Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

There’s such a peculiar feeling when one comes to the realization that there’s really no going back. This is it. This is all there’s going to be in life.

At least, that’s what Regulus Black felt when he realized he loved James Potter.

It wasn’t an earth-shattering moment, surprisingly. It was almost a relief of sorts; an “ oh, that’s what this feeling is. ” At least, that’s how he remembers it. Of course, he won’t ever tell anyone that. He hasn’t. Yet. 

Unfortunately, his friends make it incredibly difficult. Living in a dorm with Barty Crouch Jr. and Evan Rosier is bad enough. While Regulus does love them (even if he rarely speaks it), he doesn’t enjoy their constant ability to bug him about every interaction he has with James Potter and that annoying posse. The only thing that keeps Barty and Evan off of Regulus’ ass is their own will-they-won’t-they that everyone seems to be aware of but them. He’s less lucky with Dorcas Meadowes and Pandora Rosier.

While Regulus values the deep connection he shares with them both, the girls use that to their advantage when trying to pry. Luckily for Regulus, he’s very familiar with shutting down and bottling up his feelings. One has to learn to do so when growing up in a house that’s never a home, and with parents that are never family, but guards in your own personal prison.

Regulus will never tell anyone he’s in love with James Potter. He promised himself that the moment he knew what it was to love someone so kindhearted, so brave, so unapologetically themself, and most of all, so unattainable . Because that’s what it is, ultimately. Regulus can’t tell anyone, because the mere thought of someone else acknowledging that James is so far out of reach it’s like he’s on Mars would kill Regulus. It doesn’t matter that he’s a star (or named after one), Regulus Black will never shine bright enough to be seen by someone who glows like he’s carved by the sun itself. And that’s exactly who James is. So no, no one will know.

That was, of course, until his godawful brother had to ruin his perfectly set out plan. Again . 

Sirius and Regulus have a… tense relationship, to put it simply. A year ago, when Sirius ran away from Grimmauld Place and moved in with the Potters, it made things worse for Regulus than they already were in that hellhole he was forced to call home. His parents grew stricter; he became isolated from his friends, was forced to dress in ways that never felt like himself, was punished for things he didn’t know were no longer allowed, and worst of all, didn’t have his big brother to endure it all with him. This made Regulus resent Sirius for a long time. Wanted to hate him, but couldn’t bring himself to do it. Not his big brother. Never his big brother. With no other choice, Regulus slowly began to give into his parent’s rules and future that were set up for him as their new heir. Until, one day, six months later, Sirius came back. He came back for Regulus.

It was late at night, and Sirius came up to Regulus’ bedroom window, in a damn flying motorcycle , no less. Always him and his dramatics.

They didn’t do much talking. They both knew there wouldn’t be much time to talk, not if they didn’t want to be caught by Walburga and Orion.

At first, Regulus wanted to say no, make Sirius feel as deeply betrayed as Regulus did that first night. But ultimately, he knew this was his only chance to be himself, and not the daughter that his parents were shaping him into. So he said yes. Regulus frantically packed the few things he held dear in that house empty of love, and followed where his brother led. 

That was six months ago. Currently, said brother is strolling up to the Slytherin table in the Great Hall with James Potter following closely behind.

Well, fuck , Regulus thinks.

“Reggie!” Sirius practically shouts, his voice booming through the noisy hall.

“Sirius,” Regulus says blankly, choosing to not look at the two boys as he turns his head back to his meal.

“Oi, why are you ignoring me? I’m right here.”

Regulus rolls his eyes and begrudgingly looks up at Sirius, making sure to keep his eyes on his brother and not checking out James, who is definitely not looking unfairly fit, even in something as mundane as his uniform. “Better?”

Sirius grins. “Listen. Me, James, Remus, and Peter are planning a party. Wanna come?”

Regulus resists rolling his eyes again. While Sirius and him aren’t necessarily fighting, they aren’t… close. Regulus may have come to the Potters, but he rarely leaves his room whenever they aren’t at Hogwarts. He refuses to acknowledge James unless it’s impossible to avoid conversation, and he and Sirius still haven’t had a proper conversation about the past year, or their childhood. So, one could say the relationship is a bit rough.

Regulus sighs. “Come to a Gryffindor party? And what, be subjected to one of your pranks? No thank you, Sirius.”

“Cmon, Reggie,” James says. Regulus can’t stop his gaze from snapping over to him. He wishes he could.

James is painfully attractive, but that’s nothing new. His dark, tousled hair sits in what should be a complete mess on top of his head, but of course James pulls it off with charm. God, Regulus hates him. Regulus loves him. Regulus wants him. Regulus will not be acknowledging that in the middle of a conversation with James Potter himself.

Regulus clears his throat and looks at James with disinterest, though his mind is thinking plenty of obscene thoughts about the man.

“What does it matter to you, Potter? And don’t call me ‘Reggie.’ I can barely stand Sirius’ grating voice speaking it,” Regulus speaks dryly, Sirius gasping in dramatized offence.

James looks a bit taken aback. “Well, er, it’d be nice? Sirius would be happy, right Padfoot?” Sirius nods in response, throwing his arm over James’ shoulder.

“...and maybe I’d like to see you there, too,” James continues, and fucking winks at Regulus. Oh, he hates this man.

Before Regulus can respond (not like he’d even know how), Sirius interrupts.

“Prongs, are you flirting with my little brother?” he accuses, looking at James with suspicion.

“... No …” James denies. He averts his gaze from Sirius, choosing to observe Regulus, who’s trying to remain calm, but how the fuck can he do that while James Potter is eyeing him like he’s a fucking meal?  

Sirius flicks James on the forehead. “James! That is my baby brother! He’s practically fresh out of Walburga Black’s dusty womb!”

Regulus grimaces. “First of all, you’re only two years older than me, you cunt. Second, must you speak so foul? That’s fucking disgusting.”

“You just called me a cunt, you cunt. Talk about foul language,” Sirius shoots back.

Regulus scoffs and begins to respond, ready to jump at the opportunity to insult his brother.

“Hey, hey, hey! Let’s all settle down here, yeah?” James cuts in, flashing a nervous, but still stunning, grin. “No need to get so caught up. Point is, party in the Gryffindor common room tomorrow night. After the quidditch match with Hufflepuff. See you there, Regulus?” James says, running a hand through his hair.

And, well, how could Regulus say no to him?

“... fine, for fuck’s sake. But my friends are coming too,” he states, motioning to Dorcas, Barty, Evan, and Pandora, all seated around him. He doesn’t let them protest.

“I’ll take it!” Sirius says happily. “Oh, and maybe you could even come to the match? Cheer us on?”

“Don’t push it,” Regulus snaps, turning back towards his food, which has gone cold by now.

Sirius huffs dramatically. “Fine, Reggie. But we’ll see you tomorrow night! I’ll meet you at the painting at 10!” He turns around and practically skips off over to the Gryffindor table. James follows, but turns his head to look at Reg one more time.

“Wish us luck, won’t you?” he says, almost tentatively. Regulus can hear the smile in his voice, but his tone is strange, because if James Potter is one thing, it is not quiet.

Regulus so badly wants to say yes. James, I hope you win. I’d fucking show up in gold and red just for you, I swear. But Regulus would rather die than admit something as cheesy as that, so instead, his back still to James, he says “I hope you get hit by a bludger and fall off of your broomstick at the match.”

Surprisingly, this makes James laugh. “I’ll let you know if I do.” And Regulus takes a bite of his cold meal to hide the smile trying its hardest to make its way onto his face.

After a moment, Barty speaks up.

“What the fuck was that about?” he snorts.

Regulus flashes a glare at him. “What was what? Sirius being obnoxious, as usual.”

“I think he means that whole thing with Potter,” Evan replies, raising his eyebrows. “Why the hell was he flirting with you? Don't you two barely talk?” 

Regulus huffs. “He wasn’t flirting. That’d be ridiculous.”

“Oh, he absolutely was, Reg. Even Sirius mentioned it,” Dorcas laughs, kicking his leg under the table.

“He was just trying to piss off Sirius. Besides, I fucking hate him. He’s a prick. Obsessed with Evans, too.”

“Obsession is rarely love. Perhaps he finds interest in unattainable things, such as Lily Evans and yourself,” Pandora says, absentmindedly attempting to braid her brother's short, blonde hair.

“Evans isn’t unattainable. I’m sure she and Potter will be together by their N.E.W.T.s,” Regulus mutters, trying his best to sound like he doesn’t care, because he can’t. Who cares if James and Lily Evans date? It doesn’t matter to Regulus. He doesn’t stand a chance, anyways.

Pandora simply lets out a quiet hum in response, mostly making tangles in Evan’s hair now, who begins to swat her hand away and run his fingers through the strands.

“Either way, we’re stuck going to this Gryffindor party,” Dorcas says, taking a drink from her goblet.

“Regulus, why’d you drag us into this with you? You know I hate how drunk and loud those parties are,” Evan grumbles.

“Don’t be so dramatic, Rosie. Just get drunk and loud yourself. I can help, if you’d like,” Barty flirts, winking at Evan as he twirls his fork in between his fingers.

Evan rolls his eyes and scoffs. “You wish, Crouch. Stop thinking with your dick.”

“I couldn’t if I tried,” Barty sing-songs.

“Are you two done flirting? You’re making me sick, I’m losing my appetite,” Dorcas interrupts. 

“Oh, but it was fine when Regulus was flirting with Potter?” Barty replies.

“We weren’t flirting!” Regulus defends rashly. 

“You cling to denial like a moth to a flame, dear Regulus,” Pandora tuts, sincerity in her tone, even if it clearly frustrates Regulus regardless.

“I’m done with the conversation. Besides, I need to go up to the dorm and grab my books. I’ll see you all later.” And without further input, Regulus stands up and begins to walk out of the Great Hall as his friends snicker and shout various goodbyes.

As Regulus walks, he begrudgingly thinks of James. His stupid smile, his classic hair. Regulus wants nothing to do with him. Regulus wants everything to do with him. Regulus wishes he never met that boy in his first year, when Sirius happily introduced James Potter and the rest of his friends. Sure, they all were nice enough, but James . He caught Regulus’ eye and hasn’t left his mind since. Oh, how Regulus wishes he would. But he hasn’t tried to get rid of him, now has he? No, Regulus Black is as weak as his star’s light in late August. He’ll allow James Potter to infiltrate his thoughts as long as the sun blazes, but he’ll keep it to himself as long as the stars shine. A never ending cycle forced upon Regulus by his own hand, carved by his childhood and frozen by the cold, destined to never feel the sun.

Chapter Text

Regulus really doesn’t want to be at this party. Like, at all . He doesn’t want to hear his brother shout obscenities and flirt with anyone that catches his eye. He doesn’t want to see Remus Lupin practically ogle Sirius while downing half a bottle of fire whiskey. He doesn’t want to crouch past people who are crowd surfing Peter Pettigrew. Most of all, he doesn’t want to see James flirt with Lily Evans, but life rarely grants one those pleasures.

Currently, Regulus is leaning against one of the tables that has only a few bottles and cups littered across it. He’s trying his best to avoid staring at James, but it’s proving to be difficult. What else is supposed to focus on? He doesn’t know the music they're playing. He had been informed by Sirius that they’re muggle songs by “The best band that you’ll ever have the privilege to bless your ears with,” so Regulus gave up trying to identify the songs. His friends are off having various experiences. He saw Barty dragging Evan to the dance floor right after Dorcas got caught up by a bleach-haired girl who she apparently shares a class with. The girl claimed she was too nervous to speak to Dorcas til now, and they started flirting, which made Regulus run off to get a drink with Pandora. That was until Pandora walked up to a girl with bouncy, dark, curls and glowy light brown skin. She said that she felt a pull and asked to read her palms. The girl agreed, so now those two are against a wall, Pandora tracing her fingers across the other's palm, while the girl seems to be flirting in between Pandora’s readings. Regulus admires Pandora’s ability to have such a calm, yet confident, air about her. He has never been lucky enough to have the skills the blonde has, both magically and socially. Either way, he selfishly wishes she’d save them for when he isn’t left to awkwardly stand around at a party for a house he is not in. 

Alas, he is not that fortunate. This leaves Regulus where he’s perched now; trying to drown his wallowing in some fruity alcoholic drink given to him by Pandora. His gaze keeps travelling across the common room. James is trying to woo Lily Evans, and to Regulus’ dismay, it’s working . Lily has one hand occupied with a drink, and the other repeatedly covering her mouth when she fucking giggles at James’ bizarre motions and jokes Regulus so desperately wishes he could hear. They’re not too far from Pandora and the curly haired girl. If Regulus was a brave man, he would walk straight past James Potter and Lily Evans to grab Pandora to go dance or just do something to distract himself. Surprisingly to no one , Regulus does not do this, because Regulus is a coward.

While the coward tries to bring some sort of motivation to his shameful presence, he observes something that makes his stomach sink. James and Lily are making their way to the dance floor, hand in hand. When they start dancing, Regulus feels like throwing up with how much they’re touching. Lily has one hand on James' shoulder, with the other holding her drink while her hips sway. James has the biggest damn grin on his face as he tentatively puts a hand on Lily’s hips and the other on the back of her neck. The two look like the sweetest fucking couple, and it makes Regulus want to rip his hair out. 

He eventually tears his eyes away, repeating in his head it doesn’t matter it doesn’t matter it doesn’t matter he’s not yours he’ll never be yours just get over it while you still can. No matter how many times he thinks this mantra, he can’t stop himself from harshly blinking his eyes and feeling the pit grow in his stomach as he replays the image of James and Lily touching and giggling over and over in his mind. I need to leave , he thinks, setting his half empty cup on the table closest to him and keeping his eyes on the ground as he scrambles to the exit. Of course, it’s a crowded party, so he bumps directly into someone. Regulus glances up, preparing to mutter a half-assed apology and continue his escape. Unfortunately, it seems that the universe is extremely against Regulus today, because his brother’s friend stands towering over him. Remus raises his eyebrows curiously, but remains rather stoic regardless.

“You alright, Black?” the tall man asks. Even though Regulus knows Remus should be thoroughly sloshed by how much he was drinking earlier, his voice is rather steady, with only a slight glaze over his eyes to indicate any type of intoxication.

“I’m– fine, Lupin. Just leaving.” Regulus clears his throat and attempts to pull himself together a bit more. Clearly, he can’t hold his alcohol as well as Remus. “...It’s just too hot in here, is all,” Regulus lies, nervously twisting the silver ring on his thumb.

Remus nods. “I’d suggest letting Sirius know you’re going. He'll be a bit upset, not getting to talk with you any more tonight.”

Regulus fails to resist rolling his eyes and scoffing at the notion of Sirius being unhappy with this. “Sirius being sad I’m not with him? Right, Lupin, I’m sure. Cause he’s been so miserable abandoning me before,” Regulus says sarcastically.

Remus opens his mouth to speak, then closes it for a moment before responding. “Of course he was– Sirius just… well, you’d know as much as me how complicated he can be.” Remus has a slight smile on his face by the end of his sentence, and it takes everything in Regulus not to groan at Lupin’s obvious infatuation with his ridiculous older brother. “...Either way, that’s between you two.”

“If you say so, Lupin. Now, with all due respect, can I get the hell out of here?”

Remus purses his lips slightly. “Have you even told your friends you’re leaving?”

Regulus huffs. “I appreciate the concern, Lupin, truly, but you don’t need to babysit me just because Sirius put you up to it. I’m 16, I can handle myself. Besides, my friends are enjoying themselves. They don’t need me to go and end their night early.”

Remus furrows his brows. “Sirius didn’t tell me to babysit you, Regulus. Just thought you might want to talk, is all.”

Regulus blinks a bit in surprise, not expecting this. Sure, his older brother may have a terrifyingly close relationship with all of his friends, but that doesn’t mean they speak to Regulus a whole lot. They’re polite, but Regulus tends to go out of his way to keep to himself. He doesn’t need Sirius’ friends to baby him just because he's the younger brother.

“...Well, it’s too loud in here, anyways. Couldn’t talk properly if we wanted to,” says Regulus, crossing his arms and biting his lip anxiously. He’s not quite sure why, but Remus Lupin has this energy that causes Regulus to feel hyper aware of every part of his body that Lupin’s gaze covers, making him feel either burning hot or ice cold.

In response, Remus shrugs. “You’re leaving, right? I can tag along, if you don’t mind. I was planning to go up to my dorm soon either way.”

Regulus debates for a moment internally. Remus seems genuine. It doesn’t appear like he’s doing this out of an obligation or guilt, but entirely out of his own free will. Even so, Regulus doubts he’ll be good company to Lupin at the moment, with his thoughts still wandering to James. After another moment of thinking, Regulus responds.

“...Alright, if you’re that eager,” he says dryly. “Where to?”

“We can go up to my dorm. It’s quieter. Plus– Pete, Sirius, and James are still down here so we won’t be bombarded by any of them.”

Regulus wants to blush at the implications of what it might mean for two people to go up in an empty room during a party, but the logical side of his brain knows it’s just Remus being considerate. Besides, he’s probably equally as exhausted as Regulus feels currently.

“...Lead the way, Lupin.”

Remus’ height comes in handy as he guides them through the dense crowd of drunk teenagers. He gets to the stairs, and Regulus follows close behind as Remus navigates to his dorm he shares with the rest of Sirius’ clique.

When he steps into the room, Regulus can immediately pinpoint who’s bed is who’s. His brother’s is the most obvious, of course. Bed messy, clothes strewn across the blankets and nearby floor space. He has a few pictures of his friends, along with a poster of the muggle band he was mentioning earlier, on the wall and his bedposts. Regulus would like to say that it reminds him of Sirius’ room in Grimmauld Place, but it’s honestly the opposite. They were forced to keep their rooms tidy and minimalistic when living with the Blacks. This, on the other hand, is like peeking into his brother’s mind and being blinded by the burst of personality that follows the light peering in with you. The other beds aren’t too difficult to discern, either, even with Regulus' minimal knowledge of Sirius' friends. Peter has pictures of what Regulus assumes to be his family framed on his bedside table, and a lot of homework messily shoved to one corner. James’ bed is what catches Regulus’ eye the most, to no surprise. His bed is nowhere near as messy as Sirius’, but still doesn’t have much thought put into making it besides straightening the blanket. He has his broom propped up against one of the bedposts, and so many photos of his friends and family hung up. It makes Regulus a little jealous, secretly, because he wants to be cherished by someone that much. Sure, the fact that it’s the boy that he’s in love with’s dorm definitely adds to the feeling, but honestly Reg just wishes he had that care with somebody . Someone who loves him loudly and without shame.

Remus snaps Regulus out of his thoughts by clearing his throat. He’s sitting on his bed, which is the neatest out of everyone’s— completely made, with all of his necessities on the bedside table— and he motions for Regulus to sit, who hesitantly walks over and sits on the edge of the bed, a solid foot away from Remus, who chuckles quietly.

“What?” Regulus snaps, feeling defensive.

“Nothing, nothing. Just… I don’t think either of us are very good at conversing with one another,” Remus shrugs, speaking with a light-hearted tone.

Regulus scowls, his fingers nervously playing with the hem of his shirt. “I’m not very good at conversing with anyone, Lupin. Especially not Sirius’ friends.”

Remus lets out a soft hum. “I mean, you seemed to talk to James just fine the other day in the Great Hall.”

This makes Regulus’ scowl deepen. “No I didn’t. He just wouldn’t piss off after Sirius did. I didn’t want to talk to him. I don’t want to talk to him. Or about him.”

“Alright, we don’t have to talk about him. But even if he’s an ass sometimes, he's one of my best mates, so maybe lay off the shit talking,” Remus says with a slight warning tone to his voice.

Regulus lets out a huff of air. “Right. He just…” Regulus bites the inside of his cheek and tries to get his thoughts together, the alcohol scrambling his senses. “He– whatever, I don’t want to talk about him.”

Surprisingly to Regulus, Remus lets out a little laugh. “I’m not sure if you’re aware, Black, but you’re really similar to your brother.”

Regulus’ eyebrows knit together. “What? I’m nothing like Sirius. He’s loud and messy and obnoxious ,” he argues, offended by the accusation. Regulus has had it drilled into his mind growing up that he and Sirius are exact opposites, and he shouldn’t act as rash as his older brother always did. Hearing anything other than that has him in disbelief.

“Mm, I’d disagree. When either of you get your mind set on something, you’ll do anything to stick to it. Sirius may be louder about it, but you’re just as stubborn and determined as he is.”

Regulus’ eyes shift over to look at Sirius’ bed as he takes this in. Sure, he knows Sirius is stubborn, but himself? Really? Sirius was the one always standing up to their parents, not Regulus. Regulus hid behind his brother and used tactics like fauxing innocence to get out of trouble. But his big brother? He didn’t stop no matter what if he decided on something. That would often get him in trouble with their parents, but even so, Regulus has always been secretly jealous of Sirius’ bravery. That jealousy grew when Sirius branched into his loud personality in Gryffindor, but eventually dwindled after Sirius left and Regulus was spending his time all alone or surrounded by people like himself; mean, quiet, and keeping their efforts to themselves. He wouldn’t use any word to describe both his brother and him unanimously, except maybe traumatized .

While Regulus is considering Remus’ statement, the door bangs open. They both look up and see Peter and James carrying a very drunk Sirius. Sirius looks around the dorm and spots the two boys on Remus’ bed.

“Reggie! Moony! There you two are!” He stumbles out of James Peter’s grip and wobbles over to sit in between Regulus and Remus. “I was looking for you, lot! Reg, are you having fun?” Sirius asks, laying his head on Remus’ shoulder, who looks minorly flustered by this display.

“I’m not now that you’re here,” Regulus half-lies. Sure, he wasn’t having a great time, but his brother didn’t add to that, per say. Maybe he makes Regulus feel a bit better, even. But you can’t prove that.

Sirius frowns, and the exaggerated expression is almost comical. “Aw, Reggie, don’t be such a liar. You wouldn’t have even come if you didn’t want to see me just a little bit.”

Regulus rolls his eyes at his brother’s antics, and James speaks up. 

“Pads is a bit drunk, as you can see,” James motions in the general direction of Sirius draping himself across Remus, who seems to be doing his best to not practically melt at the sight of drunk Sirius blushing and blabbering to no one in particular. 

Remus nods. “Right, well, I can put him to bed, I suppose. You two can head back downstairs.”

“Yeah, James has to get back to Lily,” Peter says cheekily, elbowing James and exiting the dorm, chuckling to himself, also a bit tipsy, most likely.

James blushes and rubs the back of his neck nervously. Regulus feels like throwing up.

“I better go back to my dorm. I have studying to do tomorrow,” Regulus announces, standing up abruptly. “Goodbye, Lupin. Make sure my idiotic brother doesn’t hit his head moving around. He did that enough when we were younger.”

Remus lets out a snort. “Yeah, sure. Bye, Regulus.”

Sirius mumbles out some sort of noise that Regulus assumes is a goodbye as he pats his brother's arm before collapsing back onto Remus again.

Regulus turns forward, and accidentally meets James’ eye. He nods politely. “Potter. Goodnight.”

James perks up a little at being addressed. “Er, can I walk you back to the Slytherin common room? Y’know, for Sirius’ sake. Would make him feel better about you leaving without your friends.”

Regulus squints his eyes suspiciously. “You have to get back to Evans, no? And I don’t need your assistance . I’m not incompetent, I can handle walking back to my own common room.”

James looks a little alarmed. “No, no! That’s not what I meant. Besides, Lily is hanging out with Mary and that girl you’re friends with, Pandora Rosier? So… it’s not like she’s waiting on me…” James seems flustered as he rambles on, and Regulus just wants it to stop.

“Fine,” Regulus sighs with frustration, internally banging his head against a wall. Why can’t he say no to this man? He hates himself for it.

Without another word, Regulus walks past James and opens the door, James scrambling to follow behind.

They get out of the Gryffindor common room and walk in silence for a while. Regulus can tell that James is itching to talk, but is choosing to ignore it. It’s bad enough that his entire body feels like it’s practically burning from the knowledge that James is walking right beside him, and he can feel his gaze all over. Indulging in conversation with him would just make it worse.

When they start to get closer to the dungeons, James speaks up, because of course he does. Because Regulus Black is cursed with the worst luck.

“Hey, Regulus?” He speaks softly.

“...Yes, Potter?” Regulus replies, stopping his steps and turning to face James.

“Um, well. I just wanted to make sure… you don’t… you don’t hate me, right?”

Regulus is taken aback. James looks… nervous. Scared, even. Where did this come from?

“...What? Why are you asking? Why does that even matter?” Regulus replies rashly.

“I just… I feel a bit bad, is all. You live with me and Sirius, but I feel like I’m not doing enough. I–I know it’s not that simple, and it’s really none of my business, but am I part of the issue? Am I making it worse? I feel like whenever I’m around you're just… angrier. Which is– totally valid, I get it, but is there a way to fix it?”

While James rambles, Regulus tries to mentally catch up. Is James… upset? Does he want Regulus to like him? But why? Why does what Regulus thinks matter so much to James?

“Potter– hold on–” Regulus cuts in. “Are you drunk?”

“What?” James asks, confused. “I mean– a drank a bit, but–”

Regulus sighs in relief. “Alright, that’s it, then.”

James scrunches his eyebrows in confusion. “What?”

“You’re just drunk. Of course you’re going to be overthinking. Listen, just go back to your dorm. I’m sure my brother or Lupin will reassure you all that you want.”

James’ expression is almost delicate. He looks a little hurt, but Regulus chalks it up to being drunk and tired.

“Well– I mean– James starts, but quickly shuts his mouth, which confuses Regulus. Before he can ask, he’s abruptly shoved into a broom closet.

“Wh–” Regulus’ mouth is covered by a warm hand, as his eyes adjust to the pitch black of the small room. His eyes widen as his gaze meets James’, whose hand is currently occupying the space on top of Regulus’ lips.

“Filch,” James whispers, leaning to hover his lips by Regulus’ ear, which definitely doesn’t affect Regulus in any way at all.

All Regulus manages to do is nod, granted that he couldn’t respond verbally even if he wanted to.

The two stay in the same position until all they can hear is their own breathing, and the light from Filch’s lamp is completely gone from the crack under the door.

Slowly, James removes his hand from Regulus’ mouth, who absolutely doesn’t miss the warmth of the calloused palm.

James attempts to step back, but with the small space they’re contained in, he bumps into a dusty broom and it knocks to the floor. He winces as the loud noise echoes off the walls of the closet.

“My bad,” he whispers, an awkward smile on his face as he glances back at Regulus. Blush blooms on the latter’s face, and he prays it’s not visible in the dark.

“It’s… fine, Potter,” Regulus mumbles, wanting to look at anything but James, but being incapable due to their close proximity.

“Er, I suppose we should head out now, right?” James says, placing a hand on the doorknob. Regulus stupidly feels his heart sink a little, but remains as stoic as he can. It proves to be difficult, being so close to James Potter while minorly intoxicated, and all.

“Yes, it’d be nice if I wasn’t trapped so close to you for much longer,” Regulus lies.

James’ expression falters the smallest bit, but he quickly recovers. “Yeah, yeah. I need to study in the morning, anyway.”

Regulus involuntarily lets out a snort. “You, James Potter, study?”  

James straightens his shoulders a bit, feeling judged. “Of course I do. My parents find it very important for me to keep my academics up, so I do.”

Regulus can empathize with that. Sure, Fleamont and Effie Potter are much kinder and have less rules than the Blacks, but Regulus feels a sense of similarity after hearing the case of parents expecting perfect grades. As soon as he thinks about empathizing with James, he snaps himself out of it. James Potter will never know what it’s like to have the crushing weight of parent’s expectations on you, especially when you will never be able to reach said expectations.

“I’m sure that must be such a burden on you,” Regulus says dryly. “Will you open the door now?”

James bites the inside of his cheek, internally debating for a moment, before opening the door without saying a word. He steps out so Regulus can follow, leaving the dusty broom closet behind.

“Now that that’s over with,” Regulus says, wiping the remaining dust off of his clothes, “I’m going to my dorm. Without you, Potter. It’s late, and as I’ve said, I don’t need a babysitter.” With that, Regulus turns around and begins to stride off.

“Wait– Goodnight, Reg!” James calls out after him, much too loud for the halls past curfew.

Regulus briefly pauses his steps when he hears that, squeezing his fingernails into his palms before muttering “Goodnight, Potter,” and practically running off.

He leaves James in the corridor, the Gryffindor watching after him for a moment before he, too, turns around and heads to his dorm.

Chapter Text

When Regulus awakes, the first thing he notices is a dull pounding in his head. He grimly remembers the party and how he didn’t drink that much, but apparently that didn’t excuse him from a hangover. He blindly searches for his wand, eyes still blurry from sleep. When he grabs it, he mutters a quick spell to relieve him of the headache. Slowly, he opens his eyes and opens the curtains of his bed. Looking out into the dorm, he sees Barty and Evan in their respective beds, with Barty snoring loudly and Evan sat up, his head leaned back against the wall and his eyes closed. Regulus looks at the clock on their wall and sees that it’s around 10:00 AM. He sighs and decides that even though it’s Sunday, he should get up and try to get ahead on his schoolwork.

Regulus takes his time getting ready, showering and picking out some simple, comfortable, clothes. Considering it’s the weekend, he’s hoping most people will be in Hogsmeade and not wandering around Hogwarts grounds. He gathers his things and heads towards the lake.

Regulus has always enjoyed the Great Lake. He finds the dark coloring soothing to watch as ripples writhe through it. He finds a comfortable spot underneath a tree nearby and sets out his things. As he studies, the boy notices the lack of students on the grounds, which is a relief to him. While Regulus loves his friends, he’s glad to have a moment alone. He’s always found it easier to study alone, without Barty, especially. He’s the loudest of his friends and always manages to detour them from schoolwork. 

As Regulus reads over his herbology notes, he hears footsteps near him. He ignores it, letting the person walk by. Except, they don’t. The footsteps stop, and to his displeasure, Regulus hears a voice he wishes was anyone else.

“Hey, Regulus!”

Regulus sighs and internally curses out his stars for aligning so poorly.

“Hello, Potter.”

When Regulus looks up, he immediately regrets it. James has a charming grin on his face, his glasses slightly crooked as he looks down at Regulus.

“What are you doing at the lake by yourself? Are your friends around?” James asks.

“I’m studying, something I thought you claimed you did. And no, they’re not. I like to be alone when I’m focussing,” Regulus replies, directing a pointed glare at James to distract himself from his heart fluttering at the sight of the Gryffindor.

“I was studying earlier in the library. Wanted to clear my head a bit,” James replies. “Sorry if I interrupted, I’ll just… leave. See you around.”

Regulus feels a pang of regret. It’s not like he doesn’t want James around. He just… doesn’t know how to interact with him.

“Wait,” Regulus sighs, grabbing onto James’ jumper sleeve. “You can stay, it’s not like I own the lake. Just… be quiet, I’m trying to study,” he mumbles out, getting a burst of embarrassment from how clingy he sounds.

James grins crookedly. “Alright, I can work with that.” He then plops down next to Regulus’ textbooks, looking over the titles. “What are you studying right now?”

Regulus resists a sigh. “Didn’t I just say to be quiet?”

James shrugs sheepishly. “Maybe I can help.”

Regulus bites his cheek, thinking for a moment if he wants to indulge in James Potter. Who is he kidding? Of course he does.

“Herbology. I’m just reading over my notes from my last class. Nothing to help with,” he answers.

James nods in response, sitting in silence, which surprises Regulus. Regardless, he goes back to studying. After a few minutes, James stands up.

“Leaving?” Regulus asks, gaze still fixated on his assignment.

“Nope,” James says. He then proceeds to pull the herbology textbook right out of Regulus’ hands.

Regulus sputters in shock, looking up at James. “What the hell are you doing?”

“Getting you to have some fun. You’ve studied enough.”

Regulus glares at James. “You don’t get to decide how much I study. Give it back.”

James only shakes his head and tucks the book under his arm. “You’re not getting this back until you’ve relaxed a bit, Regulus Black. Cmon, let me help you out a bit, yeah?” James finishes his sentence with a softer tone, and it takes everything in Regulus not to melt on the spot. Instead, he tears his gaze away and internally debates. He can either tell James to fuck off and probably not study anymore and instead replay these events in his head, or he can give in to James Potter. And fuck, who doesn’t want to do that?

Scrunching his eyes shut for a moment, Regulus decides he might as well go with whatever James has in store. He feels more settled about it when he convinces himself it’s just to get his textbook back.

“...What do you have in mind, Potter?”

James grins and straightens up. “You’ll need to pack up your things, first.”

–

Regulus follows James as he leads them closer to the water’s edge. It makes Regulus a little weary, but he trusts that James has a plan that doesn’t involve drowning Regulus. Curse his childhood for giving him slightly irrational fears.

When they’re at the edge of the lake, James motions for Regulus to stand closer. Regulus hesitantly obliges. James then bends down and picks up a few small stones. Perplexed, Regulus leans a little closer to him and watches as the boy skips stones across the lake. They plop across a few times before sinking in the water. James tuts and shakes his head. “Five skips. I've yet to beat my high score.” Regulus raises his eyebrows.

“...Which would be?”

James grins. “Seven. I try sometimes when I need to clear my head, but it seems I’m a bit rusty. Wanna give it a go?”

Regulus opens his mouth and thinks before closing it again and shaking his head. “Not really my thing.”

James narrows his eyes at Regulus dramatically. “Well, alright then. What would be your ‘thing,’ oh, mysterious and wise Regulus Black?”

Regulus, to his horror, lets a short laugh past his mouth. He quickly smooths out his face and clears his throat. “What the hell? Don’t call me that.”

James simply shrugs and smiles at him. “But it’s accurate. You seem to be so resistant to me.”

Regulus bites the inside of his cheek when he hears this, not sure how to respond without just spilling all his pent up feelings for James. Since he knows that will not do, he takes a deep breath and tries to answer casually.

“I’m not resistant to you exclusively…”

James raises his eyebrows in suspicion, but Regulus continues nonetheless.

“...I’m just not social. And you’re… the opposite. It’s a bit annoying, if I’m honest.”

James lets out a soft hum of acknowledgement, turning back towards the lake as he picks up some more stones to skip.

“Yeah, I reckon. Most people find me annoying, but it’s alright. Can’t please everyone. As much as I try to,” James says, muttering the last part of his words. Although his tone is trying to relay casual, Regulus can sense there’s more to how James feels.

“I didn’t mean you’re annoying,” Regulus says before he can stop himself, cursing his weakness to this man. “I just mean that how different we are can be frustrating.”

James stops his movements slightly at Regulus’ words, clearly caught off guard. “Oh. Well, that… makes sense, too. Sorry, I just assumed.”

Regulus shrugs it off, even though James isn’t looking at him, which he definitely doesn’t care about at all. Since the conversation has died down, Regulus knows he should take the opportunity to flee from James, but the book is still under his arm.

Even though he’s resistant to the idea, Reg decides to speak once more. He thinks if James lets his guard down, it’ll allow for the opportunity to snatch the book back.

“Why do you want to befriend me so much, anyways?”

James shifts his gaze back to Regulus, pausing his search for flat stones.

“Your Sirius’ baby brother. He cares about you, it’s only fair I do the same.”

Regulus scowls at the response, and he tries to ignore the disappointment in his heart. Of course that’s all he is to James; Sirius’ younger brother. Can’t he be his own person for once? Even though James implied he cares for Regulus, he said it in the context of Sirius. Does that mean James sees Regulus as a little brother, too? The vague notion simply makes Regulus want to vomit. He would rather not follow his family’s footsteps in that way, even if it’s not technically blood related. Besides, that means there’s no point in daydreaming of James if he will only ever see Regulus as a little kid who Sirius has to look out for. That’s not who he is and he’ll never be that person again. Angered, Regulus lets out a huff and tries to snatch his textbook from James. The bastard is too quick, though, because he holds it out of Regulus’ reach.

“Hey! What do you think you’re doing, Reg?”

Regulus grits his teeth and tries to jump to grab the godforsaken book. “Don’t call me that,” he spits out as he tugs James’ sleeve harshly, causing the boy’s arm to come closer. James grins mischievously before lightly pushing Regulus away and darting off in a sprint. Taken aback, Regulus collects himself for a moment before chasing after James.

“Come back here, Potter! What the fuck do you think you’re doing?!”

James lets out a loud laugh as he outruns Regulus. “I told you, trying to get you some excitement!”

Regulus keeps running for a moment before he realizes he can get his book back in a much quicker way. Slowing to a jog, Regulus whips out his wand and mutters a tripping spell directed towards James. This causes the Gryffindor to let out a yelp as he tumbles onto the grass. Regulus comes up to him and snags the book out of his grasp. James looks up at him, attempting to catch his breath.

“That’s not fair. I didn’t use any spells,” James huffs out.

Regulus shrugs, his cheeks a bit pink from running. “When did I say I play fair?”

This makes James smile soft and cheekier. The expression distracts Regulus, because he is a weak, weak, man. James takes the opportunity to try to snatch the book. This time, it’s not so easy to grab out of Regulus’ hands, so he ends up pulling Regulus down on the ground as well. Or, more specifically, onto James.

Regulus lets out a surprised squeak, which James did not expect to come from him, but is not complaining. Even so, he lets out a punched-out ‘ oof’ sound as Regulus’ full weight lands on him.

Sputtering, Regulus tries to sit up, but James’ hand is still gripping onto the textbook.

“Wh– James! Give me the damn book already!” He says, his face significantly more flushed than it was a few moments ago.

James smiles, a small blush also on his face. “But what about the excitement I promised?”

Regulus sharply inhales. “I think this qualifies as plenty. Let me leave now. I’ll stop studying for today. That should make you happy, right?”

With his hand that isn’t latched onto the book, James holds Regulus’ arm. “Wait…” he starts to speak, but furrows his brows, not sure how to word it.

“What, Potter?”

That makes James latch onto another thought. “You called me ‘James’ earlier.”

This makes Regulus scowl. “No, I did not. I would remember if I did that and I can say with complete certainty that I didn’t.”

This makes James smile. “Oh, you one hundred percent did. Does that mean we’re friends now? You call me James and I call you Reggie?”

Regulus’ scowl deepens, but so does the red on his face. “No. We are not friends, I didn’t call you that, and I will hex you if you try to call me ‘Reggie’ ever again.” He then pulls himself, along with his book, out of James’ grip, and stands up. James leans against his elbows, head up and back still on the grass as he watches Regulus put the book in his bag and brush himself off.

“Goodbye, Potter.”

He begins to walk off, and James can’t do anything but frown as he watches him go. He attempts to gather his thoughts together, but the only coherent thing he can think is “What even was that?”

—

Regulus gets back to his dorm, where his friends are all gathered. They lift their heads as they see him come in.

“Oh, Regulus. We were about to go look for you,” Evan says from where he’s sitting on his bed.

“We thought someone kidnapped you. I was kinda excited to go be your knight in shining armour,” Barty says, grinning as he leans back on the same bed.

“Did you have fun?” Pandora asks, looking at Regulus from where she’s laying on the floor with her head in Dorcas’ lap.

“Why would he be having fun? Weren’t you just studying, Reg?” Dorcas says, glancing up at him as she detangles Pandora’s hair with her fingers.

Pandora smiles mischievously. “Maybe he was, maybe he wasn’t.”

Regulus sighs and puts his bookbag on his bed. He sits down next to Dorcas, their shoulders brushing. He very rarely likes to initiate physical contact, but he feels the most comfortable doing it around her or Pandora.

“I was. At first, at least. Then James Potter of all people decided to grab my Herbology textbook from me.”

“What a fucking twat,” Barty scoffs.

“He was trying to be nice, I think.”

Evan laughs. “How is stealing your shit being nice?”

Regulus lets out a groan. “He didn’t steal it, steal it. He just… confiscated it, I guess. Tried to get me to have fun.”

The two other boys in the room raise their eyebrows. “Did you snog James Potter?” Barty asks suspiciously.

“What?! Merlin, of course not! What the fuck, Crouch?”

Dorcas snorts. “He didn’t, but I bet he wants to.”

Pandora giggles, and Evan rolls his eyes fondly.

“No I don’t! If I wanted to snog him it’d simply be because I’m desperately lonely and he’s unfairly fit. Otherwise, I’d rather stab my eyes out than be in close contact with Potter.”

Dorcas lets out an unconvinced hum in response, going back to threading her fingers through Pandora’s hair.

“Anyways, I got it back from him and left him laying on the grass where I spelled him to trip. It’s fine now, and I’d rather just forget about the obnoxious bloke.”

“Fine, then. If we can’t bother Reg about his social life, then what about you, Pandora?” Dorcas says, poking the girl’s cheek. “I saw you with that Gryffindor girl at the party.”

“I could say the same for you, Dorcas. Weren’t you with that blonde-haired girl there?”

Dorcas sputters. “That’s different! She’s a classmate. You didn’t know that girl at all! So, spill. We all want the details. Did you snog her?”

“Not at the party, but we both decided to meet up today, so… we did.”

Dorcas lets out a giggle and begins to ask Pandora all sorts of questions, Evan and Barty occasionally chiming in. Regulus contently watches his friends conversate, happy to just sit and watch. His mind starts to wander to James, how it felt to be pressed up against him, the boy’s charming words and handsome face blurring all his senses. He snaps out of the daydream, honing in on Pandora’s retelling of her date with the girl named Mary. He lets himself tune out his wandering thoughts, trying to stay in this moment with the people he knows will care about him unconditionally.

Chapter Text

James is anxious. Sure, he’s been anxious before— exams, getting in trouble after a prank, his parents being mad— but this is a different kind of anxious. He’s pacing around the dorm, too nervous to leave the room to see anyone but Sirius, Remus, and Peter.

“Mate, relax. You have nothing to worry about!” Sirius says, sitting up on his bed and leaning towards James.

“Yeah, who wouldn’t date you? Honestly, I think I’d date you. No joke,” Peter says, his eyes widening in confusion as he speaks. “Huh, never thought of that before.”

James flashes him a weak smile. “Thanks, Pete. I’ll make sure to come to you after I totally fuck this up.”

“Hey, that’s not true! You’re not going to fuck this up, James. You’re the hottest guy in our year. Besides me. And Remus. He’s a contender, too,” Sirius says, standing up and putting his hands on James’ shoulders.

Remus rolls his eyes and flashes Sirius the bird. “Fuck off, Black.”

“Hey! Why am I not in the running?” Peter interrupts. 

Sirius looks over at him. “You’re more in the ‘cute’ realm than hot. Sorry, Wormy. We still love you.”

Peter mutters something, seemingly accepting defeat as he leans back on his bed.

James lets out a sigh. “I’m so screwed.”

Sirius’ attention snaps back to him. “You’re not screwed, Prongs. She’s gonna say yes to you. You’ve worked on your relationship with her our whole time at Hogwarts. She doesn’t hate you anymore, right? You’re friends! I’ve always thought that’s the best place to be before you date someone.”

“Is that why you dated Mary in fourth year?” Remus says sarcastically, reading a book while he sits on his bed. He’s not been very involved in calming James.

Sirius huffs. “We dated because we both had no idea how relationships worked and didn’t realize we were in no way attracted to each other whatsoever. Besides, she’s only into girls now.”

Remus lets out a breath. “Right.”

Sirius opens his mouth to respond, but glances back at James and turns his attention back on him. “James, you’re gonna be alright. You and Lily hang out all the time now. She’s friendly to you, and was obviously into you at the party.”

James nods hesitantly. “Right, right. It’s fine. Everything’s going to be fine. She’s not going to tell me to go to hell again.”

Sirius winces. “Well, that was warranted. You barely knew each other and you wouldn’t leave her alone.”

“It was third year! I’m a gentleman now,” James defends.

“Of course you are, mate! You’re ready. Just go out in the common room and talk to her.”

James nods, more sure of himself now. “Okay. I’m going in.”

Sirius grins as he pats James’ shoulders. 

James stands up straighter and glances across the room. “Wish me luck, boys.”

“Luck!” Peter says, lifting his head to wave off James. “You’re gonna do great!”

James fixes his attention to Remus. “Moony? Won’t you wish me luck? I’ll believe the most from you,” he says cheekily.

This grants a small smirk across Remus’ face. Eyes still focused on the book, he calls out “Don’t fuck up, Prongs.”

James grins, feeling more confident from his friend’s reassurance. “I’ll do my best.”

As soon as James enters the common room, his confidence quickly falters. He scans his gaze across the room, and sees Lily reading over notes with Marlene. His heart flutters lightly at the sight. Lily’s red hair is tucked behind her ears, strands falling in front of her face nonetheless. Her green eyes are prominent in the sunlight that trickles in through the window, and she’s passionately speaking to Marlene, who seems to be trying to decipher her own handwriting.

“...and I don’t even know what I was attempting to write here, Lily. I told you I shouldn’t have been the note-taker!”

“It was that, or you make the potion, and we both know last time that happened the classroom turned pink!”

James chuckles as he hears their conversation, mustering up the courage to walk up to them.

“What are you two up to?” He says, leaning over Marlene to read the illegible notes.

“Trying to get this potions project done. It’s unfortunately proving to be much more difficult than anticipated, though,” Lily responds, eyes still scanning over the textbook and papers she has in front of her.

Marlene groans and throws her hands up in defeat. “I’m doing my best!”

James smiles at their banter. “Well, if you don’t mind, could I steal you for a bit, Lily?”

The redhead finally glances up at James, and his heart soars. Her piercing green eyes land on him with suspicion. “What for?”

“Only one way to find out.”

Lily sighs. “Fine, fine. Marlene, please make some progress on this by the time I’m back. We need to start brewing the potion by tomorrow, and we can’t if we can’t read the damn recipe.”

“Aye, aye, Captain Evans.”

Marlene waves the two off as Lily stands and follows a nervous James out of the common room.

“So, what’s this all about, Potter?” Lily asks, striding next to him as he leads them outside towards the lake.

“I have something to tell you. Er, ask you, more accurately. I’m a bit terrified, actually.”

Lily raises her eyebrows. “Scared I’m gonna jinx you again, James? I haven’t done that since fifth year.”

Despite his nerves, James laughs. He loves how Lily can make him smile even when she’s the cause of his fear.

“Maybe a bit. You’re pretty feisty, Evans.”

Lily shrugs. “I’m not going to sit around passively while someone crosses my boundaries. Even if they don’t have bad intentions, which I know you’ve made sure to tell me ever since.”

James grimaces a little. When he was younger, he was a bit bad at communicating to Lily that he was only trying to win her over, not trying to harass her. He was bad at not crossing that line. Luckily, he’s learned now.

“Right. I’m really sorry about that, by the way. I know I’ve said it before, but I really mean it.”

Lily nods. “I know, James. I’m glad we’re just friends now, right? The lack of your shenanigans has been a relief.”

James bites the inside of his cheek and hopes properly asking her out doesn’t count as a  ‘shenanigan.’

“Me too, Lils. You’re lovely.”

Lily smiles and elbows him lightly. “And you’re tolerable, Potter.”

They approach the lake, James nervously playing with his hands as they reach the shore.

“...So, spill,” Lily says, turning to face James as she crosses her arms. “What’s so important we need to talk out here?”

James hesitantly meets her gaze, taking in the sight of her. He remembers the first time he saw the girl, on the train in their first year. They hadn’t even been in Hogwarts yet, but since that moment he was confident she’d be his entire world. In a way, he was right. Over half of his time at Hogwarts he’s spent coming up with different ways to woo her. To his surprise, the best way was just to be friendly. Since they’d become friends, the two had a much better relationship. Lily no longer hates him, and James has gotten to know her well enough to find out what he needs to be for her. He was willing to do anything to be with her, and he still is. So, he takes a deep breath and starts speaking.

“Uh, I put something together over here…” James then guides them to a picnic basket with a blanket laid out. He had worked with his friends to make sure no one was near the lake so he could have a private moment with Lily, and he’s praying it’ll work.

“Lily.”

“James?” Lily replies, looking between him and the basket.

“We both know since first year I’ve fancied you quite a bit. And I love being friends with you. Truly. But…” James huffs out and chuckles nervously. “...well, I’d love it if you’d consider going out with me? I put this picnic together for us. It has your favorite meal and drinks, and I may have pulled a few strings to get some muggle candy, too.” He leans down and opens the basket, revealing an assortment of foods, treats, and refreshments.

Lily glances in it hesitantly, then back at James. She has something unreadable in her eyes, and James so desperately wants to know what she’s thinking.

“...You don’t have to respond now, I know that it’s a lot–”

“No, no. I’ll… I’ll go out with you, James.”

James’ face lights up. “Really? If you want, I could do more? Throw a more romantic setup together. I would’ve prepared more, but my mates were adamant I do this as soon as possible. Quite frankly, I probably would’ve freaked myself out and backed out if I waited any longer, so I just–”

“James.”

James stops talking and looks at Lily sheepishly. She thinks that there should be something more that she says— some confession of love or relief that James asked her out properly— but all she can think is at this moment, she really can’t tell if she wants to go out with James, or if she thinks she needs to. Either way, her decision has been made, and Lily knows that this is what’s best for her; a nice boy who’s smart and likes her.

James speaks up once more. “Lily, could I, er, kiss you? Would that be alright?”

Lily’s face flushes, and her heart sinks from her chest to her stomach. A nervous feeling envelopes her, and she feels a bit like throwing up. It’s not like James’ request is unwarranted, though. People who go out kiss. Obviously. She’s kissed people before, it’s not like this is a huge moment for her. Even so, Lily feels anxious at the thought of kissing James Potter. She pushes these thoughts away from her mind. 

Standing on her tip toes, Lily cautiously presses her lips to his. James lets out a small noise of surprise before gently cupping Lily’s face with his hands. Her left hand is laying gently on his chest to balance herself. It’s a good kiss. James’ lips are soft, his glasses lightly pressing up against her cheek. Yet, the sinking feeling in her body doesn’t go away. After a moment, she pulls away. James’ glasses are lightly smudged and crooked, his face splitting into a grin as his cheeks redden.

Lily clears her throat. “Fix your glasses, James.”

His eyebrows lift up, and he seems to gain consciousness finally. His hands shoot up and he adjusts the glasses, quickly taking them off to wipe and putting them back on his face. Lily glances towards the basket.

“So, were these just for show or can I eat what's in here?”

James smiles once more and motions for them to sit down. Over all, Lily has fun, ignoring the feeling of dread that incases her body ever since James confessed. She and him have hung out on numerous occasions, and besides James’ close proximity and light touches to Lily, it’s relatively the same. After they finish eating, James and Lily walk back to the dorms together. She gets the feeling that he wanted to hold her hand, but he’s occupied with the basket so they simply brush shoulders occasionally throughout the walk. James says some things to Lily, probably some romantic thanks, but her ears feel full of cotton. She ignores Marlene’s shouts at her when they walk through the common room. When she finally enters her dorm, she feels drained.

Lily can’t place what’s causing her lack of energy. She likes James. He’s a good person to be around. This wasn’t the first time they hung out one-on-one, and she knew that he liked her before. Maybe it’s the expectations she thinks James might have for her. She doesn’t know what he wants in a relationship. Lily considers knocking on his door and asking, but the idea of discussing more of this relationship makes Lily feel even more exhausted.

Lily collapses onto her bed, disregarding Mary’s questioning and the flutter in her heart when she’s spoken to in that soft voice. Mary has always been comforting to her. She’s been her closest friend since first year. Even though she feels like shit about it at the moment, Lily has no energy to talk right now, even if it’s at the price of ignoring Mary.

Mary eventually gives up on getting an answer from Lily, sighing with slight irritation and turning her head away. Lily closes her bed curtains, shoving her face into her pillow and convincing herself the tears come from tiredness and not fear of being with a boy.

Chapter Text

Pandora has an unconventional way of seeing the world. She’s aware of that. From a young age, her family would tease her for thinking outside of the realms of possibility laid out for her. Her brother never really understood some of the things she would tell him, but he would listen anyway. That’s something she’s always valued in relationships; being able to listen to one another– to give and receive attention.

That’s a reason why she likes Mary. Of course, Mary is beautiful– her hair is a gorgeous chocolatey brown, with short and curly locks that are silky to the touch. Her skin is light brown and smooth, with gorgeous brown eyes to compliment the rest of her features. Pandora enjoys Mary’s appearance a lot, but it’s her mind that intrigues her the most. Not only does she listen to Pandora, but she answers with thought-out responses and inquiries. Pandora likes having a thoughtful conversation with someone. While her friends are lovely, sometimes she doesn’t get as much in return. Regulus is always a pleasure to talk to, but she doesn't always get the thought-provoking responses she’d like from him. That’s what makes Mary so enjoyable.

The two are walking side by side on the Hogwarts grounds. That’s something they do a lot. After meeting at that Gryffindor party, Pandora wanted to know more about Mary, who happily obliged.

“...which is why I think we fundamentally misunderstand Thestrals.” Pandora finishes, glancing over at Mary, who’s looking off at the castle.

“Mary? Would you like to change the subject? I understand, I can get a bit carried away, can’t I?” Pandora says, causing Mary to snap her gaze back over at her.

“No, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to ignore you. I’m just… distracted, I suppose.”

Pandora nods. “Would you like to talk about it? I’d be happy to listen.”

Mary exhales and stays silent for a moment before looking over at Pandora. “It’s alright for now. Would you like to come to my dorm?”

Pandora smiles. “If you’d like.”

When the two girls get to Mary’s dorm, it’s thankfully empty. Mary explains that Lily and Marlene are working on a potions assignment.

“So,” Mary says, plopping down on her bed. “How do you like the Gryffindor dorms?” she smiles up at Pandora cheekily, who twirls around to observe the room.

“It’s bright. Warmer colors than Ravenclaw.”

Mary chuckles. “Well, we’re a bit fucked over with red and gold being shoved in our faces all the time.”

Pandora hums thoughtfully. “I don’t think it’s too bad. I find the warm colors a bit comforting. Though, I understand the annoyance of being surrounded by it constantly.”

Mary nods and watches Pandora as she lightly wanders around the dorm. After looking around to her liking, Pandora sits down on the bed next to Mary.

Mary’s gaze traces over Pandora. Her long, blonde, hair falls gracefully along her back. Her pale skin compliments the light green blouse she’s wearing, with sparkles all over her face. 

“You’re beautiful, Pandora,” Mary speaks. Pandora smiles softly at the words.

“Your words are almost as alluring as your eyes.”

A stunning blush blooms across Mary’s face. She groans with faux annoyance. “Must you always one-up me, Rosier?”

Pandora giggles softly. “I’m not trying to. You just bring out words that have been hidden in my mind.”

Mary shakes her head fondly. “It’ll be the death of me, I promise you that.”

“Well then I should stop talking, we wouldn’t want you falling ill.”

Mary raises her eyebrows. “I could help with keeping you from talking.”

Pandora's smile widens. “And how would you do so?”

“Mind if I show you?”

“By all means, Mary.”

Mary leans in, and Pandora meets her half way. The first thing Pandora notices is the softness of Mary’s lips. A brief thought passes through Pandora’s mind that her lips may be chapped from the cold outdoors, but either way Mary doesn’t seem to mind. The curly haired girl’s hand caresses Pandora’s thigh on the bed, while Pandora cups her hand on Mary’s face.

The two girls naturally move closer together, Pandora’s hand threading into Mary’s hair. As Mary’s hand travels up to Pandora’s waist, the dorm door opens. Pandora doesn’t feel that alarmed, just a tad disappointed, but Mary jumps in her spot. Looking up, the girls see Lily standing in the doorway, her face flushed with embarrassment.

“Lily! I thought you were studying with Marlene–” Mary says, surprise crossing her features.

“She went to fly laps around the quidditch pitch. We got into a bit of an argument about the assignment. She needed to cool off. Sorry for… interrupting,” Lily responds, eyes grazing over Pandora.

“I’m sorry for being here without you knowing. It’s your dorm, as well,” Pandora says. “If you would like me to leave, I understand. We could also talk if that argument upset you? My brother and I argue quite a bit.”

Lily sighs, biting her bottom lip. “No– it’s fine. I really didn’t mean to interrupt. I’ll… see you later, Mary.”

Lily and Mary share a look that says more than their words could. Mary opens her mouth to speak, but Lily turns around and leaves the dorm in a hurry.

Mary lets out a sigh. “I’m sorry about that, Pandora. Lily and I… our friendship has been complicated recently after she started dating James.”

Pandora lets out a hum. “It’s alright, really. While it’s none of my business, I do feel like there’s more to the story. It’s not my story to know, but it’s your story to resolve.”

Mary looks at Pandora and gives her a small smile. “I think you’re the wisest person I know, Pandora Rosier. I understand why you’re a Ravenclaw. Truly, I’ve never met anyone with intelligence quite like yours.”

Pandora smiles back at her. “And your soul is more brave than anyone gives you credit for. You have resilience I wish I could achieve.”

“Would you like to… continue? We were interrupted, after all,” Mary flashes a grin at Pandora, but she can see that there’s more going on with how Lily coming in affected Mary.

“I… would thoroughly enjoy that, Mary. But I don’t want to be someone you project your feelings onto. Could we talk about what happened?”

Mary’s grin falters a little, and she glances back to the door like Lily may show up again. “I… I really don’t think there’s anything to talk about.”

Pandora sighs. “Mary, I like you a lot. You’re very smart and incredibly confident. You don’t need to lie to me.”

Mary looks back at Pandora, then at the floor. “...Fuck, you’re right. I’m sorry, Pandora.”

“You don’t need to be sorry, you just need to talk to me.” Pandora puts her hand over Mary’s that is resting on the mattress.

Mary takes in a breath. “Well… I like you, I really do. I don’t want you to think that I don’t, or I have ulterior motives for going out with you. Just, the thing is…”

Pandora squeezes Mary’s hand reassuringly, and Mary thinks of how kind and understanding this girl is. Not once has she gotten angry or assumed what Mary is thinking. It makes Mary wish that this could be who she’s in love with. And sure, in another life, maybe she is. But here, there’s only one person who occupies Mary’s mind.

“...I had some other reasons for flirting with you at that party. Did you notice how James Potter and Lily were talking?”

Pandora nods, and Mary continues. “It just… hurt, seeing that. When they got all touchy it made me so… angry, and I don’t know why. I mean, why should I care? She’s not mine. It’s just that… we almost… We had a moment the night before, me and Lily. And I thought that it meant something, but at the party… she acted like it never happened. Then she started dancing with and touching James and I just– I wanted her to feel as broken as she made me, and you were there– and you’re so beautiful, so I took the opportunity.” Mary begins to choke up, an expression of guilt on her face. “Lord, I feel so horrible saying it out loud. I sound awful. I probably am, I mean it’s not like Lily was doing that to hurt me, she just– she likes him. Fucking christ, who doesn’t like James?” Mary cuts herself off with a sob she stifles. “Fuck, I’m so sorry, Pandora.”

Pandora puts her hands on Mary’s face and looks her in the eye. “Mary, don’t feel bad. You feel betrayed. You feel love. Those are some of the most human feelings you can have. And hurting me is not your intention. Hurting Lily wasn’t even your intention, now was it? It was to escape from the disloyalty you felt in that moment. There’s nothing wrong with that, and there’s nothing wrong with you. Besides, would you have continued to see me if it was to solely hurt Lily?”

Mary shakes her head gently, sniffling. “I do like you, Pandora. Your soul is so unique and beautiful, and so is your mind. You’re one of the most selfless people I’ve met, and I’m sorry for being stuck on someone else.”

Pandora smiles softly. “Don’t feel sorry. Our paths briefly crossing in a relationship was all that it was meant to be. A butterfly flapped its wings and decided our fate the moment we were born. It's nobody's fault, not even the butterfly’s.”

Mary chuckles a little. “It blows me away how you think, truly. In another life I would’ve loved to see how it aged our whole lives.”

Pandora kisses Mary’s forehead. “In another life you did. In another life that butterfly had flown east. All that matters is this life, though. This life is all we can know for sure, dear. And I know for sure you need to go find your Lily. The butterfly landed on that flower in the meadow of your life, so go get her.”

Mary lets out a breath. “Can I walk you out?”

“Of course.”

—

When Pandora gets to her dorm, she hops onto her bed, her dormmates out elsewhere. She can’t tell if she’s glad or not. Either way, it doesn’t matter, because she’s alone. She could go find her friends, most likely in their dorms, but she doesn’t. Pandora lays on her bed and stares upwards. The thing is, she’s not surprised. From the moment she saw Mary in the Gryffindor common room that night weeks ago, she felt a pull. But she also felt that Mary’s pull wasn’t going in the same direction as hers. Maybe she should’ve turned back at that moment, but Pandora knows when there’s a time to back out, and that wasn’t it. Mary enticed her, and she knew Mary had interest in Pandora, too. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. Of course it hurts to be in something so new, only to have it leave your grasp. It wasn’t even ripped out of her hands, though. Pandora had Mary and then let her hands pull away. Sure, she could’ve held on, could’ve let herself be with a girl who was trying so desperately to crawl away from her real feelings, but Pandora isn’t that type of person. She believes in fate, and she knows Mary’s fate wasn’t to be with her. That, and it hurts to be in place of someone else. Mary wasn’t using her, but she was pretending that Pandora was the girl she truly wanted.

So, as Pandora lays in her bed, maybe she does let the tears fall. Because, while she wasn’t in love with Mary, and Mary wasn’t in love with her, she could’ve been. Maybe Pandora truly is selfish, because the biggest reason she let go of Mary wasn’t for Mary’s sake, but because she didn’t want to be more hurt when she fell for Mary and Mary didn’t fall for her. Secretly, Pandora wishes that butterfly’s wings were cut off. It makes her feel sick to think of something so cruel, but she can’t help but feel that being selfless feels like a curse instead of a blessing. She knows this will pass, but for now she lays in her dorm room, alone, crying.