Chapter Text
Thanos swiveled in his gaming chair, watching his room turn into a blur of color. He spun, gaining momentum until a wave of nausea crashed over him. Abruptly stopping, he nearly lurched forward onto the floor.
He tightly clung onto the armrests, steadying himself just in time. Thanos groaned, frustrated. He should be writing.
Lately, Thanos was running out of inspiration.
He had written about everything. About girls, cars, money, whatever other things rappers like him talk about. He was coming full circle. When he'd go to write a verse, it would just come out like his others.
There's an expiration date on your head when you're in the music industry. You spoil and rot when you don't bring something new to the table. There's only a certain amount of times you can write about something before listeners get sick of it.
And look, Thanos didn't want to lose his fan base. His income. His life source. He’s always been floating too close to the sun.
Only 19 years old, naive and oblivious to the true face of the music industry; Too full of hope to be cautious. Thanos was double majoring in accounting and business while producing tracks on the side.
If you asked him, he never wanted to go to university. School was a safety net until he could do music full time. It was good to have back-ups, and plan B's though. Especially after what happened junior year.
Thanos crushed an Adderall between his teeth, pacing outside of his dorm building. It was mid March, yet the nights felt as hot as summer days. A roar of cicadas thrummed in his ear with the pounding of his heart. The yellow streetlights twinkled, their light cascading down Thanos' face. He looked up, seeing a sea of small insects dancing around the shining orb.
The back of Thanos’ pants pocket vibrated– his phone. Fingers fumbling he quickly fished it out and pressed answer.
“Hey,” He said, “Juwon right?”
The voice cracked on the other line. “Yeah. I have news about your track.”
A weight lifted off Thanos’ chest as he brought the phone closer to his ear. This was the fucking day.
“We love it, but,” Thanos’ breath hitched as he waited for the continuation of the sentence, “We think it would suit Min more. Would you be cool if you were just credited and he sang?”
What.
The.
Fuck.
In that moment, Thanos felt the most sober he'd ever been. They couldn't just do this to him. He tried so hard to reach the seniors to show them the song and now they just want to sell him out? Hell no. He wouldn't let that happen.
Before he could clear his throat and deliver and answer they beat him to it.
“This'll help you get noticed. That's how I got noticed.” Juwon stated.
Thanos kicked a pebble under his foot, watching it fall into the street. He was tempted to do the same.
“I want to get noticed with my voice.”
The voice mockingly ticked over the line. He swore he could hear faint laughter, “Beggars can't be choosers Subong. We'll credit you. Promise.”
He took a long breath. Did he have a choice? They basically had full access to his work. It was never meant to be his choice.
Thanos’ heart dropped to his stomach in horrifying revelation.
They only ever wanted to use him. How was he so oblivious?
“Fine.” He hung up, not wanting to hear an answer. He already knew what it was going to be.
“Oh thank you so much for doing this!”
“What'd we do without you?”
“We knew you were someone to count on.”
Thanos ran a hand through his hair before turning to walk back to his dorm. This was fine. It'll be fine. Just this once.
In fact, Thanos was not fine. He was not credited with the production of that song even once. And you know what they did with that song? What that song became?
Min went on to use it for his composition course finals, and the class and the professor liked it so much it pushed him to properly release it.
It was never supposed to gain that much attention. But it did.
Thanos would remember going into the convenience store late at night for bottles of soju, and as he would look at the rows of bottles and zone out he was brought back to reality by that fucker's grueling voice.
The fist shaped hole on the wall in Thanos’ dorm spoke for itself.
Damn, just reliving that was pissing him off.
Thanos pushed off the armrests of his chair, standing up. He needed alcohol.
He threw a sweatshirt over his head, and a pair of sneakers before walking through the front door. The dim lighting of the apartment building made him fumble his keys as he tried to lock the door. It wasn't a bad apartment complex at all, even if the area was sketchy. Just avoid the druggies out front, and the rabid dog on the fourth floor and you're fine.
Although something interesting did happen a few years ago that the residence manager told Thanos about. Right on his floor, before he was a resident, somebody was running a meth lab. Now nobody knew what was going on behind those closed doors until a sound equivalent to a car explosion echoed through the complex. The room was completely destroyed, walls to neighboring rooms wrecked.
It was reconstructed now. Good as new. Thanos picked at the peeling paint on the wall before beginning his descent down the flight of stairs.
He pushed open the heavy doors, rapidly blinking as a gust of cold air rushed in. Thanos looked up at the dark blue sky, admiring the snowflakes twirling to the ground. Snow crunched under his feet as he made long strides to the nearest bar.
Seoul was quiet tonight. Maybe it was the ice on the roads slowing down everyone's pace, maybe it was the time.
12:23 AM
Thanos buried his hands into his pockets, starting to feel them sting. He forgot how unrelenting the winter was.
He didn't go outside often. Most days he'd sit in front of the computer and pace around the apartment, trying to produce something. His friends were busy with their own things. College, work, girlfriends. Thanos was busy with his own.
Empty time was filled with club hopping, bringing any girl desperate enough into his apartment. He'd let them stay until sunrise, before kicking them out. Thanos didn't wait on anyone. Especially on one night stands. He had new bars to go and girls to fuck. All good things were temporary to him.
The familiar warmth of the bar greeted him, wrapping around his body like an old friend. Thanos could close his eyes and paint every detail of the place. The bar was the back of his hand. He walked to the front of the establishment–the counter– before taking a seat on a high stool. His fingers impatiently tapped on the cold marble, eyes following the unfamiliar bartender attending to other customers. Thanos shifted his gaze to the wall of liquors and wines. The bottles were illuminated by a golden light, pulling in his focus. He mindlessly read the names, wondering what he should order.
“Hey, what can I get you?” The bartenderess asked, leaning her hands on the table.
Thanos thought, eyes drifting from the bottles back to the bartendress.
“Vodka, 3 shots.”
The bartenderess cocked her head, “You're not driving, are you?”
“No.” Just give him the goddamn alcohol already.
She gave a tight-lipped smile and went to pour the three shots. A minute later she returned, placing the small glasses in front of him.
Thanos didn't waste a second before pouring the shots into his mouth. They burned his throat, warmth travelling down to his stomach. He dropped cash on the counter before leaving as quickly as he came.
The snowfall had gotten heavier, cold flakes blowing into Thanos’ eyes. They touched his skin like tiny electrical shocks, his face scrunched up every time.
By the time he reached his apartment, the ground was spinning under his feet and the beauty that the winter wonderland became was just a white blur. Tripping on every step, he finally made it to his room. Thanos collapsed on his couch face first, letting out a deep sigh.
He closed his eyes and consumed the darkness.
When Thanos woke up the apartment possessed the same stillness as it did before. He blinked, eyes unadjusted to the dark. Thanos gently patted the area around the couch looking for his phone.
His pocket.
A wave of regret crashed over Thanos as soon as he clicked the power on button. The light momentarily blinded him, leaving Thanos to rub his eyes.
It was only four in the morning, he found out when he could look at the screen for longer than a second.
He turned off his phone and closed his eyes. A band of pressure squeezed around his forehead; a reminder of a few hours before. He quivered on his place on the couch, digging his freezing hands in his sweatshirt.
Thanos turned on his side, waiting for another wave of sleep to hit him but it never did.
His mind went back to his youth. Thanos was in the exact same state as someone he knew. His mom.
Thanos was only 10 years old, rushing home in his snow boots and scarf after a long school day. His hands tingled from rolling one too many snowballs, his nose burned from contact with one too many.
He'd rush home hoping to be greeted with something warm. Something other than his dinosaur covered sheets.
Thanos’ pace slowed as he reached the apartment buildings, taking in long breaths and feeling his throat burn.
His hand trembled in fear as he turned the doorknob, unsure of what was behind the door. Nobody bothered to lock it anymore.
Thanos kept his eyes on the ground as he walked inside and took off his shoes, snow gently falling onto the wooden floor. He walked through the foyer and into the living room, only then looking up.
There she was. His mom. Her body laying limp, feet dangling off the sofa. You would think she was dead if it wasn't for her hand gently rubbing under her nose. Back and forth. Unstopping.
It was weird. Her behavior. Thanos didn't understand what she was doing. Curiously, he walked closer, feet gently padding against the cold floor. As he stood in front of his mom he could see small snowflakes tethered to her clothes, some even on the floor. But his mom never went outside. Weird.
Oh, and her nose! A streak of red slowly ran from her nostril, before gliding down her jaw at a small pool before his feet.
Something beautiful as snow was never supposed to hurt.
Why did it hurt her?
“Mom?” Thanos gently asked, voice barely above a whisper.
Her raised hand slowly stilled.
“What?”
“I'm hungry.”
Thanos fiddled with the hem of his jacket. He knew nothing would happen, she'd just go back to rubbing her nose.
That she did. Thanos silently stood and watched his mom. The fresh streak of red had begun to dry, and her hand slowed its pace. Her arm dropped, dangling over the edge of the couch. She fell asleep.
Thanos quietly trotted to the kitchen, opening the fridge. It was an empty freezer, only a few condiments decorating the shelves. But that wasn't food. He closed the door, and went to his room. Throwing his scarf and jacket on the floor he crawled into bed, pulling the covers over his shivering body. He rolled over on his side bringing his arms close to his heart. Thanos’ stomach ached, leaving him with only one option: To sleep it off. He closed his eyes, making a silent prayer for the fridge to be restocked.
Fuck, Thanos couldn't sleep. He forced himself off the couch, and out the front door. Still in his shoes, he was out in a few seconds. He held the rail as he walked down the stairs, not trusting himself. Vodka really fucks with you. Can't take any risks.
For the second time, he shoved open the heavy doors and walked into the cold.
It was eerily quieter than before. Quiet enough to hear the snow fall. Thanos stood still, listening.
Weird silence for Seoul.
He crossed his arms and began walking. Besides the bar, Thanos would frequently visit the Han Bridge. He liked the quiet– the beauty of the cityscape just across the water. He liked how high up he felt on the bridge, like he finally caught up with the busy city. To be so elevated, meant to be disconnected. And maybe disconnecting was good when you didn't want to connect.
Although lonely, Thanos enjoyed distance. It kept him at peace. He could focus on his work.
He arrived, holding on to a nearby rail. The snow had started to thin on the concrete path, making it slippery. He slowly walked, looking at the blinking lights in the distance. Below, the water looked as dark as the night sky. Thanos shuddered thinking about how cold it was.
He approached the center of the bridge, taking a pause. His hands rested over the freezing metal as he took in the familiar landscape.
Suddenly he heard a rustle of a coat from his side. Thanos turned his head to the right, curiously.
Pale hands fumbled with a lighter, as long black hair blew in the person's eyes. His glasses gleamed as he turned to Thanos’ direction.
Namgyu put the lit cigarette in his mouth, looking Thanos up and down.
“Damn, you look like shit.” He breathed out.
Thanos squinted, “Thanks.”
Namgyu looked at him again before exhaling smoke and sucking the cigarette.
A gust of wind whipped around them, biting the edges of their pink noses. Thanos coughed. Cigarette smoke and dry air wasn’t a good mix.
Thanos stared at the dark water, ripples brokenly reflecting the city's lights. It was surprising to see the river not frozen while he was turning into a human popsicle.
Namgyu sniffed as he blew another cloud of smoke. He was staring at the water too.
Thanos stole quick glances in Namgyu's direction but his eyes stayed glued to the gleaming skyline and cigarette.
God, do people ever stop smoking?
He reached into his pocket, searching for the watermelon vape he bought the day prior. He sucked at the tip, waiting for a vapor but nothing came.
Shit.
It didn't work. He stuffed the vape back into his pocket.
The corner of Namgyu's mouth twitched in amusement as he finished the cigarette. See, that’s why he preferred cigarettes. If you can't power up a vape, it's over. For cigarettes you only need lighters. And you could get those anywhere.
Even if vapes were cheaper, Namgyu wouldn't dare to leave behind his beloved Marlboros.
Or share them.
Thanos’ eyes glazed over the remnants of the cigarette in Namgyu's hand, and at him. Then back at the cigarette.
Namgyu threw the cigarette on the ground, putting it out with the front of his shoe.
“Dude, why did you do that? It wasn't done!” Thanos complained, looking at the now trash.
Namgyu rolled his eyes, “I was.”
They stood in silence, both looking at the running water. Snowfall had started again, snowflakes lightly spun from the sky to the ground, sticking to their clothes.
Again, there was that eerie silence. Thanos almost twitched from how awkward it was. He could hear every breath, especially his own, and the shuffle of clothes.
He couldn't do this anymore.
“How's it going?”
His voice faltered at the end, getting quieter. Before Thanos could finish the sentence, he felt regret seeping in. The neutral expression on Namgyu's face shifted into one of disgust.
“Why?” Namgyu looked down at Thanos' shoes before looking at him again.
He crossed his arms over his chest and leaned against the metal railing.
“If you want something I don't have anything on me man.”
What? Thanos didn't want anything. Well, maybe that cigarette but where was this defensiveness coming from? This was uncalled for.
“I don't want anything,” Thanos awkwardly laughed.
Namgyu squinted his eyes, not breaking his stare at Thanos. He was going to get the truth.
Thanos shifted uncomfortably, not knowing whether to laugh again or walk away.
After a few beats of silence Namgyu sighed.
“That's what they all say.”
“Who?” Thanos asked.
Namgyu lazily waved his hand at him, “My customers.”
Thanos scoffed, “I wouldn't do that.”
“You sound just like them.”
Well shit. Thanos turned his body to face the water again, avoiding Namgyu's judgemental gaze. He felt himself burn with shame.
“It's going alright.” Namgyu suddenly said, reaching into his pockets to pull out another cigarette.
What the hell was going on with this guy.
First, Thanos received silent mockery at his failure with the vape, then got accused of using Namgyu when asking a simple question, then all of a sudden it never mattered.
If this guy could be read like a book, it would be Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen. Because, in fact, he could never figure out what the hell she was saying.
But one thing he remembered was that she said angry people weren't always wise.
Maybe Namgyu was just a defensive person. Yeah..
No reason to be mad.
“I'm doing good.” Thanos dug his hands further into his pockets.
Namgyu held out the cigarette towards him, “I practically smell the alcohol off of you, do you think I'm stupid?”
“Yeah,” Thanos snatched the cigarette out of the other's hand, “who deals drugs at their place of work?”
The gears in Namgyu's head visibly started turning.
“And who buys them?” he grunted after a pause, “You better stay quiet about this.”
Thanos splayed out his empty palm, “Lighter first.”
A black lighter reluctantly landed in his hand.
Namgyu felt a pit of rage swell in his stomach. Thanos had the most self-aggrandizing smile- even if you could call it a smile. It was more of a smirk. One that screamed “fuck you.”
He shouldn't have given him the cigarette.
Namgyu rubbed his forehead with one hand. The more time he spent with Thanos the more exhausted he felt.
“So Namsu,” Thanos put the lit cigarette in his mouth, “why are you out here?”
He almost gagged at the bitter taste, but bit his tongue. At least he had something.
“I just got out of work, and also, why are you out here?” Namgyu spat. “And my name's Namgyu, get it through your thick skull.”
Damn. Thanos exhaled a wave of smoke before replying. He needed to process that shit.
“Same thing.” He shrugged. It wasn't, yet he just wanted to see the crease between Namgyu's eyebrows appear.
Instead, the corner of Namgyu's eye twitched.
“No, it's not,” he countered, “get it right.”
Okay, okay, if he wanted to keep receiving cigarettes and drugs Thanos should be on his best behavior. Or at least try.
“Do you have a stick up your ass,” Thanos paused, “Namgyu?”
Uh oh.
Namgyu stepped closer to Thanos, still keeping a safe distance between them but enough to make Thanos want to step back.
“Say one more thing and I'm not dealing with you anymore.” Namgyu threatened. And he meant it. Oh how he wanted to snatch the cigarette out of Thanos’ hand and throw it into the river. Instead, he firmly clutched his hand into a fist in his pocket.
Thanos sheepishly bowed his head, “Sorry.”
But he had just one thing to ask.
“What do you mean your customers used you?”
Namgyu hummed, confused.
“They just used me? It doesn't get more complicated than that.” He crossed his arms over his chest.
Thanos sighed, watching the cloud of vapor exit his mouth.
“What happened?” He leaned his arms over the railing, cigarette ashes falling into the dark pit.
Namgyu looked at the sky, apprehensive about answering. He didn't owe Thanos an explanation, but a part of him was itching to say something.
“Well,” he took a deep breath, cold air hitting his throat, “I thought someone wanted something more from me. Not just drugs.”
A part of that weirdly resonated with Thanos. He and his music pals. He thought those people were actually meant to be his friends, but instead they stabbed him in the back.
Namgyu tugged at a strand of his hair, looking at the snowflakes caught on it. The long periods of silence were starting to get uncomfortable and he could only hope Thanos wouldn't make him regret what he said.
“I think,” Thanos paused, “we know exactly how people are. Just too full of hope to see the other side.”
Namgyu turned his head towards him, “Like?”
“Like when you trust someone to keep your secret when they've been telling you everyone else's.”
“...And you trust in them because you think it's different.” Namgyu slowly added.
“Exactly.” Thanos put out the cigarette on the metal bar and threw it on the ground next to Namgyu's.
The silence that sat between them now was more comfortable.
Weird. For once, there was a middle ground between them. No arguing, only howls of the cold air moving around them.
Namgyu slowly twisted his rings on his left hand, shivering at the contact with the metal. He then buried himself deeper in his coat, trying to escape from the inevitable winter.
“We should probably go home.” Thanos said straightening his posture.
Namgyu hummed, “Yeah.”
They both turned to leave, and began walking separate directions until Thanos called out.
“Thanks for the cigarette man!”
The corner of Namgyu's mouth tipped upwards. His mind began creating snide remarks that he so wished to say, but instead, he bit his tongue and gave a small wave.
If Namgyu wanted something from his customers then he would have to behave well too.
And his business wasn't done.