Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Jillian was sitting outside of her building, in a garden of kind. She had felt like she needed peace, the sisters were amazing, smart young women, but she didn’t want to burden them. Felt like her being there, in her own property, was a violation of some sort.

She saw Mother Superion approaching from the far, and moved on the side of the bench, in case the nun wanted to sit.

“Are you alright?” The nun asked.

Jillian took a breath before replying; ”No, I'm not.”

“Do you mind?” Mother Superion gestured towards the bench.

“All yours.”

The woman sat next to her. Jillian’s eyes were sad and tears threatened to spill. She wasn’t the type to cry in company.

“I can’t imagine what you feel like, losing your son.”

Jillian’s hands twisted nervously in her lap. All she had ever tried to do was protect Michael, and now… now she had no child, no purpose.

”It's tearing me apart. I did everything right, everything I could, but…”

She trailed off, blinking back tears.

”It’s not your fault,” Mother Superion said softly.

Jillian laughed bitterly

”Isn't it? It feels like it is. I should have... I should have protected him, saved him.”

Sorrow and guilt clouded her eyes. She looked at the trees in the distance, not wanting to face the nun.

”He made his decision, his sacrifice.”

Jillian let out a shaky breath.

”I know... I know that. But it doesn't make it any easier. I just can't help but think: what if I had done something differently? Could I have prevented this?” The pain in her voice was undeniable.

”You can’t continue thinking like that, it will eat you alive from the inside.”

Jillian clenched her fists, fighting to control her emotions

”I know that too. But it's hard not to. He was everything to me. He was my only son, my little miracle.”

A tear escaped, sliding down her cheek.

”I know.”

Mother Superion placed her hand on Jillian’s arm.
Jillian leaned into the touch, finding some comfort in it. She took a deep breath, trying to steady herself.

”Sometimes I just feel so alone... like nobody else understands this pain.”

”I can’t say I understand the burden of losing one’s child, but loss itself is not new to me.”

Jillian looked at Mother Superion, a hint of curiosity in her tear-filled eyes.

”You've lost someone close to you, haven't you?”

“Many. Being a warrior sister… it has its downsides.”

Jillian nodded quietly. She could only imagine the sacrifices Mother Superion had made, battles she had fought.

”How do you…. Cope with the loss? How do you keep going when the pain seems unbearable?”

“I turn to God. To my sisters. To anyone who just is willing to have me.”

Jillian nodded again, appreciating the wisdom.

”I envy your faith, your community. I've always relied on myself, on my intellect and determination. But sometimes even those can't console me.”

“Faith is a personal matter that I can’t help with. But I can offer a community.”

Jillian looked at Mother Superion with a mixture of sadness and hope. She was not used to accepting help, but right now she felt like she had nothing to lose.

”You would... allow me to lean on you?”

“Yes.”

Jillian's shoulders sagged with relief. She was both grateful and a little overwhelmed by this offer. She had spent so long trying to be strong on her own that the thought of leaning on someone else felt both foreign and oddly comforting.

”Thank you. I... don't know how to express what that means to me.”

”You don’t need to.”

Jillian managed a small, tearful smile. For the first time in a long time, she didn’t feel completely alone.

“You've been a warrior sister for a long time, right? Have you…. Ever considered having a family of your own? A husband, children?”

”You do realize me being a nun kind of goes against that, right?” Mother Superion raised an amused eyebrow.

Jillian's cheeks flushed a bit, realizing her question might have been a little insensitive. She laughed ruefully.

”Right, right… of course. Stupid question. I'm sorry.”

”No, no, it’s not stupid.”

Jillian shook her head, feeling a bit embarrassed.

”No, it was stupid. I didn't mean-” She sighed.
“I guess what I'm trying to say is... I admire your commitment to your faith and your order. But sometimes, I wonder, doesn't it get lonely, not having a traditional family of your own? Not having someone to share your life with, to build a future with?”

”I consider the women here as my family. When it comes to romance, I do admit I miss it, I’ve always been a hopeless romantic.”

Jillian couldn’t help but smile a little at that.

”A hopeless romantic, huh? I would never have guessed that about you.”

”Yes, well, I wouldn’t tell it just to anyone.”

Jillian chuckled softly. She felt honoured that the woman counted her enough to share this… secret. The mood between them had lightened a little.

”Your secret is safe with me. So... you've had love in your life before then? A significant other?”

”Before I became a nun, yes.”

Jillian looked at her, her curiosity piqued. She was starting to realize how little she knew about the woman sitting beside her.

”And you gave that all up? For the Order?”

”She died before I joined.”

Jillian's heart sank a little. There was sadness in the nun's eyes.

”I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have-”

She fell quiet, feeling like she had stirred up painful memories.

”It’s okay, you couldn’t have known,” Superion answered quietly.

Jillian nodded, feeling a mix of regret and empathy.

”Still, I didn't mean to open old wounds. I guess we both have our share of pain.”

She sighed, staring off into space for a moment. The silence is heavy but not uncomfortable. After a moment, Mother Superion answered.

”Don’t worry, you didn’t. I do wish you wouldn’t tell the girls though.”

Jillian chuckled at that. She imagined the shock on the faces of the other nuns if they were told their formidable Mother Superion used to have a girlfriend.

”Your secret is safe with me, I promise. I won't say a word.”

”Thank you.”

Jillian smiled, appreciating her trust.

”You know, you're not what I expected. In a good way, of course.”

”I could say the same. When you were hoarding divinium for your science, I thought you were just another scientist after success and money.”

Jillian chuckled, amused at the characterization.

”And now? What do you think of me now?”

”I think you were a mother in an impossible situation.”

Her eyes teared up again. That one word, "mother," hit a nerve, and she took a deep breath to keep her emotions in check. When she spoke, her voice was hoarse.

”You're giving me more credit than I deserve. I've made so many mistakes…”

Mother Superion wiped a tear from her cheek. Jillian looked at the nun, the gentle touch on her cheek sending a wave of comfort through her. She couldn’t remember the last time someone was this… tender with her.

”Everyone has made mistakes,” Mother Superion said softly.

”Even warrior sisters? Does God not expect perfection?”

”Only God is perfect, humans are… imperfect to a fault.”

Jillian chuckled despite herself, appreciating the honesty.

"Imperfect to a fault. I like that. I think it sums us up pretty well, especially me. I've always tried to be perfect, to do everything right... and look where it's got me.”

”On a bench of your building, full of nuns?”

Jillian laughed outright at that, the sound a mix of pain and relief. It was the first genuine laugh she had had in what felt like ages.

”Yes, on a bench of my building, full of nuns, discussing my messy life with a badass nun.”

She shook her head, still laughing softly.

“Badass, huh?”

Jillian grinned, her eyes gleaming with mischief despite her grief.

”Oh come on, you can't argue with that. You're the leader of a group of warrior sisters who fight demons, of course you're a badass.”

She said the word badass with an almost childish delight, happy to have distracted herself, even if just for a moment, from her pain.

“You have been around the girls too much.” Mother Superion rolled her eyes, but smiled nonetheless.

Jillian chuckled, her smile widening. There was something refreshingly normal about this banter, a stark contrast to the emotional turmoil she had been through.

”I'm learning all sorts of colorful language from them. Who knew nuns could curse like sailors?”

“We really shouldn’t, especially on holy ground. Mary was not even a nun, but oh dear her language did take on the others.”

”Mary was a firecracker, wasn’t she? I've heard of her a lot. And Ava… ” Jillian shook her head, grinning. ”She swore like it was her first language.”

Mother Superion seemed to stiffen beside her.

”And now they’re both gone.”

The mood darkened again, the reality of their situation crashing back down on them. Jillian's face fell, her heart heavy with the mention of those they've lost.

”Gone…”

She whispered the word, her voice barely a breath.

”Gone and we can do nothing but… carry on.”

She felt the weight of grief settle in her chest, a familiar and unwelcome burden.

“I think you finally got it, Doctor.”

The nun said, trying to cover the tear she wiped away. Jillian noticed the gesture, her heart clenching a bit. She looked at Mother Superion, really looked at her, and realized... She was hurting as much as she was. But like her, the nun was trying to hide it, to be strong. She understood that impulse all too well. Jillian scooted a bit closer, closing the gap between them on the bench.

”I think I have. Being human sucks sometimes, huh?”

“It really does. Although I’m sure there would have been a way to say that more beautifully.”

Jillian managed a small laugh, amused by the comment. She shook her head, letting go of the heavy atmosphere for a moment.

”Yeah, yeah, I'm a scientist, not Shakespeare. I never claimed to be eloquent. Just brilliant.”

“Don’t forget cocky.”

Jillian shoots the nun a cheeky grin.

”Is it cocky if it's true?”

She leaned a little closer, bumping the nun’s shoulder gently with hers, the touch a silent gesture of camaraderie.

Mother Superion chuckled, and shook her head. Jillian smiled, enjoying this brief moment of lightness. It was in stark contrast to the weight they were both carrying, but she needed this. Needed to know she was not entirely alone in this.

”You know, this is the most I've smiled in a long time. Maybe I should hang out with nuns more often.”

“I wouldn’t mind, just so you know.”

The words caught Jillian off guard, her heart skipping a beat. She looked at Mother Superion, her expression a mixture of surprise and something softer, more vulnerable. The way the nun said it implied more than just casual friendship, and it set her head spinning a little. Jillian cleared her throat, trying to shake off the sudden flutter in her chest.

”Is that an invitation, Mother Superior?”

Jillian meant it as a jest, but the words came out a bit huskier than intended.

“Suzanne, please.”

"Suzanne."

Jillian tested the name on her tongue. It felt… surprisingly intimate. She liked the way it rolled off her lips.

”Very well, Suzanne. Only if you call me Jillian in return.

Jillian smiled, her eyes holding the nun’s- Suzanne’s gaze a tad longer than necessary. There was a small moment of silence between them, both of them acutely aware of the space- or lack thereof - between them on the bench. It was charged, electric, and Jillian found herself drawn to it, almost hypnotized. She swallowed.

”Jillian it is, then.”

Jillian nodded, a strange feeling of butterflies in her stomach. They sat there in a comfortable silence for a moment, the wind rustling through the trees and the distant sound of birds chirping the only sounds. Jillian stole a glance at Suzanne, her gaze lingering on her face, the curve of her jaw, the line of her neck... Stop that, she scolded herself internally, but her heart was already kicking up a notch. Suzanne glanced at her. Jillian realized she had been staring and looked away quickly, cheeks flushing a bit. She couldn’t remember when she had last been this flustered. She cleared her throat, trying to dispel the odd tension that's building between them.

The wind picked up a bit more, sending goosebumps down Jillian’s arms. She hugged herself, both for warmth and to distract herself from the thoughts swirling in her head. What the hell was wrong with her? She didn’t get like this... ever, and least of all over a nun.

”You’re cold?”

Jillian nodded, hugging herself tighter. It was not entirely from the wind.

”A little.”

Jilliam glanced at Suzanne, a thought suddenly occurring to her. A dangerous, impulsive thought that she shook out of her head.

”Do you want to go inside?”

Jillian hesitated, warring with the voice in her head telling her this was a bad idea. But the other voice, the one that had been getting louder and louder the longer they sat there, won out. Her heart was hammering in her chest as she nodded, her eyes not leaving Suzanne’s

”Yes. Yes, I do.”

They walked inside, Suzanne first, even though it was Jillian's property.

”Wine?” Suzanne asked, like a good hostess. Jillian found it amusing that the nuns had filled her kitchen closets, mostly with wine. The thought of a glass of red right then sounded heavenly. Her heart was still pounding, but she tried to play it cool.

”Fuck, yes. Please.”

”Language!”

Jillian winced jokingly, a hint of a smirk on her lips.

”Sorry, sorry. Still learning how to behave around you. No more swearing, no blasphemy, and definitely no blasphemous thoughts about a nun. Got it.”

”Excuse me?”

Jillian cringed internally, realizing she had just blurted out her last thought out loud. Smooth, Salvius. She tried to play it off as a joke, even though her cheeks were burning.

”Nothing. Just a joke, you know. A really inappropriate, stupid joke. Ignore it. Please.”

”Are you sure?”

Jillian nodded fervently, mentally slapping herself. Of all the stupid, careless things she could have said... She tried to laugh it off, her voice sounding more high-pitched than usual.

”Yes, yes, I'm sure. It was a bad joke, it didn't mean anything, I wasn't- It wasn’t-“

She trailed off, realizing she was not only babbling, but digging a hole for herself. She closed her mouth, swallowing hard, her eyes avoiding Suzanne’s.

”You’re rambling,” Suzanne noted as she gave her a glass of red wine. Jillian took the glass from her, her hand brushing against hers for a split second. The tiny touch sent a jolt through her, and it took all her willpower to not let it show. She downed a big gulp of the wine, hoping the alcohol would calm her nerves. It was not working so far. She cleared her throat, still avoiding Suzanne’s gaze.

”I tend to do that when I'm... nervous.”

”Why are you nervous?”

Jillian couldn’t help but let out a humorless laugh at that. The question was a loaded gun and she was standing right in front of it.

”You really want me to answer that?”

”Yes. Please.”

The way Suzanne said it almost undid Jillian. She took another gulp of the wine, feeling like she was about to confess a crime. Her heart was in her throat as she finally brought herself to meet Suzanne’s gaze.

”I'm nervous because I have... thoughts. Inappropriate thoughts. God forgive me, about you.”

Suzanne’s eyes widened as she blushed, but she didn’t say anything. Seeing Suzanne’s coloured cheeks only emboldened Jillian. It was a confirmation that maybe, just maybe, her feelings weren’t entirely unreciprocated. She took a step closer, barely even realizing what she was doing or saying. She was acting on pure instinct, the words a stream of consciousness now.

”It started off innocently enough, of course. I thought I was admiring your... dedication, your strength, your faith. But now... now they're anything but innocent.”

Suzanne’s gaze dropped to the floor.

”I um, I might be… experiencing similar feelings. About you.”

If Jillian thought her heart was hammering before, now it was practically in overdrive. She could hardly believe what she was hearing. Her breath catched in her throat as she stared at Suzanne, disbelief and hope warring on her face. She took another step closer.

”You... you do? But you're... and I'm…” Jillian shook her head, as if to clear it. ”You're a nun.”

”I’m well aware of that, Jillian.”

The way Suzanne said Jillian’s name, soft and intimate, sent a shiver down her spine. She took Suzanne’s half empty wine glass, and set both of the glasses on a nearby table with shaky hands, her fingers trembling slightly.

”God, the way you say my name should be illegal.”

Jillian could feel the heat radiating off of Suzanne’s body, could almost taste her breath.

”This... this is beyond foolish. And selfish. And wrong.”

”And absolutely blasphemous,” Suzanne added.

Jillian let out a soft, half-hysterical laugh at that. It was true, what they were doing, what they were feeling, it went against everything they were supposed to stand for. Yet there they were, standing impossibly close, hearts racing, breath mixing.

”God help me, the things I'm thinking about doing to you right now... ”The words came out in a low, raspy whisper.

“You can’t just say things like that!” Suzanne whined.

Jillian couldn’t help but smirk at her protest. Suzanne looked positively flustered, her cheeks flushed, her eyes dark and dilated, her breathing uneven. It was a beautiful sight, and knowing that Jillian caused it made her bolder. She reached out, placing a hand on Suzanne’s hip, her touch feather-light but possessive.

”And why not? It's just the truth. I'm having very, very unholy thoughts right now... about what I want to do to you.”

Suzanne placed the palms of her hands against Jillian’s upper chest as she closed her eyes tightly.

Jillian took another step forward, closing the remaining distance between them. With her standing so close, her body was almost flushed against Suzanne’s. Jillian’s hand was still on her hip, her thumb tracing lazy circles.

”Open your eyes, Suzanne. Look at me,” Jillian said softly, but with an edge of command. She wanted to, no, she needed to see her eyes. Suzanne opened her eyes, and Jillian could’ve sworn she saw Suzanne glancing her lips before meeting her gaze. Jillian stared into her eyes, her gaze heavy with a primal heat. Jillian outlined Suzanne’s jaw ever so lightly. She brushed her thumb over her bottom lip, her heart thudding against her ribcage like a battering ram.

“Good girl…”

Suzanne’s knees buckled, but Jillian catched her, her grip tightening reflexively as she leaned into her. The way Suzanne submitted, how she surrendered to her touch, made something primal in her light on fire. Jillian moved suddenly, placing her hands under Suzanne’s thighs, and lifting her on top of the table next to them. Suzanne yelped, seemingly surprised by the action.

“Shhh.”

Jillian gently pushed Suzanne’s legs apart and stepped between them, their bodies pressed against each other. Jillian’s hands were still on her thighs, her touch firmer, almost possessive.

“Just relax. Let me take care of you,” Jillian said as she leaned in, her voice a hot whisper against Suzanne’s ear. Her lips brushed against her earlobe, teasing.

Jillian took a moment to admire the sight of Suzanne so pliant, so vulnerable beneath her. She was a vision, all flushed cheeks and quick breaths, her body responding to her every touch. Jillian’s hands traveled up her habit, the fabric of her skirt bunching up and exposing more skin. Jillian placed open mouth kisses along the side of her neck, her teeth grazing the skin but not biting yet.

“Jillian…” Suzanne breathed out.

That made it, that made Jillian snap. She pressed her lips against Suzanne’s. Suzanne answered the kiss with the same passion. Jillian moaned softly against her mouth, her tongue swiping across her lips in silent request. Jillian’s hands roamed Suzanne’s body, slipping under the fabric of her habit, wanting to feel the heat of her skin on her fingertips. Both of them were struggling for breath but unwilling to stop. Jillian was drunk on the taste of Suzanne, addicted to the way she arched into her touch.

Jillian broke the kiss, a string of saliva connecting them for a split second before it broke. Her lips were glossy, her eyes dark and dilated with unbridled desire. She stared hungrily at Suzanne, her fingers gripping her hips hard enough to leave bruises. Suzanne looked just as wrecked, her lips red and swollen from the kiss, her eyes half-lidded and darkened with lust. Jillian could hardly resist anymore, the need coursing through her, hot and electric. She pressed her body more firmly against Suzanne’s, pinning her to the table.

”Doctor Salvi-”

The sound of Sister Camila's voice broke through the haze of desire that gripped Jillian. She froze, her body still pressed against Suzanne’s, and turned her head to look at the younger nun. She swallowed hard, her mind trying to come up with something, anything, but she came up blank. Her hand reflexively tightened on Suzanne’s waist.

”Camila, can you give us a moment, we were just… talking… privately,” Suzanne tried.

Camila didn’t seem convinced, her eyes lingering on the scene before her- Suzanne still sitting on the table, Jillian standing between her legs, her hands on her hip, both of them flushed and disheveled. Camila raised an eyebrow.

"Just talking, hm?”

“Camila…” Suzanne warned.

Camila hesitated, torn between disbelief and respect for the authority. Finally, with a hint of a smirk, she nodded and left, closing the door behind her. Once she was gone, it was just the two of them, still there, frozen. Jillian's heart was still pounding against her ribcage, her breath coming in short pants. The moment was shattered, the spell broken, and the situation hit her all at once. Her hand dropped from Suzanne’s waist.

“No doubt the whole convent will know about this in the morning. Sorry,” Suzanne said sheepishly.

The reality of what had just happened sinked in, the weight of Jillian’s impulsive decisions hitting her like a ton of bricks. She rubbed a hand tiredly over her face. Jillian barked out a laugh, albeit awkwardly. Leave it to the nuns to spread gossip faster than a forest fire. She ran a hand through her hair, a touch of hysteria in her voice.

“Don't apologize. This... I shouldn't have let it get this far. This was… impulsive… inconvenient, really.”

Jillian took a step back, putting some space between them. She tried to regain the facade of professionalism, but it was half-hearted at best.

“Right…” Suzanne jumped off the table. “Sorry to be such an inconvenience, then.”

Jillian winced at that, regretting her words. She reached out and grabbed Suzanne’s wrist, not letting her walk away just yet. She turned her back to face her.

“Wait. That came out wrong, that's not what I meant.” Her voice was quiet, almost pleading.

“Then what did you mean?”

Jillian hesitated, her heart warring with her mind. She wanted Suzanne closer, wanted to hold onto her and never let go, but the voice of reason and doubt was whispering in her ear, telling her it was a bad idea. She looked at Suzanne, her eyes darting between her face and the ground. Her voice was a low, frustrated rasp.

“I shouldn't have let it get this far. You're a nun. I'm a scientist. Whatever this is, it's wrong. It's insane. We should just pretend it never happened.”

”For the record, I actually do like you. But clearly, it is not mutual.” Suzanne took a step backwards. ”I suppose I can… avoid you, if it makes you feel better.”

Jillian looked at Suzanne, her chest clenching involuntarily. Her heart was screaming in protest, every fiber of her being telling her not to let Suzanne walk away, to damn the consequences and be selfish. But she bit her tongue, her logical mind winning over. She tried to be cool and collected, but the words stuck in her throat. She managed a curt nod.

“That would probably be for the best. For both of us.”

”Goodbye, Jillian,” Suzanne said as she left.

Jillian watched her go, her heart feeling like a lead weight. It took all her willpower not to run after Suzanne, not to reach for her and pull her back. She clenched her teeth, her fists balled at her sides. She wanted to call out to her, wanted to beg her to stay, wanted to tell her that she had never felt this way about anyone, that she was the only thing that made sense in this insane world. But instead, she said nothing, letting Suzanne walk away.

Chapter Text

The next few days, perhaps a week, Jillian threw herself into work, trying to distract herself with research. But every time she closed her eyes, she saw Suzanne’s face, the way she looked on that table. Jillian could still feel the softness of her skin under her fingertips, the heat of her body against hers. Jillian tried to tell herself it was a one-time thing, a mistake. But every night, she dreamed about Suzanne. It was driving her insane. Jillian avoided Suzanne as much as possible. Whenever she passed in the hallway Jillian looked away, too afraid of what she would do if she saw her. She kept busy to keep Suzanne out of her mind, but every time she saw a flash of dark hair from the corner of her eye her heart skipped a beat. Sometimes she would catch a glimpse of Suzanne praying through a window or speaking with the other nuns. She tried not to let her gaze linger too long, because looking at her from a distance was only torture.

As the days dragged on, she found herself becoming increasingly irritable and short-tempered. She snapped at people easily, her temper flaring at the smallest thing. The girls tiptoed around her, knowing she was like a coiled viper, ready to lash out at the slightest provocation. Jillian’s eyes were dark and sunken, her hair constantly messy. She looked like a walking, talking disaster, and she felt like one too.

One day, sister Beatrice approached her in her office.

”Doctor Salvius, permission to speak frankly.”

The interruption was unexpected, and Jillian looked up with a bit of a glare, but then softened upon seeing it was Beatrice. She sighed and nodded, gesturing for her to speak.

“Go ahead.”

Beatrice took a step forward.

”It’s clear that you and Mother Superion have… affection for one another. Denying it only makes you both miserable.”

Jillian sputtered, almost choking on her own spit at that. Her cheeks instantly started to burn, and she shook her head vigorously.

“What- I- we-“ She stumbled over her words, her mind short-circuiting. She cleared her throat.

“That is quite the accusation, sister Beatrice. Where did you get the idea that I… that we-“

“Camila said she found you two in a rather compromising position. After that, no one’s seen you two interact, and both of you seem on the edge.”

Jillian huffed, running her hand through her hair in frustration. So, the rumors were spreading. She had to give those nuns credit for one thing, they were damn efficient. She sighed heavily

“Fine, fine… We… had an… experience. But it was a one-off, it wasn't… it didn't mean anything. I don't have… feelings for her, not like that.”

Beatrice just raised an unbelieving eyebrow, and that was enough to make Jillian confess.

“Okay, okay… fine. Yes. I admit it. There are… feelings there. But it changes nothing. It has to change nothing. What we're feeling- it's taboo, forbidden. It could never work.”

But even as she said it, her heart was telling her differently.

”As someone who just lost their love, I would advise you to act on it, before it’s too late.”

“Ava…” Jillian whispered. Beatrice nodded, melancholicly.

“But… it's impossible. It's a sin- she's a nun, for God's sake.”

”Superion taught us that love is never a sin. She encouraged me with Ava. So, I’m encouraging you with her.”

Jillian’s mind tried to come up with another argument, something logical and reasonable to fight off this growing, reckless hope. But she couldn’t come up with anything. The thought of acting on her feelings for Suzanne had been playing in the back of her mind like a broken record, and it was getting louder everyday. She chewed the inside of her cheek.

”God, I feel like an idiot,” She murmured, mostly to herself, but she was sure Beatrice heard it anyway.

“And even if you were not to do anything, just tell her the truth. Now she thinks it is one-sided.”

Jillian winced internally at the thought of confessing her feelings, the fear and uncertainty still warring with the hope. But Beatrice was right.

“How do you even know she thinks it’s one-sided?”

“Well I did try to have the same conversation with her, and she said it’s no use because you don’t feel the same.”

”God, I'm the worst.”

Jillian glanced up at Beatrice, a mixture of shame and resignation in her gaze.

“You panicked. It’s human.”

Jillian swallowed, torn between the logical, rational part of her that had been driving her decisions for so many years, and the part of her that was slowly starting to win, the impulsive, emotional side. She glanced towards the door.

“I want to… talk to her. To explain. Is she in her office?”

“In her room, I think. I don’t think anyone’s at their office at this time, except for you.”

Jillian took a deep breath, trying to calm the nerves building up in her stomach. She nodded her appreciation towards Beatrice, gathering her resolve.

“Thank you. Wish me luck. Beatrice?”

“Yes?”

“Can you make sure we're not disturbed? I need to talk to her. Alone.”

“Talk, huh?”

Jillian raised an eyebrow, not missing the implication in Beatrice's words. She knew what Beatrice thought this was leading to, and she didn't correct her. Because maybe Beatrice wasn’t so far off.

“Just… keep everyone away. For a while,” she said quietly, her gaze holding Beatrice's.

”I’m not sure why anyone would go to Mother Superion’s room at ten o’clock in the evening, but sure, I’ll keep everyone away,” Beatrice rolled her eyes.

Jillian gave her a quick, tight smile, and then she was out the door, striding towards the quarters where she knew Suzanne was. She was a mix of anxiety and excitement, her stomach tied up in knots. Her heart was racing with anticipation, her thoughts a chaotic jumble as she walked. She could hardly breathe. She had been avoiding Suzanne for days, and now she was on her way to knock on her door. What the hell was she doing? But she didn’t stop, her feet moving almost on their own, taking her closer to Suzanne. Finally, she stood in front of Suzanne’s door, her heart hammering in her chest. She took a deep breath, summoning up the courage to knock. She lifted her hand and knocked gently on the wood, the sound feeling almost too loud in the otherwise silent hallway. She waited, every cell in her body alive with tension, her mind racing. She was so consumed by nervousness she felt like she might throw up. She waited, her heart hanging in her throat.

Suzanne opened the door, and judging by the look on her face, Jillian wasn’t the first person she expected. She was a few centimeters shorter than Jillian, standing in her white, long nightgown. Her brown hair was open, and God was it long.

The sight of Suzanne hit her like a blow to the chest. Suzanne looked sad, vulnerable. Jillian’s heart clenched painfully, the urge to pull her into her arms nearly overwhelming. Instead, she shoved her hands into her pockets, trying to appear casual while her heart was beating out of her chest.

“Hey.”

Jillian’s voice came out soft and hoarse, betraying her own emotions.

“Jillian, what do you want?”

Jillain’s heart twisted at the cool, almost cold, formality in Suzanne’s voice. She could hear the hint of hurt, of bitterness and pain hiding under the surface. She took a step closer, her eyes searching Suzanne’s face. She looked like she hadn't slept in days. The guilt knotted in Jillian’s stomach. She cleared her throat.

“Can I come in?”

“It’s late.”

She nodded, swallowing hard past the lump in her throat. She knew it was late. She knew Suzanne was most likely tired, exhausted both physically and emotionally. But she needed to talk to her, needed to explain. She held Suzanne’s gaze, her voice quiet and firm.

“Please. It'll just take a minute. I promise.”

Suzanne stepped aside from the doorway, letting Jillian in. Jillian stepped past the door, the familiar scent of Suzanne filling her nostrils and nearly overwhelming her. The urge to reach out and touch Suzanne, to wrap her arms around her in a tight hug, was almost too strong to ignore. But Jillian shoved the desire back down, forcing herself to keep her distance. Suzanne was standing across the room from her, her arms crossed over her chest, her eyes cool and guarded. There was an awkward silence in the room, both of them just standing there, looking at each other. Jillian tried to find the words to break the heavy silence, but there were so many emotions swirling around between them, it was hard to know where to start. She cleared her throat, looking at Suzanne’s guarded face, the cold expression she was wearing.

“You look tired.”

It was an obvious observation, but Jillian’s voice was soft, almost gentle. She wanted to reach out and brush the hair away from Suzanne’s face, to cup her cheek and soothe the worry lines on her forehead.

“So do you.”

Jillian couldn’t deny it. The last few days had been a blur of research and work, anything to distract herself from Suzanne. But now, looking at her, all the exhaustion and worry rush over Jillian, and she just wanted to pull Suzanne into her arms. But instead, she kept her hands shoved in her pockets, her hands balled into white-knuckled fists.

There was a moment of silence as they stared at each other. The tension in the air was thick enough to touch. She could see the way Suzanne was holding herself back, her body language closed off from her, her eyes guarded and cool. Jillian could almost see the walls she had built up around her, and it made her heart ache. After a moment, she finally broke the silence, her voice quiet and rough.

“I... need to explain.”

Suzanne let out a bitter laugh.

“What is there to explain, I have feelings, you don’t. I’m an adult, I can handle rejection.”

Suzanne’s words hit her like a fist to the gut. She felt like she might fall to her knees at the bitter, resigned tone of Suzanne’s voice. No, this wasn't how it was supposed to go. The thought of Suzanne thinking she didn’t share her feelings made her heart twist in her chest.

“You think... goddamn it, you think I don't have feelings for you?”

“You didn’t deny it.”

Jillian winced at that, her heart thudding wildly in her chest. She took a deep breath, her hands curling tighter into fists in her pockets.

“I didn't confirm it, either.”

Jillian’s voice was low and quiet, her throat closing up as her heart hammered against her ribcage. She took a step towards Suzanne, the space between them getting smaller. She wanted to reach out and cup her face in her hands, wanted to kiss the hurt and pain and rejection away.

Jillian could see the flicker of surprise in Suzanne’s eyes, the subtle widening of her gaze. Her heart skipped a beat, her pulse racing in her veins, a mixture of hope and nervousness coursing through her. She could smell the scent of Suzanne’s skin, something faint and sweet and addicting, and it made the lump in her throat thicken. She wanted to drown in Suzanne.

Jillian hands were shaking as she reached up, her fingers itching to touch Suzanne, to feel her skin under her fingertips. But she stopped herself, her hands hovering in the air in front of her, like she was afraid to cross an invisible boundary.

“May I...?”

Jillian’s voice was quiet, pleading. She wanted to touch Suzanne so badly it physically hurt, her whole body tensed with the restraint. Her eyes were fixed intently on Suzanne’s face, watching her every move, waiting for permission.

“…Yes.”

Jillian’s hands finally moved, her fingers reaching out, her touch hesitant and gentle. Her heart was in her throat as her fingertips made contact with the skin of Suzanne’s face, her fingers tracing the outline of her jaw, her touch as light as a feather. Jillian’s eyes fluttered shut, a shaky exhale leaving her lips as she touched Suzanne, finally.

The feeling of Suzanne’s skin against her fingertips was almost overwhelming. It was soft and warm, and her mind became dazed with a swirl of emotions. Jillian’s fingers gently traced the line of Suzanne’s jaw, then moved upwards, brushing her cheek, mapping out the shape of her face. Jillian’s thoughts were a mess of sensations, her mind and body on overdrive, every part of her focused entirely on Suzanne. Without thinking, she stepped even closer, her body instinctively drawing her forward, craving the contact, the nearness of Suzanne. A soft exhale escaped her lips.

“You didn’t confirm nor deny it. So, which one is it?”

The question broke through the haze of emotions in Jillian’s mind. She blinked, her eyes opening, her gaze refocusing on Suzanne’s face. Jillian’s fingers were still touching Suzanne’s cheek, her hand trembling slightly. She tried to find the words to explain, tried to put into words all the things she had been feeling for weeks, months now, the feelings she had been denying even to herself. Her voice came out low and hoarse, her heart a mess of nerves and hope.

”Do you really need me to say it?”

”Yes.”

Jillian felt her heart hammering in her chest. She tried to steady her emotions, but it was like trying to tame a storm. Her eyes searched Suzanne’s, her fingers slowly moving from her face to the underside of her jaw. Jillian’s touch is soft, almost reverential, as if she was touching something precious. Her voice was raw with emotion, the confession spilling forth like a dam broken open.

”I care about you... more than I should. I think about you. All the time. I want you. So much it hurts. I have… strong feelings for you.”

Suzanne stared straight into her eyes, and then leaned to kiss her. The feeling of Suzanne’s lips against hers was like a bolt of lightning, and she responded instantly, her hands immediately moving to wrap around Suzanne, pulling her closer. Jillian’s heart raced in her chest, her body almost boneless as she melted against Suzanne, her mouth moving against hers instinctively. It was as if a switch had been flipped, and all the desire, the need, the want she had been trying so long to ignore came crashing over her like a tsunami, threatening to pull her under. She moaned softly into Suzanne’s mouth, her fingers tangling in her hair.

She couldn’t get enough of Suzanne. She wanted more of her, wanted all of her, her mind and body overwhelmed by a whirlwind of emotion. Jillian’s mouth moved desperately against Suzanne’s, her tongue seeking entrance, desperate to taste her. She pushed Suzanne backwards until the woman fell down to the bed with a gasp. Jillian followed, settling over her, her weight pressing Suzannr into the mattress. The feeling of having the woman beneath her was almost painfully good, a rush of heat and desire coursing through her like fire. Jillian broke the kiss, only so she could trail her mouth down Suzanne’s neck, her teeth grazing the skin just above her pulse point.

Suzanne whimpered softly.

The sound was like music to Jillian’s ears, it fueled the fire growing in her stomach, the desire burning through her veins. She sucked on the sensitive skin of Suzanne's neck, marking her with a small, faint bruise yet again. Her hands roamed her body, wanting to touch every inch of her. Jillian pulled back for a moment, eyes dark with desire as she looked down at Suzanne. She took in the sight of Suzanne pinned under her, her hair a mess, her face flushed, her lips bruised and swollen.

Jillian could barely even think. Her body moved of its own accord, her hips pressing into Suzanne’s, pinning her more firmly into the mattress. She dipped her head, capturing Suzanne’s mouth in another heated kiss, her fingers gripping her wrists and pinning them above her. Jillian’s lips moved desperately against Suzanne's, her tongue tracing the outline of her bottom lip. Jillian kissed her like she was trying to devour her. She bit down on her lower lip, her fingers digging into her wrists almost painfully.

Jillian broke the kiss, pulling back just enough to look down at Suzanne.

“God you’re beautiful.”

“Thank you,” Suzanne said with a light blush on her face. ”Altough you shouldn’t say Lord’s name in vain,” she continued.

A chuckle escaped Jillian’s lips, her eyes tracing the curve of Suzanne’s face with unabashed appreciation.

"Oh, now you decide to remember your faith?"

“I always remember my faith. I just don’t think love is a sin.”

Jillian laughed softly, freeing Suzanne’s hands from her grip.

"Yes, Beatrice told me you think that.”

“Beatrice?”

Jillian nodded.

"Mhm... we had a talk."

“Oh dear.”

“She seemed concerned.”

Suzanne buried her face into her hands.

“What did she say to you?”

Jillian laughed and gently pried Suzanne’s hands away from her face, revealing her flushed cheeks.

"A lot of things. She was... worried about you."

“I love the girls, but they truly don’t know personal boundaries.”

Jillian chuckled at that, her fingers moving to trace the line of Suzanne’s jaw.

"No. They don't. But they mean well."

”I know.”

Jillian hummed, leaning down and pressing a gentle kiss to Suzanne’s collarbone.

"Especially Beatrice. She's very... perceptive. It's almost annoying."

Suzanne laughed. The sound of it made Jillianms heart swell, the sight of her smile making her want to kiss her all over again. She nuzzled her nose against Suzanne's collarbone, taking in the scent of her skin.

"You have a pretty laugh, you know that?" She murmured against Suzanne’s skin. One of Jillian’s hands moved up, brushing a strand of hair out of Suzanne’s face and tucking it behind her ear.

”Thank you,” Suzanne said, almost shyly.

Jillian smiled, the look on Suzanne’s face making her want to tease her, to make her squirm. There was a glint of mischief in her eyes as she spoke.

"You don't take compliments often, do you?"

”Not really.”

Jillian hummed, her fingers tracing Suzanne’s jawline gently. She was enjoying this, the way Suzanne flushed under her gaze, the way she responded to her every touch. Her voice was soft and smooth as honey, her words coming out low and intimate.

"I should make it my goal to compliment you more often, then. Maybe you'll get used to them."

”I don’t know how to react to them,” Suzanne said sheepishly.

The way Suzanne admitted that out loud made Jillian’s heart ache, a wave of affection washing over her. She wanted to shower her with compliments, wanted to tell her how beautiful and special she was until she believed it. Jillian’s hand moved from Suzanne’s jaw to her hair, her fingers twisting through soft strands.

"That's okay, I can teach you. I'll keep telling you how pretty you are, how smart you are, how you make my heart skip a beat. And you'll just have to learn to accept it."

”I can’t deal with you, Jillian,” Suzanne said, blushing. The sight of Suzanne blushing, the way she said her name, it was like fuel on the fire that was threatening to consume her. Jillian smiled slightly, leaning forward and pressing a kiss to the corner of her mouth.

"Mhm that's a shame because I'm not going anywhere, you're gonna have to get used to me."

”I’m counting on it.” Suzanne said as she tangled her hands into Jillian’s hair.

The feeling of Suzanne’s fingers in her hair makes her shiver, her heart hammering in her chest like a drum. Jillian leaned into Suzanne’s touch, letting her play with her hair. She pressed a kiss to her palm, her voice low and rough.

"Oh, sweetheart, if you keep doing that, you won't be able to walk straight tomorrow."