Chapter Text
A harsh knock on his door drew Izuku from his spiraling. He knew exactly who was on the other side of his door, and he did not want to face him. Izuku curled into himself, trying to wrap himself in Blackwhip, but quickly realized that he couldn't do that anymore. The tears streamed sideways off his face, dampening his pillow. The knocking grew more insistent.
"Oi nerd! I know you're in there. Let me the fuck in!" Katsuki's voice might have seemed angry to anyone else, but Izuku could hear the concern and anxiety laced in it. Right now, Izuku just wanted to be left alone. He needed to mourn his last ember by himself. The smile he plastered on his face since he left the training room was a facade. Only the four walls of his dorm room were privy to the panic attack and existential crisis Izuku was having.
The knocking had turned into a ceaseless banging, and Izuku knew Aizawa would be unhappy if there was any more property damage from either of them. He sighed. The cold water bottle he grabbed after his training came in handy to splash water on his face and roll over any remaining redness. After throwing on his ratty All Might hoodie he opened the door.
"Sorry Kacchan I was out on the balcony and had my headphones in," Izuku mumbled, looking up at his friend. Katsuki had two hands on his doorframe and was stretching his arms as he leaned into Izuku's space. Izuku's heart jumped into his throat as Katsuki's eyes examined him closely. Katsuki had only grown taller and stronger since the War. His old black tanktop did nothing to hide the muscles flexing in his chest and arms.
Katsuki was the boy he had admired as a kid, his most precious person, and now the one he wanted to hold close. After the War, he uncovered the feelings he had buried for so long. But he knew he could never deserve Katsuki, and now that his last ember was gone, that was especially true.
"You're a fucking liar, Izuku," Katsuki barked out as he flopped onto Izuku's bed, leaning back against the wall. Katsuki had softened considerably since the War. Dying tended to have that effect. He had told Izuku that he thought of Izuku in his moments of death, and Izuku had tried not to overthink what that could mean. He knew that Katsuki saw him as a rival and a friend, but to ask for anything more was just plain greedy.
"What do you mean Kacchan?" Izuku bit down on his lip hard, almost drawing blood. He had never been that good at lying, but he was especially bad at lying to Katsuki. He could keep his feelings a secret because he had always looked at Katsuki like he hung the stars and sun in the sky. But Izuku knew that he wouldn't be able to keep his current secret for long.
Katsuki lay on his bed and patted for Izuku to lay beside him. This was how they had their late night chats in the hospital. Katsuki had showed up one night and demanded that Izuku scoot over. They talked about Katsuki's apology, Shigaraki leaving Katsuki as a present for Izuku, and Katsuki's final thoughts before dying.
Those nights were the true start of their friendship.
"You never keep shit from me. I fucking know all your tricks, idiot. You've been crying. Do you really think a cheap ass trick with your water bottle is enough to fool me?" Katsuki pinched his nose and took deep breaths. It was a testament to the anger management he had taken to make sure he didn't stress his heart out that he could even have this conversation.
Izuku tossed the water bottle between his hands, avoiding eye contact. Katsuki saw through every defense Izuku had. But he couldn't tell Katsuki about the last ember. The last time he'd told Katsuki he was quirkless, he'd lost their friendship. He'd spent so long building it back these past few years and it was the only thing he cherished more than the embers.
"I'm a big crybaby, Kacchan. You tell me that all the time. It's really not a big deal," Izuku feigned nonchalance, getting up and moving to his desk. He pulled out some melon pan and tossed it to Katsuki. The other boy tossed it back at him, and kept his eyes on Izuku. His gaze softened imperceptibly.
"This was a big deal though, right? I was cooking in the kitchen and I could hear you sobbing over the exhaust fan, And that shit was set on high, Izuku," Katsuki shuffled forward on the bed so his knees were on the outside of Izuku's knees. There was a moment of indecision before he reached out and put his hands on Izuku's thighs. The warmth of Katsuki's hand centered him in his body. He didn't realize he had been dissociating since his last training earlier today.
Izuku opened his mouth but no words came out. He felt a lump in his throat and the tears began to fall again. He heard Katsuki swear under his breath and use one hand to brush away his tears. But the tears kept coming. He was reminded of the time he had first told Katsuki that he had lost One For All and he had started crying. Back then, Izuku had been much better at controlling his heart. But his restraint weakened over the years. As the embers diminished, and he watched his friends move forward, Izuku found it harder to pretend.
He had retreated into himself, slowly closing himself off from the ones who cared. And they became so preoccupied with their internships and training that they didn't notice how often Izuku was alone in his room. The only one who consistently knocked on his door was sitting in front of him, and he couldn't lose that connection.
"I—can't. I can't—Kacchan please!" Izuku sobbed into his sleeves, trying to make himself small. He hoped he could disappear. He didn't matter anymore. He wasn't the hero who saved Japan. He was a crybaby quirkless nobody.
"Izuku!" Katsuki's voice sounded alarmed. He gently removed Izuku's sleeves so he could take his face into his hands and Izuku couldn't turn away. "I told you that you never have to carry your burdens alone," Izuku hated how much he yearned for Katsuki to comfort him. He couldn't keep hoarding his affection, no matter how much he wanted to. "I can be there for you, idiot. You just have to let me,"
The familiar ache returns. He knew how it felt to fall into Katsuki's arms and be caught. It had happened when he had finally come home after being a vigilante. Since then he often found himself wanting to fall into Katsuki's arms over and over again.
But what if Katsuki wouldn't be there to catch him now?
"I'm sorry, Kacchan," Izuku stood up and went out onto the balcony, sitting down and pulling his knees to his chest. Katsuki followed him and sat down cross-legged beside him. They sat in silence, watching the sunset. Izuku's mind kept racing with all the fears and doubts for his future. Through it all, Katsuki sat beside him, occasionally turning worriedly to study his face.
"Keep your door unlocked. I'll be back nerd," Katsuki got up, and when he returned with two bowls of Katsudon, Izuku realized how hungry he was. Izuku accepted the bowl, and they ate in silence as the stars appeared in the night sky.
Izuku kept waiting for Katsuki to leave, but he forgot how stubborn they were about each other.
And suddenly, Izuku felt very ashamed. Out of everyone, he should have kept in mind how much Katsuki had changed since childhood. He wasn't the middle school bully who told Izuku to jump off the roof anymore. He was the friend who saved his life, who cooked him Katsudon, who knocked on his door when he isolated himself, who cried because they wouldn't get to live out their dreams together, and who thought of him in his last moments.
He was underestimating Katsuki, and no one, not even Izuku, should ever do that.
So Izuku gathered all his courage and turned to face his oldest friend. Katsuki had been looking up at the night sky, but he immediately turned to face Izuku. If anyone could be strong for Izuku in this moment, it was Katsuki. If Izuku fell, Katsuki would catch him every single time.
"It's gone," Izuku was finally clear-headed. This time he didn't cry or spiral. He just watched Katsuki's face go from a look of confusion to understanding. Katsuki was silent for a moment before he rocked forward and enveloped Izuku in a tight embrace. Izuku froze in shock. Katsuki didn't offer hugs. Despite his growth, he was still not one to initiate physical affection with people. When he pulled back, he found an unwavering look of resolve on Katsuki's face.
"Are you ready to talk about it?" Katsuki asked softly, so softly and gently like he was speaking to a small child. But Katsuki didn't even speak to small children that tenderly. Izuku shook his head. That was the most he could talk about the embers tonight without having a breakdown. "I'll just say that your quirk didn't make you a hero. The last time you were quirkless, you ran to save me from the sludge villain. You were my hero then and you are still my hero now. I will be by your side for as long as you'll have me," Katsuki stood up and offered his hand.
Izuku gasped, Katsuki's words sounded like a marriage proposal. He reached up and took Katsuki's hand, and was immediately pulled up into another hug. Izuku worried that he had been hit by a quirk and dropped into an alternate dimension.
"Thanks Kacchan," Izuku responded shyly, feeling a brush creeping up on his face and neck. Katsuki smirked at him, but then the smirk turned into a small genuine smile. Izuku almost forgot about the ember as the smile was burned into his memory instead.
As he headed back to his bed, he felt a tightness in his chest at the thought of being alone. He glanced at Katsuki who was hovering near the door.
"Fuck it," Katsuki turned back and looked at Izuku with steely determination, "I'm staying here tonight, nerd. Let me go get changed and I'll be back. Don't you dare lock me out, Izuku. I will blast your door open this time," Katsuki nodded awkwardly before shuffling out the door.
Izuku giggled to himself like an idiot. This was the first smile he hadn't faked in a while. As promised, Katsuki returned. Unexpectedly, he was wearing the All Might onesie Izuku bought him as a gag gift for his birthday. Izuku giggled some more and made Katsuki close his eyes as he changed into the matching onesie he had.
After they lay down side by side under the covers, Izuku felt brave enough to respond to what Katsuki had said to him earlier.
"I want to stay by your side too, Kacchan," Izuku played the frayed ends of his comforter and stared at the ceiling instead of the gorgeous boy in his bed. "I just got so scared that you wouldn't want that anymore if I can't be a Pro-Hero with you,"
Katsuki wasn't a scaredy-cat like Izuku so he turned onto his side and propped his head up on his hand. He reached over on hand to gently cup Izuku's cheek and turn his face toward him. Izuku's eyes grew impossibly wide and he nuzzled into Katsuki's palm instinctively.
"You were brave enough to tell me about your embers so I'm going to be even more brave. Are you ready to hear my biggest secret? It's one I've been keeping from you for years," Katsuki looked at Izuku fondly as Izuku sat up quickly, giving himself a head rush.
"Did All Might give you a secret plan to give me my quirk back?" Izuku half-joked, but his heart was beating fast. He only had one guess for what this secret could be based on how tenderly Katsuki held his face, but he couldn't get his hopes up.
"You know I would if I could," Katsuki became lost in thought for a moment, but then he snapped back with a blazing intensity, "I'm fucking shit at words. I'm just gonna end up messing shit up if I try to speak. Can I just show you?" Izuku nodded quickly. Katsuki leaned in slowly. "Punch me if you don't want this Izuku," Katsuki murmured as his eyes closed. His soft lips hovered close to Izuku's chapped ones, and Izuku worried his bottom lip. He had dreamt of this for so long, but now that it was happening, he didn't know what to do.
Before Izuku could overthink, Katsuki's lips pressed firmly against Izuku's and it felt like coming home. It felt like falling into his arms after sleepless nights spent as a vigilante. It felt like the warmth and the sweet caramel smell after one of Katsuki's blasts. Their lips fit together like they were meant to be. Izuku bit down on Katsuki's lower lip and heard Katsuki sigh. Izuku squinted one eye open and found that Katsuki was openly staring at him in awe so he pulled back.
" Oh —" Izuku drew in a shaky breath and brought a scarred hand to his mouth. He had never really thought much about what would happen if Katsuki wanted him like he wanted Katsuki. But that kiss was so gentle and sweet. There was no question that Katsuki loved him. He didn't need the words when it was written all over his face.
"Shit," The tips of Katsuki's ears were bright pink, "S'okay?" Izuku scrambled forward, deciding to take the reins and be even braver for Katsuki. He placed his hands on Katsuki's shoulders and sat in his lap. Katsuki's pupils dilated and he looked out of his depth. Izuku couldn't make it too easy for the love of his life though.
"Why'd you kiss me Kacchan?" Izuku wrapped his legs around Katsuki's tiny waist and watched Katsuki get increasingly flustered. He clearly didn't expect this forwardness from Izuku. Katsuki leaned back a little and Izuku leaned forward. They played like this until their lips were dangerously close again. Izuku closed the distance and gave Katsuki two quick hard kisses. Katsuki looked dazed, like Izuku had smooched the brain cells out of his head.
"Uh. Well, you know, because..." Katsuki fiddled with the loose hem of Izuku's hoodie looking uncharacteristically bashful. Izuku decided to have mercy on the poor boy.
"I'll tell you why I kissed you Kacchan if you want," Izuku yanked Katsuki forward by the nape of his neck and whispered in his ear. "I love you, Kacchan. You don't have to say it because I know you do. That's why you'll stay by my side, right?" Katsuki's face grew redder than his eyes. Izuku giggled and traced the curve of Katsuki's lips with his tongue. Katsuki sunk his hands into Izuku's green curls and their mouths crashed together with a hunger that had simmered for years. Izuku mouthed down his jaw and sucked on the hollow between his neck and shoulder.
"You're a menace, Deku," Katsuki pushed Izuku off of him and jumped under the covers, peeking up at Izuku adorably. Izuku curled into Kacchan. A muscular arm wrapped around his middle and secured him against Katsuki's toned torso. Izuku chomped down on his bicep and Katsuki groaned, hiding his face in the crook of Izuku's neck timidly. "You're all mine, okay? I'm not as much of an asshole but I'm still selfish and I need you to be mine,"
"Oh Kacchan I've always been yours," Izuku whispered. He knew that in the morning he'd have to have a real conversation about his embers and their relationship, but for now he could fall into Katsuki's arms and know that everything would turn out okay.