Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Could he only blame himself? Was he allowed to? Was he supposed to? It’s not like losing his memories was his fault, just a product of the merge.. But should he have been safer? More careful? 

No, blaming himself wasn’t right. As much as he wanted to.. As much as he wanted to scold himself for not trying to find out more about his friends and family sooner, it wasn’t really his fault. He couldn’t have prevented any of this happening. Not at all.

Things were supposed to be okay now. He was supposed to be back home, happy and safe. Free from those that lied and tormented him. Free from those that used him. He wasn’t at the Administration anymore. He wasn’t under Ras’ control anymore. He wasn’t a cold, ruthless bounty hunter. He was just Jay. A new, memory-full Jay. 

Could he call himself Jay? He didn’t feel like Jay. He didn’t feel like the same person he was before the merge, and his title had been stolen from him by this cruel person he’d become without his memories. That’s how everyone saw him now even with his memories returned. That’s how he saw himself. That’s what he saw when he looked in the mirror.

His hair was shorter now. Nya had helped him to cut it. It’d been a silent session, Jay not having anything to say and Nya not wanting to say the wrong thing. The way he’d gotten his memories back was so brutal, he didn’t want to think about it. Nobody brought it up. Everything just seemed to hit him at once, all he remembered was being in a state of panic and shock. He still hasn’t recovered from it, despite it being a few months ago. Months. It felt like years. It felt like life was dragging him along at a snail’s pace. He had made zero progress in returning to his old self, even if he had everything he needed. 

Well, almost.

He had the Monastery - which wasn’t the same. It was refurbished, everything except his room. He barely recognised it when he roamed the halls this first full day he had his memories back. It was the same building, but it didn’t feel like the same comforting place he knew so well. 

He had his memories - which weren’t the same. They felt cold and distant. They didn’t bring him happiness like they did so many years ago, and that wasn’t including the countless trauma he’d been through. Though, when his memories had suddenly returned, it felt like everything happened to him all at once. Every tough moment he had to face, every death he had to witness, every hard fight he had once fought… It came rushing back to him like a hammer hitting his head. It truly did ache. It truly did hurt. Some of the memories that once brought him joy way back when only brought him pain now, even if they were happy and smitten. There was absolutely nothing he could think of that made him even the slightest bit happy now. 

He had Ninjago - which wasn’t the same. No thanks to the merge, Jay didn’t know Ninjago anymore. He’d travelled quite a lot of the merged realms after losing his memory but that all felt so distant now too, especially with his memory of what Ninjago used to look like. He couldn't even call this place Ninjago anymore because he had no idea what realm he was in. He didn’t hate the world that was surrounding him, he just hated the fact he’d lost the land he loved and cherished and saved countless times.. Not to mention, all of his comfort places were gone. Gone . 

He had the ninja. 

…

Did he really have the ninja?

It didn’t feel like it.

He remembered them trying to get him back, to convince him to return to the team, to try to get his memories to return.. They tracked him down… Sort of.

Jay was fully aware about what happened at the tournament. He knew of the conversation the team had had about not chasing after Jay when Ras had kicked him from the grounds. He knew of the conversation about saving the world because without saving the world, there wouldn’t be a Jay to save. 

It would be a lie to say he didn’t feel at least a little bitter about it. He understood. He did. But he couldn’t help but question what could’ve happened if they did bother to chase after him. To rescue him. His life went to complete and utter shit after he left those tournament grounds.

He had nothing. He had no one. Though, it wasn’t like he’d ever had anyone after the merge anyway. 

Every time he found himself thinking about what could’ve been, about the ninja chasing straight after him, he smiled to himself. It was a beautiful thought. 

But almost a year after the tournament finished, here Jay was at the Monastery, his memories returned, his head throbbing and heart aching.

Now that he was somewhat sane, now that he remembered everything he and the team had been through, his smile could barely form the longer time passed. The longer he settled back into this building he didn’t recognise with this team he didn’t recognise.

He hated to think about what would’ve happened if the roles were reversed. If it were Jay that was on the team, happy and healthy, fighting at that tournament. If it were someone else in Jay’s shoes, without memories, lost and alone.. He hated to think that if it were Nya or Kai missing, the team would drop everything to chase after them.

Maybe things were just different after the merge but how would Jay know any different? From what he remembered, the entire team dropped everything and risked their lives and the world to chase after Zane when he was trapped in the Never Realm. A whole other realm. Jay hadn’t been that far away from the ninja when they decided not to follow behind. The team had released a dangerous criminal, risking the future of the world, to save Nya from the ocean. 

But like he thought, maybe things were just different now. He didn’t know the team anymore. They were different. There were new members. They all had their own new dynamics and friendships. 

Jay, as heartbreaking as it was to admit, wasn’t apart of any of it. He’d been apart from the team for so long, for so many years, that they’d gotten used to not having him around. They’d gotten used to carrying on life without him. Was it any surprise that after years of Jay being missing, after years of doing just fine without him, they didn’t want to drop what they were doing to chase after someone that didn’t even remember them? He didn’t have the right to be upset over that, did he? 

But he at least hoped that when his memories did return, that when he was officially back with the team, that things would return to what he thought of as ‘normal’. He thought his friendships would be the same, or that he could quickly reconcile them. He thought that everyone would be static to have him back. That they’d throw a big celebration party or something. Or have a nice dinner. Or that they’d all crowd around a table and laugh about the good old times. The good old times that didn’t feel so long ago for Jay.

They didn’t.

It was just like any normal day. Or what the team now called a normal day. It certainly wasn’t normal for Jay.

Jay rested. He rested for days.. Weeks . Nya visited him to make sure he was okay, to make sure he was alive and well and healthy. She didn’t trust that he wouldn’t do something stupid with how quiet and closed off he was. It was to be expected though. He’d remembered so much about himself, about his past, about the people around him… It was bound to be difficult.

But they never had a proper conversation. They never talked things out. Their conversation was small talk, it was awkward and nervous. Jay was completely and utterly shattered while Nya just pitied him. When Jay did feel like actually talking or having company, Nya was always busy with training Sora and Wyldfyre, or off on some mission. Jay never got invited on the missions. 

He wasn’t sure if they just didn’t see him as part of the team anymore or if it was because they wanted him to rest. He couldn’t know. It’s not like anyone talked to him.

The merge had stripped him of so much. His memories, his life, his family and friends. And even when he was in the same building, in the same room, as the people he cared about most, they didn’t seem to care about him at all. It was almost as if he didn’t exist.

And that’s what hurt the most. The fact he was in the same building he’d lived in for so long, surrounded by the people he lived with for so long, and yet he felt like a complete stranger to all of it was just so soul crushing. He didn’t feel alive anymore. He felt like a ghost. There was never anything more than just a simple ‘hi’ as they passed one another in the corridor.

Everyone had their new bonds, their new friendships, and Jay wasn’t a part in any of it. Kai and Wyldfyre hung out all the time, Nya sometimes joining them. Lloyd worked with Arin and Sora. Zane and Pixal weren’t even there when Jay regained his memory, and they were aware because Nya had told him that she informed them of his ‘recovery’. 

And Cole… The person he probably cherished the most out of anyone, the person he cared about the most, and had the strongest bond with… He just didn’t care. Sure, he was there to make sure Jay was okay for a little while when he first got his memories back but Jay had barely been conscious then. He could barely acknowledge who was in the room. After that, Jay rarely saw him. He spent most of his time at the Land of Lost Things with his new family, with his new best friend Geo. Jay was happy he found them, that he wasn’t alone, but was it wrong for Jay to feel bitter? 

All he wanted right now was a good conversation with the person he called his best friend.

I guess not anymore.

It was the merge’s fault. The merge had taken everything from Jay. Everything he loved was gone . 

He had nothing. He had no one. With or without his memories.

But nothing would change, nothing would get better, unless he pushed through the crushing ache in his chest, the constant agonising pounding in his head, and try to regain everything he once had. Even if every second of it was painful.

Except when he did try, when he finally pushed himself out of bed for the first time in what felt like months, he could barely get himself to stand. He ached so badly, not because of his memories, but because of how he felt. Because of how heavy everything was. He didn’t have the energy for anything.

And all this time spent in bed, he hadn’t even really done anything. He hadn’t loaded his phone - which had sat in the top drawer of his bedside table for years . He hadn’t opened the curtains to let some light in. He hadn’t tidied up. One of the first days he’d been back, while still trying to wrap his head around everything, he’d completely trashed his room. He hadn’t meant to, not really. It was out of frustration at himself more than anything, but the added weight of nobody really caring was enough to send him over the edge. He ripped down posters he had once loved. He ripped up pictures he had once hung. He had accidentally broken his bookshelf, though that wasn’t done on purpose, it was just old and needed replacing. But the thing that bothered him the most was the fact he’d thrown a framed picture at the wall, purely out of anger and without even looking at what the picture was. After his out of pocket rage, he’d gotten into bed, sobbed for hours and ended up falling asleep.

It was a few days later that he finally picked up the picture, regretting everything he’d done and broken, and that’s when the guilt really hit him.

It was his most prized possession. A picture of 7 year old him with his parents, Ed and Edna. Jay had finished making his first ever invention all by himself, without the help of his parents. It’d worked perfectly. Edna had taken a picture to remember the moment, naming it her favourite picture of the family together. When Jay moved to the Monastery to become a ninja, Edna had given it to him. She hoped it’d help him feel at home. From that moment on, it had become the most important thing he owned. 

And now it was broken. All because he was angry for a moment. Angry at what? The world? The people he cared about? 

The glass and frame would be easy to replace but that wasn’t the point. He had broken it. He had broken the only picture he had displayed of his parents, the only picture he’d had for the longest time. The only object he’d taken the most care of. 

It was his own fault.

But this moment wasn’t about that. The last thing he needed to do was think about that or his parents. He didn't know where they were. He didn’t know if they were even alive. The thought of them being out there somewhere, hoping and praying they’d come across their son again was the only thing that really kept him sane nowadays. They were the only people he trusted to care about him no matter what. After all, they’d taken him in when they didn’t have the finances for a child, when they didn’t have the space for a child. They’d taken him in as their own and cared for him ever since. If there was anyone that would care, it would be them.

Maybe if he didn’t feel like complete and utter shit 24/7, he’d attempt to search for them. But maybe the idea of not finding them at all, or worse - finding something to suggest they weren’t alive anymore - seemed so much worse than just staying here and dealing with the consequences of his actions.

After all, he didn’t want to leave the team. He still loved them, even if they didn’t love him. 

He dragged himself, almost literally, to the door. His breath hitched, his head throbbing. He knew the light of the corridor compared to the darkness of his room would be blinding. It’d give him a horrific headache. But it’d be worth it in the end, right? The first person he’d come across would be the victim of his waffle, if he could even waffle anymore. 

He wanted to pretend like everything was fine and that nothing had changed at all. That this place was the exact same as it was before the merge. Perhaps that’s why he didn’t leave his room. Because it was the only room within the Monastery that had stayed the same. It was somewhat comforting.

But change was inevitable, he remembered Wu saying once. 

Though, the thought of Wu made his stomach churn. He cared for the master, he did, but he sure was glad he wasn’t here. Jay wasn’t sure what he’d do after finding out his very own master was the one that caused the merge. The merge that took everything from him.

Jay sucked in a sharp, deep breath as much as it hurt and prepared himself for the worst. 

With a shaky hand, he slid the door to his room across, the light flooding in. It wasn’t as painful as he expected, luckily. With a small, shaky step forward, he entered into the corridor. It was stupid. He made this exact trip every day, except to the bathroom. Though he was usually half asleep and took his time. This time felt like a rush. It felt like he was dragging himself into war. He always knew he’d never come across anyone on his trips to the bathroom. This time, his target was to find someone.

It was still early in the morning, perhaps he’d find someone in the kitchen.

The kitchen he hadn’t stepped foot in more than 10 times since being back. 

Instead of heading left down the corridor like he always did, he turned right. He didn’t bother sliding his door back across, mostly because he never usually did. It didn’t really cross his mind. He just focused on walking, not because he wasn’t used to it but because he felt so incredibly weak by the stupid pressure of all these feelings he didn’t want. He didn’t want to feel like shit. He didn’t want to feel lonely. But it’s not like he could control it. His body was just so heavy, he felt like crying 24/7, and yet the only person he could blame was himself despite it not really being his fault. Blaming the merge itself didn’t seem to get him anywhere. 

As he slowly made his way down the corridor, the faint sound of laughter coming from the kitchen, he passed a floor-to-ceiling mirror he hadn’t realised was ever there. He stopped abruptly, immediately turning to look into it and what he was met with was so horrifying, he completely froze.

He looked so malnourished, more than he did when he joined the Monastery as Rogue. He looked exhausted, huge dark patches under his eyes… His bones were quite defined, his hair was messy and looked like it hadn’t been washed in weeks. 

And lord, did he look thin . 

It wasn’t that he didn’t want to eat, it was just that he kept forgetting. Nya would remind him in the evenings when she came to check on him, to ask if he’d eaten, and he’d always tell her he did just so she wouldn’t worry. He told himself he’d wait until everyone was asleep so he could go to the kitchen without having the fear of awkwardly bumping into anyone, but he’d just end up forgetting. 

That didn’t matter though. Because if anyone saw him like this, they’d only think he was purposefully starving himself. He wasn’t. He was sure he wasn’t. They’d only see him as this sick, as helpless. They’d only pity him just like Nya did. Because Nya didn’t talk to him like he was fine and normal. She talked to him like he was unwell, like a sick patient on death’s doorstep. 

He wasn’t sick. He wasn’t unwell. He didn’t want to be pitied. He just wanted to be treated like a normal person, like a normal member of this team, like nothing had changed whatsoever.

So he headed back to his bedroom as quickly as he could before anyone could spot him and threw on the thickest, baggiest hoodie he could find. He hadn’t realised at first that it was one of Cole’s old jumpers he’d leant Jay a long time ago. Jay had never given it back. Maybe he wouldn’t notice. Or maybe he would see it as a sign as Jay wanted to talk, to reconcile what they had. 

Jay made his way back out into the corridor, this time making sure to close his bedroom door - he didn’t want anyone to see the mess he’d made - although Nya had already seen it and decided not to comment on it. He knew she was judging him. He knew she pitied him. 

He felt weaker as he reached the kitchen though. The louder the chatter got, the more unwell he felt. He really did feel like he was going to throw up. From the lack of food he’d had or from the nervousness, he didn’t know. Either way, he certainly didn’t feel well. 

There was no going back now though. 

He shoved his arms further up his sleeves and shoved them in his pockets, his head spinning as he reached the doorway of the kitchen. Everyone was sat or stood around the kitchen counter, with Lloyd making pancakes. It was the newer members of the team making the most noise. The four of them sat together, laughing and talking amongst themselves as they housed down their breakfast. Nya next to Sora, reading a magazine as she drank her morning coffee. At least that hadn’t changed. Kai stood at the end of the counter, helping Lloyd to dish up the pancakes. Not a single one of them noticed him for a hot minute.

Though, he couldn’t blame them. It’s not like they knew he’d be there. It’s not like they’d expect him to be. 

As much as his brain was screaming at him to turn back around and return to his room, he was almost frozen to the floor, watching as Lloyd awfully flipped pancakes. 

Much to his surprise, Kai was actually the first to notice him. He was taking a swig of what seemed to be coffee before his eyes met Jay, who wasn’t even looking at him, but rather at how Lloyd was flipping the pancakes. Kai spat out his coffee, catching everyone’s attention. Jay immediately felt queasy.

“Hey,” was all Kai managed to spit out, though it was slightly awkward.

Jay didn’t say anything. He just gave a small, friendly smile, as if greeting a stranger. Lloyd returned that smile, which only seemed to hurt Jay more.

He could feel Nya’s eyes on him like a hawk - a worried hawk if that was even possible. The four kids didn’t care to pay that much attention, but he didn’t blame them. They didn’t know him as anything other than Rogue. Mean and cruel Rogue.. 

“How are you feeling?” Kai asked, pity in his tone.

Jay just shrugged, “fine.”

His voice was croaky and thin, but quiet more than anything. Jay was just glad the room itself hadn’t seemed to silence at his presence. Nya continued drinking her coffee before Jay finally glanced over at her, giving him a loving smile. Jay was just glad she didn’t feel any different about him. At least that’s what she’d told him on countless occasions over the last few months.

Kai seemed to snap out of whatever worried trance he was in and notioned towards Lloyd, “since you’re here, can you please take over flipping the pancakes? Lloyd sucks at it, no offense, and you were always better at flipping them.”

Jay was taken back by the offer. He wasn’t expecting it, certainly not. It was almost like time hadn’t passed, that this was happening all those years ago and Kai was innocently asking for a nicer breakfast… So why did that feel so much worse than them just awkwardly greeting him and acting like he was a stranger? Why did it hurt more?

Lloyd shot a glare at Kai, who chuckled. 

Jay would love to act like things were normal. That’s what he wanted, right? But they weren’t normal. They never would be. This new normal wasn’t what he was used to, but it was what the team were used to now. Jay couldn’t adapt to that. 

And Jay himself certainly wasn’t normal. He wasn’t fine. He was slim - Zane would likely say even dangerously - and he was shaking like an earthquake, doing anything with piping hot objects wasn’t a good idea.

“Oh, uh, I probably sh-”

“Please,” Sora begged to Jay’s surprise, “If you’re so good at pancakes, please take over from Lloyd. No offense, Lloyd.”

“You guys say no offense but I’m taking full offense,” Lloyd huffed.

Everyone’s eyes were suddenly on Jay, awaiting an answer. It would be awkward if he said no. They’d know something was wrong if he said no, right? Besides, if he wanted to worm his way back into the team, this would be the way, wouldn’t it? He’d just have to really focus to steady his hands. That wouldn’t be too hard, right?

So Jay shrugged, “sure.”

“Thank you,” Kai sighed in relief.

Lloyd glared at him again before turning to Jay as he made his way over to the stove, “we only need a few more, but make as many as you want.”

“Thanks,” Jay let out a half-assed smile, not bothering to look Lloyd directly in the eyes as he took his hands reluctantly out of his pockets. 

He sucked in another sharp, shallow breath before reaching out to take the hot pan. Maybe oven gloves would’ve been a good idea but he wasn’t really thinking. All he was focusing on was trying to keep his hands steady, which proved to be pretty difficult. Nobody seemed to notice though, luckily. Well, nobody except Nya. 

She watched him closely, watching how his hands trembled while holding the pan so carefully yet so tightly at the same time. Jay’s eyes remained on the pan, already filled with pancake mixture. Lloyd and Kai stood to his right, seemingly chopping up some fruit. The four students continued chatting away.

“If Cole was here, we’d finally have a full house,” Kai chirped.

Jay’s heart instantly ached at that.

“Where is Cole?” Jay spoke lowly, not even meaning to ask aloud.

Kai shrugged, “probably with the Finders.”

Lloyd hummed, “we should invite them to breakfast one morning. It’d be nice to have everyone here.”

“Right, and I’ll call Zane and Pix too. God, imagine everyone being in the same place at one time?” Kai chuckled in shock, “wouldn’t that be something?”

Jay’s hands seemed to tremble more at that.

It was his fault wasn’t it. It was his fault that the entire group hadn’t been together at any point since the merge. Though, did they consider things before Zane and Pixal left to be a ‘full house’? He already knew they considered themselves a full team before Jay came back. Before they even knew Jay’s whereabouts before the tournament. 

He shouldn’t dwell on it right now though.

Instead, he just found himself thinking about Cole. He’d really hoped the earth ninja would be here, even if he knew it would be painful to see how much his former best friend didn’t care. All he wanted was to see Cole. To see him when his mind wasn’t full of anguish and hate towards these people he didn’t know. He hadn’t seen Cole in what felt like so long..

But he was off with his new family, his new friends. Jay couldn’t blame him. 

His hand trembled suddenly, and as much as he tried to regain focus and steady himself, his wrist almost completely twitched, causing him to drop the boiling hot pan directly onto his other hand. He yelped in pain, hissed and stepped back at the pan crashed to the floor, the pancake mixture spilling everywhere. The room went dead silent for a second while Jay continued to hiss, his hands trembling more than ever. He felt lightheaded, like he was about to just burst into tears right then and there. Nya shot up from her seat as both Lloyd and Kai watched in confusion for a second. Once they realised what happened, they rushed to help Jay. Lloyd, being careful of how he touched Jay - because he was sure any human contact would freak him out after such a lack of it for years - and tried to get Jay to step back away from the boiling pan and mixture. Kai instantly stepped to the sink and started running the cold tap as Nya finally reached them and brought Jay over to the sink, not being careful at all of how she touched him. The students watched closely as they continued their breakfast, muttering amongst themselves. Jay was sure it was pity.

He hated being pitied. Every single person in this room was pitying him right now.

Lloyd instantly went to clean up the mess that had been made before grabbing a new pan and starting a new batch of pancakes. He glanced over his shoulder to make sure Jay was okay every now and then. Nya remained with Jay at the sink, keeping her hands firm on his wrist as she held his hand under the cold water. Jay took a moment to breathe, to calm down from the shock and frustration that was building up inside of him. 

Everything was too much at once. He should’ve just stayed in his room.

Kai grabbed an ice pack from the freezer as Nya brought Jay round to sit at the counter, sighing defeatedly to himself. She gave him a comforting smile, and as much as he hated the pity, it was nice to see her somewhere other than his dark bedroom, sitting on his bed beside him, lightly stroking his curls. 

No one had said a single thing since Jay dropped the pan. Not even when it happened. Jay stared down at the counter as Kai continued chopping strawberries and Lloyd took over flipping the pancakes - awfully once again.

Nobody complained. Nobody mentioned the incident. Not a soul spoke.

And somehow Jay trying to act like everything was fine only made things awkward. It only made him realise how not fine things were. How not normal they would ever be again. 

He knew he needed to accept it. He knew he needed to adjust. But it simply was something he just couldn’t do. 

Everyone in this room had had years to adapt to the change, to get used to it, to start living it. Jay had mere months , and those months had been spent trapped in his room. He hadn’t been gradually introduced to these changes, he hadn’t experienced things changing one by one.. He was thrown in at the deep end and he couldn’t swim. Instead, he was just a weight sinking right to the bottom. 

And he sure felt like he was drowning.

In a matter of time, a plate of fresh pancakes was slid over at him. It landed right in his eyesight and as soon as Jay fully processed what it was, he glanced up to meet Kai’s gaze, earning a soft, reassuring smile.

Kai had been good. He’d been the only person besides Nya to check up on him every now and then. It wasn’t often, but it was enough to at least think he was showing he cared. Jay was far too deep into his mind to think anyone besides Nya cared though, and Nya was still a touchy subject. He didn’t deserve her. Not after everything.

But surprisingly, Kai sounded like he was the only one besides Nya that cared to find Jay after the tournament. Nya told him the stories. She told him everything. Jay was grateful, to say the least. 

Jay shakily picked up a fork. He stared down at the breakfast. It looked tasty, despite Lloyd’s horrendous flipping skills. The maple syrup looked appetising, the fruit looked refreshing, and the pancakes looked soft. Under any other circumstance, Jay would be digging right into it. It’d be gone in two seconds flat.

But now? He just felt sick.

You’d think he’d feel starving after not really eating for months, but he didn’t. He didn’t feel the slightest bit hungry. But he knew everyone’s eyes were probably on him and he had no choice. He’d been telling Nya he was eating. He couldn’t let the lie slip now, even if he hated lying to her. It was to stop her worrying. It was to stop her pitying him. 

He poked at the meal for what felt like hours. The students had scarpered by now as he continued poking at it, eating small mouthfuls. Lloyd, Kai, and Nya fell into a casual conversation, Jay wasn’t really listening to what it was about, so they stopped paying attention after a while. They weren’t eating their breakfasts all that fast either, which seemed to put him at ease slightly.

But he still didn’t want any of it. The more he ate, the more nauseous he felt. But he needed to suffer for him to feel normal again, even if he didn’t know what normal was. He needed to suffer for nobody to notice there was something wrong. 

As long as nobody was pitying him, as long as nobody was feeling sorry for him, he’d be fine.

Even if he was completely rotting away on the inside.

Chapter Text

He didn’t eat much of the breakfast. He barely ate half. Thankfully, nobody questioned it even though Jay heavily felt everyone’s stares on him. He came up with some half-assed excuse about how he had a headache and didn’t feel all that hungry because he ‘ate late last night’. It managed to convince them, he thought.

The three had to disappear off to start training with the students, leaving Jay on his own. He offered to clean up the kitchen, trying to make it seem like he wanted to be more active within the team. Since nobody offered to let him help with training - because he clearly wasn’t part of the team anymore - he opted to just clean up. It would give him something to do, to take his mind off things. Maybe it’d make him feel a little normal too.

So while everyone else was distracted outside - which he could clearly hear for the hour they were out there - Jay tidied up. He washed the dishes, put the pancake ingredients away, and cleaned the surfaces. It took him almost the whole hour to do a 10 minute max job. He was still shaking, this time a lot more vigorously than before, his head was still pounding, and his body still felt heavy, so he moved at his own pace so as to not overwork himself. The last thing he wanted was to throw up, because he sure felt like it, or pass out from exhaustion. After all, even if he’d spent months in his bedroom, he hadn’t managed to sleep very much. Though, he was sure the dark circles under his eyes made that very clear.

When he finally finished tidying up, he found the nearest window and opted to stare out of it, out at the new ninja team training. They were going through a course, something Jay didn’t recognise, while the three senior ninja directed the four new ones. 

Jay couldn’t help but feel jealous. Not in the sense that he wanted to be training too, no, he was grateful to be done with all of that, but he wished so badly that he had the time, all these years, to find a student of his own. To have someone to teach. To have that trust and responsibility. 

He felt completely useless. 

Even if the team had invited him to help, what would he have done? He didn’t know these students. He didn’t know them at all. He barely even knew the people he considered his friends anymore. Not in a bitter way, but genuinely because it’d been so long and they’d changed so much. And it wasn’t like Jay was in any way, shape, or form healthy enough mentally or physically to help. He could barely drag himself out of bed.

Wu would’ve dragged him by the ear out of bed for training early in the morning. He would’ve shamed him, told him he was lazy, and that ninja shouldn’t sleep in.

‘Evil doesn’t sleep and neither should you’, he’d said all those years ago. 

Part of him wished someone would treat him like that again rather than some sick individual they’d taken in after the merge. Maybe Lloyd and Kai had tried to act like things were normal, that time hadn’t changed and neither had Jay, but they didn’t talk to him like that. They talked to him like they were being careful, like one wrong move would end in Jay snapping. Like they were talking to a dying patient at the hospital. Their tone wasn’t caring, it was pitiful. It held sympathy. They didn’t talk to him like they’d known him half their lives, like they’d lived together or saved the world by each other’s side. They talked to him like he was new.

He hated it. 

But as much as he’d been thinking about it for weeks, about how much they didn’t care anywhere near as much as he wished they did or used to, he knew he couldn’t just drown himself in his own self loathing. He wanted things to be better, not just because he felt awful, but because he knew he was digging himself into a hole and the longer he dug, the harder it would be to come back from it. The harder it would be to worm his way back into the team, into this family . 

So, as he saw his former teammates outside in the training yard, getting on with their new lives, Jay chose to make a start on his new one. 

Though that would be easier said than done. 

He took himself to shower, but it wasn’t as refreshing as he’d hoped. Somehow it made him feel worse. What came after was what hurt the most.

Forcing himself into something other than an old shirt and pajama bottoms, he dug through his messy wardrobe to find some of his old ninja gis. He had so many.. So many experiences he’d forgotten for so many years, so many experiences many people seemed to have forgotten..

His first ever ninja gi. God, was it precious. It was a lot smaller, no thanks to Jay’s aging. He remembered getting so attached to it that he didn’t want to wear a new one. Maybe it was just nostalgic and that’s why it meant so much to him now. 

His tournament of elements gi was one of his favourites by far. The sleeveless, blue, silky top… Oh, how he wished he could go back in time.

And his Airtjitzu suit? 

Maybe it would be best to not think about that.

He sighed, opting to reach for the most recent of his gi’s. His core suit, a mixture of blues and yellows. It was what he wore when the merge occurred, and although it wasn’t the original, at least he had the backup. At least he had something.

If he wore one of his gi’s, maybe the team would see him as part of the team again. Maybe they’d see that he wanted to be here and help. Be the hero he had always been. 

Well, before the merge anyway.

As hard as it was to put on - not physically but mentally - he did feel at least a little better. He looked in his slightly dusty mirror, trying not to look at himself but rather just the gi.. He couldn’t help but notice how baggy it seemed on him now. He’d aged, probably grown since the last time he wore it, yet he looked smaller. He had to fold the waistband over, he had to tie his belt tighter.. It caved in so much more than it usually did.

He was a mess. 

He didn’t look like himself. He didn’t look like the same person from before the merge. 

Before he could think anymore though, a loud alarm sounded from the corridor. He jumped, his heart racing. At first, it sounded awfully similar to one of the alarms at the Administration. He couldn’t remember much from his time there, he chose to block it out of his memory sometimes, but his body sure did remember. But the longer he listened to it, the more it didn’t sound like that at all. It just sounded like the usual mission alarm, the one that always went off when the ninja were needed for something big. 

How had he not recognised that first? 

As weak as he was, he knew this was the perfect time to show how dedicated he was to becoming that hero he once was. This was his opportunity to get back with the team, to help them with whatever was going on. It was his only chance. He couldn’t mess it up.

So he stumbled out of his room, his heart still racing as the alarm suddenly turned off. He could hear the elevator to the Hangar Bay - he at least thought it was still there - so that’s where he headed. It took him a few minutes longer, but his walking got better and he was getting slightly quicker. He still shook, maybe he was cold, but as soon as he stepped out of the elevator, he felt a wave of nostalgia hit him. 

The Hangar Bay hadn’t seemed to change much at all. 

He couldn’t help but feel relieved. 

He slowly made his way to the ninja, who barely noticed him. When he arrived, they were pretty done with discussing their plans and what was even going on. There was nothing on the screens, nothing to give him the faintest idea of what was happening. Lloyd was already separating everyone off into pairs or trios. But as long as Jay was here, he was part of the group, right?

Except when everyone started dispersing and he was finally spotted by everyone, they were in such a rush that they barely acknowledged him. Lloyd gave him a quick pat on the shoulder, making Jay shiver.

“We won’t be long,” was all the green ninja said.

“Frohicky is around somewhere if you need anything,” Kai called out as he headed back towards the elevator. 

Jay didn’t know what else to do but stand in the middle of the bay in shock. They’d really just left him there. 

Maybe they cared a little, maybe, but there was something about that interaction that made Jay queasy. It made him feel disgusting. The small pat on the shoulder as if Lloyd barely knew him, as if he was comforting him for something he didn’t really need comforting for. The way everyone looked at him like he shouldn’t have been there. The way Lloyd and Kai spoke to him as if they were leaving some child unattended. 

They didn’t even acknowledge that he was in his gi. That maybe he’d want to join them and help. 

Were they just pitying him, making him rest, because of what happened in the kitchen? All he did was drop a hot pan on himself, why was it such a big deal? Why did they act like he was cracked glass? Jay had always been clumsy. That wasn’t new.

Or had they forgotten?

He tried not to let it get to him, but as soon as he heard the team disappear up the elevator, leaving nothing but silence in the hangar bay he remembered being so full of life before the merge, he couldn’t help but fight back tears. He really didn’t belong here anymore, did he?

And it sucked because he wanted nothing more than to finally be back home, to finally spend time with his friends and family that he’d missed for years. He’d been without anyone for years and when he finally got his memories back, he still didn’t have them? Even when they were surrounding him? 

And after all that fight to get Jay and his memories back, to rip him from the life he had actually created for himself - whether it was shit and lonely, or not - they just straight up didn’t care anymore. They didn’t care for him like he was their lifelong friend, their family, their teammate. They cared for him like he was some broken, new addition to the Monastery that they’d taken in because they were lost and sick. He wasn’t lost. He wasn’t sick. This was supposed to be his home . 

But now that they were all out of the Monastery, leaving him alone and whoever this Frohicky person was - he had faint memories of a frog guy? - he could roam the grounds without being worried of bumping into someone. So that’s what he did to distract himself. Once he was sure everyone had left, he slowly but surely went into every room and tried to wrap his head around everything that had changed. 

After a few hours, he eventually found his way to where this strange portal under the Monastery was. He remembered coming through it back when he’d hurt his leg as Rogue. It wasn’t that long ago, really. 

He took a while to inspect it, to look over everything.. It was fascinating. 

And then when the ninja returned to the Monastery, he fled to his room. 

He was overwhelmed in so many ways by everything that had happened today, despite the day being nowhere near over. He wasn’t sure he could handle any more heartbreak and he already felt so tired and weak.. The best thing to do was to just return to his room. He didn’t join the team with whatever they got up to that afternoon. He didn’t join them for dinner. He just stayed curled up in bed, still in his ninja gi, staring down at the mess he’d created from his moment of weakness.

The entirety of today had been a moment of weakness. It was either too early or too late to try regain his role within this Monastery, it was too much for him at once, and he’d officially hurt himself both physically and emotionally. All he had left to do was suffer in darkness.

Nya visited him that evening. He was asleep when she came in so she opted to sit beside him and quietly read her book. Jay had no idea how long she’d been there but boy was he glad to see her loving smile when he woke up. They chatted for a while, not really about anything specific. Then around 11pm, Nya gave him a soft kiss on the forehead, told him she loved him, and disappeared off to her own room to get some rest. 

Jay didn’t know why she didn’t stay longer, or just stayed in his room in general, but he was at least grateful she still cared. That she still loved him.

Someone had to. 

But it was stupid of him to think she only spent so much time with him because she felt bad no one else did. It was stupid of him to think she didn’t love him truthfully. After all, she had been the only one to truly want to search for him, to go after him at the tournament. Thank God she did. He wasn’t sure what he’d do or think if she didn’t. She was his saving grace.

His one true love, if you will.

It was a shame he wasn’t in the right frame of mind for them to act normal. Instead, they just stuck to sweet evenings together. Though, it was nice to do normal couple things rather than them just trying to fight the universe to remain together. At least they were here. At least they had one another’s company. They couldn’t be more grateful.

A few days passed before Jay finally gathered the courage to leave his room again. That morning in the kitchen, that ‘meeting’ in the hangar bay, had left him so embarrassed, so empty, that all he wanted to do was rot in bed. He’d been beating himself up over it, especially since he knew he couldn’t keep lying to Nya about eating, but he hadn’t managed to find a proper good excuse to properly get out of bed.

That was until one evening when he heard shouting and laughing coming from down the hall. 

It confused him. At least he thought someone was in trouble. But when he finally pushed himself out of bed, threw on Cole’s old baggy hoodie - it was what was easiest to grab - and pushed open his bedroom door, he realised it was all just fun and games. No one was in trouble. It was just the team being happy. Jay didn’t know much about happiness anymore. Well, besides from being happy to be with his yang.

This was the first evening in months that she hadn’t visited him though. In fact, he hadn’t seen her all day. He hadn’t really noticed the time until he forced himself to glance at his alarm clock while he was dragging himself from his warm covers.

He reluctantly made his way down the corridor, his shaking hands shoved in the pockets of the hoodie. When he finally made his way to the main room - what Jay used to call the game room - he realised what was going on. The team were sat on the floor around a low, long table, with a boardgame on top of it all set up. They didn’t look like they’d just started. It looked like it’d been going on for hours.

The longer Jay looked at the scene, at how happy everyone was and how they were sat in clear teams of three, the more sick Jay felt. His head pounded, his ears rung, he barely felt alive anymore.

Everyone was here, including Cole and his new best friend Geo. 

Nobody even acknowledged that Jay was in the doorway. Nobody seemed to acknowledge that he hadn’t been here in the first place.

Though, maybe that’s what they wanted.

“What’s going on?” Jay spoke up, his voice croaky and tight. 

He almost didn’t want to speak but he was getting so worked up over it, so upset, that if he didn’t speak now then he’d just run back to his room and sob. He was pathetic, he really was.

The entire room went silent as everyone’s eyes landed on him. He couldn’t look at anyone in particular. It would hurt too much. He didn’t want to see their reactions.

“Oh-” Arin was the first to speak up, “family game night.”

Family. Game. Night.

Family .

“Yeah, we do it every few months, it just gets us all together, y’know?” Sora added on brightly.

Jay felt like a ghost in his own home. 

He gulped, staring down at the boardgame for a hot moment before glancing around everyone in the room. Kai and Lloyd looked awkward. The new students didn’t seem to care, evidently. Nya just gave him a comforting smile, which he barely acknowledged. And Cole.. Cole gave him that same pitiful stare that the master of fire and green ninja were giving him. Except Cole didn’t pay attention for long. His gaze seemed to be ripped away by Geo, who was showing him something on one of the cards he’d picked up from the table.

Jay tried not to think about it too much. He tried not to overthink it. But how could he when he was staring at the people he called family, playing a family game without him?

Maybe they just forgot to invite him? God, he hoped that was the case.

“Do you…” his words caught in his throat, “..have room for one more?”

Was it pathetic to be asked to be included? He didn’t care anymore. He was just so lonely, so left out, that it didn’t matter to him if he had to get on his hands and knees and beg . 

But even that wouldn’t be enough.

“Oh, uh,” Lloyd cleared his throat awkwardly as he glanced at the other three senior ninja, “we need teams of three, so we wouldn’t have enough if you joined. Besides, we.. thought you wouldn’t wanna play. Sorry.”

Did that sound like a pathetic excuse? They never listened to the game’s rules before. They never listened to the team members shit. They always made sure everyone was included before the merge, even if they went over that stupid recommended player number. 

Why was it different now?

Jay sucked in a sharp, shallow breath and let out a small smile. 

“No, it’s fine.”

It wasn’t fine. 

It wasn’t fine at all.

What if Zane and Pixal had been here? Would things be different? Would they have tried to include them, even if the game’s rules said they needed teams of three? Would they have included Jay just to make the extra team of three? 

Would things be different if Jay hadn’t lost his memories?

Before anyone had the chance to respond, Jay hurried back off to his room. He sped down the corridor, his hands shaking, his head light, his eyes tearing up.

He didn’t hear anyone say anything. He didn’t hear anyone call back out to him, telling him they’d make room, or that they’d play a different game to include him. All he heard when he closed his bedroom door was them returning to the game like nothing happened. 

Like Jay never existed.

Was it cruel to wish he didn’t exist? That he didn’t get his memories back? 

Because even when he was home and safe with his memories back, it still felt so much less cruel to be memoryless, friendless, and stuck out in a scary world all by himself. 

At least there was nothing, nobody, that could let him down but himself.

He was truly and utterly alone. 

-ˏˋ⚡︎ˎˊ-

“Surely a team of four wouldn’t hurt?” Nya suggested, watching as Wyldfyre moved the team’s figure across the board.

Lloyd shrugged, “it depends who doesn’t mind taking longer to get around the board. We’ve already started so it would mess with the t-”

“Who cares?” Kai groaned.

“I care!” Wyldfyre exclaimed, “I want to win!”

“We can still win, Wyldfyre,” Nya told her sternly.

“Not if we take ten million times longer going round the board than anyone else,” she huffed.

Kai and Nya exchanged unamused expressions. 

“Look, we’ve been arguing back and forth about it for ten minutes,” Geo reached across the board to grab a card for his team, “can we just come to a decision?”

“Let’s just vote,” Lloyd suggested, “all in favour of-”

“This is pathetic,” Cole sighed, clearly fed up. He handed Geo his team’s cards and and stood up, “we shouldn’t be debating over Jay’s inclusion. If he wants to join, he can join.”

Geo nodded, turning to Frak - the other member of their team - with a smile. Frak seemed to agree.

Cole headed out from around the table and towards the door, “He can join our team if you guys are so obsessed with the idea of winning instead of including our friend.”

“We weren’t trying to not include him, we were-” Lloyd spoke up.

“I’m going to get Jay, you guys continue,” Cole cut him off as he stormed out of the room.

Cole wasn’t mad, he wasn’t necessarily pissed off at the team, but the fact they had spent so much time arguing over Jay’s inclusion in their game night was simply pathetic. They shouldn’t be leaving anyone out at all, especially just because they wanted to win. Game night was never about winning, it was about spending time as a family.

Family time was important after the merge. 

Cole headed straight to Jay’s room, knocking with somewhat urgency. After all, he did want to return to the game in time for his team’s turn. 

He swear he heard a voice come from inside so he slid open the door, except what he was met with wasn’t what he was expecting.

It was dark, the darkest he’d ever really seen a room in a long time. The light from the corridor helped to brighten it up a bit though. He hated to think how dismal it was in here with the door closed.

He could clearly see Jay was in bed, facing away from him and wrapped in the covers like a caterpillar. But that wasn’t what he was most surprised about, that wasn’t what he was most taken back by. 

It was the sheer mess of the room that seemed to make Cole’s heart pause. 

It was clear it had been trashed on purpose, the way things were torn and scattered around.. It wasn’t just the typical Jay deciding not to clean his room in a few months debacle but rather… something Jay had done himself. Something done in a moment of upset, of rage.. 

His bookshelf was broken, comics scattered across the floor with some opened on random pages and turned upside down, action figures lay across the room, some even broken. There was a small pile of shattered glass, concerning Cole straight away. None of it looked dirty, thankfully. Though the fact his mind went straight to that was worrying enough.

What seemed to catch his eye the most though was the numerous family photos, ones even including the team, being scattered across the floor, most being ripped. Cole was nauseous.

His eyes became glossy as he stepped into the room slowly, taking a good look at the damage. He didn’t even want to think about the scene that happened. 

It hadn’t looked like it was done just now. It hadn’t looked like it was done recently. 

“Jay?” Cole spoke softly, not able to take his eyes off the ripped photos for a hot second even after he spoke.

Jay didn’t respond. He just hummed. 

Maybe asking what was wrong wasn’t the right move. Clearly there was something wrong, it would be a stupid question. Cole would be stupid to ask it not just because it was obvious by the scene, but because everyone knew Jay was distant recently and making Jay believe they hadn't noticed would likely make things worse. 

And most clear of all, Jay didn’t need pity. He didn’t need someone to ask what was going on. He needed his friends.

He’d gone so long without anyone.

So Cole bit back whatever emotion he was feeling - upset, dread, anger at himself and the team - and let in a reassuring breath. Mostly to reassure himself.

“Do you… wanna come join us?” 

Jay didn’t seem to budge at that. He didn’t even hum this time.

And then Cole heard a light sniffle.

“Are you.. crying?” He hadn’t meant to ask it aloud, he hadn’t meant to sound so scared.

“No,” Jay’s response was instant and defensive, “just a cold.”

“Okay.” Cole wasn’t convinced.

He tried to keep his eyes on the figure that lay in the bed, though he couldn’t make Jay out in the darkness very well. He refused to glance back at the mess on the floor around him. He didn’t want to know how many of those pictures were of a younger him and Jay. So many of them likely were.

“We were just… being stupid just now. You can join us, if you want-” Cole huffed to himself, “actually, we want you to join us. I’m sorry no one asked before.”

“What about the teams of three rule?” Jay’s voice was low and broken. Cole felt like being swallowed alive.

“Fuck the game rules. You can join my team. We’re actually already winning so.. We have a good advantage.”

And that’s when Cole glanced to his left, his eyes landing on the discarded black hoodie Jay had been wearing a moment ago when he stood in the doorway, looking defeated and exhausted. 

The hoodie Cole recognised the moment he saw Jay wearing it.

“I’m good,” Jay croaked out, his tone breathy.

“Please?” Cole asked, “Just… think about it, okay? We’d really like you there, even if it’s a little late.”

Jay hummed again.

Cole let out a small sigh, sure to not let Jay hear it, before backing up towards the door again. 

“If you change your mind, you’re always welcome to join.”

And with that, Cole left, closing the door and succumbing Jay to darkness once more. He felt awful leaving him, especially after seeing the state of his room, but the last thing he wanted to do was overwhelm him. Perhaps if he didn’t join, he’d check up on him again once game night was finished. 

The last thing he wanted to do was let Jay feel like he was alone.

It wasn’t until twenty minutes later that Jay finally gathered the courage and energy to make a return to the main room. This time, he was instantly noticed, everyone greeting him. The greeting wasn’t much better than usual. They all still seemed to be walking on egg shells around him. 

He wasn’t wearing the same hoodie as he had been before either.

Jay gave them a light smile, as if smiling at strangers, before Cole invited him to come sit with his team. He was reluctant at first, the idea of returning to his room seemingly tempting just to avoid any of this awkwardness and the clear feeling of not being wanted, but he finally joined them. Frak moved aside to let him sit between him and Cole. As Frak opted to explain the game rules to Jay, who wasn’t listening all that much, Cole and Geo kept playing the game for their team so the group could continue without interruption.

They didn’t notice Jay all that much. Despite being part of a team, he was ignored most of the time. Everyone seemed so into it but Jay was just so exhausted, so tired, and the fact he knew they didn’t want him here in the first place was clouding over him. If he hadn’t turned up, asking to join, they wouldn’t have invited him to join anyway. And besides, it seemed like Cole was the only one that wanted him here.

Though, now that Jay actually was here, Cole wasn’t paying attention to him at all, despite being sat directly beside him.

Just when Jay thought things were getting slightly better, that they were going to consider him part of the family again, he was reminded of just how different and distant he was to everyone.

He just couldn’t win.

Chapter Text

“I thought Jay would turn up for breakfast this morning after last night,” Cole hummed as he sat down at the kitchen counter.

It was the usual routine. Lloyd made pancakes, Kai cut the fruit, and sometimes Cole helped with dishing up. Nya drank her coffee and read her magazine. The four students talked amongst themselves, and it certainly wasn’t quiet. 

They’d gotten so used to it. Pancakes were the only thing that kept everyone happy and provided a big enough meal to start the day. 

“I mean, he did the other morning,” Kai shrugged, “it just kinda… ended in disaster. I think it was too much for him.”

Cole frowned but before he could question anything, Nya almost choking on her coffee caught everyone’s attention.

“I wouldn’t say it ended in disaster, and I don’t think it was ‘too much’ for him,” Nya questioned her brother, “he’s just not used to this whole breakfast routine.”

“He dropped a boiling hot pan on his hand.”

“He did what ?” Cole’s eyebrows raised.

“He’s fine,” Nya told Cole, “it was mostly just the shock that got to him.”

Kai hummed in amusement, “yeah, well I’m not surprised he dropped it.”

“How come?” Lloyd questioned.

“He was shaking like a leaf,” Kai responded in confusion, “you two didn’t notice?”

Cole raised an eyebrow, staring in somewhat disappointment between Kai and Nya, who shared looks of agreement. Nya had definitely noticed. She’d been watching him like a hawk that morning, even after the incident had occurred. The most surprising thing to everyone that morning was how silent Jay had been. Usually when he did something to injure himself he’d shout or be dramatic about it. He’d waffle on about how clumsy he was. Instead, everyone in that room had remained silent.

“Let me get this straight,” Cole frowned, “you two saw he was shaking and just let him handle a boiling hot pan?”

Nya and Kai exchanged awkward glances.

“I mean, I didn’t notice until after he took over from Lloyd, and I was cutting strawberries so I didn’t notice all that much..” Kai held his hands up in a surrender motion.

“It didn’t even cross my mind that he’d drop it on himself,” Nya shrugged before taking another sip of her coffee.

“You two are hopeless,” Cole huffed.

“What, since when were you the master of safety?” Kai raised an eyebrow before returning to cutting up the fruit.

“Since when wasn’t everyone else?” Cole questioned, “since Zane isn’t here, we all need to take better care of ourselves and everyone around us. That certainly includes everyone on this team.”

With that, the room went dead silent. Kai and Nya went to minding their business. 

However, the first noise to come was Lloyd awkwardly clearing his throat. 

Cole frowned, turning to look at the green ninja, “What?”

“Nothing.”

“No, say it.”

“I don’t have anything to say.”

“You don’t see him as part of the team, do you?” Cole questioned, annoyance in his tone.

“Uh-” Kai tried to cut in but before he could, basically everyone cut him off.

Cole couldn’t really make out what anyone was saying. He couldn’t tell if they were calling Cole stupid or agreeing with him, but by the semi-offended looks on their faces, Cole could only assume they weren’t too happy with his accusation.

Lloyd seemed to be the only one that didn’t speak up. He minded his business, continuing to flip the pancakes. Cole kept his eyes on him, watching as he kept to himself.

The earth ninja let the room quieten before speaking his mind.

“Lloyd?”

Lloyd shrugged, “I… don’t know.”

“What d’you mean you ‘don't know’?” Kai raised an eyebrow at his brother.

Lloyd avoided eye contact with anyone but the new students, who seemed completely innocent in all of this.

“I mean, does it really feel like he’s part of the team? We’ve basically formed a new team, and think of all the things we’ve done since the merge, we-”

As soon as he glanced up at his friends, he stopped. He hadn’t meant anything bad by it, he didn’t mean to be so blunt about it.. The fact he hadn’t realised his mistake until he felt his friends staring daggers through him was sort of alarming.

Though, was it all that surprising? 

Lloyd had always been the one to care less about who was here after the merge. He grew attached to the team that had formed, forgetting about those that were still lost. Some would even argue Lloyd wasn’t even looking for family, but rather a team. 

Clearly Jay, their lifelong friend, an original member of their family and team, just wasn’t a part of that. 

And why? Just because he hadn’t been here? That was hardly his fault.

Nobody spoke. They just went back to what they were doing. Lloyd didn’t finish his sentence. Breakfast was quiet after that. 

As Cole started clearing up and the group began to disperse, Lloyd announced that training would start a little later. Then he left in an awkward hurry. 

Soon, it was just Nya and Cole left in the kitchen. Cole was cleaning up while Nya was finishing off her coffee.

Cole glanced at her every now and then as she flicked another page of her magazine. She’d been very reserved, he’d noticed. She hadn’t said much at breakfast regarding Jay, which slightly concerned Cole. He knew those two had been spending time together, at least in the evenings. 

She definitely knew more than what she was letting on.

And Cole had been thinking about something in particular from last night..

“Can I ask you something?” Cole spoke up, almost startling her.

She swallowed a mouthful of warm coffee as she nodded. He broke eye contact for a moment as he thought of the right wording. 

“How… is Jay? You see him the most out of everyone,” Cole asked, “I just… feel like there’s more to him than just not turning up for breakfast.”

“It’s complicated.”

“How so?”

She shrugged but there wasn’t much energy behind it, “he seems happy when I’m with him but other than that, it’s just… I don’t know.”

Cole nodded. He understood perfectly. It’s hard to know what to do, to know how to help someone, when you don’t know what’s exactly wrong. Jay had been acting weird, and although Cole had really only seen him last night, the fact he was so closed off and spent so much time on his own after being alone for years made no sense to Cole.

That was until he saw what he did last night.

“When I went to grab him last night.. His room,” he bit back a shallow breath, “it was trashed.”

Nya looked away, blinking in what seemed to be embarrassment. She clearly knew. Cole could already tell when he went into Jay’s room last night because how could she not know? The damage didn’t look fresh. And Nya went in there every day. 

“When did he do it?”

She shrugged awkwardly, avoiding eye contact, “a few months ago, but I can’t remember exactly.” 

“Why? Why did he do it?”

She sighed, “I don’t know. I didn’t ask. I guess maybe I was too scared to, but I didn’t want to make things worse. I offered to help him tidy but he said he’d do it himself.”

“And he didn’t.”

“No.”

“He’s been really.. distant. I’m worried,” Cole added.

Nya nodded before taking a sip of her coffee.

It was hard to know what to do. First Jay distancing himself from literally everyone, then his room, shaking at breakfast, and after last night..? Something was clearly going on. Though, as much as they didn’t want to admit it, they only had an inkling of what could be the matter.

The two seemed defeated. They cared about Jay a lot, they liked to think everyone did, but things had been so rough recently, so weird. They could only blame the merge for this, couldn’t they?

Nya suddenly gasped, slamming a hand on the table, causing Cole to jump. He stared at her with wide eyes as she held a grin. 

“We should do a movie night,” she suggested.

“A movie night..?”

“The other morning, we all discussed about how nice it was to almost have a full house for the first time since before the merge. We came up with a loose idea of having this big breakfast morning with everyone. Us, Zane and Pix, Jay, even the finders. Why don’t we have a big movie night, watch some good quality movies we all enjoy, with lots of snacks and we can go all out with a huge pillow fort or something. And then we have a big sleepover in the main room, and in the morning we have that breakfast.”

Cole frowned, “it’s… not a bad idea.”

“And we call it the official post-merge ninja family sleepover!” Nya beamed.

Cole couldn’t help but let out a small smile, “emphasis on post-merge.. I like it.”

“Great! I’ll pitch the idea to Lloyd later,” Nya smiled, “it’d be the perfect way to chill after everything that’s happened recently.”

Nya helped Cole to finish tidying up. They discussed some further plans, some small details, and even made a mental list of some movies they could watch. Then they both went to training - after all, they couldn’t forget their students. It was weird how much time had actually passed in what felt like so little time. They’d all changed and grown so much. They’d all really matured. 

Late morning, however, Cole’s mind was still on what he’d seen last night. He knew there was something seriously wrong with Jay, even if he hadn’t witnessed most of the things everyone had spoken about. All he knew was that Jay was likely spending most of his time in a dark, trashed room. 

After training, Cole instantly made his way towards Jay’s room. He prepared himself mentally for what he’d see. Not in a way that it bothered himself, but in a way that he felt awful for Jay because of how things were. How things seemed.

He wasn’t about to let Jay succumb to this darkness forever, especially not when it was clear that he was trying his best for things to be better. After all, last night was the first time Cole had seen Jay in months. Cole would be lying if he said Jay’s state wasn’t worrying.

It was surprising that no one had mentioned it before. But he didn’t have the time nor patience right now to get mad at the thought of nobody doing anything despite noticing these things. 

So what better way than to take matters into his own hands?

He knocked on the door to Jay’s room, hearing a hum come from inside. Cole let in a small breath to prepare himself before sliding across the door.

Except when he opened it, what he saw was definitely not what he was expecting.

Jay wasn’t in bed. He wasn’t curled up in the darkness. The curtains were actually open, revealing just how much of a mess the room truly was. The bed was somewhat made. 

This room sure didn’t look all that different to how it did before the merge. Though, why would it?

And then his gaze met Jay, who was staring back at him with a puzzled expression.

He was wearing pajama bottoms and a black hoodie - something he certainly recognised. It’d been the hoodie Jay was wearing when he first entered the room last night, and the same one that’d been discarded on the floor. Cole was glad to see him wearing it again.

Jay himself though looked exhausted. Cole didn’t focus on that too much.

“Hey,” was all Cole mustered up in his state of surprise.

“Hi,” Jay was stood across the room like a deer in headlights, holding one of the ripped up pictures that’d been discarded on the floor just last night.

The silence that followed was thick, it almost made Jay want to cry. They’d never been like this. They’d never been this awkward, not knowing what to say.. 

This was just the product of time.

“What… are you doing?” Cole asked as if Jay had been the one to enter his room.

Jay shrugged, “just tidying.”

It was surprising really. After last night, after how reserved Jay had been, Cole was sure he’d find Jay in the exact spot he’d found him in before. He was sure he’d find Jay curled up in his own self pity, in complete darkness. He was sure he’d have to drag Jay out of bed himself and give him a pep talk of some sort. 

He certainly didn’t expect to find Jay out of bed himself, cleaning something up that he now knew had been there for months.

Was it because he was embarrassed? Because he hadn’t meant for anyone to see what had happened in here? 

Was it jUst a sudden burst of energy? Cole hoped it was that.

“Can I come in?” Cole asked reluctantly, his hand still clutching the door much more than he realised.

Jay just shrugged, turning his back to return tidying up.

He was slow about it though. He placed the ripped up picture he was holding onto his nightstand. There was a small pile there. Cole didn’t care to look at it too closely or for too long. He didn’t want to know what the pictures were of, despite already knowing. Jay bent down slowly, carefully, to shakily pick up another ripped picture. His hands were shaking, the team had been right. But that breakfast was days ago, how come it hadn’t gotten better? 

As much as Cole wanted to ask, he wasn’t here to let Jay know he felt bad or that he was worried. After all, Cole knew all too well that when you’re in a time of crisis and darkness, the last thing you’d want is someone pitying you. The last thing you’d want is someone treating you like you were a precious stone. 

So Cole acted like this was any other day. Like this was any other person.

“Do you want some help?” Cole asked, closing the door behind him.

Jay shrugged again.

If this was before the merge, Jay would’ve instantly accepted the help. He would’ve been talking away about utter nonsense by now. That or he’d be making some joke snarky comment about Cole. Oh, how Cole missed those comments. 

Jay moved across the room to another picture. Cole took the opportunity to head to the nightstand and finally get a good look and what damage had been done. The pictures.. 

The one on top was an old picture of the team, around the time they were defeating the Hands of Time. They looked so happy, so young.. They had no idea what was ahead of them.

And here it was, almost ripped to shreds. Cole felt the tears start to form under his eyes.

He blinked them back though, because the last thing Jay needed was someone getting upset at him. Or getting upset at the situation. None of this was Jay’s fault.

The pile on the nightstand was filled with ripped family pictures of the team. Some even pictures of Jay with different members of the team. Soul-crushingly, most of the pictures were of him and Nya, and…. Him and Cole. 

“Last night was fun, eh?” Cole asked, trying to seem lighthearted.

Jay didn’t respond. He didn’t even look at him. Cole couldn’t tell if it was on purpose or if Jay just didn’t feel like talking in general.

“I’m kinda annoyed that Wyldfyre’s team won,” Cole added, “they were so over the top about it, y’know? I’m glad we came second though. We almost gave them a run for their money.”

Jay still didn’t say anything. He didn’t even acknowledge that Cole was there, that he was talking. It was almost like Jay was in his own head, staring down at the picture shreds he was picking up before placing them gently and almost half-assed onto the nightstand. Almost like he just had no energy.

Maybe that’s why he was moving so slowly and reserved.

Cole let out a small sigh. Not at Jay but at himself. He didn’t know how to make this natural, how to act like time hadn’t passed, like they weren’t completely different people. The last time they’d properly spoken was right before the merge, when they were hanging out as best friends, when they were completely inseparable. 

Now they’d been separated for years. They had different lives. Different experiences. It didn’t feel fair. 

Cole had been so sure they’d be inseparable forever. He was so sure they’d always have each other. Now look how things were.

“Nya and I were talking about having a movie night,” Cole finally spoke with a little more enthusiasm, “a big family movie night where everyone’s invited.”

“Cool.”

Cool? That was it?

Cole smiled a little, “We were thinking about this big sleepover. We watch movies, eat lots of snacks, make a huge pillow fort. Then we have a huge family breakfast in the morning.”

“Can you just try not to make too much noise?” his response was instant, low but not cold, “or I can leave for the night. There’s this spot in the forest that I-”

“Jay- I-.... What ?”

Jay finally turned to him, and to Cole’s surprise, he seemed just confused. Completely puzzled. 

He looked exhausted, tired, like he hadn’t slept at all despite being in his room so much. 

“What?” Jay questioned, completely lost.

“....You’re serious?”

Jay shrugged, almost awaiting a proper answer from the earth ninja.

“You’re…” Cole seemed almost speechless, “..Why would you leave?”

“I don’t want to be the one to ruin the fun.”

“....... I’m confused.”

Jay just stared at him. He didn’t seem to be cracking a joke, no matter how much Cole wanted him to break into a cheeky smile and chuckle. He seemed to be completely clueless. 

That’s when the dread really seemed to hit Cole.

“No, Jay, I’m.. We’re inviting you.”

Despite Jay’s expression not changing much, Cole could tell he was surprised by the response.

To Cole’s dismay though, Jay’s response wasn’t all that pleasing. 

“Is it because you feel bad for not inviting me to game night?”

His tone was almost emotionless, yet held so much hurt in it that Cole almost felt like throwing up. Cole didn't know what to say.

“Because it’s fine. You don’t need to invite me to things, or make things up, just because you feel bad. I don’t mind.”

Cole seemed to snap. Not in anger, not in annoyance, but in worry. In concern. 

He stepped forward, his face written in what almost seemed like fear. The closer Cole stepped to Jay, his hands out as if he were going to carefully grab him, Jay stepped back, his eyes staring Cole up and down in confusion.

Cole hadn’t seemed to notice how Jay was backing away though. Jay stopped eventually as Cole placed his hands firmly on Jay’s shoulders, causing him to shiver a little. 

“Listen to me, we’re not inviting you because we feel bad. We didn’t come up with the idea because we felt bad for leaving you out. We’re doing it because we want a moment, a night, where we can all be together again. Because it’s been so long. Because we want to remind ourselves of what family is about, about who our family is .”

Jay still seems confused, but the longer Cole stares at him, the more he sees the pain, the grief, the genuine confusion in his gaze.. Like he almost didn’t believe it.

“I know a lot of things have changed around here, and within us, but none of it, none of the years , takes away the fact that you’re part of this family, Jay. You always have been and you always will be, no matter what.”

Before Cole knew it, before he could add anything else, Jay threw his arms around him. It took Cole by surprise at first, the feeling warm and strange, but he quickly melted into it. He wrapped his arms around Jay, as if cradling a cold and sick puppy, and just let them have the moment they deserved so desperately.

Neither of them cried. Neither of them spoke. They just stood there, breathing softly, enjoying the hug. 

It was long overdue. 

Though, as much as it was overdue, as much as it was nice, there was something Cole couldn’t help but notice. 

Jay was slim. Very slim. 

The way Cole’s arms wrapped around him, around his waist… He didn’t remember Jay ever being that thin. Never. Not even when he’d been carried back to the Monastery unconscious after getting all his memories back at once. Cole had been the one to carry him. 

He shouldn’t question it. Not now. Not yet. Besides, Nya probably knew, right? She’d probably noticed. They’d probably talked about it. 

Right?

Right. 

Besides, the two were having a precious moment, finally a proper reunion, Cole wasn’t about to ruin it. 

Something that Cole was definitely agreeing with himself on though was that he needed to get Jay out of this room, to get him talking, to get him feeling more like Jay . Because this person he was hugging was not the person he knew and remembered.

“That’s a nice hoodie you’re wearing, by the way,” Cole muttered, finally earning a small chuckle from Jay. It was nowhere near as heartwarming as his usual ones though.

“Sorry, I forgot to give it back.”

“It’s basically yours now. Don’t worry about it.”

It took a moment for the two to break apart. Jay wasn’t back to his good old self, of course not, but he seemed to have a little more life in him at least. That was good enough for Cole.

The earth ninja managed to get Jay to agree to the sleepover idea. Though Jay still seemed reluctant, and still in surprise at even being invited, Cole was just glad he was on board. 

The two continued tidying up, Cole choosing not to focus on the pictures too much as he took them from the floor. Eventually, as the two became a little more comfortable - though there still not being very much talking from Jay - Cole finally gathered the courage to ask what even happened in the room. He didn’t expect Jay to open up much about it, and he didn’t, but at least he said something.

He reluctantly responded with something vague about getting upset and having a moment of weakness. Cole hated the wording but he didn’t bother making him expand, just glad Jay was talking about it a little. He could imagine what Jay meant anyway. It was clear he felt left out, at least to Cole. He didn’t blame him for being upset. 

Then Cole reassured Jay that it would be fine, that the pictures were replaceable. They were all printed out photos from their phones - the entire team had them up in their rooms - so it was very simple and straightforward to just get new ones. Jay of course knew that all along but he was more attached to the principle of it all.

Because in the end, he’d still destroyed them. He didn’t say any of that aloud though. He just let Cole believe he was right.

Then Jay quietly showed Cole the picture of him and his parents, the broken photo frame and shattered glass - which they’d cleared up just a moment ago. It was surprising that Jay hadn’t accidentally cut himself on it with how long it had been sitting there. 

It did make Cole wonder if Nya had even seen it, because why would she let it stay there?

Cole reassured Jay about that photo too. He said he could fix the original frame and glass. It’s not like the shards were in tiny pieces so it would easily be fixable, he thought. That seemed to cheer Jay up a little.

Cole tried his best not to focus on all the pictures he found of him and Jay together. It didn’t matter. Not when they were here in the present together.

When they finally finished, Jay seemed to have a little life in him, at least more than he had before. They managed to fix the bookshelf, place everything right where Jay wanted it, and with little talking too. 

Except when Cole turned to leave, saying goodbye, Jay called out to ask what Cole was up to for the rest of the day. 

It sucked that things were different now. That they didn’t have anywhere near as much time to spend together anymore. Cole had priorities, he had responsibilities… Though he wished he could hang out with Jay all day just like they did before the merge.

Nobody seemed to have free time anymore. Nobody but Jay at least.

“I’ve gotta head to the Land of Lost Things,” Cole told him, clutching onto the door of Jay’s room, “Frak wanted some extra training.”

Jay seemed disheartened at that.

“...Why.. don’t you come along?”

Jay almost froze.

“It’ll be nice for a change of scenery,” Cole suggested with a small smile, “Besides, maybe we could use your wise input on Frak’s training.”

-ˏˋ⚡︎ˎˊ-

Going to the Land of Lost Things was a mistake. He should’ve known it was too good to be true. 

As soon as he was introduced to everyone, he was given weird looks, he was ignored and forgotten about. He shouldn’t have expected a lot, he shouldn’t have expected things to change so suddenly.

It wasn’t like the Finders hated him, no he was sure they didn’t, but they just didn’t trust him. He couldn’t blame them but God did he wish they’d see how he’d changed.

Though, they only knew him as Rogue. As the ninjas’ enemy. He couldn’t expect them to trust him straight away.

He at least hoped they’d try to get to know him. 

Now, hours after he’d arrived, he was still sat somewhere in the back, watching Frak’s training unfold. Cole said this place was much better for Frak’s training since there were so many mountains and hills around. He said it was ‘easier to harness his abilities’. It made sense. Jay just hated that he was far from his comfort place; his room. He sure would love to curl up in bed right now.

But instead he was sat here, in his ninja gi, not even feeling like a ninja. He hadn’t given any input in Frak’s training at all, not that he’d been asked by anyone despite Cole saying it back at the Monastery. Instead, it was Geo helping. 

Jay didn’t have anything against Geo. He was sweet and kind, and honestly the only person that hadn’t looked at Jay like he was some gross criminal. Maybe that was just because they’d been on the same team for game night, but it’s not like they actually spoke to each other or acknowledged one another. But he hadn’t bothered trying to talk to him either. As soon as Cole and Geo got started with Frak’s training, no one seemed to remember Jay was even there.

Sure, it was nice to get out of the same walls of the Monastery he’d seen for months on end, but was this all that better? 

And the longer he sat here watching everything go down, the more he focused on small details. On how close Geo and Cole really were. Jay had already done a lot of thinking over the last few months about how close those two sounded, but he didn’t know just how close they actually were. 

They were inseparable. It made sense considering how much time Cole spent here instead of at the Monastery. Jay couldn’t help but feel disheartened. 

As soon as Geo was in the picture, Jay seemed to be a distant thought, if he was even thought about at all. Cole didn’t once look back to check on Jay, to ask for a little input or make sure he was still there. It’s like Jay stopped existing. He sat completely on his own for hours.

That was until someone he hadn’t officially met yet turned up. He swore he’d seen her somewhere before…

“Oh,” her voice was monotone, blinking as she saw him sat down on some rubble not too far from the three so engrossed in training.

Jay didn’t say anything. He just stared at her. She just stared at him.

For a while, they didn’t really acknowledge what was happening. She glanced over at the group, Jay did the same, and it didn’t take her long to realise what was happening. She soon sat down beside him, leaving a rather large gap between them. Jay was just glad he wasn’t alone anymore.

He didn’t know her name, but he certainly did recognise her. She recognised him too. 

It was more of an unspoken truce they had. He had let her go free, unharmed, when the Administration had raided the second Monastery. She had let him go free too. It was her that helped him to realise that his life didn’t revolve around the Administration, that he was so much more. They had each other to thank, really.

But they didn’t. They didn’t even introduce themselves to one another.

“They come here most days, I’m getting kind of tired of the constant ground rumbling.”

Maybe under different circumstances Jay would’ve found that slightly amusing. But right now he just felt fed up too. He wanted nothing more than the ground to open up and swallow him whole. 

“I… apologise for not telling your friends you were at the Monastery that day.”

He hadn’t expected her to say it. Not aloud anyway. It wasn’t her fault about what happened. He at least got to figure things out on his own, even if things would’ve been much easier if he’d been found by one of the ninja.

“Why didn’t you?” He was at least curious.

She shrugged, watching the group train, “I didn’t know.”

“Nerves?”

“No, I genuinely didn’t know. I didn’t know who you were.”

Jay frowned. 

“I didn’t even know you really existed regarding the ninja. I’d never heard of you before, besides this little story Cole and Zane told right before it happened. All they did was mention your name, I didn’t know what you looked like, or what your power was.. I knew nothing. That’s why I didn’t tell them. Because I didn’t know it was you.”

Jay felt his stomach drop. 

These people, the Finders, didn't trust Jay at all because they didn’t know anything about him besides what they saw or knew after the merge. Because even though they’d spent so much time around the team, around the ninja, around Cole , nobody had mentioned Jay.

Nobody had mentioned him at all.

“No one… talked about me?” he almost didn’t want to ask but knowing the truth was better than having to guess and question himself.

All she gave was a simple shake of her head.

Maybe the Finders hadn’t spent all that much time around the ninja as a whole but they certainly spent years around Cole, with Cole, they were a family… . Cole hadn’t mentioned him even once ? His own best friend? 

Jay didn’t know what was worse. The ninja not caring much now after all these years of not seeing him, or the ninja not caring even back then when they had no idea what had become of him yet.

His felt his insides twist, his head spin, and the longer he watched Cole with his new friends, his new family, he wanted nothing more than to die. Just die.

The people Jay cared about the most, the people he loved, never saw him in the same light. In the same care. 

The ninja didn’t care now and maybe they never cared at all.

Because after all, they never bothered properly looking for him. He knew that because Nya had told him - not in those exact words but round about that. They didn’t go after him, save him, when he was sent away at the Tournament. They didn’t even try to stop him when he threatened to shatter his goodness in that fight against Nya. He hadn’t focused on the ninja during that fight because he didn’t care back then but he certainly didn’t remember any shouting coming from their direction. He certainly didn’t remember any fight from them.

Did they even want him back? Or was it all just pity?

Because it was so very clear that they didn’t want him there for the game night. It was clear when Lloyd had declined his inclusion, that they didn’t fight it when he walked off. Only was it ten, fifteen minutes later that the actually felt bad and invited him. It was a pity invite, he knew that. 

But everything all together, everything adding up, it was so much clearer. 

He didn’t belong here. 

Did he ever?

Without a word, without announcing anything, Jay just got up and left. He walked back to where he remembered the portal being. Bonzle didn’t call out to him. Nobody noticed he left besides her. He didn’t bother looking back. He didn’t even think about it. 

And yet after all this, he couldn’t be mad at anyone. He couldn’t be mad at the ninja. He couldn’t be mad at Cole. He couldn’t even be mad at the Merge anymore. This wasn’t about what had happened to Jay, about how he’d lost his memories and was significantly different now. It was about Jay in general. 

Jay even before the merge. 

Because if they didn’t care when he was still missing, when he was losing himself right in front of them, did they ever care in the beginning?

When he reached the portal though, standing in front of it as it lit up, the other end directly leading him back to the Monastery, he couldn’t bring himself to go forward. He couldn’t bring himself to walk through it. Because through his tear-soaked eyes, his aching body and pounding head, it didn’t seem worth it. The pain didn’t feel worth it. 

So he sucked in a sharp, shallow breath and headed in the opposite direction. Across the Land of Lost Things without anyone seeing, and over the hills. 

He didn’t know where he was going. He’d probably regret it after a while and return back to the Monastery anyway because he couldn’t stay away from the people he loved and cared about, especially not Nya, but in this moment being anywhere but there seemed so much nicer. 

Even if he did leave for good, he doubted anyone would really notice.

Chapter Text

It was just over a day later when he returned to the Monastery. The sun was setting as he stumbled through the gate, his breath short, his mouth dry, everything aching and in pain. His vision was blurry - likely from dehydration and the lack of food he’d eaten in weeks, months, but the fact he’d managed to make it back here was honestly astounding in itself so he didn’t really care to focus on the details.

Despite the Land of Lost Things being so far away, he’d gotten back just fine. 

Well, fine was an understatement.

He expected a crowd when he walked into the yard. He expected some kind of training to be happening, or gathering, or something . He expected- no, wanted a crowd to see him stumble into the Monastery, to either see their reactions that he was safe because they’d missed him, or their reactions of shock because they hadn’t noticed he was missing. He preferred the first option.

This entire journey back he’d been imagining the team’s faces. He’d been imagining them being glad to see him. Relieved. 

But as he stepped foot into the building, there wasn’t anyone in sight. In fact, the loud bustling coming from the main room was enough to tell him everything he needed to know. 

He slowly made his way down the corridor, his shaking hand to his head as he adjusted to the environment and noise, practically dragging himself. He was struggling to stay awake. Maybe it was a mixture of the fact he hadn’t properly slept in days, or how weak and malnourished he was. 

When he reached the doorway of the main room, everything hit him at once. It was bright, too bright. There was too much noise, most of it just ringing in his ears. His vision was as blurry as ever and he swore he was swaying slightly. He could barely make out those bustling around the room, moving furniture and setting up mattresses and pillows on the floor. There were a lot more people in here than the usual Monastery inhabitants, he was sure.

And suddenly, out of nowhere, his yang appeared in front of him with a bright smile.

“You’re here finally,” she beamed, “you’ve been sleeping all day, huh?”

He just blinked.

It didn’t take her long to look over him properly, noticing the few rips in his gi, the slight dirt on it, the open wound on his knee which was visible through one of the rips. There was blood patches on his gi.. It was her turn to blink.

Then she frowned in concern and reached out her hand to touch his arm gently. He flinched right before wincing.

“Jay..?” 

“Sorry,” he muttered out, his voice croaky and quiet, “I.. went for a walk a few hours ago and tripped.”

“You… tripped?” she didn’t seem convinced.

He gave a slight nod, though it was met with another wince.

Her concerned gaze didn’t falter.

“Are you- Sorry, you tripped ?” she questioned before looking over him again, “it doesn’t look like you tripped .”

“It was a pretty nasty fall.”

He said it so plainly. So emotionless. 

Just as she went to touch his arm again, opening her mouth to say something that would likely sound like pity, he backed back up into the corridor and glanced away from her.

“I’m gonna go get some fresh clothes on.”

“Jay, is-”

“I’m fine, seriously, just tripped, that’s all.”

“...Are you sure?”

“Positive.”

“....Okay…”

“Well, did you get my message last night at least?” she asked before he could disappear.

He blinked at her, “What message?”

“The one about being super tired after extra training with Sora so I just went straight to bed..?”

How convenient.

“Oh,” it took him a moment to react accordingly, “Oh! Yeah, that one. Yeah, I got that.”

“Okay.”

“I’ll uh.. Be back.”

And before she could add anything else, he hurried off to his room, closing the door shut behind him. He locked it and just stood there for a minute, taking some time to process everything.

He hadn’t really had time to properly think since he left the Land of Lost Things yesterday.

He wasn’t entirely sure he wanted to think to be honest. 

So for a minute, a few minutes actually, he just stood there. With no thinking. With no feeling. Just completely numb. 

His entire body ached, various places in agony, his head pounding and spinning, his vision still blurry. 

And then all of a sudden, as if being hit at lightning speed, his legs buckled from underneath him, his body hit the floor, his head not long after it.

He was met with complete darkness.

It wasn’t until hours later that he woke up. His eyes opened slowly, readjusting to the light in the room. His head pounded more than ever, his vision was still slightly blurry, and his entire body hurt more than he could ever imagine.

He was still in the exact same place he’d passed out in, sprawled across his bedroom floor, the door still locked, everything still in the same place it’d been left in. 

He could hear something from down the corridor, something that sounded like a movie. It was on full blast it seemed. That or everything just seemed ten times louder.

He felt nauseous. He only had himself to blame for all of this. Not just everything in general but everything that’s happening right this moment. That’s happened over the last 24 hours. It was his stupid decisions that got him here, his stupid decisions that were the reason that he passed out on his floor, malnourished, in pain, and dehydrated. It was his fault nobody had been to check on him, to find him sprawled on the floor. He could’ve done some serious, serious damage. 

And he couldn’t dream of blaming any of his ‘friends’ for it. 

He took a while to come to his senses, to be able to gather the courage to push himself up onto his feet. It took a long time, especially with how his head spun, but when he’d managed to do it, he finally got changed. He wore the same pajama bottoms he always did, and found another hoodie that wasn’t the one Cole had leant him. He wasn’t sure he could stomach wearing that one right now.

It took even longer to be able to change. His arm was in complete agony, his legs similar.. That fall he’d had had definitely done some damage, huh. 

Almost an hour after finally waking back up, he made his way out of his room and stumbled down the corridor towards the kitchen, completely skipping past the main room. He didn’t even want to think about how they were all in there watching a movie, on so called family movie night - which Jay didn’t even know was actually going ahead - without him. Jay hadn’t checked his phone but since nobody seemed to notice he’d been missing in the first place, he doubted any of them bothered to ask if he was joining, despite being the first person invited. 

Whatever. He was done caring.

He was done with everything, to be honest.

He dragged himself around the kitchen, careful not to move his throbbing arm so much, and grabbed himself a nice cold drink of water. Lord, had he needed it. It was refreshing and made him feel a million times better.

That was until he was interrupted.

“Oh, hey, you’re awake,” Kai’s voice rung in his ears.

Jay eventually turned to see him, knowing he was probably looking a right mess. Kai didn’t seem to notice though.

“I came to grab you a few hours ago but your door was locked and there was no noise so I just assumed you fell asleep,” Kai shrugged, “I didn’t wanna disturb you. Nya said you went for a walk and fell?”

“Tripped.”

“Right,” Kai nodded, making his way over to him slightly, “you’re okay?”

“Mhm.”

“Good. Are you gonna join us? We’ve almost finished the first movie but Lloyd really badly wants to show Wyldfyre, Frak, and Sora the magical world of Star Farer. Who would have thought?” Kai chuckled in sarcasm.

“Oh,” he hated Star Farer, “I’ll pass.”

Kai seemed confused at that, “Are you sure? You’re more than welcome to join, even if you’re late. Everyone’s here - even Pix and Zane.”

“I’m fine, thanks. I’m still kinda tired so I think I’ll just get an early night.”

Kai frowned. Jay didn’t acknowledge it. Jay tipped the rest of his water - half the glass - down the sink before putting it on the counter and turning to leave.

“Do you want Zane to check you over? Nya said your knee was-”

“I don’t need your fake pity, Kai, okay?” Jay bit, shoving past him.

Jay didn’t even think about looking back. He didn’t want to know Kai’s reaction, he didn’t want to hear Kai’s response. He just walked. Straight past the main room and straight back to his own room. He locked the door, making sure nobody could pay him any visits. 

And that was the end of that. 

Maybe it was self sabotage. Kai clearly was inviting Jay to join them but did it really matter when it was the principle of it all? Cole had been so clear about everyone being involved, including Jay, and then didn’t make sure he was there. 

And what kind of excuse was it that Kai just didn’t hear anything coming from Jay’s locked bedroom? Jay would’ve known there was something wrong in an instant. 

Jay had been passed out on the floor for fuck’s sake. What if he’d been seriously injured? What if he’d been dying? What if he’d been attacked by an intruder? 

And while all of that happened, the rest of the team were just sitting in another room enjoying themselves and watching a movie as a family. 

Jay instantly checked his phone. It was the first time he had since the merge. The only message he had was from Nya. That one she mentioned earlier. 

None from years ago. No ‘yo where are you at’ joke texts. Nothing. Just that one message saying she was tired and wanted to go straight to sleep. No invitation to movie night. No letting Jay know when movie night was happening let alone the fact it was happening at all, because all Jay was aware of was that it was in talks. That they didn’t know if it would actually happen or not.

They’d had time to inform the Finders, to inform Zane and Pixal, but hadn’t even bothered trying to tell Jay, who was supposed to be in the same building as them.

He felt pathetic. It felt like he was being selfish, but was it really selfish to be upset for not receiving the bare minimum from the people that were supposed to be your friends?

If he hadn’t stormed off yesterday, walked himself off to who knows where, fallen off that stupid fucking cliff, and taken a whole day to return, would this entire situation be different? It was all just what if’s. That’s all Jay had been questioning for years.

What if he hadn’t lost his memories?

What if someone had told Bonzle beforehand about Jay’s existence?

What if someone chased after him at the Tournament?

What if, what if, what if.

He was tired of it.

He didn’t know what else to do.

He’d tried so hard to earn his place back here, to worm his way back into the family he was supposed to be a part of, but all he’d earned was a little speech from his former best friend, a whole bunch of trauma, and a failed suicide attempt. 

And for what?

What did he expect to happen? 

He couldn’t tell anyone the truth, not even Nya, because all they’d do is pity him. They’d start including him more or make more of an effort just because they felt like they had to. It wouldn’t make a difference. It would only make Jay feel worse.

Should he just act like nothing was wrong? Like nothing happened? Like he didn’t know not a single one of them gave a single shit about him? 

Because if he kept hiding, showing that something was wrong, then they’d start to catch on. The pity would rise, he wouldn’t be left alone ever again because he couldn’t be trusted. 

That’s not what he wanted. 

So as much as it hurt to do so, as much as it both physically and mentally agonised him, he forced himself into that main room, to sit between Kai and Nya with his probably sprained arm crushed between them, and watched that fucking Star Farer movie even if it hurt to see his biological father that had abandoned him as a baby, all just so nobody would catch on to how much of a mess he truly was. 

And just as he expected, nobody really cared or noticed that he was there.

How could someone feel like so much of a stranger in their own home, within their own family? 

Jay would never understand it.

Chapter Text

“It’s not broken, just sprained.”

Jay let out a small relieved sigh, though very fake. He couldn’t let Zane catch on. If he made it seem like a genuine accident, that he was glad it wasn’t injured too bad, he wouldn’t be questioned.

“I’ll put a sling around it and it should be as good as new in no time,” the nindroid gave a small smile before turning to one of the cabinets.

This was one of the very few rooms in the Monastery that managed to remain basically the same. A few of the cupboards had switched around but that was basically it. Jay felt somewhat at home in here, despite it being a literal medical office. 

Jay didn’t say anything. He watched as Zane got everything he needed, including anti-septic wipes for Jay’s knee. He hadn’t cleaned it up after yesterday. 

As much as he didn’t want to be here, having this inspection, with a nindroid judging his physical health, it was at least better than sitting in his room alone in complete darkness.

Movie night had been a drag. Barely anyone acknowledged Jay all night, despite it clearly being something suggested because of how ‘bad’ they felt about leaving Jay out of game night. It still felt very much like they were leaving him out, and the worst part of it all was that they didn’t even realise they were doing it.

At least he’d thought it was just on purpose with what Lloyd had said at game night. That they didn’t want him to join because it would leave odd numbers and screw their game. It was a dumb excuse, Jay knew that as soon as he heard it, as soon as he watched the blank yet slightly pitied expression on the green ninja’s face. The fact not a single one of them corrected Lloyd in the moment either. He’d thought it was obvious they simply just didn’t want him there. That and the fact Lloyd had specifically said they thought Jay wouldn’t want to join… Meaning they’d purposefully decided not to invite him. 

At least he’d been thought about, he guessed. 

But when it came to movie night, they didn’t really bother at all. Nobody had informed him it was even happening, nobody had checked up on him all day to even notice he was missing. Kai hadn’t bothered enough to check Jay’s silent room - while he was passed out on the floor, mind you. And what topped it all off was the fact Cole hadn’t seemed to care about Jay’s presence despite literally disappearing yesterday.

It did make Jay wonder if Cole even noticed Jay had left, or if he even thought about checking. That or maybe Cole just completely forgot he’d invited Jay to the Land of Lost Things and it didn’t even cross his mind because Jay wasn’t directly in front of him.

He wasn’t sure if he wanted to know the truth really.

But back to movie night.. No one besides Kai and Nya had actually noticed that Jay had joined. Even when someone would steal an accidental glance at him while looking around the room, they had no reaction. It was almost like he was invisible.

Jay liked to think it was because it felt like he’d always been there. 

Perhaps that was his way of coping.

He wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt. He wanted to believe they truly cared about him. But deep, deep down, he knew they didn’t. Not anymore anyway.

The entire of movie night felt like torture to Jay. His body was in agony, especially his arm. At most times he’d genuinely thought his arm was broken considering how much it hurt. But he was a soldier, not letting anyone know of his injury. He should be starred in a movie honestly.

When everyone eventually got tired and they went to sleep, was when Jay realised he hadn’t even set up a bed in the room. He couldn’t do it in front of everyone, that felt pathetic. He tried his best to just sneak back off to his room, probably drown in his own self worth or pass out again against his own volition, but he was dragged back by Nya, who told him to just sleep with her in her set up. He was nervous at first, slightly dreading it, but honestly… He needed it. 

For the first time since Jay had officially been back, they cuddled. As much pain as Jay’s body was in from his… fall .. The pain almost felt worth it. Worth it for the attention he craved so badly. Nya had wrapped her arms around him, kissed him on the forehead so softly, and all of Jay’s worries and self pity had completely vanished in no time.

That was until he woke up. It seemed he couldn’t escape it no matter what. Because as soon as morning came, he was reminded of just how insignificant he was to everyone but his yang. 

He almost felt selfish being so desperate for attention, crying over the fact nobody cared, when this entire time he’d always had Nya. But sometimes he felt like he wasn’t selfish, like he was completely valid, because it often felt like Nya was only here with him because she felt forced to. It would look pretty stupid if after all the fighting to get him back, she just decided she didn’t want him anymore. 

Sometimes Jay thought she truly didn’t want to be around him.

Last night seemed to settle his worries on that though.

And as much of a failure everything besides sleeping felt last night, he’d at least succeeded in not letting anyone know the truth of what happened during his ‘walk’. Nobody had questioned him. Though, it was dumb of him to assume anyone paid enough attention to him to notice anything being wrong anyway. The fact Kai had easily believed Jay during their talk in the kitchen was evidence enough. 

When Jay had finally woken up, he’d been the only one left asleep. Surprisingly, Nya was no longer beside him, her side of the makeshift bed being so tidy that it looked like nobody had even slept there. Jay had to convince himself it wasn’t all just a figure of his imagination.

It wouldn’t be totally surprising though. He’d thought about it most nights. Laying in bed in the darkness all alone, imagining someone, literally anyone , holding him.. He wished Nya wasn’t so scared to touch him sometimes. 

Hopefully last night wouldn’t be the last time. Though, he wasn’t entirely sure how much longer he’d have left here. He’d have to savour every small moment that he could.

He’d made his way to the kitchen slowly - as much as his aching, agonising, body would let him. When he arrived, he found everyone sitting around the kitchen counter already eating breakfast. Lloyd wasn’t flipping pancakes, Kai wasn’t cutting strawberries. They’d already been done. 

And to Jay’s dismay, there were no leftovers. There were no free stools at the counter. Jay didn’t have any reaction. None at all. He just stared, his eyes still half closed with his tired state. His body and mind were in so much pain that he himself just felt completely numb. It’s almost like he was getting used to being forgotten.

Now he understood why Cole hated being forgotten so much. If only the earth ninja hated forgetting much more. 

Nya had been the first to spot Jay standing in the doorway. Most of the group greeted him, some surprised to see him as if he hadn’t literally been with them all night. But whatever. 

Lloyd offered to make him something but Jay politely declined, saying he was going to shower. He wasn’t. He just wanted to be anywhere but here.

That’s when Zane spoke up and offered to look over Jay’s injuries. Thanks to the nindroid, Jay had to explain why he was injured. He stuck to exactly what he’d told Nya and Kai previously.

He just went for an afternoon walk, got distracted by the view, and tripped. Nothing more.

Zane walked Jay to the medical office. Jay didn’t talk very much, though neither did Zane. If Jay could feel any emotion right now, it would probably be anger. Maybe a mix of hurt. After all, this was the first time these two were seeing each other since Jay regained his memories. 

They talked like they were strangers. Like they never knew each other before last night. Like they hadn’t been basically inseparable years ago. Jay liked to think he and Zane were close. Maybe he was wrong.

“Just go easy on it,” Zane said as he finished up the sling around Jay’s arm. 

Jay hated it. It felt so constricting, as if he didn’t feel trapped enough already. Besides, he didn’t deserve a stupid sling. He didn’t deserve for his arm to get better, not when he’d done this to himself. It felt like the right punishment for his actions.

He couldn’t tell Zane that though because if there was anyone who would notice the tiniest of slip-ups, notice if there was something even slightly wrong, it would be him. 

Though, Jay thought he was being pretty obvious right now. His lies were dreadful, his story didn’t add up completely, and yet Zane hadn’t seemed to notice at all. That or he did and just didn’t care. 

Once Zane was done cleaning up Jay’s knee and slinging up Jay’s arm, he was quick to tidy. Jay didn’t know if he wanted him to leave now or to wait around. It was awkward to say the least.

“Should I… go or..?”

Zane hummed, turning to Jay with a confused frown. Jay felt nauseous. 

“Oh,” Zane gave a slight smile, “if you’d like. I was hoping to chat with you about something though.”

“Uh, sure,” Jay was pleasantly surprised.

As Zane continued tidying up, he decided to make a start on conversation. It was most definitely awkward, but at least it was something and Jay was just grateful someone wanted to actually talk with him about something other than what he was being pitied for. 

After all, Jay hated pity.

Except when Zane turned to him briefly with a somewhat troubled gaze, Jay’s stomach churned.

“Your injuries are quite.. How do I put it.. Severe?” even Zane sounded confused.

Jay gulped. 

“I mean, you will be okay, but.. These are quite dramatic injuries for a simple trip.”

“Dramatic..?”

“Your arm is sprained. Your entire arm. And your knee was very close to it too.”

“My knee is fine.”

Zane just hummed. Then he turned to put the packet of anti-septic wipes he’d taken out of one of the cupboards away. Jay didn’t like this conversation, not one bit.

It was stupid of him to assume this conversation, his conversations with anyone, would be about something other than them just pitying him. Maybe Zane’s was different. He was just talking about the injuries he’d just been treating, Jay couldn’t necessarily blame him for that, but he sure did hate that Zane was pointing it out. Jay wasn’t that good of a liar, despite being able to hide his pain all night. 

“I know I haven’t been here much recently,” he hadn’t been here at all actually, “but I haven’t seen injuries like this from something so small in quite some time.”

Jay didn’t know what to do but chuckle nervously. If he acted fine then maybe Zane would believe it.

“I mean, I’m pretty clumsy and my bones are basically like feathers, so..” Jay shrugged, “is it really a surprise? The last time you treated injuries like this was probably me, let’s be honest.”

Except Zane’s reaction wasn’t one that filled Jay with joy. 

The nindroid frowned at him. 

“Can you go through what happened again? Please?”

“You’re a nindroid, don’t you remember basically everyth-”

“I would like a reminder please, Jay.”

“Okay..” Jay gulped, quickly wracking his memory for the story he’d told a few times already.

This was stupid. He’d already basically told Zane what happened, this just felt like a waste of time now. If Zane wasn’t going to have an actual conversation with Jay about anything but what was happening in the current moment, then what reason did Jay have to be here? It was clearly a waste of both of their time. Zane probably had much better things to be doing right now.

Everyone seemed to.

“I went out for an afternoon walk. I got distracted. Then I tr-”

“Got distracted by what?”

“... The view.”

“What view?”

“The.. mountains,” Jay shrugged, “The trees. Flowers.”

Zane hummed before nodding and turning away from Jay to continue tidying. Just when Jay thought the master of ice was done, he turned back to him with another signature frown.

“What did you trip over?”

Jay hadn’t thought about that part yet. Whatever he said from here on out, he’d have to keep a mental note of. He’d likely have to tell this story a million times over again.

“...A log.”

“A log?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.”

Jay really hoped that was the end of Zane’s questioning. As much as Jay wanted to tell Zane to stop interrogating him, he really didn’t want the nindroid to think Jay was being defensive. After all, he wasn’t hiding anything, right?

“I apologise for my lack of understanding but… if you tripped over a log and landed on the ground that I’m assuming was not that far down, how did you gain your injuries?”

Shit. He really hadn’t thought about that part either.

“Uh-” Jay didn’t even think, he was panicking, “It’s a… funny story really. I was walking on this hill, sort of hill, I don’t know, and.. When I tripped I just tumbled down the side of it.”

“You tumbled down a hill?”

“Well.. maybe it was more like a cliff.”

“A cliff?!”

“A small cliff.”

“You… fell down a cliff?”

“Kind of,” Jay gulped, “but it’s fine. It was only small. I skidded my knee on the rocks and landed on my-”

“Rocks?!”

“Zane, it’s fine . It was a small cliff. Basically the side of a hill. It’s no big deal.”

Zane didn’t seem satisfied by the answer but it seemed like Jay’s sheer panic of someone finding out the truth had made him incredibly good at lying, as if he was tricking himself that what he was saying was the truth too.

Jay didn’t like all these small details. He’d have to try to remember all of this. He wasn’t even happy with the answers he’d given but if he’d taken too long to think about what he was going to say, Zane would’ve caught on.

Zane took a moment to understand it all, maybe to even picture the scene in his head, before he hummed again. As he finished tidying up and turned to Jay properly, he gave a small reassuring smile.

“Well I’m glad your injuries aren’t worse then.”

“..Thanks.”

Was that really a compliment? Jay had wanted much worse injuries.

Injuries was a bit of an understatement.

Though, as much as Jay was upset that Zane was asking all these questions, it wasn’t at the fact Zane was concerned. It was at the fact he was worried someone would find out the truth of what happened. That aside, Jay was actually… glad someone cared enough to ask about the details. Zane was the first person to show he… deeply cared. 

Maybe Jay had been too quick to judge.

Jay did miss Zane a lot. They’d been so close before the merge. Jay was grateful Zane was back, even if it wasn’t for long.

“Are you… free t-”

“Zane?”

And before Jay could finish his question, of course he had to be interrupted. Pixal peered her head into the room, a wide smile upon her lips at her boyfriend. Zane’s attention was instantly captured. Jay couldn’t help but watch in anguish.

“Can I borrow you?” she asked so softly, so innocently.

And before they knew it, Zane was leaving the room right after her. Jay just sighed to himself.

Just when things were somewhat looking up, just when Jay thought someone cared, that care was snatched away from him. He should’ve expected it by now.

But to Jay’s surprise, the nindroid turned around in the doorway to look at Jay with a comforting smile. A smile Jay hadn’t seen in a while.

“It’s good to see you again,” was all he said. 

It was soft. It was genuine. Jay almost felt happy.

It was hard for him to feel much at the moment, but at least it was something.

Zane left Jay in the room alone, but for the first time in a while it wasn’t in despair. It was in what could be joy. Maybe Jay wasn’t completely on his own, not completely forgotten.. 

Maybe he had both Nya and Zane.

But he should’ve known that just as things were getting good, just as things were looking hopeful, they’d crash and burn at ten times the rate.

Jay, in a somewhat good mood, turned up to dinner for the first time. It was awkward, but he didn’t feel completely unwanted for once. He’d make conversation with Zane, and probably Nya too. He might even try to involve himself in everyone else’s conversations.

But as he sat at the end of the dinner table - in the seat that hadn’t belonged to him because his original seat from before the merge had been taken by someone else now - he noticed not everyone was present. That’s when he asked Nya, who was once again the only one to notice he was actually there.

Zane and Pixal had left that afternoon.

In fact, it wasn’t long after Zane and Jay’s chat in the medical office. It wasn’t long after Pixal had interrupted and ripped Zane’s attention from him.

And according to Nya, the two had made sure to say goodbye to everyone.

Jay didn’t stay for dinner. He went back to his room with some stupid excuse Nya believed. He locked his door. He sat on the floor against it for a while, possibly hours, just thinking. 

Then for the first time in a while, he sat at his desk. He switched on his lamp, picked up a pen and started writing in a notebook he’d had for longer than he remembered. It was full of scribbles, random invention ideas and designs. He didn’t care to focus on any of it. He just flipped to a blank page and started writing everything down.

He stopped every now and then to think of the right wording, because this would be the most important letter he ever wrote in his life and if he didn’t get it right, there would be no chance of rewriting it. Not when he finalised it. 

Before the merge, when he sat at his desk doing literally anything, he’d find himself staring up at his bulletin board whenever he had to pause to think. It felt weird doing it now. Usually he’d find some solace, some creativity, staring at the various pictures of his family he had. Now it was empty. Some of the pins were still up, a few corners of the pictures that had once lived there still remaining. They were ripped. You couldn’t guess what pictures they belonged to, or who had inhabited them. 

But this board, what it had become now, was the perfect example of what Jay had. Before the merge, it was Jay’s way of reminding himself what he did have, what he had to be grateful for, the reason he had to live. But now? He was just reminded of the lack of things he had, the lack of people that cared for him.

The lack of reason he had to live.

That’s exactly why he was writing this letter. That’s exactly why he couldn’t mess it up. Once it was done, once he left this room, there was no going back. There was no rewriting it.

He felt awful about yesterday. Not because he regretted trying what he did, but because he knew that even if the ninja didn’t seem to care about him while he was here, they sure would when he was gone. If he left without a trace, they’d eventually be wondering where he was. They’d think he got kidnapped or something. They’d waste their time trying to find him, just like they’d wasted their time tracking him down for so long. At least with this letter, they’d have a clear definitive answer. They wouldn’t waste their time travelling the merged lands to find him.

Because there would be no finding him.

Even if they did find him, all they’d come across would be a body.

Just as Jay was coming to terms with what he was going to do, thinking of plans while he wrote out his explanation, about how it wasn’t the team’s fault and that he truly cared for them, he was interrupted.

Of course he was.

Because even if the team hated him, even if they didn’t care about his existence at all, they obviously had to end his plans to stop bothering them. 

Whatever. He could finish this later.

Nya dragged him to the main room to watch a new movie Kai rented that she thought Jay would like. To be honest, it was hard to refuse when he knew this would likely be the last time he was spending time with the people he still considered his friends. He could at least make the most of it. He could at least give them some final good memories, though he doubted they’d notice he was even there. 

When he’d finally gotten free after the movie though, he decided to go for a walk to clear his head. An actual walk this time. No falling. 

It was late when he got back. Everyone seemed to be asleep. 

He had plans to return to his room, to finish writing that letter he’d been pouring his heart and soul into, his utter deep fears and apologies for what he was about to do… But what he found was yet another interruption.

And God this interruption was a million times worse than the first.

Because when he entered his room, closed his door and switched on his desk lamp, he was met with the letter he’d been writing.

Except it was ripped up. It was scattered across the desk.

He hadn’t done that.

… Who had?

Chapter Text

Panicking would only make things worse. He wasn’t sure he could panic even if he wanted to. He didn’t have the energy

It felt like he’d been shot in the heart, his head pounding so much it felt like he was going to pass out again. He couldn’t move, completely glued to the spot.

It was almost like if he blinked then maybe the problem would go away. Except it didn’t. The letter still remained on the desk, ripped up.

And even after almost half an hour of just staring at it, he still couldn’t quite place who could’ve done it. The only person that ever came into his room, specifically in the evening, was Nya. But.. would she rip the letter up? 

Maybe if she was mad enough. Perhaps he just didn’t like the picture of her ripping it. After all, he’d poured his entire heart into that letter. Now he’d have to redo it.

But he couldn’t redo it yet, not while he knew someone in the Monastery knew of his plans. Knew of the letter. He needed to get to the bottom of it.

They’d likely try to stop him. He needed to find some way to assure them it wasn’t what it looked like, that he wasn’t actually going to do something. He could come up with a good enough lie once he found out who had seen it, right?

But, God, was it difficult. There were so many people in this Monastery. He could rule out the new students for sure. They had no reason to come in here, meaning they wouldn’t find the letter. 

So it had to be someone from the original ninja team. Someone Jay knew before the Merge. 

He could instantly rule out Zane, Pixal, and Lloyd. Zane and Pixal had left earlier that day, they couldn’t possibly be here. And Lloyd barely even spoke to Jay, let alone come to his room. The green ninja was so wrapped up in the world and his new students that he never gave Jay a second thought.

That left the other three. They were the only ones that actually bothered talking to Jay, or coming to his room. Nya was here every evening. She always let herself into his room. Cole had been here helping to tidy a few days ago. Jay couldn’t exactly think of a reason why he’d want to come to his room tonight but it was still possible. Maybe to ask what happened when he walked off the other day. And Kai had already been to check on him yesterday, and perhaps wanted to talk after Jay’s comments to him in the kitchen. 

Nya, Kai, or Cole. 

It shouldn’t be that hard to figure out, right? Those three were pretty confrontational so if they had seen it then they’d probably say something. Besides, Jay liked to think those three cared about him at least a little - well, the letter was ripped up so clearly they were upset by what they saw. As much as he didn’t want to be approached about it, it would be much better than asking.

Though, he wasn’t thinking about Kai and Cole all that much. They’d been to his room before but that didn’t mean they would now. 

Nya was the only logical option. She came to his room every night, and she was already suspicious of Jay’s injury story. Jay just wasn’t thinking about it being her as much because he didn’t want it to be. The thought of his yang, the person he loved most in the world, the person that had done everything they could to bring Jay back, seeing his suicide note made him nauseous. It made him want to die more. 

But if she had seen it, he couldn’t ignore it. He couldn’t pretend nothing happened. He didn’t want to hurt her, not at all. She’d done so much for him, been the only person that was really there for him. Now she’d seen his note about how he didn’t want to be here anymore.

He’d written so much in that letter, so much that he would never dare tell anyone unless he was dead. He dreaded their reaction. He dreaded their feelings. 

It wasn’t like he cussed them out, of course not, but he wasn’t exactly… grateful either. He’d written about how he felt left out, how they didn’t care, but he was so clear about it not being their fault that he was separated during the merge. He said it wasn’t their fault that they had other priorities and forgot about him. But that didn’t mean he wasn’t honest about how he felt.

Thinking about it now, maybe he would’ve worded some things differently. But he didn’t try to blame them. If anything, he was blaming himself the entire time. 

He hadn’t finished the letter though. He’d been writing little paragraphs for everyone as he was. The first was to Kai. The second to Zane. That’s all he’d written before he was interrupted. It was nothing incredibly special, just thank you’s and sorry’s. He’d write different whole letters to everyone if he thought they cared enough.

In reality, he just wanted the letter over and done with so he could finish what he’d started a few days ago. 

It was a good job he hadn’t written out a plan or anything. He couldn’t imagine what would happen if someone found out exactly what he was going to do, despite it being very clear in the letter. 

Whoever had found the letter and ripped it, was clearly upset (possibly even angry), and he needed to figure out who it was before they told everyone. Jay didn’t want the pity, he didn’t want to be surrounded just because everyone was scared he’d do something stupid.

He didn’t sleep. He just sat on his bed, his back to the frame, and stared out at the ripped paper from across the room. One of his lifelong friends had seen that letter. Someone in this Monastery knew of his plans. Someone in this building now knew he lied about his ‘walk’ the other day.

He hated to think what would become of tomorrow.

He waited until he was sure most people were out of the kitchen after breakfast. When he heard the students running down the corridor and Lloyd following after them, talking about something to do with training, Jay jumped at the fact the kitchen would inhabit his three targets.

He hated to think that they’d already discussed the letter.

So he made his way out of his room carefully, his body heavy and tired, his arm still in a stupid sling, and towards the kitchen. It was quiet, uncomfortably quiet. 

When he arrived at the kitchen, he expected to find the three discussing quietly, almost in whispers so nobody would overhear. Because he doubted the three would tell anyone besides each other. Jay was sure the last thing they’d want to do was stress the new ninja out, or even Lloyd for that fact. They’d all been so stressed recently. 

Jay stood in the doorway of the kitchen for a minute, watching as the three did their own things. Nya sat drinking her coffee, reading through a magazine. Kai was eating his breakfast. Cole was typing away on his phone. Not a single one of them noticed he was there. Not a single one of them were talking.

Jay felt his heart almost stop. 

Kai was the first to glance up. He was the first to spot Jay. He smiled at first, Jay not knowing whether he should feel scared or relieved. After all, it’s not like he knew how they’d react. Whether they’d be upset or pretend like they hadn’t seen anything and just be nice and supportive to make Jay feel loved. He certainly didn’t feel loved after seeing his note completely shredded. 

The fire ninja quickly frowned at him though. 

“Are you alright?” he asked, “looks like you’ve seen a ghost.”

Kai knew. He did. He had to. The ghost comment? Was that supposed to be a death joke? 

He’d seen the letter, ripped it up because he couldn’t believe it, and now was making jokes. Or he was coping? Jay couldn’t tell.

What part of all this did he find funny? Jay’s note wasn’t supposed to be funny, it was heartfelt and sad and-

“Jay?” Kai raised an eyebrow.

… Okay. Maybe it wasn’t a joke. It was just a saying, wasn’t it? 

That’s when he noticed Cole and Nya also looking over at Jay. They both looked confused, slightly concerned.

Was it all of them? Did they all know? Or was it only one of them? Maybe it would be harder to figure out than he thought.

“Did you want some breakfast?” Nya wondered, her tone laced with worry.

Oh.

“I can grab you something,” Nya suggested as she got up from her seat. 

He didn’t say anything. He just watched as she walked over to the fridge and looked around for something. Both Kai and Cole went back to what they were doing.

So she knew. It was her. He knew it. She was the only one that came into his room at that time of night. She was the only one that really came into his room full stop. 

He’d written about his eating habits in the letter. He’d apologised for it, not that he really needed to. He’d been vague, but he felt guilty not being honest when he’d been acting so suspicious. He wanted the team to understand the full story, the full reason why he was doing to end things. He didn’t want to leave them questioning.

And stupidly he hadn’t expected anyone to find the letter. Somehow someone knowing about his eating felt much worse than them knowing about him wanting to take his own life. He didn’t know why. It just felt more daunting.

She was offering to get him something without a second thought because she knew. She knew he hadn’t been eating, that he’d been lying to her this entire time. Yet she didn’t seem mad. She didn’t seem upset. She just seemed worried.

But then again, Cole was being avoidant. He was barely paying attention to Jay at all, hadn’t even greeted him. He was so engrossed in his phone - probably typing away to his new bff Geo. And maybe Kai’s ghost comment wasn’t a death joke but he still seemed weird. 

Jay couldn’t tell if he was just overthinking everything or they were all acting weird. Though, it’s not like any of them had paid attention to Jay in months. Was this really new?

Whatever. He at least could tell Nya had been the one to read the letter. Just in case she hadn’t told anyone - which he doubted - he wouldn’t bring it up around anyone besides her.

He made his way around the counter and sat down opposite Kai. The masters of earth and fire didn’t care to notice Jay much. Nya continued to make Jay some breakfast, opting for something other than pancakes. It didn’t take long for Cole to leave the room, saying he had things to do. He didn’t specify. Jay had an awful feeling. Kai soon left too, saying goodbye to the both of them. It was brief though. He said he needed to help Lloyd with training.

That just left Jay and Nya. 

She didn’t say very much. She made scrambled eggs on toast. Jay had never been a big fan of eggs but they weren’t so bad scrambled. Nya did always scramble the best eggs anyway. 

He wasn’t sure what to say. Anything he’d say would make things worse. If there was anyone he certainly didn’t want to see the letter, it was her. At least not until he was gone. He felt stupid, almost selfish. Her reading the letter while he was still here and alive felt worse than knowing she’d read it when he was gone. Knowing of his plans before he did them felt worse. It felt humiliating. He couldn’t imagine how she was feeling, especially as she was reading it.

He watched as she turned to him with a comforting smile and slid the plate across the table at him. 

Why wasn’t she upset? Why wasn’t she confronting him about it? Why was she looking after him? Because she felt bad?

Jay sighed, “Why are you doing this?”

She shrugged lightly, “I noticed you didn’t care much for pancakes, and I’m sure it’s pretty hard to cook anything with a sprained arm. So I may as well make your meals for you.”

Jay didn’t look at her. He knew exactly what she was trying to say. ‘I don’t trust that you’ll eat on your own because I know you haven’t so I’m forcing you to’. He didn’t blame her. It just made him feel worse. He felt even less like eating now.

But he still forced himself to. She’d made this for him. He couldn’t waste it. He’d already wasted so much of her time over the last few years. He was sure she felt that now too, knowing his plans.

Though, as much as all of this was nice and he felt somewhat supported despite what he’d written in the letter, it didn’t mean he… wasn’t going to do it. It didn’t mean he was chickening out just because someone found out. In fact, it made him want to do it more.

Jay finally glanced at her with tired eyes, earning a concerned expression from her.

“Did you sleep okay?” She asked cautiously.

“You don’t have to pretend y’know,” he shrugged half-heartedly, “I know you saw it.”

She stared at him blankly for a second.

“I’m sorry, I really am, but you have to understand th-”

“Wait, what are you talking about?” She questioned, “Saw what?”

Now she was playing this game. Pretending she didn’t see it, that she hadn’t ripped it up. That she wasn’t doing all of this because she knew he wasn’t eating, that he wasn’t taking care of himself. That she was gonna try to keep him in her sight because she didn’t trust that he wouldn’t try something stupid.

He could understand why she was doing it. Maybe she didn’t want to face the truth because it would become too real, or maybe she was trying not to humiliate him, but he’d rather get it over and done with. Being confronted about what he’d written, about what he was going to do, felt much less torturous than her trying to hide it, trying to pretend that things were fine. 

“What you saw when you went into my room last night.”

“....I didn’t go in your room last night.”

Jay stared at her with furrowed brows for a second. He genuinely couldn’t tell if she was lying or not. She looked confused, slightly concerned. 

“Jay, what happened?” 

“...You didn’t see it?” Jay frowned, “Because if you did then I’d prefer you’d just be honest and-”

“I’m so serious, what are you talking about?”

But if she hadn’t seen it, why was she acting so weird? Why was she acting more caring this morning? Why had she made him breakfast?

Was it really because she just thought he couldn’t do it himself?

He should’ve known. Nya was confrontational, especially with him. If she had really known about the letter then she would’ve come to him straight away. She would’ve been sat in his room, on the bed, waiting for him to get home so they could talk. She wouldn’t have ripped the letter up.

She wouldn’t be pretending like she hadn’t just read her lover’s death note. 

She wouldn’t be acting like the worst part of it all was his eating habits. 

But if it wasn’t her, who was it? Well, it’s not like it was entirely unbelievable. Kai and Cole had been acting weird just now. 

“..Jay..?”

He stared at her with wide eyes for a second. He couldn’t believe he’d almost given it away to her.

“I- uh-.. I dropped that framed picture of us you got me for our 3 year anniversary..” Jay shrugged, trying to seem apologetic, “It broke.”

“Oh.”

“Sorry. I thought you’d be mad, so...”

“Why would I be mad about that? It was an accident, right?”

“Yeah. Definitely.”

Nya gave him a reassuring smile, “I’m sure it’s fixable.”

“Yeah, probably.”

“Don’t worry about it, sparky. It’s no big deal.”

Thank God he’d hidden the letter shreds. If she’d gone to check there would be no hiding it at all. Not that the letter was really salvageable anyway..

So, at least he knew it wasn’t her. That just left Kai and Cole. Who would he target first?

He did his best to finish up his breakfast. He and Nya chatted for a while so it wasn’t so bad. Then as Nya went to help with training, Jay tried to track down Cole. After all, he was the next likely culprit. 

Though, just like Nya, Jay expected Cole to bring it up. To confront him about it. 

Jay headed straight for Cole’s room, except he wasn’t there. He knocked for a few minutes, entered to find nobody there - as well as a completely different room to what Jay remembered - and instantly left. As soon as he was over the change he’d witnessed, he headed outside.

Training seemed to be going well. Jay approached Kai - who wasn’t doing anything just yet - hastily. The fire ninja was quick to notice him and greet him. He seemed fine, though Jay wasn’t sure if that was a front or not.

“Do you know where Cole is?” Jay wondered, “I need to talk to him about something.”

Not to look suspicious or anything.. But perhaps if Kai had been the one to see the letter then maybe he’d own up to it, thinking that’s what Jay wanted to discuss with Cole.

Except he didn’t seem bothered at all.

“Uh- I’m pretty sure he just let for the Land of Lost Things with Frak. He and Geo have some plans for his training today. Why?”

Typical. Of course he went there. Of course he completely ignored Jay, was probably texting Geo on his phone the entire time, and then disappeared. Though, then again, was it because he was usually like that… or because he knew something? 

But surely Cole was just like Nya. If he knew something was wrong, he’d talk to him about it. After all, he literally came to help Jay tidy his room a few days ago after seeing his room trashed. He and Nya had both come up with the movie night plans, even if it didn’t go as planned.

Jay just hummed. That’s when he glanced out at the training properly. Lloyd was working with Sora and Arin while Nya worked with Wyldfyre. Nya’s training technique seemed to be nice, comforting. Lloyd’s on the other hand… not so much. 

Jay frowned, turning to Kai, “Is he usually this harsh on them?”

Across the training yard, Lloyd was almost yelling at the two.

“Nope,” Kai shook his head, “I don’t know what’s up with him today but he’s been… I don’t know… off .”

“...Off?”

“Acting weird. He didn’t eat anything at breakfast. Didn’t even opt to make the pancakes. I had to do it, and I bet you can imagine just how awful I was at it,” Kai explained, “He’s been super quiet, and now he’s acting like Arin and Sora have killed his parents or something.”

That’s when it clicked.

“It’s really weird,” Kai added, “He’s never been like this, at least not in a long time. But he’s really never been like it with the new students or anything. He’s pretty calm and understanding usually. Now he just has little patience.”

Lloyd was angry. He seemed upset. Not at his students, and the way Kai made it seem, sounded like Lloyd wasn’t angry at any of them either. The only person that hadn’t been there… well, was in his room questioning who ripped up his letter.

Someone who was angry and upset would rip up a letter, wouldn’t they?

Lloyd wasn’t all that much of a confrontational person either, though it depended on the situation. 

It only confused Jay more though. What reason did Lloyd have to go to Jay’s room, especially so late at night? And why hadn’t he told anyone about the letter?

Who was he angry at? Jay or himself?

Jay wouldn’t know the truth until he got straight answers. So he opted to wait for training to be over, for Lloyd to call it and for him to storm off somewhere alone. Except he didn’t. When they’d finished, he said they had a small mission they needed to attend. Something that was brought to his attention last night but wasn’t needed ASAP.

That might explain why he was in Jay’s room. Maybe he was inviting him on the mission?

Jay could safely assume he wasn’t invited now. Not with how angry Lloyd was at him. The green ninja didn’t even look in his direction.

So he gathered the team around - minus those that were still in the Land of Lost Things - and ordered them all off. Jay was left alone in the Monastery.

Surprisingly, Jay didn’t really do anything. He didn’t rewrite his note. He didn’t clean up anything. He just sat at the kitchen counter, thinking about what happened. He pictured Lloyd entering the room to speak to Jay, maybe even a little happy to invite him on a mission for the first time in years, only to be met with a half finished suicide note. He pictured Lloyd getting upset and angry, ripping it up into shreds, before storming out of the room.

It was still surprising that he hadn’t mentioned it to anyone at all, not even Jay.

Was he planning to? Was he just planning to ignore it? Jay didn’t know what was more disheartening.

When the ninja arrived back from their little mission, Jay was still sat at the kitchen counter. He’d had five cups of coffee, most of which had gone cold by the time he remembered he’d made them. Everyone went about doing their own thing, not paying much attention to Jay all - which for once he was thankful for - so Jay headed on his own little mission to locate Lloyd.

It was very obvious it’d been him to see the letter. Confronting him about it was the only thing he could do, as much as he hated the thought of talking about his feelings and why he was doing it. He hoped Lloyd would just understand.

The green ninja was outside training. Jay had never seen him be so aggressive to the training equipment. Maybe against super tough villains, sure, but never against something he was only supposed to go easy on. He was sweating like crazy, breathing heavily.. Jay wanted to tell him to take a break but maybe that wasn’t the right approach. Not while Lloyd knew Jay’s dark plans.

Jay was nervous, to say the least. He knew what he was walking into, he knew he’d have to defend himself with his life. He felt nauseous, he felt exhausted.. But if he didn’t do this, things would only get worse. 

“..Lloyd?” His voice was quieter than he wanted but it still managed to grab the green ninja’s attention enough.

Lloyd glanced over at him, glancing away almost instantly as he realised who it was.

“Can we talk?”

Lloyd didn’t say anything. He stopped training briefly to take a swig of water. Jay was just glad he was taking care of himself. 

“I’m not really in the mood,” Lloyd’s response was dry.

“I know you saw the letter.”

“Can we not do this right now?”

“Lloyd, I-”

“Jay, seriously.”

Jay instantly shut up. He watched as Lloyd went back to training. 

At least he wasn’t pretending like he hadn’t seen it. Jay wasn’t ready to let it go though. If they didn’t talk about it right now, would they ever? Besides, it’s not like Jay’s plans weren’t going ahead. He wanted to make sure he was on good terms with everyone before he left. He didn’t want anyone to feel guilty, especially not Lloyd. He’d always seen Lloyd as a little brother. He’d practically helped to raise him back when he first joined the ninja team. He’d taught him how to use electricity to the best of his ability. They shared a love for Star Farer before Jay lost interest due to… familial troubles. Then the two grew distant. It only seemed to get worse after the Merge.

Jay wasn’t about to give in. He cared about Lloyd a lot even if he didn’t care much for Jay. This wasn’t something they could just forget about or leave until later. Not when Lloyd was this angry and it was affecting everything around him. 

“Why did you rip it up?” Jay made his way properly into the yard, slowly approaching Lloyd.

The green ninja stopped training almost as soon as he heard the question. He stood with his back to the lightning master for a minute, trying to process it. 

“Are you serious?” was all he responded with.

Jay didn’t say anything else. Quite frankly, he was too scared to. He didn’t know what Lloyd was thinking.

Lloyd turned on his heel to face Jay, anger in his eyes. There was no way Jay could’ve guessed what he’d say.

“You seriously thought I’d leave it, let you finish it, and then leave it for us like it was a sweet thing to do?” Lloyd questioned, “Do you really think the team needs that? To read that?”

Oh. It made sense now. It made sense why he didn’t tell anyone about the letter. Why he was angry. 

“So, what, you would’ve just left it? Let it happen? Not told anyone?” Jay frowned, clueless.

Lloyd huffed, “No, Jay, I wouldn’t have, I-”

“Then why didn’t you? I’m assuming you read the letter and just… didn’t say anything..?” Jay was utterly confused, “If I wasn’t here right now, would you have brought it up to anyone at all? Even me?”

“I don’t know.”

“You just think ignoring the letter is gonna fix it? You th-”

“Of course not!” Lloyd exclaimed, “I mean, clearly not! You didn’t bother leaving a letter or anything when you tried the other day, did you?!”

“So you want a letter now?” Jay questioned, not raising his voice like Lloyd was.

“No! No, there shouldn’t be a letter! You shouldn’t be trying to- to.. y’know !”

Maybe it was obvious what Lloyd was trying to say. But to Jay it just seemed contradictory. Lloyd didn’t want a letter because it was upsetting. But if Jay was to end his life, he would want a letter? It didn’t make sense. 

“Look, Jay, I’m just scared okay? And I’m scared for the team. They don’t-” 

Jay stared at him with slightly furrowed brows. He didn’t want to believe what he was thinking. 

But how could he not believe it when it was right in front of him?

And honestly, this was the last straw.

“Let me get this straight, you don’t want me to write a letter, you don’t want me to end things, because you’re scared? Because you don’t want it to affect the team ?”

Lloyd sighed, “Jay, listen, I-”

“You didn’t tell anyone about the letter because you were only thinking of the team. You didn’t want them to find out what I was planning because you wanted to protect them..?” Jay seemed to be getting more annoyed the more it pieced together in his mind.

And Lloyd was getting angrier at the accusation.

That didn’t stop him from doubling down on it though.

“Do you have any idea how selfish it is?”

“Selfish?!” Jay exclaimed.

God, it was almost like Lloyd hadn’t read the letter at all. 

“The team has spent so much time finding you and doing what they can to help you and you just.. Want to kill yourself? After everything? Do you have any idea how selfish it is that you completely wasted their time like that? Our time? I-”

Wasted their time. Lloyd thought everything they’d done to save Jay was a waste. Of course he did. After all, he’s the one that led Nya to not go after Jay at the tournament. Lloyd was the one that cared mostly about the new ninja rather than the family he had before the merge. 

“Did you even read the letter? I’m grateful as fuck for those that did help me, but how can you think this is entirely my fault, that you didn’t have something to do with all of this? Did you miss the part where it said I didn’t feel wanted? That nobody gives two fuck’s about me now that I’m back?” Jay questioned, his words bitter as his voice cracked slightly, “Even when I came back as Rogue not a single damn person tried to help me get my memories back. You didn’t try to help me fix my soul. You all focused on these damn missions and on the new team. I am constantly forgotten about and you’re questioning why I want to leave? Why I don’t want to be here?”

“We did try to help!”

“When?!” Jay exclaimed, tears pricking at the corner of his eyes, “Because all I remember was a few people asking me ‘don’t you remember this?’, ‘don’t you remember that?’ and as soon as I said no everyone just gave up. Nobody bothered helping me look into it properly. No one.”

“If you’re claiming no one cares then why did you even write the letter? To make us feel bad?”

“Because I care, Lloyd! Because I’m not stupid and I know that once I’m not around then people will care! You guys are supposed to be my friends, my family, if you think I’m gonna leave without an explanation than you-”

“You think we aren’t gonna feel guilty after reading that letter after you just leave? After you just kill yourself?”

Jay didn’t say anything. He just stared at Lloyd blankly, not even able to cry no matter how much he felt the tears prick at his eyes and threaten to fall. 

He knew exactly what Lloyd was saying. He knew exactly what he meant. Could he be surprised? 

“Do you ever think about anyone but yourself?” Lloyd questioned, voice sharp and bitter.

Jay didn’t say anything for a minute. They just stared at one another - Lloyd angry and Jay in utter disbelief.

But he was starting to accept it now. Because this was what he was thinking this entire time. For weeks, for months. This team didn’t care about Jay. They just cared about themselves.

“You’re making this about you.” Jay spoke quietly.

“What?”

“You never told anyone about the letter because you didn’t want to scare the team. If you truly cared about me, you would’ve said something. Even just to me myself. Except you didn’t. You just ignored it and hoped the team wouldn’t find out.”

Lloyd seemed to go dead silent. He didn’t look surprised, he just looked offended, yet he didn’t argue it. 

“But what if I had done something? And you knew the entire time and just didn’t do anything. Didn’t bother to try to help or stop me. Didn’t tell anyone at all,” Jay spoke calmly, yet with fear in his tone, “You knew exactly what I was going to do, that I could do it at any moment, and didn’t try to stop it. Instead, you stayed quiet because you were scared for the team . Not for your ‘friend’.”

“..I didn’t know what to do.”

“I understand it’s difficult, I get it, but if I found out my friend was gonna do something stupid like that, I would do anything to stop them. Not just stand on the sidelines and hope it all goes away. That’s not how things work, Lloyd.”

Lloyd just seemed to get annoyed at that, “Why are you suddenly so upset that I didn’t stop you? I thought you wanted this! And now that you didn’t, it’s my fault for not saying anything? Wouldn’t you have been mad if I had said something?”

Jay was in a state of shock. 

Noticing Jay’s reaction, Lloyd instantly sighed.

“I didn’t meant that I- ...I don’t want you dead, Jay.”

“Well, that’s not what it seems like to me.”

“I didn’t mean it lik-”

“Save it,” Jay bit before spinning on his heel and heading back towards the door, “I didn’t realise I was such a bother to you.”

“Jay, pleas-”

“No, I get it,” Jay turned back around to snap, “Things have changed, I was missing so you moved on. You have a new team now, a new family, and I’m just getting in the way.”

“That’s not-”

“I wouldn’t do any of this to you, Lloyd,” Jay’s voice broke, “To any of you. I would’ve dropped absolutely everything to find you, to save you. Glad to know we’re not on the same page.”

Were they ever on the same page? 

The worst part of this all wasn’t just that Lloyd was only thinking of the team, but because he genuinely thought things would be better if Jay just weren’t around. That he was selfish for even considering ending things because it would harm the team. Lloyd didn’t think once about Jay, about how he was feeling, even after reading that damn letter. He ripped up Jay’s heart and soul, his apology, his explanation, all because he was angry that he was betraying the team. He was angry that Jay would consider ending his own suffering because it would ‘affect the team’. He ripped up the letter not because he was upset that his friend was about to end his own life, but because he was only thinking of himself. 

It had never been clearer to Jay that he didn't belong here. That he wasn’t part of this family or team. That Lloyd didn’t even consider him part of it since the merge. 

Did he ever?

Lloyd was probably thinking about how much easier things would be if he just didn’t come back. That nobody cared to look for him. Jay knew exactly who it was that was trying to search for Jay, looking for him.. Who fought for him even when things looked dire. Lloyd wasn’t one of the names Nya had mentioned.

Jay didn’t know what he’d done to Lloyd. He’d never seemed to be close with him, or want to be around him, but whatever it was at least Jay knew the truth.

Even if it hurt. 

He wasn’t wanted here. He was forgotten. Everyone had moved on so much so they didn’t care if he was dead or not. He should’ve known that when they didn’t bother looking for him while he was still missing.

He could’ve been dead. They wouldn’t have cared. They wouldn’t have looked.

He would’ve been lost forever almost as if he never existed.

All while the rest of the team were fighting alongside each other, having reunions left, right and centre, inviting new people to join the team. All while they had game nights and took family photos.

And Jay was alone.

Just as he’d always been.

Maybe he was just better off dead.