Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It’s a little after 7:30 when the knock comes and when she opens the door, her breath catches.

He looks broken when she finds him standing on the other side of it. The kind of worn out that makes your soul weary. He gives her a tight smile that doesn’t reach his eyes and despite her shock she takes note of how his face is marked with new bruises. Takes in the cuts on his hands. The torn skin on his knuckles. It steals something from her, seeing him like this.

There was a time she wouldn’t have had to ask. Would’ve already known what caused those bruises, would’ve known what’s obviously been keeping him up at night. Hell, there was a time he wouldn’t have knocked at all.

This would’ve been his home too.

His name falls from her lips. The surprise at seeing him. He’s not due home for another two weeks.

‘Can I see her?’ he asks. ‘I just… I’d really like to see her.’

‘She’s already down for the night.’

He deflates. Visibly. Like the words knock the air out of him.

‘Right, of course,’ he nods. ‘I thought I might’ve caught her.’

‘We went to the park after I picked her up from daycare,’ Hailey explains. ‘Think it tired her out.’

‘Right. Okay. That’s good.’ He pauses and his gaze lands on hers. Apologetic. ‘I should’ve called. I’ll leave you to it tonight. Maybe I could see her tomorrow?’

He turns away and she doesn’t know what it is about him tonight but she’s speaking before she can stop herself.

‘Jay,’ she says softly, ‘come in.’

His head tilts, a silent question in his eyes. They don’t do this.

‘If you wake her,’ she tells him, ‘you can stay to put her back down, okay?’

He nods, grateful, and steps inside.

She gestures to his hands. ‘You need the first aid kit? Those look sore.’

He shakes his head. ‘I’m good.’

It’s a lie.

He’s not good.

Neither is she.

Four years and it still stings - how far they fell, how different things are now. She tries to be strong. Every damn day, she tries. But standing here with him, well, it hurts. It hurts to see him hurting even though he hurt her. It always will.

She thinks most of the time she handles it better, but most of the time she knows exactly when she’ll see him. She can prepare.

She nods her head for him to follow her and heads down the hallway. Gestures for him to go ahead. He throws a small smile over his shoulder before opening the door to their daughter’s room.

She should leave. She knows she should. Seeing them together never helps.

He steps into the room and just stands there, looking down at Poppy like she’s the only solid ground he has left. When he turns, tears shine in his eyes.

‘She’s in her big girl bed,’ he whispers.

‘She’s been begging for it,’ Hailey says softly. ‘I gave in a couple weeks ago.’

‘I just… I won’t wake her.’ His voice is a plea now. ‘I’ll just watch her for a little while, if that’s okay.’

She nods and turns away. Leaves him be.

She heads to the kitchen, cleans the already clean counter just to give her hands something to do but it doesn’t settle her as she’d hoped. She fills a glass of water from the fridge and sinks onto the couch. Her head falls into her hands; palms pressed to her eyes harder than they should be.

It doesn’t stop the tears.

She’s not even sure what they are - frustration, grief, longing. Maybe all of it.

Tonight’s just caught her off guard.

She stands and starts pacing. Stops when her eyes land on the framed photo of Jay and Poppy on the sideboard.

There’s so much love in it.

She deliberately keeps it out here and not tucked away in her daughter’s room. She doesn’t want Poppy to feel like her dad has to be some secret that stays hidden away in her room. That he’s not welcome.

He is welcome.

It just hurts.

She tells Poppy every night he’s away that Daddy loves her, because it’s true. Because he does. Because Poppy needs to feel it even when he’s not here.

This was never the plan. It was supposed to be the three of them. Every morning. Every night.

Not divorced. Not separated by oceans and assignments doing God knows what, God knows where.

It should have been them but instead he broke her heart.

And she knows she broke his too.

And she thinks she should be past this by now. Sometimes she feels like she is. They co-parent. They have a happy, healthy, incredible daughter. She has a good job, a good apartment.

But she’s lonely and on nights like this it’s harder to deny that it’s because she wishes she could still have him. Have what she thought they would always have. She doesn’t yearn for a partner. She’d rather be on her own than with someone else. She just yearns for what should have been.

And it still leads her nowhere.

It’s hard.

‘Hey.’

Jay’s voice pulls her from her thoughts, and she rises to stand. Turns to face him. If he sees what she was looking at, he doesn’t comment.

‘Hey.’

‘Thank you for that.’

‘Of course.’ She hesitates. ‘Are you alright? When did you get back?’

‘This afternoon,’ he answers. Doesn’t even try to attempt the first question and that tells Hailey everything.

‘You didn’t come on your bike, did you?’ she asks, eyeing the storm hammering the windows.

He shakes his head. Shoves his hands in the pockets of his jacket. ‘I’m sorry, Hailey. I know we normally arrange everything ahead of time, but I got home and I just really wanted to see her.’

‘Jay, you haven’t seen her in three months. I get it.’

Lightning flashes behind her, slicing through the sky.

‘But still,’ he says with an apologetic smile.

He’s always so careful with her. So goddamn careful it hurts.

‘Jay, I said it’s fine.’

He nods at her words. Reads her tone and shifts the conversation on. ‘She looks so grown up in there, right?’

‘Yeah, yeah she does.’

‘And she’s been sleeping well for you in it or dancing around at 3 a.m.?’

She smiles a little. ‘If she’s been dancing, she’s very light on her feet.’

He huffs out a laugh.

‘I’m sorry,’ she says. ‘I know you were hoping to do it for her.’

‘Hey, no. What she needs comes first. If she was ready, she was ready. I still need to do it at my place. Maybe she’ll save her dancing for there.’

There’s a moment of silence between them. Nothing but the sound of the rain hammering down outside.

‘I’ll get out of your hair.’

A clap of thunder shakes the windows.

‘Mommy!’

Hailey is already moving at the sound of Poppy’s cry and she’s vaguely aware that Jay starts to follow before stopping himself. It’s not his home.

‘Hey, baby girl,’ she says scooping her daughter up into her arms. ‘I’m here. Mommy’s here.’

‘Mommy, it’s loud,’ Poppy says clinging to her.

‘I know, Pops. It’s just thunder. It won’t hurt you.’

‘It scared me.’

‘I know. But I’m here, and it’ll stop soon. You’re okay.’

She’s not sure why she makes the call to do it, but she turns with Poppy and heads for the living room. Jay’s eyes widening in surprise when he sees them both.

‘Poppy, you still got your eyes open?’ Hailey asks her and feels her girl nod into her neck.

‘Yeah, mommy.’

She turns round so that Poppy is facing Jay over her shoulder.

‘Daddy! Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!’

Her little legs kick against Hailey’s sides like she’s urging her forward to get closer to her dad and Hailey hands her over to him.

Jay’s arms go around her immediately and he breathes her in.

‘I love you, Poppy girl. Daddy’s missed you so much.’

‘I missed you. Are you back now?’

‘I’m back.’

‘I was scared, Daddy,’ Poppy says pulling back to look into her dad’s face. ‘It was too loud.’

‘I know. I was a little scared too. But you know what? Being scared means you know what makes you feel safe. Think about those things and it will help.’

He’s a good dad to their girl. A really good one and she’s grateful, so grateful, but of course it tugs on some part of her when she sees them interact like this. How can it not?

‘You and Mommy make me safe.’

‘Yeah, baby. We’ll always keep you safe. And hugs? Hugs make thunderstorms go quicker.’

‘They do?’ Poppy gasps and she turns to look back at her proudly showing off her new knowledge. ‘Mommy hugs make da storm go quicker.’

‘They do, huh?’ Hailey smiles. ‘I think you should give it a try.’

Another rumble from outside and she tucks her face back into Jay’s neck.

‘I’m scared. Are you scared, Daddy?’

‘Not now I’m hugging you.’

And Hailey knows he’s comforting their girl right now but something about his words tonight ring true.

‘‘Kay. I not scared then too.’

She sees Jay smile at the wonderful simplicity of a three-and-a-half-year-old. Thinks it’s his first real smile all night.

‘Daddy, can you stay?’

Jay looks up at her looking for silent permission and Hailey nods.

‘I can stay, Poppy girl.’

And he does. Hailey watches as he sits on the couch with Poppy cradled against his chest murmuring quietly to her as his hand brushes through her hair.

Within ten minutes, their girl is fast asleep on his chest, little fingers tangled in his t-shirt that peeks through beneath his jacket.

‘Want me to put her back in bed for you?’ he whispers.

‘Thank you.’

She leans against the doorway as he tucks her in and Poppy stirs awake.

‘Daddy,’ she murmurs, reaching for him.

‘I’m here,’ he says, brushing her hair back. ‘I’ll stay until you’re back asleep.’

Hailey watches as Jay eases onto the bed beside their girl letting her curl into him.

‘You need anything?’ Hailey whispers.

‘We’re good,’ he says. Eyes on Poppy. Eyes full of love.

Hailey nods and steps away.

It’s too much - seeing him there. It’s always too much.

When the storm fades, she checks in again only to find them both asleep, her daughter’s cheek on Jay’s chest.

It’s a sight that makes her heart ache in her chest. She grabs the blanket from over the back of the couch and covers it over him before closing the door behind her.

--------

He wakes slowly, and it takes a minute for his brain to catch up. Then he feels her.

The soft weight of his daughter sprawled over his chest.

He’s still at Hailey’s.

God.

He can’t remember the last time he slept that well.

Only that’s not right because he can. He remembers all too well. It was when Hailey used to sleep beside him.

The blanket smells like her, like home, and he presses it closer before he can stop himself.

But he messed everything up.

He stays still, not wanting to wake Poppy. Her wavy hair is a mess, wild and tangled and he gently moves a strand from where it’s caught in his stubble.

She has his hair - light now but the kind of fair that will darken with time. His eyes too. The rest? Pure Hailey. Even the dimple.

He tries to freeze this moment. To brand it into memory. He’s never spent the night here before. Never been allowed this deep into the life he left.

His presence here sits somewhere between welcome and unwelcome. He gets it.

That’s on him.

He made his choices. It was his choice to leave. To try and face his problems alone. He put Hailey in a position where she couldn’t reach him to tell him she was pregnant and then when she finally got to tell him, he’d already extended, already let her down again. It was a mess.

They let him come home for the birth. Two weeks of heaven and heartbreak. Then he left again. This time as a father and as a man whose wife had asked for a divorce. He took the rest of his parental leave once they’d finished out the assignment he’d been on as he tried to work out a new life for himself in Seattle as a dad and a divorcee.

Will once asked why he keeps doing this to himself, the job, this life, and the truth is because it’s all he has to offer.

Because when he’s around, Hailey looks like it hurts. Being around him hurts her. He sees it in her eyes. Knows – knew – her too well for those feelings to stay hidden.

The message is clear. She trusts him with Poppy, but not with her heart. And he can’t blame her.

And he wants to be the kind of man his daughter can be proud of and the army has been good for him. It did straighten his head out.

But it was too late. He’d already lost Hailey along the way.

And so he’s stuck with it. A job he’s good at. A job that helped him to find his perspective. One that allows him to plan for tomorrow because that’s a parent’s job - to think about their child’s future. He doesn’t take unnecessary risks with his job, he plans, he’s careful but it also allows him to plan for Poppy’s future. To make sure that she’ll always be secure. He bought a nice place about a fifteen-minute drive from Hailey’s and the rest of his money goes in a savings account for his girl.

He’d love to be home more. He regularly looks into alternatives, but then what? He gets a front row view to when Hailey falls in love with someone else?

And he’d have to explain, really explain, to Poppy why he still wouldn’t live with them. He knows that day will eventually come as she gets older but for now, she just seems to accept that he works away and he has a different house. He’s not so sure that would fly were he to be permanently home and how does he explain to her that he let her mom down? That that’s why Mommy and Daddy aren’t married.

God, it’s his greatest failure. And he’s paying the price every day he doesn’t get to be here to see his little girl wake up. To fall asleep beside the woman who will always have his heart

Poppy stirs against him. Her little voice full of sunshine when she sees him. ‘You’re still here, Daddy!’

‘I am. Did you sleep okay?’

‘I did but I’m super warm now,’ she says wriggling free from her covers.

He kisses her cheek. ‘I’m glad you slept well.’

He watches her itch her nose and wipe the sleep from her eyes. ‘I’m hungry, Daddy.’

He chuckles. ‘Let’s fix that. It’s still pretty early so we’ll be quiet so mommy can keep sleeping, okay?’

He grabs her down one of her plastic cups that he’s seen Hailey reach for before and smiles at the fact that it’s unsurprisingly covered in unicorns. He fills it with water and grabs himself a glass too.

‘You want some toast? Cereal?’

‘Daddy eggs,’ Poppy says confidently.

‘Baby, I can’t do Daddy eggs today but we can do them next time you’re at Daddy’s apartment.’

She tilts her head at him and its both amazing and painful how like her mom the gesture is. ‘We got no eggs?’

‘I don’t know, Pops.’

‘Then why can’t we have ‘em?’

‘Because this isn’t my kitchen and I don’t want to wake your mommy up to ask if it’s okay if I use all her stuff.’

He watches his little girl frown like none of what he said makes any sense but she accepts his answer and settles for toast.  The two of them sitting on the floor with the blanket over them after she’s finished eating.

He checks his watch and sees that it’s gone seven. Knows Hailey likes to wake Poppy if she’s still asleep by that point.

‘Hey, do you know if you and Mommy had anything planned for today?’

‘I don’t know. Mommy puts it on da calendar,’ she says easily as she plays with her farm.

He checks. Nothing for today and so he thinks he’s okay to let her sleep a little longer. Gymnastics is marked on for tomorrow morning and he smiles at the stickers showing his planned calls.

It’s about twenty minutes later when Hailey emerges from her bedroom.

‘Morning, baby girl,’ she says coming over to smooth Poppy’s hair and press a kiss to her forehead. ‘Did you sleep okay?’

‘Mmm hmm,’ Poppy nods. ‘Daddy kept me safe from the storm.’

‘That’s good.’ Hailey smiles. ‘I’m just gonna grab some coffee and I’ll be right back.’

Poppy hums in response and continues to play and Jay eases himself up from the floor to follow Hailey into the kitchen and it all suddenly feels awkward now their daughter isn’t here as a buffer.

It’s been years since he’s seen this version of her. Sleep tousled and with those ridiculous woollen socks on that frankly make her legs look unfair.

‘I’m sorry I fell asleep,’ he says. ‘Thank you for letting me stay.’

‘You both looked like you needed it,’ she says then busies herself with the coffee machine.

‘I gave her some toast. I hope that’s okay.’

‘Of course. I didn’t mean to sleep in,’ she says turning back to face him.

‘You probably don’t get to do it much. I was here so…,’ he shrugs. ‘I can stay for a bit if you wanna shower and get ready.’

She bites her lip and for a moment her eyes land on his before they dart away again. Her hands pulling the hem of her sweatshirt down as if only just realising now that her sleep shorts are very short. ‘No, it’s fine. We’ve got it.’

‘Right, yeah. Okay. I’ll just say bye to her.’

The bubble was nice whilst it lasted.

He scoops Poppy up into his arms and presses kisses to her cheeks until she giggles.

‘Love you,’ he says as her little hands trace his jaw. ‘I’ll call tonight.’

‘Okay, Daddy. And we have Daddy eggs?’

He laughs. ‘Not on the phone, baby. But I’ll cook them soon. Promise.’

He sets Poppy back down on her feet and looks over at Hailey one last time where she’s standing watching from the archway into the kitchen.

‘Thank you,’ he says. Means it too.

‘We can sort out a schedule later, if you’re home a while.’

‘Yeah. Should be here for a while now.’

He nods to her and as always, walking out the door feels like leaving a piece of his heart behind.

--------

The building hasn’t changed. Neither has the heavy feeling in her chest as she rides the elevator up to Jay’s floor. It’s been a long time since she’s been here - longer than she wants to admit. They’ve seen each other twice since that night he came home, and even though he lights up around Poppy, the heaviness is still there. She knows him. Even now, after everything. And something’s not right.

He doesn’t normally return from his time away like this.

But she lost him once before to that haunted look in his eyes and she won’t let that happen to Poppy.

She knocks once and the door opens almost immediately. Jay standing the other side in a pair of running shorts and an old Chicago marathon t-shirt.

He’s surprised to see her, that much is obvious.

‘Hailey? Is everything okay?’

She nods. ‘Poppy’s fine. She’s with your brother and Nat. I came to see you.’

His eyes widen but he steps back and lets her in. The place is clean, tidy as she’d expect it to be.  The kitchen is straight ahead of her and the open plan lounge spreads to her right. She can see a toy chest for Poppy under the window at the far side. A toy guitar and a microphone stand propped up against the wall beside it.

He offers her a drink but she tells him she’s fine.

‘Is something wrong?’ he asks and it’s that now ever-present careful tone in his voice that has her saying what’s on her mind because she can’t take it anymore. The tiptoeing. The pleasantries.

‘That’s what I was going to ask you.’ She turns to face him. ‘Jay, what’s going on?’

‘What do you mean? Nothing’s going on.’

‘Don’t do that. Don’t shut down on me. I know you.’

His eyes flash at her use of the present tense but she still thinks it’s true. She might not know which drawer his bottle opener is in anymore, but she knows him.

‘I’ve seen those shadows in your eyes before. I saw them before you left Chicago. I know what they mean.’

‘I’m fine, Hailey. This isn’t that.’

‘You’re not fine.’ Her voice softens. ‘Why haven’t you talked to Will?’

His response comes quick and perhaps sharper than he intended. She gets it. She’s kind of ambushed him out of the blue here. ‘Why are you asking Will about me?’

‘Jay, come on.’

He leans against the back of the couch and lets out a sigh. ‘I don’t know why I haven’t talked to him. I don’t want him to worry. I’ll be alright. Really, I will.’

He says it like a shrug, like it’s not a wall he’s just thrown between them.

She shakes her head. The brothers are closer than ever since they both made the move to the west coast. ‘He would understand.’

Jay’s eyes drop. ‘He wouldn’t.’

And that’s it, she thinks. That’s what it is. As close as they might be, Will hasn’t seen the kind of things that Jay’s seen. Hasn’t done the kind of things he’s done.

‘But I might.’

The words slip from her mouth before she’s really realised what she’s said. They don’t do this. Haven’t for the longest time and yet she’ll help if she can help.

He looks up, startled. Doesn’t speak for a second. ‘Hailey, I don’t…’ he trails off, faltering. ‘I don’t know how to say it and I can’t ask that of you.’

She steps forward. ‘You didn’t ask but I’m here anyway because our daughter worships you. She needs you, Jay and whatever this is, bottling it up never works for you.’

He looks at her for a long time, as if he’s trying to decide whether or not her offer is genuine then his eyes drop to the floor again, like he can’t bear to see her when he says it.

‘There was a mission. Few weeks before I came home.’ He swallows, hard and his fingers push against his eyebrows. ‘We got intel on a weapons cache being run through a village. Real intel. It checked out.’

Hailey doesn’t move. She wasn’t sure that he’d talk to her. The thing that worked between them feels like a distant memory a lot of the time now.

‘There were families there,’ he says. ‘Kids. And they moved us in fast because we’d been tracking these guys for months. We had to go in hard, and we had to go quick but there were too many civilians there. We’d been told different, but we could still make it work. Still keep them as safe as we possibly could whilst securing the weapons and some of the major players in the cartel moving them.’

The room goes quiet except for the low hum of the refrigerator.

‘There was this boy,’ Jay says, voice quieter now. ‘Maybe eight or nine. I - he came out from behind a wall with a damn soccer ball under his arm. He wasn’t supposed to be there.’

He stops. Rubs his palms on his shorts like he can scrub the memory out of his skin.

‘I’d already made the call.’ He swallows again. ‘They opened fire on us and my team fired right back. My guys hadn’t seen him and I couldn’t do anything. I didn’t have enough time to –‘

He breaks off and covers his face with one hand rising to stand and turning away from her.

‘Jay…’

‘I didn’t see him in time. The boy.’ His voice cracks. ‘He died. I should have seen him sooner. Maybe if I’d…’

She moves closer but doesn’t touch him.

‘It was supposed to be clean,’ he mutters. ‘And now I see him every time I close my eyes. I see Poppy in his place and I can’t -,’ He sucks in a breath, struggling. ‘I’m sorry,’ he says lifting his eyes to hers. Pain swimming in them. ‘I’m sorry. I should’ve told you before you let me see Poppy the other night.’

Her stomach knots. ‘What? No. Jay, stop it. Stop that. You’re her dad. A good one. I would never,’ she shakes her head. ‘That’s not what this is about. A horrible, tragic thing happened but that doesn’t change the kind of father you are to her.’

She waits for him to meet her gaze again. ‘You need to talk to someone about this.’

He nods. Takes her by surprise when he tells her that he is. That he’s already been to a session since he got home.

She sighs. ‘I just, I don’t get why you still…’

‘Why what?’

‘Why you’re still doing this,’ she says quietly. ‘This job. Does it make you happy?’

His face shutters. ‘I don’t think it’s about happiness.’

‘Shouldn’t it be, though?’

He hesitates. ‘Does your job make you happy?’

‘Yes.’ It’s been a long time since she could answer that question without hesitation, but she can now. ‘It does. It was the right move for me. I enjoy the work, and it lets me keep regular hours for the most part. It lets me be there for Poppy. This job is better for me.’

‘That’s good,’ Jay says and something softens in his gaze that she doesn’t want to dwell on. ‘I thought you liked it.’

‘I do.’ She takes a breath and pushes forward. ‘Wouldn’t that make you happier than this? Getting to see her more? I’m not trying to start something, Jay. You’re a good dad. I just… I don’t understand this.’

He closes his eyes. ‘Of course it would make me happy. But I’m doing this for her. I don’t have much else going for me anymore besides her. I’m trying to be someone she can be proud of. Someone who helps people and I can’t go back to the force. I’m sure it’s on my record what went down and I make good money and, well, I’m not here to spend it.’

Her voice breaks. Of course he’s making these decisions with Poppy in mind, but she doesn’t need a nest egg from him. She just needs her dad. ‘Jay, she doesn’t need your money.’

‘It’s not just that.’

She rakes a hand through her hair. ‘Then what is it? Please, just - can we be honest with each other? For once.’

He looks up at her and she sees the tiredness there. Not just from his last mission but from how they wound up here. It’s weighing heavy on her right now too.

‘I always thought my being around was hurting you. And I’ve hurt you enough, Hailey.’

His answer knocks the wind out of her. It’s honest. Painfully honest.

‘Jay, I hurt you too.’

He shakes his head. ‘The difference is, I deserved it.’

‘No, you didn’t.’ Her voice trembles despite the firmness of her tone. ‘I should have told you that I was pregnant.’

The silence stretches between them. That fateful what if? It’s always lurking just below the surface.

‘Maybe. But the only reason you didn’t was because of the choices I’d been making. We both know that. I thought… I thought this was for the best.’

Her eyes harden. ‘God, Jay. You can’t put this on me.’

‘I’m not,’ he says quickly. ‘Hailey, that’s not what I mean.’

‘But what if you get hurt?’ she pushes. ‘Or worse. I’m supposed to just be fine with the fact that you’re telling me you do it to make it easier for me? How the hell would that be easier? How would you being gone be better?’

She hears her voice tremble on that last part, but she needs him to hear her. This all feels like too much but also something they should have done a long time ago.

‘That’s not what I -’

‘It doesn’t make it easier, Jay. And if you don’t love your job, you shouldn’t do it.’

 ‘It’s all I know how to do right.’

‘No,’ she says, pointing behind him to a photo frame that holds a gorgeous black and white photo of him and Poppy. She thinks they’re at Will’s house from the background. ‘That’s not true. You know how to be our little girl’s father perfectly.’

He turns to look at it too and it’s then that she sees it and something tightens in her chest. ‘Wait, why do you have this?’

She takes a step closer. It’s a photo of just her and Poppy from a day out at Pike Place Market. Poppy had wanted to send it to him when he was on assignment some time last year.

She normally just sends photos of Poppy, but her girl had asked and who was she to deny her.

He looks at her. ‘You have one of me at your house.’

‘Because you’re away for months,’ she says and this, this doesn’t feel like that.  ‘I want Poppy to feel close to you still when you’re gone. Is that why you have it? For the nights she stays here?’

But the photo isn’t in her room. It’s on the wall in the lounge. For anyone to see.

‘What do you want me to say, Hailey?’

She swallows. ‘We said we’d be honest.’

His eyes hold hers and something about how he’s looking at her tells her what he’s about to say will devastate her.

‘Why do you think? I messed up. I hurt you and I broke the best thing to ever happen to me. But the two of you - you’re still my whole world. You’re still…,’ he trails off, voice shaking. ‘There hasn’t been anyone else. There won’t be. I don’t know how to love without you.’

Silence crashes between them but her heart pounds in her chest. She feels dizzy like the ground’s shifted beneath her.

‘What am I supposed to say to that, Jay?’ she says around the lump in her throat.

‘You’re not supposed to say anything,’ he acknowledges. ‘I know how you feel. I try to respect that, but you asked me to be honest.’

She stares at him. Her breath unsteady. ‘Are you saying you still love me?’

He nods.  Doesn’t hesitate. ‘Yes. Of course. I thought you knew.’

‘I…’ Her voice fails her. She blinks back tears. ‘I think I need to go.’

He nods, resigned. ‘Okay. Thank you for coming to check on me. You didn’t have to.’

She nods already heading for the door.

‘I’ll come by and pick her up tomorrow,’ he tells her quietly. ‘Just let me know a time.’

She nods again but she can’t look at him. Not when she feels like her world’s just tilted on its axis once more.

Chapter Text

Nat opens the door and takes one look at her face and Hailey knows she must look a state. Truthfully, when she’d pulled up on the driveway behind Will’s SUV, she had to sit for a few moments because she couldn’t really remember making the drive over from Jay’s.

How was she supposed to when he’s just pulled the rug from under her feet?

He loves her. He told her he’s always been in love with her, and she has no idea what to do with that knowledge because now nothing about the last four years makes any sense.

‘You okay?’ Nat says. ‘You look like you’ve seen a ghost.’

Hailey’s lip trembles and she looks up at the ceiling as she steps inside willing the brewing tears to stay put and then the words come tumbling out. Nat might be Jay’s sister-in-law, but she and Will are also pretty much the closest friends Hailey has in Seattle.

‘He said he still loves me.’

Natalie reaches out and takes her hand. Squeezes it in support.

‘We thought you knew,’ Nat tells her gently.

‘That’s what he said,’ Hailey breathes out on a watery laugh because if she doesn’t laugh, she’ll cry. Again. She’s cried enough tears for Jay. And she can’t cry now because her daughter is here.

Is this just a fact that everyone knew but her?

How had she not seen it? But why would she have. He left her and signed the divorce papers and he’s never said anything to that effect since.

Nat tilts her head at her. Soft understanding in her eyes like she knows what Hailey will say before she even asks the question. ‘Do you know how you feel?’

Hailey nods and damn it if a tear doesn’t fall. She does know, of course she knows, but she doesn’t know how to trust herself with him anymore.

This certainly wasn’t where she thought her evening was going. She’d just wanted to make sure he was okay. That he wasn’t about to spiral when their girl relies on him.

 ‘What do I do, Nat?’

She trusts Natalie. They always got on back in Chicago but the two of them have grown close since Hailey took Will up on his offer to follow him out to Seattle. He’d been right, they’d both needed it for very different reasons.

‘Are you happy?’ Nat asks softly. ‘I know you love Poppy. I know being her mom makes you happy. But are you happy?’

No is the simple answer.

And there’s more to it than that. Of course there is. She’s content with her lot but she’s not happy like she used to be even though her daughter brings her more joy and purpose than she ever could have imagined. Poppy will always be enough - Hailey never wants her to feel anything but that - but there’s also a gap in her life that she never imagined would be there when she and Jay first got together. When he promised her that he wasn’t going anywhere.

And she believed him.

‘I get it,’ Nat says reading her expression. ‘Will and I… well, it’s not the same but we hurt each other too. We needed time. And then we found our way back.’

Hailey wipes the tear from her cheek. Is that what they’ve been doing these past few years? Riding it out until they could start to find their way back to one another because she never thought that was on the cards for them.

‘Bar tonight,’ Nat asks, ‘when’s the last time you spent time together? Just the two of you?’

‘We haven’t. We don’t.’

‘Then start there when you’re ready. Lunch. A walk – if that’s what you want. Sit together while Poppy’s at gym class now that he’s home or when the girls are swimming. Talk about the easy stuff first. The hard conversations will come if you’re both willing to have them.’

‘Thanks, Nat,’ she says, voice raw because she doesn’t think she’s got any more to say tonight. Her head is swimming and try as she might, her heartrate won’t seem to come down.

He loves her.

Damn him.

Will walks out into the hallway with a stuffed animal under one arm, sees her face and pauses. Fear written across his face for whatever might be going on with his brother.

‘No, he’ll be okay, Will. It’s not that,’ she says.

Will takes in her expression. Reads her like a book. ‘Can I give you a hug?’

She nods and he hugs her tight. He always has.

She’s so glad she came to Seattle. Chicago didn’t feel like home anymore and the city was bringing her down. She’d seen too much darkness there. Too many painful memories at every turn.

And she’d wondered if it would make everything harder being closer to Jay’s family, but it hasn’t. It’s better. So much better. She’s so glad Poppy gets to see her cousins all the time. That she has an aunt and an uncle who love her. Who love spending time with her.

That Hailey gets to be an aunt  herself in a manner of speaking.

‘Maybe check on your brother,’ Hailey says as she pulls away and takes a breath. Puts her game face back on ready to collect her girl.

Will presses a kiss to her temple. ‘I will.’

--------

The city blurs around him as his feet hit the pavement. The rhythm of his breath fills his ears between the thump of his shoes and the dull sound of his playlist, which, honestly, he barely hears anymore.

He’s been doing this every night since he got back. Since the nightmares started about what happened overseas. And then tonight, God he doesn’t know if he’s just made things better or worse between them.

He really thought she knew but from the evident shock on her face, he’d been wrong. Again.

His AirPods click softly in his ears as the music fades and an automated voice cuts through.

‘An incoming call from: Will. Do you want to answer?.’

Jay reaches up and taps his AirPod. ‘Hey.’

‘Hey,’ his brother says. ‘You sound out of breath.’

‘I’m out for a run.’

‘Figures.’

Jay slows to a walk, dragging in a breath like it might help level his heart.

‘She okay?’ he asks.

Will doesn’t need him to clarify who. ‘She asked me to check in on you. Figured you two had a tough chat.’

Jay huffs a humourless breath. ‘Yeah, something like that. I told her I still love her.’

There’s a pause on the other end of the line.

‘Okay. Wow. I mean, holy shit. About time but also - yeah, that’s a lot. Where are you?’

‘Corner of Kenwood and McKinley.’

‘Oh, that’s like two miles from here. See you soon, action man.’

Jay doesn’t have time to answer before the call cuts.

He rolls his eyes and mutters, Idiot, but he starts up running again taking the turn he needs to head in the direction of his brother’s house.

And he finds Will sat out on the porch waiting for him when he gets there. There’s no sense in not talking about it when he’s already told his brother part of it anyway. He doesn’t share what happened overseas, just that he talked to Hailey about it. That he’s already talking to a professional about it and that he’ll continue to do so until he knows his head’s on straight about it

‘Okay, that’s good,’ Will says beside him. ‘And look, her point about the army? Valid. You don’t need to pay penance, Jay, or work off the hurt you caused her. That’s not how this works.’

Jay glances sideways at him. ‘I know… or at least now I do. I just -,’ he blows out a heavy breath. ‘I can’t explain it. It felt like that was all I had left that I was good at. I ruined everything and I didn’t know what to do, but I could do that. I could provide for them both. Make sure Poppy would always be secure and I know Hailey’s independent but her too if she ever needed it.’

‘And Poppy will be just fine. Now and in the future,’ Will says, ‘but, Jay, there are other jobs. You don’t have to get shot at for a living if you don’t want to.’

He barks out a bitter laugh at his brother’s turn of phrase.

‘You know you’ve been getting shot at for more than half your life, right?’ Will says shaking his head at him. ‘That’s a weird-ass statistic to own, little brother.’

Jay lifts his cap off his head and runs a hand through his hair before turning the cap over and over in his hands. ‘I guess it is.’

He doesn’t say it out loud, but it hits him in the gut - it’s all he’s ever known. And what does that say about him? That maybe at forty he doesn’t know who he is outside of uniform and blood and orders.

Will nudges him with his elbow bringing his wandering mind back to the present. ‘And the second part? Telling her you still love her? Well, you can’t take that back now you’ve said it. And don’t try to.’

Jay sighs, staring down the empty sidewalk. ‘She’s never going to -’

‘Stop,’ his brother interrupts. ‘Just answer this - do you want her back? If it were possible, if you two could find a way through all of this, is that what you’d want? To be here? Be together?’

‘Yes.’

Of course it’s a yes. It’s Hailey.

‘Then don’t apologise for what you said, okay?’ Will says. ‘I know you, Jay. You’ll say sorry, and all it’ll do is make her question whether you meant it. Be there for her. Be the man she loved. Earn her trust back and for once, just stop punishing yourself for not being perfect and be honest about what you want.’

Jay sets his cap down on the porch step and leans back on his hands. It sounds simple when it’s said like that but it’s anything but.

‘Fight for her. And for the life you want,’ Will continues. ‘Because you’re not doing that. You’re stuck in some sort of limbo watching one another grow older from afar but maybe you don’t have to because she’s right here, Jay. And you still matter to her.’

He doesn’t respond right away. Looks up, breathes in the night air. This really wasn’t how he thought his evening was going to unfold.

‘That was a good speech,’ Will says after a beat, grinning. ‘Right?’

Jay huffs a soft laugh. ‘Yeah. Yeah, it was.’

His brother claps him on the back. ‘Come on. Let’s get a beer. I’ll drop your sweaty ass home after.’

--------

She’s an adult.

Not for the first time in the last fifteen minutes, she reminds herself of that fact. She’s an adult and she really shouldn’t be overthinking a simple text message as much as she is but her heart skips a beat staring down at the message typed out on her screen anyway.

She reads it twice before hitting send. Nat’s voice is in her head reminding her to start small. To spend some time together, just the two of them but she’s not there yet. Not just the two of them.

It’s been almost a week since he told her that he still loved her, that he’s always loved her, and it’s a lot to process. It’s a lot to process when they’re divorced and co-parenting and when he broke her heart. It’s a lot to process when she broke his and when she had no idea that he still felt that way because he never said anything.

All this time and he never said a damn thing.

And she’s angry about that but it’s also a part of Jay that she recognises. The part of him that’s self-sacrificing to a fault, the part of him that held back from telling her how he felt for years back when they were partners.

And so, she can’t do it yet. Can’t spend time just the two of them when she’s not ready to deal with any of it: his feelings, her feelings, all the things they should have talked about since he left Chicago and never did.

But this, a dinner invite with their girl, this feels like a step she can take, and she knows it will make her daughter’s day and, well, that’s always worth it.

His reply comes quick.

God, there was a time where their usual time for eating dinner was at about half eight after long days at work but life with a child soon changes that.

She lets out a breath she didn’t realise she was holding and tells her girl that her dad is going to meet them for dinner. And yeah, the fact that the idea is met with an adorably goofy happy dance makes Hailey feel better about her decision.

He’s already there when she and Poppy cross the street toward the little Italian restaurant, hand tucked into her own as they cross the street, but the moment Poppy sets foot back on the sidewalk she’s off like a shot.

‘Daddy!’

Jay drops into a crouch just in time to catch her as she barrels into him, wrapping herself tightly around him. He grins, lifting her easily in his arms, eyes flicking up to meet Hailey’s as he does.

They’re not about to talk about last week in the company of their three-year-old but there’s something being said anyway in her asking him to come. She knows that as well as he does.

‘Hi,’ he says.

She gives a soft smile, a nod. ‘Hi.’

Poppy’s already mid-story by the time Jay sets her down again, chattering about her day and the frog someone in her class brought for show-and-tell, and the glitter spill during art that went in Miss Langer’s hair, and how her teacher laughed even though she says, ‘glitter is her enemy.’

Hailey hangs back slightly, letting them lead the way. She watches how Jay listens, really listens, asking the kind of questions that pull even more out of their daughter. The things Hailey usually has to coax out one piece at a time come tumbling out for him like it’s easy.

And dinner is good. Better than she expected.

They’re seated by the windows, and it oddly helps watching other people go about their business outside. Poppy orders spaghetti with meatballs the size of her fists and Hailey spends most of the time chopping noodles and wiping sauce from her girl’s cheeks.

Jay leans back slightly in his chair after finishing his lasagne and turns to her with a smile. ‘You miss deep dish?’ he asks as a round of pizzas are set down on the table to their left.

She laughs, caught off guard. ‘Not the calories, but yeah. Sometimes.’

Poppy stares between them, equal parts confused and entertained by her mom and dad just being with her for dinner. ‘What’s a deep dish?’

‘Thick pizza,’ Hailey says, gesturing with her hands. ‘Really thick pizza from Chicago.’

‘Can we have it one day?’ Poppy asks.

‘Sure,’ Hailey says, before she can think twice. And maybe she means it. Chicago became heartbreak and endings in her mind, but maybe, with Poppy, it could be something else. She doesn’t hate the idea of showing her daughter where she came from even if that place is layered in both warmth and pain.

After dinner, Jay walks them back to the car. It’s still light out, but the sun’s sinking down on the horizon casting long shadows on the sidewalk. They pass a small playground tucked behind the restaurant and, of course, Poppy can’t resist the swings.

‘Swing me higher, Daddy!’ she shouts as he lifts her up.

‘Oh, higher, you say?’ Jay teases, starting to push. ‘We’ll see about that.’

Poppy’s laughter rings through the air, bright and wild and full of everything good. Hailey stops beside the swings, folding her arms loosely as she watches them. Jay’s face is lit up in a way she doesn’t see often anymore.

And she doesn’t really know, not for sure, but she has a feeling that Poppy might be the only one left who can make him laugh like that.

They stay for twenty minutes or so until Jay scoops Poppy up into his arms from at the bottom of the slide and carries her on his hip the last block to the car. Hailey opens the back door, buckling their daughter in as Jay hovers a little awkwardly beside them.

They don’t really do this. Spend time the three of them. If Jay’s home they make sure to do so over the holidays, for Poppy’s birthday and other celebrations but they don’t do it just because and she’s kicking herself a little bit right now because her daughter has been so happy all evening.

Jay leans down, brushing a kiss to Poppy’s forehead.

‘Love you, Poppy girl.’

‘Love you, Daddy,’ she hums, already half-asleep, head tilting to the side.

Jay straightens up and meets Hailey’s eyes.

‘Thanks for inviting me tonight.’

She nods, keeping her voice light. Shoves her hands in the back pocket of her jeans ‘Poppy’s loved it.’

But his eyes don’t move from hers. ‘I have too.’

Something catches in her chest, tight and unsure. She doesn’t quite know how to respond.

‘Drive safe,’ he adds quietly, and steps back from the door.

She closes it gently, watching him in the rearview mirror as she pulls away.

--------

The paper bag in her hand feels heavier than it should but she knocks before she can talk herself out of it.

Just lunch, she tells herself. That’s all it is. Only it’s not quite. It’s lunch between two people who used to know everything about each other. Lunch between two people who haven’t been alone together for years now.

But dinner last week had gone well, and she knows if she puts this off any longer, she’ll chicken out of it entirely. And he’s been on her mind non-stop since the last time she was here. She has so many questions.

She’s just not sure she’s all that ready to hear the answers yet. Or ready for what might come next.

The door opens a beat later.

‘Hey,’ she says, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear.

‘Hi.’ His brow furrows slightly. Surprise on his face just as he was last time she showed up out of the blue. ‘Is everything okay?’

‘Yeah,’ she says quickly, then lifts the bag. ‘I… lunch? I brought lunch, if you haven’t eaten.’

A flicker of something - disbelief, maybe even hope - passes over his face. ‘Yeah? That’d be good. Come in.’

She steps inside and she lets herself take in his place a little more than she did the last time she came here. Something about it is familiar in the way that makes something ache quietly inside her. His boots by the door. Poppy’s sneakers next to them. It somehow feels a little like the apartment he had when he first met her and then the home they’d shared together.

She remembers coming here once when Poppy was around eighteen months old and he’d called her to say she had a fever that over-the-counter meds didn’t seem to be bringing down and that Will was on his way to come and take a look at her. Hailey had been out the door in a shot to come and check on her for herself and Jay had it handled but she’s her mom. She’s her mom and she’ll always worry but she’d been too worried that night to really take in his place.

He must notice her looking around and gestures down the short hallway off the kitchen.

‘Bathroom’s there. Poppy’s room is opposite. Though I’m in the middle of taking down her cot bed so it’s a bit of a mess, but feel free to have a look.’

‘You sure? I’m just… curious, I guess. This is where my girl sleeps.’ She shrugs, not quite sure what else to say, but she sees in his gaze that he understands.

‘Go ahead.’

She walks across the living space to the door he’d mentioned. Can’t help but smile at the sea of bath toys hanging up to dry that she sees in the bathroom opposite Poppy’s door.

‘Jay,’ she breathes, as she steps inside.

Even with the dismantled cot-bed parts stacked in one corner, the room is stunning. One whole wall has been transformed into a hand-painted mural: a woodland scene in soft pinks and greens, dappled with fairies, owls tucked into trees, and wildflowers surrounding a unicorn standing tall in a muted mauve hue.

‘This is beautiful.’

Jay’s leaning against the doorframe behind her, arms crossed. ‘Yeah. She loves it.’

‘Don’t you rent this place?’ she asks him.

He shrugs, offering that half-smile she used to know better than her own name. ‘Might take me a few cans of paint if I ever move or when she grows out of it. Worth it, though.’

She turns back toward the mural, then spots the tiny gallery wall next to the space left behind by her cot bed - photos of Jay and Poppy, and her cousins and of crayon drawings carefully pinned between frames.

Even with the room in disarray, she can see how much care has gone into this room. How much love.

And this is who he is. They hurt one another and let one another down in ways they never could have comprehended.

But he’s also this man.

A good father. One who she knows will have spent hours researching local artists to find the right one. One who’s standing here letting her see it even when it feels like a window into who he really is that he doesn’t let many people see.

‘Lunch smells good,’ he says softly pulling her mind back to the fact that she’s just showed up unannounced.

‘Oh, yeah. I got it from a place up on Greenwood, you know the one with the Norse god on their sign. His hair makes Poppy giggle whenever we’ve been there.’

‘I haven’t been.’

‘Seriously? They do a hell of a sandwich. You’d love it. Got you a roast beef. Hope that’s okay.’

He smiles, walking ahead of her to the lounge. ‘It’s great - thank you.’

He grabs them both some water and drops into the chair, so she takes the couch.

There’s a breath of hesitation before they unwrap their sandwiches. She expects the awkwardness, and she’s not wrong. They eat in silence for a few minutes, watching each other over bites and shared glances, both a little too careful, like they’re afraid to speak first in case it shifts the balance of the moment.

Jay takes another bite, then leans back telling her she was right. That the sandwich is good.

‘I seriously can’t believe you haven’t been there before.’

‘I’ll be going again now,’ he says, pulling a napkin from the bag. ‘What’d you get? Turkey and avocado?

‘Why mess with a classic?’

Jay’s eyes glint with something warm. ‘A classic in your eyes.’

She looks away, heart picking up a beat. That smile. The way his voice softens like it always used to when they weren’t saying the hard things. The intimacy of it hums under her skin.

Then the quiet returns, and Jay takes his time with the next bite like he’s turning something over in his mind.

‘You can ask,’ she tells him and fights the urge to curl her leg up beneath her. It’s not her home.

He sets his sandwich down, fingers tightening around the edge of the napkin. ‘This is really nice, Hailey but I’m a little surprised, I guess.’

‘We said we’d be honest, right?’ she says. Feels her heartbeat pick up once more. ‘I think I surprised myself a bit too, but Nat said something to me a couple of weeks back. Asked when the last time we spent time together, just the two of us, was and I realised it was –‘

‘The day I left,’ he finishes for her.

She nods. And for a long time she thought that would be the last time they spent together, period.

And then he went and told her that he’s been in love with her this whole time. That he doesn’t know how to love without her and perhaps against her better judgement, things are starting to shift within her.

‘Yeah,’ she murmurs. ‘And I don’t know, I don’t want that to be the memory of us that I have. Of me and you.’

She’s not sure she wants them to be a memory at all but that’s something she’s not quite ready to wade into just yet.

She watches him process her words and he takes a sip of his drink before he chooses how to respond.

‘Okay,’ he says quietly. ‘Would it be okay if I bring you lunch one day too? Or was this a one-off?’

She meets his gaze, feels the push-pull of emotion rise and fall inside her like a tide. He looks uncertain and she gets it. They were married. They’d mapped every inch of one another’s skin. But after everything that’s come between them, spending time together alone, more than once, feels like wading into unchartered waters.

And lunch is simple. Casual. But the moment doesn’t feel simple. It feels huge.

She catches sight of that damn photo again of her and Poppy on his wall and tells herself she can do this.

‘I think that would be okay.’

--------

She doesn’t expect much when Friday rolls around. She’s told herself not to hope. Not because she wants to keep score, but because hoping feels dangerous lately.

She told herself it didn’t matter when Jay didn’t swing by the day after she brought lunch. Or the day after that. She told herself it was probably better that way - easier to keep things in balance – and it possibly would have been kind of wild for him to come the following day anyway.

Still, there’s a part of her that’s kept glancing at the clock around noon each day. A part of her that’s kept checking her phone.

It’s a part of her she feels pretty frustrated with right now.

He’s called every night this week as he normally does when he’s home to speak to Poppy before bed. To let her chatter about daycare and unicorn stickers and storybooks. Hailey smiles through the titbits of their conversations she can glean. Grateful, always, for how constant he is with their daughter. That matters more than anything.

But when her phone lights up mid-morning on Friday, her heart kicks a little harder than it should.

She stares for a beat before replying.

She finds him waiting out front when she steps outside a few minutes before one. One hand tucked in the pocket of his jacket. It’s not one she recognises and it’s always a little jarring when things like that happen. Small, inconsequential things she once would have known about. Wonders if it’s the same for him.

He’s got a backpack slung over one shoulder and she wonders where he’s picked up lunch from.

‘I know it’s not that warm, but we could eat in the park if you want?’ he says. Smile a little hesitant.

‘The park sounds good.’

He notes how she wraps her arms around her middle. A little from the slight chill to the air. Moreso because the two of them being alone together like this makes her feel jittery.

‘I have a hoodie in the car if you need it,’ he offers.

She shakes her head with a smile. ‘I’m good.’

She can’t do that. Can’t be wrapped up in his scent. Can’t have the weight of that on her skin.

He must read between the lines because he doesn’t fight her on it. Just gestures toward the park with a quiet, ‘C’mon.’

The air’s crisp but not unbearable. The kind of overcast Seattle day that makes everything feel slightly muted. They find a bench not far from one of the playgrounds Poppy likes and sit, a foot of space between them that somehow feels like both too far and just close enough and that’s when she realises he hasn’t picked up lunch at all. He’s made it.

He’s taking out Tupperware boxes from the backpack. Hands one to her and puts one down for himself. Sets another in the middle of them and eases off the lid.

She opens the container on her lap and blinks.

‘Jay, this looks really good.’

He shrugs, rubbing the back of his neck. ‘So… honesty, right? I wanted to come by the next day, but I didn’t know if that was too much. And then I tried three places to find the right Greek food and they just… weren’t right. I knew you wouldn’t be happy with it.’

She pauses, glancing at him. He’s a little nervous too then. ‘You tried three places?’

‘Yeah,’ he mutters, almost sheepish. ‘I’ve had enough pastitsio for one week. Anyway, didn’t work out, so I made lunch instead. I dunno, you used to like it.’

‘It’s great, Jay. Really.’

She takes a bite and lets herself sit with it for a moment. The warmth of the food, the effort he put in, the fact that no one has made a packed lunch for her since, well, him.

A memory sneaks in. The two of them in their old kitchen, Jay chopping bell peppers for dinner while she stole slices perched on the counter. Him nudging her further down away from the food with a soft laugh and pressing a kiss to her temple like it was the most natural thing in the world.

She shakes it off. Focuses on the now. On the container in her lap and the man next to her who’s put more thought into this than she might have imagined. A man that feels familiar in ways that are both comforting and kind of terrifying.

Jay’s always been like this. Words were never his strongest currency, but he’s fluent in showing up. In small, thoughtful gestures. In service. He always has been.

Or he always was like that. She’s not sure what tense to use now.

It started with coffee on her desk back when they were partners. Evolved into nights at a bar or at her place with a whiskey in hand when cases got too dark. Then into living out of a bag without complaint for months when they first got together.

And she’s starting to realise that it also came in letting her go. In signing those papers. She’d asked him to do it, told him it was what she needed, that she’d be better off, but she wishes he hadn’t been so noble when it wasn’t how he felt. They’ll have to pick at those scars sometime soon. She knows this.

Some of it hurts to think about. But this right here, this is part of him that never really changed. She’s seen it in the kind of father he is to their little girl.

‘I can drop Poppy off to you later,’ she says quietly. Jay’s due to have her until Sunday morning.

‘I don’t mind coming to get her.’

‘No. You always do and it’s not fair. It’s just a habit we fell into. I’ll bring her to you.’

He nods. ‘Okay. Thanks. How’s your day going?’

‘Yeah, okay. Think we’re finally getting somewhere with this case.’

‘Oh yeah? That’s good.’

‘Yeah, a CI actually came through with the goods. Led us down the right path.’

‘But were they on time? That’s the real question.’

She laughs, surprising herself.

‘You were always so good at the intel,’ he tells her and there’s something like pride in his eyes.

‘Thanks. I used to lose myself in it too much though, I think. The way they do things here, it helps me keep perspective. And Poppy does too of course.’

‘That’s good then. That’s really good, Hailey.’

‘Do you still have to do it?’

Truthfully, she knows very little about his work. She knows when he leaves and when he returns, knows when he can call to speak to Poppy and most of the time she knows he’s working in South America but that’s not always the case. Beyond that, it’s mostly a mystery to her.

‘A little. More strategy-based stuff now. Like what to do with the intel.’

‘Well, I can see why that suits you. The team - Intelligence - we missed that after you left. I’d learned a lot from you by then, everyone had, but it wasn’t the same.’

She glances over at him and he seems as caught off guard by the conversation’s shift in direction.

‘Wasn’t expecting the conversation to take that turn and I’m the one who said it,’ she admits.

They’ve both studiously avoided talking about before these past few years.

He shrugs telling her it’s okay. Finishes the last bite of his lunch. ‘Do you still talk to any of them?’

‘Platt checks in sometimes. Kim and I trade photos of the girls now and then. Kev calls around the holidays. I kind of shut down that last year, though, shut myself off, so I didn’t expect anything.’

‘I’m sorry,’ he says softly. ‘I know I’m the reason you did that.’

She shakes her head but doesn’t deny it.

‘You hear from any of them?’ she asks.

‘No,’ he says, ‘but I burned those bridges. And looking back, I mean, I would’ve done anything for them and them for me, but I don’t know if I was close with any of them, really. Erin left. Al was gone. Antonio too. They were the people I was close with once upon a time and it was only ever you that I really let my guard down around anyway.’

She swallows hard. More of that honesty.

‘What about your unit now?’

‘There’re some good guys, but it’s different when you’re the boss, I guess.’

In another life, he’d be running Intelligence. They both know it. She lets herself think about that for a second - how different things could’ve been. What paths they might’ve taken if life hadn’t carved them in separate directions.

It’s too dangerous a path to let her thoughts wander down on her lunch break.

‘I should probably head back,’ she says, glancing at the time.

‘Of course.’

She stands and gathers her things and he does the same putting their Tupperware back into his backpack before he stands too. He makes no move to follow, knows better than to push though she also knows he’d want to walk her back to work if she let him.

‘Thanks for lunch, Jay,’ she says, soft but sincere. ‘I’ll see you later.’

That’s what worked between them, after all.

Showing up.

--------

He misses her.

He always misses her but it hits him in certain moments - quiet, unguarded moments like now, when the door clicks shut behind Hailey and he’s standing in his entryway with their daughter’s jacket still in his hand.

He lingers by the door longer than he should because he’d wanted to ask her to stay. Wanted to offer dinner, offer something because he knows what it’s like to drop Poppy off and return home to an empty apartment and he doesn’t want that for.

But he didn’t say anything bar that he’d call tomorrow so Poppy could chat to her before bed and that he’d drop her back on Sunday morning.

Because he knows her. Knows the way she moves slowly when her heart’s been bruised. Knows that whatever is shifting between them is fragile.

And he’ll be damned if he’s the one to rush it and send the whole thing crashing down but he also needs her to know that he’ll show up. That she’s always on his mind. That he not only meant it when he told her he loves her, but that he’ll prove it.

Even if he can’t have her back in his life like that, the thought of getting to be friendly again feels like everything. Eating lunch with her twice this past week sits right up there with some of his favourite memories and he can’t believe he’d ever resigned himself to not fight for her.

But he’s not sure what her feelings are and he can’t blame her. He broke her trust when she needed him the most. But God, getting to see glimpses of the real Hailey again a little these past couple of weeks feels like a gift.

Getting to see her and not just the woman he co-parents with. Not just the woman he left behind. But her - the sharp, funny, determined woman he once built a life with. The one whose smile still makes his chest tighten.

He hears Poppy’s voice calling to him from the lounge and so he breathes through the ache and turns toward the living room.

She’s cross-legged on the floor, crayons scattered around her like confetti already. Her little brow furrowed in concentration as she colours in a sun with wide, exaggerated rays. He hangs her jacket up and walks over, sitting down beside her.

‘Daddy, you like my picture?’ she asks without looking up, her voice bubbling with pride.

‘I do like it,’ he says, scooping her into his lap before she can protest. ‘In fact…,’he holds the paper up before them, ‘I think this one needs to go in a frame.’

‘S’not finished yet, Daddy!’ she giggles, wriggling out of his grip to add more detail.

He smiles and shifts back to give her space. It’s only when he looks closer that he notices the shape forming beside the crudely drawn stick figures of him and Poppy.

Longer hair. A different colour shirt. The same warm smile she always draws on every face.

‘That’s you and me and Mommy,’ she announces, circling the three of them with a pink crayon.

‘I see that,’ Jay says softly, clearing his throat. ‘Where are we going?’

‘We’re on vacation, Daddy. We’re going to the beach.’ She grins like it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

And that’s why he’ll be patient because it’s not only his heart on the line. Not just Hailey’s either. Their little girl comes first. Always.

He leans back on his hands and watches her fill in the water with big, looping blue swirls. His heart aching in a way that’s warm and hopeful and terrifying all at once. Maybe, just maybe, it could be them someday. The three of them on a trip in whatever way it works.

And the pieces aren’t in place yet. He’s not naïve enough to believe they’re there. But something is shifting between them and he hopes like hell what’s on the other side is better than the careful pleasantries of the last few years.

He vows to himself and the girl sitting beside him that if he’s given a chance he’s not going to mess it up.

Not this time.

--------

Her mind keeps drifting back to him.

It’s been happening more and more - slipping through the cracks of her concentration when she’s making coffee in the morning, brushing her teeth at night.  The weight of him in her thoughts is unfamiliar in this way. Familiar in others.

She’s kept him at arm’s length for so long now. Protected herself like it was instinct, like it was survival. And maybe it was. But these past few weeks, seeing more of him, talking to him, sharing little things again, she can’t deny that it’s been good. Terrifying. Uneasy. But good.

She needs to talk to her therapist.

Now, as she stands by the side of her car and watches him help Poppy hop out of his truck, animatedly telling him something about the gymnastics ribbon she’s going to earn soon, Hailey feels the thought rise in her chest before she can stop it.

She could ask him to come. To come and watch Poppy’s gymnastics lesson with her.

It’s right there on the tip of her tongue. Just a simple, ‘Hey, do you want to come to class?’

But she swallows it. Not today. Maybe next weekend. Baby steps.

‘Thanks for dropping her,’ she says instead, offering him a soft smile.

‘Anytime,’ he replies as Poppy snuggles into Hailey’s legs.

They exchange a quiet look, and for a second she swears the air shifts. It’s the kind of look they used to share across a room, and it leaves her a little speechless.

‘We should get going,’ she says a beat later, ‘or we’ll be late.’

She watches him say goodbye to Poppy and then he stands and smiles at her a little hesitantly. ‘Maybe we could do lunch again this week one day?’

‘Yeah, I reckon I can find a day.’

His smile widens slightly. ‘Okay. Okay, good.’

She’s distracted as she watches Poppy roll her way across the gym mats a half hour later. This time not to what was, but to what hasn’t been said.

They’ve never really talked about it. Not properly. Not about the breaking point, not about the manner in which he rejoined the army, not about what it did to her to wake up one morning and realise she didn’t recognise the man she loved anymore.

Not because he’d changed entirely, but because he’d stopped letting her see him. It was a choice and that was what hurt the most.

They both put Poppy first – always - but never in a manner in which they’ve tried to be in competition with one another as some separated parents do. That’s never been an issue between them, and their daughter is thriving. She’s kind and smart and curious and knows she’s loved unconditionally.

And maybe that’s why they’ve both let everything else lie dormant. They created something beautiful and convinced themselves that was enough. That being good parents made up for their broken marriage.

But it doesn’t. Not really.

The hurt’s still there. Tucked into corners of her chest she’s been avoiding for years. She’s done such a good job of numbing it, pushing it down in favour of routine, of peace, of civility. But lately, it’s been stirring again.

It’s not as sharp as it used to be but there’s a growing need to understand what really happened. Why he left. How he could’ve, when he was everything. When they were.

Because Jay wasn’t selfish. He wasn’t careless. He was the man who’d always shown up. Who’d learned how she liked her coffee and made it that way even when they were upset with one another. Who stood between her and danger without hesitation. Who made her laugh when she’d had the worst day and walked through it beside her.

He wasn’t the kind of man who just walked away.

But he had.

And she deserves to know why. To ask the questions she’s buried under years of silence in the name of keeping the peace. She’s not angry anymore. Not really. She’s just tired of not knowing.

And if they’re ever going to move forward, whether that’s as co-parents, as friends, or as something else, then the past needs to stop being a locked door between them.

She thinks about their shared lunch together in the park. About the way he looked at her, like he still knew her, like he’s missed knowing her as much as she’s missed him and it had made her pulse race.

Because the truth, the one she’s never admitted to herself - she doesn’t know how to do love without him either.

And maybe - just maybe - she doesn’t want to.

Chapter Text

He tried three Greek places and knew she wouldn’t be happy with the food. He has a framed photograph of her on the wall in his lounge.

He loves her. Has always loved her.

And he never fucking said.

And tonight… tonight, she feels angry about it.

Angry enough that if their little girl weren’t asleep in her room, she’d be driving over to his apartment and pounding on his door.

She’s not let herself feel like this for the longest time and it will pass, she knows it will, but it hurts. It hurts because she wonders if his plan was just to never say. To leave them both stuck in this limbo forever.

Because she can’t kid herself anymore. She hasn’t moved on. Never had any intention of doing so because Jay was it for her. The one time she thought she might have the kind of life that seemed like a pipe dream growing up. A fantasy that simply wasn’t for people like her.

And then he left and it felt like the taste of that life he’d offered left too.

But he told her that he still loves her. He loves her and now she knows it, she can see it. She can see it and it hurts because she thinks it was there all along and if that’s the case, what the fuck have they been doing all this time?

She picks up her phone out of frustration and hits call. He answers on the third ring and as always, asks if everything is okay and that annoys her too because everything is absolutely not okay.

‘We need to talk, Jay.’

‘Okay.’

‘I mean really talk. About us.’

‘Yeah, I know.’ He’s quiet for a beat. ‘You want to talk now?’

‘No, I, it should be in person and…’

She’s too cross right now. She knows it. Thinks he probably does too.

‘Tomorrow? I can come to you.’

‘Yeah, we can do tomorrow.’

She hangs up after saying bye and throws her phone down on the couch before massaging her temples.

Life was simpler a month ago. They were divorced and they co-parented. They did it well too and now everything just feels like a mess.

--------

Despite it being her request to talk, it’s had her on edge all day. He’d told her when he’d stopped by the FBI offices again with lunch this week that he was still talking to a therapist about what had happened on his last assignment. That he needed her to know he wouldn’t let anything stop him from being present for Poppy when he’s home.

She believes him. He’s never let their daughter down or her down when it comes to Poppy.

And she’d told him she was glad that he was talking to someone and then surprised herself by telling him that she was talking to someone too which she thinks is probably really healthy for both of them. But the person they possibly really need to speak to is one another because though they’ve seen one another more, it’s all been surface level conversation.

They’ve skirted around the ones that will hurt.

She’d thought about dropping Poppy off at Will and Nat’s earlier today, but something about that hadn’t sat quite right. Not because they aren’t family – they are - but because Will is Jay’s brother, and it felt like ultimately like a call Jay should make as to how much he wants his brother to know about what’s currently going on between them.

Turns out, she didn’t have to say a word. They were on the same wavelength. Something that keeps happening lately and he’d offered to take Poppy over himself. Told her they were going to make a thing of it if that was okay with her and that he’d head over there after they’d talked. He and Will would have a slumber party with the girls. Pancakes in the morning.

It sounds nice.

It sounds like something she’d rather be a part of than on the periphery of.

And it’s not like she thought they’d be yelling at one another tonight. Neither of them would ever do that around Poppy and truthfully, she’s not a yeller. Not after how she grew up and Jay knows that.

She knows he’d never speak to her like that. Him leaving as he did and then disappearing on her like he did unsettled many things she thought she knew about him to her core, but never the absolute faith she still has that he would never make her feel like she needed to fear him.

She looks at him now. Sitting at the far end of her sectional in a sweatshirt and jeans. The quiet between them somehow both fragile and heavy.

He’d told her he didn’t know where to start. That he’d be honest. That he wished he’d tried to have these conversations sooner. That he should have.

The sigh that leaves her is heavy.

‘Maybe you’re right’ she shrugs. ‘But I was angry for a really long time, Jay.’ She huffs out a bitter laugh. ‘I was angry yesterday when I phoned you but, honestly? I don’t think we were ready to have them before,’ she admits quietly, fingers threaded tightly in her lap.

That’s the reality that was clear to her in the cold light of day. She could have pushed to talk to him too and she chose not to. She’s equally at fault for that.

‘You had every right to be angry,’ he says, and his voice cracks just enough to make her chest tighten. ‘Then and now. I thought the least I could do was let you hate me, but I should’ve laid it all out instead of -’

‘Instead of what?’ she asks, even though part of her already knows.

‘Punishing myself. I didn’t think I deserved your forgiveness.’ His eyes meet hers. ‘Still don’t, really. But you deserved answers. I should’ve told you how I felt, even if I was still screwing it all up.’

She breathes through the ache building in her throat. Honesty is what they need right now but it still hurts. ‘Do you know the answers? Because even now, after all this time, what I can come up with, it breaks my heart.’

‘I swear to you, Hailey,’ he says, leaning forward, elbows on his knees, eyes locked on hers, ‘you were always enough.’

The sound she makes surprises her. A gasp, sharp and involuntary. Because she hadn’t said it. Hadn’t voiced that particular fear, but of course he knows. He’s always known.

‘It was never that I didn’t love you,’ he says. ‘Never that I stopped valuing you or your love.’

‘Then why did you keep avoiding me?’ The words tumble out faster than she means them to. ‘You made me feel awful, Jay. Awful about myself. I was lost and so embarrassed. We were newlyweds and you just disappeared on me. Because you, what, regretted your decision?’

His eyes flare. ‘I never regretted marrying you. I will never regret that.’

‘But we made vows,’ she says, her voice trembling now. ‘And it felt like you could just walk away from those promises, and me, so easily. I felt…’

‘Say it,’ he whispers, voice barely audible.

‘Worthless.’

He bows his head, hands covering his face. ‘Fuck,’ he breathes. ‘Hailey, can I - I just… give me a minute. I promise, I’m not bailing. Please. I just need a minute.’

She nods, blinking hard, heart pounding.

He sits in silence for a few long beats before he rises to stand. She watches him walk over to the kitchen and lean heavily against the counter gripping it until his knuckles turn white as he draws in slow, steady breaths.

It must only be a minute, but it feels longer as she takes him in and when he looks up and meets her gaze, she sees so much pain there. Wonders again how they did this to themselves. How they ever became this version of themselves.

He lets out a heavy breath and comes back over to sit down. Starts talking again before she can ask him if he’s okay.

And it would be a futile question to ask right now when neither of them are okay, but it’s Jay and despite it all, she’s always wanted him to be alright.

‘Will said something to me the other week - that I’ve spent half my life fighting. In the army, the police. Always fighting something, and I’d never thought about it like that. But I realised, I didn’t fight when it counted.’

She stays quiet. She doesn’t need to interrupt this. Not when she’s wanted this kind of honesty from him for years.

‘I didn’t fight for you,’ he continues, voice low and raw, ‘when you were the best thing in my life. I knew that then, and I know it now. I knew it when I came home for Poppy’s birth. Knew it when you asked me to sign the divorce papers. I got it so wrong. I saw what I’d done to you, and instead of fighting to make it right, I told myself the least I could do was give you what you asked for.’

Her eyes burn as she swipes at them because she asked for the divorce. Out of desperation and hurt. Out of anger too and she wonders if she’d have just let the dust settle for a little while until he came home again for the rest of his paternity leave how different things might have been but she doesn’t say it. Lets him continue to talk now that he finally is.

‘I should have fought for you and hearing you say…shit,’ he breaks off and wipes quickly at his own eyes. Eyes that always seem impossibly green when he’s sad. ‘Hearing you say that I made you feel worthless. Me. When I know what you’ve dealt with, when my job was to do the opposite. I’m so sorry. I felt awful about how bad things had gotten between us and I thought with how much I’d hurt you that the best I could do for you was to let you go like you asked.’

She stands suddenly. Goes to get them both a glass of water needing a moment to herself as he had before. Needs a moment because they’re just sitting talking but her adrenaline is through the roof. She can feel her heart pounding in her chest.

She knew he felt badly about where they’d ended up, but she’d thought it was because he’d felt guilty for hurting her. She didn’t think it was because he was still in love with her. That the guilt ran deeper than she thought.

When she holds his glass out to him, he lifts his head and smiles sadly at her.

‘I think about that night a lot,’ he says.

‘What night?’

‘When you told me you loved me for the first time.’

Oh. She wasn’t expecting that to be the night that he meant.

‘You were hurting and scared,’ he continues, ‘but you let me in anyway. And I told you I wasn’t going anywhere. I promised. And then I did. I broke that promise. And the guilt… it ate me alive. It’s been eating me alive and instead of doing everything I could to make it right, I gave up. I thought that was the right thing to do and I’m not sure I’ll ever really know why. I’m sure that’s not what you want to hear.’

She’s thought about that night too. And all the others. She used to search them, frame by frame, looking for signs. Clues. Proof that his love wasn’t as real as she believed. But it always was. That was the cruel part. Nothing about them had ever felt false. That’s why it broke her.

‘God, I wish my mom had of been around to knock some sense into me,’ he admits. ‘Even my dad. He would have gone off on me about letting you down and not being the kind of man they’d raised me to be.’

It’s rare he talks about either of his parents. He would from time to time, the regrets he had about his dad, fond memories of his mom, but it’s been years since she’s heard him mention them. Another thing lost between them.

‘I was lost, Hailey and I was wrong,’ he says, eyes locked on hers. ‘I’ve been wrong about so many things. But never about you.’

‘I think I needed to hear that,’ she admits softly, ‘but I still don’t understand. Why you wouldn’t take my calls.  Why you shut me out. How I went from being your best friend to someone you couldn’t even speak to.’

He exhales hard. ‘That’s not… I’m not excusing it, okay? All I can do is be honest now. I wasn’t trying to hurt you. I just didn’t know how to face you when I’d failed so badly.’

He talks about Bolivia then. The way that initial assignment made him feel grounded again after feeling like he’d been unravelling that past year in Intelligence and she gets it in a way she hadn’t expected to. That was part of what hurt truth be told. She could have managed those eight months he’d asked for if he’d have just communicated with her.

He always asked for so little, that was just who he was, so when he’d asked her to let him go, she gave him her support even though the thought of him being gone was crippling. She trusted him and she wanted him to find what he was looking for, but then somewhere along the way if felt like what he needed wasn’t her.

‘I called your major,’ she says. ‘He told me you’d asked for the extension.’

‘I did.’

Even now, hearing that still makes her ache. Makes her feel small. ‘And you weren’t going to tell me?’

‘I was. I was trying to figure out how to call my wife and tell her I was breaking my promise. I felt like it was the right decision, the one I needed to make, but I knew hearing your voice would undo me so I put it off.’

She watches him. Sees the way the memories play out over his face, and she can see that they plague him. That he wasn’t indifferent to her as his actions made her feel but it still fucking hurts.

‘And then we got intel,’ he continues. ‘We left base within the hour and were outside of the wire for two weeks and when I got back, you’d already found out and I made a mess of explaining it.’

‘You just said you needed it.’

‘I did,’ his eyes settle on hers. ‘But that didn’t mean I didn’t need you. I wasn’t planning on not coming home to you. I just wanted to come home better. For you. For us. To be the kind of husband and man you deserved. I needed to be sure of myself before I could do that.’

‘You never said that.’ It comes out sharp. Accusing. She can’t help it.

‘I know.’

She rises to stand once more. Too frustrated to be still. ‘You never said any of that.’

‘I know,’ he says again, softer now. Apologetic.

‘Stop saying that,’ she snaps, voice breaking with emotion. ‘It doesn’t help. You knew, and you did it anyway. You checked out, Jay. You checked out and then checked back in when Poppy came along and that’s everything she deserves, but -’

She breaks off. Even now it’s hard to give voice to her hurt especially when she’s been determined to keep it hidden from him these past few years.

‘But it made you feel like you didn’t,’ he finishes quietly.

She doesn’t respond. Just gives a sad little shrug and wraps her arms around herself.

‘I was supposed to be the person who made you feel safe,’ he says.

He stands too and takes a step closer, but she doesn’t think she wants him any closer right now. She holds her hand out to stop him and he stays put and it’s awful that this is them now. This is where their journey has led them too.

‘That was always my job,’ he continues. ‘At work. In life. You always told me the only time you’d ever felt safe in your life was when you were on your own and I promised myself I’d change that. That you’d feel safe in my arms.’

And those words crack something in her, and she lets it. Lets it hurt. Because this is what they’ve avoided.

She lets her tears fall and so does he.

‘I did, Jay. Don’t you get it. For the first time, you made me feel that I could let my guard down. You never needed to prove yourself to me. I just needed you to let me in too like you used to.’

They keep talking. About Chicago. About the case that almost broke her. That almost cost her her freedom. She hadn’t realised how much guilt he still carried for it. Not just for how he bent the rules to keep it buried, but for her ending up in that warehouse in the first place.

‘I don’t blame you for that night,’ she tells him. ‘I never did. I told you then that I made my own decisions and I meant it.’

‘I remember,’ he says. ‘I told you I was doing the best I could, but I never told you why I was struggling. It wasn’t about what you’d done. You did the right thing in an awful situation, Hailey. It was that I felt helpless. I hated that he’d put you in that position, and I hated that I couldn’t protect you when that’s what you deserved.’

‘What happened that night wasn’t on you, Jay. But we trusted each other,’ she says. ‘That’s what worked between us. We trusted and respected each other to make the right calls. I needed you to have my back, not to shelter me from every little thing like some white knight.’

He nods and there’s a soft sigh in there because she’s talking in the past tense. ‘Yeah. We did trust one another.’

And in the silence that settles, she glances at the clock. It’s late and she feels exhausted now. She can’t take anymore tonight. They’re not done but the empty ache in her chest tells her she thinks they probably need to be for now.

‘You should probably head over to Will’s,’ she says quietly.

‘Of course,’ he nods, standing reading her words for the dismissal they are. ‘We’ll keep talking though? Whenever you’re ready.’

‘Yeah.’

There’s no other way through now that they’ve cracked open the vault.

He hesitates at her front door, and she can feel it again. That pull that was once familiar but now feels foreign.

‘Night, Hailey,’ he says softly.

She meets his eyes, but she can only nod and close the door behind him before she slides down it to the floor. Her head hanging between her knees.

And as she climbs into bed that night her phone lights up with a new message from him.

She’s not there yet.

--------

The streets of Seattle are damp from an earlier drizzle; the pavements slick beneath his feet. Jay’s breath clouds in the cool evening air, his stride steady but pushing toward that point where his muscles will burn and his lungs will ache. That’s the point he’s chasing tonight - not because he wants it, but because it’s the only thing that quiets his head for a while.

It doesn’t work. Not tonight.

Hailey’s voice is still there, threaded through the slap of his sneakers on wet concrete. The conversation they’d had a few nights ago. The first real one about what happened between them all those years back has been on repeat every run since.

The truth is, the reasons he gave her… they aren’t enough. They weren’t good enough then, and they sure as hell aren’t good enough now. He can hear Will’s voice in his head, too - half teasing, half cutting through the bullshit about how paying penance, trying to work off his hurt like it’s a debt won’t get him anywhere. And his brother’s right. It’s not helping him.

It’s not helping Hailey either.

His feet hit a downhill stretch and his pace picks up. He focuses on the rhythm of his breathing, but his mind still drifts back to yesterday’s therapy session. He’d surprised himself asking if they could talk about him and Hailey. Their divorce. It had felt strange, heavy, but necessary. His therapist told him the obvious, the thing he’s been sidestepping for years: if he wants to move forward, he has to accept the choices he made back then. All of them. The ones that hurt her. The ones that broke him too.

He rounds a corner, the air sharper here off the Sound. He told his therapist about how he and Hailey have been talking more, spending a little time together. About how it felt like maybe, just maybe, the ice was thawing. She’d said they sounded like positive, healthy steps but she’d also reminded him of the truth he hates to face - keeping his cards too close to his chest was part of what wrecked them before.

Her advice had been simple in theory, brutal in practice - be open about your intentions.

But how does he say what he really wants? How does he tell Hailey that he wants her back, that he never stopped wanting her, without making her run? Without him seeming like a coward when he was trying to be honourable. She’s avoided him this week. Has clearly needed space after their talk and he understands.

He can’t push. They’re not ready for more. Hell, he doesn’t know if she’ll ever feel ready to open her heart to him again.

But he can do his best to show her. Show her he’s a man worth trusting again.

His legs are heavy now, sweat soaking into the collar of his windbreaker, the burn in his chest starting to feel like something he deserves. He pushes harder, past the ache, until his watch buzzes that he’s hit his mileage and he slows to a walk. Pull out his phone to switch to a different playlist and smiles at the sight of his new lockscreen photo. Poppy sat on a swing. Smile wide as she giggles. Legs kicking. He can hear her laugh just looking at the photo.

He’ll do it. What his therapist told him he need to. He’ll find a way to accept his choices because he’ll do anything for his little girl, and he’ll do anything for her mom.

--------

She doesn’t reach out to him outside of the usual contact about Poppy for the next week.

No extra messages. Just the essentials.

Because her head is full. And her heart? A complete mess.

She’s reread that message more than once. I still trust you. He hadn’t said it lightly, and she didn’t take it that way. But still, the words are echoing louder than she expected.

She trusts him implicitly with Poppy. She’d still trust him to have her back in a professional setting. Wouldn’t hesitate to tell someone else they could rely on Jay Halstead.

It’s just her heart she’s not so sure about.

And honestly? She’s cross. With both of them. Cross that they ever let it get this far. That these conversations should’ve happened years ago. Before they signed papers and said and did things they couldn’t take back.

So when his message comes through the following Saturday evening, she stares at it for a long moment.

She doesn’t have real plans. Not beyond cleaning the apartment and maybe a grocery run. Both unexciting tasks but definitely ones that are easier without a nearing four-year-old narrating the process with endless, adorable commentary.

But she sees it for what it is. An invitation. A gentle one. No pressure, no expectation. Just him checking in. Making sure they’re still okay.

And it will never not warm her heart when her daughter cries out Mommy across the foyer of the movie theatre when she meets them there for an early showing of the latest Disney movie mid-morning the next day.

She’s such a good girl. Hailey watches as she looks up at Jay for confirmation before she takes off, and when he nods, she sprints across the forecourt, waves bouncing as she launches into Hailey’s arms.

Jay trails behind, a bag of snacks and a juice box tucked under his arm, and two coffees balanced in a cardboard holder. He turns it toward her, letting her know which cup is hers.

She thanks him quietly, and they head inside, Poppy skipping between them. She’s not been before. They normally watch movies in a couple of instalments at home to match her attention span and neither of them are huge fans of too much screen time for her but she’s excited for this and she’s glad Jay asked her to come.

They miss firsts. Him more so but she misses plenty too. She clapped for the first time when Jay and Will had taken her and Owen out for the day when she was eight months old. She took her first steps when she was at Jay’s apartment.

This isn’t a big milestone but she’s her mom and she still doesn’t want to miss it.

The little girl plops down in her seat and immediately turns to Jay. ‘Can I have the snacks now, Daddy?’

‘What?’ he laughs. ‘The movie hasn’t started yet, Poppy girl. You’ve got to at least make it to the start.’

Hailey smiles to herself. They only made it to the cinema together once the whole time they’d known one another and that was with Will in tow back in Chicago and she’d enjoyed listening to Will explain Jay’s ‘ridiculous’ rule about not eating snacks during the trailers. Seems that hasn’t changed, even for his girl who absolutely has him wrapped around her finger.

They settle in. Poppy between them, her legs adorably poking over the end of the seat. Jay’s long frame angled slightly in his seat so he can lean in when Poppy whispers something too soft for the room. He’s obviously talked to her about needing to be quiet at the movies unlike when they watch something at home and of course it softens her heart.

Hailey barely looks at the screen. Watches her daughter instead. The wide-eyed wonder lighting up her face, her hands gripping the armrests as she giggles.

And when Hailey finally takes a sip of the coffee Jay handed her, something shifts in her chest.

A flat white.

Not her usual. She’s a black coffee kind of woman and always has been. But when she’s had a tough week, she drinks flat whites. Always has. It’s the smallest comfort. A habit she’s never mentioned to anyone, but he remembers.

She glances left. Over the top of their daughter’s head.

Jay’s eyes are trained on the screen; mouth curved in a soft smile at whatever silly thing just made the kids in the movie theatre laugh.

And for the first time in a long time, she lets herself look at him. Really look.

He’s always been attractive. That’s a fact, not an opinion. But she’s spent so long locking away that awareness. Like it was a switch she couldn’t afford to flip.

There are a few more lines across his forehead now and a smattering around his eyes but they suit him. Imagines they’re curtesy of a combination of squinting in the sun when he’s on assignment and smiling at their little girl.

When he comes home to Seattle his freckles are often more pronounced, and she loves that Poppy has them too. A beautiful dusting across her nose. She sees so much of Jay in her and it broke her heart for the longest time when his eyes look back at her, but she also tries to count her blessings that they have a beautiful, happy and healthy little girl and no matter how much of a mess they’ve made of things, she knows Poppy has a wonderful father. Hopes like hell she feels like she has a good mom and growing up as she had, it’s not something she’ll ever take for granted that her daughter knows she’s safe.

He’s so good with her. He loves her so much and he’s exactly the kind of patient, fun and thoughtful dad she’d once imagined he would be.

Poppy shuffles in her seat and she watches as Jay dips down to whisper to her checking she’s okay.

There are a few grey hairs now around his temples too. They catch the light as the images shift on the screen, but they suit him somehow sitting nicely alongside the crinkles by his eyes and the slightly more grown in facial hair.

It seems unfair really that time only makes him more handsome.

She thinks of the young man he was when they met in that bank. She was working and she’d like to say she’d catalogued what he was wearing and the look on his face because she was just surveying the scene, but he was handsome even then. A little cockier. A little less guarded. She remembers the amused glint in his eye when she’d gone toe to toe with Voight. God, she thinks he’d cringe so much at wearing a leather jacket now for anything except being on his bike and the memory of it makes her smile.

The movie plays on, but her thoughts stay with him. With them.

And she’s clearly surpassed her snooping time as he turns to meet her gaze and shoots her that soft smile that used to be her undoing.

And from the way her stomach somersaults. It still might be.

--------

‘Mommy, can we see Daddy today?’

The question comes out of nowhere. Poppy’s voice, small and hopeful, from the back of the car. Hailey glances at her through the rearview mirror, coffee in hand, barely halfway through her first sip.

‘It’s a daycare day, baby,’ she says gently. ‘Mommy’s going to work.’

‘I want to see Daddy.’

There’s no tantrum. No tears. Just a steady, unwavering request. And somehow that makes it land harder.

And she supposes it’s understandable. The lines are blurring this time he’s been home. What used to be clear as time with mom and time with dad is now merging. They’re spending more time together as a three and she knows both she and Jay understand the repercussions of that. Whatever happens going forwards with them, they can’t go back on this for their girl. She’ll expect them to spend time together and they need to deliver.

Hailey sighs softly, switching lanes. ‘We can try and call him, okay?’

Poppy’s face lights up in the mirror. ‘Okay, Mommy!’

She taps the screen on her steering wheel and Jay’s name flashes across the dash. He picks up on the second ring, voice warm and alert.

‘Hey, everything okay?’

‘Yeah,’ she says, soft smile tugging at her mouth. Wonders if they’ll get to a place where her phone calls don’t immediately make him worry that something is wrong. ‘Just got someone here who wants to say hi.’

‘Hi, Daddy!’

There’s a beat of silence and then his voice, louder now and brighter. ‘There’s my girl! Good morning.’

‘Morning, Daddy. I missed you.’

‘I missed you too, Poppy girl, but now I’m super happy because you surprised me to say hi.’

‘That’s good, Daddy.’

Hailey listens, one hand steady on the wheel, as their daughter launches into a full-blown catch-up. She’s barely five minutes into the drive and already Jay knows it’s music day at daycare and that Poppy’s been practicing a ‘twinkle star dance’ she plans to demonstrate to him when she next sees him.

Jay’s chuckling in response to something she says, and Hailey feels that odd tug in her chest again. The one that keeps catching her off guard lately.

Poppy’s a talker. She always has been. A stream-of-consciousness storyteller with a flair for dramatics that frankly they both blame Uncle Will for. It used to surprise them both, how chatty she was. Jay especially, but Hailey used to wonder if in another life - one where he didn’t carry so much - maybe he would’ve been like this too. A little looser. A little more like his brother on that front.

She parks outside the daycare and twists around in her seat to face Poppy, who’s giggling at Jay’s recommendation to make sure her Crocs are in ‘sport mode’ so her feet can move quicker for dancing.

‘Okay, baby,’ she interrupts gently. ‘We’re here now, so say bye to Daddy and wish him a good day.’

 ‘Bye, Daddy! Have the best day ever and don’t forget your coat!’

Jay’s laugh fills the car. ‘Thanks, Poppy girl. I’ll try not to.’

Hailey disconnects the phone from the car and puts it to her ear. ‘Hey… I’ll call you back after I’ve dropped her off.’

There’s a flicker of surprise in his pause, but then he smiles. ‘Sure.’

Five minutes later, she’s walking back to the car when he picks up again.

‘Hey,’ she says.

‘Hey. Thanks for that. I really enjoyed getting to talk to her this morning. She sleep well for you?’

Hailey laughs under her breath. ‘Where do you think all that energy comes from?’

There’s a beat.

‘You okay?’ he asks, quieter now.

‘Yeah. I’m good.’ She hesitates at the door of her car, fingers tapping the roof. ‘She’s just loving having you home. And I wondered if you wanted to pick her up from daycare today… if you don’t have plans.’

‘I’d love to,’ he says instantly. ‘Actually… I’m heading to Will and Nat’s for dinner tonight if you didn’t have plans.’

‘Oh. Yeah, of course. Poppy would love to see them.’

‘I meant you as well.’

That stops her for a second. Just long enough for the silence to stretch.

‘Oh. I -,’ she huffs a little laugh. ‘You just inviting people to their house now?’

‘Come on. You’re not ‘people’ and they’ll be happier to see you both than they are me.’

‘Well… this is true.’

His chuckle at her words floats through the phone. ‘So you’ll come?’

She bites her lip. She doesn’t have plans tonight, not really.

‘I mean… I’ll check with Nat,’ she says slowly. ‘But yeah, okay.’

‘Yeah?’ he says, and she can hear the smile in it.

‘Yeah.’

--------

Jay finishes helping Poppy out of her shoes before she heads off in search of Owen and Lola and Jay heads for the kitchen to greet Nat setting the bottle of wine he brought on the kitchen counter. He offers a hand but she shoos him away telling him he can be on child wrangling duty and that Will should be back from his shift in a few minutes.

‘And Hailey’s coming then, huh?’ Nat says. Smile wide and eyes hopeful.

‘You know she is. She said she was gonna call you to check it was okay.’

‘Of course it’s okay.’

He excuses himself to go check on the kids to excuse himself from his sister-in-alw’s knowing gaze and besides he doesn’t quite know what else to say when it comes to the two of them right now. And anyway, if he knows his brother, he imagines he’ll probably get grilled by him later anyway.

There’s laughter coming from the living room, and when he walks in, Owen’s building an elaborate Lego spaceship whilst Poppy and Lola play with a toy farm on the other side of the coffee table.

The front door opens and his brother calls out a hello. Little Lola rising to toddle off in search of her dad.

‘And look who I found,’ Will says as he and Hailey round the corner. His eyes landing on Jay’s with a knowing look.

‘Hi Aunt Hailey,’ Owen says and Lola reaches over from Will’s arms for Hailey to hold her instead.

‘Hi,’ he tells her.

‘Hi.’

Will doesn’t even try to hide his laughter at the two of them stood staring at one another before Hailey makes her way over to press a kiss to Poppy’s head as she settles on the floor to play with the girls.

He can’t stop looking at her.

He tries not to. God, he tries. But it feels like maybe, for the first time in years, it doesn’t feel like a crime to look. Like maybe it’s okay to let his eyes linger a moment longer. To take in the way she tosses her head back slightly when she laughs at something Owen says. The way she couldn’t care less that her work pants are getting creased sitting on the floor to play.

And later, over dinner, Owen goes on a tangent about how he’s training to beat his dad at Mario Kart and how ‘Uncle Jay used to be good but not anymore’ and it’s so confidently savage that Jay practically chokes on his drink. The kid cracks him up.

‘Watch it, buddy,’ he says, mock offended. ‘You forget I still know where your cheat codes are hidden.’

‘You wouldn’t dare!’ Owen gasps, eyes wide, and Poppy lets out a delighted laugh though Jay’s not entirely sure she follows the conversation.

Dinner is great. It feels like a family dinner should and he wants this always. He’s always wanted this. He just made mistake after mistake until he didn’t know how to undo them.

At one point, Hailey leans in to say something to Natalie and her hand briefly brushes his under the table. It’s nothing. An accident.  But it still lights up something deep in his chest.

He doesn’t even realise he’s staring again later on until Will plops down beside him on the couch with two beers in hand and a knowing smirk on his face waiting until Natalie and Hailey having disappeared into the kitchen before he turns to face Jay. Eyebrows raised in expectation.

‘So,’ Will says casually, handing him a beer. ‘How’s it going?’

Jay lifts a brow. ‘Guessing you don’t mean the girls’ jigsaw puzzle.’

Will’s smile widens. ‘Nope.’

He exhales slowly, staring down at the bottle in his hands. ‘I don’t know, Will.’

His brother waits.

‘We’re… different,’ Jay says finally. ‘With each other, I mean. And it’s been good. Really good, actually. I never thought things would change between us and they are but there’s still stuff we need to talk about. Big stuff. I don’t really know what to tell you.’

Will nods. ‘I get that. But, from where I’m standing?’ He nudges Jay lightly with his elbow. ‘Whatever you’re doing? Seems like it’s the right thing for both of you.’

He glances back toward the kitchen, hears Hailey’s voice rise in soft laughter, the kind that used to fill their apartments late at night when they were first dating.

‘You both seem happier,’ Will adds.

Jay doesn’t answer right away. Just lifts his bottle and clinks it gently against Will’s. A small smile pulling at his lips.

‘She always did that for you. Always made you a little lighter. The two of you just always seemed to recharge one another’s batteries.’

He throws an amused look his brother’s way but Will might have a point. The thing that worked between them might just work between them still.

And he’s not deluding himself that it’s that simple but it’s a start when for a long time all he thought remained between them were endings.

Chapter Text

Rain hammers against the windowpane and really Hailey should be used to Seattle weather by now, but it still takes her by surprise sometimes how intense the rain can be when it comes.

 They’d managed a quick burst at the playground this morning before the rain settled in for the day so the two of them are now on a baking spree inside their apartment. The kitchen countertops currently hidden beneath a layer of flour. It's dusted through her daughter’s hair like powdered sugar and makes Poppy’s little giggles that much sweeter.

Poppy stands beside her in her toddler tower, nose level with the mixing bowl, her small hands confidently whisking up her own concoction that’s more flour than anything else. She's ‘helping,’ which mostly involves sneaking chocolate chips into her mouth when she thinks Hailey isn’t looking.

Hailey pretends not to notice because her daughter is glowing. She loves to be in the kitchen with Hailey. All sticky fingers, rosy cheeks, that charmingly sneaky smile that has always been pure Jay. And just like every time, it makes Hailey’s heart ache and swell in equal measure.

‘Mommy,’ Poppy says as she stirs her mixture, ‘can we watch Tangled when we eat our cakes?’

‘Of course, baby. That sounds like a good plan to me,’ Hailey says, tapping her daughter’s nose with a dollop of the cake mix.

Poppy squeals in delight, then scrambles down from the stool, darting off with purpose. A few moments later, she returns, hugging a purple box to her chest. The one filled with plastic rings from the little vending machines at the gym. The kind Hailey always tries to convince her are a waste of quarters but still ends up feeding anyway.

Poppy pops the lid off and spills the contents out onto the counter. ‘I’m getting ready for the Tangled party,’ she announces.

Hailey grins and begins spooning the mixture into the cupcake cases. ‘Ah, of course. No Disney movie is complete without jewellery.’

‘This one’s for you, Mommy,’ Poppy says, plucking out a purple ring with a huge fake gem and slipping it over Hailey’s pinky finger.

‘Thank you, baby. I love it,’ she says sincerely, twirling her hand round under the kitchen spotlights.

‘This one can be for Auntie Nat.’ Poppy sets a sparkly pink one carefully off to the side.

‘Oh, I think that’s a great choice for Auntie Nat.’

Hailey smiles. She’s a thoughtful kid. It’s just the two of them for their movie afternoon but she’s not about to halt her daughter’s enthusiasm as she sets aside rings for Lola and Owen.

‘You think Uncle Will wants one?’ Poppy asks, already grinning like she knows the answer.

Hailey laughs. ‘I don’t know, you think he’s cool enough to pull it off?’

‘You’re silly, Mommy,’ Poppy giggles, head tilted back. ‘Daddy’s the coolest but he already has a ring.’

‘He does, huh?’ she hums filling up the silicone cases. ‘What colour ring did you give to Daddy?’

Poppy keeps rummaging through the box, too busy matching colours to faces in her mind’s eye. ‘He already got one on his necklace.’

Hailey’s hand falters and she misses the cupcake case entirely, cake mix plopping onto the tray with a wet splatter. Poppy’s words surprising her so much that she doesn’t even smile to herself in the usual way she does at her daughter’s pronunciation of necklace as neck-a-less.

His necklace.

Her heart kicks up in her chest and her mouth goes dry.

It’s probably just his dog tags. That’s what she tells herself.

‘It’s not very fun though,’ Poppy adds, completely unaware of the shift in the air, ‘’cause it’s black.’

Hailey stares at her daughter. Baking temporarily forgotten.

Her mind spins. She thinks back. Tries to remember when was the last time she saw his tags up close? It’s been years. Surely Poppy is just getting confused.

Because it can’t be that even after all this time, that ring never left his side.

‘Are we done, Mommy? Can I lick the spoon now?’ Poppy asks sweetly, tipping her head to the side.

Hailey nods, a little dazed. ‘Yeah, baby. Go ahead.’

Poppy busies herself licking the leftover cake mixture, but Hailey stays rooted to the spot.

A black ring.

She presses her thumb into the plastic jewel on her own finger. It's gaudy and bright and ridiculous but it makes her throat feels tight because it was given with love. Makes her think of another ring that’s tucked away in a box at the back of her wardrobe that had once been given with love too.

--------

Her laptop sits abandoned on her bedside table. Her attempt at distracting herself with case notes long forgotten. All she can think about is that ring. Their rings.

She’d slept fitfully and finally given up at 5am making a coffee and bringing it back to bed before firing up her laptop.

Is it really possible he’s been wearing it all this time?

Even after everything, after years of walking on eggshells, of surviving in a version of life together that wasn’t really together anymore - he’s still had it close to him?

This new normal they’re finding now is both refreshing and gut-wrenching and the pull to look closer, to pick apart what fell apart, is too strong to ignore. She doesn’t know how they made it this long being so careful, so exactingly polite.

But she does know.

Poppy. Always Poppy. She’s worth everything.

Still, her mind drifts back to one of the last nights they were really together.

He’d come home late again. She’d known the messages he’d sent earlier were half-truths from the most honest man she knew and when he’d slid beneath the sheets a little after midnight, she’d lain restless beside him, frustration buzzing sharp beneath her skin. Too sharp to sleep and she’d risen from the bed needing to do something, anything, with her restless energy.

She remembers pulling open the Tupperware drawer, digging through with shaking hands when he padded out of the bedroom.

‘What are you doing?’

‘Where is the lid?’ she’d muttered, not looking at him.

‘Hailey.’

She hadn’t answered.

‘Hailey,’ he’d said again, gently taking the containers from her hands. ‘What are you doing?’

‘I’m trying to find the lid for this. You didn’t eat the food I left out for you.’

‘I didn’t see it. Sorry.’

She’d huffed, bitter and tired.

‘Hailey, I’m sorry. I didn’t see it.’

‘It’s fine. I can add it to the pile in the fridge of meals you’re not eating at home.’

‘Just stop. Stop,’ he’d said moving them both away from the cabinets. ‘I’m sorry, okay? About the dinner.’

‘And are you sorry about anything else?’

His voice had gone quiet then. ‘That I’ve upset you - yes. Of course. It’s just this case. I’m trying to make sure Voight doesn’t lose himself right now. It’ll pass. I’ll be here more.’

‘But it’s you, Jay. You’re losing yourself,’ she’d urged and even now in her memories she can hear the way her voice had caught. ‘And I don’t know how you don’t see it.’

‘I’m right here.’

‘But you’re not. You’re not right here. You’re never here. You slink in and out of this place like you’re trying to avoid me.’

He hadn’t denied it. He’d just cupped her face, rough hands trembling. ‘I love you. I love you so much. I hate that I’m not making you feel that right now. I’m just trying to stop everything from going under.’

It had been on the tip of her tongue to tell him that they were already going under. That she could feel him slipping away. But she couldn’t. The thought was too painful.

So she’d kissed him.

A bruising, desperate kiss trying to cling onto them. To feel him. Feel them and he’d met her in kind. Grounding them together in the only way they still fit.

It had been intense and desperate and God, even as emotionally painful as it was, it had been good. So good. He’d made her come alive beneath him. Above him. Made her feel loved in the way his lips had traced hot paths across her skin. The way he’d nipped at her chest and soothed it with his tongue. The way he’d slipped inside her in one achingly beautiful moment. The way he’d made her call out his name on a breathy moan.

How she’d pulled him into her needing to be as close to him as possible. How she’d placed a hand on his heart as she’d risen above him. Needing to feel the way his heart beat for them still. Begging him to stay with her like this.

How she’d trembled when she came and he’d shuddered beneath her. How his whispered words of ‘Please, Hailey. Fuck. Please,’ has sunk into her bones. She should have listened more. At how he was pleading for their love to be enough.

It wasn’t.

And he’d held her close in the aftermath. Her lying on his chest with his arms wrapped around her. He’d promised her they’d be okay and for a moment she’d let herself believe it

Then at five a.m., his phone had rung. She’d kept her eyes shut as he leaned down to press a kiss to her hair, whispering that he loved her before he slipped away.

And it wasn’t the last time, that was in the aftermath of him telling her that he was leaving, but it had felt symbolic of them. Of the love not being reason enough to stay.

She’s jolted from her thoughts when her bedroom door creaks open.

‘Mommy, is it get up time yet?’

She blinks and forces a smile. ‘Yeah, baby, but we can have a cuddle first. Come here.’

Poppy scrambles up onto the bed, settling against her chest in the warm space Hailey makes for her.

‘Morning, sweetheart,’ she whispers. ‘Did you sleep okay?’

Her daughter nods against her, hair tickling Hailey’s chin. Hailey smooths it down gently, pressing her lips to the top of her head.

Memories of that night might make her chest ache, but she wouldn’t change it. Not when this incredible little girl tucked against her chest came from it.

She’s the very best parts of them.

--------

He knew they needed to talk more. They need to but it’s hard when things have felt so much better between them since he came home this time. Truthfully, he’s dreading another assignment because everything feels fragile right now and he doesn’t want to tip the scales in the wrong direction.

So when she’d called this morning and asked him to come round for dinner with them and then to stay once Poppy was asleep so they could keep talking he’d felt too many things at once.

He wonders what’s made her reach out today. What’s made her feel ready to have more of the hard conversations, but he tells her he’ll be there.

And he loves getting to put his girl to sleep but it felt particularly special tonight. To get to do it here. It’s bittersweet to get a taste of the kind of family life he lost before he even had it.

He sits now on the couch, hands loosely clasped between his knees and Hailey comes to join him after checking on Poppy. Her shoulders are tense, and she looks like she might bolt if she lets herself.

‘Can I just talk for a little bit first?’ she asks quietly, not meeting his eyes.

He sits up straighter, nods. ‘Yeah. I’ll listen.’

She breathes in deeply, tucking a leg under herself. A habit of hers he always loved. He used to tease her for doing it in the truck during long stake outs. Teased her for being fun-sized and small enough to do it and she’d just tell him he wished he were as flexible.

And then when they were finally dating, he’d get to smirk at her and tell her that they both enjoyed how flexible she was and she’d roll her eyes at him and call him ridiculous but her cheeks would tinge pink all the same.

‘I’ve been trying to work out what to say for a while now and I still don’t think I have it right, but I’m gonna give it a go.’

He offers her a small, encouraging smile. Tries not to let the pounding in his chest show on his face.

‘I know we talked about how I felt a bit last time and I know you’re sorry, Jay. I do know that. I think I always knew. I was just too hurt to accept it, or to let it be enough.’

He swallows hard. He’s not sure it’s enough himself.

‘You made a choice,’ she continues, voice steady but soft. He can’t find traces of judgement in her tone and he’s not sure he deserves it. ‘And I don’t think I’ll ever believe it was the right one. But I – we - can’t change it. And hanging onto how I felt back then has done me no good these past few years and I don’t want to keep doing that, so I figure I either need to just let it go, move on from everything, find closure or I accept it and forgive you.’

He doesn’t dare breathe.

‘I’ve been trying the first one for a long time,’ she says with a rueful smile, ‘it hasn’t gotten me anywhere.’

She turns to face him more fully. Her eyes are glassy and it pulls at the last threads of his own composure. Seeing her upset always has.

‘I really want to forgive you, Jay.’

He doesn’t move.

‘Hailey - ‘

‘That’s what I want to choose – to forgive you. To accept that it happened but that maybe it doesn’t need to define everything in our lives because I think it has been. For both of us.’

Tears sting his eyes immediately. ‘I don’t deserve it.’

‘Maybe. Maybe not.’ Her voice cracks, but she smiles through it. ‘But you can’t let guilt ruin everything, Jay or what have these past couple of months been for?’

He wipes his face with his sleeve, barely catching the tear that slips free before he even realises it’s happening. ‘Thank you,’ he says, hoarse.

‘There are still some things I want to know. Questions I need to ask and I know we need to talk more. That there are still things we need to work out between us but that’s where my head’s at.’

And that will be the crux of it, he thinks. He knows her. Even if her heart wants something, she’ll want to go in with open eyes. She’d been hurt too many times to trust blindly anymore and it will always pain him that he broke the faith she once had in him.

He’s completely overwhelmed by her heart though. By the gift she’s willing to hand him.

She’s quiet for a beat. ‘Do you think you can forgive me too?’

He looks up at her. Surprised by her question.  ‘I forgave you a long time ago because I understood - at least enough - why you did what you did. And ultimately, it came back to my choices. You wouldn’t have made yours if I hadn’t put you in that position.’

‘I’d still like to explain.’

He nods again. Watches her pull one of the throw cushions into her lap. ‘Okay.’

‘I didn’t know I was pregnant for the longest time.’

He frowns, heart skipping. That wasn’t where he thought they’d be starting and they’ve never really talked about it.

‘Can I ask when you knew? I know it was months in but…’

‘I came home angry from a case,’ she says with a sheepish laugh, ‘and I was tearing through the bathroom cabinet looking for antiseptic, knocked over my box of tampons and I realised it had been a long time since I’d used them. A little over five months, actually.’

He should have been there. It’s all he can think about. He should have been there. To rub antiseptic on wherever she was hurt, to hold her hand and pull her close when she realised.

‘I thought it was stress. I hadn’t been doing so well after you’d left. Got too caught up in a pretty awful case and then I took the test and I was in shock for like a week. When I had it confirmed, I felt completely overwhelmed. Scared out of my mind because I hadn’t been living the life of a pregnant woman and taking care of myself. But also happy.’

His voice catches. ‘Yeah?’

‘Yeah. And I was going to tell you, but I couldn’t get in touch with you. And I thought, okay, you’d be home soon and you told me you were doing better, that it was helping and I didn’t want to distract you. I just wanted you to keep your head straight and come home to me. To us. So,’ she shrugs, ‘I decided to wait. Wait until you called to say you’d got your date to come home.’

‘Fuck.’ He rubs his hands over his face. ‘You must’ve felt so alone, Hailey. I heard you before, when you said you didn’t want me to carry guilt, but I will always regret taking that moment from you. Getting to tell me and feel happy. I ruined what should have been the best moment of our lives.’

‘And I’ll always regret not letting you in the delivery room,’ she whispers.

He closes his eyes for a moment. Thinks back to that night. The best and worst of his life. ‘I’d lost that right.’

‘I wanted you there so badly,’ she admits. ‘Even after everything. I think Nat did too - she probably wishes it was your hand I was bruising and not hers.’

He lets out a laugh that quickly turns to quiet. They sit in it for a moment.

‘I was wrong to do that, Jay,’ she says. ‘You should’ve been there. You’re her dad. I took that from you. From us. And I was awful to you when I did speak to you that week.’

He swallows at the memory that rises to the surface. Hailey’s face in anguish. The words she said. Words he won’t ever be able to forget.

‘We both said things that were unfair.’

But he knows what she’s referring to. They both do. The moment it felt like the connection between them that had always been there was cut.

‘I’m sorry,’ she says softly and it takes everything in him to not reach for her when her bottom lip trembles. ‘We’re not better off without you. I was hurt, but I hurt you too. And for a long time I acted like I had the moral high ground because you hurt me first, but that’s not me. It’s not us. I was wrong to say that and wrong to tell you that Poppy deserved better than you when you’re such a good father, Jay. And if that’s kept you away, kept you with the military… please don’t let it.’

He blinks fast. ‘It’s okay, Hailey. I understand why you said it. I’ve had a long time to think about that conversation. I get why you wanted the divorce.’

‘It wasn’t about want,’ she says. ‘Not entirely, at least. It was what I thought I needed to protect myself at the time.’

Quiet settles between them. The moment stretching. He hates that he’d ever put her in a place where she felt that she needed to protect her heart from him.

‘Poppy will never be better off without you. And I mean it Jay, if that still factors into your job, then please stop thinking that way. She loves you. So much. You’re her hero and a really good dad. I should’ve told you that more.’

‘Thank you,’ he says, voice rough. ‘You’re the best mom, Hailey. I could watch you with her all day. She’s so much like you in ways I don’t think you even realise. And I love that she has your dimples.’

‘You do?’

‘God, yes. And your smile.’ He pauses. ‘It’s my favourite smile and now I get to see it twice. Or, now I do.’

‘Yeah,’ she murmurs. ‘I kept that from you for a while.’

‘Fair. Though I missed it like hell. Part of the reason I keep that photo.’

She meets his eyes. ‘And the other part if because you still love me.’

Surprise flashes in his chest - but he doesn’t look away. ‘Yes. It’s because I still love you.’

She breathes out slowly. Tangles her hands together in her lap. ‘Can I ask something?’

‘Anything.’

‘Poppy was playing around last week, and she gave me one of her princess rings and said you didn’t need one because you already have a ring. I didn’t think anything of it but then she said it was black.’

He lets out a quick breath and smiles a little nervously. Feels his heartrate pick up in his chest. ‘I’m surprised she hasn’t let that slip sooner. I wear a chain. It’s not with my tags.’

‘Your wedding ring?’

‘Yeah.’

‘You wear it?’

He nods. He’s not about to lie to her. ‘Yeah.’

He watches emotion dance across Hailey’s face. Confusion, disbelief. Hope. She shakes her head. ‘I’ve never seen it.’

‘I don’t wear it around you.’

‘What?’

‘I used to know when I’d see you,’ he explains, ‘so I took it off if I had a shirt where it might show. I didn’t want to make you feel awkward but yeah, otherwise, it stays on.’

She looks stunned. ‘This whole time?’

‘Yeah.’

‘I don’t know what to say.’

‘You don’t need to say anything, Hailey.’

‘You never told me,’ she says and he can hear the frustration in her voice. ‘All this time. You never tried to even –‘

He watches as words fail her. Watches her shake her head once more trying to comprehend what he’s saying. This is why he doesn’t think he deserves her forgiveness. Because he’s made mess after mess.

He loved her but he left.

He loved her but he signed the divorce papers.

He divorced her but he wears his wedding ring each day.

‘I didn’t know how to make amends, so I just focused on being the best dad I could be. And followed your lead with the rest.’

‘But…’

‘I know. It probably seemed like I’d given up.’

‘It did,’ she whispers. ‘Of course it did. It seemed like we weren’t worth the fight and I don’t mean Poppy, I mean you and me. Us.’

He shifts closer. Leans in so his knees almost touch the coffee table. Waits until her eyes meet his once more. ‘You’re worth everything, Hailey. I resigned myself to being without you because I knew I’d hurt you but I got it wrong. I’ve been going about this all wrong.’

‘Going about what?’

Here it is, he thinks.

‘Trying to show you that you still come first in my eyes. That I miss my best friend. My wife. That I love you. And I want you.’

‘Want me how?’

Vulnerability shines in her eyes but there’s a challenge there too. This isn’t the time to hold back. He’s been doing that for years and it only left them broken and alone.

‘I want everything,’ he tells her earnestly. ‘I want it to be you and me, but I’ll take whatever you’re willing to give me. I can’t ask for more than that. This past month or so has been amazing and if friendship is what you want, I’ll be grateful to accept it but I’m not going to do it without telling you that I want more and if you let me, I will spend every single day proving to you that you can trust me with your heart again. That I won’t let you down. That you and Poppy will always come first for me.’

Her eyes fill. She tries to speak, but no words come and he can’t stay four feet away from her any longer. He crosses over to her and kneels down in front of her.

‘Hey, it’s okay. You don’t need to say anything.’

‘You never said, Jay. Why didn’t you say? Why didn’t you just tell me when Poppy was born? That you still loved me. You signed the papers.’

He swallows hard. Can see the hurt on her face and he doesn’t want to hurt her more.

‘What? What is it?’ she asks reading his hesitation.

‘I did tell you, Hailey,’ he says quietly. ‘At the hospital.’

‘What? No, I would…when?’ she says. Her voice taking on a desperate edge.

‘When I came in to meet her. Hold her. I told you she was perfect, that you were amazing and that –‘

Her eyes widen in recognition.

‘- you loved me,’ she finishes

‘Yeah’

He watches her press her palms over her eyes. ‘I thought you were just... Shit, Jay. I told you I didn’t want to hear it because I thought you were trying to do the right thing. We were such a mess and you’d disappeared on me. I was a mess and exhausted. I didn’t think you meant it. Fuck, what have we -‘

Screw it. He reaches for her hand. Takes it in his and the gesture has her eyes meeting his and he knows even this simple touch is having the same effect on her as it is him. It’s lighting him up from the inside.

‘Hey, it’s okay. I don’t blame you. I should have kept telling you. Showing you. Maybe there are things we both should have done and not done but it’s like you said, we have a choice to make now and I promise you that I don’t blame you for any of it.’

Her shoulders heave up and down as she pulls in a breath.

‘God, I… I want that, Jay. I do. What you said before - about us. I want to have all of that with you so badly but –‘

His heart swells in his chest and for a moment he forgets how to breathe because she still wants him. This. Them. The knowledge cleaves him right open but then he focuses on the worry still worked into her brows. ‘It’s okay.’

And now he lets himself reach up to cradle her cheek in his hand. It’s the most intimate they’ve been in years and it takes the wind from him just as her words had done. ‘It’s really okay. I get why there’s a but. I understand why you’re not ready… I’ll wait. I’m not -’

He stops himself. Closes his eyes. Those words come natural to him where Hailey is concerned but then he ruined them. Tainted them with his actions.

‘You can say it,’ she whispers taking him by surprise again tonight. ‘Say it if you mean it.’

‘I’m not going anywhere.’ He swears. Thumb brushing under her eye to catch a tear.

And maybe that’s enough for now.

She leans into his touch, eyes closing, and it’s everything. The comfort she seems to find in his touch. The way her fingers rest lightly on his wrist.

It’s hope and butterflies and old wounds beginning to heal.

It’s not anything he’ll ever risk again.

Chapter Text

The sun peeks between pale clouds, painting soft patches of gold over the park’s grass. The air filled with children’s laughter, the creak of swings, the clatter of sneakers on metal stairs. Lola sits nestled on Will’s lap on the bench beside Hailey, turning over a toy dinosaur in small hands, its tail trailing through the air as she narrates something softly that only she can hear.

Poppy and Owen are a blur of movement across the playground. Owen dutifully chases her as she darts from the slide to the bridge and back again, squealing with laughter. It’s the kind of simple chaos Hailey’s grateful for because just lately, her world hasn’t felt very simple at all.

She watches her daughter and smiles as she always does. Whatever else happens in her life now, watching her girl always brings her peace.

‘He told me he loves me,’ Hailey says suddenly. More to the space between them than to Will directly.

Will doesn’t flinch. Doesn’t really look surprised either at the fact that she’s just started a conversation that way. ‘Yeah, I know.’

‘No, I mean, he told me again. The other night, when we were talking.’ Her eyes stay on Poppy for a moment longer before she glances over at Will. ‘He told me he wants everything with me. A life together. That he should’ve fought for me.’

Will’s quiet for a beat, his arm loosely around Lola as she climbs off his lap and sits beside his legs on the bench.

‘Damn right he should’ve,’ he says finally, a flicker of heat behind the words. ‘I’m glad he’s being honest with you. He fucked up,’ he says mouthing the f-word so that his little girl doesn’t hear, ‘but you’re what he’s wanted all along. Believe me.’

‘I do,’ she says softly. ‘And I believe him as well and I want what he wants. I’m just… scared still I guess.’

Will nods. ‘I get that. Reckon my brother would too.’

‘He does,’ Hailey says. ‘He told me to take my time. Said he’ll be here.’

Will gives a quiet grunt of approval. ‘Yeah, that sounds like Jay. That’s his plan.’

There’s a pause, and she fees Will’s gaze on her.

‘You okay?’ he asks, looking over at her now.

She nods, then shakes her head, then shrugs. ‘Yeah. I’m good. Sorry. I didn’t mean to vent to you. That’s not fair of me. It just slipped out.’

‘Hailey.’ His voice is gentle but firm. ‘He’s my brother, but you’re family too. You always have been. I’ve always rooted for the two of you. The three of you.’ He glances toward the playground, where Owen is now hanging dramatically over the monkey bars, catching his breath. ‘But this is your call. I don’t have any pearls of wisdom except this - don’t break your heart all over again by not going for what you want.’

She doesn’t say anything, just listens.

‘If that’s Jay,’ Will continues, ‘and you two are really on the same page, then I’d say it’s worth taking the chance. I don’t know, none of us know what the future really holds. Maybe your heart might break again, or maybe it’ll be everything you’ve ever wanted. But if not being with him is breaking your heart anyway…then I guess I’m saying maybe it’s worth the risk.’

She exhales, the ache in her chest a little lighter for hearing it out loud because Will’s not wrong. She can’t keep living with her life on pause. That’s not really living at all.

‘That definitely sounded like pearls of wisdom to me,’ she says with a soft laugh.

Will smirks. ‘Well, I have my moments.’

From across the playground, Owen lumbers toward them with the exaggerated exhaustion of a kid who wants praise. ‘Aunt Hailey,’ he groans, flopping down on the bench beside her, ‘Poppy’s worn me out.’

Hailey grins, brushing sweat-soaked hair off his forehead. ‘Sorry, kiddo. Blame her dad.’

‘Seriously?’ Owen groans. ‘He’s got a lot to answer for. She made me do three loops with her on my back.’

‘Mommy! Mommy!’ Poppy comes barrelling toward them, breathless and grinning, cheeks pink. She throws her arms around Owen’s arm. ‘Owen is da best!’

Will chuckles as Owen beams at the praise, already recovering from his ‘exhaustion.’

‘How about,’ Hailey says, pushing to her feet and holding out a hand to Poppy, ‘we treat Owen to some ice cream to say thank you?’

‘Yes, please,’ Owen says, already halfway off the bench.

‘Thanks,’ Will murmurs, watching them go.

Hailey squeezes his shoulder as she passes.

She doesn’t know exactly what tomorrow will bring, but for the first time in a long time, the fear doesn’t outweigh the hope.

--------

The clock ticks too loudly in her therapist’s office, and Hailey feels every second like it’s mocking her indecision. She wants to say something about it - about how irritating it is - but maybe that’s just her way of filling the silence. Maybe she doesn’t really want to sit with the questions swirling inside her. Or maybe she does. She sighs. Keeps her thoughts about the clock to herself.

‘Does it make me weak?’ she asks at last, her voice quieter than she intends. ‘Does it make me weak to want to spend time with him again? To want to work on things? Am I being foolish?’

Her therapist’s head tilts slightly. ‘Why would you think you’re being foolish?’

Hailey presses her lips together. ‘Because he hurt me. He broke his word. We’re divorced. You know what they say, fool me once…’

‘But you’re hardly being blasé about this, Hailey. From what you’ve told me, you’re approaching it carefully. Honestly. You’ve set boundaries you feel you need, and from what you’re saying, Jay’s respecting them.’

Hailey’s mouth opens, then shuts again. Frustration rises in her chest, heat crawling up her neck. She must not hide it well.

Her therapist leans forward. ‘How about we address the other part of what you said? That it would make you weak. What made you say that?’

Hailey looks down at her hands, clenched together in her lap. ‘To go back. To stay with someone who hurt you.’

‘Your relationship with Jay isn’t the same as your parents’ relationship though, is it?’

The question lands like a dart. She swallows hard. Of course her therapist sees right through her. Straight to the fear she’s been circling all session.

‘No,’ she admits. ‘It’s not. Jay - he’s nothing like my father.’

‘But you think you’re like your mom.’

Her shoulders lift in a small, helpless shrug. ‘She stayed. Over and over. After all the crap he put her through.’

‘And that makes her weak?’

‘Yes.’ The word is sharp, immediate. Then softer, conflicted. ‘Doesn’t it? I don’t know. I haven’t walked in her shoes, but I lived in that house. I know enough to know she deserved better.’

‘Yes,’ her therapist says gently. ‘People who are victims of domestic abuse always deserve better and it’s natural for you to consider the ramifications of choosing to be with someone who let you down. But I think it’s important to note the difference between being dependent and depending on someone.’

Hailey frowns, the distinction throwing her off.

‘Being dependent,’ her therapist continues, ‘is almost always unhealthy. There’s an imbalance there. One person’s identity is swallowed by the other. But depending on someone - that’s different. That’s built on trust, time, effort, partnership. I would caution anyone about going back to someone they are dependent upon. But going back to someone they can depend upon? That’s very different.’

‘You think Jay and I are the second?’

‘Nothing about what you’ve shared makes me think you’re the first. But what do you think?’

Hailey draws a breath, lets it out slowly. ‘No. We’re not. And he is someone I can depend on. He just…he made a mistake. And then so did I. And we got lost.’ She pauses. ‘So what do I do?’

Her therapist’s eyes are steady. ‘Well, what do you want to do?’

Her throat tightens. She whispers the truth anyway. ‘I want Jay. I still want him. I want a life together with my best friend.’

‘And do you feel there’s a healthy way for that to happen? One where you both understand what went wrong last time, and how to prevent it from happening again? Where you communicate and respect one another?’

‘I think so.’ Her voice is firmer now. ‘I feel like we’re doing a good job of the second one. The first one…’ she shakes her head. ‘It’s trickier. How we fell apart - it really didn’t feel like us but we’re different people now to who we were back then. Different city. Different jobs.’

‘And you’re both parents.’

Hailey’s lips curve despite the ache in her chest. ‘We are.’

Her therapist studies her quietly for a moment, then adds softly, ‘And you were once a little girl yourself, watching your parents’ marriage firsthand. You saw how toxic it could be. How damaging it was to both mental and physical health. It’s understandable that these things would cross your mind.’

‘That’s not what Poppy would see.’

She’s adamant on that fact.

‘Then I think you already have a lot of your answers, Hailey. Give yourself some time. Some grace. Pause. And remember, it isn’t weakness to work on yourself, or on a relationship that matters, if there’s trust and respect there. It takes strength to learn from mistakes, to rebuild. And if it’s with the right person,’ her therapist offers a small, knowing smile, ‘then maybe you get to build it better the second time around.’

Hailey exhales, eyes blurring with the weight of it all. She doesn’t answer right away, but somewhere deep in her chest, she feels it and she smiles.

--------

‘What is that smell?’

She smirks at Jay’s words. It’s a charming mix of coffee, bubble-gum scented hand sanitiser and sweat otherwise known as Poppy’s gymnastics hall.

‘You get used to it,’ she laughs.

She’d invited him to come and watch Poppy’s class with her and he’d been only too keen to accept. When they’d spoken on the phone in the week after Poppy had gone to sleep she’d been surprised when he’d asked if she’d like them to go to couples therapy. She knows he’s sceptical about the process, but his offer was serious, he said he’d looked up options in the city if it was something she wanted them to do together. That he would ask his own therapist for recommendations.

She’d told him she’d think it over. It’s probably necessary but for right now, she thinks she just needs a little more time to breathe. He hasn’t pushed since that night she told him she wants him too. He’s just been there. Been consistent as he said he would.

And then there’s the likelihood that he won’t be here to attend therapy anyway. She hasn’t asked him when his next assignment is because she doesn’t want to know. She needs to work out how she feels about his job if they’re going to move forward as she wants to.

She watches Poppy run gleefully across the foam floor, her braid swinging behind her as she goes, pausing only to flash them a wave before launching into an overly enthusiastic forward roll.

‘Is she always like this?’ Jay asks beside her, his arm draped along the bench back as he watches their daughter with a stunned sort of amusement.

Hailey grins, keeping her eyes on Poppy. ‘Some of this is for you. Show-off mode. But yeah, she loves it.’

Jay lets out a low chuckle. ‘Makes sense. She’s really good at it too.’ He pushes to his feet. ‘I’ll go grab us a drink - coffee?’

‘Sure. Thanks.’

She watches him weave his way toward the small coffee counter at the far end. The back of him still so familiar: the shape of his shoulders, the way he walks like he’s always aware of everything around him. Even here.

‘Hi, Hailey.’

She turns at the sound of her name.

‘Hi, George. Hi, Hope,’ she says warmly to the ten-year-old at his side. ‘How are you guys?’

‘We’re good,’ George says, returning the smile. ‘Though Bessie was pretty cross she didn’t lose a tooth here like Hope did this morning. She upended her cereal bowl trying to see if there was a tooth floating in her milk.’

Hailey laughs. ‘Oh no. Bet that was a fun cleanup.’

George grins and holds out a takeaway cup as Hope goes to find a seat. ‘Hey, this is for you. Hot chocolate. Hope that’s okay.’

‘Oh,’ she says, surprised. ‘Thanks. That’s really sweet.’

‘Just wanted to say thanks for getting Bessie last week when I was running late. And…’ George glances toward Hope, checking she’s distracted by her phone, ‘well, I wondered if you -’

‘Hi. I don’t think we’ve met.’

Jay’s voice lands low but firm, breaking gently into the space between them. He steps forward, extending his hand.

‘George. Bessie’s dad.’

‘Oh, she’s doing a great job out there,’ Jay says with a polite nod toward the mats though Hailey knows he has no idea who Bessie is. ‘I’m Jay.’

‘Nice to meet you, Jay.’

‘Yeah. You too.’

‘So, which little one is yours?’ George asks.

‘Poppy,’ Jay says. ‘I’m her dad. Just home from deployment.’

George pauses for a split second and looks between Jay and her. ‘Oh, I should’ve realised. Thanks again for last week, Hailey. I really appreciate it.’

‘No problem,’ Hailey says quickly. ‘Happy to help.’

George nods and backs away. ‘I’ll leave you guys to it. See you next week, Hailey.’

‘See you, George.’

Jay settles back onto the bench beside her, coffee in hand, silent for a beat.

‘He seems nice,’ he says eventually.

‘Yeah, he is.’

Jay nods once.

‘His wife passed away a couple of years ago,’ she adds. ‘So it’s just him and his girls. He’s a good dad.’

‘Sounds like they’re lucky to have him.’

She turns to glance at Jay, studies the tightness in his jaw, the way he’s trying to keep it casual when every muscle in his body is quietly tensed.

She says nothing. Not yet.

‘Is that coffee mine?’ she asks, gesturing to the second drink.

‘Yeah.’ He passes her hers.

‘Thanks. I would’ve pretended to drink this to be polite, but I’d much rather have some caffeine.’

He manages a half-smile.

‘You grip that cup any harder, Jay, and your drink’s gonna be all over your lap.’

He exhales and loosens his hold. ‘Right. Sorry.’

‘Hey, it’s not my lap. You don’t need to say sorry to me.’

He looks at her, and there’s something real there. Unfiltered in the way their careful co-parenting hasn’t allowed for these past few years.

‘Don’t I?’ he says and lifts off his cap to run a hand through his hair. ‘I’m sitting here behaving like an asshole.’

‘You bought me a drink and are sitting here quietly,’ Hailey replies, one eyebrow raised. ‘Might need a little help with the asshole part.’

‘That guy.’

‘What guy?’

‘George,’ he says, too fast.

She pauses, studying him. ‘What about George?’ And then she gets it. Knows that look on his face.

‘Jay.’

He drops his eyes. ‘I know. I know. I’ve got no right to comment.’

Before she can say anything further another parent comes over to say hi to her. One of the moms of a girl who’s also in Poppy’s class. She’s nice enough, but Hailey’s under no illusions - she knows the real reason she came over is to find out more about Jay.

‘For the record,’ Hailey says as they stand beside her SUV after fastening Poppy into her car seat once class had finished up, ‘I’m not interested in George and I never have been.’

Jay meets her eyes. ‘Okay.’

And there it is. That tentative, light flutter that’s been blooming between them. The way they are slowly laying claim to one another once more.

‘You good if I come again next week?’ he asks, clearing his throat.

She laughs, shaking her head at his protectiveness. ‘Bye, Jay.’

He grins. ‘See you, Hailey.’

--------

Poppy crashes early that night, limbs worn out from a day of gym and riding her trike around the park near their house.

The quiet wraps around Hailey as she settles onto the couch. She picks up the remote to find something to watch but she knows she’s too distracted to focus on anything really.

Her thoughts drift back to earlier. To Jay, his voice low beside her on the bench, the stiffness in his jaw when George showed up, the white-knuckled grip on his coffee.

He was jealous.

She knows that look on him. Knows it well.

Remembers a different shade to it when she was with Adam when it was too subtle to name. Knows it from a case, years back - not long before she’d gone to New York. A detective from uptown had gotten a little too comfortable around her, a little too familiar, and Jay had been bristling with quiet fury for the rest of the shift. They hadn’t even been together at the time.

And the thing is, not that long ago, she would have been furious. Would’ve agreed with Jay when he said he had no right. Would have told him that he’d walked away. That she was allowed to make her own choices.

All those things are still true. They haven’t magically been rewritten.

But she’s not looking for another choice.

He’s her only choice.

She gives up trying to watch something and throws on her leggings and clips into the Peloton. The cool night air would’ve been preferable, she misses the feel of running with the wind on her face - but it’s late, and Poppy’s asleep and it is what it is. She scrolls through classes and picks one probably harder than she should. One that will leave her legs screaming.

She wants to feel it. Wants the burn, the sweat, the ache in her muscles. It helps her think. Or sometimes not think at all.

After the ride, showered and damp-haired in her sweatshirt, she curls on her bed and grabs her phone. Turns it over in her hands again and again.

She wants to talk to him.

Her fingers hover searching for the right words to message him when she sees the three little dots appear in their text thread. Then they disappear. Then come back.

Her heart flutters in a way she hasn’t let it in a long, long time.

She swallows hard.

She reads and re-reads those words and she already knows them. He’s told her as much recently but there’s something about the casual way they’re said now that makes her insides swoop.

They were never much for texting, but they did once they were together. Hastily typed out messages to let the other know they were thinking of them when they didn’t have time to call and Jay had always been craftily romantic in them. It had taken her by surprise to start with and then somehow seemed like the most him thing in the world.

He types out when she’s hesitated to respond.

She idly braids her damp hair over her shoulder whilst she waits for his reply.

She laughs - soft and involuntary.

She lets out a frustrated breath and sits up straighter against the headboard.

Her phone lights up almost instantly.

She tells him she meant what she said that she wants to forgive him but that it’s hard to reconcile that he’s felt this way all along and never said. She’d spent years believing he had moved on when all this time he’d wanted her the same way he always had. That whilst him telling her the thought of her moving on would cripple him is partly what she wants to hear, it also makes her wonder if he ever would have said something had she not have turned up at his apartment that day and that hurts in its own way too.

He listens. Tells her how frustrated he is with himself too. That he wishes he’d acted instead of just settling into the quiet, tentative rhythm of co-parenting and politeness.

That he’ll keep giving her the time she needs.

And she tells him that she’s not sure how it would have played out anyway – if he’d have fought back then. She doesn’t think her hurt or her pride would’ve let him fight. She’d been too raw, too lost, too deeply gutted in the aftermath of Poppy’s birth and the divorce and everything that came with it.

‘We’re never going to be able to change the past, Jay and I do still need more time but I don’t want us to keep going round in circles either. I told you I was frustrated because I was, but it doesn’t change that I want us to keep moving forwards.’

‘You’re right. We can’t change the past,’ he says. ‘There are things I regret, Hailey. Things I’ll always regret when it comes to you but I know I can’t change them and I’m trying to accept them so that I can be here now. Be present. Be the kind of man I want to be for you.’ He pauses and Hailey hears a sharp exhale leave him. ‘I’ve been looking at different jobs.’

Her heart stutters in her chest. ‘You have?’

‘Yeah, there’s not much that’s leapt out at me yet but I’ll keep looking. I want you to know that I’m serious about us finding our way but I’m going to get a new job regardless. You were right, I’m tired of it all and I don’t want to keep missing things with Poppy. Missing you. Here is where I want to be.’

She closes her eyes and lets his words wash over her. For so long she wouldn’t admit to herself that they were exactly what she’s been wanting to hear but they are. She can’t deny it. It’s not him being in the military, more so what it came to represent for their relationship.

‘But otherwise what happens from here on out, that’s your call, Hailey,’ he says gently. ‘I don’t want you to think I’m putting it all on you, putting pressure on you, but this needs to be on your terms. I’m gonna keep trying to be honest about where I’m at and how I’m feeling but if it’s too much right now, just tell me.

She breathes deeply. Takes a minute because there’s no coming back from this.

‘Poppy would love it if you were home all the time.’ She swallows harshly over the rhythmic thumping in her chest that sounds oddly like hope. ‘I’d really like it too.’

God, he’s coming home. Really. Finally.

A pause. Then his voice again, quieter.

‘Okay… okay, good. That’s,’ she hears him break off and imagines him running a hand through his hair, ‘that’s everything.’

--------

He comes again the next week.

Picks them both up in his truck this time to take Poppy to her class and it shouldn’t feel like a moment, the three of them in the car together, but it does.

They walk into the gym together too, Poppy’s hand small in his, giggling at some ridiculous story he’s telling her about Jay and Will as kids. Something about a dare and a very regrettable haircut.

Hailey watches them, heart lurching in her chest at how much she loves seeing them like this. Now that she’s letting herself have this, these moments with the three of them, she’s not sure how she went without it.

When Jay wanders off to get them drinks, she watches him go. Thinks about how easy it’s become to spend time together as a family. She doesn’t expect him to stop and talk to George but he does. Brief, easy words. Then she hears him offer to grab drinks for George and his eldest daughter.

When he returns, he hands Hailey her coffee and she raises an eyebrow at him.

‘That was unnecessary,’ she says nodding towards where George is sat.

‘I was being neighbourly.’

‘He’s not your neighbour.’

‘You’re right,’ he says, lips twitching into a smirk. ‘Maybe I just wanted him to know I’m gonna be around.’

And maybe it doesn’t hurt to hear that too.

--------

Jay stares at the screen, eyes scanning listings he’s read a dozen times before, but this time, he’s doing it differently. Not with vague curiosity or hypothetical interest, but with purpose. With commitment.

He’s going to do it.

He’s going to stay.

No halfway, no fallback plan. He told Hailey he’d prove to her she could trust him and he intends to keep his word. Things are good between them. They’re spending more time together. He brings her lunch a couple of times a week and they check in after Poppy’s gone to sleep and he feels like he’s coming alive again.

Like he’s living the life that was always meant for him.

He clicks open another job posting, skims through the requirements. Steady. Good benefits. Local to the state. He flags it. Then another. Then another.

And he’s not quite sure what it is he wants to do yet, but he feels excited by the idea. Not just for what it might mean for he and Hailey, or for how much more time he’ll get with Poppy but also for him. Will was right, it feels like time to hang up his bullet magnet tendencies.

He sets his iPad aside and goes to clean up a little. His mind running through ideas about work. His phone buzzes once on the counter, screen lighting up with Hailey’s name. He wipes his hands on a dish towel, half-expecting some logistics about Poppy’s pick-up tomorrow, but instead finds a photo waiting for him.

And it’s a gorgeous shot. Poppy’s grin beams back at him, cheeks sticky with chocolate ice cream, a smear across her chin. A floppy turquoise ribbon looped through her ponytail. Her eyes sparkling with that mischief that always undoes him.

His chest tightens. The kind of ache that’s soft and full all at once. He taps out a reply before he can overthink it.

He stares at the picture another second, the corners of his mouth lifting, before adding

The three dots appear almost instantly.

He exhales, leaning back against the counter. For a beat the apartment doesn’t feel so quiet. The photo sits open in his hand, and he can’t help but think that for all the mistakes and years lost, this - his girl’s happy smile and Hailey on the other end of the phone - it’s still the best thing he’s ever been part of.

Chapter Text

‘You okay?’

‘Yeah. Think so. You?’ Hailey answers, stepping out into the early evening air beside Jay. The city hums around them, cars streaming past, but her mind is full of him. Them.

‘Yeah, I guess we’d covered a fair amount of that before.’ His voice is low, thoughtful. ‘Just hurts to hear how my actions affected you. That will always hurt.’

‘I know.’ And she does. She sees that now, feels that.

He glances at her. Eyes scanning over her gauging her reaction before he speaks. It’s a habit of his that’s never really gone away. She just didn’t want to acknowledge it before. ‘Do you wanna walk down the block and grab a coffee before you head off to pick up Poppy? I know you don’t have long, but we could take them to go.’

‘Yeah, sure.’

He smirks faintly. ‘How many people do you think go and grab a coffee when they’re divorced but in couples therapy?’

They share a laugh. Hailey shrugs as they start down the block. ‘We always did things our own way.’

‘So, what did you think about her suggestion?’ he asks.

‘Telling each other things we miss and things we’re looking forward to?’

‘Yeah.’

Hailey tilts her head. ‘I mean, my gut reaction thinks it’s a little cheesy, but it makes sense. Might be nice. You?’

‘Yeah, I think it could be good.’ He pulls the coffee shop door open for her, and she steps inside. She places her order, hesitates, then adds Jay’s too.

She smiles her thanks when he pays, watching the familiar way he leans close to reach across her. His scent is there - comforting, grounding and before she can stop herself, the words slip out.

‘I missed the way you smell.’

His head jerks up. ‘What?’

‘I… the apartment smelt like you for a while. It lingered on your clothes until it didn’t. I missed it.’ She smiles, a little sheepish, shrugs. ‘And I hated that it still had that effect on me these past few years.’

‘And now?’ he asks softly.

‘Eh,’ she teases, ‘indifferent.’

He laughs, and she feels it bloom in her chest.

‘I missed that,’ he says, his eyes sparkling.

‘My humour at your expense?’ she grins as they collect their orders.

‘No. Well, yes. But I missed the way your nose scrunches when you laugh.’

‘What?’

‘It’s just unguarded. And I always loved seeing you happy. I always felt like I knew you were okay if I could still make you genuinely laugh. No matter what darkness we had going on at work, I knew you were still okay.’

Hailey blinks, struck quiet.

He continues, voice lower. ‘I always loved it. Long before I should have. In fact, it’s one of the things I used to tell myself back when you were with Adam. That he probably made you laugh a lot. More than I did anyway. Used to remind myself of it - that your happiness was a good thing - even if it wasn’t me helping to create it.’

Her heart softens, grip tightening around the coffee cup. ‘Jay… you were always the person who made me laugh the most because you understood me the most. You’d know what to do or say in the right moment. Don’t sell yourself short.’ She exhales, pushing further. ‘And Adam and I - it was never supposed to be more than what it was. You know that. And a big part of that was that you were my favourite person. And Kim was his.’

‘I don’t think I knew that. When we were together you told me you really realised how you felt when I got shot.’

‘It was. Just not the time you thought.’

His mouth falls open. ‘Hailey.’

She tucks her hair behind her ears. ‘It took me by surprise a little, or a lot, and I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready because I didn’t think you felt the same. And frankly, feeling what I was feeling for my partner, who also had a terrible habit of running headfirst into danger, was kind of terrifying.’

‘In my defence, the running-headfirst-into-danger thing was kind of the job.’

‘And yet nobody else did it quite like you.’ She checks her watch. ‘I should go.’

‘Yeah, of course. Give our girl a kiss from me. I’ll call in a bit. Let you guys get home and settled first.’

She drives across the city to Poppy’s daycare, her mind buzzing with pieces of the session, fragments of their conversation. The realisation that therapy isn’t about rewriting what happened, it’s about finding a way forward.

The second she steps inside, Poppy comes bounding up, holding a piece of paper. ‘Mommy, look at my picture!’

Hailey crouches down, taking it with a smile. ‘It’s beautiful, baby girl.’

‘It’s for Owen ’cause he likes space.’

‘That’s so kind. I’m sure he’ll love it. Daddy says he’ll call in a bit to chat to you too.’

‘Yay.’ Poppy skips beside her after saying their goodbyes. Her arm swinging where her small hand rests in Hailey’s. ‘Can we see Daddy tomorrow?’

Hailey squeezes her hand. ‘We can ask him later.’

And the truth is, it doesn’t twist her stomach in knots anymore - the thought of the three of them together. It feels like something she can look forward to.

Later that evening, with Poppy in her pyjamas and perched on the bed, Hailey’s phone lights up with his name. His face appears, tired but softened, that familiar crinkle already warming his expression.

‘Hey, so Poppy wanted to ask you something,’ Hailey says.

‘Hi Daddy, can we do some hanging out tomorrow?’

Hailey watches him melt through the screen. She gets it. Their daughter has that effect. His eyes lift to hers, silently asking for her nod.

‘Yeah, Poppy girl. We can do some hanging out,’ he smiles mirroring Poppy’s turn of phrase. ‘What do you want to do?’

‘I don’t know,’ Poppy hums, playing with her stuffed bunny.

‘I have an idea,’ Jay says, smiling, and Hailey knows they’ve found a new rhythm. Feels it. A new normal. One that doesn’t feel stilted or forced. One that’s painting new shades of happiness into her days.

And she’s letting it.

--------

Jay doesn’t tell them his plan until the next day but he’d promised it would be quick enough to do after Hailey finished work. By the time Hailey pulls up at daycare that evening, Poppy is already waiting with him, bundled in her little puffer jacket, her backpack stashed away in Jay’s car after the two of them had grabbed an early dinner.

‘Daddy says we’re going on a mission!’ Poppy announces, her voice bouncing with excitement as she runs into Hailey’s arms.

‘A mission, huh?’ Hailey asks, shooting Jay a look over Poppy’s head. His grin infuriatingly smug.

‘It’s classified,’ Jay says, ‘but it’s safe for civilians and very low-key.’

‘Good to know,’ Hailey laughs as Poppy threads her little fingers through hers.

She wonders sometimes what Jay would have been like as a dad had they have stayed together. He’s a wonderful dad. Patient, involved, fun. Infatuated with their daughter. She wonders how it might be different. And of course they’d both be different, that’s life. When you parent alone, you have to learn how to fill the gaps when the other parent isn’t around, but she doesn’t think he’d be any less hands on.

She can’t see it. Can’t see him tapping out to let her carry the load of parenting. He’s a good man and a good father and she’s done pretending he isn’t.

He catches her eye, a silent question in them at where her mind has drifted to and she smiles at him.

She’s good.

They’re good even if they’re not there yet.

The so-called ‘mission’ turns out to be a walk through the small park a few blocks away, the box tucked under Jay’s arm becoming clear.

‘We’re feeding the ducks?’ Hailey asks as they step onto the gravel path.

‘Poppy loves that storybook about ducks at the minute. Thought we could make it happen.’ He shrugs like it’s no big deal, but she knows him. Knows this is exactly his brand of meaningful. Listening to the small stuff.

Poppy gasps when the first mallard waddles toward them. ‘Mommy! He looks like he’s wearing a green hat!’

Hailey chokes on a laugh. ‘He does but that’s just his feathers, baby.’

‘Looks like Daddy’s army hat,’ Poppy declares proudly.

Jay squats down beside her and presses a kiss to her cheek. ‘Best compliment I’ve gotten all week, kiddo.’

They scoop out handfuls of the duck feed, tossing them toward the ducks. Poppy giggles each time one snaps up a crumb. At one point she flings a whole chunk that’s clumped together directly hitting one of the duck’s head, and both Jay and Hailey stifle a laugh as the bird shakes it off indignantly.

‘Sorry, Mr. Duck,’ Poppy says, her little face solemn. ‘He didn’t like that.’

‘I think he forgives you,’ Hailey says, brushing a kiss into her daughter’s hair.

‘Good. ’Cause I don’t wanna go to duck jail.’

Jay’s face lights up catching Hailey’s eye and it hits her square in the chest. The love behind it.

When half the box is gone, they walk the loop of the park slowly, Poppy holding both their hands. She swings her arms dramatically, half skipping between them. Delightfully excited when she sees as squirrel dash up a tree declaring he’s doing his exercises.

Jay leans down, whispering to Hailey. ‘I didn’t know squirrels had exercises to do.’

She snorts and has to hold herself back from nudging him with her elbow. ‘Shows what you know.’

By the time they circle back to the car, the sun has dipped low, painting the sky in streaks of pink and orange. Poppy yawns, tugging on Hailey’s sleeve.

‘Can we do another mission tomorrow?’

‘We’ll see what Daddy can come up with,’ Hailey says, exchanging a warm glance with Jay.

‘Don’t worry,’ Jay assures, scooping their daughter up into his arms. ‘I’m full of top-secret missions.’

Poppy rests her head on his shoulder, fighting sleep. ‘I love missions.’

And as Hailey falls into step beside them, she lets herself just enjoy it. How these moments together just the three of them feel. She doesn’t want to second guess it anymore when it’s making all three of them so happy.

--------

Jay’s hand is wrapped around Poppy’s as they make their way along the sidewalk, her small legs working double time to keep up with him, even though she never stops chattering.

‘And then we got to swing on the bar and drop into the squashy cubes,’ she says, her voice bright with excitement.

‘You did?’

‘Mmm hmm. Miss Alice said I flew!’

‘Somehow that doesn’t surprise me.’

She giggles, that high-pitched sound that bubbles out of her and tugs at something deep in his chest. He can picture her face mid-jump, fearless, just like her mom.

It’s rare Hailey gets called into work on a weekend, but she’d rung him earlier, voice a little tight, asking if he could pick up Poppy from gym. Said she’d be tied up for at least a few hours. He hadn’t even thought twice about it.

‘Well,’ he says, bumping her shoulder with his hand as they turn the corner, ‘I think after a little flying, maybe a hot chocolate is in order.’

‘Yes, yes, yes, yes!’ she squeals, hopping on the cracks in the sidewalk. ‘Can I get a cookie too? Or a cake? Please?’

He narrows his eyes in mock seriousness. ‘Are you gonna share any with me?’

Poppy tilts her head to the side, her lips pursed. The move is so like her mom it squeezes his heart.

‘I think you can have some, Daddy.’

The bell above the door chimes when they step into the coffee shop, warm air wrapping around them. They settle into a small table by the window, steam curling from their mugs a few minutes later. Poppy is dunking her cookie into her hot chocolate waiting for it to cool down, leaving soggy crumbs floating at the top.

And this - this is his favourite thing. Spending time with his girl. It always has been. At least until he knew what it was like to spend time with both of his favourite girls. That’s the thing, getting to spend time with Hailey again has made his world bigger and fuller just like it did the first time around and sitting here, he feels the ache of missing her, even though he’ll see her in just a few hours.

‘Halstead? Detective Halstead, is that you?’

Jay looks up, startled by the voice. It’s been a long time since anyone has referred to him that way. Standing a few feet away is a tall man in his late fifties, silver streaking through his hair, his posture still carrying a kind of command.

‘Daniel,’ Jay says, rising quickly and reaching for his hand. ‘Good to see you.’ He shakes his head with a disbelieving smile. ‘Wow. It must’ve been about twelve years or so?’

‘I’ll say.’ Daniel grins, giving his hand a firm shake. ‘What are you doing out on the east coast?’

‘I live here now,’ Jay explains. Pride sneaks into his voice as he adds, ‘Have done since my daughter was born.’ He gestures toward Poppy. ‘This is Poppy.’

Poppy blinks up at Daniel, cookie still in hand, then grins seemingly deciding she likes him. ‘Nice to meet you.’

Jay feels pride rise within him. She’s such good kid with the best manners.

Daniel chuckles. ‘She looks plenty like you, but she’s a damn sight cuter.’ Then, frowning faintly, he adds, ‘How have our paths not crossed out here?’

‘I’m… well, actually not police anymore.’ Jay hesitates, a muscle ticking in his jaw. ‘Rejoined the army for a while but I’m looking for something that’ll keep me home now.’

He sees the way Fisher frowns at his words. Dan Fisher is one of the good guys. The kind of cop Jay aspired to be. Jay met him through the academy when he was a guest teaching a few classes back in Chicago and they kept in touch a little over the years until they didn’t.

‘It’s a long story. Things didn’t wind up quite like I’d hoped for a while, and I needed something different.’

Fisher studies him, reading between the lines the way only another cop can. ‘I told you Hank Voight was a hard man to get out from under.’

Jay lets out a breath. ‘Guess you were right.’

‘I work for the police academy out here now,’ George says after a moment. ‘And I’ll tell you, if you wanted in, I’d snap your hand off. You’d be a hell of an instructor.’

Jay’s brows lift, the thought catching him off guard but it’s not that simple. Not after what he confessed to O’Neal back in Chicago. ‘I’m not sure it’s possible.’

‘Leave it with me,’ Daniel says, his tone final, like he’s already got half a plan forming as Jay programmes his contact into the other man’s phone. ‘I’ll leave you both to it. Lovely to meet you, Poppy.’

Jay sits back down as Fisher leaves, Poppy shifting over onto his lap with her chocolate-stained smile. He kisses the top of her head, his mind churning. He hadn’t seen that conversation coming but it would definitely be the kind of curveball worth considering.

-------

Jay walks beside her as they cross the street, the late-autumn air cool and sharp. Lunch in the park once a week has become their quiet ritual whenever the weather cooperates - a small tradition born out of their therapist’s gentle reminder to keep looking forward, not only back.

They’ve even made a game of her suggestion, sharing little things they’re looking forward to: a Saturday pancake breakfast with Poppy, finally tackling the half-finished puzzle on Hailey’s coffee table, a day trip to the coast before winter hits. Sweet, light-hearted promises that stitch the days together.

‘You know,’ Jay says now, breaking their easy silence, ‘there’s something else I’m looking forward to.’

‘Oh yeah?’ Hailey glances up at him, expecting something playful.

His eyes soften instead. ‘Hearing more about your pregnancy.’

The words surprise her - and yet somehow don’t.

‘You are?’ she asks quietly.

‘I missed it all,’ he says, voice low but steady. ‘And I know not all of your memories from that time will be good, but I don’t want you to carry them alone. I’d love to know whatever you’re willing to share.’

Her chest tightens, not with hurt but with a kind of unexpected relief. ‘Yeah… okay. We can do that. I have a couple of photos too.’

They keep walking, lost in a quiet that feels different now - fuller, more deliberate. Neither of them realise they’re already back at her building until a cluster of her colleagues spill onto the sidewalk as they head out for their own lunches.

‘Upton, you want anything from the coffee place?’ Max calls, backing up in the other direction.

‘I’m good, thanks,’ she replies.

Max’s eyes narrow, then lift in a knowing arch before he ambles off.

‘Friend?’ Jay asks, amused by Max’s lack of subtlety.

‘Probably not for much longer if he doesn’t keep his big trap shut,’ she huffs.

Jay laughs beside her.

‘That’s Max,’ she adds.

‘The guy whose wedding you went to last time I was home?’

‘That’s the one,’ she confirms with a small smile. ‘He’s great - a good friend - but…’

‘He’s gonna quiz you about your handsome friend?’

She elbows him lightly in the ribs, and the grin that breaks across his face is pure, unguarded giddiness.

‘I might tell him you’re a CI,’ she teases.

‘You do what you gotta do,’ Jay shoots back. ‘But you’d better give me a good backstory.’

‘A CI with demands - what’s new.’

‘You still have CIs?’

‘No,’ she laughs. ‘I really should go though.’

‘Okay. Talk to you later?’

‘Of course.’

He gives her hand a gentle squeeze before turning back toward the street. The warmth of it lingers long after he’s gone.

Later that afternoon, Max sidles into the kitchen area as Hailey refills her water bottle.

‘Well, well, well, if it isn’t the sneaky lunchtime dater,’ he drawls. ‘Or are you about to fob me off and tell me he’s a CI?’

A laugh escapes her. ‘That’s exactly what I told Jay I was gonna say to you.’

‘Wait - Jay? As in your ex-husband Jay? Or do you just have an oddly specific name kink?’

‘No, it’s that Jay.’

‘Okay.’

‘Okay?’ She turns to face him. Crosses one arm over the other. ‘Seriously? That’s all you have to say?’

‘Oh, I have plenty to say, but I’m not gonna tease you now I know who it was.’

‘What were you gonna say?’

He pops a chip in his mouth. ‘I was going to say you should be climbing that man like a tree and not wasting your lunch breaks eating sandwiches.’

Heat floods her cheeks.

Max’s eyebrows lift. ‘The blush. Wasn’t expecting that.’

‘Ask me a couple of months ago and I would’ve said the same thing,’ she admits.

‘So this isn’t a one-off. You two have been spending time together?’

‘Yeah. We have. We are.’

‘Is he a good man? I know you’ve said he’s a good dad, but is he good to you? For you?’

‘He is. He always was. We just had a lot going on and we shut down on one another, but we’re talking. Taking things slow.’

Max’s grin softens into something genuine. ‘Then I’m really happy for you, Upton.’

‘Thanks, Max. This is all very subdued for you.’

‘Oh, David is absolutely not going to hear the end of this later.’

‘Tell him sorry from me.’

Hailey leaves the kitchen smiling, Jay’s quiet request about her pregnancy still warm in her mind. The light-hearted moments between them matter, but so do the deeper ones, the ones that reach back and pull them forward together.

Doesn’t stop her from grinning like a fool when he texts her that night.

--------

Jay heads toward the parking lot, hands shoved into his jacket pockets, the autumn wind pushing against him. He can still feel the weight of her hand from when he’d given it a quick squeeze before they said goodbye.

He hadn’t planned to bring up her pregnancy. It just slipped out. But once the words were there, he knew he didn’t want to take them back. For years he’s carried the ache of those months he missed. The kicks, the late-night cravings, the doctor visits and her body changing as their little girl grew. He was there that day when his girl came into the world, but he’s always wished he’d been there to witness all the quiet in-between moments.

Their therapist keeps telling them to look forward, not just back. He likes the game they’ve made of it - trading little things they’re looking forward to: Poppy’s next gymnastics showcase, Poppy riding her bike without her stabilisers, going out for breakfast together. Those are easy.

Today he wanted to name something that wasn’t easy.

He stops at the crosswalk, watching traffic slide past, and lets himself replay Hailey’s reaction - surprised, sure, but not guarded. She’d said they could do that. That she had some photos too that she’d find out for him.

It lands in his chest like a quiet promise.

He starts the truck and sits for a moment before turning the key, thinking about the life they’re rebuilding. Slowly. Carefully. Lunch in the park, small truths traded like gifts, the chance to finally fill in the pieces of a story he’s longed to know.

For a long time, the future felt bittersweet. He would get to watch his daughter grow into an amazing woman but the life he really wanted had slipped away from him and now. Now it feels like something he’s already holding, steady and real, just waiting for them both to take the next step.

The next week slides by faster than he expects.

He’d meant to tell Hailey about running into Daniel Fisher at the coffee shop. About the potential of a job at the academy, but the week runs away from them both.

It’s not until Friday evening, after he drops Poppy back home to her and their girls runs straight to her room to find her favourite stuffy, that he finally gets the moment.

He lingers in the doorway, the scent of Hailey’s shampoo drifting toward him.

‘Hey,’ he says, quiet but steady, ‘you got a few minutes to chat?’

‘Yeah, of course.’ She glances toward Poppy’s room. ‘Come in. Hey, Poppy, I’m just gonna talk to Daddy for a few minutes. Why don’t you go and pick out some stories for after your bath?’

‘’Kay, Mommy!’ Poppy calls back.

Hailey turns her knowing gaze on him. ‘What’s up?’

Jay exhales. ‘I’ve been meaning to tell you something all week, but it kept getting away from me. I, uh, bumped into Daniel Fisher.’

He watches her face twist in concentration trying to place the name.

‘A sergeant I knew back in Chicago. Worked out of the 14^th district and at the academy sometimes.’

Her brows lift in recognition.

‘He’s living out here now, works at the police academy full time. He said, well he said if I ever wanted in, he’d snap my hand off.’

Hailey’s face lights, just for a second - he catches the flash of excitement - but then a tiny frown creases her forehead.

‘You don’t look thrilled,’ she says. ‘Is it not something you’d be interested in? Or is it not possible given…’ she tails off. They both know how that sentence ends.

‘I don’t truthfully know if it’s possible,’ he answers, rubbing the back of his neck. ‘It actually sounds…good. It’s a steady job, reasonable hours. I think I could enjoy it.’

‘You’d be really good at it too, Jay.’

‘You think?’

‘I know you would be and so does Fisher but there’s more, isn’t there?’

He lets out a breath. Of course she can read him like this. ‘I don’t want to even consider it if the thought of me doing so worries you.’

Her face tilts in quiet concern. ‘Jay.’

‘No, I mean it, Hailey. I won’t make a decision like that again without consulting you and there’s a hundred what ifs between now and a moment where I might have a badge again but if me being with the force again makes you uneasy, then it’s a no for me.’

‘You being police never made me uneasy, Jay. I’ve known a lot of cops and I can think of few, if any, more suited to the job. It was never the job, just who we were doing it with.’

‘Are you sure?’ he asks taking a step closer.

Her eyes meet his. ‘I’m sure. I told you that back then too.’

He closes his eyes against the memories that play out before him. Her heartbroken face that day. The day he handed over his badge. The day he told her he was leaving.

‘You did,’ he whispers. ‘I’m sorry I wasn’t in the place to hear it.’

He watches her shoulders rise and fall with the weight of his words.

‘I got them, Mommy. Can we do three?’

They turn at the sound of Poppy’s voice. Picture books splayed against her chest as she rises and falls on her tiptoes hoping she can push her luck to have three stories.

‘We can do three, baby,’ Hailey smiles at their girl.

‘Yes!’ Poppy smiles turning back to her room sliding along the wooden floors.

‘Bye, Poppy girl,’ Jay calls out.

‘Bye, Daddy!’ comes her reply quickly followed by, ‘Come on, Mommy!’

They both laugh. ‘I’ll leave you to it,’ he says. His smile coming easier than it did a few moments ago.

Her hand reaches for his as he turns. A gentle squeeze that sends lighting dancing through his veins.

‘This could be a good thing, Jay. A really good thing.’