason by my standards”

Kale laughs to themselves. 

Kale: “Okay then…sure I’m everyone…but that doesn’t mean I know everything”

Kale stands up, and Wolf eagerly runs past them, beckoning farther into the school.

Because in a new season, even they get another chance.

Chapter Text

(8:15 PM)

A school dance normally isn’t seen as the type of opportunity to change your entire worldview, You show up, stand around, maybe have a date if you’re lucky, and then you leave after you realize you spent 3 hours standing around looking awkward. That one magical night that changes everything is often a myth. Well, Kale’s gonna get themselves the opportunity to change their worldview, not through grand romantic gesture, but through just talking to people. 

Wolf (Kansas City Chiefs): “I’m not normally this honest”

Kale (Every Team): “A lot of people normally aren’t, it’s just something that happens around me…I’m not sure why”

Wolf: “Maybe because you’re everyone”

Wolf tries leading Kale through the crowd, and they stumble upon a group of people. 

Dixon (DC United): “Uh, are they allowed to be here?”

Quill (Charlotte FC): “Chill. They’re my business partner”

Derby (Derby County): “Yeah, I’m just here to get Patrick Agyemang”

Kale and Wolf stop at the edge of this conversation. 

Wolf: “Foreign teams? Was there a guest policy?”

Kale: “You should know this was an open event”

Dixon turns his head to the two people who have shown up. 

The two get a better look at Dixon, wearing a tailored suit, complete with a DC United tie. He looks like a secret service agent, but not matching the physical profile that much. 

Dixon: “I didn’t know like…I figured they’d match similar domestic policies-”

Quill: “Okay Dixon, your team is less accurate than a turret in a snowstorm, why should I expect your priorities to be accurate”

Dixon: “HEY! You’re an underachiever too. Experts said you would win MLS Cup”

Derby: “Yeah, that’s why I’m here”

 The two turn away from the debacle going on, when Wolf’s phone starts to ring. 

Wolf: “Hold on I gotta take this”

Kale waits for a second, waiting for Wolf to finish this interruption. In the darkened cafeteria, they can see Wolf less and less, wondering how he can hear over the music, which has diverged from Allegro’s country fueled rampage. 

Wolf: “Wait…it’s here NOW? Well thanks for telling me…I’ll be over there to sign on the package”

Wolf puts down his phone.

Kale: “Explanation”

Wolf: “Ordered about a kilogram of yellow fairy dust, 200 grams of salt and 100 grams of daffodil petals, it’s for the rituals to curse the rest of my opponents with flags”

Kale: “Rituals?”

Wolf: “I like to tell myself it works”

Wolf looks at Kale, feeling a little bad, but this delivery is important to him. 

Kale: “I get it, no hard feelings”

Wolf: “Okay thanks…if you’re still here come back for me…please”

Wolf then darts out of there, gunning for their house so he can sign off of on the delivery.

Kale wafts around after Wolf had to bail, just looking around. They didn’t think they’d be an observer again so soon. Just taking in bits of the conversations. 

Sandy (San Jose Sharks): “So yeah, I think Misa is NHL ready?”

Nassau (New York Islanders): “You think?”

Sandy: “Well yeah I think”

Nassau: “My guy is”

Sandy: “Yeah and I would have taken him if you took Hagens”

Walking around, aimlessly again. 

Mr. Crieghton: “This is a school dance, you can stop worrying about your roster construction”

Wanda (Washington Capitals): “You don’t get it, I have to win another ring before Ovi retires. So I’ve gotta get this right”

Wanda scribbles notes down in her pad as Kale walks around some more. 

Kale finally walks past someone who seems to notice them. 

Liam (Tampa Bay Lightning): “Hey, it’s you again!”

Kale looks back at Liam, their face lightening up with a feeling that’s foreign to them, happiness for recognition. It’s strange.

Liam: “Okay, well ghost of the mountain, what do you exactly have to say”

Kale: “You only have to rebuild if you want too, some teams reload, figure out the strategy”

Liam: “Huh, are you invested in my success or something?”

Kale: “Your success and failure is part of me”

Liam: “I got it, we’re together no matter what”

Kale: “Hello, Tampa Bay Lightning”

Liam: “You can just call me Liam”

Kale sighs to themselves. 

Kale: “Alright then, Liam”

Liam looks at their expression, despite looking distant, he can tell from their body language that they don't’ exactly feel comfortable here.

Liam: You look out of your element, mountain ghost”

Kale: “You can just call me Kale”

Liam: “Right, that’s your name”

Liam thinks for a second, trying to read Kale’s expression behind her visor covered eyes.

Liam: “Say, you’re not used to being in the spotlight are you?”

Kale: “I will say, it’s hard for me. I feel like I should know everything but I’m learning as I go with you”

Liam: “Me and everyone else”

Kale laughs a little. 

Kale: “You understand it now”

Liam: “So..”

Kale: “Met that Wolf character, told me to talk to more people, not sure why I listened”

Liam: “Hey, he’s one, I’m one. You talk to enough people maybe you get a feeling for what being us is actually like”

Kale: “I guess I can do that”

Kale drifts off as Liam just watches them leave. 

Liam: “They’re cool”

Cameron (Edmonton Oilers): “Hey Liam, can I have Isaac Howard?”

Liam: “Fuck off buddy”

Kale remains standing against a wall, just sort of watching various people. Their green visor shows them the world through a verdant lens. 

Chip (Chicago Bulls): “Dude, you haven’t mattered since the 80s”

Walter (Chicago Bears): “YOU haven’t mattered since the 90s. Who are you one to talk”

Chip: “Cuz I got six rings”

Kale continues looking around. 

Tatiana (San Francisco Giants): “I feel very confident about our team”

Silver (Arizona Diamondbacks): “You shouldn’t be, your offense has no juice”

Tatiana: “Funny…we still have a defense”

Silver: “All I’m saying is that you can’t win consistently if you can’t score”

Tatiana: “Yeah…and you can’t win when runners get home against you every time your pitching staff blinks. And it’s like you’ve got no defenders out there”

Kale continues looking around until someone else runs into them. 

Ito (Cleveland Guardians): “Say, I don’t recall seeing you before”

Kale: “Not a lot of people have, Cleveland Guardians”

Ito: “I wonder, what do you want”

Kale: “It’s not about what I want, it’s about what you want”

Ito: “Me? I don’t want for much. Just contemplation and good Baseball”

Kale: “A lot of people want the former…the latter too I suppose”

Ito: “This season I only get the first”

Kale: “I understand that you want to matter”

Ito: “Not even that…I just want to do my purpose. For too long I’ve been a wanderer with nothing to show for it…”

Kale: “I relate to the last part, but what do you believe your purpose is?”

Ito: “It’s why we’re all here….to win…at least it should be why…”

Ito nods and then turns to walk away. 

Ito: “I don’t know your name…you seem to me like you are wise beyond your appearance”

And with that, Ito walks off, walking off into the cafeteria. 

Kale continues standing in position. Allegro has interesting taste as a DJ, to put it bluntly. 

Sierra (Seattle Storm): “Is that song even from this century?”

Allegro (Nashville SC): “Fun fact, it’s not”

Kale shakes their head, waiting for someone else to show up. Just continuing to wait. 

Chris (Chicago Cubs): “Why did I ever agree to go with you?”

Cora (St Louis Cardinals): “Why did I ever agree to go with YOU?”

Chris: “Fuck you mean? This was YOUR idea”

Chris is dressed in that timeless Cubs vest with a Baseball cap, while Cora wears an old worn out red jacket with a faded Cardinals logo.

Cora: “NO, it was YOUR idea. You were like, ‘wow Cora, bet you’d never go out with me because I’m out of your league’, that’s what you said”

Chris: “I remember YOU saying that, all you ever wanted to do was go, ‘wow, I convinced that moron to go on a date with me’, wow, classic”

Cora: “Nuh uh, that was your decision”

Bruce (St Louis Blues): “Do they ever stop bickering?”

Chance (Chicago Blackhawks): “You should know the answer by now”

Chris: “Nuh uh”

Cora: “Yuh huh”

Chris: “Nuh uh”

Cora: “YUH HUH”

Kale sighs to themselves just waiting, before, out of the corner of their eyes, they see someone else. This woman looks strange to her, covered head to toe in various shades of purple. Dressed more like she’s about to start a cult than do anything else. All while chanting a mantra to herself.

Juno (Sacramento Kings): “Light the beam, Light the beam, Light the beam”

She chants it low to herself until she sees Kale.

Juno: “Oh hey…didn’t see ya there”

Kale: “Hello…uh…do I call you Sacramento Kings or Lighter of Beams”

Juno: “Both and also Juno”

Kale: “Like, Juno - Sacramento Kings, Lighter of Beams”

Juno: “You understand it now”

Kale: “Funny, I understand less than I did before”

Juno: “Who needs logic when you have a bright purple skybeam”

Kale: “Are you happy in your world void of logic?”

Juno: “You tell me?”

Kale: “Huh?”

Juno: “Do I look happy to you”

Kale: “I guess you do…”

Juno: “That answers your question”

Kale: “I believe your fans might not be happy”

Juno: “I gave them one good season, that should be enough right?”

Kale: “No…it rarely is…”

Juno: “Oh well, I will keep trying again, because I do like winning”

Kale: “Why…do you like winning”

Juno: “Come on, you know what’s coming”

Kale: “Light the beam?”

Juno: “YOU GOT IT SISTER”

Juno throws her hands in the air and walks away from Kale. 

Kale: “I’m everyone but I feel so far away from her specifically….”

Kale is somewhere else now, more illuminated by the on and off pink lights. They can eye a conversation between two people by the light station, trying to figure out colors and specifics. 

Meris (Minnesota United): “You need to have the lights actually meet what’s going on in the cafeteria. Like, the mood and stuff”

Polly (New England Patriots): “They are lights, this isn’t a mood ring”

Meris: “I don’t mean literally but like…you have different colors depending on the song, if it’s somber and slower you go cool colors, if it’s high energy you go warm colors”

Polly: “And why would we do that? It doesn’t effect their enjoyment in the party”

Meris: “It sets ambiance Polly”

Polly: “What ambience, they are lights?”

Meris: “But they can be so much more”

Kale shakes their head and looks around, just panning their head around till they pick up a conversation that catches their ears. 

Virgil (Las Vegas Golden Knights): “Why so…profane…”

Ace (Las Vegas Aces): “By cussin at people and call em cunts, and whores, and bitches, and bastards, and assbags, and asswipes, and dickbags, and cockwads, and pussies, and shitsticks, and halfwits, and *****, they know I mean business”

Virgil: “That was…graphic…”

Ace: “Well now you know I mean business”

Virgil: “ You can articulate that without cuss words, you can have….a friendly tone and approach”

Ace: “Okay, you show me how you approach business”

Virgil: “Hello sir or mam, would you like to engage in business with me?”

Ace: “Where’s the flair, you sound like an auto response machine?”

Virgil: “That’s the point, to sound, like you want business”

Ace: “Yeah I’ll stick to the way I do things you leaky oil can”

Kale shakes their head again as someone else walks up to them. 

Dipper (Portland Timbers): “Hey, Hi there, Hello-”

Kale: “Three hellos, Portland Timbers”

Dipper: “Oh…well…sorry…it’s just I wanted to ask you something, you look like you’ve been around”

It’s clear this Dipper character is out of his element, not used to being so forward. 

Dipper: “Have you seen a gnome? Like, small”

Kale laughs. 

Kale: “ That was far from the first question I expected to hear”

Dipper: “Well…have you seen it. 

Kale: “No”

Dipper sighs in frustration, his Portland Timbers cap falling off as he bows his head, he quickly scrambles to grab it. 

Kale: “You sound like a nervous wreck”

Dipper: “Yeah sorry…it’s just I don’t perform the best at social functions”

Kale: “Everyone’s got their strengths”

Dipper: “What are you good at? Standing there looking all wise and stuff?”

Kale raises an eyebrow at Dipper.

Dipper: “No offense…of course”

Kale: “I’d say I’m more…empathetic…understanding I guess…being everyone”

Dipper: “Okay…I’m not sure how that makes sense but…I’m gonna-”

Dipper fetches his hand into his pockets and pulls out his journal, he starts to roughly sketch Kale.

Dipper: “I’m gonna make a note of you”

Kale: “Oh..okay?”

After being interrogated by Dipper for a few seconds, Kale was once again left by themselves, and they wandered outside of the cafeteria this time, growing tired of Allegro’s DJ skills, or lack thereof.

Still, there are people here, and Kale catches some of the words as they sit innocuous. In plain sight but still passed over.

Andy (Atlanta Hawks): “So, if Jalen Johnson stays healthy, if Zacharie Risache develops, if Trae Young goes back to his prime form, if KP stays healthy and if Dyson Daniels keeps up his form, we MIGHT, escape the play-in”

Falkner (Atlanta Falcons): “What about your blood-oath?”

Brook : “Well Andy, shut up, this benefits us, you might escape the play-in”

Andy : “We actually signed a blood oath to always be in the play-in with the NBA”

Brook : “Okay then…weirdo”

Andy: “Blood oath, shmood oath. It was a joke anyway”

Falkner: “Yeah…a joke”

Andy: “Your pass rush has been a joke”

Falkner: “It won’t be anymore”

Andy: “Uh, IDK”

Falkner: “Yeah, and you won’t lose in the play-in to the Tatum-less Celtics, fs”

Andy: “Maybe we won’t”

Falkner: “Well regardless…at least we’re not Grace”

Grace (Atlanta Braves): “This season sucks”

Kale sighs and looks down at their watch, and they look up to see someone smiling at them.

Gale (Golden State Valkyries): “Hello…haven’t seen you around”

Kale: “I haven’t seen you around either young one”

Gale: “You don’t look very old to me”

Kale: “i feel old”

Gale: “Huh…I guess you can feel old but not be old”

Kale: “Do you feel young?”

Gale: “I guess…it still feels surreal”

Kale: “What does?”

Gale: “Being here…”

Kale: “Explain”

Gale: “Well…people like me…most of our lives were spent in the hypothetical, so when we finally graduate to here….to be a part of this place. It feels special, ya know”

Gale smiles and looks around with Kale giving an understanding nod. 

Kale: “Got it, you’re appreciative of the world”

Gale: “It’s more like, I’m appreciative of the opportunity to be appreciative…”

Gale smiles again before turning to run off. 

Gale: “Well it was fun talking to you stranger”

Kale: “Where are you going”

Gale: “Somewhere else…If I eventually return to just being a dream, I want to have no regrets”

And Gale runs off to enjoy life. 

Kale looks around, her visor concealing her true look, one of pride in that person they barely know.

Kale: “They seem like they know what they’re doing”

(9:45 PM)

Kale stands back in the cafeteria, the hours have started to wane on this event, with a few students getting tired or going home early. The performative begins to give way to the real this late into the night. 

In one corner of the cafeteria, stands Corey trying to tie up his old suit again, his tie came undone the last time he came to a dance like this. With his somewhat formal attire is a Clippers suit jacket, with the old logo engraved onto the back. His partner here is Cassidy, who’s wearing that classic Maroon Cavs jacket she always does.

Cassidy (Cleveland Cavaliers): “i do wonder why you never changed the logo on the jacket”

Corey (Los Angeles Clippers): “I told you already, I try to forget about this suit”

Cassidy: “Well you didn’t tell me why you wanted to forget about this suit the first time”

Corey: “Well…I was wearing it when it happened”

Cassidy: “Oh yeah…it…”

Corey: “Yeah…those rumors you heard…yeah that happened”

Cassidy: “I see…well…it’s surprising”

Corey: “Yeah…you wouldn’t think”

Cassidy: “Makes me think this might actually work”

Corey: “Don’t…this isn’t something that’s going to last”

Cassidy: “You have another hair-brained scheme? Well forget about it. Forget about being under the shadow of Logan…and be yourself”

Corey: “You’re under a shadow as well”

Cassidy: “It’s different for me…I can’t escape the shadow because of what I am…but you can escape yours Corey…I believe”

Corey smiles and decides to take Cassidy’s hand. 

Corey: “I believe in you too”

Cassidy: “Unlike you, I have to prove it first”

Corey: “I have only conference finals to my name, and while it was that bastard’s fault. I have…more to prove”

Cassidy: “Who said it was a competition?”

And at this, Corey starts to laugh a little.

Across the cafeteria, another group is finally getting together. 

Aiden (The Angels): “How do you handle it, just being so invisible?”

Marla (Miami Marlins): “No one’s ever asked me that before…”

Aiden: “Yeah…so answer the question”

Marla: “It feels like that”

Aiden: “Come again?”

Marla: “It feels like…people don’t care about what I actually have to say…they just want an answer out of me”

Marla stays quiet for a second, retracting her hand away from Aiden.

Aiden: “I guess that’s why you’re always so quiet in class”

Marla: “I get it, that’s why you asked me here, just an easy date with the quiet shy girl”

Aiden: “Not at all…actually. I was curious…it’s not like I have anything interesting ever happening to me. I’m trapped in mid purgatory”

Marla: “I see…”

Aiden: “No seriously. I know I’m never…ever…ever gonna do anything worth celebrating again, LA is like a one team town with how irrelevant I am. All Dodger Blue and No Me. It makes me….It makes me feel like you’re the version of me that’s worth caring about if it makes sense…. You,  like, have a direction, something of a purpose. My only purpose was ‘be the 2nd LA team’. ‘Be the Disney team’. You don’t have to keep being ignored”

Aiden looks away.

Aiden: “If that’s…like…what you want…”

Marla looks at Aiden, surprised at his blunt confession. 

Marla: “Really, you really feel that way”

Aiden: “You get the right people in, you can…”

Marla: “So maybe you can?”

Aiden: “Marla. Don’t be ridiculous”

Marla; “Oh…okay”

Kale stands back in their spot, just waiting for something. 

Someone else is right beside them, Kale not noticing until they turn their head. 

Pixel (Phoenix Mercury): “Hello”

Kale: “Hi”

Pixel: “Small crowd, made it easier for me to find you”

Kale: “So you know who I am?”

Pixel: “No, but that makes it more fun”

Kale: “You often seek out strangers?”

Pixel: “You often stand alone in dodgy school cafeterias looking like you stumbled out of a Back to the Future convention?”

Kale: “No…:”

Pixel: “Same here, mainly cuz I already talked to everyone”

Kale: “What about someone like that”

Kale points over to the far corner of the cafeteria, where two other people are talking.

Jason (Toronto Argonauts): “It’s like…and they don’t respect us anymore”

Winnie (Winnipeg Blue Bombers): “See…Jason…you make an excellent point”

Kale gestures back to Pixel.

Pixel: “Oh…well…”

Kale: “Didn’t cross your mind?”

Pixel: “It’s like…they don’t really exist on the same wavelength as us”

Kale: “And how about them?”

Kale gestures again.

Waverly (San Diego Wave): “Yeah, no, I deserve the 3 spot”

Elanor (Washington Spirit): “Fluke draw. It was a fluke, I’d beat you any other day”

And then Kale gestures back to Pixel.

Pixel: “I guess it’s just…hard to leave the bubble”

Kale: “Well you talk to me, maybe try it some time”

Pixel nods and shakes their arms real quick.

Pixel: “Huh…I guess that makes sense…see ya”

And Pixel runs off, Kale sighs again, when they see Wolf coming back.

Wolf (Kansas City Chiefs): “Oh hey, you’re still here”

Kale: “There’s not anywhere else I can go”

Wolf: “Huh…okay”

Kale: “Your tip was helpful…I did get talking to people”

Wolf: “Oh…cool. Sorry, it’s just…I had an allergic reaction to the petals…made me have a bit of a crisis”

Kale laughs for a second. 

Kale: “Looks like you ordered the wrong petals”

Wolf: “it’s not funny, it could derail my whole season”

Kale: “You’ll be fine”

Wolf: “You think?”

Kale: “Have some confidence…haven’t you won Super Bowls?”

Wolf: “Sorry…yeah…maybe I should be louder about it…after I win again…”

Wolf smiles to himself and Kale just shrugs. 

The night will continue to wane on, as everyone leaves one by one, Kale will be the only one who remains. As it has been, as it always will be. 

(Time Unknown)

Inside a hollow tree lies a throne of rotting gold. The gold has dark black mold in it, mold made from the rot of decadence. The Hollow Castle rings empty, with all its regulars gone, but just Agamemnon. The curator of dynasties sits by the window, looking down  Bunto the rotten valley below. Pathetic, he thinks to himself. 

As Agamemnon stands looking over that rotted wastes, he hears someone open the door. 

Graeme (Linfield FC): “Hey Ags, the cycle is about to renew again”

Agamemnon turns his head to look at Graeme. Graeme is one of his ultimate students, the pinnacle of domestic dominance with a record 57 league titles, 

Agamemnon: “Excellent my child, I will prepare the cycle to begin again”

Graeme: “You got it boss, I’ll get ready for my date with Shelbourne”

Agamemnon: “Irish on Irish, how quaintly violent, make sure to kill him early”

Graeme salutes Agamemnon as he runs off. 

Agamemnon walks through the Hollow Castle, his cape flowing with each step. As he walks, he reaches a special room with a special cauldron. The Cauldron of Realms.

Agamemnon: “Astraea can have her bubble, her own parity paradise, I will simply have my violence…and enjoy every second”

And the cycle renews itself again. 

(Time Unknown)

The garden is beautiful at this time of unnight or unmorning. Time isn’t real in Astraea’s garden, every plant growing with the league. Stars swirl around her realm, she gives them all space to shine in her personal realm. The maiden of parity stands over a flowerbed, she’s looking down at the various flowers in the bed. All mostly equal. 

Astraea: “They all have room to grow here…my dreams can be real”

Astraea looks around, seeing other flowers change and bend. As each team makes moves to compete, the shape of the flowers begin to change. Moving and shifting. Astraea herself walks over to a massive tree, filled with pods. Each pod is potential, a new seed that can sprout a new story. The tree is endless, as possibility is endless. She looks up at the seeds.

Astraea: “One day, you will all be planted, if I have my way”

Astraea walks over past the tree, to grab her watering can. She picks it up, and walks back to her gardens, her own curation.

Astraea: “They all get a new chance…because if we don’t give each other more chances, are we really human?”

And with that, Astraea continued gardening, content in her work.

Chapter Text

One of the things that shapes the human experience is how we see each other. You can be seen in a variety of contexts based on behavior if you’re a human. Eat a lot of food? You get called gluttonous and a fatty. Lie a lot? Freaking dishonest bastard. Mean to cute animals? People will want to kill you, making villains hit cute animals is actually an effective writing technique used by writers and directors who don’t know how to develop villains.  Make meth at an attempt to give money for your family because you have cancer? Walter White. 

Dot (Golden State Warriors): “I’ve been watching that show with the front office”

Oh so that’s why you’re not making any free agency moves. 

Dot: “Suddenly I no longer feel welcome here”

Do nothing? Freaking lazy bastard who doesn’t care about winning. 

Roxy (Colorado Rockies): “Oh great, another segment about how I do nothing to win coming up…”

It only happens because it’s true. 

In a school environment, perception changes everything. And in a sports environment, your narrative changes everything. 

Wolf (Kansas City Chiefs): “Win once, ‘wow what a nice story’, win multiple times, ‘oh my god, this team is destroying the fucking sport, Patrick Mahomes is a puppet with a stupid haircut who’s a fraud, Andy Reid is a fat bitch who eats cheeseburgers, Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift are ruining Football and the Refs kiss every player on the forehead before bed’” 

Incoming 8 “I can’t believe Satan has a point” comments. 

Wolf: “Of course….people probably think I would stab someone for a ref call” 

Listen, yeah. 

Anyway, let’s head down to Pro League Academy, and see how the perceptions affect day to day life. 

(7:30 AM)

Pro League Academy is kind of empty in the summer. Well emptier than you’d think. But not completely empty. 

Beckham (Inter Miami): “Guess what everyone, look the face of MLS go”

Everyone just kind of stares at Beckham, not in a captivated way, but more so in an awkward, “why did you just say that” kinda way. 

Dipper (Portland Timbers): “Uh Beckham, not everyone has time for these shenanigans this early in the morning”

Beckham: “You were up bigfoot hunting at 2 AM…”

Dipper: “It was NECESSARY, I swear I saw him-”

Sterling (Seattle Sounders): “Hint nature boy, if you think you saw bigfoot, you didn’t”

Dipper: “I KNOW how to handle myself”

Sterling: “Yeah…I bet when an evil Dorito shows up, you’ll know how to handle it”

Dipper: “As a matter of fact, I would know how”

Quill (Charlotte FC): “Man’s more focused on freaking cryptids than MLS rules”

Dipper: “Nobody knows the MLS rules”

Quill: “Correct”

Salacia (Seattle Kraken): “Rules, smhules. Our CBA changes every 3 years and nobody cares about what’s in it”

Percy (New Orleans Pelicans): “Our last CBA invented the 2nd apron, it’s why we had to send CJ McCollum to the Wizards as eternal punishment for his crimes”

Salacia: “Did it work?”

Percy: “We don’t know yet…”

Salacia: “Right…right…so what’s the punishment. Is he getting tortured under DC? Is he getting made to walk around in an Eagle suit and dance at Senate meetings? Are they making him do laundry for all the rookies, even the 2nd rounders and UDFAs?”

Percy: “Worse…he’s playing for the team”

Salacia: “That is diabolical…one might say inhumane…”

A lot of passers by simply roll their eyes at the shenanigans..

Beckham: “Anyway, so glad to be the main character of Pro League Academy again?”

Danielle (Los Angeles Dodgers): “According to who?”

Beckham: “Uh…me? I have Messi?”

Danielle: “And I have Othani, Freddy Freeman, and uh everyone. Everyone worth caring about in my sport”

Yolanda (New York Yankees): “Funny cuz Judge is the best player in the MLB”

Milton (Seattle Mariners): “It’s Cal actually”

Yolanda: “THAT FRAUD SHOULDN’T BE IN MVP DISCUSSIONS AND YOU KNOW IT”

Milton: “I could write a six page essay on why you’re wrong”

Ivy (Indiana Fever): “No yelling please…the all star game was exhausting…”

Sterling: “Was it hard fought”

Ivy: “No one played defense…too much…”

Ivy yawns.

Ivy: “Too much scoring”

Jasper (Dallas Wings): “Can confirm, it was awful”

Mae (Dallas Mavericks): “Can you score…at least 90 regularly, just for us”

Jasper: “Can you not trade your best player for a squeaky rubber duck and a bag of half-eaten pretzels?”

Mae is quiet for a second, just looking on. 

Quill: “Hey, knowing how to rebuild is an important skill..even though…that’s not really a thing in my sport..that much”

Priscilla (Pittsburgh Penguins): “No, it’s not. Rebuilding is for losers”

Phoebe (Philadelphia Phillies): “I concur”

Riley (Miami Heat): “As do I”

Juno (Sacramento Kings): “As do I my friend”

Riley: “We’re not friends..”

Juno shrugs as Riley rolls her eyes, exasperated at the situation.

(9:30 AM)

Mr. Lavune sits at his desk, looking at the students in his class. It’s a bit dimly lit, but his students are used to being in the spotlight, so this creates a different environment for them. 

Mr. Lavune: “So, welcome to one of my summer lectures, ‘Called What to do if TYTCYHY”

Maple (Toronto Maple Leafs): “Huh?”

Chip (Chicago Bulls): “What do if the YouTuber that covers you hates you”

Maple: “Oooh, wait no, I’m in the wrong classroom”

Mr. Lavune: “He literally wrote a book called ‘This team is ruining my life’, so like..”

Maple: “It’s misconstrued passion, I don’t belong here”

Chip: “I belong here”

Mr. Lavune: “Of course”

Summer (Pittsburgh Steelers): “Huh, looks like I’m here”

Mr. Lavune: “To be fair, I think Tree hates everyone”

Summer: “Yes, he does. It’s part of the branding”

Mr. Lavune: “Why does he even cover sports it seems like all they do is make him angry”

Summer: “Money, cuz if you’ve seen his recent videos, it’s clearly not passion”

Chip: “Damn you can hate back…uh Kenny is uh….bad at making 2K trades….Yeah I got nothing”

Mr. Lavune: “Anyway Summer, you’re actually here because of that Connor guy”

Maple: “Two of them?”

Summer: “It’s okay, my favorite propaganda machine has got me covered”

Mr. Lavune: “I’m sorry? Propaganda Machine?”

Summer: “TouchbackJT. Kinda funny he actually feels like a fan of the team, unlike the other two”

Chucky (Vancouver Canucks): “Kinda crazy how all the fans of teams with multiple rings are the ones that hate their team”

Mr. Lavune: “Oh, Chucky, here you are”

Chucky: “THG doesn’t hate us?”

Mr. Lavune: “He’s a fan of 2 other teams because of all the misery you bring him”

Chucky: “If you actually watched the videos you’d know it was because of our former players on other teams”

Mr. Lavune: “Really…well you’re already here”

Chucky: “Of course”

Zora (Chicago Sky): “I don’t have a dedicated fan on YouTube”

Mr. Lavune: “No you’re here because EVERYONE who covers the league hates you”

Zora: “Okay yeah, that tracks”

Chucky sighs and just looks around. 

Logan (Los Angeles Lakers): “So I have a question?”

Mr. Lavune: “Shoot”

Logan: “I think Isaac is a closeted Thunder fan?”

Mr. Lavune: “Oh, really?”

Andy (Atlanta Hawks): “You think he’s the closeted Thunder fan and not the guy with Shai undies?”

Mr. Lavune: “Andy what are you doing here?”

Andy: “Oh, I was here for ‘Teams that get ignored and how to handle it’, realized that was monday but I’m too captivated to leave now”

John (New York Giants): “Hi, also here”

Mr. Lavune: “And that, huh, Arlo’s not here for the first time in a long time”

John: “You make the playoffs, Perna’s gonna yap about something positive for once, if we made the playoffs I think Five would actually be mad”

Someone else comes through the door.

Jen (New York Jets): “Sorry, sorry I’m late”

John: “Wow, you screwing up again”

Jen: “Shut the fuck up”

John: “Are you gonna be okay when the Dolphins come into MetLife and destroy you with Zach Wilson as QB”

Jen: “NO, I’M NOT GONNA BE OKAY, AND I’M HEARING HIM YELL ‘STUPID SACK WILSON’ FROM HERE”

Jen calms down for a moment after her sudden outburst. 

Mr. Lavune: “So now we can-”

Someone else rushes through the door.

Oscar (Baltimore Orioles): “Had to come to this class, I need help?”

Mr. Lavune: “Huh, Oscar, you don’t have an Orioles YouTuber that’s big”

Oscar: “No, it’s far worse”

Mr. Lavune: “How?”

Oscar: “The author..”

Mr. Lavune: “oooh…yeah that’s bad…” 

Oscar: “I don’t know what’s gonna happen at the end of the season and I’m terrified. Rachel said she got an F via authorial request and they advanced in the playoffs….I might be getting a Z quintuple minus”

Mr. Lavune: “Alright sit down I see the severity of the situation”

Oscar sits down, and looks on at the teacher. 

Mr. Lavune: “Ah okay, now we can begin”

Outside the door, someone else lingers. 

Patrick (New York Knicks): “And what are you doing here?” 

Rhodes (Green Bay Packers): “Seeing what it’s like to be someone else. Not me, I could never be in that class. My strongest soldier has undying faith and loyalty”

Patrick: “How undying?”

Rhodes: “I could trade Jordan Love for a can of beans that expired in 2014 he’d still be on the YouTube Video going ‘Go Pack Go’, that’s how undying” 

Patrick: “Ah, you and me, we share that in common”

Rhodes: “Interesting, how so?”

Patrick: “My followers, they are loyal” 

As the lecture goes on in the classroom, they get up and walk away. 

Patrick: “Sure is great to be me”

Rhodes: “Sure is….if you don’t like winning”

Patrick: “Okay, really?”

Rhodes: “The oracle states that I shall remind people of my dominance”

Patrick: “Well I’ll tell your oracle to stuff it when the Knicks win the title this year”

Patrick rolls his eyes, and the two of them keep walking.

(10:00 AM)

Mr. Trice sits in his classroom. It is a relatively simple room, most teachers have a lot of decorations, a ton of elaborate designs. Trice just has his “Welcome to Sports Politics 101” banner and a faded old time Iowa State logo on his desk. On the projector is a message from social media of a certain notoriety. 

Mr. Trice: “So, this happened?”

Quinn (Washington Commanders): “I saw, right in a bunch of messages about arresting his political enemies too, that’s how you know it’s serious”

Quinn says with a bit of biting sarcasm. 

Ito (Cleveland Guardians): “I’m not sure what the end goal here, just make the names racist again?”

Mr. Trice: “Actually, yes, that is what the President seems to want”

Ito: “Under the guise of ‘restoring Indian heritage or something’, but like…this is the same guy who funded confederate statues”

Quinn: “Pretty serious about it too, saying he’d try to block the stadium deal or whatever”

Mr. Trice: “The President says a lot of things, but he means all of them. But some of the things he says he just can’t do, now-”

Quinn: “Man…we just had to deal with Dan Snyder as our owner for years and now we have the Presidential Equivalent of Dan Snyder yelling at us” 

Ito: “I see the…vague possibility for Quinn, not sure what he can do here, try to take away MLB’s Anti-Trust Exemption? All of the headlines are on what he wants and no article is about how…he would put pressure on the team. Seems like the equivalent of a birthday candle wish”

Mr. Trice: “Absurd demands are what he specializes in, I actually brought in a student guest lecturer to tell you all about it”

Ito: “In my opinion the President should just stick to politics and stay out of sports”

Someone walks into the room, around him a faded starter jacket with an old USFL logo and generals patch. 

Benedict (New Jersey Generals): “Hi, so, Orange 47 said something”

Quinn: “Oh…specalist” 

Mr. Trice: “Benedict here is-”

Benedict: “THE expert. So, let’s figure out why this happened with a game of true or false. True or False? ‘The President’ has an ego?”

Quinn: “Uh true…very big too”

Benedict: “Correct!! True or False? The Toddler in Chief often breaks promises that got him elected”

Ito: “Mostly true”

Benedict: “There we go. True or False? The Colbert Canceller is petty?”

Quinn: “Oh yeah, all powerful rich people who are jerks are petty. Easy true”

Benedict: “True or false. The Geriatric With One Functional Neuron  kept trying to get involved sports before his political career”

Ito: “Oh, true”

Benedict: “Let me paint the picture now. It’s the 80s, The USFL exists. Terrible Combover Man wants a piece of that NFL money and sues the league for being a monopoly. And they WIN the lawsuit, and get one dollar of compensation money. The crusade basically destroyed the USFL. Guess what, Guy in Home Alone 2 wants more money, tries to buy various teams and enter the NFL. Gets shut out everytime. Now he becomes President, again. He’s going after everyone he perceives that’s slighted  him because he’s a petty bitch. Feud with Harvard and all that. Now, guess what? He’s trying to re-enter the world of sports using his political input to try and pressure private entities”

Quinn and Ito think on this, Mr. Trice giving a knowing nod. 

Ito: “Oh…that checks out”

Quinn: “Ah yeah, makes sense”

Someone else pops their head in.

Dixon (DC United): “Hi, I feel like this is relevant to me?”

Quinn: “It’s just…I like attention, just not this kind of attention”

Mr. Trice: “So, you two…it’s really up to your owners and such…which you unfortunately have very little control over. I guess worst comes to worst, pull a Corey”

Quinn: “I tried that on Dan Snyder already, didn’t work”

Ito: “Huh? What’d Corey do?”

Mr. Trice: “Uh…nevermind….”

Mr. Trice just sighs in and out.

Dixon: “We’re bringing our academy back…so that’s cool”

Mr. Trice: “Dixon, what do you want?”

Dixon: “To be relevant”

Mr. Trice: “Yeah…that tracks”