Chapter Text
Subaru opened his eyes, due to the sun creaking from the queen’s candidate window. Even though it had a curtain covering it, some light still managed to slip in, which he thought was incredibly annoying… and unbefitting.
“Oh… you finally woke up.” She said, with a smile, admiring his face.
Slowly, Subaru smiled and closed in the distance, kissing her. At first, it was a normal kiss, but it slowly evolved into a wilder one as he introduced his tongue into the mix.
“H-hey! It's too early in the morning for that, don't you think?”
The girl protested, and Subaru, with a look of annoyance, dropped back onto the bed again. “What makes night a better time than day to do it? Don't you think it's kinda arbitrary?”
She stood up, and went to pick up her clothes. “Morning is the time to prepare for the rest of the day. Getting tired and all dirty as the way to start it isn't—”
“Stop being so tight! A lady should take proper care of herself and answer the needs of her body! I'll make a woman out of you, you’ll see!”
She giggled. “You really are like him… Subaru.”
“I'm no king, but I still intend to make you my queen, Crusch.”
Despite her smile, the sadness in Crusch’s eyes was unmistakable. But Subaru didn't give it much importance—if he didn't seize his chance, she’d soon be out of his reach.
He jumped off the bed and stood face to face with her, both fully naked.
“You know, I have needs, too. C’mon.”
He grabbed her hand.
“But I…”
The boy didn't let her finish, starting a kiss as he slowly led her back to the bed. Even though he claimed to be satisfied with the unique experience of doing it with someone like her, the truth was that it was never enough.
If only he could experience every body at once… every girl at his disposal, every day, at any time, at his behest, without any of the work.
That's what Subaru wished from the depths of his heart as he pushed her onto the bed and thrusted his penis once more.
Wearing his fashionable suit, Subaru left the candidate’s dorm, slowly climbing down the stairs. He had fulfilled his task.
However, before he could leave the manor, an obstacle appeared in his path.
“Felix.”
The catboy remained silent for a moment, staring daggers at Subaru. Then, he finally spoke:
“...How?”
“What?”
“How did you…? I mean, even though she has her wind reading, you managed to fool her…”
“I haven't fooled anyone.” Subaru said, calmly.
“Shut up! You know what you did! I was there when you started talking to her like Your Highness!”
“You mean Fourier?”
“How dare you utter his name and disrespect him by acting like him…? No one can replace him in Lady Crusch’s heart, and yet you… you—!”
“You know Felix, despite your devotion to her, I don't think you know Crusch that well.”
“Huh?”
“Think about it. Maybe Crusch’s wind reading hasn't failed, and she knows she's being fooled.”
“But then that would mean…”
“It would mean that she's content with this arrangement. She knows my intentions aren't completely pure, but she still goes along with it. You know why?”
“...”
“She's human, Felix. No matter how high you put her on a pedestal, she still has needs, and you’ve never been able to fulfill them.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about!”
“Oh, but I do, Felix. Throughout countless tries, I have studied Crusch, Fourier, and hell, even you. And it's all for one reason.”
“What…?”
“I just wanted to put my dick inside her!”
Shocked, Felix stepped back, as Subaru’s wide smile pushed him further and further away.
Even though he seemed to relish into his perversion, there was another emotion hidden within his eyes… one that Felix couldn't pinpoint, and that creeped him out even more.
“As long as Crusch remains the weak-willed person that she is, she’ll fall for me more and more.” Subaru giggled. “To think that she can try and replace someone as special as Fourier just to fill the hole he left… don't you think it's pathetic? Well, it's not like it was hard for me to fill her hole anyways! BWAHAHAHA!”
“YOU’RE DISGUSTING!” He shouted, horrified. “I'll tell her everything, and then she won't fall for your schemes anymore!”
Subaru walked past Felix, who despite his claims didn't dare stop him. “Do what you want. It's not like either of you will remember anything, anyways.”
The catboy was left behind as Subaru left the manor.
He put his hand on his face, partly hiding it, unable to contain his stress.
“Yeah, they won't remember anything. I'm the only one who can remember this attitude of mine.”
Because no one could remember, Subaru felt free to say anything, and hurt anyone. Releasing his anger and lust at the world, only he could remember the horrible person he had become.
One just can't keep playing it straight after falling off the deep end. Becoming the villain was fitting for someone like him, who couldn't resist his urges.
Because bad people committed bad acts and relished in them, while good people were overwhelmed by the guilt and worked to avoid repeating them.
“I can't change. I just can't. So…”
Even though he was on his own, even though no one was seeing him, he smiled.
“Let's do this.”
As he arrived to the mansion, the blue-haired maid entered his sight, instantly making Subaru rock-hard.
“Ahhh, in the end, no one does it like Rem, huh?”
Happy to have an easy way to release some steam at his beck and call, the boy jumped off the carriage and greeted the girl.
“Reeeeem!!”
“Subaru!”
They hugged, and he smiled. “We’ll do it later, okay? I have to inform Emilia about the dealings with Crusch.”
“Okay!”
Keeping the conversation at that, as he’d had it a bunch of times already, he left and continued walking, entering the mansion.
As he walked towards Emilia’s room, he was stopped by the pink-haired maid.
“Barusu. Roswaal and Otto are looking for you. They want to discuss-”
“Alright, alright, I’ll talk to them later.”
Subaru continued, but Ram insisted. “Barusu.”
“What?”
“Lately, it’s like you barely care about your duties as Lady Emilia’s knight. Something seems… off.”
“Well, it’s weird to see you so awfully serious.”
Of course Subaru didn’t care about that right now. There was no reason to bother with the pleads of men when he had so many women at his disposal, for as long as he wished to.
As long as he continued looping…
“Just keep your head on your shoulders.” Ram commented.
Subaru took a step forward, as if he was defying the maid. “Are you worried for Rem?”
“Huh? How did you-”
“What are you worried about?”
Ram sensed something strange, but she decided to be honest. After all, the boy had proven to be trustworthy after his time in the sanctuary. “Her obsession with you seems stronger than usual, to the point of distracting her from her duties.”
“And you think it’s my fault?”
“...No, but-”
“Don’t worry, Rem is fine.”
Ram remained silent for a moment, and then she turned around. “I’ll believe you. If nothing else, I know you wouldn’t hurt her.”
As the maid left, Subaru felt somewhat guilty, but he brushed it off with a sad smile.
“Well, as long as I loop, I don’t think she’ll be hurt.”
Before leaving, he stared at the maid as she left, recognizing what his body was compelling him to do.
“She’d certainly be a challenge, that’s for sure.”
Subaru turned around, and walked towards Emilia’s room, but the only thing in his mind was the image of the pink-haired maid naked, at his beck and call.
“And I like a challenge.”
“Subaru! How did things go?”
All of Subaru’s turbulent thoughts were flushed away thanks to Emilia’s angelic voice, and for a moment, he felt as if he was back to who he used to be.
“Emilia-tan! Everything is a-okay! I already discussed the details with Otto and Roswaal. They’ll inform you later.”
In truth, he hadn’t, but Subaru was too lazy to explain to Emilia or Roswaal every single time the loop started what he discussed with Crusch, and it’s not like it’d matter, either. Once Subaru decided it was time to continue, he’d tell her, but for now, he knew that he wanted to enjoy his never-ending paradise just a few loops longer.
“Oh, okay…"
“By the way, are you busy?”
“Oh?” This… wasn’t part of the usual loop. “I can make some time, if you wanna talk.”
Emilia sat on her bed and put her palm next to her, signaling for Subaru to sit there. The boy complied, and he sat next to her.
“Is… something wrong?” She asked, concerned.
“Huh?”
Did he seem weird to her?
“Well, lately, every time I see you, you have an incredibly satisfied smile on your face, but your eyes… they seem sad.”
“Whaaaat?” Subaru shook his head and quickly brushed off her concern. “Don’t worry about me, Emilia, I’m great! You should worry about yourself.”
Emilia still seemed worried. “Is that so…?”
“I’m always happy when I’m with you, so-”
“So when you’re not, how do you feel?”
“Ah! I…” Subaru remained silent for a moment, but then he quickly shook his head. “Does that matter? As long as you keep your mind busy, nothing else matters.”
“That doesn’t really sound healthy…”
“You know, sometimes… sometimes you just can’t afford to think about it. Otherwise, you sink further and further into your own mind.”
“That is true, but… I truly believe that the long road, even if it’s harsher, always ends up with the best outcome in the end. But it takes effort, thinking, and a constant, unyielding will to be better.”
“That’s…”
“Despite what you are saying right now, I’ve always seen you as the kind of person who takes the long road, Subaru.”
“...Really?”
Emilia nodded.
Subaru smiled, but once more, his eyes were full of sadness.
“Well, maybe the Subaru you knew is long gone.” He thought, keeping his solitude to himself.
It was already night. Subaru and Rem laid together, naked, in the maid’s room, but the boy couldn’t get something out of his mind.
“What’s wrong, Subaru?” The girl asked, worried.
“Do you think Ram is awake?”
“Umm… yes, she tends to stay up late, in Roswaal’s room.”
“Roswaal’s room? That’s a problem…”
The boy stood up, put on his clothes, and waved goodbye to Rem, who was left wondering what he wanted to do.
Subaru walked up to Roswaal’s room and waited, in the shadows. A few hours went by, and yet, he still waited.
He had all the time in the world.
Finally, Ram left the room, and before she could process it, the boy stepped out of the shadows, startling her.
“B-Barusu…”
“What were you doing with Roswaal, Ram?”
“Haah?” She was confused, but then she shook her head and walked past the boy. “It’s none of your business.”
“You know he doesn’t care about you, right? He’d kill you without a second thought.”
“...I’m fine with that. You would die for lady Emilia, too, right?”
“Many times.” Subaru admitted, with a tired smile. “But unlike you, I’m not on physical terms with her. Lucky you, huh?”
Ram was puzzled by the boy’s behavior, who had a bit of envy and resentment in his voice. “What’s gotten into you, Barusu?”
The eyes he was ogling at her with… were those of a man who wouldn’t be content until he had everything—or would it be more accurate to say everyone?
Ram continued to walk, but before she took the stairs, she turned around, wishing to clear the misunderstanding.
“Just so you know, I’m not on physical terms with him, either.”
“Oh? And are you… satisfied by that?”
“Huh?”
“Whatever you two are doing, you wish it was more than that, don’t you? But he’s got his eyes on something else… someone else.”
“I…” Ram looked away, with a hint of distress in her eyes. “I’ve already accepted that.”
“But that’s just not fair for you… you also deserve to enjoy yourself.”
“What?”
Subaru reached out his hand, feeling his heart beat rapidly.
He didn’t want to be rejected. He didn’t want to be denied.
Though if he was, he’d just change reality until he got what he wanted.
“I’m lonely too, you know? Emilia is laser-focused on her candidacy, and as long as that’s her priority, I will support her, but…” He sighed. “I also have needs.”
“Are you… suggesting that-”
“Yes.”
Ram was shocked, never imagining that she would be in such a situation with the boy. She didn’t feel anything remotely similar to attraction towards him.
“Roswaal will never give you what you desire from him." Subaru assured. "And I’m the same way with Emilia. If that’s the case, why not settle for an arrangement like this? Something that lets us keep our devotion, but not neglect ourselves because of it?”
“But isn’t settling for someone other than them even more degrading?”
“Degrading…?” Subaru lost his calm demeanor, the mask being stripped away suddenly by the maid’s direct remark. “No, you don’t get it…a relationship with him is beyond your reach. Waiting for it while it is impossible without at least attempting to consider yourself in the equation isn’t healthy.”
“I wonder…”
For the first time since they had met, Subaru saw a hint of pity in Ram’s eyes.
“You talk as if our situation is the same, but unlike Roswaal and me, lady Emilia and you-”
“You’re wrong.” Subaru quickly stated, refusing to be looked down upon. “It’s impossible.”
“Why?”
“Because… I don’t deserve her.”
“...Heh. Then maybe we really are the same.”
The two stared at each other for a moment, almost defyingly. But Subaru continued to press on. “People like us, who know our ugliness and have given up on those we love because of it, have to settle with having the luxury to stay by their side.” Subaru reached out his hand once more. “But at the very least, let’s not forget we are human, too.”
“I wonder…” There was a clear divide between their way of seeing things, which was exemplified in the girl’s smile, that saw right through the boy’s misleading words. “You fool yourself thinking that satisfying those needs is all you need, Barusu. But I think that an arrangement like the one you wish to have is the ultimate way of betraying your self-respect.”
“What?”
“People in those kinds of relationships… have given up on believing they can be loved.”
Subaru stared at the floor with unease, slowly realizing that Ram’s words rang true.
“So then, you don’t want to?”
Ram remained silent for a moment, pondering. “Well, I gave up on being loved long ago.”
“Then-!”
“And yet, my answer is still no.”
“Huh? Why?”
“I will never leave Roswaal’s side. And besides that, you… are disgusting. Don’t think I don’t know what you’ve been doing with Rem. I kept an eye on her because the two of you had been acting strangely—and lo and behold.”
…!
“I have advised her against it, but in the end, she’s her own person.” Ram’s eyes suddenly revealed an unnerving amount of contempt. “However, I will never forgive you for taking advantage of her like that. I don’t know at what moment you became so greedy, Natsuki Subaru, but this request of you has confirmed my suspicions. You are just a pig. And as long as you are that way, I won’t want anything to do with you.”
Ram left, leaving the boy in shambles. He sighed, with a twisted smile on his face.
“So she was just being cruel by not shutting me down immediately, huh? Fucking sadist.”
Subaru put his hands on his face, trying to shut down the girl’s criticisms that resounded in his head.
“What does she know about you? Nothing.”
“But she’s right…! I-”
“That does not matter. Rem is waiting for you.”
“Rem… Yes… That’s right.”
Desperate, the boy ran to the girl’s room, where she was already asleep.
When Sloth took her memories, and erased her existence, she looked just like this…
…
“Oh… I’ve thought of something really horrible, haven’t I?”
“Hmmm? Subaru?” The girl said, half-asleep, as she grabbed his hand. The boy gulped.
Subaru slowly got his face closer to hers, closing down his eyes.
“I don’t want to think about anything. Just to lose myself in this pleasure.”
His lips touched hers, but as he tried to distract himself through sex, all he could think about was Ram.
Perhaps, with Rem out of the picture, he would get his chance.
After that revolting thought, once he finally came, he killed himself.