Archive of Our Own ^beta

“Come on,” Derek moaned in that voice. The one that said he was at his limit, the one that said he wasn't going to be able to play this game much longer. “It’s not here. We’ve been over and over the entire room. It isn't going to magically appear where you've looked four times, babe.”

It wasn’t that Hotch was panicked, per se, it was just that since Foyet’s attack he hadn’t been swimming without a wet shirt and now he’d promised his son he’d take him down all of the biggest slides in the whole water park and he’d forgotten the damn shirt. He knew where he'd left it - sitting neatly folded right in the top drawer of his dresser waiting for his next physical therapy session, he could see it now and he just refused to accept it.

He really couldn't believe he'd forgotten something so important.

“No one is gonna care. Everyone has seen scars before, baby.”

Derek’s sincerity was touching, but for Hotch it went deeper than people just seeing them. They weren't just scars, they told a story. They were shocking enough that people couldn’t help it, they had to ask how he came by such a tapestry of mangled flesh. Some of them had healed up smooth, neat, and were pale pink after a year...others were angry, deep red, puckered, looked like they might just split right open and spew fire if you looked too long. How do you explain to a waterpark full of children where all these scars came from? How do you water down that story?

“Aaron, sweetheart, come on.” It was the last of his patience, Hotch knew, when he pulled out the sweetheart part. He was doing everything he could to remain empathetic, to show that he did actually care. Because he did. He cared deeply. It was just that Jessica and Jack were waiting for them at the pool and Jessica's texts were getting increasingly impatient - she might not be so gentle. She rarely was.

He was standing in the bathroom, shirtless, just staring into the mirror with a burning lump in his throat. His head throbbed with the beginnings of a stress headache entirely of his own creation. He promised Jack he would do this and he couldn’t break that promise now, he just had to gather the courage to face it.

He could face monsters, the worst human beings anyone could imagine, but a water park full of children who would surely stare at him? It made him sick in a way he would rather not admit to. So, he splashed some cold water on his face, swallowed the taste of bile and put on his t-shirt. The t-shirt that would have to come off before he got on a slide, the t-shirt that would sit on his chair with his towel and wait for him to return.

Finally, he walked out of the bathroom and met Derek’s eyes. There was shame there, and fear, two things Derek was not used to seeing on Hotch's face.

“Baby,” Derek said, approaching him slowly, gently. “It’s all good. I promise.”

“It isn’t…” Hotch started breathlessly, attempting to articulate the thoughts rolling around in his head. “What if Jack is embarrassed?” His voice broke and he shook his head. Derek could hardly believe his ears.

“Embarrassed of what? His badass hero dad?”

“His dad that looks like he had a date with a wood-chipper.”

“You know he doesn’t think about it like that. He’s little, all he knows is that you’re a hero. You save people and it’s dangerous work.”

In truth, even Derek hadn’t seen his scars many times. Hotch kept his t-shirt on when they had sex, and no matter how many times Derek told him that there was nothing about them that would turn him off, tried to coax him into taking the shirt off, Hotch couldn't quite get past it. He’d only recently begun letting Derek’s hands explore beneath the t-shirt, only recently let him begin to memorize each scar without the gift of sight to help. He knew, in that way, how bad this must be. How unbearable the pressure had to be. And if he hadn’t promised Jack he’d take him down the slide, he would just sit beside the pools all day fully covered and be perfectly content.

Derek had to be gentle, he had to be patient with this one. It was one issue he couldn't force.

They were at the water park because it had been a year since Haley died. One full year on their own. Lots of bumps in the road, a lot of arguing and crying and simply not knowing how to carry on but refusing to give up. He'd taught his son how to tie his shoes and taught himself how to be a father, there was a pretty steep learning curve he found out. This was supposed to be their first trip as an accidental family of two, getting out of town and away from everything that screamed real life for the anniversary of everything that happened. They planned it for weeks, and though the relationship with Derek was relatively new and still in the feeling things out phase, Jack one day woke up and begged and pleaded with Hotch to invite him. He was inconsolable when Hotch said he couldn't, they couldn't both be away from work at the same time and would Derek really want to spend a few hard earned days off in a loud chlorine soaked nightmare? Hotch was already having anxiety and they'd only just begun the planning. But Jack went behind his back and asked him anyway, and to Hotch's surprise, Derek agreed to come along on the trip and Strauss signed off on it. Her maternal instincts overrode everything else and she agreed that doing something for Jack was important, too important to deny for work, and even told them she’d help the team out in their absence.

“Let’s go,” Hotch said, stepping into his sandals. “Before I change my mind.”

"Can't change your mind."

"Watch me," Hotch muttered.

It was the off-season, but at an indoor water park attached to a hotel it was never really quiet. Kids ran around the place screaming and laughing, down the halls and through the pool areas. There were several gift shops and restaurants, all of which were magnets for unaccompanied children having the times of their lives. Derek had already scoured all of the gift shops for an acceptable replacement for Hotch's wet shirt, but unless he suddenly returned to the size he was at twelve years old he was shit out of luck. Hotch appreciated Derek's attempts to help him, especially when he considered that Derek thought it was more than a little unnecessary.

After some wandering around they managed to find Jessica and Jack sitting in a nice little spot with a few chairs and a pile of concession stand food and drinks. Jessica was a pushover when it came to Jack. She would chew Hotch out the minute they were alone for as long as it took him to get his ass out of that room but if Jack wanted nachos and a corndog and a pretzel and an ice cream…he certainly would have them all.

“Dad!” he exclaimed, standing and rushing toward him. “Did you find your suit?”

“Ah...no…” he said. Jack’s features fell immediately with the realization. Hotch smiled wearily. “I’m still going to take you on the slide…”

“Really?!”

“As long as you don’t mind.”

“Mind what?” Jack asked, his big eyes about as full of innocence as anything. Derek smiled and patted Hotch on the back of the shoulder.

“Told ya.”

“Dad?”

“Nothing. Let’s finish that pretzel and we’ll go hit some slides, okay?”

He looked around, trying to figure out how this was going to go. Trying to anticipate questions, what answers he could reasonably give that wouldn’t traumatize every child in the place.

As it turned out, he didn’t need to worry. He wasn’t answering the questions, it was Jack. “My dad’s an FBI Agent! He gets the bad guys!” Every time, without fail, Jack would announce Hotch’s heroism when anyone asked how in the world he got all those scars. By the time they actually got to the top of the first slide, word had traveled fast and Hotch was the talk of the whole place. He wasn't sure what people were saying about him, but he could be relatively certain that most of it wasn't even true at this point. It made his stomach ache.

The employee at the top of the slide looked him up and down a little nervously, and Jack asked if he could please please please go down first. "Brave kid," the employee said after sending Jack down the slide. Hotch smiled and nodded as he seated himself and waited.

"He is."

(x)

“You’re famous,” Derek said when Hotch came back after several intense slides with a towel draped over his shoulders. He scrubbed at his hair, drying it, letting it stand up in unruly black spikes. He looked ten years younger and almost happy. “You should hear what the moms at the bar are saying. I’ve got some competition.”

Hotch, smiling sweetly, just shook his head. “No you don’t.” He'd never meant anything more in his life.

Jack managed to talk Hotch into more slides, and he had to admit that he was actually having fun and he did sort of enjoy not having to deal with the wet shirt as he hit the water. Each time they went up, Jack insisted that he go first so he could get into the water first and watch his dad come shooting out of the slide after like a bullet. The way he squealed with delight gave Hotch the strength to keep going back, over and over, even when the twists and turns and water in his ears started to make his head spin. Derek joined them a few times, but kid-filled pools were not his idea of fun and he bailed after one or two. He wasn’t overly fond of swimming in general, he preferred to lounge poolside and enjoy an adult beverage or two but the waterpark had a swim up bar and he and Jessica were making good use of it. He did like being in the water, he liked being wet, he just didn't want to play. He wanted to relax.

“Look at that,” Jessica said, handing Derek a pale green margarita in a small plastic cup and pointing toward where Hotch and Jack were being chatted up by a mom in a bikini and her daughter in the shallow water. Derek could see the goosebumps rushing up Hotch's arms from where he stood, the way his forearms flushed almost purple. The little girl was splashing Jack, much to his apparent chagrin if the scowl on his face was anything to go by, and Hotch looked like he just wanted to get away. Derek and Jessica watched with unwavering amusement.

“What do you think she’s saying?” Jess asked. Derek grinned.

“She’s telling him that she thinks he’s so brave,” Derek said. “That she imagines his wife must be so worried...oh, you aren’t married? Oh...a man like you…” his voice had raised an octave and had Jessica bursting at the seams trying to contain her laughter. Jack was now splashing the little girl back and giggling along with her, leaving his scowl in the dust, and Hotch's teeth were beginning to chatter. “How could your wife have left you? And that sweet little boy!” he continued, and Jessica rolled her eyes.

“Do women really say things like that?”

“To guys like him? Yeah. All the time. There’s this woman who works in the cafeteria at Quantico that has been trying to crawl into his bed for years. Word traveled fast about Haley serving him with papers and you better believe she was hitting it hard. She doesn’t give up, I’ll give her that. When Haley died, she started laying it on thick.”

“Does she know about you?”

“Nah. That’s on a need to know basis. I'm cool with these ladies having their fantasies. He's a good looking guy, I get it.”

“Some woman hitting on your man isn’t need to know?”

“I ain't worried, mama. You heard the man. I don’t have any competition.”

“He is the poster child for monogamy.”

They watched as he finally managed to extricate himself from the conversation, his cheeks and neck flushing, completely embarrassed and freezing to death. They swam toward the bar, Hotch stopping Jack before he went too far. There was a line in the water he couldn’t cross and Hotch didn't cross it either, but he stayed tucked neatly beneath the surface of the water for a moment because somehow it was more comfortable. It warmed him up and soothed the ache in his stomach, that gnawing pain that settled in when he started to think a little too much about Foyet. He could still feel the cold steel slipping into him, he could feel Foyet's fingers searching inside of him, and there was no tall tale that these people could make up that would ever be able to tear him away from that. The fear of showing his scars had turned into wishing he could cover them up so he could just stop talking about them and hearing about them. So he could just stop thinking about Foyet.

“Hey hot-stuff,” Derek said, noting the serious look on Hotch's face. He could tell he was going to a dark place and desperately tried to pull him back before it ruined the day. “Can I buy the most eligible bachelor in the building a drink?”

Jessica downed her margarita quickly and swam toward Jack, no stranger to that stormy look herself. She knew he needed a break and she was willing to switch places with him. Derek might be here to relax but she wanted to have some fun. She had stuffed her body into a bright pink leopard print bikini from sometime around Y2K and she was damn well going to put it to good use. “Let’s go to the surf zone, huh? I’ll teach you how to ride the waves, the line doesn't look very long.”

“You know how to surf?!”

“I lived in San Diego, of course I know how to surf. You want to know something even cooler?” Now she was really selling it and Hotch felt his insides twist.

“What!”

“Your dad knows how to surf, too. He’s actually really good at it. He and your mom used to come and visit and we would spend hours at the beach.”

Jack stared at his dad with a kind of wonder in his eyes that almost brought Hotch to tears. If the day hadn't been so overwhelming already, he might be more inclined to indulge it but he didn't think he could take another moment of the spotlight. He was more than ready to head back to the hotel room and hide in the dark for a few hours to recharge before going to dinner. And yet, when Jack spoke next, there was no other answer he could give but yes. There was no hesitation.

“Will you take me over there too dad?! Will you come surfing with us?”

“Sure, buddy. I’m going to spend a few minutes with Derek first, I’ll meet you over there.”

“Can you surf?!” Jack asked, turning to Derek with an excitement that was almost palpable. Derek laughed and shook his head adamantly. No shame in his game. He couldn't surf, he didn't want to surf, it was possible he'd never been less interested in something in his life.

“Hell no.”

“Me neither. Maybe dad and aunt Jessica can teach us!”

Hotch smiled sweetly at Derek, thinking back to the hotel room, back to Derek's speech about sucking it up. “I’d love to.”

“No way. Not gonna happen.”

“Hey. Be brave.”

“I’m gonna look like a fool.”

“Join the club.”

Hotch ordered a beer and sipped it beside Derek, enjoying his presence, enjoying the safety in it. He didn't have to exist in a world of made up stories with Derek, he didn't have to pretend to be something he wasn't and he definitely didn't have to hide that he was not, for the moment, okay. He was very not okay and yet Derek made him feel like that wasn't such a big deal. Like he could get through it.

"I'll run to Wal-Mart in the morning and find you a swim shirt," Derek said quietly. "You did the thing tonight, but maybe a whole long weekend of this is a bit much."

"Thank you," Hotch replied quietly, already feeling a sense of peace. "I appreciate it."

"Will that get me out of surfing?"

"Not a chance."

The two of them were garnering so many looks that it was hard to decide who it was that was getting more interest: Derek and his godlike appearance glistening in the crystalline water or Hotch and the larger than life stories being spread about him from family to family. People might just be inclined to explode if they found out that they slept together. It was too powerful.

“Thank you for coming with us,” Hotch said after a long and enjoyable silent stretch after finishing his beer. Already he was starting to feel less anxious, less on edge. It wasn't the beer.

“What? Yeah. Of course, man. This is fun.”

“No, I mean it. I know that taking on a family is a big deal, especially one...like this. What you’ve given us is something I thought I could never...”

“Aaron…” Derek said, moving close, grabbing his hand under the water. “This works because we all needed it. I was ready for a family and this one is perfect.”

“This one? The one with the kid who lost his mom, the scarred pathetic divorcee and the ex-wife’s bossy sister?”

“That’s the one. The four of us make one hell of a team. I wouldn't give it up for anything and I'm thankful every day that you guys let me in.”

“One more beer, and then we can go hit the wave machine. By the time we get over there, Jack will already be a pro.”

“You’re really gonna make me do this? You're gonna make me get my ass on a board and make a fool of myself in front of all these kids?”

“I am. You’re tough, right?”

How many times had Derek asked him that question before a long, grueling workout? He was glad to hand it back. It wasn’t hard to imagine Derek surfing, and Hotch was more than a little excited to share this with him. It had been a long time since he’d been, he might be eating his words soon enough. A wipeout might be just what he needed to get rid of the attention following him around like a lost puppy. Feet in the air, face in the water, it couldn't be less cool. He might just give it a shot.

"Hey," Derek said after ordering a tequila shot to try and loosen himself up for what was undoubtedly going to be the worst hour of his life. "I'm proud of you. And for what it's worth…those scars? Hardly noticeable."

"Liar."

"What if I said they were kinda sexy?"

"I would say that you're not getting out of learning how to surf by trying to get me to hop into bed with you."

"It was worth a shot."

"Yes it was."