Archive of Our Own ^beta

It hurt.

It just hurt, it just hurt too much and they couldn’t, couldn’t take it anymore.

Alex clutched at their scalp, more tears dripping, streaming, pouring down their face.

There were red lines on their arm, puny, utterly pathetic things, looking like what Winfrey or Roly would give them when they played too hard. Pathetic.

Those lines, those lines wouldn’t do anything, they were too little, not enough, not enough to atone for anything they’d done.

They let out a choked sob, faces flashing through their mind again. There were three more. Just a bit deeper. Not enough, WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT WOULD BE ENOUGH?!

It wasn’t enough.

Sharp pain graced their thigh. Red, more red dripping down onto the towel. Red like the sunset, red like the goggles, red like his eyes, red like her favorite flowers redlikehisfavoriteball ohgodI’mgonnabesickI’msosorryI’msososorryI’msorryI’MSORRYI’MSORRYI’MSORRYI

More red. More. More. It wasn’t enough. Alex wasn’t punished enough. They would wantmore,moreredmorebloodmoreMORE!

They let out a shuddering gasp, the bloody razor trembling in their hand. Their forearm and thigh were crissed and crossed with scratches, cuts dripping and trailing blood. Some was probably in their hair. They gasped again, as if lacking for air. To be fair, they had been hyperventilating for a while, so they kinda were lacking for air. They smiled shakily, a trembling thing, the last leaf that fell from the branch in fall with another sob.

They remembered when. When they were happy. When they didn’t loathe each breath they took, when they weren’t forced in this town due to horrible, crushing sadness and guilt and fear and so, so much guilt to the point where they could not breathe, and it still followed them here, breaking them, crushing each bone into a paste,

They remembered when they shared this house, when they’d pick him up from school and take him with them to Grimmzo’s, they remembered dressing him up for Halloween, remembered-

CRACK!

“Don’t tell anyone or you’re dead. You know why this is happening.”

They did remember why, it was all their fault, they deserved it, they deserved more, deserved punishment, they wished It took them instead, wished it could have all been different, but it wasn’t, and it was their fault, all their fault!!

Swipe, swipe, swipe, hiss of pain. They were lucky the cats weren’t here. Lucky they asked a friend to sit them for a week. They’d be better off, oh how Alex loved them, but they were just innocent babies, too blind to see how-how horrible Alex was.

They swiped again. Again. The other thigh was painted cherry as well. They wanted to carve “I’m sorry” into it, but their hands were shaking too much. Can’t do one simple thing. They couldn’t write a note, either. A blank paper, sitting next to them. Maybe the tear stains and blood droplets could make up.

They sobbed. They were pathetic, so, so pathetic. They hated the way their breathing sounded. They didn’t deserve it, each breath was one taken away from her, from him! They needed to pay, pay for wasting oxygen, they were right, they were so selfish-!

They cut their arm again. It felt dull this time. Go deeper. Deeper. Deeper.

Deeper.

Deeper.

Deeper. 

Deeper.

They felt woozy.

Their arm was shaking, they could barely- were their glasses on?

Felt tired and.. dizzy.

Needed to continue though.

Needed to go.. go… de e p e r…

They shifted. Felt something.

Cold. Skin was cold. Felt tired.

Heard a weird, faraway sound. Speaking?

“Rj’krn wkeirng up, hfl in anfgrrot doeh…”

They were too tired to stay awake.